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I'm so tired of not being able to tell which of my thoughts are real and which are irrational/exaggerated things I've made up from being depressed I feel like my perception of reality is just fucked I guess, or that I've become extremely sensitive and now overreact to things people say when they didn't even mean something in the way I thought.. | self.depression |
I absolutely despise a word. I hate the fucking word "whilst". It even hurt me to type it. Every time I read it on this site I have to completely change my inner dialogue because that word is superfluous to my vocabulary.
Throw me some words in other languages, made up words, onomatopoeia... literally everything else.
That word will forever grind my gears and I'm upset that I'm upset because of it. I bite my thumb at you people who think you're cool for using it. | self.offmychest |
Kavinace Does anyone use Kavinace? My doc prescribed a couple of pills per day - they contain a smaller amount of Phenibut from what I can tell (250 mg?). Anyway, I know Phenibut is not good for daily usage but I'd like to use this as prescribed for about a month. Any experiences out there? Thank you for your time and help. | self.Anxiety |
eli eli lama sabachthani Well.
I guess I should've posted this shit in R/Offmychest or whatever the fuck You call it. I'll mope on with my story.
I'm 16
I know, I know. "You're sixteen, you shouldn't be on this subreddit"
Fuck that
But my story starts in 2012. I was 11. My mom meets a guy online after my dad left before I was born. Interested at first. Never had a guy figure
He's nice as hell at first. Cool guy. Into video games. Same shit I was into. Eventually he realizes he has full reign. Slowly stuff starts changing. First it's good stuff. I was picky. He made me eat otherfood. Then it was you can't watch horror movies, I'll help you through the Jumps
Everything was fine until the punishments started happening
I joined the Boys and Girls club at my town
Hot girls there. I ask him one day if I could hang out with them. He flips out. Says "Hanging out" means Blowjob or some shit. Forbids me from seeing them
We move in with his mom because my mom can't pat rent. His mom's place is worse
I sleep on the rug
No afterschool anything.
No friends outside of school
I get it. It wasn't permanent
Move into current house
Go to school
No afterschool stuff
I complain
He punishes me by
Taking away my TV
No shoes this winter because you haven't polished them. I walk half a mile to school
Duck tape on my sshsshoes
I try o have some semblance of a life outside of school. Walk home with friends. Step dad says I was late.
Takes away books. Says I read too much.
Fast forward freshman year.
I sneak a phone.
Shit hits the fan.
Strip searched before I leave
Walk in front of him shopping
Leave bathroom doors open at all times
Locks me in my room
Sees the root of my evil is school.
Takes me out of school
Online sschool
Locked in my room 18 hours a day. 4 bologna sandwiches. Bread a bologna. That's it.
Tell him I want to be a Teacher. Laughs.
Tell him my dreams. Laughs.
Tell him my favorite bands. "Only I can like them because I liked them first."
I start shoplifting because after I get him something he wants he offers a McDonald's burger.
Mcchicken for everytime I steal for him.
The only time he says Good job.
Meanwhile my mom realizes shit.
Tries leaving him over and over
Comes back always
Has two kids
Both eat more than me.
One day my mom leaves for the longest.
Two days
I get a phone finally. Promises things will get better.
Come back.
Only difference is I have a phone
Still homeschooled
Still eating sandwiches.
I'm allowed only to shower once a month.
"You're living a privlidged life"
I've got two years to go. Two years and I'll be free. Two years and i told him I'll bebgone
Says I'll die out there.
I'm slowly starting to think I won't last these two years. My mind is going slowly. No social interactions outised of messages.
I have a bunch of science chemicals provided by my school
I'll make a little cocktail. | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm back Still kicking, but still not doing so hot. I posted here a couple of months ago explaining that I was having suicidal thoughts for the first time ever. It isn't me. But I still have them. I don't want to kill myself, but I want to be dead. If that makes sense. I'm still not sure what the root of my depression is, and I still am holding back from telling anyone (including a therapist), however I've told myself I should probably about a thousand times. I changed my living location in hopes that it was my ever-deteriorating relationship with my roommates that was setting me off so bad. No such luck. In fact, it was so opposite that I dissolved my relationship with my sister (who also lived with me) in doing so. It was a whole big thing. Anyway, I still find myself having extraordinarily off days. I'd say it's split half and half now, between when I have moderately okay days and days where I just don't want to exist. Today is one of the latter. I really wish I knew why I lost motivation. I just don't feel the need to even get out of bed anymore. All I wanna do is sleep. I know my relationships are starving because of this behavior too, which unfortunately also doesn't help with the motivation issue.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I really can't afford to go to a therapist, if even for one sit-down. And I'm sure as hell not telling anyone in my life that I've been *drastically* different from myself lately.
Last time I posted here, I had a short chat with a redditor. It was actually very short, but it helped to get the words out of the solitude that is my mind. So here I am. I guess that's all I had to say really. I'll just leave this here now. | self.SuicideWatch |
I think I’m done So this may not make much sense but I think I am finally completely done. Trying to keep myself together has gotten too much and I can’t do it anymore.
The most fucked up part is that there is nothing actually wrong with my life that I can point to and say “this is the problem, this is why I feel so bad” I just fucking hurt so much for no reason and I don’t want my eventually breakdown and fucking mess of my life to have to affect people any more than it already has.
I honestly think it would be better off for everyone I know if I didn’t exist anymore. I am very very close to taking a bunch of pills, I have them next to me, the only thing really stopping me is that I am not sure it will actually kill me or if I will just fuck my life up even more.
| self.SuicideWatch |
I want to die Not a day goes by where I don’t think about dying. How ceasing to exist is only when I’ll attain happiness. I want to be nothing. | self.SuicideWatch |
my life is going nowhere I just turned 24, still live with my parents, and I work at fucking costco. I just dont know what to do, my motivation has been completely drained at this point. I dream of jumping off the bridge from the time i wake up to the time i go to sleep. i know a lot of people have it worse but fuck im tired of this. im tired of waking up and hating every single aspect of myself because i know its all my fault
the worst is i feel cliche as fuck and im sure this has all been said 1000 times i just want to get it off my chest | self.SuicideWatch |
Getting spooky. So in the last few weeks, the suicidal thoughts have been sounding more and more rational and thought out. Before, they were pretty easy to identify, and I could just distract myself until they stopped. But now, it's like a reasonable person is explaining why my life is shit and will continue to be shit. All the perceivable outcomes are shit.
I hurt all the time, and I'm fucking tired of it. | self.SuicideWatch |
On average, how many hours Do you sleep? Do you use any medication? My sister's husband is Ambien Boy but I don't want to get started on this because of its addicting qualities.
Lately, I seem to be more tired than usual and I only sleep about 5 hours a night on average. Never more than 6.
| self.Anxiety |
I quit smoking today! Bought a vape and am taking my first steps!
Was a fairly heavy smoker and it was something I've been talking about and wanted to act on for a while.
One day I'm hoping to even be vape free!
Life is stressful but smoking isn't worth it to me anymore.
It's only been half a day but this is the longest I've ever lasted without one!
Im so excited and proud!
| self.offmychest |
Rejection sucks, especially when it’s someone you look up too I’m really tired of making plans with people only to have them fall through last minute. Today i asked my sister if she wanted to go see a movie. She already had plans but said she’d try and make it back in time which i understood. But she said if not then she’ll be home and watch a movie together. I feel like and idiot for waiting for her. I waited 5hours and she ended up staying at her friends. I know something like that is stupid to get caught up on but this past few months have been lonely and shitty. Im on tinder and I’m teykgn to get back into dating but every time i get enticed about going on a date it gets canceled last minute too. I’m already nervous and shy so the build up every time is rough. I can’t seem to have anyone in my life that actually wants to hangout with me family or friends. I feel like I’m only here to be company for my cat. And this morning i had toast with peanut butter and tripped going up the stairs and dropped it. I never thought something so small as that would cause me to feel so sad and pathetic. I feel like shit for even venting on here.. | self.depression |
Being retraumatized, regasligt and making my post TBI depression worse by a reddit forum that is supposed to be run by "neuropsychologists" I suffered a severe TBI with a subdural hematoma and part of my skull was removed for a week. I had a great life and then I woke up in the hospital 2 weeks later. It took a few days for me to qucikly snap more and more back to. The progress is slower now so I can't see it like I could then. However, once I snapped to reality past a certain point I wanted to be allowed to leave the hospital in a different city than I live in and do outpatient therapy. Well that was fine because I was going to get out on this day at this time. Great! However, then some "state funding" came through for me and they suddenly wanted me to stay for two more months!
The hospital speech therapists, physical and occupational therapists then started to try to gaslight me into making me believe that I was crazy and mentally unstable. That everything I did or said was due to my condition. That my prognosis was a far longer road to certain things (like even standing up, or driving) than I actually had. I wrote about this and am being downvoted and bashed like no other on that neuropsych board. In fact, it kind of just confirms to me that many of those professionals need to think they are always right and that everything is concrete, even though very little is still known about our brains overall and science changes all the time. I'm feeling especially forlorn now without the backup that I hoped to gain. The affirmation I hoped to be able to give myself, that my reality, is real to me.
