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Please tell me it gets better, I had a panic attack out of the blue today and had to leave work. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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We are not weak Last night in the middle of the night I woke up and immediate had a really bad anxiety attack. I felt so dreadful that I randomly burst into tears. I think it’s because I had a realistic dream that all my worst fears came true. When I woke up, it felt like nothing was real and I was just very scared and overwhelmed.
To get a grip, I made a “list of truths” where I basically wrote down the facts of everything that was bothering me. After I wrote it down, I went through and crossed off all the things that weren’t true. I was left with a list of fact—concrete ideas about my life my life and situation I guess. I read through it, and reasoned to myself that I don’t need to panic, and almost immediately started to calm down.
I was never one to really “believe” in doing any of these exercises. For the longest time, I never took mental health issues seriously until they started to affect me. Once they hit, I felt weak and less of a man. Someone close to me said they want to see me be able to take control again. At first, it hurt that I am in-fact weaker than I once was. But, they are wrong.
Doing this exercise proved that to me, because it was the first thing I did completely on my own to force my emotions back to where they needed to be. I didn’t break and reach out to help from others, I didn’t sit and let my emotions fester, I changed them.
After this, I don’t think anxiety makes us weak. It just confuses us and disorients our self perception. Before I had any mental health issues I never had to think about my emotions because they would come and go, and nothing was bothersome because I had to reason to be self-aware of them. But now, I realize we all need to have more strength than before to come to terms with what we are dealing with in our minds, and we are fighting ourselves to deal with it. And to deal with it, we need to be stronger than our old selves. When we deal with our issues, we are proving we are stronger than we originally thought.
I know that this isn’t the last time I’ll have to deal with something like this, but it’s good to know that it’s possible. It’s important to remind ourselves that we aren’t weaker than we were before—that when we can actively change our emotions and literally feel ourselves calm down based on some silly exercise, we are strong.
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self.Anxiety
|
STOP running that commercial saying "Nobody would miss you" if you killed yourself. I'm a mid 50's person with a failed marriage, working from home alone at my own online business, living far from where I grew up.
At this age, virtually NOBODY wants to make friends. About 80% are consumed with their grandkids/older kids/careers, about 10% are too ill or have addictions preventing social activity, and the rest have created very specific rigid life routines that prohibit other activities or friendships. If you're not very wealthy (wealthy enough to throw big house parties or buy a large yacht to invite people), you're DONE. After years of trying, I have given up, and now it's just a countdown to the end.
But this post isn't about me, it's about the commercial that keeps running where various people look around and say, "I wonder if anyone would miss me". I know for a fact that nobody would, and I'm sure there are a lot of people in my situation.
That makes this commercial little more than a dare or a challenge to kill myself, because I can sat emphatically NO, no one would miss me.
I used to be fairly active on facebook, with hundreds of past coworkers, clients, school mates, and such, so when that commercial began I suddenly stopped posting on facebook to see if anyone noticed. No one did. I seriously considered escalating my suicide timeline as a direct result.
I'm sure that the commercial concept sounded good on paper, and perhaps good for those who have everything going for them in their lives, with a perfect family and great social life. But to the rest of us? The message seems to be "fuck you, loser, go kill yourself".
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self.SuicideWatch
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13/M Really scared today So this is my first post on this subreddit.
Today I felt really scared. We had just come back from the movie theater, and I was feeling depressed. My little brother was making a racket, and I had to tell him to shut up like ten times. Anyways, it was a rainy day, and after we got home, I got out of the car and slipped just as my mom was telling me something. Obviously, I couldn't hear, so I explained to her that I had slipped. She did not seem satisfied with my answer, so I heightened my voice. My dad apparently did not like "that attitude", and he got really angry and made physical hints of a possible abuse relapse. I swear, my eardrums are still like half-dead right now. However, once the 'lecture' ended, I was feeling the worst I ever did.
I lost all my appetite for the rest of the day. I stabbed and attempted to cut myself multiple times (succeeding twice). Even with all of this emotional burden, my parents have put a mental burden on me. I need to type up my private school application essay too.
Can someone help me deal with all this stress? Thanks!
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self.depression
|
Spending the holiday alone. Happy Thanksgiving. I am spending mine alone again, because of Black Friday tomorrow. If you're spending the holiday alone like myself, a few things you can do to distract your mind from your loneliness:
- Watch a show that you wouldn't regularly watch, like a different genre. Or play a game you wouldn't regularly play if you are a gamer.
- Make yourself a new homemade meal. Something you haven't tried before. Or make your favourite meal and treat yourself.
- I understand this sounds repetitive, but ACTUALLY make a list of things that your thankful for and stick it up in a spot where you are regularly sitting or spending your time at, like a computer desk.
- Since you're alone, listen to your favourite music at your preferred volume.
- Learn one origami figurine. There are some amazing videos on youtube and its surprisingly fun to do and very rewarding when you do your own origami.
These are only a few suggestions. I know it's hard to be secluded in a holiday full of cheer, but you aren't the only one. If you truly find yourself sad because of the loneliness, I know Applebee's (should) be open. I know ours is. Overtip your server. Sit at the bar and talk to a bar stranger.
I've spent most holidays of my newly adult life alone due to work. I understand how it can be. PM me if you need to talk.
You are loved.
Edit: redundantness.
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self.depression
|
[NAW] Cancer sucks. I used to think that karma is a real thing, and that good hearted people are treated right by the universe. And then I found out about 2 weeks ago that my mom has cancer. And probably the best and most amazing person I know. And it's not fair. And I'm so sick and tired of all the looks and words of support and pity and know-it-alls who think they are helping me by telling me what to do and how sorry they are and think they know so much more about this cancer than the doctors since none of that is helpful. I got it, okay?
But most of all, I'm upset and jealous of others' happiness because they are all excited for 2018 and how it's a new beginning and a new year of new goals, and all I'm trying to do is hold it together and not crumble because I know I need to be strong and be her support and just fight through. And because I'm sick of people saying "cheer up!" It doesn't work like that.
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self.offmychest
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Maybe too much? I'm a really sensitive person. I don't like to be this way, but I am and I've learn to accept that who I am (kinda) but oh my lord how I wish it could be changed.
Every single thing hurts me or make me anxious. An ignored text, a comment, a look. The worst part is that everyone could break my heart. No matter if you're my friend, a stranger, my boyfriend, a relative. Everyone have that power and sometimes (almost every time) they are unconscious they have it. But it's not only with people, there's also like a crazy amount of situations that break my heart or make me really anxious as well.
For example? Every time I hear my friend saying she doesn't have talent (when she is legit one of the best non-professional singers I've ever heard in my lifetime) and seeing how that tears her down. Every time I'm walking in the streets and I see how people ignore a homeless dog. Every freaking time I see how someone that I care about hates himself/herself so much they push their loved ones away. Every time something like that happens, my heart breaks a little bit more. This gets me to the point when I don't share how I feel because I'm afraid that could hurt them. I'm no longer able to stop worrying about my loved ones, because if I could give them something I would give them the chance to look at their self's through my eyes hoping that will make them see that at least for somebody, their are talented and beautiful and kind and amazing.
I would like to be a stronger person too, but sometimes (every time) I feel put others above me and I give everybody too much. I forgive, even when I don't forget, and I give, and I love without waiting the same. And I think that's the beauty of being me. I'm that friend. I'm the friend/girlfriend/relative that would do anything just to see you smile. Even if you break my heart, even if you can't give me back what I give to you. Even if you find somebody better at this than me.
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self.offmychest
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I missed a medical test for the third time today because of anxiety. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Mania and loneliness [rant] Does anyone else feel more manic when they’re alone? I feel like when I’m with my husband or around others I struggle to control my mania and be “normal” I slip up a lot and do a lot of things other people wouldn’t do but when I’m alone I’m like a completely different person. I don’t know. I’m seeing a doctor soon because I ran out of meds months ago and I just got insurance. I’ve pretty much been completely manic for two months straight and I’ve been struggling so much with keeping things under control lately.
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self.bipolar
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After years of struggling with anxiety disorder, i finally got an anti-depressant and i am doing great! I recently got on Lexapro and my anxiety has been much better. I did not want to get on an anti-depressant but had to if I was to continue to be a pilot per requirement by the FAA. They only allow 4 different types of SSRI's. I initially tried Zoloft but had bad side effects. I then got on Lexapro. After a month and a half of being on it and having my dosage adjusted, I am doing well. My anxiety has been reduced and when it does come up, it feels sort of reduced and numbed out. Like it will only get to a certain level and I can get away from it really quickly, if that makes sense. The anxious thoughts are not as "sticky". I don't want to be on this stuff for the rest of my life but for now, especially as I go through many changes in my life with college, it is a great tool to have. I know many folks have their opinions on anti-depressants (especially their cost-benefit ratios) but it works for me. Hopefully, some day, I can go to a more natural solution for managing but my hands are tied at the moment. Guys, don't be afraid to get medical help. Anxiety is a mental disorder that some of us have to struggle with and there is help out there. There is no shame in getting help. Life is too short to struggle with something we can get help for. The struggle does not end with treatment but it does get better! Best of luck to all of y'all!
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self.Anxiety
|
Things just keep on getting better 👍👍👍 It's always good to know that when you think things couldn't get any worse life proves you wrong.
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self.depression
|
Sometimes it feels like having good times isn't even worth it, because once they're over, I'll feel bad again anyway I've had some genuinely great experiences these last weeks. I've been to a halloween party with some people I feel might become my friends. I've seen one of my favourite bands live and it was one of the best shows I've been to. Yesterday we've been to the pub and it was one of those carefree, laughter filled nights.
Today I feel like shit. The good feelings usually stay until I go to bed and when I wake up again, I'm back to baseline (aka depression). Sometimes it's even worse the day after, like the experience drained me out. (I'm an introvert and while social activities are draining, they're not supposed to make me feel that bad, right?)
Why even bother having fun and good times when in the great picture it doesn't even seem to matter? How can I get better when I can't even truly enjoy not being bad?
P.S. While submitting I just saw [this](https://i.imgur.com/Z2wlvSN.jpg) and it made me laugh because basically that's all I've been doing for a long time now.
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self.depression
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I have no control, suicidal thoughts are back It doesn't sound so bad. I had a dream last night where the relief of suicide would take me away from the apathy of everything. It feels like I physiologically sense that it is a good thing.
I have no self control. I don't face reality, I spend 10 hours a day playing video games so I can hide from it. If I keep myself occupied, all my responsibilities will go away right? Just gotta distract myself. And if I do have the motivation to face it and do OK for a couple days? Well then I'll just sabotage myself and relapse. That way I can just play video games until I decide to die.
I can't afford therapy.
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self.depression
|
An endless game of catch-up Last semester in school, I became good friends with one girl I've had a couple of classes with before. At least once a week we'd have fun picking apart movies while figuring out homework. The thing that gets to me is that I've never had anything like this before. She's interested in being my friend? Why though? It's me!
I'm on the autism spectrum. Making friends was impossible for the first 20 years of my life. Any social skills I have, I learned over the past few years. I often wonder if finding love will ever happen for me. It sucks being in my late 20s, having no experience with girls, and being forced to lie to myself saying "it doesn't matter if you find the right person."
I accept that this girl likely won't be in my life forever because she's talking about moving to another part of the country with her mom. That's okay because I can use her as proof of "see, I can do this making friends thing!" It'd be nice if she would stick around, but life doesn't work like that.
