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I woke up yesterday with the feeling of having nothing left Forget it | self.SuicideWatch |
End of my 19th birthday and barely anyone cared :( [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Just wanted to say There's nothing like nighttime depression + cold weather. Gotta love it.. | self.depression |
Wishbone Today I got to break the wishbone and my only wish was to die. I've been fighting this for nearly 16 years now. I'm on medication and seeing my doctor but I still want to die. I've recently been building a playlist of music for my calling hours as well as narrowing what songs I'd like to have start/end the service. I just want to be done. | self.SuicideWatch |
Male reactions to wellbutrin? What's up guys. I've been going through a real bad period of depression this past year , and I went on Zoloft for about 4 months before stopping due to crazy weight gain, lack of motivation, apathy, anhedonia, and the death of my dick. Ya know, the usual stuff. I want to try pharmaceuticals one more time, and I've been reading up on Wellbutrin. So apparently it acts on different neurotransmitters, dopamine instead of serotonin like your typical SSRIs. So, I just have a couple questions...
1. How was your libido/overall want for sex ? Were you able to keep it up and is sex still fun for you?
2. Did you notice any personality changes? Im a pretty emotional guy , and I'm a people person. Wellbutrin is considered a CNS stimulant much like adderall, and when I take adderall I become this douchey, robotic , emotionally dead asshole. Will wellbutrin be the same thing ?
3. For you that are creatively inclined , did you notice any effect on your creative process? Less/more creative etc?
Thanks! | self.depression |
Please PLEASE get out Get out of my head FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck please leave please erase yourselves from my memory PLEASE | self.offmychest |
Did something terrible and just want to end it all https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/7jirgj/united_states_i_basically_did_hit_and_run_in/dr6ncub/?context=3
I can't sleep or think because of this I am scared and crying and see no way out. What's the point in going on if I'm a terrible person. I'm so lost and worthless | self.SuicideWatch |
I never asked to be born What the fuck were my parents thinking, why why why why.. fuck fuck fuck why!? | self.depression |
Is it okay that I'm dropping a Bunch of classes? So this semester has been a complete travesty. I changed my major to music and I have zero knowledge of actually reading music (got accepted for my vocals). I started off on the wrong foot; my schedule wasn't finalized until the second week. I've been low on money the whole time and it took me a while to finally get all my supplies. And I was under the impression that I HAD to enroll in 8 classes. Monday-Friday. Commuting takes 2 hours out of my day. We're required to go to 13 concerts. For one of my classes I am required to tutor a student at another school 6 times. I also worked Thursday-Sunday from 5-10:30/11:30 PM. I mean I don't know about you but to me that schedule was a ****ing nightmare. Especially since I didn't know anything about music theory, didn't know a single person at the school, and I have pretty poor coordination (making the piano class I had to take super hard). Plus there's no support at home. My mom seriously expected me to double major it with something else, while commuting, while having a part-time job. Her response when I told her it's just music was "Oh. You know they don't make money right?" Like thanks!!! That totally doesn't make my already horrid anxiety 100x worse.
And because I have the type of anxiety where my response is to just do NOTHING and to just avoid all my problems, it takes me forever to actually go and ask for help. Well, I finally registered for the Disability services, as I was diagnosed with severe Inattentive-type ADHD. I am also scheduling an appointment to see if I have Dyspraxia, as the psychologist who diagnosed me said she thinks I have a learning disability. And I'm also going to get an examination for GAD because I'm maybe 933092039% sure I have it. Maybe even Avoidant Personality Disorder because my solution to anything is to avoid it.
When I finally registered my disability, the disability counselor informed me that I only need to take as many units as I'd like to. Not 12+, like what I initially thought. Meaning I was given the O.K. to drop classes, even though the deadline passed weeks ago for everybody else.
And the thing is, I want to drop literally 6 of the 8 classes, and just stick to 2. I have been failing so badly this semester because I've been COMPLETELY overwhelmed, with crippling anxiety, having no support, and I was too afraid to even ask for help. And I don't want horrid grades on my transcript.
I want to take these next 3 months to get my life together. Make myself get organized. Make sure I have money. Study and practice during this break. Learn how to schedule my days and to follow through. To finally get the body I want (I suspect I have to lose no more than 10 lbs of fat for this). To make sure that I start the semester with confidence, so that I'm not some weird pain-in-the-ass.
You guys think this is ok? | self.Anxiety |
I'm depressed because of a girl As pathetic as it sounds I am depressed over a girl. There really is a lot to this story but I don't want this post to be really long. so basically I started talking to a girl at university and I started to grow feelings, and I made sure to make that known to her. A few months in she went back to her ex over Xmas break and didn't talk to me anymore. I know this bc of snapchat. And for the first time in my life I wanted to die. Then he cheated on her. Then she come crawling back to me. I let her back in my life like a sucker and one day she hits me with "I'm on a dating fast".. which makes no sense because we slept together multiple times and even kissed after that.. But to her that's perfectly okay because she's on a dating fast. If youre doing a date fast then you should fucking act like it right? Do you see what I'm saying. She was extremely confusing and the whole thing was a complete cluster fuck of mixed signals. One time she was drunk and she fucking grab my belt on my pants and looked at me like she wanted to fuck right there. Basically this bull shit happened for a whole year until I couldnt take it anymore and cut her off for good. She knew about my depression because she read my reddit posts and looking back I think she just felt sorry for me, she didn't want go date me. She wanted to stop me from killing myself, thats all it was. To make her feel better about herself. I thought she actually liked me. Ironically she just made my depression much much worse. ever since this experience I have never been the same since. I have just never felt so heart broken and teased,i have never felt so strung along, so damaged by a single person like this ever in my life
I don't know what kind of response I'm expecting. I just want to feel like these feelings I have are validated. I felt like nobody could see this bullshit except for me. My self esteem is shot because this left me feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. Now I am terrified of talking to girls. Im having a lot of trouble getting over this and just would like some perspective. I just want to fucking move on with my life and leave this behind for good. Thank you so much for reading | self.depression |
How to trigger depression Last night, my baby ( my 10 year old cat, Ninja), had to be put down after we discovered an infection surrounding his organs in pus. He had always helped me through my episodes and definitely encouraged me to no give in to suicidal ideations.
Let’s just say that I discovered my strongest trigger for depression. | self.bipolar |
Promotion while hypomanic - I could lose my job someday. Hey, guys. Novel. TLDR at the bottom.
So for the last like 6 months I’ve been riding the hypomanic train and my work productivity is double the expectation. So I got a promotion last month.
My boss messaged me on Slack (our chat program) telling me I qualified for a promotion and asked if I wanted to go for it. He didn’t say anything about the expectations, and he urged me to take it. So I did.
Then I find out I got the promotion, then they tell me the new role expectations. Basically I had to keep up the same amount of work on a consistent level.
What happens when my hypomanic episode ends and I can’t perform to the same level? I didn’t tell him why, but I asked him what happens; do I get demoted?
Nope. If I can’t keep up and it goes on for too long I could be “dismissed” by the company. What did I get myself into?!
I never want it to last, ever. Going 4 nights without sleep, being promiscuous, blah blah blah is so bad for me emotionally, but now I’m worried that I can’t keep up and that I could lose my job. I was thinking about going to HR to have a confidential discussion about my diagnosis and how that affects work.
Has this happened to any of you? Is going to HR confidentially a good plan? I’ve gone to them with other mental health issues and haven’t had any repercussions or retribution as a result, so I feel like I could trust them with this.
Any help or advice would be great. Thank you!
TLDR: I got a promotion during a long term hypomanic episode and now I’m worried I can’t keep up and could lose my job when my mania ends. Thanks! | self.bipolar |
Concealed depression, the irrational rationality of a normal psychopath. I've known I been depressed pretty much as far as i can go down my memory lane. That same memory lane is the one that has a toll on my believed condition. This memory has to lead me to notice everyone's depression, I know that guy walking takes drugs, I know my girlfriend is cheating on me. My memories are correct, and I will always win that argument because I am conscious of my goods and bad.
Probably the best liar I've met to date, and sometimes it took months to spot that pathological lair in the circle of friends, I am not like that. I lie to improvise situations, learn people and develop higher tolerance of real liars that invade with negativity and random bullshit. I also lie more just to see if I get called out on it, or what reactions I will receive based on an improvised lie. Hence its improvised, it then becomes straightforward to fake your mistakes and instantly fix it with real knowledge.
I am well advanced in many complicated fields, from knowing many languages, computer languages, sports, video games - Ill outdrink any drinker and will out smoke any smoker.
I do not take drugs, or drink or smoke. I've taken all drugs, drank all liquids and smoked all pipes. Doesn't solve anything, rather than blames the specific thing for intruding the life.
Nothing repetitive can be done for long periods of time. If I'm doing ANYTHING, it must affect positively something else I know, improve a skill that shouldn't be developed.
Shortcuts, ahh shortcuts. I would fail individually on things, just to then overcome it from learning alternatives that have lead to my initial failure. Gives me a high leverage for learning things excessively fast. Almost impossible to keep friends, since I am better than them in situations they've performed since the early age when I started last week.
A miserable life, help me. | self.depression |
I have been off of my meds for a month, and I feel really duped right now. I know for a fact that I am not bipolar. I have never had trouble staying up all night, I do not have a pattern of over spending, I do have some impulse control problems but that is likely because I have some social skills I need to incorporate more into my life, not because I am bipolar.
I've had substance abuse, alcohol abuse, self-harm, and suicidal ideation in the past, and I have been VERY tempted to start up again as of late.
