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Can't do it anymore. Tomorrow is the day that I decided for myself, to end it all. When I planned it I still had a little hope that maybe it'll get better till the time comes but nah its just getting worst. What hurts me the most is that the only person I care about doesn't even care.. I poured my heart out in front of them last night and all they said was " you are just over thinking ". I can't even describe what I felt when everything I said, all my pain and all my emotions were labelled as " overthinking" by the only person I have. When it'll all end they'll cry as if they cared but when I was Crying for help by showing what I feel they just said I'm overthinking everything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety: The Journey Outward Life is the greatest gift that we have received and we should be thankful every day for the opportunity to mold the world we live in. I believe that this a true thought in everyone’s mind at one point in their lives but often along the way many of us lose our way. It is never intentional and rarely do we realize that we are losing sight of this gift until we start asking, “how did I get here?” This question can be asked by a child in a dysfunctional home, by the high school student that made bad decisions jeopardizing their future, it can be asked by the young adult who is 10 years into a career that they have no connection too, or even the retiree pondering if they made a difference in their career. This question at many different stages in life will cause us to look inward and reflect on the decisions and different paths we took over others. How every different road could have completely changed our lives can be a crippling question and leave us paralyzed. The longer we ponder this question and go further into ourselves we trace back every meaningful moment and seek clarity and wonder how my life could be different if I did this one thing. This seeking of clarity takes us on a Journey Inward to understand ourselves and to make sense of our lives. As one travels, this path inside themselves it leads down a deep abyss that has infinite pathways that seemingly lead to nowhere at all. If you are like me you have found comfort in trying to find understanding and you have found crippling fear when you realize the time spent seeking but not living now. This can be a trap for anyone but especially those that live with anxiety, worry, or self-doubt. These are completely human and natural emotions but are difficult to talk about, especially when you are going through them. I have found personal struggle in trying to push past these emotions when all I want to do is give in. When all you want to do is be ok and be able to travel out of your conscious mind and be present with those around you. I find my truest moments and happiest moments are when I’m completely present and focused on what is specifically in front of me. I can recall moments like these in such clarity and live for a future when I can live my life consistently in the present. I shall title this pursuit as my “Journey Outward” and I invite each of you with me to be mindful of the past and future but live for right now. To live with purpose, to take intentional action, and to let decisions be made and referenced for future experiences and not be dwelled upon. I have decided to write this as a way of healing and will continue to do so as I fight my own personal battles but I know I’m not alone. I hope that others will share their stories and feelings so we can openly work together for the future we desire. Thank you for reading and for your support and I look forward to this outward journey to the present and my best self.
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self.Anxiety
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I poked myself when a knife. I'm scared of killing myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How to get over silly fear of allergy? Right now, I have a weird fear of food allergy. Whenever I try something new, be it medicine, food, dietary supplement, I honestly have it in the back of my mind that I will have an anaphylactic reaction to it. As far as I know, I’m not really allergic to anything except potentially bees. Currently trying to talk myself down bc I had mushrooms, which I never really eat but have in the past without issue. Of course, it’s a new different kind of mushroom that I’ve never had, so I’m fearing that any minute now my airway will spontaneously close.
How do you guys combat silly irrational health fears? I know my fears stem from living alone and being 45 minutes away from family and friends being busy- no one could save me if something happened to me.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm really confused First off, I tried killing myself but it didn't work, had 15 months of therapy and realized how relative everything is and how illogical being sad can be. I am someone that tends to overthink, reflect ALOT on myself and others to a point of near objectivity, have a thirst for knowledge (I want to understand not only know things), empathetic but also selfish (hate being shitty to anyone that doesn't deserve it but if I can have more ill take it), abuse substances (I take them with some logical thinking I.e most "safe" drugs but in moderation. Also it makes life easier to cope with).I have low self esteem since I'm half Indian and have been bullied for it in my childhood to a point at which I despise myself and see that race as inferior to whites. I do think that I am average in intellect but I strive to be perfect (impossible and even more so in my shoes) so that I can be better than others (my parents especially). I like to over dramatize things in my head and small things can derail my mood (I.e "I'm an idiot" "I will fail"). I tend to be extroverted and really want relationships and friends because I want most people to like me (I also don't like confrontation or enemies). I feel like life itself is worth living if you have the proper tools (gained through oneself or the environment), it can be beautiful but in most cases it isn't. Living and working 42h a week to sustain yourself is in my eyes illogical. Human systems are supposed to help us, make living easier but instead they constrict ourselves, diminish our true capabilites. We could all live the life worth living but instead we want to have what the other has, be shitty to ourselves and others, we can be compassionate but we fear of doing it. Everything a human can accomplish in this world at this time is for me, undesirable since you die anyway and in most cases, with accomplishing things you try to be better than others. I just feel like this world in particular is heading towards a future of pain and suffering and indulging myself in its activities seems pointless. I don't want to die... The act of dying frightens me I am unaware of death and its consequences (for me and for my friends and relatives, emotionally). If I could choose to not exist right now without dying i would do it. And please people, I've been there, I had the it's going to get better talk, and it helped and I know that things can get better but in my experience we live in constant change, to which we adapt and become familiar with. I have a future for sure, I could probably be successful but why strive for that? Why build a sandcastle just so it desinegrates into sea? Because the act is fun? Yes sure it is but what if you only got one hand, it makes it twice as hard and that's where I am, everything is twice as hard for me, I'm exhausted.
Please leave your thoughts down below :)
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have had Anhedonia for 3 full days now I really don't know what to do, this is the longest I've ever had it and it's driving me crazy. I feel really agitated and can't sit still, that's all I feel, I still don't feel anything. It's so hard to explain because obviously I can't feel emotion but it's this weird agitated feeling in my waist that won't go away...
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self.depression
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I try to practice dbt, I take my (four kinds of) meds regularly, keep social engagements, eat alright, exercise, and still my moods are crazy. It's mostly rampant anxiety. Ugh, this is exhausting.
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self.bipolar
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I'm not suited for any career? I don't fit in anywhere, my talents are mixed and don't align with anything? I want to go back to school but I don't know what I want and I don't have the money to just gamble on a random degree? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Short term memory loss... ....is fucking out of control!!! 😱😱😱
Been on Zoloft since I was 19 (more than a decade now) and I think it has wrecked my body in many ways.
One of them is my memory. I actually forget items in my hand and where I've reached in gym reps! Does anyone suffer from this stuff?
When my depression gets really bad I routinely pay for stuff, take my change and leave the item at the counter 🤦♂️
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self.depression
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DAE work in mental health? I work in an inpatient psych unit as a mental health specialist. I find it fascinating to be on the other side. What do you think of the experience? Do you hear stigmatizing things from your other coworkers? Are you open with them? Just curious to hear your thoughts.
Just some thoughts
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self.bipolar
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email/phone phobia Sometimes, I get scared about receiving emails or phone calls, other times, I get scared about writing emails or calling people.
I think it is because sometimes I have the desire to achieve something, so I get anxious, and this phobia gets real bad.
It makes my stomach twitch, breathe gets a bit difficult, and even nausea happens.
How can I relieve this.
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self.Anxiety
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The only person that made me happy is now gone and I don't know what to do [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sigh...I have everything I ever wanted, but I'm not happy, and in fact feel worse. Is this depression? I've never considered I could be depressed, until very recently after speaking to a friend about her depression.
For most of most of my life, from a teen to 33, I've had bouts of utter sadness/despair where I feel like I'm not good enough or ever will be.
But it was always in small doses and usually I could be cheered up fairly easily. What helped a lot was looking forward to watching sports, videogames, nice food and time with close friends. It helped, it always helped, but it was fleeting.
Today at 33, I'm married to a gorgeous and wonderful woman. She really is a beauty, and everyone assumes she's a trophy wife, except for that fact she's an engineer and has a very popular blog. We have a wonderful flat, envy of many of our friends. We've got adorable dogs.
Our social life is ok, not great (we've moved to a new city and lost touch gradually with old friends), but we're both sociable and usually never spend a week without a social activity with friends.
I've got a decent career and make twice what someone my age usually gets. My wife and I together earn just over £150K/year before taxes.
We travel a lot, workout a lot, eat healthily, socialize, sleep fairly well (at least 7 hours most nights)..........but that crippling sadness still lingers in me.
I find myself sad and withdrawn a lot for no specific reason.
It's especially bad when I come back to my home country for Christmas and I see everyone I used to be close to seeming so happy and content without a care about me.
Right now, I'm particularly down about how one of my friends has been toward me. I got him a one of kind (took some effort to find it too, had to get in contact with the band's tour manager) amazing item from his favorite band. We weren't able to meet before Christmas, but today I saw him and he opened the gift and showed little to know appreciation, barely looked at it and then was on his phone 90% of the time, barely asked anything about me or my life. Then left in a hurry saying one his friends wanted to catch a movie with him and he didn't wanna be late.
