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I feel like I've passed the point of no return [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
my job progression Start out good, seem competent and pleasant enough in the interview, get hired. Talk and get to know others. Feel comfortable because nobody has judged me and there is freedom socially. After a while I get opportunities to keep interacting with people, or make acquaintances with the people I wasn't introduced to immediately. Don't do so for whatever reason. Don't do this again on other opportunities. After a while I'm just the guy who doesn't say anything. Now introducing myself seems like too big of a deal, saying hi to people seems out of character. Now everybody thinks I'm the weird guy. Everyone went out for drinks, I overhead "Shoud we invite mistakeprone1? No." Now everyday becomes a crushing routine of being the weird guy at work. Now the general opinion is that I'm no good. Now I'm stressed I'll be fired, or questioning my life. | self.depression |
There is no cure for my kind of tired **I am so *incredibly* tired.** Tired of life, tired of this reality. But mostly just so god damned tired of unemployment and being broke as fuck. My car is literally falling apart, but I can't afford to fix it. Maybe if/when it breaks down it'll kill me and I'll be a ghost yelling SEE I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!
I am turning 34 next year and the only thing I can think is: Still no job, no career, no income. I feel like a worthless POS loser just being a parasite to family who pay my bills to keep the collectors away.
If I was gone, I'd no longer be a parasite and burden to everyone around me.
I've applied for so many jobs I've literally lost count. I've had interviews here and there that went really well but the employer doesn't hire me. Even my previous employer won't take me back, even if I go there and ASK for a job.
Hell, even the place I currently volunteer at wouldn't hire me!
So tired, so fucking tired... | self.SuicideWatch |
Today i had a date, i really really liked him, well, he didnt like me... And now im just so sad...so incredibly sad...we texted 3 weeks and we texted so much and now im just so...i had a dream, i thought i could do my school again then, for him, i cant do it on my own, ive tried and ive always failed, that i could be lucky with him, he was one of my only social contacts in the whole world.
Now only my mum and my grandpa and grandma are left, and a good online friend who really is helping me right now but...
Well does anyone have any advice? I really fell in love today, a bit, but now hes gone...and thats it...what can i do to feel better, to ease the pain, are there any tips?
Please dont say alcoholics or drugs, im sober, and i want to stay it. | self.depression |
"Our house, our representatives" - "I'm a part of this house, too." I checked my local ballot to see who was running in the special election a few weeks ago. I saw a democrat running against two republicans, and they were offering signs to promote themselves, so I signed up for one, not realizing that they would have it set up for me
I noticed it about a week ago at the end of the driveway. At first I thought my parents had put it up, and was in shock - they're die hard republicans, but maybe they're starting to respect that I have different views. They had mentioned last year that I was not to put stickers on the car that they pay for, and I complied, understanding that it was a permanent decision
A sign, though, seemed appropriate. They have a massive sign for a republican judge, and I thought it looked kinda cute to have the tiny dem one next to it. But a few days ago, it went missing
I had a chance to talk with my mom this morning, and she was giving me that schpiel about how this is their house, that they're the ones paying the bills. I snapped a bit, explaining how she was infringing on my first amendment. Yes, this is your home, but you can kick me out if that's the issue. She said she would discuss it with my dad
Now, to their benefit, I understand that they were upset, thinking the opposition had placed it willy-nilly. They didn't think to ask me about it, just as I hadn't had the chance to ask if they had placed it. But they threw the sign away, and had the nerve to tell me I do not have the right to show my intentions
I'm hoping that they will be reasonable and drop the subject. I've seen multiple households with opposing views, and have always found it humorous. I think it's a great way to bring attention to the elections in general, and notifies those around of all the candidates that would be worth a google.
Anyway. If I seem out of line, I'm open for discussion here. I get that this is their house, but one of the reasons I'm voting this way is because I think this representatives understands the issues of my generation. I'm voting this way, hoping that something can be done to improve my situation so that I'm *not* mooching off of them. But if anyone likewise has any advise on how to discuss this, I would greatly appreciate it
tl;dr supposedly only those paying the bills are allowed to have a voice in promoting elected representatives | self.offmychest |
I really wanted to hang up Over the weekend, I got a call from an ex. She was more or less on the ledge to off herself. And the thought that kept going through my head was "hang up" "you shouldn't have picked up" "this isn't your problem" but it really sounded like if I did hang up she would do something.
I keep going back to it and wishing I hung up because I've been dealing with anxiety for half a week after this. | self.offmychest |
Just tried to hang myself but the belt snapped [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
How to talk to my doctor? Hello, I have bipolar 1. I take a monthly paliperidone injection. Not much I think 178 milligrams. My life is normal, if a little uninspired and boring. I was wondering how I can ask my doctor if there is a way to harness the drive and the fun and passion of hypomania so I can feel it more in my life. Or is that a unreasonable request. Is it assumed that I just try to live my life struggling through mediocrity when I have something that can help me burst through it? | self.bipolar |
Why are good people always the ones suffering. Everyone I know and all of you on this sub seem like nice and kind people for the most part. It just doesn't seem fair that assholes and selfish pieces of shit prance around through life fucking over others and being happy, while the ones who deserve to be happy are constantly suffering. Doesn't seem right... | self.depression |
I just need a little support I have Bipolar 2, but since I was properly diagnosed and medicated 3 years ago, things have been pretty amazing. If it wasn't for the reminder of taking my meds, I probably would have forgot I even have it by now. But right now I am having an issue with a boss at work and it is really throwing me for a tail spin. At least before when I had crazy anxiety I was used to it, but given how stable I've been the last few years it's SO overwhelming.
It's a tough situation without a possible solution at the moment -
I'm basically just caught in the crossfire of my two bosses fighting with each other - and it's so tense and uncomfortable here that I feel totally out of control. It's very nerve wracking and I don't remember how to handle this much anxiety. Any advice or kind words would be much appreciated. | self.bipolar |
Everything in my life appears to be going well, but I cannot go a day without considering Suicide. [deleted] | self.depression |
Here's the thing. I'm in love with someone who strung me along for months only to choose someone else. And when I tell people this, they say that I shouldn't throw my life away over one person. But it isn't just one person. This is just the latest in a repeated cycle of abandonment starting with my mother and continuing on throughout the 25 years I've been on this Earth. Family, friends, lovers, they always leave in the end, and apparently the majority has accepted this as normal. I can't and won't, but I also don't want to live on this sorry excuse for a planet without someone PERMANENT by my side. I can't see any othet solution but suicide. Nothing interests me, and I have no hope for the future despite searching for a psychotherapist and having a psychiatric nurse to talk toi n the mean time. My experience with the psych ward is awful and I refuse to go back. Everyone else has others to carry them through if someone as meaningless as me disappeared. I doubt I could ever be happy in society as it is anyway. I guess I'm just waiting for the right moment to end it. I wouldn't even be writing this if I hadn't beemn drinking for several hours. | self.SuicideWatch |
A sad ending It all started 4 years ago joining the US Navy with a girlfriend who you think is going to be the one yadda yadda yadda. Go on deployment and find out she cheated half-way through and rough break up for 2 years happens. Drunk calls etc. almost shot 2 kids and their parents in what I thought was self defense of my ship. As to my supervisor it was but not to my captain and got reamed for it. Sights down at those kids first and not the parents haunts me every day. That's where I started losing myself. I eventually had a breakdown when I got off duty on my ship. I had tried to tell my girlfriend during that time that there was no point being with me and all that. She thought I was crazy at that point and my boss had actually found me losing it and took me to the hospital and stayed in psych for 2 days. Worst 2 days of my life. After that I was processed out, and back to civilian life. Honorable discharge, had served 3 years. I left before I was even able to re-enlist. I was a hard worker and after that started losing who I was in that sense. Started working immediately while my dad had just got fired. Fast food joint and as the days kept going, things didn't feel right. I couldn't remember orders, things people told me, anything. It messed with me. So I quit. I hated school back then in high school but I was never so driven in my life to get amazing grades and be a nurse. I was doing that and had the best grades in 2 of 3 of my classes. But I had issues that were building up. I developed panic attacks that would spur out of nowhere and cause me to stop doing whatever I was doing and just cry and breath fast and shake violently. So I left school. Took meds prescribed by the VA that makes me Shake uncontrollably everyday and has my nerves on it's edge. Went to the hospital eventually to be an inpatient and doctors had no idea so neurology came and had the best nerurologists in the hospital look at me with no diagnosis. I went home with no answer and they had none for me at the hospital but Anxiety. I went home and focused on bettering myself but as time goes on, my memory is fading for some reason. I barely remember my time in the Navy. I only rememver vividly, my high school senior year. And every moment with my ex girlfriend whom is the only person I've ever loved. Now I'm told I'm going to have neuro do tests on me because they are confused as to what's going on. Lately, I've had anger attacks, panic attacks, uncontrollable shaking, rash on hand worsening, pulling out my hair, scratching my face. And I can't leave my house without having a meltdown physically and emotionally. I don't care how unmanly it is to cry, but when you feel like life has fucked you ever in every way. You'll cry every night for hours too. I don't look forward to anything anymore. No motivation. I just vegetate playing video games to help me relax, going nowhere with life. Even losing my appetite is a new one. I don't know how much Longer I'll be able to keep this up. Lately, everything has been really loud lately. Little, minute noises will trigger me and I'll have a meltdown. I either get mad or have to leave and end up pulling out my hair. I don't know who I am, and barely remember who I used to be personalitt wise. I ask my ex and she gives me a response that gives me happiness like I've never felt. I just want all of it to end. More so go back in time to when I knew who I was and be happy again | self.SuicideWatch |
I feel so alone, I just need someone to talk to I’ve been going through the worst year of my life so far and it’s getting to the point where suicidal thoughts become more and more frequent, and more comfortable. I don’t want to think like this, there are people in my life who care for me so much and I know how devastated they would be if I ever took my own life, but my constant paranoia and self-hate is taking over and I can’t seem to stop it. I just need someone to talk to so I can feel a little less crazy and a little more confident in my chaotic life. | self.SuicideWatch |
Having the same bad thoughts for years I'm having a hard time deciding exactly what to say so I'm just gonna jump into it and hope for the best haha.
