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I just wish I could drop out and go back to when life was simpler [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Coming out of depression I feel a bit lost [deleted] | self.depression |
I don't feel depressed at all but I have the symptoms It's scary. I thought I got over depression.
I'm a well known guy in my town. I got a decent amount of friends, will possibly make more once I go to college which I can't wait for by the way, and that's the exact reason! Making new friends, some people I don't know, get them a fake(?), new, better image of my personality. Starting all over when it comes to my personality.
I've never had suicidal thoughts but I've questioned myself is it worth living dozens of times. My movements are pretty close to watching slow-mo (at least that's what people say), I avoid eye contact when I talk to someone, I've never had a GF, I'm skinny and I got scoliosis (spine disorder). Not an alcoholic nor a junkie though. I got potential to be the best pupil of my generation, people say I'm intelligent but I've never fully used it. Instead I'm the average solid pupil with a mix of A's and Bs on my grades report. And I owe those to my above-average IQ as I lack concentration. Sometimes it takes hours for me to concentrate and begin studying. It's horrible. It's so painful. During that period I'm totally numb, stiff, I don't feel my muscles and my bones keep cracking. Horrible. | self.depression |
Christmas was more terrible than usual. No surprise there. It's the person who made it terrible that surprised me. I feel like there's nobody left I can trust. | self.SuicideWatch |
I love how vastly my writing changes between phases Here's some lyrics I wrote in a depressive phase that lasted the last 3 months or so:
> I make you feel like shit
> And the feeling's mutual
> I hope in time you realize
> All that you’ve done
> We were a sleepless night turning into day
> As the light begins to break the realization settles to stone
And then here's an excerpt from a song I wrote this morning in a manic phase:
> I didn't sleep again
> But I can't say I miss it
> With feelings like these
> Why should I fix it?
> The smoke is clearing
> Trees are growing in the sky
> Green turns from envy into life
> And so do you and I
I find it so strange that I can be in the same exact situation a month apart and write about it in two completely different perspectives. | self.bipolar |
I just punched a wall for about 30 minutes I think And man is that the most alive I have felt in a while. | self.depression |
Just back from my first walk Doctor’s orders. Two 15 minute walks, a day. I didn’t want to do it. The thought of the leaving the house, turned my stomach.
My husband got me dressed, bundled me up, and dragged my fat ass outside. We walked around our block.
I hated every single second, but at least I did it. | self.Anxiety |
What are you supposed to do when you're finding it difficult to open up to your therapist about a particular issue? I can't seem to tell her what it is. | self.Anxiety |
How can I explain what I’m feeling when I don’t even know myself? | self.depression |
I can’t anymore The whole past year of my life has been a lie. I’m living with a compulsive liar and i don’t believe i can trust anyone anymore. I feel paranoid all day everyday. Isolation is getting to me. Does anyone else see random objects and think of ways to kill yourself with them? | self.SuicideWatch |
Finally opened up to friends about my depression... and I've never been more miserable. Now I'm just lying here in bed, wanting to die so, so badly. I wasn't expecting them to fix my depression or anything, I just wanted to know that people cared because I can't stand feeling so alone. But now I know I am alone. I just want to kill myself and have it end. | self.depression |
I'm glad gun laws are so strict in Australia There's no way a 17 year old from the suburbs is getting one lol | self.depression |
I cant feel anything help. I'm so empty and worried i want to feel something but i cant its just all empty | self.depression |
"I'm bored and it's fun" I'm sure many of us can say it, but 2017 wasn't the best.
I started the year fresh out of an 8-year relationship. I had made the decision to end it months earlier (we no longer made each other happy), but the baggage was real. I lost sleep. I cried. I wondered if maybe I had made the worse decision of my 30-plus-year-old life. And it was a decision I wrestled with until my birthday, some months later.
I can't say what pulled me out of that depression. Or that it was gone entirely. But on my birthday I knew that I was ready to try again. After a low-key evening with friends, i went home and downloaded a dating app. Now, 2009 to 2017 is a huge leap in terms of online dating. I was a 30ish fish out of water, but I managed to sort out a profile, go on a few dates, and find my footing. And after about 3 months of great dates, but no spark, I met July (not her real name).
July was the kind of woman I never expected to meet on a dating app. She was smart, independent, and incredibly beautiful. We shared the same tastes in music, beer, politics, and adventure. She was amazing. She also, for whatever reason, swiped right, too. Within a week we were dating and texting in between, each date more fun than the last. And on our 5th date, an evening exploring the city, I knew that she was the one for me. I was infatuated, inspired, attracted. It was almost overwhelming. I was also a little nervous. My last relationship ended after a long haul, and July had only been out of a relationship for a few months. But I was open, expressed my concerns, and it turned out that she was as hesitantly eager as I was. It was officially a "thing."
We spent the rest of the summer and most of fall in a constant state of motion, amazing sex, good coffee, petting cats, seeing bands, and drinking beer. Nearly every weekend was booked with some trip, party, or adventure, and a few days a week we'd spend the evening together. I wrote more poetry to her in that time than I ever did in a single college-level poetry course. We were head over heels, each other's favorite. I was her Bird, she was my Muse. Everywhere we went, we were arm in arm, laughing, stealing kisses in dive bars, enjoying every minute together. But in November, something changed.
Even in hindsight I can't really say what happened. Things were good and (seemingly) getting better until they weren't. Thanksgiving was a turning point.
Two days before, I suggested spending time together, and she said she couldn't. She was too busy with work, groceries, the gym. But instead she'd come to a happy hour with coworkers of mine, people she had spent time with and got along with well. When she arrived things seemed a little off. And when she casually mentioned spending time with her friends the evening she was busy, I made a jealous comment, apologized immediately, and she brushed it off. But that night she was still distant.
I don't recall how it came up, but the next day she told me she didn't like that I had kissed her shoulder at the bar or kissed her goodbye in front of my friends. That she wasn't comfortable with the PDA. I pointed out that I wasn't acting any different than usual, which she acknowledged, but it bothered her nonetheless. This lead to her being unsure about spending the evening at my place before Thanksgiving, and ultimately resulted in her uninviting me to spend the holiday with her family the morning of. It was more or less a mutual decision based on how things had suddenly turned, but it hurt. It also marked the very quick beginning of the end.
From there we went to taking things day by day, to breaking up, to day by day again, to breaking up early last month. She said that she had been trying to tap into the feelings she once had, but they were no longer there and she couldn't explain why. This conflict, combined with other personal problems, was just too much for her to focus on. And on December 12 I unknowingly kissed her for the last time.
Now if you've read this far (which I appreciate) you're probably wondering where the title comes in...
On New Years Day, against the advice of a friend and my better judgement, I sent her a "happy new year" text. She replied, we chatted a little, and she even picked up the conversation the next morning. Nothing big, but something. And me, grasping for just about any sliver of hope, took it as something positive. So yesterday I sent her a text saying that if she ever felt up for grabbing coffee or food I'd be down. Now, future, whenever.
The conversation that followed was heart-wrenching, but something I should have seen coming.
She said going out again was something she couldn't do. That it would bring back her feelings for me, and she didn't want that. That she was capable of loving me back in the way that I needed, but she was choosing not to. That she didn't want to be needed. She also, unprompted, told me that she had already started going on dates again because she was "bored and it's fun," so not to be shocked if I saw her out, followed by a "not that it's any of your business."
24 hours later, I'd be lying if I said those words didn't sting. They were probably the most painful thing I've ever heard her say. But they also made me see that the woman I had fallen in love with and written poetry to wasn't woman I spoke with yesterday.
It wasn't the woman I drunkenly wandered the streets of Baltimore with one Friday in July, drenched in sweat and head over heels.
It wasn't the woman I had longed for (and who longed for me) two weeks this summer when we were on separate, back-to-back vacations.
It wasn't the woman I'd spent hours-long mornings in bed with, petting her hair, kissing her forehead, talking about nothing, talking about everything.
I know that woman is gone now. I don't know why she's gone, but she is. And it's hard for me to get past feeling like I wasted my summer giving my heart to someone who wasn't in it for the same reasons I was. And even harder than that pain, the broken holidays and trips, the heartache, and the callous comments, is that I still can't let her go. I can't let go of July.
| self.offmychest |
I caused someone to commit suicide and now feel like shit Hi Everyone,
I’m from Australia and I caused someone’s death. I never really liked this person to begin with. We were acquaintances and talked a few times every few months when a circle of friends met up. He plagiarised at the university he attends and being the person I am I reported him to the university and show them the evidence (don’t ask me how I got the evidence I just did). He plagiarised multiple times. He has done a few things to me which caused me to take action against him (really wish I didn’t).