Now that's a specific reason to be sad, but I've been very down recently and maybe it is my self esteem that's low too, but seeing how not just him, but so many people that I thought were important to me, have just ignored me. It hurts.
I didn't mean to rant, it's just my lingering sadness is getting worse.
I'm afraid to tell my wife, she's had mental health issues and is finally getting better and I don't want to set her back or burden her.
My best friend, the one who opened up to me about her depression, is my confidant right now and she is helping tremendously. Just knowing she understands helps.
Does anything really fix this though? i just want to feel carefree and not sad/worried/anxious all the time.
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self.depression
|
Text therapy This is my first post on reddit. Sorry in advance if it’s a bit wordy. I don’t have an official diagnosis, but after a lot of reading about it, I am pretty sure I suffer from anxiety. I have always known there’s something not quite right going on for me, but never been sure what it is. I try to manage my mental health with a healthy lifestyle- minimal coffee and alcohol, plenty of exercise and vegetables. I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue by a naturopath about 18 months ago (in hindsight- it was likely just a period of severe anxiety) as I couldn’t sleep and was having panic attacks all the time. I don’t usually have regular panic attacks, but I knew what they were because I have suffered panic attacks as a symptom of servers migraines (I don’t get those often anymore). Most of the time my anxiety is under control now, however as soon as I deviate from my “healthy lifestyle@ everything falls apart. For example, I had a night out with my finance and friends on the weekend and I am still struggling mentally from it. I’ve also read a lot about “hangxiety” being when your anxiety is increased by the effects of coming down from a big night out, and it is defiantly a problem for me, but I am finding myself really taking a beating even when I only have a few drinks (presumably not enough to warrant a full on melt down like when I’ve been drinking from dusk til dawn). At this point the solution seems simple- just stick to my healthy lifestyle and look after myself. But the problem is. I can’t. I always fall off the wagon at some point. and I can’t cope with it. I hate myself so much when it happens and it’s just a cycle of being okay, then being a complete mess. It effects my job. It definitely effects my relationship. And quite honestly, I’m 23 and I just want to enjoy my life. I understand I should be looking after myself, but I also want to be able to enjoy a night out with friend without all this added ness. I’m just sick of feeling this way all the time. I just want to be normal.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this here- I guess I need to get it out. I have downloaded an app and am staring “text therapy” where you c an text a therapist. I know it’s probably not as good as seeing a therapist face to face, but I don’t think I’m ready for that, so this feels like a good place to start. Does anyone have any tips/suggestions? Thank you for reading if you made is to the end!
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self.Anxiety
|
Even if I'd improve in all aspects, that would never be a guarantee to get together with my crush. If there just was a guarantee I'd atleast know that my efforts wouldnt be wasted...
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self.depression
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I feel like I'm living in the wrong timeline I work a really mundane job that doesn't test my intellect, I don't have a mother anymore and whenever I try to devote my time to actually working on myself or trying out a practical hobby I always end up giving up. I'm a complete failure. I feel like there must have been a point in my life where a decision I made caused my life to go this way. Like maybe if I'd made a different decision sometime in the past, things would be a lot better. Like a butterfly effect of sorts.
I don't know which part of my life caused this. Maybe I could have stopped my mother from dying and we could have lived together properly and she could have turned things around herself and I would have had a fulfilling job and we could have supported each other. I really miss her. I don't miss her alcoholism or narcissism but she was still my mother and I spent so much time trying to keep her in my life only to have her kill herself. Maybe that is the path I should take. What if I am meant to kill myself? My life is going to continue to feel less and less meaningful until I finally take the plunge and do it. It could be a sign that it is what I should do.
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self.depression
|
I legitimately believe I will kill myself after I receive a certain test back. So yeah tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I know that I will receive a graded paper in maths. Basically, this being my final year before university, every single grade counts tremendously, and I am convinced that I have done a very shitty job on this particular test.
This will fuck up my future, as it has already (along with a series of other bad results) completely ruined my self esteem, and about anything else that could give me an ounce of happyness.
Long story short, grades got me into depression.
I feel that I am reaching the end of my will to live. If I am right, and the grade is indeed shitty, I feel that I will without doubt kill myself, probably using a knife.
I've never told this much to anyone, because I sincerely believe that nobody truly cares and I don't want to be a burden to anyone. What should I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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idk why he's like this A while back my boyfriend and I were friends with a VERY toxic group of guys on PSN. This one guy, who we'll call Johnny, was the most crude, most loud, most annoying one out of the group would always say that he was depressed, lonely, suicidal, etc., but none of the guys would address it. There would be a period of silence and then the topic would change.
I decided to listen to this guy, be there for him and help him out to the best of my ability but I soon realized that him venting/ranting was toxic towards me and I just couldn't handle the "friendship". I became stressed out because I couldn't confront him about how I couldn't handle it, knowing he'd freak out on me. So I ghosted him. This upset him and Johnny started drama within the group. He spread rumors about me and my bf. So bf and I didn't address anything and just blocked the entire group on everything.
Fast forward two years.... Johnny adds both the boyfriend and I to a fb group chat called "Breaking watgoinon's back" which consisted of making fun of bf and I, how I sent nudes to Johnny in the shower (never happened btw), and how they want to gang rape me but want to ask my bf first so he won't get pissed off if he sees me getting gang-banged.
The one time we replied to say we would be taking legal action if this were to continue further, he called us cats (you know what I mean), that we only got help from our parents and didn't know what being independent was like. He doesn't feel sorry for us because both of our dads rape us daily (this did not happen, it's just what he said), in fact he would encourage the rape. When we didn't reply to his obscene, defensive texts, he said that he's glad he finally put us kids back in our places and that the god (referring to himself) has spoken...
I don't understand. I was there for this guy when nobody was. I didn't expect any reciprocation in that friendship, and I still don't expect anything. But why harass us like that? I was someone he confided into and told so many dark, deep things to. I still keep those secrets just because it's the respectable thing to do.
I feel awful for him. He's been depressed for such a long time and yet he's still bullying others, even those that haven't done much, if any, harm to him. Sure, I could've confronted him back then but I was 17. I was a very non-confrontational person back then.
It's just... how could one have so much hate in their system to be so cruel to others? Does involving themselves in this kind of behavior make them feel more "manly"? He knows nothing about us, what we've been through, and what we have planned out. I guess it's just a waste of time to dwell on it.
Sorry it's such a long post guys. Thanks for reading :)
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self.offmychest
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What do you do to feel better? I've struggled with depression for a while, not much really helps but sometimes things make me forget, like playing PC with my friends, or getting lost in music.
I'm not expecting some miracle cures, just curious, what do you guys do to feel better or distract yourself?
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self.depression
|
Life Lesson Number 1: Life Sucks! I am telling this story to literally get it off my chest, because it has been very tight lately...
I am 19 years old, male. I come from a small town in Bulgaria, a country located in Southeastern Europe. However, I moved to the capital city, Sofia, 1 month ago.
Last year, I attended university for 2 months, but due to financial constraints, and due to the fact that I felt like I was not going to learn much while spending my parents' money when they are not wealthy.
Currently, I am employed as a translator, which is a job that I enjoy doing even though it won't make me rich, but 4 months ago I was fooled into an back-office administrative position in a factory, hoping to do translation because of my foreign language proficiency. Well, the job can be described as "production coordinator/organizer/assistant", whatever you would prefer... Eager to do translation as part of the job, I learned a bit more about yarns and knitwear. And indeed, it involved translation of technical texts (even a user's manual for a plotting machine) occasionally and even verbal interpretation (once)... But it also included order entry in an ERP system, following correspondence, ordering production materials (twice), emailing partners of the firm regarding the production (including translation of technical production manuals) and of course, the worst part - staying for 12+ hours on a Saturday (6-day work week) night pulling out packing lists out of a printer which not only made my heart pound uncontrollably, but also made me hate my life.
I got the job in mid-July and left at the end of September. Before that, since I lived in a small town with high unemployment and serious demographic and economic issues, I could not get any job... And by "any" I mean retail, supermarket jobs, flyer boy, croupier, bartender, waiter, etc. They all expected experience from a 19-year-old boy...
So yeah, fast forward to July, I got this job hoping to do translation... Which was only one piece of the puzzle, because employers, especially in Bulgaria, put serious requirements for dumb positions and even merge multiple positions in one. In this case, this position basically made me a boy-for-everything, which crushed my soul and made my depression even worse (I was depressed because I was hoping to get into a technical program but my mathematical ability was not good enough for university level Mathematics), I even started crying occasionally back at home for letting myself become a "dumb secretary", while this job was something like a substitute for a "Production Director" (without the "director" part), because even though it was administrative in itself, I had to calculate how many pieces of certain styles could be produced with the available yarn and make a production plan once, etc.
I used to create memes and upload them to YouTube in the summer, as a way to cope with depression...
I am now done with depression.