I'm a pretty emotional guy. I overthink everything and assume the worst, but always hope for the best. When I was 14 one of my best friends died (not to suicide, if you're wondering) and that really broke me. I became much more obsessive and needy, maybe because I want to experience the most of someone before they're unexpectedly gone, you know? I'm 21 now and that hasn't really gone away.
I only really became like that with my love interests, though. When I start liking a girl, it's like I need to experience everything of them because it's what makes me feel complete and happy. However everything ends up failing and I'm left broken with bad thoughts. Finally, eventually, I repair myself to where I'm content with myself, and then I begin liking someone else and everything just repeats. It's basically a nonstop cycle, but my resulting lonliness, overthinking, and depression get worse and worse, and the good times become far shorter. I'm at the depressing stage of the cycle right now.
I know that suicide is a dumb option. I know it'll affect everyone around me. I've felt that before and saw how it affected people and it really sucks. But sometimes I just want to get the bad thoughts out forever, you know? I've talked to a couple people this time about it (tried to not be as overbearing or persistent like I usually am) and nothing has really come out of it. It makes me feel even worse because it feels like I really don't care (I know they do though, really).
I don't want to hurt anyone but it'd be fantastic to finally just get it over with. I know I'll end up doing it eventually so why not now? This is probably a pretty common mindset but I'd take being happy over being dead, but that seems out of the question for me. I can't find comfort in thoughts like "staying alive will keep others happy because they won't have to face the despair of a dead friend/relative," even though I know that I should be feeling like that. I know that others have it far worse (I'm not even talking about just the typical "starving children" argument. I just mean have it worse mentally even when their life hasn't been hard by any means) and they break through it, so I should be able to break through it too.
I guess I'm just looking for some support from people when my friends don't realize how badly I need it because of how well I hide it. (Also I'd rather not call a suicide hotline/get a therapist because I don't want to be put on some kind of watch list for being a potential risk to myself).
Thanks. I truly appreciate any response. | self.SuicideWatch |
Every time I close my eyes all I can focus on are awful things. Whenever I’m about to go to sleep my mind focuses on every terrible thing in my life. I feel fine during the day, but then when I close my eyes at night my brain is just flooded with an overwhelming feel of failure, self harm urges and just a panic-y anxiety that is so overwhelming that I struggle breathing.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Any tips are so appreciated. | self.depression |
Am I experiencing mania? For the last three days I’ve been feeling extremely good, I’ve got loads done, I’ve made lots of plans, I’ve seen lots of people etc. I am wondering if that is part of mania, I am newly diagnosed and confused a out how I recognise these phases. Today I feel flat and I can tell it’s not going to be a good day, can anyone give me an insight?
What is happening to me? :( | self.bipolar |
Buying 120 mg pills of Latuda Online I am on 20mg Latuda right now and considering buying 120mg pills online and then splitting them into 6ths.
Does anyone else do this or know if this works?
| self.bipolar |
Huge anxiety at Xmas with family I have massive anxiety around Christmas time when I meet my extended to the extent that I stay at home on my own whilst my family go to my grandads along with my aunt uncle and cousin. My mum and dad have come to accept this now but it used to be terrible and I'm not sure why I get this anxiety.
I'm 26 and earlier this year I moved to Malta to start a new job, I'm very confident in person it just seems that I cannot be myself around new people when I am with my family, it's really strange.
I've come back to the UK for Xmas but I cannot wait until I can get back to my life in Malta.
Just wondering if anyone is in a similar situation to me? I've hated Xmas since I was around 14 years old. | self.depression |
Nothing is going right I lost my job today, barely paid off rent last month, the holidays are coming i feel like a total failure but people are too nice to tell me. | self.SuicideWatch |
How do i stop my depression and all other feats of it ruining my relationship? [deleted] | self.depression |
i dont want to write a note i guess this is my goodbye because im just a fuck up. if anyone i know finds this i want you to know that im sorry and this is my last resort i have tried everything else. to my girlfriend i love you more than anything in the world and i just cant deal with the pain anymore i cant deal with the family issues. the stress is unbearable. if i dont comment on this post tomorrow than you will im gone. im sorry goodbye | self.SuicideWatch |
How did you lose your friends? I don't mean by moving away, either.
My best friends all the way until high school and I were nerds. Once I started smoking weed heavily, and they didn't, my friends became the stoners.
I was a stoner for 10 years. Their social lives became too much for my tiny, sad, jealous little mind to deal with. We had the same hobbies. I was the only one with a job, or a car, or my own house, and yet they were always in a new relationship with someone I knew Id never have a chance with, and I felt like they were rubbing it in my face. So I cut them out too.
Now, its my coworkers. I don't even like them. Its a combination of both problems now. They don't want to be close to me, I don't want to be close to them...
Being a human is bullshit. Social animals my ass.
Suicide booths should be a real thing.
| self.depression |
Lithium blood work - is the dosage required? I have had my lithium level taken 30+ times and I always have to tell the nurse the last time I took my meds and how much I took. Today I had my blood work done and when the nurse didn't ask for the dose I told her that its always asked for. She insisted it wasn't necessary and there is no reason she would need it - her reason was that the computer didn't ask her for it, so that is not convincing. I haven't been able to find via google why it would or wouldn't be needed.
Thanks :) | self.bipolar |
Are there any people over here who have tried to commit suicide but failed? By failed I mean wrongly executed attempt , not able to do it because of fear or stopped by someone at the last moment.
Let's just say I'm starting to get back on track by sorting all of my shit.
Before all of this,I was literally on the verge of committing suicide.
The worst part was that I hung out with people who spent more at a dinner table than my entire family's monthly 'income'.
Whenever I met them, I pretended to be the complete opposite of what I actually was........ An annoying , happy little kid with no worries or issues who didn't take anything seriously.
But I couldn't really bring myself to do it because of my family.... Basically I wanted to do it but I felt that it would be a little 'selfish' of me because I knew that nothing would change.
The world would continue to function normally and that their life would become more miserable.
I knew that this would make things more difficult so I just held on.
And now that things are a little better, I'm glad I didn't give up.... | self.SuicideWatch |
I tried to talk to my parents about my mental health I'm 17, and a senior. I have failing grades in school, and because of this, they refuse to help me. They refuse to believe anything else except for "he's lazy." They are old fashioned and from Arkansas so they aren't used to dealing with mental illnesses, they've countlessly told me to get over it.
When one of my best friends killed himself, two days later my dad tried to come in my room and tell me I shouldn't mourn him too much because he was selfish and a coward.
Needless to say I've hated my dad since then.
My mom just doesn't understand it, but also refuses to. Anytime I try to have a conversation with her, she screams at me. She doesn't listen, and if I ask "why?" She just leaves and refuses to answer. Am I wrong as a 17 year old to believe that's childish of her?
I've told her about my mental health countless times, but she refuses to help. She refuses to listen and believes it's an excuse. My anxiety doesn't allow me to get help from an outside source, so when my parents won't do shit, what am I supposed to do?
Then there's technology, and it goes back to being old fashioned parents from the south. They blame EVERYTHING I do wrong on it. Oh, your eyesight is bad because you've been staring at a screen. Oh, your grades are bad because of video games.
I'm sorry that you have to grab and fight something simply because you don't understand it, and therefore, you fear it.
I'm just so sick of being alive. I don't fit in around here and I'm DESPERATE for change but I'm chained to my judgemental family for another year... I don't know what to do... everything feels so pointless now. | self.depression |
Stable and then... BAM! Episode! *Edited* because i should have used a throw away... Thanks for the input... I think i got what i needed. | self.bipolar |
My family is falling apart Just like the title said...my family is slowly falling apart because of financial problems we’re dealing with.
