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Answers? I'm new here (24, F). I've always crept on reddit for good reads about various things. It was this subreddit that got me to finally make an account. Like many, I identified as an anxious person for as long as I can remember. I was in a four year relationship up until this past August in which I was depressed more often than not, or at least on the verge of depression. There were many days I couldn't leave my bed and had no motivation to do anything. My ex boyfriend struggled with alcoholism and the denial of it, he was an angry drinker and damaged my self-concept pretty profoundly. When I finally was strong enough to get out of the situation, I was sleeping in my car till I found a new place to live in September, then I had no money because I poured it all into the move, I couldn't buy food some days as all my dollars went into my gas tank to get to work and school. In September I also started a new job in addition to my other one, I started my clinical psychology doctoral program, and an internship. I was reunited with friends from middle/highschool after my breakup who many I hadn't seen since before my undergrad career and my crappy relationship. I found myself going out every single night but still maintaining everything else in my life because I seemed to not need sleep like my peers. I engaged in risky behavior much more than ever before (excessive drinking, though I handle my liquor well, as well as unsafe sex, reckless driving, impulsive spending (particularly on travel and basically anything I wanted), etc.) I have the hardest time going home alone and often don't. After only being with two people before this breakup, I've now been with 6 more, men and woman, and its only been almost 6 months. When I have sex it's usually multiple times at night and then in the morning with the person. I still meet with more than one of these people to do so. Between sex and alcohol and no sleep, I was starting to surprise myself with who I was becoming. As a student in the field of psychology and with experience working with others, I naturally started looking at my new behaviors and the almost "high" or "stimulated" feelings I'd have for days at a time. I seemed to have a newfound confidence and could appear to some as downright arrogant I feel, which is strange because I normally feel insecure and pretty self loathing after my bad relationships. It was almost like I was overcompensating to the highest degree, and I felt like I could accomplish anything, and it seemed these episodes helped me do so. I began researching bipolar but realized it wasn't that severe, and then I was looking into cyclothymia. Seeing as I do study at a school that is full of actual psychologists, I contacted my adviser about my thoughts and went to meet with him to get to the bottom of my behaviors and if it was something to be concerned about. He confirmed that I had hypomanic episodes followed by periods of, not depression, but low periods that seemed much more intense after coming down from them. This resonated with me, and he also identified my feelings of insecurity and emptiness that I'd get frequently after an episode. I did not get a diagnosis because it was apparent that instead of hindering my everyday functioning, it seems to benefit me to not need sleep and I won't deny it, I love the hypomanic episodes (not so much coming down from them though). I have missed days of work/class because of these times, but not enough to cause concern I'd think. I just needed to get my story off my chest because there's not many people I can open up to about it, one person I did already stopped talking to me because I used to seem so much more "positive" and "driven" and he doesn't approve of my impulsive behaviors. This was upsetting, but I feel like he was overreacting. What are your negative repercussions like in your relationships? Do you care? Do you think they interpret your behaviors inaccurately or is it us that does so? Will this condition get worse as I continue to welcome the episodes (i.e. by not getting sleep, engaging in impulsive behavior willingly, enjoying it, even)? How did you come to realize your hypomania/mania? What would you consider to be the point at which it is effecting my life negatively enough to seek an actual diagnosis? Are these dumb questions? If you actually made it to this point, you deserve a medal. | self.bipolar |
Scared I’m afraid that I’m going to end up actually doing it. I’m tired of trying. I do so many reckless things in hope that it will result in me dying. The only songs I like now are ones about dying. I just wanna be done. I know I’m gonna do something bad. I’m just tired or being held back. I try so hard with therapy and medications but they do nothing. I’ve dealt with this for my entire life. Diagnosed in 2nd grade with depression so yeah my entire life I can remember.
I’m done | self.SuicideWatch |
Pushing away any compliments in my head out of shame [deleted] | self.depression |
I was such a happy kid I feel like I've betrayed my past self by being so tired, withdrawn and sad when I used to be the exact opposite. I haven't been me for so long I've forgotten who I am.
I also used to get straight As and now uni is starting soon and I just don't have any determination or drive because I know I'll probably kms after my parents are dead. I'm probably going to go through uni anyway, with no real reason except so I can say I'm doing something. | self.depression |
to coffee or not to coffee? I read that coffee is bad to anxiety, and I'm really a bit addicted. I think that if I stopped in two weeks I would control my addiction. But coffee is something that I like, isn't the addiction. So I think I would lose some part of my fun if I stop.
Is possible to drink less, but is this possible? I think that if I try to drink less I would be anxious because of the caffeine addiction. What do you think? | self.Anxiety |
I am having suicidal thoughts every day and can't go to therapy until January or Fabruary It's being too much. A breakup, problems at work, trying to find a flat after being rejected by my former flatmate, and no friends in this city. I and depressed and now I understand I really need help but I can't go to therapy right now. The only thing I have by this moment are reddit and pills, but I know lorazapam can be another problem to deal with in future if I take to much of it. I don't know what to to. The only person I have in this city is my ex and I know I can't ask him for help. I don't know. I can't stand anymore to cry everyday even in public | self.SuicideWatch |
I think I've got rock bottom. I'm a pleasure seeking nothing. Smoke weed all the time and it makes me hate myself. Potentially ruined the best relationship ever although I don't know if I was just addicted.
I came back home for the holidays with my girlfriend and she was here for 24 hours before I took her back to the airport to go back home because I wasn't sure if I love her or not. I hurt her more than I've hurt anyone. She kept trying to help me but I wore her down. I am not willing to love myself and I feel like my mission is to make everyone miserable. How do I love myself. How do I make the effort. Please help. I don't know who I'm talking to out there but I can stop crying. I'm so scared and alone. The future holds absolutely no value to me. I don't think I'd ever end my life but I am also so scared to help myself. I want to show her that I can. I want things to be like they were before. I don't know which part of me is real and which is not.
Please. Someone help. I need self love | self.depression |
Never, under ANY circumstances admit to any drug/alcohol use to any medical professional [removed] | self.depression |
Saw an old “best friend” today at the shopping centre and instead of saying hi, I pretended not to see her. Seeing her brought back too many unresolved feelings. She was my best friend for over 7 years. We were joined at the hip. Back then, I saw her like a sister. Everything changed when she started seeing her (now ex) boyfriend. I was initially happy for her but then I noticed that their relationship was moving very fast. Once they started living together, suddenly she had no time for me...and we live 5 minutes from each other. The hang outs, phone calls and text messages just dwindled until they ceased to exist. I was sick of being the one to always put in the effort so I decided to stop...and we haven’t spoken since. I brought up the fact that we weren’t hanging out/talking as much a few times and she would acknowledge it but wouldn’t do anything to fix it. I regret letting it drag on for as long as it did. I should’ve had more respect for myself.
I really resent the fact that she let her boyfriend come between us. We made a promise to each other that we would never let a guy come between us. I guess I held up my end of the bargain and she didn’t. I have a boyfriend too and I haven’t ditched friends for him. It honestly took me about a year to get over her. I spiralled into dangerous levels of depression over it and seeing how easy it was for her to push me away was the most painful part. I had to unfollow her on Facebook because seeing all her relationship posts was too hurtful. Recently I found out that her and that boyfriend broke up and she’s slowly been interacting with my social media posts again.
Today I saw her for the first time in about a year and a half. I was sitting in the food court eating my lunch and I see her walk past. She then comes and sits down at a table close to me. I don’t know if she saw me or not. I was debating whether to say hello to her but in the end it was just too uncomfortable. If she comes up to me in the future, I’ll be polite but I’ve decided to not to go out of my way for her. I’ve moved on, made better friends as a result and met my boyfriend. | self.offmychest |
My Mother said I'm ungrateful and wishes I was never born... Before I start my story, I want to say that I'm not suicidal in any way and wish I never will be, I was recommended this Reddit page by my friend to get help and I'm hoping I'm not breaking any rules.
The story starts off by me waiting for my mother to pick me up from school (Grade 11). She stops by a Walmart before she picks me up so I'm in a grumpy mood because I'm all alone waiting for my mother to pick me up. When she arrives, I tell her what took her so long and clearly she can tell I'm not happy by her actions. But then we go to the store before we arrive home to buy some meat and all goes well. After we arrive home, I go eat some left overs outside because of the nice weather and the nature looked beautiful . At the same time, I'm waiting for my friend to arrive so I can help fix his computer. After 3-4 four hours later after fixing my friends computer, he leaves and then I begin to do my homework (8 o'clock?). Later my Father arrives home and goes to take a shower, he's clearly drunk and is drunk most of the time when he comes home. My mother than calls me to her to room and calls me selfish, a terrible person, child, and wish that I was never born. She tells me these things because I was suppose to finish plowing the field in my backyard for the garden but I told her before hand that I couldn't today. She also tells me this because I didn't tell before hand that my friend would come over (definitely my fault, should of told her beforehand). Generally though, she doesn't get mad if a friend comes over which also blew my mind. After hearing this, I just stand there with my mouth open, feeling a sense of shock from hearing my own mother not wanting me to exist. I don't know how to react to this, even if this just from her anger and she doesn't mean it, I still feel broken and sad from hearing this. May I please get some comments that tell me how to fix this whole in my heart?
| self.SuicideWatch |
Goodbye people. On days like this I just would like someone to love me or even some friends, I have 0 people to talk to, NO friends. I've never been lucky at all, I even got bullied by girls in my previous school as-well, that's how pathetic I am as a male... I've always been the one kid left out. I hate me, everything single thing about me. Ugly, sort of fat, poor, stupid and worthless,
I'll never make anything out of myself.
