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I have depression, my friends all live far away and I feel lonely I don't have an active social life at all. It kinda has to be that way because my school is almost an hour away from my house (and some of the people I know live even farther). Plus I am pretty introverted and I usually can't fit in new groups, so I don't really look for people in my town.
I try to forget my condition by keeping myself busy at home (I have a lot of hobbies) but since the age my depression became major, I really can't find the strength to do anything but laying in bed looking at my phone or sleeping anywhere. Mix it up with personal problems and I pretty much can't ever be in a good mood.
I'm 17 and I know people usually say "oh it's a phase, just wait up, I was like that at your age too and it turned out great, etc." Well it really sucks for me and I wish I could stop living like this.
It's been 4 years, since highschool has started, that this has gone on. I'm really jealous about anyone else who has a normal social life and I have to hide myself not to be mocked (people really enjoy mocking me by the way).
I wanted to add that I have gone for years to a psychologist and no it didn't make all of my problems go away. I'm not sure if he's not good enough or if I just gotta wait or if there's nothing to do. | self.depression |
Suburban nostalgia and depression God I fucking miss being in middle school/ high school.
It’s not because life was anymore fun then, in fact now that I’m in college I’m fucking loving it. I’m having more fun then I ever have, most of it because I’m not depressed.
But man, I’m so pissed I wasted all of high school.
I would literally go to school, and go home and go to bed. Wake up at 5 am and do homework then go to school.
My sleep schedule was so fucked up because I would literally fall asleep everyday. The only exceptions being when I could go out with friends or my sister would ask me to tag along with our friends.
I had such an awesome life that I couldn’t appreciate back then. My parents were almost never home, (never hurt me emotionally, but had they known how much time I spent sleeping they probably would’ve intervened) and I did jack shit for about 6 Years.
I finally started playing sports in senior year but by then it was too late. I left school feeling upset that I had alienated so many people in my life.
By the time I graduated from high school I didn’t have friends I had “old friends”. People who would invite me to things just because we were really great friends in the past.
I get a little upset just thinking about it.
I could’ve been a better student, made more friends and all around been in the moment but I wasn’t. I spent my entire high school career worrying about things I didn’t have.
I had it all man.
Great friends, a perfect family, and an awesome place to live. I was care free and did nothing because I was so insecure.
I look back at my life with tremendous nostalgia, and I don’t want to go back, but i fucking hate how much time I spent worrying back in the day.
I ya nostalgia because obviously high school wasn’t filled with all great times. But man the moments I remember just being a regular kid and doing stupid things was what really stuck with me. The times I remember being happy were the times that I didn’t let my depression get the better of me. If I had gotten the support I now have (I could’ve just asked then) I would have more memories to fondly look back at.
Tl;Dr:
I’m nostalgic about highschool, despite having been heavily depressed most of the time.
I just want to write this out because I wasn’t mature enough to deal with my depression as a kid.
Depression is tough, but in most cases you cancer through it as you grow older. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take you’re feelings seriously or try to sweep them under the wrong but let it stay in perspective.
The feelings I had in highschool were manageable and I failed to manage them in a healthy way.
The goal should be to one day get your mind under control and allow yourself to live the life that you want. I promise that if you make the effort to do it when you’re young you’ll be able to thank yourself later.
| self.depression |
So i have come to a powerful revelation... I now firmly believe that I do have GAD. i will try to get help soon. | self.Anxiety |
Its that time again... SO going overseas for 3-4 weeks. Separation Anxiety. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Hi I'm Caleb, right now I think I'm overthinking my breathing and I can't sleep For the past two nights I've been up all night because my breathing feels weird. Like every breathe isn't very satisfying. I have a big fear of dying, so the fact my breathing is off prevents me from going to sleep because I want to be aware in case something happens. I've tried a couple different breathing techniques, but nothing is working. I don't really want to go to the doctors because I don't want to get prescribed any pills. Most of the pills I see people get prescribed are the same party drugs I see people crushing and snorting. (Clazzys, perks, etc . . .) and sleeping pills give me sleep paralysis and that's fucking scary. So that's off the table. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone else goes through a similar thing, I read that it could be related to my anxiety (which is self diagnosed, sorry if that bothers some people) and tips and advice would be very appreciated. | self.Anxiety |
Beyond justification Whatever wrong you perceived to have received from doesn’t justify all the shit you put me through. Invasion of privacy and undermining my ability to make a living. What has it accomplished. It’d, however be completely justified for you to submitted to the same stuff, you put me through ... | self.offmychest |
I'm a bad person. All I do is push everyone away. I make everyone around me miserable. I'm just a narcissistic, selfish, immature, spoiled, crazy bitch. I lost a friend today because she's tired of dealing with me. If I'm this much of a burden, I shouldn't exist. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. | self.SuicideWatch |
Please dont EVER try a beta blocker to control your anxiety long term!!!!! This shit is literally going to kill me (NOT SUICIDAL); If I suddenly stop posting on this account you'll know why. I keep having to take more and more and more to feel normal. It's literally impossible for me to wean off my heart just keeps racing and my head feels like it's going to pop and I can't stop moving around i'm so fidgety it's insane. I took propranolol 30mg to control my adrenaline enough to where I could go into clinical(nursing) and not be as nervous. Now I'm up to 45mg a day and it's been getting harder and harder to not increase the dose. My body just isn't adjusting to 45mg I've been on that for well over a week and I'm STILL feeling this way. I wish I never got on this shit. Every doctor chalks it up to anxiety and that "withdraw symptoms shouldn't be that bad at a low dose". Even after taking 0.5mg of xanax I still feel edgy. I'm fucking pleading with everyone reading this to not use propranolol or any other beta blocker to treat an anxiety disorder. I had to withdraw from nursing school and quit a good job because of this shit, even having transient chest pains that I never had before going on this. Again, never use this drug long term to control your anxiety; I'd give anything to go back 4 months and never try this. :(
DONT USE BETA BLOCKERS LONG TERM TO CONTROL ANXIETY.
If anyone feels like pm-ing me that would be greatly appreciated I'm so lost right now and have nobody to talk to. I'm a good guy who only did this to get through college because I want to help with all the bills my family has :( | self.Anxiety |
As a former helicopter parent and current mother of a 23 suicidal son, PLEASE take my advice. Do not smother your kids, do not try to mold them to be the perfect child. Let them be independent and take risks. I wanted the best for my son, so I scheduled his entire life. I grew up around 3 brothers, who spent their teenage years in the 80s drinking, doing drugs, partying, fucking girls. They slacked off, and I hated it. I hated their attitude towards life, I hated them for how unproductive they were. I wanted my son to be nothing like them. I had this image of my son being this smart, witty hipster kid who, on his own accord, said no to partying and drugs because *he was better than that.* I saw what the stereotypes of kids today were, and I was happy to see him grow up in this generation, which seemed to be more accepting.
Except, around 13-14, things changed. I saw him hang out with different kids. I found out he cut his after school art class, I found him kissing a girl at 13, he wanted different clothing, he started listening to hip-hop. My dream of a smart hipster accepting kid was fading away, and my reaction was to smother him. No hanging out after school, I have to talk to his friends parents always if he is going to see friends, I have to make sure his friends are the 'right type' to be hanging out with. It got to the point where I told him he cant listen to certain music because it was too crude or had curses in it. No violent movies. No over sexualized movies. I picked out his clothing, I told him he cant wear his more 'edgy' clothing. No hanging out in the park, no hanging out on the streets at all. No going to parties unless there are parents there. No violent video games. No going to the sketchy bodega. I tried at one point to make him eat vegan and organic food only. I made him read books I picked out for him, feminist books mostly.
I did everything in my power to make sure he was the right type of person. I didn't want him to have fun, I didn't let him choose his own time. Because he would have chosen the wrong things, and fun usually just means up to no good right? So I didn't like the idea of him having fun, as many excuses as I made, that was it. Fun to a teen boy, to me, was getting drunk at a party and doing something you will regret. Not MY kid.
I tried molding him, and in the end, he became sheltered from the world entirely. At 17 he was going off to college, and we spent 2 weeks at my sisters house. Those 2 weeks were just so eye opening to me. My sisters kids were 16 and 17 and they just seemed so much more mature, so much more socially healthy than my son. They had a lot of friends, they had girlfriends. The parents looked the other way to the older son drinking a few beers with friends. The kids listened to whatever they wanted, they watched whatever movies they wanted, they hung out with whoever. The older son had a public enemy shirt on, something I would have disproved of for my son. But he was... just so much more mature.
My son went to college for 9 weeks, then dropped out. He came home, telling me college was too overwhelming. He became depressed. I still tried to withhold him from bad influences, but after some eye opening events I realized how wrong this was. And I also realized it was too late. He was 18 years old with the maturity and life-exposure level of a 12 year old. I got him to move out at 20, with my help, to an apartment only 4 blocks away.
I wish I could say he has done better. It has been 5 years, 7 suicide attempts, no friends, no girlfriends. I give him 400 bucks a month for his apartment. He doesnt blame me, but I blame myself. I really fucking do.
Let your child be themselves. Let them take risks. If they fuck up in some way, if you catch them drinking with friends at 17, learn to look the other way sometimes. They dont have to be perfect, but they have to be themselves. I never learned this. I wish I fucking did when I had him.
