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Relapsing There's too much going on in the world to worry about my depression.
But I'm relapsing and I feel it.
My thoughts of suicide are getting more and more vivid.
My anxiety has popped by too, in the forms of itchy hives.
I thought breaking up with my boyfriend would help relieve all the tension on my plate. But instead its pushed me further in, thinking I'm the reason for his depression and him running away.
I'm the reason for his pain.
I'm the reason he hasn't been able to get it together.
I'm shit.
| self.offmychest |
Can anyone suggest audiobooks to help family members understand the subjective experience of depression? I've tried *Noonday Demon*, but that is more of a wanly comic popular look. I'm particularly interested in any books that might capture the experience of brooding rumination, preferably non-fiction. | self.depression |
I ruin everything I feel like I ruin everything I touch. I've been doing so much better for the past few days and I'm back to my unhealthy coping habits. I don't think I'll ever get out of this rut. | self.depression |
What’s the point of living when we’ll always suffer with pain for the rest of our lives? I hate hearing the phrase “pain is temporary” because that also means that happiness is temporary.
Even after we experience a short amount of happiness and stop feeling pain, we’ll eventually have to go through suffering yet again.
The cycle of happiness and pain always comes and goes throughout our lives. And the pain that I’m feeling right now isn’t something I want to feel again (if I get out of it).
This is too much for me.
So what’s the point of living? I don’t care if pain makes me stronger because I’m still going to be in some sort of pain in the future regardless.
| self.SuicideWatch |
I wanted to write about how I feel multiple times, so maybe someone can help me. But I just end up always deleting it [deleted] | self.depression |
My brother is so nice to me He knows I'm depressed so he keeps bringing food to me because I'm to tired to get one myself
He also comes to my room time to time to see if I'm ok and that if I need anything
He is awesome... | self.depression |
I’m bulimic It’s killing me. It’s making me want to kill myself. I wish I could just float out of my body and discard it.
I have to go back to work on Monday after a two week nervous breakdown. I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to anyone, or how to explain that I don’t want to have a job anymore. I don’t want it and yet I have no choice because I need it to help pay for yet another goddamn therapist my family is making me see. I would be better off diving in front of the subway on the way there. Then maybe they would finally take me seriously. | self.offmychest |
Going downhill fast Stopped taking my meds properly because I never get hypomanic anyway
Started drinking again; want to feel different than I feel no matter what I feel
Just want each day to end--just sleep it all off
I just feel so...*bad*
My lifestyle is terrible but I feel powerless (energy-less) to change it
Where do I go from here? | self.bipolar |
I am suicidal because of school I am suicidal, because I feel like I can't do this anymore.
At school, I am not interested in any subjects at all, despite being smart. School is too boring and unbearable for me. I have no friends, because my interests never share with others. I am just a waste of space.
I sleep 5-6 hours at night, and 3 hours at day, from 4 to 7 PM. If I don't sleep during the day, I only get little sleep and walk like a dragging snail zombie. But my parents would sometimes require me to be up during the day. Sometimes, I have a tantrum because of this, and I am 15 year old boy. I am so emotionally unstable, I often think I could be transgender.
I am having a sleepless night right now, I feel like I want to get sick for 1-2 weeks just so I can put things back in place. But this most likely will not happen, and I don't know what to do.
I just want to drop out of school and kill myself :'( | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm an ass hole Look I know this belongs on r/incels or justneckbeardthings but you see I'm not angry at the world or women for not liking me I've built myself into a full blown ass hole I am always extremely angry and I feel like that was a gift from my abusive father and I'm always depressed and I honestly just want it to be over everyone thinks I'm a cunt already so what's the point of living and everyone that I remotely like I shut out because I know because I like them that they must be to good for me and when ever I open my mouth I feel like everyone wants me shut up I know this text is super edgy and run on but I feel like I just don't deserve to live I'm an ass hole with no skills and I'm incredibly stupid if that hasn't been made clear I think I'm unlovable and I deserve it | self.SuicideWatch |
Party collapse So last night I went to a party with some friends. Around 11pm I'm really drunk and end up talking to one of the people I knew less about my depression and end up crying in front of him. But instead of doing what everyone else does and awkwardly hugging and then saying "it's alright" or whatever, he promises (while sober) to help me focus at school and build my self confidence. It made me realise there are people out there who can help. I hope we all find someone like that. | self.depression |
Anyone else experience random muscle spasms taking Wellbutrin XL? I started taking it as an add-on to my escitalopram about a week and a half ago. This started yesterday morning. I keep getting random (not painful) muscle spasms/twitches, and my head feels weird in a way that's hard to describe.
I can't seem to find anything similar to this in the side-effects listed online, but I might be looking in the wrong places. | self.depression |
An ex coworker ask me if I was getting better. [deleted] | self.depression |
Constant pain from anxiety in upper left chest shoulder [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Any interesting hobbies? It’s been a while since my last major episode, so I’ve beeen trying to use this time to grow as person, develop some new skills, etc. I’ve picked up writing, creatively, and I’ve been keeping a journal. I’m in a band too. But what I was wondering is if anyone out there has picked up any interesting hobbies, and or activities that have helped them grow, and maybe even find some stability? I’m scarred of doing too much so I don’t get triggered, but at the same time I find if I become inactive I lose my shit. So any suggestions? | self.bipolar |
Great... Don't even get to have dinner tonight, it's my own stupid fault so who cares... God I'm fucking worthless | self.depression |
Depression hitting me like a truck today I was on the way home from school and a lot of my peers noticed I wasn't as active as I usually am in class, and it kind of got to me that there's so many people around me who care about me even though we've only sat near each other for a quarter but I feel so empty. I'm driving to walmart to go to the vision center for some glasses and as i'm getting there I feel a really heavy weight on my chest and I just broke down while getting here. I parked and here I am sitting in the walmart parking lot breaking down, feeling so worthless, lost, lonely, and wondering to myself I really didn't ask to be alive, but why am i here?
One of my biggest fears is death but for some reason, it's so comforting to know that I can end this all tomorrow, today, anytime I really need to.
I keep thinking to myself, "I have depression" and everytime I say the word depression in my head, I break down because I feel like I'm apart of a messed up batch. I feel like I was a mistake.
Throughout my life, i've been told that depression is a disease and if you have it, you're messed up by my parents. There are days where I wonder if I should go get tested and hopefully get medication or any answers, but I don't want to get attacked more by my parents as is. I'm an adult now and of course I can go without my parents but I just feel so guilty.
I'm stuck and I don't really know if anyone else around me understands. | self.depression |
Life just sucks... Any advice? I'm just not sure what to do anymore. And people do say my life's not that bad, so apologies if I'm overreacting with my little sob story. And yes, this will be long. Again, sorry.
I suppose I would start from the beginning... if I was sure when my depression started. I can remember it getting hard when I was about 12. I never had any real friends. I got support from this school therapist that I went this see once a week. She even let me see her after I finished that school, staying after hours to talk to me. And this was all free. I knew her before I even was her patient, so that helped. Unfortunately, we moved, and the closest thing I had to a friend, a woman 25 years older than me I think (kinda pathetic, I know), was gone from my life.
So, around this time is when I stopped being a student with perfect grades. I got my first failing grade, and over time, it become so common to the point I finished school with 8 failed classes over those four years between 14-18. I hated school. Still no real friendships, I felt. One in particular hit me hard - when this girl I thought was my friend for three years (and I felt romantic attraction to her as well)... Told me she was just my friend to be nice. Basically, it was out of pity. Which hurt. Hard. One positive thing is it made me see my relationships differently. I did realize not a lot of people really cared and I was a last choice to hang out with.
Because of this, it was more alone time for me. I spent my free time during school in classes or walking around aimlessly. One of my closest friends was this exchange student, Miyuki. I got excited just because she remembered who I was when she returned a year after I met her. That felt good. But all in all, I had no one. It makes life a lot more difficult to go through.
Now, I just sit at home... Doing nothing. I barely eat, 1-2 times a day. My parents often get angry at me no matter what I do. I'm the only of their 4 children who has gotten a kick out threat (and multiple times, I might add). They've called me worthless and ungrateful, which kinda sucks. I'll occasionally play video games or listen to music, but I've lost a lot of interest. But I get depressed seeing people I knew in school just having fun together, and even getting married and having kids... And I'm still a shut-in who has no one.
So I have to ask. What do I do? I have no hope for my future. I'm from an impoverished, welfare dependent family, I'm unattractive. And yes, I can say this, given my failures at romance and I'm only 5'7'' and a bit girly looking. I'm unskilled and untalented. So no family, no good job. I really wanted to be a detective. To help people. Others I wanted like actor would've been unrealistic (and I was made fun of for my interest in the performing arts). But really, I'm too depressed to deal with detective work. I see myself going to an empty apartment for the next 30 years, drowning my sorrows with whatever alcohol I could afford, with some job I hate and no one to care. All my hope is lost. Is there anything I can to gain hope and motivation again? Because I have no ideas. I just feel so empty and meaningless. | self.depression |
I'm really starting to dread the holidays every year My grandmother has hosted Thanksgiving at her house for decades. She's now 97, and lacks the mobility, eyesight, dexterity, and short-term memory to cook the meal herself. So, for the third year in a row, I've been tasked to prepare the meal. My brother did it one year before me, and my aunt for several years before him. Both of them now refuse.
