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I'm a piece of shit who cheated, and I'm a coward for wanting to take the easy way out I don't know why I'm here. My fucking head is spinning just sitting here writing this shit.
I'm a piece of shit. I cheated on my girlfriend. She's been across the country for two years, and I couldn't resist temptation, and I cheated. It's not an excuse. I've accepted I hurt her and that I really am a piece of shit.
I know I deserve this. I was too cowardly to break up with her. I was selfish and wanted the best of both worlds. Her, and sex with another woman. And seeing it crash down on me (deservedly so), I know I deseve this hate.
Knowing I hurt her kills me inside, which is ironic because I didn't think about it when I was fucking her over. I didn't think of how cruel I was being.
So, I'm just sitting here in this fucking apartment. I lied to my boss, called out because I can't focus (I mean, I guess I am a good liar).
I'm trying to think to myself "I'll grow from this. I'll learn from this", but I'm not sure I can. I'm not sure I will. I'm trying to think of how I can move forward, move on from this shitstorm I created, but I can't. It just makes my head fucking hurt like crazy. I just feel numb.
And the fucked up thing about it is, I know it'll hurt people close to me. I know it'll hurt my parents. But I just keep thinking that I'll write them a letter and they'll understand. After all, once I'm dead, it's not like I'll worry about it.
And that makes me more of a coward and more selfish. I know if I do this, it's going to hurt them, but inside me, I just don't care.
I don't want words of encouragement. I don't want people to tell me to "not do it". I don't deserve that shit. I haven't thought about doing this shit in over 10 years. I thought I got through it. That it was a "phase". I thought I was better than younger me, but I'm not.
And I'm thinking about doing this for selfish fucking reasons. Becuase I want to stop feeling this way. Becuase I can't live with the shitty person I am. The fact if my parents knew, I wouldn't be there "grown up boy" who was raised right. I'd always be a disapointmetn in their eyes.
And knowing I ruined the girl I hurt, I can't live with that, even though I deserve to. I should just sit here and take all of this pain like a man, but I just want to fucking take the easy way out
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Misanthropy makes suicide seem like a good option. Why keep living if most people are extremely hateful, hypocritical, and ignorant of things they can easily know.
source of why I feel like this: Being a transgender bisexual who's been abused to all fuck and seeing how most other christian's dont give a shit about loving other people as one myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can alcohol help with physical anxiety symptoms Lately I've been having a lot of physical anxiety, and I don't have medication, Im going to the doctor next week, but I do have alcohol. Would this help? The symptoms that are really bothering me are feeling like I can't breathe well and that my chest is tight.
I've tried all the relaxation techniques i know, but it's only the physical symptoms, and I only get anxious after I notice the physical things cause then I think something is medically wrong.
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self.Anxiety
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I once felt like a king I’m a military veteran struggling with survivors guilt. I was hot shit. Every troop I trained and prepared for the job we had to do did amazing. They were my brothers. Our time came around to deploy and we were stoked. It was gonna be my first deployment and I was prepared to take my troops with me into hell and bring them all back home. I broke my ankle in pre deployment training and was disqualified from going with them. While they were there the fob was attacked daily. My first troop died within the first month. The base was attacked by suicide bombers. He was manning a tower with a 249. He was the first person to see them coming and held them back until more guys could to that side of the wall. He killed 8 enemy insurgents before a rpg ripped his tower apart. Another was running for a bunker when the base was getting hit with mortar fire. He was hit and lived. He killed him self after being home for a few months. Another killed himself because his back was so badly broken he couldn’t take the pain anymore. Another killed him self after his first troop died of an accident while he was on watch. Another made it 3 years. We were both out. He called me up one day because his wife left and took his kids because he was angry all the time. I rushed to him and spent 6 hours just laughing and making plans to go hunting that weekend like we used to do. He shot himself about 30 minutes after I left. About a month after that 2 died in a wreck. Last month I got the call that the last one killed him self because he couldn’t find a job. I’m so ashamed of myself. I’ve been holding myself together with tape and glue that I don’t know what it feels like to be whole anymore. It’s a constant struggle that I feel like I’m losing most days. My soul is so badly broken that I am terrified of relationships or commitment. I am terrified that if I lose another person that I love that I can’t handle it. So I don’t date. I just keep my head down and work. I don’t have friends my family is a good family but we’re not the type of family to talk. They wouldn’t understand anyways. I haven’t really talked to a lot of people about this but I want to start letting some of it go. I want to not hurt so badly all the time. I want to feel loved and not feel fear. I want to be normal.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I wish I had just one person I wish I had just one person, even if only online, to talk to. Someone to ask how my day was, and to tell me about theirs. Someone to discuss anything with. Someone to just talk with, about anything or nothing.
Someone to say good morning to and someone to say good night to.
I know this is a lot to ask for, and I don't really see why anyone would want to talk to me at all. I just wish I wasn't too shy and socially stupid to talk to anyone.
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self.depression
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I will find my way back you to and we will share the love that was meant to be. I will find my way out of this dead-end relationship/arrangement and back to you. We’ve crossed paths and had tried to develop a relationship but due to our worries and wounds, what should have been turned to what could have been. I’m so ashamed and regretful that I left that opportunity go. love you. I want you. And I know you are my soulmate. I can’t tell you this because you said you just wanted to be friends. So I have to put these feelings and emotions somewhere else. Since I can’t tell you, I will just send this out to reddit and the universe. I love you. I can feel it deep within as I get a tingle and a buzz in my heart every time I think I about you. It is amazing how we just connect. All of our lives parallels and serendipitous incidents. I am thankful to have you in my life. So if as a friend is all you want me, then a friend I will be. We’ve got all the time in the world. . I can feel it in my ♥️ and soul.
Thank you for reading. Had to get this off my chest
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self.offmychest
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Help! I have a date in 2 days & I need tips/advice to get over the anxiety that’s building up! 😭 [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication made me gain 44 pounds I'm 209 pounds/95kg right now. My height is 5.6ft/1.71m.
Before I took the medication I was 165 pounds/75kg.
I was wearing Large. Now I'm wearing XL and XXL.
I'm trying to eat less, I'm trying to exercise but this is killing me.
Having to be seen by people is making my anxiety even worse.
I am thinking about changing my meds but they are working so well regarding my anxiety.
My relationship was suffering alot because of how bad my anxiety and depression was before I started taking them and I'm scared of going back.
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self.Anxiety
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Tomorrow morning is my hearing with the University... If they kick me out I don't know what I'm going to do [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Any reasons to not kill myself I have almost ran out of reasons to not kill myself anyone have any good reasons not to.(I'm not excepting guilt trip family and friends stuff or things will get better)
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can’t bring myself to open up to people but feel like I’m alone even though people offer help to me [deleted]
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self.depression
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New job stress I've just been offered a new job and I'm so anxious about it. I feel so sick just thinking about it. It doesn't help that the induction is a week long stay in a hotel 2 hours from home with almost complete strangers. I need a better job for the money because I'm part time at my current place of work due to my anxiety that has been getting a lot better recently. I've got to quit my current job tomorrow and I feel so conflicted. I'm so terrified of not being able to cope and feeling overwhelmed at this new job, but I'm bored and unhappy with my current work. I just needed to write this out somewhere to collect my thoughts. If anyone's been through something similar to you have any advice to help cope with your anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone have advice on being less aware in a conversation I'm trying to be less anxious in social settings and a big part of that is forcing myself to make eye contact whilst having a conversation. I'm now finding myself only aware of where I am looking, how long I am looking at whoever I am talking to then I am the actual conversation. I also struggle with being aware of how often they are breaking eye contact to look away and for how long. Does anyone else struggle with this and do you have any advice or is it just a bad habit I'm going to have to work out over time.
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self.Anxiety
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I’m at the lowest I’ve been in a long time. I used to be able to talk to people before it got to this point, but it’s day three in bed and everything hurts so bad, I can barely breathe. Who do I talk to? What do I say? These people don’t know me well enough, or I know all that’ll happen is they’ll think less of me.
So here I am. Just laying here not knowing what to do. I didn’t hand my last assignment in, I’ve given up figuring out food at least twice a day. I wish I could just make my heart stop, because I don’t even have the energy or motivation to kill myself. I’m just going to lay here, until I wither away or find some motivation not to.
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self.depression
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If I fail I die I am on a PhD at the moment and terrified. Nothing is going well and on one of my modules (I did receive an A for another but that was the easy module) I received the lowest pass grade there is meaning that I barely escaped academic extinction. There is so much pressure on me to succeed (although my parents are supportive I cannot bear how dissapointed they will be if I fail). There is another assessment type thing coming up soon that basically decides if you pass or fail (overall) and I am completely pettrified that I might fail. I cannot bear the disgrace if I fail and I think I will kill myself as I will have ruined my way out of a life of failures.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hella long anxiety attack Soooo I have really bad anxiety and it's been acting up since Saturday of last week. I haven't had an appetite and when I try to eat I nearly vomit. any advice on how not to be like this?
