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I don't feel well. Hey, I'm a highschool freshman and this has been the lowest I've ever been from the past three years of feeling like I should be gone. Buckle up your seatbelts because this'll probably be pretty long.
Since the beginning of this year, I've been wanting to die; I feel so lonely and as if nobody actually cares about me.
So, there's my primary friendship group; the people I hang out with the most. All of my (2) "genuine" female friends pretty much don't give two shits about me because I tend to act really clingy to them and other people because I've been friends with them since first grade and don't want to lose them. One of my female friends is kinda popular and she barely talks to me, and I just feel like I'm undeserving of her time or something; she's also kinda claimed my other female friend, so I don't get as much time to hang out with them as I used to. My guy friends are also a bit popular and they also happen to be dating my two female friends lol. They do make me feel happy talking to them, and I do hang out with them a lot, but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be hanging out with them all that much because then I'm "stealing" them from my friends. I also get pretty bummed not being in a relationship when my other friends are, and I do feel like I'm not needed amongst any of my friends. (Basically, I just feel like the rebound when one of my friends aren't there).
Can we actually talk about one of my female friends a bit more, actually? We'll call her M and my other female friend B. We met M last year and we invited her to hang out with us during our lunches. M was going through a tough time and we helped her out all the time and it was great making a new really close friend. She was really fun to talk to, but I don't know...sometimes she says some shit to me that makes me kinda bummed. I remember telling her how I felt kinda depressed once, and she said something along the lines of "Stop asking for attention and actually do something". Another time, I was hanging out with B's boyfriend, but the next day, M was mad at me and told me I shouldn't take him from B (which I do get and feel bad for, but B is totally cool with it and understands how me and her boyfriend hang out :p) Recently, (I don't remember what initiated the conversation really) M and I were talking (which rarely happens anymore), and she was talking about how she feels like she doesn't have anyone that actually cares for her, when she has so many people that clearly do care about her and love her. Then she proceeds to tell me to actually go and make friends again. I hate being petty and talking about other people, but I just don't feel comfortable being very close to her anymore and I'm not sure she's interested in talking to me either.
So then that leaves like two male friends, and again because they're in relationships with B and M, I'm trying to pace myself with hanging out with them so one of them don't get upset. It's also pretty hard to make friends in a school where most people are white and really attractive, or already have their place. I'm a non-attractive Asian female that tends to make weird jokes and seem really masculine with the way that I mainly put forward, and I just don't fit in anywhere. I have a lot of anxiety of what people think of me, so then I sometimes struggle with talking to people. I wouldn't say people dislike me at all, it's just that nobody would hang out with me outside of school and it's hard to find people that are willing to spend time with me.
There's also the problem with others' expectations of me;; Almost all my life, I've been deemed "smart", which has caused so much pressure and anxiety throughout the years. My parents really want me to do well in school, and peers think I'm so great at everything. I *thought* it would go away after elementary school, but even here, people consider me being so "smart" and able to do anything. With currently a ~95 average in my classes, it's extremely difficult to maintain that and I feel like if I do any worse, someone is going to get mad at me. People expect me and think I'm so good, but really I'm just average at literally everything I do.
I also have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm not very good at anything, and I have so many interests, it's hard to pin down something that I *should* do with my time. Nothing really interests me enough to do it for like 25~40 years of my life, and the things I would be interested in have literally no way of making a living off of or is something totally unachievable. I feel like I can't make any difference to anyone in the world, and I'll die not making an impression on anyone or having anyone really care about me in the end.
I've been hurting myself since about third grade, mostly from scratching myself with my nails until it leaves a mark for a few days and hitting myself on the back of the head. It's extremely satisfying and I feel like it's a good thing to punish myself for being such a waste.
So that's pretty much the gist of it, I guess? Mostly just problems with self worth and having others view me a certain way. There is some other stuff, but nothing that I can really think of at the top of my head. These past 3 months have been excruciating, and I haven't gone a day without thinking I should just end it all and give up. I want to be happy, but that just seems so far away and I don't know if me living benefits anyone. Admittedly, I don't want to die, but I *do* at the same time? I feel like I have no place in the world and I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling because none of them are actually willing to hear what I have to say, so now I'm just dumping my feelings on Reddit. I'm tired of living and feeling like shit. I don't remember the last time I genuinely felt happy to be alive. I want someone I'm close to tell me that they love me and care about me and say I'm not a useless piece of garbage and that what I say isn't meaningless or invalid. I don't want to feel alone. I don't ask to feel alone. I feel alone because I am alone, and I feel like I can't tell anyone this because I don't want them to walk out of my life.
I'm sorry if this seemed really petty and like I'm just bitching about some shitty first world problems, because I know I am. :/ I just feel kinda down right now and I haven't been able to tell someone how I actually feel in months.
So yeah. Thanks for reading, stranger. Sorry for the inconvenient text wall.
| self.depression |
Latuda/Alcohol interaction So, brand new to this sub. Been rediagnosed with Bipolar 1 (as an adult, first diagnosis was when I was around 8.) I'd stopped seeing psych/therapists due to my ignorant adolescence and thinking I could fix myself. Years later, trying to balance a job and school has proven to be quite difficult and given recent circumstances the bipolar is starting to come back with a vengeance.
I am on Trileptal 150mg twice a day and have been very recently put on Latuda 20mg in junction. I haven't necessarily gotten a feel for Latuda yet as it's only been about 4 days, however my psychiatrist recommended keeping drinks down as far as possible when I do. On most weekends I have anywhere from 6-10 drinks at least 2 days of the weekend. This has been due to some sort of "coping mechanism". I know alcohol is extremely competitive with neurotransmitters but I am curious and concerned as to how it would interact with Latuda.
Tomorrow I expect to go to a party and I have a serious issue with self control and alcohol, being that when I drink, I aim to get very drunk. I haven't taken it(Latuda) when I drink, erring on the side of caution. Do I need to completely reform habits and thus myself in order to truly gain the benefits of the medication, and what kind of interactions happen with alcohol and Latuda?
Apologies for the novella, and thanks for understanding and replies :) | self.bipolar |
Anybody have any alcohol recommendations? It's my 21st birthday and I plan to not "be aware" the whole day. I don't know where my life is currently. I don't feel happy. I hate my life. I hate that others around me are so successful all the goddamn time. At least now that I'm 21, I can numb the pain with booze whenever I want and further destroy my life.. | self.depression |
I went running today My girlfriend dumped me yesterday, I felt lower than I ever had before. Spent the rest of the day in bed, alternating between staring at the ceiling and crying. A whole lot of hours spent on nothing but self-pity. Wasn't fun. When I woke up this morning, I was so disgusted with myself that I thought, fuck it, got nothing to lose, I'm gonna go hit the pavement.
And it was okay. I went for two miles or so before I stopped, didn't get a runner's high or anything like that, but it managed to dull all the hateful feelings I have for myself. I was able to relax for a couple hours afterward without my mind spinning all over the place. I've heard people call exercise the "wonder drug," Wikipedia says it's supposed to be as powerful as any antidepressant. Right now, I'm not sure that I really see it, but maybe if I stick with it, things will get better. | self.depression |
Latuda Question for anyone who's taken or taking latuda now.
How many days before you noticed an improvement in mood?
thanks | self.bipolar |
Feeling ashamed, depressed and embarrassed about my recent (forced) career change... I graduated with a political science degree in August of 2016. During undergrad, I only worked at Target for 4 years and did an internship in youth advocacy.
I graduated with a pretty good GPA, then got a job at a telecommunications company where I only made about 28k per year as a bottom of the barrel, entry level project manager.
I spent eight months there until I was offered a job doing legal research for a real estate law firm where I was making nearly 40k per year...it only lasted for 4 months until I got fired for a number of reasons. My anxiety, poor communication at work, and the fact that people weren't buying houses in my area led to me losing my job.
It's been three months. I temped at a warehouse for two months, but I'm finally back on my feet working for the state at my DHHR as a youth service worker. Once I finish training, I'll be making around 29k per year, only slightly more than I made at the telecom place...
I'm happy that I'm on track now, but upset about the path I've taken in life. I always wanted to help people for a living and I've finally gotten the chance to do so. But the path I took to get here, and the things that I could have done better are haunting me. That, and all of the people my age and older who are saying that my degree is worthless, and that I should have gone to trade school...hey, my parents strongly encouraged me to go to college..I was on track to enlist in the military until my parents threw a fit :\
Things aren't all bad. I'm medicated now. I manage my issues much better. I live on my own. But, I'm worried about the future. It'll take over a year until I get a chance at a raise. It'll take four years until I can become a licensed social worker, and two years until I'm offered any tuition reimbursement. I plan on going back to school. But man...right now, I still feel like I'm in the pits. I'm okay, I'm taking it day by day, but this is the worst depressive episode I've had since I lost my job in September. I could really use whatever words you guys have right now. | self.depression |
Fuck society. Society is such shit towards undesirable male FAs... In three lines. This is what we want...
What male FAs want is to feel valued on the sexual marketplace. To feel like they are worthy and desirable as sexual creatures. Sex is not the end goal, it is just a symptom of being valuable and desirable as a sexual creature.