I love cooking, and would have no problem at all with this, but she will not cede any control over it to me. While everyone else in the family is sitting in the living room, drinking and having a good time, she sits in the kitchen with me, questioning and criticizing every tiny thing I do.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT BOWL'S TOO SMALL?
WHY ARE YOU USING THAT KNIFE?
I USED TO PUT A LITTLE MARJORAM AND THYME IN IT -- OF COURSE MY COOKING HAD FLAVOR.
WHAT ARE THOSE YELLOW THINGS?
YOU CUT THE ONIONS TOO BIG!
YOU GOT THE WRONG KIND OF GREEN BEANS!
I ALWAYS MADE MY PIES THE SAME DAY, AND HAD PLENTY OF TIME LEFT OVER!
THIS HAM IS CHEAP AND STRINGY!
WALNUTS!? **IN MY STUFFING?**
Hours and hours of that. and it's only a week away. Then I have to go through it again on Christmas. Tomorrow I have to take her on the first of two excruciating supermarket trips.
I love my grandmother dearly, and hope she makes it to 150, but she turns into an entirely different person in the kitchen. It ruins the whole day for me. All I want to do is prepare a meal by myself, with no back-seat chef, and celebrate the holiday with my family peacefully. Instead, I have to spend the day being an abused Victorian kitchen maid.
I'm thinking maybe I should break both my thumbs and make a reservations at a restaurant. | self.offmychest |
Melatonin & Risperidone Anyone have trouble with these? I've been taking 10 mg melatonin for about a year and 2 mg Risperidone for about 4 months. I used to do shift work before Doc put in a note with my work. I've needed melatonin to get good sleep but with the two together I wake up groggy. Any advice? | self.bipolar |
Does anyone have tips on where to cry so people don't hear you? I hate having people hear me break down. I try to cry quietly. Try to muffle my mouth with a hand or pillow, but I can't seem to not be too loud still. I worry that neighbors will hear me or the person in the next room. I've tried crying in the shower, and people still heard me.
Honestly, how to I shut the hell up and suffer silently? Or if that's not advice you can give - how can I muffle these sobs? I can't seem to stop. | self.depression |
i'm fucking exhaustes I'm fucking exhausted of wearing the mask of happy person when my life is a fucking road filled with fails and i'm myself a fucking fail. I have nobody to talk to because my only friend is moving to England soon, i've never had a girlfriend and my miserable life is starting to get controlled by a beast which makes my everyday end in tears. My grades dropped heavily, i have no hobbies or point to live. I wish i didn't live so i could stop disappointing myself and my parents.
I'm staying in bed the whole tomorrow focusing on the pain - the only real that's real
I wish people had some more empathy for those who aren't as lucky as them in life too... | self.depression |
Depression and chronic pain There have been several links from various studies throughout the years about the comorbidty of chronic pain and depression.
I wanted to know if anyone here suffers from 'chronic pain' and if so what do you think it is caused from? And do you think it is linked to your mental health?
I am asking because I am lying in bed in both emotional and physical hell. My whole body aches and I just wish all the pain would stop. | self.bipolar |
scared of this year I realised I was depressed when I was 13.
Over 2 and a half years ago. My sister went through a lot of shit, In and out of mental wards, and at this time, my mums boyfriend was a dad figure to me. They split it and it triggered me.
Same with my weight. Spiralled down a deep depression, missed 4 months of school. Last year went first 3 weeks then called it quits. That was about the first time I actually tried killing myself. Police came and everything. At that point I needed help. It did make me happy wanting to do it I guess, in a selfish way it would stop my pain but it would put that all on my family. I got help , it sorta helped I guess. Stopped school from Feb 2017 till now. Got enrolled back to school this year.
Absolutely scared out of my mind now.
I am able to do normal things like go outside. I go to the gym now. Nearly lost 13kg. Hopefully lose another 13kg before I turn 16 in may. I have my personally trainer he is great. I have everything to make me happy but I am still not.
Now I feel like the old me, not wanting to do anything when school starts, I’m scared of being around people I hate it, which is weird. I am fine at the gym , I think because I adapted to it and I go with my sister and PT, but at school I am all alone and that scares me. I can’t rely on people but man, it scares the shit out of me. I already have anxiety attacks At the gym idk how bad it’s gonna be at school. I have been at this school since prep, I know everyone, have a good relationship with everyone I just don’t know what it is. I stopped taking medication a couple months ago. It made me feel like a zombie but now I feel like I need to. I just want to be able to go and feel safe, everything is scary to me but man, I’m only 15 and I have to remember people have it worse than me.
I’m worried I’m gonna miss another whole year of my life locked up in my own box, not wanting to talk to anyone. I don’t think it helps aswell that my dad which I haven’t seen for 11 years was here in my city 2 weeks ago but I refused to see him. I think it’s best for me to forgot the past but it’s hard to. Anyway sorry for rambling on just needed somewhere to vent since I don’t have friends to talk to.
Also sorry if my punctuation is bad, really forgot how to write since missing a year. | self.depression |
I don't think I'm gonna make it Everyday the main emotion I feel is despair. I'm spending this Christmas eve at my mothers house who emotionally abused and manipulated me and my sister, while claiming the mantle of perfect mother. That is after she left my dad for the neighbour. I have terrible social anxiety, terrible focusing problems effecting my schoolwork, and I've been depressed to one degree or another for as long as I can remeber. Their is no light at the end of this tunnel. The past is awful. The present is awful, the future will be awful. If it won't be tonight, it will be next week. If not next week, next month. I've held that razor to my wrist several times before and didn't do it. I'm not sure how many I have left, and I hope the next one is it. | self.SuicideWatch |
Cannot go into psych unit I've been numerous times and need to go back. Every time I go now, I just sit in my car for a few minutes and go back home. I'm too panicked to go in. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm too paranoid. I can't keep living like this. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. | self.depression |
Depression rant The title might not be very descriptive of my problem, but I am in this constant state of wanting to do something to hide my time and distract myself, but when I do so I quickly lose interest/ motivation (for lack of better words). But I am still restless. But I guess this is one of my relatively ok times. Most of the time it's hard to keep myself together in public. I can't do anything I used to enjoy or like anymore. Feel like life is not worth living. Cant talk to anybody about this either. People around me insulting me all the time and it makes it worse. Want to die so badly. | self.depression |
My reason to live left me. I don't want to go on, I don't know if I can. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
No real deep thoughts anymore, just feel a lot of pain all the time. I'm trying not to kill myself, I'm trying to stay here. I'm really, really trying and it's really, really fucking hard. I'm in pain all the time again and I can't sleep without nightmares, I don't have a home to go to or a family, the family I was lucky enough to meet is dead. No solutions, no smiles, I just want to die. No other place to share it but here. | self.depression |
Finding a doctor who won't hospitalize? I have had profoundly, life-alteringly negative experiences with both inpatient and outpatient hospitalization. Multiple clinicians have told me that I have PTSD from these experiences but none have offered ways to help me move past them. This has become an obstacle to my ongoing treatment, as I now absolutely refuse to go the hospital under any circumstances. I have recently been dumped by three psychologists and two psychiatrists over my refusal to even consider the possibility of hospitalization. This is happening despite the fact that I am currently stable and that they all agree I am not any danger to myself.
Does anyone else share a similar terrifying fear of hospitals? Have you been able to find a treatment provider who is willing to work with you? What ldo you tell them and how did you convince them to consider alternative interventions for crisis situations? I have been advised by several of the clinicians who refused to treat me that I am going to need to lie about my intentions in order to get treatment, but that really does not sit well with me. | self.bipolar |
I’m just tired I’m just so tired of never having energy...I’m so tired of lashing out in anger over the smallest things and then hating myself for it...I’m so tired of not remembering anything that’s going on in my life...I’m tired of feeling like nothing is even real and everything is fake....I’m tired of that switch in your head that randomly turns on once in a blue moon and you remember who you are and then as soon as you remember your back to the hole of darkness where you look in the Mirror and you don’t even recognize your self...you hate living, you hate trying to live and have hobbies because there pointless, you hate the never ending feeling that your life is a waste and you have got no where in your life where you wanted to be.... just so tired.... | self.depression |
Just why I think i made new friends today but I cant stop feeling just so sad about it. I cant stop remembering my best friend who just understood me and then she stopped talking to me eight months and I never learned why. I know she's ok because she still makes posts on instagram and her life is great. I cant even be mad at her because i dont know why but i miss her so much and gaining new friends opened that wound.
Why am i like this. why cant i just appreciate the good | self.depression |
Fear of being disturbed by others? I have a lot of problems, but I think fixing this one would go a long way.
I really enjoy alone time - just listening to music, or sitting in the forest, etc. But I often have a nagging fear that someone is going to start talking to me... or I feel like, I have to be ready to respond to people.
If I'm listening to music, I'm always waiting for the time that my girlfriend will need something. I can fight this one by telling her I need to be alone for X time, and I'll come out when I'm ready.