Few days later I found out he was expelled from the university. I was happy this was the outcome( although I did not know the consequence will be that severe, I expected a warning) More days come after he figured out it was me and some of his friends lashed out at me. I believe what I did was right anyway. You don’t get anywhere in life by cheating. 2 days after I found out he killed himself. I was shell shocked. I was devastated. I been feeling extremely guilty and every time I think about this it makes me stomach feel sick. I been so devestated. Although I never liked him I would never wanted him to kill himself. Some of my friends said I did the right thing and his death wasn’t my fault but I feel 100% at fault. Any words of advice will be welcome on how to feel less guilty will be great. Would I also be charged with his death? One of his friends messaged me and said he’s reporting me to the police for what I did. | self.SuicideWatch |
Anybody worried about getting doxxed? I thought about posting a pic of myself (jealous of all the fun!) but I realized the one I wanted to use is also on my LinkedIn profile. Now I’m thinking about the stories I’ve shared on here (and other parts of reddit) and how unique of a picture it paints. Sometimes the “anonymity” of Reddit feels like an illusion...
Also, funny story. The picture on LinkedIn was taken in the courthouse for one of my criminal cases. You are not supposed to take pictures there. I get a chuckle each time I think about it. | self.bipolar |
Employer: "What motivates you?" MONEY. IT IS ALWAYS MONEY. I will always appreciate cold hard cash tbqhwy, tyvm. | self.offmychest |
This is getting really frustrating, I can't keep a job. I get so damn anxious that I can't keep a job. The longest I've been able to keep one is about two months.
This is so frustrating and tiring that I just want to cry. I started working with DVR which helps people with disabilities find and keep jobs, so I really hope this works out. I'm tired of being broke, and having the anxiety of "how am i going to make it through the month" every month. It's super frustrating and I just can't handle it anymore.
Does anyone else have trouble with keeping jobs, or communicating at jobs like I do? It'd be nice to know that I'm not alone. | self.Anxiety |
Everyone moved on! Its just that i miss my old friends so much from my old home's Neighbourhood. It just sucks a lot, it feels like everything is moving way too fast for me and i am getting left behind.
-I mean, i do talk to my friends on phone, but they are so far away now. It just feels like i might never be able to meet my group ever again and if i do, they might already forget about me by that time. I always end up crying hearing their voice and recently, i feel like not even talking to them anymore because i always get depressed. Its just really frustrating imagining them enjoying and hanging around without me in the group anymore, the worst part is that there's a girl i like a lot. I thought i would eventually tell her my feelings because we all are gonna grow up together, but i guess i am glad i never told her my feelings now, but to think she would move on too someday, just thinking about that alone suffocates me. I have never blamed my mother, i am mature enough to understand her financial situation, but every little sad thing breaks me apart these days, and i always keep it inside me and cry myself to sleep. I just want to go back to my old simple life again, people always say live in the present, but its never ever easy and its just too hard. I get mad at myself too that as a boy i should be stop acting weak and crying all the time but i can't just help it anymore. Yes, i am weak and maybe much sensitive too! I am still crying while typing this. | self.depression |
Is it okay to ask my neurologist specifically for Buspirone (for anxiety disorder)? Would it raise a red flag for him? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Drifting away Does anyone feel you don’t belong in this world? Life is meaningless and pointless. We live just to die down the road. Sounds so tragic and depressing. Anyone feel the same? | self.SuicideWatch |
I don't deserve happiness. I don't know why people care about me. My friends, family, teachers, my partner. They all love me so much, and I love them, but I still want to kill myself. Christmas isn't helping either. The idea alone of opening presents in front of my entire family and having all of the attention on me makes me want to skip Christmas. I don't know how I'm going to react to all of the gifts I'll get. What if they don't like how I react? I'm so worried about my reactions appearing to be fake, even though I truly like what I got. Most likely, I'll be trying my best to not have a complete breakdown. Plus, I had a lot of trouble figuring out what I wanted this year. It gave me a ton of stress. I only had one thing on my list, which was kind of expensive, so I don't know if I'll get it. It doesn't matter though. There are so many people that want me to be happy on Christmas, but I just can't. Everything on Christmas is going to go wrong, I know it.
I don't even know where I'm trying to go with this, I just want to let at least one person know how I'm doing. It also makes me glad that I'm not the only person feeling this way. I hope that everyone reading this has a Merry Christmas. Take care of yourselves.
| self.depression |
It's my birthday. Hi. Depression makes it pretty lame. I haven't posted here in a while, but I think today is fitting. Thanks for always being here for me.
Edit: Thank you all for wishing me a happy birthday. It's seriously helped. I'm very grateful for you all. A few times I've been close to ending it, and I've turned to you guys. It always helps. Thank you. | self.depression |
Been getting a bit too Attached to a friend, but there's more to it First before I get into the subject let me present a relatively quick introduction about my social life (FEEL FREE TO SKIP THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH).
I was born (and still live) in a religious (Muslim) environment where I was kind of forced into certain religious practices at a very young and even beat into them. This topic is NOT about religion although it can be a minor cause of the issue. Now since around the age of 4-5 I started to have antisocial tendencies (not sure why) and spent most of my time on my PC or reading, after I finished high school (I am currently 21) I stopped interacting with people almost altogether and further developed a case of depression/social anxiety.
SECONDARY BUT NECESSARY TOPIC: I always felt empty, subdued, rejected depressed and even blunted at times. Whenever I spoke to anyone I ever known all I'd get is either "start attending prayers", "focus more on studying" or "go out and socialize". It's pretty clear even if I made 1000 "friends" and spent my entire life at clubs I'll still feel discomfort. I did visit a few psychiatrists a while ago but I was younger and a bit too shy so could never express myself freely and never got satisfying answers.
MAIN TOPIC: I spent the past years being a hardcore gamer and my "gaming' behavior was always disturbing (raging a lot, getting emotional over trivial stuff, etc.) due to my anxiety. Then I met a guy who seemed curious about my attitude then proceeded to add me and ask for further details. We grew closer over the course of roughly 2 months and I always felt solace and delight when hanging with him (albeit cyberally) for the first time ever; it's noteworthy I wouldn't be sure if I'm attracted to him in a romantic way but I'm certain I do not 'sexually desire' him. Over the course of the past few days I started feeling a weird mixture of unjustified jealousy and total obsession (overthinking and overreacting) towards him which turned out to be unhealthy and extremely distracting to me. I also started to feel he's starting to feel less interested or at least tired (which is understandable) about my rants.
Yesterday I explained him my feelings and that I'd need to take a break as the friendship is growing unhealthy and that I still consider him the "only family I got". He did reply to my latter statement but ignored the former, tried explaining further but he hasn't responded still. Which is kind of troubling as I do not know (and cannot know) what's going through his mind but I ALWAYS assume the worst. Pretty sure it's a case of low self-esteem.
Since then I first felt deep sorrow and pain (which is practically part of my daily life, just a bit more severe) but then my mind starting boiling with overthinking that I didn't sleep well last night and EVEN dreamt about a conversation with him. I started feeling relatively better today throughout the day.
It's likely there's nothing wrong at all and my mind just playing its tricks on me but his lack of response is a bit troubling.
What should I do here?
1. Work on what I already started.
2. Try to talk him out of what I previously mentioned and apologize in a different way, yet maintain some distance.
3. End the friendship and start embracing my inner sociopath.
4. Take some pills and drain the venom out of my mind once and for all.
5. Else.
Any general or specific tips are greatly appreciated. | self.Anxiety |
Failed Yeah, Failed IB. 21 outta 24 needed to pass... now uni is a shore further away and its going to be a hard time talking to family. | self.depression |
I think I am genuinely retarded. I don't know how to be an adult I don't really know how to do things or be an adult. I'm 21 and still live at home because I go to college but I think it may have stunted my development. I have trouble figuring out how to do things like set up doctors appointments with doctors I've never seen before, even things like how to get a new passport I had to ask my mother for help figuring it out because all the complicated rules confused me.... I also have social anxiety and trouble talking to authority figures. I feel like a child playing at being an adult. I always feel stupid and lost and like I'm going to be somehow "found out" that I really have no clue what I'm doing.
My boyfriend is constantly stunned that I can't manage to think ahead...I do stupid things like automatically get on the wrong train going uptown not downtown, I buy raw chicken and don't get around to cooking it within 2 days because I was too busy and now it needs to be thrown out, I call my building to ask if they can let somebody into the building if I'm not home (OBVIOUSLY that's not allowed, tenants need to be there, otherwise any homeless person could just walk in if someone cleared it before hand, and I should've lied, but I didn't think about the rules). I feel so bad because literally all I want is to make him happy but I always let him down when it comes to handling complicated tasks. Sometimes I ask stupid questions that should be obvious. OR I get embarrassed to ask these stupid questions, so I usually do the wrong thing.
Maybe it's because I'm daydreaming a lot...but then again, I don't think normal people have to CONCENTRATE to do daily tasks.
