text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
fuck I have nothing but hate and pain in my heart and I do not want to feel this feeling anymore
soon enough I'll be dead
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Major panic attacks, fear of dying. Please help me. Edit: I don’t know if this is the right or active subreddit for this, can someone maybe help me redirect it to the right place if needed?
**Edit 2: tl;dr**
**Extremely anxious, severe panic disorder and more as history. Very familiar with those attacks yet this one I am unable to get out of. Starting to get suicidal thoughts. Unable to reach out for help. Psychiatric appointment made but takes too long. Completely down. Don’t know what to do. Help me please.**
Hi all (if anybody even reads this),
First of sorry if my English is bad it is not my native language. Also I’m on my phone so kinda hard to type. I feel like I have to share some of my story though since I’m going crazy at the moment for the 100th time, but this time it seems like I’m unable to cope with it for real and my thoughts are getting darker every day.
I am 26yo atm, and my psychological troubles started age 12. Diagnosed double ptsd, chronically severe depression, hypochondria, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety and some personality disorders but somehow nobody can actually tell me which ones exactly. ‘Symptoms of’ is what they say but nothing fits. Needless to say I am unable to work or study or basically do anything but sometimes groceries. Annoying part is btw that I am fully aware of everything ‘wrong’ with me, I sometimes wish I was dumb and would stop thinking and worrying but I have this iq of 159 and keep thinking I know best which sucks and ruins my therapies because I am so fucking stubborn.
During those years I have become very familiar with my panic attacks and from time to time suicidal thoughts. I also have been on and off dozens of kinds of medications from anti depressants to antipsychotics to benzodiazepines, name it and I probably took it. I also tried pretty much all available therapies. Nothing worked except the benzo’s but those are of course no long time solution.
I have never been (I don’t know the English word but, institutionalized?). I always turned those requests down thinking I would be doing even worse without my only comfort being my home and my pets (birds I love). Family support is hardly there (not their fault but mine, they are part of the ptsd, they want to help but I cannot accept that help - and yes it would be wise to still accept it but it is impossible due to the nature of the ptsd and my therapists agree). Anyway, during all those years nothing worked making me sad and frustrated (understatements), but hey I always found a way to get out. This time feels so different though.
Currently I am having the worst panic attacks I ever had. My heart keeps exploding and going to 220bpm, I feel like I faint and during an attack I am scared to die. Normal stuff but my hypochondria keeps telling me it’s no panic but it’s my heart being bad. Had a cardiologist check all that 5 years ago and my regular doctor quite recently (although he only listened to my story) and they of course try to assure me it is all fine. I just can’t believe that. The feeling is so real.
At this point I am completely down. It’s the worst and my experience is huge and I still have never been this low. I have had a trigger recently (too many social activities compared to my normal life) but it did not feel like that. This only made things a bit worse since before that I would also already feel my heart go crazy.
Now for some kind of questions, can somebody please help? Any form of help? Comforting story, people going through the same things, maybe even psychologists or psychiatrists around here that have advice? Advice on when to call crisis services (I have numbers but I am so scared to call) (I live in the Netherlands btw). I hardly ever use reddit so I have no clue on what kind of people are here and my story feels so long that probably nobody sticked around this long to read this part even. (And I still feel like I can go on for hours). I’m just emotionally broken and I need some rest. I am starting to slowly feel suicidal and the only thing that saves me is my fear of dying.
I take way too many pills combined atm to slow my racing thoughts but it does not help. I need to take 0.5mg alprazolam 50mg oxazepam and 20mg temazepam at the same time to feel comfortable enough to go to bed at this point and to stop being too anxious to even stand up to walk around. I also need to take 60mg of propranolol to stop my heart from going nuts but i am new to that completely and it does not feel right and makes me even more anxious. And that is without being used to the other meds as well btw, didn’t take them for a long time. (I actually had a very good time of almost 1 year completely without anything.) The anxiety is just so big that I need this dose for it to work against it according to my psychiatrist. Can’t be right in my opinion. Also that guy is super weird and I miss my old psychiatrist but due to bureaucratic insurance bs I had to switch.
So to finish up again. Please help me. I don’t know how but please help me. I am so scared at the moment. (Chances are i might fall asleep soon though because of all the pills so I will read (potential) reactions tomorrow, if I even make it through the night and don’t freak out again. I need to stabilize asap and am unable to arrange that somehow.
Kind regards Dennis.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Trying to survive for the sake of others (=children) Hey, I'm new to this sub (but not to Reddit).
I've suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life (and from an eating disorder in my youth... and from a drinking problem **now**, for the last few years...).
I'm now in my early 40s, and this is my life at the moment: a dysfunctional relationship with my partner (=no physical intimacy, no **real** communication), an on/off lover, alcoholism, severe depression and anxiety, a part-time job (=I'm mostly unemployed)... oh, and a psychoanalysis (3 x week) ever since 2014... I HAVE SUFFERED SO FUCKING MUCH during my life (when - as I've often thought - I "needn't have" - hah! I mean **everything** was in my favor: my upbringing, my parents' social and economic status, my looks & talents...) Yet, I've ended up being this miserable wreck, a loser unable to to provide for herself economically (e.g. pay for her own psychoanalysis), (emotionally) unable to leave her unhappy relationship with her "SO", unable to quit drinking (yeah, I've tried AA... etc. - didn't work for me) despite the psychoanalysis and all...
Well, there is **one thing** in my life now that's different from what it used to be. I'm an **aunt** now. I have a niece who's nearly two years old... and another one is due in late Jan 2018 (if all goes well). They are/will be my sister's daughters.
My point here is that I **so** wish I could say "goodbye" to this world. Partly because I've lost faith in my psychoanalysis... and in ANY treatment... nothing just seems to work for me. The darkness inside me is just so massive.... But unlike before, there are now these children (although - **fortunately!** - not mine) to consider. I mean **the last thing** I'd want for them would be to traumatize them and their childhood with their aunt's suicide. They are **innocent** - and I would never, ever want to cause them pain. ( I **adore** L., the older one... and I'll most likely feel the same way about her little sister.) I'm not sure what my point here is anymore... but can **anyone** tell me how old my nieces would have to be if I decided to "leave this world"... so that I wouldn't cause them irreparable harm? :( (=So that **they** wouldn't end up traumatized, neurotic wrecks like me.)
I'm so tired, I only want to find **PEACE**...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Three weeks ago my Mum was told she has cancer, two weeks ago they said that it's very advanced, one week ago she got so bad she couldn't move and today she was told she only has weeks to live! Ten months ago I got engaged, seven months ago we set a date, today I have six months to go, today I have to plan a bed side ceremony so my mum can be there, today I have to start planning my mothers funeral, today I stop planning my wedding, today I am broken but can't show my mum.
I am an only child with basically no family except my fiancé, how do even begin to do all that I need to do? Just reading this makes me feel like it's so unbelievable, I wish it was, I wish it was one of those stupid things you read on Reddit and know that it was made up but it's not, it's so real, it's so surreal! I hate today!
Edit: mum died on Friday
|
self.offmychest
|
A question of mine about a question of mine that got downvoted got downvoted, all on reddit Here's the same title, but grouped with parentheses:
> ((A question of mine) about (a question of mine that (got downvoted)) (got downvoted))
So, it all started from a Writing prompt on WritingPrompts that got 27k votes and reached the front page. The prompt said:
> Every country has ninjas but the world only knows about Japan's because theirs suck.
I was considering writing a response to this prompt, but I really didn't understand the title; something stumped me, an ambiguity in language. So, I asked the following question in the meta comments:
> So, does theirs mean Japan's ninjas? So, every country has ninjas, but the world only knows about Japan's ninjas because Japan's ninjas suck and maybe they're laughable and a popular laughing stock?
> Or does theirs mean the world's ninjas? So, every country has ninjas, but the world only knows about Japan's ninjas because Japan's ninjas are so good that they attract attention of everyone out of their country to the point that no-one, except people in Japan, know that each of their countries have ninjas?
Then, apparently, I was the only stupid one in the whole reddit world and 27k other people seem to understand it. My comment got downvoted more than 5 times. I got really sad and angry, so I posted about this and asked for the correct interpretation of the sentence on NoStupidQuestions.
The question on NSQ went fine for a while, but now it's got 0 points with more downvotes than upvotes. Nonetheless, I did get the answer, and it really seemed "obvious" to most people: Japan's ninjas suck. But fuck this, why didn't I get it the first time?!! This joke is so ingenious; it's made for geniuses by geniuses.
Am I really, really, really that stupid? I fucking hate myself, I wanna die. I have no future if I cannot even comprehend a single fucking joke or shit like this. Maybe it's because I'm \*insert name of my race here\*? Maybe that's why I'm inherently fucking stupid.
If this post gets downvoted a lot, I will post another post on reddit and it will be titled:
> A question of mine about a question of mine about a question of mine that got downvoted that got downvoted got downvoted, all on reddit
|
self.offmychest
|
Am I being unreasonable? I have a good friend who is bipolar and currently hospitalized for suicidal ideations. I'm not very knowledgeable about this illness because I never knew anyone with it before her. She told me the suicide thoughts were overwhelming, uncontrollable, and insistent. (She always takes her meds) When she eventually gets released, I'm now afraid of her driving us anywhere because what if she gets some suicidal thoughts again while I'm a passenger in her car ??! (We usually take turns driving to places) Am I'm being unreasonable?
|
self.bipolar
|
My cat keeps waking me up at 4 in the morning but I don’t know how she’s getting in my room. My cat Luna has been waking me up at 4 in the morning almost every day since we’ve moved into our new apartment. She loves to kneed my fluffy blanket and ends up waking me up with her purring. Problem is, she doesn’t sleep with me. The litter box, food/water bowl is in the living room and I close my door every night before I go to bed. Should I set up a camera to see how she’s maneuvering her way into my room every night? I’m scared to find the result.
|
self.offmychest
|
Pretty sure I'm depressed again.. don't know what to do about it Hi there. So basically since September, my mood has been pretty low again. There hasn't been a day where I didn't have a moment where I thought about suicide or death and how I would be pretty happy with that, and only one incident in October where I was really really suicidal and almost did something but didn't in the end. Don't get me wrong I've had days which have been amazing and super exciting (I'm a student nurse currently on placement), but sometime in the day the thought of depression and death will come about, no matter how good the day was. I did have an eating disorder and depression early last year, for which I was in anti depressants/ mood type medications for, but I stopped that altogether around this time last year. I also did have a suicidal incident June 2016. It had been going pretty well until from February to about August this year.
At this moment in time, it's not that I actively want to kill myself, it's more like if life did stop here I'd be more than happy to. And everyone says 'talk to someone', but no one really cares or really wants to hear what I feel cuz they don't know what to say, and fair enough I don't want to put that on them. And in instances where I've tried, they just ignore the parts I really want them to acknowledge. I'm not too sure what to do about it though. I love nursing and I love placement, and I'm usually okay when I'm on it, but today I just feel utterly useless and burden-y and empty, which makes me feel even worse as I don't think any patient deserves a nurse who feels this way - caring and smiling on the outside but I feel like shit on the inside.
