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Holy fucking shit don't watch Requiem For A Dream Jesus fucking christ I just watched requiem for a dream for the first time and I'm on dxm at the moment. That shit is **haunting.**
I doubt I'll be able to sleep tonight. Honestly for anyone who's done drug's this shit should make your skin fucking crawl. It's a nightmare.
My friend offered me meth one time and I said no, HOLY HELL THANK YOU BRAIN.
Also, please don't shit on me I really need to just write this cause there's not much else I can do right now. I usually like this kind of thing but that was borderline traumatic. All I'm gonna say is that if you want something to scare someone straight, here it fucking is.
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self.depression
|
I cried for a straight hour and have never felt better. I have been locked out of my emotions for I don't how long. I could never fully cry, maybe a single tear when something sad happened in my life. Example: My grandpa whom I was close with passed when I was about 19 and I didn't shed a single tear. Just profound sadness announced on my face. This morning my mom who has NPD pissed me the hell off. She still does not know any boundaries with me and it makes me incredibly mad. For the record I am a 27yo male living on my own.
As I stormed off and drove home I thought about my childhood and growing up until now. Everything I do has to be to her satisfaction and it's never enough. Don't worry tho I've been fighting back for the last 6 years. Although today she got on my last nerves. I am my own person and can make my own decisions.
During the hour long drive I poured my eyes out. I listened to happy songs and sad songs and they all got a response out of me. It felt so good to finally release everything inside me. I was actually happy crying because I could actually cry again. I feel born new again and just in time for the next year.
I want to be on good terms with my mom, but that's on her. My emotional box has been unlocked and I'm ready to take on 2018 with a new outlook on life.
PS: If anyone cares about MBTI: I'm an ISTP so emotions are hard.
|
self.depression
|
People who have sought professional help? Was it worth it? I know it's a positive start. I have never sought professional help so I'm not diagnosed with any mental or emotional conditions, however, I feel so empty and sad all the time. I tried talking to my parents however my dad told me to man up and my mother goes on about Jesus. I've spent the past 3 years at uni in a foreign country, I go like 10 classes max per semester, n once failed an entire semester because I couldn't bring myself to do more than leave the bed most days. If I stick it out I Kno I have a path to a good career (dad has connections, blah blah I Kno) n a few people ive talked to basically tell that I'm spoilt and "have it good." I feel guilty for existing sometimes. Guess I'm jus rambling now, have finals in about 5hrs n I'm doing my usual caffeine fueled all nighter to save something I don't intrinsically care about but still need cuz I'd feel even shittier if I don't get my degree. N when I do get it, I'll be just as purposeless and empty while im pursuing the next career step, it's a fucked up cycle.
|
self.depression
|
I wish guys got the treatment that girls get on social media To me, it's always seemed as if when girls post on Instagram or anything else, no matter who it is and how good the picture is, get boatloads of complements and likes. It's gotta be one hell of a confidence booster (as someone who has precisely 0 confidence that would be nice).
Whenever I see a guy who isn't incredibly attractive post (like me), they get 1/4 the likes and only a couple comments, very few of which are actually complements. There's no male body positivity, no encouragement, no community to support guys when they're going through rough times. Not even a nice little "hey you look good today". I've had to trek through my life, my depression, and my insecurities more alone than at least 90% of girls. This isn't to say I don't have supportive friends, but that outpouring of love and support you can get just isn't there. And obviously this doesn't apply to all guys or girls, but it's undeniably a general trend I see across the Internet, and it makes me sad.
But hey, to the dudes (and girls) who feel the same way, I wanna say you do look good today and you are a great person, and hope that you have a great day and do great things.
|
self.offmychest
|
I am giving up Yet another unsuccessful interview. After giving me a wrong phone number, and delaying the process by a week, i am being told to my face that "class is full, sorry" right as i come to the interview itself.
And that is a third one in a week. Three out of 350+ jobs i applied to.
I have 3 years of retail experience, warehouse experience, i speak three languages fluently.
But even Mcds won't hire me, nor general labor jobs for 8 dollars an hour. They don't even get back to me.
My wife is expecting, and i cannot even get a job flipping burgers.
I probably won't be allowed to say all the nice things about you, business owners and employers.
But one day an angry mass of people will squish you out of this existence.
|
self.offmychest
|
Lost 4 years of my life due to depression I've been depressed almost 5 years. I'm strating to feel much better but there is something that's bugging me. I almost dropped out of college beacuse of my condition and now I'm starting it all over, I changed my major and I love the change. college is pretty cheap in my country so it's not a financial loss. but the thing is I am 23 years old and by the time I finish I'll be around 26. now this is making me anxious, like i've lost 4 years of my life for nothing. I am finally seeing progress in my life, but I am afraid it is too late. Has anyone been in a situation like this? How do I cope with this? Any advice is more than welcomed.
|
self.depression
|
Rant : finally had a pretty decent week. The last two weeks were the worst. I had exams and I failed everything because I couldn't focus on anything. I was at my worst and I even avoided talking to my "friends". I didn't pick up calls from my parents and didn't reply to any texts. I was totally numb. My exams are finally over and I get a week off. ( I failed everything but I'm still glad it's over) it feels better to not have any responsibility. Now I'm just staying on my phone all day distracting myself from my thoughts. BUT I'm still pretty sure it's gonna creep up soon.
|
self.depression
|
Should I just end my life? There's no escaping my abusive family. I've been trying this whole year, and even last year to move out of here and get away from my parents, and brother. I've tried everything from applying for jobs, going to interviews, doing volunteering (for experience), speaking to social workers, tried to go live with some creep but changed my mind on the way there because he gave me serious killer/rapist vibes. I have 1 friend and can't live with her due to her living arrangement/money, etc. I have no other friends. My latest delay is that I've been approved for financial aid (which I could have used to move/for rent and food money) but the money hasn't even made it to my bank account for some reason. I was excited thinking I would be safe and free from abuse soon but now I want to die more than ever. With everything I do there's a delay or failure. Nothing ever actually changes. I'm still stuck here. I don't want to be abused everyday anymore. I can't even stand one more week of this. I can't handle any more delays or failures. I can't handle the constant depression, anxiety attacks or nightmares. I've tried everything. No one would miss me if I died. I've wanted to die since I was a child.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
i dont have the guts for it. i cant do this anymore.
i feel so overwhelmed.
i want all these to end.
i cant help it.
i feel so useless.
where is the hope?
school is starting.
im dreading it.
i cant keep up.
i cant continue the cycle.
i do not have the energy for it.
i do not want to break down again.
lets all end this.
i could.
no.
i cant.
my parents.
i cant do this to them.
no.
i cant.
it would kill them.
i dont want to disappoint them.
but i do not know how to carry in myself.
without him.
how?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does hope exist? I don't even know what it is anymore.
|
self.depression
|
Started taking Zoloft last week And I feel like fucking shit. More depressed than before, barely any motivation, and just negative emotions all over the place. How long did it take for you guys to start feeling the proper effects of SSRI's? The only thing keeping me taking it is the knowledge that it takes a little while to begin working as it's supposed to.
I'm only on 25mg now but I'm supposed to increase it to 50mg soon..
|
self.depression
|
Sometimes you know when you are going to die, other times you don't [removed]
|
self.depression
|
I need someone hello
I'm 13 years old. I'm a trans girl and I hate myself and want to die. I've tried to kill myself 4 or so times. I've always failed. Twice with a knife and twice by dehydration. I put off the dehydration because someone is coming round for lunch next weekend and I want to see them. I feel like trying again after that. I have around 5 things that make me happy. But the happiness is always temporary. Either for the time I'm doing it or less than 5 minutes after the experience. These things include video-games, music, drawing and a couple of other things. I use these as a form of escapism. The distract me from things I don't want to think about. This year was the first time I have loved someone that wasn't unconditional. I found out that they're too immature to handle a situation properly and that ended in a break up. One sided. I love them too much. They are moving away in January. I don't feel like I could love anyone else. But I need someone as a friend. At least for the rest of my life. I've never had a proper friend. Probably because I have a very thick line between good acquaintance and friend. I want someone that I can talk to about philosophy and ethics. Someone I can hug. Someone I can play games with.
