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Happy without "lows," yet I still can't find a reason to live? Me hitting "lows," is basically me going months depressed, drugs and binge drinking, doing wreckless self destructive things. I did this to cope. I've always done this but after my first deployment it got significantly worse. It would go for longer periods of time.
But for once in a long time I haven't hit a "low," in a long time. Months. I've had a few friends that died, I lost my job, lost a large amount of money, and so much more. But I've been happy? I've progressed. Got another job that is tremendously better and I'm happy at. I've been happier than ever before. Haven't drank in a long time.
But tonight I drank. Actually I've wanted too all week but a girl I have been "seeing," (fucking) bothered me daily and I told her that I need time alone. Tonight is that time. I know I'm drunk but I can't help but think of those times (just a few months ago too) I'd stare at the barrel of my shotgun when it's pointed at my skull. Pills, my car, guns, whatever man you name it I thought of. Tonight I'm thinking of it.
But earlier this week my best friend, I mean close friend since we were 13 (now 22) lost a friend to suicide. A close friend of mine was murdered earlier last month and I lost a few more that were killed (all actually due to alcohol related incidences besides the one that died last week). I felt like shit. My best friend beats himself up because he didn't talk to his buddy and he blames himself for committing suicide.
Thing is even though I'm happy I know one day I'll crack. I feel like I'll crack harder than ever before. If I hit lows after barely peaking and I barely made it then what's going to happen when I hit a low after being.. idk normal? I know it's going to happen. I don't want to get married, start a family, or any other bullshit (imo no offense) others want. Live for me? I'm happy and I still don't find a reason. I know I'm strong but again what would be the reason? Nothing matters man. Idk. I just wanted to rant..
I also have sleeping issues. I get nervous before I fall asleep which wakes me up. I sometimes hallucinate when I wake up. Shit like that. So this rant is my way of postponing this issue tonight..
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know who I am anymore I don't really know how to start this post but here it goes,
I don't know who I am.
For about a year or two now I feel like I have been in limbo, no feelings, no fucks to give, no character.
I used to be creative, caring, compassionate, helpful and a good friend. I don't know what happened.
Basically my friends are starting to distance themselves from me because they started to realize I don't have feelings, they are very open and honest people and often share their feelings with me, but I never know how to respond or how to reciprocate, all I know how to do is laugh, and even that doesn't feel genuine.
It's not that I am depressed or "emo" because I don't feel anything, I just don't remember what feelings are anymore.
I often make jokes and remarks that hurt my friends, I am an insensitive person because I don't know how to shut my mouth sometimes.
And that's my problem, I want to have friends, they are fun to have, I have just forgotten how to deal with their emotions and how to have my own.
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self.offmychest
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Staying off Social Media on NYE I have shut down my Snapchat and instagram accounts so I don't see shit that will bring me down even more. Being lonely sucks but this has seemed to slightly help. Anyone else have trouble comparing themselves on social media? Stay well people.
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self.depression
|
Everyone hates me I'm breaking down, I swear that I'm going crazy. At school the kids just make fun of me and gossip about me. I hate being at home too because my parents just argue and my brother gets himself into trouble.
I just feel like everybody wants me dead. I'm so sad every day. I feel like I have no friends.
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self.depression
|
Support If no one reaches out today from my friends or family I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna give up all together. I know it's wrong and not worth it and that people care and that should stop me but it won't. I'm just ready to give this all up. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore and I don't want to suffer anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nightmares.... Having the same nightmare. Family losing housing and past abusive roommate is involved. Why.
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self.bipolar
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Talking with a blank mind is impossible. Every time I try it, I end up acknowledging how stupid I sound and immediately shy away. Thinking of anything say is just such a strenuous workout and never ends well. I can usually feel how awkward I sound and always cut conversations quickly. I desperately want to have friends. I desperately want to socialize. Especially knowing that I'm in a college that is so involved with pop-culture.
And I don't mind starting a convo with someone. But I have a hard time of coming up with topics, or keeping a conversation going, even if it is something I like. I've had people come up to me and say "Ah man, I just couldn't stop playing Street Fighter 3rd Strike last night" And I would say "Yeah I love that game" And my brain just stops there. There's no other comment to add. There's nothing. It feels like the biggest fog. And sometimes my vision just goes out of focus. I also have a hard time remembering things, knowing where I am, concentrating and I lack assertiveness. I have many other medical symptoms like a slightly high thyroid, and extremely low sex drive. I don't know exactly where to throw my darts at, but I'm sick and tired of having so many crying spells in the college's bathroom, at my house, and in my car and being so goddamned lonely.
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self.depression
|
Vyvanse for depressive and ADHD symptoms Perhaps this is the wrong sub for this. If so, I'll just delete this.
Anyway, I've been thinking about asking my pdoc for a low dose of vyvanse to help with my ADHD symptoms and my depression. I say the latter because I was told by this pdoc that vyvanse can actually help a bit in that department. It also helps with my restlessness, I think.
The small problem I have is that I was taken off adderall due to abuse and that it caused mania. I'm worried that since that has happened, my pdoc will be reluctant to prescribe any kind of stimulant. It's just that I've been crawling out of my skin since not having them in my system anymore.
Has anyone else ever experienced a mood boost from stimulant meds at all?
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self.bipolar
|
When I like someone I act weird sometimes... Here's to say sorry for how I behaved. I am actually a thoughtful, intelligent, chill, independent woman deep down. But when I met you I got so nervous and something just switched in my brain. I was just so impressed by you and the irony was I was trying to not embarrass myself and impress you but I did the complete opposite... made the mistake of showing my interest too soon and it must have freaked you out. You see, I just was so happy to have met someone like you. And am not sure I will meet someone like you any time soon. I really need to work on my poker face though and installing those mental breaks so I don't end up looking too enthralled too soon.
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self.offmychest
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Trigger Warning: "False memories" of Sexual Assault I've had OCD for as long as I can remember and false memories, which I know are part of the disorder, have been prominent in my worries for many years. Basically, I become very scared of something happening, and then I have intrusive thoughts about it happening, and then I start to question if the intrusive thoughts are actually memories or not. Did it actually happen, and I'm just not remembering it clearly? So I obsessively try to remember if it happened or not, look for evidence, ask people etc. The uncertainty over whether this terrible event happened or not gives me so much anxiety and panic attacks that last for hours.
Recently, I became extremely paranoid about sexual assault. I know that everyone is afraid of it to a degree, but I began to obsess about it, fearing that it would happen to me. I think this is because my best friend was raped last summer, and I felt so bad for her, and so much anger towards the guy who raped her. Then, two sexual assaults happened, one on my university campus and one on a street very close to where I live. There has also been so much talk of rape and assault in the news, with all of the allegations against celebrities. I started to obsessively check that my door was locked. I would search around my apartment multiple times a day just in case someone had broken in and was hiding. I started pushing things against my bedroom door (which doesn't have a lock) before going to sleep. Also, my roommate gave a spare key to one of the maintenance guys for our apartment, which made me extremely paranoid and uncomfortable, because I thought he might use it to come in uninvited.
One particularly paranoid day, I had an intrusive thought about a guy coming into my apartment and assaulting me. I think I brushed it off at the time, since it was obviously just a thought. Afterwards I did my usual checking of the door lock and apartment (which I had also done before), and took a nap. I'm pretty sure I remember thinking before my nap "I hope that intrusive thought doesn't get worse." After waking up from the nap, I felt an increased sense of anxiety, due to that intrusive thought I'd had earlier. I started obsessing a bit, and the thought felt more vivid than before. I was still able to brush it off though since it was the same day, and I continued on with my day, going grocery shopping, studying for exams etc. In the following days, the thought kept coming back into my mind, causing more anxiety. I started to wonder (as usual) was it really just a thought, or did it actually happen? Within a few days of having the thought, I was an absolute mess. And I still am right now. Did the thought feel real? Is there any evidence for it being real? Did I have the thought before or after taking a nap? Was the door really locked? What if that guy used the key to get in? Did it feel real? Did I repress it? How will I ever know if it happened or not? My anxiety has been intense ever since this happened. I can't stop obsessing over it. I feel like I'll never stop obsessing unless I "know" the truth (even though logically I know that it likely did not happen). Can anyone relate to this, or false memories in general? It's just been making me so miserable.
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self.Anxiety
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Flipping over the pillow because it's cold and wet from your tears, only to make that new side worse [deleted]
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self.depression
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i'm sorry dad you were my hero and my inspiration, you did so much for this family and your life has been a full one.
i'm sorry you brought me to this country and gave me the opportunity to do anything that i wanted yet i couldn't muster up the motivation for anything and now i almost feel like it's too late. the worst part is that i'm perfectly fine with this, i'm truly unworthy to have been birthed by such amazing people.
i know i can't tell you since my job is a small one but at work everday i work extremely hard to get my patients the care they need. though the reason is extremely superficial, i honestly don't feel anything for them. i just want my work to matter, i want to feel as if i have some type of power in this world.
i hope some day i can stop hiding from you and we can have a talk about our feelings.
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self.offmychest
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I don’t get why people think being happy means things are better Just because we had a laugh or two, doesn’t suddenly mean I’ve forgotten all my problems and that there aren’t things in my life that need to change. I wish people wouldn’t think that forcing happiness is somehow going to change the way I view my relationships and the things I need to do to recover.
Sometimes it feels like people even propagate the problems I’m trying to escape by laughing about it and then pretending it didn’t happen.
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self.depression
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how the heck do y’all deal with depressive episodes? I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder just a few months ago and am currently on Abilify and Lexapro. I don’t really know how to keep myself afloat during depressive episodes and I’d like some advice.
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self.bipolar
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I don't know what to do anymore. TLDR: My best friend died, an ex fucked me up mentally, a doctor didn't listen, I'm on the verge of actually doing something. Help?
My life has gone down drastically in the past years. My best friend died about five years ago and thats when everything started to go down hill. That's when I started getting depressed.
After his death I didn't eat for days, didn't talk to anyone for a few days except for another close friend who I'll call G. Overall it was a bad time. Eventually things went back to normal, for the most part. I was still upset at the loss of a good friend, but that's expected.
My friend G stared dating someone (we will call him D). Ever since I knew G she told me nothing but bad thing about D, plus I knew him and knew that they were true. He was abusive, manipulative, would use her for nothing more than sex. He wouldn't even let her have any friends. And sure enough shortly after they got together she stopped talking to me, blocking me on Facebook and everything.
