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Taking Zyprexa and Zoloft at the same time? Can I just take both at the same time each day? should I separate the times I take them? (I'm currently taking Zyprexa at around 3:15pm each day) | self.Anxiety |
I am a surplus I am a surplus.
I am a too much.
I am someone no one is hiring because there are too many of me.
Whiny Millennial with a college degree in sociology.
I am told that I have to be an adult and grow up, take care of myself. That I am entitled for thinking that I should be able to afford things without working myself to an early grave. This wasn’t supposed to be how my life was supposed to go. My parents and their parents had careers, bought houses, started families. Why can’t I. Why can’t I work enough to be like them? Why am I so spoiled and lazy? Why can’t I find a job with a living wage? Why do they make so much luxury shit that they say we should have. Luxury shit like, apartments, health insurance, a 5 day work week with regular hours, cable tv, food in the fridge, time to go shopping and cook. Who can afford that? Not most people. Not surpluses like me.
What I am is a surplus: surplus labor. I am what is left over.
I am expendable. I can be fired at a moment’s notice. I cling to a job that I tolerate because the alternative is even worse. I have no clout. If I complain, even about things I have a right to, even about being put in a position where I have to break the rules and thrown under the bus when something goes wrong, then I am expended. I have no rights.
What am I even for? Why do I have to keep living? I am never ever going to retire. There is no possibility for savings and the political class seems committed to making this situation even worse and to dismantling what little remaining safety net there is, what little retirement there is. I am going to work like this until I am dead. Why wait?
I went to college. I got good grades. I was good in school. I didn’t go to juvie. I have ultimately the same fate as those who did. The only subversive thing I did was transition to female and maybe smoke weed once in a while. But even people who didn’t do those things seem to wind up in the situation. I am aging, but my 20s never ended. I don’t feel like I have any security or stability. Once my mother is gone, I am completely doomed. Why wait? Why live in suspense?
I can’t even get sick or go mad. I have so little breathing room.
I also can’t help but feel this is all my fault. I did have a career for a short time but I burned out. I also couldn’t continue living as a man and couldn’t transition while in that career in that part of the country and it was just going to bubble up in my mind over and over again as my hairline got further and further back. Getting a new teacher certificate will cost far too much in time and money that I simply do not have and honestly, thought of facing my own classroom again is not something I think I can do anymore.
The thought of becoming homeless is one of the most nightmarish things I can think of happening to me short of prison and I fear that homelessness can lead to prison. Homelessness, destitution, and prison keeps me complacent, keeps me going to these jobs. What society really wants though, is for me to die. That is what is most convenient for society, for all the surpluses to just disappear, so they can continue selling vacant luxury condos and walking past bums, the surplusest of surplus labor to sell big screen tvs that my generation can’t afford, and throwing away they old ones that can’t be fixed because society needs people to buy the new one but also needs to pay the overwhelming majority people too little to actually do so. Why argue with society? It just puts me on the streets or in prison to experience misery forever. I am a garbage person, disposable, expendable.
Surplus.
Too much. | self.depression |
stupidly dropped my iphone and destroyed the screen, now i'm paranoid i'll randomly destroy rest of my things, lose all my debit cards, cash, passport etc [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Artists and artsy people who create while manic or depressive, anyone using makeup as a medium? [deleted] | self.bipolar |
I just got dumped. And I never saw it coming. Things were up and down, and had been down for a week or two, but I was nowhere close to being ready to throw in the towel. We agreed we were bickering too much and we were going to work hard and give it a shot. Less than a day later she changed her mind.
I have so much I could say. I’m so angry and feel like my life has been stolen from me. Maybe that’s not a healthy thing to feel, maybe I am a little codependent. She wasn’t perfect. She was kind of an asshole about it. But I can’t be mad at her. I’m so completely destroyed.
Today has been a little better. But I feel so much jealousy, bitterness, and paranoia. We play D&D and because she’s an attractive girl, she gets a lot of attention. I tried not to be controlling, I would never say she can’t have friends and text/msg them all the time. But one of them blatantly likes her and she knows it. And coupled with me not being a big texter, her constantly being annoyed that I don’t respond to her enough, I feel like she saw greener pastures. I am what I am. A loser. A junkie. Even though I’m clean from heroin, and she never saw me like that, I’m still that same junkie. And she saw me for who I was. It’s not attractive.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I didn’t make you my whole social life. I wish I had a contingency plan. I wish I tried harder. I wish you still needed me. But I wish you happiness without me. I’ve chewed my tongue raw from anxiety. I was always so stoic. An emotional rock. Someone that anyone can depend on in an intense situation. I have thick skin and a strong stomach. You fucking broke me.
I love D&D. But we were one of those couples. It was our thing together. I don’t want to face her every week. And I don’t want to face everyone there, knowing I just got dumped. I feel emasculated. And it makes it 5x worse that I know that everyone there is going to take this opportunity to swoop in on her.
I don’t want to quit the one extracurricular thing I enjoy doing. But I enjoyed it because I did it with her and I love her so much. If I realized I would be so heartbroken, so fucking destroyed once I lost her..I would have tried harder. I had opportunities. I could have tried harder. | self.offmychest |
Lately I haven’t been wanting to smoke cigarettes much and have been eating a lot less, could these be positive side effects of my medications? I’m taking Wellbutrin, Latuda, Topamax, Buspar and Trazadone on the nights I need it. Just curious about other people’s experiences on any of those meds. | self.bipolar |
Normal sadness vs depression I'm struggling today. I had been good since before Christmas. I'm dealing with divorce after her affair and trying to find a job after being unemployed and taking care of the kids for the past 7 months. I. Trying to do things that better myself. I'm eating healthier and working out. I went to the gym tonight and guess who's there? My soon to be ex wife walking on a treadmill. I knew she had a membership to the same place, but we normally work out on different schedules since we split time with the kids 50/50. Bit not today. And it sent me reeling. I have gone from good two days ago to acceptable yesterday too bad today. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if it's normal sadness about divorce and breaking up of our 10 year marriage or if it's the beginning of something awful. I teared up a little today thinking about how far I am from where I want to be in life. I'm going to keep trying to work on it, but man the struggle is real. I'm really hoping that these last few days don't send me spiraling down into the rabbit hole. I guess I needed to vent but also, how do you know if you're getting to the point of being depressed vs just being sad about your lot in life? | self.bipolar |
My nightmare will end today Today I’m killing myself, it has been a tough year for me as a 19yr old Brazilian trying to change his reality. I’m a software developer and I own a small software development company that failed miserably and fucked my life.
I tried my best to overcome my financial and professional problems, but I made it worse, I lost all my employees because I couldn’t pay their salaries (I also got scammed by 6 developers that made me loose an incredible amount of money) so I tried to work alone and deliver the projects that my company was working on all by myself.
I worked for 18 - 20 hours a day, finished 9/16 projects, I’m being called a scammer by the clients whom have unfinished projects because I couldn’t reply them in time and show progress. This way my software development company failed and I acquired lawsuits and people pointing fingers saying that I robbed them even though I was still trying to finish everything until yesterday, because I got my family threatened by one client.
I tried to avoid suicide by connecting with my friends and family, now my friends think I’m a criminal because they don’t know the story. My family doesn’t know about what I’ve been through yet, I made 3 notes so they can read when they find my body.
These 3 notes contain my last words and a bunch of courses for my little brother, I also left all the equipment he needs to become a game developer (His dream).
My little brother was my only reason to live, because I wanted to see him succeed, but I can’t keep suffering anymore.
I’m done :)
If for some reason, a family member of mine end up reading this, I just wanna say that I’m sorry and I love you guys.
** UPDATE 19/12 **
Thanks for the support, I’m thinking about a solution to my problems. I will be adding updates to this thread every day, hope i can get through this bad moment of my life.
I also didn’t killed myself because i was kicked out of the apartment i was living hours before my attempt, I’m at my parents home, this made me stop to think about it. Let’s see how it goes
** | self.SuicideWatch |
Can I just vent? I quit my last full time job as a nurse in 2008. I went on Social Security disability, and have spent the past nine years going on and off meds, through ECT, DBT, rehab for benzo addiction (well, ok, that was 12 years ago and the beginning of the end of my nursing career), smoking weed (I live in a state with a medical program and have a card), going to therapy, massage school, moving back to my very small home town and starting a business, and getting into a relationship that I thought I would be in, forever. My story with bipolar began about 15 years ago in nursing school.
Three months ago, I went back to work full time for the first time in nine years. I teach health education through the county health department. I'm struggling a little with the schedule, especially since my energy level always tends to dip this time of year. I've had to be out the door an hour and fifteen minutes earlier than usual every morning for two weeks, it's been right before my period, I'm teaching in kind of a difficult situation, this month, and yesterday I came home to a plumbing emergency and am now going through thanksgiving weekend without hot water.
I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I just want life to pause so I can sleep until I feel rested, but I fell like that would take about three years. My thirties are almost over, and it only feels like it's been about five years. I broke up with my boyfriend last week and I really miss him, I love him dearly, but he has made it clear he never wants to be monogamous, and while I'm the kind of person who can do nonmonogamy, I just don't fucking want to. I want one thing in my life to not feel excessively complicated, and polyamory and all its subculture and jargon is complicated, and I'm over it. My brain is beyond complicated, and I am over it. I had a manic episode last year after my boyfriend flew in his other partner to visit, and this partner required more of my attention than I expected, I didn't get sleep for a few days, this triggered the mania, and I broke up with my boyfriend, then, too. We got back together because he quit drinking. (I feel like I have to explain all this...) But, I finally had a discussion with myself that was very real, wherein I told myself that I couldn't keep pretending that relationship was what I really wanted, so even though I miss him a lot, I may never find someone as compatible, I need to let it go, because we want different things.