I hope that I can be reborn as someone else, that's what I want. I'm going to end my life now... | self.depression |
I met with my ex again to resolve some things and he told me he never loved me. We broke up when he told me he didn't love me after I had to confront him about the way he was treating me. I knew he didn't love me anymore at the point of breaking up, and I then after the split slowly began to wonder if he ever did, and then three weeks after we split (last night) we met and he confirmed that he never did. It was two years.
I just feel like, worthless and stupid. I could tell that the feelings weren't 50/50 and I clearly cared more but it's blowing my mind that he just never loved me and didn't think to tell me that or do something about it for TWO FUCKING YEARS. It was serious. He said he was ready to settle down. We vaguely talked about what it'd be like to have kids together some day. At wedding's we'd jokingly talk about what ours would be like.
He'd go through periods of being cold and uncaring. He'd actually be with me the bare minimum amount he could get by and wouldn't talk or engage with me. He'd usually just come over and put on netflix or a game and not talk and then leave right when I was going to bed for some bs reason. Sometime's he'd see that I was sad and hurt and apologize and say he was just depressed and distracted and was sorry and that he'd do better. I'd try endlessly to reach out to him and be there but I never quite felt like he actually let me in. I just tried to understand that depression is a monster and doesn't define him but I was often very hurt and alone and would get sad. He called this me being too dependent and told me that I fall apart without him. I agreed and apologized and said I'd figure my anxiety out before letting it guilt trip him when it just made me soooooo crazy and think he didn't care about me.
Sex was hard. Half the time he'd just lose interest and quit. Or he'd just zone out and finish and then go to sleep. The very last time we had sex happened to be the only time he asked whether I finished or not. I chalked the disinterest up to depression and the cold demeanor after he came to just general sadness about life and the disinterest in my pleasure to some masculinity problem and i just needed to be more vocal. I felt crazy for wondering if he just wasn't interested in me because how dare I guilt someone for having a mental illness.
Welp two nights ago I got a late night message from him asking if I was there. I was asleep, but answered in the morning asking why he messaged me. He said he was stressed about money (we lived together and he had to find a new place right away) and needed someone to talk to. I told him I could be there for him if we talked through the bullshit so we met up.
I told him I knew I put blinders on and just ignored all the red flags. That's the part that I'll take responsibility for. I'm young and this is my first serious relationship so I'll give myself that, but still. I could have advocated for myself better and saved myself from this mess. Other than that, I was totally used and manipulated. He treated me like shit and admitted to it. He said he thought he loved me once and I told him infatuation with a "manic pixie dream girl" doesn't count. He talked about how stressed and depressed and hopeless he is and I wanted to say "that's nice." and push him out of my car. He asked me to not talk about what he did to other people, and said he didn't want me to be angry with him. He told me I should date/fuck other people now and even suggested a friend of mine specifically. i didn't know what to say.
I just want to take back all of myself that I poured into him to try and get him to open up to me. I wasted it. I want to crawl back into a cocoon of my own arms and just sleep. I don't ever want to date or fuck anyone again. No one I've ever been with has ever loved me and I don't know what's wrong with me. It's been either pedophiles when I was in my early teens, stupid cruel teenage boys only trying to fuck in my later teens, a predator who ended up raping me, and then this guy, who didn't see me as a person enough to realize how unfair that was and just leave me earlier. I'm so fed up and hopeless and I don't understand why people date.
**TL,DR** Ex and I dated for two years, he was cold and distant and made me feel crazy for being hurt because he was depressed and it was out of his control. Now he told me he never loved me and I'm hurt. | self.offmychest |
Anybody else dealing with depressive personality disorder? At the very moment my personality disorder is affecting me more than ever, and I'm just honestly just ready to end it all, not gonna lie. What is your guys' solutions to combating it? Thanks my dudes | self.depression |
WHATS GOOD WEDNESDAYS sorry its late. Whats going well for you? | self.bipolar |
Worst day I've had in a while So, I've been planning to take my remaining PTO and leave my job which I currently hate. It's been boring and poorly managed to the point that it's really taking a toll on my mental health (which isn't great to start with).
Then I get summoned and selected for jury duty. Which makes scheduling so much more complicated. Additionally, I've found the task of holding someone else's life in my hands REALLY stressful. I haven't been sleeping well; I've been wanting to binge eat. To top things off, apparently my boss didn't read the whole email I sent him, so he didn't know the duration of my leave (the email was 3 short sentences). He called my mother today.
I've already been feeling shitty, and this just makes things worse. I have to go in tomorrow, and I don't want to confront him or anyone else there. I just want to leave the company.
So yeah, this is the worst day I've had in a while. First time the voice in my head has said something like: 'just drink your sorrows away, the pain will numb', or 'yell at him tomorrow. verbal violence will feel good'. It almost feel like my body is asleep, and my brain is somewhere between a nightmare and an existential crisis.
Thanks your listening. I hope someone, idk, gets something out of this. | self.depression |
It's the first two hours of this year and I've been already told by my brothers and their GF's how bad of a person/big of a faggot I am. [deleted] | self.depression |
The Trouble I never dreamt it could have lasted this long. It feels like every moment the feelings abate are really only a brief reprieve, the returning torment tears into my psyche with even less remourse. The corruption grows ever inside me, sometimes sleeping only to awake at times it needs to destroy.
The point of trauma feels so far away in time, nearly four years. When the episodes occur, it only feels as it happened just seconds prior. I have no physical ailments, only desolation of the mind. I haven't found an environment for healing, and I don't think I ever will. Isolation is sporadically maddening, not knowing if I'm truly losing my sanity or just feeling the pangs of past wrongdoings. Social circumstances are not helpful to the source of pain, when the episodes occur, all others can sense the turmoil and recoil at the possibility of backlash from this force.
It is a malevolent manifestation of my reality. All manner of action: speech, observation, hearing, all the surroundings are contorted to keep me bound to its dark will. None can even attempt to wrest control of the power it wields, its strength is insurmountable. I'm but a prisoner to its will, the slightest misstep in my path through life it sees an opportunity to grow and infest more within the spirit.
I feel as undeserving to face a plight so dire. It only exists when it feels the possibility to arise. I feel as though an instrument or vessel of its ill conceit. I look into a mirror to see a fair face staring back, crystal blue eyes, a symmetry throughout; many smiles from others abound me in my days, and I feel yet obligated to receive this blessing. My looks yet deceive my emotion, for I know a disgusted figure is writhing within. I cannot tell what yet be unattractive to most: a physical flaw or a scarring of the soul that only seeks to rend into another. I won't let my fellow man that deserve peace be upended in their stable life by a force so reckless.
So I reserve myself, keeping this force of trauma at bay from others, while enduring the suffering of its imprisonment. If love could break its chains that bind itself to me and I to it; it has not yet been gifted from those that radiate beauty throughout, or even a divine power to ease my pain. Society has disillusioned me of the agony I face. I am aware of flaws of the human nature that are best left ignored. Faced against this foe forces my consciousness to the dark reality.
I only wish I had an answer or remedy to this trouble, I fear that none may be found. | self.depression |
Approaching the end I can't hold out much longer I really wish there is a reset button and I could just redo my life. I'm sorry for being a waste of space.
Ha who am I kidding I'll just almost do it or not do it well enough and post on here again in a couple weeks I'm such a piece of crap I'm not even able to kill myself. how pathetic can someone be? I just want to be happy that's it I don't need money, friends, power, sex, love,etc I just want to be happy how can I not be happy it's the one thing in the world I want and it's the one thing I cant seem to have.
I would continue but I don't want to hit the readers with too many words. Thanks for reading. | self.SuicideWatch |
I miss my best friend. I miss the laughs, fun, and talks we had. I don't know how we became this way and looking back on the way we both behaved, I'm sad.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a great New Year. I hope your life goes in the direction you wanted it to. I hope you heal from your past and begin to love yourself. I hope your life is filled with joy and happiness.
I just hope someday you'll be happy. Truly happy. | self.offmychest |
I don't feel sad. I don't feel happy. I don't feel anything at all. [deleted] | self.depression |
Barely Anybody Left Seven months have gone by, and even though I managed to make a friend or two, they've all disappeared now. Over a period of about two years all of my friends have slowly bled away. My ex took my last friend with her when we broke up, and then she pretended to be someone else just so she could keep speaking to me. Things don't make me happy like they used to. Nothing ever really made me that happy to begin with, or at least, not as far as I can remember. No matter what happened in my life, it only made me happy for a little bit. The feeling never stayed. Everything stresses me out too much. What if I fail my exam? What if the one person who currently speaks to me ghosts me like everyone else has?
I can't sleep at night, but I always wake up at 10:00 no matter what. After I wake up, I can't go back to sleep again. A lot of the day I'm on the verge of tears, but a lot of the time I can't cry. Not anymore, at least. The only way I can sleep at night is if I tell myself that I might not wake up tomorrow, and that all of this will be over. All of the fucking pain I feel every single day will be gone. But I wake up every morning, and I hate that I'm still here.
