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Becoming suicidal... Honestly it's a long story to post...
I typed suicide into Reddit and this is the only thing that comes up.
I work 12 hour days and work is or was the only thing I've been looking forward to.
Today the word possible termination came up as I was trying to fix an error...
I've almost lost my job, my girlfriend and I are at an all time low. Not to mention if we break up i will lose my two step children who I care for deeply.
I'm sitting alone watching netflix drinking and feel like I'm ready to end it all.
I don't drink at all ever and couldn't take the stress.
I have never been fired before.
I have never lost this much in my life all at once.
Help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just really need someone to talk to. I'm to much of a coward to come out to my family. I'm afraid if they found out everyone would hate me and I get too embarrassed or prideful to talk to my friends about it. I would just feel like I'm complaining. I've thought about suicide and my death a lot lately. I don't think I would ever actually do it but the thought is still there whatever that means.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Help finding a doctor (I hope this is okay to post.) Anyone here from NW Indiana or even Chicago area? My newly-found pdoc (who I was SO happy with) is no longer taking my health insurance. Naturally.
I'm sick of searching and desperate enough to travel to Chicago if necessary to find a doctor who knows/cares what they are doing. Many thanks!
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self.bipolar
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He supports my being bipolar, but not the household. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I'm losing my mind It's dark in my room. 11 PM. I have a knife. It feels so good running it into my skin... I wanna dig harder, but i'm stopping because it's too early.
I feel so oddly calm.
I really like the thought of my bed cover in blood, lots and lots of blood.
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self.SuicideWatch
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when's enough..enough My boyfriend and i have been dating for almost 5 years. i work and he's away at school, but for the last month he's been home. the more time we spend together the worse his mom makes him feel about it. She's mad he's not home with her, but when he is home, she doesn't try to spend any time with him. When her bf is over or she's with him, nothing else matters. we can go to a movie or shop and she's like bye have fun. to my face she's so nice and treats my like fam, but when i'm not there, she talks about me to him and it's all starting to get too much for him. Over the last year she's lied about why i couldn't go with on their vacation after she had invited me months before and talks about me like i'm broken and have to get over "needing" him around. everyone's telling me this is just the beginning of it, and how she's going to be if we get married. i'm overthinking all of it, its gotten so bad that i want him to go back to school because it's just easier. i can't talk to her it'll make things worse, and he's not the type to stand up and say anything to her. I don't know how to fix this and make things better.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety from brother's constant talking This is a super weird thing I've never mentioned to anyone before because I'm afraid people will think it's weird but screw it.
For context, I live with my brother and have been for 4 years. I'm a 25 year old man with anxiety issues (duh) that I've had for years.
My brother likes to talk.....a LOT. He hates absolute silence and feels the need the talk about anything and everything. It gets to a point where I just want him to shut up. Sometimes my anxiety starts to act up, like I'm about to have a panic attack, and his talking just makes it worse.
I don't know if this makes any sense but I guess I just needed to get it out there.
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone have a"safe person" and wonder what will happen if/when that person dies? Or have fears about own death? Like being out of control of the situation? Please help
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self.Anxiety
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I know it gets better. But do I want to wait till it does? Hello, I've been posting on other people's posts sometimes, but I have never posted myself. I think I just need to talk to someone, and whoever I talk to I just can't get anything to help me. I'm 21 years old and I do nothing for a living, I don't study, and I don't work, but I would love to do any of both. I haven't studied since I was 18 and finished my art baccalaureate, I tried going to a few places like Barcelona and Madrid to study but it didn't go right, I ended up dropping out and going back home without any money because I wasted everything trying to study what I loved. The only time I managed to work was last summer at EA because my cousin who worked there told me there was an opening. Those were the best two months of my life, I felt useful, I finally had a source of income besides my pension (my father died a lot of years ago and I get some money every month to pay my phone bill and little things like Netflix) and I was living in Madrid, really close to a lot of my friends and wonderful people I met the last time I went there to study. Everything was perfect, but I managed to screw that up and I didn't my contract renewed after those two months and they let me go. After that I went back home and started feeling sadder day by day, I didn't get to study this year because my grades weren't high enough to get anywhere, and as much as I've tried, it's become impossible for me to find a job. I'm moneyless and I feel useless, the only thing I do right now is stay home playing videogames all day and going to a 1-hour French class every Tuesday and Thursday, and it only goes worse. By December of 2016 I met this beautiful person both in the inside and the outside who said wanted to be with me. It's that kind of person that makes you want to be the better version of yourself everyday, that really makes you be a better person and you want to do the same thing to them. After some time together he told me had depression and I felt destroyed in the inside. At first I was angry, how could he not have told me all this time? But I promised him and myself I'd try to help as much as I could, and I did, or I think I did. We were happy together, or at least I was happy with him and I tried to make him as happy as I could, but of course we argued about important and stupid things alike. Not so long ago I told him I needed him to worry about me too, that I was having a bad time as well and I needed him to worry about me not only when we were together but also when we were away (He lives 300km away from me or so but we tried to see each other every one or two weeks) because I didn't want to feel like he only worried about me when he could see me. Yesterday we had an argument over that because I'm a very stupid person and I always make everything bigger than it needs to be, and that was the breaking point. He said he couldn't take it anymore, that he couldn't be with anyone in his situation, he couldn't be with anyone if he couldn't even be with himself. I called him to try and fix things but it didn't matter, he had already taken the decission. He doesn't want to be with me. Not now, not when some time pass. I tried to make him feel better and I only ended up being a weight for him, something else to worry about instead of something that should make his worries go away. I'm jobless, moneyless, I don't really see any way to get to study anything or get a job and now the person I loved the most and imagined I would be with the rest of my life is gone and I don't think he's coming back. I have already gone through a breakup and I know that it takes time, but it does get better. Last time I went through it it was a year and a half relationship and I took nearly a year to get over it. I don't want to go through it all again, I just want to go back a few days ago and make everything better, I just want to make this go away, I can't play anything because I can't stay 30 minutes focused without bursting out and crying, and I can't sleep either because I still dream with him and I wake up crying and sweating every hour. He said he wanted to stay as friends but I know how that works. Even if we do keep talking I just don't think I'll be able to get over it. I just want to go back and be with him, and even if I can't I just want him to be better and help in everything I can but I don't know how to do that anymore. I want this feeling to be over, I don't want to be mourning another relationship for a year, wondering when's the next time something's going to remind me of him and start crying like the first day. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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muscle tension, emotional numbness, hard to describe feelings So I keep getting muscle tension ESPECIALLY around my head/temples and jaw. I do have bruxism but it never was a thing during the day. Especailly when something stimulating happens, even if its good or bad, (like excitement or looking forward to something....) I will start to get super tense and uncomfortable especially around those muscles i mentioned, and I will feel some kind of emotional numbness... its hard to explain the feeling but...
Is it possible that my anxiety and excitement is almost "numbed" out by my body now? I show all the symptoms of being anxious like stiffening up.. shallow breaths... but I don't really feel anxiety. I DO feel anxiety still for lots of other stuff, but this sometimes happens still.
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self.Anxiety
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I’m sorry. Hey.
I don’t ever talk about my feelings or what I’m going through because generally I am robotic and feel nothing and can handle everything.
I don’t know why I’m typing this out but I guess it’s a step.
I’ve wanted to die since I was 13 years old. I don’t understand this world and I’ve always felt like I was from somewhere else. People are awful and terrible. I’m always alone even when I’m with people. I’m cripplingly depressed and I know it. I isolate myself which makes it all worse but I choose to because I can’t stand any human interaction. It all seems forced and worthless and pointless. I hate everyone.
I want nothing more than to die but for some stupid reason I can’t. There is a nagging feeling in my life that won’t let me go.
I’ve tried pills, and ended up forcing myself to puke.
I’ve tried cutting and ended up bandaging myself back up well enough to not die.
I’ve thought of hanging myself, jumping off of something. Running into traffic. Poison. Everything.
I’ve gotten my hands on lots of things.
But I just can’t do it.
I’ve wanted to die for so long and because I can’t, for some reason, I want to die even more.
I can’t believe how miserable I am and I am so close to the edge.
Please let me go.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else have an absolute fear of being judged? I feel like that's the whole reason i'm being held back in life. Pretty much anything about me I don't do because of this. I don't drive, I can't talk to people and look at them in the eye, and when I am talking to them, I can't stop thoughts in my head in the middle of a conversation that cause me to blank out and just sit there until I recover and realize I should probably stop trying to talk before I continue to make myself look even more stupid. There's plenty more that this fear of being judged is causing me to miss out in life.
Obviously after all of this, I can do nothing but feel awful of myself. Such a low self-esteem that I can do nothing in life, of course i'm going to be constantly depressed. Personally, I think everything wrong with me starts from this one problem I have in my life. The. Fear. Of. Being. Judged.
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self.depression
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I wish I could like transfer what I have left of my life to someone else, someone who might make better use of it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am feeling emotional over a sex video It was a video of a cute young girl who appears to be making a video for her significant other. It wasn't that long but it is clear that it is a leaked video and it was only meant for the other persons eyes. She makes remarks about how she loved him, how she looked nervous and how it was his turn to make a video. I don't know why this video is getting to me so much. I guess I am feeling really lonely and am needing some love.
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self.offmychest
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What do you do when therapy doesn't work I've been in therapy off and on for the last ten years, and cycled through 5 different antidepressants. It hasn't helped, and has never helped. I don't want to die, but need it to change, and don't see anything other than suicide that could possibly change it. I'm depressed because I don't like where my life is going, and see no way to change it. I've been in school continually since I was five and am in my mid twenties now. I've worked the same minimum wage job for four years. I don't see anything I can do, and don't see anything that could possibly make me happy. I go to therapists and tell them I don't want to be alive, and they ask me about childhood memories and tell me I shouldn't hate myself. It doesn't help. What do I do besides kill myself now that there doesn't seem to be anything left?
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self.depression
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Bipolar and ADHD Hey all, I am new here. Been lurking a while, but decided I might as well say hi.
I have been in therapy previously, before I was diagnosed. My therapist thought I might be ADHD, but I ended up being bipolar.
But I moved to another state and have not reestablished a therapist. I have a bunch of physical issues and dealing with all the doctors and working a full-time job just gets overwhelming, so I've let my mental health take a backseat to my physical health.
The person who diagnosed me told me that bipolar could often have symptoms similar to ADHD, but that I was Bipolar II. My boyfriend thinks I need a second opinion. I am distracted even when I am depressed. He thinks I might have both.
What do you guys think? Should I check into ADHD as well?
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self.bipolar
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A stranger just saved my life... I woke up today wanting to die. I was planning on doing it after school so I decided school was pointless to go to. I walked to the mall by my school and went to a Kneader's and ordered french toast. French toast has always been my favorite so I figured it would be a good last thing to eat. I pondered a ton about my life and what it is I really want. I felt super empty but also my mind was racing with thoughts. I had convinced myself I needed to finish my life today. I had been thinking for about half an hour when an elderly man sat across from me and gave me a hot chocolate. He said that he ordered it for me because he could tell I needed it. He told me "I don't know what you're going through, but life will get better." And then he left. And then I cried. And now I'm back at school, and I think I want to live.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who responded to this and messaged me and just were so kind. <3
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self.depression
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The world is a cold and cruel place. It really is crazy how different the world feels now that I'm not a kid anymore.
