text stringlengths 39 36.7k | label stringclasses 5 values |
|---|---|
Book Recs? Whats the best book you've read about Bipolar disorder? Could be fiction, non-fiction, or even just have a character with bipolar disorder. Why did you read the book and what did you get out of it?
For me, my favorite has to be An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison. I was in college and had just recovered from my first psychotic experience but was not yet diagnosed. I was curious about mental health and looking for answers. Honestly I'm not sure how I even got a hold of the book. Anyways, I devoured it. It felt so similar to my life. After I finished it, I told my parents that I thought i was bipolar and they laughed and reassured me that I wasn't. (When I was finally diagnosed it felt good to say "I told you so!"). It really helped with the whole "I'm not alone" thing and inspired me a lot. Jamison has a PhD and has written many books about mental illness/suicide. She's awesome.
What's your favorite? | self.bipolar |
Nothing goes right for me. I have no resources to cope. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
the loneliness is killing me i want nothing to do with the world anymore. i feel like no one cares and no one wants anything to do with me unless im doing something for them. i feel like i will be alone forever. i feel like the constant anger inside of me is going to get me to end up killing myself, and honestly that day is coming up quickly. i dont want to be around here anymore no one wants me here. i just want to be happy, but i never will be. | self.SuicideWatch |
All my friends are in relationships Sometimes I can't tell if I'm depressed or just really lonely or just depressed again. I have friends and they are great and don't get me wrong I'm not upset at them. But they are all in relationships which means I'm never the first person they want to be with. I know it would be unfair to expect to be the center of their lives and I'm not but I get kind of lonely at the end of every day when all my friends are with someone they love and at the end every day I go to a empty home and an empty bed. | self.depression |
[Discussion] Not being interested in anything Hey guys! I’m new here, and I have been hesitant to speak on this. My depression started around 3 years ago during my sophomore year in high school, and I’ve tried to suppress it as much as possible, but unfortunately it still plagues me in small instances while being in my second semester of college. One of them that I can’t seem to shake, is not being interested in literally anything. I used to love video games, now I can’t play one for 5 minutes without getting bored or annoyed. I used to love skateboarding, and now I can’t stand to go out and do it. Can anyone give me tips or solutions? | self.depression |
Asking 'how are you?' could make a huge difference to someone [removed] | self.depression |
Ending it all tonight, good riddance life I won’t miss you I’m going to eat dinner, tell my parents I’m going out for a bit, and then go to the park and blow my brains out. Fuck life and everyone in it I’m done. | self.SuicideWatch |
I think I'm depressed and I'm scared, finally mustered the courage to see someone about it [deleted] | self.depression |
I'm catching feelings (again) for a girl I haven't talked to in a few years [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Moving to Canada and I am Terrified, I need someone to Comfort Me I'm moving to Canada on January 27th from Australia with my fiancé, I am so scared I keep having panic attacks, i feel sick thinking about it, it was my dream and I have everything sorted out so I can't pull out of going but I really don't want to go anymore, despite it being my dream to move there my whole life. I think deep down I want to go but my anxiety is making me not want to.
I am scared I will go backwards as I suffer from an eating disorder that I spent the last year recovering from and severe Panic Disorder and OCD. I am scared that I will go backwards from the stress of moving or the lead up to going, I have never been on a plane and I am terrified, I am terrified of customs, I am terrified of eating food that I haven't personally examined so I probably won't eat the whole flight. I am so fucking terrified. Plus it doesn't help that my mother was meant to sell my car that was in her name (bought it when I was young) so I could have the money to go and she wont do it now so money issues are also stressing me out a lot
I do think if I can push through my fear and go that it will be a huge accomplishment over my mental health issues, considering at this point in time I haven't left my house for longer than half an hour since I got out of hospital over a year ago. But I am just so petrified of going, someone please comfort me. | self.Anxiety |
6 months in and I’m struggling Not sure what to write but here goes. 6 months ago I had an incident where I thought I was going to pass out. I didn’t “know” what adrenaline felt like (really) so didn’t link it with the sensation of wanting to pass out. Months go by and I feel ok for most of it, with the exception of the odd episode. Suddenly I have a huge panic attack, I’m on a bus and I feel like there’s no escape. Cut to now and I’ve been feeling disassociated from reality for about 3 weeks straight. I’ve done cognitive behavioural therapy and hypnotherapy. I haven’t tried meds yet but I’m seriously considering it. I guess my question is, what do you guys thing is the next best thing to try? I’ve been meditating but it doesn’t stop the feeling of disassociation. I’m terrified of so many social situations, primarily public transport, to the point where my life has become a fraction of what it used to be. I just need to read other peoples stories, experiences and recommendations because I’m scared. I’m scared of the future and how long this debilitating disease is going to affect me and the way I live. If anyone is out there, and wants to say anything, then for God’s sake I’m all ears. Sorry for the rant. | self.Anxiety |
I’m either overwhelmed or left out I’ve been going through a really tough couple of months and I decided to take time for myself and be distant from friends because the way I see it, I can either devote what little energy I have to school and studying or to social interactions, and I wore myself out trying to function like I usually do.
So far, keeping to myself has been great. My anxiety’s calmed down so much and I’ve been able to care for myself more. The problem is that being distant and seeing friends bond without me makes me feel left out, which only makes me anxious again. I’ve told my best friend I need to be alone for a while and she’s been understanding, but seeing the rest of the group make plans without me makes me feel like I’m being purposefully excluded.
I understand these worries are completely unfounded and while I’ve shared some of these worries with my friend before, I know not everybody has my crazy person brain and she doesn’t mean to make me feel bad. Still, I can’t help but feel hurt in a way. It’s a catch 22; being with them makes me anxious, not being with them makes me anxious.
Does anyone ever experience the same thing or have any tips on dealing with it? | self.Anxiety |
Just a update to my last post I posted a while back on how I lost my job, and how I was probably losing my bf and my apartment.
Well I had a interview today at a gas station, nothing great but would have paid the bills. All suddenly last night my bf told me he signed a new lease without me and threatened to call the cops on me if I didn’t move out. I later found out he was lying but the damage is done.
I feel betrayed and worthless, he friends ganged up on me and said I was lazy and worthless and they don’t know what he saw in me.
I wish I could drive into a 18 wheeler without the risk of hurting someone else because I don’t own a gun.
Edit: I guess I should also stop saying bf instead of ex. | self.depression |
Wanting to die because I want others to be happy. [deleted] | self.depression |
How do you avoid questions about your year when you've done nothing because of a deep depression? I'm very anxious to go to my boyfriend's family party because I know they will ask. I don't want to break down and cry because I'm ashamed that I havnt amounted to anything. | self.depression |
Perfect life on paper; still thinking of ending it There's not a lot more I could ask for, and I don't mean this as a brag. I love my job of designing model airplanes in a small company where I get to work with my best friend. Married to my husband for two years now, we're adopting another cat and are ready to move out to start thinking about children. No major outstanding debts, some of lifes luxuries at home. stopped drinking, no hard drugs anymore, now on lamictal 150mg and seroquel for sleeping or if i get too up. a lot of people made a point of expressing that they care and love about me... which makes it all the worse.
I have legitimately nothing tangible to complain about; only small everyday things that aren't that bad, and no matter how much I change the trajectory of my life for the better, these clouds are still following me. I could turn the best news into a tragedy and it feels like I'm just watching myself, seeing all of this joyless behaviour.
Sorry for venting. I'm just reaching my wits end as far as exhaustion goes. I'm not sure what I'm missing or what I have to do to stop feeling like things are over.
sending out the big love to all of you. | self.bipolar |
I’ve come off my medication and shit’s hitting me hard. It’s probably a mistake. I decided to quit my anti depressants and anti psychotics ‘cold turkey’ without consulting my psych about it. I hated the way they made me feel, I literally felt like a braindead zombie and couldn’t focus or remember anything. I didn’t really notice that all the negative thinking died down until now. It’s all come back like a fucking freight train. I’ve been lying in bed for 3 hours trying to sleep but I’m being bombarded by suicidal thoughts and it’s driving me nuts.
I know it’s a huge mistake stopping the meds like that. I’m not booked in the see the psych until the 4th of Jan. I’ve been off my meds for a week or so now, should I just get back on them or what? I don’t want to feel like a braindead piece of shit though. In all honesty, I just want to go any drown myself in the pool... I can’t deal with all these thoughts and memories and I can’t be fucked going through all of this. | self.depression |
Having an overwhelming feeling of loneliness I’ve opened up about some of my issues and I’ve done my best to describe what’s going through my head to some of my closest friends. I’ve run into some issues with a roommate who has pushed me to the point of moving out, and another friend who has completely cut me off out of nowhere. My close friends try their best to be there for me but no matter what’s going on I feel just this strong sense of loneliness. No matter how many breakdowns I have that they help me through I always feel like there’s nothing more to our friendship aside from them acting as a support system for the few minutes I feel like I need somebody. They’ve told me otherwise but it’s so hard to believe them. The best way to describe it is as if I almost have these two voices inside my head, one drowning out the other by reminding me that people don’t want me, that I’m a burden, and that I’m better off alone while the other one is just screaming at me to stop thinking that way. | self.depression |
Trapped in my own mind I need to vent a little...
I was diagnosed with depression a couple months ago and social anxiety several years ago. These days, I feel like I'm trapped in my own mind, unable to escape a prison where I'm forced to recount minuscule moments from my day and find ways to feel shitty about them. I want so badly to escape my own mind, and lately I've been thinking the only way I'll be able to do so, is to die. But I don't really want to die, I just want to not feel like life is torture.
What's worse, is that I can't get over the anxiety of talking to someone about all this, and so I just keep going on in silence, feeling worse and worse, steadily falling down this unending pit.
I keep asking myself how things got so bad, and what it's going to take to get to a better place. The answer has been the same every time I've asked myself these things: I don't know. Not knowing scares me. Uncertainty is terrifying.
And so, I trudge on, suffering in silence, smiling through gritted teeth. | self.depression |
Mistakes, mistakes So I posted last week about going on a trip across the country, when my pdoc told me I should probably go voluntarily to inpatient to stabilize my new meds (diagnosed BP2 about a month ago now; on Depakote and Latuda). Of course I didn’t listen, went on the trip, was mixed the whole time, and had a crappy experience overall, including not being able to get home for an extra day because United cancelled mine and everyone else’s flight -____-
I came back last night and had to work this morning, and I started imagining various ways to get out of work for tomorrow, including but not limited to crashing my car on the freeway.
I thought I was just beyond tired because I was stuck in the airport for 18+ hours yesterday and hadn’t slept, but after 9 hours last night and having just woken up from another 4.5 hours, still feeling like a swift end would be my best bet at this point. What do I do? I’m afraid if I drive I will hurt myself or someone else, even just to go to the hospital which is only 5 mins away. Also live in US so there’s no way in hell I’m calling 911. Help. | self.bipolar |
Lost control Thank you in advance, I’m glad you people take the time to do this. You are truly amazing.
