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Trileptal, Lexapro, & Abilify? Hi, first time posting here. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, and bipolar II.
I've been on these meds for a few months now (was on both lexapro and abilify a couple years ago, but stopped and switched to others before being diagnosed with bipolar) and if anyone else has this combination of meds I was wondering, do you feel dead inside? I don't have neither highs or lows anymore. I get less joy out of my very few hobbies and just want to sleep all day. Not to mention lexapro completely destroyed my libido.
I just wanted to know if anyone else is experiencing this and do they know how to cope. I'm extremely bad at coping mechanisms and although I do not mind that much feeling this way (since I no longer am actively suicidal) I just wish I could find joy in things again.
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self.bipolar
|
Constantly have suicidal thoughts, but know I'll never be able to overcome base animal instincts for survival. This is fucking miserable. I know I want to die, yet I will never follow through with it because I'm obsessed with "surviving" out of instinct. I feel like this is something that everyone experiences, I know so many people who have had a suicidal thought, but never follow through with them or even attempt suicide because they simply have the instinct to keep going on. It's unexplainable, it's just something you HAVE to do.
We are trapped and the people in power know this, the majority of the population would rather be miserable and continue to live a mundane life as long as they were able to survive and fulfill their needs rather than commit suicide. We are complacent like pets and people who rule over us know this, we will continue to be complacent until our needs are no longer fulfilled. Society thinks of suicide as cowardly, but I feel it's a sort of bravery. To overcome an instinctual need to survive is one of the most courageous things I can think of.
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self.depression
|
People get into relationships all the time and I can't even get into a single one [deleted]
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self.depression
|
They doubled my antidepressants (SSRIs) I was on sertraline 50mg but am now on 100mg and basically I can’t function. Was a complete zombie at work, fell asleep in the stock room, cried.
How long will this take to go away? Also on 10mg aripriparazole but I think that is not helping.
Got a meds review ina. Few months
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self.bipolar
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I don't know if I want to age any more. It's not worth it to turn 24. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else get worsened anxiety combining benzos + alcohol? I have been on klonopin for only 2-3 months and have been really responsible about only taking it as needed. This afternoon I had really bad anxiety (likely related to holidays LOL) so I took one around 2:30 and then at 5 showed up at family christmas where I was immediately handed a large glass of wine. I thought, whatever, I'll be fine. At some point I was handed another and stupidly drank that too. I'm not a large woman and don't have a high tolerance so yeah that might have been a dumb idea.
The alcohol just seemed to increase the sedation from the klonopin but not in a sleepy way -- in a bad, horrible, catastrophic-thinking way to the point where I had a panic attack in the middle of our jolly good time and left early. I am still recovering from it a couple hours later and feel so down and hopeless. This will definitely be a one-time mistake for me.
Has anyone else actually had panic attacks/increased anxiety CAUSED by combining benzos & alcohol? It seems counterintuitive to me but it definitely just happened.
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self.Anxiety
|
Not a single one of my friends or siblings remembered my birthday. Turned 26 today and spent the whole day waiting and watching my phone for any sort of acknowledgement from
my friends and family. No one said a thing.
I've recently got out of 5+ year relationship which kind of fucked me up and thought my friends and family would be there for me, which they haven't.
I feel so. Fucking. Lonely.
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self.depression
|
Anxiety or hypomania? (No Bipolar diagnosed.) So basically I have Suicide-Pure-O(OCD) and anxiety. I worry a lot about being bipolar type II or cyclothymia.
However,
my doctor dismissed it, my friends too,
I asked if I show/have shown any hypomanic symptoms.
However when my anxiety gets better, I feel completely calm for like minutes. Then a background fidgety, unsettled feeling comes. Almost like I am fighting for it not to get intense again.
So I feel like I need to move or go out with friends or do something etc.
I made several tests online, about hypomania and they are all negative, but I still worry about this being bipolar or cyclothymia:
**- I do not feel euphoric (Sometimes I do when I finally prove to myself I am not an X person(OCD.)**
**- I do not talk more than usual.**
**- I do not talk faster than usual.**
**- I do not spend more money.**
**- I do get creative, but like always, nothing more.**
**- I do not feel like everything I do will succeed.**
**- I do not feel like everything is perfect.(But I feel like my life has returned to normal.)**
**- I do not sleep less.(my sleeping pattern is always the same 8 to 10 hours. Never less.)**
**- I do not take impulsive decisions.**
**- I do not feel less shy.**
**- I do not drive faster.**
**- I do not sing more than usual in my car.(sometimes I think I do, but not sure.)**
**- I do not drink more coffee than usual. (When my
anxiety is bad 1 or 2 max, when I am feeling fine maybe 3.)**
**- I do not smoke more than usual.**
**- I do not engage in a lot of new things.**
**- I do not see the things in an exiting new light.**
**- I do not binge eat.**
*But however:*
Sometimes I am irritable. And sometimes I get anxious, irritable and my mood drops. I worry it is depression, etc(I suffer from suicidal-OCD.), but the online tests show mild depression in the worst case.
My OCD is over existential stuff and suicide and even by typing those words gave me a strike in the stomach.
So basically I have a background feeling like life is meaningless(Not the depression feeling, more like scary feeling. Can't describe it.) with intrusive thoughts. It is always there. Even when I am fine with the things described above.
The suicidal thoughts are intrusive and always give me anxiety.
**Always.**
**Never relief**
I worry if i have mixed manic-depressive episode today and yesterday because:
I am irritable. I can't stop obsessing if it is bipolar(a guy on a forum told me it looks like is(he has bipolar disorder type I.)And it triggered it and since then this happens. I have like nervous energy and sweating hands. However my mood improved like two times during those days, because I found reasurance that it is not bipolar, I stopped obsessing and my mood improved and irrability dissapeared. But however it might be a coincidence(like the mixed episode dissapeared the same time I found reasurance about it not being bipolar or cyclothymia.)
Another thing which is worrying me:
As I was in my room, googling, obsessing etc. My brother was playing some game and talking all day. Which made me more irritable and I told him to shut up for a minute.
Also I felt like a need to go to sleep, because I became way too anxious and overwhelmed about this topic. I layed in my bed and I felt better.
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self.bipolar
|
New here, How to tell my family that I struggle with depression. I am new at reddit and just came across this subreddit. I am also new to admitting that I suffer from depression. It feels good to say that out loud somewhere even if its just typing it out. I have issues admitting this to friends and family so I figured this would be a good place to seek some feedback and to vent a little bit. This is a fairly long story so please bear with me. There is some background that I need to add, because I feel like it will help anyone that wishes to give advice or leave a word or two. I need advice on whether I should tell my family that I suffer from depression.
When I was 21 I lost someone that I thought I was going to marry. He died in a freak accident and it rocked me to my core. I had previously seen a friend die from cancer at 20, my father having surgery for cancer and another close friend also passing from a freak accident. My boyfriend that passed helped me through these other deaths and I relied on him for a lot. He was the kindest person I had ever met and he loved me wholeheartedly. He was one of those people that knew what he wanted and there were no questions and no games. We had a simple and straightforward relationship that was unheard of at that age. When he died, it knocked something lose in me. It unmoored me and sent me into some pretty dark depths. But on the outside, I lived my life like I normally would have. I have basically in shock and brain was not processing the death. I would cry for hours on end at night and I didn't sleep but in order to cope during the day, I did as many activities as possible. I tried to fill my days with endless activities so I wouldn't have to face the loss.
After he based, my family was not very supportive. They didn't understand what to do with with me. The saw me performing everyday activities and living my life so they figured that I had everything worked out. I went to counseling exactly three times in the year after he passed. My parents asked me not to come home the summer after he passed because it was too hard on them. I found friends to live with and struggled by myself.
A few years go by and my sister was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that causes severe health issues. My family's time and energy, including my own, went into her. My parents lives soon started to revolve around her and I got put to the side some more. I was fine with it because my sister needed them more. But I was still in that very dark place that made me hate myself. I hate multiple failed relationships and struggle to love others because I didn't love myself. I was obsessed with hating myself. I struggled along for awhile and things were only getting worse.
I met my now husband years ago. Like the beginning of any relationship I had, we struggled. I had some severe issues that were only getting worse and he struggled with how to deal with me when I got really deep into my self-hatred mode. I hit rock bottom when I tried to drown myself in a bathtub. Now writing that out, it sounds completely illogical but at the time made all the sense in the world. Turns out, it is incredibly hard to do. My brain wanted to call it quits and my body was not going to give up without a fight. I finally gave up and rolled on the floor puking up water. I cried for about 24 hours. I told my husband what happened and he suggested counseling and I went.
The counselor was amazing and started to aim me in the right direction. What started as counseling me through the death of a loved one turned into dealing with my family issues. It opened my eyes to issues that were exacerbated by my family. We started to work through some things from my childhood that created patterns that lead to my self-hatred and isolation. The showing of emotions is not welcome in my family and showing love was definitely not part of my life. Alcoholism was and still is an issue.