I have had mood swings, but I do not know what in my brain could have triggered that. I have gone from feeling very happy to very sad, and have had triggers from a social standpoint. Perhaps someone looked at me wrong after I cracked a joke, and it would send me into a depression because I thought they hated me. Someone passed me by in the hall without even looking at me, or something similar to that, and I would take it as though they despised me and that I was a horrible person.
People would say nice things to me, and it would send me up. Sometimes I would go up for no reason other than just because it was a good day.
I do have anxiety, and I have had bouts of depression frequently where I wanted to end my life, and came close to it a few times.
I do not have borderline, as I do not split or have toxic relationships. I've been single for almost six years.
I do not know what in the world to do. Its been very frustrating. For about 6 months I was on Latuda and Lamictal, and during that time was when I felt I was in my darkest. Since getting off of the meds, I feel much better. However, that could all be due to circumstances and have nothing to do with the medications.
I feel like I was duped into thinking I was bipolar by my own mind. I had mood swings, did stupid things, and tried to justify it by thinking I was bipolar. I do not know what to do. I will likely go to a different psychiatric provider and ask them to do an assessment and find out what they think. I will tell them nothing of my past diagnosis, only that I want a screening.
What do you guys think? Do you have anything to add to this? | self.bipolar |
I feel like I'm wasting my time and I'm failing at everything [deleted] | self.depression |
i just came to the realization that this is never going to stop. never in my goddamn life will i be “normal.” i was born with a broken mind, riddled with disorders, and it’s the very same one that i’m going to die with. not a day will ever go by that i’m not plagued with something or other.
i don’t want to live like this, but i’m too scared to die.
it’s too much. and i’m too weak to handle it. | self.depression |
I got dumped, was in a car crash and lost one of my friends all in the space of 3 months. [deleted] | self.depression |
People are Stupid - last night So a bit of back story. I've had one super close friend since I was 12. I'm in my mid 30's now. He and my ex hated each other, so there was a falling out for a couple of years ago. Now we see each other every chance we get. I have to drive 90 minutes to the town he lives in once every few weeks to see the shrink and we always do dinner and catch up. We also talk and text constantly.
My friendship with him predates my diagnoses and my wife by generally a decade. He has taken me to the hospital before. He is aware (one of the few) that I am bipolar and on medication. For whatever reason last night, after almost 20 years of diagnoses, and 11 years of marriage, he starts getting curious about it. Best friend ever. Would gladly die for this man. 20+ years, first time we talked about it.
We cover all my meds, what they do, side effects, why I take the specific med, how I know it's working.
We cover bipolar. What it is. How I ended up with it, who decided I had it, etc.
So we have this informative talk were I basically convey all the info I've learned over 20 years. Then he says it, and although I love the man I could punch him in the face "I remember when you were normal. You were fine till you met your ex. All of your breakdowns have been because of her, or her leaving you. If you just worked out every day and stayed away from your ex you could get off the meds and there wouldn't be anything wrong with you.". I swear to hell I could have hit him.
I was diagnosed and been to the hospital 4-5 times before I met my ex. It's hereditary. Since the formation of the diagnoses at least one person per generation has had it (2 in mine). It's also progressive when untreated so although I've been diagnosed 20 years, I've only been taking it seriously for a couple. It finally spiraled out of control to the point where it was fight or die. Did my ex help? Not at all, in fact I'm sure all the torture and abuse helped push me over the edge that I was inevitably going over anyhow. Are my breakdown and manic episodes because my wife left me? No. I was having them already and she left me because it was to much for her. Of course having the only person you love and your only support person scream at you over something you can't control and leave makes it worse, especially during a mixed episode so to make it go away I would self medicate via drugs and alcohol. This cycle went on for years.
I'm out of it now happily on my way to divorce. My life is in total ruination. Doing some push ups and staying away from my awful wife will fix it though. Thank you Dr.Lifelong Best friend.
I would not have been able to avoid telling him. He has taken me and visited me in the hospital more times than anyone, my ex wife included. He is my only support person in real life, and the only person I can count on. It just blew me away.
tl;dr: Working out and staying away from bad SOs is the cure. | self.bipolar |
I feel like everyone eventually hates me Hi guys
I've never been very good at making friends, and when I do, they seem to eventually hate me and stop talking to me. My parents and the few friends I have from childhood all tell me it could be due to many reasons, and that maybe they are jealous because im pretty or successful in their eyes (which i think im neither lol)
It really sucks because its sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy by now, I try and approach new people, think they hate me and that they will leave me, and it happens. Ive been spending a lot of my time with my parents and dont want to put myself out there and go through the pain of being left alone again and having barely no friends.
Maybe its the anxiety talking, but i have been excluded from many groups of friends all my life, and last year I was diagnosed with depression and was taking antidepressants. Maybe i just have very negative thoughts due to this :(
Anyone with similar experiences or how has anyone overcome this?? | self.Anxiety |
Oh how good it'd feel with a hug I don't remember the last time i was hugged in real life. I do remember though that hugs are nice, or at least the idea of them seem nice. I think. | self.depression |
Unable to Plan for the Future I'm 18 now and I'm being pressured to have a long-term plan. I'm being pushed to keep getting education, but I can't take any more of that. I just hate being judged so much, I can't stand it. Now I'm all wound up, still awake at 5am, knowing that my parents are disappointed in me for being such a slacker and not knowing where I'm going in life and feeling like shit about it.
It just feels like, no matter what I do, I'm going to get lazy and drop out. I've never been able to picture a real future for myself, and now that I'm expected to have everything worked out it's all just getting worse. | self.depression |
Does Alcohol make anyone depressed? I see a lot of people say it makes them a lot more manic, but I feel like I have an opposite reaction. I guess when I've been more depressed than normal, alcohol makes it feel like I can't hold back the flood gates of emotions. I had like one drink last night at my friends and I collapsed on the ground of his bathroom unable to move trying to hold back too many tears. I don't get how it makes people feel better. Even if I'm feeling more hypomanic than usual I feel like being inebriated makes me feel more sad than happy. Even if it doesn't usually the week after (especially the day after) I feel super fucking empty. Like I can't express emotions, and I just feel depressed. I didn't think it was alcohol causing crashes since I've only heard people say it causes ups and not downs, but now I'm starting to think it causes bad downs for me. Especially in the moment of being drunk. | self.bipolar |
I feel like one of the worst feelings about depression isn’t how the feelings make you feel this way... Everyone deserves to feel sad. Like Inside Out taught, it only makes us human. What I really dislike about depression is how much depression:
1. Doesn’t give a fuck about how much you’re Numb/hurting inside
2. Surprisingly thrives more off of your numbness and pain/suffering. It’s a really weird juxtaposition to have. Instead of your body realizing you’re in pain and trying to do all it can to alleviate it, it instead submits even more to the depression and makes everything feel even more crippling.
And I know that while running/working out, being outside... just doing anything at all that’s distracting helps. It still doesn’t alleviate the thoughts enough to fully forget about it even after the activities are completed.... fuck I hate this. | self.depression |
I hope 2K likes my money Just spent my entire bank account on stupid ass VC because hey why not I need better cards for myteam! Who needs $450 anyway haha :( | self.bipolar |
My internet addiction is what's keeping me alive Every since I received my laptop as a gift from my dad when I was 8 I became addicted to it. It was so surreal and the only way for me to escape this world. Whenever my parents take away my laptop I feel like someone just took a part from me. When my parents had fights about divorce late at night like 3am I would wake up while crying then pull out my laptop and start playing minecraft, or watching youtube while tears rolled down my cheeks. I always dreamed of becoming a youtuber so I can feel my opinion was heard by others cause I always felt worthless. When my dad took my laptop away from me I would pretend that I was filming a video talking about my struggles and how to overcome it while strolling around my room. I never really felt genuine love from anybody, ever, and the internet was the only place that made me feel loved. I truly don't know if I can handle this world without the internet, it just makes me very numb but happy at the same time. I would truly smile when watching videos, but not when I spend time with friends and family. This is how much it mattered to me, and how it really reflected me as a person. I don't know how to cure it, nor do I know how to just take a break from. Last time I forced myself to give it up for 4 months of summer 2017 I broke into tears everyday. It's the only thing that helps take away the pain. I always think I can never last any longer than 2 years without the internet. It's my life, I'm afraid if I lose it I'll lose my soul along with it. | self.SuicideWatch |
Dating someone who has BPD Hi everyone. Yesterday my girlfriend opened up to me and told me she has BPD and that she can feel a low coming on. She’s going through a lot right now and had to move across country suddenly so it makes sense (not that there always has to be a reason). I have done a little bit of research about BPD but I haven’t found any decent articles about how to handle highs and lows as the partner in the relationship.
I was wondering if you had any advise or tips for me? She says nothing and nobody can help when she’s in her lows and she’ll go MIA for a few days. I want to be able to help but like she said, nothing works. I feel a little helpless.
Thank you | self.bipolar |
I’m terrified of nuclear war and can’t stop worrying about impending doom I suppose the media’s fear mongering certainly works. All I can think about is how within 30 years, some major war could happen that directly affects me. I’ve not lived through any conflicts that directly affects me in such a way that I’ll be scared for my life or way of life in a significant way. I’m terrified of the collapse of society, and I’m extremely worried about the state of the world right now.
In an ideal world, I live to a ripe old age of 90 years old, And pass peacefully in my sleep surrounded by friends and family, but trying to imagine an extra 70 years without any sort of major conflict seems crazy. There’s no way peace can last THAT long, especially not in this social climate, right?