All my life, I’ve struggled in school. It’s not that I couldn’t do the work, but rather lack the motivation in my life to get it all done and even just turn it in when I was done. I always wonder why I was like this. Some days, despite what my parents had believed, I tried to look for a better reason than “I just didn’t care”, there had to be a better explanation because I wanted to succeed, I just didn’t know what that meant. I don’t blame my parents though. Sometime I agree with them. To this day I still haven’t figured out quite why I do this, maybe I am lazy and I’ve convinced myself otherwise.
It was around may of last year when I got hit with the brick over my head of “something just isn’t right” and after months of torture I accepted the fact that I was transgender. I figured this could be the turn in my life. I figured this could be the root of my problems and I can finally begin to fix the life I’ve leas which went nowhere, because even now I still isn’t have any idea what my future would be like, I had no clear goals or aspirations. I had no destiny for myself. But now it could change, because this had to be the problem which cursed me all these years.
Whether that is still true or not, I still don’t know. I can’t say for sure if I had depression all my life and it was just hidden under my conscious, or last May was when it hit, but even since then I’ve been getting worse. As senior year begins on its last semester and college and the rest of my life looms just around the corner, I still feel that same hopelessness and confusion for myself in life, and my flaws have started to highlight themselves before me.
Before summer was when I realized what was happening to me, my depression. Yesterday, now I began to actually convince myself to commit suicide. I know that death is permanent. I know about the wake of my death and the consequences on my family members, But it’s like I’ve almost stopped caring about it. Caring about people... it’s one of the only real redeeming qualities I have. Now I’m terrified of what I’ve become, what I’m convincing myself to do. As a classmate and friend was talking to the class about a friend that had taken their own life, and the pain they felt about what they could have done to save them and hadn’t, I was picturing a knife to my wrists like I was dreaming for it to happen.
I can’t do this. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to die, but I’ve finally lost control. I can’t trust myself anymore. I know my resources, I know I can talk to someone, but how? How can I force myself to put and end to this? How can I put my foot down and save myself? I need help.
Edit: ok, I’ve calmed down a little and got some time to think. I know this is not what I want, and I know I can’t let this happen. The thing that has been stalling me from trying to talk to someone or getting help, it’s because I’m so caught up in what people think about me. I don’t know how in the world i did it, but talking to people about the problems I have in depth, I’m terrified about the way their perception of me will change. I know people care about me, but I guess I feel like sharing with people that I’m actually a wreck of a human, that I’ve been so confused and sad, I’m scared about what that does to them when they think of me. I can’t explain it. It doesn’t make sense. I guess that’s kind of the point, huh? I’m so caught in a web of relationships and people and trying to keep them all happy, trying to make their lives better. Maybe I feel like once they see I’m just as unstable as them all they won’t trust me or something. It’s crazy, I know.
So, I’m done with this game. In the wise words of the great man John Wetton, this lie is over. I’m ditching this mindset I’ve developed that hides me from others and giving in. At lunch today, I’m finding a teacher I can trust and tell them everything. After that, I’m not sure, but I know that I’m going to tell them that I can’t do this anymore and I have to change. I have to let go and place my trust in the people around me. I’m still terrified though. I have no idea what the next few days will be, but I know the focus will be on me, which unnerves me as I like to focus on others rather than myself, but now, I don’t know. I feel like I can make peace with that rather than cower at the thought. I also think I’m going to take a year after high school to collect myself, and maybe think about things. I can have the time to finally get my damn drivers license and think about my career, and even my plans for myself in terms of my gender and how I plan to move forward. God forbid I chicken out on confessing for that, because I really need the guidance of my parents, as weird and awkward as that’s going to be. As for a hobby, I can start on writing. Something I’ve always wanted to do but never got around to. What a moment of clarity, I actually have a plan rather than ghosting my own life day by day. Maybe just writing this tiny confession online helped me on its own, but to those who commented you are wonderful people with a big ol heart and I will be taking your advice.
Thank you so much! <3 | self.SuicideWatch |
Trans girl that really wants to die I'm a 16 year old trans girl. I don't look it tho, and it kinda makes me want to die. I want to go peacefully, I want the pain to stop. My thoughts torment me, I think such horrible things. I just want it to end. Living my life trapped in someone else's body is sickening. Nothing I do makes me feel good. Help | self.SuicideWatch |
I feel like everyone I know is leaving me I dont really know how to put it its just that everyone I know everyone I think is my friends are leaving me it seems. I dont know what im doing wrong and I can feel my depression coming back that I haven't had for 3 years. People I have loved and cared for for YEARS are leaving because of me, because im changing and not happy, and ive realized that you cannot hide a disinterest in life. People will not listen to me, and I just dont know how im going to go on and trust people ever again because of past events and fuck ups in my life | self.depression |
My family makes me feel so lonely Recovering serious depression, abusive relationship and recently diagnosed with BPD too. Been relatively well recently, still a long way to go but I've actually been feeling quite happy.
Been at my parents for two days now and I can't wait to get home. Being here always makes me feel no one knows me and that I'm so alone in the world. I feel like I hate everyone and I don't usually feel this way. Everything they do and say annoys me but I'm not showing it, which makes it even more exhausting. Yesterday they were playing a word explaining game and the explanation for weird was "the way op is". I don't mind being called weird but holy fuck I'm not even that fucking weird, and I don't know, after all this time feels pretty shitty to just be the prime example of weird to my sisters.
I told my mum about my BPD diagnose and her reaction was "do you think I might have something like that too?", how the hell can she be so selfish? She told me my second grade teacher had already said "I think op has something" (along the lines of adhd or personality disorders or something like that: however seems to have been clear something was wrong with me), THANKS FOR REACTING IN TIME MUM. It's just like how I don't know if I've have chicken pox or not, my mum just never realised it would matter to remember such petty things about her children. For fuck's sake, I'm a human, and she's been sabotaging my life.
The other night we were having some guests and we were making pizzas, my sister asked me what ideas I've got for them. I said she shouldn't ask me since I'd make something like spinach or beetroot or broccoli since that's the kind of shit I eat and those probably won't be exactly a hit. She said spinach-feta sounds good and said we'll make it even though I didn't really want to, cause I knew I'd be getting shit for the weird pizza being my idea. It's not a big deal and I know they didn't mean it personally, but things like my little brother saying like three times "this green stuff tastes like seaweed doesn't it!!" or everybody laughing "what a surprise, there's op's spinach pizza still left". I don't know why I care about this, just makes me feel so excluded, like yeah putting spinach pizza is the fucking weirdest thing ever and I deserve to feel like a loser for it.
Do I have to come here for christmas?? I've never been anywhere but with my family but fucking hell, I really don't want to. I always feel miserable here. I only ever come here cause I feel like I'm supposed, that's the only reason I'm really in touch with my family. It scares me to feel like I don't love them or even care about them.
I guess I just had to rant, thank you for letting me. | self.depression |
Prone to cutting I haven’t felt like cutting in *months* and now I feel like it and I think I will. I don’t know why and it sucks and like everyone says...... the normal supports get tired. I have ptsd too. Blah blah blah. So tonight I think I open the wounds up and if it’s not tonight it’s tomorrow or the next night and it sucks. I’ve done what I can’t to stop it.
Wheeeeeee to sad face. | self.bipolar |
My Lexapro is making me crazy... Depression is at a high so this is definitely TL... But better out than in right... Opening Song: Surprise Yourself – Jack Gareth
I’m currently sitting here having taken my klonopin and my morning dose of Lexapro. It seems that I can’t go throughout the day anymore without taking my anxiety medication as well because my thoughts are just too intense on top of work and school stress. So this is my rant… you can read it or not, it’s going to be long as hell…. but I welcome comments and suggestions as my depression seems to be getting worse even with my lexapro dose being raised. I’m only on week two, so hopefully it will get better soon and I won’t have to go higher… I just don’t want to feel anymore. Not that I’m suicidal, but the places I go…. Those dark holes and the thoughts of all the things I either overthink, wish I could change, and wish I had done or hadn’t done… they are swallowing me whole. I’ve found that the longer it stays in my system the better it gets, so that’s what I’m hoping. I’ve been told maybe this isn’t the right medication but I don’t want to give up right in the middle when everything I’ve read said it takes a few weeks to actually start working to the best of its ability. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore… I’ve got so much going on in my head that just won’t turn off and it’s really starting to be a burden. I’ve been told I need to let go of a lot of things or stop overthinking other things, but some people just don’t really realize how hard that is. I’m an extremely empathetic person and I almost feel like sometimes it runs me into the ground because I feel like a bother when I’m just trying to make sure the people closest to me are ok… So let’s start this, as if this wasn’t long enough… I’m even going to add a playlist to it in case you want to follow around with my thoughts because I’ve found that there are a lot of songs that go directly along with how I’m feeling. Yes there is some country in here and it’s a very different range of music but please no judging… Sometimes the lyrics just speak to the heart. I’m trying to do my best to understand that this isn’t permanent… What’s happened has happened and what is to come can occur at any time, but as my journal says “All We Have Is Now.” So I’m trying to work through my options and figure out the best thing to do because I can’t live my life like this. I can’t sleep next to someone knowing that it’s not working while thinking of the potential to be insanely happy. I already screwed up once… Maybe if I have the courage to put all of this into action, even though it won’t be what I want in the end, I’ll be able to at least feel free.
