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Getting it all out [Long post]This is a long post, so bear that in mind.
I've been holding this in for a really long time. The last time I got what was wrong in my head out was in my teens. I'm in my early 30's now.
I'm not normal. I know it. My friends know it. My family knows it. I suffer from a deep dark depression that worsens a little bit every day. I feel a tangible pit of despair in my head that never goes away. Ever. There are days when I can get through it without wanting to throw myself into oncoming traffic. Then there are days when I contemplate how much better off I would be if the pain just stopped.
I am an Army veteran. I never saw combat but I do suffer from PTSD. I am claustrophobic. I have nerve damage. I get anxiety attacks. I have diminished sensation in my hands. I have arthritis in my spine. I have lost brothers to cancer, prison, and drugs. My best friend in the world suffers daily from the shit he was told to endure in Iraq.
I suffer in my mind. I am a prisoner stuck in a cell with no way out and no reprieve. I emotionally eat. I attempt to fill a void that can never be filled. The only thing that brings me solace is writing, reading, photography, bike riding, and video games. Those things quiet my mind to a point of almost blissfulness.
I wish there was something to quiet or dull the pain. My worst toothache does not approach the levels of torment I endure.
I just needed to finally get that all off my chest. If someone reads this, maybe I can hope for something better. Maybe...I can find peace.
[Update]
I woke up this morning and for the first time, the weight on my heart and mind was lessened. Not entirely gone, but severely lessened. I didn't feel like I was on the verge of a constant and near mental break. I smiled. And I didn't feel like I wanted to jump out a window for doing that. Thank you to those that responded. Thank you for caring. It meant more than you can ever know.
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self.offmychest
|
just venting I'm studying something I hate to get in to university, a year late because of my shit grades, to study something else that I hate to get a job that I'll hate just as much. I need to start losing weight but I just... don't. I know I should, I think about it constantly, I think about a lot of the shit I should be doing constantly, but I just don't, a lot of the people around me constantly poke and prod and make fun of me about my weight, which doesn't help I have no friends to talk to about my day or what I'm feeling and I have no fucking clue what I won't to do in the future. I just get a massive feeling of dread whenever I think about it. Even when I'm with family I feel empty and alone.
I don't know. Hope you guys are doing well I guess.
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self.depression
|
I had a win today at the grocery store I am normally a very anxious person, but recently started on meds and DBT therapy to help with that as well as with my depression.
Today, at the grocery store, I walked out of the parking lot to get a cart, and noticed that there were no shopping carts left. I figured that I would wait to see if an employee would come with some shopping carts. I waited around for a while, and spotted an older man with a cart coming towards me. Figuring that he was returning a cart, I decided to ask him if he was. As I started my sentence with “Excuse me, are you returning..”, I was met with a glare from the older man as he walked right into the grocery store. I still have no idea why he gave me a glare, but that doesn’t matter anymore. I immediately felt extremely anxious and embarrassed, and felt hot in my cheeks.
I thought to myself, *that man knows nothing about who I am, and I will probably never see him again, so why should I be anxious?* and was able to laugh the man’s glare off as I walked around the grocery store. For the past few hours, I haven’t been feeling anxious at all about what happened.
I’m so proud of myself for overcoming anxiety in that moment, because I’ve never been able to do that on the spot ever before. It’s also fantastic because I’ve been working on ways to overcome anxiety with my psychologist, and I’m finally applying what I’m learning from her.
Trust me when I say this: therapy and medication does help, you just have to find the right therapy and medication for you.
Edit: formatting and ending statement
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self.Anxiety
|
Cycles. Vicious, vicious cycles. I'm hitting the highs and lows pretty hard the past year or so, harder than I ever remember and I'm waiting on something to pop and send me to the hospital. Not that I have time for the emotional breakdown that I need, but I can't seem to get hold of it lately. The relationship is teetering, which causes more symptoms, which causes more problems, which the kids notice and act out, which irritates me more... and on and on and on.
I've also noticed that facebook is freaking awful for depression. You withdraw and stop being as active so facebook drops you from your friends feeds and when you do post, no one sees it so you get even less interaction. Maybe they should give us a button for "I'm struggling, please show my friends what little activity I can manage."
Anyway, here's to getting through another year.
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self.bipolar
|
I want to run away from home Ive told a bit about myself before.
I went at my mom about my school and how its ruining my life.
She said the sane thing she always does.
"I cant do anything about school"
Ik that killing myself is a bit extreme and goes too far but i have been thinking about running away from home.
School is the main reason i have this depression along with social anxiety
If i run away from home i dont have to suffer anymore.
You may say schools nearly over but theres always next year and then the year after that and so on.
|
self.depression
|
If I successfully killed myself a year ago what exactly would I have missed?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Deep water - I'm terrified This episode has been more than 4 years. Maybe 5. Spiralling deeper and deeper. The self harm, the plans for suicide. The erosion of my relationship with my wife, my family. The disappearance of friends until at last I'm left completely alone. The exhaustion of holding it together and screwing on the mask so that I can hang on desperately to the professional life that lets me provide for my family and has become my sole source of an outside, objective viewpoint - an anchor that helps me sometimes see through the illusions and lies depression feeds me.
I spent the last year struggling. I planned to end it this month. To end it specifically on December 23. I worked out the plans in detail. To make it appear an accident, to spare my family the guilt if not the grief. To ensure that there would be no hiccup in the last financial provisions I was able to arrange. But the plan, the release, came with a hook:
I had to TRY. I had to do everything I could to get better. To get help.
I tried. I tried so hard in the first months of the year. I kept getting turned away or offered solutions that would have been worse than the disease: drastic crash-team approaches that would have torpedoed my career and smeared me and my family with social stigma beyond what could be endurable.
What point in getting "help" if it will destroy my life anyway?
So I struggled to see what I could do for myself. Tried hard to rebuild relationships with my family. Tried to reach back out to friends. Tried to find ways to be healthier. It worked, for a while. I gave myself permission to reset the clock, to set a new date for 2018 on the assumption that I could hold myself here or even get better before then.
Then in the last couple of months I've been slapped in the face by some of the consequences of my sickness and my pride/fear/confusion/whatever held me back from seeking help before. And it made me realise there was nothing left of what I was working so hard to fix. The precious things I was so desperate to hold in my hands again were just...gone.
I've crashed hard over the last couple of weeks. I made one last desperate attempt to find some shred of hope over the weekend and found nothing but shame. I struggled through the first few days of this week thinking of nothing but the 23rd coming closer and closer. Thinking about how to activate my plan and make it just over.
It got really bad. I tried to ask my wife to help me, but I just couldn't speak. My throat wouldn't work properly. The wrong words, the right words. Fuck hardly any words came out. I can't understand how she could have seen me struggle like that and not want to do exactly what I so desperately wanted: for her to just hold me tight and tell me it would be OK, that she would help. But she didn't. She couldn't see. And she left me feeling so completely empty and hopeless.
Yesterday I went beyond a veil I've seen before during a depressive episode but only once passed beyond. It's a terrifying space. It's beyond numb. It's where I find that utterly hollow feeling, like a rotting tin can. I can almost hear the rust shift and rattle inside me when I move. There's nothing. No urge to eat. No sense of self at all. Even the bleakness and despair of my worst depression is gone. It's just this sere empty nothing where I used to be. The self harm continues but now it's like I'm just testing to see if I'm really still in here or if I'm frozen and hollowed out like I feel.
It cracked me. Especially since it hit me during my commute to work, and I had to get through a day of pretending to be a competent professional. It made me realise how completely broken I am. And how close the 23rd really is.
So today I made appointments with people whose methods frankly terrify me. I pray they don't think the "crash team" approach they initially offered is necessary. I'm not sure if I care anymore if my life is torn away from me. But I'm terrified of having my wife humiliated. Of having my children kept away. Of finding myself with even less than I have now. My family is the one thing left even with all that has been lost. It's the anchor that has held me up during the darkest nights these last few years. Hell, even just the obligation to pretend to be well(ish) for the kids' sake and act halfway normal, the effort of forcing myself to it, that was sometimes enough to create momentum and even give me the occasional fragment of joy.
If that gets torn away from me I don't know what I'll do. I've made the appointments, but dear god I've just realised the appointments may well be as life ending as suicide would have been. And then I'll have to live with it.
I'm terrified.
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self.depression
|
I have my dream job (life) and I'm going to lose it [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Applied for a job last night, they called today but i missed it. i can't bring myself to call back. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
How do i ask anyone for help? I'm seriously on edge, my dad is constantly telling me to not do stuff and go study. I can't cope and I already have a suicide note prepared and I know where I will go when I feel like that again. I know I am nearing that point again. Can someone help and tell me how to tell them? I don't want them to think I am a failure. :(
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self.depression
|
I just need one big, breakdowny, world collapsy, cry [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
there it goes again I just had like 3 weeks of feeling normal. Still had some kind of guilt for not feeling bad cause i managed to open up to some people and it felt weird that i felt fine after that, felt like lying to them that i felt bad in the first place. But now i feel it comming again, yet so slowly but steady and i cant do anything about it. Does anyone else hate that feeling of weakness that you cant win against it?