Almost daily, I would cut to try and feel calm again. It helped. The only person who knew was my then-girlfriend. She was the only person and still is the only person who I've been able to talk with about this. Nobody else would understand; not the people I used to speak with, and not the one friend I have right now. My family doesn't understand this either. They think it's just me "feeling sorry for myself." I'm "lazy" for not having the energy to get out of bed some mornings, and I'm "anti-social" for not being able to leave the house because I'm so sad sometimes. It's been just over seven months since I last cut; 15th May 2017. I don't know how much longer I can go. And I don't even feel any sense of accomplishment. I feel regret that I haven't cut. It feels like I've been pointlessly making myself suffer.
Nothing brings me joy. It's almost Christmas, but I'm not as excited as I was, for example, a year or two ago. I felt pretty shitty then, too, but it's gotten worse now. I don't want to do any of this. I don't want to be a productive member of society. I don't want to contribute. I don't want anything. I don't want to _exist_. I didn't ask for this. Some days I just want to commit suicide and be done with it. As soon as I start to feel even a little bit better, everything goes to shit again. I think about my ex and how much I fucking miss her, I think about how I'm never going to be a functional member of society, and I think about how much of a joke being alive is. I don't want to do this anymore, but I'm too afraid to kill myself. For now, anyway. Anyone I've spoken to hasn't understood why I feel this way. They either say it's not depression or that I just need to get out more. Pretty sure that's not what this is. They haven't done anything practical. I don't know why I feel this way but I don't want life anymore. I miss how things used to be, when I had friends and when things brought me a small amount of joy.
Why the hell am I still here, and when is it going to end? | self.depression |
Does anyone else just always feel left out? I feel this recurring feeling of being left out. I always find myself on social media seeing all my "friends" doing all sorts of fun stuff and I just don't seem to be invited to do any of it. Honestly, the only time people hang out with me is if I initiate the conversation. I am always just the backup plan. Not to mention girls. Idk if it's a generational thing or if I'm just that miserable to hang out with, but I'll meet a girl, things seem cool, we make plans, I don't hear from her the day of said plans. It's so draining and just puts me into a deeper hole. I think I would feel better if you just told me why you didn't want to or couldn't hang out. Otherwise I'm checking my phone every five minutes for a text/call that I'm supposed to get, but isn't coming. I'm done trying to date, or get close with people. It appears I'm just going to be going through it alone. | self.depression |
I need someone to tell me that I matter. It's kind of a rhetorical request. Like, any of you on here could reply and say that I matter but would it really be genuine? I just don't want to live in a perpetual state of sadness anymore. There is nothing I can say to articulate how much ire I have towards myself. I want my friends to care about me. I just want one of them to tell me that I matter to them but I want it to be said in a way that's completely genuine and not in pity or just telling me what I want to hear. That's kinda paradoxical really. I want to hear words from someone but I don't want to hear them just because I want to hear them, if that makes any sense? Probably not but I'm kinda drunk right now. I just want to know that someone's life (outside of my family) would be worse if I wasn't around, and that sounds really big-headed of me to say but I just need someone to want me there and I need to know that I'm not as disposable as I think I am because I constantly feel that if I were to just stop existing one day, no one outside of my family would even notice for a few weeks and then when they did find out, they would be mildly sad for a few days (if that) then return to their normal selves and act like I never existed in the first place. | self.depression |
I feel like I want to die I don’t want to live anymore the last few years I’ve been struggling to find any friends who treat me correctly or even care what I’m going through I have ptsd and major depression I’m struggling to hold on anymore | self.depression |
Feeling that there is no time for doing anything [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
My Life of Anxiety - Self-Hate Story (1) I lie in bed in the middle of the night, awake for some reason. I start thinking of that time, 28 years ago, when I yelled across my college quad to make fun of a friend who had slipped and fallen on the snow. I'd seen other people act this way and thought the recipient of the ridicule understood it was a joke and fooled myself into thinking that only my friend and I were in on the joke. In reality, I just looked like a complete a**hole and made my friend feel horrible about herself. | self.Anxiety |
I feel like shit, i have no ambitions or any skills, goals, can't find motivation to do anything, i wont find a job, i wont accomplish anything in life [deleted] | self.depression |
an empty husk I wish I was still anorexic. I wish I didn't go through recovery. I feel so ugly and fat I need to drop like 50 pounds asap. I'm nothing if I'm not beautiful. If I can't be physically attractive I feel utterly worthless | self.offmychest |
I spent 15 minutes writing about my depression and why i wanna kill my self , but chrome thought I was refreshing the page and i | self.depression |
I wish I could love myself I'm a 21 year old engineering student and I realised that maybe I'm just not cut out for engineering. It's the final year of my course and I gotta complete a project but I'm just not able to. My therapist just told me that I have severe clinical depression and because of this I'm not able to do anything. Like literally anything. I just sit all day eating and wasting my time on the internet. I'm not able to work on my project because I feel like I won't be able to complete it and that I'm too dumb. I haven't been able to land a job yet and I feel like a failure in life. I'm socially awkward, I'm in love with a guy who doesn't feel the same about me and I've never achieved anything so far. I'm too scared to harm/kill myself but sometimes I wish I just died in my sleep. | self.depression |
I know that I felt like shit for years and it may never change but I have come to accept that feeling. I don't have a formal diagnosis of depression but I am aware of a history in my family and I generally know I struggle with feeling good or happy. I honestly don't really think it is a chemical issue but rather something from my lived experience. I haven't experienced anything that I would consider major in the way of lived experience that I could pinpoint for my current mental health or emotional wellbeing, but I have always known myself for not being a happy person as long as I can remember.
Over the last few years I have come to learn my emotions and my feelings and where I actually stand but there is very little I can do to address it in the moment. I know my feelings and usually try to remove myself from a situation to let my feelings subside or burn out.
This last year feels like something has changed. Nothing drastic that I can pinpoint but my life has been generally more stable than it has been in some time. Some of this has occured due to the decisions that I have made and some of it due to what has happened to me. With this being said, I still feel like crap.
With this feeling I have been seeing a counsellor to help me sort this out and usually ends it me feeling better but no better along in addressing my feelings. I work in a field related to counselling and I am in the process of getting my master's in social work to become a counsellor, and I say this to explain that I am really good at reading my own feelings and what makes me feel certain ways.
So the reason I say all of this is to get 'off my chest' is that I feel shitty. Nothing might ever change this feeling. I might feel like this for a decade, or two, or the rest of my life, and that really scares me but right now I am okay with that feeling in my gut. I know I might not be able to change it but I know who I am, what I am, and how I feel, I only hope with time I come to learn how to control it and feel maybe a bit better in the end.
Every day somewhat feels better and somewhat feels worse in different ways, but I'm getting somewhere. I feel like the J.R.R. Tolkien quote 'not all who wander are lost', and I think that's okay right now, that can be enough.
Thanks for reading if you have and I am open to a conversation if anyone wants to talk or make any suggestions. | self.offmychest |
it hurts to fall in love with someone and then have them commit suicide before you can tell them how you feel she text me and said she loved me and that she wished we could have spent more time together... she had never said anything like that so I asked if she was ok but i didn't get a reply so I went to her house only to find her dead and very cold even though it was less than 30 minutes since she sent the text... i don't know how to deal with this | self.SuicideWatch |
Ketamine Infusion for Bipolar Depression (PTSD, Migraine, ECT) Has anyone tried this? I am looking into as I would need to be reimbursed by my insurance company. It is pricey, but I didn't realize that the studies had actually turned into real treatment facillities:
http://ketamineok.com/
http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/bipolar-disorder/novel-treatment-avenues-bipolar-depression | self.bipolar |
My [24/M] female best friend rejected me and I feel lost. [deleted] | self.depression |
I don't understand why he's talking to me again So me and this guy met a couple years back, we were both each other's first kisses lol. Anyway, he is 2 years older and he lives far away. After we parted ways, we talked for a few months, then we just kinda stopped, well I just kind of stopped because I knew I would never see him again and i thought there was no point. But I regretted it so much, even though we might not ever see each other, I still liked talking to him. He was funny and sweet and he was the first guy that really made me feel beautiful. The other day, he randomly snap chatted me and we've been talking for like a week and a half. I don't know why he's talking to me, because he's a sophomore in college and I'm a senior in high school, so you wouldn't think he'd want to talk to me. But I miss him and I like talking to him, I just don't get his angle. I'm just kind of hoping he'll visit me when I'm in college and we can reconnect idk it's a dumb fantasy, but I really do miss him. | self.offmychest |
can someone please help me out so basically i hate my self i feel extremely empty inside and just crappy in general and usually, i talk to a friend of mine i knew that he had issues but he always did help me but now i dont really want to talk to him about my problems because he has a lot of problems himself and it got so bad to the point that he started self-harming like almost 2 weeks back i haven't met him because of our winter break and i really badly want to help him out in spite me my self having self-harming temptations but i really dont know what to do i really dont know i want to talk to him about his issues but i dont know if he will openly tell me or not if but i really dont know what to do like i really really care about him but i dont know what to do because i am myself struggling i hell lot of issues i will be meeting him on sunday but i really dont know what to do to help him | self.depression |
Natural remedies for Finals stress? (Just a precursor, I haven't seen a doctor and gotten an official diagnosis so I'm not saying I have a disorder, but it's a noticeable problem)
Finals got me stressing pretty hard, usually I can get by well enough, but I walked out of a timed essay today and dry heaved in the bathroom for nearly all of passing period so maybe it's a good time to ask for advice.