A – Current Song: Mean – Taylor Swift
We’ve been together for so long; it’s hard to think of life without you. That’s why I think this has driven me to become so depressed and it really sucks to have to be medicated to be with someone like this. You have run me over for years… blaming things on me, talking down to me, and making me feel like I wasn’t worth anything. Even after we made it official and then got our house you just kept driving me into the ground. I was never doing the right things around the house, it’s my job as the “woman” to clean and cook when in reality I work all day in an office that creates a two hour commute while you sit at home in your pajamas working. Yes that is great and I’m proud of how far you’ve come with your business, but you don’t have to be such an ass about it… you don’t have to tell me all the time how much you’re making per month and brag about how you signed another customer. I’d love to hear of your triumphs, but the way you talk about it makes me feel like I’m a complete waste of space and I’m just there as someone to help pay the mortgage and create a baby for you. Which by the way, I don’t even know if I want a child because I have so many aspirations of traveling and living my life that it just doesn’t fit for me right now… Then you expect me to have three!! What are you crazy? I barely can keep myself above water and you want to risk my sanity and my life when I’m not even at a point where I feel comfortable enough to have one. These are things that should have been discussed before when I wanted to discuss them and you just pushed it away saying it wasn’t the right time. I almost feel like you have insane resentment towards me and have from the beginning when we moved out but that was a choice YOU made. Just like the other choices that you resent me for, they were ones that yes I wanted but YOU made a choice and if that was the wrong one for you and you had doubts you should have never done it because you have literally dragged me down with you. You always say that you think everything is fine and nothing is wrong…. clearly you don’t know me at all and the seven years we’ve been together has been just me floating along as a roommate or even a ghost. I’ve been doing nothing but try to fix things for the last three years and it just seems like you are putting blinders on. I address something and you just shut it down or come up with a story of the way you saw the situation. You only show affection to me when it’s convenient for you, and I always seem to be unattractive now because all you want is when I’m ready for bed and apparently my pajamas are not appealing. I’m not going to just go to sleep with nothing because that isn’t who I am, nor am I comfortable with it. I’ve been told so many times “what are you doing with someone who clearly isn’t making you happy.” And I’ve been warned multiple times that this wasn’t the right situation, you were nothing like my “type” but I got over it because I loved you, but I don’t love who we’ve become. All you do is sit inside all day and I want to see the world. I want to get out and enjoy life because we only have one and you make the biggest fights out of doing things. I want to go hiking for a few hours…. It’s too hot or too cold and boring so I get over it and don’t go. When it comes to you wanting to go play cards or video games it becomes “why do you always want to be alone and sit here reading.” Have you ever considered that we’ve just grown too far apart to come back together? When I cry… there are people I want to hug and sit with to talk about it and help to get over the issues, but you are somehow not one of them because you just sit there and have no idea how to deal with emotions. I get it, you aren’t an emotional person and don’t see affection as needed to be with someone but I do. I love to cuddle and hold hands. I love to provide positive support and despise stupid fights over nonsense. I love to love period and I feel like I deserve someone who respects and reciprocates that. I could say so much more… but I feel like I can’t even get my main points across without being shut down… Maybe I’ll start an anonymous blog and continue on…
Ending Song: Invisible – Linkin Park & Attention – Charlie Puth
B – Current Song: We Are Young - Fun
I’m so happy to have you as my best friend. I can’t imagine what my life would be without you and I feel like you’ve become the one constant in my life. I’m so happy to see where you are going in life and to see that you have accomplished so many goals. I’m just a bit afraid though because I feel us drifting apart. I know that we don’t live as close as we did, and that you now have an amazing boyfriend that is treating you how you should be treated but I miss you… There are so many things that I have wanted to talk about and explain to you of how I’ve been feeling and that’s probably contributing to my insane thoughts that are just growing and growing but I don’t want to be a downer and I almost don’t want to hear your answer even though I know it’s the right one. I know that you are and will always be there for me through everything and that you above all else are the one person I can always count on no matter the time of night. I’m sorry I’ve been so withdrawn and bailed on plans. It just seems like one thing after another and I don’t want to bring any sadness into your life when you are going up so high. I’ve watched you go from low to high and it’s the best thing, I’m so proud of you. The ability to cope with what we feel and be able to manage it without medication is so encouraging and you have so much power. You are beautiful and strong, no matter what life throws at you there is always an answer to the challenge. I hope that you’ve found someone who will treat you how you deserve and not be a dick like the rest of them. He seems amazing and like he really truly wants you to be happy too. I really hope that we don’t grow farther apart. Obviously that is insanely selfish but I just really don’t know what I’ll do without you with what’s to come. I don’t know if I can keep going without your support and advice. You
Ending Song: Count On Me – Bruno Mars
C – Current Song: In Case You Didn’t Know – Brett Young
Where do I even begin with you…? I should have listened to you years ago and just gone for it but I was afraid. We both knew my situation and I can guarantee if I had listened and just left with you I would have been so much happier but I also wonder if it’s better that it didn’t happen because we both had growing to do. It kills me because I have not stopped thinking about you for six years and I have no idea why. It’s so confusing and I don’t want to ruin the friendship that we have because we are both in a serious relationship but I can’t seem to get you out of my head and I don’t know what to think about it. I will be out of my situation as quickly as I can, but you are so happy it seems and I know I can never have you because I don’t want to ruin anything. It could be me overthinking again but I just can’t help it. Our relationship as it is so important to me because I know that you are there for me when times get tough and vice versa, but I feel like I’ll ruin it a second time if things change and I admit any of this. Seeing you all the time is hard and keeping my thoughts in is even harder because I can’t lie to you at all. If you asked me directly what I thought, I would get myself in trouble and tell you. I know you don’t feel the way that I do, and I’m probably in a real shit karma position that I do feel like this but it’s lasted six years even after not seeing each other for a while. I have no idea how, or why, but having you around brings a light that I don’t want to lose. You haunt my dreams with what ifs and the possibilities, but I know even if things were different it wouldn’t happen. Whether it stays as it is, or by god’s grace things change in the future and that chance presents itself again, I can’t lose you twice so I’m trying my best to block it out. I am completely ok with having you in my life as a friend; I can’t imagine without but would understand if my depression drama is too much because you have your own things going on too. I feel like if you ever read this I would be mortified, but you’re very sneaky and I feel like you could end up finding it so I will write even more directly to you. You deserve the most amazing life and someone who loves you unconditionally. You should know that you deserve someone who doesn’t always have to be with you to know that you are the best thing to ever. Even you as a friend in life is a gift to anyone lucky enough to be around you. I feel like you have a lot going on, and I know that you understand who is there for you and who isn’t, but just know that you are an amazing person. You are so intelligent and I can honestly see you going so far in life. You are so extremely handsome too... I notice stupid things and you even have Clark Kent hair sometimes when your hair gets too long. I would never second guess yourself because you are honestly as close to perfect as you can get. If you are happy in the situation you are in right now, I wish you the best and hope that it all smooths out to be beneficial for BOTH of you because I’ve learned that is what is important. You shouldn’t have one person working so hard to keep the other happy or to keep the relationship going, it should be an equal two way street. I was an idiot to not see what was right in front of me, I’m so oblivious I should have noticed that something so amazing was right there and I just let it slip through my fingers because I thought that was the right thing to do. Life is too short to not take chances and even though I never gave you that letter years ago when I should have, I wouldn’t take it back. I know that I’ll never have a chance and that I’m basically talking to a wall, but I just want you to know that you are more amazing than you know and I hope that you realize that.
Ending Song: There was another song for this, but I’ll put this here instead… Shiver – Coldplay
D – Current Song: You Found Me – The Fray
Even though you aren’t here anymore, I still hear your voice in my head. I know the advice you would provide and the path you would suggest. I can’t imagine what you would think of where I am now, but I can guess. Not having you around has been the hardest thing because you were the one person who wouldn’t give me a round about answer and would be the guiding hand that I needed. You raised me and I will always appreciate the lessons I’ve learned from you. I still can’t believe you’re gone, it’s been six years now and I feel like it was yesterday. I feel like I lost you before the hardest challenge in my life and it kills me. Sometimes when I look up I know that you are looking down and enjoying the stars as much as I am except you have a much better view. Even after we started losing you, you were still full of surprises and final bits of advice that I really needed. She needs you too and hasn’t fully grieved… she acts like she has but she really hasn’t and it kills me to see her so upset. Our family is fractured and it started when we lost you. It kills me but I’m just so glad that you are in a better place and no longer in the pain that you were in. Seeing you that last time and knowing that you had no idea who I was… that hurt so bad but you even pretended to so I know part of you knew how important you were to our family. Whenever I’m feeling lost, I just hold on to the fact that I know you’re still there for me and looking out for me. Sometimes I swear I can feel your hand guiding me and keeping me away from the worse things that I could be doing. I will always miss you and love you unconditionally – until I see you again you’re always on my mind.
Ending Song: Beautiful Day – U2
E – Current Song: Bad At Love - Halsey & Lonely – Demi Lovato
I know that you are in a dark place right now. I know that you are feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but you have hope. You just need the courage and clear conscious in order to do what needs to be done, or figure out what your plan for your life is. You are beautiful, funny, intelligent and amazing. For people to not realize that it is not your fault and there are more missed opportunities than you can count while you sit and wallow in your own self pity. Who knows what would happen if you weren’t where you are now. Things come and go; jobs, friends, love, money…. But your life is important and it isn’t to be taken lightly. You can be so amazing if you only try. Wearing jeans and long sleeve everyday may feel comfortable and let you cover up what you are so insecure about, but in reality your parents (even though they are parents) are right, you are so much more deserving of everything that life has to offer. You can reach for the sky and probably even take some home. Those nights when you sit outside and stare at the stars… they really are the different paths that you have in life. You will always have your family watching over you and your friends beside you. Just because you are in a rut doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. You have the potential to make your own choices and change your situation so do something about it. Whether you are afraid of the change, to let go of that great love that was once there, not having a place to live… all of that will not be permanent. Things will be bad for a while and things WILL change but they will also get better and sooner or later you won’t have to be taking pills everyday to just get out of bed and shut your mind off. You won’t have to worry about that accidental comment or that trip you want to go on because you can just go with it. You can see the world if you want to, you just have to open your eyes. There are probably things right in front of you that you don’t even notice but it’s understandable because it’s been so hard and you’ve been pushed so far. Just know that you aren’t alone. One day, someone will sing Fresh Eyes about you <3
Ending Song: This Too Shall Pass – Ok Go
Alternate: Oxygen – Fred V & Grafix | self.depression |
Any advice on how I can get my career moving? So I seem to really be lost and too scared to pick a direction. I ended an 8 year emotionally abusive relationship three months ago, and have had to move back in with my parents. I planned to go back to uni this year, after my ex sabotaged my studies last year and I suffered an emotional breakdown that lasted for weeks. I couldn't tell my parents about it because they just belittle me and it causes such low self esteem and I end up hating myself. I have so much uni debt already and all I can picture myself doing is visual arts. It seems that every decision I come close to, someone butts in and knocks me down with worry and doubt about money or if I'm doing the right thing. I guess I'm asking if this is a good idea to pursue this passion into a career, as I'm doubting any decent future income with this degree, and I know this decision is going to create difficult conversations of me having to try and stand up for myself to my parents. I'm very stressed and don't know what else to do. I'm too quiet and shy for alot of jobs, and the thought of going out and working scares me.
I am in desperate need to become independent, as I feel like others are drowning me in stress, but I am so lacking in the real world skills to do it. Where can I start?
| self.Anxiety |
Could this be mania? Earlier this week, I had perhaps a psychotic break. My Psychologist advised to go to the er and get evaluated. The ER decided that I was not a big enough threat to get put on a hold, nor could I just pay to go. What a waste of money, that I couldn't really afford for nothing.
After I got home, for the first time that I remember, I was giddy happy and couldn't stop talking and/or thinking about random crap. I was worried that I was bugging the crap out of people.
This lasted three days before it dwindled and depression reasserted itself.
I apparently suffer from major depression and its long term lil brother. I have been asked about manic events, but I never get happy only deeply angry....is it possible that I had mania after the break?
I sort of hope so, I have been floating around undiagnosed with something. | self.bipolar |
Question about stability Hi, a very close friend of mine very recently had her first episode of mania (she didn't have a depressive episode of anything beforehand). Bipolar runs in her family, so she knew there'd be a chance she'd have it, but her episode was really pretty severe. I first noticed her as being a bit different to her usual self while we were revising together for exams. She said she felt like she wasn't quite herself, and that she had been losing quite a lot of sleep. Over the next couple of months it gradually got worse, and she started being very active on social media - even streaming on Instagram, which isn't like her at all - normally she's very quiet. She started saying she was going to be competing in the Olympics out of the blue, and that the secret services had hired her. She became super active, going on ridiculously long bike rides every single day. As a result of the bike rides, she ended up injuring her back slightly (nothing serious), and she had to have an X-ray done. It turned out that everything was pretty much fine, but she managed to convince herself that she had lost control of her legs, and that she was going to be having an operation that may or may not bring back use of her legs. Anyway after that she was put in a hospital for 10 days, and by the end of the 10 days she seemed to be back to normal - she went on holiday with her family for a week and apparently she was perhaps a bit flat, but for the most part completely back to her usual self.