My fight is with the past. I can't get those lost years back. I can't forget about the chances I've blown to make friends. I want to yell at 11 year old me for ignoring that kid at the library who just wanted to play those addicting Flash games with me on the computer a couple of different times because I was so trapped in my own world. As hard as it might have been for you to believe with kids mercilessly bullying you in your old school not that long ago, that kid wouldn't have minded hanging around you.
This game of catch-up and outrunning the past while figuring out what to do with the future is so fucking exhausting. It never ends. No wonder why I needed quiet in my apartment for a little bit tonight even though the Celtics were playing.
** I love how someone downvoted this. Maybe I shouldn't talk about this and delete this whole thing.
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self.depression
|
Being a musician is a job, and a grind. The average listener doesn’t owe you attention. There’s this band I keep up with on social media who had a few viral songs in the early YouTube days. They made one album and an EP, and disappeared for years. They reunited 4 years ago and have since put out an EP and 1 song. The one guy from the band goes on their twitter and rants about their fans at least a few times a week. He keeps saying none of their fans are sharing their music videos enough, and this is the reason why they aren’t popular anymore. I fucking hate people like this. You have a tiny but dedicated fanbase. You can’t make a living off of your music if people aren’t listening to it. Nobody will listen to it if you aren’t putting out shit on a consistent basis. The life of an artist is a grind until he or she gets recognition for their work. It’s unpleasant, I’m sure, but so is having any other job. Get over yourself.
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self.offmychest
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I have so much to do I am so busy this week. I usually do things last second, but I don't want to do that this time. Pray for me or wish me luck.
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self.depression
|
How do you handle embarrassment? Specifically, going back to the scene of public butt sweat Long buttsweat-induced vent coming up.
My main source of anxiety is embarrassment. I find it very, very hard to go back to places where I have brought unwanted attention onto myself.
I've attempted to go back to college this semester, but I've had about 3 major embarrassments so far. I'm coping pretty poorly and can't really make eye contact with anyone.
Today, I had a lab exam in my biology class. At the end, we had to use a designated microscope (and seat....) to identify some shit, one person at a time. Ok, not a huge deal, but I'd rather not have anyone waiting for me to hurry up, so I tried to make myself last. Well, people started excusing themselves to the bathroom in the middle of the test (????) and meanwhile my stomach started growling loudly and my professor was seated directly in front of me and I couldn't bullshit going over my answers to the rest of the exam any longer, so I took my turn at the microscope.
I was about to say fuck it, I can't find the cell I'm looking for. Ensue panic. Then I find it and the professor says I'm good to leave. I get up from the black, plastic chair. BOOM, chair full of butt sweat. And the group walks in, back from the bathroom. I get my shit and run my swamp ass out of there.
God dammit. Friday, this class meets for a review session for the final. Looks like I'll only be showing up for the final itself. The idea of seeing those people ever again just makes me sick. I can't stop repeating this over and over. It's so ridiculous. Oh god, I just remembered I have to take this professor next semester. Fuck, I wonder how often professors notice pools of butt sweat? In December? I want to throw up :(
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self.Anxiety
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My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me today and I think I can't go through this again since we already broke up once and those were the worst moths of my life. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just really don’t want to be alive anymore it’s that simple Not in the mood to be grammatically correct so excuse this clusterfuck of a post......I’m 21 years old , behind everybody in life, have no car no money, no skills/credentials I’ve become stupid and inept due to lack or participation in my own life , kicked out of the navy for having a lung condition depressive thoughts, and suicidal ideation, my girlfriend left me because I’m dead weight and just embarrassing to be with I don’t blame her, my friends want nothing to do with me because I’m boring/miserable to be around, I have what I think is debilitating health anxiety and feel like I’m dying everyday, my parents think I’m a pussy and wonder what’s wrong with me for both of my brothers turned out great and I’m the laughing stock. I’m unemployed and don’t know where to start with no car and not even any desire to do jack shit. Sorry for that rant, I’m not looking for sympathy or feeling bad for myself I just have no desire to do anything other than be dead. Everyday is a living hell and I can’t imagine that it’s just me who feels this way. It’s like everyone is riding into the sunset or like a child who has to stay inside during recess while everyone else plays outside. That’s the perfect analogy for my life. I’ve also become such a couch potatoe, I can’t even walk downstairs without feeling like I’m going to faint or getting Intense vertigo, or go outside without feeling super lightheaded and seeing an excessive amount of floaters in my vision. Like what the fuck I should at least have control of my faculties at 21 years old. Fuck I have notnijg else to say, anyone care to talk or empathize at least, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depressed on New Year's Eve I wish I could stay alone somewhere and cry my self to sleep. I wish i won't wake up.
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self.depression
|
Not sure if I really want to just fade out [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Have any of you dissociated for months on a row? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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The love of my life left me Hi i can't say much right now, as I'm freaking out, but my boyfriend left me. It was completely random and he blocked me on everything. There was no closure and I am so fucking confused. I kind of thought he was losing love but I had no idea it would come down to him leaving me without any warning. I am frozen and have no words. I have never loved somebody so much.. I honestly couldn't have asked for anyone better. I want to die but I'm afraid of the consequences. I want him back. I needed him. I'm heartbroken. I am never going to forget him.. Honestly at this point I don't know what to do with my life anymore, hence why death feels like my only option. I have absolutely no words and I miss him so fucking MUCH
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am lost I fail every time I attempt to put words to how I feel and what I think. Self loathing, paranoia, self consciousness, hatred for the society I live in, loneliness, etc. It feels like I'm being attacked from every direction but it is inside of my head for the most part. Sometimes I can distract myself but most times I just seclude myself and agonize myself. I want to escape my life and simply leave.
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self.depression
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I have lost all my zest for life. I'm a 27 year old female and I've been struggling with depression my whole life. I've also struggled with drug addiction (more recently, abusing benzodiazepines which I have been clean from since September).
My depression has been slowly trying to consume me and eat me whole. Everything that gave me satisfaction or joy in life doesn't do it for me anymore. I'm in love with my best friend who doesn't love me back. I am dragging my feet just to wake up in the morning, to start the daily mundane tasks of life. I want to gouge my eyeballs out from the boredom. I don't know where to go from here or what to do anymore. I feel like I don't belong in this world.
I don't know where or who to turn to or how to snap out of this. And yes, I see a therapist and am on medication.
Is anyone feeling the same way? It's even more of a bummer when it's the beginning of a new year. What will I be celebrating? Another year of being miserable every day of my life? I can't fucking do that anymore. Fuck no.
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self.depression
|
Opinions on social media / messaging apps? I deleted Snapchat today because I found I was making my fluctuations in my mood a little too obvious, normally I can get it under control in person but it's hard when you can reach anyone instantly
However, I'm worried this will just leave me more alone
Thoughts?
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self.depression
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Actually had a good birthday! I've been feeling really bad lately and it only seems to get worse. My birthday was on the 13th and I really wasn't looking forward to it at the time. I've been thinking about how people treated me that day. So many people said happy birthday and it felt really nice. The best part was when my best friends said it to me. One specifically went on about how happy they were that I was a part of their group and it made me feel so good. All my friends are amazing and I'm happy I met them, they really keep my horrible feelings away even if it's just a bit.
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self.depression
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trying a different approach, or something I walked around like a zombie today. In a fog. Couldn’t make any contact with anyone. Felt nothing. I’m tired of figuring out why, what this is. Is it CPTSD, depression, is it something completely random I’m overlooking? Maybe it’s just January, with its grey skies and lack of colour.
I always thought I could think my way out of it. Solve it. Get to the root of the problem, untangle it. That I would eventually scare it off with my relentless optimism. And I thought that I was weak for not being able to fight this alone.
But today I kinda gave up - and it felt like a relief. Not in a suicidal way. I just realised that I’ve tried fighting this feeling for a decade and I’ve never succeeded in making it disappear. It’s not something that listens to logic and reason. I dragged myself out of the house, and cried while walking, hated everything, felt empty. But I didn’t fight it. I just let myself feel horrible for once, completely gave into it.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is a very dangerous and stupid thing I’m doing. Maybe in a few days it’ll turn out that this is exactly what I needed and I’ll suddenly feel okay again. Maybe I’ll realise I don’t have a choice but to fight and fake my way through life.
But it’s something different, something else. And that’s enough for me right now, frankly.
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self.depression
|
Forgetting how happiness felt like I was once a happy person. I had hopes dreams ans ambitions. I felt connected to the world and I had something to lookforward to everyday.
But things fell apart slowly. Right now all I want is to stop feeling miserable and sad. I don't want to celebrate life, I don't want to laugh, sing or dance in happiness. All I want is to stop feeling miserable and doomed. Id prefer not waking up tomorrow. I don't want to go through another day with something constantly pointing out how lonely I am.
I dont want happiness. I just want to stop feeling miserable. I've felt this way for 4 years now? I just want it to stop!
How do I do this ?
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self.depression
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I need help. I need help. I keep going through my everyday routine just to get through the day.
I changed my schedule at work so I dont have to work around other people.
I love my job, its a great support network. But its getting harder to want to be there.
Aside from my daily routine, I break down, or I self medicate so I can sleep.
My coworkers and boss know to some extent. In waiting for my insurance to kick in to find a counselor. The thought of going back on antidepressants horrifies me.
Ive been hospitalized for suicide attempts in the past and have been over medicated. Ive done inpatient therapy for 6 weeks.
This all stemmed after a recent seizure on a work trip. I felt an upswing in symptoms previously, and knew one was coming. But this was the worst one ive had. I do not have grand mals, but I did lose consciousness several times during this episode. Normally I get depressed after, but it hasnt lasted this long or been this severe.
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self.depression
|
date next week Normally it wouldnt be a big deal for me. But before Christmas break one of my friends told me her friend had seen me around campus and wanted to get to know me better. I had a flight to catch the next day so I said "sure hmu when I'm back and we can see" without even asking for the girls picture. So she sent me a pic of her friend and my oh my is she something out of this world. She has done cover shoots for some mags, lives in the nicest part of town. Drives really flamboyant cars. And is a bombshell on top of that. My friend says even after all this she is a really down to earth person so that is just the icing on the cake for me. I have been on plenty of dates with innumerable women before but this is the first time I actually feel butterflies. I'll go so far as to say I haven't felt like this for a girl, ever. It is so weird for me. We've been texting since a couple of days since we both are busy with holidays but have plans to meet up as soon as school resumes. I feel we already have a connection and she has said the same to her friend (as her friend told me)
I already have a really special day planned including visits to the beach and mountains in the same day and I hope all goes well :)
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self.offmychest
|
I feel so empty, i just want to die After years and years of abuse and lonliness i escape it to find love and they all hurt me instead and eventually leave me entirely alone. Its always my fault, they go because i tell them about the sexual assault or they go because i tell them about the MPD or they go because im trans people just always leave me and im alone and dying and all i want is to kill myself so i dont have to feel this pain anymore and i dont have any reason left to stay.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Difficulty working Does anyone else find that their anxiety goes out of control when working a regular 40h week?
I'm happy and functional when I work 15h. I can manage 20h at this point. But as soon as I do 25-30 hours I start loosing my self care habits and spiraling out of control. My anxiety peaks and I feel exhausted at the end of the day.
I'll have crying fit, self hating thoughts and panics.
Right now I work 20h with a few hours of preparation on top of it each week. The problem is that on my own, I wouldn't be able to support myself. I feel like a leech stuck to my boyfriend. Sucking his ressources away.
