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Apparently I'm manic Lately one of my telltale signs of mania lately is hypersexual behaviors. And I couldn't stop myself...at work. I'm kind of ashamed, moreso lucky a manager didn't see me, if they did I probably would have tried to jump their bones though haha....
Some marks on some wood happened to line up with what I was marking down and I about lost my shit thinking the universe is clearly telling me something but talked myself out of it lol. So maybe hypomanic not manic. I'll just keep bouncing from one end of the store to the other, just gotta last until tomorrow afternoon and I see my new doctor. Not even a whole day COME ON! So pumped up and I don't even know why lol
On a slight side note I've either also developed telepathy or I'm hearing things but either way it's mostly entertaining.
Peace out, love you all, yadda yadda. Keep it real ladies! | self.bipolar |
NOTHING HAPPENED I've been feeling ok. Not great, but ok. And now, suddenly, I have an impossibly strong urge to cut myself. I want to lie down, alone, and stop existing, and there is no reason for it!!
Why is my brain doing this to me? How is it that I can be having a perfectly normal day and then BAM depression?
I'm just so fucking tired of this. The only reason I'm not cutting right now is that I know I'll regret this later. | self.depression |
I passed my driving exam after 5 failed attempts [removed] | self.depression |
Paralyzed at work Hello, this is my first time posting here, but i needed to get this out, and this seemed like a good place. Many days at work, I find myself paralyzed with anxiety. Thinking about projects I'm behind on, mistakes I've recently made, or mistakes that I made a while ago that come back up. It leaves me unable to get work done today, or address those projects with my boss. I know that I need to communicate to address my issues, but I feel unable to. Every mistake, every delay etc, leads me to fire myself in my head, and makes me less and less confident in a job where confidence is important. This post rambles, but if anyone has any advice, it'd be greatly appreciated. | self.Anxiety |
I can't do what i used to love anymore I used to stream. I absolutely loved it. Playing games, talking to people, entertaining, making jokes - the usual.
I stopped in the summer cause my room was getting too hot and developed some sort of anxiety.
I tried one or two streams after it cooled down, where one ended up being pretty shitty.
From there...i just...started to overthink every single thing. My mind made up 1 billion scenarios about what could go wrong.
Now it terrifies me. Putting myself out there again.
My bf is very supportive and tries to help but so far I managed to stream once (for an hour). It was a total disaster.
My gameplay sucked, I was nervous and couldn't really talk.
The thing I was sooo afraid of happened when I actually TRIED.
I don't know how to leave all that shit behind and just DO. It's like i have this incredible force inside me that blocks me from just clicking the stream button.
I know this doesn't seem like a big deal to some but it's something that made me very happy and that I enjoyed a ton.
Thanks to other anxiety and many health issues (I basically get sick when going outside) it's pretty much impossible for me to have a "normal" job. So, at least TRYING to biuld some sort of career from streaming is just the ideal situation, even though I know it's super unlikely.
I just wanna be able to do again what made me so happy but I don't know how. | self.Anxiety |
I lied about my report card. I told my Dad my average was 86 when it was really 75. I can't tell him but I just need to tell SOMEONE. Oh god I feel so bad but I don't want him to be disappointed in me... god.
I've been doing more activities to get my mind of off it but I just can't. It hurts. | self.offmychest |
Will I ever do it for me? I used to think I was the passively suicidal type, where I want to die but would never actually commit suicide. This was because after my last attempt I saw my dad cry for the first time and it was utterly heartbreaking. But then again, the next day he was back to destroying my self esteem again.
The only and I mean absolutely only reason I'm still alive is because of my dog. Where I live now if I did it my roommates wouldn't even notice and my dog wouldn't get taken care of. That why I've waited until Christmas break at my parents house to finally do it. I'm very aware that it's selfish of me to leave my dog in the hands of my parents but I really feel like I finally need to stop living for her and do it for myself.
When I say I'm alone, I actually mean it. I'm not just oooh woe is me I have nooo friends but actually has a lot type. I mean I have one person I'm even slightly friends with and my mother are the only people that text me more than once a month. All my classmates think I'm retarted but I'm really just so depressed I can barely get myself out of bed let alone study for anything.
I'm a nursing major so you'd think the bitches around me would notice the signs of depression and at least make the slightest effort to act like I exist but nope. One of my teachers is the only one who has actually noticed. Everyone in my class went to hang out after class and of course I wasn't invited again and she goes "are you ok? Do you not really get along with them? I'm here if you need to talk" that's the only time anyone is noticed. And she did because she's a FNP with a masters degree who also had depression.
I've never understood it, but I literally repulse everyone that's around me. I thought it was because I was shy and rarely talked in high school , but in college when I try extremely hard to have good conversations with everyone I still end up sitting alone. I also thought it was because I end up pushing people away. But I've made a huge effort to take initiative and try and make plans with people but still end up alone. My mom always tells me it's not me it's them, but I've been without friends for almost a decade so obviously something is wrong with me.
I've gained 60 pounds since my senior year of high school (2years ago) and I don't even know how. I didn't even noticed I gained weight until I saw a picture of myself. It's so disgusting I can't even stand to look in the mirror. It feels like I'm in a fat suit. Still though I'm not clinically obese I'm just moderately overweight for my body proportion.
My dad stood overtop of me when I was eating a taco (my last meal before I started yet another diet) and started telling me how obese I am and saying that I'll never be able to be a nurse because I'll be so fat that everyone's gonna have to take care of me. He tried to ask if he needed to send me somewhere. I said "I hate to break it to you, but I'm not fat enough for fat camp" I've been the same weight for a year. I gained the 60 and it fluctuates 5 pounds by water weight no matter if I eat fast food daily or if I eat one meal a day, it doesn't matter. The weight won't come off.
He also told me when I was in high school getting a D in honors chem and a C in math that I'm too stupid to get a job anywhere but McDonald's. He claims he was trying to motivate me. He spends his time just trying to make me feel like shit. He tells me to not work so that I can have a break. I say ok and don't work, then he tells me I'm lazy. Whatever I do he thinks I should be doing the opposite.
I just can't live like this anymore. My parents try and tell me they couldn't handle loosing me but why would my dad call once last semester? A mother who only cares sometimes and a dog are not enough reason to live. I think I finally found the right pill combinations to get the job done. I've been crushing pills every night to prepare because I will not fail at this again. I just hate the feeling of waking up after a bottle of pills knowing you failed again. Last time it was so bad I fell asleep at a nascar race. I was so fucked up from taking half a bottle of cymbalta I could barely keep my eyes open. I've been on every depression medication possible in the last 8 years and nothing ever works long term. I either have no motivation and am insanely depressed or are so anxious I can't function. Doctors can't listen no one can.
In 7th grade I used to sit with a belt tied around my neck for hours but I could never get it tight enough. My dad and sister saw my cut marks from when I self harmed and they never did a damn thing. I hate it when people say suicide is selfish. It's more selfish to ignore someone and make them feel so worthless that I know when I finally get to die they will feel more sorry for themselves having lost a daughter than they will actually for me. People are so cruel and have no idea the power words have on them. Everyone around me is so blissfully stupid about the signs of depression it's pathetic. It's all mental as my dad says | self.depression |
My suicideous evolution 13 years old. I was thinking about suicide all day long. Until I met her, that girl. I fell in love with her and I think she is falling in love with me rn. This post is made to encourage the persons that are about to make something they will regret and make their close ones regret too. I remember when my father died. When my grandfather did too. Then my grandmom. I was at a 1% away from suicide. And I finally met LIVE in my life. Discovered a passion for horror novels, anime, and all sorts of things. With this post, I hope people who are about to suicide, think about it. AGAIN AND AGAIN. Because you can be happy with a little nothing. Because nature is awesome. Because LIFE IS GREAT. Don't back down on the smallest obstacle, persevere. And finally to end this post, a bit of humor: JUST DO IT! | self.SuicideWatch |
Constantly living with fear and stress Hello...
For the past year or so I have been constantly worried.
Worried about my family, worried about my friends, just constantly worried that something bad will happen. I am always afraid that when the phone rings it will be bad news, or if the door bell rings it will be the police at the door.
I have had some situations with family in the past year where they have been in danger or gotten hurt, which I think is the cause of this worrying.
I can function during the days as normal, but the worrying is always in the back of my head and it feels like my heart is shaking all the time in fear. I'm only 25 years old and on the outside my friends and family don't know anything is wrong, but I have always been naturally quiet since I was a child. I have always tried to keep to myself and not bother anyone.
I'm looking for help because I know this constant worrying is not good for my health and honestly I can't take it anymore. My mind constantly lives in fear. Help. | self.Anxiety |
Last fall I was very inactive... Now I'm paying the price this spring I was really lazy/ unmotivated last year's fall.
I was retaking a course which I haven't gotten through yet due to the anxiety it made me feel.
The retake is in two weeks and I'm so worried cause I don't know if I even have all my paperwork to study for it and I just want to stay indoors all fortnight til then but I have other courses.
The course is one that I should've been through already before I started my current courses (Russian grammar and text studies etc.) And it's eating me up how stressed but still unmotivated I am.
I've had sleep problems along with the fights I've had with my sister about living with her and just a lot of my past causing me to feel down... And I feel like I need to change my major to something but that kind of change feels like it's too late for me. (And my mum just makes everything sound worse which just makes meeting family even worse than before)
Anyway this is me, once again on this sub, venting about my stupid miserable life that I'd gladly change to my daydreams in an instant.
To explain how I feel right now:it's 1.30 am and k can't sleep. I just feel like if I were to be stabbed in the stomach I'd feel better. Like all the pressure would be gone.
TL; DR: I'm way in over my head sometimes and I don't know how to live with any of school ATM. Oh also life has me fricking down. | self.Anxiety |
Outsider looking for advice/understanding of a BP friend Hello everyone. I have recently become involved in a relationship with a person who is suffering from BP2 and am looking for some advice has to how I should approach a few things. I myself have
struggled with hefty mental health problems (Pure OCD) and am trying to understand and relate to her as best I can. I know that the first step in dealing with something like this is to become educated and informed so I figured I'd come straight to the source.
Long story short; we have been seeing each other for a few months. Everything is great, we are super compatible and are becoming closer each and everyday. We have a very active sex life but after some research this seems to be a common occurrence in BP suffers. We both love hanging out and agree we are pretty good for each other. Things are for the most part pretty great. Yadda yadda yadda
When we begin to start talking about our relationship things tend to get a little unusual. Since we both have mental disorders I like to have very strong communication and keep things pretty clear while establishing trust. We agreed to be exclusive and not pursue anyone else but she has become hesitant to call the relationship "serious." She claims that whenever she begins to call someone a boyfriend she tends to take dip in mood and things do not end up great. She told me that she had a pretty bad episode after she broke up with her previous boyfriend of two years and it seems to me like she fears for both of us. She seems to be fine with the way things are currently and being exclusive but I can't help but think her approach to relationships is odd and it makes me crazy (OCD) sometimes and it can be tough. She still keeps in touch with previous boyfriends and text with them off and on which is a little unnerving for me but she ensures me they are just friends and I trust her that it is platonic. She is pretty adamant that her hesitation is her disorder. So as you can imagine this makes things confusing for me which leads to many questions that usually leads back to BP2. She also drinks pretty heavily but not enough to the point that it drastically effects our relationship.