I used to believe. I used to have hope. I used to trust. I used to believe and hope in the future. Now that I understand how life really is... I just can't anymore.
People always end up being disappointing. People always betray. No one cares about you but yourself. Some claim they do, but in fact they don't. The world won't get better as time goes by, in fact it's the opposite. Everything gets worse and worse. Whatever you get attached to just dies, eventually. Everything dies. Love doesn't even exist either. If you lost the genetic lottery when you were born you're screwed for life.
That sounds edgy and emo probably, and I'm sorry for that. Yet I feel it's true... sadly. I blame books, movies, video games, poets, my parents and basically any form of art. They make you believe love is real. They make you believe people are worth knowing. They make you believe there's something worth living for in this world.
Basically, they fill your brain with ideals and beautiful ideas that never happen in real life because real life is always disappointing. I believed in all this because I used to be a bright kid with dreamy tendencies... and now I just can't accept how empty and disappointing the world really is. I have all these dumb fantasized ideas about how things should be but they're nothing but lies...
The only truth is that the world is a cold and cruel place. It's like walking outside at night (how often I've done that...) and you follow the road and it's dark everywhere and you keep following and the darkness never ends...
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self.depression
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I still put myself 6 feet under everyone else Got in a car accident. Nothing special. I always end up getting too comfortable in cars and then something happens to make driving and cars scary.
All I can think of is people who are close to me getting in an accident and being badly injured or dying. Then I think about me driving and it happening to me and, nothing. I don’t feel anything. I’d rather drive everyone around than them drive themselves with the idea driving is basically a death sentence. I know it isn’t true, but I feel that everyone else is leaps and bounds more important and I’m just here to push others further. I’m here for others. It’s such a disgusting idea, but one that I’ve clinged to.
I don’t know. It sucks. I’m just ready for this depression to go away, but with all of the stress it’ll be around for a while and now I have to figure out how to forgive myself for basically getting someone’s car demolished, despite it being both our faults, it feels like mine. If I wasn’t spacey, if I had focused more, it was avoidable.
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self.bipolar
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i hate my job and i'm terrified to quit. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Those who got married, how did you survive the wedding with panic/anxiety? I have panic disorder and am engaged. The wedding isn't for at least a year, but I get overly anxious in simple scenarios, and this ain't no simple scenario. I could really use some advice.
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self.Anxiety
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[Serious] I'm a struggling Christian with a twisted mind, and I need help. All I really want to know is, if I we're to acquire a gun and kill myself and my family, would I still go to Heaven?
I feel sick asking this, and I'll probably cross-post to r/morbidquestions too, but I am 100% serious. I need a theological answer.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Life is too painful and i decided to die by dehydration, this will be my third attempt and i prey i succeed. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Doctor prescribed me Paxil without even talking to me about it. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don’t know where to post this, but my SO called the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and was told “You figure it out and call me back.” And was hung up on. Later that night, he harmed himself pretty badly. I’m trying to find a number or someone I could talk to that could explain this to me.
It is my understanding that this hotline is in place to help people, specifically people who are distressed and suicidal.
My SO called the number and after explaining that he was suicidal, he was dismissed with “You figure it out and call me back.” When he called back, he was hung up on again.
Later that night, he slit his wrists.
He’s okay now, but I’m trying to find a number or email so I can at least talk to someone and find out if this is apart of their training, or if it’s possible I would like to report the person he talked to.
I’m furious, and terrified at the fact that when he tried to reach out for help at his darkest hour (which is very hard for him) he was turned away and was made to feel so unimportant.
This is disgusting to me.
I wasn’t sure where to post this, and if there is somewhere better please direct me.
Thank you so much
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self.SuicideWatch
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Has anyone ever totally conquered their telephone anxiety? I have had a degree of telephone anxiety for as long as I knew that telephones existed.
These days I am generally fine with most simple calls. I begin to struggle a lot if I feel like I need to explain something more complicated.
For example today I had to call up a company about an appliance delivery that had a problem. I realised I was going to get a customer service rep who was not familiar with the issue (it was a somewhat unusual one), and I was going to have to spend a couple of minutes explaining exactly what had happened. I was on hold but began to become extremely anxious. Yeah, you probably know the drill. I began to panic a bit and had to hang up, then bullet point everything I needed to say. When I called back I was fine, but only because I had the bullet points for safety.
I wondered if there was anyone on here who has ever completely conquered telephone anxiety and if there was anything else that helped them in general?
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self.Anxiety
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I feel manic tonight, I'm sorry! Sorry if you get annoyed by all my comments, some kind of lengthy. I get really carried away with expressing myself when I'm manic... Honestly, I might be overreacting, but I can't remember how many comments I've made on different posts.
Again, sorry! I hate being an attention whore... even though I'm kind of being one in this post...
I've got a long car ride tomorrow, I'll try to refrain from the mind/word/conversation vomit over the weekend. This sub is just so fascinating. It's nice to know that I'm not alone (not nice about suffering though, that sucks).
Anyway, you're all wonderful people! You all exist for a reason! ❤️
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self.bipolar
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When you have over 1,000 “friends” on Facebook from high school and college and you only get 1 “Happy Birthday” post on your wall from someone you’ve only met once in passing. For some reason it hit hard this year. I realize it’s meaningless, but I see people with the same amount of friends on their birthday get hundreds of messages from people, collages of pictures, video messages, etc. I just don’t know what I did wrong in life to be so unliked. I guess I’ll hope for 1 again next year...
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self.depression
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I can't crash and burn. I cannot crash and burn. Yet I think that's what's happening. I feel on the edge of an anxiety attack, it's hard to keep my breathing under control. I've taken my clonazepam but it seems pretty weak. I haven't gotten my adderall on time (I think she forgot to send in the prescription to the pharmacy) and this was the worst possible week to not be at 100%. I have important assignments due and relatives are visiting and my mom is freaking out and I'm moving in three months and I need to make sure everything is in order before I leave. There's so much on my plate.
I want to up two of my medications that are controlled substances. I don't know how to ask for this without looking like a drug seeker. Instead of adderall xr 30 mg, I want to do 20 mg IR twice a day and I need to up my clonazepam since the .5 mg aren't doing it anymore and I don't like doubling up and running out of medication early. I know adderall can make my anxiety worse, but the anxiety seems to be coming from the fact that I'm so low energy I'm anxious about losing all the hard work I've done so far this semester.
I know not everything can be solved with medication and I'm ordering a CBT workbook, but right now I don't have time to talk to a therapist for a couple of weeks to redirect my negative thoughts and all that. I need fast acting shit to tide me over until the end of the semester. Is it bad to just straight up ask for these things?
I feel like I've been on the edge of tears for this whole past week. I need help.
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self.bipolar
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I really wish I didn't miss out on everything I'm 17, and I've missed out on the milestone's of life I feel like, never had a girlfriend had sex or even kissed someone, I was a fucking cringy idiot in freshman, sophomore year so I don't fucking get the normal high school experience, I'm a walking clown a joke, I've lost 50 pounds through hard work and it doesn't even feel like an accomplishment because I have no muscle and all the fat that's left is distributed like a fat person regardless. I'm nothing I'm a walking joke, even around my friends they all have a great life of fun and I can feel them almost laughing at me. And I miss out on every fucking social gathering anyway, I'm fucking working for 7.25 while my friends get to go out and have fun. Sorry for this long ass sorry ass post, I needed to get this off my chest
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self.depression
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Can't even pass as normal My mom just told me she's concerned about me and says my facial expressions look worrying. She said when I laugh I look like I have a crazy smile, like in a negative way. Goddammit. I knew I looked weird. I knew I made people uncomfortable. Fuck me. People are fucking scared of me and it's all because my natural facial expressions are fucked up. I'm never aware of it. I just feel normal. Apparently I'm the exact opposite of that. Fuck me man. Just fuck me. I have no charisma. I have the complete opposite of that. No wonder people don't like me. I just look fucking crazy all the time. I feel normal though. Idk fuck this
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self.depression
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Tip: when you're feeling okay, write yourself notes to read when you are doing badly. [removed]
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self.depression
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Threatened And Anxious To make a long story short,
I was threatened online by some guy I considered my friend because I called him creepy.
"Threatened" meaning he was going to report me for "being a fifty year old trying to have sex with him"
Which I am not. I am a 14 year old girl.
As you can imagine with anyone with anxiety, I had a panic attack. It lasted over thirty minutes. I was shaking, and I didn't understand.
I blocked him on the platform I was using to communicate with him. Many have reassured me that another threat he made was just to scare me.
I so badly want to confront him about this. I know it is such a terrible idea, but for whatever reason, I feel guilty for not standing up for myself. I can't let him destroy me like this.
He has sent me back into an anxious state once my life was getting better. I feel like I'm going to throw up, it's so bad.
Everything he did was just to scare me, and it worked. Now I am affected severely, and I know how desperate that sounds but he hurt me.
So should I confront him? Or should I hold this guilt? How can I get rid of this guilt?
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self.Anxiety
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After 3 months of stalling, I finally convinced myself to go see my school counselor today! Here's to self improvement.
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self.depression
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Moving Anxiety Hi everyone. Let me tell you my story. I’m from the US and my fiancé is from Spain. We have an approved fiancée visa (known as K1) so he can move with me (the visa expires in 2 months). Recently, his company (he is an engineer) offered him a good increase and an job offer for me in his company (in the same field in working right now in the US). We have saving to start our lives in both country and we both speak both English and Spain. We both are close to our families; probably I’m more than him. I work here in the US and I can support him until he finds a job. In my area, we don’t think he’ll have lot of problems.
So this choice on where to leave together (either in Spain or the US) has left us in an analysis paralysis that is taking too long. It’s really breaking my heart and I get anxiety about making the “wrong” decision.
I started waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing for no apparent reason. So many days I can’t sleep at night. I am feeling a lot of anxiety about this, not that I don't want it (we are absolutely committed to be together).... just fear of the unknown I guess. I didn’t have these feelings until we knew about the increase and the job offer.
Thoughts and ideas please.
Molly
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self.Anxiety
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[Spoilers] Kylo Ren is actually a really relatable character to me [deleted]
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self.depression
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anybody want to talk? My family life is absolute hell right now, and I’ve never been so alone.
I just need somebody to talk with to make it through this..
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self.SuicideWatch
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Songs you play on repeat when depressed? Mine is IWonderWhoTookMyPlaceThisTime by The Virus and Antidote
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self.bipolar
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What stage is this? Been battling depression for what seems like decades, but I feel as if I’m finally getting better, I’m gonna graduate soon and I am now a legal adult, everything is looking up and I do my best to stay positive, sometimes I have those random sad days when nothing is making me sad, I just am. But for the most part I’m happy, ALTHOUGH, I still want to die. I don’t want to end my own life, I just want it to end, so I can get it over with you know? Crazy I guess but that’s just how I feel idk.
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self.depression
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I'm worn out I'm nearly 26, I've had depression for nearly two decades, and it feels worse than ever now. I've been losing interest in anything I found fun for ages, and a couple of weeks ago I lost interest in the last thing that gets me through each day. Now I don't have any distractions anymore. I feel closer to suicide than I've ever felt before, and if I wasn't worried about the well being of my emotionally fragile roommate or my cat, who is incredibly attached to me, then I would go through with my plan right away.
