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I’m just a weak-ass piece of shit that can’t handle life | self.depression |
Does it sound like depression ? Hi everyone. I know no one can diagnose anything but it feels like I lack insight about what is going one. I'm Bipolar 2 and I take seroquel and lamictal since nearly 3 years.
I have absolutely no motivation to do anything but I do not feel sad. Usually, I do know when I'm depressed, it's obvious and I can't function properly. But it's been a year that I feel weird and I can't say if it's a depressive episode or if it's just me being lazy and tired.
I'm tired, I don't want to go out, being with people is a problem, I procrastinate as hell and it's driving me crazy. But why it does not feel like depression ? I feel like I need a kick in the ass rather than a med adjustement... For you, do you have any warning signs that indicate a depression even if you don't actually feel depressed ?
(sorry for my english not my native language) | self.bipolar |
Whats the point? I want get a job to save up for the ring and house I want to get with my long term girlfriend and sell my electric guitar to get a piano keyboard and baby Taylor to learn how to play her favorite songs by mayday parade. Then a few minutes later I think what's the point in wasting the time? I think of how her and my dogs will be if I was gone. How they would be able to deal with it? Why work and waste the money on stuff that won't have the same value when I'm gone. I play Xbox all the time to stop thinking and blast music when I'm playing. I planned on making a pc and being a streamer /YouTuber for my favorite games and a photographer. I already have a nice camera but I don't have a good lense so I never use it.
I feel like I'm annoying the people reading this and it's poorly written but im going to post it and most likely delete it. | self.SuicideWatch |
Mom has the flu, having major panic attack over her dying? Hi everyone,
My mom has had the flu for 3 days and she says it's getting worse. She has a prescription for the flu and also cough syrup but she's in a lot of pain and is very tired.
I just read about people dying from it and I'm freaking out, I have the impending doom feeling and I'm sitting beside her about to cry and wanting to just call am ambulance or something.
What should I do? | self.Anxiety |
Reasons i should kill myself Im an emotional and physical burden
My family would have more money
My family would actually have food because my stupid fatass wont be there to eat it all
It will end my suffering
I dont mean that much to people so it wont be very hard on anyone
Im too stupid to do anything else in society
I have no talents or hobbies
My room could be used for storage
Nobody at school actually cares so nobody will have to worry
I wont be a financial burden on my whole family anymore
My family can sell all of my stuff more more money
I cant do anything right
Im too fat and ugly to get a boyfriend so my parents wont even have any grandbabies in the future
| self.SuicideWatch |
Longer nights making me sad Hi,
I don't know why, but I always grow sad around the fall and winter; this started 4 years ago, during my sophomore year of high school. I lose motivation to do a lot of things, and I feel like I'm just existing. If it weren't for my parents, I would rather be sleeping all day, listening to music. I cry more easily at things, and expressing feelings and talking to people feel like such a chore. I have so many tests to study for, and assignments to do, but I don't feel the drive to do school right now. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone else felt this way? I feel so hopeless. | self.offmychest |
A poem about existing in realizations Poetry has been proven to be a good outlet for me and my depression lately. I highly recommend it to anyone out there that is struggling. Here is one I wrote about negative realizations that make you question your existence.
"This existence is pain
In ways I cannot explain
The more Self awareness I gain while being alive
The more self inflicted pain I feel
While I survive.
Something about this life makes me catastrophically hate myself
Yet there is something about this life and me that others want on top of their shelf.
I have been told that my consciousness is here to heal our humanities pain
But my schools and everlasting feeling of loneliness tell me that I'm to blame.
Its a shame that I struggle to see the bigger picture within myself
With my mind being so stuck with a small painting that diminishes my mental health.
I put my Blood and Soul into my art in attempts to communicate these feelings But the Flood and Flow of emotions gets scrambled while trying to make this artwork appealing.
'Life' is as plain as paper
And the mist of my sadness is vapor
This existence is pain
Cast my awareness in flame."
Thank you for reading!
| self.depression |
Can't seem to get over horror game First ever Reddit post, so sorry if there's any formatting issues and whatnot. Been lurking this sub for some time now but finally have the courage to post about this.
Two months ago, my friend wanted to play this psychological horror game with me, screen-shared over Discord. I agreed, knowing that in the past every single "horror" game we played wasn't that scary and I always quickly got over it.
However, there was one scene in the game that really shocked me. We both had to stop the game soon after and take a break. My friend seemed to get over it, but for me I was so horrified that I had trouble sleeping that night. The next day, I thought I would be over it like I had always been able to do. But I hadn't. It had been constantly plaguing my mind and I tried so hard to push those thoughts and memories away.
Right now, I feel that these feelings have improved. Sometimes, though, I have ups and downs and my anxiety could range to an acceptable level where I could get on with my day to having a 30 minute breakdown. I've never experienced anything this intense or prolonged in my life.
I've avoided looking at things that could trigger my anxiety of the game, but in turn it seems to have created a bunch of negative associations with things I like. I can't seem to properly enjoy anything anymore. Even when I'm talking with friends, playing games, or trying to watch a show these feelings seem to not go away, like a background program that's constantly running.
I think I have to get over my fear of the game to truly stop this. But it's hard. I get so frustrated that I am irrationally worrying about something that doesn't even exist, fictional.
I don't know how to shut these feelings off, and I really want to enjoy the things I used to again. I feel that I've tainted everything.
I would greatly appreciate any help/tips or if anyone has ever experienced the same. | self.Anxiety |
Late Night Anxiety Freakout, or: Why I'm a Total Idiot Clue's in the title, really. I just need to vent and have someone tell me all is fine. Forgot to take my meds this morning, and I'm a couple days late on my booster injections for another medication. I'm on 40mg of citalopram daily, and the other medication also helps with my anxiety when i take it on time.
Normally this would be okay. I would have just taken the meds when I remembered later on today. Catch was, I couldn't. I went on a trip to my parents to visit them before heading home on Xmas Eve afternoon. Aaaand I forgot to bring my meds with me. Idiot, I know right.
I'm close to 48 hours without my meds now, and I feel like absolute crap. I had a panic attack on the train in, and now I can't sleep having a low-key anxiety attack where my brain has CONVINCED me that because I missed a dose I'm going to die in my sleep tonight. I want nothing more than to just forego sleep and jump on a train at the earliest convenience in the morning but I can't do that, either. I can't catch at train until lunch time else I won't get to see my dad, by which point I will be well over 50 hours without meds and will have to go through the freaking CAPITAL of England to get home which is bound to be packed to the brim with commuters. Things are only set to get worse from here on out.
I'm sat here in bed and my skin is crawling and itching and fucking hell I just want to be normal. I don't even have my cat here anymore, my support animal when away from home, because she died earlier this year.
I just don't know how I'm supposed to get through the next 24 hours. | self.Anxiety |
I feel the need to punish myself again. I've been in therapy for the last 5 months or so, and I've been on medications for 4 months. I was doing okay, until this happened.
I was using this dating app for gay men, which is full of idiots. I was just lurking, not looking for anything specific, until this guy talked to me. We kept talking for weeks, and I found out that he was pretty much the whole package (in my eyes, of course. He was the first person to make me so interested). The thing is, I got extremely excited, and I think he started losing interest, and that made me frustrated and anxious. I've been feeling really bad. I feel lonely, ugly, stupid and pathetic.
Today, I checked his Twitter, even though I don't have an account. I saw he wrote something really sweet about somebody, and of course, it wasn't me. It made me feel sadder than I've felt in a long time. I hate myself for feeling like that. I did this to myself, and now I'm crying, and my chest hurts, and my eyes are red and swollen, and everything hurts. So I went and did something I stopped doing like two years ago. I made three small cuts in my forearm. I had to punish myself for being that stupid.
Also, tomorrow is my 28th birthday. I should be acting my age, and be a grown man, and take care of myself, but I just can't help but hate myself right now.
I know this will probably go unread, but I needed to write it down. Idk. It's stupid. | self.depression |
I've read my life's prospectus, and I have decided to withdraw my investment. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Hello. I’m new to Reddditt and new to this group.... this may be long, sorry! I’ve had anxiety my whole life. I found standing in front of a classroom or group makes me nervous to the point of crying. But going through high school my teachers never fought me on it. I never had to present a project or give a speech.
But now I’m 22. Wanting to go to college but not having an out for communications class. I’m at work realizing I can’t get a nurses note home. My anxiety has also grown with me. It’s evolved. The past four months it’s been so bad. I can’t focus or eat anything. At work I’ll be sitting at my desk fine one minute and the next I can feel this tingly sensations in my chest that slowly works up to my throat and then I start to cry. My hands start to shake and all I can focus on is the feeling. Wanting to cry and uncontrollably crying. Not the kind where it’s loud and dramatic like in the movies but the kind where my eyes are just endlessly flowing with silent tears and I can’t make it stop.
I live with my boyfriend if 3 years and I have an emotional support dog named Koda. My boyfriend doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t get I can just wake up, open my eyes, and immediately feel drained. Sometimes I wake up crying. The feeling is the worst thing I can imagine. At first he said it’ll go away. You have NOTHING to be nervous about....
Or the “ what’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? How can I even answer that. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. Because he’s right in retrospect there isn’t anything too big happening in my life that I couldn’t handle. Except my body and mind are fighting against every thought and feeling I have. I try to be optimistic. But when it hits me the only place I feel safe and better is in my bed crying.
He hates that. He says I’m giving into it. Letting it control my life. But he doesn’t understand that the feeling severely decreased when I’m holding myself in a ball covered by blankets. His words don’t help. His looks and judgment doesn’t help. “IT’ll BE OKAY” doesn’t help. But giving in just a little and crying does.
The best word I can use to describe what I’m feeling: I’m drowning. But I’m still alive
So then the question comes “Have you tried seeking professional help?”
- I’ve gone to a therapist for my sexual assault a few years ago and I’m sorry but describing what’s around me isn’t what I need.
- My boyfriend is scared that if I seek medical attention I’d get addicted to the anti depressants so I have yet to see a doctor . It’s not that I’m scared to try I’m scared for the reaction. Some of these medications give you side effects that sound so horrible And knowing me with my luck I’d get them allllllll.
There’s so many things I want to do or say and I just feel limited. I choke before I can make an attempt. I feel like it ruins my relationships in every way. I think the worst part is because I can’t exactly explain how I feel or the reasons behind it i feel alone. Although this is very common and there’s someone dealing with the same thing probably around me at any point. But it’s that I can’t explain why I am this way. I try to be positive, I try praying, listening to music, dancing, I hang out with my friends. I try to keep busy and keep myself from thinking about it.
But it follows me. Wherever I am it’s in the back of my chest or mind. I can sense it. I can feel it. And the hard part is pretending like I don’t. When I do that for too long my boyfriend and those close to me begin to think that I’m doing better or that I’m okay. And I’m not. Not even close. I just don’t want to bring anyone down with me. Ya know ?
At first it was just effecting me. And I would tell myself “okay this is just in your head. It’s fine I’m fine. BREATHE. “ but then it started effecting my work. I’d have to call or or go home early because I’d have an anxiety attack and couldn’t stop crying or shaking. I lost 13 lbs because the thought, look and taste of food made me sick and my relationship. Not to mention myself. I’ve changed.
I can’t remember who Jordan was. Only who she is. This person I’ve come to know the past 4 months. She’s so sad. Sees no future or potential. People keep telling me it’ll get better but will it ? When? A month from now? A few weeks? YEARS?? The fact is it’s already been too long. Idk who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to feel. Anxiety is more than a mental disability it’s a killer. I’ve lost who I was. And this person I am I’m not proud of. You would think I’d get through this because I’ve been through worse. Someone has always gone through worse. I feel so shitty for complaining about my mental health when in retrospect compared to others I should be thankful.