Thank you if you took the time to read all of this. You've payed me more attention than expected. Thank you.
|
self.depression
|
This constant pain i'm feeling is suffocating I've been having a bad couple of weeks, but lately yesterday and today have been REALLY bad. I'm constantly anxious to the point that I'm switching in and out of a dissociated state constantly. I constantly feel like that moment your stomach drops when you go down a rollercoaster. I hate it. I want to run away, go anywhere where I don't feel the pain anymore. But I can't because it's in my own mind. I'm afraid one day I'm going to lose it and hurt myself or end up in a psych ward because I just can't deal with myself.
|
self.Anxiety
|
First post long life story The worlds been working against me from the start it seems. i was molested as a child multiple times by multiple people. beaten by my father and bullied by my siblings. ive never had very many friends or people i could rely on. parents divorced when i was 9 moved to another state. constantly bullied at school treated like shit by my grandparents i had to live with because we had no money. family is super religious and im an atheist so they spend all their time trying to convert me. got my first job at 16 and put almost all my money into bills to help my mom while my siblings did fuck all. in the last 5 years things have gotten really bad. my ex fiance of 4 years dumped me and then i found out she had been cheating on me the entire time. my mother lost her job in the nursing field and couldnt get another thanks to false accusations of abuse. my depression and anger gets so bad i constantly quit jobs or got fired because i worked my ass off and got sick of everyones laziness. 2 years ago my appendix had to be removed because it was close to bursting. i had no job and no insurance so that put me over 27k in debt which just gets higher and higher every month thanks to bill collectors. recently i took a trip to kansas with my family and ended up staying with my best friend in a shed outside of his friends house. i have no job no money no skills terrible pains in my legs i really only have 2 friends. my family just wants me to get a job and send my mom money because now that im not paying all the bills shes getting worse. but they just smoke weeds and drink and steal her food and use her just like they used me. tried going to doctor. took my pills. but they never did anything. i scored like 28 on the depression sheet and doctors just ignore when i tell them about my leg pain always blaming depression on it. i look at the world and i just dont want to be apart of it. all the greed and hate theres so little good in the world. i cant stand pain so killing myself just isnt feesable for me. my friends solution to my depression is to tell me im not sad and to hit me and laugh. i dont even know why im typing this so i guess this is it.
|
self.depression
|
New to Bipolar A close family member of mine just got diagnosed with bipolar this summer after experiencing a major manic episode. Is there anyone who has advice or tips for learning more about this condition, or things you wish you knew early on that might have helped you to deal with your symptoms better? If there are any resources that can be recommended all information would be appreciated. The biggest issue is sleep right now and I feel like my family member is obsessing over it to the point that they can't see the progress that they are making and I just want to know how I can help. They feel numb to emotion and at times hopeless and I wan't to know what I can do or how I can help them help themselves.
Thank you
|
self.bipolar
|
First interview in 6 months made me realize how much i don't want to work.
|
self.depression
|
I can't pretend forever that I don't want to sleep with you again. But I can never tell you or I'll never move on. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
How to completely cut ties with people before committing suicide? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I am going to be alone for the rest of my life and I can't handle it. I have lost all hope of ever finding love. I honestly cannot do this. I just barely made it through Christmas crying myself to sleep with a knife in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other.
I cannot do New Year's. I cannot do Valentine's. I can't go outside anymore because there are couples everywhere. I can't watch any shows or movies. I can't use social media, even Reddit because every second post is about a relationship. I cannot live like this.
Do not try and give me false hope and tell me that the right person will come one day. Do not tell me I need to improve myself. Don't tell me to find new hobbies. Don't tell me to love myself first. Don't tell me my attitude is the problem when my attitude is the result of being rejected over and over. And don't tell me I can live without love. I've heard it all and none of it matters. What matters is that I am an undesirable, unlovable hunk of wasted flesh.
I am worthless. I have no friends and a family that has forsaken me. I will never be loved by anyone ever. And I can't live like that.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I met the girl of my dreams and asked her out but... So this happened earlier this week. I met a girl at a uni prize giving who was intelligent, charming and really pretty. Had a lovely conversation with her, got her details and then asked her yesterday. Turns out she was gay and has a girlfriend. For a bit more context this was the first time I asked out a girl since high school( I am 21) and had never met someone gay until now. I'm not upset (was prepared for rejection anyway) but I am struggling to process exactly what happened.
|
self.offmychest
|
How do you not consider suicide? See above. How do you not think about doing it? Currently struggling a bit.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’ve been trained on 4 separate occasions to perform CPR. The first person I performed it on was my 6 month old son, and I couldn’t save him. I’m absolutely terrified to ever be in a situation like this again.
|
self.offmychest
|
Meds I’m on Latuda and I feel NO DIFFERENT! No meds work ; I’m new to this diagnosis and see my psychiatrist in the morning but I’m so discouraged already.
|
self.bipolar
|
Going through Mind Over Mood. Need a good depression tracking app. Hi,
I'm going through a book with my therapist, and would like a way to track my depressive symptoms. Something similar to the Mind over Mood depression inventory that's in the book.
I do way better with apps than worksheets.
Free is preferable.
Thanks.
|
self.depression
|
I’ve been crying all day I’m spending the holidays alone. Entirely alone. I know I shouldn’t drink but it’s the only thing temporarily helping. I’ve been depressed my entire life but nothing makes me feel more worthless and unloved then the holidays. No one to call or see.
I try to think of the things that I love to cheer me up but it’s not helping.
I want to disappear. I don’t want to die but I just want for this pain to end.
I’m 27 and i kept telling myself that it gets better but it still hasn’t. I feel like I will throw the towel soon. Everything is planned i just don’t have a set date.
|
self.depression
|
Was a sociable person I used to be very sociable and most importantly funny too. Now I feel like I don't make alot of jokes and 9/10 times they're about suicide. Thing is I've been depressed for quite some time now, and for like 5 months I lived with a friend and his family (16m), and I got back to my old self and making jokes in school again. I used to be one of the more populair guys and now I am quite forgetable. Whenever I am at parties I just sit there uncomfortably don't really go out talking or make jokes because I've just lost it unless I am really in my zone/am comfortable.
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self.depression
|
I’m gonna be sick... So I’ve been dealing with anxiety/depression for about 10 years now and have recently been told by my gp that I have a form of OCD.
My biggest issue is that when I get anxious I get stuck in a cycle of feeling like I’m going to be sick, meaning I either avoid situations or go through the situations looking like a psychopath, constantly trying to avoid being sick.
I have started another course of therapy but I’m due to start a new job tomorrow and what to give the best first impression.
If anyone else suffers with things like this - do you have any go to methods to ‘sort this out’.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has this!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Accepted into dream school, can only afford Year 1, may decline the offer I saved up for the past five years. Finally applied for, had an interview, and accepted into the program. The school was informed about my financial constraints. However, no scholarships/grants were offered and I have to pay full-fee. I can only afford year one, and I have no idea how to pay for year two. I came to realise that after such hard work to get in, I may have to decline the offer. I am very sad to see that the only thing that stops me from my dream is money.
|
self.offmychest
|
Hey. When I saw you both the first time and I got that weird feeling there must be something between the two of you.
Years passed by and I got married with him.
He made an effort to avoid his entire friend including you.
Last year when I called it quit for our marriage in just two weeks in you both got together. He insisted there was never anything between you two.
It’s just truly humiliating for my pride as a (soon to be ex) wife. How could I believe there was nothing ever between you two. Shame on my ego. Shame on my idealistic belief that he had ever loved me.
After you two got together, in an official relationship which he announced proudly, he returned back to me, begging to hook up again, behind your back.
I refused him several times, and he confessed he still loves me. It perked a bit of my pride, but by then I have learned the lesson. He was always that lying coward who only thinks of himself. For his own self interest.
And I get it. Maybe you two do belong together.
Yesterday I confessed to him all the beans I had been keeping for myself the past decade we’ve been together.
