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I feel like I am in a loop that I cannot break [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Being transgender ruined my life I can’t fucking take it anymore. It seems like no matter what I do, nothing ever seems to get better. I feel like I just want to walk in front of a truck and be done with it. Knowing my luck, I’ll either be too scared to do it or I’ll survive somehow. I’ve been crying for almost the past two hours and I still can’t stop.
So some background. I’m almost 30 years old. I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve been living with my mother my whole life while my two older sisters moved out on their own. The oldest has a husband and three children. The older has a boyfriend and has worked across many jobs. For the most part, I had no jobs till I gotten a part time mail sorting job over a month ago. I mostly had nothing but free time to play video games for years and years on end. I’ve gotten very high grades in school, but that seems to mean jack shit. For some reason, people say I’m very smart, but that doesn’t seem to amount to anything either. I had a history of being bullied and being in “special” classes because the system didn’t know where to put me. I had to repeat 9th grade due to no fault of my own. By mid-11th grade I dropped out of school, did some home schooling, and later got my GED.
My dream was to be a game designer. I even went to online college for it. However I mostly learned theories and not actual development skills. Perhaps I could have been an indie developer. I was even working on a mobile game with a college classmate. I tried getting back into that once and it just fell through on my end. I brainstormed ideas for many years for my dream game. Depression ultimately ruined that dream.
The biggest issue I’m dealing with is being transgender. I knew since I was around 18. I’ve been to a lot of different therapists throughout my life. I’ve been on a lot of different meds, mostly anti-depression ones. I had very mixed experiences with therapists. One was way too rough on me, expecting me to do things like fill out eight job applications within a week. Another was an older gay man I’ve seen for over a year till one time when my mother was in the therapy session with me, he mentioned he didn’t think I was really transgender because I discovered it later instead of in early childhood. That shit pissed me off enough to never go see him again. I already did enough research that I know people can realize they’re transgender even in their 50s. In 2009, another therapist I had didn’t take me seriously at all when I told her I was transgender. Also around this time I was hospitalized. In what would become a very common theme of trying to “fix” me, the hospital staff at one point tried to get me to become friends with another staff member. They told me I may see him again and stuff. I never saw him again. I basically told the doctor to fuck off with trying to get me to make friends with that person.
Ultimately I feel there is nothing I can do to ever really feel like a woman. I don’t have the money for surgeries. I tried so hard last year to get insurance and help when it came to that, but ultimately it didn’t work out. The transgender community has failed to help me. For years going to different groups and stuff didn’t really pan out. I have very strict ideas on what it means to be a woman. I’m gotten so sick and tired of the clothes suggestion. No clothes doesn’t fucking help me, stop talking about them! Putting on a piece of fabric doesn’t suddenly undo the very wrong feelings of my body. It doesn’t make my penis a vagina. Even if I tuck, I would still know it’s there. Also clothes are temporary. Take off my clothes, wig, and makeup? I’ll look like a man. Strip a ciswoman naked? She’ll still look like a woman. No, I don’t believe my penis is “female” because I’m a transwoman. My body is still very male. If it wasn’t then there wouldn’t be any point to me in transitioning now would there? I fucking hate having a penis. I fucking hate my voice that sounds manly no matter how hard I try. No I don’t believe I have “internalized transphobia” just because I can’t pretend that my male body is female. I don’t understand why I can’t pass like all those people I see in transgender timelines online. Why couldn’t I have simply been born a lesbian or a straight man without gender dysphoria?
At best I can only be a transwoman, a different kind of woman, not a biological woman. No amount of surgery, even if I had the money, could change that. I’ve been on hormones for four years and I still look very manly except having small boobs which I end up hiding behind a sports bra because I can’t pass as female in public. Quite frankly, I fucking had enough with the transgender community I have encountered. I consider myside a classic liberal and I feel they are far too left and PC for me. I had spats with transwomen before for not living up to their very narrow ideas on what it means to be transgender. No, don’t even bother recommending me any transgender subs like r/asktransgender. After the shit I’ve seen them say about Blaire White, my favorite transgender YouTuber, I want nothing to do with them. Sure she isn’t perfect, but I feel she is correct in most of what she says. I feel so-called transgender “activists” just make things worse like claiming transwomen are biologically women or that biological sex doesn’t exist. They also try to guilt trap people like lesbians into having sex with pre-op transwomen. Sexuality is attraction to sex, not gender! Reality denial isn’t doing anyone any favors. People generally only tend to call transgender people their preferred pronouns out of respect or not knowing they’re transgender. Trying to force acceptance only backfires. Transphobia sucks I know.
I swear I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Being transgender means almost anyone even remotely on the right will hate me, but also anyone on the far left will hate me for not sharing their ideas on what it means to be transgender. Then there are all the amounts of transphobic out there by society as a whole like bills trying to restrict which restrooms transgender people can use.
Last year, I was hospitalized three times. It took me a long time to get a transgender therapist and she refused to help me. She claimed I “bullied” the doctor that gave me hormones into doing so. She follows a bullshit standard of wanting me to be emotional stable before signing off on further treatment. I fucking need these treatments to be more emotional stable! What a catch 22! I’m too far gone now to pull off a good lie. It’s like saying to give you the treatment for depression, you have to overcome depression first. What do they think I’ll do, get treatment, regret it, and somehow try to sue them?
I also tried to commit suicide twice last year. First time was at home with sleeping pills and a small plastic bag. Second time was buying a hunting knife and slitting my wrists. I ended up in the hospital for three weeks because of that. I absolutely hated it. I felt trapped. Why can’t I just fucking die already?! If you’re not going to help me transition then just kill me! Stop making me suffer by keeping me alive as a male. You don’t consider my life important enough to help change my body but you won’t let me end it all either.
I called the Trans Lifeline, a suicide hotline for transgender people several times last year. It didn’t really help at all. On New Year’s Day, I tried to commit suicide again. Once again I gotten sleeping pills and a small plastic bag. I did it out in a parking lot because my mother told me to not try to commit suicide again at home.
People suggest all kinds of things to get my mind off of things. It never works, ever. My mind is always on, always racing. I could be playing video games, sleeping, or working, and it’ll still be going. I tried different hobbies and that didn’t work. I tried talking to so many people and that didn’t work, not to mention I can’t really talk to most people about suicide.
So here I am now. I feel no one really understands my pain. The medical community has failed me. They won’t help me without me paying thousands of dollars which even with my part time job, would take eons to save up for. Every week I get worse and it becomes harder to work. 41% of transgender people tried to commit suicide compared to around 6% of the general public, yet that isn’t enough for the medical community to help me. How many transgender lives could have been saved if they paid for treatments the same way they paid to stitch up my wrists when I cut them? I feel there’s nothing left to live for. I tried and failed time and time again to help myself. I feel the only way to end the pain is to end my life. I can live with all the other bullshit in my life except being transgender. I’ve been crying the whole time I’ve typed this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Our Team Lead is getting on my nerves We’re having an office xmas party on the first week of December for the whole company, then another one (just our department) the next week. I was hesitant to come to the second one coz we have to pay for the damn thing (I don’t have a high position in this company as I’m fairly new) and it’s gonna be in some old restaurant I’ve eaten in whose food sucks. But I thought they’d think of me as someone who’s not a team player so I decided to go. Hey, it’s xmas so whatever. Then our TL decided to go schedule another one just for our team. So damn unecessary. And we have to pay for that one too. And he also wants us to have a secret santa thing on top of that. I’m sorry if I’m coming off cheap but I still have a lot of xmas presents to buy for the people that I care about. Plus, I think he’s being selfish coz he has just been promoted so that means higher pay for him. He used to decline going to these things before then.
I was honest and told him that we’re already paying for the second xmas party and a third part is unecessary so I’m going to skip it and that they can go without me. But now he’s resorted to messaging me everyday about it seeing if he can change my mind.
Jesus fucking Christ. Just stop.
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self.offmychest
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People that I love and respect constantly tell me that they see something in me that I don't see in myself. If I love and respect them so much, why don't I believe them?
I don't love or respect myself, yet I believe all the stupid shit my brain tells me.
This is the hardest thing for me to deal with. I know they are right but I don't believe them.
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self.Anxiety
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Debating on whether or not to go to a friend's church Christmas party. A friend of mine invited me to her church's Christmas party, I want to go to and even though she didn't give a time I found it on the church Facebook page. The page also recommend bringing a 5$ gift (for a white elephant game) which is cool but I'm worried that even if I come even with a gift I'll be seen as "invading" their group. I know this is probably irrational but I'd appreciate any thoughts/advice.
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self.Anxiety
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How to tolerate current situation?? Throwaway for reasons. When I was a young kid I lived with a narc dad who would often scream and call my sister and I narcs, lazy, etc. Luckily I live with my mom now but my stepmom (my mom's wife) screams a lot as well at her children (my stepsiblings), my mom, and sometimes me over relatively trivial things (like leaving shampoo bottles in the shower). We suspect she might have BPD.