Idk what to do, every time I wish my facilitator would pick up on it just cuz I really like her and maybe she would know what to do, but I also don't want to risk my uni and make her think I'm incompetent or whatever. That im risk and shouldn't be on placement.
Anyways sorry this was so long. Idk. :( is this even depression??
|
self.depression
|
i wanna die its no such much that i wanna die as much as i dont wanna live.
im 15 in highschool, probably gonna fail.i just dont want to do it and its crazy that i am forced too. i dont really have any passions so im not looking forward to anything.i sure as hell dont enjoy any of my time at school, and all i do at home is play videogames. i dont even enjoy them as much as i used to, its just an easy way to pass the time. the only reason i havent killed myself is theres a few people that would probably miss me. im an american pretty middleclass money-wise. Im the least popular person at my school, hated by literally everyone in it, but this doesnt bother me.
i got a gaming friend who agrees that i really only have that one reason not to. he words it better than me but yeah. my parents hate each other and scream at each other for hours all the time. veiled threats and shit from both of them towards each other drive me crazy. im an atheist so i dont think anything happens when you die. is nothing better than something? i cant decide. my parents and school seem to think im a genuis and act like im the scum of the earth for not being calculus student or some shit. their standarized tests and shit are what decided im smart,not sure how much i agree or not. but it doesnt matter, i dont owe anybody anything and im tired of everybody acting like i do. why cant we cry in public? you do and your hated for it. i want to find my passion but i cant because im so busy going to school 8 hours a day 4 days a week (yeah its kinda weird schedule). instead of thinking about what it is that i want to do with my life i have to think about graphing some dumbass equation that i would rather be homeless than have to use in a job. i feel like a used to be a lot more creative but society has trained that out of us.i have easy access to methods of suicide if i were to make a split decision, but i dont think thats how people usually do it. i dont want to spend my life chasing somebody else's dreams, but it seems thats how its set up and dont see a way out. if the people that i would feel guilty about leaving are somehow taken out of my life i would do it that moment. im not here to try and get somebody to talk me out of it, im just pretty bored and ive been thinking about it more and more. i know love gives a lot of people motivation but ive never really felt that as far as i can tell. i dont want a lover but i geuss i cant know what its like if i never had it. its just... i dont care you know. at the moment i care enough about the few people that would be sad about my loss, but i dont know for how long. at a certain point maybe it just wont be worth it anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
To anyone who suffers bad anxiety at work, how do you make it through the day? Any tips or pointers for helping with anxiety specific to being at work. I rly cannot miss anymore work but I'm so exhausted and sick from just "grinning and bearing" this shit. The worst part of my day is always waking up to my alarm during the week to get up for work I feel physically sick to my stomach.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I haven't felt this lonely in a long time.... My mood has taken a sharp dip over the last few weeks. For most of this year my anxiety has been the biggest issue, but I've felt the depression creeping back in. I moved to a new place and went to see the GP for the first time but felt worse afterwards (I guess the 40 minute delay didn't help). I'm off work until the new year but husband works in retail so he's working and he's out with his cousin tonight, so I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I don't have any friends here, just my husband and his family. But it's a real struggle to even get out of bed right now. I'm struggling to sleep and I'm crying for no reason a lot more than I used to. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. I'm stuck. I hate this.
Help.
|
self.depression
|
I'm having a really hard time accepting that I might be on medication forever. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
'Think of your loved ones' - It doesn't help I've recently opened up to a couple of my friends about my depression. And as much as I know they're trying to help by telling me kind things like 'I want you to be here.' or 'I care about' I feel like it doesn't help.
One of the first things they mention in therapy when you're feeling suicidal is 'think of your loved ones' but my suicidal thoughts are selfish. It's never about my loved ones, it's about me.
The feelings of 'i don't want to be here anymore' trump the thoughts of pain it would cause those around me.
I don't want to live for others. I want to live for myself but I don't know how.
|
self.depression
|
ex ghosted me, need to talk it out Over a month ago, my ex slept with me knowing I loved him and he promised that he wouldn't disappear and that he wasn't just around to fuck me. (I have trust issues because he has done a lot of things to hurt me emotionally in the past- like talking about extremely personal things about me behind my back and then when I confronted him saying something like "well, it's been a trip. have a nice life.", blocking, and ignoring me- he eventually apologized months later but got a bit pissed off when I tried to talk through it and express my anger and hurt over what had happened). It was heavily implied that he loved me before we slept together, and even when we spent time together that day. We had talked for weeks beforehand and he had asked me to come over twice that week, and had made plans to go to a movie with me soon also. And then after the first time we saw each other again and slept with each other he told me he didn't feel anything but friendship feelings (and that he didn't know I felt that way, but I am 110% sure that isn't true) he said we could still be friends and reassured me again he wouldn't go anywhere. fast forward to now, he has completely ignored me for weeks, and I got frustrated and upset that he would hurt me so badly like that when he knew how much I loved him and how I had pretty bad depression and after we had had a heart to heart (while cuddling after he had slept with me) about our suicidal thoughts we sometimes had (so I figured he wouldn't hurt me again since he opened up so much and acted like he cared). so I messaged him and basically told him how cold he was and how messed up it was to try and gain my trust again and then repeatedly promise that he'd never just abandon me, and then do exactly that immediately after. and I also said that it would have saved a lot of time if he had just told me to jump off a bridge to begin with. I feel kinda bad. I don't want him to feel bad, I just got upset cause I want him to care. I love him so much and I've given him the benefit of the doubt so many times because I loved him and believed that he was good. I still think deep down he's good, which hurts even more because it makes me love him more than I would if I hated his guts. I love him so much it hurts. I don't want to live without him. I don't want to live if he doesn't care.
Aside from that there was a couple other traumatic things that happened on just that day (even more stuff happened in the past when we were together). He was really aggressive when we made love the second go, after we had sex the first time I was sore and I didn't want to do it anymore, but he started touching me and I kept saying no over and over, but eventually I got aroused and gave up. but idk maybe my tone wasn't serious enough, and I had told him at some point that among the fantasies I had I also had non-consent fantasies sometimes, and he didn't physically force me, he just kept touching me when I said no. So I'm not about to call it rape or anything like that. It still fucking hurts though. I would've assumed after the first no he'd be like "no as in yes or no as in no?", but that was not the case. (and I'm pretty sure while we were still dating I discussed with him that if we ever did anything super kinky like that we'd need a safeword). I didn't mention anything to him about it cause I don't know how serious my nos sounded so I don't want to blame him if I wasn't clear enough. I kinda wish I did talk to him about it though, so he'd know what I'm going through.
I feel so worthless, stupid, needy, and pathetic. I'm also very frustrated because I have only one friend that I'm not that close with, (I've been chronically ill for years with an unknown illness, so I haven't been to school enough because I'm so exhausted, so I haven't made any new friends since middle school.), so the only people I really have to talk about my issues with is my mom, my sister, my dad and my therapist, and I'm only comfortable talking to my mom and therapist, but I've talked to them so much about how I've felt regarding him for the last month or two that I feel like they're annoyed to listen to it anymore.
I really really want to kill myself. It fucking hurts so much that the person I love so much cares so little of me that they'd do that. that I'm so ugly and unlovable that I couldn't keep someone around for more than a week or two after they see me. I don't have any friends to talk to and I'm flunking the only class I'm still in. I just feel like such a failure and that any potential I had has been squashed by both me and my chronic illness, and that I'm just a loser with no friends that won't ever be able to find anyone that loves me for anything more than my heavily done up appearance. I try to have hope that things will get better, we have a new lead on what could be causing the debilitating mystery illness, so maybe that will help. but what I want most is a friend that really cares about me.
idk for me it really helps to talk about the relationship and all of the bad shit, if I don't talk about it enough I start to miss him a lot. Just answering questions about it and getting confirmation that I'm not to blame and that the things he did to me were fucked has helped a couple of times. Or just questions about anything in general. (I have lots of trauma to talk out). It feels a bit better for people to know what he did, because it feels like I'm the only person in the world that knows (no one in his family or friend group knows) and everyone thinks he's great so in my mind it's almost the same as if it had never happened at all.
I just need to talk through some of it and remember more of the bad stuff so I hopefully won't love him as much. and if anyone has my advice on how to feel better and less devastatingly upset and depressed and blaming myself that would be rad too. Sorry for rambling, thanks.
|
self.depression
|
I’m a ticking time bomb Throwaway account. I wrote this to pour out my sadness. I feel so alone while I’m surrounded by people that love me. I’m so broken.
I feel so lonely, not because I’m alone in this particular moment. I feel alone, in this world. Misunderstood. Forgotten.
I have two close friends, maybe just one. He recently got into a relationship and I’m happy but I’m sad. I’m sad because all of his attention will be hers. He won’t be available to hang out with me. He doesn’t reach out as often as he did. He leaves me on read for hours even days.
I think of dying probably more times than I actually think of surviving life. I think of dying while I’m cuddling with my boyfriend late at night. I think of dying when I’m having a good time with friends. I think of dying while I laugh so hard I start crying. I think of dying.
I feel like that’s my only way to actually be happy. I love my boyfriend. I love him more than life itself. More than my life.
I fantasize about killing myself. How would I do it? Would it be effective? Will i survive and live with the guilt and have everybody around me know how broken and fragile I can be and keep a close eye on me that I cannot breath? Will I kill myself after a bad long day at work? After I take my kids to school? After a wonderful date night with my husband?
I’m broken and sad. I don’t know what to do. I walk around with all these suppressed feelings so I don’t make my mom sad. I have these thoughts in the back of my head as I force myself to get up and go to work every cold morning. I feel this pain in my chest that just keeps growing like a stubborn weed pushing itself through concrete.
I want to be happy, I don’t like being sad. I can’t help it.
I think of all the people that will die. I think of all my close friends and family members dying one day. Having to bury every single one and not being able to take it. Every death chisels a piece of my broken wall. Tearing it down piece by piece until I disappear and become an empty shell.
I need help
I can’t get help because only crazy people get help and I’m not crazy. I don’t need someone to tell me how to live my life or what to think. I pave my own path but I don’t know how to pave. I don’t know how to paint a pretty picture or how to craft.
I’m a ticking time bomb. My hands are the matches and my brain the fuse. I want to light it so I don’t have to think or ever feel sad again.
I think of dying.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Changes So long story short my wife has scored her first full time job in almost 7 years.. we had 2 kids and she injured herself very severely and has been working part time since. During that time I've veen able to come home from work to her everyday and I love that..
Now however her new job has her out during the arvos when i get in and occasionally (like this week) have her staying away for a few nights. Now I have all the trust in the world in her. Shes amazing. I, however also have a healthy dose of anxiety and during my quiet moments my head is running wild with all the
"Better than me" options all of a sudden. Now I KNOW i have nothing at all to worry about but i just cant stop my mind trying to drive me insane.
I have almost 0 self confidence which clearly doesn't help and I dont want to ruin her time by being a big baby.. I want her to have fun and enjoy time away from our kids but at the same time I will feel sick to my stomach for the next few days until shes home... then quietly dread the next one.
Im just terrified that she will get back out in the real world and start to resent me and the anchor I feel like a lot of the time. I know she wont but thats what my jerk brain is telling me when I cant shut it off...