But I also shouldn’t undercut how I feel. I’m not alone. Despite feeling that way. I can do this.... we can do this. | self.Anxiety |
Yesterday I felt really anxious because of all the things I have to do and I took my bullet journal and flipped through my to-dos and I felt so calm afterwards. Just knowing I can forget certain things because they are written in my bullet journal makes me feel so secure. Just wanted to share. | self.Anxiety |
Any guys who like to garden ever been told something similar to "You're like an old lady tending her garden waiting to die at home". So over the holidays my family meets up at my place because I'm located smack in the middle of them. I don't usually like to entertain guests, but my parents came up with the idea since it's the shortest distance of travel for everyone to meet. Coming to my house for the first time and seeing all of my grow tent/rose bed/greenhouse distressed him somehow. Half joking and half irked he said it was such a waste of time for a young man to be gardening, that it's a hobby for old ladies who have to stay home waiting to die. He said IF HE were to plant something, it'd be in a large scale and something marketable like bud or have a vineyard but that there's not much money in the industry anymore so it's pointless to start.
Him having only daughters, he always wanted to be close to me but I just never really clicked with him. There was a time he really wanted to get into an international business venture with me (because I'm mixed and spoke the language) but I wasn't interested and that disappointed him. My uncle is a very sociable guy, corporate America worker who has sports paraphernalia all over his house, drives big trucks, likes to drink and entertain. He went on saying how as a young guy I should be more motivated to go out in the world, see explore, more ventures, date hot women as he says. In his mind, he just can't fathom why anyone would get any kind of enjoyment from caring for plants and it was a waste of time. Literally saying all of this sounding disappointed, and I can't help but feel it's because I'm the only male child between my uncle and dad who are the only siblings and they wish I was interested in more "manly" things.
After he made a few comments, my cousin she threw in a "that's why he doesn't have any kids yet he has to care for his PLANTS" she emphasized plants and everyone started laughing. Later at the dinner table, my uncle talks about his very motivated young male employees who can't stay in one place and travel all of the world closing the biggest deals earning so much money while they are young yaddy yadda. I can't help but think he's directing it at me. Call me sensitive but it's really gotten to me. Even when I was a teenager buying plants and bringing them home I kind of hid them because my parents thought it was weird I would want to grow a Cattleya or something. I have always kind of felt self conscious buying plants like orchids at the stores (cashiers would ask is it for your mom/wife)? But to hear out loud what other people actually think about my gardening hobby as being a waste of time and only for women really bothers me.
So yea.. that was my holiday with my family, it's been pretty shitty. Any other guys feel like sometimes they're scared to enjoy their gardening hobby because it's just not something "real men" do? | self.offmychest |
Why is it hard to find a reason to live But so easy to rationalize that since I'm a garbage person I'm not even worth helping. | self.SuicideWatch |
Medication Types Hi everyone I'm new here and just had some questions about medication types. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II about 10 years ago. I was medicated for five of them. I became pregnant and due to pregnancies and nursing I have been unmedicated for the last 5 almost 6 years. It's been ok, but in recent months I have noticed my mood swings and depression have come back in full swing. I honestly didn't have much difficulty until about the time I weaned my youngest. I also quit smoking for the first time while not being pregnant and this has woken a little devil in me. I used lithium for about a year and then switched to lamictal. I recall lkamictal costing a lot so I am hesitant to go back to that due to money. Lithium always made me feel so dirty though. What else is out there? I don't even have a psychiatrist yet but I want to get straight to the point and talk medication once I get in. I'm a constant ticking time bomb and it needs to stop. My family deserves better from me. | self.bipolar |
Do you have a really close relative that you suffer for? I have an older brother that's been in the lockup since the 2000s. I remember him calling home crying once. Its beyond cruel. I wish there was another way to go about it. Why not life probation?
People make mistakes and should be able to learn from them. | self.depression |
Panic attack - can't stop shaking? I think I'm just starting to calm down. I haven't had a panic attack in about 8 months, and even then they were never this bad.
Anyway this time I just couldn't stop shaking. It was like I was out taking a dip in the north pole naked. My heart is still pounding right now, but it's not so bad. Not sure how it started, but I couldn't stop thinking that I might be having a seizure, brain problems (might actually?), etc.
I have to say though, and not sure how people feel about it here, but I was a little bit high. I heard about how it gives some people anxiety and stuff, but it's never been a problem for me so I don't know what's going on.
I am pretty sure though it was just me though, because I was able to focus on other stuff for a few minutes during this attack and the shaking would stop until I noticed and then I'd start working myself up again. I'm pretty sure I won't be smoking again though for a long time because this whole has got me pretty traumatized.
This is probably dumb and maybe similar to most panic attacks, but typing this out helped calm me down. | self.Anxiety |
I feel just empty Break up recently and I've been on winter break I just feel empty nothing is fun I try to cope with video games like usual but I can't bear it. I haven't slept for 3 days and haven't been able to eat for 2. Please, anyone, help what do I do I can't bear to tell my parent I had another failed relationship | self.depression |
Emotional wreck with No One to listen I’ve been battling with depression and self harm for almost a year. I’ve isolated myself from family and friends and made a move to another state to be with someone that I thought cared about me. Now I have no job, no money, no friends and no relationship. I’ve done things for this person that I never thought I would do. I’ve sacrificed so much and now I’m sitting her with nothing. I just need a listening ear and a little comfort if that’s okay to ask. | self.SuicideWatch |
I am so glad you had fun with me I was at a bar party last night for New Year's Eve and after getting my alcohol fix, I made my way to the dancing area and started having some fun with the crowd.
10 or 15 minutes later, you come with your friend. Some guy wouldn't back off you although you were obviously turning him off but he wouldn't get the message. You started dancing with me but it was hard until the annoying guy left. We danced together for a solid 10 minutes and it was so fun! You were laughing so much. That was such a nice start to my year.
We were only dance mates and we did not exchange any information but I hope you have a nice year.
Happy new year everyone :) | self.offmychest |
[Serious] What would you do with $300,000 AND Depression? [deleted] | self.depression |
Should I tell my managers that I’m diagnosed with depression? I have been feeling depressed for a few months and throughout this depression, it started to affect my overall work performance. Before this, I’m quite close to my coworkwrs and managers, now it feels like they know I changed and going through something. Theres a time my managers came to talk to me to ask if I was okay, or if work is overwhelming, they’re willing to shifts around projects for me to feel better. I wasn’t sure that I was depressed then, and I told them I just feel overwhelmed a little.
2 months in, and I feel like my work performance is still going down, and I’m still feeling low all the time. I went to a psychiatric appointmnet and finally diagnosed with a moderate depression. I’m not sure now if I should tell my managers about my situation... if it’s necessary? I have a couple of appointments ahead that I need to take from my work time. but I’m not sure if telling them the whole truth would help or I can just go by without telling them about my depression. | self.depression |
Overwhelmed and Hopeless Christmas for my kid was a gamble against my safety net... The income tax refund. My other safety net was tapped out for 5 years due to a transmission repair this summer. I'm behind on rent and electric by 15 days and my loans by 1 to 3 months. My car needed brake work and tires to the tune of $1390. Maybe refund will cover it. But I'm still behind. Sure I'll dig out just enough to stay under water... Until what next right? What next is going to drown me. I hate living under this constant uncertainty. I don't get to be happy. It's not my place to experience any more than what I got during my failed marriage.
I am not sure what I'll do to myself when things finally give... Hopefully it's painless. 37 years is long enough. | self.SuicideWatch |
I've decided to end my life at Dignitas within the next 2 years [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
For you lucky folks who’ve recovered from long bouts of depression did you notice cognitive decline even after your depression “lifted?” [deleted] | self.depression |
I really give up on finding love... I don't think I am lovable. All of my relationships have been abusive. I have had all the men use the fact that I went to a gifted school to make jokes about my intelligence, to call me slow and incompetent. I have had all the men make fun of my small breasts (I'm a B cup). I've grown up with an abusive mom who sexually and mentally abused me and who always told me that I was too stupid to do anything right, I am disgusted by my mom but yet I still love my mom and I don't know why. She just died a few months ago and her death has added to the existential depression I've had my entire life.
I've never had a stable home, I've been bullied my entire life, raped at 13 years old by an older guy, tortured and molested by my babysitters as a child and the men I've dated used this information against me and called me a broken worthless disturbed human being. The dude that I just broke it off with yesterday used what I told him about my life against me and he said that he hopes I die. Last night he was talking to me about how he thinks other women are hot and I asked him nicely not to talk about hot women to me and I told him that he should talk about hot women to his guy friends. He then proceeds to aggressively attack me with curse words and I hung up in his face. Before this night even happened he would make jokes implying that I am slow and he even blatantly called me slow, and that really hurt me. The night before he was telling me how he wants to meet porn stars. He told me that if he could he would break his fist through my face.
Me hanging up in his face after he went psycho on me really pissed him off. So his psychotic episode he had after i asked him not to talk to me about hot women, him harassing me after I hung up and told him to leave me alone and then remembering how he called me slow made me say that I hope something bad happens to him and I didn't wish death or physical harm on him, I was actually saying that I hope he gets his karma for his psycho episode he had with me. I really despise people who mock the so-called "mentally challenged". And being told how "mentally challenged" I am my whole life really hurts because it makes me feel inhuman. I am not perfect, and neither is he and who is perfect? We all have our problems and I believe we are here to work through them and learn from them. He act like he is perfect and he even wished harm on innocent people. He brags about himself saying how much of a sweet, loving person he is. Who brags about that? Only a narcissist would. Someone who is really loving doesn't brag about being loving because that is self-aggrandizing.
I hate when people try to find something wrong with you and then try to make you feel less than human for it like they are some kind of immortal perfect gods incapable of doing wrong and who have never done wrong. I didn't deserve to get cursed out and dehumanized for asking him not to talk to me about how he thinks other women are hot.
I'm tired of being hurt and used. I don't think that I am lovable and I don't believe I will ever find anyone who will genuinely care about me. I really don't think a man will ever care about me while knowing what I've been through in my life and how it affects me. It makes me wish I was dead. I wish I was never born. | self.offmychest |
bipolar documentary idea Hi and thanks for checking out this post.
I am in the works of creating a documentary about my first manic episode...at the age of 30...in Costa Rica...at a music festival...hearing angels/aliens/higher power talk to me...feeling magical like Jesus...being hospitalized for 3 weeks in a shit hole, restrained in a bed for days...not speaking Spanish...getting the us embessey involved to get me home...coming home and being diagnosed and hospitalized again...going off my meds...speaking to a shaman about eastern medicine route...having another manic episode which lead to a 30 day hospital stay in a state funded hospital (horrible place that felt like jail)
I’ve since been on my meds steady and regular for the past 3 years
My plan with the documentary is to tell my story above...obviously much more detailed
I owe the Costa Rica hospital 4000$ and can’t return their until it’s paid. I’ve never ridden a motorcycle in my life. I plan on taking classes and buying the motorcycle all while filming the process. My plan is to document riding the bike from Denver Colorado to Costa Rica to pay this bill. Costa Rica is the most beautiful place I have been and want to be able to return, therefor I’ll document the journey to do so. I will video blog the entire trip being completely honest about where my head is mentally (good mood, depressed, manic, anxiety) any emotion that others may be able to relate too.
I am currently in search of anyone with documentary/film knowledge on the best way to approach this project. I also hope to get feed back from anyone who has read this post and wishes to throw in any advice
Thank you guys!