I’m trying everything I can to get every scholarships out there so that my parents don’t have to worry about my tuition anymore and just live a life without worrying about money. I can feel the tension rising in my family...my mom is so stressed that she constantly reminds me of how fucking poor we are and I should be thankful that she let me studied abroad while my dad is trying to hide their financial problems and told me to focused on getting a degree. Every time I called them, the same shit happened every damn time...my mom would talk about money and my dad told me to ignore what my mom said and then they had a big fight.
I’m also trying to maintain a 3.5+ gpa while applying for more scholarships. I’m so depressed and tired that I forgot to eat sometimes, sometime I even cry out of consciousness
Fuck I’m crying again. Thank you for letting me rant about my problems | self.depression |
Had to put off my suicide, feeling extra lost I was totally set to finally end it. Saw my family for the first time in a while, saw my old good friends for the first time in a while, had good holidays for once, I was totally ready. Feeling good for the first time in months. Note written, method planned, day picked- everything. And then something happened, and my SO had to lean on me, and I had to put it off. Now I just feel even more lost and like I don't know what to do. I haven't done anything that I should have (bills, school, other adult stuff) because I wasn't going to need it done. I have even more anxiety thinking about what's going to happen when my vacation ends. I think about school starting again, having to step through those doors, and I just feel so completely miserable and hopeless and like total shit.
Just needed to throw this out into the void. | self.SuicideWatch |
Looking For Life Advice Before I Make A Decision I'll try to be to the point as to not take too much of your time.
So I was out on my own and living a great life with my fiance and then she met another guy and left without even saying goodbye after 5 years. this was December 2016. I then moved into my parent's house because I let them talk me into it, bad idea. Mother has always been abusive emotionally and still, into my adult life, remains.
Since then, I lost my job due to my own stupidity of letting alcoholism affect my entire life. I have been sober for about 4-5 months now and feel healthier than ever
I am building a youtube channel with the intent of using it to advertise my business and be independent once again. Building a youtube channel takes time and although it is growing it will be awhile until i can sell my products through that.
I want to open a physical location but would need funding for that, which is near impossible to get for startups.
I am also going to college only because my parents will only let me live at home if I am in school. With no job I cannot move out. I have tried to hold a job since but the crippling depression has made me feel like killing myself due to feeling controlled at the job, not having freedom.
My parents do not understand what depression is, they think it just means really sad so I do not blame them for not understanding.
So I am unable to hold a job, unable to get away from an abusive home, unable to make money working for myself and therefore I feel hopless about the future.
I have been seeing a psychologist for a few months and it is helping a bit but is my only option just to wait for it to work fully?
I feel hopeless about the future :( | self.SuicideWatch |
Life sucks dick and I know none of you care [deleted] | self.depression |
Stories Dropping out due to Social Anxiety?(TW) About this time last year I dropped out of college due to social anxiety, I had already joined a year late so I was in first year for two of my classes but in second year for one of my classes so in 1/3 of my classes I had very much a new kid kinda status which of course did not help my anxiety. I would often have to walk out of classes avoid class by wandering around the campus until the lesson was nearly over showing up late to avoid time spent in class and sometimes never showing up at all. Between lessons and during lunch breaks I would hide with my guitar in the practice rooms of the music department. This was a technique I had used at my previous college where I also dropped out due to my mental health.
By December holiday my panic attacks, negative thought patterns and self harm had gotten so bad I dropped out. This was one year ago now I only leave the house about once a month, have no job, the only people I speak too are my parents and my one/only friend.
If anyone else has stories or questions about mine please share/ask below | self.Anxiety |
The real truth . I’m fake , the person everyone knows is actually just an act . I’m that guy all of you know but don’t really know . I’m that guy that makes the whole room laugh . I’m that guy that is always there to help someone . I’m that guy that no matter how much pain it’s caused me I will forgive someone. But the truth is nobody knows who I really am , I don’t even know who I really am . I spend so much time being the fake me that I have lost me . But do any of us really know who we are ? I just want to be free . Behind my smile is pain and hatred , every laugh is a distraction. Like every good show it has a beginning and an end and I don’t know when it began or how it will end . Like everyone else I’m just an audience member watching . | self.depression |
So Tired of not being able to do things I have GAD. I would think I've gotten used to it by now but when it peaks, I just don't have control over it. When I sit down to work, I get so anxious that I'm afraid I will not be able to breathe within five minutes. I try to go out and have a walk and things, and I don't even know exactly why and I just have to stop. I want to be able to do things. I wish I could do the normal things that anybody else can do fine without even thinking about it. I'm so tired of my anxious self... | self.Anxiety |
Addiction to a place Does anyone ever get addicted to going to a place/location/? Even when that place/location isn't necessarily the healthiest | self.bipolar |
Does anyone drink daily? Going through alot and just want to cope a bit. Drinking is probably one of the healthier things ive done. Wondering about the health effects of getting drunk everyday or atleast multiple times a week. | self.SuicideWatch |
Sunday nights are the worst I have PTSD and lots of anxiety about it.
This last week I've constantly been having major panic attacks. Whenever I'm melting down I go for a run and run till I can't run anymore. Usually it's great and resets my fight-or-flight senses. But this huge spike in frequency is making this coping method unsustainable.
Tomorrow morning I need to go to work. It's a high pressure and intense job that I can't quite leave just yet. And I know that if I have a panic attack work tomorrow I'll need to hide out in the bathroom until I can calm down.
To anyone else laying awake dreading Monday, I feel your pain and hope that your tomorrow ends up being as anxiety free as possible.
| self.Anxiety |
How many of you discovered you were bipolar after being on an antidepressant? I was diagnosed with bipolar I after being on citalopram (an SSRI) for a year. When I was manic I actually upped my dosage per my doctor's suggestion because he thought it would help me sleep. It was such a severe manic episode that I physically could not fall asleep and went over 72 hours without rest. I was administered ativan in the hospital to help me sleep. Best sleep I've ever had. | self.bipolar |
ECT The feeling when ECT is supposed to work but it doesn’t and you still feel like your dying slowly. | self.bipolar |
My body is just not helping out Sighh. This really sucks. But i will do better | self.Anxiety |
I can't listen to the song Roses by Outkast [deleted] | self.offmychest |
It hurt to confirm i have anxiety today I don't get it. Normally, I like to announce to people in my field and to my students my history with hypochondriasis, anxiety, OCD, and depression. I like to humanize and destigmatize us, and I'm proud to be an example of success. I feel to blessed to pay what people have poured into my forward, and let people know that I'm here to help them navigate life with mental health troubles.
Tonight I went to the doctor because I was feeling very sick. After he went through my records, he asked if my Escitalopram and Clonazepam were for anxiety and depression. I confirmed, "for anxiety." And it made me sad. I don't know why. I'm still sad thinking about it. | self.Anxiety |
Does anyone else get SUPER set off (symptoms-wise) by certain people? Is that even a thing? Or just my imagination. | self.bipolar |
Hurt I hurt myself today. My boyfriend and I got into a really bad argument that culminated in me scratching up my arms and legs, slapping myself, screaming, and finally going to kill myself. My boyfriend saw all this happening and stopped everything to take me home and be with someone. At least he had a decent response. Not like before. Before he would've left me. Wouldn't have cared.
It's not my fault I have this mess in my head, but I'm the one that has to clean it up. That doesn't seem fair to me... | self.SuicideWatch |
Doesnt anyone else feels like Depression is just caused by negative/destructive thinking? For me it is the main cause. But the suicidal thoughts are just so tempting though they are the most painful ones. | self.depression |
I'm finishing my first semester of college and I hate it I'm a freshman psychology major (I know) at a big public school and I have no friends here, am $2000 behind on housing payments, am failing all of my classes and again have no friends. I go days at a time not saying a word out loud to anyone. I don't have money for things, I can't focus on class, and I don't even think I picked the right school. I just really hate college so far and unfortunately I mean that. I haven't really had any good experiences. | self.depression |
What’s it like living with PTSD from sexual assault [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I know I'm BP when I go to reddit /r/bipolar When reading everyone's post, I feel I can relate to just about everything. I actually laugh out loud as well as feeling like crying depending on the post.
I just want to thank everyone for living and sharing. It seems we are our own community for sure. | self.bipolar |
FEARLESS FRIDAYS MEGA THREAD. Here we discuss embarrassing stories, funny stories, WTF stories, and everything in between. Need to get something off your chest? Here's the place to do it. Not yet diagnosed and want to ask a question? Feel free to do it here. Pretty much anything goes in Fearless Fridays | self.bipolar |
Is NEVER finishing ANYthing a symptom? So when I was younger, I did ALL the things. Literally. I was in choir, soccer, volleyball, horseback riding, violin (orchestra and a select/special orchestra, pit orchestra, girl scouts, honor roll... swear I missed a few.