Anyway, I'm so tired from how hard I have to work to maintain normalcy, structure, flow, routine. I have such a love/ hate relationship with that stuff. I know I need it in my life, but I'm feel like I need a controlled amount of chaos in my life, too, but it's exhausting to maintain it all. But, I can't just rot on disability, forever. It's not working for me. I can do better than this... but it's just so much work, and I am so tired. | self.bipolar |
I finally feel ok.. has my whole life been one big delusion? So.. I searched and I haven't found anything on this...
I struggled with bipolar my whole life being undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. I was trapped in my own sort of reality clouded by, anger, impulsivity, confusion, dispaire, many times thinking why doesn't anyone feel or care as much as I do? Or how is everyone So OK all the time? Hiding my pain until it exploded
I caused others pain.. but they didn't seem to feel the same passion as I did at the time so.. I don't know how much?.
At about 28 I was finally diagnosed and now at 30 I seem to have found the med that works for me (lamatrogin, not an endorsement just for context) .
I'm finally feeling ok and it's very strange to me.. I no longer have major outbursts and feel less stress, but I'm afraid, I guess, Not like the insane anxiety... but just.. reflecting back I'm thinking ..
My whole life has been one big storm.. It makes me.. wonder... How much of it wasn't real at all?
I went though life in a ball of stress and did real things? I got my masters and a good job (that I probably wouldn't of kept without meds)
I should be happy.. I'm feeling better?.. but wow.. the storm. It went on so long.. It's like my body needs to rest from a constant fight or flight mode.. just strange..
| self.bipolar |
I give up, my life sucks and I don't belong here. I hope you guys will be able to turn your life around, I'm not [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I need to vent- feeling suicidal Everyday I feel suicidal, this is making me feel extremely tired. The idea of ending it all makes me feel surprisingly... Calm? Like I honestly wish I could do that (I really do) but I know I can't just leave like that and it's making me frustrated most of the time. Every time I go to bed the idea of not existing makes it easier to fall asleep as imagine that i was never born and don't need to deal with this bullshit that's called life.
I hate how I have my happy moments and when they're done, I slip to hating my life right away. I'm not happy and I doubt I will ever be. I feel hopeless and extremely exhausted both physically and mentally. It doesn't feel like it's never gonna stop. I hate the fact I was born and I wish I could end it. Looks like I'm gonna suffer till I die because nothing seem to ease the pain of existence. | self.depression |
Down in the Dumps, but oddly comforted. I just started searching for reddit's on suicide and depression because I have been feeling so low lately and stuck in a rut. I feel trapped due to my financial situation and my job being relentless. I was shocked by how many people come to these reddits and post on the hour. The amount of people posting is staggering and although I still feel like shit and not completely well in the head I don't feel as alone seeing that I'm not the only person who feels this way.
I am trying my hardest to focus on a solution and despite being a super pessimist, I hope I can try and get things together and can lend some support to any one I come across here. | self.SuicideWatch |
Parents say im driving them crazy with my depression and anxiety and it just makes me more upset [deleted] | self.depression |
Left alone and empty after sacrificing everything and destroying myself Hi, not sure what I expect to get from this but appreciate a place to put it out there. For intro, 20f. i have suffered with severe depression and (social) anxiety and disassociation for as long as I can remember due to past issues, finally saw a doctor for it about 4 years ago.
For a few months my 3+ year relationship was struggling. He changed personality entirely. It was around this time a new female friend became part of his life, she's married, 10 years older than us and he became so intensely attached to her. After months of them growing closer, us drifting and arguments and sobbing every time we tried to spend time together, he suggested we take a week communication break, as well as saying he couldn't try or care anymore because of my reaction to the situation stressing him out. 4 days in he called to try again prematurely.
Things didn't improve as he started lying about how often he was talking to her and lying to go off and call her during time we set aside from his overwhelming schedule of seeing her in person, (the sneaking off to call her was actually on a night we had just got home after going to the pub and her turning up out of the blue and so me not talking to my boyfriend for most of that night out then).
I suggested breaking up a couple of times but it ends with me realising I can't live without him and begging to try again with me trying even harder, while he admits to giving less effort. He says he still loves me, I think he does, but know he's having his own mental struggles that he's refused help for until now..
Last night we finally discussed it because he was messaging her throughout a NYE party we went to where I didn't know many people to talk to so depended on his company (social anxiety) but we were on the same page and we were happier than we'd been in a long time in that moment, kissing and hugging because it seemed sorted and we understood each other again. I was actually crying of relief. But a bit later the female friend blocked him on Facebook messenger, which upset him, triggered a whole new argument with us. Having gone to the party at 9pm, we got home and didn't sleep until 11am new years day due to the argument and going in circles. And I realised I can't win against it. And my boyfriend isn't well mentally now, I don't want to tear him apart trying to fight for our relationship. So I backed out.
I've tried to talk to the female friend.. She's not malicious or trying to hurt either of us, I'm sure. So that just makes it harder to understand how and why this is happening.
He says we can go to being friends (but not seeing each other as much as he sees her) but I can't even imagine that pain of accepting a mediocre "friend" position in his life now.
I know I've rambled way too much here, I just wanted to release. I've been suicidal for a while but now it's too intense. And now I'm alone, and dont have his support. He's said he's still there and has messaged me a bit since I left his today but it isnt the same. My few friends are always busy and have their own priorities of course, it's understandable. I'm not close at all with my family. I have no one. I'm so embarrassed about this situation. If I could just go in a way that wouldn't hurt and embarass people I know I'd be long gone. During the relationship breakdown both me and my boyfriend quit university because of stress, which I know embarrassed my family. I have no money and my debt is hanging over me, I can't get a job (have tried) and don't even have enough to cover future rent on the uni flat that we shared but is now empty because he didn't want to leave home, it turned out, and I couldn't live by myself.
I really don't know what I expect from here but I appreciate anyone who read so much. I'm just not in a good place and I don't think I'm going anywhere better soon. It's been severe but never this awful. My heart physically feels so heavy..Thanks for reading, of course it's impossible to give advice having only heard what is probably a biased account on my part, but anything you have to say will be read, thank you | self.SuicideWatch |
ICD Bipolar Billing Codes question Does your pdoc ever send billing codes through that are different than what the visit reflects?
Ex. The ICD code being "currently or most recent episode hypomania", when your pdoc doesn't think you're hypo.
I was just curious because I've been working with my pdoc since my first and only severe manic episode where I was voluntarily hospitalized. Since then, for the last year and a half, the ICD she's used every time has been "current/most recent episode, manic, severe, w/o psychosis." After yesterday's visit, I saw the ICD was put through as hypomanic. She would tell me if I was, so just curious if this is a billing thing? I did just switch insurance companies, so I wonder if that would have anything to do with it.
| self.bipolar |
This is my son’s last Christmas with both his parents The divorce will be final in February. I wanted it, he didn’t. That makes me a bad person today. At least to me. This is my son’s last Christmas as an intact family. He’s only 1 1/2, he won’t remember. I don’t know if that’s cruel or not, that he won’t remember christmases with both parents together. From now on it’s “Christmas at my moms”, or “Christmas at my dads”.
I have just been unhappy in this marriage and cannot take it anymore. But I still CARE about my husband. I feel like a bad person today because I’m taking every other Christmas morning away from him. And for what, me to be happy in life?
Fuck me. I really hate myself. | self.depression |
I feel ashamed that I'm suicidal. I'm twenty one and I i'm suicidal, simply because I feel I will never have a relationship, questioning what the fuck is wrong with me. Something this trivial, many people would probably shrug it off and just say "it's not that hard". I feel pathetic for having such a problem. I feel many may mock me IRl.
You can get a bit of a quick background on my post history, there's only a few threads. As days go by, i feel like I'm picking at myself. emphasizing everything I hate about my self, things I cannot change. I often fantasize about myself commiting suicide, or getting shot in a head when out in public.
I decided to write this after coming across chapter on the economics of dating and relationships. My feelings intensified after realizing how harsh life is, at no one's fault.
| self.SuicideWatch |
Does anyone just forget to eat I mean I've been in this slump since college started and I've been eating once a day a lot of days and sometimes no food at all | self.depression |
I can't deal with social anxiety It's just terrible and makes my depression even worse, I don't feel safe anywhere even at home (there's always somebody). I don't want to be all alone etc. but I need to spend at least some time lonely, thinking about everything, I used to go to abandoned places and roofs but it's very hard to acces these in my country, I don't feel safe, I'm paranoid and anxious | self.depression |
I Have Nothing Going For Me. Hi I'm a 14 yr old male and I have nothing going good in life for me....
I have a small group of friends and one of them is my crush the thing is he's straight and I'm gay. It's sucks and I've told everyone I'm over it when I'm not. My grades aren't good I feel like an idiot . All my friends are smart except me . I try my best in school but I'm never good enough. I can't concentrate on anything for more than a hour and is why?! Lastly two of my friends are stressing me out all day but I can't get rid of them . The first friend makes fun of everything I do and my weight and it hurts a lot. The second friend hits me every time I say anything minor he disagrees with. I ask my parents about this and they say it's "boys being boys " idk if I can take this much longer. | self.offmychest |
I'm kind of freaking out... A lot going on Ok so tomorrow (or I guess today since it's 2:16am) I start my very first day at work. This is all fine and dandy I was a bit nervous already but now I realized I never emailed my manager back to confirm my hours so that has me freaking out a little...
Next I'm also going to see a car, which would be my very first own car and while I know it's obviously going to take a while to find a good car, etc, this car has everything I want and I'm really hoping it works out well and that also has me worried.
Then school as usual is a hard thing sometimes especially math for me which I can just not focus on sometimes and tests and everything I haven't even started studying for.
All in all I'm starting to feel myself become more hypo I guess and I'm freaking out getting anxiety it's not combining all too well in my head. I'm yelling at people and I can't sleep. Just thought I had to vent a little, thank you. | self.bipolar |
I'm ok, I want to send you this letter. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I want to kill myself I’m in a relationship with someone who I don’t deserve. We recently went on vacation together and on a couple of the nights, I became super moody and depressed. She told me she still enjoyed the vacation after I apologized, but I know she’s lying to spare my feeling because she knows I’m sporadically suicidal. I ruined a vacation she needed after working a couple of 80 hour weeks because I’m a selfish piece of shit. I need to end it all to get her out of this so she can be with someone else who is competent at life.