I just need natural remedies to get through the next week of testing, I'm bringing some black tea for tomorrow, but i'm not super confident in it. Any help is appreciated. | self.Anxiety |
Panic attack while playing a video game? Hey so I had what I think was a panic attack today while I was playing a batman game I felt like a rush of just out of breath I guess and I had to inhale really hard and get up for it to go away and being cold helped it? Idk if it was a panic attack or not but it was scary any ideas as to what to do? Thank you. | self.Anxiety |
I rarely get angry and I'm not sure it's a good thing [deleted] | self.depression |
How do I deal with my depression better? I am a 16 year old girl in my second year of high school and I live in the USA. I have a diagnosis of bipolar 2. I take lamictal (75mg) and paxil (10mg), I have taken lamictal since May, and Lamictal since June. I have depression in Autumn, stable mood in Winter, depression in Spring, and hypomania in Summer. I have been hospitalised many times for my depression, last time was in Autumn last year, on my birthday. I have seen a counsellor and psychiatrist since Autumn of last year, we get along great, but she is going on maternity leave soon, so i get a new counsellor in a couple weeks until she comes back.
I started Paxil first, but that made me hypomanic so I started Lamictal. I had stable mood the whole Summer, no hypomania. Now in September I have depression which makes me sad and cry every day, tired more than usual, cutting, and suicidal thoughts. It makes going to school very difficult since I don't have happiness or energy. Even on the rare mornings I am not sad, the tired makes getting out of bed very hard. I have missed lot of school because of it, which makes my parents, teachers, and doctors/counsellor worried. I did not go to school last year because I was in the hospital and my depression was very bad. At this rate I will not graduate high school, and that scares me, but going there is hard because I don't have any energy.
I've stopped talking to most of my friends because talking and even texting is tiring because I always feel like I am being a nuisance and for those who know I have bipolar, I feel bad talking about it because they have no idea how it is or what to say, and I do not want to burden them with it.
The only thing that helps calm me is playing piano, violin, flute, and guitar, and drawing, and listening to music because that's the only way I know how to release my emotions without harming myself. I tend to be better at them when I am depressed, as opposed to hypomania or normal mood.
Do any of you have any advices on how to deal with my moods better and how to help my situation? I am probably younger than most of the people here, so the more advice I get the better, since most of you have probably dealt with it longer than I have.
Thank you if you've read this far. | self.bipolar |
Help. I think about ending my life regularly but have no justifiable reason. I don’t know where to go.
Twice maybe three times a week I think about ending my own life, the way I would do it, how and when, in detail. I’m an outwardly confident 24 year old man, 6’1, well built, tattooed, with a good history of partners. Why do I feel this way? Whenever I face an issue, I feel like taking the easiest option and it just doesn’t make sense to me. I understand people’s plea for help, when they feel reason, but I can’t understand my own. | self.SuicideWatch |
My depression has taken control over my life. I’m only driven by obsessions and anxieties because nothing else motivates me, I abandon my friends because I can’t properly socialize anymore and nothing really brings me joy. My depression has gotten to a point, where pushing myself isn’t going to help it. A few days ago I pushed myself by choosing to meet my friends on New Years Eve. But I‘ve ended up regretting it. I just couldn’t socialize and my negative thoughts got too intense. I just wanted to be dead and was just jealous and mad at my friends, because they got along with themselves whereas I didn‘t.
After some drinks my mood got good enough for me to behave as an almost normal person would, few hours later I was back in my sober state, where I didn‘t really talk to my friends, but instead very negative thoughts stormed through my mind. I regret having drunk some drinks, because it would be a bad habit to start drinking regularly.
Anyways, I think that my depression has started to destroy my life by itself. My depression has gradually been getting worse and I never anticipated that it would get that far but it somehow happened. I‘m used to feeling depressed, so I just tried to keep up with life as it comes, as everyone else does it... I guess my point is, that I never really realized how urgent my depression is until recently, now that I got thoughts about suicide again. | self.depression |
New boyfriend has been asking if im high all day [deleted] | self.bipolar |
In dire need of advice/info from others who have or still do experience Treatment Resistant Depression I am 23 years old. I have suffered with ADHD, ANXIETY,DEPRESSION & ADDICTION. The last 3 years i have struggled with opiate and benzodiazpine addiction that stemmed from the inability to find the proper help and it being the only thing that really masked how much pain i was in through pretty much my entirety of my teens and even worse now my early adult life. I am actually going into a detox program tomorrow morning to get off the benzo's & taper off my Suboxone, my second attempt. My main question is i did 11 years of trials on SSRI & SNRI medications. Some helped but pooped out over time, others would just make me sick. I did do 18 sessions of ECT 2 years ago and starting working out very often hoping it would help but eventually although it helped for a few months i eventually slipped back into a severe depression.
In the last 7 months ive slowly dropped into what i believe to be the worst depressive episode ive ever experienced in my life, which i thought at one point would be impossible because i didn't think things could actually get any worse than i previously endured mental health wise. I no longer shower, have no motivation, extreme crippling anxiety & of course will now be getting sober and with that being present already will probably escalate off drugs like it did last year i got sober.
My main question is, i don't really want to redo another course of ECT nor am i interested in RTMS but am considering starting a medication again. I know the studies and real benefits of them are iffy at best but i know a lot of people out there have found them to be a life saver if not that at least given them the strength and ability to pursue further help and get out of bed in the morning but its not always easy finding the right one, especially if like me you are very treatment resistant. The only recent medication i can recall helping a tad was abilify but by itself was not enough. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas for me on medications (off label as well) or cocktails that helped them who suffer similarly to me? I would most likely advocate to start it while im in the hospital to get it in my system and have the benefit of being medically supervised during the induction so its starting to work by the time i get out (in there for 2 weeks).
ANY THOUGHTS, EXPERIENCES OR IDEAS WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. THANK YOU AND BEST WISHES TO ALL THOSE SUFFERING. I HOPE WE ALL GET THROUGH THIS. | self.depression |
I'm ending a friendship with an ex-girlfriend tomorrow because I can't stop obsessing over what she's doing everyday. My anxiety has consistently destroyed every relationship I have ever had. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Can someone explain in detail what psychosis feels like? [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Advice concerning job, apartment and anti-depressants. Hey guys. I've been posting all over reddit recently, but it's my way to vent and to cope. I feel really anxious and lost, and would appreciate some advice. Sorry if it's long.
So, im 29, and was recently diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder and depression. I really associate things, places and people I had anxiety around, with my anxiety, and tend to avoid them. Unfortunately for me, every time I move to a new apartment, I sooner or later have an anxiety attack, and associate that space with anxiety. My mom's place, where I grew up, I've associated with safety, so when it gets bad, I usually freak out and head to my mom's place.
So in August, I moved into this apartment. Everything was going well. I usually get anxious when I move, but surprisingly, I was fine. I was smoking a lot of marijuana to help my low appetite, my apathy, and my low libido. Things were going well, until about a month and a half ago, when a leak occurred from my bathroom ceiling. It got rid of a certain feeling of 'safety' I felt there. After a very slow process of dealing with my landlord, and many nights kind of freaking out, it seemed to improve. I dealt with it, even though it made me a little anxious. Then 3 weeks ago, I was feeling a little sick. When I get sick, I stay home all day for a few days, and when I do that, my depression and anxiety get it's worst. One evening, I decided to smoke some weed, and though I felt fine at the beginning, I started feeling a little panicky. It snowballed into a full blown panic attack, so I called my mom freaking out, and she told me to come home. So I packed some stuff and did exactly that. I felt really anxious, but after getting to my mom's place and talking a bit, I calmed down a little. I slept there. The next day, I went to work. I was nervous all day about going back to my apartment, considering I had a panic attack there, and I was associating that space with panic. I kept trying to tell myself that the space was neutral, and I had to face it. So after work, I went to my apartment. I sat on my couch, felt okay, but soon the panicky thoughts came back, and I freaked out, and went back to my moms place. When I got there, I broke down. Cried in front of my mom. Although she's awesome, and calmed me down, I still felt hopeless that I would never feel comfort in my apartment again, and that I'd have to move back home. I stayed a few days, and one day, decided to face my apartment. I went back, and had a pretty okay night. I felt like myself again. I felt some relief. That night, I had really weird, vivid dreams, and when I woke up to go to work, I had these weird racing thoughts, some anxiety, and I felt really hazy and disconnected from reality. I managed to get to work, where I gradually got a little better, but once again, after work, freaked out, and went back to mom's. It's been back and forth, over and over again. I went to the doctor, and told him I needed to see a psychiatrist. He gave me a bad referral, and seemed to be insulted that I didn't want to take meds from him. I preferred a psychiatrist. It felt safer to me, as taking meds scared the shit out of me. A few days later, I went to another doctor with my mom, and she prescribed me Effexor and some Ativan to take only when I need it. I felt a little better, as maybe this was the road to recovery. When I got home, I looked up the drug, and it was alllll bad reviews. It also said it was the worst drug to come off of, which freaked me out. I chose not to take them. A few days later, I had a bad panic attack, and finally caved, and went to the emergency room with my mom. I spoke to a psychiatrist, and she told me I was most likely dealing with avoidant personality disorder, as well as depression (I also deal with apathy, lost motivation, hobbies and music don't do anything for me). She told me to start cognitive behavioural therapy, and gave me a prescription for Cipralex (Escitalopram). I looked up the drug again, and it had better reviews. I know everyone's reaction to an antidepressant is different, but it just somehow seemed safer, with less withdrawal symptoms. The next day, yesterday, I very reluctantly took my first dose of 5mg. I felt fine most of the day, but towards the end of the day, developed really sweaty palms, and some anxiety. I wasn't sure if the anxiety was from the drug, or my own general anxiety. But I went to sleep. This morning, I woke up having bad anxiety, and I just really didn't want to take my dose again. I did, my mom made me, but ive been thinking about things;
I luckily only have work on Friday, but I've heard that anxiety can spike and be bad towards day 4 or 5. I'm really nervous about having to go into work with anxiety, as I work in a very stressful and busy retail environment with a lot of coworkers. I really want to take work off until I get a little better, but then I won't be able to afford my apartment. I really want to move back home to deal with this in the safety of my mom's place. I called my landlord, but they're either making me find a subletter, which can take months, or I'd have to pay a 3 month fee, which would come out to a lot of money. I was freaking out in front of my mom, and she told me she'd take out a line of credit to pay for the fee, so I could come back home and deal with this in a safe space. I really don't want to do that. I already owe a lot to my credit card etc, and can't afford to be indebted to my mom. She's an amazing person, and keeps assuring me that it won't be a problem, but she's retiring in a few months, and I can't do that to her. I feel like a huge burden. I'm also tempted to stop taking the meds, and maybe wait until my living situation and my job situations are more under my control. I'd like to move back home, so I can take a sick leave from work, and focus on getting better without the stresses of having to go to work with these side effects, just to pay rent on an apartment I feel really nervous going to. I know it's just my anxiety. During the day today, my anxiety subsided a little, and I even thought that it'd be best if I go home to my apartment tomorrow to maybe normalize myself. I've now associated my mom's place, my bedroom in my mom's place in particular, with this anxiety. I also have nothing to do all day, so I'm just lying in bed watching movies and videos on youtube. But being alone in my apartment during this scares me. I also have lost a conferrable amount of weight, and since I'm already severely underweight, having someone to cook me food helps, even though I can't eat.