Academically, I'm not even book smart. I have a low attention span and when studying I have to read the same thing over and over to try to get it to sink in. Even then I barely understand the concepts and end up just memorizing a bunch of stuff before exams. I'm pretty sure the only reason I got into a good college (getting C's at the moment lol) is due to my good writing skills (lots of well-written essays in English and History) which are not evidence of me being smart, but rather are because I read hundreds and hundreds of books during my childhood because I had few friends. This means I have some facts stored in my brain that I memorized from reading good books, but there are so many things I don't understand or know about. Or am able to comprehend. I don't understand bitcoin or online currencies at all. I have no clue how the Internet works. I have no idea how the government checks/balances system works. I genuinely wonder: if the jury decides whether the person goes to jail, what is the judge even doing there?? I thought the judge sent people to jail! << I am still confused about this. I also often have trouble following the plot in movies, understanding characters' motivations, etc..
I may as well be a medieval peasant woman...at least I'm a good cook :(
I think my few friends only keep me around due to pity and also because I am always nice and a good listener --or, to put it more negatively, a convenient person to dump emotional issues on and ask a lot of, because I don't know how to say "no".
TL;DR I think I am retarded and don't deserve to be alive. | self.depression |
Are people like me not cut out for life? (Warning: Long post, some triggering topics mentioned)
I'm only 15 but I can already tell life hasn't handed me the kindest set of cards. I grew up in a chaotic home, my father has issues with anger and abused my mother, my mother cheated on my dad and they divorced when I was about 9. All of my family has a history of mental illness, with me and my sister getting the worst of it. Both of us have depression, anxiety, adhd, and suicidal thoughts, but I was also diagnosed with ptsd and anorexia. throughout our lives, both of us only had eachother. We were pretty antisocial, so we were one another's closest friend. Ever since she moved out, a part of me has been missing. I no longer have anyone. Sure, she visits as much as she can, but she's so busy with modeling and traveling that I rarely see her. Of course, I still had friends, but no one was as close to me as my sister. Ever since she left, my mental health has plummeted. I was in middle school, the most vulnerable time of my life, and I had no one and nothing to live for. Right after she left, I made my first failed attempt. I downed whatever I could find in my cabinet and hoped I wouldn't wake up. The next morning, I had the worst stomachache of my life but no real damage. I just continued my life as normal. In the last half of junior high, I began to have a better outlook on life. I thought to myself, "Middle school is the worst time of your life. It can't get worse than this! I just have to get through this and everything will be okay!" until I've realized all these years later... nothing will ever change. Ill always be like this, and no medication or therapy is helping me through it. First they tell you it will get better in middle school, then high school, then in your twenties, then when you're a parent until... finally! congratulations, you have become another cog in the system and have only now figured out that you were right to think nothing will change all those years ago. I considered changing my mind on this when I was a freshman and I met one of my closest friends. He was sweet, talented, and one of the first people to treat me with genuine kindness ever since my sister left. Growing up, I never understood the difference between friendship and romance due to never having a stable romantic example in my life. I constantly misread signs and assumed people liked me, which would then lead to me breaking my own heart and permanently parting ways with a piece of me. This happened about three or four times before, and it happened again.. but this one is different. I can't move on, and I can tell I never will. How will I find someone who tolerates me like that again? How can I find someone who doesn't use me to their advantage again? At this point in my life, I made my second failed attempt, but I won't go into details as it's similar to my first attempt and contains several more triggering events.
I feel like i've given away every part of myself, all i've ever wanted is someone who meant it when they said they loved me, but I guess I was wrong. I guess people like me really weren't meant to make the cut. I just feel.. empty, even more empty than when my sister left. I'm so starved for affection, I need someone to tell me they love me... but I guess it's clear at this point that i'm not worthy of it. I can't stand myself anymore. I hate looking at myself and seeing the repulsive human being I am and i've started starving myself again to the point where my ribcage is visible. I can't do this anymore.
TLDR: young teenager with a heap of mental issues who is struggling to find anyone who can tolerate them (unsurprisingly) wants to die.
My question for you all is.. why not attempt suicide? Why is it such a selfish act to want to die simply because others would be upset? If this is truly what life is like, why try at all? If it's true that nothing happens after you die and that the human race will simply go extinct in due time.. why live?
I've always given every part of myself to others, and i'm grateful I was given a chance at life but.. Is it truly that horrible to be in such unbearable pain that you'd rather hurt yourself? Is it so bad of me to want to be selfish for once? | self.SuicideWatch |
You really feel the gravity. It pulls you down, physically and mentally. You lay there without the energy to move. And it is weird how you really FEEL it. | self.depression |
Giving Up [Originally posted to r/homeless]
Two days ago was my final day at the youth refuge. Two weeks ago was when I entered. I could've been living in that homely shelter for a further four weeks, but I fucked up by getting caught smoking weed (along with two other boys who were kicked out).
Now I wouldn't say I'm stuck. I have a job. I can probably get into another refuge. I could save up enough money to rent a house in a few weeks. But..
Why bother. | self.depression |
I tried to kill myself for the first time and it didn't work I took around 40 pain killers, and mixed them with alcohol. I was hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. But I did wake up, and I feel fine. Still looking for an exit though. | self.SuicideWatch |
Evil menstrual cycle; what can I do? I am 20. I’ve had debilitating periods since high school. I got an IUD a little over 2 years ago. Mirena. It’s great for not getting pregnant and i haven’t had a period till this august.
I’m convinced my period is now making my bipolar symptoms worse. I’m in awful pain and have considered cauterizing my fallopian tubes myself /s. I went from very content on Sunday to i’m so depressed and in agony that i’m missing classes and can’t function. My mood is unstable and I feel exhausted and have been sleeping all the time the last few days. Can’t focus for shit on simple ADLs.
I have a gyno appointment next month. My school semester ends in a few weeks and i’m already behind.
I hate when people tell me to ‘work through it’ and ‘push through’. I feel like a worthless sack of manure even more after people tell me that because all pushing through has been leading to recently is breakdowns and crying and having to leave class. Wtf can I even do? | self.bipolar |
If SSRI alone isn't strong enough alone, what are my options? What medications can be took in combination with an SSRI to help? Or would switching to an SNRI or other AD be more useful? [UK] [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Tried to stop cymbalta, but wanted to kill myself too strongly I don't know what to do. I just went back on. I can't deal with the despair, the feeling like everything is terrible and there's no hope and I should just slit my wrists.
This disorder is just fucking unbelievable.
I was even dreaming about killing myself. Couldn't escape it. | self.bipolar |
I DONT FEEL CRAZY TODAY!!! This is great! Wonder how long it will last lol | self.bipolar |
Moments of peace Most times I feel numb, because I’m trying to force down my anxious feelings and “happily” move through out my day. Other times my mind is racing, and there is just this ball of anxiety inside me that I can’t ignore. Sometimes I have these beautiful moments of happiness, happy for no reason, and I’ll notice those and appreciate it. Noticing it makes the bliss go away, but it’s still nice.
Hope you guys have some moments of bliss tonight ! | self.Anxiety |
I “cant go to a phychiatrist” Hello everyone, this is my very first post over here. So basically I just graduated from medschool in July and I cant do this anymore. I promised myself that I would graduate for my family, but all I cant think about is killing myself...
I have never had the courage to ask for help. I always assumed It would go away eventually. Guess what? It only got worse. The thing is Im deeply ashamed of going to a psychiatrist. Worse I fear the day anyone finds out or if it hurts my future prospects. Not that I have many but if I cant get a residency spot I honestly see no motive to stay alive. Thank you for reading and stay strong (Im a hypocrite I know ;) ) | self.SuicideWatch |
its my birthday in about 3 hours, and im considering deactivating my facebook. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Anyone else feel like John Wick during a manic episode? I feel invincible and ready to roundhouse kick anyone who looks at me funny. | self.bipolar |
I'm smarter than this. I know this is temporary. I know this isn't me. I know (well sort of) that things will get better. Things aren't even that bad outside of my own head. Why do these thoughts still happen? I can't tell anyone. I couldn't deal with the pain it would cause people who care about me, to know that this is on my mind. And I don't want them to misunderstand. I'm not going to DO anything. I don't think. I don't plan to. So no one needs to know it's this bad. I don't want them to be wondering in the future, to be worrying. | self.SuicideWatch |
Employer prying I have told my new job that I have a chronic health condition, but it is under control with medication and specialists. The manager/owner is REALLY pushing trying to find out what it is. I know legally I do not have to disclose, but this is starting to get uncomfortable. How can I politely and professionally get this to stop? Note there isn’t really an option for HR to step in. | self.bipolar |
im fucking up Im fucking up on purpose , its even more depressing i can't open these thoughts up to anyone but to online forum who doesnt even know me. Its so lonely knowing that no one has your back, im fucking up so much, its just me digging a ditch for myself, | self.offmychest |
Am I too old for depression? How old are you all?
I know it's probably silly but I have this feeling I am too old for depression. I am 36 and it feels like the world around me is telling me that I should have all things sorted out by now. And I should be satisfied with what I have.
