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I literally feel as if i only have a few years left; either life kills me or i kill myself Im not suicidal right now, but i suffer from recurring depression and given my circumstances, i feel like i won't be here in a few years.
Im at University, and in two years time i'll be free from all the education and hand-holding and financial support i've been so accustomed to. I've tried living like a normal, healthy, sustainable human being, but i can't. I just can't.
Everyday is filled with crippling anxiety and depression. I can barely bring myself to work, both in Uni and employment. I have a job, and i really should love it. The work is decent, the people are lovely and its good pay for a student job. And yet, i fell nothing but a pure void of contempt and disdain for having to go there tomorrow. I literally want nothing more than to just stay in my room.
I want to go back living at home, with my parents and my amazing dogs. Just have everything stand still and just be me and them. No money issues, no worries about work or university, or if i'll have enough food to last me. I'll just be able to relax and enjoy the present, with them who i love so much.
But then i feel that if i haven't got a job in my industry in a few years (which i really doubt will happen at this point), then i'll never be able to live up to them. I'll never be able to pay them back for all the years of looking after me. I'll feel like a fucking failure, as the one kid in the family who went to Uni but couldn't sustain himself as a human being, so he doesn't get a great job and a great future. He fails, and is a failure, and he can't do anything about it because he feels so lost.
Honestly, the pressure is just so high. Unbelievably high. I feel like i'll be so lost in a few years that suicide will quite literally be the goal; i don't feel like, as a human, that i was meant to be on this earth long. Im more and more convincing myself that these are my last few years, because unless i have alcohol, weed or anything else to help, my depression and anxiety will become so much that i just end it all. Or, life pulls a fat one and somehow kills me.
I seriously wish i felt normal. I wonder what it feels like to not have depression or anxiety, since i've had it for so long now (Since i was 12, im 19 now). I wish i could go a day without smoking a joint or drinking, because 10+ hours away from any substance that brings me out of this miserable existence throws me right back in. I just don't know. Who knows anymore?
That was kind of a rant, thanks for sticking around this far if you've been reading it. Feels nice to let this out somewhere, even if its not the full story. | self.depression |
Assignments and school work I have a really big project for economics that counts for quite a bit of my grade. But every time I even think about working on it, I'm gripped with awful amounts of anxiety and I feel like there's so much to do and that I have no idea where to start. To add to this, my teammates aren't replying to my texts or doing any of the research. They don't really understand econ and so most of the work is left to me. In addition to this, there's a lot of other school work and exams to study for, and I have no idea what to prioritise. So I end up wasting my time and doing nothing, while worrying incessantly about all the work I still have to do. | self.Anxiety |
I had worse before but last night was scary and I'm still that feeling that way. I have had anxiety and depression for years. My worst times was when it first started back in 2008. I'm now 26. Anyways, I was on meds for both of the aforementioned conditions and for insomnia as well. However, I haven't been clinically diagnosed with it, though I have had it for that long. I lost my health insurance 1.5 years ago and have been unable to get the meds that were helping me. So I started self medicating with alcohol because it has been the only substance besides my meds that helps my anxiety. The problem is that I also have used it to sleep and so I have been drinking so much just to black out and sleep. Yesterday I woke up hangover and went to work for 8.5 hours and all day I felt very anxious. Never felt that before, usually it's been just the regular hangover of just feeling shitty and wanting to rest. I said to myself that I am going to stop drinking and so I didn't drink but I knew that I was not going to sleep without drinking and I knew I was feeling anxious. I went to Walgreens and bought otc sleeping pills and stress and anxiety 'natural' capsules. I called my friend to hang out with him because I was feeling afraid of being alone and of dying last night. I got to his house and took 150mg of dyphenhydramine (for sleep), 200mg of L-theanine (for sleep), 3 mg of melatonin (for sleep), two pills of Natrol stress and positive moods, 1 of the anxiety which claims to also help to sleep. A few minutes later my feelings of anxiety got worse, my chest felt so heavy, and I'm still feeling that way. I couldn't sleep at all. I couldn't stop moving because the pain in my chest and the palpitations were worrying me so damn much, my mind was going wild. I then started to hear a song in my head, I felt outside of my body, then the anxious feeling would move up and down my body and mainly to my left arm. I kept thinking that heart attacks show those symptoms and so I could only think of ideas that pointed at me dying, for literally everything I thought, I went on and on rationalizing how it all meant I was going to die. My left arm would get numbed up and when I touched my face, it felt disconnected to my body. Kept getting up and drinking water, when I saw a knife in the kitchen, I wanted to stab myself so I left the kitchen running and feeling my heart racing. I felt I was going insane. I laid back down and immediately felt a painful pressure in my heart which had me jump up and walked around the room, then I thought about that jump and I started to think that I was already dead, that I was just a soul thinking I was alive but that I was already dead and I died when I felt that pressure in my heart. I then couldn't take it and had to wake my friend up at 2am and told him that I was leaving and going to the hospital. He got me a ride and I was not given any meds for anxiety or sleep, I have been up since yesterday and they release just 1 hour before work. I went straight to work at 9am and worked there for 4.5 hours until I told my boss I was at the hospital all night and that I was diagnosed with Acute Bronchitis and he let me go, but I know that he didn't buy it much because he didn't even say, feel better, he just said, 'see you tomorrow, bye'. I am still feeling like this and I'm worried of not being able to sleep, of going through the same again. I really need this to stop it's been going on for over 24 hours and the hospital didn't help at all. I am now afraid of taking the meds i bought. Please help. | self.Anxiety |
Just got in from the ER honestly anxiety and panic attacks just go away and curl up somewhere [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Returned to Self Harm after years... 3rd time in 6 months. 2 times in days. Don't ask why. That's a freaking wormhole.
I just need support. To stop again. | self.bipolar |
I want to drop out of college, but how do i tell my parents? Hi,
/************ TL;DR go to the college part. **********************/
First of all, i am not a confident person. I am the shy kid that doesn't talk much. The problem is that i lost most of my front teeth when i was 4 years old, they've grown now but 1 of them doesn't grow on the right place, it's very bad, it looked like i missing a tooth on the front row and it was very apparent every time i open my mouth. My parents tried to fix it until i reach 6 years old (hence my most of teeth can grow back), but stopped after that, i don't know the reason but i assume they are out of money. They have money now, but i don't have the time, money, and energy to check up every week (my college and my parent's house is like 600 kilometers away, and my family's dentist is near my parent's home).
Since i was 8 years old, my parents always force me to be confident, they always makes me buy things, try to talk with people, anything they think would train my confidence. I was so shy that i can't even buy something from a shop. It always makes me uncomfortable. When i was 9 years old, i learn programming (my first language was C) and it was so fun, i fell in love with it, i spend most of my time in my room, programming and creating flash games (using ActionScript if u guys remember, before even flash bought by adobe, i think it was macromedia(?)). My parents doesn't like it one bit tho', they tried to get me off my room, so they start renovating the house a year later and made me sleep with my brother, but i couldn't seem to work with my family staring at me like i'm a freak.
Then at 12 years old, i manage to enter the best junior high school in my city, i like junior high-school, i got this small group where we play basketball afterschool every schoolday (that's monday to saturday in my country) until we tired like a dog, go home, take a bath, maybe study a bit, and sleep. It's nice, life was good.
The next one is highschool, the shitstorm starts here, once again, i managed to enter the best highschool in my city. I got lucky (or unlucky for me) and accepted for acceleration program where they crammed up 3 years worth of learning into 2 years. I rejected it and i want to enjoy a normal teenage life, but my parents forced me. After 2 month of sitting alone in the class and doesnt even talk to any of my class mates, i started to made a new friends. There are 24 people in the class, and most of them is only studying. I understand, but that's not my thing, i wanted to play some basketball. So i joined basketball extracurricular, but after a month, they do a screening, i do well on the screening, but rejected because the coach said acceleration class won't have time to play basketball, i was so sad, and eventually i don't play basketball anymore. Life goes on, i do bad on highschool, i was about to get expelled from the acceleration program, but my parents was so angry and my mom said "you're not my son", that made my heart shatter, i love my parents even tho' i don't like their method of loving their kids, and what my mom said made me numb. I forced myself to learn and learn, and i made it back to the acceleration program.
And one day, there is a screening for national science olympiad, one of my teacher know that i'm good with programming and recommend me on it. I NEVER joins a contest or olympiad before, but since this teacher is so nice to me, i signed up on computer category. My first thought on computer category is "oh, must be general question about computer, must be easy", but it was logic and programming, i didn't expect it but i'm so glad, it was fun, i like it so much, long story short, i made it to the national, i didn't get a medal, but at least i know i was one of the best on my country. I even got interviewed by a local tv, i dont want to, but my school forced me to do it because it was good for their publicity, i was so shy to open my mouth and i do a little talking and a lot of nodding. It was silly but hey, no one watches a local tv X)
Then at the end of highschool i got a girlfriend, i don't know what she looks into me, i mean, my teeth fucked up, but i love her and she seems to love me too. We've been together for 5 years now.
/***********************COLLEGE PART************************/
And now, i'm on my 3rd year of college, majoring in engineering physics. I accepted into the best college in my country. BUT it's not my choice, i always wanted to be a programmer, but my parents always think that IT jobs are garbage and doesnt pay well. So when i apply for college, my parents told me to enter the industrial engineering faculty. Long story short i go with what my parents want, but from the first year, i hated it, first year was pretty much alright tho, i passed all the classes for the first year. Then the second year i failed a lot of the classes. I got really depressed in college. I don't know what to do, i can program pretty well in a lot of languages now, i am is pretty good with drawing too. Currently i work as a freelancer for a startup company, i am doing their server and design their system and the thought of getting paid for something that i love to do is so nice. I
just don't like what i'm majoring right now.