Danny | self.bipolar |
I've had such bad luck my life feels like one big joke being played on me [deleted] | self.depression |
I'm so tired of being single It seems like everyone around me is in a happy relationship at the moment. I don't get it when people say how great single life is, maybe for a short while it might be but there's nothing like having another person. I can't help but think there's something wrong with me or off putting. I've been single for over two years now and it makes me so sad. | self.offmychest |
Am I my illness? I don’t know why I keep letting myself get into fights and arguments with someone who very clearly doesn’t care about me. But that’s another issue...
Am I my illness? Am I just my symptoms? Am I just a big mess of my past mistakes, and no matter how hard I try, I’m still a fuck up? I really need some reassurance right now, just to get me through the night. Am I really a whore because I had made a lot of mistakes when I was manic in the past? Am I really so ugly because when I started meds I gained a little bit of weight and for a while I was too depressed to try to lose it? Am I really so stupid because I’ve been so depressed in the past that I haven’t wanted to talk much, or do much? Why do people think that?
Please, if anyone understands, please reassure me I’m not going crazy. | self.bipolar |
I'm so depressed, lonely, and tired. I just don't want to be sick anymore. Ever since I was a young girl, I've had issues with mental health. In Kindergarten, I used to have panic attacks when others were too loud, or if I couldn't figure out a problem. I remember vaguely my teacher letting me sit by myself so I wouldn't panic, or my teacher letting me sit in the bathroom so I could calm down. I remember her telling my parents my behavior wasn't normal, but my parents laughed it off and said, *"Kids sometimes get overwhelmed!"*
Growing up, crowds, concerts, and people in general annoyed me and made me panic. I'd get a shooting feeling in my heart that'd spread to multiple parts of my body, and it wouldn't go away until I was alone. I didn't know what was wrong, and I'd lay awake all night worrying about whatever I had. My anxiety got so bad, to where I'd go to class everyday and cry, because I was so anxious and I just wanted to go home and sleep. My parents would just say, "It's normal! You're fine!"
I got older and older, and my anxious thoughts were followed by tears and suicidal tendencies. I remember looking out the car, wondering how much it'd hurt to just jump out, and whether or not it'd kill me. I remember as a 5 yr old, sitting high in trees wondering to myself if the height would kill me, and hoping it would if I jumped.
It wasn't normal. Yet, my parents said it was.
It wasn't until the summer of my 16th birthday that I told my mother about my depression. I was so anxious, that I almost threw up just thinking about it. My mother heard all I said, and her only response was, "Do you not trust me enough to tell me about your emotions? That upsets me."
And so I went to the doctor, and was prescribed a little white pill named "Zoloft" that was told to help my depression and anxiety, and help me live.
But instead, I'd get bouts of energy, bouts of depression, and bouts of a mix of the two. It was painful, torture, and it made the last years of highschool terrible.
And now I'm here. Diagnosed Bipolar 2, PTSD from abuse, GAD, and depression.
I'm so tired of living. I don't want to be sick anymore. | self.offmychest |
I can’t fathom a life where I have to live alone anymore Hello everyone or whoever might stumble upon this, sorry that it’s so long (TL;DR at the bottom),
I have never had someone who I could call a good friend for my entire life. Never had a girlfriend. Never been invited to a party. Never had those childhood experiences with friends that everyone had.
It started early on in elementary school when I had very bad anger issues. In grade 1 and 2 I was constantly getting into fights and in grade 2 I constantly ended up in detention. I never had a friend then, only people I’d occasionally talk to if my memory serves me correctly. I moved away from that school and in grade 3 things seemed okay. I didn’t have the same anger issues anymore and people seemed to like me. By grade 4 I became a target for bullying. Since I was the angry one though, I always ended up in the shit while the other guy never got into trouble for anything. This ruined me for the rest of elementary school with the school learning to hate me. Eventually elementary school ended and I went to middle school.
I was already a social and emotional wreck by the time I entered and everyone quickly learned to hate me there, partly my fault. My 7th year of school was hell, however my 8th and 9th year managed to go by decently. In part because I fought off someone in my 7th year and people decided not to mess with me anymore. I found a group of friends during my 9th year, however I never really got close to any of them and as I realized what I missed socially during my early childhood I sabotaged this friendship. It reminded of the void that was there for a while.
When I entered high school I became a target once again for bullying. It got to the point where I was completely ruined. I tried to fight off the guy to make it stop but he just ended up beating my ass in front of a bunch of people. It destroyed me socially. No one wanted to befriend me in high school anymore. My only “friends” ended up just using me for my money and I’ve developed a cynical outlook on everything. I don’t trust anyone anymore and even if I did, I don’t have the social experience to befriend them. I am currently in my senior year and I’ve spent so many days alone.
You’d think that I’d get used to it but it hurts everyday to know that I won’t have anyone. I’ve had this haunting thought that the rest of my life will be spent alone. I made up this lie a long time ago that if I get a good career going and gain enough money then maybe people won’t be so cruel to me and I’ll have friends. I’m quickly watching that lie fade away. My only friend is miles away from me. I don’t know how to befriend people. I don’t know how to advance a friendship to the point where I can hang out with them outside of school. I’ve tried joining clubs to make friends. I’ve tried going to counselling. I’ve tried tried talking to people too. Nothing is working. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. There’s no point. If everything goes according to plan, I’ll be slaving away for the rest of my days as a pharmacist with no one there for me.
In a little less than two weeks, on the 20th, it’ll be my 17th birthday. No one remembered last year and no one will remember this year. I’m thinking of doing it then. I don’t have a method right now but I think I’ll be able to find something. Please don’t tell me that I’m still young and I can turn this around. No one ever wanted me then, I don’t think anyone will want me in the future. I’m sorry Mom and Dad. I love you. I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I don’t care. I just wanted to get this off my chest and give myself some closure to what’s been haunting me for a while.
TL;DR: Have never had a friend my entire life. I don’t think I ever will. I fear spending the rest of my adulthood alone and will probably go soon. | self.SuicideWatch |
It's been horrible The past couple weeks I've been in a serious low period of bipolar. Al I could think about was how horrible I am and how fucked up I am. It took serious tears and hours with mg husband to finally talk it all through so I wouldn't try to kill myself. Im now more stable and can see the other side. Im not saying those thoughts dont exist, im just saying I got thru them one more time, again. | self.SuicideWatch |
Anyone else hate the fact that they were ever born? I don’t mean to come off as over dramatic but I just hate that I was ever born. I resent my parents so much for having me just for the sake of their own happiness. If I didn’t ask to be alive, then why am I being forced to live? Why is life being thrown at me with the expectation that I just follow along? I want to die so bad but I can’t even kill myself because I’m too scared. Writing this just makes me feel so ungrateful and like a waste. I want to be thankful to be alive and (mostly) healthy, but my depression makes it so hard. | self.depression |
I just miss my grandpa He died back in May of complications from Alzheimer's. He was one of the people I was closest to in the entire world, and I've just felt like I've had a hole in my chest ever since he died. Longer, really. Like it was something that just kept expanding the more and more his mind and body deteriorated.
I've been thinking about him a lot this week. I'm really into genealogy, and I got the results back from my own DNA test this week. My grandma had his done a couple years ago, so I just downloaded the raw data from both of our tests and played around with it on gedmatch and interpreted some of it independently. There was something about just seeing the raw data -- basically a whole person reduced to letters and numbers -- a person that doesn't exist anymore -- that just killed me.
I kept thinking about how those letters and numbers are the only thing left of my grandpa. Twenty-thousand pages of data just staring at me. Just a bunch of SNPs for me to look at and say, "Hey, check out this gene which gave you a x61 elevated risk for developing early-onset Alzheimer's! And this one which gave you x3! Well didn't you just have the perfect storm of genes?"
I just miss him. And now he's just data and old pictures and a few snippets of film. It's all just visuals. It's all just storage. All I want is to go to his house and just walk in, unannounced, because he was that kind of grandpa. And I want to see his eyes light up. I want him to say, "Hey, sweets!" like he always did until his brain was too far gone.
I'm afraid I'll forget what his voice sounds like. I told myself a couple of years ago that I would give anything to hear him say, "Hey, sweets!" again. He did say it again, once. In a moment of recognition at his nursing home when I brought him new shoes. A moment of clarity.
I've been wearing his watch for the past few days. My grandma gave it to me when he passed. It's not a fancy heirloom or anything; my family doesn't have those. It's some sort of gold-ish metal. Brass? He got it for 25 years of service with the company he worked with. He used to call it his "fancy going out watch" or something like that. I wish I could remember the phrasing.
It's totally an old man watch, but I don't care. I want people to ask me why I'm wearing an old man watch and I want to tell them about my grandpa. I want to tell them about his amazing sense of humor and his love of Monty Python, Mel Brooks, and George Carlin. I want to tell them how he converted his basement into a model train display. I want to tell them how he taught himself woodworking and construction and a million other things because he was just so freaking SMART.
I'm glad that when I think of him, I usually think back to the times before the later stages of Alzheimer's. When he shows up in my dreams, he's the way he was when I was a kid. I'd give anything for one more conversation with him. One more hug. One more, "Hey, sweets." | self.offmychest |
I feel useless. [NAW] Almost 38, AA in psychology/philosophy, BA in psychology with an emphasis in learning, memory and cognition, minor in philosophy, BA in Anthropology with an emphasis in human evolution, specifically dealing with the cranial vault and hybrid BA in cognitive evolution. Went to uni for 9 years, 29k in debt (I know that isn't bad), and unable to find any jobs that aren't in a fucking call center. 4 years doing cognition research, honors in psych and anth. I know I dont have it bad, married, stable place to live. Just frustrated that my wife makes more than I do and I basically just supply the health benefits. She's a dog groomer and makes about 7 $ more an hour than I do. The health benefits from my work take up 1/4 of my weekly paycheck. I'm just tired of making 11.82 an hour and having figuratively nothing to show for my education.
Just keep telling myself, it will get better.
I will find something.
TL:DR
Birthday in 2 hours and frustrated. | self.offmychest |
Need help, now getting panic attacks when driving. I've had anxiety problems my whole life, especially with driving, but it's recently taken a nosedive. Before last week, I was just nervous about driving but I was still functional. Last week I was driving and felt a panic attack coming. I pulled over to a rest stop where I had the worst panic attack of my life. Now anytime I drive the car, I get the same feeling of panic coming upon me. I'm at a loss for what to do and the worst part is that I don't even know what put me in this state. Help would be greatly appreciated. | self.Anxiety |
Lost my job and need to get this off my chest. Need to get rid of the pit in my stomach. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Broke up with my GF after 8 weeks of living together.. So basically to cut a long story slightly shorter..
My other half moved in like 8 weeks ago, it was a rushed decision I said to her "you can move in whenever you want, the landlords have cleared it",
literally the next morning she had quit her job and handed her notice in at her current place; which personally I thought was a bit quick.
I asked her, without trying to be condecending whether she had thought about the costs and stuff of moving, and she said "I'll sort it don't worry",
The issues immediately arose with moving when I discovered she was expecting me to pay for the hiring of the van, and the storage fees for storing some stuff
that wouldn't fit in the apartment. There's been further issues with her not being able to pay that or half the rent + bills and has suggested I pay more because
I earn more.
I found she'd basically moved without any savings at all, I asked her why she didn't stay and save for a bit first and was told "Well you asked me to move in with you",
either i'm just not thinking straight or that sounds like she's blindsided by that and just didn't think.
We've argued pretty much everytime we go out, I was browsing an instagram of someone I used to work with (who just happened to be female) and got immediately accused of
checking her out, without any questions of who that was or why I was doing that, just straight up accusations. The latest and final one being yesterday evening, i've been
pretty stressed with work and working pretty late recently, I came back in at 8pm (Average finish for me is sometimes 6pm) Said "hey how are you", i got an immediate response
of "where the fuck have you been" in an aggressive tone, i explained I'd been at work and my phone had died from battery (which it had) she proceeded to tell me to "fuck off,
leave me alone, you might as well fuck off again" and stormed off, apparently she'd "called and called me" checked my phone, a single FB call and a single missed called at 7:50,
10 mins before I got back.