The gaslighting didn’t work in the moment, because I was determined and had clear objective goals for myself to prove them wrong by testing well on all cognitive screenings. Now that I don’t have that anymore, I should be happy to be free but instead find myself thinking I am crazy all of the time. The self doubt is incredible and the anxiety and compulsive excessive research on the subject (which they know little about) only makes it worse.
I’m not actively suicidal but passively find myself wondering why I couldn’t have just died when everyone thought I was going to. | self.depression |
As of 12:00 AM, EST, 1/1/18, I will have 365 days to make things right. If I am unable to turn things around and make myself content, I will pull the trigger. The way I see it, if I cannot do it in a year, I will never be able to do it. I am tired of moving in circles. Either I start living, or I to on dying.
I feel oddly relieved by this. Is anyone else doing something similar? | self.depression |
I told my doctor I was seeing people and they were talking to me she suggested therapy | self.bipolar |
Dating for a week, then she just disappeared. I was taking this girl out on a date for a week, we met up three times and I honestly had one of the best times of my life, she was absolutely beautiful and we got along very well. Took her out to eat, went to the movies and she was all over me, cuddly, affectionate and seemed compassionate.
I stayed at her house and we ended up getting intimate, it was like an angel graced my presence, unfortunately I kinda of let the "I love you" slip out and kind of made her back off.
We talked a bit about it and I apologized for coming on so strong and that we can take it slow. The following day we made plans to hang out and I asked when she said: "Whenever."
That is the last time I have heard from her, my heart feels like it is going to explode and my suicidal thoughts are racing.
I fell head over heels for this girl and she was really into me too, then just left like nothing.
Fuck this hurts. | self.SuicideWatch |
I wish I could just turn it off, but I can't. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
self-doubts... i dont know if im actually depressed if im just being a little bitch/lazy/too sensitive?
my roommate says that taking antidepressants validates my depression, but sometimes it feels like im just being dumb and lazy. Does anyone else feel this way?
Am i depressed? or just sad? | self.depression |
Fun fact about myself: I'm on a Hattrick of breakups whilst watching black mirror. I was thinking about this today and it is a bit of a quirky unfortunate coincidence. | self.depression |
the only thing left for me to do is die i allowed my dog to lick my genitals while jerking off on two seperate occasions, i can't help thinking that what i did is animal abuse and i've read several posts where people have related it to child abuse. i can't live with myself knowing that i'm an abuser. i regret it so much and no matter what i can't seem to forgive myself and i want to die. i'm an embarassment to society. what other choice do i have? | self.offmychest |
Panic disorder I have been diagnosed with depression 6 weeks ago (been depressed most of my life though), referred to counseling which is full so I'm on a waiting list at the moment and given 20mg Fluoxetine daily. About 4 days ago my sporadic panic attacks just became more regular and serious. I fainted a few times after a panic attack and one of those times was at work. I am now anxious about going back to work as I'll have to explain to everyone what happened. At A&E I was told to try breathing exercises and see my GP. My GP was actually great. She put me on propranolol and upped my Fluoxetine. But she also noticed some fresh SH wounds. I'm a mess at this point. I don't want to get out of bed and all I do is cry. I need to go into work to give them my sick note and I'm dreading the thought of even getting out of bed. On top of that I do not trust myself to be alone with my nearly 2 year old boy in case I have a panic attack and faint. :( | self.depression |
Why can’t I post anything without someone trying to nitpick and invalidate the shit out of anything I say? How cool do you have to be to constantly bump yourself up by believing your opinion is better?
I hate people | self.Anxiety |
Is there eventually a point to all this shit? Everyone is just living this crappy ass thing society has made, that makes people feel like crap and gives you no options. What’s the point in living if it’s in this kind of world? | self.SuicideWatch |
Trigger warning - Irrational thoughts, feelings after Depersonalization So basically I recovered from DP this year...but as the symptoms slowly vanished, I still battled irrational thoughts from day to day when suddenly my mind switched to: ur life is over. I was overwhelmed, suddenly paranoid of time, feeling like I shouldnt be here anymore.
When u have DR, u are alienated from your surroundings, my mind is still conditioned from it. First thoughts like: Is this really your hometown as you knew it?
Or much worse: How do I know I am not dead? Or I didnt die when DP hit me?
There is no answer to this, and it freaks me out, maybe I am destined to suicide or so?
Then the time thing, I am anxious of the date and like my mind cant cope with the time passing so fast, I really cant explain it.
In August, there was a switch in my mind, on the first of August, I was laying in bed and suddenly the thought "suicide could be my destiny" popped up and made me unable to sleep. But it was much more painful than anxiety as I knew it back then with DP...AND THIS IS WHAT SCARES ME. I THINK THOSE THOUGHTS ARENT ANXIETY RELATED BUT DEPRESSION.
I feel like I will never recover from this, it feels like I am trapped and thinking that theres soon a "2018" on the calendar triggers like a hopelessness, painful, suicidal feeling!:(
I FEEL SO ALONE. | self.Anxiety |
My Anxiety is non-existent when I'm sleep deprived. I have the basics, Depression and Social Anxiety. My Anxiety is awful during most regular days. You know the drill.
But I also have Insomnia. And at first when it started, somewhere near my 24th hour awake I'd feel absolutely terrible. Jittery, even more anxious, generally unwell.
Now that it's been going on for a while now, on my days I haven't slept at all, I am literally on top of the world.
Today for example, didn't sleep last night, left the house at 7am (Something I usually dread in general), practically whistled my way down to the bus stop and began to sort out a long backlog of issues that have piled up this month.
I had a semi lengthy conversation with the bus driver, talked to a bunch of people at University I'd been putting off talking to, even visited an old teacher friend at my previous college completely on impulse and had an actual conversation that didn't last 40 seconds and consist of me trying to find an out to leave.
It's not just me purposely putting the effort in to work on my anxiety, it's just completely non-existent.
I mean, I still feel a bit drained, and I get the physical jitters during the day which is pretty standard when you haven't slept, but holy hell I just don't understand what's going on.
I'm aware it's not healthy, but this isn't exactly a recommendation. I am genuinely perplexed. All I can seem to find online is that sleep deprivation *causes*, or at least worsens anxiety.
Any clue what's going on? Anyone with similar experiences? | self.Anxiety |
Have any of you ever had an HIV scare that resulted in a negative result? Hi guys. I’m a 21 year old Latina female and I made a reddit account because I just wanted to vent; not that any of you really care. I made a really bad decision last year in October when I decided to go out to a club with my coworkers and drink ( I drank 7 shots to be exact). I had recently turned 21 and broken up with my boyfriend of 3 years so why not? Anyways, I ended up meeting a guy (Latino) at the club and we were just hanging out all night. I don’t really know how it happened but we ended up having unprotected vaginal sex. It lasted about 2-5 minutes because he ejaculated really fast. He did pull out but I’m still scared because there could have been an exchange of Precum. Some of my coworkers personally know this guy, and say he is heterosexual and a non iv drug user. He also recently got out of a long term relationship. I texted him and asked him for plan b just in case of anything and he went out of his way and drove 20 minutes to bring me it. I thought it was nice because he was a stranger and he could have easily said no. A couple of days later, I really started to freak out because I started thinking about how I didn’t know anything about his status. I have only been with 2 other men who were both virgin before me. In other words, I would have never slept with this guy if I wasn’t drunk. I texted him and asked him if there was anything that I should be worried about and he told me that he works for a hospital and that he gets a lot of health checkups. He told me that he would go get tested and show me his results and that I was over thinking it. I did end up stalking him on Instagram which did confirm that he does work at the hospital. My friends thought that it would be best if I blocked him and went on my own to get tested. I went 2 weeks after and took an antibody rapid test but, of course, tested negative. The three past months have been so hard because I have had weird symptoms.
Symptoms:
1) I had a mild yeast infection a week after incident. (Which I am hoping was due to taking Plan B. I was supposed to get my period that week and I think the pill threw my hormone balance off. Plus, I was douching with how disgusted I was in myself, which I think made it worse)
2) I got a minor cold, but everyone around me had a cold. I got the cough, phlegm, runny nose
3) I started to feel dizzy for a few weeks
4) muscle aches
5) I thought I had oral thrush but I bought a tongue scraper and my tongue went back to normal
6) minimal mouth ulcers and body rash (but these are quite normal for me. I have eczema)
7) I got a weird lump by my ear but everyone has inspected it, and apparently it looks like a scab or scratch
None of these symptoms have been severe. I have a really weak immune system because I’m always getting sick so I would think if it was HIV, it would be way worse. I’m really hoping that all of these symptoms are because of my health anxiety. It has already been the 3 month period so I am going tomorrow morning to be tested. I am so scared, even though I have already looked up statistics on CDC. I’m afraid that maybe this guy isn’t aware of his status yet & that I will be one of those very unlucky numbers.