Are these things common of BP sufferers? I just want to try and approach things carefully and be understanding of her disorder. I am just a bit confused by some of these unusual parts of our relationship. I know relationship advice is pretty tough and complex but I thought I might get some insight and learn something from a community like this. Thanks for listening. | self.bipolar |
Song that I think really nails how bipolar feels I've used this song to show several people how I feel and for some stupid reason it shows them and it also reminds me it's not just me out here
https://g.co/kgs/4vYEVP | self.bipolar |
I’m my friend’s suicide hotline. How do I help them and not push them away when I come home from studying abroad? I’m currently studying abroad so I’m always awake late into the night when my friend is awake and contemplating life. She has a strong belief that she pushes everyone away who she gets close to, friends, family, SO’s. My friend has a history of hurting themselves, and struggles with depression, saying it’s hard to get out of bed every day, so how could she do anything else.
Recently she confessed she liked me as more than friends since I’m always here to help her out with her problems and seem to care about who she is. Very different than how she views most people in her life. However, I don’t have the same feelings, and let her down. Now she accuses me of hating her whenever we disagree and blames herself for the fact that I am not interested, making it hard to talk to her.
I have some experience with depression, but have a purpose for myself in athletics that keeps me going every day no matter how I feel, so I don't have the best things to say all the time. In the last month or so I learned she cut herself 3 times, and has gone to some of their friends for support but they did not really help out in the way she wanted. I have a feeling that she goes to them with this kind of ultimatum a lot, that she is going to cut herself. So I can see why they want to get that voice out of their head.
I want to help, and I have been able to as best I can from abroad. But I am coming home soon, and I won’t be awake for any of this anymore, I sleep early and a lot, and I won’t be spending the time she probably wants me to with her when I go back to school, since I’ll have classes and athletics to deal with, on top of all my other relationships. So I think she will accuse me of abandoning her / her pushing me away like everyone else and get even worse than she is now.
What can I do as I start to go back home to help her out?
TLDR: I’m coming home from study abroad so I won’t be available to help my friend when she needs it. How can I keep helping her without her feeling like she pushed me away when I don’t have as much time to help or talk?
| self.SuicideWatch |
Convince Me (why not to go through with this) I'm 17, in my first semester of Uni, and been falling in and out of depression for the past year. However, I've been very deeply depressed for the past several weeks, and I've started to seriously consider ending my life for the first time, serious to the point of starting to plan out when, where, and how - I've even written a first draft of a note. Despite that, I wouldn't consider myself *extremely* high risk just yet - I won't dare do anything because I know how much pain it will cause my family and close friends... I want to die with a clear conscience. I also know that my conscience won't necessarily hold out forever, and that what I have of a plan so far will still be here, regardless of how my mood changes day to day. I've always loved philosophy, so I guess I'm just looking for some kind of logical, rational argument as to why my not being dead is better, something I can look back to whenever I feel like this, whether that's tomorrow, a one month, or five from now. Just saying "my life isn't worth it" won't help - I need **reasons**, a logically sound argument. I won't give names/locations/etc for obvious reasons, but if asking a question could help, then ask away - I'll decide whether to answer.
(I considered posting this in /r/suicidology, but I figured that was for discussions of a more "hypothetical" nature) | self.SuicideWatch |
Heartbreak You were the first person I ever felt truly accepted me and all my flaws. You taught me how to love unconditionally. I felt as though we were meant to be together. I had been so lonely and hurt before I met you, and you showed me happiness and love.
I know we were young, I know you wanted me to abort my unexpected pregnancy. I forced you into it, I made you agree to keep the baby. Had I known you had cheated on me the week before I found out I was pregnant, I probably wouldn't have kept it. Maybe we would have split up and gone on our way. Led happy lives.
But I didn't know. I had this strong feeling like I wanted to keep the baby, I felt like I needed to. Our first argument ever was you telling me to abort. I confided in a few people that I found out I was pregnant, unknowingly they went to you to congratulate you, tell you how much of a good father you would be. They didn't know you didn't want it. I felt as though I was making you accept something you didn't want. When you finally told me that we could keep it, I knew deep down you didn't want to, but I selfishly held onto those words without care for you and embarked on the journey to parenthood. I felt as though my life would finally get some meaning. I would be a mother, with a man I loved so deeply, unconditionally at my side.
When I found out you'd cheated on me, I was heartbroken. I was at that same party with you, you had removed me and placed me in a dark room by myself and told me I needed to lay down and stay in there. You had put me away so you could pursue another woman. I remember on the way home you brought up how we would feel if one of us cheated, I innocently thought that this was just us getting to know and set boundaries for each other. But I guess you're motives weren't pure. A week later I found out about my pregnancy. Were you also worried about the possibility of the other girl being pregnant? You weren't safe that's for sure.
I was deep in postpartum depression and my heart broke even more over what you had done. I didn't find out about you cheating on me until our child was already born, and it didn't come from you. You would have taken it to your grave. I found it in me to forgive you though. I hated my body, I hated myself. I didn't think I would ever survive leaving you and trying to live life on my own, I knew I couldn't raise a child alone. But I didn't trust you raising our child alone either. So I stayed. I tried to get help, to find happiness.
Over the years, you would fail at being employed, fail at household responsibilities and I became the head of everything. I was responsible for everything.
And then when you asked to open our relationship up recently, I agreed on the basis that we would not seek out other relationships. We agreed that we would be okay with casual encounters. We agreed to no strings attached sex. But that wasn't enough for you. You joined every dating app you could. You had several sexual encounters. Then it happened. You found her. You were so clearly in love with her. You started to talk to her every day, all day. You'd sext with her often. I told you that it looked like you were developing a relationship with her and that I wasn't comfortable with it. You continued. You met with her, you had sexual encounters with her. You couldn't stop talking about her. How beautiful she is, how smart she is. How sexy you find her. You stopped touching me unless you'd been sexting with her and swapping nudes just prior. I told you again I was not okay. You introduced me to her, I thought she was nice, we started to become friends. But then on her request, we were to put all friendship and communication on hold while she worked on herself. I could hear my heart break when I found out you had both continued your sexual relationship behind my back. That was cheating. You both went behind my back to continue after having me believe that everything was paused. When I confronted you, I lost her as a friend. She told you I wasn't honest with you and I was hiding things, told you I hated her, told you I didn't want her talking to you, telling you how she was in trouble with me for talking to you. Where did this come from so suddenly? The day after I find out what was going on?? I told you that I had not told her anything of the sort. Alarm bells rang. Guilty conscious much? The she blocked me on all social media, no chance for me to ask her what she was talking about. You told me she had blocked you too. That was a lie wasn't it? Less than one week later, your birthday, I take you out for drinks, and your guard is down. Who do I see you talking to? Her.
You introduce me to her as a friend, tell me your intentions is now just friends, but you lied. I trusted her, and accepted her as a friend. I became friends with her husband too as do you. I hang out with her husband as a friend, she makes it seem like she's okay with it, but she wasn't. She had such an angry outburst over it, but then tried to tell you it was my fault because I told her to leave so I could have a sexual relationship. That was not true. In fact, I told her that since she was suddenly available when she was supposed to be at work that I'd love her to hang out too. But now I do not trust her or her intentions with you. Why did she tell you that I told you I was not okay with it. I told you I was hurt. You told me you understood, that you cared. But if you did care, you would have stopped when I asked you too. And I asked you to a lot.
Now here I am. Broken. The first person to truly love and accept me is now in love with another woman. Another woman who is poly-amorous. One who has the money to buy you the sex toys you want, one who satisfies you better than I can, one who is far smarter than I have, one with an amazing figure that hasn't been destroyed like mine was.
But I love you so fucking much, I want you to be happy. If you want her just fucking go already. Stop telling me it's nothing, stop telling me you love me not her. Actions speak louder than words. I know I forced you into a life you didn't want with marriage and a baby, and I am so sorry for that, but please don't tell me that its me you want when you cannot stop talking to her even when I ask you too. | self.offmychest |
Taking an initiative to open up Hello, so I've never really opened up and talked about my depression because people either don't get it or it breeds negativity and I don't want to force that on other people. However I'm currently 22 and maybe it could help right? Forewarning this is really long and quite pointless.
So some preamble first. When I was born my dad left cause the responsibility was too much. After that my older sister left when I was 7 to go live with her boyfriend in Alberta Than when I entered middle school my friends from elementary school and I drifted apart for various reasons. These things together left me extremely insecure as I began to question what was wrong with me that my friends and family would just leave me behind. This led me to skipping almost 700 days of middle school as I realized that I was a burden to everyone.
This prompted my mom to send me to live with my uncle to deal with me. I Stayed with them for a summer and it was alright but when Highschool started I began to skip again because I was anxious about what people thought of me and so insecure. My Aunt and Uncle did not like this and said that I did not give a shit and would never give a shit so they kicked me out and sent me back to live with my mom.
When I got back my mom had started dateing a new guy and I resented him because he just imposed all these rules and expected me to listen to them and respect him because he was an adult. When I did not listen he would either hit me or lock me out all night as a punishment. This Countinued for a couple months until when I turned 15 my mom came to me and said "don't I deserve to be happy" I don't remember what I said at the time but it ended with me being sent to foster care.
I Spent three years in one foster home with 3 other foster kids 2 boys and one girl. The home was pretty bad they did not really give two shifts about us. If u were not home for dinner u did not eat and u could only eat a one snack at 3 and 8 and if u missed those times no snack. They kept locks on all the pantry and if u brought something into the house like food or a game consol u had to share it with everyone but their kids did not have to follow any of these rules. Also I started working at McDonald's at this time and with the advent of monetary income I realized I could maintain friendships by buying them stuff which was a beacon of hope since I had not had a real friendship since elementary school. Unfortunately since I was working closing shifts everyday I would be locked out every night since I was not home by 11 and the foster parents would just lock me out because I could not have a key and they would not stay up.
In order to cope with this situation I started drinking a 710ml bottle of alcohol a day. This continued for 2 years until I was 18 and moved out. Unfortunately the week before I moved out I was fired for drinking at work. This caused a loss in income causing all my fake friends to leave cause they had nothing to gain and since I now lived on my own I had no interaction with anyone. This led to severe depression as I realized that not one person gave a shit about me.
I Soon became homeless for a couple months drifting between shelters until My cousin got in contact with me. I had not seen her in 5 years so we agreed to meet We met up had lunch and I told her a bit about my life and she endup letting me stay with her. Honestly I treated her like shit because I just have no self worth after all the abandonedment and I feel like I'm nothing but a burden and she hated that but still In recent memory it's the only time I felt happy. Just spending time with someone that has similar interests and trying to enjoy it even if I felt that my happiness was putting strain and unhappiness on her part. Which logically I know is not the case but it's still how I feel. Anyway after a week we got in contact with my sister that left when I was 7 and she said that I could come live with her because the town she lived in had lots of job opportunities. So my cousin paid for the flight and off I went.
I ARRIVED and on the drive to her house one of the first things she said to me was that I had one month to find a job otherwise there would be issues. I Mean no mention of this when we spoke on skype so I felt kinda betrayed but I understood to a point. Anyway her boyfriend's dad got me a job in construction and after the first day I realized I could not do the job because I was being too much of a burden to the workers there. Making them due double the work by having to clean up after me because I was too weak. so I told my sister I was gonna quit and find some other work where I was not a burden and she said that I was just lazy and did not give a shit so she threatened to kick me out. I was so hurt by this statement because I do care but she did not understand that so I just left.
