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Should I tell my therapist about marijuana use? I live in the south and am starting therapy for the first time today! I am so excited but I am getting nervous about disclosing my recreational marijuana use to my therapist because I am worried I will be judged. I know there shouldnt be any legal reprecussions but I am afraid that I will be treated differently because I don't really have the desire to stop and be held accountable to that, but maybe that's my ignorance.
My therapist is religious, but doesn't outright practice Christian therapy. i guess if she judges me, I could switch therapists but I really want to get my treatment started and I don't want this to get in the way of that.
any other marijuana users on here who have also experience with therapy?
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self.Anxiety
|
Back and gone. Ive posted here a few times saying goodbye and whatnot, people probably think i'm an attention whore... but for everyone of those posts theres an attempt. ive got cuts all up my arms, even some on my legs. I've attempted 6 times between late October and now. but this time ill get it right. My suicide note is written, and everything is set up. Goodbye.
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE stop breathing when upset? What the title says, and no, I'm not an infant. When I'm upset and almost about to cry I get the impulse to stop breathing completely. Not even hold my breath in or anything, simply stop.
Anyone else experience it? Is it some coping mechanism or just subconscious suicidal tendencies?
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self.Anxiety
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Seriously tell me something. I cannot stop crying and its getting worse
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self.depression
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I talked to god like a crazy man in the Middle of the night... [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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We’re all gonna die, why should I waste my time? Hello 1/8,000,000,000 humans, congrats for living so long or short depending on who you are. In my opinion suicidal people are selfish... I’m selfish...
I only want to have chats and get more friends, I have friends but does it really matter in the end game? The human population is gonna spread to 1 trillion or quintillion then we’re all dead. Humanity is doomed, if we spread more seeds, we’ll continue our downfall into more violence and killing more animals.
I wanna die. Death makes people cry but they will die as well and never remember when they cried! I leave no memories! I am not depressed, if I am, my doctor hasn’t said shit about it! She probably doesn’t care! Nobody cares! I am talking to fucking strangers on the internet! You’re not gonna win! Humanity is gonna die, you know the Columbine Shootings right? Well, those will happen everywhere! More people means more stupid and mentally ill people! More mentally ill and stupid people means more deaths!
I might kill myself because if I spread my seed, my son or daughter might be crazy and I will be disappointed! Elliot Rodger may have been mentally ill but you’re damn sure that what he said is right! Sex drives the fucking world, we’re being controlled! Less power! Do you want people to die? We will all die from a meteor or asteroid! The fucking sun will kill us! I am just wasting my time on this earth!
Humanity won’t recover!
EDIT: My mind is already shattered, you can’t save me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I wish I had a shoulder to cry on And a person to snuggle with and watch cheesy TV with till 3am and eat ungodly amounts of nutella and lie next to the fireplace with and spend our nights walking under the city lights talking about life.
Please if anyone is out there just listen to this dream of mine.
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self.depression
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I have a crush on my supervisor, but I think she has a thing for someone else in the store. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I want to get help, but I don't know how and I can't pay. What can I do? [deleted]
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self.depression
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pre calc gonna end the quarter with an 83.6
never going to get my grade back up
i hate high school
i can't live like this
freshman year is killing me
i don't want to be here anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone have any luck with vitamins, etc for stress/anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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An Open Letter to Wal-Mart (by a venting robot) Dear Wal-Mart,
I have worked in your establishment for several years now and I have hated every single moment. I have woken up feeling glum and depressed nearly every single day that I was scheduled. I am completely shattered and barely feeling human now. Tomorrow (today, actually in three hours) will be day number seven in a row without any days off. I am a full time student who was promised flexibility and instead got threats that if I did not come in for overtime, I would get in trouble (a prospect which I believe is illegal in my state). It's sickening - the wages are so low that someone could work here for fifty fucking years and never be able to leave (the case with one of our associates now). I started at Wal-Mart in a different town and made friends with my coworkers - the job was okay at the time. I had to quit and find employment in a new town, starting with Wal-Mart. This town paid more and appreciated the work I did, which was something I never expected. I was offered a promotion (as the former manager left) within the first two months and sprung at it - a mistake that I still regret. The first day I was promoted, half of the store refused to talk to me - I came in and near immediately took a position that some had wanted for years. I did not mind, but the boss who hired me decided it was appropriate to not only fire half my staff, but berate me daily about my department's performance when we are severely understaffed for the holidays! If I may add, we are 1.5x the sales from last year, while being #2 in our region - something this department has never done.
It became a daily struggle - come in, get yelled at and leave. I hated every moment. The former manager whose job I took came back a month ago and everyone refers to him as the manager of the section, although he is one of my associates. Upper management will walk right by me and to him to ask for him to direct someone to a task. I did not care at first, but that on top of the constant battering took a toll on me. I was trying to focus on school, while coming in full time and managing a horde of people. My boss and I were joking around one day and he asked how school was going - I had just failed two tests in a row and was a bit disgruntled. He offered me more hours and said I did not need school as I was going to work at Wal-Mart forever. You can bet that was the day I went home and applied everywhere else. I got a job in my field with much less hours that will be barely livable, but I could not pass up a chance to make a real difference to the world and not be a useless peon forever. I told management about this and they were glad, even noting that "[I am] not good in retail", which is preposterous as just a few months ago, I was the one who you bent all the rules for to promote. I have now discovered that I will not be getting a bonus that everyone is awarded, as they stalled my hire date by two weeks to make me miss the cutoff date. Also Wal-Mart does this neat thing where they give you a 15% off coupon only valid in Wal-Mart instead of paying holiday pay - however, you have to work Thanksgiving. I even worked an additional three hours of overtime on Thanksgiving, neglecting family and friends. Today was Black Friday and my fiancee called in a frenzy stating that her mother was in the ER and she desperately needed me. I asked my manager's manager if I was all good to go and if there would be any penalty (citing the bonus specifically), he said go, but now he needs me back at 6AM tomorrow, which was my first day off in quite some time. I was glad at this development at that moment, I get home and calm her down when I get a text. It was my boss saying that he forgot that I had to work a full shift before and after Thanksgiving to receive the coupon and since I left early, it was not a full shift.
So now I am out some $200 worth of a bonus, 25% off one transaction at Wal-Mart and a few years of my fucking life - but I have never been more excited to start a new job with a lower pay than right now.
To put it into perspective, for the past week (been sick a lot since getting this job) I have been very sick, but I came in every day and worked as hard as I could. I got shit on all week. I have gotten three hours of sleep a night, trying to find time to study or have a social life (ha), I have been given additional stress almost every day I had "off" (boss calls to complain about staffing or call me in to work what seems like every shift), I have tried to explain my predicament and have been shit on almost every time. When an achievement comes in for the department, even when it was all me (an item sells out when I moved it into a prime location and corporate takes notice), I get no credit or anything, everyone praises my boss (which is how every job is, I assume). I'm just exhausted and I cannot do this shit any more.
Also, the fucking customers. I do not want to get into this, but yesterday (Thanksgiving), a guy literally walked up to me and said "You fuckers are savages, how do you do this?", I said "I dunno, man. It's crazy every year." and he responds "Fuck you, man!" Like what the fuck just happened. That isn't even the craziest shit that has occurred. Some lady yelled at me over a $12 pair of headphones, saying that I am terrible at my job and I deserve to die for wasting her time. Seriously, if you're a customer anywhere, be a little bit respectful. Overall, fuck this shit.
Fuck you, Wal-Mart.
Sincerely,
Me
P.S: I am going to call out tomorrow for the first time ever, fuck you.
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self.offmychest
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I don’t know if I can post this here... but it’ll help me calm. Please delete if it’s against rules So about three months ago I was diagnosed as anxiety/depressed. Normal typical combo. I have meds, yea, and they work sometimes, but not really. I’m not suicidal, I’m just upset at myself. My life is good and I have no fuxking reason to be depressed or anxious. But, here I am.
My depression is pretty bad, if I’m honest. It’s hard to get out of bed, to remember to do basic things like brush my teeth or shower. I hate doing my hobbies (cooking, makeup, working out, gaming). It’s not nearly as bad as my mother’s, and again I have no right to have it for as long as I have (going on 8 years. Mom chose to ignore it)
My anxiety is the worst part of it. I can’t take phone calls. I hate talking to anyone (this includes my fiancé and our roommate). I hate small talk. I hate interviews. I am terrified of anyone I have to respect and the wrong things come out of my mouth (my last job I was fired for making an off comment to a manager who I tried to apologize for, as when I’m nervous my mouth explodes). I can’t ask people for help ever, and if I do it takes me ages to work up courage. It takes me three days to get back to calls for jobs (because thankfully online applications are a thing). I get these horrible panic attacks monthly, where my entire body numbs up and I can’t move. I can’t sleep at night scolding myself. I am terrified of being robbed so any little sound keeps me ticking.
On top of all of this I’m almost certain my eating disorder has come back. I apparently make these wonderful meals (though I’m certain they are only saying it to try and make me feel better) but I can’t eat them. I haven’t fully finished a meal in three years. I eat a meal a day (but if it’s something I love like pizza I get the calories I need). I haven’t gone back to the puking, but I’m really worried.
My mother in law scolds me for not doing basic shit that a human should remember to do. My mom still refuses to believe it’s as bad as I think it is. I avoid talking to anyone about it because I can’t trust anyone. Its because it’s what I expect them to say.
I can’t afford therapy. I have insurance but I don’t have a job. My fiancé does but all of it goes to our bills. I can’t ask my family to help because they are in just a bad situation as me. I can’t drive, I can’t find a damn job due to the stress and the time of year that it is. I’m terrified, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just needed to vent it out. I don’t expect anyone to say anything. Infact I hope this to just get flooded away. Even if someone does respond I probably won’t respond back. I hate burdening others, especially when some of you probably have it worse off than me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Vent it out I think I'll end my life soon. My dear has it been a rollercoaster of a ride. From childhood I was destined for suffering. My family friend molested me, my family neglected me. My brother would often abuse me. I was bullied at school for being overweight and weird, all my childhood friends moved away and not one cared enough to stay in contact. The black sheep everywhere, even amongst others who stand out. I came out to my mum once about liking boys and she told me to hide it forever and basically told me a gay child was like a curse in her world. Then I came out at 18, told my crush I loved him and he showed my most vulnerable bit of writing ever to everyone. So I had to come out to everyone instead of slowly. I suffer from chronic depression, it's more active in my life than normalcy. I'm forced into an anhedonic state, agitated and irritated. I tried to seek help but it just didn't pan out properly. Then I came out as a Trans woman and life took another major turn. I'm either a sex object or guys use me for games. Literally, they talk to me, tell me how great and wanted I am and then POOF! Gone. I know it's sad but all I ever wanted was my other half. If I had them then everything else I genuinely believe could be shouldered... but I don't because I'm too broken to love. How many days I've fantasized about death and I tried, I really tried to die but failed twice!!