Edit: Holy shit I am on the front page of Reddit. | self.offmychest |
My mind is on fire It feels as if there is a palm pushing down on it. The only thought that makes me happy is my suicide. | self.SuicideWatch |
It's hard to talk about being single I've been single for my whole life. It's kinda upsetting. I've been on dating websites and on dates. I've even hooked up with people before. But I've never had anything serious. I try my best not to complain about it a lot but on some days it really sucks. People tell me I'm nice and friendly and even cute yet no one wants anything more than a friendship with me. I want to know what's wrong with me but my friends refuse to say anything if I ask. I know it must be a hard question to answer as someone's friend but idk, it just gets to me sometimes having been single for so long. Idk I guess I'm just venting to y'all because I don't want to vent to my friends anymore. | self.depression |
Im unsure about a couple things I recently found out that my cousin who I grew together with is in jail. I am a year older than him and although we were close as kids we've kind off drifted apart. I feel sad about the situation because of our history but i dont know if i feel sad that he his in there if that makes sense. I feel as if im mourning the end of our childhood together not neccesarily his imprisonment. The other thing im uncertain about is my relationships, in the beggining of last year a coworker and i became very close this extended over into a friendship, she and i were really cool. We would talk regurlarly and shit but she stopped replying to my text lately, i see her at work and she will come up to me and talk and then ignore me this happened exactly after the holiday rush. Im not upset really because she has the right to do whatever she wants but id like an explanation.
| self.offmychest |
Just got an ativan prescription! How to balance feeling tired/Caffeine? I have a psych eval coming up in January, but got a script for Ativan to last me at least until then. Success.
The thing is, I'm already exhausted from the lack of sleep and panic attacks. I'm sure that taking this for a few days will help me get back on track, but I really don't want to be a sleepy zombie. My ideal state would be to have improved focus from my usual anxious/exhausted cycles.
Does anyone know the effects of mixing Ativan with caffeine? Are they interacting neurologically with the same chemicals, potentially cancelling one another out? Can I take Ativan to chill my anxiety, and caffeine for alertness, and have them be complementary?
**Edit:** While waiting for responses here I did some research. Turns out both lorazepam and caffeine affect the GABA neurotransmitters. Caffeine inhibits GABA release and causes more nerve transmissions, while lorazepam enhances the effects of GABA. So even though they aren't having an exact opposite effect, it really is a balancing game.
**Sources:**
[GABA & Caffeine](http://www.denvernaturopathic.com/news/GABA.html) (search "caffeine")
[GABA & Lorazepam](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorazepam) (search "gaba") | self.Anxiety |
Doc saw me for like ten minutes and doubled my buspirone to 30mg. I want a second opinion. Like the title says I finally got an appointment with my primary and she didn't really talk to me much. Ask me how long I've been on the buspirone and if it's been helping. Then when I I told her that recently the inside has been worse but yes it's been helping she just doubled my dosage to 30 mg. I really don't feel like she took the time to understand my situation. She didn't give me more advance so I'm going to have to wean myself off of that. I don't know that I feel safe taking 30 mg of buspirone. And I don't know how I'm going to react to doubling my dosage. I'm thinking about taking 20 mg for the first few days till I get acclimated and then moving up to 30. I really want to go see another doctor. One who actually has the time and wants to help me.
I only have five Ativans left. And I can feel my anxiety is really bad tonight so I'm going to have to take a whole one tonight. Which means I'm only going to have for Ativans to wean myself off of in the next few days. Am I too worried about the doubling of my dosage? Is this normal? | self.Anxiety |
Not sure who else to ask... I need advice from kids who’ve been hospitalized for depression. I’m mom to a wonderful son who was unexpectedly hospitalized for depression and suicidal ideation three days ago. This is the first time anyone in our family has been diagnosed or treated for depression. His dr. has started him on a mild anti-depressant and wants to keep him for 2-4 more days.
He has called me begging to be discharged. He says I’m the only one he trusts and he needs to come home.
His dad, adult siblings, stepdad, and I are all in shock and only want what is best for our boy. All of us knew he was depressed about a recent break up, but none of us realized he was this unhappy.
My question is this: How do I help him through this? What did you need to know/hear from your family members? How do I safeguard the trusting relationship we have/had if he feels I am betraying him by getting him help he needs? Will we ever have the same relationship?
The “handbook” I received from the hospital is all about legal and medical regulations and visiting hours (1 hr., 3 days/wk), nothing about what to and not to say to help, and certainly nothing about how to handle the kinds of phone calls I received last night.
Before I see him tonight (for the first time since he was admitted), what should I know? I’m thankful for any advice you can offer.
I hope this is okay to ask here, if not please direct me to the right thread.
Thank you so much, and I hope everyone on this subreddit finds peace & joy.
UPDATE: We (Mom, Dad, Stepdad, and Brother) all met with kiddo tonight. It went better than I expected and I definitely felt more prepared for this first visit thanks to your responses.
Kiddo wasn’t happy about not being busted out then and there, but he did seem to accept that we all love him to bits and really will have him discharged as soon as the dr. gives us the green light.
Long road to go, and the emotions in play are confusing and scary, but tonight felt like we are at least starting from an okay place.
Hugs. | self.depression |
I can't do this anymore I'm 2.5K miles away from the only place I've ever known as home.
Depression, Anxiety, and whatever other messed up shit in my head followed me here. I left thinking I'd be escaping it all, and that a "fresh start" after a year of nothing but disease and death and funerals was what I needed.
I'm twenty-three, female, and I don't even feel like I exist anymore. I moved to this city to live with my best friend (her girlfriend and another person) thinking its what I needed. I never went to college, I've been juggling odd jobs and retail positions since I graduated high school. I can't seem to make friends let alone someone stupid enough to actually date me.
I can't seem to do anything right. I have nothing I'm "good at", and have no skills to do anything with my life. I'm too fat to even be someone's trophy wife or escort.
I'm nothing. A waste of space, and a drain on anyone that takes me on as their charity case of the month. My family doesn't miss me or even at like there was a void to fill when I moved out. My only "friend" doesn't even talk to me most days, and I live in the same apartment as her.
My cat might love me. I think. He's an older boy though, so he'll be okay without me.
I wish I could be more, but I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. Which is why I'm cutting my life short. I'm doing nothing with my time here, and I'll never amount to anything either. I hope death is nothing, so at least I'll never be a disappointment there.
I'm sorry. I had dreams once upon a time, but now all I want to do is stop this gnawing emptiness in me. | self.SuicideWatch |
Don't have the guts to get help because of my family [deleted] | self.depression |
dont care about anything at all anymore. Everything's been just rough lately.. I've been through too much shit. I thought it would change one day, All I wanna do is sleep get high and drunk. People like me generally and I know that but I have no interest in anybody. I have No Interest in girls I think are attractive. I Jus gotta chill I guess. | self.depression |
I wish I were one of the beautiful people [deleted] | self.depression |
I’m coming to realize that life just loves to keep f****** with me this year... anyone got some advice for any of this? [deleted] | self.offmychest |
"I'll be alright" I've said this so many times, because I know when (or if) I don't say it, I'll just get vacant looks.
I've gotten through everything until now, and I'm sure I'll make it somehow, but damn it's hard to be your own support.
I've just had to go through a lot, a year ago exactly I wasn't even expecting to survive my attempt. But I'm here, and I've tried hard to change things, I'm looking to graduate high school soon with really good grades this time.
It feels like when I complained no one really had anything to say, and now when I don't complain they seem _bothered_ when I do.
Like gosh, just give me time to recover, that's all I'm saying. I am trying my best over here. | self.depression |
My brother opened up. It hit me hard, how can I help him? I'm not someone that cries easily or reacts at all and this time it was the hardest I've ever tried to hold it in.
We were in my car, waiting for our takeaway. He's been craving hot dogs for a while and I finally found time to take him. As usual, I brought his grades and school up. I hated talking about school at his age but I suppose being an adult makes you forget that. I asked him why his grades were so low.
He paused for a minute, looked out the window and said. "I was depressed then."
I froze. I couldn't look back at him because I was holding back the urge to cry.
My little brother, the one I saw grow and made laugh countless times. The one I made cry and then tried to bribe him to stay quiet. I guess that sets the trend, always silencing him and hiding emotion.
Not sure what hit me the hardest, realizing that he was going through things and I was too busy, too careless to realize or was it that he trusted me enough to up.
"Depression happens" my voice cracked, I cleared it. I needed time to phrase my words correctly. If I mishandle this, he'll never open up again. I've talked to depressed friends before, they told me I'm shit at it.
I couldn't be shit at it this time, I'm human, right? I must have some sentiment in me.
"You just have to work through it." No, that makes it seem like it's normal. Idiot
"But you need to talk to someone. If you don't tell us, we won't know, and we can't help you.
Say it, tell him how much it means to you that he opened up. Say it!
"Mom told me to check up on you. I guess I should have trusted a mother's instincts."
"Was this when Dad was in jail?"
"Yea." He was quiet through my whole time mumbling. The silence must have been torture for him, not knowing how I would react. Whether I would call him out for being weak. After all, we're men, we can't afford to let emotions misguide us. Growing up with three older brothers, that's probably the reaction he expected. We were always tough on him, sometimes too tough. | self.depression |
Sometimes I get so freaking frustrated and resentful. Holidays, amiright? My mom spends them all eating, reading, and watching Netflix. According to her, she 'barely eats through the day' and then 'needs a big, main meal that makes up most of the calories'. Yeah, mom, you DO eat through the day. You're a grazer. You keep snacking on crackers and cheese, and putting mermelade on everything.
And then, when the main meal comes, you eat like a goddamn hoover (then you wonder why you're gaining weight).
THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM IF YOU HELPED IN THE KITCHEN. But you don't, ever. Today, I cooked a big package of chicken breasts, nearly a kilo, and YOU DEVOURED THEM. They were supposed to last until tomorrow, at the very least! Now I have to figure out what we're going to eat tomorrow, on top of cooking Christmas dinner (alone).