Tldr; wife has new job. Im Anxious all the time
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm not homeless anymore. I posted on here a few months ago about how sick I was of being homeless. I felt like I was never going to get out of the situation I was in. But now I have everything I could ever want. Safety, food, comfort, my kitty, my girlfriend, my bed. My own place to live. I'm going to get a great education and I'm so happy. And everyone who abandoned me during this difficult time in my life will be so sorry, because in 2018 I'm going to become the best version of myself. People won't even believe how good I'm gonna be. Thank you so much to everyone who offered to help and sent well wishes. You all made me feel so much better and helped me push forward. I'm ready to live life.
|
self.offmychest
|
The thought that I can never commit suicide depresses me [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Losing my friends, falling back into my depression, feeling lost Hey guys,
Recently, I've become more and more isolated. I've been hanging out with friends less and less, as my best friend started dating the girl he's been crushing on for years, so he's been spending the majority of his time with her, and the rest of my friends have been curving me recently to hang out with each other.
Because of this, I have basically ended up staying in except for going to class, work, church with my family, and visiting my girlfriend. All of this has taken a toll on me mentally, which as only been worsened by the time of year for me. Winter brings on my SAD, and it also triggers a lot of memories of some of the worst times of my life.
I've just been feeling like I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to talk to. My girlfriend is amazing, but I always feel as if my problems would just be a huge burden on her, and she already has enough stressing her out right now that I don't want to make it worse. I don't really talk to my parents about it because, like with my girlfriend, they already have enough to stress about without me making it worse.
I haven't felt this terrible in years and I was just starting to feel like I had finally escaped my depression this last year as I entered college, but now it seems like it's back with a vengeance. Sorry if this is a long read, I just really needed to get this out somewhere. Don't feel obligated to reply, but any sort of assistance is much appreciated.
|
self.depression
|
I get bullied bacuase they said I'm too good in class and I should die I'm in high school and I'm not a social person. I love reading book and listening to music, so that's why I don't have many friends. I always pay (serious) attention in class and always due all the assignment early so that I can have time to do my hobbies. But my friends in class don't like me. They said I want attention from teacher, I need love and need help. I can't put anything on my table because they will come and throw it away. Yesterday they came and sat behind me in order to shout my name and stuffs.. They said if anybody stands up for me they will kick them out of the group. I have one best friend. We always walk into school together every morning but today she refused to go with me and walked away. I went to school and no one talked to me. They threw my homework away and said I don't have to do it because I'm already smart. I tried to ask them like what I have done to you? All they did is just push me and then walked away without any replies. I feel like I'm a problem. If I die they will be happy and I will not feel pain. I try to talk to a teacher but on one cares. I'm alone but they're in a big group . How do I fight them back? I think being myself is a problem. I hate myself. Why can't I get along with others? There must be something wrong. Being ignored is so painful and I don't want to feel it anymore. They text me and tell me I should go and kill myself. One girl in a group changed her cover photo on facebook. That's the photo of a guy hanging himself. I knew it because she texted me and forced me to give a thumbs up for that photo. I wish I could sleep and disappear! I hate this world. I hate the bullies. To all the bullies, If you have seen this, just so you know that you win. I'm a loser.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just want to die and don't care if I do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Doing it today. Im in peace Decided to book an hotel room for the night since i don't live alone and i don't want to be saved. I'll cut my veins, so hopefully it won't be so painful. Im really looking forward to it, you could even say im excited. I finally get the oportunity to escape the constant pain. I have nothing, everybody just leaves, i've been heart broken twice in 3 months and lost several friends in that time too. My first attempt failed, so i planned this really carefully. I will not spend another year to realize that life, my life in particular, it's doomed to constant despair. Im the problem, im just a black hole swallowing everything and everyone inside, and naturally everyone wants to scape, to je as far away as they can. So here i am, alone in my spiral of self destruction. Even thought i improved in the last time with the meds and therapy, i cry constantly and everything seems so fucking pointless. I was going to publish my first book, but not even that has the power to give me a reason to keep going. I don't know, im just in peace now, i'll finally get some rest.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm fucking crying on the train I'm so sad, I'm so tired, I can't keep fighting everyday just to move or speak, I can't keep being the only one telling me I'm wanted by others. No matter how good my life is I will always be unhappy. I want to give up so bad.
Please say anything just something, I just need something.
|
self.depression
|
I can't handle my life. I can't learn anything. My life sucks and I feel it's impossible to change that. Make yourself some tea/coffee. Make sure you've got enough time or screw the preparations and read it anyway, because you're still wasting time on the internet.
I'm 21. When I was young - 4-6 years old - I had extraordinary abilities (for my age). I've learnt how to read very early, I skipped 2 years in primary school (I was THAT good). I made calculations in my mind in a blink of an eye and remembered almost everything I needed. Through high school, I finished every year with the best results in school based on "pure talent".
Somehow I made it to the tech university, but I dropped out of it at first - I thought learning would be as easy as it was. Now I try to prepare to classes carefully, and - somehow it works, but my results aren't as good as I want (expect?) to be. I also see that I struggle very much with learning. I have very low ceiling, comparing to other people I know (or don't). Everytime I'm thinking about: "Does it makes sense?", "Would I be able to understand eveything?", "Is it even worth it?"; leaving alone if it gives me satisfaction, do I really enjoy anything? I need to channel my inner Chuck Testa...
I'm working night shifts at the hotel as a receptionist and somehow I'm juggling work and college. Of course I'm furious inside and I feel angry for myself, because people my age are working in IT companies or other tech-related jobs. Do I make effort to change it? Of course (..). I'm reading related books (or "I try"; see above), I try to learn things by myself, I'm preparing to my classes, but it still gives zero results and I don't even know if it is worth doing anything.
Sometimes my colleagues are asking me how it's possible that I'm so good (of course compared to their level; for me I'm still Jon Snow) at something. Okay - I'm preparing to classes, but I don't feel that it gives any value to me. Still, screw it.
It's hard for me to motivate, start or convince to start anything, let alone learning. It's not a meme, it's my life - I literally feel tired when I wake up (note: my health is quite good). I'm always contemplating if I do my task (whatever it is) properly, if someone is not going to lay their vengeance upon me, or is it worth doing it. I'm very easily distracted not by memes, but by feeling that I should do something different right now. When I'm learning X, I feel that I'm wasting my time, because I'm not learning Y at the moment. I feel constantly that I don't focus on the things which I should focus on. Do I even know, what should I do?
I'm browsing plenty of FB/TT profiles of different people. I'm doing it despite the fact that it kills me inside. People of my age or even younger than me - and I'm not saying about future NBA stars - are way ahead of me, when it comes to money, work, life, independence. I have no self-confidence. My relations with girls, what relations? It's sci-fi. I don't want to get involved in any social contacts, even small talk. I'm afraid of failure, rejection. That's why I don't even try to meet anybody, whatever they have between their legs. For me it's a safe option. It sometimes sucks, when you don't have anybody to talk to, but avoiding people makes some things much easier.
In the past (when maybe I had a little lower expectations [?])I had no problem with some activity, even if it was only for me. I was writing comments on blogs, talked to different people about some topics. For example, I ran a little blog once. One day some guy liked FP of my blog. He was one of most known personalities related to my field. Another day, other journalist wrote to me that I make high quality content. Wow. As a 15-16 year old guy who just wrote and his blog wasn't even close to be profitable - it was huge. But later I felt worse with my posts. I knew that I and my blog were stuck in the same place. So I left it and didn't felt that it was bad decision even once. But it was memorable for me. Now I don't try to write anything to share with mankind. I know that it wouldn't be good, I'll be wasting time and at the end, it will fail.
I feel that - and wow, it's another excuse - my parents didn't teach me how to live. I lived without my dad since I was 3 for 11 years. When he came back he still didn't gave a single fook. He's an alcoholic and many times I was forced to watch what he is doing now, completely drunk, giving massive embarrasement to me and my family in public. Even if he's sober, he's speaking in an agressive manner, but most importantly I feel that he still doesn't care about anything. I also have no bond with him. He's talking to me only if he wants something, and it doesn't stop him from threatening me that I would be kicked out of home. My mother is much better - she's just normal. It's a big difference itself. But still - I feel that (probably because she had to raise her children without husband) she focused on work and didn't care about me as much as I needed to. Maybe because of exhaustion, maybe because she just didn't know how to be a father. We talk often to ourselves, but our conversations still focus on casual things. I also have a sister, but screw her. She treats me like shit and I don't give a fook about her. Hey - I don't care about my extended family. My grandparents, my uncle and aunt live a quite far away from me. Sometimes I visit them, but every single time I regret it. I feel that anyone - and my family is no exception - treats me as a little child.
I'm 50% feeling terrible with it and 50% not trying to care about it.
Yes, it looks as another millenial-related shit. It's like every post here. Find a therapist. I found him, and I need to find another. I'm just writing it. Maybe it will help me, maybe I will receive some advice. It's more probable than in real life, because it will end on the "talk to somebody" stage. Still, subreddit rules say that I can find more support than solutions. But at least, I wrote that post. Maybe it's worth it.
---
Damn, I even don't know English as much as I expected to know.
|
self.depression
|
I'm done I've tried. And I've failed. I'm a monster that hurts people I love. I can't change the things I've done but I can prevent it from happening again.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it enough? Is 20 100mg pills of Trazadone enough to possibly cause death to a person who only weighs about 100 pounds?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My boyfriend said yes!! I still can’t believe I did it!
Am I allowed to share the story?
He’s my old high school sweetheart. We went our seperate ways after high school. He went off into the military, I, kinda took a wrong turn. I wound up in an abusive relationship, after that ended I hit a low point. Couldn’t pay bills, couldn’t feed myself. I ultimately resorted to taking my clothes off on stage to get by. I’m not ashamed of it, but I do wish things had never come to that.
But my old boyfriend came back from the Army a year ago, and we found each other again. He put me back together, rebuilt my self esteem, and was still the same wonderful boy I remembered him. He never made a negative comment about the things I’d done. He never made me feel like I was a “victim” to my ex. He just accepted me and everything that had happened.
We’ve been back together for a year now. He’s the only man I trust completely (no offense guys, not your fault), and I decided last month that I wanted to keep him forever.
I got him a ring and wrapped it under the tree. I fought the urge to run back out and hide it again all night. And this morning when we opened presents.........it had fallen behind the table our tree is on, and I was too scared to point it out to him. It seems so stupid now. I know he loves me. I never doubted that for a second. He’d never put up with all my crap otherwise.
But I still worried that I’d lose him again. Maybe he’d wise up and realize he could land someone so much better than a former stripper and battered victim for a wife. I don’t know.
We spent all day at family events while I had that big nervous ball in the pit of my stomach. And then tonight we get home and I just told him there was one more present for him under the tree for him.
He opened it up, then looked at me while I dropped to a knee like a doofus (because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?) and then he hugged me and told me he’d love to marry me.
Even with every stupid decision, even with my crazy emotions, even though he has to watch his volume because I get scared when someone yells around me, he still wants to marry me.
.....and then he went and grabbed the engagement ring he’d intended to give me on New Years!