I saw that coming when she first got back with him, so did all if her other friends, but I was still upset. I didn't try to contact her just because I knew she wouldn't answer, I knew she wouldn't be with him long and I was right. About a year later I added her mom on Facebook and then G messaged me through that account saying she missed me and wanted to see me again.
We eventually did hang out again a few days later and she tells me everything that's happened in the last year and I try to talk her in to getting away from the abusive bf. She tells me she wants to, but she's afraid to. This goes on for awhile. About a week later she does break up with him and another week passes and she and I start dating.
Now this is something I had always wanted, I loved this girl ever since I knew her so to be able to finally be dating her was a literal dream come true.
We were dating for about half a year until one night she didn't answer my texts for a few hours. I get worried that something happened (she went to the store so I thought maybe she crashed) but she eventually texted back saying she got busy with something else. The next day at school she pretty much avoids me untill the end of school when she starts crying and says she doesn't want to hurt me then goes to her next class and breaks up with me over text after school.
She explains that the reason she didn't text back the night before is because she ran into D at the store and he talked her into getting back with him (she didn't use those words, but that's what happened).
So as usual she breaks up with me, blocks me, and we don't talk for about another year until we were in class together and I got tired of not talking to her so I decided to talk to her myself. I don't remember what happened exactly all I remember something funny happened with a flag and so I helped her with it.
From then we started talking again in that class. Eventually things got going again and she started saying how she wanted to break up with D, but was afraid to. She and I almost started dating again even, but something happened, I don't know if D found out we were talking or what but she got scared and stopped talking to me for about a week.
Eventually we started talking again. I had me and her stay back while the rest of the class left so I could talk to her and I managed to get her to start talking. We even kissed, it was kind of cute.
She did break up with D and we got back together. This time for a year and half.
After that she broke up with me again and, you guessed it, went back to D and again blocked me and it's been that way ever since. It's been about three years since she broke up with me and I'm still upset. It's not so much that she broke up with me, it's that she went back to him.
I found out just the other day that Sue's no longer with him though so I'm happy about that, but she's getting married this weekend. I'm not sure why that hurts as much as it does.
Anyways I tell you all this because according to my friends I used to be happy, but now I don't really show any emotions at all.
Not to mention I've been having suicidal thoughts on and off recently and when I learned G was getting married they came back and worse than ever. I actually feel like I might do something this time.
My friend tells me that he thinks G fucked me up with all the times she played with my heart by leaving me and completely ignoring me because he can tell a difference in my personality.
I know I need, but I honestly don't know where I go. The last person I tried to get help from hardly let me get a sentence out before just prescribing me pills so I never went back.
I'm scared and I don't know what to do.
EDIT: More stuff added below.
I forgot to add in the original post about my job and just over all my life. I recently got promoted to nightshift supervisor where I work which is pretty cool I guess, and I was happy because I thought it would help me get over all the rediculous fears I have like picking up the phone, or actually talking to people, but it's just made it worse and I've got more stress now than I did when working normally. I don't want to talk to my boss about it because I went to him and asked to be moved to supervisor.
I also still live with my parents. I absolutely hate living here. Everything about my parents annoy me and stress me out. They are constantly wanting me to give them money and I refuse because, 1 they are terrible at saving money and I don't want to be part of that, and 2 I know my money always hides money from my dad so my mom always has money somewhere so I never want to give her any for that reason and her constant "give me money" stresses me out. it would be different if she didn't actually have anything. Not to mention my dad just spent money buying a guitar. Money he didn't have.
My mom is one of the laziest people I've ever seen. She refuses to bend her arm just to get a remote, mouse, drink, etc. She'll make my dad get up to get it even though all she needed to do was lean a little.
My dad has used tissue piled up on his computer desk, they both have used tissue all in the floor of their room. They blame it on the dog, but if that was true it could be stopped.
They stress me out. Whenever I'm out with friends I'm completely fine and my stress level actually goes down. I can't stand being around my parents. All this plus everything in the original post just adds on to my mental health.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I wish there was a "yes" or "no" option if you want to pick "Live this life" before you're born. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What do “suicide prevention hotlines” in e.g the US actually do in regards of a solution? I’m not suicidal, but I figured this is the best sub to ask. I know what these hotlines do in high public welfare countries like Sweden. They help the person seek help, making sure the government provides an apartment and food and money to do stuff and treatment to get back on ones feet. And when the time is right, you get help seeing a brighter future by being presented all your opportunities. Education is free, so they help you see you can become anything. That life hasn’t come to an end.
But what about countries where education and health care isn’t free, where you can’t really live a good life when you’re at the bottom? What kind of advice do the hotlines provide to people who truly lost everything and are about to end up homeless?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've really done it this time I'm 18 and a senior in high school. Diagnosed depression and ADHD. Both are really bad (one because of the other). I'm taking college classes full time as a high school student and am accepted into the best college in the state, as well as having the Bright Futures scholarship (specific to Florida) and financial support from voc rehab (due to aforementioned ADHD/depression). That's $50,000 of free money and I was due to graduate with my Associates at the same time I was supposed to graduate with my high school diploma.
It's less than 3 weeks until the end of the school year. I haven't been able to keep up with the work. ADHD too severe. Zeros on pretty much everything. I have an F in one of the courses I need to graduate high school and to get my AA. If I can keep up with the rest of the work for the semester, I can scrape by with a D. I'm an A student. Things have never been this bad. I'm not stupid, my standardized test scores are near perfect. I just can't do the work. With a D, I'll graduate high school, but won't get my AA. I've emailed the professor begging her to open up some late assignments so I can get partial credit. She declined. Trying to get the adaptive services to butter her up, and they'll try, but they admit there's really nothing they can do at this point.
I'll most likely get the D, most likely have to take a summer course to finish my AA, but I'll lose my acceptance into the college of my dreams. I was planning on moving into a house with my friends and my girlfriend since we were all going to the same college. But my parents aren't going to pay for me to live and go to community college up in that college town anymore now that I'm a failure, not that I want to go to the community college anyway but my mom is crazy and emotionally manipulative and I need to get out of my house. That $50,000? Going to be gone. I can't pay for college. If I reapply for Bright Futures or that college, they'll see the D and deny me. My girlfriends mental health is also precarious and she's depending on me to go and move in with her. I can't NOT move in with her, but I won't be able to attend or afford college.
Everything is ruined. Besides the actual logistics of everything, what remains of my pride is shattered. I didn't have much to cling on to, I was that "gifted" kid who was given an inflated sense of self worth but no means on surviving in the real world. My ADHD had kept me from being successful in every aspect of my life, but at least I had academic success and was relatively intellectual. Apparently not anymore. There was so little expected of me, "just make it through one more semester of high school." Couldn't do it. Nobody understands what it's like to live with ADHD like mine. "Oh just pay more attention." Nevermind that it's turned me into a vegetable who can barely take care of my own hygeine.
My options are limited. Slim to no chance I'm going to get a C in that class. So I'll lose the acceptance and the scholarships. I can stay and live with my mentally ill mother and do classes locally, while my future with my girlfriend falls apart, and I eventually kill myself. I can move in with my friends, forget about college, forget about my dreams, become a wage slave, and eventually I'll kill myself. I could move up and go to college anyway, racking up tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt, and eventually kill myself. Or, I could just save myself the trouble and kill myself now.
It used to be that the only thing holding me back was my love for my dad, but I'm just a disappointment to him now, so I can't let him down much more than I already have.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Suspicious noises from bathroom triggered memories of my sexual abuse... Idk where else to put this. It's currently 5:52am and I'm sitting on my bed in a towel and my face is red and puffy from crying. I've been crying for the past 30 minutes or so...
I'm an 18 year old who still lives at home with my mum, my stepdad, and my brother. We just moved into a new house so my parents invited some friends of there's (a boyfriend and girlfriend in their earl 20s) to stay over for a few days so the 24m could work on some electrical for us. They've known them forever now and are basically family. This is the first time I've ever met them but they've been very sweet and have been helping around the house and it's been great.
There are a couple full bathrooms in the house, but the only one that doesn't have access through a bedroom only is mine, with a door leading to the hallway and one leading to my bedroom (theyre paper thin. We're fixing that soon as you can literally hear everything from that bathroom) i said to 24f to use my bathroom if they have to pee in the middle of the night/brush their teeth so they don't have to walk downstairs to use the half bath or wake up my parents to use on of their bathrooms. I just said I wouldn't recommend they use my shower because the seal is broken and water gets underneath the door and leaks into the hallway and leaks underneath my sinks. Idk if she relayed that info to her boyfriend though...
24m was still working on some lights downstairs and so I asked if he was planning on working late or if I should wait to have a bath so he could get ready for bed. He said he was going to be up for a while.
I had my bath, did all my New Years shaving, yadda yadda. Went into my bedroom to see if he was going to need the bathroom at all. I figured I had been in there long enough and that my skin routine could wait for about 20 minutes.
A little while later I hear water turn on. I didn't know if it was the sink running or what because I've never heard my sink running from my bedroom before. But then I heard the glass door shut and I felt a little weird that he was using my shower... but at first the only reason was because I use bar soap to cleanse my face in the shower and I just envisioned someone using it to wash their asscrack and it made me cringe a little bit. I was just hoping I could have moved it before anyone took a shower so I could move the soap.
About 10 or 20 minutes pass and I start to feel really uncomfortable and I wasn't sure why. Until I thought I heard....almost rhythmic movement and my heart started to race. I figured that it was just 24m move around to wash his hair or something but then I swear I could hear certain videos. It was only now and then that I could hear what sounded like a woman coming from a speaker but I really was trying to remind myself that I might've been overreacting and to calm down. 24m made two noises that were for sure him and I wanted to throw up. Idk if he was just singing or humming but I started to cry. I especially felt uncomfortable because I was still sitting naked in a towel on my bed with the door right there. The door may have well been open because of how shittily it muffles sounds.
When I was growing up (ages 12 to 15 I think) a full grown man, old enough to be my father or even my grandfather, used to watch me shower through a crack in the doorframe and it's all I could think about as this was happening. I felt and still kinda feel so gross, like I need to strip my skin off. I almost don't want to get dressed up on my pretty dress for New Years because I feel like I'm going to be preyed on like I was when I was a preteen. I just feel gross and uncomfortable and idek if anything was happening behind that door but it brought up stuff that I've never told my family and now I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to tell my mum what happened so I can get it off my chest and maybe feel better, I but I don't want to get into my sexual abuse with her right now...especially when I was looking forward to hanging out with my friends for New Year's Eve........I just really really really don't know what to do and I feel so bad and I tried messaging the guy I'm kind of seeing because he's the one who knows what happened to me but he's not awake and I feel like I have no one to talk to
I don't even want to go finish brushing my teeth because I'd have to enter my bathroom again....