It might seem like I'm a sensitive snowflake, but the yelling and screaming triggers my anxiety a lot, even if she is not yelling at me. That being said, I feel guilty blocking out the yelling because I feel protective of my mother and brother, so I always listen. Putting on headphones and going into my happy place does not seem like an option. I go to college in August, but how do I manage in the meantime? Currently, I mostly hang out in my room like a hermit when I am not at school/work and have been taking up more hours at work to avoid my family and the house. I love my mom and my stepbrother but my stepmom is sometimes toxic. I hate having panic attacks and constantly listening for yelling...
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self.Anxiety
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"Why do you shut people out?" Because they're easier to deal with that way...
People will treat each other like shit and have NO remorse for a single thing they said...its absolutely disgusting. and they'll look at you like you're stupid when you isolate yourself...
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self.depression
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I truly believe no one would actually care if I was gone I really genuinely believe this.
Maybe for a week, give or take. Then everyone would just go back to their lives. Honestly. No one would actually give a fucking shit if I just vanished.
I’m the least favourite, no ones friend, the loner, the stranger. No one would care.
I’d just be gone.
And no one would know. Or care.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Exercise makes my body look good but im still depressed [deleted]
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self.depression
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Any depression hotline I can call for free? I know this question doesn't really fit the group but I don't know where else to ask. I've always felt disconnected and empty from the world. I had been doing better though. I started college and had a sense of purpose. However my mom who is the most important person in the world to me broke down recently. She screamed and cried so hard about how she wanted to die. She's said she's experienced zero joy this year and has no one. I'm completely broken. I feel as though I've complete failed as a person. My mother is the only person I have in my life. The only person I'm living for is my mother. And she wants to take her life from me. I cry myself to sleep every night. I need someone to help me. Is there any depression hotline that I can call for free? I really can't afford it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Off my meds for 2 days now and my anxiety has been exhausting...I feel like I'm going to die and it's suffocating
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self.Anxiety
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What has been your experience with people saying "if you just do x, you will feel better"? I have had several, but perhaps the most irritating and insulting is "you wouldn't need medication if you just prayed/trusted God/had more faith" from my father is law. As a person of faith, what an insult and a blatant misunderstanding.
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self.bipolar
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New to zoloft- side effects? Long story short, beginning of last year I finally went to seek help for my anxiety and depression. I tried two different meds before my insurance got cut and I've been off meds since around April of last year. I finally made myself call and make an appointment with my new insurance and I've been on 50mg of Zoloft for 5 days. The last couple days, I have had a difficult time sleeping and I felt really nauseous on Saturday and have had headaches on and off, as well as just feeling like there's just pressure in my head. I decided to try taking my meds at night to see if my sleep would get better only to find myself exhausted during the middle of the day.
Anyone else experience these side effects? Did they subside after a few weeks? Is there a specific time of day you've found works best for taking them?
I'm deciding to tough it out and to see if I start feeling better over the next few weeks, and if not, I'll give my doctor a call.
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self.Anxiety
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I don't want to lose my online friends A few months ago, I bought Splatoon 2 for the Nintendo Switch. It was brilliant fun, but I don't have many friends who own a switch, so I decided to get involved with Splatoon-related communities on Reddit to see if I could meet some people to play with. Luckily, I met some really cool people and have spent the last few months playing the game with them and chatting to them on Discord. It's been really great having people who want to listen to you and talk about things that you share an interest in.
I have been really enjoying spending time with these people, however, as of late, we have been talking less and less and a fear has set in that my online friends may not care about me as much as I care about them. I worry that I may be growing overly attached to them or that I don't matter as much to them as I thought I did. It's made me feel a lot more anxious about asking them to play or just engaging in conversations with them in general. I'm worried that it's only a matter of time before I'm deleted or forgotten by them and the thought of that deeply saddens me.
What should I do? Should I try to talk about it to them? Should I try to move on? I just want things to go back to how they were when we first met.
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self.Anxiety
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I hate my job, but I don't feel like I can quit. I feel like I kind of screwed myself over. Went to a private college, got my bachelors, but accrued $160k in student loan debt. I'm thankful that I'm able to live at home, and mom and dad cover me most times, but April 2016 I got a full-time job at the local movie theater. It pays around $16/hr so it allows me to make my loan payments on time. I thought it was fine at first, but more recently it's just been incredibly stressful. Its gotten to the point where I sometimes just want to quit on the spot. Unfortunately my $2k/Month loan payment stops me from doing this. I'm balancing 3 jobs essentially and then my manager and her supervisor are causing me undue stress by one being aloof and uncaring and the other being a micromanager, even though she is never there. How do I get into these situations? I just want to make movies. It's a different kind of stress. One I can handle. This is getting too much.
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self.offmychest
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How do you deal with guilt? Recently diagnosed as bipolar 2, my doctor and I have been discussing coping strategies. I know the depression is imminent as I start to feel very guilty about past and current decisions. How do you guys lessen the guilt? Hoping to find ways to lessen the severity of my depression before making decisions about medication.
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self.bipolar
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feeling ungrateful A mental health talker came to my school a while ago. He cut off his legs as they were useless to walk on and got bullied for it when he was a student. He didn't suicide because his brother wanted to help him do it and he realised the impact on his brother and family.
I have an average life. Married parents, siblings, school. Our relationship is a bit rough but I guess somehow they do care for me. I tried improving my life. Doing hobbies, cleaning, studying but it all seems so pointless. School, job, marrying, kids, retirement- I don't want this :(
I won't come to a revelation suddenly like what suicide survivor stories or mothers who have their newborn baby, and be cured. Depression comes back to you.
Yes I'm young but I know life gets even worse when you hit thirty. I don't know anyone genuinely happy at this age and over. There are more bad things over good things. I want out of this, I don't want anybody to remember me after my death. Yes I feel guilt but I'd rather take my own life than to slowly waste away.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I dont know anymore, just relying on self harm I've had enough of this world. I'm ready to die. I've planned my suicide and have almost done it, but people keep me alive so I rely on self harm.
I get abused both verbally, mentally, and physically and I've had enough of this hell. I'm constantly called a waste of sperm, a waste of money, time, space, and a waste of life in general By everyone in my family. It all hits hard on me because I got to my breaking point, and got depression. Ive tried running away. Didn't help me. I've wanted therapy for a while, and I can't afford it. I wanna die so bad already. I tell people I want to die and they just say I'll go straight to hell where I won't matter any more than I already do.
I've prayed for help out of this never ending loop, and it puts me deeper into it. I can't handle any of it any more.
Please help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's time for you to grow up. I no longer feel bad for you. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Such. A. Bad. Week. How can I move on? Such a terrible anxiety week for me. Just completely miserable most of the time. Nothing of importance or anything terrible happened to me, just me and my anxiety blowing things way out of proportion. Usually if I have a bad anxiety episode, it will only last like a day or two, but this particular instance is lingering on and I can't seem to shake it. Any advice or tips for getting past this? I think just the start of a new week (Monday) will help, but I'm afraid I will still be anxious. One time a few years back I had anxiety for like 2 months straight and it was the worst time of my life.
I'm so bad at reacting to and dealing with anxiety. What will I do when something ACTUALLY bad and substantial happens?
Thanks so much for the support, this sub has been great.
**edit:** 21 hours later, feeling a lot better finally. So relieving :). I always know my anxiety will pass, it's just going through it that is hell. That was a doozy, but now I'm finally getting back on the right track. If you are reading this in a state of anxiousness, then know that you will get through it as well.
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self.Anxiety
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What are some sites like this to discuss suicidal ideologies? [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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i want my life to get so much better its happening but no where near as fast it it should be! i met a wonderful girl only to find out she sees me as a good friend because she has depression to as well as im trying to pay off debt so i can go back to college and live the live i want tolive i was 30k in debt 4 years ago i got 3 left and last month i had to get hospitliased due to dehydration and costed me 2k in medical bills which almost doublted what i have left! i have 700 in checking 100 in cash and 900 in savings i know that seems like why worry! but i want it paid off now so i can start college soon and move out of the usa or into a exstremely liberal state where my personality will be accepted except living in the fucking south where its god and country ! im so stressed i couldnt enjoy my day off because my anxiety is at 10 right now i gotta take my meds and maybe i can sleep and forget mu problems for alittle while!
