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Depression, Anger, and Self Harm - How do I manage my frustration? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't think I can ever be okay and it scares me
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self.depression
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Heart Racing Again So just over two weeks ago I ended up in A&E as my heart was racing and wouldn’t settle so I got given Bisprononol to take and been taking them since then. This morning I came downstairs and sat down and felt my heart twitch then started racing to 170bpm it has come down and not as high and I don’t usually take my beta blocker till 12pm daily. Should it being doing this on the beta blocker or has it worn off by now and can having an upset stomach and loose stools cause my heart to do this, I was so scared how quickly it shot up to 170bpm just sat doing nothing I nearly called an ambulance again but resisted as they can’t do much and just send me home and waiting to see a cardiologist as everything comes back normal such as bloods and ECGs. I’m all over the place now and just wanna cry after it has happened and has to go to work and dunno how I am gonna keep myself together.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like every road leads to suicide for me I'm 27M.
I was a moron. I went to college and got a degree in a useless subject and I've only earned a mountain of debt from it. I had that wake up call conservatives talk about where I realized that none of my interests will ever lead to a paycheck because they are useless in the business world. I decided not to go to grad school and just worked in gas stations and offices.
I've spent a lot of time trying the self improvement thing and even anti depressants. I always find myself alone and hating every moment I'm at work. I've been fired once and quit two other jobs in the past year with no notice. I'm subject to being addicted to things like books and video games to escape from reality.
I don't know if there's a lack of people I can relate to on this earth or if I'm just autistic or have something else wrong with me. I can imagine the sort of people I'd want to hang out with and they don't really exist anywhere I've looked. I settle for what I can get and find people who I find grating in some way, who never want to leave me alone. I'm an asshole, and I should just kill myself. I feel like it's something that's bound to happen, because I can't take even five more years of this life, much less 50.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why would someone - knowing how bad my depression is - send me poetry? So, being an idiot and not thinking of the potential consequences of such, I have an account at "sarahah" (where people can leave anonymous messages for you). Originally I got it for a gaming community I help run so people could send anonymous complaints or concerns that I could look into as part of keeping people safe and happy.
For some reason, I used my own online moniker for it instead of a group-related one that my fellow officers could also check, telegraphing that I was likely the only one who could see it. Knowing that, someone just sent me a rather intricate piece of romantic poetry...and I have no idea what to do about it.
I am a broken person...one of the "lucky" ones with treatment-resistant depression (with a nice side helping of anxiety, and apparently also ptsd after being a little too close to a shooting at the college I was attending about a decade ago...I hate that I keep reliving that day even though I wasn't even shot at...but that's a wholly separate post...). I've been trying different kinds of therapy and medication for over 15 years, and still nothing ever gets better. I've gotten a few lucky breaks with college scholarships and a few jobs here and there, but invariably lost them (including something that was kind of my dream job) because I couldn't take it... I was homeless for almost two years until I (barely) qualified for government help, and now try to survive with barely $200 to last me a month after bills. The only two things I'm consistently good at are running gaming events for people, and being there for friends when they need me...even though the whole time I can't stop thinking about how useless and hopeless I am, and sometimes even daydreaming about being in a situation where I have to throw myself between someone I care about and harm, just so I can "go out with dignity", and not be remembered for being the failure that I am.
This poem was sent anonymously, but the language and word choices make me realize that this is likely someone from my gaming community, and almost definitely also someone who I've opened up to in the past about my depression.
Why? Why would anyone see even a hint at what goes on underneath the surface of my life and send something like this to me? If it was teasing, or out of pity, I'd almost understand...but I don't think it's either...and I have no idea what to do about it. Do I post something cryptic on my Facebook and tweak the settings so only the people I think who sent it can see it to try and "flush them out"? Do I just make a post telling the person who sent it to me that it's okay to talk to me non-anonymously - that I won't be disapproving or anything to them?
Even in the throes of the pit I cannot escape, I am sometimes able to detach the logical part of my brain enough to analyze my own state of mind, my disease, my biases...but when I look at this all I feel is a cold knot in my stomach, anxious over trying to figure out who sent this, and what their intentions are...I would give almost anything to be in a place mentally/emotionally where I could be in a relationship...but I know that such a thing is likely not to ever be in the cards for me...I wouldn't wish myself on anyone such as I am...I wouldn't want to inflict even the tiniest iota of my problems on someone else.