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self.Anxiety
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I'm so alone right now. please stop being mean [deleted]
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self.depression
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Appointment with a mental health center tomorrow, absolutely terrified. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Sliding further and further into anger and depression - need to get it off my chest - Sorry, probably not very interesting There is a ton of shit that is building up in me that has turned me into a miserable, angry wretch. I don't know whether this is a thing that most late-20s dudes go through or if most of it is my own shitty, entitled personality. But I think writing about some of it would be therapeutic, so here I go.
I'm in my mid-late 20s. I live in a town where I don't know anybody and I can barely have conversations even with my coworkers because we have nothing in common. I go to work, come home, distract myself with whatever then go to bed. I'm still a virgin because I'm an idiot who is only attracted to people after I've known them 4-5 years and the chance is long past gone. It's not their fault at all, but my tendency to do this frustrates me. I also straight up haven't been remotely attracted to anyone in like 5 years while my peers have kids and get married.
I am pretty blessed with having some good friends. But I've been the emotional bedrock for so much of their goddamn negativity. For some reason I become the go-to guy to complain about their everything under the sun. When I try to do the same, 9 times out of 10 I'm met with immediate disinterest. Sometimes I've even been told to "man up". My own father once told me I was acting like a little b- when I tried to tell him I was feeling depressed. I can't rely on people to provide the same service that I get forced into for so many others. Getting close to people now feels like a chore.
I have trouble tuning things out. I like to absorb. It's difficult for me to find sleep when a lot of the things I absorb indicate that the world is beyond fucked. Everyday, thousands of senseless murders and rapes happen. Two of some of the deadliest mass shootings in America happened back to back. Car terrorism is on the rise. ISIS burns people alive in cages. Boko Haram uses young women as suicide bombers. Perfectly good people get cancer or suffer accidents for little reason. We have access to information about so much awful shit happening that there's just an overload and no one gives a shit.
The amount that no one collectively gives a shit is palpable. No one I know - even the nice and friendly people - regularly donates anything to any cause just out of pure laziness. On a macro level - billionaires and giant corporations could handily massively improve the world, but instead chase only profit and billionaires hide their incomprehensible amounts of money offshore to avoid paying taxes. Because god forbid they have 19 billion instead of 20 billion. It is unbelievable how much people are unwilling to part with things if it meant they'd only be holy-shit rich instead of holy-FUCK rich. The amount of apathy and pure lack of compassion that so many of the most powerful have has just shattered my faith in humanity. So many beautiful acts on the local level are just crushed because the system is so broken on higher levels.
I chose to get more into politics when we elected the literal embodiment of everything wrong with America. That has turned out to be a mistake. Headline after headline pisses me off with new levels of callousness and apathy from our administration - whether they want to take healthcare from millions to make billionaires richer, or add a trillion to our deficit to make billionaires richer. And so many people just eat it up - or go the smug "above it all" route of "both sides are the same...why even bother bro." When pressed that no, one side is flawed and the other is a pure festering pile of garbage, they have no argument but refuse to take the step to learn more or possibly see that their "enlightened" apathy is anything but harmful to the nation.
But it's not all bad. I have friends, a job I kinda like, a sweet-as-pie mother, and a good brother. But I look into the future and I see nothing. Just a void where I get angrier and angrier at shit I can't control and continue to slowly unravel as I waste my 20s being pissed and depressed.
Thanks and sorry for the incoherence.
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self.offmychest
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Didn't fully believe my diagnosis until now, it's kind of the worst it's been [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I don't like being photographed Because all my life I have tried to be someone who no one remembers or cares about.I want people to forget me because I know that I will hurt them. I wish to be able to drift away. I wish that they will see that I am not who I seem. I wish they see the horrible person that I have become.
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self.depression
|
I thought a hookup with a guy will make me feel used [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Late 20's dude crying alone in his dark room Title says it all. I had the ugliest cry I have had since high school. It’s a long one, but I just wanted to get it all down.
My entire life, if there was one thing I wanted, it was to have a niche. Something to call fundamentally my own, or something I could be recognized as being good at. I didn't just want to be a good person. I didn't want to be "loved for me." I wanted to be able to say that I did something well, or did something novel, and people appreciated it because it was good even when separated from the person that did it. I wanted a random person who has no reason to appreciate me or lie to me to value my contribution to society. I wanted a niche.
I had ADD, OCD, and a minor learning disability diagnosed at a young age. I was a social outcast with peers growing up for large chunks of my life, and bullied from the moment I stepped into pre-k until graduating high school. I was never a problem child with behaviour, but I always needed extra accommodations, or for things to be explained to me again, or some kind of extra effort, and that is something many teachers made painfully clear that they did not enjoy doing (some of you were great to me though). I was obese and awkward, and used my academic accomplishments as the only metric to measure my self-worth, as looks and social graces were things I saw as worthless to even try in given my limitations. I was always told I was smart by peers, but when compared to said smart peers I could never learn as fast as them, focus as long as them without daydreaming about ideas I had, or study as efficiently as them, and thus in the one "niche" I had I was awful in.
To no one's surprise here, I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14. My parents loved me but had no idea how to approach this situation. They forced me into therapy, which is the only memory I have truly completely blacked out of my mind. I used to have my transgressions on how they were unable to handle the situation, but with perspective realized it was immature to blame them for trying their best in the unknown. The therapy stopped when I felt as though it was getting in the way of my time to study, but the depression did not. While at the time it was thought to do to the bullying, the depression persisted long enough after the bullying that I knew this was not merely an environmental thing, but a mental, chemical thing, but given the stigma around mental health, I was averse to helping my problems with medication, as I saw it as weak. I would later learn my father also takes anti-depressants.
I loved games growing up, loved creative ideas and making people laugh, and liked thinking of how games and movies were designed to make people feel certain things. More than anything, I wanted to make people feel happier than I did. I wanted the lowest person to not feel alone, the highest person to gain perspective, and the both of them to explore experiences together. However, the arts were not seen as worthwhile career endeavors for men by my teachers and peers, who instead heavily pushed more practical majors and degrees. Combined with the fact that I felt that only a better job than my peers and a lot of money would make the pain I went through worth it, and I was always pressured to take the high-level math instead of English and focusing on practical technology and math skills despite knowing I would be a better fit for the arts. Hard work and a mild interest in technology ended up being enough to get into a good college for engineering.
College changed me fundamentally in so many ways. Freshman year was uninteresting, but sophomore year I roomed with a random roommate that just so happened to be your standard lacrosse bro with a heart of gold. I was already trying to lose weight at the time, but he helped me figure out how to work out and how to feel comfortable in a gym. I met a new friend group I still hang with to this day. I started going out to nightclubs and party's with them, actually interacted with women, starting drinking and did a 180 socially, to the point that at the end of it all, I am actually better socially than even some people seen as above average socially. I also may have liked drinking a bit too much for my own good. I was known to be "good at it" and it was the first niche I could call my own, so in trying to push that niche further I went a tad too far just a tad more often than occasionally. It also helped keep some of the more unpleasant thoughts away that stemmed from my depression. I didn't do the best in school that year, but for the first time that wasn't the end of the world. I lived up the typical college life and loved it. I also saw a therapist, in secret, that entire year, and while I was certainly not "cured" by any stretch, I thought I was on the road to recovery. I lost over 100lbs, my social inhibitions and nervousness, the baggage carried by my bullying, and my virginity. Laugh all you want, as a bullied obese socially awkward guy who never even kissed before then, it was a big deal to me. That was sophomore year.
Depression hit me like a truck junior year.
As I said, the depression was much more than my experiences, or even my self-worth. I would later learn it was medical, but in a society that tends to view emotions more spiritually than chemically, I tended to feel that something was fundamentally wrong with me. The girl that I lost my virginity to was only using me as a backup bounce-back for a relationship, and while I would have still slept with her anyway, the fact that I was as shitfaced that night out as I was any night out didn't help me feel any less used. I decided to try to sleep with a ton of women, learn how to make people like me quickly, and be as healthy as I could be. In this respect, I was actually successful. Interestingly enough, I didn't even know pick-up artistry and websites for it were a thing until after this phase of my life was over. I just learned how to present the empathy I already had for people from my experiences, learning consciously, and from interacting with a variety of different people and friend groups that year. (sidenote: I perused them afterwards out of curiosity, and most of what they say are bullshit, misogynist, and/or psychological manipulation that are both morally reprehensible and not even worth it for casual sex, with sprinkles of general advice you could find somewhere else).
My junior year studies were the weed out studies, and the time where lacking the aptitude for engineering would really kick you in the ass. The people that picked up the material than me far quicker than I did barely had enough time in the day to pick up the material. I often found myself so lost I didn't even know what to ask. The classes would discuss one thing, and the book something seemingly different. Googling anything would make me more confused. It was genuine magic to me that anyone learned this. I guess the depression didn’t help, but I could tell that even without it, this was not what I was meant for. Maybe I could do it, but I would always be half as good with twice the effort, and no amount of money would make that satisfying to me. Soon the dating stopped because I was thinking about suicide or being overwhelmed by compulsive thoughts and daymares every second of every day, and I could not leave my apartment. I would occasionally drink to keep them out. My days consisted of watching television, sleeping, and watching my life get dragged away from me. This happened for years, with some “social phases” where I would go out for months at a time, and would only be distracted while in those outings. I was on and off various medication for depression at this point, and eventually dropped out of college entirely. I moved back in with my parents as I was as worried for my own safety as they were. I spent two years working shit jobs, narrowing down a good medicine cocktail and reflecting on what I wanted to do once my mind wasn’t broken anymore.
Now that all that is out of the way, here is why I am ugly crying.
I wiggled my way to this slightly less shit job that gives me the health insurance I need to affordably get the meds to keep the thoughts away. The new job also afforded me the ability to live on my own again. I am self sufficient.
