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Don’t know where to go or what to do All I seem to do lately is think about ending it, keep thinking of scenarios in my head about how I’m gonna do it. I was recently on citralopram but they were sending me loopy so I stopped taking them and I’m scared to go back to my doctors as I don’t want to be on pills for the rest of my life.
My depression spans from numerous sources but recently it’s been money problems that’s dragging me down, which is having a domino effect on everything else. My relationship is in tatters and I can barely look at my girlfriend without wanting to get angry or argue with her.
None of my friends know how I’m feeling as I’ve kept it bottled up and to my self as I feel they will think I’m attention seeking.
I’m no longer enjoying things I used to love doing as well. I have no get up and go and I just think I’ll be better off 6 feet under.
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self.depression
|
Have the option of going on Zoloft. Anything I should consider? I've always been anxious, but I would describe it as "neurotic" prior to pregnancy - sometimes I would work myself up into a full blown panic attack but it was rare - like, once every year. Since having my son, it has felt very much like a chemical imbalance - like, the feeling of a hot flash during pregnancy. Sometimes I'll be daydreaming in a meeting or just reading a book when I'll suddenly have a panic attack. I have a high stress, front facing job that often requires me to get in front of crowds of 200 people, so being so fearful of having an attack is starting to become a professional issue.
I had one "episode" of a massive panic attack where I thought I was having a heart attack, so I took an ambulance to the ER at 5 weeks post partum, but it's only now at 6 months that I'm admitting to myself/my doctor that something is really off with me. I was offered 25mgs of Zoloft.
Anything I should consider prior to filling the script?
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self.Anxiety
|
Cant stop thinking about suicide. ending my pain I just cant stop thinking about suicide. Its practically all i think about now. Sometimes i get my mind to think about something else, but i always go back to how much i hate myself, or how lonely i am and how i want to feel love again. I feel like im in constant pain every day. Trapped inside the monster that is my own mind.
I told my friend about some of my issues. He is supportive but i dont think it is enough. Nobody can understand what it is like to be trapped inside my horrible warped mind. I am such a fucking loser and need to end this pain. I tried twice this week. I tried last week but stopped taking pills because i got too scared. I downed the rest of the bottle before bed a few days ago after drinking. all they did was give me a stomach ache and threw up in the morning =( I tried to jump the day after but broke down on the bridge and walked home.
I cant even die properly. Nothing ever goes fucking right for me and i just want my pain to end. I want to be loved and for the prison that is my mind to stop yelling at me all day. I want to stop crying myself to sleep but i cant because i am so worthless and lonely =( Im on medication now but they arent helping at all yet. Does anybody else think about ending it all day like me?
My friends dont know how bad my pain is =( they cant possibly understand.
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self.SuicideWatch
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One of my best friends killed themselves last night I apologize for the format, I'm on mobile.
I would just like to spread some words around, maybe find some closure or something I don't know.
She was one of my best friends. She was always looking to have a good time with friends and when she wasn't doing that she was finding out when the next time her friends were going out.
All I've been able to do today is try to distract myself to keep myself from crying my eyes out and wondering if I was still back home with her if I could have done anything to help prevent it. I had no warning. There was only one person who got warning but it was so subtle they didn't think anything of it.
I don't know what to do. I feel like a light in a room in my mind has gone out and I can't do anything to fix it. I can't stand not being able to fix things.
I remember she made me promise that I would never kill myself because she didn't want to be here by herself. I was her only friend that understood what it was like to be depressed. I held true to that and I feel betrayed. I'm hurt and I feel robbed of a part of my future.
If anyone can give me any advice on coping with losing someone so close, please share it. I don't know what to do and I feel guilty for not being able to make it to her funeral this weekend.
I need help, and I'm at a loss.
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self.depression
|
Finally gone insane, dont know what to do anymore, identity crisis - Trigger Warning Hi,
so basically what I was going through this year was just insane. First half Derealization/Depersonalization, second half Depression/OCD but feels like psychotic, because everything seems so surreal. I was diagnosed with OCD and adjustment disorder btw. OCD and not psychosis because I know those feelings and thoughts are somewhat strange.
So basically I recovered from Depersonalization this year...but as the symptoms slowly vanished, I still battled irrational thoughts from day to day when suddenly my mind switched to: ur life is over. I was overwhelmed, suddenly paranoid of time/the date, feeling like I shouldnt be here anymore as the time went on and feeling like trapped in this concept of time.
This feeling...it feels like I shouldnt be alive anymore since August, like I shouldnt have lived past August and should be dead until August. It just feels like it is wrong to be alive, when I go to the hairdresser for example, my mind goes like this: You are dead inside, you died, you dont need to do this, you are trapped in hell, you shouldve killed yourself as I told you! When I look in the mirror: "Why are u still alive?" It just cant make sense why I am still alive, and I am super overwhelmed, feeling insane, because I know something IS TERRIBLY WRONG IN MY ORGANISM.
You may ask yourself why "August"? I dont know, I somehow wanted to be recovered and fine from mental health issues until August, I didnt know what would happen if I didnt recover until then, but my mind has adapted to my expectations and as the time went on without me recovering, my mind realized that and switched to this surreal psychotic limbo mode, so basically I guess false expectations triggered this mess in my mind.
I remembered when these thoughts sneaked in in the last week of July, I felt like after this week I would pass like a strange "threshold", like my old self had to die (idk it felt so strange, I just got very depressed, nervous and obsessed with the future and thought if I couldnt cope I may commit suicide, but I wasnt suicidal)
It felt like life after July was just black, I didnt want the future to come, but then there was the 1st of August where I had these painful thoughts that I cant live anymore and got anxious. And this whole "anticipation" made me BELIEVE that this is destiny and I cant recover from it!
Furthermore I told my psychiatrist that I feared that I'll lose myself in time, which I know sounds strange but I definitely felt like there would be no future for me and honestly I keep questioning how I survived the last months, making me feel like I shouldnt be alive because the feelings were so surreal. I cant stop thinking that this shit is something supernatural and keep questioning if people had already commited suicide if they would have been in my shoes, what freaks me even more out.
But I have no clue how to get out of that hole at all. I am depressed and scared to death. I dont know, this is just a nightmare and I am 19.
Unknown mental illness?!
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self.Anxiety
|
Bipolars couple - is it even going to work? So I've been trying to process this for days now, maybe you guys can chime in with... anything really. I just found out the guy I'm dating is also bipolar, and this made me wonder: I know how unbearable I can be when struggling with myself (still looking for the right meds, so it's a bitch), I've been avoiding any close relationships for years now, trying to keep things casual, but he makes it so difficult. I'm absolutely in love with him, but also terrified it's not gonna work. I mean I wouldn't want to be with me, but he seems not to care. Also I'm low-key worried it's gonna be too much for me to handle and hurting him is the last thing I want to do. And I'm on another ups and downs cycle, so exhausted with those mood swings, and my confusion doesn't help.
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self.bipolar
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Considering going to a mental health doctor. What advice do you have for a complete newbie in all this? (Better explanation inside) [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate food and my body I eat and I look and feel fucking disgusting. I had a delicious burger and 3 onion rings and 2 beers and I feel so awful. My gut is sticking out, I look fucking pregnant.
So disgusting.
I fucking hate myself.
I hate food.
I hate eating.
I hate my body.
I hate the way I look.
I hate the way I feel.
I recognize so many people look wayyyyyy worse than me. But that doesn't help.
I wish we didn't have to eat. I love tasting food, but I hate the way it makes me feel, both physically and emotionally.
Can't I just get an IV?
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self.offmychest
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I just lost my best friends because I'm a fucking asshole. Backstory for those who give a shit:
A few years ago, I ended up with a group to play Dungeons & Dragons. It's been three years since then. I've grown to love them and they are pretty much my only friends in my life.
Then, they kicked me out. Not for no reason mind. I've basically been using them to complain about my life and complain, and they finally got sick of my shit and kicked me out. Funny thing is, just before they decided on it, I decided to actually go to therapy. Looks like that was too little, too late. Not that I blame them. The deciding factor was that I told them I almost self-harmed, but was stopped by a dull knife.
I want to go back more than anything in the world, the even said that once I get help, I would be welcomed back with open arms, but I have a few bugbears. 1: I don't believe them. This whole situation will taint our relationship for as long as it exists. 2: I'm sure I'm going to relapse and be a fuck almost immediately after they bring me back. 3: I don't trust them. I have huge trust issues, and the fact that they discussed this away from me and more than likely won't tell me what they said hits that pretty damn hard. Maybe I'm just being unreasonable, but that is a serious breech in my opinion.
Whatever, I don't even know why I'm saying this, you all will exclusively believe me because you only have my side of the story, when, like I said, I'm the villain of this story. If any of you from the group found this and are actually reading this, stop. You'll just get undue sympathy for me and want to bring me back, completely forgetting why you kicked me out in the first place.
All this situation taught me is that I am destined to be friendless. Maybe it's better that way.
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self.offmychest
|
don’t want to live anymore i lost everyone i care about and i would kill myself but i’m too scared to do it. but i can’t keep living anymore. i have nothing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depressed, recently relapsed into self harm, getting slapped around by life every day. It just feels like life decided I was never going to make it years ago, and sometimes I don't know why I shouldn't just give up. Every tiny thing I try to do goes wrong so often it feels like a joke sometimes. This past week, I got held back from graduation a year by a fucking clerical error, I missed a doctors appointment (to get antidepressants) I made months ago due to an auto accident, I broke my glasses that I need to drive, and I started self harming again.
My struggle with mental illness and with myself keeps me spread thin already, and life constantly kicking me down like this makes living feel like an insurmountable task. I have a support system, and I love them all dearly, but its just so hard to justify trying sometimes. Part of me just feels like I should check myself into inpatient care, part of me wants to fight through it, but most of me just wants to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing
I havent had any of my psychiatric medication for almost two months now due to stupid bullshit on my part and doctors being difficult, and every attempt to get back on them just keeps fucking up.
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self.SuicideWatch
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is this normal pharmacy practice? Controlled Rx early pickups = no. I understand that one.
