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I just want to be done... I don't even know where to begin... I've had really bad depression since I was a kid, I'm 20 now, and I just feel like I have nothing to live for. Everything is just so pointless to me. I dropped out of high school, all I do is work and go home to myself. I have no one here for me. I've been through so much fucked up shit all my life, shit I should've talked to someone about a long time ago but I never will, I'm too prideful to come off as vulnerable by any means. All of this seems so petty but I just don't know how to explain half of the shit ive been through. But the only real reason I've never tried to kill myself in the past is because I don't want to fail at it, I've wanted to end it for years now. I was finally able to get a gun recently, and i know how I am, I'm going to use it on myself. It's so fucking hard not to do it right now. I want to so bad and I'm just going back and forth trying to talk myself out of it. But realistically I just can't see myself here much longer.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Seroquel is ruining my life: An update, or, A game of halving doses. So I FINALLY got in touch with my doctors office. I called two more times after leaving my initial message yesterday about how Seroquel is basically making me comatose. Both times I got the answering machine. The third time I got their "after hours" message. So I called back today, the receptionist finally picked up, and I explained that I had left a message yesterday and called several times after. It was pretty obvious that she either hadn't checked the messages, or she had and had forgotten/not given a fuck about it. She sounded pretty annoyed that i had assumed maybe she had checked them and was expecting a call back from them, but whatever. I explained all of it again, including the doses and medications I've gone through (lamictal made all of my skin hurt and I got little sores on my mouth I think. Switched from that to 100mg of Seroquel. Seroquel makes me comatose, so she told me to take 50mg instead.). Receptionist says shell talk to the doctor in a minute and call me back. Asked her if I should expect a call, or if I should just call back a few more times. Probably shouldn't have said that. Idgaf.
WELL like an hour later I finally get a call back!
Doctors office: 1
Me: 9
You'd think I'm winning but I'm not.
Anyway, yay, I have an answer, right? Maybe they'll fax something over the the pharmacy, I'm walking to Walmart anyway and our pharmacy techs are all Stars and can fill a script in like 15-20 minutes. I fucking love these people.
NOPE.
New instructions: go ahead and split your dose in half. Just take 25mg of Seroquel and see how that goes. And if it still sucks in a week when I go in we can have a conversation about it.
I'm so frustrated. I'm frustrated with the doctor's office, because they've called me back all of one time. I'm frustrated because the receptionist isn't very nice and has made me feel like a problem patient (I admit I shouldn't have gotten snarky with her though, that wasn't kind. ). I'm frustrated because out of every time I've called with an issue, I haven't actually spoken with my doctor. I'm frustrated because this medication is clearly a problem for me, and I've said I'd like to maybe try something else, and they just keep telling me to take less. I don't feel like I've at all been taken seriously as a patient and it's frustrating and disheartening.
I have an appointment with them next Tuesday that I'm going to go to, mostly because I want to talk to the doctor I'm seeing now about getting a recommendation letter for an ESA so that my kitties can come live with me. But I've already contacted a psychiatric nurse that my friend sees, and I'll have an appointment with her in the beginning of November.
I'm so done.
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self.bipolar
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I'm happy that my ex has slept with other people. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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NSFW. I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit for this but wtf is up with the ads on xhamster? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Pissed off that I'm still alive... I'm 21, soon to turn 22, and I should have killed myself when I was 18. I basically knew it was over at that point but for some reason I let myself stay alive, and rolled with the inner turmoil for an extra -almost - 4 years. And what do I have to show for it? I'm sicker than ever and left feeling more guilty; and now my death would probably significantly fuck up two other people.
It's fair to say that my quality of life is complete and utter garbage. To give you a rundown:
1. I fucked up my education big time. Like I said I'm almost 22 and I only have a semester of credits at a community college.
2. I have zero friends in real life.
3. I've spent the last seven years compulsively exercising, to the point of rubbing my skin raw until it bleeds and bruises (my back). I do this all day and everyday and it totally eclipses everything in my life.
4. I only leave the house once a week if I'm lucky, for a few hours. This is because despite almost being 22, I just recently got my license because I was actively held back by a narcissist who is very threatened by my attempts at independence.
5. I've been severely mentally ill for years with little to no assistance. And my OCD is at the point where it could probably look almost look like psychosis in certain moments
6. I have spent the last 7 years severely dissociated and I can't figure out a way to stop. My hearing literally gets cut off when I'm around people, and I can feel my skin go numb. Circumstances like this makes it impossible to want to be around people, even if I had the opportunity to.
7. I have become a completely nasty and embittering person, and I'm constantly angry at my myself and other people. This creates a feedback loop in my mind and the guilt is an absolute savage. It's very tightly tied to my OCD which is a lot about morality.
8. My gender dysphoria from childhood is back!!! I had severe dysphoria in childhood that seemed to disappear for many years. This is too long and complicated to get into, but the rage and envy I feel about not being born male is out of this fucking world folks. My dysphoria is largely tied to my sexuality and in some ways I don't completely trust it and have many ways of interpreting it. But it's getting ugly. No doubt my OCD has attached itself onto constantly contemplating the very nature of what a gender identity is in the first place.
9. I have no stable support to reach out to in dealing with any of this. And even if I manage to pull off getting support from my parents (the money isn't really there) it's going to come at a huge price of constant guilting and shaming.
10. I was and continue to be abused by my mother who is, as I've said, a narcissist. She has no understanding of boundaries or how to behave appropriately in relationships and has the mentality of a 3 year old. After she financially abusing my father, leaving us in ruins and debt, my father has packed on probably 60 pounds. And he was already heavy. He's basically my only thread to life and only with his support can I have any hope of gaining independence. But he's in his mid 50s and definitely on his way to a heart attack now. He refuses to go to the doctor even when I've offered to call and make the appointment and even go with him. He's got social anxiety so I thought that might help, but to no avail.
11. I'm not intelligent enough to make it through college if I can even manage to get my foot back in the door. I have a pretty debilitating learning disability and my grades have always been on over the place, from high honors to straight up failure. I don't trust myself to not fuck up college and I am deathly afraid of facing my limitations.
12. I think about suicide just about everyday
I honestly would love to just down my prescription medication and never wake up. My hope is totally killed. If Prozac doesn't work out well for me I think I'm a goner.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im scared for whats ahead I'm 19 and doing my computer science
I like programming but I'm not so into it.I don't think about code a lot and I don't really follow anything new regarding it,But I like it and it's fun to solve problems from time to time.Thing is after seeing the competition and people out there it's scary
I don't think I'll ever be able to anything.People are way better and way more passionate than me.
Being an adult is scary man
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self.offmychest
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2017 was the worst year of my life and I won't allow 2018 to top it. I was extremely depressed for the first half of 2017 and then my long term gf dumped me and then it escalated even further from there. Friends became non existent and I got very acquainted to the walls in my room. All I did was work and come home and sleep and fall into this routine of self loathing and worthlessness.
I feel and felt trapped and lonely and unappreciated. I had my first family death in 10 years. I spent every holiday and my birthday alone. I have struggled with depression my whole life and this year it has peaked even when I thought I couldn't feel any lower.
I don't know how but I am going to do my best to change that this year through any means nessesary. Even if I have to leave my comfort zone entirely. I can't and wont allow myself to fall any lower.
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self.offmychest
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This might be it Hey everyone. I’m in a very very dark place right now. While I’ve had thoughts of suicide before, this is the closest I have ever come to actually doing it. I have finally broke. No medication or therapy has worked. I have lost out on many relationships because of my depression and agoraphobia. I feel awful for my parents but at the same time once I’m gone I’m gone. Selfish, yet true. Is there any reason I shouldn’t do this?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to be happy again. I don’t want to be happy all the time or anything like that. Not even that I want to be happy, sad, angry that’s all I want I want I want emotion.
Why do I feel so trapped and weak.
Nothing affected me to bad growing up being adopted, parents getting divorced, bad break ups, and going bald at 18. No they didn’t hurt for too long, but they did hurt.
I got over them.
I feel so lost what are emotions even supposed to feel like. I’ve always contemplated leaving and never coming back, but now I’m just blank and lost like a fog is covering my eyes and I don’t have a path to get out.
My biggest thing is I feel like I have no personality I don’t know what I want to act like or be. It’s such an odd feeling
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self.depression
|
Depressed and immobile, writing a poem to express it. One of those days when you just feel twisted, I wrote a poem to describe the feeling and the effort lightened my load for just a little while. It's already 2:00 here and my plans for the day are spoiled again, but I know if I keep trying there's something better than this. Good luck to you all with the day as well, good luck with your own twist.
The sound of gulls awakes me as I rise from rack to dress.
A storm, though I'm in port, makes it difficult to rest.
