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Dating with depression 27/M with depression and never had a girlfriend. It's always been a pretty big priority for me, being as lonely a guy as I am. I'm on a few dating sites and can't get much attention there.
I'd like to start meeting women outside of sites but depression and anxiety make my mind freeze (or sometimes race) and I can't say anything. My self esteem is terrible. When I'm with people I know, I can be pretty charming, but not when I'm meeting people for the first time or working up the courage to speak.
Recently, I went on 4 great dates with a girl from a dating site who eventually broke it off and told me why (and it had nothing to do with me, truly). This is really discouraging.
I just need advice, or even just a pep talk, so I can have more courage. | self.depression |
I don't know where I'm going I hope it's OK to post this here, I really wasn't sure where to go but I have to say something to someone, even invisible internet people.
I've always struggled with depression and anxiety, life hasn't made trying to cope with it any easier (Divorced, Army Vet, and other things). There isn't enough space to get all of that out so I'll just start from recent happenings. About six months ago my partner left me after two years of being together. The messed up part of that is that I had just started therapy again a couple months prior to that and was drinking less, just got a new job, and was becoming a better and happier person. I'm glad I had already started therapy when she left, I firmly believe I wouldn't be here today without that. To be clear, I am in no way suicidal.
I have never felt more alone in my life. I grew up all over the country constantly moving so I don't have a "home" or childhood friends. I don't even know what that feels like. I only moved here a few years ago and in dealing with continued (sometimes worsening) depression and anxiety, I am in a self isolated state. I don't have anyone to talk to aside from my therapist who I already see twice a week. We haven't found the right meds for me either which has been an awful and painful process as well. I do my best to put on the mask of someone who is happy and "normal" but inside I feel like I'm rotting. I see people once a week or so because I need some kind of social interaction but none of them really know me, none of them have even bothered to try to. I feel like they see me out of pity, because they made plans with others and I was invited just because I was in the vicinity. I feel like I'm a burden and a nuisance to them.
I don't feel like I have any substantial relationship in my life. I feel closer to my therapist than my own parents and getting out of bed is getting increasingly more difficult. I want to just lay there in some pathetic hope that I will just magically stop being miserable. I'm not sure when, or if there even was one particular moment, that I broke. I don't trust people with the real me, I don't think they could handle it and frankly, I can't even handle it. I don't know how what friendship is really, I've always thought, if I can't talk about who I am and vent or cry with then we aren't really friends. I don't even know if that is wrong. I am not even sure what the "right" idea is about things anymore. I over think and self sabotage all the ideas that run through my head. I keep putting up walls without tearing down the old ones after everything that happens. I feel like I've lost myself. I don't know what a sense of worth feels like, I feel like I'm just a waste of air and space. I can't justify even talking to someone else when I don't feel like I'm worth the air I'm breathing.
I feel trapped in my own thoughts and fantasies (even though they end up hurting me far more often than not). I just don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to feel like someone actually wants to be around me, that someone actually wants to hear what I have to say. That I matter at all.
Sorry this was more of a rant, I know it probably doesn't really make any sense but it helps to put it out there. If you've made it this far, thanks for listening, even though I don't know who you are, it matters to me that you took the time. | self.depression |
When people laugh...and I assume they’re laughing at me Such a terrible feeling. That my existence is comical to others | self.depression |
Trying to get diagnosed... Also looking for health insurance Hi,
I recently have started on the journey to get some help. And new to this sub. I've been reading but to scared to put myself out there.
I don't know if I'm bipolar. I've done a bunch of research and I believe I can trace manic highs and depressed lows as far back as very in early in life... I'm 28 now. The last 4 full "swings" as I call them took about 4 and a half to 5 years to run their course. They gotten more pronounced as I started adulthood. This last one landed me a 3 month mania build up with full blown mania for about a month (I wish I could explain this part better... All I can say is that I was not myself and I was pretty delusional about what I could and couldn't accomplish... Sleeping three or four hours every day or two and trying to do everything) and then one of the hardest depressions I've ever experienced for roughly four or five months (suicidal thoughts, complete isolation from everyone and everything including work, weight gain of about 70 pounds, increased self loathing).
I'm also a complete fuck up in life. So maybe that's a consideration. This last time, the catalyst for my swing was believing I could do a new job, and then eventually hiding from it because I couldn't carry some of the tasks out due to anxiety.
I guess I wanted to give out some info since I see a lot of you guys share yourselves openly... And maybe vent, too.
So two days ago was tough. And I've been thinking and thinking about trying to get help, but the farthest I've gotten is two therapy sessions with someone I really didn't hit it off with.
So after having a shitty wave of self hatred that day, I decided to call around again. I found a practice with a therapist and psychiatrist. I went through the process of setting up an appointment to first see the therapist and then the psychiatrist.
I don't have health insurance.
It's a steep bill, but I can pay it.
As a side note, before I tried the new job, I landed myself a decent paying job that is also self employed so I can take days or even weeks off without too many reprocussions. I've done that going on 6 years. It's very difficult to explain but I developed a skill at this job and I could do it the rest of my life if I wanted. But because it is set up the way it is, it doesn't give me health insurance, retirement, or any benefits you might find at other jobs.
I figured if I was going to shell out a wad of cash to self pay for trying to get help (and ongoing therapy if it's recommended), I should look at just self paying for insurance.
I just don't know where to start so I don't get health insurance sales calls. I didn't even know those existed. I was called almost 20 times in 6-8 hours. Fuck maybe more. And I was trying to work.
I don't want to risk ANOTHER set of health insurance salespeople having my information. I just found my state's marketplace? Seems more legit than the 2nd AD on Google.
Does anyone have experience or a better starting place? I asked a family member but no one is in this particular situation. And I don't even understand how health insurance works really.
I'm in my kinda of even place in the episodes. Truth be told, if I hadn't had an exceptionally hard day two days ago and talk to someone about it briefly I probably wouldn't be asking for help. I never really ask for help. But I feel the shit building up against my demons again and I'm so afraid of another swing.
I just want of this train. I need a change. | self.bipolar |
Still anxious about a misdiagnosis Ok this all started back in July were I was misdiagnosed with scoliosis and I went to the rountey checkups but than I went to a back expert and they said I never had it in the first place so I'm scoliosis free but I still think I have it and it is preventing me from doing stuff (anxiety cause) self doubt :( | self.Anxiety |
People have been urging me to take therapy before I kill myself but I won't because I'm pretty sure it's b******* [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Today, my ex's brother contacted me When I was 13, nearly 7 years ago, I had my first really big crush. Being so young, I ended up coming off creepy to this guy. So the next year, he went on to high school and his brother came into middle school. I started dating his brother. All the while, I had a strange relationship with the first guy. We would text about our sexual fantasies and I would seek constant validation, which he often was able to give me. This did not make my boyfriend happy. We had a bad relationship. Since then, I have gotten into a secure and healthy relationship and the feelings for the first guy faded. Tonight he messaged me and apologized about the way he treated me. Then he called me and we talked for an hour about our feelings. I found out that he had had a crush on me but thought I was slightly creepy. He would have considered dating me in the future had I not dated his brother. It was something I needed to hear. I was able to tell him everything that I was feeling and why I acted the way I did. It was insanely cathartic. It got rid of the elephant in the room that was present whenever we ran into each other. If you made it all the way through this, thank you for reading. I just needed to tell someone. | self.offmychest |
Do you find being alone makes your Anxiety worse? If so, what do you do to distract yourself? | self.Anxiety |
Tired of everything So, I never thought I'd make a post on here but I'm desperate. Let me start this by talking about myself and the shit that been going on. I've always suffered with depression ever since grade school even telling my mom one time back in grade school how I didn't think life was worth living. Anyways, currently I'm 21, high school dropout, have never worked a day in my life, stay inside for months at a time. I'm afraid to even interact with people or to get a job, cause I don't wanna fail, I know it's normal to fail but I hate failing, and I just get so nervous being around people now. I freak out a little inside if there's a bunch of people around. And no one in my life truly gets my pain, not even those closest to me. Being 21 and never having worked or just accomplished anything I just feel like a failure and that I got no purpose in life and always wonder why I'm picking to stay here when I could easily just pick the option of leaving. I have a gf who I'm in a long distance relationship with and she used to be a big help with my depression, but now all we ever do lately is fight and things just never seem to improve between us, and not even she can see how bad my depression is. I thought I conveyed it to her, but no, she can't see it. She doesn't even make any attempts to help with it anymore, she's just given up on me. I don't blame her tho, everyone I've ever had in my life eventually gives up on me. I just feel I'm hopeless to save. Idk if I even want to be saved anymore, like I feel the best option is just leaving so no one has to deal with me and my problems anymore. And so my parents don't have to keep spending money on me, my family isn't super well off, and yeah, just every penny towards me is a waste of their money. It can go to such more important things. If I could I would trade places with a homeless person, or just anyone less fortunate, they deserve it more than me. I don't deserve the things I have or things I get. I don't deserve any of it. I'm just a burden to everyone who comes across me. And I feel no one will miss me if I'm gone. Sorry for ranting I just had to get this out there. I just hate feeling so helpless, I'm surrounded by people who love me yet I feel so alone. I just have this empty feeling that never goes away. I've been given every tool I need to succeed in life and I manged to still fuck up my life, and I had the chance to live a happy life together with a gf whom I love so much, and now the relationship is just broken and beyond repair and I don't see any reason to keep going anymore. Everything around me just goes to shit. Anyway I'm done ranting. | self.SuicideWatch |
Bipolar + Periods I can't tell whether my past two bad days were due to PMS or just poorly timed Bipolar symptoms. Has anybody noticed any changes/anything noteworthy with the way Bipolar Disorder interacts with that time of the month? | self.bipolar |
Friend took their own life. I always thought I would be the first to go, but I never expected him to just do it.
I struggled with depression and suicide ever since I was 9 but all I had to go off of what he was going through was his lifestyle. He never spoke about it. He played games with us and made jokes. We had no idea. 5 years ago and the day before he did it there was nothing that changed. Cops flooded the house and my other friends told me what happened.
im going insane. | self.SuicideWatch |
Any advice on getting through a long distance driving weekend trip? I’m going away on business for the weekend and I am taking a friend with me that wants to see the place I’m going to. My friend and I have a positive, low maintenance relationship and I believe there are safety in numbers in a new place anyway.
However, I am massively shitty at doing long distance drives, even by myself. I’ve had a few close calls in dangerous situations far away from home and I have a lot of residual stomach turning anxiety about the whole trip. Too many times in the past for long distance I’ve had to pull over and desperately talk myself out of turning around and driving home. I don’t want to do this with a friend there. I don’t want to be an inconvenience and embarrass myself.
I will be the driver the whole time (I am worse as a passenger) so medication is not on the table in this situation. I was hoping I could hear from you guys anything that might help. Have you ever had to overcome anything similar? Any advice or words that have helped you out before would be very appreciated. Thanks guys! | self.Anxiety |
When will life get better I’ve been in a really bad state lately. It feels like every time I get my hopes up, something else comes along to derail everything. It’s gotten really bad that I’m no longer taking care of the even the little easy things and my mood is affecting all parts of my life and I hate it.