I want to drop out, but nowadays every job needs college, i kinda want to be an indie developer and taking freelance jobs. But it's not that easy to drop out of college. My parents had a high hopes for me, my family too, auntie, uncle, grandpa, grandma. Oh, and i am is the eldest one from all of my cousin and nephew, so my dad is always told me, "when everything goes bad with your cousin and nephew, you are the one who will help them, so pass college, get a nice job", so yeah, i have a big big burden on my shoulder. My dad family isn't nice either, he lose his father when he was on college i think, so he has to work from early on, my dad passed a low-tier college majoring on electrical engineering, he took 6 or 7 years tho. After college job is hard to get he said, but he is doing well for now and have a lot of money. He has 2 brother, one of them having trouble with handling money on their company and got fired a lot of times, and another one have some criminal records (it was gambling i assume, he even got prisoned for 2 or 3 years, i don't really know, my parents done a good job covering it up so their kids doesn't hear about it, but i know). So yeah, my dad had a big burden too on his shoulder.
I just want to stop college but what would i tell my parents, my whole big family. Right now i just want to get any steady job and doesn't depend on my parent's money. And then after i got a little money, i will enter low-tier college and majoring what i love. Then maybe my life will goes better.
If i don't believe in heaven nor hell, or if i believe that after we die we just go "poof", i would already kill myself. I don't know what else to do. I just want to said all that. Bye, i got a class in 30 minutes. | self.offmychest |
HOW DO I ASK MY DOCTOR FOR BENZOS INSTEAD OF SSRIs I [F/19] was diagnosed with moderate to severe anxiety when i was 17. Since my diagnosis Ive tried several (but not all) SSRIs Such as Zoloft, Effexor, Celexa, Trintellix, Wellbutrin. They never seemed to help my anxiety they actually just caused me to go into depression so stopped taking meds. Ive been off for about 3 months.
My anxiety is still bad. I have random bursts of panic and i experience the sense of impending doom throughout each day. My constant anxiousness is exhausting so i want to try getting on medication again but not an SSRI
I’m a freshman in college, and i don’t have the time to adjust to an SSRI. I experience the side effects even on low dosages. (Anxiety, nausea, extreme drowsiness, dizziness) when i started antidepressants in high school the side effects made it impossible to go to school. I was dizzy and feared Id fall in the hallway going to class, i slept in each class i got to, and i had to have my parents drive me to school each day for two weeks. And when i learned the medication i was trying wasn’t for me, Id have to wing off just to try new meds and experience the same two weeks of hell.
I live 6 hours from home to attend school. I can’t afford to Uber to campus for each class, i can’t afford to sit in class spaced out, and i can’t miss class because my school takes absences extremely seriously. With that being said, i want to ask my doctor to prescribe a benzo for me. I just don’t know how to ask or suggest it. So how do i ask for this kind of medication?
TL;DR i have anxiety and took SSRIs for a year and a half but they don’t seem to work so i winged off of them. My anxiety is bad and i want to ask my doctor for a Benzo prescription because im a busy college student that doesn’t have time to adjust to another SSRI. Asking for advice on how to talk to my doctor about it. | self.Anxiety |
Started mood stabilizers and having severe panic attacks I just started Lamictal, 25mg moving to 50mg in a couple days. After the first 2 days I was very manic; creating a lot, no sleep, the usual suspects. Then very recently—3 days ago— I started getting into a depressive episode. Yesterday I used my positive coping skills to help deal with it, felt better but then had a very sudden onset of panic attacks. Today was no different. Panic attacks after every 3 hours. I hung out with the same friend, and they didn’t really do anything to cause it, nor did anything else.
Also, in my manic states I have quite the sexual appetite and in my depressive episodes I usually ignore the avoidance symptoms (dumb, I know) and have sex anyways. Recently however the thought of ANYONE having any type of sex (friends talking about experience, me imagining etc) has triggered panic attacks.
I’m not sure what to do does anyone have any recommendations. | self.bipolar |
I'm so tired of trying. Getting my teaching license and Master's. Long story short, my depression and anxiety were under control until I started student teaching a couple months ago, and my anxiety got so bad I cried in front of my cooperating teacher (as well as other issues outside the classroom). After I talked to my supervisor and I explained I'd just gotten assigned more medication and I was about to start counseling but knew it would take a while to take effect, we agreed I should take an In Progress and restart student teaching in the spring at a new placement.
So no moving out, no graduation until May...frick.
But I'm not about to let this keep me down. I say goodbye to the classroom I was in and it was the sweetest thing ever. I sign up for volunteer opportunities for the rest of this semester so I have more opportunities to have positive experiences in the classroom before student teaching again. I even am about to start tutoring a neighbor's kid for a few weeks.
But every time I open an email, I feel terrified, even though it's just about what times I should come in for volunteering. There is literally nothing bad that could be in those messages but I'm still so scared to open them each time.
As for tutoring, I've never done it before. It's stupid that I'm so scared since it's just working with a kid on his homework and he's younger than the kids I student taught, but I'm still so afraid.
I'm just tired of feeling scared all the time. I know it'll get better, and I know that I was put on the path of teaching for a reason, but all this fear is making me wonder if I can function in retail, let alone in teaching.
| self.Anxiety |
I've gotten into the habit of blocking my bf number occasionally I've always had a hard time waiting for people I like to text me back, but it's gotten worse as my anxiety has developed.
I expecially have a hard time in the past year because the guy I'm dating isn't a big Texter. He leaves his phone in one room for long period of time, or he checks notifications without replying to them.
I started out only blocking his number if he was upset with me and needed space, so I could stop myself from worrying about when he would finally contact me so we could talk through the issue. For the past couple days tho, I've been blocking his number on days when I'm just feeling particularly anxious and I know I won't be able to see him. For example, we're on Thanksgiving break at school right now, so he is spending time with family and such. I know he won't text me for most of the day, so I've just been sending good morning and goodnight texts, but block his number in between those times.
I have no idea if he's texting or trying to call me throughout the day, but I feel so much more at peace when I'm not constantly wondering why he hasn't texted yet.
I love that he gets wrapped up in social settings and enjoys being with people he cares about, and I know not everyone is similar to me(constantly on their phones, reading, gaming, etc), but i feel a little guilty about this still. I tried to justify it because when we text at night, I can tell he hasn't been trying to contact me all day(he would have asked why I didn't respond).
I guess I'm just wondering if this is wrong/how wrong is it for me to block him throughout the day? It gives me a little peace, and he doesn't have to feel guilty about me feeling ignored. | self.Anxiety |
I just want to feel wanted. I know this is stupid to rant about but I don't want to complain to friends about it. I know everything my friends will say and at this point it will just make me angrier because I feel like it doesn't help anymore. It feels like it's all just lies to placate me.
I have been single for 5 years. I am so tired of it. I feel so invisible and unwanted. I am the only one left of my group that is single. I don't even feel like a sexual being anymore. It's like a part of me is missing.
My friends don't like anyone I date. They say I can do better and that I date "below" me. They say I can have any guy I wanted but every time the guy I *really* want doesn't give me the time of day. I'm not good enough for that guy. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling not good enough.
I feel like my choices are to settle or be alone forever.
Don't get me wrong, most of the time I am ok with being single, but there are some days I just don't feel like I can take it anymore. It's gotten to me right now.
I recently this guy I was crushing on out for a beer. He said he was busy. I never heard from him again. Like me merely asking was an insult to him.
I hate this feeling. I just feel so... worthless. | self.offmychest |
I don't want to keep going on anymore. It hurts too much I'm so fucking tired. I'm not even doing anything worthwhile with my life. I'm a parasite on my family, and they'd be happier if I'd never existed. All I do is waste space and oxygen. | self.SuicideWatch |
I wish I was never born Then nobody would worry or care about me, I'm not worth anybody's time. | self.depression |
I'm going to go to every bad neighborhood in Chicago tonight and walk down every street alone I'm 24F, white, and I look like I could be rich because I spent my last $50 on a nice haircut and nails.
When I see people out, I'll say hi and act like we're old friends.
If I don't get raped or otherwise attacked, I'll see it as a sign that the human race is better than my conservative parents taught me and keep on living. | self.SuicideWatch |
I had a dream that someone was about to shoot me. I had a dream that I was in a car, and a man pulled up in another car, shot the driver, then aimed the gun at me, missed his first shot and lined up the second, and I remember it felt so real, and the worst part is I wanted him to shoot me, in the moments leading up to his final shot I didn’t want to die, but as it came closer I realised I wanted the bullet to go straight through my head. | self.depression |
I️ want to ruin his life like he ruined mine [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I Relapsed again Earlier I cut myself for the first time in months and now I really hate myself the only reason I started self harming again was because of the way my family makes me feel | self.SuicideWatch |
Does anyone else experience this? I’ve been grappling severe anxiety (GAD, panic attacks) and one thing that I’ve noticed since my anxiety peaked is this:
When I lay down to go to sleep, I feel that I almost immediately lose my train of thought and begin to drift into dream. This is usually followed by me trying to “shake off” the feeling (cue anxious tossing and turning). I know that this occasionally happens to a lot of people, but it seems to be happening to me very often, leaving me feeling extremely unsettled.
