text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
I thought I was getting better I apologise for the long post but I need to get this off my chest.
I really thought I was getting better. Ive gone through so many low points and always came out of them. I always did so with the help of my family and best friend, J. Me and J are no longer friends anymore. We haven't been since the end of July. I won't get into specifics but we used to dated briefly and ended it amicably two years ago because we realized we were just best friends and our friendship worked better that way. Over the past two years, my depression got worse and he always helped me through it. Not like it was his job, but because he cared about me. But, he was emotionally abusive about it. He would try to control how I felt and tell me how I should and shouldn't feel and react to certain things. That was the big thing. I did some things wrong to, I'll admit. And at the end of July, I blew up on J because of how he was treating me and told him he needs to stop. And he said he didn't want to be friends anymore. I was blindsided because we always got through our little spats (but in all honesty, it was an unhealthy friendship but he was my best friend). That was the last thing he ever said to me and I have never had closure.
Since then, I vowed to get better. And I thought I was. I went back to college and started the semester strong. I only have a few friends here, but that's okay. I love my major and I'm involved in research and the dairy show team. I thought I had finally made something of myself and was going to be alright. Then I went home for Thanksgiving and everything went downhill.
I saw that J was with some people that I used to be friends with. These people treated me like absolute shit and always had one excuse after another for their actions and last year I cut them out of my life because they weren't making me happy. It was hard to do because it meant only having one friend not including J at home but it wasn't worth the emotional rollercoaster. These friends called me their best friend and would make plans with me and then not show up and hang out with other people and post about it on social media and then tell me they forgot. My favorite one was one of them ignored me all summer but would hang out with other people and when I confronted her about it, she said "I had a wart on my hand". I don't even know. I wish I had knew what was going through her head when she said that.
Don't get me wrong, I hate these people, but seeing them all together and happy while I was at home by myself hurt. These people at one point said they cared about me. And they definitely know they hurt me. That I know because I have told them. It hurts even more that J thinks that these other people have never done anything wrong and always told me I was the problem. I am one to admit when I do something wrong. Like with me and J's friendship. I would always admit when I was at fault for something before he had the chance to call me out because I am very hyper aware of my actions and how they effect others because of my family (that's another story lol). And I genuinely have done nothing wrong besides try to be nice to these people. Just seeing them all happy is what hurt.
And to top it off, J recently got a new girlfriend and she posted a picture on Facebook for his birthday (she looks like me and that's weird in itself ). That's how I found out about her. Old feelings popped back up and while that's not even the real problem, it's that it kills me to see that he is so happy and doesn't care that he hurt me. After he he told me he didn't want to be friends with me, I wanted to kill myself (I have no suicidal thoughts anymore). My mom begged him to at least talk to me and give me some kind of closure. Anything. Just something to help me. He said don't talk to me. I just feel this giant pit in my stomach whenever I think about how happy he is. How can someone just end a friendship with their best friend like that and feel nothing and go on being so happy? My only other friend that knows him says he's cold-hearted and this girl will find out soon enough and I believe it but it still pains me to see him happy. It honestly only partially to do with the girlfriend. I haven't really seen any pictures of him on social media until now and I saw all of these at once of him looking so happy and it just got me going. The girlfriend part I can deal with. It's just the overall happiness part. He destroyed my happiness so many times and gets to go on carefree. I know I need to move on, but it's hard. I know not many people agree with this philosophy, but I just don't think that people who hurt other people should be happy. And that's what makes this all even worse.
I've done some thinking the past few days about the past four months and to be honest, I thought I was fine. I thought I had more friends than I did. I don't need a lot of friends. But I only really have two good friends and then a few others here and there. I'm a shy person, I'll admit. But I thought I was happy the easiest was and I don't feel happy anymore. I do practically nothing on the weekends. I go to class, come home, do my homework, take care of my dog, and sleep. I have no hobbies. I feel like I have no purpose and I'm not happy. I thought I was but I feel like I'm going through the motions. I just don't know what to do. I also want closure, but that's something I will probably never get.
I don't really have a question, so I guess I want someone to talk to about this if you've made it this far.
|
self.depression
|
How do you tell a friend that you are having suicidal thoughts? I’ve been having them a lot the past few days now, but right now they are mostly passive. However they are getting more intense as well. I had asked a friend if I could talk to him about it due to making a safety plan. He said that I could, but I have no idea how. I feel like it would be a burden on him.
Should I open up to him? If so, how? I’m so lost right now.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I can't go on I feel like my depression, anxiety and whatever else is really getting to me. I am tired of dealing with my aging parents. My mom is driving me insane. They wanting to put my dad in an assisted living place. My mom can't handle his care no more. Now she has gone crazy. She telling me today she got cancer. I dont believe her. She is worried she will die alone since my dad will be leaving. I live over a 14 hr drive away and am stuck here. I have 2 autistic kids that need me. I don't know what to do. I feel useless and worthless. Everyone would be better off without me. I honestly don't know why I am here. I am thinking about what would anyone do when I am gone. Mostly trying to find reason to stay. I cant think of anything. I am so tired of feeling pain.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
[Possible TW] I don't know what to do or why this keeps happening. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Alright, I'm going up despite being on top of my meds. What? I feel like I'm spamming this sub, but here goes:
Yesterday I posted about how I was super stable and a bunch of people commented that it was actually probably mania creeping up and I think they were right. I'm going up despite being religious about taking my medication. I know this can happen, but I didn't think it would be my case. I feel like I could run a marathon or two and I'm so fucking happy and everything feels good to touch. I have a guitar lesson in a bit, and I'm kind of worried that I'll appear to be on drugs.
It's so weird how mania can creep up on us without us knowing. I need to be more vigilant of warning signs, but unfortunately it's really difficult.
Again, I'm sorry if this is kind of spammy and unimportant but I feel like I need to get it out there.
Does anyone else get this thing where when they're manic they need to tell the WHOLE WORLD so? Because I get it really bad and I need to stop. It's going to screw me over one day.
Anyway, that's it for now. Just checking in.
|
self.bipolar
|
Don't care to live, don't dare to die I'm 29 years old, single, I have two degrees and despite that I'm stuck waiting tables for a shit pay. I've isolated myself from my friends and watch everyone around me surpass me in every way possible. I barely have money to pay for my food and rent. And in top of that, I lack money to pay for parking tickets ... for a car that I don''t have anymore, because it was to shitty to drive at the end. I moved four months ago and still can't afford furniture. My neighbour is a psycho who screams at random sometimes, scaring me. And at work I geht yelled at by bitchy managers and treated with condescension by guests. I don't get pleasure out of sex anymore and don't care to date anymore. I've sent out a lot of applications but can't get a decent job. And more offen than not I find comfort in alcohol.
I've tried many things to improve my position, to find a meaningful work, friends, love. But the world is uncaring, the people around me are indifferent to how I feel. There is no place for me in this world. No home. No one who needs me or relies on me. I'm lost. And no matter how hard I try to find a way to build a better life, things turn to shitat the end.
I'm done struggling and I'm done trying. I'm tired of this miserable shit life and I just want to end the pain of it. I see no point in going on.
But I have to.
Not for me. But for everyone who would be hurt by my death. I tried talking to my family about suicide today. I wish there was a way to prepare them, to warn them, to say goodbye properly. I wish there was a way to end my pain without petting others suffer. I don't want anyone to suffer because of me. But there is none. And since I can't let anyone suffer because of me, I have to go on ith this shit life. That I hate and that seemingly can't be fixed no matter how hard I try. It's scary really. When living on becomes your duty. A duty you owe to other people...
And so I'm stuck with the duty of continuing living. I'm scared of the misery that lies ahead. The misery I have to endure. That I'm not allowed to escape. Can someone bloody kill me now?
I don't care if someone reads this, if someone does or does not bother to answer. I had to get it out somehow.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Friend believes that she is supposed to be dead. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I just want to vent a little, sorry for this. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I lost my best friend My best friend and I have been having some problems. She has always been very jealous of other friends, and would pick fights with anyone I got too close to. She is very temperamental and would sometimes stop talking to me altogether and give me no explanation to it at all.
Ever since I started dating my now boyfriend, my friend has complained that I don't give her enough attention and that I have been neglecting our friendship.
We do speak every 2 days, and see each other at least once avery two weeks or so.
Well, for the past month or so my friend has had a series of very important and very determining tests. She obviously is very nervous about it. I have texted her and asked her out several times, but she either didn't answer or would blow me off.
Yesterday she had her most important test. I texted her to see how it went and she said she failed and was very upset about it. When I said that if she needed anything I would be there for her, she said she needed me before and now was too late. She won't answer anything anymore.
I am just so tired. I am exausted of this friendship. I love her, but I feel like I always have to do exactly as she wants or else its not good enough. I am so sad. I feel like our friendship of 7 years is coming to an end and I really didn't want that to happen like this.
Edit: format
|
self.offmychest
|
Failure checking in I'm 25 with no hopes dreams or aspirations. Should I know what I want to do with my life by now? I've never held a job longer than a few weeks, never learned how to drive or held a learners permit. I have no marketable skills I can't retain new information in example, hearing the same explanation over and over and failing to comprehend instructions. Was diagnosed with severe adult adhd a couple years ago. I can't take any anti depressants because they make me suicidal and adhd meds are a no go because of my bad heart. Have tried to get disability but haven't worked a job longer than a few weeks. If that's not bad enough I developed grand mal epilepsy a couple years ago and on average I now have 20-30 seizures a week. I've tried working recently and found out it's just not for me. Long hours of manual labor, factory and distribution work are all I am qualified for and I can't even work like that anymore. I couldn't even swing a part time gig at a telemarketing job. If it wasn't for my parents I'd be dead. Volunteer agencies don't even like me. I even had my local volunteer place inquiry as to whether or not I had even actually worked a day in my life. Longest I can remember having an active bank account in my name with atleast 30 dollars was like two years ago. I personally don't feel like I have a place in society. Never did, nor do I have any interest in it. What's it like to feel purposeful? To be responsible? Because one little insignificance and I throw it all in. Done trying. Just wanted to know what it's like actually looking forward instead of being surrounded by painful reminders of ineptitude
|
self.depression
|
Tired of roughing it alone! I’m 28, have had numerous relationships all of them short term except my first (5+ years). No one seems to want to stick around, and I have like one friend, but he doesn’t get it. My heart aches with the loneliness. I just can’t even...Maybe I’m just unlovable. Which makes the wounds all the deeper.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Goodbye everyone 30. Male. 3 kids to two failed relationships. Even with my kids i have nothing to live for anymore. Bye
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Don't even know what to do or say but I have to. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
How to get professional help if I don’t have insurance? Title. I don’t have insurance and I’m having some not so good times, I want to seek help but I have no idea where to go or start. I do not have insurance and I’m currently unemployed, so I cannot afford insurance to begin with.