I Ended up staying with some friends of my sister as a renter and I've stay here for about a year. I have not tried to reconnect with my sister because I'm so scared of rejection and abandonedment that I can't. Now I have not messaged my cousin back since coming to stay with my sister because I just don't want to burden her I mean nothing in my life has been positive and I can't bring myself to thrust that negativity on her. SO she came and visited a couple weeks ago and we met up once on the night before she was leaving. It was pretty horrible I wanted to explain why I did not message or contact her back but she just said that If I really cared that I would have messaged her back and that clearly I did not give a shit. Honestly this was the worst thing and I don't know I can't stop thinking about it and it makes me feel horrible and that I'm even worse than I thought (which was already worthless) to the point where I keep thinking about suicide even tho I know I should not do it.
As it stands now I'm only getting 2 hours of sleep a day I'm barely eating and my interests in music, anime, and psychology no longer interest me to the point where I don't even watch or study them anymore. The only things I do recently are work and gamble on phone gacha games. The games give me a sense of self fullfillment through the chemical release in the brain but mostly they just keep me depressed. Also I've tried counseling and therapy but I live in a small town and the only ones around have basically told me that I'm thinking wrong and that I should change it. They than give me some exercises that never work so I don't know what to do. Also I currently work Alone and since this is a small town I have no way to meet people with similar interests so yeah I don't know if I have Depression but currently I just don't know why I still get up at all.
Anyway I know this was absurdly long and had terrible formatting and grammar so I'm sorry but I just thought that maybe writing out some of my issues would help me. No way to tell yet but thanks for reading. | self.depression |
Feel a void in my life..... I don't have anyone... I failed as music student and ever since I've never been the same. Because of work (full time) and school I found myself always turning down friends invites cause I work now they don't acknowledge my existence. At this point theirs a lot I can say but I feel lost and lonely..... I feel like I don't deserve to be here... | self.depression |
Feeling very much on the edge I left the mother of my children--a bipolar, exceptionally abusive person--for a wonderful woman who is now my wife. My ex keeps tormenting us with a variety of BS, including false drugs charges, petitions for sole custody (I used to be a stay at home dad, even), etc. I've had depression for ages, and it's relatively well managed I suppose. But, when my current wife and I got together, I was, I thought, smoothing over the divorce by pretending to still be at all invested in that relationship, which I super was not. I know, it doesn't make any sense, and is a horrible thing to do.
Anyway, I've lived with the guilt of that, and my wife being angry and not trusting me for doing that, and the shame and self loathing, but I can't deal with knowing how much I hurt her. And knowing that she can't really trust me, that she doesn't believe me when I tell her I love her.
And it's too much. I've been very depressed for some time, and occasionally suicidal, but I'm just crying and shaking and I just don't want to live anymore. Then I feel guilty about that, because I have 5 amazing kids (2 bio, 3 step), 2 cats, maybe a couple friends (neither of who I can count on right now because of their own personal problems). I have parents and a brother, but am pretty estranged from them.
I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, and I feel like I deserve to die for that. | self.SuicideWatch |
Is there anyone? Good evening.
I'm sitting at work, wrestling with my headache, drinking energy drink not to let my hunger build up and not to be sleepy and waiting for the next morning.
Next morning I'll get off work, roll a joint and probably fall into long-weed-induced sleep.
I wasn't going to post something here, I was trying to cope with my feelings, or the absence of feelings on my own, but the thought that I cannot remember myself - I cannot remember what I was like 4 years or something ago. And I am not that old! I'm not even 30. And I don't smoke a lot of weed, I am not a stoner. I do not drown myself in alcohol or anything. Sometimes I think I am addicted to be sad, or maybe I just can't hide it anymore. I became numb for other people stories - I still listen emphatically, but it's more like on autopilot. I push other people more and more; it feels like I only can exist if I'm alone. I don't feel the need to meet up with my friends anymore.
And I don't understand what can I change about this. There are only two people in my inner circle who probably cares the most; but I think they only care for the outer reflection or something like that. I don't know where my life is going, and frankly often I think about taking my life away. I do not know what to expect from anyone or anything - I've been to therapy, two therapists, to be exact, but still it only scratched surface.
Maybe it's depression? Maybe I should turn to medication? Sometimes I think I make rash extreme decisions to, I don't know, maybe run away from myself? Surprise myself? Anyone been through something similar? Anyone could guide me?
| self.depression |
It's Christmas Eve and I've not a moment to share with another person or a thought to concede [deleted] | self.depression |
University problems So, I don't know how to do an intro to a story so I'll just jump straight into it. I've finished school this year. Good (average?) grades, all of them are equivalent of A and Bs in USA. Then went on to complete exams abroad to study in one of the best technical universities of Europe. Was very happy to have completed it. Went on to complete September without anything going badly, completed everything and didn't have much trouble at all. But in October I don't know what hit me but I didn't go to what feels like half the classes,couldn't bring myself to doing anything homework-wise and struggled with everything. Started really missing home, my little siblings, my dog. Everything hit at once. In mid-november I started doing some schoolwork, but still not enough. Now it's December and I have a shitton of homework to do to be allowed to take my exams and I don't know what to do. I'm studying for free but if I fail my exams/dont get allowed to take them then I have essentially wasted my chance to finish this year and I'll have to retake the first year of university next year and lose my free education in favor of having to pay for it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how my parents would react to me failing during my FIRST year of university. It really hits me hard. I've been having mixed thoughts and don't know what to do. What doesn't help, is that I'm an asian in a mostly european country, don't go out with my classmates and generally only speak to people i've known in my country through social networks. Recently been playing some videogames with some guys over teamspeak and I have much fun doing that, but at the same time I feel shitty that i'm not doing the classwork. Im often procrastinating and wasting my days. I can't seem to get myself to start working, but when I do start It seems I can do most tasks.
Sorry if this is written poorly, English isn't my main language. I don't really know why i'm writing this, I think i did to vent. First post in this subreddit. | self.depression |
Every time I think I'm on a roll some asshole just has to shove me back down the barrel. [deleted] | self.depression |
I lost all my hope.. Its christmas eve...and my mother just said Im a useless piece of shit and wishes that she had never give birth to me. She said she wouldn't even care if I commited suicide. My school grades have been hitting rock bottom lately and my brother hits me and makes fun off me almost everyday. I barely have any friends. Im on the verge of suicide, I just wish someone would care. | self.SuicideWatch |
My mom watches my sister to make sure her depression is in check So I don't cry out, she's already got one daughter to worry about. I'm their brick wall, I am the strength in this family, so why's the blade is in my hand? I know the pain it will cause, I know the consequences it'll bring. So why don't I care about being selfish this one time, when it's probably the most selfish act I can carry out? | self.SuicideWatch |
For the second time, a best friend has killed himself by hanging. I'm trying to figure out if it's ten years to the month since the first friend did it. I think it might be.
His sister called me yesterday, and I pretty much knew right away because she has no other reason to call me than something serious involving her brother. I'm still in shock, though given his history I'm not surprised (we met in group therapy).
Weirdly, having gone through all the therapy and stuff from when my first friend killed himself a decade ago, I'm handling this okay. I know not to blame myself this time.
But seriously, what the fuck kind of luck is this? | self.offmychest |
I wish I was able to claim my ex as a dependant on my taxes I fed her for almost the entire year, and paid for a bunch of other shit for her. I mean I'm kidding but that'd be nice lol | self.offmychest |
Im sacred because i didn't think id go this far. Today marks my first day cutting myself. It has really been a build up of anger and shame. Im a pretty quiet guy if you meet me. Im in college and im just minding my own business at the back of classes. I kinda like it like that because outside of school i have at least 3 best friends.
To shy and anxiety does it for me.
But im not doing well in school. I know im not the smartest guy. I accepted this during my younger days im just slower at learning and stupid for it. My parents are the best ever but i can't go and talk to them about my life like this, especially my dad.
He doesn't want to hear anything bad going on. I told him i passed my courses but one and again he just purposely overreacts and saying the easiest class i failed and just really spreads it on making me feel even worse about myself.
That is why i never talked to them about stuff. Of course i get into trouble that way when i am failing or falling behind. They ask i say good and just shut up to scared to say anything.
Usualy by that point that emotional stress really takes hold of me and im not myself for weeks.
But i cut myself today.
Just out of the blue i got my knife and broke the skin for a bit. I never thought i get this far but it felt good to concentrate on the pain instead of the real world. But im terrified if i can get here where else am i going? I don't need anyone knowing.
I guess im looking for advice. Or some words to help me from here on where to go, because im lost now.
**1/24/2018**
I just want to thank everyone who has posted and messaged me. Truly i didn't think i get much feedback but i was very surprised at my inbox. I have much to think about and it is all thanks to you guys. | self.depression |
I probably need help or I'll kill myself pretty soon. I feel hopeless, I am 19 and my parents think mental hospitals are for the "crazies" so I cannot confess my suicidal intent to my psychiatrist and enter a hospital because I will destroy them, they will freak out. I don't give a shit about them but I know they love me to death, sorry it sounds impossible. I just want to be left alone and calm, to not have to work to not socialize, nothing. If that is not mental hospital till I finally want to do this, to live, then the only way is to say bye bye, but I will have to deal with them if I say it, I might freak out and just kill myself anyways. It doesnt matter if I dont follow my plan, in the end I just want to be dead. I want them out of my life, I want to be calm. But I cannot live, I just want to sit home and rot, I live with my sister we are both in universities. If I ever say any of this it will be like I am a different person, I do nothing but stay home and walk the dog but I laugh etc because if I just sit empty then there will be questions they so not really want to be answered. I am very mature and "smart" or whatever and to even govthe the psychiatrist, oh man... Chaos went down. I took meds for 20 days then stopped and am storing them for possible delay of the plan so I will have enough of them for plan b. I am just commenting this because it is the last rational choice to ask for help on the internet. In the end if I find no possible solution then no problem, I'm out. | self.SuicideWatch |
Today I admitted to the first person in my life that I am schizophrenic and have been for over 15 years... I would like to say first that I am not diagnosed. I have been so afraid to tell anyone because I want to be taken seriously and I believe the world is unkind to schizophrenic people...
I admitted to my husband of 6 years that I am (strongly believe) schizophrenic. He took it like a champ haha
I suffer from several voices in my head, the strongest constantly telling me all the things I should be paranoid about. I can't even be in my own apartment without thinking someone else is here with me (when I am alone) and that they are going to sneak up behind me and slit my throat. The shower curtain always has to be pulled back, otherwise I think someone is behind it. When I shower I have to lock the door and bring my service dog with me because I know he will bark if someone enters. He watches my back haha
I also have a few very violent voices that constantly tell me to hurt people and it almost fills euphoric if I listen to them and pay attention, which scares the shit out of me...
I also have grandiose delusions, which makes it hard to talk to therapists because I believe I am smarter than everyone around me, including them and that they couldn't possibly comprehend or relate to what I experience. Obviously I logically KNOW this is not true, but I BELIEVE it to be true... which is a weird battle that goes on in my head.
I do hallucinate also and I have disorganized thinking... both have been getting much worse these last few months, which prompted me to want to tell my husband and get his support in getting help.
I am so happy to finally tell someone, and now I am telling reddit haha | self.offmychest |
Help me or i will probably (hope not) kill myself I want to take all the medicine i have left till my next doc appointment. My meds havent been working for a whole month now and i cant take this horrible anxiety anymore. Please help i am begging you guys.