The most frustrating part is that, when I snapped about this (which, I know, I shouldn't have), the best you can come up with is 'take-out' or 'going out to eat'. I don't want to have to do that! I don't want Chinese and pizza during our family christmas time! I JUST WANT A LITTLE FUCKING HELP IN THE KITCHEN, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK.
And then you get whiny and huffy at me snapping, AND I KNOW I'M WRONG, FUCK, but I just remember all the times that YOU snapped. All your failings as a parent, all your freak-outs, all the times you slapped me for petty backtalk.
And then also comes how you didn't give me a proper talk about my brother's sickness. Most I know from it has come from HIM. And you wondered why I was a jealous child. Now that I'm an adult, I can see clearly how you shut me out in some topics, like I'm some stranger, and not my brother's sister.
And then comes that time in my teens when you left me to live with my grandmother, whose health and eyesight were failing. Getting rid of a troublesome teen, and finding free care for your elderly mom. Was a sweet deal, eh? Yeah, you claim not to remember that time you tried to forbid me from going to the movies with my cousins because I had to look after grandma, but I do remember. You claim that you didn't call for months because you don't like to talk on the phone, or because you were to busy with my brother, but I'm pretty sure you were glad to be rid of me. Those lonely months tormented me for years to come.
I love you. But you never apologized for anything. You were 'trying to do your best'. And I know that's probably true, but you were WRONG, and I resent you.
If you never apologized, why should I have to?
(I probably will still. Sigh.) | self.offmychest |
apparently my IQ isn't high enough to handle the captcha robot test tried signing up on my PC and captcha deemed me a robot so i had to sign up with my phone...the ironic part is captcha is a robot in itself | self.offmychest |
TW Suicide/Self harm Fucking doctors are shit, been spiralling down very very quickly went from self harm on Wednesday and Friday to being awake all night thinking about how to kill myself. Psych is so busy that my appointments are 2 months apart. I told my doctor the way I feel I will be dead before my next appointment. All he said was I will write to psych and see you again in a weeks time. Is he not fucking listening to me, I could be dead by then, I told him this, made it very clear that the bottom is fast approaching and I can't stop what's coming by myself. He suggests coping strategies, well you can stick that, I'm way past coping. | self.SuicideWatch |
I hardly ever cry but I've been crying for the last 32 hours at least. I just want my cat. He was my reason for living. He was like a child to me. My heart feels so hollow, ragged and empty. | self.SuicideWatch |
I might be "failing" a class this semester For context, I am a high school senior due to graduate late March. The entire time I was in school, I was on the honor roll. Last year, I was considered top contender for valedictorian.
The class in question is AP Physics. For some reason, I always find a way to screw up the exams. Be it inputting the wrong values in the calculator or forgetting to convert certain values, I always screw up. It also doesn't help how whenever we have an exam, the entire period (an hour) isn't allotted for the exam. Rather, only a portion of the time is used for the exam (most of the time, around 20 minutes), so we don't get the chance to recheck our answers. But I digress. This is something I believe to be my fault and not the teacher's.
Why the quotation marks on failing? That's because getting a 70 is considered passing, but getting a grade below 85 will automatically disqualify you from getting any sort of honors at graduation. It doesn't matter if you scored a 100 in all the other subjects. It doesn't matter if you scored a 100 in that one subject next semester. If you get a grade below 85, you are done. I'm worried that my grade for AP Physics will be one that is below 85. My teacher never returns our scores aside from those of the major exams. I failed my midterms and I'm not too confident about my finals. I took up extra credit work, but I'm not sure if that'll be enough to pull my grade to an 85.
All my life, I have been told that I am smart. I never believed that, really. I just thought that I got the grades I did because I worked hard for it. This year, it seems as though no matter how hard I'm trying, I'm not getting positive results. And now I'm worried about what my family, my friends, and my batchmates are all going to say. I know this problem seems trivial because I'm going to graduate, regardless, but I'm not used to this. I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm all the synonyms that describe someone with fear. It hurts to imagine how I might be the only person among my group of friends to not wear a medal come graduation day. It hurts to imagine how all the years I spent getting my grades up might go to waste for "failing" a single class. I've spent most of my high school going home late, staying awake at night (sometimes not sleeping at all for a day), and declining many offers to hang out with friends. I feel like I've wasted my time.
Why do I let academic honors define me? Why do I try so hard all the time? Why do I set standards for myself when I know that not meeting these standards are just going to hurt me? Why do I say I don't care about being called smart, but feel depressed every time people think I'm not? Why do I care at all?
Someone hold my hand. I'm afraid. | self.Anxiety |
I relapsed hard into a new low. I guess I was too wishful into thinking that after finally talking to my mom about ALL my problems that I never told her before, especially from my childhood, that things would be a little better at home. Sadly, my parents had a huge fight about our tenants this past weekend that was so loud and angry that it triggered me back to my childhood. However, instead of crying like I usually do or even being angry, I just feel...numb and a bit guilty. Hell, my brother got more of the verbal abuse from my dad than I did and he forgave him, but I just can't bring myself to do it. There must be something wrong with me... | self.depression |
How should I feel when medication is working? I know this is a really subjective and broad question. I'm having a hard time knowing if my medication is actually working well enough or if I should be asking for a change from my doctor.
It's definitely doing something. My episodes are definitely not AS intense or AS long, but I'm still having them. I'm still getting clearly hypomanic, just not fully manic anymore. Since my manias have stopped my depressions have pretty much stopped too. But I'm still going hypo for weeks, then normal for a bit, then hypo for weeks.
Should I be asking to switch meds? My doctor doesn't seem very concerned, but I'm making terrible impulsive decisions while hypo and I'm really regretting them after. All I'm on is Valproic Acid, 500mg 3x day | self.bipolar |
Just can't explain whats going through my head My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I have a very very hard time explaining to him the anxiety I go through all the time. My chest is usually tight, I feel a lump in my throat. The thing is, I have a terrible time pinpointing what i'm bothered about or how i'm feeling, I can't even understand it myself. I just know I feel horrible and he gets frustrated that he can't understand what's wrong or how to help. In turn I get frustrated because i'm realizing that I don't understand my emotions or how to deal with them. I'm just lost at what to do about it. | self.Anxiety |
It's a small gesture but it's made me so happy! One of my friends asked to trade numbers so we can on be on each others list of emergency contacts and people to contact in case of health issues.
In the grand scheme of things, I know this is pretty small. But I've had a hard time making friends who care about me. Most of my past friendships have been toxic or one sided. So I having a friend that give a fuck about me, which this friend does, and my feelings is wonderful! I know it's just a small gesture but it's made so happy I could cry. | self.offmychest |
I need your help please! It's been 6 weeks since I last had contact with my best friend. I've been trying to contact him but to no response. However I was contacted by his mum and was told he is suffering from serve depression and social anxiety. As a result he isolated himself from all his friends.
What should I do? Should I just turn up at his house or should I wait longer till the medication he is taking starts working. I'm really concern for him, I just want my friend back. | self.depression |
I got promoted I started my job 3 months ago after my second stay of last year in the hospital. I was so nervous I'd let my mental health screw up this new opportunity.
But I've some how managed to suceed even though I've had an episode and today had a meeting with the CEO and General Manager and was promoted.
They said I was an asset to the company and agreed to allow me to work mainly from home and around my post grad and even boot camp commitments while more than doubling my hours.
I am so happy right now. I doubted for so long I could actually 'do life' but it is starting to go ok and I'm working in my dream industry.
Keep faith everyone!! | self.bipolar |
Just wish I had someone to talk to So much stress right now. And no real friends to talk with. 2017 has been a huge weight emotionally, financially. Wife has been nursing and sleeping with our little one since she was born a year ago. I wish I could get a new job. Somewhere with culture and appropriate payment.
I am thankful for a beautiful wife, 2 amazing kids, and a roof over our heads.
I guess it’s good for me to type out a little here and re-read it while being anonymous.
What do guys usually do? I suppose I haven’t had a true friend I could rely on since high school. | self.offmychest |
State of Dread? Hey all! First time posting. For some context I have Bipolar II and have some form of anxiety, but what specific form of anxiety I have is undiagnosed. My mood shifts have diminished pretty notably recently, since I started taking testosterone, but I was a little late (1 day) in taking my dose this week due to traveling during the holidays. The past few days I've been experiencing a constant, usually muted feeling of dread that is giving me violent intrusive thoughts and interfering with my ability to work and have pleasant or even very useful interactions with people. I'm not worried about hurting anyone, or myself, but I am scared and would like them to go away. It sometimes feels like there is something behind my eye and I can't get it out. I am not on any medication but recently I've been considering getting connected to a therapist and getting on an anti-anxiety medication again, I'm just very sensitive and have found that taking even quarter doses of my old one (25 mg Hydroxyzine) knocks me out for a couple hours. I do not feel that my current anxiety level would keep me awake enough to balance this side effect out. Is there anything that has helped you all with this? I don't know what to do. I know you all can't give medical advice but even just knowing others go through similar stuff would help. | self.Anxiety |
How to safely break up with a suicidal partner? [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm such a failure that I would probably even fuck up suicide. Every time I feel like killing myself, I can vividly imagine calling poison control or 911 with tears streaming down my face after deciding to back out of my attempt. I just wish there was a painless, instant "stop living" button so there could be no middleman and I could just die instantly.