I am living at a friend's apartment because I first need to stabilize myself and then find a place to live in the following months. Also, here accommodation is a bit costly so I might have to spend half of my monthly salary for a small place, but I have promised myself that I will not be a slave anymore and that is the most important thing at this point...
I have started a job as an actual translator and am enjoying it. Even though I am no longer depressed, I feel like I am suffering from some sort of an anxiety disorder - be it PTSD, GAD, or whatever... I feel the pain in my chest, the palpitations from time to time, the intestinal problems, etc. Sometimes my thoughts are kind of negative, and of course there is the "What if?" question... At least I counter that with some positive thoughts and the joke "Life Lesson Number 1: Life Sucks!"
Is there a way to forget about this traumatic experience? Or at least feel a bit better... Or a bit less insecure (I actually cope with this sometimes)... Or at least stop overthinking and going back... I do talk normally and even laugh now, but my body seems to still be suffering...
Is there a way out of this?
This was also posted on [/r/AnxietyDepression](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxietyDepression/).
Thank you for reading this long story, if you actually took the time...
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self.Anxiety
|
What’s so great about life anyway? So many people say “life is so great” and “I love life”. For me it’s just pain and struggle. So why do people put up with it? The cons are definitely outweighing the pros at this point.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like I don't know who I am anymore [deleted]
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self.depression
|
An Idiot trying to buy Tickets So, throwaway account because I don't want my shame to follow me.
I am just sitting here reflecting on my total an utter idiocy, over trying to surprise my girlfriend for her birthday. I am honestly at a loss for words over how stupid and self sabotaging I have been. So it starts quite a while ago when I these tickets for band my girlfriend really likes came out, she was really excited about it and one of the touring dates lines up almost exactly with her birthday. So I think great, stupidticketshit, you've totally lucked out there, all you have to do is buy two tickets and then be like "oh sorry - they all sold out and I couldn't get any" and then BAM surprise I her close to her birthday with the tickets - best boyfriend award right here!
Only part of the problem was that I was on the ticket website and thrashing the F5 key like a madman but still all of the tickets are taken up within about 5 minutes!
Over the next few weeks/month I scour the interwebs for tickets eventually find a pair! They're right at the back but they are legit and I have them!
Happy ending right? Everyone gets what they want, we can all go home happy? But no, I see a little clause called event insurance, basically allowing me return the tickets for whatever reason, I only way £5. Well this is great, I can carry on looking for better tickets, maybe even standing tickets, but still have these ones as a safety. I'm a genius! This idea is fool proof! But it wasn't because I am fool and I fucked it up.
I tell some people at work about my search for these tickets and someone suggests a site called Viagogo. If you have heard of this site I am sure you know where the story is going. I find the tickets I am looking for immediately. They're expensive! But what does that matter! I spend £200 on these two tickets, that's find I will get the money back for other ones, not too bad. Until these tickets arrive. They have someone elses name on them, which is odd, they also have a little message on them saying that the "lead booker must provide ID" The lead booker being the person whose name is on the ticket. Literally unusable.
I contact the customer service, no one will speak to me. Through browsing the FAQs I see that the only way you can return them, or get a semblance of your money back is to resell them. Just reading this back I can't believe what an absolute asshat I have been, I decide to resell them. Paragon of intellect that I am I don't read the fine print until after I sell them. Just once more.
UNTIL I SELL THEM.
Who the fuck is this moron?! I am beyond annoyed at myself for being this dull. Basically the find print says that if there is a problem with the tickets I will not receive any money. So I didn't have to sell them I could have just waited until after the show had ended and gotten my money back, but being the fucknut that I am, I decided to make myself liable rather than the person that bought these tickets from. I tried to cancel the sale but I was informed that I would be liable for a charge if I did, I let it go too far. So now it looks like I won't be getting the money back I paid for these tickets.
EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY HAD FUDGING TICKETS!!
Now I looking to see if I can buy a fake ID for these tickets with this guys name on them that I can send along with these tickets.
I have been in contact with the customer service but heard nothing yet. I just feel so dumb because I have no one to blame but myself, and I think I really need to sort out my spending attitudes because I just seem to be making poor choice after poor choice lately leaving me with less and less money.
Thank you for reading my crazed thoughts! It has made me feel much better thank you!
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self.offmychest
|
The end of 2017 sucked My bank account got shut down, I lost my apartment, was informed my job will no longer exist by April, too sick to go to any new years parties, etc. How can I have any faith that 2018 will be any better when things that aren't my fault keep going wrong??? At this point I'm so paranoid that something else will go wrong that I have no control over that I don't even want to do anything anymore. What's the point in even trying when the universe just exists to screw me over?
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self.depression
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Anxiety- Do I look at going back on citalopram? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My anxiety kept me up the entire night before an interview for a dream job and i got it [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Trauma Hey. There is something really wrong with me. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have tendencies to be really abusive. It always happens with romantic partners. I've never had a healthy relationship in my life. I get over depended on my significant other. I get manipulative, jealous and sometimes even controlling. It scares me. It's because I love them. Because I'm scared they might leave me. Because I'm not good enough. There's no other way to keep them around. I'm so disgusted by myself. When my ex left me I threatened him and kept texting him and abuse him emotionally, I'd harm myself in order to get his attention, his love. I don't know what is wrong with me. I've heard issues like this usually come with a childhood trauma. But there's nothing traumatising I can remember. My childhood was nearly perfect. I experienced some minor bullying when I was little but that's it. Is there something more to it or am I just a horrible person?
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self.depression
|
Anxiety during Audition so hello everyone just few minutes ago i was in a model audition in japan. So first of all my background is chinese-indonesian i haven’t got anxiety in a while so i figure might as well try something ive been dying to try since i was a kid . well my agency told me to go cs i fit the “look” bc theyre searching for “non japanese asian” models. WELL FK WHEN I GOT THERE EVERYONE WAS JAPANESE IN THE WAITING ROOM I WAS SO FRIKIN ANXIOUS N AWKWARD CS EVERYONE WAS TALKING IN JAPANESE (i can understand japanese bt i was too shy to talk to them cs japanese has an accent). Sooo when i got into the audition room (srsly wanted to cry) there was 5 frikin people mann n they were rlly nice tho but woww i was so shocked at the amount of ppl tht i legit had tears. they ask me in japanese bt i can answer tho its obvious i was worked up n nervous. welp at the end they said i was very small n they ask my agency to pls do a better search of models cs i was too white to look non-japanese fk me. i’ll update if i got chosen tho its less than 1%. sigh sometimes i wonder if i rlly am not supposed to do the things i want to do cs i get so worked up. gonna cry now lmao
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self.Anxiety
|
I just spent a whole year working on fixing up my depression, and one incident just pushed me back into the pot of boiling water. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Why should I improve myself if I don't have a goal? People tell me to go outside or go to the gym, but why? What's the end goal?
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self.depression
|
High functioning High functioning for me, is like flowers for algernon. Where he gains intelligence but the experiment fails and he becomes aware enough to realize his intelligence is fading away but he can't do anything but ride it out and learn to accept himself.
It's also like watching a car crash in slow motion. But you're the car and the bystander and you're helpless in both positions. And when it does crash, you're the sad remains of the accident until you can get up and dust yourseld off again.
I am currently the car and the bystander. I'm glad I'm seeing my therapist today. I've had the same nightmare 3 times this month. Last night and the night before were the nightmare and the first one earlier this month.
When I get like this I feel like I need meds to get me through. And when it's over, I feel a breath of fresh air. It's rather confusing. Why can't I just BE. Why does this roller coaster have to be me? I feel like I'm falling in a hole I can't climb out of but I know I will. I always do. I'm just tired of falling down all the time.
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self.bipolar
|
My EMOTIONS ARE BACK!!! So I've been under an incredible amount of stress lately from all sorts of things. School, work, fights with my parents, my car's parts all seemingly deciding to break down one after the other...
So, Wednesday evening I had a mental breakdown. I have an anxiety disorder, and I've been stressed and basically running myself ragged for a while now... It was bound to happen, but what was different *this time* was that I suddenly lost my ability to feel any emotions except for anxiety and dread. For. *Days.*
This was an issue as I went to meet my long-distance boyfriend for the first time (we made it official!!!) and I honestly couldn't tell whether I liked him in person. But I was super comfortable with him and we cuddled so I used logic to deduce that my emotions were in there somewhere running the show from behind the scenes. Anyway...
Since yesterday, I've had an insane string of bad luck, one after the other, plus all the pressure came back as soon as I got into town. Literally walked into the door when my project group was like "you gotta get this done like ASAP!!!" Broke down sobbing in my car an hour later when I went out again to go buy a new headlight bulb.
But... I went to my friend's house to have him help me replace my broken headlight bulb, only for the other to go out as I was driving there, which was really awkward because cars kept flashing their lights at me (like, yeah, I know, guys!), then we couldn't figure out how to get the bulbs out, but we finally got one out (I'm getting another bulb for the other one tomorrow), and then we went and got food, and I finally had some time when I didn't have to think about all the pressure I'm under...