I finally accepted, at some point in the years at home, that I loved to write and am more suited for the arts than mathematics. I always knew, but never really wanted to pursue the arts for the reasons mentioned. I gain an immense satisfaction in thinking of creative things. I even had a notepad of one sentence ideas for creative stories, lines, ideas, whatever. It’s at about 30k in words. I started to take some of those ideas and make them into actual projects in google docs. I have not released any of them yet, but when they are ready, I will put them in my blog. I have a youtube channel set up as well. While I cannot guarantee my stuff is going to be good, I can say it is a more indepth and unique variant on a style of writing that has been recently popular. I am super close to getting my first hobby writing project done, and am making more headway in the logistical blocks/plot questions stopping the piece from being ready every day.
I got paid $60 to redo someone’s cover letter, which took me about an hour of time, while at work. I initially asked for $50, as it was the lowest rate I could find for the service online. When this college-educated person read this who works in law and is 20 years my senior read it, she was so impressed with how professional it was and how well I was able to express her skills and experiences that she gave me $10 extra. I know this isn’t a lot of money, but it is the first piece of freelance writing I have been paid for.
I am writing game reviews for a site officially. They are paying me pennies because they are small, but they buy me the games I review as well. The pay isn’t the point though; I am published on a site, officially, writing very similar content to what I want to write about.
A friend pointed out that both of these makes me, officially, marketable as a writer. I know how small that “marketability value” probably is, but still, I am technically there, and only getting better.
My psychiatrist and I made some minor adjustments to my meds, and that has taken me from “well, he doesn’t want to kill himself anymore,” to actually good. They make me feel alive again, focused on the things I want to be focused on, with the thoughts going away without making me hyperactive or clouded and lethargic. I can both think creatively and not want to kill myself for the first time in so long.
Through all the med changes and mental illness, I kept off those damn 100lbs (at least within 20lbs).
I am seeing someone I could actually like (it is hard for me to open up and really like someone). I know she likes me for the whole package, is smart, pretty, and has my sense of humor. I also know if it doesn’t work out, I can handle being single. Not even just that I know I can do decently on the dating scene on my own, but that I now get enough satisfaction and worth out of my passions and self-knowledge to be content being single.
And finally…
After feeling like a social outcast either through bullying, illness, or both for so long, I have learned how to accept and even enjoy me and me alone. Coming out the other side of the lows and loneliness of mental illness has made me super introspective. I am more empathetic towards others and I know myself better than most people. Knowing yourself fully, I have discovered, is the secret to true confidence, and has helped me in every aspect of my life. I am confident that this writing thing CAN work. I am also confident that I WILL always be writing.
When I was a kid, I used to come from school crying regularly. I would go upstairs to my room, boot up my Playstation 2, and listen to the entirety of The Phantom of Opera. Laugh all you want, but I always related to the Phantom. I never thought I was any kind of genius, but I could at least relate to a man born with illnesses beyond his control that made society shun him, with talents that could be valued but never truly appreciated in the society he lived.
Today, I realized that I may not end up like the Phantom. That maybe someday I can produce content that people will appreciate solely for its merit. That maybe my broken mind can pump out something worth a damn. That maybe, just maybe, I have finally found my niche.
I keep the lights off because it saves on power.
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self.offmychest
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The end of Ambition. Anyone else just want a simple job? So you're not overwhelmed? Even if it means downgrading, scraping by and putting a black mark on your resume? A colleague told me he wanted a job where he could "crawl in a hole for awhile". It struck me as an option, maybe a future, for someone who's depression is exacerbated by work, fear of layoffs, and a stressful environment. One negative may be low self esteem due to a menial position, comparing yourself to others, etc....but for someone who's just trying to make it through the day, what the hell?
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self.depression
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Need to reduce alcohol consumption. Ween off of klonopin, Eat healthy, watch less porn, coffee occasionally [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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tl;dr didn't know where to post it so here Hello, you are reading my text... I hope that means you are somebody I trust. I don't force you to read this text, it is bad written not completed has no clear structure and is verrrrry emotional. You can always stop, there is no reason to read this other than trying to understand me. But if you decide to read it anyways handle with care. The text is written for no one special in mind so don't think you are the one addressed.
Do you know this night's, when every new YouTube is watched, the teamspeaks are empty and you have everything done for the day. You have to get up early the next morning and should go to bed some time ago but for some reason you just can't. You feel like something is missing, broke inside. It doesn't matter if you had a nice day or not because suddenly you start to feel lonly. You force yourself away from the cat pics you have seen like thousand times into your bed. You can't sleep so you start listening to music but it doesn't help. You're feeling lonely until you can't take it anymore and start to cry. The next morning you wake up feeling numb, not bad just numb, and start your day like nothing happened.
People tell you they know you. People tell you they are your friends. But you know better... Everytime people are around you wear a mask... From the outside you look like a normal human, sometimes funny, sometimes grumpy, nothing special. Maybe they say you're a bit antisocial because don't talk much and only go on few partys. It's what you leaned, if you want to say something you get interrupted and if not nobody cares so you see no need to tell anyone anymore. Everyone has some problems but you don't to kill them with the same drugs like everyone else. (I've never understand alcohol, everyone wants to get drunk because "it feels good" or "you loose control" or just because everyone does it. I drink sometimes but never really much and it never felt special. But if you would ask me what for drugs I take I would say: music. Music is my drug. If I don't hear my music for a time I can't take it to be around a lot of people.)
It's one of these nights again you look through your contacts, searching for someone who is still online, someone you could write, someone you could tell everything you never let out
I am a traveller of the internet seaching for people I can trust people who can be my friends an accept me the way I am. I had luck some times thought that I found some who cared. We had fun, played games together, and I thought I found some friends. But over time they lost interest or got scared away when they started to know me better. So I left. I was back where I started, had no one but the infinite web and a lesson I learned. So I continued searching eventually finding someone new to stay for a time. I know most of it wouldn't be forever so I tried to enjoy it. And when the time came I said good by to everyone I left to went on searching for the next people to spend some time with. Maybe it would be easier to just forget everyone I left but I can't... maybe you won't remember anymore but I can't forget you all and I want to thank you for everything good you've done even if you don't remember.
" My mind's a kaleidoscope, it thinks too fast
Blurs all the colors 'til I can't see past" a line of a song I've heared a thousand times. But it's true my mind is a mess, all the thoughts about things to build, things to program, and idears but like these texts everything is mixed together, nothing is finished. I work best when I do 5 things at once jumping from one to an other. Or so it had worked... at first it was no problem but soon and I can't even remember why (or don't want to remember, I really don't know) I tried to stop it, it helped in school, and life to concentrate and think like a "normal" person. But after some time I realized that it destroyed me. Now I'm trying to get back in my old state, messy but somehow effective, so that I can think and act I like it. The biggest concern is my memory which is a story for itself.
Sometimes when some friends are around I think, what would happen if I'd started talking. Telling them everything I think, show them my real thoughts and that I'm not like they think I am. Would they be shocked? Would they leave me? Or try to help? Or do they already know? Am I living the lie, my own lie and didn't recognize it once? I guess I'll never know... I never have the courage to say something.
My mind is full of things but I learned that it's best just to shut up, just think your part and let others speak because no one cares if you do. If you still deside to talk you get ignored once, interrupted twice and no one wants to hear you start the same sentence three times.
Hello whoever you are. Do I already know you as I write this? Or will we meet long after? I don't know and it doesn't matter, you have done it. Maybe you are as insane as I am or just extremely nice. Nevermind you read everything I wrote, so you must care at least a little.
The real end now (I hope) a big hug and thank you for everything <3
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self.offmychest
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Diagnosed with Bipolar 1... medications advice/tips Okay so I was just diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I was prescribed Vraylar, today was my first day taking it and it made me super dizzy. I was at work when I began feeling bad, I ended up puking in the middle of the office which was majorly embarrassing. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this medication?
Also is it true that I’ll have to be on medication for the rest of my life???? My psychiatrist told me that it is crucial that I take my medication every day and with bipolar disorder I’ll be medicated for the remainder of my life. I’m only 22, so that kinda shocked me a bit...
Lastly, what medication is the best for someone with bipolar 1, that has just recently been diagnosed? Right now I’m in a very low depressive episode. I was in an intense manic episode for 2 weeks and then crashed into a depressive/suicidal episode. Does anyone have any suggestions or advice on dealing with bipolar 1... I don’t really hav anyone to discuss this with and I don’t really know that much about it. It’s definitely overwhelming.
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self.bipolar
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Thank you everyone....there is hope Ever since I can remember, I have had issues with over analyzing, worrying, lethargy, and paranoia. I always thought it was in my mind and that it was controllable. I had an elevated liver enzyme test due to alcohol and decided to stop drinking, which led me to some self reflection of my now increased stress and how apparently I had been using alcohol as a coping mechanism.
I decided at the age of 30 to finally see a doctor (psych) after other failed attempts at therapy (I was afraid of medication), I felt like I was in control of my brain and didnt want to be a zombie or a "crazy".
Boy was I ever wrong, and I am so happy I seeked help, I started a medication (SSRI) a little more than a month ago, and Ive had energy, motivation to workout daily, decreased cravings for bad food, and overall increase in my ability to stop and breathe/analyze interactions. I wish I had never waited.... I was wrong in my years of thinking I would be weak if I took medications, and that this fear and GAD is the thing holding me back from overcoming my issues.
I am far from perfect or healed. However I am in progress of a better me....and there is hope.
I wish you the best, and will be here to cheer you on.
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self.Anxiety
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Total loss of body sensation + no control over body and mind Is it just depersonalization or something else?
I was playing guitar, and suddenly my whole body went numb, as if I no longer had a body. I wanted to get up and stop playing, but I simply couldn't. I kept strumming aimlessly, as if I couldn't obey my own orders anymore. I wasn't feeling anxious, but these symptoms are making me anxious. It's hard not to convince myself I have something serious.