In the forest, I always think someone is going to walk up to me. Even if I find a place that is well isolated, it's like I always have to be prepared for someone saying hello or asking me why I'm here or... something. I can't be comfortable as long as I know I might have to interact with someone, or even if someone might walk near me.
Anyone else experience this? What are some coping skills or strategies you use?
My strategies include:
- Communicating with people to ask them not to disturb me
- Wear big headphones (but this one can make me feel unsafe like I can't hear someone coming up)
But it seems this is fighting away the symptom not the problem. | self.Anxiety |
I’m just sorting of existing I feel like a kite blowing around in the wind. I’m not really doing anything with my life, just getting pushed this way and that. I know I should be taking charge of my life instead of just reacting to one crisis after another, but I don’t know how | self.depression |
Today I realized Today I realized just how much you broke me. I realized that you’re the reason that I can’t look at myself in the mirror without disgust. You’re the reason I can no longer be content with myself.
I found the girl of my dreams, and she loves me just as much as I love her. Maybe even more.
But yet still I struggle with the cuts you left on my heart. The depression, the emptiness. I wake up angry and sad. I never felt this way before you hurt me. I never felt insecure. I never had these feelings of inadequacy. I never struggled with feeling loved and worthy.
I don’t know why you did what you did, but one day I hope you learn just how much you broke me. One day I hope these scars make me a better person, more capable of love, and less of a burden on those who I care for. | self.offmychest |
New to BP I have been diagnosed with bipolar then another doctor said it was PTSD. I never saw my mania, I am so sad right now I have hurt myself and many people, I feel so alone. I am only on Wellbutrin and I am wondering if anyone has been successfull with supplements in helping stay even keeled? | self.bipolar |
How can I get back to my pre-Abilify weight? [deleted] | self.bipolar |
I went to the doctor to find out what is wrong with my back but went home feeling like I'm a huge burden to my husband. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
cut ties with my entire family after my mom died For anyone out there who will read this, heres the back story of the events that led to my decision.
Like most families, mine is also imperfect. from family secrets, lies, drug abuse, mental instability and obnoxious arguments, grudges and fights. I have never been a big fan of these facts but who is? I needed to be away from it so much that I ended up joining the military at age 19. Life was great! I was seeing the world, learning something new all the time and challenging myself through situations id never even given a thought about before the military.
fast forward five years and my entire life came to a screeching down spiral of bad news like watching a graphic, fatal car crash up close in slow motion. I was involved in a motorcycle accident the day I got the call that my mom passed away which was not only unexpected but also during the peak of an abusive relationship I was in.
needless to say, I wasn't in the best mental capacity at the time and in no way ready to go home and face the reality of losing my mom. I went anyway and this was the first time being home maybe 3 years so I was also torn knowing that the next time I got to go home was to say goodbye to the person dearest to me. anyway, I fly home and the moment I get to the house, my life changed forever. looking around, everything was the same. my mom had spent years turning that house into a home, the interior design, the indoor plants she cared for and even her shoes. all still where she left them as if she was still alive. the entire time I was there, I wanted so badly to see her walk from her room to the balcony of the second floor and greet me so that I could hop upstairs and give her the hug id been needing from my mom for so long and it just wouldn't happen. It felt like she was off running errands, not like she was dead and that sort of helped.
(I understand that everybody grieves in their own way which is why I need you guys to understand what I'm about to share.)
NOT 5 MINUTES IN THE HOUSE AND MY SISTER AND AUNT ARE ARGUING!! Same crap, different day. life in the house had seemingly been unchanged. gossip, manipulation, arguments all over the place. my family is huge so not just here and there but at any given moment, there could be 17 people in the house or upwards to forty. so, its loud and crowded. I'm trying to channel thoughts I'm having. I have to keep explaining that I haven't changed and how no one should expect me to be away from home for 5 years and come back the same exact person I was at 19. I guess it was more overwhelming than anything so I got a hotel room to be able to unwind and the end of the days I spent around family and it was refreshing to be alone.
the day before the funeral, one of my sisters sort of explained to me that at least 2 life insurances had been put in place for my mom in the leading up to her death. not an expert on that sort of stuff but why 2? also, why didn't my dad have life insurance? my dad had fought cancer, lost a kidney, had been in ICU unresponsive three months before that but he doesn't have life insurance. idk maybe he didn't qualify? so, indifferent about the whole thing I kind of blow it off and end up finding out later that day, an aunt on my dads side had been on trial for attempted murder or something and was going to be going to prison for a long time. the charge was downgraded to unlawful possession of a firearm and bail was set to a dollar amount just shy of the sum of my moms life insuranceS. my sister revisited the topic with me days later, playing voicemails that my mom had left her weeks before she died where it seemed like an accidental call or she called and my sister didn't pick up but my mom had forgot to hang up. several of them of my dad saying pretty nasty things about my sister and other people. I could hear my mom trying to change the subject and my dad finding his way back to the gossip. this made me go back to the voicemails on my phone from my mom. very strange. theres one where my mom called me very late at night, even I was asleep. she left a vmail saying she was sorry if it wasn't the right time but my dad seemed to think it was and apologizing again for (what? idk) it not being the right time. theres just so many things that play a part in unanswered questions and no one wanting to tell me much of anything that it started getting me in trouble at work once I got back. I was drinking a lot, I felt like I had to play detective all the time, I was failing to report on time everyday and at the same time, I was getting text messages from someone in my family about some gossip, phone calls in the middle of the night from them most of the time yelling and crying because of an argument they were having. it got to the point where I asked my family to give me some space. it was the drama or my career and I still hadn't even begun to grieve.
weeks later and I realized I was blocking phone numbers belonging to certain members of the family because they didn't care that I needed some space. and every time, it was the same madness. so, then they took to facebook. one aunt posted to facebook, tagging me in it saying that they needed to hear from me and make sure I am ok and its not ok to ignore them and disappear. other family members decided they would chime in through commenting. shaming me in an attempt to push me to reply I guess. I couldn't believe it. like I never felt so harassed and by my own family at that. not to mention, throughout my time visiting, no one asked how I was. if I confided in anyone, they found ways to point the direction of the conversation on themselves or gossip. I had enough by then and decided I would explain it again, through facebook that I needed some time to get my stuff together and recover. I blocked anyone with any blood or legal relation to that day.
not a week later, my husbands phone starts blowing up with calls and texts. we were still struggling to reconcile our differences so he didn't take the inconvenience too great either. I told him to block them. my aunt got her hands on my mother in laws number and she got worried and started pressuring my husband to "get" me to talk to them. by this time I was so drained. I was behind on bills, I was forgetting to shower, id locked my keys in my car several times in a week. I was falling apart and was thinking about just ending my own life. my commander had me as a high risk soldier and I was forced to see a therapist. it was made clear to me that I need not lose focus on the "mission" basically telling me to pull it together or be put out. so, I pulled it together the only way I knew how. dang near changed my identity with social media, change my number, blocked numbers just in case they got it and got stationed somewhere completely different. made amends with my husband and we both have an understanding that if he is updated by his mom about my family (because I don't even have contact with his family) I don't want to know. I have these nightmares about my mom and her death, not as often but they still put me off for days. but I think I am overall doing better now. I don't think I will have contact with my family for a long time for as long as id like to stay sane. feels good to get off my chest. | self.offmychest |
I want to kill myself so badly but I need more courage [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
ECT Hi. My name is Louise. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder depressive type- with a history of self harm since 2008. I was diagnosed in 2012 at 16 years old. Ive been on about 12-16 different types of medication- most recently Seroquel XR and Topomax. This past October i had a really bad psychotic episode and was hospitalized inpatient for about a week. My doctor recommended I do ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) treatments. I’ve had about 6 treatments and ive not noticed any difference in Mood or hallucinations. I was wondering if anyone has any experience with ECT or any advice/knowledge about this? When should I see improvement or when should I look for an alternative? | self.depression |
I'm worthless, ungrateful, and lonely. I could blame it on a crappy upbringing or just being too wrapped up in my own anxieties to succeed in connecting to people. It doesn't really matter. I've been painfully lonely for most of my life and can't seem to get the hang of making platonic friends.
I'm completely directionless. I changed my major several times as an undergrad and only stuck it out because I didn't know what else to do with myself. Got involved in some research and enjoyed it at the time, which led me to where I am now.
I started graduate school this August and I'm lucky enough to have a research assistantship with a good stipend and tuition waiver. I don't feel like I deserve this opportunity at all. I wasn't very knowledgeable about my area of study to begin with and only got into this situation because a professor I worked with gave me a great recommendation that I really don't feel like I earned.
I have no idea what I'm going to do for my thesis project. I ask stupid questions constantly and have nothing insightful to say to anyone. I never remember anything I read. I'm starting to realize that academic life won't be a good fit for me, but I'd be letting down a lot of people if I just left, including my adviser who's been nothing but kind to me so far.
So many people would love to be in my position, but I'm in hell.
I don't feel like I'm capable of adding value to anyone's lives. Whenever I'm in any position of responsibility, I'm constantly terrified I'm going to screw something up and when I inevitably do, it's unbearable. If I did quit this program, I have no idea what the hell I'd do afterwards.