He said he doesn’t love you. Well, I think he doesn’t even know what love is.
So, good luck for having him again just for you, though I could see that he won’t stop lying about his other hookups behind you.
All the best for your love life.
I used to admire you as a strong and smart independent woman. But now, all the respect I have for you has been blown by your own choices.
Never had the chance to say this to your face, but good bye.
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self.offmychest
|
Im curious what other peoples bipolar dilusions are?? Mine consist of the people i love hating me and secretly trying to hurt me, and thinking everyone i meet has a vendetta against me.
|
self.bipolar
|
Starting new medication tomorrow for the first time since 2 years. I’m gonna start with zetron xl and I’m very excited. Is anyone here familiar with bupropion?
|
self.bipolar
|
Just had the one of the greatest nights of my life Last night might have been the best night of my life thus far. It was my first time have high sex and it was with one of the most amazing girls I know. All while listening to An Awesome Wave by Alt-J, my favorite album of all time. That shit was ideal. Had to tell someone, thanks.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm so Happy. I don't even have one specific point for this but just need to express a few random things.
A couple months ago I broke up with my boyfriend (23) of 3 years and I immediately felt so relieved and happy. Honestly he is a lovely person and I have many kind things to say about him and he will make someone so happy. It is just not me anymore. There were so many big reason why I had to break up but that is another post. I think it crushed him but I have never felt better, I feel more me than ever. I don't feel so crushed by the pressure of being the one has to make all the decisions big and small, do all of the adulting things, only one generally motivated in daily life things, etc. I get to kayak every weekend now and I no longer have to feel bad for doing what I love with some of the best people I have met.
Fast forward a little over a month and I am over the moon, I started to see a guy I have had a crush on for so long and it feels unreal. The other day I saw on Facebook that my ex's sister's step daughter (f17) (I know seems very removed but they are a tight-knit family) died from a hit and run. I sent flowers and reached out to express my condolences and let him know that anything his family needed don't hesitate to ask ( I actually live a few street from his parents who are super lovely people). After he texted me seeing how I was doing with the break up and life in general, that was hard. There are still days I catch myself feeling really bad for letting myself feel this happy this soon.
TLDR; I think I am supposed to feel bad but I could not be more happy.
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self.offmychest
|
I hate myself for my mistake I fucked up.
In March, I made a new friend. Let's call her J. I was kind of attracted to J but I mostly wanted to be her friend. We began to talk and soon we told each other everything. We called each other our "emotional support". Me, and another friend named S, who had known J for 4 years, we were great pals. I started to get closer and closer with her. I never had this type of friend before and I was just so inteigued and happy that i could tell her literally anything and she wouldn't get mad or judge me. In July, I told her two things. One was of a dream that i had were we had done some...stuff. The other was about how as a kid I first saw porn (this wasn't random we were talking about a similar subject). She acted normal but seconds after i felt like shut and apologized like 8 times. Ever since then I STILL have been apologizing. She acted cool saying no big deal, I don't care, etc. We were good. Then in August, I really began to develop an attraction to her. My friend accidently told her i liked her and she said she didn't care she would still be my friend. A few weeks ago she said that all of this stuff bothered her and that she didnt know how to say it. I kept my distance and I stopped interaction for the most part. I talked with her a few days ago and I told her all i wanted was to be her friend and for her to trust me again. She said she would be there for me but she would never be close with me or trust me again saying "I can't forgot all that". I feel so ashamed and hurt because I don't have any friends and all i wanted was J's acceptance and trust. Suicidal thoughts have been common in my mind and i just want to end it. I see her hanging out with S and other friends and talking about plans I'm not invited to and I feel like crying. I don't know what to do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Hey its 3am and i had panic attack and i cried just felt like sharing it to someone
|
self.depression
|
I have such an intense self loathing of myself and I feel lost in the world. I don't know if this will ever end. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I am not worthy I am not worth going there
I am not worth the air I breathe
I am not worth talking to you, I never was
I am just a waste of anyone's time
|
self.depression
|
Everybody I know is moving forward in life. I just fucked up mine. And instead of doing something about it, I just look at other people's social media and cry out of envy. I hate myself for letting my stupid illness overpower me.
The people who used to be known in my school as dumbasses are getting their Masters degrees, while I just stopped going to uni 3 years ago because my anxiety and depression were too much.
Then I lied to my family about graduating. They found out and now they're not speaking to me. I just want to stop living this humiliating life. I hate myself.
|
self.depression
|
Saw the new Star Wars today and... it wasn't as bad a I thought it would be. I'm an old schooler who grew up loving the original 3 Star Wars movies. I refuse to watch any Star Wars movies that don't have any of the original characters in them. I wasn't impressed with The Force Awakens- I did not like Solo getting killed off, despite liking Kylo Ren's character. I was fully expecting to not enjoy The Last Jedi based on audience reviews. I find it very interesting that there are a lot of negative audience reviews, but the movie received high points from the critics (just goes to show you that these professional reviewers have zero credibility). Anyways, surprisingly enough I thought the movie was overall fairly well done. There were complaints from viewers that the humor used during the movie was ridiculous and excessive, however I thought there was so much tension building throughout that the dumb jokes provided some much needed comic relief. I do agree that the Mary Poppins scene with Princess Leia was totally cringe worthy and needed to be cut out. I was also annoyed with Luke Skywalker being a whiny, depressed little b&^tch about everything. His part needed to be rewritten- how he behaved during the movie was not true to his character at all. Kylo Ren did not disappoint; Adam Driver did an amazing job. Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, and Oscar Issac deserve honorable mentions. I felt a little sad during scenes that Carrie Fisher was in knowing that she is no longer with us. The visuals and new creatures were on point; very imaginative. Overall I would give this movie 8/10.
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self.offmychest
|
I sort of... forgot I'm bipolar. No, I didn't stop taking my meds.
The past couple weeks I've been working very hard at my job and trying my best to be a functional adult. I've been primarily focusing on saving money (I don't make much) and surviving. I haven't been having much fun.
Oh! Not to mention 2 feet of snow shit on us within a couple days and I was plowed into my driveway. Fun times! The inconvenience of this weather put a damper on my mood, just like every winter in the Midwest USA. For some reason I didn't realize this.
My fiance noticed that I seemed tired and down a lot, not to mention I wasn't giving him enough attention (*cough*sex*cough*). I think he thought I was getting bored of him. But that wasn't true.
"We're never going to have enough money to live on our own together! We barely make a living wage, then all of it goes to bills, car payments and insurance! Our generation is totally fucked! Theres too much inflation!" I yelled. (Wow, I'm such a positive person...)
I went on to say that we do the same stuff all the time because we never have any money to do exciting things.
He tried to cheer me up, but I was inconsolable. There was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better; I was too sad and negative.
"I don't know what's wrong with me! Everything is so fucked up! I'm destroying our relationship and I don't know how to make it better!" I said.
I stormed off to the bathroom saying, "I'm SO sick of winter!! Why can't it just stop?!"
I stayed in there for over 10 minutes.
I finally came out and gave him a huge hug from behind.
"I'm SO sorry," I cried.
"It's okay, baby" he said, "It's just the bipolar."
Suddenly it came to me. Oh yeah, I AM bipolar! I get severe seasonal depression every year, and here it is again, rearing its ugly head. I was so caught up in other things, I completely forgot.
What amazed me is that he recognized that. I remember telling him if I'm so inconsolable that nothing can cheer me up, it is most likely a chemical problem in my brain. He listened to me! And he remembered what I said! I could barely believe it.
And I learned something:
Even though depression makes us want to isolate ourselves, it's important to talk through things with loved ones who are concerned about us. They may not fully understand how we feel, but they can lend us a different perspective of how we portray our bipolar disorder.
|
self.bipolar
|
The night beckons Hello my friends, we're here again, ready to recieve the nights embrace, lets all take a slow deep breath and revel in the tranquility that is nighttime.
Good night everyone!
|
self.depression
|
A collection of stuff that's in my head Oh man.
I have a hard time connecting with people. Not only in the sense of feeling empathy, but also in the sense of finding friends or acquaintances.