So here’s what has lead me to where I am at. I’ve been fighting a custody battle for the last two years to get joint custody for my 5 year old daughter. Her mom and I were never married so my ex has been in control of everything about my daughter including when and how I saw my daughter. I wasn’t a fan of this among other things thus the legal fight.
Well, we’ve gone through mediations, a custody evaluation and multiple court hearing with me gaining a little control after fighting very hard. I’ve done everything the custody evaluator asked me to do to prove I am a good parent.
Even after everything that I’ve done, my ex still wouldn’t agree to joint custody and instead tried to reduce my parenting time so I was suppose to go to trial Oct 25 and let the judge make the final decision, but before that could happen, I got a call from child protective services the weekend before trial that there’s a pending child abuse investigation and that my time with my daughter was revoked for the weekend.
The following Monday, I met with the investigators and find out that they aren’t investigating me, but instead my family. (I’ve had to move back in with my family because of my debts and paying child support) I can see my kid again but she is not allowed in my house at the time and I can’t have any communication with her if I am home. I also have to make arrangements with my ex when I want to see my kid again even though it’s my parenting time. I also get to say goodbye to the overnights with my kid and to top it all off, trial has been pushed back to next year.
I’m not sure what I’m expecting by posting this. I just want a way to make things better. I’ve been trying so hard to be a good dad but I just can’t get a break and I’m in so much pain right now. I was looking forward to trial because things were going to come to an end finally one way or another. Now I have to wait and am stuck in limbo while the investigation is being carried out. | self.depression |
I Feel trapped I met my wife online, we lived 100 miles away from each other but we made it work. After conversations/fights about who should move I finally decided that I should move. As soon as I moved I felt terrible, my deprogrammed worse, I gained weight and I was just homesick all the time. I thought that it would get better. We got married a year ago, I work at a job that stresses me out so much it gives me chest pains and I started drinking more.
Last week my wife got a job offer in my hometown doing the same thing she’s doing now. I gave her some space to think about it and when I talked to her about it she said she’s thinking of staying at her current job. I don’t want to live out here, only thing I have that’s good out here is my wife. Moving back to my hometown will be good for us. I can get a job super fast and the job offer my wife has is offering housing assistance. My friends and family are ready and willing to show my wife love and support, which I didn’t get when I moved to be closer to her.
I just feel trapped because I’m tired of living out here away from my friends and family, but I can’t just leave my wife to move back to my hometown. We’re going to be talking about it tonight and hopefully I can get her to see all the good reasons for moving. | self.offmychest |
Help, holiday break anxiety Im 24 years old, working for 2 and a half years and during this holiday break I had colds and cough due to several work trips. Then after having colds which is exactly the start of the holiday break my anxiety came back thinking that I might have serious illness, then for a week now I experience various physical sensations with my body. Help me, I’m getting crazy googling every sensation I’m having during the week and associating it with serious illnesses.
I took Rivotril and Exulten for almost a year which started on 2016 but eventually stopped when I felt okay. Then after a while (3-4 months) anxiety kept coming back. Sometimes worse, sometimes manageable but during this holiday break it felt terrible, just can’t handle it. Just staying at home, became socially detached, just laying down googling and googling for assurance.
How can I battle this? | self.Anxiety |
If a flame gets extinguished in the middle of the night And no one sees it. Was anything really lost? Surely everything can continue as just before. Maybe a little less brighter. But continue nonetheless | self.depression |
I don't have the motivation to do anything anymore [deleted] | self.depression |
I may be really damn unlucky with small things. So im kindof a class goof-off. Always have been. It has never really been a problem before until these two teachers. A chinese woman who teaches chinese and a man who has absolutely no sense of humor, who teaches latin american studies. We will start first with chinese. I was taking the class, and this year i was motivated to do well in the class. After all, i was planning on going to china after highschool, over the summer. All of the sudden, she becomes one of the strictest people in he world. We can’t speak english in class, and if you don’t know chinese already (like me), then you are basically screwed. Whenever she taught us a new word we had to guess what it meant because she would never give an english translation. Anyways, i digress. So, im talking to this girl, mainly about politics (mind that we werent loud and done with our work) and i was written up and given a sunday school (a 4 hour bore session on sunday. Yikes.) i attend that, and its good and all. Anyways, months later, i’ve slowly slowed down my goofball attitude in latin american class, and i’ve really been my best for a month. All of the sudden, however, 3 kids pulled up there shirts over their head like a hoodie, as a joke (mind you we werent in the middle of anything). I wasn’t the first one to do it and the kids around me didn’t stop when told to unlike me. I was punished with an inschool suspension and noone else got a thing. Im serving it tomorrow, woohoo.
Alright, that was pretty little, but my parents overreact to these things. I left out some details cuz im lazy, but they would only make my side of the story seem sadder. Whatever.
Recently, around a month ago, my friends told me they wanted to “take a break” for a month or so. A boring month passed, and they said they changed their minds, and kicked me out. This affected me too much because this was the first good friend group i ever had, and the second time i was betrayed by friends. However, a third time was approaching.
My parents dont believe these stories and so does the school administration.
This one kid, we’ll call him isaac, doesn't know of any boundaries. He doesnt care if he hurts anyone aslong as he will look “cool”. Recently, he started stalking my twitter, and making fun of my tweets, spreading false rumors. I had to private my account and block alot of people, until one day, an account called “(insertpoliticalfigurehere)220”. I was intrigued of course, because it was a person i supported. Later, i started tweeting more and more, thinking i was stalking. Turns out, this account was isaac posing as someone else just to make fun of me. Great. I found this out and confronted him, but instantly apologized. Later, i was tipped off that he now stalks my reddit. So hey, “Isaac”, if you’re reading this, you will about to know how this affects me. Luckily i have some people on my side of the issue, but Isaac convinced some people that i was friends with to dislike me. Amazing, now i have like what, only a couple of acquaintances. He killed the only lifeline i had. No action was taken against this. Yet.
On top of this, my grades are spiraling out of control because of my focus on these dumb little things. That is creating the ultimate snowball affect.
I used to be a great student. I honestly was! I still so great on tests. But, i feel exhausted when i come from school. I feel like i went through a snowstorm of awful each time. Especially coming home to exhausted parents, tired of my bullcrap that are working on a huge renovation and trying to keep my grandma alive. That means right now, i cannot kill myself. I’m not gonna do anything either. Im gonna handle things myself until either everything gets resolved or my parents are not stressed and able to focus on me alittle. I may seem like im really overreacting, but i kindof left out some things because this post is getting long.
Anyways, thanks for reading. Now for the question: what the hell should i do? | self.depression |
Failed again, considering suicide I'm 18 studying software engineering. I was doing a course for the second time at university (maths for engineering), and i failed again, i lost my schoolarship and my mom cannot pay university for me anymore (my dad is rehabilitating alcoholism, tomorrow i'll see him after 8 months). We don't have any money because her ex-boyfriend made a move on her, making her loose almost all her life savings, she needs loans to maintain me and my baby brother. I failed my final exam in which i needed 1.3 more points to pass, i failed for minimal mistakes, specifying measurement units, things like that. I burted into tears and desperation asking for my teacher to gift me those points, to which he said he couldn't do anything, but i don't hate him, he's just doing his job. I really dont wish this feeling to anyone, i just feel defeated, when my mom found out she was not even angry, she was just so dissapointed, because i'm a fucking disgrace. I don't know what to do. i'm laying in bed, i'm not even crying anymore, i can't figure out what i'm going to do with my fucking life anymore. I feel dead inside, i feel like i lost the game, i lost my opportunities, and there is not a single thing i can do about it, i just have to accept i'm defeated. I have to be embarassment of all my friends and family, of my grandparents who were helping my mom pay studies because even with loans she couldn't afford it by herself, they haven't found out yet. There is not bright side out of this, i found out life does not always turn good, sometimes you are just screwed. And it hurts more knowing its your fault, but at this point, you can't do anything to fix it. I just thought about suicide, i really just want to dissapear, to vanish. I honestly don't wish this feeling for anyone, out of relationships, family issues, bullying or the worst thing you could imagine, this has truly been the worst in my life. There is nothing left for me, i'm just done for good. I don't know what to expect from this post, i just need to grieve. | self.offmychest |
Lithium Stories (for anyone on lithium) I recently got prescribed to lithium and I am interested in hearing your lithium stories, related to anything. Comment Below!! :) | self.bipolar |
I make the girl that i loved suicidal. I wish i could be manly enough for her. Seeing what she had become made me sad. She has been posting suicidal messages lately,i want to give him words of courage, but im afraid my words would give opposite effect on her. Shes pretty mess up right now. I felt guilty. At the moment it is about who between us commiting suicide 1st. I dont think I can live with guilt if she decides to do so | self.SuicideWatch |
Online counseling rejected me! I'm done! I can't do it anymore! It felt like I had only enough strength to reach out one more time for help, and fucking BetterHelp said I needed face-to-face counseling, which I can't afford enough of! I'm fucking done with mental healthcare in this country! Who the fuck REJECTS someone who is begging for help? I hate my life and job and I just want to feel nothing! | self.SuicideWatch |
Positively Shameless. I see a *lot* of shame, guilt, worry, remorse, regret and fret here about "what will they think when they find out?" It's understandable, of course. Many of us were conditioned, programmed, in*struct*ed, in*doctrine*ated, socialized, habituated, institutionalized and *normal*-ized to believe we must be flawlessly perfect people in a world of critics, judges, assessors and evaluators.
I have the benefit of *time*. I hit the wall in 1994. (And kept hitting it until 2003. 11 hospitalizations, two suicide attempts, three arrests for assault & battery, two unsuccessful anger management deferments, 30 days in the clink.)
We finally found the magic (medicinal) bullet in late '03. But as effective as it was at keeping me glued together after nine years of flying apart, it did not prevent me from acting out now and again. The overfired, inflamed, neural circuitry does not heal overnight. I was as triggerable as any "tortured soul" with complex PTSD along with borderline, paranoid and obsessive traits for several years. (I'm not 100% immune to getting my buttons pressed *now*. But the buttons are getting smaller all the time.)
All the stuff I have run down before at the links that follow have been helpful. But insofar as shame, etc., is concerned, I have John Bradshaw, Merle Fossum, June Tangney, Gershen Kauffan and [Codependents Anonymous](http://coda.org/) right at the top of the credit roll. (Look 'em up?)