But what about filling a regular prescription and they "only have 7" out of 30, then 5 days later because you're going out that way anyway, you call to see if the rest are ready, and a different person tells you "it was a 7 day fill, you can't fill the rest until you're out". Wtf? It's a sleeping pill for Christ's sake. So it's ok to give me 30 at a time every month, but not ok to pick up the remainder they didn't have in stock before I run out? I've rarely used any other pharmacy however her shit tone by itself has possibly lost them a customer.
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self.Anxiety
|
Is this fair or a mental game someone is playing with me? A "friend" just told me that an ex friend of mine (let's call him D-who refuses to speak to me) told him that I had done 'very bad things' to him, and then D told him all about these supposed things, but then made my friend agree not to talk to me about it.
So in other words, I'm not allowed to know something I'm being accused of, but I am being punished for.
This has had me very fucked up worrying about fretting about what I could have possibly done, and I am also having serious doubts about my 'friend' and his choices & sense of justice & fairness
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self.Anxiety
|
I fell for a girl and i just wanna let it go I just wanted to let this one out.
I met a girl in my first semester in college. At first i just thought she was cute but as i got to know her i found her to be funny and interesting and pretty much amazing. At the moment it didn't go any further cause she was in a commited relationship.Now a few months ago we started to get closer and i developed a crush on her. A while later she broke up with her BF. Great timing right?
Not really.
Something you gotta know about me is that i have serious self-esteem issues (don't worry i'm taking care of that) also i'm pretty sure i'm slightly autistic, so when i get crush on girls i just don't know what to do.
These last two things matter because she literally kissed me three times before someone had to tell me that she kinda had a crush on me. At the moment i really trully coukdn't process that she might be attracted to me.
Now during this she was also sorta going out with this guy and it kinda turned into something and i'll be damned but the guy is a pretty cool dude, he always let's me smoke with him. Anyways people kept telling me to give it a try so i asked her out.
She never responded.
Then SHE asked me to hang out.
But then she just went cold .
So i thought it's cool it just wasn't meant to be. It'll be better to just be friends. I can meet new people yaddah yaddah yaddah. But then a few days ago we hung out with another friend. During that she was all talkative and interested in what i've been up to and i'm pretty sure she flirted with me when she saw i was checking out a cute girl but the she also talked about the other guy and what they've been up to. (Are these mixed signals? I don't know). Also they asked me if i'd like to travel with them the next day and said i didn't have the money she seemed sad.
At the end o the night i just saud my goodbyes and wished her a happy new year and she gave a long ass hug, a long ass emotional hug, a long ass emotional hug with kisses on the neck. It was heaven. I'm pretty sure i'm overthinking but that's not just a friendly hug.
Anyways i wanted to just be friends with her but now i can't get her out of my head.
Man it feels good to let this out. Also english is not my first language so i don't know if what i've just written made any sense.
To anyone who might read it thank you. Also if you'd like gimme some advice.
Thanks.
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self.offmychest
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Lately I’ve been deciding how I want to do it.. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm Very Afraid About Pretty Much Everything This will get very personal. If you feel like you might be triggered from a text post getting in depth about one's insecurities with no answer or conclusion, please stop reading. Also contains profanity, mentions of medication and self loathing.
When I was 18 I used to have daily panic attacks, every morning before going to school. I would wake up and induce vomit, just to stop myself from having to vomit in public if things got too bad. I started treatment with a psiquiatrist and started taking some anxiety meds. They made me a lot better and things got a lot easier as I went to college to learn psychology, inspired in part by my own struggles. Soon, I stopped taking my meds on my own, but it was OK and I lived on without any major crisis for 5 years.
Now I'm 23, I'm a psychologist working a dead end public service job. I'm also taking my masters degree. But it's tearing me apart. Last week I broke down at work and had to see a doctor. I thought I was just very nauseous from something I had eaten, but I was also having trouble sleeping.
As soon as the doctor asked my what was wrong, I tried saying I was having trouble sleeping and that I was stressed but I just started crying and could not stop at all. I got leave from work and went home. Things were ok, but everytime I thought about work or college the anxiety would hit.
I fortunately have a girlfriend who is also my best friend and a psychologist too. She is very comprehensive and helps with whatever she can. However, I had to go to my home town for the holidays. Is not something I'm obligated to do, I chose to do it as my grandma is very sick. My mother and sister are very understanding, but my father has lots of trouble with it.
My dad always had big plans for me, and althogh I am doing ok for someone my age and profession in my country, he never got over the fact that I don't want to be a doctor like he is. He interpreted my anxiety as not being happy with my profession and suggesting I go back to college to be a doctor. I am very uncertain about my future and feeling less and less safe and like the responsability for all I do is overwhelming.
I feel behind on my research and I have to present my project in february. I think everything I wrote is absolute shit and I can barely study because I keep procrastinating. I fucking hate myself for it. I'm always stressed so I never know if I should just rest or study. The less I study the more stressed I am, but then I hit deadlines and want to fucking die. The worst part is when my works are somehow accepted that leads me to believe I'm either a huge farse or that the professors pity me and don't hold me to the same standards as other students. Everytime I write I feel like I have to pull stuff out of my ass because I could barely read up what I'm supposed to be studying.
Shit got very real when I got a co-supervisor for my research, as my supervisor is getting her post-doctorate next year and won't be present. This guy is just amazing. He is smart and know exactly what I need to do to make ends meet. He always has something constructive to say about my writings. The problem is I am so very very very afraid to let him down, to show just how much of a piece of shit I am.
My job is just shit. Everyone that works there sucks and anyone trying to do a good job just gets chased away. I can't just leave though, as the market is very bad and I would be unemployed. My salary is such shit (about 660 US dollars per month, converted) I have nothing saved up. On the 2nd I have to go back there and I honestly don't know if I can.
I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to get addicted to meds. I don't know any psychiatrist I can trust and they are all realy expensive. I just feel like dying.
Please, I just want to talk to some strangers about it, as I just think I'm bothering everyone I know with my stupid problems. If you want to know about anything else about me, even if unrelated, please ask, as it makes me feel better.
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self.depression
|
My suicidal friend call me bloody useless how can I actually help her? I was on the call with her sobbing over her family situation I stayed silent I had no idea what I was supposed to say or do she ended the call - I repeatedly called back and sent her text messages to call me she replied by “useless” and “you’re bloody useless” - I don’t know what to do - how am I supposed to be useful to her? How can I help her?
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self.SuicideWatch
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How can I feel nothing? I need to find some ways of feeling numb, because I can't handle the constant changing between ups and downs anymore. I just want something to numb this pain. Please help
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self.depression
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Need some words which may push me a bit up [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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It's hard to end it painlessly Tried the soft-hang method with cord, constricted breathing and hurt, how can you want to die so bad in your 20s makes no sense but here I am. Family think I'm just giving up and running away from problems not realising what it is to have these mental oddities. To be honest it was as low-effort as you can get, can't even end it, just go back to work-slaving another week until next weekend.
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self.depression
|
Just some truths about life. Note: I was originally going to post this as a comment but it felt a bit too long and too broad to just leave as a comment. So it's here now. Just saying cause it would sound wierd at some parts otherwise.
Were all going to die someday. Fact of life. Besides, when you're dead, you don't have to worry about anything or anyone because you won't exist.
According to nature, the only thing you exist for is to reproduce so that your species may carry on its existence for the sake of upholding the ecosystem which in and of itself is an anomaly. We, as humans, break this natural order because we are smarter than everything around us and decided that nature can go fuck itself, we are greedy and and entitled to take whatever we want because there's nothing in this universe that can stop us.
People are naturally stupid and do stupid things. We are all victims of two things, fear of the unknown and addiction. We naturally fear the unknown and death is the single largest unknown there is. We are all addicted to dopamine, the chemical our brains release when we do something that our subconscious decides is good. Because if these two things we continue to live and fail to realize how much life really sucks.
There are two options, and only two, you either live until you die or are killed, or you kill yourself. Pick whatever one you want, because ultimately, it doesn't really matter. You are alive now, and it's your life to choose what to do with it.
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self.depression
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Loneliness is starting to be a major factor in wanting to end things So continuing off of my previous post https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/7fch4x/something_has_got_to_give/ I have been having an increasingly hard time with the whole situation. I am used to near constant social interaction between work, social media, friends etc etc. But now with no job, having to cut ties with my discord groups and others, countless people bailing on me, and the few people I have left on my side just busy trying to live their lives, it has become very apparent how alone I am. I find myself sitting watching TV for hours practically jumping at the phone when it goes off hoping for some sort of interaction, only feeling more and more crushed to find it's junk mail or public notifications. It's been killing what little self confidence I have left. I generally just feel like a burden to everyone now and keep coming back to the thought that if I were to kill myself then i would no longer be suffering, and no one else would have to deal with me needing them.
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self.depression
|
I Hate the People Who I Live With
Disclaimer: Don't read this while eating
So I live with 4 others in an apartment. Because no one else could be bothered, I had to take this massive overfilled binliner out (this was stinking the kitchen out and had been there 4 days). This was nearly the same size as me (I'm a petite girl), when I reach where the dumpsters are I try to throw it in. As I was doing so it split, and everything fell out. Withholding tears, I stared at it shocked and ran back to get more binliners.
No one offered to help nor did they care, this was their trash too keep in mind. So I spent an hour picking up their trash for them. These people are so damn wasteful. There was a full packet of frozen peas, a full pizza, a can of beas which spilled over everything, an in date chicken breast (raw) with salt and pepper on and a quater of a loaf of bread
The worst part was one of guy's sick smeared acrosd tissues.
No thank you when I got back. Nice..
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self.offmychest
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I don't deserve to live, but I don't know whether I want to die. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Terrified of summer So, I have what’s known as a “buffalo hump” and it’s basically a fatty pad on the back of your neck. It makes me incredibly insecure and when I’m in public I always worry about it and dress to cover it. Summer is coming and I’m so worried. There’s no way I’ll be able to cover it up. I’m already fat and I have scars on my arm and this is just one more thing for people to glare at. I don’t even want to leave the house. And I get overheated really easily so I can’t wear a sweatshirt or something. Any advice?:(
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self.Anxiety
|
Partial reasons to depression Let me please explain myself/my situation with dashes or bullet points. Might make it easier to finally pin down everything.