Blinking, forceful thinking, I attempt to gather my mind.
Tethered and awful weather, to my efforts, feel unkind.
I search the bitts for pieces, so many knots left to untie.
To not unmoor here from this bore I know would be unwise.
And so I strain with no slight effort to find the bitter end.
One last round turn, then to wind downturn, and it's off I sail again.
But when at last I rig the mast and a sailor I can be.
I'm held fast there by the past and can no longer see the sea.
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self.depression
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Got my mthrfkn car back!!!!!! 3.5 months.
You guys.
Omg.
I drove him for half an hour just because, ya know?!
I was borrowing a car but now I have MY car. Mine. My little beautiful boy.
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self.bipolar
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I have no positive traits or talents that i can think of and it's killing me [deleted]
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self.depression
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Why couldn’t my skin just pick a damn color [deleted]
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self.depression
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Goodbye, friends. I kept trying new things to keep me happy.
I was semi famous and I was kind to everyone I talked to. I treated them like family.
Plagued by a lifelong depression I've pushed around and past for decades.
I kept waiting for someone to show me kindness around me. Cold. Sterile. Hatred. All I felt.
Painful. Waking up going to sleep, knowing your family is repulsed by you because you have a deep seeded sadness. Recursive pain.
Now I get my diagnosis, malignant. I'm empty. This is my goodbye letter. Those who see it and know me will know who I am. I'm sorry to those I used to talk to every day. It's not that I don't love you. It's that I can't take it anymore. I'm empty. I'm cold. And I'm crying for someone to give me meaning. I'm alone.
I hope you enjoyed what we had friends.
- Dad
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self.SuicideWatch
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Weird symptoms I've been having some really strange symptoms lately, whether they be symptoms of anxiety or something else. I was leaning on my bed, playing a video game, when I suddenly got this sensation that I couldn't explain. Like, just by looking at the screen, it's like I could like feel the game or something. I know that sounds weird, but it's been happening sometimes. Like I'll see something moving out of the corner of my eye, like my dog or something, and it's almost like I feel it. And sometimes, I think of all the things in the world that are moving and I start to feel really overwhelmed. This time was the weirdest though. The most intense. It freaked me out so bad, I immediately started to panic. Fastest I've ever put tea on in my life.
But does anybody else get really weird symptoms like that? If I had to think of something, I'd guess it was some weird intrusive thought or something. I really don't know.
But it's weird stuff like this that scares me into worrying that I have schizophrenia
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self.Anxiety
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I just broke up with the love of my life and my world is crashing down [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else dwell on cringe inducing moments in your life and make audible grunts/sighs/talk to yourself involuntarily?
|
self.Anxiety
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Dealing with the post-crash fallout I just went through a pretty severe cycle of a major depressive episode. It involved the usual bout of everything is horrible, no one is reliable, relationships aren't worth having, life is meaningless, etc. This also involved pushing and driving people away from me, including those that care about me and would be willing to help.
Many know about my depression, and know that those episodes can really be hell for me. But at the same time, I'm sure they are leery about my outreach because there is the (pretty good) chance that it is going to happen again. I am feeling better today (who knows how long it lasts and what will trigger the next slide), but at the same time feeling horrible about how I acted and treated others. How do you deal with the post-depressive episode fallout? How do you reach out to those that you pushed away?
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self.depression
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social paranoia?? hi everyone!
i have bipolar ii and manage it very well (i think). lamictal makes my life so much better and i set up good habits and have good self control. i'm extremely social and a lot of people seem to like me and think i'm funny. i just ran into 3 people at a show last night who i met up with once or twice and were like "oh my god we should hang out more!!" when they saw me.
BUT I ALWAYS WORRY PEOPLE HATE ME! like i always have an underlying feeling that people who get to know me actually hate me. it's like "once they really know me, they don't like me anymore" . my boyfriend told me i push him away sometimes, but this is actually when i feel like HE might not like me. could be due to my past (i had friends who secretly formed a groupchat without me for months and would make fun of me behind my back, pretending to be my friend (pity?? idk)). but i feel like it's at odds with my extroversion.
i've been wondering if its a mix of shame/guilt when depressed about the things i do when i get hypomanic lol.
anyone else feel this?
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self.bipolar
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How the fuck am I supposed to deal with going bald at 17 [deleted]
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self.depression
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Vent? Honestly I'm constantly amazed that I haven't killed myself. I've accomplished nothing, I'm a burden on my friends and family, I'm blatantly alcoholic (in fact I'm pretty drunk right now) and there's no real sign of any of this changing.
Pretty much the first and last thoughts of every day are that i should kill myself.
I've been depressed since I was 10. And honestly like it started just being down and grew to this over the years. I had my suicide completely planned my senior year and just didn't do it.
In the end i really don't know why I'm still just sticking around. Honestly every single person i know would be living a better life if i had died in high school.
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self.offmychest
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Can therapy help with depression if there's probably no cause behind it? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Where did the good people go? My girlfriend broke up with me over text after just two and a half months, when I really wanted to make it work. My buddy just got broken up with a girl that he was shopping for rings for. This is the guy that helped me get out of my depression after my girlfriend left me. This just fucking sucks.
We both feel the same, if you choose to date someone it means a lot, and you should try to make it work. We both are very kind, forgiving, and try to be as understanding as possible, and we still get dumped in this massive way. I know that someday we both will find someone that appreciates that about us, but where are they? How do we find them? It just sucks getting left high and dry when you wanted so badly to make it work.
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self.offmychest
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Does it ever completely go away? I had my first panic attack in 1999. The following 10 years were a nightmare with panic attacks, general anxiety, social anxiety and even agoraphobia at one point.
Since 2009 it’s been a slow recovery. I’ve not had a panic attack since 09 but even today i still live in fear and get flash back to situations when I had previous panic attack’s.
I would say I’m 90% better but I still avoid things like planes or situations I can’t easily leave.
Is it possible to ever be completely free?
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self.Anxiety
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I have avoidant personality disorder and it made me lose all of my friends. I don't wanna live a life where I don't talk to anyone, and I think death is the only option for me. I am extremely socially disabled. I have AvPD as stated above and I also have autism. I have become irredeemably depressed within the past 6 months, to the point where I say like 5 words per day. I had a small group of friends at my college (i'm a sophomore) which I have since blocked out and isolated myself from. My friends from high school are long gone, living their own lives. I have zero friends. Nobody I can turn to. Nobody shows me compassion. I'm alone. And my social inhibitions will not let me dig myself out of this hole. I'm such a loser. I literally can't go on if I can't figure out how to talk to people. I hate myself so much and I want to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My daily routine My routine the last months is just waking up for school (second time and I think i will fail again). Travelling by bus with music, in class i zone out and cant focus. Then back at home and break down until i fall a sleep. Wake up and repeat.
My friends are all fucked (but somehow have motivation to do something about it) and decided to leave to another cities. For some reason i left my gf last year, and only now i realise how bad she loved me.
Can't talk with friends, family or anyone about anything. Sometimes i try watching series or youtube to distract me from thinking. I started writing a book (fantasy &emotional) but i can't seem to be able to end it. I cant find any job, I barrely have some titles to show (mostly shit) and no expirience.
With that routine, no one to call a friend or whatever and my failure (and incoming failure) I'm thinking everyday of suicide, i just dont know any easy way to do it, after I fail this year at school (ending now in june) i actually have no clue of what to do, literally no fucking idea.
(Sorry for my grammar)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why do even tortured and depressed people fear death? Thinking about death is the only thing that makes me smile and feel inner peace. It's the only reliable friend in this crazy evil world. After this life of being someone I never wanted to be, it fills me with relief to know that it will end one day.
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self.depression
|
What is the point of all this? (LONG, sorry, don't feel obligated to read the whole thing. Just need to type) Not sure if anyone will even read this, but I don't know where else I can vent my feelings so I figure i'll just type away here and maybe feel like I did SOMETHING.
I'm 35/m, common-law married with two stepkids and two bulldogs, and i've been dealing with diagnosed chronic clinical depression and social anxiety disorder for roughly 5 years now. Prior to this I had no idea that's what was wrong with me and just assumed everyone felt as awful all the time as I did.
After being officially diagnosed I started on medication for the depression. I wouldn't exactly say they 'helped' but they haven't hurt me either so I guess that is a positive step. Within the last six months or so my doctor started weening me off the second of the two drugs I was on until the point that i'm now only using the one. Again, I don't feel any different or better, but I assume being off one drug is better than being on both?
Also since the diagnosis i've been laid off from my job as a warehouse foreman and went back to school, successfully completing my two year Heating Venting and Air Conditioning technician program, winning a bunch of awards and stuff that are meaningless to me, and entered the workforce as a licenced tradesman. To me I thought this would make me feel valuable and a useful member of society/my household versus how I usually feel, a useless burden who is inconveniencing everyone just by being alive.
