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Do you ever imagine a world where you never existed? [deleted] | self.depression |
I am madly in love It's almost our 2 year anniversary. We don't see each other a lot, first time I met you in person was last month during the holidays. It was an amazing week, even though we didn't do anything sexual, I couldn't be happier.
The fact that I finally got to hold you, how I could hear you laugh in person and see your smile. It was the best week I've experienced in recent memory. And I love you even more after. It was hell having to go back, and the fact that I won't be able to visit you until next year due to my exams.
But I still write you every day, I still love you very very much, and no matter how many times I tell you, I want to say it still, because it is the truth from the bottom of my heart. I love my girlfriend, I really really do, and I can't wait until I can see you again. | self.offmychest |
I don’t think I’ll ever get better I’ve been mentally ill since high school (depression/anxiety) and it’s ruined my life. I got into a decent college where I had some friends from high school, but my depression got worse and worse until I stopped going to class and had to drop out. I’m working a shitty customer service job (I start work at 6 AM most days). I haven’t made new friends since high school. I’ve lost touch with most of my old friends and the few I keep in contact with don’t know I dropped out. I live at home with my parents who, despite what they tell me, definitely think of me as a disappointment and a burden. I’ve had several suicide attempts and ended up in the psych ward, and quite frankly I’d rather die than go there again. Everyone tells me that I’m young and I have so much time to fix my mistakes, but I know deep down I’m just fundamentally flawed. I will never get better, no matter how hard I try or how much support I get. The only way my life will end is in misery and pain. Either I live to be a middle-aged loser and die from being overweight or I kill myself now, and I’d prefer not to suffer more than I have to. It might hurt the people around me if I die, but it can’t possibly hurt more than if I live and continue to leech happiness from everyone I interact with. I have a plan to kill myself and all that’s left to do is find a time when my absence won’t affect my coworkers too much, which will probably be sometime next week. | self.offmychest |
I have a life insurance policy and my spouse is entitled to military survivor benefits. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I got out of bed within 30 minutes of waking up today... [removed] | self.depression |
Dreams make me feel weird Have you ever had a dream that made you feel weird and uncomfortable whenever you thought about it afterwards?
It happens to me from time to time. I have really vivid dreams, the most recent ones being about some kind of big family gathering at the countryside (which is uncommon for my family since right one there are only 7 of us and we kinda lost contact with other relatives). After waking up, whenever I think about those dreams I feel sick, anxious, like I'm in danger. It got to the point that going to bed in the evening has become a source of anxiety rather than relaxation.
I guess I feel weird after leaving my family home. Right know I'm renting an appartment with my boyfriend. I still cannot comprehend that this is my "home" right now, I still use my parent's address in resumes, correspondence, etc... It feels like college when I'm waiting for the finals to end to come back home for the summer.
This 'leaving the nest' feeling has triggerred my dreams. I did some research and found out people with anxiety tend to have feelings like this (the dream part, I mean). I was diagnosed with anxiety and will probably talk with my doctor about it. But right now I just wanted to talk about this unsettling feeling. After that I'll probably talk to my boyfriend and maybe watch something funny to feel better. | self.Anxiety |
When can I Give Up? I'm in my early 30s, I'm a college graduate and had a decent career going into government/ politics. I was on track to have a lot of opportunities and on the path to a nice job making good money in an amazing city and state until two years when I let my head get the best of me and I wouldn't leave my room work weeks at a time and spot going to work until I was fired in March of 2016. I lost all of my professional networks. People I can ask for recommendations, my reputation is irreparable. I lost a huge part of my identity. I had a prestigious position. Especially for someone from out of state with zero family or university connections. Even my parents were surprised I earned the position I had.
I hospitalized involuntarily.
I slugged along not working for a year. I took a class at a community college in a trade but dropped it because I was really shitty at the work I lacked natural talent in the field and was too embarrassed to ask for extra help and unmotivated to put in the effort.
Then last fall I decided to pick myself up I started to eat healthier and exercise. I lost 25+ lbs that I had gained in the last few years. I went to therapy and was on medication. I started to reach out to friends I had cut myself off from. I took a job washing dishes for a 2 months period after Christmas and worked for my hands off. Literally, they were wrecked. I was an awesome employee. I won an award for being such a good employee.
I was in talks with someone to run a new non-profit. I had a way to hopefully repair my working reputation. I was excited about the work. I had a sense of purpose. I was rebuilding a part of my identity I had lost. But the job did not work out.
After that job didn’t work out I started to spiral downward. Gained back all the weight I lost. I started isolating myself again.
I have had 2 interviews for 2 jobs I was qualified for but failed to get one that was entry level. I prepped for the interviews. Asked people who previously worked at the company for advice. Prepped questions I thought they would ask and composed responses. I prepared questions to ask. I created a 4-page document to help me prepare for the interview. But failed.
I have applied for 6 jobs in the last two months that I am qualified for and heard nothing. People are looking over my resume before I send it in and say it looks good.
I have 6 years of experience in public policy/ government but it is very specific to the state I live in now. A lot of non-profit openings are for development which I have minimal experience and would only be qualified for such a position after unpaid or low paid internships. I did an internship to get my foot in the door initially. I worked 2 jobs 60+ hours a week. I don’t think I have the motivation to do that again just to get my foot in the door.
Unemployment in the low 4% in my state and I can't get hired as a barista. I have applied to 3 coffee shops. Got one interview but zero job offers.
I'm broke. I need to file for bankruptcy because I am $40,000 in debt. My bank account is negative. I am selling my car to pay rent. Without a car, my job search is limited to a smaller area that is accessible via my bike, walking, or public transportation.
All my options going forward are bleak. I will never be able to have the life I want. The chances of getting back into my career are slim. My future earning potential is low. I have no retirement savings, I’m getting priced out of my neighbor by rising rent. The hobbies I had are too expensive for me to participate in now.
There is nothing that gives me purpose, or happiness or even contentment. My question is why is now not the appropriate time to give up? I’ve tried and I failed. I have lost a major part of my identity. I have no one that depends on me financially. I’m ready to quit. | self.SuicideWatch |
Can’t even justify why to live Last year in April I attempted suicide and was hospitalized for it. It was after years of fighting it off due to epilepsy medicine. Last year in august my mom died, i tried to save her but failed. Emotionally it had traumatized me as she was one of the very few people close to me For a long time This april my relationship with my fiancee came to an end after 2 years. May i lost my job and got a new one injuly. My ex fiancee has begun to see another guy and the thought of another guy touching her rips me up inside. She was the girl i wanted to marry and have kids with.
My dad and brother are super close, i feel like an outsider with them. My job i feel like an outsider there also.
I don’t have any friends so i don’t have anyone i can talk to. During my mom’s funeral i did not have anyone there for me.
In may, one month after me and my fiancee broke up, i lost my job. July i found a new contract one. But because I’m a “contractor” I’m not treated like everyone else on the team. I feel like an outsider.
At first, I felt angry over my mom and how my fiancee had treated me. After my fiancee broke up with me, I now feel empty.
I genuinely cannot find any reason to even wake up in the morning but unfortunately i don’t have a choice because my new seizure medicine has made it so I get one hour of sleep at most.
I can’t find any reason at all to even keep going on living. I have a week off of work next week and will likely end it that week. | self.SuicideWatch |
food supplements & vitamins that help the body restore the affects of stress on the body? I am experimenting on food supplements at the moment to see if they help my body restore from anxiety episodes. Does anyone recommend anything? At the moment I'm looking at stuff that helps the adrenal system restore. Liquorice is a good one and of course magnesium for the nervous system.
Are there any others you'd recommend? | self.Anxiety |
I let the girl who wrong me play me over and over again, even during the time I cut her off I met this girl who was my friend's sister online. We used to speak every day, until one day she stopped contacting me. I assumed she was busy and would text me back, but she ghosted me for 6 months, and I found out during that time she was chatting up my best friend. She messaged me suddenly after that, and pretended nothing was wrong. A couple months later, she began telling she had fallen in love (yeah, she has such a childish mentality) with my best friend, and spent 2 months trying to get advice on what to do. But for some reason, she began to fabricate stories about him to me, trying to paint him as a womanizer, but at that point, I knew she was lying. I even caught her in another lying, and we slowly distanced each other.
Fast word a month, I confronted this girl with my friend, and we cut ties. However, the only problem was her attitude was she cut ME off, not the other way around. Also, she wasn't the least bit regretful on what she did, and quickly blocked me on all social media. To make matters worse, she apologized to my best friend for lying about him, and begged him for a second chance, but she never even apologized to me for all the deceiving she pulled on me.
I think you all can agree that this girl successfully played me to the very end. Even after I exposed her as a liar, she turned the tables to make it look like she walked away from me, like I was the idiot in this scenario. She blocked me everywhere on social media before I could, probably to tell her friends in the future that she chose to block me for some dumb nonsense.
My friend told me to ignore her if she ever apologizes to me (doubt she will, but you never know) because he knows that I'll just allow her back in my life again if I start talking to her. We actually devised a plan to expose her, but my reluctance to act like a douchebag toward her kept delaying it, and it's why she even manage to fool me yet again.
Still thinking about that day gets me so angry. Angry at myself because I cared for a girl that saw me as a plaything. I allowed her to believe that she could get away with anything she tried on me; now I'm paying the price of regret and humiliation. I kept myself from doing anything that hurt her feelings only for her to come out as the cunning player. Every time I let her back in my life, I gave her permission to crap on me. My friend even has to speak on my behalf to her, because he knows how softie I am with her, and I feel he's right.
For a full year I let her treat me however she pleased without minding, because I thought she could leave my life and I wouldn't chase after her. I told myself I wouldn't care anymore if she spoked to me or not anymore, but this was just me letting her treat me however she wanted.
Most of you will tell me to move on and learn from this, but literally just hearing her name reminds me how foolish and naiive I was to even let a girl do that to me. It also sends me into a wave of embarrassment and humiliation, that I was so soft that I couldn't put my foot down and cut this manipulative chick out of my life sooner. What's worse is that my friend cut her out successfully, and got a much better outcome than me. The fact that she even asked forgiveness from him and not me says alot about how well he handled this situation, even though I was also wronged as well.