What I think is going on:
- I am afraid of losing control so I am hyper aware of any instance of seemingly random thought. Perhaps my vigilance is making this phenomenon feel more pronounced?
- I am mentally worn out. And maybe physically, too (since I’ve been sleeping relatively restlessly). Perhaps this is accelerating my sleep onset?
- I read a little bit about REM rebound. Maybe this is that?
Does anyone experience this? At the very least, do my interpretations make sense? I appreciate any insight.
| self.Anxiety |
The only people who support me are online. Not even in real life. [deleted] | self.depression |
Thinking of ending my life, someone please talk to me. I feel invisible. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Buypolar I had a pretty bad episode this weekend and spent a ton of money on home-automation items and subscriptions. I haven't untangled it yet because my contract position is insane right now.
Just have to say, I'm grateful that my apartment building has UPS/USPS pickup. I'm going to need to package and return so many things.
How are you all today? I could use some friendly-bipolar conversation as I'm going slowly insane. | self.bipolar |
Im worried my depression is going to ruin my time with family. I have been particularly down these past few weeks. The smallest things keep knocking me down a peg and I keep going further and further.
I’m worried a family member is going to say something stupid to me and piss me off.
I know, these aren’t real problems. I just need to get it out. | self.depression |
Increase and decrease of Lamictal is making me c r a z y [deleted] | self.bipolar |
really weird type of anxiety? So I'll try my best to explain this and see if anyone else can relate.
It's a saturday night right now and I'm home doing homework and stuff and I keep looking at my friend's snapchats partying and going out and doing stuff. Now I'm not jealous because I didn't even want to go out and do anything tonight, but I feel this weird sense of anxiety that I'm not there with them. And then the anxiety comes about not having fun with my friends even though I didn't even want to go out in the first place, and it goes into this weird cycle.
Like it feels like I have to be with my friends having fun with them all the time and if they're having fun without me I get oddly jealous? It's completely irrational I know and I'm still not explaining it fully but maybe someone can just relate or talk to me about it. | self.Anxiety |
I’m ready to die. This isn’t a suicidal post or anything but I’m just simply ready to die when my time comes. I have life pretty decent but my mental health is worsening and my relationships are crumbling around me. I can’t really trust anyone anymore and my brain is just eating at itself. Everything is numb. Sometimes I find myself doing crazy things because I simply don’t care anymore (speeding, knowingly doing something that might hurt me) Sometimes I’ll be sitting quietly but my brain is bouncing and twisting. I don’t really feel alive much anymore. | self.depression |
I’ve lost all my real life friends and all most of my online friends due to depression and i honestly don’t know if it’s even worth it anymore. [deleted] | self.depression |
I'm ending in the stupidest way possible I have a disorder that has drained the life out of me and I can barely go to the store anymore.
It's treatable, but I can't afford it. Banks and credit agencies won't help me out, because of being currently unemployed.
I used to have a good salary before this, but now I can barely walk up a staircase.
I have no one to get help from and i'm about to become homeless.
Also my health is deteriorating.
I'm imagining jumping off really high, however I have a hard time imagining nonexistence, I'm trying to work up the nerve.
I just rather die quickly than wither away slowly.
Funny thing is I have health insurance, but in my country the healthcare system is so bad, they don't cover half the things.
This is so pathetic I'm so ashamed that I ended up in this situation. If I had attended to this years ago, I would be fine now.
If someone robs and shoots me or hits me with a car he would be doing me a huge favor. | self.SuicideWatch |
Hi, Reddit. Hey there.First off, this is a throwaway account. I have friends that I talk with on my main, and I don't want to worry them with this post. Getting on with it, I don't know if this is a suicide note or not. I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I have a gun in my room, a .357 magnum, that I had planned to use. I keep picking it up, then breaking down thinking it might not kill me, and I would turn into a vegetable for the rest of my life. Thinking of friends and family doesn't help at all. I mean, they'll die too. Same thing with me. Why does it matter if I die sooner? Why does it matter if I do it myself? And the worst thing is, I don't know why I feel like this. I didn't do anything to anyone. I've never killed anyone or stolen anything, willingly or not. I have sought help. I have been on a few different happy pills, and they all had little to no effects. Therapy just made things worse, because I had to relive everything. I'm completely lost at this point. I don't know what the fuck to do. This was probably all over the place, so I'm sorry about that.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you did. I just thought I should tell someone, you know? i'll answer questions or complete thoughts if anyone asks.
Edit: I'm going to bed. I'll look in the morning if I can get out of bed. | self.SuicideWatch |
sleep deprivation (depression and drug related) So I've been awake for about 46 hours (4:14am atm) and I still don't feel tired at all, can't seem to fall asleep.
i think it may be related my xanax abusing periods that happened this summer and just about a month ago before i stopped again 2 days ago.
was also smoking weed both nights but i still don't feel sleepy or that much tired.
have also been diagnosed with depression earlier this year so that's what kinda led to me abusing xanax.
anyone experieced anything similar? | self.depression |
My thoughts on my life before it's over. I'm writing this to say I am very tired and that I feel that all this effort is basically for nothing. I have decided that, with the circumstances I prefer to stay private, as well as my personal mental issues mostly caused by being a shut in without choice for most of my childhood, and the perception that my future is bleak and meaningless, living is not the best course of action for me and that there is no hope.
Life is not worth living to me anymore. I have no ability to socialize with other people and fail to make friends and end up lonely. I also seemingly have no drive or interest in anything in life which further compounds the issue of being unable to socialize or make friends and live a normal life with personal interests and goals with which to not only enjoy, but to share with others. I live in a constant state of guilt where I feel as though if I share my problems or emotions with anyone no matter how close they may be, then I destroy that relationship by burdening them with my problems and drive them away from me.
I am, and have always felt, that I am stupid, unable to focus, or remember simple things and am always placed at fault for it either by others or by myself. I fail at almost every task I attempt and never improve no matter how hard I try. More often than not, most people will try and take over the task I am trying to do because I am too incompetent to do it myself. This leads me to the conclusion that I cannot pursue any career or ambition properly and expect to succeed. Despite being 24, I feel like a stupid kid who has terrible decision making abilities and more often than not, cannot make a proper decision for myself or seemingly make the wrong decision every time.
I feel as though I have an excessive amount of personal mental problems and/or twisted lines of thinking that, while I know to be wrong sometimes, I can't seem to change no matter how hard I try and I HATE myself for it. I am constantly paranoid of my friends or loved ones not actually liking me or wanting to be around me and I am almost always depressed or anxious but have to force a smile, joke, and laugh lest I drive people away with a frown for being a "downer" on top of being an uninteresting person by default. I am completely unable to accept compliments or trust the words of other people without doubting them; most especially from people who say they care about me. I am deathly afraid of these aspects and feel entirely lost and alone on how to properly deal with these negative emotions or mental problems. I fear that I do not have the time, means, or money to seek professional help without causing detriment to what little money I have or earn.
I do not, in any way, feel that I can lead a normal, happy life. It feels like nobody truly likes me or wants to be around me and that's my fault for being uninteresting and being unable to socialize. I feel like more often than not, people tell me niceties and compliments to me just to make me feel better and would never truly be honest with me in order to help me. I have no real future nor do I feel like I have much point in pursuing one. I feel as though I'm constantly struggling and fighting just to make it to another day where I'm struggling and fighting for nothing.
I truly feel that ending my life is the best choice I have for not only myself, but for others as well. | self.SuicideWatch |
Help!!! I need help with my depression. I love God and he is the love of my life. I can't live without Him. He is my only hope. He's all I live for. Recently, some people fucked around with my faith. I am a freshman in college. I also was raised catholic, but I feel some guilt leaving the catholic church. This past summer some catholic charismatic people said prophecy and shit that made me anxious, scrupulous, and depressed. Also a little before that, I had extreme anxiety because I worried that God will throw me in hell for drinking alcohol or using birth control after I get married. This made me anxious and depressed. But I know that God is not like that. He loves me! I won't go to hell for that shit. I need to find a church that loves me and that cares for me. I feel that I need more community and friend support. God saved my life in the past. He got me outta depression when I was 15, and I used to run 10 miles a day! I NEED hope in him to keep going in life. I'm flunking outta college, and smoking cigarettes for my anxiety aint good no mo'. Help! I need just someone that will care for me and be by my side! And I need to have hope in Jesus or love or something to continue. I considered becoming atheist, but I feel lonely doing so because I don't have a loving God with me. If only I could have a loving God with me through this shitty time, I can maybe make it. I have OCD and I feel like there's a good God and a bad god. The Good God loves me and cares for me, while the bad god sends me to hell and gives me anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes I feel like killing myself due to how bad this is, but I don't wanna do that. I wanna have hope, and marry a cute wife and have kids and a TON of fun later in life. | self.SuicideWatch |
I am getting depressed more everyday from school. Well, mainly school and my parents, I'm so afraid of getting a D on report cards ( im in the 8th grade btw) and I just can't enjoy alot of things anymore, my German has been delayed, I can't learn shit in school although I try so hard and I just want to run away from it all. I want to become a politician when I grow up, but theres a conscience I know of deeply saying, that I won't get there. Please help. | self.SuicideWatch |
How to do it without pain? Basically, I was dealing with depression. But today our house got robbed and my parents are accusing me because I'm financially struggling because of a bitch few months ago. I just heard them talking trash about me (secretly) and saying that they nee to move everything valuable outside of the house and that hurts me a lot. Im in a shitty country without friends.