- I'm an idiot. Not in the traditional sense, but an idiot all the same. I would like to think that I am capable of deep thought, but overall, I just can't seem to get it right. A good example of this would be my inability to even slice a vegetable properly. I'm 21. For whatever reason my hands just... don't want to work. Aside from that, my hands seem fairly normal in function, so who the hell knows..
- I have little to no achievement in my life. Nothing worthwhile. Absolutely none. And even what can be considered an achievement isn't anything worth mentioning. This isn't to say I haven't worked on something, and put a hell of a lot of effort into it; it's just that nobody would give a damn anyways, because its so meaningless and so useless in terms of everyday life that why even say anything?
- I have got nobody. Allow me to explain. I certainly have a mother and father that help me out financially. My father even lets me use his spare room. But please let me explain, this doesn't mean that I grew up in a loving home. My father was a status oriented man. What I mean by that, is that he was driven to try and work and make his life better, which is fantastic. However, he was/is arrogant. Anything went wrong, well, he would take it out on my mother or I. He would either hit me, throw glasses or what not, or hit my mom once or twice. My mother was no saint either. If I remember correctly, she gambled away 200,000 dollars. I guess that would cause any man to lose his shit lol. But even when she got a divorce (after I had begged her to call the police one night after he had kicked her, and, injured her knee) she simply left me alone to fend for myself from sun-up to like, I dunno, 12 am-ish, just gambling or going out or whatever she did. She certainly wasn't working, that's for certain. So obviously, this is the part where you may go "oh well, they certainly seemed to have their flaws, but they still love you, right? They still care for you, they still try to give you what you need, right, even when your 2 decades old." And to that I say.. nope. See, my father only saw me as something he needed to have. He needed to have some sort of offspring in order to have what he wanted. Granted, from what I have heard, he worked damn hard for everything, especially considering he was an immigrant. Although, he likes to brag about how he came from nothing. After the whole divorce, I would be forced (or at least thought I had no choice) to get the child support money from my father for my mother, as she had a restraining order. Of course, everytime I would get into the car, he would always tell me how much of a failure I was, how my current friends were garbage, how I'm not good enough for not doing this or that. Y'know, the wonderful stuff. And of course, my mother would just try to use me in order to milk more money for my father, use me as some sort of middle man. And of course, I begrudgingly complied with this treatment, thinking I had no choice.
- See I also had a few other friends when I was growing up. One friend just... decided to be my friend, I guess, which was, honestly, looking back on it now, just chance. Perhaps one of those decisions that ultimately change how things turn out. Like, in one of those games where you make some meaningful decisions, you choose one or the other, to do something or not to do something, and that ultimately opens up a whole new path or story. It was kind of like that. Instead of becoming bitter and taking on more of my father's personality traits when I was younger (I had massive anger issues and maybe.. a superiority complex? I think that's what it would be? Idk. Kid arrogance at a top level) and instead humbling myself. This person.. actually helped change me and make me, well, certainly not a better person, because I'm, in the words of Phillip DeFranco himself, a "garbage person", but perhaps maybe less of one. And well, even with these changes, there's a couple things about me that I feel really, really held this friend back from being better. See, throughout, say, starting around middle school, I sat alone. I ate lunch alone, I didn't talk with anybody. I just only had myself. This wasn't because anybody was bullying me or anything of that sort, it was just because, well, of my own volition. If anybody wanted to talk with me, they knew where to find me. I didn't really fit in with anybody anyways, so this was what I was supposed to do, right? Well.. This carried on into high school, just sitting on the steps eating lunch by myself, waiting in the hall ways because I would just stop eating, etc. This friend... he would join me. Make sure I wasn't alone, for some reason that I coudn't figure out. This was a person, who, while lived close by, had no reason to do this. Honest to god, he should've ditched me. He would've had a lot more fun in high school. I held him back from having a better experience. I mean, yeah, there were fun times. But I mean, hanging out with some depressed kid who wore a green garbage looking coat and could maybe pass for one of those hungry kids on those commercials that ask you to donate? Yeah, I should've done something. Maybe he would've gotten all this unhealthy partying habits out of his system if I had, well, never known him. I encouraged his stupid drinking, because I thought it was funny at the time, and it seemed somewhat fun. I had never envisioned that it would get to a point where he would still get as drunk as he would. Maybe nothing would've changed if I wasn't around, but I should've done something that wasn't encouraging stupid habits, and I should've realized those kinds of habits become addictive over time. But then again, my words or opinions don't hold much weight anyways, even now.
- I've never had a girlfriend. Always wanted one, even still do. I mean, cool, can finally have sex and what not since, well, who the hell doesn't want to do that? But I mean, the older I grow (I'm only 21, but I mean.. I don't think it would hinder my point too much) the more I want someone to just be with me for the sake of making me feel like I matter and that I have someone that I can, for the first time in a long while, trust. Someone I don't have to put up a guise around and feel like I am enough and worthwhile. But of course, lack of achievements, lack of good looks (not exactly In the Arms of an Angel level of thin, but, my lack of muscle is quite disturbing), lack of any worthwhile experience (nothing really fun, just.... depressing stuff that nobody wants to hear about. It's not even as bad as it can get, which is worse, because it feels like it is, but it's not, so therefore, my experiences are worth moot overall. Just not worth much), and um... well, yeah. Nobody wants to be with some guy that's just.. not a beloved ray of sunshine. But even then, it's not like I'll just get with anybody either. I'm not so desperate that I don't care what the other person looks like 100% (shallow, maybe, but I imagine very few people disregard looks entirely when choosing if they want to pursue somebody), but I mean, just enough to have a baseline of attractiveness. Then the whole personality thing is what I like, but I mean, my interaction with people is bare minimum, and even then my social ineptitude still shows. But I guess, yeah: I want to feel like I matter to somebody, in order to feel like I have worth. I know that's wrong and unhealthy, but its hard for me to see the value in myself when I have failed so many times.
- Speaking of failure, I have failed academically in so many ways that it's actually a miracle that I am still attending a community college. Yup. See, I didn't even graduate high school. I lost all motivation to do any sort of school work, starting about.. 7th grade? Yeah, that sounds about right. With everything happening with my parents and some toxic friendships (didn't quite go over them before, but yes, there were some thrown in there) I just lost interest in school. What's the point? I just want to sleep/do something fun. Funny thing about that was, I rarely did anything fun in that stead. I just... failed, pretty much. Y'know what's even funnier about all this? I was completely capable of doing this and learning all this information. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And of course, people look down upon failures. It doesn't matter why or how they've fallen, they'll look down upon you regardless. So of course, school became a touchy subject for me. Anybody asks about how I'm doing, for like small talk, always answer I'm fine, doing 100% well, understanding material, even though I could be freaking out in my head about how I'm going to properly memorize something.
- That's another thing that's been throwing me off. I think my memory has gotten significantly worse, and I can't seem to pinpoint why. Like, of course, I'm not talking long-term memory; more so, short-term memory. I'll forget things because I'm too nervous/afraid, angry, etc. It's like the emotion I'm feeling quickly envelopes my thoughts and kind of turns my thoughts into something more linear and without depth. Like, I know I said I thought I was capable of deep thought, and that still stands, but I see what I currently go through as kind like.. a tide. It comes and it goes, but mainly when I'm around people. When I'm alone, thought process goes to the standard 100% or uh.. whatever percent that the brain gives to thought process. Anything after getting all worked up is lower. I dunno, it just throws me off. Maybe because I'm too worried about what other people around me may thing of me. Which is odd, right? We're told in this day and age that we shouldn't care what people think and that we should just be confident in ourselves, our beliefs, etc., but I just can't shake that. I just.. can't, because I don't have anyone to trust or to talk to anymore, and I kind of wish that I could have
that again.
- There's so much crap that I've posted about before that plagues me, but I guess this is the best I can do for the time being given that, well, I want to sleep. But I guess there are things that I have done that are, well, I guess not the most terrible of things (it's not like sexual assault like Harvey Weinstein and all that or pulling a Jared from Subway), but still things that definitely cast me as the villain and that I want to so desperately make amends for. There's probably things that I missed, because sometimes its hard for me to recount the exact details of the older stuff, but what I know is what I know and isn't just some fabrication to fit a narrative. And yes, I understand I wasn't raped or brutally beaten or just straight up tortured, but these are my issues that keep me awake at night and keep me from sleeping for hours at a time. I don't think I have much else to say, and I just wanted to feel like I can talk with someone, even though speaking through text and posts feels so robotic.
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self.offmychest
|
I need some help Right now I'm sitting sobbing and making ugly noises in my room because I really don't know what to do with myself. For a long time I didn't want to admit it, but now I sort of have to. I know I need help and I have issues, but I'm in a position where I can't really afford it..hence why I'm here now. My issue is mainly with my family. Somehow I'm a normal and functioning human being outside (I have friends, and a community outside) but whenever I have a conversation with someone at home, it turns into a huge mess and always ends up with someone crying or screaming. I have really low self esteem and I want to believe in myself but it's really hard to when you don't know what the issue with yourself is.
To elaborate on my issues, let me just preface by saying that I probably have depression or anxiety (things I never really wanted to admit) but that I can't be sure of because I haven't seen a professional.. I'm a lazy and brash person, also forgetful, which leads to a lot of arguments. I have a short temper, which makes it even worse, and also am really regretful afterwards and just sit there trying to breath. I just can't seem to make the right words get out during a conversation, and end up saying something really assholey and say stuff that I don't mean and make the other party get angrier. I just need some help on how to talk to people, maybe some tips on controlling yourself.
|
self.depression
|
HI THIS IS NOT VERY RELEVANT BUT I FEEL MANIC??? I WAS REALLY TIRED AND THEN I LISTENED TO LOTS OF GOOD MUSIC AND DANCED A LOT ON MY OWN BECAUSE ITS FUN AND EVER SINCE THEN I HAVE NOT BEEN TIRED AND I HAVE BEEN REALLY HAPPY AND I CANT SLEEP HELP AM I GOING INSANE I HAVE NEVER HAD THIS HAPPEN TO ME BEFORE??? THIS IS A SERIOUS POST!!!