It was only in the last year that I have admitted that I struggle with depression and even though I have been clinically diagnosed, I never made it a reality for myself until now. I am still working on a lot of stuff but now the issue is telling my family. The reason why I hesitate is because we don't have the best relationship. I got put aside at a critical time and I resent the fact that they were gave up on me so easily. At the same time, my sister is facing some health issues but due to poor lifestyle choices is only making her situation worse. My parents only concern right now is her and because of this I am struggling with whether they should know.
Part of me says fuck them, they don't deserve to know and then part of me is still desperately seeking love from my parents. I feel like I have to tell them because I have been keeping it a secret for so long that part of me wants to feel the relief of just telling them. I also feel like they will get mad and me because I am taking away the attention from my sister. (this has been a common problem for years now). I also afraid that they will tell me that I making it up.
I would love some feedback if possible. I have only told one friend about this and my husband knows but I still so afraid of being judged for admitting it to other. Thanks in advance for anyone that makes it through this long story.
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self.depression
|
Can anyone help me? I’m currently in my bed and I’m feeling very disconnected from myself. It’s really uncomfortable and I feel doom is coming my way. I don’t know what to do to ease the feeling. I could try to distract myself. I need reassurance and for someone to tell me that I’m gonna be ok and not die. Because that’s what it feels like.
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self.Anxiety
|
About 3 years Is how long it takes everyone to get over your death. According to that one girl from my high school that killed herself in May 2014. If I'm gonna put my family through 3 years of hell, shouldn't I do it sooner rather than later?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't get out of my head - scared that parent is sick [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Needed to tell this to someone. Reddit felt like the only medium [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I don’t know the difference between my dreams and my reality anymore.. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Finally am leaving my crap job.... Granted I really just put in my two weeks. Either way I managed to end something that was making my depression and anxiety worse because the job environment and the boss was shit. Was so nervous giving them my two weeks notice letter today that it felt like I drank 16 5 Hour Energy's all at once and also wasn't sure if I was going to let my emotions get the better of me and either break down or break face. Was also happy I followed through on something I said I was going to do instead of saying screw it, I'm a failure, and be defeated. Was a total self esteem booster standing up to someone who enjoys bringing you down. Going to work on job applications now that I know I'm leaving a bad job situation. Sorry for the ranting, just really proud of myself for sticking up for...myself.
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self.depression
|
Health related anxiety through the roof Ugh. You guys. My anxiety has never gone away but it hasnt been for years & years that it’s been so focused on an illness for an extended amount of time. In the past I️ve been convinced I️ has some life threatening disease like AIDS. As I’ve gotten older the thing that really freaks me out is a brain annurysm or a tumor. I️ had a weird experience the other day and am convinced there’s a tumor. My psychiatrist asked if I’ve ever seen a neurologist (I️ get migraines) I️ said of course not cause I’ll go stand they’ll tell me something is wrong.
Anyone else have health related anxiety where you are hyper-sensitive to every sensation? And terrified in general of health issues? How do you deal? Have any tricks you can share?
|
self.Anxiety
|
A three hour conversation is making everything worse. Comtext: I knew a girl in middle school. End of middle school, we both moved away but kept in touch. Found out we liked each other and started a long-distance relationship. End of sophomore year, she dumped me for her best friend. That was a year and a half ago.
Monday night (well, more like early Tuesday morning), I get an instagram notification (dead account) from her username. Strike up a conversation (she didn't realize who it was, only that I was in her contacts and that she liked the pictures I posted). She's still dating what's-his-nuts, and in fact busted up her hand on a date with him that night. She's totally doped up on pain meds, so I'm not even really talking to her.
She gets tired, I tell her to go to sleep. I stay up till morning.
That day, I go to school and I am *exhausted*. Like, properly pooped. And then that night, at work, I'm even more tired.
But the whole time, I can't stop thinking about her, and I can't figure out why. I don't want to date her. I respect her relationship with homeboy and the fact that she doesn't like me like that anymore.
I go to sleep that night way early. Dreamless sleep.
Next day (today), I wake up later, rush to get to school on time, and ultimately arrive earlier than usual. I go to my first class, but the teacher doesn't get there until later, so I sit.
And there she is again. I think about all the time I spent loving her and how good I felt and how it's all gone, how it's *been* gone. How she has someone else, and I'm all alone. But I don't fucking get it. I've been through all this before when she broke up with me!
And then I think about it. Does my mind think I'm re-breaking up with her? Is it going through the motions again?
It started off alright. We honestly talked as if we'd never stopped. Did I somehow convince my subconscious that we were back together, and now I'm going through the break-up emotions *again*?
One time is enough. Once is normal. But I can't do it again. Not like this.
|
self.offmychest
|
How do I escape this shit? HOW?! 44k in debt with no degree. No jobs will call me back. Out of money. Parents driving me insane. I have no real dreams or aspirations. I'm not saying i'm suicidal, but I honestly understand why people get to that stage.
|
self.depression
|
Anybody have experience with Buspar for anxiety? My anxiety has been bad lately and it's getting to the point where my throat and chest feel tight and seized up pretty much all day every day. I've heard good things about Buspar. Anyone here tried it? I have clonazepam as a prn but it's not especially effective for the physical symptoms and I prefer something that isn't habit forming.
|
self.bipolar
|
My girlfriend... Is a lazy p.o.s
I hope she forgets
|
self.offmychest
|
Panic attack currently Anyone else having a panic attack currently?
|
self.Anxiety
|
How was your 2017 in regards to your mental illness Mine was probably what made my depression turn into extreme crippling depression. 2017 was the worst year for me. I lost my grandpa who I’ve lived with since I was 5, became addicted to opiates, got dumped by my abusive boyfriend of 3 years, lost my best friend (and only friend) of 7 years to an argument, I was raped, I developed an eating disorder, crashed my car in a semi where my car was totaled, and lost 3 jobs, if that makes anyone feel better about their year.
Just feel free to post on how your year was id love to support all of you 💖
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self.depression
|
what's the point of talking to someone about your depression? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I'm home here, thank you all I can shout, cry, or mourn without judgement.
I feel motivated to listen, reach out, and do what I can to ease the burden of others when I'm able.
Through reading the situations that sound like my own, I learn about myself and the dangers of our condition.
For all the salt on reddit it's been an incredible discovery and has definitely eased my adjustment process since diagnosis.
Thank you to you all for being as patient and as understanding as others are to you here.
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self.bipolar
|
Starting new job - feeling increasingly worse about my own abilities [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Frustrated and having relationship issues and looking for a friend or support Posting this here because fuck r/relationships advising I just move on.
So my girlfriend and I have been together for 9 years, straight out of high school. We've grown a lot, but not apart. We hangout, we enjoy each other's company, share the same interests.
We live together with my parents, we pay rent, but we've been staying here until we can work out our own apartment school and work. She loves my parents and what they've done for her, but their politics conflict with ours, they're downright racist and living here is a strain.
She urgently wants to get her career together which is great, I'm still finding my passion and plan to work and do school while figuring it out.
But I guess she fears I was growing too complacent. She was worried she was too comfortable and that she would never move toward her future at this rate.
So she's been saying her love has dwindled for me, and she sees us as mostly friends right now. The thing is, we cuddle, have a sexual relationship and tell each other we love each other daily.
I still feel like we have a chance and that the uncertainty of the future is just straining us. We're totally compatible, love the same stuff, I support her, and she supports me emotionally.
I mean what do you think?
This whole thing is weighing so heavy on me. I feel like if you work hard enough you can make anything work, but right now she doesn't seem to want to.
I'm just so frustrated, our relationship is like magic, why can't we just work on this? Why is it so hard to see you still love me if nothing has changed between us but the title...
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self.offmychest
|
Newly (and totally unexpectedly) diagnosed and feeling a bit lost So I have a myriad of health problems, Sjogren's syndrome, fibromyalgia, CFS, IBS and many allergies to name a few. Though I have suffered from severe mental health issues in the past (more on that later), recently I have always assumed the cause of any mental distress was being in excruciating physical pain and discomfort 24/7. However, I was referred to a psychiatrist by my primary care because I was having trouble sleeping and had no appetite and extreme nausea which was flaring up all my many health conditions and making me lose a worrying amount of weight. She had mentioned that she strongly suspected I was bipolar, at the time I thought little of it.
I had initially planned to cancel my appointment with the psychiatrist until my boyfriend unexpectedly broke up with me. I figured a therapy referral and some meds to aid the emotional distress of this would not be a bad thing, so I kept the appointment.
I was expecting to maybe be diagnosed with moderate anxiety and adhd. I hadn't expected to be diagnosed with anything more severe because I used to suffer from psychotic depression to the extent that I experienced multiple suicide attempts and a hospitalisation, but I remember what that felt like and simply don't feel anything resembling that anymore. However, upon explanation, I now understand how multiple doctors have come to the conclusion that I am bipolar.
As being able to eat and sleep is the top priority I've been put on Remeron first and will add Lamictal (I'm hyper-sensitive to medications so I can't start 2 simultaneously) to that in a couple weeks when I next see my psychiatrist, to both confirm the diagnoses and establish the type of bipolar disorder.
