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Saw a duck die today, and I feel guilty I feel incredibly guilty that I didn't help the duck cross the road safely.
I was in a non-busy street that was shared between a grocery store and apartments. As I was turning right into the parking lot of the grocery store, I stopped because I noticed a duck, to my left, that was trying to cross the road. A car was coming out from the parking lot, and she stopped at first. I assumed she was stopping for the duck, so I just stood there, stopped, waiting for the duck to pass. But then this car started to accelerate slowly, and I was thinking... I should get out or honk so that the she can stop. Before you know it, I see her slowly run over over this duck, and I hear the duck just POP very slowly as her tires go over the duck. And then as she leaves, I see the remnants of the duck. It's completely flat and it's legs are shaking as it takes its last breath.
I feel so guilty. I had every moment to get out and help the duck cross the road. But I just stood there and assumed other cars would too. | self.offmychest |
when I turn 18 can anyone keep forcing me to be on these medications [deleted] | self.depression |
My depression financially ruins me. For the past several years, my only coping mechanism has been shopping and buying things. They’re the only pieces of temporary joy that I have nowadays. I’m currently on venlafaxine which helps stabilize my mood. However, I still feel joyless.
I don’t make a lot of money, but I live with family and do not have the cost of rent. I typically spend nearly 90% to 100% of my paycheck every two weeks on things that I think will give me a bit of happiness (makeup, pins, books, clothes, IAP for a few mobile games, toys, subscription boxes, collectibles, snacks, electronics, etc). I get just a short term boost by having new things to occupy myself with. And it makes me happy for just a while. But it financially ruins me in the long run. I have absolutely no savings because I constantly want new things to fill in that empty space. If I have an emergency, I wouldn’t be able to pay for it.
I’ve been having fights with my parents regarding my spending habits. They can’t understand how I go through thousands of dollars and can’t save anything up. They don’t believe in mental health, so my explanations on why I do this to myself fall on deaf ears. It’s come to the point of screaming matches and them throwing various things of mine away when I’m not at home.
I don’t want to do this to myself, but at the same time, I feel like I don’t plan on living long enough to need savings for retirement. I don’t want to be able to depend on these material things for happiness, but I just can’t find any other escape. I’ve tried various hobbies, but I lose interest in them after a while. I don’t have a lot of friends and I am not very social. I feel like this is the only thing I have. | self.depression |
Have you ever felt like you were born wrong? [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I have always struggled with worthless. Started taking prozac three weeks ago. Don't want to be me anymore. worthlessness* oops...
Ten years ago when I was 18 I dropped out of college and started drinking and doing drugs with my boyfriend who was an excon. We were very in love even though there was some domestic abuse. when we finally got some amount of stability we decided to start a family and i got pregnant but he soon lost his job and went back to jail. I had to make peace with my parents and beg them to take me in. They helped us get a place when he got out and I worked various jobs while he continued to drink a lot and occasionally be violent with me. A year ago last spring he went to jail again after a particularly violent episode and I moved back in with my parents and had the best year of my life.
My family and I got long fairly well and they helped me with my daughter. I got promoted at the Starbucks to a shift manager and I really enjoyed it. My coworkers were like family to me I was so happy to go to work. But my parents kept telling me I needed to go back to college. Then they said they were going to retire and move to florida and I had to either move with them and start going back to school or figure out something without them. I couldn't figure out a way to stay and I knew they were right that I should go back to school. That my hours weren't good hours for a mother. I moved with them and they put me in my own apartment across town so they wouldn't have to live with me and my daughter anymore.
I started going to the local state college, but I don't see any future for myself. I have no friends here. I miss my old friends. I miss last year when things were good and I worked full time at a job I loved.
I hate being me. I'm old and I have no discipline. I just want to sleep. I don't want to do my homework or see my family. I feel like I'm caught in a cycle. My mom used to hide away and avoid me and cry when I was a kid. Leave me to play by myself. Have mood swings.
She's the one who told me to try prozac. But all it does is take the edge off of it... I think. I feel calm but I know I have no future. I will never mature. I will never be a good mom. I will never find friends again even because I'm a complete mess. Everyone should stay away from me. I have nothing to give. | self.SuicideWatch |
Try and play it cool I didn’t think I’d find someone I like talking to so soon after ending my 3 year relationship. I was content to just date around and talk to as many new people as possible. But dammit if I didn’t meet someone who I just feel amazing chemistry with. I’m not getting my hopes too high or making more of what it is. I’m just happy that I’ve connected with someone. It feels like I’m finally moving on. Now I just need to do something I have not done in a really long time, or arguably ever. I have to play it cool... | self.offmychest |
I have been getting worse lately I don't even know any more I just can't it has been going on for atleest a month I wake up crying and go to school crying but at School I force a smile I want other people to know after school I go home crying again force myself a smile when I come home go to my room and start crying again and then I go to sleep crying I don't feel joy in anything and it has been getting worse lately I honestly don't think that I will last much longer | self.depression |
I keep getting told "this too shall pass" and it's really annoying me [deleted] | self.depression |
Super hard breakup. Feeling so completely alone. Medication doesn’t seem to work. Only thing that works is keeping myself busy. Help. I had a “mutual” breakup with my gf of 2 years. I’m 27 and she is 22. I thought with all my heart that she was the woman I’d marry. We talked about it often and I was so happy to finally find someone to love me for me.
About the time we started dating I got the job of my dreams and with that job came immense stress. I started to lose it for a while. And I leaned in her heavily to cope with every day.
She started to pull away from me. It killed me. She started to treat me like shit, ignore me and lie to me. I didn’t care I always forgave her. Then finally she stopped talking to me. After a week or so of that I finally told her I had enough and she said she felt the same way. She then proceeded to tell me she had to get herself right so we could be happy. She told me to do my thing until she got herself together and promised me she was going to come back to me and spend forever with me.
Stupid me. I bought into it. I supported the idea and said I’d do me while she got herself together. I had some rebounds with other women, completely horrible. I felt detached during the entire thing and was even more sad after it was over than I was before.
St first she texted me all the time and told me she loved me and missed me and hoped I was ok. Now I find myself texting her every couple of days to say I love her and miss her. She never says she misses me back but that she loves me too.
Every day I wake up I think about her. My depression has gotten so much worse. I’ve been trying to find the right medication with my doctor and therapist to help me and every time I think it’s working, I have a breakdown. Full on panic attack coupled with insane crying. It’s even happened at work.
She told me today thAt what she’s doing is none of my concern and that was the deal. She’s still treating me like shit. Even though I’ve stood by her though everything. Even when she didn’t want me or treated me like absolute shit.
I have good friends around me but feel like they all pity me and feel bad for me. I’m the only one of all of them that isn’t married or engaged.
I struggle to get up every morning. Stopped caring about brushing my teeth, taking showers or combing my hair.
I used to workout religiously but now I fight so hard to even walk in the gym. I’ve been working almost every day, cause that’s the only time (mostly) that I don’t think about her or why I still love her and hate myself. I told myself I needed to end it with her to be sane and becUse I deserved better. But I still dote after her.
I feel pathetic and weak. Just writing this makes me cry. I’ve battled with suicidal thoughts for the past eight months. I was going TJ therapy but had to stop because it was costing me $300/month not including all the bs visits to my doc to try and get my medication right.
All I want in life is to be loved the way I love someone. Have that love reciprocated. I feel ashamed because right now in my life, I have my dream job. A house. And everything I’ve tried to hard to achieve. Yet I’m wallowing in self pity.
In my work I see a lot of fucked up stuff. I’ve seen so many suicides and I’ve seen what happens to your body and the people who love you when you get discovered. It’s not poetic. It’s not fair to any of them. Including the people who respond to the scene. It’s so fucked up.
I wanna be happy. I’ll trade in my job and my belongings and money to be happy and find someone who sees the real me and loves me regardless. Today is my first day off in the three weeks since the break up cause I’ve tried to work so much. I find myself just sitting in this empty shell.
This was way too long I’m sry. | self.depression |
I had my first MUN experience Yeah...well. I got the best delegate award. The thing is, I feel empty. No emotions regarding this. I'm neither happy nor sad. Empty. Weird. I think there is a lot I should say, and a lot I should do, but I feel nothing. Have nothing to day. Have nothing to do. No celebration. Maybe it's because I'm lonely. Maybe. Many hands congratulated me, and I tried to smile. Something is wrong with me. I want to be happy. | self.offmychest |
I want to die, but I can't tell my parents. [deleted] | self.depression |
Anyone in here have try Ayahuasca? How was your experience? Did it help somehow or quite the opposite? | self.bipolar |
I just can't imagine any one actually liking me. There is this girl I really like and I had a moment of courage and I was able to talk to ask her for her number.She actually gave it to me and we text a ton.But no matter how much she shows me that she likes me I just think it isn't true even tho rational thought says otherwise.She literally told me I mean a lot to her and that she really like,but I'm still sitting here and doubting there will be anything in the future between us. | self.Anxiety |
How would you describe depression to someone like me that doesn't have it? | self.depression |
I Think I've Decided What My Suicide Note Will Say "Oh, you'll get over it."
I spoke too much while alive. Something to be said, is there not, for brevity? | self.SuicideWatch |
Im a bad person and don't know how to fix it Im an abusive person. Not physically abusive, I am a pacifist, but verbally abusive. In relationships I cared about my partners, but after sometime I would always find something that triggers me and I would black out with rage and try to take that persons insecurities and harm them with them. I have destroyed many relationships and it's all stemming from my own insecurities. I understood this about myself since I was 21. From when I was 17 to 26 I got into harder drugs (Not heroin or meth) every weekend, I would get drunk and have to be high on at least Cocaine, Acid, Molli.. whatever. I never thought it was doing me harm because I watched people handle drugs way worse than me. I thought, since I wasn't addicted fully and only doing it on the weekends, that I was a responsible drug user. Well, these drugs, especially cocaine... mainly cocaine.. started to have a toll on my self respect. I HATED MYSELF. I didn't understand why anyone liked me and I constantly thought of the little or big mistakes I have done and it HURT BAD. I was lucky I didn't own a gun by then because there was times where it was 2 days in and I was sitting alone watching the sun rise and the birds chirping wanting to kill myself.
Now, that that parts passed, lets fast forward to 27. A flood wiped out my home town and my work. I reached a low and got back onto drugs for the weekends cause I needed an escape. But then I found my dream job, after that it was a great time, I found happiness, I knew that I hated myself, but my mind was occupied by my personal success and I was making my dreams happen. I rode this horse for a year and a half. Too busy to even think about drugs. I finally killed that beast and to this day I have no intention of slipping back into that scene. At most a beer or two every couple of weeks.
Then I met my now wife. We met travelling, she is from a different country. We had to do a long distance relationship and it was hard, my insecurities came back and I started hitting on other girls. I never actually did anything, I just liked flirting. She didn't like that. She found out and I admitted it and apologized. Since then, she has never forgiven me. We tried again, and she came back and we had fun... she ended up getting pregnant. Just like any god damn tv show would tell you on how to fuck up.. and I did it.
Well, time for me to fuck up again. I have these three girl friends ive known for 15 years, we are realllllly into distasteful humor at eachothers expense. I was at my friends bachelors party and I texted one of them, "Come over, we need strippers." I personally didn't see anything wrong with that because I know her and wouldnt do anything with her. My wife saw I said that and got angry. She said she had a shitty pregnancy because of me and I ruined everything because of that. I still stand by me not knowing that was bad, but I understand it hurt her when she was already vulnerable to that issue and hat hurt me. Well, I left to her country and lived there for 8 months while my kid was born. It was amazing. He's such a happy kid, I lost any self doubt I had, any insecurity. I was complete. I continued to beg her for forgiveness and tell her lets make this a start over and have this nice family, she wont do it. She hate's that she has to be with me.
