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Everything sucks Its just like everything wants everyone to be sad, “FCC day plans to repeal net neutrality” yay now it costs more for me to enjoy basic things. Everyday we see something more and more sad, like animals dieing or environments dieing, or some favorite actor or comedian is now a sex offender. I just want something to be good for once
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self.depression
|
My heart is breaking and I am falling apart- how can I possibly keep it together? Hi all.
Some background information about me. I’m attending college, about 4 1/2 hours away from home, currently going for a degree in Elementary education (k-5) all subjects along with a Special Education degree (K-12) with a focus in ASD (autism spectrum disorder). This is my second year at the school, but I am considered a junior due to credits I had earned in high school (over 30).
I am in a deep, serious relationship with a boy from back home. We’ve been together over a year and a half now. He is my rock. He knows how to calm me down when I am upset. He listens to me. I listen to him. I help him make important career decisions. We go on vacations with my family, and with his. He visits me once a month here at college, staying with me in my apartment. We like to go to concerts, museums, and art galleries. I cannot imagine life without him.
Well. Currently we are not speaking. And it’s completely destroying me. I can’t think about anything else besides what is going on with him, wondering if he’s okay, etc. I’ve been skipping classes because I can’t get out of bed, calling off of work because I can’t get out of bed. I haven’t been showering, doing my makeup like usual. I’m into an extreme bout of depression and I don’t know how to get myself out.
It’s been 4 days now since we last spoke. He had been not talking to me for two days, so I finally broke and basically said “I understand that whatever you’re going through right now is difficult and straining for you. I love you, support you, and care for you and I hope you feel like you can talk to me about whatever is going on. I’m feeling shut out of your life and it feels unfair to me because I’m trying to be a good, supportive girlfriend. But I can’t if you don’t let me in”. He basically just said “I’m sorry”, and then I snapped and said “no, you’re not. If you were actually sorry you’d do something about it”. To which he replied “you dont even fucking know”.
I ended up saying I was going to give him a week of space to clear his head and get through what he had going on. This was Monday. It’s now late Wednesday and I’m about to call off of work because I’m just so exhausted I can’t do it today. I just can’t.
We’ve never gone this long without talking and it’s completely ripping me apart. What do I even do in this situation..
I just need somebody to talk to. Without him, I have no one else..
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self.offmychest
|
A little fuzzy I have a hard time remembering the last couple years of my life. I'm bp and not medicated. You ask why no meds well I have some what of a phobia with them now. I initially 2 1/2 years ago went in for a diagnoses because I knew I was really off and something definately was off. I diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti depressants. I went to several different docs and this is the conclusion they had. Well I was never suicidal before until after I started the anti depressants. They put me in a manic depressive episode that lasted a couple years until and all out manic rage session where I thought I was running the world for a while. During this time I was diagnosed bp and the meds I started made me feel like a vegetable. So I got off of them. Right now I'm in a depressed state I think my brain is trying to rebound from it all. But I have some serious memory issues. It's probably because the last couple years I couldn't think a day ahead because my memory was getting soo bad. I have so many black outs in the last couple years its amazing. I hate this illness it's torn my life to shreds.
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self.bipolar
|
Hi, i just want some thoughts I'm 19 and receive both talk therapy and medication, I consider myself very smart and kind perhaps too smart and kind. Sometimes when I start to get suicidal I'll write what's going on in my life. I hope no one minds but I would like to post bits of what I write today and get advice. I would prefer not to die, but I'm not motivated much as you may see below
"So right now 11/21/17 11:13pm I've decided to write my thoughts and daily life. My week is somewhat simple, from Monday to Thursday I have class currently switching between 2 on one day and one on the next. From Friday to Sunday I work at Genesis. When it comes to school I'm very board and unmotivated and with work I have fun and the work isn't hard but ik I would enjoy the store more if I was a customer. My life could be plenty worse off, I could be poor, homeless, etc. This doesn't stop how I feel though. A Lot of the time I feel like crying or am sad but I can't cry, instead I end up acting strange. I'm not hating life nor am I enjoying it, I'm simply content. I don't currently have a goal in life which makes it hard to focus on college. There's no job in life that I want nor a future I dream of. I have no aspirations, how is someone like that supposed to be motivated. Let me analyse some common goals people have. Having there dream career; I don't have one at the top of my head, if I look at my hobbies which are mtg and reading/watching fantasy I come up with being a game designer or writer. Im sure I have most of the knowledge needed for both of these things but would I want to. I've designed one game before and it was some fun but I never felt like persueing it that far. When it comes to writing, I'm just ok and I hate dealing with many of englishes rules. Its free by nature so why give it chains. So everyday I meet the expectations of those around me simply to live because I don't want to hurt those around me. I mean logically I would rather come to be motivated strongly to something, for it to drive me to wake up. For something so great I wanted to dedicate myself to it. I find the idea of simply staying alive to just live rediculous. My current choices are to continue living and do nothing. Continue living and try to help myself which I've been trying, or to hate living enough to die. I wish to avoid the last. My death would ruin people. I'm not selfish enough to escape at others expenses."
TLDR I don't have a bad situation in life but I have no reason for living besides not wanting to make others sad.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I drank for the first time this weekend. And it was gross. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Need advice. Had my first anxiety attack today. After four years of pretty intense medical work, seeing gruesome things and dealing with intense personal issues, I finally broke. It was today when I was in trucking school, having a great time and learning something new. I’d been slowly getting happier and more relaxed throughout the few weeks of this school so far, and realized that I’m finally decompressing. That’s when it hit. I was in the back while we were driving, waiting for us to switch out so I’d have my turn. It hit me so hard, I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I had lost control of my mind and my thoughts. Every alarm bell in my mind was telling me that death is here. It felt like 100lbs were on my chest and my pulse was too fast to count.
It eventually ended after what was probably 15 minutes but felt like forever. My friend told me I had an anxiety attack. Since then I’ve been struggling. I’m shaky and scared on and off, and it switches on and starts again whenever anybody tries to talk to me. What is this? Will it go away? I can’t be on medication for this school so I need another method of dealing with this. Can I overcome it or will it destroy my sanity? Please help, and thank you for anything you have to say.
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self.Anxiety
|
Raise a Glass: A reflection on the year passed and the year to come The New Years celebration is over, the confetti cleared away. But many did not make it to see this day.
Raise a glass for the fallen, who are no longer here. Maybe someday, we will meet them in the next life, the next plane, or in the vastness of oblivion.
Raise a glass to those who left the sub and moved past this point of their lives.
Raise a glass to the unsung heroes, those who returned to help others out.
Raise a glass to those who will not find this sub and those that go through this alone.
Raise a glass for the future downtrodden, the unexpecting, and everyone who will join us this year.
Raise a glass for those who will not make it to see the next year.
But finally, raise a glass to yourself, for at least in this moment, whether you are spiralling downward, at rock bottom, or beginning the slow climb back up, you have persevered enough to still be with us if only for this moment.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
WTF am I doing? I make ZERO effort stay in contact with my family yet I'm depressed that we don't talk. I make ZERO effort to make any new friends, yet i'm sad that I don't have any. I make ZERO effort to get to know anyone on Discord servers and automatically assume everyone hates me even though they have no clue who I even am. I make ZERO effort to talk to girls anymore and then bitch to myself about how lonely I am.
No messages, no texts, no emails, no phone calls since October and YET I DON'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT.
Sure, people bother me but i'm sick of acting like they're the problem. I AM THE FUCKING PROBLEM and I have zero motivation to do anything about it.owaetBk;egbWRNzo;hnzwnwrnzeuhl;nhzel;rhnzl;hnzol'hzejnlhnjhthljnzdl'jhmnzl'thmntjxe[olitn
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self.depression
|
Marijuana psychosis ruined my life Lost job,Lost apartment, lost girlfriend of 6 years, all because I thought I could smoke weed like a normal person. The regret i have is unbearable. The pain of losing my girlfriend is terrible. All i had to do was not smoke weed and I wouldn't of went crazy and ruined everything. I get so pissed and sad that it was so easily avoidable. Sad thing is too i have had an manic psychosis episode a year before too but I just didn't know it was mania. Thought it was a spiritual enlightenment or something. I don't know i'm just terribly depressed now and I don't know what to do. Living is so hard now with these regrets.
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self.bipolar
|
Anywhere to turn? Im not one to easily open up and show my emotions but i feel im now at my breaking point. I constantly worry about my income if i got enough to keep the bills paid and avoiding turnoffs. I cant get any peace and i feel like i cant turn my brain off ever. I feel consumed by hopelessness and that things wont turn around and its been like this for years. I've become a master at containing it inside while having a normal outward appearance. I've done the absolute best i can to provide the necessities for my family and at times these feelings inside make me irritable and difficult to be around. Now my girlfriend of 11 years informs me that she has been dating someone for a few months and is moving in the coming weeks. She has even had our 9 year old child around this person without my knowledge. Now the hopelessness if feel has multiplied to an uncontrollable level. Not to a point where I feel like i would hurt myself as I still have a child to raise but to a point where I feel like a robot goin through the motions of everyday life and even that is gettin harder by the day. I seeked out a free depression chat website but after only a few messages it asks u to pay to continue. I dont know what im seeking here but i feel like i have to vent and get it out. I hate feeling like this and i know its only going to get so much worse in the coming weeks.
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self.depression
|
I'm such a piece of shit I let a small reptile in my care die cuz I'm too much of a depressed piece of shit to even take care of it why do I not deserve all the pain I have caused what the FUCK IS wrong with me I am such a fucking scumbag please I am crying so hard right now I will not be able to sleep ever
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self.depression
|
My sleep is terrible I've been really tired for a month. I'm drowsy all day, but have trouble falling asleep at night.
For example, I went to bed at 3 AM last night, but couldn't sleep until 5 or 6. I woke up at 9 AM, feeling a bit hungry, looked at my clock, went back to sleep, and I had a few micro awakenings here and there (Prolly because of nightmare, noise, stuffy nose, etc) then woke up at 12:30, tired but impossible to fall back asleep until 2 pm, then woke up at 4 pm and it took me hours to get out of bed, pain everywhere, couldn't move or open my eyes.
I guess I could have sleep apnea, but it's probably just anxiety. I spend my days feeling so out of it, I'm having cognitive issues now :(
Does anyone know how I can get my sleep back (without drugs please - I took sleeping pills for 3 years before and it fucked me up).
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self.Anxiety
|
Modafinil for bipolar/ADHD cognition problems I am at a county mental health facility and the medical director approved Modafinil for the fact that I suffer from poor organizational capacity, a dulled mind when it comes to logical reasoning, and a subtle fatigue that I have. I am pretty excited to be trying this. Has anyone found that it got them able to do computer code or any mentally advanced task? I can't grasp the docs of Django (Python programming web framework) for example and am trying to build an app. I also can't advance further than basic list comprehensions/lambda functions in Python by itself. Given that I'm on SSi and I am hoping to not be disabled for life (poverty) the fact that I'm getting Modafinil could save my life and make me gainfully employed (if it works). Has anyone tried it and do you think I will be able to escape poverty hell?
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self.bipolar
|
Nothing is exciting, nothing matters. The entire story is a TL'DR even for me, so i'll just point out the main issues. Which may also be a little bit long.
1. Unhappy since i was 10yrs old, when i finally moved to a elementary school(10-15yrs old) that over the years introduced me to the concepts of popularity, sex, bullying, figting/drinking/dating= makes your existance more valid. Im including my highschool years as well.
2. Growing up in my older brothers shadow(he's charming, ambitious, every1 loves him). And im the exact opposite. We are best friends, yet i hate and love him at the same time. We rarely spend time with eachother anymore. He lives in a foreign country for 5 years now.
3. Never had a gf. I met a girl during my last year in HS(not the american kind of one, which means i was 19 yrs old). And she was the most amazing and beautiful person ive ever met and the only one i ever cared about/loved. Obviously i couldnt be her friend anymore, she had a bf, so i told her that i couldnt see her again due to those reasons. It left a huge scarr on my heart and it hasnt healed 1 bit for 3 years. No matter what life goals i work with. Always end up thinking about her. Nowadays she has a wonderful bf and a baby. Happy for her, but obv she don't care for me anymore which is understandable.
4. Stabbed in the back by my so called friends on my 22nd birthday which made me stop looking for any kind of friendship. This was 1 year after i cut ties with the girl as stated above. I happily talked to her and invited her to my party and she gladly accepted it. Too much details but it ended up backfiring after my ex-friends ditched me which made me feel so fking upset that i just ignored everything. And we continued not talking to eachother EVER again.