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self.depression
|
T minus 2 hours I'm done with life. Every day I exist in agony waiting for 8:30 pm to roll around so that I can take the medications that help me get a couple of fitful hours of sleep. I have tried showering, drinking teaz spending time with friends, laying under a weighted blanket etc, nothing eases the emptiness, loneliness, despair, and purposelessness I feel ever single day. I know that with time it is possible that is find the right medications but I'm too tired to go on like this. I'm waiting for my roommates to go to sleep so that I can finally do this. I guess I'm posting in case anyone has any suggestions.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Most days, I feel like I don't deserve the good things in my life. I don't know where else to say this.
I'm 23, in medical school - which is a dream come true, and I love it here. I love what I'm learning, I love talking to patients. What I love the most is it keeps me busy - busy enough not to have to think, or be alone with myself.
So on days like this, the weekends, I start to spiral.
Since I'm not a US citizen, my parents are helping me pay for the first couple years of medical school (can't get a loan, long story.) It is many, many thousands of dollars. I've written them a promissory note, stating that I'll pay them back once I become a physician, but that doesn't seem to stop the guilt, which is massive and heavy. My younger brother is about to apply to colleges abroad, and my family can't afford to send him to a half-decent university, and I know it's all my fault. My family is struggling while I'm here having the time of my life. The guilt's been weighing on me for a year - since I got my acceptance letter.
People keep telling me I deserve this, that I worked really hard to get in to med school and that I'm going to end up helping so many people, but that doesn't matter to me as much as this - that I'm somehow always hurting the people I love the most.
Sometimes, I think I subconsciously sabotage my relationships because I keep feeling like I don't deserve to be loved by the persons I'm with, because I genuinely feel like I'm a shitty person. It's an endless circle of starting fights, proving myself right, feeling guilty, believing that they don't really love me or aren't supposed to, and then starting fights again. I have a boyfriend right now, we've been together for over a year and I still feel like I don't deserve him and hate myself for all the shit I've caused, and when I bring it up he says I'm being stupid and that he's happy and he loves me, and that my thoughts aren't connected with reality.
I just don't know what to do about all this guilt. It never stops.
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self.depression
|
Depression made me really dumb Last year i was one of the best in class, i could memorize anything and my logic skills here super high, i study med school, so you have to be smart here, i was, i really was. But then depression came and i become stupid, i cant concentrate so much, my logic decrased, my memory is shit. My mind is ocupied with bad thoughts and there is no space for what is used to. I hate this situation because this school is my dream and i fear that i wouldnt be able to get back how i used to be. The one who everyone asked questions, the one who professors knew by name, the one who everyone said will make this school for sure. Now sometimes i cant even force myself to study and so i atempt school without studying. I need the motivation, i need the joy i had, i need my old me back.
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self.depression
|
. just why? give me a fucking reason. please. i do care but i can't do it anymore. there's nothing here for me. im not real. its over ok? just forget it. nothings helping this was supposed to be a good year. im not good enough ill never be good enough. gosh i wanna do it but i don't have the fucking tools goddammit
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My Girlfriend Tried to Commit Suicide Recently I just spent the last few days sitting with my girlfriend in the ER at our local hospital. I was working a night shift when I got the call that she was admitted, and I've never been so dumbstruck in my life. We have been together for 5 years strong, and she is the most amazing person I have ever met. We have known each other since we were around 10 years old, we are 21 now, and she has been my best friend since that first day we met. She is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen through all of my years, and I never could've imagined being the person that will one day get to have children with her, and grow old together. I know how cliche this all sounds, but it is the God's honest truth.
When I arrived at the hospital that night, I was escorted down the incredibly long hallway to her room, she sat there in her bed with tears rolling down her cheek, when our eyes met, I'll never forget what she said... "I'm sorry". I quickly reassured her that everything was okay, and that I was so happy to be hugging her, and talking with her. I struggled to hold back my tears, I wanted to be strong for her. I told her one of our dumb inside jokes that we had and we laughed a little, which made us both feel better in that moment. It broke my heart seeing her the way she was that night. I didn't get to sit with her very long due to the visiting hours in the ER. The doctor told me she will be getting moved to holding later that night to be evaluated, and to determine whether or not she would be admitted to a facility for 72 hours. She arrived in holding around 11 that night. She had to share the room with another patient who was schizophrenic, and sang creepy lullabies to herself all night long, so needless to say, she got little sleep that night. The next morning I learned she would be transferred to an institution later that day for at the least the next 72 hours.
The time is 1:33 A.M.. I can hardly get any sleep knowing shes so far away from me. She has been in the institution for 2 days now, and I am deteriorating every day I cant see her. She is allowed to call me for 10 minutes each day, so our conversations have been rushed and short. We do everything together, and rarely spend extended periods of time apart from each other, I don't know how to function without her. I've been alone the entire time as well, which isn't helping with my mental state. Anyways, I just needed to get this off my chest and vent to strangers. I just hope that she comes home soon..
Update: Hello everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for the support and advice, it helped tremendously. I just got in touch with her this morning with the great news that she will be released tomorrow at some point. It is going to be a hard next few days, but I think we are going to get through this. I will update if anyone is interested.
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self.offmychest
|
I found out we have bed bugs and I honestly feel traumatized [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I did it I finished my last semester in college and I was worried about disappointing my family but i did it and couldn't be happier.
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self.offmychest
|
Random anxiety? Is it normal? I could be in bed watching tv, to eating lunch on my break or even having a shower. It's just out of nowhere and really inconvenient, but my heart clenches and my muscles tense up and I feel just an overwhelming sense of nervousness (sometimes to the extent that I start sweating).
I can never pinpoint the trigger and it's really hard, especially when people are around and I have to suppress it as to not draw attention... Is it normal?
Edit: when I say I can't pinpoint the trigger, I mean, like there isn't one? It just happens and I'm fine when it decides to stop, but there's no reason for it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Has anyone overcome bipolar disorder Long story short, in the last year someone very close to me has been circling the drain. although she is in treatment and on a plethra of medz things aren't going good . In the last year shes gone from petite to obese, dosent get out of bed unless basicly forced, burned down almost every relationship, and has a hard time getting into the shower (its been over a month) i know she doesn't want to live this way and i have come to the conclusion the more i try to help the worse things get so now i am at a loss for what to do. So I'm wondering if there are any actual success stories out there, is there hope for the hopeless?
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self.bipolar
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I'm always suffering and I really can't do anything to stop it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
What jobs can you do with anxiety? hey everyone. I decided to look around for a new job and that's when I got my first panic attack. I'm getting pretty upset because every job I'm interested in has a medical check. And from what I've read if you take medications for anxiety you cant do those jobs. I literally will only ever feel anxiety if I'm in a job interview or taking an exam. Other times I feel fine. Do any of you guys do exciting jobs? if so what are they?
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self.Anxiety
|
Uncomfortable. All the time. I don’t know how to explain it but I’m always feeling uncomfortable around others and alone. I feel physically uncomfortable too and this makes me irritable. Is anyone experiencing the same thing?
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm completely incompotent at my job and I want to die [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Vitamin B12 Deficiency Three months ago I had blood drawn and the doctor noticed my vitamin B12 was severely deficient. I started taking supplements after my appointment and they have helped. Do I still suffer from depression? Yes, but the daily suffering has lessened more than I thought possible. Is this the case for everyone? Of course not.
I am not cured by any means but I have noticed that I don't think about suicide nearly as much.
[Mayo Clinic article](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/expert-answers/vitamin-b12-and-depression/faq-20058077)
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self.depression
|
I've seen a few articles on the front page about sugar, and as a guy that's addicted to sugar, it's got me thinking. I eat a fuckload of sugar, but thanks to my genetics I'm not really fat, but the stuff I've glanced from the front page (but not read because I'm lazy as hell) was stuff like sugar has positive associations (probably correlations too, but like I said, lazy) with depressed guys and negatively affects cognitive response.
In hindsight, yeah that should be common sense. Anyway, I think it's a good idea to stop eating sugar and I'm starting to forget why I'm posting- so I might just fill the void with broccoli because I like it and it a good thing to . When I think about it, most of my shitty rituals like 3am trips to 7-11 revolve around binging some sweets.
If I remember in the future, I'll update on it. It might be something that no longer warrants the usual eye-roll when someone advises you change your diet. (At least, I that's how I react to that) Feel free to pm me; I think it'd be good to have someone to remind about spamming that good green stuff, and hey correspondence and stuff :D
Tl;dr It seems like sugar is bad (duh dumbas) and I binge it, so I'm going to not do that. (or try to, at least)
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self.depression
|
What do I do if I don't want anything? It seems like the only thing I want is unhappiness and pain. I don't want to do anything in life other than sleep all day and listen to music. All of my responsibilities I neglect because they just don't feel important anymore, even though a small part of me is saying that they still are. What do I do for the rest of my life? Sit back and watch myself ruin my lifestyle and everything around myself? I'm tired of being bored yet not want to do anything. Is the only solution really to get worse and worse until I kill myself? Any advice or words are appreciated thanks
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self.depression
|
If I am about to cry, don’t ask me if I want to talk about it, cause I won’t stop crying I’m wondering if that’s just me, I’ve always been like that as far as I can remember.