My life may just end in a sudden flash or morning in a nuclear fireball and that’ll be that. Or maybe society collapses with the advent of all out war. Maybe I get drafted into the army. Or years from now, my kids or grandkids are killed in war. It’s getting me down being so scared of this all the time and it certainly keeps me up at night. | self.depression |
My girlfriend just dumped me today and my nan is can’t breath without the assistance life support. Could my life get any worse? It feels as if a massive hole has been breached in my chest, it hurts so much :( | self.depression |
How often do you go through long periods of "normal"? For discussion purposes, I have type ii and don't take meds.
Weirdly, I have felt really normal for a straight month. I had 2 days of semi depression but that was it. Otherwise I am as emotionally and mentally "normal" as can be. Like, I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad. I am not making risky decisions or talking too much. And it's weird because I've not had a period of this kind of relief in years. Wondering what others have experienced normality and balance when it's usually rare for you. | self.bipolar |
Mixed episodes Guys is a mixed episode when you feel happy and depressed at the same time? Or is it when your singing and dancing one minute then thinking of suicide the next? | self.bipolar |
Does anyone else find it hard to sleep ? [deleted] | self.depression |
I've never been okay when ive been with my family. We've had sole very big rough patches yhe last few years anf ive never talked to them about my problems because i dont like tp talk about it. I cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about it. Dae? | self.Anxiety |
Pretty sure my best friend is sleeping with my recent ex-girlfriend who I still care about. Thinking about ending it all. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Professor Criticizing My Fear of Public Speaking Public speaking is a course that's required for all students at my university. Throughout most of my assignments so far this semester, my professor basically writes "you really need to get over your fear of public speaking" in one lengthy form or another in the comments after I get graded on my assignments. My anxiety is really visible, and I wish it wasn't.
She doesn't really explain much about what I could improve on for the content of my presentations. She just gives vague, short comments like "this was an interesting and detailed poem" or "interesting monologue on your difficulties in life", but never explains why it's interesting. She probably was bored or hated reading/listening to whatever I had to say.
It's just really only one short comment on the content of my presentation, and then a lengthy complaint on my phobia of speaking. I don't think my grades in the class have been going well. I can't drop the class because it'll affect me being able to have enough credits to live on campus, and it's passed the deadline for me to drop or withdraw from that class anyways. It's hard to ask for an alternative assignment that doesn't involve presenting in front of class because that professor strictly requires all students to present on stage.
I wish I could get over my fear of public speaking that easily like overnight, and I know speaking is a skill people need in the adult world. No matter how much I prepare, it doesn't seem like I could just get over it. I feel like I piss off my professor just because I can't get over my fear. | self.Anxiety |
I'm going to the hospital tomorrow They want to have me under observation for 2 weeks to treat my depression., I'm scared but I feel I need the help. | self.depression |
Hearing and speech impaired. I want to kill myself I had hearing problems since I was 4 years old, I soon went deaf and got implants at 11 years old.
I was homeschool most of my life until I entered school in the 10th grade 3 years ago.
I want nothing more then to be able to talk, laugh, go out and have fun with people. The only thing stopping me is my disabilities. I can hear just fine normally. But at school, there is so much noise. I can only sit back and do nothing.
People only look at me as some weird kid, who never says anything. The times I do try talking to people, I am severely hindered by my speech disability.
Only a few people know I'm suicidal, they keep telling me how smart I am and how successful I will be. Without meaning to brag I recently got a 35 in the reading section of the ACT.
But all of that is pointless. what good are money and success if I am going to be alone forever? I was offered multiple times to take part in the deaf community, but I refused. I just want to be normal. I hate having to have special situations made for me.
I am capable of so much more.
I have been thinking about killing myself these past few days. Not because life has gotten so hard. But because I don't see the point of continuing. My condition will never get better, I will always be deaf and alone. Money and fame are worthless to me if I am going to live my entire life unhappily.
Some say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But those people are so wrong, my problems are permanent.
I just want a friend. | self.depression |
Dr. Anxiety Does anyone else get anxiety over calling or going to the dr? I have many health issues and I should be checking in with my drs way more than I do. I freeze up or procrastinate. Some of this is due to medical trauma I’ve been through. I also feel like I’m not important enough to bother my dr. I even pay out of pocket for a concierge dr and I don’t use him like I could which makes my husband upset. | self.Anxiety |
Living with depression is such a brutal handicap With today’s competitive schooling and work environments, depression is so much of a burden. Fuck. You have to try so much harder to get the same results. And sometimes the good results don’t even make you feel good! It’s constant grinding with no lasting satisfaction. | self.depression |
I don't go to sleep at night because I don't want to face tomorrow I am contracted in the military while attending college, so I have to wake up every morning at 5 AM for physical training. I stay up until 2 or 3 AM because I don't want the night to end where I am in my comfort zone in my room. Been trying to find methods or reasons to want to sleep earlier because it's really bad for me to split up my sleep. But I have no motivation to start the next day. I always wish to myself there was a pause button. side note: i don't post on reddit often so i apologize if there's any cringe, thanks for listening | self.depression |
Getting motivated to get help I was diagnosed with a mood disorder and PTSD ~1.5 years ago. I was getting help for a while but I dropped out of school and moved out of state so I just haven't been able to do that in the past year. I live with (and mooch off of) an SO but I've been fairly isolated for about 6 months. I've been doing online school but had to drop my classes this semester when I started working. Now all I do is this stupid part-time job. I should probably quit because it makes me incredibly suicidal. It's all so superficial. It doesn't feel beneath me but I really just don't mesh with it.
Anyway. Health insurance. I can't figure out how to fill out the income stuff. A hospital near me has people that can help but I just can't find the motivation to even call them. It's like I'm trying to prevent myself from getting help. It's not even just psychiatric reasons that I want health insurance. I have a referral for a neurologist. I've been having memory issues, twitches, etc. I know I won't go without insurance. I probably could stand to get on birth control and check out some other persistent problems too but a) I know I won't be taken seriously and b) the only thing I genuinely like about myself is my mind so that's the priority.
I'm not completely not trying. I'll take St. John's Wort if I'm persistently suicidal but it doesn't help with motivation. I've been going to support groups. I'll "decide" to be motivated but end up collapsed and sobbing before I get out of the door. Play music, leave my phone behind so I don't get sidetracked. Tell people what I'm doing so I feel pressured to keep my word. Incentivize with promises of fast food, caffeine, or chocolate. I dunno what else to do. I can't even tell if it's laziness or depression or something else. The only thing that motivates me to go to work is fear which is also the main thing that prevents me from quitting. | self.depression |
Update: Yesterday I learned how my mother killed herself. Today I contemplate doing the same. (I'm older than her today) Old thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/6ofjdu/yesterday_i_learned_how_my_mother_killed_herself/
So the day is 13/11/17 (or 11/13/17 for US) and now I'm older than her. If you see the thread you can see I praise my girlfriend etc. I've been single for a month now, everything went to shit. I can't feed myself, I look like a rotting corpse compared to last week. My thinking is blurry and yeah fuck it. My life so fucking futile and I guess I'll just sit here until I lose my patience. Just ranting, sorry..
I'm 21 now, same age as her on the same day she did it. I'm older than she ever got to be. So fucking weird. Also I guess same title as before, with some slight modifications. Uugh my head doesn't work.
| self.SuicideWatch |
Evolutionary argument for virginity makes no sense to me This is so random, but this is a thought that has occurred to me so many times and I don't know, I've just got to throw it out into the abyss.
People are constantly asking why (I've seen it on Reddit a few times) men/society are so obsessed with female virgins. The main argument that tends to arise is that it's evolutionary- that a man would be "guaranteed" that the virgin's children would be his.
This just doesn't make any damned sense to me. I agree that marrying a virgin would raise your certainty of paternity a TINY bit. But if you think about it, there's only one scenario that virginity is definitely protecting against-
That the girl didn't get knocked up by someone, then IMMEDIATELY marry you quickly enough for the pregnancy to show, or to make paternity doubtful when the baby is born (even if you're not showing, you can't give birth five months after having sex with your husband for the first time to a fully developed baby and convincingly claim it's his- this is a window of like two-three months tops during which a woman could bang a man to lose her virginity to and then marry and have sex with the husband).
If you marry a virgin, you can be positive she isn't currently pregnant with another man's baby. But this would be rendered completely obsolete if you just held off on marrying/having sex with the girl for a minimum of like three/four months.
It doesn't predict whether the woman will cheat on you immediately, or ever.
It just doesn't make logical sense to me. It does so little to ensure paternity. Like marrying a woman who's generally honest would give you a MUCH better shot of her children actually being sired by you than just marrying a virgin.
I don't know. I know a lot of men prefer virgins and I don't know why, but the glaring logical holes in the evolutionary theory are too annoying for me to ignore. | self.offmychest |
Stuck at a random Starbucks so i just got off of work and it's super dark. to get to my bus stop i have to walk across a pitch black parking lot that's mostly empty and it usually makes me super paranoid but nothing ever happens. a couple people drove really slowly right next to me for no real reason so i got super anxious. when i got to the stop i realized that i was a quarter short of my bus fare which never happens (i always make sure i have everything i need no matter what) and it kinda just built on until i was having a full blown panic attack at this bus stop at night, sobbing my eyes out. my mom told me to walk to a starbucks that is across the street and i got here but it's so dark that i can't really tell where i am and what directions what and it just makes me even more anxious i just want to go home i don't want to be here all of the employees can tell i'm upset and agghhhhhh i'm so scared my head hurts so badly | self.Anxiety |
My girlfriends mothers "revolutionary Christmas idea is" utterly pointless. So, currently my girlfriend and I live with her parents, it's a cash saving exercise. It's also driving us insane.