I sleep all day, and my self-hatred has reached new peaks. My anorexia is coming back, and I kind of want it to come back so I have something to make life a bit less dull. Psychiatrists refuse to see me because of one of my diagnoses (BPD), and/or because they only see inpatients. I can't afford private therapists and I don't have insurance. Medication hasn't helped, and my GP has given up on it.
I feel desperate for someone to talk to, but I don't even know what to say. Talking to people hasn't helped me before either. At the same time I think I just want a final push to get me to end it. It isn't even about stopping the pain anymore, I just don't enjoy being alive. I feel like I'm stuck listening to a boring lecture about something I don't care about, I just want it to be over.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Certain places set you off? First time poster here but a long term anxiety sufferer. Lately I've been having pretty bad health anxiety and general depression, my most annoying symptom is dizziness and feeling like the world is swaying and I'm slightly off balance. However I notice it gets much worse in certain places, when I enter a certain place I know for a fact I'll get the dizzy sensation more intensely, and unfortunately one of these places is my apartment and I obviously can't avoid it. Whenever I step into my apartment I immediately get light-headed and convinced I'm off-balance and this sets off my anxiety. Is there anything I can do to remove the association between certain places and my anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Who am I Have you ever been in a relationship where you try to do so much to please the other person (who you can feel slipping away) that you completely lose yourself?
Nothing you do or say is right.
It’s awful. Especially when prior to you had an amazing relationship with the person.
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self.offmychest
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This is it. I'm 25 years old. I've never had a job. I grew up here and there, I don't know over half my siblings. I have no family left because I have mental illnesses and that isn't acceptable. I've been alone, sometimes homeless, for the past 6 years.
I attempted suicide once when I was 18. I failed back then but I won't this time.
I see a therapist every 2 weeks since I was 17 for bipolar, ptsd, panic disorder, and GAD. I have agoraphobia so I never leave unless it's for those appointments.
I've never lived so this isn't a loss at all.
I just ended my relationship with my fiance. He use to help me and understood me. I haven't changed any since we met. But he no longer cares and just stays with me for my house.
I plan to stick it out in the cold when he transfers his bills over and try to sell the house for cheap so it'll go fast. The money will be given to the only sister I know. 10000$ should be a quick sell.
Once she has the money, that's all for me. Guess I just wanted someone out there to know I'm going. Goodbye everyone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Survival - 101 - How do I deal with a Misogynistic father and how do I make my mother see him for who he really is??? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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If home is where the heart is then my house feels abandoned Not bothering with an alt, maybe one of my friends see's this and it makes more sense?
My wife is amazing and truly loves me, I love her and our two sons as well.
The issue is that none of my close friends have kids. I knew I was slowly growing apart from them before kids but by the time I adopted my boys it came full circle.
I got one of the two "close" friends a job w/me , where he honestly has less responsibility but makes more money than me. He often talks to another dude at work or other friends on discord more than me. It drives me up the wall when I try to say something and get nothing back.
I was extremely close with my mom growing up . Dad walked out when i was young and step father was verbally and emotionally abusive. He got too physical a few times but never anything I'd want to call physical abuse.
My mom refuses to ever say anything to him and it's driving me away from my mom.
I feel like the only person I have is my wife, whom I honest to God thankful for. I just miss having close friends to do life with.
I play elec gutiar at church and have been there over two years. I do more than any other person on that team yet pastor only seems to put responsibility in those that can sing. Often one of the two main guys cannot play with the click track and it holds us back.
Within the past 2 years I've left IT and got a job as a developer. I love my boss and the process of developing but I hate the software I get stuck on. The guy who's supposed to lead and teach me just ends up making me feel like an idiot.
I'm not sure if I'm depressed but I don't want to go to the doctor and rack up bills when my wife needs surgery. Money is already tight.
I dont know what I hope to get out of this but it's out there in case anything helps. I'm sorry if this seems selfish or whining. Just feel like I'm losing control and a sense of happiness.
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self.offmychest
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I am grateful for the subreddit It makes me feel less alone to know that other people too suffer from debilitating anxiety and we are all in this together. much love<3
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self.Anxiety
|
constantly worried about health? Anyone else have this? A year or so ago I was convinced that something was (physically) wrong with my brain. I was sure that I was feeling weird sensations inside my head and nervously searched online for anything I could find about what might be wrong. I grew so worried that I eventually requested an MRI from my therapist and he requested one for me from the hospital. It turned out that everything was perfectly normal aside from swollen sinuses (I have seasonal allergies). Upon hearing the results my anxiety about the issue vanished immediately; I felt hugely relieved and no longer perceived any symptoms.
But different health concerns continue to come and go and it seems like I'm always worried about something being wrong. Now I'm worried that I have some problem with my eyesight. I keep thinking that I'm seeing anomalies or just not seeing as well as I should. I'm considering making an appointment for an eye test but I don't want to go through all that if it just turns out to be nothing again.
Does anyone else deal with this and what do you recommend?
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel like shit because i unknowingly did a shit thing. sorry, this is my first time posting and i still don't know if venting here will make me feel better but i wanted to try it anyway....
I came home from a shit day of school i was feeling miserable and after dotting myself with several small holes with a pencil i logged on to play a game and i saw that someone i love playing with was on and i invite them and they join and for a while were playing until i get off to take a break. I make a joke that at first i didn't think was offensive and i definitely didn't mean it to be offensive and i said sorry to multiple people who were confused that i was even messaging it to them and everything went to shit and now i'm sitting here with a pencil again with more and more small holes.
I just wanted to put this somewhere. i don't know what to do and im paranoid that i have lost what i can consider one of my better friends to a silly joke......
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self.depression
|
Does Anyone wake up early in the morning with bad anxiety? So I've been alright in terms of anxiety levels recently. My days have been stable mostly. I have a thyroid condition and have to wake up at 6am to take a pill every morning. I find recently, I'll wake up, take the pill, and go back to sleep, but when I put my head back on the pillow and close my eyes, my mind starts racing, I start sweating, and I get really anxious, and can't fall back asleep. I can't just get up, because it's way too early. I'm on day 9 of taking escitalopram, and hopefully in a week or 2, that morning anxiety will fade, and I'll be able to get some morning rest again. Can anyone relate?
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self.Anxiety
|
Gaming Does anyone else use gaming as something beyond an outlet? i use it to escape everything like most do but i never want to put the controller down, which is why i play entirely too much.
i wish Sword Art Online(Anime) was real..
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self.depression
|
Too many times I have felt a massive wave of depression return instantly after a long gaming session After I turn off my PS4 I often go right back to feeling like shit again and it doesn't help I've started falling back into long depression naps and waking up in the afternoon the next day. I also enjoy Twitch streams because the host actually engages with the viewers and I feel like we're friends where as in RL nobody really cares about me or what I have to say. I know I have to live up to reality though. But if there was a scenario where you could live in a virtual world like in Ready Player One I would gladly take it in a heartbeat.
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self.depression
|
I have been wanting to send a letter to the guy who sexually assaulted me around this time last year I am currently posting on a backup account.
I planned on sending this letter to him during finals week but I'm thinking I should send it before then. I have been wanting to send a letter to him for a while now and I finally started writing it the end of September. I came back to saved note a few hours ago and I feel like I've finished it.
My boyfriend didn't like the idea of me sending the letter to the guy because he doesn't me to be in contact with him, and he was hurt the most through it all. But I know deep down inside of me I want the guy to know how he affected my life this past year and honestly I want him to feel like shit. I did want to let out all my frustrations but I decided against it and let out only a little bit in the end. I will want to send the letter to him sometime this upcoming week or two.
*Names in this letter have been changed
(Additionally, if there are any grammatical errors, please let me know. I want my words to be as clear as day when he reads it. I also am open to feedback.)
Letter below:
My biggest regret is not reporting you for what you did to me last November. So much time has gone by but I can't help relating (name of my college) to what happened that night. Because of you, my heart races whenever I see an (his race) guy with glasses, my brain would freeze up when I see the people who I was once close with, and my chest would tighten when I see the name (name of the asshole). You have caused so much pain to me but you wouldn't even know that. From the beginning you thought the best would be to forget everything that happened and pretend that things didn't happen. That night after the incident I decided to go out of my way to talk to you when everyone was telling me not to, and that night I made one of the most stupidest decisions of my life. You knew very well that I was being nice, after repeatedly telling you that I could easily ruin your life by reporting you. You obviously have not thought into this as much as I have because it still affects me to this day. I have to make an effort to be happy whereas it would come naturally to me in the past. You ruined the person I used to be and I've cried so so much.
We both know what your intentions were that night. You saw a chance and decided to go forth with it. Little details such as hanging up on Esther* abruptly when you found out no one was able to get the door. We were talking with Danielle* for a good while before she left and you didn't seem drunk, and I don't believe you drank much at all that night. I offered that we shared the bed because I already felt like an intrusion; I wasn't going to let you sleep uncomfortably on the desk. My thoughts were to just sleep, me facing the wall in my own section. Instead, after a while you started grabbing my chest and rested above me kissing my lips and inserting your tongue into my mouth, and me not kissing back because I told you I was in a relationship. You wanted to go a lot further that night. I did some things that I'm so embarrassed by and disgusted with, but you should know that that goes for you too, but times a million because you were taking advantage of someone who was not sober. You said the words no one in a relationship wants to hear: "He doesn't have to know." I wore a bodysuit that night and I felt so lucky that I did because if I didn't I knew you would've done it. We both know you would have. You didn't believe me when I told you that I was wearing a bodysuit so you reached down there to see if I was lying, and the change in the tone of your voice when you realized I was telling you the truth.
How did it feel when you told Andrew* that I "consented" that night? When I heard about that, I felt that the interaction I had with you that night after went to waste. I couldn't believe the fact that I spent over 2 hours with you late at night outside when it was below freezing, having to educate you what consent was, and then many months later to hear through other people that I consented that night. Right when I heard that I was furious. You knew that I didn't want anything to do with you so behind my back you go on telling others that I gave consent.
And because of all this, I'm even more upset that nobody knows the full story. That night we talked, you said you won't hang out with the group anymore and you will keep your distance from us. I wanted to handle things maturely but I guess because I didn't make a drastic move, you made yours. I gave you the opportunity to make a well-rounded decision on your own because I told you that I'm not your parent who tells you what you should do and what not do. You didn't own up to what you did and you kicked me to the curb. Instead, what happened was that the people I used to be close friends rejected me and don't talk to me anymore. They accused me of lying and called me "manipulative" for reasons I still don't know to this day. They told me they wanted a break from me, saying they want space from me for reasons they couldn't even come up with. What I can't accept is how you thought this was fair. I tossed away the option of reporting you, knowing that if you are marked as a sexual offender it stays with you your whole life. I told you very clearly that I won't report you, and that I wouldn't report you behind your back. I kept saying to you "I'm way too fucking nice." I had a gut feeling that I should report you, but I ultimately shut that thought down. I remember you saying over and over again about how grateful you are for me not reporting you, but now I've been feeling that I made the wrong decision because you took advantage of it and decided to get rid of me so no one knows what really happened.
It's been a while and over this course of time I've transformed so much as a person. I'm no longer naïve, thinking even those I would consider a close friend could be trustworthy. There was a point where I became this hateful person that is far from my true personality. I became bolder and confident, but also depressed. You've hurt me so much and so much crying is linked to you. And because of you, I couldn't take it anymore and have been wanting to transfer out of (my current college) because this toxic place would remind me of what you did to me that night.