She seemed fine until exam results day. In the evening after we got our results, she started turning manic again, but it was much, much worse than last time. On the first night she refused to sleep in her room, and instead slept in the summer house in the garden. She then ran out into the fields beyond her garden at night, screaming, and turned up at a neighbour's house at about 3am, saying things about being chased. She then kept phoning me at 4-ish every morning, asking me to come over, saying her family had locked her in (obviously for her own safety) over night. Over the next 3-4 days she got pretty much no sleep at all, and got worse and worse. She started to completely lose track of reality. One day she obsessively pruned the hedges in her garden from morning until night. Another day she obsessively packed stuff for university for hours on end. She kept trying to prepare for a party for a day that had passed several days ago. She would never ever actually get a task done, because every time she started doing something she'd forget why she was there/what she was even doing. She couldn't even pour herself a drink without getting distracted. One time she asked us to help her put stuff on the garden table in preparation for the 'party' and she started putting her makeup stuff, toiletries etc. on the table, alongside paper cups etc. She stopped being able to keep track of the time/date, and was preparing/packing for a festival that had already taken place a week ago. It was almost like seeing someone with dementia. On the last day while she was at home she kept fainting and collapsing every few minutes, due to lack of sleep and exhaustion. I had to follow her around for t he whole day just to catch her/the things she had been holding in her hand. She kept saying she was exhausted and that she needed to sit down for a moment, but then suddenly her eyes would light and up and suddenly she'd suggest playing football or going to the park or something. Alongside that she kept having rather unnerving hallucinations of all different kinds. She once again completely believed that the secret services had hired her, and she thought that the ambulance that was on the way was in fact part of the secret services that were going to take her away to Australia. At one point when we were talking face-to-face she seemed to think she was on the phone with me. It's like her memories and thoughts of the past couple of weeks were all completely jumbled up, and she couldn't seem to distinguish between reality and her own imagination. She kept getting everyone to do really peculiar things (she told us at one point to all grab an empty notebook, put on an apron each and write information about ourselves in the notebook) and got distressed and even angry if we didn't comply. In addition to this she was extremely hostile to her parents, calling them all sorts of horrific things (I had never even heard her swear before, prior to her episode), even though normally she is very respectful of them. For the whole of the final morning, she kept wandering around the whole neighbourhood, entering peoples' houses, randomly taking stuff, then going to the next house etc. (really lucky that she had understanding neighbours). Anybody that tried to stop her got a bunch of insults/rude words hurled at them. When the ambulance finally did come, she tried running away and they 'chased' her round for around half an hour. She kept 'tricking' them by pretending to choke as a distraction then running away again. Eventually out of complete exhaustion she gave up and was taken to the hospital, but on the way she was crying, saying that she'd end up killing herself, that it's horrible there, that the other patients scare her etc. But the fact is that she had turned completely and utterly psychotic, to the extent that which passers-by were scared of her, and to the extent that I had only ever seen in movies - she really did need to be in hospital. A total of 23 friends/family were at her house that day just to keep an eye on her.
While in hospital, I visited her multiple times. On the first day, she kept trying to escape, and was screaming at the top of her lungs/disturbing the other patients so much that they had to pin her down and sedate her. This happened multiple times, and she was put in isolation, but she freed herself from it by getting the staff's attention by pretending to strangle herself with her bra. Once she got her way by pretending to kill herself once, she kept doing it. E.g. when a visitor had to leave, she started pretending to strangle herself with a telephone line.
As a result of all of this, she was moved into intensive care, with much stricter visiting hours, and a lot closer monitoring. The other patients at the intensive care place were significantly more ill than in the first hospital. Many of them had been there for years, and had serious self-harming/suicidal tendencies. For the first few days, she was so restless that they had to pin her down and sedate her at least once a day. Fortunately after just a few days there, she started showing huge signs of improvement. After a week or so she was moved back to the first hospital, and another two weeks later she was discharged, and completely back to being her old self. It has since been around two months, and both of us are now at separate universities. She seems to be coping very well with even the brand new environment and bigger workload, and has been completely stable for these past two months - we speak on the phone regularly and I've visited her a few times too. She's taking all her medication and is getting plenty of sleep, which is very reassuring. As someone that doesn't have the disorder, it seems almost miraculous that somehow she's completely back to being her old self again, after having such a long, severe set of manic episode. But I'm aware that the disorder is called 'bipolar' for a reason: that following manic episodes, one gets depressive episodes - but so far she has not yet had a significant low, only these two manic episodes. She does sometimes says she feels a bit flat on occasional evenings. What she (and her parents) seem most concerned about is that a very long, severe low might hit her, but they reckon that the medication is keeping her very stable at the moment. It's reassuring that she seems stable now, but seeing how fast she went downhill after her period of 'normality' between the two episodes, I can't help but worry.
My question is, for those of you who are more knowledgeable about the disorder/have had it for longer than she has - is it possible that she might not have a low at all? Or is it inevitable, despite whatever medication she takes, that she will have a very hard-hitting low following this extreme manic episode? Finally, is the severity of her manic episode unheard of or is it relatively common (her father has had the disorder for over 40 years of his life and he said that he's never had an episode as bad as hers was)? Thanks a lot! | self.bipolar |
I broke down and i'm lost No idea if i'm breaking rules so i will apologise in advance.
Sexually abused at a young age.
Physically abused growing up.
Bullied until the age of 15.
Slept on my relatives couch because we had nowhere to live. Developed psoriasis at this time which destroyed the little confidence i had left.
Grew up with sibling and single mother, being the oldest i had no freedom and had to do all the chores until i moved out at the age of 15-16. Didn't have many friends or get to socialise and now i feel socially awkward all the time.
Often had thoughts of not wanting to exist and wishing i would never wake up, sometimes i would cry myself to sleep.
Want to love and be loved but i feel like a broken mess and i would be a burden to anyone and i feel so much guilt that my current girlfriend (her first relationship) ended up with me and my problems. When she tells me she loves me i feel so much joy and then so much guilt that i got into a relationship with her due to my state.
Had one sexual relationship that ended due to trust issues, everything seemed ok at first but i started to last shorter periods of time during intercourse to the point where i would orgasm after entering. I spent the years after masturbating to porn and the problem hasn't gone away. I can last a few minutes or so but sometimes i can get really aroused and it can end straight away. I've finally went out of my comfort zone and got into a new relationship have a year ago but these issues are making things difficult. I can't fully let myself go when we make out as i don't want to hurt her but i don't want to shame myself either. I feel disgust at myself sometimes if i touch her in any sexual way even if we are just kissing passionately. Part of me feels like i am forcing her into these situations and I've not read her signals correctly but she doesn't want to say no. Feel super hesitant when i'm with her in these situations.
I opened up to her about the things on this list a little while ago and last night i broke down after making out. We had done it a few times over my visit but each time i would stop as i felt guilty and awful and unsure if it was ok with her. I just started to cry and apologise for my behaviour and for putting her into these, what i believe to be, uncomfortable situations. I hated myself and felt disgusting. When we woke things were ok but then we were kissing and it all flooded back to me and i broke down. I tried to explain my feelings to her and just cried. We eventually got on with our last day together (visiting her at university) and i felt a lot lighter but we ended up making out again and the thoughts crept back. I'm scared I've lost her after today and she was the one person who made me truly believe i could be happy and normal. At the same time i don't want her to deal with these problems and want her to be happy. Sometimes i'm scared i put too much on her being the one thing that makes me happy becasue everything else is awful and this might put pressure or strain on the relationship.
Work was also depressing me and i wouldn't even want to get out of bed most days. I'm starting a new job this Monday and i'm scared i'm going to fail and disappoint everyone.
As you can see my thoughts are scattered and i'm sorry this is all over the place. What can i do? Why do i feel so inadequate? Have you guys got through any of this? I am so scared and lost right now and i don't know what to do. | self.depression |
Leaving my partner and everything I know after 15 years [deleted] | self.depression |
I am always open to talk, especially in the middle of the night when I wake up. It’s always around 3:00-4:00 am when I wake up in a panic!!!! Add me :) | self.Anxiety |
[Self-counciousness/anxiety] How to heighten self esteem about looks? I’ve been told by sooo many people that I’m a very attractive guy, I still find it hard to believe sometimes. I have extreme anxiety and a more mild OCD. How do I overcome this and accept the facts that I have nothing to worry about? Not trying to sounds cocky at all so I’m sorry if it comes across that way | self.Anxiety |
I need medical help but not sure how to afford it. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
When you notice yourself internally criticising yourself, try to give yourself constructive feedback instead. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Had a decent day yesterday and today on waking up my mind has been sliced up again Rebooting | self.Anxiety |
i dont want to die but i feel its the only option left [deleted] | self.depression |
Everyone I know is moving upwards. I'm in the same place. Feeling hopeless. (Vent) Hello Reddit,
I'm using a throwaway account because I don't want any of what I'm about to say to be traced back to me. Admittedly, I'm a little drunk, but hey, I needed some liquid courage to get the words out, and I don't have anybody else to vent to except for you poor souls. I used to go to a therapist, but I "got better" last year, and stopped scheduling visits and weaned myself off Zoloft. Maybe I'll have to get in touch with the behavioral health hospital again... Oh joy..,
Anyway, I'm a 22-year-old college senior. I made the mistake of majoring in chemistry. The job prospects are terrible. I'm graduating this December, and I'm terrified. I don't want to apply to chemistry graduate programs either because I've heard one too many horror stories about life as a PhD student, and I'm not trying to exacerbate my depression.
So what am I going to do? Well, I guess I don't know. I'm currently a waiter at a struggling restaurant, so I suppose I'll have to work there after graduating. Not sure how that job will help me pay-off my student loans, though. I'll probably have to pick up a second, possibly a third job to keep my head above water.
On top of this, my girlfriend just got an engineering internship at a large corporation all because her mom is the head plastics engineer at one of their branch locations. Naturally, she thinks she's so fucking special now. Oh yeah, good fucking job, babe, you landed a job through nepotism. She thinks she's so smart even though I'm the one who has helped her with her math homework all these years. Of course, I could never say these things to her. What kind of guy would I be then? Best to just push all my jealousy and resentment deep, deep down into the darkness of my soul and act like I'm happy for her. That's why I took her out to a congratulatory dinner and lied through my teeth the whole time. Super healthy, I know.
Needless to say, I have no ambition right now. I'm usually a pro-active student, but this semester I've just been letting the world pass me by. Two of my professors have emailed me about my attendance, or lack thereof. Oh well. Maybe they'll lower my letter grade at the end of the semester in spite of my exam scores. Yeah, that'll teach me a lesson.
All of my friends have moved away. (I was a year behind them in school.) They're all successful now. One is in law school. One is a journalist for a large publication company. One is in graduate school for geochemistry. One is a computer engineer. One is in pharmacy school. And then there's me, a soon-to-be career waiter.