I’m stuck.
|
self.depression
|
i am really inclined to kill myself hi. i am really inclined to kill myself because of vast evidence of reincarnation and other lives and stuff like that. i probably will some time soon tbh, but idk. i just kind of wanted to tell somebody. i have health issues that i'm pretty unhappy with right now so this is my reasoning. just let me know your opinions i guess.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Thank you! Hello there, I just wanted to say a big "thanks" to the people here. I am currently struggeling with total loss of interest, I feel like I am distancing from those I care about. I am way behinde with writing my bachelors thesis and finishing my studies, as with my duties at work. Sometimes, I just feel like I am dissapointing anyone out there.
Yet, for some strange reason, coming here and just reading through posts somehow makes me feel better. I am sorry that I have not responded to any of the toppics I've read, even though I often felt like I should - I did not find the energy or courage to do so. Thank you all for sharing, thank you all for caring.
|
self.depression
|
I'm thinking about leaving my wife to make her life better. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Toss a coin One thing I've noticed about having anxiety is that making the smallest of decisions can sometimes paralyse me with fears and indecisiveness. Of course, this isn't a healthy way to live life and I've adopted a classic solution which I thought I would share with this subreddit: the good ol' coin toss.
If I need to make a decision, and I'm still ambivalent after 30 seconds, I get a coin and I toss it. Heads = yes, tails = no. It saves me so much worry. No pondering hypothetical situations. Whatever the result, I stick to it and commit to the consequences. **It's better to do the wrong thing, than to sit there for hours doing nothing.**
|
self.Anxiety
|
Handwriting When Manic Do you guys notice a difference in your handwriting between your moods? I just realized recently that my handwriting while manic looks like the generic crazy person scribles, like barely legible.
|
self.bipolar
|
I've started drafting a final goodbye letter Hey y'all hope you're doing alright.
I relapsed in cutting, so it's back to long sleeves for a bit, but I only have 2 days left of classes which will be really nice. I've been smoking 4-5 times a day now and drinking at night pretty much everyday. I've smoked 6gs in the last 3 days. Everytime I drink I end up cutting and my friends have begun to get really upset at my smoking habits. They've started to separate from me because "I've been fucking up", but I don't think I have. My grades are great, I just like to smoke a lot. I have a beautiful spot to smoke at, and I spend hours there listening to music and smoking and its really nice. It' s a popular spot on campus too, so I run into other people all the time which can be nice.
I usually like to plan out how I kill myself, like the location, what I'll be listening to, etc. I used to want to end my life in a field by my house, but now I've changed to my new smoke spot, because its so fucking gorgeous. I'll probably be listening to [Maggot Brain by Funkadelic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOKn33-q4Ao) when I do it as well.
I'd be happy to chat with some of you guys for a bit :)
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
After years of being rejected by everybody all I can think about is killing myself Honestly it sucks because I really feel replaced every time I meet somebody new. And it's always the same stuff or deal. I just don't want to keep living like this. I want to find hope or just some reassurance that everything will be alright.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
doctor's appointment? Helu all,
I am a 21 year old electrical engineering student in university. When i had initially started school, I was crazy anxious. I wasn't able to go to class, and only took certain hallways to walk to class because of a lot of things I was dealing with. In short, I failed a couple of classes.
Earlier this week is when I realized I had a problem, I knew that having anxiety was going to be in the way of getting my degree. Each day it was something different. I booked an appointment with my doctor and this is going to be the first time I tell a doctor I have anxiety. First of all...what do i even tell him? Do i just dump all of my problems on him at once? I can't think of any other way. I just want to be able to live a normal life again.
|
self.Anxiety
|
First time talking about my depression Recently I told my friend about my depression and although he tried to be supportive, he just doesn’t get it. He said that when he gets sad he just goes for a walk and that it always helps him clear his mind. But obviously being sad and depressed are two very different things. Does anyone else struggle with explaining your depression to others who don’t have it?
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I've tried everything and still can't find a pill that helps my anxiety Medications that I have tried in no particular order, over the span of four years:
Adderall XR, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall IR, Strattera (currently taking), Vyvanse, Lexapro, Anafranil (currently taking), Intuniv, Catapres, Tenex, Risperdal, Seroquel (currently taking), Abilify, Lamictal, Neurontin, Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Buspar, Klonopin, Requip, Lyrica, Geodon
and im still a person who cannot function because of my severe ADHD and debilitating anxiety. What im taking right now helps but ive tried everything and still not enough. Is there anything I can try before I give up on my dreams?
|
self.Anxiety
|
What's wrong with me wanting to date out of my race I told this guy I like white guys and he said I need to step out of my comfort zone and date different guys. Well technically I am by wanting to date out of my race. I'm not even attracted to guys in my race.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel like I’ve cycled through all of my emotions in one day... [rant] I’ve been in a depressed state the past few days, woke up in the same slump this morning. I was supposed to adopt a dog today, and even got off work early to get her. I arrived at the place only to be let down. During the 45 minute drive I was so thrilled, I was talking a mile a minute. Then I got there, this little pup who they even let me meet was already pending an adoption with someone else. I was so enraged, I stormed out. I feel regretful now for acting like such an asshole. During the 45 minute drive home, I hit 100mph on the highway and the thought crossed my mind, “it would be an instant death if I ran my car into the median”. I haven’t had a suicidal moment like that in so long (thanks medication!). Only to get back home, to sit back down into my depressive state of mind. What a fucking ride. I feel like I’m at my limit. I was just so excited and to be let down like that crushed me.
|
self.bipolar
|
What has been your experience with mental health services? How involved did you get?
I've done:
Individual therapy, group therapy, med management, adult day support, case management.
I felt I benefited from these services. But I'm wondering how others may have fared.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm sad. I'm always sad. I've never really spoken to anyone about my depression, or sadness, or whatever you want to call it. Not seriously, anyways. Maybe writing will help.
I feel like I do a good job of hiding it. Smiling, laughing, but constantly on the verge of tears. I joke about it with friends, too.
"I wanna die lol"
Maybe joking.
I don't know why I feel this way. I have friends and family that care for me, enough money to not be struggling, a job, and I'm in school, getting an education. So why? All of this just seems to make it worse. I have all these things. I have this privilege. I should feel grateful, but all I feel is sadness and numbness. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. It's a vicious cycle.
And it's all I can do to distract myself from these feelings with music, video games, stupid memes, and trying to sleep my days away. These are all just bandaids. A 5 week long strike just ended at my college, and I couldn't even get myself out of bed for my class. I've been neglecting meals, sleeping 14 hours a day, procrastinating on work...
I'm losing my passion for life, if there's any left. I do think about it. It scares me, but it's always in the back of my mind. As soon as those thoughts creep to the front, I think about the pain. The pain it would bring to those close to me, and any physical pain to myself. I'm scared to hurt myself, but I wish I wasn't here anymore. It'd make things easier.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. I don't really expect much of response. I just figured writing something down might be therapeutic. Maybe if any of you have been where I am, you know the way out.
|
self.offmychest
|
College essays It’s about the end of the first semester in my senior year, which means I need to start working on college essays. Looking back, the only thing I can think to talk about is depression/anhedonia and how it has changed me, for better and for worse.
Many recommend talking with your english teachers and parents about your essay, but I don’t know if I’d be totally comfortable doing that, or if it’s even a good idea to have that as my topic.
|
self.depression
|
I'm a burden to my family and everyone. I can't do anything right. I'm always disappointing people. I'm always feeling hopeless. I'm such a failure. Im just... Nothing. Ive always done things half-assedly. Just doing things because i have to. Im not smart. Im always causing trouble. My brothers and sister had excellent grades. They went to good college and uni. And everytime i see them in this house, it hurts so much but i had to bury that feeling inside. Im prettt sure they hate me but just tryna hide it and put up with me. Why can't i just be like them? Why am i the only one left out? Why do I have to burden everyone. Im in college but i just dont feel like going. I don't think i can finish my studies. I don't have motivation to do anything anymore. I feel so empty inside and superficial. Im starting to think why do I exist.
|
self.depression
|
Everything's just been hard to deal with lately... I don't really know how to start this, since I'm kind of new to this subreddit, and reddit in general, but I guess I'll try to say this all without embarrassing myself or something of the sort.
Lately, I've just been having a tough time, especially since it's the last week before exams in my school. I don't feel any pressure to be doing well at studies anymore, but I do have one friend who *does,* and occasionally, he'll ask for space or something during stressful times so that he doesn't end up lashing out at me, but now, it's just making me feel incredibly lonely. I hate having to watch everyone else give hugs and stuff and just have a good time with their friends while I just keep having to give my friend space. I get that we put this in place to avoid having feelings hurt, but now it just feels... restrictive? It's all kind of hard to describe coherently, and my mind feels all jumbled up, tbh. I just really want a hug at this point so i can stop feeling... well, lonely...
|
self.depression
|
It's Christmas and I just want to die I feel like shit and I just want to stop from existing.
|
self.offmychest
|
Anxiety Behaviors Hello! Do you happen to know anyone who’s suffering from anxiety? I’m currently working on a research to better understand anxiety and the online behaviors of individuals suffering from it. If you happen to know one, don’t hesitate to message me, Thank you!
|
self.Anxiety
|
What is your diet like? My therapist suggested cutting carbs.
I went gluten free in hopes of gaining weight. She was stoked. Well, I haven't gained weight and I literally feel no benefits, so I went back to gluten and omg the pain. I thought I could still get away with small stuff like soy sauce and stuff but even those micro amounts cause trouble.
I'm pissed off about it but at least purchasing such items has become super easy.
My therapist has pamphlets in the waiting room about beans. I haven't upped my in take yet but I want to.
I'm 30 and still suck at cooking. I've got plenty of excuses as to why, but recently it's meal planning that really holds me back. I want to learn how to do a weeks shopping of items that are versatile to make multiple dishes during the week.
Anyway, everyone's saying I should try cutting out dairy. I'm not into the idea of eliminating anything more. I want to gain weight for fucks sake. My half sister just found out she's allergic to dairy, tho... There's times I want to go vegetarian, too, for many reasons. I have a five year old, tho. We don't eat meat often but I feel it's important to get into her diet. I still buy her bread and regular pasta.
Anyway! Got lost on my point!!