After doing some research into bipolar many things are starting to make sense but I'm still unsure of what this means going forward. I'm studying abroad so my support system is an ocean away and aside from my now ex-boyfriend, there's no one I am close to or have regularly socialised with where I am so I'm having to process this all on my own. What questions should I be asking? What should I know? How can I expect mood stabilisers to impact me? How do I recognise mania and differentiate it from (what I thought was) my often excitable/enthusiastic personality or normal changes in mood?
TL,DR: Had attributed mental health issues to other health conditions. Finally gave in to seeing a psychiatrist due to a break-up and now know I'm bipolar and have no idea what this means going forward. My friends and family are all in another time zone so with this news plus the end of a long-term relationship I feel more isolated than ever.
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self.bipolar
|
I’ve just discovered how good razor blades are for cutting it’s frightening me [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to die I'm too depressed to make a decent post that will explain everything and I keep deleting what i type, the TLDR is I don't enjoy my life and everyday I'm with people who put me down, I'm lazy, I work a low tier job and my mental health is constantly deteriorating. I'm scared there's no way out and I'm too weak to seek any help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
looking for a place to drop my suicide note; may it be here not like all the other sons of bitches around the corner; i'm straight-forward, real and to the point. Now that I know my fate, I'm can finally do it. Now this world will have a burden lifted off its shoulders, and some other form, possible reincarnation will better it instead I.
after my leave, refer to quote: 'facing fate, evil mist rebirth' during the investigation. study model: derrick, it explains it all for me.
forum referred to as 'trf' may shine some light too.
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self.depression
|
I have a confession... Hopefully this is allowed. I just need to get it off my chest and I just don't think I can tell anyone else, because how do you tell someone close to you that you secretly want to die? No one would believe me. They would all tell me I am just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe that is the case. I don't know.
I've always been intrigued with the Golden Gate Bridge. Always wondered what it would be like to jump off of it. Liberating, maybe. You wouldn't know what it would feel like unless you were that 1 percent that survived. I am intelligent enough to know and understand this, yet my curiosity just got the best of me.
I saved money to go to San Francisco. I saved enough to go with my cousin. I told her I wanted to see Alcatraz Island, which wasn't a lie. I've always wanted to see Alcatraz. My plan was to see Alcatraz on day 1 and then the following day, visit the bridge.
For whatever reason, we didn't get to see Alcatraz until the 4th day. We did the typical touristy sight seeing activities. We took a tour bus across the bridge. We had the opportunity to get off the bus and walk across the bridge, which was when I intended to jump.
But as the bus approached the spot to let riders off, if they wanted to walk across, we didn't get off. I told my cousin we should wait until the next day, because it was going to be warmer.
My main reason, I was enjoying my time with my cousin. At that point in time, I didn't feel like I was alone. I felt like I was wanted in someone's life. That was the first time in years. We were in San Francisco for 3 more days, we went on the bus tour once more the night before we were leaving. We didn't get off the bus to walk across. It just didn't seem important at the time. It was if my cousin without knowing it, just by being there, just by distracting me, by having one of the best weeks I have really ever had, saved my life in a sense, without even knowing.
My time in San Francisco was absolutely amazing. Now, after being back home for almost a year, I have nothing but regrets. Why didn't I just do it? Why did I let that short sense of fulfillment distract me? Why do I feel guilty for not following through with my initial plan?
I constantly wonder if the was because I just couldn't put my cousin through that. It wouldn't have been fair to leave her in a different state to deal with that.
She wouldn't have known that was my intention. Would she have cared? I find myself being upset with myself now because I didn't jump. My cousin doesn't talk to me all that often, just like she didn't before San Francisco. Why would I think it would have been different? I'm still just as alone as I was before that trip. It still feels like no one really cares.
I should have just jumped. Why didn't I just jump?
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self.depression
|
I'm feeling guilty about change. So recently I've decided to change up my medical team. I'm really not happy with the service I'm being given. My therapist wants to be my friend and life coach instead of actually talking to me about my past and things bothering me, and my psychiatrist is really nice but with her being fairly new out of college I don't think she's really ready for someone like me. With all that said I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety about my decision. Does anyone have some words of wisdom or have been through a similar situation? Anything would be appreciated so that I know I'm not alone.
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self.bipolar
|
What depression feels like to me Depression is commonly portrayed as the term for ‘perpetual sadness’, though this is in fact the polar opposite of what depression truly is. Depression is not embodied by anything physical or mental, it is the empty space lingering behind our thoughts and emotions, depression is essentially the dark matter of the brain spilling over, and engulfing everything that makes us human, all of our positive emotions, motivation, and feelings that push us to better ourselves. For this reason, depression is not something that can be fought, it cannot be countered by positive thinking, there is nothing to fight, it is not something that can be reasoned with, it takes reasoning and logic along with it, which is what I think makes it so terrifying. Real depression is an endless plane with no up and down, no left and right, and no end in sight, any which way you look.
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self.depression
|
Okay time to start making changes 32, male, unhappy with my life. Its been over 12 years since I've had a meaningful relationship with a woman. I have a lot of baggage in that I have not yet figured out how to Overcome. I keep telling myself a good way to better myself is to make lists. Why here? Hopefully making this public (though anonymous) will make what I write stick with me and help drive positive change in my life.
15 things I look for in a woman:
1) has a nice smile
2) quite confidence
3) attractive
4) takes care of her health
5) good sense of humor
6) isn't overly dramatic
7) enjoys art and music
8) adventurous
9) owns up to her mistakes
10) cares about others
11) has sexual stamina
12) open minded
13) listens non judgmentally
14) isnt full of herself
15) gives people the benefit of the doubt
Baggage (things i need to work on/overcome):
1) My brothers death.
2) Living in the past.
2a) Devoting to much thought to events that have already happened.
3) Festering wounds between parents, especially my mom.
4) anxiety.
4a) depersonalization anxiety symptoms.
4b) lack of focus, in conversation, and daily life.
5) comparing my life to others around me. Being overly self conscious.
6) being way to open with others, to much information to quickly.
What I believe women find off putting of me:
1) Going to fast
2) Unorganized
3) Not thinking before acting
3) Lack of confidence
4) Not taking care of myself
5) At times, to rigid of thinking
6) Acne
7) Forgetfulness (lack of focus)
Step to take to improve myself:
1) Seek help for anxiety
2) Stop drinking coffee (One cause of my acne)
3) Move more, exercise more
4) Get back into photography, I need an artistic outlet
5) Write down goals, short term goals and long term goals
6) Stop taking sex so seriously
7) Learn how to focus more (exercise will help), work towards being more goal oriented
8) Read more, anything that will stimulate my mind
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self.offmychest
|
id honestly just like to die there is nothing in life i enjoy, im sitting at my pc just staring at the screen. im the type of person who requires a strong emotional connection with a partner to feel anything. i had this for around a year and a half until she cheated on me. then has the audacity to tell me she still loves me however just doesnt want to be with me? i dont get it either. so we blocked eachother for a month. suddenly start talking again and shes still fucking around with the guy she cheated on me with. i dont understand why she bothers if shes just going to emotionally abuse me. id just like to die tbh there is nothing in this world for me
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Effects of Double Dosing Meds? **I'm not trying to do this at all and I do not recommend anyone try it.**
When I went to go take my pills today, I realized I was a day ahead on my pill tray. I must have accidentally double up'd one day. Coincidentally, yesterday, I also had a pretty bad hypomanic bordering on manic spell after not sleeping the night before.
I know the answer is going to be different for everyone depending on what meds they take and how much of them they take, but I was wondering if there was sort of a... general issue...? Have you guys ever accidentally done this? What happened?
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self.bipolar
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Any hope of easing anxiety symptoms? I've been a self conscious, anxious, worrisome person since probably 6th grade or so. I'm 32 now. My symptoms consist of shallow breathing, dizziness, constant tiredness, teeth grinding, headaches, chest pain, feeling of pressure in my back, fearful thoughts, etc.
I've always been self concious and had mostly social anxiety symptoms (I would dry heave when I went out in public but I've gotten over that at least). Since a very stressful time in my life at the end of 2015, I had multiple panic attacks, uncontrollable shaking, pain coming and going in various parts of my body, etc. Went to the e.r. b/c I thought I was having a heart attack - just ended up being heat related heart palpitations. I went to a therapist once my doctor told me I was physically healthy and I mostly got through all that.
So now I'm in a place where I'm a little bit better but I really would like to start 'managing' my anxiety rather than having to wait for it to get really bad again. Any recommendations?
I'm interested in trying tai chi, changes to diet, meditation, yoga, anything... I'm just terrible at figuring out how to fit those things into my days and actually make them habit. Any help is appreciated. Thanks for reading!
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self.Anxiety
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It's so easy to feel this way again, and it's scary. [deleted]
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self.depression
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You Look Like You've had a Long Day. As I was leaving the office this afternoon a random guy held the door open for me. As a guy, I always feel a bit awkward when someone does that so I was apprehensive walking through the door. I guess he picked up on that and announced, "I'll hold the door for you. You look like you've had a long day." I let out a tired chuckle and said, "Yeah, thanks." as I walked through the door.