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self.depression
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I feel like I’ve already sabotaged my own dreams and there’s no point in living out the rest of my pathetic life. Hey there. I’m 22. I’m married. I have had depression and anxiety since I was 14. Every November it gets almost unbearable as it’s the anniversary of my first suicide attempt when I was 15. I’ve let depression run my life and I’ve lived in fear. I’ve blown my aspirations and dreams (don’t really want to go into specifics, but there isn’t really anyway around it). I don’t feel like there is any other reason left for me to be alive. I’m sick of playing the game and faking it. I literally hope I get killed in a car wreck every time I drive anywhere. The only reason I don’t act on it is because I know my husband would blame himself and I love him way too much to leave him with that burden. My future is pretty much what I never wanted for myself. I’ve had counseling. I’ve been on meds. It all just makes me feel numb and dead. Sometimes I like the pain better.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I fucked up I left my hash in my apron at work. I didn't mean to take it in. I certainly didn't use it while I was there.
My routine was completely turned upside down after the holidays with a family member needing me to stay with them after be several hospital visits.
Took my apron home to wash it. Took my hash with me because it's rude to leave it in someone else's house. Apron is now at work with hash inside. My name is on the apron. Nobody will probably fuck with it, but I am bipolar so I can't let it go. All consuming.
Looks like I will be making an akward trip to work first thing in the morning.
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self.bipolar
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Told my family that I wanted to die when I got super drunk with them. Basically I feel like crap for doing this but I was really drunk when it happened. I don't think I meant it but I was going through a huge wave of depression when it happened. Really regret saying this because I know I don't want to but I've changed as a person and I don't like myself as much as I used to. I've lost all self confidence, stopped playing sports, rarely play video games, and I'm depressed at least half of the day. Wish this was all a dream.
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self.depression
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Its 6am and I think I'm going to overdose on my Ablify Hopefully it works. I'm only prescribed 2mg, luckily I was saving up for no reason. Hopefully 110mg will be fatal. Good morning.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Not attempting, just thinking... Hi there. 18M from UK here, simply put I've failed college 3 times now, tried applying for apprentiships, no luck though, mostly cause of my GCSE results which were barely average.
Worst part is my parents still think that I'm still in college and have been faking it since I left for the third time now in January 2018.
Never was very social at all, almost complete introvert and the few friends I had left either moved on, stopped communicating or both. Went out with two girls once but that's as far as I got in any serious relationships lol. Still have FB but don't use it at all really and only really keep the account open because of all the pics on the account that aren't stored anywhere else.
Now it's getting close to the end of the college year and the closer it gets, the more my parents will start to figure that I've been lying for well over 6 months.
I mostly just try to occupy myself, mostly with video games but it sometimes feels like the walls are actually closing in, mostly get these feelings at night when I don't have anything else to think about but this topic.
Two sides of me tell two different stories.
One side says that I'm an 18 year old virgin with a tiny dick who failed his exams because of his addiction to video games and fear of failure. That when my parents find out they will kick me out then I won't be able to end it at all. That I'm either spending the rest of my days stacking shelves somewhere or just ending it right now.
The other side is telling me not to do it because of the pain, not to myself but to everyone around me, my dad is close to retirement and I'm probably the most important person he cares about and there's a risk that he might try and join me on the other side of the fence. My mum lives alone and will be equally crushed. My cousins will blame themselves, my friends will feel guilty. My parents were amazing and gave me much more than I deserve yet they will blame themselves and call themselves bad parents. If I'm not mistaken this kind of pain is also the reason that other people don't do it, that in the end you will be hurting other people no matter what.
Thought about different methods of how I would go. I settled for Carbon Monoxide poisoning as the most painless but not necessarily quickest way to go. Worst outcome would be the exit failing and ending up with brain damage of some kind. I don't exactly prefer ekeing out an existance with the intelligence of an apple.
I'm just rambling at this point and posting on reddit to make other people give me sympathy and to make myself feel better.
Suicide is often seen as experiancing so much emotional pain that you can't take it anymore, for me it just seems like reasoning a pros and cons of a decision, just asking whats the point of this? At all?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I cheated on my girlfriend moments ago and I feel like dying As I type this, I'm shaking with anxiety.
I've been with a girl who I've always considered the love of my life. I feel like I'm wrong because I now realize I am incapable of truly loving anyone. I am a bad person, and all I'm going to do is hurt anyone I get close to.
I have been seeing my girlfriend for nearly two years. Things have been rougher lately and I feel like I've been disconnecting and going into a bad place. She's been nothing but caring to me, and her family treats me like another son and I know I've just ruined all of that. I have never cared for someone in my life as much as I have cared for her, yet I've hurt everyone I truly care about in my life and she's only going to be the next.
I have a coworker who I never even really considered. She's new to where I've been working for 5+ years. She's had a rough life and I've tried to be a friend, but everything happened so fast...
I went to a local jam with a friend of mine, and afterwards two different coworkers invited me over. I only stayed for about an hour, they brought out cocaine (which I used, albeit for the first time in months) and drank more than I usually do by far.
I left, went back to my house and sat down for a while but my mind was racing. My coworker (who's house is walking distance) invited me over to smoke some weed. I knew her boyfriend was out of town, but I didn't even consider the possibilites. I was fucked up reddit, I have a problem that I thought I had under control but I now realise I have absolutely no control over my habits.
We smoked, and looked at stars and talked for a while longer than I had realized. She got closer and we ended up kissing and getting handsy. I did not have sex with her, but I don't feel any less guilty about it.
I didn't like it. It felt wrong the entire time. I knew what I was doing but I felt like I was in too deep. I wasn't even turned on. I just wanted it to be over. I told her I didn't want to have sex and left shortly after a cigarette.
It's not alright. I am freaking the fuck out. I feel like killing myself. I know the truth will come out, and I need to address it tomorrow. I sent her a text saying we cannot do this anymore and haven't heard back. I know this is going to go south. I know I've completely fucked over the trust of the woman I love. I feel disgusting, deceitful, and completely undignified. I want to vomit.
I feel like the only option is to tell her what happened. I could try and hide it but it would fucking consume me. I know it's ruined one way or another. I just don't want to hurt her any more than I'm already going to. This is the only time I've felt connected deeply to someone and their family has treated me like a human being and I do not deserve it. I've blown it for a one night fucking mistake.
I'll wake up tomorrow and read any replies and figure out how to go forward from here. My grammar is awful, but I needed to get this out of me. It's eating at me.
I've felt suicidal before but tonight I just feel like I can't deal with the remorse. I hate myself for what I did and I hate myself for the pain it's going to cause.
Thank you for taking the time to read that, I really need someone to set me straight.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Latuda nausea I've been taking Latuda for a few months and had a little bit of nausea here and there but the last couple of days it's really begun to upset my tummy. I had to take an odansetron tonight to stop myself throwing up and even then I still feel quite ill.
I know this is a pretty common side effect, I was just wondering if anyone has any tips? It has to be taken with 350 calories, is there any food I could take it with that would lessen the nausea?
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self.bipolar
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Just checked into hospital. Wish me luck. Edit: Looks like I'm going to stay for a while. Still, feeling better already.
Edit 2: I just got out and am doing well. Thanks for your concern everyone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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ISP'S and Health Ins companies are screwing us over in America. I feel helpless. Reading about the distance communities have between one another and the monopoly the companies have on them to charge outlandish amounts for such low speeds if making me ignite!! I cannot believe healthcare costs so much and so many companies are allowed to keep you as contract pay or hourly pay with no benefits. What are we supposed to do? There are so many ways we could go right now... the govt could bail out student loans like they did the banks. Why did the govt even have to initiate the cash for clunkers program back in 2008? Now there are no old cars left to keep up with frugality.
I am
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self.offmychest
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Guy with lazy shopping-addict wife keeps subtly accusing me of being a gold-digger. Husband's friend "Larry" is extremely wealthy. Larry and "Julie" have a child who is in daycare. They won't have any more children.
My husband is also quite wealthy. Larry is understandably protective about him marrying someone penniless, like me. To be fair to Larry, my husband was financially screwed over by a woman previously.
Anyway my husband and I have a young child (under one year old). I have precisely ZERO family support (everyone is dead). My husband, also, has precisely ZERO family support as everyone is either dead or lives in a faraway overseas country, or simply doesn't give two shits about us and our child.
Larry and Julie have ALL of their parents still alive, and hence there are 4 grandparents who regularly babysit their child. They also have other family who help out sometimes too. Julie is nevertheless a full-time "stay at home mom" (translation: she spends all day shopping while others look after her kid).
Larry keeps asking me when I'm going back to work full-time. He already knows exactly when and what my plan is for going back to work full-time. But it's like he thinks I'm just going to bum around home doing nothing, just like Julie. By the way, he doesn't seem to think that Julie is lazy. (She is EXTREMELY lazy.) In addition, I'm also working from home (very part-time hours, but trying my best). Just to be clear, I work part-time while being a full-time SAHM with exactly zero family support. And I don't do it because we need the money. I do it because I have a good work ethic, I don't want a huge gap in my CV, and I like to be busy.