UPDATE: Alive and well, i was drunk and still kinda am, binging on fast food to cure the hangover a bit. | self.Anxiety |
22M wondering what i did wrong I never post here but I might as well this time.
About a couple weeks ago I went on my first date with someone that I met online, we met up and talked and she was really nice and a pretty cool person. We texted back and forth for a bit, she even agreed to go on a second date, we went to a museum.
For some background I was homeschooled and grew up in kind of a very pseudo-christian far right community. Once I cut ties with the community years ago I lost all friends that went along with it. So it was nice to get along with someone after that, because I haven't had many opportunities in a while.
In fact talking to her was one of the few times in a while where I was completely calm.
I probably shouldn't be patting myself on the back for going on these couple dates, they're pretty common for most ppl lol. But it felt like a big deal to me.
Once we went on that second date, I walked her back to her car, we said bye, I thought we had fun and everything went well.
A couple days later I tried texting her to what she was up to, she didn't text back. I didn't want to be in anyway creepy or needy or pushy so I waited a couple more days before texting her again. And still nothing.
I'm sitting here wondering if I did something wrong. Was I shitty, or a dick to her? I think I was being nice. When we went to the museum, did I focus too much on being funny and not take the art seriously?
We're still friends on facebook if it matters.
I honestly don't know why I'm posting here, I guess the fact that, I accept it's possible that I did something that irritated her.
TL;DR :It's been about a week since we talked and I guess it's just bothering me that I can't figure out what I did.
Am I crazy for worrying that she hasn't texted back? Is it just someone's way of telling you that they don't want to talk to you anymore? Is she still interested in me? Is it actually my stupid fucking brain's fault for making up this shit in my head?
I wish this didn't bother me
P.S. if it matters, she has anxiety too | self.Anxiety |
I think life's great, I just HATE MY life I've taken all the advice I could find to help and and nothing works... It's been a year and I feel worse. My thoughts are overwhelming so much I have to actually stop doing anything at times. I feel awful all the time I just want to be good feel good make people happy
I'm going to OD on a bunch of Acetaminophen. I know it's not the best way to go but It's accessable. I already took 8 500 mg pills taking it slower then last time 2 weeks ago, because I vomited after an hour.
I'm posting so I don't feel alone as I do this, but it's like 3am so no one will even see this. i hope my mom and dad understand. No future anyways | self.SuicideWatch |
I tried dealing with it I exercised, I ate right, I put myself out there and I'll admit I felt better for a while but I'm back here now. I assumed my depression was just situational so I changed my job, surroundings, moved to a new state and I'm still depressed. I've ruled out everything else it turns out it was a chemical imbalance all along. At this point I don't know where my mental illness ends and my real personality begins. I'm tired of trying to change the way I am, with little to no results. | self.depression |
Accomplished some things but depression comes creeping back over the fact I have no irl friends. [deleted] | self.depression |
Same Shit Different Year I don't care about myself. Well, this is mostly true. I suppose it's more accurate to say that I don't care enough to change myself. I generally don't believe in an external locus of control, but I don't believe the concept is entirely without merit. I believe that you are in control of shaping your life; it's as if you start with a slab of clay, and you can mold it into whatever you like (with a proviso). If you start with bad clay, however, there is only so much you can do. You can only play the hand you are dealt: no re-deals. My hand sucks, and there's little I can do about it: it appears that I should fold. The metaphorical clay that I have started with is hideous. I have a lack of social skills because I have autism spectrum disorder (formerly called Asperger's), I'm bipolar, impulsive, and unattractive. I don't see how I would be desirable to anyone for any good reason, be it an employer, a woman, or a friend. The one true friend of mine has something wrong with him too, though not as bad as me. I have no clue how I got the job that I have. My boss told me at my last review that he was very close to letting me go. I keep doing things that are wrong. Sometimes I talk back, sometimes I fixate on a particular solution, sometimes I do things that are unsafe, and sometimes I do things that my boss's boss doesn't like but he doesn't tell me, so I find out days after. I don't realize what I'm doing when I do it.
Regarding women, I tried asking people out in high school and was meet with nothing but rejection. Fast forward now to college. Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that people would be more open to meeting new people and give them chances. What a fool I was then, and still am. It's pathetically funny that every single time I've been given the "too busy" excuse. I know it's an excuse because I've asked each more than once, and if they had any interest at all they'd suggest a time. Add to this the fact that I have no knowledge of how to meet people and make friends let alone a potential girlfriends, and the scarcity of women at my college. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Dating sites and apps like Tinder and Bumble are a fraud and others like Match are meant for older people. I've recently tried OKCupid and PlentyOfFish but I haven't had much luck. People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but every time I go fishing I never hook any. Almost every person that does talk to me loses interest. I started chatting with an interesting add moderately attractive person only to discover she moved hours away from me.
Anyway, I'm a sophomore at an engineering college, and I find myself caring less about myself with each passing week. Every week is the same. There's nothing that can motivate me. The impact the things I care about have on me lessens each day. The clubs that I'm in would probably be better off without me; I don't think there's anything new that I can bring to the table. I used to enjoy my job, but now all I see is the social gap between myself and my coworkers. I see this everywhere I look outside odd my job too. I see things I can never do or be: things that I want, but can never have.
I see that I'm falling into a self-destructive loop, but I feel that it's pointless to get out of it because there's nothing to return to. I feel like I should just quit and stop wasting my parents' money. They always nag me and tell me that if I don't want to do it anymore, that it's perfectly fine. Maybe I see too much in myself. My grades have slipped from making the Dean's list to B's and BC's.
I've reached out to people in the past. I've sought professional help. Both my brain chemistry and my pattern of thoughts are bad, so I have a psychologist, psychiatrist, and therapist. They all tell me they don't know how to help me if I don't want to help myself. I want to stop feeling the way I do, not necessarily get help. Every day is the same as it scares me. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I feel like all I do as a person is react to things that happen to me. I can't think of a time that I have brought about a change in my life through my own will. I've tried so many times to change and control my life that self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors bring me relief because I can control how I fail. Substance abuse is one way I do this, but I also distract myself so I don't do what needs to be done. I also stay up late because I know it's bad for my mental health. Sometimes I stay up for two or three days in a row because I hate myself so much. I don't know how to relearn how to live. I'm stuck in this pattern of behaviors and it has become my life, and by extension, me. I don't want to be myself. | self.SuicideWatch |
Have had Social anxiety for a long while, need help. Hello
I’ve had problems with social anxiety for as long as I can remember. These problems showed up a lot in school and I was always exhausted from it, which made me depressed as well since
I felt like I always was on edge of falling over and always completely drained. I rarely asked my teachers for help when I needed to or talked to anyone about my problems. I had a few friends I felt comfortable with, which was enough for me.
But now I’m done with school and new problems shows up. I’m trying to get a job, but my anxiety keeps that from happening. I’ve cancelled interviews because I simply cannot leave my house and can’t help myself from crying my eyes out before I have to go.
The thing is; I am completely aware of how irrational it is. I know that it wouldn’t kill me, I know it wouldn’t be a completely disaster if something would go wrong even if that’d be very unlikely.
I know that it’s nothing wrong with being shy, and I know that others wouldn’t have a problem with it. As a person I am very rational and aware of these things. I know I don’t have to worry about it. So it’s not like I lie awake thinking about what people would think of me or how I’d ruin everything. I can keep it real in my head.
It’s hard to explain for me, but it’s my body that reacts. It’s my body that makes my heart go crazy in my chest, makes adrenaline pumping through my veins so I feel like I have to run away. I know this is a fight or flight reaction, but I can’t turn it off. It feels like an alarm in my brain that comes on whenever something is triggering it.
It can go on for hours and when it’s done I’m usually left all blank from exhaustion and breathing like a fish on dry land. It feels like I can’t go on like this. I’m very sick of it and I just want it to disappear and I’ve tried so many things.
I’m doing 30 minutes of yoga almost everyday, I’m working out etc. I’m practicing by asking for help in shops which I’ve never been able to do before. I’ve been taking pills (some kind of anti depressants) for a few months which probably helped a little, but not enough for me to keep a job.
It feels like I’ve been taking every tip, and it feels like I’ve been trying everything but nothing helps. I set small goals here and there and sometimes I manage it and sometimes I don’t and I know that it’s fine but it stings a little from knowing that nothing have changed for years now.
I want to be able to leave my house like a normal person and I want to be able to work but I am so terribly tired of this.
Another problem I have is that I have a somewhat phobia. I have a small bladder and have always kind of had this problem, but the last few years it got better and I didn’t need to think about it at all, but now it has returned, about a half year ago. During that time, I had a job as an assistant that worked quite fine even with driving to work and back for a long period, I quit though to start with studies after i worked there a year.
Me and my somewhat abusive boyfriend (now ex) fought a lot and I felt awful during that time, being stressed and very tired. And then I got urinary infection which probably triggered my phobia among those other things. After I quit my job, I tried to study, but I simply couldn't manage it mostly because of my social anxiety and this new phobia problem. About a month later I broke up with my ex, but this problem still remains.
Whenever I leave the house I want to go to the bathroom or always have a toilet nearby, this cause me to never really want to leave the house and I feel highly uncomfortable being in a car even worse in bus.
I can hardly drive the car alone anymore, it usually feels better when I’m with somebody who knows about my problem. And yet, I practice to leave the house by taking walks, sometimes I drink water before my walks even if I don’t like it.
But if I were to leave the house for a day I wouldn’t drink anything before I leave or the entire day until I get back home again. I don’t drink even if I get so thirsty my stomach hurts. And even if I don’t drink I still feel the urge to be near a toilet even if I know that it’s not possible for me to need to go.
As soon as I have a bathroom near me the feeling goes away, and when I’m not alone in the car I don’t feel it as hard. When I’m in the car I try to distract my body by singing very loud to music and talking but I still have a little panic inside even when I know how long it’ll take to get to the next bathroom.
I’ve tried to drink as much as I can when I know I’ll just be home for the day, and taken time for how long I can hold my bladder, and leave my house as often I get the chance (but only when I haven’t been drinking). I do not impulsively leave my house anymore. It feels like this is killing me and every tip I receive is to keep trying or try harder, but I’ve been doing that and it doesn’t help. I hate my body.
I don't know really what I should do now, and I hope maybe there is something I've missed that could help, the therapist I went to didn't really help me out as she just listened as I talked about myself and then gave me the pills. I wonder what others with social anxiety have done to help them make the anxiety much more bearable, does a psychologist really help? Does medication help? I'm not really sure what there is to do that is constructive, as I do have the willpower to work through the troubles, but it just feels so hopeless sometimes when I feel I'm not making any noticeable progress. | self.Anxiety |
Hubby said I watch too much tv. After feeling insulted, I thought about It and realized yeah I do watch a LOT of tv. I tried to watch less and realized that all I could hear was my chatty inner thoughts. Stupid brain. Apparently I watch tv so I don't have to listen to myself. Anyone else do this? | self.bipolar |
I'm too old to crush on someone like this. I'm too old to crush on someone like this. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about anyone.