Marry Christmas everyone!!
|
self.offmychest
|
Any experiences of how long my insomnia will last from stopping Seroquel? I am now on the lowest possible dose of 25mg. I'm finding it really hard to stop though. I don't seem to be getting any other withdrawals apart from insomnia. It's relentless and I'll just not sleep a single minute. After a couple of nights I end of caving in and taking my seroquel.
Does anyone have any experience of how long the insomnia lasts or any advice?
|
self.bipolar
|
I don't know anything about relationships I'm a serial monogamist. All I want is to share my life with someone, be happy together. I'm almost 40 years old.
But I don't know anything about relationships. Or communication. Or how to differentiate my needs from his, how to balance our needs. I don't feel good enough for him. I feel like he's out of my league. I don't know why he puts up with me. I don't know how long he will put up with me.
I wish I didn't want this at all. But it's ALL that I want.
|
self.offmychest
|
The irony of bipolar is you start feeling better right after you crack [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Recovery story My adventure with depression started at start of middle school. I went to new school with many thugs. I am a quiet, peaceful, so I was bullied harshly - like throwing lit matches at me, laughing at my acne, once whole gym with 70 people laughed, because I couldn't make a simple exercise, dog barked when we were coming back from school and they said "Even dog doesn't like you". To add fuel to the fire, when I came back home parents were screaming at each other, because of my alcoholic father and financial problems. I was totally alone with all the problems and it seemed like whole world is against me.
After few months I changed school with "normal" people not thugs. However something changed in me. The world was dark, I had negative thoughts about myself, world and others 24/7 like "I am worthless", "People are evil and want to use me", "People are suffering around the world". I had nightmares everynight like I was holding injured man on apocalyptic landscape and there was an atomic alarm, on the sky there was a sign "magnetic field can kill you" then I woke up screaming, but the real world looked like in this nightmare. There was no escape. At start I fought with it, but after a while I accepted this dark world. I watched dark movies, listened to dark ambient etc. This lasted 6 years. I tried many SSRI's, but nothing worked.
At the end of high school I started experimenting with dissociatives like ketamine. They helped me a little, but at the end of school I tried to commit suicide and was sent again to psychiatrist. He gave me venlafaxine and it was miracle. It changed my world in 30 minutes, color started to be brighter, mental pain wasn't there, no negative thoughts, doing things started to be pleasurable again. I mixed it with dissociatives, because there are studies linking ketamine as useful with depression treatment. Now, after 3 years I don't use ketamine or SSRI's and my world looks like heaven. I feel good all the time, no negative thoughts, have motivation to do things, colors are bright, no nightmares, normal self-esteem (while in depression I thought that I was a complete shit and shouldn't even breath, because of waste of oxygen). I want to say to you, that there is a hope.
|
self.depression
|
I shouldn't care this much about grades, but I do. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I kind of want to try heroin or any drug that will relax me. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I'm so tired... [burnout] Trigger warning: suicide support.
In the last 6 years, I've been a part of 27 suicide interventions for 13 friends, and I'm exhausted. I'm only 19 and I’m afraid of burning out. Obviously this isn’t a good thing but personally, I don’t want to burn out and not be able to support others along with the fear of not achieving my full potential in terms of academics, career, or otherwise.
For a while, I didn’t think I was burning out emotionally. The first few times I talked to severely suicidal friends at 13 to 14, I would sob my eyes out for days after each time, especially if I had to call 911. As time went on, this got easier: reasoning with people was categorized as normal conversation, and calling 911 was just something I had to do if things got bad.
Recently, however, I discovered I was feeling the ill-effects of being emotionally drained. Earlier this month, I was in a taxi on my way to visit a friend who’d overdosed while talking to another friend on the phone about something shitty my boss did and started sobbing about this inconsequential event. That was confusing because I could hold my shit together for events of higher magnitude, but this little thing had me in distress. I recognized this irritability as a symptom of burnout.
To be clear, I’m relieved that I can be there for my friends and that they have someone to talk to. I’m glad that I have the insightfulness to offer different perspectives, and give advice on situations which seem impossible. I pride myself on having a decent intuition as to when I need to call for more help, and on being an empathetic friend. And I’m grateful for these experiences, as they have been fundamental to my character development as an adolescent, as objective as that sounds.
But sometimes I can’t help but think, “why me?”
|
self.offmychest
|
Want to Die My brother molested me from age 4 to age 6.
My step-father was emotionally abusive (and sometimes physically abusive) from age 8 til now (I'm in my late 20s).
My step-sister raped me from age 12 to age 16; and said really creepy shit to me. She told my parents about my brother's abuse (and Child Justice Services came and took me away for a few days to video tape me talking about that.....), so that she could say, "See what happens if you tell anyone??"
She also told me that the family would disown me if I told them about us having sex because of being a lesbian if I told them. She's a bully and always bullied me. She raped me because it was a way to show her power and control me. She said our sex was consensual (even to this day, almost 8 years later).
I have social anxiety, PTSD, and the meds only take the edge off. I'm a black sheep in my family because I did end up being a lesbian (and they're very religious). I don't have any close friends (because I live in a very religious Christian town, where 90%+ are the same religion, and this religion rejects homosexuals).
Honestly, I told my family 2 days ago that I wanted to be included more and felt like a black sheep and the majority sent me personal text messages being cruel. They said I'm "easily forgotten." That's why they don't invite me.
I'm sorry if this is very jumbled message. I've cried for over 7 hours today. I'm in a very bad place. I keep having suicidal ideation. I have a method and a plan. They probably wouldn't even find me (or look for me / notice) for a while. I don't have any friends. I don't have a job. The only person I care about hurting is my mom. The only reason I don't commit suicide is because I feel like that's a big waste of money (my mom had to pay to raise me, and helped me go to college)... I wish I could just die.
Anyway, I felt like telling SOMEONE, anyone before I offed myself. I didn't have any friends to tell. So, here it is. I'm just a very abused broken person with no friends, connections, or strong ties. It doesn't matter much if I off myself. Telling my family in some epic suicide note what they did "wrong" wouldn't change anything and my abusers wouldn't care anyway. They'd blame me anyway. I can't do anything right and it doesn't matter. So, writing to them is useless. I've tried fixing it every way I know how --- therapy, meds, showing up to everything I've invited to & telling them I love them, inviting them to things (they always flake out), making outside friends (bad luck, I guess... and geography)..... The only thing I didn't try is a big "fuck you" and suicide. Everyday I want to die.
EDIT: Typos
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Salvia as a cure for depression / suicide prevention [removed]
|
self.depression
|
My short story of panic attacks. And: Zoloft withdrawal after a week? It supposed to be a question about a Zoloft withdrawal but ended up being a story about my panic attacks.
Hello. I have ADHD, found out that recently, I was medicated with Concerta 18mg daily for a few months. One evening I experienced a panic attack and went to the emergency room with BP of 180/100, BPM of 140, numbing of the arms, legs and etc. I was told that it's a panic attack after the blood tests were run. I'm a 18 year old with no history of heart problems.
But after that panic attack I started to be aware of my heartbeat all the time. I was experiencing panic attacks almost daily. I was got myself into the endless cycle of worrying about my heart and eventually that worrying causing it to race.
I started taking Zoloft. I was taking it for it for almost two weeks, initially 25mg for a few days, then 50mg for a few days. I got a lot of side effects, such as uncontrollable shaking which even didn't let me talk properly, insomnia, dilated pupils, nausea, GERD symptoms.
ALSO. 3 years ago I had a suicide attempt by taking over 800mg of sertraline, but went quite fine afterwards. But I have developed slight tremor and GERD after that attempt.
My anxiety has pretty much stopped, I haven't experienced panic attack for over 2 weeks. I started to force myself to get into the bed before 10PM and to get least 9 hours of sleep. I meditate sometimes.
Started doing exercises, which sometimes become really painful because of ankylosing spondilitis.
I take melatonin before bed occasionally, because Zoloft gives me slight insomnia.
So after consulting with my doc, I'm quitting Zoloft. I took 25mg for a couple days and now I'm taking around 12,5mg and experiencing a withdrawal.
I have insane tinnitus and insomnia, some anxiety rebounding and I catch myself worrying about the heart sometimes and measuring my BP.
How long should this the withdrawal last?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Life is too empty without work/romance/family/social contact I wish I had gone through with my plan to hang myself on NYE. It just feels like there is not enough in life to make it worth the effort.
I am on disability pension and nearly every day just consists of trying to get my own laundry and cooking and cleaning done. My medical problems are getting worse and it probably won't be long before I need outside help to do those things. There is virtually no chance I will be able to do a worthwhile or fulfilling job.
I have only ever had one partner, she was violent and emotionally and financially abusive but having a companion made it worthwhile, given how lonely I was before (and since). I doubt I will be able to find someone willing to date a disabled and unemployed man but even then my trauma from being beaten by my ex-wife wouldn't let it work.
I only have social contact about 3-4 times a month - mostly through my disability support group, occasionally there is a meetup I can go to. I don't have many friends and none of them see me regularly. Some of them disassociated from me because when my wife was abusive they took me for the abuser because gender. Some of them live far away, mostly they are just too busy to care.
I've been trying to immerse myself in things I find fun and interesting but it's not enough to deal with the loneliness. Hobbies like gaming and reading are fun diversions but it doesn't meet my need to be with others. It feels like I'm living out my retirement at 35. Without a partner or a career or a real social life it isn't worth living.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Hey Hun, I don't know if you're sleeping or not, but I hope you're doing well or sleeping well. Yet again, I know this random, but Listen... Lately, more so than ever, I've been thinking about you a lot more. I didn't know why until today. I know it's because I really do miss you and love you still. But maybe it's also because of something I haven't really told you. I mean, I couldn't really tell you because I wasn't so sure for myself on what I wanted to say was true or not. I think i'm beginning to like this girl at school and have feelings for her. I've been getting to know her. She's part of my new friends that I've made recently at school, during the semester. I won't go into detail about her, I just want to say that opening my emotions and getting caught up in them again is tough. I think she likes me back. She's always asking me to hangout with her. I'm sure you know that it's hard for me to pick up everything again, a piece at a time after not really having you around as much anymore. I don't blame you for that. I blame myself. As much as you may want to take some of blame, I knew what I was getting into and didn't control myself. You warned me, but I fell in love with you. It was hard not to, since you liked me a lot back. You fed into it and it blossomed. We both fed into each other. I don't know if you fell in love with me as much, but I do know that you really loved me a lot. I mean, I don't know what true love is and I don't know if I ever will know what it truly is. Maybe on day, hopefully. But I know I loved you more than any girl I've been with in the past. It's sad to say that sometimes, I really hope for you to ask for me to come over and be like how things were when we first met. How we would stay up all night until we would almost pass out on FaceTime. You telling me everything about yourself and knowing almost everything about you on Snapchat. Your strengths, your flaws, your emotions, your past. Everything. I secretly hope we could have that again, but I'm sure you wouldn't want to. For understandable reasons, for both you and me. I'm sure it would be difficult for you to trust me and my emotions again. Hell, it would be hard for me to trust them myself. Though, you can understand why it was so hard. You already have someone to devout their heart to you and with yours to them. You don't need anyone else. Not me. Over these past months, I feel like I've been understanding you as a person more. Anyways, I'm typing all of this down to tell you that I love you and miss you a lot. I don't know if I could do it all over again while you're still with your boyfriend still. I would feel bad for him. No guy deserves that. I always thought he was an assholes who doesn't deserve you. In reality, he really wasn't. You just needed a small change for a bit while with him. I don't agree with that stuff. No one should ever cheat or be cheated on. Though, I secretly hope to be that way with you again and have that all over again. I still want to be in your life and by your side when you fall. You're till important to me. I just have to really cut you from my heart now, as much as I hate to. I need to move on. I still love you
|
self.offmychest
|
Hey, never really thought I'd I'd be here A lack of caring about my own welfare had kinda just always been a part of me, like, who cares, I always wake up? I drink a lot and It makes me sad sometimes? I never really thought I'd end up here, but I'm a little worried about myself tonight, and think I might need some company
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I CHOOSE Life everyday out of curiosity... I don't think of it the same, but I am more infatuated with the "Heroic Dose". It takes a similar amount of courage, but you come back. Even if just as empty handed.