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self.Anxiety
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A perfect night Me in his arms. Him resting his head on my shoulder while I browse reddit and play with his hair and beard.
What a wonderful way to be with the one you care about. :) I hope I always feel this way.
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self.offmychest
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I'm 24 but I want to be 14 forever Dreams shouldnt be dreary ya know??? I'm too kool for skool broheimmmmian
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self.depression
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Can’t take meds and I don’t know what to do [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm falling behind in everything, and I don't know how long I can hold out for... I've just recently been homeschooled (at the beginning of the year) and I think it's been too long of a wait for it to happen. I've always been at a public school my whole life until this year and I think I'm too used to that system. I've been behind since I got enrolled in homeschooling, and I have only until Jan 8th to finish EVERYTHING in school. All the tests and exams, all the 2-hour assignments, all the DBAs (Discussion Based Assignments) and my anxiety doesn't help at all.
I've been trying to figure out why I still have to be alive, and why everything seems to want me to die except my actual body. I've heard that while the brain and heart want to end, the body still wants to live. Which is why some people who attempt suicide end up living anyways because their body still holds on. But I hope that if I decide to actually end it, my body doesn't try.
I've posted here before but, I still can't find a reason to stay alive other than what my life could be if I didn't. But every time I use that reason to stay alive one more day, I just care less and less.
Sorry for this being so long, I just don't know how to shorten it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm tired of my dad saying sexual things about me The title speaks for itself. I’m afraid to leave my room when I’m visiting my parents because my dad gets drunk every night and will either try to antagonize me, or he’ll say something sexual about me (or criticize my sexuality). I’m not going to get into what he says because it’s disgusting and the wound is fresh, so to speak. The worst part is that nobody defends me or tells him to stop. I have to fight my own battles. Just now my mom and her friend heard him say something to me and they did NOTHING. fuck.
I'm 18 btw just to make this situation all the more fucked up
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self.offmychest
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Hey, I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’m here in bed riddled with worries, regrets and fears. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Bipolar 1 and Schizophrenia According to two different doctors. I’m on Risperidone and Divalproex Sodium. I experienced two manic episodes that where several months apart. The manic episodes was due to trolling Facebook with my new found ideological belief. A belief that I was out to save the world. I was playing Metal Gear Solid 4 and found the themes of rebellion very inspiring. I also enjoyed watching Code Geass and felt like Lelouch Lamperouge. I wanted to join the NPA a Marxist/Leninist/Maoist group. I wandered around searching for where the NPA where camping and was hoping to get recruited but it was in vain. I was walking around with no idea on what I was doing. In the end my uncle tried to scare me out of my trance. I spent 2 years combined inside a psychiatric facility. I get really super excited when there is a cause to be fought. What can prevent future manic episodes?
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self.bipolar
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Depression aside, I don't even remember the last time I was happy. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Oh no, I'm worried that no one wants to be my friend, please help I'm a really shy and quiet person offline and they say I'm nice and I take care of my niece and nephew
I was just about to go to bed but now I feel bad from the anon message I just got on Tumblr https://hamsterrivals.tumblr.com/
they said that no one wants to be my friend!
Is that true?
Aaaah =(
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self.Anxiety
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I feel selfish for having anxiety Does anyone else feel selfish for having anxiety?
Let me explain:
Sometimes I feel anxious for no reason. Literally, I'm just afraid that something *bad* is going to happen, so I start panicking; I am hypervigilant.
These feelings give me immense guilt because all I'm doing is worrying and not doing what I have to do. So I'm just sitting around, body against the wall (literally), and waiting for something bad to happen. So it's all about *me* and nothing about anybody else. I am secluding myself when others may want to be around me. How selfish of me.
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self.Anxiety
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I buried a childhood memory of sexual assault, and now it haunts me. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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So tired... I promised my mother I wouldn't kill myself as long as she is alive. Big mistake. Now I can't help but wish she were dead. Does that make me a bad person? I don't even know if I care anymore.
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self.depression
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I've never felt any worse than I do at this very moment. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I can't fucking do this anymore I just wanna cry but I can't. I'm so tired of life now. Why is God/the universe punishing me this much? I can't find one reason to be alive. Nothing makes me happy, everything is falling apart. What kind of sick joke is this?
Btw I'm not suicidal. I promised myself that I would never do that. Plus I'm fucking scared to die.
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self.depression
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I hate how we human beings have to rely on other humans for our own mental health Be it for happy times, affection, comforting words, hugs, practical help... Your wellbeing relies on other humans, who are as helpless and limited as you, and have their own things to care about. There is no solution and I hate this with all my heart.
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self.depression
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How do you cope when a friend leaves you? Because they need space and to have their own time. Because depression is heavy, and they didn't really know what they were signing up for when they met you. Because you always need, and it's just too much to handle after awhile.
I don't necessarily feel sad and lonely. I more feel terrified, because I know where I end up when I'm left alone in my head, and the lucky outcome is inpatient hospital care for a few days.
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self.depression
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I don’t like how music goes in one ear and out the other. I can listen to my favorite song and once it’s over I actually forget if I listened to it or not because of how little attention I was paying to it.
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self.depression
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It is so painful when I am asked about working I isolate or go places where people don't ask those things, or if they do I sometimes lie. I know I shouldn't do this, but I fear judgment because people just don't understand.
I've been disabled for such a long time and am still frightened to death of even taking steps forward to getting back to any formal job. When I've tried, it destabilized me. Even some volunteer jobs.
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self.bipolar
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I didn’t end my life on Halloween as planned. I feel like a failure and am still thinking about doing it this weekend. I feel hopeless.
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self.SuicideWatch
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im afraid of coming out and its hard to get help because of it recently its been really hard trying to fight these internalized homophobic thoughts. and whenever i do tell people im struggling i cant tell them exactly why. i cant tell them i feel unloveable and i hate myself because im attracted to girls. so they end up comforting me in a way that feels so hollow to me and doesnt help. im so afraid of what people will think of me. im afraid theyre going to talk behind my backs and treat me differently.
i had friends who would go around talking about it without my consent and because of it in the past i had creepy guys ask me invasive sexual questions and none of my "friends" stepped in or anything. it makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. the last therapist i had was a guy and he was really condescending and looked down on me. i couldnt even open up about a past abusive ex because i was terrified he would be homophobic towards me. im scared that if i get back into therapy again im going to get another bad therapist. but i really want to get help
am i going to be stuck hiding parts of myself forever? whats the point if im just going to continue going through life unloved and feeling secretly hated? im out of high school and my list of friends keeps dwindling. not that i had a lot to begin with. i feel like ill never connect with anyone because of it. im scared that any friends i make will just think im some creep. i feel so alone because of it
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self.depression
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Does this exist? A practice that actually has both a therapist and a psychiatrist that interact? Or a psychiatrist that also does therapy? I have a therapist I have begrudgingly come to like a bit, but she thinks I need to go back on meds, and I don’t disagree. But I don’t want to do it because I am so damned sick of retelling my story to everybody and the trial and error involved in it all. Why can’t my therapist just work with a psychiatrist to determine what meds I need and relay all my info? I can’t do it again.
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self.depression
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Choking sensation over small things So, this been happening since I'm eleven, and sinceraly i don't feel like talking about what the trigger is, but it's something really small, an everyday thing, very specific.
The thing is, every time i come across that specific scenario alongside some other things, i get a weird sensation im my throat that doesn't go away until I'm away from said situation, and it's been making my life quite difficult, is it normal? How can i make it go away?
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self.Anxiety
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Leaving me stranded in dangerously cold temperatures in my pjs might have been the nicest thing he could have done for me. It really sucked. I thought i might have to go to the ER for frostbite, but some kind strangers took care of me and let me use their phone when mine was dead to have my mom come get me.
Normally I'd be calling him to try to work things out. Normally, I'd feel dead inside without him. But not this time. I feel empowered, and its not just some grand realization. Ive been inching toward this, slowly. Quitting drinking, quitting smoking, trying to fix myself... orginally fixing myself for him, but slowly it became for me. His anger is out of control and he'll admit it, but won't do a damn thing. My drinking is out of control, he is right, I am changing it. Love his kids. His ex wife, his sister and his parents are great. And, yeah, I absolutely love him, too. But I can't fix him and he isn't willing to change.
I'm not too big on new years resolutions but I am going to focus on be a better me. Wish him the best but he's his own problem now, not mine.
And that's all I have to say about that.