I just want it to be peaceful and as clean as possible. Now, I'm rather empty inside, I don't have the energy to chase dreams or remain hopeful.
Quite honestly, the pain is so physical it's debilitating. I legitimately don't know how I'm still coming to work everyday or even moving at all.
This one guy, last year, came into my life and I thought everything was about to change for me. He gave me hope again. Uttered the sweetest things and then just left me to rot haha. Can you imagine 😂 you go through all of that and still life bangs you with a spiked pole. I'm not expecting a single person to read this, I just want to vent it out.
I really tried my absolute best but it's just too much to carry. I can't even enjoy the presence of my mum and sister who've come down for the week. My mum's difficult and she has a habit of agitating me more whenever I'm out of it. I don't know why. I'm losing my shit with her and it's making me feel worse. I just want to vanish. To never have existed.
I don't like this world and I don't want to be here anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have borderline personality disorder and some serious abandonment issues. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Meds causing dissociation? I’ve noticed since starting my medication ~a month ago (Depakote & Abilify) I have experiences throughout the day where I feel like Im floating and not in my body. Kind of auto-pilot and temporary black-out. When I get them while driving, I feel weightless and airborne. About 3-4 times a day.
Does anyone else have this because of their medication? Never had this happen as often before these meds.
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self.bipolar
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How do you claw your way out when every part of you is exhausted beyond comprehension? How do you even get help when you barely have the energy or will power to get out of bed? The idea of just finding a primary care doctor and/or therapist seems like Mount Everest let alone getting on a medication, going to therapy consistently and taking other steps to get better. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate being alive, but I have to go to work. I have to take care of my daughter. I have to be alive, but I'm not living. I'm existing and even that seems like a strong word to describe what I'm doing. Every day feels like I've reached my breaking point, but when you're this far gone, how does rock bottom even really help other than to make you feel more miserable because you have nothing left inside of you to climb out of rock bottom? Has anyone been here and made it out? Where do I start? I need a plan that is micro-baby steps at a time. Not only do I struggle with the depression and anxiety, but I have several chronic health problems that make everything that much harder. I don't know how to hope anymore. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and be happy and "normal".
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self.depression
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My sister used to tell me to go kill myself [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I should be committed, but that is the last thing I want to do... All I could think about at work today is how much I want to die
I've been committed before
It honestly was traumatizing
It's tough because I always felt confident promising people that I wouldn't commit suicide, using the hospital as a safety net
Now that is my worst nightmare
I'm a claustrophobic, agoraphobic, smoker who lives thanks to escapism.
If you take away my music, my tv, my smokes, my friends, MY DISTRACTIONS, and lock me indoors? You might as well kill me. I can't do any sory of healing in what is hell...
Doesn't help that I'm poor and unable to pay my last visit
I'm not sure what to do
I'm calmer now I'm home but on track to go through the five suicidal mood swings again tomorrow
Fuck
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Happy Thanksgiving! Hi everyone! I hope you all have a good Thanksgiving. I know the holiday season can be rough, and family reunions not so enjoyable, but I hope you all find something to be thankful for (even if it's just having an internet community to talk to). I was depressed for around 2 years, which got progressively worse, but I finally beat my depression this summer and have felt better ever since. This community really helped me understand what was causing my depression and reach out for help, and I hope you're all able to get the help you need as well.
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self.depression
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Pristiq or vibryd? I recently did a genetic testing thing and these were the two medications that I can metabolize well. I'm terrified to take either. I had a lot of issues as a teenager taking antidepressants (suicidal and the withdrawals were hell) I've been browsing the sub and see the withdrawals are awful for pristiq. I'm terrified to start taking an antidepressant again and honestly don't know if it's worth it. I struggle with anxiety mostly. Just wanted to hear your thoughts/experiences. Thanks.
Edit: I tried various medications in high school and had awful experiences
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self.depression
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How can you blame anyone for wanting to leave a world like this? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Winter Break Before I start, I just wanna say that I am in no danger of harming myself, I'm simply just going through a rough patch in life.
I'm in the middle of winter break of my senior year of college and have never felt more lonely. Despite having a strong friend group at college and being in an amazing relationship with someone I love very much, I feel totally isolated. Many of my friends from college and my girlfriend live in the same town, while I live 3 states and 10 hours away from them. At home, I have found that, since starting college, all of my friends from high school have practically abandoned me. Despite seeing them frequently hanging out over the past 4 years on social media, I have yet to receive a response to any of the texts I've sent out, and, as a result, I find myself at home with no social life, thus causing a strong re-emergence of my depression that has pretty much taken over my thoughts. I live in a pretty rural area, so there aren't many ways to meet new people over break due to how spread out everything is and the extremely cold weather. While I've been able to spend some time with my family, my parents have to work most days.
While my friends and girlfriend have been hanging out frequently, I've been delegated to sitting at home alone browsing through netflix. To make matters more difficult for me, I've been pretty open with my girlfriend about my situation but have found that she has been rather unresponsive due to a very active social life and busy family schedule at home. Its important to also understand that she has serious depression as well and recently moved to the town she's currently in 2 years ago and had some trouble meeting people as well, something with she has obviously overcome. There have been one or two days where we've been able to text back and forth for a few hours, where I've been able to share my feelings with her about my break and have received helpful advice and comforting words in response; however a majority of our days have been delegated to a "good morning" text, one or two 5 minute check-ins throughout the day and a "good night". For example, on New Years Eve I was stuck at home alone (parents go to bed early) and asked my girlfriend earlier in the day if she'd like to talk for 5 minutes at midnight. Upon the drop of the ball, I simply receive a "Happy New Years, I love you" text, which I reply to asking if she wants to talk and then receive no response for the rest of the night until I said I'm going to bed to which she immediately responds good night. Due to my loneliness, I've tried to arrange some skype sessions or phone calls with her, because it'd be nice to have someone to actually talk to thats not my family, but have had little success. I find that some days I'll ask her if she'd like to have a phone call to which i recieve a "maybe" response, only to later find out that she made plans after our conversation to do something with her friends. I've been having trouble finding a way to communicate to her that it would be nice if I were to be able to skype of talk with her at least a few times over break while also trying to give her space to enjoy her time at home. I understand that she's been really busy, it just feels like she's made no efforts to try and talk with me.
This situation has left me extremely conflicted about my life and my relationships. I know I tend to overthink things a lot when my depression re-emerges but I also find it frustrating that the person with whom I am closest doesn't seem to have a desire to talk to me. I'm hesitant to text some of my friends individually because I've never really had serious depression problems while I've known them and don't know how they'd handle it. I don't know how to cope with this situation I'm in. With graduation and adult life looming for me as well, I find myself anxious, lonely, depressed, and overthinking my entire life. The only friends I have I've made while in college and I will soon moving on from that stage of my life. I know that I'll still be friends with them in the future, but will likely be spread out across the country. I'm nervous that I will continue to have social troubles outside of college in the real world and find myself constantly googling how to make new friends in new places. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears in life and even facing it short term has unleashed a world of problems within me.
I hope that this "rant" isn't too scatterbrained or jumbled, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm not sure if any of you have gone through similar situations but I figured I might as well reach out somewhere.
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self.offmychest
|
Benzos make me feel like me I suffer from pretty bad GAD after some reckless drug experimentation in my late teens(LSD, 2CB, MDMA, weed which I still smoke daily and numerous Research Chemicals)
I was always quite angsty before that so who knows if it would of just happened without the drugs anyway.
Anyway I digress, I’ve been purchasing Benzos from some local dealers for about 5 years now. They’ve helped me through some horrific anxiety filled days and I honestly believe they’ve saved my life . I’ve never been addicted ( although I have had a few close calls) and I don’t see any downside to them .
The Dr gave me lexapro but they seem to stop working after a few weeks. Benzos seem to be the only thing that allow me to be normal and remain on an even keel.
Anyway just wanted to share that , as I’m slightly worried that my Benzo use is something that will stay with me forever. And I conflicted whether this is a blessing or a curse....
Keep good everyone and remember it’s all in your head....
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self.Anxiety
|
what to do? i am late 20s . idk why i am posting, not much u can do. father had heart attack becaz of some new drug he was on .. his gf started telling me wh a deatbeat I am and how i am using him and shouldnt be sing him for meds.
my neurologist told me that i have to take epilepsy meds becuz they were averaging once / twice a mnnth and that it could get worse unless I take meds .. he said i can't miss single dosage or i could risk brain damage from long lasting seizure sicne it's so high. he put me on xanax as well as i had bad panic issues where i coudln't breath which could trigger seizure.....
i just called and canceled my appointment with neuro (wants see me every 6 months) in a few months told him i can't see him anytime soon to save $. his gf started ranting about how much of deadbeat i am and how he can't retire.... he's only 56
she screamed at me last night blaming me it's normal. sometimes I get hit in face. idk where else to go. i don't know where to go . i don't have ged, have dyslexia and was homed schooled most of life .
brother hits me sometimes face or push me down because i need to be pnished. i had bed taken away so I sleep on wooden floor. id have anywhere else to go i tried.
she's right i shouldn't be a burden. i only have few options, i could stop taking meds and hope i can die, go to forest and just die there, be homeless on street . or break some law to go to jail? idk i think jail is good 4 me as i need punishment for existing and being scrwed up to point of having epilepsy. i shouldn't exist. god made mistake with me.
i went to mental institutin once which ended up in$14k debt . didn't pay as ih ave no money i tried to get out sooner, but they wouldnt let me. i tried gov assist to perhaps help me get out and on my 2 feet. gov agrees with me that i am a deadbeat that shouldn't exist. they have cams inside and outside watching all i do..
what do I do? i stopped taking medicine and haven't had it for over 13 hours now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Counting the hours. I’ve been suffering from PTSD since before getting out of the military. I’ve been on medication but it honestly feels like happiness is something I can’t hold on to In life. I may have a few days or a week and something happens. Being a mother it’s so easy for me to get upset with my Daughter (I’m never physical with her. I only take it out on myself.) Then I see her cry about something as small as a bug and my heart shatters. Honestly I’m a shit parent and she deserve so much more. This physical and mental pain I have has truly become too much to stand. I never want my daughter to be alone so I’m waiting for my husband to come home.