Well, the road to the green card has been difficult. We applied for it while Obama was in office, and it was going to be finished by April of 2017... then Trump got into office and right now its November and still no interview with the consulate... I had to move back to America, because her country wont let me do my job and only select states will. I found a nice paying job, but I had to move away from my family and friends to a state where I know NO ONE, while I wait for her to get a green card. Its been 3 months since I've seen my family. We were having great days, Skyping and talking when we can (Our hours are fucked, her night is my day..) Well, Friday I wake up, excited to skype them for my breakfast (their dinner) and I wake up to her yelling. I said good night at 1am my time, but she didnt receive it until 7am my time. So she starts yelling at me about how I was up all night with a girl and started saying she knew she couldnt trust me. I finally sent her a screenshot of it showing I sent it at 1am on my phone and she decided to ignore me...... Fuck, Triggered, Blacked out. I called her a c word, I called her a piece of sht, I said she's probably not taking good care of the kid. I told her everything I truthfully did NOT believe, just to crush her insecurities. Now here I am, alone in a state I know no one in, my job got delayed so im home alone, it's cold, I can't see my wife or kid and Im starting to realize once again why I hated myself so much when I was high on cocaine. Im extremely glad I don't want drugs because they would make it worse, but I still feel as bad as I did on those mornings when the sun was rising and the birds were chirping. I fucked myself once again because of my verbal abusive tendencies and anger I have. I understand I have these issues and I want them fixed badly, but I don't know how to fix them or where to go. I don't have enough money to talk to a psychiatrist because I haven't started my job yet and haven't worked for aa year. In 2 days is my sons 1 year birthday, and im going to miss it. I haven't stopped crying in 2 days and Ive blamed myself so much and my anger is building up so now im looking at who else is to blame. I just don't know what to do | self.offmychest |
Up at 1am, my plan for this rollercoaster The last couple of days have been weird. Yesterday I was so low. I was all crying for no reason, very needy.
Today I’m up at 1am and not tired at all. My European colleagues are up so I’m working with them.
I cancelled a meeting with my director and told him I would email him. I said I wasn’t feeling well.
I messaged my team that I might not be able to make meetings because my sleep schedule was off.
My game plan is this - work, work, work until I can’t anymore and maybe I get tired. If I get tired I can nap because I’ve already given my team a heads up. They know I’ve been not well this week and have been very understanding of me pushing meetings back.
I see my pdoc tomorrow morning. Instead of telling her everything is fine I will tell her that I’ve been having these little ups and downs.
My director responded already saying it was okay to cancel our meeting.
I do have an email exchange going back and forth about what will technically work versus what is supported. Now that I’m a consultant instead of an employee I have to have other people weigh the risks and make the decisions. It is a shift in thinking and really annoying to have lost so much control.
So this is my plan. Also I want to clean up the house to surprise my husband because he is so awesome. I also need to have my son write thank you cards for his birthday presents. Plus I need to send my mom her birthday present a month late because I suck. | self.bipolar |
I don't care I just want to die. I don't know why people are so ecstatic to live. I just don't care about life. The only reason I haven't done jack shit yet is because everyone says it would bum them out, I don't want to be a debby downer but I just don't want to live whatsoever. What's the big fuckin deal? Whats so great about living anyways? Everyday all I can think about is killing myself and ending this shit. I can't seem to enjoy anything. Why does anybody care about anything? Am I doing something wrong? | self.SuicideWatch |
I need help. I am so incredibly anxious about living in a computer simulation. The idea of living inside a computer simulation is *really* terrifying. I can't get it out of my head. It's been almost a month of near-constant anxiety. Everything we know/would ever know and our entire existence and history would just be lame code on a computer. Fuck me this shit is driving me insane...
The internet is literally chalk full of people arguing day and night for this idea. Any argument against it would be downvoted to oblivion, vilified and refuted at least 10 times.
Don't tell me to see a therapist because I would have done that already If I had the chance. | self.Anxiety |
On Day 3 of a two week vacation. Can't sleep because I'm not 100% sure stove is off and door is locked at home. Any tips? I'm not generally anxious, with the exception of triple locking my car or testing my door before I leave for work. | self.Anxiety |
Told my manager I have Depression today So she called me in her office and told me she noticed I've been unhappy. She wanted to know what at work was causing this.
Although there are things bothering me at work, I told her the main reason was my seasonal depression.
It was embarrassing. She asked if I needed time off...I told her that's all I really want, but it would make my depression worse. So I just need to take it easy at work and she said that's fine.
I feel like the conversation should have been relieving, but it wasn't. | self.depression |
I got high and re-lived suppressed childhood trauma I do N02 Baloons. I was happy. For the first time I can recall I was actually happy and content. Everything in my life was beginning to come together. I'd just been to visit my little brothers and sisters. I'm on school holidays (I'm a primary school teacher; yes i know drugs are bad)
I was having lucid highs for the first time ever. It was goddam spectacular. I actually saw the personified depression leaving. But by being lucid I realised there was a part of my brain I wasn't seeing.
I saw an image of a child. It was me, and there was layer upon layer of barriers covering him.
Every part of my body was screaming. I had to know.
I saw men unlocking a safe.
Then I saw him. I heard him. I saw my grandfathers face. I heard the kiss. I freaked out. I couldnt stop. I delved deeper. It was like my mind was drip feeding me the information. I could see images of disgusted people, parts of my own consciousness seeing it and being sick. They were telling me to stop.
I remembered him shoving it in my face, i could feel my groin tightening, I was actually having an erection. I think I saw him forcing me to do something with my sister.
I stopped. I phoned a friend, went to his, talked about it. I went and saw a film, but I couldnt stop picturing it.
I got high again. I couldnt stop myself. I couldnt bring myself to see anymore.
I tried to sleep. I couldnt. I went to the doctors today. I'm gonna go to counselling.
But I knew there was more. I got high, again. I saw more. I re-lived more of it. He made me think it was a game. There is more. Thankfully I'm out of drugs. I dont want more.
I have never felt worse. I'm constantly panicked yet completely stoic. I feel like I'm dying. I can't even listen to music as it all somehow reminds me of it. I need to talk to my sister. But what if she doesn't remember. What if she's blanked it too. What if this is all wrong. How am I going to be able to go to school on Monday and teach children? How can I not have even realised this happened to me? | self.offmychest |
It's been two weeks and counting I haven't slept well in the last two weeks, I haven't. I write poetry and long descriptive pieces expressing my sorrow, I'm scared this could take a toll on my grades but I don't even care anymore, and I've always been one of those kids who never believed in the entire concept of affection taking over other more important aspects but ever since this one event I have started accepting this sorrow more severely. Suicidal thoughts and locking myself in washroom cubicles to cry till I'm out of breath. I have always been the kind that's slightly more competitive. Crying after exams but this has kinda worsened it, I woke up without balance in my feet last night and felt super dehydrated. Again due to crying to much. I really don't know what to do. I think I really need someone to talk to :( | self.depression |
Gf left me and now is seeing another guy [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Lexapro 20mg I started Lexapro 10mg and it worked great for a few months and suddenly stopped. The dr increased it to 20mg and it did the same and has stopped working again. Has this happened to anyone else?? I’m always scared the dr doesn’t believe me and can’t bring myself to go back. | self.Anxiety |
Had an awful day I went to bed feeling a little uneasy about a text I'd sent someone, but I told myself that it was no big deal.
Then for some reason, I woke up at 5 in the morning terrified that they hated me now, and that they thought I was insane and that they would never speak to me. I got so worked up I didn't know what to do. It was one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. I honestly wished I was dead in that moment. I just kept wandering around my house occasionally just falling down because it was too much effort to keep upright. For some reason I can't even discern, I scribbled all over my arm with marker I found somewhere. It was so scary. And now, I just feel numb. I can't believe that any of that even happened. I felt like a different person. And I also feel really, really ashamed about how I overreacted. It just seemed at the time like my entire life would end because of that one text message.
Which wasn't even that bad.
The person in question was extremely nice to me about it, but I still can't help but feel like they must think that I'm crazy and must secretly hate me. Or maybe they just feel sorry for me. I don't know. | self.Anxiety |
Trying to hold on for family and friends who (at least say they) love me, but I don't know if I can I've been off and on suicidal for most of my life. The earliest I remember thinking of taking my own life was at age 6 or 7 because I was raised Mormon and in that "religion" 8 years old is what they call the "age of accountability" and they believe that anyone who dies younger than that will go straight to the highest levels of exaltation in heaven. I'm atheist now so I know it's all hogwash, but this was me at a young age knowing that I didn't enjoy life, knowing that I wanted it over, but fearing not going to heaven if I didn't do it soon.
Suicide (and finding ways to do it) has been a subject of my internal dialogue for almost all of my life. I've been very close to attempting a multitude of times, but can never follow through even with the attempt. I have been building devices over the past week or so that will make it impossible for me to turn back once I've decided for sure that I'm done, since I don't own a firearm.
I've been attempting to get my life together and have been failing to even get close to where I would expect to be at this point. I'm 22, have bipolar, and can't seem to hold a job for more than a few months at this point (and since being medicated, my cycle has basically just sped up, so probably not even a few weeks anymore) and I haven't had the motivation to set up an appointment with a doctor to get evaluated for financial support. I know this is on me, and that just makes me feel worse.
I want to have some relief and thought I had friends I could talk to about this and get shit off my chest and get comfort, but apparently not. My friends say they'll be there for me, but when I'm in a time of crisis they are always too busy. I have no idea what to do or how to make myself do it. I'm frustrated with life, with society, with myself, and with the universe.
I can't do this much longer and I'm not going to family members or to my counselor...or really anyone at this point. I'm not talking to family because they'll just send me to a psychiatric institution and I definitely will kill myself if I have to go back to one of those. I can't talk to friends because they apparently either think I'm not serious, or that I'm being a drama queen, or they just don't give a fuck. Can't talk to my counselor for the same reason as I can't talk to my family.
This is my only outlet right now because I cut off all of the online friends I had due to them being toxic to my life and they were the people I normally talked to about this. So I'm stuck not being able to talk to anyone who says they care about me because they apparently don't want to hear it.
This time next week I might be at my breaking point and nobody will be able to say they didn't see it coming because I warned them multiple times. Sorry for the long post, but it's not as long as I *could* have made it since I have far more to say about why I want to off myself.
TL;DR: Thanks for reading. | self.SuicideWatch |
Seroquel (quetiapine) and alcohol? Hello all I was diagnosed recently and have been put on quetiapine/seroquel 50mg a night. is it safe to have a couple drinks one night and take my dose or should i skip that night? thanks | self.bipolar |
I am feeling so small Hey, Reddit. 34F here. Mom of 4 kids. Married 2 and a half years. Suffer from Bi Polar 1, severe anxiety, OCD, and whatever else is going on in my mind that hasn't been analyzed and given a label.
I found out last night that my husband cheated on me with woman #7... this time it was his boss at his new job.
I know what youre thinking, "*7? I would have left him after the first!*"
I know. I should have, but I have a large heart and my bag or forgiveness seems to be bottomless. I have always believed in kindness- even if I am treated badly. Because this world is too filled with negativity, hatred, cruelty.