I should have majored in computer science or engineering. I might not be happier, but at least I'd be able to find a job that didn't entail serving over-priced burgers to rude, fat fucks. I've wasted so much time and money on this seemingly useless degree. I feel hopeless. Some nights I have to drink until I'm numb just so I can sleep, else intrusive thoughts will keep me up until morning.
I'm sorry for rambling. I know I sound like a shitty person. I am one. I'm just so tired of living. I wish I didn't exist. I don't need a list of suicide hotline numbers to call. I've called them before. Thank you very much, though.
Glad you took the time to read this. Or some of it. Or none of it. Thanks if you just clicked on it, I guess. I don't know. I'm pretty drunk now.
| self.depression |
the girl i liked talked shit behind my back soooo this was about yesterday night when i decided to group video call my friends , i like one of them , but my other friends boyfriend joined the chat and the girl i like never has even talked to him , i went to get a glass of water and came back silently i heard them talking about me and silently sat in a corner and listened for 10 mins , first my friend tried to hook me up with her , but she just said no that is never going to happen , and my friend said why ? and she said that i cant see him in that way , and she also said that i was weird in a way , and i decided to show my face but then my friends boyfriend said he must be jerking off right now , and the girl i like said , yeah i could see that , and i ended the call , the thing i hate is how people can be sooo poisonous some times and it really hurts me that someone i liked said that to me , i know most of you wouldn't care , i just had to get this off my chest | self.depression |
Tired of constantly feeling alone I'm so tired of feeling alone. I'm heart feels so empty and I'm extremely tired of feeling this way. I have nothing and no one. I don't even have the courage to kill myself. I'm such a useless coward. So now I'm just stuck in limbo hoping that everyday I wake up I finally have the courage to do it. | self.SuicideWatch |
I need a hug I need to know that everything will be all right, because at this rate, I don't think it will be. | self.Anxiety |
Everything is so tiring. I have one more day off at home for Thanksgiving break from my part time job after having spent the last 3 primarily on travel and family (which I guess I enjoyed, aside from the lack of productivity eating at my soul).
I’ve got about 50 days worth of productive stuff I need to get done, and I’m probably doing about 0 of it tomorrow.
Not good. I wish I were better.
Economics will soon force my remaining livelihood to crumble, and I’ll be bringing down others with me due to my own inadequacy and false hopes that any second now I’ll rise to be something better.
I’m outdated. Irrelevant. Tired. I want more. | self.depression |
I wish nobody loved me. I wish I could kill myself without hurting anybody. | self.depression |
Nursing my brain back to health I’m coming out of a very deep low cycle. I had therapy yesterday and we both think that it was triggered by, or at least correlates to, my time of the month (I had skipped last month as well).
Anyway, a few days before Thanksgiving break (I’m a teacher) I took a sick day from work and felt guilty about it. I posted about it on here and you guys made me feel so much better. I pushed through this week and didn’t take any days off but I’ve been slowly nursing my brain back to health. I’ve been letting myself be lazy and watch tv and decorate for Christmas while I recuperate. This evening I made myself a hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows.
I guess the point of my post is I realize now how important it is to take care of your brain...like REALLY take care of it. And how much more goes into it than just taking your meds. I’ll have some work to catch up on during the weekend to make up for the week but I know I’ll be okay.
Thanks for reading and thanks for always being my support on here. | self.bipolar |
New here, Melancholy Depression Hoping I can sleep tonight. After about 7 years on Effexor XR I thought I was over this...But it's back again, my third major depression. The last one landed me a month in the psych ward.
I don't want to go through that again. I'll try to plan something for tomm....Just thinking out loud here, helpful site....
I don't want to have to pop Ativan again just for sleep. Every day is getting longer and longer... | self.depression |
It's almost been a year since I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Last January-February I had one of the worst manic episodes/psychotic breaks I've ever had. It was full blown paranoia, grandiose delusions, no sleep, and I even got to the point of hallucinations. The weird part was being able to tell that my manic state was worsening when I would openly talk about horribly personal and dark things while my volume would be so loud people could hear me across the room but I couldn't stop talking, and while I was talking the words were coming out of my mouth so fast my brain could barely process what I was even saying. I would tell myself to shut up in my head but my mouth kept going and going and I would start to get worried and confused looks from my peers and of course that made my paranoia worsen. I made myself believe that my parents were lying to me my entire life and I got into a physical altercation with my mother (we normally get along very well) at one point I got into my second story deck and was about to jump off just to see if it would do anything. I remember feelings so helpless. I slept a few hours in several days and had horribly violent thoughts. I remember thinking, "it's all or nothing, I have to get out of this mindset or else I'll end up dead" I actually thought I was going to die. I wrote down all the awful things I was thinking of one night and I can't look at the pages even now. Since I'm approaching that time of year again I have noticed more manic behavior, and I'm afraid that it'll be a repeat of last year. Luckily I'm on lithium, lamictal, and seroquel and they have helped a ton. I used to have an extra "conscious" in the back of my head with racing thoughts and it would repeat words and phrases over and over like for example: "Lipstick lipstick liiiiiiiippppstick lipsliplipsticklipstick" and that (whatever it was) has almost disappeared, also feel like I can express my emotions to those around me more. I'm so glad I got an answer to what has been going on in my brain for the past 18 years, although maybe I feel empty and I'm not perfect by any means l, I feel like a puzzle piece has been set into place and i just need to find the other pieces to it. I would go in depth more about the manic episode but it's too painful to think about right now. Please wish me luck in the new year and let's hope I don't have another bad episode in the coming months, thank you for reading this, I just wanted to write down that experience and how it affected me, and I want to believe I'm a better person because of it. I still struggle everyday with mood swings, insomnia, delusions (to an extent ) Dissociation, and a few more things. Sorry that this is so long, I really thought it would be good to get it out. It's a terrible memory from last year but I feel the need to air it out. | self.bipolar |
I think I need to talk to someone This is a throwaway account, I usually never post on reddit. I have a lot of issues that I feel have been slowly killing me. I've gone through some terrible things and I can't get over them. My mental and emotional state has gotten to a point where I'm very worried about myself. If anyone for some reason feels like messaging me, I would be thankful to have someone to talk to.
Also, I'm 26 and male if it makes any difference. Some of my issues are relationship related so I might be more comfortable explaining to females. Anyway, thank all of you who help people on here regardless. | self.depression |
Motivation issues Anyone else deal with motivation issues? I know that you shouldn’t wait for the “right time” to do things as motivation supposedly is a result of action. CBT has also suggested to envision how I would feel after doing tasks.
My problem is that even if I force myself to do things, I don’t seem to feel any different. I generally feel as shitty as I was feeling before doing the task. I’m in my last semester in college and I’m hoping to graduate this year. It’s just that sometimes, I’d procrastinate because I don’t see the point in doing things anymore. It’s as if there’s no real reward in doing schoolwork. I just really force myself to do it because I have to because I don’t want to fail my courses. My depression coupled with anxiety would sometimes leave me in a bad state and it really sucks as it’s been happening a lot recently.
Any tips or thoughts? | self.depression |
I believe depression is just the inability to adapt to civilization [deleted] | self.depression |
I am switching from Zoloft to Cymbalta because of libido and orgasm difficulty. Has anybody else had experience with this? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Last therapy session This will likely be the last time i see my therapist. I had an idea that therapy wasnt for me and after 4 or so sessions i want to stop. They cant do anything for me. Im going to come clean about everything, and show my therapist my suicide note, so they can know exactly whats going on and i dont fuck up because i forgot something. Depending on what they say i'll stop going. Maybe i'll just give up after that. | self.SuicideWatch |
“Would I blame everything on others?” I’ve been wondering this for a *long* time. I don’t think I’ve reached a definite answer, but I was thinking about it. I don’t know if this is a bipolar thing, but Halsey made me think about it from one of her songs (which to me is about bipolar).
I can’t really think of many times I was at fault. Sure, fights (not physical dw) have been my fault, my grades are mostly my fault, but what else? Not a whole lot.
Is it normal to not remember things you’re at fault with?
I have lots of theories why I don’t. I blame myself for everything internally. If someone does something that makes me angry (ie I had a friend drop me because I work too much, but if I worked less I would be struggling to eat more than I was, he was also the only one who had a problem with it), I’ll end up finding a character flaw (real or imagined) so it makes it my fault. That’s not my fault, and I know it. Maybe things like that cover real faults up.
I say sorry a lot. Sometimes it’s habit, sometimes it’s because I don’t want someone to be angry at me, but it’s over very little or nothing. If someone’s angry I get anxious and even apologize for their mistakes (I said sorry when a coworker put in the wrong thing). My counselor thinks it’s a defense mechanism since I felt like I walk on eggshells a lot. She thinks it’s my parents, but I took a lot out on them when I was younger, so I don’t know if it’s from that or something else. Maybe since I feel at fault all the time it’s a normal feeling, so when it is my fault it fades into everything else?
I also spent a long time feeling guilty and at fault for lots of abuse. I had an easy out all but one time, and that one time wasn’t as bad because someone else got me to call the bluff. I don’t anymore, but maybe everything just doesn’t feel as bad as that so I just forget it, and that covers up memories.
I don’t know. I know I’m overthinking this, but it doesn’t upset me so that doesn’t bother me. If something happened would I take all of the blame or would I shove it onto others? One obviously gains more favor (taking blame), but would I just be too scared of consequences to take blame? I think I’d take the blame (since I already think everything’s my fault, but I feel like it makes *real* apologies ingenuine), but depending on the situation blame someone else or lessen the severity. Maybe I’m just comparing this all to little things, so maybe I’d blow it out of proportions.
It’s odd. I assume for “normal” people this is a no brainer. | self.bipolar |
I hate everything. I've been super suicidal lately. Imagining all the sharp objects in my house while I lay in bed. I tried to distract myself with what I thought would be a fun post on Reddit and got shit on. Now I feel worse. WHY did I think posting on the internet would help? WHY am I posting this? I just wish I had the guts to actually do it. | self.SuicideWatch |
waste of money lol aside from the humoungous hospital bill, i found out my dad ended up paying 24k for one session with some psychologist hahahha
they should've let me die lmao
im a waste of time and money and space and effort. | self.SuicideWatch |
When will it be over ? Well, after confessing to my crush and of course it not working out like I planned to. I just have no more hope in living and now I have an exam tomorrow and I can't get myself to study, everyone in my class is studying and having good grades besides me. What the hell is wrong with me. | self.depression |
ADHD and Bipolar Disorder How common is the treatment for commorbid Bipolar and ADHD? I live in Brazil and was diagnosed with ADHD at 10, I have used stimulants for a short period of time (less than two months) and only needed to see a psychiatrist because of anxiety and depression symptoms when I was 17 years old. Things escalated quickly then and I had a major manic episode and was "sectioned" and diagnosed with bipolar 2. My doctors here do not offer me any treatment for ADHD and I think the other meds are ever worsening my conditions, of course they are preventing me from becoming a crazy person, but they are taking me away from myself because I can't have a normal life. So, I want to ask: can someone be bipolar and still have an ADHD diagnostic or even be treated? Have a nice day you all
I'm Brazilian, so English is not really my thing too.