Update: I truly wish I had the people that I’m talking to on here in my life. My husband avoids issues as bad or worse then I do. I wrote my pathetic letter of goodbye now I’m finding peace with the sounds of traffic and knowing life will go on
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’ll cover you (reprise) Broadway show RENT
Holds a special place in my heart as both a tragic but upbeat and humorous story of love and loss. I don’t know why I just wrote that. Seriously no clue but as I was taking a shower tonight before I head off to bed one song pops into my head. The title of this post is the name of that song. It is such a sad and emotional song to one of the main characters that passes during the show. Tom Collins loses his love Angel to HIV/aids and during the funereal sings this to his love as he exits stage right. Oddly enough this is one song I can actually sing and every time I hear it it reminds me of not being loved and I can feel Tom’s pain every time I sing it or play it in my head it makes me so sad and just so alone that it feels like I will never find someone to share this song with. If I can’t ever find someone to share it and my somewhat limited vocal skill I feel like life is just not worth living for and that makes me want to just cry till I die how ever that may occur it’s late so I may not see replies till morning. I hate this time of year sometimes
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self.SuicideWatch
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Spending nye alone bc of anxiety won’t let me go to these music festivals with my friends but I am lonely af as well. So I’m getting stoned for nye by myself. We went on this road trip out somewhere and I didn’t know the plans really of where we were going and what the music was going to be at this music festival. And it’s like the worst thing in the world to me. Alcohol sucks and I stopped drinking. I hate clubs and this is basically just a bigger club outside on grass with more people. It’s supposed to be a beach as well but it’s just a dried up swamp. Driving them there like a good friend. But when I get home I’m going to smoke.
I am lonely. But I would be more lonely there in the crowd. I hate it. I get panicked and just walk away. But alone at least I can listen to my music. Be comfortable. Be stoned. And just chill. But anxiety and depression and panic and stuff is going to mess up my nye again like it’s done for years. I fucking hate nye. I hate it. It fucking sucks. Every year has been bad since ever. I should have just stayed at home with my family. But I’m in the middle of fucking no where. In some strange woman’s house. Just alone. Very strange time. But whatever.
I might update later just for funsies.
Hope I’m not breaking any rule.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I want my depression in some twisted way I wake up happy in the morning and instantly go "nobody wants you here, you're useless, why even bother getting up" in my head, purposefully, to end my happy mood until I catch myself and stop. Am I the only one that does this?
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else find themselves sitting not breathing? When I get anxious (right now) I find myself not breathing for extended periods of time it’s horrible. Trying to focus on slow steady breathes seems to make me even worse.
I hate it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Things that I liked about today so far **Maybe the only way to escape depression is gratitude.
Cicero, one of the senators of Rome in the early days of the empire is quoted to have said "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others."
I liked waking up early and going to the gym on an intense pre workout.
I like stepping outside in the cold to smoke and feel the warmth when I re-enter the building.
I like seeing the trees trying to survive the winter, how splendorous they are. In them I see people going through hard times and the beauty that exists within them.
I liked logging on to Runescape to escape reality for a couple of hours and talking to my friends on there. The fact that we have escapes is an amazing thing.
I liked seeing three girls meet each other outside and say "Hiiii how are youuuu?" and compliment each other. Instead of normally being irritated by that, I actually admired that people in reality share bonds and happiness with each other's presence, and it made me happy to see that.
I like the complexity of the mathematics that I'm doing and the fact that I'm doing it.
I like having a planned meeting with a group of people today for my class presentation in college.
I like having a picture of a God who constantly forgives and is deeply saddened by our unhappiness that becomes to hard to bear for some, versus a picture of an angry Colonel with zero mercy.
I like the fact that I have a place to resort to to write down the thoughts streaming from my mind.
I like the caprese sandwich I'm eating, with melted mozzarella, tomato, red peppers, pesto sauce.
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self.depression
|
Running really helps my Anxiety I’ve battled anxiety for about ten years, I’ve been actively searching for ways to “improve” for like 3 years now, since I had to quit university due to anxiety. I’ve tried the usual, yoga, meditation, mindfulness etc. All of them have helped me and I highly recommend people at least try it. But none helped as much as running.
I bought a treadmill a while back because I’m not running outside because that will make me anxious. And honestly, the endorphins it gives me, the peace of mind I receive, in that post run fatigue. My mind is just so still, and that usually lasts the rest of the day! Unless something actually happens. I’m not worrying if something will happen until it happens.
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self.Anxiety
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I can't stand being normal. I'm not a dumb guy, but I know people who are geniuses. I've met people who can teach themselves languages in just a week or two. I have friends going to Princeton and Berkeley. I've met talented musicians, talented speakers, talented mathematicians. I'm not a very worldly guy, these are just people I've met at school or work. I get that they probably have their own problems that they struggle with, but everyone has problems, so why shouldn't I want to be talented and have problems rather than be normal and have problems? If there are so many talented people just in my little corner of the world, there are probably just as many in every other city. I just feel out competed. There are too many people smarter or generally more talented than me. My place in the world is probably in a cubicle farm. At best, I might manage a cubicle farm, but anything more than that and I'll just be out competed by one of the many people so much smarter than I am. The problem is that I don't want to manage a cubicle farm. Ironically I've always been very competitive, and also very bad at winning anything. The only time I'm happy is when I'm at the top. If I'm the funniest person in the room or the smartest person in the class, then I feel alright, but watching people better than me get attention honestly kills me. I want to be the Bob Dylan, or the Julius Caesar, or the Elon Musk. The reality is that I'm nowhere near competant enough to become any kind of notable figure. If I had the kind of drive those people had, then I would be out in the world creating something right now instead of writing a reddit post. I think about killing myself every day. I don't think that this problem is relatable in any way. In reality, I'm just a baby who wants everything to be handed to them without putting in any effort. I don't work hard for anything. When I see something I want I don't become filled with some energy and purpose to get it, I just feel bad and pathetic because someone else got there before me. I'm sick of just floating through life, taking the easiest possible route, but I certainly don't have the willpower to make any real change in my life. I just hate myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im 28 male I lived with a single handicapped mother who tried hard to raise me but she was so controlling that she almost destroyed my self confidence and i noticed thag she always gets Agitated when im happy or in happy mood (she made me cry during my graduationof all the verbal abuse) , as she always said:"you dont do anything right"
But i always that at least she would have my back when it comes down to real stuff, when i got married and then divorced she sided with my ex to the point where she said that i destroyed the home and she failed to raise me right
That was almost a year ago, I'm starting to feel alone as in no one would care if i lived or died and im tired, im just so tired
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do other people think they are worth something? If so, how? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Im scared that if i lose my new job i'tll finally push me of the edge [deleted]
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self.depression
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Question When is a good time to give up? I have tried to end my life many times and continue to fail (obviously). I thought the last time I got it right. Except someone found me. I’ve tried to fix my brokenness. I am in therapy...try to fight my demons but I am just too tired. My biggest problem is guilt. It keeps me from trying one last time. Why would it matter if I let my family and friends down by ending my life? I would be dead. Why would it matter if I didn’t follow a safety plan agreement I had with my therapist? I am sure she has a ton of proof to show that there is nothing she could have done. I wouldn’t be around to see disappointment. For some reason no one is giving up on me..or at least that is what they say, but no one is around.... it is all just talk. When it comes down to it..no one will be there.. so why should I care? So when is it ok to jusfor give up and try one last time?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Chest angina in 18yo? My problems started after my first panic attack which had happened in October.
After that I had a lot of anxiety about my heart (bp 140/90) I was medicated with Zoloft for a while, it helped but I didn't want to become dependent on it and I had a lot of side effects. My bp with Zoloft was around 120/70
After some weeks the anxiety came back with horror, fear of the death and lump in a neck, stiffness in chest. My blood thyroid hormones were measured, everything's perfect.
The lump in a neck pretty much went away.
My bp is 140/70 now, I started experiencing chest pains that begin after changing my body position, going out in a cold environment. They last up to an hour, anxiety seems to be amplifying them.
Could it be chest angina? I was consuming quite a lot of caffeine (up to 500mg per day) during the summer and I'm medicated with 18mg methylphenidate for ADHD. (I was rarely taking caffeine with methylphenidate together as there are a lot of side effects after doing that, one of them is anxiety and increased heart rate).
I don't take methylphenidate now because of the high bp and my chest pains.
I have an appointment to the cardiologyst but until then I'll have all my trial exams.
I'm only 18 years old, is it really possible to have a chest angina at this age?
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self.Anxiety
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You blocked me today I noticed something was off a few days ago. I noticed that I couldn't see the stories if any that you post on snap chat. Then I see a screen shot from another friend's post about you talking about your future and it being scarying. It hurt me that you blocked me because I thought we were suppose to be my friend. So why block me? I guess we just be come people that exist thanks for that. If some one where to tell me that I would be in the place a year ago I won't believe them. I hate dealing with all this lose. No matter if it is for the better lose still sucks.
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self.offmychest
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I don’t know what to do If I do what most people would recommend and stay back I get to slowly watch as I lose one of the only things I care about over an agonizingly long period of time. But if I make a move and try to take what I want I run the risk of losing that and so much more that I’ve worked hard to create. There is no winning. Even if I do get what I want I lose as much as I gain. But I can’t bear to lose again after losing everything I’ve cared about ever. It’s so hopeless.
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self.offmychest
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I'm starting to see what I am to him. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I hate anxiety attacks that make me angry I burned my hand on the wood stove last night. It has caused a huge anxiety attack. I am doing my best at keeping it under control but I'm very angry right now. I'm fully aware how angry I am at ridiculous things.
I feel worthless. We are staying at husbands grandparents place in the middle of nowhere. I would love to live here. So would my husband but I feel shitty because we couldn't afford it. I feel shitty because I'm not as pretty as random women in the small town. I also don't hunt like them. My husband loves me and has been great through my attack.
