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I've always been unhappy and wanted to be opposite sex Posted on this /r/sexuality and I want to post it here since this subreddit is more active.
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I am a male and I'm 19, I go to college. I have never been happy and content in my life, severe depression that's been on for 4+ years is one of the root causes. Depressed because I have no intimate interactions with females, who I am absolutely attracted to. Three ago I started experiencing thoughts that I would truly find happiness if I were born a female and I don't really know how I find solute in that thought - maybe because of my limited experience with women, but I do not know for sure.
I lost my virginity after two days of my 18th birthday to a hooker and I didn't even get to finish. I've only hooked up with one girl when I was 17 and that included only making out and that was it, apart from those two experiences I have other sexual experience whatsoever.
I need some help to understand my own self and why I feel this way, maybe it's because I need to get more experience with women? (Which is another problem.)
Reddit please help | self.depression |
Surviving suicide attempt Quick question, has anyone survived a suicide attempt before? If so, did you never feel the same way you did before your attempt? I survived a suicide attempt in a forest about a month ago via overdose on oxy, seroquil, melatonin and liquor. Still wondering if im just emotionally recovering or not. I also overdosed on MDMA about 2 weeks ago and feel even more dead. Who can relate? When you feel dead inside, does it stay that way forever ??? | self.SuicideWatch |
Best jobs for someone with social phobia I've been unemployed for about 6 months now. I need to get a job. I just sit at home all day and it's probably not good for me.
I've always had a hard time finding jobs. I'm very picky about it. I have black and white thinking about it, if one thing makes me uncomfortable, I will only focus on that one thing and I will hate it and won't do it. I have an intense fear of judgement, criticism, and making mistakes. My thought process and actions basically revolve around these fears and it makes things, especially jobs, very difficult.
What part time jobs would be good for someone who has social phobia and hates people? | self.Anxiety |
Tell me this a dream I was talking to my boyfriend and I was about to say something but instead I burped the loudest burp.... It was so embarrassing I didn't see it coming. I had no control and now he's convinced somethings wrong with my insides. This isn't the first time this has happened.... | self.offmychest |
Hey need advice. Ultra quick story: i was looking at YouTube video compilation of people getting mad at employees of fast food restaurants and there was this about 40 year old black lady that yelled: 'You stupid mexicans!' and it got to me because that is my race. Now, How do i stop feeling annoyed by that comment? Thank you. | self.depression |
Including people in manic plans Do you ever make plans while manic and include other people? Being super enthusiastic and convincing how great the plan is and then a few days or weeks later be completely in panic because it suddenly becomes a horrible idea and there is no way out without dissapointing people...
I’m a people pleaser and hate dissapointing people and this happens to me all the time. It sucks! I hate this and keep doing it over and over!
Sorry for the rant, had to get this off my chest to someone who understand. | self.bipolar |
Great, so nobody gives a shit about me anymore. [deleted] | self.depression |
I Feel Like I Made a Horrible Mistake I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time, but have always felt like I had it “under control.” For about three years, I had been working at a job that I didn’t hate but I didn’t love. It had stressful moments and was a retail chain that was becoming increasingly corporate. I was becoming disillusioned and my depression was increasing.
In November, I left that job for a small, independent store. I was told that it would be more easy-going, less stress, more comfortable. It seemed like the perfect opportunity.
I’ve now been at the new job for two months and I hate it. I dread everyday. I have to wake up hours early and convince myself to get out of bed and go to work. My depressive thoughts are constant and I am frequently close to meltdowns at work. The job is incredibly stressful, I have three bosses who contradict and don’t understand my job, so they try to tell me how to do it incorrectly. Any small mistake is the end of the world.
I just feel like I made a horrible mistake and now I don’t know what to do. Some days it takes all my energy to just put pants on and get out the door, let alone look professional and presentable. I find myself trying to think of excuses or lies of being sick or hurt to try to get out of work. I just feel lost, stuck, and sad. | self.depression |
The pill bottle in my hand: Orange. Ironically light. Unexpectedly cheap.
$3.19 to turn my life about. The magic of insurance someone else pays for. The deceit of hoping it does not reveal its name to him. Rumplestiltskin on a pharmaceutical
statement.
My unloved first name looms large under “fluoxetine.” My family name an anchor and threat after it. My identity strangely absent.
But this is fair. I feel as though through the rungs of appointments I have climbed the past month, I am condensed to a small story entirely devoid of myself.
Yes, I can trace it back. Yes, some family history. Yes, some emotional abuse. Alcohol? Only social (a falsehood). Drugs? Never (a fact.) Yes yes yes no no yes.
Why am I here? Because people have told me to be. Because I can’t fail this year. Because I can’t fail this life. Because I hate myself because I have no reason to because things should be easy and they aren’t. “Nothing feels good. And then it does. And then it doesn’t.” A decade of discomfort and missteps and hurt all condensed to significant points on a continuum. People are not simply timelines. The story hurts less to tell with practice. I cry only three tears the last time. That damn right eye, always the first to show my shaking hand.
I don’t want to do this. I do want to do this. I don’t want to do this. I can’t. I can. I can’t. I have to. I can’t. I will make a decision in the morning. Not making the decision will be a decision too. I will not sleep. I have the pills. I will not sleep.
Will I brazenly display the bottle in the counter? A sardonic reminder of a newly established ritual I want nothing close to public? Will he comment when he stays the night? No, but of course he won’t. He will think quietly nothing of it and I will continue the jokes. And he will be lovely. And every friend will be lovely. And when my mother comes, quietly will it sojourn into the drawer.
I should probably take one tomorrow.
| self.offmychest |
Forgot to stop taking antidepressant course, took it for 16 more days. Shall I take it today, before seeing doc I was prescribed to take antidepressants for 6 months. I messed up the time line, and just realized today that course got completed 16 days ago, but I kept taking the meds.
Its late night here, I am not sure if I should take the med today, or not. I will check with my doctor in the morning. But I am confused about what to do right now....
Its my first time taking such med. Any ideas, how to handle such situation. | self.depression |
Does anyone feel the same? I wish i was never born. I wish that another person was born instead of me - someone that’s pretty, smart, confident and talented. I feel sorry for my family that I was born instead of this person. I fantasise about going back in time and stopping my parents from meeting (some back to the future shit right here) so I wouldn’t have to be born. Plus my parents are miserable together so i’d be doing them a favour so they could find someone better for them.
I dream of the possibility that I could swap bodies with a terminally ill person who really wants to live. My soul would go into their dying body and their soul would go into my healthy body. I recognise the value of life and how it can be beautiful for some people. But at the same time, I don’t think living is for everyone.
Relate to any of this crazy thoughts? Please let me know. | self.depression |
Paralyzing anxiety I’ve always heard of fight or flight. But what about freezing up? Like I just get so overwhelmed that I completely just sit in a frozen state. I basically have always done this in moments of very stressful times.
I’m going through a lot right now, and all I’ve done today is sit in my room staring at nothing. I feel extremely defeated in life, and I just want everything to end. | self.Anxiety |
Has anyone here taken a gap year in college? There’s a TLDR don’t worry.
I don’t hate school, but people tell me college is supposed to be this place where you are motivated because you are working on a subject you like. I’m a freshman electrical engineering major and am currently a few classes ahead of my peers because of AP classes. But I often find myself questioning if I even want to peruse this path. I didn’t take the science classes and math classes to get ahead or save money or any of that shit. I just wanted to learn advanced stuff. Nothing more.
When people ask me what I want to do for a living of course I answer engineering. But in the back of my mind it’s really “nothing that can make me money” one side of me feels that I shouldn’t let money dictate what I want to do and the other side says to shut up and be realistic. Ive been thinking about taking some time off and getting a job, maturing more after my second semester, but I don’t even know if that’s a good idea.
Ugh, this whole “choose what you want to do for the rest of you life” thing is bull shit. I wish learning was a job. I wish that I had a passion for something that can actually make money. I don’t think I’ll hate engineering I wanna make that clear but I can’t say for certain that I’ll love it, or even particularly enjoy it. I feel like it’ll end up being just ‘work’ you know? Which I can make peace with. To be honest I just want to work for money anyway. I’m not looking for a fairy tail or anything. But I don’t want that work to make me miserable you know?
I just reread this and this post is really scattered....hehe sorry bout that
TLDR, I find myself thinking “do I really want to do this?” in terms of my career goals and I just wanna know if taking some time to get to know myself is a good idea.
| self.offmychest |
A little disappointed but trying to be hopeful. Hi.
I applied to the last job I’ve found in my area a few days ago, and I called today to follow up and the employee told me that the manager wasn’t in today.
I will call back tomorrow obviously, but I really wanted to just get it all out today and I’m feeling so much anxiety, because after a lot of mental preparation to call... it didn’t quite go the way I would’ve liked.
I know it’s not a flat out “no”, but I can’t help but be anxious about it all.
I desperately need a job and I’m sure others do also, so I’m trying not to complain.
I’m about to cry because I’ve truly tried so hard and I’m exhausted. I barely made it through the year? So I’m really counting on getting this job.