I'm taking lithium(900mg) Ativan(30mg) and Seroquel(100mg), the last is killing me, my muscles hurt and everything, I just want to sleep. I have an important test in two months (something like SAT's) and I need to study because I quit college during my stupid manic episode. | self.bipolar |
Adult Separation Anxiety (or something else?) TW: brief mention of suicidal ideation, self harm
Hi, I hope this is the right place for this.
I've suffered from GAD for a while, been diagnosed for like 5ish years? More recently though, a different type has shown up, that the closest thing I can think of is separation anxiety, but it could be codependency or idk what?
Anyways. I've known my bf 8 years, we've been on again off again but working this time with a relationship counselor and things have been for the most part very good. Recently, he's been living with me a lot of the time, and it's really nice. I'm a lot less anxious, I don't have anxiety that he's cheating on me, or anxiety that we have to make every date perfect, because I know we're not running out of time together.
Unfortunately, the downside is often when he leaves I get REALLY anxious and depressed. I cry, which is rare for me, cause I bottle up emotions. I get afraid of what will happen if I'm alone, if I get suicidal again (haven't been for a little while and really thankful), if I get the self harm urges again (I haven't acted on them, but I had really bad intrusive thoughts with them and had to get Serious Help). I don't want to be alone with myself. My friends are out of town with family for the holidays. I try to book myself things to occupy the time but it seems like every moment he's not home is a fearful one. He just left to be gone for all of today, and all of tomorrow with family. It's important and I'm not saying I don't want him to see them, I just want me to be okay with it. I don't want to feel like this when he leaves, and I really don't want to burden him with feeling guilty living his life just because I'm not able to handle him leaving, though he assured me last night I can always call him and should call him if the bad stuff comes up and he'll be there for me. This occurs too for things like when he goes to classes, etc., though to a lesser degree than rn, which is pretty devastating.
Also, I travel a little bit for work and fun, and have been without him for multiple nights and travelled without him recently, and been completely fine. It's just when he leaves me, not when I leave him.
Sorry for the long post. Again, I hope this is the right place for this. Thank you so much for reading.
TL;DR: When my bf leaves I get super distraught and fearful and I don't know why. | self.Anxiety |
Was in a car accident on the weekend... I was driving like an idiot and too fast. It was nothing too serious, just lost it around a corner 180'd and backed into a snowbank.
My ex and I, we would sometimes talk about suicide and whether or not we could do it. "I don't think I'd have the balls to kill myself, i guess thats why i put myself in stupid situations"
That incident made me think about that conversation and how scared i was to actually die and for awhile i didn't want to die | self.depression |
Please Help Me. The breakup is too fresh. I had hopes on this one... and then it was gone.
The pain is still too real.
Please. Someone take the pain away. Please | self.depression |
life is stupid 19f I firmly believe that there is no reason why I should continue to live anymore. I’m 19 and I have nothing to show for it. No job, no car or license, no place of my own. The only thing I’m doing with my life, right now, is going to college and even that feels like it’s not enough. I’ve struggled with thoughts about death and suicide since I was 13 and the only person that knows about it is my boyfriend. He’s dealt with similar issues. One day I told him I was feeling suicidal and he told me that “Instead of talking about it, I actually tried to do it.” It’s a lot for me to try and, likely a waste, to explain the sources of my feelings because it’s numerous. Nobody cares, yet everyone acts like they do. Sometimes i wish I would die-just get into an accident and cease to exist. | self.SuicideWatch |
I don’t love myself anymore I used to love myself. I used to just go with the flow and not worry. Now everyday a cloud is in my brain, even when I think I’m happy I’m not enjoying anything to it’s full potential. I constantly think about death and how I don’t deserve certain aspects of life. I have friends and family that love me but I don’t love myself. Tonight I’ll fall asleep and when I wake up I’ll go with the flow but things are different. I’ve changed. I try to be my old self but I don’t know who I am. I wish I was 15 where I never even had a small spark of disinterest in life. Depression has made me a better man but it’s ruining me. I drink and smoke more than ever. I hang out with friends and they don’t notice but it’s there, everyday it’s there. | self.depression |
Suicide is selfish? According to my dad, thanks made me feel a lot better about my depression and suicidal thoughts. | self.depression |
i clearly didn't deserve sympathy this is going to get downvoted into oblivion because i posted it. i asked for sympathy earlier. i didnt get any. i asked for help dying. i got called an attention whore. i called to be saved. no one answered.
nothing works.
so please, pm me the quickest and best ways to die. alternatively, tell me where to get a gun | self.SuicideWatch |
Anyone taking vistaril (hyproxyzine pamoate)? What were your experiences? I was prescribed Vistaril (hydroxyzine pamoate) a month or so ago for insomnia (and anxiety). I am currently taking 900mg of lithium (450mg in am, 450 in pm) and 125mg of lamictal daily.
So far, I have only taken 25mg once a week at night to sleep because it seems to really knock me out and i can still feel the effet the next time - kind of sluggish/zombie-like which isn't fun but the relaxation is very pleasant.
Does anyone else feel this had very strong effects? Or has my body just not gotten used to it as I take it so rarely? | self.bipolar |
Not exactly suicidal I don’t want to kill myself, but I think about it every single day. Really just one method where I shoot myself in the head. Its not even the dying part that makes it so appealing to me though. Thinking about a bullet ripping through my head just kind of gives me this satisfying feeling like a bunch of pressure was just released. And like sure being dead would make everything easier, but I love my wife and I love my dog and I love my friends and I love living life so I don’t want to die. I just want to blow my brains out when the pressure inside my head builds up I guess.
I also feel incredibly stupid for feeling this way since I really have no reason to. I don’t even have depression or anything. I just want to kill myself I guess. I have for probably ten or so years, but the urge has gotten stronger and more consistent in recent years. The only real fear I have is if I were to ever own a gun of my own, I fear I would actually end up doing it if I got an extra strong urge.
I’m sorry if I’m posting in the wrong place since I don’t actually have depression. I just wanted to tell someone, but I can’t really tell anyone irl since I would almost certainly lose my job if it did.
Thank you for your time. | self.depression |
I’m obsessing over death I keep thinking “I want to die” and “I’m a worthless piece of shit” and “I will always disappoint those who care about me”. The thoughts are becoming obsessive and it’s driving me crazy and I feel a little bit of my soul die every time I hear them. I say them to myself aloud. I’ve caught myself saying them at work under my breath so often it’s become a mantra.
This time last year I was seeking help for my depression for the first time. I had spent so long resisting the idea of seeing a doctor, because then they’d diagnose me as “depressed” and I’d have that label forever. At the same time, I fantasized about medication being the magical cure-all for my diseased mind. It hasn’t been. In fact, I never even considered suicide before I started medication.
I know how I’m going to do it. I’m going to get it right the first time. That way no one can stop me or god forbid pity me. There’s a parking garage in my city that has public access and it’s over 80’ tall. I’ll fall head first and make sure I hit pavement, that way my brain will be destroyed first. My brain is what is making me so miserable in the first place.
I’m not sure yet when I’m going to do it yet. Maybe during the holidays, when I’ll be alone with no one to distract me from it. | self.SuicideWatch |
someone answer... just really need someone to talk to, if someone could pm me and chat it would mean the world. Thank you. | self.SuicideWatch |
Lonely, lonely, lonely My 'friends' are hanging out without me yet again, haven't seen them in about two weeks even though they literally live a minute away because I don't want to keep being the one asking, people I'm trying to date keep ghosting me, I'm shrinking into myself and I'm not even mad about it, I guess it's easier when you're alone. I thought things were looking up but here I am down here at rock bottom as always | self.depression |
Unemployed graduate – feeling tired and ashamed of my life Sorry for the wall of text. I'm just in a bad place at the moment and need to vent.
Depression has derailed my 'life plans' and motivation for the last five years or so (though I think it was brewing up for a long time before that). I dropped out of university, after sticking it out for a year, in 2014, because my depression was so bad that I couldn't get out of bed and spent most of my days crying, eating and sleeping.
I moved home, got a part-time job in retail and eventually decided that I would finish my degree through the Open University so that initial year at uni wasn't totally wasted. I finally completed my degree this summer.
Before and after graduating, I have been searching for work. No luck. I must have applied for hundreds of jobs, and I have been to two interviews, but I haven't got anywhere. Most of the time my job applications seems go out into the aether and I hear nothing back. As every day goes by, my mood gets worse. I'm now at the point again where I don't want to get out of bed, and I cry a lot.
I have a first-class degree and lots of work experience on my CV. Throughout my part-time degree studies I've worked in retail, done unpaid internships in the field I want to go into (copywriting, content writing, editorial roles, PR – that kind of thing) and built up my own portfolio of freelance work, including some for impressive clients. I just feel like I'm exhausted now, as I've tried so hard to keep my depression at bay by keeping myself busy, but now that my degree's done with, everything has stagnated. I feel crap all the time, have no motivation and have started drinking a lot every evening. I know that I can get a job in retail again if I want to – which I'm considering doing just to get me out of the house more – but the last time I did it, it was completely soul-destroying and made my depression worse. Being treated like crap by customers doesn't really help your psyche.
I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and will never be able to move out of my parents' house and feel like a 'proper' adult. I have been picking up freelance work to keep me going financially, but I don't earn enough to be able to move out, because unfortunately rental prices (even flat share prices) in my area are so high. I'd say a good 90% of my work is done from home, too, so I feel extremely isolated just being stuck working from my bedroom/living room all day, and then hanging out there all evening.
I've been shutting myself off from a lot of people because I feel ashamed of my life. I'm tired of being introduced to friends of friends and having to explain that I don't 'do' anything and that I still live with my parents. It's embarrassing. I feel so small.
Anyway, Christmas is coming up, and I'm really dreading it. I'm going to be seeing lots of family and friends who I haven't seen for a while. I'm really struggling to not compare myself to my friends, all of whom finished uni and went straight into full-time employment. Am I ridiculous for wanting to shut myself off from them all, just because I don't want to have to explain my current life situation? I feel like we're at completely different levels right now, as they're all thriving and I'm... flailing, still living with my parents without a proper job. | self.depression |
I’m so sensitive. Small things set me off. I have friends and family. But when I see my friends with other people, I get kind of jealous and sad. Or when my friend said “criticizes” me a little, I get anxious about what I do wrong. When people don’t talk to me because they’re busy, I get lonely.
It’s so stupid. I have no reason to be sad, anxious, or lonely. I cry for stupid reasons like being left alone in the dark or when my friends don’t talk to me.
I use to be okay with being alone, but now I hate myself for not being ok... :( I know my friends and family have their own life, but I am so needy. Why do I feel this way?
It’s dumb because I can be happy one moment and then it disappears just like that. | self.depression |
Just looking for advice Hey People of Reddit,
I don't know if Im actually depressed, but I may be depressed at times and I feel like I could do so much with life but I can't.
Quick list of my issues :
First off the weed/hash issue.