I just like being around you, the sound of your laugh, seeing the way your brain works, how when I talk you look like you're really listening, not just waiting for the next opportunity to speak. The way your shoulder bumped against mine when we sat next to each other at the bar. How your arms felt when you hugged me that humid night when we parted ways, and I got home and saw my hair was a mess. It's weird how comfortable and excited I feel at the same time whenever you're in my orbit. I'm not the kind of girl who has a List, but if I did, you'd check every box.
You make me want things I've been trying to come to terms with never having. Sometimes I think about saying something to you about it, but I know it'll just ruin what we have right now. Because I know you'll never love me. But at least if I never say it out loud I can pretend maybe you could, one day. | self.offmychest |
Mom’s hypocrisy about Harvey W situation. My mom and I spoke about all the sexual harassment and abuse in Hollywood. Our conversations consist of Hollywood bullshit since I can remember. She commented on how ridiculous it is that it took 30 years for the Harvey Weinstein stuff to get out. I told her that the movement of outing these guys/predators was thanks in a huge part to the internet. 30 years ago, had these women attempted to make it public, no one would broadcast them; there was no platform. There was only abc, cbs, and nbc. And newspapers. And people like Harvey paid advertising revenue to these stations, so no way were they going to participate in ousting him as what he is. She said, “These poor women.” In my mind, I told her,”You call them poor women, you give strangers your sympathy, but when you were called in to my therapist’s office, when I was 17, so that I could tell you that I was raped, your response was, ‘how could you do this to us? Don’t you know we have an image to uphold?’ And when I was 6, and I told you that my brother, your son, your natural born son, who is 8 years older than me, was forcing me to do inappropriate things to him and would try to come in my room at night and would pick the lock to the bathroom when I was in there to show me his boner, and would stand in the shallow end of the pool with his scuba mask and just watch me swim back and forth, you didn’t even ask him, look at him, hesitate-you simply called me a liar. You are a hypocrite. You have no soul. You are weak. You are not the feminist you claim to be. I told you that being around my brother makes me nauseous. I told you I won’t go to his house, ever, not for any holiday, not for any occasion. But you still ask me, every year, and it’s like punch in the gut, every time. Stop being so two-faced!” But, I didn’t. I didn’t say any of it. I placed the same small, forced smile on my face as always, clenched my teeth, and nodded my head. | self.offmychest |
I can't handle it anymore. I hate feeling like this. Hi all,
So I've had one hell of a year. My gf of 5 years abused me physically and emotionally and then cheated on me and left me out on the streets. I've attempted to kill myself multiple times but always backed out because I wanted to spite her by making something of myself.
Then I met a group of people at my work and we all became quick friends. We all party together and hang out and have alot of fun. They helped me get over my relationship and made me feel life was worth living. I love them all so much but I can't shake this feeling that they don't have that same feeling towards me. They all have a bond that I feel I'll never be able to have with any of them. And it sucks, it makes me feel so alone. I'm really am trying to accept that is how it is and the bonds we have with each other are going to be different but I want to feel that same love.
And it makes me feel even worse because I feel like such a needy piece of shit. They've only known me for less than 6 months whereas they've known each other for years.
But I feel so alone. I feel if I up and disappeared they'd forget about me easily. I've never had a set group of friends. I've always been forgot about and thrown to the way side. I do try to maintain my friendships but life gets in the way. I don't want to lose them but with how my life goes I can not fight the inevitable.
I really want to end this cycle. I want to stop feeling so alone and forgotten. I hate it. I just want this pain to end. I plan on ending it soon. No last words. No suicide note. Nothing. I'll just disappear. And they'll all forget about me. Like everyone always does.
No one cares about me. My family, the one girl I loved, and even my friends. I've tried reaching out. But it's either I drive people away or they tell me to get professional help. No one wants to hear how I feel, but I am the shoulder to cry on for people, I am the one who listens, I'm there for people when they need it. But no one wants to be there for me.
Everyone forgets and moves on. But they're so content to let me drown. So fucking tired of it. I'll just let it swallow me and just end it all so it'll stop hurting. | self.SuicideWatch |
Anxiety attack made me not get out the car and just go back home Just for a background:
There's this guy I used to live with when I was in college. I had a bit of a crush on him, and he also had a crush on me, and two days before I moved back to my hometown, he kissed me and we hooked up. We hooked up a few times after that, but the last time I started crying and freaking out a bit and stopped the sex, cause I felt like he was not listening to me when I told him that I was not liking this and that. That remembered me of a guy that I used to date, who once penetrated me without asking me. He (the guy I used to live with) didn't completly understood me, but apologized anyway and said that he didn't notice. I though he was being honest. We made up, but I still felt sad deep down.
I ended up having a glance of him a month after that, at an event we both attended. I almost had a panick attack, cause I didn't know how to act around him.
Fast forward to some days ago, I was in my college town again and I was feeling very lonely. The guy mentioned messaged me a few times during the time we didn't see each other and I know that he likes me (not saying he's in love with me, but he likes me). I was so lonely that I messaged him asking if we could see each other. He said yes. The next day, my friend drove me to his house. I was already freaking out in the car, due to anxiety. When I saw there were a few people at this house hanging out, I started freaking out even more and had an anxiety attack. It was the worst. After I calmed down, I gave up seeing him and just asked my friend to drive us home. I don't know. I just felt so scared of the idea of facing a group of people that I could possibly feel left out with, and I was already nervous thinking of seeing him again after the last time. I know it's silly. Just wanted to vent out. | self.Anxiety |
22 y/o depressed male here. I'm seriously considering ending it all this week. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm such an irredeemable piece of shit. I just want to rest forever. | self.SuicideWatch |
Deathly Terrified about getting a Cystoscopy! Anxiety is crippling me. Due to frequent UTI's and them not going away...It was decided I see a urologist.
I had an appointment with a urologist that I had to cancel because I cant have a male doctor (past trauma and anxiety). Before I made an appointment for a female Urologist, I asked the receptionist (for the male urologist) what the appointment would entail. She said due to my frequent UTI's, I will most likely need a Cystoscopy.
**She also made it a POINT to tell me that this procedure is VERY uncomfortable and VERY Unpleasant (essentially painful and miserable).**
I'm freaking the hell out, I sobbed for 3 hours nonstop (still am), I'm shaking and I feel like I'm going to pass out.
**Please someone tell me it's not as bad as I anticipate.**
Looking it up made it all the more worse, so many people saying how painful it is!
I'm seriously considering living with UTI's forever instead of getting this done. (I know that's irresponsible but my anxiety is so bad, I'm actually considering actual death instead of this) I can BARELY get a pap smear and I have to be sedated for that! (and the sedatives barely work)
I have anxiety meds but even when I'm doped up out of my mind, I'm still absolutely terrified and have anxiety.
I know I have to be an adult and be responsible and get this done but the thought of it alone is tearing me apart. | self.Anxiety |
I feel spaced out for a split second when trying to fall asleep Does anyone else have this symptom of anxiety? It bothers me a lot because it completely messes up my sleeping regime, which gives me more anxiety the next day.
Whenever I try to sleep and get to the point where I'm between being woke and asleep, I feel so spaced out like I left my body and can't feel anything at all, like I am so empty. That feeling lasts for one split of a second because I wake up instantly and I become extremely confused after.
Anyone knows what this is? | self.Anxiety |
My Cousin Broke My Heart Too So basically me and my cousin grew up together and experimented with one another out of pure curiosity and thats it and as time went one we tried more and more stuff that eventually helped us into a relationship.
Back up, after the innocent experimenting in our late teens we did take it all the way which led us into being in a secret, committed relationship together. We did everything any other couples would do and even had goals set for our futures.
We had became close like this because we had lost our v cards to one another and always held onto our intimate bond which also had lots of unprotected intimacy as well. She ended up on a IuD to help eliminate the risk of pregnancy and its obvious we were smart about that. All of This really made me feel very strong towards her. We were so close, and my first love.
We almost leased our own apartment together and everything until one day she broke up with me. Im sure it was because we had to keep our relationship on the DL.
After spending a lot of time with her and loving her so much I felt so devastated after. I needed any way to keep her close and being that we live together it was rather easy. When she was gone id go into her room and dig through her dirty laundry to find her underwear, this kept her scent close to me.
I was in a negative headspace and did this for a long time until she figured it out and pretty much yelled at me because they were so expensive. We fought back and forth with her trying to find my hiding spots and me trying to find ways to get them, well anything and everything was a potential target. I missed her alot and i told her that this was the reason i was doing all of this.
I missed what we had, i never felt so happy in my life.
For once I was happy with what was going on in my life.
Its hard to say that im still not over her.
Ive never been so okay, i miss her...
Id do anything to have her back with me like we once were.
| self.offmychest |
Not sure what to try and hold on for [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Should I continue taking effexor? I took the first pill today, well a small piece of the pill maybe 18mg.. it actually hit me pretty good. I've been feeling light headed all day.. Had some light burning sensation on arms. Sweaty, ice cold feet. also have been nodding off randomly.
Nothing too crazy, though again, small dose. I'm just scared of the withdrawal effects everyone talks about. Both while forgetting a dose and coming off the pill. | self.Anxiety |
the feeling that you are failing at life and nothing will ever change Another day in which you fail to wake up in the morning, you skip meals, eat junk and do everything wrong. How do you break the cicle? Fuck everything fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
| self.bipolar |
The ONLY good thing about depression I have found in my not caring if I live or die it's freeing in a sense. I have no care about laws or rules because hell I'm a step away from ending myself so who cares right. What is anyone going to do to me I haven't already done to myself or thought about?? I have found an extreme outlaw in myself in my low point it's the only good part about this living hell. | self.depression |
I want to hang myself but I'm scared of chickening out while I'm with my feet on the air I don't know what would be worse, ending up with cerebral damage or with a mark around my neck and having to explain everyone how did I get it.
Whoever said suicidal people are cowards don't know the guts it takes to actually go through the process.
I wish it were as simple as pushing a button :( | self.SuicideWatch |
Doing well Depression has been a friend of mine for a great time of my life. I call it a friend because although I hate it, it's with me more than most and I use it as inspiration in my art. At the moment though I am feeling better. I want to share this with others. If anyone needs to talk I'm here. Message me. | self.depression |
Crying right now & it’s ridiculous 🤣 I need to breathe. Could I actually use my depression as an excuse? I’m used to getting laughed at, anyways. I hope people understand...
I’m still hoping.
| self.depression |
My "friend" ditched me, a "weird" person because he wants to be a "normie" and has stopped being friends with "weird people". Fuck. This is why he stopped talking to me? I only tried to help him with his studies. And now he only talks to the people he deems "normies" - all mean (to me, at least) and overachieving peeps. And he wants to go to an ivy league college ...
First he said he didn't want to give up on me, and now ...
Edit: To clarify he said that out loud in front of me while he was with his normie norm norms. It was probably directed at me.
Edit 2: Thanks so much you weirdos. <3 | self.depression |
My dad wanted to visit me but I blew him off I'm about to move out in a week to spend holidays with my parents and my dad wanted to help me out and visit me. But I can't let him see where I live because it's full of friend's boxes and bags with clothes in them all over the apartment the door knob is loose and dangles. The door knob from the bathroom fell off. I could clean the rest of the house but I just don't want him to see where I live. I don't want him to freak out.