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self.Anxiety
|
Well my sister died and I lost my virginity It was just awful. She died a week ago and ever since then i havent been the same. I just felt like ruining my life. I was a good kid who studied and didnt kiss until at least 3 dates. But now i gave my virginity away to my friend who i dont even like. Im a horrible person. I didnt even love him and now im just a used up piece of kleenex. My whole life i wanted it to be special. But now its not. Well i will get over this but i just felt really sad and wanted to get it off my chest.
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self.offmychest
|
Quitting medication and sluggishness After tapering off of medication and going through some withdrawal symptoms I think I have a new problem; sluggishness. I have very little energy for anything and I'm wondering if this is normal. I'd ask a professional, but I don't have insurance anymore sooooo.... has anyone else experienced this when coming off of medication completely? Otherwise my moods feel pretty stable. Not depressed or anything, just tired and slow
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self.bipolar
|
DAE have a constant feeling of forgetting? I always feel like I'm forgetting something, or like I'm supposed to do something. It's the same feeling of not doing an assignment you were supposed to do, or forgetting an important object when going out, except nothing's actually going on.
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self.Anxiety
|
That's all folks. I've made my mind up few months ago, been preparing for this moment for a very, very long time - it's not like a bad decision made in a rush - I'm not a desperate person who is looking for some attention.
The true fact of the matter is that, I've been reading about suicide behaviours and came across this site - been lurking reddit from time to time, but didn't really got interested in it.
Why am I posting this here? Well, mainly because it will make me calm a little bit - it's 4PM in my country and I booked hotel for night - few hours of loneliness - nothing to do really.
I've been dealing with depression for so many years, I'm currently 26 years old - got plenty of money and my own apartment for myself - basically I could carry on for at least 1 year od carefree lifestyle - **but choose not to**. Why?
Well, I'm fed up with vegetative state of my life - I've realized that I haven't fulfilled myself, didn't have money to start college education altought I got myself in top university in IT - I have lame job, low salary, noone is really appreciating my person - no doubt, I'm ordinary guy - and I always thought that education will put me higher/above my peers - sadly, didn't have a shot to prove myself - plainly, I have much time to turn this around - but I choose not to.
I'm not going to fool myself, I know how serious depression can be and that I ain't going to make up the most precious time I've lost once I've hit 20 years old - the best part of my life is gone.
I don't stay in contact with my family - I don't care, so do they - I've abandonded my personal life - I've abandonded everything, I no longer have a desire to fulfill myself -
I don't any goals in my life, motivation, some kind of mojo. Perhaps this state would change but I doubt that this will stay for more than a few months - once you come to realization that you are what you are - you have to stuck with it - simple as that.
Didn't even put much of the fight once I realized my fate is decided - I know that I won't be happy with harms that have been done to me, **with things that I regret** and mostly with unfulfilled wishes that were possible to achieve, but in the end they were not accomplished.
It's like having a really awful start to sprint, you won't make up the lost time in the short distance - you'll never win the race - and you have to stick with it. I fucked up the most important part of my life and had to come to realization.
I was always really competetive man, always had this kind of mentality of being better than everybody else - whether at school (grade A student) or in other areas of life - but once I concluded that I'll never going to make up the lost time - and I'm not going to stick with lowering my expectations, been trying to do that for the past several years - it's just not working.
Plain and simple, I have obtained a poison (not going to elaborate on this one, since I assume most of people reading this subreddit are suicidal or may attempt to off themselves) - I bought it as a chemical reagent - it's quite easy to get it, at least in my country - been reading lots of studies - I have a good shot of being succesfull.
So tick tock, I'm going to spend my last hours on listening to some good music and I hope I won't forget to take some pills to make me chill.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do I not feel guilty for having anxiety? I'm trying to better myself but I'm scared of my impact on the people around me. This spirals into feelings of guilt which exacerbate my anxiety and delay my recovery/progress. How do I show myself compassion while accepting my condition may always be problematic for the people in my life?
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self.Anxiety
|
Scared of being gay, even though I'm not. To start off, I know I'm not gay. I'm straight and love women, and have always felt safe and comfortable around them. And I have nothing against other people being gay either. But recently I started developing a phobia if I somehow was gay and didn't realize it. Like how Mr.Garrison in South Park was totally in denial about himself, or how in Grace & Frankie their husbands were in the closet for 20 years. The thought of being attracted to men, let alone being together with one. Terrifies me, because I don't like men, & I love women and I don't want to lose how I feel about them. And I don't want to start developing any feelings toward any man, that scares me the most. Because in general they make me feel pretty uncomfortable. Having them as platonic friends is fine by me. But any closer then that just feels weird, wrong and I don't like it and it just scares me. And I don't see how I could like one, but I can stop over analyzing every feeling I get, And I'm losing tons of sleep over it. I just want to be straight and love women. And not worry about anymore of this stuff. It feels wrong and I don't feel safe of comfortable thinking about it. But I feel so scared about it. I just want to feel safe from all of that.
|
self.Anxiety
|
my bosses "help" got me fired from the best job ive ever had... :( During the hurricane that came through south florida back in september, I offered to stay at my office with my daughter. I WAS the CTO and it was my responsibility to keep our websites up. Thinking that the comptroller did his fucking job and had the engine properly maintained in our generator was mistake 1. Power goes out. Long story short I diagnosed the engine correctly and tweaked a cutoff threshold to keep us up until the generator company came. Unfortunately the comptroller didnt talk to me at alll I did explain to the warehouse manager but he misunderstood and said the engine was at 183!!! psi in the oil pan. WTF?! it cant even hold that much! so after 2 hard grueling days of effort this guy tells the generator company that number instead of READING THE FUCKING DISPLAY. They tell him to shut it down. We go down and now the generator wont restart. I cursed him and the warehouse guy out and began walking toward my desk to get my things. BAM! warehouse manager sneak attacks from behind. wtf?!?
I call the cops and as i am showing footage, the CEO tells the comptroller to have me trespassed from the property. He then comess to my house and sets me up with a hotspot a few days later. Says ill be able to keep working but only from home.
A few months go by and the company falls into disarray. They blame me for everything I'm not there to defend myself over, and even a giuy I thought I could trust threw me under the bus saying no work ws done. I showed my boss a screen cap of me asking this guy if hed been doing as i ordered and he said he was..
I dont know why everyone has it out for me save they are probably vying for my position and salaray. The owner offered to loan me money for a vehicle. I told him I didnt want it. he insists and I take it.
My new motorcycle blew up at 35 mph and i suspect sabotage for good reason... A piston literally shot through the engine wall.
Top it off with this custody case im in. The ceo was kind enough to manage my income for me at request. The loan came in with the understanding id repay over 2 or 3 years.
Come to find out they apply my entire bonus to the loan without discussing deviation from small over time payments. 1st clue im being fired.
i talk about projects and try getting my footing back since id been remote for months after my boss asked me to come back under pretense that im going back into my same position. I get there and no one will take an order from me. Share the current situation reports etc.
I confront my boss and say i ineed to withdraw 450 for chanukah and my kids strep throat He told me when i need money ask. Well now im fired. He flipped out because i unknowingly ran my uber bill up to 2k but no one in accounting ever said shit.
I dont know what to do... im going to be evicted. unable to get my meds... or pay child support..
that mas help was a fast track to unemployment with a second stop at the local jail... I wish Id never told him I'm afflicted with bp or adhid... now they think im incapable....
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self.bipolar
|
Managing bipolar without medication. Hi.
I feel like there is consensus that bipolar diagnosis should be treated with medication.
I myself got diagnosed bipolar, because of a full blown manic episode that got me hospitalized for 2,5 months. And then I got forcefed medication (even with syringes), and kept in a psych ward against my will.
This made me even more skeptical to medications, because it was kind of traumatizing to have to take medication. And I got a lot of them, that they made me feel really "far away". When I finally got out, I stopped taking them (I said I was going take them so they let me out). It took me maybe about 4-6 months before I was kind of normal again.
I have always been really skeptical to medications, and I have always declined medications I have got offered. This is because of side-effects and long-term negative effects. And a stubborness I have of wanting to be able to function without, even if it is unrational, and only egoistic thinking from my part.
So after my 2014 full blown manic episode, I recovered quite good. Had some intrusive thoughts that was a bit disturbing, but otherwise no negatives. Was working different jobs, and by early 2016 my life was really good. Things were on point in life, with many friends and a really blessed life in many ways.
Then after new years eve this year, I went full blown manic again. Maybe as crazy as last time, but since I knew about how you could be locked into psych wards and stuff, I controlled it a bit better. Still fckd up quite some shit in my life (these are now finally fixed! and I have only a few really big regrets on fcking up in relationships with a few people, even if they say it is all OK). I ofcourse ended up in psych ward, but the first time I got out after only 3 days, because I "acted" quite good. And I did not get forced with medication which was good (only took sleeping medication). Then I went in 12 days a month after coming out, and again only took sleeping medication. They think I took some anti-psychotic when going home for a night or two, but I hid it in my mouth. So overall quite positive to not be force fed medication. Looking back at it, I ofcourse should not have gone out after the first 3 days, but I ofcourse did not see I was sick.
This summer, I actually was considering to start with some medication. But, stubborness got me, and I did not want to do so.
Now, I am back again to my normal self. I have fixed up in everything I fckd up, and life is normal and good. No anxiety and no depression. And no mania either.
No I don't feel like taking medication, because I am stabile and good.
If I go manic, I am open to take medication and be hospitalized. But I don't want to take medications in my everyday life.
Other people here refusing to start with medication?
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self.bipolar
|
I'm starting on Lithium soon- any warnings/glad tidings? Hey all,
I've recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after 4 long years of suspecting that I had it. My psychiatrist has agreed to put me on Lithium, and I'm due to start on that very soon. From what I've read online, I'm getting some very mixed signals about what to expect, particularly in relation to the mental/ cognitive effects that it might have. Is it the case that I'll just have to wait and see? Or are there some very common effects that are inevitable- I'm thinking along the lines of brain fog, slower thinking process, forgetfullness? I've also heard the opposite is true, that is can actually bring about clarity in thought and reasoning.
I'm pretty concerned about this. I'm quite an intelligent young woman, I have a great future ahead of me (providing I can control these debilitating mood swings) and I am therefore concerned that Lithium will turn me into a vegetable.
What are your experiences? Thanks very much in advance.
Ps- please do not refer to physical side effects, I am well aware of them.
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self.bipolar
|
I am scared of how bad my suicidalness and depression has gone. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Could beta blockers help with my tachycardia I think that stems from anxiety? So I'm usually always tense and on edge, antsy and waiting for bad crap to happen. My problem has been my heart racing and chest tightening and hurting, while I feel as though I'm not getting enough air. Usual panic attack stuff, however my pulse soars to 168bpm and has gotten higher before. My resting pulse (like right now is 125bpm and fluctuating up and lowest 115bpm. It's causing me physical pain and I feel like my heart is going to just burst one day (figuratively of course). I also do have a diagnosed heart murmmer but the Drs at the hospital never put me on anything. Should I be worried about these symptoms? Am I worried over nothing? It feels terrible and constantly feeling my heart beat rapidly pulsating the vein in my neck and left wrist to the point it's noticeably distressing and scared the shit out of me. But the anxiety sometimes keeps me from asking because I feel crazy and worry they will just dismiss me. This constant pounding in my chest has to ease up I'm losing it here :( I also get dizzy spells quite often, have staight up passed out for a few min before with no idea how I am now laying on the floor, it fucking sucks my ears start ringing blocking out other noises, voices of people next to me then my eyes quickly blur and i usually have to be grabbed and held up until my vision and hearing go back to normal. longest 'out of it' moment like that was 5min, but one time I passed out in my hallway walking to the bathroom. I woke up to my great Danes hovering over me and licking my face. I was home alone and don't know exactly how long I was out but I think maybe 3min of blackout so not to long but still scaring me to no end. Any advice on beta blockers or something else that may reduce heart rate if someone's gone through this? (Also for reference I'm only in my early 20s, diagnosed bipolar and have had ptsd for a long time now, but more recently this racing heart has just been getting worse daily)
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self.Anxiety
|
It's all meaningless nothing really matter in the grand scope in ten years no one will care or even remember me but right now and pretty much everyday id just pain for me why should i keep punishing myself just to stop like 2 or 3 people at most from feeling bad for a coupllle weeks? im a fucking 43 year old trans woman whos poor as shit it cant get much worse than that ans my wife just left me for anothr man on new years day every choice i have ever made has been wrong and this probably wont be any different but at least it wont hurt anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Mother with depression. Father with unhealthy exercise addiction. Dysfunctional family. My mum's been struggling with depression ever since she had my brother, but she's been able to cope with it despite my dad's stubbornness. Last year, my dad started marathon running, and has been addicted ever since. This May, he had a heart attack while running with his friends, and my mum was traumatized when she saw his state. The doctors don't even know the cause of the heart attack.