>>> [From Bipolar to Borderline to Complex PTSD: The Long Way Around the Recovery Barn](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/71moyr/from_bipolar_to_borderline_to_complex_ptsd_the/)
>>> [What if we just Turn Off The Gas under the Fire?](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivorsofabuse/comments/7cswb2/what_if_we_just_turn_off_the_gas_under_the_fire/)
>>> [Teasing out the BSDs from BPD](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2017/10/teasing-out-bsds-from-bpd.html)
>>> [Thyroxine, Adrenaline & Dopamine: A Potent Bipolar Cocktail?]( https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/7alz0t/thyroxine_adrenaline_dopamine_a_potent_bipolar/)
>>> [Hurt People... Hurt (other) People](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/76a0nq/hurt_people_hurt_other_people/)
>>> [Understand the Drama Triangle. Understand BPD.](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2017/03/understand-drama-triangle-understand-bpd.html)
>>> [Expectation of Abuse in my reply on this earlier thread]( https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/7btkpr/arguments_make_me_wonder_if_i_am_an_abuser_andor/)
>>> [Why we Tolerate Abuse, in my reply on this earlier thread]( https://www.reddit.com/r/survivorsofabuse/comments/7cpgdh/my_story/)
>>> [The Feeling is Always Temporary](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-neurochemistry-of-romantic-love.html)
>>> [Distress Tolerance & Emotion Regulation]( https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/7aevow/for_distress_tolerance_emotion_regulation/)
>>> [What Worked for Me on Bipolar](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/6qs47o/what_finally_worked_for_me/)
Because there's no law in the universe that says we *really* have to be ashamed of what we had little or nothing to say about in the first place. Today, I am *not* responsible for my disease. But I *am* responsible for my recovery. | self.bipolar |
Can someone just tell me they don’t want me to die? [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
please dont worry about me i dont think i will ever actually kill myself, i just think about it all the time, like so much. Thinking about actually dying is kind of scary but thinking about making suicide attempts sometimes gets me through the day. I cut myself all the time just to feel like I'm making some sort of progress or like I'm trying to at least do something to make everything go away at least for a little while. I drink all the time and it just means i cut deeper and deeper, and it is slowly getting worse and interfering with my academics and my personal life. I have a hard time getting close to people and that makes things so much worse, I'm so sad all the time and my mental disorders make things so much worse. i dont know what to do, things just slowly get worse, tbh im drunk right now and i dont expect anything to get better and i fully believe i will kill myself one day because i do not think i will ever be happy and i am so sad and dont know what to do
Im sorry im bothering people with my problems, I'm just running out of things to do and idk i dont know what to do and I'm scared | self.SuicideWatch |
Its poison. (Dont know what to do next) I look at desk that stands in my hall and atop, a knife, a lighter, some rope and the bottle. On my jounrey each day I look at the bridge it's structure and appeal, and to the icy waters below and the still of the bay. Through the yard where the old maple stands tall and stong, dealing with many harsh Winters and intense Autumn's where limb is streched out stable and strong. I walk the chaos of the roads and the rails with out whim or care for self being, the sound of trucks and cars; the screeching of the rails and the grinding of the track. Every day I live, this is whats in my head. Can't sleep, barely eat or drink, my body rots and my mind is poison. To combat this I smoke micro doses of cannabis to get the thoughts out of my head only to come back to a time later. I take medicine, that is literally destorying my kidneys, liver and I suffer tirelessly. I talk with counselors and doctors to receive treatment on treatment and my mind is still there in the back screaming. Free me. Time is spent among books and art to let it feed the madness that envelopes me whole. That drive me further in the the twisted wood, lost with out a trail in sight a marker or tool. Surviving was one thing but ending a journey is another. Time slows to a still and I attempt to breath the air that tastes sour and thin. Will my camera see me as being mad, or does the lens bend around me as gravity bends space. Am I a well? A pit that sucks things in and spews out nothing in return. Am I well? | self.depression |
I feel like even if I woke up tomorrow completely depression-free, I'm so damaged from dealing with it for years that it'd barely be an improvement I have so many bad habits and unhelpful coping mechanisms... not to mention the years of personal development that I've missed out on by being too broken to be a functional human being.
I've become so comfortable with failure that I can't even use the fear of it to motivate myself any more. I'm so accustomed to procrastinating that it feels like success to only miss a deadline once.
Its so hard to stay motivated to work on getting better when all I'd earn by succeeding is the opportunity to be the same failure of a human being, just without depression as a scapegoat. | self.depression |
Today is finally the day. I've finally decided to do it. After my counseling appointment I'm going to shoot myself. I'll drive off to a secluded place, call my mom for the last time and end my life. She'll get over it eventually; I can hear the disappointment in her voice when we talk about certain things, so this is for the best.
Edit for those who care: I was detained and taken to a hospital shortly after my counseling appointment. I'm scheduled to get some serious therapy to help me in the coming week. | self.SuicideWatch |
obsession about my teeth So on friday I got told that i had some gingivitis on my bottom teeth and my gums receded a bit. It really isn't a big deal because they are still fine, visually they look fine. All the doctor told was I need to make sure I brush my teeth better and to floss. However since my appointment I have become paranoid that all my teeth are going to fall out. I can't stop visualizing it and faking the feeling of it happening. I have been feeling weird popping sensations in between my teeth and one tooth feels weird. The thing is I am pretty sure my brain is just making it all up because of these sensations only started when my panic about my teeth falling out appeared. And it comes and goes. Like the sensations are not constant and seem to appear more when I am not focused on something else. Also if my teeth were going to fall out the dentist would have noticed this at the appointment. But know I have all these weird feelings and areas of my teeth and gums that there were no issues and I can't stop thinking about it. I am going to see the dentist again just so he can reassure that my teeth aren't falling out.
Pretty much that is my rant. I feel like I am going crazy. | self.Anxiety |
I am a non-contributing worthless member of society and I do not deserve disability or unemployment checks I cannot survive in the adult world. I cannot succeed in a job. I cannot drive. I cannot take care of myself the way that everyone else can. I am a burden to society.
You know how everyone talks about people on welfare or unemployment? Like they’re worthless. Like the whole of society would improve if those people died and stopped sucking up the benefits from people who REALLY need them. That’s how I feel about myself. I’m unable to work because I’m garbage. I’m not worth the support of tax payers or of charity. Why do I even try anymore | self.depression |
... How the actual hell do people not notice that I'm hurting so much? No one asks how I feel. I just act happy, but I'm in my very own personal hell right now. Even my therapist can't tell that I'm in pain. It's honestly amazing what you can hide with a smile.
I fight the urge to scream in every period. I had to take a standardized test today and I started crying. Everyone stared at me, but they didn't do anything. The teacher didn't do shit either. When I left the room to go use the restroom, I heard laughter erupt from that class. It's pretty fucking obvious that no one cares about me. No matter what you say I know it's a lie. One of my "friends" literally said that they don't like me. I overheard them say that.
Thanks Dan. Love you too.
I just want to die. But if I tell my therapist I'll be put in the psych ward. That would make my parents hate me even more.
Whatever. No matter what you say, it won't help. You don't mean it in the first place.
Quit lying. | self.SuicideWatch |
[rant] i am a textbook mistake and i do it to myself. i am ruining my relationship ...because i can’t go one night without freaking out and i’m terrified, i don’t want to ruin something real but i can’t fucking leave him alone i don’t know what to do! | self.bipolar |
Hello darkness my old friend Today hasn't been good. Every once in a while I get what I can only describe as a wave that pushes me to the brink of tears. I've spent most days either manic or hypomanic, so I've forgotten what this feels like (and the accompanying thoughts).
I've pushed him away.
I've made him afraid of me, afraid of how I will react.
We have a marriage of convienence now, and neither of us seem to give a shit.
We barely speak to each other.
Two kisses a day, leaving and returning.
Sex, maybe once a week.
I'm on autopilot, dealing with my own head, but I've left you in the dark.
I'm sorry.
This sucks. It's fleeting, like any other day, but the damage is palpable. 😭 | self.bipolar |
Is anyone interested in a podcast specifically about bipolar disorder? Some friends and I all deal with bipolar disorder and decided we should make a podcast dedicated to it. We're still ironing out the kinks but I was wondering if anyone here would be interested in such a thing.
Here's our third and in my opinion, best episode so far:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB_5pI8rUCo&feature=youtu.be | self.bipolar |
A lot of days i don't care if i die. I got a medical issue I can't figure out the cause of and it makes me smell. It makes my life a living hell especially at work people sniffing all day and rude comments. A lot of times I just say please kill me to myself. | self.SuicideWatch |
Wouldnt mind having someone to talk to If someone has some free time I could really do with talking to someone, just pm me | self.SuicideWatch |
Everyone says I have to do this on my own. [deleted] | self.depression |
There is no hope left Hello, reddit, I've been lurking in this sub for a while, I've been thinking of suicide for a while, too. I just want to share and get it off my chest before I do it tomorrow.
There was a time when I had dreams and loved to solve puzzles and programming. I was participating in national contests and have many prizes.
Then, my mother died, when I was 6th grade and after that my father started to insult me and tell me that I'll amount to nothing, that I am nothing and I have no future, that I'm very stupid, an idiot, he's not stopped for 8 years now, even though, at the beginning I was still winning some prizes in programming contests.
And I've tried to tell him, to ask him why does he do that and does he really think what he's saying and he keeps telling me that I'm just imagining things and he hadn't said that.
I was so fed up, got very depressed, wasn't interested in anything anymore, stopped dreaming. I started smoking weed regularly for 1.5 years, then I stopped and got clean, got some hopes again, and he started again with his insults.
For 2 years, I've been going to doctors for some illnesses and every one has told me and has asked me "Are you chronically stressed?". Yes, I am.
Last night, I told him everything I was holding up for those years and asked him why did he do that. He started crying and banging his head against a wall, saying that he doesn't know and he doesn't mean it, it's just what goes out of his mouth without him meaning it.
But I don't believe him. I got everything off my chest and told him everything.
Now is the time to die because I don't have any dreams and honestly, I don't see how can my situation and brain improve after that many years of constant insults. I'm not interested in anything, neither programming anymore.
I just want to die and I will kill myself tomorrow. It's funny how you stop caring about anything when you're going to die in less than 12 hours. Just nothing. Calmness.
Thanks for reading and sorry for this rant, I needed to get this off my chest. | self.SuicideWatch |
Every day I am getting closer Every day I am getting closer to ending it all. My life has been shit for a while now and everything has gone to shit. I have been fired the first time the second and the third all within the same number of months. I lost my aunt that i loved very much. Now my girlfriend has left me. If it werent for my dogs and youtube videos talking me down I would have. My family doesnt understand and they are trying to get me into a hospital. I told my ex I missed her and she said she "I love you but fuck you." When I told her I needed someone she said she didnt want me to contact her anymore. I havent been able to eat or get off my couch in the last four days since the break up. I dont see a point in this pain anymore. I have no one. No friends, my family doesnt understand and my responsibilities are choking the life out of me. How do I get past this? Oh and I have to wait if I were to do this, I dont want my ex to be the one to find me and blame herself. | self.SuicideWatch |
I catfished someone over ten years ago, and the guilt has eaten at me ever since. Some details fudged since it's the internet and who knows if this could make its way back to me. I'd deserve it, but even so.
In the mid-2000s, the internet was still kind of a wild west. Social networks and the like were becoming more and more mainstream; there were forums for anything and everything, and to a lonely 13-year-old, it was a playground.