No matter how true the "old platitudes" are for most people "you're not a burden" or "you have imposter syndrome", I know that I am a burden on my friends and family...I can see it every time my parents send me money to be able to come home to visit, I can read it between the lines when I am down to literally nothing in my kitchen but ramen and I have to beg my parents or brother or friends for money to get through a month, and I can see it in the faces of people who work at the only place I ever really go anymore to run games, since they know I haven't bought anything in months and months, and some of the time I volunteer to run games because playing games costs money but running them is free. I know I don't have imposter syndrome because my college advisor told me to my face that I got a free pass on lots of things because my committee knew I was dealing with stuff...sat there and told me that nobody else would have passed with the quality of work that I turned in...
**sigh** I also have a really bad habit of not talking or writing about my problems for months, sometimes years, at a time and then having a bad night (like tonight) and a bunch of it just starts streaming out until I've written a novella about it.
I've tried to live without letting my disease affect others, but I fail, all the time, at that... My daily mantra is from one of my favorite authors, "We all carry within us our places of exile, our crimes, and our ravages. But our task is not to unleash them on the world; it is to fight them in ourselves and in others" (Camus) but it feels like every time I let my guard down or "stop performing" or pretending to be fine, that I'm burdening the people around me with the knowledge that I'm dying inside, every day...even hitting the submit button on this has taken me close to an hour of staring at it...because as much as I'm hurting and confused right now, people on this page have it worse than me for more real and tangible reasons than mine...and if the cost of me getting better is someone else getting worse, I'll never accept that...I'd rather take it until it drives me to kill myself than hurt someone else.
...I am so far off the original topic of why I started writing...but bringing it back full circle...why? Why would anyone send me something like this? ...and what the hell do I do now?
...sorry for rambling and being the opposite of making a long story short.
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self.depression
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I do everything I can to seem like a "normal" person on the outside Whenever questions about my sexual relationships come up with not really close friends or my family, I always say a vague joke that makes it seem like I've been in relationships, when in reality that has never been the case.
I feel like most people I interact with daily see me as a "normal" person, I workout, get good grades, feign happiness in public, make constant funny jokes, I'm not hideous, etc. I feel like the expectations people have for me because of this fake personality I've created just leads me to lie more and more, just to stay in the same light that they all see me in. Just wanted to rant/write out these feelings
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self.depression
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My New Years Eve Resolution is to stop talking about my depression I’m too much of a pussy to tell my parents that I’m depressed so my New Years resolution is to stop talking about it out loud to people in my life because I feel like I’m burdening them and just repeating the same thing over and over again with no hope for change. I’m hoping that if I think happy and act happy I can physically will myself to be happy.
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self.depression
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My life is shattered. My mom died in August 2016. I drove out to the hospital, I made the decision to pull life support, and then I watched and listened to her die. And then I called the funeral home to pick her up. I did everything.
I spent the next few months dealing with nightmares about her being buried alive.
In December, I was laid off from work. I picked up another job and then in February 2017, I broke my arm and herniated a spinal disk in a fall. In March, I was hospitalized for two weeks with pneumonia in one lung and an abscess in the other. In May, my grandmother died. In September, I broke my foot which eventually cost me my job at a daycare.
I do not have a penny of money. At the end of October, my dog went missing and yesterday I found him at a humane society 45 minutes away from my house. He's already up for adoption. I had no idea he was out there. I have no idea how I'm going to get him back. The adoption fee is $185.
Less than two years ago I had a career, a good salary and health insurance.
I reached out to friends tonight, but then quickly realized I don't really have anyone to talk to. I feel like I keep screaming for help, but everyone keeps turning away. I'm fighting so hard but I'm struggling. I don't know if I'm going to make it or if I even want to make it.
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self.offmychest
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wow... stress eating is real holy mother of batman. i get it now.
i hate my job (didn't always feel like this, but now it does) and WOW i'm addressing the issue by eating like tomorrow will never come. brb gonna go get a slice of cheesecake and i'll be damned if i don't eat the entire thing in 10 minutes.
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self.Anxiety
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I have a call with the state tomorrow about finally obtaining health insurance and I’m an anxiety riddled mess. I have pain issues with my spine and neck, I’ve been dealing with it for over 8 years now, but haven’t been to a doctor in 4 or 5 years because I lost my insurance. I’ve been dealing with horrible anxiety for almost 20 years.