My dad stopped running, but started again a month ago. However, my mum is extremely against it because another heart attack would likely be the death of him. I can't really get my dad to stop running, because we can all tell he is heavily addicted. All his friends were shocked that the first thing he said when he woke up was "I'm sad that I might not be able to run again" instead of "Thank God I'm still alive". Because of this running thing, my parent's have had way too many arguments, until two weeks ago. Now they barely talk to each other, and my mother's depression is getting worse.
Therapy and pills don't work for her, so she's going to back to China for a few months because she's happier there. My mum's had depression for a long time, but this whole running problem is constantly irritating her and triggering her depression. I'm just wondering what I can do as their child. How can I help my mum's depression? Am I able to reason with my dad even though he's practically incapable of taking criticism? Should I just wait until my mum comes back from China to see if her mental state improves? Please help, it's saddening for me to see my family slowly fall apart when it was filled with so much happiness just a few years ago.
Excuse the sloppy writing, it's late and I have a report due tomorrow.
Thanks.
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self.depression
|
Flu anxiety (health anxiety) So I was just reading about this flu season and apparently it's really bad this year. Multiple deaths, two young and healthy people have died, and it's really active. Obviously, as someone with health anxiety, that scares the crap out of me. What's worse after today I have two long travel days ahead of me. So how do I calm down? This is one of those very frightening instances where the threat is more real than it usually is.
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self.Anxiety
|
School Shootings Here's the thing, folks.
If you haven't been in school a while, we do this thing called ALICE (alert, lockdown, inform, counter, evacuate) training. Basically, instead of teaching kids that gun violence shouldn't be this big of a problem and guns should be better regulated in terms of automatic or semi-automatic firearms, they teach kids how, *in case the worst thing happens*, you should protect yourself. How it's common, and how if *this* happens here, here's what you do.
They have it planned to a T. Ridiculously planned. To the point where teachers know what to do when they need to get kids out of the school- to the point where they know how to barricade doors. Not to the point where they know how to discourage kids and parents from leaving firearms in open spaces, unlocked/loaded. How to healthily deal with harrassment and bullying (believe me, there is a way).
My father owns several guns, none of which are automatic. All of them are locked in a fireproof safe that only he knows the combination to, and they're also locked inside of their cases with keys that are also locked in the safe and hidden in assorted places so that, even if one of us managed to get into the safe, the most dangerous thing we could come into contact with is some valuable jewelry and our birth certificates. *Why is that not the standard?*
TLDR: Teachers explain to children how to avoid shooters instead of regulating gun laws and make no moves to contact parents about concealing and locking firearms away from kids.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like everyone can tell i'm not like them I've got generalized anxiety and I'm pretty awful at conversation and making connections because worry gets in the way. I analyze everything I said and did for a day, then I always conclude that it went awful. I decided last year that I would seriously work on it while I'm young before it becomes a problem. (I'm 19)
So I thought I had been making decent acquaintances at work the last month or two, but now I'm seriously doubting that I've made any progress at all. I overhead two of the guys I've been talking to joking with each other and the conversation was so seamless. it just seemed like they meshed so well.
My conversations with them were forced and I didn't say anything good. It ended so awkwardly and they left as quick as possible.
It's the same online. Every time I join a discord server I like, everyone is already in their little groups and I either just sit there being irrelevant or I say something wrong and embarrass myself.
It's so bad that every time I see people being friendly and stuff, It throws my anxiety into overdrive and I start thinking about how I'll never have basic friendships, let alone a real relationship. It's like people just get this vibe from me that tells them "hey that guy is awkward, you should probably just avoid him". My brain is telling me that every time someone talks to me, they just want it to be over. They want to get back to their real friends and not waste their time on me.
Sorry if this isn't what this sub is for, but I'm just panicking about this right now and I needed to tell someone.
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self.Anxiety
|
Back at it again and the days are so long I'm back in a depressive episode. One of my telltale signs... crying sporadically at work everyday. One tiny trigger and I'm trying to keep tears from falling and making sure no one is watching me fall apart. I love my job- it keeps me feeling normal and functioning- but when my thoughts wander, I fall into a pit of self-loathing and it's hard to get back into focus on work. The days feel excruciatingly long and I find myself sleeping all the time just so I don't have to be awake.
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self.bipolar
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I'm worthless Next friday I'll get the results of this trimester on high school and they are gonna be horrible. I might fail 7 subjects out of 10 and I feel so stupid. My parents will get furious, shove in my face that I'm the worst son and they will take away from me everything that helps me cope with everyday life.
A few months ago I thought I was a decent person in terms of intelligence but now I'm one of the worst of the class and I just feel horrible. I spent 50 hours studying for a physics test and I got a 0. Then others study for 5 hours and get an 8/10? Why am I so stupid? Am I just condemned to be the clown of the class who is stupid and says "funny" jokes?
I'm tired of being who I am and I'm tired of people assuming that I'm happy because I am always smiling. I'm tired of trying to find someone that loves me only to have my heart torn apart and feel like I wanna die. I'm tired of living because I'm worth nothing.
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self.depression
|
Feel guilty that my anxiety affects those I care about I'm hoping I can get some good advice for how to deal with this. I feel guilty that during a particularly bad episode I'm either easily irritable, negative or miserable to be around and I'm worried that I just make other people's lives worse off from it.
I have a boyfriend of 7 years and a very close friend who both help me greatly but I feel guilty going to them when I need them because I'm worried it just impacts negatively on their day. They have both said this isn't the case and they encourage me to reach out but my brain won't listen to them and I'm anxious I'm going to push them away by being anxious.
Has anyone else ever experienced this guilt and do you have any ways of getting around it/learning to trust people?
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self.Anxiety
|
Diagnosed On Saturday I am new to this sub. I have had anxiety/depression for at least 16 years. I’m 22F, have always had issues with panic. I went to a psychiatrist because my last one couldn’t even help me (embarrassing) and he diagnosed me with bipolar within 20 minutes of talking to me. It was an hour and a half appointment, an initial assesment. I’m on Effexor XR (37.5 mg in the morning) and I’ve been on that for four months now? I have been on many medications in my life and this one is by far the one that’s helped since I had to stop Paxil due to being on it for so long, kinda just burnt out. Oh, and he also put me on oxcarbazepine (300 mg before bed) on top of my Effexor, has anyone else been on this combo? Or just oxcarbazepine in general? How do you like it? I’m nervous to take it, of course!
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self.bipolar
|
Today, I have accepted the fact I want to commit suicide, and one day likely will. This will be long. I don't know if many of you will read through this, I would like to hope some people will.
Ever since I was in sixth grade, I have been somebody who is mentally off. I would ponder about religion, about how I couldn't understand where the "god" I was told to believe in came from, about how I didn't believe that "god" existed, about how I yearned to know what would happen to people after death.
In seventh grade, my life gained some stability. I had one steady friend I would socialize with at school. For whatever reason, to other kids I felt like I was an odd one out, and was often treated as such. However, this was one of the few instances in my life where I can recall a stable household life. The one kid I found friendship with at the time received a multi-month suspension from school. I underwent a deep depression, likely because I had no friends. I felt alone. Everyday before school, I would beg to be homeschooled, kick and cry like a toddler, and think about how my deepest desire was my death. Eventually this passed, however the overall depressed feeling didn't.
In eighth grade, I had an alright year. I feel like eighth grade is when I had my final period where I was truly blissfully happy at times despite my depression. In April of my eighth grade year, my family and I took a vacation together to visit my brother. I would say this is my last happy memory.
In early ninth grade, my mother disappeared for a extended period of time, and ever since then, I can't say she has been my mother. The most helpful things she has done for me since that time was pick me up from school or buy me fast food after school, when I would often feel empty. She became a raging alcoholic. She was no longer somebody I could have laughs with, confide in, or relate to. She was always belligerently drunk and incoherent after my ninth grade year. I remember this year, I entered a depression much similar to my seventh grade year.
My father and I have always had a very complicated relationship. I unquestionably love this man to death and he is the most important individual in my life. Throughout my middle school and high school years, I did have tendencies to act like a spoiled child, because despite my unhappy home life, I did have a tendency to always get the material things I desired. However people have validated that I do not appear to be as spoiled, or behave as spoiled, as my father often accused me of. Throughout high school, My Dad would often emotionally harass me. I do not feel as though he realized it. There were times when I was at my emotional lows, and he would bother to do nothing in terms of emotional support but drag me down further through insults and harassment, and there were times I felt alright, and he would come home and ruin it.
Despite my emotional struggles throughout high school, my Father never failed to be there for me, in a financial sense.
In high school, I spent most of my evenings and weekends pathetically lonely. I had three close friends, maybe four, however I didn't truly relate to these people, and at times when reflecting I feel like the main reason I may have decided to spend time around some of these individuals was my lack of options in my social life. Towards the end of my high school career, I held a solid GPA of around a 3.6 and performed well on the SAT. My Father and I began discussing college. I realized that I wanted to go away to a large university that was a reasonable distance away. I wanted to be at a university where I didn't feel like everyone knew everyone, like they do in high school. I wanted to be at a university that put me in a completely new location, where I wouldn't have to deal with the lurking empty memories and emotions I associated with my hometown and high school.
And as I stated before, my father, when it comes to things I ask for, rarely fails. I found myself getting accepted into a relatively good school that was out of state but not ridiculously expensive.
One thing that always bothered me in high school was my lack of social life, sex life, and the fact I had never had a girl friend. In the beginning of my freshman year of college, I quickly entered my first relationship. It was really fun at first, and should have been a fling, but lasted way too long, resulted in me not developing a lot of friendships in the beginning of college, and ultimately left me feeling awful. I did learn a lot from this experience. After that relationship, I did go on to make several good friends at my university I feel that I truly relate to.
I would like to say, that currently, I am a engineering major. I major in both mining and civil engineering, and am on a rigid five year path to receive dual degrees. Exiting high school I realized I have no idea what I wanted to do as an adult in terms of a career, so I decided to study engineering as I knew it was something that often resulted in solid salaries with high employment rates. Due to starting off slightly behind the average engineer, I was a semester behind. I realized I had excellent grades at the end of my freshman year, no internship, no true friends back home, and not much to return home to, so I decided to go to school during the summer. While I successfully put myself ontrack with other engineers during the summer, I reached one of my low points of my life. I found myself alone, for extended periods of time, with nothing to do but sit myself down and study complex science and mathematics. This was the first time in my life I felt truly suicidal. I was able to pull through, getting B's in every course I took in the summer, heading in to my second fall semester with a overall gpa of a 3.68.