I'd just started high school and was absolutely miserable. My friendships were falling apart as we moved schools and matured, mentally and otherwise, at different rates. My home life was, from an outsider's perspective, picture perfect, but was hell for me. I had experienced suicidal thoughts for the first time at age 11, though it would be nearly a decade before I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In lieu of outside activity and socialization, my computer became my escape from the world and the only place I felt like myself.
Discovering that I could find the friends I craved online, I joined a number of forums and social networks. My parents were strict about my internet usage, wanting to know about all of the sites I joined and what I was up to online, but I was more computer-savvy than they'd anticipated and learned how to be discreet. I essentially did as I pleased, talking to whoever I could.
It was on one of these sites that I met Katie.
Katie was my age, and I knew it to be true; my God-fearing grandmother had made me watch enough episodes of To Catch a Predator with her to know that the internet wasn't safe and that I had to be very careful. Katie and I met on a public area of a teen-centric site, when I mentioned appreciating her username (a reference to a relatively obscure TV show I'd loved for many years). We bonded over it and became fast friends, working on our art and writing together while building up a mythos of inside jokes and ridiculous humor. I "met" her friends, both ones she'd met online and knew in real life, and we all would meet up on the site to hang out and joke around with each other.
We talked like this for months: every day, we would race home from school, take care of our responsibilities at home, and then get online as quickly as possible to talk to each other into the late hours of the night. We talked about the media we loved, and as time went on, delved into deeper talks about our emotions and how we were both struggling. We supported each other in our depression, though we were too young to understand that our sadness had a name.
One day, Katie said she had something serious to tell me, and then said she'd had a crush on me for some time and was wondering if I felt the same way about her. This took me completely by surprise. I'd never had feelings for anyone before, but could tell I felt very strongly about Katie, and in a way that was different from how I'd ever felt about a friend before. I realized that I did, in fact, have feelings for her, at which point I felt more guilty than I had ever felt in my life. I'd been keeping a secret from her, and I had no idea how to tell her.
Since I was young, I have struggled with my gender identity. My upbringing forced me to align myself with my gender designated at birth-- my siblings were all boys, and as "the girl," I felt (and was) pressured into filling all feminine roles. Every time I put on a dress or skirt, I felt ill and ashamed. Female pronouns seemed odd to me. I hated the way boys treated me just because I was a girl. I didn't outright hate being a girl, but did hate how I felt and was treated. So, when I was online, I was what I wanted so badly to be: a boy.
Katie only knew me as a boy. I played the part very carefully, never divulging too much about my identity even as I divulged my experiences. Knowing that she'd come to have feelings for me when I'd been effectively lying to her for so long made me hate myself, especially considering I felt the same way.
Being young and foolish, I made a stupid decision. I figured it would hurt her more if I told her the truth or rejected her outright for no good reason than it would to just keep up my act, and so I did. Katie was my first girlfriend, and I her first "boyfriend."
I felt terrible about my lie, but the odd thing was that I felt so free. I loved it when she called me her boyfriend and used male pronouns for me. We never exchanged pictures-- we were young and knew that was a no-no-- but as time went on, she began to ask if I might be able to get a webcam or at least a microphone to talk to her. I told her truthfully that I had no money, which she accepted, but it became clear that I would not be able to keep this up forever, as much as I wanted to.
It didn't matter, however, because my parents eventually caught on. Between school, my family life, and my own guilt, I was horribly depressed, and spent all my free time on my computer. I'd stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning, wake up at 6 for school, and then be a walking zombie all through my classes. My grades suffered, and my parents took action, pulling my computer out of my room and putting it in the family room where they could supervise my time on the internet.
This would have been inconvenient but fine if I hadn't gotten lazy: as per my parents, I was not allowed to use instant messaging programs, but had secretly installed a chat client to talk to Katie and her friends. I'd installed it in a hidden folder and originally made it so that I would have to manually start it when my computer rebooted, but eventually grew tired of this since my computer was garbage and crashed all the time and changed it so it would start automatically. My father "helpfully" started my computer for me after moving it downstairs, and on startup, the chat program came up with all my logs, blinking with new messages from Katie and my friends.
My parents read through all of them, shouting at me the entire time for revealing things such as my birthday and what part of my country I lived in (exclusively to Katie and her best friend, who told me the same about themselves). At first, they were convinced that all of my friends were pedophiles trying to groom me and kidnap me, but as they read through the messages, they realized that they were in fact kids my age. My mother wept as she read, demanding to know if I was gay or trans, and why I would be lying otherwise. I honestly didn't know why I did it. I told her it was to protect my identity, but she didn't buy it, and she and my father took turns yelling at me about what I had done before demanding passwords to all of my accounts and email addresses, changing the password on my computer, and barring me from using the internet at all.
I had never felt so alone in my life. I wept for days, mourning the loss of my friends and feeling hideously guilty for what I had done. I managed to get into one of my accounts on my brother's computer while everyone was at school one day, immediately writing to Katie to tell her the gist of what had happened and that I still cared about her, but probably wouldn't be around for a while. However, my mother received a notification that I'd gone online and punished me further for breaking her rules.
For the next year and a half, my computer access was at first limited to only Word documents and occasional access to the internet for school projects, though my searches were tracked and checked by my parents. All of my accounts were deleted by my parents or the passwords were changed so I could not access them. I never forgot my friends and thought about them almost every day-- especially Katie.
When I was 16, I was given a new computer, though my internet access was restricted to specific hours only and occasionally still tracked. I gave up on being a boy, signing up as a girl on every subsequent site I joined. It was on an art forum when I was 17 that I found Katie again, completely by chance.
I couldn't believe that it was really her. Same themes in her art, same fun personality, even some of the same friends. I poured through her post history and found she'd even talked about me, or at least the version of me she'd known. We still had a lot of the same interests, even though it had by now been more than three years since we'd last talked. Having her feel so close and yet knowing everything was so different now was crushing, but I still felt a lot of affection for her. Though I tried to stay away from her profile, I found myself checking on her frequently, and eventually I would comment anonymously on her posts.
One time I slipped up, though, and posted with my own account. She figured out that I was her anonymous fan and struck up conversations with me. As uncomfortable and awful as I felt, it was amazing to be really, truly, talking to her again.
This is where I feel my actions became truly heinous and unforgivable. Rather than reveal myself and admit to my lies when we were younger, I kept quiet and built a friendship anew, as myself this time. I was much more reserved than before; my personality had changed a lot in the years since she'd known the boy version of me, and even as a young teen I'd been coy about my identity and personal details. I was able to be myself with her, or at least enough of myself.
Though it was amazing to be talking to her again, I knew that it was wrong. I felt guilty all the time for my constant lies by omission, and felt dirty about the situation. I knew so much about her and she had no idea who I was. Though I had only good intentions and just wanted to be friends again, my guilt grew too great and we drifted apart ever so slowly, as internet friends tend to do.
It's been years since I last spoke to her and I still think of her from time to time. I was young and stupid, but it's no excuse for lying to someone who cared about me. To this day, I am deeply ashamed and feel horribly guilty for trying to re-enter her life via another trove of lies when I had already caused her so much pain.
I never did figure out what's up with my gender. I still go by female pronouns, even if it still doesn't feel right. I did figure out I'm attracted to girls, so at least that much makes sense. I've avoided social networks like the plague since then, preferring to lurk and hide away as much as possible.
I don't know what to do about this. I've sat on it for years and can't figure it out. I've thought about telling her a bunch of times-- about dropping her an email, shooting her a message on a chat program, hitting her up through the more recent account-- but I can't think of any way to suitably apologize for what I've done. Most of all, I don't know how I could ever apologize for coming back and lying to her again. I know she still wants answers; one of the last times I checked her post history, she'd mentioned having an online boyfriend who disappeared when she was a young teen and how she still wonders what happened to him. I'd already stopped contacting her by then, but reading what she'd written and realizing how much damage I'd done made me so ill I had a panic attack and threw up from the guilt.
All I can think to say is that I'm sorry. Katie, I'm so, so sorry. | self.offmychest |
Aging and the growing intensity of bipolar symptoms. Is this really the hard truth we have to face? Or is this just mental like we all are :-) I’ve been diagnosed bipolar since my early 20’s, chronic depression since my teens. I’ve dealt with it and have only been hospitalized once. It runs in the family quite deep, killed a couple from suicide. Now what I’ve noticed in family history is that it seems the most problems have really appeared or intensified in the early 30’s and at least one suicide happened then. Now I’ve led a great successful life and I’ve dealt with my illness and have been on meds but I find lately, now that I’m in my 30’s, for some reason it’s really different. Changing my perception is much more difficult if not impossible. I’m beginning to really worry that this might be more life debilitating than I initially thought and I truly thought it was terrible. I mean I’ve already sworn never to have biological kids cause I just don’t want to pass these genes on. I wouldn’t wish this illness on my worst enemy. I’ve really fucked up in the last few months and have totally cut myself off from the world, maybe if not the worst time yet. My career is suffering and I’m losing friends. I’m still maintaining a sense of somewhat stability to family and my psychiatrist. But I’m on truly an edge here and this is my first time realizing I should look at this subreddit so obviously I’m trying to be rational and put this in context however it also shows I’m losing hope. I read stories that bipolar symptoms can intensify with age but maybe I’m just going through a stage, it might be life affected or maybe it’s time for new meds. I’ve been reworking my meds for awhile now and I thought they were working but maybe they aren’t. I’m scared to mess anymore with them. I take 450mg bupropion, 100mg lamictal and 150 topamax. Anyway was wondering if anyone else had similar problems in their 30’s or have heard of such issues? All opinions welcomed. | self.bipolar |
I'm only alive because of the ones that love me. This is my first ever post here and I'm not even sure if anyone will read this or even be able to relate .
I feel like I care too much for my own well being. I have a big passion for saving the environment, and treating others with as much kindness as possible. There's been so many times I've cried because of the way the general population treats our planet like we've got another one to go to. I feel like I'm never doing enough in helping making it a better place for my future kids, grandkids and later generations. This is just a small factor into my depression.
Also, I have this constant feeling of never being good enough for anyone or anything. I just feel like shit about everything I do. It holds me back from working, hanging out with friends, and even letting people fully lovely. I loath myself soooo much that I even cry looking at myself naked in the mirror. And I know if I did certain things maybe I wouldn't feel so freaking bad about everything I do in my life. But I don't do ANYTHING to make it any better and I can't figure out why. Even though I think about these things everyday I just don't. It just drives me crazy.