I cant take it anymore.. The only things that are slowing me down is the fear of pain and the fact that I will miss my friends my real ones (in an other country). I need ur help whats the best way to kill my self please
| self.SuicideWatch |
I'm thinking about jumping off a bridge. As a son of a religious fanatic, I've been raised to believe that those who take their own lives automatically go to hell. No if ands or buts, straight to hell. I was raised to believe in God and to have hope that one day things will be ok. Funny, believing in God is the only thing that keeps me going at times, although at times I wonder why God would allow people to feel so helpless and alone. Sort of a damned if I do and damned if don't situation. All of my life I have been the punch line of everyone's jokes, the can everyone kicked while walking down path called life, the person everyone made fun of to better their self esteem. I've had enough. People ask why I feel so helpless and alone. Honestly, it's because people have molded me into what I am now, an emotional wreck. People who I thought were friends turned out to be the worst human beings I've ever met. Even at the highest point in my life, I still felt as if I didn't matter, because I don't. People don't treat me the same way I treat them, another moral lesson instilled in me by my parent. I honestly believe everything that what my mother taught me growing up was irrelevant to "real world" situations, just like the 12 or so years of education that we all receive during our early years. I don't know about you, but I wish I would've learned about money management or bill paying instead of learning about who invented the fucking lightbulb. Point is, I'm tired of saying I'm O-fucking-K to people and going home and lying in bed thinking of the best way to end my life. Hanging or jumping off of a bridge into a body of water are my two options. What do you think? Any suggestions? I'd appreciate any tips. Gun shots are too messy. Even though I hate my life, I'd hate for someone to have to clean up after me. Previous attempts proved to be messy, swallowed a hand full of anti depressants, hanging, drowning, contemplated blowing my brains out too. It's amazing how as I'm writing this, my tone of voice is so casual. I must really be fucked in the head to view the termination of my being as an everyday occurrence. I'd like to say I love you to my mother, sister, and brother. How will i go out? No public scenes, just me, alone, as I've always been. Night time, about midnight or so. During the winter, to speed up the process. Last actions? After saying goodbye to those who love me because they have to, drink a beer and smoke a cigarette while listening to "shine on you crazy diamond" by Pink Floyd. All of which I'm doing right now. Last thoughts? Goodbye everybody, I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Yeah... Fuck it, I'm jumping... | self.SuicideWatch |
Anyone up for a chat ? 21M, if anyone is out there to talk about your problems hit me up, perhaps we can help eachother. | self.depression |
I drank a lot yesterday I drank a lot yesterday... forgot what happened.
I probably shouldn't of drunken so much on a Tuesday.
Hope I didn't bother that many people at the bar. | self.offmychest |
No other choice now. This is it. Over the last weeks I have slowly cut all the possible ways out. Now I don't have a choice anymore : I must die before Sunday. Today or tomorrow? | self.SuicideWatch |
another shitty year over.. another one just to come, happy new year guys [deleted] | self.depression |
Afraid of flying now I used to not be afraid of flying but on my trip down to Arizona my stomach just kept hurting because it was gassy and my anxiety was just really up about it turning into another Aloha Airlines flight 243. I'm here and landed safely but while I'm here I've been watching the Smithsonian videos about plane accidents and reading about MH370 and the recently exposed Pentagon UFO program and also how there are plane UFO encounters suicidal pilots. I don't want to die or have my anxiety raised in a plane accident (I have bad anxiety and intrusive thoughts) and I don't want to be experimented on by aliens and have alien babies bursting out of my asshole. I don't. I leave tomorrow at night and I don't want my anxiety up. I have friends and a boyfriend online that I don't want abandoned.
Anything I can do? | self.Anxiety |
Can't kill self soooo... Short post, thinking of doing it but i know i can't so I'm thinking of starting to but Vicodin to numb myself like before. Yeah that's about it. Maybe something stronger. Ehh. | self.SuicideWatch |
just a bit about me (or everything) Ive had it rough ever since before my birth, my mother was a whore so i obviously never met my "real" father. [my earliest memory] at the age of 3 my parents (mother and step father) got into a devistating accident that had them both hospitalized while i was staying with my grandma (the only person who has ever cared about me) and i didn't get to see them again for the next several months.[my childhood] from the ages of 5-9 i was moved back and forth between dozens of different hospitals and foster homes (durring this time i was diagnosed with autism, adhd, odd, ocd and severe anxiety just to name a few) before my parents finally reclaimed custody of me. [early teen years] everything was starting to get better until I turned 12 and i was put in a school where I was constantly bullied because I was different (this went on for 3 years and no matter how many times I would tell people about it). [late teen years to now] at the age of 15 my parents got devorced and shortly after I was diagnosed with PTSD, a couple years go by and i graduate highschool somehow and im kicked out into the world with a list of mental illnesses that I have no way of coping with. now I'm 19, im starving and im about to be homeless with nobody to turn to. | self.SuicideWatch |
My emotions cause me to feel like I’m more than one person.... *sigh So pretty much I’m a wreck of a person and my emotions aren’t cohesive at all. From spontaneous bouts of sadness to feeling upset in a millisecond also I become annoyed very easily. I’ve been to a therapist and I felt indifferent towards the treatment...didn’t help @ all waste of money and time. I’ve never been diagnosed with any mood disorders just went for my debilitating crippling anxiety. I do experience depersonalization and derealization. The crushes I’ve developed on people have gone to far starting off from a light innocent liking to straight up on my mind every waking moment obsessions and it takes me weeks to maybe months to get over people I like it’s not hard for me to catch feelings for people either. The aftermath of getting over my crushes aren’t easy either I’m left feeling really despondent and detached and numb sometimes suicidal thoughts creep in. I get really upset or even sad over the smallest of things and there are other times when they don’t bother me as much I feel content with life. But all of these feelings at once and mood switches are much too exhausting for me and cause me to feel like I’m have ten different people with different personalities living inside me not to mention my anxiety and I don’t know what to do....😣 (also I hold grudges which I’m actively trying to change) | self.Anxiety |
I feel like I'm losing I didn't go to work today because I had a breakdown last night, and when it was time to get up for work I felt dizzy and glued to my bed. I feel like this is the beginning of my downward spiral. I can't let it win, but I feel like I'm losing. | self.depression |
I hope I die in my sleep Please God or the devil just take me. I'm begging to just slip away. I dont want to keep doing this anymore. | self.depression |
I think my professor have a vendetta against me and I'm not sure what to do and just feel like shit. I'm a Graphic Designer attending a private art school in the Midwest. Detroit specifically. I like working in the creative field but I keep running into a brick wall every year.
Freshman year, I'll be honest, I was a piece of shit as a artist. I always showed up with half-assed work and thought I could get by college like I did high school. But at the end of freshman year I learned that you couldn't get through school doing jack shit and I realized I had to work harder to get ahead. But when I returned freshman year I began to work harder but school has always been a struggle with me. I'm a hard worker, but when I was a kid I was diagnosed with a learning disability.
I grown out of it but I'm always the person that reads the slowest and has to work harder to grasp concepts that others can get easier. But every professor never seemed to understand that I am trying and giving an effort to be in their class, but cast me as a stoner punk kid that doesn't give a fuck and just wants to be in school for a degree.
So I became the butt end of jokes and always get pointed out for typos, visuals, and every nitpick in design. My first professor in type design began to make jokes about me, not taking my critics seriously, and just alienating me in every discussion. This lead me to believe that I was a shitty designer, I began to feel paranoid that no matter what my work was going to be shit. I began to alienate my friends that would give me good design advice and make me second guess every piece of work I made when someone gave it positive feedback thinking "They must be acting nice, my work is obviously shit".
Then I came across my head of department, she was notorious for giving harsh crits and basically her no fucks given attitude when it came to design. I had her for one class, a type design class. We created our own type and had to make posters out of them. But one week I had a shitty week, I haven't talked to anyone in a month, and was sleep deprived. We had to show concepts of what our posters would be and I had crude drawings of what my concepts were. I honestly thought they were shit but I had a lot on my plate at the time. She pulled me aside and said that I should drop out of graphic design, that I always had a problem with school and Freshman made better stuff than I did. I was torn, I know she had the right to call me out on what I showed, but I knew that I had made portfolio worthy stuff before that she hadn't seen.
I packed up my stuff, went home, and drank a bottle of whisky and cried myself to sleep. It was the first time I seriously considered walking to the parking lot and jumping off to my death. But I got my shit together and made a series of posters that were really good, stuff that I show first in my portfolio. At the end of the year she critiqued all the work that I made. And said that she was surprised with the work that I produced and that I can be a graphic designer. The next year came and now I'm doing a group project designing a brand identity for a big company in our city. One critic she comes with another professor and begins to look over our stuff, but I notice that they both start to harshly critic my stuff.
I do understand the point they are making, and most of the stuff they art critiquing are correct. At one point they begin to critic our other team members work, harshly. However they keep pointing at me and telling me that this isn't the work I should be producing, telling me that I'm letting down the group with my effort. I realized that they thought another team members work as mine and began to put the blame on me. In my head I'm confused, they keep praising the other members in my group, but keep shitting on my work.
I know that I was in the wrong but I felt that this was too much and personal. In the end they tell us we're in a good direction but tell me to basically get my shit together. I just sat there after, confused and depressed. My other team member who the other professor praised heavily came over and said that they treated me unfairly, and to treat what they said with a grain of salt.