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self.bipolar
|
I just want to feel human again. I want to experience joy and anger and sadness. I want to be able to properly grieve for my grandfather, who passed away recently and I feel like a heartless piece of crap because I simply can’t feel anything. I keep waiting for that kick-in-the-gut feeling, but it never comes. I want to enjoy my favorite foods and be disgusted at the foods I hate. I want to enjoy the things I used to love. I want to give a shit about what happens around me, but I just can’t. It feels like my body is on auto-pilot, doing things and reacting to different ways that my brain never authorized. I want to truly, deeply laugh and genuinely cry when my favorite character in a book or movie dies like a normal person. What pains me the most is that I remember what it’s like to be alive, and it’s not me. I’m just a walking, talking shell of a person with no idea what’s going on around me. I just want to be human again, dammit. Is that too much to ask?
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self.depression
|
29 [M4F] Trust No One **WHO AM I**
My name is Andrew and I am a 29 years old attorney living in New York. Im awkward, have social anxiety, make stupid jokes and then question them hours later and I definitely am a nerd.
At the same time, Im a great listener and reader of people. After just a short period of time I feel Im able to connect to people and understand things about them that they never knew themselves or could never put into words.
My interests include movies, sports, reading, writing and exploring new places and travelling!
**WHAT IM LOOKING FOR**
Im looking for someone interested in a long term friendship and someone to talk with on a daily basis. We can talk about our lives and you can express things to someone who is ready, willing and able to truly listen.
I want to find someone to have a genuine human connection with, someone to not only discuss our daily lives but what drives us, what scares us, what brings us joy and what brings of sadness.
Im looking for someone to have my back and know that I have yours. Someone who I can trust and share a sense of loyalty and mutual respect with.
**WHERE TO GO NEXT**
Shoot me a message in a nice little orange envelope and introduce yourself! You dont need your life story but Id like to know more about you!
What drew you to my post? What do we have in common? What are some of your favorite hobbies? What do you do for a living? What is something youre looking forward to? Anything to break the ice and get us talking!
Looking forward to hearing from you!
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self.Anxiety
|
I am being both mentally and physically abused by my mom. But I can't blame her, she is unable to control her anger due to some mental illnesses. I love her a lot but if this keeps continue, some day, I won't be able to stand this. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
The last 48 hours. The last 48 hours have been some of the darkest minutes I’ve felt in a very long time. I’ve been a long time sufferer of GAD and for the majority of my life post diagnosis, have been very stable.
Now I produce music for a living, and a lot of my work is done in Paris. The label that signed me flew me over to help produce some artist and sign split sheets, which a year ago, I did the same thing with stable levels of anxiety.
This time around was very different. The level of anxiety I felt being so isolated in this city threw me across the room. I was throwing up, I was balling my eyes out calling my mother in Toronto; it was truly horrific. And then it happened, I had a mental breakdown. Thoughts of suicide became so romantic and irrational thinking became logical. The only thing really keeping me grounded was the idea of flying back to Toronto in the morning. To fly back home meant everything would be okay.
Who knows if I’ll make it back to Paris. The beauty of my career is that it’s so easily done in my city. But at this moment, going back to Paris is so negatively conditioned in my mind.
So in the last 48 hours I’ve flown to Paris and back. The continuity of this post is probably scattered due to the sleep deprivation but I’ve always found solace in letting it out on here.
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self.Anxiety
|
Someone asked me how I was doing today Well Ill be honest. Ive slept 4 hours in 4 days, im in a manic state, Ive almost fallen 3 times already, I took a taxi to work because I don't trust myself to drive, Im out of Xanax til tomorrow and Im on my period. How are you?
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self.bipolar
|
It's just getting worse. I have bipolar disorder. I have been off of my medication for nearly 3 months now because of lack of insurance. I just got my medications yesterday but I am so depressed and so low I don't think anything can actually help me. And then on top of everything my cat got outside and is missing. I just don't see the fucking point to be alive right now. It's not getting any fucking better. I can't afford treatment, my cat is missing, I keep missing work and will eventually get fired, the list goes on. I just wish it were over. I just want it to be goddamn over. Why can't I just have the courage to end it?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can I stop being a human? Nothing makes me happy anymore, I feel very unattractive, all my crushes throughout my life have rejected me, my dreams about singing died, all my attempts were laughed at or booed off. I can’t sleep anymore, I have too many thoughts in my head, I hate myself, I fear the future, and that makes me a zombie everyday. I might be soon stuck in a career I will despise. I am a hypochondriac, I always get panic attacks and I’m incredibly lonely. I thought I have so much love to share. On top of that I am still a virgin. :(
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self.depression
|
My best friend's anxiety relapsed and he is starting to rely on tramadol instead of his medications. Please advise. As the title above, I need advise on this matter.
My best friend has recently discovered tramadol after his emotionally unstable girlfriend told him about using it every now and then. For the past week he has been taking it whenever they have any shortcomings. He keeps assuring me that he's not taking over 400 mg per day, he knows the seriousness of the side effects and he just wants to "escape reality for a bit" but now he refuses to take the medications his psychiatrist has prescribed him.
The worst thing is just yesterday we went to the hospital for his follow up and his psychiatrist has encouraged him to combine lexapro and tramadol for strong calming effect.
I'm not a professional but everything sounds terrible to me so caretakers of people with anxiety, I need your help.
I am having troubles expressing my concern and I'm afraid things will fuck up eventually if this continues.
Thanks and happy holidays everyone.
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self.Anxiety
|
How to deal with people who can't seem to be bothered with you? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
No one appreciate my existence tho Can I just die? Coz everyone that I cherished leave me, no one value me as who I am. No one was there when everything was shattered. I don't feel love, maybe I am better be dead coz I am lack of capabilities livng in this world. Why would I live in the first place? What's the reason? I just want to give up everything I had or rather there's nothing I need to give up coz I have nothing in the first place. I just don't want to live. Please take me.
|
self.depression
|
Does it seem like you're still invisible no matter how hard you try? I feel that I'm not even part of society anymore, like I lost my membership and can't even think about doing normal people stuff until I apply for it again. Like talking to women, normal people stuff, right? Feels like I'm not supposed to be doing that, like I'm not welcomed, like it's stamped on my forehead that I don't have this membership card anymore.
Ultimately what I'm getting at is dating, of course. I know all the statistics and all of the independent studies that people do that show how much more power is afforded to women on online dating and men typically get ignored unless they are in the top 10 percentile. But it's like I have this big flashing red light that only shows up on their screens saying "WARNING - DEPRESSED PERSON, NOT AN OFFICIAL CARD CARRYING MEMBER TO LIFE" EVEN THOUGH there is absolutely nothing depressing in my profile. I would say I'm moderately attractive, disclose I'm a homeowner/ adventurer/etc, have nice vehicles, good job, no debt, smiles, obligatory pet loving photo and I still don't even get a whiff of anyone who isn't built like a linebacker. Like I find it so hard to believe that not even one moderate attractive woman that isn't addicted to food swiped right on me, a gesture of absolutely no commitment or pressure, only to say that you meet at least their lowest expectations of looks in a partner... I didn't even reach it.. And I reflect that onto myself and get suicidal even though it may very well be that women swipe right on 1/100 people.
I dunno. Anyone feeling anything similar?
PS: In advance, fuck off with even uttering the term "incel". I get laid, I get matches bit none of them are really the one that you'd want to be with for the rest of your life.
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self.depression
|
I want to die. I want to die now. I’m a 17 year old girl, a senior in high school. I hate living, I can’t do it. I’ll never be able to explain all the things I’ve been through but I can hit the major points.
-I’ve had depression for so long that I don’t know what my real personality would be without it and that makes me very sad
-I’ve been bullied since I was a small child
-My mother is an absolute tyrant
-Everyone hates me
-I’ve tried for so many years to get even one person to appreciate me that it has drained the life out me entirely. I’m an empty shell, no one knows because I have to hide it or people will hate me more.
-One of my best friends (who I was madly in love with)committed suicide back in August and I’d rather peel off all my skin then have to breathe another breath without him.
- I thought I’d never love again and I don’t want to because I feel guilty, like he wouldn’t want me to move on from him. I love him
-I found a boy that is wonderful and is starting to light up my life again, with him I think I might be able to be happy again? This might be the first person that’s ever had such a pure love for me. But of course there’s a downside, he’s too young for me. It’d be close to illegal to date him even though we have been dating in secret for 2 weeks.
-I don’t have my license because my tyrant mother won’t let me get it, I have no freedom. It’s her way of making sure I’ll never escape.
-I’m forbidden from hanging out with this boy that I’m starting to love. He’s too young and my mother thinks it’s not okay. Even though he’s one of the few things that makes me happy.
-I’m exhausted 24/7 because of the depression. Haven’t had real energy for years.
Please help me, I don’t think I really want to die deep down, but all the evidence points to the solution being me not existing anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
“Please respect our children, there is no nudity acceptable in the locker room” At a public pool? [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
idk just some random thoughts im not going to kill myself, but i want to
it’s too much for everyone else, i don’t want to burden people even more.
i feel selfish even by thinking this
my family doesn’t care about my self harm and shit. (they’re still aware of it, and even threaten me about it)
not asking for sympathy or whatever, just stuff that’s on my mind.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Terrible anxiety Today my anxiety is at an all time high and I can’t fall asleep because of it.
I never drink anything with caffeine to it because I know how badly it affects me but today I had an iced coffee to help get me through my 8 hour shift. It didn’t have any effect on me The whole time I was at work but about an hour after I left, I began to feel extremely anxious. It started with me just not wanting to talk to anyone because of how nervous I was and now it’s to the point where my whole body is slightly shaking and I can’t fall asleep because of how worried I am for absolutely no reason. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow because I know I’ll have to go to work and face the world and risk feeling like this again.
