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I lost my best friends and had the worst time realizing things about myself. I give up. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Pdoc visit and insurance coding I asked a similar question awhile back, and the same curiosity is presenting itself again.
In November, according to my pdoc I was doing really well -- no med adjustments, nada. On the billing summary/printout it had the billed ICD-10 codes, and the one for my BP said "current episode hypomanic".
Now today I had an appointment, pdoc didn't adjust anything, said I was doing really well, and the visit would obviously be a short one. My billing summary/printout said "current episode, mixed, mild."
Is she or the office "upcoding"? Does something random like that need to be put vs. just putting "in remission"? Because I'm not meeting the mood criteria's she's billing.
She never says I'm in any mood episodes, always says I'm doing really well, never adjusts my meds, but always has something random for an ICD billing code. She had also left "current episode manic, severe" for an entire year after my one and only hospitalization/manic episode in 2016.
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self.bipolar
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Can someone be there for me, i'm shaking and crying. The loneliness is killing me, trying to figure out what happened Backstory: I'm not 100% sure what happened, my grandma passed away, we got a new house and we're moving in the next few months (after 20 years) and my relationship has been under strain which I became very aware of and am making steps to change. She's also at work 5 days a week now and I'm mostly home alone, trying to find new work myself.
For the last 2 weeks, which is crazy to type because it feels like a month or two at least, I've been mostly stuck in bed, unable to do the things I love, be positive about anything. I've just been stuck in this depressive loop where staying in bed feels the best, anxiety wakes me up from a sleep and I wake up feeling dread. I've been avoiding being social with friends, games, the inspiration to go out. I've also felt despair and hopeless over the future, which as I type this feels really silly. Things feel a lot better now but the idea of slipping back into it is terrifying me as I type this.
Can anyone explain what may have happened to me? I'm just so lonely and want to feel better :(
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self.depression
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Life is not for everyone I'm a 20 yr girl with Borderline Personality Disorder, and what scares me the most is time.I have thought about killing myself for so long, now I would feel afraid if I don't have that thought, it became my comfort, that it's my ultimate solution for my problems. But every day, I tried a little bit more, I still hope and pray to God, one day, something will change, I will be a better person than I am, things will be different. But I can't keep up with time, I forgot how to feel real, how to pay attention, I lost track of time, feels like i were asleep for the whole day, from moment to moment, I woke up and wonder where my time went, realize nothing were changed, I didn't make any improvement so I can go back to school, go back to be functioning normally during the day or in life. It kills me every day, but I can't do anything but staring helplessly, I just want to feel something, just one bit of happiness, I wish something powerful would come into my dream and tell me "everything will be ok, I got you!". I convinced myself I was stronger I than I thought, I don't need anyone to help me, I'm not lonely or stupid, just sick, but I think I'm "a bit" tired! This is not what life should be, it's not constant cutting or crying myself to sleep at night, not being afraid of time passing by so fast, not being covered by anger, sadness, emptiness, fear or hopelessness. But i too, want to live happily, why can't I do it?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I dont know if I can still put myself together Finally talking to a divorce attorney today. My mind knows this is what i need to do but shit i feel like I am making a big mistake. He is fine with it. He is apparently been preparing for this for awhile. We are just barely over 2 years married. I feel so shitty! Fuck why cant i just find someone to love me for me. I am not that bad. The look of calm in his eyes explaining to me that we should truly end our marriage was the icing on the cake. He not only agreed but he listed all the things why. Some of them is not even true or taken out of context or extremely exaggerated. The worst part is we have a darling little one year old girl who will be affected the most. Shit shit shit shit shit. I cant show her mommy is suffering though. I cant show anyone im struggling. Im to proud to admit i made a mistake. I rushed into marrying a man who is the polar opposite of me. And now i have to pay. I am so scared to start over. I am so scared for my daughter. Im fighting my self from begging him to work things out with me. Ive tried and tried but to no progress. Gosh, i feel such a loser a quitter.
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self.offmychest
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Life is good... except with romance I'm a senior in college with only couple months left to graduate, and I can't help but feel that I'll spend rest of my life alone.
Life is pretty good. I have a good family, don't have plenty of friends but made a lot of new ones since being a complete loner last year, consistently lift at the gym for physical health, and have hobbies to keep me interested when I'm bored. Not doing the best in school but I'm passing and my major seems like a good choice so not complaining.
One thing I'm lacking and I've always lacked is romance. Despite the massive amount of self improvement I've made within the last couple months, it always just come back to how sad I am as a person to never have loved/been loved romantically. I like myself. I'm not without flaws, but I consider myself to be a decent person with ambitious dreams and goals. But every single day, it's just waking up to realizing that I'm still single and I'll always be single. The holidays around this time don't really help since I see couples doing fun stuff.
"stop comparing yourself." "the right time will come" "focus on yourself and the right girl will find you" I've heard it all, and been doing it all. I am aware that I can be happy without a relationship, and half the time I am, because I've come to accept myself as a person and not put others needs above mine.
But man am I fucking sick of feeling so inadequate all the time. I'm not looking for validation from a girl as much as I'm looking for *knowing* that I'm capable of having romance. But the more and more I think about it, I feel like I was never meant for it. I was meant to be the laughing stock. The statistical outlier. The sad adult virgin who can never be confident enough to be considered a "man".
I am equally sick of hearing all the same responses that I stated above. I want it, I've wanted it. Why is it wrong to be sad because I don't have it and never have? at 21 years old?
I told myself last year if I graduated college a virgin, I would commit suicide. I still hold to it. I don't plan on living any longer after that, waking up every day with this, this fucking mental illness that puts me in a negative mood even when everything else is going my way. It only gets harder to date from here on out, and I don't plan on trying any harder than I already have. Most importantly, I'm tired of fighting this battle and I don't want to do this to myself anymore.
I can probably pinpoint why I've never had romance. I prefer staying in or playing a sport over drinking and getting "fucked up", and always been a sensitive introvert who's afraid of risks and takes things a bit too personally. I am literally the definition of a beta male. Why I was born this way is out of my control. But I can control whether or not I give up, and I plan on giving up next summer.
I have felt this way for many years now, every single fucking day. Because of this, I feel that I am rightfully not ready for romance, and not sure if I'll ever be. I want to die as painlessly as possible, but not sure if they let you just get lethal injections anywhere.
All I've ever wanted was to be just happy, but I have been denied of it for most of my life simply because I can't fucking accept my non-existent love life. I am sick of feeling like this every single day, and I'm going to commit suicide.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know what else to do I've been clean off painkillers for 6 months and heroin for 3 weeks.
I just got a job on Monday but ive already called in sick yesterday and today. I'm 27, divorced, have been abused and getting fat. my life is a disaster and it just keeps falling more and more apart. my family has just started trusting me again and i feel like im already letting them down.
I can't afford anything but people keep expecting me to pay for stuff. I'm just recovering from pneumonia and i still feel like shit.
I just can't do this anymore.
my doctors office eliminated the mental health department and all the hotlines just tell me the same shit ive already tried.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I'm sorry for rambling.
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self.SuicideWatch
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A letter to "me on marijuana"/depressed me. >Im high on marijuana (for the first time), which I really shouldnt be. Depressants are really bad for me apparently. Makes my mind go to dark places.
>I just feel very bad. Im certain I will kill myself sometime in the future. Already attempted, I really am such a bad human. People tell me I'm not. But atleast my mind is bad. I'm an error, truly. Born into a good home, could become pretty much anything, but Ill just kill myself. I'm amazed so many of you can keep on fighting, I really cant for much longer.
>I hate myself so much. Truly hate who I am. Does it matter at all if I keep fighting? I already feel sad for everyone I know, Im so so bad truly, sorry for the hurt Ill cause you in the future and for the pain I already caused you.
>Fuck you (me)
-Me, 4-5 months ago.
Now I don't really know why I'm posting this, but I feel it's important for me to remind myself how I am now compared to how I was then if I ever come back to that post (which I've done in despair earlier).
The point in which you make out about you being certain that you're going to kill yourself in the future is not true. You can't be certain of anything until after the fact. You struggle from time to time, and it gets really really rough. But you're still alive. We're all, most likely, going to die one day. You have a disease, just like someone who has a physical one. If you do finally succumb to it one day, it's fine. It isn't your fault. It may feel like it is, then, but you've truly fought as well as you could. And if you do commit suicide, I forgive you.
If you continue to fight there is always some light at the end, as I'm posting this you haven't been truly depressed for quite a few months now. Some odd day, here and there. But it's amazing to be alive, you won't regret being alive if you keep on fighting. The pain is worth it, if you get through. Don't be sad that you have to deal with this illness, be happy that you have the ability to enjoy the joys of life.
There are always new things to do, places to go, interesting things to learn about, tv-series, food, drugs (continue to use it sparsely ;*), friends, family, love. It's all there right in front of you, it's not going anywhere. All you have to do is reach out for it.
And if you can't, you're forgiven.
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self.bipolar
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I hate the holiday season For the past 5 years I've tried killing myself in the holiday season, but my brother or a visiting family member would walk in right as i kicked the chair from under me or as i half-slit my wrist.