TL; DR: I let this girl pull one over me even so many times. Under an apathetic guise, I never bothered to cut her off, saying she could do it herself and I wouldn't care. Now I do care, because she managed to pull one over me for the last time.
| self.offmychest |
I fucked my sister and her boyfriend I had sex with my sister and her boyfriend. | self.offmychest |
What kind of music helps you through you depressive episodes? [removed] | self.depression |
Unhappy Hey reddit how are yall today? I have been debating alot on wether i should write here or not, but i decided that it might help me feel a little bit better. I dont know whether or not i suffer from depression but i know ive been unhappy for as long as i can remember. i cant remember what being happy feels like and it makes me feel even more in a slump. im in the military and i got sent home for the holidays, only to come home to nothing. i hate training and it feels like an eternity until it will "get better" as my recruiter says.
I do things that used to make me happy but i just dont feel anymore. i feel numb. i want to lock myself up and be alone. hell as im writing this i feel like tearing up. i dont tell anyone because i feel like theyll just tell me to suck it up, or stop being a bitch. I want to tell my mom, who suffers depression and i feel like she'll relate, but i feel if i tell her anything she'll feel even worse because of how i feel. I try to go out and party with friends and get girls and get drunk but i just feel so empty and numb. im sorry for goin on a rant i just needed to get this off my chest. i dont know why im posting this and i dont know what to expect but thank you to anyone that took their time to read this. | self.depression |
I’m fucked. That’s it. I’m fucked. I know this may sound dramatic, but it is a real problem, and means a lot to me. I think I may fail on almost every subject in university this semester. Because of poor attendance. I’m thinking about talking to my teachers about what is happening with my health/life, but I don’t feel courageous enough to do it. I’m fucked. Everything is falling apart, and I’m ruining my life. Part of the problem is my anxiety and bad health, half of the problem is my personality. Fuck, I just wish I had one more chance. Fuck. Fuck.
Why can’t I be fucking normal, and courageous? I am letting everyone down. I can’t keep going on like this. But I always say this and never change. | self.Anxiety |
How hereditary do you think your disorder is? Who'd you get it from? Mental illness in general is pretty prevalent in my family. But stories my father has told me about what it was like to live with his mother growing up makes me think she was probably bipolar, though she never got diagnosed. Stress probably contributed to mine too, though. Growing up with my mother wasn't easy either lol. | self.bipolar |
Shaking the down phase How do you guys cope with “down”phases? I honestly would do anything for a mixed episode right now or a hypomanic one. I told myself I’d clean and do laundry and catch up on my reading but instead I took at 8 hour depression nap. | self.bipolar |
I keep thinking about suicide. Not considering it. Thinking about it. I've had kind of a weird year.
My and my fiance broke up about a year ago. I was definitely the initiator and it was something I had been thinking about for over a year. I love him and we're still pretty actively involved in one another's lives, but I see him and I see that he's still processing things and I feel super responsible for his unhappiness.
A few months later, I started dating again. Met some duds, but then I met a really nice guy. Then I met another really nice guy. I can't date both, so I picked the one who I thought would make me happier and I'm certain that I made the right choice there because my current boyfriend is truly the kindest man I've ever met and he makes me the happiest I ever remember being. But (again) I stayed friends with the other guy because he was really nice and we had a lot in common. But now I also see his disappointment that things didn't work out the way that he wanted to.
Recently, I got offered a new job out of the blue and in a lot of ways it seemed like a really great opportunity in terms of putting a lot of tasks on my plate that I wanted for myself in building a career. Ultimately, my current workplace gave me the hard sell, is in the process of completely retooling my job, and I ended up staying. But I had already accepted this other position (partly because it was kind of an "exploding offer" situation, which I now understand isn't my problem, and partly because I knew that it was going to be a hard decision and thought that maybe hard committing to one would make it easier to commit [I guess?]), so I had to back out and I had already had this super long conversation with the prospective boss about how hard this position is to fill and how glad she was to have it handled.
And like...part of this sounds really self-centered I'm sure, because all of these people have other great things in their lives and certainly don't spend all of their night staying up thinking about me.
But as time goes by, I just feel super aware of the fact that this isn't necessarily going to change. Life is messy and we go through life making these tiny impacts on all of the people around us, but where some people can suit up and let these things slip off of them, I really can't. I'm constantly bogged down by how I disappointed people or how I made their lives worse or how I could be making their lives better and am not.
Which is where we get to the title, I guess. I'm not considering suicide at all, because I totally understand that it would be the one thing to utterly devastate so many of the people around me. Like, if I'm afraid of disappointing or hurting people, that would absolutely not be the right thing to do and I get that.
But I spend so many nights afraid of living out the rest of my life because I know that each day is just inviting the opportunity for me to hurt or disappoint people again and so often the only real option for me seems like non-existence.
So there it is. I'm not considering suicide, but I'm thinking about it a lot. Which frightens me a bit, because I don't know if this is normally how suicide attempts start or if that's just the next natural step in this progression or what.
(Also as a disclaimer because I'm obviously concerned about how other people feel about me: I might post an approximation of this in a few places from this account. I swear that I'm not looking for attention for attention's sake. Moreso, I would just like to hear someone say the right thing that snaps my head into the right place or recommend the right book or movie or metaphor or whatever. So there.) | self.offmychest |
an expiration date got a tatt tonight. its a bar code with a best before under, then a date. its a bit far off but its the date of very last day im willing to "live".
its a bit comforting, especially since its permanent. | self.SuicideWatch |
best friend committed suicide a few days ago, I don't know how I feel about it [deleted] | self.depression |
Some last songs to enjoy Just took a few Benzos (not much like 4.5mg) about 200mg of Paxil and a bit of Tylenol and melatonin. I’m drinking some vodka now and I’m already feeling relaxed.
Idk if this will work but some nice music to go out would help. I finally feel close to peace guys....
Thanks :) | self.SuicideWatch |
I really hope it's not "Just a phase" Mentally, I'm struggling. I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. To go through every single day without any aspirations, hope, or belief that things will get better, is strenuous.
That was until I found motorcycles. I've become infatuated, from the gear, to the bikes, to the costs of owning one. For me, motorcycles are freedom. And the dream of owning one in half a year is the only thing that gets me out of bed.
Until I told my cousin today, to which he replied: "It's just a phase". True, my brother went through it, but he just owned a tiny 50cc scooter? Surely I'm more serious about it? He didn't spend hours watching videos on what gear to get, what bike to buy?
I'm scared. I know it's something stupid to be scared about. But I'm just scared that my only goal getting me through my life right now is "Just a phase" that will end in a few months when I graduate college.
It feels like the only concrete thing in my life right now. And I need it to be. | self.offmychest |
I have midterm tonight, doing my best studying, depression hits, now I feel like not doing anything. Someone please give me strength to at least attend the midterm. [deleted] | self.depression |
feel like shit, I'm shit it can't be like this forever i don't have the strenght to discipline myself and my life anymore. I feel trapped in a body which is disfonctional , I hate the depression, bad mood, anxiety, bad feeling and other nasty feeling cocktail everyday. I have no friends from a long time, I spend all my free time in my room, just feel hopeless .I wantto kill myself but I fear what's really happen to people like me on the other side. | self.depression |
[DAE] get anxiety yawns? I'm very anxious today. My heart is beating faster than usual, I am unfocused, fidgety, and I can't stop yawning!!
This happens to me sometimes. Usually for a day or so. It's so uncomfortable! It's like I can't get enough air in my lungs to yawn properly, or at least my brain keeps thinking I need to get more oxygen for some reason. I'll yawn like every other minute! It's very annoying :/ I wish I could stop it but its like this weird mental thing I have! | self.Anxiety |
I feel like i have nothing to do. From a few weeks i feel like i literally live out the same day over and over again. I do not get any joy from anything i used to do (going out, gym, playing video games, work etc.).
I feel fatigued every single morning i wake up, and i just can't see the reason why do we even exist when our whole lives are just empty and even if we accomplish something big , we'll die anyways and it won't matter.
The actual problem is that i dont really have a bad life, i just can't find a reason to live when i feel nothing from anything.
I doubt that i'll kill myself at any point in my life, i just don't have a clue what to do.
Any help is appreciated. | self.SuicideWatch |
I literally admire people who kill themse lves They were strong enough to do it and im to big of a pussy. I hate myself so much | self.SuicideWatch |
I understand why now When I was younger I would always wonder why anyone would want to take their own life. I understand now. It's pain. Pain from your own mind, family, friends, feelings. You're being betrayed every second and you want someone to hug you. You want them to tell you it's going to be ok but you don't want to burden them so you keep your pain locked up in your heart. It weighs you down like a cinder block in the river.
You fight everyday but you lose. Lose your peace and mind. You don't want to kill yourself because you still care. But the thoughts never go away.
You are already strong. You are warriors. No one but us will know our resilience. Get through it one day at time. Our depression is our strength. | self.depression |
I am bad at everything and have no idea what to do with my life I am 18. I always wanted to be a programmer but I'm terrible at maths, physics and programming... I just can't think logically. I basically wasted 3 years of high school in a maths-physics-IT class and now I realised I won't get good grades on my final exams. And I have 4 months, I will never make it. This all makes me stressed and I feel like I don't even want to have anything to do with maths, physics or IT anymore. I just want to have a calm, easy life without being stressed everyday. But it's too late. If I don't get good grades now, I won't get into a good university and I can't change the path now, the only subjects I've studied on advanced level are maths, physics and IT. I tried taking private physics lessons but the teacher said I was terrible and that I should focus on maths. But I'm bad at maths too.
I wanted to leave my country and go to the UK to university. But even if I get to some low-level college like MDX I will probably drop out because of the lack of logical thinking and I won't get to any non mathematical course with these subjects.
I have no idea what to do. If I don't get a good job, I won't be able to afford my medicines and I will die. I can't ask anyone for help because I am alone and everyone at school thinks I will make it but I'm sure I won't. It's physically impossible in such a short time.
I can't think of anything I could do now. I don't even have the energy to do anything. I know I wasted my life and I will never be able to catch up. And that will be stuck in my brain forever, the feel that it's all my fault because I didn't study hard enough.