This semester, I was slated to take 18 credit hours however I decided to only take fifteen. I am currently enrolled in a engineering course called statics. There are four sections of statics taught this semester where I attend university, and by chance I ended up getting one of the worst professors at the university for statics. Firstly, I will say that after being in school, busting my ass, for a consecutive year, my effort has taken a dip, however this dip has not been significant. Due to my professor, and the toll in my effort, I am now borderline between a D and C in statics, more likely to get a D than I am a C. This may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me.
I feel obligated to due well and excel in school as my father pays for my education. This semester I have been careless with his money and spent a good bit more then I should have. However I have been upfront with him about my lapse of effort, my spending habits, my feeling of being worn out after so many consecutive semesters of difficult material in school. He is very understanding of my struggles and tells me all he wants is to see me relax, to see me be happy and enjoy my youth and find myself and take things slow. But his words don't prevent me from feeling like a failure.
If I am to fail statics, this means I will either have to become a six year student to receive to undergraduate degrees, neither of which really interest me, especially the mining degree, which brings me a ton of financial aid. It is difficult for me to change majors, as my tuition would go up drastically and I could potentially loose scholarships. Switching schools is also extremely difficult, as few schools would give me the same financial package that this school gives me. If I were to return home, I would get a decent amount of money in scholarships, but I would return to a place full of bad memories where I have little friends. The alternate to a sixth year as an undergraduate is to go to school another summer, and given the location of my school, it is relatively remote here in the summers. I simply do not think I have another summer semester of school in me. I also strive for internships, so I can make myself a valuable employee, despite the fact I know I likely will not find myself enjoying them.
Even if my current worry is not statics, it would be something else. I constantly am a unhappy, suicidal person. I have had counselors on and off since I was in sixth grade. I have taken antidepressants. I have expanded my social life. I have tried a lot to improve my social life.
I do not want to be a student, studying two undergraduate degrees, one of which I really simply don't give a fuck about, for six years. I don't want to spend another summer, in the middle of no where, studying every god damn fucking day. I do not want to return home, where I have empty sad memories. I do not want to pursue internships, in a field where I find myself with zero interest.
I understand that there are kids starving in Africa. I understand there are kids with awful childhoods much worse then mind where there are both emotional and financial struggles. I understand I am much more well off and spoiled then some other kids.
However I simply feel very little happiness. I've done the things you are supposed to do. Go to counseling, branch out, exercise, try anti depressants. I don't see purpose in my life. I constantly feel over whelming depression, anger, anxiety, and difficulty moving forward. I constantly see myself as someone who isn't enough. I constantly have visions of myself tieing a noose, jumping off a bridge, loading a gun and saying my goodbye to the world. I just truly don't want to deal with any of it anymore. I don't want to go home. I don't want to be a student anymore. I don't want to complain anymore. I don't want to study anymore. I don't want to wake up anymore. I know life is hard, I know life gets much harder then getting a D in college. Maybe life just isn't for me, maybe I am just not built for life. I don't have an abundance of friends, I've never really had a true girl friend. If I had a handgun, I would load it with a sense of euphoria and end my life in this moment. I feel like I simply wasn't mean't to be, wasn't cut out for life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This is the first time I will have ever told anyone this I am over 40 years old and have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life.
I’m married to a beautiful woman, have a young son I love very much and make a good salary for what I do. I own a house, we have 2 cars and never have to worry about paying the bills. And still these things bring me only fleeting joy and for the most part I feel miserable and worthless at all times.
I have avoided looking at mirrors / my reflection my entire life despite being a fairly ordinary looking guy. I have not gone to a doctor in at least 15 years. I vacillate between being worried about my health and secretly hoping I have a fatal illness. I have persistent thoughts of suicide and several days per week spend some time looking at photos of suicides and being half scared / half thinking “Could I do that?”
I look forward to absolutely nothing in my life. It all just feels like a miserable slog toward death. If it were not for my son I would leave my marriage, probably move somewhere desolate and spend the rest of my days doing some menial job and enjoying nature and solitude. Either that or I would kill myself. Instead I feel trapped in this life I never planned or wanted and fairly sure that I will feel this way forever.
I have never told another person this. My wife is aware of my depression but probably not this extent of it. I have no reason to feel this way, no bad life event, didn’t grow up in a bad atmosphere etc. I do have a pretty lengthy history of mental illness in my family and I am sure this is related. I exercise often and that has helped manage my moods. I quit smoking a year ago and this all instantly became far worse and it hadn’t gone away a year later.
I don’t realky need advice but I did want to get this out in writing. I will likely delete it at some point and then carry on as I was.
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self.depression
|
I NEED help with my anxiety and depression I need help with my depression. I love God and he is the love of my life. I can't live without Him. He is my only hope. He's all I live for. Recently, some people fucked around with my faith. I am a freshman in college. I also was raised catholic, but I feel some guilt leaving the catholic church. This past summer some catholic charismatic people said prophecy and shit that made me anxious, scrupulous, and depressed. Also a little before that, I had extreme anxiety because I worried that God will throw me in hell for drinking alcohol or using birth control after I get married. This made me anxious and depressed. But I know that God is not like that. He loves me! I won't go to hell for that shit. I need to find a church that loves me and that cares for me. I feel that I need more community and friend support. God saved my life in the past. He got me outta depression when I was 15, and I used to run 10 miles a day! I NEED hope in him to keep going in life. I'm flunking outta college, and smoking cigarettes for my anxiety aint good no mo'. Help! I need just someone that will care for me and be by my side! And I need to have hope in Jesus or love or something to continue. I considered becoming atheist, but I feel lonely doing so because I don't have a loving God with me. If only I could have a loving God with me through this shitty time, I can maybe make it. I have OCD and I feel like there's a good God and a bad god. The Good God loves me and cares for me, while the bad god sends me to hell and gives me anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes I feel like killing myself due to how bad this is, but I don't wanna do that. I wanna have hope, and marry a cute wife and have kids and a TON of fun later in life.
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self.Anxiety
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My relationship is crumbling and I can't handle it [deleted]
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self.depression
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Suicide is the only way I'm too fucking angry. I'm too fucking incompetent. I'm too fucking lazy. I feel no joy. I feel no passion. I have no interests. I fucking hate everything and everyone. There is no joy. I fucking hate every facet of my being. I fucking hate every facet of this pointless fucking planet Earth. There is nothing because I am nothing. I will never be something because I am too weak to make something of myself, because I'm too broken and calloused. I fucking hate the success of others. It just reminds me how much of a fucking failure I am and how it's all my fucking fault. I don't want to serve a master. I don't want to help others. I don't want to fight for my country. I just want to be dead and go to a better place. I don't give a shit where. Just somewhere better. Somewhere better than this fucking life because my outlook will never fucking change. I will never fucking change. I will never be better. I am an utterly useless, skill-less, jobless, non-educated, emotionally blunted, demotivated, full-of-hate fucking loser and that is all I ever will be because I'm too weak to accept change. Too weak to look someone in the eyes and concede that I am this weak, disappointing shell of a person that needs help. Fuck help. Help is for the weak. I'm not allowed to be proud of myself if I ask for help. I cannot live with the shame of who I let myself become. The only way to escape reality is death. Only God can know my flaws, even if they are blatant in the eyes of any given person. I am too weak to step down. Too weak to concede that I am broken to another. I can't fucking live with that. I can't fucking live with myself knowing that I am who I am. I cannot fucking live with knowing that I was ever this misreable failure of a person, morally and in every other way imaginable. I cannot get better and look back at who I used to be. There's too much shame. Too much anger. Too much hate. I would have to kill myself. I cannot bear to be successful, and have to face my friends and family telling me what I great job I've done, how much better I've become, because I cannot fucking face that fact that I was ever this bad to begin with. It's a feeling akin to having killed someone and then being rehabilitated to re-enter society, except instead of another person it was myself I killed. I killed myself in a psychological involuntary manslaughter and I CANNOT face the consequences. I don't want any help. I already told you why I can't accept it. But I have no where else to say this. I want someone to know how fucking fucked up I am. I don't want them to know me. Because you can't fucking tell people you know about how you feel. It shatters their perception of you forever. You go from somebody with some problems to someone who's fucking broken in their eyes. When you get better, you become that guy who used to be broken, but look how far he's come! FUCK that. I do not want that to be my reality. I wouldn't be fucking surprised if my buddy who's in rehab just up and fucking left the state when he gets out, never to talk to any of us again because I know how it feels to be broken and the fucking shame that comes with having to live with shitty life decisions. I deserve death and I deserve it to be fucking painful. I don't want to face anything or anyone. I want to run. I wanted to run until the problems stop existing. I created them. I can't make them go away.
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self.SuicideWatch
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fuck this and fuck everything in this stupid world [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't feel like I have even a hypothetical chance to improve my existence Hello, people!
I am now at a point of life where I am completely stuck.
I am 23, currently doing my master studies.
Apparently, my life looks decent from the outside. But in reality, it is hell. I am at a point where I do not identify myself with being a person anymore. I just feel like I am nothing, just a rotting body with no feelings and perspectives that things will improve even in theory.
I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was 16. Tried to get help from several medical institutions, psychologists, pills, etc. But it only gets worse with time. In last 2 years it has been a living hell. I cannot deal with it any longer. On top of that, I am also bipolar. Which does not help when I try to control myself. I basically cannot.
I do not care how I look. I do not want to be pretty and thin. I just want to be productive and useful, because it makes me feel good.
The problem is that I only can focus on studying and living life in general when I can restrict. But I cannot anymore as now my eating disorder took the form of BED (before it was anorexia, then ednos, then anorexia again, the couple of bulimic months when I inhaled a spoon and now BED for a couple years). I am not thin anymore. I do not care for that. But I feel worthless when I am constantly thinking about stuffing myself and doing that. This makes me unproductive. I sincerely try to care about my studies and am pretty good at forcing myself to do it. But in reality, it will not go well. It got worse in last 2 moths. Before that, even with constant internal struggle, I was passionate about learning stuff. But now it became a chore. Everything became a chore. Even washing my hair and basic hygiene. I don't go out. My friends do not understand me because I cannot formulate what I feel accurately. Even now as I am typing, I realize that it all sound basic and cheesy, like "put yourself together, woman, children in Africa are starving and you only care about your stupid problem you invented". But believe me, it is impossible to live like that, when you don't identify yourself not only with being a young woman but even with being a person. I constantly feel like I am somekind of a cartoon character which is pleasant to be around (I am nice to people and ready to help them if they ask and have good sense of humor) but not really a person with a full life. I have goals, I want to have a good carreer and be able to support my parents, but the necessity for that is to be able to control my eating habits. I never wished and feel stupid that such a basic thing controls my life. But in reality it does, I just have to accept it and minimize the suffering while trying to function. I just do not how to get back in control. Tried everything, it just does not work. I got out of patience and tried to commit suicide 2 times over the last 3 weeks. Magically, it did not work '(the car stopped and I just got scratches and bruises on my head and arms and the second time I just passed out for 1.5 days after taking an overdose of pills and woke up in a bunch of vomit, sorry for details). So yes. Don't know what now
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self.SuicideWatch
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I sometimes ask these questions. What’s the point in living? Is it just a distraction from death? Once we die, that’s it. We’re all alone after that. Whats the point in working so hard at life u know? How come I can’t have friends and have a normal teenage life like everyone else at school? Why do i have to resort to asking these questions at 15 yrs old? Is it because I’m lonely and have nothing else to do? Who am I? What is my purpose?