I didn't have a wedding. Didn't want one and frankly we couldn't afford it. But his cousin is going to Vegas to get married. His uncle is asking what they want for a gift. He never gave us one(but did for our baby shower).
Its stupid. I don't care about the money or gifts or being pretty or hunting. But my anxiety apparently does lol .Its making me mad I'm ruining my vacation. Its making me annoyed at my kids accidents during potty training. Making me annoyed my husband is out hunting twice a day(even though I'm fine with it and I signed up for this lol)
I'm hoping a nap and a date with my husband will make it better. Thanks for letting me rant.
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self.Anxiety
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School is going poorly and I want to die. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Religious influence when experiencing depression. I’ve had people try to convince me that
“God won’t give you more than you can bare” and “when one door closes, God provides another one”
I grew up in a religious family and had church going friends. I was taught these things and even told that if I “truly believed” then I wouldn’t even feel depression. I bought into that when I was younger and actually felt more depressed that I wasn’t faithful enough. Also that I was somehow letting God down. Religion wasn’t the answer I needed at the time.
Has anyone ever dealt with this? Has religious belief helped or hurt you more at your lowest point?
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self.depression
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My dogs are the most disgusting beasts on the planet They are very well fed but they INSIST on eating one dog’s shits and it makes me want to fucking hurl.
They’re not hungry, there’s not shit everywhere, no, they just prefer to eat the freshly laid shits of the big dog.
I mean, why? WHY?! It’s so disgusting and I can’t even look at them after they do it.
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self.offmychest
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I think my mother hates me while going to school... I just couldn't do it
i missed quite a lot of school already and thats not a good thing for my mother, because that means a child curator (idk how do you call them outside of poland) may have to intervene and she wouldnt want that because that would mean trouble for her (especially if he notices how much she bullies me etc.)
so my mother was pissed off
she was really angry, and in one day she ruined everything
im just looking for ways to escape from here
so she came back from work and immediately started screaming that im worthless, that im lazy, that im not sad enough to be depressed, that she will not take me to a psychologist because fuck you, she started threatening me that she will have "real" depression because of me
she limited everything i had left (not much lol)
when she noticed i was typing this on my phone she started screaming
the worst fucking part is that she just doesnt give a shit about me
she already convinced my brother, so goodbye a chance to get help from him
and she just went to call everyone of her fucking facebook bffs ;));););););) to say "am i doing right? should i do that? fuck yes" and that im a worthless lazy piece of shit that fakes everything (probably the only reason for it is that i can hear it multiple times)
her "friends" all said that shes still not doing enough
i didnt hear what they said, but she started threatening me that she will start beating the shit out of me
also, she had the audacity to act like nothing ever happened and start saying "i love you, you are my son"
does she want to make me feel unloved? she alone made "i love you" or whatever lose any meaning for me
please let me die
please
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self.depression
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I am 17, and I've been through an emotional rollercoaster over the span of just over a week. This is something I wrote for myself 20 minutes ago, I do not expect it to make sense but this is just what I wrote out, I need help.
This all took began just a few days before new years eve.
The one person who I'd thought I'd always be able to talk and confide in is now back in the same pit as everyone else, 2018 is fucked hate my life, and just really want to die at this point. God, or whatever is there, please, kill me. Cause you showed your hand, I Ask for a simple little fucking sign to tell me my life will turn around, but I don't get that, instead, I just try and pass time that seems completely meaningless and I just want to fucking die. I lost the love of my life and at the same time my best friend, whether or not she believed she was is a different matter but to me, she was my best friend and now it is just fucking pain. I can't hang out with either of my best friends cause all I get is pain, I can't chat to any of my friends because I all get is pain, I can't fucking live anymore because all I feel, is pain, and regret. Regret because I didn't do everything I could to try and salvage what was so important to me. I'm a fucking failure and I don't see a point as to why I should move on in a world where all I feel is pain. I can't talk to anyone because they all say "it'll pass." But I feel like I lost my soul mate and everyone's "help" just really does nothing.
My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years told me she was starting to have feelings for my best friend.
She told him so she could be honest with him and herself.
My best friend told me that he had feelings for my girlfriend.
I told my girlfriend this knowing it would come out eventually at any rate.
After 3 days of her deciding she chose me, saying she still loved me.
That night, as we were going to sleep, my girlfriend and we were chatting over the phone when she says, she doesn't love me as much as she used to anymore. The same day.
The next day we had planned to go to a party, we went and we talked about us. She didn't love me as much as she used too but was confused so she wanted a break from us.
After about a day or two she was starting to feel really upset, I chatted with her about it and discovered that she was feeling less upset about us breaking up than she was just feeling pain and sadness for how much she thought she was hurting me with everything.
Realising this, I got really hurt and upset, but I told her I think that what she feels gives her what she needed to know about us and we broke up.
We never had a perfectly smooth relationship but I never really expected this.
This all took place between a few days before new years and two days ago. Today (8/1/2018) I've dug holes in my leg using my nail, had suicidal thoughts, I've looked over my balcony and thought instead of the height, but instead of whether it’d do the job, I felt like I was no longer in control of my body, and just genuinely wanted to die.
I am 17 years old and I feel like in just over a week I've had enough emotional pain for a lifetime. I know a lot of people have shit a lot worse than me but that doesn't stop this from hurting. I have a loving family, go to a good school and have nothing else really down about my life that isn’t out of my control (weight). I shouldn’t want to kill myself but I can’t really see a better future for myself.
Edit: Looking at other posts is making me realise more that other people need more help than I do, but if someone is willing to spare some time to help me, thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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have anyone experienced anything similar? happy new years! had a pretty amazing night last night, hope you had fun. :)
got pretty fucked atlast, after smoking some weed, and started having some weird delutions about me being insane, thinking most of my friends was just made up and all played by me in a simulation. this went on in an annoying loop for the whole time being high and i had to leave and chill outside, before heading home.
has anyone felt something similar? i also had a bit of audotary hallucinations, and am a bit confused wtf just happened
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self.bipolar
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I’m gonna fucking change right now I’m 18 years old (still in HS) and I feel like I’ve wasted my teenage years.I haven’t really lived how a teenager is “supposed” to live all because of my anxiety. I don’t really have any close friends and have no idea what I want to do with my life which caused my depression to get so bad that for the past 2 months I’ve been seriously considering suicide.I’ve been a complete mess. I’ve been feeling alone,and like I have nothing to offer
BUT instead of sitting in my room crying,feeling bad for myself and regretting the past,I’m gonna fucking do something about it.Hell I already made a step towards improvement.I actually contacted some people(I usually wait for people to call/text me first because I don’t want to feel like I’m annoying them).I know this may seem like nothing,but I haven’t done anything like this in YEARS.To add to that I also started going to the gym again this week and I already feel better.
I don’t know what hit me but all of the sudden I want to live,I want to love,do dumb shit just to do it instead of pussying out of everything and dreading the fact that I didn’t do it later.Im fucking done feeling worthless,I’m done ignoring my feelings and needs just for the sake of feeling safe in the moment.Im finally ready to step out of my comfort zone and fucking LIVE. I know I can do better than this,I am better than this. I’m excited about life for the first time since elementary school.I can’t wait to succeed and fail,love and get my heart broken,make friends and lose them,have fun experiences and embarrass myself.Im changing right fucking now, I’m not going to let my anxiety,fear and insecurities take control over me anymore. I have shit to give to this world and I’m taking over my life right now
Sorry for the long poorly formatted post I’m on mobile but I really wanted to get this off my chest
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self.Anxiety
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I'm done She is married, but is my love, she approached my severely lonely self, and became my best friend and lover...now she has found another person to sleep with (even though she says he can't make her orgasm like I can), and doesn't want anything more than friends with me...And now...now I've pushed too hard...that she is ignoring me...I can't live without her...I just can't...She made it clear to me...that I am truly undateable...unlovable...She was the only person on the planet to remember my birthday...and I threw it away...because it hurts so much...I just want it to stop...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Out of all people who wronged me, i hate myself the most
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self.depression
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Failed suicide last night, life is falling apart, what now? I thought I took enough pills to kill myself last night, but here I am. My life is a complete mess. I am going to fail my college classes because I haven't showed up to school in a couple weeks because I have been able to get out of bed to go to class. I have a 20 hour a week retail job that doesn't pay nearly enough to survive. It's literally been the only job I've been able to keep more than two months in my entire life though. My parents are finally about to drop the hammer on me and I'm about to kick me out of the house. I got no friends or family that will take me in, I also don't have any way of being able to support myself. I have been diagnosed bipolar by a mental institution, however I have never have had proper therapy or meds outside of that mental institution which was only for 2 weeks. I can't even afford to get to therapy or medications. My insurance doesn't cover shit for mental health, and I cannot afford even the copay. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really wondering if I should just die or maybe I should try again since I somehow survived?
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self.depression
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The burns aren't accidents. I do them to myself and lie to my family and few friends by telling them I graze the inside of the oven taking food out. Everyone thinks I'm clumsy because of the consistency they occur.
I cut myself a handful of times before, but it always took too long. So instead I take a lighter to a dull knife then to myself. It's quick and hurts like hell.
I don't do it because I want to die, I do it because it helps me cope with living. The pain from the burns and the scarring overwhelms the pain of exsistince.
I don't know why I'm making this post to be honest. Maybe people are right, self harmers just do it for attention.
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self.offmychest
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Highway terror I'm driving cross state to get home after thanksgiving and I'm kicking myself. It is a living nightmare. I don't at all feel comfortable driving fast. I always feel like my car is going to flip over. I know logically that other drivers can go around me but every time they do all I can think about is feeling like I'm in their way and making life harder for them. I feel so ashamed that I can't just drive confidently like everyone else.
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self.Anxiety
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I just wanted to say goodbye to someone Hi anyone who might read this,
As the title says, I just wanted to say goodbye to someone. I don't really want sympathy, or anything like that, I quite literally just wanted to feel like I've said a goodbye. I can't say it to the people I know, it'll just cause too many issues. For one, I'm almost positive that not only will I be stopped, but my life will be made far worse because of it.