As a general rule I don't HATE the work. I do have to be 'fake' a lot when i'm talking to customers and my supervisors, which is exhausting, but that isn't anything I can't deal with. My problem lies in the fact that the schooling did nothing to prepare me for the actual on-the-job work, and my company didn't exactly take the time to train me. This industry is very much 'trial by fire' in a literal sense. I know what needs to be done and what to look for to prevent a dangerous situation, but when I get stuck on-call on a busy weekend with little to no support and am expected to 'figure it out' without looking like an unqualified idiot in front of paying customers I am left with a sense of complete dread.
Yesterday I worked 14 straight hours in large part because i'm trying to figure things out on my own without inconveniencing anyone. I ended the night lying in bed thinking "Wouldn't it be better to just end my life rather than risk continuing to do this and fail at it?'
My wife has been unbeleivably patient with me during my return to school. It has been a tremendous financial burden on our family to get me to the point I am at now and I feel A LOT is riding on my success at this job. I also notice she tends to get very frustrated when I exhibit even the slightest amount of discontent or sadness with any situation, almost in a 'great, here we go again' way.
I feel like i've pushed her into resenting me now, and feel that I need to somehow gain 5 years of experience in my trade in the next few weeks to justify the sacrifices she has made to get me started in this field.
As I type this, sobbing my eyes out alone on my laptop, I can't help but think how much better off she'd be if she never met me at all, and that if I just can't get this work thing, things will only get worse for her. Wouldn't she just be better off now if I just gave in to the temptation and voices in my head constantly screaming at me to end my life?
Why can't I just do my job like a normal person and live a normal life? I'm reaching my breaking point here and honestly, if the whole point of all this is to work my ass off to be able to afford a home, food and a vehicle so that I can continue to work my ass off until death, can't I just speed up the whole process and kill myself now? WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF ANY OF THIS IF THIS IS HOW I'M GOING TO FEEL EVERY DAY?
TL:DR Sorry for the pointless rant, I don't know where else to express these feelings, and I am scared of myself.
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self.depression
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Urgent question on lithium I just started a lithium treatment, however I also suffer from anxiety, did any of you get another medication while it makes effect?
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self.bipolar
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I know this poem is shit but... A pain so indescribable, no one believes
Those who say it is spurious are thieves
They rob us of our own knowledge, of any truth we speak
They make us feel more than anything, bleak.
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self.depression
|
What Do I do? I've hit that point again. Just so low. But this time it's different because it involves a girl. I haven't dated in two years, because the last relationship triggered my disorder...
I have nobody, and I never open up. But this girl, she seemed so genuine, she had pain too, and she reminded me of real care. She prodded me to let her into my mind and my heart. I finally did and while she didn't have much to say, I didn't blame her.
Then, a few days ago I commented with how she should just leave, that being my defensive instinct. She told me she would never leave just because I'm sad, and that she'll be here for me.
Well, you guessed it. Five days later, today, she just ignores me. Even after I let out all my pain from the rest of my life on twitter because I have nobody to talk to, she does nothing. She saw me today too, sad of course, and yet nothing.
So i've been burned again, with something I hold dear to me. I let her in thinking it would be different but no... None of my 'friends' even comment on the fact I tweet about suicide. They actually just favorite and reply with jokes.
I have nobody. I don't think I ever will. Romantic or not. At 20 years old, nothing is worth this. The pain in my chest is unbelievable. This is just one of a fuckton of problems atm. I hate this.
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self.bipolar
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I hate the hospital I was admitted to the hospital to get a central line to donate stem cells in the morning. I've been in Same Day Surgery/Same Day Overnight since about 1pm. I'm so uncomfortable, and can't wait for the next day/2 days to pass so I can go home.
I don't know if I'll be getting any sleep and I'm 99% sure my call button is broken since I pressed it 5 times and no nurse came (ward has only a handful of people left now).
I hate this place and I just want to be back home.
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self.offmychest
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I regret not killing myself last night, I listened to fake people that told me they care. Now im alone again. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The Job Switch (continued) So I managed to quit my job. I held it together (mostly). Now I am sitting on top of my secret for about another hour. My boss knows and that's it. When it is announced my work group will probably be very happy for me (they are good people). My temporary assignment group is gonna flip. They assumed I would join them. I tried to do my best up to the end full bore 100%. My projects are wrapped and complete.
But I am sick to my stomach. Haven't slept in days and as always the very end is the worst. I feel so guilty sitting on this huge secret that I am resigning and lying to everyone. (Ok I haven't lied, I just have not volunteered the truth and in my head, that's the same)
I have to tell someone so you guys are it.
Now I am gonna go barf.
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self.Anxiety
|
"What would be your top choice?" So I'm applying to phd programs for the third time and people STILL ask me this. like my top choice is whoever lets me in. if anyone. every time you ask that its a reminder of every single rejection ive ever gotten and trust me there are many. and i anticipate at least several more this time. im just so frustrated and i wish people would just stop asking me about it.
anyway here's hoping im able to post a "i got in" update in a couple weeks. not optimistic but its mostly out of my hands at this point so what else am i gonna do.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't want to go to college I have been putting some thought into it and I honestly don't want to go to college. I'm a Junior right now and I want to be an entrepreneur which doesn't have any set path. College will just cost me money forcing me to work a job from that field in order to pay off the debt and even if I get a very low tuition (I wont with a 2.7 unweighted and 3.3 weighted GPA) then I won't learn many specific skills to being an entrepreneur. To me it just seems like a waste. The only reason I would go is for girls and parties. My plan in life is to start a business and travel. I just don't want to spend 4 more years in school and more than that in debt.
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self.offmychest
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How hard is it to get a decent job nowadays? How hard is it nowadays to get a decent job? Especially if you are chronically ill? Or mentally ill? Even with a good education its getting harder to get a good job, or i am wrong? Why should i live when i will end up poor or worse homeless? Because its getting harder to get a decent job, and if you're mentally and chronically ill its even harder. Should i just kill myself if i end up poor or homeless? Or is homelessness or poverty not a reason to kill yourself? And i don't want to end up working in a dead end job with low pay. What should i do to prevent that? Just kill myself?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My wife wants to die, now I do too... Last night my wife tried to kill herself for the 5th time in 18 months. She took ~20 time release morphine, wrote me a note, and sat down on the couch to die. She didn't, and didn't tell me until this afternoon.
She deals with debilitating chronic pain and her pain management fucked her meds up. They meant to send them to the pharmacy but he office staff are fucking worthless mouth-breathers and lost it. She's been without pain meds since Friday, and she ran out of anti-depressants and can't see her psych until Dec 8.
Everything has aligned against her and I'm positive she'll succeed some time in killing herself before she can see a doctor. Long story short, we've tried everything to get her well, and nothing has worked, which brings the story to where I'm at.
I'm exhausted, I can't deal anymore. I've literally given her everything I could for the last 5 years. I've given up on my own happiness to make her happy, and I'm completely drained. I can't do it anymore. I know she'll end her life soon and when she does I'm not going to be able to hold on. To watch someone who's been given every single scrap of emotional support you can muster decide that she's only been living for you and finally decide that isn't enough.
I just don't know what I'll do with our dogs. I'm so exhausted...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
SO broke up with me after two years. I just lost one reason to live. I know that sounds unhealthy, but he was my reason to live while I searched for better reasons. And now he's in love with someone else. I'm going to watch him give the love he used to share with me, with someone else. It's unacceptable. Fighting the urge to kill myself. What can make me feel better now? :(
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I overthink things When people talk to me I think “what does that actually mean” like when my boss tells me I don’t have to do something I think “ok Maybe he wants me too but I don’t have to”. The other day I was at my boyfriends house after staying the night and we were talking about my living situation since my lease is almost up, and he said “are you thinking about getting your own place?” (I have a roommate) and in my head I thought “so he obviously doesn’t want me here”. Is this normal? Do other people do this? It leads to me fucking a lot of things up and just makes me go straight to wanting to kill myself. I don’t know what to do.
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self.Anxiety
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I can't believe this is as good as it gets I've been taking 300 mg of Venlafaxine (Effexor XR) for the last 5 months and still no change. I don't have energy, I don't want to do anything I like, I can hardly work, I want to sleep all the time, and at the same time I can't.
My doctor gave me Modafinil two months ago, it also does almost nothing.
Today I received the results of a blood test. I don't have any thyroid problem. That's not what I wanted to hear...
When you have any hormonal problem, then maybe that's why you can't do things, even when you are taking ADs. But that's not my case. I also tried Paroxetine, Risperidone, and two more that I can't remember.