In fact, I know that I'm so incapable of killing myself that I wake up every morning lamenting the fact that some sort of undiagnosed terminal disease hadn't killed me in my sleep. Every day I hope that I end up the victim of involuntary manslaughter in some kind of freak accident, just because I know I would bitch out of suicide. Fuck everything. I'm going to cry myself to sleep and pray that I fucking die during. | self.SuicideWatch |
Anxiety/depression might be ruining my life.... What’s good. Call me E... when I was young, i was involved in a very bad car accident which almost left me dead. Following the car accident, I’ve had numerous neurological issues come and go getting less less of a problem as i grow older. I’ve always had traces of anxiety especially in school, but nothing that would stop be from doing what i desired. Fast forward it to February 2017, where I experienced a very subpar acid trip which left me emotionally broken, depressed, and anxiety ridden. A week after i took the drug i was so down i spent spring break in my bed unable to find a reason to get back up again. It was a slow process, but eventually i got better coping with it and eventually went back to normal; However, i seem to have lost sight of who i was personality wise. I haven’t officially made a return to social media for about 6 months, my relationships are deteriorating, my motivation is very low damn near nonexistent, and personally i just feel uncomfortable with my life the way it is. I’ve done a good job of masking it, still having close knit friends, girls, etc, but i just can’t connect to people like i used to know how to do so well. I also smoke a lot of weed, and when i do smoke these feelings are suppressed..., but i don’t want to need it to feel normal...I’m still improving but at more often than not, my mind is often wondering when this feeling will end...... i just want to be 100% myself again.... | self.Anxiety |
My anxiety is all physical and won’t go away anyone else like this? | self.Anxiety |
am i still really into you? yep.
and is this still absolutely difficult and paradoxical and inappropriate?
yes!
(just checking.)
i don't think i deal well with being told how to feel in these types of situations, so let's start with some questions, shall we?
1. what do i want from you?
(need might be too scary a word)
everything?
everything with a question mark.
a new experience, i suppose.
loving a non male person for the first time.
and curiosity or the love, which came first ? (i hate to tell you it's the love)
everything i saw as promise, i want to take from you
envelop myself in your sound and still feel
whole
2. what do i want from myself?
to not give this up, whatever this ends up being
to live a free life.
to love deeply because it makes me feel alive and so human.
(is it possible to love nonethically? this is what i don't get about monogamists.)
3. and how does he fit in?
he makes me feel safe, and happy, and valued.
we're like two old blankets together, and i don't want to step outside into the snow.
i don't know where this is going
i just know it'll end someday
| self.offmychest |
i just don't see the point anymore no love from the family, no real love anymore. just daily explosive arguments. friends are gone. "nobody actually cares" i keep thinking. i keep thinking how alone i am. i keep thinking how fucking easy it would be to get rid of myself and be free of this immense and seemingly never-ending bullshit pain. i started hitting the walls in my room, then stabbing them, breaking my hands on them. now i'm hitting myself. i know it's only a matter of time until something pushes me over the edge and i give in. i just need freedom. this is killing me | self.SuicideWatch |
I've been screwing with my own life and future because I hate myself. So I've never really thought myself to be an especially great person. This has been true as long as I can remember in my admittedly short life. However for the past few months I've fallen into a pit of self-loathing the likes of which I've never felt, and I'm terrified it'll end badly if I don't take some sort of action.
More specifically, most things I've tried to do I keep defaulting to the thought that I don't deserve whatever positive benefit comes from it, and as a result I do nothing. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I feel I haven't earned it, and shouldn't be allowed to have it.
I've missed out on a lot of things due to this, thinking I didn't deserve petty things like snacks or going to a friend's house, but as of late I've been depriving myself of things like eating or sleeping. I recall a time about a month ago when I went a couple days without eating anything at all. Hell, after a screaming match with my dad I went to where I store my savings and tore up just over $100 out of thinking I was too stupid and lazy to deserve any money.
This is what brings me to today. Now I'm sure you've caught this by now, but I'm a teenager, in my Senior year specifically. And as a result of my inactivity I've fallen behind on a lot of work, and am failing most of my classes. Today I was pulled out of class to see the counselor and she informed me that with my current grades and percentages in my classes, I am likely going to have to continue attending into 2019. And seeing as my school's grading system is... Difficult to deal with to say the least, there's nothing I can do about it Naturally, this crushed me.
(To clarify, I'm missing several important assignments from the first quarter, but it's school policy that students aren't allowed to turn in work due last quarter.)
I was reasonable enough while talking to her, but the second I left and entered the empty halls I was in tears. And my condition didn't improve throughout the day, even after seeing what friends showed up today.
I know potentially being held back doesn't sound bad, but between my parents who are expecting me to do well and the fact that should I fail I'll more than likely be kicked out is starting to take its toll on me. What brings me here is that today I've been thinking about finally taking that final plunge into the abyss, and a lot more than usual. I've already attempted twice, but both were rather rushed, so it's no surprise how those thankfully turned out. What's really getting to me is the fact that I've actually thought about everything. Who I want my possessions to go to, how I'm gonna do it, and where I'd hide so help couldn't find me.
Now the fact that I'm posting here in the first place shows that I don't want to do this. I want to stop thinking that I don't deserve to graduate. That I don't deserve to have friends. That I don't deserve to be happy. I want to stop abandoning my friends and sitting out in the back until lunch ends.
And this isn't to say I hate my life. I love my mom, and my dad might be a jerk sometimes but I still love him all the same. And I have plenty of nice things, but as a result I feel like I don't even have a reason to be sad in the first place, and feel like an even shittier person. But as of now I don't even know how to being addressing any of these problems. | self.SuicideWatch |
It's my birthday! I fucking deserve to have a good year! 25/2017 you were awful!! 26 HERE I COME! | self.offmychest |
I never had to learn self discipline I had a crazy revelation the other day with my doctor (who also happens to be my therapist)--that I am stable.
This came on by me talking about a recent interview that I had to travel for. After the interview, I ended up in the emergency room. I hadn't eaten in days besides a soda and candy bar every day. I had altitude sickness and had thrown up quite a bit because of a stomach bug--my potassium was extremely low and I had to be hooked up to IVs over night.
He said the big problem was that I wasn't taking care of myself--how did I let myself get to that point?
"I don't know. I'm not depressed at all, I just don't have the motivation to do things like I used to."
He said a bunch of therapist-things that made me realize that my entire life has been pretty much hypomania and depression. In hypomania, I never HAD to have motivation--everything was effortless. Cleaning, big batches of freezer meals, working out, eating super healthy. And when depression hit, I had an 'excuse' to stop doing those things. It was always one or the other.
So now that I am in this in-between--I have no idea how to take care of myself. I've kind of just been waiting for the effortless feeling to come back. Just sitting around until the inspiration comes back. I can't blame it on depression, because I'm not. But I'm so used to the mania making things effortless that I have no idea how to function as a normal human being.
I was excited about my diagnosis because I thought--as long as the depression goes away I will be AWESOME. But I guess I never really thought that was mania. And it's awful that I'll never get it back. But even MORE surprising that the rest of the world is able to struggle and function without the energy and inspiration mania provides.
Just crazy that at 26 years old I am going to have to learn how to take care of myself in the most basic of ways--like eating three meals a day, doing laundry, feeding my pets. What a revelation. | self.bipolar |
I won't be here this time next year. I haven't the faintest idea where I'm going or what I'm doing here. I'm holding a job I don't want and I'm working my way up the ladder quickly, despite delivering what I (and doubtless others) see as subpar work, relative to the people that came before me. I'm not even ready for the position I have, but I took it anyway; I guess because I need to feel some kind of accomplishment, even if it's in the shape of the mundane.
I suppose I should back up a bit; around a year ago I was attending college away from home. During my short-lived career, I followed the same path I always do: procrastinating until the very last moment and then pulling myself out of the fire through a mix of spilled sweat, tormented days, long nights and favors not owed me. This worked until my second semester, wherein the creeping detachment from all I've worked towards and should hold dear and my newfound destructive habits of drinking and smoking became closer bedfellows than I'd bargained for, splitting the former wide into a yawning chasm from which I could not muster the strength to climb from once more. I just let go, drank more, studied less, until I knew that I could no longer support the weight of the dual life I now lived.
You see, my parents were largely paying my way through school; providing me with money to save or spend at my discretion, as well as filling in the gaps that my scholarship would not cover. I'd lied to them, day after day; the sun of their patience all the while sinking ever further past the horizon. I realized around the end of the semester that I was out of time, so late one night, after retreating once more from the harsh cold of sobriety, I called them up, and told them everything.
As you can imagine, they were less than ecstatic to hear what I told them, and not long after that I found myself at a crossroads: stay with my friends to drown in my mistakes, losing my vehicle and phone, or come home to father's sharp-edged acceptance and mother's trapdoor concern. I took the only option I saw myself living through, and came home.
I came back to the same home whose kitchen I'd stood in at 16, shaking like a leaf as my father's words cut at me through gritted teeth, telling me that I "wasn't gay", and that I'd only "told him these lies" to spite him. The same home whose living room I'd stood in a week later, not yet numb to the words my mother would use to break my legs; "not my son", "I will never understand", "this isn't you"... they seep into my skull, only to linger in the fog already present; to fester into rage which would curdle into impotence. I was in that old straightjacket again, and anytime I showed so much as a sign of protest the straps were tightened until I couldn't breathe.
I'm still suffocating.
Fast forward through months of joblessness and go-nowhere counseling and I find myself working in the kitchen of a fast-food joint in the middle of town. It's busy, so busy, which isn't helped by my leaders expecting more of me than I have to offer. I push myself to excel, finding myself sinking into the same void that had consumed me before. I started smoking again, immersed myself in video games and music; anything to not speak to my family, anything to turn my face from the blinding truth that they want me to go back.
I've always hated my education, but on the other side of that coin, I've always been regarded as intelligent; one cannot have the first without the second, but as the prior fades farther from memory, so too does a pillar of my being. I'm splitting between the seams. Even though I'm the only one who can patch myself back up, I'm too weak to raise my arm, to put needle to thread, and if I can't fix me, then no one can.