I've been clinically depressed since I was 8 years old. Growing up a JW made my school life terrible. I was always bullied and singled out for humiliation. I hated everyone with a passion. It was so unfair that I didn't have any friends because I was "the weird religion kid". It hurt so much. All I can remember is some teachers pulling me out of the circle the kids formed to pick on me and took me to the empty classroom to calm me down from crying. That chilly winter night, I tried hanging myself. Unfortunately my parents were nosey, and the sight of their 8 year old son hanging from the ceiling scarred them for life. I was sent to the ER and institutionalized for 2 weeks.
Middle school came along, but the bullying continued. I had abandoned the cult, but I was still picked on. All my things would get stolen from my locker and my teachers didn't care enough to help when I needed it. I felt so alone. Everyday was the same. Go to school, do my classwork, get picked on, go home and cry when i got alone. I come from a very prideful family, and I would be belittled everytime I showed any emotion. It's expected of men in my family to be stoic. But because I wasn't, I would be pushed around by my father. My mother was the only person in my life who accepted that I cried when I was in so much pain. She would always go out of her way to defend me and help me when I needed help. She always held my hand when i wanted to end it. She made me feel safe and comfortable. But life just likes to take everything from me. On a chilly new years day, she died a horribly painful death, a brain hemmorage after being hospitalized for fatal stages of leukemia and breast cancer. I was left alone in this world
That night I tried jumping from the roof of the hospital. I only failed because security grabbed me before i could make the leap. Institutionalized for 3 weeks. Age 12.
In high school i finally made a couple of friends who defended me a little from the bullying. But around junior year they all said fuck this and left me behind. I was too depressing for them. They said I was holding them back and I needed to get a grip. I was devastated. It was back to the old routine. Go to school, get bullied for petty shit, and come home. But then I met this girl. We used to be friends when we were around 4 years old. She was amazing. She was so cute and happy and friendly, and we connected. After a few months of talking we began going out. We were so happy and in love with each other. She was my world. But life doesn't like to play fair. About halfway through my senior year, around christmas break, I found out she had been cheating on me with many different guys. I couldn't believe it. I gave everything i could to her. my faith and trust, i had put in her. She shattered my heart into a million pieces. Words cannot describe how much fucking pain I felt that night. My heart physically hurt and I couldn't breathe. I just wanted all my pain to stop. Please I just want it to fucking end!
That night I tried slitting my wrists in a warm bath. My brother walked in on my halfway down one of my arms. I was rushed to the er and got stitches. Institutionalized for a week. Age 17
I tried killing myself here and there but always failed because my family would walk in at just the right moment to pull me out. I just want it all to end
Fast forward to 3 months ago. My old friend's ex started talking to me. asking about my old friend of course. but something happened between us. a spark of some sort. we connected on a very deep emotional level. she was depressed too, but I understood her as well as she understood me. We fell in love in the span of a month. we talked everyday for hours on end. I would take her out for midnight drives and fall in love with her all over again. But life had other plans for me. She lives with her parents, and gets treated like a kid, albeit her being 20 years old. Her parents read some of our texts about what sex positions to try next time we had a chance to do the deed. Her parents were outraged. They are huge on marriage before sex, and she had kept our relationship secret from them. They made her break up with me, and cut me off completely. I'm blocked everywhere, and she's basically under house arrest. I told her to come live with me, but she adamantly refused. her parents had apparently told her that if she continues with me, she would be dead to them and would never be a part of her family again. She chose them over me. She promised me that she would never let me go, under any circumstances. She said I was her everything, and she would choose me over her cold family any day of the week. It hurts so much accepting she lied to me, and didn't take me as seriously as I had. like my ex, I had put my complete faith and trust in her, which was the hardest thing for me to do. I was so used to not trusting anyone to avoid being hurt. But I gave her my love, support, and trust, and she tossed it aside like I was just a piece of trash. It hurts so fucking much man. I just wanted to be happy, and she made me happy. Now I'm all alone, suffering this agonizing depression and strong will to end it all.
That brings us to present day. I'm 20 now. I have a job working in retail. But It's so meaningless and bland. I feel all the pain and suffering i did as a kid and teen to this day. all the sadness, hate, anger, and loneliness. It's still there. I'm in so much pain and agony, but i can't show it in fear of being disowned by my prideful family. Therapy and medication didn't help at all. In fact it only made me feel like shit, and the medications only flared up my suicidal tendencies. I just wanna end it all so badly. It's the only way I can stop feeling pain. It's getting close to Christmas, so I'm gonna make sure this time I get it right.
I love you Mom
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self.SuicideWatch
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Issues My anxiety is so frustrating. Theres a cute girl in my class, who is ill atm, and my anxiety is making me unable to wish her to get well soon, because im scared she will tell all her friends in my class. Then i will never forget it because they will keep calling me out in class.
Why cant i gain confidence, no matter how much planning or scheming i do, i will always back out when im about to do something.
I even know that its stupid and that im a pussy scaredy cat. I just cant do anything about it.
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self.depression
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Scared I might have rabies but mom thinks I'm acting Crazy/Over Reacting. IDK and im really just scared and stressing the fuck out. Help please. So I'll try to keep this short but no promises.
There is this cat. Let's call him Grey. He is about 1 or 2 (no more though). He is fixed and hangs around our house and porch. He is not really well socialized and he plays rough (ie biting/scratching). However yesterday he disappeared for most of the day (abnormal for him). Then he came back and had a limp. No obvious signs of a bite or scratch but it looks like something happened.
He was very vocal and seemingly in pain. So we gave him some food with a baby asprin and the next morning he was doing a lot better. He is fixed but not sure if he's had his rabies shot.
However I am concerned he may have rabies but I'm not positive. I have been scratched by him a few times before (prior to his disappeaerence and limp) and been fine for over a month. However he scratched me a week ago and really I'm not sure what to think.
My mom thinks I'm crazy/over reacting. I tend to agree a little but I just don't want to fucking die. What do you guys think? I've also read that getting rabies from a scratch alone is a lot less likely than a bite but I really feel like I'm sort of playing with fire here.
Also there was a racoon that tested positive for rabies on Oct. 7 sort of in my area. Not an outbreak or anything but again idk...
I am just really an anxious mess, scared, kind of mad at my mom for thinking I'm overreacting but then again I am sort of a hypochondriac sometimes. What should I do? Supposed to be at school right now but skipping my college class to study more and calm the fuck down.
HELP. No insurance either so that is great.
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self.Anxiety
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this might be my last year living I really don't know how to explain. I feel as if I literally have some spirit out there trying to get me to commit suicide. Every love interest that I've had has been ruined and I isolate myself just to be alone but something out there gets to me and messes me up in the head. I have bad dreams. Vivid visions of hell. Voices that tell me that I'm a peice of shit. I don't knwo why. The people that survive it or whatever or the feel good stories don't keep me going. At all. I mess up everything. I don't even have control anymore. I've seen visions of my mother, father and everyone dying. My aunt passed away and I couldn't even think right for the funeral. There's a satan out there. He wants me dead. I don't know why. I can not live. It planned on using all of my fuck ups against me and holding it over my head. I'm saying this here because I don't want to go to my facebook feed. I want to die. There's no reason to live. Everyone else is better than me. I did nothing wrong. There's an evil man in my room and he won't leave. No one will believe me. I finally realized it was all a waste. He plans my demise ahead of time. I don't want to do this anymore. I've talked to plenty psychologists, people, and done all I can. I mess everything up. Every year it's the same, beat the spirit, beat the spirit. Never wants to go away. I can't win. So, if I'm gone, I want someone to know. This is bullshit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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“It will get better, it can’t get worse.” That was what I told my self early 2016, I had almost finished my studies, and I moved back to my hellish hometown and opened the way for my younger brother to go to college. Financially hard times made it almost impossible for both of us to be away from home for the same time.
Back at my hometown, I realized the mess I left behind. I had no friends except 4 people. The feeling of guilt did strike me the first month. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here, I never wanted to be here ever again. My hometown Is a small town filled with people with closed minds. They work all day and drink all night. No evolvement, no dreams.
As if this wasn’t enough for my psyche, my father invested all the money in the world for one of his many bullshit ideas. He opened a business in this small town. I stated my opinion many times but nothing changes a toxic person filled with ego. After a year with struggles I managed to get away from that toxic environment.
My internship was the best thing that happened to me. It was a very dull internship if you ask me and most of my partners were average . I tried to convince myself that I should take a chance and live a normal life here, for as long as I am here. I started broadening my circles, started shopping new clothes, going out, flirting and I even got in a relationship. This new era lasted only three months. I came back to the depressed state. Looking back at some pictures I looked like a mess most of the time in my internship. Something was still missing. After the internship ended I was in a state of grieving. I graduated properly in November 2017. And then I was torn. I didn’t have the money to go abroad and escape this mess. My quarter life crisis was around the corner waiting to attack me with my other friends, anxiety and depression. With not a single beacon in the horizon I started working a part time job at my fathers. I know it was the easiest alternative. The environment there continued to intoxicate me day by day, but I didn’t care. Quarter life crisis was already here.