And then I have days like today, where I feel like crap, want to cry and I can't think straight.
Is this it? Is this my life? I want to do things, Why I can't do them? I don't know what to do...
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self.depression
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goodbye reddit and/or world I’m standing on my roof. probably going to kill myself, but here’s some background for whatever reason—
My girlfriend just broke up with me, and my parents expect me to become a surgeon even though i know i don’t have what it takes. too much work, too much everything. my parents are both wealthy and expect me to do better than them, even though I have trouble getting up half the time.
I have no time to relax, I’m so stressed. My friends are distant; they know something’s wrong but are too apathetic to care otherwise.
I don’t want this pressure anymore.
this isn’t really a “convince me otherwise” post; if i wanted some kind of help I would’ve called a help line.
i don’t want that. just someone to talk to for a little while, until i decide this chilly northeast air is getting a little too uncomfortable
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self.SuicideWatch
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Today Brings Me Joy, But It Also Reminds Me Of All The Time I've Wasted In My Life 06/12/2017
- Today, the amount of disconnect I feel from the world has shrunk a little. Up until now I haven’t met a lot of people that I can truly relate to on a fundamental level (mostly because I haven’t been trying hard enough) but as I sit here listening to Richard P Feynman speak I feel a little less lost in the world. I’ve always had a drive for finding out how things work and why they are the way they are. In my late teen years I was able to answer a lot of the moral questions I was posing myself rationally, even though I had a limited understanding about how the world worked (Limited understanding because I did not pay attention in school). As I grew older I started to realize that my hatred towards the school system was not a good reason to abandon my drive for studying. Instead of going back to school I decided to try and teach myself the subjects I was curious about by watching videos and reading articles online.
- As I studied Basic Chemistry and Aerodynamics I found that most of the “explanations” for these subjects were not very rational. They focused on memorizing things instead of trying to explain the basics of how they worked. I absolutely hated this, so I started making my own notes and planned on making instructional videos about what I had learnt but with a twist, I would explain them in a simple rational way. Originally I was only going to make a basic video explaining what Particles, Atoms and Molecules were, but the more I studied the more I started seeing how everything in Chemistry was connected, so I kept studying more and more until I stumbled upon a video of Richard P Feynman talking about the Universe. Never In my life have I felt as connected to someone as I feel towards Mr Feynman right now. His brilliance makes me feel very stupid, but this only amplifies my desire to learn.
- Unfortunately because of this realization, today is also the day that brings tears to my face because of all the time I wasted while in school. I’m angry at myself for not understanding why knowledge is so important in this world we live in, but more so, I’m angry at the system for not trying to help me understand. I’m angry no-one tried to show me how beautiful these subjects are and how they can reveal the answers to some of life’s greatest questions. Instead, I was shown how memorization can get me higher marks on my tests, how higher marks will get me a better job, and how a better job will get me more money so I can drown my desire to understand with meaningless objects. It’s still not too late for me to learn how the world works, but unfortunately, it might be too late to try and discover it in a new way.
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self.offmychest
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I just wanna share something 25/f
So today I am feeling sad, the kind of sad where you think you'll never gonna be happy again. You see my friend/co-worker is transferring to another branch because she got promoted. Yay for her.
Then, there was this guy from work who I come to liked so much. The same guy who lead me on and then when I started liking back he said he is not ready for relationship. Anyways, that is another story. Tomorrow is his last day in our branch. He just came to help.
So after work, I receive an email from my counselour asking about when our next sched is gonna be with a suggestion of watching a video from youtube. And so I spent the next minutes watching "Brenè Brown". Let me tell you, I got a revelation. That is to feel something (in my case, deep sadness) is better than nothing. This reminds me of those times when I feel nothing and it's horrible. I used to play games and read manga just to feel something.
I guess I come a long way from not talking to anybody for days. If you have the time watch "the power of vulnerability" in youtube. It is interesting! Now I am not that sad anymore.
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self.depression
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Abortion: A year later This month marks the anniversary of my abortion.
I was 20, I had just passed my probationary period in my full time job. I wasn’t ready for a baby. I wasn’t in a serious relationship, or any relationship at all for that matter. I was irresponsible with a guy who I was having casual sex with.
When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked and scared. I wasn’t ready for this. We spoke about it. He wasn’t ready to be a dad I wasn’t ready to be a mum but he was supportive of what ever I decided to do.
I decided to have a termination at 13 weeks. I was sedated and had a surgical abortion. I was happy with decision up until I was called to be prepared for the procedure. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go through with it. I still did it and it was horrible. Though you don’t feel pain you can feel everything happening. It’s horrid.
The procedure took about 5-10 minutes then I was wheeled out and put into a recovery bay. Surrounded by several women who had just done the same thing as me. Whilst in recovery I started to experience excruciating pain in my stomach. I couldn’t move I couldn’t stand up I couldn’t sit down. I knew something was wrong. They brought out an ultrasound scanner and rescanned my uterus. I was rushed back into theatre as my uterus was filled with blood that needed to be taken out. The original sedative they had given me had worn off and there wasn’t time to insert a cannula to administer any drugs. I can still remember the pain I felt as they held me down whilst the surgeon inserted the vacuum and sucked the blood out of me. It was like a horror movie. In that moment I wasn’t sure if I would make it out. They hadn’t told me what was wrong the had just rushed me back in as an emergency.
After it was all over I was put back in recovery and was able to leave for home an hour later.
At first I felt relief that I didn’t have the responsibility of raising a child. I always said that I didn’t want children. Ever since that day still haunts me and I always play what if scenarios in my head.
My life now would be very different if I hadn’t aborted my baby. S/He would be 1 year and 5 months roughly. In my heart I know the he was a boy. I wish I had taken more time to consider my options and if termination was what I wanted to do. I regret terminating my baby boy but I’m also happy that I did.
This still effects me so deeply and contributes to my anxiety and depression. I wish things were different but the logical side of me knows I did what’s best.
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self.depression
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I'm gonna be a dad someday with the love of my life. Some years ago I lost everything, my job, financial indépendance, my ex.
Now, I'm happily engaged and gonna marry my girl, which I know is the love of my life since 2 years ago.
During those past days, I keep feeling that I've done the step towards who I want to be.
I feel ready to live, to work to be healthy and fit again. And some weeks ago, my fiancee told me she wants to have my kids. Not right now, but that makes me the most happy I've ever been.
I always wanted to have children. And now than I can see a future with children and the love of my life, i'm happier than ever.
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self.offmychest
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I Start Work This Week and I'm Scared This week I'm starting a job as an administrative assistant. I know a lot of the bipolar job advice on the internet says to avoid people heavy jobs, but I'm super extraverted and human interaction is one of the things that helps keep me stable and helps when I'm depressed tremendously. I'm just freaked out because I googled tips for working with bipolar disorder and every article talks about how it's SO HARD and you're probably f*cked and it's unlikely you'll succeed. I don't want to psych myself out because that would be self defeating, so could those of you with jobs or who've held a job before tell me that it's possible to succeed? I could just use some encouragement from people who ~get it.~ I have type 2, if that's of any relevance.
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self.bipolar
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tired and ready to get the rest i need [deleted]
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self.depression
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Dealing with a child's mental illness I wake up and try to do things to help my son everyday but six months, a year ++ later I am in same spot. My son (8) struggles with mental illness. He's got the full alphabet soup of diagnoses (ASD, ADHD, ODD, mood disorder, depression, every eval they add another diagnosis), and regardless of his diagnosis - he sorely needs help. We had worked our way up to family-based therapy last year, but we were discharged over the summer when my son went to see his dad. (I had asked his therapists about this two months before hand, and they didn't tell me it would be an issue until arrangements were made/he was already at his fathers house). That's my failing for allowing a lapse in services. I've been actively working to get him services since he got his new case manager in August, and it took him until the middle of October to get his eval done, with the recommendation for services (mobile therapy, and tss). The eval expired because there's such a high demand for services in this area, that we had to go through the eval process again just last week. (The issue I'm learning is that he has a autism diagnosis now which requires a certain type of certification for a mobile therapist, which is harder to find)
He's struggling at school, at home, in public... I see him struggle, and it just literally kills me, seeing him fall through one crack after another. Medications never start because insurance companies, pharmacies, and doctors never communicate, then he refuses to take them and no one is any help on how to help give him medication... it's been nearly two months and we're still waiting for one rx.
I can't even get him into outpatient therapy. The therapist who sees my daughter is refusing to see him, and the only other outpatient art therapist has no openings, so now I have to try and expand that search to other providers.