TIL (is that the right thing?) ::; Does any of your mental health providers talk about diet with you? Does what you eat help your mood?
|
self.bipolar
|
Feeling lonely and would love to hear about why you feel depressed and I’ll tell how I feel The title says it all. Just pm me if you’re interested
|
self.depression
|
Problem at school I'm a grade 11 student in high school. I have a psychology class and every Friday we do this thing called Socratic seminars in which we sit in a circle and discuss some stuff about an article we had to read the night before. My teacher said talking in the discussion is a big chunk of our grade. We've had 5 of these seminars so far I've missed 3 and haven't talked in 2 cause of my anxiety. I only have 2-3 friends in that class and everyone else I don't know. I don't know what I should do. I definitely don't wanna talk in the class.
|
self.Anxiety
|
What is a moveable lump and how do u know if a lump is? Cancer worry I know that if a lump is moveable its less likely to be cancer. I think mine is but im not sure, im worried. The lump is flat on top red its gone down over the past week it isint as hard not painful unless i squeeze it. Its nor deep under the skin it like i can pinch it and pick it up doesnt feel attached to the area its on.But i dont think it "changes shape or moves when you touch it" as i read.
Is this lump moveable? Any advice?
{EDIT: i shaved the bumb as i wanted to see if it was an ingrown hair probs a bad idea as now theres a small dry patch i usually get when i shave the area down there, but of course im convinced its cancer}
|
self.Anxiety
|
my new year's resolution for 2017 was to kill myself before the year is over well fuck me, guess i failed even at that
|
self.depression
|
Working on the final draft of my suicide letter I'm seriously not looking for any support or PMs, just want help with format and errors please
My First and Last Letter: The History of my Depression
Sorry to my friends and family, and whoever ends up reading this. This is my first and last letter, a story of my depression. I tried to fight it no avail, and it's something it's something that has haunted me for over 10 years. I don't know why but it all started when my grandparents and I moved into my aunts household. While I may have looked like boy in 6th grade that was simply obsessed with playing video games all day instead of eating or communicating much with my family, I was trying to escape the sadness that existed in my mind. Everything was twisted from there, and I was already thinking and researching ways to commit suicide in the most painless and least gruesome way possible. I was confused and clueless as to why I felt so worthless and unloved, when I was surrounded by people that cared for me. There was only teacher in middle school that saw something odd about me and asked if I was alright. That year was the last year that I ever had any good grades in school, and then came a downward spiral of hopelessness. I never had a father figure or anyone that taught me how to be a man, or a strong, independent individual.. But I felt like needed to be, and I never really understood that it was okay to ask for help. I kept everything to myself, and I lied about my grades and report cards. In 7th grade my aunt picked me up from school and asked me how I got cuts on my forearm, I told her that I got scratched from the fence playing tennis. I cut myself. I cut myself because I felt and truly believed that all I ever deserved was pain.
By the time high school came along I still had no aspirations or any dream careers while all my friends were thinking about college. Instead I was doing drugs to escape my reality. I always told myself that I would kill myself after my grandparents passed away. I eventually wanted to join the Navy and try to discover myself and start my life over, but that was not an option for my family. That was the one thing that I was slightly ever interested in, but instead there was only heavy pressure and emphasis on going to college and getting a good job. How could I do that when I didn't care for it? I kept failing and failing and there was still only pressure to go to college and get a degree like this person or that person. My whole life I've been compared to random successful people and relatives. I barely graduated from highschool. So I didn't join the Navy and went to community college, I failed miserably, and eventually dropped out. I have no blame for any one person, but for the Asian culture and upbringing itself that mental illness doesn't exist and that education is the only way to success and happiness.
When I reached out to friends and family I was only shot down. "You can't be sad". "You have no reason to be sad". "You're too young to be sad". "Just get a good job and make money you won't be sad". I wish that everyone that I've told just accepted that I was sad, and even more that I needed help and support. One of my friends brought me to church and I thought I found hope but I didn't understand why I was still depressed. Church was good and fun for the years that it lasted but it wasn't enough to save me from myself. Then there were people that spoke like they had a magical cure that said "just don't think about it" or "just read the bible and pray". I never needed anyone to understand my pain or try to fix it, I just wanted someone to be there. I wanted to be happy, but my soul was tired. In college one of my psychology professors noticed that I failed to turn in my final research paper. She gave me a chance to turn it in late for most of the credits and to possibly talk about it after class. I rejected both offers. I want to stress the importance of reaching out and offering proper help towards those in need. I reached out to her after finding out that she also one of the counselors at the school hoping to talk about my depression. I couldn't get any service because I stopped attending but she led me to a mental health clinic in the area. I was on Zoloft for a while and I had to double my dosage eventually. It was actually alright and I was doing better until I felt comfortable enough to share my suicidal thoughts with my therapist. She took it like I was possibly a danger to myself and made it aware to me that some people might be sent over to evaluate me and that I might be held until I was stable under drugs. I felt betrayed and I was beyond angry and frustrated. How can I get help with the thoughts in my head without speaking about them? I'm sure she was either an intern or just highly inexperienced, as it was a low-cost/free clinic. That was my first experience with a therapist and it left a very bad impression. I never came back and I dropped the medication and sessions.
Videos games and fishing were good distractions, along with all the other hobbies that I found like thrifting. Those were the only things I was able to enjoy in solitude, other than that I hated being alone. Working helped too, but they were just that. Never a means to a solution. By this time I have also given up all drugs and smoking to no benefit. How can I be so young yet my soul, mind, and body be so tired? I could never put the pieces of my life together. I've been called selfish in the past for having suicidal thoughts, and there's a good chance that whoever reads this will think I was selfish in thought or action. I want you to have an open mind. I fear death just like everyone else, if not more because death knocks on my door every single day. Do you know what it feels like to wake up every day wanting to die? To have thoughts of worthlessness pounded into your existence for years and years coming from your own mind? To not have any energy to do simple things like get out of bed, shower, brush your teeth? During the time of writing this letter I have been struggling with insomnia and lack of appetite as well. These seem like trivial things but there's symptoms of mental illness in many forms, and they were mostly undiscovered because it either wasn't hard to hide or people were not properly informed on how to approach my situation. How can people help if they have no idea what it could look like? How can they reach out without aggravating or increasing the risk? Days have passed like clockwork and after many years of rejecting suicide as an escape it has sadly come to life.
I hope whoever reads this understands that I tried to live a normal life despite everything going on in my head. I hope you know that I chose to be vulnerable about my depression even after my trust in people was broken. I hope you realize that I truly believe in my head and heart that I've exhausted all of my options, and that I see no other escape from this but in death. I can't wait any longer for some terrible disease or curse to strike me, or for God to take my life away. I hope that this letter raises awareness of mental illness and the importance of observing the growth, behaviors, and symptoms of the mind, especially in children. I was depressed and I had many reasons to be. In the same vein I had little reason to be depressed. My thought is that external and also internal factors resulted in depression being a part of my being.
It's a selfish request but I would not like any Christian or Buddhist ceremonies or speeches, for in death or life I am neither. If perhaps there is the chance that I end up in a braid-dead state I request that all life support be cut off immediately. I don't want to live any longer or to end up in the same condition as my grandfather in his last days. My only wish is that if my brain is in good enough condition for it to be donated to science to hopefully further the research and treatment of brain disorders, if not I would like my remains to be cremated and laid to rest. I'm sure that would bring my soul great peace. It's the one thing I've yearned for my entire life but was not able to grasp. I didn't want to bring anyone pain, especially my family and close friends, but I could not bear this any longer. I chose not to go back to drugs or anything because it is only a vicious cycle with no end, and I don't want anyone to think that drugs or any addictions were the cause of my suicide. It was depression and depression alone. I'm sorry for whoever finds my body in the state that it may be in, as I would opt to simply disappear if I could than to share any part of the pain and hurt I have suffered. I thought that I could just hold everything in and hope that things would sort itself out eventually. I reached out for help the best that I could. I can't bear the pressures of life any longer. I'm sorry I was not the greatest grandchild or nephew. My shame I seal to the grave, but I hope that I was able to paint a clearer picture of the chaos, bitterness, and sadness that was my life. If I could sum my life up in one sentence it would be this:
I never wanted to die, yet I've always wanted to die.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Do you ever feel like you wish you were born as someone else? I know its a little like thinking if only I won the lottery, except I'm talking about the birth lottery. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
have you ever felt like you're forced to play a video game even if you don't like it? i recently started playing dark souls 3, a game that i was never interested in but felt like i must play it otherwise i won't be able to move in life,i really don't like it but i keep getting that numb feeling that i must over come this challenge or i won't achieve anything in life.It even affects my experience with other games that i like like Metal Gear or GTA because i feel like i'm hidding or running from something by playing those games.Has any of you been in a situation like this and how do you deal with it?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Alpha best friend issues (probably all in my head) My best friend for almost 13 years, has been my roommate for 2 years. I feel like he has changed since he moved out of his step dad's house. I feel like his opinion is always the best and he constantly uses the word "right" to make his ideas the correct ideas. Idk it's hard to explain. I just think when I'm around him lately I cower and have little opinion about things, for fear of being shot down and losing a friend. We play music and we are trying to form a band. Him being the lyricist, I feel I can't have a say about lyrics. He shows me the lyrics and I'm like cool. But I'm my head I'm like, it's ok or I don't get it or this isn't what I relate to anymore.
I have no confidence in any situation!
I still have to call that therapist...
|
self.depression
|
Im a 16 year old with extreme anxiety. My parents refuse to purchase any sort of medication because they dont believe in anxiety. This has been getting to the point where Im just miserable. Even though I want help, I dont know where to get it. What should I do [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's just so hard... I'm a senior.. high school. Everyday is a struggle of depression and subduing myself to my OCD's demands. I hate my family, I truly do. Imagine hearing the person you hate the most every single fucking day. Imagine being consumed by all this hate you can do nothing with. Imagine not eating or showering because of the potential risk that the people you hate have eaten, touched, or used it. I have nothing. I've got no money, I've got nothing to strive for, literally nothing. The only reason I stay in this place that slowly breaks me apart is because of high school but it's so, so hard. Even if I get that diploma what's the point? I'll leave my family, I'll be homeless, I'll be starving and it'll just get worse. I don't know what to do.. and the only reason I typed it down here is because keeping it to myself is suffocating me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Clock is ticking on the offer You get money. I get peace. The world is rid of all evil. Everyone is happy. Please, take the offer
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
"Vacation" Good news is that I'm visiting family and seeing the eclipse. I have some work to do while I'm away but my boss and I agree that the work I've done so far can be published. The bad news is that my dad is being a grump (possible bipolar flare up) and I'm going to have to listen to a lot of opinions I strongly disagree with for a week from someone who might not be rational anyway. Also I get crazy anxious about travel and airplanes. Wish me luck guys I feel like I need it.