AND MY EMOTIONS STARTED COMING BACK ON THE DRIVE HOME!!! Oh my god, you guys, so many *feelings*. I then had to help a friend with something else, and I talked to my other friend, and I just got into my room and realized I felt *happy*, which is something I haven't felt since Wednesday. I'm so thrilled!!! And I can finally listen to a romantic/feelsy song without freaking out, which is amazing!! And I love my boyfriend and ahhhh things are gonna be good for at least the next few minutes, and I have a plan on how to proceed!!! :D
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self.offmychest
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I'm feeling really fucking sad and really fucking angry instead of not really feeling anything at all. Is this an improvement or signs of worseing? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Don't make friends on the internet. If you think that making friends via the internet is worth it, think again, because the people that I used to know in 2013-2014 became arrogant dickheads, and attracted to fictional characters.
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self.offmychest
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Just failed a suicide attempt I feel as though I have nothing else to do at this point, I don't think I'm ever gonna get anywhere in life and I'm just terrified of the future
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self.depression
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I think the window for us to one day get married has closed. My SO and I have been together for 7 years living together for 5 and we're in our late 20s early 30s.
And we just never talked about getting married ever. Not hypothetically, no offhand "If we got married we should..." type of comments. No daydreaming of it together. I tried to a little a couple years back but it wasn't met positively and he never initiated on his own so I waited and waited. And it just never happened.
And I think because of this our romance has stagnated and the passion kinda died out?
And I asked him, though he denies it now, why he never brought up that type of future stuff and he said it was because he just didn't think about it.
Now I just don't see him as someone I'd marry because I only want to marry someone that would be excited and happy to marry me and he isn't that person.
But now he seems upset about that but nothing has changed.
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self.offmychest
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I guess death isn’t such a bad thing, after all.(Just needed to get it off my chest after all these years) Im 16 years old finishing my first school, stepping into gymnasium soon (if i make it) ive had undiagnosed a.d.d for years.. depression ive had about 2-3years, and i feel like depression is apart of me....i dont remember the day when i was okay, but it gets “better”.. a year ago i found a friend like never before he was intelligent, he understood me and my wanting for suicide, he always supported me, we had planed our life almost together, but he died 4months ago.... due to drowning, my only....trustable.....rational friend...
2months ago my uncle died.. we weren’t that close, but still.
8months ago my German friend died... due to suicide and family abuse...
Now back to me..(u can skip this part)
Ive been suicidal for about 3.5months now.. i think i am too weak for this life... or has just life turned a back on me?
1) 2 teachers mentally bullying me, ive talked to the school headmaster but he told me there is no replacement for those teacher and that he knows about it...
And only things im good at are: English,Physics,Math,Science; all other i dont have interest or i suck at em’..
2)my school days are 8.00-16.30 i go home i study for the rest of the night sometimes even skipping sleep..
3)my family abuses me cus i dont workout (had a knee injury and it still hasn’t fully healed so its painful for me to bend my knee); when i come home from school i feel tired af and just fall onto my bed and sleep and i get awaken by my parents angry at me for not studying...
But im fucking mentally dead after school...
when i study til its really late i also get blamed for not sleeping
When i go to sleep early but i dont study as much i get blamed for having shit grades...
Dafuq am i supposed to do..
I feel like i am a disappointment to my family both parents finished school with straight A’s and mom with doctors degree
Also.. i used to be poor but my mother brought us out of it.. and im thankful. But she thinks im not?? :/
Like i really feel like the most rational thing is death;suicide cus being a disappointment to everyone fucking hurts so bad to me.. i don’t even enjoy the things i used to enjoy.. all fading away........
Also i do not drink alcohol;or do any other drugs;
I do smoke from time to time//not addicted, I’m a very controlled user..
*needed to get this off my chest*
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is this anxiety or something more serious .? Hyy I am 22, male..new here...I had dengue fever 1 month ago and got treated for it.i took a lot of stress for it. After few days I started feeling lightheaded,tightness in the head, headache, shaky, sometimes pins and needles, irregular heartbeat, chest pounding, jumping on bed while sleeping..some symptoms went away, but from last 7 days I am feeling dizzy all the time ,feel off balance while walking ,muscle twitching, mild headaches, numbness in hand, fatigue, muscle weakness/stiffness...?? I do have a very weak heart in terms of my health issues. Sorry for Bad English
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self.Anxiety
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IT WONT GO AWAY! I have been in episodes back to back. I just feel like laying bed under the covers I can’t live like this I feel stuck. I have a 1 year old daughter I’m her main caretaker I have to get better! It’s so hard just feels like I’m sitting in this moment and the world is moving on. Help me help myself. Why won’t it go away?!
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self.depression
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Is this where i put this? i'm putting it here anyway. Going to be 36 within the month, unemployed for 8 years, haven't had any type of relationship for 8 years, lived with my mother for the past 8 years. Have a highschool diploma and have no idea how to grow outside of myself. I am so alone, so saddened and have the hardest time even forcing myself to leave the house, maybe once a month or every two. This weird fucking rash appeared on my forehead and cheeks, which isn't helping when i do try to leave the house and i have no insurance.
i just.... i want more, so much more. I've never had that desire, push or dream to be better. Goals or hobbies were never a force in my mind. Their seeds never planted and grew.
I wasn't always so secluded. I had jobs, relationships, friends. Then i lost friends to a move, my relationship to distance and stupidity when she moved with me. Then my job when we moved back to our home state. When that didn't work out, i moved back to where i was, closer to family. Then everything just.... felt lost. Has been lost ever since. Blah
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self.offmychest
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SO with Depression Hi everyone my wife(31) and I (28) have been married 4 years, we don't have children. My wife has depression and an auto immune disorder. I do my best all the time to support her through finishing her bachelors and at home. after work i will cook, clean, Encourage her, and give her back rubs, foot rubs etc. She has a hard time connecting emotionally when she is sad or in pain physically which is most of the time. Our sex life is so null and void, intimacy only happens a few times a month. I am really struggling to get any emotional fulfillnent if I am always giving 100%.
I understand how hard it is for her and I want to help and I constantly do. But I feel like I am left with nothing too look forward too. My needs get turned down or pushed aside or just simply rejected frequently and I know that my wife can't help it and ordinarily would be able to reciprocate better. But I don't look forward to coming home anymore. I feel guilty even writing this but it scares me to think that the rest of my life will be so one sided. Party of me wants better for me but again I feel guilty for thinking selfishly. I love her but I am burnt out and the thought of being over whelmed constantly and forever feels like a prison sentence. I don't know how to weather the storm and keep on keeping on.
I expect some backlash because all the posts here people are asking how to be a better SO. But please believe me that although this post is mostly me venting about me, I give my wife 100% of my abilities. I guess I am searching for some people who have felt this or know how to get through the tough spots. I secretly want someone to tell me it comes and goes and wont always be like this even though I know this disease doesn't work like that. I am scared that I am a selfish asshole for wanting to escape being a life long caregiver, I am scared that as much I want a different life my wife deserves way better than me and I am not cut out it.
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self.depression
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Non sedating & non Benzo anti anxiety Meds that anecdotally worked well for you? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Missing memories My friend recently told me of something that happened in the past and it feels impossible to me that it happened. It's something simple and silly and doesn't really matter but it's driving me crazy that it feels absolutely false to me. He says I borrowed a game from him to play with my students at school and then I returned it with missing pieces. This feels impossible because: 1) I didn't know he owned this game. 2) I don't remember ever borrowing a game from him for any reason. 3) I don't remember ever playing that game with students. 4) I'm usually super paranoid about losing pieces and would have been careful not to and these were big, obvious pieces that were missing.
Is my memory that messed up? Has this ever happened to you? That even when retold details you can't recall even a speck of familiarity about the time, place, people, situation, nothing?
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self.bipolar
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I took a math exam today and actually felt confidence for once. Since I've become depressed, I haven't felt confident in myself for years. Today I walked out of a math exam feeling like I was the master and that maybe I don't suck that much.
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self.depression
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I don’t want to be here anymore I’m 24 years old and all my life I’ve dealt with my family issues. My dad died when I was younger and left me and my sister to take care of my mother despite her trying her best to take care of us. I didn’t go to college and I haven’t had an opportunity to meet someone that understands me or would want to deal with my bullshit. I learned that he used to do cocaine when he was in a band when he was younger and he got hooked on the feeling of whatever that took away from him. He injured his back at work to the point that he couldn’t run and play with us when we were really young, so he thought he could resolve that by taking a higher dose of his morphine or Vicodin medication that was his doctor prescribed. It got to the point where we had to give him his pills and watch him take them. Little did we know he would hide them under his tongue and then put them in a napkin until he had enough to take at once to be on a good one. I found him dead in the morning when I tried waking him up to take my sister and I to school.