Only it's not this way and I feel crappy.
So how old is other people in a similar situation?
Thanks. | self.depression |
Just when you think life can't get any worse it does and some scumbag from reddit has to continue harassing you about your gonewild posts. I'm so sick of all this bad luck I've been having lately :( can't catch a break | self.depression |
Just went on instagram and it triggered my depression so bad. So I was in a good mood and decided to open up my instagram as I haven’t been using the app for a wile. Anyways I feel like complete shit now. Mainly because I see all these pictures where people are having a good time with their friends. It just reminds me how I don’t have any fkn friends. Ugh it’s too depressing :(
| self.depression |
Applied for a job for the first time since my grandma died. I've been pretty down since she died in July, but I'm finally starting to try turning things around. This is the only thing I've really done since she died btw. | self.depression |
For those of you who were hospitalized, how did it happen? I was never hospitalized. I just went to my college therapist because of how out of control I was feeling. I always wonder what leads people who didn't seek help before to get hospitalized and get treatment. | self.bipolar |
I'm tired. I don't have what it takes to go on. Like I said, I'm tired. I don't have enough motivation for anything really. I'm an amateur graphic designer and illustrator. There was a time when I used to find great joy in my work but I can't bring myself to do it anymore. Getting out of bed is a chore. I've got friends and yet I'm all alone. I'm getting angrier and angrier and I can't help but take it out on the people around me. In this case, my family. At this point, everyone is probably as tired of me as I am of myself. My parents resent me. Everyone in my family resents me. I am pretty 'high maintenance' after all and my family isn't particularly well off. The fees for the universities I want to join are quite high and the fact that I don't think I'll be able to make it is just making me feel worse about everything.
I have an elder brother who is everything that I'm not. Everyone in the family loves him. He's doing his Masters and he's doing everything right. He's better than me at everything. When I say everything, I mean everything. If there's anything I can do, he can do it better. He's smarter and more likable. Plus, he isn't very 'high maintenance'. He's not a burden. I am.
The thing with my brother is that he is 8 years older than me. He never treated me like an equal. Growing up, he was controlling, selfish and he would get a kick out of ridiculing the things that I loved or enjoyed doing. I think this has contributed to some of my self esteem issues.
Anyway, he has come home from New Jersey (where he is doing his Masters) after a while. By now, some of my issues have become really evident and he's trying to be 'my friend'. He wants to know 'what goes on in my head'. Truth is, he has a very good idea of what's been happening. He knows about me being called 'the wrong sibling' at a party where I was present instead of him.
Since I am the 'wrong sibling', the one who shouldn't exist (I was an unplanned child. Hence, the age difference between me and my brother), I think its time to cease my existence. I've thought about this long and hard. I don't even feel like crying. I'm just hollow. I have done some research and I personally feel like jumping would be the easiest and best way to go. | self.SuicideWatch |
Life seems really pointless. She showed me happiness, and now I'm lower than I've been since I almost killed myself. I'm missing something. Knowing is killing me slowly. [deleted] | self.depression |
Don't touch me if you don't mean it Don't touch me if you don't mean it
Please don't hold my hand, or rub the scar on it. Don't tug on my shirt and tell me you like it. Don't warm my cold hands anymore.
Please don't call me that, or say that to me if it's not genuine. I don't think you understand the weight, maybe you do.
Don't make that joke about fucking me when I know that you're going to be in his bed tonight.
You say there's nothing there, you're just friends, I shouldn't care either way should I?
I fucking hate how you take advantage of how I feel about myself to make yourself feel better, don't touch me anymore please.
I know I'll let you | self.offmychest |
I'm not sure where to go for help, but I'm in need of it right now.. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Forgot meds, but took PRN Hey everyone,
I went to spend the night at my SO's, I totally forgot my meds at home. There was a huge blizzard and I'm stuck here another night. I think it all is okay, but I feel sick to my stomach from missing one day of Lamictal and Lexapro. I found my Vistaril in my backpack and took one but I still feel nauseous and anxious.
I guess I'm not in the best of relationships, to begin with, which amps up my anxiety. I guess I don't know what I'm asking or looking for. What are things to settle my angry stomach? | self.bipolar |
Why am i so unlikable?! Seriously, why am i always "the lonely kid" and why am i always the last choice? I never get invited anywhere and i make ton of effort trying to maintain friendships and make them.
I am always nice and kind to people and I try to be as friendly as possible.
So what the fuck makes me so fucking dislikable?!
I have a "friend" and i found out he was shittalking me.
What the fuck makes you want to shittalk me?! I am always so fucking nice towards fucking everyone!
Just fuck me. I guess my destiny is to be different and un-lovable.
Just fuck this shit. | self.depression |
I failed a class and it's going to take me another semester to graduate [removed] | self.offmychest |
my gP didn't warn me that once you come off anti-depressants you can get withdrawals or your anxiety/depression can re-emerge. I am angry because my GP didn't warn me of side effects or reemerging illness, in the final tapering off stages I had to take 37.5mg of Venlafaxine for 4 weeks and then could stop all together. Although I was tapered off slowly, I wasn't warned about anything after coming off the meds altogether and now I feel angry because If I knew then I probably would have been more diligent and aware of my reoccurring symptoms and been able to prevent being stuck in hell now. Thoughts? | self.Anxiety |
The one thing I care about in my life isn't possible for me to achieve. So I'm killing myself before the end of this year. I have one desire other than dying, I'm not going to bother going into it, but I really want it. I can't get it. It's something that takes work, but for reasons beyond my control, I will not be able to achieve it; it's impossible. Since the one thing I want on this earth is something I will never even come close to achieving, I'm going to kill myself before the end of this year.
That's it. My name is Brandon and this is my decision. | self.SuicideWatch |
I feel no joy I don't really feel sadness so much as I feel emptiness. It is a feeling of something missing in my life and I just can't seem to figure out what it is. I think my current job is a huge culprit regarding this, but I can't seem to escape it. There may be some other factors too.
For instance, I feel no joy or excitement in creating a christmas list for my fiance. I am not excited to get married, just full of anxiety and nervousness. I hate going to work every day. I lift weights 4 days a week, but that doesn't seem to do much in the long run. I feel good immediately after but the feeling goes away.
Anyone else have similar feelings? I think I have been living like this for years. | self.depression |
Damn, what a rough day... I’ll try to make this story as short as possible but a decision occurred today that flared my anxiety badly and I don’t know how to handle it.
Pt. 1: my grandmother, who pretty much raised me, was admitted to the ER last Sunday vomiting and they unfortunately found a tumor that has been localized to the ovary area. A couple of doctors have been in and all but confirmed cancer, preparing us for the diagnosis. Since last Sunday, the hospital has been all over the place, from a lack of testing, to a lack of communication and still haven’t determined the best option. They decided today to move her to a cancer center where I live in Columbus (which is about two hours away). They’re supposed to be transporting her by ambulance tomorrow but hellacious weather has hit the area and we’re not sure whether it’ll actually happen or not. This would give me a chance to catch up with family that would be staying at my place and visit my grandma much more often.
Pt.2- My wife and I have been undergoing a very stressful relationship as of late and she even went as far last night during an argument to say “she wasn’t sure if we were going to make it through this”. Anyways, her immediate family has had a gatlinburg trip planned for quite some time for this weekend. We also have a two year old son and I’ve been very nervous with my wife driving about 6.5 hours away in some of the worst winter weather we’ve had. In addition, I have a feeling that skipping out on the trip would resonate badly with her family, especially the driving with our toddler part.
All in all, I decided to stay home in hopes they would be transporting my grandma to the hospital in Columbus tomorrow, and now I’m basically alone at home regretting the decision I made and the one I would have made had I left on the trip.
Really looking for just support or any clear, concise thinking since it seems I’m incapable of that at the moment. This decision has torn me in half and sent a shock of anxiety I haven’t experienced in a long time. | self.Anxiety |
a poem 'the girl lost on 42nd st.'
she laid on her side staring at her phone
asking the songs why she just didnt belong
their answers she heard them all before
it seems like shed always be wronged
by the heart that was already torn
by the promises that were never sung
by the hand shed never hold
the spirit that she could never get ahold
and the scars on her skin
the red she wanted to see again
thoughts she tried to push away
but it felt like she had them everyday
maybe shed be better if they all went away
forever with a bullet to the brain
with the heart of liar whod promised shed stay
with the soul of the broken who never saw the light of day | self.depression |
I cant Call me an edgy brat if you like but I have something to say. Life feels like an endless web filled with unbeatable games. Nobody takes them seriously, not even me. I cant keep this up. I just want to stay home and sleep for the rest of my life, and I seriously regret waking up. Everyday I get stepped on by my peers, and I mean this in a literal sense, all I ever get from them is a half assed "My bad" as they run away. I cant tell if they hate me or if they just don't care. My family thinks I'm a failure and they are only nice to me when they need something. All my so called friends think I'm retarded and that's all people think of me as now. But of course, according to everyone I've talked to, every single thing that has happened is my fault and only mine. So yeah. I honestly don't know why I'm still wasting air. | self.depression |
Why the hell are we forced to stay alive? It's 2017. People can do many things without much resistance right now. They can be whoever they feel like. They can be a man or a woman because they feel that way. But why can't we DIE because we feel like we are DEAD? We can euthanize animals and it's okay, because there is no way to fix their illness and it will be better if they don't suffer. Why don't we get the same treatment? Everyone except my therapist has announced my situation "impossible to recover" or "no way out". I bet my therapist is just barely standing her place so she can still get paid by me. There is no good coming from being alive for me. Please put an end to my suffering. | self.depression |
Anyone have family that reject the disorder/diagnosis? I just need to get this off my chest because I think I've almost come to accept this as normal but now I realise it's actually completely fucked up.