All the while, balancing my own mental illness and life as a single mom. I'm exhausted, and so frustrated. I've put in effort, and gotten no where. I'm sorry this is long, I don't know what I'm asking/looking for, I just wanted to put this out there. I guess I just needed a list to write down what I'm fighting for him. I just really want to see him happy and carefree again. How is this system so broken?
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self.depression
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Sharing, stigma and social media... Hey folks! I’ve been a bit bothered by something recently and I just wanted to share it here because I’m pretty sure a lot of you lovely fuckers would share this.
So. There’s a big social media campaign in Scotland at the moment around #seeme which is about sharing mental health experiences with a view to normalise and remove stigma etc. A few of my friends have made some lovely emotional posts and Proud We Are Of All Of Then and I was kind of feeling a bit pressed to do one too.
Then I realised. I don’t want to. I *really* fucking don’t want to. I’ve been stable for a long time, I have a lot of good, close friends in my life that I’ve never told and who would be a bit upset that they found out via an Instagram post. The thought of sharing my mental health with professional connections and casual acquaintances makes me really tense and I was feeling under a lot of pressure to do so because of this campaign.
So, yeah. If that’s what you want to do then more power to your elbow, but please don’t feel you should put yourself in an uncomfortable position because of a hashtag,
Love you all, my bipolar brothers and sisters. X
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self.bipolar
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I DID A THING AND GOT MYSELF A GIRLFRIEND I wasn't sure whether she liked me or not and we've been best friends for 2 years. But after a period of shit mental health for both of us, I, in a tired drowsy state, decided to ask her out and it fucking payed off. Hell yeah
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self.offmychest
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How much meds i need ? whats normal anxiety i take lexipro 25mg and its bin doing pre well for a bit but then my girl friend brokeup with me midterms started and my roomate is moveing out all at the same time and my anxiety has gone up quite a lot :/ do i need to up my meds or is it ok where it is i am also going to be going to counsaling soon so i hope that helps out more to. I need to get out more and be more social but i find it very hard and things tend to cost money.
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self.Anxiety
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A "friend" showed me snuff three years ago, and I still can't get the images out of my head. I'm sure a lot of you will find this ridiculous and dramatic- hell, I'm sure some of you look at violent footage and torture just because you can, but that just isn't me. Videos and photos of real death, real violence just disturbs me.
First, some context.
Freshman year of high school, I had a girl I would've called a friend pull me aside and said she wanted to show me something I'd love (I have a reputation of loving true crime.) She opens up a video- please be aware that from here on, I'll be going into some ugly details, and it's about to get really violent.
I remember all the clips so well, as I type this, I can see them. I remember a man with a laceration on his face jamming his fingers into the wound and yanking it open. A man covering guinea pigs in gasoline and burning them alive, before beating them against walls and counters. A man being stabbed to death by a crowd, laying in the street bleeding out- not to mention all the ISIS beheading footage.
The one is remember the clearest was the least violent, ironically. There was a white horse standing in a parking lot, with an older man- the man used a pistol and shot the horse between the eyes. The animal fell like concrete, didn't bounce. I don't know, something about the lifelessness of that fall is something I can't get out of my mind.
Maybe I'm just oversensitive. Some nights, I still feel like those images are burned into the backs of my eyelids.
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self.offmychest
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Hey I just need some help. I’ve been in my first serious relationship and I’m a senior in high school. I love her a lot and I’m going out of town in a couple of days. She’s a junior and she says she’s ganna drink at a party where there’s a lot of guys in here grade. For some reason I just get really scared that she’s ganna cheat on me with someone. Do you think she’ll cheat. This is her first real relationship too and idk I just have a lot of anxiety about it. Am I worrying too much?
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self.Anxiety
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to do list for coming to terms with schizoaffective disorder to do list for coming to terms with schizoaffective bipolar disorder [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety about doing anything (except napping) I seem to be in a place where the thought of doing anything makes me shut down. Like, it's beautiful today... All day I've been thinking that I could go for a walk, ride my bike, read in the sunshine - and all of these options sound amazing! Except now, when I actually have the opportunity to do something, my stomach feels like lead, and the only thing I really *want* to do is go home and take a nap. The concept of doing things is super, the reality of doing things is paralyzing.
Does anyone else feel like this? What do you do?
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self.Anxiety
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longing for just a little bit of comfort and joy i'm a single mom to a young kid and i'm going through a dark depression these past few months (tbh, i think i may have been for 4 years now since my child was born) but this year is particularly difficult. hearing the song "have yourself a merry little christmas" makes me tear up and feel sad/lonely this year. last year, i've had a falling out with my family and my life is a mess-- my house looks like we're living in a dump, we're drowning in debt and we barely have any food to eat or pay the rent. most days, it's hard for me to get up because my depression makes me want to just lie down and sleep the day away. and i sit in front of a computer for hours not doing anything productive. yesterday, i found out that i just got fired from my online work. i know i am being a bad mother and everytime i see my child, i feel so guilty because i know he deserves better than this. but no matter how i try to motivate myself to get out of this, i just can't seem to get ahead or catch a break. a lot of my waking hours is spent just thinking about what a relief it would be to just end it all and how i might be doing my son a favor by doing so. it's just too much for me right now, and i don't know how i can get past this.
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self.offmychest
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I've never wanted it more Im 15, if that has any impact, but I feel like i'm done with everything. My grades are shit, my parents make me feel like shit about them, and it's not like I can just tell them how I feel, I already told them down to the fact that I'm constantly suicidal, and all they did was take me to a therapist once a week. And he's a nice wise guy and all, but it's been months to no avail.
I just feel like there's no reason to keep living, like sure I want to get married and be a father at some point, but I feel almost like even if I somehow manage to ignore this pain and pull my shit together, it's not too long until I hit another major roadblock and then it's back to square one with this again.
And the idea of death doesn't even scare me anymore, and that makes me feel like I'm mentally handicapped
Everything's just going to shit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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At a certain point it's just like "alright what the fuck" I was diagnosed with depression in high school, and now that I'm a few years into college I'm not feeling incredibly optimistic about recovery. I'm very fortunate to have had many therapists and counseling sessions, but I still have extended periods of feeling little/no happiness and this makes me feel like I'm beyond help.
I'm not motivated to work or even do anything fun other than sleep or be intoxicated, and I never want to go outside. I can't picture myself not being sad and that makes me feel even worse.
I don't know what to do or where to go for help of if it's even worth it. I'm so incredibly tired and I'm desperate to start feeling better but I don't know if that will ever happen or if I deserve to feel better at all.
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self.depression
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I am insecure about my looks because I feel like most women genuinely hate unattractive men [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Do you feel completely drained after your day? After so many days at work or doing whatever, I come home completely and physically exhausted. Not just tired like many people, but I feel emotionally and physically drained. Is this normal for us?
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self.bipolar
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What's worse: depression or mixed episodes? I'm currently going through a mixed episode and boy it's all the fun of depression minus the sleep.
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self.bipolar
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If someone wants to kill themselves then why not let them It should be their choice. If I want to take a bottle of pills to kill myself why should it matter? Someone else can take over my job. I won't have to keep dealing with a progressive mental illness. I don't see why anyone else should care if someone wants to kill themselves.
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety related to shots I have an extreme phobia of needles and I have to get a shot tomorrow, I know I need to be calm but that fact is making me more nervous that I wont be calm.
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self.Anxiety
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It's no longer outside forces making my life hard, I'm ruining my own chance at happiness now I know I've posted here before but I just don't know how else to get this out so it's not just in my head.
This will be long, so apologies if I waste your time.
Just a short time ago my life seemed to take a turn. My job was going well, social interactions with friends, repairing old relationships, and I started talking to a girl I really like.
But then when all looked up January first hit and everything started to fall apart. It started with me having to tell my friend he was getting cheated on and that started everything. I learn that he was getting cheated on from a girl a used to see, a girl I was repairing a relationship with for my own good. And she was a friend of my friends gf. In the end the girl denied it, unfriended the girl I knew, and my friend just kept dating her without so much as a mention to me. And because of all of this the girl I was fixing things with decided we couldn't be friends at all. So in that day I lost 2 friends. But I kept trying to move forward. I still had friends worth seeing and a great girl I could see a future with. But then my friends stop talking to me, the girl stopped really trying to text back. I tried playing it off as just a bad week. Then that Saturday I asked a friend to go out, he said yes and we made plans. So I went out and sat in a bar alone for 2 hours and he never texted me why he ditched me. That's when I started to hurt my own cause. I freaked out and posted some nonsense on Facebook about no one caring about me. I took it down the next day but it didn't go away. I got in my head about talking to the girl, I'd tell myself she doesn't want to talk and she was over whatever she felt for me. But I'd try to talk, she responded, short not like she really wanted to talk. So the week moves on and no word, I make plans with one last person I knew would be reliable. And like a broken record this friend ditched me after I sat alone for an hour, again. And I again I lashed out on Snapchat this time, idk why. And the girl texts me and asks why I've been so emotional and what does my dumb ass do? Not try to connect with her, let her get close, no. I just told her it didn't matter and I'll deal with it. She just said whatever and I just let it go. I said sorry she said it's fine it's my life, I tried to say I shouldn't be an ass and that was it. I ruined something good because I got in my head and I let the things that happened to me affect everything else. That was this Saturday night/ Sunday morning and it has hit too hard, it's made me feel so empty I took a day off work, lying that I had a reason, but the truth is I couldn't get out of bed. And if I let this ruin my work I don't know what else I can do to keep on going. I feel things slipping again and I'm just as much to blame as the circumstances around me. I just don't have much left. I'm sorry this was so long and I doubt many will read it but I just needed to say something. Thank you.