I can barely understand my own thoughts, feelings and motivations let alone those of others. What's even worse, every time someone does break through to me I do everything in my power to drive them away. Why? I dunno.
I mean I gotta give props to myself because I can actually have conversations with people now, instead of just not talking at all.
Ugh. I sometimes wonder what the point of all this is. In fear of sounding nihilistic AF, life is pretty much pointless at least for most of us.
I don't brighten anyone's day, and I don't add value to anything at all. I'm not gonna invent anything life changing. My existence or lack of existence wouldn't change a thing.
Maybe that's why I can't connect :(
Man Monday's suck.
|
self.depression
|
My Dilemmma - Grew up LITERALLY being bullied by all his peers, and with no friends
- I remember growing up the only people who I could talk to were the teachers, and even then I still felt like a fucking nuisance
- I'll never forget middle school, where in 6th grade, my shyness and awkwardness led me to be bullied and harassed on the daily until graduation
- Do you have any idea how shitty it is not even being acknowledged by your first crush, and then eventually having your social interactions with people get screwed over because of it?
Facts about me:
- I grew up wanting to be a doctor, chef, then veterinarian (not in that order)
- I also grew up with a fascination in Science, getting 90's until I hit 6th grade
-I'm a photographer
My issue is that ever since I was born, I've always felt alone. Now whether that is because I was supposed to have a twin, or some other external factor is beyond me but I can't fathom the pain. It's like a lingering parasite, that slowly eats at your sanity from the back of your mind. People tell me I have so much talent as a photographer, and I know I'm only 18, but despite only being in one exhibition so far in NYC, I still feel like I'm at square one. Sure, now I have more tools at my disposal, but what was the point? I'm constantly busting my ass 24/7 (to which my family ESPECIALLY MY MOM never acknowledges), and now since I've decided to take a break from college in my first year, I'm considered to be lazy?? It's so ignorant how I've been out of college for less than two months, and on top of having an alcoholic father and narrcistic abusive mother, I have to deal with her constantly yapping in my ear telling me how worthless I am, and how I have no friends and all this other shit. I'm tired of being told that it gets better, or pampered with the whole "if you need someone, I'm here for you bullshit" because it isn't true. People only give a fuck about you when you're in your grave, don't believe me? The last time I felt geninune love com in g from both my parents was when I was in suicide watch at the hospital 2 years ago. Anyways, I just want to hang myself and end this misery. Big apple, my ass
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self.SuicideWatch
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Every guy I've ever been with has negatively commented on my ass [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
trying to control my anxiety-Inducing thoughts: purposeful or not? Something that I've been struggling with as I've tried to work with my depression and anxiety is that certain (really almost all) lines of thought that occur naturally will bring me down and launch an anxiety attack if I allow them to continue. The same topic/thought will have me freak out again and again, it's been years and the effect goes nowhere. So it doesn't really seem like I'd get used to them through repetition either.
Now, some of these things I can recognize and cut short before it gets that bad and that's nice but it leads to me actively avoiding the troublesome thoughts. And as I said, a very large chunk of my inner dialogue is of that troublesome nature which leads to me almost constantly trying not to think of the things that most naturally come to me and I was wondering how healthy/purposeful that is.
Clearly this can't be a long term solution, I can't live my life avoiding thinking. I wouldn't want to, either. Especially as I literally have next to no one to talk to or do things with, I spend almost 24/7 isolated and on my own, both online and offline. It gets really tiring to rein in my thoughts and I kinda wish I could just sleep the day away, which I did in the past but medical staff thought I sleep so much it's unhealthy and obviously it messed with my studies too. So that's out of the question now.
What I'm trying to get to is how do I approach a situation like this? I could really use some advice. Distractions or people who can relate to this are welcome too :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I was gonna as my crush that I’ve liked for 5 yrs to prom..then I find out she already has a date I wish I wasn’t a worthless irrelevant piece of shit
|
self.depression
|
I can't do this anymore Every day when I wake up, I feel nothing. When I try to do something I can't even get close to what I was trying to do because I give up so easily, Everybody thinks I'm ok but in reality I feel worthless. The fact that life keeps going downhill for me just makes it worse.
I want to disappear
Everytime I try to conquer this feeling of worthlessness just doesn't work and actually makes it worse. I have nothing. No job or income, no one to love, no properties, and close friends I've had just keep turning their backs on me and making me feel worse as if I never meant anything to them. I just want it to end. I don't want to live anymore, my life has no meaning, nobody listens to me and the ones that do don't understand it or give the old "you shouldn't feel like that".
I don't think I will make it through this new year, not that most people would actually care enough to even notice if I'm gone
I want this suffering to end, I'm slipping deeper and deeper into the thought of ending it all.
I can't do this anymore, nothing motivates me, no one seems to care enough. What's the point of living?
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self.depression
|
Preparing for another night of wondering where I went wrong.
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self.depression
|
When can I tell you I love you Everytime I look at you those words crash against the back of my throat but I hold them in for fear of rejection. I fall asleep next to you each night just wondering when I should tell you. It's eating me alive.
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self.offmychest
|
I don't want to be around anyone...guess I'm just in a mood I don't want to interact with my family at all right now. I just want to keep my door closed all day and night and avoid ANY contact with anyone, but I need to eat at some point. I just wish everyone was gone in the house so I could go out there and make something to eat, but I don't want to have any contact with any humans today. My feelings of isolation > my appetite. Guess I'll have to wait until they go to sleep in about 7 hours to eat then. Gawd I hate this.
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self.depression
|
Why can't people just enjoy things instead of nitpicking everything and getting wound up about it? I'm so tired of this terrible attitude people have towards everything in life. Something isn't perfect? Let's complain about every little thing wrong about it, focus on the negatives, argue about why it's terrible at any opportunity. So much so that it ruins every experience they have because they just can't appreciate things that aren't perfect and are unable to just chill and enjoy something without tearing it apart.
I wish this was just one person but it's this endless stream of negativity everywhere. Offline, online... It's like people have been conditioned to only seek perfection or it's not worthwhile and they waste all this time and energy being angry about everything and I end up having to sit there in this cloud of negativity that they produce, wondering why people get sooo wound up over nothing. It just seems to be getting worse every year and honestly it's an annoying attitude to be around.
For example, the new Star Wars movie, holy guacamole do people get so wound up about it and going on and on about it. It's made even worse because it's so unimportant. But it's not just things like movies but also current events, social media, relationships between people etc.
I just don't understand this attitude? To live your life never just enjoying things and taking everything so serious. It seems so negative and sad to me. I just don't get why you'd wanna live like that?
I wish people just tried to chill out and just enjoy what they can. We have only one life, to spend so much time being negative and angry at everything is no way to live.
Sure certain things are perfectly understandable to get upset about (for a little while) but all this trivial stuff? And even the more serious subjects, eventually it just becomes this endless cycle that goes nowhere. You can disagree with something without this constant going on about it. People just don't seem to know when to let go. It's just such a waste to live every day in this negativity.
If you do this sort of nitpicking, pessimistic, negative thinking at everything, why? Aren't you getting tired of being so angry and upset all the time?
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self.offmychest
|
Barely holding it together this year... The second half of 2017 has been rough. On August 1st I lost my full time job of 2.5 years that had given me the ability to be independent and living on my own. In early October, I found out my girlfriend of nearly 3 years was cheating on me, so I moved back to my parents house and away from her. I spent a month jobless, in my bedroom, playing an MMO and ignoring the world, and my problems, until I got hired part-time at a retail store, where I met a girl that I really like - we have a lot in common, but my anxiety won't let me find out if she likes me too. I spent a month working there until I found a new full-time job where I am now working. I have a loving family and a place to live, so I should be happier than I am, yet I still feel so alone. I have no one to talk to every day anymore and I just want to love someone who loves me (not just family, of course). I'm sorry if this post is incoherent, but I just needed to write it down somewhere.
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self.depression
|
Found out the author of this poem was bipolar, which makes sense https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/dolphin
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self.bipolar
|
3 Year Breakup Me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up last night.
From what I read there's no restriction to offmychest time limit, but if there is I'm sorry.