Since then I’ve been forced to grow up quick and I’ve done nothing but put everyone I love and care for before me. When I first felt like I was a lost cause and wouldn’t be missed, I took a few of my mother’s pain medications and downed it with some southern comfort. I didn’t take enough but when I woke up I thought that what I did was selfish and how ashamed I was that I could even bother doing that to the people that care about me. Now I’m sitting here wondering if anyone does. I’ve thrown up signs and I’ve told someone that I don’t want to live anymore.
What hurts the most is when I meet someone who considers me her best friend, someone who notices when I’m not myself and tries to talk to me, and replies with “Don’t get mad at me but I think you should talk to a professional”. I’m new to this. I’m new to finally having someone to consider a friend. Someone to at least talk to, someone that I’ve done everything in my capacity for just because they asked and I cared. Here I am asking for an outlet, someone I hope that cares enough about me to listen and be there for me when nobody else is.
All I want is someone to show that they care. Please. This is killing me more than anything I’ve ever experienced and I don’t want to live anymore. I can’t keep giving everyone all of me just to be tossed aside when I’m done building them back up. My family, my friends, everyone I’ve ever had a relationship with or bonded with has left me and I’m afraid of being left alone again.
How do I fix this? How can I stop feeling like this?
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self.SuicideWatch
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The thing I hate most is no longer enjoying things I used to love. I feel like I no longer have any hobbies. There is a whole bunch of things I used to enjoy not even that long ago, but when I do them now I still feel empty inside and I am unable to find any joy in them. I miss being able to read a book, watch a movie, go on a walk, and many other things. When I try now I just end up more depressed on how I just feel empty.
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self.depression
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Fantasize about killing myself Dont think I am suicidal, but the thought of just disapearing feels very good sometimes. Obviously I cant because of family but without the pain it would cause them and my will to live it probably wont happen anytime soon.
I think if I would do it id probably travel somewhere beautiful and backpack until money ran out, then sit down somewhere isolated and beautiful until i die.
I've been fantasizing about this for like 3 months I dont think my meds are working because I shouldnt have to feel like this.
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self.offmychest
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Point in life? Things have been tough recently and I'm sure that I will end my life within several months. Just wanted to post this thought. Just an idea not a dark story or anything.
So you grow up, find a job, make a family, die but you pass on your genes to the next generation. Process repeats till humanity dies out by killing themselves or the massive star thing smashes into the rock. Basically, if God doesn't exist there is no point in living.
If God does exist... We live some years on a rock doing our thing and if we're good we go to a nice place but if we're bad we go to a bad place. Sounds OK but we're still missing something. If this 'good place' is a place where we can have fun eternally it doesn't quite work out. There is no way of enjoying something without knowing what the opposite is. This would apply vice versa to a bad place.
Some other theories: reincarnation... The same cycle goes on and on forever with no reason. Again quite pointless. We are the building blocks of something bigger... Would mean that we aren't really living for ourselves but as slaves for something greater as an expendable little creature.
If you ever look at life in a deeply thought out way it always leads to the fact that its simply pointless. The only argument against that is to not think about everything too much. But that's just avoiding the whole issue and going on as if there is none. Sounds very much like a robot programmed to do what its master says without question. The thing that keeps us living is our ego. The idea that we are worth something big would keep us living because we would believe that life is truly worth something. If we had no ego... We might as well just kill ourselves because there is simply no point. If anybody has found a hole in what I've said please point it out because I'm running out of reasons to live.
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self.SuicideWatch
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New therapist yesterday and she says to get medication So I talk to my new therapist yesterday for the first time and she says I need to take medication. I’m only 13 years old and my mom says it will be too much for someone of my age. But the anxiety is too bad and I have told her but she still denies it. My therapist says that medication and therapy are the best outcome. It sucks because my parents are divorcing and my brother has a drug problem and things really aren’t looking too good. My therapist tells me that I’m only 13 years old and to completely ignore what my mom says about my dad but it’s literally impossible. My mom has told me he’s a rat and all this shit that he’s been cheating on her and it’s really getting to me. Do you guys have any suggestions? Should I be taking meds?
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self.Anxiety
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I can't get rid of my dark past and I am scared it might haunt me one day. In the past (1-2 years ago) I was really annoying and flirty. As a result I piss a lot of people off and have been ostracized in a lot of clubs because I was too flirty and annoying.
I pissed off a couple of people really badly by being really annoying and flirty and I am having trouble sleeping at night because of this.
How do I stop thinking about all the cringey and annoying things I have done?
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self.depression
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:) Last night when we were in bed, my BF and I were joking around and being weird as we usually do. I asked him something like if it would be easier for him if I was normal, and he said "no, because I fell in love with YOU!" We've been together for 2 years and this is the first time he's mentioned falling in love. Ugh, I'm on top of the world right now and just needed to tell someone!
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self.offmychest
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I didn't report a sexual assault, now my attacker is in the news Anon account, I appreciate that there is a place to get this out.
Several years ago I was working at a promotional event with some minor celebrities in attendance. While there, I asked for one person's autograph. This person grabbed me, put his hand down my pants and underwear. They grabbed at me right there at the event, and held me there
There were people that could see this as it happened, my manager saw. When I pushed this person off of me no one said anything except one person made a joke about the "celebrity" taking a liking to me. I was just out of high school, scared, embarrassed-- and everyone told me to play it off. The person that had recently had their hand down my pants laughed and made a little joke about it.
The person that assaulted me has recently been added to the growing list of celebrities facing sexual harassment claims. All of those feelings from that night keep coming back. I see this person's face constantly, people at work won't stop talking about the latest news story- it's inescapable. I feel like I failed. Like if I had said something maybe other people wouldn't have been terrorized after me. What happened to me happened more than 10 years ago- how many others did this happen to?
I feel sick. I feel sick over what happened to me and I feel sick over what probably happened to others. I keep remembering what this person did to me, and looking at it ten years later I realize how wrong this person was, how it wasn't okay. I felt so small. I'm broken, I feel alone, I just keep trying to make it through work without people noticing how upset I am. It isn't working but I can't tell them why I'm so off. I just make an excuse to leave the conversation. No one knows that this happened to me, and I don't think I'm ready to tell them. Posting here was a huge step for me so, thanks.
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self.offmychest
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I am very new to this community and I need help with something I don’t know how to handle. Hey guys I’m caleb I’m new to this group (not trying to make this sound like an AA meeting). I thought I should join because there has been a lot I’ve been going through that really has left me in a shell it feels like to be completely honest. I’ve never really had bad depression or anything but I’ve always had pretty bad anxiety. Recently I just got out of a pretty heart wrenching, unfortunately manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship that ended with my SO trying to commit suicide when I gave into letting go of the relationship after constant threats of breaking up with me. I haven’t been able to find the right place to be able to talk about it so I decided to join one of these groups. It has really really effected me and life is just putting me down. I appreciate anyone and everyone in this group that takes the time to read this and know a little bit about me.
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self.depression
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Does anyone else have mostly manic/hypomanic episodes? I don't have very many depressive episodes, and when I do they're rarely long or intense. When they are they beat me down to being non-functional, I have no idea how some of you guys do it.
Anyways, I have way more manic episodes. I'd say probably 80% manic/hypomanic/mixed to 20% depressed. I don't generally crash into depression after mania, I generally bounce back into another manic episode days later instead or mixed.
I'm just kind of wondering if anyone else doesn't deal with depression so much. Reading through here and the other bipolar subs it really sounds like the primary problem for most people is depression.
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self.bipolar
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I'm convinced I have cancer but know one takes me seriously, not even doctors. My symptoms feel so real to me. I feel like just giving up. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Do you guys have tips on overcoming anxiety? I used to be a pretty social person until 2015, when I moved to a new county. Not knowing the language or anyone turned me into a really shy and closed person, and now, two years later a can barely text people without having to think about what I’ll sent for at least 5 minutes. I get nervous just by opening the texts. I also don’t like the way I look, but am afraid to change my hair or clothes and have people make fun of me. I know most people don’t even pay attention to what others are wearing, but I still can’t get that ideas out of my mind. Do you guys have any tips on overcoming those thoughts and being more social?
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self.Anxiety
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Me and my boyfriend of 8 months broke up. I got diagnosed in this relationship and I don't know how to deal with it. Me (22F) and my BF (26M) broke up two days ago after being together for almost 8 months. I am not going into too much detail but we still love each other, he just felt stuck in the relationship because it wasn't exciting anymore. I was okay with that because I was with him, he wasn't. I am broken but I want him to be happy.
But now the issue: i was diagnosed with hypochondria during our relationship. I already had GAD which got worst because of my hypochondria. I got my first attack by hypochondria when we were together for three months and he was amazing support. But now he is gone, at least as that part of my life (we are still going to be friends, but ofcourse it's difficult to ask you ex to stay over because you are terrified of sleeping alone). I have other friends who can help but my ex was always there: I knew what he was doing and if he would be able to help me.