Is there anything I can do in this situation? Is there still a chance to stop my life going to waste? I have 4 moths but the deadline to apply to university is the 15th of January...
| self.depression |
Unsure if I can still call my friends 'friends' because they've changed... a lot It hurts that the distance they built is getting further. | self.depression |
Unfocused I have been having issues recently being able to maintain my illness a lot since I have found out I am pregnant. I am 13 weeks and haven’t had any of my meds since the day I found out. I have been having many downs lately and have had myself back and forth with accepting the thought that I am having a child. I have been seeing my therapist once a week but it’s only doing so much. I have gotten to a certain point where nearly everything is over stimulating. Watching Tv or a movie is too much and holding a conversation feels like a chore. It’s as though I am only comfortable staring off into space. I haven’t heard my voices in a few days, but this emptiness is new. It’s almost euphoric to me. I just am not sure if it’s concerning or not. | self.bipolar |
At a loss Honestly, lost is the only way to describe it. Reaching out in the hopes of finding someone to vent | self.depression |
Yearning for Someone I’ve Never Met There’s a deep yearning in my heart for my Other Half, the one whose love would have completed me. It’s so strange to yearn for the touch of a person you don’t know and never met. But you know she’s out there, somewhere. Perhaps in the distant past, perhaps in a distant future, perhaps in some alternative world that never happened. If you close your eyes and reach out with your feelings, you can feel her - the one who immediately puts your mind at ease, who fills you with warmth and tenderness. You can feel her touch, how wonderful she feels in your arms. But you’ve never known that person.
And when you reach a certain age, you realize that your True Love died before you were born and will be born after you die. | self.depression |
I'm like Shrodingers cat. Does this analogy make sense to anyone? I'm obviously alive but I've given up on life. It's as though I'm both dead and alive simultaneously. I have no suicidal intentions- not because I fear death. I live for 2 reasons, firstly, because I do not wish anyone to suffer from my passing. Secondly, because there is no guarantee I would die from suicide and potentially end up brain damaged or something. | self.depression |
Bipolar Manic Infidelity and your SO I've recently had a relationship take a serious break because of some infidelity that happened during some manic episodes that I don't remember. My other manic episodes have caused me to lash out and be brutish.
How have those of you who have handled these kind of situations, how have you patched up these relationships? I'm new to being bipolar and have come to realize this may explain a lot of behavior that had occurred and I want to be able to fix things and get the relationship going well again.
Any advice would help, pretty lost right now | self.bipolar |
Was it worth it? I have been feeling down lately and decided to make something of this depression by taking some of my mothers Zoloft. I decided to take 100 mg in one sitting. A day after, I feel like crap and I believe I'm coming down with a fever. I just want to know, what are some side effects I should look out for? Keep in mind, I've never taken these pills. | self.Anxiety |
I can't do anything right in my dads eyes. [deleted] | self.depression |
Been depressed ever since I was about 12 or so... 25 now and life has only gotten worse... don't know where to go anymore.. This will be generic so I'll try to keep it short but I've never had any real friends.. the few friends I did have only ditched me leaving me with trust issues even though I don't think I wronged them in any way. Still a kissless virgin, only cared about 2 girls in my life, both rejected me and one said really hurtful things on top of it too which stuck with me for a long time.. but I moved on. I go to gym and have been for the past 3 years/take care of my physical appearance but I think I just have an ugly face and there's nothing I can do about that. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. School wise I have a degree in engineering and finished with pretty good grades... I guess having no friends does have it's perks. But in the end it didn't mean anything, can't find work so I'm just unemployed leeching off my parents. I did have an internship a while ago but I absolutely hated it and stopped going. So my motivation to find work is really low, I was even more miserable working than wasting away doing nothing. Doesn't even matter cause the jobs I think sound cool/intersting reject me anyways...
I spend most of my time by myself in my playing video games or just sitting there doing nothing or sometimes just getting lost in negative thoughts which can consume entire days. I chose to do engineering because I thought maybe that would be something people would respect and if I can't have friends, maybe I can have a successful career.. but that isn't working out. I started going to gym thinking maybe if I'm fit, I'll be happier and people will be more attracted to me. That also didn't do anything. So I just feel like at this point there's nothing left to do, I tried really hard and nothing has changed. Unlike college, I have no outlet to meet people anymore, no clubs or organizations to join anymore. I just don't know where to go from here... I just feel so lost... I don't have any questions or anything, I just wanted to share how I feel with someone and I know this is an uninteresting/generic post so I apologize for that. Probably won't be read so it's fine. | self.depression |
I have no one to talk to I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm pretty sure I'm going to kill myself today. I've tried to kill myself before, but this time, I think I will go through with it and not chicken out.
I'm 40 years old. I'm a part-time cashier. I live with my mom. She'll be horrified, of course, but I think it's probably better to rip off the band-aid then have her get more and more disappointed and sad with me. I know it will suck for her - I know. But I've thought about this for so many years. At this point, I'm just waiting to die, and I don't want to wait anymore.
Life is too hard, and nothing makes it worth it. I don't have any friends, because I don't to put in the work to maintain it. I don't have anything to look forward to, because no matter what happens in the future, I'll still be me, and me is the problem.
I hate that person. I hate how whiny she is, and how lazy she is, and how much of a coward she is. I've tried, a little, to not be me. But I can't. No matter how I progress, I'll always be me, and me is a toxic person.
I don't know why I'm writing this. Nothing matters, and nothing I say, or write, will change reality. The reality is, I'm nothing and no one. My mom will care - she'll be devastated, but I've tried to be alive for her for most of my life. I can't do it anymore. She'll have to forgive me. She'll forgive me.
I really really hope this is the last day I'm alive. I don't know why I'm writing this. There's nothing to talk about. There's nothing to say. I've messed up my life, and I don't want to go back to it. | self.SuicideWatch |
Mom might have cancer...again I just got over a serious depressive episode and am doing really well. My mom called me today to say they found a spot on her humerus and they will need to do more tests. She had breast cancer 3 yrs ago and was supposedly in remission.
I don't know what is coming or even a prognosis right now. All I do know is my strong as nails mother called me today crying bc she's worried about her grandchildren and it broke my heart.
Jas anyone dealt with bone cancer in the family or the death of a parent? Where do I even begin to go to move forward? I feel numb and hurt at the same time. | self.bipolar |
Where do I start? So, I would like to start by apologising for the ludicrous length this post will probably reach. It also may seem scattered, since there's just so much on my mind right now and I don't know what hurts the most, what should come first, or any of that.
Also, to anyone who bothers to read it - Thank you.
I'm tired, so very tired. Throughout the last ten years of my life, there has always been some sort of crisis to deal with. My parents split up when I was around 10. That was okay, not too bad. My mum had a son with another man. A turn of events, but again, no horrible scarring. I still saw my dad and my mum, and had a good family.
I will gloss over the next seven or so years, since I have been to therapy and talked it over countless times. My mum chose poorly. The man somehow conned her of all her money, including me and my sibling's savings. My dad came back, but things didn't get better. My mom fell into depression. Depression turned manic. For seven/eight years she fell apart. Drug abuse, self harm, manipulating others into thinking she was fine, telling me and my siblings that we were the reason she was unhappy, that we weren't good enough. She would shout, break things, smashed a mirror over her head and made my sister pick out the shards. You know, all that stuff.
By the time I went to university she was on the road to recovery. But I couldn't enjoy myself, all the locked away emotions came flooding out. I went to therapy eventually, but my first year of university was miserable.
Then I met my last girlfriend. I loved her, I still do, more than anything I can tell you. I had always wanted to love someone. I love looking after people, making other people smile, supporting and being supported. It's always been my goal in life, to share it with someone special.
I had a good year then, the only good year in the last decade, for which I'm grateful. Part way through my studies however, I got back from holiday with my girlfriend. My dad picked me up and told me he had some bad news.
My mom had brain cancer. She had been taken into A&E a few nights ago after essentially falling apart. We found out over the course of the next few weeks that it was stage four, it was the worst possible strain of brain cancer. It was terminal. One doctor gave her 6 months to live.
Fortunately, we found a surgeon who could do an awake craniotomy. They did seventeen hours of surgery on her while she was awake. I owe that surgeon a great deal, no one else would operate, and without him she would have died long ago.
All throughout this, I had to go back to university. My mom suffered some damage from the surgery, however, and needed care and assistance. Her personality changed, and it felt like I had lost her all over again. If you could ignore appearance, and meet my mum when she was young. Meet he when she was mentally unwell, and meet her now, I'm telling you you'd have no way of recognising them. I barely remember what she was like anymore, back when I was little, but it feels like I've already lost her twice.
The next year was naturally stressful for me, but I had support in my girlfriend. My older sister has had a boyfriend for 14 years. Not long after my mom was diagnosed, his dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. His mum had Alzheimer's since he was young. I still wonder how he holds himself together. He's known my mum for so long, that he's losing three parents all at once.
But I digress. Things were rough, but my mom was stable for a time. I just recently started my work placement year, as did my girlfriend.
Things seem off. Normally she misses me horribly when we're apart. I'm always the one who has to make time for her, comfort her, and I loved doing it. Now she's distant, hard to get a hold of. This carried on for about two months, and I was a mess throughout all of it. I would work, 8-5, come home, help look after my mum, and maybe sit down at about 8PM and try to relax. But instead all I could do was worry about my girlfriend.
After some time I lay things out for her. I tell her that I love her more than anything, that I couldn't imagine being with anyone else and I thought I had found that special person. But I can't carry on like this, she has to make a choice. She said she's not ready for forever. I'm heartbroken. When we started going out, she would often get upset because she loved me so much. She told me again and again how she wanted to be with me forever, she made sure I felt the same. Made me *Promise*. Now, we're a two hour drive away, and she just fucking throws in the towel? Naturally I was shattered.
Those three days were a rollercoaster of break-downs in-between work and caring for my mum. Then, on Friday morning I get a text from my dad. My mum has fallen down the stairs and broken her hip. If she needed care before, she'll need twice as much now.
Two days later. I find out she has another tumor. This time, they can't operate on it. I've just lost the love of my life, and now my mom is going to die soon. I've been going to therapy the last few weeks. But I just can't seem to get everything off my chest fast enough. I spend my days working, looking after my mom. When I finally get to sit down and relax, my brain is wracked with the agony of losing my girlfriend.
The only solace I have is my maybe once a week nights with my friends. I spent the rest of my time miserable, pushing on day by day. One night a week is all I get.
