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I started taking less of my mood stabilizer Now I just feel more irritable. My last bf convinced me that I don’t need antipsychotics and blah blah. I recently broke up with him cause he was kind of a junkie and has aspergers. I started going online dating apps again. I just feel kind of manic and sad about the break up. I wanna big buy my med again and get off online dating apps. | self.bipolar |
Support/advice about being jobless First, I'm very, very lucky in that my husband has a decent job that can support us so that I don't have to work if I can't. After my anxiety got so bad that I was having constant panic attacks, stopping by the side of the road to throw up almost every day, I had to take some time off and get my medicine sorted out.
Well, it's been two years and I'm somewhat better than I was, but still bad. I've been through five different medicines, all with varying successes. And even the thought of going back to the workplace makes me panic because what if I can't handle it again? It was a nightmare. There are few other careers I can really pursue where we live with my degree, so I'm a bit stuck in that one. And I've been out of the workforce so long, how can I explain my absence to an employer? "Mental breakdown" doesn't seem great.
I feel like a bum. I've been trying to start writing fiction because I've always wanted to do that, but I just hate everything I write. I volunteer for a few places but shortly learned I couldn't make a huge commitment anywhere because I'd panic and not be able to show up. Am I just commitment phobic? I don't understand what's wrong with me. I just want to do something with my life.
I don't want my whole life to be this way. I hate having to explain my employment situation to friends and acquaintances and people I meet, so socializing is difficult too. Everyone's first question is always, "What do you do?" I'm so frustrated with myself. | self.Anxiety |
My Wife's Anxiety - Suggestions? Hey guys,
First time posting here and I'm not too familiar with anxiety (in all honesty I'm probably too relaxed about everything). Unfortunately my wife (and somehow all of her siblings) deal with what seems to be pretty heavy anxiety. My wife is concerned and stressed about almost everything.
Unfortunately about a month ago she was in a car accident (the other driver rear-ended her while texting) and now she's has a ton of anxiety about just driving to work. We have a morning light for her to get some Vitamin-D (I believe?) that she uses but that's not really helping much.
Is there any over the counter anti-anxiety medication that anybody would recommend that she could take before going to work that also doesn't make you drowsy? Any suggestions would be appreciated! I'm just trying to help my wife feel less stressed in general. | self.Anxiety |
im over it ok so im 15, and sharing my thoughts here because i really have nowhere else to go or anyone to talk to.
I have always been happy, making other people laugh in nearly any situation. My closest friend and I started rowing together a couple years ago and we are one of the top pairs in the country. Its been a year since i knew i was gay. and nearly 3 months since i told his girlfriend, and a day later, him.
Those 3 months are the hardest i have ever been through, a mix of fighting, crying and suicide attempts. At first he was accepting, hoping i would get over everything soon and go back to normal, but they havent. I have gone stretches of up to 5 days without sleeping or eating, while still making it to train every day. I have on and off fights with him, and i find it hard not to get angry at him sometimes, even if im in love with him. i also fight with my mum every day, who has a drinking problem, and my dad is only home on weekends. i tried to kill myself 5 times now, and i was forced to tell my mum everything after a doctors visit from a failed overdose.
I know im probably going to be alone for the rest of my life, i hate the whole gay community probably more than anything else and the idea of being a part of it. maybe there is a perfect guy for me somehwere but ill never meet him. all my friends are in relationships and all i have to do is watch youtube or do nothing all day when im at home
The only real happiness i can find these days is weed or alcohol, and almost every day after a long day of school and then training is to just escape from everything and live either high or drunk for a while. I'm really not sure where to go or how to help myself from here. | self.depression |
oh well my therapist told me i'd never get better because i don't want to and i think he was right. how can i ever pretend everything is great if i'll just remember what made me feel like this in the first place | self.SuicideWatch |
Went off Lexapro for 5 days, how long until it starts working fully again? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Cutting Becoming Dangerous, Wanting Death All The Time Now I have been self harming since I was around 8 years old. At around fourteen it became a more serious matter, with cuts being deep enough to need stitches yet not super dangerous. Recently within the last month I have been cutting incredibly deep, the two times that I was forced to go to the hospital on requiring several internal and external stitches. I have also recently started to have auditory hallucinations due to a Traumatic Brain Injury after a horrible car accident. I have no support and now when cutting that deep I have been avoiding medical care and hoping to get them infected. Not sure what to do or why I am posting this, but I have no support and was hoping to find some here somehow. Thanks for reading and here is a cookie if you read all of this! | self.SuicideWatch |
I am 29, I want to commit suicide before I am 30 Nonsensical test below.
For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from OCD, motor ticks, depression and anxiety. Later on, around the age of 24 or 25, I developed a serious eating disorder where I dropped to 87 pounds. (I am 5'5" if that matters) My parents never took me to a doctor for the OCD and ticks. I was under 10 when they developed, they have footage from school plays when I started with facial ticks. There was also a time I threw out a diary because 'it was talking to me' (I had to fix all of the writing to make it perfect, or something bad would happen, but I couldn't explain that to my parents I was so young and didn't understand) I can't blame them, this would have been the early 90's, and I am not sure how aware mental disorders were.
Now I have gotten help. I am on anti-depressants, have spoken to multiple counselors and doctors, but my quality of life just seems to be so affected by my mental disorders.
I am independent thankfully, I have a full-time job that pays well in my field that I studied in, and I live with my SO. I take care of the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. I can't have him do those things because of my eating disorder, I am very picky and particular.
I don't know what the problem is. I feel trapped? Every time I'm in a relationship I want to run. I feel like I can't be myself. But when I am alone that's when my disorders take hold. I would binge/purge on weekends, and completely isolate myself. I have no friends.
I am struggling, and I don't want to live anymore. Thank you for reading.
| self.SuicideWatch |
Anyone else feel like their depression is worsened by summer? [deleted] | self.depression |
Never Getting Help Why do I feel like I'll never get therapy? I feel that no matter how bad my depressive episodes get.......I'll never get therapy. I'm sorta ok with that actually, not getting help. I just feel it's something that won't happen. I mean, I don't tell my parents how bad I feel, I'm not telling somebody else. My Dad has connected the dots that I've been depressed in the past, but he sorta kinda dismissed it. So I feel it won't happen, and I'm ok with that. I just bottle everything up like I usually do. However I can tell it's starting to manifest itself in weird ways. Like, suicidal fantasies. Short fantasies of me cutting myself, car crashes, extremely abusive relationships. Even though I should get help, I probably won't. But thank you for listening I hope you all have a wonderful day/night/evening/ Whatever time you're reading this. Get some ice cream or something nice for yourself.
P. S. Therapists are expensive AF!!! | self.depression |
I wish there was Tinder but just for lonely people hanging out [removed] | self.depression |
I'm at the lowest point of my mental health I've ever been. [deleted] | self.depression |
Conflict and negative feedback The recent post about anxiety and its impact on your personality made me think - I don't care, or don't want to care, about the opinions of others. I don't need to be seen as perfect and capable and intelligent and, above all of that, "good". Or at least, that's my personality, but not my current anxious reality.
Have you had any success in working through fears of conflict? Of getting in trouble? Of receiving negative feedback? A lot of the tips I read are reassurances for people who generally perform well but doubt themselves. But what about when we're really struggling, genuinely not at the top of our game, and could actually benefit from some feedback?
I think what I'm asking is: how do I put conflict and negative feedback (and the anticipation of it) in its proper place in my mind, rather than letting in inflate my anxiety disproportionately? | self.Anxiety |
Insomnia on Zoloft This is my first time taking antidepressants and I know it’s the right choice as my depression was affecting my job but I am hesitant and a total noob. Has anyone on here experienced insomnia while taking Zoloft? I’ve only been on it for 4 nights, but 3 out of 4 I was practically awake all night. I’m starting to think I should switch, but they said to try and last a week. Anyone else experience this before? | self.depression |
Trying to get through the night Trying to remind myself that this is temporary and it too shall pass if I could make it through the night. Scared of myself and these thoughts. Wishing I had someone to hold vigil until whatever this madness is passes. | self.SuicideWatch |
Welp Hi all,
I've officially sunk even lower than thought I ever could. Things led to another and I'm now through w a girl who promised we'd date. Idk how it even happened or why but it did and I feel sick and somehow emptier than before. Feels like everything out there to get me and it's getting on my nerves. | self.depression |
You guys... I took the first step. I'm finally going to get help. I've talked about anger being a motivating force. But I don't know if there's a more powerful motivator than shame.
I'm ashamed *because* I got angry last night. Long story short, I made an idiot out of myself in front of a bunch of my friends. To be honest, I don't think they understand the extent of what I'm dealing with. I can't just "get a job". I can't just "pull myself out of this." I've got so much anger and though I feel like it's justified, I'm still ashamed of it.
So the first thing I did when I woke up (early) this morning was call the crisis intervention center. I was surprised, they were able to get me an appointment at 11. The guy was very nice. He talked to me and then brought my dad in... it went a lot better than the last time I was there. Of course my mom was still alive for that... and trying to explain the shit she did was by far the most difficult part. This was TRAUMA. So was the fact that she died. I have no doubt in my mind I have PTSD, and I know I need therapy for that.
He said because he's not a clinician that he couldn't diagnose me, but he said it's most likely that I'm Bipolar 2... which I'd probably agree with. He mentioned that "rapid cycling" is more common with BP2, which I didn't know (any of you guys heard this?) My dad said he was surprised manic episodes last weeks, because "his only last for a few minutes!" Uh, no dad. Getting mad at you is not what manic means.
So, the plan. Get a therapist. Get a psychiatrist. I told him this was a little too much for me to figure out on my own, so he referred me to an organization that would be able to help me (who I called as soon as I got home.) Then asked me if with everything that's going on, if I would be down to try a partial hospitalization program. I told him I was, but it depended on where it was. I wanted to go to the "good" hospital in my area (the one I went to before was a dump) and he said that there apparently has to be a therapist/psychiatrist in place in order for me to do that. He told me the wait for the hospital was "three and a half weeks" (which I found pretty specific, so I'm counting on it) so... I guess I have to set up a therapist AND a psychiatrist by then. I'm still waiting on the referral organization to call me back. Fuck, I'm losing my patience here...
The past couple years of my life have definitely been the hardest thus far. I've been trying to help people/moderate on here and my other support groups, trying to make plans for my (inevitably uncertain) future... all while totally neglecting my own mental health. I thought I was fine because I was taking my medication. But... I'm not. I need so much more than this.
The only part that sucked was that he said he couldn't guarantee anyone could definitively say I was bipolar, other than a psychiatrist who saw me for an extended period of time. This really frustrated me, but my dad even more. He just can't make sense of any of this.