Work stress is gnawing at me enough that random people are noticing. It's weird given that work is not actually that bad. It's a mix of uncertainty, lack of direction, lack of motivation, and short deadlines; all in small but equal proportions.
My manager is very much in the same boat but is either unfazed or has perfected his mask.
It seems that I've lost the zest for dealing with the daily BS of corporate politics. I think about switching companies only to realize it'll probably be the same or worse, especially considering it's relatively low key here. Nope, the issue is me.
In addition, a coworker I enjoy talking to daily is interviewing at another company and might leave. Even though I am happy for them, it's a bummer.
So yes, I've had a long day, tomorrow doesn't look any better, but thanks for noticing.
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self.Anxiety
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Please help me to help my brother. I'm 23, he's 19. We don't have the best family background (divorced parents, neglectful irresponsible Mother with suspected depression/bipolar disorder, Father with suspected depression and bad mood swings and anger management issues)
I've struggled with personal image issues my whole life and I've recently started seeing a therapist. While I don't feel much different yet, I'm hopeful that I may get better. Most days, I do want to continue living. When people ask me who I live for, I always mention 2 ppl - my Long term boyfriend and my Brother.
Recently, I found out that my brother has been cutting himself and that he wants to die. He's also said very painful things, like how he doesn't really love anyone enough to stay alive, not even me. I always thought we were partners through all the shit we went through, but now I realise that perhaps I'm just another shitty family member to him.
I'm very sure that if his life continues this way, he will kill himself one day. I really don't want that to happen. Despite the fact that he doesn't care for me as much, I love him and don't want to see him die. I want him to get better but he won't see a therapist. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do to stop this before the inevitable happens.
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self.SuicideWatch
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ssri induced apathy Hey everyone. I was on SSRIs for years, for severe anxiety and depression
Aprox. 3 years after stopping my medications, and recovering from GAD and depression, I'm still apathetic.
Has anyone had this for a long period of time like me, and came out the other side? Does anyone know what medications I could take to get better?
So upsetting to spend years sick, and to only get better and realise youre apathetic :(
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self.depression
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Assistance with Ketamine treatment? I'm trying to plan out treatment but lodging, transportation and funding is difficult.
Are there any resources or strategies that can help?
I'm feeling less depressed and need to act quick before my motivation disappears
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self.depression
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i miss who my mom was and i miss my great grandma MM [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why dont you want your relationship to be exciting???!!! [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I feel like a dick but.. Friend called and her fuck buddy (a guy im genuinely cool with) is in jail and she wants me to sign his bail.
Everyone left town except me because I have a flat on Christmas Day. Im already pissed dealing with that. I call my parents and they explain the ordeal behind signing for his bail release.
Idk why he is in there in the first place but I don't want him getting out and thinking of me as a hoe. Because I got sent to jail (ticket went to an old address so they issued a warrant) and luckily I went to bail myself out before turning myself in. I had my roommate and everything arranged.
Im just surprised dudes parents or anyone closer cant take the intiative to get him out and why I have to. I already have to deal with my own court date and fees and would not rather have to worry about someone else. I guess its one of those should I put myself before or reach out and possibly get bit in the ass.
Is it not a big deal to sign someone for bail in Texas?
Plus id have to uber back n forth of about $60 (flat) but she would pay me for all that.
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self.offmychest
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How do you speak to people? The day that i have to go to therapist to talk about my life is nearing im getting so anxious that im losing alot of sleep.
therapy is scheduled 19th this month and already shaking thinking about going outside of my house, even leaving my room is enough to make anxious...
how the hell am i suppose to talk to therapist like this ;_;
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self.depression
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Is this anxiety? I just watched a video from one of my favorite youtubers. He explained his struggle with anxiety and he described exactly how I've felt for nearly 5 years.
I've never had a word to describe it because my father is a "get over it" kind of guy, very loving and supportive but old school for sure. So I just pretend it's fine most of the time
I stay up late at night (really late) because i can't sleep, my mind races with thoughts and fears I never knew I had before. I make excuses to not go see my best friend, not cause I don't want to see him but because I feel like ..... I actually can't put that to words, i don't know how to describe that feeling. I seclude myself when family and friends come to my house, sometimes not coming out of my room at all on purpose. Or pretend in asleep.
The absolute biggest thing is im scared. Scared of everything, I haven't driven a car in over a year cause I feel like every car is gonna crash into me, or I'm gonna break down, or I'm gonna be pulled over for no reason. Every time a plane flies over my house it takes my a second to convince myself its just a plane flying over and not falling from the sky
So my question is, is this anxiety? If so what can I do? Thank you for just reading this regardless if it is or isn't. It felt good to type it out.
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self.Anxiety
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Panic attack advice please I had to work 10 hours yesterday, after 8 hours i got my first break so i sat down and all of a sudden everything seemed off. I was looking at my smoothie cup and it did not feel normal is this derealization?. My mind started racing and i thought i was going into a state of psychosis. After 5 minutes i felt really anxious but the going insane part was over.
I am quite able to cope with panic attacks which makes you think you will die but the attacks which makes you think you are going crazy i cannot. Can someone relate and how does one cope?
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self.Anxiety
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Sex? What’s that?? Anybody else completely lose interest in sex? I think I can chalk it up to lexapro but I don’t have any desire for sex at all.
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self.bipolar
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I’m doing well for my age, but I feel so unhappy So I’ve just finished work for Christmas and I’m looking forward to having a lovely time with my friends and family despite having a horrible cold. I’m 20, from the UK and I managed to get what seemed like an amazing job with a large organisation, despite for various reasons not making it to university after I finished school with amazing grades. I work with some bumbling idiots who I hate, and feel so much lesser because I haven’t been to university, but neither have they. They leave me to do all of the boring admin jobs like sorting the post and it’s really starting to get to me because I did so well at school. Some people have told me to go back to university, even though I feel too old, and others have told me to stick it out. This isn’t my first job. I raised it with my manager, who didn’t really care and said that I should deal with it... I’m looking for new jobs and also have a University application. Any advice?
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self.offmychest
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I’ve always been shy and had a little bit of social anxiety but I feel this has turned into a full blown case of sa. Im constantly aware of my surroundings and can’t really relax if there’s a bunch of people around. I have a real hard time making eye contact which is something that never was a huge problem for me. And recently I have no desire to socialize with people outside of work because the anxiety makes it a miserable experience for me. Thanks for listening and any tips would be appreciated
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self.Anxiety
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Not as serious as some of your issues but.. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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does anyone feel like this? many people are enjoying this new years eve with their friends,families,lovers and whatever. but me here depressed at home and not feeling like its new year eve and not excited for 2018 and dont have anyone to celebrate with or have friends to wish me new year.
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self.depression
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Feeling a little less hopeless than I should for whatever reason. I'm in a good bad position considering my life, but I don't know what to tell myself to be reassured that it will get better, and I will work to the bone to do so. I am disillusioned and don't know what to shoot for. I know the direction, and I know how hard I wanna hit, but in terms of what I do in my off time, the precious time I have in spite of my responsibilities. I don't know if I will see the other end of this, and what will happen. I honestly don't know. I don't know where I am. If you are lost, please sympathize with me. I am lost and afraid. I fear and hope for change, as I work towards it ever diligently. I am making progress, meeting goals, but am I going fast enough, and am I good enough to hack it? What kind of effort does it take to hack it? Am I worrying too much? What will happen?
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self.depression
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I feel like i don't exist lately I have been feeling like I dont actually exist like at all. I can look and feel things but I just feel like im observing them but not actually existing or even there with them. even looking at myself or my had i feel like i just dont exist and that thats not even me. whats even happening
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self.Anxiety
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Iv'e reached my breaking point. I ave had fucking enough. I plan to kill myself this weekend or next.
I just can't fucking take it anymore. This mental pain....
When the person I loved broke up with me....
When i can't Fix anything on my own or get help....
Iv'e just fucking had enough...
no more.
no more of this shit...
I can't hold it together....
I'm slowly sinking on this endeavor....
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self.SuicideWatch
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Failing uni... again. (Rant) Hi bipolar buddies,
Sorry for the rant that’s coming. I feel really low and need to vent and eventually talk. I’m too ashamed to talk about it to someone IRL. I failed my first master year (fourth year in my country) for the second time. I just passed my first semester finals yesterday and I know for sure I failed one of the three, and I’m not too sure about an other one. I really wanted to succeed, it was my main goal in life since I’ve started my studies and since last year I just can’t bring myself to study enough. I’m tangled in a huge cycle of procrastination, with anxiety by my side. My studies are very selective and at the end of this year there will be a big selection (20 out of ~200 students selected) and man I fucked so bad that i can’t help but hate myself.
Being a student and having bipolar can be really hard to manage, and the only time in my life where I’ve been proud of myself was when I completed my « degree » (licence, 3 years) because well it’s hard for everyone but bipolar add some extra difficulties that can mess with the entire thing.