Last week my mom came down with a chest infection, on top of everything. She was delirious, couldn't walk, couldn't talk. The doctor was worried the tumor might have caused a bleed on the brain. I thought I might lose her. I spent the weekend sleeping on a solid floor in A&E that night, barely got two hours. Turns out it was a false alarm. I had to go back to work on Monday, shattered.
I'm getting counselling, but things just keep happening one after the other that I just can't seem to get everything out. I can't get back on my feet before something else knocks me down. I'm fucking miserable, and It's going to be that way for so long. I'm going to have to spend the next few months trying to get over my relationship. When I finally do, my mom will be knocking on death's door. Then I'll have to get over that. Then, when I'm finally done with that, I'll have to go back to uni.
I'll have to see her in all my classes. I'll have to see her with her friends, whilst all my closest friends switched to a Bachelor's degree and have already left. I'll have to study a course that I don't really like with people I don't really know and see her every fucking day.
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But it's so far away, at least a year, that I just can't see it. My life is going to be so painful for so long and I'm just so tired. Ten years I've had shit thrown at me, I just don't want to do it any more.
Whenever I go to sleep I just wish that somehow, I could not wake up the next day. That I could somehow fade away without reprocutions. But I can't do that, my family have been through so much already and I need to be there for them. My now ten-year-old brother is struggling, I can see it. But his dad refuses to let him go to therapy (He said he's '*Doing a good enough job thank-you*'). His dad, the man who ruined our lives. I can't believe that *my little brother* is going to be raised by that asshole, because his mom has died.
When I'm alone, I haven't been myself lately either. On the drive into work I'll break into tears. And then, when the sadness becomes too much it turns to rage. I keep wailing on the inside of my car (I'm usually the most placid person you'll ever meet) until my knuckles are raw. I've had to be careful today, in case anyone at work asks me why my knuckles seem to be bleeding.
I just want desperately to rest. I need relief. Yet, with all the bad luck so far, I can't bring myself to believe that it will end. Even after my mom passes away, I just can't shake the feeling that something else will happen, like it always does.
I'm sorry if this seemed like such a self-absorbed sob story, but, with counselling only going so far I just felt I had to do something to get more emotion off my chest more quickly. If you read this far, thank you. I know I'll be okay, but I just can't bear to face the year right now, knowing it's going to be so slow and so painful. | self.offmychest |
What do you do when you're having a particularly bad day? I want to make a list of things to do when I'm having a bad day for no particular reason. I'll go first, I like opening the window and standing next to it when I want to get some sun and fresh air but I just can't make it to the shower and get changed, listening to music with noise cancelling headphones, and drinking some fruity tea. What about you? | self.depression |
Almost 2 years since I stopped seeing myself as a person/human and lost hope. I used to be proud about being athletic despite my physical disabilty. I used to be proud over never drinking. I used to think I will have something to offer to another person in a intimate relationship. I used to believe that a girl could actually fall in love with me despite growing up in a dysfunctional home. And then I opened up to a girl I really liked and was good friends with.
And then it all crashed. It may seem to others that I have recovered but in reality I have not. My spirit has not healed from that revelation by the universe. Some day ill have to kill myself, cause the pain just does not stop. I will never be good enough for anyone after all the pain life put me through. | self.depression |
Never thought I’d be here I’ve had a plan since I was in middle school to kill myself after my senior year. One last summer with my friends. But now, I’m registered in my dream college for the job I want to do for the rest of my life. I never thought id be here. It doesn’t seem real. Things get better. | self.SuicideWatch |
When its good it only gets worse So by that title I mean, whenever I have a good day or good few days I know that something bad is going to happen. Recently, that's exactly what occurred. I had a good day, was a week clean of self harm, wasn't feeling too bad at all.
Then Friday rolled around and I had new blades I was excited to try, I cut to fat for the first time and it was a rush for me. I liked that panic and uncertainty.
My *literally definition of it's complicated* person left that day for the weekend. I live on campus, so it happens. So all it well, she comes back and we're good. Then Sunday night, I see something on her phone for a split second, I wasn't snooping. It was just there and I saw it. I realized she was cheating on me.
My heart sank and I immediately wanted to cut or down all my pills or something. I had this breakdown, I was so upset and angry and just felt sick.
I ended up skipping two days of classes to drive home at 4:30am with only 4 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. I didn't tell her I left, I didn't want to face her at all.
Now, I've been home since Monday morning and I still feel like shit. I don't know what to do. | self.depression |
I faked a migraine to get out of school, costed my family 500$ I didn't feel like going to school today so I ended up faking a migraine, I realized that I have an appointment today with a psychologist and that my parents are going to be paying out of pocket as our insurance doesn't cover missed appointments. Feel like shit. Fuck my life. | self.offmychest |
What Finally Worked For /u/not-moses | An inspiring post from /r/bipolar Th original post by /u/not-moses can be found here: https://redd.it/6qs47o
Reposted with permission:
____
Decades of slowly worsening, substance-abuse-and-behavioral-addiction-supercharged mania, depression and anxiety resulting in lost jobs (and finally a blown career), blown marriages, arrests for interpersonal violence (and a month in the slammer 17 years ago), eleven hospitalizations, and two wake-up-in-the-ICU suicide attempts. Here what I had to do:
1) Substance Abuse: I was manically abusing alcohol and drugs. Alcoholics Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous dug me out of that. All three have extensive websites with meeting locators. I didn't need to go to a rehab, but one can use the SAMHSA facility locator online to find one if they need it.
2) Lab Work. I got lab work to determine if I had hormonal (e.g.: thyroid) or metabolic (e.g.: low Vitamin D3) imbalances. One can find a competent MD, DO, PA or NP by using the clinician locators mentioned below or get a referral from your GP/PC doc.
3) Medications: I found a board certified psychopharmacologist in my area by using the physician locators below. I discovered the hard way that getting psych meds from a GP or primary care doc can be useless or even risky. Psych diagnoses, meds and med interactions are just too complex now for most GPs and primary care docs. I started in 1997 with Depakote valproic acid and Paxil paroxetine (which, of course, made it worse in time). Off Paxil in florid mania after four years, I was put on Neurontin gabapentin (useless for me), then Trileptal oxcarbazepine, which helped, but was not the "magic bullet." In 2003, after several months of workaholic / over-exercising mania and a final trip to the ER and acute psych ward, I was put on Seroquel quetiapine, and... viola! I still take a very low dose.
4) Support Groups: Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families (ACA), Emotions Anonymous (EA), and Codependents Anonymous (CoDA)... where I found others in similar boats who had found explanations, answers and solutions. All of their websites have meeting locators.
5) Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: I came to understand that my co-occurring borderline personality disorder was a collection of coping mechanisms for child-abuse- and bipolar-amplified C-PTSD. And once I began treatment for that, I began to improve more rapidly. (Look for "Treat Autonomic AND Cognitive Conditions in Psychopathology?" online.)
6) Published Materials: I found books, peer-reviewed articles and academic, professional websites including Mayo Clinic, WebMD, NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), and even Wikipedia (when everything asserted is solidly documented with citations). I found most (not all) blogs and mass-market websites to be much less trustworthy and useful.
Some of the best stuff:
. . . a) Torrey, E. F.; Knable, M.: *Surviving Manic Depression: A Manual on Bipolar Disorder for Patients, Families & Providers*, New York: Basic Books, 2002.
. . . b) THE experts on complex PTSD and how it amplifies bipolar: Peter Levine, Patricia Ogden, John Briere, Ronald Kurtz, Laurence Heller, Bruce McEwen, Sonya Lupien and Robert Sapolsky.
7) I currently use Ogden's Sensorimotor Processing for Trauma (SP4T) as the "interoceptive" 9th of The 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing (a combination of "insight meditation" with the principles of "general semantics"; you can find both online) to manage any time bombs that turn up, but had good results over the years with several of the
. . . a) cognitive behavioral therapies (CBTs), including Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), collegiate critical thinking, and Schema Therapy; the
. . . b) "super" (or mindfulness-based) CBTs like Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT, the long-time gold standard for BPD symptom management), Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), Mind-Body Bridging Therapy (MBBT), and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR); and the
. . . c) "deep cleaners" like Eye-Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR), Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFST), Hakomi Body Centered Psychotherapy (HBCP), Somatic Experiencing Psychotherapy (SEPt), Sensorimotor Processing for Trauma (SP4T), and the Neuro-Affective Relational Model (NARM).
The CBTs deconstruct one's inaccurate beliefs, values, ideals, principles, convictions, rules, codes, regulations and requirements about how we or they (or the world) should / must / ought / have to be. DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT and MBSR are terrific for emotional symptom management. EMDR, IFST, HBCT, SEPt, SP4T and NARM are first-rate for memory-reprocessing, sense-making and detachment from the conditioning, programming, etc.
To find the clinicians who know how to use these psychotherapies, look on the "therapists" and "psychiatrists" sections of the Psychology Today.com clinician locator, or the "find-a-doctor/specialty/psychiatry" section of the WebMD website; the SAMHSA's treatment facility locator, and -- for DBT specialists in particular -- on the Behavioraltech.org website. If you dig a little on each page, you will be able to see which therapies they use. Then interview them as though they were applying for a job with your company. Most psychiatrists, btw, are not therapists themselves (they are medication specialists), but can refer you to those who are, and are often excellent sources of referral.
8) Instant Anti-Manic Calming Techniques: The Go-Limp Drop Drill, the CBT Off-Ramp, the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing, Benson's Relaxation Response, and Wolpe's Reverse Ratio Breathing; all of which induce homeostatic re-balancing of the autonomic nervous system when it takes off into manic fight, flight, freeze, freak and/or fry.
9) Mindfulness Meditation: The Vipassana meditation style has been hugely helpful. (Many of the modern "mindfulness"-based psychotherapies are actually based on these now.) The article "The Feeling is Always Temporary" at pairadocks.blogspot.com provides a nice summation of it.
10) Therapy Workbooks: I got a lot of lift-off by using inexpensive workbooks built on CBT, ACT, DBT, MBBT, MBCT and MBSR. They are easily found online and include:
Basco, M. R.: *The Bipolar Workbook, Second Edition: Tools for Controlling Your Mood Swings*, 2nd Ed., New York: Guilford Press, 2015.