It is difficult to get work in part because, I don’t have many connections due to living very privately. Everyone knows someone here and I guess I don’t know the right people or I’m not close enough to anyone.
If I talk to someone they tend to say I’m the type of person they wouldn’t have expected to have any problems like this. But the truth is I’ve just gotten really good at hiding my conditions.
I’m just very shaky right now so... any comments would help I think. | self.Anxiety |
Unemployed neighbor needs help while I'm also struggling I had just graduated from university in mid 2017 and have been on the job hunt since. There are student loans that need to be paid, but after countless rejections from employers, my self-esteem and confidence are crumbled. My days mostly consisted of drinking, running errands and chores, and moping around the house. I felt a lack of direction and a community to go back to. In an attempt to save myself from sinking into self-loathing, I decided to take my parents' advice on applying for a position at a warehouse my uncle works at. I would be handling packages. My uncle gives me the word that he'll introduce me in prior to working.
So my uncle schedules a day for us to meet. All the while, my mom's co-worker is seeking employment for her husband. They live in our neighborhood at some place, but I've never met them before. She sets us both up to go meet with my uncle.
On the morning we met, I realize that the neighbors are an aged couple -- in their 50's or 60's. The man and I shook hands, and then we get in his car. He appears nervous, and asks if I know how to drive. I do. I asked him if he knows the address of the warehouse we're going to. He doesn't. I offered to drive, and we take my car instead. On the way there, I realize that his English is very limited. He mostly speaks Vietnamese, but he does his best to hold up a conversation. We get to the warehouse, meet with my uncle, but then realize that we need to fill out an online application and wait for a call. So then we drive back home. On the way, he asks to help him with the application process. I agree, and then I ask him about his resume. He doesn't have one, nor does he know how to write a resume. I ask him if he knows how to use a computer. He doesn't know how to use a computer neither.
So we arrive back, and he treats me out to a restaurant. Then we come back to my parent's place and I craft together a resume and an email address for him. I sent out applications to the warehouse for us both, but for the questionnaire portion of my neighbor's application, I pushed him to at least learn to use the mouse on the computer. It would be a great start. He struggles at first to align the cursor at the intended spot on the screen, but overtime, he gets it. After the applications are done, we shake hands, and he leaves.
The following week, I get a call from the hiring manager. I would eventually get the job. The week after, my mom gets a call from her co-worker. It turns out that our neighbor is still waiting on that call. He is now asking me to help him fill out a different application for another warehouse, and quite frankly, I had applied there myself and had received a call from its recruiter. I agree to help. So he comes over again, I collect his info, and relayed them to the application. We submit it, and then he leaves.
Weeks pass, and I haven't seen nor hear from him. One night, the neighbor's wife drops by and gifts us dinner. My mom is thankful, and to reciprocate, she asks me to drop them off flowers. She tells me that half-way through the block, I can hand the flowers off to the husband. So I do that, and then I ask my neighbor about receiving any calls from either warehouses. He hasn't heard from either of the two. I try my best to reassure him that he will receive a call by the following week, and then we part.
Weeks pass again. The neighbor calls me on Christmas evening. He wanted to wish me a merry Christmas. I thank him. He asks me if I'm already working, I told him yes. He mumbles around some things I'm not able to make out, and then we hang up. It doesn't seem like he's gotten a call from either warehouses. I get the feeling that he's still looking for me to help him find employment. He calls again on New Year's morning, but I decided not to pick up. He sends a text to wish a happy new year. We have not met since I handed him the flowers, and to be honest, I'm beginning to dread hearing from him. I also feel bad for turning a blind eye.
I'm at a lost with how to help him. I feel I did all I could do, and while at the same time, I'm still in the process of finding actual employment for myself. I get it; being at home all the time with nothing to do, week after week, takes a toll on identity and self-confidence. You more-so began to feel as if you merely exist as opposed to living life, and there becomes a gradual feeling of incapability with functioning. Bills and financial insecurity become issues... I'm sure there is more to him and his story than what meets the eye, but bottom line: I want to see him employed, but there is not much I can do to help him.
If there is some light in this, it would be my realization that things can be harder for others. Having my first actual work experience at a warehouse is a blessing that not everybody can have; knowing how to speak and write English, utilizing a computer, and having a roof over my head provided by parents.
I guess things could be worse. Thank you for reading. I really needed to get this off my chest. | self.offmychest |
Getting Cold Feet Before Move Well, I am in a really excellent position to move to another country with my long term girlfriend. I love her. I love her more than anyone I've known before - she has strength where I am weak, she keeps me sharp, I help her where she is weak. Although recently the process to move has been complicated by the government we are working with to reside there.
Now I'm feeling cold feet on the whole thing. All the time it feels like she is nagging me to do this and do that for the move. My perception of the interactions is that she wants me to do so much and yet just complains and is always too tired to go out or do anything.
I understand her job is tiring and mentally taxing but she's so beat up at the end of every day we barely do anything anymore. I go out from time to time but she doesn't really like to come or do any of the things I'm into. Smrh thanks for reading. | self.offmychest |
I hate meds I'm on medication for my brain fog, which happens to be meds for bipolar, since taking it I have become tremendously violent, making me shake so much I can'hold anything, taking one tires me out completely, taking two knocks me out and changes pitch of sound and makes everything blurry, I'm supposed to take 3 a day, for a period of six months, I've been using my first prescription for three months now, I'm afraid of what will happen if follow as prescribed. I think thats a sign I was never bipolar, the drugs made me bipolar, can't even trust a (sorry) fucking doctor! | self.depression |
"Friends" My bestfriend started ignoring me. What I find funny is that if I decided to commit suicide, which is completely possible at this point, they would be the one saying "only if he had talked to me", "he had so much to live for" etc...
Isn't it fucking ironic?? When you need help the most people tend to get fed up and just assume you are being lazy or looking for attention | self.depression |
I finally found someone And she's where I was 8 months ago, which is far from being in a good place to start dating again. Fuck. FUCKKKKK!!!! I'm so into this girl that it's driving me crazy! She just wants to sleep together, but I can't do that shit anymore! I want something real now. It's a cruel fucking joke that the girls I fall for are always broken. Dammit, I'm so pathetic. | self.offmychest |
My mother told me something today about my childhood and I am still processing it [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I'm a parent and I can't stand the news. Every time I hear of kids being abused and kids dying it literally shatters my heart in a million pieces. Of course nobody likes hearing it but it affects me so much I'll cry for weeks and have non stop nightmares. I don't know what to do about it. I can't get away from it, if its not online its on tv and if I avoid both of those things its my coworkers at work or even just walking down the street. I've practiced meditation and have tried so many things to get it off my mind but it always comes back. Just yesterday a 4 year old boy was killed as a pedestrian in my very small town so of course nobody will stop talking about it. I just feel so....hopeless. I hug my baby so tight but I always feel like I'm one wrong step away from losing him. And I also cry for all the children that have no one who cares for them like that and feel endlessly guilty. Sigh. Just had to get it off my chest because saying it out loud seems so crazy. | self.offmychest |
I dont know if I have depression, can you help me? Not really sure where to start with this but I need some help as I feel like I may be depressed. I feel like I dont have any reason to be depressed though.. I have a wonderful girlfriend, I have a great social life and friends, I travel a lot, I have a caring family and yet I still dont feel as happy as I should be. I dont want to sound ungrateful as I am very appreciative of my surroundings, but I cant help but sometimes feel its not enough? I constantly find joy in things such as going to music gigs and festivals, doing fun activities with my girlfriend and we recently got a tiny kitten which I love with all my heart.. I should be happier but the happiness is very short term. Like I enjoy things as they're happening but when it's over I'm always feeling down, it's like temporary short-term joy and I need to find something else to distract me from being sad. Can anybody help me figure myself out? | self.depression |
Does anyone have any idea what happened to me last night? I’ve suffered from severe chronic anxiety for most of my life, so anxiety attacks are nothing new. But last night something different happened that I’ll try to explain, but it was unlike anything that’s ever happened to me. I’ll try my best to explain this but... ya I dunno here goes: I woke up in the middle of the night to this feeling of complete fragile emptiness, like part of my soul had been removed. And stark abject fear. I wasn’t necessarily afraid of anything, but everything seemed horrifying. I went to the bathroom and I felt horribly disgusted by the act of peeing. I browsed reddit to try and distract myself and everything on it seemed unreal and off and scary- like I was looking into a really weird warped funhouse mirror. My skin was kind of crawling and the emptiness was making me almost nauseous. I couldn’t take it anymore so I tried to go back to sleep but when I closed my eyes the feeling- the certainty that “this is what it feels like to die” was overwhelming and I had to wake my husband up to tell me I wasn’t in fact dying etc. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, and that empty fragile brittle physical feeling topped by fear like I’ve never known. I dunno. Does anyone have any idea what the hell that was all about?