I have 3 best friends atm. And i rarely see them due to us living in different parts. No problems for me since we talk on the phone from time to time.
5. Realizing that nothing matters, we are basically monkeys looking for attention and validation. Life is not as magical as i expected it to be. Emotions, anger, love. Nothing but chemicals in our brains. My entire life might be a simulation etc.
I have goals. I have a nice apartment. Semi-well paying job, very physical tho. Car etc etc.
I work out regularly, powerlifting and just recently picked up swimming. My so called depression-relapses happends from time to time and makes me wanna starve for 3-14 days which hinders my progress and sets me back drastically.
My problems: I hate working,
i hate people(including myself),
i hate life(not only cuz of my own unhappiness, but also cuz of all the cruel fates life hands out to other living beings.)
Nothing drives me to make me wanna work towards my goals. I dont really fken care for social acceptance anymore, friends, gfs is just a waste of my time.
Yet, I just want to be alone in the darkness and sleep.
Not looking for magical solutions or "positive" thinking- talk. I dont mind them either. Just wanted to write stuff down.
Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
Parents don't believe in prescription medication I tried everything from exercise, meditation , reading anxiety help books, and nothing seems to help. I asked my parents if I could get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication and they said that I would get addicted and that "natural healing" will help anxiety, whatever that means. I'm not sure what to do because I can't buy/afford my own meds and nothing else seems to be helping me. What should I do? I tried hemp oil and that seems to help me relax, but they don't believe in marijuana/cannabis because they assume I'll "become a drug junkie" and "get addicted"
Edit: they have also told me "it's all in my head" and I should just try "to stop the anxiety"
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self.Anxiety
|
Long years of depression, the only one I thought cared about me has left me. Am suicidal. Hey reddit, this is obviously a throwaway, I have a facade to keep.
I'm a twenty-something creature, living in Mexico. The situation of insecurity and difficult progress in my country has only made my depression deeper. My story of depression starts when I was very young and I started to notice my mother treating me and my brother differently. My mother has a narcissistic personality disorder, and during my childhood, she would make up lies about what I did or said to get my father angry at me. My father is one of the three people I genuinely feel loved by. She would provoke me to get me angry, she would do stuff like throw my toys across the room and make me clean up, she fed me less than she fed my brother, the list goes on. Since, according to her, I was problematic, I was taken out of a Catholic school and sent to somewhere pretty close to the military. They used to check our teeth every morning to see if we washed them, they taught us three languages, plus dancing, plus singing, plus plastic arts, plus the regular school curricula. It was a very hostile environment where the kids actually fought each other pretty ferociously to be the best, and I was molded to it. (and the rest of the way I cheated during the ridiculously hard exams) Anyway, that takes us to my adolescence.
I was an awkward kid, aggressive, thinking everyone was out there to get me and I had an extra enemy at home, my mother. Since then I was starting to see the void of my life. I got transferred to another Cath school and started to loosen up, made friends. Here's where two of them, whom I loved deeply, died the same year. Car crash and leukemia. I sunk deeper. Thing about my home life...I can't show any bits of negative emotion in front of my mother, else she'll call me a pussy, throw plates at me, hit me so I have 'something to cry about'. So I had to bottle it up. Same year, I was 15, some asshole tried to rape me in a party. More depression, I was starting to have suicidal thoughts, I cut myself on a regular basis since it's the only way i can stop crying.
Enter my first girlfriend, who helped me for a while, then wrecked me down deeper than I ever was. At that, the depressive thoughts came rushing back stronger than ever, full rush suicidal thoughts. Smoked outrageously for many years, cut a lot more and was starting to actually plan my suicide.
Enter my second girlfriend, ain't she a keeper? Long distance relationship, which suits me since touching people terrifies me. We were happy for a while, then she started ignoring me and when I asked why she dumped me. So I went through serious stress over it, had a heart attack. I made it, regretfully, notice how all the people who wants to die always makes it? Anyway, I made it. And I came back with this girlfriend despite my friends's outrage. They wouldn't stop talking crap about her, so i cut them off. She was sacred, no one could touch her. She didn't really give me the attention I needed, she always wanted to be with her friends and shit, rarely would she choose me.
Well, today I woke up to find her accounts deleted and an email telling me she can't stand it anymore. That she wants other things from life.
I am desolate. Shocked. Feel so betrayed.
I am feeling very tempted to take the rest of my heart medication and take a hike. I live in a city surrounded by tall mountains. I could pick one, go up as far as I can, look for a crany and OD on my heart medication that will give me a peaceful death. It'd take the authorities days to find me.
Need help.
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self.depression
|
Got a flood of unexpected emotion from unexpected places... Just finished watching 13 Reasons Why initially expecting it'd be some mindless show to shut my mind off and just watch... But it made me remember the pivotal points in my life... It's two stories that sort of combine into a single clusterfuck...
The first is how I lost my will to live.
It was 2nd grade. It's been 2 years since I've started to be bullied. Confronting the bullies didn't slow it down... So I asked my parents to change schools. There was one 3 minutes of walking from the current one. But they didn't help. They just made the choice for me... I wanted to run away, run under a driving car. I lost perspective on life and it had no worth for me since. I was bullied and stood up for myself... But I got crippled in the process.
Emotionally crippled. I couldn't trust people. Everyone had something to gain and did what gave them more... I decided that the only thing, my mom, wasn't worth hurting over my selfish needs. I survived. Dragged myself by force through until 8th grade. Where I met him.
The guy who was my first crush. This is where my second "life before and after" moment begins.
People.. Feelings.. Friends. Those were bad words for me. I was polite. I was nice. I avoided attention. But he gave it to me. For no reason at all... He high fived me every morning we met. I started looking forward to that... But I still didn't know how to communicate (for a lack of a better word). I tried to learn. I felt fake. I hated everyone there, and I was polite to them. I looked from the side, and learned what made them tick.
People are so stupid, worrying about things so nonsensical its amazing people don't die from stress before 16. But he wasn't. He was calm and collected. He wasn't spoiled. He wasnt perfect but he showed actual character. He was his own person and I strived mimic that. I still didn't understand what my feelings meant because I never had anything to compare it to..
I tried hard and it paid off. I became social... People genuinely liked me. At age 16 I was, for the first time, unconditionally loved. As much as 16 year old kids could. And that was also the year me and him sat together, right next to each other. That's when my feelings actually became... known to me. But I was scared of being hurt. Also, at that time, I faked it. I faked it till I made it. It made me feel like that wasnt me that he knew. There was the cold emotionally dead me at home and the social butterfly at school. And I wasnt sure which one was me... If I even had to choose...
.
Today. 4 years post graduation. I confessed to him. I decided who I am, and realized my feelings are nothing to be ashamed of, and his feelings whatever they may be, shouldn't be scary. He said no, obviously. He's straight and I've known. He's had 2 girlfriends in high school. But it allowed me let go of what I haven't done... It kind of stings. But a the conversation went very well.
After all... I've grown. And I'm happy I have. I just wish I didn't have been set back socially for 9 years... But it is what made me more mature. It's what made me appreciate every person who ever selflessly took care of even my smallest need only once. Not all people are bad, and it gets better. I've become someone I can accept and love.
Thanks for being the wall I needed :)
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone here get very upset, more than others? Several of my packages were taken off my doorstep this month. One of them was a secret Santa present from a subreddit here. The rest were from Toys R Us from ebay and I only got one of them last Friday but not the others.
I have been very devastated and I am not sure how to describe my feelings but it's like how a child feels when they find out they won't be getting any presents because they were all taken by the thief and how will the mom explain to her kids why Santa didn't get them any presents that year?
It's been a very hard day for me and I barely got any sleep because I was so upset about my stolen packages including my secret Santa present. Now I don't feel safe anymore because this happened multiple times already this month so it makes me think we are being spied on. My husband thinks it's just a coincidence. I left a fake package on my door step for revenge and it's still there.
Does anyone here get more upset about things than others do when it happens to them as well? My husband doesn't get very upset as I do about this kind of stuff.
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self.Anxiety
|
Having Trouble Eating Ever since I quit (lmao yesterday) I can’t work up an appetite for the life of me.
I really don’t want to go all day without eating.
I hate being skinny and ever time I sit my butt down and do nothing I feel the fat I have left is just eating away towards my bones, it’s frustrating!
I just got on food stamps and went shopping for a shit ton of food but I DONT WANT ANY OF IT. My stomach just won’t budge! (More for my kids then lol)
& I hate forcing myself to eat cause then I just throw up and it’s all pointless.
My in laws are going to bbq a bunch of food tonight too.
When I was able to smoke I struggled so hard with the munchies because the major lack of food available. (Fed my kids first before myself)
I used marijuana to help me eat and that’s suppose to be a bad thing???
I’d rather choose marijuana then PILLS any day.
So many scary side effects to medication pills it could kill you more than help you honestly. It’s just disgusting to me and marijuana is just so natural for me.
Anyways, I hope I can eat at least a meal before the day ends.
I worked out on a super empty stomach and I’m still not even hungry -_- it’s starting to make me sad....
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self.depression
|
The urge of cutting myself That's odd, all of a sudden (within 12 hours) a hypo-manic period drops into a pretty deep depression - I haven't felt this bad for almost a year...
And the thing that scares me the most of my deep depressions is the urge to cut myself. So far I've used my nails to inflict the injury, and I did it earlier today as well, but I didn't get the 'good feeling' doing it. I actually am thinking about picking up a knife and inflict the injury.
Good thing my aspie side is still having a hold of me and I didn't pick up the knife. Instead I went to bed and scratched my arms with my nails a bit (no cutting). 2 hours later I felt 'good enough' to get up again and continue with my day 'normally'.
I haven't told my wife about the urge I had today because she's already worried sick about me today. But I figure if the urge stays, I should tell her...
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self.bipolar
|
Anxiety, OCD, (Chronic) Lyme disease or something else ? Hi, this is gonna be a long post but i will include a TL;DR at the end to try to explain the core problem.
It's my first time posting anything, been a lurker for over 2 years now and i can't seem to find a good answer to this, so here it goes :
I am 26, i live in Belgium, i live with my mom, no contact with my dad anymore for various reasons, i have a sister, she has 3 kids, my mom is almost never home, she is always at her new boyfriend's place, i am currently on temporary disability (you can always be called for a check up), i havent been working for 1.5 year now, and this is why :
I have OCD from around the age of 12, diagnosed at 21 by a psychiatrist, she put me on Sipralexa (Lexapro) 10mg.
She also wanted me to take an anti-psychotic but i never did that because she never told me i was psychotic, she just told me i had OCD, intrusive thoughts and i did ALOT of "rituals", it got so bad that they took 8 hours of my day, i couldn't cope so went to her, took the pills and never went back, i had a follow up appointment but she e-mailed me to cancel it because she couldn't make it, and i was already feeling WAY better so i never went back.
I was (and still am) working as a gardener for the city, i need to do basic gardening tasks, but also cut down tree's, anything related to nature i guess.
I am semi-happy with this job, just like most of the population i guess.
I never had any medical problems except GERD, diagnosed around 20 i think, i saw my doctor maybe twice a year for when i was sick, maybe 1 time had the flu, very mild, or a cough, the only other times i saw her was just to pick up my prescriptions for the Lexapro and Pantomed (Pantoprazole).
2 pills in the morning, thats all i took, i could do whatever i want, i party alot, i never drank on workdays, but i was a weekend binge drinker from the age of 17 or so.
Even when i was on Lexapro i kept doing that, i got alot fatter but i didn't have any other problems whatsoever.
The only problem i did have was that my mom was addicted to sleeping medications (Zolpidem), i can tell 100 stories about it, it was insane, she took them but fought against her sleepiness, she was a zombie, she said nasty things to me while on them, she pee'd herself under, she left the gas on one time i got home from work, if i was a smoker and would have walked in with my cigarette burning i wouldn't be sitting here writing this anymore,the whole house was filled with gas.
There are alot of other stories about that, times i stayed home because i was afraid she might die, times i called the ambulance or took her to the ER myself, you get the picture.
That was always on the back of my mind when i went out, and maybe i drank so much not only to have fun, but also to forget everything, but the main thing was i wanted to have fun.
I always stook with just alcohol, the occasional cigarette when you were drinking, but never really was a smoker.