Can someone give me advice on what to do? Moving back home seems safe, but that would indebted myself to my mom. I really want to take sick leave from work, but then I won't be able to afford my apartment. Plus sometimes being at work gets my mind off of everything. Someone please help :( | self.Anxiety |
My parents wish I were dead. I'm ashamed to be shit at school. My parents both graduated top of their class, and I'm just a disappointment.
Man, I want to noose myself. | self.depression |
Don't know how to be supportive Been with my SO for awhile now, 11months and everything has been fantastic. We're both in our early 20s, want the same things in life, and both don't want kids. I'm still in school, have about three years left and when I'm complete I plan on moving. We both liked this idea. Last week he told me he is a father. He just found out. He has no interest in being with the other person, but wants to be a good father, it'll be court approved in January. I'm very proud of him for being a great guy. But I don't know what I can do for him. His emotions and thoughts are all over the place. I can tell he's scared. Any advice? How can I help him move forward? I know there probably not a lot I can do, but he needs a really big hug right now. | self.offmychest |
I'm scared... So my dad delivered an ultimatum today. He basically told me I had to follow the rules or I can pack a bag and get out. I'm just scared mainly because when my dad told me "either you clean out the windowsills (FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME) or pack a bag and get the hell out." My brain IMMEDIATELY went to suicide. It was like "you've been working on the yard for literally the entire day. Take a break for today." The other part was like "just fucking do it for gods sake there's not that much left." And overshadowing all that was the image of me putting a gun to my head and blowing my brains out because that's literally the only choice I actually WANTED. I'm scared that I'll actually kill myself and the terrifying part is I can literally see no way out but that. I'm scared of breaking a rule unknowingly and having to leave. Someone please help me... | self.depression |
Any chance without education? I am really scared of the future, the reason is that i have no decent education, and can't get one. So without education you're basically fucked, right? Because unskilled work doesn't pay that great. Maybe even to low for the necessities. So without education no future or am i wrong? | self.depression |
Health, anxiety and relationships. I need advice. So ... I am a very anxious person, especially when it comes to things related to health. I'm always thinking that in the future the doctor will diagnose me some kind of serious illness, I'm almost sure of that, but right now go to the doctor isn't an option.
The thing is that I have a boyfriend, he's an amazing guy and loves me A LOT and I know I love him as well, that's how he has become the most supportive person in my life when it comes to my panic attacks on being ill. Trust me: he really helps. Although I think he's awesome as a boyfriend and we both are good, surprisely I still don't feel 100% connected and confortable with the idea of us being in a relationship. We used to be friends for a long period of time, and before that I used to date girls only. As I say, I know I love him, but I don't know if I love him enough in a romantic way. Sadly I was thinking of breaking up the other day, but I'm afraid of losing the only person that understand my health anxiety (and my anxiety in general) and know how to manage it. What do you think about my case? I'm very confused. | self.Anxiety |
Not doing another year Like what's the point. I have no job, I have no girlfriend, it's new years eve everyone else in my house is partying and I'm crying in my room. Nobody cares, nobody wants to be around the sad guy so fuck it. They don't have to be anymore.
I'm going to wait until they are asleep and then drink everything they didn't and take all the pills I can find. I'm fucking done, it doesn't get better and no one can help me.
Happy fucking new years. | self.SuicideWatch |
I am so fucking tired of being sick and not sleeping well My mood is fucked. I started depakote and got horrible bruises all over my body and my mouth and butt started bleeding. Great.
So now Im stressed the hell out bc it is my kids bday monday. I have no hearing because my sinuses are fucked. I have tried two different antibiotics and Im not better. Seeing ENT Friday.
My kid cried bc of her bday. Its a fucking disaster. An absolute disaster. She seems upset with me because Im not doing well and feels like her bday is gonna be shit. This is all killing me | self.bipolar |
Fuck Aspergers. I just...want to feel normal. I always felt like there was something wrong with me growing up. It wasn't just my depression or acting out after my father's death when I was young and my mother's subsequent reign of terror over the household and she mentally and physically did whatever she could to exert control over me (like picking me up and throwing me at a coffee table and punching me in the chest because I didn't want to go to KMart with her. It was something more than that. Every word I said felt like tin foil in my mouth, my body felt like a poorly-fitted meat sweater. Every person who got closed to me started to hate me because I was such an over-the-top, overbearing person. I was weird, I said offensive and stupid things, and I learned that the world hated me for some raisin.
I never put two and two together until high school; my guidance counselor and the special education department agreed that I could benefit from speech therapy. When that showed very little progress I was moved to a special education program. Everyone in there was like me; miserable, unsocialised, and unable to understand why the world hated them so much. I felt like finally I wasn't some strange island of mediocrity floating in a sea of people better at being human beings than me, but someone with a condition that could be addressed.
I flourished the the special education program, and stood out among the other students and distinguished myself as a friend and mentor to the younger students, and made a lot of progress in understanding the nature of my problems. After highschool I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (my psychiatrist doesn't like to use the 'outdated' term Aspergers) and finally my whole life started to make sense. I continued making more progress in talking to people and censoring myself. I now feel like I do a really good job fitting in when I'm in a social situation, even if I am more quiet and reserved than the people around me. But I still don't feel normal. My body still feels like sheets on meat on a wire frame, my words still make no sense to my own ears and don't feel like I am the one speaking them. I can make friends and be a charismatic, loveable person, and I can express emotions and speak in a way that is elegant, articulate, and natural. But it's all a farce. It's learned behavior, covering up the terrible and unbearable person underneath. I will never be normal; I can only pretend, and God do I fucking hate that. | self.offmychest |
I love my life no matter how fucked my anxiety wants me to think it is | self.Anxiety |
Feeling suicidal because I have lost life-long relationships due to POLITICS. I just don't want to do this anymore. It seems like all everyone talks about is Donald Trump. For the past 2 1/2 years it is all that anyone I know talks about. Trump and how much they hate him all day long. I am beyond exhausted with the negativity. I understand that they hate him but why do they need to talk about how much they hate him every single day? Surely that can't be healthy.
All of the lost friendships are due to me withdrawing from them and not the other way around. I suffer from depression already and I just can't handle this negativity on a daily basis. I have deleted all of my social media accounts and removed myself from group chats because I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to see variations of "Fuck Trump" memes every single day.
I already deal with this in my workplace on a daily basis. My boss is very anti-Trump and talks about it daily. I don't really engage with him but it's non-stop. There's even a "How Long Until Trump Leaves" countdown on our whiteboard. Our Christmas tree in the break room was decorated with little "F*** Trump" ornaments a lady I work with made.
When I get home I just want to talk about something else. ANYTHING else. I try so hard to bring up different topics but it always gets switched back to Trump even in subtle ways. Not every conversation is super serious but there are a lot of anti-Trump memes, gifs, and the like. It's fine if it makes them happy and I agree that some of it is funny, but when it's every single day it just gets tiring.
I wouldn't describe myself as "Pro-Trump" so please don't accuse me of that. I am a Canadian and I would describe myself as a centrist. I just don't agree that Trump is the most terrible awful person on this planet. I think it's wrong to say that someone is 100% bad and someone else (Hillary Clinton for example) is 100% good.
I don't want to have to defend Trump, but I have often felt like I have to. The amount of things I have heard that are simply not true just makes me feel so upset. I don't understand why people can't use facts to support their opinions and not just feelings. I do understand why people are emotional but there is no reason to say things that are not true. It doesn't help support your viewpoint at all.