I also didn't leave because I have spent my life being abused and neglected and as an extreme defensive mechanism, I stay because I severely fear being alone, unloved. I married him because I love him. I still do, regardless of what he has done. But now I am crushed. After this many times of him cheating, I feel so empty. It's as if the air has been sucked out of my lungs- like my soul has been pulled into a black hole.
I don't know what I am looking for in posting this. I think I am just venting. I am in a dark place and I have no friends, family is bogged down with their own major issues and well, Reddit, youre all I have. | self.Anxiety |
Been a bit hypomanic lately. Just went on a cleaning spree of the apartment, now it is clean and organized. What's the best thing you have ever done while hypomanic? Been feeling hypomanic this week and today I went on a cleaning spree of my apartment.
I rarely clean or organize anything, so there was a lot that needed to be done. Granted, my apartment is 400 square feet so there isn't a lot to clean but it felt really good to have it clean and organized. I still need to clean my desk but I think that's just a lost cause at this point. But the kitchen is spotless and a lot of the clutter has been dealt with.
Sometimes hypomania isn't a bad thing! What's the best thing you've done while hypomanic? | self.bipolar |
Finals week and depression? Finals week (college) is almost here and I have no energy, motivation, or concentration, which are pretty much necessary for studying and writing final papers. Seriously don't know how I'm going to pass my courses when all I want to do is sleep. Anyone have any tips or going through the same thing? | self.depression |
Guilty over depression Lately I have been feeling guilty because I should not be depressed. I have a family that, although I am distant, loves me, I have food in my stomach, I have a part time job, and I have a good friend. Just one, but that's all I need.
Lately, it's also been harder to derive any lasting joy from anything. I watch a funny video or see a funny post, or spend a few hours with my best friend, but the good feelings seem to last less and less. As soon as I walk out of my friend's house and start driving home, my thoughts start becoming dark and the desperation starts.
I try to mitigate this by reading, which I enjoy because it provides an escape, but that also has its limits.
I think I should see my doctor and talk to him about the depression. I am not taking any medication, and I'd like to ask my doctor what he recommends, but that feeling of "you have nothing to be depressed over" keeps me from making an appointment. | self.depression |
Graduating in December and I think I’m going to teach English abroad! After 12 long years of on and off school I’ll finally have my degree in Anthropology in TWO WEEKS! I’ve been so anxious about what to do next to make sure I don’t fall into a depression spell and I decided I’m going to teach abroad and feed that hypo a bit lol. But seriously, I just can’t find myself being able to work 40 hr weeks and something like this sounds like a perfect plan for the next 6 months. I missed grad school application deadlines so I’ll be doing that next year but I just wanted to share my excitement of continuing to “have a path”. Ps, thank god for Lamictal and Abilify. | self.bipolar |
Good Intentions; Bad Outcome. It's not their fault. It never was and never will be their fault for the unfortunate outcome that came after it all. I can only hope for the best-- for them and for myself.
That's hard though. Especially when you're staying up at 4 in the morning, still missing them and all you can find comfort in is crying and music. It's been rough, I won't lie. I miss their sarcasm; I miss their song recommendations; our conversations and our silence along with their reassurance. Ironically, it's their reassurance that eventually turned out to be a lie as the rose exposed its thorns.
It's been 3, 4 months since he left. It's been 2 months of them being "together".
When did his words change from not wanting a relationship to him getting with her? He could of just told me he didn't want to be with me specifically.
I'm so confused, so tired, and I sometimes wish I never met them. I wish he never met me. | self.offmychest |
I've hit rock bottom.I think depression finally won.I think ill just do it . I've been dealing with depression and anxiety all my life but i had always managed to keep going.I never had friends because my interests are completely alien for the country i am from (if you think its difficult to be ''nerdy'' in the US try it in Eastern Europe),im fat,i have like 5 teeth that need to be worked on but i have sever dental phobia and i get sleepless nights from time to time,my PSU broke 2 days ago and i have no money to get a new one,so now im left without my videogames that were the only thing left to cope with.
I had my 18th birthday on the 18th but nobody gave a shit cause no friends remember,oh and the only thing close to friends was a girl from the US i talked online with for like 7 months,but because i am depressed peace of shit she gave up on me and the day my PSU broke,i awoke to all the contacts i had being deleted,so i lost that too. I was completely alone before her,but i was dealing with all the anxiety by turning my heart into stone,but then she comes cracks the stone makes me feel better,i actually start losing weight and becoming a better person,but because i have 100 anxiety's and complexes i end up becoming too much and i get thrown under the buss without a single word.My heart shatters into thousand pieces.
And all my family isn't helping,because for them a random person on the internet is nothing to get upset over,but when that was the closest thing to a friend you ever fucking had its a huge deal.Combine this with my computer being unusable and all the stress of trying to apply to college and its just too much.It finally won.I cant anymore.I have to go to the capital tomorrow to apply for a preliminary exam for college.Ill just throw myself under the train instead of going into it.I just cant | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm really frustrated and upset. I think I just need to vent or else I will end up in a full on panic attack. I feel unwanted by my husband and i have no one to talk to about it. I feel scared that because I may not give him what he wants when he wants it, that he'll find it elsewhere. He's never cheated, as far as I know, but he has found girls online to talk to. We've had talks and he knows now his boundaries, I think. But I'm still scared every day. And tonight has just been awful. | self.Anxiety |
When did you realize you had your first manic episode? Hi all, new to this subreddit! F20
Please share (if you remember) your first time having a manic episode and what it was like. How long did it last, what did you do, what made you realize “oh shit I just had an episode” ?
Personally I just started taking fluoxetine in Dec 2016 for my depression and by February 2017 I started to feel better, and I thought “oh great the drugs have kicked in, this must be what it feels like to be normal! I love life!”
Derpy me continued on not thinking much about anything, and continually increasing my dose. Then April came along and I went full force into the land of euphoria, promiscuity, and wacky purchases lmao. I’m a very self reflective person so naturally I kind of read about bipolar myself and all that stuff and how some people who are bipolar get mistreated with antidepressants and it just sends them into a manic episode.
(Cause there would literally be days where I felt high, and after a while i knew that it wasn’t normal to feel this good and to do the things I was doing)
After reading about AD and bipolar I thought that was interesting so I stopped AD for fear of having another manic episode and yea lmao. Anyways now I’m back on cipralax bcuz I’ve felt like killing myself for a month now so yeah. We will see how it goes.
PLEASE SHARE UR EXPERIENCE | self.bipolar |
Trying to live makes me suicidal Trying to actually make an effort at this living shit, but it’s so fucking awful that I just fantasize about ending it.
I’ve been trying to get a job for weeks, I’ve even had a few interviews but then nothing comes after that. The six month gap in my work history is fucking it up for me, I’ve never had this much trouble getting shitty min wage jobs before.
I don’t know what to do I’m almost out of money. I did some pretty questionable things to make ends meet and i really don’t want to go back to that. It’s too much work to stay alive | self.SuicideWatch |
Almost 25, have been struggling with anxiety and OCD forever, want to fade away into another world My life has been alright. I won't say it's been awful or anything like that, because I know there are people out there who are poor or live in awful environments or have horrible diseases and things. However, I have missed out on quite a lot.
I have had chronic anxiety and OCD for years. Yes, I've been to therapists, but never found much help at least for the chronic anxiety part. OCD I believe can be treated effectively with exposure and response prevention, which I've done successfully at certain times in the past (so, my firsthand experience tells me it works).
I also believe my horrible chronic anxiety (which comes with constant unreality and fatigue) can be cured as well via acceptance, due to my own realizations being confirmed by my encounters with many others who got better this way...unfortunately, my OCD has kept me from trying this out because I obsess so much about how to apply it "the right way." I obsessed for 2 years straight, pretty much every single day, about this.
I have pretty annoying obsessions right now that keep me from what I want to do, because those things can become "contaminated." I was going to do ERP on my own, but then someone suggested I should have a therapist, so I began to obsess about that for three months straight. Now, I am in therapy and want to drop out because I think I've made the wrong decision and this is just another waste of time.
So, I'm almost 25 years old. I have NEVER had an actual job; I have NEVER had a girlfriend; I don't have my LICENSE. I have made a little money online writing articles and stuff, and want to make a YouTube channel to do with science and philosophy (not expecting to get rich off this, but at least it would give me something to work at), but my OCD has affected both of these things too. I guess I should work at this in therapy.
I try not to think about it, but the fact that I've never had a girlfriend makes me quite depressed. The thing is, I was pretty good looking when I was younger. A lot of girls expressed interest in me (and I'm not making this up). Beautiful girls that I would have thought were out of my league...I remember one coming right up to me, smiling directly in my face, but I didn't say anything.
My anxiety kept me from having lasting relationships with girls. I just think of all the great relationships I could have had. I haven't finished university either, by the way. Anyway...even my good looks are fading now, due to the fact that I've been hit with early onset male pattern baldness! No joke...my hairline is somewhat far back now. I could get a transplant in the future, but geez. It's just unfair.
I suppose I shouldn't drop out of therapy. I should at least give it a chance. I need to really work on these issues, get back to school, finish, make my YouTube channel, whatever. I'm not going to commit suicide now or anytime soon, but I'm thinking maybe after therapy and after my friend's wedding in March. It's at least nice to realize that it's always an option that exists.
I might be able to solve my issues, but if any of you have any experience with feelings of unreality it puts a nice blanket over the world...I think if I were to come out of the unreality the weight of all the years I've wasted would hit me in the head and I'd want to commit suicide even more because I might not be able to handle it. | self.SuicideWatch |
What's the point in living in a hell called home [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
My family Does anyone go through this? My family has to put too signs up for me around the house because I'm to stupid to remember how to turn off lights and I've ruined the electro bill. I feel like such a fuck up. I'm on the verge of tears because my sister came in and complained about how much I don't remember. Everyone has lost patience with me. Can anyone level with me? | self.bipolar |
Broken man I am a broken man, I have been in love with my ex fiance` since I met her. We broke up last year due to the claims of me moving to the US. I know LDR is hard but I am giving everything i can do to help our relationship. But it feels like nothing is ever enough, I know the easiest way out is to move on but how can you move on when all i could think about is her, worst part is when we were trying to make things work again she told me that something happened with her and my friend. I thought friends have a unspoken bro code when i confronted my friend he just said things happen and he wanted to get married too. This is a friend i tell my feelings about my ex. This is the friend to say forget about her and then he comes along and get her. When i spoke to my ex because I really wanted to make us work and she said she wants us to get back together too, I stayed up all night cause on where she is nighttime to me is daytime to her but she couldnt even make time for me, oh and did i mention i had a dream about them before even finding this out? I am going crazy at that time and all i wanted was to confirm if she really does love me but she didnt even said a word. When i tried to call her phone it was busy and for some reason i tried to call that friend too and it was also busy. I am really getting paranoid at that time it was way too much of a coincidence. I love this woman to the bottom of my heart. But she said she doesnt see it and wants me to court her again which i dont see anything wrong but i feel like i am getting played which really hurts to thing about the woman you love your whole life.
I am a broken man. | self.depression |
My heart races and bangs in my chest when the doorbell rings. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Depakote side effects suck, but (TMI-girl stuff) I just got my first period without having major PMS in years. Usually, I get so angry a few days before my period. Or I have terrible mood swings back and forth. This time I didn't even know it was coming. | self.bipolar |
Jonghyun's death triggered me too hard For thos of you who don't know, Jonghyun was a Kpop star who commited suicide.
He made his suicide letter public.
I wasn't his fan or anything, I knew of him through my sister. I do appreciate the fact that he was very talented.
I think he died a few weeks ago but it just feels like yesterday. Idk I just feel like...