I care so much about everyone in my life I have a huge fear of the pain I'll put them through if and when I ever end my life. I just don't want to hurt anyone but I know its inevitable. I've tried to end my life twice. The first time was when I was about 16, I had cut my wrist and ended up bleeding out in my bathroom. My mom walked in and ended up taking me to the ER where I was stitched up and sent to a mental health hospital for awhile. The second time was when I was 20, I held a gun up to my head and right as I was about to pull the trigger my dad had came into the room tackled me and took me to the hospital, where I again was emitted to a mental health institute. Here I am 22, and have stood on a bridge deciding whether or not jump. I have constant thoughts about ways I can die almost everyday, its a constant fight on if I want to live or not. The only thing that stops me is the ones who loves me, I know they'll miss me. But I know with time I'll be just a memory. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live but I don't want to hurt anyone. Someone please help me | self.SuicideWatch |
the ridiculousness of elder care in retirement homes my 89 year old mom is a resident in a local assisted living/retirement home. A couple of years ago, prior to moving there, she had to have her right leg amputated below the knee. Before that she had started slowing down somewhat but she would at least attempt to dance the nights away, swim when she had the chance, or go to Curves, her gym. So, pretty active, a little slowing of brain function but for the most part doing well. With the loss of her leg, she has difficulty getting in and out of bed. Often she will sit on the side of the bed to try to transfer her weight and she'll slide down and end up sitting on her butt on the floor (probably laughing the whole time). This has happened ever since she moved to the assisted living/retirement home. Of late, they, the nurses, have decided to enforce their no-lift policy with my mother. So, instead of offering this 100 pound old lady a hand up off the floor, they force her to sit there, all the while acknowledging that she is perfectly fine and uninjured, until they call an ambulance so the paramedics can pick her up and then take her to the hospital. This morning she sat there on the floor for an hour waiting. they admit to me that they do this because it is policy, it has nothing to do with her health. It's all about the health of their staff, who might injure themselves helping this 100 pound old woman up. So she goes to the hospital via ambulance, they check her out and of course, there is nothing wrong with her, so the hospital now has to have her transferred back to the home. this very scenario as happened each night this week since Wednesday. In the meantime, we hear on the local news constantly how the city paramedics are at level zero, meaning there are literally no ambulances or paramedics to attend to accidents or heart attacks, a situation which can go on for hours. Makes me wonder how many people like my mom are unnecessarily using these resources because of this ridiculous policy. I am incensed by this and I don't know what to do. I'm certainly addressing the policy with the home director on Monday. My brother has approached his local city councillor. If necessary we will take it to the media. Any advice would be welcome! | self.offmychest |
I'm only living for my parents and the rest of my family that I barely see... [deleted] | self.depression |
Scary random images when I close my eyes Hey guys , this is my first post. I’ll try and be as descriptive as possible. Im pretty manic right now but even when I’m depressed , when I try to sleep and as soon as I close my eyes I get these really weird demonic images . It scares the hell out of me . They look like monster masks with bright colors. It’s extremely vivid. Im not on any drugs . I’ve been sober for two years now . Has anyone else experienced this or something similar?? | self.bipolar |
I've got so many skeletons in my closet I don't know what to do with myself. This will be fairly long, and I haven't told anyone about this so bear with me.
There have been things I've done in the past which I've regretted, and I feel like this will overshadow my entire life.
I'm studying engineering at a good university, but I've taken nearly 8 years to finish a course which should have only taken 5.
The reasons are as follows:
I had a psychotic episode when I was 20 years old. This was brought about by mostly smoking pot, which I started when I was 17. There were a bunch of other reasons which were just bubbling along which I will go into now:
When I was 18 I went to a friend's 21st and then when the night ended, for no real reason behind it, I went to a see prostitute. We didn't have intercourse.
When I was 19 I started seeing a woman that was more than twice as old as me, as kind of a friends with benefits thing. It just kind of fizzled out.
At the beginning of last year, I came home after a bit of a night out and my parents were angry at me for staying out longer than usual. For some dumb reason, I cut my arms up pretty bad. I have scars all up and down my arms which I feel self conscious about.
-When I was 22, I had a manic episode - which I feel was brought about by me getting into spirituality. This was followed by a brief depressive period, but I'm feeling better now.
-I don't have a job (like a proper job). I've had several part-time jobs but I haven't gotten an internship at an engineering firm like I'm supposed to have gotten as a part of the requirement for my degree. This may be because of my below average marks, and the marks are low because I don't really apply myself. It has improved somewhat however, I'm doing honors next year, and this year I got pretty good grades.
The relationship with my parents and family has completely changed as a result of my fuck-ups. When I got unwell (psychosis) I told my parents everything. They don't really trust me and are much more controlling. They always tell me to pray and to believe in God, but I just don't and I can't see myself ever being a believer.
I don't have many good friends. It feels like I'm just going through the motions right now.
I've never had a girlfriend. My parents after my psychosis completely cut all my friends out of my life and then a year after my episode sent me overseas for a year to work.
I see a clinical psychologist weekly to help me. She is the only other person aside from my parents and grandparents that knows.
What I'm trying to get at is that ... I've done all these things. It's constantly in the back of my mind. And my parents (they're good people...) keep bringing this up.
My parents say that when I get married or begin a relationship that I will have to tell the person all these things I've done.
Despite all this I continue to get up in the morning and feel thankful for all I have in my life and the people I have that support me and love me.
I've had discussions with my parents where they've said they've forgiven me for my transgressions but they do say what I've done is sinful and an affront to God. I think this is also because at one point in time I was a bit 'experimental' with my sexuality and did things with guys. My parents know about this too.
I still feel positive about the future. I'm somewhat happy. But my parents are still kind of 'living in the past'. My dad thinks I have a bad character. My mother tells me he sometimes cries over the fact that he used to beat me as a kid (sometimes) and feels partly responsible for the state I'm in. I don't blame him at all.
I guess I'm bringing all this up now because I was having a chat with my mother and she said ... 'you'll have to tell (the girl I'm seeing) eventually'.
To add to this my dad hasn't had the easiest time either. He has been on/off employed for the past 5 years. He lost his job recently due to redundancy and my mum especially has the view that 'children should be support for their parents'. As in once a child has grown up he/she should be a 'good' member of society and should be earning and capable of supporting a family and helping others in need.
My mother keeps saying I can't tell 'right from wrong'. I always compare myself to the people around me, and realize I've gone off the 'right track'. I keep thinking, 'when will things get better?'. No one calls me, no one texts me, no one asks me how I'm doing or how my day has been (aside from this girl I've gotten to know over the past year, and my psychologist).
Again to reiterate, I'm not looking for sympathy because this is all my doing. I'm not 'unhappy' but I'm not 'happy' either. I realize that life is what you make it but the date with this girl has me anxious and scared.
What will people think if they know the truth about me? I feel like I'm a liar and a thief, and to a degree I am. I feel like I can never get close to anyone because they will judge me.
TL;DR - I've done things in my past that have taken a toll on me. How do I move forward and stay positive. How do I make life better? How/when do I tell people about my fuckups. Do I need to tell them at all?
Thanks for reading. | self.offmychest |
I truly feel I don't deserve to be happy. 2017 has been a very up and down year for me. The events that have happened throughout the year have put me in a state of depression of which I've never experienced before and has resulted in me reflecting upon myself based on recent events and events throughout my life leading to me, now.
Earlier this year I got into a relationship with someone who I thought wanted the same as me. We knew eachother for about 3 months before we started dating. I thought we both wanted the same thing but due to her anxiety she changed her mind fairly quickly. I'm not someone who 'tries' to get into relationships with people. I don't use Tinder, I don't use dating sites, I don't actively pursue relationships and I generally keep to myself.
Feeling heartbroken, I went into what I'd describe as my first real depressive episode which lasted a few weeks. That however all went away months later when I met an amazing person at MCM Comicon. We chatted on a daily basis after I learned that she not only had a crush on me but also planned on killing herself once con had finished. She said that me and my friends were the reason she changed her mind as she felt she had a reason to live again.
We grew incredibly close and although only having met once (which was at comicon), I found myself quickly falling in love with someone who I felt truly loved me for the person who I was, not because of what I looked like, or anything like that, but because who I was, as a human being. It's a feeling I've never truly felt before. After my previous relationship I kept thinking to myself "I don't think I'm ready to love again" in case of being heartbroken again.
Over a period of a month, constant chatting, never getting tired of talking with eachother, there was a night where she broke down and I found out for real just how serious her depression and anxiety was. After plans of dating and endless conversations of how much we cared about eachother, also on a romantic level, I'd never been more sure in my life that I found someone who I felt truly loved me, until she expressed that due to her depression that she's not sure about anything and can't feel anything, including for me. When she called me, telling me this and hearing her cry and break down, I don't know if I could describe feeling sad, I just felt an emptiness which I hadn't felt before. I'd like to stress that this was a very sudden episode and there wasn't anything which could have hinted that anything like this would happen.
We agreed to continue being friends and see how things go when she came down to visit me and the rest of my friends (who also met her at the same time as me at comicon). Things went pretty well and we had a special moment as well as moments where we had very deep conversations as to why she wasn't ready for a serious relationship. It wasn't a case of she didn't want one, It was a case of due to how her previous relationship went (which was truly hell for her), she wasn't ready for another relationship as she had bad trust issues. I'm an understanding person and I understand someone who's gone through abusive relationships take time to recover and in some ways, never truly get over it, but can get to a better state. All this took place earlier this December, but two days ago she attempted suicide, and not for the first time.
There are some details I've left out but overall, there's nothing more I'd want than for this girl who I love, and care for so much than for her to be the happy girl she once was, many years ago. She also warned me on her initial break down that she didn't want to drag me into a state of depression with her, and in my mind I thought "I'd go through hell and back for you". That includes getting depression. And that's exactly what happened. And I think I was naive at the time. I expressed how much I love her the day after her suicide attempt as I thought I might never get the chance to tell her again, also due to how numb she feels, I felt it wouldn't matter to her anyway.
I'm not a person who's cruel, I like to think I'm kind hearted, selfless and kind. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything like that. But I've tried so hard over the years to try and make both myself but more importantly, the people around me happy.
I'm now in a state of depression which I've never experienced before. I feel like no matter how hard I try, and no matter how good something seems to go, something is prepared to crush everything I have to be happy about. And as a result, I feel truly that I don't deserve to be happy. No matter how hard I try, something will always stop me from being happy.
I've spent most of the past 24 hours in a dark room, in my bed, thinking about why I'm in the position I am. I don't know if I believe in karma, but if it exists, then I must be a terrible person. But I've lived my life, and been brought up to care for others, to be polite and kind. But right now my existence feels completely pointless and I now know I can't make others happy, and I can't make myself happy. I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of any effort I make to try and improve my own happiness being crushed like an ant under a boot.
For the first time ever, I feel, and know I'm capable of taking my own life. I have the power to do so, but, I don't want to. I just want to be happy. But I don't see any point any more. I'm tired of trying to be happy. I've never felt more alone and pointless in my life.
I don't know what I expect to get from posting here. I don't even use Reddit much, but I don't know what to do. I just feel like for the first time I just want to be alone and fade away.
Even writing this now, all I feel is loneliness. No happy, no sadness.
I don't know why I'm here anymore. | self.depression |
This is a sos message. Please save me from myself. I am pretty much depressed for past one year. These health issues. I am tired of them. Tired of taking pills and not recovering and not able to live a normal life. This tinnitus from last one week is making it worse. I dont want to live anymore. | self.SuicideWatch |
I guess I'll never be happy I've been having an awful month. I just want to be alone at all times. I hate having dinners with my boyfriend after class. I hate depending on people. I hate people depending on me.