I've been very careful this time. The only option I really have is an overdose, because I doubt I'll have the strength to cut (although I'll still try) and I've created a cocktail that will most definitely kill me, with the added bonus of both rendering me deeply unconscious and stopping stomach pumps, charcoal and pretty much any other emergency treatment from working if all goes wrong. They just kept giving me pills. So many high dosage prescription only medications for pain, seizures, my mental health - they knew about my suicidal tendencies too, so god knows what they thought was going to happen. I basically have my own little pharmacy and a bar right here and I know exactly what to do.
I'm 19, just under a month from my 20th birthday. I've barely lived, but I've also lived longer than I thought I would which is nice in some ways. Awful in others, definitely cemented in my brain that this is the right decision. I'm not throwing away a future, don't worry, because I don't have one. Ive been fortunate in many areas but at the same time my life has been bleak and it haunts me. I see no way past or out. I don't even have my health. I think it's too late, and tonight I feel like it's time.
I'm going to tidy my room and make sure it's clean. Ill write a short note apologizing and with my bank details and what to do with my belongings. Maybe I'll put a film on so I don't feel alone when I go.
If you've read this then thank you, I hope you have a good night
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self.SuicideWatch
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“I’m not doing it to upset you, okay? This is my problem. I want other people to tell me how they feel. But I’m not so sure I want to return the favor.” - Benjamin Alire Sáenz Anyone else relates way too deeply to this ?
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self.depression
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Lost my best friend and it’s all my fault. I lost the person I loved the most. I was greedy and I tried to have the best of both worlds. I convinced myself it would work. So when he called me, crying, and said he couldn’t do it anymore, I felt numb. Empty. I lost my best friend, the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my days with. I know that sounds dramatic. But he’s going to be the one that got away. I know he will. He was good to me. Supportive. Loving. He understood me. I lost my best fucking friend because I wanted more. When really I had just enough. I had everything I needed. I failed to see it. I hope with the time that passes and when we grow as people, maybe one day we can be together again. Unlikely. But hopeful. I guess right now I just have to focus on me. Even though I feel alone, more alone than I have in 3 years. I can’t look through my photos because there’s too many of us.
Fuck I’m sorry my mind is jumbled as fuck right now.
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self.offmychest
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Feeling down Hey y’all first time poster long time reader. Just wanted to post and get some advice. I was diagnosed as bipolar type 1 a year ago. And right now I’m feeling depressed after an episode of non stop energy and I know it’s going to take a while for me to come out of this spell. Anyone have any tips. I was seeing a therapist but stopped going when after I was leveled for a while. I’m on medication as well. Although I’m on medication I went through a manic phase of high energy through the month of December. I didn’t really notice. I’m bad at spotting my moods. I’m also just nervous because when I go through these episodes I make terrible decisions and I just got my life back together. I’m starting school tomorrow. Any advice would be great
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self.bipolar
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I need suggestions to deal with my anxiety disorder [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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When my account hits zero, that's when I'll kill myself Just wasting my money on food and weed constantly. Who cares. I saw this coming. Soon there won't be any money for gas. No time for work. Just death.
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self.depression
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Anyone get cured by taking meds? I ask because most things I read about meds for depression are that they can kinda work but tend to cause more problems than solve. I've had severe depression for 9 years. Im mentally exhausted all the time, liked usually 18 hours in the day, I don't feel like myself personality wise, and I'm not interested and excited in anything I used to be. Anyone cure this with medication? I've tried a variety of meds but never stayed on them too long because they weren't helping but making things worse. except for ritalin, that is such a strong stimulant that that worked but also felt like it was destroying my soul.
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self.depression
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Just had my tutor quit on me and cancelling all future sessions. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Weighted blankets help with anxiety when falling asleep I just bought a weighted blanket and now I'm hooked. I sleep more deeply and wake up less than I used to. It's marketed not only towards people with anxiety, but also other sensitivities like OCD and ADD. Something about the pressure on your body which simulates being held and releases calming hormones.
I'm no expert, but I am thoroughly enjoying my new blanket and thought I'd recommend it. :-)
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self.Anxiety
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Moved Out of State with Boyfriend After many months of working a shit job and submitting applications to other jobs while my boyfriend also applied to places my boyfriend got his dream job. The catch with this is that we had to move out of state. I was debating not going because I just had switched to a sales position at my job and wanted to give it a go because I mentally cannot handle the idea of not having a job right off the bat while we’re out of state.
Well, tonight’s our first night in our new apartment and we’re 8 hours from home. And I’ve broken down and cried three times.
My anxiety is eating me alive right now...obsessively thinking of the absolute worst things that could happen.
I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to start a new life here. I’m trying to stop drinking. I just want to quit living a life where I can’t even enjoy my life because my mind goes to the worst places. Because I quit my job to move down here I no longer have health insurance either and I’ve tapered off cymbalta because I can no longer afford the dr visits or the prescriptions themselves.
Currently just sitting here with my heart pounding. I don’t know how I’m going to make it here but something HAS to change./r/serious
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self.Anxiety
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I tried to fall in love I really hate how when I write a note I suddenly realize that I've only done the easy part. I said goodbye to the girl o fell in love with and still am 4 years ago. I still love her and I'm open about te baggage it's brought me and developed around it. I want to die I want to hang and be shot by a hail of bullets my brains blown out, drown or light on fire and simply die in my sleep, overdose anything. Madison W. I will die with you being their in my mind. Je t'aime. Tomorrow after work I will go downtown jump off a parking garage and poof. If you think you can stop me go ahead try it. Who's cares about some 20 year old college drop out who couldn't even handle highschool. Why can't I die in my sleep tonight.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Did you know? My allergist said the anti-psychotics can throw off the results of a skin allergy test.
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self.bipolar
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Help, I can't get out of bed. I know I should get going with my life instead of doing nothing but I have no motivation to move. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I raised her so high that now every woman in this world is doomed to live in her shadows. The title says it. She was everything I could ask for. A kind heart, an extra ordinary personality, thoughtful, full of positive vibes and what not. Sugar spice and everything nice. The way she loved me and to such extent. I don't know if I'll be ever able to find someone like her. Someone who could love me like that. Someone who I can love to this extent. She was always there for me. I was a failure but she never ever said a single world never made me feel that I am in fact a failure. She was my support and my only motivation. She was my whole world but sadly I realized this when my whole world crashed upon me and there was nothing left of it. I was a fool, I was ungrateful and I did not value the most important element of my life. The most important being.
We were together for 8 good years. I know her since 6th grade and I got together with her when I was 16. So essentially we grew up together. She was a victim of child abuse and that made me decide that I'll help this girl out and I'll bring her back up make her happy ...but along the way I fell in love with her because she had such a kind soul. I did everything I could to help her, sometimes at the cost of my own happiness. This and the fact that how could someone do such wrong things with a young innocent girl made me furious, furious as hell and there was nothing I could do about it. That's when I started smoking weed. To numb that pain n hatred and that was one of the many mistakes I made. She was my class fellow but I flunked. She was a topper and I hardly passed my subjects. Eventually she completed her bachelors while I still was stuck in my bachelors. A year behind. She wanted to see me every day no matter how tired she was or how late it was. Her headaches' cure was my voice. But as time passed I grew tired and became irritated by her telling me things she wanted help with every other day, to talk to her on call every night no matter if I was busy or if I had an exam the next day. I thought I would be fine if she ever left me but boy I was wrong. And so the time came near to plan about marriage the marriage. Being a failure and failing to fulfill most of the promises and thinking about how uncertain my life is, I could not provide her an answer. I was not sure if this time things will go as I plan, cus 9 out of 10 times my plans went sideways. I was so uncertain and so scared to promise her anything more. But I did not want her to wait n suffer cus of me. If for any reason I'm not able to marry her, not able to meet her parents expectations or not able to convince my own parents then she'd be the one who'll suffer the most damage.
So I made the greatest mistake of my life and said to "don't wait for me...if you find a good proposal"
She took her time..until she was finally through and it came as a surprise to me. Since we were happy n together just 2 days before. And when I really realized she is gone. I could not see anything ahead. Reasons vanished. The reason to work hard and earn this degree asap. It vanished. The reason to become financially stable and be on my feet asap was not there anymore. Lost all the reasons to do anything. The guilt still eats me to this date. I did wrong with her. I hurt her too much. I realized this when she was gone. We still talked, I still tried to earn her back. My love went to a whole new level. But it was then that I realized what I have been doing with her. How it feels when you just want to hold the hand of the person you love the most but they pull it away. Its terrible.
It's been 77 days since I last talked to her but it feels like decades upon decades and I could not take it anymore. I had to gift her a book, so I did along with a note telling her how it has been and if she could meet me.
I wait for her as I write this. An hour has passed and I guess she won't be coming today. Maybe it is because she might not had the chance to open the parcel today since it was delivered today.
Guess I'll have to give it a try this Sunday again.
The title is derived from a quote written by Ranata Suzuki
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self.offmychest
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Relationship imploded I've done it again. Had a decent relationship going and then fucked it up due to mood swings. I was honest since I know what I have since July but gotdamn. I'm tired of losing relationships because of this. Idk what to do because I am the problem. I loved him and now idk if I will hear from him again or he needs time. Am I alone? Does anyone else struggle with romantic relationships?
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self.bipolar
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I think I'm right below a threshold I'm 29 and I got the job offer I've been working toward for 4 years. I've been shot down for years every time I tried to move into this field, but through a small part strategy and a huge part luck I finally got my big break. It happened so quickly. I accepted. It's a 21% raise. I'm one week into my two weeks notice at my old job.
Turns out I need a drug test. I smoked weed 18 days ago, three puffs at a Halloween party. I smoke maybe 3-4 times a year. I live in a state where it's legal.
I peed in the cup today. I've had suicide as a back up plan for a long time now, and it will be time to move forward with it if I fail the drug test. I've been panicking quietly this evening until I decided this is the thing I would kill myself over. I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of having so little control of what happens to me. I feel like I've been divided into pieces, and one piece makes me either entirely useless or useful. And employers, friends, family, everyone just chooses what piece they're going use. And as more time goes by there are more pieces that if people notice them, make me worthless. And I'm not even sure what those pieces are so I can fix them.
This would make too many more pieces worthless.
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self.SuicideWatch
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relationship anxiety How do you cope with anxiety in relationships? I'm constantly worrying about my relationship (being with someone is terrifying, isn't it?) and then worrying about how it looks to my s/o. It just compounds on top of so many other things.