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self.depression
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Suffering in silence is praised by our society It's a pathological meme that is having very real consequences across the world. People are dying becuase of this unspoken rule that suffering in silence is admirable. It is not.
I was watching a show where the presenter literally said 'She seems to be in pain but it keeping silent about it, I admire that'
I think the reason is quite simple, people are afraid of anything that questions their own reality or positive state of mind. As if inner pain were some sort of virus that they could be infected by.
Just wanted to share some thoughts
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self.depression
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Overwhelming thoughts. I get so depressed thinking about how I'm unemployed, don't really have any friends, never had someone to love deeply and all my time goes to watching my sisters kids. I want to find a job that pays well so when I'm in my 40's a decade from now I'll be happy. I talk to my Mom about wanting more out of life than just watching my sisters kids a lot and getting paid only 75 dollars a week and she calls me selfish... I really don't think wanting to better myself makes me selfish. Every day just seems so dreary, not sure I'll ever find happiness.
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self.depression
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3 months on Buspirone, started at 5mg twice daily and now at 15mg twice daily with little to no effects Hello, my Dr started me on 5mg Buspar a few months ago and said we can go all the way to 30mg twice a day, we’ll after 3 months I’m at 15mg twice a day and I can’t say I feel any better than I did before I took it. I’m guessing he’s going to want to keep jumping it but I’m not sure if it will matter, if 15mg doesn’t work how will 20,25 or 30 make a substantial impact. Maybe this med isn’t for me or doesn’t work. Has anyone had any experience in situations like this? TIA
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self.Anxiety
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I've been studying engineering for 4 years now and I'm barely halfway through my courses. I hate this place. I hate myself. I just want to stop existing. Firstly: yes, this is all my fault. I blame no one but myself for my problems. When I complain about professors and the system, I still fully recognize that thousands of other people have dealt with these circumstances successfully and that I'm not a victim.
I just got out of an advising meeting where I found out that the one class I'm going to fail this semester is a prerequisite for almost everything after it. I don't know where to go from here. I've always made slow progress, but this is a new low.
I'm just not smart enough for this. I don't know how people do it. The professor that teaches the hardest, most core classes jokes constantly about his classes being so hard that it makes people a few people switch majors every semester. When I come to him with questions, he says things like "everyone is struggling with this and doing fine, just keep at it unless you wanna drop out." None of the tutors on campus even remember these classes well enough to help.
My GPA is shot to hell. I have yet to find a firm that is willing to even consider someone with as bad an academic record as I have for an internship. So there goes the "engineering is worth it in the end, you'll make tons of money" angle.
My parents spend $300/month for me to be here and I pay for the rest with jobs and loans. They've loved and supported me for 22 years and I can't even make it through college to thank them. I don't deserve them and they don't deserve to be stuck with me.
All I see in my future is minimum wage jobs, begging for internships, instability, and debt. I suck up resources and give nothing back. I'm a drain on my family and the world. Let someone with a brain take my place and actually make something of it.
I'm not even sad or angry anymore. When you break a glass, you don't mourn it, you just toss it and move on. I tried, I blew it, and now I'm ready for it to all be over.
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self.offmychest
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My life has taken some unexpected turns TL;DR Stuck with cheating fiance, just want to experience life and be happy, crushing hard on a friend, dont know how to get out of this situation.
I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years. We've been engaged for a year and a half. He has cheated on me a few times and dumbass me kept giving him chance after chance for the typical reasons, i.e. "I love him", "he will change for me", "every relationship has obstacles". The most recent incident was in January. On my birthday. I found out he was talking to this girl he knew from high school, on snapchat, again. This is the 3rd time that I know of. The other 2 times, I found her nudes in his phone. But because this time, it was on snapchat and he didnt seem to save any screenshots, I cant prove he was doing anything "wrong". In the months that have followed, I've progressively had a really negative attitude about our relationship. To the point that I'll admit, I'm sometimes just mean because I dont want him around, dont want him to touch me, etc. He has been much nicer, but is still a jerk at times, especially in front of our friends. Some of them have made comments to be about how he treats me. He constantly plays video games and actively ignores me when I ask for help with house or yard work. It's very frustrating and has caused many fights.
We recently bought a house together and we have animals together. No kids, thank god. I dont currently work because I'm trying to get through college, so he supports the household along with our roommate. We have no car either. It's gotten to the point that I'm just waiting for him to cheat again so I have an excuse to leave. I actively hope for it.
On the other hand, I do care about him as a person. He made a comment to me during a fight that if I left him, he would just kill himself because I'm the "best thing that ever happened to him and he would have nothing else to live for". That's really unfair to me. I think. But on the other hand, I wouldn't be able to cope if he did follow through. I've asked my roommate to take him out and get him laid if we ever do breakup. I hope that if he rebounds quickly, he will be more inclined to get over it and not kill himself.
To top it all off, we have a friend who I find very attractive. We can call him Dan. We get along super well, have similar interests, and such. Dan is always very nice to me and will talk to me for hours when he comes over to hang out, even after my fiance goes to bed. We talk and share links for music, reddit, etc. daily. He is really great. My roommate made a comment that he thinks Dan might have a crush on me. This never really occurred to me because, though I'm average looking, I've put on about about 60lbs in the last 3 years and am just kinda disgusted with myself. I'm 5'5" and 180lbs. I have a hard time motivating myself to do pretty much anything because of my depression.
I think the reason this is weighing on me so much is because I want to be happy but I just feel stuck. I dont want to be the "bad guy". If I leave my fiance without good reason, I lose all our mutual friends (which is all my friends), my house, my animals, and I'll be out on my own with no car, no job, and nowhere to go. What if Dan does like me? I don't believe in cheating and I wouldn't cheat on my fiance, but I do really like him. If my fiance and I do breakup, I would like to be single for a while so I can experience all the stuff I missed in high school. I want to experiment and such. I'm just very confused and lost and hoped someone on here has had a similar thing happen to them and could give me advice.
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self.depression
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I'm so stupid for falling for her... I knew it the moment I first saw her; I quietly acknowledged her beauty and I told myself to not even bother. There were many dozens of guys where we worked who were taller, more attractive and making at least 8-10x the amount I was making and I immediately convinced myself to stay away to protect myself from the potential of getting hurt. I was able to do this for a long time. My plan was working. Every now and then our paths crossed; just a friendly hug... why not? It felt very natural and right without really without really knowing each other. Perhaps we were drawn to each other's smiles. At one point I learned she was a single mother. It was just what I needed to hear to remind me to stay away. Dating a single mother was against one of my rules, not because I think any less of them, but because I barely have the confidence to convince myself I could take care of a girl let alone her AND her children from a previous relationship. I stayed away by telling myself she will find someone and that would make the temptation easier for me to resist, to avoid her and get her out of my head. It was only a matter of time... all the guys at work wanted her, all the girls wanted to be friends with her, it was her hotness, her friendliness, her magnetic charm. Months went by until one day she surprised me with a hug from behind. She asked about me, wanted to hang out and if you saw her you would've had to have been a complete idiot to say no. I thought to myself, "Maybe your rule is stupid. Maybe she really is interested in you. Maybe she just wants someone to talk to. And you know exactly what it's like not having anyone to talk to." I decided to let my guard down, I opened my heart and she made herself at home shining radiance, beauty and light into my prison, a decade of anger, sadness, solitude, confusion and darkness. Her endearing smile, her rowdy laugh, her boisterous voice were like an electric current shocking my soul to life, willing me to live and to be happy. And when she kissed me, it was like being mauled with nothing but love and affection by a pack of french bulldog pups. I couldn't get enough of it. She claimed me; she told me I was her baby now and I told her she was mine. The conversation in my head was different this time. It was no longer about avoiding her beauty and being cynical, it was about making sure I dedicate the rest of my life to making this girl smile, being there for her, easing her own burden and caring for her like no one else has or ever will. To make a long story short, in the end, the universe punished me. I was attacked, beaten, robbed, incarcerated, awful people created lies and rumors to assassinate my character and integrity; I lost my job and credibility, unable to provide for her, she saw how far I fell and she couldn't be the same person to me when I fell in love with her. I fought like hell to get back to see her to no avail. Now I'm alone again thinking there's no end, there's no bottom to the darkness of my life until I follow through with my desire to end it all. The only person I know who must be feeling as shitty as me if not worse is Melissa Meeks, but hey, you fuck with the bull, you get the horns, right?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone? Does anyone else get thoughts like, “I can’t wait to die.” But they won’t actually do anything to speed up the process??
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self.depression
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My aunt died 2 days ago . I am really sad. I got a phone call from my mother telling me that my aunt died after her body just completely shut down after 7 years of living on dialysis due to kidney failure.
She was practically like a second mother to me. My mom rebelled from my conservative grandmother for awhile, ran off with dad,married young and had me at 19. When I was a toddler ,my parents would leave me in her care while my mom was finishing up her studies and my dad was at work. She took care of me like I was her own baby. She never married and lived with my grandparents all her life. Even after my mom finished her studies but decided taking care of the family was her true calling, I have already established a bond with her that I would visit her every Saturday morning when I was a child. She would make me and my brother treats, take us to the mall and discretely give us extra spending cash that my parents never did and warning us not to tell our parents or they'll confiscate the money(Our parents didn't want us to grow up spoiled so they refrained from frequently giving gifts and money. They only did in special occasions). We moved to Canada when I was 13 and that was the last time I physically saw her( I am 21). I still skyped with her and grandma during special occasions like Christmas,my birthday,their birthday etc. But I became busy with University lately and I have not talked to her for 5 months. I just received the terrible news last Sunday and I cried. She tried to stay strong. I noticed her deteriorating health last time I talked to her but her body couldn't take it anymore. I am really sad. I will never see her again and I wasn't there for her to say her final goodbye and I won't be in her funeral or burial due to my schoolwork and my lack of financial resources to make the trip to see her one last time.
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self.offmychest
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How do you guys survive mornings? Mornings are so mentally exhausting for me, for so many reasons.
Does anyone have tips or ways to cope with total and complete exhaustion? I’m tired of just hiding from everybody and crying.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm just so fucking sick and tired of it all I am constantly getting suspended from school.
People are constantly insulting me on the Internet.
I bully people because of my own insecurities.
I get in fights with my parents every day.
I self harm.
I think about killing myself everyday.
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self.depression
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I don't like to drink, so stop telling me I should drink more often [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Lonely Little Boy I am a child of fortune, the son of a doctor and a registered nurse. I have been given everything you could want in life. I was loved as a child - my parents divorced, there was some strife, but nothing so damaging to ruin a childhood. But I cannot remember being happy for very long.
In college I have been on paper a success - good grades, favorable impressions on my professors, a reasonable number of extracurriculars. I in fact have a recurrent drinking and drug problem that has been interfering with my schooling since second year and often fail to accomplish half the reading for a particular course, coasting through on low standards and good essays.
I am in my final year of college, writing a college [thesis] on child sexual abuse. The first day I began researching the topic, I was somewhat upset by the content; now the topic means almost nothing to me. I do not feel human reading this material, instead like some sort of lizard crawling over and through a corpse looking for useful scraps.