(For the record I’ve been on Prozac for about two months now and it’s definitely changed my daily life, I don’t have chronic anxiety so long as I take my pill. I’m also seeing a psychologist but she says I’m doing great. I’m getting proper treatment and this thing that happened came out of left field and I’ve never experienced anything remotely close to it.) | self.Anxiety |
Stressed and Depressed. Hi, I am a long time lurker, but created an anonymous account to post. It's weird to me that only 8 months ago I was happy and engaged, but I had a series of unfortunate events and now I am depressed and feel alone.
8 months ago I tore a ligament in my knee, which lead me to losing my job because I couldn't walk. After a couple months of work I was low on cash and needed any job, so I started working at a coffee shop. I was only there for about 1 month before something horrible happened and resulted in me leaving the company. One day I when I removing one of the garbage bags, a random needle inside the bag stuck me. Due to this, I had to under go several months of blood tests. During this time more unfortunate events occurred which lead to me starting to become depressed. My grandpa died, and my other one got stomach cancer, which I was told that it is genetic and I should get checked out to see if I carry a gene for it. Fast forward approximately two months, and now its early November. My dog after eating an meal had a medical emergency called gastric distension and volvulus (his stomach torsioned). My fiancee and I went ahead got our dog the surgery, which cost roughly 5000 dollars. Two days after the surgery my fiancee left me because I apparently was always depressed. Sadly for me, I found out she started see a guy a day later, so I may have also been cheated on? Which I guess doesn't really matter.
Overall, I am broken and for my first time today was contemplating suicide. Honestly, I just don't really know what to do and don't feel I have the support to really care to go on.
tl;dr: Had a bunch of unfortunate events happen to me, got depressed, fiance left , and now I am suicidal. | self.depression |
How do you find support for your anxiety in a relationship without burdening your significant other or making them feel upset? | self.Anxiety |
I am going to kill myself this day next year. Today is my birthday, and I feel crushingly lonely. I turned 20 today. I'm scared of growing up. I miss my ex more than anything. I've never met anyone who has loved me. I hate myself. I can't like myself. I never had. I'm just done with everything. I miss being happy. I was happy enough before I got a girlfriend, and when I got one, i've never been more happy. It finally felt like someone cared about me. Then she broke up with me six months ago. And I still feel fucking broken about it. My life has been a neverending downward spiral since. I miss the feeling that someone cares about me. More than anything. If I can't find someone who can love me within the next year, I'll kill myself. I can't handle the lonliness. | self.SuicideWatch |
Hypersexuality I was diagnosed with bipolar unspecified at 13, and I'm a young adult now. I didn't actually find out about my diagnosis until last year because my parents worked really hard to conceal it from me. The most recent discovery has been learning that, believe it or not, I wasn't just a normal horny teenage boy. I have nearly crippling hypersexuality as a cute little side effect of my bipolar. I don't really want to turn this into a nsfw thread unless it can't be helped, but how do you ever cope with this? I'm a severe pornography addict to the point where I can't function if I don't get my daily fix (I have painful shaking fits and the like). It's been like this since I was 11. I'm not asking for medical advice or anything like that, I'm just curious if there is any hope for me. | self.bipolar |
Thinking about slitting my throat Right across the jugular. I still have no job and am living at home at 25. I quit my job of several years because it paid hardly nothing. $200 a week. I wanted to die on Christmas Eve. Wish I had gone through with it. | self.SuicideWatch |
failing at life I called in sick tomorrow.
Been crying constantly, feeling the lowest I've ever felt since I first got diagnosed...
I've been working as a housekeeper for less than a week, and I already know I'm going to quit. After looking around for a job for so long, I set myself up for failure, choosing to accept the first job that came along - one I knew I couldn't do...
I'm so low right now... I feel so stupid and worthless. Been depressed for months and this is just another kick when I'm down...
I wish I could see light at the end of this tunnel. Everyone else keeps telling me over and over, "just stick with it, it gets easier." Does it? | self.SuicideWatch |
The logical conclusion Apparently, America doesn't like their black people. They don't seem to like anyone except people of European descent, but blacks are the most consistently shit on. I'm not sure who "they" are but "they" are determined to get blacks out of this country, one way or another.
I don't think this is all because of superiority. It's a similar attitude to employers who pay little while hoarding profits, religions that seek to destroy the ones that inspired their own or invaders that steal what isn't theirs then turn around and claim it was always meant for them. I'm not sure what this is, I've never felt it for myself. It's a need to get rid of those that helped you succeed. Ambition carried out to its logical conclusion. | self.offmychest |
Tired of people saying: “20__ is the worst year ever” Honestly it’s just becoming an annoying meme at this point. Everywhere I go on the Internet when it comes to posts, videos and discussions, I see the same thing every December/January.
> “Wow wasn’t this year like the absolute worst?”
But now I see it happening throughout the whole year lately. I am not oblivious with the things going on around the world or in my life, but it’s becoming more annoying that people just look to the worst of things. It’s almost equivalent to people making self-deprecating humor about themselves, it’s not helpful and isn’t beneficial. I just find it frustrating that people ignore or take less notice to the good in life.
It must be a human thing to always identify the negatives over the positives, but I won’t resort to naming every year the worst year of all time. I hope people this year and with the forthcoming years ahead look into the good of their lives and not resort to negativity. | self.offmychest |
Lamictal & Insomnia I was stable at 250 mg for a while. Latuda too at 40 mg. After a series of awful episodes, doc bumped me up to 400 mg. Now I can't sleep at night. I'm not particularly tired the next day either. Will it just take time for my brain chemistry to normalize? I hope this is temporary. Anyone else with similar experience on Lamictal? | self.bipolar |
Inner observer Some days I’m fine. Some days I come into work and it’s like my awareness and hyper vigilance is turned up. I hear what I’m saying and it sounds weird. My words don’t come out right. It feels generally weird to be human. I feel awkward in my skin. Its a feeling of surreality & too aware of my existence like I’m an observer of me.
What the fuck is this and how do I get out of that weird surreal state and snap back into ~ just being ~ without over analyzing everything? | self.Anxiety |
The guy I am seeing is a TERRIBLE KISSER [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Advice on how to help someone planning suicide? Hi there everyone, I'm a moderator for a small IO game (https://hordes.io) and just 30 minutes or so ago one of the players of this game messaged me over Discord telling me that another player had told him that he plans to kill himself tonight.
How do I go about helping this person that I don't know very well, without pushing them in the wrong decision?
(And let it be known that the person who told me also does not know this suicidal person very well)
(And one last thing, the only current way for me to contact this person would be through Discord) | self.SuicideWatch |
PEACEFUL JACK - Need feedback on my writing PEACEFUL JACK
"I wasn't always an entirely peaceful person…", says peaceful Jack lighting up a cigarette. He earned the title thanks to his calm and steady nature. "I used to have my demons chasing me. And for a long time, I was on the run... from myself. Always running, hands flailing, yelling at anyone who comes close to get out of the way or they might hurt themselves. Those who didn't listen, got thrown away by the demons running shortly behind... It was a lonely and exhausting existence. One moment came, where I got tired. I stopped, turned around and said to my demons, 'Now hold on. Why are we even doing this? What are you going to achieve after you catch me? Drag me back to your little demon den and bring me home to your other demon friends? What then? What are you gonna do? torture me? kill me? nah, you can do anything you want, but you ain’t gonna kill me! Too much will to live... I'm tired, take me…and show me what you got!’. So they did. They chained me up in a little black cell. Cut off from society, cut off from family, being tortured ceaselessly by the demons. But they couldn't kill me. They did try their best though, I've got to give them credit for that. They were more resilient than I thought. Eventually tough, they got bored. Even demons are children in the end haha... their party music stopped, the dance around the fire stopped...all you could see were bored ass demons sitting on the ground drawing dicks in the mud with their ugly demon talons... the fire was down to glowing embers and a stream of smoke. That's when they decided to free me of my chains and asked me to hang out with them. I did, and by careful understanding and conversations with each of the demons, I charted out ways out of their misery, one by one. And I taught them how to meditate!" He says with a grin, releasing a cloud of smoke. "Once out of their misery, they were ugly, but peaceful creatures. Now they follow me wherever I go, lending me their strengths where needed, coz hey, even demons have strengths the angels don't! At other times, they rest in a peaceful garden I gave them.. complete with swings and slides and a ball pool!".
| self.offmychest |
On and Off I feel like it comes and goes, never coming consistently or in equal strengths, and there's nothing I can do about it. This year keeps on proving to be worse and worse and I keep finding myself when I need to talk to someone, but the people who will listen aren't reachable.
I think part of my problem is that I'm a 17 year old Junior worrying about college and whether or not I'll be able to make it to my dream college or making it to my dream job. Another part is that I'm always giving advice and talking to people, but they always ignore or disregard what I say even if they specifically ask me.
One last thing is the teenage dating scene. Everyone feels this way but I live in a more non gay friendly part of Texas and while I'm not gay I still like guys, and all the girls I like are either taken or they call me their gay best friend. The last time I asked a girl out she said yes, only to say yes to a douche bag (not saying she had to go with me I just don't like him) 5 minutes later.