My husband and I have been on one 2 hour date since our child was born and that's it. Every other moment of our child's life has been while in my care, or sometimes my husband looks after the baby by himself so that I can get things done. So I really fucking resent being subtly accused of being lazy, when Julie is the one who's lazy and not me. I wish that I could lay it out for them so that they could see how ridiculous they're being, but I think that they're genuinely stuck in the mindset that I'm a gold-digger.
Meanwhile, I think they're doing a terrible job of raising their own child. They are teaching their child to be spoilt. Their child has not even been toilet trained yet! They let their child decide everything instead of laying down rules and boundaries (e.g. asking the child if the child wants to eat cake for dinner. What kid would say no?) And worst of all, in my opinion, is that they're passionate anti-vaxxers. They openly admit that there's no fucking science to it, it's just a "gut feeling that I know what's best for my child" (like cake for dinner?), and that the "government" is somehow "trying to kill us with needles and toxic substances."
I hate having to hold my tongue.
Oh, and one more thing I have to get off my chest about them: their kid caused a scene at my wedding. They came up to me afterwards, I assumed to apologize. Nope. They instead gushed about how cute it was! What the fuck?!?!?!
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self.offmychest
|
Heart anxiety Hello,
Im gonna be honest right off the bat, Im a big hipochondriac (since I was child) and I have OCD. I dont think there has been a single day of my life without some kind of annoying tick. lastly I have heart anxiety. I keep thinking that I will get heart attack since last night
I woke up at 3am because of a bad dream and went to toilet, I came back and got palpitation that lasted for an hour. It finally went away when I walked around and bent forward in an instant.
I dont have trouble breathing, I go running and I was even running today, hell one of my best runes so far. But I keep thinking about how something is wrong and I will die. Also because I have been a potato for years and my chest muscles are non existant almost and my ribs are a little bent inward cos of it. After I started to think about this I started to feel slight chest discomfort. Not pain just kinda discomfort especially when I sit up/stand super straight.
Im scared and I dont know anymore what is anxiety and what is a real problem.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I don’t want to be remembered. I was catching up on podcasts on a walk (trying to stay active) and there was a thing Myke said on Cortex that resonated with me.
The topic was the book ‘Seven Habits of Highly Successful People’ and how one of the things that stuck with Myke was a habit about writing up mission statements, in particular about how he’d want to be remembered. It hit me that a lot of what I do habitually (not keeping in touch with people, acting withdrawn) is me pushing away in the hope that I won’t be remembered, and won’t have to worry about that connection anymore.
I was alone the latter half of last week because of sick days and by Saturday it had really drained me. I cried for a solid hour because I’d done something trivially stupid that mildly inconvenienced my girlfriend, so that led to anxiety about telling her, which led to anger about my anxiety, which led to a sobbing mess in my room. I got over the tears pretty quickly when I text her and she all but blew it off, but it sticks in my mind that in the long term, she’d be better off without me, just like the rest.
I know it’s a blip, not helped by being ill (I’ve a bitch of a heavy cold dragging me down for a while, ended up being home sick from Wednesday morning after getting a fever). I also know I stared over the edge of the nearby bridge the other day, and discovered one my big barriers to cutting myself (cannot stand pain) doesn’t really hold up after slicing into my thumb whilst cooking and not really feeling it.
I don’t know anymore. I don’t think I’ve known for a while, I just wouldn’t let myself believe it.
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self.depression
|
Worries about my ma My ma has changed
I used to go to her for life problems but today her advice was I have to bottle up my negative feelings about the world & lock them away and that anger is an useless emotion that only upsets me
Im worried because she was severly depressed and this sounds so fake like the therapy didnt help at all but if she thinks shes happy do i have the right to rip up her current stability (she was on strong meds that made her sick and admitted her therapist wasnt effective I dont want her to go through that again)
But I hear about the anger one all the time from other people and I swear it bullshit but she may be right
Even then she didnt tell me how to move past my anger which she should of if shes over it since she used to be angery alot
Do you guys think im overreacting or is there anyway you think i can help her
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self.depression
|
PTSD, OCD, and more I have PTSD, OCD, and other illnesses. It's hard to get a prescription for benzos for my anxiety, unfortunately, so I resort to heavy drinking to calm my anxiety down for a little while. I feel like I bother everybody. I have flashbacks every single day, and have fears of abandonment because of my childhood issues. My significant other is just busy with work, so I feel bad when I bother him with my problems. I don't see my psychiatrist until February, and even then, I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Everything hurts.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Suicidal thoughts coming back after not having them for 3 years. Just today.
Suddenly feeling utterly hopeless. I haven't fantasised about dying since the short time I did 3 years ago.
I feel no interest in doing anything else since Sunday... not schoolwork, continuing to look for a job, gaming, reading, watching movies or anything today. I have written a haiku but that is all I have done this morning. I like their syllable structure and it's easy to work with. I have started trying writing poetry a little bit just this weekend as oddly enough I am interested in that.
I have been fantasising about dying since yesterday. I guess because I feel like I already am dead. I can't tell anyone or more therapist because they'll probably lock me up in a hospital or something and that is neither pleasant for me, plus it would inconvenience everyone else.
Since playing this stupid horror game for a little bit today that a friend has recommended, the fantasies have gotten a bit more intense. I am not going to actually do it but it is weird to me that usually my depression manifests itself as only apathy with hopelessness. Now I feel pure despair and almost a self indulgent desire to pass away and not have to fight anymore.
I just really, really want to give up. I have a great family, great educational opportunities, decent health and a family that help me through so much of my stupid shit. I am a useless sack of shit that i can't take advantage of all the things I have going for me. I think literally everyone would be better off not having me around. I feel like such a burden to everyone yet they don't want me to relieve them of that burden (me) and me of my burden (having to keeo fighting myself) and it feels bad. I have not felt such a strong emotion as this despair in a long time now.
Sorry for rant just needed to get this out somehow
|
self.depression
|
16, dont know if living is worth it at my state I have been here on this shit hole of an earth for just about 17 years, met people who are just as shitty, did shitty things to me, i fucked up at many things that led me to here. Whats led me here? ....Lets just say curiosity killed the cat or... in this case, killed me. I'm not the most sane person i loose my mind easly i dont show it though. Im different from everyone i go to school with like, im a skater guy who dresses normal, blonde hair, kinda shy very kind no piercing or tats YET, but i absolutely love emo scene and goth girls alot, something about them attract me, i guess we like metal or as others like me call it screamo, and the fashion, they're different from every starbucks loving hoes you see. Many things i wished to do in life is, be a rapper, along the lines of omenxiii lil peep and xxxtentacion. Be in my own band, save children from pedos, i have been to the dark web and back, seen people on the dark web bragging about rapeing and kidnapping kids and laughing about how scared the parents must be. The sick fucks then posted pictures on the board of the kid crying or being hurt. If i ever meet a pedo i swear on my moms life i will murder them without questions. Fucking cunts ill make them suffer, cry and bage for mercy as i film it, abit dark i know lol i really hate pedos. Thats what led me here seeing that. i was so disturbed i kept scrolling down the page, i was in tears, these fucks posted alot of picture, i kept going back out of curiosity of whats they posted next, every time i cry, this was about 3 months ago and haven't went back, it still haunts me every fucking day. Next i want to have a girlfriend i dont know why no girl wants me, im loving, will die for her. Im not ugly '' im cute'' every hoe says about me but do they want to date me, NO but they all go and date some duchebage who beats her or cheats on her. But hey since i'd never do any of that im single. Theres a girl i REALLY would like to chill with she isn't in any of my classes or i dont know her. Can you guess? Shes goth seen her in the hallways, she probably has a boyfriend. Hhhh maybe im over reacting about killing myself tomorrow night, maybe if i have some weed or a cigarette ill be able to focus.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm sorry, I relapsed. Why is this happening again? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Who wants to be friends with a crazy person? No one. I don't blame them. I don't think I've ever really had a firm grip on my mental health. Along with focus and concentration issues. I just can't be around people when I feel like I'm losing my mind.
We've done tests and I've done lifestyle changes. Nothing's helped so far. I guess we just keep poking and digging.
I'm 27 and I've done nothing with my life because I'm exhausted all the time.
I wish I knew what the trigger was so I could avoid it and have energy to do what I want to instead of spending every waking moment wanting to sleep.
I had a moment of weakness and told my psychiatrist I was drinking and she refuses to prescribe me something to help me sleep for my anxiety. I was an idiot and my easy way was out.
Maybe I'll break my wrist or ankle for some pain meds. I can't fake pain worth shit, so I'd actually have to do it. That'd make a nice cocktail with alcohol.
Getting a gun is out, I have a mental health record obviously.
Maybe I'll hang myself in the woods by the campus over break so there's less risk of being found.