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self.Anxiety
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Feels like there's only one option for me I'm 19. Almost 20. I have no friends. I used to have friends at school but I realise I only needed them for company and not to seem like a loner. I never contacted them outside of school. I had counselling at school in year 11 but it did not help, in fact I remember another student who had the same counsellor told me that my counsellor said to them that I was weird. That made me feel worse and not want to get help. The idea of going to college, essentially a new school, terrified me. Social anxiety has plagued my life since I was about 11. I am awkward in social situations and have selective mutism. This made it very hard to make new friends. I was lucky to have the friends I had in secondary school because they were friends from since primary school. Anyway I tried to give college my best shot, first impressions and all but I failed. After about four months I just got tired and depressed and did not speak to anyone in class anymore. I didn't make any friends so during breaks I would either hang around some people who I knew from secondary school or I'd just go into the toilets and play on my phone for an hour or however long. I would constantly be sweating whenever I got near college, just the thought of that sense of alienation, not belonging or fitting in anywhere. My sleeping got really bad, I'd only have a couple hours of sleep each night or none at all. All of this affected my performance and I got sort of average to poor grades. I had no clear path of what I wanted to do. Whenever teachers would ask me if I'm going uni or apprenticeship or whatever I would just shrug. I don't have any passions or hobbies. I have no talents or life skills. I ended up going to uni through a clearing course somehow. I moved to a new city and the first couple of days of meeting my flat mates it seemed OK. We were all doing similar courses but my social awkwardness and anxiety prevailed and I couldn't get anywhere with them. I didn't worry because I thought I would make friends on my uni course. The first day was dreadful, and the second day, and the third day. No one I talked to seemed to reciprocate any sort of interest. I was a loner again. I eventually just skived off uni all together and stayed in my room for about two weeks and not speak or contact anyone at all. My mum eventually drove all the way here and found me and I ended up dropping out of uni and going back home. Now I've been stuck here for a year and I haven't done anything. No job. No friends. I don't even desire to have friends anymore. I don't desire anything. I give up on everything. I simply do not care about others any more or myself. It feels like suicide is the only option for me nowadays. Sorry this is really long.
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self.depression
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I feel like a prisoner in my own mind I'm actually getting to the point where I'm losing all hope. I've always wanted to create something, I feel like a creative person, but I just can't seem to "export" anything I imagine. I start writing it, and read it back, and it's dogshit and makes no sense. I feel like I can't communicate with anyone, and I'm just going to be living in my own imaginary world my whole life without ever giving anything back.
I love movies. I've wanted to make a movie for so long, but I can't. None of the ideas I like make sense to other people, and none of the ideas that make sense to normal people interest me.
I've just found out I'm an INTP, which explains a lot, but the more I read about it, the more despondent I get. Virtually all INTPs live and die alone (which was my plan anyway) and accomplish nothing (definitely NOT the plan) because they're too easily distracted and they're perfectionists.
I've started on so many creative projects over the years, working on them for days, weeks, or months, and then just dropping them because I either get bored or realize the project is a total embarassment. I can't do it anymore. Every failure kills a small part of me.
All I ever wanted was to create something people would enjoy, I don't give a shit about careers, money, friends, dating, ANYTHING else. I slave away at my minimum wage job and then I come home and dig and dig and can't come up with anything worthwhile.
I feel like my brain's going to explode if I don't empty it. Maybe I'll just blow it out of the back of my skull.
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self.offmychest
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On friendship and anxiety... So, where to begin? I dunno, I guess I feel conflicted by a remark of someone else. I described that I get anxious when I want to text this co-worker and that I find myself really wanting to hang with him. This person asked me if I was in love with him. It got me thinking, or rather overthinking about the friendship I have with my co-worker and I would like a neutral view on this friendship (or more). (Me 34/m him 31/m)
I've been a loner for most of my years and I'm anxious, but working on that through therapy. I find myself longing to not be alone, to have true friends and to have a good time. I have let friendships and contacts pass me by for the longer period of my life. Not going to parties or seeking out a deeper friendship with people I know. At sports I was the quiet guy who shows up, plays the match, sticks around but doesn't really interact. Up untill 6 months ago I would spend most of my weekends alone gaming most of the day and not really seeking out interaction with people that I know. I have zero friends left from highschool/study as I either didn't reach out to them or let it fade away. The contact and friendship I do have are mostly work related. As a teacher I often find myself surrounded by female co-workers. This all was fine for the longer period of my life.
2 years ago a male co-worker joined at school. Around my age and rather socialable. He's a relaxed, somewhat "surf-dude" attitude guy. Goes with the flow. He's an excellent co-worker that teaches P.E. and has a broad knowlegde of sports himself as well as practises a couple. For the first year I didn't really open up towards him, same as I always did. Sure we had laughs at school, some drinks at school together but nothing more. Eventually we started being more drawn to eachother as contacts, good co-workers. The first time something clicked was during Kingsnight (dutch..). Last june he casually invited me to his birthday. It spiralled my thoughts and myself out of control. A person like him, liking me and inviting me to his birthday? Are we friends? Are we good? Why would he do that? It was a good birthday that lasted till 6.00 am, The day after I spend most of the day mentally beating myself up wondering if this was friendship, how this could be, does he like me etc.
Suddenly someone had passed my guards, jumped over them and reached out to me after not knowing what I was missing out on all those years. He, perhaps unknowingly made me realise that I do long for friends and bro's and that I do want to have a good time in the weekend. My self image got turn upside down and I began to fight and rejecting parts of me. I blamed myself, I struggled, I didn't love myself and after a couple of sessions it became clear that this was normal for me. That I've always done this and that I've never really loved myself.
At the same time I realized this co-worker could become a friend. And for the first time in forever.... I began investing in said friendship. I started reaching out during summer holiday (6 weeks of no work, 6 weeks of anxiety!) He also started reaching out to me, asking me to join along for a couple of festivals. I went to his new home to help him paint the walls and a few times. When school started again in August we'd done several very friendship things together. I told him I was struggling with myself and opened up a bit towards him.
And here we are now. I've done quite a lot and do consider him a true friend. Something that I've missed. It makes me feel anxious on a frequent basis. Why me, why do I deserve him, how can he be friends with me when he knows so many people and yet he wants to spend time with me as well. It makes me feel very uneasy and insecure. We've been going to soccer matches together, theatre visit and reaching out to each other. I just ask if he has plans, he somewhat more actively arranges things.
At school we have an "appriciation stone".... that we pass to eachother. I chose him because of his work and that he does a lot for the school. That evening I got a text that he was moved by it. On another occasion he helped me with by listening and offering advice after I had a falling out with my mother (about all thos anxious issues). For secret santa I gave him a present and a thank you note that I appriciate him being there for me in though times and that I value the bond I have.
I keep struggling with the notion of his friendship though. He even said there's no need for insecurity directed towards him and that he likes to spend time with me as well. And yet I keep worrying, am I not too pushy/needy, won't I screw it up. I keep panicking when its weekend (weekends are difficult...) and wonder if it's okay to reach out to him. After reaching out I instantly regret it. And often he's busy with sports or something. It's ok and I understand that he has a bigger social network then I have.
I find myself liking the time I spend with him and looking for the next moment. We've got several things planned including another soccer match, a weekend away and some theatre/concerts. I text him when, after an hour struggling with anxiety, when I feel alone or rather want to seek out friendship. This mostly happens in the weekend. I worry if I don't come across as desperate and am afraid that I will ruin it by asking.
After typing all of this I believe this is friendship mixed in with persistant anxious thoughts, love for a friend. Perhaps I could be oblivious. I do think about him on frequent basis. I also find myself admiring his looks, because he certainly has a strong physique and I am look like a twig and general displeased with how I look. He matters a lot in my life at the moment, seeking his companionship allows me to forget my own self doubts and feel valued as someone likes to spend time with me. So I ask you, random internet strangers for your insight and advice. Any wise advice/thoughts/views to share on this specific matter? I've never really been in love before, girl or guy.
tl;dr: After years of no true friends at all, I've befriended a co-worker and find myself actively involved in deepening and maintaining this friendship. It's giving me all kinds of anxious thoughts. I like spending time with him and there are moments I wonder what he's doing and what he thinks of me. I keep being worried that I'll ruin the bond we have and that I am too needy/pushy. He's at the moment one of the few friends I have. I want to spend time with him. During the weekends I wonder what his plans are and if we can join up. Am I confusing friendship with a crush, am I in love or is this my anxiety mixed with friendship?
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self.Anxiety
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If he loved me then I would have been okay. [deleted]
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self.depression
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It never stops I’m on mobile so apologize in advance for formatting and typos. I also apologize that this will be a wall of text.
I can’t take anymore. This past year has been the hardest of my life and it just keeps getting worse. I was married in October of 2016. A wedding is obviously expensive and we cut every corner possible on the price. But it was still an expensive day regardless. My husband and I had recently moved as well. He had been promoted and we moved out of state for his job. This meant I had to leave my job. It took 3.5 months for me to find a new job. At that point, we were paycheck to paycheck and behind on a few bills.
We were also dealing with a nasty custody battle for my husbands daughter. It had been ongoing for a year and a half and wouldn’t end until this May. When it came to an end, finally, we were nearly 20k in credit card debt, had 0 savings, and my husband had borrowed against all his 401k. Without the lawyer to pay each month I thought things would finally get easier. Nope.
I lost my job in July. That month, our rent increased $200 and my husbands child support increased by over $600. My former employer screwed me out of over 1k on my final paycheck. We were now behind on every single bill. In September our phones were shut off (I’m on my work phone). Thankfully, it took me a little over a month to get a new job. Before my first paycheck, we were in a bad place. Barely enough to eat. Barely enough money for gas etc.
I was finally paid and thought things would start to look up. Nope. The very next day my husbands car payment posted twice. It overdrafted us and we had no food or gas. We were stranded at work. It took the bank over a week to fix it. In that time, I was able to borrow $40 from my sister to help us get through. We had already paid other bills before it double posted so we saw over draft after over draft come through. Because the car payment posts from our joint account and the bills we paid come from our personal accounts, the bank wouldn’t waive the fees. We were now even further behind.
During the past year, we also dealt with a mouse infestation and a home that was falling apart. The landlords refused to do maintenance or pest control. There was mouse shit everywhere. The mice were everywhere and in everything. Once spring came, the mice attracted snakes. So then we had a snake problem to deal with instead of a mice problem.