So yeah. Still waiting for that call. And I think they're writing up a report from what they wrote earlier. I'm just so glad I got this done. I just wish I'd done it sooner. | self.bipolar |
I've paid $30000 in the past year to people to be my friend or to be my girlfriend Title says it all. Thank fuck I have a good job but this isn't really sustainable. I make good money, but not $25,000 per year of disposable income to throwaway on fake friends.
Most of the time I find women online and offer them money to pretend to be my girlfriend online, I've had a couple of in person things too, but just hanging out never anything physical.
Same thing with friends, I've offered people from various websites to hang out with me for money. Gaming buddies or just people to talk to. People to go do things with. I pay for everything and give them a little bit extra on top of it.
The thing that kind of perplexes and upsets me is several of these people (both the fake friends and girlfriends) have said that I'm a interesting and good guy and they don't understand why I'm paying people. But when I ask if they will hang out without the promise of money I get denied...
I've cut down a lot but I'm still doing it. I think I probably would have killed myself if I hadn't had people to talk to, although I know what I really need is a therapist, which would also be infinitely cheaper.
Shitty thing is I'm more lonely than ever now. I don't have a family to fall back on so there is just... nothingness. If it weren't for these people I'm paying no one would ever talk to me aside from coworkers. | self.offmychest |
Lamictal/Lamotrigine made things so much worse I’ve had MDD for about 30 years. A few years ago I went on Lamictal, which caused intense and obsessive suicidal thoughts. I remained on it for months, hoping the urges would abate. They never did.
Now that I’m off lamictal - for years now - every time I have an episode I think about suicide constantly, obsessively. I never did that before. I don’t know how to get help for that. I have yet to meet a doctor or therapist who can discuss suicidal thoughts without going into “checklist mode”, assessing risk without really engaging on the subject.
I am afraid of myself.
Thank you for listening. | self.depression |
Thinking about ending it. Hey guys, so I gave myself one more week, since I have no more trust in doctor right now, Im turning to you at r/SuicideWatch/ to ask for some advice. I dont want to be locked in and bombarded with pharmaseuticals. I've been thinking about psilocybin/ayahuasca retreat center but it is so distant, I might got a job in 9 weeks but then aswell I've got to work for 2 months to be able to afford a trip down to the retreat i've been looking in to. sorry for the messy text, eitherway. My anxiety is that off, let's say I become a ufc professional, find a cure for cancer or stabilize what is wrong in society in some way, come up with anti gravity aircraft. whatever. you name it. I feel like I would still have this dreading anxiety and darkness.. like why and what is the point of all this. That is why I'm turning to psilocybin / ayahuasca in hope to maybe have an "aha moment" or atleast a carving into a new path. you know.. anything to get rid of this darkness, it is tearing me apart and im tired of it, the only reason I am trying to hang on is because I dont want to leave that hole for my family. But man, every miunute of every day is a battle right now.
TLDLR: Existential anxiety, what do I do? | self.SuicideWatch |
I can't find a job and its making me depressed! I moved to a different city so I could get experience working in a busy environment and improve myself as an employee. I only got this opportunity because the owners are my family, just as my previous job as well. This arrangement was only supposed to be short-term so I could add it to my CV and get work in another place but I've been applying all over the hoo-ha and nothing has come up, just rejection email after rejection email.
I went 6 months without a job, and Mum was telling me I was just being lazy (which was actually partially true) but I did try and apply for a shit load of places before I moved. I even got rejected by McDonalds, and a small locally-owned nutstore.
This whole situation is starting to make me feel depressed and worthless and I think there is something wrong with me.
I volunteered at places for a while to strengthen my CV, and when I go into stores to leave my contact details behind I shake their hands, introduce myself, speak loudly and boldly but politely and have a picture on my CV so they remember my face.
I feel like I've tried every trick in the book but it's all for naught. Is life just not for some people?
I know this probably sounds silly, but this whole unemployment thing is making me feel so stupid. I'm already chock full of insecurities, jealousy and poison and hate not being able to distract myself from all my dumb baggage. | self.depression |
Does anyone else hate board games or group activities? My social anxiety always goes riot when someone asks me to play. 😩 | self.Anxiety |
Oh boy, how I wish I was back in the day I was born! This is just some really stupid, silly and childish post I wanna make, not a big deal, I think, don't expect some tragedies from me here.
By my house, there is an indoor playground, and, for some reason, they play some EDM there as well, I'm not sure if it is for the kids, but, anyway... they open it for holidays and weekends. Today is a national holiday in my country, so, they're playing that music, and kids are there.
That music makes me nostalgia about 2014, which was the best worst year of my life. The best, because I was surfing on endless hours of gaming in my Steam account, playing Modern Warfare 2, Borderlands, Mafia II (God bless Gabe for those summer sales, btw), Battlefield 3, etc; and, at the same time I had a crush on a girl at school, but I was too afraid to approach her, even though we were friends, I couldn't make stuff happen. And ,well, she was minding her own business, if you know what I mean, and that would hurt me hard, as I was not receiving as much attention as I wanted. I know it's not much of a deal, like, it's just a crush, everyone goes through it, but, it was too late for me to feel that, I was 15 already, and never tried anything before, because I spent, and still spend most of my lifetime locked in my bedroom being useless.
Because of that, I came to realize how inferior I am, not even being able to have a relationship everyone else can get, because I'm a coward, I'm not even willing to try, not even failing, because I never try, at all, because, anyway, I will end up failing miserably and getting humiliated!
After I feel nostalgious about that time, I immediately feel nostalgia over every other periods of my life, and I'm always wishing I was back at the day I was born. If it was possible, I would turn the opposite way I have gone my entire life.
When I was a little kid, a pretty intelligent and loved one, I made the dumb decision to go to school, in fact, the worst decision of my life, even though my parents weren't for it, as they would home-school me, and everything would be just fine, but no, I always make the worst possible decision, don't I? So, I went to that god forsaken damned school, frequented by not so kind people, you know. I was abused physically and mentally, boys would beat me for no reason, would take my stuff for no reason, would walk all over me, girls would look with disgust at my face, even though I done nothing, and always tried to be nice, because, well, I was way too innocent to realize that there was evil people around. I never talked about it with my parents, nor with someone else. But when my parents came to realize things didn't seem to be right, they applied me in another school, and we had the illusion that there would be frequented by decent children, raised by certainly decent people. Things seemed ok for a while, but, abuse started over again, this time, not much physically, but a lot mentally, and, in the end, would be rejected by everyone else. Once again, I done nothing, I tried to be nice, because that was what my parents taught me. But then, why would that even matter? I was the weakest one everywhere I went anyway, so, of course I would be punished by nature, because, well, THE WEAK SHOULD FEAR THE STRONG, shouldn't they?
Then, I would go to a middle school and, well, just avoid everyone else for the fear of stuff happening again, and, even though it worked most of the time, I would get punished once in a while for the crimes of doing nothing. Then, we would move to another town, so I had to leave school, and never found another school in that other city, so I just went nowhere, and tried studying at home by myself.
I don't know why the hell, but, I never dedicated myself to studying, never, ever did, even though I had such a special and peculiar intelligence, which will never come back again.
Then, I wouldn't study, wouldn't go out, would just be sitting in this room, doing nothing but browsing mindlessly the web.
So, well, I think I went too long for this text, but, continuing what I was saying, if I was given the privilege of getting a fresh start, at that September the 13th, I would just turn the opposite way I have gone my entire life.
I must understand, once again, this was a pretty silly text, but, I'm a pretty silly person, way too immature for my age, in fact, I think my childhood hasn't ended yet, because I can't get over it. You see, I have this feeling that I messed my life up even before it started, and I'm still making bad decisions and doing the wrong things every day, and, I just have no hope I will do good in the future. Can someone help? I'd really appreciate some attention here. | self.offmychest |
I'm too irresponsible and carefree to be a married adult. When you realize that you only want the fun side of being married, not the adulting part. Now I don't know what to do. I need to get a house or decide to move out of this country. My wife is demanding that we have a plan, I just want to coast and make good with what's here and now. Aside from growing the balls and being a man, what should I do? | self.offmychest |
Exhaustion and zoloft I started taking zoloft a couple of days ago and I've found myself extremely exhausted. I can never take naps and I took a two hour nap yesterday. I know the quickest fix is taking it at nights instead of mornings- but any ideas on how to combat the exhaustion currently while at work? | self.Anxiety |
Contemplating life... Hello I’m a 16 year old male. While this may seem like just teenage angst posting on here it’s not. I’ve been depressed for about 3 years now been on meds for about 1 year and they haven’t really helped me at all. My parents are constantly fighting and I’m pretty sure they’re both cheating on each other. My grades have been bad all of my high school career as a junior and I’m constantly scared for the future and what my pathetic life would hold. I would try to talk with the counselors at my school but I’m too embarrassed to. I’m also really jealous of people I’m in a class of at least 600 graduating and hundreds are on the 4.0 list I always get jealous and beat myself up. I keep telling myself I am a failure I don’t know what kind of colleges would even accept me at this point. Sometimes I feel relief just thinking about putting a rifle to my head, and ending it all. Pretty sure no one would actually care anyways | self.SuicideWatch |
How much agony is normal? Really, how much pain is expected to be tolerated? We all have a breaking point, where’s the happy medium?
I have been stuck in intense pain for extended periods of time without respite and thinking how long can I keep this up. I’m only human. The predicament is beyond my means of control, I’ve done all I can externally to change it for the better.
The physical pain eventually bled into depression so now I have a cocktail of both to contend with. Hopelessness can’t ever be conquered it seems, only mitigated time after time.
| self.SuicideWatch |
What is wrong with me? (Short post) It will be a quick post because it's 4am here and I want to sleep even though I can't do that with this thought in my mind. I have a best friend who is the same sex as me. He is also my only friend. Recently I had a thought that our relationship started to become more romantic? I don't know if it's just my imagination. Now I think about him a lot. I'm straight as far as I know, also I don't feel sexually attracted to him. I don't want to lose him because of that. I'm asking for advice, I'm so confused... | self.depression |
I hate this time of year I hate the end of the year, the false happiness and joy that everyone seems to project. Having to pretend to be fine or risk being yelled at by family for being depressed. Not to mention having to start a whole new year of this shit knowing it will never get any better.
Joy to the world indeed. | self.depression |
My trips home make me realise how depressing University is to me Uni for the most part hasn’t been great. The only things that stood out to me so far are the socials that I’ve attended and the friendships that have been made. But that’s about 20/30% of my overall experience.