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self.depression
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I know I'm in hypomanic (or manic) state when I drink a ton but can still get a ton of shit done Idk why I'm sharing this. I'm hellla tipsy/drunk. But this might be useful to someone out there. I'm diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychosis and I know i'm entering manic/hypomanic when even when I do things I usually do when I'm depressed but still get shit done. I'm hella tipsy now but lord knows how focused I am. I'm making a schedule and stufff and if I was depressed, I would just be cuddling but lord, I 'm like hella productive.
I'm sorry, I'm probably just hella tipsy. But thoguht I'd share it with y'all.
x
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self.bipolar
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I make myself too available and it makes me hate myself [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Confusing thoughts Sometimes I don’t remember if something was a dream of if it really happened, can anyone relate?
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self.Anxiety
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I lied, you do smell. My best friend smells of sweat and dirty clothes all the time, she just doesn’t shower very often and wears the same clothes. It’s been years and I’m in too deep to tell her.
It’s at the point now where I have to wash cushions and blankets she sits on at my house immediately after she leaves.
She’s not depressed, she just seems to not know she smells.
I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do about it. But it feels good to get it off my chest.
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self.offmychest
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Seriously considering moving into my car. Living in alcoholic hoarder moms basement with fleas and mold. [deleted]
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self.depression
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What medicine would you recommend to me? Hi, as the title says. my main problems are low self confidence, GAD, along with that some obessive thoughts, lack of energy, motivation, i think alot about shit that brings me down, my mind is on the highway 24/7. Different degrees of "brainfog" from day to day. Im probably depressed aswell.
Anyway, earlier i ate a combo of prozac and wellbutrin, guess it helped me some, but not just enough imo. I got really depressed this last summer, stopped eating all the pills, went to the doctor and said that those pills arent helping me enough, so she gave me lexapro, instead of prozac and wellbutrin on that aswell. I have a very hard time believing the doctor, and its almost like im looking for side effects, anything i do it just feelt wrong..
Anyway, i didnt eat those pills for a long time, i have been without any AD for a couple of months, until i decided now to take any help they might give me, and follow their advice without any questions.
So now im on this new one, called brintellix, does this sound like a good AD for my problems? Whenever i dont eat AD i get this thougts my life would me so much better without them, and vice versa... probably a part of GAD/OCD?
Cause some of my problems, speaks for low dopamine and or noradrenaline, while some for low serotonin, but ive heard wellbutrin can increase anxiety, and i dont want that, while ive heard SSRI lowers you dopamine.
My english isnt perfect :p
Anywya why did he give me brintellix, does that sound right for my issues? Or should i go back to wellbutrin and prozac?
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self.depression
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Random but regular short periods of what feels like depression. [deleted]
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self.depression
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My anxiety has gotten so bad that I have become a pessimistic asshole that hates everyone. DAE? Thinking back, I think I've had anxiety problems my whole life (mostly social), but in the past 6 months it has devolved to the point where I hate everybody around me. The few people I don't have this feeling for are usually acquaintances, and I usually think I would start to hate them if I got to know them.
Before this phase, I would just have normal anxiety problems; questioning everything, overthinking friend meetups before and after, etc.. But now I have tracked an emotional pattern, where somebody I know will say or do something that I don't like but I won't say anything because my anxiety prevents me. I will hate them, then I will think that if everybody I know is shitty then I also must a shitty person, then it cycles back to the beginning.
This has repeated for a while now. There is a lot more to my problems than this but this is all that is on my mind right now, because I'm home for the holidays and it hurts to hate every family member you're around.
P.S. As a positive this is the first time I have gathered the courage to talk about my anxiety/mental problems to anybody, so that at least makes me feel a little better. Also sorry if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes, I needed to get this off my chest.
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self.Anxiety
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A man with two minds Hello all. I am not sure what the point of posting this is other than getting it down and releasing it to the world. But here goes...
I am sure that there are two very distinct “me’s” in my brain. One who constantly tries to encourage and the other who constantly tries to destroys. You see, at weird random times I have an overwhelming urge to shoot myself in the head, or down a bottle of pills. That’s when the other me speaks up and says, not today. The feeling always goes away. Sometimes one voice is stronger than the other and lately the bad voice has been stronger than the good voice. I don’t think I’m crazy. I don’t talk to myself or have a conversation it’s just two very distinct thoughts occurring almost at the same time. Anyway, other than constant anxiety and feeling lost and frustrated the two minds problem is my biggest concern. Lately my good voice seems to have almost disappeared. Not entirely because he is still there.l, but he doesn’t seem to respond as quickly or strongly. Anyway. That’s my story for now.
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self.depression
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What to do... Thinking I might finally have the courage tonight. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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everything feels hopeless i could give you my life story, but that would be a waste of time. since my parents got divorced 7 years ago ive never felt happy. my self esteem is so low and i cant do anything. my boyfriend, who was my only source of happiness, left me cause i couldnt trust him. due to my self esteem. ive ruined my own life. i never went through with anything cause ive never been good enough. he was my best friend, and the love of my life, the feelings i had for him were indescribable. knowing that he did not feel the same about me hurts more than anything. i truly want to die. this is the first time ive ever seriously considered taking my own life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Ruining my life on purpose. I self-sabotage and ruin my life on purpose, its like some sick game I like to play on myself, see how miserable you can make your life before you kill yourself.
I have chronic suicidal idealization but am terrified on the 'act' of death or dying itself. I feel like if my life becomes miserable enough I won't care anymore.
I purposeful don't do homework or listen in class, I don't try, I destroy my belongs and crush my dreams for example I was offered the holiday of a lifetime something I will never be able to do again and 9 days before we are due to fly I backed out and said I didn't want to go, I am shattered inside, yet I still go through with it.
I am my own bully. I make my life a living hell.
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self.depression
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I created a blog to share experiences with life and mental illness. I made a post about what it's like for me to work with BP. Figured some can relate. https://mindaq.com/2018/04/11/bipolar-disorder-and-jobs/
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self.bipolar
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Anyone have experience with Fanapt? I'm into my second week of Fanapt - 8mg twice daily. I have the congested head that I've read about (though it's cold season, so I don't know how much is just the weather) but I wanted to know how long the vertigo may go on? It's definitely helped my moods and other symptoms I was having. I was just wanting to know if the side effects evened out as your body gets used to it?
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self.bipolar
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I made a post and everyone was nice to me [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Protein supplements: anyone tried BCAA? Does it affect your moods? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Start the countdown,24 hours Not sure if anyone will even see this,but regardless,24 hours until I can be free from the pain :)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why do I even try when I just end up failing in the end [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Not killing myself just seems like depression with more steps. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Does lithium help with anger, or does it make anger worse? So I don't have insurance right now, I'm in a lot of medical debt, and I can't see a doctor. My rage issues seem to be getting worse and are really making things difficult (can't do my homework because it makes me so angry, having trouble being around people because I feel like I'm going to snap and hurt them, hurting myself). Lithium is the only thing I can get over the counter that might help with my rage, but I don't want to waste money on something that might not work at all. Yes, I know it's not the safest thing in the world, but being that I'm such a danger to others right now, I'm probably better off dead anyway (and if anyone tells me to go to the mental hospital I'll be pissed; I'm STILL paying off my first mental hospital bill from three years ago this month, and that was when I had insurance, and honestly it was a traumatic experience that sort of ruined my life so... no). I'm literally angry over stupid stuff and I have coping mechanisms, but they don't get rid of the anger; it just hangs around all the time so there's nothing I can really do there. I also want to ask because I read that lithium can make anger worse, and I don't know if that's a common reaction or if those people just had bad luck.
|
self.bipolar
|
Nobody seems to really care.. I rarely open up about the anxiety I feel around other people. But when I do... I regret it instantly because of such blunt and obvious responses.