Bauer, M.; Kilbourne, A.; et al: *Overcoming Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Workbook for Managing Your Symptoms & Achieving Your Life Goals*, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2008.
Chapman, A.; Gratz, K.; Tull, M.: *The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anxiety: Breaking Free from Worry, Panic, PTSD & Other Anxiety Symptoms*, Oakland CA: New Harbinger, 2011.
Chapman, A.; Gratz, K.; Tull, M.: *The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anger: Using DBT Mindfulness & Emotion Regulation Skills to Manage Anger,* Oakland CA: New Harbinger, 2015.
Eifert, G.; McKay, M.; Forsyth, J.: *ACT on life not anger: The New Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Guide to Problem Anger,* Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2006.
McKay, M.; Rogers, P.: *The Anger Control Workbook: Simple, innovative techniques for managing anger and developing healthier ways of relating*; Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2000.
McKay, M.; Rogers, P.; McKay, J.: *hWen Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within*, 2nd Ed., Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2003.
McKay, M.; Wood, J.; Brantley, J.: *The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook*, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2007.
McKay, M.; Fanning, P.; Ona, P. Z.: *Mind and Emotions: A Universal Treatment for Emotional Disorders*, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2011.
Price, P.: *The Cyclothymia Workbook: Learn How to Manage Your Mood Swings & Lead a Balanced Life*, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2004.
Roberts, S.; Sylvia, L.; Reilly-Harrington, N.: *The Bipolar II Disorder Workbook: Managing Recurring Depression, Hypomania & Anxiety*, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2013.
Simpkins, C. A.; Simpkins, A. M.: *The Tao of Bipolar: Using Meditation & Mindfulness to Find Balance & Peace*, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2013.
Stahl, B.; Goldstein, E.: *A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook*, Oakland CA: New Harbinger, 2010.
Van Dijk, S.: *The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder: Using DBT to Regain Control of Your Emotions and Your Life*, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2009.
Van Dijk, S.: *Calming the Emotional Storm*, Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, 2012.
11) Moderate Exercise: I learned over time to get some in every day, but not to over-exercise. If nothing else, the distraction was helpful. But it also got my body chemistry to work for -- instead of against -- me.
12) Diet: Like many people with depression, mania and/or anxiety, I ate very poorly. Junk food -- not to mention too little nutritious food -- made my symptoms worse. High-quality frozen meals proved to be better than McFood of almost any kind, but HQ *fresh* (especially Mediterranean -- though not pizza -- and Asian) food appears to be best. Healthy fats (e.g.: avocado) in moderation, btw, are known to be good for depression. I added a daily 1000 IU soft gel of Vitamin D3, too.
Of the ten, #3 and #7 are the only ones that cost much, and several are totally free. | self.bipolar |
Anxiety over religious family and future Hi. I'm not sure how to put this all into words nicely, so apologies if this is all over the place.
I'm 20 years old, and still live with my parents. In fact, that will remain the case until I most likely get married, as is tradition in our religion. The religion in question I won't name. Is a rather abstract one which I doubt many have heard of. In any case, in this religion, you must marry someone else within the religion and you get disowned and cut off entirely if you do so. I've seen it happen with other family members and such. Now, our family lives in a state where there is only a small concentration of people within our religion. The main concentration is in another state. Past couple years I've gone there from time to time but its hard for me to make friends there and it is expensive to go there often.
Of course there is the underlying pressure of finding a girlfriend there which, for me, I really doubt will end up happening. But what can I do really. I hate how forced it all feels. Through work and such I meet people and get along fine. But get thrown into a situation where all these people already know eachother, that's something else that I can't handle.
I've met a few females of interest outside of my religion, as is natural for anyone, but my go to action is always to pull away. I have never pursued anything of the sort, and knowing myself, I probably never will. Worst part of this story is a girl I met through an online game who lived in the same state as me. We got pretty close. I always seemed to distance myself when we got a bit too close, but it was an on and off thing. It was at one later point, I told her why. About the religion. She admitted she was into me, and I returned, but that was that. After admitting things were split rather well.
Maybe the reason I don't tell people about my religion is for that feeling initially. They treat you as just normal. Due to the obscurity of my religion attitudes always seem to change towards me after they find out.
Next coems my social life in home town and surrounding ideas. I hardly have one. I have a few good friends. Never go out to do what normal young adults would do (clubbing, pub) due to parents being so controlling. Drinking isnt exactly frowned upon in our religion, but they hate it when I say I had a few drinks with my non-religion friends from high school when I caught up with them. After the one time, they don't trust me when I go to a friends house for a LAN party.
In any case, to sum all this up. I'm most liking giving myself anxiety over the idea that I'll never find anyone within the religion. If I leave the religion/find someone else, I'm excommunicated from my family and all those in it, which is all I've really known to be honest. I don't feel like I'm having just a normal young adult experience, which I crave. These issues have carried over from when I was younger. I have/had social anxiety through high school, and consider myself lucky to have gotten the few great friends I did.
I know this post was all over the place, but honestly, I don't know what my options are anymore. I'm scared that my future is a dead end already. At least if I stay in the religion. But I don't want to leave my family. They've done their best for me, and love me. I love them.
Advice in general would be appreciated. Been wanting to post this for a few months now. | self.offmychest |
I just want it all to end First of all, I firmly apologize if this is long.
I just got dumped and had my heart broken. AGAIN!
My life is so fucking bad, I really want it all to end. I never had ANY success in my love life. Any relationship that I would enter, I would just get heartbroken. I've been terribly depressed before due to my other break-ups, but more than one year ago, I met this beautiful girl (let's call her Sara) who changed my life. At the time, she was the only good thing to come in my life. She was always there for me, she'd comfort me when I'm not okay, she'd make me laugh, she was just THERE and that's all I needed. She told me she loves me so many times and always used to say that she'll be here always and forever. And I trusted her. We've been together for over a year and I really got attached to her. I love her so fucking much. Throughout December, I was looking back at the past few months and couldn't believe how good my life has become, just because of that one person.
Tonight, she just told me that she has changed. That she has made new decisions for 2018, that she completely changed. She explained how her love for me is simply leaving, and that's it. I haven't done anything, I've always been there for her, I did my best as a boyfriend. She didn't let me say anything, to try and change her mind. It ended so fast.
My whole life got destroyed tonight. She was my whole life. And I know I'm not getting her back. I love her so much and I don't know what to say. I've spent 2 hours just crying, thinking and listening to some music. I feel so empty, my heart just fucking hurts. I'm just thinking of ending it all. On top of that, I have other problems - my mother is sick and I have financial problems. She made it better. She gave me hope. I'm tired of it all. The pain, the tears and despair. I don't even understand anymore; HOW CAN IT GET BETTER? I don't see any possible scenario of my life getting better. I really wanted to share, and I have no one so close to me to really vent out. I only have Reddit.
Thank you so much if you read through this, it means so much. I'm broken right now. I don't know what's gonna happen to me or what I'll do. | self.depression |
I'm just putting on a show to make everyone think I'm okay. [deleted] | self.depression |
No friends, isolated for years, and thinking about if it's too late to change. I just got to thinking about how much time I spend alone. Throughout elementary and middle school I had some friends that I hung out with. I lost them all when I went to high school, where I was forced to make new friends. None of those friendships stuck though, and I never hung out with any of the people I talked to. Imagine that: four years of going to school and coming home and spending all that time by yourself. I got to wondering tonight what that does to a person’s psyche… I like to think I introspect a lot and I’m a thoughtful person because of it, but I think the more likely outcome of all this is that i’ve become socially awkward, paranoid, and bitter towards the people around me. I’m like a social and societal disease. Every room I walk into it’s like I’m sucking all the energy from everyone there. It’s like that in college too. I just started last semester and I’ve made no friends. i know people in my dorm or in my classes think of me as as that girl with no friends. They either pity me or ignore me like the plague. Sorry for the weird rant. Just wondering if anyone else feels like this… | self.depression |
I Think I Know My Place. I Am Not Going To Be A Girl Someone Likes. I'm not going to try anymore. I'm tired. | self.offmychest |
To a father
I don’t know if you ever loved either of us. I don’t know why you even stayed that long. I don’t know who you are or where.
And I doubt I will ever find out.
You don’t know the person your daughter grew up to be. You didn’t see her dance recitals. Or the robot she built or any of the things she is proud of. You never took her fishing. Or showed her how to use her great grandfathers’ camera. And I doubt you’ll ever get a chance to hear about it.
You don’t know the bright mind you almost put out. You can’t recognize the spirit that burns inside her, because you had no part in building that flame. I doubt you ever will. 17 years since the last time you saw her, a tiny little thing still struggling for life. Who knew she’d grow up so smart, going to College two years early, and aspiring engineer... yet, You almost took that away. I don’t know if it was intentional, I doubt I ever will.
I don’t know if I ever want to find you. I imagine who I wish you’d be, the man I’d find behind the lies and the mystery mom surrounded you in. I doubt that he’s who you’d actually be. It took this long for someone to mess up and hand me a pile of photos with you in them.
I don’t know if you’d be proud of the person I’ve become and I don’t know if I care. After all these years, I don’t know if you’d want anything to do with me, nor the other way around.
I doubt I ever will.
-the baby you shook | self.offmychest |
Back from the psychward...again But I've been feeling so much better! I'm being cautiously optimistic about what the future holds for me, but I'm taking it day by day. I made friends on my own I think for the first time since kindergarten and we're going to try keep it touch. Just holy shit, I'm feeling so much better, my head feel clears, my step light. I'm still having some anxiety but the intrusive thoughts are quiet, my head doesn't feel chaotic, scattered, and I'm not getting confused or forgetting I said something.
I'm smiling, I can't wait for the future for the first time in a long time, more specifically I see a future. I also actually learned specific rights in my state for someone who has been deamed SMI status (via my own decision, not court ordered I've never been court ordered to do anything) can make a complaint against their psychiatrist office for a grievous mistake on their end.
She told me that it would also be a big help reporting it because a lot of patience because of the mental illness they are suffering from such as bipolar or depression or sometimes not and either the mindset or mood, such as having the energy, to make those complaints that will get somebody of higher authority to listen.