So here I sit, unraveling, spilling my sobstory to an audience that likely won't care enough to click on it in the first place, much less read it all the way through. I've been on Adderall for a couple of months after finding out I had ADHD for 19 years. I also started lexapro recently, but it's only sapping what little emotion I have left, and it weaves frightful figures and scenes from the nothingness between my eyelids when I try to sleep at night. I'd rather bring all of this to an end than start the cycle again. Regardless, everything is as it was before, and will be again. My rise and descent on this flight are involuntary; I've come so close to hitting the ground each time I fell from the sky... this time, I just need to fall a little bit farther. | self.offmychest |
"Friends don't give a fuck about me" We were walking in a group and they didnt even notice me missing and just continued | self.depression |
Haunted I twist and turn
These shackles burn
A chain which snaps and cracks and stings
It snares and brings that rap tap tap
That looming sound
A burning round
It soars and sings
From hell it brings
A melody haunting, a warning taunting
This devils warmth behind my eyes
Which sings sweet songs so sublime
Through brightest dawn and stormy skies
He stands alone, a test of time | self.depression |
My old chevy truck is oftentimes the only reason I live. It's the one thing thats always there, no matter what. [deleted] | self.depression |
I ran away from my dog once and I feel like I do it again it may be for good. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I'm depressed and can't really find an answer. So you know how like, people say you should live your life to the fullest, ignore the meaning of life because it's you who decides what your life means. Yea, I can understand that. I came to the point where I acknowledged that there's no reason for why I'm here and that the next step is to ignore that fact and do what you want. The problem is that, I just want to have fun. That's not gonna happen though, at least not yet. And it is that "not yet" which makes my mind confused. Right now I'm 18 and will be going to college (hopefully) next year. I know that to be happy you do what you want, rhetoric, but there are limitations.
For example, language barrier, people think I'm an introvert because I don't talk. It is an international school so they knew english. You'd ask why don't I go up to them then. Well, they always speak in the native language so I always feel like I might destroy the atmosphere just jumping into a conversation, but this is a rather minor issue because I do happen to have a few friends.
And of course finding the true love 😍. How happy people say they are. How wonderful it is that I met him/her. I'd like to experience love but when is it gonna happen? They say that one day you'll find the one. Right, ok, sure, fine, I guess I'll wait. It takes a long time. Also, it struck me one day, what is true love? How would I know that I'm in love, I don't know how it feels. How can I tell if it's momentary and not true love?
Whatever the examples, happy things just seem to never really come. When they do, it's just one of those "haha nice meme" momentary happiness. And so I'm just here going along with the flow, I'm clueless, I can't do what (I think at least) makes me happy. Don't know if I will become happy or not, just mindlessly waiting for the time.
There was this quote from doki doki literature club, "Do you ever just feel like there's no real reason for you to be alive? I don't mean in, like, a suicidal way. I just mean how nothing that we do is special. Just being in school, or working at some job for some company. It's like you're completely replaceable, and the world wouldn't miss you if you were gone. It makes me really want to go and change the world after I graduate. But the older I get, the more I realize that it's an immature frame of thinking. It's not like I can just go change the world.". It basically sums up my thoughts, like I can't do everything I want because I'm not old enough yet. Not that I want to change the world but things take time, that's obvious but this waiting time is the problem. When will I be happy? Are the steps that I'm taking leading me to happiness? Is this way of thinking even correct? People say you should find your own answer. I suppose this would be my answer, just wait, but that seems wrong. Don't even know if I'm depressed or just desperate at this point. | self.depression |
It's getting wintry here in the Southern Hemisphere :( I feel like someone has strapped lead weights to my arms and legs. I'm so tired of falling into this pit every time and having to claw my way out. Everything was going so well and I had so much energy...now all i want to do is crawl in bed and sleep for 4 months. Also I know that it's going to be crazy-fucking-busy at work in June and July because that's when tourists come for festival. I can't do this for another year...I just can't :'( Fuck fuck fuckity fuck... | self.bipolar |
Nothing to think or talk about So I got this weird problem...
Over the years I noticed that more and more I am getting to the point where I have nothing to talk about at all. Not just with other people, but even towards myself. I just feel awkward with myself.
People around me just seem to find everything so fascinating and can spend hours opening their mouths and I just feel blocked... what to talk about? what to be interested in?
There is a huge feeling of being disconnected with everyone around me just for that reason and in a way the way i coped with this is that I sort of became a workaholic. It's the only thing that brings any stability in my life, yet it has gotten so bad stressing out over that, I sometimes can't even stand up from stomach pains.
As far as socializing goes, I've been forcing myself to get myself out there for over a decade and am finally coming to terms with the situation - that this might not be the way to handle things.
Does anyone have any experience with this or any suggestions? | self.depression |
The only reason I'm not killing myself is because I don't want to cause this to my family [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Anyone feel like a fraud? I feel like I give off the facade of being a very optimistic, positive, kind person. I constantly am asking my friends how they are doing, and am happy to listen to them vent as long as they need to. I help my friends with their schoolwork if I can, and I give underclassmen advice on classes that I have already taken. I constantly shower my friends, and people I admire with compliments. It's finals week, and I sent out dozens of texts to people today wishing them good luck. I hear people tell me how I'm so kind, caring and compassionate. I don't feel like I'm any of these qualities. I feel like I'm only doing these things for self-gratification, to make myself feel better and try to convince myself I'm not a horrible person. | self.depression |
Why? The question i often ask myself...Why? Whats wrong with me? | self.depression |
I haven’t been able to watch Star Trek since we stopped talling [deleted] | self.offmychest |
How do full-time workers schedule therapy? Hey everybody.
I won't bore you guys with my life story. I have (and have had for as long as I can remember) pretty severe anxiety. I have a good group of friends and a supporting family, but I just started my first job out of college and I think I need to see a therapist.
If I had to prescribe therapy for myself (which I do, and I am), I would say at least twice a month. That being said, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fit that around my work schedule, since at that rate I would burn through all my vacation time like it was nobody's business. I work a full-time 9-5 (5:30 most of the time), and most of the therapists in my area are only available 9-6.
How do you guys out there who see a therapist regularly fit that in to their work schedule? I'm in that hilarious position where I desperately need to see a therapist, but the thought of contacting one (or, realistically, several) and working out the logistics to actually go it stresses me out enough that I put it off.
I'm just not sure what to do, and I guess I'm hoping someone on here has some advice or has worked through this before and knows what to do? | self.Anxiety |
The guy I love died a week ago and I'm a little desperate for someone to talk to My boyfriend passed away last week from a heroin overdose. It was extremely unexpected-I didn't even know he was using and I've been halfway across the world for the past 5 months. I have a lot of support from friends and family but it's starting to feel like I should let them focus on their own lives again.
The problem is I haven't run out of things to say. He was my best friend and first love; we were supposed to get married, have kids and travel everywhere together. All I want to do is talk to him but that's impossible. I know time is the only thing that will help but it's hard to sleep, it's hard to eat and I just don't know what to do right now. It feels weird to be asking strangers for help, but I've really been struggling recently. | self.offmychest |
Cannonballed right back into depression after brother shouted at me. So, it is 7 hours later, and my heart is still pounding. I'm as stiff as a board, so the thrum-thrum-thrumming is particularly noticeable, almost to the extent I feel my body move slightly with the undulating beats. I can't get today out of my head, and it's bringing so many other things back into my mind, and I honestly wish I was dead.
A little background: I am the youngest of 4. I'm 30, my brother Tom is 36 and my sisters, Rebecca and Elizabeth, are 33 (twins, obv.) We were raised primarily by our mother, with a few others chipping in to help a few days a week (mainly my godmother, Eileen.) In retrospect, I understand my mum had serious recurring depression (for reasons I won't go into here), and was obviously very conflict averse.
I've called the siblings behaviour toward me "bullying" and "abuse" (constant name-calling, discussing how much they hated me while I was still in the room, telling me what a nightmare and how difficult I was, the odd punch or trip-up.) However, my siblings and other family members have said that friction is normal in a family and that I take things to heart too much. Family dynamics are strange, and occur naturally. I was, after all, quite isolated from my siblings growing up, due to the age gap, and the fact that the twins had each other's backs from the off, so they had their own little "gang." Except, a lot of this has stayed with me, especially in light of altercations in the last few years.
A few years ago, I completely severed contact from one of my sisters. She hit me 3 times in the face while our mother lay dying in the other room. This was during an escalating row after I told her to stop asking mum questions that confused and upset her (as her mind had deteriorated severely at that point.) Not only did she do that, but when other people asked her about it, she told them that I was making it up, lying to myself and that I am "not well."
After mum died, my brother Tom was the one who kept us all up to date with any news regarding the estate, and would also keep me updated with any other family news that didn't come to me via my aunts. It was nothing major, maybe a few messages a year. I moved back into the family home about 3 months ago as I am in the process of buying a house, and I wanted to save money for the solicitors' fees etc. Tom lives there part-time, as he travels a lot for work. He is rude, abrasive, bad-tempered etc, but he is with everyone, not just me (though I now understand that he may be more rude with me.) Since we've been sharing the same space, we generally keep to ourselves and our own lives, but he has still given me a constant list of things I do that irritate him: I breathe too heavily when I eat, I walk too heavily, I don't bring the washing basket down quickly enough. I've always chalked this up to him being a dick, but shrug.
Today, I was doing the shopping and I texted him to ask if we had red wine. His response was:
"Like I've told you before, no!"
Getting a bit tired of this attitude, I responded "I haven't asked you before."
"Yes you did, last night!"
As fed up as I was, I decided to leave it. Maybe I had asked him, and forgotten. Still, the constant shortness was really wearing on me.