I’m “friends” with my flatmates. I’m fine with them, but there’s no common ground, I’m completely different to them. I’m from an entirely different culture while they’re all part of the same English culture. I don’t get invited out, because I’ve declined most of the time, but it’s no big deal to me. I’d rather stay inside my room and draw or play video games.
Where it really gets depressing for me is when I think about all the people I’ve met and how they’ve already formed these long lasting bonds with people, while I’m still alone. I’ve spoken to some people but I don’t speak to them regularly, because there isn’t anything to talk about. I don’t want to risk having to be alone again like I spent my last year at school. I just hope that I find people who I’ll be good friends with, who I can feel happy around and I can see them as family. I don’t want to be alone anymore. | self.depression |
After blacking out this weekend from drinking so much, I think it's time I made some changes. Depression and alcohol for me have always gone hand in hand unfortunately (I know it's not a good combination). This weekend, Friday to be specific really changed some things for me though. I ended up getting cancelled on Friday night by a couple friends, so I decided to hit up my favorite bar. Had a decent start to the night, my favorite bartender was there which was nice, but like I do sometimes, I went way too overboard with drinks. Didn't even feel the build up, just a cut to black and then my dreams. Woke up the next day by some miracle in my own bed, covered in sweat, naked, with my jeans covered in throw up and a decent bit of money missing from my wallet. All yesterday I felt like I was on the verge of dying and damn it, I just hate myself sometimes for doing this to myself. After doing a lot of thinking over the past couple days I think it's high time I made some real changes in the way that I've been living my life. I HAVE TO do better for myself. I can't keep living like this, it just isn't sustainable. Wouldn't mind someone to talk to about this? I'm so humiliated and down on myself about it, I really can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my usual circle about it. Depression buddies wanna help instead? | self.depression |
Anyone near Philly? Need company very badly. I'm 24F in Lansdale, Montgomery County outside of Philadelphia PA in the US.
Just hoping to find someone else who needs a friend.
It's after 5pm and all I've done today is sleep and cry. I don't have anybody nearby I can call for company. I need people I can spend time with who will understand and not judge me for being a mess. I feel considerably less shitty when I'm not alone.
I have one very good long distance friend but I am always afraid that I'm draining him emotionally with my bullshit, even though he says I'm not being too much.
My family lives 2 hours away and they don't answer my phone calls anyway.
I have a close friend that's like a sister but she has a small child and is often busy with his needs.
My roommate is never home.
"Friends" don't text me back and I can't figure out what the fuck I'm doing wrong.
Just fantasizing about jumping off the new SEPTA parking garage in town.
I have a 9-5 and when I'm there I feel like I hate my life, but on weekends or when I'm alone after work it's even worse because there's nobody around. | self.depression |
How come my best friend doesn't care if I'm suicidal... I don't understand.
I feel so hurt. | self.depression |
Clumsy Switched my seroquel to 300mg and now I'm clumsy as ever. Has anyone had that with seroquel? Horrible clumsiness and just general falling over? It's driving me insane. I also take lithium, depakote, risperdal, lexapro, topamax, and primadone. My lithium levels have been borderline high.. I see all my doctors tomorrow so this will all be brought up, just curious if anyone has dealt with this. | self.bipolar |
If life had a reset button, I'd hit it [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Feeling lost I have GAD which I've had all my life but recently it's been really bad and I've been having panic attacks most days. I've also been really struggling to eat as a big symptom for me is feeling nauseous. I've tried everything it seems, ginger, crackers, BRAT, no gluten, no dairy, anti-nausea tablets, it seems like nothing works.
I have a full-time job and they seem to be understanding about it but I have that constant feeling that my 'time is wearing thin' or that soon they'll 'get sick of it'. I know that stems from me and no pressure from them but today I took a sick day and was open that it was due to anxiety. I woke up feeling really really sick and just couldn't face getting up and commuting feeling on the edge of throwing up. The thing is I never do throw up and so I feel like a weak person for not going in.
Yesterday I went in and stayed all day but was completely unproductive because the day was spent either having a panic attack in the toilets or sitting at my desk trying to keep the panic at bay.
I really try not to take time off work but there are obviously times where I just feel too overwhelmed by the physical effects of anxiety (like today. These days are awful because I take them off but punish myself all day by beating myself up for taking time off, convincing myself everyone at work is sick of me.
I've tried to be very open with my team and manager just telling them that I have anxiety and occasionally, I'll have to take time out but if it is effecting my work/causing a problem please tell me and we'll try to find a work-around. They've all been very understanding and lovely but I just am constantly paranoid that they're going to end up hating me. I know this is totally irrational because I get on with everyone really well and I also know that, actually firing me for this, would be very difficult as they pride themselves on being forward thinking in terms of health and wellbeing and I've been very open including offering doctor's notes etc and been referred to OH. I know my rights under the Disability Discrimination under the Equality Act (I'm UK-based) so getting fired is not actually a massive fear for me, more humiliation of coming across weak.
I feel like I'm doing all I can atm including:
- Trying to go about my daily life as much as possible
- Eating healthy and small portions often (when I can)
- No caffeine or alchohol
- Doing exercise most days
- Staying off screens before bedtime (to avoid bad sleep)
- Weekly therapy
- Meditation
Yet still, my anxiety is through the roof. My main fear is that this will just be my life from now on. I was on Escitalopram for a year until recently and tapered off because I felt more depressed on them and they didn't ease the anxiety massively. I don't want to try another one because the process of going on then feeling depressed then tapering off was so hard for me, I'm just worried it'll happen all over again. However, maybe I should just bite the bullet if there's a possibility a new anti will help.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking to hear but I just know that today will be spent beating myself up for being too weak and pathetic to go in to work.
I just feel so depressed and although I have amazing, understanding friends, there's only so much they can understand. I feel so isolated. Guess I just wanted to rant to people that understand.
| self.Anxiety |
"just get a blood test to see the chemical imbalance in the brain" -_- America's 'mental health crisis' came up in the office and one lady said- "well, they can just go to their doctor, get a blood test, find out the chemical imbalance in their brain and the doctor can get them the right medication. I don't see the problem".
People's ignorance is staggering sometimes. I don't really blame them because I'm sure I'm ignorant of a lot of things that dont affect me, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.
Edit: it's also frustrating that the people in power try to write everything off as a part of a 'mental health crisis' then try to make it harder for people to get insurance to get help. Ugh. | self.bipolar |
PDoc just told me to stop all meds? I'm worried I might be in some kind of mixed state so I got in touch with my pdoc. I received my dx last December so we're still trying to figure out the med game. Unfortunately I haven't been very responsive to meds. Somewhat responsive, but still all over the place. My current cocktail is Lamotrigine (300 qd), Bupropion (300 qd), Modafinil (200 qd) and NAC (1200 bid).
Pdoc just told me to stop all my meds--I already have an appt with him on Thursday, but wtf?!
Has anyone ever heard of this?
Is it normal for a pdoc to abruptly stop all meds? Should I be terrified or excited or... what? I've never been given less meds without asking. This is either amazing or horrifying.
| self.bipolar |
Living with permanent/persistent afflictions (Post Finasteride Syndrome) So I strongly believe I have had post finasteride syndrome for the last 4 years. It's not well-understood, but from what I gather from all my years of constant research, it's essentially a condition where your hormonaI levels, mostly sexually and mentally, match that of an 80 year old man. It is caused by finasteride, a legal FDA-approved drug for hair loss, It's like going through male menopause(andropause), except I'm now 26. I feel like I'm constantly hungover with a fever all day every day, with no sex drive or any drive at all.
Nothing helps at all, whether it be eating healthy, resting constantly, running constantly, or working out constantly. It's absolutely devastating, because before I had a fire in me ready to conquer life and whatever challenge came my way. Now, I struggle with even the smallest tasks.
I feel so isolated because there's little hope and not many doctors even acknowledge that a drug can cause lingering problems four years after you stopped. But my symptoms and time and method of onset (all at once a couple weeks after I stopped) match spot on with what the other sufferers online experienced.
Does anyone else have any permanent ailments here? I know depression is a persistent condition in and of itself. Anyone just want comment on their depression? I'm kinda new to it but it looks like it's here to stay. If this keeps up, is there a way to get disability support or anything? Cuz I feel like one day I might be pushed to suicide if I have to work and everything else to support myself. I feel pathetic for even saying that. | self.depression |
Anyone else depressed by long commutes? Due to my lack of car ownership and low income, I often have to take some extremely out of the way public transit to get between home and work. And the journey is just really defeating day after day.
Does anyone else here get depressed by their commute? Of course other things depress me too, but the commute is bad. | self.depression |
Desperation of isolation In my entire life i've been affiliated with knowledge, leadership and being a good listener. All these things should in my mind lead to friends or healthy relations to others. But then there is this reality which is the prison of us many, we whom been cursed by the brand of doubt and see all that is evil. I truly understand suffering over my years with this curse, this mark of exile.
The lack of friends and connections to those around me, haunted by their laughs and with thair puny problems... I would really just like to meet those people who see the world as i do, a world of horrors on a shadowy road lit by the searing happiness of those around me... and with all that in mind I've seen that horrors fade and the path becomes clearer as friendships establishs. Yet all these things are just observations from a fellow observer of thruths... | self.depression |
Newly diagnosed, struggling to accept and confused about new psychiatrist diagnosis I had a manic episode which turned into full-blown psychosis after a week.
I was diagnosed bipolar with psychotic features in the hospital due to the mania and psychosis.
Later I was directed to a clinic. The clinic psychiatrist who seems very uninterested in hearing the full story wanted to diagnose me with Schizoaffective because I was paranoid during my manic episode.
My history is depression and this episode(which was not psychotic at first). Is paranoia during an episode grounds for a Schizoaffective diagnosis? I'm still very scared and confused during this time. I worry constantly about how functional I'll be regarding life and handling this diagnosis.
Should I listen to the hospital diagnosis or the (bad) clinic diagnosis? I don't feel I have psychotic features or psychosis outside of that first manic episode. | self.bipolar |
So far a pretty shitty start to 2018. Within just two days I managed to drive a close friend out with my own conflicting emotions, be hit with 4 dysphoria attacks, and continue to feel abandoned, neglected, and blatantly ignored by the people that I consider my friends. With my current home life I don't have access to therapy either and truthfully, I don't know how much that would help.
I fucking hate being like this. I fucking hate having such conflicting emotions all the time, I always want to go to my friends for help but every time I try, I chicken out because I feel like I'm pressuring them, or that I'd just be even more of a burden to them.
At least I still have some things to help cope, I suppose.