I did it all. And probably more. My wife likes to tell me that I didn't have a proper childhood because I was always going somewhere.
Ever since I left HS/college... I love doing nothing. I am also an only child and an extreme introvert (like, can happily talk to NOBODY, including my wife sometimes for days). Extreme as in, a remote cabin in the woods sounds lovely sometimes.
Anyway.. I have a habit of not finishing things, or just getting bored. That's not to say it doesn't interest me at first, because it does. Years ago, I tried to pick up the violin again and for a while (to me, but realistically it was probably a month or two, maybe barely that) I got bored, and stopped.
I took up photography years ago, even took a class (which was a struggle to go to sometimes) and *bought* a camera... but these days? I don't even have the camera, I loaned it out to a semi friend and while I've missed it fleetingly a few times, for the most part I forget it's gone. Yet I was pretty excited at the time to get one and to get into photography.
But seriously.. nothing holds my attention. At least, not long term. I wish I could say that I don't get excited about anything, because at least that, I understand. The problem is I do, it's just not enough. This is the case for everything in my life.
Does anyone else relate? Did anyone else get over this? How do you keep up the motivation to do something if you don't even feel like doing it?
If left to my own devices, I'd probably talk to no one except maybe a few times a week, watch a ton of movies/Netflix/TV that I'm severely behind on, and read tons of books. I know this is the case because I've done it many times. | self.depression |
Tried to end my life Monday. I failed. I feel more lost than ever. [deleted] | self.depression |
So tired. I've had depression on and off for years but came off my medication a few months back as it was making me suicidal. These last few months though have been so tough. I was made homeless and a friend took my wee boy and myself in but it was too far from my Mum so I was fortunate enough to be placed in a temporary furnished flat.
I have a guarantor (My ex) loan which I took at the time to consolidate my debt. I could make the payments fine until now. I was forced into taking a tenancy (In Scotland we are offered one option and unless we have a valid reason to decline - eg. Disabled individual taking on a third floor flat - then we need to sign for the keys). Now I'm being charged £10 a day because I can't move as my own flat is barren so uninhabitable. I fell into arrears and I'm trying to get out of them.
My wee boy is now permanently living with his Gran because what began as having coping issues has now turned into completely can't afford to keep him.
I have anxiety which for a while has been under wraps, sort of. But it has reared it's ugly head and I can't go out and feel like everything is falling apart.
I'm tired and not the kind that sleep can fix. I just can't see light at the end of the tunnel. | self.depression |
Rant and help?: medication doesn't work, stress keeps building, moving soon, have been feeling sick constantly. Thanks for reading this. I'm pretty sure there will be typos, etc., because I can't seem to think straight, and I feel like I post too often, and usually only when I'm feeling really anxious or depressed, and sometimes I'm too anxious or depressed to write back, so I apologize in advance.
I just feel like I'm at my wit's end. I am getting paranoid right now, like I shouldn't be writing this or I'll be found out. That's usually a tip-off that something is wrong, but I don't know exactly what.
I feel so stressed from trying to figure out the Rubik's-Cube-like maneuvering that needs to occur in order for my S.O. and I to move. We started renting an apartment last week, but there are so many factors in getting our stuff there and set up that it is giving me actual nightmares.
None of my medications have been working, it feels like. I'm just constantly down and up. I want to go off of all of them. Honestly, the thing that has helped more than any of my medications is cutting out alcohol (I guess it made me even crazier, go figure! /s). But I'm going to wait til I can see a competent doctor to cut out any meds, I guess.
And lately I've been feeling sick almost constantly. Like, not even IBS-sick, which I have, but nausea-sick, often can't eat/have no appetite. I know stress will do that, but it is really wearing me down. And it doesn't feel totally stress-related.
Anyway, thanks for reading the novel. If you have any advice, I'll take it, if not, really, just thanks for letting me ramble.
TLDR: pretty much just what the title said, but I felt the need to add this because it's a longer post | self.bipolar |
Information anxiety - First time posting Basically when I'm trying to study a TV show and write articles about them, or write an essay on a book I'm reading, or taking in and learning the newest set from magic the gathering, there hits a point where I feel like my brain is trying to think 4 or 5 things at once and it overloads and it eventually burns me out the point where I can't think and I lose all motivation to finish any of my projects, and then when I do pick them back up I feel so lost that I restart everything to feel comfortable. Usually I just shrug it off and keep going but it's been incredible bad lately, to the point where I watch casual comedy shows just feel like I'm doing something. Just looking for some help and sympathy I guess. | self.Anxiety |
[self harm] Misery I used to love my job. Now I’m struggling and I want to quit. Idk if I should.
If feels like there’s another person in my head. I’m scared their going to take over. Idk how. When I get stressed I’ve been having issues with wanting to self harm. I’m not a self harming person, just self destructive.
I feel like I’m not fully in controls of myself. | self.bipolar |
Anxiety/panic attack made me bail on hanging out with my boss....and i still have to face her.... So last night my coworker who's newer to town wanted me to go out with him and my boss to 6th street which is the bar scene where I live. So I said yeah I would go and they told me to be ready in an hour.......my husband said it was 100% fine if I went but then I started to remember the anxiety I had the last time we went to 6th street....and next thing I knew it was full on anxiety/panic attack so I texted them vaguely just saying "Hey something happened I can't go." tomorrow Im gonna have to face my boss at work and she knows that I have anxiety and depression issues but I still really don't wanna tell her thats why I bailed if she asks.....and they wanna then go bowling monday night and I'm already having anxiety like not wanting to go to that.....I'm kinda concerned (but at the same time prefer it this way) that I might not be strong enough to go anywhere without my husband or my 2 best friends, I can go out with them just fine but we don't go to clubs and such.......I just feel like I'm slowly becoming weaker with my anxiety about going out of my house......And I've now felt all of this after y therapy appointment yesterday morning where I told my therapist that I thought I'd be fine going out..... | self.Anxiety |
Some reflections and advice from a dissociatively anxious Neuroscience major. **As some of you may have experienced; a potential symptom of anxiety is Depersonalisation/Derealisation; a sensation of losing control that has generated the greatest terror I have ever experienced. All of the notions I mention here are applicable to X anxiety but I use DPDR as the focus of my anxiety and the insights/reflections I have come to.**
I have had OCD, a fear of uncertainty, a desire for control and "normality"/constancy since around 12 years old. A.K.A: Anxiety. Only self-diagnosed as OCD until my eventual downfall.
A series of events in late 2016 led me into an intense, insidious cycle of anxious rumination and fear. DPDR arose from this maelstrom of angst, something who's existence I was completely unaware of, particularly as to being related to anxiety. My perceptual world changed, my reality became crisp, shiny, radiant yet also incredibly surreal. And there I was, thrust into the middle of a world so overwhelmingly vivid that I yet felt so overwhelmingly absent from. Confusion. Dissociation. Existentialism. **Terror**. I felt as though *Insert my name here* had literally disintegrated, yielding to panic at what I felt was myself disappearing. Am I going insane? Am **I** going to disappear? What will I be/become/**do**?
A few very abstract yet **CRITICAL** things were present: Ignorance about the nature of anxiety, fear, reality, normalcy and the individual.
**I am not going to go into the deeper neuropsychopathology of DPDR (ask in the comments if this interests you), but the KEY is that it is a FEAR response. And for ALL anxieties the crux is to become comfortable with the things we are afraid of. To befriend the enemy. To relinquish control.**
Yet when we have an anxiety disorder we aren't typically afraid of a truly present and threatening (rational) stimuli; we are instead hyper-sensitive to negative possibilities and cannot sit with the uncertainties of life; we seek **unattainable** and ultimate control over events. We **put ourselves** into intense states of angst and as a result DPDR potentially emerges, even with the lack of a truly threatening situation. So our hyper-sensitive fear response observes this new and frankly very strange change in perception and **paradoxically becomes the object of our fear and concern**. The fear response becomes the source of the terror itself; you see where this goes, we've been there, done that, it is horrifying, confusing, frustrating, dissociating and despairing cycle.
We **need not** be so inherently afraid of change. DPDR is a change in our perceptual experience, our world, that is inherently subjective to begin with. Furthermore DPDR **is not** an inherently negative change in perception, but if we fear it then we suffer because a self-rejection (of one's own reality) is occurring, hence the intense terror associated with DPDR. Heck at first I freaked out, and feared it, but when I stopped being afraid of my DPDR, when I accepted it as a part of my continuously changing experience of the world; I frankly found the radiant visual changes boundlessly beautifully, as if I was seeing the world more beautifully than I had ever before. I was baffled. As I've been befriending my DPDR and its presence lessening as a result; **I've even had the thought that I don't want this brilliant beauty to go away**. How ironic aye?