The only thing that's keeping me from killing myself is the fact that my (much older) siblings would be extremely sad. Even though we disagree constantly and I don't even know why they like me sometimes. But I'm seriously considering just going to see them for the holidays to say goodbye, then coming back here to off myself so maybe a stranger will find me instead and it won't be so traumatic for them. | self.SuicideWatch |
What's the easiest way to do it? I don't want any more pain. I just want it to stop in the easiest way possible | self.SuicideWatch |
Off lithium: day 2. It worked! I feel good. I've been off for 2 days and I got a fucking job! I've also been able to cook, clean and socialize normally. I'm a little higher than I'd like to be right now so I'm going to go home and take some lithium (but not a full dose), eat something and chill. All I really needed was the energy boost to get a job, so I may discontinue the experiement now. I'm not suicidal at all. It's actually been a really good day. Mild anxiety, but I'll take that over suicidal depression any day. My intrusive thoughts have gone from "you're worthless and you deserve to die" to "you're brilliant and you can do anything you put your mind to". I'm on the edge of grandosity, but once again I'll take that over self loathing. Life is good right now. I'm gonna go home and cook something. I really do feel like this was a good idea. Today I was able to get out of bed, cook, clean, shower, get a job, ride the bus, and socialize. These are all things I could NOT have done 2 days ago. | self.bipolar |
She's passed. My best friend recently killed herself. I just need to take it in that she doesn't exist anymore, I need to move on just like everyone else, but with my depression and all it might just drive me insane or into a suicidal path.
Eric 00:47 17 Dec
Also thanks to u/PukaBeing for that comment on the last post | self.depression |
Okay, I need help. Hello, r/depression. I feel as though this letter is long overdue. I hope somebody can help me. I’m writing to you now not from a place of depression, per se, so much as from a place of profound, psychospiritual anguish. I need help, to put it bluntly. Man, it feels good to say that. It’s a long read; I hope that’s okay. But I didn’t want to leave anything out in case anybody can relate, share tips, whatever. Phew, okay, here we go.
I’m on my fifth day of a second course of antibiotics for a bronchial infection I’ve been battling for a month; my room is currently a wasteland of “I’m sick” staples - an unmade bed, the glow of a muted TV, lots of empty water glasses - and a few “I’m unwell” staples - dirty clothes, shuttered blinds; stale air.
I just got back from a trip to the Pacific that was supposed to be restorative - a few months of martial arts training, self-work, and balls-out, blitzkrieg writing sessions - but proved, thus far, destructive. I burned through ¾ of my savings, didn’t get a lick of writing done, indulged in booze and other mind-alterers to excess, hooked up with women that I had no plans, or even possibilities, really, of seeing for more than a few days. One of ‘em gave me bronchitis and cut my trip short by a month and a half, which brings us to the present -- I’m 30, sitting in an apartment that is largely offset by subletters paying more than their share, unemployed, and severely distressed.
I’ve just read a (deeply alarming) article, Jamison Bachman, the Worst Roommate Ever. If you haven’t read it (do so at your peril, it’s profoundly disturbing), I’ll paraphrase: a man, in his 60s, is glib and charming, shows up at people’s homes, and uses tenants rights and a law background to avoid paying rent and, ultimately, abuse them out of their living spaces.
But throughout the grimace-inducing piece, I couldn’t help but notice - in addition to the sociopathic, vile behavior - an immense, permeating sense of entitlement characterizing the “roommate,” Jamison, that is not unlike my own.
Taking a step back, it was hard not to notice a bunch of similarities, down the line. He was, apparently, lavished in praise by his parents, but “failed to launch,” after some traumas. Rather than list out a serial squatter/murder-suicide perpetrator's flaws and liken them to my own (because that’d be too much even for me), let me just transition to my own shit.
Slightly less than a year ago, I changed my name to get away from my toxic family. It was just before my 30th birthday, which was to mark a sea change in my life thus far. My dad, who had been my idol for the first 14 years or so of my life, had been a serial abuser (calling me a piece of shit, a cunt, a pussy, a “fake tough guy;” even “the albatross of his life” and saying he despised me). My mom wasn’t in the picture; she couldn’t take his shit, so when I was 15, she left, and, largely, didn’t look back, despite knowing full well what kind of shit her sons were enduring. My brother is a heroin addict and, after my second attempt at taking him in and getting him clean, flipped out on me and told me I was a piece of shit and I should blow my head off for molesting him [When we were children, we engaged in what I’m told is fairly developmentally-normal “sex play,” along with some other neighborhood kids. He is 2 years and 4 months younger than me. Despite not really knowing how I was supposed to have known better, I have apologized profusely over the last 17 years; I’m now 30 and he’s 28]. Long story short, I had had enough and wanted a clean break.
So I bade them farewell, changed my name, and set about the task of piecing the broken wreckage of my life into something meaningful and free of the dysfunction that had characterized it for so long.
Then I met my estranged 6-month-old son (whose mother told me she was getting an abortion), fell into a relationship with a porn actress with BPD, and derailed that motherfucker all over again.
So what is my problem? Where do I even start?
Let me preface this by saying I’ve been given tremendous gifts that should’ve been marching me towards glory all these years -- I’m tall, charismatic, intelligent, and some would say good-looking (although my own opinion vacillates from “knockout” to “deformed”), but I’m also vain, arrogant, profoundly insecure, lazy, and incredibly down on myself. Seriously, you’d have to be working hard to beat me on the self-loathing front.
Thanks to my Dad jumping back and forth between “the road will rise up to meet you, golden boy,” and “you’re a piece of shit who drove this family to ruin,” I have no sense of community, an incredibly deformed sense of how one achieves success, entitlement issues, self-worth issues. I sabotage virtually every job and relationship I enter into, often for the same reason -- I’m afraid they’re gonna “realize” what a piece of shit I am and ditch me, so I may as well burn it down on my terms. I'm also still attempting to shake off a very deeply-rooted sense that somehow, someone is just going to "notice" my talents; that I don't actually have to put the work in.
Without sounding arrogant, I think a lot of people would be quick to jump to the conclusion that I was the most naturally-gifted person in a given room most times, so it made it really fucking hard to admit that I really hadn’t accomplished anything of note over the years. I still haven’t, so living with the largesse of years past has become increasingly a matter of illusion and posturing spread far too thin over a deep-seated insecurity and craftiness (I have a sweet rent-controlled apartment in a desirable neighborhood, so roommates will often pay almost the entirety of the rent for the second bedroom). I have, since around 2014, been too ashamed to get a “day job,” and strung along a living doing vague internet stuff and telecommuting jobs, all while telling people I was writing and going on auditions (I wasn’t). My fear was that I’d be admitting to living a small life; that working at Trader Joe’s (or whatever) would be a failure of some kind. In so doing, my life became smaller and smaller, and pretty soon I was just a broke-ass pretending to be making something happen.
Now, I’m 30, haven’t accomplished shit, and haven’t even honestly worked at shit. That last point is the scariest one - while it’s totally forgivable for an actor/writer to not have “made it” by thirty, typically they’ve spent the last ten years at least trying. Which my subconscious, terrified both of success AND of failure, utilizes as ammunition to paint success as a foregone conclusion -- i.e., “you didn’t start 10 years ago, so now you’re fucked.” Admittedly, I have had some tremendous life experiences in that time upon which to draw as both a writer and actor. But I haven’t drawn on it -- at all.
I torture myself endlessly by reading the wikipedia articles and headlines of entertainers I admire and comparing myself unfavorably to them. I’m running out of my savings (I’d say my burndown rate is another 2-3 months of living light), have no immediate plans for employment, and I’m sick as a dog. I don’t have the money for regular therapy sessions. I don’t have a support network to speak of, and I’m at the age where it’s really not cute anymore. I’m shit-scared, down on myself, and I need some pointers on what the hell to do.
Just to give myself a bit of a break, what feels like my entire life has been putting out fires or dealing with curveballs of varying degrees of shittiness. We changed cities and schools the way other people change their underwear. When I was 13, we moved to Europe, where we changed schools twice, then moved back to the States for my last year of high school. During that time, my parents had a messy separation. When I was 19, some "friends" of mine swindled a short film I'd written, developed, and was supposed to direct out from under me. When I was 20, my Dad had me arrested for assault (I had punched him when I found out that he'd stolen $3,000 of my $5,000 savings to buy drugs that he was having my brother sell), and I had to move in with my family's former maid in a different part of the state. I spent years coming back from that. I went into AA, and a girl I met there ended up having my kid despite our relationship only lasting about 3 weeks and telling me she'd get an abortion.
There’s a lot more to this story, but I just realized it’s already clocking in at damn-near 3 pages. So I’ll sign off. If anybody has any resources - websites, books, services, non-profits, whatever - that I can utilize to turn this ship around and right the course, or even if you’re going through or went through some similar shit, I’d be greatly appreciative if you let me know.