Latest example: this Friday at work I had a talk with my supervisor that didn’t go well. Without going into to much detail it was about my performances not being good, and if they don’t get better it might lead to getting fired. Boss was obligated to tell me that. It is a new job and hearing about “I might get fired” made my anxiety rise up. But I didn’t cry.
I try not to think about it. I tried to focus about work, happy things, that’s it’s Friday, etc. Then my boss’ boss pull a one on one meeting with me, asking what I think about the job, etc.
I lost it, I cried, I explained that I was scared about getting fired. I couldn’t stop crying. Even when the meeting was over and I was told I will not get fired, I cannot help it, I cannot stop crying. Shaking hands, swollen eyes, runny nose, headaches.
At night I was still crying, up until I fell asleep. In the morning I woke up with hives all over my body. I was having an allergic reaction. I almost went to the urgent care but it calmed down after a couple of allergy pills. It was my first time my body was breaking down like that, and my husband has done some googling and it looks like it’s possible to be allergic to your own tears.
I don’t want to auto diagnose myself, but it might explain a lot of things. Why I can’t stop crying, why my eyes are so swollen.
In these days I just want to hear the bad news, then go home and hide away. Think of something else. THEN once I’m less emotional and able to control my anxiety I can talk about what’s going on like a goddam adult.
Anyone else experience the same thing?
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self.Anxiety
|
i feel like a failure I always had these big dreams in life, I wanted to do this, or become that. I was a hopeful kid, i loved life and i wanted to make everyone happy. Some shitty stuff happened and i became a suicidal 7 y/o. 10 years later, im better, happier, but a lot more cynical. I meet this guy. He was completely head over heels with me. i have had people like me, but he was on a whole another level ahahah.But one thing was for sure, he isnt like me. Hes happy, he's had a good life. But he's mean. Judgemental. he asked me out, and i said yes, but only for a month, then we'll break up, and he agreed. but when the time, he came refused, and threatened to take his own life. and so, i let the relationship go on. Slowly i let him in, I told him more and more about myself and my past. He told me he still loved me, but looking back now, he was actually drifting away as i drifted towards him. he and i made plans for the future, and he would make me repeat the plans at least 5 times a wk. I started to believe in them. I told him i wanted to become a surgeon, but he didnt look keen. I asked him to refer me to his friends that need tutoring, as i want to tutor them for a bit of money for uni. But he asked me, "who do u think you are? Do you really think they'll want you?" i laughed it off, but it really hurt.
Im not the smartess, but i do try very hard. But i dont succeed. half a year into the relationship, we break up for good. We always had arguments about guys anyway. A stranger could look in my general direction and he'll tell me off. once he got mad because i had male classmates with me in my classes.
when we broke up, he didnt cry. he wasnt upset. but i cried a lot. i cried myself to sleep for 2 whole months. after the break up, i had to sit the UMAT, and fair to say, i did poorly, with a percentile of 75.
i feel like a failure. i continue to try hard in school, but i dont go far, well honestly i havent gotten my marks back, but i have no hope for them.
today i texted him to give him something, he refused to meet up. he talked about this female friend of his that got a 94 for umat and received offers for interviews for the uni i want to go. I've received nothing. I feel like a failure. I'm so embarrassed about myself. I made myself up to be this...this person meant for success, yet here i am still stuck on him.
what should i do?
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self.depression
|
Anyone else fall into a deep depression after being social? I went to a haunted house with a friend saturday, which was fun but draining. The next day, I had to keep up appearances with the in-laws for our monthly gathering.
Today, I woke up absolutely numb. I can't smile, cry, nothing. This is one of the lowest points I've ever been at, and it sucks having to do anything. I managed to get to the store to have dinner stuff tonight, but that's my limit today.
Anyone else have this problem? It could just be my extreme introversion, idk.
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self.bipolar
|
Late by a minute I was supposed to turn in an Apes (Ap Env Sci) group project last night at 11:59 I was making some edits at the end and turned it in at 12 since my clock was behind by a minute. It wasn't accepted, I really don't know how to feel right now
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self.depression
|
Asking for advice I suffer little to no anxiety and am a super calm person during the day. I really don't even get stressed by things that I should. I usually get severe anxiety attacks at night, though and have had trouble falling asleep because of them. I can't seem to find the source as to why it being dark makes me freak out. Anyone know what could cause it / got tips to help it?
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self.Anxiety
|
Support really scared Can any one give any support or advice on intrusive thoughts :( or if anyone can share their experience to make me realise I'm not the only sufferer please
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self.Anxiety
|
I'll be dead in 72 hours and nobody knows I have no clue what I can do in my last 72 hours besides messaging my friends. I just want to make people feel less guilty over my death.
It's not their fault in any way, but people feel guilt anyway. Maybe it's the natural self preservation instinct to protect the genes of your own species. Maybe it's merely social. Whatever it is, they still feel guilty, regardless of the fact they had no way to prevent this, and I can do nothing to stop them from feeling that way.
I don't care how I'm judged after death; I won't know it's happening. But my family and friends will feel bad, and I can't prevent that.
Life is the worst thing to happen to the universe.
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self.offmychest
|
Prescribed ativan, but really don't like it. Switching to xanax? So, when I was younger (around 18-19) I started having problems with anxiety/panic. Went to doc and he gave me prozac/xanax. The xanax was a huge help during intense anxiety/panic attack moments. Didn't make me drowsy, confused, dizzy, nothing. Just turned my dial down, and allowed me to relax on the absolute lowest dose. Perfect.
Fast forward 7-8 years. New doctor in a new state. I haven't had any sort of benzo since the first time the xanax was prescribed to me. Thought I'd give them another shot, as they seemed to really help for those "as needed" times. He prescribed me ativan. Said it was the same thing, but had a shorter half life, blah blah. It barely did anything for anxiety/panic and made me feel kind of jittery. I sort of hated it? Tried it a few more times after that. Same deal. It would help with panic SLIGHTLY, but nothing like the xanax. Also, jitters? After only trying 2-3 times, I pretty much chucked the rest of them.
Fast forward to present day. Recently got off prozac, and of course, anxiety is a bit worse now. Panic attacks slightly more frequent. Thought I'd go to the doc and ask about something for as needed when it gets really bad. Again, same doctor wants to prescribe ativan. I tell him I would prefer xanax if possible, it works much better for me, and the ativan made me feel weird. He insists on the ativan, again referring to the short half life and how he really doesn't like how xanax builds up in the system. I tell him I understand the risks, but that I've had both, and if I'm going to take either of them, I would prefer the one that actually works. Again insists on the ativan...at this point I didn't want to come off as desperate for xanax or w/e....I just didn't see the point of getting something that just didn't work well for me. So I take the ativan. Same deal...barely helps, jittery. So now I have 29 ativan that don't really do shit for me. Is it completely unreasonable to call and ask to be switched and return this medication. Maybe not to the pharmacy, but to the doctor to prove I'm not just trying to get high or w/e? Could switch doctors (and probably will eventually) but I'm short of cash, and don't really have the money to go through a full new signup, examination and all that again right now.
Is xanax way more taboo than ativan or something?
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self.Anxiety
|
Exhausted I've given up. I've tried meds with no success. I went to a therapist who was only interested in getting paid. She canceled our appointments because of her heavy caseload and left me with with no resources. I have no friends so I spend a majority of my time alone or with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is trying his hardest to support me but I have severe trust issues and I barely open up about my mental health. I think suicide is the best option because my future will be bleak and miserable.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Really scared because I feel nothing (blunted emotions) I was a perfectly normal human until about 6 months ago when I had a very stressful time and had a "mental breakdown", had a really bad panic attack and developed hypochondria, ended up going to the ER multiple times only to be laughed at. Developed depersonalization and derealization, which I am only slowly getting out of.
My hypochondria ranges from physical illness to mental illness. I've gotten over the physical illness part but I can't shake off the feeling that I'm slowly getting a severe mental illness.
I just changed my job of 4 years for a much better one. Lately I have been overanalyzing myself and I notice that a lot of the time I feel nothing and I just fake it. There are times when I laugh and it's not forced, but this past week, I find myself having to force emotions and it's really difficult. I know this is a symptom of many severe mental illnesses so it's just increasing my worries.
What do I do?
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self.Anxiety
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Reporting of Criminal/Terrorsist Actions as "Possibly mental health related" DAE feel furious when the media makes speculations that a criminal or terrorist carried out their crimes because of mental illness?