I feel a lot of the fear came from stigma; passively induced through the concept of **normalcy**. When DPDR or other "abnormal" anxieties/states arise we classify them as **abnormal**, we resist this state and fear it. But what is normal? **An absolute normal doesn't even exist, it is a misunderstood notion**. Each and every human has a reality, a subjective one. There is an illusion that all the mentally healthy individuals in our world are living in the "true" reality and the "crazies" are in koo-koo land. **False**. Each individual has a set of sensory equipment to *approximately* measure the world (eyes etc..) and a system to interpret these sensations (brain). Both are dimensions within which there is boundless potential for change and variation. It is simply that these variations in realities are on average akin to a normal distribution; hence the illusion that most people are in a true reality (because the changes are too small to perceive) and others have an invalid reality. Seeing this now and seeing these notions in the people around me baffles me daily, how so many of us fail to perceive the true nature of reality and the beauty that lies in such subjectivity. My DPDR'd reality, and **your** DPDR'd reality is no less objective or beautiful than anyone else's. So we need not fear "not being normal anymore", because there is no normal. Normal is just an approximation, a pragmatic societal notion.
**It may not seem intuitive or easy but stop fearing your DPDR/anxiety triggers, stop fearing change, embrace it and let yourself sink into it while continuing with your life EXPOSE yourself to those fears and then sit with them, without judgement or engagement, without rationalization or control-seeking. Just watching and being; living.**
Change should not be feared because it is inevitable. It should be mindfully observed, acted upon rationally. Furthermore; fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself. Ride the wave.
There is a common fallacy in the average person; that there is a concrete individual; an "X name", as if we, as an individual, are some form of invariant and sentient being with a concrete reality. The truth isn't quite so, what you and me are, what an individual is; is a continuous series of perceptual experiences, reactions, behaviours and tendencies. Your personality doesn't stay or disappear; it flows, always has and always will. Neuroscience and mindful psychological theory (which I am qualified in), support this intuitive notion. Which funnily enough aligns very much with a lot of Buddhist claims (bar the spiritual/rebirth/religious aspects). There is no self. The self is a continuous, and beautiful subjective experience of a beautiful world. It is typical to be afraid of such a notion, we fear change and the unknown by default, as if something is being lost. Nothing is lost, everything changes, but this is actually liberating, you have an experience that can flow in any direction you choose. Accept change, notice it, welcome it, and build yourself on the things/people/beliefs that make you feel warm inside :) | self.Anxiety |
If you've had ECT, please read! I need some help... [deleted] | self.depression |
Walking slow to avoid people that I don’t even know! [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
I get so carried away with faking my happiness in social settings that it actually tricks me into thinking I'm happy for a second. [deleted] | self.depression |
I want to die [trigger warning] [Trigger Warning]
My trauma happened when i was 8, I'm now 18 and still suffer from it daily. I actually suppressed the trauma completely until I was 12, when it all came back to me; so I guess I've only really been dealing with it for 6 years now.
I have severe PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, severe panic/anxiety attacks, OCD, severe memory loss, and had an intense eating disorder for 6 years that I'm still struggling with constantly. I haven't gotten a good nights' sleep in years. I have constant PTSD nightmares, regular nightmares, and insomnia/constant fatigue and exhaustion. I also disassociate a lot and self harmed for years. Currently clean from self harm for about a year and a half. I've been admitted to a hospital because of all of my mental problems, and honestly wish I could go back sometimes. I was gaslighted for years to believe that my trauma was normal. My home environment was constantly hostile.
I go through long periods of feeling suicidal. Currently in that period. Don't know what to do, honestly. Years of being in therapy and being prescribed pills and yet I still am nowhere near being close to healthy. Looking back, I can't even remember the last time I was genuinely happy. The periods of my sadness last longer than my periods of calm. I'm so afraid of waking up when I'm 40 and still feeling the same way I do now.
The thing about being an adult that spent their entire teenage years thinking they would have killed themselves by now is realizing that your mental illnesses have real repercussions. I have fucked bones and a fucked stomach because of an eating disorder that lasted so long and a GED because I couldnt find the will to do schoolwork when I was just trying to find the will to live another day and not cut myself again. I can’t afford college because I didn’t do any extracurriculars to get scholarships because the thought of having to stay after school made me want to have a panic attack and i just wanted to sleep. I have no friends because when people invited me to hang out my anxiety made me cry myself to sleep instead. I didn’t have any real thought-out “grand plans” because I was too busy hurting myself and getting high and wanting to kill myself to really sit down and plan things out. I said I wanted to do things but never took the time to think it all through.
It doesnt seem fair that I went through this trauma, had/have all of this mental illness, and now have to do with the repercussions of those illnesses. It doesnt seem fair that I'm suffering so much still. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of trying so fucking hard. I know this is self-pitying and 'emo' but I just don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. I really just want to die. | self.depression |
I just feel fucking miserable.... Just kill me please [deleted] | self.depression |
They just don't get it. My only want is for it all to end. [Boring background:] I told my therapist what I think of life. ] He says that it's all your *perspective* and that I should work on my individual problems. The sad thing is, is that he's saying nothing wrong. I am choosing to keep my viewpoint, to stay like this. I already know how messed up the world is, and the struggles of my life to come. [Yeah yeah. You're only in high school. So much potential. If you want an overdose of depression, go look at the world as it truly is. It's just a game of struggles. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for myself.
**I honestly just want to tell everyone that my only goal in life is convincing myself to commit suicide and finding a way to do so. How do I say that to someone without being seen as crazy?**
I am sorry for taking so much of your time. I will likely use up more, as I'll likely find some other thing to post about. Is this even the right subreddit to post this? | self.SuicideWatch |
Just tried to cut blood flow to my brain I've been having reoccurring suicidal thoughts for quite a while now, and even though I made a plan, I never took them quite too seriously, almost as a "this is my last resort" kinda thing. Today was my first day back to school after the break, and in our class we talked about depression and suicide, it made me very uncomfortable, and I don't know what caused it, but after class my suicidal thoughts went crazy and I started to see them as more than a last resort, one of my only options. After thinking for a while I made my decision. I just took my phone charger cable and tightened it around my neck for a minute trying to restrict all bloodflow to my brain and kill me. I don't know why it didn't work, maybe I didn't tighten it enough, maybe I'm just too stupid to know how to do it properly, but I'm still here. I don't know if this even counts as an attempt but if it does than its my first. I want to try it again. | self.SuicideWatch |
I Just Have To Share How I Feel About The Holidays [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I don't have anyone to be myself around. Even with my best friends, I have to put up a mask. It might be a thinner or smaller mask, but it's there. I make one of them feel like shit for being unable to help when I take off the mask, and the other is battling depression themselves. I just want to go curl up and die in a corner. | self.depression |
I feel so alone I feel like i’m not the part of anybody’s thoughts. Nobody messages first. I’ve tried so hard to reach out but they always just walk off and it hurts so much. | self.depression |
Just some stupid shitpost I need to read tomorrow while sober [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
"Fear is Nothing to Be feared"- Read this article on psychology today, found many enlightening ideas, and wanted to share [Link](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201712/fear-is-nothing-be-feared) | self.Anxiety |
I just want everything to end Its been 4 painful years of nothing. I have been feeling empty for god knows how long now and even though everything seems to be going better for me there's just multiple factors that make me feel worse.
Basically, the school makes me want to die, I'm in the last year of the IB and every passing day is painful, I feel like I haven't made any progress in the last 2 years and my grades reflect that. People expect more from me but I've never felt like improving myself, and every time I stop trying people just keep nagging and telling me that I am not good enough.
The best news I've gotten in the last few months is that an English university accepted me. but of course, my parents swooped in (divorced) and ruined everything for me. Basically myu dads a dick and even though he keeps telling me hell pay for it mom just constantly tells me that he wont and im starting to believe her.
My only life support is my girlfriend and shes a sweetheart she really is but shes also emotionally unstable and sometimes i can barely cope with that.
I just want to die i want to end it i want everything to become silent i need for everyone to shut up and stop telling me what to do and stoip reminding me that i am going to fail i already know | self.SuicideWatch |
Approaching a girl is one of the most terrifying things for me to do. I'm a 24 year-old man, and I've only ever had one girlfriend. It took every ounce of my being to ask her out, but I did, and we dated for about a month. It felt great to take that step, but this was years ago. I'm incredibly shy and anxious to approach a girl.
I recently took the pledge to not let my anxiety control me anymore. I've been on Celexa for about 10-15 years, but I still have trouble doing new things. I feel like I've been missing out on life. So, I told myself to do more things. The problem is, there's still dueling perspectives in me on the dating front. One says that you being able to go home and do whatever you want, on the other sometimes I feel lonely and a girlfriend can give me a much needed boost to my self-esteem.
One big problem is that I still live with my parents. It's much later than most people, but I don't have a very well-paying job, and I wanted to use this time to save money to one day get a better job. I just feel that women may judge me harshly for still being a dependent.
