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Im scared it will come back Hi guys. So ive been suffering from generalized anxiety for about a year and a half. Ive been seeing a therapis for a long time. It was so bad back then. Constant anxiety and panic. But i got better. Much better. However, ive had some rough time lately. One day my mouth became so dry out of nowhere. It was hard to swallow. Next day i got a lump in my throat. And i've had it for a week now. Constantly dry mouth and that lump is the worst. So the point is that it gives me lots of anxiety. Ive had a few panic attacks as well. Im so scared im going to choke or die. That it is cancer or something. Im not sure if i am sick or something. Is it just some kind of sore throat? I know this might me an anxiety symptom as well. Nonetheless it scares me a lot. Im teriffied. Im gonna visit my gp to check if everything is ok. But as i said. I feel awful and so scared. Im scared that im gonna go back to the point i was like a year ago. This feeling never goes away. Please any advices? | self.Anxiety |
Panic Attack during Surgery So when I got my wisdom teeth out today, I was supposed to be completely knocked out. They gave me laughing gas before the IV was put in because I have a phobia of needles.
Of course I got a shitty nurse with no bedside manner who, when I got nervous and asked what something was that she was putting on my face, laughed, and said "it's just oxygen, what did you think it was?"
So get to the actual surgery. The IV is in, the laughing gas is working, although I still did not enjoy the needle and I'm still anxious. My head is still clear. I say "I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate." I say it again. No real response.
So, the anesthesia doesn't work. I am having a FULL-BLOWN-uncontrollable sobbing panic attack while they are performing the surgery.
Furthermore, they keep telling me to calm down and stop moving, and I try to tell them that I'm sorry, that I'm trying to, and that I can't seem to control it. The doctor swore a couple times as well. Eventually they said they were done and I opened my eyes, as I was already conscious anyway.
TL;RD I was supposed to be knocked out, but instead was awake and sobbing uncontrollably during the surgery on my wisdom teeth.
Note: I could feel them doing things in my mouth, but there was no pain. | self.Anxiety |
NEED SERIOUS HELP Haven’t had anxiety nor a panic attack for a year and here we are having a major setback.
it all started a month ago from a family issue but I didn’t care at all. Why care? it’s just anxiety after all, if you truly accept it, it will fade away. Anyways trying to change my lifestyle ruined everything... So for the past month I was sleeping 8 hours a day but at 5 am decided wanted to sleep earlier like 11 pm. Tried everything to fix it didn’t work. So on Jan 12th I tried the sleep deprivation method where you stay up all night and this is what happened.
Jan 11th woke up at 2:30 pm (8hrs)
Fri Jan12th stayed up, slept at 5:30-11:30pm (6hrs)
then 2 am -9am (7hrs)
all nighter to fix sleep sched failed, tiredness caused severe anxiety, mild panic attack.
Sat Jan13th slept at 1pm-5pm (4hrs), 11:30pm-4:30am (5hrs)
Sun Jan 14th slept at 8:30am -1:30pm (5hrs)
Mon Jan 15th slept at 1am-5am (4hrs), 11pm - 4pm (5hrs) then at 1am-5am (4hrs)
Tues Jan 16th slept 10pm-4am (6hrs)
Wed Jan 17th slept at 1pm-6pm (5hrs), 1am-4am (3hrs)
Thurs Jan 18th slept at 2pm-9pm (7hrs), 1am-5:30am (4.5hrs)
Fri Jan 19th slept at 1am-4:30am (3.5 hrs)
Sat Jan 20th slept at 5 pm - 8:30 pm (3.5hrs), went to bed at 12, panic attack at 2:30 am
Sun Jan 21th slept at 8am-11:30am(3.5hrs), 12pm-8pm (8hrs w ativan) then 1am-4:30am (3.5hrs)
And here we are, still up...
Trying to fix this sleeping problem seems impossible, what would you do? I need to sleep normally so I eat normally so I digest normally so I get enough energy to manage this frkn anxiety. I need your help reddit.
| self.Anxiety |
Shy I'm honestly hating university right now, I have a few close friends who I see once a week but during that time I'm stuck in my room. I feel so lonely and depressed and I hate myself because I'm so shy, it makes me cringe when I have human interaction with my flatmates because I can't stop thinking about how I should've said something else or if I was embarrassing or not.
Just 'being', doing or saying anything at the moment is making me cringe with embarrassment.
I keep trying to get past this but it doesn't work and I feel like I'm missing out on opportunities and making friends because my self esteem is low.
And I am very jealous and envious of out going people who can just talk to anyone.
I feel like I'm missing out and it's because of myself and everything I try to do to stop it doesn't work.
I'm sorry for this long weird rant but I really needed to get it off my chest before I explode. | self.depression |
i feel like an ass and i don't know what to do. [deleted] | self.offmychest |
Definitely depression, but could there be something else too? (Thanks in advance!) I'm in my early 20's, currently a full-time student, currently seeing a counselor at my university for the depression I had from October-early February.
Some background: *Had an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father growing up
*had cycles of depression as a teen but nothing as bad as this past fall, never before gotten treatment for it.
*used to have anger issues that I've been working on and have mostly gotten better.
*I used to be and still have worries in the back of my mind about some new super bug plague wiping out humanity, apocalyptic scenarios (before dystopian books were a thing-- or at least before it was on my radar), generally was and am irritable at times (can't stand foot/leg bouncers/tappers and gum smacking--as a result I feel pretty trapped in lecture halls). Something that also seems to stand out to me is that a year or two ago I got uncontrollably angry (literally shaking mad) at my roommate for no reason and had to go on a really long walk.
Currently: During my depressed period I had foggy cotton ball brain, couldn't concentrate, trouble sleeping and staying asleep, the irritability, suicidal thoughts all the time, racing thoughts.
Early last week I kinda started feeling better, one day everything looked more vivid. That sounds weird, but color had a touch more color, bright things were more bright. The next day I was so elated and have been ecstatic each morning. Waking up has been easy for the first time in a long time. I'm not riddled with self doubt or constantly wondering if I'm annoying people by talking to them. I'm actually excited for my future. I got cheap new clothes that fit so I don't have to wear my sweatpants every day any more.
Today I woke up early, did a bunch of errands, got more clothes, ran for the first time since September, did my usual short workout routine twice, and even went to an event at my university.
It's nice to finally be happy, but it feels wrong to be THIS happy so suddenly after having suicidal thoughts all day every day.
I meant to talk to my counselor about all this this morning but she was out sick---so instead I am asking for any personal experience or thoughts on this to see if I might be way off base or not here. | self.bipolar |
Ways to stop or slow down agitation? My boyfriend and I just moved into a new place, and since the day we moved in I've been extremely productive. I unpacked in one day, i do everyone's dishes as soon as they finish with them, and I've been going on multiple walks a day. I cant stop doing things, but i feel depressed. I'm just realizing today that I've been extremely agitated, does anybody know how to deal with the agitation and calm down? | self.bipolar |
I hate that my depression makes me feel unmotivated to do anything, and my family just thinks I'm lazy. [deleted] | self.depression |
I have holidays, birthdays, events of any sort. Am I the only one? They just stress me out: What or how I'm supposed to do, gift, act.. | self.depression |
Severe chest pain/trouble breathing for last 2 weeks - anxiety related or should i go to the doctor?! [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Statement I am a sensitive, compassionate, and hardworking individual. During the past year and months of my life I have suffered the most heartbreaking, spirit-crushing, mind-bending and debilitating tribulations I have ever experienced. These events include and have resulted in a dramatic worsening of my personal mental disorder and emotional well-being, the dissolution of my marriage, the loss of two homes, four jobs and the companionship and respect of every last one of my friends; the breakdown of family ties, multiple fruitless and counter-productive hospitalizations and incarcerations and a steady decline in hope, purpose, dignity, and any enjoyment of or appreciation for life or myself. RIGHT NOW I need and want any and all the help - real, helpful help - I can get. Help born of compassion, not "help" born of eliminating liability. Help that actually addresses and helps my desires and needs. I have been deceived, deserted, and shunned by all the individuals I counted on and trusted most and to whom I still devote all the love, esteem, and devotion I have to give. All the paths forward toward a happy, safe, successful and fulfilled life I once counted on being able to traverse have all closed up. Everyone I encounter or seek either doesn't care about me, misunderstands the difficulties I am living with, exploits my debilitated state or all the above. I am existing in a constant state of despair and confusion - unsure of anyones' motives, unable to determine whether or not possible scenarios or circumstances I may be living through are indeed happening or not, and afraid my life has been or is being intentionally ruined or at least that I and my situation are being exploited for the benefit of some other party and will continue to be for as long as I exist in this state; or equally terrifying - that through my own deficiencies, foolishness, and loss of self-control I myself have have damned my own life. Or both. Any way - my life is ruined, if only for the present. Some things I have noticed suggest the possibility I am being exploited by many individuals known and/or unknown to me in an organized and orchestrated fashion (possibilities widely ranging in number of people involved, the group or groups and agenda or agendas they serve, motives and possible counter motives, and level[s] of invasiveness). Sometimes I feel as if I'm being blackballed. Sometimes I feel as if I'm receiving some elaborate covert intervention. Sometimes I feel as if I'm being initiated into a secret society and the "password in" can only be hinted at to me. Most of the time I just feel like I'm being gang-raped. These possibilities sometimes also take on supernatural or paranormal dimensions. They can neither be proven nor disproven so I do not fully accept any of them as true nor dismiss any of them as false. The existence of cellular communication, tracking, and surveillance, the internet, drones, brainwashing, psychotropic drugs, and who knows what other technologies and "magic" all certainly allow for the feasible existence of such activities. I have made preparations to end my life as it has become increasingly probable I will become inexorably trapped in a lifetime-remainder of complete and ever-deepening misery. Every day for over one year I have and still continue to attentively watch a balance of possible hope and otherwise inevitable failure, ready to kill my self immediately after the scale tips. I have come to expect this may happen at any time. Every therapy, aid, or remedy administered to me including every class of psychiatric medication, psychiatric hospitalization, calls to crisis-hotlines, professional counseling, various behavioral therapies, group therapy, and seeking help from my family and friends have all thus far failed to help me - and in most cases have actually contributed to the worsening of my situation. All personal efforts including pursuing a vocation, pursuing hobbies and creative endeavors, pursuing leisure, making changes to a physically healthier lifestyle, examining and trying to improve ways of thinking, meditation, prayer, therapeutic use of psychedelics, and even just "not giving a shit" are all failing to fly. Although I care about myself, a list of accumulating and increasingly severe disappointments in "me" is weighing more and more heavily down my efforts toward self-improvement and redemption. I live in constant fright of all human relationships being based fundamentally upon opportunism, cost-benefit analysis, psychological manipulation, deceit, sadism, treachery, conspiracy, hypocrisy and authoritarianism, and that bigotry, prejudice, willful ignorance, tastelesness, and spiritual dereliction are all - if only in a hidden and secreted way - the hallmarks of the human character. If the love I believed was so true were false - as my loved ones continue to prove - there can not be such thing at all except once in my imagination. I feel too stupid, too poor in skill, charm, luck, or ambition to thrive - let alone survive - in such a world. With dream-like horror I repeatedly come to the realization I am only just barely intelligent enough to realize how stupid I am and how bad my situation is. Everything feels either "too late" or "not soon enough." It's all just wrong. Either I, the world immediately around me, or both are very, very... inadequate. There are no words or expressions emphatic enough to describe the grief, pain, and despair I feel. I want to cry but I can't. My only hope and wish is I am incorrect in all my suspicious fears, that all I am (and anyone else has or is) suffering eventually results in an ultimately improved and whole state of being; that I may develop a beautiful and unique character and what talents I may have to their greatest potential in personal, societal, ecological, and spiritual stability for the rest of my life in a way that benefits both myself and others; that everyone receives exactly what they desire and need; for perfect and endlessly deepening happiness and fulfillment for each and all; that no event between two or more people ever again need occur without mutual consent, that no one ever need leave safety if they don't wish to, and that everyone who chooses to can always find their way back home again. Thank you for reading. | self.depression |
Can't tell how depressed I am First off, I want to say how sad it is that there were 38 /u/depressedthrowaway's before this.