Twist: I’m way too much of a coward to actually do it now even though it’s time :(. I can’t picture my poor mom having to go through this. Once my parents are dead, I’ve made a promise to myself to kill myself no matter what to atone for my past deeds like this. Can’t wait. | self.SuicideWatch |
I don’t know why I’m posting anymore I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. Things are so bad they seem in no way ever reversible. I’ve tried fixing things and now no matter how hard I think, how hard I try to imagine, I can’t think of anything that would or could help me anymore. I don’t have any friends, but part of that is due to the fact that I don’t trust people anymore. So no person is going to come along and save me, I’m too far gone to be friend-worthy. I doubt medication would help me. I feel like I’m starting to lose my grasp on reality, it’s like everything that I’ve ever known, everything in my brain is crumbling around me and I’m losing the sanity to even try to survive. Even now as I’m typing this I keep staring into the darkness of the room and my mind starts to feel like it doesn’t exist, or maybe like it’s not mine. I don’t know how but my depression has hit me so hard it’s starting to cause more serious mental issues and for the first time in years I feel scared. I don’t know many things but one thing I’ve learned from years of experience is that your own mind is the most terrifying thing in this world.
I don’t even know what I wrote here, I don’t have the energy to reread, I’m so tired. I just want to sleep and every time I do I hope it’s the last time. | self.depression |
Tips for improving anxiety levels. After having very severe anxiety my whole life, I've slowly been overcoming it. I've gone through panic attacks, somatic body pain, choking, and depersonalization and agoraphobia. I'm not 100% cured or anything, but I've recovered an awful lot. Here are some things that have helped me.
1) Be kind to yourself. And your anxiety.
I notice a lot of people on here are so hard on themselves about every little thing. It's no wonder they are nervous wrecks! I've been there, I understand. So learn to be kind to yourself. Give yourself compliments. Try to give yourself some understanding for your struggles. Talk sweetly to yourself in front of a mirror. Take care of yourself in various ways. You deserve it, everyone does.
Also, yelling at your anxiety has a similar effect. It just makes the anxiety worse. Instead welcome the anxiety. Talk sweetly to the anxiety, reassure the anxiety. Say "Come and get me anxiety" or at the very least try to accept it.
2) Aim for good enough, not perfection.
If you have unrealistic expectations of yourself, you're not gonna be very relaxed are you? Imagine a drill sergeant yelling at you for every little mistake. Are you doing that to yourself? Unfortunately you can't overcome perfectionism perfectly. You have to do it slowly and moderately. Work on your expectations, and try to make choices that are more moderate.
3) Give yourself options.
I just realized this recently. A lot of my anxiety was from not giving myself options. I felt like I HAD to stick things out always. Like I couldn't have setbacks or change my mind. I used to stick myself in conversations with people or try to conquer fears and just try to muscle through it all, without giving myself the choice to end the conversation or walk away. If you feel like you only have one choice, and everything is DO OR DIE. Of course you're gonna feel anxious.
4) Speak up for yourself and your needs in an assertive way, set boundaries.
Not gonna lie, I was terrified as hell when I first started doing this. But it felt so god damned empowering to considerately ask for what I needed. "Hey, can I have a few minutes of silence, I'm feeling overwhelmed?" "Do you mind helping me with this?" "Can you contribute in this way?" "I'm feeling cranky, and can use some space." Still something I'm working on but it helps a lot. Also, anyone who just ignores your boundaries is probably not someone you should be around.
5) Identify which thoughts and anxieties are realistic and which aren't.
It's tough, but I've slowly been working through anxieties and fears. And a lot of them are very irrational. Which I acknowledge when they pop up. But some of them are completely normal and healthy. Someone drives a car next to you at night and stops? Healthy anxiety. You have anxiety about an interview for your dream job the next day? Normal. You have anxiety about going on your first date with someone? Normal.
Anyways, that's what I've learned, hope it helps you guys! Good luck.
PS: Exercise, taking deep breaths and loving kindness meditation also help. | self.Anxiety |
I bailed last minute on a road trip to see family... The thought of being stuck in a car with my mom on the mass and jersey pikes the day after Thanksgiving made me sick to my stomach. I got all packed and was heading out the door with tears in my eyes when my saint of a mother took pity on me and told me to stay home. Now I feel sick for making my sweet and generous mom make the drive and deal with her sisters alone | self.Anxiety |
I have been awake for 10 hours in the past two days. [deleted] | self.depression |
Seeing intent in everything Does anyone else have the problem where they can't help but see intent in everything that people do? Like every time someone says or does something that offends you in the slightest, you feel like they have some intention to hurt you? Or that every person has an ulterior motive that you have to 'figure out.' I really feel that this is part of the illness to be paranoid of everyone. But maybe it's not. What do you guys think? | self.bipolar |
Almost over the edge I almost walked into the ER yesterday. feel like I'm about to be kicked out of the house soon. So I've been freaking out a lot since yesterday. Also been drinking. Don't know what to do | self.SuicideWatch |
Hold me, please... I wish someone would just come over and hold me, and we wouldn't have to talk or anything, and it wouldn't have to mean anything. Good luck to all of you today that are having a hard time! | self.depression |
i just have to get this out so i went to prom with the girl i like
we had fun
and i texted her asking if shed wanna go out sometime and she said she didnt want a relationship right now cause of college and shit, which im not upset at her at all for and i dont blame her for any of the shit im going through
and it is a bit of stress relieved but
i cried about it and i cut again and this was deeper than the other times
and im counting the cuts and i have around 50 on my one arm that have broken the skin in the past week alone
and people are noticing them, my mom noticed them and shes not mad at me or anything but i feel like im letting them down
and i cant find the motivation to do anything, and im supposed to go to college soon and i have to keep asking for money and shit
im just a bum
and im gonna be 100% honest
if this depression and anxiety doesnt get better significantly before college
im going to od on my meds
theres literally no point
i can barely do the shit im supposed to in school now, and college is like school x10
ill just be a burden on society
i told my mom i was scared of college and how i was gonna fail out and she said she wasnt gonna let me go
but holy shit
i cant do this much longer
im dying every day
and i was hoping getting someone i care about would give me a purpose but
its not happening
rant over im sorry | self.depression |
I need help. I've had depression for years now. It's gotten progressively worse, and I'm afraid I've finally reached my breaking point. My fiance left me, and I can't blame her. But now I have nobody, and no plans.
I call the hotlines, and they ask me what I want to accomplish, and what I want from life. And my answer is the same. Nothing. Nothing sounds appealing. If I won a billion dollars, I'd still feel stale, empty.
I don't have insurance, so I can't get medicine or help. I feel like I've run out of excuses to put the gun down. I can't wake up to another day. I just can't. I reach out to people, but nobody notices, or tries to help. Everyone is moving at a pace I can't keep up with.
I'm stuck in a cold dead town in Indiana. The only jobs are in menial dead end factories. I have no neighbors, and there are few activities besides drinking. My home, if you can call it that, is falling apart around me. I'm just so alone and useless.
What do I do? Where do I start? Or is it finally time to go to sleep one last time? | self.SuicideWatch |
Trigger Watching these celebrities faking happiness on TV sickens me.
| self.depression |
So sick of this abusive relationship. Might as well drive my car off a bridge and die | self.SuicideWatch |
Taking 1mg melatonin with sertraline? I’ve been taking 50mg of sertraline for around 5 weeks now. Everything is fine other than I cannot sleep! Literally 4 hours of sleep a night for the past few nights, I wake up wide awake, like this morning at 4am. I’m also sick which also makes it harder to sleep. A nurse practitioner recommended melatonin but I’m a little wary. Does anyone have any experience with it? | self.Anxiety |
Some people have multiple college degrees like a PhD-mba-MD I can barely get out of fucking bed to work 25-35 hrs a week at McDonald's...
Life is such a joke, at 25 I could've been a Dr by now or anything... whatever at least I can drink a bottle of vodka and Jack off crying until I fall asleep. | self.depression |
I got a job!!! Valet for a hospital that's only like, ten blocks from my house! They're working with my custody schedule!
I've been borrowing money since April to pay bills!!! I'm so fucking stoked right now!!!!!!!! | self.bipolar |
How did you get over sex anxiety? First time posting here, but I really need some advice on this. I’m 22, female, and a virgin. Two years ago I left my crushing and stifling religion behind, but I kind of internalized every single awful, stupid, and judgmental thing they imparted to me about sex. Namely that it hurts to have and women don’t ever like having it and it’s just the guy taking advantage of you and he never really cares about you unless you’re married to him.
Now, I KNOW all these things are not true, certainly not in all cases, but I can’t stop being absolutely terrified about it nonetheless. I may be in a position to have it in about a month and I get so freaked out and embarrassed and feel sick just talking about it with that potential partner, even though they are a close friend of mine and in theory I would not be averse, and it may even be ideal, to “losing it” with them.
This is not a good place to be in, I want to be less afraid of a simple act that pretty much every human accomplishes without issue, but I’m so unused to that kind of stuff being casual and no big deal, to the point where if I accidentally click on a porn vid, I’ll probably gasp and close my entire browser. How did you get over the shame and the taboo to have a healthy and responsible attitude towards sex, rather than being paranoid at its very mention? | self.Anxiety |
Exercise, diet and sleep - the holy trinity for a healthy mind [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Some days I wish nobody would talk to me, or every day [deleted] | self.depression |
I feel lost, I want to leave. My grandma, who was my best friend and second mother passed away in September. I didn't even get to say goodbye. My grandpa is sad and alone now while I'm hours away at university.
I was raped last week. By someone who I thought was my friend.
I think my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 and a half years is going to shit.
This guy I thought I connected with just ghosted me even though I confided in him and thought he was supportive.