I know I’m capable of doing it but now it’s too late. If I’m not selected at the end of the year, it will be over, I will not be able to retake anything or try again the selection the year after because of some laws that evolved. It was my last chance to become a neuropsychologist and I fucked up. Even if I pass my class my grades will be too low. Even if I retake the class that maybe I missed during the second session in June my student file will never be looked at.
So why fuck why wasn’t I able to study properly ? I had all the time, I was in a better mood than last year, I was getting better but yet I still managed to fuck everything up.
No really it’s too hard for me and I’m not ready to deal with it. I feel that depression is coming. I was so happy to think about finishing all my exams and now I don’t care about the holidays I don’t fucking care. I’be been fighting really hard for my studies. It saved me from suicide. And even during really bad mood episodes the only think that was keeping me from sinking too deep was that I had a degree to complete. I ruined everything.
I don’t know what to do.
Sorry for my bad English by the way and congrats if you read everything.
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self.bipolar
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A motivational story to help you cure your depression Hi so i am now 16 years old and i am here to tell you a story about my somewhat hard life . So i was born in 2001 and i had a really good life till i was 5 years old. It was at that time that my mother died , even at that age that was a real shock to me. My father became a drunk who left me to live with my grandma and grandpa . He thought that all the time he spent with my mom and me was gone and he did not care at all what would happen to me. To this day he still is a drunk. Now some people would think think the problems with him were finished but they were not. He would come to my grandparents house and abuse us , break stuff and that sort of things. He would tell me that i should have died and that it is my fault that he became what he did which in that time i thought was right and one time i even wanted to commit suicide. Also my uncle was not any better then my father. He would eventually get a wife and a kid but he spent all the money on bingo and that type of things where there were high risk big reward games . That would crush the soul of my grandparents and they would also become abusive to me and stopped caring at all what they were doing. They even broke my phone just because i did not hear them call me in to the bedroom . That was just a horrible experience and trust me you would not like to live like that. But about 3 years ago i met a girl that changed my life . Usually i would be always depressed in school and no one wanted to be with me or try to understand me , they would say i am stupid and would not even look at me when they walked by me they would look at the sky or on some wall. Only that one girl in my class cared about me. She felt that something in my life was wrong and she talked with me and i confessed to her about my life. She told that to her friends and they tried to help me which they did. They became my friends which changed me and made me who i am now. I am now more social then ever , i started working out , going to parties and all in all became a totally different person . I always told myself things would get better and i tried my hardest to change my life . I thought i was alone for the majority of my life but boy was i wrong. My friends mean to me more then anything now and i would even die for them since they were the ones that showed me what life really means . I even confessed to the girl that helped me that i love her ( that did not go as planned brb ) . She did decline and said she was not ready for a relationship and that i respect. So for all of you with a case like me just remember ,,PEOPLE WILL NOTICE HARD WORK AND DEDICATION AND WILL TRY TO HELP YOU ,, . You do not need to be a person that others want you to be , you need to be just yourself. Be a good person that you are proud of that is just be YOURSELF . Today everyone wants to succeed and be rich and have a lot of girls,but you do not need that. You just need to be happy and be yourself and trust me people will notice you even if you are depressed beyond belief. Freely open up to people since they wont ask you about your life to laugh at you they will ask you because they want to help you. Also there is one more thing i want to mention that helped me to some point. There is that one anime called ,,Naruto,, that can help you with a life like that . I would recommend it to anyone that has a life like i had .
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self.depression
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Intrusive Thoughts Hello, first time poster here. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Panic disorders in 2016. I feel like I have made great personal progress during that time but now I have new symptoms that I do not know what to do with. Firstly, I've been feeling especially good the last few weeks (Sunshine in Northern Germany, a miracle!) but I've been having WAY more intrusive thoughts (about self-harm, to be concrete). I have always had intrusive thoughts on and off, but it confuses me as to why I'm having so many when I've been feeling pretty well lately. To make matters worse, I am spontaneously SUPER angry at little annoyances, which magnifies the thoughts tenfold and I have to resist the urge to break or hit something (including myself), which stresses me out more and fuels the cycle. I'm only finding resources for OCD, which I don't have. Does anyone have any tips on how to lessen this raging, destructive feeling? Or link to resources for those that don't have OCD? Any help would be appreciated
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self.Anxiety
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Hey my gf just broke up with me after cheating on me with 10 different guys ik youre gonna call me stupid and shit like that or not believe me but any advice im having a really tough time rn
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self.depression
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Waiting for news about a dream job i have had an interview for, i realize how much i can't handle stress... **tl;dr** *stressed, anxious, I don't even know what or why I'm writing here. I think this post is the only way I've found to organize my thought a little and let a bit of steam off.*
I mean, I know I can't handle stress. But this is getting ridiculous.
I've stress for the past month for them to call me for an interview. I've stress waiting for the date of my interview, now they are supposed to take a decision between yesterday and the start of next week and, well, I'm stressing.
I'm at the end of my possibilities here. I've worked a couple of months at the beginning of the year to start a company with the help of a local organization around where I live to see the funds get axed and, not too soon after, realizing that the company wouldn't do much, so I let the idea go. I went back to freelancing but I've kept piling up debts. It's not too much, I know people who would look at my debts and laugh as being nothing, but it's the end of the road for me here, my own credit possibilities are maxed out.
If that job isn't for me, it means going back to McDonald's or Subway or anything. _It's not bad_, it's just so not where I thought I'd be at the moment. Especially since that job I'm waiting for is _really_ the dream job.
I can't think straight, at this point, I'm not even able to meditate. I just sit there not being able to do anything good. My nervous tics are active to the point it's hurting physically and I've had urges to drink to numb the anxiety (I never got that before and it's scary!). The only coping mechanism I've ever had that was successful is kinky (/r/BDSMCommunity style) sex that I can't even have because well, I'm a member of the /r/deadbeadrooms crowd. And anyway, it would just be burrying my head in the sands, that ought to do no good.
I look at the Rivotril I have been prescribed a long time ago and I don't take them. I know I should. My doctor underlined so heavily last time that those where addictive and they where only for cases panic attacks that I kind of feel ashamed for taking them at the moment, since I'm not having an attack...
I just hate how my brain works at the moment. My chances for the job are good. I should just wait for the call and live on... But I don't. My life is on pause because I'm frozen by stress and anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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back again two weeks ago i made a post here expressing my thoughts on whether or not i should jump in front of a train, since then i was in a psychiatric ward for 10 days where they deemed me to be at a low suicide risk, ive been out of the ward for a few days and have since seen a psychiatrist and have been prescribed copious amounts of medications and i’m not sure why today i’m feeling particularly badly but i am finding the urge to take all the medications i’ve been prescribed all in one big go (possibly downing it with alcohol as well to affect my system more seriously i guess) and i just hate how when i’m in hospital i seem fine because i know i can’t hurt myself yet as soon as i get out all i want to do is attempt again which just isn’t fair on everyone who has been looking after me these past two weeks
i am mainly just feeling lonely and i just want to feel some sort of connection to someone
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't even make myself go to class anymore [deleted]
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self.depression
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My mom is going through depression and asked me for help and i dont know what to do [deleted]
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self.depression
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What If Depression Is the Truth, Not a Disease It's been a long fucking time for me. We know that a lot of people will just never get over depression, and maybe for some of them, depression is just a rational reaction to the shittiness of their life.
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self.depression
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Long Term Planning? Is that contradictory to the ever present thought right now that I no longer wish to exist?
What difference does it make to wait for certain conditions to be met as apposed to just doing it now?
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self.SuicideWatch
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If I wasn't sick right now I'd be killing it in life If I wasn't so sick physically and mentally I'd be working a great job and be taking the world by storm like I have in the past in my life. I can't even eat food anymore ....have been newly diagnosed with a chronic illness and its causing anxiety and depression and trying new SSRIs made my physical health from my illness get 10x worse so it's not an option right now. Vicious circle
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self.Anxiety
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"Things will get better" No they dont. Common thing everyone says to depressed people "Things will get better" or something along those lines. Things dont get better. Ive been feeling the same for close to 10 years and all i can say is that "things will get better" is a total lie people say to get you to leave them alone.
Dont get me wrong. Ive said the same thing to many people even tho i know its a huge lie. I find it easy to help others that are in my position by being philosophical and inspirational. But i can never seem to help myself.
I cant ask for help. Everyone ive ever asked for help has fucked off from my life. The people i didnt say anything to always say "If anythings bothering you, you can talk to me" but the minute i try. They bail and i never see them again. I cant open up to people unless ive built a huge trust in them and even then, its immensly difficult.
I dont even know why i want to die. Yea sure, im not rich. i dont have much in life, i dont have many friends but that doesnt really phase me. Im generally a fun guy but whenever im alone, i have this feeling that who i am is slowly burning away and leaving a huge hole in my soul. I fear that soon there wont be anything left of me. But....it doesnt scare me. I actually am quite indifferent. I feel like even tho the true me will die. A new me will emerge. What scares me is that if that does happen. Ill be even worse of a human than i already am. I try my best to help people. Wether i know them or not, wether i like them or not.
In life i seem very upbeat and fun. But the minute im alone. I want to die.