I don't know. I'm too much of a chickenshit to do anything.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm sick and tired on having to repeat myself 2 times for everything I can't stand it anymore. Whatever I do, it mounds up with "things to do". I literally have 1452 things to do. That many. Pay the bills, call this person, plan this, plan that, fix the leaking tap, fix my phones cracked screen, fix the broken engine on my car, fix the tiles, take the dog to the clinic. OH MY FUCKING GOD STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP. I actually just want to pause life for a fucking second but no, because whenever I do something, some motherfucker calls me and then i get 50 text messages and 100 emails throughout the day nah fuck this shit I'm out. I am so fucking done. I am done. There is not fucking person to rant to this cause they'll say "that's life". You fucking cunt I'll stomp your fucking head in the curb. I'm fucking over this shit! FUCK THIS SHIT!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Felt as if part of my body was shrinking the night prior. Tingled. Never felt anything of this sort beofre. Out of the blue anxiety attack I had this happen real late in the night. Not very fun at all.
This was accompanied by the standard anxiety feeling of impending doom
Anyone got an answer for what this was?
EDIT: Oops. The question I should've asked is "has anyone else experienced something similar?"
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m killing my self over a mistake and I personally hate making mistakes [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Why is death such a bad thing People only want me to not die because they're selfish fucks who don't want to deal with all the stuff that would happen if I did.
As a society we see death as the literal worst thing that can happen to a person. I guess because in general people don't want to die. But what's the problem if they do? Why is everyone so against it?
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else feel constantly hypo on Latuda? I'm on 60mg of Latuda and have been for a few months now. It really helps my depression; the only times I ever get depressed are right before my period, which has always been a horrible time for me full of mixed episodes, mild psychosis, and just non-stop suicidal thoughts. That's not happening so much anymore on the Latuda but I have noticed that I feel hypomanic about 95% of the time now. If my 0-10 mood unmedicated was a 2 or 3, I am now an 8. That's not a happiness scale, that's an energy/restlessness scale. I just feel up all the time now and sometimes will even start to feel a little manic.
Klonopin helps. I've noticed if I take 0.5 mg late in the morning I will go down to maybe a 6, feel less restless and be able to focus a little bit more on work. Those are the only 2 meds I'm on.
Has anyone else experienced the constant hypo with Latuda and what are you on to combat that? My dr tried topamax on me and that shit was horrible. I was thinking of trying Lamictal, but I'm also afraid to add anything more because the klonopin in low doses does seem to work for me and bring me down a little.
|
self.bipolar
|
It’s so sad and depressing when I see an old picture of me happy. I see a picture and realize how I was so happy and full of life, that’s when I realize how depressed I am.
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self.depression
|
Is it okay if I don't leave a note? Today is the day I finally end it. However I can't bring myself to write a note or anything. I just don't know what to say. Part of me is still scared, even though I want it to happen.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What’s the cost of going inpatient? I think I need to go inpatient but I’m scared of the costs. I have great insurance but I can’t afford thousands of dollars of bills.
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self.bipolar
|
Should I tell my therapist I'm planning on killing myself .-. I've been the hospital twice in the past 5 months, and I really don't want to go back but I guess I also don't want to die. I'm just really afraid of being labeled as someone who seeks attention. I tend to hide my thoughts because I have them so frequently. How do I tell if I'm serious or not - because I keep trying to kill myself but I don't tend to get very far
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self.depression
|
Someone Tell me this gets better (zoloft) I’m on day 8 of 25 mg. My sleep is mostly undisturbed. No digestive side effects. But I am SO jittery. I feel like I have so much nervous energy. My heart pounds more easily than usual, but my heart rate and blood pressure are normal. I don’t know if I can keep going. I have Ativan which I took today for the first time since being on the Zoloft. My doc and I have a follow up on 12/27. Anyone have success after feeling this way at first?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Friendless Seeking Friends Hey everyone.
So its been a long time since I frequented this sub, and looking back it was while I was really unstable and had huge weight issues.
Now I have a stranger problem, but one people here can help with better. I really struggle making friends and connecting because almost everyone rejects my disorder. I struggle to feel comfort if people don’t accept it once I’ve confessed, and therefore I don’t make friends well.
I have three friends, my boyfriend, my best friend from HS, and a friend from college. Two of them live 3,000 miles away and are super busy, as their both in their last year of college.
So, however cheesy, anyone want to make a bipolar reddit friend? I like writing messages and emails. I’m a little funny. A great writer. I adore video games, books, and movies. I am in my mid-twenties and just need more people in my life who just accept this huge part of me.
Anyone, feel free to message me or comment below about your struggles with friendships. I’m all ears. Sometimes just even feeling less alone in loneliness helps a lot, too.
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self.bipolar
|
Recently Diagnosed I recently diagnosed with BipolarII & PTSD.. The PTSD I know when/how it got to that point.. but the Bipolar.. have I always been that way and never noticed? Thinking back I can't really pinpoint when I started acting this way because it seems like it was always normal?
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self.bipolar
|
Severe anxiety over the way I look, believe its the source of all my problems [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Was getting better, dad started swearing again loudly, my ears started ringing, just had a panic attack --- can his voice be a trigger??? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Today was overwhelming and I am finding peace in a weird place [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Well There are these days when you really can't get out of bed. Then days when you just feel so alone, like how a thought pops in your head like "Oh do you believe that the fire in the news was stage" then remember that, oh you don't have anyone to share your thoughts with.
Or just those days when you feel so alone and you try to open up but instead of letting you, people focus more on defending themselves and insisting that "No we're always here for you and we're not leaving you " but you never feel it.
Some days you're just tired of seeing the worst in everything. Im tired of being mad at all the unseen messages and unreciprocated efforts. Some days you're just mad that "how come I get to be there for you but I really need someone right now but where are you"
Those days that you just get so tired of being left behind, but there's the guilt creeping in that "I think I'm the toxic one. It is my fault for sounding so demanding and dependent." I feel toxic sometimes. Or maybe I deserve what Im feeling right now
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else just wish there wouldn't be any long term consequences of having no friends so that you could just give up trying to maintain social ties? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I miss you, even though I wouldn't talk to you again. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else find modern society repressive? Violence, guns, explosions, reckless driving are all things that people tend to look down upon. We've made society as safe as possible but also as dull as possible
I feel like I have nowhere to let off steam and just have fun
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self.depression
|
Is there any hope for me if there's a HUGE gap in my resume? So my depression started my first year of college. I spent two years there until I dropped out, one year trying to look for any kind of job (unemployment in my country is crazy high), then started other studies I ended up dropping out of too. So right now my resume has a 5 year gap that will probably get even bigger as I have no studies after my bachellor (not sure if this is how you call it in english. It's something you can do after highschool but isn't very specific).
I feel like there's no way I'll ever find a job, and I don't even know what I could work as.
That said I think I'd make a pretty good worker. I spent a month working at a relative's pharmacy and everyone said I did a great good job. This job was supposed to last a month I was not fired. I worked very hard to learn everything as quickly as possible even in my free time. Always got there on time and well groomed. All this while being pretty depressed which is why I think I'd do well after therapy. I'm willing to move anywhere that has spanish or english as it's main language.
The thing is I don't see the point in recovering if I have no future ahead of me.
Do you think I could get hired? How could I justify such a huge gap? Are there organizations that help people in my situation join the workforce? There's something like that in my country for victims of abuse, which is what got me here, but I don't want to denounce my abuser unless it's literally my only way of getting emloyed.
Also if there's any sub I could x-post this to please let me know.
I'm really trying to get out of this.
TLDR: 5 years gap in resume, never worked longer than a month, no studies. Don't know if there's a way I could land a job. Ready to work hard for it if there's a chance.
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self.depression
|
Thoughts on medication wearing off? I've been taking Lamictal since summer of 2015, and for the first time have felt great. However, earlier this year, I experienced a series of mixed episodes and have not felt the same since. I feel like my medicine is no longer working. I feel depressed more times than not. My doctor wants to give me more and different types to stabilize my mood, but I don't want more. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Have your meds worn off, and if so, what did you do about it?
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self.bipolar
|
Must Drink Again. "Must Drink Again."
That was the last text I ever got from him before he died days later. My beautiful, brilliant, one of a kind best friend and soul mate left the world and I didn't even know he was really sick. Of course he told me, and I knew he had HIV, but he was always "sick" as a side effect of the recreational drugs he did. So when he told me two weeks before he died that he wasn't feeling well, I wrote it off to his consumption of pain pills and cough syrup.
He wasn't perfect, I'd often hate him as much as loved him. I hated him for throwing away what could have been a wonderful life; he really was astounding and intelligent, charismatic and hilarious, creative and adventurous. We had so many plans. He was the one I'd tell my biggest fuck ups to and the little weird things that happened to me throughout the day. We'd debate life and death and love and loss. We'd finish each other's sentences, argue with each other's moms, and hate each other's boyfriends because no one was good enough for our best friend. We grew up together since we met in middle school, we had an instant bond. I've never had anything like that with anyone else. It was never romantic, aside from me crushing on him at 15 before he came out, but I swear he was my soul mate.