I lost so many friends these few weeks especially after the rape because they think it's my fault.
I've been depressed for years. I had an attempt to years ago and after that I was supposed to do better. This year was supposed to be better. And nothing is going right.
I'm at the point that I don't even care about how my family will feel. I don't feel guilt like I used to. They'll get over it. I'm just sick of being here.
I'm taking antidepressants, an antianxiety/psychotic. I go to my classes, I see people, I go to my wrestling practices... I do everything I'm supposed to but nothing feels right. | self.SuicideWatch |
Suicide Hotline Operator? Would it be a bad idea to become a suicide hotline operator? It feels so soothing helping people here. Or maybe they don't want people who are depressed and maybe suicidal? I know it's an HR mess with all other companies. | self.SuicideWatch |
Adderall withdrawal Psychiatrist put me on new meds and told me to hold off on the Adderall until my mood disorder is under control. He prescribed me latuda and lamictal. But the Adderall withdrawals are tough. Anybody been through these withdrawals and have any helpful insight. | self.bipolar |
Is it too much to ask for some advice? (IF THIS POST ISN'T ALLOWED HERE PLEASE SPECIFICALLY TELL ME WHERE TO POST THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I'm very tired of making these posts in other subreddits and them telling me that post isn't valid there or some shit.
I'm not happy with my major(Business Admin.) and I want to change it, but my college might not let me. When I've mentioned getting out of Business Admin the advisers I've spoken to didn't seem very responsive. I'm just so tired of being in majors and taking classes that I have zero passion for. I'm about to be a college Junior and I'm already getting so burnt out from college.
I want to be a Data Analyst but I just feel like there's no way I'll be able to do this with my current road. What I wanna do with data analytics is analyze how businesses operate, consumer behavior, workplace behavior, and economic environments while trying to figure this all out using big numbers. I have no idea if a job like this really exists but just typing that all out makes me really want to do that.
I guess what makes me depressed and not happy is I just feel like no one really..... gets what I want. The business school I'm apart of just seems up in its own ass and I'm already prepared to fight like hell to get what I need out of the school but just thinking about that makes me so tired. | self.depression |
Depression and exercise Everyone tells me to exercise but I just...can’t. I am so drained with this depression. Anyone else feel this way? | self.bipolar |
Is it a good decision to give up SSRI without telling my doctor? I’m (m) 21 years old been on fluoxetine (Prozac) for 1 year and 8 months. I’m a student and maintains a healthy body. I think I have had depressive symptoms for about 5 months and when my first panic attack came, I felt like I need pro help.
Over these months I learned new ways to cope with anxiety and panic situations. At first my doctor suggested Alprazolam together with fluoxetine and after 2 weeks I was back to normal state (Tailed off Alprazolam). Earlier, I took 20mg pill (fluoxetine) daily and as my condition got better I was told to take one pill for two days.
Simultaneously, I continued doing some relaxation techniques, exercise (thrice a week), play with friends, meditate, and writing down my feelings. Now I’m confident that I can manage panic. But still I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to manage depressive episodes if that happens again in future.
I always believe that I can get well even without the help of meds (they always have a temporary effect). I always wanted to stop meds (only if I can) because taking medicine affects my mood, (zombie effect) behaviour and personality indirectly. However today I have my life back thanks to them.
Once I tried to discontinue the pill suddenly and had withdrawal symptoms. So I don’t want to take that risk again. And I don’t want to take meds for the rest of my life. I’ll be visiting my doctor again within next 2 weeks. At present I don’t have any depressive episodes.
In the morning I feel slightly an increased heart beat and that’s all. Still I need to reschedule my eating, sleeping, and bathing patterns. Do you thing that I’ll be fine and be able to go without meds? | self.depression |
I masturbate to deal with anxiety How do I change this? | self.Anxiety |
School work and hypomania? Never been diagnosed but sure I'm on the verge of it. I've been in a mood the last few days were I want to do everything and nothing at the same time. I want to go to the store for no reason vs I want to just lay here, hey let's clean the whole apartment vs nah let's sit here etc. I either have BPD or bipolar, maybe both.
I find it incredible hard to deal with my college work when I feel like this I can try and do it but I can't focus. Or I get overwhelmed. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel or what to do. I'm new to meds I don't know what's wrong with me. It's happened before meds but normally worse, I don't know if I can use a mixed episode as an excuse for missing work when I'm not formally diagnosed. My school is aware of my mental health. Should I schedule an appointment with my shrink? I don't see him till may I can go in sooner if I need to, I see my psychologist Tuesday. Just I don't know what to do I think I was on the up side of getting things in check. | self.bipolar |
Do I have bipolar disorder? I have been diagnosed Bipolar II. But the quality of public health care is low where I live. They dont even take time to really check you out.
Once you get the diagnosis the doc wont change his mind.
I dont have Mania Episodes. I rarely to never have Hypo Mania. Cant remember the last one.
What I can say is that my mental health has been deriroitating the last years. Especially the last year. I am very unstable. I feel strong nervousness, restlessness, I get into weird moods, I become upset by very little things, get into fights with people, get very angry at people. Social life is gone. Bad concentrations. I have no goals. I dont do much. I get up and dont do much all day.
I am on anti-psychotics. Because if I am not on anti-psychotics I feel like I am being torn apart, all sort of thoughts come up, I search for meaning in religion, spirituality, philosophy - think, do long walks alone. I feel like my life is falling all apart. Nothing means much anymore. Food doesnt really tastes good, I have no excitment, I am not looking forward to anything. Yet I dont feel really depressed. More indifferent and empty.
I dont feel much on the anti-psyotics, but when I am not on them I go wild and crazy. I want to feel a little bit of that but also be normal.
Thank you for reading. | self.bipolar |
It’s not normal to feel lost, is it? I want help, but I don’t know what will help me. I’m not going to live past 20.
I give up. I’m done. I don’t know the things I do and my personality is crap. I don’t know why I treat my mother horribly even though my life has been pretty much the ideal for people who aren’t in a good situation and want the easy life. I treat people like shit and fake being nice to everyone else. I get bored. My grades are shit. I don’t know if I’m depressed or not. Maybe? I don’t know. I’m so goddamn lost. I’ve looked for professional help and got it. I’ve taken classes. I’ve had therapists. Maybe it’s because I don’t have friends? Maybe it’s because I’m a minor my feelings are dismissed as some bullshit? Maybe I’m inexperienced? I don’t fucking know. And this isn’t some kind of “I know, but don’t really want to admit it.” Bs. I really have no clue and apparently that can’t be an answer to something. I’m so lost.
I want help, man. I’m afraid this shit won’t get better. My mom and I hate each other. My dad and my mom are divorced because he cheated on her. I know that shit isn’t my fault. Never was. That’s their problem. I don’t comfort my mom because I don’t see it as big deal. It happens fucking everywhere. I don’t know why I feel happy or sad or mad or upset or anything. I feel like every time I scream to let something out there’s always a little bit left that I can’t get rid of no matter how I try and I don’t know what it is. My mom loves me but I’m so bored. I’m bored and I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to commit suicide because honestly I think it’s cowardly but I just don’t know where to go or what to do. I have no motivation for anything. I have no passion. I’m not lonely I’m just there. I blend in with the crowd. Am I background noise in my own story line? I don’t know. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.
I just don’t know and I want help. But no one fucking knows why or how.
My eyes are blurry. I can’t see.
I’m scared. I don’t think this will get better. | self.offmychest |
I feel like depression has ruined me. I attempted suicide three years ago.
I got some help - I'm on meds now, I did therapy, the whole damn thing. I honestly don't feel like they did anything but pull me an inch or two back from the brink. I feel like I ruined my life with my depression and inability to function for those couple of years.
I attempted shortly after getting out of college, and my severe depression kept me from finding a job. Now I'm three years out and I've never managed to get one. I'm unemployable because I spent so long just trying not to die. I have a large amount of student loan debt I'm never going to be able to pay off because it's collecting interest while I can't find work.
I also gained a significant amount of weight. I've been trying to work on it and I've failed that over and over, too.
I lost touch with all my old friends. I reach out to them and they just don't answer. I can't blame them - I dropped everything, including them. I just hate it.
I don't have any resources with which to rebuild my life. I cannot imagine how any of this gets better. You'd think I'm fairly young but I don't have anything or any energy and I hate where I am so much. | self.SuicideWatch |
Sitting in the parking lot at work Wondering how long it would take, if I blew my brains out, for someone to find my dead body. I have dark tint on all of my windows. A couple of days? A week? Imagine my car getting towed because they think it is abandoned. Then it goes up for auction and they find my dead body and brain matter all over inside of it. | self.SuicideWatch |
You guys make me feel less alone It sucks that we have to go through it, it sucks that anxiety is so hard to talk about in real life, but reading all these stories I can relate to online makes me feel less crazy and less alone in the world. Makes me realise everyone has their own struggles and that things can get better, maybe. | self.Anxiety |
I just turned 23 and I’ve been lonely for as long as I can remember. Does it ever get better? [deleted] | self.depression |
I got a zero on my assignment and I dropped from an A- to a D...:( So today, I went over to check my grades, and lo and behold, my grade in Chemistry had updated to a D. It went from a 91% to a 66%, and why? Apparently it was because I did not turn in a lab paper. I asked all my friends hoping it was a mistake but they all said that they turned it in because my teacher had asked for it a week later. I don't know why but I don't remember my teacher asking for it at all. It's not that I don't remember, it's that I never even knew about it. I'm not sure if I may have been at the bathroom or getting something at my locker at the time but what should I do? I don't know if my chemistry teacher will let me turn it in. I'm really stressed right now, I can't have a D in chemistry because my parents are asian and they are gonna be all over me about it. I have already sent him an email about it and I am waiting for a response. Anyone have any advice? What should I say to my chemistry teacher? I'm new to Reddit so I don't really know all of the subreddits and where this one belongs so I figured this was the best place.:() | self.offmychest |
Found out that the SH pics sub is gone. I’m going to do it this time. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Every time I’m about to get laid Hi all! So thought I’d post this on here as it has nowhere else to go and I don’t really think it can be helped. If any of you have had the same experience or know if I’m just unlucky then do feel free to comment lol
So, I am a virgin. And every time I am about to lose said virginity, I get on my period. This has happened twice, about to be three times, the first two happened when I got invited to parties, my period came on, thought nothing of it but nearly got laid both times, the rest? Absolutely no physical contact whatsoever with anyone. This third time, my period hasn’t been here for almost 6 weeks, so I can GUARANTEE it will come on next week, which is when I am seeing someone who I would possibly get lucky with.