We ended up arguing over that and I said to her "just go away, we're arguing here and not getting anywhere." to which she immediately decided to start packing her stuff and
getting ready to move out. We're on a joint lease and she said she needs two months to stay here and save enough to move out, I questioned about the rent and she said "I can't
afford to do both". Which kinda makes this difficult.
Flash forward to today and we've had a massive row, she's basically called me "an emotionless fool that shows no emotion for anyone and is alone in this world because I alienate
everyone by not showing any feelings and not giving a shit about anyone else" which has hit me hard really.
Long story short, she's moving out on Monday most of her stuff and living with the company she works for who help house homeless people, essentially her words were "you've made
me homeless" , apparently because she didn't want to stay here because it was me making her feel like that, then she feels she had no other option and that it's directly my
fault.
I don't expect anything to come off this but thanks reddit for providing me somewhere to rant about this. :) | self.offmychest |
Quick Question. This is rather inconvenient to say the least, but I figured some of you lovely people would have experiences to share. Have you ever had a time where your meds stopped working? Practically overnight? Things have been steady for a few months, but I also suffer with rapid cycling. It feels like the beginning of an episode, and it seems like the meds aren’t working at all. I just wanted to see if anyone else has had this experience. | self.bipolar |
Life is a damned lie. Right now it's reasonable to say I'm not in a good place emotionally, sure.
Yeah, I'm upset about her. That affects me as deeply as you could imagine. It's stupid on my part, even after this time has passed. Yeah, I realize it's goddamned pathetic and everyone's infuriated at how I'm stubborn and still miss her. That is a personal fault, I wholeheartedly agree. It's just hurting me. There's no way I'd be happy if I kept sticking to her. She feels repulsed more likely than not that I keep looking for something that probably isn't there. They're all points I don't like, but are the truth.
**I have no trouble accepting I've been a fuckwad and a dumbass this whole time, and that my own emotional pain is my own fault. We didn't work. End of story**
I can get over a person with time. That's the *healthy* thing to do, right?
It's that part that bothers me.
Your points are valid. That's what they always say. It's alright to have your viewpoint, but there's an implied "it's the wrong one".
"Things don't work like that."
"It's just not how life works."
"There's so much to look for in the future."
"People come and go from your life man."
"You just have to work hard and you can get to where you want."
I don't pretend to be smart or well informed. I just think that on a fundamental level my life doesn't make sense, and that I've glided on the assumption that there's something - meaning, purpose, self made ability, whatever - that makes life worthwhile.
My parents moved to the US after dumping their old life behind so I could get a better education. Part of the package were voluntary demotions from doctor to college student, professor to coder. They paid the fee with money, social acceptance, and any hope of a functional family structure. I was a naughty little shit who would drive them insane and upset them. We yelled at each other, hurt one another, said reprehensible things, struck each other, and suffered. My mother has cried and openly lamented that I don't know their sacrifices. This is true. I can imagine how difficult it would be, but I can't say I've felt it. My grandmother had a heart attack on one occasion because of the fights.
For their truly momentous efforts I've given them the impression that I despise them. Because I generally couldn't do anything other than be annoying and not do the one simple thing they wanted: focus and study.
Are there undertones of abuse laid within? I'm not blind; I can see the truth.
"It's a toxic situation and you should go."
Yeah, yeah. It's difficult but it's the best decision. But is it really such an impossible desire for wishing there's a way to fix things?
I can see where the pitfalls are. I'm young, I'm stupid, I'm probably thinking irrationally by most standards. But is it really that unreasonable to be upset at just how things are accepted to happen?
We're flawed creations from an aggressive optimization algorithm run over many years. If there is other life in the universe, we're not really all that special. And it just doesn't make sense to me how certain things are just accepted.
What is the point of making a close friend if I am to accept that nobody is ever there forever? What is the point of seeking happiness if I am to accept it always comes and goes? What's the purpose of feeling hope when I have to be told that hope hurts me? What is the point of living given that I will still inevitably die?
I had thought, stupidly, that even though humans romanticizing is by definition inaccurate and a poor representation of what to expect, that in certain moments we could make our own meaning out of the high points. I thought I had found people who cared, and even if separated wouldn't just throw me away like I was nothing. We can send people to the Moon, and probably Mars soon. But awkwardness isn't something fixable. What determines the things that are just "part of life?"
"You always gotta look out for number one. You're the only one who can do the things you want."
Is that supposed to be empowering? Is that supposed to be motivation that whatever I accomplish is truly my own work? It doesn't feel like I have any input into what happens. What are the "good ways" I can keep going? I can cut everyone out who hurts me and find new people, work hard, get the job I want, have a successful relationship, and enjoy life. That's the grand image of not wasting time on stupid things and being fulfilled.
To me, it's as if everything is on rails. There's a good chance that if nothing bad happens I might look back on this in a few months and just go "how did I ever think that?" Getting better? Maybe. Or is it just how the brain copes with stress? A bunch of chemicals going a certain way. Reconsolidation of memories. More serotonin getting fired. More hits of dopamine every now and then.
I'll stop rambling now. I don't know if life is anything more than just a game of randomness where you yourself are just a cog in the system, subject to the same ways of thinking and ups and downs as everyone else. It seems like your choices are to go along with it until the end of the line or to just abandon it. I kinda want off the ride now. I'm sorry. | self.SuicideWatch |
Can someone help me? Hi I was recently diagnosed with “atypical bipolar disorder on the autism spectrum” does anyone know what that last part means? I know what atypical bipolar means but not the whole “autism spectrum” part. Can someone fill me in? | self.bipolar |
I was emotionally-abusive to my brother through his childhood, and I need advice. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Misguided Anxiety So, like most of you, I've got anxiety. Like most of you, it is prone to overreaction. Here's my latest:
I'm in an LDR, and we'd had a fight a week before Valentine's Day, which I thought was resolved, but she had felt emotionally distant / guarded since then. You know how it is, when you're bruised, and trying to keep everything to surface conversations.
The night before Valentine's, we'd gotten something accomplished, that we'd both been working towards for a couple months, and as a celebration I offered to fly out to visit her .. but .. she didn't seem thrilled at the offer, and disappeared from Skype for the next 16 hours or so.
She checked in on Valentine's Day, got my "Happy Valentine's Day!" message, and gave me the simplest of responses:
"Thank you".
Then she disappeared .. and didn't log in for 60+ hours.
Needless to say, my anxiety was through the **roof**, as I ran through the possibilities. I mean, *maybe* she lost her phone charger or dropped her phone in a river .. but more likely she was unconscious in her single apartment .. in the hopsital .. dying? .. but really, *most* likely, the fight had wrecked our relationship, and she was ghosting me.
I tried to ease into it, to accept the fear, but it kept rising up and consuming me. Not quite a panic attack, but depression, anxiety, the certainty that I'd lost her.
I wrote her a very nice good-bye yesterday - I wish we'd had more time together, you deserve to be loved, I hope you find peace, thank you for everything, I love you.
Today she writes me:
> Hey, sweetie
>
> Are you here?
Yeah. How are you??
> I felt so bad
>
> I vomited for a day
OMG!!
> I didn't know what to do anymore
Ohhh love. Drink lots of water!
> I couldn't eat anything
Did you have a fever?
> Yeah
........
So .. for anybody else ..
Just a reminder.
Our fears latch onto the worst case: she wasn't ghosting me, she wasn't dying, she wasn't in the hospital, she wasn't unconscious in her apartment.
She was sick.
Simple as that.
So, as the sidebar reminds us:
> Breathe Deep ~ It's gonna be ok <3 | self.Anxiety |
Itching. Hi all,
For months, I’ve had a sore throat on and off. Doctors did nothing and said it was nothing until October, when I was diagnosed with oral thrush.
The doctor gave me flucanazole and daktarin oral gel to get rid of the fungal overgrowth.
Within 4 days of taking it, I was itching all over. After a week, I called the doctor who told me to stop taking it as the fungus should be gone. So I did. No follow up or advice about post anti fungal meds.
Since then the itching has been on and off, and it clearly triggered my gastritis to flare up again.
Today, I accidentally came upon an article explaining that 100% of people who have Candida end up with cancer within 10 years.
With the itching and gastritis flare up, I’m really worried. Everyone keeps telling me I’ve lost weight and in November I weighed in as having lost 20lbs since January. (Around 0.5lbs-0.6lbs a week according to the doc) I attributed it to cycling 5 miles 4-5 times a week along with a lot of walking, and a month of rowing, and 2 months of yoga, as well as having a toddler at home. But now I’m not sure and it’s kicked off my health anxiety and I’m worried I’m dying. My face looks worn out and visibly slimmer.
In October, I had an X-ray, ultrasound and a couple of blood tests due to abdomen/chest ache, and they came back better than ever. All fine apparently.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! And why does it happen every fucking Christmas?!
Urgh. | self.Anxiety |
Deformed freak I'm a 25 year old overweight failure who, because of his own stupidity, now also has a horribe deformation on his face. I've already been depressed for as long as I can remember but I had no idea that a physical deformation could make it so much worse. No matter what I'm doing or where I am or what time of day it is, I'm always just moments away from bursting out in tears.
This is it.
This deformation was the final push. I dont have the thousands of dollars it cost to fix this with plastic surgery. I have never felt so hopeless for the future in my life as right know.
I always hoped that I could compensate for my short height and lose the fat, but I can never get rid of this. I will be lonely and unloved forever.
By making some stupid, easily preventable, mistakes, I signed my own death sentence.
I think this is going to be my last year. | self.SuicideWatch |
do something that makes you anxious tomorrow It's easy to let days go by and say you'll do it another day, I challenge everyone who reads this to do 1 thing that gives you anxiety. Obviously I'm not encouraging someone to go try coke for the first time lol. Whatever it may be, a phone call to the doctors, buying a concert ticket, asking a friend if you could practice driving in a parking lot, or starting a conversation with a stranger. You'll feel better once you do whatever you want to challenge yourself to!! Remember every small accomplishment is a big step to growing! It's possible to grow a lot as a person and still have anxiety in your daily life, but when anxiety is in control of you as a person, its hard to look at the world as a nice place.
I think when I'm constantly telling myself "I'm so anxious" it almost fuels more anxiety. I try to remind myself that I exist beyond anxiety, beyond labels, and even beyond this physical body.
Also, something I've found to help deal with anxiety is reminding myself that shit happens, literally all the time to everyone. It's okay to recognize your anxious but once you notice it, question it. Are you anxious because you feel rushed? Even if you're late, you're not the first person to ever be late for something. For the most pat people are very understanding and you don't need to apologize or cry for when you stutter or trip- mistakes are one of the only consistent things humans do. People are so flawed, and might also be struggling with anxiety/ bigger issues than you can imagine, to most every day people, you're just a side character.
I think tomorrow I'm going to get a couple of small tattoos because I've been putting it off for weeks because I keep thinking the artists will think I'm ugly/ weird/ dumb.
So anyways, I just wanted to try and encourage everyone!! Every day is an opportunity to grow and learn! | self.Anxiety |
Dealing with a potential break up while suffering from depression is scary... Everything hurts so much. Every thought. My whole body. I feel so so very alone. I just want to be in the arms of my SO but it’s my SO that’s making me hurt. It’s my SO that could be leaving. I feel like no one understands. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the water, but it’s not so easy to just disconnect from someone you once had something with. With someone who you thought you had a future with. Remembering everything they said to you. Remembering all of the good times and just watching all of it walk out the door. Letting your walls down and allowing them to make you believe it was safe to feel for them. I was so cautious and he convinced me that I was safe. That we were each other’s futures and now .. and now I don’t even know. I don’t know what is happening. I’m left for days not knowing. I can’t even begin some sort of healing process. I’ve begun to do some self destructive things in order to not feel the pain as well.