Thanks. | self.depression |
More med changes I was just switched to latuda for severe depression in addition to lamictal. Is anyone else on this combination? I'm really worried about the side effects, but the depression has been immune to SSRIs and Topamax so far and is only getting worse. I still need to wean off the Topamax before I can start it and have been warned about the Parkinson shaking being permanent if it starts, but is it worth the risk? My doc is very optimistic about it helping, but I'm suspicious because it's such a new drug. Any advice would be much appreciated! | self.bipolar |
I got reported because my supervisor thought I was going to go postal... So I've been going through a bit of a hypo period here, but I didn't think it was quite so bad. Yeah, I talk fast, I'm pretty damn productive, and say stupid stuff off the top of my head, but for real, is it that bad that someone thinks I'm going off the rails?
Apparently.
I went to work today, figured everything was fine, but about halfway through my shift, my boss's boss showed up for some routine stuff, but then took me aside to talk to me about how I was, if I was ok and whatnot, but basically trying to size me up and figure out if I was dangerous.
Now this isn't entirely out of the blue, I have the whole "Ezekiel 25:17" bit from Pulp fiction memorized, and have been saying it a bit during the last week. But I have done that literally hundreds of times before in varying circumstances in front of everyone I work with. It comes and goes, but when people feed my ego for having it memorized so well, of course I'm gonna do it again...
But here I am, already questioning my perception of how I'm acting, and someone who I thought knew, and likewise thought knew me goes off and does this. My supervisor has worked with me for nearly 3 years, knows my diagnosis, and has been around me during my worst times. Why all of a sudden she reports me like this, going behind my back and above my head instead of just asking me if I'm alright just baffles me.
And now I'm stuck here questioning everything I do, "is that normal? Is that alright to say? Alright to do?" and wondering why someone who I thought was so close couldn't just talk to me. I know it's her too. She's the only one that knows enough and would take any of this this specific way.
I guess what I'm getting at is I am already self conscious about all this stuff and then this shit happens. I just don't know what to do. I have all the energy in the world to sit here and obsess over it all night long, but I doubt that will get me anywhere.
Thanks for reading my venting anyway I guess.. | self.bipolar |
I had my first panic attack today. Hello Everybody, long time lurker here.
So it happened today, my first panic attack. It was quite impressive, and I'm still not sure if I am fine. To sum things up, I had an interview today for an english teaching position in high school. The thing that you have to know is that I have 0 experience in this, and just have a bachelor's degree in English (That i barely remember). Somehow, I got hired and they told me that I had to start tomorrow. They explained nothing : Just showed me the classroom I will teach in. Nobody told me what Book to use, I can't even contact the english teacher that I am replacing. And now I have 18 hours to teach in a week ? Nerve wracking to say the least. So While trying and failing to prepare my class, I had a panic attck. Trouble breathing, I cried, then I started laughing hysterically.. I don't even know if it was a panick attack, but it felt real.
I have always struggled with anxiety, but today is the most stressed out state i have ever achieved. I am also continuously anxious about stupid stuff like talking to strangers, talking to a cashier, or sending e-mails and calling. But I never tried to find medecine because my friends and family don't take it seriously. (I am pretty good at faking).
So yeah, I guess I just wanted to talk. I wish I never answered that phone, and I really don't wanna go tomorrow. But i'm gonna try. I need to.
I hope I didn't break any rules or blabla. Thank you :) | self.Anxiety |
Has anyone here taken St. John’s wort? Is it effective? I am 16 years old (6’3”, 220lbs) and I’ve had mild-moderate depression and anxiety for awhile now. My symptoms of these are:
Unwanted thoughts
Restlessness
Irritability
Poor concentration
Excessive worry
Fear
Social isolation
Stress
Weight gain / excessive hunger
Agitation
Slowness in activity
I’m not listing these issues because I want a self-diagnosis (my therapist and physician diagnosed me), but I’m listing them because I want to know how St. John’s wort has impacted those with the same symptoms. Some causes of my depression are social isolation, body dysmorphia, and issues concerning sexuality.
Is St. John’s wort effective in treating anxiety and depression? I’ve read somewhere that it can actually worsen anxiety, but I’m not sure.
I don’t have any known allergic reactions—the only other preexisting conditions I have are constipation and being overweight. I do not take any other medications, besides Miralax sparingly.
One last thing; I will check in with my therapist before taking anything, I’m just doing my research.
Thanks in advance! | self.depression |
Light at the end of the tunnel I don’t care if the light is the way out or a train coming to run me over. I just don’t want to be depressed anymore | self.depression |
My husband is going to leave me and I cant blame him When he does I'll have nothing and no one left in my life. He already has someone else he loves. And yet I feel as though it's all my fault for not being the best spouse to him. | self.offmychest |
Anafranil Side Effects I take Lithium and Anafranil to treat my bipolar and OCD symptoms. I’ve only been taking the Anafranil for a couple of months (the lithium far longer). I’ve noticed that I have a REALLY difficult time reaching orgasm (during sex or alone). Anybody else experience this problem? I do like the medication. The racing thoughts and obsessions have certainly been reduced. | self.bipolar |
Why is there so much pressure to be happy Why can't I be miserable? If my situation is shitty why am I obligated to put on a face in public like everything is alright. I get everyone has problems, but why is it that if your depressed you're treated as a "problem" or "mentally ill" rather than a logical response to your situation? I feel like accepting that I was miserable was the first step towards any change, I think depression is your head telling you that everything is not alright, so why the fuck do I have to act like it is, honestly fuck that. | self.depression |
Anxiety before moving house and starting a new job. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
My Worst manic episode (Starting meds tomorrow!!) What's yours? So excited to start my meds. For some ungodly reason, or maybe a very godly reason, its taken 7 months to finally get this appointment.
Which has made me very keen on staying with it this time, as i've been having mixed episodes. And omg they are horrible.
tl;tr Become a stripper, make bad choices
Anyways the good stuff.
I can't believe all the crazy shit i've done.
My worst episode started 1.5 yrs ago after a bad breakup and simultaneously moving to a new city and having everything go wrong.
Couldn't save money well for shit, and had to move with about $800 to one of the most expensive cities.
Got kicked out of my first place after 1 day for breaking every rule. It was one of those green living houses. No meat, no drugs, no smoking, no excessive partying. I thought i could live greenly and that it would be good for me so i quit smoking one day before moving in. 2 days before that i went out in style. Think limo cocaine and liqour.
Got to the new city and went out with 2 housemates the same night and broke every. single. rule.
Smoking cigarettes, doing Drugs, and a lot of drinking. Oh and meat, I broke that rule too. Had a boiled egg in my bag the moment i walked in the door.
I was slightly ashamed, but not as much as i should have been. Should have noticed i was manic, but nope.
Had to house jump for the next month and a half. Between airbnb.. then the rest of my money got stolen at a private event and had to live with creepy guys off that website where you can find a place to crash for free. Only guys would answer me.
They're hoping you'll sleep with them. Its like a constant battle of 'yes im sleeping alone tonight'. 'No i don't want to sleep in your bed'. But at least i had a bed.
Somewhere around now i went on a date with a guy, then gave him a handjob for $50. I was fantasizing a lot about working in the sex industry, so i was seeing how well i could handle it.
Of course well, because im not feeling shit. I'm feeling rewards, only. The fact that i gave a handjob for it made it the prettiest 50 dollar bill id ever seen. Plus he let me take the wine. I was nearly skipping down the street.
Cue the voices.
I started talking to one nearly 24/7.
It's weird how much comfort it can bring. Time passed by faster, i always had a companion. Someone or something that 'cared'.
Of course that changed, later on.
The voice was certain i should stop trying to work and that i was going to win the lottery. This being my second major manic episode i was suspicious. "Hmmmmm, you've said this before. Didn't end well. And i have no money sooooo."
I also hadn't even purchased a lottery ticket, so logic won.
When you question the voice or start to - they get angry. They raise hell.
So inner hell was raised, the relentless screaming and contradictions, i was nearly in tears in public, but im pretty good at hiding inner turmoil. Only really really observant people may notice.
I beelined it to a Psych ward and i was able to get on meds within a week.
But did she say on them?!
LOL, No! Of course not!
My Doctors insisted i shouldn't be working, but refused to sign documents for me to be on disability.
So I told them i was going to become a stripper.
They thought that was a bad idea, but still didn't sign the papers.
I decided they where getting in the way of me living my best life so, ditched the meds and decided to become a stripper.
I was a typical social drinker before, so i could always hid my binge drinking easily. Working in the nightlife industry broke that right open.
I loved it at first, dancing.
The sexual power, performing, the money.
The drugs, i always loved that first line of blow after having several drinks. It's like being baptized
"I can see clearly again, and i feel fucking amazingggg!!!".
Anyways i did a lot of blow. I drank every shift i worked. So 2-6 days a week.
Some fun times! I remember working in the day with my friend who was a kindergarten teacher, and major alcoholic. We'd get to work at 3:30pm get dressed, take shots then go give some lap dances.
I was new and innocent. I made 500 a day. 4:30 to 2am. because the moneyyyyyy high.
I got banned from 2 clubs. Like how does the cute girl from the suburbs get banned from 2 strip clubs in a big city?