Yesterday, in the midst of a panic attack, I drive to my boyfriend's house to tell him that I wanted to be alone. He didn't say much. I guess he was just tired of me, and all my crap. And who could blame him.
Today, I went to my boyfriend's friend's party at the request of my mother in law. I thought BF was somehow missing me or something. But no, I arrived and he was normal, and greeted me normal.
I was feeling really out of place. I kept the conversation going about everyone else BUT me. I think I may have overplayed the "everything is fine" card.
I felt awful. Then I did something I was told not to do. It was minuscule and irrelevant, but when someone pointed it out I felt horrible. I asked for forgiveness, and noone really cared about it happening. But I still didn't want to remain there.
To be clear, I absolutely don't blame the guy that called on me. I already knew that it was not allowed to do that. He had every right to be mad.
I waited a little while, so the conversation had already changed. And left. As soon as I reached the corner of the street, I started crying.
On my way back to my house, I realized that I should break up with my boyfriend. He is putting up with my shit and it's not fair. I feel pressured to be OK, even if I'm not, so he doesn't worry. He keeps on saying that he won't leave me, and that we'll get through everything. But at a certain point the relationship is turning more and more just about my illness than about anything else. I've thought of hurting him so he would hate me and let me go.
I won't suicide any time soon. I've already decided that. I'm gonna remain here and he miserable so as to not make my family and friends miserable.
But when my mother is gone, I may have no intention of staying. In the meantime, I guess I'll never be happy. I guess I'll never feel ok with my life. It will always be some extreme. | self.bipolar |
Fought with sister and our neighbor came to complain about the yelling. Scared to go outside now... | self.Anxiety |
I always get quickly bored or tired of my jobs I am 25, been working since I was 14 in so many different kinds of jobs to name a few Ive worked as a mailman , baker , pumping gas for people, construction worker , working at the airport , warehouse worker , at different stores, coffee shops , restaurants etc
I have only gotten fired once and that was because a coworker lied about me
Other than that I always just end up changing jobs , quitting or just simply stopped showing up . The longest I’ve stayed in one place was as a mailman for 3 years almost but the others were all like a year tops.
I don’t know what is wrong with me but I very quickly start hating my job and getting bored and tired of it and I end up even disliking my coworkers and everything about the Job . I’ve been told a few times I’m a good worker and I work long hours and I might look like I’m a good worker on the outside but on the inside I just feel burnt out and these jobs make me really depressed, I might be working hard but at the same time I’m thinking about how I don’t belong here and suicide etc , drinking coffee and putting myself on autopilot
I don’t feel I am myself or that I am present in reality when I’m at work I kinda just go elsewhere in my mind and go in survival autopilot mode
That can make me very unfocused and coworkers show their frustration of that
I could go on and on but I think this is long enough already. Hopefully someone can relate
| self.depression |
My only 2 "friends" ditched me for New Years [deleted] | self.depression |
I am isolated from the rest of the world I can surround myself with people but it never helps. most of my life I changed my personality to be compatible with the people around me but I finally realized it will never satisfy me. now I can't even trick myself into thinking I am connected with people. no one ever understands the things I say, sometimes it's like I speak a different language. people think I'm being rude when in my reality I was trying to give them a compliment. I'm into shit that is considered weird to most of the world and even though I know people exist with my interests I can't ever find them because I have no idea how to socialize. | self.depression |
Why should I force myself to live? I don't want to be here. It's not fair that I have to be here for the happiness of others. I want so badly just to die. I want to just stop existing. | self.SuicideWatch |
Can't trust my own thoughts, what is real anymore? any insights? | self.depression |
Like a light switch Anyone just get anxiety come on like a light? Like just sitting at practice and been having a great time and then with no - and I mean ZERO provocation - just convinced everyone hates you? 0-60 in under a second. | self.Anxiety |
I got a job to fund my suicide I didn't get this job to pay my bills,or buy myself nice things.I got it to save up money for my preferred method. | self.offmychest |
Struggling to find any reason to live So let me give you my story, my name is Alex, I’m 21 years old and as far as life goes mine is pretty decent. I have a very good job, a loving family and an amazing supportive circle around me, I am always seen as the funny and happy guy wherever I go. But what no one realises is that everyday I battle against my own brain with suicidal thoughts. I have suffered with bad depression for the last year or so, prior to that I suffered with mild anxiety but a string of events led my mental health to sink to a point now where I am constantly considering suicide. Days like today I lose all control and my mind gets the better of me I lose all empathy and begin mentally planning my suicide, I have only come close to suicide once before, I had a handful of sleeping tablets and a bottle of bleach but just before I took them I stopped. I feel like I have no reason to live anymore and I cannot help but mentally plan my suicide to great detail, it’s torturous and I don’t want to feel like this anymore but I can’t help it, I just have no reason to live anymore and want to die | self.SuicideWatch |
Help for BDD? Hello. I’m a 17 year old girl who struggles with BDD, but I struggle finding help for it. It’s beginning to ruin my life and make me want to die. I absolutely hate myself and I feel like everyone feels the same way. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for years, but BDD is what has crippled me to the point where I’m ready to give up. I cannot stop obsessing over one of my flaws.
I’m currently seeing a counselor every week, but I do not share these thoughts with him because 1) I’m not quite sure he is trained to deal with BDD, and 2) I’m much too embarrassed to do so, because it sounds so stupid when I say it, yet I can’t stop believing it.
Please, if you dealt with or are dealing with BDD, tell me how you cope. Are there any good books I can read? Anything you can think of, please.
Note: I have recently started taking Zoloft (sertraline) for my depression, anxiety, and OCD. Hopefully, this will help.
Thank you! ❤️ | self.Anxiety |
Marijuana and depression I’ve been depressed for years now, and after first experimenting with weed i found it was the first thing that gave me a boost in mood, although temporary. Now, weed is the only thing i look forward to in the day for those few hours of joy it brings. Im worried my use will become a chronic addiction soon but i don’t want to go back to feeling nothing again. | self.depression |
My Family is Insisting I am Doing Worse Than I am [deleted] | self.bipolar |
My boyfriend says I am the most kind person he's met. [deleted] | self.depression |
Is anxiety a side effect of the flu I️ got sick recently not too sick but just didn’t feel like doing shit now today something triggered my anxiety a little and now I just have the feeling in my stomach I’m not nervous or anxious Anyone know why this could’ve happened | self.Anxiety |
i've got feelings and you've got depression I've become so attached to you. I love hearing you talk and seeing you smile and you just make everything worthwhile. But sometimes you've got bad days, those worse than usual. And I get sad as well. I often wonder what I can do to help. I feel like a bother for trying, but all I want is for you to be happy again. Because your best self makes me forget the bad days even exist.
I sometimes think that I'm not the one to give the world to you. I love you more than you love me, I'm pretty sure of that. But I don't care. I'll pour my heart out anyway. I love you anyway. I'll do my best anyway. If I get hurt, everything will be fine afterwards anyway. I just really, really wish you'd believe the same thing: that everything will be fine someday. | self.offmychest |
I really hate people Not all, but most. I know I shouldn't. I do my best not to. I'm nice to everyone I meet, I try to help others whenever I can. But I still don't like people. I know I shouldn't, it's not like I'm better than anyone else. Hell, I even hate myself for thinking like this. But I do. I'm too sensitive. So many things I've seen and heard have brought me to tears. There have been so many instances where I couldn't fathom how people could say those things or think those things, or do those things. It's so foreign to me, and I see it all the time. Someone once told me that people instinctively despise weakness. To the point where they would want someone dead just because they found them annoying. To the point where instead of helping someone who was hurting, they would react harshly. I know what they meant now. I can't fathom it, but I see it all the time. I hate people. I hate myself for not wanting to live in a world like this anymore. I've been battling with these thoughts for years. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But I'm just tired of fighting in general. I just really, really don't want to be here anymore. But I have to stay. I just wanted to get my feelings out. You can chastise me if you want, I know it's wrong. But I just can't see myself lasting for much longer. | self.depression |
I hate that I'm back here. I tried to commit suicide about a little over a year ago. I'm in a bad place again and I wish I had been successful. I don't have any particular need/want with posting this, but I just wanted to express it. I seriously have nothing to offer the world. I have before, but that time is gone. I'm a burden to my family and friends, and I have little to offer beyond paying my rent, and of course, my fair share of taxes. | self.SuicideWatch |
Alternatives to seroquel? Have you guys experience of having weight gain and fainting when taking this drug?
I’m dependent at it for sleeping purposes but once I take it.. i need to be laying down.. there’s four instances that i fainting going to the bathroom. It alters the oxygen in my brain in a way... very bad feeling. Also i gained weight after taking it for years.
Whats your experience? Any good alternatives or replacement for seroquel that doesn’t involve weight gain?
Thanks! | self.bipolar |
My dreams are telling me to kill myself. Today I wanted to listen. I'm so lost. There's so much wrong going on in my life. And it's finally taking its toll. I've always been a happy positive person. Suffering from anxiety but for the most part I've always done well. But the last year and a half my life has been spiraling worse and I don't know if I can keep pushing.
It started with my Grandmothers death. It was very sudden and we were very close. It broke my heart. I didn't think anything could ever hurt that bad. But life wanted to prove me wrong. A month after my Gramma died, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It was progressed. She soon moved in with my bf and I since we own our own home and had a spare bedroom. She needed someone to help take care of her. She went down hill fast. My mother didn't survive a year. She died in her sleep while I wasnt home. My bf found her. I've just recently been able to go into her bedroom. I couldn't believe I was being forced to suffer through this heart ache. But life decided I hadn't actually suffered enough. Two months after my mother died, my little sister died in a fatal car accident.
I don't have a big family. My dad doesn't have much to do with me. I do have my brother but he has his own family so we don't see each other much. My solace has always been my bf. I love him so. He has a big family and being a part of that has always been something so special to me.
Two weeks ago he admitted to me that he's no longer in love with me and not happy with our relationship. He wants to end things. He's the last person I have left. My last bit of strength. I have nowhere to go and no one I could move in with. The house is in his name so legally if he wants to end things I'll have to leave my home.
I've lost my Grandma, my mother, my sister, and now I'm about to lose the love of my life along with his family whom I love so much, and my home.
I'm a nervous wreck. I can't do anything. I can't sleep. But when I do sleep I have the most awful dreams. Dreams where my mother is back, where my sister is there. I believe they're alive only to wake up and be reminded of their deaths. Now I'm having nightmares of my bf leaving me. I've had multiple dreams where I'm trying to kill myself. In the dreams no one ever stops me. This morning I woke up in a panic attack from a particular vivid dream. I had committed suicide in the dream. When I woke up I had the strong urge to hurt myself. Take a whole bottle of pills, cut myself. Something. I came out of the bedroom and the only thing that stopped me was my bf sitting in the living room. Had I been alone I do believe I would have attempted. But he would have seen and stopped me. So I sat there in a panicked daze, shaking. Eventually the feeling went away.