People just don’t fucking understand that. It doesn’t pierce through their child level developed skull. They give bullshit like “see an escort” or some other bullshit. | self.depression |
Chronic Burping, Bloating, hiccuping, doc says anxiety? Hey, I have had weird throat burps and hiccups which feel like hot gassy fumes passing up my throat. these symptoms have been here for about a year. These symptoms become worse after a meal but are also present on an empty stomach. Upper endoscopy, PH and barium swallow are crystal clear. GI specialist thinks that it is caused by anxiety, breathing too much air into stomach and constant rumination on my symptoms. I am not sure if I believe him or not. I feel like it must be LPR or some other digestive condition. That being said, I am very anxious and depressed.
This is probably too rare a condition to get any help with, but just wanted to throw it out there I guess
thanks guys | self.Anxiety |
Still really struggling with this internal vertigo/ woozy/ heavy eyes generally a bit spaced out weird feeling.. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Why go on when you dont enjoy life? Hopefully someone can provide their own take on this
I dont want anything in life. I dont really have goals. Ambitions. No real desires. Theres not a dream job i want. I'm just lonely and sad. And broken. I just wanted friends and someone to spend my life with. There was a point where i was working towards career in college, but i realized i only stayed at college to hang with my friends. Being 2 years in i wanted to just power through the last few years but i was failing classes and was really unhappy there. So dropped out and became really depressed. And then the last friend i had helped me through it. And i started working towards something. I got a job and went back to college. But i realized these things didnt make me that happy. Theres nothing i really wanted the money for. So I set up schedule up in a way that would allow me to have a job and still hang out with my friend. I was going to college so i can get do independent work which would leave me time to just be with my friends, enjoy life, hang out eat and shit like that. Life kept getting worse and worse and mentally i feel apart so bad. And lost my job and failed college. Lost my last friend.
We eventually made up and it took months but i eventually got another job and tried college again for the third time. But i wasnt as mentally together as i used to be. And my life just kept getting worse. And the last friend eventually told me that we couldnt hang out anymore. That i needed to get my life together and to make sure i wasnt doing it for him we cant really be friends anymore.
This has left me to think about what "getting my life together" meant to me. Nothing. I'll admit that i let myself go and stopped building a future for myself. But half the reason was because i dont really want anything. These no big future i envisioned for myself. I was setting my life up in a way so i can just be friends and that was enough for me. But i do want to be happy. And i told myself that i'd mentally get it together. That i'd pick my life back up. But honestly wants the point. Happiness was my friend(s). Im working for the sake of working. Im going to college for a career i dont even want to do all my life. I dont have a career in mind. I enjoy my hobbies because i get to do it when i want to. And it suddenly hit me why should I have to endure and suffer for nothing. Why put up with all of this. Just to live a life i never wanted. Just to be alone. My life was together because it allowed me to be with the people i cared about. If those people arent there then what am i doing this for. I have no need for this money out side of basic needs like food. I stopped caring about all of this
and it suddenly hit me that i cant just "get it together" so we can be friends again because that defeats the purpose. we stopped being friends because he wants me to pick myself up for myself. I cant just replace him with another friend because im doing the same thing we stopped being friends for. And im trying, trying so fucking hard to just find the strength to just suffer and get through this, i'd cry everynight but atleast i'd have a job, atleast i'd have my own apartment. But none of that means anything to me. So why even bother. Why cant i just be a fucking miserable sack of shit with a job and a career. It takes so much out of me to just exist in agony, so much fucking endurance to convince myself that i can do this. | self.SuicideWatch |
Sad thoughts I'll get sad thoughts out of nowhere and I don't know how to deal with them. I don't why I get them. I could be having a good day and then abruptly I think of something sad. It doesn't happen everyday but every now and then. It takes a little while for me get through it. Do this happen to you? | self.Anxiety |
Got a job offer through email which I counter offered and didn’t get a response [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Probably tonight’s the night [16M] I’m just so tired of everything. Tired of living, which is a synonym of pain. Tired of being useless, which I’ve been since conception. Tired of being abused, like everyone does to me. Tired of work, the driving force of society.
I’m so tired. I don’t want to do anything. I’m failing shit. Homework’s a bitch, I essentially boycotted it. Got barely any friends and the ones I do have could definitely do better. The strongest female bonds I’ve made are with my teachers, and not in the fun way. I mean as teachers.
I’ve been wanting to die a while now. I’ve gotten an infection of hope, a thing that has only ever hurt me. Trying anything important results in failure. But hope was banging my head against a brick wall. I know better and I no longer have it.
The only thing that’s been holding me back from doing it was a lack of a gun. I remember looking in my ndad’s closet for one I remember he showed me years prior, but I couldn’t find it. So I put it off.
But I can’t handle this shit anymore. I know we have vodka. I know we have pills. That could do, I suppose. I’ll just fake sick again, and if I live, I’ll wake up before they know I tried. Assuming I don’t leave a trail of tears, pills, and vodka.
I don’t know. Only thing holding me back at this point is chance of failure and discovery. I just want to be gone so, so bad. Please, someone help me through this hellhole. | self.SuicideWatch |
Nothing new I thought 2018 would be my year but it's been the worst yet. I found out that I can't join the navy, or get a security clearance due to my financial and mental state. I lost my full-time job and haven't heard back from any of my resumes. I only see a future as a wage slave with massive student loan debt. I always told myself that I would kill myself at 30 if my life ended up like this. I guess 2018 is my last. | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm at my fucking limit and I can't take it anymore [NAW] I just deleted my post because although I feel beaten down and bothered by things for a very long time, it will probably just get shot down for being "wrong" in some way. I can't talk about anything or go anywhere or do anything without being ground down in some way. Everything I love or am passionate about in this world gets taken away from me or destroyed. Everything I do is blocked in some way. Everything I think or I feel is put down. Everything I do is "wrong" in some way. I can't breathe without someone attacking me or without having every little thing recorded for some company to collect and do whatever they want with the information to manipulate and control my life. It's like having some sick pathetic parent with a personality disorder running the world. How sad is that. | self.offmychest |
How do you see yourself in 5 years? That gotta be the most depressing question ever | self.depression |
I know im "weird" I dont need you telling me that you old decrepit piece of shit. You are the reason everything is fucked up take that to your grave when you FINALLY fucking die asshole.
Fathers a real pieces of shit. Selfishly bring us into this world then judge us for what we are not to them (what they want us to be)
Seriously please fucking die already I hate you more than ANYTHING and ANYONE in this and all universes you old abusive dehumanizing piece of shit. If anyone who cares and reads this and empathizes fucking pray it with me.
| self.depression |
I’m New to this. So um.. I don’t think I have depression, and I haven’t seen a doctor. I am afraid to. See, I cut for the third time tonight after fighting with my boyfriend and am very suicidal. I’m terrified of people finding out or noticing and I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I want to die but I’m not going to attempt. I wouldn’t be able to. I just need someone to talk to , even if it’s a bunch of strangers over Reddit. I don’t think I’ll kill myself but I’m starting to consider it and I’m just overall depressed right now and need someone to talk to about it. | self.SuicideWatch |
Lithium suddenly not working? So for the past month I've been pretty bad at taking my meds. (Lithium in the morning and olanzapine at night, which was working ok) I'm trying to get back to taking them consistently but the days i take my lithium are the days i end up feeling the most unstable. Has anyone else had this happen? And if so did you have to change Meds or what did you do? | self.bipolar |
I'm done I think I'll be dead by the end of the week. I'm sorry to everyone reading this. I didn't mean to waste your time. I just need to tell someone. I don't care about life anymore. Nothing had any value or meaning.i don't find joy in anything. My dogs are the only reason I'm still alive but I don't think they can save me now. Hopefully what I choose to do works. | self.SuicideWatch |
I discovered my friend died a week ago from now. [deleted] | self.depression |
What are your hobbies? I am having trouble staying engaged in things I enjoy, what are some things you do to keep your mind engaged in, and keep enjoys your hobbies? What are your hobbies as well | self.bipolar |
Does anyone know how to go about obtaining a service dog? It was recently suggested that a service dog may help with anxiety and depression. How does one go about getting one? | self.Anxiety |
Medication Shame Today, a colleague was talking about how 'lithium, the thing used in batteries and other stuff' was also being used to medicate people with 'mental problems'. That those people would end up with scrambled brains. At first, I was incredibly embarrassed and upset. However, I decided that I needed to say something (I'm reasonably close with the other colleagues present, although they don't know about my BP, they know I've had depression etc). I told this individual that I take lithium and I suffered from depression and Ocd as a teenager. He asked me if I was worried about taking 'something they use in batteries' and I explained that there are many chemicals that are broadly used and that taking lithium helps me to be the best version of myself. Everyone was kind of awkward and I told them that it wasn't something to worry about and that mental health issues need to be discussed openly. The colleague later came and apologized incase they had offended me.