Steadily, over the last 4 or 5 years, my unchecked pain has gotten worse and my anxiety is at an all time high. I barely function. I can go weeks without even leaving my house because everything causes a panic attack. Everything. Even laying in my bed, watching my favorite movie can be a breeding ground for anxiety. I have lost the will to do anything. Not only does it physically hurt, the mental strain of the anxiety is unlike anything I’ve ever known.
I’m done with it. I know I have to do something to fix this. I’ve let it fester for far too long. First things first, I need health insurance. I got online and filled out my application and was told that between my husband’s meager salary and my complete lack of salary, we may qualify for Medicaid. While that may be a good thing, I’m terrified.
I’ve been through something similar before, trying to obtain disability. It was a nightmare. I quit 6 months in. The money could absolutely help us, I know I qualify, but dealing with the constant doctors appointments and the red tape and hoops that the government throws out there, it’s IMPOSSIBLE for my brain. I hate it so much. I’d rather be poor and just die in a puddle of anxiety and pain.
I know those are my options. Die a miserable shell of a person or just get through this and get the help I need, no matter how much my brain wants to stop me. Ugh!
I have a phone interview in 7 hours. I haven’t been able to fall asleep. It’s 3 am, my stomach is in knots, my chest is tight and angry, everything is shaking, my pain is unreal and I can’t stop crying. Why?! Why am I like this? This is not the worst thing in the world. The person will call, ask me all kinds of questions that I’ll more than likely have the answers to, and then they’ll tell me what to do next and I’ll hang up. End of story. But I completely feel like the person on the other end of the phone has a personal vendetta against me. They don’t want me to have insurance and they don’t want me to get relief from this bullshit because they hate me. Everything horrible and evil in the world will rain down on me the second I answer that phone in 7 hours. I know it’s not true, but I can’t convince my brain.
I hate anxiety so much. I just want this over and done with. I want to be able to see a doctor so I can get this under control and possibly live a normal life again. I dream of the day i can get a job again and function normally within society. I used to be such a cool person. I hate this so much.
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self.Anxiety
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Why is it so hard for me to get things started and to finish them? I'm so frustrated right now... I feel like the world is collapsing on me whenever I try to be even semi productive. I have fallen so far behind in my work for my science class that I haven't turned in any of the homework and I've already missed 2 classes. It's not like the class is hard but I just get such awful anxiety whenever I try to start my work and I don't know why! Sometimes it seems like it's because I lack any motivation to do it, sometimes I literally just cannot keep my focus long enough to get any actual work done but either way I'll sit there in front of my work and the longer I stare at it the worse my anxiety gets. I need help figuring out how to get past this. I have so much reading to do and so many papers to write if I want to catch up but the more I think about how much I have to do the more anxious I get! Can anyone help me figure out how to get past this awful anxiety and just get shit done? What techniques do you use?
I'm so sick of not finishing what I've started and I don't want this class to become one of those things that I have to give up on because I couldn't finish any of my work.
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self.Anxiety
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My best shot at happiness is reincarnation The funny thing is I don't even believe in it but I just can't get the thought out of my head. I'm tired of living. I hate my life. I just want to end it. I think I will tonight. We'll see if I have the balls this time.
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self.depression
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(NAW) My brother stole money from me for a vacation I was supposed to take the whole family on For YEARS, I've been trying to take my whole family to Disney World for a vacation. For the last three or so, I was the only one with disposable income large enough to afford it - my brother, his wife and child; my mom and her boyfriend; my dad and his girlfriend. I saved, I coupon-clipped, and I found a great deal.
When I approached my older brother and his wife about going, I laid out all my plans and the costs and showed them that I could cover it all if they wanted me to.
They said no. They didn't want me to pay for anything and they couldn't afford it themselves. We didn't go on the trip.
Then over the last year, my brother starts asking for money. Little sums here and there, "For the baby's diapers," or "I can't make my mortgage this month." I helped him out because family right?
Then our grandmother died earlier this year. I asked my mom about the will. She said my brother was supposed to contact me. He didn't. I find out there isn't much - but there are two funeral plots for me that could be used or sold as needed. I opted to sell.