At the start of November her mum started asking us what we wanted for christmas. We both said "nothing". We have everything that we want, more than we need, and are currently trying to save as much cash as possible. We sold most of our possessions to move in here, the last thing we need is more possessions. We both politely declined any form of gift and explained that we would be buying small gifts for people with the explicit instruction that we want nothing in return.
This blew up into a huge argument with us being called selfish (lolwut) for not accepting gifts (yeswut) which was only resolved when her mum put forward a revolutionary gifting solution:
We all make a list of things that we want up to the value of £150. We all send our list, plus the £150 to one person, who buys it all on amazon. Then we wrap it all up, put it under the tree, and open it on christmas day.
I pointed out that we might as well all just buy ourselves presents, wrap them up and put them under the tree. I was again called selfish and told that this exercise is nothing like that. I have now explained it six times, each time I have been told that the idea is nothing like everyone buying their own gifts.
I now give up, and am thinking of booking a short break in Belarus over the christmas period. | self.offmychest |
I am in love with a woman who has already a boyfriend [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I don't have the words. Made the mistake of hanging out with "friends" today. I thought I could handle it but I was wrong. I could hardly engage in conversation and came close to having a panic attack when we went out in the afternoon. Now I feel guilty for having wasted everyone's time. Just a bad day all around.
I'm such a hypocrite. I'm lonely, but I can't stand being around people. I've already realized nobody gives a shit, yet I'm still clinging to the hope that one day someone will turn to me and ask, "Hey, are you ok?" Everyone I know feels like a stranger to me, yet I still wish there was someone I could pour my heart out to.
I'm just so upset that I didn't kill myself when I felt really truly ready. Now I'm 50/50 about it at best. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have no options. | self.depression |
Having strange symptoms, don't know where to turn. I have had clinical depression/anxiety since I was a young child, but I hadn't been on medication for years. I am currently 19 and my first year of college spun out of control with depression and I ended up moving back home and going to a local college instead. After trying a few med combinations I settled on Lexipro and Welbutrin. However, after over a year on medication, I am having new symptoms. I can no longer focus on dialogue nearly as well as I could before and finishing conversations is hard. Reading is even harder and finishing pages is difficult. Not only is my attention span shortened, but I feel like I am thinking slower. It is like there is a swarm of bees over every thought. Since it started it has only been getting worse. I don't feel as safe when I drive anymore, because I feel like I can't think straight. It is sort of like a permanent whispering noise. Not voices, but a wind over everything. I don't know where to post this, if this is the wrong place saying where would be better to post it would be better. | self.depression |
I keep contemplating it more than ever. I feel like its the right thing to do am I wrong? im 23f, i live in california. i have bf of 7 years 24m. he is irresponsible i kept thinking hell catch up soon on his maturity. Im in debt becuase of medical issues about 10k. im so in debt. eveytime me and him fight i just cant stand it. any time im having a bad day. I contemplate suicide. its beginning to be more and more often. I cant take this. I think I should really just end my life. I dont know what to do?
| self.SuicideWatch |
Life seems to be crumbling down in all respects I'm 19 years old. I've been going through a rough patch lately. Recently broke up with a girl who meant the world to me. She was the closest friend I had in school and after 2 years of being each other's best friends, we decided to get into a relationship. Now I had issues with my parents and I used to talk to her about all my problems. Just two months into the relationship, she told me I was being too dependent and it was getting burdening for her. She told me we should get back to being friends but suddenly started acting cold as hell and bluntly saying I "was" a friend, am not anymore and that she can't take me anymore. Cut off completely after abusing me badly. It hurt. Too much. What isn't helping is that my college is in a different city, where I live, and am stuck in a course I don't like and am already a sophomore. Have to be here for 3 more years. I don't know what I want to do in life and even if I do, all of it is clashing with my grades here. I started smoking a lot lately. But the main tripping point was that last night I had a very bad nightmare. I am way too attached to my dog who is a year old. I had this dream that I was chasing him and endlessly stabbing him with a knife. Countless number of times. It was so scary I woke up immediately. I love him too much and even the very fact that I had such a dream disturbs me. My exams are gonna start in two days and I don't know shit. I told my mom I need help but all she does is panick badly and it doesn't help. She never understood me and my dad would just verbally abuse me if I tell him even a little of all this. I did have difficulties coping with my emotions when I was 15 and tried to tell him but all he did then was abuse me and shut my mouth. Scarred me forever.
| self.offmychest |
I don't know what i am going to do with my life. I am 16 years old and because of my depression and severe anxiety I can not go to a public school. I no longer have any friends and when I ask someone to hangout they always bail out. I do not know what I want to do in the future. I just feel like there is nothing worth living for. Nothing interests me anymore. Everyday I wish I would just die in my sleep. | self.depression |
A server made me cry this morning I just have to let this out somewhere because my family are 3000 miles away and my husband is currently sleeping in the next room and I don't want to disturb him.
Since emigrating, I've really struggled with going outside and human interactions in general. I don't like straying off too far by myself so stick with a mile patch around our apartment. Even then, I have to mentally prepare myself before I go. Most of the time, I am able to do my daily activities without incident and can hold conversations with cashiers and other folks in stores.
Today we ran out of a few groceries so I nipped out. I then decided to treat myself to some breakfast and went to a cafe nearby. The place was really packed out so I was feeling a little out of sorts when I went to the front to be served. The interaction was just terrible. After taking half of my order, the server suddenly flipped and was really harsh with me and berated me for not raising my voice to satisfactory levels in front of the other customers. Bear in mind, I've been in there plenty of times at various points throughout the day and no one else serving me has had an issue with my volume or asked me to repeat myself. I initially tried smiling it off because her tone caught me completely off guard but she carried on and would not drop the subject. I just felt so humiliated and embarrassed. I quickly got what I wanted and ducked out.
I just let the tears out in the elevator up to the apartment and sat on the sofa feeling thoroughly miserable. I also managed to give myself a nosebleed which didn't help matters. My tears weren't just from anxiety but shame too- I'm a grown woman and being reduced to a nervous wreck whenever things go awry, is embarrassing and exhausting.
I felt like I was making progress but have been knocked back a fair bit and it's frustrating. I'll definitely be avoiding the cafe for now too. | self.Anxiety |
Bipolar gf with anxiety broke up. Any help is appreciated. I had been with this girl for about a year now. She suffers from bipolar and anxiety. She does not take any medication for bipolar, at least, she has not been taking any this past year while she has been with me. Sometimes she would try some medication for anxiety, after reading about it online.
We hit it off really, really well. We live in a small college town, so would run into each other all the time. However I asked her out after seeing her around for 4 years, and she seemed like what I had always made her out to be. Thoughtful, sincere, caring, loving, artsy. The lovemaking sessions were never-ending and she seemed to not get enough of me, ever. We were happy, peaceful and in love.
She told me all about her rough childhood. And she always used to tell me about her exes. The one who killed himself (long after they had broken up), and the one who abused her and cheated on her. She also had a promiscuous streak in the past. I sometimes used to feel jealous on hearing all this, and it used to cause friction.
One day something snapped, and she wanted me out of her life. It was the worst and scariest fight I have ever been. A few days later, we were back (after I called).
A few weeks later, we were meeting a few friends in a local bar. There was some tension from before, but it was getting better, or so I thought. She whispered she loves me in my ear. Then, she went out suddenly to smoke outside in the middle of a conversation with my friend. I went looking for her, sensing something is not right. She broke up with me.
This kept happening. We would get back together, and everything would be nice, and she would say she loves me so much, and that she wants to marry me, and she wants to move away with me when I finish my degree. But then in a few days she would call me and tell me something's not right. If she does something that I do not like, and I tell her that, in a few days, I receive a break up.
She had been the sweetest girlfriend I have ever had. And I really do love her. But she also has been the meanest. I would later get tired with this constant tug of war with my emotions. And I do not know if the sweet one is the "real" her, and the mean one is because of the disease, or vice-versa, or if there is no real one as such.
She is always surrounding herself with male friends and admirers. According to her, all girls want drama and are mean. After each of our major fights, she would always be spending time with this older guy, and I used to hate that. She told me that it is just coincidence, that she would never do that to me, and that she could never consider him that way. However sure enough, this time also, it is the same thing.
I really loved her, and put in a lot in this relationship. I just want to know what can I do now. She has blocked me everywhere. I sent her an email, asking her to consider that she might be having a bipolar episode. Her reply was - "Do not contact me again. I do not want to talk to you. It’s that simple. Leave me alone."
If she is having a manic episode, I do not know if she will contact me back once it's over. However how much can I really shove under the rug because of the disease? Today I saw her flirting with the aforementioned older guy, and it broke my heart. We were in the same coffee shop. Surely she knows the ramifications of her actions? I can not fathom how the same girl who used to tell me how much she loves me can make a perfect 180 turn so suddenly in a day, and say all the horrible things.
I apologize for this very long post. I would appreciate any help.
| self.bipolar |
Advice on seeing a movie alone? There's this new movie that I really want to see (Beirut) but I have no friends to go see it with. This happened when the first star wars reboot came out a few years ago, I had to wait 6 months for it to come out on DVD.
I've tried going by myself but I get super self conscious when the theater starts filling up. It feels like everyone can tell I'm a loser sitting by myself.
Any advice ? | self.depression |
What did I do to deserve to be so unlovable? It really fucking sucks not having anyone to love or be loved by in your life. I know you're going to say "oh but your family and friends love you" first of all stfu and secondly they dont and even if they do they're horrible at showing it and I dont really care about any of them. My desire to die has reached the point where I no longer care what my family goes through.