Recently there have been big names in the entertainment industry who have been exposed due to their past inappropriate sexual misconduct. Some are admitting their past actions while some are denying them. I'm sure you'll remain in the group that denies everything and puts off the blame from yourself and continue to spread untrue information about how "I consented that night." Don't you forget that I had to teach you what consent was the night following the incident and the fact that you thanked me restlessly for not to reporting you like a fucking coward you are.
For this Thanksgiving and every Thanksgiving that follows in your life, be thankful for all the shit you will go through in the future because I guess it wouldn't be as bad as being publicly known that you have sexually assaulted someone and for lying about it.
— — — — —
If you got up to here, thank you for taking the time out of your day and reading my lengthy post.
I hope you have a great day!!!
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self.offmychest
|
Just one slit, just one leap, just one drop! Depression... often misunderstood by many people, especially in heavily religious, ignorant and uneducated areas of the world.
Luckily, I do live in a Scandinavian country myself, so none of the things that I just said are really a problem, or at least I haven't faced such problems yet.
Now that I think about it, I have; my parents are extremely religious, because they're immigrants (my dad's family immigrated here when he was 1 year old, and my mom immigrated here when she married my dad at a very, very young age, because well... that's just a more common thing in the Muslim world, or at least in my relatives' community). After having a lot of arguments with my parents when I became an Atheist (I was around 14 years, and 11 months old when I revealed it to them), I started to grow apart from the people I was once so close to. This might seem common for a teenager, but slowly after that I started to realize how few friends I had in real life, mainly because we had just moved back to said Scandinavian country, after moving to the Muslim country my parents were born in (although my dad grew up in said Scandinavian country, so he technically is a national of that country (though not ethnically), and to a certain degree he does call himself a bit of a national of that country, although he does identify more as a person from the Muslim country, even though he's only lived there for 2 years).
*Family problems*
We moved back to said Scandinavian country 2 years later, and I started to love life here a lot more. This was when I was 14, so I was starting to get a lot more skeptical about... everything. I wouldn't cover my ears whenever I heard someone else's opinion, and coming back to Scandinavia education system really made my brain flourish compared to the old me in the Muslim country. I started to question my existence, and other things, and while this might seem "normal" or "not that deep", later on, I made some big changes in my life, because of these small, and positive changes.
After hearing about all of the controversies involving Jontron back in february or march of 2017, I found one channel that covered it that I kind of liked called Armoured Skeptic. I started watching more and more of his videos, and after watching a couple videos, I stumbled upon his Atheist videos. While at first, treading lightly in this new territory, I came to love him shutting down a bunch of "dumb Christians" with good points too. After a while, I found other Atheist and skeptic channels too, some of them being ex-Muslim.
After listening to a lot of their arguments for months, I started to see all of the flaws in Islam, and how it wasn't a "flawless religion perfected, by a perfect other worldly intelligence that we couldn't even start to comprehend". After debating a lot of things in my head, like religion philosophically, how man-made it really is, why Islam couldn't be the perfect religion, and the flaws of all the big religions in general. I came to a conclusion after months of debate, research and general philosophy: there is no such intelligence, I was lied to, and forced to spend hundreds of hours in Mosques, learning how to read a language that I wasn't even taught. My conclusion is subjective, so I'm not saying you should become an Atheist, if religion gives you purpose, go with the flow, but I personally can't do something that I inertly believe as being false, and made up.
Back in May (1 month before I turned 15) I came out to my parents, and knowing about their both exponentially pathetic, and outrageous views, I expected no sympathy, and absolute outrage from them!
The result was just what I expected, and it almost feels like I knew my parents too well. Now, you might asked "why even come out to them in the first place, if you know about their views?".
Well, this question would've plagued me, if I was sociopathic, you see, us humans just can't keep secrets from our closest relatives, we just feel a guilt, and we just want to tell them, and relieve ourselves from this guilt. The bigger the secret, the more we want to tell it, and it's a completely natural instinct, that we might actually sometimes have to stop, without scratching it, without telling the truth.
Anyways, going back to the story, when I ended up telling my parents, they just tried to force me towards the religion even more, they thought it was just me being a rebellious teen, and not me having a different point of view, believing in different things!
Them being some of the only people I used to talk to at the time, them distancing themselves from me, calling me Satan's best friend really hurt me. I still wanted their love, but I also wanted them to accept me for who I am: an Atheist!
After they shoved Islam down my throat, I started seeing both the religion, and my parents as enemies. After they started to take away my rights, my freedoms, and my material goods that helped me get through the day, I started to rebel. I started hating them, and for the past few months, I've felt next to no empathy towards them, and I've developed quite a lot of bad behaviors ESPECIALLY towards them, that feel like actual rebellious behavior. I started to tell them of how much I drank alcohol, although hadn't actually drank any yet, and I told them I ate pork (which wasn't a lie, I even ate some in front of them). After my dad banned me from the internet, I REALLY got mad, my parents both thought that without me having access to the devil's websites, they'd be able to change me, but this was probably their BIGGEST mistake! Since I had no friends at the time (and I still don't have almost any), I cut all my ties to them, I felt COMPLETELY sociopathic towards them, and I liked it when they got hurt, I often made fun of my mom's headscarf for example, just to piss her off, and feel... kinda glad inside.
I also remember saying "fuck Islam" and "Mohammed was a pedophile" to them a lot of times, but my dad would usually beat me up when I said that, and sometimes my mom would beat me with a rolling pin, or sandal. While them taking away my internet pissed me off a lot, I simply changed my laptop's MAC address, since that's the only thing my dad could block with his admin controls, although I thought of cracking the password of the admin tool via a brute force password cracker, after he made his laptop forget the password for the admin controller.
I basically only went through one day of suffering without any internet, before I just changed my MAC address via regedit.
You might think that my dad would discover this, but I definitely convinced him that I had no internet, and that I was suffering, after I kept begging him to unblock me, just so he wouldn't suspect anything.
I knew that some day, I wouldn't have to keep begging, because he'd unblock me, maybe even accept me for who I am!
After this going on for a few months, them beating me, abusing me, and all around almost pushing towards suicide, they finally revealed that they'd partially accept me for who I am (still partially to this day, because they're still embarrassed of me being the only Atheist in a VERY deeply Muslim family tree). Those are all of my family problems aside, now here are my current issues, the issues of having no friends:
*Being alone*
Ever since we moved back to this country back in October, and since school started for me back in November, I've really had issues with making friends. Just one week after starting in the new school, I already felt like I didn't fit in, I didn't talk to anyone other than an outcast, and just one week later I was having beef with the 2 most popular kids in the class... great job, you couldn't have screwed it up more than that!
After that, I obviously burned a LOT of bridges, and I MEAN a lot! Especially in a country that felt so familiar, yet foreign, in terms of everything, and mostly culture!
After being alone for so long, I didn't feel like I needed to make friends, and for a while, I really didn't care all that much, I felt like I was better than everyone else, and that they didn't deserve a friend that was as brilliant and intelligent as me! Indeed, I wasn't dumb, but I both ridiculously overestimated my own intelligence, and used it as a way to boost my declining ego, after it hit rock bottom (for at the time). Unluckily, the week I started in the school was one week before a BIG project week, and we had to work on it a lot. I was left with the people that weren't in any other groups, and they were terrible at just about everything, although one of them was... decent enough I guess, if I gotta be honest, he was a really nice guy.
So anyways, when we get the grades for the couple of weeks I was there, I was devastated, because I was so used to getting much, much higher grades, although the grades that I got were alright. That day, I just went home, and hid my grades from everyone, and just thought of how much of an idiot I was...
How terrible I was towards everyone else (although this was mostly because of cultural differences, and me not having many friends, because we used to move a lot). I was just regretting my life, although I ended up not caring about the grades after a while. Then, the miserable excuse of a holiday ended, and school started again. After going to boring old school for a while, we got the grades for the project we did, and I genuinely expected something good. I look at it, and it's one of the worst grades in the class...
(This was actually when I got into the beef with the popular kids, because I made fun of their presentation. Why did I do that? I don't fucking know, they were super nice to me, but I was just being a retard, and ruining my own reputation instead of making friends, JUST. TO. BOOST. MY. OWN. EGO!!!!!!).
When I saw that grade, a FOUR, I died inside. The excuse of a guy with no life, was also getting bad grades now... what's next? How could anything go ANY worse?! Well first of all, having to go home without telling anyone my grade was really embarrassing, although I eventually got over that too. After being an outsider for a while, I just focus on the stress of school, and trying to become better. Well, in the end, I ended up improving a lot, if everyone in the class was supposed to be represented as a nation, I was like China, because I was both isolated, but also improving A LOT.
So yadda, yadda, I start talking to the others a little, they start to forgive me (although my ruined reputation is probably unfixable), and the end of the year approaches. Well, in this time, we got a new guy in the class, someone whom we could call Ryan. Ryan was a Polish immigrant who didn't know our native language that well, so it was probably also going to be kind of hard for him to fit in. Well, first day we sit together, we start cracking jokes like we're best buds, I felt like I found a perfect friend! Then he started talking about how he had such a good gaming PC, and I was just amazed. I didn't know much about PCs back then, but I found it crazy that he had a WATERCOOLED PC! Now, although I do heavily wince at this today, this was still a good experience, we ended up connecting, and I was soon doing some research on different parts, what does what in a PC, until I ended up knowing so much that I know a lot more than my friend today, becoming a FULL ON enthusiast, and looking up different budget builds, and old build from a decade ago just as a hobby.
Anyways, towards the end of the year, there was this guy who used to go in the same school as I do now, who still hangs out a lot with the people from my school, who wanted to hang out with me!
I of course accepted his generous offer, but I was still strict with my time back then, because I didn't really enjoy going outside back then that much. After he invited me to have fun, I loved it outside, just really wanting to hang out with everyone. That's when I really started to FEEL my loneliness, because I realized how no one really wanted to hang out with me.
This hit me hard, I started to not enjoy the things I did (my depression REALLY started to show). Then the summer holiday came, we got our grades for the end of the year, and while my grades weren't perfect, they really improved. The summer holiday was really just me missing school, because of how lonely I was. Think of it like this: I was home every day, with people whom I wanted to escape from! Those 6 weeks were absolutely horrible, but I did end up re-branding myself. I got a [new hairstyle] (https://smhttp-ssl-33667.nexcesscdn.net/manual/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/side-part-fade-haircut-spikey-hair.jpg), which my dad nailed, because he was an ex-professional hairdresser (he ended up retiring early, because of medical complications). I also started losing some weight, so the summer holiday wasn't all THAT bad, I guess, although as I said, I was still really depressed. Then the next year rolls around, and while I did start to socialize a lot more with people, and becoming a lot less socially awkward, I still ended up feeling how much people didn't like me, I could feel the rejection in the air! I ended up adding everyone on Snapchat, and getting streaks with some people. I for some reason developed a crush on one girl during this time, and I probably really creeped her out on Snapchat, which I'm SOO embarrassed about, I'm not sure if she either loved me and was shy, or if she thought I was creepy. Either way, after I sent her something that definitely showed my attraction towards her, and her acting like she didn't see it, I just ended up giving up. I didn't feel like embarrassing myself further, and ruining my reputation, in a culture where bullying mostly doesn't exist, and where people are mostly accepting of anyone! After that, we went to a trip with the class to Poland, and we had a fun time there. I started to open up a lot more to my classmates, and they thought I was hilarious!