My mom is blind. My dad died when i was 5 and my sister has a suitcase full of mental disorders. Sometimes i feel that the world would be a better place if my entire bloodline died out. Im the only son with my last name. I feel like if i just dissappeared, the world will get better.
I dont know. When im with people. I really enjoy life. I like making people laugh. I even stream on twitch purely for the purpose of letting people have a good time and so me and my mates can have a laugh.
Yet still, when im alone, the only thing i think of is death.
I dont expect any replies but theyre all greatly appreciated.
I feel like ive gone on too long and probably surpassed the word limit. And i dont think my mind can handle saying more. So im just gonna post this and hope for some advice outside of "It will get better" because it doesnt...
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self.depression
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Can I do this? I've struggled with severe anxiety, depression and have bi polar 1. I also get sick *a lot* and have migraines and headaches often and always feel tired. I've struggled with working over the last 2 years because of this.
See the thing is, I feel so worthless. I'm 34 years old a mother of 4, married, and I have worked dead end job after dead end job, been without work for long periods of time and get overwhelmed and stressed easily. I never used to get so overwhelmed so easily.. I guess I and my husband's relationship is strained and I also have a super low self esteem because I feel like a failure and a dead beat.
I made a decision to go back to college and I start January 2nd but now I'm having second thoughts after my husband brought up my inability to work and how I'm always sick and get overwhelmed so easily. He thinks college would just add to the stress and I'd end up quitting and we would end up with a bunch of debt.
Honestly I'm scared of that also.. but I'm so tired of going nowhere in life. I'm tired of it all. I want to be able to work full time, I want to graduate college and *BE SOMEBODY*.
I decided on part time so the stress would be less. Thing is, I don't know that I can do this. I need to know that this is possible, or I need to know that I shouldn't. I don't know. I need advice!
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self.Anxiety
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I am devastated You are the woman of my dreams I follow every step you make you are the main character of my story and I cannot lose you. I'm begging you don't leave me. I'll give you all the space you need just fucking comeback to me! PLEASE I CANT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU I HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT YOU. I'll lose the only family Ive felt attached to. I'll the only fucking home I have. I'm so fucking afraid but I can't say anything to you because I have to be quiet and cry out of sight. I'm fucking miserable Irene. I miss you so fucking much
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self.offmychest
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when depression hits you like a pile of bricks [deleted]
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self.depression
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my own worst enemy i don't really know if this is the best place to post this, but i think i've gotten to the point where i need help and would really like to know what people think about this subject matter. a few years ago, i started to develop acne and now i compulsively pick at my face when i'm stressed and depressed. over the past few years my self-esteem totally plummeted and now i'm constantly negative. i'm on antidepressants, but it's just really hard.
i feel like no matter what i do the depression just follows me wherever i go and i feel like nobody cares about me and how i feel it's just all about looks. and even when people tell me i'm pretty it just feels so fake. i'm just tired of hearing, "you're not trying" or "do you need to be put in a psych ward" from my family members. i've tried to not pick, but it just feels like my acne won't ever go away so i'm just stuck. i go to therapy, but that's not really helping either. i always just get "well we can't change you, this is all you, it's all in your head"
like i just want someone to take me seriously and not make me feel even worse about myself than i already do. my family makes it seem like i mess with my face for attention or for pity when that's not the reason.
i'm not sure if this is important to mention, but my parents are divorced and we've been going to court for 7 years now (it's still ongoing) and my father constantly puts us through court trying to take away custody from my mom. originally i lived in a different state in the US, but the courts forced us to live in a different state where my father lives if my mom wanted to keep custody. it really wasn't supposed to end up like that, but court is corrupt. he has a high conflict personality and he may even have narcissistic personality disorder. all he does is lie and he always rings up the attorneys fees and doesnt pay child support on time. cps has been called before on him, but that didn't do anything and my GAL is useless and has violated a lot of things and it's really hard to get her removed. my father contributes to my low self-esteem and always points out my flaws on my face whenever i have to see him for visitation. we're trying to get all visitation removed, but it's really hard when nobody in the court system will actually take the time to investigate our case as a whole, and it's all just surface level, and court dates are always continued. i just really want this all to be over and i want to be able to live and have peace. i want to go back to the state where i lived before i was forced to live where i am. i feel like my life has just been taken away from me and i'm just really tired of him and i don't want to have a relationship with someone this toxic.
i want to be heard. sometimes i just feel like everything is my fault.
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self.depression
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I'd give anything to be a normal person with a normal life and normal problems. (Warning this can be triggering so please be careful when reading)
I need to get this off my chest. I cant take it anymore. The past is killing me. Im at rock bottom again. I hate myself. I regret everything. I was so stupid. I just wanted to experience love and be loved but I fucked up my life.
When I was 14 I met a 21 year old man online. I was going through a lot at that age and I needed somebody to be there for me so he took advantage of that. He acted like my friend and listened to my problems. I thought I was in love and I started obsessing over him. I did everything for him and I even dropped out of school for him. I used to be of those good quiet kid. I listened and respected my parents. I never did anything bad expect staying up late when I wasnt supposed to. I didnt even know what sex was at that age. I didnt know what porn was. I was just kid. I had friends that cared about me but I fucked up and pushed everyone away. I did it all for him because I thought he loved and cared about me. I didnt know sexual predators even existed. I want to die every time I think of the past. He forced me to send nudes. He told me if I didnt he'd leave me. I didnt know what nudes were. I didnt know that I was obsessing over a sexual predator. I hate myself. Im so disgusted with myself. Everythings so fucked up. I know people go through worse things than I have but I fall apart everyday remembering the past. Taking pictures make me uncomfortable now. Everything makes me uncomfortable. Im always anxious now.
Whats even more fucked up is that I met up with him twice in real life. The second time he got me drunk and touched me. Its horrible. I feel like killing myself every week now. I shouldnt have learned about sexual things at such a young age. It fucked with my head. I ruined my life and myself.
After that he stopped talking to me. I felt abandoned and heartbroken. I waited for him everyday. I dont know what my younger self was fucking thinking. I tried killing myself over a sexual predator. I self harmed and ended up in a hospital. I went on meds and started seeing a therapist. I lied and told everyone I was bullied at school. I never told anyone about him. Not even my therapist. I wish I did. I regret it so much. I couldve saved someone and put him in jail. What if he's still doing this to younger girls? What if its my fault their future ends up like mine? Im not mentally okay anymore. Between the age of 15 and 16 I sent nudes/videos to older men online. I even met another fucking pedo online when I was 15. Everytime im feeling remotely happy I remember all the digusting shit he said to me. When I was 15 I still didnt know what a pedo. I thought people like that couldnt exist. I knew something was really fucked up with him but I just thought he was joking. Everything he said would go over my head. I never paid attention when I should have. I only wanted to mess around because I was in a horrible state of mind. I dont even want to type what he said out. What makes me want to kill myself is that I still sent nudes/videos to him after he said those fucked up things. It makes me want to die that I was friends with a pedo. I was so blind. I only felt bad for him because he said he was r and abused when he was younger. You should never feel bad for a fucking pedo. I feel guilty. I should have blocked and reported him right away.
I forgot about everything during those years but this year I started remembering my past and how messed up it was. I guess I kept pushing and bluring those memories away. It took me awhile to realize I was taken advantage of at a young age. Im sad and hurt that it took me this long to realize horrible people exist in this world. I was sheltered for so long. I used to be in my room all day. Now im trying to make healthier choices but it will never change the past. The past will always break me apart. Im losing pieces of myself everyday. I blame myself. My ignorant self.
Thinking about all of this always makes me want to throw up. I hate my life. Im never going to be normal or live a normal life like everyone else. Im 18 now and I started getting my life together this year. Even met and went on a couple of dates with a wonderful guy. He made me feel so happy and warm. He even introduced me to his friends and they were normal happy 19 year olds living life. They told me about their high school memories and relationships. I kept thinking how sweet and wonderful he and his friends were. Then I looked at myself and I realized I fucked my life up. I want a normal teenage past to remember and cherish. I never got to go to high school and make memories or experienced things the normal way. I experienced everything the wrong and fucked up way. I was in long distance relationships with guys much older than me. I met people I should never have met. I feel contaminated.
I dont want to ever be associated with fucked up people.
Im jealous of everyone who gets to live a normal life and is mentally okay everyday. I dont deserve to be happy. I dont deserve to be with anyone. I used to be so kind and happy everyday. Now im anxious 24/7. Im always on edge. I need to see a therapist but im too scared to tell my parents. I dont want to stress them out even more. Im already a disappointment to them.
I want to be a normal girl. I love bunnies and music. I love going to concerts, drawing, and watching movies. I have dreams I want to make come true. I want to do so many things with my life but then I think of what if someone found out about past. Im contaminated. I feel horrible. Its tearing me apart.
The reason I needed to type this out was because a lot has been triggering these memories lately. Theres almost another sexual predator story on the news or twitter everyday. I wish I couldve been saved. I never should have been born. If youre a parent or planning to be one in the future please im begging you to be careful when your kids go online. Talk to them about Internet safety. The Internet is becoming apart of our daily lives now and horrible people take advantage of that. I hope no one has to ever go through this.