That changed in 2014, in mid 2013 i started to go to my local soccer club because a friend of mine was asking to come along, i didn't care for it at that time, i was a metalhead and sports never interested me, but after that one time i was sold, i was going every week, home and away games, it always involved alot of drinking.
In 2014 i saw a guy standing there wich i knew from my childhood, it was his first time going there, i spoke to him and we became friends again, and this is were it all changed.
After a couple of games we went to this place, i never took any drugs before, only maybe 2 times i smoked some weed, not even half a joint, it made me sick so i never did that again.
So, we went to his place and 8/10 people where doing cocaine, that was shocking to see, i didn't do it that night, but it became a thing that after each game we would go to his place after the game.
Then one night i did it, they warned me, they advised me NOT to do it because they were so hooked on it and they actually didn't wanted me to do it, but i was like, you're all doing it, it cant be THAT bad ?
I was still taking Lexapro at that moment (they didnt know).
I felt great, cocaine is one hell of a drug, i started doing it almost every weekend, not a whole gram, the occasional line, it never was a problem, never had anxiety from it, never had major hangovers, i almost never had any hangovers at all actually.
But about 6 months down the road that changed, on New Years eve i did maybe 2 grams in one night, i was drinking from 7PM untill 10 AM and sniffing lines.
I had the worst hangover ever, but still, no anxiety, no panic attack, nothing, just a major hangover.
The weekend after i did a few lines, always with alcohol, and the day after i woke up drenched in sweat, heart racing, i thought i was gonna die, my mom drove me to the ER and i confessed everything to her, to the docter, everything, they told me it was just a panic attack and give me 1 Xanax tablet and sent home.
I thought, ah oh well, this wont happen again.
I did it the weekend after again, same outcome, but didnt go to the ER.
I stopped doing cocaine.
But the panic attacks didn't stop, they came on random.
I thought i still could drink alcohol but that made everything worse, so i stopped that too.
I stopped taking Lexapro (tapered down) around april 2015.
I started excercising, 3 times a week, and it helped, but not enough, i started feeling "out of it", i would get random stomach problems, brain fog and i felt fatigued.
I was still working full time, came home and instantly had to take a nap, i kept excercising, i could run 10 KM (about 8 miles i guess)
without resting, i lived for that shit, running was the only thing that kept me going.
But that changed too, one time i came home and i had a full blown panic attack, but the weird thing was my heart rate was only 55BPM, all the other symptoms where of a panic attack.
I kept running but not as much anymore, untill i stopped completely.
I always felt bad, mostly stomach related issues and a bit of brain fog.
Sugar drops when i didn't eat properly, but i still could work.
In June 2015 i woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, stomach acid on my throat, i went downstairs to take an anti acid and everything started to go black, i saw dots and my vision went numb, i tried to go upstairs and i stumbled everywhere, i tried to yell to my mom and i remember i made it upstairs and there i fainted, against my mom's door.
She refused to take me to the hospital, i was vomiting, had diarrhea and felt REALLY sick, i waited untill my sister was awake and i called her to get me to the ER.
I was told it was just something i ate, food poisoning, and at the time i believed it.
That was the last day i went to work.
I kept feeling sick, i had numerous tests done, i will name em all later.
I was so scared of dying and being home alone i admitted myself to the psych ward.
That was a dumb idea, they did stupid therapies that didn't get me anywhere and they kept pushing me i needed to start taking antidepressants again.
The only thing that was good about it was the people there, i had some company, yet i still felt very alone with my problems.
Most of them there were alcoholics, drug addicts and only a few with OCD and anxiety.
5 weeks later i went home, against their advice, but i wasnt in the "closed" section so thats what i did.
Now HERE start's the REAL problem this is what im struggling with now.
I had alot of free time there, and i searched the internet for answers for my symptoms, i stumbled upon lyme disease, i went to my doc, had a test done, negative.
But i couldn't let go, there is ALOT of controversy around (chronic) lyme disease.
I have seen every article, every Pubmed, every study there is to find, believe me, and there is no clear answer, there is the "regular" medicine saying it doesn't exist, and there is this whole group of people called ILADS who says the testing sucks and chronic lyme IS a real thing, there is also a group who says its because of the vaccine called Lymerix, and its the same thing with tick bites, there is no cure.
I went to Antwerp, we have an institute of tropical medicine, they know EVERYTHING from diseases from here to Afrika, they tested me for ALOT of things.
Almost everything was negative, they tested me for alot of other bacteria ticks could carry and there was one called "Anaplasmosis" wich came back borderline positive on IGg and IGm bands.
It stated that i didn't need anymore antibiotics because my own immune system got rid of it, but this DOES mean i was bitten by atleast 1 tick.
I couldn't let it go, i was so scared, i admitted myself back to the psych ward, another one, i explained them what whas happening, and they gave me 1 month of antibiotics, because I wanted them to, they didn't really want to give them to me, but i insisted and i got 1 full month of antibiotics.
There was no difference in my symptoms, i didnt get better, i didnt get worse.
After 10 weeks they referred me to ANOTHER psych ward that teaches you how to cope with your problems.
Again, they tried to get me on AD's, i refused.
I had a chance to talk with an infectious disease doctor there, he talked to me more than an hour.
He was really concerned and told me not to go to a "lyme specialist" because they are in it for the money and their testing will ALWAYS be positive he said, and that they see patients coming back to them after years of antibotics treatment, feeling even worse than before and alot of money lost.
I got out, and what did i do ?
I went to a "lyme specialist", she took my blood, send it to Germany, it came back positive, like i excpected.
She charged 185 euro's for a first visit, about 200 for testing, 80 for next visit, another 100 or more for some supplements and the third time i saw her i asked her "Why does everyone come back positive ?" She gave me a vague answer, and tried to put me on Ozone therapy, collidial silver or something and i asked how much is this gonna cost me ? She was so hesitant to answer, i got mad and i said i needed to know.
"About 3000 euro's for the first 3 courses"
Of how many ? i replied
"Untill you get better"
That was the last time i saw that "doctor"
She already took about 800 euro's from me with no progress at all over the course of 3 months.
Her business is shady, if you pay with your bank card you see only "Deposited to 0000000"
I have never, ever saw that, it means that its going to a bank account not located in Belgium, and then STILL i dont get it, EVERY bank account has a number, this just said all zero's.
There has recently been a documentary on the exact same lab where i sent my blood to, about 6 people send their blood in, 4 of them were 100% healthy, they got in with hidden camera's.
Every test was positive, with even higher rates than mine, also in the perfect healthy people.
This whole controversy drives me insane, it keeps me awake at night, and there is not a real answer to my question.
I refuse to post this in r/Lyme because they will say it's lyme, they always do, there is even a person there who is VERY active in alot of boards (including this one) saying its lyme, i will not say his or hers username, but if that person replies here i will answer to him/her and only one answer and i hope that person gets out of this thread then.
TL;DR :
I think i have chronic lyme disease, i don't believe in long term antibiotics and i wouldn't take hem anyway because that hosts alot of other risks.
I've been to a "lyme specialist" who works with natural supplements but she is a scam.
My symptoms are :
Daily : Stomach/gut issues (feeling like throwing up), nausea
Hot flashes
Fatigue
Cant think straight
Racing thoughts
Chest pains
Rapid heartbeat
Slow heartbeat
Skipped heartbeats
Suicidal thoughts
Depression (because of the physical symptoms)
Cant eat (but i force myself)
I cant enjoy anything
Comes and goes :
Suicidal thoughts
Brain fog
Low blood sugar
Insomnia
Sleeping alot (yeah, both insomnia and this)
There are probably some more but i'm feeling very tired now and want to wrap this up.
Current meds i am on :
Pantomed 40mg (Pantoprazole)
Duspatalin Retard 200mg (for IBS, not really diagnosed, doc thinks i have it)
Diazepam 3x10mg/day (Valium), been taking this for the last six months.
Rupatall 10mg (for allergies, hay fever)
Somtimes Paracetamol for headache.
Been in 3 psych wards, no meds taken there except 1 month of antibiotics because they found borderline positive results for Anaplasmosis (wich is also carried around by ticks)
And 1 week of 2x2mg Xanax/day, didnt do much, only the first 3 days i felt better, almost "high".
Tests i have done in the last 2 years :
Full blood panel, nothing came up only low vitamin D (half the population or even more has that)
I saw 4 different cardiologists, 4 stress tests, 4 echo's of the heart and 2 times i have had a 24H heart monitor, all clear.
1 CT scan from the brain, clear.
2 MRI scans of the brain with injected dye, clear.
Tested for ALL STD's, virusses (even foreign virusses and i never left Belgium in the last 10 years), worms, they even checked my stool, it was a VERY long list of tests, about 4 pages, everything clear except Anaplasmosis borderline positive, but they told me my immune system got rid of it -> still took 1 month of antibiotics, no change.
Thyroid checked, even went to an Endocronilogist for hormonone testing, cortisol testing, all clear.
All my organs work fine according to my bloodwork.
Things i have tried : Psychiatrist
Psychologist (still going)
I tried going back on AD's about 6 months ago, but it gave me nasty symptoms and more panic attacks (that's why i'm on Benzo's now)
Breathing excercise at a physiotherapist, 20 hours, mild to no succes.
Things i do now :
Lay in bed almost all day or on the couch, watching TV, i even cant play anymore videogames because it makes me nauseaus.
Go to my psychologist once a month.
Very rarely i get out, my social life is almost non existent because of my symptoms.
I did manage to go to a friends house at New Years day and i stayed there for 6 hours, but i still felt bad, but a little better, but a long conversation is really exhausting for me.
I have 2 bands i wanna see and i have tickets for them but i think im not gonna go because i feel so bad.
Wich makes me depressed because i WANT to work, i WANT to go to social events, im completely sober, nothing seems to work.
I am stuck and i need help.
My doctor refuses to test me for other things because she is very convinced its all my anxiety, even when im on benzo's now i still feel bad, if it was anxiety shouldn' benzo's fix my problem then ?
They DO however help with the brain fog, i have alot less brain fog thanks to them.
Thank you for reading this, and maybe you dont have a clear answer for this but i hope someone reads this and can help me get my life back.
Thank you !
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self.Anxiety
|
Embarrassed Anyone else just feel like ashamed of being depressed? I feel like I have no reason to be depressed and anxious but I am, I just feel like I can’t shake the fog. But whenever I crack and confide in someone about my feelings I feel embarrassed then I apologize too much and I know it’s annoying so that just makes me feel more embarrassed and ugh :/
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self.depression
|
TW: Possible panic attacks/disorder (includes detailed symptom descriptions)? [Accidentally deleted, had to resubmit, sorry! :( ]
To make a long story... not quite as long--I've been dealing with anxiety-ridden spells [the term I'll use here] for the past ~12 years. I already have other mental health issues I'm dealing with [bipolar II with rapid-cycling, OCD, PTSD].
I've been passed around a shitload of doctors of various specialties while trying to just get these things diagnosed. Each has had differing opinions on what exactly is happening.
When they first started when I was 15/16 years old, my therapist and psychiatrist labelled them panic attacks. Odd ones, but panic attacks. My GP [from back then until now, same doctor that whole time] has been mostly on board with that.
Eventually, my psychiatrist just kind of admitted defeat and said they likely weren't panic attacks because of the odd duration/pattern of them and because no treatments [therapy, countless preventative and as-needed meds] ever made a dent in them.
So I saw a neurologist. Because the spells started following a head injury [never lost consciousness, also never got medical help when it happened], she tried out the idea that maybe they were simple partial seizures. Had an MRI, CT, EEG, all came back unremarkable. I was tried on three seizure meds [and I'm on a fourth currently for nerve damage] and yet again, not a bit of relief.
Then I tried therapy and a psychiatrist again. He said they don't sound like panic attacks, so he couldn't help me.
I started seeing a new neurologist in May. He wondered if they could be silent migraines [and I also suffer from "typical" painful migraines already]. So he tried me on migraine meds which have all but fixed the typical migraines, but haven't done a thing to the spells.
I saw him again today, and again, I've been given up on and just... shoved along. The appointment basically boiled down to, "Hell if I know. Try a psychiatrist again."
Following is a detailed description of these spells. Is it really worth it for me to try therapy *again*? I'm in BC, Canada, and my only option for therapy right now is a local mental health walk-in clinic--I would never be seeing the same therapist more than once, I wouldn't have appointments, I'd have to just show up and wait hours to see someone every time I go... Does anyone else experience these fucking things?