In a sense I feel encouraged to do the same and end my life like that.
And yet, his absence makes me grieve.
| self.depression |
What happened to you? I was really looking forward to seeing Star Wars with you. Why didn't you show up? We missed you. It was nice hanging with the guys but still. Last week we watched The Force Awakens at my house and you were supposed to come but you got sick. So what happened this time? We didn't hear anything from you. Watching the movie was nice, but the highlight was supposed to be watching it with you.. Sometimes I wonder about our friendship. I hope you reach out to me eventually. Until then, I will just keep dreaming. | self.offmychest |
I can't live like this anymore. EDIT.I'm gonna sleep finally, hopefully when im back there will be something in the comments, or a opinion of some sort. Because if someone dosent say something. Society will, and they arent a very good type of people to get "Advice" from.
This is a throwaway account. Just incase something does happen to me. Im just gonna write here about my life and explain how the situation im in is my fault, go ahead and make fun of me, i didnt know where else to post this. So im here, i just knew i had to post it somewhere. I dont want anybody to pity me, if i do end up killing myself, you probably wont know. I dont know if ill respond after this message.
I'm 16 years old.(Male) I had a pretty decent childhood. Everything started to go down rather in 8th grade and so after, I had a first love, we dated for awhile and we broke up. The cliche breakup, i guess. Except i can consider myself a bit obsessed. Not in a weird creepy way, just a way where its almost 2 years after we brokeup and i still have thoughts about her, i miss her so much. After the breakup i lost the motivation for everything, school, my health. Basically everything. I'm currently dropped out. I do nothing but hide in my room all day listening to music and occasionally talking to the few people in my life on the phone. What lead me to do this is i had a friend and she recently went total opposite on me telling me to leave her alone and she doesent have the urge to talk to me anymore. I have a small circle so this obviously hurt me, and how blunt she was also made me feel useless. Ive always felt useless. My mother always tells me its fine and that ill "make do with my life" saying she loves me and that. But when something i do happens she goes all out on me saying im worthless, im a loser dropout, all that shit. I want to get me GED but my mother and father refuse to do anything for me. even when they say yes to something i ask for. I shouldnt be reliying on them for anything. But ill be honest, im scared of my future if i stay alive. Living at my moms house being over 20. Im such a loser. And ill be more of a loser if this continues, so i dont know whats gonna happen next in my life. Everyone ive ever met left me. I have one "bestfriend" but hes not just someone i can go up to and tell him this. Hense ive made stuff up to hide away the lies i live under. I just cant do it. I have noone to talk to as anyone i try to talk to has a urge to just throw everything ive made with them away. or at least ive had with them. So im here, i dont know what to do in life. Ive officially given up and im not the person to come out and explain everything because i dont like attention. It could reveal the scum of a live i life or kind of person i am. Ive never done anything wrong to anybody, maybe toxic sometimes in gaming. Ive always thought stuff like that would come back at me. Maybe its that. I dont know what im talking about. Im speaking my mind. I recently got a piano for christmas (though not expensive but it makes do) and ive learned alot on it. I thought to myself to help me cope and keep going, before then ive sang all my live and can say im pretty good at it. Im sorry i went off topic. Anyways ive gained a bit of weight since 8th grade (I think im 5"8 and 160 lbs?) and that just kills my confidence as i used to be really muscilar. people actually enjoyed me, what happened to everything, why has everything in the world all of a sudden become so cruel to me. Why is this happening to me? Do i deserve this? are there people in this world that are just ment to be tortured by the reality of life? I dont sleep. I overeat at times. I'm so sad with what ive become, it was never planned to come like this. I wanted to be so much. Yet i just had no motivation no matter what. I need help and i dont know where to get it. If this continues Ill just resort to ending my life. that way i can just leave everyone and everything. Nobody cares for me like they used too anymore. Im so sorry and i tell them that yet i just get ignored. I feel the family problems are because of a very lack of money at the moment, which makes me feel even more useless because i could get a job but i wanna go to school yet i dont have the motivation for both. theres literally nights where we dont even eat. Yet i still gain weight. I dont know whats wrong. I just wish we had the money for things, i wish i had her come back to me. I wish my mother actually ment what she said, I wish for so much and i wish wishes would just come true for me. Ive always wanted a nice gaming computer so i could game (obviously) but hook my keyboard(piano) to it and improve on it. My mother said she will get it for my birthday, she said that my last birthday. I know the outcome. I dont know if these are my last words. As you can tell i randomly bring up different subjects. I just want someone to listen. Ill read what anyone has to say. This is my last resort. | self.SuicideWatch |
Act your age, you whiny mangina cunt. I've been on the same basic routine for going on 7 years. Wake up, go to work, come home with an optional stop for fast food, smoke pot, play video games for several hours, sleep, repeat. Food is almost always cheese pizza. Occasionally $1 burgers, occasionally tacos. Coworkers bring me in and take me home, so I only ask on rare occasions. Social interaction is on Facebook or game chat.
My job is entry level and straightforward with lots of free time and the ability to "hide" for a while. The pay sucks but I have a minimal lifestyle. I don't have a car or phone service. I eat sparingly and ALWAYS cheap. I split my bills with my roommate. No child support, Ive been married for 9 years and haven't seen my "wife" in 8. Something about my personality makes women crave sex with other people. No loss there, trust me. I smoke and play games with my roommate who is in a similar situation, though he is new to it. He's cool as a roommate. Pays bills, keeps to himself.
I have no siblings. No cousins I talk to. No friends. No education. A dead end job. I have no one. My life is a veneer of function over a charred pile over sticks. Im not surprised no one wants anything to do with me. No one checks up on me. No one even pretends to care anymore. I am completely alone. This is for the best, though. I hate people. I hate you. People are only interested in exploiting you and bleeding you of whatever they can take from you. You and I are no different. I think I may be a sociopath. Do I actually want to be different, or do i just say I do because I know that that's what society thinks I should want to do? | self.depression |
Paranoia & Suicidal Thoughts I apologize beforehand if my wording seems weird. I tend to write best in poetic forms that don't make much sense. My guess is it feels less direct, and therefore easier to excuse or let out. Anyway, let's get this moving, eh?
I grew up for three or four years at the hands of the devil himself. I was beaten, starved, raped, and locked away in a basement for my formative years while my mother was forbidden from rescuing me due to the wonderful works of pay offs to the Montana justice system and some very grand story telling. My mother was very young, and had nothing to show for her life except for a couple of high school credits and now a kid. She herself had experience at the hands of my abusers during her more youthful years and was left a hollow shell of what she could have been. The word father was lost from both of our vocabularies as soon as we exited the womb, with mine being only fourteen when I was conceived. In a desperate attempt to gather more merit, she temporarily forgot herself and signed her life away to the military and left me in the custody of those abusers who claimed that they were transformed into angelic entities that could do no wrong. I've never blamed her for it, for they are master manipulators. She was then banned from the state entirely and cast out on a grey hound charter bus when she returned from the army after dismissal concerning her mental health. She'd apparently woken up from her ignorance and regretted her decisions so deeply, she attempted suicide in the military.
I stayed there for a few more years, until my mother got married and was able to adopt me back into this new family, with a father and sister in tow. Life was good for a few years, minus New Fathers addictions to alcohol, crack, meth, and whatever else he could get his hands on, but those issues never directly affected me or my sister. School was a challenge as I was moving from state to state constantly, never staying in one place for more than two years due to New Father's job. But, I always thoroughly enjoyed traveling so I was never really bothered by it. Then came middle school where I found myself trapped in a tiny town where I'm still located to this very day, nearly ten years later. A small school located in the Bible Belt of America, I was instantly outcast as an atheist metal head with a burning passion for all things black and musical. Needless to say, I excelled at band. I was a very excellent student, with the ability to never read or pay attention in class, yet pass all of my classes with a ninety-five or above average. Learning and music were the things I relied on for survival. Trouble at home started around this time when my New Grandmother, who shattered all prejudice and fear I had of fat women who wore big glasses passed away. That moment destroyed my New Father and ruined my family. A drunken, abuser moved into my house that day, and I never saw New Father again. I began to use razorblades on my skin and dream of the day I could finally escape this tiny town and pursue my dream of going to New York and jumping off the Empire State Building while having my mind blown on heroin. People at school hated me for being different and would often slam my locker into the side of my head and tell me I would amount to absolutely nothing in my life, thus furthering my desire for deaths sweet embrace. I did attempt to fall into the void on several occasions, but I was as bad at killing myself as I was making friends at this institution, but as addicted to it as New Father was to his bottles and beatings, so I never gave up. I also began removing food from my life during this time, as I became affectionately deemed Thunder Thighs by my lovely peers. I tried to isolate myself, but found the company of a truly lovely girl who understood what it was like to grow up facing struggle after struggle. My time with her was pure bliss as we exchanged sweet kisses behind the bleachers of the gym and spent our afternoons reading, listening to music and smoking pot together. I was so incredibly happy with her, and loved her with more of my heart than I had ever even known existed. Still, to this day, I know my love for her was incredibly real. I was unable to confide in any one about my wonderful relationship because along with going to school in the bible belt, my mother and sister were fervent Mormons who believed homosexuality was a plague on humanity, a belief that has thankfully changed completely, though with no help from me.
Our relationship ended quite abruptly as my beautiful flower had been perverted at the hands of her mothers fuck-of-the-week, and was instantly sent away two-thousand miles away from me to live with her father. I was heart broken about not only losing her, but what had happened to her. I was infuriated. I could think of nothing but castration and carefully planned murder for months. I then settled into the groove of school having found a handful of people who enjoyed my company, and I theirs. New Father was always away working, so family life became easy, with the exception of my mother's over protectiveness and slight over burdening, but I never really minded it too much. To me, it was a miracle that she was still alive after everything she had been through in her own life.
Fast forward a couple of years to when I was half way through high school. New Father came home and was always drunk and angry. He tried to kill my mother. Admitted it himself. She couldn't use her voice for several weeks. She called to me for help. I didn't want her to know I was awake at 1:45 in the morning and though she was just testing me to see if I was in bed as they were out of town for the weekend. I ignored it. I fucking ignored it. I ignored it out of fear and defiance. I blame myself completely. I had a boyfriend who was nearly four years my senior, who I'm still with today. We are now engaged. I was with him that night. My mom didn't like him much because he was in college (his first year, but still) so I tended to spend time with him on the DL, and he was with me that night. We were literally just sitting in my living room talking about past experiences, but I knew if my mother knew I was awake and with him, then it wouldn't have been good. Or so I thought. I still regret that to this day. I'm so sorry, mom...
He never got into trouble. He never does. He once smoked meth in my bathroom, got locked out of the house, and proceeded to drive his illegal truck with no license, a firearm, drunk, and on meth. My mother called the cops on him and they did absolutely nothing. We didn't see him for a week.
We are now in 2017, and in the past year I've dealt with losing my two musical heroes to suicide, New Fathers abuse, my poor, gentle sister admitting to my mother and I that she is so tired of his antics that she's considered suicide, I've buried two very close friends of mine a month apart, both due to suicide, wrestled my mother down when she had a gun to her head, and now have absolutely zero desire to continue on living. I live my life in fear of people leaving me and wanting nothing more to do with me, thinking they see how worthless I am, as I've lost several close friends simply because they couldn't stand me anymore. I'm twenty years old now, and haven't finished high school, or moved out of my house for fear that New Father will come back and I won't be around to stop him from inflicting harm, or even death, onto my mother and sister. I do not deserve to live any longer, but cannot seem to bring myself to do the one running theme of my 2017: commit suicide. Just as I've failed everyone else in my life, I fail my self each and every day by waking up in the morning, having past yet another day, another year, of not doing anything with my life. I have zero motivation to do anything, and I feel so guilty for living off of the savings I accumulated to get the hell out of here. I'm a waste of space, and I know that, so why the hell can I not do the world a favor, and just kill myself, and rid everyone, once and for all, of the burden that is my existence?