Another problem I had is the actual act of approaching a girl. How does anyone do that? I always feel that they have all the power in that situation, and I'm bothering them or being a creep. Does anyone have advice on how someone with SAD overcomes this, or just tips in general. My heart was POUNDING when I first talked to a girl, but I did it because she had a Zelda backpack, so I knew we had something in common. Any advice is appreciated. | self.Anxiety |
Can someone talk with me tonight? can't sleep, and overthinking negatively. Would like a friend. [deleted] | self.depression |
I don't know what is happening to me, much less what to do about it. Depression and I have had quite a history, but since attending University and leaving all toxic people behind, she kept quiet. I had a boyfriend, my grades were alright, I lived a healthy, alcohol and sugarfree life... Had everything to be happy, until I decided to fuck up everything last summer.
First thing I ruined was my relationship. I met someone who made me realize my boyfriend and I were probably not meant to be, who made me realize our lacking sex life was not due to it becoming a habit, but simply because I didn't feel attracted to him anymore. Being only 20, I decided to end the relationship. It left us both in pain, but for different reasons. He was heartbroken because he felt like he had lost the love of his life, and I was sad for losing my best friend and companion, who I had planned to spend my three-month-long summer holiday with. Of course, those plans were cancelled now and I basically spent three months alone. I could have spend them with family but.... My father is always gone for work (and only sleeps or complains when he is at home), my brother is either biking/partying... And then it comes down to my mom and I. Our relationship had been extremely difficult when I was a teen. It was better now... but to spend three months with her was pretty...tiresome. She complains a lot. About my dad and brother, about how hard it is to combine work with a family....( sidenote : she works 4/5 - we have a cleaner and she RARELY cooks, so I don't even know why she is complaining). So actually, I was REALLY happy when summer was over and I could go back to Uni.
However, the second thing I ruined was giving up my healthy life style. Being active in a student's association and partying sober, not much fun in that. I went from partying once or twice in the semester to at least two times a week, and I drank a lot. Sometimes to silence my head, sometimes accidentally.
I was a fool to think the alcohol wouldn't take revenge on my body. Since the summer holidays, I have gained around 20 pounds ( I blame alcohol and preferring take-away food) and seeing the weight on the scale makes me hate myself and the way I am behaving. I am neglecting myself, but I can't find the strength or energy to change it.
I noticed that it seems to get worse when I'm home. At Uni, I have the possibility to go out eat somewhat healthy at the student's restaurant, but at home...I live in a rural area where there is litterally nothing to be seen, and as I said before, my mom hates cooking, our schemes do not co-operate, so I mostly eat alone anyway...Going home makes me feel incredibly empty. It has come to the point where I don't leave my room anymore as to avoid all social contact with my (estranged) family members, except to eat.
TL;DR : thought depressive episode was over, then I decided to end my relationship, which left me alone with my *super warm* family. I indulged in alcohol/pizza/cake/whatever, gained a lot of weight and now I feel unhappy about the way I am and look, but I don't have the strength to change it. | self.depression |
Things You Will Never Know You'll never know how broken I am.
You'll never know how absolutely, completely, utterly devastated I am.
You'll never know how long I cried, how hard I cried. How my hands shook and how I retched because the pain was too much.
You'll never know how I've sobbed myself asleep and awake every night and every morning since.
You'll never know how much of a coward I think you are, because you wouldn't even look me in the eye. All I got was an email without a subject line.
You'll never know how much I wanted to scrub my hands to the point of bleeding, the same hands that you held while you made beautiful and ridiculous promises.
You'll never know how lonely I feel, or how worthless. Because you weren't only my boyfriend, you were my best friend, and my confidant, and my right-hand. We were going to travel the world. We were going to see Buenos Aries and Paris and Barcelona and Sydney and Amsterdam and San Francisco and Vancouver. We were going to swim in every ocean the world has to offer and hike every mountain we could.
We were a team. I felt invincible with you. I felt powerful, and beautiful, and happy, and like nothing could ever stop us.
And, while you have friends and family to consolidate you, to wipe your tears and rub your back and comb your hair with their fingers, I have no one. I have no friends. I think my family is tired of my sobbing.
I have no one, now, because you left.
You'll never know how much a part of me will miss you, every day, for the rest of my life. | self.offmychest |
When the therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists tell you you have no depression but you still want to die I used to lead a successful life and was proud of how simple and easy my life had turned into, and I believed that my purpose in life was to show everyone around me how to live successfully without disrespecting anyone or any rules and without cutting corners. In essence I felt that I held the key to happiness and was eager to share it with anyone who was willing to follow my example.
Unfortunately, 4 years ago I went blind due to a congenital glaucoma, and was totally unprepared for that even though it was highly likely to happen during my lifetime. At the beginning I was positive about the whole situation, so I went to a blind rehabilitation center thinking that after coming out I would pick up where I left and continue to be an example to others, but I totally underestimated the mental drag that comes with being blind. I started seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist shortly after going blind, and in 4 years I had 3 psychologists and 2 psychiatrists tel me that I show no signs of clinical depression beyond wanting to die, so I'm not taking any meds.
The problem is that my life is no longer simple like before, as the strategies required to live blind make even the smallest problems a challenge to solve thus creating a huge mental drag that makes everything extremely unpleasant to do, and I know that these problems aren't going away as there is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can do to return my life to what it was. I'm also no longer an example to anyone as I have become extremely dependent, not because I don't want to do things but rather because I refuse to accept that I'm blind and have to do them differently, so the only way I see out of this is killing myself, but even that becomes much harder to do blind. | self.depression |
Quicksand As far back as I can remember, I've known a feeling of anxiety. Depression usually followed right after or vice versa.
At a young age I was exposed to a lot. My parents were young, my mother was 18 when I was born and my step-dad was 16 (my mother was already pregnant when they started dating.) They had a rather good support system between my (assumed, long story for another post) bio-*father's side of the family being involved throughout and after my birth, my mom's side being involved and my step-dad's family being very involved.
My step-dad was strict, but forgiving. Mean, but soft. My mother tells me all the time how my (to clear things up, incase I write more than I am intending to atm, "dad" is my step-dad and "*father" is my assumed bio-father) dad was always fascinated with the way I was quite intuitive and intelligent at a young age. He loved me as his own and that love still holds true today.
My parents had another kid, my sister, 2 years later and my brother came another 2 years later. I don't remember much before my little brother's birth, but I do remember some great and terrible things from when I can.
My parents went through a lot of drama between infidelity, alcoholism, abuse both ways and I saw them fight quite a few times. Punches, kicks, choke holds, tears, knots, bruises, cuts, blood, sweat. I remember most of them quite vividly but they don't exactly haunt me. They don't make me feel depressed or anything most of the time, but there's times when the memories make me furious or sad. To varying degrees, as well. Some days it's a Denzel tear, others it's a full blown meltdown holding my pillow and sobbing uncontrollably into it.
Growing older, I got socially awkward and very introverted. I was a skinny kid until maybe 6 or 7 idk. I got pretty big and self-image was a huge issue for me. I remember beating myself up mentally whenever I looked in mirrors. I felt out of place everywhere I went, rarely feeling "welcomed" or invited. I remember feeling shame or guilt often, whether it was warrented or not.
I never really approached kids in school, they usually approached me. They were usually the naughtier kids. I moved schools a lot, too. Between all of the moving before I got to HS, I had been to 9 or 10 schools. All of them usually had a similar group of misfits that gravitated toward me. Maybe because they were the only ones not afraid of my rather serious look all the time.
Whatever the reason, I was never quite left alone in school.
Bullying wasn't a huge problem because I looked rather big and mean, could even be mistaken for the bully most of the time. But there were always a few little shitheads who would poke fun in front of other people for their own ego stroking. I took them rather terribly because I'd beat myself up in my own head without it but with more fuel and real life experience to torment my thoughts, I became more and more introverted and awkward. ESPECIALLY around girls because of my insecurities.
At a young age I was also introduced to pornography. A cousin of mine pulled me aside into one of the rooms one day and had me watch one with him. I became aroused and experiemented with that on my own at that time and became addicted to porn immediately. It started to consume my everyday thoughts. I've read that the link between porn addiction and depression is unmistakable, but with so many different events in my life, I assume mine is a culmination of all the tragic events. I remember being depressed before watching porn.
After porn entered my life, everything was perversed for me and this created even more isolation and introversion as I associate any affection with sexual arousal. Yet another shithole I fell into. I couldn't be affectionate with anyone because my mind was where I didn't want it to be but I couldn't help it. I knew it was wrong and I also couldn't control it or understand it so I started to feel guilt, disgust and shame daily. Yet I craved affection and attention and love.
Fast forward to 8th grade, my younger brother was diagnosed with cancer. A rare form, Desmo Plastic Small Round Cell Tumor. He was transported to the childrens hospital in the city and my sister and I stayed with our grandparents for a few months before moving to the city with my mom to be closer to the hospital.