Friends had been a major chapter in my life since a young age. I always enjoyed hearing stories and adventures of other people. Problem is, with some exceptions, the life span of my friendships was always 2-3 years. After that we would lose connection. I always needed people that felt better than me in some ways. And the past 6 months every person I knew begun to fail me. They would all dwell into their personal dramas, gasping for some fresh air while drowning in a loop they chose to create. On New Year’s Eve I made a promise to myself. I would only look out for me this year. I would delete my past whatever it takes and forget about all the miserable things and people I had in my life to this point.
Because of legal issues I’m obligated to join the army for 9 months. This is a nightmare for me, but right now I might as well give it a shot. A different hell means different experiences and right now my mind Is starving for something different.
I still get lonely and miserably from time to time and it can last days. But I know that the best stuff is around the corner, I have to believe that. I will not spend any time trying to explain myself to people I know. This is why I’m posting this online. I feel so much liberated when I share pieces of myself with strangers.
See you again when I have a plan.
Bless you all
(even though I am an atheist) …
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self.depression
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Don't bother with the "it gets better" stuff. I choose death. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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My anxiety has been non stop and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve been having constant panic attacks recently and I don’t know why. I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m losing my mind. I don’t have insurance so I can’t go see a doctor. Is there any over the counter medication that would help me?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm planning on going to Europe for one last hurrah trip. I'm ready. I'm deciding my destiny.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Constant thoughts of suicide Some background. I'm 20, got a part time job, broken family, girlfriend of 1 month who I'm serious with but lives an hour and a half away and goes to uni.
I've suffered woth depression and all that shit for 6 years or so and I've exhausted every recourse and I'm lost. I don't kmow where to go, I have no friends, my family are either on the opposite side of the county or about to die. I just need a friend, someone to talk to, someone to help me.
I've tried the Samaritans a few times and they are as useful as a colinder condom. It's 3am and I've had a few panic attacks. I know so many ways I could easily end my own life and it scares me how easy it is. Please help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How did you beat your depression? I feel like giving up [deleted]
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self.depression
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job interview it’s taken me a while to find a job from lack of motivation and i’m depressed, anxious, and i feel sick. I’m going to this hiring event this morning and i’m well prepared but I feel like i’m not good enough to even get the job. I feel like I’m just going to get made fun of. i hope i get the job because none of my interviews have worked out.
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self.Anxiety
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not suicidal, not sure if okay to drunk So i went out to drink tonight so I'm not sure if you're allowed to talk to me. found out i failed a test. Last semester I failed a class for medical reasons (I actually put a gun to my head and a cop took me to the hospital. but I told the professor I had ulcers and got an incomplete instead of a fail)
Anyways. A few months ago my girlfriend of six years left me. After that is the whole suicidal thing I mentioned.
But I'm kind of feeling sad. I started a career in computer science I wanted a family with her and thought I could provide. Now that she's gone I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm a senior but I'm probably going to lose my job offer and get kicked out of school now. I don't want to kill myself (last time I said that I went to the hospital) but I relaly wish I wasn't here. I'm worried I might be in troule here.
Like why do I even care about passing my classes? She's not here and I don't care about my life. What's the point in trying to get a career for myself if I only wanted money to start a family, and now I know it won't happen?
Anyways. Not sure if this is the right place. I'm just feeling really down and I'm worried I'll alienate the few friends I still have or get sent to the hospital again
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like I’m constantly losing my mind I can’t think straight. I can’t talk to someone without the voice on the back of my head being the louder voice. I’m constantly zoned out and distracted and can’t focus at all. I thought a beer or two would calm my anxiety and depression, but it just makes me think more. I can’t relax.
I know I need meds. I definitely do. I’m just losing my shit and no one knows what runs through my mind on an hourly basis
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self.depression
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I Fucked My Life Up Being Dumb Listen y'all. I am a Federal Government employee who has been fighting to work on my marriage for over 3 years out of the past 15 years. I mean I have completely turned around my perception of marriage. My wife kept cheating with the same guy and still even as of last night has the nerve to tell me she still wants to talk to him over helping me out... after I caught them and her boyfriend tried to run over me.
I've been depressed and crying almost daily. Very few days do I feel ok. My wife works nights and often comes home late so I hacked her phone with a GPS tracker that shows me her location. I found her and him last night.
The way I fucked up though... I'm about to have a federal court case against me. I did something wrong to the dude who she's messing with and got to discuss with the best lawyer in my state today for 5 hours with no cost. This is one of those guys who takes on clients spending 500K for services and I secured him for just 3K for my situation and being broke.
It's minor on state level, but since this happened on federal property, I'm definitely losing my 115K job, a max on 6 mo. in federal prison, and a fine for about 50K more. All because one night I decided to mess with things on federal property.
Due to the actual circumstances, my lawyer said he could have gotten this dismissed if it were state level, but federal codes are so strong, I've fucked up any chance I have at life anymore. Because I made a mistake. So here I am, back to wanting to pull this trigger.
I have not yet received even a phone call from the investigator. My wife has and the investigator hasn't called back in 3 days. My new lawyer who I paid the initial fee to of 7K today says they will come back. Again... top criminal lawyer in the state.
I'm about to just end it. I swear I am.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My anxiety is starting to take a physical toll on me It all started over thanksgiving where I had a really bad panic attack and couldn't eat anything for about a week. Ever since then I've been slowly getting back into the swing of things. I went home for Christmas and being with my family definitely made me feel better but I left yesterday and I woke up sweating with a huge stomach ache. I ended up just throwing up bile but this was how I felt over thanksgiving. I've been to two doctors and the first told me it could be because of finals (I'm a college student) and the other told me that I have moderate anxiety and told me to take antidepressants (Escitalopram Oxalate) but I'm scared about the suicidal thoughts side effect. I'm going to make another appointment with my doctor to see what other options are available. But until can anyone help me at least get back to eating normally? Usually After the anxiety goes away I'm fine but I dont have anxiety attacks in the morning its mostly in the afternoon. I'm scared.
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self.Anxiety
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My child's principal informed me this evening that she has a suicide pact with her friends [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hospitalization and diagnosis I was hospitalized last night for a suicide attempt. I'm feeling quite a bit better now though. I was initially diagnosed as bipolar about a week ago but the type wasn't specified. I saw a psych while in the hospital and she said it was type 2 because I wasn't hospitalized during my manic episode. That seems a little strange to me because it otherwise seems to fit better with the characterizations of mania and not hypomania.
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self.bipolar
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Cymbalta Withdrawal symptoms I was on cymbalta for about a year, on 60mg for most of that time, and up to 120mg during the last few months. For a multitude of reasons I decided to go off of it, and tapered down to 60mg for ~1 month, then 30mg for ~1 month, then 20mg for 2 weeks and as of 4 days ago, zero.
While I'm thankfully not having some of the terrible mood side affects I had when I forgot a dose, I am having a lot of dizziness (seemingly triggered when I make a lot of eye movements, such as when trying to walk around a grocery store).
Has anyone else had similar experiences, and if so can you share how long it lasted and what, if anything, you did that helped? I'm trying to manage by taking it easy and doing reading and computer work that doesn't make me dizzy, but driving and running errands and going to grad school classes are less than easy :/
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self.Anxiety
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Getting out of bed I’m in a dark, deep pit in the ground. It’s deep enough so I can just barely here the outside world up above me, but not much. There’s a ladder too. Sometimes, I climb up the ladder to peek out of the pit and see what’s going on outside. But usually when I do, it starts pouring rain, or a storm starts heading for me. I feel it in my stomach. A lurching, swaying pendulum that swings back and forth. It swings, and I fall down the ladder. I remember that I haven’t earned the outside world. I remember that the people out there hate me and rightly should. I remember how selfish it was of me to climb the ladder in the first place as if the world out there wanted anything to do with me.
sometimes it swings a different way, and I feel angry. Angry at myself for not just leaving the pit altogether and facing the world bravely. Angry at the people who hurts me. The pendulum has so much momentum, it slams into my stomach, sending me tumbling off the ladder again, and I hit the freezing cold dirt at the bottom. But I should’ve known better, no one up there cares about me unless they’re somehow benefiting from my being around. When I run out of shoulders to be cried on, spare bedrooms for people to stay in, home-cooked food or money, I’m dispensable. No, less than dispensable- a nuisance. A fly in someone’s car, or gum on someone’s shoe. I want to scream but the outside world can’t hear me, just as I can barely hear them.
Sometimes, people come by the pit and drop in food as if I were a zoo animal. But I like the food. It helps, and when my stomach is full the pendulum has no room to swing. I feel brave again, climb the ladder up out of the pit, and sometimes I even camp outside the pit with a fire and tent, and sometimes people have fun being with me, I think.
The food comes in little orange bottles with strange names but it still helps. It makes it easier to breathe if I do fall into the pit again.
I hope one day, I can leave the pit and go back home.
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self.depression
|
I'm not getting anywhere in my career or my personal relationships. The urge to kill myself is so strong and it continues to grow by the day. Just existing and being conscious is pain. The future is bleak and dark. I just wish I could get the courage to kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
For her partner I broke my cucu's heart.