I made them laugh a lot (not at me, but with me), and well... the trip was an all around fun trip. This was back in October, so after that, you might expect them to start liking me a lot more... right? Well, I still feel rejecting, I never get invited to anything, they only send me pictures of their parties where I'm one of the few people who weren't invited.
Back in October, when we came back from Poland, first of all, I felt like my parents really missed me, and they were genuinely acting nice to me, but I was really being a dick. In school, I still wasn't part of my classmates' friend circle, and after going through a big identity crisis, considering suicide several times, my narcissism coming back to haunt me after I thought I had grown out of it months ago, I am where I am today. I probably still don't have the best answer to the rest of my life, but I certainly don't have a bad one. After I started thinking for a while, I thought that maybe people didn't resent me... maybe they just didn't think of me when arranging meet-ups and parties, although I still do feel half-resented at school (especially in recent times).
You might tell me to fuck the rest of the class, and only stay friends with Ryan, but the thing with Ryan is that he doesn't like leaving his home, he likes gaming on his PC, often times, he's pretty lazy, he only ever cares about parties so he doesn't get left out. Honestly, I still talk to Ryan, and we're best friends, but I just want more friends than one guy who I only talk to at school or on my laptop. I want some people who I can go out and drink myself shitfaced with, to forget about life... to forget about all of these issues someone my age shouldn't have! I've thought of doing a Reddit meetup before, but I've never really gone through with it, plus I don't know about what redditors will think about some 15 year old who sounds like a prebubescent little boy.
I have felt alone several times, and I've mostly cheered myself up with redditors befriending, and both helping me, and also themselves, because they also needed someone to talk to. Reddit has been there for me, because this community genuinely tries to FIX your problems, and you people are DAMN GOOD at it! Fine, there might be some retards amongst us, but there are also some geniuses! By the way, my relationship with my parents has been getting better, although I did go through a period of time where I didn't mind if they died, and sometimes even genuinely from the bottom of my heart wished that they'd die a painful death! I've even gone through times where I genuinely thought I was sociopathic! During all this time, I often considered suicide to be a good option, and only the friends I made through Reddit convinced me not to do it, and how "I'm a great person". I always felt like a piece of shit, and the real debate in my head was "just one slit, leap or drop?", "which poison should I pick?".
Anyways, I just had to write all of this, because I'm too scared to go to a therapist, I know that they might not bite, but I don't know, I just find Reddit to be A LOT more comforting! Also, I know that you might not have enough time to read all of this, but I spent 2,5 hours writing this (1AM-3:30AM), and I'd really appreciate it if you could read it all, and give me some legitimately good advice! I won't make you, if you don't want to, but power to you if you decide to read it all! This is like something more than therapy to me, this is some really personal shit that not even my best friend knows about! Also, Windows Update restarted my computer, and I thought I had lost this text, but I still ended up luckily recovering it. Good night, Reddit, I'm going to sleep now!
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self.depression
|
I want to end it, hopefully I can get through the night. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
killing myself in a few hours In a few hours it will be my 17th birthday, and i don't feel like continuing on any further than this.
My grades are shit and i have no motivation to put in the work it will take to fix them, and i've had enough of being bitched at by my parents and/or the school principal about how i should be doing better. I don't care about graduating, im only in this bullshit school because some stupid law says i have to be. I'm hardly on track for graduation anyways, and my motivation has only deteriorated since..whenever, it wont improve. Friends and family will be sad probably, but they'll get through it eventually. I'd like for them to not be sad at all, but im not a good enough person to just suffer so they can be happy. Can't afford therapy or meds because we're poor and i just spent my last bit of money on a G43 and a box of 9mm. I used to be completely nervous even holding a gun, but im too numb to experience any sort of fear from them anymore, holding a gun to my head isn't shit to me now. now i just have to wait until everyone leaves the house in the morning so i can sob for a final time and eat lead without being stopped
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What weird thing do you do to feel better when you're depressed? I usually end up eating grilled pb&j sandwiches. They don't make me feel better but they do make me feel kind of okay for a little while.
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self.bipolar
|
Has anything changed? Last year around this time I tried to kill myself. I know I should be glad that I didn't go through with it, but I don't know if anything has changed for the better in this past year. If I had swallowed those pills, there are so many terrible experiences I wouldn't have had. I'm not considering doing anything. I just wish that things had gotten better.
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self.offmychest
|
Working after College I am starting to really worry about the transition for University (having 5 weeks off) to working where we will only have 2 weeks off. I am worried I will start to feel miserable after the first 6 months. Any advice? Words of comfort?
I am scared of being unfufilled.
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self.Anxiety
|
A Lot is Happening Right Now and It's Hard to Process So I guess this is half depression, half anxiety. I broke up with my boyfriend before Christmas and moved out. I've been trying to get past some of the emotional abuse that happened. I'm trying to figure everything out. It's rough. Life is pretty hard by myself.
I've had several panic attacks about my future. They have ranged from being about me as a person, me as a potential partner and about money (aka my biggest stressor). Life sucks, my dudes.
I'm struggling right now. Getting out of bed and going to work is a big deal to me because it means putting on my mask for 8 hours and pretending I'm doing fine. The reality is that I'm mentally crying in the corner wondering what I did to deserve all this stress and anxiety that's constantly building up inside me.
I'm trying.... I'm trying really hard. I'm making plans to do things. I'm looking forward to things later in the year. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of fighting all the damn time. I'm fighting my own mind and it's frustrating. I can't really afford to go to therapy right now so I'm resorting to self care and sometimes nothing helps. One thing I'm thankful for in this mess of my life is my friend that has listened to me, held me through my panic attacks and talked me down from ledges. He's still there for me even though he's seen me at some pretty dark places.
Ok, rant/vent over. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening.
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self.Anxiety
|
No point in doing anything I want to do things, I want hobbies I want to improve but there is a part of me that finds it to difficult and gets no self satisfaction from it.
I want vitality I want energy but all my energy is drained in getting out of bed and pretending to be happy
I want to beat this depression but the more I try the worse I get
I want people to understand my struggle, if people walked in my shoes they would wonder how I still have any strength left
Why am I like this? It is said that pain is self inflicted but why would I want to do this to myself?
Life goes on yet I'm static I struggle everyday and the worse part is the more I try to climb the more I sink
I know I'm not alone on this but yet i feel so alone, feel so disconnected do I have to go through this to
Become stronger or is the where it gets worse
*sigh*
|
self.depression
|
I think I fell to quick... [Long post] I hate not being able to confront people properly. I've been a nervous wreck my whole life when it comes to being in the spot light, freezing up and then its like my brain dosent even know how to work anymore.
Theres also this girl I know who is very attractive and smart. Shes a coworker who began working at the same job as I, about a week before we started to talk as friends. I get her snapchat, a few days later she hits me up asking if there were any parties going on (we're both between 18-21). Durring this time i was not to shy or nervous around her. She was more a new person/hire to me and seeing enough people come and go it was easy to play off the attatched feeling we get after friending someone. I cant remember verbatim what was said but I can recall being VERY high and complaining to her that we should hangout anothet time, maybe when im more coherent. I ask her if shes free any other night but she insists this is her only free night for awhile. I, finding her attractive but not too convinced to be attatched, start develope this need to have her over now. I agree to having her over and also suggest we both get high so I atleast feel more comfortable and no doubt shes cool with it but also mentions its been awhile since shes takin' dabs. Whenever I get high I get this impression I dont look too good so when shes over I was sure freaking out about that. But also the lack of things to talk about. It was another one of those moments where I carried the momentum in the conversion but it sure as hell wasnt much. I continue to bring up diffrent things to do since the last thing I want her to think is that I just want to bang her. But we continue to just listen to music (which I let her play her music on my speakerz). After the dab we laugh alot, actually carried out some conversation, and I soon found myself cuddling with her. At this time it was atleast 3am and I worked at 10:45 the next morning. The whole time we were hanging out I expected her to tell me it was time for her to leave. I asked her if she wanted to stay the night instead and was a bit baffled that she even said yes. Feeling confident enough I ask her if she would rather sleep in a bed instead of the couch. Sure enough she said yes and also didnt mnd if we slept together. It was I who made the first move, just for clarification, when things became alittle more spicy. And so the night goes as you could expect. Afterwards we layed together naked, she being the little spoon. I remembered reaching over her waist to hold her hand while we cuddled. That was probably the moment i really started to fall for her. Everything inside of me said no but my heart said yes... maybe I should have listened? Who knows.
I regret never actually talking about that night with her. The next day I expected a string of snaps to go back and fourth between eachother but instead conversation was dry and I was too afraid to bring it up. So I spill the beans with a close friend to ease the stress that layed over me the next few days. Its was around this time I should have said something to her. We both avoided the topic and acted like it never happened.. which hurt me greatly.
A week passes and I began assuming she only wanted that one night stand. I beat myself up for even believing there was a possibility for her and I. She was smarter, funnier, and most importantly beautiful. Jealousy filled my body anytime anyone brought her up. I couldnt even bare to think that I was nothing to her. Sometimes I wish I could have gone to her and told her off. But I never did, because what did I know. I certainly never spoke to her about that night since.
Its been 2 weeks since that fateful night. One of my good friends asks about going to a bar with him and a few others. The girl and I weren't on bad terms, we still spoke, just not often and it was genuinely either cringe or very plain. I ask her if she wants to tag along. She seeming enthusiastic about coming I thought, 'Maybe this is my moment to shine and actually clear some bullshit up!' Well that night I have to close and by the time I make it home its already 12:30 (bars close here at 2am). Ontop of that my phone dies mid shift. My friend had mesaaged me before I left, which I hadn't tell later, that not enough people showed up intime for him to stay. I break the news to said girl but shes not to worried because she had already accompanied herself at a hookah lounge with a few friends. She invites me to come join. It was like as if all the negativity had disappeared. So I come along and didn't start out with me chilling next to her. Infact I still felt just as distant like before I came through. Oh did I mention I was pretty high when I showed up? Yeah that didn't help. Talk goes back and fourth but I'm mostly out of the conversation since they kept bringing up inside jokes and talking about shit I had no idea on. Later we group up to roll a blunt amongst 7 people. Yep you guessed it too, was a cringe fest. All of us jam packed into a small twin cab pick up. Luckily one of the friends snuck a half bottle of vodka, one of the larger bottles too. We pass that around including some bottles of sugar'd alcohol (Smirnoff). The night winds down into all of us in the back of another truck tucked into a blanket passing around the same vodka bottle. Said girl is sorta across from me. Everytime I spoke I had her full attention and sometimes when no one spoke we still exchanged looks. Note though here guy friend (whom I'm sure is either cuirious or not into her) was seperating us. Not in a protective way just I never asked to sit next to her but also I was last to hop in. I also lowkey felt like he was being HELLA wing man. Absolute props to that man if so. Its about 3am ish again, now mostly everyone was gone and we were nestled inside her appartment who she shared with 2 other girls. One of her friends that I also knew stayed over aswell, said girl was her ride home. Friend girl passes out on said girl's bed so now its just us two hanging out on her floor talking about music, her competitive dancing, and other sorts. I knew it was either I make a move now or never. She was like sitting infront of her mirror taking off her makeup. It was pretty cold in her room too so I let her wear my jacket. I then lassoed my arms around her in a holding but hug way. She didnt resist, nor did she object. Should I have asked? Probably but considering how shy I already was to even talk to her that was not going to happen then. We came to taking snapchat pictures through the mirror. Using the hearts that hovered around your head filter we took I think 2 or 3? All of which were posted immditealy to her story. Its about 5:30am and yet again I work at 10:45am so I decided maybe I should leave fearing that my dad would also have my ass if I didnt return his car for work. She walked me to the door and before i left i hugged her for a few seconds longer. She then kissed me. It was then I had no idea what to expect after that. Feeling full of confidence and a smile from ear to ear I leave. Happiness just made its FUCKIN way right into me. Got a good 3 hours of sleep and hussled through shift. We snapped pretty regularly throughout that day too.