I can't mention the word bipolar around any of my immediate family. They act like it is a curse word, and that I'm rude for even saying it. If I ever mention doctors visits or medication it's still met with an almost interrogative reply along the lines of "why do you need a doctor". It feels like I'm just considered as lazy. Or that this is something dirty and taboo that shouldn't be in the family. (I've also been sober for a year, but will still get offered drinks sometimes. The concept of having an alcoholic in the family is probably similarly disgusting, and they just want me to show that I can actually have just two drinks)
I'm busy imagining what it would be like if I had a 'physical' illness that was similarly disabling. They'd want to know everything about it's diagnosis, treatment and course. They'd be researching it, doing everything to help, and making sure I was going to all the follow up appointments.
But for mental illness, it seems like we're blamed for being born with this. | self.bipolar |
Not sure how I’ve decided it’s time. It’s not so much I don’t have anything to live for because I have my gf and maybe my future won’t be so bad. It doesn’t matter though. I’ve gotten myself in situations I can’t dig myself out of and so this is it. I want to tell my gf to spare her some feelings when I️m gone. | self.SuicideWatch |
Caught sneaking to a boys house, grounded for a month To start with, I am an 18 year old female and I still live at home with my dad, brother (22), and sister (27). I do not have a job but I am studying at community college to become a paralegal.
I had my first real boyfriend, we'll call him R, in 8th grade. We dated for 9 months and he broke up with me without reason and we stopped talking. Although I didn't love him, he broke my heart and I never thought we'd speak again. We hadn't talked in almost 5 years when he messaged me on instagram in September 2017. In short, he said even though he was young, he realized he made a mistake by leaving me and has regretted it ever since. He just turned 20. He was married at 18 and is now in the process of a divorce. The woman he married (20) was very abusive, mentally and physically. She said she would ruin his life if he did not marry her and she made him believe that he could not get anyone better and that his family didn't love him. He said he had not stopped thinking about me ever since he realized that he loved me. He said he did not get in contact with me sooner because he was scared that I would reject him.
Honestly, when he messaged me after 5 years, I was surprised but I didn't think we would continually talk. He was in the Army at the time. The longer I talked to him, the more I remembered what I liked about him and I began to miss him. We talked everyday and he was honorably discharged from the army because of a noncombat leg injury. He came home November 2. Although I was nervous to see him, I agreed to hangout with him. When we hungout for the first time after almost 5 years of not talking, it was like we never left each other. We clicked again. He has changed a great deal since 8th grade.
As I said, I am 18 and live at home. My dad is kind of old fashioned and thinks that you can't have a friend of the opposite sex without something going on between them. I'm the youngest and a girl, so my dad is most protective of me. I told my dad when my ex first messaged me and said that he believes I am the love of his life. My dad said to "stay away from him because it didn't work out the first time." I didn't say anything after that.
I hungout with R almost everyday. I told him I didn't know if I wanted a relationship and I especially didn't want one since he was only separated, and not divorced yet. We would just sit there and cuddle and watch netflix. I told my dad I was going to a friend's house. This was a believable lie because I was truly over at a friend's house everyday in the summer. I stayed the night at R's 3 times. On December 16th, I was at R's apartment planning to stay the night. My dad called me and asked to talk to the "friend" whose house I said I was at. I panicked and hung up. I knew that I was caught and I couldn't get out of it. I came home and he didn't yell, which I was sure he would do. Long lecture short, he said he was disappointed that I lied to him and that it was inappropriate for me to stay at R's apartment. I am now grounded for a month and not allowed to see R for now. I miss him like crazy and have no motivation to do anything. I've done nothing but sit on the couch and watch netflix. I had so much fun just hanging out with R. Now I sit here alone all day while my dad, brother, and sister are at work. I'm so frustrated. I've snuck out to see R 2 times in the week I've been grounded. I don't want to lie to my dad but R makes me happy and I want to see him. My dad himself said that he can't keep me from seeing him. It seems to me like he can because he pays my car insurance and I live under his roof. My dad is opposed to me dating him because he has been married already. He doesn't understand that R was made to believe he couldn't find anyone better than his soon-to-be ex wife and was threatened into marriage.
I don't have a job because I have anxiety, depression, and OCD. These conditions are not as bad as they once were but I am nervous to get a job because I don't catch onto things so easily. I also live in a small town so there isn't many job opportunities.
I am willing to wait until he is officially divorced to give dating a try with him. I care so much about him and he makes me happy whenever we're together.
If anyone could offer some comforting words I would greatly appreciate it. I know this is all my fault. I lied in the first place because I knew my dad wouldn't have let me see R if I had been upfront and asked to see him. Advice would also be appreciated. Thank you to whoever has taken the time to read all of this.
EDIT: I have never done anything "bad." I've never smoked, drank, or had sex, even though all of my friends in high school did. This is the only time I've ever been in trouble. | self.offmychest |
"Have to admit, it's getting better". I thank you all. Truly and sincerely. You've been my side to lean on when I was feeling down, but I truly feel like myself again.
I still have intrusive thoughts, but then I do my coping mechanism that several of you have taught me. Not directly towards me, but to other people. It helps.
Thank you. Really. | self.depression |
will i get into any colleges?? (long and rambly) basically i went through high school with untreated adhd, depression, and anxiety. i got diagnosed with depression and anxiety junior year but it wasn't until first semester senior year that i was diagnosed with adhd. so i basically had no time to adjust to any medication or anything like that. i ended up graduating with a 2.8 gpa and decided to take a gap year before going to college.
this year off has been a much needed break: i've been fortunate enough to go traveling and all that good stuff you do on gap years. but i'm still stressed about applying to schools. the final deadline is in a couple of days and i haven't even started my essays for the applications and i literally don't have the will power to do it. and every time i sit down and try to focus on it i literally can't do anything it's like i forget how to function. and it doesn't help that my parents are up my ass about this 24/7 and literally ask me every 5 seconds if i'd finished it and i don't think i can take it anymore.
i don't even know what i want to do anymore. like i know that i want to go to college but am i really ready? will i even have a chance of getting into the school i want to go to (it has like a 75% acceptance rate but there's a really specific program that i'm trying to get into). IM STRESSED
| self.depression |
My brain is a war zone Im tired of fighting to struggle on another day. Im 23 and trapped in a nightmare. I want to die and have done with it all. I crave it, need it, want it over and maybe this time I'll find the resolve to follow through. | self.SuicideWatch |
Forgive the unremorseful? Without going into the details of my mental health, I have a severe learning disability and dysthymia (now known as persistent depressive disorder) since childhood. In addition, I am agnostic which needs to be included to explain.
My older brother is deeply conservative, and has spent his time from childhood to adulthood berating me. I am doomed to hell because I do not believe. I am lazy because I need more time to do things because of my learning disability. I am weak because of my dysthymia.
I'm 33 years old now and earlier this year received ECT (electric shock therapy), as medication was failing. While the ECT did not cure me it did lessen the severity of the suicidal thoughts to a point that I am making progress to likely get off disability and back out there after on and off success.
My parents want me to hash things out with my brother to 'heal' the family, as they have at my request kept my brother in the dark much of my treatment and conditions severity. The reason I requested this cone of silence, was that I found it better to keep my brother out of the loop so he cannot use anything against me.
As an addition to my parents request for 'healing', they have asked me to not look for my brother to apologize, but to simply move on. I personally cannot accept that, as he enjoyed pushing me down, and I feel foolish forgiving someone who is not sorry and then acting like it never happened or will not happen again.
My parents argue he was attempting to apply tough love and that my brother was just trying to motivate me out of love, but I do not see it that way. I see it as someone kicking another while they are down.