I got in from the shops and he was cooking. His girlfriend was coming over, and I was going to make a couple of sandwiches and take it up to my room to leave them to it. 1 pack of ham holds 5 slices, 2 slices per sandwich. One left over. I asked Tom if he wanted it.
"Oh my god, NO! No, I don't want it! Stop fucking offering me things!"
I should have left it but I was so sick of this constant nitpicking, bad-tempered attitude. I snapped at him "is it just me you're this horrible to?!"
That's when he went into it. He bellowed it.
"I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU VICKY, I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU! I am so FUCKING resentful that I am the one who has to talk to you, just cos you are such CUNT to everyone else. I really fucking hate you." At one point, when he moved towards me, I actually thought he was going to hit me, but he ws just putting something in the bin. Glaring at me with his eyes so wide, breathing like he'd just run a marathon.
I remember thinking "this is no big deal, it's not like I particularly care for you either." "No big deal, I've been here before, with the others." "No big deal, it's not like this is news." Without a word, I finished my sandwich and went upstairs.
Except my attempts to kid myself into being nonchalant didn't work. I sat stone still on my bed for a time, doing what I call my "shutdown." When something hurts me, or I think something might hurt me, I sit still and focus on my insides. I picture my inside like a vast room lined with slatted shutters of steel. One by one, I imagine these shutters coming down and locking into place, cutting out every bit of light that would otherwise come in. I imagine these shutters locking in place, with huge echoing creaks and clangs. Forgive the imagery, but it really is how I've coped with a lot of these situations in the past. It sometimes works.
Except it didn't work. I just began to cry. The bellowing, which shook the kitchen we had stood in, began to reverberate upon me as it replayed in pristine images behind my eyes. I remember gasping desperately, and then thinking about the day Becky punched me. But not thinking.... more I was having very vivid flashes of it without warning, the same high-quality, crystal-cut style in which I will no doubt remember today. "No big deal, been here before, I'm over this." I shook and hugged myself and cried as I told myself that this was nothing new. "I'm scar worn, this is nothing." But it is something, and the state I've been in the last 8/9 hours proves me a failure in my "shutdown."
I really had been doing so much better. I really had been living with my past, as my past, as something I was moving on from. I was even happily living in the building where many of the things that happened...happened. I was even mentally preparing to reconnect with the sisters I had been estranged from, just because I was feeling healthier and stronger, and wanted to remove this last limit from myself, that I was averse to seeing them.
I feel this whole episode has dragged me right back. I have no idea where to live in the meantime - my house sale won't be finished for at least another month, and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep and it's 5am, and my mind is still racing.
I don't know what to do, and I just wish I was dead. Not hyperbole or drama queen, I just wish I wasn't alive anymore. If my family have thought it ok to treat me like this, what is the point? | self.depression |
i hate my life so sick of being poor! im just so mad sometimes that im not born in a better family, i know that youre gonna say, theres people thats worse out there...they dont rven have a crib. yes i know, but my dad got arrested since 5th grade, im 16 now hes still not out. my mom works in a restaurant but she has gambling issues leading to our household being very unstable. my sister was in college but now she has a baby, that lives with us, with no child support. she has no job she lives within. during rain days my house leaks, in summer our ac doesnt work,we worry about our next meal, fees, and debts all the fucking time. since 5th grade i make my own meals because mom was at work and my sister moved yo china for like 1 year but shes no help. shes very smart but shes extremely lazy.(the nerds thats on tv type of lazy) she wouldnt clean the dishes, cook, very nasty room, and she waits for me to come home and do shit for her.
my mom has like a young oersons mindset, where all sje cares about is play. im not saying shes mean, but i can say shes not a good mom whos enthusiastic for her kids. shes irritated of us and shes always w her bf, even on my 16 birthday
i know that im not very dumb, im very intelligent actually but i live in a broke family and every day im jusy like WHY. you guys r all intelligent and shit but why the fuck r we so broke. i had afamily job since i was 13 to get my own shit.
as an asian heritage, my mother would always hate the way i dress. i grew up in fucking america for christs sake. u would think its not something big to get mad about, but she talks about it every single day. "why would u wear loose clothes, you look crazy in those take those off" and the next day she would throw them away witbout my permission. every gime she sees me shes like why r u so ugly, what happened to you, y arent you like my friends kids, they know what to wear, they dont buy cheap clothes, (where tf can i get the money to buy lacoste, vineyard vines abercrom.. when i need to supply most of mt shit?)
with a baby ar home, i cant sleep and i get a shit ton of hw each day and i lowkey have adhd so i cant focus shit. my school is more than 1 hour away (northside) and im starting to give jp on everything
like my family is smart but seeing how they end up really kills my hope in myself being successful
| self.offmychest |
Still in love with a girl who broke up with me [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Welbutrin advice So my seasonal depression is kicking my ass and my pdoc prescribed Welbutrin. I'm on day 4 so it isn't helping yet due to the nature of these meds, but I've noticed that if I take it an hour or later than normal (again 4 days) I cry at everything even more than normal. Panic crying because I'm overwhelmed. Crying over a stray kitty out in the cold. Currently my depression + grief is making me cry at Christmas lights too which is FANTASTIC /s.
Any advice for me? I fucking hate this time of year since my mom passed (Thanksgiving 2015) and if I'm asked one more time where my holiday cheer is I may explode. | self.depression |
What does your medicine combo look like? Just wondering the combinations that other people with BP take
Morning /
50mg Seroquel /
10mg Propanolol /
250mg Depakote /
.5mgAbilify
Afternoon /
50mg Seroquel /
10mg Propanolol
Night /
75mg Seroquel /
150mg trazadone
I feel like this is a good effective combination, how do you feel like your combination works?
Thank you for all the informative responses!
Edit: .5mg of ability not 50mg | self.bipolar |
Those of you who take wellbutrin/bupropion, what is your experience with alcohol? I've been taking wellbutrin (100 mg, twice a day) for two months now, and I have a question for those of you who are also on it and still drink while taking it. I've always liked to have a few drinks once or twice a week and I've pretty much continued with that since starting wellbutrin. However, I've noticed that my tolerance is much lower than it used to be so I'm sometimes getting more drunk than I intend to. I've been researching whether or not skipping a day's dose has any effect on drinking that day, but I can't seem to find an answer. Just wanted to see what other's have experienced.
My reason for asking this question is that my brother's wedding is on Saturday and I know there is an open bar and I will be drinking at the reception. Sometimes at events like this, I tend to lose track of how much I'm drinking due to so much going on as well as just being around people who like to drink. I've never had any major issues in the past (I always make sure to eat plenty of food and try to drink water between drinks). I'm just wondering if skipping my doses of wellbutrin for the day will help my tolerance level at all so that I don't have worry so much about getting too drunk. | self.depression |
Afraid of my phone TW: suicide/grief
Idk if I'm doing this right as I haven't posted in this sub before even though I subbed a long time ago.
My brother is currently suicidal in a city across the country. We are doing our best to help him, but it feels really hopeless. My mom is freaking out. She keeps freaking out at me, especially over the phone as we don't live that near each other in our home city. Now I'm afraid of my phone. Every time it rings or buzzes I go into an immediate full on panic attack. I'm confused as to what I'm expecting that's making me feel like this. Like maybe at most that he's dead or at least no one can reach him? Idk but it's killing me. Most of the time when my phone rings or buzzes it's a friend messaging me or notifications from various apps, but I still feel the panic every time. When it is someone calling me, like it was this morning, the panic attack is debilitating even if the news is good/neutral.
My mom called me this morning. I was at work and my bosses were there so I had to decline the call. I then had to wait 10 minutes until they left to call her back. By the time I called her I was shaking and in tears. I talked to her and the news was neutral, everything is still the same. But I got so jacked from the panic attack that it's effects are still going on. Why??? I'm still shaking. I'm sick to my stomach. I feel like crying. I have no idea how to get rid of this. I know techniques for dealing with a panic attack while it's happening, but how do I calm down after? How can I stop being afraid of my phone? Any tips or personal experiences are welcome | self.Anxiety |
Every little inconvenience I encounter makes me want to kill myself. I dropped a bit of toothpaste and immediately wanted to slap myself for being such a disappointment. My parents had a little argument and I feel like it's my fault. I hate this feeling. | self.depression |
I called a suicide hotline once. It was three years ago, on my birthday. I called in the middle of the night, sobbing, telling them that I didn't feel like I could do this anymore. And how did the lady on the other end respond?
"You're focusing too much on the negative. You need to do something. Why don't you try making a collage?"
A fucking collage.
I was so flabbergasted that I told her "never mind, I'm fine now" and hung up. Obviously I didn't end up going through with it since I'm writing about it now.
I guess the whole point of my post is that I have that same feeling now. There's nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. If I want a laugh, maybe I can call another hotline and get more shitty advice, but I don't have much faith in their ability to help me.
Hate to sound so negative--but I've been crawling along for the last ten years now trying to make it work and nothing does. Nothing does. | self.SuicideWatch |
Can someone give me an excuse to not go on a bbq gathering with my college classmates because i don't want to deal with humans. Thanks, seriously though help I need a 'legit' excuse. | self.depression |
Well, I dropped the bomb about my mental state. [deleted] | self.depression |
Worried addiction is going to end me. I'm spiraling.... and I've 100% lost my impulse control. Had a bunch of bad stuff happen at one time (lost job and car) I can't tell if I am tired or wired anymore. I've turned to much heavier drugs using every week almost daily and I'm afraid what's happening. Basically I would really appreciate someone talking me though the crash and burn...of course I don't really deserve it, but I just thought I'd let someone know. | self.offmychest |
Cutting Why does it relieve me of the pain and emotional distress I feel? Besides that, I find it fun in a sick way. Watching the very thing that can keep me alive flow down my skin. | self.depression |
I've completely had it with life. My life is complete dogshit. I live a miserable existence of work and going home and any type to step out of that results in a depression event. The loneliness just makes me want to kill myself. In fact I had spent the last two months waking up to the thought of wanting to kill myself.