Every single one starts with déjà vu. Sometimes, that's where it ends--I get a moment of déjà vu and after a second of fear--"Is a spell starting?"--it all stops. Sometimes I get that déjà vu without a full spell as many as dozens of times a day. In those cases, I almost get this visual flash/image in my mind's eye but I can never fully make out what it is. It always feels like it's something I've dreamed before?
Once the déjà vu fully sets in after a few seconds, I just feel panic. There's a rising, extremely uncomfortable almost... heat? in my chest, above my heart. Everything around me feels "wrong". I try to change things that are around me, as if that might make it feel less awful; I might turn off the TV or throw items around. If I'm in bed at home, I'll bite my pillow and just scream until it passes. I think I might also get slight tunnel vision during it?
I can force myself not to scream--and have to if I'm in public when it happens. But it just feels a bit better to be able to shriek into the void?
They *never* last longer than 60-90 seconds [and this is what has confused all of the mental health professionals I've seen]. I've had as many as three in a day and can sometimes have gaps of up to three months between them. Stress makes them worse; certain sources of caffeine seem to make them more likely to happen. Although these make them "more likely", I don't have a single definitive "this will definitely cause one" trigger. I get them while awake and even *asleep*--though because I sleep alone now, I don't know exactly when I have them in my sleep unless it's a rare time that I wake up in the middle of one.
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self.Anxiety
|
To Alyssa. The other day at work I was talking to my friend and she asked me a really deep question. “If somebody were to come get you when you died and take you away, who would it be.” That hit me hard because I knew exactly who I had in mind. I’m in the military so I like to keep my work life and personal life as two separate entities so I just told her that I didn’t know. Alyssa will come to get me when it’s my time. Alyssa was my beautiful,stubborn,argumentative and just all around perfect girlfriend. She passed away in the summer of 2016 and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and wonder what life would be like. It’s hard going through the motions some days because I don’t want them knowing my personal life issues. So here I am angry/frustrated/sad on a Friday night just trying to take some weight off of my shoulders.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm a 21 y/o male virgin and I honestly don't know how I feel about that My being a virgin is definitely involuntary but ever since I had sexual desire around my teenage years I never really tried to get together with girls to have sex. I never felt attracted to any girls beyond a physical sense. I didn't want to have sex with a girl that I didn't connect with. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I just have so little experience with relationships at all that I'm too scared to get physical with someone. Maybe I'm not desirable and I'm just a loser. I HAVE NO IDEA!
In recent years in college I still don't find any women attractive beyond a physical sense. I don't want to date a woman that I'm only attracted to because I think she's pretty.
I don't know if I should pity myself for being a virgin or if I'm waiting for someone special without realizing it. I feel like it's easier for a woman to decide she wants to wait for the right guy because if she wanted to she could easily have sex with any guy because many men are after sex. But as a man if I want to wait for the right woman I might just be telling myself that because if I wanted to have sex I probably couldn't.
I don't know how to feel about my situation. I've only ever had 1 girlfriend in my life but she had a lot of mental health issues and it deteriorated the relationship. I tried to help her but I wasn't able to do much. Maybe it's time for me to start dating but I feel wrong about online dating. It just seems so shallow and degrading. I don't even know if I want to put myself out there or if I should just continue to live my life and hope I run into the right girl for me.
Can I get any thoughts on what it seems like I should do?
|
self.offmychest
|
I get anxiety while mowing the lawn? I hate cutting grass , it sucks cause my parents think I'm lazy when in reality I just have anxiety but they think its non sense , I feel like I'm the center of attention when I cut the grass also the fact that my neighbors dogs always bark at me while I cut the grass doesn't make it any better it just makes me feel like they are bringing attention on to me , can anyone help or give advice ?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I failed at hanging myself So I’m a 16 year old guy and I decided that everyone at school is right to hate me and I might as well just fucking die. I tied the rope right and was fully committed but my feet hit the floor and I’m still breathing. I’m so fucking frustrated. I just wanna leave. People at school have made it clear they don’t want me around so imma grant them their wish.
|
self.depression
|
My dad is threatening to divorce my mom and kick me out of the family completely saying that I am selfish and stubborn [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Idk what I'm feeling. I'm currently in the middle of being assessed and finding out what's up with me. Most likely bipolar of some sort. Not trying to get diagnosed. Just don't really know what's going on with me and analyzing myself is scary and confusing. Just want to know if...I forgot what I wanted to get out of this. Advice, maybe?
Lately my mind's been goo. I think about all these things. I was going to do one thing and before even getting to do that I end up having another idea and before I get to do that it's another thought... It's like I'm having 50 pcs in my head each playing a video. I pause one to watch the other one but then I have to pause another and 5 minutes later I'm back at the original topic and repeat. I've become focused? Idk really get myself rn. I don't feel like sprinting around singing. I have all these ideas and they are so many I can't even get anything done. Well. I did mange to finish kind of a disposition for the Norwegian text as what I wrote at first was a complete mess. While writing I kept getting lost in my thoughts running too far off but I always managed to reel myself in for two minutes or so. Also, I had this really weird sensation. I got these "ripples" on my left side? Like I was so lost in my head that when I actually looked at my computer and surroundings it felt like I didn't have a body? Or. It's difficult to describe. Kind of what I would imagine magic would feel like. Or being touched by an angel. Kinda lost touch with reality there for a moment. I'm not experiencing rapid speech anymore. Only rapid thoughts. Trying to filter out thoughs with "loud" music. It kinda works. But yeah. I don't remember what my point was but I feel like I'm concentrating more on school work! I feel kind of intrigued. I just keep losing what I'm writing. It's like I have all these thoughts and ideas and they just fall between my fingers. Like I still feel like screaming off my access energy but it's different than a few days ago. I don't get myseeelf.
I don't really know what's real or not. I forgot what's just happened numerous times and I don't know if what I experienced is real and time is really bendy. It's kinda freaky and I feel I am a bit paranoid. I don't fully believe these thoughts but they seem probable. My mind is whipped cream. Fuck I forgot something else I was going to write. I'll see if I can het back to it. I don't know if what I perceive as reality actually is true. Like did I actually say what I thought I said? Are people avoiding me suddenly? Am I being weird? I think I'm acting normal but my friend keeps misunderstandings me. I've been away from school for a month because I was depressed and he says sorry I haven't talked to you in a while I need to refresh my talking to sara skills. You're at a complete different wave length. I also acted like a drunk a few days ago even though I haven't been drinking and a classmate said I was really far out?
I also have these moments where I feel down. Like just suddenly my mood drops significantly for 15-60 min and I'm back up again? Not usually like this. Also suddenly emotional. Watched bambi yesterday and my heart was on fire! My left eye is also twitching. Idk man.
I don't have that fuck yeah! energy anymore. I feel like I'm in a trance.
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self.bipolar
|
I love my long time girlfriend. She just makes sex stressful and way more work than it has to be. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Something that has helped my depression... Hi, All. I just stumbled across this sub, and have been reading some of the posts. I'm not bi-polar; I have dysthymia, a long-term, low-grade depression that "occasionally" explodes into major depressive episodes.
Something that I have learned over the years that has helped me get through the ***really*** down times is remembering this:
God gave us our emotions as a compass, not a punishment.
If you're feeling overwhelmed and really down, do what you can to create some energy: sleep, eat, take a walk, watch a comedy. Then, sit down and make a list of the things you think are care causing this feeling of being overwhelmed and/or depressed (other than the obvious brain chemistry imbalance).
Once you have the list, for each item, try to think of a way to:
* Fix or change it: make a plan
* Find a way to cope with it.
* Find a way to accept it.
You won't have an answer for every item. There might be things on the list that you can't put anything down for; that's alright, at least you've acknowledged it.
Share your list with someone you trust, and definitely share it with your therapist. Ask for help on the items you couldn't figure out. Ask for opinions on the plans that you did make. Ask for suggestions on everything.
I can guarantee that just doing this exercise will help you feel better, because it will begin to give you a sense of control. Once you begin to have a sense of control, you will find the energy to start tackling the plans you have made. Start with the short and easy ones, and work your way up.
One last thought: you only fail when you give up.
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self.bipolar
|
Always feeling terrified. Help everyone, I'm losing it. Between health anxiety, ocd, agorophobia, and social anxiety, I feel like I'm constantly losing my mind. I'm too scared to kill myself. Too scared to take medication. Too scared to exercise. Too scared to brush my teeth. Idk what the fuck is going on. I smoke cigarettes and weed, male, 23. Former acid and opiate fiend. Help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel afraid. My thoughts don’t make sense anymore I’ve been up and down without any kind of predictability for a long time, but this time is different and I don’t know why. I feel off, everything feels off and I can’t really pinpoint what it is but something isn’t right. I feel like I’m floating out in space with nothing to keep me from drifting aimlessly forever. Everything is sinister and fake but I don’t really understand how or why. Something isn’t right and I hate feeling like this. Something bad is going to happen soon but I don’t know when or why. Leaving isn’t an option but I wish it was.
I just needed to vent. I don’t understand what is happening.
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self.bipolar
|
Issues with anxiety and new relationships I have never been diagnosed with anxiety but in the past 10 years I've determined that I do in fact struggle with it and with self-worth. I typically manage it by meditating, listening to music, venting, ect. Work and relationships are my 2 biggest triggers. It has even gotten tot the point that I would rather not date than get the anxiety of not knowing whats going on... I'm a bit of a control freak and I need to know my future.
So that brings me to my latest string of anxiety attacks.
I have been seeing a new guy for about 6 weeks or so. In the beginning, I did a great job at not getting anxious from being unsure about things (probably because at the time I didn't know what I wanted and I was just starting to like him). Now that we've been hanging out more I'm getting more invested and interesed. I had a big panic attack last week because he didn't ask me out for a week (I know this sounds rediculous but we would hang out 2 times a week before the holidays and now we hang out 1 time a week) so my mind is racing and I have convinced myself that he doesnt like me as much and he is uninterested. We still text every day so I know that he is interested.
He asked me out again and my anxiety faided away but my trust issues came up... meaning that I felt he only reached out for sex, ect. We end up hanging out and having a great time. He mentions me meeting his friends and I can tell he really likes me. After an awkward conversation (discussing safe sex, I brought this up) he mentioned that I am the only person he is seeing.
Because of my insecurities, I am still convinced he isn't being truthful and he hasn't exactly done anything to prove otherwise (i know he still has dating apps on his phone). I am trying to think the best in people and not assume that everyone is lying but its difficult.
What advice do you have to keep a steady mind and not create fake scenarios when starting a relationship?
TL;DR: Unneccesary Anxiety in new relationships; How to fight it?
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self.Anxiety
|
Holidays are rough I guess I'm optimistic, I always look forward to holidays and spending time with my family and catching up. But it never really seems to workout that way, 2 out of 3 times by the end of it all I want to do is be alone and cry myself to sleep. If I had to describe the feeling itd probably have to say its some mix of nostalgia fueled longing for when my family was enjoyable to be around, disappointment, loneliness, and feelings of inferiority.
To clarify; I'm(22) the youngest of a close family of 6, with a 13 year gap between me and the second youngest cousin. They're all very jaded and judgemental and dont really care about anything but getting their kids to bed early and getting an aunt to babysit so they can go out shopping tomorrow morning. It's lonely and difficult, I always get judged and misunderstood for being broke and working retail and living at home and whatever else. Which I hate, I feel like a fucking loser everyday but it's always harder to get reminded by outside sources, even if they are well meaning to an extent.
Tldr; just wanna have fun with family, family makes me sad
I dunno guys.
Just wanted to vent I guess.
|
self.depression
|
Too anxious to quit my job? Sorry this is so long...I'm stressed out and that makes me run on and on, I guess. Also sorry if this isn't the appropriate place...lmk.
So I've been struggling with anxiety throughout the past few years, but it got really bad about 9-10 months ago. Nothing in my life has changed (I'm married, been at the same job for the past 5 years, haven't moved in years, etc) that would trigger my uptick in anxiety. I tried sticking it out, but 2 months ago it got so bad I finally decided to do something about.
So two months ago, I started seeing a therapist and taking an SSRI. Turns out the SSRI was a TERRIBLE fit for me. AWFUL. I'm off it now, but I feel like I totally wasted a month of my life (I've dubbed it Hell Month). The first two weeks I had crazy physical symptoms (nausea, etc). Doctor kept telling me to stick it out. Third week I started doing okay, I thought...then fourth week I started having manic episodes and stuff so my doc finally told me wean off.