And I absolutely despise that we live in a society where we are told to push our feelings down and fake a smile as if nothing is wrong for the sake of consumerism.
I just hate feeling this alone. | self.depression |
Throbbing Vein There's a throbbing vein on the right side of my head. It will pulsate on and off. I'm freaking out, thinking it's gonna explode or something. I get headaches sometimes, the throbbing area might hurt a little, but that's it. Is this normal? | self.Anxiety |
I feel mad at myself sometimes. Recently my gf broke up with me after 4 years of dating, and I have already had a history of depression but I never really felt like this before. I will get depressed sometimes and then occasionally while going through it just get super mad at myself or just everything in general.
I've always said to myself that I never will kill myself or cut myself, even before I had depression but recently I honestly thought about just ending it. I lost the one person I could truly have holding me and feel like they care about me more then anything, and it was at a time to when I really needed it most.
This December has honestly been one of the worst months of having this stupid illness and even though I'm still glad I'm here for the good times, even if few and far between, that I have had since it felt like my life has just crumbled to pieces.
I just don't really know anymore, about how I am or how I feel most of the time. If you read all of this, thanks for listening. | self.depression |
I may be a sociopath I know I go against a lot of the norms and there would be a strong reasoning to disregard what I am about to say.
I am introspective, not typical for someone who is sociopathic.
But it leads me to analyse everything.
I don't necessarily feel bad, I feel bad that it has affected me.
I've always been different, always had something slightly off about me but when it's only noticeable when I vocalise it.
I have a lot of friends, not a lot of close friends but a lot of people I know.
I do pretty well in the dating scene but relationships never last.
I get asked by guys how I do it and honestly I just don't care about the outcome.
Either I;
A - Get the girl,
B - I move on.
I have outright flirted with girls who are out with their boyfriends, I nearly got bet to shit because I openly flirted with a girl who was out with her boyfriend and his mates, but she was flirting back.
I sat in the middle of their group chatting shit to her while her boyfriend glared at me.
My friends watched on from a distance and only because I was with a group of guys, the boyfriend and his friends kept their distance.
But I did not care, she was hot and eager.
I have had very few close friends, one of my close friends from school (all the way up), always got into trouble, his mother joked that we were always in the same boat but I was on the end that was up in the air and not sinking in the shit.
I would think of funny things to do, and he would it, he took the blame for hitting a guy with a piece of wood (maybe the size of a poker chip, comparable thickness) despite me throwing it because whenever he brought it up we joked about how stupid the whole situation was and how the guy was an idiot. (It landed on his back, people laughed he thought we were bullying him, not assaulting him.), nothing came of it, my friend got in some trouble but I didn't.
There's probably a case to argue that he's on the same scale..
I do feel bad, but it's more so from a point of view of 'well that was stupid', it's pertaining to me, not the other person, if I do something I feel bad because of how it either affects me or from the impartial point of view that it was stupid.
I'm not malicious, I don't intentionally hurt people, I mean I would not kill someone because 1 - Why? I mean there's no point, 2 - I don't want to go to prison, 3 - I don't want to intentionally ruin the lives of that family, it's unnecessary..
My parents have said I have a very addictive personality.
I know it.
They get worried about me..
They sent me to a counsellor, for cognitive behavioural therapy, because I talked to them about how I don't care, I'm not interested, I just don't want to deal with people if I don't have to.
I would fake sickness in school just to avoid the interaction.
I injured my leg and as a result was on crutches for a number of months, but I certainly used that to my own benefit..
Nobody would know unless I opened up.
As of recently I've been dealing with depression, and I've started to careless about how I impact other people, I usually want to be liked.
I want to feel part of a group..
I have intentionally ignored people, I've been very blunt..
When I get very drunk it's obvious, I have said things that reflect badly on me.
I sing, play guitar and write songs., But I don't really tap into emotions, I wanted to be able to but I could write a shittier version of Silver and Gold by City and Colour but not Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, it has to be obvious, very literal 'and everything I loved and feared had all at once disappeared'.
I love songs for their lyrics, but it's not necessarily a connection. I could relate a song to a person but it's not the same.
I see Vincent by Don McLean as a brilliant song, in terms of songwriting and portrayal, but I don't really connect..
It's hard to explain.
I enjoy songs for how they portray something, an ideal, an event.
That's what I'm trying to say I guess.
I want to sleep with an attractive girl because 1 - She's hot, (I mean..) 2 - It looks good on my behalf.
Girls usually say I'm interesting, that's the main thing.
I read about an intense stare, I do that, I wasn't thinking 'ok, lets size her up' but I was doing it, I was trying to work the situation for my benefit.
I've been with girls who has boyfriends.
I care for my appearance, fashion is not an expression of who I am, it's what I want to be viewed as, I visit subreddits like MFA, but I'm interested in appearing attractive, which is pretty normal, but it's not just to feel good about myself or attract women, it's how I want to be perceived.
I don't really dress to be an individual except when it benefits me..
I know what to say, in most circumstances other than when flirting I'm not stereotypically charming, but if I'm talking to a girl and I don't find her attractive or I don't need/want her to feel attracted to me then that's the end of it.
I keep very few girl friends who I don't want to sleep with or want to have find me attractive.
I can get very dead pan(?) and while it comes off as funny it can come off as just weird, a girl in a friends group said 'how are you AmIsensible!?, Happy Christmas', I replied with 'fine, ok, what else do you want to talk about?', she found it funny though.
I thought I was just very analytical, impartial.. but from what I've read, I may be a sociopath.
I wanted to be a doctor, I wanted to be a surgeon, I wanted the prestige, I wanted to save lives but by my ability..
I just want to write this, I don't want to tell someone I know because of pretty obvious implications but I want to get opinions on it..
This is a throwaway..
I've posted before.
I don't mean to come across as conceded or proud of who I am, I am trying to be impartial, observant.
What do you think?
Edit - I should add I lie a lot.
I bend the truth, I fabricate stories to be more engaged in a conversation.. | self.offmychest |
If you could pick a power related to your depression what would you pick? [deleted] | self.depression |
I don't act depressed so people just think I'm edgy™ [deleted] | self.depression |
Feeling alone, depressed , zero energy, no friends when i have friends and eating comfort food [deleted] | self.depression |
I apologised and got silence. It would have been easier to be told 100000 reasons no one will ever love me. I had an argument with a guy who I'd be casually seeing and we had become really good friends and I think we were headed to a relationship. It was my fault. He made a joke and I blew it out of proportion. I'm not making excuses. I fucked up by being way over sensitive. But the holidays are so hard for me. I was raised by a single mom who died a few years ago - she was an only child so no aunts/uncles/cousins, and I am estranged from my one sibling (older brother) because he married a controlling spouse who demanded he cut me off.
I have *no one*. The holidays are so hard for me. I literally have *no one* and spend the holidays either sobbing or watching Netflix.
I wrote what now feels like a fucking stupid heartfelt and sincere apology.
Nothing. And I know he's been online.
Dear Jamie,
I wish you'd write back with 30 texts telling me what a horrible person I am and every single flaw about me and why you wish you never met me.
I wish you'd knock on my door and when I open it, I wish you'd tell me you hate me.
I wish you'd write back saying that you acknowledge the reply but you can't forgive me for what I said.
I wish you'd tell me that no one will ever love me because of A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, *AND* Z.
I just wish you'd do *something*, because even been given a fucking 100 text manifesto on why I am a worthless human being would be better than silence.
I poured my heart out in that stupid apology all for you to *not. even. care*. | self.offmychest |
I’m thinking about killing myself again Throwaway
A little over a year ago I almost killed myself. It put me in the hospital. And now I am beginning to feel that way again. I’m not sure if I’ll act on it or not. All I know is that I’m being selfish. I have a beautiful girlfriend that I love. Three of the best friends I could ever ask for. A wonderful, caring family that has always supported me, and that his given me more opportunities in my life than I could ever ask for. I just can’t shake this feeling. I’m sad. I hate my body. Even though I am in great shape, I feel like I did when I was obese. I can’t decide whether or not to starve myself or eat my feelings, and I have become a shell of my former self due to the fact that I miss the daughter whom I gave up for adoption last year. I hate the fact that I gave her up. I hate the fact that I made my ex give her up, and I hate the fact that everyone acts like I deserve sympathy even though I shouldn’t be getting any. I’m a monster for giving up my own daughter. I know I am and I can admit it. I hate the fact that I can’t commit to anything. I’m doing horrible in school. I don’t go to class. I’m wasting money. I’m such a piece of shit, Jesus....
I am becoming a jealous boyfriend for no reason. A clingy boyfriend. And a downright emotional boyfriend. I just cry at everything. Jesus I’m a fucking wreck. I feel like my girlfriend will leave me at any second and probably should because I’m an emotional wreck. I’m only 21 years old and can’t decide what I want in life, which scares me even more into killing myself... I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to die. Maybe I’ll do it, maybe I won’t. But all I know is that somebody needed to hear/read this so I could get it off of my chest. I’m sorry for this being a random, incoherent mess but I just had to say this stuff. I want to die. And I might. I’m not sure yet. Thanks for reading, everybody.
And happy holidays to you all. | self.offmychest |
I keep thinking the achievements I set myself will make me happy, but they never do. I always want more Title. I was going to write something longer but I can't bring myself to. Nothing is ever enough. There are always people doing better than me and that makes me feel like shit.
It's like how Kurt Cobain thought fame would make him happy, but then it didn't, so he killed himself. | self.depression |
Finally booked an appointment Pretty much the title (for depression) but I booked it when I was drunk and really fucked up, now I'm not so sure because my anxiety is kicking in. Any tips to go through with it and not flake out? | self.depression |
That beautiful moment when you basically say an entire paragraphs worth of words in one fast sentence without messing up or studdering [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Posting from my phone and just feel like reaching out Hey y'all,
I feel weird posting this. I feel like I'm not really depressed sometimes and other times I do.
I've been diagnosed with ADHD for years but never really 'believe' it especially since it seems like everyone has it since we have distractions all over the place. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with moderate depression (baseline depression?) I feel great sometimes but really get down on myself most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm a great person, sometimes I feel like I'm a lazy, unacheiving person. Right now, I'm failing a math class because I just can't fucking get it. Since I realized I won't be able to land a C in it I've basically given up.
Sure, I can get up and go into the other room and just suck it up and finish it but as soon as I sit down my mind goes all over the place. I've taken meds for my ADHD for years but have never really seen an improvement unless I take double the dosage and even then it's a crap shoot. I feel lost in life. I just moved far from home in the hopes of starting fresh but find myself thinking the same way. I do pretty well in my job on paper but I feel like I'm not that great either. It's such a conflicting and awful feeling. I've been given meds for depression but they affected my sex life and made me feel numb and I can't stand it. Lately I've basically just been smoking a lot of weed and hanging out with people to keep my mind off of my mind. I enjoy working out but can't seem to manage my time or achieve the goals I want.
That's another thing, my goals change all of the fucking time. I can't even tell you how many times I've changed what I want to do when I "grow up". I don't even tell people what I want anymore because I think they will just roll their eyes and say "ok". I'm aimless and about to be 30 with nothing to really show for it. The only thing that honestly brings me consistent Joy is looking at how well I am doing at budgeting my money (still not great). I just moved to Phoenix AZ and am already looking to move to LA, NYC or Portland in search of what I want. But I don't know what I want.