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self.offmychest
|
SOS I am in desperate need of some uplifting rn. I have to go work in customer service in 4 hours and i don’t wanna be in a terrible mood because that’s just completely wrong and unfair to those on the receiving line. I am really not feeling great today in terms of depression and anxiety and i just need some positive vibes. Please help if you can
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self.depression
|
Every day is the same routine I wake up, struggle to get out of bed, go to class, come home, listen to music, then go to bed.
It hurts that I have no one to look forward to seeing at school. I go there, hope that a friendship sparks between me and a classmate, which hasn't happened. The only people in my life I consider to be friends all live thousands of miles away, including my boyfriend. But even though I do have friendships so far away, I still can't help but feel empty inside. Sometimes I think "would this feeling still be here if I actually made some friends at school?" then I think, why do I bother try and make friends
Coming home is a similar feeling. My dad is emotionally abusive and calls me crazy if I cry. The only thing I have to look forward to when coming home is seeing my dogs.
I'm just so sick of having so much social anxiety. It hurts more knowing that it gets even harder as an adult and yet, I'm a fucking first year college student, it should be easy for me but it feels impossible.
Now I'm gonna spend the next of my night and weekend browsing reddit and youtube, going to bed, and doing the same tomorrow and sunday before school starts up on Monday. I don't know how long I can handle the endless, repetitive lifestyle.
|
self.depression
|
I am an incorrect girl. I am a fundamental failure at being female. A lifetime of observing other people has led me to the conclusion that the ideal woman is one who is bright, cheerful, and energetic. She is relentlessly positive and lifts up the people around her. She is confident and lights up a room when she walks in. Boys are attracted to her like moths to a flame. She inspires her male love interest to "be a better man."
I am so far from this that I feel broken. I violently squash any attraction I feel for other people because it inspires an ugly, fiery feeling of self-hatred. It's fine if other people love one another, I think, but when it's me, it's wrong. It's disgusting.
I am unlovable because I am a "wrong" woman. I am not bright, happy, cheerful or beautiful. I am ugly, repulsive, miserable, unsocial, unhappy and suicidal. I want to enjoy being a woman, but I can't because I know I'm a failure.
I feel sorry for any boy who smiles at me or shows the slightest hint of interest. I just think, "You are so wrong about me. I am a worthless piece of shit and deserve to die. You need to find someone who is a woman, not a Thing."
Every time I google feelings of failure at femininity, or the feeling of being a "wrong" woman, I never find anyone who feels the same way. Yes, women who stray from the perfect, "correct" model celebrate their beauty and differences, but they are still good women--<i>they are happy and beautiful through their confidence.</i>
I am a failure and I deserve to die.
I am a failure and I deserve to die.
I am a failure and I deserve to die.
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self.offmychest
|
The last time I was in this state I lost my home, my cat, and 2 friendships. To an apartment fire that was basically my fault. My friends at the time both lived, they just stopped being my friends. My kitty died though, fucked me up for months. Now I'm living 2 states away with a new cat and I swear to god I still reach out to pet the old one. The whole flight "home" for christmas I was thinking about how the last time I was here I ruined everything.
My dad picked me up at the airport and barely talked to me the whole hour and a half car ride back. Didn't even seem happy to see me. Then the next day my mom told me about something shitty my sister's boyfriend did to her and I got mad so my dad butted in with something he'd been "sitting on for a while." He has been in chronic pain for a few years and has been taking it out on everyone around him, and his new thing is telling me that when I'm upset it affects him deeply as a parent and that the emotional pain of having an upset child makes his physical pain so much worse so I need to stop feeling things. Suddenly it felt like I was 2 years old again and he was choking me to make me stop crying. Every therapist I've ever talked to says that's why I have such a hard time regulating my emotions but honestly everyone's sick of dealing with me, I'm sick of dealing with me, my very presence in my home state is already ruining christmas and it's not even the 24th yet. I wish my plane had gone down or some shit, or that I had died in that fire instead of my cat. I wish I was allowed to feel things without having to justify every facet of my emotions even though I don't understand them myself. I wish I had stayed at my apartment with my new kitty. I wish I didn't have anyone I love so that I could just get it over with. I bring literally nothing good to any environment I'm in. I can't regulate my emotions, my parents blame me for ruining holidays, I don't know how to make friends and I scare everyone I talk to. My own mother took me aside when I was 10 and asked me if I realized that my older sisters were scared of me. I was a scared little girl who only wanted to protect herself and apparently that ruined everything so thoroughly that now, 15 years later me coming home for christmas reminds my mom of how dysfunctional our family is and it "breaks her heart".
Why am I here? Why did they keep me when they could have aborted me or given me up for adoption or drowned me in a bathtub. If I were on the outside of this situation I would have compassion for another human being going through this but that's the thing, I'm not a person, I'm a... whatever the hell "me" is, some kind of pest.
I hurt my family just by being here, how does someone come back from that?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Messed up my New Years because I tried to please everyone I spent a lot of time pouring my heart into a semi new friend group that I knew decently well in high school.they’re very smart people book wise and I like talking-to them sometimes but it feels empty I miss my old friends I hold onto 3 out of 6 of my old friends.
Anyways I offered to my new friend group that I would host a New Years party at my house and they like were really into it but oddly controlling. I invited 2 of my older friends but unknown to me my new friend group had problems with them. One of my old friends was a old boyfriend of one of my new friends girlfriend and apparently caused a lot of “harassment” mean while this all happened 2 years ago.... I know the girlfriend isn’t mentally stable she’s off she almost killed my old friend twice but like I thought I’d be okay to invite my old friend but I just got shit on by basically all my “new friends “ I was basically forced to uninvited my old friends but instead I cancelled the party and am now having a “secret” party with my older friends. I feel like my new friends are a cult I feel like an outcast. I’m just crying in bed because I just can’t find new friends. I poured my heart into people i thought that were good people but apparently they’re so immature
|
self.depression
|
I wish my parents would kill me, it's the only way I could know peace [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I have no desire to study of do homework [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
What do I do if I don't want to do anything? I won't go into too much detail but I'm 17 right now, last year of school starts next year and I'm living in the shittiest situation. Last year I thought I was at the bottom of the pit, but something happened amd I found out the hole goes even deeper. I just want to die but I don't have it in me to kill myself so I just exist. There is nothing I'm interested in working with and the last thing I want to do is go to fucking college, but I don't want to be stuck with my parents and you can't get a good job without college, and you can't get any job if you're a weirdo like me who can't talk to people. My anxiety keeps getting worse, and the hole goes deeper, and the depression gets worse, it's an endless cycle and I can't see an inch ahead in my life. I just want to disappear. It's all so fucked.
|
self.depression
|
Having big dreams and goals while being incredibly suicidal is driving me nuts [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Coming off Seroquel My doctor is halving my dose of Seroquel from 100mg to 50mg due to adverse side effects, not because I don't need it anymore. What can I expect to happen? Should I take any precautions? I'm afraid I might start to go hypomanic, and end up doing something stupid. Will I even get hypomanic from lowering it by 50mg? Thanks.
|
self.bipolar
|
That horrible feeling when something from the future is brought up and you wonder if you’ll be alive to see it. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Manic straight to depressive symptoms Hi. I’ve been having my first diagnosed episode of mania. It hasn’t been too bad; my emotions have been happier, had more energy, have been super sexual/sleeping with people, staying awake for days at a time, etc. (schizoaffective bipolar II subtype)
They increased my medication to end the mania, and here I am a week later having suicidal thoughts and wanting to hide in bed all day again.
Is there ever a medium here? Can I live without either being wild or wanting to disappear? Still very new to this.
:(
|
self.bipolar
|
i started deleting all of my social media two weeks ago. What a tremendous weight off my shoulders it has been.
Firstly I decided to deactivate Facebook. I would spend hours each day refreshing my news feed, despite that I can name no more than ten people from my friends list who I even give a shit about. My news-feed is 99% toxic people who I went to school with, complaining and engaging in gossip. So Facebook went first.
It was a bit strange at first, worrying too. My brain had a reflex to check Facebook every time I was idle. But after a day it was like a constant buzzing in my head had been switched off. So Twitter quickly followed, then instagram, snapchat and all of my online dating apps. Gone.
Life is challenging enough without having to worry about a virtual profile of yourself floating around in virtual space. Subconsciously knowing that 24/7 there are multiple online 'versions of you' spread across different platforms for anyone to judge. It's just been such a revelation to switch that off. From now on it's simply up to me in person to represent myself.
My anxiety is somewhat better, not even that much, but it's relevant to me and I can start to address these issues in my own time and space. I also understand it's kind of ironic posting this to Reddit, which some might consider a social network. But it doesn't have that same distinction in my own mind.
I've seen alot of other folks on here and other subreddits talking about the positive effects of quitting social media, so thanks I guess.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I have stayed optimistic for long and I think I’ve reached my breaking point. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I have terrible anxiety when I eat. I don't know, I'm just wondering if anyone has gone or is going through this to help me or share anything with to let me know I'm not alone.