I do have dependency issues which doesn't help but he didn't mind. My anxiety wasn't the problem. But I have to find a way to do this alone right now (i was hoping that I could get healthy next to him, not without him). And I don't know how, I am terrified. Is there a way I can make this easy for myself or does anyone have any tips? I am kinda lost right now.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone know if there’s a good product for my forehead rubbing Not sure how many others rub and squeeze their foreheads, when they’re not feeling well ... it’s a habit I often do.
I was wondering if anyone has something similar to a compression vest for people with anxiety panic attacks ... but something that would work for compressing the forehead or something?
I know it sounds weird. I wouldn’t ask, but I’ve fallen for enough stupid gimmicks that feed off us desperate people, that I no longer trust myself to make good purchases.
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self.bipolar
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How long should I wait before seeing a doctor? My worry is that my depression is returning although having experienced it for 5 years, I'm not sure whether my concerns are my personality or my illness. Sometimes the two become blurred.
In the past I've tried to nip a relapse in the bud but this time I can't be sure it is depression. I feel so worried about work. I sleep a lot- when I'm not at work I lock myself in my bedroom and sleep or such tv, I don't choose to socialise.
Recently I've realised that I'm plodding along so to speak. There's nothing in the future which I'm 'looking forward to' and I seem to be living to work (which I hate at the moment). I feel like I'm existing rather than surviving. There is no element of fun in my life. Choosing what to eat for dinner is as exciting as it gets.
Is this depression or is this my personality? And when should I seek medical help? Should I wait to see if I notice any more changes?
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self.depression
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Holding an unloaded gun to my head is pretty peaceful. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm ok. I haven't really been posting much lately. But some of you know where I live. And there are people here who post that I care about. I felt that I should post here in case the news today had people wondering if I was ok.
For those who don't know where I live and this post seems strange, ignore it. This might seem like a weird, vague, post but it's because I don't like people knowing where in the world I live on account of things that have happened in my personal life.
But anyways, yeah, I'm ok. The news today was definitely shocking, and alarming, but it didn't trigger anything. My mental health remained intact. Surprising since I've been having panic attacks lately.
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self.bipolar
|
my me too story Over the past few weeks, I've struggled with what medium is correct for sharing this story. I don't know how to get the feelings out, and I'm so scared people are going to tell me I'm lying because of just how fantastical it is. So maybe I should start by saying however crazy, this happened to me, and I've been carrying it around with me for far too long. For years I believed the lies he told me, how he had proof that everything was consensual, not realizing that i was just falling into his trap again and again. Let’s call my boss “ Bill”. I was a young male of 18, fresh off the mom and dad boat and making my way into the real world. By some miracle ( at 22 the miracle is now more apparent to me) I scored a job at a traveling zoo that runs a course from virginia to georgia, stopping at county fairgrounds and community festivals, sometimes doing college lectures and rescue efforts as well. I thought I was happy as can be, feeding and caring for monkeys and kangaroos and even a big tiger. I was a dumb fucking kid. Over the course of six months from october 2013 to march 2014 bill raped me 5 times. When I came back to the establishment in 2015 to false promises he raped me again. He convinced me that it was all consensual and he promised me things, but when i didn’t want to do it, he would coerce me harder and harder until I gave in. he drugged me on three separate occasions with opiates to have his way more easily. He insisted on not using protection because he was allergic to latex. It started early on, when I first arrived to work at the zoo, although for him, the planning probably started when he picked up the telephone and heard easy prey on the other line. The funny thing is, when i called him to ask about the job, i was suspicious of his establishment. Something didn’t add up. I called him out on it, said his pitch sounded like bait, he got upset and hung up. I called my mother to tell her about the job prospect and how it sounded weird and together we looked online. This man was famous. He had animals on the today show. His monkeys were in movies and perched on actor’s shoulders. I fucked up. I called him back apologizing. And of course he accepted. The next week I was on a bus down to the zoo and there we were, in the midst of a carnival, training monkeys and riding camels and horses and all was well for a few days. So i thought. The first night i got shitfaced at a party the fair was throwing. Bill noted my attraction to alcohol. The first weekend, Bill saw the flirty attention I was taking to look at a gentleman in the crowd. But Bill also saw the same flirty attention I was giving to a female in the crowd. Bill took note of my sexual confusion. I remember the first night we drove together in the main semi, after the fair was over and we were packed heading to the next location. His tone got more and more sly as we talked through the night, I remember him telling me stories i would one day find out were lies, but at the time, I trusted him and they awed me. I was a sheltered kid and i didn’t know any better. And then i heard him say “ who don’t you give it a little wiggle”. I looked over and he had his fucking cock out. I’m 18, alone in a semi with a guy who’s bigger than me, away from all known family and friends, traveling to god knows where in the middle of the night. The situation has delved into creepy as hell and it’s all my fault, but I do it, because, what the hell, it’s only a cock and i can’t lose this job and be dumped in the middle of the road. I wish I had made him pull over then. I can’t fucking BELIEVE i didn’t realize how BAD that situation was. I had no idea how hard it would traumatize me. Time number one. In november we made our way to savannah georgia, for an annual festival at a racetrack. Bill had a partnership with a hotel there and they paid a contract to stay on the racetrack/golf course for the entire month, bringing our animal activities to the public attending. Of course, with that contract came hotel rooms, and that’s when my hell really started. The first time, Brian brought all of us to the hotel to sleep (didn’t happen very often,because usually we had to stay with the animals and make sure they were ok) and at the last second, pulled a switcheroo and told me I’d be staying with him. Him asking me to give him a back massage ( which, again, far away from my family or friends) ended up with him being naked, and that turned into him coercing me to take my clothes off, because he just wanted to see, and before i know it I’m in the middle of his fucked up fantasy. Another man using you in that way without your permission is probably the worst feeling i can describe, and that time fucking hurt. I can remember how it felt to this second. I thought about leaving that night, but where the hell was i going to go. And then that happened again. And again. He made me send him text messages “telling him what i wanted him to do to me” and i would just make stuff up because i didn’t know what else to say. This was the clincher. I knew the second i’d try to tell someone these messages would come out and nobody would ever believe me. He’d had other interns before me and I’m pretty sure he did this with all of them. The third time he brought a bottle of pills and told me to take one. It was oxycontin and it made things a little bit easier. This whole time he convinced me if i told anyone, my life would be over, he’d out me to my family, he’d tell them all the nasty things we did together. On the fourth time, I finally had the strength to leave. I waited til night,I made it as far as the hotel itself from the racetrack before I realized it was cold and HE realized I was gone. I think he knew I was going to tell the police so he begged me to come back. He bought me a plane ticket home to my parents that night and he told me to take a vacation. I don’t think he was thinking very clearly. I never got on the return flight. I never wanted to see him again. In 2015 I began to miss my animals, badly, and the trauma from the previous events hadn’t fully taken over my life. Like the dumb kid i was, I decided to give Bill another try. I rang him up and he told me everyone out there missed me, and if I came on down, We would talk about how things were better (there were other problems I was having beyond the obvious one with Bill). I made my bed on the couch at his place when i drove down, because someone was in the spare room, and i thought that would be sufficient enough to keep things pg. I was wrong. I hadn’t even been in the house for 5 hours when Bill decided to pull his shit again. I told him I was going to yell out and he still put his hands down my pants. I should have yelled. I left again that night, drove all the way back to my home in california, and i told myself that that was the end of bill. I couldn’t prove he raped me, so i needed to move on with my life.
I can’t move on. This tears at me almost daily. I’ve literally never typed it out before, and I’m sorry that details are so sparse, but actually reading it like this, I can’t believe how fucked up it sounds. Any questions that might clear up an inconsistency I’m happy to answer. I’m not looking for sympathy, but I want to be able to share this with someone, ANYONE before it eats me alive. This man is still my facebook friend and every day I see him with another success i will never have, because of the things he’s done to my body and head. The fact that i let him get away with doing something like this to a young adult makes me want to kill myself.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Dear Parents I get it. Dad
I get it now.
I get why you were always so mean and aggressive and never could say anything positive to me unless it was through humor.
You wanted me to be something. You didn't want me to be babied by mom. You wanted me to get out of that chair and go socialize find a better job go to school.
I get why you pulled my hair. I get why you yelled. You were in pain. You didn't have the ability to tell us other then through fear which turned into anger at whatever was near. I forgive you.
I wish you were here so I could talk to you.
Mom
I'm sorry for taking advantage of you.
You didn't deserve to be my piggy bank.
That was your money. You worked for it. I stole it from you with your permission.
You didn't deserve to go the way you did. Once dad was gone you were free. Whatever higher power there is had another idea for you. I really miss you and you fade from my memory everyday. The one thing I regret the most is that my kids will never know either of you and that is so unfair to them.
I hope one day I can talk to you again.