Hooray to another shitty year of a shitty life. | self.depression |
friends that hate me I hate them for hiding their resentment. I hate that I can't just cut them off and then just be fully isolated from their judgement. though then again, i would be totally alone if i did that. They have a valid reason to be mad at me but it's been so long... why are they still acting like I'm a POS? I sacrificed everything for them. I'm still always going to be the odd one out. And it's so hard to make new friends in community college. Especially without a driver's license. I go to an Alateen group. I have some support there I guess. But everyday I just... it's all nothing. I'm so alone. I have like three friends but theyre the ones that lowkey hate me. maybe it's not hate just indifference. Sucks. | self.depression |
Anyone have any cures? Anyone have anything they do that helps stop feelings of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts? | self.depression |
Wrong friends maybe I don’t know If you’re supposed to surround yourself with people who are supportive and mentally healthy why did I choose all friends who have depression or anxiety or other issues and not mentally healthy individuals. Maybe I just wasn’t the right candidate for a “normal” relationship? I don’t know... it definitely doesn’t help sometimes when we all stuck at once
And then I have that one friend who is literally a sociopath I think he thinks our relationship is advantageous to him but I admire how he pursues his desires and includes me | self.depression |
Spending an extended amount of time in a foreign country and meeting my boyfriend's family In a few months I'm going to study abroad for a semester. I'm really excited and grateful for this opportunity but at the same time I'm a nervous wreck. My boyfriend and are are currently in a long distance relationship but he lives in the country I'm going to (yay) so I'm looking forward to spending time with him. That being said, there are a couple of things that terrify me.
First of all, the language barrier. I took a few years of this language in school and I understand it very well. I'm that person who can write an A+ essay in class or watch a TV show and understand 90% but can't hold a basic conversation. My communication skills are just...nonexistent because I've been too nervous to practice, literally. Most of the time I'm too nervous to even practice with my boyfriend. He wants me to meet his family but none of them speak English and I'm afraid that they'll judge me or think I'm stupid. I KNOW this is irrational but to put this in context, his mom tried talking to me over skype and I smiled and waved but was too nervous to respond to her. After we got off the phone I was so embarrassed that I cried a little.
Then there are little everyday things. For example, getting from the airport to the hotel. In order to do this, I have to find my way around the airport and figure out how to find a taxi service. Doing this at home would terrify me, so I have no idea how I am going to do this in a foreign country.
When I get anxious, I feel sick to my stomach, I can't breathe, and I forget everything. But the aftermath is worse because I end up feeling humiliated and stupid.
I want to make the most of this once in a lifetime experience but I'm afraid my anxiety will ruin all of my opportunities. Does anyone else have experience with something like this? | self.Anxiety |
Why do I feel like the only person truly alone I don't mean feeling alone with other around and I don't mean you don't have a romantic partner. I mean you literally have no one. No family, no friends, nothing. It seems like everyone has either someone they care about or someone that cares for them. Someone that would care if they disappeared. It seems the will to live stems from having your existence acknowledged and knowing that you matter to even just one person. Or at the very least, caring about your own life and believing that someday you can find people.
Please don't tell me something like "We're all alone" because it's not true. Most people have or have had at least one person. And if they don't, they believe they will one day when they reach their goal. What if you have no person and no goal and truly believe you never will or can? I don't want false hope. I want to end my suffering here and now. | self.SuicideWatch |
Does anyone else feel like everyone else sees them as a monster? By appearance, I look quite mean. I'm a big guy. Lumberjack like. I'm quiet/don't really talk much. I shave my head, have a beard and have a resting stoic face.
I feel people get uncomfortable around me. It really hurts my feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone and I just want to be able to be me. | self.Anxiety |
Life is excruciating I'm 18. Life just feels like a miserable cycle of depression, misery, anxiety, anger, stress and nothing seems to really fulfill me. I feel i was born and i'm forced to live like this and i don't want to.
I haven't done anything in my life to make my parents proud-in fact i probably made their lives even worse. My dad didn't even want kids in the first place. Now don't get me wrong-my parents do love me and i would probably kill myself already if they didn't. But they seem like they care less and less every day.
I just feel like such a piece of shit, like i shouldn't have been born in the first place. I lack emotions and i lack any will to do anything. I don't have any motivation to do anything with my life. I feel like i'm never gona find love, because of a lot of stuff that are wrong with me. I'm ugly as fuck. Like i have to be realistic. I'm just an ugly guy. I'm pretty cold. You know like, there are some guy that are ugly as fuck but at least they have something interesting about them that is attractive, they're charismatic, maybe they have a lot of money. I don't have anything interesting about me, i'm awful, broke, depresesed, miserable. No one wants that.
Apart from life circumstances being shitty and me not having real friend any time in my life, being poor my whole life, i also find life to be uninteresting. At least the life im living. The people that are my friends are not my real friends. They don't really care. I'm realizing that more and more and it hurts. Becausd i thought that at least i had a few friends. NOPE. No friends. No one. I'm completely alone, and that doesn't help either.
This entire week i been thinking about doing it, i been thinking of what to do and how to do it. I will like to experience everything that i possibly can before dying.
I thought of just dying by dehydration. Like just starving and not drinking anything and waiting to die. I think that is a okay way to go. I haven't seen anyone with this idea tho. I thought about just going somewhere in a forest with some stuff there. Maybe some pills that will help numb the pain if i experience any. And then just waiting for my organs to fail.
I'm not afraid of death to be honest. I just feel that life isn't for everyone and some people just shouldn't be here and that's okay. It's really sad. I wish we lived in a different world where there's no mental illnesses, no cancer, no stupidity, selfishness, people being pieces of shit, poverty and all other awful things that are a part of this life.
hanks to everybody who bothered to read this, btw im from serbia and not murica. Everybody who read this would be the first person to actually care to listen what i have to say, fuck.
| self.SuicideWatch |
Fell hard for a guy after 4 years of drama, missed my chance by a month. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Swinging up and down but I have to ride it out I’m swinging up and down but my pdoc thinks it is because I’m still recovering from pneumonia I had about a month ago.
Today I’m stuck at work. I know what needs to be done but I can’t make myself do it. I want to quit my job.
My husband has been happy in the bedroom so I definitely think I’m on an upswing.
Aaahhhhjhggh | self.bipolar |
How worried should I be about the seizure risk from Wellbutrin? I just recently got prescribed Wellbutrin XL 150 mg for my depression. If this matters I’m suppose to take it once every morning for 5 days then 2 every morning. This is the first medication I am taking and I’m really paranoid!
I heard this makes you have a higher chance of getting seizures, and honestly that alone is making me not want to try it. How do I know if I’m susceptible to getting seizures? I don’t drink and I haven’t had a history of seizures. I heard if you are anorexic you shouldn’t take it because of the seizure risk. I don’t think I am anorexic, but I do skip meals often because I want to watch my weight (even though I am average weight). I don’t feel gross when I eat food though. I do get lightheaded easily if that correlates in any way? Should I be worried about the seizure warning? Has anyone else had this worry before taking Wellbutrin and what was your experience..
Also, I am going on vacation out of country on December 13 for a month. I was wondering if taking this right now would be a good idea or if I should wait until after my vacation. | self.depression |
I feel like absolute shit Hi guys. I have a family that loves me, I have food and shelter, I should be happy right?
Nope. I've been depressed since I was 15 at least. Only went to the doctors for it about a week ago. Got put on an SSRI. Hope it works but probably won't.
I'm so tired of it all. Of not being able to do anything, feeling like my very soul is just exhausted, my brain is foggy my head feels heavy, I'm failing at university and I don't even give the slightest shit, I've been in bed for the past almost 4 hours trying to sleep with no luck. On top of it I have the side effects of the medication; nausea and headaches and all that bullshit.
Is this what my life is like? Is this how I'm gonna feel for the rest of my life? I just want it to stop I can't take it anymore :( to make matters worse my parents are in denial and say it's because of my lazy nature or uni stress or poor diet and that I don't have depression and they don't want to be worried about me... okay sorry for worrying you dw I'm cured!
Smh. | self.depression |
I'm anxious cuz I drink too much sugar my mom always gave me lots of candy and the dentist would yell at my dad cuz I had more cavities than any other kid and
my parents say I can only get a 12 pack of beer a week on friday and I'm the guy that drank 22 beers in two days when my bro helped me get a second 12 pack once, and I got a 12 pack of guinness and drank that in a day and I didn't even feel that buzzed at all
so they say I should drink soda cans instead and my mom has my dad get like lots and lots of soda can boxes at the grocery store and I drink over at least 9 soda cans at day
but now my mom says that if you drink two soda cans a day, it ends up you'll get altimers (idk how to spell that right, the disease where your memory isn't good) early
and I don't rly eat any fruits or vegetables.
Someone I knew took pills that had slices of fruits in one pill and sliced up vegetables in the other pill, and that person's mom was a nurse and she made the pills for them. But they didn't like me I guess and they never gave me any insight on that.
I'm worried cuz my mom told me just now tonight about the soda thing.. how can I be more healthier?
I also feel like I don't belong anywhere.
My brother's ex-girlfriend told me that maybe I'm mad at my mom because (something nsfw I can't say I guess) and I talked about it on the Discord and they said that's inappropriate to talk about. then I complained about it here and my thread got removed for 'not being related to anxiety' I guess and I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I got banned from other anxiety discords and the buildapc discord and I don't try to do anything bad.
I wanna say more but I'm worried cuz I think I was told the stuff I said on the anxiety discord is inappropriate and I'm worried the stuff I wanna say is inappropriate now but anyways um
I'm worried that I'm not healthy enough ;-; and that my life will end badly | self.Anxiety |
Anger/attacking as sleep approaches - what could this be called? (Dysphoric hypomania?) First post after lurking. Married couple w kids. M53, F50. She is often very pleasant during the day, about 20% of the time shows a slight moody downturn around sundown time. The real problem is about 5-10% of the time she'll get really moody at bedtime (around 11pm) and starts attacking me. Stuff like:
"You don't pay attention to me as much anymore" (I pay her tons of attention)
"When will you find a better paying job?" (My job pays pretty well)
Sometimes it gets into the realm of paranoid accusations: "You're secretly texting [name of some woman] aren't you?" (I absolutely am not)
It gets at it's worst when we're both side by side in bed and lights are out. She'll attack on one topic, and I do my best to calm and re-assure her. There will be about 30-45 seconds of silence (I can almost hear the wheels in her head turning) and she'll switch to a different complaint topic. The topic is almost irrelevant, she just wants to attack. About half the time I leave and go to the couch to let her fall asleep on her own (and come back to bed after about 30-60mins). There is absolutely no reasoning with her when this kicks in. It's gotten so bad sometimes that the topic of divorce comes up during these late night episodes. There were a few times her (mania?) got so bad she was able to keep ranting until 2am.