It's officially all out of my system now, so I should be back to my pre-SSRI self. And I am...except at work.
During the Hell Month, my bosses were awesome. We are a small business - it's the two owners, me (office manager, salaried and full-time), one other full-time employee, and a few part-timers. The first week, since I was sooo sick, I worked maybe 6 hours total. They still gave me a full paycheck, without dipping into my personal or sick time. Second week, I came in more but still wasn't anywhere near 40hrs - again, full check, no PTO used.
I'd had a panic attack in the office back in November, so my bosses know my illness is anxiety-related and they've been encouraging me since back then to start working on getting better. They've been sooo understanding and supportive through the whole process.
I genuinely love my bosses -- I have the entire time I've worked here! They are great mentors and role models. I also adore the other employees here -- the other full-timer and I are a great team.
But the past 1-2 years, I've been feeling stuck. My job isn't super interesting, it's not important (beyond getting all the owners/employees paychecks--which IS something that's needed, but...idk). Commute isn't awful. It's also not a particularly stressful job, and the money is great (I've definitely got golden handcuffs on).
Buuuut everything I've gone through in the last month has really hammered in how much of my mental health is being impacted by this job--which sucks so much because it's a job others would probably kill for! Even though the SSRI is out of my system, I'm still shaking and nauseous when I arrive every morning...
I've got some side hustles that I would love to make my main job. My husband and I can make the financials work (benefits through his job that he LOVES).
BUT... I have no idea how to quit. I can't stomach the idea of disappointing my bosses, ESPECIALLY since they've been so gracious with me through all this crap. I hate the idea of stressing out my coworkers. I know, logically, I need to bite the bullet and look out for myself first...BUT HOW?? How do I not feel like a terrible human being for letting all these wonderful people down?
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self.Anxiety
|
I wish I would’ve done sports when I was younger I really regret that I didn’t keep doing football and not trying basketball when I was younger. I wasted it all on video games and now I feel like I wasted so much potential. I’m a senior in high school and going to basketball games and football games kind of kills me a little bit inside knowing that I could’ve been one of the better players on the team and having people cheer for me and just being appreciated in general. I only started track last year and I was one of the worst runners on the team and I ended in the middle of the pack and made some incredible memories along the way. It made me look back on all those years I didn’t get involved with my school or try any sports. Track season starts in like a week now and I’m not even anywhere close to being good enough to run in varsity and I’m a senior.
I wish I would’ve tried getting into something competitive when I was younger and kept practicing it until I was really good at it. Now I’m 18 and I’m just average at everything. It’s like I’ve accomplished nothing.
I’m sorry if this is all over the place or not allowed in this sub but I just really needed to type this out and get this off my chest. I have no one to talk to about these kinds of things. Thank you so much for reading this
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self.depression
|
What do you want to do in the future? Don't know. Too busy trying not to kill myself.
Don't you want to get out of retail eventually?
Don't think I can, given I'm not dead in the reasonably near future, I don't have the mental fortitude anymore to do anything else.
Said no one ever out loud.
|
self.depression
|
I know I'm going insane, and I want to end it before it gets worse. Diagnosed bipolar here. Every episode I have gets worse and worse. They alternate between manic/mixed and pure depression, lasting anywhere from 3-6 months, and happen at least twice a year. I thought it was bad when it started and I fucked relationships up when I was manic. Then the more time went on, the more I've lost my ability to emotionally connect with anyone. I'm so alone. During my last two episodes, I suffered from "pseudo dementia", basically you're so sick that your brain mimics the brain of a dementia patient. And it's not going away. Even in the time between episodes, my cognition gets more impaired. I've tried so many meds that my doc told me my condition is "treatment resistant." I've read that being in any sort of close relationship with someone who's bipolar can be horribly psychologically taxing. I don't want to do that to anyone. Not only am I a horrible burden to people who do care about me, but I know I have already put them through a tremendous amount of pain. I don't want to keep doing that. I've heard committing suicide hurts people more than other more "natural" deaths, so I want to find a way to make it seem natural.
Not only do I know I'm losing my mind and who I am (being taken advantage of and harming people when I'm in an episode), but I know that morally I have to be alone for the rest of my life. How do I do it?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety seems to be getting worse and I feel helpless First, I wanted to say I've been lurking here for a while and it really helps to know that I'm not alone when it comes to being anxious. I've been consciously dealing with anxiety since I was about sixteen (though I'm pretty sure I was showing signs and symptoms way back in first grade). I'm 24 now and it's been a consistent push/pull effort for me to be a functional person. I fought hard to get my degree, I've been working hard at my first "real" job out of college. I have a lot to be proud of, but I've noticed of late that my anxiety has begun to tear its ugly head again. I can attribute this primarily to my commute to work. My job is pretty far from where I live now (usually an hour each way), and the original plan was to move at the end of my lease. However, my boyfriend (whom I live with and really couldn't afford to live without) got a job a mile down the road from our place a few months ago. Taking this into consideration, plus the fact that we don't really have money to move/make a deposit/pay double rent right now, resulted in us renewing our lease. I know that my commute is not sustainable and has been stressing me out, so I've been hunting for jobs close by. However, I'm finding it impossible to get interviews for anything. I'm at a loss because I need to be able to make a livable wage to pay for my bills, student loans, health insurance and therapy, and retail/food service make up the majority of job listings in my area. Anything relevant to my degree requires a ton of experience that I just don't have yet.
To top it off, a few weeks ago I was in a car accident with my boyfriend. Fortunately we were all fine, but both cars were totaled in the incident. I wasn't the one driving, but for the past week I've had really bad anxiety when it comes to driving, especially on the highway. And given that I spend roughly two hours a day getting back and forth to work *on the highway*, I am feeling absolutely miserable. I can't financially afford to quit my job, but I was already having a hard time stomaching the stress of my job and the commute, and now it's becoming nearly impossible. I know logically I could probably speak to my employer and get some time off to take care of myself, but I don't know that I'd ever want to come back. Then I'd have to deal with finding a job while being unemployed, which is another can of worms entirely.
I guess I just needed to vent all of this, but I'm also curious if any of you have been in a similar situation and how you dealt with it. I'm super tired of feeling like shit.
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self.Anxiety
|
Nothing matters at all I'm convinced that it's impossible to persuade me into thinking life has any meaning. I get the "make life have a meaning by doing what you enjoy and being around people you love" mindset, but at the end of the day we're all gonna die
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self.depression
|
Anxiety from being alone It's hard to explain but I am not a very social person due to my anxiety BUT I also hate being alone because I'm afraid if something were to happen I'd have no one there to help (example: I have anxiety over having a heart attack and not being able to call for help and dying because I wasn't able to help myself). Anyone else struggle with this? I usually go to my parents because I feel "safe" there. I'm getting a room mate in January and feel as though this might ease it a little...or at least I hope.
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self.Anxiety
|
My once-best friend abandoned me and I just need to talk to someone Hi everyone,
I lurk on this sub from time to time and relate to maybe 95% of the posts but try to stay off cause it makes me feel worse.
I've had depression, anxiety and potentially ADD issues as long as I can remember. I was able to mask them for so long by thinking positively about the future. Oh high school sucks? College os a fresh start! Oh this class sucks? It'll be over in 3 months, no biggie!
Plus I finally made friends (or so I thought) in college for the first time in my life. Everything was pretty good until I graduated 3 years ago.
Since then I've been in a huge downward spiral. The first year was okay because I got a job in my college town (a VERY well paying one too) and still got to hang with some underclassmen. But then they all graduated and I was alone again.
So I reverted back to the "positive future". I'll move to NYC and reconnect with everyone! Since thats where most grads from my school get jobs and move to.
Finally started liking my job. Got my boss to let me move to NYC with said exfriend and work remote. The job ended about 2 months after I moved. They offered me a new position but I was so angry at them I declined it and went to travel for a few months. Oh yeah, I discovered I love traveling in the last 2 years too after being terrified of flying for 20+. Sorry trying to keep this shortish.
4 months later (mostly enjoyable sans one night in Prague where I almost killed myself after a shocking revelation of something terrible I was unkowingly doing for years)
When I returned, exfriend had casually mentioned a job at his company that was basically walk on. Literally at the connection airport coming home and he tells me it's no longer an option. Totally not his fault though, change in management.
Over the next 4 months and the final 4 of my NYC lease we grew further apart. I spent too much time drinking as I was now unemployed. Once that time was up I went back home and finally found a job a couple months after halfway across the country.
I knew he hadn't been super thrilled with me recently but we were always good friends and on the same side dealing with all the shitheads in the world. Couple nights ago, after not seeing him for 8 months, he went on a HUGE rant. About how I'm an alcoholic (not totally wrong, it's the only thing that ever helped my issues and I've tried medications), a shitty friend, intolerable to be around, basically super hurtful stuff I would never say to anyone, not even my worst enemy. And this is a guy I was good friends with for 8 years. And then said he was done with me and to get help.
I feel super lost, I'm in a random state with a new job in a career field I despise (same field as that initial job in college town), basically no friends aside from some acquaintances from tinder and my second job which is way more fun but not enough to live off of. My condition is getting worse and worse. I've tried therapists but I cannot relate to them. No one understands me not even this exfriend who claims I'm so "emotionally unavailable". I did lexapro for 2 months and felt literally no change, positive or negative. About to try cymbalta instead, so who knows.
I feel so betrayed. Most of this is my fault. I tend to get a bit angry verbally when I drink, especially around people I know (around strangers I will make friends with the entire bar though). Just lots of ranting and complaining. And I know that isn't enjoyable and I've tried to change. I'm trying to reconnect with my very few remaining college friends but this has hurt me in a way no one ever has. A real "et tu Brute" moment.
If you actually read all that, you da real MVP.
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self.depression
|
I know I'm a terrible person, stop trying to tell me otherwise. I cheated on him. I was in the wrong, I'm the monster. I was too scared to tell him about it for months because he made me happy and offered a promising future, and I just couldn't imagine giving that up. That was selfish, and it broke his trust.
I was becoming afraid that I couldn't be myself around him; he said I was changing and I know that I was, but I wish we changed together. The distance made that hard though, and he was growing unsure of the changes. But with her, I could be myself and she supported it 100 percent. I was not afraid to express who I really want to be.
My friends try to convince me that this doesn't make me a bad person. They say he was holding me back from my true self. That's what the counselor is trying to tell me too, but I don't believe it. Maybe he was holding me back, but that doesn't give me the right to betray the three years of trust and love that we built for each other. I hold a lot of guilt for not telling him and breaking up with him sooner.
I hope you're reading this.
I regret a lot of things, too. But I don't regret the memories we had together before I fucked it up. I regret all of the terrible decisions I made leading up to the end of our relationship. I know you don't want to hear about me or how I'm doing, but that's all I want to know about you. I want you to be happy and to move on from this because that's what you deserve. I want you to forget about me and all the pain I caused you. I have thought about reaching out so many times but ultimately, I don't think that's fair to you. That doesn't stop me from asking every one of our mutual friends how you're doing, though.
EDIT: This is probably vaguely incoherent, but I'm a mess and I have been for a month. It's hard to capture my many thoughts and turn them into logical sentences and paragraph structure.
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self.offmychest
|
I just want to.
Is that so bad? Everyday it hurts. Everyday I wake up and face life knowing that it will never leave me. Everyday I go through the motions trying to get better, but it's all useless. I have some good months then everything crashes and dies all around me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't feel okay. I got news that affordable, rent geared to income housing here in The Niagara region, the wait time for a one bedroom is 16 years. My school program I wanted to do, which a student Loan will cover maybe a little less than half, is $16,400 (CAD), my mother is gaining full custody of my daughter because of that wait list for housing, and I don't have a stable enough environment for her right now. I'm working a seasonal job I despise, where I'm written down as full time but not even working enough to meet part time hours, and I've lost all hope.
I have no one to talk to.
I'm lost.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How to tame waves of Depression Is their a secret to do this besides therapy ?
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self.depression
|
Well, I did it again I cut myself. It's not my first time, but it's different. The last few times I balled my eyes out and curled into a corner, crying. Not this time. I just did it to feel something. Something not fake. All day I go through an act. Class, lifting, socializing it's all an act. I act like a normal functioning human, but I'm dead. When everything is over I'm just blank. I feel nothing. Not sad or mad, nothing. It's worse. Feeling nothing felt so wrong I had to feel something, so I cut my wrist. It didn't help. Now I have to act like I didn't cut myself. Just made my act harder. I don't know if this made sense, but I just needed to say this.