Anyway, I know I feel somewhat depressed, but I, for some reason, can't tell how I depressed I am. I try to think back to how I felt yesterday, how I felt for the last week, and how I felt for the last month, and my brain comes up blank. I'm normally a pretty intelligent person, but I feel like I'm somewhat brain dead right now. I think that I've been depressed for around a month, maybe more. I know that, towards the end of the summer and the beginning of the school year, I felt amazing. I actually felt motivated, and spent a lot of time going out with friends and partying and stuff. Even when bad things happened, and I made some (potentially) incredibly self-destructive choices, everything was going right. I felt truly happy, and at peace with myself.
Somewhere along the line, this changed. I became reclusive, and stopped hanging out with a lot of friends. I spend most of my time feeling empty. I think the happiest I've felt recently has been just feeling somewhat normal, but I honestly can't remember. I'm procrastinating the fuck out of school-related stuff. I've continued acting impulsively, but this feels different. Like I kinda want to hurt myself(but not really), not just push the limits. I feel like things could (and likely will) go wrong, but I just don't care.
But I don't know how depressed I feel. I'm not even sure if I'm suicidal or not. I don't think I am. Sometimes I've felt like I wish I wasn't alive, or how I wouldn't really care if I died. But this isn't like actively wanting to die, I don't think. I don't think that part will get worse, but I really have no idea.
Part of this brain fog might be that I wasn't able to get any sleep last night, but its been going on for longer. I distinctly remember, a few weeks ago, sitting there looking at the ceiling thinking "why does my brain feel so blank?" Or something of that sort. This is really weird. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, because I'm really not, but I think I'm a pretty intelligent person. Got great grades, took a shit-ton of AP classes, skipped two grades. Most of my college tuition is covered by scholarships. But my thinking feels so sluggish right now. I can barely relate to my mental functioning before. I feel very mildly "disconnected" from reality, in a sense. Like my sense of time is somewhat skewed, and I like zone out sometimes. I also have been feeling really fucking socially awkward.
So how depressed am I? I know this isn't severe depression, because I can like get out of bed without issue, can easily take care of myself, and am not going to kill myself. Would this just be minor depression, within the normal variation of human emotion? Or would it be like moderate depression? Does this sound bad enough that I should potentially seek help from a therapist or a psychiatrist, or will this go away on its own/become easier to manage?
Does this even sound like depression? I'm not asking for a diagnosis or anything, but are there any other physical/developmental/mental/personality/emotional disorders I should consider?
And does anyone have any words of encouragement/advice? | self.depression |
Past trauma causing detachment from family (kinda long) I [21f] went through sexual abuse multiple times throughout childhood and was sexually assaulted about 2 years ago. The abusers/assaulter were relatives or were relatives by marriage. I was even was blamed for molesting my little cousin when I was about 11 and she was 4. No one believed me when I said I didn't do it until she finally admitted she lied about me molesting her. When I told my parents about my brother and cousin sexually abusing me when I was 9 (my brother 13 and my cousin 15 at the time of the abuse) they didn't get me into counseling, which caused problems when I got older. Instead it seemed like my mom wanted me to keep it on a down low so my brother wouldn't get in trouble. Luckily when I got older I sought out help on my own. I'm currently in an age gap relationship they don't approve of (he's 13 years older than me). When I invite my boyfriend to family gatherings they isolate the both us. They think he's only with me to use me, but he's a genuine and wonderful man who has been nothing but good to me. He wants to be part of the family but so far only my extended family has accepted him, my immediate family hasn't. They also expect me to be a helper in every family event but won't do this with my younger cousins or those close to me age. Because of these incidents and how my family treats me some times, I'm becoming more detached from my family. I've been hurt more by family members than by friends or people I don't know. I want to move away from my family, but don't have the finances to do so not only that I'm in school. My boyfriend lives 4 hours away from me and has offered for me to live with him but I can't move until I finish college. I am job hunting at the moment and only had two interviews with no success so far. My family wants to keep me close but I feel smothered by them. For about 3 years now I've been wanting to spread my wings and fly far away. | self.offmychest |
I believe my older brother has severe depression. What can I do? Sorry that my typing here is a mess. I'm just lost.
My brother is in his 2nd year of college. I'm a high school junior.
I didn't hear about it from him. He confides in one of his best friends, who grew seriously concerned about my brother's well being based on their conversations. So his best friend talked to my dad- our only parent- who told me, because he doesn't know what to do.
The problem is that our dad has always put a lot pressure on my brother. He's loosened up over the years, but my dad was always in my brother's face about his grades (which were already waaay above average) and his weight. My brother doesn't tell my dad anything anymore, and I totally get why. It's not like it's a strained relationship, but I've always noticed that my brother seems a little... too appeasing towards my dad. He always knows to say the right things to stay out of trouble. So after my brother went to college, my dad and him grew more and more distant. My dad seriously loves my brother, but he was just too controlling and old-timey (think conservative racist who doesn't "believe" in mental illness). My brother and I are very liberal, though my brother is much more vocal about his opinions- so that sorta opened up a lot of room for distaste.
My brother and I are a lot closer to each other, but we don't talk regularly. Even though I disagree with my dad's views my dad and I are really tight-knit- anyone could see that. I think that explains my brother's reluctance to talk to either of us. I'm sure we've made it feel like me, my dad, and oh, also him. You know? That's the last thing I could've wanted. But I'm certain that's how it feels sometimes.
Anyways, his best friend told my dad that my brother's state is seriously concerning. That his grades have plummeted and that, because of that, his school no longer lets him have access to their mental health services. I have **no** idea what sort of reasoning there is behind this, but I'm inclined to believe best-friend 100%.
The signs were there- weight fluctuations, lack of self-care, weird sleeping schedule- but I didn't know his depression was this severe. I love my brother so much- it kills me to know that this is something he's dealing with. What kills me the most is feeling like I can't do anything to help him. I feel like I can't even bring this up to him- best-friend didn't want to betray my brother's trust, so he doesn't want brother to find out that it was him who brought up these concerns. My brother doesn't trust our dad, and he doesn't trust me, either. I totally understand why. I couldn't be that support for him. But because of this, I can't hold a serious conversation with him- he'll deflect it.
I've struggled with my mental health over the past two years as well- though my depressive states were largely a symptom of another thing rather than a debilitating independent condition. I never sought professional help for it so I have no idea what the recovery process for these things is like. At the very least, I can feel the tiniest part of what he's facing. But that’s nothing. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. What can I do? | self.depression |
I Love Winter When I was a child I used to love summertime. The freedom from school, the warm weather, bike riding with my friends, playing stickball, ice cream trucks everywhere, baseball games on TV every night (free TV, not cable). I hated winter because you couldn’t go outside without being bundled up, my bike was in the garage and there was endless school. I remember how the first warm days of springtime made my heart soar. The possibilities were endless. Anything seemed possible.
But now I’m middle aged and worn down by so many disappointments that life has shown me, so many times my heart has been broken, so many dreams of my youth shattered.
And now I prefer the winter, the bitter cold and the snow and ice. I prefer them because when it’s cold outside with snow drifts everywhere, people are shut inside their homes. So when I walk the streets, I don’t have to see the pretty girls in their summer dresses and be reminded of every time I loved in vain. I don’t have to see the playing, jumping, laughing children without a care in the world and be reminded that I was once one of them before my world began to darken with bitterness and depression and regret and despair. I don’t have to see the young couples walking arm in arm and talking to each other and laughing, or seeing them in the park holding each other close and be reminded how much and for how long I’ve yearned for love, to be held close, to be someone’s whole world, to be someone’s special guy only to be rejected again and again and again. I don’t want to be reminded that I haven’t been kissed or embraced by a woman for years, decades. I don’t want to be reminded of everything I once dreamed of having but never got, and now, with more years behind me than ahead, will likely never have.
No more summers. Give me frigid cold, give me snow and ice, give me wind chill factors below zero. Keep everyone inside their homes. It is the only way my pain can be eased. | self.depression |
This week I am going to kill myself, but im afraid of death. Hi. Even tho I doubt anyone cares about my self-pity, and just about me in general, but i wanted to talk to somebody.
im a 17 year old girl. Right now im in my second final year in highscool. but i fucked up everything. I have no chance of getting anywhere in life like this. and right now im also in big trouble so tomorrow when i go to school, my teachers are going to kill me (and of course this has to be done in front of the class and everyone). i cant take this anymore. even tho i always worked as hard as possible to do good at least at the important classes, i always end up fucking it up and failing. and it never stops. day by day we write tests after tests. i dont have day when i dont have one. and for me this mean failure and stress and insomnia every day. and i never even have any time for myself and what i love, but its all pointless because it doesnt worth learning for me, i just get humiliation for my bad perfomance. the next days im gonna have multiple tests as well, but i dont have any life left in me, i cant learn. I'm afraid to even go to school next week. There are so many things im going to get so much trouble for, i am going to be humiliated by the teacher next week. hell, i might even get expelled if next week it turnes out i missed unnecessary classes like art and P.E.? then my life is really over, i know, its my fault. if not expelled, but my main teacher is going to kill me thats sure.
Im lonely, was never loved by anyone, no matter how much i was trying. I always took care of myself, and was trying to get best out of myself. Even tho im ugly, i was always obsessed with the way i look. No guy ever loved me, and when finally i tried to make a move towards the boy i have been in love with for years, i was rejected. i hate school, i was always a loser, for most of my life i was bullied, and im still an easy target, and teachers hate me too.
I love my mother and my dogs, and the good memories i had in my life, im afraid of losing them, i will miss them more than anything.
I have overdosed last year, but it was a pathetic attempt to kill myself, there was no way it could have been strong enough to kill me. i have been cutting myself since i was 11. i had been on the complete edge before many times, but i was always too afraid of death to kill myself. but now i am just in a way too big trouble to get out in any other way. im going to get myself rope and hopefully hang myself. but im still afraid of death. i am not religious, i couldnt believe in heaven or reincarnation, but at the same time i dont know what to believe. Is death scary? Whats gonna happen afterwards? im scared...
| self.SuicideWatch |
Diário de um depressivo sem amigos Capitulo 1:Em meu primeiro dia de aula quando fiz 12 anos, eu percebi q precisava de amigos, fui tentar fazer amizades e escrevi as tentativas em meu diario:
Dia 1: eles e elas me xingaram por ser diferente e não gostar de funk mas eu vou tentar amanhã.
Dia 2: novamente, cabelo grande e roupas pretas não combinam com amizade
Dia 3: estou ficando preocupado
Dia 4: diário, eu não sei, eu não consigo fazer uma amizade
Dia 5: realmente eu provavelmente sou de outro planeta
Dia 132: desisti!!! Amigos não são pra mim, estou depressivo e acho q todos me odeiam por ser rockeiro e etc... O nome do meu diário vai ser mudado para : diário de um depressivo sem amigos | self.depression |
I should've been aborted I'm a fucking useless piece of trash that no one wanted. My father abandoned me before I turned 2. When my mom shows her true colours she confesses that I'm a worthless piece of shit that is just a parasite and my sisters are better than me. My step father blames me for everything and had even ended up with a one sided brawl a few years ago.
If they didnt want me why didnt my mom just go through with the abortion? She tells me that she decided to get out of that shady clinic at the last minute. As if she's expecting me to be grateful that she brought me into this shit hole of a world. I didnt ask to be born. I didnt ask to live. So stop blaming everything on me.
If I even had a scrap of courage I would kill myself for everyone. Even my supposed friends end up leaving me. My former best friend says that she was never mad at me. But the fight we had didnt give any of those signs.
People are their real selves when they get mad. Thats when you know who your dealing with. | self.SuicideWatch |
I'm painfully lonely and can't make friends A lot of the time, I feel like I'm not alive, like I'm a ghost hovering around or that I'm possessing my body and that it's slowly rotting. Part of the reason is because of how easily forgettable and unnoticeable I am, it's really like I am a ghost -- I'm barely there, no wants to hang out where I am and they just look through me.
I've dropped out of college for various reasons, mostly I just didn't have a good reason to be there. I had expected everything to be great and to join clubs and meet people and it was a dud. Everyone there already knew each other and the two people I befriended hung out alone in their own time. This isn't the first time this happens -- introducing people to each other and having them take an interest in one another and leave me behind. I should be a fucking matchmaker at this rate.