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self.Anxiety
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I had the blade right on my wrist I broke my razor. There were two blades. They are pretty flimsy. I didn’t do it. I didn’t fucking do it. Why? Am I using its flimsy-ness as an excuse? I don’t know. Fuck. I had the chance. God damnit. My mom would’ve been this close to being happy. Everyone else too.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Deep down, I know I will eventually end my life. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Has anyone here found a way to use bipolar to their advantage? (most curious about with the arts, but would like to hear anything) Greetings,
I, 30/F, was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder after 4 months of the hell of having no idea what's happening to me and why my whole personality has changed so drastically. I'm depressed as heck and have been crying all morning. I don't know how someone is supposed to live like this. Trying to think optimistically, I was wondering if anyone here has ever been able to use the disorder to their advantage. I'm a pretty creative person and would like to harness the disorder to my advantage to create beautiful things. Just wondering if anyone was ever able to do that, or has any suggestions. Thanks
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self.bipolar
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Hey reddit, I feel sad. I don’t know how to start this, because honestly nothing I’ve ever really had happen is terrible, I wasn’t raped, I wasn’t attacked, but I was shunned, a lot. The first time I felt rejected by my peers was when I went to a weeklong religious event when I was 15 or 16, we were in a private prayer circle and I asked them to pray for my faith, because I didn’t see myself as a good Christian, I opened up about some of the things I was afraid of and we prayed, my request was ignored to a large degree (oh hey by the way god, AK isn’t feeling like he is a good Christian) but everything seemed normal. The next few days nobody spoke to me, at all, like they would say things related to the event, but that was it, turns out one of the girls who I was friends with in the group told everyone I was an atheist, and you can figure out what happened next. I haven’t truly gone to church since then, and faith was a huge part of my life before, so it really did effect me.
I’m also ADHD, which complicates matters. I get hyper, and sometimes that scares people off, usually I trust people just enough to allow myself to be hyper and they get scared by it, so the only friends I have right now are two people who I’ve known for years.
Nowadays I’m in college part time, and the rest of it I’m just alone.... too scared to do anything for fear of getting hurt, my parents don’t know what to do, my friends are moving on with their lives, and here I am...... scared and alone... I’m by no means a neckbeard (god I’m not that cringy) but I’m awkward, I don’t communicate well and I’m shit at reading social cued, and I feel lost and hopeless. I really do feel like society has locked me out....
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self.depression
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I'm such a pussy.... I deserve to be in this much pain My situation is nothing unique. I just don't have the guts to keep going with the monotony. I probably have Peter Pan syndrome, because I can't come to grips with being another useless cog and I don't have the motivation to make things better. I dug myself too deep in this life I'm living and will see the success I desire. I just wish I had the guts to swallow enough pills, pull the trigger, or take the leap.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My brother is growing exponentially, and I'm sick of it (video gaming addiction, isolation) Okay this will be long - just a heads up
My brother is 15 years old, and sits in his room all day playing video games. He's about 6ft, leaning towards 300lbs. He does not leave, if our family asks him to come out he screams and throws a huge fit. Now that I've moved out and am in college, I don't even see him around because the few times I'm home he's still in his own bubble, locked away. He'll eat late at night, take huge heaps of food to his room. We have tried soooooo many ways to get him to stop, hiding his computer, etc. He's so spoiled, he screams and yells until my poor parents eventually give in (couple of weeks ago, he left the house at night and said he wasn't coming back until they gave it back). Or, he'll literally just order whatever my parents hide on Amazon (on my parent's money, of course). Last year, his grades were terrible because he'd waste time gaming. This year, he's taking all regular level classes and he's doing relatively okay.
It sucks seeing him like this because he (and I) have struggled with weight all our lives. We both grew up chubby kids, but in high school I started becoming aware of my body and began working out, watching what I eat, etc. Eventually that turned into being diagnosed with an eating disorder, a battle on its own. Although it's still a sting that follows me, the techniques I've learned in recovery, such as mindful eating (eating with no distractions), along with lifting (the mentality is eat more, not less) have taught me how to value my body. My parents like to look at me as hope to get him out of his rut, but I just don't know how to relate to him. He's not willing to listen. He could go to a food psychologist, a dietitian, heck videogaming addiciton intervention. Me being an Integrated Health major, I think about all the social/mental contributors to his weight a lot. I also know first hand how debilitating it can be to feel trapped by your weight, but I'm not sure if he's actually depressed or he just is complacent. He "lifts" for 30 minutes in gym class, and calls it a day. He told me once he eats 1800 calories. lol. He's delusional, and sits by the computer mounding down food without paying attention to it. I don't have a relationship with him because he's always gaming, and he doesn't know how to have a conversation with someone if he doesn't have his phone or his gaming system. He's just so irritable all the time. The doctor told him he'd give him 6 months before putting him on Metformin. I was so proud of him a couple of years ago when we put him with a personal trainer, and he lost close to 100lbs! Then he decided to quit, and he's now heavier than ever. He's a good-looking guy, but every weekend I come home, he legitimately looks huger and huger and it scares the crap out of me. I'm going to school to study chronic disease prevention, and this affects me so much that I'm working on research and policy against childhood obesity. I'm sick of families like ours having to go through this. I feel like an only child because it's always just me and my parents, when we go out, etc. Being Indian, community is really important, and it doesn't help that other "uncles/aunties" find the need to look down on us because we let him get this way while they have perfect skinny twigs. As a child growing up, I used to back him up because being fat is a soft spot on me too, but all I know for sure is he's straight up addicted to sitting in his room. He's only fifteen and has so much life that could be going for him, but I'm afraid I actually will be an only child if I lose him early due to his dangerous health.
Please, anyone, if you know how this can get better, or if you yourself have seen an example of overcoming this, any advice is appreciated.
Thank you so much, A Concerned Sister
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self.offmychest
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Thinking i will be alone for the rest of my god damned life. I need someone to talk to. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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lithium and tummy trouble? hey dudes,
I've been on lithium for about two months now. I'm on 900 mg/day taken once per day in the evening. For about a month now I've had nearly daily bouts of diarrhea. It's always in the morning, which makes sense given the evening dose.
Does anyone else have this? Does it go away? Suggestions on what to do? I super hate this.
Thanks!
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self.bipolar
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Gonna ctb and told my bestfriend - worst decision ever! [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you get rid of an anxiety trigger thats a person? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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All of these dumb things still remind me of you [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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In high school I was in a manic episode for 2 years In high school I was in a manic episode. In sophomore year during the hypomanic phase I started talking about sex a lot and got in trouble. Two months into my junior year the mania started. I thought I was going to win the lottery and become the president, the next MLK or really famous. I even intentionally failed classes because I thought I was going to become the president anyway. I thought everyone in America was going to change the constitution for me while I gave a speech in front of a big audience like MLK did in the civil rights march. I thought I had a special connection to god and god put me here for a special purpose.
When I spoke I switched from one topic to another easily. I was very hyper, had lots of energy, was easily distracted and always wanted to chat. One time when I entered school the security guard once said "this one is always laughing and smiling". I went with my mom to buy lottery tickets (they don't sell tickets to minors). I thought I was going to win the lottery and use the money to make myself famous. I used to go to an organization with lots of little offices and I had a plan to buy the building and employ people there to promote my agenda. One time a fortune teller solicited me on the street. I went in and I asked her what college I am going to go to. She answered Harvard. I literally thought I was going to Harvard. I didn't tell my parents most of my plans because I thought they would interfere with them. I was very angry and moody at home.
A few days before I turned 18, there was a "breaking point" I realized all the stuff I believed weren't true. I was devastated. I wasn't going to become the president or the next MLK. I failed many class. I couldn't sleep at night. I was extremely stressed out. I managed to catch up on my work, took summer school and thankfully graduated in the summer on time. A year later I decided to google bipolar and I read the symptoms of a manic episode on WebMD.
As I read more about bipolar, I learned it's impossible for bipolar I to go undiagnosed. So I wondered how this went on for 2 years without me being diagnosed? During sophomore year, CPS was called because I was talking about sex. Then at the end of sophomore year I did the most stupidest thing. I drew 9/11 on a state test. This was a math question about storage bins so I made bin laden jokes. I was laughing but the school wasn't and they took me to a hospital. The hospital just let me go and told me not to do this again. The security pointed out a couple of times I was always laughing and smiling. I saw counselors at school (who are mental health professionals). I wondered if this will happen again, but I don't think it will. Well if there's anything worse than bipolar it's severe OCD. I am taking medication for that now. Severe OCD is **HELL**.
I most certainly embarrassed myself. In 9th grade I told my classmates I wanted to become a prostitute. I was annoying during my high school years. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I thought there was something wrong with everybody else. I guess I am lucky this happened in high school where you are still supported by your parents and not in adulthood where you quit your job and become homeless. Online I realized was safer than offline. When I posted online I used a pseudonym and never used my identity. So if I said I wanted to become a prostitute or something embarrassing online it would not affect my reputation. But if I say I want to become a prostitute to my friends, they'll remember it and it will affect your reputation. I actually had former classmates come up to me and say "remember when you said you wanted to become a prostitute". I mean I am most definitely not the person I was in HS.
We had a teacher with a reputation for being mean and a girl at my school said she's bipolar because one minute she's happy and the next minute she's angry. I literally thought that was the teacher's diagnosis, but I didn't know what bipolar was or that I had it. Now I know what bipolar is, and realize the girl was using the term colloquially. While I know what bipolar really is, my classmates still probably don't know.
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self.bipolar
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I just can’t find any good reason to carry on. There’s just barely anything worth living for now. Im a worthless coward. If anyone happens to read this, can you tell me what makes life worth living for you?
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self.SuicideWatch
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4 months ago I put a rope around my neck and chickened out when I felt myself slipping away [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Broke up with my SO of almost 4 years and left the discord we built together. Now I am as alone as I've felt for so long.
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self.depression
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My therapist laughed at me for being too sensitive and dramatic. I've been suffering from period anxiety and depression for basically the entirety of my adult life. A few months ago I went to get a blood test hoping that it might have been something I'd be able to treat medically, and finding out that it wasn't was the worst news I'd gotten all month, and it had been a shitty month.
The doctor recommended me to a family therapist, and I was honestly very excited to finally speak to someone about what I'd been going through. When I went to my appointment he basically just went through a checklist of questions for half an hour and seemed very disinterested in what I had to say.
Towards the end of the meeting he asked me a couple of questiond about my experiences at univeristy where I'd started having anxiety attacks, and said that I'm just overreacting to situations that aren't as important as I think they are (of course man, that's why I'm here). He told me that I've got social anxiety and a minor form of bipolar disorder, and just told me to "think more positive", exercise (which I already do), and take supplements (which I already do). By the end I was incredibly frustrated, but thanked him and shook his hand anyway.
I don't really know why I'm making this post honestly. I want to get help, but I don't know how helpful these professionals really will be.
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self.Anxiety
|
What would you think of this guy? 23 years old
No work experience ever
No degree
Unhealthy
Ugly
No money
Virgin, never kissed, never had a girlfriend
Not many friends
Still lives at home with parents who pay for everything
Dropped out of college twice
Addicted to porn & masturbation
Addicted to junk food
Addicted to the internet
Everybody in his life has surpassed him and have gone on to better things, better places and better environments
This person is me.