Fast forward to about 7 at night. Fed up with all this confusion going on I finnally ask her. What are we? Well turns out, I assume before we fucked, she broke up with her boyfriend. She then had begun talking to an old friend of her. Aclaiming she was into me but the whole coworker releationship couldnt work and she knew her friend more than me. Furthermore she beat herself saying she was too awkward and was certain she would ruin us. I rebuttled saying I liked her for who she was. Even though I was pissed, I still had a heart for her. If she wanted space then so be it. Since then we talk but only briefly. Even our snapchats are slow and short.
About a week later i find myself at alittle kickback. All of us feeling pretty intoxicated. She hits me up, asking if there any shindigs going on that night. I tell her about where I'm at and offer her to come over. Unfortunately the host didnt allow her to come over, using thr excuse we had too many over as is. Just the next day we both find ourselves chatting before she leaves from work. I ask if she was doing anything later that night, she refrains at first saying 'nothing'. But moments later says theres a party she was going to and wouldnt have minded if I came along. Now this invovled me not being pushy what so ever. I tell her to message me the address before she leaves because sure enough my phone was about to die mid shift. Later that night I race home to get dressed and have my phone charge to find out about 30mins before I left she messaged me saying that the party had died of and they werent inviting anyone else over. That had been the last time we gave eachother an opportunity to meet outside of work.
In conclusion I realized my mistakes. A lack of communication can really fuck things up. I still want to believe we can become a thing. But i fear that im not in her perceived future. Which is okay but sucks. Excuse this nosebleed of a story, literature was not my best subject in school. Open for constructive criticism on both my writing and situation. I lowkey hope she reads this but im not sure how this would go over for her. Thanks for reading through my tradegy.
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self.depression
|
I don't have the effort anymore I'm 16 (ha ha, yeah, so it's just a phase -.-) and for a few years I've been slowing down in my schoolwork. I started to realise that regardless of if I did homework, class work even, everything still kept going. The world didn't end. So... I stopped seeing the point.
Now I'm at the age where I'm meant to be getting qualifications to get into university someday. I know my future is going to suck if I don't do something, but I also know that even if I do nothing life still goes on. And at the end of it all, I'll still die. Get a good job? Get no job? I still die at the end.
The difference is there's less effort if I fail.
So I've been taking more and more days off. Putting off schoolwork. I just missed and entire week of school. I tried to spend today doing homework but I'd just stare at the blank page - and no matter what I'd tell myself I couldn't write. Couldn't do anything.
Because there is no point.
I should drop out but I can't. My parents expect too much for me. I keep crying and crying about being so lazy but nothing is changing.
Just wanted somebody to know I guess. I don't know if I'm depressed. I'm meant to be seeing a councillor soon but I don't think it'll help.
|
self.depression
|
I've been left alone. I've destroyed my social life. Family is financially very unstable. As I grew up, I became more aware how much we were suffering ( still are).
The events that I had to go through while growing up had a big impact on my mental and physical health.
I don't really eat properly and keep myself isolated.
All my 'friends' are from rich and upper middle class families so this in a way created a barrier between us.
I never opened to any single one of them.
Even my closest of closest friends.....People I had been friends for 9 years.
I hung around with them for years in school and college but I didn't go out with them a lot for parties and dinners( in fact i went for a dinner with them only once in 6-9months) as I didn't really have any money to spend.
College got over and I stopped seeing them everyday.
Things took a turn from the bad to the worst and my family really really really started living at the edge.... Just barely surviving.
Things were really really bad and got worse when you couldn't think that they could get any worse.
And while all of this was happening with me, my college ' friends' were hanging out with each other, partying and getting out for lunch almost everyday.
They kept on telling me to come and meet them but I couldn't and I didn't want to tell them about my situation.
This went on for months and eventually all of them stopped talking to me.
I guess they got busy with their higher studies but ALL of them stopped talking to me.
No one called me or sent me a text for MONTHS ( except one guy).
I did the same.... Didn't call/ message anyone ENTIRELY for the reason that I was depressed and suicidal.
Recently I started living a more ' positive' life.
I found myself something to pursue as a career and being busy made me feel better...
I got back in touch with a few of my friends and they didn't really talk to me ...... I texted them and one of them replied with a "no tooo busy" and the others joked about me being unsuccessful...
Knowing that I've destroyed my relationships makes me feel even worse.
No one texts me or even wishes me on my birthday.
I remember that one night I decided to meet them up ( it was the night before my birthday)..... We hung out till 12am and no one wished me or remembered.
I felt anonymous and didn't know what to say to anyone.
The next evening one of them reminded everyone and even after that only 2 people wished me.......
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Delusion or arrogance? Ok first off, I'm going to apologize in advance because this post is going to make me sound like a jerk.
I am recently diagnosed and my psychiatrist has been helping me understand the symptoms of mania and hypomania. Recently we talked about "feeling like you are better than other people."
I would never say this outside of therapy, treatment, and mental health conversations... but my immediate reaction was to say "what if I just know I'm smarter than most people?"
Why? I got a full scholarship for my master's degree and graduated in the top 10% of my class. Every standardized test and IQ test I've ever taken places me in the 98th percentile or higher. All of this while living with undiagnosed bipolar disorder.
I also produce better work than any of my co-workers who are not at the top level of management and have been told this by my boss. Family and friends have always come to me to explain things they don't understand. I don't think this makes me better than anyone, I just think it's true.
Does this make me delusional or just arrogant?
|
self.bipolar
|
Anyone else get this feeling? Anyone else ever feel like there's screaming going on in their head but there are no voices. Just kinda feels like constant screaming and it just highly overwhelming.
|
self.depression
|
Been unemployed and depressed. I graduated college and decided to stay another semester to finish a degree in mathematics. At the same time, I was working on a startup, and slowly I starting sleeping less and smoking more cigarettes. I think I was in a manic state and went into a stopped ambulance because I was feeling dizzy and vomiting while trying to get home. I was paranoid of recruiters and such for a while.
I was admitted into the trauma ward and was given zyprexa a few weeks later and was told that I was bipolar. I had headaches for weeks while in isolation, and once I was better I was put into a psychiatric ward. I was given trazadone and escalitopram by my psychiatrist as part of outpatient care. I stopped taking those meds because I felt like a zombie. Now I don't have a job and well feel worthless without one. I sit in bed most of the day, don't do jack. Feel discouraged from applying to jobs on LinkedIn.
I called my therapist's office and they closed my case because I kept missing appointments. They said that they could contact my social worker and reopen my case. I am scared of taking psych meds again, but I do feel depressed every day.
What can I do daily to keep myself from feeling this way? How do I fix my sleep schedule? Does depression get better? How can I make a leap in my career with my degree feeling worthless? How do I occupy my mind from all the negative thoughts?
|
self.depression
|
Feeling Weird About Being An 18 y/o Millionaire Trust Fund Kid [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Terrible anxeity about upcominf family vacation I'm currently experiencing terrible anxiety from thinking about a family vacation this coming week. My mom is a big trigger for panic attacks for me I don't live with her anymore because I'm older but anytime I'm with her she causes me to have terrible panic attacks. I'm supposed to go on a 5 hour road trip with her and 3 other family members this week. I'm already terrified of the panic attacks I'll be experiencing the 48 hours we'll be on the trip. I hate long car rides and I hate being in a car with multiple people. I don't know what to do not going isn't an option I've already tried we're going with some older family members and it could be the last family vacation for a very long time. I'm so afraid of how bad it's going to be I don't know what to do. I appreciate all of you on this subreddit for making me feel better thank you for any replies.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m seeing a therapist for the first time ever in 24 hours and I’m terrified [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My (lack of a) love life keeps dragging me down Honestly, my life is going pretty well. I'm doing well in school, I like my choice of major, I have lots of great friends, I'm in pretty good shape, I'm getting a solid start to my career, basically everything's fine and I feel good about those things. But sometimes it just doesn't feel like any of that matters, because all I really feel like I care about is having a relationship.
Now, I'm nearly 20 and never been in any sort of relationship, or really even been close, never done the whole "talking" thing. I know why: I'm pretty socially awkward and am really terrible at interacting with new people I don't know. Additionally, as a Computer Science major, I don't exactly have a steady stream of girls coming into my life (I've barely even crushed on anybody since coming to college, since I just don't really meet all that many people to crush *on*). Also got pretty shitty self-esteem. I tried doing the whole "fake it til you make it" thing in regards to confidence, but I think it just turned me into a bit of an asshole. Probably doing it wrong.
I try to put these issues aside, because ultimately I think dwelling on this kind of thing will do much more harm than help. But it's hard, I'm just so lonely and starved for affection that this problem tends to dominate my mind. It's gotten so much worse lately, for reasons I cannot divine. I have this really terrible habit of reading (positive) relationship posts on reddit because it kind of fills the void in a way, gives me that butterflies-in-stomach feeling that I don't ever really get in real life.
Anyways, I don't know what the point of this post was. I just need to do something other than write this fucking paper due next week.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm SICK of "stop comparing yourself to your friends" [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Sent nudes. I’m a guy, and I used to “date” girls on the internet that I met on omegle. Before that, I just asked random girls for nudes on omegle. For those of you who don’t know, “omegle” is a chat site where you talk to random people. I sexted like a lot of teens my age do, because I was lonely, and seeking approval. I’m afraid this will come back to me. My face wasnt in any of the photos I sent, but some people knew who I was. I regret everything I did now and feel immensely guilty and I feel like I’ve ruined my life. I understand what I did was wrong, and I’ve been extremely depressed about it since all that happened. Any help would be appreciated.
|
self.depression
|
i need a little hope. please tell me its going to b ok
|
self.Anxiety
|
"You should get some help" I assume others have heard this and the response is...no. Just no.
You think therapists are going to help me? They'll give you the good ol' semantic bull, which is "You have so much to live for".
Edit, I'm not discouraging visiting and having sessions with therapists, but I just find this specific line to be irritating as hell.
|
self.depression
|
Late at night when I'm really tired is the worst. Makes me question my entire life when I'm pretty content during the day... The worst part is that my favorite music depresses me since I so strongly associate it with my darkest periods. Annoying.
|
self.depression
|
Guy sent self harm images, and it’s really fucking with me. So this guy I’m dating is having a really tough time. He text me last night basically telling me to run, because he was a lost cause and I deserved better etc. He then sent me a picture of his self harm, and fucking hell i can’t get it out of my mind. Like, I’m not disgusted, I’m jealous. So fucking jealous.. I’m really worried that I’m gonna fuck my self up this time, for good. But I just can’t get it out of my mind..