Anyway, I now work from home and only regularly leave to go to the gym or shop. I have no other reasons to go outside. I have no idea who my neighbors are.
I feel lonely and sad all the time, and like I'm a failure socially, because I've always wanted to have friends -- mostly because I've lost so many friends over the years due to moving schools and later countries. No one keeps in touch with me online long enough, they all forget about me because they either quickly replace me or all have busier, better lives with their universities, boyfriends and families while I have none of that.
I force myself to socialize once a month. Most of the group I meet are 10 or more years older than me also with lives, established jobs, relationships and social circles. I don't have much in common with them, especially since I don't party or even drink, and most of their outings revolve around alcohol. Being the only sober person among drunk people is maddening, so I end up skipping all the happy hour/bar/club meetups.
Conforming to their lifestyle doesn't help either, I tried at first the whole bars and clubs shit. I just stand in the corner, uncomfortable as fuck and wanting to go home. The last alcohol-based meetup ended with me playing nurse to a girl who got so black-out drunk she made herself sick. I literally spent hours holding her hair back, getting her things to vomit into, forcing her to drink water, keeping others from making her lay down, holding her upright, I even made arrangements for someone to drive her home after she sobered up and fucking carried her to the car. If it weren't for me, the rest of the party-goers probably would have gotten her hurt, they kept trying to send her home in an Uber or make her lie down while she was still barely conscious and puking her guts out.
She never thanked me for that by the way. We're on the same group chat.
Anyway, even if its a sober gathering, it's a chore, keeping the conversations going. Am I that boring? Why is no one ever interested in starting small-talk with me or keeping the conversation going while they can talk about *wine* for 20 minutes at a time?
I would love to go to these meet-ups more but every time I go to an outing or gathering, I come out exhausted and need to recharge for the rest of the month, even while I still feel achingly lonely, ignored or forgotten. Like maybe if someone contacted me after that, talked about anything, asked if I was going to the next meetup or literally anything, I'd be more encouraged to go to more meetups. No one ever does.
I think most of them forgot my name, to be honest.
Part of the issue is that I'm tired of being the one who puts all the effort into maintaining friendships. I'm always there to talk, always there to listen, to help, to care and even to hang out, and if they stop posting on social media, I ask after them. No one fucking does 1/10 of that for me. Once I stopped doing that, that made me even more forgettable.
I had a friend who was in a similar situation but this year she surpassed me in leagues. She's in university, has had like two boyfriends and a revolving door of makeout buddies, has a shit-ton of friends, is part of a sorority and goes to so many events and has sleepovers and shit.
She's also forgets about me until she needs me for something. We've known each other since infancy, and every time we talk she calls some bitch she just met 'her best friend' and I'm tired. People are my best friend but I'm never theirs.
I'm tired of this, I don't know how else to make friends or keep them without doing all the work. I swear even fucking pen pals phase out of messaging me, we talk for weeks, have great conversations and then they forget me, and I don't want to message and ask 'Hey, where did you go?' because I know I'm going to get a bullshit 'sorry' answer and go back to being forgotten.
This feeling has been getting worse, my depressive episodes have been increasing and at the peak of each episode I cry about how lonely I am. I'm tired of being friendless and single, but I don't know how to make good friends or find someone to date. The only guys interested me are creepy older men, who hit on literally anyone, and I can't even think about dating a girl because how would I hide that from my family?
I just want someone to remember me, to miss me enough to seek me out, I'm tired of making an ass of myself maintaining chats or messaging with people who forget me.
I just want one friend. Just one who talks to me regularly and remembers me and wants to hang out semi-regularly, even if it's to bum around the mall or babysit their fucking siblings I don't care.
I'm terrified of dying depressed, childless, friendless and alone like my aunt did, especially since she's the only member of my family that I resemble the most, mentally. No one cared much when she died, except for the relatives fighting over her money.
I'm so lonely but what else can I do? How do I make good friends? Or even find someone just as lonely as I am so we can be each other's company?
**TL;DR** I am lonely but become socially-exhausted easily, am very forgettable, and am tired of doing all the work in starting and maintaining friendships. Help.
| self.depression |
Urges to be reckless. Anyone else? Is it bipolar? Really just a rant cause I can't focus [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Employment outcomes? Just how disabling is this shit? Who has a *good* job? Can I just start a fucking career? I've been searching for work for awhile and it takes a shitty toll on me. This shit really is a disability. Every failed interview and every no-response quality cover letter sent out just exhausts the shit out of me.
I'm in a support group with 14 people and only one of them has a living wage day job. One other has a living wage job, but it's kind of gig-based. Finally, a third has been able to live independently by working long hours at two jobs, who I might describe as underemployed. That's 80% of us that aren't able to be financially self sufficient.
How typical is financial dependence for us? Is pursuing a career for myself a pipe dream? Should I just give up hope? Can I beat this disability?
Edit: To clarify, by good job I mean one you enjoy and can achieve financial independence through. Hopefully also cover your medical costs. | self.bipolar |
How do you stay engaged at work? I'm an instructional assistant in a high school special Ed class. I've been there for almost two years (longest I've held down a job) and I love it. It gives me a lot of purpose and I feel like I'm actually contributing to society. Lately though I've kind of lost focus, not to the point where I'm not doing my job but I'm definitely not doing it as well as I could. I have seasonal affective disorder so I think that's contributing to this feeling and I don't really know how to combat it. | self.bipolar |
Does anyone else hate asking for help? I absolutely hate asking for help even though deep down I wish I could scream for it sometimes. This doesn't just relate to my depression either. I hate asking for help for normal things too, like my homework or asking a worker where I can find an item.
I think this stems from how whenever I open up to friends or anything like that, they never really help me. They all leave in the end. Every single one of them is the same. Whenever I find someone who I think understands and is a true friend, they end up leaving too. They're all the same in the end. They'll leave you once you become an inconvenience. Maybe it's because I burden them too much or because I'm boring. Either way, I despise asking for help now even when I need it. | self.depression |
Hey CVS you can stop texting me that you filled my script. I'm in my pajamas after work, no way in hell I'm going in that cold when I can wait til tomorrow or so. And watch that sass. | self.bipolar |
I hate being autistic I hate having autism. It's the worst disease any one could ever imagine. You have all the physical skills needed to be normal, but mentally you don't have the capability. Every day I carry a piece of rope with me,and twirl it in my hands.Why you might ask, it's because I legit can't think with out it. I've tried going without it before and it has never been successful. I can't really control my emotions, I have learned some coping skills but the reality is that when I get angry I forget all of them and either: A.) Text bombastic things to my therapist. B.) Throw a tantrum like I'm some fucking two year old, in which I usually break shit. I have no real social skills. Thanks to 10+ years of imitating what i see on TV. I can communicate at the level of a neurotypical. I know what facial expressions to make and know how to explain myself in a way that can be understood, but as far as making friendships, reading body language, making small talk etc. This is something I can't do and as a result I have no friends. The only "friends" i ever made were in college, i put them in quotation marks because we werent really friends. We were just drug buddies and i was so happy to be accepted by a group that i didnt even care when i flunked out with them. I also have no love life to speak of being a 22 year old kissless virgin. I have been hit on by a woman only ONE time in my life(it didn't go anywhere I didn't realize she was into me until after it happened), and I have only been on two dates. I have never had sex, the closest I got was when I was 17 and was going to meet a prostitute I met on Craigslist but I chickened out at the last minute. I was recently kicked out of a program that helped teach young autistic adults independent living skills. I couldn't control my emotionsand texted the wrong things to the wrong people too many times.
I have been through 4 different therapists, every stimulant and anti depressant medication combo under the sun,and it doesn't change the fact that I have to work harder than average at life to get just a below average life. I honestly want to kill myself, but I don't know how it would effect my younger brother, my younger sister, or my parents. I'm especially concerned with how it would effect my parents, because they have always tried their best to get me the help l need. That being said I still think about suicide alot, I feel it would be a good alternative to my life sometimes.
I fucking hate having autism. | self.offmychest |
I can't do it. I've been cutting since I was 9. I'm 18 now and I've been on the brink of suicide for months. My family hates it whenever I say anything, so I've stopped talking around them and now they think I hate them, which is true but telling them that would make it worse.
I lost the only person that ever made me not want to cut my self last July. I feel empty, alone, unloved.
I've written my suicide note over and over again, and it always stops me from taking my life. The note always makes me feel like I have people that would miss me, but I know that's not true.
I'm not leaving a note this time. I'm just gonna let myself go. I've had enough. | self.SuicideWatch |
Nothingness Only reason I haven't killed myself is because I don't want to put my family and friends through a similar situation of what I'm going through if that makes sense. I fantasize about doing it one day. | self.SuicideWatch |
Feeling like i'm on auto-pilot Hey everyone, lately I've been feeling as if I'm on auto-pilot. I'm physically at places doing things like school or eating with my family, but i feel somehow detached from everything.
I don't know how to explain it well. It's almost as if I'm in a shell or a vehicle just going through he motions. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at myself in the third person.
I get mood swings pretty easily, and sometimes i wanna blow up in anger at someone but in the end i go into emotional shut down. It also feels like that, but for the whole day.
Anyone else experience something similar? | self.depression |
Short rant about irrationality... Hello I won't make this long, I've just been called irrational all my life because I react to things my twin sister does without any regard for her or anyone else.
She just does whatever she wants and acts like it's not unnormal. For instance she isn't capable of finding the linen closet in our apartment (we have to live together in our college town) and not being able to recall the simplest things like what's going on at home (while she was having a gap year and also otherwise, at this time) or something very specific like the latest one: forgot that our big sister, her and I (sry grammar bleh) we're splitting a gift our big sister had bought, and started looking for one herself like a bafoon.
This has been going on for a long time, and Everytime she can't somehow see my side (usually the rational side), the fight ends by her yelling at me for losing my patience or her calling our parents who then tell at ME and treathen me to have to go home and back to uni every single day because I'm the only problem!!!?
This kind of thing still bothers me and makes any relationship I have with my family more difficult and also makes me question everything and just makes me feel like anything I do is wrong and that I should be more passive... But I know sometimes I need to be assertive??
Advice and or support would be kindly appreciated. | self.Anxiety |
Does anyone else feel like a they suck the life out of other people Sometimes it feels like I'm just a black hole of energy. Like I'm just parasitically living off of other people's joy. Someone will be happy and full of energy when we first start interacting and by the end they seem just as dull and empty as I feel. | self.depression |
Bipolar disorder = manipulative??? Hey. I hope you guys are doing okay.
I work in a medical setting. Sometimes patients come across as attention seeking or manipulative. In my experience, when a “difficult” patient turns out to have a past bipolar diagnosis, the doctor thinks “problem solved” and blames whatever they find problematic about that patient on their bipolar disorder. I’m not an MD and I do not have training in mental health. But I think my own knowledge of bipolar disorder counts for something. Bipolar … doesn’t automatically make someone manipulative? It doesn’t automatically make them a drug seeker? It doesn’t automatically make them uncooperative with invasive medical investigations and treatments? Some of these behaviors could be due to their underlying medical problems, or different mental health problems, or just the fact that they don’t like people touching them. It makes me sad to see the docs I work with holding this view of bipolar disorder.
Not sure what I’m trying to accomplish with this rant. Could someone clarify for me why doctors might associate bipolar with manipulative behavior? Or has anyone encountered this kind of attitude before? I’ve posted about similar stuff before and it’s upsetting me pretty badly again. | self.bipolar |
Advice on Klonopin? I have some severe symptoms of what my doc thinks is anxiety. She prescribed a limited amount of klonopin to take as needed.
I've been able to go without for awhile but went through hell last night. My whole body was jittery and I barely got any sleep. Now I'm at the office still restless as hell, thinking about taking a dose.