My anxiety hardly ever gets this bad, but when it does It feels like the end of the world.
Please someone help me get through this and give me advice on how to fall asleep at least.
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self.Anxiety
|
One year balance, advice on how to deal with negative online professional feedback Hey guys,
Big hugs for all of you.
It's been a year since I attempted suicide and went to intensive care. Had a big bump back on October but now am back on track trying to live my life as best as possible. Some days are better than others but I'm getting there.
There has been a lot of issues but my main worry (I have anxiety besides depression) is my job. I've had some bad mobbing episodes but my bosses like me and see I'm productive. Unfortunately there have been some negative online reviews by constumers, citing the most irrational and out of my control complaints, like the weather for example. Some of them are ruthless and though the head staff trust me, it affects me cos I can't believe there's so much evil out there. Sure, there are things to improve always and I'm not perfect by all means. It's just that the pressure sometimes overwhelms me, topping it with the agressive attitude from other coworkers.
I'm just reaching out for coping skills for this.
On other note, my toxic relationship ended on December 31st. He called me specifically to leave me. It's been very hard for me although I know it's toxic and even dangerous for my health, but sometimes I miss him. It's just difficult to wake up to lies and the illusion of what you thought was love. I feel I'm damaged and gave so much in this relationship, just to have it thrown to the garbage.
Sorry if this was long. Am needing support lately.
Love
A.
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self.depression
|
As a life-long superhero fan, the saturation of Marvel/DC blockbusters has turned me off entirely [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Could Lithium (orotate) and B12 together greatly improve anxiety/depression/OCD,...? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't can't continue. It hurts. It all hurts. The end of relationship is just the straw that broke my back. I've been abused, raped, and thrown away. I'm unlovable and I'm so tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of having to be strong. Tired of doing it myself. Tired of the constant struggle. I'm tired of always weathering the storm. So tired of it all. The world is shit. People are assholes who just want to use you and throw you away. I'm tired of being a piece of meat to be used and spat out. I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore.
Hopefully, it's not long now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What's the point? My life will never be worth a fuck to me I want someone else's life not my dog shit existence. I'll never be anything I want to be, yet I can never bring myself to do it. I couldn't kill myself if I wanted to I wish someone could just shoot me in the head.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Welcoming Newcomers & Free Talk Thread - November 13, 2017 Greetings & Salutations!
Use this post to introduce yourself if you're new. Or maybe you're not so new, but haven't gotten around to introducing yourself yet in one of these posts. That's ok too! Either way, we'd love to offer you a warm welcome to our community. In fact, if you've introduced yourself before, why not take some time to say hi to the new people commenting here? What do you have going on this week that's giving you anxiety? Talk to us, we can do this together - **you're not alone in this**.
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###Question of the week:
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**Who is your hero and why?**
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**Come chat with us!**
That's right we have an /r/Anxiety irc channel were we hang out and talk about random things, or help those who are having a hard time. Tons of great people so feel free to stop on in and say hello! [Chatroom Weblink](https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/#irc://irc.snoonet.org:+6697/anxiety) : [More Information](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/irc) We also have a Discord server! To join, click [here](https://discord.gg/qPjH9Xu).
*********
[Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/index) | [FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/faq) | [Types of Anxiety](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/anxiety_subtypes) | [Online Resources & Downloads](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/onlineresources) | [Anxiety Chatroom](https://app.orangechat.io/r/anxiety) | [Anxiety Sub Community Map](https://redd.it/5ff4bn)
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self.Anxiety
|
My girlfriend made me feel so unloved on my birthday and I don't know how to move on. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I just yelled at my mom in front of the house keeper I’m feeling so many things rn! I’m so angry! I’m bursting out in tears crying hiding in my bathroom. I want to run away and just end all of this right now. I want to scream. I want to go smash the heads of every single person that has belittled me, insulted me, treated me like crap since middle school. I just don’t want to live in so much pain anymore. I’m losing locks and locks of hair everyday. It just comes out.
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self.depression
|
university and my parents are destroying my life I am in a seriously downward spiral right now in my first year of university. I'm living away from home which has been great - I really enjoyed making new friends and the freedom at first - until now. I was never good at math in high school, I got mid 60's in calculus. I'm at university now pursuing a computer science degree since I've always loved computers. My parents believe that i'm much smarter then I really am and I can't take this anymore. I'm going to end up failing my math exams in calculus and linear algebra and I had a meltdown the other day. I came home this weekend to talk with them and they either want me to push anyways to somehow pass my classes, which isn't what I want anymore. I can't take doing this math, it isn't for me. When I bring up other programs to swap into like history or communications, my parents shoot down these ideas and say they aren't good enough of a degree to get a financially stable job. I don't know what to do because most people tell me to do what I want, but my parents are the ones funding me to go to university, and are the ones threatening to pull me out of it if they don't get what they want, which I'm not good enough for. And now, so much of my life including friends is setup in a different city away from home that pulling me away is just way too much stress to handle. I'm losing my grip on any sort of control in my life and my future and I just don't know what to do anymore. Is there anyone out there who's been in a relatable situation? My parents are just so strict and always comparing me to my sister who's in an incredible business school, 2 years older then me, and really smart. Please help me try and decide on something i can do in this horrifying situation in my life. I am unbearably stressed out.
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self.depression
|
Post gallbladder removal anxiety Hi all,
I had my gallbladder out a week ago. The surgery went fine and I was able to get through it with little nausea and no vomiting! (Thank you so much for antiemetic drugs and scopolamine patches!). While the surgery itself is healing okay, I'm starting to get worried and freaked out about lasting effects.
Basically I've been having a lot of intense diarrhea. Anytime I eat anything it seems I'm in the bathroom very shortly with intense diarrhea. I get pretty nauseated and gassy before and then have to run to the bathroom.
This whole thing has got me freaked out because I'm terrified it's going to somehow develop into throwing up somehow. I even called the nurse to check in with her about it and she told me to give it a few more days, stay hydrated, and eat as bland as I can. It's too soon to really tell if the even more bland eating is helping, but I'm terrified it won't. Post op appointment is on Monday.
To people who have had their gallbladders out - did you experience this? They did tell me to expect some diarrhea, but I'm terrified this is something different. I need to force myself to stay off of google more, but of course I've been on there freaking out... seeing everything from it's normal and it will pass in a few weeks to it's life long to pancreatitis and cancer.
I have been so incredibly stressed and scared from this entire situation. I was so hopeful that once I had the surgery my anxiety would ease up a bit... I'm not sure that happened :( My doctor even prescribed me a months worth of klonopin to help get me through.
I'm supposed to be back at work next Tuesday and am terrified thinking of it and how I'm going to even get through a day :( :(
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self.Anxiety
|
Still here, still want to die I know i post here so often you could probably disregard everything i say as bullshit, empty threats but honestly im worried, i really do think ill kill myself soon.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
"Friends" Has anyone else just lost all desire to try with "friends" amymore? They keep bailing, so it must be you, but you haven't changed?
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else have so much they have to do that they just end up doing nothing? I'm under a lot of stress right now with going back to school, starting a new job and being a mom of 2 at the same time. I have to hire a sitter for my daughter, which means I have to post an ad and then actually *interview* people. In person. And then tell them if I want to pay them money to watch my kids.
My house is also just disgusting. Toys everywhere and laundry and dishes and just random shit. It's not like hoarders level and it's respectable enough but it needs a good deep cleaning.
I have to work by myself for my first time ever tomorrow. Customer service.
I have to figure out school loans, find a way to buy these ridiculously expensive textbooks, buy supplies for school, clean my car out, go grocery shopping, sell stuff on eBay and donate the rest of it, and try to get 8 hours of sleep because with my anxiety I've been managing about 4 and that's not cutting it anymore.
I feel like I'm constantly about 30 seconds away from a panic attack. If I think about how much I need to do I can feel myself start to hyperventilate and my chest seizes up and my whole body feels tense and I start clenching my teeth. So the only way I can stop it is to lay down, get out my tablet and play candy crush. I actually did that for two straight hours last night after the kids went to bed without even realizing it.
Anyway this is rambling and stuff I just needed to get it out.
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self.Anxiety
|
feeling weird lately i'm just having a weird time. i'm really worried i'm getting bad again. this is a fear i've had for a few months after being pretty stable for about a year (including ~4 months of UltraStability™ where i was just focused and healthy as fuck). i've just had this on and off feeling for like a month or two that something's off. and for a while i was able to brush it off as just normal stress and stuff, and that totally could be. but the feeling is just not going away.
my sleep cycle is getting fucked up-- that's a bad sign for me. i don't know. i could also just be over blowing end of semester (and actually, graduation stress). but then graduating is a whole other issue, ha-- existential crisis time with a semi-useless degree!
i just feel weird lately. not bad but like... getting bad if that makes sense. weird social interactions, agitated, crying for no reason, staying up late... any thoughts or comments would be nice.
good luck during finals/holiday season for all you out there. i think this time of year is tough for anyone (especially if you live in icy cold western NY like i do lol)
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self.bipolar
|
The victim becomes the victimizer Well where to begin. I suppose the start is as good a place as any. This all began when I was really young. I'd say about 5 but I can't be certain. My memory from my childhood is hazy at best, probably the result of me repressing dark times. My sister was around 10 and she would come into my room late at night and make me perform sex acts on her. The type with my tongue and her vagina. I never enjoyed it but at the time I thought it was just something that older sisters did to their brothers or something. This went on randomly for a number of years. One time I told her I didn't want to do it anymore and she threatened to tell my father what I had done (my father had and still has severe anger issues and would beat us for the smallest offences. For some sort of scale, he once took all our Christmas presents away and beat us all because we were 'celebrating too loudly'. Merry Christmas to us) so I continued to do as she wanted. God help me, I actually began to enjoy it. I thought it was just what people did and I was ok with it
In elementary school I developed a relationship with a girl in my class and it led to us touching each other in private places often. I don't regret that part of the story though, she was my age and not my sister so it wasn't creepy. Still, I think it helped reinforce my overly sexual behaviour as normal in my mind.