But I still went to the bathroom and cried.I came back and they both walked past our stuff and made a joke about how I couldn't understand color, expecting me to laugh. I just stared at them until they got the message. Right now I'm just so depressed and confused. I'm trying so hard to better myself this year, I'm beginning to reconnect with friends and improve my design skills. But I just feel like the boulder I carry up the hill keeps getting heavier and heavier by reasons out of my control.
I'm planning on going to my school therapist and telling her everything, but I don't think I can explain why my professor hates me without sounding like a dumb kid who wants someone to blame of their own actions. I'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit but I needed to get this off my chest. | self.offmychest |
You don't get dates because you fucking hate yourself, not because you're short and nerdy. Stop treating yourself like shit.
Stop saying mean things to yourself.
Stop assuming you're unlikeable.
Stop saying people don't like you when you really just don't like yourself.
You are so bitter toward people because you think they're too shallow to try to like you. It actually pisses me off, like makes me viscerally angry, because people like you a lot until they see how bitter you are about some shit you made up in your head.
Sometimes I feel sad for you but most of the time I want to shake you because you just won't fucking believe me when I say that you're interesting, clever, handsome, hilarious. Why the fuck would I lie about this shit? What fucking purpose does it serve ME to go out of my way to say nice things to you? The irony is that you hate yourself so much that you don't believe the people you actually trust when what they've got to say is something nice about you.
And THAT'S why you don't get dates. People can't always sniff out insecurity, but nobody has to do any investigating to see the way you *embody* your self loathing.
Why can't you be nicer to yourself? WHY?! You don't *deserve* for your conscience to talk shit about you so much. Why do you behave like you're not allowed to be happy with yourself? Why don't you celebrate your talents? Why do you assume people are just listening to you because they're polite, and not for the actual reason, which is that you're really interesting and entertaining!!!!
Quit prioritizing romance. How the fuck are you gonna love another person when you hate yourself so much? Prioritize yourself. Fall in love with yourself. It's going to be a shitty feedback loop for you until you do. | self.offmychest |
I’m so depressed right now I keep thinking of filing for bankruptcy so I can just start all over. I keep thinking of returning my dog to the shelter. I just want to be alone and have no responsibilities. My life is just twirling down hill and I don’t know how to tell my family. I keep thinking of just ending everything but I really don’t think I’ll ever do that. | self.depression |
Stressed and Depressed I'm BP1 and tend more towards manic than depressed. So when I'm depressed I have shit coping mechanisms. I've currently been depressed for weeks while I am trying to plan my wedding and look for a new job. My current job causes so much stress that I'm getting stomach pain that stops me from eating and my migraines are back. The last time I felt this disabled by bipolar was when I was first diagnosed after a trauma. I've been lucky to hold a steady job since my diagnosis but I am losing hope lately. | self.bipolar |
i feel like shit i m a smart guy but my grades are so bad id rather to kill myself then telling her im gonna suicide at 4/1/2018 at my birthday
edit i just dont know how to study it like i dont have the motivation
| self.SuicideWatch |
Why Gaming is no Longer my hobby It's too damn expensive!
"Pfft, get a PC. Steam is really cheap."
You know what isn't cheap? PC parts.
"Well why don't you play low end games? Like Cup Head?"
For every Cuphead there is a million shitty low end games.
"Why don't you get a job?"
I'm 13 in a small town in England. Jobs aren't easy to come by for an adult, let alone a kid.
"Why don't you ask for a Nintendo Switch for Christmas?"
My mum has bills to pay. There are more important things than Mario Odyssey (even tho it looks amazing)
"Why don't you play older games?"
Occasionally, I do. In the summer I got super addicted to Fallout New Vegas. But too many old games have bad controls.
Apart from the occasional indie game, I'm giving up on gaming. Don't know why I'm posting here, tbh. I just wanted to tell someone who could relate. | self.offmychest |
Correlation between depression and horror? There seems to be a correlation between my depression and my love for horror. I've enjoyed horror films since before I can remember. I've searched for more and more disturbing films; Now, I even enjoy my own nightmares.
Yesterday I was particularly low in my depression. I hopped on r/watchpeopledie and after about a dozen videos of people being butchered and torn apart, my mood improved. I was deeply depressed for several hours, and within 30 minutes, my mood was totally back to normal.
This morning, I woke up in a shit mood again. The effect seems to be temporary.
Can anyone explain this or at the very least relate to it? | self.depression |
went to the mall by myself today... so i hate doing shit my myself. it gives me the worst anxiety ever. esPECIALLY shopping for clothes. it’s essentially an open invite to have random people come up and talk to you. especially when i don’t know what i need, i feel like i just pick what i can see that doesn’t require anyone to help me.
but i found out something that helps - vulnerability. my friend always says “vulnerability fosters connection” and i never believed her until today.
when i opened up to the sales associate who came up to me and i said “honestly i don’t know what i’m doing i’m just looking for brown pants” he helped me find the right fit and size.
sounds stupid, but it was honestly so fun to be by myself at the mall. after the jeans i was on such a high that i went to buy a new phone case and did some other shopping i would have normally just done online.
for people who have the same social anxiety around being in new places and not knowing what to do, admitting that you have NO IDEA what to do helps SO MUCH. | self.Anxiety |
You know that excited-about-nothing feeling you get in the middle of the night when you can't sleep because everything needs to get done and your thoughts are so loud that you think your head might explode? ...yeah
EDIT: I actually kinda want to rant a bit.
I was soooo stable a week ago and then this mania crap sneaks up on me. Fuck this disorder. I'd like to thank this community for pointing it out to me, though. I'm gonna give my pdoc a call in the morning and see about getting an adjustment if I can't sleep.
| self.bipolar |
Should I call 999 before I hang myself/ or what ever I do so someone will find me instead off traumatising a innocent member of the public? I'm planning off ending my life in the next 3-4 months | self.SuicideWatch |
This is a rough time I’ve been posing as my ex-girlfriend for months online because a guy she pissed off found videos of me and my current girlfriend having sex. So I’ve been told I have to either keep helping this guy or our video goes online, with our names. I don’t want to ruin my current girlfriend’s life, so I’ve been working with this guy. Even this Reddit account is me posing as my ex. I think I made a podcaster think my ex is a stalker when she spends most of her time trying to not be viewed as a stalker. She’s so mild-mannered, she struggles in fandoms because she doesn’t feel like she’s passionate enough. So I probably ruined her reputation and she doesn’t deserve that. I want to get out of this deal with the guy blackmailing me and my girlfriend, but it feels like there’s no way out. I just don’t see the point in going on and I feel like I should tell my ex what happened because she can do damage control. But she hates me. | self.SuicideWatch |
Streaming/Gaming - The Outlet for my Anxiety I have always enjoyed gaming and it is one of my few escapes from my brain. It gets rid of the racing thoughts amd irnfocuses my mind. As a kid I always though, man wouldnt it be great to play video games for a living?! Well, a few years ago i stumbled upon Twitch. Fairly new at the time, it was a llace where peiple streamed them playing games and people actually watched...WTF?! And...some were making money? I had to get in!
I started my streaming career a couple years ago as a desperate attempt to capture a childhood dream. I soon realized it wasnt easy, in fact, it was hard work and ate up a lot of my free time. Over 10 months I built a small community of dedicated people that were essentially my second family. But, after overextending myself and living Twitch for that long, my own anxiety/depression kicked in... I was still working a full time job, juggling adult responsibilities, as well as trying to maintain my IRL relationships/friendships.
I bowed out... threw in the towel... Went into hiding... How could people do this unless they were a full timer?! It's draining being "on" all the time. But, over the next year or so as I recovered my body and mind, I had been getting messages on multiple social apps. People from stream wondering if I was coming back, that they missed me, and they missed the community. I spoke with individuals and realized it wasnt just about me and a dream, it was about people feeling they belonged to a community, people had their own outlet, their own safe space to vent, and be heard... I was providing that to some...
Cut to 3 months ago, I decided to make a slow casual comeback, this time focusing on those I was able to gather to my community. If I grew, I grew... If I didn't I just wanted to have fun, but if I could help just one person's day be less shitty... Then I was a success. The turn out and love I have received since returning has been amazing. I even made the Twitch Affiliation program so people could subscribe to me. I encourage my community to welcome new people and nourish that safe space for others. If we can help people deal with anxiety, depression, suicide, or struggling to be themselves... Then we have a reaponsibilty as humans to try and do so... That's my new mission. Thanks Twitch and Thanks Reddit!