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self.offmychest
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What to expect from a first time "Psychiatric Consult" referral from my medical doctor? Already on meds and done CBT. Hello,
My medical doctor wrote me a refferral for a "Psych Consult" to a local psychiatric office and I was wondering what to expect/where it goes from here.
The details are as follows, but I can provide more if needed:
- On Escitalopram (20mg), Vyvanse (50 mg), and Zolpidem - generic ambien - (10 mg)
- Diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, ADD
- Seen significant improvement, but still have low energy, low/no sex drive, sometimes feeling like "nothing really matters"/ no motivation, and some brief periods of sadness.
- Already on medication, did CBT (10 weeks 4 years ago), and life is generally functional, but not great.
- About 4 years ago, I gained 62 pounds (5'10" and went from ~190 to 250) and started binge eating 2 or 3 days a week. The other 4-5 days I eat very healthy, but the binge days are bad. This never happened before until about 4 years ago.
- Main doctor wants me to go to the consult to just see what she says. No explicit goals or other instructions.
- I don't have the ability to leave work frequently for therapy or frequent visits and would prefer not to do that, but I don't want the Psych to think that I am against treatment, fishing for more meds, or whatever.
So, if I've already done CBT, am on meds, and in a stable, but not amazing situation, then what is the likely outcome or path forward I should expect from the psych or my main doctor?
Thanks
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self.Anxiety
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Freaking out over friend with Borderline Personality Disorder not responding [deleted]
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self.depression
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It all just seems so meaningless For the past 6-7 months my life just seems so worthless to myself and everyone around me. I had a breakdown over during Christmas dinner with the family and my mom got angry for ruining Christmas and embarrassing her in front of everyone. I failed a college class last quarter and after telling my parents I could hear them talking about how I was another just another disappointment.
Me and My friends have always seemed to use self-deprecating humor but now it seems that most of their "jokes" seem to be around my past mistakes that they never seem to let me live down, and after about an hour of these "conversations" I'm told to leave. When I told a friend I thought I could trust he told me to stop being so edgy. It just seems like everyone around around me is just using me, my friends use me to relieve stress by putting me down, my parents use me for rent money and labor that my older brother never had to do.
Everything I used to enjoy seems so meaningless now. Every day it gets harder and harder to find the energy to get out of bed, it just seems like a constant loop of wake up go to school go to work go home do chores go to sleep repeat. I just always feel so tired more mentally than physically.
I've been asking myself for the past few weeks what the point is anymore, if no one seems to want to help me and if all I'm living for is towards for the benefit of everyone why I shouldn't just end it. I picked out how I'm going to do it and where I just need to pick a day at this point.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I told my boyfriend about my suicidal thoughts and cutting, not sure if that was the right decision. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Should be dead. I know this is a pointless post and will only piss people off and weird people out (the two things I have any semblance of a proficiency at) but for some reason I feel the need to be a cunt here too.
I am a walking corpse. I am supposed to have starved to death in 2015, they were expecting me to. I have OCD, emetophobia, anxiety, depression and am quite anhedonic or alexithymic. The OCD and emetophobia had receded but are now quite strong once again. I am nothing but a drain on everyone. My constant need for reassurance ruins my family's lives (my mum yesterday said I make her feel sick as well (I am nauseated 24/7)) and irritates them, I am "draining to talk to" and depressing. I am completely fucking useless; there is nothing I am good at or that I can do properly or well; I can't even eat like any fucking toddler can. I am an idiot, I have no social skills, two people have spoken to me since Tuesday and I look like an "alien/ostrich/rat/cancer patient". I am extremely ugly to the point that it never comes into anyone's mind that I could possibly want a relationship with anyone.
Why I'm not dead already, I do not know, but I do know it was a mistake. Everything just gets worse, and I'm glad I'm suffering but I wish I was not making others suffer doing so. I am a disgusting waste of life and I deserve to die as painfully as possible. If my family didn't care either, I would already be. My life is over.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm not as sad anymore, but now I'm just perpetually flat and indifferent. [deleted]
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self.depression
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It's becoming too much to handle. Mom is handing over the keys to the house I grew up in tomorrow. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Starting medication whilst working Hello everyone,
I have been suffering for anxiety for many years. I have tried medication previously (fluoxetine) and had a horrible reaction.
My anxiety has flared up again to the point where it is taking over my life.
I do all the right things
- therapy
- daily exercise (I'm a gym freak, I love fitness)
- no alcohol or caffeine and low sugar intake (generally a healthy diet)
- deep breathing exercises
Etc
But nothing is helping me now and I am getting so depressed it's hard to go on :(
I've made he decision to go on medication again, I think Zoloft will be the one. But as I had such a hard time last time I am thinking that if things get rough with the initial side effects I might call up work and go on sick leave for a week or so....
Has anyone done this?
I don't want to go to work if I am drowsy, shaking and nauseous but I really need to give medication ago as I have lost all hope now :(
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self.Anxiety
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Does anybody else feel shittier when they know how many people care about them? the context of this story would take up at least a small novel but i was just wondering if i was alone in getting fucked up and calling old friends telling them half truths in the hope of being put away somewhere and the next day getting a bunch of voice mails about how youre loved and afterward just feeling like more of a piece of shit than before.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you talk when you're manic? My SO says when she suspects I'm becoming manic, all she has to do is listen to me talk and that confirms it. She says I talk faster and more (duh), but I also have a higher pitched voice during manic episodes, almost kind of silly and playful.
Does anyone else's tone change, and how so?
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self.bipolar
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I miss dancing I danced ballet in a professional studio for 11 years and quit but continued dancing in high school for two more years. I quit ballet because I wasn't allowed to move up a level due to me having an injury and not being well equipped enough for the intensity of the next level. To be honest, I was one of the worst people in class. I didn't quit because I was stubborn, but because I had been held back once three years before, which resulted in me joining the class that was below me and leaving the class of people I've been with since I started (but I didn't have any real friends at the studio the entire time I was there, except maybe the fishes in the fish tank which I secretly fed from time to time). I didn't think I could handle the judgement that would inevitable come from the other girls but I also couldn't handle the overwhelming sense of disappointment and failure that came from myself. My mother gave me the choice to continue or stop and I chose to stop because along with the strong sense of self hatred I felt, I knew that the strictness of ballet that ruled over a good chunk of my life wasn't for me. Tbh, I've nearly fallen asleep a few times while doing warm up exercises. I continued dancing in high school cause I knew I couldn't drop dancing from my life altogether. I was satisfied with the class because it gave me the chance to continue dancing without the pressures of needing to be completely perfect. After graduating high school, I had no way/reason to continue dancing. I've tried to dance at home, but creating choreography isn't my strong suit so I usually try to learn choreos from kpop groups because there are some really cool dances out there. The issue I'm facing is that it's getting harder and harder to get myself to dance. The college I'm attending has a single dance club, except it's a competitive club (I've never danced competitively) that requires you pay $1000 to join (assuming you pass the difficult, "biased" audition) and I don't want to put that pressure on myself again.
One of the bigger things I miss about dancing is performing. I'm a relatively shy person but I love feeling the thrill of being on stage and wandering around backstage while waiting my turn (I always danced in a group). It's a unique feeling that vaguely reminds me of childhood and my only worry is remembering the choreo and smiling. I don't think I'll ever be able to relive that experience ever again which is a bittersweet feeling.
It's been a few years since I've quit ballet and I think I've improved emotionally and mentally since that time, but every now and then (more often recently) I feel a sense of longing to dance. This feeling is intensified whenever I watch dance practice videos. I see how great these people are at dancing and I feel sad because I know I'll never be half as good as they are and I start to hate myself again. Watching these videos isn't too bad because I still love watching people dance, but if I'm not careful, I start getting self deprecating thoughts (I can never let my guard down). I get reminded of how awkward my dancing is. In high school, I was one of the better dancers (because of my background compared to people who just begun dancing) and people gave me praises, but every time I watch myself dance (in videos), I get frustrated because I feel like I'm not dancing with my entire being, no matter how much effort I put in. I feel like I need to move onto a new level in order to unlock my full dancing capabilities. To me, it looks like I'm holding back, even if I try not to (this might be a side effect from my strict training since ballerinas need to be reserved and poised). It's frustrating and I can't help hating myself a little bit whenever I see myself dance. I love dancing but I can't motivate myself to dance no matter how much I want to. That's part of the reason why I was one of the worst dancers in my ballet class, because of my lack of motivation. I want to dance but I don't know how to start.
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self.offmychest
|
Unapproachable parents I've been trying so hard the past month to improve my life in lots of different aspects whether it's hygiene, my diet, how I think, how I interact with others, etc, but the same suicidal thoughts remain.