I know it sounds so silly. I just really wanted to vent. I’ve researched HIV like never before and I know it’s not a death sentence but my family would never understand this (being that they are a very traditional Christian Hispanic family)
Wish me the best of luck, I need it!
Btw, I’m from Ventura county, California where hiv prevalence is really low. | self.Anxiety |
Any good advice for getting on meds? I've been incredibly out of control lately, and I know I need help, I just don't know where to start. I do not have insurance right now, nor do I have much money to spare on this, so a more costly suggestion would suit me. I just know things can't continue the way that they are. I live in Washington state, if that helps. I've never done this before and I honestly don't even know where to begin, just need a solid place to start, and would appreciate any and all the help I can get. | self.bipolar |
Taking trileptal, still depressed So I started taking trileptal on November 21 while super hypomanic/possibly having I guess a mixed episode. I started off with 300mg a day and after 4 days I moved to 600mg a day which I’ve been taking ever since. It pulled me out of my hypomania but I’ve been so fucking depressed since. I saw my psychiatrist once since I started and she said to just keep taking it and just see if it equaled out or not and it’s honestly gotten worse and now I don’t see her until the day after Christmas, three weeks since my last appointment. I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly as well and I’m just so fucking tired all the time and idk what to do because I don’t want to be too serious when talking to my therapist because I don’t want her to send me to the hospital or anything but idk. She knows i still have suicidal thoughts/wish I was just dead but honestly at this point I don’t even have the energy to or in the effort to actually kill myself. Is trileptal supposed to help with depression or what? | self.bipolar |
I think I'm done I dont think anyone who actually knows me would care about this, I dont think anyone reading this does either, so I'm sorry; I really need to get this out.
I'm just done being too good and not enough at the same time; I'm tired of being the "genius, if only you put in a little more effort", I'm tired of being the "most wonderful person" someone's ever met and then being too much to handle, I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm not hurting and I'm okay, I'm tired of living with this stupid face I wear in front of everyone, I'm tired of having to be okay.
There's so much to remember; I've spent my entire life trying to make memories with people so that I wouldnt be forgotten, and all these memories are haunting me. Every night. Every day. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, every time I think of all the times I tried my best to be enough but wasnt. I'm just not. I know that. Im just a stupid idiot who keeps hoping the next time is different when I know it's not going to be.
I was on a trip this time last year, I remember going to bed every night praying that I get to end things on a high, I knew my downfall was coming; it always comes. I dont miss him, I miss having a home, I miss belonging, I miss having something to look forward to after my shift ends. Now it's just an empty room, wasted space that I wont leave my mark on.
There's so much I'm holding on to, and I swear I tried to be strong, I swear I did. I wanted to prove to you that things get better. But I dont think they do. Not for me.
I'm sorry for rambling. But I think tonight's it for me; the sky is cloudy and I cant see the moon, but the wind feels nice. I would have loved to be able to reach out to a welcoming sky; but I guess not even the night wants to deal with me.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It's too much. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry. | self.SuicideWatch |
What's your favorite way to relieve muscle tension after an anxiety attack? Looking to crowdsource some ideas for self-care! When I get anxious, I tense up a hell of a lot which causes a lot of sinus/ear discomfort, as well as a lot of headaches, neck pain, and back pain.
Right now, my favorite things are progressive muscle relaxation, giving myself a massage, having a hot shower, or just taking some sinus advil/tylenol.
What about you? | self.Anxiety |
How to leave a pretty body I'm done and want to leave my mother and sibling a pretty body and not a mess .How to die painfully and leave a pretty body leaving donenation worth organs preferred. | self.SuicideWatch |
Reasons why I should die I used to be such a caring child kindhearted and the such no idea what change. I have the urge to harm other people doesn't matter who. I know how wrong it is I can definitely feel the guilt every time I have these thoughts but I just cant help it I really wish I could be kind, caring and even have anxiety again I wish my mind's first resort wouldn't be harm I just wish I was good again, I've made my best friend hate me because I was afraid I would hurt them, if this are my true feelings about other I really don't want to be alive anymore | self.SuicideWatch |
You've lost so much weight! Every single person I've reconnected with has said this exact sentence to me. I feel like my appearance defines who I am now and it's the only thing people care about. I don't think people really understand how those words can affect someone. The first thing they say is, "Wow, you've lost so much weight! How?" And every emotion I've fought so hard to keep down, comes right back up.
It should feel like a compliment and someone please tell me if I'm being unreasonable? It feels like a punch in the gut every time. I don't know what I'll do if someone says this to me again. | self.depression |
I don't deserve to be depressed Merry Christmas, all.
On paper, I got nothing to complain about. I'm living the dream, running a company, good work friends, good money. I'm traveling. I'm exercising, eating good food, sleeping without alarm.
I got no reason to be as depressed as I am. But that's the rub, innit? Depression aint rational.
It sounds kind of stupid, but a tiny part of me wishes that the rest of my life weren't so good, so that I could have an excuse, and so that I could work on improving those things instead of just sitting around with my damn thoughts.
If you're reading this, I love you | self.depression |
Dear WTF stupid head. Why did you screw your drywall into horizontal furring strips? I get it. You wanted to mount drywall onto a concrete wall. You went with furring strips instead of studs because.... reasons. But there was *NO* reason to 40' of those strips horizontally along the walls in the hallway. None. Did it not dawn on you that somebody might want to, you know, run a wire down that wall at some point?
And of course your identity is lost to the mists of time. Nobody remembers who you were those 15-20 years ago before we bought the building. We can't even smack your nose with a newspaper and yell "bad dog!" while rubbing your nose in this mess you created.
You totally suck. I hate you. I hope all of your tool batteries drain and your drill bits dull.
| self.offmychest |
Is anyone else just really insecure? I just don't like my body. No matter what I wear or do I feel like people are looking at me and judging me. Logically I know that no one gives a shit and that they probably don't even look twice at me, but I can't seem to shake that "I'm unattractive" feeling. I have no idea how to "just be confident" and it's really shitty. | self.depression |
I am 43 and back to square one financially Why Fight it any more? In the last year and a half I have lost my home of 22 years and both of my businesses (all in a farming corporation) through no fault of my own.(father CEO made bad decisions). I am living in a friends house and cant even buy Christmas. In this time I have tried to commit suicide and been diagnosed Bipolar along with the ADD and dyslexia I have fought my whole life. I fell like I am ready to just give up. Does anyone have a real reason I should keep fighting everyday? Sorry for the length. Just had to ask. | self.bipolar |
Issues with Medication I'm having some issues with my medications, and I'm doing some things I know I'm not supposed to do, but I'm at the point where I'm willing to do anything to seek relief.
I should start by saying I am in counseling with a bipolar specialist. I exercise,meditate, journal and track my moods, and I'm willing to try other things to keep the symptoms in check. I was diagnosed at 17, I'm 34 now. I've been hospitalized several times each time starting a new set of meds that work for a while, then they stop working. I've been medicated this time for two years.
The current problem is with two medications in particular, Ambien ER, and clonazepam. Ever since my divorce started six months ago the Ambien has stopped working. I've told my doc this and there seems there's nothing that can be done about it. The MAOI I'm on for depression and anxiety prevents me from taking anything else for sleep, so I've been taking two Ambien just to get some sleep. I still sleep on average 5-6 hours a night. I don't feel groggy or medicated, but if I don't take two I don't sleep at all regardless of my cycle (which as stated I've been tracking). The second issue is with my clonzaepam. I'm on 2mg 3 times a day. I take it when I wake up, at lunch, and when I finish working about 4-4:30. I've tried playing with the times I take it to see what's most effective (Doc approved). If I don't take a fourth dose, which is not approved, before bed, I wake up having panic attacks. I'm also on propranolol for anxiety, but it only works in conjunction with the clonazapam. On it's own it's basically worthless. I've tried taking it when I wake up with panic attacks and it does nothing to alleviate the symptoms. Basically the only time it works is when I drink to much coffee (I drink one scoop a day at breakfast and I'm weening myself to nothing over time. This is a substantial drop from what i was drinking, about a pot a day, but the MAOI has interactions with it so I've cut down to bellow the recommended dose.). I've even stopped most stimulants to try and control this. I was a two pack a day smoker for twenty years. I've tried quitting cold turkey, but I always go back it,so this time I'm trying vaping. I started at a high dose of 36mg, but now I'm at 20mg. I'm weaning myself off over time. I've also quit dipping. My nicotine level is much lower than it used to be and I intend to take it even lower till I'm off it altogether. I've been off smokes for three months.