If anyone else has bipolar family how do you have a good experience with someone who's having a rough time?
|
self.bipolar
|
There is a big chance that I will become a millionaire in a year or 2 I got involved in Bitcoin 2 years ago, bought a lot when it was 500 600 dollars. And based on my bitcoin increasing from trading altcoins and the increasing value in general I believe I can seriously become a millionaire in a year or 2. I am depressed though. I want to figure out how I can reinvest that money. Not for the purpose to make more but how I can make other aspects of my life better. I'd really like to hear what people think.
And also I don't really know how to feel about this. I think it's important to be humble and I never want that to change about me. But I am going to become very wealthy. I have a certain perspective on money.
Money isn't evil, it is a resource. It's power, you can use it for good or bad. I want to become a billionaire. You can save and dramatically change 1,000s of peoples of lives with that amount of money. I'd rather have that power than someone who doesn't have that perspective.
Does this make sense? I just feel this way about money. I feel like people think it's evil and pursuing money is evil. But you can do good things with money. And I want to do that.
How should I feel and think about this? What do you think?
I am going to have money and power but I don't know how to use it to help myself.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to be the most fucked up present to the people i know. I want to kill myself before Christmas and in the most fucked up way i can imagine.
Its still better than if i don't as that would lead to me physically hurting others, maybe even killing them.
If id do it, things would escalate. There would be worries about how people close to me react to it.
I know there are people in my close circle who have problems they are too scared to do something about.
Some of them would get help to those problems.
And that's the best present i can give.
Goodnight.
|
self.depression
|
I'm so damn alone and upset. This is my first ever Christmas alone. This has been the hardest year of my life so far. I'm struggling finding a job, the person I have strong feelings for doesn't want me (says he does but is taking his sweet time closing the deal), my entire family is incredibly far away from me, and I'm so freaking depressed. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to.
|
self.offmychest
|
Finally numb to this. I am finally numb to it. And it feels good. It feels good to feel nothing instead of crying and just wishing to be dead, the mental agony I’ve experienced throughout my life is so very painful in a way I can’t describe. Me sitting down calmly and wanting to die is a lot better than me crying and hurting myself because the “pain” is so terrible.
I can’t escape him. I can’t escape my father. His voice is in my head every time I don’t do anything perfectly. When I look in the mirror. What he said about me mirrors how I think about myself still.
I always end up dating men just like him. They make me feel crazy and emotionally and mentally abuse me to no end. The guy I thought I loved just told me yesterday that I should be happy that it took him “this long” to start pretending to throw heavy objects at me angrily.
The numbness is much better than the depression. Maybe I’ll get numb to the point where it’ll be easy to kill myself instead of always chickening out. There’s nothing for me here. I am selfish and want just one thing: Love, and I can’t get it. And I’m not going to stay around waiting in pain and mental anguish until I die, just so other people can benefit off of my love and care. I want something for me for once.
I feel so alone and I think about dying almost every day. I wish I didn’t. I feel like the sooner I end my life the better. But I can’t bring myself to do it just yet. A tiny bit of me thinks that maybe I should wait, maybe I will get Lucky. But will the suffering be worth it.
Maybe someone will find me with my wrists slit. Maybe someone will find me hung up in my closet. Maybe then people will understand. Because right now no one does. No one ever has. No matter how many attempts I’ve made to get people to notice I’m hurting. I fantasize about my death sometimes. I know that’s not normal. Hence one more reason why I should not be alive.
|
self.depression
|
It’s the end for me. As I’m typing this, I’m contemplating another attempt, I’ll say something and someone will reach out, but then they leave the next day, I’m tired of that. I’m tired of all the pain and suffering, all the hell I’m going through, how much I’ve fucked up others life’s. People will say it’s okay and it gets better, but it’s bullshit. So here’s an attempt to reach out, doubt anyone will care anyways, always works out that way, and if they pretend, it’s only for the night.
Goodbye.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Dear Depression, I will ask you kindly to fuck off and let me live my life in peace.
-Yours, Nina
|
self.depression
|
Do your hands shake? My hands shake all the time. When I get into a stressful situation it reaches the point where I can't even write(which sucks, since I'm having big tests). But even in normal situations they shake, the fingerprint on my cell won't recognize my finger and I get paranoid that people will notice. Does this happens to you guys? How do you make it stop?
Also, I'm on 100mg of zoloft, my doctor said it was supposed to help with the shakiness but so far I haven't felt any different...
|
self.Anxiety
|
I unknowingly created a fictional character in my mind to deal with anxiety. Is this normal? Whenever I have an anxiety attack in a party or any other social setting. This character materialises from my body, and tries to council me. It's really helpful. He looks like a guy from an anime I watched. He basically helps me get through these situations. Like he talks to me. Is this normal?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want to cut up my wrists really badly I just want to get out all the bad feelings that have been festering inside me for so long
|
self.depression
|
Suicidal Brother(I don't know what to do. Long Explanation.) EDIT: Tldr: My bipolar brother has started blaming me for all his hardships. True or not its real to him and has pushed me to a breaking point after years of being rhere for him. I have had the temptation of leaving him to his fate. I'm no longer sure if I should even bother helping him.
___________________________________________________
I have a younger brother who is not much younger than I am. He suffers from Bi-Polar disorder, but I always felt his paranoid thoughts and mood swings were tame in comparison to others that I have met. He's been mentally abused by our grandparents yet forgave them(Something that blows me away. I hate them. ) He kind of struggles with romance, but he's a good person. He inspired my sense of humor among other things and is very much a hero to me.
In 2010 I started dating a girl he claimed to have liked. I've been telling myself that I was wrong for it until this year. Every week my brother claimed a girl that he would want to talk to. This girl was one of many that he "claimed as his". Me dating her didn't stop him from claiming other women either.
In 2012, I was at college when our mother informed me of his attempted suicide. I didn't know how to handle it and tried to engage with him more than I usually did. I wasn't angry. God help me I wanted to be but didn't. I know he needed me more than i needed him at this point. At least I thought as much. I would listen to him day in and out when he complained or wanted to talk.
2016 we worked on a YouTube channel together. He brought me on, but i wasn't convinced because he tends to drop anything when he loses patience. I went anyway when I figured it would be more fun to do something special together. His work towards the project was minimal, and we were both okay with that. I did the editing, recording and artwork and he just needed to add his commentary. 15 to 45 minutes worth. But as we picked up momentum he started getting worried about our popularity and sabatoged the project by pulling a vanishing act. We were put on Haitus until 2017 where he then told the boss to go fuck himself. We(I since he doesn't have a job.) were at risk of getting sued aince we signed a legal contract for the project. We weren't in the end but i didnt lash out at him.
Fast forward to 2017, we had our moments but we play games together regularly since we no longer live in the same state. We enjoy each other's company and talked a lot. Until Destiny 2 in September. I am usually busy and dont have the time to keep up with the games light level system. I was a lower level than my brother and had trouble keeping up. He tells me to fuck off and leaves. I visit in November and this guy is using my tv, bed and even bathrobe without wearing anything underneath. Treats me like shit, is rude when i politely try to engage with him and thats when I finally lose it.
I curse him out. Tell him I don't get his bullshit behavior, that i never deserved it and at the very least deserve and an explanation as to why he such an asshole to me when I tried to connect with him and you know what he fucking tells me?
That he's always hated me. That I'm the worse thing to have ever happened to him. He dreaded seeing me. I took a girl from him. Everytime i show up, people stop giving a damn about him and pay attention to me. Everyone prefers me. He cant wait for me to disappear since I'm an asshole that lies to impress people and that I manipulate people including him.
So i left the house to process and try to understand what he told me. I believe that what he thinks of me as a delusion, but don't want to dismiss it because to him it's real. And throughout our lives I realize he's always felt this way about me. He apologized but I wanted to stay away from him since he considered me as the source of his anger. He pleaded with me to stay and after a few days consideration i came back. I wish i stayed away since he just got drunk and avoided talking about what happened. I flew back home and it feels the same. He told me he needs a therapist, but not only has he done nothing to get one, he hasn't changed his attitude towards me. He told me that I can't help but be who I am and I got short with him. I told him that if I'm the catalyst foe all his misery he shouldn't talk to me until he gets the help he needs so he blocks me from everything.
And I dunno, I dunno sure if I want this. I dont know if i should abandon him but I'm beginning to hate him. I'm in so much pain and can't take it anymore. I want to help him but dont think I'm capable anymore of beong patient. I'm to blame for everything. Is this how it starts? When people start giving up on a family member that needs help? What should I do?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Applying to university. i literally don't know I'm going to survive in society I'm feeling overwhelmingly lost, possibly more so than I ever have in my life.
I'm applying to universities, the deadline is tomorrow, and I can't think of a single thing to put on my personal statement/essay.
But it's not just that that's worrying me. I have no idea how I'm going to function at all in the "real world."
To say I don't deal with stress well is wrong. I do not deal with stress period. I have been so anxious and stressed over this application alone that my resting heart rate has been above 90 for days. I am not sleeping well, and I feel both starving and not hungry at all at the same time, and I can't eat easily. This is all also triggering my health anxiety really badly.
I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to be able to cope in my chosen field of accounting. I hate the subject, I will almost certainly hate the job, and it may well kill me. I know you're supposed to "do what you love" - which for me would mean pursuing a "useless" degree. I can't do that. I cannot "market" myself. I cannot make myself "in demand." I will turn 23 in 11 days time, and I have never been in paid employment, so "useless" degrees, as society brands them, are completely out. Therefore, I've had to make a list of the "best" degrees to have, and pick the one I absolutely despise the least. I need a degree that leads directly to a job, or else I literally have no hope. I cannot make my own path.
I don't even want a job. The thought horrifies me to no end. My dream is to be a stay at home dad, but that just gets funny looks, and reminders about that's not how it works, and that no one wants to give money for someone to do nothing (which I wouldn't.)
I don't really know what to say next. I guess I just wanted to rant a little about how much I hate all this. Thanks for reading.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My depression is like a dark cloud. That seems to defy gravity and consume everything around me, tainting what makes me happy, killing my motivation, engulfing me like a straight jacket sapping my energy.
I'm 36 male, living at home with my parents as their full time carer, as they both have mental illnesses yet stil capable.
My problem has been festering for years from being bullied at school, having so called friends turn on me, then when i was just getting back on track, had to deal with finding work which wasn't too hard at first, and the jobs i've had some have been good others have been awful, one boss was a massive prick ex magistrate who hated the younger generation, another boss demanded 6 days a week but i got him back by wrecking the van twice, having to work with assholes who think they're gods gift.
Then having to deal with my chosen profession dying throughout this time and then unable to find work for a while so i ended up on the dole, which then created new problems of having to look for work and being rejected over and over.