|
self.depression
|
My Perspective is Incongruent with Reality My emotional perspective of my current circumstance is way off from objective logical circumstance. I probably just need to talk to someone to ward this away, but my only friend who happens to be my fiance is currently away at work. Anyways, I have a history of depressive symptoms as well as some "psychotic" ones although I hate labeling them that way. I usually have to maintain certain things to feel like my life is worth living, and for the most part I have, but over the past few weeks I've become more and more despondent about almost nothing. I don't want professional help as I've already taken that route about 3 or 4 times (with the most recent involving a counselor and 2 psychiatrists). I'm just so unmotivated and I feel stagnant. I also feel as if I shouldn't say anything to anyone because it would make this problem worse, but I force myself to write this anyways. I'm also worried this may sound disorganized.
The main issue that makes me feel like this is that I love creating things, but I have a negative feedback loop. It could be anything from game design to just writing a block of text on a piece of paper, but I just become unmotivated shortly after beginning and throw it all down. Not only is that a result of whatever is bringing me down, but it subsequently makes me feel worse. I don't know what to do. I used to have things to look forward to and do. I used to be excited to wake up and complete the next task I had on my list, but now I don't really care if I got up out of bed at 9 am or 9 pm. I feel very disconnected from normal experience, it almost feels like I'm watching a movie of someone typing. I don't want a fancy crisis line or some B.S. that's going to label me as depressed or psychotic. Someone just talk to me, help me feel like I can do something about this.
|
self.depression
|
Being bipolar and living alone Are any of you in this situation? I find it extremely hard 😳 how do you guys do it?...Most days Im just tempted to stay in bed all day... Im not really depressed but getting out of bed is so fucking hard. If I manage to do it Ill have a relatively normal day...but on the days I cave in I feel so guilty and scared.
|
self.bipolar
|
Question about Lamictal side effects possibly leading to anger and a bad temper My SO was recently diagnosed and was given lamictal. I believe it is the 25mg tab. He was supposed to take 1 per day for two weeks then increase to 2 per day. When he was taking 1 per day it seemed to help incredibly, he was very even.
Once he went to 2 per day he immediately went into a depression and has since been very angry. He said that he fantasizes about breaking things. Anything that would normally make him slightly frustrated is sending him into an angry frenzy. These are things that I am not only observing but he is telling me are happening.
Is this a possible side effect of lamictal? Is he even at a therapeutic dose? Would it make any sense that the lower dose worked better for him?
|
self.bipolar
|
Anxious over work My coworker recently put in her two weeks, so they opened up the job position for others to apply to. Me, having worked with the company for several years applied to it. But so did another coworker, who has been working there several months.
I'm so just so afraid that they are going to choose him over me, even though I have all of the experience, and am basically doing the same job right now except I don't have that nice salary that comes with it. This wouldn't be the first time they passed me over for a promotion...
I'm really just getting myself worked up over nothing. I'm just nervous and feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.
|
self.offmychest
|
So, Effexor withdrawal is as bad as its reputation. I'm on Effexor and depakote and a bunch of other stuff. Effexor has been causing some major unwanted side effects, so I decided to stop. I figured, since it's the lowest possible dose you can take, I've only taken it for like 8 days, and when I wanted to get off Cymbalta (another SNRI) my pdoc told me to just stop taking it that this would be fine.
NOPE.
It is NOT FINE.
I was so sick that I had to restart it. So here I am, back on it. Only made it to day three.
FUCK SNRIs.
|
self.bipolar
|
i'm running out of ways to wish i was dead. I am so sorry. It had to go to this. Excuse the bad composition. Excuse the typos, of me not making any sense. And the cluster that I'm about to dump here. It's currently 5:15pm, Philippine time. I have work at 12 am. I work at home, I never go out. I just don't even go out of my room anymore. This has been happening for almost three years now since I've got my job as a chat moderator/contact support online. My job is fairly easy. But my mental health has been deteriorating. I am not exaggerating. You ever feel so mentally sick it turns physical? I'll spare you the details. I don't wanna give you the details. I'll be here all day and I'm only here because I took one sleeping pill and I still can't sleep. Let's get to the good stuff. I have tourette's syndrome. I cannot quit my job and be truly happy because this is the only easy pay that puts food in my mouth and help me survive. I came from an abusive home. I cannot go out there and hustle because I have extreme anxiety and depression (professional diagnosed, i only went once or twice but never again) I got hooked on benzos. Almost died at december 2015 for doing lean because benzos withdrawals, man. I lost A FUCKTON of friends because fuck, I don't know why I cant seem to talk to anyone without my brain wanting to die on itself. Everything is exhausting. I sleep 10 hours a day, I go to work, rinse and repeat. My room looks like it's depressed, i look like death in the mirror. Today, takes the cake.
I can hear hissing in my left ear. The biggest fear I have is having tinnitus. I thought this was only an episode of an anxiety attack. This started saturday night when my friend was telling me he was going to kill himself on his birthday (the 29th) and i was trying to talk him out of it, all the while preparing for work. After work, around 8 am, i was having a panic attack because we were fighting, I was mad at him for even thinking to do that - but that's besides the point I hear a hissing in my ear.
My biggest fear in life is having tinnitus. This is going to drive me insane. Now, the sound is barely noticeable but this takes the cake. I can feel anxiety take over me. It's bad enough i had a depressive episode (where i can feel my entire body shut down and my chest just kinda turned into his gaping void) but to have this ugly anxiety because of the hissing in my left ear. Is this from anxiety or is it because of what, earwax build up? My left ear has been aching for months, now. What is this? The hissing on my left ear I wouldn't mind if my anxiety just won't stop acting up, My hands are shaking. I feel goosebumps all over my body.
Please help. I can listen to music but I don't want to. I'm to depressed to do anything. I can't believe i am writing this, I'm 21, by the way. I just. Don't know. What to do. The hissing stopped, it's an on and off thing. I just want to sleep. man. But I've - like every other day - been contemplating ways to die again. It's getting brutal in my head again, anything but this. I'm so physically and mentally drained. Thank you.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
All these problems I don't even want to fix Sometimes I get motivated and think about how to fix my life then I realised there are too many problems I don't know where to start. Sometimes I think there actually isn't any problem the problem is me.
|
self.depression
|
why didnt i kill myself after fucking another man who was a bit more than twice my age i walked home hating myself for doing any of this. that this isnt the life i wanted. that i was going to stop and work on my life. but this was my biggest distraction from everything. and not having it made my feel like shit. i tried not to cry on the bus an walking home the only thing i could ask of myself is "please kill yourself when you get home". i wanted to get drink and sit in a bath tube to wash away the filth. i could still smell the 2 guys i had seen that day on me, even this morning i can still smell/taste them. I woke up thinking i wasnt going to do this anymore. and after treating/sleeping off my hangover im back to hitting up more guys for sex. im a guy myself. i dont even consider myself gay or really enjoy having sex with other guys. what first started out as a thing i did in a really bad depressive episode is just starting to be my life now. i feel so sub-human and unsatisfied. the plan was to just be an acholhlic. and i hate drinking. i cant enjoy it anymore. not sure if sleeping around is much better but its what i do all day, trying to find someone to sleep with. i just need one more bad depressive episodes to end it all. i can never get them when i want them.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
When I was in 3rd grade I thought I should kill myself [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Severe depression Am I the only person that can't work and can't do school and it has been like this for many months? I swear I feel like the only person that complains about how bad my depression is every day to my parents.
|
self.depression
|
My boss pointed to a ranting homeless man and said "I won't let that happen to you". Background: I've known my boss since I was 13 years old. She was my mother's boss at one point. I'm now 24. She came to me to employ me when she opened her bar two years ago in February.
A month or so ago, we decided to have a late lunch so that she could air some of my coworkers complaints about my disorder as well as have some quality time, so she said. We went to Chipotle. We sat outside. We were there for about 4 hours just talking honestly.
But, something that struck me as odd and a little insensitive was when we saw this homeless man. He was walking across the street and yelling at the skies. He was clearly mentally ill and my boss just looks at me and she says "I won't let that happen to you." And I felt.. Embarassed. I don't get embarrassed often but I know how it feels and I was mortified. The fact that she even connected me with this clearly unstable individual made me feel like my trust in her, like her knowing about my multiple diagnoses and meds, was.. Tarnished in a way.
I know she said it out of the goodness of her heart because that woman truly does love me and has my back with my coworkers constantly from day one and hasn't fired me when I shpuld have been fired, but damn, did it sting. Because, my pdoc says my bipolar disorder is getting worse (which it has) and is likely to continue to get worse as I age and all I can do is manage it. And I'm scared one day I *will* become one of those homeless people who screams at the wind and talks to unseen people.
So, I don't know, guys. What do you think?
|
self.bipolar
|
i just missed a therapy appointment and idk what to do. yes, i accidentally missed it on purpose if you can understand, i just find therapy isn't helping and idk what to do about it, i'm getting to the end of this shit, so very very close to calling it quits. i was just too depressed to get up out of bed and realized that it's not even helping me anyway.
|
self.depression
|
I wish I would have ended my life back in 2008 If I had been diagnosed back then, I would have done it instead of letting my dad talk me out it. I never would have gotten married & had kids if I had known I had bipolar. I feel like such a failure as a wife, mother and as a person. I feel like such a burden. I let everyone down. I hate who I am.
|
self.bipolar
|
A dear friend of mine died this morning She was in constant emotional pain every minute of every day for as long as I had known her. She was a crack-addict with a stunning intellect. One of the most fascinating, brilliant, and tortured people I have ever met.
I had done everything in my power over the years to help her through her crippling depression, and addiction. The last clinic I helped her find was a holistic depression-centered treatment facility designed to treat the underlying causes of her depression, not the addiction itself. After 6 weeks, she was discharged, and I really thought she was finally going to be alright. We had worked on a plan for her to get back into school, and finish her PhD. She told me that for the first time in years she felt hopeful.