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self.depression
|
I have no reason to be depressed but some mornings I want to put a gun to my head. I recently became medicated for anxiety and depression but it's become much worse. I do the bare minimum in everything, work, school. I call off of work for bullshit excuses just do I don't have to go in and regularly skip class, and it's just snowballed. My mind races to figure out ways get out of whatever I have to do. I feel like I just needed to let it out but I am at the end of my rope.
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self.depression
|
I am nothing I am 18 years old and I suffer from pedophilia. I prefer not to call myself a pedophile, but it's what I am. I have never hurt a kid, and never will. I love animals, chemistry and poetry plus other things.
I am here because I feel hopeless, that I don't deserve to live. My family says I am not a bad person but I feel like one. Everyone hates pedophiles and wants to kill them. When I hear people talk about pedophiles like they are trash, it makes ne feel like trash. I don't know what I should do. It's hard not being able to tell people something that is bothering you. I can talk about it with my family, friends or anyone. I am scared.
I never hang out with kids, I stay inside my house all the time. I barely leave unless for college. I have few friends, and I have difficulty making new friends. I try to stay hopeful and I write poetry when I am feeling depressed.
I feel like no one understands me. I don't understand why there is any reason to live. Life feels pointless. Always people dying on the news. murder and rape, it's all so depressing.what is the future for us? What is the future for me? Am I just always going to feel like nothing. I don't want to be like this, to feel attracted to children. I hate it. What do I do now?
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self.depression
|
I immediately quit every job I manage to get. What is wrong with me? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel hopeless about the future. I am 18, and, from time to time, I get some thoughts that go like this:
I have never achieved anything, not good at anything at all, simply useless, I just believe that I am a waste of resources and that I won't be able to even maintain myself in the future, since I can get no job, because it is too hard, and I just can't commit to anything, and if I do, it's no use, because I'm just too much incapable of doing whatever it is, everything I try goes wrong, even the simplest tasks that people do well without much effort. I feel like I have no future, I mean, it'll be just pointless suffering. The only solution I see is taking my own life.
What can I do? It's just hopelessness, I'm feeling it more often as time passes, almost daily, actually.
*I'm posting this from a temporary mail account to keep anonymity, don't want this to be recorded with my personal reddit account's nickname. I will be watching this thread and, if it gets responses asking for details, I PM the user who asked, just, please, keep it secret.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Faking that I'm ok is really hard nowadays I wish it was easier to put on a smile but sometimes I just can't and it eats me because I don't want to ruin anyone's mood because I feel depressed.
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self.depression
|
Anyone else find that their mania yo-yos? I made a post yesterday morning. Three weeks of 4-5 hours of sleep a each night in a row, then I got one good night of sleep, 11pm- 7am after three weeks of limited sleep. woke up at 7am happy and productive. Stayed awake for 24 hours straight. Went to bed at 5 am woke up at 4 pm. And I'm still up. I don't know if my sleep schedule is just screwed up right now or what.
During the last month I seem to be yo-yoing between manic ( high energy, little to no sleep you all know the drill. ) and normal kinda meh, not over happy or overly sad just chill.( tho this is more rare ) And then back to manic.
I also had one day where I started to get super depressed but I forced myself to think of all the good in my life and was able to pull myself out of it. But aside from that the above discription has been consistent for about a month now.
Anyone else have this happen?
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self.bipolar
|
Lack of Goals Hello reddit user
I have a question and it sounds stupid, but I'm 22 years old now.
and I have no idea what to do with my life, goals I have at the moment are not so big and I can't find any other goals, I know where my place in the world is, and it looks like I have reached the point where I can't reach the next step, or it feels like I've reached the finish line. has anyone of you ever experienced anything like this before?
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self.depression
|
why can't i bring myself to do anything? for the past 5 years ever since I started not doing anything in 7th grade I can't bring myself to do any schoolwork at all. I just sit in class and sleep all day. Even if I try to do some work I just give up and say fuck it. Even if I want to do it I keep putting it off until later... later... later.. and then comes the time to turn it in and i've done jack shit. My girlfriend and I fight alot, we've broken up 5 times in the past year and got together.. its probably because I don't have the self confidence and trust in anyone and it causes us to fight. Why am I such a useless piece of shit? why can't i do anything?? i just want to give up. anyone else in the same position?
|
self.depression
|
Nope. Nope, nope nope. Nope. I'm... really unconvinced I'm a good or worthwhile person right now.
A hidden brute, a bully, a fiend hiding in my heart.
Settling itself around my soul an icy fist, the growing knowing I'll die alone.
The ones I love always leave me - even you.
I couldn't love me either, I don't blame you.
I felt our small family's every dream nearly fulfilled, part of an invincible unit forging its way into an ever brighter future.
Now it's all shattered and collapsed at our feet and I can't even begin to puzzle out how to put the pieces back together, I'm just a very lonely man with no home of his own and
so very many responsibilities.
Celibacy or selfish lovers. Undesired and undiscovered.
I just want so desperately for someone to say something kind to me. To pay me a compliment. To find me attractive. To touch me. To show some caring.
To tell me I'm wrong to feel all this self-hatred I'm feeling.
I'm hoping people will continue to invite me to things and reach out. I have this sense like I need to withdraw from anyone I care about - to stop inflicting myself on people.
I hope this trip does me good. I hope our daughter enjoys herself.
I hope her being there with me is a powerful enough deterrent against what I want to do.
I wish someone would take her so I could do it anyway.
I wish I didn't feel that.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to run away, I have always wanted to run away. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Am I not even worth a reply back? I messaged you a few weeks back and you didn’t think I deserved a reply. I finally had the courage to tell you what I felt, tell you off. Still you ignored what I had to say. I think about you every day, and messaged you hello and hoped everything was ok with you and and the issues you were having. You read my message but still felt I didn’t deserve a response not even to tell me off. You just feel I wasn’t even worth your time yet you don’t delete me from your contacts or block me? Why is that?
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self.offmychest
|
Still haven't decorated for Christmas In my house my dad absolutely hates Christmas. So this year he took it upon himself to be a grade A asshole and say no Christmas in the house at all. We hung up a wreath and he took it down. We had a Christmas table top decoration. He yelled about it enough that it's gone. At this moment I fucking hate him. If we don't decorate tomorrow I will not show up on Christmas day. I'll drive and sit in a Walmart parking lot for a few hours if I have to because it'll be better than being around him. He's done some things that piss me off in the past, but if this continues I will not forgive him.
The sad thing was that I got his gift first and I think that he'll really like it. It was something that was in the family for years, but he had to sell about 7 years ago because at the time we were having hard times. I got it back with the intention of giving it to him because he said that he regretted selling it multiple times.
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self.offmychest
|
Damn it I'm sad I don't what to do anymore, I feel so lost. What do I do? I need help please someone help
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self.depression
|
Bipolar, relationships, and scapegoats (posted this on r/bipolar2 but felt relevant here as well)
In February it will have been a year since I was diagnosed after about 10 years of struggling on my own and shitty psychiatrists. I’m 22 years old and days ago got out of a 5 year relationship mostly because of my poor mental health.
I experience rage frequently and always seem to take it out on whoever I am closest to, go through long depressive states where I can’t perform basic tasks, along with the other joys of being bipolar.
These are big parts of the reason my boyfriend left me and when we were arguing I would often remind him of sick I am and how it affects my actions. He would tell me that I use my disorder as an excuse and it became difficult for me to distinguish my illness from my actual personality,
How have you guys dealt with this if you have? Where is the line? I know my disorder is part of who I am but to what extent is it me? Existential crisis on top of being heartbroken over my breakup and worried no one could ever love someone like me lol pls help
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self.bipolar
|
Opened up while drunk... So on boxing day, the people I live with (Dad, step mom, step sister and little brother) went to stay at my step moms dads as it's a bit of a tradition. So I went to my moms house.
Hopefully getting drunk... again...
So we invited the old man my mom looks after for dinner. We ate, he enjoyed it so did we all then after all that we took him home. Aftet that we went to the store and brought some echo falls, dissarrono ( can't spell for shit sorry ) and coke. I'm 16 so I gave my mom the money for it lol.
So when we got home I decided to get pissed. Nearly drank the whole bottle of dissarrono in about an hour. Totally fucked. So my retarded self decided to have a breakdown and then tell my sister that I think about killing myself every day and night and that I hate my life so much. I was a mess. But she laughed while I was in tears. Funny right? I also pretend to slit my wrists with a fork which was the first thing I grabbed out of the cookery. Kinda wish I pulled out a knife.
She didn't say a word about it in the morning nor did my mom who was upstairs trying to sleep.
Few dayd past, family go to my step disters cousin's family party, so I go to my moms again, and decided to jam along to my music with my mom in the kitchen, it then got to the depressing music and it ended up my mom pretending to slit her wrists and said to me "No wonder you've been feeling depressed listening to this shit" I wish I said to her that it helps me or some crap like that. Fun right?
Got another post coming up in a bit aswell about my most recent fuck up.
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self.depression
|
Missing someone, but not being able to tell them is probably the worst feeling in the world [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else try to avoid talking about future plans as much as you can? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm not going to Thanksgiving because my anxiety is too bad. That's all. It just sucks I can't go because being around that many people gives me panic attacks. So I guess this year I'm spending thanksgiving with my dog, eating cream of mushroom soup.
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self.depression
|
I'm a white girl in my 30s with so many loving and supportive friends but I don't want to live. I hate myself and I hate my life. Nothing is working out for me. I've lost all motivation to look for new, fulfilling work, I'm no longer interested in the things I once enjoyed, I can't commit to plans with friends, and I actively avoid them. If there's a knock on my door I freeze and wait for them to go away. Many of my friends are neighbors in my apartment building, so I move around the house silently. I ignore their texts to talk and their offers to take me out to dinner.
Every day I wake up and make coffee and drink it out of a beautiful ceramic. It's the happiest moment in my day. All downhill from there. To pass the time I sleep or take several baths. I used to read or do household projects but I no longer have the focus or energy.
I cry all throughout the day. Little things set me off. That's one reason I can no longer be around friends.
When night rolls around and I hear people home from work, chatting with their partners about their day, making dinner, being together and seeming content and happy, it hurts and I feel like something else. Not a normal person. Not a healthy person. This is when I obliviate myself with weed and try to go to bed at 7pm. Or 6 or 5.