But is it wrong to just have wanted a romantic relationship? To have been able to call a girl mine? Someone who could offer me that companionship and love like no one else could?
I dont think that would've healed me but at least I wouldn't be here right now fucking thinking of killing myself and having tried to stab myself with a broken bottle (btw much harder than you think)
Is it so wrong to want to be loved? To want a certain type of love? Idk, but I know that I never got it. And never will. So while everyone at school, even like 5 grades younger are all celebrating their relationships, I'm just here, a fucking loner loser piece of shit thats about to die. The only girls I've ever even touched were hookers, I've been the emotional support to so many girls but once they get back on their feet they always go to the next guy and tbh I'm not angry at women at all; its all my fault. I cant be loved. I'm ugly inside and out.
But... Can't I still wish for that? Who am I kidding, of course I cant. I don't even deserve that. I'll never have someone who'll even say they love me and truly mean it.
Fuck this. | self.depression |
How to take sick says from work/school? Does anybody have any advice for the best way to call in sick when youre depressed. Im in grad school. I am just starting On meds that will help but this week/weekend has just been really rough. I feel awkward telling people i am depressed but if i cant make it into my morning class and i come in later and I'm not coughing up a lung I dont know what to say...
| self.depression |
Lost my son Im 43 years old. In 2013 i thought i got the worst news i would ever receive. My wife had finally lost the battle to cancer. She died 27/2/13. I was left with our 9 year old son. I became severly depressed after. But i always tried to do everything i could for my son. Losing his mother destroyed both of us. He was a champ, handled the situation way better than me. Yesterday at 14:37 i was contacted by the police. They told me there had been an accident. He was on his bike heading home from school. A driver lost control of his car and hit my son. 13 years old gone way too soon. One thing is to lose your wife. But losing my son is just too much. Tonight i will hang myself. He was the only family i had left. I had found true happiness. But everything has been taking from me | self.SuicideWatch |
I am a teacher (US) & going back to work tomorrow is making me anxious I work in South Florida, approx. 30 mins or so from Parkland. I am also a middle school teacher. Since the shooting last week, everything has been so jumbled. We were on voluntary lockdown Wed-Fri, which made my students antsy, and this long weekend has just meant more time hearing the news. Everyone has an opinion about how to handle this, and a lot of people in my life have thrown unwarranted suggestions at me, from changing careers to buying a firearm (neither of which I will be doing).
Teaching is my safe place. It's my passion and it's where I find joy. Now it's been tainted - hopefully temporarily - by this incident and the fallout from it. I just need to figure out how to cleanse myself of the stress. Any suggestions for getting my head back in the right place?? | self.Anxiety |
I can't go on a trip longer than 2 days because I have no one to tend to my cat. My brother invited me to stay with him for a week. I was super excited, I've never stayed away from home overnight or traveled at all, he lives near a major city and said we could do all kinds of cool shit. But...that would mean leaving my cat for a week. Someone would have to refill her food bowl and clean her litter box a couple times in there. And I have no one to do it. I don't have any friends and my dad can't be trusted and my mom doesn't want to so the trip is cut from 7 days to 2 because that's all my mom would agree to.
:/ sucks. I wouldn't trade this cat for the world, she means everything to me and I'm not resentful of her or some shit. It's just frustrating becauae 7 days down to 2 is a major leap. That's 6 hours traveling time total, cuts down on time for activities...very unfortunate. And I can't take her with me because they have 2 other cats that are territorial and aggressive to other cats.
*Maybe* I could ask to bring her and she could stay in their basement. Which isn't as mean as it sounds because their basement is massive and heated and very nice. But I can't ask that, that's rude right? And she's very skittish so the car ride would probably freak her out. But she's never ever gone outside of her litter box so that wouldn't even be a problem. Idk.
And my mom didn't sound like she liked the idea at all, 2 days or 7, which is a whole separate issue. The way she said "Uh, no" three times when I asked her about it just makes my soul shrivel. I can tell there's something she's not saying. But it's not like I really expected her to take care of my pet for an entire week...she has the right to say no.
Just...sigh. I got *this* close to some freedom and time away from my parents for the first time in my life and it was gone no sooner than I thought I had it.
And before anyone suggests it, kennels are out of the question. No way would I trust a boarding place/kennel with my baby. | self.offmychest |
I think I drown myself in my own self pity because deep down I really just want someone to approach and validate how I feel about my lfie I know this is really bad, but am I the only person that feels this way? | self.depression |
Disability Anyone on here receive SSI? I’ve been unable to hold a job for more than a year for probably ten years. I’m getting older and I’m worried that I’ll never be able to support myself.
Has anyone gone through the application process? I don’t know where to begin and my doctor says she won’t do the paperwork for anyone. | self.bipolar |
Bipolar. Damn, I didn't see that one. What do I do from here? All my life, I have had the symptoms of Bipolar, but never knew it. I knew something was up 7 years ago when I realized I couldn't even get out of bed some mornings and my college grades were suffering. 4 years later, I finally straight up ask my doctor if it is ADHD or something. Next thing I know, I'm on Wellbutrin, but nothing seemed to change. New doctor and she takes me off Wellbutrin and I get put on Adderall for the ADD. That had a great effect, but I still couldn't get shit done. I still couldn't concentrate, and I would blow up at my wife or kids all the time. I would be irritated if my wife asked me what I wanted for dinner, but be super pissed off if she didn't ask me before making dinner. My son would ask if we could play video games together and I would be irritated he was standing there asking. *I'm such a bad father.*
I go to my doctor and tell her it just isn't working and I think I may need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe that person can give me some magical drug like Adderall was to fix whatever issues I have going on that keep me from focusing on and completing projects. Is it social anxiety because I don't want to get out of bed, so I call in and miss work constantly? Is it depression because I slept for over 14 hours one day? It has to be ADD that I can't complete an online tutorial, or an in person bootcamp, or go to class every day for even a single week.
I hate myself right now. Why can't I be like every other person in the world and at least hold down a job? Why do I have to call in sick constantly?
I go to a psychiatrist and today is the second meeting. Within 30 minutes I am walking out the door crying. Why? I have no fucking clue.
"You have Bipolar" she says. *But why does that make me so emotional?* I look down at this form she has to help people understand the difference between ADHD and Bipolar and why so many people are misdiagnosed.
* **Tend to break things out of anger.** Ha! yeah, I used to do that so much when I was a kid.
* **Typically react to limit setting and conflict with authority figures.** Holy shit! I used to wonder why I would get so upset at just the slightest things related to limit setting.
* **Moods change quickly.** Well, yeah. Doesn't everyone get upset when something bad happens to them? I wonder if this is why I would get so upset at my wife randomly for stupid things she does.
* **More likely compromised by motivational problems.** Yeah, I have had issues with keeping myself motivated. I seem to do really good on a subject for a few days or weeks and then it seems to just fall back to the normal bad behaviors. Is this because of this?
* **Will look for a fight and enjoy the power struggle.** [crying] Ho...lee...shit. This is me to a "T". I used to find ways to get into fights. I will start a fight just to feel the endorphins flowing through me.
"I once had a patient who told me she didn't mean to roll the car, but she was having so much fun, she didn't want to slow down." She says.
*Did she just pull a memory out of my fucking head? How the fuck is she doing this?* I said to myself as I recalled that time when I rolled an ATV off a cliff and when I rolled my car down an embankment, both times because I was going too fast.
*How did I not see this before?* Is one of the thoughts that runs through my head as I am already emotional and crying. *Maybe this is the answer to all my questions.* Is another.
I have another meeting with her next week, but I just feel like I don't want to wait that long. How can you drop a bomb like this on someone and then say "Same time next week?" ***NO!*** I have so many questions. I guess they will have to wait until next week, the knock on the door came, signaling that her next patient is here.
I don't really know what I wanted with this post. After hearing what I heard today from my doctor, I came to this sub to see if I could find some answers. Some hope, I guess. I wanted to write this post because I know I am in for a long journey and I am excited to see what I am like when the results come in. I wanted to write this to introduce myself and to see if there is any encouragement and/or recommendations to start me off for the next 7 days. | self.bipolar |
Would you recommend a depressed person to move to America? So basically my father is American and my mother is Japanese, and I was given an American nationality even though I was born and raised in Japan. Due to depression and incapability of completing basic tasks, I have thought about moving to America to my grandparent's house in the South and take a year off from school and stress from my life here in Japan. Do you recommend this? Do you think US is not a place for mental vacation? | self.depression |
I literally do not understand how to get better at drawing [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Pain and hypomania Whenever I have a hypomanic episode, for about 4 or 5 days before it starts I get aches and pains in my body. They're typically in my usual trouble spots: lower and upper back between the shoulder blades, my knee and ankle on the same leg.
These aches last about half a week or so, like I said, and I just get so uncomfortable and feel like I'm getting old. Then one day I wake up and all the pain is gone. I have energy and I feel strong. I move faster, like I'm on another level compared to other people. It's nothing I've done, I just wake up and the pain is gone. It's actually one of the ways I can tell I'm hypomanic, that sudden switch from feeling old and achy to this surge of life and indescribable energy.
Just wondering how common this was or if anyone else experiences this?
PS: yes, I am aware that I'm hypomanic right now! | self.bipolar |
Help. Suicide and self harm feel so safe. Teaching was all I ever dreamt about growing up, now I absolutely hate it. I don’t know what to do. I feel like my dreams have been shattered. I don’t know how or where to start over. Quitting life would be so safe. I haven’t been this suicidal in years. I don’t know how to move on with out self harm. I could do it in the shower before school. No body would know for days. | self.SuicideWatch |
Depression I am becoming increasingly depressed. I’m very unhappy with my work/Financial situation. I’m unhappy with my body. I’m just unhappy. I feel like someone put molasses in my brain to gunk it up and slow it down.