My point is: don't feel ashamed because you are taking your medication. Be proud because you are working your ass off. | self.bipolar |
To anyone who will listen, thank you. My name is Brandon. I have been dealing with bipolar disorder and severe depression all of my life. I am in so much pain these last few years that I am ready to take my life now, but I'm a piece of trash with no one to really talk to so I'd like to leave my goodbye/story/thoughts here, just in the hopes that someone will bare witness. Thank you if you do so.
Growing up my parents were separated. My mom moved me around a lot but I was always close to my dad. He was a body builder, a surfer, a chef, and a hilarious pothead. He also had a bad temper and mood swings. When I was 8 and living out of state with my mom he was diagnosed with complete kidney failure and it took everything from him. He went from 220 all muscle to 160 skin and bone, having to suffer through dialysis every other day. He couldn't eat the food he cooked anymore, couldn't lift weights, and couldn't surf anymore. I'll never forget the day I came back to my home state to see him and he exited the house he was staying at looking so sick and defeated. He looked ashamed to be alive. Even at 8 years old I knew that I understood life in that moment; the fact that it's all a cruel joke. The fact that anything you build or love will die and only cause you terrible pain.
I watched my dad suffer and wither away for 15 years. As a kid he used to come into my room at night and tell me he was going to just kill himself. I was around 12. I can't explain the pain and panic that brought me. He would be the coolest guy ever most times, but he would have violent outbursts and destroy my things a lot too. Anyways... It was just terrible to see and it has caused me a lot of sorrow and given me a viewpoint about life no one my age shares. Before you judge my dad you should know I learned in my 20s he was molested by his stepdad an a kid and was never treated for his own bipolar depression.
My dad also started smoking weed with me around 13 or 14. Anyways I loved it and became a musician. Thought I was too cool for school. Just focused on music.
That's the beginning of my life. Without going into tons of detail I'm sure you can figure out where that road led. I'm a fat worthless loser now, my bands never worked out, and I'm a nothing now.
I watched my dad die at 23. I'm 29 now. Since then my bipolar disorder and depression have been even worse than they were all my life. I've been completely in fucking hell. I've become an alcoholic, I've lost all my friends, and now I'm 29 years old sleeping on the floor at my moms house.
I live hear at me mom's (like a fucking loser) because a little less than a year ago I lost the only good job I've ever had do to a mental breakdown.
I want to repeat: I'm 29 years old. I've gotten fat since being an alcoholic, I have no money, no job, no formal education, I have no will to live, no friends (because I ruin everything I touch), and zero talent. I came here to get help because I was so suicidal, but my family is in a small shitty town and there is no help. I can't find a job with insurance. My life is shit and it's too late to fix, that's just a pure fact.
I just want to say how much I hate this world and myself. How sick and evil of a joke this life and all our effort is. I'm sorry i wasn't a better son and I gave you nothing to be proud of dad. I wish I wasn't such an ugly worthless piece of shit and I could have done something with the small potential I once had, but that time has passed. I've failed at life and I deserve to die, plus it's the only way to escape this pain and the hopeless road infront of me. I'm sorry to the friends I pushed away with my alcoholismand general annoying personality. I'm sorry for existing and being such a piece of shit loser with no will or ambition.
Where I once had friends; I am alone. I can't enjoy a movie, book, song, or video game anymore because all I think is how much of a failure I am for never living my dreams with my failed art.
That's it. That's the best I can do to communicate the hell I feel inside.
I hope your life is better. I hope you are better than me.
| self.SuicideWatch |
This is My Battle hello hey hi everyone, my names casey and i’ve been going through my bout with depression for about 5 months now. allow me to set the scene for those who care. i’ll include a tl;dr at bottom.
everything was good and dandy for nearly 5 years, i had found a girl who was 100% accepting of everything i had; depression and the thoughts of ending everything. albeit, we both lived on different continents (her in europe and myself in america). even through the distance i found the confidence and trust to fully confide in her for everything. she was the literal meaning on my life, without her i had absolutely nothing. now come to present day, she left in september (a bit partially my fault) and depression has taken over my life again. i’ve lost my support system, my backbone, my outlet, i’ve lost everything now. i do understand that it’s idiotic to put everything into something that might not even be there forever, but i swear that i truly believed she was the one for me and would have her help me through it all.
additionally, i’ll have gone 13 years without my father this month. now it just seems that everything that i had built up is now suddenly gone in me. it’s every day that i feel like i’m just a shell walking around doing my daily tasks, which are basically limited to work and playing football manager. i can feel as if now that my depression has resurfaced, that i have this dreadful look on my face essentially telling anyone and everyone to fuck off. and now with the holidays here, seeing everyone’s own happiness is like a laugh in my face with depression.
i know there’s a possible end to my battle right now, but i can’t see anything. i guess what i’d like to ask is how you guys deal with your battles (no medication/therapy as i can’t afford it), how do your go about daily life “faking happiness”?
thank you for reading and any possible help.
tl;dr - depression repressed for years cause of girl i was in love with, she leaves for someone else, depression re-emerges, the platform she helped me build is gone, i have nothing, no hope or faith, nothing, brokenness of girlfriend leaving is still taking its toll and effect on me. | self.depression |
I fucked up really bad and lost my job I was a living with a host family in a foreign country. I didn't tell them about my depression because I was scared they wouldn't accept me. As it was I had to give them a letter from my therapist vouching for me because I told them about some grief counselling I attended - my dad died 3 years ago yesterday.
I thought I was doing ok for the most part until last weekend. The family and I went up to the mountains with another few families. No one spoke to me in English for over 10 hours, and then I started thinking about how I never had the ability to go on a family holiday like this when I was a kid because my dad was so ill. I was having a depressive episode, but I was trying to take part in the activities.
In the evening we went down into the village to walk around. All the adults together and all the kids together, and me keeping my distance trying not to cry and dailing for the most part, but it was dark so no one saw. There was this church type thing that we were at. I was very deep in thought, and then one of the kids jumped out and scared me. I wasn't expecting it, and I clipped him on the head. His mother turned around and saw what I had done. I didn't know what to do, so I just said that he scared me. She gave me a bad look, but after that everything went back to normal. The kid - a 12 year old - wasn't hurt, and he was still messing about.
On Tuesday morning a person from the programme came to the school I was working at, and told me that the family had sent in a report saying I had hit the kid. Not only that but they said I wasn't keeping my room clean enough and I wasn't interacting with the family enough. They said that the family hadn't wanted me removed, and the report from the school said I was doing well, but they decided it was too risky and told me they were ending my association with the program.
I was blindsided. The entire week I hadn't suspected we had any problems. They were telling me about their plans and asking me about mine. I was making an effort to talk to them about what I was doing. I hadn't even sent in my copy of the report because I didn't want to seem like I was complaining. The program told the school and the family the day before, and told them not to say anything to me. The shock was horrible.
They've put me up in a hostel, and I'm going home tomorrow. I haven't felt this awful about myself in years. I feel like a monster. I'm so ashamed. The host family haven't spoken to me since. Neither has anyone at school. I feel like a pariah. I want to apologise, but I'm scared of how they'd recieve it. I'm also scared that if I explain myself they'll get the impression that I'm a crazy dangerous person. And a part of me feels like that's deserved, because I did something so horrible. There's also a part of me that feels betrayed and defensive because they told the programme that I was doing badly but never said anything to me, but I also feel like I deserve that too.
When I go back home I'm going to try and get some counselling, which is a nightmare on the NHS but I don't have much money. I hate the idea of trying to explain this to a therapist and being judged harshly.
I just want to die really, but I'm also too scared to try to do that, because then I'll really be crazy. | self.depression |
Every time I'm in an argument I question and doubt myself I'm currently in a fight with my boyfriend and I can't stop asking myself if my crazy is showing.
How do you know if your feelings are logical and reasonable? I've felt justified before when I wasn't medicated and can see where I was clearly wrong while looking back. I'm fully medicated and have been doing really well, but I keep doubting myself now.
| self.bipolar |
“Why aren’t you better yet?” I only got diagnosed as Bipolar 2 recently, although it’s long been suspected by literally everyone I’ve ever met. I started on lithium a few weeks ago and all anyone is asking me is “aren’t you feeling better yet?” “When will you be better?” And “when will the meds work?”.
It’s a little upsetting as I just don’t know the answer... how did you guys deal with questions like this? | self.bipolar |
Today is the day Too many signs - today is the day.
On a campus with limited resources, what is the quickest/cheapest way to do this? I don't want to be talked out of it, I just need to know how to get this done. | self.SuicideWatch |
Nightmares I’m still having nightmares after you told me you tried to kill yourself. Last night was the worst. In my dream I saw your body, and you had left me a note. You blamed me.
You don’t realize... I had to take a hard line. And I had to be harsh with you or I wouldn’t have been strong enough to stay away. You didn’t want me anyway, so it hardly matters. But If I didn’t push you away, then knowing what I know... I’d be such a hypocrite. You did things to hurt people, and even if I forgive you, they aren’t mine to forgive.
I said I loved you unconditionally, but I didn’t expect that to be tested. And now that it has... I do. I miss you every fucking day and I’m sure you barely remember I exist.