Is it just that Mother Nature hates me? Or perhaps superstition? No idea but it’s annoying as anything when every time I’m destined for glory my uterus tells me tough shit and starts ruining my week.
TLDR; On my period every time the opportunity of losing my virginity comes up | self.offmychest |
Why is suicide such a big deal? 28 years old, living back with my parents, and eating edibles is the only thing that keeps me from murdering my family or throwing myself off a building. But I don’t feel sad. Why does killing oneself have to be connected with sadness?
However, I am a coward. I will not go back to the hospital where I will be pumped with medication, and I will not speak to my friends who live across the world and really have had enough of this bipolar life. I don’t trust these friends because they believe that they know what’s best for me and all they love is themselves.
I’m so tired. I’m exhausted from living in chaos for the past 19 years. I don’t have the stamina to continue. I think it’s time is nearing. I’ve made my peace with it. And I’m not going to start crying until someone pays attention to me like some mentally ill narcissist. I’ve let go of all the what if’s of my life and have decided to end it. It’s so ridiculous that suicide is illegal. It’s like the government wants to keep humans miserable for the rest of their life without an escape.
But I’m a coward, remember? So, I’m not going to do shit. I’m just going to sit in my misery and become the exact thing I told myself I would never be. | self.bipolar |
I could have killed a man I used to work as an armed security officer in a really bad area.
One night this older man starts yelling at some patrons of the convince store I was working at. I went up to him and tried to talk him down and defuse the situation peacefully.
I had talked him down when someone else instigated him back to being loud and belligerent I kept trying to talk him down and I asked one of the workers of the store to call 911 just incase.
He drew a knife on me and I shoved him away from me hard drew my weapon and yelled at him multiple times to drop his knife or I would shoot. I noticed when I shoved him he had a vest on under neath his tank top.
I stood there pointing my weapon at his chest shouting at him to drop the knife and yelled the police are on the way they won't be as patient as I am. I guess that resonated with him because after I said that he just booked it out of there.
According to the Police after I gave them the description of events they said that he was wanted in connection with 2 other homicides.
I didn't squeeze the trigger because no matter how much of an ass this guy was he was still a person, with a family that loved him. I know he wasn't thinking about that for me, but he still is a person.
He was arrested 2 weeks later and convicted of his crimes, and I quit my job because I didn't want to have be the deciding factor if someone lived or died. | self.offmychest |
Undiagnosed Not too long ago I realized that I have a bipolar disorder almost for 5 years now. And it solved all of my problems: now I know what’s exactly wrong with me.
I feel like getting away with murder, because no one knows about it. I don’t want to disappoint everyone so I keep putting off the visit to doctor to get my mental health checked. I feel insecure because there’re days when I feel alright and even forget about it.
The paper with bipolar disorder diagnose may ruin my life. It’s like a label which can make a person a mentally ill psychopath forever and no one would like to have any business with someone like that.
I’m very insecure about it.
Normally I would feel alright for 2 weeks, then super motivated/happy/social (out of nowhere) for a week, and after than everything literally goes down to shit. I begin feeling very tired, can’t fall asleep at night, avoid everyone, can’t handle anything…
And I feel insane right now. My head hurts and I feel like I should go to sleep but I can’t, I just want to die.
I’m scared to go outside, scared of people noticing me acting strange. I hoped these holidays would be amazing. I don’t know what should I do. Help
| self.bipolar |
I've spiraled into a mess that I don't think I can get out of I'm 19 years old and don't really know why I'm living.
I feel like something is really wrong with me and I'm deeply horrified that I'll never feel like a human being. I get overwhelmed with everything and I don't know why. I don't want to die. I just want to be somewhere far away from where I am.
I'm failing my college classes, all of them. I don't know. I just stopped going. My parents don't know. I don't care anymore. For a few days I feel good and carefree and blow off all my shit to have fun, but then a few days after I can't get over how I'm such a fuck-up, but I can't pull myself out. I can't focus on anything.
I've never had a job and I feel like a loser admitting that. I feel so unstable that I'm having a meltdown about going about it. I have no clue what I'm doing.
I keep seeing and smelling things in nature that keep reminding me of when I was a kid and I felt so healthy. Now I just feel exhausted and so estranged from everyone around me. I just feel so emotionally raw and then numb a lot. When I was a kid my mother choked my brother right in front of me, my vision got all fuzzy and I just stared back at my DS and continued playing. It's a really weird emotion. I panicked the other day and just grabbed my shit and fled the house and peeled out of there. When I panic, I just lose control of my limbs and mouth, then my vision distorts.
I've been around so many fights in my house. I get anxious that one of my family members is going to just pull a knife out and stab me to death. I grew up thinking about my dad losing his mind because of all the fights and then shooting us all down. I've started to cut myself again recently. I feel so tense all the time, I'm going to lose it. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry. | self.depression |
it's over i tried patching things up from the group but nothing is working.
they all hate me, and the one person i have left doesn;t want anything to do with me
i can't stand the fact that one fight ruined everything
i can't fix it
i can't
i want to fucking die
i just want a friend. i want someone to love me. i want someone to care, i just don't want to be alone anymore.
i'm done. i hate this. i'm alone.
i want to fucking die | self.SuicideWatch |
Dealing with Hypomanic Consequences months later Hey everyone,
I was experiencing a lot of hypomania this summer during an intense festival art installation I was leading which influenced me to make some decisions that weren't wise that I'm paying the cost of now. I'd really love to hear your experiences with dealing with all the shame and low self-esteem that can happen from things like this....
Personal vent:
Long story short I was leading a big project of my dreams and ended up giving out 20 future instrument commissions (I make steel tongue drums) for trades that didn't really pay off--- I had a volunteer assistant running the logistics and ended up practically wasting like 8 of these commissions and have been tearing myself apart for letting this happen, since now I'm struggling to make ends meet and have a bunch of unpaid work to do while trying to pay off other debts.
tl;dr - how do you relate with the consequences of shitty hypomanic decisions you've made and feel better about yourself? | self.bipolar |
I'm kinda really tired of the universe constantly seeming to screw me over. Hi, I'll start by probs saying Im young, I know, and things could be way way way worse. I know. And this will be really long, I bet, bt I've been holding it for some weeks now and shit. But anyway.
I recently finished high school, and ive been really fucking worried and anxious I was gonna be utterly screwed when it happened because I have no goals, ambitions, or really direction on what to do with myself. And I was right, and spent a few days of the first week kinda just crying because I had no fucking clue what I should even do or go or anything. I still, at the very least, had my computer and could drive and shit. Then, of fucking course, my computer breaks. Now I have basically nothing to do whatsoever because I obs can't drive every single day, so I have nothing other than occasionally go to work. Then, of fucking course, I get flashed by a speeding camera because I was stupid little moron and got a bit ahead of myself. Now, my mum doesnt really trust me to drive much at all. Which I get, but I don't fucking know. I hopefully won't get a thing, but idk.
Then I also have to see my dad consantly, who I hate, I've put on weight and probably overeat, and have lost basically all motivation to keep doing regular exercise, I hate myself far far more than I did beforehand and I can't even have little victories anymore. I fucking suck at games, I always get fucked over when I DO drive, I lost my only good and favorite beanie. On top of all this shit, too, I'm still a stupid trans idiot and I have no idea how I'm supposed to tell my fucking italian, super traditional family, if i even CAN, and the thing that had to make me feel better, a wig and whatever, honestly just makes me feel worse now. And my internet friend today asked if I'd be okay with him seeing me, and I felt like utter shit saying I kind of wouldn;t.
I have basically nothing other than one TV show and my dog, and even he gets sick of my shit most of the time. I fucking hate life way more than I did before, and I just don't understand why all this shit has to happen to me. I dont really think I do too much bad shit, and I can't just even have one tiny little fucking win anymore.
TLDR: I'm a useless, over-eating miserable trans piece of shit who life seems to constantly screw over. | self.offmychest |
You know I like her, why TF would you say that? My "friend" just talked me down a fuck ton and insulted me a load of times. While he was talking to my crush. I told him the other day, like 2 days ago, and we have talked about her. WHY would he say that. Conversation is welcome. | self.offmychest |
I want to kill mylef I can't fucking take it anymore
I've lost all my friends this school year and none of them talk to me anymore. People fucking hate me nobody likes me at all I have a trash sense of humor, I look ugly as fuck and I fucking hate how anxious I am I am always fucking scared to go talk to people my fucking heart beats out of my chest I can't handle it any longer I want to end it all and kill me I can't keep on feeling like this my heart hurts
Im a fucking failure at school, everybody hates me, my parents hate me, my teachers hate me and I don't even know..
I can't..
I miss them I feel horrible...
and no one notices a thing.. no one asks.. no one talks.. no one mentions me..
I can't stand being me
I hate myself | self.SuicideWatch |
I Lack The Courage to Die Always lacked the courage to face the unknown. I fantasize about it when I'm alone.
What happens when it all goes black, will my brain still feel under attack.
The void is calling my name, but I don't know if im ready to stake my claim.
In a body that wants live, with a mind that wants to give in.
Maybe the voices in my head are right, I have no right to survive.