I feel like all I do is give and I never get back. I'm not the most attractive, smart or personable but I feel like I'm an outcast. I wish I could talk to my friends but they mostly don't care about how I feel because we're mainly a gaming group and that's our main purpose, to have fun. Cut the drama bs and just be friends, which is fine, but I need to talk to someone. I've thought about dying which is all to easy for me to give myself too much insulin and not do anything to counter act it.
Just for some examples of things that happened this year that are shitty:
- 20 people confirmed coming to my birthday, 8 came
- I made this 3'x3' portrait of my friend and had almost nothing good to say bout it
- I have gained 30 pounds
- I got my first B in a class
- I've impulsively bought so much stuff because that's how I coped and I'm still paying it off
- I was cheated on
| self.depression |
PSA: Lithium and ibuprofen (advil) don't mix I've had constant headaches lately so I've been taking a lot of ibuprofen. Got my lithium level checked yesterday and it was 1.4 mmol/L. Over 1.5 is toxic, so that's uncomfortably close...
I knew you weren't supposed to take NSAIDs with lithium, but I'm not on a high dose (only 900 mg) so I thought it would be ok. Whoops.
At least now I know what's been making me feel like crap lately. Well, that and the soul-crushing depression.
| self.bipolar |
My mind is trying to find reasons for suicide Title says it. These days I've been much better as opposed to a few weeks ago, but whenever I'm doing nothing, I find myself occasionally finding reasons to kill myself. Is it common, this sort of withdrawal effect? Suicide just comes up now as a very casual thought, and it seems so convenient that it becomes tempting to just do it. | self.SuicideWatch |
I need someone to talk to I don't even know where to start honestly I am just making this to express my feelings and no one is even going to care but whatever. I am 17 years I live in the Netherlands and my life is good I have nothing to cry about and I still get all down I don't even know how to describe it. I just think way too much about my life and I feel depressed, I think I do but it's just another excuse to cry about my self because if I read this reddit alot of people have way worse things than me and I am here just talking some things and my life is good I don't know why I am doing this the only thing I want is someone to talk to I have been putting these feelings in me for a long time now and I have no one to talk to. I have friends, good friends but I just can't talk about it I feel like I am dumb I don't even know just like on here no one is going to care. I feel alone I just want someone to talk to and that actually gives a shit about me. I get stressed from my school because I have bad grades I try to get good grades and I still fail that puts even more pressure on me because if I fail this year what is going to happen to me my parents tried everything I am on a private school they pay so much money for and I still fail because I am dumb and worthless. I have had suicidal thoughts but I really don't want to end my life because the only thing it's going to do is make my parents cry and feel bad for the rest of their lives and they don't deserve that and for my friends, I don't know I hope they care. I doubt everything, my friends if they care about me or not and if I am even worth being their friend I don't know. This is just what was on my mind and I just can't hold everything inside of me not telling anyone for the rest of my life I hope someone cares.
| self.depression |
Its just wonderful scrolling past the wave of happy birthdays to other people on your own birthday. I share a birthday with 2 other people in my year and today my facebook feed has just been post after post of happy birthday messages sent to those two people. I even know the people that are wishing them happy birthday, and know they scrolled past my name to wish someone else happy birthday.
I know facebook in itself is a terrible tool to measure social things; you're comparing someone elses highlight reel to your entire life, and i usually tune out most of the shit on facebook. But it just gets to me when people you know directly ignore you to wish someone else happy birthday. Its just kinda sad. | self.depression |
Been suicidal lately.. apparently, that is when I help others the most. This morning I'm watching a 5-year-old autistic boy while his battered mother is in the hospital and his dad is in jail for assaulting the mom. They were my neighbors.
3 or 4 days ago I gave shelter and shoes to a homeless man when it was raining and only 40 degrees outside.
2 days ago I fed another homeless person.
I've been kinda suicidal lately.. So my sister reminded me of 5th grade when I would push a girl named Dorothy around my school in her wheelchair and help her with her class work.
I dunno... I can't stand seeing any more suffering in the world around me. I suffer enough as it is.. Honestly, I can't wait for this ride to be over most days.. I have a low opinion of humanity. I just do whatever I can with what I have to make my surroundings less awful. | self.bipolar |
Hasn’t really sunk in what I tried to do to myself So I attempted twice in the last week, obviously failed, and it still hasn’t really registered the seriousness of what I tried to do. | self.SuicideWatch |
Ive had better weeks In the last week I've been hit by a car, sent to the hospital twice, kept in the hospital once against my will on suicide watch, Kicked out of the dorms, and forced to drop out of college.
I hope your guys' week was better than mine. | self.depression |
Main cause of teen anxiety and depression? I've noticed that on the news, whenever they have a segment about anxiety and depression among teens, they always claim that the main factora are cell phones, screen time, social media, etc. But they don't always mention factors such as school, isolation, uncertainty of the future, etc.
I have anxiety and I don't use social media and I don't spend lots of time on my phone, and I know quite a few who have anxiety who are just the same way.
So, I just wanted to know what you all think. :) | self.Anxiety |
Need advice to combat acute symptoms. I just enrolled did an intake for a mental health place. They said it would be 2-3 weeks before I get an appointment.
I am at the ends of the earth with my anxiety and need assistance now. I know they are going to help me with therapy and medication but I cant wait that long.
I have never taken anything like Xanax. But I am jumping out of my skin. Would my doctor help get a prescription to hold me over until my program starts?
Note that I have never been in this situation before, and do not really know what to do. I just want relief. I do not want a long term prescription for this. | self.Anxiety |
Trying so hard. I'm 41 and been struggling throughout my life to cope. Started meds at 14 and been on and off for years. After many severe depressive episodes, I thought my mania was gone. Boy was I wrong. So after almost destroying my family life, I started back on lithium. This time around the tremors turned to convulsions and even after starting on a low dose, my body just couldn't hang. So I had to stop.
And then..... I went into extreme mania again. So now I'm back on Depakote and hating every second.
This sucks. The real me is gone and now I feel like a sheep that is being molded into society's acceptance.
That's all. I feel horrible and miss me! | self.bipolar |
I'm depressed and too scared to tell anyone... I was depressed for a long long time when I was younger. I tried to kill myself, I self harmed, I didn't plan to live past highschool. I got much better after school with ADHD meds and support and work. I was really good. I got a boyfriend, I've been with him nearly 4 years and he never knew me when I was depressed. We are happy, planning a life together, everything is good.
But I've been out of school, I can't find work, I was taken off of my ADHD medication because my doctor dosnt think I need treatment if I'm not in school. I have fallen down a dark hole and have been depressed for a couple months.
I sleep all day and daydream of accidentally dying somehow. I am not in danger of commiting suicide, so I guess I don't feel like its very serious? I just feel so relaxed when I daydream about death. When I'm awake everything is hard. I have no motivation, I purposly starve myself for no reason, I don't do anything helpful, I just live off my parents.
But my boyfriend and only friend don't know. I work really hard to keep up a healthy face because he has never known me differently. I am his support for his anxiety and panic attacks, I can't falter or he suffers. I can't hurt him by telling him how alluring death is, he would feel so crushed and scared. No one wants to hear their loved one dreams of the void.
So, I keep my mask on, and act as happy as I can, I know how to easily enough. And sometimes I am happy, and it's easy. But I'm so, so tired. I am alone in my mind. I can't even sleep anymore.
I'm just really really tired of pretending nothing is wrong. | self.offmychest |
I want it done There is a chance that tomorrow(or today as clock is 2.34) is my last day alive(it wasn't, new limit set to next Friday) . If it isn't, then ill move it to Monday.
This text sounded so much more dramatic in my mind than it actually does.
I actually have nothing else to say.
Note:this isn't a call for help, if it was id have sent it to version of this community that takes that kind of stuff. This is simply the last page of my diary, or at least i hope it is.
Im really tired
Goodnight. | self.depression |
How can I overcome my deep fear/anxiety about physical pain? | self.Anxiety |
Anyone want to talk? I should propably just go to bed, its 1.30 am where I live but whatever, I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow with all the stuff I'll have to do. I feel empty, I wish there would be something that could make me happy. | self.depression |
It’s time to go. 10 years ago, I graduated from college in Pennsylvania, leaving behind my family (in the north east), a long term relationship, and everyone I had ever known. I was moving to SC to begin my adult life. 5 years ago, I left a job that I loved, a relationship that was going well, all of my friends, my church, and an excellent professional reputation. I was going to grad school to get my masters in OT, and my doctorate in PT.
I gave up my late 20s and early 30s to pursuit these degrees, and I promised myself that I would go work wherever the coolest job I could find was. Instead, I took a regular 9-5 doing outpatient orthopedics in the same town I graduated from. Didn’t even move. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy helping people. But this isn’t why I went back to school. I could have stayed in SC and done damn near exactly what I’m doing now...without $150,000 in tuition payments.
I have great friends here- some of the best I’ve ever made. I’m 32 and single, with no kids. I have nothing KEEPING me here. I’m restless and antsy for a change, but my friends keep telling me that I just graduated- to give myself some time to get back in the real world. There’s an itch that I can’t scratch here though- a desire to do something more with my life than work in a surgery center taking care of rotator cuff tears and ACL repairs. There’s nothing wrong with the work...but I feel I owe it to my patients to be 100% invested in their care, and while I would never half ass it, I definitely half-heart it.