After a long battle, his fight came to an end on August 20th, 2009. Roughly after 10 AM. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was in my science class watching MythBusters. After the lunch bell rang I gathered up and headed toward the cafeteria, but before I could get there, my mom's boyfriend at the time was there to get me out of school. My heart fell into my stomach as I lied to myself and said my brother was fine over and over, but I knew he wasn't. After waiting what seemed like a century to get to the hospice (I didn't know what that was/meant at the time), and another century waiting inside the hospice without access to my mother, brother or dad. I sat in angst. I already knew. I couldn't cry. I still had a glimmer of hope, or naivete. But, when we were told officially, I felt empty.
This made HS miserable, paired with my mother's depression, alcoholism and aching heart. I don't remember days being much different outside of being afraid of getting home to my mom being abused (even tho she started it most of the time,) dreading school because I was unhappy with myself and how awkward I was, and spending hours upon hours in a giant public library doing anything but reading books. They had a counseling class that met once a week but I didn't always go, and I didn't always share anything.
There's much more that I went through, but that about sums up what I feel are the roots of my depression. I haven't spoken to any professionals, I have been wanting to the last few days because I've been very depressed and I made a lot of progress within the last 2 months that I don't want to undo.
I was in a state of clarity, peace, my mind was clear, I had energy, I could stay on task and finish everything and be "normal." I stopped wondering why I was depressed, I stopped feeling it all together and just sort of went with the flow. I found that I slip in and out of this quite often and I never really "knew" knew until today. I would say I come in and out of enlightenment.
My first big enlightenment that I could fully comprehend came from an incident in which I fell for my best friend who I never even met in person, but rather through Facebook. We never really even talked on FB until one day we did and then somehow we started talking. It was on and off at first, we'd talk for a few days at a time, then a day or week betwen then again. Then one day we just started talking every day. I was in college at the time, but I dropped out after 2 semesters. We talked about everything and she just listened and responded and was invested and showed interest and cared and all the things bestfriends feel like. I knew not to fall in love, that it couldn't be between us, but somehow I was in lala land and I did anyway.
One day she killed my ego involuntarily. She was just confiding in me and telling me about an encounter with an ex and I got hurt and jealous and told her then proceeded to block her on everything. I felt numb, I sensation I felt before, but this time it killed my ego. I hit rock botttom. She has forgiven me since and we talk still, but not as often as before. We've both been busy in our own lives so neither of us take it offensive.
I slipped back into a state of depression and ego recently and I caught myself when crying in my car lastnight while beating myself up in my mind (the thoughts were not literally of me beating myself, but of me being tortured and weird shit like that by others. Specifically women. Idk why. I'm weird, ok?) I started to question why I had those thoughts and came across a few reddit posts and read through a few. I also swiftly Googled anti-depressants and how they work. What depression is and such. Now I am considering medication, but I am honestly scared to visit the doctor's office. Not entirely sure why either.
The moments of clarity or enlightenment or whatever you want to call it, I would like to have much more of that. I am very productive and my mind isn't all over the place and I don't wake up depressed or anxious or beat myself up in my head all day. I suppose I will visit a doctor soon, but being 100% honest idk how long I'll procrastinate. If at all. I'd love to hear from anyone that has experienced something similar either in childhood experiences or the sudden enlightenment/slipping in and out of enlightenment.
I know this was a lot to read, but if you did take the time to read all the way through, thank you. I hope to hear replies, questions, suggestions, your stories. Whatever. I'm open for dicussion. | self.depression |
I don't think I'm going to be there for you when it collapses. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
My ex found out I was cheating on her, but I really want her back. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Does anyone else experience anger and frustration when your partner isn't taking the hint that you want to have sex? [deleted] | self.bipolar |
I know what I want to do with my life, but I don't where to begin, or if it's a career that even exists. I'm almost 30 years old.
I am between jobs and broke.
I have student loans I can't afford to repay and no degree to show for them.
My wife is keeping us afloat, barely.
I’ve spent my entire adult life providing for us, helping my wife accomplish her dreams.
But my checking account doesn’t lie, I have to get a job, like yesterday.
Here's the thing:
I have lived a difficult 29 years. For all the blessings I've received (and there are many) I have had to deal with many hardships and tragedy as well. Too much for a person my age. I have seen death enough times to make me really question how I want to live my life. Seeing death has made me understand the fragility and absolute brevity of it all. When I'm old I want to look back on my years with pride at what I've accomplished and how I spent the precious time I have been gifted.
Here’s another thing:
I have worked many, many different jobs. I have succeeded and excelled in nearly all of them. I’ve worked indoors and outdoors. I’ve worked manual labor where I came home covered in mud, and I’ve also held a job where I went to work in a suit everyday. I’ve worked sales, I’ve worked construction, I’ve worked maintenance. I’ve worked retail, I’ve done marketing. I was a tutor at one time.
Rapid promotions, leadership, added responsibility, you name it, I've pretty much achieved it very quickly (blessing). However, I have always ended up restarting every couple of years. Whether it was finding a job that paid better, or had a better schedule, or was in an industry that I enjoyed more, or moving, I have restarted my chance at a career countless times.
I'm not mad at myself for this, because, as it turns out, none of those jobs are what I want to do long-term.
It took me almost 30 years to figure it out, but I think I finally know what I want to do when I grow up. I just don't know if this career even exists and I think my time to figure it out is nearing an end.
Here’s what I know from all of my past experiences both good and bad:
I want to help people and animals. When I face death I can be proud of my life if I’ve spent it helping others. Period. No amount of money or accolades is worth wasting my life pursuing. I do not view helping others as being simply worthwhile, I see it as one of humanity’s few ultimate choices. Personal sacrifice for the good of others. That’s a mantra I want to live by and a legacy I want to work toward.
Here are more pieces to this puzzle:
I like working outdoors. I enjoy physical work. I am most happy when my work requires a degree of problem solving and intellectual focus. I love work that offers immediate gratification and allows me to see what I’ve accomplished as I accomplish it (think: cutting the grass, or building something). I thrive in an environment where no two days are the same. I love change and experiencing new things. I welcome a difficult challenge. And I’ve recently discovered that I like to travel (harkens back to my love of experiencing new things).
I detest complacency. I do not like being 100% comfortable 100% of the time. When I feel comfortable I get scared. Scared that I am not challenging myself, scared that I am becoming complacent, and scared that I am wasting my limited time on meaningless endeavors.
And therein lies the problem.
I have the pieces to the puzzle, but I can’t seem to figure out how to put them all together and solve this thing. What career can I possibly pursue that would grant me these things? FEMA disaster relief? I’d love to, but they aren’t looking for a general laborer. They need specialized personnel. Why would they hire me, a soon to be 30 year old job-hopper, who can’t afford to pay off his outrageously high student loan debt? Which, by the way, has slowly crushed my soul.
Here’s where I stand:
I am in the prime of my life. I am physically and mentally fit. I am intelligent and compassionate. When set to task, I work harder than almost everyone I know. My moral compass points true north. I am a good person. I hate feeling guilty for anything. I have character flaws, but I actively try to work on them. It’s not always easy confronting my personal ugliness, but damnit, I try.
All I want is to find a career that I can be proud of. I just want to help people and animals, and do it outside with my mind and body.
However, I fear I am destined to chase a paycheck once again. Take yet another job that doesn’t fit me. Slowly crushing my soul more and more until all of the things that make me a good person are gone. And around and around I go. Until one day, I face death myself, where I look upon my life’s work and grimace at wasted life.
I just want to be useful while I’m still able.
Help me. Please. | self.offmychest |
Holy shit, I think it's working. I woke up this morning and didn't want to cry and die! Actually, I felt....happy?!? What?!? A week and a half on Lexapro and I can feel it! The nausea and tiredness is worth it, just had to share. Wow, I need to hold on to this fucking feeling. Guys, there is a light at the end of this shit tunnel. | self.depression |
Insecure about Living with parents [M22] I am 22, in college, and I have a couple a years to go in my degree. My social life disappeared since I broke up with my GF a year ago. I want to go out and be social, and I feel like that too much to ask of myself. I have recluse friends but I feel really making friends I would have to invite people over but me and the rents live in a small house and have people over would be weird.
Last semester, I quit my job and went on vacation. Now I'm back at school, I have no job, I live with parents, and I have never lived away from them. I study something kinda difficult (for me at least), so its nice to not have to worry about food or rent, but I have a bit of insecurity around it. I feel like a little kid. I don't have much responsibility now. Juggling school, work, and life seems like I'm setting myself up for failure. I already feel like a failure because I haven't done anything except recluse and live monastically. I feel alone.
Even if I did move out I would still have social anxiety but I feel if I was forced to go to the store and had a place of my own I could interface and invite people over. Also If I moved I could date, which I miss.