Two weeks later she was back on the streets doing drugs again. That was about a month ago, and I had heard nothing from her since. This morning I received a text from her mom letting me know that my friend had killed herself. I am absolutely heart broken for her family, but at the same time, I am glad that her torment has finally come to an end. Rest In Peace, my beautiful friend. You will be greatly missed.
|
self.offmychest
|
More broke as an adult than you were in college? That's me.
So much for upward mobility.
|
self.depression
|
Feels like nobody is real anymore Words mean less and less everyday. People say one thing and mean another. People genuinely don't give a fuck about anything other than themselves and I can't understand that. Life doesn't feel like it should be like that.
I don't know if this is the right place for this. If not I'm sorry
|
self.depression
|
I hate you happy people... I'm laying in my bed sobbing with my heart breaking as I realize that I am not loved by the man that I love so deeply and that no one will ever love me and I will never have a family. I'm not enough and I never will be.
I've been crying so hard I'm gagging myself. So I finally slow down and decide to scroll social media to distract myself. This was a huge mistake. Everyone is there with their kind husbands and adorable babies. It makes me want to rip my own heart out and just die.
I used to be good at loving them and smiling and being happy for them because I just knew that I would be like them one day. But I won't. I'm in the darkness and not good enough for the light. I'm not good enough for him or anyone else. I'm worthless.
He will never be able to love me the way I desire. If he will have me though I will stay so I won't be alone. Alone is the worst. I'd rather be dead. Death would be peace, instead of the constant heartbreaking pain.
I have dark circles under my eyes and am close to busting blood vessels from crying. My shoulders and thighs are covered in thick nasty scratches from trying to replace the emotional pain with physical pain.
I chose to have a career and education. It's my own fault. I should have married young and started having babies. I would trade being a mom for app the professional success I've amassed.
I hate him. I hate the happy people. Most of all I hate myself.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don’t know who will see this... I’m only a teenager. I have my whole life ahead of me, I haven’t even gone through anything bad that’s worth me taking my own life but honestly at this point I just want it all to end.
I feel ashamed for even posting this because I know there are people out there who have it so much worse than me.
I just need help.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I've always struggled with my own mental illnesses but SO recently opened up about possibly having high functioning depression. What can I do to help make it bearable? We are both cycling in our depression together. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
My boss got promoted to VP for "meeting her goals"... that were actually all my accomplishments. Seriously. No one fucking knows what the hell she does at the company. *I* don't even know what she does at our company. She was a one-woman department until she hired me this spring, and it's like all of a sudden, everything that was on her plate is now on mine.
She did a competitor research analysis (SWOT) that was a sum total of ONE powerpoint slide-grid, with three bullets per section. No list of competitors or their strengths, no target markets, no online chatter or search results, no customer quotes, *nothing*. I did a similar analysis for a friend of mine that took up *10 pages* of fucking research of competitors, different angles, where she stood in search rankings in an afternoon. My boss produced this "report" that supposedly took her two weeks. Furthermore:
* She writes nothing. She'll take my work, tweak it without having me look at it a second time, and then *I'm* the one teased by coworkers for typos and lack of flow because she effed it up without telling me.
* She refuses to hire another writer or let anyone in-house help me because "I'm the only one she trusts" to write *four* blog posts a *week* (in 2018), when I *told her* that that was what burned me out at my last position.
* She hasn't actually done anything on the website to make it work properly.
* She refuses to show me how to edit videos, and yet somehow I get blamed when there aren't updated clips on the website or new arrests.
* I do all the PR, the outreach, the editing, the dealing with vendors, the coordinating and training in-house with other departments, the writing of long- and short-form copy, the email campaigns, *everything*.
* The last project she actually did was "help with the merger" which I have no idea what it was she even did, create a product-launch handbook that no one outside of three people has seen (and requires content to be produced that I'll probably be informed of within two days of it needing to appear, not that I've seen it), and a forty-minute video of our coworkers' life stories for a company-wide presentation. Yes, I understand, that was important, but really??>!?!
I had a panic attack on Friday that saw me dry-heaving into the shower drain as my husband rubbed my back. I can't even start a small part of my job because I'm so fucking overwhelmed.
And bosslady, before you say, "You need to tell me when to ask for help before it gets bad," remember that I *told* you that I can't do all the blogging AND the long-term projects. I told you about the blogging back in February when you hired me! I told you that I need writing help! I *cannot* do all of this on my own, and you simply don't have the skills required to help, which is why you hired that fucking awful agency before that ripped you off for $3k a month.
And, for my last bit of pettiness: When your last marketing company folded/downsized and you were let go... You got a job at this company as an inside sales person, rather than at another company as a marketer. How could you not land another job as a marketer with 10+ years of experience behind you?!
I'm done. I'm handing them my resignation tomorrow. I'll work on a freelancer basis with them if they want help with their long-term content projects, but I'm not staying there any longer. My mental health can't take it.
|
self.offmychest
|
I want my family and my boyfriend to learn more about bipolar disorder since I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 2. What are some good books or websites to share with them? Basically everything in the title. I haven’t been doing great lately and it’s been taken out on my parents and boyfriend. Have been having more mixed episodes which suck, and then I’m drained and feel nothing. My parents have been getting not mad, but frustrated because they don’t understand. I try explaining to my parents but they don’t want to hear it sometimes which makes me feel like shit, and then my boyfriend doesn’t really understand the way I explain things. He isn’t as frustrated but I can just tell it affects him and I wish it didn’t.
|
self.bipolar
|
Not even sure if im depressed Im just numb. Sad and sometimes numb. I can be happy. Its not impossible. But theres something in me, telling me to just go and kill myself. Jump in front of a train. I feel sad for the train drivers. That they have to deal with people like me. I havent felt happy for more than an hour or so since i was maybe 12. Or perhaps i have. I cant remember much. I can remember the last two years decently, but before that, its just not there. Snippets, but my memory is shit. I wonder why. Never been able to focus, really. I really dont even know why i feel like shit. Why i've been feeling like shit for so long. I really shouldnt. Nothing really bad ever happened to me. A lost relation here or there. Ofc im bi, or gay, or whatever. But my parents and my brothers supported me. Cried with me. Still i feel like shit. My chest, my body physically hurts. I dont want to kill myself. At least I think so. But i wouldnt mind dying. Sometimes, while on my commute, I sit on the train and wonder how it would feel to just be gone. I have stared into the knife drawer in my kitchen more than once, and just wondered how it would feel. I dont think i would commit yet though. But I feel that it's not far off. Sorry for the rant. I talk to much. Im not even sure who to talk to. I dont want to go and get professional help. I wouldnt be accepted into the army if i did that. I dont want to burden my parents. They have their own problems. And Im not a child anymore, I cant just cry to mom whenever i feel bad. Im lost. So fucking lost. I had goals, and dreams and whatnot. They've dissappeared, like my memory. I dont think anymore. Not like i used to. College level philosophy should make me think. I enjoyed philosopy. Now Im not sure. I think i'll just drown my sorrows in beer for now.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm just really confused and have a lot of questions. [Sorry for the wall of text]
I'm young, 15 and turning 16 this year. For over a year now I've been feeling like shit and I've had suicidal thoughts for an equal amount of time. I stoped being happy and thought life was meaningless and I felt empty inside. From the help of friends I was finally able to be happy, laugh and enjoy things again but my suicidal thoughts still remained. Though I laugh and genuinely enjoy things I still want to kill myself, I don't want to get better and I miss when I was at my lowest. A part of me has already decided I'm going to end it all at one point, I've convinced myself that is how I will die.
Every single time I make a mistake it feels like the end of the world, life seems so surreal and it feels like I'm not actually in control of what I do.
I don't cry, I don't really feel that bad anymore to be honest, I'm happy but I still want to die. Every day, everytime I do something out of my comfort zone or when I take my morning shower, when I put on my clothes, when I go to school, when I'm in school, when I get home from school, when I play video games, when I go to sleep, and even when I'm with the girl I love I feel like everything would be better if I just died.
I'm confused 'cause I don't know what I feel. How can I be happy and still want to die? My life is amazing I know that, but why do I miss when I was as most depressed? I love my friends and family but why do I wanna isolate myself from them? Why do I feel like nothing is real when I know it is? Why do I feel like shit about the fact that life is meaningless though I know that it doesn't matter and is in fact not really something negative? I know things will get better in the future and I know I could get help and speed up that process but I don't want to. Why do I feel like killing myself is a better solution than to live a happy life?
I don't understand.
|
self.depression
|
The truth There is no real support for suicidal people. If we speak we are sent in a nut house and don't receive any real help. Life is a prison. I wish I never existed. There is no point in living just to be tortured day after day no matter how hard you try to get out of it. I'm just a miserable human on a planet in the universe complaining. Just a nothing being unsatisfied.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Should I go to school. It’s 4 am and my anxiety causes my insomnia. Advice [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Quit my job Just quit my first job since graduating. Was making above average salary for my industry and good benefits but the work was meaningless, there was a constant lack of respect for staff level people, and the hours were long on top of an hour commute. I don't want to waste my 80 percent of the hours I'm awake doing something I don't enjoy when my mental health is already so fragile. I have a safety net of being home so this isn't putting me on the street or anything. I just want some more control in my life. Fuck the money.
|
self.depression
|
Life is too fucking exhausting With each breath my heart feels like it wants to give up. My brain feels too clouded to function. It's like someone lit a fire inside my head. There's panic and frenzy and chaos but it's so filled with smoke that nothing can be done to help.
|
self.offmychest
|
not a danger to self... but I still really need someone to talk to. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it possible to OD on 8,625mg of Topiramate? [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't want to be "treated". I want a fucking "cure". The next person that tells me depression can be treated is gonna feel my foot go so far up their ass it goes out their mouth and breaks their teeth.
|
self.depression
|
Just found out my best friend sexually touched my little sister years ago [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Is there such a thing as ‘beating’ suicidal thoughts? Is it even worth trying?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm so insecure I'm going crazy I have no self worth and am constantly thinking self deprecating thoughts, often obsessing over other females being better than me. It's so bad that I get jealous of cartoon and video game characters. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm super paranoid about my boyfriend being attracted to other women. At least it started off that way until I found out he was masturbating to comic strips and cartoons and my anxiety and paranoia grew tenfold and now I'm constantly worried about basically anything with boobs. I'm tired of these thoughts and I'm tired of having mini panic attacks when we're watching tv.
I try to combat the fear with logic but it's no use. I tell myself that I see attractive men on tv and when at work but I don't give them a second thought, I don't want them, and I don't think of them as any better than my boyfriend because I love him and he is what I want. So because I can feel that way, he can too, right? If I understand that logic then why do I freak out all the time just watching tv or watching him play video games???
It's maddening and pathetic and I hate myself for it.