In October, we were too far behind to ever catch up. We couldn’t pay on debt. We could hardly even feed ourselves. I haven’t been able to afford contacts or my meds for nearly 7 months. We had no choice but to declare bankruptcy. We filed a chapter 13. The silver lining of this is that we could get out of our lease. We worked with our landlords and vacated promptly. This wasn’t cheap. Because we had gotten behind on literally every bill, we lost our trash service. We had nearly 30 bags of garbage in the garage (with mice enjoying the ever living fuck out of our problem). I had to rent a dumpster to dispose of the trash. Then, the truck we rented for the move was four times more expensive than was quoted. Back into the spiral we went.
I had to take unpaid time off for the move. So there was yet more money gone. But we were going to make it!! We just had to get through until pay day then we could finally start to recover with the bankruptcy under our belt. I started feeling hopeful. That was stupid of me.
This morning I woke up and checked my bank account. We were down to our last $80. It was just enough to get us food, dog food, and gas until pay day next week. But it wasn’t there. A negative amount was there instead. Capital One, somehow, charged my account for another person’s credit card payment. And just like the last fraudulent charge, my bank will need over a week to reverse the charge. I’m now out of options and hope. We can’t make it to work. We have no gas. My dogs are out of food and the only food we have is 2 packs of ramen.
Through all this, I’ve had terrible chest pains. I’ve gained 20lbs from the stress and poor quality food we have to buy because we can’t afford to eat healthy. I’ve reached a breaking point at least ten times already. I have to carry a paper bag with me because I now get panic attacks often. But I have to keep a smile on my face and pretend everything is fine. I can’t tell my family or friends about what’s happening. It’s incredibly mortifying. But at this point, today, when I saw the only shred of hope I’ve had in so long gone, I just broke. I can’t take this anymore. I had to get off my chest.
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self.offmychest
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i dont understand this everywhere i look i feel like i see these people just living their lives being fake. girls are to pretty, guys are to hot and i just feel like im nothing. i long for someone to call my own, but i feel i will never have that. i feel im to ugly to be with. is there anyone else who feels like this?
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self.depression
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Feeling hopeless I have very few days that I feel happy. Genuinely happy. Like nothing could go wrong.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I would continue to wake up. I woke up this morning and checked my bank account and my bank overdrafted me over $100 and I never spent any of my money. My fiancé has a serious medical condition and is on restriction so every bit of money I make helps him out. Now, bc I’m so negative in my bank account, idk what to do. I feel like I screwed up, like I’m worthless, like I’m a waste of space. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
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self.depression
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The pharmacy gave me a good honest spook! My venlafaxine (antidepressant) refill was delayed because I just switched insurance and my new PCP hadn't thrown my refill stuff into the system, so I had to do without for a few hellish days. I also took my couple and family therapy final this evening, so I've been stressed out over studying all week in addition to Seasonal Affective Fuckery. Yeah, it's been A Week.
So I get to the pharmacy after class and the tech goes, "Your prescription was denied, it's $101-something without insurance." WAT?!
She talked to the pharmacist and it turns out it was a mistake in the computer and it was only like $10. But still, man. Bullet dodged, back on the proper meds, and feeling much better now that I'm done with finals.
My jimmies were rustled for a minute, though! I need to set up some sort of reminder system for myself so I don't end up in a bind with refills, since they all seem to come due at different times. Now, to fill my old-lady pill box with my goodies...
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self.bipolar
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I feel like I'm in fucking high school - the girl I like kissed another guy at a party and I want to die. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Waiting gor the to sleep so i can cry again Here i am once again with teary eyes
Wanna cry but scared they might enter my room. It's hard when no one knows what you're going through, you have to hide even little bit of crying. Someone take me away please? I might as well take my own
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self.depression
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Just got done confronting my Mom... I have only been diagnosed for a while and am not quite comfortable explaining my situation. I don't really want to to share my Bipolar story with everyone until I have a better understanding of what I'm going through.
Enter my Mom, who thought it was perfectly okay to share it with my Aunts and Uncles because she couldn't stand to tell them I was still searching for a job one year later, so she dropped the bomb that I'm Bipolar. She also told me that my siblings had told one of my cousins who so happens to be the center of the fucking family gossip ring. I am so mad. I'm not angry that family knows (I would have told them eventually), I just wish that I could have told them myself. I'm really mad at my mom and whichever of my siblings didn't recognize that THIS WAS SOMETHING I WANTED TO KEEP PRIVATE. My mom especially because we had had a specific conversation about my privacy in the matter. Besides that I do not want this going beyond the family. I have suffered too many personal and professional consequences because I have told someone, and I don't want that to happen again. Now I have to worry about someone in my large family spilling the beans to someone important. And now I have to spend a shit tonne of energy trying to clean up this mess. I wish I had the choice to not tell them in the fucking first place.
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self.bipolar
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how do you tell when to tell? ive been really struggling with if and when to tell people. i've told a few close friends. i kind of want to explain my fuckups at university (im a phd student so its probably a bit different and i could talk to coordinators etc) so they get why and know that im going to hopefully get better. are there good outward signs of people who are going to be accepting or do you just have to probe hard? i don't like using it as an excuse or anything but sometimes its good for some people to just know WHY you do the stuff you do i think; but some people would stigmatize it so much it wouldn't be worth it.
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self.bipolar
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Everyone has left me and nobody ever stays everyone lies. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sweaty hands & feet Never experienced this until recently. I don't consciously feel anxious, but my hands and feet will start feeling really cold, then I feel a slight breeze, and they become soaking wet with sweat. It happens especially when I'm hungry.
Is it anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm guilty of depression. I have no motivation to come to work anymore and I feel like I am losing my job. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I want to suicide but if I do it,it would tear apart my parents. I actually have no point to live for and I always think about suicide.I tried to fix my life but it came to a point that I can't actually fix it.I just want to and it all but if I do it,my parents and my sister couldn't get over it.My brother died at the age of 12.It's been 13 years but we still didn't get over it so I think if I suicide it would tear them apart.I don't know what to do actually,I just wanted to talk.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Ever since my man lil peep been ded, things haven’t been then same, I am thinking about using bleach for my pill that I take tonight just to end it all, then I will truly be an underground rapper with my man lol peep #2MUCHCLOUT [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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The only revenge I can get on my students I am a teacher in a very large city. The students are worse this year than ever before and they are driving me insane.
I am a daily coffee drinker and it gives me gas. So every day, when it comes time for it, I crop dust the worst kids in the class. I put them all in a group together so I can get as many of them as possible.
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self.offmychest
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Dad needs help with son's bipolar 2 My 18 year old son was diagnosed a few weeks ago with bipolar 2 with psychotic features. Prior to this he was being treated for anxiety with zoloft. About a year ago he started smoking pot to help with the anxiety and convinced me that it was better for him than zoloft. As of last October he started zoloft AND weed. Since then he's had deep depression and some scary "rages".
He agreed to go see a psychiatrist and that's when he got the diagnosis. The doctor prescribed Latuda but he complained about extra anxiety, then when the dose went up to 40mg he had a severe reaction of akathisia and panic attack.
So he stopped taking it and we have an appointment in a few days with the pdoc.
He keeps insisting that we find a drug with no side effects or he goes back to smoking. He thinks the doctor is stupid and isn't worried about how THC might make paranoia worse.
I don't think he knows just how irritable he is almost all the time. I walk on tiptoes worrying that something I say will trigger a 2 hour lecture. Looking at other med options it seems Seroquel might be better since it helps with anxiety but he looked at the side effect list and balked.
How do I convince him to keep trying until he finds something that works for him? This seems like a catch 22, he thinks he's smarter than the pdoc but that belief would go away on the right med.
I love my son! I want him to feel "normal". But nothing in my life has prepared me for how to handle this.
UPDATE 1/29:
After hearing about how severe my son's panic/anxiety is the pdoc prescribed 5mg valium 3x day for the next 4 weeks (and stay on 100mg Zoloft). In the mean time he is supposed to start cognitive therapy and meet with their counselor twice before his next pdoc appointment. The pdoc was going to prescribe seroquel but my son complained that he read the side effects and didn't like it. I don't see how this can be a long term solution but I'm not the expert.
After just a few hours on valium my son has his appetite back and his hands stopped shaking. I think these symptoms got worse the longer he went without weed. (he had to stop for a surgery in a week). He says he doesn't need to smoke if he can feel this normal...ok maybe once on the weekend...
I am truly grateful for all of your comments!
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self.bipolar
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Goodbye, dad. You piece of shit. Im living with a dad who only cares about his job. He's a sociopath in my view. He makes me help him with his job 24/7. Ive worked and studied my ass off. At the end, I get no money and I do horrible at school.
He cares for me at some points. But im tired of life. I love my mother, she's always helpful. But I give up.
My dad made us move from Michigan to a shitty country because of the lack of Islam in Michigan compared to the country I live in. I hate it. No power. Small house. Food is toxic. It's shit.
My parents are at the restaurant. I wrote a 5 page book of my will and it's under my pillow. I have the bleach bottle 5 inches from my feet at this moment. I'm locking myself in my closet and drinking as much as I can.
As soon as I hit "post", I'll be dead. Goodbye Internet. Thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is it right for someone to tell you, “I have it worst than you”? A genuinely curious question. I have this friend who’s getting bullied online. We both are. But he told me several weeks ago, “Shut up. Stop fucking complaining all the damn time” (do note that I was trying to get the site to fix its cyberbullying issue). “Because clearly some people have it worse than you.” It was obvious that by some people, he was referring to himself.
Ever since then I kind of shut up literally about everything. But I’ve also been thinking. It is a fact that some situations can get worse than others. But what would that mean for people who don’t have it as bad as them, yet still feel awful about the circumstances?
Ever since that day when he told me that, I’ll just be honest. I’ve kind of felt worse than ever. Was it right for him to say that? Or did he have every right because I was overreacting? Should I have just endured those comments online? Or should I have pushed further to make them stop so that my friend wouldn’t be bullied anymore- so that he wouldn’t feel so depressed?
Do I even have the right to have depression if I don’t have it that bad?
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self.depression
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I had to give away my dog two years ago. (very long) /// I edited this for readability and flow. My first draft was an an emotional ramble. Content is the same!