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self.depression
|
How do you tell your family? So I started therapy this semester (I’m in college and everything here is free). I’ve been dealing with my awful mental health for at least 7 years, so while I am also “manually” working on myself, mostly my self esteem and family issues, it’s not going to fix everything besides make myself not hate myself in certain situations, avoid/identify abusive/toxic situations, and I guess put myself in a better situation when it comes to my family.
Something we have noticed was that my family always comes to me. I’m surprisingly good at dealing with certain situations with sound advice and I don’t go telling other people (besides my boyfriend).
However, I have learned I cannot do the same with my family. My mom told numerous people I was depressed, and the way she dealt with my depression was to yell at me, ask me why 50,000 times when I didn’t know, and to threaten to take me to a psychiatric hospital and told me how bad they were. I got no help.
That was **seven years ago**.
Needless to say, I’m scared of telling my parents. I’m almost guaranteed I’ll be diagnosed with something and prescribed medication. I definitely cannot pay full price on medicine, so it’ll be on our insurance.
I live on campus an hour and a half away so I’ll call Dad who will have a better reaction who will likely tell Mom (or she’ll overhear). Hopefully dodge a whole lot of fall out before I go home for winter break. It’s a lot of “I’m a horrible mother!” and such.
I plan on keeping it factual (ie “low mood” not “sad”) and not personal. I’m not quite sure what else to do. I have no idea how to cushion what comes next and make it as less stressful for everyone.
Advice? How’d it go for you?
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self.depression
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I want to die, but I'm too scared to kill myself. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else get mad when somebody says life is short? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Is it weird no one has told me they love me? I suffer from bipolar disorder and I am definitely at a low after having felt normal last week. I will be honest, this is really bothering me. I try and put myself out there, I tryinteract like a normal person...usually, and people like talking to me, but no one has ever said this to me, not even family. Is this weird?
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self.depression
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College wont help with therapy, how do I find a low cost therapist? Well I dragged myself to school to talk the disability services about what they could do for me and went to the mental health services as well to see if I could see a therapist. I was told they couldn't help someone with bipolar. So how do I go about finding a therapist when I'm basically broke as shit? I went to a place close by before that adjusted based on income earlier in this year, but the only therapist that was willing to take me ended up being someone I really couldn't stand. So that place is out of the options, not sure if any other places around are income based, but I haven't found any yet in my search.
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self.depression
|
I want to die. I am not here for pity, sympathy, or for people to tell me to hold on because it'll eventually get better. As much as I want to believe that, I don't. And as much as I want to die, I am also scared of what will happen to my family and friends if I do. I don't want anyone to mourn me or remember me. I just want to be gone.
I don't think I deserved to be born. I cause so much grief for my family. I hate how much pain and worry I have caused for my parents. The other day, my dad told me in anger that I require too much attention, and I cannot forget about that. It is not what I want now, nor have I ever wanted. I did not want to ever be in this position but you cannot choose your life. I don't think I will get better and I am tired of fighting it.
This year has been a really hard beginning already, because that fight was on the 30th. We have made up since then but it's hard to shake the feeling now that I am nothing more than a waste of space and a burden. I'm not a kid anymore. I am old enough to live by myself, drive, go to college, have a job. I am doing none of those things because I can't. I am seeing my doctor to this week, but I just need to get out. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know what else to do.
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self.offmychest
|
Aaah my mom keeps making me look bad I got home from meeting a person with a social services person and
MY MOM KEEPS HARASSING ME
SHE KEPT LOOKING AT ME WITH A "weird face" (I only say that cuz she always says that "I'm making a face" when I'm not) at me and looking back and forth at me and my brother and I asked her why she was doing that and she said its cuz she wanted my brother to stop me from acting this way
!???!?!?!?!
I DONT GET IT
I said "as I fully explained" and then my brother started reading a LOT louder to my nephew so he wouldn't hear us, so I went upstairs and my mom KEPT ON SAYING "What!??! Why are you going away why are you acting so MEAN!?!?!?!?!" and I came downstairs (and upstairs and downstairs like a million times cuz she kept on calling me again) and
I finally said "as I fully explained I didn't explain how the date went cuz you asked if I wanted pie 3 times today and I already said yes and four years ago you kept mentioning my counseler" and thats when she kept looking back and forth at me and my brother with a weird face and my brother said as an outsider I look like the one being ridiculous and she said she wanted my brother to stop me from acting this way
and I keep saying I'm sorry for doing whatever made her think I'm being mean while crying and she keeps saying whatever she doesn't want to talk to me anymore
this always happens aaah
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self.Anxiety
|
Bored and lonely, but no energy to do anything about it I'd say I hate this feeling but I don't really think I can hate anything right now. It sucks the way that the only real cure for the things I'm feeling is to miraculously find the wherewithal to not feel them, long enough to, say, meet new people, or even just go for a walk. Or make food.
God it sucks.
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self.depression
|
I'm not the person I seem, but I CAN'T change ... [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I just want the pain to go away. I feel so dissatisfied and unhappy with my life. Nothing brings me joy anymore and it's been over a year that I've spent clinically depressed. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong has gone wrong. Nothing would bring me greater joy or greater peace than to just finally breathe my last breath.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Today I found out I have to blind my dog of 15 years. Today, after taking my dog to the vet, he has had chronic eye issues, the vet suggested that it would be better for Dan, to have both eyes removed because of the infections reoccurring. I broke down in the vet office because this dog has been with me through thick and thin and I am ending his ability to see. He has been my best friend for 15 years and I know that he is getting older, but this brings the thought of him dying and me losing my best friend closer to the forefront of my mind.
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self.depression
|
I hate when people incorrectly say mental health problems are due to a chemical imbalance. This is petty I know, but it bothers me. It’s based on a view of psychopharmacology that is very out of date and was never universally accepted by scientists. There is no evidence supporting the theory that low serotonin causes depression. I understand that it can be useful to have a sciencey sounding reason to give people who don’t believe mental illness is real, but it feels wrong to say the ends justify the means when you’re spreading misinformation. People with mental illnesses have a variety of structural changes and functional differences that have nothing to do with having the wrong amount of this or that neurotransmitter. Medications work, but they don’t work by balancing chemicals.
Edited to add: Tylenol curing headaches doesn’t mean headaches are caused by a deficiency of acetaminophen in the brain. SSRIs curing depression does not mean depression is caused by a lack of serotonin in the brain.
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self.offmychest
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Do you ever feel like you had undiagnosed symptoms of bipolar/mental illness in childhood? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I got sent disturbing images of a girl cutting herself and another one where a girl was performing "self trepenation". So about 2 months ago i went on this exchange trip program (if that makes any sense) where, i visited another city while staying at a host family.
The whole trip went great and i had no problems. While at the trip i met this girl which we talked for a bit. She was very friendly and funny so eventually we exchanged numbers.
After the trip, back at home, i found my phone buzzing and i saw 2 private messages sent by the girl in question. At first i didn't think much of it and opened my phone, then i was greeted with a disturbing picture of the girl i met, cutting herself from the arm to the lower abdomen, followed by a short video of another girl performing self trepenation. I was disgusted at the time and didn't know what to do since the girl i met lived very far from me and i didn't have any other form of contact information. I decided to ignore the messages since i didn't now what to do much of it.
After a while, i got no more messages from her and this got me thinking.
I went to check her previous contact information (i.e instagram, phone number and what not) but nothing pop upped. Everything seemed to be deleted and i found nothing.
For a couple of days now i have this guilt feeling, for not knowing what happened to the girl, and its eating me alive. I've even checked police reports but still not found anything regarding the girl. I feel like shit and i had to get this off my chest. My final question to you dear redditor is, what should've i had done and what should i do if its not to late.
P.S English is not my first language so sorry in advance if there are any sentences that don't make sense or any grammatical mistakes.
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self.offmychest
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I just don’t know what to do Why does everything have to be so difficult
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self.depression
|
Doing it in 10 days I've started to think about suicide about 2.5 years ago I think. It was on and off, sometimes the thoughts come up only once a month, sometimes every day.
Pretty recently I found out that I'm a trans girl, so that's fun. Successfully transitioning in the shithole that I live in is almost impossible, and if I manage to do it, then I'll just become an outcast.
My dream was to get a degree in software engineering and get a work visa (like H-1B) in some progressive country and then transition with the help of medical professionals over there (because here I'll have to go the DIY way), but because I'm depressed and have no motivation to study I failed many of my final exams and I am getting flunked out of uni.
The cherry on top of all this is that because I won't be in uni anymore I will be forced to go through a 1-year compulsory military training, and I'm scared to imagine what kind of humiliation, bullying and abuse I will be subjected to over there, so I'd rather just die than deal with all of this shit.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Oy vey! It's Wednesday. 8.9 mid week check in. So how you doin? How's your week going?
For those of you who posted goals on the Sunday thread, a [reminder](https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/6s2ezb/goal_setting_sunday_8617/)
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self.bipolar
|
Things are spiraling towards another burn out... My mom is in critical condition again and I am (m/19) supposed to be attending school and schedule my licensing exam while taking care of my new puppy. I also missed my last therapy appointment. I have taken a lot of days off this past week because I am worried. I haven’t taken my medication (today) and I know stress is one of my triggers. I have taken non-prescribed adderall (20mg extended and quick release, not at the same time) and have started doing more risky behavior. Any advice/support? Also apologies for not using more flairs, I am on mobile so...
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self.bipolar
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My best friend's mother has recently passed away, she is looking for a relationship I don't want. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I'm the one. Yeah,
Hear you sick of all those other imitators
Don't let the *only* real one intimidate ya...
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self.offmychest
|
Trying to cope with my Asian family. Not sure if you guys know but Asians love traditions. It annoys me how ignorant these people are. Everything must be done accordingly, there are no other options, listen to the elder ones because they are right and you are wrong, and because you're young. I got to the point where I satrted thinking about suiciding and leaving a letter saying that it's their fault.
(Skip to 2nd last paragraph for generalisation)
So the story is that my Asian side of the family are a bunch of cunts that care about positions in the society. And the more I think about that fact the more it disgusts me. I decided that I want to go to medical university. It was the family's idea as well but it was my idea first. Then I started worrying that my grades won't be good enough and I might not be well qualified so I thought that I'll decide if I really want to go into medicals after I graduate from highschool.
My intention of going into medicals is to help people, of course I'm not gonna say that the salary isn't attractive but that is not the main reason why I chose medicals. And these people, my family says, oh you should go to medicals so you get rich and get high position in society. I can't. I just can't. The more I think about this sentence the more disgusted I feel. I told them, hey medicals will be my priority, but I won't go if my grades are too bad. But the answer from them is, go to medical that's where you will become great. They even looked up universities so I can go back to my country to study medicals there because there is this rule that allows students who went to a foreign country but want to come back to study here to have 80% as full score on tests. Meaning the grade for me to get full score is easier.
They keep telling me the same plan they have over and over and over and fucking over again as if it was their idea for me to go to medicals. As if I was forced into medicals, as if it wasn't my choice to go into medicals.
I keep telling them to talk to me and to not talk with my mom about it. Who the fuck is she to be asked. Not like I have a problem right, but if you're gonna fucking make up a plan behind my fucking back and force me into? Are you kidding me? I'm not even saying that I don't want to go into medicals, I'm saying if I'm not good enough I won't.
These people with their fucking self-centric mentality. They do not accept your ideas, not even if you stand in the middle. You must do what they fucking want you to do. And this guy (my cunt ass dad)... keeps fucking trying to call me. Just fucking text me dude wtf. If I wasn't able to pick up the god damn phone just fucking text me.
I don't feel respected at all. They are adults, have they never heard of quotes similar to, let your kids do what they want? Of course, I know they want the best for me, but they don't realize that they're hypocrites and that they are forcing it on me. And twisting my thoughts.
I feel like I won't regret it if they disappear, and I feel like it'd be great if they understood how impudent they are if I decided to suicide and blame them for everything. You know how like, people say, you have no idea what it is like to lose your close ones. It's true, I don't. I've tried imagining it, and it's scaring me because I don't feel sad, but imagination is nothing compared to reality I suppose.
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self.depression
|
Mum just had her first panic attack I've been dealing with panic disorder/Agoraphobia for about 2 years now. And today, my mum just had her first panic attack. She didn't get much sleep last night so she decided to take the day off work, I think that stressed her out a lot, and on top of missing work in the past because of illness she was worried a lot. She also said that she'd work tomorrow, and was extra worried about not getting any sleep 2 days in a row and missing even more work. I think all this started to have a massive impact on her and she ended up having a major panic attack, crying, shaking, hyperventilating, the lot. She thought she was going to die.