I yelled at a girl for sucking my clients dick. (she happened to look like me and leveraged me, and i wasn't impressed. id been with him for an hr and a half - but had to go on stage - and she swooped!).
Second.. i started.. or finished a huge stripper brawl by throwing a curling iron at a girls face. Blood everywhere. The iron was off, i just happened to make the best throw of my life. Like if it was recorded on jersey shore or bad girls club i would be famous.
Found that i got very very turned on by the idea of fucking people i barely knew and being paid for it.
Working in a stripclub makes this an easy possibility. It's not 'aloud' but as im sure you can tell i have a very small interest in following rules.
Fucked about 10 clients this way in about 3 months.
I still dont regret those, actually. It was hot. It's still hot to me. But normal me probably wouldn't have.
One guy gave me 1000 for like an hour.
Being turned on and paid for it is probably one of my best hoax's. They WANT you to be turned on. I wanted to as well, but i needed the money to be turned on.
This manic episode was done with the saintly hopes and aspirations of the first one.
I wanted what i wanted, when i wanted it. I was not the girl you wanted to take home to mom. I didn't want to be. Being a good person got me nowhere. i knew so many people who where bad people and they got away with it all, and life never beat the living shit out of them.
I wanted to be them.
Threw my bosses flowers in the toilet once, because they 'needed water'. Unfortunately the toilet was full of shit. My boss wasn't impressed and i was nearly fired. They knew me here, and other then my mental health i was caring, and honest, and thoughtful so they were going to make me take a break, which i took a week off.
Went home with a few clients. One time i went home with two, and one tried to rape me. Luckily the other wasn't a piece of shit so i got free by scratching the everloving hell out of his face. BUT he did manage to rob me, which i noticed on my way home.
This put me in a depressed stage and it got so bad, the drugs, and drinking - that i wasnt making any money. I was getting sexually assualted nearly every shift. and i couldnt bring myself to be a cheaper escort (the fastest way to make money in the sex industry. But then its volume, not quality. For example a bp escort charges around 100 per person for 30 mins. to make 1000 thats 10 dudes. You cant screen, because these clients dont want to be screened. super unsafe. i didnt like that i couldnt choose my clients.)
Higher class ones, independent ones, can make 300 an hr. Or 600 for 2 hrs if theres dinner and such. Also the men are just more respectable which was a tradeoff i wouldnt do without.) Also safety. - But you have to have your own website made, and i didn't and i didn't have the time. ANYWAYS.
Got a ticket home to my parents instead and iv'e been trying to normalize myself until i cant get on meds.
And not die, as being bipolar has brought so many near death experiences into my life.
I can't believe that was all me.
I'm so excited to be on medication. I'm excited to stick with it no matter what.
Since my first manic episode its been ups in progress then major crashes that ruined everything id built. I've dropped out of school 4 times, quit countless jobs, moved cities, been jumped 4 times (sharp tongue, scorpio stellium in 1st house?), been kidnapped 3 times, etc.
I know theres a good chance ill be numb, as medication for bp goes.. but im excited to be numb.
If theres any indication of how horrible this illness is, it's that i'm excited to be fucking numb.
What was your worst manic episode?.
| self.bipolar |
I stay up late at night because I know the sooner I go to bed, the sooner I’ll wake up and have to start my day. And in turn I get less sleep which makes my day even worse, great. Thanks depression. | self.depression |
Every time I try and talk to someone I make them more uncomfortable around me Every time I talk to anyone, send a message to anyone, do anything, I just alienate them more and more. I used to have one person whose also depressed that I could talk to but now I'm just clinging to them and unload everything and I know it just makes them hate me more and more. I'm not sure why I bother talking to people. I know I'm just going to make it worse. That's what's always happened. | self.depression |
I am an idiot, oh math I will run out of lithium (good on my other prescriptions) in less than a week and my pdoc appointment isn't till the 22nd. The only 2 pdocs I've seen and might let me pick up a prescription (appointment slots mean waiting for months) are closed until the 15th for holidays.
This happened last month, too, and I can't believe I didn't just sit down and do the math in the dr's office so I could insist on a bigger prescription. I'm honestly a little baffled by the pdoc as well.
So do I just divide them as evenly as possible and hope things work out or walk to the psych ward I was in for a month in the spring and see if they can give me a scrip? Yech. | self.bipolar |
Planned suicide method and written note. Not sure if i should go through with it. Long story short, I feel guilty for the loss of my relationship with a girl. Even if she was abusive to me, she's gotten me into thinking that the entire thing falling apart was my fault.
My promise to her was I would do anything yo make her happy, and based on how she treated me/is treating me even after the breakup, I feel like she just wants me dead. I feel like that will make her happy. And I want to make her happy.
And Ive been yelled at by my parents, friends, and counselor that I'm being selfish, and that I'm trying to get back at her. Im not. I wholeheartedly believe that me ending my own life is something that will make her happier. And Im even more convinced to go through with it now because if feels like none of my family or friends care in the slightest. As another post on this sub said, they only start caring once your gone because then it inconviences them.
Edits: Typos and grammar, added last paragraph. | self.SuicideWatch |
Anyone ever feel like their personality is fading away? It's like instead of spending the crucial years of your life figuring out who you are and how to relate to people you spent all that time anxious and having panic attacks. Now you lack the skills to socialize and have an identity crisis. This is how I feel. Even after treatment and pills I still feel lost. I feel like a shell of a person. A blank slate. Someone who pretends to like what other people like for the moment in order to fit in. Creating some sort of pseudo personality from bits and pieces of others' personalities just to get by.
Edit/update: Whoa this blew up. It's really good to know I'm not alone. | self.Anxiety |
No motivation. I can’t even bring myself to actually plan out my suicide. Too lazy to look for some fentanyl, too stupid to learn how to tie a noose, too chickenshit to jump off a roof. Why am I so fucking unmotivated to do anything? Killing myself will be the greatest thing I’ve ever fucking done. I’m fucking garbage at literally everything. | self.SuicideWatch |
Great podcast about real mental health issues, maria bamford interview is my favorite I love the way she frames the struggles of mental illness, it makes me feel less alone and makes me feel a little less bad about having bad stretches and needing medication and therapy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PR-IAh5kF_c | self.Anxiety |
I'm terrified that this is all I'm capable of being [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I don’t deserve what I have I don’t deserve my friends, family, my grades in school, the home i live in, nothing. I feel like there’s no reason that I deserve any of these things. I’ve done absolutely nothing good with my life, but somehow I have all of these great things. It doesn’t make sense to me. | self.depression |
Do you guys go into a pdoc appointment with an idea of what drug(s) you want to try? Or do you just let the doctor decide and tell you what to take? | self.bipolar |
Being good at relationships I want a partner. Im 26/m and I have a crush on this person and it's obvious he likes me but I find it so hard to say my feelings to him. And to act loving and affectionate.
Growing up my dad never kissed my mom or said I love you to her. I never saw how to be affectionate to a partner. I don't want to grow up to be like that.
How do I change... | self.depression |
stop trying to fucking guilt trip me *“your family will be so distraught if you hurt yourself!!!”*
*”you have NO IDEA how much of an impact suicide will have on those around you!”*
*“imagine the reaction of your parents! imagine them reading the note! receiving the call!”*
....
wtf,,,, i know you have good intentions but *please*
is this really supposed to make me feel better?
all it does is fill me with guilt,,, and fills me with the realization that i have to live in fucking pain until the day i die,,, or until everyone who “cares about me” will die. | self.SuicideWatch |
FEARLESS FRIDAYS MEGA THREAD. Here we discuss embarrassing stories, funny stories, WTF stories, and everything in between. Need to get something off your chest? Here's the place to do it. Not yet diagnosed and want to ask a question? Feel free to do it here. Pretty much anything goes in Fearless Fridays | self.bipolar |
How do I stop my voice shaking during presentations? I had to give a 25 minute presentation today for uni. Of course I was nervous about it but in the end I only had to present to 5 people, all people I know and like, so I was actually feeling pretty relaxed and confident about it.
Not long into my presentation I noticed my voice sounded shaky and I was mispronouncing words. I tried to fix it by asking questions to the audience to give myself time to relax again and get back to my normal voice but it would soon get shaky again even though I felt like the presentation was going well and I didn't feel anywhere near as nervous as I thought I would be. I'd notice my voice and it just sounded nothing like me and I didn't know where the shakiness was coming from.
Any tips on how to stop my voice shaking when I'm presenting?? | self.Anxiety |
My little brother Hi r/depression, I’m not sure if this is the right place to come to ask this but I think my little brother might be suffering from depression. He is the 9th grade and plays football, and has always been very good in school. However lately he has been talking about how much he hates football and his grades have been suffering in a couple of classes, two things I never thought would happen with him. He also doesn’t ever want to hang out with his friends and just stays in his room playing video games. He recently broke up with his first real girlfriend as well, but the change in his behavior has been going on longer than that. It could have something to do with our grandpa dying about 5 months ago, who never missed a football game for either of us. What can I do to help my little brother because I hate seeing the change in his personality and would hate for him to do anything rash to himself. Thanks for any advice and sorry for the wall of text. | self.depression |
Anyone else getting sad reading all the boyfriend/girlfriend posts on here? I see them on here or real life couples and I think “Well there’s a happiness I’ve got no chance of experiencing anytime soon, if ever. No one would want me being the way I am.”