I dont want to shamelessly plug my channel link, but if you are having a rough day, week, year... Stop by and say hi to us. You may find someone somewhere out there dealing with similar struggles. I am TheMalcMan on Twitch. Never give up!
| self.Anxiety |
16 feeling genuinely depressed for a while. Life is not going well, I see no future in me. Hey all, I don't know much to say, but I came upon this subreddit and I thought I could get some help. I'm 16 and usually now is the time where high schoolers take their SATs, and start deciding on which schools they want to go and all that first steps to college life. Everyone around me is so excited to graduate and to go to college. I can't feel the same because, well I don't have a single fucking clue I want to do. I have zero passion in anything, and sure I'm in clubs and extracurriculars, but thats because It's something everyone does and my friends encouraged me to join. But I just can't find something I want to do, everyone wants to be a doctor, lawyer or something, and I have nothing. I don't want to go to college, then get in a debt, just to get a job that I will be doing for the rest of my life. I just think, is this all there is? Get good scores and grades, then go to college and get a job and work until you die? Sorry if this sounds edgy as fuck. Also nothing in my life is going great to even get me into a good college or a normal job, my SAT scores are shit, because I'm a stupid fucking asian, and I'm no competitive applicant for UCs where my parents want me to go. All of my other friends are doing 1000 times better than me, and are all so hopeful while I sit here studying for tests and joining clubs and doing sports feeling a no sense of purpose, I just come home and feel tired and depressed at the end of the day. | self.depression |
Should I tell my therapist I take psychedelics? How do therapists respond to that? I want to tell her my experiences with them but I'm having anxiety about it. I'm afraid she'll judge me or view me differently and think that I need help. Should I just keep it to myself? | self.Anxiety |
I really crave the cringe in my life I think about my life and cringe at so much of it, so many stories of cringe. I can’t stop thinking about it. | self.Anxiety |
Thinking About Moving Makes Me So Anxious. I'm planning on moving into a place with my best friend this summer. I'm excited to finally leave this shit hole and start my life, but I'm also really nervous. First of all, I don't even have a job yet. I know that summer's like 6 months away, but I should get a job soon, right? Like it'll take months to buy some decent furniture. Plus I need to think about stuff like how much a uhaul will cost, cleaning supplies, groceries for the first month. Just money in general stresses me out.
Another thing is, I'm moving 6 hours away from where I am now. My friend doesn't want to leave her home town, and I really liked the school there anyways. It's not like I'll be completely alone, my dad and my oldest sister live up there. I'm okay there. The problem is I don't know how to drive so I'll have to convince someone to help. Something tells me that my mom won't be cooperative and my dad will probably just ignore my messages. One of them is gonna have to help or I'm screwed. Hopefully I can convince my mom to vacation up there for a bit. Maybe my sister will help? But honestly I don't see that happening since that means she would have to interact with my mother. I'll just have to hope that my mom has a fucking brain once the time comes and helps me out.
I think I'm most stressed about summer moving though. My home town is a tourist town so I guarantee the prices will be jacked as high as they can go this summer. The highway traffic will be shit. That'll be fun. It'll be hot as fuck so everyone will be irritable. That'll be fun. Not to mention, a lot can change in 6 months. And my roommate, who's my only option because I have no friends and I don't feel like living with some random, is not very reliable. I'm hoping she's serious this time around. Either way I'm doing this. I don't care if I'm dirt poor.
Oh wait, did I say that was the most stressful? Sorry I forgot. The biggest problem is probably going to be finding a place that will rent to me. I'm 16. I have no credit, I have no idea how living alone works, and people will probably take one look at me and decide that I'm irresponsible. I've been trying to check out the kinda of apartments listed in the area and they all seem to want a credit check or some shit. I really hope that a decent place comes up by summer, and I really hope that they don't want a credit check. Mostly I just hope that everyone is serious and cooperative and that everything goes well. If anyone's reading this, I'd love to hear your first move stories. I'm just so stressed. Maybe reading some other experiences will help calm me or at least help me prepare. I don't know anything about this stuff and I don't really have anyone to help me learn. | self.offmychest |
I feel like really killing myself. I'm not *planning* on killing myself. But I can't stop thinking about it. The thoughts and feelings are overwhelming. But I want to kill myself. And I don't feel like I can resist the urge to do it.
I'm scared.
I think I might need to go to the hospital. But my health insurance deductible just increased from 2000 dollars to 8000. A funeral is cheaper at this point.
I don't know what to do. Everything hurts so badly. | self.bipolar |
How many of you are med free? Hi! I’m noticing quite a few of you are med free. Are you? And if so, what are some strategies you use to maintain yourself? I’m not looking to get off my medication but I’d like to know tips on how I can help myself, while medicated. | self.bipolar |
Medication Switch - Suggestions? Got my blood work back from a recent doctors visit and my doc told me that my AIC, or blood glucose is up...and we will need to keep an eye on it. Did some research and found out the the med that I am on, Zyprexa, is one of the worst psych drugs for causing diabetes. I don't plan to sit here and wait until I become a full-fledged diabetic and plan to discuss a medication switch with my pdoc.
Does anyone know of an antipsychotic that does not cause diabetes? What medication would you recommend discussing with my pdoc? | self.bipolar |
I just got out of the hospital and I literally felt like I got out of jail | self.bipolar |
I'm losing all of my sleep Recently I stayed up for 50ish hours unable to sleep, and now I'm up to 30 again, with about 7 hours of sleep inbetween. I feel terrible. | self.depression |
Anyone else start feeling scared at night time? Around 7pm, thats when it starts setting in, I start feeling sketchy.. little off.. anxious... scared.. and by 9pm im just feeling so bad idk. It happens literally every night. Mornings and afternoons I am great, evening is when the anxiety comes to terrorize me. How do you combat this? | self.Anxiety |
I hate being alone but I hate being with people. Going INSANE (F 18) I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. I have really bad social anxiety (also currently doing an evaluation to see if I'm on the autism spectrum as my doctor suggested) and this makes spending time with people very difficult for me.
It's hard to explain but I feel like I never get my social needs filled because everytime I hangout with people it's so draining and nerv racking that I always feel way worse afterwards. There are a couple of people I feel comfortable with but when I spend time with them I never feel like I get anything out of it. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a bitch, I really care about all my friends it's just I don't know how else to explain it.
All these things leave me with a constant painful feeling of loneliness. Idk I just feel so empty and I know I can't live my whole life like this.
It's like no matter who I spend time with I just don't feel the connection. And it makes me really sad.
As for relationships I actually don't want that at all. All I want is to be able to spend time with friends and enjoy it.
I don't know if this made any sense at all but maybe someone else can relate haha. Peace
Tl;dr: See title
| self.Anxiety |
Post seperation anxiety? I can't even drop my kids off without crying anymore. we split in Feb, I moved out in Sept. We have been trying to share custody but I can't get the extra day off at my current job, making me basically a weekend dad. After hugging kids goodbye im a crying mess for 5-15 minutes. I've been late for work because of this. I don't drink. I'm a good person. But everybody sees through me like a ghost. I feel like a part of the furniture.
I've been too depressed to go out. I have been working out. I think I'm in good shape. But the idea of using my free gym membership terrifies me. I don't really do much but cook and game, and I feel like I don't have time for any of it, let alone finding a new mate.
TL;DR I want sombody, but the search is leaving me with cold feet after long term relationship ended. | self.depression |
Only reason I'm alive is because of my kids I feel sad less and empty more as time goes on. I don't want to exist anymore. I don't even want to talk to people I know about it because it's just the same bullshit. If I were to kill myself tonight the people that barely cared to even go out of their way to text me back would cry like I was their best friend. The few people I am close to would say "I had no idea she was this bad" when I've been nothing but obvious about everything. My 2 year old son and the fact that I'm currently pregnant are the only things that are keeping me here and I almost feel frustrated because of it. I didn't have anywhere else to turn or anyone else to talk to so I figured in case something happened I had this. | self.SuicideWatch |
Anti depressant suggestions? I have been resisting taking drugs but am tired of wasting my life with depression. I recently tried 300mg Wellbutrin daily. At first, it was great. I felt normal, like all the lows were normalized. However now, it isn't affecting me as well. By evening it has worn off and I am low and reactionary again. And it isn't even working that much during the day either. Does anyone have any suggestions about what would be good to talk to my doctor about? I am worried about side effects. Is there anything like Wellbutrin but stronger? Thanks for reading. | self.depression |
Just found out that I'm addicted to masturbation I've been beating jerking off every day since I was nine years old. It's been getting progressively more difficult to have an orgasm, but tonight I just spent 4 hours rubbing one out, and I didn't even break a sweat btw, to no avail. My genitalia is flaccid and my knuckles are in extreme pain. My entire arm is sore in fact...
Everything is desensitized. Sex is blah. I get aroused but I would rather do it myself than have someone fuck up my climax. Plus I get no sensation, I physically cum but I don't feel anything.
I took a few, ten, tests online and they all said the same thing. I'm addicted to masturbating. | self.offmychest |
Being a part of this community is a beautiful thing [deleted] | self.depression |
Am I really bipolar or have I been misdiagnosed? I was only diagnosed with bipolar a little over a week ago and I’m scared I may not be bipolar. I kind of gave reasons why I believed I was and the psychiatrist said it definitely sounds like I do have it. I might be in denial but what were the signs that made you know? I just don’t know if what I’m going through has been properly diagnosed. I have been hospitalized and seen a psychiatrist in the past and both said I was just depressed. | self.bipolar |
Those thoughts and feelings have come back, and I may actually kill myself this year. Almost a year ago, on New Year's Eve, I stood on a beach and was on the verge of jumping in the water (in the middle of winter in Chicago, mind you), and drowning myself. The day itself was rather terrible - I had not been invited by anyone to any party, I had been turned down by a girl I liked (it broke my heart, but in retrospect, I realized that it wouldn't have worked out), and I was depressed that I could not find work, no matter how hard I tried. At the very last second, a voice in my head - or my heart - stopped me. Alive, but still depressed, I drove back home.
The months to follow were uneventful, until out of the blue, I got a call in May from a family friend who offered me a summer job working as a site supervisor (and practically as an interim building manager) during a renovation job at a subsidized living community. I said yes, the hiring process was expedited, and I started working as soon as I could. $20/hr, 8 hrs a day, M-F, an hour from lunch, not even 10 minutes from home, met some great people, and enjoyed the environment so much, that it sparked an interest in property management and construction/development as a career choice.