Question: Should I expect everything to come back full force the moment the effects fade? Has anyone taken it for a few days to get through bad anxiety and felt fine for a long while after? | self.Anxiety |
I was a crazy mistake Life's been flushed like shit down the toilet. It's crazy how fast it happens. My few friends want nothing to do with me. I was laughed at for being a "crazy motherfucker" for trying to reach out to them. I came out to one of them I was molested when I was 11 by my brother and then they wanted nothing to do with me. The person that used to stare into my eyes and tell me I was the only one they loved is somewhere in another state far away, with a new phone and life. Maybe i'm just destined not to know what it means to love and be loved. Maybe i'm just a terrible person that deserves all they can get.
Now I'm in the company of a new dependable set of friends, cheapass vodka, and best friend oxy. True friends to the end
| self.SuicideWatch |
Need advice for supporting severely depressed friend His words.
I’ve learned so much about depression here, to the point where now I am very concerned about the man I love who is several states away from me.
He’s been through a devastating divorce and the shit keeps piling up. We are both in our 40s, and have become very close following divorces from long term marriages. He has a history of depression, is a long term recovered alcoholic, and a wonderful, giving person who has had a shit life. After some recent events, he has spiraled into an episode of depression which he called severe and rated it an 11 in a scale of one to ten.
He is not one to dramatize, and hates sympathy or coddling. However he has been somewhat open with me, given those two descriptions, and has told me he will not hurt himself.
My question is, how can I support him from far. Was just there a few weeks ago to visit, and he seemed ok, but in retrospect I noticed weight loss, and lack of self care. Minimal, suspect he’s been spiraling down longer than I realized.
I’ve texted him daily, as is our usual, just offering support, have not pressured him to talk, and he responds to my texts but minimally. I don’t want to annoy him, but don’t want to ignore either. It’s a difficult balance. I’m just not sure what the right thing to do is, and I am seriously concerned, after reading much on the subject of severe depression.
Whatever you wonderful people can tell me I’ll appreciate. I understand it is a delicate matter.
Thank you, and I wish all of you better days ahead from this disease. | self.depression |
I love and hate my job I deliver packages for UPS. I work long hours and mostly end my days long after dark too sore and exhausted to do much. I've done a lot in my life, I'm smart have a college degree, I'm a vet I could probably go and get a job anywhere. I've thought about quitting. My friends are always asking me to go to a movie or to dinner but I can't commit because I don't know when I'll be off. But. My first year delivering there was a misload. A little white insulated container. It was supposed to go miles away from my area. It was Friday night after 9 and no one would have said anything if I brought it back to deliver next week. For some reason I ran it. As I pulled up to the house an old lady, thin and frail, stepped out to see who stopped in front of her house. She started crying when she saw me. It was her husband's medication, he was dying and in a lot of pain. They were waiting all day. She hugged me and thanked me and all I could think was I was *this* close to going home instead. I like that feeling though. I like getting people their packages. Medicine, Amazon, Omaha steaks whatever. I love my job. | self.offmychest |
They just let me know that you were gone So young and fighting a battle that can't be won.
I said my goodbyes to you a while back.
But I always thought that I'd see you again... | self.offmychest |
Anxiety around people who like me So, I think I got over my crippling social anxiety a while ago; I can talk to basically anybody now.
I strike up random conversations with people when I notice them working on the same
stuff in the college cafeteria and feel no anxiety while doing so.
It used to be way worse, having incredible anxiety when talking to ANYBODY, even making appointments for a haircut on the telephone gave me this horrible feeling in the stomach.
One could say I'm free of social anxiety.
If it weren't for this one circumstance.
As soon as anybody from the opposite sex shows romantic interest, it all comes back for no reason.
For example, there is this one person in my language course at university, and she shows clear, 100% signs that she is interested in me.
For some reason, every time she talks to me my anxiety suddenly comes back, and I honestly can't tell why. I'm not into her, I'm not trying to impress her, I'd just like regular conversations, but for some reason every time I talk with her, my eye contact is worse than normal, and I tend to speak less.
What can I do about this? I tried pinning down where these feelings come from, but I can't tell. | self.Anxiety |
I really just want a cat or a dog or a small animal to pet I live in a university apartment and can barely take care of myself let alone take care of a pet. I’ve been so stressed with finals and all this school work and stuff due. Pets really help when you’re stressed. Ugh I can’t wait for winter break. | self.Anxiety |
I wish I didn't feel so selfish The last time I saw you, you seemed so happy without me in your life anymore. I wish I could tell you that I miss you. I wish I could tell you that I still love you. All the parties and people don't help. The last time I saw you, you told me to fill the spaces with other people and I can't. It's impossible. You made a space in my heart that only fits you.
These people and these parties just remind me of all the times we were together with them. Their smiles remind me that you were next to me and god I thought it'd be easier by the day but it's only getting harder. I wish you just told me that you didn't love me anymore but you fucking didn't. You told me that you still did and that's what hurts the most. I wish our ultimatums weren't really final and we were just saying them to say them. I want to see you smile and make you laugh and take your scarred, pretty little hands.
I'm trying for you. I really am. It's too hard.
You were so beautiful, and all I have is the photo I keep in my handbook. | self.offmychest |
How to cope with the fact that nobody really cares when you're gone, especially at college? One girl posted about how she could literally be dead in her dorm room for days and nobody would notice. If I didn't have roommates, I feel like this would probably be true for me as well. I'm not antisocial either... I have some friends. Just not ones that really seem to care too much, frankly.
I've been at a psychiatric ward for 12 days and nobody seems to really give a shit.
I don't really expect them to either, frankly. They have their own problems and their lives don't revolve around me.
Just not sure what mentality I should have or how to cope with this fact because it feels fucking awful. | self.depression |
Can't even go on pinterest anymore Without seeing all these stupid ass Harley Quinn memes talking about being bipolar. The one today said, "I'm not bipolar, I'm multipolar. That means I cry and laugh while I beat the shit out of you."
That annoys me, but the best one is a pic of her and the Joker, and it says, "He doesn't question my craziness, he loves me because of it."
Did they watch the movie or read the comics? Of course he doesn't question it, he freaking created it.
Why do people romanticize that shit? Also, bipolar is not romantic. Like in the least. At best, it's erotic. At worst, it ruins your life. Man. I got off Facebook for stuff like this. I can't leave pinterest! All my recipes! Just a rant, I don't get the obsession. | self.bipolar |
Venting. Not even sure if this belongs here or not.
Sitting down to my textbook to read the two chapters that are due is, as usual, unproductive. My eyes glaze over the words and I'm unable to register much information. I zone out in class, constantly. I'm pretty sure I will fail out of school. I've been back and forth with doctors for years,due to see a new one this weekend. My therapist, also new, is for some reason confused to say I dissociate from everything and can't focus. I really wish they could experience what I feel when I try to follow a program,read these 1,000 page textbooks, or sometimes even follow a conversation. It almost seems to me like they think I'm making everything up. I feel like every time I reach out for help, it's fruitless. I give up. I really feel like staying home from this exam I'll surely fail. | self.Anxiety |
I’m Bipolar, But I’m Not… Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a mental disorder that causes extreme mood swings, characterised by severe depression and mania. People with bipolar disorder experience periods of unusually intense emotion, changes in sleep patterns and activity levels, and unusual behaviors. Globally , by 2020, mental health and substance use disorders will be a greater cause of disability than all physical diseases.
http://www.artificialbrain.xyz/im-bipolar-but-im-not/ | self.bipolar |
A man in the bathroom This is a bit long, but please read through if you don’t mind.
I live in Vancouver, last night I had a person speak to me inside one of the community centre bathrooms, now the idea of suicide can’t be shaken off my mind because of how real this man was when sharing a bit of his life to me.
Basically I just finished gymming, head out to do my usual, go to the bathroom, change, and dip, but when I went inside, there was a man, white greasy shirt, greasy hair, skinny, slouched, baggy jeans, and one distinguishable look that was obvious as to the life he was living: track marks (tiny red holes from excessive drug use through injection) plastered all over his face and some on his forearms, and missing teeth. This dude all around appeared sketchy as hell and I just wanted to get out of there cause it was 11:30pm and I was the only one in there with him. But then he asks me how I’m doing, so I just try my best to be polite and say I’m good, then ask him how he is.
“Just surviving”
He obviously meant what he said, but I didn’t care to stick around near him cause I had no idea who he was and he looked like bad news, but I guess I was about to find out who he was, even if I never asked.
Without me saying more he asks me along the lines of “You ever know how it feels to have no will to live, to not want to wake up?” I don’t say anything but keep my ears open as I wash my hands. He then proceeds to talk more. “Being homeless on the streets and losing all hope in humanity?” I felt like I heard this all the time from people who wanted to raise awareness on social media but never from a person so physical, so present right in front of me. This conversation was so unwarranted, but I kept listening. “Do you know how it feels to lose everything and not just the small shit, yknow what i’m saying man? Everything. Home, money, job, car, relationships?” “Can you imagine how that feels man? To hate being in your own skin?”
I didn’t really want to seem like I was being a POS by seemingly ignoring him, so I halfheartedly responded: “no, but it’s all about getting back up and waking up to keep going”. Probably not the best answer, but I wanted to say something just to break the awkward situation.
Then he asks me un-rhetorically if I could see myself waking up with nothing but a drug addiction and a government check to my name, so I provide him a slightly better answer: “It’s something I’m afraid of happening to me if anything goes wrong”.
Then he asks for my age, so I tell him I’m 20 and he gives me sort of the lecture you’d hear from your dad as a teenager about never giving in to peer pressure and saying no to the guy who says one line wouldn’t hurt, but it felt different with this guy, as I sensed the compassion and genuine warning from this man who very much would not wish upon anyone else to experience whatever hellhole he’s walked through. He kept putting emphasis on not to do it, making sure I heard him loud and clear.
I forget, but he proceeds to sort of explain his life to me. From what he mentioned, he’s currently 36, has been homeless since he was 29, has been addicted to smoking crack and visibly using heroin, and only started using methadone recently to counter the withdrawal of heroin, which has only made his addiction a lot worse. Straight out of high school when he skipped classes and tried fuck all to learn anything, he saw himself wanting to become a drug dealer. “That’s what I wanted, to become a drug dealer”. But along the way, he developed and ego and saw himself as a kingpin, a hot shot kid who didn’t need to have respect or dignity for anybody, therefore treated strangers on the street like shit, his friends like shit, and his parents like shit, notably by stealing money from them for drugs. But somewhere there he got kicked out by his family, his drug habit from being a user while dealing got to him, and not a penny or relationship was saved so he was reduced to only knowing to repeat the same mistakes over and over again knowing more than ever each time that what he was doing was wasting away his life. All of a sudden he didn’t want to live anymore, had nothing, “hated being in his own skin, wanting to rip himself out of it and die somewhere in peace”. Now it occurred to me throughout this whole time, he didn’t even ask me for change or try to steal a single dime from me, so I knew at this point he just wanted someone to talk to and express anything he’s bottled up over the years. He then let me know that he wanted to break out of this cycle by hopefully cashing in his government cheque to get properly rehabilitated and knew it was his last chance to get his life back together. He was really talking to me. He really trusted me with his time, his words and his pain. But I guess when you lose everybody, a stranger wouldn’t be much. He was really speaking to me though. He wasn’t bullshitting, nor had a reason to. He really just wanted someone to listen, and it was me tonight. He then thanked me and shook my hand, introducing himself as Tim.
I didn’t really have anything to say after leaning against a wall the whole time making eye contact with this man and sensing his pain so much in his eyes that I wanted to tear up in front of this man I didn’t even know but felt as if I did. The one sentence I remember most from him was: “i’ve cried so much where my tears feel so heavy with the emotions i’ve carried in them”. He stared me dead in the eyes, leaning forward when he said it to me too. FUCK. It was brutal to hear for some reason from how he said it, the way his body language was, his voice, everything in that setting, all in a damn bathroom.
Anyways, I didn’t have much to say for a guy who was propping himself up against a baby changing station for 15 minutes, but after shaking his hand, I was genuine with wishing him the best of luck and to keep fighting, to take care as I walked back out the bathroom door, but looking back at it, I felt like I could have done more, could have said more, perhaps could have contributed by inviting him to my church or even at least finding out where he hangs around so I could catch up with him and keep track of how he’s doing. I don’t feel like I deserve to be suicidal and depressed after hearing how he’s lived and is still able to stand and speak to a well dressed man without being ashamed. If I was in his shoes, i’d never show my face and would have ended my life long ago. My struggles and endeavours feel like a fling in comparison to what little life he has to cling on to, and most important of all, it was real. This man was real. I didn’t dream of it. I never expected to resonate so much with a person who has been stuck in such a dark slump despite never being remotely close to it myself. But I can’t stop thinking about this man, it hurts to know that he’s hurting, that I couldn’t help him.. but one thing I did realize is that I made the right choice by lending an ear for him to talk to without being shooed away or ignored.