I’m sure you hate me, and it’s so much easier to know you hate me than telling you I’m still in love with you. That you set me on fire, and I was happy. That I’m afraid I’ll never feel like that again. You made it very clear that I was only a temporary thing, even when I was with you. But now, I’m nothing.
I wish you knew how loved you are. | self.offmychest |
Just one of those day Just one of those days where everything is great,everything went well,but still those old thoughts keep you awake just wanting to aau fuck it and end it all | self.SuicideWatch |
Alone on Christmas for the first time. This is a pretty shitty feeling. Lots happened and now because of said things I'm alone for Christmas. To anyone that has to go through this as well I don't understand how you do it, I cant stop sobbing with how alone I am right now. There's a lot of things Im grateful for but right now I yearn for human interaction. I would never wish this on anyone and I hope anyone experiencing this can have a change. This is terrible and no one should ever go through it. I love you all. | self.offmychest |
I'm tired of living. I'm already 21, already dropped out of college once, I want to drop out again, and I have no idea what to do. I just don't want to exist anymore. I'm stupid as hell and I know I can't keep up with any career. I just feel like there isn't any options left. | self.depression |
When people send me nice cards I put them in a binder and look at them when I'm suicidal [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Got prescribed lamotrigine 50 mg? Not sure what its doing Pretty went to the psychiatrist early December of last year, and they give me 2 different kinds of medication, neither seem to be helping. I mean I don't get super mad (albeit temper was an issue but maybe the police coming kinda made me see sense in getting to upset) but still need to sometimes walk out the room and chill out. I don't really feel any different other than real tired and hungry? They said it would help with my lack of motivation and drive. The other medication helps with serotonin levels but again didn't feel anything. My mood is real shitty only with my girlfriend soon to be wife, I'll berate her with my rants and angry issues for no reason? Any advice? Found out I have severe depression and a real lack of motivation and drive, my mom suffers from bipolar so the doctors assume I have it. Pretty much just wondering if their is other medication or if I need to up my dose or anything of the soft and advice would be amazing, thanks | self.bipolar |
Suicide note Does anyone know a way of leaving a suicide note for online friends that would be sent after some time? | self.SuicideWatch |
I know I am depressed but I have no energy to do anything to counter it. I've been searching for a job for 4 months to no avail (I used to have an office job for 4 years before quitting it to take a leap of faith to migrate to another country), and from the second month onward, I've plunged deeper and deeper into depression.
Back then in uni days, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was put on medications. I've been off them since my graduation, because I didn't want to depend on them for the rest of my life and I didn't really have the funds to continue the treatment back then.
These days I feel exactly like I am slogging through those low energy periods again. My mind would never shut down at my usual bedtime and at times anxiety would keep me awake until 5 or 6 o'clock in the morning. My biological clock is a total mess, in the morning I would just sleep in and refuse to wake up, even though it's already past noon. I tend to shy away from as much social interaction as possible; I just plainly don't want to meet anyone, it freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. I even refuse to answer any emails or continue the dreary job searching and job application.
I know that I am in a big mess. I disgust myself for my lack of energy and determination to do anything. But then when I'm faced with the colossal task at hand, I'd chicken out, then I'd sleep on it, hoping that everything would somehow sort themselves out, only to find myself wake up in the next morning groggy and lethargic. Nothing has changed, and I'm still deep in depression. | self.depression |
Severe neck tension Hi all,
Whenever I'm out around people or just basically going throughout my day, like many with anxiety I'm constantly tense.
However, the back of my neck is the absolutel worst, and it literally feels like where all of my stress is being poured into. I feel like I can't function at times, where it's hard to drink something, and it seems to cause a myriad of other issues.
Does anyone have something similar? Ways to help relieve it? What to do in the moment when it's bad like at work or class?
Thank you so much. | self.Anxiety |
How do I deal with insensitive people? I literally just had a close friend tell me "I mean honestly, I know people who have it so much worse than you and they are handling it so much better". What do I even do with that? | self.depression |
Do I hate my life because I'm depressed, or am I depressed because I hate my life? I currently can't stand being at work. No interest, anxiety while I'm there.
Now I'm visiting my dad's house for Thanksgiving and can't stand being social with anyone here.
I think and hope it's my depression causing this. I hope when it passes I'll be able to enjoy these things like I once did. | self.depression |
Struggling with depression Ok so I’m the recent months I have become so depressed and it’s not until the recent weeks I have really accepted that’s how I feel. I feel so numb to my emotions and my anxiety has hit an all time peak. I see a therapist but I don’t have the money to go and talk to her at the moment. I’m so sick of feeling like this, I struggle to sleep, last night I think I had about half an hour.
Please help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. | self.depression |
Silly hats and Friendsmas gratitude Could I just take a moment to share how grateful I am for the amazing people in my life?
Backstory: Every year after everyone comes back from holidays with their families, we all get together for our own "Friendsmas". It's mostly just us room mates but we'll usually invite some other folks over too.
Friends or not, my anxiety doesn't care. People + noise = PANIC.
I broke my headphones last month, which was devastating because they've always been a source of security for me. They make things not so scary and loud and I feel like I can hide under them. Not having them was bad and I had a hard time leaving my room when everyone came over. The only thing I could find was a ridiculous hat that was big enough to hide my face and cover my ears, but then I was afraid of standing out. I finally got the nerve to leave the room and hide off in a corner when one of my room mates came up and quietly asked "So...silly hats party?" I'm like "...okay?"
So he runs to his room, comes back out wearing a ridiculous hat, then announces "SILLY HATS PARTY!" Then *everyone* goes to their rooms looking for hats, and by the time they were done every person in the room was wearing something ridiculous on their head!
That was yesterday and now I'm sitting here sniffling like a dork because that was seriously the nicest thing, and then when everyone took turns opening their presents I got to open mine quietly alongside whoever's turn it was so I wouldn't have to be the center of attention, and *then*, on top of that, the entire house banded together to gift me a new pair of headphones AND a weighted blanket! Aaand now I'm crying for real, haha. Thanks friend-family, I love you guys <3 | self.Anxiety |
2018 is gonna be my last year. Almost everyday i always find reasons to kill myself. Things get better but only for a short amount of time.The way my family and my parents treat me , its just horrible. I had so much trouble in 2017 just because of education( grades) and i'm pretty sure 2018 is gonna be even worse. I took exams in last July even tho i wasnt prepared ( why? : because i was sick , i got sick in 2015 and in sep 16 i was able to walk).So the result came out in Nov 2017 , i failed in 1 subject out of 6. Since then all i hear from everyone around me is that , i am worthless , i faked my illness , i play videogames a little too much ..... bla bla shit like that. I made 4 attempts in 2017 idk how tf i survived. In this country grades are considered everything , even more powerful than knowledge . My Aunt always makes fun of me just because his son got better grades than me.
In 2018 i have to take exams like 4 times and i'm already getting stressed out. I cant do anything, im being punished to complete 2 years of school in 180 days just because i was sick and i got an F in 1 subject , if i failled again i will be banned forever to get any sort of education. How the fuck am i supposed to do that ? Everyday i get insulted at school just because i was sick and i failed in just 1 subject. I cant do this anymore!, i get criticized for everything i do. If am playing videogames , my parents always say that i got paralyzed because of playing videogames. if am driving , they always point out every mistake of mine. Theyre never staisfied with anything that i do. There's no way i can move out and live alone , this never happens in this country . If i did that i will probably get a job that only gets you $80 per month and i'm probably gonna die because at some point im gonna have little to no money. There's only a week left in my exams and i am unable to do anything. I have so manyreasons to commit suicide reason , my existence is just pointless I am so tired of this pain. I am pretty sure this is gonna be my last year. | self.SuicideWatch |
today i turned 17. and as you would know im breaking down in anger and tears.
my dad is dying
no sign of improvement for my depression
left college 3 months in
and im ready to kick the bucket and die. | self.depression |
Simple thing that help me Lately every time I feel like I’m about to have a break down I journal everything I’m thinking. It helps me think more clearly, and makes me feel like I’m telling someone. I just thought that if it helps me, maybe it could help someone else. | self.depression |
I finally admitted I have very little maternal instinct I've been wanting to know why I avoid other people's kids and especially babies-newborns creep me out. I have no maternal instinct. It's hard to admit because I absolutely love my 3 year old daughter-I'd go through hell for her but I don't have that mushy weird love for her.
I wasn't even supposed to be able to get pregnant. My husband and I went through 3 losses the last was devastating I was 18 weeks I delivered him at home in my bathroom. I was told due to my health I couldn't have a baby or even carry to term. Well 4 years ago I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic and over the moon. My husband had a great job-still does just got a promotion 5 months ago. We can do this! But then the morning sickness never stopped. Then I kept trying to go into preterm labor. I hated my body the transformation and the way I looked pregnant.
After I had her I felt nothing I was detached. I was hospitalized for postpartum psychosis and then after I was released I went into therapy-I'm still in therapy thanks to bipolar disorder. But the whole mushy love was never there. I detested getting up and feeding her a bottle. My mom in law moved in permanently she is widowed and knows I struggle. She helped me get through that first hellish year. I literally felt nothing for her I tried to bond I held her all the time I said I love you I did it right but I felt detached.