Everything I read about these horrible people seems increasingly to me like something I could become. I have absolutely no desire to molest children or rape adults or anything of that sort, but I am paralyzed by this idea that I could hurt someone. I feel like my every move is a mistake, slowly taking me down a path to irreparable damage to other people's lives that I can only solve by ending my own or making radical changes (e.g., telling everyone I know of the possibility that I could hurt someone, stopping all drink and drug use, isolating myself from society) that I have no desire to make.
I cannot honestly say I feel like a burden on others, or that I've been neglected or treated wrong or anything else. I feel I have gotten everything a person can expect. Yet I feel numb. I hate myself; everything I do seems fake. I look at the world and it is as though I am constantly kept from touching the surface. Nothing matters to me.
I have tried cutting myself and cutting off contact with friends, but eventually the pain gets to me and I return. Yet the understanding that something important was lost - hence the return - does not stay. I type this now, as though I am aware, but I am not aware, I still feel so horribly distant from everything I have ever done, every person I have ever been, and every friend I have ever known.
Every word I say I recognize as a lie and desire to retract. Therapy is thus like cutting my stomach, again and again, only to be told that the guts inside me were someone else's, and to try again, cutting deeper this time, as the viscera begins piling up in front of me, eventually obscuring the sight of the therapist, a mass of gore.
This metaphor is labored, which is exactly how I think, in tired cliches, the panting, halting breath of a sick dog. It all comes so slowly to me. I have trouble staying awake through a full day.
So many live with so little. I hope there is rebirth, somehow, so I can join them. No matter how much I give away, it can not erase that I have given society none of my effort and that I have no talent to offer.
The fact that almost no sentence in this brief does not predicate on "I" is confirmation of my own narcissism. Reading this, you may think I have no friends or family, but I do - they just mean so little to me I neglect to mention them. Their efforts to keep me alive cannot even receive notice in this lament.
I feel like a spoiled child, crying for pudding, as a steak sizzles in front of them. I want to be hung as an example. I dream of maggots eating me and awake both scared and satisfied.
What the hell is wrong with me? Am I alone?
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self.SuicideWatch
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My psychiatrist upped my lamictal to 200mg. Lamictal helped tremendously on my old dosage. Now I feel out of control. Very hyper. Racing thoughts. Should I ask to be lowered to 100mg? Or should I ride it out?
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self.bipolar
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All I Can Think Of Is Suicide I’ve been suicidal for about 2 weeks now. Not sure if I’m misusing the term but I’ve at least had suicidal thoughts every day for the past 2 weeks. I don’t think my life will get better since it’d take a miracle. There’s no point in me wasting anyone else’s time on earth anymore, plus I’ve recently lost faith in humanity due to many reasons.
I’m going to need to raise/save money so I can leave the cost of my funeral. I’m not sure how much that is, but at the end of that amount, I can finally kill myself and be free from my never ending pain. I doubt anyone truly cares for me, and even if they do they will move on. The world won’t stop just because of me. I think a funeral is $7000 to $10000 so I’m not sure how I’ll get that much but that’s my plan.
I’m too poor and I refuse to ask my family for therapy again. They always forget, so they clearly don’t care. No one else cares about my depression or pain because they go through worse things. It may be true, so even more reason to kill myself, so that I won’t have another selfish thought.
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self.SuicideWatch
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The one last thing I have is a false sense of pride and it's dying every day. [deleted]
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self.depression
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i want to end it, but im scared of what happens next [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Am I the only one who finds solace in suicidal thoughts? Why is it that I feel this relief when I think of taking my life? Is it because it is the only thing in my life I feel I have complete control over?
It probably does has something to do with control, and knowing that the pain will definitely be over, I guess the mountain of stressors suddenly all seem to fade away once you find a clear answer to all of them at once. I suppose the only trouble with giving into this comfort is it distracts and takes you away from the effort of finding actual solutions...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Genuinely tired of trying to be happy I honestly don’t even know where to begin. I look at my life, and it’s not terrible. It had its ups and it’s downs, but it could’ve been worse. I’ve got a job that I love, I love with 3 amazing roommates, and I have even been seeing someone! But now matter what I do, no matter how happy I seem in public, as soon as I’m alone I’m brought back to the reality that I am not happy. I have no idea what to do. I feel like everything I do has to be perfect, and even the slightest mistakes drive me insane. I’ve just been so judgements of myself. I feel like no one cares about me, not that they even know how I feel. I don’t want to be a burden on the people in my life. I do t want to be a bother. That’s all I feel like, all the time. I’ve had thoughts of ending it crop up recently, seemingly out of the blue. I struggled with heavy depression going through high school, but I seemed to overcome it on me own at the time. Maybe it’s just repressed feelings? I don’t know. It just doesnt feel worth it anymore. Anyways, I know this post is all over the place but thanks for listening.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Heart cramp before panic attack Hello everyone, a few months ago I started getting panic attacks and the scarriest thing seems to be the chest pain, especially one at the beggining that seems the strongest, I have checked myself at the doctors and am physically fine. I'm writing here to ask what kind of chest pain do you feel before/during panic attacks? Mine usually feels like the heart contracts really hard or either that someone is pinching it with a needle or something
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self.Anxiety
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My ex girlfriend doesn't want me back. Feeling very depressed [deleted]
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self.depression
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Light headiness and dizziness For the past few days I've been getting short bursts of dizziness (they last from 1-3 seconds) but today It has gotten a lot worse. Right now I'm getting the bursts like every 2 minutes. I don't know why this is happening and I'm scared. What's wrong? I've had anxiety (emetophobic) for 6 years.
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self.Anxiety
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Advice on Sleeping with Anxiety? I know, I should take her to dinner first (bah-dum-tiss!). But in all seriousness, I find my anxiety worst at night and it's very hard, rather, almost impossible to fall asleep naturally. So I've been using gravol for the past few weeks.
I have racing thoughts at night and usually bad dreams. I might have undiagnosed PTSD (definitely not sure yet) but I am going through trauma from abuse from my mother whom I thankfully am not living with or around. So despite journaling, deep breathing and watching fun movies, I'm still a wreck of a nervous Nancy before bed.
My question is, what helps you guys sleep when your brain is wild with fearful, sometimes angry thoughts? I personally don't want to rely on gravol forever. I've tried melatonin but it unfortunately doesn't help at all.
TL;DR: What do you suggest to help a very anxious person sleep instead of gravol?
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self.Anxiety
|
How to remove the mark of neck that is done by hanging? I tried to hand myself few days ago and I still have the mark on my neck so how can I remove that mark?
I wanna remove the mark so badly and try hanging again to end my life.
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self.depression
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I hoped New Year's Eve would change something, but it' still the same [deleted]
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self.depression
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Depression and grief I am a 28 yr old M, who has been diagnosed with treatment resistant MDD from the age of 16.
Recently, I was attempting to get into a ketamine study in a NYC hospital and was asked a number of questions about my background. One item which came up that I have not thought about in a while was the specifics of my uncles suicide when I was around 13.
My uncle was a 28 yr old gay M, developed HIV and killed himself. Though this is not what I was initially told. It took around 10 years with every year or so getting a new piece of information. Initially I was told he had cancer and died. Then I was told he had cancer and my grandparents "pulled the plug". Then I was told he was gay, had cancer, and my grandparents "pulled the plug". Then I was told he was gay, had HIV, and my grandparents "pulled the plug". Then, finally, I was told he was gay, had HIV and killed himself.
I think I secretly had an understanding of how he had killed himself even when I was a kid and was not told due to subtle hints that kids will typically pick up on. Even if I did not, I always had the feeling that something was wrong and that my parents were not truthful.
After discussing his death for two hours for the study, I realized that the depression I have been feeling for over 12 years is so similar to the feeling I get when I think of my uncle. Intense grief. I delved into the feeling more and have not been able to stop crying for the past few days about my uncle.
Does this make sense from a psychological stand point to be greiving for this long? I know there is no time limit on emotions but does it make sense for my depression to be as a result of shoving down his death and holding onto it for all this time? I would love to hear some thoughts and opinions.
I dont know exactly what I am looking for by posting this but I have really been struggling with the emotions I have been having and would appreciate some guidance and if not, some affirmation.
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self.depression
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I am going to write a book about my life. I feel motivated to write my book during my hypomanic state which I am in right now. It is about my experiences and life since I was diagnosed. I was diagnosed in august at 18 years old. Is anyone else thinking about writing a book about their experiences?
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety Diluting Fond Memories I would always tell people that I loved my college days (graduated a couple years ago) and that I met some of my best friends there. But, lately, as I've become more aware of just how much my untreated anxiety has impacted my behavior I can only seem to focus on the bad moments. I've realized that many of the friends I made weren't as close as i thought they were. I vividly remember all the moments in which I was antagonistic, awkward, or creepy (and there were a lot) and I'm having a hard time bringing back all the positive feelings I associated with college a month ago. Right now, I can't help but think I wasted my college experience by not treating my anxiety earlier which ultimately ruined what could have been very positive relationships.
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone realize how depressing it feels when people say Norway is the "greatest" country? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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"We can't afford to have you be depressed now" I do a fairly good job of masking how I actually feel, I think. But sometimes I fall for the oldest trick in the book. Someone in my family will ask me how I'm doing. "No, really. Are you okay?" They know I'm depressed and want to act as someone I can vent to.
"Sure," I think, "they're asking. Maybe it'll help to get some of this off my chest." It always ends the same way. I get told how we can't afford for me to be "in a rut" now. That to do that now would be selfish. This isn't how (insert dead relative) would want me to act.
Why even ask if that's what you're going to tell me every god damn time? Why do I fall for that fake sympathy bullshit? That's...that's the kind of thing that makes me realize I have no one to talk to. There's a reason I keep it all to myself. I'm tired of being guilt tripped for my depression.
At least I can come on here and vent a little.
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self.depression
|
Goddamn it I saw my rapist today At my place of work. It's been three years since the assault and this was the first time I'd seen him. He made eye contact with me and smiled like he knew who I was, like he remembered me. I gave him my best dead eyes. He was in the store for so long that I was up to a full fledged panic attack and had to sneak out of the store, told one of my supervisors what was up and just left...walked home dizzy, wishing I could have spit on his shoes or cussed him out and told him to leave. Puked as soon as I walked in the door to my apartment. People really fuck people up and I'm mad? He just gets to carry on like he's not a piece of fucking human trash. I get to be slightly damaged at his expense, for the rest of my life. Thanks for nothing you pathetic waste of space. Cheers! Hope the kid in your life enjoys the presents you picked up tonight.
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self.offmychest
|
I have had a desire to kill myself for about a year, I think of ways to end it, and have almost acted on it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Totally Random Question Do you ever see a positive aspect of being bipolar? Because I do, but I feel that's also super weird to do so.
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self.bipolar
|
Why can't I stop hurting people? I'm fucking useless. This is going to be a long post.
I can't stop hurting people. Every time I try to date someone, either they have to leave because of my problems or I end up pushing them away.
Firstly, many of my relationships have ended after they witness my first breakdown (whether its 2 days or 2 months in). I get it. No one want to be with someone who all of the sudden is curled into a ball and can't breathe. Or someone who has fresh scabs across their thighs every morning. It hurts me because it makes them feel bad because they're a part of my life, yet I still harm myself and struggle with suicide. It hurts them because there is no way for them to help.
The second way I hurt people is pushing them away. When dating someone for any amount of time, or even with good friends, I tend to push them away the closer we get. In a close friendship, this means losing contact for days at a time after a breakdown. For relationships, it's having to leave them because I cannot handle my own life, let alone someone else's.