And then I feel suicidal. | self.Anxiety |
What's the best way to go? I don't want to do pills. I'm torn between hanging at my house or renting a gun at a range and shooting myself there.
Hanging is less public/less traumatizing, but I'm afraid no one would find me for a while. I also don't want my dog to see me die (he's a Velcro dog that never leaves my side and it would devastate him).
I've considered carbon monoxide, but the only enclosed space I have would be my apartment, and I don't want to hurt others/my dog. | self.SuicideWatch |
Is it that bad to want to be alone forever? I'm scarred. Not scared, scarred. My ex of 5 years left me while planning our wedding, my next ex left me out of the blue while we talked about marriage. My last ex (after FINALLY deciding to commit again) was bat shit crazy and controlling as fuck.
I think I've finally decided I can do better than this and I don't need a man to define who I am and how I want to live my life. | self.offmychest |
Meaningless I spend every waking moment pondering my life purpose. I know I don’t have one. I get up, go to work to afford to pay every bill. I get up, go to class so I can have a career, to pay every bill and buy mundane things which add value to my life. But what is the point? At the end of the day, none of this matters. For anyone. No one has a purpose. Some people may be richer than others and can experience more things, but who cares? We all die anyway. Everyone spends 80-95 years chasing dreams that don’t matter, we’re all just existing to exist. This makes it hard for me to care about anything. Nothing matters to me. I’m in my last year of college and will have an education degree I plan to do nothing with because the thought of teaching 30 individuals to become something in life sends my anxiety through the roof. I truly just want to die and not deal with the unnecessary stress of life but that would then ruin the lives of my loved ones around me. I’m stuck. I’ve been this way for about 3 year now. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, and everyday I pray I’ll die in a car accident or something so I won’t have to kill myself. I didn’t ask for any of this, I don’t want to be alive. I might need antidepressants but who knows | self.depression |
Idek I’ve ben super depressed lately and I’ve always told myself that id never hurt myself no matter how bad it gets but I started taking Xanax recently and they sort of give me a confidence that I never had before that confidence is great in social situations but it they also give me the confidence to kms idk if that’s normal or not just kinda felt like I needed to say something | self.depression |
ever tried Gabapentin? If you’ve tried this medication for anxiety, what was/is your experience like? | self.Anxiety |
I can't seem to complete an exchange for a Nintendo Switch as a gift for my cousin, and it's infuriating me Yeah, this is minor, but I don't care.
My younger cousin has CP (Cerebral Palsy). He can barely control his motor function. I wanted the switch for him because my family likes to place controllers (especially the wiimote) in his hands and guide his arms to simulate gameplay for him.
He loves it. We love it. He still has a child's imagination and we prefer it stay as long as possible as he get's so very frustrated with himself at times.
I don't have much so I can't buy a new Switch with new games. I buy everything used. Seller after seller I contact start low with price and gradually begin escalating, up until the point that the seller wants the same, if not more, for a used switch because it's "convinient" to have everything available at once.
I'm not sure what to do, but I'm angry about it. I don't want this damn thing for me yet I'm constantly coming across scammers, ghosters, or unreasonable people who take advantage of others for the console.
I just needed it off my chest. I'm angry about it. | self.offmychest |
Adjusting to new medication blows I've been on 100mg lamictal for about a year now, and it had been working wonders up until a few months ago when my depressive symptoms started reappearing (random crying bouts, hopelessness, entire loss of motivation and diminished libido). I think the effects of the lamictal were starting to wear off, and I started experiencing a lot more anxiety than I have ever felt before, even having anxiety attacks. I actually had to stop smoking weed entirely because it would trigger crazy anxiety, to the point I thought I was dying and would just be on the floor of the bathroom trying to breathe. I've never had this before.
Plus my old pdoc and therapist dropped me because I missed too many appointments, and had to scramble to find a new pdoc before my meds ran out, which exacerbated my anxiety.
My new doc refilled my lamictal (thank god), and has put me on a low dose of lexapro to take everyday at night. So far, I'm feeling that weird, foggy feeling, my thoughts are a lot more controlled but for hours after I take the lexapro, I'm dizzy and spacey and my mind is pretty empty. It's nice that I do not have the racing thoughts, but it seems to have gotten rid of some of my other thoughts, too. Like a zombie! This only happens for a few hours after I have taken my dose. It's only been a few days, so I know it's gonna be a rough readjustment period. I am feeling very peppy during the day, I wake up energized and my sleep has been uninterrupted. But after taking my dose I am agitated and dissociated from my surroundings! Which sucks and I hope that slowly goes away. I hate being snippy with people and feel bad for my boyfriend that he has to deal with me while I'm irritable and adjusting to my new meds.
Just wanted to rant a bit!
| self.bipolar |
Does anybody else have a really hard time eating anything when anxious. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Every time I try to kill myself I fail [removed] | self.SuicideWatch |
I don't know where to put this, but please read what I have say. Thank you. The following is some scattered thoughts I had while I was crying... Can anyone relate to what I have to say in any way?
The way i see therapists is like a machine you feed coins to and in turn it'll spit out some pre-programmed phrases used to make you feel something. These phrases also remind me of cold-reading in the fact that it's not genuine and tailored to the person, but in fact it's more vague so the client is the one trying to find meaning in it. -slightly manipulative
Everything feels so abstract and i wish i could paint and create what i feel but that's the problem- i have so many feelings that it seems to be manifested in an actual series of surreal images, but when i think too hard or try to describe in some way it just all diffuses into a muddle of colors- feelings. There is no possible physical medium in the world that i could use to even try and create what im trying to say, even i don’t know what im trying to say.
| self.depression |
Going through the worst depression in a while and I need some help [deleted] | self.depression |
stressed hello everyone. I'm in the military overseas which is already stressful, but now I have a lot of other crap going on. I'm supposed to leave my base for a new one soon. I couldn't leave on time so now I have a bunch of paperwork to do that I don't think will get done in time. Also I have a fitness test coming up so that I'm worried about with everything that has been going on. The last thing I want to do is make my leadership life's harder because of me.... | self.Anxiety |
I am running out of reasons to keep going.. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Got a D in math... waiting for report card So I fucked up last semester(I’m a senior in high school) and got a D... and I have pretty Asian parents who are strict about grades. Everyday I have been waiting for the mail super nervously and it is only then when I receive the mail where I get a few hours of relief, until the next day where the worrying starts to happen again. It’s been a terrible and exhausting two weeks and I just want it to end but at the same I don’t. Right now I am anxiously waiting for the mail to come in, and the anxiety is even worse today. | self.Anxiety |
I'm very frustrated I really wish I could handle this stuff on my own. I hate that I can't. It makes it difficult to sleep, eat, or focus on anything else besides what I'm worried about. My therapist gave me a worksheet to do that should help, and I've done it, but I still keep worrying. Even if what I'm worrying about is totally irrational. I just wish I was different. It's so stressful. I never feel safe or like I'm actually liked. And if I do feel like I'm liked I think it's because they don't really know me. | self.Anxiety |
The future is terrifying 'Do what you love' they say. I'm applying for universities a year late, and i still don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't love anything apart from the obvious that you can't make a job out of e.g. Football/Soccer. I should have written my personal statement by now, I'm about 2 months late, but every time I start, I realise that I have done nothing with my life, im completely empty, nothing I've done has any meaning. Nothing interests me, so how am I meant to have a life long career that I enjoy? I like doing... nothing. I like going to matches and gigs, hobbies that are meant to be done outside of the workplace, so the point in working towards some career im just going to hate for the rest of my life... | self.depression |
Girlfriend refusing to seek help Hello everyone, not sure if this is the right place to post this. Let me know if it's not.
My GF who is 21 and lives 9 time zones away from me regularly (every month or two) experiences depressive episodes including thoughts of wanting to die although she swears she won't go through with it. I'm not sure how strongly I believe that, but she's never tried to follow through (as far as I know).
Every time I beg her to see a psychiatrist or similar professional, she refuses, citing the fact she doesn't want anyone to know (but doctors are bound by confidentiality...) and the expense (every time I plead with her to let me worry about the bills).
When this happens, she mentions wanting to end it and then stops responding to my messages/calls I get so worried, to the point where once I actually threw up.
I love her, have done since we were 16. How can I help her? | self.depression |
Just got kicked again from a whatsapp group I only asked a question, they always removed me without saying anything | self.depression |
Realizing years later I pressured someone into sex, feel awful about it Years ago when I was 16 I had about a year and a half kind of long distance relationship with a 20 year old, which in hindsight was overall super toxic on probably both ends. We both had some anger issues but I think his were significantly worse, for example I kind of jokingly (but accidentally too hard) whacked him in the arm once and he straight up kicked me in the shin with steel toed boots. He also told me not to gain weight because "I wouldn't look good with a tire" on my stomach. Great guy. Also, this was his last relationship with a woman before coming to terms with the fact (and dragging me through the journey in a real bad way) that he prefers men, and while I know he had strong feelings for me I'm pretty sure the whole "dating a woman" thing was just to appease his homophobic mother.