She gave me all the correct numbers to file formal complaints, and I'm not feeling spiteful by any means, however I believe they need to answer for why they did not respond to me and did not help me when I was having a very terrible crisis (such as she let me know next time to get me to my psych office to return their call after I had been trying to for days, that I should call the crisis line she provided and they will call my clinic personally and if my clinic does not respond to the crisis line it is illegal for them to do so, at least in my state from what I was told. She was very nice she explained many things and was very sympathetic and apologetic about the clinic helping my illness escalate to the point of extreme crisis).
And it was a very grievous mistake on their end, one that ended me up in the psych ward to begin with. Just when I needed their help the most I got radio silence and dead air on their end to the point where I was nearly ready to do the dumbest thing I could have ever done: end my own life.
However, the doctor at the clinic, and I mean the psychiatrist, put me on the right medication, this time correctly a mood stabilizer and antidepressant that works very well in conjunction with one another.
I know many of you are still struggling very hard with trying to find the right treatment or the right Dr and I am very sorry that you are still going through this because I understand how tough. I've been trying to find the right medication combination for over 6 years now and I really was getting to the end of my rope, so tired of fighting so tired of everything not working. I was honestly ready to give up, to just say that I'm a hopeless case and that nothing will ever get better in my life.
And anyone feeling this way, please find help. Like I said it's been 6 years and as many Psych hospitalizations but I have finally found medications better helping me out and I see a future for myself for the first time in a very long time.
Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of me in the past when I have posted here, I don't know if I would have had the courage to continue without you all rooting for me and telling me that it will get better one day. My one day has finally come, and like I said I'm cautiously optimistic about these continuing to work but I'm not going to knock it while I have it working.
Again, thank you all and I wish you all nothing but the best and my eternal gratitude to those who have been so kind. | self.bipolar |
Feel like a failure because I can't get a job. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I don't know who to turn to any more. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I'll never be good enough Got dumped in August by my boyfriend of 5 years. Was finally starting to feel a little bit better about myself and was seeing someone new. Yesterday he dumped me too. Then was texting and flirting with me. I know he's not worth my time but I can't stop thinking about him. I just want someone to care about me enough to stick around. | self.offmychest |
Forums for anxiety/pTSD? Reddit isn't always my favorite place to post about mental health issues, so I was curious if any of you frequent other places? I've glanced through places like nomorepanic.uk, but they aren't always the most active communities. Any relating to anxiety, panic, or PTSD would be applicable. Thanks in advance... | self.Anxiety |
I hate driving, and I want to give up on life I'm 18, and I just got my learner's permit, so it's already obvious that I'm some sort of retard, since it took me so long just to get that. Today I started driving on the road for the first time, and I fucking hate it. I completely suck at it. Too much shit I have to pay attention to. I'm a fucking idiot, so I can't multitask to save my life. So you gotta stay in your lane and make sure the car doesn't drift, watch out for road signs and shit, and also be paying attention to traffic? Yeah, no. It's just not gonna happen, I'm too stupid.
Driving isn't the only thing I'm a failure at. School, work, money management. Basically any "real world" stuff that requires even the smallest bit of effort, I fuck it up. I suck at anything that has to do with the real world except socializing, and even with that I'm just average and plain at. Even the one real world skill that I enjoy, writing, I'm just plain at. Hell, even outside of the real world, I suck at everything. I suck at video games, and I always drop shows, even the ones I like. HELL, even the one thing I pride myself in, having a shit ton of useless knowledge, is fucked because there's just a ton of holes in the information I have stored.
Fuck, I just want to give up. Everything I do ends in failure. I was looking back on this time last year, compared to now. Everything was good, I had an amazing girlfriend, I had passed all my classes, I had a great job, and I had "defeated" the person I dislike most in life. Now? No girlfriend because I fucked up our relationship, no highschool diploma because I dropped out, I just left my second job, and the person I dislike the most in life now is me. What's even the point of this? I should just kill myself. I'm seriously tired of all this shit, it's all for nothing, seriously. People are always bitching at me for lounging around all day, and never trying to "move forward", but why would I? I'll just fuck it up in the end like an idiot anyways. It's never gonna improve. The only reason I'm still here is because a couple people need me to be strong for them, just a little while longer, but I can't even pretend to do that. I'm constantly breaking down (like this, actually) to them. I'd usually write all this shit and send it to a friend, but I'm tired of weighing them down with all this shit all the time. And don't even try to tell me that, "It's you friends! That's what they're for!" Bullshit. I can see the look on their faces. They don't want to loose me, but they're fucking tired of fighting. They've got their own problems too, they don't need to worry about whether or not I'm gonna jump of a bridge everyday too.
Fuck. Every time I look back on my life, I see nothing but failures. Being an extrovert is a bitch too, because I need to be around people to have any energy, but whenever I have energy, I act like a jackass, which makes me do, say, and act things that make me feel like a stupid jackass later on when I'm alone, which makes me want to go out less, which makes me have less energy, which makes my eventual social energy spikes even stronger, and the cycle goes on and on. Fuck it, people drained me instead, that would stop me from acting like an ass every time I'm being social. Of course, I never have enough self-awareness in the moment to control it. So I'm known as this goofy dorky outgoing guy. It feels like a lie though, because whenever I'm alone, I'm depressed as hell. I also have anger issues, which make me feel like an even shittier person.
And of course, like this, I go on long ass ramblings and tangents that really serve no purpose but to clear my head, so I'm just spitting out information and thoughts in such huge volumes. No one has ever said it, but I'm sure it's fucking annoying. It's annoying to me whenever I realize I'm doing it.
Fuck it, what's the point of any of this? It's almost 2018, and everyone is saying, "Don't bring anything negative with you into 2018." What am I supposed to do then, kill myself within the next 4 hours? I absolutely am the only negative thing. I'm sure most people who know me would be shocked that I think any of this about myself. That's the power of being an extrovert, I'm just able to pull that positive energy out of my ass whenever I'm with people. It's ridiculous, and it makes me feel like a fake as fuck person, whether I'm being depressed or social. Almost everyone I know likes me, except me. And it's not like I plan to change for 2018 either. I don't have a plan, I don't have any goals. Once those 3 are out of highschool, I'm done, for real. I'll probably off myself before that honestly, because before then, I'll start college, and that'll give me a whole bunch of new opportunities to fuck up, which will really make me want to kill myself. Hell, maybe I'll join too many classes and clubs just to speed up the process quicker.
I don't care. Fuck me. Apathetic, incompetent, fake ass motherfucker. | self.SuicideWatch |
I feel empty I have felt like my brain was strangling itself for the whole month, it just settled down a bit but that was somewhat replaced with feeling dead inside. I act like I did before when I felt like I had someone who made me happy but it is all an act, I'm miserable in my own mind. Wishing I could turn back time so I could feel as normal as I could feel. I have some hope but then my brain counters that with opposing thoughts, I honestly just want to forget about life at this point. | self.depression |
I’ve never had a girlfriend and it’s forcing me to reevaluate everything Yep, it’s one of these.
I’m 21 and I feel unloveable. All I want is to be close to someone, and I want to feel important. Of course, I want physical intimacy as well. I’ve never felt any of these things and it feels like nobody could possibly want them from me.
I’ve always been a pretty reserved guy. I’m not the kind of person who feeds off being around others, but I reckon I’m good company when there are people I feel able to engage with. I have a small group of friends whom I like very much. However, my spare time is spent in one (student) group where I feel like chopped liver a lot of the time.
Once there was a girl I really liked. After being friends with her for a while, I asked her out. I knew I’d be over the moon if I could be with her. We went out, but she told me she saw me as a friend. She ended up with someone else after that, who is more popular, brighter and better-looking than I am. During this time, I was too gutted to repair the damage that all of this had dealt to our friendship.
Having looked at myself, I don’t feel like a) I’m confident enough to talk to new people; b) I have a life that’s interesting enough to share with them. I worry that women don’t see me as manly enough to be treated as a romantic prospect.
The problem is that I was happy before all of this. Wanting to be in a relationship has made me want to change everything, whereas everything looked good beforehand. I consider myself capable of rising to the occasion, and I’ll do what I need to do to make myself happy, but just comparing the person I want to be and the person I am now is making this look impossible.