It's somewhat better now that she's 3 she's fully potty trained all she needs help with is getting dressed shoes and getting food. It helps me so much. I know she doesn't depend on me for everything. I find time to hold her and tell her I love her. I try my hardest to play with her. It's just difficult.
My own grandmother was the same way she had 5 kids (my moms mom) and didn't want to be a mom. She made it clear my mom was the youngest and she wasn't loved like she should. I wonder if it's genetic.
Don't get me wrong I'm thankful I got the chance to have my amazing daughter I just wish I loved her like other people love their kids. Her tantrums aggravate me I can't handle noise. But I love the way she hugs me when she knows I'm struggling and just her smile makes me happy. I just want to love her like other moms love their kids.
Only my family and my mom in law knows how I feel. I hate saying it because I feel like I'm a failure-I know it's so antiquated the notion of having 5-6 kids and loving being a mother wiping butts and all that. I don't want anymore. I'm on high dose birth control and we take precautions to make sure another one doesn't happen. He will not get a vasectomy but hopefully one day he will. He doesn't want anyone either he loves our girl we cannot afford another one.
At church I avoid the new mother with her family because I do not want to be around another newborn. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. I love my girl but no more! | self.offmychest |
I can't stop thinking about how I probably failed a course, and once grades are in and if I see I actually did, I'm going to do it. I've set the date and location Tired of being a failure. Maybe I wouldn't be so fucked up if my parents had noticed I've been struggling all my life because I have a learning disability, not because I'm lazy.
I was diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD two years ago and I'm now a senior in college. It was too little, too late; everything I do ends up in failure. I clawed my fucking way up to be able to take the biochem courses I really wanted to and I had to drop one near the end of the semester. The other I'm pretty sure I failed, even though I did really well on shit that wasn't exam-based.
I can't take exams, I can't be a good kid for my parents, I can't even follow my dreams because I'm a fucking useless, stupid piece of shit.
Maybe this will be my last semester. Shame, since I was so close to that degree. Not that I'd have any future with my shit grades. | self.SuicideWatch |
Nobody understands depression Nobody with empathize with anyone else because nobody has dealt with depression. Nobody understands what it feels like to feel pain because they haven’t felt it themselves, depression is a blessing and a curse because I am better at understanding what people are going though but I also feel like shit all the time | self.depression |
Brokeup with gf yesterday and unexpectedly saw her today... [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
It's Christmas and I want to die. I spent the entire Christmas Eve with a friend cleaning my room. My room was not helping me emotionally because it kept getting more and more trashed due to my recent ongoing depression. At first I felt so triumphant and even happy we had accomplished such a big feat. But thanks to family I'm feeling at an all time low again. Anxious and upset and all I can think about is ending myself. I used to love the holidays, but I hate them now. I'm so exhausted of everything. | self.depression |
"you're a great guy" "you'll find someone" Is there a bigger fucking lie out there? I can't count how many fucking times I've been told this. Im awful. Hideous. Fat. Noones ever going to want me and im not going to go through life alone | self.depression |
Is the a subreddit for depression jokes or memes? I think that would be more helpful right now | self.depression |
My experience left me with the huge feeling of being used and no one actually cares for me. Now I’m stuck feeling pure loneliness and worthlessness that I can’t escape [deleted] | self.depression |
Not.this.again. I don't understand anything that's going on in the world or in me anymore. Left is right down is up amoral is moral. The dollar is worshipped far beyond the bonds of society. People, acting like addicts, sneakily getting a leg up on one another constantly for a few dollars more. My country the u.s. Of oh no seems to be the biggest terrorist org. In the world. Everyone in America contributes to it. We kill our earth for convenience , pollute our very water and air we collectively breathe for power. We put climate action stickers on the gas fueled cars we drive. We put a McDonald's in front of the pyramids of Giza. Some people starve while others meet poverty through medical bills after eating themselves to death. We have an economy based on war so,we,can play solitaire and go to all you can eat buffets and take anti depressants. We are all on drugs. We overthrew Afghanistan who had completely eradicated poppy production, thus the opium trade in that country, only to make Afghanistan the largest heroin producer in the world 2 years later that coincided with a major drug epidemic in the u.s.. And me. I started getting sober 2 years ago. Stopped booze first life upgrade, then took the last year getting off 6 mg Xanax 90 adderall and 34 different mood stabilizers anti psychotics etc etc over the past 8 years. Got off everything. Bentos the hardest. Had to know my baseline. And we'll it's fucked. I'm suffering. I feel again. And it's guilt, shame, pain, anxiety, sadness, fear. I have rage and emotion and am out of my own control. Is this illness or is this just the inevitable dealing with everything I used drugs and pills to block out. Im holding on for dear life but I need this. We all do. | self.bipolar |
What will happen if I took 2 bottles of Unisom? [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Cutting or obesity ... that is the question. I have two coping mechanisms. One is overeating (I’m obese) and the other is cutting. Cutting is relatively new and I hate it. However I want to lose weight, especially now that I have found someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. Low self esteem and the like is telling me that they’d be happier if I were not so fat. But when I feel sad and overwhelmed, artery-clogging food gives me instant relief. I hate cutting but it also provides instant relief. So .... I guess I’ll be a thinner girl with more scars. Yay?
Or you know, suicide. That’s another option.
(Yes I’ve tried antidepressants and therapy and will start a new type of therapy in a month but it’s been seven years and nothing works so yes I know these are options. They’re just not good options). | self.SuicideWatch |
The End. I hate this life. This world. It sickens me.
But even as I write these words, I anticipate soon, the silent cries immortalised on my phone screen, the encouraging little voices from people whom may not even exist, "don't do it! Life is great! You have so much to live for."
I wish I cut down every psychiatrist and doctor right there in the hospital each time I was admitted, or told a magical bottle of capsules with the same chemicals you find in batteries would "fix me."
And if anyone dares to 'encourage', or reassure me that 'it gets better', I only fester and brim with more unbareable resentment, disgust and despair. I am tired of being lied to, and I have grown far too tired to lie to myself any further that there is any thing worth living for, because there is not.
Our time fleets. And you can wait, all of you fucking sheep, and enjoy in your minute blisses and distractions. And continue to live in this deceit, to breathe and partake in it each day, but to be a slave, an automaton? To live simply to live when there is no benefit to do so?
By Friday I shall rest eternally. And it will be the final and only moment of my twenty-five years of living on this green and blue sphere [of] purgatory and shit that I will be joyous for.
And I won't look back.
I can't wait to leave this all behind, to be free from it all.
For the black to fill my eyes,
And feel the cold, bony hand of the Reaper take my own into his, and guide me to nothingness. Into death.
I have lived.
| self.SuicideWatch |
Losing my BP buddy I've been friends with boot ass anteater anemic goat since April of this year. We became friends pretty easily (unusual for me) and were Depression Buddies. Then in May I was diagnosed BP2 and was lost and scared and talked with her because she's also BP2. We've propped each other up on bad days; she brought me dinner on the anniversary of my mom's death because I hadn't eaten and she didn't want me to be alone. I've had major suicidal days and reached out to her and she's reached back and helped me step back.
This summer she'll be moving back 3/4 across the country. I won't have my hypomanic painting buddy. I won't have my depressive couch cuddle and watch something stupid partner. I already hate change, and she's my only truly local girlfriend. I'm super sad and don't want to beg her to stay because that's selfish but I want to beg her to stay because I need her, she's such a big part of my support system. Help me, boot ass anteater anemic goat, you're my only hope. | self.bipolar |
feeling too hopeless in the state of the world and my life maybe im too sensitive for this world | self.SuicideWatch |
psychiatrist appointment, not sure if it even matters finally got a psychiatrist appointment. my dad is paying. so nice of him. feel bad for not being more grateful. i just keep thinking, i'm 27, a few days away from being 28. it's really all starting to feel exactly the same and seems to make no difference.
i am so luck. white. college educated. not horrendous looking. good communication skills.
i have been going to the gym. still cant hold a job. things aren't fun or not fun. things are just seeming so repetitive. not that i can predict what will happen, but honestly what difference does any of this make?
we are all going to die. we are all suffering. there is good and there is bad, but objectively it's all work. just constant work. my life is easy enough. my mommy pays for my existence.
i haven't had such serious suicidal thoughts until past two years because there was still some hope. now what hope is there? of course there will be good times. but there will inevitably be so many bad times.
i feel numb.
and i can't afford to pay for meds or keep seeing the psychiatrist. i can't afford to do anything. so much college debt. credit card debt. i dont even care. but there is no real answer to life.
yoga. gym. art. reading. movies. friends. family. parties. birthdays. christmas.sickness. sleepless. too much sleep. food. too much food.
the whole deal with meds and bipolar is tyring to find some balance between the swings, but eveyone i have ever met ever might as will be bipolar or cancerous or depressed or stressed or whatever whatever whatever. we are all exactly the same. we are all suffering. constantly. eternally.
feeling very strongly that this is hell. and i'm not religious.
not sure why im typing this. just bored i guess. | self.bipolar |
Is this what life is supposed to be like? [deleted] | self.depression |
I'm a soon to be dad that feels lost and that my life won't be my own My pregnant partner pretty much lives in hospital and has spent about 12 months of our 18 month relationship in hospital. She's due to come out today having been in for 2 months.