The change I want is a big one. I feel like Denver, Colorado is calling my name. They have multiple settings similar to what I’m looking for, and it’s a massive change from Florida.
So here’s the “off my chest part”. I say all this stuff, and it’s totally true. But here’s the other truth- I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. It sucks, but it is what it is. I can’t force someone to feel the same way about me as I do about him. Yes, we’ve talked about it. He’s my best friend, and the love of my life, and I have a terrible feeling that I’m just running away from him. That said, I’m not sure it’s a bad thing or a good thing, or if it’s just a...thing thing. Another reason to get the hell out of this hurricane-ridden place. I never wanted to end up here. I just want to make sure I’m leaving everything, again, for the right reasons. | self.offmychest |
No motivation I have no motivation. I don’t know why. I’m on track for a distinction at college but I just can’t seem to make myself do any work.
I’ve done nothing for days, I’ve spent all day today lying down browsing reddit and flicking through boring YouTube videos which is what I’ve done all week.
I just don’t know what to do, why do I even care what happens | self.depression |
Its so awkward when your old friends hit you up again and ask you why dont you hang out with us anymore :( ? [deleted] | self.depression |
What are my options for prescriptions if i dont want to be on SSRIs? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
I won a game of solitaire. I still don't feel happy. Today I went home from class early because I just felt like I couldn't do it today I felt like my mind was spiraling out of control. I went to my grandmas thinking it would be better but it wasn't. All my friends are too busy to talk to me.
I told my grandpa I was going to go to Target to buy some cards, it's getting harder to district myself from my depression with just the internet. He said no since it was quite a walk. I'm not great at talking so when I walked away I could just tell everyone was laughing at me and the weird way I talk.
I sat on the floor in the hallway and cried. Pathetic, I know. My grandma was kind enough to find cards for me. But no one wanted to play with me, so there I was.
19 years old, playing solitaire while simultaneously crying. I finished the game but I didn't feel accomplished. I still felt lonely. | self.depression |
I think my marriage is ending, not sure what to do My wife and I met online about 10 years before we got married, I dated through different girls and she ended up getting married and moving to another country and eventually coming back. Later on, she and I were talking, and she flew out to visit me. Largely because of this, her husband divorced her, but they were already on the outs before, that was just the icing on the cake for him. Anyway, they got divorced and she came back to live with me (Tennessee) and quickly got pregnant.
After the baby, we got married. Shortly after that, she felt the need to be near her family (support network) so I said ok and we moved to California to be near her family. Little did I know, her family treats her like the red-headed stepchild. Her mother has watched our kids maybe 3 times ever, and always watches her cousins. Our son is autistic, so he's difficult, I get that, but if they don't visit us, she has to go to them anytime they want to see us, her sisters don't include her in anything they do, her dad will make plans and go do stuff with her sister, drive by our place to do it and never call her and stuff like that. She feels that if she mentions anything, she is starting trouble. I don't see how this is starting trouble, but not my family, so I am not getting into it, but they're definitely not a support network.
So my wife and I have been best friends at this point going on 18 years, and as a result, we shared passwords, always left everything open, we both use chrome and just switch to whoever's profile when we sit down, we both have our thumbs open both our phones, all this.
She delivers groceries for her work. After about a year and a half, she met another girl who did the same thing. This girl is very large and divorced and just says whatever is on her mind. They began texting, so much that it was disrupting family time. She would work until after the kids are in bed, then come home and sit on the couch texting constantly until she finally said she was tired then would go to bed. Rinse and repeat.
One day, I sat down at the computer and noticed a program was up that we use to get our texts on the desktop. It said something about "the idiot." So I read it. She had sent this girl over 20,000 messages in about 5 months, and she completely dogged me the whole time. This girl was talking shit about my daughter (previous relationship, she lives with her mother's family) whom she's never met and knows nothing about, was talking shit about me whom she's never met, and telling my wife how I could be expected to pay if we divorced and how she'd get custody because I am a simple hayseed who knows nothing about my son's condition, how sad it is that he has me for a dad, all sorts of horible shit.
The worst, though, I found where my wife had told her that she never loved me, we only got married because I knocked her up, I was a rebound from her ex and the only reason she hadn't left is because she couldn't stand to stay with her step-father at her mother's house. This completely fucked my world up, because she's all I had.
Now, we hadn't got along the best always, and we argue a lot, especially after that, but we never hit each other or anything of the sort. She cut off sex after we moved to California, sex one time in 4 years, although occasionally I would go down on her and she would give me a handjob. She wouldn't go down on me, because it's degrading.
I said I want a divorce, but I really would like to stay with her, I just don't know if I can trust her. She suggested therapy, so we went to therapy, and after telling the therapist what happened, my wife says that me being cold caused her to be so upset that she said these things and its normal venting, but the therapist wouldn't tell me that because I somehow manipulated her. Wife says that the only issue is me reading the texts, not that she sent them. Several times, she has said "I haven't talked to her, look" so I go look and see she's lying, she has talked to her, and she gets mad at me for looking and says technically they didn't talk, they texted.
I feel as if she had an emotional affair with this girl, even though she's not gay. She says that girl cares and listened and gave her advice on what to do, but she's not a lawyer so it doesn't matter and I need to just accept it and take on even more work at home than I do, maybe if I do that it will make her happy and she won't have to say things like that about me and we can actually be happy together. I don't know what to do.
I don't even know what I am saying here, just rambling. Fuck, I just don't see how she can't see that's crossing a line. She told her family that because I didn't like these conversations she was having with this girl and the extent that she was having them, that I was controlling her and not allowing her to have friends. Now her family thinks I am abusive in that way. I could give a shit if she has friends and talks to them all day, but if they're discussing her divorcing me and trying to take my kids away, I am not going to be ok with that. Am I wrong for thinking that? Now she just works and comes home and goes to bed.
Fuck. I am all over the place. | self.offmychest |
Day 2 So I have officially been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was taken off of 100mg of trazadone, 25mg of vistiril, and 60mg of cymbalta. I started 30mg of cymbalta and one tab of seroquel the first night and two the second night(last night). What was your experience on seroquel when you started? | self.bipolar |
Seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for anxiety, not sure what to expect I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow to try and talk to them about anxiety issues, I've been insanely anxious about it and I haven't been sure what to expect. I have a general idea of how the appointments play out but I have no clue how to bring up and talk about anxiety and go through my symptoms etc.
I'm worried I'm not gonna be able to say the right things or not be able to accurately describe what's been going on
Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing? Apologies if this post is all over the place.
EDIT: Thank you guys for the replies, this is just my first time seeing a psychiatrist for anything so I've been pretty nervous about everything but your replies have helped me a lot with relaxing and looking forward to the appointment. Thank you | self.Anxiety |
Killing myself soon (small post) My method is almost ready, I just need to finish the living will and kill myself. I will have everything done before this month ends.
I haven't done anything with my life and I am not planning to, but I am tired of being a burden to my family. I can't enjoy anything in life, may it be food, sexual pleasure, or entertaintment. I am useless and I would never get a job anyways due to schizophrenia, I have problems with my concentration, memory, and ability to understand concepts (80% of people with schizophrenia don't have a job). My brain is like the one of a 80 year old person even though I am 28.
I could spend a few more years wasting my time on the Internet but I am tired of doing that, I want to die AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I am not suffering in any way (emotionally or physically), it's just that I have decided I am going to kill myself no matter what, it's a matter of when. And now it's a good time.
I want to be released of this life and never exist again, I was born against my will. I am not sure why I post this because nothing will ever change my mind, I wish I could to my doctor and ask for a drug to die with instead of doing things this way but it's the only way I have. | self.SuicideWatch |
My therapist is going on vacation and I won't see her for 9 days I don't think I can survive those 9 days without any type of support. Seeing her twice a week is barely enough. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm going to snap one of these days, I just know it. Hopefully I'll kill myself. | self.SuicideWatch |
I have nothing left to give I'm tired of trying, all I want is to be happy. That's all I want. One day where I wake up and I'm not in agony, one day where I don't have to take all of my pain meds, one day where I have the energy to get through the day.
I just have nothing left to give, I don't have the energy or the mental capacity to keep going anymore. I'm just don't know how much longer I can keep going, I'm running on empty in every sense. I can't even take it day by day, it's hour by hour. Always trying to ignore the noise in my head, always trying to put on a front and look happy. I'm tired of it all now.
I'm just done.
ETA
I don't know if anyone will see this. But things have gotten worse. I've just found out partner, the love of my life has been cheating on me. I'm done. I'm checking out. | self.SuicideWatch |
Does anyone else have extreme anxiety/panic attacks as soon as they wake up? This seems quite weird to me. I’d expect to be the calmest right after I wake up, but that’s not the case. Even before I have time to think or construct my worries of the day, my body is already tense and my heart is racing. Panic and fear quickly ensue and it’s nearly impossible to fight them off. Due to this, my mornings are always the worst part of the day. Usually around noon I become calmer and more collected.