She broke up with me, and I feel like writing what I am feeling will lessen the dark pit in my stomach.
It was out of nowhere, after we exchanged gifts for Christmas late. I wrote a letter talking about how much I loved her but she forgot to make one. Whether that's true or not, I'll never know.
Long story short (er) we ended up talking and she felt we were moving in two seperate directions.
It was a complete shock, but it sounded like she wanted to break up. She then asked me how I felt.
I have dealt with emotionally abusive people in the past and I knew that if I told her I still loved her and how much she meant to me that we would probably stay in the relationship, at least for a little longer. I sat down and told her that in the end, it didn't matter how I felt because she shouldn't feel trapped in a relationship that she didn't want. She then said she wanted to break up, and I had her leave.
This moment will be one I will think about for the rest of my life. Was I right to tell her to be honest with her own feelings? Should I have told her how much she truly meant to me, and possibly prolong our relationship?
Who knows.
Afterwards, I was heavily tempted to drown myself in drugs, alcohol, and self cutting. (I have diagnosed mental problems, yada yada).
I decided to do none of that, because it definitely would be emotionally abusive. I don't want to chain her down and emotionally trap her.
Once I wrote that, I realized that no matter what I say to myself that at this moment I still care for her. If I didn't I would merely
act however I wanted, with no worry about her feelings.
To be honest, writing this down has already helped me a lot so I'm just gonna post this here on this throwaway. If anyone else has the unfortunate breakup, I would recommend writing your feelings down as I did.
It makes them easier to understand.
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self.offmychest
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Deleted all social media Fucking toxic environments.
Finally let all of them go, but Reddit and my Facebook Ads account.
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self.depression
|
When you are depressed whats the point of dreaming? I just have to stop myself from dreaming cause I end hurting myself even more just imaginating happy things I know will not happen or feeling worth which I know its not true after those minutes I end feeling worse cause I will never get to be happy
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self.depression
|
My brain is in constant battle between reaching out for help and telling myself not to bother people with my problems. I was so close to texting someone and telling them I need help... so close to posting a pic of my cuts on social media and asking for help... so close to asking someone to come over and hang out cause I just need some human company...
But then it turns around and my mind tells me not to bother people with my problems.... that it’s not their responsibility to help me... and that I can’t just be begging for attention.
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self.depression
|
Alcoholic husband Goes to his boozefest company christmas party and tells me he wont drink. 4 hours later he comes home after having a several drinks. Leaves his wallet in someones car and his car is still at work. Lets hope its not broken into tonight while its there.
I am so frustrated with him and this asinine company he works for. They are enablers.
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self.offmychest
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Please stop stalking me. Seriously. Please. Haven't you done enough? The stalking, the hacking, the catfishing, the revenge porn... all of it. Please for the love of all that is sane. I know it's you. Please stop.
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self.offmychest
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I had a terrifying yet interesting dream last night I dreampt that I made a pit deep pit (about 4tf) to atract snakes into the sunliglight. once about 8 or 9 had showed up to bathe in the sun I threw rocks in to kill the snakes. the first rock which apeared to be quite sharp was solid gold and the rest were sharped eged gray rocks. none of the snakes died despite this and the more rock I threw in the better protected the snakes became. well once I haf filled the hole with rock I decided to leave the pit by stepping over it. sevral of try snakes came up from the dark and bit my leg. afterthis knowing that I was doomed anyway I just stuck my foot into the nest allowing them all to bite me. I awoke in pannic that this had juat happened and tore my sheets off!
Sorry for spelling errors and grammar mistakes this tablet sucks to write on!
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self.depression
|
I just quit university today. And I don't know if it's the right decision or not.
I spent the first half of my first year in English literature. All my papers were low in grade because the TAs didn't like my opinions. I then switched to science in second semester. I had really severe anxiety that made me drop my status to become a part time student.
This semester I am back as a full time science student. I loathe the campus. I loathe the course load. I loathe the useless things I'm learning, the people on campus, the corrupted student government. I go to class, come back home, cry, and try not to think about killing myself.
I also went through my first ever breakup this year. I loved a man who never loved me back. I have no friends. I isolate myself from everything because I am convinced that no one likes me, and that is the reason why I have no friends. My roommate is a cat, and apart from my parents and my brother, he's the only thing I can talk to.
I just turned 19 two days ago. I invited all of the people I talk to. 5 people showed up. The people who I thought were my closest friends texted me last minute that they're "taking a mental health day and really needed to be alone."
I snapped on Monday. I called my parents (who are halfway around the globe) sobbing my eyeballs out. I told them I'm miserable and I can't do it anymore. I've had too much on my plate for too long. I have successfully withdrawn from school and will be coming home to them soon.
Sorry for the text wall. It has been the shittiest week of my life.
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self.depression
|
Hey My teenager and boyfriend of 6 years don't get along and I feel like they're making me choose between them.
If I leave the boyfriend, I can't make it with 4 kids on our own. The boyfriend says to send the teenager to live with his real dad, the real father physically, mentally and sexually abused us. I can't do that either.
It's beginning to take a tole on me. I cry everyday in the car on the way to my job. I have panic attacks at work and try to hide them from everyone.
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self.depression
|
Very lost How do I reach out for help if I cant describe what Im going through? I just cant ever seem to get the right words to help someone understand....
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self.depression
|
Why do i always self destruct 3 weeks ago i made 15000 dollars investing in crypto currency. I thought i was so fucking smart and lost all of it back in a week. I was so upset about it i started using drugs. Now i'm addicted to meth and downers. I'm also now unemployed the company i worked for closed. I honestly wish i were dead right now. I have nothing to live for. I'm at the age i should own a home and have children instead i live with my parents. I'm a fucking loser was born to live a miserable life.
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self.depression
|
What do you do on your bad days? Assuming you're medicated, in therapy, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, etc. I've had a string of off ones and I'm looking to incorporate more coping mechanisms. What are yours?
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self.bipolar
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Hormone Hell Birth control failure necessitated a date with Plan B and now my hormones are jacked and I want to hide in my bed.
Any other female peoples have experience with this who can give me some vague idea when it will stabilize?
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self.bipolar
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Depressing day. Just turned 18 today and I'll be spending it alone. This day has always been terribly for me. Kinda just have to tell myself it's just another day. Main reason it's terrible tho is because I'm stressing over new responsibility's I'll have too be in charge of. I can't even crawl out of bed on most days let alone go out n get a job. The stress of that has me beyond depressed. I can't even handle being a kid with no responsibility's so how the hell am I supposed too handle being a functional Adult. Kinda just wish a bus would hit me today I'm not happy anymore i haven't been since I was 12 and I don't think I'm cut out for this shit anymore life is just too exhausting.
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self.depression
|
hearing about school shootings makes me anxious because i'm going to be a teacher someday every time i hear about a school shooting on the news, my heart drops and i feel genuinely sick and like i'm going to have another anxiety attack. i'm a college student getting certified to teach and i just want it to stop. i just want people to go to school and feel safe, and i want children to be okay. i want to teach and make a difference and it scares me because i don't want me or my school or students to be on the news someday.
but i don't know. it's so scary and unpredictable and it just gets to me so much, and i hate it. i don't want to live in a world like this. i don't want to be in that situation, ever.
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self.Anxiety
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Surrendering Dog I have to surrender my dog tomorrow (he bit me on top of a ton of behavioral issues).
I feel awful. I just want to have a dog. It all got out of hand. Even if it was kind of impulsive to adopt him.
I’ve been terribly depressed, I have C Diff that’s making my meds ineffective. Taking the dog out and doing things with him have helped immensely.
My husband and I are devastated at having to surrender him.
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self.bipolar
|
No Appetite for months due to anxiety. Any ideas on how to get it back on track? I've been dealing with a breakup for about two months so for the past two months by anxiety has been constant. I feel like I'm getting better and the anxiety is lessening as I cope with the breakup but I still can't get my appetite on track. I maybe eat once a day or twice a day if I'm lucky. Mind you, I LOVE food. Before this breakup induced my anxiety even further, I used to eat a solid three meals and a few snacks throughout the day. Having no appetite is so unlike me.