Then after a while being moved around to rig the unemployment numbers into new deal and these jobsearch companies, where you turn up look for jobs for the equivalent of a 9-5 working day.
Then one day i just fell asleep because of the mind numbing tedium next thing i know i'm put in poundland for a few weeks, which was going ok, till i fell ill had was off for a week with the flu..
Then it was back to the jobcenter who weren't happy.
rince repeat for a year or two, and que some inheritence money, saving up all my money and then deciding to make the money work for me by investing it, then i recieve a letter from the jobcenter demanding i prove my income and bank details for 'reasons' and then after a few weeks say i owe them 2k in overpayments and i must pay back asap.
So i paid half and set up a debit for the rest.
Then i was moved to yet another jobsearch programme this time, which was fine for a few months then the so called 'agent/handler' decided i wasn't doing enough to find work and started to threaten me with stopping my money etc.
So i tried to shape up but the odds were not in my favour, she made me show up for a full week 9-5. in the most boring room, with only basic internet that only connects to job related stuff.
It got to the point where i made shit up to get out of there quicker..
After that week things eased off and she let me take a few days off, so thought great, boy was i wrong, i got a letter soon after from the jobcenter informing me of a meeting that must be attended.
Where i was informed my agent handler had filed an complaint against me for not fullfilling my end of the contract for job searching and therefore my money was being stopped.
explained my situation/my efforts and my experience and this other person wasn't satisfied. So i said right , sign me off then, i'm done, this female jobsworth seemed surprised and got my the form to sign off and i left.
Not long after my mum n dad made me their carer, for money and because i was doing things for them enough to warrant the title and money.
After a few years my mum and dad have been slowly declining, still somewhat capable but their mood swings and almost constant arguing and shouting noisey actions around the house are taking it's toll on me.
Thanks for reading if you still are, not looking for advice just a place to give my 2 cents, i am on 10mg of citoplan daily which takes the edge off.
|
self.depression
|
My school needs to stop boasting about their mental health services (rant). Yes, I realize that I go to a university that has 40,000+ undergrads and yes, I realize that it's that time of year again for seasonal depression. But I am so fucking sick and tired of seeing signs around campus and people telling me that "If you feel bad, you should go see a counselor! Did you know that students get 10 free counseling sessions?!" Yes. Yes I am fucking aware of that. It would be nice to actually be able to utilize that.
Currently the waiting list to see a counselor is extended out to January of next semester. I reached out to the counselor that did my phone screening to see if I was eligible for counseling, and she said that she had removed me from the waitlist since I am "too at-risk to wait for a (free) campus counselor" and has sent me a list of recommended off-campus counselors to set up appointments with.
And guess what? They all have waitlists too. Other than my boyfriend, I don't have any friends or relatives to reach out to talk to and tell them about my self harm and suicidal thoughts. I fucking hate how this college boasts about all of these FABULOUS mental health resources it has when I still get put on waitlists even for fucking SUPPORT GROUPS. This school has done nothing for me and I hate everything about it.
What's it going to take for someone to take me seriously? Kill myself? I fucking wish I could. Even then, they'd probably say "Oh she was a great student and a wonderful part of our community. If only we knew that she was THAT depressed; our counseling services would have taken her in. And remember students, don't forget about out 10 FREE COUNSELING SERVICES at our mental health center! They wont fuck you over at all :)))))))"
|
self.depression
|
I’m not living a life Everyday I wake up, and it’s like I’m automatically on autopilot, I do the same routine without fail. But what for? The semester is almost up, but my hearts not in it. I think I want to continue but for who? Myself? Or my parents? I have a hard time balancing work, school, family & friends. Multi tasking is not my strongest. I just don’t have a reason to live, but here I am. I’m comfortable with dying just scared to do it. On my way to school this morning I saw a truly awful car accident and I couldn’t help but think “damn, I wish that was me”. How bad is my life that I truly think death is the best option, even though I have family and a few friends who care and love me. I just live day to day with no thought of what I want from life.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like just a hug from anyone would help. I know it won't really but sometimes it feels like all I need is someone to hold me for a little bit and it would solve everything.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish i had super powers . . . [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Is it normal to feel suicidal if your'e disabled? Im suicidal because im disabled (autistic), im afraid of poverty. Because i think i'm unemployable, or atleast i can't get a decent education and job i think. Because its too hard for me. The other problem is that i have anxiety too. But is it really impossible t oescape poverty if you have no education, and if you're autistic? Am i lost? Or is there still any hope?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Why is my depression worst when I'm at my best? I've had a pretty awful year, but the last two weeks things have been going great for me. I've been getting a lot of recognition for being good at my job which means a lot to me, I've made a new friend who I really like, and I've actually been on a good sleeping schedule for once. However, the past few days, I have felt more depressed than I have felt all year and I don't know why. Is this something that happens often to other people or what? I'm just frustrated that things are actually looking good and I'm still feeling my depression worse than ever. It makes it feel like there is nothing I can do to escape it.
|
self.depression
|
Wanting to lose weight. I have gain a little bit of weight since starting Lexapro for my anxiety.
What is your experience losing weight while on anxiety medication? What do you do for workouts/eating?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I always try to be nice to people, but they just treat me like trash. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Update On Emotionless After Med Decrease I wanted to update you guys.
I talked to my doc and he said it was natural to go through mood fluctuations when decreasing meds. I don't think he understood that I'm not feeling anything at all but I will explain that further on my next visit. I've been emotionless for a couple of weeks now and I hate it but it's better than the alternative.
|
self.bipolar
|
Always carrying anxiety in my stomach... no one should think about their stomach this much! I've never been diagnosed with any type of anxiety disorder, but I definitely know that I have it (I'm working on getting a new therapist but it takes MONTHS in the UK, so don't worry--I'm trying to find help!).
I constantly have stomach pain, anywhere from intense butterflies and actual pain, to a dull bloat-like feeling that suppresses my appetite or makes me feel super full when I really shouldn't be. It causes me to quite literally ALWAYS be thinking about my stomach, because it bothers me! I've been to 2 gastro docs and have had tests, and am clear of any sort of IBS or celiac, allergies, etc. after years of suspecting food. I've finally realized that it's just completely... stress. Anxiety. My mind.
Whether because of good stress (excitement about an event) or bad (any number of things...), it effects it more or less. Sometimes, I won't be stressed at all in my mind. Happy days, feeling great! But my stomach is till just never feeling right. It's never nausea, just a full feeling or a butterfly-like muscle contraction. Like being nervous.
If I know I even have a small task at work to complete, it starts to bug me. Often, I suppress it with food though it actually kills my appetite, because at least food will bring my mouth joy and I can temporarily ignore my stomach. Carbonated drinks, even water, make it worse. I think coffee does too, so I'm trying to lean more towards tea. Gum and other bloat-y things as well.
When it's bad, even if I can't find ANY REASON why I'd be anxious, I will avoid social situations. I'll skip pub quiz night with my fun colleagues. I say no do dinner plans. The idea of thinking about having a beer (I enjoy beer!) will even bring on more anxiety. I become a hermit, sometimes for a week or so at a time. Not depressed, but just... anxious and needing to be on my own where I am in control of my environment. My job even allows working from home when needed. I often tell my team "I'm not feeling well", which leads them to believe I'm sick. The reality is that I can't face being in an office, stressed, where there are snacks everywhere (which is a HUGE anxiety trigger for me, because I eat when I am stressed, which causes a lot more stomach pain. What a cycle!). This leads them to believe I'm actually sick... which is not really the case. It's just... personal.
So, my stomach just always hurts or feels bloated, so I've become somewhat obsessed with watching my food intake and tracking things, because it was starting to effect my physical health. I've tried to work out to flatten my belly (funny because I'm very fit and actually am healthy and strong!), but realized that the pain/bloat are just always there from anxiety. No amount of physical activity is just going to make this disappear.
I've tried all the millions of destress methods... exercise helps my mind, but never really makes my stomach better.
- Yoga (obsessed with yoga!)
- Running
- Deep breathing
- Calm hobbies, like painting or just taking a restful evening for myself
- Essential oils/lavendar, etc
- Therapy or talking to friends
- Journaling about what's happening, how I feel, or write on Reddit
- Generally all the typical things that actually do calm me down and help me de-stress, but it's still present!
This causes me to do obsessive things like mirror-checking my stomach, or if I'm waiting around I can't just relax. My hands are on my hips, fingers gently poking at my stomach. It's now a nervous tick, this constant "make this feeling go away. I can see it, I can feel it."
Does anyone else constantly think about their stomach only to the point of feeling like they have some sort of eating issue, but really it's because their anxiety in their belly is seemingly present 100% of the time and it manipulates the way you see yourself or handle your appetite, or social situations? It really messes with my head! It's incredibly frustrating when it comes to social situations because I have to manipulate what I eat or drink when it's flaring up, and can't really explain to people why when they act concerned.
Why does stomach pain interfere with so many things?!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Constant anxiety It has been almost 8 years since ive had a SINGLE day without a panic attack. I don’t think i can take much more of this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Would I still be this way if things were different? Husband and I are both dealing with depression. I have high and low points, but manage to somewhat function for the most part. I have a good paying job, a home, 4 dogs, and 2 good friends. My mother and I are close, and she's dying of cancer. My father is a story for a different day..
Anyway, my husband deals with his depression differently- he can manage his job, but that's about it. He spends his time off work focusing on his hobbies, I think to take his mind off of it. Because of this, I am the only one taking care of the things in our lives - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, caring for our dogs, home maintenance and repair, etc.
The responsibility combined with stressful life events has taken a toll on me to the point where I'm not sure if I'd be this depressed if I was alone or had a supportive partner. I've dealt with my depression for over 10 years, and kept going by telling myself to hang on, it'll get better, but I just can't do that anymore. I feel hopeless and lost.
Has anyone else experienced this?
|
self.depression
|
Panicking about therapy - group So I've just been diagnosed as bipolar and I've been offered therapy. Obviously the NHS is underfunded and accessing these is difficult. I agreed to the group therapy because that's quicker to get on and I've already been waiting 8 months for a diagnosis. I'm scared because I hate people, and crowds make me have panic attacks and cry, having to converse with a stranger is a sure way to giving me a panic attack or a rage incident and I'm really really really bad with all social situations. I'm not even in work because being near people makes me super angry or super depressed. I agreed because I hate confrontation and pleasing people is always the best option in these situations.
I don't want to be a pain, so could anybody tell me if they've had a good experience with group therapy? Or if I can just like change the therapy type without speaking to anybody at all? I know that sounds ridiculous but if there's a form or something? These things aren't self referral unfortunately! Can I opt for my boyfriend to talk to these people on my behalf?