I’ve had extreme anxiety since I was 13, and in the past 4 years I’ve learned how to cope quite well on my own without medication or therapy. However, this is a new demon for me. I do not know how to fight it since it happens when I’m not even completely conscious yet, and by the time I am, my panic attack and irrational fears have already taken over. It’s quite miserable to say the least.
Does anyone else experience this? Does anyone know the cause of it?
Thank you and best wishes. | self.Anxiety |
My grandpa is slowly fading away and I don’t know how to handle it [deleted] | self.depression |
[NSFW] I'm going to a party and I don't want to see my ex and her huge tits Throwaway because I don't want my gf to see this.
I'm going to a party in about a month and my ex is going to be there. No problem.
But i've just seen the costume she's going to be wearing and is very revealing. I really loved her massive tits when we were together so I don't particularly want to be reminded about them. It's going to be a fucking challenge to converse with her and not look down.
It's bugging me because I know that it's a part of her that I find very attractive and it's just something I can't have anymore I guess.
Anyway thanks for listening. | self.offmychest |
Do any of you go into "auto-pilot"? I often go into what I call "auto-pilot". My mind goes blank and it feels like my body is moving on its own accord, and eventually I snap out of it, and everything goes back to normal. I almost hung myself in my closet during one of these episodes, but the belt was too short and the chair I had wasn't tall enough. I suddenly snapped out of it and just went to bed. Have any of you had similar episodes/experiences? | self.depression |
Could I get advice on this girl I’m into? We work together and I never thought I would have a chance. I found out she likes me and we are all over each other daily. It seems like it’s going so well, but I am so anxious and insecure.
I keep thinking that she just doesn’t know who I really am. I’ve never had a girlfriend and the whole concept is incredibly foreign to me. I really don’t want to come off too clingy.
Maybe I should take her on dates and see if it works itself out. I’m not going to just spew everything that’s on my mind, I need to remain strong and mysterious at least somewhat. She has anxiety too, so maybe she does understand.
I’ve been fine as a single man, dealing with my anxiety. I just get self conscious about never getting laid. Like it makes me less attractive.
Ok I think I got it all out there. Any advice is appreciated | self.Anxiety |
[LIFE CHANGING/ADVICE NEEDED] Panic Disorder from BLEACH-LACED Marijuana - Severe Anxiety won't leave. In January 2014, I suffered a serious panic attack from bleach-laced marijuana. I was 16. I am now 19 and I've been able to control panic attacks and I haven't had one in over a year - but here's the problem. I am EXTREMELY anxious and I am in slight denial about it. I unknowingly bite at the dead skin around my fingers to the point of them bleeding, I grind my teeth constantly, shake quite a bit and get seriously uncomfortable feelings of nervousness in my stomach.
My anxiety is perfectly tamed in many occasions, and I'm able to have fun conversations with friends and even laugh and be happy, but the reason I have no real friends is because of the unpredicability of when it hits. I become quiet, scared and my facial expression seriously drops. I become anti-social and as much as I want to tell my brain to lighten up, the feelings of darkness and sadness will not subside until they want to. Even in times like these, I have a side of me that knows these feelings aren't important and will be gone in a matter of minutes (maybe hours), but the biological processes in my brain will not allow this to happen.
I am extremely social, fairly fit, and I eat well. The event which occurred in 2014 caused all of this. The bleach ridden marijuana induced a severe pain in my chest and I couldn't breath. I could barely move and I wouldn't dare tell my parents about what had happened. So, because of this, in an inpenetrable state of [I am going to die. I am currently suffering and I will die shortly. With the slight chance that I don't die, my parents cannot know what I have done. I will sit my charges and wait until the pain goes away.]. I was convinced I was dead or I had had a semi-stroke, and I was in constant chest pain through the entire 4 hours, with my heart-rate sitting at a 200 bpm, either from the stress, nervousness or the effects of the potentially fatal "drug" I had taken. The effects of bleach when smoked provided me with an extremely negative psychoactive effect which, to put it lightly, think about the worst bad trip you've had on mushrooms and triple the intensity.
Needless to say, I need help recovering from this. I had a panic disorder the following year after the "event", panic attacks literally every two or three days, convinced I had some sort of heart problem (I did suffer heart palpatations - couldn't rule out a reason), lung problem or brain problem. To this day, the anxiety will not go away. I keep thinking I'm fixed up but my brain comes back and hits me with tremors and anxiousness.
What do you guys recommend I do to cope with this and how did it help with you guys (what was the situation you were in)? | self.Anxiety |
This monday I was; lied to, broken up with, and walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. Usually I don't ever get depressed enough to the point where I have to talk to the people on this page, but after having all this occur in one day, I just can't help but lie awake thinking about walking in on her. It has literally left an imprint in my mind, like a stain I can't wash away.
I've been up for at least two hours..... and I cannot stop thinking about that happening. I feel like the event is replaying in my head, and won't quit. :(
Hope all of your mondays were better than mine. | self.depression |
I don’t know what to do I don’t think anyone would miss me if I died. Maybe they would in the immediate aftermath, but in the long run I think everyone I know would be so much better off.
I had so much potential when I was younger and I’ve failed to live up to it.
I have one person who I think genuinely cares and I can’t count on them to always be available to help me because they have their own problems to worry about. They know I’ve been depressed and I have a history of self-harm but they have no idea how bad my mental state has gotten. I don’t know how to ask for help.
I’m so tired of fighting to get through every day.
I’m just so fucking tired. | self.SuicideWatch |
About to go to work, cried. I work through Thanksgiving and the weekend. Miserable. I hate this job, but then again, what job wouldn't I hate? I cried on the way here because the Beatles "Help" came on the radio. Daydreamed about draining my bank account and driving away somewhere to blow it all on food and alcohol before killing myself. That wouldn't happen, I can't leave my boyfriend behind, but it's cathartic to think about. The sunset looked nice. Time to start my shift. I hope you guys are surviving this weekend. | self.depression |
Does anyone want to discuss abandonment issues with former relationships? [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Is this what a psychiatrist's appointment supposed to be like? I was tired of feeling like shit and I decided to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and I swear it was probably the worst medical appointment I've ever had in my life. Like, how did this person graduate medical school with such awful clinical skills is beyond my comprehension.
When he asked me why I was there I began with saying that my psychologist had recommended that I see a psychiatrist because of how bad my anxiety and depression were and I needed extra help. He interrupted me in the middle of my sentence to say that he "wasn't a psychologist, but a psychiatrist", so I replied "yes, I know". Like what the hell? I was EXTREMELY confused by that interruption.
Then he went on to ask me a series of close-ended questions. "Are you feeling sad?, Are you having trouble sleeping?, Can you cry?" and so on. No questions asked about family history of depression or previous use of other medication. No open-ended questions either. No measurement of the severity of my depression. I walked out with a prescription for a TCA, which I am not going to take due to shitty side-effects.
Is this what a psychiatrist's appointment supposed to be like? I walked in with no expectations whatsoever but maybe I should have lowered them more so it's my fault - as if I wasn't pessimistic enough about life. | self.depression |
hypomanic irritability fucking with Halloween plans so like, I was planning to do a few ancestor ceremonies because tonight's Samhain and I'm so irritable / hypomanic I don't want to try to contact ancestors because i'm in such a weird bad agitated place and now I have to wait another year >:( | self.bipolar |
Suffering from anxiety without feeling anxious? This might be a dumb question, but is it possible to suffer from anxiety without feeling anxious? I've been having anxiety attacks about once a week or so, but I've had a constant tension headache for over a month now. | self.Anxiety |
125mg Lamictal Depression & Depersonalization Hey all,
I'm BP1 & ADHD. I take Lamictal and so far it has been amazing for me since 25mg. A couple weeks ago I was on 75mg and as usual it was really good; I upped my dosage to 100mg and I thought it was great for the first two days and all of a sudden I just felt empty. I know the type of person I am and how I act but lately I just don't feel like myself at this moment. It's hard for me to talk to people right now because I can't think of any responses and I end up saying anything that I think I would say.
I am supposed to up my dose every two weeks but I just wanted this feeling to go away so I upped to 125mg. (Don't worry I didn't get any symptoms of the rash) It feels like everything i've been feeling lately just went up a level so now I just feel like crying but I can't, when I am chilling & I play music it's just sad music.
My pdoc is away right now,I don't know what to do. I have a big party to go to tomorrow and I can't go like this. My pdoc said 150mg is supposed to be my therapeutic dose, a lot of people up by like 50mg every two weeks. I just want this to end and from the bottom of my heart I feel like 150mg would help me break through this.
Please help me out cause I don't know what to do guys.
Thanks
| self.bipolar |
I just hope you’re doing better than I am. It’s been four months since it happened and three months since I last saw you, but it hasn’t stopped hurting. Not even a little bit.