(It vaguely reminds me of when our kids as infants would get "overtired" and not be able to sleep, just get more irritable.)
Yes, menopause is approaching. Yes, I track her periods and it sometimes coincides with PMS but but mostly not. And yes, sometimes she's had an evening glass of wine or two. (I barely touch alcohol myself)
The next morning she's fine. Often even huggy and touchy and expressing her love for me. She can be ultra pleasant all day long, and yet go into an episode in the last 15-30mins of the day before bed.
Does this look like it might fall within the realm of Type II Bipolar? But what specifically would this be called? What is a name I can give to it to research it more? It seems to show some elements of hypomania, but in a dysphoric, not euphoric way. (Dysphoric hypomania?) It's definitely related to end-of-daytime and possibly tiredness.
| self.bipolar |
Tomorrow i'm killing myself. I can't take it anymore. I have a decent life yet i seem ungrateful and i hate myself. Goodbye reddit, thanks for your help through the months | self.SuicideWatch |
Has anyone else ever thought of depression as a mental parasite? Depression changes your behaviour and perception, changes the way you view things.
It isolates you from society and makes you avoid the help you need to get rid of it.
It also causes you to feel physical pain.
To spread itself it would make you either kill yourself to trigger sadness or depression in someone else or it would make you act in ways that would trigger depression in someone else.
I dont know how I've come to that idea, and I doubt there could exist such a thing like a "mental parasite" - but ever since I view my depression as an enemy living inside me I often depict it as a parasite to myself.
Have you ever thought of your depression as your enemy instead of a mental health issue you are trying to survive? | self.depression |
Does anyone elses depression get worse at night? I think a lot of has do with not doing anything all day and just makes me feel like shit. The darkness doesn't help my mood either.
Edit damn I really thought it was just me. Sorry everyone depressions a bitch. | self.depression |
I'm in love with a girl that I haven't seen or spoken to in 3 fucking years This girl is everything I have ever wanted in a girl. We both have the same interests and obsess over the same things. She is really attractive and the cutest girl I have ever known. We used to be close a few years ago but a lot happened. I fell off the side of the Earth hard. Was really depressed, tried to kill myself, taken to a hospital where I stayed for a month before I was let out and eventually began to become a better person but not before losing everyone I talked to. People used to message and text me all the time but I never responded. I didn't have it in me to tell them what was really going on in my life.
Time went on, I forgot about this girl. She randomly messaged me last month (it has been 3 years at this point with no communication) just asking what's up and where I have been. We got into a standard conversation (she still doesn't know what I went through, and I don't plan to tell her anytime soon) where we basically told each other what we were doing in our lives. I really wanted to ask her to hang out but thought that might have been too fast, idk. What sucks is I messaged her again a week later just saying what's up and she didn't answer, I was gonna see if she wanted to hang. What do I fucking do at this point? I never lost feelings for her but I don't know how to go back to talking to someone who I haven't even seen or spoken to in 3 years. It's such a shitty situation.
| self.offmychest |
It's weird how hard it is to speak (to anyone) after not talking for days, weeks... I can "talk" through emails or texts, rare as it is, but as my parents made a surprise visit, English felt like a foreign language. | self.depression |
Trying to do things but the inner restlessness is driving me crazy [deleted] | self.depression |
I need help please! Am i an asshole?? Hello everyone, I’m sorry to bother everyone with this stupid post, but I can stand it anymore I have to ask. I’m not quite sure how to phrase or ask what I want to say because the story is complicated, however it’s caused me so much anxiety and panic over the past couple of weeks. Is it normal to view others as attractive or to be physically attractive in areas even though you have no interest in being with them? Over the past couple of weeks I have felt like such an asshole about this because I am married and absolutely love my wife with all of my heart, however when my anxiety strikes, I always get scared with confronting girls. Growing up I never had that many friends that were girls and it wasn’t until I was dating my wife that I started meeting more because of her friends or just other couples. This is where things get complicated and I feel like a total piece of shit, my wife comes from a religious family and I, not so much. My family growing up was Christian but we mainly only went to church occasionally and on holidays. My wife is absolutely perfect and I love her to death, but I feel I’m not worthy of being with her. She has perfect control over all aspects of her life while it feels I tumblr my way through. I had a meltdown about this question because in dealing with her friends I sometimes think that girl is cute or this person has a great personality or things like that, but then anxiety steamrolls in and makes me feel like I’m a huge cheater and I am a huge piece of shit. I would never cheat on my wife, however my anxiety makes me feel isolated and scared that I am developing feelings for other people behind my wife’s back, when in reality I know I don’t. The anxiety swelled up so badly that I had a meltdown and told my wife about it, it made me feel better to talk about it with her, however she completely didn’t understand it. The even dumber part is immediately after telling her all of those feelings went away. Everything. I don’t feel anything towards anyone but her, however that feeling will go away and then the anxiety will move to a different person or time when I did something and swell up and make me feel like shit. I love my wife with all of my heart and I know she is the right person for me, but this anxiety just makes me feel scared, guilty, shameful, physically sick, and not being able to sleep. Everyday I wake up and pray to god I’m cured, but it comes back. I feel I have already gotten a lot better since my original meltdown but there are still fearful traces remaining. Please please please tell me I’m not an asshole, I really don’t want to be doing anything bad or hurting my wife. I get so angry at myself when anyone walks by that is somewhat attractive, and just think you piece of shit how dare you. I’m just scared that noticing things about other people and thinking other people are attractive is ruining my life. Is this a normal trait humans have, even if you’re married? Am I alone in this issue? I’m so scared to ask anyone and I don’t want to bring it up with my wife anymore because I don’t want her to think I’m up to something. Someone please help me. Thank you for your time! | self.Anxiety |
I have sexually harassed women I've leered at women, I've stalked women, and I've touched women inappropriately before. This is not a recent development; all of these things happened several years ago when I was in school, and I would never do any of these things now. But I have done them, and knowing that I have done them weighs on my mind.
I would like to consider myself to be a good person, and I do believe that, wherever possibly, I act as ethically as I can. It's difficult, though, to view myself as a good person, as a moral person, knowing I've behaved inappropriately towards women in the past. This is not always a feeling that is conscious; I'm able for the most part to live my life without thinking about it, knowing that I've changed the behaviors. But occasionally I remember what I've done in the past and the guilt creeps back in. Of course, with many sexual harassment and assault stories coming out in the news, my past actions have come out to the forefront of my mind.
Even though I said above that I would like to consider myself a good person, it's hard to square away the idea that I am good with the reality of what I've done in the past, and I'm not really sure what I can do (if anything) to really feel redeemed. Should I even be allowed to feel redemption?
I think part of this issue is that people really do kind of try to blur the lines of morality when it comes to sexual harassment. Of course there's the classic excuse of "boys will be boys", but I've never actually heard that excuse used in a real life setting. The "excuses" made are a lot softer sorts of "oh so and so just likes you but he's shy and doesn't know how to show it." Which, in my case, yeah that was true. I did like the girls I harassed, and yes I was a complete failure at communicating that in any way that is normal and respectful. That doesn't really excuse my actions. Just because I didn't mean any harm doesn't mean that no harm was done, and the message still needs to get through that the behavior is not OK. I think that, when I was doing what I did, I understood on some level that my actions were wrong, but I thought they weren't really a big deal, and the rationalizations that people try to put on sexual harassment sort of confirm that when they really shouldn't.
I say none of this to try and garner sympathy or get people to feel bad for me. I'm not a victim of anything, save for maybe a system that is broken and needs to do a better job at dealing with sexual harassment. But the actions are mine and I have to own them. | self.offmychest |
17y old female here, iv struggled with mdd and anxiety all my life 17y old female here, iv struggled with mdd and anxiety all my life, iv only recently as of 4 years ago been put on anti depressants and it worked up until these past few months. it’s hard for me to get out of bed even take showers and it’s dragging me down further into a hole i created for myself and i’m not sure how to go about getting better life is getting more challenging for me as i go. i feel as if i wouldn’t care if i died, not as in suicide or anything like that but that it just wouldn’t matter to me if i did die,and i don’t have very many healthy coping skills to deal with this feeling, any suggestions ab what to do would help, thank you. | self.depression |
Looking for advice regarding a brother-in-law I created this account to seek advice as I would prefer to protect the privacy of my wife and her brother - don't mind the vast emptiness of my post history. If this is the wrong place to post this or if someone knows a better sub, please let me know and I will remove / x-post as needed.
I have tried to assist my brother-in-law over the course of three years in a multitude of ways but I am not sure if there will ever be anything that can truly be "done" for him - thus I am reaching out to see if anyone has a different take on it all. Obviously there will be big chuncks of information that will be omitted due to space / time / privacy / etc reasons but I'll try to express everything the best I can. My background is homeless youth (troubled home, graduated high school late, etc) and then military service for nearly a decade, 37 yrs old now.
My brother-in-law (Let's call him BIL or BILL for short) was under the care of a psychaiastrist from the age of 12 to 28 yrs old (when the doctor retired). This psychiastrist medicated Bill with Adderall and clonazepam under the diagnosis of depression and ADHD. When Bill talks to me about this doctor he readily admits that he thinks the relationship had crossed the line between doctor-patient and that the doctor probably prescribed whatever Bill wanted.
From what I have been told from Bill's mom, dad and siblings, and Bill himself, Bill was a smart kid but wasn't someone who had any particular interest (no chess team, choir, sports, etc) and was pretty anti-social. Bill started drinking around age 16 as he felt him fit in.
Bill graduated from his very religious school and upbringing on time. He went into a custodial position right after HS and went to college for a portion of a year but dropped out. From that point forward, Bill lived with girlfriends and could hold a job for about a fifth of a year up until I met the family. I emplyed Bill for about a year where I found that he was a hard worker but he required (I mean literally) constant supervision and instruction. Bill is not an idiot. I want to be clear about this. Bill is obviously an intelligent man who has a lot of potentional. With that said, he doesn't seem to have the ability to link the multiple steps from the beginning of a problem to the conclusion of the fix. Think about if I asked you to install a toilet - most of us, if we did not know what to do, would look up a video or read the instructions that were included. Bill would instead plan a large and very complicated process that would end up consuming an entire day without Bill being able to really explain what he did all day and why the toilet wasn't installed. However, if I explained the process up front or told Bill to look up a video, the task would get completed well and with quality. Bill has been pretty blunt in our conversations in that he says he has never paid a single dollar towards any rent in his life.