But...do I have a right to be depressed? Did I have a right to think about taking my own life with what petty issues I’ve encountered?
I’m sure there’s so much more I could have heard from you if I found out your whereabouts or if there was any way I could have helped you, but for the meantime, I hope you get your life back together, Tim.
| self.SuicideWatch |
It never gets any better I never liked elementary school
I never liked middle school
I never liked high school
I sorta liked the military, but always wanted to leave
College was better, but not great
My first job sucked most of the time
Moving across the country (for the 3rd time) still sucks
My next job, where I doubled my salary is awful too
I'm also very unattractive, I've had girlfriends before, but it's honestly pretty exhausting because I know I'm unattractive so I wonder why they stay with me.
I've basically abandoned most of my friends because I moved away from them, and also I don't understand why they would want to hang out with me.
There is no hobby or anything I enjoy. Even if I did I don't know when I'd be able to get good at anything, I'm away from the house like 10-12 hours a day for work.
I somehow miss the past even though it sucked too, I just see things getting worse.
I'll spend this Christmas with the family, but I'm out after the new years.
Thanks for listening. I wish I could've made my life better, I know I tried. | self.SuicideWatch |
Alone on a Friday night... Again... Here I am, lying down on my computer, on a Friday night. Alone again. As always. I don't know why, but as soon as High School started, I lost almost all of my friends, and I only have two now and they're only there out of necessity. As if we need each other because we have nobody else. I'm absolutely sure that if they could choose anyone else they could, because whenever they get a chance to they do. Even when they do decide to hang out with me, we simply sit around and play video games and do absolutely nothing. I miss when I could go do things with a large group of friends, but now everybody I used to hang out with don't even notice me anymore. Not that it would matter, because even if I do out of some miracle get invited to something, I'm more than likely to reject, because nothing is fun anymore. I just wish I had someone who would actually care. I am so tired of life. I can't do it anymore. Nothing I do helps anyone, including myself. I'm simply a drain on my parent's resources, and a drain on other's happiness. | self.depression |
Reasons What people didn't warn me is that one day I would look for cause. Reasons I deserved to be treated so dismally by my ex. Reasons I was so unlovable that I had to be controlled. Reasons of why I didn't see he was a sociopath.
He was very good at making me feel as though I was not good enough. I was not pretty enough. I was not clever enough. I was never enough. For 7 years there would be moments of me being enough. The birth of our first, then second son. I was enough then. He loved me then. He even appeared to have some semblance of respect the day I told him to leave. By then he had found a replacement. Someone who was more and better than me.
4 years ago this was. He saw our children for 2. And now nothing. And he is a sociopath. And I spent 7 of my formative years believing I was loved. When in fact he feels nothing. I was just a mask he wore to add to the impression of normality.
By doing so he made my life a sham. Surely there must be a reason? I think I could cope better with a point of me deserving this. But even he has claimed I never did.
I do not know how to process this. I do not know how to cope. I get up each day and do what is necessary. I care for my kids. I work. I cook. I laugh. I seem fine if you don't know me well. But those that do see me struggling. I fear I am becoming more like the mask he turned me into. And less the person I thought I was. | self.offmychest |
I’m such a fucking loser I stay at home and play video games all day yet I complain I don’t have any friends. People are out there making memories and living their lives and I can’t even step foot outside of my door. I wish there was a way to get me out of the house more. | self.depression |
Health Anxiety? Do I have MS? I am brand new to Reddit so I'm not sure if I'm breaking any rules by posting here but I think I need some help, I'll keep it relatively short.
Before we start: I have pre existing bilateral tinnitus and used to crack my neck for a year.
About a month ago when I was on Holiday in the great Australia, I cracked my neck and started feeling very dizzy, I panicked like sh*t and booked it to my Mums room where I started freaking out thinking I was going to die (spoiler: I didn't) I managed to get to sleep after a while and It went away when I woke up.
When I got home, I was getting freaked out about what could have happened and whether something else will happen. Later that night I had an anxiety attack and suddenly there was a higher level of tinnitus in my left ear accompanied by pressure. Went out to the GP and turned out I have fluid behind my eardrum (maybe from flight?)
Another week passed and I was chilling in bed when suddenly I couldn't breath deeply, my chest felt restricted and I ended up yawning about 3 times a minute for a few days. Went to the GP again and tests came back normal, just a slightly overactive thyroid (or was it¿) Recently however, which is the point I'm making this post, I've started getting slight tremors in my hands during normal activity (not at rest so I know it isn't parkinsons), and most predominantly, slight pins and needles in my right limbs whenever I lay down accompanied with a bit of weakness too. And my mind feels blurry as hell, I keep forgetting short term things like an idea, or where I left something.
I have no f*cking idea what is going on, all signs point to early MS (worst case scenario i know) and I seriously couldn't live being paralysed (a symptom of severe MS) Maybe my anxiety is causing this? I don't know, but any sort of insight or second opinion into my paragraph of context would be absolutely amazing.
Many thanks - Max
PS. Eyes are another thing, I keep getting visual interference, very odd but it's like 'visual snow'. | self.Anxiety |
I need to fix my thoughts up, this is about me and i need some help. I want someone to tell me what to do a little bit, as im a bit lost. Please hear me out. First of all, I'm actually doing great oddly enough. Made progress in my social aspects of my world regardless of this depression crap. Made a new friend, talked to them for a few months, went and hung out with them a few times, and even just yesterday i asked them if they wanted to be in a relationship. (The answer wasn't no, it was a "not right now, I've been going through stuff" sort of thing where they need some time, which is fair. We still have things planned, so all is going well there logically speaking. Also i'd be fine with being friends, see the attention thing later in the post, that's my hunch).
But the main issue i have is with me. Just me, i cant blame anyone else for this. This is just me and i hate it.
I'm really really fucking obsessive. When it comes to friends if they're anything other than super close i usually don't even give them the thought of day. But if they're super close, best friend level, I worry and overthink shit all the time.
With my close friend i always get super pissy for no fucking logical reason every single time i see them online without inviting me to do something. They invite me a lot, but for some reason i get beyond annoyed at them and feel like they dont even see me as a friend when they dont ask about anything or talk to me. Logically i know that people arent like that, people dont want to talk to the same person all the time, yada yada. But i know this, yet i still constantly think shitty thoughts. I just want this to change. I want to stop feeling bad about nothing.
And with the person i asked out we talk a fair bit, but for some reason today when i sent a few messages and didnt get a response i have felt shitty and worried ever since, hence me writing this post. Most likely thing is they just werent in the mood to talk. But for some reason i keep thinking over and over "i lost a friend" or "what did i do?" and i dont know why. I want to fix this. This isnt shit i should be thinking constantly.
I feel like whenever i see that im not being given attention i just panic and fucking break down. i obsess and cant stop thinking about it. Usually the thought passes by the next day, but during the entire day, nothing. All of today ive been laying in bed doing nothing. Watching youtube maybe. But for the last 9 hours ive been wanting to get up and draw, play a game, do something. But i couldnt, i just couldnt and i really wanted to.
But ive been like that for a while. My motivations been at a record low. Most days i spend from midnight to 1pm sleeping, waking up and watching youtube til about 5, waiting for tea, then trying to kill time while avoiding doing anything i find meaningful. The only time i even play games is when im invited. I rarely even play video games on my own accord anymore.
Some more misc things.
18. play the piano (waiting on it to be tuned withing the net few weeks), family of 10, Australia, just failed year 12 by 1 class of points after passing 0 classes this year, never been in an intimate relationship, never tried medication, nor do i wish too, though i may for the sake of those around me at this point (mainly the person who is special to me right now) and am currently, but apprehensively, speaking to a psychologist. First proper session i believe is this Tuesday
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Now the biggest thing i want to ask, is how can i change this. I will try hard to take in all suggestions. I will respond to as much as i can for as long as i stay awake. If you want to ask anything feel free to ask. If you have any ideas, i beg you, please tell me some. I really want some help right now.
And because its a long because its a long post, here is fluffy exotic kitty https://gfycat.com/GorgeousMagnificentAlaskanmalamute | self.depression |
Need to vent on government and politics
Regardless of what political party you affiliate yourself with, they all suck. Nothing is being done for you, your family, or society as a whole. The idea is to keep you dumb. If you think every media outlet other than the ones endorsed by your candidate are "fake" (so far as not believing statistical FACTS from non affiliated sources) and that they are actually completely organized by an ex president and his former cabinet to bring down a current president or politicians, you are an idiot. Point blank. That goes out to both sides. You think any of these people past or present actually care about you, the working poor, the middles and lowers? Absolutely not. Our politicians are bought, no matter how many times they attempt to tell you they are not. There are so many things you would see if you stopped being spoon fed what you want to hear and opened your damn eyes. These people do not represent you. The atrocities still being committed by all parties. The lies, the collusions, the cover ups...they are happening in order to push certain agendas and they are happening right in your face. They think you are dumb because you play right into their hand. Wake. The. Fuck. Up. | self.offmychest |
Question on feeling when mind feels to work at 50% Hi everybody, I’ve a question for those who may have experience with various anti-depressants and/or supplements, which is probably 99% of readers here. In the next paragraph I’ll briefly describe what I take and how meds make me feel for background info. If you want to skip straight to the question, go to the third paragraph.
I’ve been taking Bupropion xl 300mg, and Viibryd 20mg. Never had issues with Bupropion except that the very pronounced positive effects it has stopped after about a week after beginning to game it. In my case I had take it in the past but for less than a year. This happened each time after start of the prescription. Viibryd doesn’t have stimulating effects I could feel but it definitely does not have the sedating effects of SSRIs. I am talking about how when they begin working they do take away intense worrying and depression but also , at least in my case, they reduce motivation to do random things that may be called fun optional activities like going outside or playing video games. That in addition to increased sweating is why I choose to not take standard SSRIs and instead asked something without demotivating effects. Viibryd really does seem to not have any side effects, but it’s intended effect is weak so far as well.
The question is about a problem I’ve felt for a week now. I didn’t stop or reduce meds I am taking, but my mind feels as if the motivation to do things I cognitively understand I should be interested in is very weak or gone, and it causes me to have a sensation that some areas of my brain may be working at less than 50% capacity. I cannot say I feel “dumb” as I am able to do all the Norma mental tasks, but the ability to focus on them and actively think and analyze goes away when random or tangential thoughts take over. I can even get some more concrete idea that the mind is not at full speed when I play some competitive board games either against the computer or against people online. I can see evaluations of each move and game outcomes. They’re displayed on a graph where I can see 2-3 years back of daily play, for example. Any idea what could be causing it, or how to shake it off? (I tried drinking more than usual amounts of coffee, and various brain supplements such as b-12, choline, green tea extract, b-3, b-6) | self.depression |
I'm alone I've got no one to talk to, genuinely no one in my real life that I could talk to right now, no one checks up on me anymore, no one is interested in who I am, what I'm doing, nothing. I know it doesn't matter and I feel shitty for even wanting attention but fuck this just sucks. | self.depression |
I'm scared. I am scared that one day, probably one day soon, it's going to get bad enough that I make an attempt. I know for a fact that if I reach that point, it's over. I have access to more than enough equipment that I cannot make an unsuccessful attempt.
I am scared of failure. I am in the final year of my phd. It is not going well enough. I am well aware that I have little else going for me and nothing else in my life.
I am scared for my family. My dad is quite ill and attempted suicide a couple of years back. I worry that if I kill myself, he will too. I don't want to do that to my mum.
I am scared of drugs. As I said, all I have is my PhD. I am scared that if I go to the doctor, they will give me medication that will affect my brain. I'm scared that I can't be both healthy and smart enough to do my job.