I keep thinking of the night you forced me to have sex with you, even if I repeatedly told you I didn’t want to, so you could feel “loved” - whatever that means. I keep getting nightmares about the times you hit me, but most especially that night you choked me and didn’t snap out of it even when I was bawling my eyes out begging for you to stop. It’s 7am and I can’t sleep because I just had a panic attack for the 4th time this week. I can’t take it anymore.
I don’t want to blame you, I really don’t. Maybe it was my fault that I stayed in the relationship in the first place? I don’t know. The thing is, I had a choice whether or not to stay in the relationship... and I decided to stay each time. And that was entirely my fault. But how can I not? You knew everything about me, and you knew exactly what to say or do to make me forgive you. I wish I could blame you, but everyone warned me, and I gave you the benefit of the doubt each time.
I can’t stop thinking about the times you called me a worthless toy, all the times you broke up with me because you were tired of making it work, and all the times you lied and cheated on me. It’s funny how I wasn’t allowed to complain about anything because I was scared of you. I never started any arguments because I was so scared of you and of losing you. I wasn’t allowed to go out with any of my friends, upload pictures on my social media accounts, and even talk to some of my friends. I followed each one of your requests because I was so scared. I wanted to show you that you could trust me - when did I ever lie/cheat on you, though? You had access to everything, and I was honest to you about every single thing that I felt. You were the only thing I had and you knew that. Of course I did everything I could to keep you. God, despite all the lies, I still trusted you wholeheartedly, didn’t I? Do you remember the times you compared my body to your past girls - like how small my boobs were compared to the girl you fucked? Or the times you called me ugly so I wouldn’t think I’m good enough? Now I look for reassurance in the form of likes, comments, and by the number of people who catcall me on a daily basis (which is fucking pathetic and disgusting). I’ve lost 10 pounds since our breakup because I’ve been starving myself - you thought I was too fat for you, remember?
I am a fucking mess because of everything that’s happened. You really opened my eyes on how horrible some people can be and I will never let anyone hurt me the way you did again. I don’t believe in love anymore. I can’t open up to people, I can’t talk about what happened to us with my friends, I can’t tell anyone anything anymore. I cry EVERY fucking night to sleep, blaming myself because there is so much I could’ve done that I didn’t do. I can’t commit to anything, to anyone. The thought of being in a relationship scares the fuck out of me. And you know the worst part? I’ve reduced myself to nothing but a worthless piece of trash that will never amount to anything, just like what you said. You were right.
I haven’t been hearing a lot of things about you, but people say that you’re perfectly fine and happy. Is it true? At least one of us is happy, I guess? Even after everything, I think you still deserve to be happy. Even if a huge part of me honestly doesn’t want you to be.
Everything fucking hurts. I am the worst version of myself right now, and this is all my fault. I could’ve ended it sooner. I could’ve spared myself the pain and trouble. I could’ve been happy.
Despite this, I hope you know that I will not pass the pain to anyone else - unlike what you did. No one deserves to be fucked over like this, and even I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. If there’s anything I learned from our relationship, it’s that no one deserves to be an outlet of anyone’s life frustrations.
I want to be angry, I want to blame you, but this is honestly all my fault. And I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to be angry at but myself. I am losing my mind in more ways than I could ever express, but god, even after everything, I just hope you’re doing better than I am. | self.offmychest |
I think tomorrow is the day. Hey r/depression.
I think tomorrow will be the day I commit suicide. I plan on dying by hypothermia/exposure. Tomorrow it will be in the 40's. I chose that day because I don't want to nearly die during below freezing temperatures, get frostbite, some well meaning person rescues me, then I have to deal with lost fingers or limbs. The human body will die by hypothermia if it gets below something like 84 degrees of something like that. Freezing temps would be unnecessary and uncomfortable.
I remember when I was young, maybe 3 or 4, we had this big snowstorm. Like 2 feet or something crazy like that. And my dad and I made this sort of snow fort. It was really just a snow hole but it was nice. I remember him going inside at some point, same with my mom, and I just laid in that snow-cubby. Very relaxed. And tired because it took a lot of effort to dig all that. So I took a nap. I felt very cold but then I felt warm. And it was such a great feeling. So....I don't know....comforting. I gave my mom a scare because she realized I was out there a while and called me back sort of frantically. I was fine, I got right up. But I remember thinking that her frantic tone was a bit odd and came to the conclusion that if I had stayed there, I would have died. That's probably not what would have happened because I was pretty bundled up but ever since, it's been an appealing way to go for me.
You know, I'm not mad at depression. Depression is just a diagnosis or a series of feelings. I'm depressed. I'm not mad it exists necessarily. I'm mad that not matter how hard I try, no matter what healthy or unhealthy coping mechanisms, behavioral changes, job changes, boyfriend changes, living arrangement changes, life changes I make, I never *really* feel any better.
I am not mad at other people not doing enough though it makes me feel disappointed and heart broken. I'm just mad at myself for not being strong enough to move to Norway where their healthcare is much better and their education is virtually free. I'm mad at myself for not being strong enough to pursue my ambitions. And I have a lot of ambitions. Sometimes I'd like to be a musician. Other times, I want to be an investor, other times I want to be a botanist. I can't pick one. I don't want to. Ultimately, I'd like to make the world a better place, make people happy, help the people of this sub, understand depression better and make breakthroughs there. Even make breakthroughs in the way we understand spirituality on a psychological and metaphysical level. I'm a spiritual person. I'm also a skeptic and believe in science. I think there is something else but I don't think it's something humans can fully understand yet.
Again, I have a lot of dreams. My whole life, I've wondered, "What will I be when I grow up?" Well, I'm still wondering that but I'm grown up now. I'm 25. I don't even have a bachelors degree, just two years, no associates, and a boatload of student loan debt. You know what I am angry at? The way our society is built. I wish I could change it.
All I want is to make the world a better place and make everyone in it at least a little happier. A little less stressed. But all I can do is waste time, remind myself of my wasted potential. Look in the mirror and see a shell of what I could be, even what I was.
I know now that I am simply not strong enough to achieve my dreams. I'm not even strong enough to tolerate even a little failure anymore. To do chores. To tolerate my boyfriend's personality quirks that really, aren't that bad, but are taxing for me in particular. It's not truly any one person's fault. It's mostly about me failing myself and the world and me feeling so ashamed and so pathetic.
I am so, so sorry I couldn't be the best person I could be.
Also, I love you so, so, SO much Joshua! You're the best baby brother in the world! I am so proud of the person you've become. You're a beautiful human and your sister loves you more than anyone else in the world. I am so sorry for doing what I am about to do and I hope that you can forgive me and move on and find a sweet girl to be with who will support your dreams. Please live your life to its fullest. For me.
Also, Mom and Dad it's not your fault. I think you guys did what you could. I love you both.
Good luck in life. Thanks for reading. | self.depression |
Currently anxious in a foreign country. Seeking advice to help calm myself down [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
'I have no friends.' That's what someone said to me. Someone that's out every fucking day, with her friends, posting it on social media while I stay at home thinking of killing myself to end this torture of having no friends and being ignored endlessly by everyone I know, staying inside 24/7, experiencing mental breakdowns almost every day. Yeah. I have no friends too. Lol | self.depression |
Nobody knows My fucking pain God where to start of. First and foremost I'm a veteran. Didn't go to war or anything did my time like a good little soldier. What do I get for my efforts? Two torn quads on both legs. So I basically had to learn how to walk all over again... Twice. After therapy I still can't run... Or walk to fast... Or have the power to climb steps with my right leg. I have to use my left going down steps I have to turn sideways like a turtle.. Smh sucks to be me. I have one kid that's autistic and another that just has an attitude problem. Since my injuries nobody not even my hair hat of a baby momma who cheats on me constantly doesn't give me any kind of damn respect in my own household. At times which is all the time I just want to disappear to never be heard from again. Nobody will miss me anyway to them all I am is a damn bank. Smh I've had enough of the disrespect. | self.offmychest |
trying to find happyness!? hey iv been so depressed over the last 10 years of my life,ever since iv started high school,im 24 now and the last 5 years was the worst,iv been realy seeking fo happyness now.that caused me to long for what is was like in my childhood,im always thinking the past was better,i was so happy as a kid,use to play all day,sports,until it got dark,i was so free,i even enjoyed going to school,but i dont know whats missing what is it?,pls dont tell me because theres responsibility now being a grown ect,,its not about that,im realy suffering badly,and i am on medication and seeinga theripist | self.depression |
My wife wants to leave me for another guy It hurts so much, especially because she helped me out of a deep depression when I met her 9 years ago. Now suicide thoughts are my only consolation. I have a plan I made already many years ago and I don't see any sense in my life. I don't even want to feel better, I just want to sleep and never wake up again. | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm not upset at the idea of dying anymore I have been suicidal in the past several times. And its always been a frightening, awful experience. And this time its different. Im not scared. Im resigned and its calming knowing I will die. I have my deadline (ha), and given how my entire life has gone im not wavering this time. Just want to share this unique change with someone. People in real life wouldn't care or understand, maybe someone here knows what i mean. | self.SuicideWatch |
Don't want to exist anymore Been fighting this for several years. Right now I just feel dead on the inside. My closest friend is struggling herself, after recent events in her life. I can't even help her. I know she likes having me around but I can't shake the thought that everyone would be better off without me. I feel so close to giving up. I have supportive parents which I'm grateful for, and a few friends but I'm feeling an extremely strong urge to isolate myself completely. They would all get on fine without me around making them sad. Honestly, I would go and end it all if it wasn't for my parents because that would destroy them. But I'm tired of living. I don't know what to do. | self.depression |
how to properly care for myself during a panic attack or give myself permission to use my medication? I have atypical depression that I take daily medication for. I was diagnosed in August and my overall quality of life has improved tenfold since then. I was also prescribed Xanax to use in the event of a panic attack, as strong anxiety is occasionally an unfortunate side effect of my depression.