I'm just sad.
Anyway, thanks for reading. | self.depression |
Does anyone have any Advice for what to do... or maybe more likely how to stop obsessing over if i made the right decision or not? Regarding housing I'm in the midst of a really bad panic attack. I'm caught in a loop of rumination.
I have to move. While I do have real struggles with anxiety and my mood, I also went through the ringer with my last place (not where I am right now). I had to get on my landlady's case to return my damage deposit, which she did past the legal deadline and deducted most of it. I also had had problems with a roommate harassing me, which I think was why I ended up having to leave, as I was lied to and said a family member needed the room, and the room went back on the market shortly thereafter.
I've lived where I am now for about sixth months. I was happy. My roommate is pretty laid back. But he is kind of absent minded. And so, I found out late December I had to move, because he had to move for a job and the lease is in his name. He was trying to get out mid January. So I thought I had two weeks to find a place to live.
Yesterday I found out it was the end of January, which was a relief. Today I went to see a place. I liked it, and because I live in such a brutal real estate market, I signed a lease with the guy for sixth months. After that, I started to panic I made the wrong decision.
The apartment is more money than where I live now. It is $750, all included. I make about $1,300 a month. Another downside is that there are rules about no overnight guests, though having friend over during the day is fine. While I've never had anyone over to spend the night, and never even had sex let alone be a pick up artist, that causes me a lot of worry because it feels like it is shutting me off from ever finding a partner and losing my virginity, and well, even just living the life of a young adult. The room is also kind of small, and the bed is a single (which my mom put the scare in me basically telling me I was too fat to sleep in single bed). There is no room for a larger bed. But it's a beautiful apartment, and having laundry in the apartment that isn't coin operated is certainly a plus.
My apartment hunt had not been going all that great, so, I went on Craigslist again when I got home to try and find some affirmation that I made the right decision. I'd see that it's really slim pickings, and that this is good. Turns out there was an ad posted today. It was a bit cheaper, 700 + internet, and the other roommates were graduate students (like me) who seemed pretty laid back. If I were to pull out where I just signed a lease for, I'd have to do it now. It's compounding my anxiety over if the other place is a good fit for me, because, this other place *does* sound like it would be a good fit for me, and it's very close to school.
So I'm in a terrible loop of rumination and uncertainty over what to do, and terrified over money. I can't snap out of it. | self.Anxiety |
What are your favorite podcasts that make you feel good? I listen to podcasts nonstop at work. Before my latest bout with anxiety I was all about the true crime podcasts like My Favorite Murder and Last Podcast on the Left. After a terrible panic attack a few months ago I avoided them like the plague. I'm starting to feel comfortable listening to that stuff again but I would love suggestions on some wholesome, feel good podcasts to balance out the negative vibes. I don't necessarily want to listen to a podcast about anxiety either. | self.Anxiety |
I no longer desire to "get better" I used to see doctors and therapists, of course to no avail. I don't even want to get better, i don't have the energy or desire to improve my life, i just want to die, the only reason i haven't acted on this is because i don't want to do that to my mom. If i could make it so i was never born, i would.
Sorry I just needed to vent. | self.SuicideWatch |
sleep can't sleep, having absurd nightmares. Fear of trying to go back to bed...how are you all doing? | self.depression |
Screwed myself out of a job i desperately need Quick Background: I haven't held a job longer than a week ever since I experienced a traumatic event 6 years (jeez, it makes me upset with myself just typing that) ago. I rarely leave the house besides special family functions, birthdays and holidays. I've secluded myself away from the world basically.
Earlier this week I applied for an upscale version of McDonald's and I landed an interview. Of course, before the interview I was bawling my eyes out, worrying and playing out every single possible way it could end terribly.
During the interview, I knew I was blushing because my face felt very warm. I was stammering and my voice was super shaky. Luckily, they gave me a drink so I could pretend the moisture on my hands was only from condensation and not sweat. I'm still replaying how I couldn't even get out the word "empathetic" and called myself "empathic" :/
I didn't hear anything from them for almost a week so I figured I didn't get the job. Until an associate of mine who is a manager, asked why I didn't go to the second interview. I didn't get a call and it wasn't in my email. She set up a second interview for me and I choked. I asked her to cancel it.
All I could think of was how I was going to be stuck with people I don't know, and don't know how what they would be saying or trying to do to me. I would be trapped behind a counter, having to pretend to be happy and smiling while I just want to cry in a corner alone. I am so scared of going out and dealing with people.
I really needed this job. It might have just been a burger place, but I haven't worked really in years. I have no money and I'm living with a friend. It paid over minimum wage and I could have had benefits within 90 days too.
I'm just so angry with myself. I didn't want a repeat of my previous job where the stress and anxiety made me burst out in tears right when I was working. (That was humiliating.) I just wanted to jump in a lake and sink to the bottom.
What really is getting to me is that I know I could have been great at it. Before I was this mess I am now, I would do great with people. Not that I wasn't anxious before but I hid it way better and people just seemed to naturally like me. I care deeply about people and I always worked hard, professionally and personally, to make others happy and comfortable.
TLDR; Didn't go to second interview which I **REALLY REALLY** need because I am a dumb, anxious, scared person. | self.Anxiety |
Will this ever end? Its so hard to remember what I was like before my depression and anxiety. Ive never had really bad anxiety to the point of panic attacks but for about a year now I constantly overanalyse and overthink every single aspect of my life. Its like my thoughts go round in a circle just looking to find the answer which will make me complete and calm. The thing is I can hardly explain what im thinking about. Its mostly inconsequential stuff about psychology and about myself and other people and why they do the things they do. Sometimes I forget ive struggled with mental health and hope to return to my old self but I worry this is just me now. Sometimes I wonder with all this overanalyses that I should enter a field like psychology or something because its all I ever seem to think about. Would just like to know if anyone can relate or can suggest something, even just a bit of encouragement that hopefully I can get back to my old self in the future and not be constantly thinking about life and just enjoy it would be great | self.Anxiety |
Just put up the Christmas decorations. I hate it. I moved into my first apartment earlier this year. I've always loved Christmas. The food, the family, the atmosphere, it's amazing!
So for months now I've envisioned what I'd do in my own home. Where I'd put this and that, how I'd arrange the tree, etc.
I just finished an hour ago, and it looks and feels nothing like I thought it would. I look at my fully decorated tree and I just want to bawl my eyes out. It's horrid compared to what I had built up in my head. I always do this... Build up something I'm looking forward to into this AMAZING and FANTASTIC thing. Then it happens and I'm left so disappointed in myself for not managing to make it as great as I thought it'd be.
I know this doesn't sound like much to complain about. But I truly love Christmas. And feeling this shitty/depressed about it is devastating... | self.depression |
Step forward Lately I've been finding myself getting happier.
Hopefully soon will be able to come off the medication but as a step forward I'm back at work and gradually putting myself in situations where I deal with customers or groups.
I think to myself what an achievement and let the times ahead be getting better. | self.Anxiety |
How do you deal with obligations you can't get out of? I'm currently spiraling downwards again after a pretty long an strong round of being okay. I have my suspicions why - basically, I didn't get to recharge over the holidays and I'm running on empty. I feel like I need to have some time to myself, without other people every now and then.
I'm on my last attempt to make school work, at 26. Gradewise I'm doing excellent, but as someone with depression and someone who still has remaining traces of once crippling social anxiety, school is stressful. I mean, I do love it. My first attempt was, simply, disastrous and is where my problems stem from. This time around I have friends, I'm doing well, I'm active in extracurricular activities and so on.
Last year I had the option to just take a day off when I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, but this year I need to bring in a doctors note when I miss class because of last years absences.
That wouldn't be so bad - I could just lie to the doc (because I'm not comfortable telling him about my problems and I'm still looking for a therapist), but I don't want to miss school. It's important. I need the material.
I'm late almost every day, hours sometimes and nobody knows why - I blame migraines - and I don't want to talk to my teachers about that because that would mean admitting I'm not as strong as I appear - and I'm terrified they wouldn't take it serious because I seem like I'm fine or perhaps that I don't show up because I'm good and I don't feel like I need to come to class based on my grades.
I'm just trying to make it to the next holidays in April, but currently I don't know how.
It's project week and I'm skipping today because I just can't. I can barely get out of bed or shower at the moment, even with my meds cranked up as high as I dare.
So where I'm trying to go with this post: how do you do it when you have obligations you can't get out of, things you want and have to do, but you're on the middle of an episode? | self.depression |
My boyfriend has randomly disappeared for almost 6 months now. I've dated the most amazing man for almost 3 years, but it was long distance. We were doing great, despite things in our lives being stressful. He was the most patient and loving person I've ever had in my life, and I'm so madly in love with him.
He sort of just disappeared in July? I haven't heard from him since. I've been trying to see if his friends have heard from him but..no luck either..
I've been empty, not really sure how to function..getting asked if I'm in a relationship and I don't even KNOW if I am anymore..
I miss him, so much.. | self.offmychest |
Am I really bipolar? So I don’t know where to begin. I wrote a long post on another bipolar subreddit but they have a 30 day wait before you can post. I don’t really feel like waiting a month to get feedback. I have been diagnosed bipolar twice in my life. Once at 14 and again at 36. I know no one with the disorder so I have no one to talk to. I figured I could throw out a line on reddit and see what comes back. My main issue now is that I am only depressed. I don’t find happiness in things anymore. I feel like I just have to “get through” my day until I can try and sleep again. That really is all I want to do is sleep. I guess this is the meds working preventing me from going manic, but I don’t know if I was manic. I know there were times I had excessive amounts of energy, felt like I could accomplish almost anything, had racing thoughts (still do), and other various symptoms. My doctor and therapist both concluded bipolar, but I’d like to talk about it more with people who live it. I want to compare experiences, symptoms, treatments, etc. If anyone out there has the time I’d love to talk. Ty | self.bipolar |
Looking for advice, or experiences, or anything. How can I get diagnosed? Hi all. I'm looking for some advice on what to do in my situation, maybe some personal accounts or opinions from others with similar symptoms, who to go see in particular...
Im a 25 year old male. I've been struggling with extreme "down periods" that I feel for 2 or more years now. I call it depression or a depressive disorder to myself but it's not officially diagnosed so I don't vocally, except with my girlfriend and mother who I have welcomed to this side of me. These down periods often start with some sort of trigger.
Usually the extreme sadness will last many hours or until the next day. I this isn't just "oh I feel sad". Rather, I almost feel like a totally different person. I am not in control of my mood or my thoughts during these times. It happens usually once a week, and I don't feel normal again until the next day.
What I feel in these periods:
* extreme periods of sadness, sometimes anxiety
* self-doubt
* guilt
* low confidence
* paranoia in relationships (not that I think they'll hurt me, more that I feel like my relationships aren't as strong to others as I perceive them to myself)
* low motivation
* Irritability towards others
* extreme hopelessness
* Wonder if I'll be like this forever
* Worry that it'll change to self-harm related thoughts. Often I wonder if it's worth it for me to be living
* Selfishness
* Constant racing thoughts (worries) about how I make others feel, or how they feel about me. Do I have real friends? Do I annoy them? Do they like me? Do they just keep me around because they know I like them?
Usually I feel overall "fine", but not exactly happy. I definitely overall don't feel exactly happy in my normal state, and I think before leaving college and moving to a major city I could say I was generally happy. I am also aware of the fact that at any time a trigger could cause me to slip into a depressive state for the remainder of the day. The trigger can be anything from worrying about being late to work to a major fight with my girlfriend to financial stress.