There's no way my thoughts can coincide. I guess my story ends with a suicide. | self.depression |
Step-Sil accidentally hurt my Mom's feelings in a bad way. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Feeling VERY agitated about ECT I'm not usually easily triggered, but there was a post on here the other day about someone being forced to have ECT even without a incompetency hearing and family didn't even get a say in it. The person wasn't even catatonic or anything - in my mind there can't really be justification for "emergency" ECT. Being forced to have ECT is one of my biggest fears. The whole procedure seems terrifying (yes, I know it's not like the movies and they're given anesthesia and muscle relaxers... But I've seen a video of it being done and they still shake and clench their teeth (I have lockjaw (not the tetanus kind) and can't even open my mouth 20mm... They wouldn't even be able to get the mouthguard in and I have horrible jaw pain)). I couldn't get medically cleared for the procedure because of my jaw, right?! I've researched it a lot (peer-reviewed journal articles) and the short term benefits don't, in my mind, outweigh the possible long term cognitive damage. I'm writing a report (complete with references) for my psychiatrist to make out clear that I am not a candidate for ECT under ANY circumstance.
Can anyone tell me I'm being irrational??????? As in, I want to be told no one can force it upon me. That poster was from Australia and apparently doctors can give ECT without consent from patient or even family. I'm in Canada and I'm pretty sure your substitute decision maker can veto... Can an advanced directive 100% guarantee that it won't be forced on me??? I'm going absolutely crazy over this. I've even read the entire Mental Health Act but I'm not convinced doctors always adhere to it and do what they THINK is best. I guarantee that no doctor would agree to have ECT even if they were a candidate for it.
I don't want people posting about how ECT "is not that bad." In fact, I want people to share their bad experiences. I get that it works great for some people, but please please please please don't force it on me!!!!! Doesn't help that I just watched an episode of Stranger Things where ECT was forced upon someone.
I'm in tears and shaking because of this. | self.bipolar |
I feel like recent anxiety has beaten the life out of me. I feel like a ghost. Recent events have ruined me due to being thrown into a new level of anxiety. I've had bad issues with anxiety and depression, but I used to crack jokes, be lighthearted at meetings, have input and be able to converse with lots of people. These past few months I just feel detached from the world. I have no desire to try and be humorous and to try and connect with anyone. I feel like a flat piece of cold ice, detached and depersonalized like I'm a ghost in this world. I've even been avoiding my local brewery which is my comfort zone and greatest haven with most of the people I like to actually be around. I hope this is temporary. I hope it's just the external circumstances of my life right now that are driving me to this state. | self.Anxiety |
I feel like I don’t relate to anyone, even on here.. [deleted] | self.depression |
I just want to put this out there. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've had self esteem issues for my entire life. It seems almost comforting to shove myself down and think nothing of myself. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, and sometimes I just get really low. I don't even know why I have these issues, I'm doing great in school, I have a lot of friends, my parents love me and give me support, and I'm on antidepressants. What's wrong with me, why do I hate myself so much? | self.depression |
IVs & Shots I was just wondering if anyone has the same reaction when having blood drawn, injection for anything, or any needle going into your body. Whenever I have to receive a shot, or have my blood drawn, I start to have an anxiety/panic attack before anything happens. The thought of a needle piercing my skin makes my mind spiral out of control. The pain is nothing, I can take pain, it's just the thought of the needle. When I actually do receive the shot I'm fine for a minute or so, then my body starts to go in the fight or flight response, my world starts to go black and I feel like I just have to get out, but I have no where to go, so I will literally throw up. My doctor and nurses know this, I know them by name and the whole office knows me by name because I have been in there so many times checking different medications for anxiety and depression. I had to get blood drawn the other day and I told them that I was going to get sick, so they put me in a special room, while they are getting everything ready I was cracking jokes but shaking, they stick me and I look away and she takes 3 viles in about 10-15 seconds (or thats what it seemed like) because I was so hydrated and my veins are large. I tried listening to music while she was doing this but after she pulled the needle out is when everything started to go black and I had to get on the ground and throw up in the trashcan. They allowed me to sit there and drink a sprite for awhile but I literally felt like I was dying, like i always do when this happens. In turn, I am always afraid to be sick and have to go to the hospital and have an IV since i will be stuck there with it or get blood drawn. I'm not sure what to do! Thank you. | self.Anxiety |
I am disgustingly overcompetetive I just had to cheat didn't I. I just couldn't stand the thought of dying so I cheated. I am so embarrassed. Why didn't I just lose like any other person would have done. Its not like my team was going to win. We were behind hundreds of points, but I still chose to cheat. I lied and cheated and I can't stop thinking about it. And I am still lying to cover it up. | self.offmychest |
Hate being ignored, yet ignore others. Who else deals with this insanity? | self.depression |
I feel like the world doesn't want me. This is dumb. I know. i don't even know how to talk about my problem without sounding like some dumb hoe. i guess beating myself up like that isn't helping. i just feel so upset and ashamed.
I consider myself an attractive girl. People tell me all the time, and I'm confident in my appearance for the most part. but I haven't have a boyfriend in about 4 and a half years. theres some reasonable reasons for that, like I was dealing with sexual assaults and ptsd and stuff. but i feel so lonely, and it feels dumb to admit but I want a boyfriend so very badly at this point in my life. and all the evidence of my last 4 and a half years suggests that every guy wants to bang me, no one wants to date me.
There was a guy I was working with and hooking up with, he's a couple years younger than me. I knew it would never be anything serious, but he's a cool guy to talk to and hang out with. anyway, today he made it pretty clear that he's hooking up with another girl we work with.. who's 14 years older than him. (he's 21, she's 35 with an 8 year old son) I realized thats why he just ignored me the other day.
So that happened, and I'm embarrassed to admit how jealous I was. I had a friend to hang out with after work so I was doing okay.
More back story, a guy I had been hooking up with before this kid I work with, who I really wanted to be friends with but never seemed to have time to hang out, unless I hinted that I wanted to hook up. even though he pretty much ended things with me because he said he didn't want to be serious with anyone, and he could tell i was catching feelings. he texted me a half hour ago, 4:30 in the morning saying this "I'm sorry I was busy whenever you texted me these and didn't have the patience or time to respond. Look you need to not take it so personally. Idk what to even tell you honestly :/ I'm sure we will get together in the future! Were just both very busy and I kind of found a significant other I think. I still wanna be your friend though. I do."
It's late, I don't have anyone to talk to. not even the crises texting line has gotten back to me yet. I hate myself. I hate how I push guys away by wanting their attention and affection so badly. I hate how i just hook up with guys all the time to fill up space. I hate that no one wants me. It hurts so badly, how do I make this stop | self.depression |
Cymbalta? I've been on it for about two and a half weeks. It's messing with my sleep...falling asleep before 9, waking up every few hours, not able to sleep past 4 or 5. It took away my anxiety but I have like no thoughts and I'm numb. I'm also super rapid cycling...5 moods in one day rapid cycling. My pdoc won't take me off of it...
Any cymbalta experiences out there? I've heard all about the withdrawal. | self.bipolar |
Please help...I can’t live like this anymore... It’s always an uphill battle, every day my anxiety is derailing my life more and more. I can barely keep track of anything good that’s happening in my life, I overthink my relationship, I dread going to work everyday, I always feel like I never make enough money to do anything I really want to do in life, and as bad as it sounds substance abuse is starting to make things worse. It’s almost 3 pm and I’m already drinking to stop the voices in my head. I probably sound crazy but just want them to stop. I wanna stop overthinking or over analyzing everything, I want to be truly happy. I have no knowledge on anti-anxiety medication so I have no idea what kind of side affects or long term damage I may or may not endure, if this post isn’t clear please let me know but I can’t take this anymore and I really don’t wanna go back to attempting suicide, not again.. | self.Anxiety |
Getting depressed looking at "memories" It's so sad, man. Back when I still had hope | self.depression |
I can't get back to sleep I had an anxiety dream that I can't remember and now I am awake and Everytime I try to calm myself down and relax and breathe deeply to try and go back to sleep I feel like I get more anxious and I'm so tired but I can't get back to sleep because my brain can't calm down and I'm so tired I want to cry I just want to sleep | self.Anxiety |
This is the fun part about suicide When you know you're on your way out and you don't care anymore about anything. Fuck you, boss! Get fired. Oh well, dying anyway! I have some cash to live on, and the day is getting closer and closer anyway. Fuck you, fake-ass friends! Fuck you, gentrifying shitfucks in this hellhole of a town. Go eat your goddamn $20 pancakes and bitch about how they don't sell wine in the liquor store, assholes!
Burning bridges is fun. No going back now. | self.SuicideWatch |
Stuck and driving exam and its making me depressed I began my exam on may 2017. And tbh I could have started 2 years ago but I have a fear of driving exam and instructor with examiner.
I passed the theory test second time but I just cant, I simply cant pass driving tests. I took over 60 lessons of driving. I enrolled 3 times a driving test and failed.
I'm just nervous my heart is pumping, i'm stressed asf, I forget what im supposed to do that in that moment.: what if a bicyclist tress passes me all of the suden
What if i want to tresspas 5 parked cars next to each other in one way street , and then the car from other way will go towards me and we entercept each other to close i will fail.
What if I try entering traffic to early and car from other direction is too near me, I will fail.
Driving Instrucor himself has been yelling at me for over 4 months almost every lesson. I'ts a small town so not much option in them.
Im sick of it: i'm stuck its making me depressed, if i don't pass by next year may i will have to re take whole exam...
The psycologist told me the following: maybe the driving isn't for you.
I mean thats nice, but i live in area where u have to have a car as public transportation is limited, as well as most jobs requrie you to have a drivers licence.
I just don't know what to do anymore
| self.depression |
Buspar for anxiety relief? I have bipolar disorder II w/ ultra rapid cyclig and OCD. Im looking for pharmacological relief for my OCD (I’m already doing cognitive therapy). I can’t take SSRI’s, and the Gabapentin isn’t helping my anxiety. Has any one tried Buspar for anxiety? How did it work as an anxiolytic? Were there any side effects? I take 200mg Lamictal, 8mg abilify and 1350mg of lithium for the bipolar. Thx in advanced. | self.bipolar |
Self Loathing on a Tuesday I'm having a hard day, an exceptionally hard day.