I forfeited the right to claim her
She's your's. she'll make you the luckiest guy ever
As for you i hope you still have stripetop
Give it to yo children after you
bye
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self.offmychest
|
Help me help my brother. Please. Hi guys, here’s the scoop. I’m diagnosed BP2 (unrelated I guess.), my brother is BP1. He is spiraling. He’s most definitely an alcoholic, I’m not sure what else he is doing though. He can’t hold down a job, his money is always gone and he lives at my mom’s. I’ve been begging him to see a doctor and get put on meds (he was prescribed ability but didn’t take it) but he won’t go and I’m scared. I just have really bad feelings and between worrying about how reckless he is and how depressed he can get I’m afraid I’ll have to attend my baby brothers funeral. So any advice would help me. My mom and I have been trying to concoct a plan to get him to the doctor but maybe someone here can help.
Fuck bipolar.
Tl;dr : my brother refuses to get help for his BP1 and I’m scared he’ll kill himself intentionally or unintentionally & I need advice.
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self.bipolar
|
What do I do? I know that many people will be crushed if I died now,but I don't think i can go on anymore. Maybe when i turn 19 I'll do it.
|
self.depression
|
Every time I try and do things to improve they just get shit upon. So this is my first post on this subreddit, so hi, or some shit, fuck if I know.
But basically. I've been depressed for a fucking long time now, probably since my mom died, i guess 9ish years? What it has come to seem like is that all of my attempts at progress or helping myself just end with me getting fucked in the ass. Take a new job? get abused by the alcoholic owner. Try and take more time to work out and do other things that i feel improve my life? work 17 hour shifts 4 days a week. Finally get another new job that im incredibly passionate about and desperately want to use as an opportunity to learn? get dumped by my girlfriend of two years. Tonight, about to go on a date with a girl for the first time since getting dumped (from tinder) only to find out that my tinder has been deleted and I have no way to contact her.
I'm just so fucking tired, this is just the shit thats happened in the past 8 months, I should love my new job, but every day i struggle to get out of bed. I'm seeing a therapist but every single iota of progress I make on a personal level is set back by things on every other level. Work is consuming my life, i cant go out and do anything, either because of circumstance, anxiety, or lack of money. Nothing happy has happened to me in a really long time, not even small stuff, I've worked every major holiday for 4 years, haven't gotten to celebrate my birthday, have taken one 5 day vacation in that same period of time, have been hospitalized twice for major injuries, and cant bother to care anymore.
I don't know if anybody has advice, but I can barely muster the effort to give a single fuck anymore. And this stupid irrelevant fucking tinder thing is just the straw breaking the camels back.
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self.depression
|
Through eavesdropping I listened as a woman in the hotel room next to mine cried herself to sleep. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I have a stable job, family and friends yet I don't want to live anymore [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you know it's legit? FYI: I'm not disputing the reality of "live on REDDIT suicides". Statistically, it must happen. I was just reading a guy who was giving play-by-play on suffocating (or maybe it's asphyxiate) himself, in his truck, using garden hose, tape, and his exhaust. I don't want to figure out if this can work or not - it probably can ... I'm wondering though if there aren't people who pretend to do this, who create a fake entry just to troll human pain.
I'm real ...
I'm middle-aged, burnt out, and very close to deciding to kill myself. I'm posting to REDDIT because I figure it is VERY unlikely that anyone will figure out who I am. I've been involved with the wrong people, I've had emotional blowouts, I've said things I regretted and now I'm responsible for my nephew smoking weed - which is bullshit, but it doesn't matter (that will be the narrative). Either I caused it or I condoned it - but in none of this do the parent's have any blame. Any who - if I kill myself? - there will be NO play-by-play. I will just be gone.
The thing keeping me from killing myself was this idea that I would "sadden" or "disappoint" family - but I remember how my family cherished the memory of my sister Nancy, when she died from cancer at 43 yo in 2012. Her memory was trampled on. Her kids even see their new mom as "the real" mom. She was mocked before she died and mocked after. Sure, sometimes they pretend to respect her memory ... mostly they mock. So no - disappointment and pain are not curses my cold-heart'd family would suffer from.
I have no kids, no job, no property. If I could live on a grow-op, work in the weed fields, live in a one room shack? - I'd do that job. But barring that or trying homelessness, there is little ahead for me. Yes - I have college degrees. Yes - I'm a computer programmer. No - if you think these things make my life meaningful and easy you haven't worked the same jobs as me.
I don't care if I ever write another line of code ...
I don't care what new technology comes out, next year, to justify lay-offs for high-margin cost health risks (meaning men/women > age of 45) ...
I see through all the bullshit and I've published my shit on AMAZON. Written my novel, so to speak, and several other stories ...
But I won't do a play-by-play suicide ...
If I go, and I will probably be gone before Thursday, I will simply be gone.
No one will be shocked ...
The tears will dry, in days ...
And I will likely be mocked, by my siblings, as Nancy was after she died.
Just some truth from the suicide zone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I had a dream that I was in hell, and I can't get it out of my head. I know it was just a dream, but it's just bothering me so much. It was awful. I can't stop thinking about it.
|
self.Anxiety
|
i think i have mild depression. not too severe but hope someone can help. don’t want to go for therapy because i don’t want anyone to find out and neither do i want to spend money. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I knew you metalheads were trouble when I walked in [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
one step forward... I spent last night on a suicide prevention hotline. I couldn't stop thinking about doing a 7-storey faceplant into the concrete outside my dorm. The feeling that i wasn't good enough wouldn't leave me, and it was all I could do just to lock myself in a bathroom so I didn't hurt myself or someone else.
We all know anxiety and depression levels often skyrocket in stressful situations. Well. I've been dreading today for months. Not for any good reason. I happen to deal very poorly with performance-based situations, and today I had to perform all of the music I've worked on for the past several months--only I've been so depressed that I haven't been working on music at all. Cue vicious cycle.
After an hour of therapy and 4(!) hours of rehearsal--which, let's be real, is an absolutely miraculous amount of time for me--I finally did what I've been freaking out about for months. And you know what? I fucking killed it.
There's a strong chance I'll wake up feeling like shit in the morning. That's what depression does to my head. I'm not so naive to think that this victory is going to catapult me into a stable, rational state of being. I've been fighting mental illness for over a decade. I know how this works. But I need to savor this moment while I'm in it.
My therapist told me today that life comes in waves--and for us in this community, those waves can be pretty damn big. But, just like a seagull floats up one side of a wave and down the other without flying away or trying to escape, I'm gonna ride these mountains of depression and anxiety as they roll toward me. One moment at a time.
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self.depression
|
Feeling like I want everything to end, not sure what to do. Can someone be here for me? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Hope some of you will respond, and get where I'm coming from??? The whole "advice" thing... :( Whenever I just want to talk, vent, just get crap out of me, I feel like everyone wants to give me advice. Just recently I had a friend of mine, text me, call me, tag me on FB, PM me, asking how I was doing. I didn't respond even after the first phone call or text, but when she kept being persistent, I responded, and what do I get? ADVICE!!! I didn't ask for it.
It's frustrating. Not only that, but she has her entire family to support her, and I don't have that same luxury. Why do people not get that we're all in a different place? Why do other people just assume that things are better, or the same, on our side?
It's actually tiring, and exhausting, mentally and emotionally. If I wanted advice, I'd call you, I'd go to my therapist/doctor. Just stop.
Long story short, trauma since I was 3 years old, use your imagination. Abandonment from my mom, a drug user, my first husband, 27 years old, 3 heart attacks, and I was pregnant with our son. I still love him to pieces, my X that is. However was told he only had 3 months to live when he was going through all of that. Panic attacks since I was 7 years old, loss of great relationships, jobs, house fire, lost everything I owned, and it was all after a marriage to my best friend of 25 years. I miss him so much. Our 3 year anniversary was just this past October. I'm in such a bad way.
I cry almost every single day.
I've tried to kill myself 3 times in the last couple of years, and failed, obviously. I've moved out of town, and I keep checking the train schedule because I'm seriously thinking of just waiting for the train to go by so I can lay on the tracks, and just die.
I've posted in this sub a few times, and no one has ever responded, and I am truly hoping someone does now. I'm sad as hell. I'm a female, 47 years old, and starting my life all over again seems bleak as hell.