Has anybody else had this happen to them?
Does anybody have any strategies that got them back to eating normally?
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self.Anxiety
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Depression is like living in a black and white world [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just want to watch a show on my own sometimes... [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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The most perfect soulmate - out of reach, "glass effect", pain I have extremely high standards when it comes to soulmates and partners, in fact, I've such high standards, me being 20 years old
I never had a girlfriend, and yes, I am extremely good with people; I can tell almost immediately who's who just by looking at them and conversing for a few minutes, and no, I'm not socially awkward, nor do I have social anxiety. A few days ago I saw perhaps the most perfect, and the absolute ideal soulmate in a video on youtube I've ever seen in my lifetime, and no she isn't super-famous or super-rich or anything, she's a starter youtuber. If you know a thing called "internal checklist" that you have for the perfect partner to fit under, appearances, personal traits, perhaps manners, the way they dress, their "own world" etc, not only was mine fully filled, it also has extras, AND she's single. Sadly, this isn't a story with a happy ending. She has a social anxiety, I've no way to get in touch with her, nor would I want to make her uncomfortable by being a random creep who follows her around, does research on emails /contact info etc, I'm not thinking about myself in this case because she purposefully hid her email address from youtube as well as contact info and I won't try to obtain it. I did try to look her up on facebook, and she hid everything from public, hence proving that it'll just make her even more uncomfortable if some random unknown freak sends her a random email to an address that shouldn't've been discoverable by public. This glass effect is SO bloody painful; I can see her, I hear her talk, yet she will never know about my existence, we will never meet, and never look at one another in real life, ever. It is new year's eve today, and I literally just feel like going back into my maths [I'm studying compsci] and not getting out of the world of mathematics for the next 3 months, I feel HORRIBLE, just so damn empty, tired, somewhat broken, especially when I realize that such people (for me I mean) probably will come up once every 20 years, judging by my past years. Obviously not suicidal, but my fucking god, I've never felt such a strong soul pain. I know it might sound cringy, and I'm sorry about that, I've just never felt this pain before. And if this is love at first sight, why in oblivion is it glorified so much? This pain is just so damn unbearable, especially knowing that I may, perhaps either end up being alone because such people are **ridiculously** rare, or marry someone just for financial stability, which most likely won't be the case for me; money means nothing if there are no feelings.
Anyways, thank you for reading this long ramble, I'll try my best to recover and just, sort of move on, although I know that periodically I'll probably get dragged back to this person. *sigh*
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self.depression
|
today it’s 3:32 pm and i’m sitting in bed playing with the noose i️ made. my grandmother that i️ love so much is visiting downstairs and i can’t bring myself to go downstairs because my dad’s wife turned everyone to fucking hate me. no exaggeration, they’re all against me. i’m eighteen and going to be homeless and it’s cold. i️ have no other family. and i️ can hear them talking about me and how i️ “sleep until 4 pm” and how concerning that is. i️ went downstairs and said “i’m not sleeping. i’m avoiding dad because he smacks me around and tells me what garbage i️ am every day”. a day doesn’t go by without my dad yelling at me. he completely shits on me every day and makes me want to fucking kill myself. i️ wouldn’t want to die if i️ just had money to afford college or a place to stay. i️ have no money, financial aid screwed me, and i’m gonna be fucking homeless. i’m done. goodbye.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't even know why I'm sad anymore. It's been like this for years. Having this feeling is horribly familiar for me, and I recognize it every time it starts creeping back in. I want help, to talk to someone, but I know that they have their own struggles and would just pile my anxiety on to theirs. My SO is not helping, either. He would just compare my feelings to those of our less fortunate (family-wise, money-wise, relationship-wise) friends and he'd make me feel that I have no right to be sad. I'm happy when I'm home and with my kids, they're the only reason why I keep going. But still, i'm empty. Every fucking day.
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self.depression
|
Dying from depression is a weird way to go As humans we are suppose to only have the capacity to realize things that are tangible to our senses and to other humans around us. Then once this network of minds comes to a major agreement something like the sun or an apple or money becomes very real to all of us. This also works with death. Death by starvation or by physical trauma is very real to humans because its obvious to our senses but also to the senses of the human collective. In addition death by microbial infection or cancerous growth is also very real because our abstract sense of its existence is apparent to us. When we see a tumor under a microscope or learn about disease is a classroom setting or see the buildings of research facilities and doctors with lab coats our minds are coerced to believe that indeed this form of death is very real and very much legitimate.
Death from depression is much more difficult to externalize if we look at it we just see the matter that makes ourselves. If we think about it we just think about ourselves. Because depression is so much our consciousness I think its very easy to be caught is a very haunting paradox. Its like when you see yourself move externally to your awareness. Like as if your clenching of your fist or your choice of something is as much out of your control as the movement of the clouds above you. I think about the people who have committed suicide in the act of doing it. How they will tie this noose around their necks and jump off knowing full well that if all goes according to their plan it will tightened and suffocate their breathing... I think about people like me who observe their minds oscillate like a pendulum, from creative to destructive in ever increasing amplitude, while my consciousness just helplessly narrates. I feel it just happening.
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self.depression
|
I care too much about someone and it's tearing me apart. I recently started getting close with someone that I have a lot of feelings for, but lately she's been in a stressed/depressed mood because of college (she's a forensic science major taking 3 labs). Before this, we would talk all the time. Since her breakdowns and panic attacks started, she's been almost absent from my life (maybe 3-4 texts a day). I had lived through depression for 4 years and it pained me to see her go through something similar so I told myself to never give up trying to cheer her up. Lately I've been noticing that at night I start to break down emotionally because I feel helpless. I just want to make her happy and see her smile but I can't. It's killing me.
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self.depression
|
I have an urge Right now i have a switchblade in my hand. And I want to cut my hand. I'm not usually one to self harm. I've only really cut myself on purpose once before. And now here I am, wanting to hurt myself.
Today blows. I have no valentine but thats not the first lol, idk Ive been extra sad today though idk... I did tell people happy valentines day. And I gave one person I liked some art and a quick video I put together just saying how great I think she is. And she liked it you know she said it made her happy. But I'm still sad, sad inside sitting here listening to whatever with a knife in my hand. Idk what to really do.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What are your warning signs/red flags that your becoming manic?
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self.bipolar
|
Adventures involving sleep! Share your own stories Wake up early so I can sleep early at night but get hypomanic and can't sleep anyways.
Hypomania makes me unable to sleep and when I wake up 2 hours later it's just really bad depression along with sleep deprivation.
When both the depression and the hypomania causes you to lose sleep.
When as a desperate measure you take a nap during the day it ends up a sleep of 3 or 4 hours and now everything is ruined.
I don't even know if I am an early bird or night owl TBH because everything does and doesn't work...