The last straw for me was when my grandma said that Trump was as bad as Hitler. I found that incredibly offensive. Her late husband was a Jewish Holocaust survivor! Trump is not responsible for the death of millions of people. I understand that she doesn't like him, but that kind of statement is incredibly dishonest. I told her that I disagree with her and we haven't been close since. It's just not the same anymore and that has been really upsetting to me.
I feel so exhausted. And I feel so alone too. I have never felt more far away from my family or my friends. I can't even turn to TV or the Internet either because it's the same thing. It feels like the whole world is against me. Nobody seems to understand where I am coming from. I don't love Trump. I don't hate Trump. I just want to stop talking about how terrible he is 24/7. | self.offmychest |
I have a one week break from school in front of me but I can only see myself being at home, contemplating my existance. The last week felt like a disaster. I went from feeling okay with some ups and downs to feeling constantly awful. I dont usually see myself as depressed, but now I'm starting to think I'm heading towards a severe depression. I barely have any desire to do anything anymore.
And now I have a whole week from school in front of me! But I just want to be at home. I had planned to visit the swinning hall tommorow to get some exercise, but I'm doubting if I really want to anymore.
I also need to take at least one day to study, and that would normally be no problem.
I have never talked to a therapist or psychiatrist before. Perhaps I should. Maybe this is just temporary, I have no idea where I'm heading.
I feel worried because I rarely feel this low so many days in a row.
| self.depression |
DAE stop telling people things because you feel like you’re a burden I’ve come to the brink of my very collapse and I refuse to say anything about it to anyone around me because it comes off as attention whoring and needy. My anxiety and depression has gotten the best of me again and I’m stuck in an endless loop of worry and self-pity. I’m closer to giving in than ever. What have I become?
Side note: this post kinda makes me feel like shit because I hate to be the ‘woe is me’ guy on the internet. Totally not how I intended to come off. | self.depression |
I'm gay and it's weird because in my unit all these guys Are trying to pick me up and I don't know how to tell them because it's not obvious and they just think I'm this cute girl (maybe a little too quiet and weird) idk they will figure it out soon enough as we spend more time around each other. | self.offmychest |
Can't even do fucking online school. No motivation??? I had to leave regular school and do online school because of my depression and anxiety. I left regular school, 10th grade, in January 2017 and have stayed home everyday doing nothing. August 2017, 11th grade is starting. I haven't been to school in 7 months.
I try to go. I couldn't get out of my house the first 3 days. 4th day I went, and it was like torture. I didn't go back. In October I enrolled in an online school. I was doing well at first. I was kind of happy even. For over half a year I was just thinking that I'm gonna live in my parents house as a highschool dropout until I decide to stop being a pussy, do them a favor, and kill myself.
You almost can't do anything in life without a high school degree. I ask my therapist about getting a GED. "Oh no, you're too smart. You have too much potential."
What the fuck am I doing with all that so called potential? Staying at home, either eating Chinese takeout, pizza, mcdonalds, or nothing, masturbating, watching youtube, and playing video games. Every. Single. Day.
When I started online school, I started to think I had a future again. Idk what happened but now all my motivation to do anything in life is just gone. I have t touched online school in almost two weeks now. I have a shit ton of work to make up. | self.depression |
Anger and Hatred I've been a panic disorder and depression sufferer for years. My attacks have been more frequent and I don't socialise at all any more. Everything has sort of turned into anger and very much 'f*ck everyone and everything attitude'. The littlest things bother me about the society we have become and I just have a lot of hatred.
Having been a sufferer of eating disorder as well, this anger is often focused on anti-skinniness in a world which promotes starvation. I am all for eating until your full as I have first hand been victim to health problems from being told to lose weight. I suffered heart problems and malnutrition from being underweight after shedding too many pounds for fourteen months (I weighed 103 llbs (about 46kg)).
There is just such an accumulation of anger towards the world and myself, most days I don't even want to be around anymore. I have had counselling and SSRIs but ultimately, it's just who I am. I use the feelings as a basis for my songwriting and musical pursuits because that's the only way I can do this anymore...
Anyone else's depression become centred on hatred/anger?
| self.depression |
depression sucks just ranting... I've had depression for most of my life but I feel it has gotten worse since dropping out of school. I've been unemployed for what I feel is way too long, and I'm really struggling finding one where I *at least* land a job interview, I feel constantly kicked to the gutter like yesterdays garbage. I can't even land a job as a cleaner, like wtf is this world where you have to have "a certain set of skills" to fucking scrub faeces from the toilet...
Oh and I have *extremely* terrible social anxiety that has plagued my whole life which is really tough to cope with.
For a while now I've been having what I think are suicidal thoughts, something I have never had before, I even remember saying to my mum when I was younger, when a girl at my school killed herself over bad final exam scores, that I would never kill myself because I love life, but i was so naive back then... Even though I have these thoughts to end it, apart of me is too much of a coward to actually do anything, because I have a wonderful woman in my life that gives me a sign of hope at the end of the day that everything will work out for me in the end... but I'm still fucking waiting.
I tried my best for years to find a job, something I have aspired for, for so fucking long, with nothing working out after all this time, I feel as if the universe doesn't want me to succeed... I know it's all in my head but I fucking hate this immense sadness I feel whenever my girl isn't here to remind me the good things to look forward too in this world. I'm sick of the same routine, I want to get out and live life, and brush off this dark entity I call depression following me around wherever I go.... Someone give me a shot to shine... I try to vent all my pain in rap songs, something that calms and relaxes me, but it only lasts for so long before I feel like utter shit again and the damn cycle repeats itself...
Thinking about killing myself and leaving everything behind scares the shit out of me, waking up everyday and living life not having a purpose scares the shit out of me. Overall, depression sucks... | self.depression |
Trapped Sitting in my car, trying to calm myself after yet another daily panic attack. Deep breaths, calming affirmative thoughts, and the desire to be normal are the only things I have right now. In this moment, Nothing else matters. Life doesn't matter. I'm not suicidal, but the thought of not waking up tomorrow is welcoming. I am struggling and I am ashamed. I am guilty. I feel broken. I feel less than human. I feel so incredibly embarrassed that i cannot handle life the way most people do. Yes, I take my medicine daily. Yes, I see my therapist regularly. It is now, in this moment that I am lost. I am struggling and I cannot find the way out. This overwhelming fear of failure and being a fake is rendering me immobile. I am trapped inside my own mind. | self.bipolar |
I'm scared of being lonely forever I am twenty years old and will be heading to university a week from now. I have been alone for the majority of my life. I have ADHD, Major depression, and Generalized anxiety. | self.offmychest |
I feel like my sister hates me She's either really nice upbeat and friendly or she's extremely impatient and bitter with me. I was watching a train derailment on the news and she tried telling me something she saw on instagram or something and I (somewhat impolitely) shushed her because I was trying to listen to the tv, then I said sorry and asked her to tell me what it was and she gave me the silent treatment. Tried asking again and she snapped and said "I don't care." I hate it when she does this. I try my best to be a nice big brother but she just doesn't give a shit and that frustrates me | self.SuicideWatch |
25 M, Highschool Dropout, Unemployed. As the title states, I’m a 25 male who’s unemployed, and I dropped out of highschool pretty much fucking my life up I suppose. I feel as though I’m just waiting to die and the only thing stopping me from killing myself is my baby niece.
I’m so lost without any idea what to do. I just want it to end, all of the overthinking I do when I’m laying in bed at night hoping I just don’t wake up the next morning. I can’t stand it anymore. I have no future. I just want it all to be over with. Everyone I know would be better off without me. | self.depression |
I just can’t control it anymore I’m really struggling to keep control of myself...it feels like there’s a huge weight on me and I’m just barely holding it up, or I’m drowning and I’m just barely getting oxygen. I’m near the end of my road, I can feel it. If I don’t do something now, I’ll break. I’m weak...I can hardly eat food without feeling disgusted with myself. Conversation is becoming extremely difficult. My mind often goes blank, I lose concentration a lot, and my memory is getting worse. Mostly this is school related, but it feels like everything is just bland and non existent in a way. It feels like all the colors are darkened and the sounds of happiness are muffled. Hurting myself...is sounding better by the second. What if it can control my pain? Or...what if it just makes things worse? I’m just so confused right now and I don’t know what to do! Everyone says it’s hard but it will get better...yeah okay like I haven’t heard that for the past few years. It’s only gotten worse. I’ve hit rock bottom, I can’t take much more of this. If only dreams were real, maybe I’d have a chance. What that’s suppose to mean...I’m not all that sure. I just know that my mind feels like it’s not even mine anymore, I’m a puppet being played by dark things, and I can’t find a way to escape. | self.depression |
Can anyone remember what they were like pre-depression? I know there are those that have suffered with depression all their lives on this sub (and my heart goes out to them) but I was just wondering if anyone could remember the type of person that they were before depression came along.
I have had depression for over three years now. I know it doesn't seem that long but for me it has felt like a lifetime and I have fucked up many aspects of my life: Financially, socially and on an educational level. Really worn me down.
My memory has never been great but with depression my brain feels like it's turned to mush and I feel quite dense at times. However, I remember last being happy in high school. I had a big set of friends that I saw on a regular basis and we had many laughs together. They were the good times. Some bad of course but I enjoyed school for the most part.
But I didn't end up going to university. My friends did. I worked in retail for six years and I think that's what made me start hating people in general and developing depression. My self-esteem took a major hit and I started pushing away and alienating everyone to the point where I just isolated myself and played video games. I was always an introvert but I was a happy one. These days however I hate myself.