I am usually aware that I am in the negative state when I am, but I can't help feeling it. Sometimes I can recognize it and start to do things to help it, but usually not.
I most often wonder if I have bipolar depressive disorder, though I think the highs and lows of that generally last longer than what I'm feeling. I also don't think I have many "highs." If I do, I would say it's when I'm with very close friends, as this is when I'm usually happiest.
I'm more than happy to provide whatever other info you may want to know, though I don't really even know what I'm looking for right now. I'm doubting myself that I should even be submitting this as I'm typing it, as if it's not worth it.
Today it was caused by opening presents. My mom, who puts a lot of time and thought into Christmas, got me several wrong colors/sizes of clothing I had asked for. Now I wasn't super sad about this, but I could tell she was upset about my disappointment. I couldn't get past this, and it spiraled out of control to the point that I had to go lay in my bed to be by myself.
I did finally seek out a therapist this summer. She mostly just talked with me, but didn't really offer many opinions of what was happening to me. The most she offered were small exercises to work through this stuff. Regardless, talking helped a bit. Unfortunately, my work changed health insurance and now my psychotherapy benefits are very small; I can't continue to go.
I did express my concern about having some mental disorder that I felt like I didn't know how to diagnose, but she kind of blew it off? It seemed like she doubted it. I felt offended and not taken seriously. This was the last session as well.
I know my mom and my father's mother also battled depression.
Does anyone experience anything similar? What's the most efficient route to get an opinion from a medical professional, and start to help this? Anything you guy's got will help. Thanks. | self.depression |
Anyone else taking neurontin for their anxiety? I've recently started taking Neurontin (300mg / 3 times a day ) and I'm not sure I like how it makes me feel. I feel physically numb. I'm not necessarily content, there's some lingering anxiety but I feel just... Numb, almost?
I don't feel sick or any nausea I usually feel with anxiety which is a nice change.
But anyone else? How did it make you feel? | self.Anxiety |
I cant take it, im waiting for the day i just do it. I lost my long term partner to a drug addiction/overdose going on a few years back, and things have just spiraled out of control since then.
I used to pride myself on being a kind, helpful person, someone who would do anything for someone they cared about, but somewhere along the line that just...changed. i began feeling resentment towards people ive known 20 years, family when they needed something, even something small from me, becoming blank, monotone, slate, angry. Ive slowly become to hate people for wanting me to be normal again, be the so called strong, fun person they claim they always saw me as. The only emotions i seem to be able to feel are bad ones, anger, hatred, jealousy, resentment. I want to be inside and alone and closed off. I want to be the happy life of the party i once was. At the same time. I want to be asleep. Im afraid to die, but i dont think life is going to get any better. I tried telling someone ive been super close too for 20 years how i felt, whos leaned on me alot lately, and got some version of 'suck it up, what would i do without you?' I feel angry. I felt so very hurt in that moment. Nobody cares about
my needs, they care about what i can do for them. Thats it. I feel like my boundaries have been constantly violated. I feel extremely overwhelmed, depressed and anxious every single day.
Ive become a horrible, selfish person.
Maybe this is the wrong place to post this. Maybe i wont tomorrow, or the next day. But im waiting for the day i do. | self.SuicideWatch |
self-harming is becoming an addiction now I think. so I started self-harming like a couple of days back and I feel that it is slowly becoming an addiction like yesterday i was in class and i used my divider to cut my arm and even today i did that then i decided to give my geometry box to a friend and asked him to keep it i was hard to do that but i new i would have cut myself even more if i had it around | self.depression |
went to my first counseling session ever, is this normal? Finally came in for an initial counseling appointment today. She asked me a lot of helpful guiding questions, and we had a productive conversation, but she didn't say anything about a diagnosis. Is this normal? Is this something I should be expecting more down the line when we get to talk more? | self.depression |
arrrgh shit Suddenly everythings hard and confusing again and I can tell I'm in the sort of mood where I'll just lie awake for hours overthinking with images of cuts and nooses and thats not fun yknow? | self.depression |
I fucked up. I guess I’m just looking for people to talk to. This is poorly edited, so it’ll be more stream-of-consciousness than anything, but: I have no career skills. My degree got me nowhere. I’ve been in the same relationship for over a decade - the only one I’ve been in - and it’s more of a friendship that has sex once or twice a month, and has always been that way. I’ve rarely had friends, and the closest/only one I’ve had in a long while, well, I fell for them, and I’m afraid they’re drifting away, despite returning those feelings for a while. Probably doesn’t help that both our situations are complicated, far away, and unlikely to change. My creative endeavors (writing, tabletop game design, crafting electronics) haven’t gone anywhere in the past ten years or so. I just manage to pull 30 hours a week in my job, which doesn’t support me, due to just barely managing severe depression despite medication. I have little, if any, self-worth. I wouldn’t consider myself to have any redeeming qualities or features. I wrote a novel. It wasn’t good enough. I started a business or two. They never got off the ground. I’m in more debt than I know. I’m precisely the kind of person who really should be dead. But I guess I’m holding out hope for feeling loved again. Yay for only experiencing a passionate love from someone I rejected, who then tried to rape me.
Experiences in the past have left me unable to trust men. Which is somewhat problematic, considering that I am one, hah.
Sorry for wasting your time. | self.depression |
My boyfriend of 4 years not once has ever made me cum i love him, but i fake it every time
i’ve been with him since high school and we were both inexperienced at the time so it was a given we didn’t really know what we were doing.
Anyways he’s really vanilla and doesn’t wanna try anything new in sex. He doesn’t know how to give head right, and if i try to make suggestions his ego gets hurt and thinks he’s unsatisfactory so î just pretend i cum every time. Don’t get me wrong sex still feels good but ive never came as hard with him as i do when i masturbate | self.offmychest |
Rejection I know it's dumb to post it but here goes anyway. The last few years i've climbed out of my longstanding depression. But tonight i felt like all those feelings of feeling insignificant rushed back to me. There is this girl that i'm really really into, we are pretty good friends. I intended to get close to her at tonights event but about halfway trough the night it was pretty obvious she didn't feel the same. I'm not complaining about the friendzone, and it's fine that she doesn't feel the same. But those moments threw me back two years to a place where i felt alone and worthless and right now i don't really know what to do. | self.depression |
In a dark place I am back where I started. My parents don't know about the voices or the comments at school. I want to die. I deserve death and nothing else. But there's a quiet voice in me telling me to stop. where can I get help and how can I tell my parents I am mentally ill (no ifs buts or maybe's... I know I am mentally ill with something) | self.SuicideWatch |
Life is just difficult I'm not happy, not sad. I'm just "meh". Everything is so stressful, too many aspects are just fucking difficult and need so much effort. Like is it even worth it? No interest in anything anymore. The moment I get home I jump in bed and play my Switch. Is this really what I'm doing it for? | self.depression |
Confused but ready to end my suffering I have felt for years that my existence is meaningless, always felt sad as a young child, mum was an addict dad was a biker, a smart kid but more interested in sports, I never really fit in but it didn't bother me, i didnt realize i was different till high school having gynecosmastia enlarged male breast, which I got bullied for serverly for even off my peers in football, I quit school once i started failing, football was all that held me together till i got injured.. was my dream, now im a full blown addict and just wanna die.. I never intended to abuse drugs and alcohol but somehow its what ive become.. and i just feel done | self.depression |
Does the brain reverse stress related damage? I've been on Zoloft 50mg for the past 7 years. It's been the best thing I've done for myself since it allowed me to eat and sleep again. However it wasn't until recently I've been ruminating in my thoughts and I felt like a huge rush of cortisol through my body. I started to have nightmares, dizziness, and unable to focus. The nightmares have subsided, but it's been a week and I still feel dizziness.
I'm not entirely sure cortisol is to blame but this happened after that stressful day. I know the brain performs neurogenesis but what are the brains limitations in repairing itself from chronic stress? | self.depression |
I got fired! And it's honestly a blessing at this point. I was working this gig for this rich lady and her baby and as much as I love her children, the hours were too godddamn long and I felt a bit uncomfortable around her and her husband.
So while part of me is really disappointed because being fired is rejection and I have a bad time handling rejection, I'm also happy that I am out of this "prison" that is, well, her. She is a nice, nice lady but being raised filthy rich has inhibited her ability to do anything, apparently and to know what struggling financially and having an overcharged schedule, looks like. Despite both parents being home, they have 4 nannies for one (!!!) healthy newborn baby. And we just rotate shift for 18-20 hours a day (2 people per day). Again, very nice but I can't handle working with people like that anymore.
I'm trying really hard not to cry because the past week has been especially shitty and being rejected was a constant theme. But I do have one other job, and another one lined up so financially I'll be fine and I'll be doing jobs I prefer and love. | self.depression |
Share your journey Right now I'm in a pretty dark place, but somewhere I still have the believe it will all get better. It must, right? It's just that I have no idea how it will get better or how 'good' it can get.
I'm guessing you, just like me, started your life not knowing about bipolar. Having your hopes and dreams just like any other person. But then, something was wrong. A series of events led to getting diagnosed with BiPolar. How did getting diagnosed affect you and what happend next? | self.bipolar |
I found an escape I’ve always known I was different. Growing up with a hearing disorder and then later on discovering I was ADHD was a struggle for me. I had no friends in elementary school. And then I started taking dance classes. I still struggle with depression but I have learned to let myself go through my movements in dance. I hope everyone can find something that helps then forget like dance still does for me. I started dance in third grade (more serious in 9th) and I just got accepted into a dance program in college where I will continue my love. Even though sometimes I’m still in pain, at least I have an escape. | self.depression |
I'm on good terms with people but have no actual friends I think about all the people that I call my friends but now as I'm sitting here I realize that no one I know is actually my friend. What does a friend even do that makes them different from people that are just on mutually good terms? I hear people tell their experiences about their friend coming over when they're sick, helping them with tough experiences like depression. Has anything like that ever happened to me? No and I don't really expect that from anyone but if it does happen I'd consider it a miracle that someone actually cares if i'm alive or dead. But when you're bored and have no one to talk to during the holidays not even with "friends" through social media I can't help but to sit here and think "fuck, I'm really am alone".
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At least with friends you can message them in the evening if you just want to talk right? Not with me because I'm not on high enough terms to justify randomly messaging someone. I can scroll through my friend list and not come across someone who I know won't be confused why i'm talking to them. Everyone I know is their own social group and I just wander around like some sort of ghost. No one has ever asked me if I wanted to hang out with them, it's always me asking like some sort of dog asking for scraps. When I do actually hang out with a group everyone is laughing about some inside joke that they made while I wasn't there and won't even tell me the context when I ask for it. **I just want to be involved damn it!** They avoid answering the questions because they'd have to admit they excluded me indirectly or not. Usually I don't pay any attention to this sort of thing but now when I'm about to hit my 20's and everyone is in a relationship or with their real friends the sense of isolation hits me like a cold shower. I don't need someone kissing my ass and putting down people who don't like or agree with me. I just want a real friend who is their own person, someone who is honest about if they want to spend time with me and it's because of the person that I am and not just what I do for them. I want to talk about what's happening in their life that isn't just complaining about shit that's happening to them. Because apparently my only purpose is to be these people's confessional booth and when they feel better they go back to the people they actually care. Yes there's some level of trust with this but when's 90% of the conversations I just feel like a free therapist when it happens. I want to learn about their interests and hobbies and in return they hear what I have to say and hell maybe even give a shit about it. Sounds like I need new friends, right? At least I need to tell these people how I feel, I've learned when I try to stand up for myself and get some real answers people change the subject real quick or just make up some weak excuse or explanation how it's not their fault. The most I get is a "well i'm sorry that you *feel* this way". Well I do whenever I can but everyone does these types of things to me eventually. So there has to be something wrong with me. But for now I just want to vent this out of my system.