I feel like shit because it sounded like he really wanted to come but I will be with him and mom next week anyways. That is what conforts me. | self.offmychest |
Does anyone else feel like they are on Autopilot? I have a history of depression. However, the last few months I've been feeling fine and somewhat happy. Just recently I have this feeling like I'm just drifting through life on autopilot. Although I'm a very independent person, I don't feel like I'm making my own decisions. Lately, I've had great accomplishments and dreams come true but none of it is registering with my emotions. Things that should make me happy and excited just aren't doing anything for me. I have no desires at this point and I couldn't tell you the last time I was genuinely excited about something.
Can anyone else here relate or have insight on this 'autopilot' feeling? I don't even know what triggered this for me but the past week I cannot stop thinking about it. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read | self.depression |
What even is the point of trying if you know you'll be knocked down lower than when you started? I thought I was done with depression, I thought I could cope, but then life comes along and gives me a big old "Nope!" I feel like any time I try to make an effort to be happy and overcome my depression it just sends me further down than when I started. For instance within a week's time my uncle died, I've been more confrontational with my SO even though I love her to pieces, and the breaking point being my dog injuring herself and having to be rushed to the ER.
So I ask, what's even the point of trying to get better when you know it's not going to last? | self.depression |
FEARLESS FRIDAYS MEGA THREAD. Here we discuss embarrassing stories, funny stories, WTF stories, and everything in between. Need to get something off your chest? Here's the place to do it. Not yet diagnosed and want to ask a question? Feel free to do it here. Pretty much anything goes in Fearless Fridays | self.bipolar |
I can feel myself getting worse again but I can't stop myself. [deleted] | self.depression |
Is anyone else addicted to their depression? Like... you know it’s not “healthy” or whatever. You know you should do something about it. You might even know what to do about it.
But at the same time you’re used to it. It’s a part of you. It influenced who you are and what you do and all of your decisions. And that makes it even harder to actually do anything to stop it.
Like depression is a friend who needs you and doesn’t want you to go, and on some level you need them too. | self.depression |
One of my friends just texted me saying they are cutting themselves, and that I shouldn’t tell anyone. I’ve been doing my best to help them, but I’m not sure if it is enough or what they need. What should I do? [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
What are your favorite distractions? Hello!
Long time lurker, first time poster. In the interest of staying alive until my new dosage of medication kicks in (and hopefully works), my therapist suggested I stay distracted.
So my question to you is, what are your favorite things to do to distract yourself? And if you have any specific recommendations (like a video game, book, movie, etc;), even better!
Thank you! | self.depression |
Was doing pretty well for a couple months, now I'm noticing my pre-medication symptoms start to creep up again (vent post, a little long) Lately I look back on something I'm sure many other people also experienced, which is the first month or so when I could feel my medication start to work.
I had been experiencing increasingly hypomanic 3-4-day episodes when my mind wouldn't stop spinning, followed by a week or two of a depressive isolated state when I would always be either tired or sleeping, and would stop eating more than once a day.
When I finally saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed Lamictal, I was already excited about how it would affect me a few months down the road.
The last time they increased my dosage was when I could first feel it start to work, and when my psychiatrist said, "This is when we usually start to see real improvements with patients," I broke out into the dumbest smile, because I'd started to experience reality in a healthy way again and couldn't wait to be in that state of mind all the time.
Things just seemed *better*. I wasn't so naturally negative, I felt better about myself and was noticeably more comfortable in social situations.
I started telling my similarly-depressed friends that it was incredible what this one medication had done for me, and to not give up on trying different meds, because eventually one of them would work and make them experience the world in a healthy way too.
I'm now four months down the road from my first prescription, and I've been experiencing eerily familiar symptoms. I'm always tired, yet can never sleep through the night.
Eating feels like just another chore I have to take care of.
I haven't been able to write music lately because I just can't see my work as anything other than an awkward, hopeful stab at something good, a watered-down inspiration-less version of the artists that influenced me.
I went on a date and left wondering to myself: do I like her? Do I like anyone? Do I even like myself? It's hard to tell when it feels like everything is fading into gray.
I could go on, but I'm sure you get it. Sometimes I wish I could talk to the me from a couple months ago, the one that was hopeful, positive, and eager for a future where I could see the world through healthy eyes.
I'm hoping I've just developed a tolerance to this dosage of Lamictal, so hopefully I will feel better after my next appointment (assuming they share my conclusion of increased tolerance). At least now I know what I'm supposed to feel like. | self.bipolar |
25th birthday coming up and nothing but regret to look back at Considering ending it very soon. Stuck in the house of my birth while my friends are all moving away and making it in life.
Hate my low paying job and lack of future. Did everything conventional wisdom told me to. Worked hard, got a masters degree, employed but can’t afford anything.
Never contacted or checked up on by the few acquaintances I have left. Nothing but memories of how awkward and uninteresting I was. | self.SuicideWatch |
Hair loss ;( I’m so horribly upset, after entering into a depressive cycle my doctor changed some medication to get me back on track. Besides stopping and lowering a few things the only thing we added was Adderall and Lamictal, I’ve not been great but at least kept together. (I’m up to 200mg. now after a gradual build up of 12 weeks.) This past week I woke up to 1/3 of my hair thinned from the top of my head...I’ve been in panic since. I plan on seeing my doctor this week to discuss getting off Lamictal as quickly as possible, I’ve read in a few spots people experienced hair loss but it’s otherwise a rare side effect. Has anyone lost hair with Lamictal & how quickly did regrowth occur after you stopped? and can anyone recommend a mood stabilizer without this as a side effect? Stability includes self esteem & right about now I have none, I appreciate the advice. | self.bipolar |
Take a listen to Passion Pit's "Gossamer" album For those of you who aren't aware, Michael Angelakos (the man behind Passion Pit) has bipolar disdorder himself.
Whenever I get down, his songs, particularly the ones on Gossamer, are so relatable, and I get comfort in knowing that I'm not the only person feeling like this.
If you don't have time for a long listen, his songs "I'll Be Alright" and "It's Not My Fault, I'm Happy " are the most apparent ones to me. Plus the songs are great on their own!
Thought somebody else may appreciate the album, it helps me get through tough times. | self.bipolar |
I had to leave work today. I was feeling like total shit when I arrived. Stayed for 5 - 10 minutes then told my boss I was feeling ill and had to leave. He was actually nice about it. Went back to my flat, got some stuff and then went back to my parents' house. I just couldn't cope today. Have slept for a few hours and feeling a little better now, but kind of sick. May actually be coming down with an illness. | self.depression |
I'm trying and I'm failing My depression and anxiety have been ruling my life for too long. I've tried medication and did not like the results. I've been in therapy too but realized my therapist isn't going to give me the answers, I have to be more proactive. I'm trying to be more comfortable doing things alone rather than sit at home and wallow in my own misery.
My childhood was an unhappy one and as a result I'm working to separate myself from my family as much as possible. We did dinner last night and I made plans to spend Christmas alone. I got dressed up, did my makeup and hair, and went to this downtown bar that was supposed to be open. It wasn't. Ok try another place...line out the door. I'm starving, watching couples in line fawn all over each other.
I'm just so alone and miserable. Work sucks, dating sucks, family sucks, no friends. I'm trying...but I'm still so depressdd. This night has turned out so terribly and I'm sitting in a bad sushi restaurant on the verge of tears. I have no resilience and these setbacks are pushing me further and further back in getting better.
I want to feel loved. I want to find a reason to get up everyday. I want to find a reason to be alive. | self.depression |
Looking for input Hi guys, I'm posting this here because I need some feedback on a situation I'm in and I really don't know where else to ask. My ex, who I still live with for another month, is upset because I don't want him having sex with people I work with. He doesn't want me saying who he can and can't have sex with.
I've been having sex with a mutual friend of ours and my ex has been fine with this, he brings it up as a point against me.
I know that it's a little hypocritical, but everyone at my work knows me and my ex and I know it would make me uncomfortable if I new some of them were sleeping with him.
So, do you guys think I'm just being too nit-picky or is it fair to ask him this? | self.Anxiety |
I hate depersonalization I can normally handle most of my stuff with anxiety but depersonalization is the worst. Walked to the fridge to get water and just feel like I'm looking through someone else's eyes. Makes my brain all foggy and just backs my anxiety up to 11. Writing about it helps. | self.Anxiety |
SHOULD I KILL MYSELF? Hey everyone, I'm Jake and I'm 23 years old. I'm already started to give on my life now since September and i don't care about my life because its shitty, i have 2 speech impediments, no girls talk go me in school or anywhere, etc. I have so much anxiety and depression that Im losing my mind lately, plus I'm not eating enough and sleeping enough too because i don't feel like eating alot because i feel so upset at just everything in my life. I'm never happy anymore at all and i don't feel like living at times now too because of my problems while other peoples have fun in college, have friends and get married in a few years and have kids ,etc. My cousin just got engaged and most of my cousins are in relationships. I have a Speech Impediment called Verbal Apraxia with Stuttering which i had my whole life since i was born . i only had one relationship for almost 3 years in the past. I have been very depressed lately because i don't have a girlfriend like my twin brother and some cousins and friends that i have. i have good social skills because my nick name is the mayor Jake everywhere i go because i know and talk to everyone but i never talk to girls due to problems listed in this post.
I have some social anxiety too which makes me super scared to talk to girls because of my Verbal Apraxia with the stutter and it makes me very depressed. As i type this I'm having alot of anxiety and I'm about have a panic/anxiety attack too, when i have anxiety i have irrational thoughts like people are out to get me and other things like that . i feel like no girls will like me or give me a chance because of it if i approach them in real life because i can't even say my name correctly. when i talk, it sounds like a moderate deaf person and i hate it so much all of my life. Also i used tinder which my twin brother met his girlfriend on and have no luck even after many dates with different girls, now i am getting more depressed to the point of crying and not going out of the house too at times. My family is not the greatest at times too.I live with my mom and grandmother who makes everyone crazy which includes me. Every girl i talk to on tinder stop talking to me within a few replies too so i don't have idea what to do now too like what am i doing wrong? but my friend said i suck talking to girls too which is true so im trying to improve that right now. I think i will never have kids or a wife/ girlfriend because of my speech impediments because i sound like a deaf person.
Lately I'm thinking I'm ugly too which i kinda believe that i am ugly because no girls like me while my family and other people says I'm not ugly. also I'm in community college so I'm missing the college experience of staying on campus making friends and meeting girls like everyone else is at my age because of my grades and possibly future degree in funeral directing. I am at home doing the online program for funeral directing while All my cousins and my brother and everyone at my age went away to college and im home missing out on everything when you stay at college like meeting girls and parties Also i live at home too that doesn't help me in meeting girls unlike everyone at college campuses. Im too scared to approach any girls because of my speech problems because I'm afraid of them not understanding me. i just can't do it due to anxiety because of my speech impediments and afraid of getting rejected. Also some of my anxiety is from school too because I'm very behind in my classes as of today because I have no motivation to do it because of how i feel sick almost all the time from all of my anxiety and depression too. Also due to all of this, i just got a new gym membership to go with my guy friends and i used it a couple times then i stopped going with them because i feel like my speech impediments make me awkward around girls and people . all my life i felt like people say things to pretend so i think they understand me sometimes. I only have 3-10 male friends while every other guy have female friends and stuff at my age. I don't know where to start or what to do at this point in time because i tried Tinder and that didn't worked for me. Plus when i message girls on tinder, they almost never respond back. i can talk to guys easily and other people easily but not attractive girls at all , let alone approaching girl to get their numbers.i can see myself being forever alone because of my speech impediments.Also i have been in speech therapy too for a long time when i was little and I'm not in it now. So i need help and advice right now from my fellow Redditors Thanks for your help and advice everyone !