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self.depression
|
Fear of fireworks - so embarrassing. i've been scared of fireworks since i was about 16 or 17 - don't remember any particular trigger, but i remember hiding in my wardrobe or under my bed, the same thing i do in thunderstorms. i know it's the loud, abrupt, gunshot-like noise that gets me so panicked. i can't get away from it and it's awful.
if i'm out in the city and fireworks go off i have to plug my ears and just pray i don't have a panic attack in the street. i know i look crazy, and i hate that i am a 22 year old woman who is scared of a little light show that children go to enjoy. it's so embarrassing, especially when i'm out with people from my classes younger than me and i look like a scared kid and ruin a good time we may be having.
but every single firework going off honestly gives me the worst sudden anxiety/instant fight or flight response i've ever felt - i mean literally feeling your heart skip a beat anxiety, and i don't even know where to start fixing it. now i usually just end up at home alone wearing headphones with loud music.
anyway, obviously this weekend is going to suck, big time. it's saturday evening already where i am and i have a final essay due on monday (3rd year university paper). all i can do is ensure i'm not going out after 5pm this weekend haha.
i'd really appreciate any advice yall can think of, i have plenty of earplugs, earphones and headphones.
not sure what advice i'm looking for, but any kind of support would be much appreciated. thanks :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I Need Something to do With my Life! I don't have many hobbies, interests or passions. As a result, it's hard for me to go outside since there's nothing exciting that I can think of to do. In addition, it's hard to connect with people or make friends because of my lack of hobbies, interests and passions. I spend all my time indoors trying to come up with exciting things to do, but that's not working. Kind of like a double edged sword. While I'm spending time being productive coming up with hobbies, all this time is going to waste since I could be doing something aside from searching up these hobbies. I'm just desperate for some hobbies that are exciting. The more time passes without me finding something to do, the more depressed I become. It's already affecting my academic performance at college. I'm looking for hobbies that I can pick up without too much of a hassle - I don't want to have to travel very far (since I don't have a car), and I don't want to fork over a lot of money that I don't have. For now, I would like to have a hobby related to health (which I've decided would be running for the time being and soon I'll begin strength training again). I would also like to have a skill of sorts. Something that I will feel proud of upon getting better at it, and a skill that I can showcase to other people (an example would be to play an instrument, but I'm looking for something that will get me outside, or at least something that's less expensive if it will be something I do inside only.) And the last kind of hobby I'm looking for is something that is just exhilarating - something that's just FUN and WILD, etc. I'm 19 and would like to make the most of my youth. Any insight and help - even reading this would be more than appreciated. Thanks to those who read this
Too Long Didn't Read: Recommend me a hobby(s) that is a skill that I could work on and recommend me a hobby(s) that's a thrill
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self.depression
|
I'm planning on skipping my oral presentation that's worth 20% of my grade. It's part of my capstone project. And I don't want to go.
I didn't do anything for this project but nobody believes me because my project partner was so agitated for 3 months that he deluded himself into thinking that I was actually helpful. In reality, he spent those three months pulling things apart and talking to himself and wiring things together while I just sat there and watched. Essentially, I was pretty much moral support to *his* project.
And now we have to talk about this damn project I did nothing for. How am I supposed to do that if I don't even know what happened? But if I skip the presentation, then the marks will be appropriate to what actually happened in those 3 months - I'll get a B~B+ if he gets an A+ and I'll get a D if he gets a B+.
Sure, it'll be kinda unpleasant to get a bad grade on purpose but it feels even worse to be dishonest about what we actually did.
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self.offmychest
|
I can't sum this up in a title Sorry for the long post. I tried to break it up a bit but it's a bit of a ramble.
I'm 20 and in my second year at university. I can't concentrate. I don't enjoy what I'm doing any more. I'm not talking about my hobbies, I still enjoy them, I'm talking about my degree, and the direction I wanted my life to go in. I chose to study physics and university but I'm not sure that's what I want to do any more. I don't learn anything in lectures, nothing to do with bad lecturers is just not a style of learning that works for me. Because of this I'm struggling a bit with coursework. most of the time I manage to do it but sometimes I have to get my friends to help. Luckily for me they're supportive and willing to help but I feel like an idiot and a disappointment when I struggle to grasp basic concepts. And it hurts a bit to see them apparently breeze through it when I feel like a failure. I don't find it interesting any more. I used to be fascinated with the way physics could explain everything, now it just feels like a load of shitty equations that I can't remember properly.
Because of this I procrastinate way too much. If I can ignore it I don't feel bad about it so that's what I started doing. I don't really know how to describe it, it's like I can't do anything. I'll try to read through notes to understand something and I just zone out. I end up reading sentences and not taking anything in. I start to feel bad about myself again so I stop, and I end up giving up and going back to reddit/YouTube/Facebook etc. I think I'm just lazy. My sleep pattern is fucked. I struggle to get to bed before 12:30, and regularly stay up till 1:30. So I wake up for 9:00 AM lectures and spend all day feeling tired, yet in the evening I feel wide awake again. Then on days when I don't have to get up I sleep in too late. The earliest I get up without an alarm is 11:00, it's often 12:00 before I wake up and end up going straight downstairs for lunch.
Whenever I think about my current situation I feel awful so I try not to. the less I focus the more I can convince myself everything's fine. I don't know if I'm even depressed. Sometimes I think I just want to be so that I have an excuse for not trying hard enough. Or that it's all my fault anyway. If I'm depressed why do I still feel happy a lot of the time? Why can I just forget about my problems when I'm busy with something I enjoy. If I'm not depressed then why do I feel so unmotivated all the time? Am I just lazy? I feel like I've become a worse person and I'm just trying to find excuses so I don't feel so guilty about it.
I know I need to do something about this. My grades are starting to be affected and I'm worried about my future. If I carry on like this it's going to get worse. Sometimes I don't care though. Like life is just going way too fast and I can't keep up. Even if I don't fail I'm scared of the future. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and the subject I thought I wanted to do is making me miserable. At the same time I don't want to quit.
I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone in person yet. I know I probably should but I'm not even brave enough to use my normal reddit account. I don't know what I'd say to anyone. I feel disappointed and ashamed of myself for not being as good as I could be, and I'm not ready for anyone to know that. I'm not the same person I was a year ago.
I'm sure there's more but I keep repeating myself and this is already too long.
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self.depression
|
Dating w/ anxiety Right now theres a girl in my life who i like interact with frequently and want to take it to the next level w/ like dating and doing stuff together like movies/cooking/photog etc. The problem is i dont know how to step to her and let her know how i feel, we both have very busy lifestyles between work and extracurricular activities so its hard to get time to do things with her outside of work and school. (We work and go to school together). What do i do? How do i tell her how i feel ?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Not ready for finals After 8 hours I have a final exam and I couldn’t finish studying. Guess why? Because I have wasted all of my time doing stupid stuff and I have already corrupted my mind and I really can’t get my mind out of those stuff…
I haven’t sleep yet and my head already hurts and I didn’t finish half of my studying.
I think I will just fail.
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self.depression
|
Do you hate living with other people? I hate it. I don't want my roommates around me. I don't want them seeing how messy my room is, how I yell at myself in the mirror, how I sometimes slap or punch myself when I hit a low.
It's fucked, because sometimes I feel depressed when I'm lonely, but when they're around and just trying to be nice and be my friends, I get annoyed by them, which I shouldn't, which makes me feel bad about myself leading to more self hatred.
|
self.depression
|
I’ve been trying to get over my feelings for my best friend for a year [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Don't want to stop drinking because I want to passively die. I've been struggling with alcoholism for about 5 years. I've been unemployed or only partially employed for about a quarter of the last 4 years. Lost my college gf of 5 years a year and a half ago. Some supportive friends and family but I cannot shake the feeling that everyone I positively interact with is taking pity on me because I'm sick. Very sick. I'd be sick without the alcohol but it sure doesn't help. And I don't want it to.
They say you need to want to stop drinking to succeed. I believe them. If alcohol is a pathway to death and I cannot stomach other forms of suicide then what motivation do I have to quit? My life will get better after the fact? I was massively depressed and suicidal from age 10 forward, a decade before alcohol became a life-altering problem. At this point I feel like escape is impossible unless I accept alcohol as my killer. It's doing me a favor albeit slowly.
Somehow, death by accepting the status quo is more appealing than taking myself out.
My life has been relatively privileged. No trauma or extreme hardships except those self-inflicted. I've spent my whole life trying to be better and nothing works. If I'm doomed to prolonged self-torture, why stop drinking only to prolong it?
Anyone else here passively suicidal? Anyone else recovered from a situation like this?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Starting college when mental illness is at its worst? I'm about to start a semester of community college, I'm just taking two classes and a possible CNA course next month which goes every day... Yet my anxiety and depression has been at its worst lately and I can barely interact with anyone. How can I get an ok start to school where the classes are small and everything still feels high school-y. I already know I'm not gonna talk to anyone :/
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else waiting for a miracle solution? Hey guys, I hope you're having a nice day.
This is my first time talking about depression to someone who's not my therapist and it's a bit frightening.
Here we go:
I was always the kind of kid that people would always say "this kid is smart", even though people were just judging me by my appearance and never by any merit in school. This thing kept happening throughout the years and I started to believe it. That is, until I hit my face straight into the college wall.
The reality was: I wasn't a stupid kid but I wasn't by any measures the smartest. This kind of "compliment" was really toxic to me because I believed it and when I was failing college, I was feeling like I was letting everyone who once said to me that I was going to be a successful adult. The major was Computer Science, which is a mix of something that I love (programming and solving practical problems) with something I grew to hate it (compiler design, graph theory, etc).
My love for programming kept me going for two years in one of the best universities around me. But living around a constant wave of crime, poor living conditions and grades going down each test, I started to despise living. At one point I was just a zombie trying to finish my tasks and get home so I could go to bed and have a relief from life.
One day, in a weekend, I was in my bed for the whole day, as usual for weekends, and I get a powerful feeling that I needed to go to the bathroom to pee. The thing was, I couldn't bring myself to get up, I couldn't move out of my bed without feeling some sort of physical pain. After struggling a lot I finally gave up and eventually felt asleep. I woke up to a huge pool of piss and I couldn't do anything else but to cry. I felt powerless, worthless, the opposite of everything everyone said about me. That's when I decided to drop out and go back home.
That brings me to the title of the post. I'm living at my mom's place with no hope to do something with my life. I always dreamed about getting a job overseas in Canada (or Sweden, or any place where I don't live in constant fear) and having a life away from the crime I have to deal with everyday here in Brazil.