I have this tendency to get into a pattern of just purely hating everything about myself. Everything. Recently, I have changed jobs and spend the majority of my day alone in a car, which has seemed to make things worse. I have unlimited time to criticize and berate myself.
I don't really know why I am posting. I lurk a lot but am not very vocal on Reddit, due mainly to my insecurity. I guess I just need the anonymous internet to hear me, since I can't get myself to talk to anyone else about it.
I spend massive amounts of time with the one person I hate the most: me. I feel trapped in my mind, body, and life.
I'm not okay, and I just needed for someone to hear that.
Edit: format; spelling | self.bipolar |
I don't know if i care a lot or i'm really scared of time. I just had something i could describe as a panic attack almost. It was just cause i thought of how time can separate people so effortlessly. I got really scared cause there is a girl i have kind of a relationship with and i really don't want to lose what we have with her. I got so scared that i started crying and shaking, shivering and feeling cold. What happened to me? And now i don't think i can look at our connection the same way.. My mind was making me experience what i would feel if we were separated and it just hit me like a bunch of trucks, i've dealt with heavy breakups before but just this experience alone was way much stronger. What do i do to look on this relationship in a positive way, without so much fear? | self.offmychest |
How fast have you rapidly cycled? I usually cycle 3-6 weeks depressive followed by 1-3 weeks hypomania. I often eat in a “phase” though in which I will go from suicidal to hypomania up to two times each in one day. When I google rapid cycling it mentions 4 episodes in one year, that seems crazy low. Anyone else experienced this or could it be something else going on? | self.bipolar |
I [16M] have pretty much not heard or seen my best friend [17F] in three weeks She said she needed some alone time, and I mean, that's perfectly reasonable, everybody needs some, so I wasn't worried.
For the first and a half week. Then I started getting worried, and I asked her what was going on, she thanked me for "thinking about her" but she still needed to be on her own... which, okay, but, atleast tell me what's up, you've suddendly gone no contact for almost two weeks after four years of talking to eachother daily, and we both suffer from depression and anxiety so I don't think it's that outworldy for me to be very worried about her.
After another week she posted something on Facebook that more or less said she was a horrible person and she was sorry for hurting those she loved, I wrote her a message saying she wasn't a terrible person, she got mad and asked me to leave her alone, I asked what the hell was going, we argued for about 30 minutes.
Now I'm slowly going into panic because she's been a huge part of my life in the last four years and the one that pushed me to overcome selfharming and to face and learn how to manage panic attacks, and now all of a sudden she's gone and I don't know why and I don't know what I should do, whether I should ask her if she's just tired of my shit but doesn't want to tell me, or move on, or just wait, but... fucking hell, it's already a shitty time for me, I didn't need this added on top of it all.
I don't know what to do. | self.Anxiety |
Pillowcase My poor pillow case. It is all wet on both sides because of my neverending tears. There is no place where I can place my head and rest, if I can't do that in the comfort of my home then what's really left for me out there.
Just a void of emptiness and numbness. That's what I get for feeling unhappy and unloved, even expressing those feelings is apparently triggering to my so called partner. | self.offmychest |
Consensual sex can still traumatise I know it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out.
I was with my ex for just under a year. I know that is not a huge amount of time, but she was the first person I truly loved. I was a full blown alcoholic when I was with her and it caused me profound problems in my life. I was a mess at work, at home, I completely alienated myself. She knew all this, yet she didn't just downplay it, it was almost as if she would intentionally try and trigger it.
I distinctly remember one occasion when she was having a house party and I asked that she wouldn't send me any pictures during the night as I didn't have any alcohol in the house and I was trying to grit my teeth and bear it. She sent me snaps of her drunk friends, the party in full swing, and a line up of all the expensive bottles she had bought. I ended up drinking mouth wash that.
She would try and invite me to her house parties, buy me drinks when we were about. I had very little money so she would often pay for things and it became this weird scenario where she would baby me. Literally. When my anxiety was bad she would read me bed time stories, and we would play roblox and stuff. At the time I quite liked it as I have some profound childhood trauma and the idea of reverting back and have someone take care of me was very appealing. Now, 6 months later, it makes me realise just how powerless I was.
It all came to a head in May. She wanted me to meet her friends at a house party she was throwing. I was very nervous, there would be drinking involved and the last time I had been drinking around other people I had been date raped. That had only happened a year and a half prior. I was still broken from it. I wanted to make an effort though. I told her under no circumstances was I going to have sex with her. Not when I was drunk. That was one of my hard limits.
The night of the party I had drunk half a bottle of vodka and something else but I don't remember exactly. I was surrounded by people I didn't know and I tried so hard but I ended up having a panic attack. I went up stairs to try and sleep it off. I felt guilty and stupid for making such a fool of myself. I cried and cried until, hours later, I finally started to drift.
She woke me up. I was still in a daze and nothing felt quite real. She asked if we could make out. I said we could. We started kissing and then she got on top of me as asked me to go down on her. I froze. Logically I know that she probably wouldn't have forced me if I stood my ground, but in that moment I was 23 again. With someone I considered a friend, who was promising to love me forever as long as I let it happen. I did what I thought I had to do to survive the night. It was consensual, but it still destroyed me.
I loved her so much. I wanted to build a life with her. All of those dreams and hopes withered away and that after the house party. Even now, 7 months later, I still get terrible nightmares where I am back in her bed, and the room is filling up with water, but she has me pinned. I struggle to break through but she holds me down and promises she will never hurt me.
I thought going sober would make it easier, but now I can look back at what happened with clarity. It's not a blur anymore. It's suddenly very real, very painful.
It wasn't rape. I said yes. I wasn't forced. That doesn't make what happened okay. You can still say yes to sex that leaves you broken afterwards. | self.offmychest |
Validation issues or needs not being met? My boyfriend told me he's not a very cuddly person even though I said I love it. So I don't ask anymore. But I think I have been using sex to get his attention, but it's crushing me because it's temporary, and after the high is gone, I feel broken. Not long after, I feel hollow inside, and he goes back to his video games and I play with my phone. What do I do, when we have talked about the problem but not done anything to fix it? Am I making it too complicated? Am I being selfish for wanting results or I feel like I need to move on? I dont think he wants to hurt me, and maybe it's a bipolar overreaction to be acting this way? Why am I so needy? Is this just Mars and Venus differences?
It's starting to remind me of all the things I wasnt getting in my previous marriage. I don't wanna go through that again, but love is a choice we make very day, right? Why can't I make that choice now? | self.bipolar |
Anxiety about sleeping and ceasing to breathe This is a newer source of anxiety for me. It started months ago when I would jolt awake gasping for air with my heart racing. I'd be wide awake for a few hours, sleep for an hour, and then have to get up for work. It wasn't that frequent until a month or so ago when it became a nightly occurrence. Now, that gasping for air feeling has become intertwined with falling asleep in general. Now, I start to drift off and a sudden panic rips through my entire body and I can't stop thinking about how I need to stay awake to keep myself breathing. How on Earth can I make this better? I don't want to take a .25mg Xanax every night, but it's starting to turn into that. I'm getting less and less sleep, which I know isn't doing me any favors.
Any suggestions?
Edit: I get random heart palpitations too, and was getting them prior to taking any medications at all. I went to the ER recently because they were more frequent that day, EKG showed skipped beats but those stopped upon anti-anxiety drug being administered. | self.Anxiety |
I now truly hate my life My heart is hurting. My head is hurting. I was humiliated at work today and I don’t want to go in tomorrow. Don’t want to go in to class or my second job either. I just want to lie in bed.
They told me I was a waste of a worker for standing there and doing nothing despite literally busting my ass all over the place.
Since I apparently let everyone walk all over me so says this boss less than 30 minutes into her shift.
Considering going to an ER this morning for my chest. I just feel pain but I think it’s something.
I wanted to cut my arm earlier but don’t have the guts to. Just like how this boss says I am weak and a failure. | self.SuicideWatch |
Lots of weight gain on citalopram/celexa? Hi there. I started taking citalopram around six months ago and it almost entirely eliminated my anxiety! Yay! But since I started taking it I've gained 25 lbs with no changes in diet. In fact, I spent a month cutting back on my normal diet, walking ~6km back and forth between university daily instead of taking the bus, and *still* gained five more pounds.
My anxiety is way better, but I feel horrible about the weight gain. I don't want to stop taking it but I can't stand my body anymore. Has anyone else experienced this? If you did, did you have better luck on another medication like an SNRI or a different SSRI?
I feel like it's obviously correlated since my weight was stable before, they weighed me the day I was prescribed it, and I have only gained weight since then. I have a doctors appointment next week to discuss it, but I'm worried she'll just say, 'citalopram doesn't cause weight gain to that degree'...
Thank you for any help. | self.Anxiety |
Seeing those true colors come out today has nearly killed me. Thanks for breaking my heart and spirit. I don't want to run into you, ever, but I know it's inevitable and you deserve all the karma you're getting. I loved you; I will never be sorry for that but I loved that drunk caring happy sweet persona. I'm glad you're gone, you need help, seriously. And never tell me I need it because I actually go to therapy, take meds, and try while you drink yourself into a stupor. I'm glad I had my last night with you last night. Never again. | self.offmychest |
Don’t know why this would matter, but here’s how an app has driven me to the brink of suicide More like, the people on that site.
You see, I’m fully aware of how asshole-ish I might come off in this. But the great thing about Reddit is that no one knows me on here, so it’s not like the people I’ll refer to in this post can track me down (if you guys are reading this, I apologize, and you can yell at me privately or something). I want to tell it as it is. No holding back.
(I’m seriously afraid no one will even believe me, or that this is just some sort of fucked up product of my mind. But I don’t think I imagined these two years. It all happened. All behind a tiny screen.)