Besides contacting my doctor I don’t know what to do. I tend to be manic and not depressed very often. | self.bipolar |
I dream of suicide It's all I can think about at the moment. | self.depression |
Why I have to live, even though all I want is death I always felt like a failure. I was never good in school, or talking to people, or anything really. I was okay at videography and photography, but I couldn't take the risk and jump into it. I have bills to pay. I talk with a girl who wants to be friends (with benefits) but that's not enough. I want to feel love and feel like someone wants me to be here. I find myself alone drinking more than I would like to be. And overall, I just want to die. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to just sleep forever and never wake up. But I have to go on.
I have to, there are no if, and, or buts about it. I have to prove that I am not a failure. I can do something successful, even without a college degree. But saying it is a lot easier than doing it. And everyday as we Mach closer to winter and the depression gets worse, I have to go on and live. | self.SuicideWatch |
Is this a case of overthinkism? (X-post with r/therapy) [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
I don’t think I can live with myself anymore I wake up everyday and I feel like shit, I feel fat, useless, and depressed. Then I go to school for the day, and I talk to my friends and make jokes about depression almost like a weird cry for help. The only thing that’s keeping me from trying to comit suicide is one girl, that I’m pretty sure likes me, and I want to ask out. Will I ever ask her out though, of course not I’m not confident enough to, and I’m also to scared to face rejection. I go home and I take a nap and when I wake up I feel even worse because I think I’m too lazy and that’s why I’m fat and un-confident. Then I eat my feelings like that’s gonna help. I also have a pornographry addiction that I keep trying to stop, but I can’t, it’s like I’m just a passenger in my own body and I can’t take it anymore. I just want to change, but I feel like I can’t turn off this road I’m on, and I’m scared to death that I’m going to die old and lonely without any kids or a wife. So damn scared, so scared that sometimes I convince myself that suicide is the only option, because no one likes me, no one fucking cares. I feel as if I’m trapped in my own head all the time, and I have no one to talk to, and that just makes me all the more sad. I just wanna change, but I don’t think I can, and if I can I’m probably gonna find some way to end my life. I don’t know when or how, but if theirs no change in my life soon, I think I will end my life. | self.SuicideWatch |
1st valentine's alone in 12 years Tomorrow is going to be hell for me, being a prisoner in my own mind and soul is no doubt killing me slowly.
I'm so alone and miserable I now just sleep all day and when I wake up I pop another sleeping pill and just repeat it.
34F with nothing, no love, no hope, no money, I wish I could of ended it a while back, wish I would of had the courage to say enough is enough.
| self.SuicideWatch |
Message in a bottle, setting it adrift. Goddammit, I miss you. I miss you every single day. It's a palpable hurt - knowing that the person you love and were supposed to spend your life with is so close. But I can't even talk to you now. It's too shitty for both of us. And it's my fault. I'm the one who left. I couldn't handle the thought that I might not be enough for you. So I gave up. Everything I'm doing in school, my job, it was all to build this future with you. Now I'm going through the motions and trying to find some satisfaction in my daily life. But everything tastes bland. I still have to stop myself from automatically dialing your number at the end of every day. You're the only one I want to talk to. I can't listen to music because I hear your voice singing every single song.
I really hope it's better for you. I almost hope you don't see this. It would probably only make things worse. | self.offmychest |
Wondering if anyone else feels this weird sensation I’m currently coming down from a mild anxiety attack. But there’s this feeling that I get when these attacks happen. I’ll do my best to describe it.
It feels like my brain sends a flood of...emotion? Warmth? I don’t really know how to describe the actual sensation, but I feel it come from my brain, and I feel it flow into my chest, where it spreads out, then goes away. It lasts about 2-3 seconds. Right after I feel this, my heart starts racing, my breath gets short, and I start trembling. Then after about 30 seconds of that, I start to calm down. I’ll be fairly calm (as calm as you can be during an attack) for about 4 or 5 minutes, then it all starts again.
It’s almost like I can literally feel my brain dumping its imbalanced chemicals into my body.
Does anyone else feel this sensation? Is it normal? What is it? I would love to go see a doctor and ask them about this, but I do not have insurance and can not afford a doctor visit right now unfortunately. | self.Anxiety |
I've been backed into a corner, and I can't live like this anymore. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Those of you who take sertraline does it make you super tired all the time? I have been on it for a about three months or so and I feel like it makes me super tired especially during the middle of the day to wear I sometimes cant even continue my day without a nap. No matter if I take it in the morning or take in the evening this still happens. I take 150mg. Is this excessive sleepiness ever gonna go away? I feel like it helps my depression and anxiety but I just hate how tired it makes me feel. | self.depression |
i feel like i don't belong anywhere i always feel like an outsider. if i'm hanging out with a group of friends/family/etc, all i can think is "i shouldn't be here." i just feel like i'm bothering everyone with my existence. i feel like i'm an alien and i don't belong on this planet. i wish i was invisible. i don't know where to go from here | self.depression |
How do you know if your situation is "bad enough" to call a crisis line? Can I call after I'm done having a suicidal crisis? When I'm in panic mode I can't speak to anyone. I want to call my school crisis line now that I feel better but I am not actively suicidal right now. | self.SuicideWatch |
I survived cancer twice, in the process I destroyed my life and now I want to die. I managed to beat a very aggressive form of cancer...twice....after I beat it the first time I became an alcoholic and cheated on my husband. My marriage is shit. I have no one else to blame but myself and all I can think about is killing myself. I feel like its a wasted life....so many others who have died of cancer are more deserving of this life than I am. My husband says he wants to work it out but every discussion leads to him making snarky and mean comments about me cheating on him. I know we need therapy...in the mean time we are fighting like cats and dogs. Every time we have a big fight I get a little closer to getting the courage to take my life. I really don't want to be here anymore. | self.SuicideWatch |
Breathing out burning hot air? Warm body? Apart from having warm body. I also noticed that when I exhale from my mouth, my breath feels like its burning on the inside. Extremely uncomfortable. Anyone experienced this before? Even when i close my mouth and I exhale normally, i can feel the heat trapped. | self.Anxiety |
A rant, read or not to read but I need to say it The other day me and my friend were driving home from school. On the way we were talking about The Suicide Forest because of a song that mentioned it, he then began to that people who commit suicide are "idiots". Now myself I have been diagnosed with depression since grade 8 (i am now 20) and have many many episodes of suicidal thoughts and plans. My initial reaction to what he said was that of my body going numb and over whelming feeling of how could my friend say this too me and how could somebody be so insensitive the millons of people who are overburdened with depression and suicide. To continue I must add that this friend of mine does not know much about my past as we are newer friends around 2 years we have been friends, so he does not know about my depression and my suicidal thoughts and what I went through growing up (all he sees is a well off family and nothing else). He then when into saying that depression is fake and that people just need to get over things and move on. That is when I snapped and told him my entire story about how I have been depressed for so long and that I have suicidal thoughts, and that I have also lost a close friend to suicide. The thing that angered me the most about this all is that he did not say sorry once even after saying that my close friend had killed himself, this to this moment makes me mad. That is all for the rant, just had to share this. Thank you to those who read it. | self.depression |
Has anyone tried the app Joyable? Has anyone had experience with the app Joyable? I have GAD and don’t think I can afford a therapist at the moment. Joyable is $99 a month and seems intriguing. | self.Anxiety |
I’m looking for writings by doctors that talk about patients being able to snap out of their anxiety disorder when they feel like they have to [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Really struggling with my kids and life. I don’t even know where to begin. This will probably be long, as I’m just getting what I’m feeling OUT. I feel mostly hopeless every single day. I feel like I don’t really care about anything, and I am so wishy washy when I need to have an opinion about anything. I feel just lazy, like why clean the house when it’ll just be dirty tomorrow? Why get the kids out to the park when it’s cold and all they’re gonna do is complain while getting ready and then I have to try and follow my 16 month old around while also trying to give my 4 year old attention. I don’t feel like I know which way I want to parent so I’m constantly giving my kids mixed signals - calm gentle voices when they do something wrong wth a big explanation, or time outs, punishment, and yelling? I recently made some discoveries about how I was raised and realized I had been seeing my mom through rose colored glasses for my entire life, so now I’m kind of panicked because I don’t want to raise mine the way I was raised, but I also don’t know how to do it any differently. I thrive from a schedule but creating and following a schedule seems so mundane and pointless when we’re all gonna die anyway. Eating healthy? One day I Feel motivated enough to serve lots of veggies and get rid of the sugar but then my kids will start throwing a fit and I throw my hands up and give them cookies. I just feel so lost and like I don’t have a direction in life. And I feel like even if I DID have a direction, why the fuck does it matter? We’re gonna die. So why not just do whatever the hell we want until it happens? I know how impractical, selfish, and wrong that is, but at the same time I can’t shake the feeling of WHO CARES? I just don’t know what to do or think or feel. | self.depression |
For fuck sake what do I do my life is everywhere I come from school where I'm bullied by this group of people where the leader is my old best friend
I'm come home.My mum is crying.I haven't told her about school and I thought today was the day.
Her dad is sick and there is no one to help him.
I can't vent to her about my problems.
I'm going to be home alone with my okay sister and strict af brother.
Neither know what medicine and food I need like my mum and dad does (they are both going to my grandad to keep him safe)
So many fucking things happening in my life.
I'm suicidal and literally cry myself to sleep.
I try to escape reality by playing games on my PS4 and stress eating.
I get shouted at for being on my PS4 a lot.