I don't really know what this post is for. I am well aware that I should seek help, and I am well aware that i will most likely continue to take the path of least resistance until it finally gets bad enough to be fatal. I just needed to say this to someone, and, sadly enough, this was the best I could manage.
If you read this far, thanks.
| self.SuicideWatch |
I've been adding things to my room and now i feel much calmer at home. I moved here with only just enough money to pay the rent and a couple of basic things and so I kept feeling uneasy with just the tan white walls and nothing to stimulate my brain and keep me from getting anxious/depressed/overly self-conscious. At first I started small with just this sort of rare che guevara poster I found at a store and then this cool weird rock lamp in my room. Then I hung up this different looking black and white blanket over a couple of windows. I don't know why, but having things in my room to familiarize and reflect on that I enjoy, really helps me feel at ease in my home. Maybe I'll get some cool non generic posters to hang up. Even if the style is too random or different, these are impressive things that I chose to bring home, treasure, and add to my personality which only strengthens my sense of purpose. Building on my space here seems to do wonders for my confidence levels outside of the room I'm renting. It sort of helps me see first hand that I do have a functioning confident identity and I'm not just a scared sad mess of a person.
I also recently had enough money to get a 40 inch hdtv with a soundbar system from craigslist, it was too cheap of a deal to pass up and then I started thinking how nice it would be to play some fun fantasy games or action movies in my room. This would require something like a small futon or a small 2seater couch though, and nice dark blue rugs to step on instead of just the bare wood floor, and maybe a small coffee table to lay useful things on like my phone, or a game controller, or a stack of books. Now I'm thinking about candles or incense or a cool tapestry. Now I'm thinking I could invite people here to kick it and mess around while watching movies or playing games. Now I'm thinking I could buy more books or magazines on economics and political theory to store around my room and keep me occupied.
Yeah, this may all sound pretty crazy but it makes me feel more successful and at ease when I enter into a decently furnished room and not just a closed empty space with a mattress. I don't have a lot of money but I might as well get comfortable while I'm experimenting, saving up, and trying to make more elsewhere. This definitely can't hurt either unless I turn into a crazy hoarder at some point but I doubt that. I know I still have ways to go with anxiety at work and with people and my personal goals, but something about making my house a sort of relaxing enjoyable space for me to self reflect and prepare really helps with creating confidence for those two things. Puts more meaning and purpose to my actions because now I have a small birds nest to look after and relax in and in turn, it helps support me in a strange way. It's sort of a similar feeling I had when briefly dating this girl, back then my room was terribly small and my life was a mess, but having something or someone outside of myself to focus on, really helped with defeating anxiety.
Anyway, I understand that I'm privileged enough to do this, with no real responsibilities outside of paying for my own living costs and working in the back of a restaurant, so maybe this could offer something to think about for people in a similar lonely or anxious/awkward position. If anxiety is an internal or external problem, then doing sturdy things like this in your life could help put your mind at ease either way but maybe this is all just my opinion. | self.Anxiety |
Haven’t eaten in a couple days; only slept for a few hours. Everything feels false. Life is too long. Made a throwaway to voice my feelings.
These small sentences in the title cloud my head. | self.offmychest |
Fuck everybody, live for yourself I've found out that this is the only way to be happy in life. Don't live for anybody else, don't depend on anybody else, just live for yourself, do what you want, and do it to better yourself. Fuck what anyone else says. | self.depression |
does your anxiety make you feel crazy Like replaying every social interaction you’ve ever had in your head, and wondering if you’re different from everybody else. Like you are destined to spend your life avoiding people and situations for fear of being too anxious. 😖😖 | self.Anxiety |
Does anybody else get anxious and/or hyper-aware whenever someone is mad at them? Whenever somebody is mad at me, even if I don’t know them, I get anxious and I become acutely aware of them and their actions. I think part of it is PTSD, because somewhere in my mind I’m convinced or nervous that they’re going to hit me.
Anybody else get like this or have advice? | self.Anxiety |
Can't stop having intrusive thoughts about spiders I want to preface this by saying I'm coming to you with what is objectively an incredibly silly problem--or at least a problem with somewhat avoidable catalysts. I'm sure there are people here who struggle with intrusive thoughts on a daily basis to a much greater degree than I do, with a wider, more unavoidable variety of triggers. I am in no way trying to de-legitimize or poke fun at anybody here, and I understand completely if people get upset with me for not having "real problems" or what have you. Trust me, I'm mad at me for this too.
I can't stop having intrusive thoughts about spiders, and I know it's a direct result of playing video games with spiders in them. Doesn't matter if they're cartoony spiders or photorealistic spiders at this point, although of course the latter is worse. I actually didn't used to have this problem despite having a normative degree of arachnophobia in real life. I used to be able to just brush them off with a reasonable level of disgust, but one day something in my brain just snapped and was like "wow these are super creepy and upsetting to look at actually" and I've been dealing with intrusive thoughts of them ever since. I think it has to do at least in part with the fact that spiders exist in real life, albeit thankfully in much smaller sizes than what you'd find in, say, Skyrim (the game that really kickstarted this whole mess, although I'd had some much milder precursory experiences while playing other games).
The obvious "answer" to this problem is to not play games with spiders in them, and of course I've stopped doing that, but it's not really a fix. I still get overwhelmed by these thoughts fairly often, especially while trying to sleep; this morning I woke up to a dream of trying to shield myself from enormous Skyrim-spiders crawling on my body (complete with realistic sense of weight, courtesy of my cat who was climbing on my body in reality. It was funny eventually). Sometimes during the day I’ll get them and visibly flinch/freeze up, especially if accompanied with some other stimuli (e.g. I have the thought + an unexpected noise happens / I become hyper-aware of something touching me, etc).
I've found that forcing myself to play through the anxiety actually tended to make things worse, but truth be told it’s been months since I’ve tried that. At this point I’ve built up such a fear AROUND the fear that even the thought of trying again works me up to the point of physically shaking. Of course I know it’s irrational. It’s a goddamn video game.
I see a therapist for unrelated reasons and I haven’t brought this up because I have plenty more pressing matters to attend to, and quite frankly, I don’t know what she would be able to do to help? It’s quite the nuisance but thankfully it’s not currently at a point of ruining my life, and pursuing legit exposure therapy (which I doubt I even have access to since I live in a really rural area) seems ironically over-the-top. I’m embarrassed enough that something so inconsequential has reached a threshold of needing to ask for help at all. I know everyone has intrusive thoughts from time to time, and I’ve dealt with my fair share, but for some reason I just can’t shake these (maybe because the intrusive thoughts I’m used to have more to do with urges rather than imagery?).
If anybody has any tips to help me overcome this, I would really appreciate it. I just wanna go back to having reasonable reactions to this shit. =/ | self.Anxiety |
Boyfriend neglects his animals My bf has two older large dogs. He never feeds them...i’ll Remind him several times throughout the day but I ALWAYS end up doing it. He also neglects buying them dog food once they run out for days...I have to make them a rice/chicken mix instead. It’s the same for taking them outside. He thinks they only need to go out once a day and for about two minutes to do their business. If I’m gone all day, he usually won’t take them out at all. I’m the only one who takes them out for walks. He never gives them baths, but let’s them in bed whenever they want. He tells me that I need to give them baths once a week and clean the sheets. He got me a cat for my birthday that had fleas (without actually talking with me about getting a cat beforehand), and it ended up giving the dogs fleas. I had to go buy medicated shampoo and flea collars for them, on top of all the supplies the cat needs. I’m very strapped for money and this cat still needs shots and to get fixed, which he is not going to take care of or even help with. These dogs prefer me to him (probably because I’m the only one who takes care of them) and they follow me EVERYWHERE. I can’t get a moment’s peace at the house because they are at my feet, constantly almost tripping me, at all times. They bark at every noise they hear outside in the most piercing, high pitch barks, constantly grovel for food, and constantly whine. The alpha of the two is 13 and had a stroke...she is not good at commands anymore and the other dog follows whatever she does, so I can’t get them to lay down and chill for any amount of time.
My bf thinks he is doing nothing wrong. I don’t like taking responsibility for his dogs, but I also don’t want them to suffer. I’m leaving him as soon as I find a new place to live and save up some money, but what do I do about the pet situation in the meantime? Should I leave or take the cat? | self.offmychest |
Please stop... you're making me cry Well, first I'd like to say hey and hope you're doing well.
I really wish people would stop trying to be with me. I just want to be left alone generally. I found as of late I've started to hate large groups and now just being with a person. I want to be in isolation. I don't like people seeing me when I'm down...
Yesterday I was feeling particularly shit for no reason and my friends begged me to come out. Later I just couldn't help myself. I just started crying. I really wish people would stop badgering me to come out when I just want solitude. | self.depression |
Lost my job today. I was there for 5 days. [deleted] | self.depression |
It’s 3 in the morning and I’m awake trying to unwind my web of lies [deleted] | self.depression |
don’t WANT to stick around i want to call my ex one last time and say “hey do you want to maybe try talking just one more time
and see if it works out and maybe we can pull my family back together” and if she says no then i’m just done for good | self.SuicideWatch |
I’m a parent, but I wish I could disappear [deleted] | self.depression |
I don't know whats wrong with me... I can not cry...I don't know why.. I haven't been able to cry for the past two years. I've watched many "sad" or "depressing" movies, listened to sad music, nothing. Nothing can make me cry. I know when something sad is happening that I should be crying but I can't and it just does not make sense to me. I want to cry, but I can't. Is this happening to anyone else? | self.depression |
I forgot my wallet and a stranger paid for my groceries. I was in the checkout line with my 4 year old daughter and 1 year old son when I realized I didn’t have my wallet. Bill was $29.58 I think. I told the cashier I would be right back, others were in line so we’d just cancel the transaction and ring me up when I came back.
They didn’t accept Apple pay. I went to the car and found $30.
As I was going back with my kids, the check out girl walked up to me, handed me the groceries and said “the guy behind you in line paid, he said merry christmas”.
Tears almost came to my eyes after witnessing that act of kindness. I donate to charities regularly, I’ll be giving out more than that this year and keep that act in mind when I donate. | self.offmychest |
what should i do? hello, i’m an 18 year old college student with finals next week. for a few months now i’ve been contemplating my suicide, when to do it and where, most importantly how. i’ve got multiple drafts of letters lined up, i decided i want to overdose on acetaminophen after noting drowning or slitting my wrists might be too painful (as i want to avoid pain) and can be interrupted. i’ve also determined that i would like to road trip by myself to a beach and watch the ocean with the moon and stars above me, a beautiful scene to behold before i die. i’ve also never done that before, see the beach at night. haven’t seen a beach in person in a few years now, like six. i was planning on taking my life June of 2018, gives the weather time to heat up i could turn nineteen and i could change my mind...
but right now i don’t want to wait. and i hate that because i really love sticking to plans. ive told my mother and sister about my cuts and they don’t seem to care in the way i thought they would. they don’t bother to hide knives and they give me razors willingly as if they want me to bleed. i told my mother i think i have depression i hate school i have been so tired sleeping through classes and not doing work though she thinks i’m selfish. my sister and i are flat broke and honestly our family can only afford to send one of us to grad school in 2019 and it should be her. i think she deserves it more, plus she knows of my plan and doesn’t seem bothered at all. i don’t think she believes me. there are moments where i am happy but it’s almost always for someone else and i just don’t think i can do it anymore. it’s clear to me that no one takes me seriously and there’s no room for me anywhere. everyone can go on with their lives, no ones counting on me waking up. my best friend in the whole world has stopped talking to me because i thought he liked me that we were going to be something more and i ruined everything. he was the one person who i could call when i felt like this, but now we don’t talk and he’s got a girlfriend and his birthday is in a couple weeks, just before mine. i don’t want to ruin anything else.
i am afraid of what i might do to myself when left alone. i have to distribute letters, let my english teacher know her class was the only thing i looked forward to and now it’s ending, i have to get the drugs and plan my trip, and lastly i have to complete final exams and projects. i’m working with people and i don’t want to let them down, or have them think i don’t care about their grades, they shouldn’t suffer because of me. i’ve considered trying to go to a facility but i would still be leaving before i could contribute. and i don’t know what my family would say. i also don’t have insurance, so that’s an issue too.
i guess i’m wondering if i should move up my plans though the thought irks me, or should i hold on and call my ex best friend? if i should what do i even say? sorry for romanticizing your kindness but i want to die and you should know i love you? seems like a lot to throw on someone’s plate. i didn’t mean for this to be long. i just have no one to talk to and i’m suffocating | self.SuicideWatch |
I missed my friend's birthday party. They wanted me to go. A part of me wanted to go. But I knew I would just bring everyone down. They don't want that. They just want to have a good time. Who am I to ruin their mood? I just feel so alone...