And yet, he was hospitalized for days before he died. Days passed and he didn't tell me he was in the hospital, that he was scared, that he was dying. Days where he was alone in that room, I spent working, fucking and fighting with my boyfriend, and refusing to text him because of that last text he sent. I don't even remember the context of his text, just that I was furious because of everything he'd already ruined for himself with drugs and alcohol. So I thought I'd show him by not dignifying that with a response. And then I got the call and my whole world collapsed.
How could I not have known? I ignored the call the first time because I was at work and didn't think it was important.
It's been almost three years and I still can't believe it. I feel like it's a sick joke he's playing and he'll just pop up out of nowhere someday, expecting to be forgiven because he could get away with anything.
I saw his body in the casket, all waxy and polished and unnaturally beautiful. I went to his house and sat with his mom, I helped his sisters make the slide show for the funeral. I went through his room at his mom's request and took back books I'd let him borrow and some of his favorites. Why do I still feel like he has to come back?
I was saving his messages in my phone. I rarely read them. They were too painful for me to read, it was too much to see how many times I ignored him. But I wanted them because he was so good with words and it made me feel like I could hear him again. And because I'm an idiot and never backed any of it up, when my phone crashed on me, I lost all of it. I lost all I had left of him and all I can remember is "Must drink again."
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self.offmychest
|
I'm finished (21/M) One time my girlfriend of two years (first love etc) blindsided me and broke it off so then I walked to the train station by my house with the intention of throwing myself in front of the train but it was late and the trains weren't running. I had just turned 20 then. I'm almost 22 now. I wish I could have died then.
I've alienated most of my friends by this point and my parents care about me but I don't care about them or anyone else. I used to be real hateful towards myself but that's not even the problem anymore. I just feel bad for us all I'm so sad all the time I barely notice it anymore, my natural state is just like a calm and stable misery. I don't have emotional highs and lows like I used to. If I end up killing myself it's going to be carefully planned and calculated and premeditated. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything a bunch of different times. Counseling, drugs, love, art, mindfulness, anything you could name. I used to want to write books and find the love of my life and make my family proud but I could have all the friends and women and social status in the world and it wouldn't change a thing because I'd still be the same miserable person in the same awful world
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The Constant References to the Al Gore episode of South Park piss me off That episode is Trey and Matt denying climate change.
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self.offmychest
|
Thought I’d share one of my experiences. Can anyone relate? Sorry for the essay, poor grammar and punctuation.
Thursday night.
I asked a friend what they were up to tonight by text and instantly got a phone call after. Now usually I’d ignore their called calls due to the worry of having an awkward phone conversation. This time I answer and we agree for them to come over. As soon as the phone call was over the worry and regret sets in. They will be here in5 Min, My heart is racing.
In order to the avoid opening the door I take a shower. My flat mates are in so they will open it. Thats the awkward opening the front door and saying hello avoided.
Stood in the shower thinking to myself what am I going to say to this person. Worried there is going to be awkward silences, not knowing what to say. The thought going through my head that I fully know I can’t hold a convocation with this person.
Get a text, they are here. My heart drops and I start to panic. I need to get out this situation. I type out to my mate “please can you get rid of them” but don’t send it. I’m stood here frantically thinking I need to do this. I need to step out that door and face this. On the other side I’m equally wanting to get rid of that person and return to my room. After a while of pacing around In the bathroom with various thoughts running through my head I delete the text and open that door. Instantly regret it as there is no going back now.
I rush into my room and close the door. All the time I’m getting dry and getting dressed those same thoughts going through my head. I know that awkward silences are coming. I know I won’t know what to say. So clothes on, hood up and I walk out that room, Strait past the living room and into the kitchen. Start walking towards the living room and at the last Min dart into the kitchen in fear. ok I’ll get a drink. Pour the glass drink some poor it out and refill just to waste some time.
Right heart racing and I walk in the livingroom. Say “hello” and sit down. Luckily the person and my flat mate are in a full on conversation and in can just sit there. The whole hour they were here I sat there wanting to say something myself but the only time I’d talk was when a question was directed at me but even then I’d give a quick snappy answer and look back at the telly because I’m worried what I’m saying is stupid and uninteresting. That’s basically what’s running through my head all night. The worry of being judged on what I’m saying. The feeling that people won’t be interested in what I’m saying. The thought of saying something stupid. So the whole hour iv probably said a hand full of things and it’s over. They have gone but it’s not over. Now I’m sat here beating myself up on the way iv acted and why I acted like that. Beating myself up all night u till I go to sleep.
Looking back on it and it’s not something I can change at the time. I can’t control these feeling at the moment they are happening.
I thought I’d right this out just as an exercise to myself to look back at what I was thinking. It’s quite vague but it’s hard for me to express myself. This wasn’t Intended for reddit but I’m wondering if other people go through these similar scenarios. I’m quite sure this isn’t a normal feeling.
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self.Anxiety
|
The key Here’s the key. I’m pissing off everyone who cares about me. I’m oissing them off so they don’t stop me. It’s crazy huh? I know.. but I think it’ll work this time. I’ve had people stop me before. But honestly right now. I don’t have anyone to stop me. I will do it. Sad part is I know I’m messing my kids up, I know I’m going to hell. Forever. But I don’t care anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Suicidal due to missed opportunity and wasted youth. I haven't felt suicidal in awhile, but now, I feel the need to do so. I have had an offer from IBM for a lucrative IT position, and technology is something I've been wanting to do. However, my mother advised that I take time to think about it.
Unfortunately for me, IBM does not take kindly to those who wait and informed me that they've rescinded their offer and moved on to someone else. All because I listened to my mother.
Now, I am 27, far older than most suicidal thinkers and I feel that I've wasted my youth, as I have a useless master's in cybersecurity that won't let me get hired without experience. I see so many young successful people and feel like an idiot in a world of geniuses.
How should people expect me to live when I have tried valiantly with no results?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Shaking, quivering voice at my first career level job interview. I couldn't keep it together no matter how much I told myself to relax.
It was a tough hour long interview. I went home and had all the negative thoughts:
1) I'll never get a job
2) I'll be stuck serving the rest of my life
3) I'll end up on the streets cuz I can't pay off my loans and I have no money left
4) I'm socially bankrupt.
5) I made a huge mistake going back to school and getting this degree
6) I don't deserve or belong in career role
7) I should just drink so I can stop feeling this terrible
8) I shouldn't exist.
I really spiraled out of control. I cried...a lot. My eyes are still puffy.
By some grace of a higher power I somehow turned it around.
1) it was your first interview don't be so hard on yourself
2) I won't end up on the streets. My parents will help me if I run out of money
3) I learned a lot from this experience
4) maybe this position isn't for me and I'll find something better later.
It's not perfect but I at least stopped crying.
My fear is I'll have some form of ptsd from this experience that will affect me in the future.
Can anyone here relate?
Thanks for reading .
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self.Anxiety
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I'm friendless and in heavy depression what can I Do to help myself (14) [deleted]
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self.depression
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Just need some opinions about possible panic disorder or something worse Hi! Newcomer here, I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible and to the point.
Symptoms are as follows:
•Headaches (mostly in my sinuses and temples)
•Lack of balance/coordination
•Numbness in my hands, like complete loss of feeling.
•Numbness in legs, especially at the knees like they are made of jelly
•Difficultly doing mundane tasks like going to the fridge, I'll often shake when grabbing said item from fridge like my muscles don't work anymore
•Inability to exercise (used to exercise frequently about 5-6 times a week)
•Can't think or concentrate fully
•Hard to form complete sentences sometimes
•Fatigue from doing simple things such as driving or walking my dog around the block or eating
•Heat intolerance (like anything above 80 degrees out makes me feel like I'm going to pass out)
•Like someone is grabbing the back of my head where it meets my neck and pulling it backwards
•The occasional bout of IBS
•jerky movements and spasms like my body is firing off
•looking at things and they don't seem real like my hands, or trees, or people, like I'm a glitch in the matrix and I've figured it out and reality is going To blink off like a television set.
I've had panic attacks and anxiety for about 6 years so the usual symptoms I'm used too, the heart rate increase, feeling of impending doom, hypochondria, tensing up, shortness of breath etc etc. but the symptoms above have all been adding on one after the other for the passed 6 years and a few of them just over the past 3 months. I've had many ER trips and all the usual suspects have been ruled out through MRI's, X-rays, blood tests, however I can't help but feel there might be something more thats the root cause. Any suggestions or comments are heavily appreciated because this is the first time I've been so brought down by it that I'm considering not carrying on anymore. Functioning is hard and even on my best days I'm still being tortured.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel helpless against depression. Feels all I can do about it just hold on for the ride I've been depressed since I was hardly even a teen. I've seen lots of therapist, been into mental institutions, tried a lot of coping methods have taken psychotic meds, tried every self help strategy I could find or figure out myself. Yet I'm still in that dark place for some of the time. I can't really even tell if anything is effective for me. At some stretches of my life, I am a perfectly happy and healthy dude. When things start looking like they are turning for the worse, coping methods seem unstoppable. But for everyone of those good stretches, I have at least one bad one. When I'm in a bad stretch I'm a suicidal maniac that sometimes requires physical force to be stopped. During this time coping methods have no effect. It feels like death is the only solution. Sorry for ranting about myself but I'm really at a crossroads here. It just feels like the only thing I can do about depression is just fight with everything I got to get by today, just for another shitty tomorrow. Anyone else feel the same?