I'm in Australia and a man mowed down some people in Melbourne. They are reporting that he "had a mental health care plan" which is a form the GP fills out so you can get medicare rebated counselling. Whilst it may be the case that this person has some serious MH issues - such reporting seems to excuse the person's actions as if mental illness is the explanation and in doing so furthers the stigma around mental illness on a massive scale. I feel really pissed off.
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self.bipolar
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Ava Maria. I’ve not seen this but with Maria Bam bans ama happening tomorrow I think this is something we can all appreciate, aspire to, envy, and complain about. As a community!
https://youtu.be/AJaNJxyCaeM
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self.bipolar
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ECT Tomorrow I’m going for an ECT consultation to see if I can start doing it. I’m bipolar type 1 with psychotic features and I’m always at least passively suicidal. Medications have not and continue to not work for me, though I’m scared if I attempted to go off of them I’d just get even worse. Lately it’s gotten to the point that the voices telling me to kill myself are uncontrollable unless I reach out and tell someone what’s happening and then the stop for a little while.
Anyway, I just wanna know if anyone else has gone through ECT before and how/if it worked for them.
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else have anxiety about having/getting different mental disorders? I’m in class and we’re learning about schizophrenia and I just have bad anxiety now about it and having it. I mean I looked at the symptoms and stuff and I don’t have any of them I don’t hallucinate or hear voices etc. but still having horrible anxiety I still worry about it. I know this might sound dumb but does anyone else have these irrational fears about this as well?
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self.Anxiety
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a Vent about ongoing anxiety struggle First time posting on here so sorry for the length of the post. I'm curious about others' experiences and how they deal with their anxiety symptoms.
For as long as I can remember, I dealt with a lot of social and generalized anxiety growing up but living in an old school household I constantly felt pressured into the mentality of "manning up, anxiety is just those who are weak minded, etc" so I just kept living my life with the idea that the bottomless pit/worrisome feeling I had constantly was normal.
I get into pharmacy school where the stress of the fast pace classes just exacerbate the condition where I started having panic attacks in situations where I had previously never had an issue i.e. sitting on a plane home and thinking about it crashing, driving to work and having a feeling I was going to get into an accident, or just walking from class and a flood of stressful thoughts would invade my brain.
It got to the point where I would be sitting in my room watching TV and feel the panic attack start bubbling up with the symptoms lasting up to several days. All I could do was lie in bed clutching a pillow wide awake all night while constantly being bombarded with memories of embarrassing situations and other worries. The constant panic attacks left me constantly exhausted and racing thoughts caused insomnia where I would only sleep a couple hours a night at most and usually only could fall asleep once 6 am rolled around. Tried to go to the gym or golf but I had lost all interest in all the activities I used to love and stopped trying to pursue any relationships. Typically just wore a mask in public while I drank and took drugs heavily so friends just chalked it up as my hard partying persona. Texts would take me weeks to reply to and only texted friends to invite them out to drink all night despite having tests the next day.
Eventually, I broke down in a phone call with my parents about my struggles after unsuccessfully reaching out for help from school (the psychiatrist through a partnered school had a 5 month waiting list, school psychologist pretty much gave me a pamphlet and told me I was living an unhealthy lifestyle, and had waited 9 hours in the ER to receive an emergency script for Ativan). I made a trip back home that weekend after my parents set up an appointment with a family friend who was a psychiatrist where I received counseling and several prescriptions to help deal with anxiety and ADHD symptoms.
While the panic attacks have gone down over the course of a year after receiving counseling, it has still been a struggle to regain any interest in activities and relationships or even trying to talk to new people.
Sorry again for the long post but I wanted to hear from other people's experiences and how they handled their symptoms both healthily and non-healthily.
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self.Anxiety
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Good book on change Hi all, one of my anxiety sources is change. Changes in routine or a general loss of control over situations really put me on edge.
I wouldn’t say that I’m a control freak, but I’m a rather particular person.
A friend of mine bought me a book named Who Moved My Cheese. It’s a great book and a quick read. It’s helped me to cope with changes happening in my life and turn my attitude around a bit.
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self.Anxiety
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I’m starting to get to attached and I know it won’t end well. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Going to accept my fate and finally make a doctors appointment [deleted]
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self.depression
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How to cope with feeling worthless? Hey everyone,hope someone on here will be able to help. I've been suffering with depression/anxiety for a few years now. Often I feel fine and almost like a normal person for days/weeks. I have only ever been in a relationship once a couple of years ago but I would really like to feel close to someone and share my life with that person. I started getting closer to someone recently and during my "normal days" I feel so happy, even the fact that I managed to make good friends with someone makes me happy as I choose my friends carefully and don't connect well with many people. However once I have dark day/week I start to question everything. All the signs that he might like me back suddenly seem ridiculous and I am ashamed of myself for even considerint that someone might like me. I can't sww what anyone could possible see in me. Guys often hit on me and I guess I look ok but I haven't got the best body, I am a walking disaster,always tripping over stuff and forgetthing things. I am not a very good cook and I have no intereting hobbies as feeling anxious makes it hard to concentrate on reading etc. I never went to uni and I only work in a shop. I have nothing interesting to say and I am not very funny either. I feel like a flat character. I don't know if there is even any point in me being here? I just feel like every single person out there is better/more interesting than me. I will never enjoy life feeling that way. On my good days I'll be like "oh actually I am alright, I don't know what was wrong with me the other day" but as soon as depression hits me I'll tell myself to "get real" again and accept how shitty I am. I just want to be someone else.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Same repetitive fucking post by probably a million people because this is the reality of being fucjing crazy I typed and retyped this post a million times. This is the last time. I have Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. I'm not on meds, I was diagnosed last year. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I love bipolar but I hate how I feel right now and I'm scared I'm disillusioned by my mania, and that it prevents me from seeing how badly it actually impacts my life in all aspects. Am i even real? Do people know I'm off? I'm confused. How am i not supposed to kill myself when this is life and ultimately i'm trapped and will never be able to step back and see the bigger picture
Whats the point of even trying? I dont see it at all why not just travel and do coke until my heart explodes?
Edit: I was really fucked up when I made this post. I guess I blacked out. Living like this is like being on drugs 24-7
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self.bipolar
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Shit that helps to wake your brain when you don't want to die 1. Buy Groceries
-Soup
-Veggies (broccoli, carrots) and dip (hummus)
2. Read a chapter of any book. Try something different than you've read before.
3. Do an activity
-Exercise
-Play an instrument
-Fuck someone attractive
If you can cycle through these tips you're better than me
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self.depression
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Pushing emotions down need to sleep I keep pushing emotions down, I want to enjoy my day and life, so I ignore the sadness and anger. I am sad because my mom died Oct 2016, I am angry because my Dad remarried Jan 2018.
I can't stop having angry thoughts and arguments with him in my head. I just want to sleep, but can't stop thinking or crying. I just needed to say this in a safe place.
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self.Anxiety
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I can't afford going home for Christmas, and I feel so bad, I'm so angry. Don't know how to deal with these emotions. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Been depressed for most of my life. I've been depressed for most of my life and for the last year I've been spiraling down into a deeper depression since my best friend left me. Now I spend most of my time in my room playing video games and watching TV by myself. The only time I go out is when I want to watch a movie or get something to eat. I dont have anyone close to me: family or friends to talk to nowadays. I stopped my medication and my health has been on a steep decline as I lost self esteem of myself. I also quit my job out of being mentally unstable lately. I really need someone to talk to since I cant even talk to my therapist anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How are you guys? How's your mental health? I'm keeping up pretty good, although I've had a sort of hypochondria for about 2 weeks now. I also suffer from somniphobia and anxiety (of course).
I have an important exam on May 2018 and I should study for it but it just overburdens me at times, you know. I feel like I'll fail it and have to work at a shitty job for the rest of my life and live with my parents. That is the worst thought in my head. I have to learn, I know that. I just almost can't force myself to do so, especially maths (difficulty in maths was a major factor in developing my anxiety). I also have to choose my next education step, which is also difficult for me but I'm sort of managing it now. You could say I lack self-confidence big time but I'm trying to overcome it.
Anyways, how are you? I hope You're doing well. Please feel free to share and have a nice and peaceful day.
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self.Anxiety
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How did you know you were depressed initially ? This past year I find myself wanting to stay in more and more. Things I found joy in in the past I avoid now. I really felt it today when I was surrounded by my closest childhood friends. In the past I'd jump mountains to hang out with them. Tonight I found myself really feeling alarmed at how distant my mind felt. Sure, I crack jokes and seem fine on the outside but inside I just feel.... Empty. I don't know if a death of a parent can trigger these types of thoughts. But it's been a year since and I've been feeling profession worst. Has anyone experienced this?
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self.depression
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Everyday give rise to the question, "what is wrong with me" I went to see a doctor today, and then he recommended I see a psychologist. Psychologist then hears me out, reviews the list and thinks I have severe anxiety and moderate-severe depression. There are going to be follow-up tests to see if it might be hormonal changes, or due to thyroid. I don't know and I don't think I need to take medication.