Someone distract me please, I can’t stop thinking about it...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My dog saved my life I was all ready to go. I had notes written to all my family and friends. i had taken care of all my financial matters. All my passwords were written out in case somebody needed to access something online. I was ready to go. All I had to do was go in the garage, close the door, and start the car. I just had one more person to say goodbye to. My dog, Monty. Sobbing like a baby, I told him I would not be around much longer and to be good for my parents and sisters. And he just looked at me. With those big brown eyes, his tail with a little splotch of white on the end wagging, I could tell he wouldn't understand, that he couldn't understand. The people in my life? they would at least understand. They may not like it. But they would understand. Monty, though? he wouldn't. He would just sniff around the house, wondering where his master went, if i was going to feed him soon or walk him. And looking at him, knowing how much he trusts me how much he loves me, I couldn't do it. I went upstairs, I burned the notes, I did as much as I could to erase what I was planning on doing. I'm going to tell my therapist what I did when I see her on Friday. I don't care if it means hospital time, or whatever. I just. I couldn't do that to him. I love him too much.
|
self.depression
|
Even after medicine, I'm still depressed. I know I'll never find love... 16 year old here. Life is pointless, and only causes me pain. I want to die so bad, but i cant because my sister would be sad. My friends barely talk to me after homeschooling, and no girls like me. Im too geeky and ugly. And net neutrality is going away, meaning I won't be able to distract myself with videos and games. I've lost any religion or spirituality, and I feel dead inside. I've lost motivation even to do what I love, and I want nothing for Christmas. None of it matters anyway. The only people that love me are those obligated to do so...
|
self.depression
|
I can't find passion in life I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I'm not sure of all the causes for my depression and I know there are many but a big contributor is that my life has no passion. I'm in college which just feels like a chore I'm being forced to do since I'm not passionate about my classes. In addition I don't really have a passion outside of school. I have hobbies that I like but nothing like the passion I have seen in some of my friends who are all trying to start their lives. Everyone tells me the same thing that I just need to keep looking and I'll find something eventually. I try new things as much as I can but the stress of supporting myself and doing well in school makes it really difficult.
|
self.depression
|
Sometimes I know that I am doing something that will make my depression worse but I just can't stop! Over eating
not making plans with friends
ETC ETC
|
self.depression
|
I Lost The Best Part of My Life 12/30/17. My fiancé returned home after recovering our lost dog from her hometown. She lost her and it was a week before we heard news. I was so happy our puppy was back. I hugged my future wife and told her she could "let go of the piled up stress." And fuck...she did. She told me she wanted it our relationship to end. Four years. Over and done. I went numb. I couldn't sleep for two days. The third day I took my shitty paycheck and started a bar binge. Drink enough to sleep then repeat. On the fifth day I moved out. Decided to leave with my parents instead of my friends. Continued drinking at bars til I hit a $0 balance. So two weeks of it.
I wondered what I did wrong. Admittedly, I have some severe slips into depression. When we met I had just gotten an assessment from the local doctor. High risk for self harm, instant prescriptions. I felt like a pilot who left the plane on auto. Then I met her and realized I could start fun times but not finish... so I dumped it all out. Never went to therapy again. I was happy.
Year later we moved in together, and I asked her to marry me. In hindsight this was too early, but I was 26 and ready to start a family. A happy one full of love and all that Disney type feelings. Well, I was still at the same dead end job, student loans started to come into repayment, and our apartment was not in a good place(ghetto as hell but at least multicultural). I raged out one day at work and quit. Spent a month unemployed and met my old friend again. my shadow who knows I'm worthless. I pushed though. Got a well paying job. I was barely good at it, but money. It was fine, until her work hours changed. She was promoted and now worked opposite hours. My shadow was back and light wasn't around. I ended up leaving that job in hopes of finding one with a better schedule. It wasn't a fast process.
Two months of watching her take the full burden while I searched for a job to pay for everything in our future. I dint find that job. Instead I found a shit restaurant to work at so at least I could help pay for my share. I hated myself for putting her through that. I considered a insurance scam suicide so I could leave her with more than my shit ass could provide. But I wanted to still be with her.
I worked at that job for awhile making no savings, switched two more times with shorter stints of unemployment. Then decided to apply to a tech program in summer. I had loans queued and asked family for help to start. Put in my notice because school and work didn't schedule well. And all my plans fell through the day I quit, the day before class. My loan fell through. My folks suffered a setback where I could no longer ask and I just screwed myself in halfassed optimism.
I became more depressed. I didn't want to go out as she would end up covering me. I applied at around 50 places with my unfinished bachelors resume and crap service jobs. I gained weight despite having no appetite. I hated me.
Her father died that fall. I made sure to be there. I sold blood and things I owned to meet her as she went to stay with her family for the week. I made myself be in the right mind to care for her.
A few weeks later I had a new job. Then I found a government program to finish my degree. A month later I had to jobs, one of which can count as experience towards a career I want.
But it was too late. During the holidays I could see her close off to me. Over the year she had been spending increasingly more time talking to her "friend" in group texts. The same Dr she began dating two weeks after I moved out.
I blame myself for everything. I hate slipping into feelings of disgust at myself and I hate not seeing or hearing from her. I'm furious she moved on and lying to myself that it was only after. I hate me
|
self.depression
|
Thx mom Thank you for showing me old videos of me before I've had depression, now I feel more like shit and remember myself that I'll never be like that anymore.... so yeah, thx a lot mom...
|
self.depression
|
No matter what happens in my life I always end back in the same place I don't even know what to say here. I just feel so broken and alone. No matter how hard I try and how external things in my life change, I am still the same broken person. No matter how many medicines or years in therapy, I don't get better. I come back to the same place mentally and end up burning all my bridges and ruining everything. I can't keep doing it. It's never going to stop. It's just going to cycle back again and again and again. I'm not going to get better. I'm just to broken for it. I'm in a position where I can't stop everything going around me, but I can't keep up with it. I just want to die, but I just don't have the courage to do it myself.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Obnoxious people in group therapy I’m doing an 8 week bipolar/stress management program. It’s the first group I’ve ever attended despite having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 7-8 years now. I’m getting a lot out of it and I mostly enjoy the group format... except for that. One. Fucking. Guy.
He’s racist, he’s obnoxious, he overshares, he tries to work in how much money he has into every conversation, and he just won’t shut the fuck up. Tonight he “shared” his biggest trigger, which was having so much money he has to talk to the bank a lot and he hates it when he has to speak to stupid people in call centers he can’t understand. He has to talk to the bank all the time because he has sooooo much money - like SEVEN FIGURES - and its soooooooo hard. He doesn’t attend every group, but he’s irritated me since the first time I met him - I’m legitimately pleased when he’s not in the group! Tonight I wanted to walk out!
There’s a diverse mix of people at various stages of illness that attend and I get along with them just fine, I just can’t stand this asshole. Thank fuck there’s only one session left.
How about you guys, any group horror stories?
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm lacking motivation I spend all day distracting myself from the thought of death. I've spent decades wanting to die and looking for ways to just make it through the day. Well, now I can usually distract myself until I pass out but I can't DO anything or so to think because the depression takes over. Anyone have some tips or tricks to help out?
|
self.depression
|
I don't think I'm gonna graduate. I can't leave my friends. I might die without them. My life has been spiraling since 8th grade. I don't think I wanna do this anymore. I can't.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m done... I’m done being the one who answers right away.
I’m done being the one to ask “how is your day”.
I’m done being the one to give a fuck.
I’m done blaming it on my bad luck.
I’m done trying.
I’m done crying.
I’m done.
I’m done.
|
self.depression
|
I'm (18/F). My ex-boyfriend (20/M) might kill himself because of me. Please give me your most honest opinion on my situation, thank you so so much! i can't trust my friends and family's judgement since they're thinking for me and it is biased, i need to get some outsiders' opinions. i hope you'll be able to give me your honest opinion on my dilemma. this is going to be really long, i apologize, my thoughts are extremely scattered atm.
my ex-boyfriend was and is very suicidal. we knew each other before, we played in the same band but didn't know a lot ab each other. we only started becoming close friends when he left to canada to study. he was gonna kill himself in canada, and back then, i managed to convince him to wait until he comes back and i'll try and help him. we started dating when he came back, i thought i was in love and i could help him somehow but as time passes, i fell out of love with him and was just emotionally drained in general. i still care about him, so we kept talking after we broke up, maybe that wasn't a good idea since he is in love with me and i'm giving him some kind of hope. i just wanted to be friends with him, but he kept saying we can't be friends, so eventually i just gave up and we got back tgt again (i asked him out), i thought i could just try to love him since he's a nice person deep down and we get along (i thought it might made him happier, have something to look forward to, i don't know..), he has said many times that if it wasn't for me he would have killed himself. he said he has nothing to lose anyways so he accepted my offer.
that didn't work out, i broke it off with him again a few months in when he went back to canada (part of it was because i can't do long distance relationship too). and again we still maintained contact because i don't want him to kill himself, and he's got no one other than me, literally. he loves his mom but because they're so different, they always fight about everything. he doesn't talk to his dad and brother. his best friend blocked him, he doesn't maintain contact with any of his former high school friends, and he says he doesn't trust anyone (but me) nor rly consider anyone his friend. he had stopped going to university completely and just stay at home without talking to anyone but me online. we had mutual friends but when i see them and asked if they still talk to him, they said no, because he was too negative, they all said they're living a happier life without contacting him, which i find horrible at the time and felt very angry... but, i turned out to be the same.
these few days we've been constantly having small arguments, he says he can't trust me anymore and he feels like i'm toying him, he says i'm distancing myself (which i guess i was since i don't want him to like me or for him to get the wrong idea while still keeping contact with him), he told me i don't understand the fact that he wants to kill himself everyday. i felt so awful, i didn't know what to do. i told him he really need to get professional help, therapists payed thousands of dollars to study years in schools just to be able to work with people and i'm happy to help him with the process, but he refuses to, he says the only person he wants to talk to is me and he can't trust a stranger. he says he feels like i betrayed and abandoned him since i've said all those things while we were dating like i'll be there for him and now i can't keep my promises. which he is right. i shouldn't have said those things so lightly. i know that's extremely selfish of me but i have no romantic feelings for him anymore. after those arguments, we spent a few days thinking and i've come to think that i definitely do not want him to kill himself, and he haven't got anyone else but me, so i texted him and told him what i thought, he said he can't live without me, so we agreed to keep contact, and i said i'll try to stop distancing myself, and be as natural and "normal" as possible.
it was alright for a few days, but then yesterday i followed a guy i used to like on instagram which is also a person that he despises, and he talked to me about him before. it pissed him off that i disregard all the bad things about he had told me about the guy i used to like that at the time i acknowledged and listened to him, but now i prove to him that i lied to him since i still want to follow the other guy. that sets me off too and i had a rage saying that i'm sick of him analyzing every single thing i do, i'm sick of him stalking me on every social media (he admitted that he does that), that i can do whatever i want, and it's none of his business, in anger i just said i don't want to contact him anymore because i'm spent and i have no feelings for him anymore and nothing matters. after fighting for a while and everything sort of were settling down i was telling him i'm a rotten person deep down and just because he thinks i'm better than the rest i'm really not, and i suggest him blaming me for making everything worse than it should've been (because i truly believe so, i deeply regret what i've done to him, and my mindset that what i was doing was the best was fucked up), only to leave him in the end like everyone else, he says he knows all of those bad things ab me and he still think i'm less rotten than them, then he finally says alright, thank you for giving me the feeling of hope, etc. and blocked me right away.