I'm also on lithium ER which works great provided my dose isn't messed with. I recently had oral surgery and had to take large amounts of ibuprofen which meant I had to lower my lithium (Doc approved), but there were complications from the surgery and I had to stay on a lowered dose of lithium for to long and it start producing side affects. Eventually my Doctor (who I stay in constant contact with) told me to go off the ibuprofen, insist the dentist give me low dose narcotics, and go back on the full dose of lithium. That's a story in and of itself, but I won't go into into that now. After three weeks on my full dose the issues with the lowered dose ended and I stopped experiencing issues (mainly suicidal tendencies).
My doc doesn't like increasing my clonazapem, and only did it because last time i was in the hospital it was the only thing that proved effective. He also doesn't like messing with my Ambien. Neither have really been explained. I know I'm at the max dose of both, but without an increase the symptoms are an issue. Like life affecting issues.
I have an appointment with him this afternoon, and I'm wondering how I should bring this up, whether I should tell him I increased it on my own and found it effective, and I'm generally looking for any other options I can do to control my symptoms which are under control for the most part provided I take the unapproved doses. Aside from the bipolar I also have an anxiety disorder.
Any thoughts or idea would be appreciated. I feel I should mention that I do not get high from the either meds. The clonazepam makes me a little tired, but bearable, and the ambien doesn't produce any euphoria. Neither of them do, so this is not a an attempt to increase my doses so I can get high. There's no point in lying about this on anonymous platform.
I'm genuinely looking how to bring this up to my doc, what the repercussions are for increasing on my own, and if I should be doing anything else to keep the symptoms in check.
Thanks for any help you're willing to provide. | self.bipolar |
Parents told me I have two weeks to leave their house, I finally have nothing I hate my life as it is. I'm a complete fuck up that should of never been born. I'm a worthless pile of shit that should just go die. I can't pass college classes, I can't keep a real job. It's literally hopeless for me to ever even think about making enough money to be able to survive. No other family or friends are willing to help me, so I will be homeless. Even before this happened I wanted to die. I hate my life as it is. I'm good for nothing, I'm a selfish piece of shit that wants something I'll never be able to have. I'm good for nothing and now I'm going to be living on the street with absolutely nothing. What's the point in living for that? I honestly don't know why I shouldn't kill myself, I'm just going to die slowly anyway. | self.bipolar |
depression since 7 years old need help.. so im not 100% sure i have depression but since 7 years old i think i have had depression. so it starts when i was 7 and everyday i thought about killing myself and almost did it 2 times. so now that im 12 ( i know im young) everyday i feel like im a fat shit,ugly,dumb,worthless and that i will never become nothing and sleep under a bridge and it doesn't help that i still sound sound like a 6 year old girl like more than the usual 12 year old. and also im male but basically i feel like shit everyday and i self critise myself everyday like that and also i feel like i'll never find love and die alone and i also i suck at everything and can't do shit (atleast that's what i think) and my mom lies to me that i don't sound dumb and look ugly but i think she should just tell the truth i think everyone should well not always if you gotta save yourself. and sometimes i find myself cutting myself in class with something sharp like (sometimes) my fingernails,pencils or a sharpener blade. also i find it hard to sleep at night and easy to sleep at day (if that helps) sometimes i feel like killing myself... and back to when i was 7 i always thought about jumping out of the window from my upstairs room and back then i knew i would die and i was very aware about death and stuff, i know alot of things a (normal) twelve year old kid should't know like from deep web and somehow how to order drugs to knowing how to hide a body perfectly.. and i have friends and stuff and a family but my mom yells at me sometimes less and sometimes more for good or dumb reasons. Like when i had a friend over for the night and i had to clean i asked her where do i put this keyboard calmly and she started yelling.. sorry guys this is my first post i know im bad like always. :/ i just want to talk about my school well mostly the kids there. right now im in 6th grade and sometimes can't understand how people can't stand the truth i think it's just dumb that people also avoid the truth.. also idk if this helps but i've seen somefucked up things from death to drugs.. well drugs aren't that fucked up but bye for now.. also i wanted to also mention that when i was a baby if i cried too much my parents would put me OUTSIDE in my baby crib thing idfk what it's called and i don't any pictures of me but like 5 and my other siblings have over 30-200 both and they have some kind of baby money like it's money they got when they were babies and i don't have any.. and it seems like my parents favor my older brother and sister little bit more than me :( | self.depression |
Any unique characteristics that helps differentiate normal anger/rage due to a shitty event vs when it’s irrationally anger/rage? [deleted] | self.bipolar |
My mood is failing again. I can start to feel it slip, and then suddenly it’s as if a chasm has opened up inside of me. Just sheer emptiness and I feel so alone. I am really scared lately as I have been having suicidal thoughts. And tho I am sure I would never act on them, I know how intoxicating depression can be and how losing control isn’t far fetched when it gets really bad. Add having access to alcohol and the worry factor goes up. I don’t know what to do.. | self.depression |
I’ve got no reason to be sad, i know I don’t, but I still can’t shake this feeling. So, from an outside view my life seems good right now. Senior in high school, good grades, low stress classes, big friend group, girl that I’m talking to is beautiful and clearly into me, life SHOULD be happy for me. But for some fucking reason, every night when I try to sleep, phone off with no one to talk to, I get this feeling of self loathing and sadness I can’t shake. I tell myself how I’m gonna die alone, how no one really cares about me. How I’m a toxic person who pushes everyone who cares away. I don’t know what to do to change this. | self.depression |
Has anyone experienced Opposing thoughts / personification of voices? I am sorry this may be difficult to follow, but I could use some help understanding the workings of my mind. The title may not be correct, because I do not know how to describe these things.
Side note: I am fairly stable, and aware this may come across as crazy.
Recently I've been having thoughts come into my mind that oppose what I want to do. 10 minutes ago, I wanted to listen to music while I cooked. But, a strong urge pressed on me not to. When I debate whether or not I should listen to music, I come to the conclusion that I want to listen to music But, something in my head pierces into my mind striking me NOT to listen to music, and embrace silence. I may need to obey it, I do not know. I thought, maybe this is my psyche telling me that I need some silence in my life.
Given, this does not bring a large amount of discomfort, because these thoughts are not telling me to do anything negative. Just somewhat discomforting.
These are not visual hallucinations, just an image in my mind that seems pretty real. My actions sometimes depend on representations in my mind that personify good and evil. When I consider lying, I picture a chorus of angels/Jesus pressing on me not to. And it flashes in my mind. Not totally clear, and I am still completely aware of my surroundings. And sometimes, when I do something sinful, I picture the visual representation of a devil laughing at me.
I have had positive experiences from these mental images in the past. In times of silence and deep prayer, I had the image of a hand cradling me, I believe this was God, who I do strongly want to believe in.
Again: I see myself as stable and I could seem crazy for writing a paragraph about my dilemma of whether or not to listen to music while I cook lol. But, we are not always the best judges of ourselves. Maybe I AM crazy, but I don't really think so.
Thank you for reading this
| self.bipolar |
Ramble. I am, by all accounts, a muscular, strong, attractive man.
And yet, my aspirations have led me down a path I don't want to be on. They will, ultimately, leave me with everything I want except for happiness. This account is linked to pretty much everything I have except facebook and instagram, so only a few people know about this.
So with that said, the truth is a viable thing to place here.
I want to end my life. I do. And every day that I sit here and think about my actions and the cyclical abuse that I both endured and inflicted, the more I realize that when people have said, in the past, that I was a cancer on those around me... they were right. I spent thanksgiving alone, I didn't eat. I'll do the same for Christmas and New Years.
And you know what? I deserve it. I deserve to feel hopeless and empty. I deserve to ruin my friendships and relationships. I did my cardinal sin. I was absentee for the girl I love because I had to take care of other shit, that shouldn't have mattered as much. My significant other should have been my priority, and she's gone for good now.
And to put icing on the cake, my little sister is missing. The family won't talk about her, at all. Her friends and I have no idea where she went. That girl is my responsibility, and I failed her. I saw the cut marks on her arms, I heard her say she was going to kill herself, and I didn't get her help. I left her in the hands of her ex boyfriend because its who she wanted to be with.
And now he has no clue where she is either. So...I failed her. Just like I failed my ex. Just like I failed my family a long time ago.
Nothing that gets said at this point matters honestly. I will never get the chance to express how deeply apologetic I am for my actions to the girl I love. I will [probably] never get the chance to tell my little sister I love her again, and hold her in my arms.
So now what? I hit a windfall and I can buy a house, but why bother. What's the point. I have no one to share it with. Hell, even where I live now is a house. It stopped being a home when the person I loved left. Had she never moved out, it could have worked.
But it didn't. And it doesn't. I didn't ever love her enough, I always fell short.
So buying a house..is dumb. It's a useless point for me to do right now. Not without the person I wanted to share it with, and start a family with.
Hell. Maybe if she didn't miscarry we could have started a family. Maybe it could have worked.