It was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen, coming from someone who's experienced it too many times myself.
I just hope this isn't going to be a reoccurring thing like it was with me. I hope this is just a one-off because of a stressful situation.
God I hope.
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self.Anxiety
|
I tried to kill myself last night and couldn't do it, but now what? I went to the top of a parking garage at night and tried to jump off. The key word is tried because I got on the ledge and no matter how much I tried to force myself off I kept holding on to the side. I cried and begged myself to let go, but nothing. After an hour I got down and screamed at myself for being such a coward.
I'm still alive though and have no idea what to do. In still jobless, my house has no running water or power, and I had to ask a friend to get me dinner tonight. My life is still fucked and I'm too much of a bitch to follow through on my one means of escape. I can't live like this, but I can't bring myself to kill myself either. What am I suppose to do?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Had my first really bad episode today in years. I forget what I need to do now. I've had my anxiety under control for so long that I had honestly forgotten what it felt like to have a panic attack. Until today. I'm 30. In cosmetology school with people 10 years younger than me. I'm white and most of the class is black. Normally that has absolutely no affect or relevancy to life. But today it did.
We were asked to create a "jingle" to remember the textbook definitions assigned to us. Everyone wanted to do rap songs (I guess they're called trap music?) but no one was willing to come up with lyrics. So I led that part. But come time to perform they wanted to make me the main performer. I have INTENSE anxiety in situations like this, I had no knowledge of the song we were using, was totally uncomfortable and had no connection to the culture these kids were referring to. I had a full blown panic attack. And no one understood why and I sure as hell couldn't explain it. I made up some excuse and booked it out of there. I left my classmates high and dry because I was probably a 25 on a 1-10 anxiety scale and now I'm terrified of what they all think of me. I even made a comment making fun of myself about how I can't lead the group cuz I'm the only white person so clearly I have no rhythm. And in my mind they now all hate me and think I'm an old racist asshole who cries and panics for no reason.
HOW DO I STOP THE OVERWHELMING FEELING OF JUDGEMENT? I just want to cry and never go back but that's not possible. I have to go back. I want to go back. I won't let this ruin my career. But how do I process and move forward?
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self.Anxiety
|
Do you ever feel like you are lone, even if almost everyone around you tells you you are not? For some reason I constantly think about the fact that I am alone. And you know what is even more interesting? This actually calms me. To know, that I am alone. And that I will always be alone with this.
And than when a loved one tells me, that I am not and I should talk to them, because they are there for me, I just go "f*ck you"... Well I never say that, but the thought is there.
And to sum it up in a stupid joke, I am just like the registry in Windows Vista... Always broken (yeah, I know, I am the worst)
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self.depression
|
kind of a weird place right now before my story adds to any stress on your part, i would like to emphasize that i am not suicidal right now. i have no intention of causing self-harm in any way right now.
this is going to be sounding kind of strange but i guess i'm recognizing this ahead of time and am a little proactive in my concern for it.
i sort of came to this conclusion internally and while i've joked it with friends, i guess i'm slightly serious regarding the idea on the inside.
i've sort of set a deadline for myself to commit suicide. not right now, not this year, but age 50. i guess i saw how hunter s. thompson did it and that made me put it off for a later date if i don't have any kind of life by then.
so i guess that's kind of a weird place to be put into, wanting help for 20 something years down the line, but realistically i don't know if that belongs under just regular depression with long-term goals or if that's actually a concern for having suicide being an aim. i wouldn't want that to necessarily progress, but i'm also not scared of it, so that has me somewhat worried.
i'm not suicidal due to any major factors in my life, but more the absence of anything. my current 'career' has me basically living life as a neet with my parents effectively. artwork commissions has me afloat and keeping the government at bay mostly, but time and life are a bit of a blur. i actually started the day out feeling very strongly, but at lunch, the wind was taken out of my sails hard and i seriously thought about calling suicide hotline to get some advice.
this might be something that the answer is i probably should go see a psychologist for my issues, but i guess i wanted to make sure i shouldn't be more concerned about this right now. if there's some kind of like...strange step of 'setting a date' for suicide. if there is, i've never heard of it but i'd hate to find out i'm somehow one panic attack away from doing something irreparable.
and apologies to anyone who's going through something more immediate or worse than me, but i'm unsure what to do with these feelings at the moment.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Are updates allowed? Last Tuesday I posted here saying that I was actually going to do it after thinking about it for years. I told only one friend that I was thinking this way and he called the cops on me Wednesday morning. They took me to the hospital and I waited for 4 hours alone in the “crisis” room in the ER. During that time, a social worker talked to my sister on whether or not she felt I would be safe being at home. My sister said no and I was taken to inpatient for the first time. I had a rather positive experience and I met a very therapeutic group during that time. I’m really attempting to change my life around this time. I was discharged on Saturday morning. I was pretty happy in there except Friday night because I was supposed to be discharged that day, but the psychiatrist didn’t come in but his nurse practitioner did. I broke down crying after I realized I wouldn’t be going home that day and all I had wanted was to go see my best friend and my sister and sleep in my own bed. Yesterday I woke up with this new outlook that I didn’t want to focus on all of my flaws all the time. I wanted to work on them but not constantly worry about them. I went out and “pampered” myself by getting my beard lined up and a nice haircut. I’m still feeling really good and a lot better than last week, but every time something small goes wrong, there’s these intrusive suicidal thoughts that mean absolutely nothing and they’re fleeting thoughts but I want to get rid of them and I don’t know how. Has anyone ever dealt with this ideation, for lack of a better word. I want it to stop because it’s always for super small things like I got a lower grade than I expected on my sociology paper and the first thing my mind went to was a suicidal thought, but not something I’d ever follow up on. I realized immediately and didn’t understand why this keeps occurring to me. If anyone has any advice on this that would be great.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Fucking Kill Me Already God, guys
I've lurked here for awhile but I guess it's finally time to throw out my overly long depressing life story.
I honestly never had a lot of friends growing up. Everyone liked me but I was always
Second best I guess?
I guess I got used to it.
I have documented mental health issues as early as age 4.
I came out as having gender identity issues at age 7 and got told by my therapist it was a phase (spoiler alert: I'm 19 and transgender so apparently not) and was always treated kinda differently for it.
Abuse started at age 9. The sexual abuse started then, and lasted until I was around 13 or 14. Almost daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. The emotional abuse and occasional physical abuse happened around a year later, and the emotional abuse is still ongoing. Any self esteem I had was destroyed by this point.
Age 12 is when my friend went to a mental hospital and taught me about self harm. I started almost immediately and still do it to this day.
Age 13. My grandpa held me at gunpoint after throwing me against a wall by my hair. Had to get a restaining order. This is also around the same age I came out as asexual and aromantic, and on top of the invalidating "you'll change your mind" comments, I was straight up bullied for it. Honestly I fucking hate myself for not being able to have romantic or sexual attractions like a normal goddamn person.
When I was almost 16, my brother died. I honestly wasnt bothered because I'm such a broken fucking person already. My parents lost their jobs while grieving. We got evicted for the third time in a row and I was almost homeless again.
At age 18 I dropped out of college after failing my first semester because my depression was so bad I couldnt even get out of bed to go to class.
I moved back in with my grandparents and they later kicked me out for being transgender because my grandma wants great grandkids. Here's the thing. I dont fucking want kids and never have, and I'm sure as hell not going to carry a child for nine months and feel even worse about being physically female thanks.
Im an absolute failure as a musician too. I want a pHD in molecular biology, and i want to sing in a semi-successful punk band, but im awful at singing and guitar both.
I havent had physical contact with another human being in god knows how long too.
I cant remember the last time i so much as shook someone's hand or got a hug.
Present day, as outrageous as it sounds, I'm currently involved in some pretty heavy legal shit because I'm a current target for a potential murder after providing police with information on a former friend of mine who manages a massive drug ring, manufactures mercury filled ammunition, and has committed at least three murders. The police wont do a damn thing about it and honestly
At this point, I hope I fucking get killed.
Im tired of all of this.
I've been depressed forhalf my life.
Mentally ill for over three fourths of my life.
And ive been self harming for over a fourth of my life.
I just want out, dude.
|
self.depression
|
Mentally - not So bad. Physical symptoms - terrible [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
How to get rid of the feeling of hopelessness? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
hallucinations? I've been really obsessing over trying to understand hallucinations and wondering if I've experienced them. I know that I've often had some minor auditory and olfactory ones. But I think I experienced a visual hallucination a couple weeks ago when there was a bat in my house and then it was gone. I've been thinking back to strange occurrences in my life and wondering if they could have been hallucinations. For example, strange paranoid people seem to seek me out in bus stations and talk my ear off while they are obviously terrified of everyone else. One man was ranting about having to warn the world of the virus while shooing people out of his personal space and another woman was protecting herself by waving around this strange card that hung around her neck. Yet, others didn't seem to react to their strange behavior and I don't remember them departing. The man was in front of me in line while we waited to board a bus and yet he wasn't on the bus when I got on. It's really messing with my mind trying to figure out if these were hallucinations or not. These incidents happened years ago and it never crossed my mind to ponder if they might be hallucinations until now. How do you ever know if it seems real?
|
self.bipolar
|
i'm drowning again everything was. good for a few months, got accepted into uni and found cool roommates and moved to a great city
and yet
i still want everything to stop
there was a good day yesterday. and then i saw the vodka i had bought and just started crying cuz i don't have meds and then its pointless to drink it
and today
a friend told me i was being trashy
and just... i knoe im a fuckup and a pos theres no point in tellkng me but i thought they still liked me nometheless
and apparently they dont
so yeah
i wish i could just let myself drown
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to die so bad My minds just not right, ill never fit in and never feel loved. I haven't so far, why should i think that anything would change? I dont trust anybody, when they tell me " its gonna be okey" i know they are not right, they do not know that. Theres nothing left of me or my emotions, its all spent. I feel like a sociopath.
I wish i could just go into the hospital and get a shot that would kill me. No messing around with nooses and knifes, no mess to cleanup or be found by someone..... But no im supposed to keep going until i break and do something really wrong.
I just want to be gone so i dont hurt anybody else.
|
self.depression
|
Walls and boundaries A while ago I was reading an article on a website and saw an image that pretty much blew my mind. It was [this one](https://datingtipsforthefeministman.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/healthy-boundaries31.jpg). I realised I've been doing this wrong my whole life - I had been building **walls**, instead of maintaining healthy boundaries in my interpersonal relationships.
I really have **no idea** what I'm doing with respect to boundaries. For my whole life I've done walls, or been in a state (hypomania) where it doesn't bother me at all. But there's a bunch of stuff going on in my life right now that is requiring me to adjust this particular feature of myself, and it's difficult because I have literally zero experience with healthy boundaries.
For most of today I was feeling pretty good, with a mood more elevated than it has been for a while. But tonight, I was struggling to deal with some stuff that was happening around me that started affecting me and bringing me down. Now, for people with healthy boundaries, these sort of things are generally non issues - other people's minor mood swings don't generally have disastrous effects on your own, even when that person is your spouse. Tonight though I was hypersensitive to it, and struggling as a result. Why did my good mood get dropped so suddenly?
I was chatting to a very close friend of mine tonight, and in doing so I realised why this is the case, so I thought I'd copy what I wrote in that conversation here in case it rings true for anyone else out there.
When I start feeling good, I naturally start to bring down my walls that I've put up, it's a long-formed habit. I spent 15 or so years unknowingly struggling with undiagnosed bipolar2, medicated for depression on and off in the second half of that, before finally I met a doctor who thought that there might be something more going on. It took a long time to get a handle on it, find a medication that worked, and start to understand for myself the nuances of my moods, the triggers, and all the interwoven effects. I've been on meds (depamide) consistently for more than a year now, and I'm stable, by which I mean my ground state is slightly on the depression side of things, and no more hypomanic episodes at all. But in those 15+ years, a lot of bad habits were formed.