I want to get better. At 26 I feel like I haven't made the most of my 20's. I would love to get a girlfriend but I will never be able to do that if I can't learn to accept and love myself first. I read that nature helps with mental health. I don't know what to do. I am at a crossroads because I can't go on destroying myself. I just want to find a will to live again. I don't know how to overcome depression. People sense something is up when they meet me. I want to be normal again. Live again.
It feels like my soul has been ripped out. I want it back. | self.depression |
I'm a 22yo guy, I've never had any relationship and I feel like shit [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Group chat discord/site for support? I'm very depressed... I have social anxiety especially when I'm feeling this low so one on one chat and the suicide hotline is out of the question.
| self.SuicideWatch |
Anxiety at work I’m new to this community so I’m not sure that I should be posting for advice, but I’m in some dire need of some right now. I’ve been having really bad anxiety at work. Im at a new job, and I just left my old job because of the effect it had on my anxiety and depression. Nothing is wrong with my new job, (okay there are some things I don’t like about it [ex: I have to commute and work nights and weekends sometimes] but I like the people there and the work is easy) but my head won’t stop associating work with anxiety and depression now since my old job. I just want to make it through the day without feeling a cinderblock in my stomach just waiting for me to cry when I get off. Today was the worst it has ever been. I didn’t even manage to make it to my car without bursting into tears and hyperventilating like I usually do when panic attacks happen. I used to have these a lot when I got off work at my old job, so I think it’s just my mind carrying that over but I don’t know how to make it stop. Maybe just time to get settled into the new job? Its only been a week at my new job. Any advice would be helpful :/
Other info: I am on Hydroxyzine for anxiety and I just got back on antidepressants (Effexor) after trying to get off of them for good. My doc said that would help. I also see a counselor who tells me that I should write about my thoughts during my breaks, but I only get 2 -15 min breaks and I don’t want someone to see me writing while I’m in the break room. | self.Anxiety |
Well. I'm losing my dog. Awesome. Great now the nightmares about that will be a reality I'm never gonna get any sleep. Honestly. I deserve this. That's fine. I'm better off dead My dog keeps peeing in the house so we have t get rid of her. I haven't been going outside with her enough. Idk. It's my fault. I have every intent of killing myself but idk how oh well. Right? I'm way better off dead | self.SuicideWatch |
Letter after letter I've written countless amounts of suicide letters and sent them to my ex. I want her back so bad but what's she's done has killed me. Im ready to die. I cut. I make nooses... I'm an idiot. I just want to.be saved and I want her back so bad but how can i go back after all she did | self.SuicideWatch |
Can’t stop crying. I feel betrayed and heart broken. The one person I needed has abandoned me [deleted] | self.depression |
My ex bf the rapist He moved back to my home state and I want to scream and cut myself. This is the first time I've regretted not going to trial the day before it was supposed to start but I was 18 and scared and knew they were going to crucify me on details that I messed up from stress or just didn't remember - like his mom was in the house but I didn't see her when I ran out. How could she not have heard me screaming no? I feel fucking pathetic. It was 11 years ago this April. It's a fucking joke I had a flashback of him when I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend eleven fucking years later.
I lost friends because of this because small town huge fucking liar. No one even cares enough about me to ask me if it was true. He still has friends. He's made more friends. He has a long term girlfriend that's a victim of assault but doesn't seem to realize that she's in love with a fucking rapist that is a textbook abuser and knows how to put on a good public front. He's ruined my life. He stole a part of me I can never get back and gets to live a better life than me and has more people care about him when he fucking destroyed me and I will never feel like my body is mine.
I found out because my sister was uninvited to a friends party because he was going to be there. My own fucking sister couldn't just ask if the friend if he moved back to the state for me so I could just fucking know so I'm not blindsided if I do cross paths with him.
What's even better is that I don't know how many people actually have heard about this, I didn't tell my sister. I didn't tell her friend but obviously she must know some version of it. None of this was in my control I didn't even report it and he still gets to shit all over me to this day. He still gets to ruin my life with no FUCKING consequences whatsoever, I am the one that is still suffering the consequences. I don't like the friend anyway but didn't know she had kept in contact with him but now it makes sense that she won't even look at me if I'm in the same room with her. I want to die. I'm not even worth asking what my side of the story is. No one fucking cares about me because they all think I'm a piece of shit and my own fucking sister won't stand up for me in the smallest fucking way. I wonder if it's been brought up in front of her and she did fucking nothing. Traitor. | self.SuicideWatch |
I’ve had the flu for days and I can’t take it anymore I’m on day like 5 of the flu and I’m having the worst panic attack. I can’t stop sweating, the second I cough up phlegm there is immediately more and I’m like gagging on it, my nose is stuffed and I have to actively try to breathe, I feel so uncomfortable, I’m losing my mind. I’ve hit my breaking point and I’m just sobbing uncontrollably. I’m stressing because I’ve already had to use sick time at work this year and it’s only the first week, the house is covered in all of my sick germs and I don’t have the strength to disinfect it, the laundry is piling up and the house is messy.
I probably sound like an absolute baby right now but I can’t do multiple days of being incapacitated. I feel like shit and can’t do anything I need to get done. | self.Anxiety |
I hate that being bipolar made me fall in love so strongly. I fall in love so intense. The guy I fell in love with does not want to be with me "anymore" To be fair, he wasn't ever really mine. One of the first things he told me was that he had never been in love and probably wouldn't ever be.
He just wanted a "special friend". He wanted me to come visit him. I was hesitant and reluctant because of some stuff that I'm not comfortable sharing here and my bipolarity.
I told him about all that crap and he was okay with it.
So I went to him.. and fuck, it was some of the best days of my life. We had such a great time. Perfect fit from the start.
He talked about me meeting his family and going boating with then, didn't want me to go home, he almost cried at the airport. That made me hopeful.
It all started to sour after a while. We both realized he was totally bipolar, but he refused to get help. I came to visit him once more. I was so in love with him and it hurt to see him hurting and that he didn't say all that good stuff about "us" anymore.
It went longer and longer between our chats
He wouldn't answer me for weeks. So I finally gave up a couple of days ago. Sent him a message wishing him all the best and hoping that he'd seek help. I told him that I knew that he didn't want a relationship but that I fell in love with him anyway.
He actually answered that message, first time I heard from him in almost two months.
"It's unfortunate that you feel that way when our friendship was really good. Sad that it has to be black or white."
I'll never see him again, touch him, smell him, spoon him, talk to him. It's horrible and it overshadows all of the good things in my life. I can't sleep because I only think about him whenever I try. In a way I wish that I'd never met him.
I'll probably try to cope with this by sleeping around a lot. I usually do. Would be nice to channel it into something healthier though..
T, if you read this, please seek help. You're a great person and you deserve a good life.
Sorry for potato English and grammatical errors, English isn't my native language. | self.bipolar |
I fucked up today My friend committed suicide, it was his funeral two days ago. I drank with a friend all day and on the way home ended up curled up on the grass. Someone walked past, don't know who, and went and told my cousins girlfriend who had to come walk me home. The police ended up coming to the door because someone else must have called the police when I was curled up outside and they had to do a wellness check.
Told my whole family about my thoughts, told them I feel like my whole life has been an embarrassment. They rang the crisis team who are coming to see me this morning. Basically I've just fucked everything up, made an absolute arse of myself and got everyone worried just before Christmas.
Really worried about who it was who walked past and obviously knew me. Or who else might have seen. I remember trying to get up at one point and I don't know what happened but apparently I hit my head. What if someone filmed me or took a picture?
Really didn't want to wake up, wish I hadn't. | self.Anxiety |
My dreams are now the only reality in which I feel alive [deleted] | self.depression |
The only reason I’m not killing myself is because I promised my mom not to. [deleted] | self.depression |
Ignored and forgotten This is my fourth year where I have chosen not to do anything on Christmas. That isn’t to say I don’t welcome well wishes and such. I just don’t buy presents (I might participate in a gift exchange here and there but no big family presents like I used to) and no gatherings or anything like that. I had surgery three weeks ago as well and am still recovering from that.
Today I haven’t heard from anyone. I didn’t expect to hear from my dad and stepmom because I talked to them on Saturday so that’s fine. But my brother didn’t text me. Probably because he just expects me to text him first and will make some comment to my sister about how he wishes he would hear from me more. My supposed friends have chosen to ignore me over the past couple weeks. I guess my not so great recovery has them thinking I’m too depressing and why bother with me. A simple message while they live their happy lives would be nice but nope.
So I sit here. Crying. My sister who I live with made dinner. I ate it. I went about my business. I keep expecting a message on my phone from at least one friend. But no.
And I’m sure I’ll get told “you can only rely on yourself” or “maybe you should reach out to them first”.
To that, I say: fuck off. Cause I’m tired of being the one who reaches out first. I’m tired of trying. If they don’t want me in their lives they don’t have to have me. I will disappear and no one will care.
| self.depression |
Why did you have to die You've been dead almost 2 years but it still hurts. I miss your laughter, I miss your hugs and comforting advice, I miss just spending time with you and trading jokes. They say time heals all wounds. Bullshit. You were my best friend, you meant the world to me, and you are gone. Time can't fix that, because it can't bring you back.