Anyway one night when I was 11 I tried to initiate things by entering her room and touching her. We had stopped for a few months and I thought in my twisted mind it meant I was supposed to start initiating things. Instead, she woke up and screamed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, I'M YOUR SISTER!" It shattered my illusion of myself, right and wrong and everything i thought was normal. I cried that night until the morning at the realisation of what a disgusting person I had been, to participate in what happened and to have actually enjoyed it. For weeks I burst into tears at random times but whenever someone asked I just said it was the pressure of starting a new school (I started middle school maybe a week after that night)
I was miserable but I thought I'd end up ostracised or jailed for my crimes against humanity so I didn't tell anyone what I had done. I started telling jokes to distract people from my misery and got so good that people eventually stopped asking.
But as a boy develops, his interest in the fairer sex does too and this was no different for me. Unfortunately I had to also deal with a crushing sense of guilt and dread which haven't left to this day anytime I get close to a woman. It's like there's a voice in my head that constantly reminds me what I've done and that I'm a piece of shit who shouldn't even be alive. We would have loads of dances in school and I would freeze up around them. I couldn't talk or dance because I felt like if they had the chance to get to know me they would see what I've done and run away.
But this is the story of the victim who went on to victimise so don't go feeling sorry for me. Whilst I was (and to this day still am) useless at getting girls by the normal means, the experience i had to draw on that was successful was touching and groping. I'd say a good 75% of the time it was unwelcome by various girls but it's all I know. I don't feel good doing it, actually it disgusts me that this is what I do but I know. I used to write lines down from shows like fresh prince of bel air to try to emulate what they did and then watched hours of YouTube videos on how it's done but it's like a child putting on his dads shoes and saying he works for the bank. It just doesn't work.
I read a lot of threads on Reddit and when I came across #MeToo over social media it once again gave me a clear view of the monster that lives in the mirror. I was small and shrimpy when this started but eventually I had a growth spurt and became quite tall. I can only imagine the discomfort and fear some of my victims must have felt as a big and tall male started to touch them against their wishes. To be clear, I never raped anyone and it was always over clothes i.e. I never put my hand up someone's skirt and 'grabbed someone by the p****' so to speak but that's no excuse or defence.
I don't want to be like this. I've considered confiding in someone but who could I trust to keep something like that strictly confidential? A doctor I'm sure you're saying. Even if I had the money for that, I don't wanna spend hours just to find out that my condition has a name
So yeah, I've grown to be a socially awkward creepy weirdo because of something that happened so long ago I can't even fully remember it. Yet the scars show to this date. As I grow it weighs more on my mind. I can't tell my friends which puts a wall between us. What's felt sort of true for most of my life manifests more and more each day; that I'm the outsider looking in at healthy happy people. I almost feel like I have no friends because none of them know the real me. Not really. Last week one of them asked me what I'd like for Christmas. I told him I'd like to be dead. He laughed because he thought I was joking. I smiled because it was the first time in a long time, if ever, that i felt I'd been completely open.
Tl;dr - my sister abused me as a child and I've gone on to abuse (on a smaller scale) other women.
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self.offmychest
|
All I want for Christmas is girlfriend who will love me. I know it’s pathetic, i know men shouldn’t be weak, but loneliness hits me hard during holidays.
|
self.depression
|
It’s been 4 years and they still don’t like me. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Worried that sertraline (Zoloft) is making me feel worse I’ve been on Zoloft for about 3 months now, and it felt like it was working for a little bit, but over the past couple of days I’ve been having sudden feelings of complete isolation and general sadness (sometimes thoughts of suicide). I read online that Zoloft can increase suicidality in people my age, but I’m worried to stop taking it this close to Christmas and right before uni exams, and end up barely getting out of bed again. I can’t talk to my doctor because they’re in another city, but I don’t want to fuck around with my meds’ by myself. Anyone had this experience? Any advice?
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self.depression
|
Nothing at all? I've been doing a lot of reading and can't tell what's going on. My meds were making sick, and I was going through what felt like a mixed episode (manic, yet depressed, suicidal, etc.). I called my Doc and he lowered my antidepressant (MAOI Inhibitor), after about 48 hours my mood changed, but now it's about 3 days of not feeling anything at all. Not happy, not sad, not depressed, not suicidal, I mean like nothing. I've been bipolar for 20 years and have never felt devoid of emotion. Quite the opposite there's always been an overabundance of it all the time. I do feel a little anxious, but it's not unbearable and I'm not having panic attacks like I normally do. I've been enjoying the break from the roller coaster, but it doesn't feel right and I can't tell if it's because I'm just used to being emotionally charged and this is something like normality, if the med is doing what it's supposed to, or if this is just some part of being bipolar I haven't felt. That last one would seem odd to me after 20 years of living with it, but not outside the scope of possibility. I am still on all my meds and am not going to stop taking them just for record. I know that's always a concern when one of us starts feeling better, but then I'm not feeling better. I would explain it as apathy for lack of a better term.
|
self.bipolar
|
JFC kids on discord So I hopped on a new discord server, expecting some cool people, it seemed ok for about 30 seconds, then I noticed that they had a roleplay section and t was constantly getting posts. I hopped in and found that they were all just doing sexual shit, and I wasn't about that so I hoped on out of that channel. Well it's a good fucking thing I did because I shit you not, I found out 10 minutes later the three that were roleplaying were 8 years old, 10 years old and 11 years old, JFC, and when I said something they all got mad at me and then started crying -.- they turned a perfectly good day, and fucked it up with their BS and getting angry at me for being a responsible person. ((Normally I wouldn't get so tilted over what a couple of kids have to say but they got the admins involved and that wasn't exactly fun -.-))
|
self.offmychest
|
Being a workaholic Ever feel like you work 40+ hrs/wk just so your so tired you cant find the energy to be emotional and make rash decisions?
I just quit being a paper boy interrupting my sleep haveway thru the nite after 4 months of it. With more sleep i feel more emotions around but now seem to have a hard time finding the will to be conscientious of my emotional actions, even good ones.
I set the boundary, I acted reserved, but one bad timing and i make a mess with a decision that doesnt affect other except by their emotional response. Im the emotional one dammit, stay in your lane neurotypical folks.
Its a choice between sleep and emotional mistakes, or work and ambivilance, you feel me?
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self.bipolar
|
Does Tylenol really decrease anxiety or do you find it makes you more anxious? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don’t want to go to my friends place. I don’t want to answer my emails. I just want to sleep. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
i cant stop crying im a 23 male,and theres this knot inside me,i was just contemplating on my parents lives,both there fathers died when they were about 8 or 8 and my moms brother died as a gangster when she was in her early 20s and im just crying...
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self.depression
|
I don't know what I am doing on this Earth. Thinking about what I've done that was actually impactful in my life, anything that was worth it. Nothing is with me right now. The whole idea of 'starting a new day' but I feel like there's nothing foundational to build on.
|
self.depression
|
Everyday I check here and UnsentLetters Hoping and wishing you would have something else to say. I leave so many notes hidden throughout the internet for you to find, I wonder if you’ve seen them and known it was me. I wonder why I do it. I wonder why I keep hurting myself like this. I thought I went through all the steps; I cried, I hated you, I wished you the best yet still I’m waiting for something.
|
self.offmychest
|
Finally kms People only care after you've died. I don't have anyone to day bye to. So bye
|
self.depression
|
Stomach pain with ZOLOFT 25mg Help Hi all I’m still struggling a lot of eating. I get stomach pain when I eat at night and start sweating. It makes me very nauseas as well like right in the middle of my stomach. Anyone else experience this issue? I keep thinking there is something wrong with me but my doctor said it’s irritable bowel syndrome.
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m going to start outpatient care. I’ve been going through an extremely bad bout of anxiety/depression. In the past going on Prozac has helped and I was quickly able to get back to my daily life. This time that is not the case. I have gone up and down during the last 5 weeks having extremely good days and extremely bad days. I’m now at the point where I know that I need more intensive help. Does anyone have any positive experiences they can share? I’m extremely nervous about the outpatient care and potential change in my medications however I know that I can’t go on like this anymore.
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self.Anxiety
|
Stressing About My Best Friend Trying To Kill Themselves [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else feel like they fail at being human? I can't do anything right. And I have no aspirations in life that matter. I don't want to get married or start a family. I don't have passions for anything that I can get a decent job with. I think I'm always gonna be miserable. I can't even drive decent distances without getting really anxious and panicky.
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self.depression
|
I can't remember my therapist's face? I wanted to make this post for a while, but decided to wait for a few more months and... nope, still happening.
I started seeing my pdoc and therapist at the same time, around last September. I only see my pdoc once per month, and each appointment goes on for 10-15min. It took a while (like it does with all new people you meet, right?), but I was finally able to remember her face a few months ago. However, I see my therapist every 2 or 3 weeks, and I talk with her face to face for about an hour, yet I can't for the life of me remember her face. I just know she has curly hair. Like I said, I thought it was something stupid and that I would finally remember it at some point, but it's been 8 months already.
Is this something common? Like I kind of dissociate during therapy (I don't think I do) or like my brain doesn't want me to think about her and what we talk about (we also talk about my abusive childhood)? Again, I didn't think this was relevant, but since it's therapy-related, it piqued my interest.
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self.bipolar
|
Depressed without the mental aspect? So I just came down from a manic episode about 4 days ago. Physically I’m acting exactly like when I’m depressed, but mentally I’m not. Normally I constantly ruminate on negative thoughts, feel overwhelming hopelessness, and suicidal ideation. I don’t feel any of that, but I’ve been isolating in my apartment, not showering as much, kitchen is messy, and not eating healthy- exactly how I am when depressed. Just curious if anyone has episodes like this?
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone ever feel... weird after opening up to someone about anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Stuck in a rut I can't get myself out of [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Conversations With Anxiety About 4 months ago, I started writing out different scenarios in which my anxiety and I interact. Some of them are kinda ridiculous (humor is my coping mechanism) but I've found this very cathartic.
Here are a few:
Anxiety: Hey, so my mom kicked me out and I need to crash with you for like a month or 12.