Hypomania protects you from being affected by other people's down moods, protects you from just about anything negative. You're full of confidence, with no self doubts. I can do anything! I can do EVERYthing! Everything feels fantastic, life is beautiful, and wonderful, and look at the sun in the sky and how the birds are singing and etc etc. External issues seem insignificant. And this is why it's dangerous - because real problems seem like non-issues. It's a funny thing, hypomania. It **feels** like a wonderful way to live, because everything seems AMAZING! But in reality it's a **terrible** way to live, because you are blind to the bad stuff. Even bad stuff you cause. So it's only a protection against feeling bad things, because you are literally blind to them.
The crash that comes afterwards brings in its wake a smorgasbord of bad decisions, broken promises, and hurt caused by you. Looking back at your personal trail of destruction is devastating (even more so when you are undiagnosed and/or don't actually realise/understand the cause of it all). At this point it seems that the most sensible thing for you to do right at that moment is protect the world from you, so you throw up walls - walls that keep you away from the world, and keep the world away from you. You make them impermeable, because you can't risk letting yourself loose on the world again. And so what if that locks people out and you feel lonely? They're better off without you anyway.
And then the next cycle rolls around, and all those problems you caused cease to exists any more in your mind, and you wonder why this wall even exists in the first place. Besides, you're full of self confidence that you can manage it all anyway, you can take on the world! So you tear down your walls, and unleash your hurricane once again on the world.
That's why we have walls.
And that's also why when I start feeling good my natural instinct is to bring them down. That leaves me unprotected, but in hypomania that doesn't matter.
However, it does matter now, as I no longer have the protection afforded by hypomania.
So now, as part of my personal growth, I have to train myself out of building walls (this one I started working on a while ago). I have to learn how to build and calibrate healthy personal boundaries for the first time in my life (dafuq?!). And tonight I realised, I now also have to figure out how to not slip into the habit of bringing down the healthy boundaries when I feel good.
...
TL;DR Build [boundaries](https://datingtipsforthefeministman.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/healthy-boundaries31.jpg), not walls. And keep them there.
|
self.bipolar
|
Environment keeps me down but need to work to get out of the environment ... It's constant, or I will dream about people that I should've gotten to know and still have a chance to but don't because of my own social anxiety and fears of rejection. And it's constant, where I want to be happy and with my friends and I'm just pushed away or looked at like I'm garbage. And that's how I feel like I'm treated IRL. Every little thing is like an attack against me. Online.. I get banned from places that matter to me because I can't even watch what I say when I say it. I can't keep a job because every minute seems grueling to me, and what's the worth in working if the time I spent not working is in agony ? Do I pile a job on top of that? On top of that I live with my child abuser who makes efforts to watch what I do. Statute of limitations runs out, etc. whatever.. but I have to say that the person I live with literally abused me as a child. I didn't leave the house, besides to go to school and the store. That's not a good environment to live in. I don't know anyone who has depression that has this problem so it makes it even worse to try to talk this through with anyone but myself or some therapist. Like this is a self feeding cycle that wont end guys
|
self.depression
|
Relationships+my life is weird Things are going super well and super not well at the same time. Dating someone who also has mental health issues is so confusing. I'm always walking the line between good help to offer a friend and not wanting you to be dependent on me to solve your mental health issues. I want you to be able to do it on your own and I think you can but no one gave me a line for where to stop with someone so close to me and with so few other mh-literate friends. And meanwhile I'm trying to remember you are not going to abandon me and act from that. And you're helping me with things I figured out I need to process.
On an unrelated note, the threesomes are still excellent. On a related note, slightly worried I'll miss the poly stuff when it falls through eventually. You seem to think there's only one exception to monogamy. I hope not.
Can't really get into specifics but trust me my life is odd.
|
self.offmychest
|
I think the time is right I've been depressed for years. Years of pain and suffering. It's just not fair. I just want to disappear. The thoughts of ending everything are get stronger and I'm starting to feel disconnected from this world. Maybe the time is right...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Starting at school internship So im pretty nerveous(anxious?) right now, im starting at the school intern tommorow, and im so sad, and nerveous. It's mostly because im not sure if thats the career choice anymore, and the school internship have some strict rules. It is as a retail worker, and most of all its the fear that i cant find a internship at a real organization.. And the work times i guess. Im only 19 years old, so i guess i have alot of time to figure things out still, but im just so nerveous and sad. And could use some good words from you fellas. <3
|
self.Anxiety
|
It hit me like a brick... one friend I always thought would be loyal to me, one whom I loved completely... never cared about me. The moment I realized this was when she didn't even invite me and my sister to her graduation party. Not just then and there; she never gave a fuck about me. She never saw me as a friend. Just a convenience. Looking back, I can't think of a single moment she genuinely cared for me or tried to listen to my feelings.
But I remember what a fool I was. I loved her to death. I looked up to her. I considered her my best friend. When there was another friend who invaded her zone I got hostile. I drew comics of us and I would get sad when she hung out with someone other than me. I was kind of possessive, but it was unnoticable. It wasn't in a stalker-ish, creepy way. I was very secretive about it. It got to a point I tried to secretly message her friend and tell her to stay away.
But now, I see the whole picture. I look back at the small moments which should have been very obvious signs how little she gave a shit. She didn't care one way or another if we were going to hang out or not. I was an apathetic subject matter to her. I daresay she even used me. I remember once when we were 15, we were at the beach and I was happy that day. I told her and my sister I was buying them ice-cream. Some time goes after that, we had rented a boat, then when we're done she crawls to me and say: "So...about that ice-cream..." Being the naïve little bitch I was, I simply said, "oh, that's right!" And bought them. With my own money. Money I could have spent sending her a prospective "screw you" card.
I sent her a text once, saying how I was sad she overlooked me so much. She responded that she didn't mean to and that she would get better. Did she? Take a wild guess. No, really.
I was just a class; a lower class, a kind she looked down upon. Never a "how was your day?", "how are you?", not even a "hello". Maybe a shallow one, not one that wished a real hello. We always invited her to our parties, but she was always busy and had even gone to other parties, of other people she just got to know.
She invited my cousin to her graduation party, but not me and my sister. I cried, asking why, why, why. The only response I got was from a rumor; she was having a party in a different town, and it was more convenient by us not being there.
I fucking snapped.
I had done nothing but showered her with my adoration for the latest 18 years we had known each other. What did she see me as? Nothing. I was dirt in the road. Not even telling me face-to-face why. Just... nothing. Like a damn coward, thinking she's too good for me, like she's royalty and I'm a peasant or something.
I refused to even talk to her. She probably doesn't even realize how much she hurt me, and my sister, which makes it so much worse. SHE DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE IT. How selfish and blind can a bitch be? She goes on her merry way is if she's a saint... while simultaneously not giving two shits about the girls she hung out with her entire childhood. Cunt.
I looked at my instagram, she had been to a wedding party in which the bride had the same name as me. Probably thinking of her as hotter shit, despite not knowing her for as long as me.
I want to remove her from my facebook friend list and instagram now. The thing is, I want her to get a notification to the likes of: "mistystorm96 removed you as friend", just so I can hurt her one last time, like the witch hurt me. I want to see the stupid look on her face as she get to see what I really think of her. How she'll finally know she's a contributing factor to my heavy depression, that I'm not good enough, that I was never good enough for her to be friends with. That I'm pathetic and should just kill myself. That I'm scared of mending new friendships because of her selfish, disgusting way of picking friends over others, without regard for their feelings.
Alice, if you're reading this...
Fuck you. Suck my clit, suck my ass, and may you rot where you live.
I never, ever want to see your ugly mug again.
|
self.depression
|
High Bs to low As are "failing" Band: 100%
English: 89%
French 77%
Geometry Honors: 90.3%
Biology: 91%
Geography: 91%
Those are the grades my parents are saying "not good enough" to. I can't fucking deal with their constant comments.
"Guess you'll be living off the streets"
"How are you going to get to college with those grades"
"I thought my child was smart"
I know they have a horrible grasp on reality but I can't take the constant badgering of my grades. It's stressful enough to have to worry about my first year of high school but these comments are pushing me over the edge.
|
self.depression
|
Is a personality disorder as damning as it sounds? My therapists always told me I had anxiety and obsessive-compulsiveness, and it’s dawning on me that my OCD behaviors fall in line with OCD-personality disorder rather than clinical OCD. As I read about it, I’m imagining all the people I’ve met in life that have personality disorders and how desperately I don’t want to be like any of them. It also appears that medication is ultimately ineffective in treating personality disorders.
Does anyone have any experience to share that might make this stuff easier to digest? At the moment it seems overwhelming and makes me want to just give up trying to fix anything.
|
self.depression
|
I'm always fucking up what the fuck
I'm always fucking up
alcohol is shit
and me too
|
self.offmychest
|
Fake emotion I feel like this holiday season, I was filled with such little happiness. When I did feel happy it was short lived .. I felt myself fake smiling / having fake conversation with little interest. I felt terrible because I never see my 93 year old grandmother and I just didn’t want to be around anyone. My boyfriend plowed during the snowstorm all day Christmas so I was alone and went to see my parents. Even then I still felt so empty and disengaged. It’s hard to me to feel happy when it’s all that I want. I feel like I have mild depression.
Anyone else relate?
|
self.depression
|
Transatlantic flights and jet lag Have any of you ever experienced episodes because of jet lag? I’ve read this can be a big problem sometimes and I’ve got two trips to the states coming up.
I wondered if any of you have tips on how to minimise risk. I’m also really confused about my meds and how to manage the time difference how to I flip my schedule from European time to American time.
Sorry if this isn’t very clear the stress of preparing for my first trip in 4 days time is really stressing me out and my thoughts aren’t very clear.
|
self.bipolar
|
I want to talk, but I'm terrified of people I have a therapist, and a pretty OK family, but people scare the living daylights out of me. I don't even think I want to chat about stuff that's too heavy either. I just want to be able to have a conversation with somebody where I don't have to pretend like I'm somebody I'm not, but I'm not sure how to do that without coming off as a careless jerk. Can anyone else relate?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How long were you in therapy before you noticed a difference? I'm just wondering how long it has taken other people. I've been in therapy for 3 months and my anxiety hasn't really improved. I think I've been learning useful mindfulness skills and also diaphragmatic breathing which sometimes helps in the moment. But the constant worrying and ruminating hasn't subsided one bit, nor has the dread I feel before doing things as simple as making a phone call or going to the grocery store. How long were you in therapy before you noticed a difference? What did you learn in therapy that was the most helpful?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Ok to take it easy at job after working hard? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m not unstable To start working at a daycare, I had to be cleared by a doctor first. As the doctor was asking me questions she saw that I have bipolar, she looks at me and goes “Oh are you sure you should be working around kids if you have bipolar?” Idk it just really offended me I ended up getting cleared and have been working at my job now for two months. But like I’m still bothered that when people find out about it they think I’m crazy. Maybe I’m overreacting
|
self.bipolar
|
I think my lust for life is finally gone and now I’m just waiting for courage to face my fear of death. I don’t really know why I’m making this post. I’ve been feeling altruistically suicidal for at least 4 years. I recognize that the people around me and life in general is better off without me, I’m in general a negative impact on the people I know. But it was always a fleeting thought, though logic and altruism dictated I should kill myself, personally I had too great of a lust for life and a fear of death to ever act on it. I didn’t truly want death instead I just wanted to live a life. A full life. But years and time have beaten that lust down. No longer do I feel like I’m getting towards having a real life that I just need to follow a path a little longer to reach a breakthrough. I see more and more that life is what you make of it and when you are a general failure to the point where you can make nothing even when given all of the pieces, I’ll never attain it. It’s a foolish dream to hope for more. Now all that’s keeping me from doing right by those around me is my fear of death, but every day facing more and more failure is breaking down that fear by instilling a fear of continuing living in a life spiraling downward instead. I think soon either I’ll have an episode where fear has left me or perhaps inducing the loss of fear through alcohol. Then I can finally do the right thing for once in my life. My only regret will be that I took action to late and will only be able to lessen the negative impact instead had I done this earlier I could have made it a net positive.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill mekill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill mekill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill mekill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill mekill me kill me kill me
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Feeling betraywed without actual reason... I have a friend who is super caring and amazing and he always supports me during anxiety crises and everything. He has never given me reason to doubt his friendship and yet today, because he is hanging out with some other friends and didn't invite me, I asked what he was doing and although he didnt lie, he didn't tell me either (but he never said he would so I'm not saying he had to) and yet I feel like he betrayed me and can't shake the feeling that he is going to abandon me and I keep thinking he must be annoyed me and I'm just freaking out because I'm really scared of getting all paranoid about him and pushing him away...
|
self.depression
|
Is there a reason why im bad at everything? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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