Maybe I could have loved her more. | self.offmychest |
I might kill myself tommorow I only have 2 friends both of which didn't invite me anywhere. I lied to my parents that I'm going out with someone so they would leave me alone. And I just realized that tomorrow, on new year's eve, I will be alone at home. I'll hear hundreds of fireworks exploding in celebration while I sit alone and think about everything that's shit in my life. That might be enough to tip me over. I've prepared for everything except the death letters so if you don't hear from me on January 2nd, this will be something like my official last words. | self.SuicideWatch |
A girl i have been seeing just ditched me after telling her i was depressed like 36 hours ago Yeah. "I really enjoy hanging out with you."
"You're really fun." | self.depression |
The sad reality of depression You have 3 options when it comes to depression.
You can keep walking down the road your going, unhappy.
You can stop and talk to people about it. Since there is no solution, you eventually you keep moving on in life with it being even more of a pain in the ass before. Talking about it only puts the burden on the people you told. (If you even have people to talk to, it doesn't help anyway.)
Or option 3 is to stop moving completely and indefinitely.
Enjoy those thoughts I just sunk in your head. Simple way to see why we are all fucked. | self.depression |
Today is national suicide awareness day. I want to take a moment to respect the memories of those we've lost and to remind each other this is an issue we can stand together on. If you're hurting and want to end it, it's okay to reach out. If you're not finding help here or don't feel comfortable talking to us, there are other resources. r/suicidewatch for example. If you live in the US, you could also call 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or text "START" to 741-741. Additional resources can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines). It's better to call your psychiatrist at a godawful hour and ask for an early appointment than to hurt yourself and the people who love you.
If you lost someone to suicide, you might find comfort at r/suicidebereavement.
I encourage you to speak up on social media and remind people this is an issue. We aren't some gun violence policy puppet, we aren't bad people, we're people who hurt and have an illness and would like some more help. Whether you're open about your bipolar or not, I strongly encourage you to promote awareness and help prevent more tragedy and help respect the memories of those we've lost to this pain.
Stay strong fellas. | self.bipolar |
How would you describe anxiety fairly accurately to somebody who has never had it? I’ve been trying to hint and my parents that I’m not depressed (I am a little) but I’ve got really bad anxiety and I need help but it just seems to fly right over their heads I don’t know how they haven’t noticed or if they have why the haven’t said much about it they just keep asking if I’m ok every now and again that’s it. But I was thinking even if I did sit down and tell them I find it hard to put into words what’s actually going on inside the crazy head of mine. How would you describe your situation? | self.depression |
Not looking forward to thanksgiving due to my Depression, Anxiety and OCD I have no friends, just me and my parents. Going to church and lunch there and stay home! Great loneliness. My birthday is coming Dec, 2 I turn 21. Not easy looking forward to the holiday season. Feeling depressed. | self.depression |
Life has been feeling meaningless I know there are hundreds of posts like these on here but I just need somewhere to get this off of my chest. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was about 16. I’m now 22 and I feel as if I’m fighting a pointless battle. I see a therapist and am on medications that seem to help sometimes but lately I have been feeling disconnected from everything. I am still able to go about my day but at times it’s like I have been on autopilot and I snap back in to reality. When this happens I just feel empty and it seems like anything I do is meaningless because I’m just gonna end up dead in the end.
I want to say that I do have a great group of friends and a very supportive family but I just feel very lonely at night. I’ve been going to bed wishing I wouldn’t wake up. I’m in college and will hopefully be done in a year or two but I just hate the area that I live in and wish I could leave and start my life over. All I’ve been fighting for is to be happy and I don’t want to give up now but it’s just becoming exhausting and I don’t even know what I want anymore.
If anybody has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.
-A | self.depression |
I was always called a fun guy and people would want to be around me but now I just feel as if I’m a ballon filled with air and don’t even want to look my self in the mirror to see the monster that has ruined my life I don’t want to be anywhere what even the whole point of life? Pls help me | self.depression |
Im too fucking paranoid and agoraphobic to exist in this world how am i supposed to do anything | self.SuicideWatch |
Just got diagnosed As the title says I just got diagnosed bipolar, not sure what type I am yet but it's probably type 2.
I guess I'm searching for people similar to me for some guidance, and answer to some of my questions. Even if it's just to talk and share our experiences, it would help greatly!
| self.bipolar |
Divorce and enough I'm mid-50's and have had an incredible life run. I've played hard and still do, traveled the world, have a number of good friends and family, and thought I married for life.
My wife and I have had a trying few months. She's not been as communicative as previously, has been working out incessantly (at home; we have a full gym/treadmill/rower/etc).
Last night I was served with divorce papers. We discussed them when she came home, and it appears that there's no chance, peaks and valleys of life aside. I spent last night putting her to bed when she was crying, and woke up to her already gone for work without the usual goodbye. That's when I cried, and haven't really stopped since.
When is enough good enough? Right now it seems as though now is good enough. I don't think I can go through the whole process of splitting up the estate, paying the lawyers, finding another place to live, etc., etc. My living will already dictates to pull the plug if I'm not capable of surviving on my own.
At the end of the day, life's been good to me but I'm seriously looking at alternatives. No feedback really necessary but I just needed to post something. My wife is leaving for two weeks tomorrow so I'm on my own, mas o menos. Tigger is just gone, and that's probably ok in the grand scheme of things. Thanks for listening. | self.SuicideWatch |
Friendsgiving So today was friendsgiving at our favorite pizza place.I have been pushed out because I have more kids then they do. It hurts. It's not that they don't have kids. I have 3. These people were my friends in high school. More than that they were my family. I feel angry, hurt and betraied. | self.offmychest |
Why is so so hard for me to just have one real friend [deleted] | self.depression |
I eat the same food when I'm depressed that I do when I'm ill with the flu. I've been severely depressed lately and today I woke up with no appetite whatsoever, so skipped breakfast. I felt so anxious and sad that the only food I could stomach was chocolate ice cream and soup. I think it's interesting how similarly I lose my appetite during periods of physical and mental illness.
It's all in my head? My arse. | self.bipolar |
Does therapy make anyone feel less worthless? I think one of my strongest factors of my depression is the constant feeling of being worthless or not good enough. This feeling triggered by the smallest things makes me break down for hours or days at a time and I become a destructive thought-loop of feeling down on myself.
Anyone who has done or is in therapy had success with overcoming this? Or is there a part of you that always feels useless? | self.depression |
Help me. I'm depressed. I'm so tired of this roller coaster. One second I feel fine. Not perfectly, but enough to tell myself I'm not depressed, just lazy. I'm not depressed, I'm just an asshole.
I'm sitting at a desk at work, thinking why I put up with this. Why do I work at a job I don't like, when I can afford to take time off and find another.
But why would I leave this place when I don't enjoy anything else? Why go through the struggle of finding another place that's hiring, go through the interviews, learn their own politics?
Fine I'll quit and pursue my music career. But am I even that good? I don't even know why I come here. I can't even write a good post anymore. | self.depression |
New here I been having anxiety my whole life from the age of 16. I wake up feeling overwhelmed , feeling my heart beat fast . And stressing over things while at work when I know nothing wrong is gunna happen. I feel like something bad will come but when I get off work I feel completely nothing I wish I can feel like that during work , but I am strong and fight thrue the day. Thank god. | self.Anxiety |
Abilify side effects? Hello everyone my psychiatrist has recommended I switch to Abilify from Seroquel. I've taken it for the first time a couple hours ago (only 2mg pill) and I am a little concerned about the side effects I am experiencing.
I feel cold for some reason even though im wearing a sweater and im under a blanket and I feel some anxiety which has motivated me to make this post. My nose is congested and I have the irrational fear that if i fall asleep ill stop breathing. | self.bipolar |
Decision paralysis, self sabotage, and Panic = My life I've worked in the same industry for my entire adult life. I was so career focused I basically missed my twenties. While everyone else was out partying and enjoying their youth, I was working. I kept focusing on the future. Some day, all of that sacrifice would pay off.
Having kids and a family never really seemed like a possibility, so my life was my work.
On Friday, I have an interview for basically my dream job. It's final round. Me and two other candidates. The deadline for my marketing presentation is tomorrow morning at 9am. From what I've heard, I've got a pretty good shot at this.
My son turns two in February.
This job would require me to be away from home most of his waking hours. I'd be home for dinner...and weekends...(as long as there weren't events to attend)...and that's it. My life would be my work. I'd miss his childhood. Cat's in the cradle and all that...
My heart is breaking. I can't have both. I'm panicking. I'm stuck. I can't focus. I'm a wreck.
My presentation is due in 24 hours. I've had two weeks to do it. The culmination of 16 years of work.
I haven't even started... | self.Anxiety |
Infatuations when on or off meds How do infatuations develop and feel when you’re on and off meds? Are they different? | self.bipolar |
Mom doesn’t get it I’m hoping to start ECT this week, called the hospital Friday to see if they got all my paperwork and they said everything’s in check they’re just waiting to get authorization from the insurance company.