| self.offmychest |
I'm fucking done I hate myself. I hate my face, my hair my stomach my legs arms eyes EVERYTHING. I hate everything about myself. I'm tired of being treated like absolute fucking garbage by friends and family. I'm tired of being fucking ignored by people who "love" me. I'm tired of dealing with all of this fucking bullshit. I hate life and all the garbage that comes along with it. I'm so fucking done. | self.SuicideWatch |
Martyr Complex I faked proposed to someone to get their family off my back. I loathe this person 90% of the time. Truthfully they're a horrible human being, in action. This person has been hurt many times before. She doesn't believe on a subconscious level she is worthy of love. I try to be careful about projecting my feelings or emotions on people. From an objective perspective, this person's perception of love is unhealthy. She tries to rule. She tries to control. Living with this person, because of a lack of options. Reached out to my family, told them of my concerns. They invalidate my feelings. Yet want me to spend time w/ them. BS ... You can't accept all of me. F*ck you. Seriously. Back to this woman. I am truly better off, without her. She tries to manipulate me. Problem that arises, she is really stupid, compared to me. This girl doesn't understand that I know how to read people inside and out. She is a novice. Apart of me likes the competition. I like rising to the occasion. As a result, I tell her what she could do better concerning her communication skills. She half listens. Continues to be a poor communicator. Continues to bore me intellectually. I'm a good person, will make sure my leaving, doesn't impact her too much. But all facets of my mind, are laughing at her stupidity. Her ill thought out attempts to manipulate .... So many .... Not going to give away all my secrets. Just know the person, I'm with is insecure. Accordingly, she has to manipulate situations to her benefit. Talking about a girl, that feels she needs to do, low key, hypnosis to keep a man. I'm not God, it has a slight effect. But I realize who the f*ck I am then snap out of it. I want to move from this state more than anything in the world .... Yet my "family" is silent. They get off from thinking they're privy to some inside joke. They watch me suffering. They watch me hating my life. They see me reaching out to them, yet they don't respond. In sum, f*ck them. Didn't ask to be born. Was born. Was your responsibility. Any benefits derived from that are entitled to me. Any defects are, partially, a result from your poor child rearing skills. Discovering, I am really SMART. Family and fake friends are always 2 steps behind me. Literally, predict all their moves with certainty. They're bad people. Have some type of savior complex. But that's starting to fall by the wayside. I truly don't give af about them! Want me to be some trained pony. C'mon you should visit us during holidays. But, when I visit, you shut down all of my opinions. Deny my personhood. Assume you're always right. Despite me being further ahead in life, at my age. Helping people, hasn't totally gone to the wayside. To my family and my fake a** GF "F*ck you" for making me feel like I need to conform, change to some standard, I am without a doubt BETTER than you. Beyond question. These horrible people in my life, can't even summon the guts to talk to me in person. Yet, supposed to believe, that I am inferior. As if. Lucky combination of genes made me. I embrace who I am. Not going to subject myself, to anything I don't want to be apart of. Smarter than you, can probably or most definitely beat your a**. Done holding back my GREATNESS to appease other people's inferiority complex. In case you skimmed .... f*cked family & GF "f*ck you". EVOLVE then maybe we can talk ... | self.offmychest |
Does anyone else hate how everything is politicized now? Everyone is constantly arguing. I have strong political opinions and I honestly feel like I've been alienated from certain social groups due to them (maybe that's my fault). I'm open minded though and I don't insult people. Political discussions now just boil down to, 'I'm right, you're wrong,' rather than, 'let's have a respectful conversation and see if we can come to a conclusion that actually benefits us.' It's like we're completely undermined by our nature, and we never get anything done because of it. The obvious response to this is, 'just stop paying attention to politics,' but you can't at this point - it's inescapable. I'm sorry if I'm rambling. | self.depression |
Tried To End It Bit my arms and tried to rip the flesh off.. Tried to choke myself.. Then tried to snap my own neck LOL.. I need a gun or something.. I don't have health issues so I can't take drugs to end it.. I NEED something to kill me.. | self.depression |
could use a friend So this girl ive know since this year had a boyfriend, met me broke up woth him came to me then left me back for him, after that we disnt speak for 2 months and now she broke up with him, went to a party saw him there and now shes questioning me and i feel even more depressed on top of the usual one amd i honestly feel like just dying | self.depression |
Hypomania crept up on me I woke up at 3:30 this morning and it is pretty clear I’m a bit hypomanic. I emailed my director bluntly asking for my old responsibilities. I posted about my rape on Facebook. I am not sleeping very much.
I asked my boss if I could work with my out of office on today. That way I can work but not really have to deal with people. I have a ton I can do with no interaction with people.
Any tips for getting back to stable? Do I just have to ride this out? I’m taking my medicine and I do therapy. I’m just a little impulsive right now so I don’t want to send emails. | self.bipolar |
You're amazing... You do truly amaze me with how completely clueless and shitty you are.
No, we did not have "an equal part" in our relationship failing. You lied, cheated, betrayed, and manipulated, and I responded.
Nothing about this was real, because you aren't real. So no, I don't have anything but contempt for you in my mind or my heart.
Never again. You mean nothing to me anymore.
| self.offmychest |
Accidently missed meds I accidently missed my meds for 3 days. Don't ask how I just realized it. I don't be able to reach my house until tonight and I have a dinner to go to in 10 hours and my symptoms are getting worse when I'm not actively controlling it. I've never really had to control my symptoms on my own in a long time so any advice is appreciated. | self.bipolar |
I'm 27, gay, never had a relationship, close to none sexual experience, never had friends and no degree, currently unemployed. Do you know anyone in my situation? And what should I do, just kill myself? | self.Anxiety |
It's so hard 23 years old here, my grandma died last week, she was more of a mother than my own mom and i am at the body as they call it, the thing where they expose the body one last time, and it's so hard... My dad died 8 years ago but it was a suicide so the body was not shown but seeing her body like that is heart shredding. She is smiling too which make me even more of an emotional wreck. | self.offmychest |
Is there any way to get rid of a feeling of just not deserving or being good enough? I go to the gym regularly, but I just really start feeling shitty...I take prozac, and have had GAD and depression since like 2015 till now. I dunno man, I guess it's an inferiority complex or something. Lol I can't even enjoy videogames for long without feeling a bit useless. Little things stress me out, and I am either completely anxious, or I feel like i am just trying to enjoy life, but I always feel like I am being lazy when I'm not anxious. It's real hard to explain. | self.Anxiety |
Who needs friends, anyway? All of mine either drop dead or double-cross me. Maybe I'm not meant to have any. Maybe I'm better off being lonely. Maybe I should just focus on the "friends" in my video games. At least they always praise me and will never turn their backs on me. | self.depression |
Anxiety over a friend Can someone please PM me?
In a way the anxiety is stupid but it still hurts :-/ | self.Anxiety |
Sometimes I feel that, even though I may be 10 years older, a homeless 18 year old has lived more than I have I used to think that even if I can hold onto one more day of life that this is will be worth it in the end. I won't be hurting people as much as the alternative and things could improve.
The fact it seems is that life is not lived in a timespan but rather what experiences you open yourself up to.
I could go on for another 20 years living in this avoidance, low energy state, or I could risk it all and find myself living a much shorter life because of reckless abandon.
I am not saying either one is better but it has me thinking about the value of life and which path I should take so I'm not looking back now with regret. | self.depression |
I need help handling nostalgia Have you ever stumbled on an old movie or tv show or a song, and just felt sickening nostalgia? I cannot handle it at all. I get warped back to four years ago, which was the worst time of my life. It reminds me of a certain someone. I work at a retail store and I can't help but freeze when a certain song play over the speakers. I have to go to the bathroom where it's quiet. It's just a flood of this sickly feeling in my stomach. I don't know what to do. | self.offmychest |
I feel really sad because I feel no one likes me and that I push everyone away It makes me really sad to feel so alone. My therapist says that feeling alone can cause depression. That I need to feel like I can connect to others. But I don’t feel like anyone wants to talk to me. Not my mom, my boyfriend, my roommate. I just seem to cause stress and chaos for everyone around me. And because I’m so needy people don’t want to talk to me
How can I feel better? | self.depression |
Another wasted year. Why is it the two worst, most hurtful relationships lasted years, while the ones that feel that they have the most love and promise a real future fall apart in an eye blink. I feel cursed to either live in misery, or except fleeting happiness, followed by loneliness. What a joke. I really fucking hate my life. | self.depression |
My friends annoy me Hello! So yeah I sound like a bad friend, huh? Well the thing is i don't know how and why but I seem to attract and form friendships with proud and selfish people. These characteristics are some of the things that annoy me the most.
We can get along really well but as time progresses I despise when they text me because they do it only when it's convenient to them. I hate stroking ego, and i dislike when they keep turning the conversation back to themselves. I feel like I'm investing a lot of time and effort and they just say "no" like it's no big deal. And I'm talking about the little things as well as the bigger ones. If they're down, they expect me to be supportive. If I'm down and they feel like doing something else, they say so with no problems. I can't keep on sacrificing myself but at the same time I'm a very forgiving person and there's only 2 persons that I talk to so i keep overlooking these aspects. I am also a person who can get over it quickly(I'm paradoxically detached) but the thing is that it's fun to talk with people who know your life you know? I can easily make internet friends or new friends but they won't get my inside jokes.
For most of my life I lived well off with no stable friendships and I can do that again but at the same time it's fun to know there's someone else keeping track of the events in my life you know? And i know about their stuff.
But at the same time they piss me off and I get negative physical reactions sometimes when they text me or because of what they're saying.
I'm considering distancing myself and just finding friends that click better with me. I don't want to be rude though. Yet I feel like I annoy one of the friends I have as well and I don't understand why we keep talking despite this.
Ya so there was it. | self.offmychest |
Cross posted in r/healthanxiety: Paranoid about a healing bump on my head. So almost two weeks ago (last Monday), I decided to go to Urgent Care because of chest pains. On my way to the car, I opened the door and it whacked me in the forehead.
I had a huge egg on my forehead above my right eye and it has almost gone down completely. The only bump is a small vertical line raised that isn't much longer than 3/4".
But because it is a line and it hurts to touch it (as well as after touching it), my brain is telling me I'm going to die of a blood clot or a stroke.
Can someone please help convince me this isn't the case? Dumb brain trying to scare me. | self.Anxiety |
Does anyone ever feel like they remind themselves to be depressed? Like I will be having a good day or enjoying something I’m doing and them bam, I’ll notice that I’m feeling happy and I just get hit with a wave of dread and it’s right back to the never ending stream of negative thoughts. It’s almost like I can be happy but subconsciously I’ll never allow it to happen. | self.depression |
I finally got off my butt and took us out today It's been one hell of a time these past 5ish months and lately, my depression has been kicking my butt.
I finally took my two sons out again. After way too long of nothing but Christmas events, a NYE BBQ and birthday dinner.
I took us to one of my favourite places to go. There's few people (especially when it's not school holidays), there's loads of wildlife around and plenty of seats so you can rest frequently (important when you have small kids).
And it feels good. I'm exhausted. Sore feet and legs, a bit dehydrated and sunburnt, but still better. I also have a few photos to show for it, which is always good. | self.depression |
Can't wait but have to I'm planning on killing myself in a couple of weeks but darn I hate waiting! I can't divulge why I have to wait but it's making this situation almost unbearable. It's all I think about now. Though I must admit I'm able to plan better. Wrote my goodbye letter today. A better place for it to happen dawned on me today so that's good (I don't want to do it at home so my SO finds me). The thought of freedom is so exciting for me. I hate waiting! | self.SuicideWatch |
Questions about anxiety Sorry in advance if this is against the rules.
Was looking to get some information about anxiety. I can't go to a psychologist or any other medical professionals to get help currently because I was told it goes on record if there is something wrong with you and it hinders you when getting job opportunities.
I'm a long time lurker over at /r/depression, and this past month my mental state has been getting worse and worse. I'm at a point where I can't sleep properly, and when I sleep, it feels like I don't. I whisper to myself most nights that I want to die an excruciating death because I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a long time now it seems.
I wanted to inform myself a bit about anxiety because I feel as though I have symptoms that describe it, and I want to try and work on it myself.