The thing is: I didn't finish my degree and besides having some experience in development, I would never be qualified to get out of my situation. My family is very poor (my dad milk cows for a living, my mom teaches at a rural school) so I can't just buy a ticked to one of those places and start job searching.
Sometimes I dream that a random person would find me and give me a chance of building my life back together, the life I wasted. I know that I have to work hard for it, and I'm willing to do it, but I feel that all the odds are against me.
Does anyone else feel the same way?
|
self.depression
|
I havent been able to love the same since you We may have had a rocky relationship, but i still loved you with all my heart. I miss what we did and how we talked for hours into the night.
Ever since we separated, i dream about you on nights when im feeling depressed and alone. I have an entire playlist of music that reminds me of you, i cant help but think about you.
But now youre gone and moved on from me, but I havent.
No one since you has made me feel that way and I dont know how i will ever find someone like you
I screwed up bad with what we had, youll always be the one who got away for me.
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self.offmychest
|
I think i just ruined my life. All the progress i was making to be responsible is gone. I'm going to prison. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Too damn tired and just want to sleep all day. Human interaction is exhausting, talking is exhausting , so is eating and cleaning. I just want to stay in my bed all day and hide and sleep. I wish people would leave me alone.
|
self.depression
|
I just want the pain to stop No more school, no more work, no more swim, no more relationships. I just wanna sleep and never wake up
|
self.depression
|
Can't cope with hopelessness/suicidal thoughts I always notice myself being confused after such mind attacks and ask myself if I truly am suicidal, I generally take the minds words for true, like compulsions. I have never dealt with suicidal thoughts before and they hit me out of the blue like 3 months ago. I got them all of the sudden though I was a fairly happy guy, not really depressed. I was very terrfied by them, I didnt understand it but it felt like I was destined to suicide soon.
I just am confused what I can rely on when the mind says 'no'. These thoughts actually dont make sense at all but I cant stop analyzing what may have caused them to occur.
However, I never had specific plans and I know that I actually am not suicidal (or am I?), so for what reason does my mind spit those distressing thoughts at me? When someone is suicidal, is he/she also confused? I never said: Ok now it is time to die and I WANT to die.
It was always like I couldnt imagine living with those thoughts but when they werent there I was completely different, yet I have a stronger bound to the thoughts (because thoughts were normal to me), and I regularly have to check them...the worst thing is, I cant let go of them, I feel so uncertain when they're not there.
First I had this crippling fear of the thoughts, now this barrier somehow disappeared and I am lost. I want to Do things, but when I start thinking about what Id like to do, like going out or playing drums, my mind is like "no, whats the point? Suffer! Life is meaningless!".
I am so deeply saddened that I am so low, 4 months ago suicide was an absurd thing for me:(
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self.depression
|
Spiritually lost... I’m starting to think I’m actually evil. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I stayed in bed all day and I didn't feel bad about it. I enjoyed it. I just browsed reddit and watched some youtube videos. It has been a hectic week. With something happening all the time. So it was nice to just relax.
It is so nice to finally begin to feel better. 2018 is starting to look great. Stay positive my friends.
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self.depression
|
It will all be over in one hour when society [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I left a job, so I could get a better one, now I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. Update; issue resolved.
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self.bipolar
|
My SO is suicidal need help Throw away account
So quick context. My SO and I and living in different countries. This situation probably end in a couple of months.
They have told me in 2 other occasions that they have issues and we have talked about getting professional help. they have tried talking so a specilist and pills in the past.
The other day they told the only reason not to do it is me, as you imagine this is heavy on me. We have agreed that they is going to try again to seek professional help, still I want to help, what can I do?
Excuse me if this is hard to understand English is not my first language
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else regret telling peole about your depression? I normally don't tell people about it, throughout my entire life, two people know I'm depressed. These two people are both my friends and I decided to tell them since they noticed something was wrong and kept insisting for me to tell them what was happening. Even then, I didn't tell them barely anything, it just felt wrong. Now I regret telling both of them, they started talking to me a bit more and I can't help but feel that every interaction I have with them is because they pity me. It feels like I put a burden on them, and now they feel wrong to not worry about me when they actually don't want to. Anyone else feel like that?
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self.depression
|
Chest pain and pain when drinking after panic attack, is it normal? I just had a panic attack that lasted for around 45 minutes (which is long for me) as I couldn’t get a hold of someone to calm me down.
After, I tried to drink some water as I normally do and felt a burning sensation down my chest. Now my chest aches. Is this normal?
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self.Anxiety
|
What are good jobs for people who have severe anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else feel like they HAVE to move to a new place? I feel like my house is the root of my depression. I live with dirty people and am so stuck in my routine. It seems as easy as just changing my routine, but I come home everyday and find some excuse to stay in my routine of doing nothing. I'm moving at the end of the month and know things will be different, but can't seem to convince my dad of that. He thinks nothing will change and that a change in environment means nothing. I know I shouldn't let him get into my head, but it bothers me that he can't understand. He thinks I'm being overly dramatic for needing to move. Have you ever lived somewhere that could never be cleaned because the carpets were already destroyed or there was already mold in the shower? It feels like I haven't been truly clean in a year of living in this house and it makes me just not want to try. I also can't cook anything because the kitchen is so dirty that I'd have to clean everyone else's stuff just to make room in the sink to clean my stuff after. I'd also have to re-clean whatever I wanted to use before. Oh and wear shoes in the kitchen because the floor is so gross. I've been living off of to-go food. I feel like it has honestly completely thrown me out of my routine and into this new routine where it feels like I'm not even living. Housemates stay up all night, I just can't take it anymore and feel like it is the root of my depression. I think that's why it hurts to hear my dad call me dramatic for wanting to escape this place! I just want a place to call home. It feels like I don't have one since I literally hate being in this house.
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self.depression
|
I feel like I self-sabotage just so I have a reason to feel like a dumpster fire. Anybody relate? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
starting to lose my mind I've posted here a couple times over the last few days and just need to "talk" to someone.
To make a long story short (my other posts take care of that) I completely wasted my life and slowly over the last 15 years managed to become a hermit without a single friend or even human contact outside of a few days a month of work.
Over the holidays I spent 11 days not seeing another human face or even talking to someone on the phone. Lonely doesn't begin to express my emotions. Even worse..I worked Jan 5th and saw people for a number of hours through work (they aren't friends, just co workers) and since then I came home and haven't talked to anyone again.
The problem is..im finally starting to snap and I have absolutely no one to turn to. I tried doctors 6 years ago when I originally fully snapped and became suicidal. Nothing helped me back then except literally turning to heroin and other opiates. (i quit the hard stuff since then).
I know i've asked this same question repeatedly but I'm desperate. I need some advice on how to make some friends.
I know the easy response is just volunteer or do this or do that..but obviously I'm messed up in the head..and cant make the first step (or the second or third).
I know if I physically had someone in front of me..showing they cared and helped push me to do whatever I needed to do that would be all i need. I know I can't have that..how do I get around not having that?
Just a little bit ago..i realized I havent brought my mail in for a week. My mailman obviously hasn't been concerned. I realize if I end up putting a bullet in my head one of these days..I could literally not even be noticed for weeks or months. Do you realize how painful that is. To realize no one will fucking miss you?
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self.depression
|
Movies about mental illness/depression/suicide? Does anyone know movies dealing with those?
Movies should be ENG/GER/ESP
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self.depression
|
Micro-dosing LSD / Marijuana I was looking for opinions and results using either of these for effective treatment of manic or depressive episodes? It has finally come to me that there is a problem and looking for alternative for some help. Thanks for any replies. God Bless.
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self.bipolar
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aspergers Hi folks, just curious but my therapist just suggested exploring potential autistic spectrum disorder/aspergers as part of my diagnosis. Maybe I am no bipolar but instead seesawing between coping/not coping with daily life - anyone else have similar experience or diagnosis? It has left me feeling quite confused.
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self.bipolar
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Panic Attack Three Days Ago, Developed a continuous panic attack when sleeping. Need some insight. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Post Assault Feeling Incredibly Alone Three weeks ago while out with my roommates for a night downtown we were assaulted at random by two men from Turkey who were acting belligerent and were kicked out of a club. We just happened to walk by at the wrong moment. They broke my roommate’s nose, and momentarily realizing that it was wrong, we got some distance from them, until they pursued us, and when I tried to run one of the men socked me in the face multiple times on the ground, breaking my jaw in three places.
As of this moment, I have several plates in my mouth and I’m looking at braces immediately after the plates are removed several months from now. Even without rubber bands my diet is limited to liquids only. I can’t even brush my teeth without severe pain the day after. The days since my jaw surgery have been extremely difficult. A girl I thought cared for me abandoned me and blocked me across all networks of communication after I called her to tell her what happened. I had a rare reaction to a medicinal ointment for inner mouth discomfort and spent an extra two days in the hospital. The prescribed antibiotic gave me a full body rash not unlike chicken pox and kept me indoors without contact for a week.
If it weren’t for the support of my family, I think I would be something close to destroyed beyond repair. They took me back in at home temporarily to help with my recovery, and I am so grateful for that. Outside of that, most of the connections I have are well aware of what happened to me, and I would have called some of them close friends, but these people have left me alone to sit and wonder who I can really count on besides my family. I have a good friend who makes an effort to visit me every other day, and he is a great person for doing so.