I adopted a dog in 2010. He was the first dog that was truly mine, not a family pet. I got him shortly after moving out of my parents' home.
This dog turned out to be everything I wanted in a dog. He was extremely clingy and affectionate. He loved to cuddle and sleep behind my knees with his head on my butt. He was protective, which made me feel safe as a 25 year old woman living alone in a sketchy part of town. He was so silly and cheered me up when things were rough. He was kind to every living creature and loved cats more than anything. He was housebroken from the day I brought him home; he never had a single accident and didn't destroy stuff. He was very food and toy motivated as well as intelligent so he was very easy to train. He loved that going in my car meant he was going somewhere fun with me, but he hated actual car rides. He would be so excited to go in the car, but when he got in he would curl up on the floor of the backseat and stick his head under the driver's seat until we got to our destination. He was reliable off leash and listened so well. I never had to worry about losing him or having him leave my side to start trouble.
In 2014, severe and debilitating depression reared its ugly head in my life. I left my job and moved home. I brought my dog with me. We lived there together while I tried to get help and find another job close to my parents' home. I found a job and HATED it. I wound up staying in that job for a year until they fired me. It was truly a bad fit, but being fired ate away at my barely present self-esteem.
After a couple of months of unemployment, my parents started pushing me hard to find another job. I wasn't ready mentally or emotionally. I was still very depressed and I was certain going back to work would end the same way the previous job did. The medications they put me on really messed with my cognitive function and memory. Finally, I pretended that I got a job just to get my family off of my back. Every weekday, I would dress up in business casual and take my laptop to Starbucks or a library and stay there from 9-5 as my severance and savings dwindled and I maxed out my credit cards.
One day, my sister's boyfriend spotted me at Starbucks while I was supposed to be at "work." He told my sister, who told my parents. They kicked me out for lying to them and being "lazy." I asked if they would take care of my dog until I could figure out a plan. They told me he was my responsibility and I had to figure out what to do with him. They said they were tired of cleaning up my messes.
A friend was willing to take me in, however I had to find a place for my dog because he lived in a rental that didn't allow dogs, and there was no way I could hide a 70 lb dog from his landlord for an undetermined amount of time. I reached out to a rescue in my state that temporarily boarded animals to keep them out of the shelter when their owners were in transition, but they were unwilling to take my dog because his bordetella vaccine wasn't given 14-28 days prior, despite it being given in the recommended 6 month window (It was given 6 weeks prior). They told me they would take him in two weeks if I got him vaccinated that day and waited two weeks for his immunity to reach a maximum. I didn't have two weeks to spare. My savings was gone and if the landlord found my dog we would be charged $500, which both my friend and I didn't have to spare. If we didn't come up with it we would be evicted, leaving not only me homeless again, but also my friend and his family which included two kids under 4 years old.
I adopted my dog from a county shelter and it was in my adoption contract that if I could not keep my dog, he HAD to be returned to them. I had to walk him to the kennel myself because he refused to leave me and go with the kennel assistant which broke me up in ways I can't even explain. My dog was 10 years old and he had arthritic hips. He refused to go outside when it rained and laying on heater vents was one of his favorite things in the world. It was February and the lows at night were in the teens. Keeping him with me and living in my car (which I didn't have money to pay for gas to run it all night) would be selfish and make him miserable, even if it was temporary. I also didn't know exactly when I would come out of this and if I would even turn out okay.
I was previously involved in my local rescue community so when they found out I "dumped" my dog at a "kill" shelter, I got some nasty emails and messages and even death wishes. Thankfully, the staff at the actual shelter I surrendered him to were absolutely WONDERFUL. An adoption counselor called me to let me know my dog was pulled by a rescue organization the day after I surrendered him, and that he was safe. She thanked me for putting in the work and training to make him into such a highly adoptable dog. She acknowledged how upset I was when I took him in and reassured me that it would turn out okay, and that I did the right thing. She got me in touch with a social worker who helped me get the assistance and resources I needed to get through that period of my life.
I followed the rescue that took him on Facebook. I saw the post they made demonizing me for dumping him because I was moving and didn't want to bother taking my senior dog with me. I don't understand why some rescues make up stories to make the previous owner seem horrible. Do they think a dog with a sob story of abuse and neglect would be more adoptable than a dog who was loved, but his owner experienced a hardship and had to make the hardest decision of her life to let him go? I also read so many comments from people saying they hope my children dump me in a neglectful nursing home when I'm old and they don't want to be bothered by me. They said they would live in a tent if it meant they would be able to keep their dog. Keyboard activists don't realize how unrealistic those statements are when they're typing them from the comfort of their heated homes.
A week after he entered the rescue, my dog was adopted by an older retired couple. A comment on his adoption photo said his new mom cried when she was told she was approved to adopt him. I cried too when I found out he would be safe and loved for the rest of his life. I wish I could share all of the stories, photos, and videos about my dog's previous life with his new owners. I wish we could bond over what an amazing and wonderful dog we were fortunate enough to have in our lives, even if it was just for a little while. I hope they appreciate how sometimes when he lays with you, you'll randomly hear his tail start banging against the couch and you'll notice he's looking at you like he remembered how happy he is that he's with you. I hope they found the spot on his chest that makes him groan and roll his eyes back when you scratch it. I hope they realized how much he loves to eat cucumber skins and salami. I hope they take him to the beach in the summer to roll around and coat himself in sand after attacking the waves. I hope they feel the way I did when I woke up and saw his face two inches from mine with a concerned look on his face, and then pure joy when he realized that I was awake. Mostly, I hope they love him the way I know he loved me.
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self.offmychest
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Earth Feels Like a Linear Videogame with the Illusion of Open World I'm suspended from work until Friday because I snapped and told my boss what a load of horseshit I thought something was. Anyway I'm gonna look for something different but, I honestly don't give enough of a shit about anything to surrender 8 hours a day 5 days a week for the next 40 years of my life too. The thought of doing so just makes me think "why bother?" I'm just gonna end up living the exact same day over and over again. Knowing there are infinite possibility of things I could be doing instead of being trapped at a job I can "tolerate" pisses me off even more. Anyone feel like this? I can't subscribe to life script 1.0 but I see no alternative
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self.depression
|
I have one month to change my life I was depressed last year but after landing a good job I thought I was over it and stop going to my therapist. After the job ended it all came back.
Now I have one month to finish school and if I don't pass the tests and finish my thesis I'll get deported from the country I'm living currently. Everyone else in my class graduated over a year ago so I can't even see them without feeling like a failure. I don't know what to do everytime I try to work I end up watching TV or being lazy all day. Today I watched 13 hours of Netflix, I don't know if that's so bad but for me is awful.
I've been getting this thoughts of jumping of my window more frequently, but what stops me is what will my family and my friends will feel.
I guess that's the worst part having a supportive family, friends and girlfriend who love me, but I can't be honest to them I just keep faking I'm happy but inside I just feel like a failure. I just want it to stop.
Tomorrow I'll call my therapist again, I don't like her but I don't know what else to do. I can't tell anyone about what's going on.
Sorry for this type of post, it's the only place I thought I kind of fit right now.
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self.depression
|
I am sitting here with random javascript up on one of my monitors to look busy I am the only one in my company who does what I do and I really dont feel like working today. Put a bunch of javascript up on one of my monitors from a previous project because I know anyone that looks at my screen will not know what the hell is going on.
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self.offmychest
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Reddit, I need your advice on whether I should talk about it I have a friend (let's call her Jane) with whom I thought I had close friendship because of many reasons so I once opened up to Jane and tried and explain how due to my anxiety I over analysis everything and to what extent which over the course of some days also lead to me opening up to her about my depression. However, I'm not sure if it is my mind or just some other factors but I think our friendship has been fading away since that confession and I can't just end it because we go to same school and classes so we have a lot of projects on which we have to work together because it is too late to change. I have asked her if we can talk sometime later today evening and she agreed to. I have this feeling that I'm a toxic person who is bringing her down and I want to ask her this directly but I'm sure she is a good person and will never say that to me but I still want to talk to her about this. Now I'm confused whether talking about it will make it worse or not? Do you think that I should talk to her about why I feel that our friendship is fading and why I'm toxic or it is better to keep it myself? Also I'm planning on having this conversation over call, do you think that I should have this in-person instead? I would really appreciate any inputs on this.
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self.depression
|
Anxious on what to do Hey guys and gals,
So I'm going for a job interview that doesn't relate to the medical field (which I work in now) but I am drawn to it because of me being almost complete with my masters in management. It pays good money but I would only be going for the job for the moment also the experience I can gain as a manager. I wouos onoy stay in the jib for a few yeats until i get into nuraibg school. My goal is to go to nursing school but I haven't even started my prerequisites yet due to being worries about how my resume will look. I have slot of different jobs on my resume. but mostly medical field related because it's something I have a genuine knack for. I'm just anxious as I haven't really started to live my life yet and need the jib because of the good salary so I can afford to live on my own and afford things. I suffer from anxiety and its always held me back in my life but I want to be able to finally achieve my freedom and live my own life and be happy. I just wanted to cent and ask for advice.
Thanks
|
self.Anxiety
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My will to live is the only thing keeping me going anymore [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I really hate my life I'm 25 years old. I am so alone all the time. And it has been this way since undergrad. People say I'm funny and nice but no one wants to hang out with me. Most people I know in this city don't stick around and leave and I'm not even from this country. I'm 25 and I have never kissed a girl. The few people who I interact with sometimes tell me how they haven't had sex in a few months or they keep having new boyfriends/girlfriends. I get really upset when I hear that because I have never had those experiences even though I really want them.
Most people look at me different because of the color of my skin. One of the people I'm closest to, said that she would never date guys from my place. I'm doubting everything about my body and every day I panic about being a virgin forever and feeling this upset. I'm even having dreams in which my hair just keeps falling off and I get bald. My personality is supposed to be great because people who interact with me want to meet again. But it is so hard to get any first interaction because they judge me by face and color. I don't know if it's a horrible face but I'm starting to think it is. I feel so dperessed and suicidal and I think my personality is starting to change too. Then I'll be truly alone. I really hate my life and I don't know what to do about this. It seems like such a vicious cycle and everyday a bad look from someone on the street can send me into a mental spiral.
|
self.SuicideWatch
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