I don't know what to do or why I even typed all this out. I just want someone to listen and understand why I want to hurt myself. I want someone to know how much I hurt. If someone can understand and justify my reasons for wanting to die.... I won't feel so guilty for feeling this way. I'm sorry.
tl;dr
My gramma, mom and little sister all died within a year. Now my bf of 4 years whom we own a house with wants to end the relationship which would mean I'm losing my home and his family(the only family I have left) as well. This is causing horrible dreams where I go to kill myself and then I wake up wanting to carry out the dream. | self.depression |
I'm not sure if i have a form of anxiety Throwaway account
I've always been a bit introvert. I felt very stressed last year after my father died, and I had exams coming up. I passed all with an a/a+, so I don't understand why I worried so much. It went away after I moved into high school level education (from Scandinavia), and this year I've been getting the feeling again, but milder though. I feel anxious when I think about upcoming assignments, when I call my work to ask when my next shift is, the other day I ended up buying shitty presents for my cousin because I was afraid to ask the workers if they had what I was looking for. Today I didn't go to the club with my friends, note I'm underage, but they were all assuring me I would be able to get in, and I know it's true. I also get awfully apologetic when I'm drunk, and I mess up the tiniest bit. I don't know if I should see a psychiatrist myself, if this is normal for students my age, or if I have some form for mild anxiety | self.Anxiety |
Depression is the enemy you can't beat I am a fighter like I play brutal sports in college and I'm used to pain, but when it comes to depression I want to defeat it in one simple step but it's not that easy. I go through days where I feel better knowing that there's nothing for me to screw up. I have these feelings not only at night when I'm alone but when I'm with friends and I know that they don't understand it because I get the normal response of "everybody feels that way man." and that's just a worse thing for me to think about. if everyone has it I must be a failure for letting it affect me in such a way where I cant get anything done for school and I just sit on my computer all day. Its miserable. | self.depression |
Girlfriend struggling with depression. Not sure what i can do. So my girlfriend (19) is having some at home issues. It seems her mom is very emotionally and verbally abusive to her. She says she will call her a bitch and constantly yell at her. Even today she tried to start something with her just because my girlfriend did not wish to speak with her due to a previous altercation. Later that night, she facetimed me in tears. She always joked about depression and how her life sucks, but she always made it out in a joking manner. Now I’m very concerned as it all appears to be very real now. Shes even told her mom that shes depressed and wants to kill herself, and the mom will just respond in a way that she thinks shes joking and needs to stop being childish.
Im not sure im equipped with the knowledge to deal with the situation. I love her and i want to be with her, so im asking for advice on how to help her through this. Ive thought of confronting her mom, but my gf has told me that she doesnt ever change, and that other family members have tried and failed before.
I believe ive done the basic boyfriend thing to do so far, tell her ill always be there for her, tell her things always get better, etc. i reassure her as much as i possibly can. i tell her i love her. im just not sure if this is all i can do? i know theres gotta be a way i can make all of this better but im just not sure where to start.
thanks in advanced for any replies. | self.depression |
I don't want to die but I don't want to live [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I don't like any part of myself I had a lot of time to think this weekend, so I was talking to myself. After a brief hourish long conversation, I realized that I really don't like any part of myself, even the ones that could be argued to be "good." I'll explain in further detail, for those who are interested. This is going to be quite the novel. Sorry.
So first of all, we have my normal state. We'll call this state, Euphoric OP, because that's the biggest factor of this state. Euphoric OP is like a hop and a step away from being a manic pixie dream boy. He's very flighty, idealistic, and pretty stupid. He's very dorky and silly, and you really can't take him seriously. He always goes on about dreams and what not, but he's incredibly lazy, so nothing he wants to do is actually going to happen. Overall, he's a pretty annoying guy. Most of the people around me like this state. They think I'm fun and intesresting and what not. But the problem is is that I hate everything about this state, about "the normal, real me." I hate not being able to be taken seriously. I hate how lazy yet idealistic I am. Sorry to bring up a cliche, but I always wanted to be a "cool kid," not a "class clown."
All that self-loathing gives birth to the second state, Depressed OP. Depressed OP is pretty straight forward. MDD, medicated. Of course, Depressed OP won't take his medication, because that would turn him into Euphoric OP, and there's nothing in this world he wants less. The only thing that Depressed OP hates more than Euphoric OP is himself. I feel like I don't really need to explain my feelings on this state, given that I'm on the depression subreddit, so we'll move on to the next one.
Depressed OP and Euphoric OP have a tendecy to be way to emotionally draining for most social situations, so a third state was developed over the past 7-8 years. We'll simply call this state Social OP. Social OP is fake. Pure and simple. How Social OP works is that he "reads" peoples social siganals and then imitates them. Now it's not like Social OP is malicious in his intent; he just wants to make everyone comfortable around him. The problem comes in two places. First, being in a state as fake as Social OP is draining for me. I can only keep up the gig for maybe an hour or two. It's also very awkward/cringey whenever I first go anywhere or meet anyone, because I spend the first few minutes trying to "read" them. The second problem comes when two people who have different social cues interact with me at the same time. It's then that it becomes incredibly apparent how fake Social OP is. The saddest part is that everyone I know bar three people only like me as much as they do because of this state's goal of being as likeable to people as possible. So it really feels like I don't have any real friends, besides those three mentioned before.
Finally, there's the real beauty. I think his name will tell you almost everything you need to know: Enraged OP. Anger issues? All of them. Thoughts of violence? As long as he's in charge. Threats of violence towards himself and others? I'm honestly lucky no one has pressed charges yet. Enraged OP is the most outwardly destructive state. He doesn't come out very often (thank god), but when he does, he fucks up everything. I said before that the only thing Depressed OP hates more than Euphoric OP is himself. This is true, but Enraged OP is a damn close second. I always have a hard time putting into words just how much I hate Enraged OP. It's hard to ellaborate just how much of my life has been screwed up because of my anger issues. It's all at once pathaetic and, ironically, angering.
In the end, almost everything Euphoric OP, Social OP, and Enraged OP do feeds into the self-hatred that fuels Depressed OP, who has lately been in charge more and more. I guess that means less of Enraged OP, but still. It doesn't help that it seems like all four states feed into each other or almost always go in pairs (Social OP will usually turn into Euphoric OP if I'm in a socail setting for too long and I get tired, and Enraged OP always fizzles out into Depressed OP). The only time I really feel comfortable with myself is when I'm playing video games or watching a show or movie, because instead of my emotions flinging wildly all over the place, I can connect them to something that's not a person (because if I try to emotionally connect with people, that'll just end up blowing up in my face, because most people can't/won't handle ALL OF THIS).
So yeah. That's just what I've been thinking about this weekend. I don't really know what I'm going to do about all this. | self.depression |
I always worry if I'm getting better or if I'm swinging up I have a lot more energy than I used to, and I've been waking up around 6:30 am without an alarm. This is the time my alarm is usually set to for work and I go to bed at 11 (more like 10:30 lately) so rationally, I'm probably just adjusting to my new schedule and doing fine. But you know how it is. I worry. I'm also going to try to go down to 20mg saphris instead of 25mg so I don't need to pay two $70 copays every month.
Thoughts? Nothing else is really changed, I am not spending more money or anything like that. It's like I don't think I'm allowed to feel okay and wake up and have enough energy for the way.
BTW have a kick ass semester guys. | self.bipolar |
Does anyone else feel like two people? I read this allegedly true story about Edward Mordake, who had an extremely rare condition where he grew another face on the back of his head.
He begged doctors to remove this face, and told them that the face would whisper things only said in Hell. And the face would always contract Edwards feelings: when Edward was happy, the face would be angry, and when Edward was sad, the face would laugh. As a result of this hellish existence, Edward Mordake committed suicide at the age of 23.
Regardless of the credibility of this story, it gives an interesting perspective to living with these thoughts, and why we sometimes feel like we don't deserve to feel the way we do.
I live in a nice and warm house, I have more than enough food, I get to do a lot of the things I enjoy. And in the end, I don't think life shits on me any more than other people.
So there's me, the guy who is doing too well. And then there's the face on the back of my head who just wants me to carve out my wrists and jump in front of an incoming train.
And it's no fucking wonder I'm losing the fight.
| self.SuicideWatch |
Watching everything you want fall out of reach This isn't easy to do partly cause I dont share feelings and party cause I've taken more xanax than I should have.anyway, my story starts with my best friends. I spend every waking moment with my buddy and his girl and their four amazing kids.after time worn on I noticed small amounts of abuse and cheating on His part.me and his girl slowly started bonding and feelings were admitted to me and I reciprocated.but things are piling up like problems from so called friends making the situation more difficult and other outside interference. Now the abusive father if her children is pulling mind games.and I think she is falling for it.when I found her I was living with a gun in my mouth and now that I know how she felt I almost felt true hope.i started feeling happy again.but now I fear its being taken from me.I don't think I can handle anything this major being taken from me in my life again.I've lost so much and know now that my life is forfeit. | self.depression |
Yes, I told you to go away, but that didn’t mean a divorce. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
How do you get rid of mouse anxiety? I'm seriously so scared of mice. I saw one run across my porch when I was outside smoking a cigarette. I ran back in the apartment complex with my cigarette still lit (which is a lease violation) thankfully I didn't get caught by anyone. I'm so goddamn scared of mice I start crying and having a panic attack. | self.Anxiety |
I'm matter but I don't matter It's just not fair, how people can just have meaningful lives and relationships while I just sit here and rot away. I keep giving my things and money away hoping it makes me feel better, but it never does. Only once in a blue moon does anyone ever text me to ask how I'm doing, I'm basically a ghost at this point. I wrecked the family car, why do I have to fuck up everything? I think I have very much made up my mind with this sort of thing. I'm getting a relieving feeling that my days are numbered, and then just maybe I can find peace soon. | self.depression |
I just want people to stop worrying I worry about others worrying about me, most notably my psychiatrist. She showed it, whether intentional or accidental. And now I’m worried about my therapist worrying about me because she’ll know the darker stuff from my freshmen year of high school which I just pushed out of my brain and some other stuff. I don’t want her to worry. Then I get to talk to a doctor in my hometown and worry them and people in my family are going to worry because I’m not a bit mentally stable.
I just don’t want people to worry about me. Sure, I feel like shit half the time, but I won’t do anything. I’m not worth the extra concern.
And now I’m just digging myself a hole into depression. Worry that leads to self hate that leads to worries and more self hate. And it just gets worse and worse with every low.
I’m so tired of this. | self.bipolar |
God was trolling me so badly when he made me a skullcel manlet
I mean if I had a regular sized head and wasn't short I'd probably be modeling and getting paid for lookinggood and exotic.
my bodybuilding genetics and frame are top tier but im just so small and top light | self.depression |
Alone Just got dumped by my fiance just as we were starting to really plain out joining our lives together. We had been planing this for 3 and a half years.