I'm unfortunately experiencing great trepidation about ever using that medication on the rare instances that I really need to. I don't know exactly why this is, but I believe it may have something to do with the fact that I know it's an addictive substance and subsequently do not want to take it unless it's absolutely necessary. This is problematic because I don't really know when I've crossed that line from "this is bad but I can suck it up and work through it" to "taking medication is what I need to do". I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this phenomenon, or has any advice about determining when to utilize it?
I lost my boyfriend suddenly two and a half years ago in a very traumatic way, and have a lot of underlying fear about being left or losing people, which is what generally prompts these panic attacks. My current boyfriend is bearing the brunt of this, doesn't know how to help, and it just needs to stop. Any advice is greatly appreciated! | self.Anxiety |
New job related anxiety I start my new job on Tuesday, it’s only a part time retail job, in a company I’ve worked for a couple years ago before my anxiety really blew up. I went to the induction last week and came away feeling fairly overwhelmed and stressed out. I knew this day was coming and the last week I’ve felt stressed and worried but I can’t shake it. I don’t get it since I started at a new college, sports team etc without this much stress.
It just seems kinda ridiculous since I’ve been doing so well with my anxiety recently but I’m worried about managing my anxiety at work and having to deal with rude customers over the Christmas period. I guess I’m angry at myself in a way for letting it get to this stage but have been doing my best to de stress and stay mindful of my anxious thoughts (I have GAD), but would appreciate any advice or thoughts | self.Anxiety |
support system Many people keep suggesting build your support network. I don't know how one does that. I haven't even told anyone about my diagnosis yet. I do like my new therapist and psychiatrist so far but they aren't really available except for my appointments. I do miss the fact that my old counselor let me text her. I have been going to NAMI group but feel like even they don't understand a lot of the time as most people in the group do not have bipolar. My family has never been supportive and I don't really have any close friends that I trust sharing this with. So, what exactly does one mean by build your support system? How does one go about that? | self.bipolar |
Struggling with the move Myself and my partner have recently bought a property together - 30 miles away from my family and all my friends - 30 miles away from the place I’ve lived my whole life. I knew when buying the house it was going to be a big change for me- I think I just assumed that it would be ok and that I would manage, but I am finding it too difficult. We’ve moved to an area that he’s lived in for 7 years, an area that he knows well and has friends. Soon after moving we got a puppy - the puppy and going to work are the only reason I leave the house on my own. I know no one here, I don’t know the area and my anxiety makes it very difficult for me to seek out people to speak to. I’ve never felt so isolated.. and I don’t know what to do. | self.Anxiety |
Self-Care Sunday -- Post Your Plans Here I decided to have a designated self-care day every Sunday in 2018 as part of my NY's goals to do everything I can to be as healthy as possible and keep episodes at bay. If you are focusing on self-care today in any way, post about here.
I went to the grocery store and got food to stay on my keto diet for the week. I'll be making chili and roasted brussels sprouts later. Tonight I'll do body dry brushing, take a bubble bath, do a face mask, give myself a pedicure, use my fancy new body lotion, maybe do a hair treatment, and journal my goals for the week into my Sunday night goals journal.
How about you? What can you do to take care of yourself today? The smallest things count... | self.bipolar |
I don't know if you saw my post or not, and it's terrifying. Yours was vague enough to have been pretty much anyone, to be fair, but apparently that doesn't stop the nausea and the anxiety shits. Ugh. | self.offmychest |
I wish I was any other race but BLACK [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Relapse I recently was dumped and since then have tried not to self harm since then. One of the reasons I was dumped was because of my suicidal behaviour. I was okay for a little bit but in the past week I feel like I am more depressed then ever. Last night I got drunk and when I woke up I had cuts all over my arm. I hadn't cut myself in a month and a bit and I hate that I did it last night. The worst part is that I don't even remember doing it. | self.SuicideWatch |
I’m signing up to drive for Uber to get over my agoraphobia. Starting with Uber Eats so I can be alone and not have to see people. I will make money as well. This could be a great thing. | self.Anxiety |
And here I thought I was gonna get somewhere... what a joke I spent 5 years avoiding a psychiatrist even after I had a pcp threaten my mom and I that I needed to see someone or else there would be "consequences." I was still a kid, with no idea what my depression meant, and neither did my parents. They've always viewed it as a mental handicap and a danger to my future resume.
I was on break and feeling a bit better than usual. I decided this was going to be the time I finally put my foot down and do something about the depression.
Made a call to my pcp and got a list of psychiatrists to call and an option for zoloft.
I knew it was expensive but fuck... $629 for a check up... $329 for a follow up and $300+ for final diagnosis and prescription?.... Not even including the price of the actual medication or therapy sessions that might be a possibility. And insurance covers none of that. Therapy is a luxury. Living is a luxury. I get that the work a therapist and psychiatrist does is arduous and they deserve every penny... but god why do so many insurance companies just ignore depression.
I give up.
I feel so fucking stupid because a part of me knows that I can just call my insurance to see if they have ANY psychiatrists I can go to that they'll cover but everything feels hopeless and I'm doing that thing where I give up despite there being a sliver of chance. | self.depression |
Im a loser my mom killed herself by a noose, 2 years ago. This same time my dad stops talking to me. (he's my technical step-dad but hes the only thing I've had that's even close to a dad.). We haven't talked since she killed herself. 2 years ago is when it happened. I believe he stopped talking to me because he has no links to me anymore since she's been gone. He took/stole my car from me that I paid him 3000 bucks for.
He lives in Dallas Texas and I live in boulder CO, my girlfriends family are the only people that seem like they give half a fuck, but sometimes I feel like I'm isolated 24/7, and if I offed myself no-one except my brother and my girlfriend would care.
Don't care if any of u care, I just wanna get it out. Let me hear your shitty-life-stories. Do u guys wish someone would hack yourself with the sharp end of a pick-axe? If so, why? Don't feel like u have to 1-up the shitty life department, just curious. Thanks. | self.depression |
I hate the holidays My mom is a judgmental, uppity woman. She looks down her nose at my in-laws and is almost constantly judging them. Her body language speaks so loudly. It hurts my feelings so much and my wife’s too.
My in-laws are the sweetest, most generous people in the world. Yes, they have their idiosyncrasies and quirks. Who doesn’t? They are always late and slow to do Anything.But they are warm and loving.
My mom lives an hour away and doesn’t want to drive home in the dark. Fine. So we offer her to stay the night. She refuses for whatever her reason is and insists on an early dinner. Which doesn’t jive with my in-laws’ schedule.
And don’t even get me started on my fucking alcoholic, detached father. Haven’t talked to him since my son’s Baptism. | self.offmychest |
I tried to kill myself today Mostly just posting this because I feel like I have to talk about it.
I tried hanging myself today. It actually almost worked; I passed out, but the belt broke and I woke up with my arms and legs tingling from oxygen loss. When I got up I couldn't remember who I was at first. But when I came to I just kinda sat there. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel ashamed, I didn't really feel anything. I just sat there and held my belt for a little bit.
I don't really know what to do. Recently I've become so numb that I can barely feel anything. I keep thinking I should go to therapy, but I hate the idea that I need help to overcome my own problems. I know it's a stupid mentality, and that therapy will probably help, but I just hate having other people try to help. I can't help but feel like this is something I should be able to beat myself.
I kinda just wrote this because I felt like I had to talk about it. Thanks for reading, this subreddit seems really helpful. | self.SuicideWatch |
Can somebody help me with my hairstyle? I've been suffering from social anxiety for an extremely long time, and recently it's just gotten worse.
So bad that my hair has started falling out in just completely overwhelming amounts.. like I can't even touch it. I'm currently taking supplements that will help but for the meantime.. I have a bald spot on the top of head kind of towards the back.
It's not too huge but it is very noticeable and I was wondering if there's any way I can put my hair up or some way that I can hide the top?
I just don't want people at school to see it and make fun of me. (My hair goes just past my shoulder)
Thank you | self.Anxiety |
Can’t turn it off I can’t turn the thoughts off anymore. They’re with me wherever I go. I just want them to stop. I’m honestly losing it and I want to end it. I just hope my family is okay and my dog goes to a good home. Thank you all for always being so nice and helpful. Love to you all. | self.bipolar |
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