I sit in my room trying my hardest to distract my mind, and when I need help with something naturally I try and talk to my mother about it. Every time I attempt to talk to her or ask a simple question she either shuts me down entirely and dismisses it or answers my questions with more questions I can't answer. I struggle with speaking and sometimes I just freeze/tear up, so I have all these thoughts and feelings I want to express but they're trapped inside of my head. I want to call her an inconsiderate unapproachable bitch but I don't do that. I want to shout as loud as possible and run my fist through a wall but I don't do that either. I sit here and stew forever. I'm growing to despise my family the more time passes. They're even more dull and boring than I am with my depression. I want to magically make a big stack of money appear in front of me, move far away and not speak to them ever again or for a very long time at least.
I want to smash my head against a wall until I forget who I am or until I die. I want to tie a noose and hang there asphyxiating. I want everything to go black as I go unconscious forever.
And then I slap myself in my face as hard as I can with both hands to snap myself out of those thoughts and I carry on trying to better myself. I'm crying so hard as I write this. Why won't it stop, please help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What will make me happy versus what will make me feel better right now When I am depressed, I often get bogged down in the large questions, such as "what will make me happy?" I feel lonely, so I need to find a relationship. I have financial issues, so I need to find a better job, or any job. Life feels meaningless, so I need to find a purpose. These are the big goals which not only seem impossible to tackle during depression, but also make it feel worse.
Today I decided to try to focus on simply, "what might make me feel better in this moment?" I am craving something sweet and pleasurable, so I treated myself to a small frozen yogurt. It would make me feel better if my room were clean, so I'm going to devote 20 minutes to putting things away, and see how I feel after that. I have quite a few bills that I need to take care of that stress me out, so I'm going to commit to paying off one small bill today.
I know it seems obvious to set small achievable goals for oneself, but I often forget so I thought I'd help remind others as well.
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self.depression
|
Sertraline and Propranolol Been prescribed 50mg of Sertraline and 10mg of Propranolol (6 times a day)
I started taking Sertraline, 50mg yesterday at 3:30pm and 50mg today at 9:00am
Currently shaking really badly, can’t stop twitching, my eyes are bloated and heavy, feel really depressed/upset, anxiety is 10X worse,, mouth and jaw is very numb. I heard you usually get bad effects when starting but I find it very hard to live a normal life like this
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self.Anxiety
|
you never know you never know the one always comfort you is the one who need it the most
you never know the one who have the brightest smile is also who always cry alone in his/her room
you never know the one who always seen the brightest is the one who always have suicidal thoughts
you never know he/she don't even want to end his/ her life, but he/ she only wants the pain to end
you never know how long he/ she been dealing with his/her depression. it could be 2 years, 3 years or 10 years
:')
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self.depression
|
Anxiety with my girlfriend *big text ahead*
I hope this is the right place to post this. I was going to post it on r/Advice but I thought here would suit my problem better.
My native language isn't English so I'm sorry if I have grammatical errors.
I'm 17 and I have social anxiety. It affects my everyday life. I'm worried about little things such as eating, walking, talking, I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging the way I do everything. I feel like I have eyes always pointed at me and it makes me anxious pretty much all day, when I'm outside that is.
I have a girlfriend for two years. She is 1 year younger than me, 16. I won't get into much detail, but on the 4th month of our relationship her parents found out about us and punished her for 3 whole months. She couldn't go outside, talk to her friends, she had to stay home all day (this on summer vacations). I got threatened by her dad, accused of being a monster and that I would "get her into an human traffic network", simply by loving her. Before all this, we would meet regularly, so this affected me a lot.
Her parents are really really strict so it's really hard for us to meet. Since that accident, we met each other twice only.
But I have a huge problem, but it may seem a small problem for everyone else. I can't feel comfortable when I'm with her, in public. I feel like everyone will judge the way I kiss her, the way I caress her and the way I hold her hands. She's the same height as me, but she's a big girl, which is totally alright, I love her the way she is. But this creates a huge contrast between us, I feel small and I think it's sort of a "weird" and "laughable" thing that society decided to establish, when the man in the relationship is the one who seems to be protected, and not the one who protects. To worsen things up, I look much younger than my age and I'm really feminine. This triggers my anxiety even more.
I can't focus when I'm with her, I can't enjoy the moment beacuse I'm too worried about what the others will think. I have a really low self esteem and I feel like she's so superior to me. I can't stop feeling anxious when I'm with her and even when I think about being with her.
This is making me really frustrated and I feel guilty. I should be happy about the idea of being with her. But I can't. The anxiety takes over the emotions I should feel.
I wanted help for a way to cope with this. How do I stop caring, how do I reduce my anxiety. I've got prescribed with anxiety pills before, but I had to stop beacuse of the secundary effects. I'm taking anti depressants now, which are not made for anxiety.
I need help beacuse I can't deal with this myself.
I'm sorry for typing so much. And please tell me if I'm posting this on the wrong place
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self.Anxiety
|
I miss the past. Too much. Even the awful parts. I miss my childhood so much. Those times were so easy and fun, and it's awful knowing those times will never come back. I watch childhood cartoons and occasionally play old video games, but it'll never be the same. It's the feeling of being in that time that made it so special. It's indescribable. Time just keeps moving, and I'll even miss this moment 3 years in the future.
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self.depression
|
Feeling like I need to be taken care of but too scrambled to know what that looks like Now that my wife's dead, I'm trying to discover who I am. I've been in a funk since summer. Today I thought... maybe I need to feel taken care of.
I take care of my son, who's 4. He's a better kid on his worst day than many kids are on their best. But goddamn, how did I get to being a solo parent?
It feels like just yesterday that I was a single pothead living alone in the middle of the biggest city in the country. I ate like crap. My place was a mess. No one had ever taught me how to clean a toilet.
Then I moved across the country to live with a woman and follow a new branch on my career. Then we bought a house and got married. I became domesticated. That was as blunt or blunting as it sounds. I was a giver. I tried to do everything the way she wanted. On the plus side, it gave me enough functional-adult skills for me not to suck as an awesome single dad.
Single because she died. When our son was born, they found she had cancer. Three years later, dead. In between, life was challenging. Some would say abusive. Some have said. My counsellors say she was. Buncha people on Reddit. Whatever. Point is, I took care of her before the pregnancy with her depression, took care of her during the pregnancy with her unwellness, throughout her cancer treatment, surgeries, complications, and ultimately her death. I don't want to sound dramatic, but there was a fuck-ton of taking-care-of. I don't know how my brain has handled the horrorshow of much of it.
And the part that makes me cry is that for so, so long, there was no taking-care-of back. "We know how she was," says her family, suggesting they're the few who have a clue what I mean by that. It's tacky to speak ill of the dead, so I won't say ... I don't really know what not to say. It wasn't good.
I'm not comfortable receiving pleasure. I'm barely comfortable receiving help. I'm outwardly doing goddamn fucking great as a dad, a boss, even as a middle-aged fat dude with his financial house in order, and his house house in pretty good order, too. But man, I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want. Or if I do, I'm not sure what to do with it. For so long, I've felt like if I want it, it's probably bad for me, and not only will my needs not be met, they'll be shamed and turned against me.
So what occurred to me today is that maybe I need to feel taken care of. It occurred to me as I gathered this pile of scattered gathered paperwork from around the house in front of me with a fresh pack of file folders, in one more small attempt to rein in the chaos that accumulates when only one person's piloting the ship. I could use a secretary. And a landscaper. And a handyman. And a babysitter.
But practical stuff aside, I feel like it could be powerful as fuck for me to feel taken care of.
What I haven't given much thought to is .... what would that look like, how do I find it, and ... y'know, all the things a sensible person would explore in that line of thinking.
If this all leads to someone saying, "oh, you need to get into the [x] fetish, it's exactly that," then good goddamn, I know the internet is full of wisdom and I wouldn't be surprised.
Or maybe there's just some plain old non-kinky wisdom that should be on the tip of my tongue, but is really an epiphany I haven't had yet. I'd love for a 'eureka!' moment to break this funk fog.
Whatcha got, Reddit?
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self.offmychest
|
So depressed I really want to die recently, but I don't have the guts (i'm too scared of hurting my family and friends).
And it's nearly christmas, it's making me so depressed. I will have to spend time with my fucking family and hide my self harm (forearm and thighs). It's such a pain.