Weekends are even worse.
I don't want to kill myself. I want to die. I want to cease to exist. I want to become terminally ill so no one will blame me.
I don't think I would (or at least anytime soon) take real action against my life because I have a mother. I think if I didn't have a mother I could take my life.
The only person I have talked with about suicide is my boyfriend because to him I can be my worst self. He calls me a baby or a pussy and tells me to quit being pathetic. (Anyone else getting that response from their partner?)
I have taken action in finding a therapist and have jumped through the hoops of the intake process and am still waiting for a response after 3 weeks.
I feel for everyone in this group, especially the really young people. It is so hard to be a human. I'm here to chat...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just got out of the psych ward yesterday Some of you may remember a post I made a bit over a week ago about hitting rock bottom and being to afraid to get help.. well I finally got the courage. I went to the ER over depression and suicidal thoughts.. I was put in on Friday and they kept me until Wednesday and it wasn't as bad as I expected.. it was boring but I made new friends who share my troubles. The day I get out though my wife makes it official that we are done and she's talking to another guy but oddly enough I accepted it for what it is and even started talking to people as well.. but I have sooo many mood swings now.. my bi polar is destroying me :/
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self.depression
|
Do you just want to disappear and not exist? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
You go to a Christmas celebration at church then go smoking with friends after??? Why are you so proud of yourself for going to Simbang Gabi celebration and want me to tell m parents that you went yet you go smoking after.. literally all you’ve done during your 5 day vacation so far is smoke, drink, smoke, drink, and you expect me not to worry and to just trust you????
Is it bad that I’m disappointed? Lol
This is day 3 and you’ve smoked and drank so much
I’m so stressed out
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self.offmychest
|
I drink too much, I’m selfish, impulsive and destructive and hurt people I love. And every time I say I’m not going to do it, I do it again over and over! I hate who I am. I don’t deserve to have anyone in my life because I destroy ever single guy I meet.
I’m the black widow. I’m beautiful, charming, witty and manic. I suck these guys in so easily. They fall in love with me then I destroy them with my drinking and impulsiveness. They leave and I cry. They come back and I do it again!! I’m the definition of crazy.
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self.bipolar
|
Not enough is being done in science and medicine for those affected by depression right NOW! Good days, bad days. Up and down. Lack of desire. Racing thoughts. Negative mind wandering and role plays in the head. Then a good day. Then more bad days. Battling the mind to force yourself to do a tiny physical activity like, bathe yourself.
I've had this issue now for about 10 years and I've been on a bunch of different tablets and group therapy (load of nonsense). Family history of chronic depression would indicate that I am predisposed to it. My brain, developed to gravitate towards. I take after my Dad, who takes heavily after his Mum. We all had issues. My Nan had depression for over 20 years and spent most of her time in her room before passing. I've spent the majority of my time in my room.
We younger lot grow older and then the youth with depression are right there, while we get forgotten about. I am nearly 30 and absolutely nothing has changed.
Treatment is a joke and I feel I am not being taken seriously. I live in the UK so treatment is free but mental health care in the UK is one of the least funded of all.
I want to try experimental treatments, LSD, ketamin, micro-dosing of course. I need ti rewire my brain. It is wired in a way that makes me miserable, or angry and usually always tired. In fact depending on my treatment I am either sad, raging mad or sleeping 16 hours a day. Tiredness over the last 2 years has been the biggest issue rather than sorrow. Anger was an issue until a few months ago.
I want to desire to do things and have energy to stay awake. If other drugs are the way get that, I will do it. Antidepressants are a complete joke.
Nobody gives a shit about depression, so long as you don't kill yourself and nobody has to worry or is liable for ignoring you, they're happy to pretend you're not here. Or worse, a doctor will just throw any old box of pills at you and cycle them til one does better than than the other, even if the outcome is still shit. Science and medicine have no balls when it comes to treatment.
When I am reaching 40 or 50, I will be complaining because I will still be on antidepressants. We still have to build our lives after shedding ourselves of depression after successful treatment! Not wait 20-40 years cycling crap treatment like we're an expendable source for pharma's revenue.
I am rotting away, mentally and physically and nobody is helping. I am sorry but as hard as I try (and for years), I can't fix myself. I am not like the majority of society, who just get on with it.
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self.depression
|
Unmed zombie You know how you can go on meds and it kinda hits your system hard and you feel like a zombie? The opposite has happened. I had to suddenly go off meds about a week and a half ago due to allergic rx. I CANNOT fucking function. I feel like a fucking zombie, I wish I could go back on my meds, or at least have been able to taper off.
Edit: I don't won't to scare people who are new, it's not always zombifying, I think it really depends on dosage and how much your brain has to adjust at a given time.
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self.bipolar
|
Weird new panic attack symptoms after starting medication. Hope someone can relate. Hey everyone. Doctor finally put me on a low dose of Celexa to help with anxiety. Especially because I get anxious at doctors offices and such, and have sort of become OCD recently. I'm on day 3. I know these things take time to work. I also know the side effects during the first two weeks can be nuts.
I've been having increased frequency and strength of panic attacks right around the 3-4 hour mark from taking the med. I'll have a major one and then it will slow down and hit me in waves for the next hour or so. They tend to subside after about an hour or two but they are very scary. More scary than usual - I can usually say "haha you're panicking - get over it" and I'll be up and ready to go in 5 minutes. These are very different. These last a long time. I just came out of one and I'm still sitting here shaken up and nervous.
One of the things that has happened recently is a weird feeling in my mouth. Not a taste - a feeling. It felt like the back of my throat and part of my tongue were numb or tingling or something. It's since gone away until I start thinking about something that makes me nervous and it sorta comes back and goes away again. I've never had this before and I'd consider myself a seasoned veteran of surviving panic attacks. Obviously this exacerbated my panic state and made it even worse. There was no weakness, or confusion, or dizziness, etc that would indicate this was anything other than panic. But it sure was weird.
Has anyone ever experienced this stuff before? I wasn't given any sort of xanax or something to make it through the initial symptoms of starting the medication. So I'm sort of just left to sit here and ride it out for as long as I can.
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self.Anxiety
|
Is sudden dizzyness basically a panic attack? How can I control it? My anxiety manifests itswlf in strange ways and it seems to go through phases. When I had to speak in front of a group, I used to get an uncontrolable racing heart. It was so fast it was scary. I cut out caffeine entirely and that doesn't happen anymore! Now I get dizzy. Like really woozy. I just started a new job and I feel so horrified when this happens as I basically have to clam up in meetings and hold onto the chair for dear life and hope I don't pass out (never have). It occurred to me that this might actually be a mild panic attack. Is It? Either way, what is the best way to cope with It? I've tried breathing exercises but it's hard to do in a room full of people. I'm worried I'm going to completely dissociate and pass out. I've considered taking valerian the morning of a meeting even though it makes me really tired. That a certainly less embarrassing that this :(
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else have trouble fantasizing sometimes? Like when you begin to fantasize about something but your sense of reality soon kicks in and makes it less enjoyable then the whole thought feels disappointing but mostly pointless?
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self.offmychest
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Tired of being alive Hey, I don't know why I'm writing this I don't speak about this openly, but I'm tired of living life is boring. Always is the same for me failure after failure, I can't stop getting fired from many places because I'm the typical guy who always is late, I don't enjoy working anyways but that's the only thing I can do cause otherwise I will be fucked up. I'm plain dumb, social inept, I hate life and I don't enjoy nothing, life has been a torture for me, I've been always abused verbally, bullied, underestimated, everyone is bringing me down all times, because they say I'm not capable of nothing and they might be Right I'm a failure, it took me 22 years to get out of highschool, and this is my first year on working (too poor to afford college) and I've been fired from 5 places this single year. Anyways, I'm tired of always trying and failing, of not enjoying things. I want to hang myself or stab my chest until I faint, I cannot imagine myself passing 2018. Life has been a torture for me and things doesn't seem to get better..
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self.SuicideWatch
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weird boredom/sensory issues? Hey, so uh, I often have long bouts of lethargy and stuff that comes with my depression, but I was wondering if anybody else had any sensory processing issues that comes along with that? Like, I'll be popping on a video of some sort but my brain just rejects it?
It's primarily an auditory thing, where I feel like any sound coming into my ears (especially through headphones) feels like my skull is filling with like sand. Sometimes my eyes can't focus on anything either and I just lock myself in my room with all the lights off to try and let the depressive wave pass without distractions, but that just makes me restless.
I'm not sure what this is, but it only comes connected with my depressive episodes and extreme bouts of boredom, so I was wondering if any of y'all feel or have felt something similar.
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self.depression
|
I Had A Massive Breakdown at Work I had a massive breakdown at work yesterday and everyone watched me cry with drooling snot and it was terrible.
I was at the beginning of a 12 hour shift in the pizza pace i work at and i dropped a piece of paper on the floor and i literally looked at it like 'i cannot pick you up' and then the driver who was with me laughed. It wasn't even a cruel laugh but it set me off and I couldn't stop crying and i hid in the toilet and freaked out, i couldn't breath properly, i couldn't stop crying, my teeth wouldn't stop chattering and i wanted to quit my job on the spot and die. The driver was telling me there was an order to be made but i literally couldn't move and eventually i called my manager and just cried down the phone to her and screamed 'how much notice do i need to quit' because it was all i could think. i needed to get out. it was so terrible.
It took about 2 hours for my teeth to stop chattering and for the crying to stop and a further hour for me to be able to speak again and my mam took me to the doctor and he didn't give me a sick note which means i have to return to work today (in the next half hour) and carry on with my job as if i didn't just have a massive breakdown in front of everyone.
tl:dr I had a breakdown at work yesterday but the doctor wouldn't let me have any time off to recover.
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self.depression
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My boyfriend and I have been having intimacy issues. [NSFW] [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I broke up with my SO because I was dragging them down [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Has anyone had success with Buspar (Buspirone) and Wellbutrin XL (bupropion) ? I've been on Wellbutrin XL (300mg /day) for the past six months, and it has been great at helping depression, but my anxiety has still been an issue.
I was previously on Zoloft alone for anxiety, and later combined with Wellbutrin but it was giving my some difficult side effects (drowsiness, upset stomach, change in appetite).
I've just started Buspar (5 mg / twice a day) this week and other than some drowsiness the first time I took it, it has been working great since.
I'm slightly concerned it's just the placebo effect from the excitement of a new medicine. Does anyone else have experience with taking both of these medicines?