I don't know what to do and I don't see a solution. I just want to disappear from everyone's lives.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone here made it through graduate school? I'm currently in my first year of college and doing well, but not without some bumps in the road. I missed about 40% of my classes last semester but thanks to that manic work ethic I somehow caught up and ended with a 4.0
For years I feel like my life has been one long loop of 2-4 weeks depression followed by 1-2 weeks mania. I started therapy about 6 months ago and finally got medication about 3 months ago. Both have helped amazingly and I have gotten myself into a routine for the first time in years. Meaning I have become a functional person and I'm actually happy just working and taking care of my business. I'm going to school to be a dental hygienist which I know I would enjoy, but I'm very passionate about psychology. A bachelors is worthless and I want to practice CBT which would require a masters. I have the mental ability, I am just terrified of myself. As much as I want to believe I am going to stay how I am now forever, I know that is not true.
If anyone here he gone through medical/graduate school I would really appreciate hearing your story and what helped you get through.
Edit:
I've was working all morning but thank you all so much for the responses! I'm amazed at how successful you all have been and it's so reassuring, I really feel like I can do this if I do what I need to do
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self.bipolar
|
Feel like I've wasted my life Before you ask, I'm 33. I'm morbidly obese, female, pretty shitty job, no friends, haven't been in a relationship in 10 years. Have bad social anxiety and depression, I'm so quiet I feel like I have no personality or anything to talk about with anyone. No hobbies and I struggle to find interest in anything aside from sleeping. I feel like I've royally fucked up my life and even if I lose all the weight I need to my body will be messed up forever and no guy will want to be with me. I'll probably never have kids (maybe for the best?). My 28 year old sister is perfect and is getting married this summer- I know my parents favor her and I can't blame them. It doesn't seem like it's worth living anymore, I wake up every day feeling like shit about myself and for wasting my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I cannot live with who i am and who I have become It is really going to be a struggle to write this as I have never confided this deeply into anybody. I have tried talking to therapists but it is hard opening up to them when so much my life is so shameful.
Right now I feel as though am at the crossroads. I cannot logically see why I should continue living on and I come in hopes that you can convince me otherwise.
I am going to summarize my life to help you get an understanding of how I got to this point. Let me start at the beginning:
-My parents were both immigrants from an African country who came to United States in the 80's. They gave birth to my two older sisters before my mother went to Canada to pursue a degree while my father worked in the US. I was born in Canada immediately after my mother got there, and was raised there with my two older sisters. I never actually met my father in person until we moved back to the United States with him when I was 6. Because of this, I never had developed that crucial bond with him at a young age. We never went fishing together, threw a ball in the yard, or did any other of those father-son bonding activities that build a relationship. So to me, he has always felt much more like a step-father than my actual father.
-Growing up, my father was a dictator in the house. Our relationship was cold. There was no "I love you's" or "I'm proud of you's" ever. We would never speak unless there was an imminent purpose to do so. I would get physically beaten to a pulp for getting mediocre scores in elementary school. As I little kid, i had nobody my age to play with, and since both of my siblings are older sisters, I would spend a lot of time playing video games alone. Eventually,my father got fed up with me getting C's in school and took away everything from me. He took my phone, ability to leave the house, my computer access, my television privileges, and would break any game system he found in a temper tantrum-ed rage. He physically moved himself into my room and would basically monitor me as I stared blankly at my textbook for about 6 hours until it was time to go to sleep. From 6th grade to 7th grade I would come home from school, go to my room, and lie on the floor with my father laying on my bed as I would do math problems over and over or rewrite a sentence a thousand times to improve my terrible handwriting. Imagine being grounded for two years straight. This level of strangle on my life led me to become deceitful and dishonest, as i would have to lie to my parents CONSTANTLY to have any semblance of fun. The consequences of getting caught would get progressively worse and worse..... beating after beating I took until i began to fear being in my father's presence.
-Now, fast forward to my sophomore year in high school. I was becoming visibly depressed so my mother forced me to go see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADD and suggested i start taking medications for it. However, my father was strongly opposed to taking stimulants as he claimed the side effects were not worth it and that I just needed to try harder in school.
-Later that sophomore year, I made the first major mistake of my life. I had a friend at the time, and we would sneak out of our houses at night after my father went to sleep, meet up and go sneak into our old middle school to play video games together. We would steal candy from teacher's desks, have rolling chair races around the hallways, and play basketball in the gym. This went on for about a month until one day, like an idiot, I wrote Nigg*r on a picture of MLK as a joke/troll to stir up some controversy. They ended up checking the cameras so we got caught and I had to go to an alternative school for the rest of my sophomore year.
-It was at this point I found out that my father had given up on me. He called me to his bedroom where I found him, my mother, and my sisters exchanging in a heated argument. It was at that very moment, he told me directly to my face that I was no longer his son and that we were to never speak again. He told my mother that he was done with me and that I was her problem now.
That put me on verge of committing suicide but my mother convinced me that I could prove my father wrong, make something of myself, and that the future would get better now that my abusive father was out of my life. Looking back, I really wish I had gone through with it as I have caused nothing but grief and stress for my mother since that moment. Had I done it, my mother would have surely gotten over it by now, would be retired, and would be back in her native country like she tells me she wants to do when she retires. Instead, the next two years of high school were spent massively gaining weight (went up to 300LB), being isolated at my room playing video games with online friends, while still awkwardly and tensely sharing the house with my father.
-I managed to get into a Mid-Tier level college about two hours away from where I lived. Me and my roommate (who was this rich snobby white kid that I randomly got paired up with) didn't get along (admittedly I was a slob) and he ended up ratting me out to the police for having weed in our room. I got suspended for a semester, but I ended up being able to return the next year (however i lost now the ability to receive federal financial aid because of my marijuana charge). I got into a fraternity (which looking back was more due to them looking for a black guy than for my personality). I was starting to lose weight (went down to 230LB). Things were looking better. This may have been peak of my life.
-Or so I thought..... After I joined a fraternity, i thought it would help me become more social-able, but in reality, it just made me more aware of just how much of a loser I really was. All my fraternity brothers were swimming in females and despite this, I wasn't getting any. Not even close. In fact, I became a laughing joke amongst my brothers after i got "walked in" on while I was losing my virginity to the ugliest (hideous face but a decent body) and most desperate girl in the Quad using my embarrassingly small penis. I went to our formal alone because I couldn't get a date..... I was becoming more and more depressed..... and desperate.... and weird.
-It was at this point I made the biggest mistake of my life. I went into the girls bathroom in my dorm and recorded a girl coming out of the shower. It was an impulse decision and you don't know how much I look back and wish I had just rubbed one out instead. Long story short, she saw my phone from underneath the shower stall, freaked out and called the cops on me. I denied the whole thing and came up with a story of how that I was late to an exam, needed to take a shower but all the mens bathroom stall were occupied, and that my phone was just sitting on the floor next to my clothes. I deleted the video and after they conducted a half-ass search on my phone, they found nothing. It turned into a "he said/she said" in which the university found me innocent, but the justice system found me guilty. To this day I still have to deny this, to protect my mother and family from the shame that it holds. This is what has been killing me the most inside. At the time, my mother and sisters acted as though they believed me and fully supported me, but I deep down inside i know that they had their doubts. I ended up spending a month in jail, and to be honest, i did not mind jail. It was nice having some people to talk to and being able to play cards all day.
-If this girl I am referring to happens to read this and is able to deduce that this story is about her, words cannot do justice for amount of remorse I have for what I did. I am forever sorry for the pain I must have cause you. I don't know what ended up happening to this girl, but I would assume she probably had to change universities and more than likely no longer has trust in society/men anymore. I'm sorry, I truly am. However, i know you will never forgive me, and frankly, I haven't forgiven myself for that either.
-If there ever was a moment in my life I truly wish I could have rewritten, that would have been it. But I cannot, and those actions will always reflect who i am (or was at the time) for the rest of my life. Forever, I will have to live with the fear that any new person/friend might google my name, see my mugshot of my arrest, and instantly will want to disconnect me from their life (and rightfully so).
-Back to the story: The next year, ended up I went back to the same mid-tier college, since they did not find me guilty. This time I was staying in an apartment off campus that my mother was paying for while I went to school. Again, I became depressed due to the isolation, stopped going to classes, and ended up failing all of my classes that semester. How could I do this to my mother? What the fuck is wrong with me.
-After a year off from school, I went to a psychiatrist and was able to attain an adderall prescription. I have been going to community college for 3 semesters now and I have made nothing but straight A's.
I know community college is way easier, but the adderall has really made a difference and has allowed me to actually focus and get my schoolwork done. But I'm afraid its a little too late now......
-Even if i get through college now, it is more than likely I wont be able to get a job anyway because of my criminal record now. My only chance is as an entrepreneur, but I barely even have had the work ethic to make it through college, let alone start my own business. I can take over my mother's transportation business, but that is risky because if the board of education realizes she is no longer running it and condone a background check on me, I will lose the business.
-Now what kills me the most is that I have been slowly have been watching my mother work herself to death to get me through college. She is 62 years old now and is still working almost 8 hours a day as well as doing most of the chores around the house that is now just me and her. Both of my older sisters have both moved out and having are having successful careers.
-I had already decided that if i didn't have my life in order by the time my mother has passed away i would kill myself. I refuse to live off my sisters and continue to be a burden on their existence. I cannot look myself in the mirror anymore, as what I have become completely disgusts me.
Last night, I got into an argument with my mom over something insignificant. My mother told me that I am becoming just like my father and that I resemble him much more than I resemble her. The sad part that I cant just live with anymore...... is that she is completely right. I am becoming the very person I hate most........ I just want her to move on from the mistake that I was....
So any reason why I shouldn't just kill myself? I'm tired of this and my future isn't going to get brighter with this criminal record under my belt. I am a creep, a loser, and I have been nothing but a burden my whole life. Nobody would cry if i died apart apart my mother and sisters, and I think that the stress it would relieve, would far out way any temporary emotional grief my suicide would cause.
im about to turn 25 years old, 300 pounds, living off of my mom, with still no plan or future in sight.
I know this is very long but if you made it to the end, please any thoughts would help. I dont see any real answer but suicide here.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Do I need a reason to be depressed? I tried to explain to my parents that you don't need a reason because it's a mental disorder so I get depressed no matter how happy I am or can be. It's still there and it lingers. But they seem to think that there must be something bad happening in my life to warrant having depression. They think that my life is good, that I'm very privileged and that I have nothing to worry about, so there's no reason to be depressed. I can't seem to get through to them that it's not my choice to feel this way. That it's a mental disorder but they just seem to want to stick with the 'privileged' excuse. Do I really need a reason? Are they right about how I can't have depression because I'm privileged?
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self.depression
|
I’m only at peace when I’m alone and when my eyes are closed. When my eyes are open, that’s when reality sinks in, and I’m really uncomfortable around people :c
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self.depression
|
Thinking the world is all wrong? (tw: self-harm) Everything feels wrong or off. I don't trust what's going on. People seem strange. The nighttime feels like it's evil. I have weird thoughts that include self-harm. I want to slice down my legs in a perfect straight line, and down my wrists. Racing thoughts. I can barely sleep at night. I get fitful, dream/nightmare-filled sleep, then I wake up and things are back to feeling wrong again.
I've been watching horror movies/shows. Maybe that's what's doing it? But do "normal" people get like this? I'm going to try to read something funny.
Anyone here get this? Anyone know what this is/could be? I'm feeling like it's a mixed state, but I never know, because my pdoc and therapist never fucking share any labels with me. I didn't even know they thought I was Bipolar I until last month. I thought I was type II for years.
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self.bipolar
|
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