it's been a day from that now and even though i don't love him anymore, i can't stop thinking about if what i did was the right thing or not, what if he kills himself and i was the one capable of stopping it but i'm just too selfish to just try conversing with him for a while until he can come back home. right now i still can't believe i actually said that, i've always thought about stop contacting him one day but never thought that i would actually do it. i left him when he needs me the most... but at the same time i have no feelings for him anymore. i was thinking of going to his house (his parent's house here, not in canada) and actually telling his mom about his condition, maybe she'll listen, he wouldn't want me doing that, but even if i don't talk to him anymore i don't want him to die and maybe she could do something about it. anyways that's besides the point. i'm sorry that this is extremely long, my thoughts are all over the place. do you think what i did was wrong? please tell me if it really is, i really, really need to know, because this will be the biggest mistake i'll ever make if what i did is truly not the brightest, i know i am extremely selfish but i could've tried harder... personally, i can't trust my own judgement but this heavy, heavy guilt i'm feeling must say something. thank you for taking out the time to read this. have a great day.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Trapped inside my ugly body. (w/21) Hey everyone,
before writing this text I already feel like a shallow and bad person, and I know I am. I guess I'm just looking for someone who feels the same as me so that I don't feel quite alone with this issue. Being forced to live in this unattractive body makes me feel desperate to the point where I get daily anxiety attacks when I look at myself in the mirror. I quit studying bc of it. I couldn't stand seeing all these attractive girls around me as ridiculous as it sounds. It took away my motivation to keep going. You may think it's a sign of body dysmorphia but actually it's not. Due to the excess of male hormones in my body bc of Pcos I tend to have broad shoulders, a large ribcage, a long torso/short legs combination and my overall face structure looks not very feminine. So you could basically say I'm not fully biologically attractive. That being said, I'm not completely unattractive, if people would rate me, I'd be probably a 6, average. Of course they are more people in this world who are way more unattractive than me when it comes to biological attractiveness. But they either have the strength to live with it or they just don't care. Unfortunately my personality isn't like that, it is impossible for me to do that. Just by walking the most normal thing to do, I can feel my broad shoulders sticking out my body and my shorts legs that make me look odd and my mind can't let go of this. Whenever I see incredibly beautiful women either on hip hop music videos or just some VS Fashion Show it makes me wanna kill myself. I think a lot about suicide as my only option but I'm still far way from the step to do it. The thought of not existing anymore scares me in a way. Tbh, I fuckin' love the world I was born in. The right time and the right place. With the technology, all the good music.. There are so many things that I will miss when I'm gone. But I know I won't enjoy these things as long as I won't accept myself. And THIS will never happen. I've tried everything out to get to this point of self-love. I had several hobbies that really made me happy and caused me to learn more about myself but in reality it never distracted me from my thoughts of being unattractive. I think these thoughts are deeply wired in my brain, like an instinct I can't get rid of. The other thing I always think about is how my life would look like if I would've taken Diane 35 (a strong BCP) at the start of puberty and not just at the beginning of my early twenties. I wouldn't look nearly as unattractive as I am know. I would look more like my 12-year old self that was an insanely beautiful girl with soft facial features and a balanced body structure. But well, at this young age I knew shit about what would expect me. How I wish I could travel back in time to this date and change it. But life's a bitch and I have no other option right now. In 2018 I will have the strength to do it. I can't live everyday balling my eyes out, getting headaches to the point where I become unconscious bc my thoughts are overwhelming me. I strongly believe in the saying that some people aren't just made for living in this world bc their brains are wired in a different way.
To everyone that got to this point, thank you so much for taking your precious time to read this chunk of letters.
I do appreciate it. Xx
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Suicidal thought buildup I get regularly depressed; it's been that way for a really long time. And until this past few months I've managed to keep it under control. I pushed myself out of bed, showered, went to class, swam as a workout, etc. I graduated last summer and moved in with my girlfriend (she's wonderful).
But, as of now I have had a lot of job submissions and interviews but have landed nothing. As everyone is aware, living is expensive, and I've seen my bank account just chip away as I look around for employment. I can barely afford the basics for my girlfriend and myself. And those old thoughts, those deep dark *sad* thoughts, have caught up with me. Those thoughts that *you're worthless* or *you can't do anything right*, creep up on me even when I'm doing fine.
Simple critiques of me just have devastating effects: I lose my sense of hunger, I don't sleep; thinking of what I did wrong, my everyday motivation and creativity just evaporate. Then those feelings make me less social and more irritable and then I realize I'm not treating people as well as I should be... The cycle continues in this negative feedback loop.
And it's just accumulating to a point where I find myself thinking about killing myself on a regular basis. I know that ending my life will be a living nightmare for those that I love and care about. It will follow my parents, my brother, my girlfriend and her family, and my friends until they die.
But I just *can't* keep going on like this. I'm probably not giving my wonderful girlfriend the love she deserves. Right now all I feel is that deep gut hurt, the empty feeling that just sucks color away from life. I just need help. Maybe a little space and a soft cry will help. I honestly didn't think I would be showing my thoughts anywhere, especially on the internet. To whomever is reading this, thank you. I hope you are OK.
PS Just proofreading this helped me a little. I'm still in a lot of pain, but I'm surprised just how much typing my thoughts cleared my mind a little.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A 4.6 rating out of 5 is considered failing on Lyft I must be permanently getting 4.6s and below socially because no matter how much I do right, it's not good enough.
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self.depression
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I don’t know I don’t think I’m going to kill myself but I don’t know, it feels like the right thing and it’s all I want, I don’t wanna get better
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self.SuicideWatch
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Family feels like an obstacle for an OK life 23 year old and unfortunately nearly a week after another vent appointment with my psychologist all the work unravels back to square one. I have a feeling home is the main cause for my anger.
Truth is I just live for myself. Sure I still live with them but I'm not sure if they're even putting food on the table for me. So that might have been my undoing, since I buy my own lunches and sometimes groceries for myself, but they're like bad housemates. Just shut up & leave me alone ffs, Im lucky to get a couple hundred of bucks from casual jobs where I just feel like Im unemployed during the day (Arts grad from last year).
It's ruined any ability I might have had to get any relationships formed, romantic or not. I swear they always want something from me, but it's like they dont know Im basically independent these days. Im not close, but I don't care if they act kinda cringey (hate that word) & annoying like my sister. Or even bring up shit I'm not interested in. Put it this way, they're not the kind of people I'd want in my life.
Too bad I'm poor resourcefully, since post grad job hunting sucks - can't even afford to move out. A unit on my own is fine, but I don't know who is friends with me these days. My mental health is deteriorating yet Ive tried to hide it...I ain't compromising, they haven't got the answers I want in my life for now.
Sent from my bed, hiding from everyone as much as I can. I feel like a salty POS but at the same time my brain feels like there's set glue in it & as a result my emotions are a bit faded.
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self.offmychest
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Looking forward to dying That’s basically it. I’m not really suicidal, I have no desire to kill myself, I just am tired of being alive. I have no motivation to leave bed or will to go to work. I just am happy that one day it’ll be over.
If I may quote Tom Segura’s stand up: “Seriously, how many fucking days are there?”
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I’ll never get over my FWB (reposted to new account). I posted this to another account, but I decided to move it to a new one to prevent people who know my account (the FWB lol) from seeing it, and I also wanted to keep it up instead of deleting it. I decided that him reading it would be a baaad idea.
He’s not dead or anything. We’re still friends and very close, and while he’ll have a special place in my heart, it hurts that he’ll never love me the way I do him.
You notice things about people when you’re intimate with them, and those little things add up to an amazing guy who deserves the world, and while I would love to be that girl to give him that, I will never be. He likes someone else too, and the kicker is that he can’t even have her.
I went into this relationship knowing it would be a FWB relationship, in fact, I was the one that started it. It’s just...I realized what a fantastic guy he is. I’m not experienced or at a point where I can hold a FWB relationship without getting emotionally attached, and I realize that. I wanted some semblance of a relationship, and while it worked fine for like a week, but it just devolved.
His reasons for ending it were good. Perfectly reasonable, and I even agreed it was a good idea. It just fucking sucks. A lot. I cried twice, and it felt very cathartic.
Initially, I felt very lost, and I still kind of do, but it’s getting better. My emotional state is bleeding into my reality, and I know the logical side of me is right, that I’ll be fine and find someone right for me, but my emotional side is so overwhelming and cumbersome.
We were just pretty compatible sexually, and even personality wise, but that’s probably delusion. Maybe not, maybe so. I’m self-aware to realize I’m delusional, which is good at least. I hope I find someone like that, no, I know I will. It felt like the world was ending at the time. Less so, but of course it’s a process. I just hate waiting for myself to get better haha. I feel like I should resolve it immediately, so I can go on with my life and stop being so preoccupied with this shit.
I wonder how he feels. Right now. I’m probably the only one who’s hurting, but maybe I’m being bitter, and I refuse to be bitter. I never will be.
I had a friend who made a joke about me sleeping around (I had slept with other guys before) and it’s normal for us, but it stung quite deeply. I’m thick-skinned, and his jokes have never bothered me, but I guess I just really liked this guy. It hurts because I really really liked this guy (using past tense to make it seem like I’m moving on, I guess).
I wish he could jut date me. Like it seems like an easy solution, but things are never that easy. I keep day dreaming of what could be, but I know I’m just giving myself unhealthy expectations no matter how I decide to rationalize it.
I’m making this post because talking about it helps, and I don’t want to constantly wear people down with my problems, even if they love me so much. So much so that my pain is almost their pain. I have talked about it, extensively too, but I can’t help but keep talking about it, at least for now.
This is so long and rambly, but if you took the time to read everything or comment, thank you.
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self.offmychest
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I hate myself more than I've ever hated anything [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Why am I this way?? I’m lost atm. This girl I’m really into wants me to go to Sadie’s with her, but I’m hesitant. I’m VERY introverted and have issues in big social situations where I start to over analyze everything I say and do to the point where I just shut down. I almost just stop functioning all together. I really want to spend time with her but I feel like I would ruin the whole night for her.. idk what to do...
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self.Anxiety
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Who do I call if there's a problem? (UK?) I just need some advice. I'm still waiting for my medication to start (next Friday) and I'm so depressed. I spent 3 days completely suicidal, dragged out of bed by my OH every day and looked after (he didn't attend work for a few days so he could keep an eye on me.) Now I'm not exactly suicidal today but I still feel pointless, worthless etc. If a lorry did happen to go over me I wouldn't be too concerned. I haven't really bathed or looked after myself in over a week, I haven't been keeping hydrated or feeding myself and although it sounds dramatic, I feel like I'm lying around waiting to die here. Easing my way to death.
Now the above is all contextual for this question, when exactly is the point you ask for help? And who do you ask? I don't think I need it just now, god knows I don't want to be a burden on anybody especially when there's a million people feeling worse than me. Would I speak to my GP? Or call the mental health hospital I'm with? Tia.
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self.bipolar
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I've been depressed for 3 years. I can't even remember what it's like not to be.
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self.depression
|
I need some purpose, something to live for larger than myself I'm tired of wage slavery, individualism, materialism but it's all we have today
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self.depression
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