I had a huge thing for him for a long time before we got together and basically he eventually gave into his mutual feelings even though he felt like a weirdo for being older. Now that we're years out I realize that it was weird as hell but since it didn't feel like it at the time, whatever I guess. We broke up because he cheated on me multiple times, but with me being naive and it being my first love, I couldn't let go and we kept hooking up/ generally acting like we were dating for probably over a year after.
We had gotten into a myriad of fights post-breakup more or less over jealousy of us hooking up with other people (He like more or less threatened to me that he was going to beat up a friend I hooked up with once. Also he got chlamydia twice from someone else and didn't tell me until after we hooked up, thanks to the lovely invention of condoms I never got it but yep).
Basically my worry comes in because the last time we hooked up, I stayed at his place (and slept in his bed as always). I was 18 at this point for the record. I'm pretty sure that literally every time I saw him up until this point we had hooked up, so I was expecting it I guess? That's not an excuse at all, just frame of mind at that point. He had a weird ass (for other reasons) housemate who confessed his love for him and even though my ex didn't reciprocate the feelings, he took full stock when his housemate said he shouldn't hook up with me anymore. Unfortunately with it being so long ago I honestly don't remember all the details which is really not helping me now but basically I tried to initiate a hook up, and after some back and forth he said he didn't want to because his housemate would hear and his housemate said we shouldn't and he didn't want to hear about it after. Where I feel shitty is that I def kept pushing it and kept touching him to like try and turn him on and I basically was like "we could do it off of the bed so he won't hear the creaking and we can do it in whatever position you want" and it ended up happening. I can't remember if there was any kind of "I *do* want to but my housemate" later but honestly I don't think it matters and I feel like absolute garbage now having realized how hard I pressured the situation.
As I mentioned earlier, he was kind of a giant scumbag and I have no interest in talking to him about this or anything else really. After having not been in the same room as him for years, I ran into him fairly recently and he kinda smiled and waved at me, and I just kinda walked past him and ignored him. Should I take that as a sign that I'm overthinking things and that he's not like, scarred by this or anything? We stopped talking after this hookup, but it was because that was actually right after his chlamydia round two which he told me about after the fact and I just never responded out of anger... then we kind of just mutually decided to never talk to each other again without actually acknowledging it. I don't recall him ever expressing any anger that we hooked up after the fact, but obviously people don't always do that.
So anyway this got long as hell, but am I a horrible person? I was 18 and it was the tail end of a super weird and toxic relationship with an older guy, and over the last few years I have learned so much about this kind of stuff that I didn't know when I was younger. I'm trying not to make excuses but I'm really hoping I'm the only one of the two of us that still feels shitty about it. | self.offmychest |
When Time also starts to f* ck you up. The worst thing is when you realize you are getting older, im on my 20 somethings, 7 years since i truly felt happy, and i see younger people find happiness, whether is their upcoming careers, current job, love or friends, and im here, without any of those, pretending everything is fine to avoid pity, judgement or to avoid my typical self-destructive tendencies and thoughts.
Im getting older and happiness isn't any closer. | self.depression |
Exams coming up, can't bring myself to study Throwaway account, obviously.
So, I'm in my third year at university. Aiming for bachelor's degree in summer. And I actually really enjoy what I'm studying. Sounds great, doesn't it? Except ever since the week before Christmas break I haven't done a shit. During holidays I spent more time drunk than not. Just shut in my room in my parents' home kicking myself in the ass for being an idiot. Jolly good time.
Now the exam terms are slowly passing by. Already missed the first terms for some classes. Still haven't started studying. Yeah, lots of stress, lots of pressure. But the thing is, this is my third attempt at university. The first two times I dropped out because I didn't enjoy it and was too depressed to soldier through. Then I spent some time institutionalized (is that how it's spelled?) for depression.
So I already was a failure to begin with, and after two successful years at uni I seem to be ready to prove that I still am. I know that if I don't get my shit together in the next few days, I'm gonna need a lot of money for prolonging my studies (the better case) or I'm gonna fail completely. Again. And it's not like I have anything else going in my life apart from school.
I don't even know what I'm expecting from writing this post. I know what I should do. I just can't bring myself to do anything. | self.depression |
Any advice on how to increase appetite? I’m on day 5 of Prozac and have been feeling absolutely horrible. I feel hungry all the time but cannot stomach anything other than apples. Has anyone else lost their appetite when starting prozac? | self.Anxiety |
I hate feeling I hate having emotions I can’t control.
I HATE it.
Not being able to talk yourself out of a spiral.
Especially over LITTLE shit.
I FUCKING HATE THIS. | self.offmychest |
Dear You, I've been struggling with anxiety for about 7 years. The time in my life I lived without it comes to me in my dreams. And that's the closest I feel to feeling normal again, is in those dreams. I'm medicated. I gave in after years of meditation and counseling weren't enough. Soon my father, my brother, my other brother all succumbed to anxiety and depression. We're all medicated now. They say genetics can play a role. It's just surreal to see it happen to some of the strongest men in your life. Anyways, I have my good days and really really bad days, like I'm sure all of you have to. I notice my anxiety and depression really takes over when I stop actively trying to fight it. What I mean by that is countering those negative thoughts. Going for a walk instead of going back to sleep after already sleeping for 16 hours. Eating regular healthy meals instead of binging just to feel something. And journaling. Of all the time I've dealt with anxiety and depression my most grounded moments came from writing out my thoughts. I suppose that's what I'm doing now. Thank you for reading this far in my babble to make myself feel better. I am hoping I can make someone else feel better to. That someone can relate. There's not much that can make you feel better when you're anxious but hearing that other people are going through it, and surviving, that seems to have helped me. Anyways, without further ado, I wrote this to myself tonight to attempt to fight this downward spiral I feel myself gaining speed in. I hope it can reach you and help you in some way too.
"Hi
It's been a while.
I know you've been avoiding me.
And I understand.
But you can't do this forever. Something's gotta give.
You have a life to go live dude. Do it. Live it. Love it. Hate it. Indulge it. Feel it.
I know it's hard to feel things right now with the medicine. Journaling will help. Exercise will help..
You don't have to be perfect. You just have to try to be better than you were the day before.
Love yourself enough to do that. It's time to take all the love and compassion you hand out to everyone else and give it to yourself. Fill yourself up with that love and respect and attention. You deserve it. Please try to know that. I hope one day it's not even a question anymore.
You're loved. You're important. You make a difference. You have so much purpose. You're here for a reason. Claim your life back.
You got this. I believe in you more than you'll ever know. I am inside of you, and you need to hear me, listen to my true words. remember them when the louder voice, the harsher more mean voice tries to bring you down. Don't let it. Fight. Fight for yourself. Fight for my voice so it can become yours again. The fire that once burned inside of you never went out. It just dwindled down to hot coals and it's just waiting for that swift cool air that is you, to ignite it." | self.Anxiety |
I'm going to stop downvoting people I disagree with. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Any insomniacs out there? anybody just not sleep because their mind is racing too hard? If I'm on break or something, I regularly just don't sleep, because I have too much going on in my head. I stay up all night doing useless things, mostly exploring dark corners of the web. Strangely, if I have class or work, I tend not to stay up but force myself to "try" to sleep because I feel guilty or panicky if I don't sleep one minute but know I have a shitload of things to do the next day. But if it's a weekend, I stay up all night because it's easier to distract myself with media than fall asleep early only to wake up what feels like half a second later and have to face another day. | self.depression |
Can i borrow a gun? I really wanna kill myself right now.
I don't know anymore.
I'll probably just get drunk and drink a lot of fucking pills. | self.SuicideWatch |
Disclosed my mental health issues with my boss and he forgot I started working with him in 2014. He was the one to review all of my medical paperwork and I disclosed my bipolar disorder there and I discussed it with him personally as well. I brought up how unpredictable disruptions in my sleep schedule might affect my ability to show up on time but I do my best to stick to a routine and rarely have issues (generally I’d be late once every three months). More recently i disclosed to him that I’m back in therapy due to persistent high levels of anxiety.
Lately my tardiness has been a problem as I often sleep through my alarms, wake up late and panicking, and rush to work. On a good day lately I’m still about 2 minutes late. Today I was about 40 minutes late and he had a talk with me about it (more like he talked at me tbh). He’s kind of a forgetful person (I’m his assistant and it’s my job to remember details he knows he’ll forget). Unfortunately, he seems to have forgotten that I’m bipolar and that’s really the source of my issues with being on time. I want to bring it up again but it’s kind of upsetting that i have to remind him of this since he claims to care about me on a personal level as well as a professional one. Bipolar is a big deal to me and it affects my life daily. What was the point of disclosing this deeply personal and ever-present part of my life if he’s just going to forget or not understand how much I struggle to maintain a “normal” life?
How can I bring this up again knowing that he’ll treat this as brand new information? Is bringing it up again even a good idea if he won’t remember in a week? Is there any good reading material i can use to prepare myself/better articulate what I’m going through? Any advice would be most appreciated. | self.bipolar |
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