I will never get to hear you say "hey, it will be ok" or tell me that my children are little angels. You're right, they are. I love them. But I miss you. I miss you so much and I feel like everyone else has moved on. I feel like there's a hole in my heart that will never, ever close. Sometimes, I can go through my life and be okay. But times when I could use your advice or a kind word, like now... That's when I find myself looking at your pictures and crying.
I miss you, T. Rest well. | self.offmychest |
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now This is the best book for dealing with regrets of the past and anxiety about the future. Grasping fully the concept of embracing your “now” moments in life is indeed powerful and life-changing. | self.Anxiety |
Awkward Moments I beat myself up replaying awkward moments and feeling bad for the other person. How do I forgive and forget, so I can sleep? | self.Anxiety |
My classmates only care about me when they need something I hate feeling like i'm just being used... | self.depression |
Just Wish somebody would Check up on me or ask how Im Doing.... No one ever asks how Im doing.... I have a home,Some Friends, Some Family, Even a Girlfriend of almost 5 yearss.... Still deeply inside i Feel like I have No one..... No one Bothers... Just Loneliness .. | self.depression |
The sound of my parents fighting makes me almost physically hurt It's daily and it just makes me want to escape. But there's no real escape. Nothing that makes me feel better that doesnt kill me. "Pick up a hobby" great I totally feel better, not. I play games, edit videos, photoshop, play with my dog, etc shit. Dont anyone fucking say "keep looking" it's not gonna make the pain go away. You know what I want? I want there to be a drug like heroin that doesnt fucking kill you. But I dont think it's even possible. Anyway, I'm sober and unhappy. How can I feel positive about life when I sit here every night and listen to my family argue about me? Oh yea and I'm autistic, so it's like life's hard enough then I'm handicapped. No relief. I just want to get high and for it not to fuck my life up more. | self.depression |
My doctor says I’ll never be stable. Does anyone ever get stable and why can’t I be? | self.bipolar |
I am depressed and have very few friends. Help? For the last six months or so, since my very close group of friends ditched me for no other reason than "youre annoying" I have been so depressed and haven't really done anything with any friends. Every single weekend ends up just me bored and depressed out of my mind, just sitting or laying down and looking at my phone. I get no invitations and every time i ask someone if they want to do anything the only responses i get are "idk" and "no i cant". No one really talks to me and the only time i ever hang out with anyone is just when i happen to run into people, i can never make plans with anyone. It seems like no one likes me and i cant figure it out at all (and neither can two close friends which i mostly talk with online because one of which moved pretty far away and the other goes to a different school). Lately the idea of suicide has seemed much more of an appealing escape, not that I would ever actually do it or consider it, but it seems like more pleasent than it ever should. Why does no one like me? How do I get people to like me? Thanks so much for any responses. | self.depression |
i think ill kill my self this weekend im tired of these emotions. if being human means feeling all this shit then im not down 4 this ride.
i want someone 2 dm so they can tell my story or what ever.
just so people who ask "whyd he do it he was so young and had so much potential" arent left with the impression that i had a chance at being happy.
i dont want to talk 2 someone who wants 2 talk me out of it. i want someone who will listen nd tell my story 2 those i love or the news or what ever. | self.SuicideWatch |
Subhuman If I don't think I deserve someone, then I don't. If I don't think I have any value, then I don't. If I don't think of myself as likable, then I'm not. I just wish I was normal. I just wish I was comfortable in my own skin. I just want to feel like I belong, but in my assessment of my relationships and their dynamics, they are all dead. No emotion. No drive. No true connection. How could there ever be a connection if I'm this broken? If I grew up this way? If I have either an apathetic or worried face every time I have to look at someone and interract? More importantly, how am I supposed to find the strength and humility necessary to better myself? To become fully aware of who I am? I can't just be myself anymore. That hasn't gotten me anywhere, except to a place where a person can look at me and be able to say I suck and that I need to improve. Why improve? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I am subhuman. I am less than who I expect myself to be, and yet I don't care enough to become that person. I'm fucking losing it man. | self.depression |
University Collaboration Class Anxiety I just got an emailed syllabus of the class today, as spring semester starts next week. I knew presentations and student groups were unavoidable due to the course (and a collab studio is required to graduate), but after reading through the syllabus I feel sick and scared.
I think I can muscle through the earlier projects as they are mostly group proposals, but the final is a group performance/installation project. In high school I took drama classes to get over my fear of being in the spotlight, but it did not work and I cried everyday I had the class. Having flashbacks even now is making me cry.
The class is a creative writing collaboration class, and I thought it would be less being in front of the class kind of thing. Now I am debating changing classes or dropping it. I wish I didn't need it to graduate.
I also have not made any friends my first semester so I don't have anyone I could take the class with for support.
I guess I can't run away from it forever, so is there any advice for calming myself down or just getting through it? | self.Anxiety |
High anxiety from intense job stress due to lack of training/guidance I was thrown into a new position at work in June with very little training. Every time I just barely got my head above water, they’d throw more work at me. I’m a very organized person and since I’ve been inheriting accounts from other people, it’s all a mess, not to mention the fact I don’t actually know what I’m doing in the first place.
My supervisor/“trainer” quit two months ago, and I was placed with a temp team lead who is now out on maternity leave. My temp temp team lead is the company’s Vice President who is of course extremely busy so I have almost no guidance.
My performance is slipping because I’m not doing things that I don’t even know exist and I’m really, really frustrated. Clients are all over me and a few have made comments to my supervisor on my mistakes. Which are mistakes that I don’t even know I’m making.
I’ve tried addressing the workload/lack of training from day one, but I’ve been brushed off and told it’s fine. So now I don’t even waste the energy. Is it time for me to move on or do I need to suck it up? | self.Anxiety |
I hate my life and if u don't like it fuck u Why do some people get mad at my negative and cynical attitude? They think the come from harsher and harder shit will fuck me too suck dick and die. Be happy it's not you saying I hate my life | self.depression |
raise your hand if you are a professional self-saboteur Me, that is me. I am raising my hand. For some reason, I have a little voice in my head that says "you've been pretty stable lately. It's weird. Skip your meds a couple days."
I've really gotta work on that. Damn. | self.bipolar |
If you've ever been hospitalized and dealt with it poorly, how long did it take you to get over it? Just some quick context: About two weeks ago, I was going through a particularly rough time because of work, being off my medication (I had stopped about three weeks prior), and the recent sudden death of my uncle. I was forcibly admitted to a psychiatric ward because I expressed suicidal ideation and vague intent to my psychiatrist. The thing is, I was going to admit myself the same day anyway in order to take some time away from my job and figure out a better medication regimen.
 
The fact that my psychiatrist made it this whole ordeal and had an ambulance called (with police escort) to take me from the clinic to the hospital, added to the awfulness of waiting for 12 hours in the ER for a bed to free up and the general terribleness of being locked up in the kind of ward I was sent to (more like prison than a hospital) has kind of made the whole thing feel traumatic to me. I don't want to seem like a wuss or anything, but the experience was genuinely awful and I hated having my autonomy overridden and disregarded and being treated like human garbage for daring to be ill.
 
I've been out for just over a week now, and while I'm ecstatic to be home, I find myself being overwhelmed with feelings of anger, helplessness, and shame when I think about the hospital. I keep dreaming that I'm back there and trapped there. Again, I know that this is like an overreaction. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how long it took you to get it out of your system?
 
**TL;DR Involuntarily admitted to hospital, it was beyond awful. Out just over a week now, experience still haunting me. How long will it take to get over it?** | self.bipolar |
I didn't think I'd be holding a gun to my head at 17 I took the divorce hard. Especially when my mom and I moved a state away. But we made it together. Buddies for life. Then she found a boyfriend and I shut myself in. He's not my dad and he never will be. He just turns my mom against me. Or maybe it is my fault, I put her in the middle of all this make her feel like shit. Had a stupid fucking kid who can't even fucking smile.
The only other person I have is my boyfriend. We met on Reddit, he's perfect. He's sat through so many panic attacks, but we're 16 and 17 he shouldn't be dealing with that. We see each other every month which is nice but he forgets about me a lot. He's so supportive and I feel so guilty because all I do is this shit and I truly don't know what he sees in me.
I've gone to the counselor twice. They put me on Prozac a couple days ago. They gave me panic meds that aren't working. My boyfriend told me he made these new friends and played video games with them all day. Pretty much just forgetting I was here. I kept asking him to try and keep his weekend free, I'm alone completely alone because that stupid fuck took my mom camping. So I'm here completely alone. I just wanted to be able to skype with him so I wasn't totally alone and to hear that sent me over the edge. He asked me to say I was okay so he didn't have to worry. I lied.
I'm so tired I just want this day to end. I went to my moms room. She has an unloaded pistol and I just held it to my head. Pulled the trigger. Click. Then I held his loaded one, put it back down. Settled for cutting instead.
I can't go on like this. The attacks are getting to be too much and I know they both can move on. He has a lot of friends, she has her boyfriend. I'm shit anyway. Now I just need the courage to pull the trigger on that loaded one
Update: I just want to thank everyone for their support, it means a lot so thank you all | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm always thinking about dying. Sometimes I just feel something in my heart and I always think it's because I'm gonna die. It's hard to explain like.. Im relaxed and then I just start to think about dying and I lose the control of my breath, I start to think that my heart is not beating and it freaks me out. I don't know if someone feels the same or maybe I'm just panicking for no reason. I just think that it's not normal. | self.SuicideWatch |
life is just stupid if you can name what your living for think about how it will be affected when you die | self.SuicideWatch |
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