Fuck my life what's the point | self.SuicideWatch |
How do you live on with nothing in your life going right? I remember a time I used to be happy, but that is a distant memory now.I used to be good at studies , at least I thought I was. I graduated near the top of my class in tenth grade and again in the top 5 % in high school.Then I joined the best engineering college in the country. Suddenly I wasn't one of the smartest in the class anymore.Problems that others seem to breeze through wouldn't make any sense to me. Then it happened, I failed my first exam then a few the next semester.While all this was happening, I started playing League of Legends. Before I knew it I was addicted.It's been 2 years since then.I'm on the verge of dropping out of college.If I don't retake and pass the 10 subjects I failed this year they'll kick me out for good.Meanwhile I've been on medication for anxiety and tic disorder for 3 years today.I don't have any friends let alone a girlfriend. My only friends are those who I play video games online with. I quit playing league of legends for 4 months but reinstalled it few weeks ago and can't seem to quit it again,this time for good.My dad is sick and my family expects me to graduate and get a job. I feel like I have nothing left to contribute to society. I used to have dreams.I dreamed of becoming a scientist but college has really made me realize I'm nowhere smart to become one.Nowadays I don't even want to go to class anymore, I just lie in bed all day watching reruns of the office.I just wish things were different. | self.offmychest |
being nervous about being nervous is ruining my life I'm so nervous about being nervous all the time. I don't know what to do. I'm always so scared of appearing nervous in front of others. I always pysch myself out. I had to take MDMA just to go to a job interview for an 11/hr job. I'm a mess and don't even know how to fix myself. I'm a 24 year old man child with no friends who's never had a gf. My social anxiety is unmatched. | self.Anxiety |
my life is a disaster and i don’t want to deal with it **warning this is probably gonna be a long post**
**My mother’s message:**
“I am done helping you.
You can register for classes.
You can send your SAT score, I'll send you the login and pw on monday.
You can fill out your other applications.
Keep a time sheet for your hours this week.
Find a job.
You can keep your room messy and full of garbage.
You can redesign your room, call and set up the people who will remove your furniture, and then you can go to Ikea and buy yourself whatever.
You can do your laundry.
You can go anywhere and get an oil change and fill up your tires.
I will send in the tuition dispute on monday without Roseanne's letter and hope for the best, because you don't care if I'm losing money, as long as you don't have to do anything that makes yourself uncomfortable, like making a second phone call on friday and seeing if she was able to get you a secure email with a copy of the letter. Nope...my mom can lose money, I'm not pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
I'm done helping THE most ungrateful child I have ever known. Mommom and Poppy agree with me. We honestly don't know why you have become a spitful, dirogitory, ornery, vindictive man. I don't know what I did wrong and how you turned out this way. You have no loyalty to the family that has raised you. I can't tell you how many examples you have shown where you would rather tell your family eff-you, than to be faithful to the family that loves you unconditionally. Like mommom saying, "If you love me, I am asking you to not wear that communist shirt to dinner." Nope, EFF-you mommom, I'm wearing it. My beliefs are more important than you always having my back, with the added bonus of endless money. Even though you're not asking me to never wear it, just don't wear it to this dinner, EFF-YOU, stupid old woman.
EFF-you entire family, you're all wrong in every single belief you have ever tried to "shove down my throat".
A simple just telling me "did the guy die?" Nope, mom, eff-you, I'm annoyed at your actions and no matter how much you beg me to tell you, I'm standing my ground on my anger. My principles and rebelling are more important in every way, shape, and form. What? You believe I need to stay close to home and not go far away for college? Eff-you mom. You literally know nothing and I know best.
You know where your rebellion comes from? Not me. You know who? The rebellious man who was selfish enough to leave a woman despite she was pregnant with a child. Not his parents, or brother, have ever reached out. The most selfish self serving group of people. And sadly, even though you've never met them, you're ending up just like them. You can do and say anything to your mom and the family, because when you say "sorry", it makes everything better. And that's what THEY believe. And its wrong and hurtful. And not how this family, whom would move mountains to help you, works. Maybe you should go meet them. You'd get along better with them than you do the family that have raised you. We're all a bunch of God fearing, country loving, bible thumping idiots anyway.
I love you and wish you blessings. It's not easy the road you have ahead of you. But I'm tired of helping a child that has no loyalty, no allegiance, is thankless, and unappreciative. You make helping you white knuckling. And I don't want to do it anymore. Because as I write this, I can guarantee you believe you haven't done anything wrong in the way you have treated me, tonight or any other time, and that is sad.
Better get on your knees and ask the Lord to help you change the angry, anxious, arrogant person you've become. Because I will tell you now, that is of the Devil, and he has a mighty hold on you. It's all lies, all the time, he's telling you. Your only hope against it is Jesus.”
**explanation of some recent events**
i withdrew from college about two weeks ago. i went to a school across the country because i wanted to get away from my family. i have not gotten along with them since high school started. my stepfather has been abusive in the past. and my mother seems to have anger issues.
i’ve been depressed since sophomore year of high school. it got better when i started dating the love of my life at the end of that year. she helped me in so many ways and we dated for three years. making promises to get married.
college started and i was still fully committed to her and we talked about getting married every week.
i tried to kill myself because i couldn’t make friends in college and was really struggling to enjoy anything in life. and this would land me in a mental hospital for about 3 days. after i was released i made the decision to stay in school and try to catch up and push through everything. i had a renewed lease on life and felt very positive.
then without warning one day my girlfriend of three years ended our relationship without explanation, about a week after my suicide attempt. devastated i almost killed myself again. again by hanging.
i called my mother and told her i needed to come home because i couldn’t continue to do this and stay alive.
since i’ve been home it’s been nothing but more shit. my mother had been angry at me for most of the time i’ve been home. my only real support are my only two friends in the world. and one of them is 6 hours away from me.
**a few comments i wanna make about her message**
* i actually did already clean my room before she even sent this. i told her it would be cleaned before sunday on wednesday. and i followed through on that.
* if my grandmothers love was unconditional wouldn’t she respect my political beliefs even though they were different than her own? i also never called her stupid and ended up wearing a hoodie over it to dinner. i also apologised to her afterward. also this was 6 months ago.
* um yes my family did shove their beliefs down my throat. they sent me to a private christian school, with an attendance of 100 students, all the way until high school. my entire grade consisted of 10 people. i’m still convinced this is why i’m so socially incapable.
* the thing about “did the guy die” is referring to an event that took place tonight. my mother walked into my room while i was watch breaking bad and started asking “who’s that?” “what’s in the trunk” “is that guy gonna die” “what are they doing” and instead of explaining the plot of a show she’s never seen i urged her to watch the show herself. but she insisted on repeating to ask “does that guy die?” referring to Mike. again i urged her to watch the show. to which she responded “i’m your mother. i am asking you to tell me if that guy dies in this show.” i responded “and i am telling you that if it’s that important to you to watch the show and find out for yourself.” and she said “wow. i’ll remember this. that you’re so stubborn that you’ll die on every single hill even if it’s stupid shit like this!” and she slammed my door to my room as hard as she could. this is verbatim what occurred tonight. i shit you not.
* my biological father left us before i was born because he didn’t want to be a father. my mom is saying that i’m exactly as selfish as he is despite never meeting them. so somehow it’s my fault that i have similar traits to someone i’m genetically related to. obviously i’m not imitating him, because i don’t know him. so the characteristics i’m displaying are simply because of genetics beyond my control.
* finally she tells me to ask god to help me change my angry, arrogant, and anxious ways. because obviously i enjoy having anxiety. this is something i chose to have. i really love having crippling anxiety and fear every social interaction i make.
* i am an atheist. i haven’t told my mother this but she has kind of inferred it. i also am a communist which i know many disagree with but that’s not the point. it’s the fact that in the same message she’s criticising me both for being way too independent from my family and for not being independent enough. it seems she really cherry picks her thoughts to make it convenient for her.
* i told my grandfather two days ago that next fall i want to go to school with my friend who lives six hours away. he started yelling at me because “friendships aren’t as important as family. you need to be closer to us. because friends will turn their backs on you but family is forever.” my mom was in the room when this happened and said nothing so i’m inclined to believe she agrees with him. but now my mother has turned her back on me and all i’m left to do is turn to my only two friends i have on this planet.
i hate everything that’s happened in my life the last three months. i wish the first suicide attempt had worked and i wasn’t here. now that my family knows i’m suicidal they think i’m a selfish, godless idiot. i care only about myself to them.
i’m really just done. almost everyone that cared about me has turned their backs on me except two people. and i just don’t care anymore.
tl;dr: i’m depressed and extremely suicidal. my girlfriend left me because of it. then i dropped out of college based on my families advice so i could “reevaluate”. then my mother turned her backs on me because i’m selfish. two people care about me anymore. and i just want to die again. | self.depression |
Please help me, I'm in trouble and I don't know what to do **TRIGGER WARNING: BE ADVISED THERE IS SOME DISTURBING MATERIAL IN THIS POST INVOLVING SELF-HARM, SUICIDAL SUBJECT MATTER, AND BULIMIA.**
---------------
Hello guys... I'm dealing with some stuff, any advice is greatly appreciated.
I just completed 4 weeks of training for a new job. Basically it's answering phones for the govt and dealing with people's healthcare. Easy, right? Well it has been the *worst* experience of my life. It's horrible. I wish I could go on a tirade about it, because it really is that bad, but suffice it to say, the job is very hard on me. I didn't realize it would be - otherwise I would've never taken it.
I have BP1 with mixed episodes. I'm also bulimic. I took this job because I recently quit my previous long-term job and I need a replacement to help me keep stable. Unemployment is not good for me, I need a schedule and I need a purpose.