((And I’m sorry if this violates any rules of this subreddit or anything. I guess I’m just trying to evaluate what went wrong, and how my mind has changed. I’m not really certain. If this post needs to be deleted, then so be it.)
I joined this app in hopes of.. wanting to get away. You see, a couple months before, some friends had gotten me in trouble with the police (long story short, they lied about something huge and it got my family involved). Things were never the same since. I was homeschooled. My family and I grew distant from each other. I just felt alone. Then I came across that app. I created a superhero-based fan page, one may call it, then it branched out into some sort of multifandom shit. I enjoyed being on that site. I enjoyed being able to share what I loved. I made a few friends on there. Everything was amazing. I felt amazing.
But I was still struggling. And it was noticeable. I blame this on myself. I wish I had kept my private life completely private. I wish I hadn’t spoken a single thing about me. A few months later, another account contacted me, telling me stuff like “If you want to talk, I’m here for you” and so forth. Of course they sounded like a nice person. Of course they were nice.
And they were. (I’ll call this person Dave for now. No offense to any Dave’s, but this is a spur in the moment decision and I cannot refer to this person by his actual name.) Dave and I became close friends. He called me his best friend on many occasions. He helped me through so much in my life. When my parents divorced, he was there. When I felt lonely, he was there. When I was being bullied, he was there. When I felt like shit, he was there.
He was always there. And my first mistake on that app was thinking I owed my whole life to him. He became my life. Everything I did was for him. Everything. I loved him. And I think he knew that, all this time. He said he loved me back.
(I know what you’re thinking. “Why did your dumb ass trust a person on the internet?” I want to remind you that he and I were both practically children. Not 12 or shit, no. But we were young and stupid, and not all people on the Internet are pedophilic predators. But this isn’t the point of the story.)
I don’t think he meant it on a romantic level, of course. But I did. Every time. I’m not sure if he really loved me, whether it was as a sibling or friend or more. I’m not sure of anything at this point. But all I know was that I loved him to the point where I would die for him.
And I did. I had attempted suicide before, and he was there to comfort me, and even talk me out of it. He was a good friend.
But one day, something happened. He tried to commit suicide, as well. He was suddenly so angry at everything and everyone. He snapped at me. Then he apologized and left. He made a post about wanting to die, and didn’t respond. Not to my texts (at this point, we had exchanged numbers. For our safety, he said. Just in case.) I panicked. He didn’t respond for hours. And in the heat of the moment, I tried to die, too. I remember thinking that I wouldn’t be able to live without him.
I was so, so stupid and naïve. Then when he came back, I hadn’t. Because I had another attempt. I didn’t return for hours. He was waiting for me when I came back. And he was angry. He never tried to commit suicide. He didn’t even make a post, he claimed. I remember my heart dropping. I remember it so clearly. I remember his anger. His cursing and endless uses of the words “fuck” (fuck you, what the fuck, you are fucking stupid). I thought it was because he was worried at the time, but it... wasn’t.
He was angry because I would have taken away the “glory of his death.”
People were worried about me more so than him. He wanted people to worry. In that post— which was, in fact, real— he talked about how “people didn’t care about him” and etc. I felt like shit after our argument. It was one of the first arguments we’d have in the months to follow.
He began to be more expressive. He’d openly talk about his problems online, as if it was a competition. He’d comment things on other people’s posts that showed a hint of depression, “At least your dad doesn’t...” “At least you don’t have to...” “At least you aren’t failing in...”
Over and over he’d say this to people. I was safe for a while. He’d continue to help me. We had a larger group of friends. I felt happy, but at the same time, deep down, I felt broken and lost. Like I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t have the heart to say anything. He’d always tell me things like, “If I ever go too far, you can keep me in line. I’ll do the same for you.” But whenever people pointed out something in his behavior, he’d lash out. And I’d be his dog. I would lash out at them, too, for upsetting him even in the slightest. I’d excuse his actions with, “He’s going through a rough time. Be more considerate of who you’re speaking to.” This became very expected of me. And I hate myself for ever letting it happen.
Yes, he was in fact going through a rough time. His father wasn’t the best person, and he was failing in school, all while he was trying to earn some money by working every Saturday. He was tired and stressed, and I was just some “rich fucking kid who shouldn’t complain” (as he’s told me later on).
Dave grew more angry by the day. He was angry at everything. And soon, he’d be angry at me, too. He said he was tired of me, wondering why I can’t just take his advice and get better. He’d be angry at me for not waking up on time to talk to him (He was EST, I was PST; I woke up at 4am every morning, including weekends, to talk to him and keep him company, because he felt alone and “no one was ever there even if he’s there for them.”) I kept apologizing, spamming apologies while at the same time trying to keep myself from having panic attacks. He was my friend, and I couldn’t lose him. I wouldn’t have anybody left. Besides, I loved him with all my heart.
Soon enough, I couldn’t take it. I decided to lie about going into a hospital to treat my anorexia. (Something I was actually going through at the time.) He said, and I recall, “Okay.”
It was my chance to kill myself. Again. And so I tried. And I ended up in an actual hospital for more than a week. When I came back, it was as if I hadn’t even left. But what upset me the most was, “Maybe you’ll be a better person, now.”
I knew what he meant. “Maybe you won’t be such a depressing bitch, now.” I stayed silent and thanked him.
Turns out during that time, he grew closer to my friends. I was a little jealous, I have to admit. Partially my fault. I was still completely in love with him. But one day, someone messaged me a screenshot of a message between two of my best friends.
Friend: “No offense, but I’m getting tired of her... (me.)”
Dave: “Same. She’s a toxic fucking person.”
Friend: “Yeah....”
Dave: “Every time she talks she’s always whining.... she doesn’t realize that other people have worse problems... Sometimes I wish she’d just go already. I’m so fucking tired of her. (And he continued to complain about my behavior.)”
I think that fucked me up after a while. I was too scared to confront either of them, really. So instead I withdrew myself. They noticed and got angry. I didn’t explain myself.
Then more shit happened one summer. I lost a friend to suicide. I lost a cousin to an accidental overdose. I was kicked out of my house for a month. I was sexually assaulted by several people. I grew distant from Dave and my other friends. I tried talking about what was happening in my life to Dave. But it was merely dismissed. I stopped being supportive of him, because I was tired of being angry at people who angered him. I was tired of receiving one word responses and aggressive messages about how I’m no help to his situation. I was tired of the fights. I was tired of still hopelessly loving him, even through everything.
I still owed him my life.
I was so, so tired of it all. And I hated myself for all of it.
I decided to leave for a week without saying anything. I received a message on another social media site from him. He proceeded to yell at me for hours. He called me a bad person. A toxic person. An abusive friend. He said I was never a friend. He asked why I faked my suicide. I said I didn’t fake it. I was only procrastinating (an asshole response on my part). He blocked me. We never spoke again.
To this day, I still receive messages from my former friend about Dave. She yells at me, too. Yells at me about anonymous accounts now angry at Dave, blaming him for making me leave that app. I tried stopping those accounts, still. Even after everything. They eventually died down. But I’m still blamed for Dave being bullied. I’m blamed for Dave being depressed and wanting to kill himself (which he told me before I left, that *I* was the reason for him wanting to die).
Some fucked up part of me still loves him and blames myself for fucking up our friendship. Another part of me promises to be a better and more careful person next time. Not sure what I’m even planning on doing anymore.
I don’t know why I’m still alive, to be honest. I’ve made new friends, but I’m still very distant from them. I don’t know who I can trust. My parents don’t even know about what happened for those two years. Today, I try to move on from all that shit that happened. I go to school. I make music. I write. I draw. I read. I have depression. I have anxiety. I have psychotic symptoms. I self harm. Or, I used to. I am recovering from an eating disorder. I am a rape survivor. I feel like I’m hanging on tightly, still. I’m not sure why, but I am. I’m not sure if I should keep holding on anymore.
But I want to. Life is hell. Life is tragic. Life is chaos. But the little hopeful things— from the stranger who played their guitar for me when they saw I was upset one morning, to my dog running over to me, happily and without much thought, when I arrive home— have shown me that life can be beautiful.
I don’t deserve life. | self.depression |
I get nervous during job interviews and forget to smile Aaaaaaand apparently that blocks me from getting any job.
I try to have 2 interviews a week but I get nervous! I can’t smile throughout the whole thing!
Recruiters say they love my personality and my background but I’m not a good fit. I interviewed with a friend’s company and he said it’s because I didn’t smile enough.
I take notes!! I’m actively listening!
I just need a job :( | self.offmychest |
Was I I have reignited a with an old flame, after 3 years apart. Spent the last 4 months together with promises of a future, how theres not loved anyone like he has me, cant believe he finally has me, really had me believing. Woke up one day, he left and was in a depressive state and wont speak to me. Says im not a feature in his life now. That was 2 weeks ago.
History is similar, love of his life then diasapears back. Rinse repeat. There was no change of longelivity in back then, so i didnt pay much attn to his behaviours. He chased, persued, ruined relationships to be with me. On and off he would always pop back in my life, not always in a sexual way, but it made known how i was 'it'
This time, I reconised he has many features of bi polar and believe he was manic then and also now. Others close have bought this up to him and he acknowledges, but refuses to treat.
My question I guess is, ive heard of bipolar love. Im thinking this was it. He seems to have some kind of obsession with me in mania? But no feelings out of this?
| self.bipolar |
Coffee induced panic.. I'm sitting at work right now on my first week. I rarely drink coffee but this morning I drank a coffee because I was SO tired. Now I'm jittrring, heart racing, vision feels weird and I feel like I'm going to die. I know it will pass but ughh. Just really needed to look at this screen and keep my thumbs busy and make a post. I hope it's not breaking any rules. Stay strong peoples. I hope this passes soon.
| self.Anxiety |
A stupid wish I just wish if there is someone in my life to guide me how to beat depression, still it’s a wish and wishes never come true. | self.depression |
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