Im addicted to this shit. I don't do it socially I do it at home at my computer mostly because im a big computer tech geek person. I get high and enjoy my time alone just doing nothing but shit..the thc makes nothing great.
weed is my biggest life killer...I skipped high school so much in my life and had crazy allergies and always felt sick so I kind of fucked up my education only to realise in my mid 20s that Im allergic to weed and it makes me have a runny nose the next day and itchy eyes and I have asthma so I breath badly when i smoke a lot in the next couple days and get bloated and just feel so shitty.. so that fucked with my education..im 28 now. I think it fucked my social life too and Iv know this for a couple years and I don't wanna smoke but i just cant stop I hate myself its a real addiction. It makes me not wanna hang with people or go in public due to paranoid thoughts. It fucks up my motivation and ambition and i just work in a call center ( which im a top seller at ) but its such a low income and low ambition job.
I don't have many friends and I honestly hate a lot of people , in my experience I don't meet or attract cool people at all.
I have a gf and shes so cool and so like me..shes a little bit of a problem drinker and weve been together for 3 years and have had our ups and downs.
Im a 5'11 wide guy with muscles..I should weigh 200 but i weigh 250 and its a drag and im self conscious about my tummy even if it isnt huge but its still a fat tummy. I have issues with my knees and back ( ashritis since im 15 and medication doesnt really help much anymore ).
I used to play hockey a lot and with the boys we would go out and shit it was a good way of having friends who are men in my life but since the past 3 years iv torn my groin ( sports hernia ) twice which will have you not doing sports for about a year every time you tear it. Hockey was my life and its fucking gone and I feel like it will tear again.
On top of that i sweat a lot...even when i was 210 lbs I was sweating a lot..mostly my back and my head so my hair gets drenched walking a couple blocks and then my back sweats and it drips down into my boxers and i just gotta wear black cloths or if i sit on my ass theyll be a sweat stain.. its a huge thing in my life and it affects me very much in a lot of situations, lets just say im the only guy at work with a fan and I overheat very easily a lot..even in -20 weather if i walk like 3 blocks ill get home sweaty and im just always like wtf...imagine in +20 weather how bad it can be..I wear the same shirt and cloths almost everyday that dry up quick and are dark colors...
My gf is great she doesnt mind the sweat she is a special girl, im surprised i even have a gf like wtf. altho she has issues similiar to me i can understand how we are in eachothers life still...having a girl in ur life can be great and can also be the shittiest thing ever but once you go there you never can go back to being single.
I don't know im just looking for words of wisdom and advice maybe,..I know i don't have it as bad as some people here.. I have a good family but i avoid them...i don't rly like my dad but hes in my life and my parents divorced when i was 1 year old I think...he cheated on her and tried to fuck with her during my childhood and all kinds of fucked up shit...
Im def stuck in my comfort bubble. All I wanna do is either become an actor ( fuck theyll stop the scene and be like can you not sweat sir during the scene ) or become a rapper/sound designer but that shit involves connecting with people who just never seem interested and everyone wants to do their own thing nowadays and I feel i need a mentor for this so its hard.
I could go on and I feel i can't even explain the real issues in my life in this post.
Any advice/words of wisdom?
| self.depression |
i tried to kill myself and now idk where to stay at night | self.SuicideWatch |
I can't do this anymore I'm already depressed, but having to wake up every day to go to work for no reason other than to pay bills to do this all over again is pushing me towards the edge.
I don't want to live, but at the same time I also have to work to get by and keep a roof over my head. It's so stupid, I just want this whole cycle to end. | self.SuicideWatch |
Zoloft Help! I started Zoloft (very apprehensively and new to medication). Anyway, was eased into and currently at 200mg/day. Based on everything I’ve read on Reddit and web is saying that it’s is a very high dose, be cautious etc.... so now I’m worried about this... anyone out there ever been on this dose and or know much about it? When I said to my Doc that it sounded high his exact words were, “it’s really not that high of a dose.”
Sounds like everyone reacts to Zoloft differently so not sure what to think at the moment... ugh | self.Anxiety |
Existential Questions Okay I saw a video the other day about the size of earth compared to other planets and stuff and since then I have been thinking about how little I know about the universe and how much it freaks me out. I am afraid I might go crazy thinking about all that .. Any help ? | self.Anxiety |
Social Security Disability Hearing Date I finally got a date for my hearing (April).
Anybody provide any insight on what to expect and any other advice for the hearing ?
Getting stressed and nervous even with having legal representation. Just not sure what to expect at hearing and afterwards. | self.bipolar |
Anxiety Attack w/o any thoughts? How are you supposed to deal with anxiety/panic attacks that don’t have any thoughts, its just a crippling panic mode that you can’t quite explain | self.Anxiety |
You hit me. You shoved me to the ground, over and over as I begged you to stop. And it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come over. I just made things so much worse. But you were so drunk and alone and I was worried you would hurt yourself. I didn’t consider you would hurt me.
I have bruises forming on my legs and arms from where you hit me last night, and grabbed me. Probably not as hard as you could have, but hard enough. Why? Why did you have to hit me? Why did you need to shove me? You’re a foot taller than me, and have at least 60lbs on me. Did you need to take it to that level, to physically hurt me?
I was just worried about you. I’m still so worried about you. I never meant to make you so angry, I just wanted to keep you from doing something stupid. I love you, and you’re my best friend. This doesn’t change that, but I just don’t understand. When are you going to get help? When are you going to go to therapy? You need it more than I do at this point, and I’m the one actually going.
I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that this has shaken me up as much as it has. I had dreams all night that you were still hurting me. I’m so tired today. This is my fault, I instigated it by coming over. I instigated it by doing the things I do. But I’m so confused how to feel. No one has ever laid their hands on me that much. Not even my first ex.
I’m just sad and I don’t want you to be angry with me. I just want you to get help. I love you. This is all fucked, but I love you, so fucking much. This isn’t you. I know it’s not. | self.offmychest |
Scared to take antidepressants On Feb. 20th I have an appointment with my family doctor. We will be discussing whether or not I should start taking anxiety medication. Lately I have been experiencing intense anxiety and ultimately apathy. As a result I have been doing horrible in my University classes and will likely need to drop several of them.
My psychologist and my parents are trying to convince me that I should take antidepressants to help with this issue. The problem is that the potential side effects terrify me. The sexual disfunction in particular is what scares me. I'm a 19 year old guy and I really really really don't want that this early in my life.
Anyway, i'm just wondering if you guys think I am overreacting and that I should stop being a coward and give the meds a chance. | self.Anxiety |
I’m a fucking mess. I can’t even start to exercise. I have Home gym that recently found out was essentially a hunk of metal shit (thanks r/fitness) so I looked at the gym, can’t afford it. How about body weight workouts? Too fat. I just ended up in bed punching myself in the face until all the aggression wore off (it still hasn’t so I’ll probably get a few more digs in before I go to sleep). I want to be healthy, I want something to help me through this depression but apparently I’m too much of a piece of shit to even just do that. Don’t deserve to be healthy anyway. | self.depression |
Packed & Served Morning .......
Evening......
Goodnight.......
Packed and served we are, every morning , every night
Packed and served we are, do we look up do we smilie.
Packed and served we are, who’s on my left who’s on my right.
Packed and served we are, we are like chickens in a pen with no wire.
Packed and served we are, a bigger school with our own alarm bells, we still rush, where’s the fire ?
Packed and served we are, we are happy to march aimlessly with a pre-designed fate
Packed and served we are, more money in our hands and on our heads than in our banks
Packed and served we are, half of us wake with regret while the top half wake and give “Thanks”
Packed and served we are are.....
| self.offmychest |
I can’t cope any more Hi all, I’m 23 and I currently work in care and I have been working this job for around 8 months now. In the beginning I was so excited to start my job and to learn new things, but I care for a woman who has leaning disabilities and dementia, and I can’t cope any more.
I know it is not the woman’s fault, and I try to be understanding, but working with her causes me such immense stress that I cry almost every time I come home from work because I’m so relieved. I get intrusive thoughts about harming myself so I don’t have to go to work; it’s exhausting being in the same room as this woman because she talks relentlessly to me, usually about things she’s already said throughout the day, and it’s driving me insane.
I spoke to my manager around 3 months in to the job about how I find it difficult to work with her, and I was cut off with, “Watch what you’re saying because this woman has disabilities.” I mean, I didn’t say anything negative about the woman, only that I found it difficult to work with her. Since then I have been scared to talk to my managers because if they’re not brushing off my concerns they’re asking me to cover other shifts. I can’t take it.
I moved away from my family to be with my boyfriend and to get this job because I’d heard it was a great opportunity. I was so wrong. The job is a nightmare, and it has only gotten worse after moving back closer to my family and friends as it now takes me 2 hours to commute. I have to get up at 6am, get to work for half 8, work 13.5 hours before getting home at 12am. I let my managers know I’d be moving in August (moved September 30th) and absolutely nothing has been done about fixing my rota. It costs me £300ish a month to pay for travel to get here.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I am so depressed and anxious, and to top it off I’m also diabetic and struggling to keep my blood sugars below 20. I feel broken. I feel disrespected and not listened to; I do not feel that my work values the effort I’m putting in to get here.
The only relief I get is when I get home and I can crawl into my boyfriend’s arms and pretend that I’ve been there forever. He is a saint to be putting up with my constant negativity. It annoys me how negative and tired I am, I can’t imagine how he must feel. He is truly wonderful, and I can’t express to him how much it means to me that he is so supportive.
But I just can’t do this any more. I hate my job, but the thing I hate even more is that I’m getting crushed and once they’ve squeezed all they can out of me I’ll just end up leaving and they’ll get away with throwing my mental health down the shitter.
If you got this far, thanks for reading. | self.offmychest |
Suicidal thoughts. I'm currently up at 2:13am writing this post, everyone around me is asleep. I live on the third floor (Ground, 1st, 2nd, 3rd) and the only thing that's stopping me from opening my window and sitting on the edge is the thought, "Maybe I won't die. Maybe I'll be found shivering in the morning, concussed and/or severely injured and my family will find me."
I get these thoughts from time to time, and I don't know what I can do about it, because I know I shouldn't be having these thoughts.. but I don't know how to not think like this.
Life just feels way too hard to even be worth it. It's like almost every single aspect of living requires effort. Getting out of bed, even just opening your eyes in the morning, it all needs me to put in conscious thought into it. Eating breakfast, every single bite, needs effort. It's like everybody has a set amount of energy each day that they can put into things they do, and I either run out after a couple of hours or don't do enough. I spend most of my time browsing Reddit, talking to people etc because that's what requires the least effort. I physically can't give out any more because that's what I'm doing trying to do the things everyday that everybody else does in terms of *fucking surviving*. I feel tired everyday, and I don't go to sleep because I just feel a direct intent to not sleep and instead do *anything that isn't sleeping* (I don't think I have a sleeping disorder, because when I eventually do want to sleep I sleep just fine). These things are often schoolwork (which stresses me out) or just school-related events with friends, and either way one or both of these things will be around for the next few months, until the end of May at least, after exams finish.
I always feel weird about talking about these sorts of things because whenever I start talking about something I never hit the points I want to. The same often happens with therapy sessions, where it gets to the point where I start talking about things but it gets more and more inaccurate as I go on and the answers I get back end up not helping me. | self.SuicideWatch |
Advice on crippling social anxiety my social anxiety and past trauma has left me unable to interact with people.