So I ask you Reddit. Should I forgive the unremorseful? And if so, why? As it is the why I do not get. For right now I feel like my parents, do not want drama in the family, and want to just sweep it under the carpet then accept that one of their sons took pleasure tormenting the other.
| self.depression |
Why are we here? Well well well, what have here... yet another story in the madness of the world. Materialism is the devil and the only thing that I live for is lettuce. That funk is completely off the chain. Can't get enough of what you really yearn for. Keep your feet on the ground, your head in the sky, and your heart open. Does anyone else ever think about how the hardest stuff to accomplish starts from the bottom and then ends up where you least expect it? The last thing that you want to do is succumb to the thoughts of those around you and take your standing and throw it out the window. What we do matters more than we think it does. The present moment is all that truly gives and what our actions determine where we adventure on to next. All of the love in the universe can't allow for those unexpected moments when you just need a little something to lean on. We all could use some support from time to time and what revelations we accrue will stay with us for eternity. The cycle is never seen through to the great beyond because there somehow always is that one event in between where you are and where you want to be that is changing your life for the good or for the better. You can't get caught up in the unknown. What we learn in our daily churning becomes who we are in future endeavors . What we live for is always on the other side of the mountain and our own expression of our existence is what makes us whole and secure. Keep on walking along and keeping your humanity singular for as long as you can avoid having to answer to those who don't condone your style of being. The things that are loved most by humans are external materialistic items and can always be acquired at a later date. What we say can only do so much. It matters up to a certain point but it can only pertain to what's actually going on. Some events can't be controlled and will continue to happen despite the house rules. What we are is but infinitesimally small particles in the never ending cosmos. Amen. Keep the flow going so we can bare the unbearable and move along to the next available spot to let loose and forget all of the uncalled for spouts that others have pushed on the present. There is no reason to avoid the inevitable and delay what has to be done. We are who we say we are and those around you can't define your personal aspirations. Although we can't always strive for the best we can be, the next step will help us chonder on into the infinite abyss and conquer the Great Wall. Sometimes things can work out in unexpected ways. It's okay to settle for a little less than what you're capable of if you're surrounded by company you hold dear to your heart. As long as you are open to new encounters and can handle taking a step back, the future still has the possibility to be bright. What we imagine our future to be will always be what we want it to be if diction holds true at any given point. People have different intentions when they speak to you and trying to find out what the crux of the conversation is can be quite a mystery. Furthermore, we will always return to our previous state and continue to grow regardless of external forces. The most beautiful moments in life can't be quantized or confined by the matrix. Even though we want to fly like we used to, sometimes circumstances can hinder us from taking our ideas and turning them into a reality. The more that you can do with what you currently have, the more you can give back to those who need support. Although you can't pull it all the way through constantly, fences will inevitably constrain your stride to what it currently is. The best we can be will never be who we presently are. Better things are always on the horizon and we can create new encounters from far away places where eyes can not lay sight. | self.offmychest |
Lines In this skin is engraved the pain I'm in
In these lines and creases that should not have been for another 5 or maybe 10
My age swings wildly by the flow of my day
If good I'm 14 if bad I'm 34
Lines natural and those created
These lines yell stories that could never be communicated
I stood and waited
My lines open and naked showing my fear and struggle unabated | self.offmychest |
Depression is my own fault. Hello, I just want to know if someone here has the same situation as me. So my problem is that whenever my mood is not awful, I start making everything worse. There is just that weird desire to make my life bad again, to isolate myself again, to cause myself depression. I really can't understand it. And then, when I successfully destroyed everything around me, I enjoy the time of feeling terrible and constantly thinking about suicide, while I also regret becoming depressed again.
It is very unlogical and I can't do anything about it. I can't say that I like depression, but it feels like becoming better is even worse. Actually my life should be really great. I have many chances and opportunities and I received a lot of support. And that makes me hate myself even more than usual, because a lot of people can only dream of the life I have, and I am just destroying it. I thought, that it was just some weird phase and I would have everything under control. I thought I could stop with this anytime, but then I tried it and failed. I am not seeking help here. I just want to know whether someone also experiences this and what you think about it. | self.depression |
Anticipating anxiety Hey everyone, I hope you’re all managing your anxiety the best that you can. I just need to vent a little bit.
Lately I’ve noticed that whenever I acknowledge that I’m anxiety-free, it ends up generating anxiety. It’s as if my mind is compelled to find something to obsess about. Often times I end up obsessing over something that I thought I had gotten over, but it suddenly feels fresh.
It’s really frustrating because I should be enjoying these obsession-free moments, but I can’t seem to let myself. I work really hard to tolerate the everyday anxiety, but I’ve never been able to really reap in any benefits. I live with it, and that’s it. It’s just becoming so rare that I have a consistently good day, because there’s always something. I feel so demoralized, and the idea that my anxiety disorder will be with me for the rest of my life just hurts and makes me angry. I don’t like self-pity and feeling sorry for myself, but it’s just been so hard to take. It impacts my job, my relationship with my girlfriend, and I just can’t handle it. I’ve been in therapy countless times, I take SSRIs, but I can never seem to get a leg up on this problem.
That’s it. Thanks for reading, and any comments are appreciated. Good luck to you all. I know we can all manage this bullshit and live happy lives. I, for one, just need to get back on track. I’ll keep fighting this for as long as I have to, I just want a break sometimes. | self.Anxiety |
I'm so depressed about my looks and the racism towards my ethnicity (Indian). Hello, this is a stream of consciousness type rant. I seem to have relapsed back into the previous rant shitposting that I'm more than sure that some people might recognize.
The other day, I was literally called ugly by my own mother. I can't escape reality now.
This is what i look like.
When you see my face from the side, my chin literally goes back into my face. I'm so fucking horrendous.
I can't stand it. I am so angered at, nobody in particular... but only myself, I guess?
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I hate being Indian. I don't hate Indians. I love our history, our culture, our languages, our people... but I hate BEING Indian. I hate having to explain to annoying "progressives" that think that India is an extremely misogynistic country or the like.
Even if it is, I don't see what I have to do with it? Why can't I be associated with the thousands of Indian men that marched for the rapists to receive justice? Nope. Guess I can march for my country's women, get hosed by the police, but I'm still an evil Indian rapist. Great.
Now that's not something I've gotten more than twice IRL, and dozens of times online but I hardly care about the latter, but I still wanted to mention it.
Indians are seen by everyone, even Indians themselves, as undesirable. It's a pain.
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This is what I look like: https://imgur.com/a/GVzoB
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Now the weird thing is that I don't even know if I have a sexuality. I sometimes imagine myself as asexual.
This is because:
1. I find breasts and women in general to be attractive
2. I am repulsed to sex and vagina (receiving oral sex or a handjob is the only thing I'm not repulsed by)
I wouldn't classify myself to be asexual, but possibly I might be?
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It's not even with dating or girls, I don't have romantic feelings to people or anything. I'm sick and tired of having been born flawed and ugly like this, and feeling ugly.
I don't know why I even dislike being ugly, because it's not like I care about it possibly impacting my relationships or friendships or anything like that.
For a while, I seemed to forget about my physical appearance.
Is physical appearance just the elephant in the room?
Whenever people talk about physical appearance like this, and call themselves ugly, the number one point of advice they receive is "you're not even ugly."
What about the fact that, according to people I've asked IRL and the internet /r/amiugly and /b/ and even this subreddit, I am ugly?
What do I do then?
"Ugly" is literally an insult for things. I'm supposed to deal with the fact that my presentation is a literal insult?
I'm fuming.
/rant over | self.depression |
Should I tell my current boyfriend that i have chesting on him with my ex? I was with this guy for three years. He was the first boyfriend I had.
He was the first guy I kissed and had sex with. We broke up because he was doing heroin and went to jail. He has been clean for over a year. A couple nights ago he came to my work asked me if I wanted hang out the next day. I have been dating a different guy for a couple months.
I decided to to hang out with my ex Wednesday. We hung out and then went back to my and my current boyfriends apartment to watch a movie while he was at work. He told me that he still loves me and we started kissing and had sex on my current boyfriend's bed. My ex came to my work yesterday and made out in his car when I was on break.
My boyfriend asked me this morning who I am always texting, why I have become distant and why I keep sleeping on the couch instead of in bed with him.
I still have a lot of feelings for my ex but I don't want to hurt my current boyfriend. What should I do? | self.Anxiety |
CNN is good for searching out the truth but man do they love to prey on anxiety on certain things as well. This is why I love Canadian based networks they focus more on the information and less on the fear. Advice to those south of the border. Try watching a Canadian based channel if you can you will notice a difference. | self.Anxiety |
Anyone here that has been alone more than 8 years and have literally no friend? I'm just curious and I also kinda dont wanna feel so alone. It makes me feel pathetic when people talk about fun times they had with friends and I can't do the same. Cause I never had any | self.depression |
Getting used to thoughts about committing suicide. With every day, I think more about ending my life, I know I won't anytime soon but the burden of all these tasks in life just makes me want to end it each time I think about them. | self.depression |
Anxiety Names? I’m curious but how many people have actually given their anxiety a name? | self.Anxiety |
Lithium questions I’ve been on lithium for coming up on two weeks this Wednesday, 300mg twice a day, for anxiety/depression that is most likely due to bipolar 2. So far it’s been fantastic, but I had a few questions.