I'm sorry for rambling. I'm sorry for complaining. I'm sorry for existing. | self.offmychest |
I'm better off dead. I'm better off dead. I'm better off dead. I'm better off dead. I'm better off dead. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
how can I die painlessly i am done with dealing with it all i have lost all will to fight it can someone tell me any way to die easily and painlessly | self.SuicideWatch |
Why is it considered immature to blame your parents? Was this rule invented by bad parents? I don't have the power to completely overcome my childhood programming or the sequence of events that led me to where I am now. Believing that you can do anything you set your mind to is superstitious. I suspect that it's a lie that was invented to justify unfairness. If people can do anything, nobody owes them anything because they can fix their own problems. If it's true, children don't even have to be raised! People can shit out as many kids as they want and do the bare minimum to keep them alive, and as soon as the kids turn 18, they're responsible for their lives and can magically turn their lives around if they pull up their bootstraps.
My mom has changed a lot, and I'm grateful for that, but she was too late. She's too dumb to grasp how much damage she's done. She chose her religion over my happiness and I'm a warped person now. I'm past the point of no return. She took over a decade of my youth from me that I needed. I needed that time to keep up with my peers. She decided that God wanted me to be a girl and I had to be one. I told her that I wanted to be a boy and she yelled at me. She was inconsistent and taught me little of value. I still have to go to therapy to slowly overcome what she did teach me. I couldn't rely on her to do routine things such as pick me up from school on time. She wouldn't let me get a job in high school and then I had no work experience when the recession came. She didn't understand that the point of parenting was to prepare me to live independently. Her and my deceased dad's plan was for whatever man I married to take care of me. They made me terrified of the world so that I didn't dare to explore it until I later learned that my fearfulness was pathological. They didn't teach me how to stand up for myself even though they taught me that danger lurked around every corner!
I want to scream at my mom. I've thought about telling her off in a suicide letter, but I know she's dim-witted. She's a Dunning-Kreuger parent. She learns veeeery slowly, only after she's caused devastating damage, and she doesn't even own up to her mistakes. She forgets them or justifies them. She's the kind of person who acts first and justifies later.
How was I supposed to pull myself up by my bootstraps at 18 when my parents shaped me as a person up to that point? How was I supposed to know how to prepare for a world I was too sheltered from to understand? How was I supposed to know what I needed when my needs had been dismissed and I had been shamed for who I was? I do not have such an unrealistic level of free will that I can choose to snap into normality. I have only reached my current level of functionality from years of therapy and reading, at the expense of a lot of time that I wouldn't have lost if I had decent parents! I didn't get to enjoy being a teenager or a young adult, and I will never get that time back, and it WAS my parents' fault! | self.depression |
I deeply admire depressed people who manage to keep their lives intact on the surface [deleted] | self.depression |
Lack of Purpose, No Control, and an Existential Crisis So here I am. 29 years old, no skills, training, or degrees to my name. I still live with my mother- my father died when I was 12- and she's an absolute control freak, a religious nutjob, a selfish hypocrite, and a crazy cat lady. I'm unemployed, out of shape, single after losing the love of my life to my own apathy and insensitivity, can't drive and don't have a license even if I could, and I just have a whole host of things wrong with me.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. My mother won't acknowledge the anxiety as a legitimate issue. She also won't acknowledge that she might have had something to do with it- and she absolutely did since she's so imposing and throws her weight around like a tyrant. There's nowhere I can go to get away from her since all my friends are either struggling with their own lives financially, or simply don't have any place for me to stay.
I feel like I have no control over my own life because of my mother, but she doesn't see the problem. In fact, even if she did, she wouldn't care unless it proved problematic for her. Everything that happens either MUST benefit her, or is a problem. She wants me to get a job, but only so that she can use my money for her wants and needs. If I try to withhold anything from her, she will threaten to kick me out of the house- and remember that I have nowhere to go. If she wants me to be independent, it's just so that I'm gone and not using up her resources. It's never about me.
And then there's the existential crisis: I'm not religious at all, and I've already come to terms with the pointlessness of existence. What got to me, however, is that existence CAN have meaning when conscious minds assign meaning to it; but what if all conscious minds go extinct, with no hope of resurrection or the rise of new consciousness? Then reality itself becomes permanently meaningless. So the ULTIMATE purpose is to ensure the continued existence of consciousness, because doing that will give all conscious minds the freedom to choose their own purposes. Ever since I came to this realization, I have felt morally obligated to contribute to this goal in some way, but I have no way of doing that. I can't choose my own path, make my own decisions, or run my own life. Everything I do is dictated by my mother, or else I lose the roof over my head. The anxiety I get from this is enough to paralyze me physically, so there goes finding a job.
The most likely scenario for the end of the universe is heat death. Nothing but entropy. When that happens, consciousness will go extinct if it hasn't found a way to survive beyond that point. If I cannot at least TRY to contribute to this goal, then what good am I? I'm NO good. I'm an absolute WASTE of atoms and energy. I wouldn't feel that way if I didn't know this shit, or if I had the ability to dismiss it, but I DO know it and I CAN'T dismiss it. My perspective is just... too vast.
So with my hopelessness at fulfilling my moral obligation to the survival of consciousness, and my decreasing sense of autonomy, it's becoming more and more apparent that my only truly free choice is suicide. I'm not in any danger at the moment, but this is literally the only way out of the situation I'm in that I can do ALONE. Someone else HAS to pull me out, give me what I need to live, and give me the space to find my own sense of self sufficiency.
I can't talk to my mother about any of these things because she won't acknowledge that her actions are wrong. I can't talk to my therapist or support person from the free mental health facility about this because I'm afraid I'll be hospitalized a 3rd time- and I'm convinced that they deal with suicidal people by making their lives as miserable as possible on the inside so that all they want to do is get out, and then life doesn't seem as bad when they ARE out.
My friends can't help, my family can't help, and I don't know if my support people can help. What do I do? Is my only chance at freedom truly nonexistence? | self.SuicideWatch |
Going off SSRIs in order to therapeutically undergo psychedelic treatment for depression/lost purpose. Hi Everyone,
Apologies in advance for the long post. Here it goes:
I have been on a fairly high dose of an anti-depressant called Luvox (fluvoxamine). I was put on this medication for severe OCD for almost 2.5 years.
In 2015, I did a flood dose of Iboga TA extract. This was a major soul searching resource for me, helped me get off opiates, and allowed me to turn my life around with a financially sustainable job. I felt like a totally new person as far as my depression and purpose goes.
Unfortunately, my OCD was still an issue, so two months after treatment I went on a low dose of this anti-depressant, and upped to my current dosage 6 months later.
I also tried Kambo (amazonian frog venom) after my Iboga treatment, which also helped with soul searching as well.
Within the last 6 months, I have spiraled down with my depression again and feel I have lost purpose (I had a business partner and friendship that ended from his behalf, and prior to its end, I felt like I had a purpose).
I still struggle with chronic substance abuse issues and OCD. It seems that the anti-depressant doesn't seem to be effective anymore for my OCD.
Psilocybin mushrooms seem to put a temporary lift on my germaphobia and help me find a little bit of purpose.
Ketamine therapy has temporarily helped with my depression, but eventually returns (also it doesn't give me that sense of purpose/soul searching).
So I'm wondering whether I should go off my medication completely (tapered), and undergo perhaps Ayahuasca treatment, which I haven't done before, and perhaps add Kambo to the mix.
Any thoughts? I feel so lost...I have tried therapy and AA/NA for support, but I feel my mental health issues are an underlying cause for my addiction. I'm even thinking about going to church even though I'm not religious, but spiritual (I still believe in God).
| self.depression |
I'm struggling with depression and medications Hello everyone. I'm diagnosed Bipolar Type 1. I recently had a manic episode which cost me a job, right after I was offered a promotion to a supervisor position. In my mania I was unable to restrain my impulses, and was fired for "insubordination and creating a hostile work environment." Following losing the job my mania ramped into delusions where I believed God was leaving me signs, which is especially weird because I'm otherwise not religious. My mania eventually broke on its own after a month or so.
Anyways, since then I've been hospitalized after being suixidally depressed, going on now for about six months. I've managed to find work, miraculously... But in this state I'm unable to bond with anyone. I just feel like a sack of meat, and I don't know what has happened to my personality.
While hospitalized I was prescribed 20mg of Paxil and 7.5mg of Abilify. They seemed to work really well initially.. I actually felt energized and motivated... But two weeks in I feel depressed still, not suicidal, but depressed... And even though I'm tired I can't sleep.
I'm just feeling so hopeless, so I'm posting here in the hopes that someone who has gone through something similar eventually found the relief they are looking for. It's so hard dealing with this terrible illness when it feels like there's no end in sight. That's what makes me suicidal, not so much wanting to die, because I don't, I just want this terrible depression end. I want my life back.
| self.bipolar |
I want help but i don't want anyone to worry and treat me different because of it [deleted] | self.depression |
Death premonition can true, now another one (Anxiety?) In a fleeting thought, I predicted that a death in my family was imminent. A few days later, my nephew died. Now I've had another vision or premonition. This time it was a similar fleeting thought, but this time was specific, my brother.
I have had issues with anxiety for the past several years that started with some health issues I was unable to get diagnosed. Ever since that time, I have had trouble dealing with anxiety. I have had some of these premonitions before, especially about my mother who is in end sage COPD and on hospice the past year. I've had thoughts about bad things happening to family in the past but nothing that coincided with any particular event.
This episode about my brother only differs from the one about my nephew in that this time the "Who?" was specific. I did not get any guidance to share these premonitions with anyone, and did not act on them. As for the latest one, I'm still worried sick as my brother is driving 8 hours to Chicago tomorrow and will be staying until the weekend, coming home, then going back the following week. He was talking about whether to drive of fly. I wanted to try to convince him one way or the other, but didn't get any guidance on the situation, so I didn't say anything.
The event that coincided with this vision seems to have come about when I learned he was traveling 10 hours round trip to take my aunt back home who they picked up while in a nearby city for his former boss' funeral. I was concerned something bad was going to happen the whole time. Both trips he made without incident and I felt a huge relief. Now that I've learned he's traveling again, I can't shake the vision I had.
How do I separate a premonition from anxiety? I had no real identifiable anxiety preceding the premonition of my nephew's death, it was just a fleeting thought and non-specific. The latest vision was specific to my brother, but nothing else, and occurred in a time of high anxiety for me. Dealing with my recent loss, and some other health scares that were unfounded, etc. really had my anxiety pegged. I can’t seem to let this thought go. It woke me up several time last night. I’ve prayed for clarity in this situation, but still can’t let go of this thought.