TL;DR:i have Verbal Apraxia with stuttering which are speech impediments and i can't talk to girls due to the fear of not being understood and rejected of my speech impediments. Im scared of being forever alone while my friends and everyone is married and have kids in a few years while I'm not. To be honest, I'm almost 100% sure most girls will not date me because of my speech impediments and have a family. What should i do at this point in time? Also should i try to approach and talk to girls that i like ? Because i want to over come this fear of talking to girls because i think they will not like me of my speech impediment. I am too scared to walk up to a girl and talk because of my speech impendiments too.
Update- I’m getting regular therapy weekly now, also I’m seeing the same therapist that I saw years ago when I was younger too and im going to the gym too now. I made a tinder account too this week but almost every girl that i talk to stops talking to me or never respond to my first message. Im not in speech class right now i had it when i was little tho also im not working now too so im at home doing the online funeral program. im going to the gym with my friends and trying to improve and its working a little but not alot at all. plus i said on my tinder account that i have speech impediment too and after dates they stop talking to me. | self.SuicideWatch |
Does anybody else just not care anymore? For the past 15 months I've just stopped caring about everything, I was so happy back then but ever since my girlfriend left me I just feel sad everyday. | self.depression |
Things will turn around. This past week was rough for me. Work was crazy being holidays and all.
-I had a extremely bad panic attack
-Found out my friend who I just made amends with needs her space again.
-Had my closest brush with death. A little too close for comfront.
-And I tried self harm once again only to feel nothing.
But through it I see just a little ray of light and I thought of a quote from a video game.
"The Light lives in all places, in all things. You can block it, even try to trap it, but the Light will find its way."
—The Speaker, Destiny 2
Say what you will about Destiny but that quote has stick to me.
Why?
Well because that game was about losing so much to fight your way back and overcome it, Thats the core of its universe. The light and Dark. I known many of you who are reading this are in a dark spot and so am I but I made a choice.
To live.
It isn't so easy to make that choice. Trust me I know. I wanted to kill myself multiple times but when I questioned why I haven't I was told that I was a survivor and that I was stronger than I thought.
And I long back at the long road I have taken, full of doubt that I would overcome this but it is not something that is won overnight.
But I made so much progress. And I remember the support I have received from my friends, my family and even just the random people on reddit. Then I remember only of favorite quotes
"The loneliest people are the kindest,
The saddest people smile the brightest.
The most damaged people are the wisest.
All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.
And when I think about that and all the things I have been through the past several years and I know somewhere down the line, I will meet someone, online or in real life who is in that same dark place I fought so hard to get out of and I will lend a helping hand.
I really do hopes this helps somebody, because no matter dark it seems you are never truly alone. | self.depression |
Any guilty ex-catholics out there? i was raised in a religious household, church every Sunday for 18 years. And I feel like my depression stems from my confusion of reality. In college I took some mushrooms and they really made me realize that I just listened to and followed the directions of my peers and parents, never did anything for myself. I found myself in an education program that would do nothing for me but make money. I mean, that's good enough for most people, but being raised religiously I just believed that my life was supposed to have more meaning than that. Jesus didn't give a fuck about money. What happened to all that I learned in Sunday school? I'm supposed to be more like Him, right? Going to church for one hour a week makes being a part of a bloodsucking society okay?
The mushrooms presented many questions and when coupled with an introductory philosophy course it shattered my worldview. When I feel like I want to join the ranks and forget about my feelings I wish I had never taken them. But I know they revealed a truth to me, it's stirred up a certain insubordination within myself and it's kind of to the point where I can't hold down a job. Like, I can't just give in to the society that made things so shit and will continue to do so for God knows how long.
And then there's the guilt. When you decide to turn against the church, things can get destructive within yourself. Being taught from birth that God's will is the greatest force in the universe, and attempting to remove that idea from your head has proven to me to be nigh impossible. I don't really even believe it anymore, but there still exists this almost schizophrenic idea that this life is a test, a lie, and that I should be living my truest life. Which is what I'm doing as a depressed guy by avoiding the blind dogma of religion.
Like fuck, existing for an eternity scares me. An eternity in Hell scares me even more. The whole "faith is worthless if there is evidence" fucks with me hard too.
I don't know anymore, I still think about it daily but I haven't progressed in years.
TL;DR: being raised religiously went totally against the way my brain naturally processes things through logic and now I'm just confused to the point of futility.
Just want to see if many people are in similar boats because I have met very few in real life. | self.depression |
I just don't see a future for myself I don't know if I'm just in a rut of have some level of depression but honestly I can't remember the last time I've been happy. All my coworkers and friends always describe me as great and funny but I feel like I'm just putting on a phisode. I am trying to go back to university next semester but honestly I can't imagine my future further out than a few weeks at a time. I feel like I just don't have anything going for me. Recently I've had a few friends ask me if everything is alright but there isn't really anything bad going on in my life that I can explain to them. I feel like I should get help but at the same time think that I'm just fine and that I'll get over it once I'm back in school and things improve. | self.depression |
I wake up everyday waiting to go back to sleep [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Is anybody else paranoid? I've had anxiety since i can remember, being a kid tbh.. and My parents are both Europeon, I am a first generation American. I just remember being maybe 4-5 years old and getting smacked decently hard for maybe dropping a cup or knocking a picture off of the wall and whatnot and that's not even 1/100th of any of the physical harm tbh..... Anyways I've always had anxiety and I think my upbringing has a lot to do with it.. America is far more advanced then certain parts of europe where my parents imigrated from..
Anyways I can't hold a job or w/e without thinking people are going to judge me, use me, harm me, critisize me and so fourth. It's like my anxiety turned into paranoia and now I have a personality disorder, but not one that's as bad as a full blown schizophrenic.
I think it's linked to depression and fucked up hormones like adrenaline and just my brain associating a shitty life with always being threatened etc.
I'm 25 now and I can't even hold a job for more then a couple months, then I will just stop working for half a year and repeat, ther's no way I would be able to go back to school with my current mental state tbh.
Should I go on an ssri?
I've been drinking for the past week or so A LOT, maybe 10 wine bottles on the floor, 3 half gallon of vodka bottles, 10 211 cans that are empty etc.. and I've just been on the internet trying to forget about life.
I think it's time for an SSRI tbh, I don't have that general feeling of "well being" that most people typically have when they set goals or do anything tbh. I have extra high stress responses that fuck up every relationship I've ever had, including with bosses and teachers..
But I personally think it's linked to depression tbh, because my friend gave me ecstacy like 2 weeks ago and every negative, depressing, anxiety, paranoid thoughat was like 95% gone and i was like o shit im a human now..
SSRI time? Can I get some feedback. | self.Anxiety |
I feel like a failure because I can’t take a full course load in uni I don’t have a job, I don’t volunteer or have any clubs either. But I can only handle 3 courses per semester. I’ve tried taking 4-5 only to drop 2 of them due to stress and it just gets really overwhelming as I want a 3.0 gpa and I get immensely sad each time I fail at something. Its not like I’m a first year either. Why can other people take 4-6 classes while they have jobs but I can’t. It’s frustrating and I feel like I am lacking something. If other people can do more than me why can’t I. | self.offmychest |
Bye guys I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I'm 18 years old in my junior year of college and I keep getting lower grades by each term because of my inability to make friends and cope with the workload. My parents always compare me to my other cousin who gets a little better than me in exams. I'm usually an A student and I have a fulll scholarship to study abroad. I've had extreme anxiety and depression since high school and my parents don't understand. I will kill myself tonight | self.SuicideWatch |
Having trouble with health anxiety and my doctor I just need to rant. I have had a cough and stuffy nose thing for 3 months now. I finally went to the doctor because I thought I had some terrible disease because I started googling my symptoms and got all worked up. I went to the doctor and she checked me out and cleared me for bronchitis and pneumonia. Listened to my lungs and everything and she gave me some medicine through an inhaler and told me to keep using it till I feel better.. it's been a week and I'm still coughing but feel fine. I can't stop googling my symptoms and now I'm starting to believe my doctor missed something. I hate anxiety and the thoughts and worries it brings. | self.Anxiety |
[rant] I hate my job I work for a pharmacy as a technician and i hate every second there. The environment is toxic and my coworkers are assholes. I have not a single doubt in my mind that they talk shit about me when i’m not on the clock, mostly because i’m the newest member of the team and as such am still learning the kinks of the system (since every pharmacy is different). Sometimes i feel like when they snicker, it’s about me, or if they whisper to eachother theyre shittalking me right then and there. I’m convinced the lead pharmacist hates me and couldnt care less about me since she never asks about my life, yet asks the rest of the team about theirs. I feel alienated at my job and there’s nothing i can do bc everyone except me is in on it. The only coworker i got along with started working morning shift (i work close bc of school) and part of me thinks it’s because she thinks im a fuck up. Every minute there is agony but i dont wantto quit sknce the pay is double minimum wage and i dont want to relearn a new os for a different pharmacy. Even if i did quit my family would not be able to support me and would probably call me a loser for quitting, that’s what they did until i was able to get hired here. Every night i go to sleep hoping to not wake up so i dont have to worry about going back to that hell hole. | self.depression |
Been on suicidewatch for 72 hours and just got released only to find that r/lgbt is inciting intolerance and bigotry toward me when I commented for time in sub. Saw an lgbt post about disney and commented an unfavorable opinion about how disney is for kids and after Many down votes and mean trolls the mod banned me for no reason, I contacted them saying what happened to tolerance and acceptance and he pretty much told me to fuck off and I'm worthless and muted me so I can't even respond. It's really triggering me and I'm having a hard time being banned from a community I always felt a part of. I've been on suicidewatch the past couple days and things have been really tough now internet bullying is pushing me to extremes.
https://www.reddit.com/r/lgbt/comments/7fu1rs/strengthofaragingfire/
Edit: first time comment in the lgbt sub. Ever. | self.SuicideWatch |
Today could be the day? I am right on the edge. I am right on the edge today. I been close before but managed to pull it back. However this week I have been struggling to get through each day.
I wake up in the morning say goodbye to my partner and my little bump that I love so much. Has been only thing keeping me going. However today when I said goodbye it felt final. For the first time ever.
Its actually bringing me a little bit of peace. All the emotions have gone. Only thing that has kept me going is not wanting to hurt my family.
The straw that has final broken me is a financial one today. I need to make a £200 payment today and I have no idea where I can get it from. Life has spiraled out of control and I been struggling to cope now for 3 years.
I have wrote e-mails and set them up to send at midnight tonight to all my love ones. I am going to see out this day of work and then go for a long walk away from people and my family so only the paramedics will find me when the letters go out.
I wanted to just be honest in one last place before I go. So here I am signing out here.
Goodbye. I hope you all find the peace on earth you need. | self.SuicideWatch |
Has anyone ever given up on you? It's happened to me three times with 3 different groups of people since May and all I can think about is how beyond help and hopeless I feel. I've lost my family, two friends, and now my job/client all because of depression.
I've learned the hard way not to trust people's words when they say they care about you because it's really their actions when you're at your lowest that prove it. | self.depression |
Dear Andrew, Hey, how are you doing? I know we’re friends on Facebook, but I try to barely interact with you there. It’s been a long time, and I know that while I got some closure during our weeks long words with friends game so long ago, I guess you still pop in my mind from time to time.