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self.bipolar
|
I need someone to listen... Okay. I don't want to rant. But i might, because I need to say get these feelings out.. even if just on a computer. I feel extremely depressed and sad, mostly because of one thing that always makes me sad.. and a few other things as well. I'm a 20 year old male college student, I'm gay and I work part time in retail. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never kissed anyone, and I've never been on a date. Since I was a teenager, I've always been close to my mom, as we are a single parent-single child household. I've always done everything with her. Every movie I see, food place I try, knotts berry farm, Disneyland, with her and only her. Despite the fact that I make friends at all my work and extracurricular type of places, I never get close with anyone on a level of where I get invited to anything. She's really the only one I text or anything like that. I love her, but it had been this way since I was 14, and now I'm 20, in college, Working, with people calling me "likeable", yet I go with her everywhere seeing groups of friends and young couples. That hurts. The lack of intimacy also hurts. I've only had one sexual encounter, and I hated it it was with a guy on Grindr who used very deceiving photos, I'm so glad i didn't kiss him. At least he didn't take that from my dream list. But that is something I won't do again... Anyhow, every year I've said since I was 13/14ish, I'm going to get a boyfriend this year. Yep. This is the year. Flash forward your years, and I've downgraded to this will be the year I go on a date, anyways, flash to now, age 20, no kiss, no date, no boyfriend. Whats worst is having crushes. Nothing triggers weeks long depression more than having a crush. Everytime I know that I'm not their type, not right for them, eh. I try to say hi or whatever but I'm always shy. Anyways this week, a really cute new gay guy started working at my place, in my area. And now I'm sad again. Why do cute guys have to exist, they make me so happy and sad at the same time. I know he won't like me, he's cute and everything, but I don't think I am. Just another person to look at and feel sad about. It really gets to me after a while.. why feelings are never reciprocated. I wonder what it is that breaks the deal for everyone. Anyhow, I think my sexuality is the biggest problem for me. Other gay guys just don't like me. Women have hit on me for years. A girl at my work sweetly asked me to a movie about a month ago. They always say ahh your tall and handsome. Lol thanks, to bad about my big tummy lol. I'm not like, obese or super fat, but I am very stocky. I'm a big and tall type who people call "handsome". This might be good enough for women, but I think most gay men just want the small cute twink-ish types, or muscle dudes. That's what my age range wants. And I won't lie, I like younger as well, because I'm young myself and i just have normal taste I guess. Anyhow, this new guy at work is super cute, sweet and despite being friendly the first few times I met him, is already distancing himself. I guess I tried to talk to him to much. At least I'm trying. I'm normally very shy but I've been making alot of friends at school and stuff lately. Never close, but still lots of nice "oh hi so and so" types of friendships. Lots of "how are you!".. "good!" lol fake it till you make it. I sometimes wish I was asexual. It will be another year in 2 months. Full of hope. Full of November bummers. This time of year always sucks for me when it comes to sadness. My depression literally has cycles at this point. I just wish I couldent have feelings for people. I wish I didn't think people were cute, or even worse, this thriving imagination that literally makes up the nicest stories with people I like in my head, only for me to snap out of it and realize what the situation really is like. There are a million other issues too, that I won't get into. Being a single-parent and child family not close with any other family members, holidays are just pretty sad in general, but this is what hurts me the most. I'm scared to see how long this is, but I needed to say it.
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self.depression
|
Wanna die really bad i got many health problems that make my life miserable: Kyphosis(which makes me look like a grandpa), ibs with constipation, plus i got severe social anxiety, i can't sleep cause my back hurts so much, my sex drive is dead cause of antidepressents my mum forces me to take. give me a reason not to end it all tonight
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Feeling of damnation everytime I sleep excessively Today I slept a lot and so I feel shitty. Im afraid to go back to my apartment in the city and not be able to get up, cook and do whatever Im supposed to. Im stable right now but Im afraid anyway...Im afraid being on my own will affect me negatively. Im sick of living in fear...I miss the feeling of just getting up...knowing what I had to do and doing it...and not being afraid of the future ...questioning my ability to function and so convinced that life sucks. This illness has changed the way I see things and my enthusiasm for life is dwindling...now every little frustration or nuisance takes me directly to a suicidal thought! So...what doesnt kill you makes you wish it had...? 😟
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self.bipolar
|
Am I missing something or is my friend taking the piss? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I realized I needed to let you go... I realized I needed to leave you behind when I started lying to myself. When I told myself that you were a good guy, that there was no one better than you. When I forced myself to believe your excuses, even though anyone could see that they were total bullshit. When I convinced myself that you were in the right and I was wrong. When I honestly believed that I was too unstable, too needy, too dramatic. That there was no reason for me to be upset in the first place.
I realized I needed to leave you behind when I spent more time huddled in my bedroom crying than in your bedroom smiling. When I lost my appetite from all the stress. When I wanted to stay asleep all day from becoming mentally exhausted. When I stopped getting excited to see you and started feeling an ache in my stomach on the drive over because I never knew whether you would be in a playful mood or whether you would be selfishly angry with me again.
I realized I needed to leave you behind when I changed into someone I no longer recognized. Someone who ditched friends and slacked on work. Someone who stayed up until four in the morning screaming their lungs out and sobbing into pillowcases. Someone who bent over backwards to forgive a partner who never returned the favor. Someone whose entire world revolved around a relationship that wasn’t even close to healthy.
I realized I needed to leave you behind when you stopped trusting me due to confidence issues. When you started looking through my texts and scanning through my recent calls. When you got suspicious every night you weren’t with me. By accusing me of participating in wild things when I was really just home, sleeping.
I realized I needed to leave you behind when I lost contact with almost everyone in my life because I either got defensive with them when they warned me about you or I canceled plans with them because I would rather spend time with you. When the people who mattered the most of me became an afterthought because you took center stage in my life.
I realized I needed to raise my standards when I kept staring at a blank screen, waiting for you to text me back. Waiting for you to apologize. Waiting for you to make a change. Waiting for you to show you cared. Waiting for you to give a damn.
I realized I needed to leave you behind when you broke my heart and I finally figured out that you never deserved it in the first place.
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self.offmychest
|
I️ don’t know if I️ can do this. I️ can’t breathe. My body doesn’t feel like mine. I’ve been suicidal for a while but today was the first time in a long time that I️ consider actually taking my life... I️ don’t know what to do. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday and I don’t want to live in a world where we aren’t together. I️ want to die. I’ve never felt pain like this... I’ve had depression and anxiety my whole life, it definitely played its role in this relationship and him leaving me has pushed it to a place I’ve never experienced before. I️ don’t know how to move passed this. I️ miss him already, I️ don’t want to be alive, I️ can’t breathe.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anti depressants completely changed my ex girlfriend! My ex girl was put on anti depressants in August time. She broke up with me 5 weeks later after her saying yes a week before that. We where basically together for nearly a year and we loved each other until I asked her out. The tablets changed her so so much. She became irritable, angry, couldn’t even look at me, she said she’s emotionally numb, couldn’t feel anything. She ended things and she said she wanted to be with me but doesn’t?! The tablets have defo messed up with her head. She doesn’t care and so insensitive. Has anyone else had this happen to their ex partner and what was the outcome? I really love her and I know she does, bc she was waiting for me to ask her out in July when we went on holiday but now she wants to be alone and not want a relationship? I’m head is so fucked and I can’t do anything. I have thought about talking to her doctor but I know that wouldn’t go down well :(
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self.depression
|
I am a horrible girlfriend, and I don't know if I can change [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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When I notice that my mind is racing, this is what has helped me. I️ start to ask myself questions and answer them in my mind or out loud, sort of brings myself back to reality. I️ ask myself: What time is it? What am I️ listening to on the radio? How fast am I️ driving? What street am I️ on? What temperature is it outside? What do is smell? What do I️ taste? What do I️ see? It can go on, I️ stop when I’m feeling more present.
I’ve noticed that this occurs to me while I️ driving or when I️m about to go to sleep. I’ll alter the questions depending on what I’m doing.
Breathing. Feeling my breath and counting it. I’ve also found headspace and yoga to be helpful. Going on a jog also gets all the extra energy and tension out. Also I️ cut out caffeine for the most part, just drink it when I️ have to get that paper in!
I️ know what usually triggers my anxiety, I️ try not to avoid it completely; instead I️ take it in, in small doses or try to change how I️ think about the situation. Relationship (parent-child, sibling, romantic, work, etc) conflict can make it worse, but I’m still learning how to fill that void by being more mindful and do things that keep me in the present moment. Also I remind myself to structure my mind so that I️ keep an internal locus of control. Journaling helps a ton with this, it allows me to evaluate my thinking patterns. If you’re in therapy, a bigger plus and more reason to journal! It gives you and your therapist stuff to work on!
Thank you for reading. I️ hope this was helpful to at least one person in the Reddit world. :)
(I️ typed this on my phone so don’t mind the typos)
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self.Anxiety
|
I've ran out of things to keep me alive I've battled with depression for a long time. Probably 25+ years. My mother died in 2012 of a very short battle with Cancer and it took its toll on me. My wife and I were long distance then (weren't married at the time, just, together, though apart) but I got through it because I wanted to be with her. I am now, married just over 3 years now.