“You must love yourself first”.
“There needs to be better communication”.
All I’ve ever heard. Is this the best advice people can come up with?
I fucking know!
Easier said than done.
Oh, and thank you for such great advice!! Wow, I’m changed and now see my destination in life.
I honestly have come to believe that some people just want to put there opinions out there, instead of actually trying to understand and help.
Why don’t you just listen instead of trying to be a therapist. You’re giving me generic ass lines. Or listen, think, and maybe take a minute instead of jumping to all of the basic advice lines every one has already heard.
Do they really think they’re helping and feel good about themselves?
Because I go home feeling like nothing is helpful and that people are tards.
I can’t just tell myself to love myself. I don’t fool myself that easily.
My mom always shoved the same “advice” on me. But all I ever saw was a woman who also hated herself and called herself fat and ugly while looking in the mirror. When you’re a child seeing that 24/7, you start to see the negative in your self.
I could rant about that woman for a while. This isn’t about her.
This is about my frustration with hypocrisy. And people who apparently don’t have enough time to think of something more creative to say to me.
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self.Anxiety
|
I am a pathological liar and I don't believe there's anyway to undo what I've done Please bear with me because I don't know where to begin with this or how to get it started but I’m going to just start with this:
My whole life, I've had a tendency to lie about things. Though it always felt like something out of my control, I'm beyond weary of that sentiment at this point because I am the one choosing to say and do the things that I say and do and that now seems to be a massive excuse. I think the first time I remember lying was when I was a child and I told another kid in school I had a pet cat when I did not. It used to be small things like this, but over the years it got progressively worse. The first big one I remember was catfishing someone on MySpace in middle school for over a year. Around the same period, I lied to somebody I knew in real life about the death of a friend who did not exist. Later on in high school, I lied about my brother having diabetes to one person. I lied to practically everyone about applying to colleges I did not apply to. Worst of all, I've lied to people about having a dead sibling.
All these things I've lied about are deeply fucked up and objectively wrong. Nothing justifies this from where I stand now, and I feel insane for ever thinking anything did. I don't speak to many of the people I've lied to and unfortunately I do still speak to others, some of whom I am close to.
A few days ago, I was having a conversation with my ex that regarded my guilt. The purpose of this conversation was to apologize. We got into a huge argument about my lies. Ironically, I had been more honest with him than most people. I would however constantly hide things I was worried he would find out about (e.g. talking to other guys, where I was when he asked, etc.). I never cheated on him and I think he believes that, but the point is how could he ever believe someone like me?
I guess something worth adding is that I've dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life, since I was 9. I'm in my mid-twenties now. A lot of the times when I lied (especially about things relating to college, etc.), it was to just appear to have my shit together when that was so, so far from true - but you really don't need to lie about specific schools you're applying to and stuff to do that. I could have just quickly glossed over it. Other times, it was because I thought it would make people care about me more. Very dumb. I've dealt with a lot of various types of abuse people in my life but I'm so weary of qualifying any of that because as I've struggled with accountability over the past few days in a way I never have before, I've come to realize that that stuff doesn't really matter... many of the people I hung out with over the years who I lied to had issues of their own and tendencies to lie on a much smaller scale, but nobody is as fucked up as me I don't think. My ex was extremely emotionally abusive in a lot of ways not worth getting into and and physically abusive towards the end of our time together, but I honestly feel like the fact that he felt so confused about who I was excuses it. I have experienced sexual assault the summer after I graduated high school, but I really, truly believe I don't have the right to qualify any of my behavior with that considering the fact that I think this is a part of my personality.
I've learned over the past year that my mother very likely has this same issue. She is an alcoholic and I grew up in a pretty fucked up household growing up. My parents are no longer together but both of them have struggled with addiction on different levels and an array of other emotional/psychological problems. I am still processing a lot of this, but it is clear to me that my mom has a similar issue and it was one of many things kept from me and lied about to me throughout adolescents. I do wish I could talk to her but it is basically impossible to have an honest conversation with her because she either has never confronted it or made a decision a long time ago never to do so.
I'm really not doing well but it doesn't really matter because I don't think I have the right to ask for empathy. The thing is, my feelings don't change the truth. After this conversation I had with my ex a few days ago, this has become glaringly clear to me. It has become glaringly clear to me that aside from all my traumas and fears and everything, even if this is something I was born with, I made choices. My life is choices. I've made horrible, deceptive, fucked up choices. I've been thinking about ending it a lot the past few days very seriously. I've felt that before and have been hospitalized because of other things related to depression, but maybe actually really related to this. Even more ironic is that I have had second thoughts because I need to get things in order because of some of my lies.
I have considered confessing some of these things because I think if I don't off myself and don't confess, it's surely cowardice. I just don't even know where to begin with something like this given the sheer scope of some of it.
I've never confronted this as openly as right now. I don't want to rationalize any of it with my traumas or any bullshit like that. I've fucked up. I think the worst part is I've made such a mess of things that there would be very little left after my attempts to fix it and thinking about that scares me. How pathetic to feel entitled to any fear at this point.
My head feels like it has been spinning all week. I'm trying to spend time alone to truly reflect on this in spite of how painful it is and how little I feel allowed to that pain but I know the truth even if sometimes somehow it feels like I don't. I do feel capable of honesty which is crazy, right? Given all of this. I know it would be an undertaking and I have very few things on my side. But I do see now how harmful all of this was at a ridiculous cost for something I thought was okay.
There are shitty aspects of my life that are shitty for various reasons that I think could be resolved with therapy and the like, but I don't think I have very many options regarding this and eventually I'll have to make a choice. I hope I don't choose cowardice.
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self.offmychest
|
November feels intrinsic to our failed love You'll never read this. Someone might.
I saw you at 13 years old and I got tunnel vision. Out of character, I started a conversation with you after weeks of pining. You fell in love with me, I was obsessed with you. I cried every night thinking it was wrong to be gay and that I could never be with you. But we...dated as best as 14 years olds could. Stared at stars in your driveway we covered in chalk. I loved your dog. I loved how you smelled, like cherry blossoms. The sweetest, gentlest scent you could imagine. It took me until age 15 to realize it was probably just your detergent and not your godly being. I cried when you called and broke up with me. I pined over you until at 16 I got a girlfriend. I learned to ignore it.
But I never forgot you. Age 17 and a half she broke up with me. Age 18 I slept with my best friend, we did shrooms together and I cried for an hour straight over how devine you felt to me, Morgan. We still hardly spoke, but I was spending my nights staring at pictures of you and wishing the stars would align once more.
19 we attended the same community college. 19 we flirted. 19 we stared at stars in a field. And kissed in your car. It begun again. The pining replaced with content. Your mom was diagnosed with cancer. My best friend was in love with me. We broke up in my car. November. I failed the stars.
We never spoke. Your mom died. I went off to university. I came back age 20 for a weekend. November. I saw you in Target. We exchanged quick heys. I haven't seen you since.
It's November. I'm 21. My mom died. You're dating a guy, I'm dating my best friend.
I miss you. I long for the stars. We were destined. We have always felt connected and you know it. I feel a higher presence when I feel our connection, something no one else has given me. I've known you before. This life has no bounds. November each year forces dreams of you into my head. I wake up sweating.
We will never speak again.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s getting worse. I can’t numb it anymore. The only reason I’m still around it because I believe I must suffer. I’m hoping I can just drink myself to death in the next few years.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Lithium testing rant * My pdoc wants me to get a new test every time I lose 5-10lbs. That's a lot of fucking blood tests.
* I need to get one this week b/c I've lost 8lbs since my last test but...
* The testing center has no appointments open all morning - nothing until 2pm. So I have to show up without an appointment and hope they can squeeze me in. In the past this has worked well but it always makes me anxious since a delay at the testing center could make the test invalid. I need the level 9-11hrs post dose.
* Getting lithium levels done at all means I have to kinda stay up late and eat a weird late night snack, two things I am not a fan of.
* Last time I got a level the asshole phlebotomist used the big needle :( It's not a problem exactly, it doesn't hurt *that* much, but I really prefer the butterfly needle and will have to ask for it this time.
Sorry guys, just venting.
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self.bipolar
|
[Advice] Dealing with irritability, anger, relationship issues I'm diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. I'm taking a mood stabilizer and anti-anxiety medication that helps me stay relatively more level than how I was previously (when only taking an antidepressant). I definitely feel better taking the meds I'm on now, but I still deal with mood swings and have an extremely pessimistic mindset the majority of the time.
I have severe interpersonal issues. I don't feel like I communicate with anyone properly and I don't know how to change that. The problem is I know how to talk to people, but either my emotions get the best of me or I just don't care enough to bother putting forth the perceived effort I think it takes to deal with people.