I hope you’re happy. We are both so much different than we were when we were together, I’m divorced with kids, you’re married to a beautiful woman. So I’d never say any of this to you.
But, I never really got over you. I know I broke your heart when I broke it off, that is one of the biggest things I regret. I didn’t know how to tell you that I wasn’t happy because I don’t think I recognized it myself. We were pretty young, I was only 20. I thought that I had stuff figured out, I thought that the only way to make things better was to hide my actual feelings from you until I was so discontent and sad that even though my problems were fixable, I thought I could only deal with them alone.
I feel like so much of where I am today is so hardwired to breaking up with you when and how I did.
I never told you, because how could I? But about four months after I left, my boss’ son raped me. I was sad and spiraling over missing you and he took advantage of that. I moved home shortly after that, and things got even worse. I ended up marrying a complete dickwad. I think I thought being married would make it all feel better.
It didn’t. I still missed you. It was after I got married that we played words with friends. I missed you.
I divorced the dickwad, and still thought of you. Maybe I’ve completely forgotten the bad stuff, but I do know the reason I left you wasn’t you, it was me. That’s not a line, not the tired cliched it sounds like. I still loved you even when I sat on your bed a week later and reiterated that it had to end as you cried and I cried. I cried after you came to my apartment and showed me that dorky tattoo you finally got. I cried when you didn’t want your ps2 back. I still have that damn thing.
It’s been almost ten years, and I still miss you. I miss your silliness. I miss how wonderful our love was. I miss how you’d get really excited to start a new hobby and then spend way too much money on it and then never do anything with the stuff. Did you ever learn to play the bass? I really hope so.
You’re the one that got away. I think you always will be. I think I’ll alway wonder “what if.” But nothing can or ever will come of it. So I suppose I’ll say Goodbye one more time, goodbye Andrew, I miss you.
| self.offmychest |
Heavily considering it One of my super close friends committed suicide on wednesday night. I was the last one to see him, just a see you tomorrow, we part ways in the hallway, and then that was it. This has been extremely hard on everyone around him. We are both 16, and in debate. He was a great kid, everyone loved him, he could talk to anyone about anything. He seemed to have decent parents, he had great grades, and a really large prospect ahead of him. We have all been searching for 48 hours and cannot whatsoever find any signs of why he did it.
This has made me think a little bit harder. Why exactly am I still living? Is a drop of happiness truly worth living life for? Why exactly do we live? I have great grades, 99th percentile SAT, do really well in both music and debate, and I know that I definitely have a future ahead of me.
That said, why is that future worth being a part of. Is the happiness I glean from activities truly worth the endeavor of living? I have no idea why we go on, and why I should go on.
I really hope that someone here will convince me to live on, but I don't see a reason to progress through a game of life where there never is winning, there is only work that must be done. And if there is no life after death, why is it that we choose to live our full lives rather than just end it earlier? Thanks. | self.SuicideWatch |
Going to throw myself in front of a train I was going to try to find some drugs but it looks like I am going to have to go earlier than planned. It will be painful as fuck but short, I hope. Hopefully, not many will see at this time of day. Love you Gran. Sayonara. | self.SuicideWatch |
Hi I’m new? Not gonna lie I’m not sure how reddit even works I just found it was a huge community with people from everywhere so I decided to join. I think I have bipolar disorder and I’m too poor to go to a doctor | self.bipolar |
my sister was sexually harassed at work and my dad is making it about him. It happened last week. She's in sales and one of her clients tried to rape her basically. He started touching her and she froze. Then she had the consciousness to take control of the situation and leave so avoided the rape scenario.
I was on a business trip so she texted me saying if I can talk. I said I'm in a meeting but text anyway. She texted me what happened. It took me a good 15 min to put myself together. I called her after the meeting and she immediately started crying. I cried too. I told her that I'm sorry this happened and that I wasn't there to protect her. I told her that I'm gonna kill the guy once I come back. We talked for an hour and I told her that I'm so proud that she took control over the situation and left. I know we all freeze in these situations. I told her it's fine if she wants to quit her job. Her job is business to business sales in not so good areas so I understood. I don't want this to happen again. She's already interviewing for two more jobs anyway.
Obviously it's more comfortable to talk about these issues with women so she told my mom and not my dad. My dad found out today from my mom and he's like why no one told me. That's pretty much what he's mostly upset about that why he wasn't told first and why did she quit. Now he's demanding us to have a monthly "family meeting" for god knows why. We're not 14. We're adults.
I told about this to my boyfriend when I first found out. He was as furious as I was and he said she should quit her job because it's not safe. So ... I'm pretty sure not all men act like how my dad does. He's making it all about him vs I think it's time for us to keep our thoughts to ourselves and just support her. This is a traumatic event and it's not easy to talk about. I feel like my dad doesn't understand her situation at all.
Plus also feel betrayed by mom. She just went and told my dad about this without her consent and permission ??? this is such a sensitive topic that she chose to share with us ... we can't be going around telling everyone! She was going to tell my dad in her own time but my mom kinda ruined it.
tl;dr: Instead of being supportive of my sister, my dad is whining about being left out. | self.offmychest |
I regret not killing myself Every day I regret not killing myself I don't even know why I keep going on. Fuck this life. The people who say they want you around really don't.
They convenience you not to kill yourself before the leave and abandone you. They say it's not that bad but they don't fucking know what your feeling the pain inside the suffering.
It's not even hard to kill myself anymore. It used to be a feeling of what if I leave something or someone behind who cares. It turns out those people don't exist. The sooner I go away the better. | self.SuicideWatch |
this disabled kid i went to summer school with (10+ years ago) told he he wished he had my life, then ended up dying a couple years later Not sure how I feel about it but I think about it a few times a year. I've had suicidal thoughts almost my entire life. I'm dealing with a tissue disease that's turning the tissue in my penis into scar tissue and i have really bad ED. There are no cures. Now I'm getting the same thing in my foot. I have new lipomas popping up under my skin every few months. I have low testosterone. My knees and my elbows hurt. I have relationship issues that I don't even want to get into. I don't know what's happening to me but I'm starting to get worried that it's serious.
I still have a lot to be thankful for, though. So I just put most of my energy into my job and hope the other shit just sorts itself out. | self.offmychest |
I think my insecurities may seriously kill me one day [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Try magnesium. Can’t hurt. Helped me a lot. Nutritional deficiencies could be a major factor in your anxiety. | self.Anxiety |
There's no amount of meds I can take that will properly medicate my overwhelming generalized anxiety without screwing everything else up It just feels cosmically unfair that the fact that I need to take multiple mood stabilizers seems to mean the balance is such that it's impossible for SSRIs to lessen very much of my anxiety. I've been seeing my pdoc for years and she's great and I trust her, and we spent two years figuring out the formula for my comorbid cocktail. Before I was diagnosed bipolar obvs life was miserable, but I was able to take a higher dosage of the SSRI I still take (Lexapro) and maybe I'm remembering with rose colored shades, but I feel like back then, while my life may have been spiraling out of control, the anxiety wasn't quite so paralyzing. We've tried multiple times to increase the Lexapro, but every time I become catatonically emotionless within the week, so I know at least for Lexapro that's not a viable option.
My pdoc seems to think that the anxiety is more situational than chemical, but I can't help but feel this isn't a normal (or completely unmedicateable) level of crippling anxiety to feel constantly.
At the same time this isn't an ideal point in my life to go gambling with switching up my meds again.
Is it really just impossible for some of us to find chemical relief from anxiety in a way that won't throw off the balance of the mood stabilizers? I know I should pursue DBT or CBT but $ makes that really difficult right now when I already pay my pdoc out of pocket and am broke as a joke. Is it pessimistic or deluded to think there's no way something other than medication could treat my anxiety the way meds did in the past? I know therapy could help with depression and such, but what of the every-second-of-everyday anxiety that is definitely not entirely situational and has not improved with changing situational circumstances? If the anxiety was caused by something specific I might be more optimistic about CBT/DBT, but it's just... generalized. It doesn't go away.
I feel my options are a. try another drug and start over so to speak, or b. accept that this is my lot in life as a bipolar person. | self.bipolar |
Have any of you had a psychotic episode without stopping your medication? | self.bipolar |
Will CBT work if my anxiety is related to alcohol and i continue to drink? I am just about to start university and enjoy partying but the next days can be absolute hell. As much as it may seem easy to say just don't drink, I enjoy the social aspect of it and realistically I'm not going to stop. Should I seek CBT regardless or is it a waste of time?
| self.Anxiety |
A close family member just passed, in the worst sort of way [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Anxiety makes me productive, but at a cost. I just finished school and have a ringing echo of empty unscheduled days. Time to get a job. But now I can't sleep. Anxiety rattles my bones.
I wish I would just go get some anti anxiety pills already! | self.Anxiety |
Hyper / Skittish At Work :( Usually I’m okay, but today was rough. Everything was too much, too loud. And my coworker noticed and told me to calm down. He didn’t say t in a mean way, but I hate that I can’t calm down in those situations. It’s just something I have to wait out.
I still feel awful and embarassed and I hate myself. I hate that I don’t have control over my own mind and body. | self.Anxiety |
What's the point of anything? Genuinely what is the point to doing anything? I didn't ask to have to work or deal with the unpleasantries of life, nor did I ask for a like in general. The way I see it through my personal experience is that the bad always out ways the good, there's more unpleasant than pleasant, and I really have very few interests or reasons to stick around, so why bother? | self.SuicideWatch |
less than a week left I go to a good school. Like, a very, very good school. Graduates tend to go on to great careers, the profs are all amazing, etc. I used to be a really ambitious, kind of cocky person until I made it to this school, where the work was more than I could handle, and it just absolutely broke me. I couldn't (and can't) handle the stress of being here. I'm too stressed to do work and then I guilt the shit out of myself for not working. My sophomore year I attempted suicide for the first time. Junior year I went through a phase when I was too depressed to get out of bed and go to classes, even classes I was really excited for. I simply wasn't able to do what I needed to do, and I couldn't handle how much I was failing myself and everyone else. I was told the only way I wouldn't fail out would be taking a semester off for my mental health to recover. I did that, and I thought it helped, but a year and a half later things are just as bad, if not worse.
It's finals week, in what's supposed to be my last semester, but there's no way I'm going to graduate on time. I have a 2.3 GPA. My hardest major class has a final tomorrow morning that I doubt I'll do well on, and I'm so far behind in the homework that I need at least an 83% to pass the class. The dean of academic affairs has told me that because my major GPA is 2.0 if I lower it at all I fail out.
I just can't see myself living if I fail out of here. That's too much of a dark cloud that would hang over me the rest of my life. It's been hard enough explaining my GPA to any prospective employer for the past few years, but a legitimate failure? I don't think I could live like that. I've always wanted to be a success, and this would just be too much. If I do fail, I will definitely try and kill myself.
I told this to my boyfriend, he tried to convince me not to, but I simply can't foresee a future where I've failed out of this school. I try to and my brain draws a blank. It's not me. It's not who I am. My parents and relatives have given up so much for me to be here, and given me so many second chances, and I've squandered them all. I don't deserve to keep taking them.
Unless through some miracle I pass my exams and make up half a semester's worth of work in the next 5 days, I have one week left to live... People keep congratulating me on how I'm "graduating" soon but I never know what to say to them. I feel so broken... | self.SuicideWatch |
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