Everyone I’m close to knows about this whole thing and how it’s been impossible to find any medications that work and have mostly been supportive. People are understandably taken aback at first but then are cool with it once I tell them how great it can be.
But the one person who just doesn’t get it or, in my opinion, doesn’t even try to get it is my mom.
Today she said she thinks I’m rushing into it just like what I do with everything else *eyeroll*. She said she has no idea why anyone would want to do it or how it works and blah blah blah.
So I just told her to do some research on her own since she doesn’t want to take my word for it. Her response was, “do you really think I have time for that shit?”
After that I just kind of shut down because why bother with her?
/rant | self.bipolar |
Where to go from here? Hello guys, I am starting this topic because I have seriously been thinking of ending my life and I guess I just need some sound advice or opinions from folks who have been through it if not worse. I have tried to look at the positives and the negatives, however it seems that the negatives hold a lot more of an influence than the positives. Just to briefly go over what has been going on:
Ever since a year and a half ago, I've faced a lot of dilemmas and life just never went the way I had hoped it would. It has mainly been relating to job opportunities and living standards. I lost my job from truck driving and as I didn't have a full year of experience plus my own personal thoughts about truck driving in general, I decided not to go back to truck driving, and with that, I had a shitty CDL school to pay back, which I couldn't due to lack of money. I had to use credit to afford food and gas for my car as well as pay other bills while I was putting a lot of effort into finding a job. Ultimately I maxed out and was unable to afford anything else. I got another job at a local company with a high turnover rate, and didn't last 5 months due to them constantly putting pressure on me to get sales (it was a calling center) and I just couldn't get any most days. So I quit there, and decided to go to school to start my college education. After facing more hurdles, I was able to finish my first semester of college. I had to stay on-campus which jacked up the price. Financial aid covered almost all of the $7k, and I had to pay an additional $250-ish. I was forced to stay on campus but no classes throughout the summer because my mother moved further away with another relative and I didn't have money to afford gas back and forth. I couldn't afford another semester of college so I was able to get another job that I am currently working at now. Even working there, I was kicked out of the dorm after summer was over and I lived homeless for a week and sometimes, stayed overnight at the hospital I worked at, even though they didn't allow anyone to do so. My car decided to screw up and I had to pay with what little money I had to tow it to a local auto repair shop, which charged me even more to have it checked out. Now I am living with my relatives again further away from my job, so even with a meager income that barely lasts after gas and food and rent, I'm just anticipating my car to blow up again. With my current job, it's just another shitty, $8/hr job that expects you to do things quickly and with perfect quality despite the job conditions and the pay. I'm seriously thinking of using the rest of my money to drive far far away and kill myself with an old shotgun I have. Life is just too inconsistent and I'm always let down one way or another. I'm sick of dealing with garbage and the fact that I'm basically living to work rather than working to live. I've job-hopped quite a few times within the past 6 years, and I just have absolutely no motivation or even any awareness of what I want to do. Everything costs money, which is something I don't have. To Hell with life, it has gone to shit and opportunities are virtually non-existent.
That's how I feel, reddit. 24 year-old guy who just wants a fighting chance. | self.SuicideWatch |
I hate my job so much that sometimes I wish a car would hit me on the way to work. Throwaway for obvious reasons. I **do not** want to die, I am in **no way** suicidal but I do often think that being in a hospital bed would be 100% better than work.
I'm overworked and underpaid, it's knocked my confidence so much that I talk myself out of applying for other jobs.
I go back tomorrow after 10 days off, I feel horrendous! | self.offmychest |
Conflicted I have had severe depression for like 2 years now. I just don't ever feel super happy about stuff i used to love doing and i just get anxious at school and around other people. I began taking my dad's liquor at night last summer and did it whenever i was nervous or my depression was too out of control. Then doing it almost every night. I am now at the point where I mix it with coffee or energy drinks so i can feel confident without the other effects of it. It worked great. It solved all my social issues. But now if i go too long without alcohol, i shake a whole bunch. | self.depression |
Things might be... okay? I just started feeling this way so it could very possibly be a short term feeling but it’s the first time I’ve felt like this at all in... years.
The last few days haven’t been horrible excluding a couple hours from yesterday. And tonight for the first time in so long that I can’t remember the last time, I feel like maybe I’ll be okay.
I know it’s most likely temporary, and it’s a small thing, but to me it’s a huge thing. This is the most positive feeling I’ve had toward life since before I started becoming suicidal a bit over a year ago.
I by no means feel like I’m good right now but I just have this feeling that things might start looking up for me soon. I gave up on ever having hope again, and now here it is. | self.depression |
Being strong for 6 years... Some things about my feeling [deleted] | self.depression |
Fuck everything why the fuck
does shit suck
Why does it feel like all my blood hurts.
I hate that I want to live just as much as I want to die.
It used to be so easy. | self.bipolar |
Husband wants to divorce his disable, schizo, useless spouse... and I don't blame him. All I can think about is how much I want to die. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Is this bipolar acting up or am i right? [deleted] | self.bipolar |
I think tinder is the most depressing experience I've been through. It's fairly clear that I'm just ugly and useless at this point, I've been swiping right on just about every girl for hours on end at a time for two days now and not a single match. It's fucking sad, man. I couldn't get a date in real life so I thought that this would be the easy way out but turns out no one likes me online either. Really just wanting to stay in my room and not come out anymore. I don't love myself and it seems that no one else does too. I'm sorry if this sounded pathetic but it really hurt to put myself through. | self.depression |
At my mother-in-law's birthday party There's a loaded gun upstairs in the closet. It might be the only chance I get. Fuck, this is hard | self.SuicideWatch |
This is my rambling for the day I figure I either hide from my mind in some mindless activity or flood this electronic paper with shit. Will anyone ever read this? I don't know, maybe, who cares.
What is it about humans that makes them incapable of seeing past their own world? We seem stuck looking through only our rose colored glasses rarely realizing that everyone else's glasses are a shade off of ours.
I think I have wasted much of my life trying to the better the person everyone wants but will never be themselves. I feel like I'm the only one listening sometimes. I have lost faith in people, humanity. We are serving no purpose but to hurt one another. It's inevitable.
Today, ya I don't get how seemingly little things become monsters. Out of nowwhere, a simple gesture, a door opened to conversation in good faith becomes the demon that lurks. I suddenly feel as if it's safer in the confines of my mind, in the darkness, yes it hurts me, but I can see it coming. I don't want to talk anymore, I can't trust where my words take me. I can't trust what lay on the other side of a simple word.
I am afraid that if I move the world will bend. I am afraid if I speak the universe will shift. I can't speak, I won't speak, I will cry.
I am depressed, I am "clinically" depressed with disassociatove episodes. I am the problem, not you. So it seems, but I wonder now if my incredibly powerful emotions are a blessing. Compassion, empathy, love..... Anger, hate, hurt. I see you because I wish you would see me. I wish you could understand when I say I love you, I mean it, I feel it.
We dont see each other. My God we all want to be seen but none of us want to look. We want to label flaws and document deal breakers. We want to analyze everything into our own fears. We want people to understand our flaws and less than desirable personality traits but we sure as fuck don't want to understand yours!
We are angered by the differences in ourselves and the loved one before us without ever seeing the picture through their glasses. We are angered by people's reaction to us without understanding it was a reaction. No, instead we label it and put it on the list.
How do I interact now? How do I trust the next five minutes. What magnifying glass will be upon me today? Did I do to much? Say too little? Was I sad? Did I appear off today? How do I know? How do you know? So much unsaid answers the world's questions, but who asks them? Who answers?
I wanted to be open, I wanted to change the right way, become someone who feels like me again. I wanted to talk and understand. But I can't because the world doesn't want me, they want their vision of me. Not mine, not me.
But I am good person, my love is stronger than my anger, my compassion is stronger than my hate. I see you.... Do you see me?
I can't, I won't, make this effort any longer in life. I won't strive to see you anymore. I don't care. To those who I opened my world to for real, you hurt me. You said show me, I did, you used it against me. I don't trust you, I won't trust you with my heart and soul again, I simply can't. You stole my light, used it for yourself and refused to return it.
I'm not suicidal, but I don't want to live in this world anymore. Not the way it is. Not the way we live and treat each other. I am not a demon, I am not a bad person. I am me, no one knows me, even if your sitting next to me.
You don't see me, I'm the happy one! I am the one that lights up the office and brightens everyone day! I'm the funny one, the charismatic one. I'm the one your looking at right know thinking they are really awesome people. Why do you see that? It's not me. It's fake, for you. Don't you see?
But when I show you, me, inside, you hurt me. So I will always be the one who brightens the room, who fills the masses with joy and confidence but I will die alone, cold and tired.