I tried to stay positive for her letting her know everything is going to be alright, but it's not. As time's gone on it's chipped away at me to the point I now feel helpless, depressed and anxious as to when she'll next be taken in, what will happen in the future and how the life I live will upset someone.
She wants me to move in her family home with her and her parents (who I can't bare to live with as they're so controlling). I could stay at home (with my mum which is what I want to do) but then my partner will probably be mad. I wan't to stay at home as my mum too suffers with depression and is probably the one person on this planet that gets me. I know moving into my partners house will depress me further.
I worry what will happen if when the baby is here she gets taken into hospital and that I'm stuck trying to hold a job down and be a dad.
I feel that both financially and mentally my life is going to fall apart within the next few months. | self.depression |
Giving God an ultimatum I'm a 17 year old guy, single, homeschooled, "Christian", and I'm screaming inside. I fucking hate myself and I don't understand why God hasn't killed me yet.
I read all these blogs and posts where the advice is to go see a professional or talk to someone close to you, but I'm only 17, still at home, and no way to privately contact a professional for help. I can't talk to anyone in my family or the few friends I have because I'm terrified of being treated differently.
Last night I carefully planned out how I could attempt to kill myself and if I succeeded then I would know that God had given up on me and if I didn't then at least everyone would finally know what I'm dealing with.
I know it's incredibly foolish to challenge God, but at this point I honestly don't care anymore. | self.SuicideWatch |
Tomorrow will be three months since I’ve touched alcohol, and I’m not sure what I’m doing. I haven’t had any booze in three months, and I tend to not function well when I’m sober. Primarily due to the fact that sobriety forces me to actually deal with my problems, which leads to me not being able to focus on shit I need to focus on, like my job. I’m considering smoking again, because that usually helped. | self.depression |
Crazy brain making things up? Depression? ???? Does anyone else feel like their brains literally make up situations that serve to only trigger anxiety and/or depression? It is to the point now where I'm not sure which of my thoughts are organic or made up by my "crazy brain"- so it makes it hard for me to be able to tell which of my emotions are genuine or not. help pls. | self.depression |
The Last Jedi is the only reason why I'm alive right now. It sounds stupid I know. I honestly have nothing to live for, no friends, no girlfriend and no family member that don't even care to look. I'm in a lot of student debt, and the lack of motivation and effort is making me fail most of my classes. I'm a massive nerd for Star Wars. I'm not ashamed to say it. The curiosity for the film that is coming out is the reason why I haven't taken my life. Yes, I've tried to get help in the past. Nothing has seemed to help. I'm afraid that I might just take my life after the showing. I need help, I know that. It honestly feels good that I'm letting this out while I type this. But I have no one to go to. What should I do? | self.SuicideWatch |
He doesn't love me. So today I was at my friend's house who I have had a crush on for a while now. I think he likes me. He let me rub his thigh, peck him on the cheek, hug him, and lean my head on him so that's pretty good for me as I'm totally unlovable. He seemed a bit uncomfortable at times though so I might not do it again. he moved away at times. He never says he loves me and I say things like that all the time. I give him presents almost every time I see hum. | self.depression |
I Don't Feel like Doing Anything that brings me joy I don't feel like doing anything that brings me great joy.
I don't feel like exercising.
I don't feel like drawing.
I don't feel like singing.
I don't feel like dancing.
I definitely don't want to go to work and be with my students (who usually make me feel better)
I don't feel like talking to my family.
I just want to stay right here on this couch, as I have for the past two days without showering. I've been binging Rick and Morty and not even following the plot, just having movements watch me as I lay on the couch and wonder why I shouldn't just go away forever. | self.bipolar |
When you get unreasonable irritable and feel hostile how do you correct yourself? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
A journal entry during a moment of anxiety I wake, and I’m already gone. I can’t even seem to stick around until breakfast. The part of me that might have tasted and savored and appreciated the apple I would soon be ingesting has left the rest of me to writhe and shake, unable to truly take part in any event as pure as the nourishing of my body. Too often am I deaf to the crunch, and blind to the vibrant sheen of this piece of elegant machinery.
I sit, and the bag of my stomach struggles to fill with enough air to calm me. My ribs are fingers and they clamp around my chest cavity, constricting. They seem to tighten their vice grip after every labored exhalation. My spinal column sags, and the structure it is supposed to provide is replaced with tension and friction. There is numbness everywhere I am in contact with the ground, the chair, my clothes. I can’t seem to grasp any of it.
The space around me chokes me, and the silence threatens me. There are sounds but they don’t reach through the boiling hide of my skin. Sounds of living, of unrot. It seems natural that an organism should make noise, doesn’t it? An innocent exclamation of human joy can’t know that it has passed by decaying ears.
I fight to remember peace, and long to swirl a wine of tranquility in the cup of my mind. To consume a moment of moral quiet, to sip a clear water unspoiled by the dirt of guilt or the dust of shame. | self.depression |
Therapist called me "whiney"? Today during therapy, my therapist was sort of complimenting me on the progress I have made over the last six months. As a little bit of background, I had a mental breakdown of sorts where I had a series of anxiety attacks in a row that landed me in the hospital for about a month back in May.
Anyways, as part of my progress, my therapist was describing my demeanor during therapy sessions. He said that I was "making more eye contact and less whiney."
Should I be offended that he called me "whiney" in the past? Or should I be more focused on his larger point, which is that I've made progress? Should I be happy that he is being honest with me? Or is his use of the word derogatory? | self.depression |
I don't want to get better. I've literally struggled with depression for the majority of my 20 years, at this point I feel like that's just me. I'm really not sure who I am or what I would do if I were to ever "get better." It's so ingrained in my personality and effects every aspect of how I live my life. As nice as it would be to not feel awful every second of the day, I don't know who I would even be anymore. I feel like I would be like a kid who's spent their whole life locked in a basement, only to be rescued and discover they don't know how to blend in with the rest of society. I can never get the past 20 years back, I can never have the normal growth and experiences that everyone else has had.
It's a very strange feeling. | self.depression |
Being with / around certain people… ...really throws a wrench in the works for me. Usually it’s angry people who i suspect may feel debilitating anxiety themselves but can’t handle it well so they externalize it aggressively.
I don’t want to hate people, and i don’t think i do. But this seems to be literally almost everyone around me. Is this a common thing? How do i even have a safe boundary around myself when people are constantly breaching it? | self.Anxiety |
Drinking while on Wellbutrin XL? Ok so I've had quite a rough patch dealing with anxiety so I began to see a therapist and she recommended I get on some medication to deal with that as well as some slight depression following a break up but I've never been depressed or had a history of depression before now. So I've been on 150mg of Wellbutrin XL for abt 7 days now and I really don't feel any different. I don't drink a whole lot. Usually abt 1-2 nights out of the month. However during these nights I usually get very drunk. I've read so many different things about drinking while taking this and I'm going to drink again this weekend for the first time on the medicine. I usually just drink liqour until I'm drunk so my plan is to take abt 1 shot every 25 minutes and see how I feel. I guess what I want to know is if it's ok for me to drink this amount if it's just 1 night every two weeks or so. | self.bipolar |
My mind just went the 'right' direction At the beginning of this year everytime I thought of death, I would start making a count of every person who would care when I'm gone, and I'd worry that no one would be affected in the slightest. Today, i thought about dying and the first thing that pops up in my mind is "Wtf I don't wanna die"(or something like that), and I didn't think about that at all until I remembered just now.
Hopefully I won't be visiting this sub anytime soon | self.depression |
I'm going to fail I'm in university, I'm not going to be able to maintain my student status as I'm already on academic probation due to two bad grades in the second semester of my freshman year. I've always been depressed but was only recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and about four other diagnoses to fill out the basket case. I'm so tired of getting into arguments with myself over what I'm doing, it's to the point that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I will lose my funding for psychological treatment, my apartment, and my independence. Guess its my fault. Like I said though, I don't know anymore.
| self.depression |
My only close friend and confidant confessed to me yesterday that she had been hiding something (big) from me for 4 months. My life is falling apart. And I feel I have no one to talk to or confide in. The secret my friend was keeping made me realize that she has lied to me several times in the last several months. She did it in her own mind to protect me. I feel like an idiot. Blind and gullible.
I’m a loyal friend in the very fabric of my being. But making friends, truly reliable and real friends, is almost impossible for me. I get that we’re all human and make mistakes, I’m able to forgive. But it doesn’t take away the pain of betrayal. This one is a pretty deep cut.
It seems like nobody is out there who needs the kind of friendship I need. Or... nobody that wants it with me. When I try to open myself up to making new friends, I end up regretting it.
My husband should be my closest confidant. But after 12 years together, we are often at odds. And in the simplest of disagreements, he won’t compromise or budge. He doesn’t realize it, but he bullies me and tries to make me feel guilty for spending time with a said friend. We have a son (3 y/o) together. And most of the time it’s just him and me, because of my husband’s work schedule.