But he wouldn't release the plots to me. He stopped returning my calls. I don't know what happened to those plots, but now, all of a sudden HE'S TAKING HIS FAMILY AND MY MOM AND DAD TO DISNEY WORLD. Same month, same hotels, same flight package that I found for us three years ago.
But I'm not invited.
And where did the money come from? Turns out, my Dad's girlfriend pays their mortgage. My mom buys most of my niece's baby stuff.
Yeah. *My brother stole money from me over the last year AND sold the pitiful inheritance left to me to pay for a vacation I was going to take us on.*
And I just miscarried twice in the last four months. So it feels like I have no family, now. It's starting to feel like I never will. I'll never get to take a baby to Disney World. And no one will ever take me.
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self.offmychest
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This is the closest to suicide I have ever been. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why is this happening to me. Hey everyone, as I'm sure you could have assumed, I've been pretty depressed as of late. This bout of depression started at the beginning of this school year, I'm a sophomore in college. I absolutely loved my freshman year, made the best friends I've ever had and couldn't wait to get back to school after summer. But now that I've been here for almost a semester, I have never been more depressed in my life. I hate myself and everyone around me. I feel like my friends aren't really my friends. Furthermore, the girl I'm in love with I never see anymore (we were pretty close last year but have rarely spoken this year.) Honestly this is probably the main source of my depression. I've developed severe anxiety and can hardly get out of bed in the morning and I lay in bed for hours at night just trying to sleep. I hate my life so much and at this point I don't even want to be at school anymore. Everyone says it's just a sophomore slump but I really don't know. I just fucking hate it all. Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
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I think my past is haunting me Ok. This is gonna take a long text to say everything in my mind right now. I’ll try to shorten it as best as I possibly can. I was 16 at that time, in Viet Nam. I like this girl who was cute and kind and sweet. We started dating for roughly about 3 months of that summer. Then I went to the U.S so we began our little LDR. Most people say LDR is bored and inefficient. But for me, it was wonderful. Together we surpassed almost all obstacles. We didn’t have smartphones at that time so laptop and yahoo messenger were our only way. But we did it.
Then I moved to another city for college. I was a bit of a loner. So she was the only person I talked to, the only I have.
So while we were together, my ex was constantly harassed by someone. He called, texted and even hacked her facebook and yahoo messenger account. He kept terrorizing her. So she had to gave up her phone to her uncle (whom she stayed with) and couldn’t talk to me.
It was a nice day, I woke up like everyday and texted her but no reply. Then she just disappear. A lot more things happened. But she just cut all contact with me. I became so depressed. I even thought of suicide. But luckily my family helped me over it.
But she still haunted me. I returned there to find her but she just hide from me. I don’t know why. So I got in new relationships but I can’t seem to forget her. I mean I love her so much even now almost 3 years. It’s unfair for my now gf. I love my gf but just because my gf look a lot like her
How can I move on? I really need some closures, to rest my mind at ease
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self.offmychest
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Constantly hating myself for everything I can't look in a mirror or anything reflective because I hate how I look, and even the little things I do like just the way I walk. I barely make it to the gym anymore because I'm surrounded by better people than me. And when i'm not depressed I get furious at myself for being depressed for being weak, and I break things and freak out. I just hate everything I do.
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self.depression
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Girl just suddenly stopped talking to me when I thought things were going so well [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I self harmed for the first time in a long while [deleted]
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self.depression
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Felt the need to write this down somewhere Families work differently in the Indian suburbs. My father, who had been subjected to a lot of injustice and public shaming only because he belonged to a lower case, defied all odds to become a chief educational officer in my state; my state only has 30 CEOs. Naturally, he wanted his kids to do better in life than he did and as good as his friends' kids did. My brother, sister and I had a strict upbringing and failing to top the class always resulted in our father shouting at us, and my siblings and I have been spanked when we didn't meet his expectations. Thus, we were constantly among the top three students in the class.
The educational system in my state has two board exams – the Indian equivalent of GCSE – with good result in the first at the age of 15 ensuring we got into the Biology-Maths-Physics-Chemistry group – the group that one should choose in order to get into medicine – at good higher secondary schools. My father put a lot of pressure upon my brother to perform well in his first board exams, and my brother, who couldn't take his frequent verbal assaults decided to study in a boarding school for his higher secondary school education. He scored a decent mark, but that wasn't enough to get him a seat at a top HS school, and my father, who's a teacher himself was insulted mildly at the school he was trying to secure my brother his seat. He ended up joining the second-best school of that time.