Me: I'd really rather you didn't.
Anxiety: Oh, I know, but you don't have a choice.
Me: Okay, this week isn't so bad.
Anxiety: But what if it gets worse? It's only Thursday.
Me: Shh.
Anxiety: Honestly, though, what if you die in a car crash tomorrow? Week ruined.
Me: Okay, I can check "send email" off my list.
Anxiety: After two months of it being on there.
Me: Still, I did it, right?
Anxiety: But how do you think they'll respond?
Me: Oh god, I don't want to think about it.
Anxiety: Well, do. Do think about it. A lot. Just don't check it for a month or so.
Me: I am a worthwhile person, damnit!
Anxiety: Then why are you the only one telling you this? In a mirror? Kinda pathetic.
Me: No, please. No. I am. I am worthwhile. Right?
Anxiety: Name one other person who has said so.
Me: My therapist.
Anxiety: And how much do you pay him?
Me: Fuck, I'm worthless.
Me: This sucks.
Anxiety: And if only gets worse.
Me: Can't it get better?
Anxiety: Nope. Only worse. Seriously, turn on the news. Shit sucks always.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I Tried I took a bunch of pills last night because I was just so overwhelmed with everything. I realized it was stupid after I took them and I told my mom. She literally had to force her hand down my throat to get me to throw the pills up.
I'm kinda happy she did that, but also angry because I don't want to live anymore. I'm tired of it. I don't know. I just had to get that out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Lexapro and apathy Has anyone gone through this? I didn't realize how emotionally numb I was until yesterday when I received, quite possibly, the worst news of my life (mom + cancer). I feel guilty for not having the proper reaction.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm afraid I'm going to get arrested About two weeks about I stole $100 from work because I was short on rent and afraid of being evicted. I intended to replace the money with my paycheck coming up but they found out this morning, two days before I could even come up with the money to replace it. I feel sick.
I've never been arrested before, I've never even done anything like this before, I was just so afraid of being homeless and now I'm afraid I'm going to jail. I know it was wrong when I did it, I just didn't know what to do.
They were searching the cameras before I left and I'm sure they're going to find out it's me. What's going to happen? What if I just never show up for a shift again?
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self.offmychest
|
really terrible headaches that only last a couple of minutes? my anxiety is going crazy thinking that i’m literally dying
i sometimes get these super super terribly bad headaches where it hurts so bad i actually feel like i’m going to die from it. light hurts and moving hurts and everything hurts, but it’s only there for a couple minutes and then lessens severely/goes away.
as far as i can remember (my memory is kinda shit) this has happened to me twice now. once i woke up in the middle of the night and felt it and now once at work. there doesn’t seem to be anything that directly triggers it, especially since it happened while i was sleeping. i don’t know what causes it or what helps it i’m just wondering if anyone else is experienced this because my anxiety has been very high the last few days and i’m wondering if that contributes maybe
|
self.Anxiety
|
Attempting to explain what my anxiety feels like, needed to share Everything hurts. My head, my face, my hands, my stomach. It’s all tense and tingling. Breathing in hurts, breathing out hurts. Thinking of friends hurts. Nowhere feels like home, everywhere feels hostile. I feel as lonely alone in my room as I do in a room with 20 people. There seems to be no reason for me to do anything. Eating, showering, tidying, it all seems superfluous when breathing takes most of my energy and willpower. And then there’s the thoughts. They rush around my head in a never ending infernal circle, making me reach the worst case scenario conclusions, unable to consider any other options as realistic.
It’s like I am stuck in an aquarium in complete darkness, in a foetal position, with a hundred radios on. Some are saying I am not good enough, and never will be, some are saying everyone will eventually abandon me, that I am too quiet, transparent, boring and forgettable. Others are playing tunes that say I am broken, stupid, and irrational. Others are just repeating ‘what if’s' with worst case scenarios. And everyone is walking around my aquarium, I can see them, and they can see a distorted version of me, but we are disconnected. They can’t hear all the radios, so they can’t tell what is happening to me, just that I’m “off”. And I can get out of that aquarium, the walls are too slippery. There will be days where I get closer to the opening, and I feel good, but I can hear the distant noise of the radios, and I know it is only a matter of time before I slip right down back to the bottom. And so it goes on…
|
self.Anxiety
|
not worth reading just me writing how i feel Some of the only times I get really depressed is at night when Im alone, these always hit the hardest, my mind races from one depressing thing to another. I have zero self confidence and hate myself at least 25% of the time. I've never had my first kiss, and have never been in a true relationship. I hate the way I look, and act. Most of my friends are smart or have something they excell at, I dont. They all talk about the colleges and the plans they have, I am joining the Coast Guard on a 6 year active duty contract and have no fucking clue what im doing after that. I have zero hope, and always end up with the thought process that Im gonna die alone, which fucking terrifies me. I dont even care if anyone reads this, its making me feel slightly better venting my feelings to no one. I have good friends, but im lonely as fuck and just want to feel love. I could never kill myself, I wouldnt ever do it. Death scares me to some point, the thought of Heaven and Hell terrifies me more than anything in the world. I just cant wrap my head around "Eternity" it fucking scares me. I dont want it to go on forever, but I also dont want it to end. I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT I WANT. god fuck me and my stupid ass head. I hate myself so fucking much.
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self.depression
|
What can you do when you feel like everyone around you is miserable? I feel like I am surrounded by people who are miserable and I'm starting to think that has played a role in why I started struggling with depression in the first place.
My coworkers are super negative and petty. If they're not talking about someone else behind their back, they are talking about how much they hate working here. There is no real camaraderie among students. No one really likes each other, nobody hangs out together and they actively root for other students to fail. It's one thing if this was once in a while, but they sit at their desks doing nothing but talking about these things everyday, almost all day. I try to ignore them and not engage in these conversations now, but I can still hear them when I'm in the office (we share one office).
Then there is my roommate who is also incredibly negative and drab. On one hand I feel bad for her, because she is nice enough, has her own issues, a horrible family life and I don't think she has a single friend. But, she too constantly looks for sympathy and often has to turn the conversation to be about how miserable she is even when it is not related to the conversation at all (No, I did not know her before I moved in). She always has to one up you so she can prove her life is more miserable than yours. I've come home a few times to find her totally wasted and alone, taking shots or drinking entire bottles of wine by herself. I often try to avoid her but that usually means hiding in my room since we only live in a small 2 bedroom. Sometimes I feel like I can't do the things I want to, like watch TV or play playstation because I know she will be all up in my business.
So, I feel like I go to work and am surrounded by miserable people and then I go home where I am surrounded by even more miserable people.
I'm not sure what else I can do besides avoid and ignore them, which clearly isn't working. I can't just quit my job because I am a grad student and I can't move right now for a number of reasons.
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self.depression
|
Can anyone tell me what this is? This is what I'm doing that weirds the hell out of me.. this is what I'm doing that weirds the hell out of me. See what I did there? Yes, I'm repeating myself but not out loud and only to myself. Sometimes I repeat myself in a lower voice and sometimes in my thought. This sounds like echolalia but I'm not on the autism spectrum and this only occurs recently. Could this be OCD of some sort or side effect of the antipsychotic I'm on (I've got a lot of unique side effects on Invega so far and they're annoying). Can someone point me to the right direction? I just met my psychiatrist last week and I don't want to call them for something relatively minor. Thanks fam!
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self.bipolar
|
Should i apologize to my boyfriend for how i treated him this morning? Last night we almost had sex but I got too scared and stopped and he got annoyed. This morning when he left for work he tried kissing me and I turned my head and yelled and told him to leave me alone. He just got really really quiet and touched my arm and said "ok. I love you." He came home for lunch and he tried hugging me and I just walked past him and went into the bedroom and locked the door. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just really sad and down today.
Should I apologize to him?
|
self.Anxiety
|
When you call all your ex lovers in the same night just to say what up
|
self.bipolar
|
What are some little things you do to help yourself cope? I need some new coping strategies. Little things I can do to get my mind off of things. The unfortunate thing is that I don't have much energy, so even basic things like buying something for myself or doing yoga seem too overwhelming.
What activities help you to deal?
|
self.depression
|
I miss you. I miss you. But i like being apart from you. I like that you are happier without me. I like that you don’t have to stress over our incompatibility anymore. I like that you changed me. You showed me parts of myself i had never seen before. You tore down my walls. Walls that my pride and fear had built up my entire life. You made me humble. I look at all my designer clothes and all i want to do is sell them and donate the money. You made me realize i could be loved. But you also made me realize you can’t treat people like shit and blame it on your traumatic childhood. You helped me stop playing the victim. You helped me heal. You helped me forgive. You helped me get rid of all the hate that was poisoning me my entire life. I am eternally grateful . I love you, I always will. Even if my love is not really romantic anymore, i fucking love you as a person, as a friend, and as a human being. Thank you. - O
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self.offmychest
|
Lonely and Frustrated I'm having a lot of trouble breaking the loop of feeling lonely and subsequently working my ass off to try and meet someone. I've basically heard every piece of advice imaginable from people but it's usually something along the lines of "Just stop thinking about it so much" or "Don't worry about it". But honestly? It's been 7 years since I actually dated someone for a substantial amount of time. 7. Fucking. Years.
My 2 month bout of happiness with this one girl who changed her mind was now 2.5 years ago, and I'm still thinking about her just about every day. I don't want to think about her anymore, I want to fucking FINALLY meet someone else and move on. I want everyone's "don't worry, it'll happen" *pat on the back* to actually fucking amount to something tangible and real for once.
It's an obsession I know, it's a constant loop in my head. My doctor thinks it may even have some correlation with obsessive compulsive disorder due to the inescapable nature of these thought loops.
I don't think anything's wrong with me anymore. Everyone tells me I'm such a catch and how I'm going to make someone so god damn happy "SOMEDAY". But I've yet to see an ounce of ROI for all the effort I've been putting in.
At this point I've volunteered for at least 10 different events, I've played on several co-ed sport teams/leagues, I go to EVERY house party/outing/social function I'm invited to. And.. fucking nothing.