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I'm sick of people pretending that they're soooo busy all the time, too busy to hang with me at least but the next few days they hang out with people they actually give two shits about. Stop pretending that you can't see me, you just don't want to and you won't admit it because if you do then you have to hear how much of a cold asshole you actually are. but We spend time with each other when it suits you and when you just don't feel like it you *suddenly* get bombarded with work or family stuff. Just say it to my face so I can stop wasting my time thinking about you. | self.offmychest |
2020 is the year So much wrong, you know? Im so insecure that I push people around me away, I've gotten so fat that I dont want to look in the mirror anymore. Despite everything good, like jobs, making few small connections, I act out.
I feel like my purpose in life is to inflict pain on others and myself. Since that is the only thing Im good at. I should sleep, gotta go to folk high tomorrow.
I speak in riddles cause Im so afraid to confess. I want to die, I cant see myself becoming the compassionate, not loser, not pathetic pos, not useless person that I am. I am loved, but its so twisted in my head | self.SuicideWatch |
Tonight I realized it might be time to see a therapist [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Paid off student loan and lost 63 FICO score Aggressively paid off 23k over two years. After the last payment hit my score dropped 63 points. Fucked for having it, fucked for not having it. Was aiming to start looking for mortgage pre approval and this drop is a huge difference for the estimated rates.
Wish I could set the system on fire. | self.offmychest |
I accidentally made the money irder for my electric bill two cents too short. What shoukd i do? I needed $20.74 but I accidentally made the money order for $20.72. Should I just mail a dollar with the money order? I know you shouldn't put coins in an envelope. What should I do? | self.Anxiety |
Life is just absurd to begin with For three weeks now, I've had a series of suicide attempts, overdosing on medication and eating foods which I'm terribly allergic to. I get two to five episodes in a day, after being placed in a house arrest by my parents who recently discovered that I am a full time activist. After 23 years into this world I feel all life is sucked out by my environment and everyday it gets worse as I lose my will to even get up on bed. | self.depression |
Got led on again....I will never live happy. I won't go into too much detail as there is a lot to talk about. But here is the tl;dr version:
There is some girl I met at a new job I started in October, she got playful and flirty with me over the course of then and up to about last weekish, which included alluding that I'm apparently hot. She asks me to come to things like lunch or parties. Some other guy walks into the picture, apparently mounted her the same night at the first party I go to, and tells me that she didn't do that. Throughout our conversations with her, she gets very personal with me, opens up to me about very personal stuff (like depression) which tells me she trusts me a lot, and I feel that there may be something here. Turns out she was just leading me on after seeing her come out of that same guy I mentioned earlier's car this afternoon on a lunch break.
It's weird too. I finally found a job that aligns to what I went to school for. But...I'm still not happy. It's weird. Being a 27 year old virgin definitely doesn't help much. | self.depression |
Has anyone else went manic from motivational speakers? Has anyone else had a manic phase from motivational speakers?
Last year, I had a months-long hypomanic phase that was fueled by motivational speakers. I primarily listened to Les Brown, Jim Rohn, and Tony Robbins. I was drawn into them because I started my own programming business, and a lot of entrepreneurs seem to feed off motivational speakers for inspiration.
I went too far however. I listened to motivational speeches for hours a day. They were near-evangelical for me. I started to take their advice literally. They advocated things like working incessantly, taking big risks, and that riches were soon to come as a result. If the riches weren't coming, they would reason, "at least you gave it a shot." I also bought into the "Law of Attraction" meta-physical stuff associated with Scientology. This was reflected by daily Facebook posts quoting the speakers and me parroting their dogma.
As a result, I dropped my primary programming business to focus on a real estate business. I used an intentional misspelling of my last name for the business name, because I thought it would "sound better over the phone." That then morphed into an identity crisis - I wanted to change my entire legal name, because I felt like I was a different, evolved, and improved person, compared to my old depressed self, something that [Tony Robbins often advocates](https://www.tonyrobbins.com/podcasts/amplify-your-strengths-todd-herman/).
I sunk about $8,000 into real estate classes and direct mail marketing in about 3-4 weeks. This $8,000 came from my checking and savings accounts, my self-employment income and sales tax savings, maxing out credit cards, and borrowing $1,000 from a friend. When the money ran out, and I was faced with the reality of filing bankruptcy, the manic phase ended, and I attempted suicide.
I'm thankful to be in a safe place with family now, but it's been a long bumpy road since my attempt. Just curious if anyone else had a similar story. | self.bipolar |
The Only Way to Go Is Up... Right? Tonight my roommates and I watched a movie together, then they left to go have dinner with her parents.
And I sat at home and cried. I left my job 2 weeks ago, but no one has called me back about my resume. I barely eat, but am gaining weight. I'm tired yet oversleeping.
My dad told me that the doctors give him a year, maybe.
It's all so much. I'm so... not done. I can't say done. Done is... not an option.
So... here's to a better year. Here's to the last year ill have with my dad. I want to make it a good one. | self.depression |
I think I finally need to get help
This is gonna be a bit of a wall of text, but it's necessary for full context and writing helps calm my nerves.
The first time I remember having any kind of panic/anxiety attack was when I was about 12 years old on the return trip from Universal Studios in Orlando. We lived in FL so it was only about a 3 and half hour drive home. I'm sitting between my older brother and sister when out of the blue I just feel panicky and trapped. I started crying that I needed to get out of the car NOW! It was the middle of the night and we were on a stretch of road with immediate exits. My mom had me put my head between my knees and just try and breathe easier. After a while I was fine.
Thought nothing of it, just a random fit from an exhausting day.
Some time later-maybe a few months? I wake up feeling incredibly nauseous, faint and shaky. It freaked me the fuck out. I thought I was getting majorly sick. As I still had no real frame of reference for panic and anxiety (other than my mother having it-but it was such a foreign concept to me a kid I never put two and two together) I just thought it was the flu hitting hard. I can't remember if i woke my parents up or not, but it did pass within an hour or so. I fluffed it off again. Then not too long after that, I guess about six months later, I got sick for real. Stomach flu. A BAAAAAD case of it. Took me out close to three weeks. Had to go to the hospital and everything. It was a horrible, horrible experience. I couldn't sleep. I would lay in bed half conscious with fever sweats, tossing and turning. For a few nights...every little move I made had me in the bathroom on the toilet. I couldn't keep anything in. One night I was laying in my parents trying to relax with them...and I shat myself. Got it on the sheets and everything. I think after that my parents felt it was best to not just wait it out.
I was so weak and out of it in the hospital that I remember shuffling, zombie-like, to the bathroom only to puke up bile everywhere. This sucked because I thought I was over the vomitted stage. They pumped me full of liquids, gave me some meds and sent me on my way. I got better after a few weeks.
Ever since then, an upset stomach ROYALLY fucks me up. My anxiety really manifested in high school during my Sophomore year after another, less bad, bout of the stomach flu. Any time I felt as if my stomach was slightly upset, I would freak out and think I was gonna puke. I know fear of vomiting in a thing, and I don't think I have it as severely as others, but boy, is there not much in the world I dread more than throwing up. When I puke I puke HARD. I can't breathe it comes out so strong. It's all I can do t gasp for air between projectiling again. MY whole body aches for hours and hours after as well due to the strain.
I worked myself up into such a tizzy in my sophomore year I basically became a recluse for a few weeks. I had this constant pit in my gut that freaked me out and I just could not stop stressing over getting sick again. I was home from school for close to a month. My mom let my girlfriend (now wife) sleep over just to keep me on an even keel. My mother took me to get some tests done-everything negative. Went to a psych, got some meds and evened out for a while.
Ever since my panic/anxiety has been erratic. I never sought professional help, choosing to just self-discipline when I would feel bad. General anxiety here, maybe a bad but brief panic attack there-nothing so serious as to seek counseling. So many people have it worse, right? Don't be a baby. You can deal with this. This was my mantra...for years, I'm almost 30 now.
My gut and my anxiety are a 1-in-1 thing. And ever since a particularly bad vacation experience three years ago, my anxiety and gut problems are basically a constant. Long story short, on the long drive back home from a nice vacation, I shit my pants and had to pull over three times so I could go in the woods...as we took the scenic route home. This fucked me up so bad I had a repeat of my recluse days in high school-only longer. We live in a rural area, so anything fun to do in a bit of a drive. And that drive, no matter what route, has long stretches where public bathrooms aren't readily accessible. I would literally map out restroom stops whenever I did force myself to leave the house. And I've have to pull over suddenly I don't know how many times so as to not crap myself.
This has slowly turned into depression. I have stupid mood swings out of nowhere where I get really quiet and angry and everything sucks. I get to where I just want to do nothing and lay down forever. I get angry and lash out. And even admitting all this, I was still too stubborn to seek help. I would work on it on my own, looking up self-help shit online. I can go weeks, maybe even a few months, without much incident. But then BAM here it is again.
I did go to the doctor to check out my bowels. I'm not that dumb. Everything was fine there too. IBS exacerbated by anxiety.
But even the comfort of the diagnosis didn't help for long. Within the past year of so, I've woken up in full panic mode, shaking, nauseous, the works. It can last hours. It's happened enough that I told myself the nausea was a bluff, that it was just my panic attack making it worse. Until one night I did actually vomit. Felt better after, too.
What prompted me to type this was that I just had another episode of the wake-up shakes and nausea. Puked again, too. Feel better, but still have an uncomfortable gut like I may puke again. I don't think it's a real bug, I have no fever and other than the fatigue of the puking and the mild upset, I feel fine.
I'm sick of this shit. I through being stubborn. I through putting myself through hell and my wife through hell. I don't want to wake up puking at 4 am in the morning ever again due to this shit! I'm finally getting over my stubborn jack-assery and am going to seek help.
| self.Anxiety |
I think tomorrow morning will be it. I don’t want to live anymore. Hey,
I feel like a fucking asshole posting here. I just made a new reddit account for this. I’ve felt like this for a long time. I lost the woman I wanted children with. The woman I wanted to marry. I’m 26 and spent five years with her. I was bad to her. I had never been on prescription medication in my life but I’m on Celexa now. I can’t wake up in time for work. I drink a lot now. I don’t skate or make music or write or progress or do anything like I used to. I’m not sad right now, I just know I have to do this. I searched “suicide” on reddit and this was the only result. I feel like the app is blocking communities that I could post to.
I almost did this earlier but I have four younger siblings that I love so much. But shit, every day is regret. She’s probably going to marry her new man soon and I don’t want to be around for it.
I just don’t feel afraid of it anymore. I’ve figured out arrangements and wouldn’t leave my family with too much to deal with. | self.SuicideWatch |
Finally seeing a counselor after 40+ years trying to deal with anxiety I’ve always been “hypersensitive”, always concerned with what others thought of me, self-conscious about myself , easily moved to tears when small things don’t go right (you can imagine what happens with big stuff), Even typing this now, the tears are forming. I am 48 years old, and I’ve managed to get to a place in my life where I can work on “me”,
I’ve been with the same company for almost 28 years, and people think that I’ve got drive and ambition but it’s really just the fear of failure that’s got me this far. I enjoy my work for the most part, but probably because I’ve become good at what I do, and it’s no longer difficult. My greatest fear is that they will eventually see that I’m not worth keeping around. Then I’ll be fucked, since I’ve got a huge mortgage and I’ll be unable to get my salary range because of my age.
I think I’ve been to the counselor 4 times, and I think it’s helping, but I’m not ready to give over complete trust to a person I barely know and become emotional during a session. Is this normal? I’m in uncharted territory with this and I’m afraid to feel humiliated in front of someone I don’t really know. | self.Anxiety |
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