Freaked out and not sure how to deal with this right now. | self.Anxiety |
Do you ever feel like the world doesn’t need you at all? Like for me tonight, I call up a few friends, all out with other people, I try to share stuff with my family but they’re always busy with work, my bf has work problems and just shuts me off.. No one really needs me.. Why am I even alive? | self.depression |
I can't take it anymore awful things happen to me every goddamn day and I'm so sick of it, it's like the universe itself is screaming at me to go. I really don't think I'm meant to live life, I'm not cut out for this shit. no one cares about me. everyone leaves me for somebody else. I'm in constant physical pain from arthritis that I've been suffering of since I was 12 and nobody takes it seriously. the people I thought were my best friends have abandoned me to be friends with the person who treated me horribly. my OCD makes my life a living hell. I'm ugly and have never dated anyone. every day I find a new way to be disappointed in life I can't do this anymore I need to go, if people can tell I'm in pain they don't do anything, nobody will miss me I have to end this. I just want to know if anybody would care or notice if I died | self.SuicideWatch |
I feel as if everything I do I do just to kill time Living feels agonisingly slow. I feel as if days have turned into waiting to go back to bed in the evening so I don’t have to deal with anything for a few hours rather than filling hours with things that feel enjoyable or as if they contribute to something. I only do things because they’re effective in killing time or I have to. I feel as if I’m not capable of feeling emotions and positive responses to things like a normal human being. Everything feels so dull and boring and I honestly wonder all the time why I still push myself away from suicidal thoughts and urges because there’s no point in living. I know there are aspects of life which are fulfilling and enjoyable, but I feel like I’m immune to it and I’ve finally realised how little chasing things is worth. Everything feels like I’ve done it a million times and I guess I push myself to extremes in the hope that something will shock me and I’ll have something to think about. I feel empty and as if something is missing. I can’t even cry because I’m so used to sadness. | self.depression |
I have a job interview tomorrow, my girlfriend and I are fighting, and I’m so stressed. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I have dreams and ambitions yet I can not find the motivation to make them happen Sometimes it feels like it might be easier to live a life as a normal 9-5 zombie, plodding along to a job I despise deep down every day. I suppose in ways it would be nice to have a simple life, nothing too mad but to be able to take anything that comes to me. But at the same time although I don't know exactly what it is I definitely want to do with my life, I have multiple things I would love to be doing with myself.
A few examples are marine biology, police, paramedics, Royal Navy or working in the TV/Film industry. I also weirdly enough like helping others and get at least some joy out of it despite not even being able to help myself. Despite all these ambitions I can't seem to get myself up to take action on them, I get myself hyped up and watch a few motivational videos to help but they only last for so long.
I know not to be jealous but I can't help but look back on Facebook and seeing people from school who tormented me both physically and mentally as a kid doing extremely well, having good homes, money, etc, one of them just got lucky and happened to marry a footballer who plays for a smaller team but she has more money now than she can count and not a penny of it was worked for.
I wish I did well in school, in life in general, I wish I wasn't a shell of my younger self who drinks way too much just to cope and give myself some sort of coping mechanism. I wish I was still like a kid, with barely any cares in the world, with the closest thing to real happiness I've ever known, I'm sorry to you, younger me. I'm sorry for not being what you wanted to be. | self.depression |
I want to sleep and never wake up I'm pretty fortunate, things for me are better than most. Way better. I just find it so hard to be happy. The kid that seeked happiness in the past is long gone, he grew up living in fear. Despite all that, he somehow managed to find a tiny bit of happiness. He could be happy, that isn't the case anymore. These days I feel so empty inside. | self.offmychest |
Had to leave work due to mental health for the first time ever I was sitting at work and was very suddenly overwhelmed with anxiety. It had hallmarks of a manic episode but was very sudden and intense. I couldn't read my screen, couldn't focus on any sounds around me, and moving my body felt very mechanical. I got up to use the bathroom and got lost twice on my way back. One of my employees asked me a question and based on her facial expressions I wasn't making much sense and I was stuttering/shaking pretty bad.
Luckily my boss and workplace in general are super progressive with mental health issues and my boss's boss even offered to drive me home, but I have so much internal conflict about not finishing my shift.
Now that I'm home and in a comfortable space my baseline is nowhere near as bad as it was, but now I can't stop thinking "what if I just used a tough situation as an excuse instead of an opportunity to work through it?" and I feel terrible about going home. I mean I consciously know that mental health is real and valid as fuck but the conflict is tough.
Anyone have any experiences to share about missing time for mental health issues? | self.bipolar |
Mid 30s, dont know what I'm doing Just got fired from my job.
$220,000 in savings
I help my parents with $700 a month.
I just want to do manual labor, I hate corporate America.
Single, and probably will be for a long while.
My teeth are f'ed up but I hate dentists.
I guess things could be worse. | self.offmychest |
getting rid of anxiety Hi, all!
I’m writing this hoping to help any of you out there suffering with this terrible condition which is anxiety. The text is long and tells how my anxiety developed silently and how I have managed to understand and cope with it completely without making use of any medication.
I have been dealing with a big amount of stress for about 1 year now. The main source of this stress was the fact that I hated my work and yet needed to remain on it because I needed the money. I let myself be consumed with the thoughts of hating going to work and soon some symptoms manifested: insomnia, gastritis, constipation, sadness and even changes in my period. Other than work, I was also occupied writing my thesis for university and worried about a German proficiency test I had to take to get into a masters degree.
At this point, I didn’t know anything about anxiety or stress. I have always been a pusher, I literally push myself to do anything I need to achieve my so-called dreams and I never gave myself time to understand my emotions or thoughts. If fear came, I’d ignore it completely and pretend all was well.
However, as my health conditions worsened, I became very worried about diseases. One time, I tried a weed brownie and at some point it felt like my whole face was melting and I thought I was having a stroke. My friends were with me and kept assuring me my face was fine and I didn’t want to be seen as crazy so I just shut up and laid down and googled everything I could about the correlation between weed and strokes. That was just a panic attack starting to scratch my surface, although it didn’t reach its full potential on that day and I remained completely unaware of anxiety altogether.
I quit my job as I felt so miserable that I couldn’t bring myself to go anymore. And then I decided to move to Germany and live there with my boyfriend. That had always been my dream. But when I bought the flight, I felt no happiness at all. I felt fear. I was leaving my family, my country and everything that is familiar to me. Again, instead of giving this a thought, I decided to ignore it completely and push myself towards this. I couldn’t talk to my family about the move in general and avoided to think of it.
And then one day, I was talking to my mother in the kitchen and suddenly I felt what I now know as depersonalization. And right after noticing something was weird and wrong, my mouth got too dry and I couldn’t coordinate my speech. I was sure it was the actual stroke now and all I could say was “oh my God” and run to sit on the couch where I started shaking uncontrollably while my arms and jaw went completely numb. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was about to die. I raced to the hospital and as I got there, they measured my blood pressure and it came out normal, so they gave me a green bracelet which meant “low priority” and that stressed me even more, because in my mind that was completely unfair as I was obviously having a stroke or about to have one. Later that night, the doctor told me it was anxiety. And I thought “are you insane?”.
The following days weren’t any better, although I did not have another panic attack. However, a fast beating heart, trembling, depersonalization and short breath consumed me the entire day and I couldn’t name the reason why I felt this way and just wanted it to be over.
I decided to give the doctor some trust and started looking up anxiety on the internet. All of the symptoms described were exactly like mine, the similarity was astonishing and I ended up getting convinced that anxiety was indeed what was afflicting me. Then, I changed my diet completely and started eating healthy, also started taking vitamins (B, C, D, magnesium), started exercising everyday, having tea, meditating, going to the church. The routine with better habits helped me very much but still I suffered with frequent episodes of depersonalization, short breath, rapid heartbeats and mostly insomnia. The lack of sleep was the worst because I couldn’t make my mind shut up and to get my heart to beat at it’s normal pace.
I went to the psychiatrist. Due to the fact that I was moving soon, he told me he wouldn’t prescribe any “real” medication, because I probably couldn’t buy the medicine with as much ease in Germany. But he did prescribe something to help me sleep, mainly on the flight (Alprazolam 0.25mg). I’ve never been a fan of medicine and I was definitely not fearless about a medicine that can lead to dependence. I took it two times to help me sleep when I found myself laying down exhausted at 4am completely awake. It did get me to sleep very quickly.
However, the symptoms were back the next day and I certainly did not want to use medication everyday. So I decided to forget about the symptoms and investigate their cause and not their effects.
Why was I anxious? What is the reason for this?
As anxiety hits mostly so suddenly and out of nowhere, most people can’t think of the actual reason why they’re feeling this way. And as an anxious person, it is even more difficult to do so, because your ability to think clearly is affected by the big amounts of adrenaline running through our bodies.
However, I started writing a journal telling all of what I felt that day, points (if any) of improvement and my feelings, in order to make better sense of them. It was admitting to myself that I was afraid of moving, afraid of my relationship not working, afraid of not getting a masters and some other fears which started changing the game for me. While writing, I usually wrote a clear structure, for example:
- Fear 1: My relationship might not work
- Does it make sense? Yes
- Should I worry about it? No, because every relationship has a chance of not working and worrying about this is not going to make it succeed.
And so I did with all my fears. I was, for the first time ever, being completely honest with myself and owning my feelings in order to understand them and make sense of them. As I did this, everything became more clear to me and I could talk about these fears with my family and boyfriend without panicking. I stopped worrying about how the symptoms made me feel and focused on what really mattered: their causes. And I found that most of my fears were irrational and senseless and the fact that I had ignored them instead of trying to understand them only made them grow to an extent that I could no longer control them.
That is why I believe that the answer to tackling and getting rid of anxiety is to understand yourself. Give yourself time to understand what your body is trying to tell you: something is going on in your life and you probably don’t want to deal with it. Ignoring it only gives it power. Medication can only help tackling the symptoms by taking control of your nervous system. But anxiety will probably be there the next day and you’ll take the medicine again and soon enough that dose won’t be enough for you and you’ll have to take more in order to feel normal.
Our bodies are made to be able to deal with everything. But we have to pay attention to our minds so that our body doesn’t get out of control. So don’t ignore your fears, stress or unhappiness. Confront them. Question them. Deal with them. And you won’t have to deal with anxiety, because if you do this, the threat will be gone.
That is what worked for me and although my answer isn’t everyone’s, I hope to be able to help someone!
Find your fear and face it. | self.Anxiety |
Question about therapy Hi everyone,
I'm not sure that this is an appropriate place to talk about this, so apologies in advance if it is not.
I've been going to therapy for about two years now (on and off as I only go when I am at college) for depression, anxiety, and some other things. It's been helping a lot and my progress has been dramatic, which overjoys me. However, something is bothering me. A few days ago my therapist was asking me if I remembered why I initially wanted to start therapy, and if I'm getting out of it what I imagined. After kind of avoiding the question, he told me it's important to think about. While I'm thinking he mentioned this to ensure I am being productive and setting goals, a part of me is convinced that he is trying to get me to stop counseling altogether, and I keep obsessing about this thought. It pains me to think about him feeling that I am wasting his time with my insignificant problems or lack of sufficient effort. Can anyone help talk sense into me? Thanks for reading. | self.depression |
Has anyone gone through this? I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but I show more symptoms of bipolar disorder. Everyone can see it except for me. I deal with the ups and downs but I also deal with abandonment issues and cutting people out of my life quickly. On rare occasions I dissociate, have sensory overloads, and hallucinate (hasn't happened in quite awhile). I am also a self harmer. Everyone sees more bipolar symptoms though and I'm just wondering if I can't tell or if I am in denial. | self.bipolar |
Feel like I’m not accepted anywhere. Even online, on the games I play, it’s hard for me to make friends. I’m that much of a loser. I just want to disappear and have been thinking that for a long time, something is gonna trigger one day | self.depression |
Seasonal Affective Disorder is making my depression exhausting to manage. Around this time, I feel like I have way less energy to make it throughout the day, the week, the month. I'm so emotionally exhausted that it's making work really difficult to get through. It's so hard to get out of bed. It's so hard to be interactive and engaged with friends. It's so hard to enjoy the things I once did. It's so hard to be engaged with music, movies, TV shows, video games.