And I just had a fight with my girlfriend, and i'm so distant recently. I just want to die already...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Flashbacks. I was in a relationship with this girl my sophomore year of highschool (graduated June of 17) and I fell in love with her deeply nothing like I experienced before she was like perfect to me then she left me and we had a on/off again thing going on in the summer going to my junior year then when school started again she started being mean and hurtful towards me and she’d always break my heart over and over and i didn’t know why I’d go back every time just for it to happen to me again, I ended up falling into a year long depression my whole junior year of highschool, I started heavy drinking when I was 16, I gained weight stopped going out I’d cry a lot have lots of breakdowns threw out the day and lots of times I had to leave a place to have my breakdowns without people knowing it was hard then my senior year came around and I was just like heartless I was savage I didn’t have feelings like I used to the word “love” don’t mean anything to me anymore just a old feeling I once felt that I’m starting to forget what it’s like. I ended up cleaning up and stuff getting back on track just besides feeling a dull feeling inside all the time and especially when it comes to relationships with girls but every now and then I get flashbacks of her like things she did to me that really shattered my heart and sometimes good things but like I’m confused on what to do I haven’t talked to anyone about it late nights is when they happen the most and I started to get sad again it’s confusing I need help on what to do they seem to be occurring more and more often I’m all alone on this please all help is welcome.
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self.depression
|
I’m becoming more okay with my appearance. I’m not the guy whose turning heads when he walks into a room. I’m a little overweight and average height. I used to say I was unattractive and hated looking at myself in the mirror.
Now I’m content with how I look. I’m feeling a little more confident even though my appearance hasn’t really changed. It’s always nice to make a change but sometimes the change has to be mental rather than physical
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self.offmychest
|
Not good enough. I try so hard with people, I put so much effort in to showing I care and that I actually want to be friends with people, but they just never seem to like me. I'm always the one to start off the conversation, not once has anyone ever just messaged me asking "How was your day?", even though I ask people the same thing every single day. One of my Ex-friends always had people coming up to him and texting him first, so when he is not putting nearly as much effort in as me and hes still getting more people talking to him, It just really fucking annoys me; that I was born some ugly, socially awkward shy kid. I know that is so stupid, but this kind of thing annoys me so much, that I give it my all and its not good enough, and when one of my friends barely tries, he gets more friends than I have ever had. People always say to be yourself, but being myself just makes people not like me. So i'm forced to change myself to be good enough for other people. I'm just starting to give up on people because no one seems to care, I just don't understand how I can be so caring and nice to people, and I just get treated like shit, like i'm nothing...
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self.depression
|
It's night time again! The best time of the day!
The time where the world slows down, no one to fight with, no deadlines, no meetings, no quotas to make, no school to attend, no work to go to, no yelling, no crying, no anxiety, no responsibilities or obligations.
Just guaranteed 8 hours of sleep.
This may not apply to everyone, for those that do apply enjoy!
Good night everyone.
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self.depression
|
Im tired Thought i was doing better. Nope just flirting with hypomainia and a consistent inability to objectively evaluate or even remember my feelings and behaviors without someone prompting and reminding or telling me nope im still fucked in the head. On the plus side ive lost about 50 pounds. So i only have about 60 more to loose before i reach obese.
Hay mod. Just had the thought that a “safe”/“not safe” option in the flair might be good.
Ps im safe incase anyone got paranoid about my mod suggestion
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self.bipolar
|
My girlfriend of almost three years has left me and cut off all contact. My girlfriend and I went to separate colleges. We attempted a long-distance relationship, and then two months into it she told me she was now dating another guy. She broke up with me via text. This was more than a week ago and I'm still processing the shock. Today I completely broke down and lost it. I had been trying to hold in the emotion, but the dam ruptured.
I'm in my dorm room right now typing this, thinking about what had gone wrong. She couldn't have gone to my university, but I could have gone to hers. I had taken the advice of my parents, who had exhorted me to go to the school I'm in now, the "better" and "more prestigious" school. I had also taken the advice of my high school counselors, teachers, and practically every adult I talked to, who exhorted me to do the same. So I took the "sensible" choice, thinking things could work out. She thoughts things could work out too, but was more unsure.
About two days after she had told me she was dating somebody else, she texted me, telling me she still considered me her best friend. I heard it wasn't good for you to contact your ex after a breakup until you're completely over her, but I talked with her anyway. We kept talking for a few days until she told me that her new boyfriend was uncomfortable with her talking with me, and broke off contact. This devastated me.
My girlfriend had been haunted by demons that had started before our relationship and persisted through it. She had anxiety attacks, cut herself, and entertained suicidal thoughts, almost attempting suicide in our junior year. Though I wanted her to see a psychiatrist or a counselor, she was steadfastly against it, and I accepted that. I tried to help her as best I could by being there for her. Now I have no idea how she's doing, and it worries me. It seems the process of "getting over" a breakup means forgetting that your ex even exists for a while, focusing on yourself. Should I? I can tell myself I don't care how she's doing, or what's happening to her. She's got a new boyfriend to handle that, I'm an intruder. It's important to not care at all. When I care a little bit it starts dominating my day, and if I ask her how she's feeling, I'm a guy who can't get over his ex. So I go about my days focusing on myself, while anxious inside. Having fun, but not really.
The very days before she told me she was leaving me she would tell me she loved me. To my knowledge up until then, she seemed genuinely happy to see me and be with me. So I was blindsided. I thought I was dreaming when I got her text telling me she couldn't be with me anymore. She had actually asked for a break in the relationship one month in, telling me she was feeling numb to emotion. One day into the break she ended it, saying the lack of communication was only making things worse. Before she left me, she had told me she was feeling better and that the numbness and depression were temporary, and I believed her. It turns out now she was only convincing herself that she was feeling better, but she wasn't really feeling better, as she texted me.
I can't even come to terms with how furious I am at myself and how much I hate myself. Yesterday my parents visited me, trying to comfort me, telling me that despite all this I still made the right decision going to the university I'm in. The more I think about it, the more I was unable to think for myself. I was such a complete doormat for the adults I talked to. My high school counselor actually told me that "the nature of teenage relationships" meant that we would break up sooner or later for whatever reason (as if it were a certainty). My parents think that my girlfriend's leaving me now was simply proof that she didn't love me much anyway. Was it? In a way, I think it was appropriate for my girlfriend to leave me. I'm not even a person, but a shell and a complete mental slave. I somehow managed to abandon my girlfriend in one of the most critical periods of her life, entering college, because I didn't think of the consequences that actually could have been, only the consequences others told me could have been. I swallowed all that without question because I was too stupid and too cowardly to think for myself, and now I'm paying the price.
A few days before my girlfriend and I left for our separate colleges, we gave each other gifts, and she gave me a letter as well. In it, wrote how she probably would have taken her life if I hadn't been there to comfort her. She wrote how I had made her feel so happy, and that I would always have a special place in her heart. I had folded the letter and put it in my wallet. Now I can't even look at it. I completely betrayed her.
Still, though, I can only wish her the best. My pangs of anxiety about her, her mental health especially, are certainly signs that I have not gotten over the breakup at all. So are the pangs I get missing her, everything about her, especially the interesting, weird, funny, and tender conversations we would always have. She will always have a special place in my heart, and I will always care about her, relationship or not. I will not forget her until the day I die.
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self.offmychest
|
I don't know what to do. I have lost my girlfriend, I am losing my house in 1 month. I have pushed my entire family away. I have no friends, I have no job.
I have nothing.
I am scared where this is going to lead me.
I don't know what to do.. nobody cares about me. Encouraging words like "you can do it" don't do it for me. I am at a point now where in 1 months time, I am going to royally fucked.
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self.depression
|
My ex gf is with a new boyfriend and it hurts my heart. I have no support system to turn to and my mind is in the darkest place it's ever been. TL;DR: I sabotaged myself with one of the best girls I ever met. I fucking hate myself, I'm the loneliest I've ever been and I have no direction in life. Moving to a new country for a change but I'm terrified.
---------------------------
I'm almost 30, I don't have a degree or a career, and I have very few friends. I've been struggling with depression on and off for nearly a decade now, though I didn't realize it until just a few years ago.
Then this beautiful girl came into my life. She accepted me for who I was, and I felt a level of comfort around her that I never experienced with any previous relationships. We smiled uncontrollably, laughed with pure joy and it was the most special year of my life that I ever had. I never thought I could be so accepted.
But because I'm an idiot, I decided that I wanted to keep things "casual" and refused to commit to anything serious. At the time, she was in my country on exchange and I used that to justify why I couldn't date her. In reality, it wasn't the prospect of a long distance relationship that held me back. I simply didn't want to commit because I was immature and kept thinking, "Yes she's great, but what if I can do better? I want to keep having fun."
So she went back to her country with a broken heart, and I kept living my life. We stayed in touch as friends, and over the next several months I started falling in love with her. But by the time I told her this, she had moved on.
I thought it was over. I told her I needed a break, and we stopped talking for a month.
When we resumed talking, she told me that she was having feelings for me again and that she was willing to give us a proper chance. How incredible- that I would get a second chance at this. I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world!