I sound like a melt I know but I'm really not in a great place and this is stressing me out big time. I'm waiting for the ECG and blood tests so I can be medicated so right now I'm just in a horrendous bowl of anxiety. Sorry.
Tl;dr... I hate social situations and have opted for group therapy. Can I change it or should I stick to it as it will ultimately benefit? Thanks!
|
self.bipolar
|
anyone else truly wish they were just never born? i dont wish i was dead anymore.
i dont want to kill myself.
i truly wish i was never even born.
i really fucking mean that, and if there was a way to just go back in time and undo that, i would.
i dont know why i was brought here.
i wish my parents never met.
|
self.depression
|
I hate this in side me... Although I don't hate myself. This has universally been the worse time of year for me. From the end of October to mid January things go bad and feel at my absolute lowest. For the most part I've grown to live with being somewhere on the spectrum of being suicidal... From bloody mess knife still in hand too "if I timed my stepping off this train platform I could get dragged under and crush my head under the wheels"
I'm an old fart. I've had to live like this for 30yrs. I've burned my life to the ground so many times I don't even remember what my life was... I remember waking up with the kitchen knife to my throat told I was dead my life was someone else's, I remember the hunting trips I hated with the extra hand lotion and no sleep, I remember the sound the phone makes when it's just been ripped out of the wall ringing as its colliding with the side of my skull for trying to clean the milk my baby brother spilled, I remember crying because I was told my bunny blanket had been thrown away and not being tall enough to see into the trash can so I could find it, tipping it over so slightly on my tippy toes to get just a glimpse of it's remains.
I'm old. I wish I could be dead... But more I wish I knew how to live. I may not make it through this year, as it is with every year. It seams really dumb. I want to sleep again. Maybe next year the years past won't be behind me...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My Mother who will never understand. I always tell myself that my relationship - or lack there of - with my mom is only temporary; that I the teenager who goes through moody phases and hormones ragging will change my mind and someday wake up with everything different. As a child I always felt what I was, a mistake that ruined her teenage days and a mark of stupidity that my troubled father should’ve worn a condom. Their relationship was full of abuse. Up until the age of 10 my father was in and out of prison and also on and off drugs (meth and heroin.) My mom who was abused chose alcohol and Xanax as an escape. I took care of her as well as myself. Stopped her from killing herself, intervened in arguments between my dad when she was too drunk to stand up for herself, sometimes taking the hits for her. I understand her depression and don’t blame her for how she delt, I can’t say I would do anything different if I was in the position. Now at 17, I’m happy he is in prison for 37 years and we are both free of him and the negative life we lived. My mom has found religion, not that I find anything wrong with that but at times I feel that is all she cares about. I recently told her I wanted to get involved in politics, that I am passionate about it and with my success in debate it has peeked my interest. She told me that she would never support me because I would run democrat and that would be a disgrace to both her and god? Religion and politics aside, it’s not just that which has created this barrier between us. I can never open up to her about anything because it lacks in comparison to what she’s been through or she becomes mad and doesn’t understand. My accomplishments in school don’t matter and she doesn’t want me going to college because “I wouldn’t be able to handle it” My eating disorder is an “act” and I’m pretending. She doesn’t acknowledge anything that happened during my childhood. She also is liar. Says she’s a nurse though she’s lost her license 3 times and I don’t think can get it back. My therapist has diagnosed what she believes to be borderline personality disorder. This is only a third of everything that has created our problems. I hope I’m just an overreacting teen and some day things will be better. At times I’m just tired and wish things were different, but doesn’t everyone.
Needed to vent..
|
self.offmychest
|
I don’t get why I have to be so alone It’s to the point where I just wish I’d do something permanent about it. What did I do to deserve this? I don’t have one single friend. No one wished me a merry Christmas. I’m the one who always has to do it. Why can’t someone else make the effort? Is it because I’m not worth it?! I know I’m not. I’m sick of crying and being trapped with my thoughts. Please.... someone just end my never ending misery.... I beg of you.
|
self.depression
|
There is no fucking hope, I cant keep going on like this, everything is pointless. I'm going away. My depression has destroyed so many fucking friendships, pushed so many people away because I didnt communicate and destroyed my relationship of nearly 5 years.
She wanted to fix things but I was too much of a coward to do it, she wanted to repair our relationship and I told her no and to go see other people because I hated myself so much.
SHe blamed herself for my depression and what did I do? Pushed her in to the arms of someone else.
When I had a clear concious and wanted to fix things it was too late, she was seeing soemoene else, moved on, I had my chance and I didnt take it.
Didnt matter what I was doing or willing to do, it wasnt enough I FUCKED IT.
I then got even more fucking depressed and lashed out at her so much she blocked me everywhere. 4 and a half years talking daily for hours, and I lost it all.
Now im all alone with no one but my fucking thoughts.
The thoughts of killing myself started off as miniscule, now they are full on plans of how and when to do it.
Im fucking sick of this fucking ILLNESS, 3 months ago this happened and im STILL feeling the fucking pain of this shit like it was yesterday.
I fucking hate me so much, I hate everything about the fucking person i am I fucking HAAAAAAAAATE being alive.
im gonna fucking kill this illness at the source.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My wife broke my heart Seven months ago, I (26M) found out my wife (25F) was cheating on me. My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, married for four. Our son will be turning two years old in December. We met as freshmen in high school, and got married just after I graduated college.
I joined the military after I graduated in order to get ourselves on our feet, and mainly as a way to pay for graduate school. After a few, trying years away from home, I got orders back to a base close to where we were from. We were excited as could be to be back around family, but I had training for about four months I had to complete before I could join her and, at the time, my three month old son at our new base. It turns out during my training, she cheated on me repeatedly with one of our mutual friends, and continued to cheat on me after I had returned home. She hid it from me for over a year and a half until I found out earlier this year. I was gone for about 12 hours a day for work, and she was meeting with this guy constantly while I was away.
I had suspicions about something going on, and she would dispel all my worries, and remove the doubt that I had. We weren't in the best place, but I never thought she'd be capable of doing that to me. I found out because I found text messages between them, and i found out how he took her to meet his parents, and how she wishes that he had actually gotten her pregnant during a pregnancy scare they had that I had no idea about at the time.
I confronted her about it, and she confessed everything. We spent many nights crying and talking, and I've spent almost half my life madly in love with this woman, and I was at a loss for what to do. I wanted to try and see if we could work things out, and at least try to save what we spent the last decade building together. Everything was looking up, and we were both finding happiness in each other again, until I dropped a year-long unaccompanied overseas assignment.
As soon as I left, she immediately made contact with the guy she cheated on me with. They text and call one another constantly throughout the day and call each other every single night. Due to the time difference between where I'm at and the States, it can be hard to talk as much as I'd like to, but she barely makes an effort to talk to me. I can see how often they text and talk on the phone from the phone bill, and I have a feeling shes cheating on me again.
I know the military can be rough on people, and we didn't have the smoothest transition into that sort of life, especially with a newborn thrown into the mix, but I never thought I'd encounter infidelity. I've got a little over 9 months left before I head back to the States, and I feel like I'm going to lose my mind worrying about what shes doing.
I appreciate you guys reading. I haven't told anyone about what's happened, and I needed some way to let it out.
|
self.offmychest
|
Worrying too much and over thinking with so much going on in the world, I'm constantly worried about me or my family getting robbed, killed, stabbed, etc...
I hate how I always worry and think about what would I do in those type if situations.
I don't think it's normal the amount I think about and i dont know what to do about it.
eg: when I'm going to bed I always think "what if someone breaks in" or "what would I do if I got shot?!"
it's making me restless.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety manifesting as sensory overload? How can I help? I have experience with anxiety in general, and I do get very overwhelmed if there is too much going on at one time. I can't quite understand this situation though, and I want to know how I might be able to help.
My boyfriend has recently been getting overwhelmed with just the volume of my voice. When I say recent, I mean for the past couple months. We've been together for four years, and I have never been quiet when I speak by any means. Sometimes I get a little loud, but nothing extreme.
He's been interpreting my regular voice as if I'm yelling quite often. He asks me to lower my volume all the time, and says he feels that I'm shouting right next to his ear. This always happens during stressful times for him, which is why I think it's anxiety related. I do try to lower my volume and be quiet, but is there anything else I can do to help?
|
self.Anxiety
|
What’s the point? I don’t know what to be career wise. I don’t know who to love. I don’t like the world. Wish I could explore it without interacting with people.
|
self.depression
|
It hurts to much to be alive It feels like I can't get a break. My whole entire life he's just been constant non-stop pain and it doesn't go away. the last 3 months were the only time my life I was truly happy and now that's ruined. I don't know what to do, im hurting so much. I'm the type of person that takes my meds on time, I exercise, i goto therapy, I take care of myself. everything hurts. the person I love completely broke me I still can't believe it don't know what to do
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My bad relationship with my dad and my teen years that I feel ashamed for. [Triggers] My mom died I when I was 14. It feels like my dad went with her. Or, to be very brutally honest, I'm insane enough to wish he would have.
My dad. He's had an alcohol problem for decades, before I was born. He was always a good provider despite, and he always had things made for my mom and us kids, and I had great moments with him. Though.. For at least ten years before my mom died, I'd watch him abandon us - not come home after work, not answer calls, not be home for dinner - then come home drunker than piss and scream the nastiest things at my mom, or at me, and often become physically abusive. My brother destroyed his life and is a deadbeat on heavy drugs, so I lost him. I think that sums up the past pretty well.
As my mom was in the hospital and after my mom died, he promised so many things. That we'd stick together, we were a team, we had this. Then maybe a few weeks later, he brought home a girlfriend. I was supposed to accept her, but at the same time I wasn't allowed to bond with her or anything. This would go on with three other women, plus a few random affairs. After the first girlfriend is where I started to lose my dad for good. He just clocked out from being any kind of parent, was like I did not exist.
I'm not saying that to be a queen or anything. He literally went days without even looking at me, or talking to me, unless it was to scream at me. His girlfriends didn't give a shit about me, and the recent one isn't allowed to talk to me. It's like he just threw me away.
My room was condemned and my mattress wasn't an option anymore. He knew it but just didn't care. I slept on the couch or the floor, mostly the floor with the couch pillows for the first couple years. The only thing he did about it was yell at me about how I was destroying shit by sleeping on it.