Bill expresses deep depression often, self-harms (and tells me that it's only for attention) and will actively sabotage any efforts to assist him. A good example is that he will discuss the desire to move into a support house so he can be around others going through this. He will make appointments, will ask me for a ride (where I will take time off work) and then on the day of the appointment, will reschedule the event (key point here that I didn't say "cancel the event") and proceed to get smashed drunk. I only find out after I have driven an hour and a half to pick him up that he is passed out drunk on his mom's sofa.
So that is Bill in a nutshell.
Bill's mother was, by my defination, an enabler to the extreme. She acted completely dumbfounded each and everytime Bill is drunk / quits a job / gets arrested / etc. She will take even the most obvious lies he spins as facts. I had been around for when Bill would tell her, slurring words and stumbling, that he isn't drunk and she would believe him, chalking it up to "Bill must be tired". This continued all the way up until earlier this year when she realized that if she kept cleaning up after him, he would kill himself (driving drunk, alcohol poisioning, self harm that went wrong). We have paid for Bill to go through five rehabs over the last 3 years and used state rehabs twice as we no longer have the funds for private help. Bill's girlfriend finally got tired of everything and booted him out. He moved in with his mother until recently when the local PD had arrested Bill six times in two weeks for PIs and trespassing. At that point we took him to a state rehab in Fort Worth, Tx to try yet again.
Bill finished the rehab about a month ago, got drunk and is now living homeless in the FTW area. He keeps in touch regulary (I cover his phone expenses, provided him with cold weather gear, shelter info, and visit him weekly). He has been hospitalized twice for alcohol poisoning over teh last month but still refuses to follow-up on the resources that are offered to him. I was tehre for both ER stays (both turned into 3-4 day in-patient stays) where the nurses and doctors offered him help but he never showed up to any of the follow-up visits. Bill's entire family ahs told him many, many times that we are all here for him.
I care about Bill but the most painful part of all this (for me) is I see how much of a toll this takes on my wife. She is a recovering addict (4 years sober!) and she has an intimate understanding of the pain and physical harm that can evolve from Bill's situation. I have spent many nights going to NAR-Anon groups trying to learn to be as supportative as I can for my wife but with Bill, I honestly have no idea what else I have to offer. My wife has remained sober as she makes that choice every single morning to be sober.
I guess after writing all this I have a fairly simple question for a very complicated situation - Can someone tell me stories about what has helped others / themselves in the past that might have seen any of this?
I know there are some folks out there that can't be helped. Others still can be helped but only they can start the process. If we can't help Bill, what can I say to the family to help (as much as is possible in this situation)?
Thanks for anyone's time who reads this and thanks even more for anyone who has even the slightest advice for us to help Bill.
Check back for edits as my grammar / spelling / ability to express coherent thoughts is on par with a damn toddler. | self.depression |
Recently Diagnosed BP2 and struggling at work I was diagnosed about a month ago after having panic attacks so severe and so often, I was calling out of work days at a time. I’ve tried an Abilify and Trileptal combo, which left me bedridden and unmotivated to do anything. All I wanted was to sleep and eat. I was so tired and so hungry. And then they pulled me off Trileptal and still, so tired and so hungry. I return to work tomorrow after a month of being off and I’m terrified. I feel like I will never hold down a full time job. It’s been a huge stressor in my life for a few years. Anyone have any inspiring stories about what they found that worked for them career-wise? | self.bipolar |
Struggling right now, just need someone to listen to me. I'm sorry for dumping my problems on you all, please help. [deleted] | self.depression |
Naps are the best, especially in this weather. I get to go somewhere else for a few hours instead of being myself. | self.depression |
Anyone have epilepsy and bipolar? I feel like I've seen a lot of us! | self.bipolar |
I'm 16 and suicidal Okay, get ready for some long ass reading.
So, hi. Yeah you just read the title right. I'm 16, and I'm suicidal. Now, let me just give you a quick preface before I tell you what I'm dealing with right now, just so that you can understand the situation a little better.
I remember being the happiest kid ever, like the absolute fucking happiest, back in Elementary School. I loved my life so much. I have a nice family, my mom and dad who loves me, a baby brother whom I love with all my heart. I mean, we fought every now and then, but that's just what brothers do. I got good grades for most of the time, almost always actually. I was like, one of the smartest kid at school. I had a ton of friends. Everyone at school was cool, like literally every single one of them. I even ended up being friends with the Bully, lmao. I had two best friends back then, and the three of us was like the coolest kid in school, or at least we thought so. we go out together a lot. One of them has this big ass pool in his house, and we often swim there. It was so much fun. Like, so much fun. I remember being obsessed with Adventure Time, I'd literally watch it everyday, sometimes with my brother. I was also extremely obsessed with Club Penguin, it was my shit, you know. Like you get the whole point, life was lit back then.
It started tumbling hella downhill starting at Middle School. I got into school pretty early (at age 5), so I was 11 when I got to Middle School. At first, everything was okay, you know, fresh start, new friends, I got a bit overwhelmed by how many kids that I'm not familiar with cause most of my friends from elementary either go to different school or transfer to another town. The first month of it was pretty okay. The class that I went to was great. I got the position as Class President. It was cool, I guess (jk, I'm incompetent and people shouldn't have voted for me). The second month I was there, the informed us about this program - the "Acceleration Class Program" - and basically, instead of spending 3 years of school, you're accelerating your studies so that you can graduate in 2 years. I took the test, and got in. I was really flippin' happy, unaware that this was going to be one of the worst decision I've ever made.
This is where things started falling apart. I'm sorry that my limited vocabulary is making this story starts to seem a bit monotonous, but please bear with me. So the first couple of weeks I was there was - I would say - okayish, there's little to nothing to say about it since everyone was still adapting to the new environment. Now, this is also around the time when I started exploring my sexuality. I know, I know. Well here it comes - I'm gay. i am a homosexual, although I'm not proud of it, bot I'm not ashamed of it either. I'm pretty accepting about my sexuality. So, let me just tell you, I am pretty feminine, but I'm not trying to be a girl either. But still tho, a feminine boy is not acceptable at all in this society. I guess the kids at class started noticing that a bit more, so guess what - they started picking on me. The boys at class avoided me like I had ebola or something, but I was so okay with that. If anything l, I loved being alone. One of the kid from my class ended up moving out of the school cause his dad got an offer to work at a branch office out of town, and he was the only kid that wanted to sit with me. Don't get me wrong, we're not bffs or something, we barely ever talked. But I guess he just didn't care that much about my "femininity" which I thought was great. Either that or everyone else already got a chairmate and I'm the only person left, so he has no other option. so, ever since he moved out, I sat alone for the rest of the remaining 1 year that I had to go through. Like, legit, the only time someone ever sat with me was during group presentation, and that's all. Honestly, I was fine with it most of the time, but tbh, I felt pretty fucking lonely.
That wasn't the worst tho. so, comes the second year of Middle School. Good start, am I right? Everyone fucking hated me cause I'm feminine and I'm the only outcast in my class. Now, during this time, with full shame I say this, but I started watching porn. My mom bought me this IPod Touch (holy shit, remember when those used to be the actual shit, lol) and I started watching gay porn there. Needless to say, I got pretty addicted to it. I guess it's right when people say porn kills your brain cells, cause my porn addiction is followed not long after with my bad grades. I failed lots of exams, didn't do my homework, played hookie during P.E. , my parents got called in by the principle, you know, the definition of a shitty student. I was going through that phase, and it was not pleasent, at all. Now, that is still not the worst part of Middle School. The second year, we got new teachers. Some are better than before, and some are - well - absolutely worse. You know that all the boys in class hated me to death, thus why I started hanging out with girls. That' just logical, you know. Why would I wanna be around the boys? All of them and their mothers hated me more than the Jews hate Hitler (please don't take that literally). But I guess some people just can't seem to comprehend that, and one of those people would be my 8th grade physics teacher. he hated me, since day one he was there. I have no idea as to why he would think it would be the right thing to do it, but he outright bullied me during class, every time I attend his class. He is the teacher. The fucking teacher. And he straight up bullied me during class, in front of everyone. And it seems like I was the only person that he picks on, not fucking sure why. Even thinking about this makes me a little it mad, even though this happened years ago. Anyway, he'd call me all kinds of shit - "gay", "fag", "sissy" , "lady boy" , "transvestite" , "girly" , "homo" - and those aren't even half of them. And just to add insult to injury, every fucking boy at class started mocking me the same exact way, they called me all kinds of name on the book, they even go as far as going to the parking lot after school, and shout out loud "homo" towards me when I got picked up by my driver, it was humiliating. And this happens everyday. Every single fucking day for one year. I believe that this has resulted in me developing social anxiety. I was extremely depressed, but I never let anyone know about that. I should've just told my mom or my dad about it, but I was too scared that they would just tell me to "man up". So, I just ended up crying all my pain away every night foe the first few weeks it happened. But you can only absolutely destroy someone so much, until they just become numb. I was numb. When they talked shit about me, I didn't care anymore. I didn't cry anymore. Every time I go home, I'd just listen to music (if you're wondering what type of shit I'm listening to, I was in love with Trap Nation) for hours. That apparently swept my anger away. So comes graduation, my final exam grade was pretty satisfying.
I got in to the number one public high school in town, where smart kids go to. I honestly am not smart at all, in fact I was almost not accepted to that school as my name was on the last page of the lists of accepted students. I was overjoyed when I got in, I felt like this is yet again another fresh start. A lot of people say that high school is the best years of your life, where you get to completely be yourself, be reckless, explore your desires in life, have fun with your friends, doing all kinds of teenage bullshit. I was excited for that, you know. Fast forward to the first year of high school, long story short, I made friend with everyone there, and no one seemed to be picking on me, so far so great. I was cool with everyone. Even though every freshmen at school is at least a year older than me, I got along pretty well with them. I also managed to have a close friend during freshmen year. Him and I go everywhere together (and no, this is not a gay love story, we were strictly platonic, get your head outta the gutter, jee) cause we feel like we relate to each other so much, you know. Now, comes the second year of high school. I genuinely thought that high school was not going to be bad at all. Like, people know that I'm different you know, but the boys never seem to mind that at all. I actually got along with the boys so well. But when something's too good to be true, it prolly is. So, that year, I made new friends, but only got close with two of them. So, My best friend and I, was close with these two kids. the four of us shortly became inseparable.