Here's the problem. I know patterns in myself, I've been dealing with BP for almost a decade, I *know* that if I start binging and purging multiple times a day, and launching into uncontrollable rages over nothing, a serious episode is coming on. More frequently now, I've begun to alternate between the hysterics I associate with mania and intense depression, with moments of normalcy in-between.
Things have gotten very serious… a few days ago my husband had to barricade himself in our room because I was trying to reach the gun he had under the bed. He called the police but I ran away and hid in an alley for 3 hours like a fugitive. This week, I smashed a mirror on myself and cut myself with the glass. My husband now leaves the building immediately if I so much as sneeze too loudly. I hate myself for what I do to him, I tell myself every time I will *never* let my moods get the best of me, that I *will* control them, but they’re only getting worse.
I cope using bulimia. As my mood gets worse, so do my eating habits. Yesterday I vomited some blood, it wasn't a lot, but I began to have pretty intense pains in my upper-right abdomen, almost as if I pulled a muscle. My husband told me to go to the doctor but I've been there enough to know they won't help. Today, during another purge, I upchucked (to my great surprise) the lunch I'd eaten 7 hours beforehand, it hadn't left my stomach at all or gone through digestion, there wasn't any acid or bile. And that's *very* strange to me, in all my years of eating things and puking them back up, that's never happened. I think my bulimia has started to catch up with me, I feel like my body is giving up...
There is a point to this, btw!
I know this new job is exacerbating my mood issues, but I need it. My coworkers and supervisors keep telling us that after the first couple of months, it's easy, and a very good job. My husband says I should stick with it, persevere through the struggle and all that. And I know for a fact that I WILL be terminated if I try to take any kind of leave.
But... I really don't see how I can soldier through this much longer. Things are pretty bad. And I'm doing most of what I'm supposed to – what little I can do: I take my meds religiously. I exercise. I try my damnest to recognize when I’m not thinking clearly.
I just need some advice... I'm really struggling right now. | self.bipolar |
Don't get too disheartened about negative experiences online. So what I had to realise when finding communities like this online is that it's mostly going to be negative experiences with progress and treatment. People who have fully overcome their difficulties probably don't want to be frequenting these types of boards often. Not true for everyone, people like me who want to help others in the same boat will stick around even after they have made substantial progress, but at the end of the day a lot of people will come here to vent and to rant and that's perfectly fine. This is what these types of subreddits are for, a place for people to get it out of their system. This can be daunting for people hoping to make their own progress, seeing others struggle and say that treatment doesn't help, but it's expected. Don't worry too much, keep making steps towards your own progress and always lend a helping hand to others who just want to get out their frustration. | self.depression |
Seeing a psychiatrist I have a one time psychiatrist visit this Tuesday. I have never been to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed by a psychologist. Things have gotten really bad for me lately so I contacted Canadian mental health assiation. I'm very nervous, I don't see how someone can properly diagnose and proscribe accordingly in just one visit. I am still on another wait list to see someone more long term. Has anyone else done a one time visit? | self.bipolar |
Hey, I’m a student at university and I think I’m going have depression. I cry all the time for no reason, I feel like my life has no purpose. I have severe self esteem issues and I’m really unmotivated with life. Sometimes I think it’ll just be better to just kill my self, I hate feeling like this:( | self.depression |
Does life actually ever get better other than worse? I feel like this can't last forever........right? | self.depression |
How to find meaning? I know it's late and not many people are on at this time of day, but what is the meaning of it all? I don't know what to do anymore and I feel lonely and depressed sometimes. I'm about to graduate high school and I feel like I didn't really have fun. I know what I'm doing afterwards for college, but I feel like I won't have any friends. Do people typically make new friends in college? I feel like I wasted a lot of opportunities due to me being socially inept and fearful of it. I feel like I will end up alone after this school year with no one. If I fail in college I feel like my life is completely over. I'm not feeling too bad today, but I want to hear some input from people here. I don't want to take resources away from people who are in urgent need right now. Do you have a reason for living? | self.SuicideWatch |
Don't want to continue. Why should I continue... if there is nothing but pain and tragedy ahead? I've paid all of my dues, since I have hit rock bottom yet again, and I no longer want to be here, but it is only out of some morbid, distant, very vague sense of duty that I'm still around.
To be honest, I always feel and felt forced into getting into situations, or even hooking up with certain women, that I never loved, and am always forced into things though I am completely against them. I can never be with who I want to, and then another side of my comes out and says you don't need anyone. I am constantly swapping between personas throughout each day, probably out of split personality disorder.
I'm tired of being told what to do. How would you like it? Yet... you do it to me, and I'd rather be fucking dead, not having to play this game any more. I want to quit the game, and I utterly don't give a fuck. It's hard to continue, when you can never have the questions answered that you want answered, and also when you can never even begin to have faith that the person you dream of being with is actually even possible, and it isn't. It's just another deception, like all of the deceptions my entire life has been. This life is literally about reproducing and experiencing the world. That's literally it, there's nothing more to life than that, and I just can't compete in the game. Too much harm has been inflicted on me, and I simply can't handle any more. I can't handle anything more, and all I ask is nothing, because there's nothing to ask for, nothing to gain, and nothing for me to lose.
I've had enough.
You know how people say, "Do what you love and you'll be successful?"
My honest response to that, is that I love to do nothing but sleep and disassociate from the world. I don't actually enjoy doing anything, and thus I cannot do what I love. I love nothing about this world, and it's hard to be motivated to even do things if you just don't care. | self.SuicideWatch |
I didn’t know it could turn out like this [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Creepy guy got fired. I worry he might be dangerous. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
hypnosis helped me manage my anxiety I've tried everything (medications/therapy/etc) but my most successful technique was always meditation using the Headspace app (Highly recommend it). I've actually stumbled onto a different app when I was trying to find a way to be more productive, claiming to use hypnosis to help change behaviours such as procrastination or anxiety. I've done two sessions of "Social Anxiety" and am seeing results, even if it might all be placebo. So I recommend either giving Headspace (for meditation) or BetterMind (for hypnosis) to help manage/minimize anxiety. Let me know if it works or doesn't work with you! | self.Anxiety |
frustrating family + mental illness + queerness = hoo boy gotta love it when your parents don't understand the concept of depression, right? when they take your lack of energy and motivation for housework, school, social interaction, etc as a personal insult? approach the topic of suicide on their own and then tell you you're the one "beating them over the head with threats of suicide"? make you afraid to be honest about how you really feel & think at the risk of having to endure a 5+ hour session of insults and delusional ideas about your personality? man that just makes me wanna spring out of bed and transform into a functional member of society right here and now!
sarcasm aside, i'm so tired. i thought i was free to remove my mask when i came home and allow my real feelings to show, but apparently i was mistaken. it just feels so fucking degrading to be told i'm faking "victimhood" for attention when i can't just turn this shit off at will. i wish they knew how many crimes i would willingly commit if it meant having the ability to just flip a switch and be happy again. god help me if they ever find out i relapsed back into self harm.
and of course, i hang out with exactly one transgender person in high school and suddenly my gender identity is just me "trying to fit in" and it isn't real. to my parents, my exploration of my gender is some alternate personality that they don't agree with, which is the farthest from the truth they could possibly get. i never realized that a fucking name and set of pronouns could get them so offended. every time i think about how my mom pretended to be supportive of me for nearly a year, even got me some of the clothes i wanted last christmas and told me she would try her hardest to understand me, only to turn around this summer and say "by the way, i don't buy this transgender bullshit" right to my face, i just want to cry. i wish she had just told me she thought it was bullshit from the very beginning, it would have stung a lot less. | self.offmychest |
Can’t find any meds so I think I’ll wait for everyone to go to sleep and sneak out with my crossbow so I won’t leave a huge mess in the house. I’ve thought about killing myself for 17 years now at least 2 to 3 times a day. The sad part is I don’t want to hurt anyone by doing it but I’m constantly depressed and tired, so tired. Even while while happy it doesn’t last long, I turned to drugs as a teenager and alcohol. I’ve been fighting to try and stay sober for over 2 years. Alcohol isn’t a problem. But I keep slipping up and using Meth, I’m not strung out and have bouts of sobriety by then I’ll have a binge. I’m tired of it. I truly believe I’m saved by Jesus but I just can’t seem to give my addiction over to him. I know I need mental help but I won’t tell anyone how I feel. I believe that if I’m not either committed somewhere by the end of this week. My brothers go to their Moms this weekend. So I’ll wait until this weekend so they won’t have to see it. If my Mum or Pops see this, I’m sorry but I literally can’t stand being on this planet anymore. My time with y’all were the best I’ve ever had and I love y’all. If anyone reading this it’s the only cry for help I’ll give. My name is Otis Gibson and I live on 380 Horseshoe Lake Road in Columbia Louisiana 71418 and by 1 am Saturday if God of someone doesn’t intervene I’ll finally be free. | self.SuicideWatch |
It's final. I am doing it after NYE I'd do it sooner but I have to dogsit till the 5th and it would be unfair to just bail. But I can't live with the embaressment of being hurt again. If you look at my post history you can tell what happened. I am too embaressed with how I acted with him and him going on with his life, meeting someone else one day and talking about this insane woman he dated for a while and how glad he is its over.
There are too many memories of our dates here and of other men who just hurt me. I will take as many sleeping tablets as possible and drink a bottle of vodka. The world is better without me in it. Less drama. Less pain. I am too fucked up to be a good girlfriend or for someone to love me. 33 years of men not wanting me is proof | self.SuicideWatch |
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