I don’t really know how to cope with how alone I feel right now. I’m 26 and I know suicide isn’t the answer, especially to temporary things, but loneliness feels like a constant in my life, whether I’ve been a victim of aggravated assault or not. I don’t know if I’m asking for anything by posting this except maybe just solidarity, advice on how to handle/interpret the lack of contact from anyone, anything at all really. I just want something close to human contact.
Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
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Family at Disney World Checking in from the “Happiest Place on Earth”. Taking my gf of 1.5 years on a big family vacation for the first time. I am 29 and have two older sisters aged 33 and 37. The oldest has always been a drama queen and considers herself a princess.
She apparently has had some recent relationships problems with her bf (not on the trip) and has had migraines all her life. She uses these issues, along with a host of other things, to rationalize her sh*tty and childish behavior. She is constantly passive aggressive and is sure to make everyone else uncomfortable when she is unhappy.
Today, my girlfriend decided to wear a Dallas cowboys hat. My family is from Houston and the whole group hates the cowboys. She knew she would catch sh*t from everyone and was prepared for the verbal onslaught. However, my oldest sister has now flipped the hat off her head twice.
The first time was in a Crystal figurine store and the hat almost knocked over about $1000 worth of merchandise. We were upset about it, told her, and she decided to make a joke of it later by knocking the hat off again. When we told her to stop, she blamed my girlfriend for wearing an antagonizing hat.
To make matters worse, she is the type of person to dig in even when she’s wrong in an argument and make a scene so i want to wait until we get back to the hotel tonight to confront her. That would be great except my gf is pressuring me to confront her now and doesn’t want to be around her for the rest of the trip. The rest of my family is caught in the middle with my 5 yr old niece being the intended focal point of the trip.
I just have to survive for a couple more hours before we head back to the hotel but I️ am ready to rip someone’s head off. I hate how childish my sister is acting and how it’s affected the trip for everyone else. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
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self.offmychest
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What to do when therapy fails twice? I've tried psicotherapy and meds, and in the end I was even worse.
There's nothing left in life that I want to do. I don't want to change my life, just want to die.
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self.depression
|
Can someone do me a big favor? It would mean the world to me. I’ve been having a bad past few days.. anxiety. Stress.. bad stuff happening.. etc. It would help me so much if you can comment something nice and encouraging for me to see when I wake up. It helps me more than you think.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone here just give up? It feels like everything is just simulated. Like I never go out of my way to do things that will pay off in the long run because I have a simulated version of it. I don't go after sex because there is porn, I don't feel the need to connect with new people and old friends because I have netflix or hulu where I can watch others interact. Food cost a lot when going out so I'd rather just eat at home. It kind of feels like life is so cushiony that I don't need to make a real effort for anything. I guess it's one of the reasons why this generation seems so depressed. Also inb4 lewronggeneration.
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self.depression
|
I haven't done anything in a couple of days. Woke up before work 2 days ago, went to work, came home, laid in bed for like 17 hours. Got up, went to work, came home, spent most of the night just sitting in my chair. Went to sleep after having only been up for like 13 hours.
Woke up like 2 hours ago. I haven't done anything. I'm just sitting here. I don't even have anybody to talk to, not a single person. I want to say I don't have a single thing to do but that's not even true. I have hundreds of games to play, a dozen or so books I actually want to read, I have a half a dozen subjects I want to teach myself about - really interesting things, even a thing or two I'm actually **passionate** about.
And I just can't. I just can't do anything. I can't bring myself to do it. Any of it. Anything at all. I just sit here and it's fucking miserable and I hate it and I can't do anything about it. I know all the little steps I need to take, I know how and why - I fucking *understand* it all - but I just can't. It just doesn't happen.
Fuck, I hate this.
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self.depression
|
Is This a Manic Episode? So a year ago I had drug induced psychosis and suffered terrible paranoia among many other symptoms.
I worried about schizophrenia for a year and was told I do not have it but I still wonder if I have schizoaffective disorder which could be mild schizophrenia and bipolar. Looking back I can recall periods in my life where everything was just dark, I hated myself, felt evil, felt deserving of nothing and then after a week to maybe a month or two i would became optimistic and start planning things without following through. I would listen and watch videos to pump my state and reinforce this new idea that I'm a good person and my ego would then become inflated. I've experience this this year as well. Last month I felt like pure shit, really paranoid/anxious and felt like speaking to no one. This past week/2 weeks though have been the opposite. I still get paranoid and anxious but it's like I automatically shut it out completely whereas before it would consume me. This momentum kept building up and last night in work I felt it peaked. The job I do is in a shop working in security. Some people there are laid back and others full of stress and hard working. But almost all of us have low morale. Last night though i just couldn't focus. All I did was chat to people, I couldn't stop talking and making jokes and my perspective was "this is a laugh". I felt like I wasn't being mindful of the things I was saying I was just spewing out things fast that I felt were funny and occasionally listened and spoke more grounded when it was people I barely talk to. When I went home I felt a sense of worry come over me. Not being able to remember a lot of my shift and forgetting to do things and even dropped my debit card on the floor which was luckily found. Today is my day off and I have nothing to do. I feel this bad mood creeping over me once again, sometimes it happens and I just keep going only reinforcing the positive, but eventually it takes over and all I see is negative. That's when my anxiety becomes rampant and I can barely make good conversation or look people in the eye.
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self.bipolar
|
So I’m getting back on depakote. I liked it in the past because it minimized manic symptoms. This is my second day. It’s been a very long week. Very tired. Lots of school and work. I’m not sure if I’m particularly irritable, emotional, argumentative and tired if it’s because of the medication. Idk..
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self.bipolar
|
It doesn't hurt anymore. I used to feel this heart crushing burn every day. Every time I had a break down. I'm in one of my worse states right now but I don't feel it anymore. Maybe I've grown numb to it from all the experience. I don't know.
It was interesting because my therapist thought I was doing better when I told her the physical pain was gone. I don't agree with her because my minds still fucked if not worse
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self.depression
|
Just gonna vent here because I need to somewhere. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
The Try Guys make me smile I understand why people don't like Buzzfeed. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of Buzzfeed anymore myself. But the Try Guys from BuzzfeedVideo make me smile. I genuinely like their videos. You can really tell that they enjoy what they're doing, and have a real connection with each other. When I get sad or upset, their videos cheer me up.
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self.offmychest
|
It's hard for me to function I'm (19f) in college. I've missed a lot of classes because I'm so depressed it's hard for me to get up. I spend all my free time sleeping. I also recently got vertigo and my doctor said it was really bad and I haven't gotten to go to physical therapy yet. I haven't gone to a therapist yet for my depression/anxiety. It's hard for me to do anything. My house is trashed, my dishes need done, my bf is always angry with me. All I really do is make sure my cat is fed and has a clean litter box, she usually stays by my side while I'm in bed or crying. I just feel stuck and I'm worried I've fucked myself over with college. I forget most days to feed myself so I eat late at night. I don't have friends. I did just get a new job that I start tomorrow that I'm excited for.
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self.depression
|
I'm tired of thud The worst part of the holidays is feeling alone. My friends have all moved to different states and I'm so tired. Isn't having an SO supposed help make you feel less lonely? Although I get along so well with his family and mine, why do I feel so alone? I'm so tired.
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self.offmychest
|
My Life Sucks, and I Feel Ashamed About It [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Disgusted over People Someone PM please, I am just disgusted over the way some people treat me. I'm the worst person to ever attend my high school. I was nearly arrested twice, I was told I would be better off dead, and I was called a human trafficker for emailing people I wanted to help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Looking for some advice and coping mechanisms for preventing and dealing with panic attacks Hi r/Anxiety,
I was told this would be a good place to come after asking this question on a different subreddit. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated!
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar depression and anxiety and I've been experiencing periodic panic attacks for about 8 months. So far I've been lucky enough to be at home or someplace I could easily isolate myself when they've happened, but my biggest fear right now is that I'll have a panic attack and breakdown in public. What are some ways I can prevent this to help put myself at ease?
Thank you in advance for any help you can provide!
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self.Anxiety
|
Fuck people Just last night I had a blade to my wrist ready to end it all but I couldn't find the courage to, so I just made a bunch of small cuts to calm me down. I was hoping that something would happen soon to give me the courage. Well, guess what? Today at lunch my friends were fucking around and calling me emo and said," i bet you fucking cut yourself" and one of them grabbed my wrist and forcefully pulled my sleeve back and saw a few cuts (it wasn't the wrist that i do my cutting on, there were only a few on this one, but still visible) and everyone started laughing and making fun of me, treating me like a fucking object everyone grabbing for my wrist to see what a dumbass I am. Finally got the courage to cut deep enough. Hopefully I can bring myself to do it tonight, if not, than pretty soon I will.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My Dog As a young child, I was fascinated with coral reef fish. I just loved their colors, sizes, *not to mention* the beautiful aesthetics of the corals that they called their home. I wanted one myself. Further intensifying my wants, a neighbor which we were extremely close to owned an independent fish store of his own. I needed one. My birthday was coming up in only 2 weeks, and I was sure that my parents would get me one as a present. My childish excitement exploded; I was going to be taking care of something! I pondered to myself whether that would make me his father.