But, just as I was about to be happy with life again, it just kicked me in the balls and said "fuck you". My mom found out that I had been watching gay porn in my phone, and that I had been chatting with random guys online, in a seductive manners. My mom was disappointed. Now, it could get worse. This wasn't the absolute worst case scenario. She could've kicked me out of the house, or killed me (everything's possible), but she didn't. Instead, she was just disappointed in me. And so was my dad when so told him about what happened. They never talked to me about that, never confronted me bout being gay. I'm sure they know, but they can't do anything else other than being disappointed. That was when I started getting depressed again. i remember the night she found porn on my phone was two days before the mid-term. I ran away from home at 5 am, went to school, and stayed there until my driver found me in the school's nurse office at 7 pm. I went back home. My mom was bawling her eyes out. I felt so guilty, that all I did was just lock myself inside my room. I cried. And at that very time, I actually considered taking my own life for the first time. I was still very hesitant, but the thought was there, it was developing. I ended up getting too tired and slept in till 12 the next day. I came out of the room, and apologised to my mom. She said she forgives me. Now, the thing that makes me feel like absolute shit, is not because my parents are homophobic, as a matter of fact, and I know a lot of people are gonna hate me for saying this, but I have no problem with homophobia at all, I understand that some people just won't accept the fact that I like other guys, and it's fine you know. But the thing is, my parents that loved me so much, that loved me like I'm their precious belonging, now don't seem to care for me at all. I know this might sound so fucking self-centred and ungrateful, but the idea of disappointing my parents because they know my true self, absolutely tears me apart. And this is not about me at all.
So, there's that. Fast forward a year later, junior year, I was trying to cheer myself. I thought "Hey, at least I still have my friends". Guess what? I thought wrong. Now, this time, I wasn't the victim. To put a long ass story short, I stole three of my friends book, and blamed it on my best friend. Yes, my own best friend, that absolutely trusted me. I lost him in a split second. Everyone in the class found out that I lied about what happened, that I was at fault, not him, and everyone hated me. I lost my best friends too. And ever since then, I was alone at school again.
So, that's pretty much how it is right now. I'm heavily depressed, having suicidal thoughts again, yadda yadda yadda. I figured I'd let you guys now, whoever's reading this, so if i actually decide to kill myself one day, at least someone out there have heard my story. | self.SuicideWatch |
I just want to be touched. I haven’t had sex or any kind of intimate contact in so long. It just adds to that feeling that I don’t exist. And that I am not lovable. | self.depression |
I hate doing housework for my mother because she just does it over again anyways. While also berating me. Such a fucking juvenile problem but it drives me insane! I help out around the house, i'm not a complete loser. But my mom just has these fucking ridiculous standards of cleanliness that drove me insane as a child.
I can't go out of the way and do any extra favors for her because she just redoes them anyway!
Things she always redoes:
* Dishes with no dried food bits on them
* My towels (i put them through the washer exactly as she does! I don't get it!)
* My powerpoint presentation! I just asked for your advice, not for you to completely undo my group's work!!
* Dusting
* And a bunch of other shit i can't think of right now.
I was a shitty teenager that didn't help around the house. I get it. But i'm 24 now, i've lived on my own and kept a nice house. I took care of my dog, brushed her and scheduled all of her appointments. I schedule my own appointments which apparently some people still need their mother to do for them... i've done my own car maintenance, grocery shopping, etc.
I dunno, it hurts that she thinks i'm still the same alcoholic addict i was 5+ years ago. Things are so different now and i just hate how she keeps acting like i'm an irresponsible idiot. She doesn't even give me a chance for me to prove that i'm not a slob.
At least i'll be out of here in a month. I'll show her how clean i keep my house damnit! | self.offmychest |
just Listen Why? thats all I am asking. Why did you choose drugs over me? why did you get locked up? I want you to know that I am furious at you and you have fucked me up. and then telling me its my fault? thats even more fucked up. I wish you would stop manipulating me and asking me for money. Just know that I am blocking your prison number and mail. Thanks for ruining Christmas for me forever. you got yourself into this mess, enjoy your 30 years alone. I am trying to forgive you, but I am not ready. You should've been my parent, and i shouldnt have to worry about if you are clean or not every day. maybe the second time around you will learn your lesson. Enjoy maximum security. Hopefully you will use these 30 years to reflect on what a terrible fucking person you are, Enjoy it. Youll be in there for a while | self.offmychest |
Whipped? These past few days with you have been so peaceful. Wished you die. Never coming back. As I understand it, we're like Clark Kent and his cousin. Super small gene small. I don't want to fuck my cousin. Everyone is pushing me to. Something about our genes. regardless of how fine my cousin our sister is. Don't wan't to impregnate anyone. Don't want to be nor sire any leaders. LEave this jewish boy alone. I don't want to have sex with my sexy cousin and have her give birth to the messiah ... it's just weird ... She's like my cousin .... but sexy... so confused ... | self.offmychest |
I’m confronting my boss about whether I need to look for work. Any support appreciated. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Okay, I don’t want drama but I seriously want to know if I should leave this sub I read this sub every day and I read every post. I comment on everyone where I have something valuable to say even if it is just giving hugs.
I’ve noticed that my posts are being downvoted to 0.
Is it that I post too much? Are my hugs annoying? What am I doing wrong? I don’t see other people’s posts at 0.
Anyway please upvote or comment if you’d like me to leave. This isn’t to get upvotes, it is to let me know and still stay anonymous. | self.bipolar |
Feeling suicidal for the first time in 3 years I haven't felt like this since I was dating my last boyfriend who was heavily abusing me mentally and physically. I'm in an argument with my current boyfriend, who up and left, said he was leaving his phone in his room, and is going out for a drive to clear his head. I'm suffering from severe anxiety and stress over this and other things in my life, and am wondering, once again, if it's better to just not be alive. I don't feel alive anyway, what's the difference? I've never really felt this level of sadness and emptiness in almost 3 years. Does anyone have advice? I feel like I'm having a genuine panic attack. | self.SuicideWatch |
Just put on new med regiment So I just need a place to vent my excitement. Ive posted a couple od times venting, mainly when I was having an episode. Everyone has always been accepting and encouraging. I decided today to vent about how, after 18 months of dropping my meds, Im now medicated again. It feels great. Not the meds of coarse, can not make a determination on that for a while, but Im thrilled because its a step in the right direction. I feel like things are gerting better. At least for a while. | self.bipolar |
I Always feel like I am bothering others or that no one could be interested in me (dating) [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
That beautiful moment when music makes your head feel like it’s twisting and flowing into different waves. [deleted] | self.bipolar |
I think I might end it this year. It doesn't, won't, can't get better. Hospitalization, medication, therapy, doesn't work. The older I grow, the more chaos encompasses me. I swear, the only thing stopping me from doing it is the guilt. All I feel is pain, there isn't any semblance of joy or stability in my life. I pray someone shoots me in the back of the head so I don't have to carry this weight anymore. I feel doomed to live this impalpable, meaningless existence. | self.bipolar |
Stable as the new normal I don’t really have a community of people experiencing the same as me to talk about this so, here I am.
I recently started medication after coming to understand that talk therapy wasn’t going to actualize the stability I sought and holy cow, this is weird. I’m starting to realize that my obsessive drive for perfection and achievement at work was likely out of some fear of not feeling worthy or good enough as it has slowly faded into feeling comfortable with being fed up with some hard situations and letting go of expectations. In equal turn, I’m starting to realize that part of the reason I cleaned my house was either mania or a fear of slipping too far into a depression, and now I no longer obsess over whether or not all of (whatever) is done. (Legitimately have had a pile of laundry by my dresser for four days and it just is there. I’m not anxious, I know it needs to get done, but it’ll happen when it happens.)
In short, I feel so...stable. But stable as a new normal is weird. I want to strive for good outcomes at work and I want to have a clean house (as examples) but for the first time in a very long time I’ve realized that there are other things in life that matter, too, up to and including giving myself a damn break and not feeling guilty about it. It’s almost like I’m letting myself be genuinely exhausted for the first time in my life without the extreme emotions attached to it, if that makes sense.
Anyone else go through similar? | self.bipolar |
I've finally started on Lithium! I have a quick question. So I've finally been put on Lithium, which I was really exited to try out. If you've taken Lithium in the past, or currently are, I'm wondering how it made you feel? I was hoping that it would calm me down and bring me back to base, but instead I get the feeling that it blunts my emotions instead- almost a numb feeling.
I just want to feel contentment and calmness. Will I get that on Lithium, or do I just deal with this med free?
| self.bipolar |
Anybody here with OCD? If so,please can you look at my recent post? I’m on the edge. | self.SuicideWatch |
I feel panicky all the time I've been feeling constantly panicky for months. I just feel like I'm going to pass out at any moment. I feel scared, nervous, panicky, irritable and on edge 24/7. Most of the time I struggle to breathe. Anyone else like this? Why do I feel like dying all the time? | self.Anxiety |
Failing in dating as a female? I know I'm young and 18 and that I shouldn't feel worried now but it's getting to a point where I'm getting angry. Fail after fail after each encounter. Here's how it usually goes the guy leads me on, uses me for sex or was a good match for me and a decent guy but gets taken after a few weeks. Dating is so stressful I feel like I'm in a competition. Most the men I've dated were Asian despite me being black and with that comes a few problems with being used for sex since his parents or friends won't accept me or being rejected solely for my race. I had liked black guys and white guys, just recently I liked a black guy at my job who ended up being taken and turning into a jerk. Fboys aren't limited to any race and its upsetting that it has to be like this. I understand that there are some bad women out there too, honestly it would be nice if we could remove all the jerky men and women from the dating pool to stop us from getting hurt. The only good guy in my life is my best friend who I just can't force myself to be into romantically even if I try, he's like my twin brother. It feels almost like incest to try to think romantically of him. I feel like the universe is playing a big joke on me for giving me guys that use me for sex and putting the only good guy in my life as a 'family member'. | self.offmychest |
My dad just died and I'm eating Taco Bell while hysterically crying. Here are some memories for you all. My dad died of stage four pancreatic cancer yesterday evening at 6:31 PM. He went in his sleep, peacefully, probably riding some intense morphine dream into the sunset.
For two years, he suffered. I know people like to say that those with cancer are "fighting" and "warriors," but they're also scared and in agony. My dad was no warrior; he was a 54-year-old man scared out of his mind to leave his son and wife alone. He was scared of the words "malignant," "spreading," and "terminal." He cried, constantly, until the pain would cause him to pass out.
A few months ago, he begged my mother, deliriously, to kill him by giving him an overdose of morphine. He wanted to go.
When my dad got sick, I was living across the country working for a tech start-up. My life was perfect and I thought that everything was sublime. And it was! But then my mom called me, tears on her voice, and told me of my father's diagnosis.