Family lives states away. And I’m isolated. Holding onto my one friend was like a lifeline that kept me going. I have been struggling with depression for a while now. But now I find myself grasping. Grasping even more for a reason to get out of bed or off the couch and clean my life up. If it was only that easy. My young son is the light in my life. But it doesn’t fill that need for adult friendship and companionship.
Do others find it difficult making friends they can have a reciprocal relationship with? How do I bounce back from this pain while trying to hide it from others? | self.depression |
For the first time I'm getting help for my drug addictions [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Going go trow my life away today. First off, i want to thank some people in this sub for helping me out last year. But i can't really endure it anymore.
I made a horrible decision and my mom unfortunaly had to pay for it. I feel very ashamed. I don't really want to talk more about that. But that's the main reason.
Since i have no guns or something similar like that, my only choice will be to jump my self in front of a high speed bus, which i spent time studying the best way and time to do that.
If i'm still here i will let you guys know, otherwise, see you guys in the other side (if there's any) peace.
Thanks for everything mom. | self.SuicideWatch |
Looking to switch antidepressants- any tips on ones you feel are weight neutral/low sexual side effects? Tl;dr: Took Zoloft, made me fat and my weewee didn't work. Took Wellbutrin and it made my anxiety skyrocket. Seeking antidepressant that is weight neutral with low sexual side effects.
I do not visit this sub probably as often as i need to so apologies if the majority here are against the usage of antidepressants, i do not know the consensus.
I took Zoloft before but had to stop. While it was effective against my anxiety it kind of zombie'd me out to the world and i also gained a lot of weight/had trouble getting and maintaining an erection. I was about 25 y/o at the time for context.
Currently I'm on Wellbutrin and it's making my anxiety go through the roof. It is geared more toward depression than anxiety so i probably shouldn't have been on it to begin with- I'm definitely more anxious than i am depressed. I'm happy it's aiding with weight loss (trying to lose the Zoloft weight still) and also there are no negative sexual side effects, but the anxiety i feel is enough to want to switch.
Im just looking for opinions on what i should look into and research. Ultimately i will discuss everything with my doctor and we will go from there, but i just want to go into the appointment with some antidepressant in mind to bring up to him. Thank you. | self.Anxiety |
Partner has bipolar Type I, trying to support him. Tips? My partner was diagnosed with bipolar type I over the summer and things kind of plummeted in September with a near miss of a suicide attempt. He didn't go through with it but is now in his home state with his mom and going to outpatient care. His team is awesome and it's for the best, but I'm about five hundred miles away and he has some CPTSD involving his hometown and so doesn't want my visiting. We've been trying to adjust but I know they are still trying to find the right medicine and diet and routine for him, which is incredibly trying for him.
I guess I'm asking how to best support him and be there for him? I'm not new to supporting someone with mental health concerns, but bipolar is new for me and I've been trying to consume as much literature and stuff as I can that he recommends to me. It's just hard to know what to do that would be helpful or supportive sometimes.
Any help/advice? | self.bipolar |
Good things are happening, yet I've been on the verge of tears for days. I've quit an awful job, got my old brilliant job back and just found out I passed an exam vital to progressing in my career. Yet, all I want to do is break down and cry. Maybe it's the weather and dark days. I don't know anymore | self.depression |
Im in such in an unhealthy mindset right now [deleted] | self.depression |
It's that time of year: school stress I don't know if other people experience this, but what I do know is that it's that time of the year. Generally, for me at least, the end month of school I struggle to maintain any school work. Which, of course, is terrible with upcoming exams. The stress triggers depressive moods which just snowballs into me feeling like complete and utter trash in school.
I love going to school. I love learning. Since I transferred universities, I'm struggling more in this university than I was before. I dislike the university, the supports the university has, I just feel like this minuscule person in the university compared to my last university.
The worst part is, I know this is my irrational side talking and that I'm being overly sensitive on top of irritable. But I feel like I'm sinking. I'm questioning my life choices and where I am. Who I am and what I'm doing here. I know that once I get over this hump I'll be happy again. I'll be happy with all of my choices but I just need to get over it. It's silly to think that at the beginning of the year I was so proud that I made it into this university and here I am heavily disliking it.
Does anyone else struggle with this stress? I know that BD amplifies my emotions relating to this stress, I also know that this time of the year with the school is my most depressed section. Jesus, I just want to feel excited and happy again, but here I am upset and fighting dark ruminating thoughts. | self.bipolar |
I don't want to be here. I'm a burden to everyone I've come in contact with. I left my job because I couldn't deal with everyone's outright distaste for me. I can sense it in my family, I can sense it in my "friends". There's no relationship with me, I'm just dealt with to keep up appearances. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to fade away. | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm sure this topic has been brought before does anyone ever with to have a terminal illness? There are often times when I wish I had a terminal illness so I that I can end this life I hate without leaving my family with the feeling of guilt and the horrible question of if there was anything they could have been done. I also feel tremendous guilty for those who are suffering and still have the will to live.
I just want to get that off my chest. I and wonder how many of you feel the same after learning someone full of life gets taken away from them the thing I wish I never had. | self.SuicideWatch |
I just feel tired of everything I always feel so tired of doing any work or any other form of interaction. I'm tired of school, I'm tired of feeling inadequate compared to my friends who are moving on to bigger and better things, I'm tired of feeling like a disappointment to my family, and I'm tired of the shitty life I feel like I have. Yet the thing I'm most tired of is being unable to find any consistent motivation in my life, never truly feeling motivated to do or finish anything, just letting any and everything just pass me by.
It makes me hate myself even more thinking about all the things I could do if I could just find some motivation or will to be better. | self.depression |
I'm giving this until 4AM eastern time. I need one reason to keep going. At 4:01AM I'm swallowing 45 Xanax and downing it with a handle of liquor. I believe my reasoning is valid. Please, please, tell me I'm wrong. I'm 21 years old. I've been struggling with drug addiction and alcoholism since I was 14, even in years I was sober I was still just as deeply depressed. I'm diagnosed as bipolar 2, generalized anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.
I've already accomplished some real shit. None of it made a difference. I directed videos for New York Fashion Week at 19. Worked on a Netflix original for a long while at 20. Went back to school, have 4.0s. I have a nice girlfriend. On paper, I'm decent. In my head, I'm consistently swinging between kind of okay and terribly, miserably, lonely.
Things don't make me happy. Accomplishments don't make me happy. People don't make me less lonely, so there's no way to escape that. I'm trapped in a mind that's destroying me. It has been since I was very young. I started contemplating when I was seven years old and made an attempt when I was eight.
The only reason I haven't offed myself - I very easily could, there's a bottle of 45 xanax and a handle of jack sitting on my counter - is due to my siblings. I don't want to ruin their lives (or a good portion of it), but that might not be enough anymore.
Why in the fuck should I keep going? What am I living for? If I attain my dream, if I win an Oscar in the next ten years or whatever, I know I'll feel the same way. My dream used to be to be a sponsored skateboarder. I did that, I still am doing it, it didn't and doesn't make me happy. Becoming a paid director at 19 didn't make me happy. Working for Netflix at 20 didn't make me happy. A healthy relationship isn't changing anything. Getting good grades doesn't change anything. I exercise, I eat well.
Why in the fuck should I not just end it? What can possibly change?
I feel like I'm existing to make my parents feel like they didn't fail and to not traumatize my brother and sister. That's it. But that won't always be enough. Help me, please. I need a reason to live.
My head space hasn't changed since I was seven. That's fourteen years.
I've done everything I could. Massive amounts of therapy. Psychoactive drugs. Accomplished literally every single goal I've ever fucking set for myself, and they weren't small. I grew up in an abusive and financially desperate household which lead to addiction/alcoholism, but other than that, my life has been perfect on paper. So what's the point? Why keep going? What am I working towards?
| self.SuicideWatch |
Well this sucks I need some sort of support or some shit, I’ve been fucked by depression for years and now I found a lump on my testicle. All my friends blew it off. I’m scared and mad, I think I’m just gunna get drunk off my ass. Even thou it could be nothing it still scary | self.depression |
escapism shitty doctors and burnt hair CHEERS i still live at home and my family is suspecting i’m not entirely good. i went to the doctor’s office to find out why i’m scared of people, unmotivated and sleeping like 12 hours a day, and guess what he said?
”it’s obviously not depression, haha!!! :-)”
this has killed all my motivation for getting help, because how am i supposed to get better if everyone thinks i’m just a moody, tired teen? maybe i am.
the only thing that even remotely excites me is music. i went to another country just to go to a concert the other day, and i had fun and all that. but as soon as it’s over my life feels just as pointless again. now my favourite festival is cancelled and my second favourite is 18+ and i’m only 17. i’ve got nothing to look forward to, and i’m honestly not sure as to how the fuck i’m supposed to get through the year. (god i sound like a spoiled bitch please just ignore me if thats the case i cannot take another person calling me that)
so, naturally, i got drunk and thought i’d have a fun night with my friends. instead i ended up crying in the bathtub for two hours and tried to set my own hair on fire out of sadness and drunkenness. i ruined everyones night and now i’m scared they all hate me and fjsjshs why am i like this
i’m honestly not even sure what the point of this was?? moral of the story: stay away from lighters if you’re so sad that your destructive tendencies become 1000% more intense | self.depression |
Maybe it's just me, but can anyone remember a certain smell that triggers your depression? Sometimes I'll smell something and I just get sort of nostalgic or maybe it was from when I was happier, but I just get really, really sad. :( | self.depression |
I'm starting to see how far gone I am Here I am typing in my D-day document preparing for my death while family members next to me are talking about their futures.