The backstory: I graduated in May, worked two part-time jobs cause I thought I'd be unemployed for a while, then got a government job and started in July (this wasn't my first choice, I wanted to be an outdoor instructor but my mother was against it). I thought I could try to succeed in the job but from my third and fourth month onward I started crying and feeling more so stressed out at the job. Things move too fast that I cannot catch on, I feel I don't have anyone to talk to, I have troubles absorbing info and trying to concentrate and do what I need to do. I was crying every Sunday, sometimes after work, and I was in a perpetual daze. I thought something might be wrong with me, so I went to the doctor and the above happened.
Didn't know what to think. I always knew I had an anxiety issue (I don't like the thought or idea of failure, I never liked it throughout school and when I did fail I felt like a shameful embarrassment). Had dinner with my mom - told her. She listened but didn't really say anything. My brother learnt about it (he works as a nurse) - started speaking down at me, saying I'm not depressed, I'm in a depressive stage, I can quit my job anytime, everything I do is my own choice, he started bringing up his own shitty experiences and asking how come he's not depressed given his own circumstances, I'm not depressed because being depressed means I can't get out of bed, I can't eat or sleep or function like a human being.
It's not that I don't. I go through the routine because it's just what I have to do, but my mind and my heart isn't in it. But he kept saying all these things and I snapped. Left the room, he continued talking at me, I turned and screamed at him, smashed my phone, kicked at him, smashed a bowl, just lost all control and wept. Eventually we cleaned up everything (just my mom and me, he's a useless pos really). No one said anything to me (except him: "Its my fault if people step on the shards"). And here I am, with a phone that doesn't work and me just feeling utter shit about myself.
I don't know if I'm complaining and feeling shit about myself because I enjoy the pity? I don't. I hate it. I hate myself for being and feeling this way. I hate myself for not being able to cope on the job and thinking of leaving makes me feel even more like a failure (supposedly government jobs mean you're the cream of the crop). I hate myself for being so whiny and pathetic and I don't know how to get out of it.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
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self.depression
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Small Victory Saturday 2.10.18 Let's share our victories from the past month or so and celebrate together. Sometimes it's the little things like getting a full night's sleep without sleep aids or doing things others take for granted that are much bigger victories than we realize. What did you do that we can take a moment to appreciate?
I know this had been a weekly thread for awhile and I kind of feel like that was getting to be too often, but maybe once a month would be a good frequency to try this out for.
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self.bipolar
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The feeling of nothing My eyes are strung open, dry and empty. People and things around me have become shapeless. I try to move, just a bit, but my body is sluggish and heavy. Layer by layer, my skin flakes off, while the gelatin muscles drip off my bones. I hear sounds that sound like syllables but i can’t seem to turn them into coherent words. I want to scream and scream and scream until I’m raw, yet my breath breaks off and crumbles like ash. Sitting on a bus alone and full of people, I’m covering myself in my own heavy blanket. A fly would dance on my skin and I still wouldn’t move. My mind is decomposing while it’s still alive.
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self.depression
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Nothing much to live for it seems So my wife (only of four years) cheated on me two days before Valentine’s Day 2018. At first I really wanted to just separate, but her attempts to reconcile made me want to stick it out. Well soon after she is suddenly not fighting for me, and is dating the s.o.b.
We all three went to high school together, but it’s not like we were good friends or anything. Small town everyone knows everyone ya know? So the guy is married and has two kids, and she and I have one 2 year old son. She goes out every weekend with the guy to spend the night at a hotel. She doesn’t work and hasn’t worked in years, and I pay all the bills. I wasn’t the best in the relationship, but I wasn’t bad by any means. I never cheated or anything I just wasn’t as romantic as I needed to be. There are reasons for that, but let’s move on. So it’s been close to three months now or so and they have been fighting ALOT lately. She’s starting to see that the guy isn’t as perfect as she thought. Every time they fight and she sees him she acts and says stuff like she thinks they are going to break up. Well every time she comes home the next day it’s the same shit. They are still fighting, and she feels like she needs to dump him, but it never happens. I feel like I’ve put myself in such a low dark place y’all. How lame am I to sit here and wait on the sidelines to scoop her up once they split up. I feel so second choice, like garbage even a cat wouldn’t go through. I don’t have absolutely any friends and haven’t in years. My family and I aren’t close by any means. I’m outside right now and I feel like it’s getting to be the time for me to go ahead and end my life. I feel like it would be a good thing to do it while she is away so I’m not bothered. There’s just so much I want to say but my brain hurts from everything I don’t even know how to express what I’m feeling. I would do anything for this woman, and I’m just so lost. I don’t understand. I don’t have Facebook, or any other social media, so this will be my possible last post on the internet indefinitely. Thank you whoever you are for stumbling across this and listening to a broken soul.
So here’s an update. I just had to watch her get all prettied up, just to see her get into the guys truck just now. Now it’s just me and my two year old son. This is like the tenth time I had to watch this play out. Before she left she kissed my cheek gave me a hug and told me she loves me like she does every time. I’m so confused. I feel like I’m being played. I hate everything in the world.
Update #2
Like fifteen minutes after posting the first update I decided to load my son in the car and get some pods for my Juul to calm my nerves. Halfway there.... boom! Tire blows out. Alright no big deal, my life already sucks ass, but at least with this I have a spare. Nope the spare is flat. Now me and my son are stranded on the road at 1am. I hate my life
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE have a paralyzing fear of sleep? I hate going to sleep. But I love sleeping, I’m a high school student and I’m always tired. But recently (4 months-ish) I have this strong fear of going to sleep
I’m afraid of losing consciousness, I don’t like not being able to remember the hours I was asleep. I also am afraid I will never wake up.
I also think about dying a lot when I’m trying to fall asleep, asking questions to myself like ‘is falling asleep like dying?’, I’ve always had an additional paralyzing fear of death so that’s just a great addition.
I don’t see a therapist anymore and I feel really stupid talking to parents or friends about this. I guess I just kind of want to know if anyone is in the same boat/is it normal.
It’s currently 1:30am and I’m exhausted but I’m petrified to go to sleep. Please someone give me advice.
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self.Anxiety
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it's hard for me to take therapists and therapy seriously I do not know what to do with myself anymore.
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self.offmychest
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Slept over 70 hours over the long weekend and I still feel tired [deleted]
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self.depression
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It’s all my fault He killed himself, didn’t leave a note, he told his best friend it was because of me. I begged him to get help, but i wasn’t there when he needed me at the end.
It’s been three weeks since It happened and I can’t get out of this fog. Sometimes I can distract myself but then it all comes crashing back down.
His family just started contacting me, blaming me also. I can’t carry this all. I can’t get my brain to shut up. I don’t feel like I deserve anything at this point.
How do I get these voices to stop, because at this point i believe them when they tell me I don’t deserve to be here anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just want to go to work, and yet... Hey gang, first time posting here. Been dealing with anxiety and depression for a long time, but I'm broke and don't have insurance so I'm just kind of making myself deal with it until I can actually talk to a doctor and get a more reliable method of managing all this.
Which brings me to today. I called out of work. Not the first time I've done it, and I hated doing it the whole time. I'll get through some quick details and then get to what went down in my brain:
I work at a small retail store/pharmacy in a heavily populated part of town, and I always work the closing shift. I don't have a license so I take the bus, or an uber/lyft if I'm short on time. Work's about 3.5 miles away, so I never have a terribly expensive ride. I hate my job, because it's retail, and retail is what it's like when humans try to artificially construct their own hell on earth's surface, but I love my crew and we've really cultivated a "we're all in this together" sort of attitude about our shitty place of work.
Every day around three, I have to start getting ready. And I either blaze through it, or I stall out. I've got about a one in ten chance of stalling out completely, I've gotten pretty good with actually doing it, because I have rent to pay. But today was a stallout. I started feeling nervous and sick and just thinking about going to work made me anxious and upset. I don't want to let anyone (or myself) down, but it's like my brain was screaming in protest of me doing anything at all if it meant going there.
I've heard about executive dysfunction, and I'm not sure if it's a term that applies to what happens to me 100% of the time, but it really does feel like today I tried to swim against a rushing river of "no, no, no" and lost, and got swept away by it.
I don't know what to do when this happens. "Force myself to go to work" is what I thought I should do- and this thing hit me while I was trying to do exactly that. Now I'm left feeling a little nauseous, a lot guilty, and miserable all over.
What can I do? I don't want this thing to take any more days from me, workdays or otherwise.
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self.Anxiety
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My past and plan of action for the future For as long as I can remember I've felt emotionally flat. No real happiness or sadness just nothing I honestly feel I could see someone get knocked down by a car in front of me and I'd barely react.
I wasn't always this way I used to feel stuff as a kid but I think that's where my problems come from. I was bullied horrendously as a kid every day. The reason was I was born with a physical deformity that I had corrected in early adulthood I was called the most horrible names you could imagine. Told I would be a virgin forever and that no one would ever love me school really was hell for me.