1. I had my blood work done on Saturday, about a week and a half after starting, and my serum lithium is 0.4. Is this level likely to change at all with more time, or is it likely that this is the consistent level that 600mg puts me at?
2. Will my risk of thyroid and kidney damage be substantially reduced if I decide to stay at this low level? Those negative long term effects were my biggest reservations about taking it, am I substantially less likely to be part of the supposed “1/3” of people who get end organ damage if I just stay at this level?
3. How long does it take for the effects to fully stabilize? I’ve heard the antidepressant effects take longer to set in. Additionally, I am a little less sharp and eloquent on it. Is this something that subsides with time? | self.bipolar |
I know it’s late, so you should all be asleep But I’m not. I just finished some series online an hour ago. Really good if you ask me. Now I’m in my car, lying down in the backseat and yelling. Just yelling and kicking the door because of all. This.
Shit.
I felt compelled to come here after my show, I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because I could feel myself unraveling again. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m sick of everything and everyone and I have nobody to say any of this to so this is where I’m putting it.
It’s cold in this car. But it’s above freezing at least. 33°F. I don’t want to go back to my dorm and deal with all the bullshit back there. Maybe I’ll just stay here for the night. Who knows.
Goodnight all. | self.depression |
Struggling severe mania at the moment I'm diagnosed and on medication. I've been taking it religiously and been seeing a weekly cbt therapist.
Last week and a bit longer I've had full blown mania. No sleep, feeling euphoric, getting shit done and now it's all gone dark. There are people watching me, certain colours are acting as symbols for things I can only see. If I don't do things right then all my loved ones will suffer and be hurt. I thought I snapped out of the mania yesterday and today and something my boyfriend said and did absolutely triggered me into more of this insanity.
I'm so confused about what's real and not and I don't know how to make sense of anything that's happening.
Does anyone have an suggestions? I don't want to go into inpatient as that screwed me up way worse and I just don't know how to make sense of what's happening in my head. | self.bipolar |
Current coping strategy - everything is epilogue Things have gotten near unbearable, and my old coping strategy just isn't working anymore, so I tried something new. It worked today anyway (for the most part). I can't say it will work tomorrow, buy maybe, and I am definitely going to keep at it.
First, I decided that things actually will not ever get better, at least through any actions of my own, because I am either incapable of those of actions or will fuck them up and make things worse, or because they are just superficial ways to paper over the real unfixable thing that is wrong.
Second, and crucially, I decided that things can't really get fundamentally worse either. I'm already miserable all the waking day, what can life do to me? Take more things away? Those things weren't helping. Add more shame and guilt? I already see the next avalanche, who cares how fast or slow it gets here? Take away people I love? Most have left; the rest are here by familial obligation and are no kind of support system.
It follows that nothing can hurt me anymore! The external components of my depression have no power; you went too far Depression, now you have no leverage!!
In a sense, I died. It was a good life, depression notwithstanding, I'm glad I experienced it pain and all, now it's over, at least in any meaningful sense. To society: Go ahead and kick that guy, he's not down, he's dead!!
And because he's dead, I'm not him, I am his ghost. I wander, do what I will, impervious to the pain, and sometimes there will even be nice moments; that's just gravy on top of the life already lived, and so I still wander, because who knows. There is no reason for guilt or shame; you're just speaking disrespectfully of the dead when you push it on me. No reason for loss - everything is gone. Why are we talking about the dead guy anyway? We can't help him, he's gone.
Will it work forever? Doubtful. But I'm trying it. I tell no one but Reddit; it's important to keep this secret and sacred, in case it works. And if it brings back hope thus invalidating itself, well, that's a lot further than where I am now.
Maybe it will help someone; I hope so. I am a friendly ghost. | self.depression |
Well, I’m dying alone. I met a guy a few weeks ago who is absolutely fantastic. We have a lot of shared interests, get along really well, and enjoy each other’s company. Last night the topic of exclusivity came up, and I panicked so much I started crying. The reason? My last relationship consisted of 7 months of constant emotional and sexual abuse. I was able to walk away from it eventually but I had to get the police involved to make sure he never troubled me or my family again.
That was in 2014 - I haven’t trusted anyone since then and I’m very reluctant to call anyone my significant other. Even this man who always makes me smile, always gets consent, and seems to genuinely care about my feelings. I’ve had counselling and therapy on it but if I can’t even undress in front of someone without trembling with anxiety then how the hell am I supposed to build a relationship with someone I really want to date?
I feel such an instantaneous connection with this man. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, and I want so much for it to work out. But I’m so fucking broken from that arsehole three years ago that I’m going to have to turn him down like I’m going to have to turn everybody down because who in the hell wants to date a woman who flinches and yelps if you touch her at the wrong time? I’m sick of my life being ruined by one man who probably feels no remorse for all the times he raped me. I won’t ever be normal again and it’s all his fucking fault. | self.offmychest |
what up my name's op i'm 19 years old and i never learned how to fuckin come out 16, actually, but whatever.
I don't even know if I *am* gay. I've never kissed a girl before. Or a boy. I don't even know how two girls do the do (no advice wanted there 💀💀💀 I want to keep this post SFW) and the only lesbian I know is insane.
I don't want to come out to my sisters, because I think the older one might be gay (based on something someone said to her 4 years ago though so who knows) and out me to protect herself and the younger one is homophobic.
My mom thinks they're all perverts and my dad thinks they're, for lack of a better word, SJWs. The worst bit about my parents is that they don't *think* they're even a tiny bit prejudiced. My dad has like two gay coworkers and thinks that makes him an authority on all that stuff (i.e. he wasn't into gay marriage because they said gay people have never wanted to get married) and he describes leftist women as "the feminist lesbian type". So.
Honestly the person I would be most comfortable telling is my grandma. I know she wouldn't disown me but she's sort of gossipy so idk. I don't care if she tells my grandpa because he seems okayish but if she told Dad... I was thinking of telling her and then saying that because I'm not telling anyone else, if someone else confronts me I'll know she talked. I wouldn't try to get revenge or anything petty like that I just wouldn't tell her anything important, ever.
I don't think my parents would disown me or harm me if they found out, but my mother *really* wants grandkids and my dad would probably treat me differently since he thinks "lesbian" is right next to "communist" on whatever you measure political alignment on. I don't want to disappoint them but I don't want to give them false hope.
Furthermore, my parents aren't quiet people and their house isn't huge. I think my sisters would overhear them (because I know they'd discuss it together even if I asked them not to) and then I'd be screwed. Homophobic school and all.
Advice wanted, I guess? I don't really mind either way, just don't send me creepy PMs. What do you guys think about my grandparents? (Also I know rule 1 says not to interrogate me but if you want to, go ahead. I probably missed something dumb) | self.offmychest |
In a funk or sorts All of the past couple of weeks I’ve felt super creative and have knitted a moebius scarf, a vest, and more squares for my blanket. I’ve sewn a tunic too. But today, all that desire to create is just gone like it was never there. I don’t want to do anything. How do I get out of this funk?? Why do I have no desire to paint, draw, sew, or knit or read or write anymore? They’re all things I usually enjoy. | self.bipolar |
The drugs don’t work They don’t.
They just don’t.
I am not depressed without reason. I can readily provide a list of specific reasons as to my unhappiness. And if these reasons are removed from my life I’d be happier.
So no the drugs can’t help me. | self.depression |
A manga about a girl who suffers from communications disorder I thought was worth sharing this manga is called Komi-san wa Komyushou. It's about a girl, who everyone thinks she's perfect, when in reality, she has a problem simply talking to people, a lot like anxiety, such as walking into a store, only to leave immediately because she got scared, to having trouble to saying how she feels, to writing what she wants to say on paper, which, I sometimes do myself, back when I was in a technical school. couldn't talk to anyone normally unless i knew them for like a month in class. Later, she becomes friends with someone, who tries to help her make friends and socialize.
reading about it reminded me a bit of myself, especially the writing out instead of talking bit and being nervous around people, and also my friend, who is a bit like her as well.
I'm not trying to offend anyone, nor am I trying to make light of anyone's problems. I just figured it would be nice to share this, and see what people think about it.
[here] (http://mangapark.me/manga/komi-san-wa-komyushou-desu) is the link to it. Version 1 has all the chapters, but version 2 and 3 have chapter 0 if you're interested in it.
Edit: I highly recommend reading chapter 0 to see what you think of it beforehand. think of it as the Pilot Episode. | self.Anxiety |
I honestly can’t believe you did that to me. I trusted you.
I trusted you, and you took that trust and rolled it up into a ball and crushed it.
I know we have our differences, but this time it was too far, even for you.
How even could you do that? For even a second, did you even put yourself in my shoes and think about how that would make me feel?