I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time but this relationship was the first thing that made me feel hope and motivation and any sense that I would have a chance for a happy future. I was improving and starting to develop some feelings of self worth. Now I am far worse off emotionally than I was before we were together.
I dont believe that there is anyone out there who would be willing to put up with the broken person that I am.
I dont care about myself enough to try anymore and no one is going to want to be with me me until I improve.
So I'm stuck, until I feel loved I will never try to improve and no one would ever want me in my current state. I don't think I can be happy alone.
Why should I keep living and suffering when there is no chance for happiness?
I cant keep living just because my family will miss me, I cant keep feeling this pain anymore. I can't stand waking up knowing this is my life now. | self.SuicideWatch |
Panic out of control, probably due to in-law drama and life changes Hey guys,
I am normally a poster in another subreddit, and I strongly believe the events of the last year have led me to where I currently am. I am mostly just looking for any kind of coping tips/advice that can help me regain some sense of security and safety, and help curb some of the anxiety I am feeling. Internet hugs are good too though.
My DH left active duty military earlier this year. We moved back to our home state right away, which I really didn't want to do. We also moved in with my shitty MIL, which I also didn't want to do. I have a school-aged child, LO1, and I was very pregnant with LO2 at the time. I left a career that was everything to me as well. Basically, my entire life changed overnight. I didn't really want to do any of it, but DH was really insistent on getting out and moving back home, and going back to school to complete his degree at the university where he started it. I walked away from the life and career I worked very hard to build there to support him in this endeavor. I am not blaming him-- I am obviously an adult, capable of making my own decisions-- but I believe the context is important. I was afraid to leave and feel like I was "going back in time" back to my home state. I went because I love DH and wanted to support him.
Like I said, we moved in with my shitty MIL-- I won't bore you all with details, but she is a pretty terrible person, and mentally unstable to the nth degree. I felt it was a bad idea from the start, as we have had problems with her in the past, but again, I wanted to support DH. He felt strongly about staying there with her and wanting to take care of her. So I tried to do that. Again, I won't bore you with details (and I'd like to maintain some anonymity here)-- but, suffice it to say, it ended badly. We had to leave to protect our children from her, and to protect DH, and had to end communication with her and with one of DH's siblings in the fallout.
We've maintained contact with his other siblings, but as a result of ending communication with DH's mother and other sibling, we've incurred the wrath of other family members. DH's mother and sibling also do not leave us alone and we are frequently subjected to unwanted text messages and phone calls from them and extended family members.
I took a new job several hours away from our hometown where MIL lives in an effort to get us away from there. MIL does not know specifically where we are, though I suspect she knows we have relocated to New Town. I should feel safe now. I mostly do. I am no longer afraid to let LO1 out of my sight, or put down LO2. But I am experiencing intense anxiety now.
During the time that we were living in MIL's home, before we moved out, I felt on-edge all the time, like a cornered animal. I felt like I couldn't let my kids out of my sight for even a second. I slept with my kids in the room with me, out of fear MIL would take them if they were in their rooms alone. It was for good reason. But I wasn't experiencing what I would call anxiety at that time. I was just... vigilant. Very vigilant. Have you ever gotten too close to a nest of baby Blue Jays while the mother was nearby, and been dive-bombed and attacked as a result? I was the mother bird.
We left that house seven months ago, and while there is a buffer of several hours between us and MIL, and she doesn't know where we are now, I am now experiencing intense anxiety. It's as if since I know that the immediate danger has passed, my brain now feels it's safe for me to finally have a reaction to everything that happened. When the phone rings, or when DH gets a text, my heart rate picks up immediately and I may or may not have a panic attack. I have nightmares about MIL taking my kids and I can't find them. I've recently started having panic attacks that don't even really have a trigger at all. I am living in fear. We have safeguards in place at the kids' school and daycare, and they know that their grandmother is 100% not authorized to pick them up, and neither are any other relatives. DH is able to get free counseling for everything that happened through the university he is attending, and is considering making an appointment, and LO1 is in behavioral therapy through the university (this has obviously affected LO1 as well). I also want to stress that, though I felt that moving in with MIL was not a good idea, DH and I never could have fathomed things would deteriorate to the extent they did. We never would have predicted some of the things she did, and said, and threatened to do, and have certainly learned our lesson. We are committed to maintaining no contact with her, and with DH's sibling.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety in the past and have been on medication as well. I am not currently receiving any treatment, because of the cost. But I do remember a lot of coping methods from times I was in treatment in the past. I do try and use them-- things like meditation, slow and measured breathing, etc. But I'm hoping someone somewhere has some advice or relaxation techniques or even words of encouragement that I haven't heard before. Please help.
| self.Anxiety |
New relationship but convo means he needs to know [deleted] | self.bipolar |
I never been able to picture living past 35. [deleted] | self.depression |
Positive thoughts Tell us all one thing you love about yourself. | self.bipolar |
Contemplating Suicide is Boring Anyone else at the point where even contemplating suicide feels like a chore? I’m never going to get the guts to go through with it, I’m too afraid, so why waste my time constantly thinking about it? I guess I don’t have anything better to do with my time. | self.depression |
Severe anxiety after being admitted and realeases...help!! I need help! I cant do this!its a continuous fullblown anxiety!! | self.bipolar |
Just need to tell someone... The 17th anniversary of the first date my husband and I went on is coming up. I just need to tell someone, who hasn't heard this before, how awesome he is. We are by no means perfect but he is perfect for me. He makes me want to be a better person (so cliche), wife, and mother. He pushes me to be my best self. He inspires and supports me.
He is not perfect. He has his faults. However, I have never doubted his love. In spite of our issues over the years, he has worked to make our marriage the best it can be. At our lowest point, he fought for us. At my lowest point, he fought for me.
I will thank the stars till the day I die that I have found him. He loves me when I don't love myself. I can not imagine life without him by my side. I hope to wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life.
He is an amazing father and husband. He is a hard worker who is an inspiration for his family. He strives to provide the best for his family. I'm continuously amazed by his ability to set goals and determination to achieve them. He strives every day to expand his knowledge. I'm so very proud of his multiple accomplishments. His volunteer work and generosity are recognized in our community while he stays humble and says it's not a big deal. He is making a difference in kids lives every year and, to him, it's just having fun and sharing his passion. (Geez I love him for this) He is, really, a good person.
Also, he is super hot.
Sorry guys, I just love him to pieces | self.offmychest |
Say that you love me I want you to say it. Over and over again. Tell me how much you love me. I want to know how much love you have for me | self.offmychest |
Chaturbate model I recently became a chaturbate model to make a bit of extra money. My family is extremely conservative and religious. I hate hiding this aspect of my life, but I can't think of a way to break the news to them, so I probably won't. They're very judgmental, and were very angry at me when I moved in with someone even though I wasn't married. In fact, they wouldn't let us come visit and stay in their house until we got married. This posed a big issue, since I live over 3000 miles away. I either had to marry him, not visit, or rent a hotel room.
I hate that they are so close-minded. I see no issue with my lifestyle. I'm a "good" person, motivated, hard-working, and very loving. I wish they could be more accepting. | self.offmychest |
Zoloft Reassurance Hi guys! I was just prescribed Zoloft after battling pretty shitty anxiety for the last couple of months complete with panic attacks. I’m really really really hoping this makes me feel better but I’m scared it won’t.
I took my first dose yesterday and I feel so weird. It feels like my body is cold and numb, and I’m awake at 5AM, when I should be sleeping until 7.
I’m just worried I’ll feel like this the whole time. The idea that a drug is controlling my moods is very weird.
Send reassurance or good stories please. | self.Anxiety |
Is this because of anxiety? I don’t open up to people and they think I’m an asshole or weird but then some day I start being more my self and they start to like me and I feel like they hate me so I shut off again. Is this normal? | self.Anxiety |
my friend is just a constant reminder of how much better he is than me [deleted] | self.depression |
What kind of things does your anxiety try to tell you? The intention of this post is educational, and maybe even something that some people can turn to for some peace of mind.
I was at the gym earlier, after waking up to a fairly clear morning. I suddenly had an invasive thought about developing schizophrenia (something I fear pretty often) , and it triggered a mild anxiety attack. Tunnel vision, an inner voice that kept derailing, and an inability to focus on my workout. All due to one puny, non-tangible thought. This happens to me with other things than just the idea of schizophrenia, and I know I'm not alone.
I'd like to start a conversation, or even just hear some advice about this phenomenon. Alot of times over thinking opens a door for our anxiety to infiltrate, and for people who think they are going insane, know that you are not alone.
What are some of the things you guys experience like this? | self.Anxiety |
My Condition Sometimes I am depressed. I feel lonely. I want everyone's attention towards me. Continuous heartaches. Continuous pain. But sometimes i feel at the top. But that's when i fake day dream. But in reality I'm dying from inside. I want to be normal. Want to stay out of Regrets... | self.depression |
Anyone have Their Anxiety Triggered By Certain music? Bringing back an old post This has happened to me since I was a child. A form of my anxiety (not sure how common this is, really) is that something feels ominous. Like the air feels almost sinister. Something is just *off*. And some music can induce a panic attack in me.
I remember being about 7 years old, riding in the car with my family and the radio was on. A song came on, can't remember what, and I got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and made them turn the stereo off. Keep in mind, I didn't discover I had anxiety until I was 21, and diagnosed at 24 (earlier this year).
A few weeks back, I went and visited my sister. She found it astounding that I'd never heard of some band that she claimed was "classic goth music" (which always seems to make me super uneasy, so I steer clear of it). So she puts the record on and after about 10 seconds, I'm increasingly getting louder with my insistence that she turn it off (she never listens to me, so i end up having to shout at her). By the time she does, I'm shaking and tears are rolling down my face, and I'm hyperventilating. None of them had ever seen me fully react like that because I always turned the music off in time.
It took a long time to come down from that. lol
Anyone else like this? | self.Anxiety |
College wont help me with therapy, so how do I find a therapist at a low cost? Well I dragged myself to school to talk the disability services about what they could do for me and went to the mental health services as well to see if I could see a therapist. I was told they couldn't help someone with bipolar. So how do I go about finding a therapist when I'm basically broke as shit? I went to a place close by before that adjusted based on income earlier in this year, but the only therapist that was willing to take me ended up being someone I really couldn't stand. So that place is out of the options, not sure if any other places around are income based, but I haven't found any yet in my search. | self.bipolar |
I want to hurt myself so much but I'm too scared. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Especially to those who struggle with self harm: how do you get through mixed episodes without hurting yourself? I'm really struggling with my mixed episode right now. And I've ended up in the ER twice in he last month from a half assed suicide attempt and suicidal ideation with self harm. I can't do that again and I'm trying so hard to distractyself right now, but it's not enough. I've started new medications within the last few weeks so still tapering up on lamictal. Does anyone have any suggestions for getting through this hell without hurting myself or exploding in rage and watching the world burn around me? Basically how do you stop yourself from total self destruct mode? Sorry for the rambling post. | self.bipolar |
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