It's a painful reminder of how I don't have one.
I can't visualize a future where I'm still living and managing depression. I can't fathom the idea of me being passionate about Things again, completing a degree, getting a job, having a successful career, being able to support myself, etc.
I've accepted that I'm not going to get any better and am going to die by my own hands sometime in the future.
I'm a bit sad that I'm giving up, but at the same time, I feel relieved to know that I won't be suffering for the rest of my life.
Sorry to my family for leaving, but we don't exactly have a good relationship with each other, so I think they'll be okay eventually.
Have any of you guys ever felt this way? (And if you do, I'm sorry *virtual sloth hugs*)
-a fellow sad blob | self.depression |
Long time sufferer of depression. In the midst of a break up, Please help. [removed] | self.depression |
Who knew Maybe it's because I'm in college, maybe it's because I'm growing slighty cray. I've known this girl since high school and my fondest memory was me literally copying hw from her for the span of like two years. She was always so kind and was always a pleasant sight to see her; not because of her giving me hw, but because she never did anything to harm anyone. I thought about dating her then but she's like a 7 at most. I've always had a preference of more attractive women bc I was a dude in hs xdd. It's college now and we both go to the same college and live on the same floor which is cray when I think about it. I got drunk a couple weeks ago and I vented about my daily struggles in life. She just listened till 4 in the morning. I think that was when I started to think of her differently or realized something. She was more than just a thoughtful person; she's just a better human being than many of the women I found beautiful in the past. I still don't know much about her, but I have an urge to talk to her more, to learn about her interests, to learn about her story. It's fucking crazy that it took me a night where I was barely conscious to see what an amazing person she truly is from, "oh, it's her.... She's pretty chill." I think to most guys, they'll see her as bland or vanilla, but I find so much comfort in that. I feel like I wasted 2 years chasing stupid kid shit and comitted useless shenanigans when I could've talked to her more. I KNOW she's a better person than anyone I've ever met, and now all I want is a chance. I feel like such a brat and I feel so childish for knowing I feel this way... She probably doesn't know that I feel this way about her. Hell, I didn't even realize it till a day ago. | self.offmychest |
Things that get you out of bed I've been having trouble finding a reason to get out of bed lately. What are some tactics that work for you? | self.depression |
I feel like i've given up a long time ago. I’m kind of just silently watching my life break apart. I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this. I'm sorry for the wall of text.
Today I got a letter from my high school. I'm about to get kicked out of the third school. I'm 1 year from graduation. I've tried three times and every time I convinced myself that I will pull through with a fresh start. School itself, was never really a big deal, apart from maths. It’s been the exact same rundown of events on all 3 high schools. New surroundings. New friends. The Term starts off, I feel great for about 2 months, everything is perfectly in order. Then, I’m beginning to stay home for a day - then a few days and suddenly I realise that I’ve not been going to school for 2 weeks. The stuff I’ve missed out on, starts stacking up and becomes this outrageously big pile of work. This is when Teachers start talking to me. From this point on it’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I feel extremely optimistic and enthusiastic, like I can easily manage to catch up and get everything done in a breeze. These “up-phases” usually wear off very fast, like a crash back into reality. Afterwards I tend to ignore my problems for a while, convincing myself that there are other things to do, like cleaning my apartment or spending the night playing videogames. Then the “down-phase” kicks in. 0 motivation, 0 energy. Days go by and I’m just lying in bed without eating or doing anything but sleeping. This phase varies in lengths, typically between 2 to 10 days or even longer. The down phase is followed by an enthusiastic up phase. The whole cycle continues, while my school attendance shrinks. I miss out on important assignments. Tests. Then I’m given a big warning by letter: “Last chance, get your shit together or we have to throw you out”. No problem. I’m telling everyone that it’s no problem. Everything is fine. Worst of all, I’m telling and convincing myself that everything is fine. The cycle continues. Up-phase .. crash .. down-phase and so on.
I’m 20 years old. Reserved, quiet and trying to always be friendly. I moved out when I was 17, because of my single mother’s schizophrenia, which had gotten worse over the years and turned into unbearable conflicts, for a 17-year-old. I was very depressed and had suicidal thoughts in the time leading up to this. The rest of my family lives over 800km away from my place and we barely have contact. My mom disallowed contact with them, so the first time I met them was after I moved out. They’re very nice people, but I don’t really feel like a part of the family yet. I avoid contact with them. I have four cousins and the youngest, who is 2 years younger than me, is about to graduate this year. The other three cousins are attending university already. I never told them that I changed school a second time, because I was ashamed. I just told them that “everything is fine”.
Now on to the last thing. I’m kind of addicted to videogames. Not a specific one, just games in general. I’ve spend thousands upon thousands of hours in League of Legends, Counter Strike, MMORPGs and various other games. I got my first computer when I was 12 and I immediately started fleeing into the world of games, to hide from bullying in prime school and later the problems with my mother. It started off as being a winter-season thing but evolved into excessive gaming in all my spare time. I gave up gaming for a year after moving out to another city, where I worked for a year before I started in the second school. After school finally started again, I slowly fell back into old gaming habits. I was used to hiding from sadness and problems this way. And I still am. I’m not playing that excessive any more, but still around 30 hours a week. This contributes its share to the whole slump I’m in. I’ve tried quitting gaming, but I just found myself swapping to other distractions, like binge-watching YouTube.
At this point I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of trying and failing. I don’t see myself managing to get my shit together. I’m kind of just silently watching my life break apart finally. The sadness has gotten to the point where I don’t feel like crying a lot anymore. It is more like acceptance. Like an Antelope caught by a Lion. Like someone who’s falling off a cliff. There is no point in struggling anymore. Like I’m already dead inside. Still Telling everyone that I’m fine, everything is fine. I don’t want to bother people. I’m ashamed of myself. I want to die. ̶h̶̶e̶̶l̶̶p̶̶.̶
| self.SuicideWatch |
i feel like im going crazy about a month ago my grandma moved in with my family because her health is really declining, at this point she can't really walk and she's in constant pain from having cancer. I like most of my family but I can't stand her, she takes every opportunity to either criticize me or try to convert me.
It's not her character that gets me, she's always been disagreeable and racist and religious, but it's the fact that she's scared to die and is using weird coping mechanisms to deal with it. She has to have at LEAST 2 caregivers with her at all times, and while they're there, she also has religious TV on really loud, if I turn it down slightly she turns it right back up. Plus the oxygen machines are always on and there's this constant buzzing all around the house. Mix it all together and it's the loud constant stream of noise. I called out of work tomorrow in tears because I haven't slept more than four or five hours since she moved in.
I'm an introvert and need space and I don't have any physically or mentally right now. I'm trying not to hate her, but she's not finding any compromises and I feel like life would be easier if we just stuck her in a home.
I'm moving out in a month to a different state, which I'm so thankful for but I don't know what to do for the next four weeks. | self.offmychest |
i cut my arm but its not bleeding out but it looks deep what should i do [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I don't want to live, but I don't want to kill myself. Rolling anxiety attacks for months.
Can't sleep through the night anymore.
Taking my own life feels too selfish.
But thoughts of getting shot while walking streets
Cars losing control and running into me on the sidewalk
Losing my balance and falling off the subway platform
Scaffolding plummeting towards me
Sidewalk cellar doors giving way
All consume me, invade the crevices of my flesh, bones.
The pleasures that used to ease them
The most delicious bites of good food
Puppies going for their first walk
Strolling through parks and by the water at sunset
Performing, singing, writing, fucking
Don't shine as brightly in my soul anymore.
I used to be so good at keeping everything at bay.
I used to be so good at telling myself I'm not alone.
I used to be so good at diverting these thoughts
Focusing on the silver linings of the black holes
Hoping and keeping faith that light will stay
Believing the best in each human I meet.
But thoughts like, why isn't kindness second nature for all
Why can't the good people I know catch a break
Why can't the good humans I love core their passions
Why is it so hard for all to take that extra second
Why.
Why.
Why.
Where did the clouds go.
What is this absence of sun.
When did the warmth leave.
How did this happen.
Who is there.
How can I die
When there is so much that would be affected
What can I do
Where can I turn without yearning to sleep forever
Why.
Why.
Why.
Now the black holes seem more enticing than the lining
Because those lines don't glimmer as brightly anymore.
I'm tired. I'm always tired. This can't be age.
I feel like I'm victimizing myself.
This isn't that important.
The world is important. We as a whole are important.
So why would it matter if my speck just disappeared.
I'm being selfish. | self.SuicideWatch |
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