Before the winter started, I was able to manage my depression somewhat adequately. Sure I had my moments, but those moments were very brief, but I was able to function and I was active and engaging. It's like this every freaking year and sometimes it's a miracle I'm still here.
Now it's like it's bearing down on me with absolutely no abandon. Is there any advice as to what I can do for myself? My psychiatrist and doctor says that a UV lamp is the best way to treat it, but I've already tried that. Doesn't seem to really work. | self.depression |
Got out the house today, there was some bullshit. I left the house and went to a coffee shop to read. I stayed for over 4 hrs and put a sizable dent in my book. A girl I met once through a friend I no longer communicate with or consider a friend, former coke buddy and overall just a dumb girl, was there and trying to sneak photos of me to share with the group chat or one on one convo she was having with my former friend. She was text text texting away! I didn’t want to acknowledge her and tell her to stop, so I just moved to an angle she couldn’t take my photo. Later, I went back to my original comfy position and when I noticed her phone come up again I put my middle finger up on the side of my face she was trying to capture. It’s like when you are trying to cheat in class and you think the teacher can’t see you but duh they can see you! Eventually I moved to a corner seat I’d been eyeing earlier and eventually the girl probably got the picture she wanted when I got up to get another coffee and snack. I know this because when I glanced over in her direction she was “texting” with her phone up high in front of her face. So obvious! I didn’t care about her enough to not get up and do what I wanted in fear of her having the opportunity to take my picture. I thought she was over it by then but obviously not. It took a fair amount of work for me to get out of bed and not stay in all day and waste my day. I’m so proud of myself for going out and doing something I love to do, read a good book.
I’m also proud of myself for not giving a fuck that someone was trying to make me uncomfortable. In the past (several weeks ago), when my mental health is bad, something like what happened today would cause me to break out in a hive, elevate my blood pressure, my heart would beat faster, palms would sweat, I would turn red, become visibly uneasy and not even get up to use the restroom. Instead, I just focused on my book and felt very resolved in knowing these are women also suffering from some form of mental illness and I’m just grateful that in this moment I am healthy.
I’m looking forward to a goodnight’s sleep and by the grace of Allah a beautiful morning and day tomorrow. | self.depression |
What do you mean I have a panic disorder..?? Panic attacks.. No not me. I would have never said I suffered from panic attacks. I've seen other people and the classic symptoms.. it's crying and what not...
What do you mean my freak outs are panic attacks?? No way. I'm just a cranky bitch with no filter. I get angry at the drop of a hat and hate most every person I've ever met. I'm over all just a jerk.. How could that be an anxiety attack?
Like, there's treatment for this.. There might actually be some relief.. I could maybe possibly live a semi happy life and not ALWAYS feel like I'm barely hanging on... Fuck. Mind frickin blowing...
Where was this knowledge 20 years ago??? My Lord I cannot even imagine how much different my life could have been had I known.. Wow.. Panic attacks are not just crying and hyperventilating. I had no idea.
I'm not just an awful bitch that can't control herself... Dang!
They're frickin panic attacks. Wow. Just wow.
The things you learn. LoL. Sorry for the randomness but I seriously had no idea there was a whole other side to panic attacks. Maybe just maybe life could be manageable. | self.Anxiety |
If I had a gun, I wouldn't be here. I just don't wanna live anymore. I hate life just as much as it hates me. Every time I try to do something good for myself or better myself, I end up getting fucked over.
The American healthcare system fucking sucks and I'm too poor to see a doctor. I have no car, no ride, no money, no anything.
My dad's a strung out methhead and my mother passed away. My sad, self-destructive attitude drives all my "friends" away. They all wanna feel bad over it and offer to help until all I need is a shoulder to cry on and they just leave or ignore me. But that's okay, my problem is mine and mine alone, not theirs.
I feel like this every single day of my life. It's been years since I've felt normal. I wake up, lie in bed for hours contemplating why I haven't just ended it yet while I feel bad for myself. Most of the time I cry myself to sleep, trying not to be too loud as to annoy anyone else in the house. If I come to a family member, they'd just tell the rest of them. They always do with everyone's secrets. Then they'd just tell me how much harder their life was at my age, which is true, and it just makes me feel worse for feeling like this, like I'm taking life for granted.
I don't even know why I'm typing this out, I have literally nowhere else to go at this point. I know none of you actually care. You'll say you do, might even offer to talk with me for a little while. But deep down, you guys know you can't care for some random stranger. Here's to hoping I can find a gun sometime soon. | self.SuicideWatch |
FUCK i have been looking for a job for six months. today i had an interview and somehow my fucking application is not there in the system. like what the FUCK? i had to redo it all at the store and at the very last page then my fucking phone fucked up and i had to start over again. we interviewed anyway but i dont think i will get this fucking job once again. thanks for wasting my time yet again you fuckers. fuck my life nothing ever goes right. literally NOTHING good has happen to me after moving to this shitty little piece of shit city. everything was fine and i liked my job, why did i have to fucking move here. i wish my parents didnt love me so i could kill myself then i will finally be at peace. i dont care if hell exists because im sure its not worse than this. if there is a god he must fucking hate me. my life is going down the shitter, failure after failure after failure after failure fuck this world fuck the system FUCK YOU
FUCK | self.depression |
i don't want to do anything Hello.Its not some "ouu im so diffrent,im mental" thing.Since 2 or 3 years,my mental health going bad.Im trying to be normal but i just can't.I don't see any reason to study,reading some books,trying to be fit and healthy etc.I just dont want anything,everything is pointless.My grades are well,im not starving,had some friends etc.Im telling those things because everybody around me seems just fine,why am i the only one feels like shit,waking up with suicide thoughts,feel like everything i did and everything im gonna do is just pointless,this really makes me insane,i just want to die and i don't want to suffer anymore.I just don't enjoy life anymore.Sometimes a thought comes up my mind(thought like something bad i did before) and im starting to shaking or doing some foolish things that gets attention.i can't control it anymore.Please,what should i do.
I have ocd since i was 13 btw,obsessed with some numbers like 3,4,7 and obsessed with hygiene,grades,and thinking like "if something good happened,things are gonna go bad soon"
Thanks,have a gn
| self.depression |
She unblocked me, and I guess I'm still not over her. The other day, I found out that my ex-girlfriend unblocked me on Facebook. It brought back a flood of memories and emotions, good ones and bad ones. To be clear, we are not friends on Facebook, and we are not communicating. But just seeing her face and hearing her laugh reminded me of a time I wasn't so angry, jaded, and frustrated with myself.
I *shouldn't* miss her, but I do. She wasn't good for me. I wanted stability, and she didn't want to be tied down. She cheated on me in order to "force me to break up with her." So I did, and in a few weeks she reached out and due to some poor decisions on my part, we were back together. Later, I found out that in the interim, she was sleeping with an ex as a rebound. I don't mean to break the subreddit rules by shaming her for this, but it made me feel pretty worthless and replaceable. Still, we were together, until she convinced me to "open" our relationship to dating other people, got tired of talking to me about it, and finally broke up with me this summer.
Fast forward to now: She's happy, has had at least two relationships since then, and has moved back home. I moved to a new state and am in medical school. I am still beating myself up over her. I know it's not entirely true, but I keep thinking that if I had only handled things better, we might still be together, or at least be friends.
I'm so tired of feeling sad over someone who probably doesn't care about me at all. I am afraid of getting counseling, because if I'm diagnosed with anxiety or depression, this could affect my eventual licensing. I also don't want to be labeled as one of those men who "expect" something out of women just by being friendly, I know I don't deserve anything.
I just want to be happy, like she seems to be. | self.offmychest |
im so depressed i lost my job and failed out of school. wtf do i do now? [deleted] | self.depression |
It’s Christmas And... I do not wish to eat any food, but I feel obligated to. You may want to read my last post for some background information but, basically, it just doesn’t seem worth it considering the regiment I have to go through afterwards, which includes 30-40 minutes of cleaning my teeth. I’ve already had a meal today, and I could go a day or two without eating again. It’s stressful, and I worry that I might be damaging my teeth when I spend that much time brushing them. I do try to go easy on them and not use too much force, but I still worry... I tend to use more force on the molars at the very back as they are harder to reach and I just worry that I may miss a spot or two. I brush them, and other teeth as well, over and over again until I feel ready to move on to the next one/ones. Of course, I also thoroughly floss my teeth beforehand, and rinse using mouthwash afterwards. It’s tiresome... I’m just afraid of getting cavities.
I had improved a lot, but finding out I had cavities earlier on this week, and finding out that my psychologist, who is in her early thirties, has barely had any for as long as she has been an adult, both made everything a thousand times worse. I was this way a year ago and, eventually, I managed to cut down and stop worrying as much (I never stopped fixating on my teeth, and I never allowed myself anything that could damage my teeth). I probably managed to spend roughly five minutes on brushing my teeth.
I figured that, during the Christmas party, I’ll “forget” something at home so I’ll have to drive back home after we’ve eaten, and I can brush my teeth etc. back at home. It’s a bit embarrassing to spend this much time in the bathroom. Plus, I literally use up all of the hot water brushing my teeth.
This is difficult and I don’t think I could possibly just brush my teeth quickly afterwards. I have to be thorough. I have to do it after I’ve eaten, and I guess I’ll be missing in action for about an hour (I live close enough to be gone for no more than five minutes).
Some of you may point out that this sounds like OCD. I have indeed been diagnosed with it, and some members of my family are aware of this. It’s still embarrassing though. Besides, very few actually knows all of the details (if any). | self.offmychest |
Jealously I work in a place where I hear thousands of conversations a year.
And today I heard how someone had committed suicide.
My first reaction? Jealously.
(I didn't know this person. Or the people talking. So it had no "shock/emotional I know this person" value.)
Not sure if this is a normal feeling or reaction.
Not even sure why I felt this way. | self.depression |
Counselor says it's, "Pointless to continue" because I truly believe nothing can work. Severe constant abuse for most of my life has caused Complex PTSD, Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and even personality disorders. I've been in therapy for over 18 years (I'm in my late 20s). I've tried almost every med on the market. I've done 27 sessions of electroshock therapy. I'm on my 4th session of ketamine infusions. I know who I am and how I respond to every situation. I have very good reasons to believe there is no hope for me.
My most recent counselor had a really painful conversation with me yesterday telling me, "Nothing ever has worked these past 18 years or ever can work for you because you don't believe it can. It's pointless to keep doing it if you don't believe it'll work."
Now, I feel really torn. I don't get to choose my belief; if I lie and say I do believe it'll work, I'm lying and will have an explosive frustration episode later. (Trust me, I've been there done that.) I can't lie, it's not helpful. I also can't change my belief because of everything I've been through and the nearly two decades of treatment that haven't worked. I really do feel hopeless. To me, his words almost feel like he wants me to start flying around the room, as long as I can't do that then yeah, you're hopeless.
Thoughts? | self.depression |
How much does social validation matter to you? For me, social validation drives many of my social actions. During my studies, I wanted good grades to have something to brag about. During work, I want to perform well just to have someone say to me exactly that; that I do well, "and here's why...". My friendships are driven as such also by validation. Leads me to brag and to seek approval for what I do. I'm like a dog, because whenever I do something, I'll look for them to see if it prompted a response. How'd they react? How'd a person react to this? Once I'm fully validated, I'll move on to another friend, and the old friendship withers, along with my decency, as I realize I treat them as tools for my own well-being. More so, when that shallow well-being is ultimately at my own expense.