What's worse is that I can't talk to him about it because he get frustrated with how terribly insecure I am and I have no friends to talk to or vent to. I have no idea how to work on this problem. For now I'm reduced to holding everything inside and terrorizing myself with these thoughts.
|
self.Anxiety
|
sitting here with everything to do and wanting to do none of it bored, painfully bored, i've got books to read, games and instruments to play, i could go out and see people, but i just sit here. sitting. waiting for things to do, but i've got that, i'm just waiting for the want to do them. it's awful.
i don't even feel particularly bad, not in that familiar way with the tears and the pain and all that, but just in a sort dull and empty way, that i feel so often.
|
self.depression
|
Do you guys ever tell work that you’re ‘not feeling well’ just to have a day off to get your head together? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Recent road rage incident causing anxiety Recently while driving with my girlfriend, a guy on the streets who we made angry somehow (even though he was speeding and we were in another lane) decided to chase us to a red light and start a nearly physical confortation between my girlfriend, me, and the other driver. The other man left only after I called 911 and I also left because of extreme anxiety and not wanting to get in trouble with the police. Now I have a fear of even traveling outside, and I keep replaying the incident in my head. What do I do?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I can't believe I still live here... I have lived in this state for 5 years now... I always knew I would move back across the country where I grew up after I graduated college. All four years whenever I missed home I told myself I can and will move back as soon as I finish and I should just have fun and keep studying hard while I am here. The last year and a half of school was really hard since my parents moved across the country too and I was never able to go back.
But then the last 3 months of school I fell in love with the most amazing girl. And for some unimaginable reason she felt the same about me. So here I am, a year and a half out of school with no plans to move back. I no longer feel like I even have that option. Our relationship has flourished without a hiccup. I have spent time with her entire family and extended family and they all love me and I get along with them so well. We've lived together part of the time and spent 3 months traveling together and barely got annoyed with each other once. Things couldn't possibly be better between us.
Now I'm looking for my second job out of school and applying to grad schools here. And I can't envision myself ever going home again for more than a few days... I had a dream I moved back last night and woke up crying this morning. I am now realizing what I guess I already knew which is that I am only still here because of her. I would have moved back the day after graduation if I hadn't met her. She has said maybe she will want to spend a couple years living somewhere else at some point but plans to spend her whole life here where she grew up so she can be near her family. I guess I am now in the horrible position of having to choose between her and home. But I don't really have much choice do I? It would just make no sense for me to move back. My family is here now and at this point it even makes more sense for my career to stay here, and now I have this girlfriend and second family here. What can I do? Any life path I choose will require heartbreak.
|
self.offmychest
|
Emptiness I feel empty inside. Like I float from day to day, moment to moment. I don’t really feel anything anymore. Just this emptiness and hollowness in my chest, right on my heart. I feel cold when I look at people, and I feel nothing towards the things that used to bring me such joy. Will this last forever? Because this is not the forever I wish to have. I am numb. I have nothing left. Sometimes I feel a part of me reaching for the happiness I once new deep down. But every time it escapes me, I feel the void deepen. How long will it be until I can feel something other than complete emptiness? I can’t take much more. Thanks for listening.
|
self.depression
|
Take the Cult Out of Work Culture The company I work for is a fucking cult. All the management expect you to be so grateful to work here and to bow down to the company like it's a god. They expect you to blend work and life together to extend the philosophies of their values.
They try to be a cool company, but they're so old fashion and still have a huge hierarchy. If you don't go beyond and post on social media or brag about working there then you're looked down upon. Most of the workers are cool, but just the amount of cultness in management and how they think that working at this company is like the biggest honor is ridiculous.
|
self.offmychest
|
Any recommendations to test memory abilities on regular basis? I know Lamictal ( lamotrigine ) cut my short-term memory by at least 30%, and it still hasn’t gotten better after 2+ years on Lamictal.
I’m guessing many of you have the same problem?
Recent tests with neuropsychologist ... he recommended switching from Lamictal to Lithium, because he said my short-term memory was shitty ... at least he said it in a nice way, haha.
Just met with psychiatrist. I am starting Lithium tomorrow. If goes well, then I will begin tapering off Lamictal in 3 weeks.
**Problem**
The only benefit from the med change would be my memory getting better.
I have no idea how to regularly test and keep track of how good/bad my memory is.
Anyone tech savvy know an app or game or something I can tell if my memory gets significantly better 3+ months from now.
The best thing I found was Lumosity brain app, but online reviews were all over the place.
|
self.bipolar
|
Is the depressive me, really me ? I know how boring, unfunny, antipathetic i am since depression. Deep inside of me i really hope that is because of depression and that's not really me. I want to believe that i'm going to change once i will be cured.
But recently i realized that most of the people i know don't understand what is depression. They don't understand how depression can change someone personnality. How it can kill all your feelings and all your motivation. So i am afraid that my friends and family just think this is me. That i am really as i am, boring, anthipatetic etc. I don't want to admit it.
|
self.depression
|
He broke up with me last night I'd been dating this guy for almost six months and I thought things were going fantastically. Getting attached to someone super quick is something I've been working on not doing, but I figured it was safe at this point. He came over last night and we had a long discussion. Long story short, he said he doesn't think he can be as emotionally available as he needs to be for me (mostly due to a failed engagement a few years ago) and that I deserve someone who can meet me halfway on the effort I put into my relationships.
He was really good at helping me when I'd have an anxious breakdown or multiple depressive episodes and now he's gone. I'm so terrified my depression is going to skyrocket and I won't be able to function. I know this is better than him stringing me along just to try to make me feel better but I'm crushed. I can already feel it setting in.
|
self.depression
|
Accommodations Weren't Enough Yo bipolar fam, I wrote an article that I think you'll identify with, at least to some degree. My experience is colored by the fact that bipolar isn't my only problem, but it did get me in a psych ward. Yay for that. (originally from my blog at charlieVweiss.kinja.com, if you want to read more of my stuff)
Accommodations Weren't Enough
It’s time to introduce you to the chaos that is my mere existence. Yes, folks, I’m talking about my unbelievably awful medical history.
First, some background. Here are some things I have been diagnosed with:
Chronic psychophysiological insomnia
Tendonitis of the arms, wrists, hands, knees, and feet
Bursitis of the hips
Raynaud’s disease without gangrene
Chronic migraines
Asthma
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Major depressive disorder (with one episode)
Bipolar disorder (with major manic episode)
And I like to add Fibromyalgia to the list, because a rheumatologist actually confirmed it, but didn’t write down (which super screwed me over when I ended up in a psych ward). Here’s what he said:
“Sounds like you have chronic, unexplained pain in your whole body. Well, your test results are all clean, so some people might call that Fibromyalgia.”
Notice the implication that he wouldn’t call that Fibromyalgia, for some reason.
My further evidence is this quote from an email I received from a Harvard clinical study on Fibro, which is currently the only way a broke ignorant college student can get access to innovative healthcare:
“From what you told me it seems like you will be a great candidate, I have had many other participants who don’t have an actual diagnosis, so that will not exclude you.”
Which was good enough for me, especially considering this untestable, incurable disease is diagnosed entirely on self-reporting of pain. Which I definitely have.
So, anyway, I’ve clearly got some major medical problems, but that list doesn’t really tell you anything. Here are some of the everyday effects of all my illnesses:
Extreme fatigue (insomnia, fibromyalgia, migraines)
Difficulty concentrating (insomnia, migraines)
Pain (all of the above)
Hopelessness and irritability (pain, depression, bipolar)
Nasty belly cramps (IBS, womanhood)
Shame (IBS, everything else)
Light, sound, smell, taste, touch sensitivity (migraines, fibromyalgia)
Loss of appetite (IBS, migraine, the physical act of eating hurts from fibromyalgia)
Being freezing all the time (Raynaud’s, which means poor circulation)
Hot flashes (same thing, I can’t regulate my temperature from Raynaud’s)
Crying (pain)
Extremely painful muscle stiffness in the morning (fibromyalgia)
Lots and lots of other unpredictable problems
Inability to recover (insomnia, everything else)
Basically, I wake up every morning feeling like I spent the night tied to active railroad tracks, and it only gets worse from there. And the best part is, it’s pretty much all (currently) incurable.
Sure, there are some kinds of okay treatments for some of these things, but it’s all in the works, and they’re meant for people who only have one of these problems. For example, tylenol and NSAIDs can sometimes help my soft tissue pain, but it upsets my IBS which causes more pain, especially when combined with caffeine which I take for migraines, but that makes Raynaud’s worse (and believe me, you probably underestimate how painful it is to not be a nice, neutral temperature), and that’s all really stressful which makes my psychological things worse, which makes everything else worse, and whoopie now it’s a downward spiral.
And don’t forget! I was in college when I learned all this.
I thought I’d do something nice for myself, and secure some accommodations. What I didn’t realize is that those are designed for people who have nice, manageable problems. They’re meant to help you be more normal, by giving you slight advantages like being able to move to another room when your environment is too overwhelming, or get extra time on a test. It works alright at most schools, and if it doesn’t, you can at least keep yourself under the radar.
But I wanted something better for myself. I wanted something like me— unusual. Hard to believe. I wanted to go to a tiny, innovative engineering school called Olin College of Engineering, where everything is projects, and experiments, and teamwork, and fun. I loved it.
And despite what happened next, that school is my heart. It’s real small, and everyone (students, faculty, staff) is doing their damnedest to make it awesome. Everyone there works unbelievably hard, but sometimes, there’s just too much work to do, and someone has to suffer for it. This time, that person was me.
The flexibility of experimental, team-based classes was both a blessing and a curse. It meant I could take days off when I needed to, and work when I wanted to, and it would usually be fine. But it also meant I was held far more accountable for my actions than most college students- my peers, friends, and professors were putting faith in me that I would abide by our Honor Code, and do the best I could, always. So, sure, the students (which used to include me) might have a hard time getting to class on time, or at all, but damn do they work hard to deliver on that promise. If you’ve ever met an Oliner, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
What this school grants its students is this: Autonomy. From the school’s perspective, this is because if you give people the resources, teach them the skills, and see what they want to accomplish, the results are astounding. I love how fantastic that is in its own right, but from my perspective, it’s also the only way I can survive.
See, my disabilities don’t fit into pretty accommodating boxes. They’re messy, overwhelming, interactive, and fluctuate constantly (often even in span of just a few minutes). You may have heard how hard it is for anyone with a disability to explain it to someone else, and it’s about a million times harder for someone like me. It’s almost impossible for me to understand and predict my body, much less explain it to someone else. It takes a huge toll on how I can interact with people, so I end up just pretending everything’s fine because it’s just way too tiring to bring another person to an accurate understanding. And I look fine, don’t I?
So when the disabilities counselor asked what accommodations I needed, I came up blank. It was just too hard to come up with an accurate prediction.
Sometimes I need to leave the room, or run around the room to get my circulation going, or disappear for a few days, or nap for 10 minutes, or blindfold myself, or change clothes, or eat, or go to the bathroom, or whatever, and there’s a pretty solid chance I won’t know until it’s happening. Because, guys, I’m in excruciating pain all the time— Pain isn’t an indicator for me anymore. I have very little warning when my body needs something.
The problem is, the whole point of accommodations is to help normalize me into the system. But I have never been, and never will be, normal. I wanted to be, but my body can’t do it. I have to live a lifestyle that’s very very different from the norm, because it’s fixing problems that the norm has never even considered. And the really shitty part of that is, what’s accommodating for me isn’t always going to be accommodating for you, and there’s a lot more of you. So when it comes down to it, I don’t even really get a say in the matter.