They ask "What's wrong?" and "Are you okay?". But they don't want the answer. They don't want to hear, "Oh yeah, I've just been thinking a lot about ending my life because this loneliness and emptiness is crushing me so intensely that I can barely breathe sometimes." They don't want to hear about how my "smoke breaks" are actually "cry breaks". They don't want that drama and responsibility on them. And I don't want to bring them down like that either.
Nothing feels fun. Nothing feels real. Everything is gray and fuzzy. I can't bear this much longer. I just want to be held. | self.depression |
fuck 2017 What a god-damned shitpile of a year. Fuck clean coal, fuck the FCC, fuck Mitch McTurtleface, fuck Trump and fuck the single-celled dipshits who voted for this monstrosity, honestly fuck the system, fuck not having universal healthcare, fuck not having decent public transportation, fuck supply-side economics, fuck the education system that has bred these godforsaken idiots. And fuck identity politics, fuck saying reverse racism doesn't exist, fuck the Democrats for utterly neglecting the single-celled dipshits who took their votes elsewhere, fuck HRC, fuck the liberals for not playing the fucking game. Fuck being stuck in the 80s while the rest of the world moves on. It's embarrassing and I expect more from the fucking USA. Come on 2018, let's fix this shit. | self.offmychest |
I can't do it anymore I've struggled with anxiety problems for a long, long time. I worry about just about everything, and I'm a pretty textbook case of severe anxiety problems.
I'm not sure if this is the exact right place for this, since I don't really want to die in a real, suicidal sense, I just don't want to be in this pain anymore and I'm afraid of what I would do to stop it. Like I'd rather not die but I feel like there's no way out of this, if that makes sense.
Lately, over the past few months, life has gotten more and more difficult and unpleasant and bad things keep on happening to me like a snowball rolling down a snow-covered mountain. My chronic health issues have been absolute crap to deal with, I've been busy with work and while I never liked it, it never gets easier, I haven't had time to hang out with any of my friends in months, my family is losing patience with me, I have no time to see my therapist, and it seems like every day I just get more bad news.
It's hard to get out of bed lately and lately I don't want to because I feel like nothing good could possibly happen. Nothing good has happened to me in months and I can't stand it anymore. Every day has been miserable and I just desperately wish something good would happen to me, but life keeps on throwing curveballs my way.
I've been terrified about getting sick and losing my job because of it because I have yet to find something else, and if I lose my job, my parents will be angry, but I can't keep on like this. And it seems like every day, there's more news stories about the flu getting worse, it's only been a few months, but it feels like it's been forever. When the hell is this damn winter going to end?
Every single time I manage to calm down a bit or talk myself down from the brink, something else bad happens. This has been an unbreaking cycle for months now and I'm terrified of everything now and tired of dealing with it. I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time. My anxiety is now so bad that I get multiple panic attacks every day, sometimes upwards of 5 or 10, and I always have some physical remnant of them hanging onto me now so I'm never comfortable.
The last few days I've been panicking every waking second and my mind is in full alarm mode and I can't seem to turn it off. And unlike before, nothing seems to help and I feel like I'm too far gone to even guess what to try next. I desperately wish I had some kind of medication I could take to immediately stop this, but I have no way to obtain such medication because I don't have my own car and it would be too far to walk to the ER.
I've tried telling my family how bad I feel, but it's hard to explain properly and they just get more and more mad at me and they don't want to listen to me anymore. I don't feel safe doing anything right now and I have no idea what to do. If I were feeling more stable, I could probably figure this out, but my mind is being really weird right now and I can't think straight. I don't feel like myself at all and it scares me. | self.SuicideWatch |
how do you deal with having literally no one care about you or your wellbeing? I'm not talking about "you're supposed to care about yourself etc etc!" well obviously. But it's so difficult when you're unable to make lasting relationships with others despite your best efforts... and it's even more difficult to emotionally handle when you know that your own parents don't really care about you (and never did), and that your extended family is pretty much nonexistent. ): | self.offmychest |
Im so bitter and judgemental I have a problem with being bitter. People aggravate me to no end and it affects my mood and the smallest things piss me off way more than they should. I wish it didnt get to me so much. From facial expressions people make to not uaing their turn signals or doing things in ways differently than I do. I try to mind my own business and not let it bother me but it doesnt work and keeps happening.
Has anyone experienced anything like this? If so what have/do you do to help or cope with this? I am so bitter and judgemental instinctively and thats not in my character. | self.bipolar |
The most common prescribed SSRI for Social Anxiety? I was just curious, since I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist soon and I just wanted to get your guys thoughts? | self.Anxiety |
My stress I've been struggling recently with everything it seems. I've come to the realization I have no real friends and I doubt if it's even possible for me to have real friends. I'm on the borderline of depression because of this realization and I'm in the fence. I feel discontent in general more days than not. My grades are still excellent but I'm losing my drive and determination because of the amount of work put on to me. This is really worrying because I had nearly a week off of school but it didn't get any better. I've just been running out of fuel in general. I feel so demotivated. I've gotten worse grades than I want on numerous assignments and I don't know if there are real options to redo them or do makeup work like I normally would do. I feel so isolated during the day and I pay too much attention to it during class. I only listen to the album 17 by XXXTENTACION because I don't like others songs as much, but his music only makes me worse. However, it speaks to me and it's a bittersweet activity. My isolation is affecting my mom and she doesn't like it but it's the only time during the day I feel fine. I feel like my world is unraveling. What future is there for me? I'm not asking like there isn't any, I'm asking will it be a happier time for me? I get low key picked on and I've probably become more insecure and notice it more now. I have no clique, which I actually prefer, but school is such a social time (forced teamwork, group projects, even finding a lunch table) and I'm not a social person. I want to get lost in my fucking computer and never find my way out. I want to disappear into a realm of leisure and never return. The world is so fucked up and I'm fucked up because I can't form legitimate bonds with people and I keep telling myself that I'm edgy if I think that way but I honestly feel like shit. I push people away as soon as they get close. I don't love my parents. I have no friends. I hate those who have it better than me. I can only find relief in unproductive wasted time browsing the Internet and clinging to old YouTube channels I liked 3-4 years ago when I was happier. I just want to be happy and normal and accepted. Everyday is a burden because I always go out of my way to be social and talk to people but on the inside I'm always projecting they hate me and I'm sure some (although not to the hate extent) dislike me. All my classes are dull and it's even worse when you aren't even being yourself and the school system is no help because they always try to force cooperation which I can understand the value to, but I just don't like. We learn pointless things I've come to realize that won't help us unless we go into a field involving it. I fake who I am so much at school it feels unnatural to act how I am at home because I so deeply shun that kind of thought process as my "alter ego" or whatever. I want to have a good future and make enough to not worry about medical bills and I want to be able to go on vacations to different countries to see the world. I want to live in a decent place and be able to buy good food. I want to have free time and I want to have fun. It's so overwhelming because I don't know what job I even want and I don't want to end up like everyone else (especially my parents) who works 7-5 grind only getting weekends off. I want to be able to waste my time however I see fit. I'm so lost in changing who I am I don't truly know what I want or what I like or anything like that. I hate things because the crowd hates them and vise versa. I can't find a friend group because how I act. I act stupid because I want to make people laugh (approval probably) but people think I'm normal. I have some people who would probably accept me as my fake self but I'm also a judgmental prick and I don't like them or the way they act. I want to hang out with people of good character and morals who aren't basic and who want a good future like me but Im afraid they think I'm just a stupid person. Im lost. Im selfish because I know there is probably a group of people out there who would accept me but they aren't "cool" or whatever so I don't try and I fear they won't accept me and I cringe at them too and it's all a fucking mess. I can't talk to anyone on a real level because I don't think anyone is close enough to do that. I cant introduce myself to new people because I'm scared they'll reject me or won't like me. I want to be loved by someone who loves me for who I am. Truly who I am as a person and not faking it. I want to love someone back but I always push anyone who could be a friend or something away and I look for bad traits. My mind is corrupt and I corrupt everything I think about. I'm running out of time and I haven't accomplished anything besides A's in high school. I don't even know if it's worth trying to fix this or if I just wait for college. I don't want to end up like my brother who I cringe at (he's probably more social than me though). I'm lost. I want to be the real me whoever that is because the real me wouldn't always feel discontent and fake. Even sitting in class is uncomfortable because I don't know what to do or what to say or listen to music or anything. More and more people like me less because I've been trying to be more real which only makes everything harder because maybe my true self isn't compatible with anyone. I don't think I'm a bad person or mean. I definitely have bad traits like envy and judgment but I'm sure I could suppress those like I have been. All old friends are dating people and hanging out and I've don't nothing. I've done absolutely nothing in that department (which I think I give too much power to). I think I have some legitimacy in that though because I rarely have out with people outside of school (maybe 1-2 times a month). I just feel lost, incompatible, demotivated, and scared. I must press on and bounce back like I have done before but just like a basketball, each time I bounce it will only be a shorter time until I fall again. | self.offmychest |
I am desperate. I need this to be an accident. If my family ever knew the truth about my death, it would absolutely kill them, maybe even literally.
But I'm in so much pain that I can't continue.
No one ever talks to me, ever. I’m so lonely, and everyone in my small graduate program has their own social groups now and I’m not in one. and everyone goes out to eat and studies together and I just go home and cry.
I have no friends, my family lives 2,000 miles away, I could fall off the face of the earth and it wouldn’t matter all that much. I’m so fucking lonely and just want a way out that will make it seem like an accident | self.SuicideWatch |
Anyone else having their worst New Year's Eve? Let me get out of the way that I'm not terribly social and avoid the bar scene like the plague, so the fact that I'm not doing something extravagant isn't what's on my mind. Basically, I'm entirely alone this year. And I've had other NYEs alone, it's whatever. But to make things worse, I'm just about as depressed as ever in terms of not wanting to do anything, escape sleeping, thinking about death, etc. It would seem like the main trigger for me at this very moment is that I was just laid off from work, and I just feel lost. I don't know how I'm paying my bills, I won't be able to go to my doctors because there goes my health insurance (guess I could apply for Medicaid idk) and just that feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. You ever go somewhere where there's other people and you envy them because they're most likely not in the least bit concerned about if life's worth living? I feel like I don't belong anywhere and there's nowhere for me to disappear to. | self.depression |
Big Victory Sunday 12.31.17 It's the last day of 2017 and we have a whole year to reflect on and celebrate our successes from. What are you proud you did this year?
-------------------
I know I said I needed space, and I'm sorry for my shitty behavior and any drama I may have caused, but I realized I don't have enough alternative support places to make leaving work and I think the biggest issues weren't caused by being here so much as inconsiderate behavior from a friend who will hopefully continue doing better about it. | self.bipolar |
Does anyone else find the thought of death... relaxing? I dunno, it's probably me because I've given up on everything. | self.depression |
I listen to the songs from 5 years ago, and I am still stuck in that dark and sad place. When am I going to get better? I don't know if anyone here knows the Afghan whigs and mark lanegan, but their music really is on the dark side.
I used to listen to their sad songs about love 5 years ago, and I used to feel so lonely and cathartic and their songs really resonated with me. Sort of feeling the need to be with someone who loves me truly. Fast forward 5 years later, I am listening to their songs and I am re-experiencing the same dark feelings because guess what, I am still stuck in that dark cycle.
I am still depressed, things didn't get better according to what my friends/family tell me all the time.
I am still failing, and I am still feeling depressed and these songs really prove that I am still stuck in a rut.
Just thought I could share this with you guys. | self.depression |
I feel like im really worth nothing I mean there's 7 billion people in the world so why does it matter if I'm one of them.