I'm partially disabled and was receiving disability payments but, that was terminated. I have no income. I live in a foreign country. We are screwed now because of me. My wife is incredibly smart and gorgeous. I told her before that I know she could do better. I'm now holding her back more than I was before and I'm just tired. I'm tired of being a burden. I'm tired of all the pains and aches and I'm tired of... I'm just tired.
I think i've already made up my mind to do it. I am just waiting now to get my ducks in a row, so to speak. Make sure that it happens in a way that someone else finds me so she doesn't come home to me dead. Not sure if i'll do it at home. Maybe have myself a nice lunch or something. Maybe make her a last dinner or something nice. What would you want to be a last meal made by your spouse?
All I can think of is, I hope everyone will understand. I don't want people to think it's because I'm weak as opposed to I'm just tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Depression has ruined the best relationship I ever had I have battled depression and anxiety for some time. I thought I had it all under control. However, sometimes it gets so bad I have outbursts of anger and irrationality.
The past weekend one of my outbursts ruined the best relationship I ever had. As a 30 yo dude, im not sure ill ever be able to regain what I once had. i think I've pushed the love of my life so far away, there might not be possibility to repair this. i will end up alone forever, as it should be anyway so my tendencies dont hurt anyone anymore.
Needless to say, things have gotten really bad. Just needed to vent. Sorry guys.
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self.depression
|
Can't believe this universe would have this much suffering. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
It's coming back, and i've got a lot to lose. Hey r/depression.
So. To summarize my past experience with it, and give a bit of context : First got a deep depression at age ten, managed to get out of it myself. It still loomed above me until I couldn't function anymore during college. Took a year off to get better mentally. It did great, but I fucked up and didn't continue the treatment. I came back to college and managed to get a freaking amazing part-time job (I feel like shit talking about all of this because I've been so lucky in life in general.. I know depression can hit anyone, but, still.)
Now i'm in the beginning of the third year of college. Everything started nice enough ; But now, i'm in my appartment, missing days of school, not doing my work, not even getting out to buy food. Instead, I order from ubereats, which is killing my finances long term, but I can't bring myself to stop because i feels good to eat. I took quite a bit of weight too, which isn't helping with feeling good in my skin (I'm a woman who always have been skinny) Same thing with regular uber instead of just taking the subway. I always tell myself it's to feel better, to gain some time, but.. No. It's pure sloth.
When I say that I have a lot to lose, it's because i'm working at a great job, something I never even dreamed of doing before. On weeks when i'm at the office (is that the right english word ?), I put on a mask, like i'm the happiest person in the world. So, it's going ok here, for now. But on weeks when i'm at school (which is also, something I never though i'd be learning in my youth, a great school) ... It's hell on earth. I'm at the point where when I step in class I feel the tears coming slowly, until I can't take it anymore and I have to got out and cry heavily, for a good 15 minutes. I can't even suck it up, it's a constant, stupid stream.
There were a lot of things that didn't help when I started this school year (recent Ex boyfriend that sat next to me with.. can't find the word.. you now, "love" bruises on the neck days after our breakup, overall abusive friends, etc..) but it shouldn't have gone that way ! I even decided it was the year i'd become the best version of myself, learn so many things, and be more sociable, and I was doing a fucking great job at first ! And.. Then.. This. I'm not stepping foot in school anymore because I know I will cry, and that's heavily embarrasing.
The worst thing is that I have an awesome friend who helped me a lot last year ; But I know he can't continue helping me, I don't want my problems to add up to his problems. He's going to call me in less than an hour, I know it's to break the bonds.
I finally managed to get an appointment with a psychatrist in about a week. But I'm not quite sure it'll help like before.
I.. Don't know. Depression hasn't completely settled yet, I know I can drive it back.. But..
Something feels off.
|
self.depression
|
Everything I do is for female attention and I no longer feel worth anything as a person [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I know I'm not the first to say it, but dating is so damn hard. I'm in my early to mid twenties, attending a top 5 grad school, living in a big city with lots of young professionals, I have many interests, I enjoy cooking, I'm caring, I consider myself to be kind/loyal, I play instruments, I'm multilingual, I'm usually a lot more humble/down-to-earth than this post may let on :P ....and I really am having a hard time finding a relationship. I can't be the only one, but I also can't understand it. I can recognize that part of it is because I can be shy, which makes it hard to meet people. But, I've been using online dating and I try to show interest. I don't understand why dating is so difficult.
|
self.offmychest
|
Suicide Hello my name is San and I hail from Australia. From the start, my life hasn't been great. I don't have parents to support me and my grandad has recently passed away and my uncle has cancer. My girlfriend has broken up with me for no reason. She pulled the, "It's not you, it's me" line without any context. She just doesn't want to be with me I guess. So right now i'm thinking about killing myself because I guess i'm not overly valuable to anyone and lately it's just been getting worse. People have told me it will get better but everything has gotten worse. This is some fucked up shit and i know people have it worse than me and some might consider me lucky but i am really considering it. So if anyone can give me a reason to stay alive then i'm all for it but i see no reason so goodluck
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I did everything to get help and nothing helped Its been a year of me trying to find the right medication for me and nothing works. I've went to a therapist, psychologist, done exercising, art, weed. Nothing is making me feel better. I'm losing hope that I will get out of this illness
|
self.depression
|
I dont know why im writing this Im 17 and a senior in highschool. I fucking despise it. I can remember back to middle school where i would talk all day long and laugh and crack jokes with my friends all day. When family would ask if I like school I would respond with “My friends make it fun”. I cant say the same now. Every single friend I have ever had I have cut off and I dont know why. It always starts the same and always ends the same. Somehow i meet somebody and we click over something and we end up hanging out every single day. Fast forward a couple months and we dont even acknowledge each other in the hallway. This has happened 7 times. I dont know what is wrong with me. Everyday at school I dont say a single word, and if someone tries talking to me like a teacher its either a “ok” or a head nod. Its been like that for all 4 years of highschool. I cant even bring myself to doing my school work anymore, im failing my senior year. My other 3 years i could tolerate the work mainly becauseI honestly didn’t know what depression was. I just thought the way I was acting was normal or I was just an introvert. The only thing I enjoy doing anymore is going home and playing video games on my computer. Im on medication (Lamotringe) but i dont notice a difference. Junior year, I would think I was doing good. I worked atleast 20 hours a week ontop of school then once summer hit I was working 40 hours. During junior year i had met my most recent ex best friend, we dont say a word to each other anymore because I cut him off and idk why. I wasnt being an asshole but everytime I would get a text to hangout I would make up an excuse when in reality I was playing video games at home. I was still dealing with depression during my junior year, but it was just different. I had this thought in my head that im just going to have to deal with it and not be a little bitch. But now, i dont even see myself alive past 20. Im ok with dying, if it where not for my mom being here I would not be alive right now. Its kind of funny too in a dark way that when I walk through the halls everyday i see atleast like 20 people i used to be decently close with. I used to have my phone blowing up from sc my junior year because i had found a new friend group and I loved it. Now I dont even have sc and blacked out my acc and i ignore anyone that text me. I honestly just have this gut feeling im not going to live long. I also have this feeling that maybe I was just meant to be alone.
I know this is all scattered, sorry.
|
self.depression
|
Intrusive thoughts I'm a 23 year old female with bipolar 1 and psychotic features. I've been hospitalized for extended stays 4 times since my diagnosis about 2 years ago, and (after some horrible experiences) going back into a psych unit is my worst fear. I'm afraid that telling my pdoc about my intrusive thoughts is going to get me back on the fast track to the psych ward- I'm not a danger to myself or others but my thoughts are unwanted, violent, and disturbing. For example, I keep seeing myself stabbing myself in the eye with a syringe while I'm at work (I work in an animal hospital). The weird thing is that I don't feel depressed... but I can't stop seeing myself in "1000 ways to die" scenarios.
I guess I'm just wondering if I'm alone or if anyone else here has this particular little quirk too... and if I have to tell my pdoc.
|
self.bipolar
|
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