I made plans to move and be closer to her, but as time went by my feelings for her started to wane again. I took her patience for granted, and started slacking off on these plans. This was the last straw, and she broke things off with me- this time for good.
That was 6 months ago, and I haven't been able to move on. I recently saw some pictures of her and her new boyfriend and my heart hurts like a bitch. It appears they started dating almost immediately after things between us ended.
I fucking hate myself. I had the perfect girl, and I sabotaged myself because I'm so emotionally immature. She's so beautiful and our chemistry was incredible, yet for some idiotic reason I apparently am unable to love other people until they're out of my reach. Why am I this way. Why can't I fucking grow up?
I'm finally moving overseas to a new country tomorrow. I have to do it, because I feel like it might be the fresh start I need in life. But at the same time, I'm terrified. I won't have any friends or support system, my foreign language skills are rusty, and I'm probably going to get really lonely.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I've never been in this dark of a place.
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self.depression
|
There's no point to keep on going. Everything feels dull and I don't feel like I could enjoy anything, I don't have anyone that I can talk or connect with.
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self.depression
|
I can't fucking win. I get promoted, so I now make a little more money, then I refer a bunch of people to my company, so i am getting a bonus for each of them. And I paid off my credit card.
And now this stupid GOP Tax plan is passed. So I won't get to make deductions like I used to, and now I am going to owe a shit ton more in taxes.
All that hard work that I did to get promoted and get my life together. Fucking gone. My life just got more expensive when I was just able to barely afford it and start saving just a little bit.
TL;DR - I went from living paycheck ot paycheck, to being able to save a little bit here and there, and now I learned i will be living paycheck to paycheck again because of the fucking GOP.
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self.depression
|
I’m crying alone at school for the fourth time in two weeks. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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How can I live if I don't have anything to live for? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm suffering from depression and anxiety for years, had suicidal thoughts in the past, harming myself, I got better for a while but after my break up I start having the same thoughts and I am afraid for myself. I don't want to die but the feelings and my thoughts are unbearable... I'm so afraid [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The only thing I look forward to is sleeping/dreaming [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Zyprexa Anyone on Zyprexa felt lightheaded? I am going up to 7.5 mg.
|
self.bipolar
|
All I'm trying to do is change the world, is that too much to ask? ["x-post" offmychest] #lamictal #klonopin #adderall If you don't think that one person-- or one group of people can radically change the world for the better nearly instantly, against all odds, then don't even bother reading this.
Tomorrow, I'm going to the state capital to speak with a member of the parole board who will decide if my school shooter gets out of prison or not.
It's a crazy story for so many reasons--feel free to creep my profile and all of my bipolar madness if you wish.
That's the first thing--There are those who are meta aware and there are those who are not. Like everything from my perspective, an ENTP, I see it as a gradient, not as a binary. Or you know, floating point vs. integer, which itself is a perfect metaphor for the relationship of the wave and particle dynamics of quantum mechanics, but what the fuck do I know?
To explain it, I need a group of the bravest, most open minded motherfucking experts in neuroscience, theology, literature/writing, cosmology etc etc etc...
I am an autodidact. I don't have a degree, so anytime I speak to a "Doctor" who has paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to get certified as an expert in their field-- any theory--especially any idea that would invalidate their deepest understandings is blind to such an idea, as it would destroy them a way.
The same thing goes for Christian Fundamentalist and Angry Dawkins Atheists.
Nothing but shame-- Five Dimensional Shame, just ask /r/fifthworld problems.
And most everyone reading this far will think I'm mad.
Shrug.
I'm giving it one more try. My 7th cakeday is coming up on 9/29. I'm writing different essays to the various subreddits whose sum defines my 'reddit personality profile' or "geek code" as it used to be called.
I will, to the best of my abilities, 'speak in their native tongue.' #meta4ubipolarreddit
For that is what has so obviously happened, once you step outside the bubble-- The metaphor in Dr. Strange is both a little real--it's kind of like magic-- but it's not that Psychadelic-- well, not for me anyway.
You can teach some level of this thing to others, depending on their personal potential invalidation.
It's easy to turn it around on me-- I'm crazy, I'm an incredible narcissist (When I try to explain just how fucked up my story is, but also how lucky, they think of it as a kind of brag.. it's such a mindfuck)
So, I have to sequence this all just right-- I'm building the trinity nuke test of peace. Damn that was a pretty decent 5D pun.
The trick is only the impossible, right? You need to get pretty much everyone on the planet to give up one of their most deeply held beliefs--things they KNOW to be true--more will be asked of some than others.
This is 'judgement day.' And it is coming--by war or by words. Soon.
If you could be as randomly well traveled between different US cultures as I--Metropolitan, Rural, Rich, Poor--myself and even others much Richer and Poorer. The list goes on and on. But I'll stop here. My point is that you begin to understand the problem is both impossible and the simplest thing of all.
If you expect the "enemy" to change their mind about one of their most fundamental beliefs, then you must be willing to do the same.
And I have done this. And I'm willing to do it again. Including stopping this endless search. I haven't quite mapped out "the puzzle" I'm making for 9/29, but If it fails, and I think I did it as best I could, I'm giving up this reddit account forever. No Bamboozles. I'm tired of my fuckhead of a sister who validates herself by calling my ex girlfriend after stalking my reddit profile. No shit.
So, it works or I become lurker04503384288. Whatever.
I have doxxed myself completely--metaphorically and literally. I have told my deepest secrets on stage at Johns Hopkins University in a short conversation with Edward Fucking Snowden that turned out to be a kind of prophetic statement-- The exact thing that I asked happened during the electoral college.
Anyway, fuckit-- I gotta get through these 'fuckit' moments so I can continue and finish this project, against the odds of being the ENTP that I am... I might have already crossed into the ENFP area--but I've always been a kind of hybrid anyway.
That is my bipolar--my thinking and feeling sides are asynchronously developed.
And so I believe I can explain many mental disorders better than the DSM-V, that piece of fucking medieval shit. And clearly I'm angry, because I have been persecuted by my family in a way--but mostly it's because they can't understand me, and didn't mean to "do" this to me.
So, tomorrow, on 9/11 I'm taking all of this in while I make a case one way or another for the kid who came to class with a 9mm intent to kill the whole school in 1988, but 'only' killed one teacher, and 'miraculously' his gun jammed.
It's far more influence than going to the totally gamed ballot box on election day.
Nothing has changed, and everything has changed. The answer itself is a paradox, but when you can see both sides of the paradox, then you see the answer--but if you are not brave, if you are not prepared, the answer can suck you in to make way for a new hyperspace bypass.
|
self.bipolar
|
(((VENTING))) Aye this feels weird posting on a depression subreddit. I never would've thought that'd id have depression because I'm such a positive person and I always look for the good in stuff. But here's what's been going on.
I've been dealing with serious social anxiety since I was 13. Id always be amazed by people's social skills and id never understand why I always felt so anxious around even my own friends. I began to feel depressed at the start of 2017 when I began to just feel numb. Nothing was special and my anxiety was worse than ever. Everything got 100x worse when I met this girl that I liked and it turned out she liked me back. We were talking for about 2 weeks when all of the sudden we just stopped and she began to find me annoying. So that brought my anxiety up 100x and made me more depressed than ever. Now I've been feeling so numb and sad and worthless. I've wanted to cut but I'm a pussy and I hate the sight of blood so I just scratch and scrape at my arms with my finger nails instead. Just to feel something you know? Like a stimulus. Anyways, just wanted to vent and I'm positive that I'll get through this which is the main thing. Just been feeling shit and if there's anyone that relates and wants to talk that'd be awesome coz I'm too scared to open up to anyone that I know about this. The only person that knows is the girl that liked me and she just kinda ditched so I've been feeling like a worthless piece of shit. Anyways, I don't really care if many people read this and I know it's a long read so dw about it. Hope everyone who relates finds help and courage through their struggles. Peace
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self.depression
|
What a great way to start off the year. Cried myself to sleep last night, wasn't on the agenda at all. Siblings treat me and each other like shit. It's driving me insane. 2017 wasn't a good year at all. I wish I could honestly just hit my siblings and show them their place. They're ungrateful, they fight with the whole family. I'm so tired and i'm a failure of an older sibling.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I think one of my main worries is coming true, feeling super anxious and could use some advice So this is all going to sound super silly, but one of my main anxiety issues is that i worry about getting sick before events that I'm really looking forward to. not like terminally ill sick, minor things like a cold or stomach bug, neither of which i handle well at all.
well, I've had a few stressful past few days, and when you take that and put me out in the freezing weather we've been having, i think i may have caught a cold. i began to feel iffy yesterday and unfortunately only feel worse today, but i don't know if I'm just making matters worse with my anxiety or not. my main issues are a sore throat and dry nose. it's itchy here and there as well so I'm praying that maybe i just have some allergies or irritation, but i can't be sure
anyway, my boyfriend, who i haven't seen in two weeks (because we're on winter break from college) is driving 3 hours tomorrow morning to come visit and stay with me until Monday. normally i would be super excited, but of course with my luck I'm feeling crappy and may or may not be catching a cold. either way, my anxiety is through the roof which isn't helping. I'm the biggest baby when it comes to having a cold (because of my health anxieties) and i basically lay in bed and just want to be alone. that obviously won't work out too well while my boyfriend is here.
i can't tell him not to come. we've both been looking forward to this since we left for break. i just don't know how I'll manage to feel this crappy and still enjoy his company. i can't even be excited because I'm so caught up in the fact that I'm coming down with something.