His relationship with my father began deteriorating since he left the house and conversations between them became rarer. My brother's secured similar grades in his HS exam and got into my state's second-best engineering college, where he did mechanical engineering; its worth noting that he only got a seat as India reserves a certain number of seats at every college for students belonging to lower castes.
He didn't have great grades but did well enough to secure a job at a multinational IT firm at the end of his course. During his time at the college, he visited home only rarely and sometimes chose to stay back at college during Diwali holidays, which sees over 98% of the middle-class Indian folk spending the time with their family.
Less than a year into his time at the MN IT company, he resigned to take a job at an automobile company one, as he felt he could put his mechanical engineering education into fine use at the latter. An unfortunate mishap meant he ended up jobless. He spent the next few months preparing for his MBA entrance test, and he again found himself selected into a top business school in the country. Securing decent results there meant he got a good job at a top bank in India.
His relationship with my father became worse, as my family became more and more broken. Everybody had issues with everybody in my family besides me and my sister, who's easily the most empathetic and affectionate person in the house. I've had numerous arguments and physical altercations with almost everyone, just like everyone else in the family has with everyone else. My family has almost always been in shambles. However, despite all these, we've always found ways to reconcile, just like every rural and suburban Indian family, but my brother has always had a hard time burying hatchets.
Less than two years into his second job, he quit, stating his job was stressful. He quit his job a few weeks after his trip to Indonesia, and he's the first person from the whole of my family to ever go on a flight journey, let alone an overseas trip, and he did seem to have a good time, and we still don't know why he quit his job two years after he did.
He has since never applied for a job at any place and has no intensions of moving out of the house, unless my mother gives him a huge sum of money to start a business. His demands are astronomical, and he's unwilling to take a loan as well.
A couple months into his current unemployment, he assaulted my father physically for badmouthing him to my father's friend, and my father left the house to stay in a motel for the next 12 months, as his relationship with the rest of the family wasn't good as well at that time. My brother showed no remorse and always tried to ensure my father never returned to the house. The father staying out of the house is an abomination in my culture, and my paternal uncles often begged my father to return in vain. A couple of months ago, my 63-year-old father returned to the house after much effort from my paternal uncles and me. My mother – who has been cheated on a million times by my father – was delighted to see him return to the house, as his returning means we can marry my aging sister off, and a 27-year-old female being unmarried is unheard of in my culture. My brother isn't really happy to welcome him back, and he's being passively hostile toward him and even keeps himself up at night and sleeps during the day to avoid him.
It seems as though a huge physical alternation may break out any time among my family, with my brother hating on my sister and father; he talks only to my mother, who goes out of her way to ensure he doesn't feel bad because of unemployment. It's worth noting that he even busted her head open five months ago after an argument. He gets defensive, offensive and physical when his returning to employment is ever brought up.
He has developed a superiority complex and considers the rest of the family dumbfucks; he even shouts dumbfucks out loud when we enter the room he's in. He even lives in the only air-conditioned room in the house and has the luxury the other four members of the family doesn't boast.
My father is far from a changed man, but he's definitely enough for my sister, mother and me to care about his health again. My father even brought me medicine an took me to the doctor when I was sick and took me for my driving test recently.
I want to ask my brother to leave the house, but I know hell will break lose if someone tries telling him to get a job. He seems to be be in a terrible shape mentally, and asking him to seek professional help will also result in his throwing a huge fit.
I don't know. I want my family to be okay.
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self.offmychest
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I’m afraid to lay My head down to go to sleep I don’t want to have a minute for my brain to tear myself apart. That’s what will happen the second I don’t have a distraction.
The problem is - I can’t have a fucking second to myself to just NOT THINK. I DONT WANT TO FUCKING THINK. I just want to turn my brain off. Needing to keep my brain occupied so I can never just relax my brain, I miss on the rare occasion when I could just not think about anything and relax for even just a moment. My anxiety is getting worse, my stress is getting worse. My health, physical and mental is getting worse.