My working theory is that my body just shut itself down to stop feeling anymore pain. I also can't remember much of my childhood now I suspect my mind has repressed the memories to prevent the trauma affecting me. There will also be a strong genetic component as two close family members suffer from mental health problems as well. In some ways it has helped me I never felt the stresses and pressures of exams and day to day work like other people and so was able to eventually get a good job. However it also left with no confidence around women.
I was terrified of rejection and never approached girls in college even after my problem was fixed as a result I was virgin all throughout college. After college I finally decided to bite the bullet and try online dating as at least I know the women there were interested in meeting a guy and there rejection would be less painful that way.
Why was I interested in meeting women given that I feel emotionally flat? Well I am a guy after all and I do find women attractive and I guess I was hoping a relationship would pull me out of this state and that maybe I'd start to feel emotions like everybody else plus a healthy dose of societal pressure that it was the accepted thing to do.
Honestly thank god for online dating if nothing else it restored my confidence that I wasn't completely unattractive I went from no sex in my life at all to sleeping with four women in a year it was just casual no feelings really involved but that was what I needed at that time just to build my confidence a bit and had gotten rid of the stigma of being a virgin.
I've finally met a great woman she's perfect on paper she's pretty, smart, kind and has the same quirky sense of humour as me and we've been seeing each other for a few months. I like her a great deal.
I guess my world was shattered when she told me she loved me. She's the first person to ever say that to me I never thought that I could be worthy of someones love until now. I finally feel truly comfortable around the opposite sex.
If this was a Hollywood movie this would be the happily ever after where she awakens something deep inside of me and I start to feel emotions again and we get married and have kids but that's not the way world works.
I think I lacked insight and denial about my problem and had come to accept it as how I am and that nothing could change it. This has however finally given me the confidence and motivation to see if I can change for the better. After years of avoiding dealing with this problem I have made an appointment with a physician urgently so I can try and reciprocate these feelings emotionally . I've finally see how impoverished the past years have been for me and can finally see a bright happy future for myself (good job, house, wife, kids) if i can fix this problem that I have.
My current plan of action is to go and see a physician get a formal diagnosis and start drug treatment as well as talking therapy does anyone else have any suggestions that they could add of what I should do?
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self.depression
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Being hyper-aware and struggling with overthinking Hello everyone,
I have reached a new and very unfamiliar place in my life and I feel very confused and lonely. Basically, I have been re-assesing my values over the past couple months and how to focus on being my own unique individual instead of relying on others for social gratification but this has presented some problems for me. I essentially feel like I always have to be saying something or there needs to be something going on or else my friend / other person is starting to realize how weird I am and how they can sense my anxieties because of my weird body language of where I am looking, how quiet I am, how much energy I have, etc.
Every social interaction now is just terrifying and takes so much energy out of me because my brain immediately analyzes every action or word I say or do as well as for the people I am around and then I have to tell myself that the analysis or meaning I am creating out of everything is wrong and that I am just overthinking which I know I am and then I have to dismiss all this and think of something to say or ask a question to other people so I can get myself out of my head otherwise I feel like this overthinking cycle will continue and if I stay silent then I am boring and making people uncomfortable and feel like they can clearly see my distress.
This has also become worse lately after having my demeanor with weed changed. I used to smoke everyday with my friends and I would just get relaxed and "high" but now I am extremely self-aware and socially aware and I have had this weird tic lately where if I look someone in the eye or have people look at me I feel like I get this weird head shake/bob that is uncontrollable, it just happens instantly, this is much more prevalent on weed and I get all tweaky and twitchy. I tell myself that people don't notice and don't care which is probably true but I can feel it and I want it to stop and I want to be in control and stop being so afraid of if people notice because I feel like then they can see exactly whats on my mind.
It's even worse watching a movie with friends now. I can't stop paying attention to what others are doing right next to me and also thinking that they are paying attention to me and noticing my leg twitches and that I am making everybody uncomfortable. I get so uncomfortable because of these involuntary reactions and tremors thinking that I am making people uncomfortable, my heartbeat starts to race and I start to have trouble breathing because I am focusing too much on my breathing and how they can see my elevated breathing because of certain words or scenes in a movie that trigger this but I don't want to give them the wrong message and think that im making it personal or that I have some problem. This never used to be a problem for me until this last summer. I am thinking maybe it had to do with a bad acid trip I had with a friend and his girlfriend but I don't know, I don't know how to relax anymore.
This overthinking and hyper-awareness of my body and everything thats going on around me and these head and leg tremors I am getting is killing me on the inside and I don't even know who I am anymore and I am so afraid of going to hang out with my old friends anymore. Can somebody provide me any clarity on what I can and should do? I'll do anything I can to fix these problems and go back to my old self.
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self.depression
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Anxiety Wars: Return of The Stuttering I grew up with a bad stutter. Most of it came when I had to read out loud in class, got called on for questions. Often slipped out in conversations, usually in a group setting. Through seeing psychologists it was linked with anxiety. Though my stuttering whittled away overtime, specially throughout college, my anxiety didn't. Recently it's comeback. At first with trouble answering phones, the other day it started popping back up into conversations, in group and one on one settings.
Just wanted to reach out to see if anybody else has any advice or similar experiences? Thank you in advance.
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self.Anxiety
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Sick of being Dom & Sub shit!! Sorry for posting that disgust things here..
I'm 20 years old, yes I'm quite young I know, the whole shit started when I was a kid, 6 years old I guess, I discovered that I like to be tortured so I told my mom at that time " Would you like to torture me? " I don't know where it did come from! but I only remember this! I remember also me tying up my sister's doll and imagining torturing her, when I was a bit older like 7 years old, I was doing this over and over, I also don't know why, When I get bit older, like 10 years old, I started to wear my sisters's and mom's under wears, not imagining myself girl, but imagining myself being punished by humiliating me and forced to wear like girls, I didn't have a particular person to imagine him/her doing this, I was imagining anyone, even cartoon characters, then When I get 12/13 years old, I started to watch porn, I was always looking for torturing videos, but not as you guess, I was watching videos that the girl being punished at not the man, and then I decided to be a DOM, I made accounts on social sites, searching for girls into that shit for me, I had a little fast relationship from this, but one day, 4 years ago, I met a girl in real life, we started as friends then we got into a relationship, a normal relationship in the start, but I was attracting her to be my sub slowly, and yes it worked, and she became my sub in bed times, but I was respecting her and treating her well in public and in any other situation, three months ago, we broke up, and it crushed me so damn much, after four years, she admitted that she was the reason of that we couldn't continue together, and she apologized fuck yea thank you! anyway, I started to hate porn because she was perfectly my type in sex, so I was seeing her in each video I watch, and I couldn't stand that, one time, I decided to watch movies that men get punished and humiliated in, and I did, and I like it, and now I made accounts on social media as a sub looking to be owned, and now I'm a Sub, and im into a fucking disgust things that I couldn't imagine one day I'd like that!!
Actually now I'm doing both, sometimes I role as a Dom with girl, and at the same time I role as a Sub with another
I want this to be stopped right now, I want to be normal, I want to stop watch porn with all its types and kinds, I wake up everyday find my hand on my dick like I'm masturbating!, I hate myself when I do like that! I want to feel better, I feel I'm fucking up my life with this shits
any advices please..
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self.offmychest
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Always alone. Just once I'd like someone to be there. I have been through hell, Who in this subject hasn't? I'm ill and in pain and my parents call me all sorts of demeaning names and steal my pain medication which is all that is between me and blood cancer which doctors have been evil and cruel about because I'm broke and the disrespect makes me want to die early, peacefully, euthanized, but I'm sad that all I am to the people who should be the closest to me have been as evil as the rest. I feel like death is the only way to flee from the monsters as I'm bedridden at this point and can't fight, not that they have not physically also used me as a punching bag when angry. Truth be told I wish I could have my health back instead of death being the kindest option. I am clad it is their because I've already been tortured in horrific ways so yeah death is way better. I need to get it over with but each time I have to get all the tools together I feel an over whelming need for someone who cares to be there, just so I can know I will not end up in the clutches of monsters again, and I'm sad because I fear I will not find that person. I read in Oregon people stay with others who are dying, but I don't want them getting in trouble if they know what I need to do, and they could bee seen as aiding in a murder or something. Anybody understand what I mean?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I damn need a damn brain transplant You must be wondering why and what I'm on about: please listen, I'm not your average or ugly person who who wish they looked like models or movie stars, this is a post from someone who has a real aesthetic problem. Every time I go out I realise that absolutely no one is as ugly as me. Again, I'm not your usual ugly person. This is not BDD, this isn't low self-esteem, this is a real problem.
I don't even care anymore about the fact that no girl is into me, I just wish I could stop having to avoid mirrors like the plague. I've been mocked my whole life because of my looks, in school no one would want to be friends with me, someone even texted me anonymously just to tell me that a few guys and the texter themselves talked about how disgustingly ugly I am.