This all started about 4 years ago. I was about 6ft, 195 all muscle. Now I'm (still 6ft) about 160 - 165 on a good day, stopped going to the gym.
Every time I eat, no matter what it is, even bread and rice, I poop. On a normal day, I poop about 8 to 10 times. My stomach hurts pains in my gut, I vomit (the vomiting has since stopped in the last year tho). I stopped eating on days that I have to be up early that I don't have the time to go to the bathroom 3 times. Which means usually Monday to Thursday I don't eat because I start work at 8 and I drive a lot for work.
If I eat at home I'm okish with anxiety but the second I know we are eating out is when it kicks in. I've pooped my pants about 5 times as an adult, I've pulled over and pooped on the side of the road so I don't go in my pants again. I've pooped in a bag in my car on the side of the expressway and threw it out the window. It sucks. Naturally I can't do that when I'm with other people in the car
I've had every GI test done. I don't have gluten allergies, I'm not lactose, I can't not eat certain foods. It's all anxiety and stress when I eat. As I'm typing this I'm already anxious because we are going for brunch tomorrow which I won't eat so I don't poop or poop my pants on the way home. I didn't eat Thursday or Friday because of things I had to do Friday and Saturday morning. I'm not eating tonight or tomorrow for the same reasons. I dont sleep, I get seriously horrible headaches, not to mention I lost 30 pounds over the few years and I barely bad any weight to lose.
What do I do? I just want to take a magic pill and make it go away. I'm tried of it. I feel so bad for my girlfriend of 6 years who I never take out to dinner for that reason. Luckily she's a nurse and understands and doesn't mind eating at home. I'm just so fed up with it the anxiety and stress when I eat, being tired all the time and people telling me I'm losing weight. I'm tired of not eating Monday to Thursday. I've tried slow breathing after I ate out and that didn't work. I barely made it to the bathroom in a store. I even tried going before we left the restaurant and I couldn't go but literally the second I sat in the car my stomach started to bubble and I almost lost it.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wanna die. I feel like my life is too much of a burden. I can't do some of my classwork because of me being in physical, occupational, speech, or behavioral therapy. So, how do I kill myself without letting anyone know about it?
Remember, I want to either kill myself or severely injure myself without being hospitalized.
There are:
No guns in my household
No good knives to start cutting myself. (Is a machete good? Because I want to SUFFER OR DIE)
I'm thinking of buying sleeping pills for Suicide.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My home is burning My county, the place I have loved and lived in for 30 years is on fire. There is nothing I can do.
I'm 20 miles away from the Thomas Fire, and I'm reading the addresses.
At first it was "oh, I visited that place when I was in 3rd grade". Then "I picked up bricks there 4 years ago". Then "I bought that used scroll saw there". Then "that was the place that restored my father's painting". And then I knew all the addresses.
There is nothing to do. I'm waiting. I will wait until the fire is out. After that I hope I can do some good.
|
self.offmychest
|
Rage Quitting Good morning (sike). Sorry for the gloominess of this post but lately a dark cloud has been hanging around. I've been having pretty serious rage control issues and I do take rage control medicine but lately it just hasnt been working. I got so upset at work (over something so small) and I just started shaking and throwing shit and crying. I was definitely seeing red. So I said "fuck you" and walked right on out of there and went to my house where I destroyed everything in my room. Its like I have this super ability to only live in the moment like I can't really think about the future and consequences. Now I'm super fucked with no job and no money and ALLLLL the time in the world to sit and be in my head everyday. Things are starting to get really bad- mood swings everyday multiple times a day. I guess I wanna know if these fits of rage come to anybody else and how to deal with it.
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self.bipolar
|
Anybody else frequently feel resentful of people who don't have a chronic illness (mental or otherwise)? How do you overcome bitterness? Hey y'all, so I regularly struggle with resentment and bitterness towards the generally "healthy" populations. It's been a problem for awhile and I can't seem to push past it. I have 2 chronic illnesses (including bipolar) and I feel unwell in one way or another almost daily. The whole, "everyone has their own cross to bare" just doesn't cut it for me. Maybe because of my job in the mental health field where I only see people at their worst, but idk. I just can't get over the stigma and how horribly humans in general treat the mentally ill. It just makes me so disgusted and angry I can't get over it and it's turning me into an asshole, ironically.
So, to those that struggle similarly and have overcome that way of thinking, how?
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self.bipolar
|
How can I tell if what I'm experiencing is paranoia or not? My mood's up, so I'm pretty wary of any weird things happening which is why I'm bringing this up. Today I was going for a long walk to burn off some energy when I noticed everyone was giving me weird looks like I was some creep or something. I don't see any reason why people would care but I have this deep down feeling that they hated me/thought I was a creep. I just felt very targeted, and part of me thinks that it was just some paranoia surfacing. Was this just some fluke or does this sound a bit like paranoia to you?
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self.bipolar
|
Having thoughts of suicide, life just seems like to much effort. (21M) A bit about my current situation:
First thing, i'm not depressed, i'm not even unhappy, i in fact have a happy relationship, supportive family and a few good friends, im a bit cynical but i'm usually in rather good spirits. But i have had bad times when i was still a little kid (4-16) with an abusive stepparent (he's outta my life now, plus i don't think he is really relevant to my suicidal thoughts).I'am also a student in a university (zoology), i'am not doing well in it as i'm not overly smart and i have very little motivation even though i find the topic interesting. I am socially awkward but ive grown to accept it and don't really see the implications as negative. I also have motivation issues since i was 14ish years old. Ive never really been passionate about anything but video games, anime or just chilling with friends or my girlfriend.
Why i'm having thoughts on suicide:
I'm having thoughts on suicide as i just don't think the effort it takes to be happy in life is worth the actual happiness i will gain. Like i will struggle through a hard uni course which i wasn't fully prepared for (more then likely fail realistically) and then i may possibly get a low paying job (animal related jobs tend to be low paying) and have to worry about money for the rest of my life while i try to enjoy myself in the good moments and support my hobbies. I know this sounds really negative, and i guess it is, but i honestly think this is a realistic view on the future of my life and how i think the average Joe's life will be, yes there will be good times, there will be happy times.
Life just seems like a lot of stress and effort for some happiness, i know its normal for people to have to stress their way through their jobs and life etc but i just don't have the motivation to do all of that. I guess its just laziness at the core of it, but stress does not make me happy, like if i was rich and was set for life or even most of it then i wouldn't bother committing suicide as the amount of stress in my life would drastically go down, obviously deaths would occur etc etc but stress would still be minimal.
I doubt i will accomplish anything, or change anyone's life drastically. i know i make some people happy, and i will probably be missed for X amount of time, but i think i'm kind of just replaceable in most people lives.
I have thought of ways i could off myself, don't worry i'm not going to off myself in the near future and its not something i'm considering at the moment per say, it would be something i consider, like moving house is a long thought out decision and at the moment, i'm not ready to commit suicide. I also do not fear death, i fear pain that death may bring, but not death (also incredibly curious of what death brings)
Its something i always have as an option and always have since i was like 14 you could say, its never not their but sometimes its more obvious
I also think i would rather be homeless sometimes ( i know coming from someone whos never been homeless it sounds bad) but i just feel i would rather go hungry and cold then stick to a really stressful timeline and life.
To conclude:
I know this post must sound so selfish and petty compared to everyone elses problems and i'm not 100% sure that this isn't even the place for it. I'm just trying to understand why i feel this way as the thoughts are more prominent while going through this stress at uni.
I also don't particularly want to tell my family or friends as they are the type to stage and intervention or something.
Also sorry if this post is messy and hard to understand.
(edit- formatting)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Levels of depression, then you live in your personal one i think we all experiences levels of depression before finding your own footing in it. I think somehow we develop our own category in which we land and live in for the while until we get better.
|
self.depression
|
Violent thoughts? Please advise. Recently I have been having quite violent intrusive thoughts, thoughts of harming myself and others, stabbing, shooting, running over etc. Frankly they are scaring the shit out of me and obviously I don't want to act on them but a part of me is scared that I will and that I am going mad.
Has anyone else been through this? I am also terrified of telling my GP tomorrow I don't want them to think I am insane.
|
self.depression
|
OTC meds that alleviate anxiety? Right now I'm using Benadryl, which definitely helps! However, I'm wondering if there is anything else I could take that can calm me down without also making me really tired. No illegal stuff, please.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Contemplating another suicide attempt I've written on here about my previous attempt. Since then I had started to feel better. But now I'm sinking again and just want out. I'm considering attempting to hang myself again. As long as my belt doesn't slip I know I can do it. But what I really want is for some other act of nature to do it for me. I don't care I just want to stop breathing.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Depression is a motherfucker. UGGGHHHH I feel good today!! Then I got hit with this overwhelming feeling and thoughts telling me to kill myself. It’s so intense I feel the overwhelming urge to start the rehearsals, which only happens when I am extremely suicidal and depressed. This is so fucked. up. Fuck depression.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How do I stop self-sabotaging good relationships because I feel like I don't deserve happiness? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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