Should I bite the bullet and grow up and try to work, move out, and live while risking financial failure OR keep cozy in my little kid bubble with my insecurity? Any thoughts welcome.
Sorry if this is incoherent, It's an anxious ramble. | self.Anxiety |
Mom of 2 year old with horrible anxiety. Hi. This is my first ever post, so bare with me. A little background to start. I have been married for 4 years and we have a 2 year old. I recently went back to work in the last 6 months and I have been an emotional mess. We originally had it worked out to where my husband would be working days and I would be working evenings so our child was always with one of us. Great plan on paper. Once we started this, I was having terrible panic attacks about not being home to put my kid to bed missing out on night time routine and snuggles. After 6 weeks, I was offered to go to days and only have to work 3 days a week. My child now goes to a friend house on Monday and Fridays. Now my anxiety is all about how to take care if him if he gets sick, or if my friends kids get sick. My husband is still in his probation period and already had to call out once. My parents have been able to take off when I need them to so I don't have to call in to work. So now when he gets even the slightly cough or sniffles I immediately freak out and will panic the entire time I'm off work and try to figure out alternative care for him so neither of us have to miss work or risk getting me friends kids sick. It's been offered to me to get back to nights. I have to work because I carry the insurance for myself and child. My husband's work only pays for him. So what I'm ultimately getting to is, how do other people deal with this anxiety if anyone does? I currently see a therapist and she wants to hold off on putting me back on the medication I was taking for postpartum depression. Should I just bite the bullet and go back to nights and eliminate the child care issue all together? That's what I keep coming back to. I guess I just need some advice on what to do. My husband is fine with whatever I want to do. | self.Anxiety |
Feeling alive I feel alive for the first time since summer. Here's hoping the will to live lasts long enough to salvage my grades and carry me through finals. | self.depression |
Thoughts you would not otherwise think Ive been on this sub for one month and it has helped me greatly. I have been using it as a vent and to relate to other peooles stories.
Yesterday i had very weird thoughts right even though i was really tired. These thoughts were completely random images or scenes or "gifs" of random things. They caused me a lot of distress. Does anyone who is stressed out/ highly anxious relate to this? The thoughts felt as if they were not what i would normally think and i could not control them. Am scared to go to sleep tonight. | self.Anxiety |
Blackouts causing stress/anxiety/depression I have been blacking out while drinking for quite awhile now mostly drinking alone. I don't know what happens or what I do during these time periods and it really scares me. I once woke up and there was a McDonald's bag on my floor after drinking alone so I'm obviously able to function during these black outs and do things. This most recent black out I woke up in the hospital after about 8 hours of either being blacked out or passed out idk they didn't tell me much other than they found me outside a bar. Last thing I remember was sitting at the bar having a drink really drunk and it all went black. Is there a way to bring back blackout memories because it seems no one will tell me what's going on | self.depression |
I need help, nothing is going the right way anymore. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Too lazy to function. If I’m violating any rules of this subreddit or Reddit in general, just delete the post, whatever, fuck it.
Context: 18 years old, male from Europe. English isn’t my first language, so excuse the grammar.
Everything seems so fucking pointless, I don’t want to do anything and I’m really struggling. I think I have developed anorexia at least to a certain point. Probably had something to do with feeling in control. That, and being too lazy to even eat sometimes or binging on pizza so much I feel disgusting. I also wanted to look skinnier, seeking some sort of a validation, thinking at least I will look good. Well, I thought getting 700 likes on Instagram was going to make me feel better (yes, I’m a self loathing narcissist, who would’ve thought) but, apparently, not really. I binged yesterday, now I weigh 67 kg again (am 185cm, weighed 72kg about 2 months ago) and I feel fucking disgusting. Also, I’m also almost a year in a relationship and I’m still not sure if I love him. I think I would or I do, I just can’t understand or process it because of my mental state. School also sucks. I feel like the teachers bring me down and demotivate me a fucking lot, even when not intended. Or I’m just a lazy fuck and I’m looking for someone to blame. I wanted to apply to study abroad but guess how’s that going along. Well, either way, I don’t want to study at all, but I feel pressured to do so by my friends, teachers and family. I can’t focus in school, might be that I’m either that lazy that I’m letting my future crumble in front of me or I don’t know. Eh. My boyfriend says it’s not a big deal, I can retake my exams any other year in case of failing but I can’t find a single fuck to give even about that. I don’t want to pass or fail the exams. I don’t want to study or work, but still here I am - stressing my balls over it. All I want to do is starve myself into nothingness, but that’s not a great idea considering I would hurt the people that care about me, and they didn’t (at least intentionally) do anything wrong. I’m not a monster, I just feel like all of this is pointless. I want to escape reality, sleep through all the hard times and wake up when everything’s sorted. No one is going to sort it out for me though, I have to do it myself but once again, I’m too unmotivated for that! All I’m motivated for is hating myself and staying in my room while occasionally leaving for a coffee and taking selfies while chain smoking. My friends, on the other hand, are getting invited to interviews on prestigious universities and shit. It’s hard not to compare myself to others in such situations. Anyway, I’m too tired to write more so... whatever. Maybe you guys will give some insight, just keep in mind that recommending to seek professional help isn’t an option for me because my mom is a psychologist and we live in a small fucking town, so she knows every colleague of hers, and they also know me. Wouldn’t risk her finding out, because whatever you say, confidentiality isn’t very important in this town. I know.
| self.depression |
I want to kill myself but I'm too much of a coward to do it Things would be a lot easier if I had a gun so I could just blow my brains out and be fine with everything. | self.SuicideWatch |
I've got a constant feeling of hurting everybody I want to change it. I feel guilty because of almost everything that I do.
Tried to write more about it but thought, come on, you pussy, you wanted this.
And frankly, yeah. I'm provocative, I like to make things against me on purpose. Recently, everything is going up, I got a new job, finally moved out of parents place (which i will never call home, but that's a whole different story), I want to spend my life with my wonderful girlfriend, I have plans of proposing to her, etc.
And now the magic happens.
I encourage everybody around me to think that I treat her the worst, I say that I hurt her more than I help her (she has 'problems' as well), I say that her life was better before I appeared. She is so kind to me that I feel I don't deserve all of this.
God, this is my 2nd post on reddit, because I couldn't find help anywhere else.
Note: i may have missed a lot of things important to this/mine story, ama just in case. | self.depression |
Hyper sexuality Hyper sexuality is really making me unhappy and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Any help would be appreciated. | self.bipolar |
I feel civilization is going to collapse within my lifetime and it's starting to affect my sanity... Basically, I spend a lot of time on /r/collapse, and I've come to realize that this world will reach a brutal and horrifying end while I'm still alive. It's already starting to affect my mind, I'm starting to spend more and more of my time paranoid. I'm always afraid, especially for my family. I feel like this will all just end up turning me into a nutjobs and destroying my life. I'm already starting to think of offing myself to escape it, but, I also know that I may be overreacting. What can I do? Those motherfuckers on that sub are worthless, all they do is wax poetic about how amazing and unique it is to be amongst the last humans, as if I give a fuck about that. I just, please help me. I can't take this. | self.SuicideWatch |
Have you ever noticed the difference in your posts and answers day by day? This has been something that has helped me notice my ups and downs a lot more..to actually mindfully think of it.The same as with Snapchat. If I have an off day I am depressive and answer things so sadly and like a broken she'll, but then good days I am joyfully answering almost with a bounce in my words... Do you do this or notice this too? | self.bipolar |
I was going to go outside today Earlier this week I was like "fuck it, I'm gonna go outside this weekend and do something!" Now here I am not doing anything. I don't know what happened. | self.depression |
It's my birthday. I got a lot of birthday wishes, which was really nice. It made my day. Two girls from my class even bought me chocolate because they know I LIVE for anything sweet, my best friend wrote me a song, and my boyfriend wrote me an entire story. I didn't expect I would get anything at all. I guess life is not that bad sometimes. | self.depression |
Advice Anyway to deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety so chest pains, out of breath, dizziness also earlier I felt like I was gonna faint then I had a panic attack is that a possible sign? Really scared I have heart issues when several doctors said I don't | self.Anxiety |
What did you do to get over your fear of driving? I turn 19 tomorrow. I’ve never driven a proper drive. I’ve driven half way home with my permit a handful of times, and that’s it.
Driving is scary and stressful to me, but I need to drive. It’s too impractical not to. I want a little bit of independence, (be able to go to the gym by myself, how am I going to go on dates without a car, etc)
How did you get better at it, less scared by it? | self.Anxiety |
I reached out for help today I called my employee assistance program. I get 3 whole sessions before I have to pay. It was really hard for me to simply call the number. I have no idea what I’m going to say to this person who is supposed to help me.
But it’s a start | self.depression |
I don't know where I want to go with my life. Input appreciated. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Pain during mania? Had a few people on this talking about actual physical pain during mania and I've never had this. Can anyone clear this up? | self.bipolar |
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