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self.depression
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I need your help, I think one of my friends is suicidal. Thanks in advance.
I have a friend who I fear is thinking about killing himself.
He has always been emotionally unstable, with symptoms pointing to aspergers and autism. It started a few weeks back when he got drunk at a party and broke down and got very depressed. I was not present at that event, so I cant describe it closer, but I know that the thing I am going to describe was not singular. I went to a party with him a few days ago, where he again got drunk and broke hard, crying and talking about killing himself. He was very detailed about even possibly not surviving the night. He thinks of events like these as "showing weakness", his reasons for suicide contemplations are "having no friends, noone caring about him, and having not accomplished anything in his life". FYI, we are in our early twenties. I think I am the only one he can talk to this about, since all of his other friends I know of are incapable of talking to someone in this situation, and ignoring his breakdowns completely. His parents are dismissive of the possibility of suicide, his two siblings too young to understand. I think he himself would not search for help, as he thinks of it as weakness as said before. I do not want to risk my perceived position as the only one he can talk to about this by telling him directly that I think he should search for help. I dont know what to do next, please help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Need Advice/ Happy New Years ! Hello ! and happy new years everyone. :D i have a question to ask and i dont know how to take it. so maybe if i hear it from others ?
anyways im pretty used to spending the holidays with my family and friends but i moved away out of state to go see my gf in another state and honestly i think im just home sick.. but i do miss my family tons. so ! me and my gf currently braught a new place and we have been trying to save up and fix this place up at the same time. and the bills are kicking in and the holidays just arnt helping lol
sooooooo.... we have been struggling abit and i dont mind working i actually love working! :) but for the holidays i wanted to take the day off and just spend it with her and her family but she kinda got upset cause i wanted to take the day off and kinda just went off on me telling me that "we need the money" etc etc etc.. anyways i was on snapchat when new years hit and i wanted to take it off also but i got the same response when i tried to take it off for chirstmas .. my pops always raised me to take of the ones you love and always support them and provide .. but for some reason when i saw her with her family laughing and joking around i got .. i dont know if i got angry or jealous .. but it kinda hurted just going into the new year sitting inside of a small locker room looking down at a screen looking at her spending time with her family and i guess what im trying to say is that it would have been nice going into the new year with someone by my side ?
but am i wrong for feeling the way i did ? or ...
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self.depression
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I noticed people who talk to me, sometimes just walk away mid conversation I'm socially awkward and I have a hard time reading cues about where the person wants to take the conversation. Is he genuine with me right now, am I interesting enough? I end up expressing myself in bizarre ways and people just up and leave. I find it incredibly rude almost like I'm a crazy person and they think it's okay to disrespect me. It hurts a lot
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self.depression
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I always cry whenever I think about how much I wanna kill myself.
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self.depression
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(25M) I’ve been taking depakote for almost six years. After talking with my Pdoc he is switching me to lamictal and abilify. Anybody with a similar experience, I’d like to know if you had a better experience with the latter. I know everyone is different but I’m really tired of what the depakote has done to me and my life so it would be great to hear some positive stories. Thanks.
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self.bipolar
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Equetro Anyone in this? My pdoc is switching me off lithium to this since my symptoms are pretty much around what they are without meds. I just wanna know who all are on it since my pharmacist didn’t recognize it and has to order it.
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self.bipolar
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I don't even know what it's like to be excited for anything anymore [deleted]
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self.depression
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I fee like, googling ANY of your Fears, health related or not, is such a bad idea. I've been worried for a while how a new baby would impact my relationship with a friend and the majority of articles I found on google, talk about how you can't be friends and you should let them go.
None of that helped my anxiety at all. It just made it so worse, to the point where it's all I can think about, even with distractions. And this isn't the first time I've googled something anxiety related, just to have it spike my anxiety. The issues I see online, don't 100% reflect what's going on in my life, so in all honesty, what google says could be completely different from what I'm going through. But there's always that one phrase or one sentence that I fixate on and think "this is most likely going to happen. I must prepare myself for the worst".
I'm not even sure what I'm upset about. The fact that I caved and googled these problems or the fact that I'm just letting my anxiety take over on this.
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self.Anxiety
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There is no hope left in me So I have been struggling with saddness and anxiety for around 10 years now. I have lost all hope that everything will be better. But I don't know what "getting better" means anymore. I don't want anything in life excepting dying. I hate myself and most people don't seem to care about me. And I don't blame them, I wouldn't like someone me either. Today is hard day because even my mother didn't reply to my Happy New Year message. I am alone and hopeless. My life came down to only survival. Every day is the same. My life consists of studying and going to collage I don't like where everybody is better than me, comming home to an empty apartment and thinking of ending it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need to leave my family..... I've come to realize recently that I'm the most comfortable, most positive, and genuinely sociable with my friends as school unlike my family. Being around my family, especially being sheltered for so many years, and then to all of a sudden be prompted to live out my life and do what I want at the age of 18 when I've never been given the chance at all prior? And on top of that, having felt as if you're the black sheep of the family with no connection to your family's origins because you're the only one born in America, who doesn't speak the family language, and having been constantly reminded how your love of drawing, animation, and comics won't take you anywhere in life? How I was suppose to fully function as a productive member of society with that sort of "training"? Honestly, I blame my sheltering for my introversion. Having no permission to interact with school friends outside of my home, which eventually got used to and to the point where I didn't even bother to ask my parents to hangout with friends because I foresaw the answer. Having no permission to watch TV on the weekdays, only on the weekends, which in retrospect drew me more to watching TV. Just in a nutshell, never having to think for myself and taste a sliver of independence and freedom, and making my own mistakes, growing up until in my late years of high school which at that point I never bothered to take the chance to practice because of how comfortable I've gotten to this suffocating lifestyle. It's so bad that I've become completely anxious of everything and everyone. And I'm deathly afraid of failure, and this is mostly due to my grandmother comparing me to my older brother who've gained so many academic accomplishments growing up, and even entering into his dream Ivy League school, while I couldn't get into my dream school due to financial issues. And my parents expect me to change out of this fragile attitude so quickly, and now my mom's finally got around the idea to wanting me to pursue my dreams in the comics and animation industry. But honestly, I feel like so much damage has been done that I'm mentally and emotionally and incapable of pursuing anything at all...hell I'm even afraid to drive because I'm afraid I'll fail.
And this brings me back to being comfortable with my friends. I've never been more true to myself and happy than being with my college friends. All of my interests, hobbies, and etc that have been downplayed by my mother throughout my childhood were finally accepted. They're honestly the best thing to happen to me and they've become like a family. I honestly even consider one of my best friends since starting college to be more of an older brother than my ACTUAL older brother. Not that I don't love my brother, but there is a 7 year age gap and we're just far too different as far as interests go. My father is interestingly similar like me, but because of his night shifts of over 20 years, and obviously me having to go to school during the daytime, there wasn't really a huge opportunity for us to bond as a father and son and it just seems like we're not really making much of an effort to connect. I just don't have any interest at all, nor with everybody else in my family. And my mom I feel like has been the most negative impact in my life growing up. I do realize that my mother was doing all she could to be a good mom, but as a result her helicopter tactics didn't help at all to raise me as an individual. Every sliver of an opinion that crossed my mind, I immediately dampened because I reminded myself "this is my mom, she'll never go with this, anything she says goes".
I feel like I can never truly feel happy with my family as I've always associated so much of my depression and anxiety with them. I want to leave this family so bad. Not in the sense that I want to leave them forever, but just enough for me to have my own breathing room and space and to find myself without their presence. I'm 23 years, and I've been jobless for 6 months and I still don't have a drivers license so I'm stuck at home away from my friends. Everyday is beckoning me to wanting to kill myself or wishing death upon myself unless I get away from this family.
Sorry for this fractured structure of a post. This is me just rambling my feelings.
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self.depression
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I’m going to kill myself Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in ten years, but I have a burning feeling inside of me that my life will end on my own terms, when I am ready, and I don’t know how I feel about it.