I am married and I feel like my relationship with my wife is honestly pretty terrible. First of all, we both have mental issues and though I'm going to therapy and getting treatment, I still struggle with intense irritability issues and bouts of depression, anger, etc. My wife refuses to get any treatment for anxiety/depression because she "feels really anxious about going to the doctor." So nothing really changes. It feels like I'm stuck in an endless cycle that I have no idea how to break. My wife and I habitually take our negative emotions out on each other. I think it's fair to say we are both equally at fault for doing this in different ways. My wife struggles with anxiety and depression and it's as if we both are so preoccupied with our own personal issues that we are hardly ever present and involved with each other the way that I would like to be. We are both extremely distracted by how unhappy/stressed/irritated/anxious we feel pretty much all the time. I desperately want to fix this, but I don't know how.
I get really frustrated by how I feel. I spend most of my days feeling angry at myself or guilty for not being more positive and a better husband. I think one of my biggest problems is that I'm so beyond unhappy with my job and the grind of life in general just really brings me down. My wife has told me that she feels similar about her job. We find very little solace or respite in each other because of how negative we both feel. It's complicated, but essentially any negative emotion I express, my wife takes personally and it creates this huge wall between us. I guess you could say I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I don't really know how not to show my emotions. I'm very bad at repressing emotions or controlling them. Aside from taking medicine that just kind of makes me stop feeling stuff so much. It's like I know exactly what the problem is, I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to be more positive. I get so irrationally angry or sad and I don't know how to handle it except to tell myself I'm just being "crazy" and that the extreme emotion will eventually calm down. I used to smoke cigarettes to help me calm down whenever I felt anxious or angry, but I quit and I don't have any other way I know of to cope with those feelings. I don't want to have outbursts or lash out at people but it's just hard for me to deal with. My way of dealing with things is to just get them out as soon as possible. But when I talk about things to my wife, it just brings her down and she seems to want to blame herself for me feeling bad. I try to assure her nothing is her fault and I'm just needing to vent, but I've come to find it's never really a good idea to try to talk to her about anything. When I go to therapy, it helps me but I feel like it's just an hour of me venting and the therapist giving me some very general advice. I self analyze after leaving therapy and usually feel stupid and embarrassed about everything I talked about in therapy. Like how inconsequential and stupid the things that bother me really are in the grand scheme of things. My therapist says it's good that I am self aware and can recognize when I'm being irrational. The issue is I'm always irrational. I'm always overly emotional. Part of me resents the notion that I have to change for other people and pretend that things don't bother me just to fit into society and sell this illusion that nothing bothers me.
I don't really know what I'm looking for other than to just vent. Sometimes that's really all I can do.
What's difficult for me is that no one ever seems to understand or care what I'm going through. Everyone seems to think that I'm an asshole and just antisocial or mean. I hate that this is how people perceive me. I tend to inadvertently push people and I wish that I didn't. I hate feeling misunderstood and I wish that I could get along with people, have stronger relationships with my friends, and have a healthier relationship with my wife. But I'm just really really bad at being a decent person sometimes. There are times when my wife is just astonished and confused by how I act. She will make comments like "You're a crazy person" or "You are insane." And it's like I know that, but it really kind of hurts to hear someone say so. Sometimes I blame myself a lot for everything and it's messed up but I don't know if I deserve the blame or not. Maybe I'm in an abusive relationship and if I got out of it, I would be healthier. But maybe it is all me and I'm just looking for a scapegoat because I can't take accountability for the shit that I do and say. Maybe it's both... But I know I need to make a change before it gets worse. A lot of the time I feel like I'm completely wasting my life feeling so frustrated and unhappy.
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self.bipolar
|
[Rant] I feel like a car stuck in the mud [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know why I'm writing this, but think I want to end my life by the end of the month. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
While I know I’m not capable of doing it, the idea of it haunts me every day. I’m seriously depressed and have been for a while now: it seems like I have been this way my whole life, and while that’s not completely the truth because there have had brief moments in between the pain where I have at least had the illusion of happiness and fulfillment. I’m getting ready to graduate from college next summer with a degree that I have lost passion in, exercise physiology. I have decided to power through the remainder of my classes in dread in order to simply get the degree in hopes to eventually teach English abroad. Teaching English seems to be my true passion, especially after I became involved with the study abroad programs on my campus, meeting, hanging out with, and teaching international students from all around the world. Yet I wonder if I actually get a job teaching abroad how I will feel during my first class with the students. Will it actually make me feel a sense of accomplishment? A sense of fulfillment? I know for sure I will feel nervous and excited simultaneously. The hardest part about my depression is that when I am talking with someone, I feel absolutely horrible. I feel bad for the other person because if I were them I wouldn’t want to be talking with me. I don’t feel anything. I feel emotionally numb. I have a hard time empathizing for others as a consequence. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the verge of crying when someone is talking with me. They try to be fun, funny, and make jokes with me, and I do my best to conceal my depression with a lackluster unconvincing smile or laugh and it always seem to work in the sense that they don’t suspect that I’m depressed but rather sometimes they wonder if I’m tired from a long day or because I just went to the gym because I am known for working out and playing lots of sports. Working out and playing sports used to help me alleviate the pain even after I finished, but now it only seems to help as long as I am in the middle of working out or playing sports and even then that doesn’t seem to be the case 100% of the time. I making this post here rather than talking with my friends about it, seeing a psychiatrist, or pushing myself hard enough to actually do it, kill myself because there are still things I want to do in life, travel the world, learn other languages, help others somehow, fall in love with someone that I identify well with, that is not only my lover but also my best friend, and I want to experience this journey feeling good about myself, not feeling horribly depressed. Thanks for taking the time to read this small piece of my story.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
feeling alone lately I've always been a loner, and I never knew I struggled with anxiety until it hit me hard the summer after I graduated high school. I had best friends in high school, people that I would hang out with every weekend or after school when we had the chance. Ever since I've struggled with sever social anxiety. To the point where I shake when I speak, I fumble my words constantly and can't even seem to say the correct thing, and my hands are always clammy and sweaty.
Since graduating back in 2014, I'm now a complete loner. The one true best friend I had has completely left me high and dry for his new friend group, my second best friend still tries to contact me occasionally, but I usually decline because when I do hang out with him. He makes me feel really uncomfortable, and doesn't understand my anxiety at all, and has also been finding a new friend group. I'm now in my second year of college, and haven't met a single person. I'm also on academic probation for dropping out of too many classes because physically going to class makes me scared. I feel like I'm constantly scared, of everything and everyone. I don't really have any one in my life that can relate to what I'm going through, so I've shut down recently. Though now I am doing decent in school and on track to get out of academic probation, I've had this sudden urge of loneliness these past few weeks. I don't sleep, I rarely eat now, I don't talk to my parents about it and just constantly want to cry because I'm lost. I've had the urge to just cry and cry and cry the last three days. Not sure why, or where it came from. I don't work anymore, so I sit in my room and try to keep my mind occupied by playing video games. But even lately, I haven't wanted to do that either.
I just feel so alone, I want friends, I want to go out but I physically and mentally just can't bring myself to do it. I struggle with meeting new people in person. Has anyone else experienced something like this before?
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else just get destroyed when they see someone succeeding in getting/doing something you want to but can't? Yeah, me right now.
|
self.depression
|
Is anyone else kinda excited about WW3? Aside from the obvious 'i wanna die', there's something about communally coming together against a common enemy that's cool and makes the crippling loneliness feel less awful
|
self.depression
|
hypnagogia Hey guys I don't if this is the right thread to. Post but recently I've have hypnagogia and I'm a bit worried.
Like just before sleeping I see images and people's faces but only with my eyes closed and when I open them it's normal.
On the internet I have read that people see hallucinations when they open there eyes not while they are closing them.
So I want to know. If this is normal for hypnagogia or is it something else
|
self.Anxiety
|
So many people angry at their parents or their doctors for being circumcised when they were young. I can only be angry at myself. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Depression I just want some advice. I apologize if I'm brief or sound rude but honestly even typing this is exhausting.
I have some things that I need to do to get my life back on track and they're fairly easy but knowing I can do them isn't enough for me. I just have these overwhelming feelings of despair, dread, and depression. Things have been like this for close to a year now. My last "up" was in July.
Does anyone have any tips on how to get out of this. I keep trying to convince myself to do things but I always end up just laying back down in my bed and staring at the ceiling for hours. I feel hopeless and even contemplate suicide just to avoid dealing with my problems. I can't cry anymore or even force myself to smile. I just feel kind of drained and empty. I know things will be better if I get back into school but the thought of actually taking the steps necessary to do so is just so overwhelming.
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self.bipolar
|
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