I'm sick of my life: again, every time I go out I feel even worse. I don't need to look at attractive people to feel bad, anyone looks much better. Every time I watch a movie I can't stop wishing I looked like one of the characters, be it Jack Dawson or Mr.Bean. I can't enjoy my life, period. I'll kill myself as soon as I have the money to move out of my parents' basement.
If you're curious to know why I chose that title: a brain transplant would get me a new face but I'd still be myself. I'd still have my personality, my emotions, feelings, talents etc.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm so unhappy with where my health is at. I'm overweight. I have constant headaches and my anxiety is through the roof. I had such a bad panic attack that I thought I was having a heart attack last week. I constantly have stomach pain. I'm so exhausted I can barely function. I can't focus. I have no motivation. I'm on 60mg of prozac and 40mg of Latuda and it doesn't seem to be doing much. I switched psychiatrists and I still have two more weeks until my first appointment. No doctor has been able to find the cause for my headaches/stomach aches and I'm beginning to think it's just anxiety related and nothing will ever help. I want to be functional again.
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self.bipolar
|
Aversion to touch I’m generally uncomfortable with other people touching me, even if it’s something like a handshake or a hug from a family member. I also try to avoid touching other people at all times, even close friends, and when sitting with people I’ll make myself as small as possible to avoid contact.
I’ve been wondering if this is in part because of bipolar, or something else entirely. Does anyone else have a similar aversion to touching or being touched and/or any insight into the cause of it?
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self.bipolar
|
Do any of you have advice on how to deal with relationship anxiety? I'm male, 23, with a general anxiety disorder. Whenever I get into a relationship, especially at the beginning (first couple of months), I get huge bouts of anxiety and feelings that I'm not good enough for this person, or that I'll mess things up and lose something good.
Does anyone else deal with this?
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self.Anxiety
|
I had the tie around my neck But I chickened out. I pulled it tight and for several seconds it felt tight and it was hard to breath. I felt pulsing in my neck but I let go. My 7 month old was sleeping in his crib that I was using to hold the tie up while I let it choke me and my 2 year old and husband was asleep in the bedroom. That was about half an hour ago. My husband just started a new job so I have no insurance. My anxiety has gotten so bad I have started making my toddler stay up late until 3 or 4 am so he will sleep to 3 or 4 in the afternoon and when the baby isn't awake I sleep too just waiting for my husband to be home. I love my kids but I hate being a mother. I favor the baby over the toddler and the guilt over that kills me. If I go to the ER my husband will have to watch the kids and he will loose his job and they will have nothing. I'm too selfish to just be a good mother and stop being depressed and anxious but I'm not selfish enough to abandon them even though they would be better off without me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I saw a puppy die and I could've saved it. **Slight NSFL warning here. Please turn away if you easily get squeamish.**
This happened yesterday. I was on my way to work when I saw a puppy near our street. It looked sort of like a Mini Pinscher. It looked lost. It was friendly, curious, and well-cared for. Nothing about its appearance made it look like it was a stray. Besides, I live in a private subdivision and we don't see many strays around.
I watched it for a while. It was sniffing and chewing on the leaves of the plants outside someone's house. I assumed someone nearby owned it, but I wasn't too sure. Already I was getting the feeling that I should take it home and look for its owner.
I didn't. I had an important meeting at work, so I had to tear myself away and leave it on its own, hoping that someone will find it and take care of it. Even so, I kept thinking about the dog all day. Something about it gave me a feeling of foreboding, and I was already regretting my decision to leave.
On my way home that evening, on the same street I saw it last, the puppy was lying dead on its side. The crushed left side of its face was on the ground, on a small pool of blood. The blood didn't even look dry yet, but I definitely didn't see a car nearby. What I can't forget is the look on its face: an anguished, wailing expression, its eye looking into nothingness.
I'm not sure if it was dead when I got there. It probably was, but the blood looked so fresh, and its eye was so full of pain that I can't be sure.
I couldn't do anything. It was as if some sick deity knew that I was worrying about the dog the whole day and gave me some perverted sort of closure. I must have spent five minutes staring at the dog at my feet before a policeman came and took the body.
The one thing on my mind was the fact that I could have saved it when I first saw it. I even wanted to. But I didn't.
Now I can't stop thinking of the terrible expression on its face. Morbid, horrible questions keep running over my head. How long must it have suffered there on that lonely street, crying and screaming? Did it die immediately or did it lie there howling in pain for what must have been an eternity? How scared was it the entire day, lost and seemingly abandoned by its owner? How did it get hit? What if it was still alive when I found it and all I did was stare dumbstruck? What if I had just arrived a few minutes earlier?
What if I had just taken it in when I saw it?
I could've saved it. I can't take the fact that it didn't have to die. Its death served no higher purpose. It was random, cruel, and pointless.
And I could've saved it. It's been a day but I can still see it lying there at my feet. I know it's just a dog. It wasn't even mine. But I just can't move on.
I could've saved it.
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self.offmychest
|
I try to find a solution but the results are so discouraging I search for posts on how to win back someone or gain their forgiveness but the responses are just people saying that it’ll either take a long time or they might just choose not to.
Why did I have to be so broken... why couldn’t I fit in? All I wanted was to make friends. Not hurt anyone. Jolene I’m so sorry.
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self.depression
|
I hate myself and want to die I've had inherited depression for my whole life but only recently have I really felt suicidal and I feel like I'm going to do it before Christmas.
I've fucked up my life so bad it would just be easier to kill myself than just wallow in this misery. I'm a relapsed heroin addict that lives with his parents, whom I've also stolen thousands from. Paying them back is the only reason I want to live but I am in so much pain and so ashamed I don't even want to be seen. I also have thousands in debt on 3 credit cards.
My girlfriend that I relapsed with was someone very special to me, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her but she dumped me a week ago because she decided she wants to be single. I told her since we're both trying to quit heroin we could help each other but she wants no part of me. She was the only person I had to talk to, I have no friends besides her anymore.
It seems so like such a better option to grab the rifle from upstairs, drive into the woods, and shoot myself than wallow through the pile of shit that is my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else thinking they don't deserve love? Even though some of my friends tell me otherwise I still feel guilty of what I've done and unworthy of everything
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self.depression
|
Pretty much everyone has bailed on my birthday this year [deleted]
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self.depression
|
5+ straight days of essentially fully day long panic attacks I'm losing my mind here.
Background: I've had anxiety issues since ~2010, at which point I was put on Zoloft (~100 mg I believe). After a few years, they upped my dosage of Zoloft (to 150 mg) to try to help with depression. The Zoloft generally kept my anxiety under wraps, with only occasional mild flare-ups and short lived anxiety attacks. It didn't really end up helping with my depression at all though, so they added in 150 mg Wellbutrin, which also didn't help much. Then a couple of months ago, they tapered down my Zoloft until I was off it -- I had a few minor anxiety flare ups at that point, but they went away before long.
Then around 3 weeks ago, they upped my Wellbutrin dosage to 300 mg. Within a week or so, it seemed to be really beneficial for my depression, but I noticed an upward trend in anxiety. Looking around online, I saw a lot of people say that they had anxiety flare ups when starting higher doses of Wellbutrin, but that they went away within a week or two. Well, it has been two weeks since I noticed the anxiety spiking upward, and it has only gotten much worse.
Last Thursday was the first day that was pretty much a full day long panic attack (every day except for one that has been full blown panic attacks have been 99% hyperventilation focused*). I couldn't fall asleep Thursday night until I finally found some almost 10 year old xanax I had stashed away somewhere from when I first started having anxiety attacks -- I fell asleep around 4 am, and then just called in sick to work on that Friday. That Friday was more of the same -- I messaged my primary care doctor who put me back on zoloft (only 50 mg this time, and she said to start with only 25 mg for the first few days for some reason?) and put a prescription for xanax out at the front desk of the clinic for me to pick up first thing Saturday. I ended up going to an urgent care on Friday night (which was largely useless - the doctor that was caring for me literally looked to be half asleep, but he prescribed me some ambien to help sleep).
It turns out that xanax doesn't seem to help me all that much. The pills given to me were 0.5 mg, and I found that if I take a full pill I just get really tired while still having a panic attack. A half pill appears to calm me down a little (mostly it slows down my heart rate so I'm not going at 115 bpm constantly and am just at 95 bpm instead).
Since all I had Wellbutrin-wise was the 300 mg pills, I decided to skip taking it on Saturday (I may have skipped Friday too, I don't clearly remember). Bad idea. I apparently started going through withdrawals on Sunday on top of the anxiety attacks, so I took one of the Wellbutrin pills to try to stop the withdrawal symptoms (my doctor sent in a prescription this morning for the 150 mg Wellbutrin for me to go back to those).
And the anxiety continues today. Literally the most I've managed to accomplish today at work in 6 or 7 hours here is typing this post. I've been really tempted to go to the ER basically every day since last Thursday, but I don't know that it will accomplish anything.