Recently I've noticed how isolated I've become in the past few months, but I noticed most of my stress comes from interacting with people(particularly men). Ive tried reaching out to friends and forcing myself to go to the store or out in public to work on the issue, but have had no luck. This has left me lonely and awkward which doesn't help the original problem.
Any advice on interacting with people without completely shutting down? | self.Anxiety |
Help with racing heart (23 year old male) Does anyone have tips for dealing with a high heart rate and pounding heart from anxiety? Ive had ekg and ecg done, blood work, everything comes back normal. Im just laying here playing video games with friends and my heart is pounding so fast, and im shaking a bit even tho im fairly distracted and enjoying myself. I also take 50 mg of metroprolol a day that is supposed to help with this. Its been racing since i was at work a few hours ago, i thought it would go away by now but it hasnt and i want to get to sleep. | self.Anxiety |
How do you get over depression due to your life? [deleted] | self.depression |
The meds seem to help already The past few years have been extremely difficult for me. I've had a lot of things happen to me that just destroyed me. After finally talking to my doctors after realizing that I can no longer handle my situation by myself, I was put on meds again. I've only had two doses but I have been in a really content and happy mood. Im still dealing with a lot. Even considered moving back home to a different state. I know this will be a pretty uphill battle to manage and deal with a lot of the stuff I've bottled up through my life.
Today would've been my parents 62nd wedding anniversary. Both are gone now. Usually dates that are about my parents make me really anxious,sad, moody. But today, I've come to the realization that they would want me to be happy. They are no longer in pain. They lived good lives and thats enough for me. I'm looking forward to the next chapters of my life. My birth mom moving here to help me and for her to start a new life. For me to show her everything about why I like it here. For her to meet the love of my life and for her to spend time with my kid. To living with her again. To date my boyfriend the way we should've dated when we started but there was a lot that prevented it. To just learn to be a happy person. | self.depression |
A thank you to the man who made me realise I was toxic. It's been months since he left me, I cried and cried for days and still sometimes cry. I finally recently deleted him and everything we was and contact .
When he dumped me he told me I was obsessive , stalker ish, and crazy and not a good girlfriend . I was completely heartbroken and refused to believe I was this bad person, but he was right I was.
I was overly clingy , wanting his constant attention and getting angry like crazy angry if he didn't reply .
I was jealous and untrustworthy and would question his every move, I'd go crazy if he wanted to drink a night with his buddies .
And I was obsessive and I truly was toxic I guilt tripped him into loving me and being with me when he constantly tried to dump me.
So thank you , because I want to be a better human and partner , and you truly made me realise all my mistakes and I can't wait to be a better person and future girlfriend to someone . | self.offmychest |
I don't know if its depression when no one listens to me and they I ask what I said I feel like no one cares about me.i feel so upset at that point that I don't repeat what I had said and I just silently walk to my room just as I silently cry my feelings out. no one knows I feel this way some people I seem cold while others think I'm funny and my siblings think I'm a freak. it hurts most when its them because their family and them picking on me is the most frustrating. when it hurts the most, I usually cry feeling sorry for myself in my sleep quietly.my religion is the only thing stopping me from goin any further-honestly I wish all this would just stop. | self.depression |
I don't want anxiety to ruin my wedding day [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
How do I explain or discuss my mental illness to my loved ones? Hi, my name is Rose and for the last 8 years I've struggled with mental illness. I'll just summarize for the sake of time, but I've been diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety. I've been through psych wards, various medications, and several therapists. Last year I was sexually assaulted by someone I loved more than life itself and was then diagnosed with PTSD and developed trust issues. There are so many things and people in my life that have left me broken, but I'm glad to say that at 20 years old, I finally feel stable. I don't self harm, idealize suicide, or self destruct anymore. I got a job where I'm working to build my dream career in, I'm getting close to finishing my first degree, and even though my love life isn't where I want it, I'm young and have time. Most importantly, I now love and respect myself and I have family and friends who love and support me. While I don't struggle actively with my mental illness, I still have bad days when stress builds up. How do I explain my unusual behavior without upsetting anyone? | self.bipolar |
My wife started to give a guy I just met (her co-worker) a back massage. TL:DR – Wife introduced me to her co-worker who is having marital issues. Called him her “work husband” went to a gathering of her co-workers who were having a casino outing. They all were drinking and I was the DD. Wife started giving this guy a back massage in front of me while he was sitting at a table.
Three days ago, I stopped by my wife’s work for business reasons. I walk into the business and am greeted by the valet guy. I go into her work to drop off a box of items and she is there. As I am leaving she asks to walk me out. She introduces me to all the staff and then introduces me to this valet guy. She jokingly stated that he is her “work husband” as they get along well and whatnot. I thought nothing of it because whatever. I leave to go back to my work.
Fast forward to last night. Her co-workers wanted to throw together a little gathering at a casino/hotel. We were not staying as we had to work today. Valet guy was there. They were all drinking and I was the DD for my wife. Everyone was taking shots and drinking beer. I was lounging around. They all decided to go to the pool and hot tub area. Wife didn’t tell me to bring a swim suit or anything for that matter since we were not planning on staying. The group goes to the outside hot tub. It’s about 19 degrees out. I stay in the inside pool area while they all go into the hot tub and continue drinking. 30 minutes go by. Hot tub takes its toll on one of the friends and pukes. Yay.
They all decide to go back to the rooms to change and take more shots/drink. After another 20 minutes we all make our way down to the casino. Everyone is doing their own thing until we hear one of her friends cheer. Someone was winning a good amount. We all gathered around the table to watch what events were unfolding.
Now, this is where the issue happens. I am by no means a jealous person. I let my wife go and do whatever she wants. She is a grown ass woman. She also lets me do whatever I want. No trust issues or anything. Until this moment.
As we are standing there. She walks up to where this Valet guy is sitting. I am standing next to her. She places her hand on his shoulder then proceeds to give him a back massage. I looked at her with what I could only assume is an angry look. She then looked at me and mouthed “what?”…. I mouthed back “what the fuck are you doing?” very quietly. She gave me a look as if she wasn’t doing anything wrong. I mouthed back saying “stop that shit”. To which she did.
On the drive home, I voiced my concerns about the entire interaction. Come to find out, the guy has been talking to her about his marital issues. She has been talking him through it. She told me that she randomly gives massages to him and another co-worker who is a woman. I told her that it was inappropriate and that I could not believe she thinks it would be ok to start giving this guy, who I met only two days prior, whom she calls her “work husband”, a massage. I told her that I find the whole situation disturbing due to the fact that she has this type of relationship with him. She said she honestly didn’t think about it and that is not what she was intending. I told her that she is more than likely leading this guy on and due to him having “marital” issues could cause other problems. I also said that she doesn’t offer me any type of massages at home which is probably the main reason I got mad. Some random fuck that I barely know gets a back massage from my wife and I don’t at home.
I was not happy in the least. She apologized and said she would never do it again. She then stated that she felt very nauseous. I told her that she deserved that feeling.
I did not expect to still feel angry today. I felt I spoke my feelings calmly and explained that it was unprofessional and unacceptable behavior. I did not yell at all. I did tell her I was pissed off and have the right to be so. Five years and I never had any trust issues with her what so ever up until this Valet “Work Husband” shows up.
I may be reading way too far into this but I needed to type this story out and hear opinions of random internet people. Helps process.
| self.offmychest |
Any teachers here that can tell us about their experiences in a class? I really want to become a teacher but I'm afraid (ironic) my anxiety will be a big wall preventing me from performing well.
Any stories? | self.Anxiety |
Life crisis at 18 years old I feel like because of my anxiety I’ve missed out on so many things that other people my age experienced and now there’s no more time for me to be care free and just live life to the fullest.I have responsibilities now and even though I finally want to LIVE I think it may be too late.All of my teenage years so far have been a blur,I’ve just stood by,watching others have fun while I did nothing.Theres nothing I can do to get those years back now.All there is left now is work(and the career and basically only option that is available to me isn’t something I enjoy and will only make me more miserable) until I die | self.Anxiety |
Recently had a problem with my heart and blood pressure, now i can't smoke which was one of the last things that i really enjoyed I was falling asleep peacefully, and suddenly i felt huge pain in my heart. I couldn't inhale any air because it would hurt even more. I kept breathing slowly and eventually it got better. I didn't really do anything about i, so i just kept sleeping. Couple minutes later i almost fainted instead of falling asleep. I felt that my hands, face and legs are numb and cold. Oh boy, my body had a panic attack and my blood pressure was huge. 3 days later i still feel that something is not right. My heart beats are very heavy.
I can't smoke cigarettes any more, because i suspect they might worsen my situation. Yet that was the only thing that i loved to do.
Fuck. I fail so much in life. | self.depression |
The mental pain is so intense I can't even fall asleep. There's just no way to stop it, I don't have the answers, I just fucking feel so low, so inferior, just what the fuck happened... how did it come to this, how the hell did it come to this, god is disproven, the universe doesn't give a shit, and I realize that truth. I just don't know what the fuck reason there is for going on. | self.SuicideWatch |
I do not get it. Why the fuck do we grow up from ages like 5 - 21 and then realize that it's all downhill from 21? It seems to be a common saying. So we're put into this world to realize that once we hit 21 we're going to suffer for another 50-60 fucking years until we just drop dead. What is the appeal of that???????????? Who the fuck thought life was a good idea? My childhood was my best times and now I'm no way in hell suffering for that many years to come fuck no, I will take the hard route out. Life is the stupidest form of reality possible, honestly. | self.depression |
5 seconds away from taking my car and jumping off freedom bridge I have a history of procrastination, but up until my senior year of high school, my smarts allowed me to coast through classes. I never learned hardwork, and that year I got into drugs in an attempt to learn how to be social.
I was expelled that year. And I had to really work in order to graduate anyways. My parents went through hell during all of this, just so I could get to college...
and throw it all away. I got there, and for maybe a month I worked consistently. Until I subtlely went to less...and less...and less. I had such a huge hole of work in some of my classes. I wound up failing CS and Calculus this semester, and I passed Seminar in Composition and my Political Science class by the skin of my teeth.
But I kept telling my parents everything was fine. And now I'm back. And if they know I failed this semester, everything is over. I can't go to college to see the friends I didn't have in high school, I can't continue my career without a college degree, let alone with only one semester. I can't live with my parents, or the shame.
I have more classes I'm signed up for, but does it even fucking matter? My heart is pounding in my chest, and none of the drugs I used are here in the house for me to force myself to ignore this.
I just want to fucking die right now, and as more time passes, I'm running out of reasons to live. I don't want to be a flunky. But I don't think I have a choice.
In my house, there's a knife. There's a car, there's rope, the only thing thats stopping myself is me. I almost threw myself out my dorm window, and I stopped myself. I wish I hadn't. | self.SuicideWatch |
Writing letters I'm done writing my letters. I've been posting on here for awhile. Look at my history. I'm killing myself tonight. | self.SuicideWatch |
I just don’t care anymore I don’t care about anything. I don’t eat, I hardly sleep, I almost never leave the house. I just don’t see the point to anything anymore. I want to be done | self.Anxiety |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.