These feelings subsided and I made one last ditch effort at trying to date. Somehow I managed to get two dates only to find the woman deciding our date was "just a hang out". I expressed my fatigue and despondence with even trying to find someone to the one friend I can talk about relationships to. Only to be shit on by that "friend" because "the woman can do what she wants"(Yeah, no fucking shit. And I can be depressed from being constantly rejected by all women). I just want to die. | self.depression |
no!!!! I’ve messed it up again. I’m not gunna sleep tonight. WHY AM I SO AWKWARD [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Not wanting to get better Just some little background: I've been severely depressed, suicidal and self-harming over the last 5-6 years. This year, I have been to a mental Hospital because I couldn't handle my Situation any longer, and my condition really has improved since I'm out again and continuing therapy. But I've also noticed that everyone I'm close to got to know me better because of my mental health issues, no one of my close friends or my boyfriend know a "healthy me". I'm worried that everything is going to break apart if I get better, that I won't watch out for signs of struggle in others any More and that I'll be a completely different Person once therapy is over.
Additionally, I'm not really comfortable any More with "being fine", it makes me nervous and sometimes gives me panic attacks..
I don't feel ready to Tell my therapist and I don't want to Tell my boyfriend or friends since I don't want them to get anxious about my state or trying to get me to wanting to improve..
| self.depression |
I am so very tired I'm tired of my family not wanting me to get a job to help home when we clearly need all the help we can get. I'm tired of my anxiety and depression. I'm tired of the friends that don't understand that I don't have money or the urge to go out. I'm tired of always being the poor friend. I'm tired of looking for a answer. I'm tired of my body, my face, the fact that I think nobody will ever love me because I'm hideous. I'm tired of always being the socially awkward girl. I'm tired of not being able to come out as pan. I'm tired of university and the friends that don't actually care. I'm tired of not having a mother or a father or someone I can rely on to hold me when things go rough. I'm just tired but mostly I'm tired of being myself and I'm tired of this life. | self.offmychest |
Just started a 3 month trip around the world and faced an anxiety attack on day one [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Medication commercials Drive me crazy! It seems they are the only commercials on certain channels and once they start reading off all the side effects, even though I'm not on the medication, I feel like I have all of these horrible conditions. I try to skip them of course, but if I'm not around the remote and one comes on, I actually go, "La la la la" and close my ears until it's over. | self.Anxiety |
Does it really get better? I feel like I’ve been at this really low point in my life for a long time now and I can’t seem to see the end of it, and I don’t know what to do to change it. I can hardly remember how I felt before I began feeling this way. Is there really going to be a time where I’ll be back to my old self or happier than I ever was before again? | self.depression |
What to do when mania suppressants run out? I'm at my wits end here. For real.
I didn't take my Risperidone last night, which is the only thing keeping me from being a raving, manic bitch all the time. It's technically a mood stabilizer, but it mostly affects my manias, so that's why I'm calling it a mania suppressant.
Anyway, I have a LONG day ahead of me, my fiance left all my medication in another town, and I'm generally too much to handle right now. My mania also tends to manifest in EXTREME irritability and pissy-ness, which isn't ideal when I'm supposed to be supporting my fiance and his band tonight and he relies on me to keep him positive about his performance.
Pretty much all I can do right now is drive to Walmart. Is there anything I can do/use/take that will keep me from being this way?
I'm already manic as hell and desperate for an out. Please, please help. | self.bipolar |
I lost 5 hours of work edditing So i started working on a video at 16:00 using sony vegas pro 15
at 19:00 i saved because i remember to save for once. i started another youtube video and began edditing again. at aproxemently 19:45 i acheved flow. now when i'm in flow i can work for rediquless amounts of time as if i was binging Death Note. I loose almost all sense of time. at one point i thought it was 20:00 when in acctualety it was 22:00. Sony vegas is a program which it the time i bought it cost 200$.
I dedicated more RAM to preview because i need to be able to watch my video when i edit to catch any obvius mistakes like a weird Key frame or a missplaced edit. at the same time, for some odd reason sony vegas began acting slow for anything that was not the preview itself or keyframing. everything else was running at 2 frames a second trying to run at 30. this caused a lot of lagg. I don't know what causes this but i suspect it is that sony vegas 15 first draws from the alocated original memory for the program insted of taking up spare ram. now when i use a prgram i have a tendensy to make desisions before i think and then redact those desisions before trying something new emidiatly after rince and repeate until i acheve the desired result. At 00:00 i did this for about 5 assolations in the span of 0.5 seconds to 1 second. this was too much for sony vegas pro 15 to handle and it promptly crashed. it then said it would go back to the last auto save.
God dammit i thought, that'll be 30 minuits to an hour of progress lost.
god was i wrong.
it turns out i doen't auto save every hour nor at regular intervals at all or any intervals for that matter. THE ONLY TIME IT AUTOSAVED WAS AT 7PM WHEN I LAST SAVED. THE EXACT SAME FILE AS I SAVED AT THAT MOMENT WAS NOW SARING ME IN THE FACE USING A PROGRAM SAYING FUCK YOU IN IMPACT. I FELL APART. I HAD JUST WORKED 5 HOURS OF TEDIUS WORK FOR NOTHING. NOTHING. YOU WOULD EXPECT A 200$ PROGRAM TO BE ABLE TO DO WHAT LIBRE OFFICE DOES. INSTED IT NOT ONLY DIDN'T DO THAT IT THOUGHT THE RIGHT TIME TO AUTOSAVE WHAT THE EXACT SAME TIME I MAUALY SAVED.
but you know the worst part. no matter how much looking i did i could not find a single way of writing a formal letter of complaint. sony for some reason doesn't have an esaly acceseble complaints department. where i could say that PACKEGING A BETA PRUDUCKT WHERE ALLOT OF THE FUNDEMENTAL FETURES YOU WOULD EXPECT FORM A CREATIVE PROGRAM AUTO SAVE ARE MISTERUSLY MISSING AND WHERE RAM RELOCATION FUCKS OVER THE PROGRAM TO NEARLY UNUSEBLILETY.
just for clarification i have 16 gigs of ram. i gave the preview 6 GB. i did not use any other programs than google crome. an inactive discord and TS and Steam.
while i do recognise that it it somwhat my foult for not saving every 15 min i was in a state of flow not able to think about saving. i also may have posted this to the wrong sub but im knda new at this whole reddit thing. | self.offmychest |
Unavailable Opportunities There is so much potential. So much that can be accomplished. So many goals that can be reached. So many things that can be created and made.
But, in my way to reaching what I want, is this quicksand called depression. I have to go forward, but no matter what I do, I'll keep sinking.
There are online communities dying for this game, me and another guy are planning to make. Already, we have supporters reqularly asking if we've made any progress. I feel the urge inside of me to finish the game, it would make me so happy; to look at my long and hard effort and work. To see an alive community around what I've helped create.
But, I can't get started. My depression is crippling me, and as I can't get started I keep spiraling down the drain of self-loathing.
I have people who are ready to form a band with me, but I can't do it. I got into learning guitar, but depression hit me like a rock and as I got hit, I dropped it all.. Unable to pick it up again.
I could've done good in my last year of studying. I could've finished my freelance project, fixed my schedule, stayed in touch with friends and acquaintance, organized concerts like I used to.
But I fail all of this, like I fail grades in school.
I keep self-loathing more and more, and it's unbearable. Please end it in my sleep. | self.depression |
It’s my (28F) birthday and i can’t help but feel overwhelmingly sad. Everything in my life is pretty good, so i really have nothing to complain about. My family is alive and well and i have great friends. But for the past few years, I’ve felt really depressed on my birthdays to the point where all i want to do is lay in bed and cry or distract myself from celebrating it.
I think i start to ruminate over the passage of time and fixate on the things I’ve yet to accomplish. I thought I’d at least be in a stable relationship at this point, but I’ve been working on my PhD for the past 5-6 years.
Does anyone else ever feel this way on their birthday? | self.depression |
My therapist told me something that I know I need to believe but am struggling to internalize: 'You are not a problem. You don't need to be fixed. You don't need to be 'solved'' | self.depression |
And then... I remember Some days I wake up and I’m exuberant. The world is full of promise! I am going to get so much done, and be so productive! Maybe, maybe things aren’t as bad as I make them out. And then... I remember. The pain of all the past rejections and embarrassments, the loneliness, the soul-crushing despair... it all floods back. C’mon, brain! Give me one day, just one day... when I am happy. | self.depression |
I've just watched the Daniel Shaver video and I have no words... I just hate him so much. He just loves the power doesn't he? I can't even imagine what should be done to him, but he needs to suffer. This is no threat by the way because I'm not an animal like him, but fuck does he deserve real pain.
Edit: I meant the cop who shot him. | self.offmychest |
Holy crap that was intense.... So I had a session with my therapist today. We finally dove into the nitty gritty of why I feel the way I do about myself.
We talked about some of the things my parents put me through as a kid. Some of the things they do now to make me feel the way I do. And pinpointed the single moment in time that cemented my feelings and how I think of myself.
That realization left me crying for a good hour afterwards. But it was a good, healing, purging cry. Afterwards I sat down and went through the times I felt slighted, disappointed or treated like an afterthought in my life and realized that all those moments that made me feel like less of a human being were because of issues those people have and not anything I caused.