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self.depression
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I have a problem So, I am a skinny guy. Every once in a while my roommates may come home with like extra candy from a party or extra food from the office. Most of the time they say no one can have that stuff unless they ask. Because im so scared of feeling judged, I resort to stealing that food and then blaming it on someone else. Last night I was confronted and they just insulted me and called me disgusting. Im trying to fix my ways its that im so scared to ask because I hate being judged by friends or family becuase I thought I could trust them not to.
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self.offmychest
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I'm not sure what to do. Hey guys, I'm only 15 and I've been to the hospital 3 times for suicidal attempts and plans. I keep trying to get through each day but it gets harder because I screw everything up. I've learned I guess that suicide doesn't solve anything. I take meds and they sure don't help. Even though I'm on a whopping 70 mg of prozac. Everything just kind of sucks and I hate myself for feeling like this all the time. I'm failing almost all of my classes and my mom always freaks out about that fact. I'm just done with everything.
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self.depression
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Socially disabled; too afraid to ask for help. My name is Austin, i'm 19, and I have Asperger's syndrome and avoidant personality disorder. I'm extremely socially inhibited and I have barely any friends as a result of this. Having a conversation with people is very hard for me and I feel absolutely hopeless. I feel as if people like me are not cut out to live in this world; how can you live a decent life if you can't connect with anyone? It seems like every route of getting help involves calling someone on the phone and that's a very intimidating concept. I hate calling people for menial life stuff and I really hate the idea of calling someone and saying "Hello, yes, I am severely suicidally depressed and I need any form of human contact to proceed with trying to live." The psychiatric services at my college involve a 20 minute phone call and that sounds hellish. I'm familiar with the Crisis Text Line but I feel like, with my situation, I need some long term care. Care that involves rigorous testing and someone who can truly see what kind of monster is inside my brain. I realize that this is a very lame issue and that fact makes me hate myself even more. There are people who can help me and I can't even call them on the phone without all the signals in my brain firing off and making me panic. Fuck.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else get that super random panic attack sometimes? I hate when I just panic for no apparent reason.
I’ll just sit in my office at my desk, working, afternoon coming closer. And although I’m happy to have my free time, just thinking about getting in the car and driving home, the same way I go everyday, sends me straight into panic. I get so scared of something so normal, for no reason! I get angry at myself then.
Another thing is that I can’t really leave my apartment to go grocery shopping. It’s horrible. I get so paranoid and scared. It’s seriously affecting my everyday life.
Anyone here that has some coping tips for situations like these?
Edit: I should add, I’ve tried breathing techniques and herbal medication (I don’t mean marijuana), not a fan of either, it doesn’t help, not even a placebo effect.
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self.Anxiety
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Planning on killing myself. Again. Hello everyone, I am writing this because I want to gather up my thoughts. As title says I want to kill myself again. This happened to me for the first time a year ago. It was something new, unexpected so I told my family, found help, spent a month in a psychiatric hospital, got treatment and meds.
However, the thoughts came back and I don't feel like going through all that again, to bother my family with my shit although they are very supportive. There is nothing I enjoy anymore, everything I do is just for the moment, just to get distracted for an hour maybe two and after that I realize that I hate myself.
Basically I don't have any friends, no social life. I am 20, male, virgin, never had a girlfriend because I have no confidence, can't imagine someone actually liking me.
I failed one uni, then on second try I had to stop the study because of depression, this is my third try and I have stopped attending lectures and practicals because I lost motivation and started to see everything dark again. I feel like a failure, my parents see someone who is smart in me and I just keep letting them down.
I am planning to kill myself in a few days before they find out I failed again. Still not decided if I should leave a note or not and what other things should I resolve before leaving forever.
Well, if you are reading this you probably made it this far, thank you for your time.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Family is supposed to be a place where you can find and feel love , care and happiness [deleted]
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self.depression
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Heart Palpitations as a Result of Anxiety Has anybody experienced this? I was recently medicated for it and was wondering how common it is. I have a past of depression and anxiety, but haven't experienced symptoms in quite a while. Just want to know other people's experiences :)
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety about things that didn’t happen Does anyone ever get panic attacks over things that didn’t happen? And because you are over thinking it and panicking you start to think it actually happened? For example, you know you didn’t say something rude to someone but you keep thinking that maybe you did, or what if you did, and end up convincing yourself you said something rude? I am in a cycle like that right now and don’t know how to stop it.
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self.Anxiety
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Embarrassingly got rejected by friends when I told them I was depressed I've been extremely depressed since April and besides my significant other I've felt so isolated and alone. I have 5 close friends, and I know when you're going through a rough patch it's important to reach out instead of just hoping friends come to you. But through out the year I've told all of my friends individually that I was going through a really hard time and could use some company or someone to talk to. All but one, who I haven't been that close until recently, pushed off the plea with "oh I'm busy" or "well that's life, sometimes it sucks". Like I know me being depressed is annoying, but I could at least use a 1 hour phone call or online chat at some point or a lunch or something. I even spent my birthday and graduation without my friends because of their "busy" schedules.
I know that I should be understanding of them being busy, but when you're depressed it's so fucking hard to bounce it off my shoulders. Of course they're fine when I'm happy.
It's just so damn hard sometimes.
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self.depression
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I knew i was hypo --- So I expected a crash.
It happened.
It passed.
Praise for meds.
The end.
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self.bipolar
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I'm watching my life fall apart, and I can't do anything about it. I can't even begin on what a disappointment I am. I literally have no expectations of me and I still let everyone down. My mind goes at a million miles an hour with the negative thoughts, so I sleep to escape the pain. I try to do everything I can but I just sit in bed and watch myself do nothing. It's not that I don't want to do anything. Its that I physically can't, and it's hurting everyone close to me. I can't handle this pain every day. When will the medications work? When will the therapy start to help me? Why can't I be happy with the things I have in my life? People say I should be thankful that I didn't end my life, but I'm starting to feel like I regret not doing it.
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self.depression
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Always seeking affection and assurance in my relationship I'm in an 8 month relationship and I know my "love language" is words of affection so I always like hearing that stuff, but I know it can go overboard.
I tend to overtext. I tend to say sorry a lot, even if a minor argument isn't even my fault just because I don't like the conflict. I always just like flirting, etc etc because I seek that validation too much where it comes off needy.
My bf is more on the actions based love language. He buys me dinner a lot. Treats me to things all the time. And in my head, that doesn't translate so as he's doing those things, my anxiety is going crazy because I'm not hearing flirty words or anything.
I just need a better way to handle things like this, mentally. Especially when we are together for like 3 days straight, everything is GREAT. My bf can be sassy (in a fun way), but sometimes I take it bad and then am in my whirlwind brain of negativity.
Just need a better way of internally handling things and knowing things are okay.
EDIT: I should note that last week I found out he was sexting a random person but didn't end up cheating. We talked about it a lot the day after. He felt like complete shit as he should and has been a lot more affectionate with me this week. He knows he made an awful mistake and I could sense it so I am giving him another chance. Obviously that's where some of this interal struggle is coming from right now, but he seriously has been a lot better so I need to just remind myself things are okay.
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone take Cymbalta and Ambien? I started Cymbalta like a year ago. I took it for a while and couldn't sleep at night so my doctor prescribed Ambien. I would have the worst time with forgetting where I put things and I thought it was due to the Ambien. I went off both for a while and restarted recently. I've noticed some serious brain fog. What's everyone else's experience? I really can tell a difference in my life in general when I'm taking it but I don't know if the brain fog is worth it.
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self.depression
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I've just been prescribed propranolol, anyone have experience with it? Did it work? Were there any side effects? It's the first med I've been prescribed for anxiety, and I'm prescribed to take it daily.
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self.Anxiety
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Continuing cycle of anxiety I’ve been dealing with social anxiety and/or depression for most of the past eight months. I have a mental disability which makes it really difficult for me to interact with people, and I have a tendency to beat myself up over it when interactions go bad, which they usually do. Add on to this an extremely stressful first semester of university and I’m just drained from all of it.
Nobody in my life knows it for various reasons. I don’t trust my mother because she mishandled my mental disability by doing absolutely nothing about it (including not telling me I had it for *seven years* after the diagnosis although I suspected I had it from connecting two and two before that), I don’t have any friends I can turn to, and my university’s counselors are terrible (one visit, never again). It just feels like I’m in a pit of quicksand only going down.
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self.offmychest
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rejection woes I want a relationship so badly. I had a breakup over the summer that really messed me up and I can't handle rejection at all now. It sends me into a really depressed place. I only seem to get depressed after breakups/rejection but it always lasts way longer than it should.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so scared to try again, I don't know how many more times I can go through this, my biggest goal in life is to find love and it's just so scary to think that it might not ever happen.
I've never wanted to kill myself, but I also just really really wish I would just not wake up tomorrow.
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self.depression
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No right to be depressed because others have it worse?! Really?! This is why there is still stigma surrounding mental disorders. Who would want to be depressed?! It’s as if we have a choice.
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self.depression
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I really don't think I can do this anymore. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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