2 weeks later, and it was *finally* my birthday. I looked on their website and 400 dollars didn’t register. Promptly, I asked my parents to travel to our town's expensive salt water fish pet store. They weren’t happy, but hid their obvious concern to appease my feelings. It was *their 4-year old’s birthday after all*. I didn’t even truly grasp what money even was! They told me that they couldn't afford an expensive coral reef fish, but that we could run to our local general pet store to buy a pet for me.
Despite my original request being turned down, I accepted. We went into the car, and we were on our way in no time. The drive there was pretty non-memorable, with the only exception being me walking into the store. The smell and sounds of animals filled the air, with the sound of people not audibly far away. As soon as I walked in, I saw a Cocker Spaniel. Td he Spaniel hacolors of white and light brown, and adorable brown freckles on the left side of its face. And just as soon as entered, as soon as my heart melted. I didn’t want a fish anymore; I didn’t need a fish anymore. My parents were also drawn to the pet, and stated that they would be fine with a purchasing of a dog. I don’t blame them, who doesn’t like dogs? He rapidly licked my face with intense infatuation. It was a lock and an unanimous yes.
The puppy rested his pudgy face on me all the way home, and I likewise relished every moment of him with me. I was now a father and chaperone; the idea excited me. We decided to name it Jax. For the first couple of years, I spent time with my dog constantly. To me he was my son, and to him I was his father. We went on walks together with my father and my mother. He was a hyper dog, and often times tried to run away from me in a playful manner. As my life progressed, I paid less and less attention to him. I still loved him immensely, but I was growing older. What a mistake. What a grave mistake. That isn't to say that I ignored him, but the time spent with him varied depending on the individual month, oftentimes it was only an hour every 2 weeks.
Fast forward to 12 years later: In the first week of August 2017 we noticed a hoarse cough oftentimes emanating from the dog, and his energy declined significantly. He started to defecate disgusting amounts of diarrhea on the floor, and it became apparent something was horribly wrong. We went to the vet, and the prognosis the doctor gave was grave. He was dying of kidney failure. He had days to live, and any remaining time left would have him be in immense pain as every organ is poisoned. My parents decided to voluntarily euthanize him, and the decision left me in immense grievance. What should I do? Would you ever let your child die? It felt like he had already died. The next day at school was emotionally agonizing, and I looked ridiculous to an uninitiated observer. I was visibly weeping in class as an 18-year old senior in High School. People in class knew that some event had caused my emotions to deteriorate rapidly, but I did not nor want to reveal the reasons why. I scurried to the clinic in the High School, and begun to weep for the rest of the school day alone to myself. I knew that today would his last day on the planet Earth, and it would be my last chance to see a glance of him alive.
It felt like a part of him was gone as we sat outside together. There were so many flies covering his body, as he smelt of death. He wailed in pain. He wailed in so much pain. His symptoms signaled his end would be painful and in the near-future. My father is not an emotional person in the slightest, and begun to cry and hug me. My heart was broken. I wanted it all to go away. Why would God allow it to be this way? Why would he do this to me? My grandfather told me that God allows everything to occur for a purpose with a caring smile and gave me a hug. I wondered what that purpose was. So many questions, and I got no answers. I didn't even want to look at him at this point. I begun to cry in the bathroom.
We brought him into the car again. It was a morbid reverse of the situation that he was brought into our life. Despite the decade that passed it looked visually similar, but with our moods reverse. Happiness turned into despair and love of life morphed into anger. I asked again to God, why did this occur? The next 20 minutes were awful, but it wasn't the worst yet to come. We checked into the vet, and we saw the place where he would be put in peace. I kept referring it in medical terms... saying you put down your dog is awful. I held the old pup one last time in my lap, just like in the pet store before. He didn't know what would happen next, but he seemed somewhat relieved and his pain seemed to rescind when he was being petted. The door in the room opened. The vet was in, and was holding the needle that would soon kill my dog. The vet attached a needle port where it would be injected, and I was on the verge of tears again. I held Jax for the last time. I told him that he was loved and begun to pet him. He stuck his tongue out and seemed to be at peace. The doctor stuck in the needle, and it would only be the question of time now. At this point I couldn't handle it. He was put asleep, but I couldn't watch the killing injection. I ran out of the room and into the local bathroom. I saw tears running down my cheeks. He was dead.
As a youth, I didn’t realize how short our monuments in life are. I wasn’t perfect, I made mistakes. I forgot to give you more attention. I missed opportunities to keep you company, left you bored and feeling alone. I talked and socialized with friends and played computer games; even as time was still ticking as always. Am I father that neglects their child? Who allows their child to die?
I hope the saying that God allows dogs in heaven is true; it's been 3 months and I still have a need to see you.
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self.offmychest
|
Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling that I don't have a word for. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
It looks like I'm going to try to wish myself out of my catatonic depression by making posts on the internet. WISH ME LUCK!!! The less manic side of me is going to hate me when I finally come down tomorrow morning (hopefully. )
But if I don't, I'm going to try and push myself to post some of my artwork on here and on heavyminds maybe. I'm just trying to better myself so if anyone wants to talk or something, I'm here. Hopefully I'll finally find my voice on the internet. Who knows? :|
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self.bipolar
|
You have to be your own advocate (anxiety & depression) LONG [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Who needs enemies when you have friends like that??? I was friended by a man who has a story of his accident. Hit by a Mac truck after the bus kicked him off. We talked for 5 months, he says he loved me first then I love him then tell him. We are very in love, poetry, talk all day all night, inseparable, he even sheds a tear. Sending me, king and queen everything. We’ve never met in person to this day, but he changes his relationship status and even brags about me on his webpages. Giving me his last name. Then he finally tells me me he’s a rapper, whose becoming successful quickly yet still struggles so I help him financially . Before his confession, 6/6 cheaters as boyfriends with latest one still fresh, my wedding night. Grooms in wrong bed. Asking my friend, her opinion on him through text. He and I are 37 and 38, she’s 24, into crystal meth. The plan was id go to him and even arranged work there(tattoo artist). They ran away together. I didn’t see that one coming. I want to ruin her reputation. Back home, her baby daddy’s missing but she was with him the next province over but she’s safe?? Their together, kids are gone, she leaves two provinces away without batting an eye. My supposed trusted confidant. I find out from the baby daddy’s sister that she’s done this three other times. This is a straight gold digger.
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self.offmychest
|
lofi does anyone else here listen to lofi? i like shiloh and joji.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else feel like just running away? I have moderate anxiety for a few years now, but last night my anxiety became (seemingly randomly) very intense and I had my first panic attack. All I can think about now taking out a loan and trying to live on the streets for as far as I can. Has anyone else had this feeling?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Missing an ex, it’s been a year and it was a toxic relationship. Then why do I miss her? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Anyone else have hallucinations, suicidal thoughts and other bad side effects on Wellbutrin? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Fantasies of hurting myself coming back but can't communicate it. I've been, as a whole, getting better but I tend to have stretches of a week or 3 where I feel like shit, get real lazy and lose interest in everything. This most recent one is different because I've been getting urges to break things again or to walk into traffic when I see it, or the most concerning one was to stab myself with a kitchen knife. I used to cut myself but it makes me feel really guilty right afterwards so i don't anymore.
I recently started getting CBT from my university and the new counsellor I'm seeing for it knows about my past but they don't know me. It was in the middle of the last decent week I had that my first meeting with her was and I feel like I undersold how bad it can still be. I don't really want to tell her about these urges because I think she'll think I'm over playing it. But then we've already established from other sessions that over-analysing what other people think about me is a thing I do but I can't tell when I'm doing it and I can't help doing it. Anyway i feel like I'd just be whining because objectively my life is not as bad as a lot of other people's, I'm just a lazy asshole.
And I'm quite stony face, I get awkward describing how I feel but I'm pretty sure I've never looks particularly upset, I can't even cry most of the time when I'm down. The only means of expressing how I feel is with words and i consistently can't do that very well because I barely ever understand it myself. I considered calling a suicide hotline but I don't know if these urges are worth the time, whether they'll think "wow this guy is just frustrated or sad, get me on with somebody who needs it". I don't think I would act of them, I'm too much of a pussy, but I always think at the time, "I wish I just would".
|
self.depression
|
Going to the doctor Hi, I'm not sure whether I should post here looking for advice or not, if not, please delete!
I have been struggling for a while now with my mental health, I think. A lot of the time though I just think that I am the same as everyone else - everyone is anxious, everyone has a lot on at work, everyone gets stressed - why am I any different? What right do I have to be more anxious than others? But I have been advised by a couple of members of my family to go and seek help from my doctor.
I guess I am just worried about going in case they think there is nothing wrong, that I'm just some silly person who worries a lot but has diagnosed themselves as 'anxious' etc. I've been to the GP before a few years ago and got sent for CBT but at all those sessions I felt I couldn't be truly honest or up front about how I was feeling, I was too embarrassed. So I'm wondering if anyone can advise me on how to speak confidently about how I am feeling and how my feelings make me act, or if there are any things in particular I should say or ask when I see my doctor.
Thank you.
|
self.Anxiety
|
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