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self.Anxiety
|
My friend made a post here and I’m not sure what to do [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Wooo mania, skinny here I come! I lost 12 pounds in12 days and it’s awesome but I feel like ass. (You’re supposed to sing that).
Anyway, I’ve convinced myself that this is going to last this time (lol) and I’ll lose it all and keep it off! We’ll see.
Sorry this is so stupid, bye.
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self.bipolar
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Not feeling accomplished even though everything is going great [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Trapped in a cage. **(TL;DR at the end)**
I know it's a classic mtaphor, but that's exactly how my life is now.
My anxiety problems has started in January 2017, when me and some friends got caught by the Guardia di Finanza (it's a division of the italian police that deals with mafia, drugs, counterfeit objects and similar) with some weed.
This is happened to a lot of people and it's not a big problem here in Italy, you do not risk jail for just 2g.
But the cops weren't really nice to me, they made fun of me because i was scared of a little dog that has stared to bark at me (i was high and in full paranoid thoughts at the moment).
Also, some old people where watching us while cops was searching us.
I had to call my parents and tell them to come to take me. Luckly they weren't angry.
But the problem didn't ended after i came back to my home. That day i was with a friend, and for like 3 months he kept to put pressure on me because we had to recive a letter for a meeting with a social worker (after a year i still haven't recived the letter), and everytime he talked me about this i was telling him that he made me feel really uncomfortable.
Anyway, my anxiety and panic attacks started because of this "friend", i didn't know at the time that i was having panic attacks btw.
Fast forward to June, i failed school for the second time because of the panic attacks (i realized only in July thanks to a friend that i was having panic attacks and now i go to a psychiatrist), at the time i was having like two or three panic attacks every day.
I stopped going out, i was scared and i'm still scared, much less than before, i no longer have panic attacks (i had the last one two weeks ago), but that's the reason i'm making this post.
Everytime i have to take step out i start to feel very anxious, here where i live i only have one friend, the others live in other cities.
Tomorrow i have to go to Lodi, two hours by train, unless someone offers to bring me here by car wich is like 50 minutes.
The last time i went to Lodi was the last time i had a panic attack, i had a great time with my friends and only god know how much do i love them, but now i'm here in my room crying and listening to music because i'm so scared about tomorrow.
**TL;DR** cops caught me with weed, a friend kept stressing me, had like two panic attacks everyday for months, always scared to go out and tomorrow i have to make 2 hours by train to reach two friends.
Nothing interesting, just a vent.
(Sorry for my bad english guys)
Anyway, i'm new to this subreddit, hi to everyone :)!
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm so bored from browsing the same three internet pages over and over But when I do something else I immediately long to back to my laptop
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self.depression
|
I've isolated myself I've only got 4 close friends that I trust, and I've really isolated myself over the last 5-6 months. Well, one of these friends, my closest friend, I don't have to isolate myself, because she already does that, and she already knows everything about my dark side I try to hide from everyone, but that's a whole other story. Another of these friends we basically know that the other is severely depressed and suicidal without even talking about it, so there's nothing there. The other two are "newer" friends. They might have caught on that I'm severely depressed, but I have never talked to them about it. The problem I'm having (or at least the one I'm talking about here) is that I feel like I want to ask them for help, but I feel like doing that means I have to reveal things about myself I would rather not disclose (i.e me being severely suicidal and such). I can't rely on my closest friend for help because she's never around and whenever I ask for help she almost always is "too busy" or is too much of "a mess" to help me. I don't know how to ask for help, and it's getting even harder because exams start in two days.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What's going on? I'm not really sure what I've done the last three days. I think I checked out a bit and drifted through the last few days in my head, hating myself and having some thoughts of suicide but feeling ok until I don't.
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I just can't focus. The Concerta is a different generic from what I'm used to and it's not working at all.
&nbsp;
I have passing thoughts of suicide and sometimes consider letting myself sink into that and remake my past plans for suicide, just do it, finally.
&nbsp;
And I went and bought a bottle of wine and a six pack of sour monkey. The wine is awful. Added honey and splenda. Better.
&nbsp;
I went fuck it and took a 10mg pseudoephedrine, another dose of Concerta from this morning, and another dose of Pristiq. I'm considering finishing my wine and drinking a beer and energy shot. I know I shouldn't mix substances like this especially with medication or take extra doses, but I don't really care right now.
&nbsp;
I do have enough Trileptal to overdose on. Three bottles of it. But that's just a thought I've had several times.
I could rent a hotel room with my credit card and do it there rather than going to a nature park.
&nbsp;
**Crisis chats are pathetic so far. Long holds or a captcha and then still a long hold. A person could kill themselves in this span of time.**
|
self.bipolar
|
I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. Just to think that I have no idea what life can be like without being depressed
|
self.depression
|
Why can't I talk I can't express myself with words
|
self.depression
|
My impulsiveness finally did some good.. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months. We were planning on getting married within a year and moving in together and engagement ring shopping, and all that jazz.
One day, I told him I was going to the mall for a little bit of retail therapy, and that I might not text back right away. So I go shopping, and I decide to take some time for myself. I had gotten a $100 giftcard for christmas to one of my favorite stores, so I was having a blast. After about an hour of browsing and trying stuff on, I heard my phone ring. It was my boyfriend. I answered it and he asked if I was okay. I was immediately frustrated... After I told him I would be just a little bit longer, we hung up. I checked my phone and he had texted me three times asking where I was. Call me crazy, but that drove me up the wall.
I got home and started venting to my mother, telling her everything that I had been bottling up; things that he had been doing and saying. As I said some of those things out loud, I realized that maybe I wasn't in the healthiest relationship.. So I decided to end it.
To him, it seems like I was making a super impulsive decision out of the blue, and he didn't (and still doesn't) understand. I wish I could explain how deep I was in denial. I told myself I was happy, and I started to believe it. Even though I know that on some level, I *did* break up with him on an impulse, I am grateful. I am glad that I didn't let an unhealthy relationship go on any longer than it should have, and I put an end to it.
For this one moment, I am thankful for my impulsiveness that accompanies bipolar disorder.
|
self.bipolar
|
Failed at a New Year's resolution already I have been binge eating since fall 2014, and I've gained 40 pounds. My weight is totally out of control. It's disgusting and terrifying. I hate it, and I hate myself. I ate a whole party-sized bag of cheddar cheese popcorn on 12/30. As I was doing that, I said to myself, this is going to be your last binge ever. You'll keep yourself going by thinking, "12/30/17 was the last time I ever binged." I respond to stuff like that. I thought it would be great.
Then I wanted dinner tonight. I tried to go to the food truck but it wasn't there, I guess because of New Year's. I was on the phone, so I just wandered into the grocery store and bought crackers, brie, and guacamole. I proceeded to eat all of this for dinner tonight. Nearly 2000 calories total, I just added it all up. I feel so fat and sick. It was a binge. It's literally New Year's Day, how could I have done this already? I guess I'll talk to my therapist about it and see if there's any way she can pull me out of this nightmare. Meanwhile next week I start a women's overeating meeting thing, maybe that'll do something. Other than that, I'm not sure what to do to lose weight. I've even tried diet pills, but they just get my heart rate up, though they did curb my appetite some. I don't know what to do, it's just like living in a nightmare. I'm afraid I'm going to wind up on that TV show My 600 Pound Life. Or just get diabetes in the next few years. Or die before 40. What am I going to do?
|
self.offmychest
|
My Aunt designated herself as the grandmother to my future children and it's super unfair. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Did Prozac increase anxiety for anyone? I've been taking Prozac for almost two weeks now. 20mg first week and then increased to 40mg the second week. I've been on Prozac before and did not have this side effect. Now that I've started taking it again I notice about one or twice a day I get extremely, nauseatingly anxious. Is this a common side effect?
|
self.Anxiety
|
For people with service dogs, what's it like? I have a million health problems in addition to anxiety and sometimes think about getting one.
I just feel like for me, having a service dog wold aggravate my anxiety more than it would help. All of the attention the service dog would bring and the possibility of being illegally kicked out, etc. I would rather be invisible and suffer
|
self.Anxiety
|
Everyone hates me at work and they're forcing me to work more so they can goof off I used do a certain amount of work. Let's say 100%. It was fine if a little stressful at times. I worked 8 hours a day.
We hired another guy and now I do 55% of the work.
For the last year, this guy has been lazy, slow, and the quality of his work shit.
Yet, everyone loves him. When the director told me there had been complaints from clients I honestly reported that "Arthur" usually is on his cellphone, smoking outside, chatting with people, etc. Nothing was done and my supervisor never forgave me. She ranted at me in private about it. She chats with Arthur maybe a total of an hour a day. She's married but acts like she has a crush of Arthur.
Even though Arthur has been fine with the work for a year, recently he's been staying two - three hours overtime on a regular basis.
Either he's gaming the system, working slow to gain overtime pay or he's grossly incompetent and getting worse.
Now the director and my supervisor are pushing me to take 77% of the work. Even through it wasn't decided yet, today the front desk sent one of his clients to me. During the meeting, I could hear Arthur laughing and chatting with another employee. This is my future. Me working so he doesn't have too.
Nothing talks to me unless it's strictly about work. No one seems to notice this guy is a clown. Everyone loves him and fuck me.
I don't want to work to create a paradise for this guy. I have no friends. I was raped when I was 8. I've been bullied and abused my whole life. I don't know why people hate me. I don't know how to fix myself. I might as well kill myself instead. I don't see anyway out.
|
self.depression
|
Struggling Hard Today I had a few really good days in there. Today is a huge struggle. My schedule is flipped today - I am working late afternoon/evening. I am near panic at having to get off the couch, shower and get going. I’m not sure why. I just feel pure fear and want to stay under my blanket in my safety zone.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Some support maybe. Every pull is for me to call out and stay home, which would be detrimental to my employment at this time.
|
self.Anxiety
|
A blatant show of reaching out only to be ignored What would happen to a person who was worse off than me if this happened?
I reached out four times on social media, only to be ignored. I could gut myself tonight and no one would ever be able to say I didn’t ask for help.
I’ll not do such a thing. Although I’ve been fantasizing about it all day.
But what if it were someone else. What if it were someone who had the courage to destroy themselves, to kill themselves.
People always say “reach out!”. But what good has it done me? I now feel more alone than I did before. Some people will only exists after they no longer exist, it seems.
|
self.depression
|
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