"No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn"
~Jim Morrison | self.depression |
Stress/anxiety induced eczema? Hi everyone. I suffer from severe anxiety and an eating disorder and lately I’ve been breaking out all over my face whenever I feel overwhelmed. I get extremely hot and it causes my face to go super red, patchy, and itchy. It looks like a severe eczema or allergic reaction. Like I’m literally allergic to stress. Does anyone get this, or know if this is actually a thing? | self.Anxiety |
You are not a negative person, you were hurt. You are not a Debbie downer, you were hurt. You did not deserve to suffer, you were hurt. This is just a different perspective...You are not so mentally ill that your brain chemistry makes you incapable of feeling joy, you were hurt. You are not consciously choosing to be unhappy, you were hurt. | self.bipolar |
I'M SO FUCKING LONELY I have so many acquaintances, but I only want one person, one best friend. Someone I can count on and share everything with. But I just seem to suck at getting close to anyone. Let the loneliness continue I suppose. | self.depression |
The inevitable truth I am going to end my own life. I don't know when, where, or how. Like many people before I feel as though I will continue to live my life and maybe even be successful, but I will never feel happy again, that was taken from me in some way or another. I am not even sure how it happened. I might do it tonight, I might do it in 34 years. I don't know how long I will last, but I am trying my hardest. I wish I could be strong enough to not feel this way. I wish I could believe others when they tell me positive things. I make myself unattractive, I make myself fail at things. The more effort I put into something, the more disappointed I am with the results. I can't see anything positive in myself, only in others. I feel doomed to commit this attrocity. I need help. I have been reaching out, but nothing seems to make a difference for more than a few minutes at a time, now I spend all my time at the bars whether I am drinking or not. | self.SuicideWatch |
School makes me want to kill myself I hate school so much. Normally I am an A student but this year I am doing fucking terribly. I feel like a complete failure. I am so unmotivated and lazy and I sleep in class all the time.I also feel like I can’t retain information. Every night I hope that I just miraculously die in my sleep. I’d rather die than keep going to school. School just seems so endless and I’m just not cut out for it. I’m a complete idiot and I’m going to turn out to be a failure. | self.depression |
The icing on the cake I'm so done. I don't know why I even keep bothering trying. I've tried to kill myself twice now. Well I only really tried once, the second time I got dizzy and called a helpline (big mistake).
Everything has been shitty. Nothing really gets better. If it seems like it is it doesn't last. What's the point? I can't think of one.
No one likes me. Even my girlfriend is getting fed up with me. I'm just a waste. People stop talking to me, they find me annoying, or they just realize how stupid and weird I am. I'm so pathetic. Please don't say anything like "you're not pathetic". That's a lie, no one on here knows me. Literally everyone I've met says they thought I was the awkwardest person they'd ever met when I first met them. Not just one or two people but at least a dozen. Or that they think I was weird or just awkward or whatever. | self.SuicideWatch |
I don't enjoy life. Never did. I simply see no point in going out with people. They all bore me. And the social activities (shopping, eating outside, having a walk, going to a bar a club, into the city, travel) bore the hell out of me. I simply see no point in it. It feels all like a waste of time. I have to force myself to go anywhere with someone. Everything seems like a load, also college.
I suck at college, bc I feel not motivated to learn. I hate it. It bores me too much.
I am so depressed, I can barely push myself to do anything.
And the people are so fucking boring, I see no point in hanging out with them.
Something wrong with me that I cannot even enjoy traveling? Traveled with my boyfriend once to another place. God was that boring, just looking around, going to cafe's. I see no meaning in just staring at things, or eating.
Anyways, there is no other solution than suicide for me. If u don't enjoy life then what's the point?
And alone I don't want to live either.
| self.SuicideWatch |
What point? I really wish I could see a point in all of this. I’m trying to hold back not writing a shit ton because I know it’s worthless. I just don’t see any point anymore. | self.SuicideWatch |
(College) Is it better to have a roommate or live on my own? This is probably based on the individual, but I have bipolar 2 and I can't stay with my usual roommate (no problems between us I just have to get a new room in the fall) so I wanted to live in a single room by myself. But everyone thinks it's best to live with someone else because of my bad depression. I don't really see the point because when I was depressed with this past roommate I just hid it. Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice would be great! | self.bipolar |
You know what? Im fucking DONE. IM DONE. I cant deal with my mental health issues dragging me down I just want to be ok. I want to have an interest other than making art and using the internet. I have to do something, make cassettes, make youtube videos, write songs or some shit I just need to find something of substance. Im fucking over myself and I just need to get over my shit because thats what my mum wants me to do. Because obliviously this is all "fake emotions" anyway and I just need to find a way to get over my shit. | self.depression |
I’m going to beat my binge eating I’m in a dark place right now, but I’ve jumped through every obstacle in life and I’m gonna kick this one in the butt as well. I can go days with eating healthy only to snap out one time and consume a shit load of food. My weight has fluctuated up and down for years. Im gonna finally put and end to this and win, I’m too smart for this. I just want to be a little bit slim and have more confidence in myself. I’m going to have a healthier relationship with food and love my body, regardless of how much I progress in my weight loss journey. I’ve been going to the gym regularly these days but i realize that’s only half the battle. I’m going to beat this and change my mentality towards food forever. | self.offmychest |
I'm getting tired of my family ignoring me in favor of better prospects. [deleted] | self.depression |
27 years old, want to die. I've had intrusive suicidal thoughts since I was 12, when I first wished a bullet would come through the wall and release me from existence. I've had lots of therapy over years and with psychiatrists and an intensive outpatient group. I've been up and down. It feels like I know what life has to offer.
I don't want it. I had my best months earlier this year honestly. But that to me was simply fortunate circumstances. I've had numerous "realizations" where I feel flooded with what seems like an epiphany that will never fade about Oneness, interconnectedness, the good nature of humanity, etc. I've read enough inspirational self-development shit, from the Dalai Lama to PUA to Dale Carnegie. The truth is that I always come back to this suicidal state. And stay in it for months. The fact that my previous revelations never stick is to me enough evidence that I am this person who wants to die.
I'm lonely and I always have been. I've always been a loner without a social circle. I've always wanted but never had a completely unconditional love. And I always realize that no one but myself can actually do that, yet I am tired of or just too lazy to put in so much effort. It doesn't feel like a normal life should be this hard, overwhelming, and consistently disappointing. If I'm vulnerable with people they usually get bad vibes and keep a distance. I am so awkward and reek of desperation or artificiality in any conversation. I'm a very sensitive person, always have been, and I've accepted that I'm too sensitive for this life and I'd rather just die. | self.SuicideWatch |
Feel emotionally raped, nobody understands I am angry about putting every single ounce of effort I had in me into a relationship I was promised would never let me down, betray or abandon me, I thought that person I was with was with me for life. I was tricked, conned and was made to be the biggest fool who couldn't see past the lies I was told for years. Less than a month after breaking up he got with someone else and is still with them 8 months later, he told me the whole time I was with him it was just sex, he was with me out of loneliness and couldn't be bothered to find someone else, that I was easy basically and to stop telling myself the love story that it was all bullshit. That was when I asked him a few months ago what actually happened.
I genuinely thought he loved me and had my best interests at heart, he fucked me over more than anyone has in my whole life, and I don't trust peoples intentions after this who try and get close to me, my heart will not allow people in, and I don't know how to fix it. My mind is logically like this person is nice they won't fuck you over, but my heart says do not make the same mistake and is literally closed with everyone, that is what that situation has caused me, and beyond the anger is immense sadness, that I can't even describe, I am sad for myself that I believed in him and us, I am sad that I thought he was a good person, I am sad that he didn't appreciate me or see my value or worth after giving him 6 years of my life and lying to me that he did, I blame myself all the time for not seeing it and being gullible.
If I was physically locked up for 6 years and forced to have sex with this person and they told me they loved me and I was the most precious person to them, I wouldn't believe them, I would know I am a prisoner and at their mercy so would go along with it. When and if I escape or am thrown out I would be seriously traumatized but wouldn't feel the depth of pain emotionally, because I knew logically what it was. I view it as the same thing without being physically imprisoned, emotionally and mentally I was, because I fell for all his outstanding acting of how much I meant to him, how he couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else, how he couldn't wait to have a family with me in a few years, I saw my future with him, and was loyal to that for 6 years, I stood by his side through thick and thin, and to be left after 6 years of dedication is devastating truly.
Imagine workinging your ass off in a job for 6 years to get to be a manager, you are promised if you are a certain way and go above and beyond everyone else, you show your dedication you will get the position, you think it is worth it so you constantly prove yourself, show you are way more than capable through hard graft for 6 years, but you know it will all be worth it in the end and are determined to have that secure contract (just like that strong unbreakable bond and you think you are working toward) then when the boss is congratulating you on your unbelievable work the past 6 years, and says the contract is there to sign, and you think he is talking to you, he gives that to a new employee who never worked a day in the company. You are crushed, you can't work there anymore because everyday you are reminded that you are not good enough, but when you move on to work in a new company you are still at the position you were 6 years ago, but now you feel fucked over, what is the point in hard work, no matter how hard I try it fails anyway, the unfairness of what happened with you and how you were conned for 6 years of life keeps playing over and over in your head like a tape recorder, and no matter what you do you can never switch it off. That is what is going on with me.