My new role at my job is a fucking nightmare, my anxiety makes me want to kill myself, it makes it seem as if it’s the best option. I have to make phone calls at my job and I can’t bring myself to do it, the employee above me that conveniently sits next to me is not supportive in any way, quite the opposite. He Just shits on everything I do and how I do it and is honestly just a fucking asshole. Work is getting on my ass for not making the calls and I don’t know what to do.
I can’t sleep, I can’t rest. I just keep thinking about work all day, every day. Even on my fucking days off I don’t reslly even count it as a day off. My mind is at work, so it doesn’t fucking matter.
I can feel my health deteriorating, I have very bad chest pains and headaches, I know my teeth are fucked up from years of depression and not taking care of myself
and it’s causing me awful headaches- wisdom teeth coming in- and I’m scared. I’m scared of everything in the world, I hate being a pussy and afraid of every little thing, I want to just bury myself in my own grave. I can’t handle it.
I’m in debt, I feel like it’s drowning me and suffocating me and I keep trying to slowly pay it off but I have so many bills, I can’t do it. It feels like I’m never even making a dent in my debt, yet I have no money each paycheck.
I’m lost, alone, scared, and feel like I’m at the edge of my rope. I feel like a failure.
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self.Anxiety
|
It’s a beautiful sunset and I’m sitting here in Walmart parking lot with food for my animals, a pack of cigs, a bottle of pills, and a fifth of vodka listening to StreetLights by Kanye West and a soul brimming with pain. I cycle through Anger, Depression, Loneliness, and Apathy as my moods throughout the week. The siren’s song for going home becomes stronger as the days go on until it my surroundings become dull and null. Everyday I’ve fought for what’s around me. My relationship, my family, my job, and my possessions. I realize that these are all things I should be grateful to have but, this is a bout I can’t see an end to and I’m on the ground while the ref counts. He’s on 8 and this just feels like this is it. My pride and spirit feel broken and I feel like a failure and I’m ready to pick up that phone call to go home.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish I'd known what heroin withdrawal looked like Maybe you wouldn't have had to die. In retrospect, all the little things i'd dismissed were like huge neon signs pointing towards the problem. I hate thinking about the way you were alone.
My bubbo, you were so good at hiding it, and at convincing yourself you were doing okay. I wish you'd told me, I wish I'd been more curious. But now you're gone and I have nothing left but my memories of you. I will always love you, you will always be mine.
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self.offmychest
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I finally made an appointment with a therapist I finally get over my petty fear and made the call. I really hope this is the first step in putting my life back together.
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self.depression
|
Oh come the fuck on. Psych sick so nothing for the next 2 weeks. I pushed myself so hard to even go back to try and see a psych again cause ive gotten to the point i cant even have a normal day without bashing my head against something. And atter so much effort, which is very hard for me to come by recently, of course it went down the shitter. Just throw me a bone and let me catch a break, please.
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self.depression
|
What do you do to get yourself out of bed in the morning? More specifically, early in the morning.
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self.depression
|
I'm close to coming close. I can feel my life headed in a downward spiral. I am in my last year of college and I have no drive to do or learn or anything. I know I have below average intelligence and grasping power when it comes to anything. I have no talent really. I suck st everything I enjoy. What's worse is that the closest friends that I have and really love, are quite easily the nicest and most talented (in this particular case, I really enjoy listening to western music and started trying to learn, but I'm unbearably horrible at it) people I know. I honestly don't think I have anything to offer to anyone. I'm a dull sod. Just an amassing of protoplasm waiting to end. It's just a question of when.
I've seen people say encouraging things on this subreddit. You guys need to be given more credit for that. I'm just another one who's nearly in need of help. Or maybe I'm just too much of a wimp to do anything of substance. Including committing suicide.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Everything is just fucking terrible. I can't see beauty in anything, nothing is enjoyable anymore and I'm sure it will just get worse. I tried so many times to get better, but depression always won. It will always win. I don't have the energy to fight my own brain anymore. I don't wanna pretend to be something that I am not. I don't wanna live against my own will and spend my whole life working on a job I hate just to survive. Nobody gives a shit if I kill myself anyway. I have no friends, no girlfriend, and my family is pretty fucking toxic and unsupportive. I wish I could just be strong enough to make things better for myself but I can't, I'm a cursed, psychotic, ugly piece of trash.