I dropped everything and moved back home. My dad was so pissed at me for doing that. He said he would be fine and that I shouldn't worry. My mother went into a frenzy; immediately, she began cooking only vegan meals and everything was gluten free. Everything was organic. My mom made me and my dad take a cooking class from some local alternative medicine healer guy so we could learn to be healthier. For my dad, a born-and-bred carnivore, he was less than thrilled. My mom researched the best doctors in the world. My dad, meanwhile, just kept dying.
In June, on my birthday, my mom made a "cake" made out of fruit. When my mom sat the cake down on the table, my dad began laughing hysterically. Mom and I had no idea what was going on. My dad just pointed at the pitiful "cake" and shook his head, tears dribbling down his sunken cheeks.
"I'm going to die, and you're making our kid eat like a rabbit," my dad wheezed. Mom was horrified, but I broke out into a grin. My mom began to cry, so frustrated at my dad when he spoke like that, and my dad comforted her. He said he didn't mean it -- but we all knew he did.
The first day after I had moved back home, I was moving some stuff out of my old bedroom (that my dad had turned into his study) and he came to help me. I told him I could do it on my own, but he insisted. Together, we unpacked the room and moved things in. My dad began to cry, telling me that this was the first time he felt like a "man" since being told he was dying.
Last week, I brought home a large order of french fries from McDonald's -- my dad's favorite food in the world. I wanted to surprise him. When my mom saw, she went into one of her frenzies. My dad was too weak to fight off my mom, so I was forced to throw them out.
He died yesterday. He never got his french fries. My mom has collapsed into herself. I know she's hurting, but I strangely feel at peace. I think coming to terms with this inevitability two years ago has helped me to not be a mess today.
Tonight, I impulsively went to Taco Bell and McDonald's and bought all the junk food I could afford. I dumped it out on the kitchen table and my mom just stared at me. For two years, neither her or myself have anything other than vegan food and gluten free meals. After a minute of staring at the pile of junk, we started eating. Then we started laughing. And now, I'm sitting here in front of my computer, and crying my eyes out.
I miss my dad so much. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I hate cancer.
Miss you, daddy-o. | self.offmychest |
You know you are hypo... When you come to realize you are naked on the bathroom floor taking the pipes apart. Le sigh | self.bipolar |
Ripples Hi,
Did you know that your choices affect me? And mine does the same to yours?
What a crazy world have we created? We've created fake needs to satisfy the real needs we have. I'll make a shoe, because I am hungry. Your current shoes are fine, but two of mine. Because I am hungry and I need shelter.
So when you choose to feed your hunger. Just ask yourself, am I making unwanted shit to shove down the already bloated living corpse of a dreamless suburban husband, running around the clock , running around town.
A little are on top, but many are in the bottom. Because you have wants my dear, that's why we are all here. Your wants feed families, gives them shelter. And gives them the power to buy more fake shit they don't want.
They aren't willing to buy it? Well slap it on traditions, slap it on culture. Slap it one whatever we can find and let's sell them something.
Because I am so hungry.
Buy this,feed me and my family.
Remember, when you choose to do something. It always ripples. Just like the universe.
Ripples.
| self.depression |
Is anyone else unemployed Bipolar type one here, it seems I can’t keep a normal job. I served in the US Marines for 4 years and since my life is just on a downward spiral. Having a job just seems like an unnecessary trigger for stress and anxiety, I swear I am not lazy or trying to leech off the system but my only source of income has been my veteran’s disability. Anyone relate to this? | self.bipolar |
Stopped drinking caffiene, haven't had it in months. Just one question. Is decaf good to drink? I heard it has a tiny bit of caffiene though, stopped drinking caffienated soda and energy drinks/coffee because it makes me really anxious. I do miss the taste of coffee sometimes, want to do decaf but don't know if it does have that tiny bit of caffiene. | self.Anxiety |
Tips on how you guys handle work in bad times? BP2 rapid cycling. Have been up and down constantly for days, missed 5 days of work and today had to leave 4 hours into my shift. My work is a big company and amazing and so supportive, I just can’t handle it. Any tips? Please? | self.bipolar |
Does anyone else ever have this “delusion”? I’m not sure if I can call it a delusion when it’s so transient. Basically, a few months back I had a weed induced psychotic episode (doc thinks, also stopping Prozac contributed to it I guess) where aliens were telling me I was schizophrenic and Louis C.K. was talking directly to me and telling me to kill myself. I went mute and couldn’t write my name or anything. Ended up in inpatient for the next week. Fast forward 3 weeks from that: I have this intense believe one evening (went to sleep later and woke up fine) that I was the only “real” person on earth- everyone else has just been put here to let me live out my life. Someone would say something on tv or in-person and it would be these incredibly important, huge coincidences that reinforced the idea that life was basically “crafted for me” and I was the only real person. Okay, so it’s been like 9 months since that, and I’ve been having that belief pretty frequently the last couple months. I’ve not been consistent with taking my Vraylar 3mg for almost a month and a half, and I’m also taking the highest dose of Wellbutrin and 70mg vyvanse (just upped from 60 mg) and adderall 20 mg in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon. It’s mainly at night when I have these beliefs, and when I have them I fully believe them. It’s only after the belief has passed (usually a few hours or the next day) that I realize it’s probably not true. Anyways, has anyone else ever had these weird, brief delusions? Am I just making this up? I emailed my doc today and told him (had to email him for another reason, was having muscle spasms from increase in Wellbutrin dose), so hopefully he gets back with me, although I’m sure it’ll be the same brush-off that I’ve gotten in the past when I talk about anything other than my severe depression.
Diagnosed major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety by current pdoc, undefined mood disorder by inpatient hospital, bipolar 2 by previous doc.
Currently depressed as fuck, no motivation (even with 3 stimulants...), can’t think straight or focus, have been isolating myself a lot lately, irrational anger in the evenings/nights, and am always lethargic. I normally judge my depression by how badly I want to kill myself, but I haven’t actively wanted to in a while.
Any insights?
| self.bipolar |
Exposure therapy Does exposure therapy work for anyone ? I've had anxiety 8 years now I'm 22 and I practice exposure therapy daily and it still is not easier. Some day's I can barely drive down my street then some day's i can go somewhat far. If I go 20 mins away from home for a month daily then take 2 day's off from going 20mins away next time I try it will be like starting over again I never get comfortable. In my 8 years of having anxiety disorders I've been diagnosed with panic disorder, gad, social anxiety, agrophobia and depression. | self.Anxiety |
Extreme grief and depression over dad's passing. I don't know if I will ever feel okay again. Any help? Hi everybody. I'll try to make this concise, but there has been a lot on my mind recently.
I found out about my dad's terminal cancer in August of last year, my (ex)boyfriend broke up with me in September because he wasn't sure if he could fully be there for me, and then my dad passed away in November. The details are too hard for me to say, but since then, I've been spiralling downwards.
I'm 20 and still in university. I know that not many people my age have gone through these experiences, so I don't really expect my friends to know what to do or say, but I can't help but feel really really really shitty when I feel like they aren't providing me with the support I want. One friend literally told me to get Tinder again and to "feel better".
The two main feelings I've been dealing with are loneliness and exhaustion. I feel like nobody can fully understand what I went through, and I feel embarrassed when I tell my friends I'm still feeling sad because I'm afraid of being judged as weak/pathetic. The exhaustion part comes from the chronic insomnia that started recently. I desperately want a good night's sleep but I cannot fall asleep no matter how tired I am. Crying has become part of my nightly routine.
Honestly, I just want to isolate myself in a dark hole and never see the light again, but I know that's the last thing I should do, so I'm reaching out on this sub. I deactivated my social media just to have a break and have more healing time... but I'm afraid I'm never going to feel better...
Any words of comfort or advice? Thanks so much. | self.depression |
I just put in my first viable job application When I was 17, I put in my first job application, even though I knew I wasn't going to get the job. I'm 19 now and never worked. Anxiety has kept me from doing many, many things. I've overcome a lot, though. I've traveled to Scotland on my own for the last two years. (LDR, boyfriend pays for most everything because he's on disability and in school) After my first visit, I put in another job application but was so anxious, I cancelled my interview.
Now it's time to start planning flight tickets, and we really don't have the money for the visit we want (6 mo.) so I finally...finally pulled myself together, a little bit. It took three full days to actually write it up and submit it because working on it for too long left me feeling exhausted and empty. But I finally fucking did it.
I want somebody to tell me I deserve better than the gas station I applied at and to wait for something better but above all, I want to make my boyfriend proud, and make my visit a nice one where we're both putting effort in.
Anybody with anxiety for whatever reason reading this, I believe in you. It fucking sucks, and it might take time, but you'll get there.
Here's some bears. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ ʕ·͡ᴥ·ʔ ʕ♡˙ᴥ˙♡ʔ | self.offmychest |
Weird observation: I can't taste spicy food during anxiety attack [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
My mood is shifting down rapidly, I don't take an antidepressant because they've all shot me into some form of mania. Although completely unadvised has anyone used St. John's Wart on a short-term basis to shift their mood? A little manic energy would be welcomed at the moment. Any advise? St. John's Wart - inviting a little mania | self.bipolar |
I dont know whats wrong with me? So 2 weeks back I was walking home and all of a sudden my chest started pounding and it felt like ny heart was beating outside of my chest. I began to hyperventilate and collapsed. I had a congenital heart condition for which I had a procedure 2 years ago and it was successful, I have very high cholesterol for an 18 year old and my dads side has some bad cardiac relatrd history. So in my mind I thought I was having a heart attack. I called 911, the paramedics told me my vitals are pefectly fine and its just that I have a high heart rate and I should relax and go home. I was traumatised at that point, uncontrollably shaking, with my chest still pounding like crazy while he was telling me that. So i insisted they take me to the hospital just to be safe.
I told them about my congential heart issue I had and the fam history. They did a fee tests and it was cleared. The nurse gave me some injection which gave me a lot of relief. So they concluded that i had a panic attack. This was my first experience and boy it was traumatizing.
Now its been 2 weeks and i still feel a weird pressure in my chest like a clenched fist. It feels kind of heavy. At nighy sometimes I wake up with the left side of my chest pounding. I dont understand why this is happening to me. Can it still be cardiac ? Do any of you feel this? Yeah this is an anxiety subreddit but I just dont feel anxious about anything? Like I feel so confused and lost. Maybe I am anxious but I dont realize it? Can anyone relate to what Im feeling? My family is 2000km away from si nce Im in college and all they tell me to do is relax | self.Anxiety |
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