So, predictably I guess, the whole college thing failed miserably, because I fell into a downward spiral that I couldn’t get out of, and my school understandably attributed it to mania rather than the hoard of other medical problems that I couldn’t really explain, and I ended up in a psych ward. I had a bad time. I’m writing a book about it.
But how did I even make it through the first two years?
Yeah, I’m riddled with awful medical problems that make each other worse. Yeah, no one can help me. But I’m a goddamn human being, so I adapt, and I figure out how to turn my problems into my strengths. For example:
Problem: I can’t work for two weeks, because my body is in excruciating pain.
Solution: Use my tendency for mania from bipolar disorder to make up the work.
Problem: I’m experiencing sensory overload from my environment, and I can’t focus, and I’m starting to panic.
Solution: Use my techniques to control my circulation to slow my heartbeat, which will help me be calm, and I can use my engineering skills to think of a better solution.
Problem: I’m in way too much pain to do this.
Solution: I will be in pain anyway (fibromyalgia). Do it anyway. I’ve experienced enough pain so far that my pain tolerance is exceptional, if I can figure out how to focus (caffeine).
And those are just some examples. After twenty years of living like this without perspective on what “normal” is (because guess what runs in the family!), that’s just what I learned to do. Figure out who or what I am, and make it work. I think that, at least, is pretty standard human experience.
To that end, I’ve found a way to change my story from “despite everything” to “because of everything,” and even though I’ve suffered more than any person should from merely existing, I intend to make good on my internal promise to make this worth it. I’m going to make this world a place where someone like me can exist peacefully (and you’ll probably all benefit in the process).
So good luck, my friends, and keep on chugging. If I can do it, you most certainly can.
Yours,
Charlie
P.S. There’s like a lot more I want to say, but as I said before, it’s really hard to communicate my struggle. So just stay tuned, if you’re curious. Oh and, if you’ve gone through something similar and want a buddy, I gotchu fam. Stay strong.
|
self.bipolar
|
Suicide and why I can’t do it (even though I think about it all the time) Like the title says, I think about suicide all the time, ways in which I would do it with as little pain as possible and with no witnesses (I’ve never want to scar someone) etc but I know that it’s not going to solve anything. Well me in a way cos I’ll be dead but it’s going to shift the burden onto the people around me. My amazing boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago and if I did it, I wouldn’t want him to think I’d did it because of the break up.
I know that it’s not a solution - permanent solution to a temporary problem and whatnot - so I don’t do it. If I knew that no one would be hurt or affected by this, had no family or friends, I would certainly do it. However I know that my suicide would affect some people so I don’t do it and it just leaves me in a weird middle state, in want of better phrasing.
I suppose a natural reaction to my last paragraph would be “find a hobby” and so on. Find something to distract yourself. I agree where that’s coming from but I do have hobbies and I do indulge in things which give me some escape, some comfort but my mind, plagued with so many self loathing and negative thoughts, just wont let me go.
I don’t know what to do. I just feel like I have to exist now.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Who cries over macaroni and cheese This is going to sound super mundane and I apologize in advance. This is how I know I actually have anxiety because I have panic attacks over something so trivial that SHOULD NOT evoke this reaction.
I have a debilitating fear of performing tasks in front of people. I don’t have very many skills and I also fear ridicule and criticism so put those together and boom instant panic attack. It somewhat goes away when whatever I’m performing is for just my use (example: if I’m putting together a shelf for my bedroom vs. a shelf for everyone to use at the office). One of my biggest fears is cooking. I’m not good at it no matter how hard I try and I have an absolute meltdown when other people are involved in eating what I’m making, no matter how simple.
Case in point. My boyfriend and I just moved in together, and he’s aware of the situation, but I’ve been having such anxiety over how often this is probably going to happen. Just now, he asked me to watch a pot of boiling water and add noodles while he went to take a shower. I was freaking out over a fucking pot of water to make Mac and cheese. I always am wrong when I think the noodles are done but I tried anyway. When he walked out of the shower, he went over to it and asked if I had even drained them because they looked too watery.
I broke down and started bawling my eyes out. And now he’s angry that I’m upset so I’m more upset.
Like literally, it’s macaroni and cheese. No one should cry over macaroni and cheese.
|
self.Anxiety
|
so i have this problem called life no matter what i do i cant find happiness. I live in a circle and cant get out when i find something i think will make me happy all it does it make life worse. i hate more then more then most. thought education would make me feel more fulfilled and all it did was make me more depressed and more hateful to people. took away even more hope. fate has had its way with me and I'm not at all sure why life is like this for me and not others. and the worst part is there's really nothing i can do about it. I cant kill my self, and i cant kill all the bad. so, i just live this empty life that just gets more and more empty as i go. have any of you ever felt as i do? and is there anything i can do to really better my life?
|
self.depression
|
Why do I feel I need to share success Why do I feel the need for friends and people to share success with. Like I’m currently unemployed but feel if and when I get successful it won’t matter because I feel I have no one to share it with.
|
self.depression
|
Overwhelmed and lost. I'm in my first year of social work. I've wanted to be in the program for years and even took a year off to stabilize my BP2 symptoms to make sure I would be successful. I am driven and am committed to the profession. I'm behind.
During my second week of classes, I found out that my mother had been lying about her financial situation. Not just lying, creating false e-mail accounts to mislead my sister and I. It's not the first time this kind of thing has happened. Since then, I've been working to find a solution to get her housed in an affordable situation, do school work and work part time.
I can't do it all anymore.
My parents are divorced and my Dad keeps asking how he can help, what is wrong, etc. He's got some harsh narcissistic tendencies and is sometimes willing to be useful, but most of the time not so much. He twists everything to be about him and I can't appease him right now.
My husband feels like my mother is manipulating me and that I should continue my schooling even though I can't seem to get any work done without worrying about my mother. I've tried to get her help but she the lying is always continuing.
I saw my psychiatrist the other night and she's happy with how I'm coping. My lithium levels are good and the only issue I'm encountering mental health wise is with the stress. Thank fuck I'm stable for this.
I feel stable, I feel safe with my mental heath. How do I deal with my family who is clearly encountering their own shit without sinking myself?
|
self.bipolar
|
Clarity instead of sadness. Three months to live I have felt enough sadness. I am simply decided on the fact I will end my life. I researched a peaceful method. The only exception I will live on for is if my developing website is hugely successful. I spent $4000 and months on it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish I had Died I had heart disease when I was a kid and doctors were sure I wasn't gonna make it. I did and they called me miracle child at the hospital. Now I wish I hadn't of made it. I've been thinking about it over the years and I think it would've been better if I had just gone then. I started smoking and drinking last year so I would give myself cancer but I can't take the taste of cigarettes. I don't kill myself because I can't survive a heart disease then off myself it wouldn't be right by my family. I just really want to die.. Im tired and I don't care about anything anymore.
Not an attention/sympathy post I just need somewhere to be anonymous other than my own head.
Edit: yes I've been drinking alot today as well so I will probably regret this post.
|
self.depression
|
is it OK to be average? I hate being average at everything it fuels my depression!
|
self.depression
|
Emotionless Is it normal to feel no guilt or sympathy when feeling emotionless?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Suicidal teen I have to courage or reason to live anymore. No money, no friends and socially akward af. I live in sweden and im 14 years old. Probably going to take my life tomorrow. Think i have reached a point of no return now. Also whats a painless way to do it?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar and I've been researching all I can to learn about this disorder to be the support he needs. This subreddit has been very helpful to me and I want to thank everyone for their information. We've always known he had something wrong, but he never went to an actual psychiatrist until now. She knew right away what it was.
He's started medication and I'm nervous. He was misdiagnosed before with ADHD and began taking Adderall, and it caused him to have severe suicidal thoughts to the point of almost being admitted. Now that I know what I do, I think it enhanced his depressive state. I was able to help him through it and he's okay now since he stopped, but of course the fear still persists since he's on a new medication now.
Even through the manic episodes and depressive episodes, I love this man with all my heart and I want to help him as much as I can. The more I read about bipolar the more I realize his diagnosis is accurate. He is wreckless with money, he gets grandiose business ideas, and he wants to DIY build everything under the sun. A couple years back we nearly divorced because of this, but we have recovered and are stronger than ever.
He's learning to recognize his triggers and is asking me to help him. However, in the past when I've tried to stop him from doing crazy things, he says I'm "treating him like a child" which is not my intent. I'm just trying to save us and him from himself. How do I approach him in a way that won't make him defensive?
edit: **Thank you all so much for the replies. I appreciate all the thoughtful advice and insight into the bipolar mind. I'm learning as I go, and so is he. I'll update with comments here as we progress together.**
|
self.bipolar
|
Ive lost all hope im looking for someone that feels the same. Im done with life I dont want help I just want someone like me. Im going insane and I have accepted that. I just feel lonely that I cant find someone that feels like me. PM
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know what to do with this i figured i needed to say it to someone even if that someone is no one [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
What's the hidden cause of your anxiety? My therapist says there's always a hidden (past or present) event or events causing someone's anxiety. For example, social anxiety might be caused by a bad interaction or a past trauma. Anxiety about failing, might be caused by a past failure, etc. Do you know what caused yours?
Edit: I'm not saying I believe my therapist, but from what I've heard, many people would agree their anxiety is triggered by the memory of a past trauma. Yes, I'm sure it can be genetic, but I wondered about the causes of anxiety for those who do have an experience of trauma.
|
self.Anxiety
|
What helps you? Hello,
Long story short, my boyfriend has severe depression and his episodes can last several weeks or months. Sometimes this translates into radio silence from him. I like to send him videos, texts, pictures to let him know how I'm doing and that I'm thinking of him. What helps you all when you're going through an episode? Do you like getting texts from people whether it be them just checking in or sending you something that reminded them of you? He says he doesn't mind getting texts from me. Feedback appreciated!
|
self.depression
|
I feel like poison I feel as if no one wants to be with me and those who do get driven away. It all started around this time last year.
My then girlfriend started “going to the movies” with another guy and, when I confronted her about it, she broke up with me saying I was clingy. The next day they were dating. I was head over heels for this girl and devastated. But two months later I began seeing another girl. After a few weeks she told me she couldn’t see me anymore because of her depression. I’ve never had depression so I won’t try to understand what she’s going through, but I’ll get back to her later.
The next month a friend of mine introduced me to a girl he knows. We talked a bit, hit it off, and set up a date for lunch. She stood me up.
Fast forward another month and I meet a really sweet girl who I felt a serious connection with. We talked and flirted a lot and when I asked her out, she said no. Because I’m white. She didn’t want to date me because she’s African-American and I’m white.
Back to the girl with depression from a few month prior; she asked me on a date and wanted to try things again. Midway through that dinner she said she couldn’t do it and asked to be driven home. This time I was really upset with her. I didn’t say anything and I was very cool about it, but still I was upset.
And this last girl I met at my gym and she wanted to go out for dinner. So we had that one date, which went very well, before she called me crying and saying she can’t have a boyfriend and that she’s sorry if she hurt me.
So, in conclusion, yeah I feel like poison. Just disappointment after disappointment, one after the other. This entire year has been such a toll on me and I don’t know what to do. I spend a lot of time in the gym, kayaking, and hiking to keep myself occupied but.. I don’t know what to do.
|
self.offmychest
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.