For example. I got out of the psych ward two weekends ago after getting so low that I was sure I wanted to take my own life. My husband's family, who are amazing, loving and supportive people came up and helped him while I was in, and his mother stayed with me for a week when hubby went back to work so that I would be safe and not alone while I adjusted back to my life. (I absolutely adore his family). My mother said she would stay with me after his mother left. She came for a few hours (she lives 1.5 hours away) , took my daughter shopping for her birthday, then left because she had some stuff to do.
It really made me feel once again like I meant nothing to her. My mother and father both treat me like an afterthought, and my older brother like the Golden child.
My dad said he wanted to call me when I was in, but I only put my husband and daughter on the call and visitor list so he couldn't. When I got out....nothing. Business as usual. I reached out to him and we went out to dinner and all he did was grill me on what it was like and my meds. Then boasted about never taking meds himself and how he never would.
I've decided to start distancing myself from my parents. I truly feel they are toxic to my well being. It sucks...because I do love them and I know deep down they are good people, but they are both extremely selfish.
Thankfully I have my husband's family. They are amazing and I am truly thankful to have them in my life every day. | self.depression |
I've reached a point in my life where I'm just in an extremely tight, inavoidable situation Hello, I'm pretty much posting here because I don't know who to talk to. I suffer from social phobia and school phobia which is really a pain for me. And it's started to really get in the way of things.
This year is my last year of high school, and the issue is that i'm at my most 'vulnerable' state as of now, i'd say. Everything is going to shit. Unlike my previous years of school, where I could put up with going there and all and somehow manage to keep good grades. I now feel just unable to go there anymore without losing my shit internally and asking myself if it was really worth going there to put myself throught all of that intense anxiety that I'd have to put up with for years.
Now I've lost all motivation to go there at all, I cannot force myself hard enough to go there, and stay there anymore. Hell, I even started skipping a few classes when I go there because I panick way too hard. So I just keep swinging from 'not going there' for a few days to going a few days because I remind myself that if I don't finish up school, I won't get the job I want, and my life will go to absolute shit, and it would become real survival.
Basically, i'm stuck in a paradox, I need to go to school for my dreams to become true, but I can't anymore, and my grades are dropping as my sanity is. I've tried discussing it with my school, they've given a few solutions which ended up finally with a custom time schedule, but even that isn't enough anymore. And now, they're out of solutions, and so is my family and me.
I feel completely screwed and I feel like everything is about to go down to absolute hell for me soon. What do I do? | self.depression |
My dad hears my phone calls and holds it against me. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
because i had a little bit of weed, No one believed my 'episode' was caused by lamictal [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Moving out to live alone - Terrified I'm a 22 year old girl and I've been living with my parents up until now. Tomorrow I'm going to sign the contract for an apartment and move in immediately, and I'm so scared. I've been dreaming about this moment for ages and it's taken me longer than I expected because of my anxiety and depression, but now that it's happening I just want to back out. The thought of living on my own is exciting mostly for the freedom. But I can't stop thinking about how I'm probably never going to live with my family again. I'm not moving far so I can still visit and sleep over when I want to.. It's just this weird feeling. I want life to be just the same because it feels safe, and I don't want to let go of my childhood. I've struggled with separation anxiety and been extremely scared of and anxious about my parents growing old and dying which is why I think it's so hard to do this. I want to be with them all the time but I also don't want to be a burden or depend on them forever. I just wanted to share this somewhere to get some of the anxiety off my chest tonight. I don't know how I'll be able to sleep tonight, or tomorrow when I'll be in a new bed. If anyone has any similar feelings or tips on how to deal with them I'd appreciate it so much. | self.Anxiety |
Struggling with mental health issues really blows Just a bit of backstory: My mom was/is abusive, I ended up with some SEVERE mental health issues. I'm on disability for it actually.
To get straight to the point here. Got married, had kids, got divorced. Mental health issues got in the way of raising kids. A family member officially adopted them about 2 years ago or so. It was a tough decision, but it was the right thing to do. Ex hub was/is... a piece of work to put it in nice terms....
But anyway. One of my kids birthday parties was today. I try to be as involved in their lives as i can be. They know who i am, etc, unlike my ex husband.
This year a lot more kids and parents went than usual. There was a lot of parents. A loooot of kids. I don't know how to interact around adults let alone children. Two of the parents kept staring at me which was pretty fucking rude (and no that wasn't just paranoia or something made up in my head, i caught them staring multiple times for some stupid fucking reason.)
I tried to jump start into the conversations a few times (which is hard and rare for me) but all the fucking conversations were about cute kids stories. I have none of those. I'm not really a "parent" persay. I have bio kids but I don't have that nurturing aspect in me. I had nothing of value to the conversations about baby blankets and sob stories.
So I just sat in the back most of the time, the only person with a professional ish camera. Which might be why people stared since it was at a park?
I don't know if it's my hormones or what. But i am just really emotional right now. I feel really fucking hurt. For some stupid fucking absurd reason. I have manic depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder.. i think that's it. But it's rare I actually feel any sort of emotion now a days and I'm sitting here trying to cope and not doing so well.
I ended up leaving the party early. Kids were having fun. But my sister was talking to everyone and being a good host and i was literally just sitting there. The stupid fucking park... for some god forsaken reason!! Had the bathrooms chained off. And i had been holding my bladder for about 2 hours at that point.
I texted my family member to chat about it and mentioned feeling excluded. Again, not something i do regularly. Usually just bottle things up ya know. But i think this is what has me more hurt than the party... she told me that i ran off to the side when everyone started coming and she acted like she could not personally attend to me. I wasn't mad about it, shit fuck. I just felt sad over not being able to feel included in my daughers birthday party.
No one talked to me. At least none of the strangers did. I barely got any good pictures, no one would get out of the way so I could see what they were doing when they were playing pin the tail on the donkey, everyone just crowded around the fucking game even though i was the one with the camera. All i got was pictures of peoples fucking heads.
I really need to learn how to assert myself. But i still can't help feeling really upset about the party. Kids had a good time. And like i said, what hurts me the most is my sister thought i expected her to drop everything she was doing to tend to me personally; which i did not. It just really sucks being the outsider and black sheep in the family sometimes.
I know most of this is probably my fault for not being aggressive. But it's hard not to feel alone. And excluded. And sad.
I'm trying really hard not to spastically reply to my sister right now. Cause i'm upset as fuck and i don't really fully understand why.
Another thing that really bothers me. I have this weird.. sort of dysphoria with my appearance. I don't know why but i've always felt this way. I tried really hard to stay out of other peoples photos and i hope people didn't get any with me in it. Like.. i'm not comfortable with how i look at all. My depression has made it very difficult to manage to style my long thick feminine hair. So i usually half ass it, and i end up feeling bad about myself. Today was one of my bad hair days and i'm sure that added fuel to my emotional spazz right now.
Should I ignore my family members text telling me i went off to the side and how she couldn't tend to me personally? That pissed me off so bad but i don't want to start any shit you know? I felt like i exposed myself even bringing up the fact i felt excluded since i never talk about my feelings. I'm trying really hard to have a relationship with said family member but we are two totally different people and it can be difficult when she makes mean replies such as what she texted me earlier.
| self.offmychest |
I finally told someone I was depressed and then they yelled at me [deleted] | self.depression |
Self destructive cycle and worriness I have been having repressed worriness in my mind and can't sleep unless my brain is completely shut down which means I'll try to stay awake as long as I can. My sleep cycle has shifted by an hour every day and now I sleep 6am in the morning from 1am not a week ago. If I try to go to sleep earlier I will be with my own depressing thoughts, have to think about my from future, and cry myself to wake and play video games.
I promised myself to improve by doing productive things in the day. But due to my messed up sleep cycle, I ended up put it off because of headache, and play video games instead.
How do I stay productive and optimist despite the fact that my worst nightmare is inevitable in the coming few months? | self.depression |
My appearance betrays my personality Imagine being a socially awkward person, shy and not talking frequently. You know its already hard right? Then imagine having these attitude while also being unattractive and poor. All my life, I've been the one doing the efforts to have a positive life but on the end Im the one who suffers the most. As a student in the Phillipines, discrimination is an unavoidable circumstances and I've also become a victim of such practices. But why? I didnt do anything to make me suffer like this. Its not my fault that my genes are shitty, that if i grew up like this, i just wish i've never been born at all. And to tell you i know someone more introverted than me, but you know, he got a good appearance, and as expected other people are the one who initiate talking to him. Like wtf, while me almost having the same situation, and not even a single person bother to talk to me. Its so fcking unfair. But thats just reality. Since high school, i already wanted to give up and end my life. But i just cant. I just cant abandon the hopes my family has cultivated for me. Im the one that is supposed to get them out of the misery of our poverty. Im the one supposed to finish my study and help them. The pressure is all on me. I can't yield. Its too early. But anyway, in the end LOOKS IS ALL THAT MATTERS. Dont tell me some bullshit fairy tale stories. Its just natural selection | self.depression |
Almost killed myself last night, don't know what to do anymore. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Sleep I really like sleeping,
It's the best thing for me.
Because when you are sleeping, your not dead, and you are not alive, your at inbetween,
It's a win-win situation,
Althought the not Alive part is more of a win
HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA i just want to die :( | self.SuicideWatch |
Im so tired but the thought of going to work tomorrow and acting like everything is ok makes me want to cry. It's so exhausting trying to smile in front of everyone when all I want to do is lock myself away from the rest of the word. Alarm is set, now I drink red wine until I fall asleep. | self.depression |
I know my problems aren't much But I just want to die. Plain and simple. | self.SuicideWatch |
I think I'm falling in love and I'm scared sh*tless. [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
I need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
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