It is way worse than job situation cause the rejection was based on a skill set, and no matter how fantastic that skill set was, the person promised the managerial position was just conned, the boss knew he was never going to be a manager, they just said that so they could use every bit of them they could for 6 years, when he had no idea that was the case. For me though, it wasn't a skill set, it was my genuine values qualities, emotions and heart being used for 6 years, I couldn't have been used at a deeper level, and I feel raped at the deepest level possible. I swore if I showed my great qualities of kindness, compassion, empathy, love, understanding, commitment, loyalty, generosity, it would all pay off in the end, it didn't, it couldn't have ended much worse, so when people say to have a relationship you have to show your good qualities, why? so they can be used again.
I don't want anyone to see my good qualities or they will see me as someone easy to be used, I feel so vulnerable and terrified by people, yet am extremely lonely cause I need to contact but I can't. Tell me you really need to move on or whatever you want, this is the most difficult situation I have ever had to move on from, and I have made progress from my severely depressed state, but nobody seems to understand what I have been through, and in fear of being seeing as this horribly negative pathetic person I keep it in, nobody wants to hear it. Even if I did tell a ton of people what happened so what, it did, talking about it isn't going to change it, I feel emotionally raped and nobody gets it. | self.offmychest |
Call center anxiety and panic attacks I recently was offered a position with a large banking company in a major market at a call center. All I do Day in and day out is take call after call helping people with their investment accounts. I should mention too that I have been dealing with social anxiety since high school, but after being out of college for about two years I was in desperate need to get out of the house and get a job.
So.., I’ve been on the phones for a couple months and everything has been going better than expected. I was nervous and not very confident about handling these clients accounts and giving them solutions, but I was doing it and my anxiety was manageable. However, things took a sharp turn a couple weeks ago... I was taking a call when a customer started getting aggravated and I immediately started freaking out and had a panic attack. I couldn’t talk, my throat felt like it was closing, i could barely breath, and my heart was absolutely pounding. Luckily, the client hung up and I could take some breathes and calm down a bit. I had to take off my headset and step away from calls for a while which you’re not supposed to do, but I had to. After i settled from the panic attack, my eyes were super sensitive to the lights in the office and my legs felt like a thousand pounds.
After having that panic attack and a couple more in the following weeks, I’m to the point where my anxiety is so bad that I’m having trouble even making it in to the office I’m the morning. When I do make it to work I have terrible anxiety pretty much the entire day! I want to quit, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to find another job if I do. I skipped work the past two days because my anxiety has gotten so bad. I got a prescription for Xanax from my doctor today which I’m not super thrilled about, but understand it’s necessary at this point. I’m also meeting with my therapist tonight which hopefully helps.
I think I’m going to quit tomorrow. I don’t really know if I’m looking for advice or if I just needed to vent, but it feels good to write this out nonetheless... | self.Anxiety |
Happiness as a moral obligation I've come to realize that being happy is just a kick in the head waiting to happen and that you are obliged to be happy so the people around you can be happy. And it is your duty as a member of the society to be happy or if you are not, to pretend that you are. But honestly, I'm so done. I go out with people sometimes and it just drains me. The more I laugh and smile the more tired and sleepy I get. Family, friends, teachers, everyone is telling me they trust me and they believe in me. It's the last thing I want to hear, people trusting me. All my life I've been a screw-up. Nothing fucking worked. Girlfriend gone, friends gone, school hates me now. All I had was pretending to be happy and that everything is ok. I can't do that anymore. I want to be gone so goddamn much and I was about to do it. I took my pocket knife and I cut my hands. The next target were my veins and I had the picture in my head, me striking my arms violently and blood shooting everywhere. And I just couldn't do it. I threw my knife on my desk and just stood there crying in my room. I knew that if i kept holding it I would do it. I'm so terrified of myself now. How can I go to school like this, how will I ever look my friends in the eye after this. | self.SuicideWatch |
Roughly marks a year of being diagnosed, share some tunes! [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Apparently 2018 Starts With A Nightmare Client From Years Ago Always amazing how clients pop back up years later. Unfortunately it looks like 2018 starts up with my nightmare client from college six years ago who couldn't understand scope, or boundaries really. Lots of work that went unpaid since he expected someone else to flip the bill.
So it turns out I'm getting a request to migrate a website somewhere free since they don't want to pay for it anymore (including not wanting to pay the domain). Since I already got paid once I can do this for free then (their words)... oui. Best I could figure is just responding back that I'm not taking new work and point them to wix since they don't seem to be using it anyway. Bad memories oui, hopefully the guy doesn't try to push this thing.
| self.offmychest |
I just really need someone to talk to tonight Tonight and this week and this month have been utter hell and I'm not a in a good place and just need a friendly anonymous person to talk to. If anyone's willing to help I'd love you for it. If not oh well. | self.depression |
“Too much” Backstory: best friend was this girl I knew for a year, asked her out and got turned down. Went on to date another girl for over a year, eventually broke up with her because I felt like I was toxic to her. She made all my friends hate me soon after. However, the girl from years ago, “A”, was there for me. We hooked up when I got back from vacation, and eventually started dating. She spent 5 straight months telling me she loved me, but wanted me to open up more. So when 2018 came around I made it my resolution to open up to her. So I did. Thursday night I told her all about my anxiety issues and how I’ve been fighting depression ever since all my friends turned on me and how I’ve barely been hanging on to life itself. Friday night I get a “we need to talk text” and I go to her house, and she says that I’m “too much” and we don’t “see eye to eye on all of my issues.”
I’m too much. Even for the one person who stuck with me through what was at the time the worst part of my life. I open up to the one who I thought loved me as much as I did her, and end up getting left in the dirt for it. I’m done. I’m too much for her. I’m too much for anyone.
This is on r/suicidewatch but idk if I am going to do anything or not. Just need someone to listen. Anyone at this point. | self.SuicideWatch |
For how long do your phases of normal mood usually last? | self.bipolar |
Barely holding on I’m struggling right now not to take a knife to my wrists. I haven’t been happy in a long time, but these past few weeks are just too much for me to handle. A little back story about my pathetic, miserable life. I’m 33 years old, wasted 12 years of my life at a dead end job and have never even been given a shot with a woman. About 2 years ago, I left that job and got a new job that I was excelling at. Or at least I thought I was. About 3 week ago, I was declined from a promotion due to reasons that made no sense. That had me upset for a little, but I got over it and was still trying to work hard for the next time there was an opening. When I got this job 2 years ago, I also met a girl. As I said, no woman has ever even given me a chance, so I wasn’t trying to be with her and we became great friends. Last November, i realized that I had feelings for her, but she had a boyfriend at the time so I left her alone. I wouldn’t want to put her in that uncomfortable position. It turns out that the guy was a real piece of shit and treated her very poorly. They broke up about a month ago and she turned to me to vent about the situation. We had been spending a lot of time together recently, even hanging out in her apartment. We went out to dinner on Thursday and I guess I was on a natural high yesterday morning when I decided to tell her how I felt about her. Of course, she said she appreciates my friendship and considers me to be like family, but she doesn’t see me like that. That hurt a lot. I have never had any alcohol in my life until yesterday. I have been laying on my living room floor for the past 2 days wondering if I want to continue my sad existence. I have never felt so alone or so much like a loser than I do right now. I’ve asks women out at bars, I’ve tried online dating and now I’ve even tried to become friends first, yet I still can’t even get a chance. I’m at a crossroads right now where I can continue this shitty life and be alone for however long the rest of my life is going to be or I can take my own fate into my hands for once and go out on my own terms. | self.SuicideWatch |
Really considering suiciding over my lack of social connections, feeling alone and helpless. I'm 29, never had a true relationship, never had sex, unemployed even if I have a degree, lived pretty much in isolation from 20 to now, only had 1 friend I don't even go out with anymore.
The worst thing is not even my situation, it's the fact that I don't know how to get out of it.
I go out and see couples, people socializing and having friends, meeting people while I can't figure out where to make friends since I have no hobbies or even a job.
The only thing keeping me alive is the hope to change this situation, I keep myself groomed, I diet and lift and I'm above average looking. But what's the point when I don't go out or I don't know where to meet people? Especially in the winter. Where am I supposed to find a partner?
I'm going out only maybe 4-5 times a month right now, what's the point of going out when I can't connect with people and form friendships? Just today I went out in a public place full of young people and now I feel even worse: seeing what i could have but I don't, made me want to kill myself once and for all.
I feel old, alone and done. I feel I lost my best years, never experienced happiness and rejected by life.
I feel so close to getting finally happiness but yet so far. I don't ask much, I just want a partner I like and a social life. I feel stupid for wanting to kill myself over something that appears so easy to get for most of the people, but incredibly hard to get for me.
| self.SuicideWatch |
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