Right now I'm seeking validation from you guys that a need for approval goes along with depression. I'm trying to make you validate my depression. | self.depression |
Suicidal again, kinda wanne die kinda just want them to feel my pain [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Very specific help would be appreciated. Don’t worry if you can’t relate, it’ll all be okay. Medication conflicts. In short: Levothyroxine and Zoloft
I’m not sure where the ‘edge’ of suicide is, but I think I’m flirting with it at the point. It’s been a year and I cannot shake this episode. I tried Zoloft, but my blood tests came back with too many problems to continue Zoloft while I’m trying to bring down my TSH levels. I know I’ve got severe depression and it comes and goes. I entered a severe episode probably 6 months ago and I cannot shake it. It’s affected my life in every way. I can’t neglect my thyroid issue, because I don’t know if the thyroid issue causes depression or if they’re separate issues.
I’m already on a 225mcg of levothyroxine and not stable with my blood tests. (4.9 tsh)
When I take even 50mg of Zoloft my levels skyrocket to 12-14 tsh. Has anyone else had this problem?
I’m at my breaking point with this. I don’t know how to fix my depression and it’s getting dark in here. | self.SuicideWatch |
Trouble talking to someone. I've thought about talking to someone but I can't get past the feeling that they will start to worry way too much and I don't want to be a nuisance.
If I talk to either my mother or my brother they will probably force me to go back home or try to change my lifestyle somehow.
Am I overthinking this? Probably.
Has anyone talked about this to someone?
How did it go?
What measures did they take to help you?
I feel like hearing some other experience about this might make it easier to do myself... | self.depression |
Why can't I just die I can't do it myself I really want to die but I just can't do it. I sit here every night ready to die and I never am able to do it I'm sick of my life why can't I just kill myself why. Just let me die please I need the courage to do it. At least let me do one thing properly in my life and let me kill myself. | self.SuicideWatch |
Need a way to track mood, which app? Hey guys, I need an app that tracks my mood. I'd like the option to type in some general feelings and select different moods. I've heard of daylio and Moodtrack. Any suggestions? | self.bipolar |
Does anyone else just do whatever? I've made a list of things I can sort out to help myself but most of the time I don't stick to it.
Exercise
Sleep
Diet+Water
Socialise
Sunlight
Meditation
Music
Medication
Therapy
Job
Change thinking patterns
Goals, Routine, Purpose
| self.depression |
My neighbors stole my cat My long term neighbors recently stole my cat and I can't get him back. Worst of all, no one cares. My parents kicked our cat out originally because he wasn't really fit for the house but it didn't last 3 months before one of our neighbors stole him. My parents don't care and the cops don't either. They laughed at me and said they didn't believe me, even when I dug through my mom's files to get his paperwork from the vet.
I'm just really upset and it stings because when we first got my cat, he was just a baby. This old lady had wandered all around our neighborhood looking for someone to take him in and we were last to get a chance to see him. He was very small, and I had to bottle feed and finger feed him. No one wanted him back then, but now that he's grown, he's had all his shots and been taken care of someone stole him. That cat was like my baby and best friend. Every day I'd come home, feed him, clear the table in the back, put a tarp over it if it was wet and do my homework there. | self.offmychest |
What is the point man, god damn it. Seriously, what is the point. I am low-key having a panic attack right now (´▽｀)
This happens from time to time. Right now I am panicking because I can't see anything I do to be worth anything. It's all pointless.
Even if one day I like, become a famous artist, or whatever, i don't see any point.
Why shoudn't I kms right now? Anything I accomplish has no value. I don't care ;-; I wanna care, but I can't, it is just pointless.
The only thing I can, maybe, see giving me a reason to live, is if I had people that cared about me, like friends or a gf. But u know, I don't really have those :/ people I know are independent, they don't need me.
Goddamnit man ;-; | self.SuicideWatch |
Three years (poem) Three years:
It’s been three years sense my mother died.
I still cry sometimes
I still hurt
I still miss her
It’s been three years sense my mother died
Sense then my son has learned to talk
Sense then I turned 21
Sense then I got my G.E.D
Sense then I started collage
Sense then I drink to her every January 8th
It’s been three years
It’s been three years sense my mother died
I still dream about her
I still wish she was here
I still wish she could give me advice
It’s been three years
It’s been three years
My farther remarried
I wonder if he misses her too
I moved out of the house
I wonder if she’d be proud
I’m still depressed
I wonder if I need therapy
I can’t stop thinking of death
I wonder if I ever will
I’m scared
I wonder if she was
It’s been three long years
I still take it day by day
I still need her
I still miss her
I still hurt
I still cry
I wonder if the pain will ever go away
It’s been three years sense my mother died
And I can’t remember her face very well
I can’t remember her voice very well
I can’t remember our long talks very well
I can’t
I just can’t
It’s been three fucking years
And I still blame her
I still hate her
I still hate the fighting she did
I still hate all the times she wanted to kill my farther
I still hate so much about her
I still hate myself for hating her
I still blame myself for not seeing it sooner
I still blame myself for not seeing her on her death bed
I still hate myself for touching her at the viewing
I still hate myself for so much because of her
It’s been three dragging years
And I know I just have to carry on
And I know she loved me
And I know that it’s okay to cry
And I know that she’d be proud
It’s been three years, and finally I think I might be okay.
| self.depression |
Took my 11 year old dog to the vet I'm feeling pretty great today.
I have a mutt that I adopted 11 years ago, and he's my best friend. He's really smart to the point where he understands so much of what I'm saying and he does things to help me out with depression. If I sleep past 10 he wakes me up and if I'm in bed during the day feeling depressed he makes me get out to walk him. He started doing this all on his own.
When I'm feeling down I walk him because it takes my mind off things and makes me feeling like I'm bonding with someone. I usually end up walking him 3 or more hours a day and I spend so much time taking care of his health like hygiene and making sure he eats well.
He had his yearly checkup and I was pretty worried since he's 11 but every part of his health was perfect. Teeth, weight, coat, bloodwork showed he was extremely healthy. The vet told me I've taken really good care of him. He also acts really young for his age and he's always so happy and constantly moving around looking for things to do and wanting to play a lot. He never really lays still for that long.
I just feel really happy because a lot of times I felt I've hurt or bothered people with my depression but I've managed to channel it into something good and my best friend is alive, healthy, and happy because of me.
| self.depression |
Took meds late, missed sleep, don’t trust myself at work today I emailed my boss that I would be in and out today because I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve already been mild up for some time. I want to try and make up some sleep today if I can. My son got his breakfast and lunch ready himself so I could sleep in but I can’t sleep. I don’t know what point there is to this post but I just wanted to put it out there. | self.bipolar |
Not depressed but still I am It's funny how I feel... Sometimes I just want to disappear from this world, I just want to be alone forever. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to live either. I had cancer, lived like shit because my parents expected that I will die on my birth (as the doctors said), they never loved me, I have no good memories with them.
I was never happy. At least I never felt happy... No one ever loved me, no one ever said "I love you in the way you are"... It doesn't hurt me anymore but still I feel like empty shell, I feel like I'm dead already. Is it only me that feels this way? Can I take a rest from this life, please? :) | self.depression |
Sleep Deprivation on Purpose DAE sleep less not because their mind is busy, or they're restless, but because they seem to just keep themselves awake doing things into the night?
 
Also, would you call this a kind of "self-harm"? I usually see this term referring to kinds of violence toward the self; this doesn't really seem like that, but I know sleeping a few hours a day isn't good for you either. | self.depression |
I think i was an ocd child I never realized this until I was watching an episode of it's always sunny where Charlie's mom does everything in 3's. She does this to the light doors, everything in 3's so as to prevent her son charlie's death. As a kid I used to do everything in 4's. I had to touch everything in four's and do everything that way to prevent my mother's death, i thought. I saw her dying in a car crash if I did not do these things and so I felt forced to do them all the time. | self.offmychest |
I just feel so alone!!! Whenever I’m in a conversation w/a group of people, it seems that none of them seem to care what I have to say. They just keep talking to each other and don’t seem to mind me. I also feel different than everyone else. I know everyone is different, I get it, but I just feel like the quiet nerd kid who no one cares about but points at and says “he’s weird”. Why? I’m not interested in sports, I’m not social, and feel like a complete loser. What do I do for my spare time? I sit in bed on my fucking phone that’s what!! Is this all I have to offer to the world? The story doesn’t end there however. I grew up in a Mormon family, and my parents make me go to church and obey the teachings. I tell my parents that it doesn’t interest me however, and I don’t get anything out of it. It takes away my freedoms and everything I want to do. You all know how restrictive Mormons are right? They seem to worry about me now because they don’t think I’m gonna make it to the “Celestial Kingdom” or whatever it’s called. It really doesn’t interest me. I’ve just never been a fan of religion. I don’t like to believe, I have to know first. I’m not going to waste my life being told to believe in something that hasn’t been proven yet. So yeah, there’s a family aspect of it. Also with friends, I can’t find any friends! I’d like to say more, but I’m so tired right now. | self.depression |
Having a really hard time lately. I'm having a really hard time. I don't even know where to start. My life has been in ruins for years now. The upshot is that I've been living in a stable, safe home for the past 2 years (and for the first time in my life).
I keep making plans for suicide then chickening out. I tried to share the seriousness of my pain with my partner today and I think that all I did was make him feel scared and helpless. He doesn't know what to do to help me, and sometimes I resent that he doesn't try to get me out of the house or seem to care if I get out of bed at all. But I know that's not fair of me, he's doing the best he knows how to do.
Disordered eating is getting its claws into me again. Urges to self-harm. Stemming from the absolute rage and hatred I have for myself, and my desire to have SOME control over my life.
And I know if I did lose weight, I'll get tons of positive attention and people will tell me I look "healthy" because right now I'm fat.
I was without a psych doctor for a few years due to a bunch of garbage outside of my control. I got a referral as soon as I realized I wasn't going to be able to see my old (shitty) doctor any more, and spent a year and a half on a waitlist to see someone. I've had two visits so far with the new one. On the first visit, I had some hope. I managed to talk about painful things and he seemed to give a shit. On my second visit, he had no memory of meeting with me before and no notes about our meeting. He was dismissive and condescending. He tried to throw me out of the mental health program (with a 1.5 year waitlist) until I freaked out. Then he agreed to keep seeing me for now but then off-handedly commented that he's only a temporary doctor anyway. So now I have very little hope for outside help of any kind. | self.bipolar |
Fat People Disgust Me Fat people disgust me not just because they look terrible but because they're a drain on our medical system. Many weight-related diseases and problems can be avoided if people just take better care of themselves by eating a healthy diet and having some exercise.
I'm also sick and tired of the Fat Acceptance and Healthy at Every Size movement. They both actively encourage being fat, literally helping people into an early grave and absolutely crucify anybody who has the gall to point out that being fat is unhealthy and ugly.
I can't express this opinion in real life for fear of being called all manner of things, such as bigot, sexist, fatphobic etc. | self.offmychest |
New Year but Same Old Me Sitting in my apartment alone last night and watching all these people I know going out partying really made me realise how shit my life is. I was supposed to have a date but she cancelled on me for reasons that were pretty clearly made up. I'm just at that stage that I no longer believe things will improve. I'll make the effort to do something positive but then things will will just fall apart. I'm only 25 and I really have to question how much longer I can go on like this. I don't enjoy anything anymore and I'm just not right anymore. I've been having some very dark thoughts about hurting myself and I find them to be quite troublesome, they just seem to pull me into an even darker place. | self.depression |
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