I love you both.
|
self.offmychest
|
Validation on missing work It's been a long time since I posted here and I don't even know if I have under his username. I'm here today to get your guys opinion on my missing work. I used to suffer badly from anxiety, depression and panic attacks. I got it under control finally and was really great for a few years. Well I just graduated college and started my first year teaching recently. I have been slowly gathering chronic illnesses over the last few years, and have had 6 surgeries in 3 years. I always get panic attacks a bit after surgery from being worn out, but they usually dissipate. They haven't and it's been two months. I can't eat, I've lost 10% of my body weight in a little over a month. I have multiple autoimmune diseases and severe allergies and lately I just can't fight these panic attacks. I'm too tired. My body is too angry all the time. I'm currently on 2 inhalers, a nebulizer 4x a day and systemic steroids just to try and fight off a flare of asthma in addition to the 20 other medications I have to take a day. I have appointments with a Dermatologist, a Psychiatrist, a Psychologist, my primary, and a Immunology specialist all in this month coming up too.
Even with all of this, I keep blaming myself and feeling guilty when I miss work. I feel like since I can't fight off the anxiety I failed...but I'm so so tired physically I don't even know how to begin to fight it. I'm sorry for rambling, I just haven't dealt with this in a long time and I'm internalizing and blaming myself. I guess I just need help validating that other people would stay home too under the same circumstances.
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self.Anxiety
|
Social media makes me feel worse - anyone else? Sounds silly but looking at pictures on social media (especially Instagram) of beautiful people and their fun lives sends me into a spiral because it just reminds me that I'm ugly and have no purpose and amount to nothing because I don't live a life like theirs..anyone else feel the same?
|
self.depression
|
I resent my parents and have cut communication to minimum [removed]
|
self.offmychest
|
College is depressing Zero friends, don't know anyone.
I can't stand that there's so many people.
So many people with friends and lives.
All of that studying for exams, and homework assignments/papers/projects
All of that pressure to network and I can't even do it because I'm a loser without friends.
What's the point of it all anyways? Life freaking sucks
|
self.depression
|
QUICK fix for meds killing sex drive? Last night I️ hooked up with someone I’d been eyeing for the past two years, however when it was time for the deed there was one enormous problem.
My brain was ready to go, this was go time, but in the heat of the moment my physical downtown reaction was just “meh”.
I️ started looking through here to find some help, and most I️ found that most solutions would be rather strange when applied in a hookup situation since a large portion involve consistent dialogue with a partner.
Anyone out there with a particularly great tip, or trick? I’m all ears.
|
self.bipolar
|
Is it weird to do this? I asked my friend if he was free and he said he's at another one of my friends house. Would it be weird to ask if I could come over? Should I ask my friend who I asked originally or my friend who's house is in reference?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just got fired.... Well. I got fired. I was late again. I’ve been late too many days, because i’ve been majorly depressed and this just makes it worse. No matter what i do i think about ending it all. Any advice from anyone whose experienced this?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm at my wit's end I'm in a weird situation. I've gone to great lengths to prove myself an ally, I'll quietly sit there and then actively support POC and WOC in their endeavours or in protests. I don't want to make this about POC in general because I think it's ridiculous to judge a group based on one lone individual, but this woman who lives with me has been dehumanizing me since day one.
My opinion (on anything, not just politics) doesn't matter because I'm white. Doesn't matter because I have a penis. Doesn't matter because I appear to be heterosexual.
The worst part is she knows I was physically and sexually abused as a child. I live in my home town now, but I grew up as an immigrant (my skin complexion would lead kids to think I was Latino when I lived in the US, I'm Canadian). I work with kids of all races and creeds and give them equal opportunity. Yet everyday I come home to things like "all cis white men should die", "we should just ban all white people", things of that nature.
Am I supposed to excuse this toxic behaviour because of how I was born? I'm at the point where I haven't felt at home in months and I'm considering overdosing on the painkillers I have left just to stop feeling like I shouldn't exist. I recently found out my dead stepfather raped my sister for 4 years.
I just want it all to stop...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
The best I ever feel is flat,I haven’t felt happy in so long I’ve forgotten what it feels like
|
self.depression
|
Worst year of my life This year was such a rough one for me. Horrible things kept on happening and started to suck the life out of me. There were too many nights where I couldn't sleep, thinking about what the next day will be like. I tried and tried but my grades were still not good enough. Disappointed my family and myself. I used to love reading books, listen to music. But now, I've lost interest in everything. I spent most days regretting all the decisions I made, all the wrong things I said at the wrong time. Loneliness became normal for me. I had friends but at the end of the day, I could only think about the person I used to love and loosing them. I'm not even excited for 2018 because I know it will be just as bad. My depression and anxiety are taking over my life. I wish I could see a therapist but my parents just think it's nothing but a waste of money.
|
self.offmychest
|
New year same old me Don't think 2018 will be any better for me. I'll still be lonely, will have no one to talk to and afraid to leave my house. No one even knows me except my family. No one in my neighborhood knows me. I spent weeks inside my house. Hate this life 😢
|
self.depression
|
I turned 25 yesterday the same day I went to my least favorite class and subject which I spent a few hours in the class with a horrible teacher that kept saying it's easy and it's just simple when I couldn't understand any of it. I asked for some help from her afterwards and she got really mad at me and told me I should understand and that I should pay more attention when I can't read her writing, she solves the problem off screen from the board, and goes so fast I can't even keep up writing it down let alone thinking and trying to understand the problem. After class in the elevator down my other classmates were complaining how easy it was and it was to easy. I feel like a freaking dumb ass potato at this point so I cry my way home from the anxiety attacks like a pathetic snowflake and sit in my bed. No one called, no one messaged. I should have reached out, but I thought idk I guess I was being selfish and expecting that I would get a happy birthday from my parents or friends. I always go all out of theirs, just a simple hi would have been something. I reminded them I didn't want any physical objects just a hi. I'm falling into a hole, this year has been so bad. I just had to cut a friend from my life last week because he triggered my Ptsd on purpose just to get to me. To punish me because I was hanging out with another friend and had my phone in the car. So I spent 3 days not sleeping, to terrified to sleep, constantly having flashbacks with any noise that would echo throughout the room. I can't draw anymore I can't write anymore, like the very thing that keeps me sane is to painful to even pick up. I don't feel suicidal though, just like I'm feeling way to much. Sorry for the bullshit rant. I just don't know I'm just feeling way to much.
|
self.depression
|
I have been depressed and suicidal my whole life, I can't take it anymore. I think I am finally ready to just give up and kick the bucket. I don't even know what i'm trying to get out of this post. I've never been happy and I have finally come to terms with the fact I never will be. I guess I just needed someone to hear me before I go. I honestly wish I was never born, I just want to this constant pain and misery to end.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I could use a friend So I've been feeling pretty bad the past few weeks. I think it has a lot to do with holidays being really rough for me and the weather, but I've been really depressed and suicidal. I could be surrounded with my loved ones and feel so alone and like such a disappointment. I feel like such a burden and that my achievements are minuscule and that people hate me. I feel like my co-workers don't really like me. I feel like I'm close to a breakdown. I am concerned of my weight and want to stop eating again. I don't feel beautiful or loved. I haven't slept in days and if I do it's all nightmares. My mind is racing. I feel like it would be better for everyone if I disappeared. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm so sad, I just am and I cry for no reason and can not breathe. I want to hurt myself again but I don't want anyone to accidentally see. I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I want everyone to be happy but I feel like I make things worse. I don't know what to do. I hate myself. I just wanna die sometimes.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone with Depression also suffer constant physical pain/chronic pain? I've been suffering back pain for several years now but it's escalated recently to where when it's bad, I suffer like nerve attacks that make my body/ mostly my left side twitch or jolt forward. Went to urgent care and going to see a doctor soon about it.
What about you guys?
|
self.depression
|
Why try when I'm going to end up dying anyway? I could try, try and try in life, and I *might* succeed.
Or, I could die right now and never have to worry ever again.
And if I do become successful, I'm going to die at the end of it anyway. Both ways I'll get the same outcome.
So why bother trying?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Judgement Does anyone else feel paranoid that people have a negative view of them ? I can’t stop thinking that I’m unliked and made fun of regularly by my friends and co-workers
|
self.Anxiety
|
They'll Remember Me None of my family members will change their life after I'm gone.
None of my coworkers will have any regrets.
None of my old high school buddies will lose any sleep at night.
None of the girls I've been with will reminisce over times we had.
But they will remember me.
They'll remember the news stories.
They'll remember the local papers.
They'll remember Internet articles.
They won't think about the reasons.
They won't think about the times I asked for someone to listen, someone to care.
They won't think about the times I wanted advice, or help, or just a hug from a friend.
They'll remember the other people who suffered.
They'll remember the stories of survival amongst the chaos.
They'll remember the death and bloodshed.
They'll remember me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How fucking hard is it to show you care? I'm sick. I drove myself to the pharmacy to get meds for this nasty cold that was sprung on me over the last 2 days. You didn't even ASK me if I needed anything. I was sitting on the couch 15 ft from you wrapped in a blanket and trying to sneeze with Kleenex shoved up my nose.