- On the hyperventilation -- I've tried the 7/11 breathing and other techniques, and at best they help for the short period of time while I am doing them, and then the problem immediately returns afterwards. I have plenty of other symptoms associated with the anxiety, but they almost all seem to stem from the hyperventilation. I own a small pulse oximeter, and even though I can use it and see that my oxygen saturation is essentially always 95% or higher, I can't convince my brain that I'm hyperventilating and that I need to calm the fuck down. Additionally, at least one (or both) of my nostrils pretty much always feels plugged, so it makes it feel even more like I'm not getting enough oxygen.
So yeah, I'm kinda at my wit's end here. My body is feeling drained as hell, my entire torso is sore from being tensed up for the last five days, I'm feeling really dehydrated no matter how much water I drink, etc etc. I'm not looking for condolences or anything like that, but rather hoping that someone might have some new suggestions. Or if nothing else, if anyone has any idea how long of a recovery I'm potentially looking at while waiting for the Zoloft to kick in/the switch back to 150 mg Wellbutrin to kick in.
EDIT:
Weird detail: one of the only times that the anxiety seems to go away, oddly, is when I'm in the bathroom pooping. -- I mean, I imagine it has something to do with the vagus nerve since it handles stuff to do with the heart, lungs, and digestive system, and I imagine it's telling the body "hey, if he's sitting down and pooping then it must not be a time we need to be panicking."
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self.Anxiety
|
Living with a SO+ having BP I have BP1. My partner does not. He rolls over all the time to tell me to get off my phone and sleep. I have insomnia so you want me to just lay in the dark for the next 4-8 hours, bored out of my mind. He doesn't get it. Also being BP1, I have to get entertained all day long to keep my brain going. I like meeting new people & having conversations and he doesn't. He is also a military veteran & keeps to him self. That's ok to be different but don't tell me to go to bed (while I'm in bed) and tell me to go sleep (when I can't) or to get off my phone (source of entertainment, networking, funny stuff, science articles, etc) it's just silly and a waste of breath and mind ya own business.
Note; I love that he does care about me & my well being, I just think his approach needs work. I understand his view point. I also know there are more than one way to skin a cat. Or some other saying of symbolism.
Basically like, telling a person with anxiety to chill out. That's not helpful. If it were that easy you wouldn't be having panic attacks, correct?
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self.bipolar
|
"If you think too much in the past you get depressed, if you think too much in the future you get anxious" . I CANNOT GET MYSELF TO DO ANYTHING !!
I have zero motivation I think. So I can get up, get dressed, clean myself, eat all that stuff. However, that’s pretty much all I can. Other than that I just sit on the internet all day. I have interests but I spend more time thinking about them rather than actually doing them. Or when I do try I get frustrated and overwhelmed and shutdown. I can barley do my school work either. I feel stuck.
I’m always thinking about my past and what I could have done better or I’m thinking about my future and afraid of failure. I feel paralyzed I can’t doing anything remotely productive to better my life. One of my family members said it best “ you are useless douche that takes up space.” “Why don’t you do something else other than stare at your phone and watching porn all day.”
Fuck my life I’m going to end up failing out of college living with my parents working a minimum wage job until they die. Then I’ll be homeless. I may as well just kill myself. I’m a dumb piece of shit barley passing my classes wasting my parents money, putting my self and debt. Fml I can’t take it anymore.
Sorry for the poor grammar I’m retard.
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self.Anxiety
|
Life is a synonym for loneliness This is my world view
* I don't want to be alive anymore
* Things will never get better
* People always lie when convenient
* Love is a made up concept
* Trust is begging to be stabbed in the back
* Friendship is temporary
* No one actually cares
* I can't be fixed
* Life is a synonym for loneliness
* Death is the only chance at freedom
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A pretty nice victory in my healing process I'm always pretty down on myself in the moments of anxiety. I always get angry when I end up avoiding things that are perfectly safe.
But today I looked at the big picture, and despite having a numerous list of triggers and fears, this year I've managed to travel to Rome, Venice, Paris, Denver, Atlanta, Seattle, Miami, and Las Vegas. Despite having a thousand reasons not to go, I realize on each occasion I took a little bit of my control back and did what I wanted to do anyway.
So looking at the big picture, I'm fine. And even though every day is a struggle, I'm proud of myself in the grand scheme of things. I'm feeling pretty good today.
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m on cymbalta. For the first time in my life I’m feeling good!!!! I’m coping!!!! [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Cannot stop thinking Does anyone else have trouble with overthinking and if so have you found anything that works for you?
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self.bipolar
|
My roommate has forced me to go and get help After she was talking to my friend before university she is forcing me to go to the doctor to get help it is more work and more painful but it's really nice to see someone care for my life. I really don't want to book it but I'll have to also anyone reading this if you need help and can get it reach out please. I want you to be happy and live
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self.depression
|
extreme suicidal ideation daily i'm kind of normal and functioning on the outside but its just a front
i think about suicide a lot and i think i'm gonna do it one day, not now or but someday
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self.depression
|
my boyfriend has to sleep with a fan on and i’m growing more and more resentful every night. We’ve been together for about a year and a half, and he slowly moved in over time until he was just sleeping here every night, which is fine with me. but he insists on sleeping with a fan because he likes to be cold when he sleeps. I hate it. I hate being cold. I’m always cold no matter what. I can be wrapped up in 3 blankets and the fan still bothers me. I’ve been sick with a cold for the last few days and he still leaves it on all night, pointing at us. One night I turned it off after he had fallen asleep and he woke up right away and yelled at me. I can’t do this anymore y’all. I’m cold.
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self.offmychest
|
Christmas is just around the corner.. fucking yay. I hate Christmas. I hate it so much. It's the time of year where my depression gets significantly worse. It's where everyone is all fucking happy but I feel like I want to close myself off in a dark room and not talk, see, or hear anybody. My parents want to put the Christmas tree up next weekend and I don't want to be a part of it.
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self.depression
|
I keep hurting the one I love the most [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Someone followed me and yelled at me for taking a cupcake There was a speaking event at my university with a giant pile of cupcakes in the back. I stopped and took one on my way to work in the library. Unbeknownst to me someone followed me from there to the library. I turned around from getting a drink at a drinking fountain in the library and I was startled by this guy standing behind me. He yelled "Next time you take food at least have the courtesy to stay and listen to the lecture" and then he stomped off.
It was pretty scary to have someone follow me just to yell at me for taking a cupcake. There was no shortage of cupcakes and they were provided by the school's catering services. I don't understand how someone could be so upset about it.
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self.offmychest
|
I've lost everything, and have started rebuilding my life but I'm just so sick of it all. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I want to help my friend. Hello everyone. I'm sure there are plenty of posts out there like this but I wanted to try making one of my own. My friend and I are both very poorly off physically and mentally we have bonded a lot over the last year and she is a friend I could see having around for my entire life. So my friend and I have been staying together for almost three months and things are fine. I have my own issues she has hers. She's type two bipolar and recently has hit a low. I understand that there's nothing I can do to help her and I understand and accept that. What I want to know is how to better understand her and try to treat her normally which is something I have been abysmal at. I give her the space she needs whenever she needs it I try to text her (sadly to a lack of response, however I will try) and I have my own issues so some days it feels like I'm the problem and I should just leave. I have depression, mild Asperger's and a few other mental issues and it's tough seeing the only friend I care about go through this. I don't mean this to sound like a pity party I apologise. Is there anything I can do to be supportive? Should I just end the trip here? It's the last thing I want to do but if it helps her I'm okay with it. I will never claim to understand what she's going through. I appreciate you taking the time to read this, sorry for the formatting.
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self.bipolar
|
Feeling like my life has plateaued. Haven’t accomplished anything since 2013 [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm gonna kill myself someday And that day gets closer and closer
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How to come down from extreme rage Right now I'm feeling extreme amounts of rage and I can't shake it off! What do you do to calm down when you feel like this!
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self.bipolar
|
Nightmares every night, what helps you? I keep having very vivd nightmares that prevent me from getting sleep. Honestly, I dread sleeping because of it and they affect my wake life as well. I know I need to sleep otherwise my episodes will be worse. Have you had this issue? If so, is there anything that helped you?
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self.bipolar
|
I’m just not happy anymore. I’m struggling with everyday life and I just don’t wanna do anything anymore. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Anxiety and flatulence Since I was diagnosed with GAD I've been having constant gas. No bloating no constipation....just passing gas all day. Sometimes slight pain on right abdomen.
Tried to eat less fatty foods...took some activated charcoal, simethicone etc but with NO LUCK.
Should I get an gastroscopy or something ? Been having this for almost 4 months.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I've fucked up my life in so many ways that I don't even want to think about it I just want to get away from it all. Most of my problems don't have a solution anyway.
I don't want anyone to care for me after I die, I want to be forgotten, I want it all to end soon. I should never have been born in the first place.
I had my hopes up for a good life, but it's all fucked up now. I'm sorry to be unable to enjoy such a beautiful world because of who I am and the shitty decisions I've taken.
Don't reply anything to this post, just read it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
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