In the beginning of July, I had lost my best friend, due to a falling out where he accused me of something that I never thought anyone - let alone my best friend whom I've known since 5th grade - would accuse me of. Needless to say, it was hard. Though I felt that we were slowly going in different directions in terms of life plans, that disintegration would have happened over the course of a good year or two, but to have this happen so suddenly - thank God I had work to keep me occupied.
Losing my best friend had an impact on my social life; it was difficult to socialize because I am an introvert (or, I suppose 'extremely guarded', or simply 'reticent', would be the appropriate term; I can be quite sociable, but it takes me a while to warm up to people), and when you lose your best friend of nearly 15 years, it doesn't tend to make you the life of the party.
As work came to a close at the end of August/beginning of September, I applied, and was accepted, to a 15-month MBA program at a nearby university (it's well-known and well-respected, particularly for business, but I won't say which), which is going really well.
My depression has started to kick back in as I've still not found a new job (and I am genuinely hungry and driven for new opportunities now, compared to a year ago), and...well, this girl (there's a lot of that on here, but bear with me).
My love life has been rather stagnant this year; I've gone on a few dates, but none of those girls really interested me. I didn't feel a connection, so I didn't get hung up on it - I simply moved on. But this past Tuesday, I saw a girl who I met a year ago, and something came over me. A year ago, we met at a get-together at her Grandmother's house that I went to with my Dad (he couldn't drive due to his hemorrhoids, so he asked if I would mind), I was in a rather shitty mood that day for some reason, I didn't make much effort to converse, we 'hugged goodbye', wished each other well, and I didn't think I would see her ever again.
Fast forward to Tuesday, my Dad and I went to the party (he drove this time), and the moment I walked in the door, everyone remembered me: her parents, her grandmother, her grandmother's sister (who made it a point to tell me several times how handsome I am), her uncles, and when she saw me, she practically power-walked over, gave me a big hug, and stood no greater than two inches from my face to talk to me. It was great, easy-going, no pretensions, no nerves, just a good conversation. As I saw my Dad getting ready to leave, I didn't even think, but it was rather instinctual, as if my mouth had opened on its own - I asked if she wanted to go out some time. She immediately replied with an excited "absolutely!" and said "let me give you my number." She put in my phone, we hugged, said 'bye', and I felt good on my way out.
Yesterday, I texted her 'Happy Thanksgiving', to which she replied with the same. I then texted 'What are you doing Saturday?', and until this very moment, not a single reply. Now, would any guy feel a bit confused? Sure. Considering how great of a conversation we had on Tuesday, and how eager she was to give me her number, I don't understand why she didn't; respond. In my desire to understand, I went so far as to check the times of each message; her first reply was about 10 minutes after I texted, after which I texted about two-three minutes later, and...no reply.
Perhaps I'm overthinking. Maybe she's busy (yesterday was Thanksgiving - I'll give her benefit of the doubt, I suppose), or I'm not a priority, but not a single response? The reason I'm upset by this, is because I actually like this girl. I know, someone will say that I like the idea of her, but I honestly feel a good vibe with this girl, especially after our conversation. Now, I'm racking my brain thinking:
Am I not good enough?
Is she replying to some other guy? What does he have that I don't?
Why couldn't she just reply 'sorry, not interested'? I would appreciate the honesty.
What the fuck did I do wrong?
I know all of this is not constructive thinking, and it will get me nowhere, but for the first time this year, I meet (or, meet again) a girl that I actually like, and I wasn't even thinking about dating or relationships when we spoke; again, it was as if my mouth - not my brain or even heart - that asked her out.
All day today, I've not eaten, because I'm hungry, but can't eat. I'm anxious, nervous, and now depressed. Those feelings from a year ago have come back. My possible failure with this girl has made me come to some heavy realizations: after turning 26 last week, I have no friends, no job, no girlfriend - nothing that a normal 26 year with a healthy life should have.
Why do I feel this way? I don't care about someone filling out the 'role' of a girlfriend, but rather, I want a companion - someone to share things with; and when I think back to how great that conversation was - yes, I get a bit excited. Throw into the mix that I've spent almost my entire life bottling up my emotions and never truly expressing myself, that when one thing upsets me emotionally, everything starts to come out. And the fact is, I am actually comfortable in my own skin to want to express myself and open up to someone.
It's only been a day, but it's been an entire day of asking myself if I'm loveable, and if I'll ever have a meaningful, fulfilling life. Why is it so easy for others? Why does everyone I see have a life that is happier and more fulfilling than mine? Don't I deserve an ounce of love and joy? The world doesn't owe me anything, but I'm human - I need love and joy like everyone else - when will it be my turn? It's really the companionship I long for; I feel that I am at a point in my left where I am ready to let someone in. A step at a time, but let someone in nonetheless. I am afraid that if I stay single for much longer, every ounce of love I have to give will have gone forever, and should someone come along who wants me for who I am, I may not be able to feel anything.
Again, it's only been a day of these thoughts and feelings (and I've actually spent the day writing a short story to help take my mind off of these thoughts), but they remind me to much of where I was a year ago, and the pain is unbearable. I have a little over a month to go, but I may finally jump in the lake on New Year's Eve.
If anything, one less emotional over-thinker in the world, making room for at least one lucky person with a bright future to shine, and have all the love and joy they want. | self.depression |
Freaking out, depression coming back Working 2 jobs just to put myself through school again. Applying to scholarships and just getting rejecting left and right. Don't qualify for any other financial aid. No friend IRL to talk to. Stress eating and gaining weight. The fraudulent activity on my credit card before my birthday screwed me over. Same with my gym about payment. And my cat of 16years might die any day due to his worsening renal disease. And if it happens, I don't know if I can afford to euthanize him... | self.offmychest |
I'm getting way too stressed out. Starting to think life isn't worth living again. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I can't kill myself because of my cat. I realized that today. This little furball shows me a very specific kind of affection. She even learned how to give "human" hugs. Everyday, sometimes a few times a day, she hops on my knees, takes her paws and face on my shoulders and purrs loudly, knitting my shirts and sweaters with her claws. I never saw her do that to anyone or anything. Just me.
Not always, but most of the times, when I'm stressed or I feel low, she storms into my room and just does kitty things. Sometimes she interacts with me, sometimes she allows to pet her without doing anything back, sometimes she's just there, having an eye on me. Also, she always sleeps in my chair, next to the bed. Almost everynight.
Today, I felt suicidal since the morning and I was even making plans, but another session of a kitty imitating human hugs made me research the topic of cat feelings. It turns out, that those little creatures can get depressed when their owner is not around and overall it stresses them out, gives them anxiety, makes them apathetic and waiting for the owner to come back.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I don't want to cause any harm to this little thing and that's what keeps me alive. | self.depression |
I am going to default on my loans and lose a future job - financial manipulative and creepy father - | self.SuicideWatch |
I worry about my friends too much. Gah, I hate this. I end up getting freaked out and worried about them, and I end up texting them a lot, which in turn makes me worried that I’m driving them away. I know a few of them have been pretty depressed lately, so I guess I just really don’t want them to go through what I am. I care about them, and I want to try and help, even if I can’t. I really don’t want to lose any more of my friends. | self.Anxiety |
Are there varying degrees of BPII? I get severe depression, and maybe mixed states I think. I have hypomania characterized by some mild hallucinating, lack of sleep, flight of ideas, lack of focus--but hypomania doesn't last long at all.
I'm just wondering if there are varying degrees of BPII wherein hypomania is very mild in severity and duration, depression is very severe, and mixed states are somewhere in between. | self.bipolar |
Trying to get off duloxetine. I guess I don't get to sleep for a while. Getting nightmares and sweats every night. I'm a little traumatized by the depths of my brain and its ability to not only generate disturbing material, but also link it to long-forgotten nostalgia.
Just got zapped awake from an epic saga of falling, various things trying to kill me, gigantic spiders, lost friends, etc, only to find that just a couple hours have passed.
I haven't had any withdrawals this unfortunate from any of the dozen other medications I've taken for the last 10ish years. | self.depression |
Is running a good alternative to medication? My mental health counselor suggested that it might help to meet a psychiatrist and receive medication for depression and anxiety -the latter being the bigger problem.
I am still unsure on whether I want medication.
So, I wanted to ask if running on a daily basis can significantly help such people suffering from anxiety and depression as me, to a point where medication would not be required. | self.Anxiety |
You ever stay up late at night And think about how much of a failure you are. How you won't get anywhere. Even though you start dreaming you realize they will always only be dreams because reality is fucking shitty and the truth is that good shit won't come. I just keep thinking about how I haven't done it yet, like for some odd reason I'm still here dealing with this bullshit when I can just easily end it within a few seconds. Crappy how you can just end your life like that but rebuilding it and trying to get to a better day takes years. | self.depression |
I was threatened online not too long ago and I am scared, please help I was on Discord and this very strange and toxic person claimed to have played Counterstrike with me. I chose to speak with him and he accused me of attempting to DDoS and hack him. I had no idea what he was talking about. He spent the next few sentences asking me uncomfortable personal questions, which I ignored. He told me that hacking is very bad and he would be keeping an eye on me to make sure I don't do it again.
Some very strange behavior occured the next day, my internet was taken out (may have been an attack or DDoS) and a tab with "IP To Location 192..." popped up when I connected to the internet. I am sure he has the IP for my mobile phone.