Last time you woke up hacking up a fucking lung and woke me up along with you, I ran to the pharmacy for you at 1am, no questions asked and bought you chicken broth, cough drops, Nyquil AND Dayquil, throat drops and 3 boxes of tissues. The only money I had was money that my mom gave me for Christmas. But I didn't complain or even mention it, even though that was going to help me get through until next payday instead of overdraft.
How fucking hard is it to just ask? But no. You decided playing the drums at 930pm was a better use of your time.
Thanks.
|
self.offmychest
|
9:19 am: good time for tequila. Well. The thing is, I abuse alcohol, for sure, and have wondered if my abusing of alcohol is considered alcoholism, but to be fair, I woke up at 11:30 pm so this is like my happy hour time.
My sleep schedule is fucked upppppp.
Everyone else is having their morning coffee. I'm having my "evening" tequila.
I need to get these meds, and therapy, straightened out. I am in a bipolar nightmare. I am slowly self-destructing.
|
self.bipolar
|
I feel physically uneasy when I put myself in public situations am I the only one? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Hello all, just found this and wanted to write my story Hello all,
Just a little about myself. I just turned 38 and am a male. All my life i have had self loathing and felt horrible about myself. And now i am about to begin another therapy to see if we can do something about it. I have a burn out and a depression at the moment.
Sometimes i feel its all related to me and the hate i have for myself. I see something good in everybody but not myself. Recently a sweet caring girl (online) started talking to me and i feel i dont deserve that. I dont deserve people around me. So i am slowly start pushing everything and everybody away. I have no more real life friends because of how i am. But am i this way. I know i can be funny. I am caring and social. But all thats going on now is me being my own poison.
I am slowly getting to the point where i dont leave the house except for work and hide in bed and on the couch.
Just wanted to share. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Have a great day all.
|
self.depression
|
My Memory and concentration is f*cked For last few weeks my memory is getting worse and worse, i am having hard time to concentrate on anything. I can't even think properly ,i am forgetting words while talking to someone, than i just stop because i forgot what i wanted to tell and it feels so frustrating and dumb . Like WTF is going on with my brain i am so slow like my IQ dropped -50%. I am exhausted. I have felt this state every year for past 3 years now but this month it's the worst. It's so hard to thing, to learn, concentrate, to talk or write , it's like my brain don't even want to lol. I know that this are normal symptoms of depression and anxiety but i have never felt it so intense.
Is there anyone whoo feeels like dumb piece of shit :D?
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else have knee pain due to tension from anxiety? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just a thought I’m not depressed I think, but i do feel lonely and negative most of the time. But i laugh and joke around so quick after crying & get happy when people talk to me or i buy/get stuff so idk. Idk if this belongs here so feel free to tell me to delete this post.
I thought about killing myself just now, not in a bad nobody cares way, but i’m the sense that life just sucks for everyone in general. Nobody’s ever 100% happy with life & the fact that there’s no way to bring that happy makes me wanna run away from it. Being a human sucks with all the stuff we have to deal with and I think it’s not worth it. People my age have to worry about friends and SOs, or who makes the most money/drives the best car. The fact that our goal in life is to make other people feel bad about themselves. It’s dumb and i don’t want to deal with competing/consoling with people’s(or my) egos anymore
EDIT: I am in high school, i made it sound like i was in my early 30s
|
self.depression
|
Feel guilty for being unwell. My wife always says she is there for me and will always support me but after 7 years I still don't think she understands or is understanding. Going through a bad patch at the moment, mood mostly down but can be changeable. When I feel shit and teary I feel like she gets pissed off with me and short with me. I understand it's hard for her, with our 11 month old son to deal with as well as a crazy husband but I can't help the way I feel. Having no control over my emotions is awful.
Just needed to vent.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'd like to cry, but I can't... I just lying there and exist. The depression comes back and hit me right in the face..
Self harm comes back, now in two forms... cutting and a binge-eating disorder at night.
I can't sleep, and when I do, I have so terrible nightmares that I wake up sweating and having panicattacks. And then I guzzle so many food, to falling into sleep again. Every fucking night.
I got a doctor's certificate for today, but I should go to work again. It feels like I can't work again my whole life. It makes fun, but I am faking there that I am feeling well.
I just want to lie in my bed and cry, but I can't! No matter what I am doing - watching sad films, self harm, thinking about sad situations... it doesn't help! There is so much pressure inside of me, and it can't get out.
I am even neglect my cats; I give them food and water, cleaning their toilets, but I have to comb their long hair... but I can't.
I can't do anything...
|
self.depression
|
He raped me again last night. I have a noose tied and I'm ready to die. [removed]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
looking for internships got me like a;lskdfj "I'm a great candidate except no I'm not, I'm fucking worthless, sorry I wasted your time."
I've never managed to hold down a job, and I'm 22 so that's pretty pathetic at this point. Alas. I can't give up now, even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to...
Anyway, best of luck to everyone else in my boat!!
|
self.Anxiety
|
My lies and problems have grew too much for me to handle [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else hate how anxiety makes you un-assertive and people pleasing in conversation I hate it like I feel like such a bitch in my mind I rly don’t give a F what ppl think yet around people I’m so incredibly tense, uncomfortable and anxious that my tone always takes on this pathetic,meek and disingenuous way. If I was able to feel calm and relaxed I could say what I want to ppl how I want in whatever way but instead I’m just like a drone. This is why I was always everyone’s punching bag in school and always pushed around by friends or so called friends I guess in retrospect. I think a lot of anxiety and depression is from this anger turned inwards over not saying what you rly want to ppl and being true with yourself instead saying what you think they want to hear and how they want to hear it . Jesus Christ I order a fkn sandwich and soda at the lunch spot near by I end up saying thank you like 25 times in the course of a minute which sounds nice but it rly isn’t . I’ve learned from plenty of experience being overly nice and courteous is actually a great way to get walked all over.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My girlfriend wanted to just be friends, but we just had passionate sex and it felt normal again. I'm so confused [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Its been three years but i still think and dreamed about her so i wanna share my story and i wanna ask how to end it all [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
"If you are depressed and anxious, you are not a machine with malfunctioning parts. You are a human being with unmet needs." Thoughts? https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections
This is an excerpt of Johann Hari's book Lost Connections explaining how we view depression, as a biological disease rather than a natural response to our environment, is not helping us cure it. I myself have depression and anxiety since I graduated college and agree that its social isolation, meaningless jobs, lack of financial independence, etc that have caused my conndition. I have concluded, with the help of this new persepective, that the only way to make myself better is to meet my psychological needs instead of solely relying on medication or self-improvement. Of course whether or not thsi is possible is another question, but what do you think?
|
self.depression
|
Deadman walking. I’m done.. I’m not worthless and I can’t even explain.
I’ll swear by this tho:
I don’t have any violent or evil in me. I’m not a bad person. I would never hurt anyone.
Is there anyway to relieve loved ones?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Quitting A Job So I know I want to quit my job tomorrow. Im working a PSW job since the end of October and now I know I want to switch fields. Was thinking of doing nursing and got this job for somewhat of an experience. I know this job is not as close to nursing in it's requirements but I'm not interested in doing healthcare anymore. I want to do something more technical and computer science looks like the best bet.
My problem is I have trouble in situations like this that involve somewhat of a confrontation. It's more so this job I'm quitting too. Never really had a problem before because either I never needed to (end of work contract) or my work environment was super comfortable with supporting employers. This job on the other involves a lot he say, she say mentality. Everyone is only out for themselves. Literally anything you do needs to be documented otherwise it's unaccounted and therefore not their responsibility. I know they hold contempt against me for not taking more sick shifts. But I've seen when people do take em, they're not appreciated and given shit when they forget to do little things on a shift they chose to take their own time to cover.
It's just a really bad work environment I'm. The amount of stress from the job is too much for me to bare from the staff to the consumers. The boss is the worst of all because she makes it seem like she's got everything handled but doesn't have a clue what's going on. She also intimidates the hell out of me.
So the way my job works is that I sign in and go hang out with one consumer in particular who has ABI. Basically I only see everyone in the main office once in the morning when I come in and again when I'm handing in paperwork before I leave. My plan was to let her know I'm putting in my 2 weeks tomorrow in the morning that way I rip the band aid off ASAP.
I'm just getting really anxious about doing so. There's no question I want to quit, just looking for any pointers to help calm me down and not worry so much?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My doctor took me off of my 7th antidepressant today, didn't put me on a new, and just said to make another appointment so time inn the new year. Iv'e been feeling a bit more down recently, having a lot of trouble with college and people due to anxiety, and with the 2nd anniversary of my mum's passing coming up, with the first anniversary of my dad's just under a month later, the timing is just too fucking typical.
I feel like even my doctor has given up on me.
|
self.depression
|
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