I buried into depression. Lost my stay at home mom and best friend, was losing my dad, all on top of my own problems. I suffer severe mental illnesses, I suffer a form of autism, I have symptoms of a neurological disorder that slows my life down and makes me give up on life a lot. My dad didn't and still doesn't give support in any way. I buried into probably the deepest depression I've ever heard of, I never even thought depression was a real thing honestly or how bad it could get, but I turned into trash. I literally wore the same clothes to school every day/every week - partly because he wouldn't buy me clothes and he would get mad when I tried to "hoard" any clothes - and I had a severe OCD thing that stopped me from showering for weeks on end and I was too depressed to even try to fight it. I was too tired to function. I ran on like 3 hours of sleep a week. My dad did nothing for the sake of his parenthood, it was like I didn't exist.
He added to my suffering. I'd worry about him drinking. I would never know where he was or what or when or with who. He'd binge drink 5 hours, or 12 hours, often 24. Sometimes beer, sometimes vodka, or rum binging. Chain smoking and partying at bars like a 21 year old. Livers tends to fail from that shit. He has heart issues, he works a very rigorous job and you can literally see cuts and eyebags and dark skin and muscle strain on him, he cannot keep going with less than 3 hours of sleep, or no sleep at all.
I didn't get any sleep either. I couldn't sleep after school because I'd be home worrying about him. Or be overtired. At night, he and a woman would come home drunk as piss and drink even more. Or he'd bring an entire party of people I didn't even fucking know. They'd scream, annoying drunk screaming, and blare music so loud I could hear it from the end of the block, they'd drink the entire time. Or he'd start screaming at his girlfriend, and breaking things, and calling her nasty things the way he did to my mom. Or scream nasty things at me. Our one neighbor is deaf and we live on a three-house block in a smaller part of town, so no one gives a shit what we do. I'd be kept up until 2 am, or 4 am, or up until I had to leave for school. As said earlier, I'd run on an average of 3-6 hours of sleep per week. I'd get less sleep than he did, because I'd be too overtired to fall asleep. once I could. I'd have heart palpitations at least twice each night. I'd get tension headaches. I was so tired that it didn't even hurt, but I knew I was going through pain, if that makes any sense. I started wearing reading glasses because my eyes would go out. I'd be too tired to eat or do anything. I would just sit on the couch and do nothing because I was a slug. Even at school my eyes would be closed and I'd be out of it. I missed a lot though, for sleep or just for feeling like trash. At night I'd knock on my dad's bedroom door or go out to the party, I'd tell my dad I was sick, that my heart hurt, that I need to sleep after a hard day of dealing with my illnesses and the bullshit, that I hadn't slept in two days. I did raise my voice a few times from being so angry, but 99% of the time I was as polite as I could be. He'd give me a drunk smile and shrug and laugh and tell me "Go to sleep then". Or, I remember a few times, he walked in on me in the bathroom and screamed at me for being selfish, would give me vodka rage eyes. Which are the most horrifying thing, if you've never seen them. He threatened to sell my stuff if I didn't stop ruining his life. He said, quote "I'll just sell your stuff and we'll be done." Done with WHAT? How does selling your kid's shit fix the fact that you need to be a more supportive and encouraging parent? One time he tried to kick me out of the house, screamed at me for an hour and made me feel selfish and inconsiderate and worthless and like a waste of space.
I wasn't eating, because I was too tired, or just too depressed about myself. I realized how not eating changed my body, I started feeling dysmorphia and I developed a mild anorexia and had no resources to help me understand my feelings, I still have problems to this day and my dad shrugs it off. I started cutting myself and abusing diphenhydramine, because I was stupid at the time and I thought it was the solution. It helped me get through and release the pain, or so I believed because, again, no resources or guardians. My dad took four years to find out about the cutting, even though all the signs were most likely there. He didn't do anything or have anything to say for the anorexia or cutting, though I really wish he would have. I feel unloved, I wish he would have gotten on my ass about it and helped me realize the damage I was doing to myself. He just started nagging me over unrelated stuff that hurts my feelings to talk about- he does it often, calls it "discussing". I know parents often don't know what to do, but he didn't put in any effort in comforting me or getting school counselors involved or anything. All he said was "You're graduating in a month. Get your shit together and hold out." and was never discussed or brought up again.
I tried living with other family members. Twice I successfully stayed with my aunt and I fucking loved it. I got sleep every night, I had family to spend time with, home meals when I could stomach them, a parent figure. My dad would fight and rip me away and get pissed at me. He'd go through shit to bring me home, then ignore me or shit on me the moment we go in the door. I have no idea why he'd do it. A few years in, social services got involved on my behalf, but my dad did everything he could to keep me. Still, no clue why.
I'll add too that he'd have parties and get shitfaced then smile and talk about how good life was. Right in front of me. I'd be a giant mess, not eaten anything, wearing the same shitty clothes, cuts on my body, feeling like death from not sleeping.. I don't even know how bad I looked from an outside view but I've seen pictures... and he'd just lean back and smile with his drink and say "It's all good" and laugh about how good everyone was feeling and shit. Might as well stomp on my fucking face.
I feel so seriously abandoned and abused even to this day, how a parent could just let their child do that to themselves and shrug it off, and how a parent could even consider making theor child feel unwanted. How a parent made promises, then ran off and drank 5 or even 12 hours straight and pissed around, knowing his kid was suffering like that. He knew full well better than anyone, my disorders were/are crippling my life. Simple tasks like going to the bathroom or even walking are hard for me mentally and neurologically. It takes so much life out of me. It's even harder living through it knowing he doesn't give a shit, that he can easily shrug it off. I believe everyone is entitled to live their life, but at the same time, I was his child and he was responsible for my health and he was supposed to be there to love through it all - and he knew it, too. I know there are kids out there with worse, and it fucks my brain up to be depressed over this. It's like it's my fault or something, like I'm selfish or ridiculous. I can't get over the shit he's said to me. It was seriously nasty things, things you should never even consider saying to your woman or your daughter. I have a PTSD. If I smell alcohol breath, or see glass break, or hear certain words, or see certain things, it brings those years back. I can't describe how much it hurts me.
He still does it today. I live with him and can't go NC anytime soon because of my financial situation. It's like I lost both parents and my brother, but losing my dad was the hardest because I lost myself too and it felt like he just didn't care at all.
|
self.offmychest
|
repost, the last one didn't get any traction and i need advice nothing brings me happiness anymore, my grades are shit (might have to retake 2nd semester geometry next year. also i live in the US, 16, male), father died in 2011 and i don't feel like my mother really loves me (like she cares, but if given the opportunity she'd probably sell me off for some $. but would have to be a shit ton though). the only person that i'm close with that really loves me is my sister. never had a girlfriend (i'm straight, but i am jealous of people that are bi cuz they can dip into both genders. they just have more options) and probably never will (not even any physical/non-physical romantic interaction. and the only sexaul experince i have is when a girl tried to rape me), but i had hoped that by some glorious favor of the universe or god or whatever, that i could get a gf and then i'd fell, at least, some happiness and feel like less of piece of shit. she doesn't even have to a good person, she could even be abusive (my mother used to be abusive, so it wouldn't be anything new), that i could tolerate. you might be thinking it's wrong to settle for such a person, but beggars can't be choosers. what's worse? getting hit a few times? or spending every waking moment wishing that i'd die in my sleep and being pissed off when i wake up cuz i didn't die in my sleep? i'll take getting hit. in fact, at this point that's the best i can look forward to: a girl who beats the shit out of me everyday cuz i know that my worthless ass will never find someone better who is willing to put up with my existence (i'm ugly, poor, can't drive, no job atm, and, at least imo, very fucking retarded). if you'd like to know more, look through my post history it's more evidence that i should die. some people say that life is a gift, there wrong. you get to keep a gift, but everyone dies eventually so you obviously don't keep your life. life is really a loan with a fuck ton of intrest. life is shit, hope i get hit by a bus (maybe i'd actually die, unlike my suicide attempt). stay safe, stay memein and schemin, love you all. -jewyjew69
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm so done I have issues sleeping, eating consistently is pretty much impossible for me since I can't maintain an appetite at all, all I've done is keep on going back to cutting myself, I'm so incredibly stupid and I've attempted suicide 7 times and I just want to do it again. Finally get rid of myself, no point in me existing anymore. I just want to disappear, I don't want to be here anymore- I fucking hate it here. I just want to be dead. I'll die anyways, should just speed up the process and avoid going through more pain to do with living.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
please I don’t know what to do, every day is worse, I was okay for awhile too. Now I can’t sleep again, sleep was my only escape from this fucking place. Nothing’s distracting me enough anymore. Nobody fucking cares. I’m so tired. I want to be done. Please someone help me. Please something make me want to live. Please.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
18F I am so fed up I am so fed up with life.. my boyfriend just broke with me. I'm so lonely :(
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
LF medication advice I've isolated myself since I was around 13, I'm now in my mid 20s. Throughout my teens I had such crippling anxiety, every second outside of my house would be so painful. I still get anxiety, but it's not as severe anymore. However I've just been so done with anxiety, so sick of the painful discomfort of going outside and being hyper aware of everything that I just don't do anything, I won't. I don't think I've had a positive social interaction since before my teens. I don't get anything out of life right now, I've tried many times but it never seems worth the stress of it.
Anyway, I got a hold of some valium the other day and it was great. I didn't care about what people thought and all my anxieties were gone. I've tried SSRIs, and I see a therapist, but this seems like the solution. I'm considering just taking this from now on, for the foreseeable future at least. It wouldn't be a prescription because my gp just refuses to prescribe anything of the sort. I'd get it elsewhere. Naturally I'm a little hesitant though, considering things I've read about the drug and the dangers of it. So I'm hoping someone here might have been in a similar situation and can advise me on this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm a mess right now and I need some help. A few days ago I started hitting myself and this morning I put a gun (unloaded) in my mouth [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just another generic meaningless post. well this is going to be a badly written post im sorry if you wasted your time reading this disgusting post ;(. im 14, hate myself, feel like a failure, lack motivation to do whats actually important, want to start cutting / self harm but am too scared to do it, people say they love me but i know its not true when they know how i act and try to stay away from me and only talk to me once in a while out of sympathy. i dont get why i even wake up, take a shower and try to care for myself. i try to help nobody wants it just like nobody would want me anyway. everything i do even a suicide would be useless somehow. everyday is exactly the same there's nothing i can do to fricking change it, my mom wants to move to isarel sometime soon because of the end of the world. funny enough.. if i stop using my computer or uninstalled steam "gaming program" i'd surely kill myself. i edit my steam profile all the time and just hope something good will happen but i know it wont. im a homeschooled loser that is just an idiot in general. i dont go outside anymore because my moms scared i will be kidnapped or i will be shot by a cop (stuff like that.) i just want to slit my wrists and end my life but i cant because im too attached my best bet is trying to break the bonds. thats my enlightenment maybe.. sorry if you read this again, poorly typed, waste of your time i would say, i am pessimistic and cant change even though i have tried to why cant i just die...............................ameinf[o (random typing sorry.)