I can tell you with no exaggeration I spend at least AN HOUR, DAILY between all these shitty dating apps: Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, PlentyofFish and Match. Factor that usage in over the last 4 years and that's just over 1600 HOURS of swiping right for conversations that go nowhere, being stood up, fucked around and overall disappointed.
I wish I could delete them all and never look back. But you know what? I have no other options. It's literally better to throw out this <0.01% chance because my regular life doesn't provide fuck-all in terms of opportunities.
I keep seeing guys who put in 0 effort fall ass backwards into a successful relationship. They're not as concerned about it, they don't work as hard at it and they're rewarded all the same. I'm so fucking sick of working my ass off with no ROI.
Sorry this became a giant rant but this is a glimpse of what goes on in my brain all day long.
It's difficult to find the words to accurately describe just how frustrated I am.
|
self.offmychest
|
My friend messaged me asking if I was OK This made me feel amazingly happy to know that I had someone who genuinely likes me and wants me to be happy.
If you have any friends that you know are suffering, but them up with a text just to see how they are doing. I have never thought of doing this until I was messaged and realised how nice it is to feel important.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Severe anxiety over "Small things", how to cope? Hi All,
I have to share as I am in a terrible place right now. Over the last 7 months, I have been having severe anxiety over things that other would consider 'little' or insignificant or simply 'made up'
I will take a situation and immediately choose the worst case scenario and I ACTUALLY BELIEVE its already happening.
So right now I'm writing as someone that positive has cancer and positive that the authorities are out to get me because I made a mistake on my taxes even though the doctors and accountants say there is nothing to worry about.
Then I'm in intense fear and dread and will look for a 2nd and 3rd opinion, waste money on needless appointments and then obsessively research on the internet on similar use cases FOR DAYS.
My mornings begin with intense anxiety along with chest pain that is enough to trash my whole day.
I am trying not to take any major decisions ever since and I really REALLY want to quit my job (its actually the best job I had in my life) because I can't take this anymore going to work and pretend I'm not going to go crazy because when I sit in meetings my only thought is like, "wtf are you doing here when you are about to die of cancer?"
I think the length of the anxiety makes depression sink in as I'm beginning to hate my life over this. I tried so many things like distractions, video games, sports, going out for a week, it ALWAYS comes back.
I think I'm causing my family great pain when they see me in this situation which makes me feel even worse.
You guys have any advice for me?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My oldest, greatest, and only true friend has announced his next attempt. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
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My dad As I grow older, I realize that most of my problems are from my dad. A lot of things that he did, or is doing, is ruining my family, and he fails to realize it, and he will never admit to it. Honestly, I despise him. It's hard to write this down because one, I'm furious about writing about him because of how much I hate him, and two, I'm not too sure where to start. I guess, from when I remember him. The only memories I really have of him are really bad, I have trouble trying to remember anything where I truly felt like he was a kind, loving father. Sure, he provides food for the family, and gives us money and will pay for college, but is that an excuse for him to act as he does? He treats people like garbage. He owns his own financial company, and I can understand that it's a very stressful job. But why would that be a good enough excuse to treat his wife, who would do anything for him, like shit, and shun out his children who he doesn't like? I know my dad probably thinks I'm a failure, because I was not planned unlike my brothers and sister, and also I don't know what to do with my life, and I'm 17 years old and still haven't gotten a license or a job. I won't even say "yet" because the probability of that happening is next to none. He pretends to like me only because I pretend to love him. I do as he wishes because there's no need for him to be any more pissed that he already is. The way he treats my mother, is infuriating to watch. As I stated before, she would do anything for him, and I am not lying. My father mentally abuses her. He calls her worthless, fat, and treats her as a thing. When my dad is sitting on his ass at home watching TV, he gets pissed when my Mom sits down beside him watching TV with him, because she should clean up the house because "it's a fucking mess". I will never get him. My mom also works for my dad as his company, and she goes to work at 7 and works for 14 hours and he calls her lazy. That's what makes me the most upset. The way he treats his wife. Lazy? The woman cooks your food, cleans your clothes, makes sure you gets your pills for your diabetes, and works for 14 hours a day to come home and be greeted by this failure of a son you have, and the dogs who are ignorant of all else. But the real reason why he's mad? It's because my mom not only works, but skips days (weekends) to take care of her mother. She has Alzheimer's, and my mom has to make sure that my grandmother doesn't hurt herself. That means she has to stay up all night in case she decides to go for a walk, cook her food, clean her house, and cloth and bathe her because she refuses to take a shower. Why not send her to a retirement home? Because the aunts and uncles don't think it's right. Don't ask me why, my mom doesn't know why either. Why don't they help? I don't know that either. They're too busy not helping, I guess. And after this, my mom's still lazy? Fuck you, dad. You're the one who would wake me up just to make you a cup of coffee, or to get me upstairs so that I can get something that you left in your car or your room. Oh, and God forbid that the bread went stale, or we have no milk. Yeah, that's mom's fault too. She's too lazy to go out to buy milk or get fresh bread, because she's always working and doing whatever else and she's so lazy. Yeah, right. Instead of being a fucking idiot and going out to buy the bread, he just sits on the couch and watches TV, sipping his coffee that he had his failure make. Right. And my mom's the lazy one. And while this is happening she's already out buying the bread, just finished cooking your breakfast that you just ate. I don't know where I'm going with this, and I don't care. This might not seem like much, and I'm probably leaving a lot out, but I don't even care at this rate. I'm just mad at him, and at myself for letting this happen, and I just want my mom back. I want things to go back to the way they were. There actually was a time where things almost seemed normal, where I could talk about my dad and how he just works all day and watches TV, and actually wanting to talk to my brothers, mother, sister and I about our days, but that was a long, long time ago. Things changed so fast and now my dad is the worst person I know besides me. If you took the time to read this, thanks, and I apologize if I come off as angry or just apathetic, but this is how I feel, and I haven't really told anyone about this.
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self.offmychest
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I'm a pathological liar. One of the memories that I can vividly remember from my childhood is my dad telling my mom that I was too innocent to lie. This was at the age of 7 but I can remember already being very comfortable lying before that. I would lie to everyone and anyone for no reason, including my parents. The lies were mostly small and plausible so no one really ever noticed.
Even as a kid I remembered not really understanding how people trusted me and why no one ever questioned the lies that I was telling. I guess it didn't really matter as my lies were pretty harmless.
Now I mostly lie for practical reasons, to shift blame, as an excuse, to avoid situations that I'd really rather avoid, or to appear differently around others. The most common reason for me to lie is to get attention. I think this started because as a kid I had no friends and lying was my way of trying to get attention, since it worked I guess I just never grew out of it.
I know this sounds like I'm bragging or showing off but I'm so tired of it at this point. Everyone around my thinks I'm trustworthy and honest. I guess I am trustworthy though, I wouldn't ever tell people's secrets or try to harm people. I just don't tell the truth about myself.
Lying comes very easily to me. When I'm in a conversation it almost feels like I'm letting someone else take over. The lies just come out and I have to force myself to behave otherwise. I open my mouth and the lies just start flowing out. The worst part is that everyone around me loves it. They like the grandiose tales that I tell from my vacations, or the mysterious incidents from when I was driving late at night.
Recently I've started to feel regret and guilt about my lies. Not in the sense that I feel guilty about a specific lie but rather that I feel guilty because my life feels like a sham. All my friends were won over with fake stories that never happened or feigned interest in anything or everything. None of them really know me, and maybe that's for the best. None of them would like the boring real me.
I really want to tell my friends, to ask for help but how could they respond with anything but anger. After all I would deserve the hatred that would grow from this. Honestly, I feel like it would hurt them more for them to know than my lies hurt.
So I guess I'm stuck.
Since I can't tell anyone I know, I'll tell the internet
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self.offmychest
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Starting to doubt I have bipolar? I'm a 26 year old woman. I was going through a really rough patch, considering suicide, etc. So I booked an appointment with a doctor. The doctor referred me to another doctor who discussed the possibility of having bipolar. At the time it made sense, I could see how I fit many of the symptoms.
In order to get a proper diagnosis, I need to first speak w a psychiatrist. I have an appointment this Thursday.
I'm now starting to seriously doubt that I have bipolar. I'm no longer feeling so down, i actually feel fine. I'm starting to question whether I have bipolar or if I'm just being a little dramatic? Doesn't everyone do wild stuff now and again? My friends all have crazy stories of wild shit they've done. All similar to mine. And normal people feel down sometimes too. Right??
I'm dreading going to this appointment on Thursday because I'm embarrassed to explain that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just dramatic and a bit of a cry baby. What should I do? Should I cancel or go and just apologise for wasting this doctors time?? Or could this all be in my head??? Help lol
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self.bipolar
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Give me advice! They replaced me at my job. I was the man in charge of one aspect of the company and they replaced me without saying anything. Replacement is better than me at the job.
I have a non-biological son who wants to be part of my life but I want nothing to do with him. My biological son is behind in education and confused about his family life.
I live at home with my dad because I couldn't hack it on my own.
I had an eating disorder and might go back to it.
I had alcoholism and might go back to it. A
lcohol and weed are the only things that make me feel good.
Even when I gain the courage to meet girls, I fail in the bedroom because I'm confused and anxious. And the girls that I do connect with end up separating from me when they see the issues that I have. I can only listen to music when drunk. I can only watch movies when high. I owe money and have been through bankrupcy, lol. Is it worth continuing? When should you either end it or start over in a different place?
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self.depression
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Lost another pdoc... why is finding one so hard? Rhetorical question because healthcare is fucked.
Because I decided to go back to DBT, i got a letter saying my file has been closed at the clinic where I was receiving therapy and med management.
They have a policy that you can't see their doc if you don't see their therapists.
So I have about 2 weeks left of pills and am feeling discouraged. Part of me just wants to go off meds but I know that's a bad idea. Idk how I'm going to find a pdoc in such a short time. I'm going to ask my primary doc if he'll be willing to prescribe to me until I can find a new one.
Why is getting help so fucking hard?
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self.bipolar
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