I've been drinking a lot of decaf green tea with honey, eating fruits, and I have a humidifier running in my room. i tried an airborne gummy but it probably won't work. I'm not a huge med person, I don't even like taking Tylenol.
I'd really appreciate any tips on how to push through and maybe actually be able to enjoy the weekend and have my boyfriend enjoy it too, without me being an anxious and sick mess! thanks in advance :)
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm so ready to die I'm so done I can't wait any longer this constant thought of killing myself is driving me insane I've been putting this off for eight years now. why can't I be happy? I should've killed my self way sooner I kept waiting and waiting but I still want to die. Fuck this shit o wish I could give my life force to someone who can use it better than me. I can't wait for much longer I'm either going to lose my mind or kill myself and I would rather die than lose my mind.
Well here's yet another positive post for this site.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Any health anxiety sufferers out there? My new obsession is pOTS. I’ve fully convinced myself I have it, and I’m a 25 year old male.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My grandpa's ashes Recently my entire family decided to keep my grandfather's ashes at my house instead of throw them in the ocean. I didnt know this until I asked my mom today where they put the ashes (still thinking we threw them in the ocean) and she goes "in the cabinet behind you".
I can't stop thinking about it. It horrifies me. 3 months ago i hugged him, and now hes just a fucking box full of ash. Thats not my fucking grandfather.
I suppressed my emotions about his death and barely cried when he died. but i've been bawling since realizing that hes a box of ash rn.
Fuck this
|
self.offmychest
|
I can feel a break down coming and I can't stop it I feel so frustrated and scared. I just went off lithium and went on latuda so I could try to have a baby and I feel more out of control and angry then I ever have.
I don't want to do this anymore. It is fucking terrifying knowing that I'm on the verge of ruining my whole life because I can't just get it together.
So now I'm in the bathroom at work bawling at 4am pouring put my heart on reddit.
Damnit. This is awful.
|
self.bipolar
|
I fucking hate below freezing weather. It's dark. It's deathly cold. FUCK the winter months. People die from these subzero temperatures every day in the U.S., it's so malicious and sad. Every morning is a dark, freezing piece of shit with awful drivers ruining the roads. It saps what little life energy I have left just thinking about it.
I fucking loathe winter because it makes everything in my life inconceivably difficult and adversarial. Driving a frozen-windshield car, commuting to my icy-road job, buying food, even taking a shower are all mountainous, painful ordeals. Every moment is spent desperately not freezing to death.
I never want to leave my room, talk to anyone, or do anything because it all requires unreal pain and effort. Fuck winter and all it comes with. Had to get the truth off my frozen fingertips, go to Hell.
|
self.depression
|
Would you have made the (full)dive if you knew the risk ahead of time?(yes, SAO reference) I've thought about this many times and another post somehow reminded me of it. If you've seen SAO then you probably know what the title is referring to...if not, we're talking full VR that paralyzes the body and has the ability to kill you if you die in game. There have been many times I've thought about it and I think I would. Not only would I be able to escape this seemingly pointless/worthless existence, but maybe fate would decide for me whether I live or die(in a world where the latter has a much more likely chance of happening compared to our own) rather than feeling like I need to make that decision myself at some point. Plus I like gaming and think it would probably just be easier to live in that game world.
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self.depression
|
I have no health insurance so I am unable to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. I have shared with 2 close friends and relatives that I am dangerously depressed. No one is taking it seriously - I think about suicide everyday. Every single day. Someone give me some guidance, please. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I didn't ask to be born. Doesn't it bother you guys that you were brought into this world one day and you were just expected to go to school, get a job, and contribute to society?
And can I talk about school?
Why is it that I learn more on Youtube than at school? I enjoy learning off of channels like Vsauce and Asapscience more than I ever did at school.
I have a lot more to say but I can't organize my thoughts cuz I'm so done. I'll just leave this here..
|
self.offmychest
|
Help for a terminally-ill friend I have a friend who was recently given a diagnosis for a terminal disease. The time horizon isn't great, but it isn't immediate, either.
He's deeply religious, and I while I think his scruples are strong enough to make it highly unlikely, I can't rule out that he'll commit suicide. He's told me already that he's praying every day for death, that he envies the people killed in plane crashes or natural disasters that come up in the news, that he thinks God is torturing him. He says that he's only suffering through this so he can get to heaven and give God the finger. He's (understandably) at a really fucked-up place right now.
More than keeping him from suicide, I want him to have some happiness, some joy in his life. He doesn't like talking to psychologists. I've tried referring him to some members of the clergy that I know, and I'm trying to find other resources-- but most support groups with "terminally ill" in their names are for the family members, not the people who are actually *dying*.
What can I do for my friend?
Any help you can provide would be appreciated.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How could I 'hint' at being depressed? I’ve been coping with depression for a while now, but up until this point I’ve kept it secret because I don’t want to worry my friends and family, or be a stress on them. It’s been getting steadily worse, and I have an exam today I haven’t studied for, a paper due in a month that I haven’t started, and there are days where I just don’t feel like eating - so I don’t. Not wanting to burden them was the main reason I've kept quiet, besides having a quasi-masochistic tendency towards apparent self-destruction.
I still don't want to burden them, but I'm starting to accept that if I don't get help soon, things will probably end very badly, in a way that would cause even more pain to those that are close to me.
That being said, I still don't want to put undue pressure on someone if they aren't equipped to deal with the situation, so I don't just want to say something flat out. If I just tell a friend that I'm severely depressed, they'd feel *obligated* to help me, even if they're already overwhelmed and close to needing help themselves - I don't want to put anybody in that position, so I've decided my best bet is to try and drop hints about my depression.
People tend to not notice what they don't want to see, so I'm hoping that anybody who wouldn't be able to help simply would turn a blind-eye, out of necessity. Since anybody who did notice would have to practically drag the whole truth out of me, I'd hope that they'd've gotten an idea of what they were getting themselves into beforehand, and decided they could handle it.
Firstly, is this even a good idea? If it is, how should I even go about doing that? I know what I want to do, but just no idea how to do it. I’d be grateful for any advice/comments. Thanks.
|
self.depression
|
What's the nicest thing anyone's ever done to help you cope with your depression? My room is constantly messy. About a year ago, my best friend started to get really into organizing. Not in a negative "your room is disgusting" way, but she kept sending me links to organizational tips and articles. I didn't really know how to respond to her well-intentioned encouragement, so I sent her an article about the correlation between being depressed and having a messy room, where someone describes the cycle of being depressed, not cleaning your room, being more depressed about how messy your room is, repeat.
My friend's response was "Wow, I had no idea. That sounds horrible." And then she came over to my house and cleaned my entire room for me.
It probably wasn't a huge deal for her, but it really meant a lot to me. My room has NEVER been clean, and it absolutely brightened my day to, for a while, have a clean room. It was over a year ago but I still think about it.
Do any of you guys have similar stories? I thought it would be nice to remember all the positive support some of us have had. : )
|
self.depression
|
Practicum gave me a breakdown last night. Help me figure out how to get used to this and take on challenges... I feel like my one supervisor is expecting way more of me than I'm ready for, like I need to see how things are done not just in general but in this specific context since I'm pretty much just basing things on theory and not practical experience. I know I'll probably have to say something if it isn't something I can handle. But I have a hard time bringing things like that up to people. Like I'm two weeks into this and I'm expected to plan programs already as though I'm a practicing professional rather than a student learning how to do things from watching and being guided initially. So fucking frustrating.
|
self.bipolar
|
Sleep always makes me feel better but after 15 minutes awake is when the depression sets in again. Does this indicate any certain conditions or medicines? I ask because soon I will be treated by ECT for the first time and this is my last chance to discover a root cause for decades of suffering. In my mind since some people have depressed and suicidal dreams there should be something we can learn about this illness when 99% of the time my sleep and dreams are depression free. In fact I've stayed in bed for days at a time just trying to sleep more. Days just laying down, in pain, trying to sleep, suffering. Once I did a full day on the floor beside the bed as a form of self harm, lol.
|
self.depression
|
How many of you live by "just another month/year/day"? [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Why am I even bothering to write this when I should just do it I've come to terms that I'm never going to amount to anything in life. The only major accomplishment I did was graduate high school and get my driver's license (At age 23). I'm 25, still in college basically in limbo from graduating, I have no fucking idea what my plan for life is. Anything I have even the slightest passion in doesn't make enough money or is so common that millions if not billions of people do it already.