I just want peace. I want to escape from my dark thoughts. I don't want to keep thinking the same fucking bullshit every night. I just want to have at least one close friend, but I can't have that. No matter what I do or what I try, it's like I don't belong in their circle of friends. I'm always trying to distract myself to not be depressed, but in the end when I'm in bed, it always comes back. | self.depression |
Im in the near end Hey guys, whats up.
I wanna share my story to everyone because I cant keep up this up to myself, hoping that somebody can give advice.
So yeah, I was once a happy, strong and confident as a child, born in the 90s. Half-taiwanese. Likes to play a lot of Zoids, learned to bike without a father's help (Parents got separated, Dad died. Rip) but anyways, I have my Mom who loved me and my siblings dearly. She met a guy who would soon be our step-dad. At the beginning, the guy was good to us, buys us toys, but he soon starts to be abusive. He would drag me out cause he didn't want me in the house. (Idk why he hated me, my mom told me it might be that I look like my real Dad and/or he dislikes Chinese despite being an asian himself) I literally went homeless when I was a 9-10 years old and my mom can't do anything about me because if he found out that shes been feeding me he'll stop giving needs for all if then. I never finished my education, I've been sleeping on the streets for about 9 years btw. I didn't lose hope and knowing that somedayI will get through. Fast-forward, Im finally home. My step dad went back to his country due to failing health. but the thing is, can't do shit. I didn't finish anything and I'm jobless. Im having suicide thoughts in an unserious way but I know its unhealthy and it might lead me to it. But i feel like its the dead end. | self.SuicideWatch |
Is this anxiety or just some form of emotional instability? [deleted] | self.Anxiety |
Hey Hello I’m 17 and for like the past 5 years or so I have been really depressed I have been in a mental hospital like 4 times in my life time for just suicide thoughts like bad ones I never attempted but I really want to I’m not gonna like at all just because I don’t see it getting any better like I don’t have much friends at all like tbh really none at all since I have been feeling depressed I have gained to much weight and I have no motivation to lose it and that’s making me feel bad about myself it’s made me feel like shy because I don’t want to be judged because of my weight I haven’t really been to school at all I just started independent studies so I don’t have to really worry about going to school anymore | self.SuicideWatch |
i am ready to see what is beyond this universe [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Hi guys Its me again:) thought I’d share a little something I've always felt lost and I don't know why, thinking if I jumped high enough I could fly. My soul wanders and I'm stuck here, in a limitless city and not enough fears.
| self.bipolar |
I just want to die The only reason I haven't commited suicide yet is that I have a crush,about 4 friends and summberbreak.
I go to 7th grade and I am turning 14 soon, I am a boy. I know that puberty plays a role here but I got depressed in 4th grade already since my parents were fighting every night and I cried all nights not because that I thought it was about me - I cried because they fought with eachother and it was so sad to hear. Their relationship is better now but my father is a complete asshole who just makes me wanna end it all every fucking week of my shitty life. He usually screams at me for stupid reasons like my cat has done something bad when I was at school, and my dad just screams at me for it and I dont remember last time when he spoke normal to me... he just fucking screams all time and it might seem not such a big thing but it is... when u are being screamed at every fucking day. My mom is a very nice mother she supports and helps me. I have about 5 actual friends who I can count on.. I am not being bullied or anything. THE WORST PART IS that I don't even know whats making me so sad everyday I think its just all the bad things that have happened to me in the past 3 years or so.. at this point im sometimes crying for help from someone up there if there is someone.. tears are seriously falling from my eyes :(
My family is poor,my country's weather is depressing (-5 degrees almost everyday exept spring and summer) , i am ugly, I am only good at esports and my dad hates me for that.
I dont even fucking know what to do I dont know why I am so sad all the time.. everyday I wake up with a thought that I just want to die I dont want to live. I am sometimes saying in my mind "In 10 seconds I will die" and I will count to 10 hoping I'll die...
Fuck this life I am probably killing myself soon if I will not get out of this feeling, I just dont want to live like this. Pless help me | self.SuicideWatch |
i dont know what to do i have school in a few hours so i feel like shit, theres a lot of reasons for that but when i dont feel like shit i feel really empty and i say i care about people but i just dont feel it, but i still kinda do its pretty hard to explain
how do i calm down its hard to go on at this point i feel so unmotivated i havent done any of my work and i feel like im a disappointment my life is pathetic
i made this account cause i really need to talk about this ive bottled up stuff for so long i cant take it anymore
im trying so hard to not give up but i cant do it anymore its so hard
this post is a mess i just needed to let it all out
sorry
ive had a hard time trusting people cause of past stuff, and ive gotten a lot worse, ive done stuff i shouldnt have and if i told anyone im friends with online im pretty sure theyd get hurt
the only reason im holding on anymore is online friends and i feel like ive started to care less and less and i dont know why
i wanna get out of this house already
| self.depression |
I am turning 21 next week and I feel like my life is over. [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
Lily I fell into the pools of color that were your eyes. I saw pure joy, exceptional excitement in your eyes as you gazed back at me. I knew you as the most intellectual captivating woman I had ever met, but in an instant I knew you as a weak, selfish, manipulative girl. At a base level you, like all to many, found it all to easy to simply text me "you're gonna hate me" and the sad thing is no I don't hate you. Rather, I despise myself for not hating you. For whatever reason it may be that true love is a bond stronger than trust that finds a way to exist even when said trust is absent, I hate that love exists without a prerequisite of reciprocated affection. I can't bear that you find your self in the arms of another man after I had given everything I had to you, as if he brings more to the table. I stood for you in your darkest moments, I would have gone to war for you. However strong I feel about you, destiny, it seems, plays the cruel role that continues to drive a spike between us. | self.offmychest |
FEARLESS FRIDAYS MEGA THREAD. Here we discuss embarrassing stories, funny stories, WTF stories, and everything in between. Need to get something off your chest? Here's the place to do it. Not yet diagnosed and want to ask a question? Feel free to do it here. Pretty much anything goes in Fearless Fridays | self.bipolar |
Does anybody else see someone else in the mirror? [deleted] | self.bipolar |
Hoped Christmas could be a day for my family to get along [deleted] | self.offmychest |
I keep starving myself I don't eat anymore. Usually I just eat one meal a day, and drink too much caffeine. But sometimes I am hungry, but I don't eat anyway. I think that I don't deserve to eat, and I deserve the pain of an empty stomach instead. Its how my self harm started, actually. Tonight is one of the times I am hungry but refuse to eat. It will be difficult tonight because it's spaghetti and meat sauce. I love that stuff.
But the majority of the time, I am just not hungry. No appetite after feeling worthless and guilty and sad. Not like I didn't feel those things today, but maybe my lack of eating is catching up to me.
Truthfully, I know why I'm not eating tonight. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be punished for the burden that I am. | self.depression |
So I decided that I'm going to kill myself soon [deleted] | self.SuicideWatch |
***TRIGGER WARNING*** Is this depression?!? Please help. Hello reddit!
First of all I am 19 years old male with no history of mental illnesses, no abuse, and a normal happy life, with happy family. I don't do drugs, but I smoke and drink, or used to drink a lot of coffee, before this happened.
My Mental HELL began 2 months ago. I feel like something in my mind broke... And do you know the reason? I heard of someone who died by suicide. Since then, my life changed completely.
I don't know why.
I don't know how.
I don't know what to do next.
I suddenly asked myself: "Why he did it, he had 6 kids, he had everything? What kind of force drive him to suicide? What stops me from doing it too?" and then I experienced something strange, something confusing.
Since then, I have nearly constant obsession with suicide...At the beginning I was sure that I don't want to do it. But now I doubt it constantly.
I have really hard time describing what is happening in my brain(nearly impossible), but i will try. Life feels meaningless without any apparent reason. I am constantly anxious, have less energy. I don't go outside as I used to. I am constantly in my home, searching google articles about mental issues and so on. I am constantly in my head.
My interest in people dissapeared. There are other weird feelings in my head:(As I said, I can't trully describe them.)
weird feeling: It feels like i imagine waking up everyday but it feels like i am waking every minute.
weird feeling: Feels like I won't be here soon.
weird feeling: When I try to do something I can't do for long time. Eventually there is a weird feeling associated with a throughts like the above that doesn't allow me to do it. It is strange, feels like anxiety a bit, but not exactly.
weird feeling: When I am relatively okay, there is a feeling like I am anxious, idk strange feeling in the stomach(not exactly anxiety.) Can't fully describe it.
weird feeling: Like i am dissociated with life(not like the derealization stuff) - again I am not sure what it is it feels strange.
weird feeling: Feeling like I don't want to get better.(This is the scariest one.)
weird feeling: Feeling like years have passed between my old life and now.
weird feeling: Feeling like there is no emotional content in my memories.
weird feeling: Confusion if I am suicidal or not.
weird feeling: Feeling like a wave between now and the future happens in my head and makes me feel tired and anxious.(This happens especially in the morning, when I stand up and stop being sleepy it dissapears.)
weird feeling: When I do something it randomly appears it is like a feeling of /suicidality/hopelessness/flying feeling/ (not sure can't describe it.) and when this happens there is a strike in my stomach.
weird feeling: There are pictures stuck in my head(2 or 3) mostly regarding to future. for example: me in the garden of my university walking - like i am looking at myself from a flying drone. they seem dark or super bright in my head.
weird feeling: Feeling that there is something wrong with my thinking pattern and my rational thinking.
weird feeling: Sudden feeling of being trapped(In life?). (It happens randomly.)
weird feeling: That I will suicide if I work, and since then I am not working.
weird feeling: Going out seems weird/scary/overwhelming/I don't know.
weird feeling: Something that happened a long time ago seems close, something that happened a short time ago feels far.
weird feeling: This is about babies. Somewhere I have read "I don't want kids on this terrible world." And now there is a weird feeling when I see a baby.
weird feeling: Everything seems darker.
*AND THE MOST IMPORTANT* :**WEIRD FEELING THAT IF I WORK/GO TO UNIVERSITY OR FEEL OVERWHELMED I WILL S....... FEELING THAT I AM ALREADY OVERWHELMED AND WILL S......**
And many intrusive suicidal thoughts about 16 to be exact, I picked a lot of them while researching and now they are stuck in my head. But I will not list them because they may trigger someone.
I visited 5 psychiatrists, yet, no clear diagnosis. One of them suggested Adjustment Disorder, but I don't think that this is the case, exept I moved to new city(1 year ago.)(because I study there.), and had a lot of stress during exams, nothing more.
Any suggestions what it might be? Do I sound suicidal?
Thanks in advance, have a good night.
| self.depression |
I'm emotionally and verbally constipated. I have a lot to say but I can never get everything out. [deleted] | self.depression |
I should have stayed on antidepressants I (F20) went on antidepressants back in late December 2016 and stayed on them until April. I did not taper off them and did not consult with a doctor, I stopped taking them cold turkey (stupid I know). Anyways I’ve been fine from April up until October in terms of my depression but I can feel myself getting back into my depressive state and it’s awful. I hate anti depressants because they decrease my libido and literally just put a fucking chastity belt on my vagina. I also dislike anti depressants because I attribute my spending spree on them as well. It almost felt like going on antidepressants just made me unrealistically optimistic and airy fairy like those wacky people who love life if you know what I mean. Anyways I’m at the clinic right now and I’m gonna request anti depressants before it gets worse and ask for a variation of the drug that won’t affect libido. | self.offmychest |
My head feels like it's going to explode I have cried every day for the last three weeks for 1 - 2 hours at a time. I am in physical pain. My anxiety attacks are almost constant. Meaning, it feels like I have day-long panick attacks. Like I said I feel like my heads going to pop right off. I currently have a deficit of $1700 in my bank account and I might not be getting any money for another week. I really want to do cutting (I am a self-harmer). The sharpest thing I have is scissors so they wont kill me but I'm going to cut to at least give me some endorphin relief.
For context, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and have been frequently suicidal. I have been trying to work through these issues with therapists mainly via Dialectical Behaviour Therapy since I got diagnosed about a year ago with very little success.
I am going to see my doctor tomorrow and pray to god he prescribes me a sedative of some kind although he is usually pretty resistant to doing that.
I literally cannot stop thinking about suicide | self.SuicideWatch |
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