Of course you didn’t. You never do.
But you can make sure, if you ever do what you did to me to anyone else, I’ll personally do everything in my power to bring justice to you.
This was too severe.
I was over halfway too.
It’s an unwritten rule.
DON’T ERASE SOMEONE’S MARIO SAVE.
SO MAD RN. | self.offmychest |
Have any of you seen a therapist if so how did it work out? | self.Anxiety |
I don't think it will ever improve cause I never improve. This isn't some sad prediction about my future, this is a realisation that nothing will change if I don't change it. For some reason I refuse to change it.
When I go out to parties I like to drink and smoke and normally it leaves me emotionally unstable and suicidal. It fucks me up emotionally for a few days. I've tried going out sober but when it comes to it I get scared and stressed so I quickly grab a few drinks and drown out those feelings. On Tuesday I drowned out those feelings so much that I had my first panic attack then threw up bile into a toilet for over two hours.
Drinking is starting to ruin some of my friendships. A girl I talk to, who I think I'm falling in love with, told me she doesn't feel that she can talk to me when I'm fucked up cause I'm so unstable. She feels if she can't talk to me then we can't be friends. I apologise afterwards every time but she is tired of hearing me say sorry and never improving so I might lose a friend forever.
I'm going out on saturday, I'm going to try and go sober. Partly to save my friendship, regardless of the fact that she has told me it can't be for her because I'm fairly sure she doesn't come close to thinking of me that way and just feels responsible for me. But also to prove to myself that I can actually try. I'm meant to be starting some counseling soon and being assessed for therapy but both of those will be fucking useless if my worthless self won't do the work.
If I fail on saturday then I'm going to finally get round to killing myself because if i can't do that then there is no hope I ever improve so I may as well save everyone some stress. It won't be the first time I've left the house with the intention of dying, won't be the first time I've stood on the edge of a train platform and tried to jump. Hopefully, if I fail at being sober, I can at least succeed at dying. | self.SuicideWatch |
What's the point in pretending? A little back story: I've been dealing with social anxiety (which isn't bad anymore, thank god) and high functioning clinical depression (dysthimia) for about 4 years. I'm 19.
Because of the anxiety, that at the beginning was wayyyy worse than my depression, no one could even guess I was depressed. Hiding it was the only choice for me, since my fear of people left me so paralized I couldn't deal with the thought of someone knowing I was depressed. Eventually I managed to tell some people and get help.
Problem is, now my anxiety (that has become generalized now, somehow) is so much better than ot used to be that my depression is way worse than it. That doesn't sound like a bad thing, but hear me out.
Hiding my depression and having to act happy all the time actually made me feel better. But now I'm having a very bad depreasive episode and I'm so unmotivated that I don't want to pretend to be halpy anymore. I know I'll regret it later, when this feeling passes, but right now I'm afraid I'll blow years of hard work just because of a couple bad days.
Nothing seems to have a point anymore. I can't think of a reason to care what people think of me. Can't think of a reason to smile when I feel like crying. Can't think of a reason to get up and out of bad and go to work and be nice to people and chat and not fucking cut myself again. I miss it so bad.
If you made it through all that, thanks. I don't want to tell this to anyone irl, so this is kind of my only outlet. Hope you have a better day than me. | self.depression |
Talking about anxiety with your family Okay so this is a very complex topic but I need to just get it off my chest now, because I need help. Recently, my anxiety and mental health has deteoriated so quickly I'm terrified that I'm totally losing control. I've had meltdowns in school so bad that the teachers have suggested therapy and seeing a doctor because I'm just totally losing it. And I know I'm on the way to a full blown breakdown. But in order to get help I need to start a conversation with my mum about my mental health, and that's hard.
Don't get me wrong, she accommodates my anxiety and is very understanding, but she is also firmly of the mindset that I choose to be this way, and that mental illness isn't an illness. How do I get past that and get her to have a serious conversation about getting me therapy or a doctor, because I know I need it, but she doesn't believe in therapy so I'm kinda stuck.. | self.Anxiety |
I feel so damned tired all the time. I don't know how to stop feeling so tired all the time. It's like I spend half of my life sleeping.
My SO's getting worried, and I wish I could fix it so he didn't have to be. I know I'm not physically sick this time - it's just the depression - but I have no idea how to stop being depressed. | self.depression |
Should I move away? So I currently fighting depression full-time, but I'm going to have to go back to university eventually. Part of me is tempted to move away from my home town to a place where I don't know anybody, but another part of me is afraid that if I do that, I'll be all alone with my suffering. I like my home town, and I have friends and a very supportive family here, but I'm so tempted to run away from it all. Does anyone have any experience with this? | self.depression |
I’m scared to go clean my clothes at the laundromat because of bedbugs and lice [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Miserable people trying to bring others down. Just be kind! I go to a sandwich shop and I'm polite and the person on the other side of the counter was awful. I work in retail. I get the feeling when customers are assholes but if they're not there is no reason for you to be. You leave all your shit at the door and you serve customers with respect. You do your best. Don't try to bring anyone down! Don't be that asshole! If you hate your job that much quit. Look for another job. Don't sit there and try to make me feel bad for giving the store business. It wasn't even close to closing. I made sure. I don't like being that person who comes in ten minutes before.
That person is why the saying "people suck" exists. That's pretty sad. I'm going to remember that person as a miserable fuck. You don't know how far a smile can go. You never know how far kindness can go. Just be nice to other people you don't know what they're going through, and honestly no one needs your negative shit.
Okay. I'm done. | self.offmychest |
What are you currently taking? What are you taking at the moment with minimal side effects? What did you have to quit taking cause of cost or side effects? If you quit cause of cost/insurance, what do you wish you were still on? If you're on one you love, why do you love it? What does it do for you that you need?
I'm new to diagnosis and trying to find what works. | self.bipolar |
I hate just about every aspect of my life. I (f17) have battled with depression for my whole life, it comes and goes, but in the long run, I hate absolutely everything about my life. I hate my height, figure, face, hair texture/color. I hate my personality, I'm very skittish, I hate how I talk and sound, I hate how my hands look and the way I sit. I hate how I crave food 10 minutes after eating a meal, I ate how I always feel sorry for myself. I hate how I'm jewish which everyone calls "abnormal", I hate how I don't have a normal family (I don't like with my mom or dad, only my grandpa), I hate how my older brother has skitzotypical personality disorder and never talks to me, I hate how my mom is an obese drug addict who is narcissistic and stays in my life, and I hate how every day I see myself turning into her more and more. I hate absolutely every aspect of my life. I feel guilty eating anything from fried chicken to a single piece of lettuce, I struggle with my weight. I despise mirrors and cameras because I hate being reminded of how I look. i am embarrassed to go out into public every day. I have no friends now I used to have 2 very close friends but one of them stopped talking to me without warning (I don't know why, I've tried reaching out but no response) and the other I cut off probably out of jealousy or just anger. I miss my friends more then anything and think about them every day. I don't have actual parents so I don't have a support system. I feel alone in life, with barely any interaction with others, I walk alone at school just to be alone at home. the thought of being like my mother haunts me everyday. I don't know what else to do at this point, I feel like things are always getting worse all the time. my depression makes me not want to leave my house at all. I'm completely lost and spend most of my time crying or holding back tears. I hate my life and I want to make it desperately better but I fear that It can't be better, when I see others being happy I always assume its fake, I've never experienced real joy and I'm starting to think it docent exist. I have no clue what anyone could say to make me feel better but I'm desperate for some piece of hope. | self.depression |
I found the source of my anxiety I should have listened to my instincts from the beginning. I have been carrying the stress and anxiety in my shoulders and have been in chronic pain, and suddenly—no pain. It is the greatest feeling in the world and I will no longer be around toxic people. Can’t tell you how happy I am and looking forward to being stable instead of on edge the entire day.
Wanted to share the good news with you all. | self.bipolar |
I just want someone to tell me that it's going to be okay I'm incredibly sad tonight. I feel like I am losing everything all at once. Three weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me, completely out of the blue. I'm still heartbroken.
My mom is my biggest support system, but she's going to be out of the state for nine weeks starting next week. I'll only be able to call her, and the house is going to feel so empty and lonely. I usually spend my weekend with her when classes are in session, but I don't know what I'm going to do with that time with her not here.
The crushing blow now is that we have to put my dog down. We have had him for ten years, his entire life, but he's sick and there's no treatment outside of a very risky surgery that he probably wouldn't survive at his age. He is the best dog and I love him so much. I don't want him to be in pain anymore, but I also don't know how I'm going to cope with having to say goodbye to him.
It just feels like all of these things are hitting me all at once, and I'm drowning in sadness. I was already struggling with depression, and it just gets worse and worse every day.
Am I ever going to feel better? Does the weight ever lift? | self.offmychest |
I hate animal advocates and I’m a giant animal advocate [deleted] | self.offmychest |
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