At first glance, this seems to just be some nutjob or troll right? But my mind has gone crazy with theories, that he has hacked into my internet and my phones to "keep an eye on me" and that he used my IP to find out where I live and is stalking my house. I dont know how to feel, I am in shock. Is this a rational fear? Do I have any serious grounds to be afraid? How can I protect myself? | self.Anxiety |
I'm gonna commit suicide next month, and I'm excited about it So I've been depressed for a while now. Meds don't really help. Been in therapy as well and bullocks. On top of the depression I have PTSD, GAD and panic disorder. I've been suicidal since high school and now I'm 23, in university but failing.
I have a method planned out and everything, and a backup as well just in case. I'm really tired of living and being a burden. I understand that that sounds untrue to most people but yeah.
I'm just not doing it now because it's exam season and I don't wanna cause disruptions. Then after all bets are off. I'm also pushing people away to minimise the shock or whatever.
The thought of being dead is the only thing I'm looking forward to. There's light at the end of the tunnel. It's probably hell fire but it's still light.
Thanks for reading. Just wanted to put this somewhere
04 January
My attempt was botched. Still here for a little bit longer I guess😕 | self.depression |
Academic advise I'm seeking admission in Canada for M.Sc in soil science. I've Emailed most of the supervisors, some of them usually don't reply and others say their lab is full. I've scored 7 in IELTS and published 2 papers. So, I need advice to get a supervisor? | self.offmychest |
Is it normal to cry in therapy? I’ve been seeing the same therapist for depression / anxiety for just under six months now, and yesterday, we touched on some personal stuff and I spent the remainder of the session bawling & pretty much unable to even speak. My therapist was nice about it, but honestly I just felt uncomfortable and am curious if this happens regularly / if others have had a similar experience. | self.depression |
Can't handle today... I've been numbing myself for most part of last... 17 years I think, weed/meth/valium/booze, whatever takes my mind off of things. Been a good girl for last month or so, but since I'm off my meds (why even bother, they don't help for my mixed cycle) and I'm really not equiped to handle my depressive states, I'm finding it really hard today to stay sober. Everyone in my support network is busy/working/happy elsewhere and I can't get myself to ask for help. Going from angry to suicidal to crying my eyes out, and I know the only thing keeping me from doing anything stupid atm is drugs, all I can think of is a few of those magic xanax pills or leftover coke I could be taking right now, just to survive this night, just to stop feeling this pain. Wine is good, but I don't have enough to silence those fucking "you're a waste of space" thoughts in my head, I know if I do give up Imma go off the rails again, but it's so tempting. But if I do I'll turn out to be the exact piece of shit I think I am. Fuck...
| self.bipolar |
I Can never be innocent Again. Never. It's all i want. I envy all of you. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm currently on 50mg seroquel XR at night, and it has done WONDERS for my moods (I feel extremely stable) as well as I no longer feel anxious or paranoid. However, the nighttime sedation totally messes up school for me. Should I switch meds again? Or try to overcome it? | self.bipolar |
Nothing Matters Last quarter I was put on a corrective action at work due to absences. I have chronic migraines and depression and work under a lot of florescent lighting with people, so both issues make my job pretty hard. I went three months of sticking it out, never calling in, never leaving early.
Yesterday I called in with a migraine after building up the sick time. Now today I still have the same migraine and am horribly depressed. All this hard work for months was for nothing.
I'm incredibly frustrated that I can't live a successful adult life. When I'm at work, I bust my ass the entire 8 hours with a smile on my face the whole time because I really love working. But between my head pounding and my horribly depressed thoughts, today I'd rather just be fired than have to go in. And that makes me frustrated, and sad. | self.depression |
I stopped taking my meds and I regret it I feel really panicked. I thought they weren't working and that the side effects outweighed the benefit of taking them. I was wrong. I'm just sped up, scared for no reason. I can't stand to be apart from my SO while he's at work right now. There's a knot in my throat. I couldn't remember what this felt like, and I feel so dumb for forgetting. Please do me a favor and don't make the decision to stop taking your meds. At least not without a medical professional's advice. | self.bipolar |
Nothing Excited me as a Child Hey guys, this is my first post in a long time back on reddit because I quit for awhile to try and sort myself out.
Well life has hit me really hard again lately, so here I am.
I’m just wondering if any of you can relate to never being excited as a kid? Or like things that were supposed to excite you made you anxious/embarrassed?
For instance, I hated going on vacations with my family. I did not find them fun at all. I hated going to amusement parks and field trips because everyone around me would be having so much fun and I just couldn’t. I rarely got excited on any holiday except a little bit on Christmas because it was the only time of year when everything around me seemed to calm down and people seemed to be genuinely nice to each other. I never thought my birthday was a big deal and never wanted parties, even though I had a good amount of friends. I just feel like this isn’t normal for a kid and maybe I am actually clinically depressed, BUT I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A DIAGNOSIS. | self.depression |
My first love, and my final goodbye to her. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Lying, relapse, psychosis and other things that are bringing me to my knees I know I [posted](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/7mvuky/i_lied_to_my_therapist_again_i_dont_think_i_can/) earlier today, so I'm sorry about posting twice in one day about similar things.
I'm just having a really hard time with the fact that I "relapsed" and told my therapist a lie. I've been feeling so guilty about it all day and have cried numerous times. I'm not sure whether to tell him the truth or not, fearing that he will drop me as a client. I really like working with him, but I'm afraid this would be the final straw, though he hasn't really given me indication of that. I'm just so disappointed in myself. I was doing so good and not lying for several months. Even he acknowledged that I was making progress.
I've just been having a terrible time lately. Not only did I relapse and lie, I've also been going through my first episode of psychosis (according the my psychiatrist), which has brought me to my knees. I feel like my life is out of my control. I don't have really anyone to talk to about it other than my therapist, and I might have ruined that relationship.
I hate myself so much. I keep fucking up. My brain is a prison. I don't want to be here anymore, but I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it.
I just want everything to go quiet. | self.Anxiety |
I feel like someone is in my house. This started yesterday. Right before leaving for a restaurant I turned on my room light since it's hard to turn on in the dark. I came back and my room light was off. I just told myself that I must've turned it off on the way out.
I went to bed and wokeup an hour later throwing up.(Went to bed at 11 and woke up at 12). I had no stomach pains when I fell asleep. It looked like a very red watermelon. My stomach wasn't really hurting it just felt odd. When I got up I started throwing up. I stayed up for awhile afterwards and went to bed at 2am. When I wokeup my father asked if I went downstairs because all the lights were on.
Wtf? I don't know what's up with all this. I don't understand how I fell asleep with no stomach pains at all and 50 minutes later I woke up throwing up everywhere. My imagination is kind of running wild right now.
Edit: i just read my post and its all over the place. Sorry about that. I don't even know why I posted this | self.Anxiety |
I don't know how sane I am Sometimes i just feel like, what if what i see isn't what is happening. not as if I'm in a coma, its more like I feel that what I do and what I perceive are completely different from what others see and perceive. And yet I'm still happy, which makes me feel like maybe I just have some form of mental problem, where everybody sees me as an outcast but I see myself as part of the social norm. Beside all of this, I'm still very happy, and even if these things are true, than I don't really care. | self.offmychest |
What the fuck is wrong with me .
3 months ago I was in college, one of the best in my area, I have all the education I need to work in TV and I got a job there, sounds good right? Well 2 weeks In thoughts started occurring to me, what if I get fired? What if I fail my classes? What if I loose my friends? Now I want to make it clear, I've had depression and anxiety for about 4 years and it hasn't gotten any easier hell it's the reason my last realtonship ended in flames. Anyway so I tried not to succumb to the pressure and bad thoughts that comes with anxiety and depression so I started to try as hard as I could and even still I started to fail my classes so I thought well fuck how am I supposed to deal with this and the same day someone I thought I could count on decided she didn't want to be friends anymore so instead of coming and talking to me like an adult she decided to call the cops and wrongfully accuse me of stalking and tried to have me arrested long story short I ended up having to spend a night in holding. So I lost a friend and to make a long story short my whole world is crumbling right in front of me, I left school, I don't have a job and I think one of my best friends I think doesn't want to be friends anymore and you know what I don't blame her, and just for now we will call her, M and truth be told I've kinda developed feelings for, M as much as I like to deny that it's the truth, this might not even be in the same category but I'm also an extremely violent person I got it under control in the past few years but that doesn't stop the thoughts hurting someone else as a kid once I stabbed another kid in the arm with scissors, even my other friends, I'll name them A, and J, I think of hurting, I honestly don't know what to do. I almost killed myself I had the knife pressed up against my stomach and if the RA didn't come in I probably would have done it, and honestly I'm thinking about doing it again. Hell I don't tell my friends this A, and J I see them as brothers but when I talk to them I put on this brave face but it's just an act when underneath I'm weak and in serous pain. | self.depression |
I can't even enjoy procrastinating anymore At least procrastinating gave me feeling when I felt increasingly empty and purposeless in life. I'm at the turbulent age of fifteen and it's been difficult to cope. My life has been at a steadily declining low ever since the beginning of my formative years. I can't enjoy much, but I don't want to die. What should I do? My parents aren't helping. I feel lonelier than ever and I just need some support from someone. | self.depression |
I think my life is over. I’ve reached the end. I have no more will to live. So good night life as I understand it. It’s been a nice break from an eternity of non-existence. | self.SuicideWatch |
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