When I get home from college, I rethink every conversation I had with people. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. I feel guilty for having said something. For how I moved. How I looked. I think about every word I said. More importantly, I think about every thing the people involved did, said, looked like. I feel like they come home after our conversations and judge me, looking for a way to undermine me. Dominate me, socially.
I can't function like this anymore but I don't know what to do about it.
Every bad thing I ever did in life, minor things, haunt me at nights. When I remember one thing, all of them come piling down. Things people have forgotten, meaningless things, they are still in my brain. I think that people are collecting trash on me to destroy me socially. They aren't. Are they?
I can't study. The thought of even opening a book and seeing everything I don't know hinders me from ever opening it. I'm so deathly afraid of failure I can't bring myself to even try anymore. I am more comfortable not even trying and pinning it on being lazy than being stupid. Which is stupid in on itself.
Every friend I have, which is a grand total of 3 right now, maybe, I think is out to get me. Trying to manipulate me into destroying myself.
I am afraid constantly, yet not at the same time.
Sometimes there is comfort in knowing that what is wrong with you, has a name. That others have it too, and that you can be helped.
If you can talk to me about anxiety a little if you have time, I would appreciate it. I desperately need it. I want to know if I actually have it, so I can start working on it. Or at least know that I'm just.. I don't know. My head hurts. | self.Anxiety |
The age old question: how to deal with (your own) resistance/fatigue? I often complain about "not being motivated", or not " feeling like doing something", but really what I'm saying is that I am beyond the point of being able to use willpower or Jedi mind tricks to complete a talk. If I complain about lack of motivation to do something, then I *have* the motivation to do it, but the engines are maxed out.
Ususally in this case one of two things are happening, when I'm "not motivated" I basically just don't have enough energy to get over the hump. Like I don't have enough energy to power up the warp engine and I'm just drifting. I used to just pound sugar or caffeine to boost me through but that doesn't work anymore. Sugar doesn't give me a boost, it makes me pass out, and caffeine gives me a short boost then I'm exhausted for two days.
For the second this when I'm "not feeling like doing something", and I'm not depressed (ie to the point where willpower isn't enough), it's usually resistance. And I have no idea what that's about or how to trick it into backing off so I can get shit done. I've tried analyzing and finding a reason behind it, I've tried Jedi mind tricks, those only work to a point. In the end it takes a crisis, or being suddenly angry or afraid, where I'm released from the resistance to get something done.
What is going on? Is there something in my body? Like a hormone that's off or something? What is the deal with needing "boosts" of anger, fear, emergency, caffeine or sugar? I guess they all raise my adrenaline levels so I can move? If that's the case, why do I need higher levels of adrenaline in order to function? | self.bipolar |
Was just prescribed 25mg of Lamictal.. i’m scared i’m a very worrisome and paranoid person, i read that a side affect could be a potentially fatal rash..
is this something i should really worry about? i’m scared as hell | self.bipolar |
Headed Nowhere Fast In Middle America *Shit job
*College dropout
*No friends
*Lives with parents
What's the purpose, right? Without the chance of friendship and love, why even bother living? | self.depression |
I can't do this much longer 17 and soon brave enough to end my life.
Everything hurts and nothing gets better | self.SuicideWatch |
Thanks to Trump my ultra shitty health insurance premium went up $130 a month. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
How does caffeine and alcohol affect your moods? When I drink coffee in the morning on an empty stomach I feel like my racing thoughts and anxiety are way worse. I don’t start to feel better until afternoon. Also When I drink alcohol I have terrible crying spells at some point the next day or two days after. Does this happen to anyone else too? How does these two stimulates affect you? Do you still drink them? Or did you have to give them up? | self.bipolar |
Military spouse, feel like I’m reaching a breaking point with my anxiety. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
I can't handle being alone anymore Everyone has abandoned me, not that I blame them. If I could abandon ship I would. Now I'm just sitting here wondering if this combination of Buspirone and Vistaril will be enough to put me down and keep me down for good. I'm so tired of suffering from my depression and anxiety and no one having any clue what to do so they just leave me. | self.SuicideWatch |
I feel numb I can’t really feel anything anymore. Sure, I’ll smile but it’s fake, there’s nothing behind it. I’m having trouble at work because I could care less about it. All I do is sleep. I don’t even do stuff I like anymore. To top it all off is I’m 32 and still live with my parents.
Now all I think about is death. The feel of the grip in my hand. The cold and smoothness of the barrel. The weight of it in my hand. The thought weights on me heavily. I’m going to pick it up after my parents leave for work. I don’t think my dad knows that I know where it’s at. I can’t wait to hold it. | self.SuicideWatch |
Sometimes I can't breathe Sometimes I can't breathe, and by sometimes I mean every other day. When I'm home alone it feels like...nothingness, but at the same time as if there are ants just crawling along my brain. I don't mean to say I am emotionless, but thoughtless. I cant play video games, I cant paint, I cant write. The only thing that pulls me out of it is interacting with other people.
Yet, that's where this breathlessness comes from. I have grown so dependent on others, not for my happiness, but just knowing they are there. Their existence brings me peace of mind. Yet, I feel a grandiose greed and while I am mindless, my emotions are unstable. I cant allow myself near social media for fear of obsessing or posting. I am taken with some pitiful rage at how how alone I am. Only for the misery to come in like the low tide. These two states of mind in a constant ebb and flow. Sometimes I can't breathe because I'm scared at how blank I am as a human being. | self.depression |
My boyfriend of almost 4 years left me. Hi everyone
This Saturday, the man who I thought would be with me forever left me. I understand the reasoning. I'm not mad at him. I'm just so broken. I can't fathom the idea that I will be able to find anyone better for me than him. He was, in almost every way, perfect for me. I have long been battling major depression and anxiety, and he always stood by me. He's always been so wonderful, and I can't believe he is gone. I love him so much.
Since the moment he left, I've been basically unable to eat, and I'm hardly able to sleep. I'm trying to avoid taking the ativan I'm prescribed because I don't want to get addicted to it, but damn does it feel so much better to not feel. I've been in conversation with my therapist, and she's been lovely, but it doesn't seem like anything will help me right now, other than him coming back to me or time.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so broken. I feel so small. | self.Anxiety |
I hate Christmas I hate Christmas. I really do. I hate the look of my parents being ashamed because they couldn’t afford to get me a gift. I hated that year my dad was drunk and was very clearly ashamed and emotional telling me he’s sorry my parents didn’t have money to get me all sorts of things like they want to. I hate that this holiday makes my parents feel like they aren’t good enough. They give me a roof over my head, they support me, and they give me food. They do the very best they can and they deserve to not feel bad. I hate them being sad. I wish they didn’t have to work continuously and always to make little money. I wish they didn’t feel bad about Christmas. I can’t wait for the day I can tell them they don’t have to work anymore. And I just wish they did know they’re the best parents I could ask for | self.offmychest |
Want to go I'm afraid. Nothing's getting better like I thought it would. If nothing helps I'll be gone by 2018. | self.SuicideWatch |
Constantly feeling overwhelmed Does anyone else have this problem? I constantly feel like I have too much on my plate and I get depressed whenever I try to work on something that I need to do. Even small tasks seem insurmountable. | self.bipolar |
I broke a promise After I graduated from university, I rescued a cat named Haru. He was grey and beautiful. The rescue centre warned me that rescue cats can be fearful and can take a while to warm to their new owners. As soon as I took him home he jumped onto my lap and fell asleep whilst purring. I promised him I would protect him.
Haru was always a little nervous around new people but after an hour or so of smelling them he would jump on their lap and fall asleep. He slept in my bed pressed against me. He would lounge on my lap watching tv. He would barge into the bathroom and watch me shower with much concern. Once I woke up feeling something warm in my hand and when I looked, he had caught a mouse and dropped it in my hand. He looked proud.
I was working nights at Mcdonalds and could barely pay rent. I made sure Haru was well cared for though, and he paid me back with company. I was struggling with money though, and eventually found a better job, but I would have to move abroad for a year. I decided to ask my mother to care for Haru while I was gone. She had a cat of her own and he got on well with Haru. He would also get to go outside for the first time. I felt bad for leaving him.
Two weeks before I was due to come home, my mother called me. Haru had been hit by a car and passed away. He was only a couple of years old. He was an excellent hunter but he wasn’t used to roads and traffic.
This was nearly two years ago and I still feel guilty. I feel like I broke a promise. He was the kindest, funniest cat I have ever met and I promised him I would protect him. Sometimes I can’t help but think how maybe he didn’t die right away and was scared and in pain and alone. I wish I could have spared him that. I have had relatives die but this is my greatest loss because I feel responsible for him. I miss him a lot.
My mother became unable to care for her cat, Mac, and now he lives with me. I never want to be in a situation where something similar happens to him. I sometimes have nightmares about him being hit by a car. I wish Mac and Haru could have lived their whole lives out together happily. This is my biggest regret so far. | self.offmychest |
I have trust and jealousy issues and I hate it. So a couple years ago I'm dating this girl. This was the first and only time where I truly felt like I was in love. We dated for around 2 years when it ended because she cheated on me. I was devastated and couldn't come into terms with it at first. I was heart broken and I cried.
Ever since then I've had trouble trusting others in my relationships. I dated another girl who had this close guy friend that she would always hang out with. I knew the guy was just a genuinely good dude but when they would hang out so much I'd get the irrational fear that she may be cheating as well. Although she never did. Our breakup was mutual as we just naturally drifted apart.
The issue is that I always get extremely jealous when my SO would spend so much time with someone else. After that first relationship I've always had trust issues. It's never gotten to the point where I prevented them from hanging out with them. Hell it's not even something I've told anyone. It's just this inner conflict that I struggle with. One side of me knows it's an irrational feeling and that I'm just being stupid. The other side knows how much pain I had been through and always expects the worst.
I've dealt with it enough that it doesn't control my life or effect my actions. It's just something I struggle with that usually would just bring my mood down. Well thanks for reading. Just needed to get that out of me. Any advice or just a different perspective on it would be appreciated. | self.offmychest |
Reading about other's misfortunes doesn't make me feel any better Also known as 'negative visualisation' thinking about how things could be much worse or how others have it worse doesn't help in the slightest.
I feel that even if I was to have a markedly improved situation I would feel the same, meaning even in my current state, I have it pretty good in my life but still struggle with these things.
Just a daily whine I suppose | self.depression |
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