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Good day vs. Bad day Good day: Not necessarily "happy" but no noticeable misery. Able to look forward to doing something fun, can live in the moment and find small joys in life.
Bad day: Obsessed about my failures (especially relationships with family and previous friends and job experiences), overwhelmed by all the bad news in the world, extra sensitive to criticism, can't imagine getting through another day of living.
|
self.depression
|
I just talked to my parents across the atlantic through a videocall and could barely try to fake a smile They asked me why I was sad and I had the worst feeling of my life. I didn't say anything. I'm a fucking coward. It really terrifies me to even begin to tell them I want to kill myself. I know it would hurt them very much and also my grandmother. I wouldn't want that.
I don't know what to do at this point, I'm alone and feel so distant to anything or anyone. I realized that I'm fucking worthless, I'm not even good at having fun, there's no use for me. My small family loves me and tells me they care so much about me, but I don't even feel like I deserve their love. I feel like I don't deserve anything in life.
I don't know what to do. I just want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop feeling anything altogether. I just want to escape everything
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Has moving to another city made a difference in managing your mental health? I’m recently diagnosed bipolar II although I’ve dealt with it for many years before seeking help. I’ve been in therapy for a year and am starting medication in a week. I’m excited to start managing this illness, but I feel as if I’m in the wrong location to really tackle it. I live in NYC where I struggle to make rent, let alone pay for therapy + medication. The winters, many traits of the people who are attracted to NYC, a lack of personal space, and the stress that comes with living in such a large city makes me wonder if life would be easier elsewhere.
Obviously being bipolar will follow me everywhere, but has anyone seen a change in themselves for better or worse after moving? Are there any cities you would recommend that are particularly good for dealing with mental health (I’m thinking about Denver)?
Any insight or general discussion would be greatly appreciated!
|
self.bipolar
|
I fucked up the most wonderful friendship I ever had. I just managed to dry my eyes after realizing I have lost someone I cared so much for...way more than I should.
First a few words about me, I'm M/22 and struggle with depression and co-dependancy for many years now.
Anyway, because I'm a needy co-dependant useless human being, I managed to fuck up the maybe one relation that could have helped me. And it's all my fault, I guess.
I met her here on reddit last September when I was searching penpals on a lonely day. I wish I had never answered to her post, knowing what would happen n the following months.
We clicked immediately and started writing mails immediately, she even wanted to send me a package and it felt so goof to finally have found someone who would accept me for what I am - at least that was what I thought.
We started talking on a daily basis on InstaDirect and her little supportive messages helped me to stay positive - and that is where the problem begins. I don't know how much you all know about co-dependency, but it's basically a disease that makes it extremely hard to maintain close relationships and friendships, all with conformity issues, self-denial and control-issues. You basically only feel good when others "need" you and validate you. Which works quite nice in the first few weeks, but then I exaggerated more and more. I sent her songs I recorded, wrote poems and even send her a package with all my love in it as well. And at first, she seemed to be thankful for that stuff. But well, the downside of all this is that I got anxious and mad when she didn't answer me directly like she did at the beginning, and slowly and steadily she began to neglect me and avoid direct interaction.
The thing that hurt most were all her broken promises: It was the little things like sending messages and photos and giving me a heads-up that she promised, but never did. I don't know if she's like that with everyone, but I felt neglected, and - the idiot I am - did my best to make this "friendship" even more lopsided. Spamming messages, wanting to know everything she does and who she meets, ffs, I was becoming a stalker. Anyway, since this year started and I began to openly state my problems that I had - both my mental problems that I had and the thing that I felt there was something wrong with us two - I felt that something had changed for the worse.
I remember when she passionately agreed to call me every week just to ditch me the following week and finding excuses why not to talk to me until today. I felt it was something wrong, but I didn't want to face the truth and didn't ask. I just pushed forward and forward and forward, unknowingly pushing her away even further. I just don't understand why she wasn#t transparent earlier.
Gosh, she even had invited me to visit her in Kansas, just to say some weeks later she's not sure about the date (despite planning another vacation some time later than the time I wanted to come ), and I was already knowing she was playing that "waiting game". Do you all know the moment when you have realized you have already fucked up and no matter what you do, you can't stop a situation from failing? That was a situation like that.
It's so dangerous to love somebody too much, especially when you're so highly emotional and dependant like I am. I wished that she could have been be the princess that leads me out of the dark, and now I realize how stupid I was. There is no one who can help me except me, and I seriously can't expect someone I only met on the internet to seriously become close.
I always feared that ths would happen from the moment we started talking. I always remembered my English teacher saying: "Don't take compliments of Americans too serious, they are all like that." And that my fucking mind will ruin this. And I stated it sometimes, just to be calmed down by her sweet words. I remember that one letter I pinned on my wall (until I tore it into pieces today when I was angry earlier on) where she said why she likes me: I would be calm, funny, magic and she would have never felt a companionship like this. Well, either she lied or I am really good at fucking things up.
Now she said that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore via skype or chat, and I think I have to accept that I lost her as a friend. She still says she wants "to exchange mails", but the last two times we tried this she stopped answering after promising me "the next response will come much faster" and after saying she was "already responding." So I think these will be the last little heartbeats of a dying relation. Maybe my problem is that I take people too littreal. Maybe I have way too high expectations about at friendship. Maybe my dreams and my reality will never come together. Maybe I am just not a person anyone could like, love or care for.
It just hurts so much to lose every single relation that I ever had to this issues. But this black and white "love and affection" or "no talking at all" thing when sorting friendships in my head stucks in my head, even though I know it's insanely stupid. I just wish I could turn back time. But I don't know if I wished to never have met her or if I wished to find a possibility to not let things happen like they did.
The worst is, when I told her today that my mum may have cancer, she said that she is busy at work after saying some rhtorical things. That was the moment I knew I lost her. I currently try to throw everything that reminds me of her away, and this will be a very hurting process over the next weeks. But it'll be for the better, I think.
Anyway, do you have any tips on how I can avoid scenarios like this in the future? I know I will not be able to repair the thing between her and me, but hey, maybe I can avoid breaking my heart again in the future. I just want someone to accept me like I am.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Btw, I just joined a co-dependent anonymus group to try to get better.
TL;DR: I'm codependant and I didn't try to fight it and its symptoms, leading me to pushing the best friend I ever had too much and now she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
|
self.depression
|
What causes anxiety to arise when you were able to cope and function easily before? Back in college I was able to handle tons of tasks at once and just tackled them. It was easy. I was top in my class.
At some point after college things fell apart. So many things happened I can't really figure out the cause, which I hope would help me figure out the solution. Now I struggle a lot with simple things like focusing on tasks without getting anxious about them and shutting down. I went from top in my class to only getting by financially thanks to support from loved ones.
I've gotten better the past few months since admitting my anxiety had become a problem, but it's still an issue. Especially when multiple tasks come up. In fact, now that I'm writing about it, I think my anxiety may be to do with the knowledge that I always have other things to do so it makes it hard for me to think about what I'm doing right now. Even making a list only helps so much.
Anyway, if anyone could shed some light, I'd appreciate it. I'm trying my best to tackle this thing and plan to talk to my doctor (who has already suggested we look into my anxiety problems) the next time I see him.
Thanks a ton!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Go shawty it's my 25th birthday and everybody forgot (including me, until an automated carrier message reminded me) [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
In Pursuit of True Love I'm feeling a lot better today mainly because I have came upon a lot of conclusions about myself. I've been so emotionally closed for so long and I've been blind to it this whole time. Everything about me is lacking emotional expression even though I feel it on the inside. I am very capable of feeling these emotions yet I have not figured out a surefire method on how to learn to connect with other people. It's not just in my relationship but it's also with anyone I interact with. I've felt this darkness inside of me for a very long time and just haven't acknowledged it until the woman I love has opened my eyes and has made me realize what a brick wall I am on the outside. It's amazing to me how different perspectives are from within and without of yourself. Hopefully, I will be able to retain my former self and feel whole again. I have taken the proper first steps in acknowledging that I have problems and am now seeking further help and different methods upon restoring my happiness with myself. One must love themselves before they can truly love others.
|
self.depression
|
No I’m not a depressed drunk, I’m a depressed person who likes to get drunk My family recently stated concerns to my sister in law that they think I get depressed when I drink. It really resonated with me, not because I think they’re right but because they missed everything I’ve been trying to tell them.
I’ve directly and indirectly told them I suffer from depression and it largely shows when I get into depressive episodes, some of which happened while visiting them for the holidays. I like to drink, once a week or so in social events, and am very familiar with how I am drunk and know I’m actually a very social, outgoing person when I drink, unlike how I am normally.
Recently at a retirement party I mooched some drinks off my sister in law and was having a good fun time, but when we all got in the car things got tense, largely due to my very overbearing mother. I got stressed, killed my buzz, and quickly fell into an episode. The next day she talked to my sister in law who passed it on to me.
It’s probably because I don’t show it too often, and that there’s “nothing wrong in my life to make me depressed”. They’ve always shot down when I tell them about what’s really going on, and it’s clear they miss the point entirely.
Sorry for the rant, don’t really know how to go forward from here with them
|
self.depression
|
I never thought I would be the depressed teen who quietly sits with his headphones in during dinner out with the family [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Anxiety has ruined my life I have an obsessive fear that I have illnesses and disease. I refer to this as having 'health anxiety'. I always have a new symptom coming up in my body that i tend to google online to try and 'self diagnose'. I self-sabotage myself and it is almost like i enjoy feeling like this, but i do not. It is just all i have ever known in my adult life.
I've been to the many different doctors, probably about 20 times in the last 2.5 years. It is ruining my life and my loved ones. My wife seems to have ultimately lost respect for me, my friends no longer take me seriously, and I am constantly worrying and feeling gut-wrenching nervousness at all times worrying that i am developing symptoms of disease/illness. I've been on the brink of suicide many times, but that comes in spurts. I take anti-depressants, but honestly they do not ever seem to work for me. I tend to dull the pain by smoking an enormous amount of marijuana. This works as a band-aid for me, it only covers up the cuts and scrapes. Overall, I try to escape the horror and complete despair that goes on in my head 90 percent of the day. Thanks for reading, i had to vent.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Applied for the spring semester today! I took a semester out of high school, but had to leave because of my mind flipping shit occasionally due to my illness and "self medication." I've been more-or-less stable for a while now, so after 4 years I'm finally going back! I'm actually looking forward to something realistic for the first time in a very long time.
|
self.bipolar
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.