The only thing stopping me are my family and friends and even then I'm starting to wonder if they truly see me as a friend or only befriended me out of pity or guilt. Same with family. It's me against the world and I can't take it, I'm a god damned freak of nature. I tried not to use that word but I think it's obvious God made me as proof even He can make mistakes. I'd have more success as a cum stain on someone's mattress.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I am very fucking stupid. So I got really in the spirit this year. Too in the spirit. My manic ass decided to just become one with Santa, and blow fucking like $2500 on everyone I love for Christmas. I told myself it would be fine.
[narrator voice: it was not fine]
So I’ve been stressing about how I need to pay $1300 on my credit card by the 20th or else get a metric fuckton of interest thrown on. I was like how tf am I gonna do this. Then I get a fucking email from the department of transportation like hey btw your registration expires on the 15th and if you don’t pay us you’re fucked btw it’s $300 lol. And then I get home to check the mail and I have a letter from the dot that’s like oh ps we’re suspending your registration because you have no insurance lol have fun.
I was like uh what the fuck I definitely do have insurance??? so I went to log in to the insurance website thing and nope. My mom spontaneously dropped me from her insurance OVER A MONTH AGO AND NEVER FUCKING TOLD ME SO I’VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND ILLEGALLY FOR FUCKING EVER. SICK, MOM. GOOD PARENTING. And I still have bills to pay and rent and my car payment and my assload of medical debt and AAAAAAAA I HAVE NO MONIES AND SO MANY PEOPLE DEMANDING MY NONEXISTENT MONIES AND IM FREAKIN OUT MY DUDES WHAT HAVE I DONE
Anyways. Yeah. So...fuck me. I have no idea how I’m gonna pay my bills. 👍👍👍👍
|
self.bipolar
|
Hi! My name is Shutterbirdy, and I have anxiety. What I DON'T have? Many people in my life whom I can talk to, that actually GET what it means. So here I am! My husband of nearly ten years (Already!?) has been encouraging me (read here "imploring" me) to talk. He knows the thought of meeting face to face with a paid stranger to talk about my anxiety is not something I can do just yet, so he's been telling me to get online "find a Facebook page! Find a website! Join Reddit! Something!"
SO what finally brought me here, on Christmas eve? (HAHAHAHAHAHA! HA HA! Hah.. Heh. Oh, holidays.) Buckle up, this may be a bit TLDR for some, and I understand that.
I am currently silently distraught, heartsick, and completely FURIOUS while hiding upstairs trying (and failing) to recharg at my husband's parent's house. I am mulling over the fact that I now know my mother-in-law will never ever understand (not ever), nor try to understand anxiety. Or any other mental illness for that matter.
I knew this. In many ways I recognized this, just as plain as anyone could recognize a pigeon on a sidewalk. But I still had hope.
That's gone now. She spoke of her late mother today, and how her mother never believed people really ever liked her, not even those who she constantly visited back and forth with. I know what that's like; We've never met, M. , but I see you. You, who I've been told would sit on a chair by the front door with your purse on your lap during thunder storms, because the house might be struck and burn down. I see you. We've never met, but we know one another in this one way all the same.
My mother in law finishes this latest story of her mother, and goes on to express her opinion on the matter, branding a statement across my thoughts, which I grieve may have placed a permanent barrier between the two of us ever having a deeper relationship: "I think she just liked to feel sorry for herself, you know, "poor me, poor me".
She has no idea.
Later she, my husband and I got into it (more my husband than me, as my very loved MIL intimidates the the beans out of me) because we had just learned that SHE believes that all emotion is a choice. If something makes you sad, happy, angry, WHATEVER, you are making a conscious choice to have that emotion. And she defended her position adamantly.
She has opinions. She'll never have any idea.
Where does this leave me? Completely alienated, while also newly understanding why this woman has such a short fuse. She would flat out disagree, but I now know that my MIL also suffers from a mental illness. How could you NOT errupt at every inconvenience and mild disagreement if you have yourself convinced that you have control and choice over every emotion you feel? I can barely get my head wrapped around how all-consuming that mindset would become.
Unbeknownst to Her, our relationship has become a tightrope act. I walk with caution, feeling out every step, fearful of leaning too far left, and too far right; fearful of shaking the line too much... while she sits on a chair in the middle, swinging her legs, and completely ignorant of the sharks in the water below us. Sharks aren't real, right? So there's not actually anything to be afraid of, you've just decided to be afraid. In fact, she's not even aware of the rope, which throws my actions -my reservations- out of context completely.
The sharks are real.
The sharks are the tight, aching pound in my chest, the shortness of my breath, the lightheaded drift from my body. They are chemicals in my brain that are triggered and ringing the alarm bell "This body is in danger". They are the rush of adrenalin that shoots unbidden, unchosen, unwelcome throughout my nervous system leaving me coiled and unsure whether to fight, or to flee. I know about sharks. Not many people know they can be invisible.
But you do.
Thanks for listening. I'll gladly return the favour some time.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm in a fraternity and want to leave but these guys are my only "friends" cause I've been around them for so long and I don't know what to do I'm currently in a fraternity and these guys are the people who I'm "close" with. I'm trying to get my life together and trying to stop having meaningless hookups, drinking excessively, and going to the bars all the time. I'm worried that if I leave then I'll be lost. I'm starting to realize that most of these people aren't actually my friends but just drinking buddies. I can't have meaningful conversations with them, I can only talk to them about dumb frat stuff. I'm thinking I might just not go to the house so much but still be in the frat. I don't know if I want to sever ties completely cause these are basically the only people Im friends with, even though I'm not really friends with them. When I do go out I get carried away and go way beyond my limit and drink/hook-up/party excessively. I hate myself for it and I don't know what to do.
|
self.depression
|
Tell me something good Feeling kinda wobbly and could use some happy thoughts.
|
self.bipolar
|
First part of my depression story I wrote a blog post to start talking about my depression story and the various events that occurred afterward. I plan on writing more soon. Let me know what you guys think.
https://afterthoughts.space/blog/2017/8/13/depression-and-nihilism
|
self.depression
|
Surprised by my diagnosis and the great day that followed... Hello all. This my whole story as brief as I could type it... if its too much than please read the final paragraph as that it what I really want to share.
I am currently 24 and have a great job as part of a small but growing real estate team. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with ADD but I did not like the meds... I kind of just brushed it off and moved on with my life.
I got to the point recently where I was ready to seek treatment again. Not because it's worse than it's even been... but because it's more important than it's ever been. I love this job and I'm tired of the job hopping and the financial instability and I am ready to fix myself so that I can stay in one place and be successful.
I had my appointment this morning. I was diagnosed with GAD and mild depression... and told that I do not have ADD. I was mad and upset at first, I mean my symptoms line up so well with (my somewhat obsessive research and comparison to) ADD and while I admit that I sometimes over worry / over think things I assumed this was a symptom of the ADD. After all I am on a good career path and happily married, not reduced to living in one room like the anxiety patients we hear about every day.
But today was my first day of Prozac and something amazing happened. My amazing boss gave me a hand written note expressing appreciation for me, a card that included a Banana Republic gift card. My first thought, a very typical thought for me, was "She pities me so she is giving me money and also she thinks my clothes aren't nice enough/clean enough/don't fit me well enough for her standards." And then I thought... shut up JannaSwag. You are wrong. And I did. I shut up and let myself bask in the gift. And it made my day amazing. Here is to high hopes for us all.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Gabapentin for anxiety - how long does it take to notice an effect? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Abilify and Gabapentin and ADD New med regiment after being unmedicated (and unhinged) for 2+ years. Up to 10mg on abilify and 300 twice a day of Gabapentin. Anyone have experience with these meds? I've gained a little weight and my labido has noticably dropped. At what dose do I start to actually feel positive effects? I'm not suicidal anymore which is great but I'm still morbidly depressed most of the time.
Also I'm 99% certain I'm ADD and that's the cause of half my woes. I've talked to my psychologist about it but not my psychiatrist. It went unnoticed my whole life because I usually come across timid. What's it like being type 1 bi polar and taking ADD medication?
|
self.bipolar
|
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