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self.depression
|
does it ever feel like your friends arent really there? I genuinely care for and love my friends so I regularly ask them how they're doing on messenger since they all live so far away. I know my friends struggle with depression so I make it a point to contact them and let them know I'm here for them.
But most times I am left on "read" or get lukewarm responses, as though they are annoyed. They don't really initiate conversation with me and rarely ask me how I'm doing.
I hope I don't sound selfish in any way, but it just feels weird to care so much for people who don't seem to care that much for you. It hurts sometimes that I also struggle with depression but have no one to talk to..
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self.depression
|
A love letter to the one that got away with anxiety. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
It doesn’t get any easier I lost my Dad 3 years ago in November and this will be my 4th Christmas without him. I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling down etc and that I should be feeling grateful that I still have others round me. My mother suffers from a form of dementia and lives 3 hours away and I wont make it down to see her.
I’m spending Christmas with my partner and his mum and I’m happy I get to spend it with them but I’m still hurting that I can’t spend it with my parents.
I just feel guilty for feeling down about it and feel as if I shouldn’t be.
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self.depression
|
self referred myself for therapy because I clearly can't fake it anymore I'm 18 and have recently decided to self refer myself for therapy. I have struggled with a whole bunch of problems in my life for a good few years. I think from when I was 12 I realised the extent to which my family was messed up.
to start with, I am from a multi faith multi cultural family and if it isn't apparent, this is probably where most of my problems stem from.
My dad is an obnoxious, arrogant and self centred control freak who has always felt the need to practically undermine me and dictate everything I do from how I'm meant to think to what I'm meant to wear. Ofcourse at 13 I became rebellious which did not result in a great outcome. due to his insensitive, ignorant and uneducated mindset (my dad hasn't had a proper education. he dropped out of school at 13) I made a bad decision. that year was probably the worst year of my life so much happened that has just destroyed me emotionally. Yet i bottled it all up and tried my best to carry on as if life were normal... its far from normal.
my parents honestly hate each other and i have been the bridge between them from the minute my brain could retain memories. there has been many times where i have had to actively wedge myelf between the two of them just to avoid anything horrendous happening. this was when i was growing up so just before I was in secondary school. about the time I was 11.
I just don't understand why they always would feel the need to criticise eachother and tell me about it so I'd basically be the one fed the hate from whatever new spat they got into. I know for a fact this messed wih my emotional state because now I have no idea what the hell im meant to do
from the time i was in secondary school everything basically just kept going downhill. My mum was gonna leave my dad but ofcourse that hasnt happened. now my dad is saying he's leaving but ofcourse that wont happen either. and as always im stuck between the two. one minute they hate eachother and the nex my mums being nice or my dads being nice and then the next i have my mum bawling her eyes out expressing all her regrets about marrying my dad and ive had to deal with this rollercoater for 18 years. I genuinely cant take it anymore. so that is why i have now started therapy.
loads of family issues. no way to express it. i became quite an angry person but the anger is aimed at myself. when i was 15 id iit myself out of anger if i felt i ruined something like an outing with my friends or if i got into an argument with my boyfriend. i tug on my hair when im stressed. i have several panic attacks a week. most times i just can't breathe properly and i cry myself to sleep because i just feel like total trash.
my doctor told me that the symptoms are that of mild/chronic depression, though i coulda told her that.
on top of the frequent family drama i have several arguments with my boyfriend over what seems so futile to me. i feel like he is still a child but i love him so i have to get through it. i try talk to him about this and he used to be supportive but now i guess hes just sick of hearing it and i dont blame him. im sick of it too. i just feel shit all the time.
im quite a sociable person but recently I've lost most of my friends because I did work a very tough job that consumed my free time and i got pissed at one friend and because its a clique thing they all basically choose her over me which is ironic because they all have issues with her and i was the one they always came to complain to. I usually tried to remain impartial.
i didnt have much of a social life the past few years because i put my time into revision for exams.
i am now a fresher in college and once again another big let down in my life. Everyone has their groups in my course but surprise surprise im the one on the outside looking in.
i do have a want to like feel like i belong and being an island isnt nice for me. i talk to everyone but theres no set friends of mine yet. i still feel like everyones an acquaintance of mine and the first semester is already over.
oh yeah and my dad has been ignoring me for the past four months i might as well be dead to him. He is ignoring me for reasons of his own that no one in their right mind could comprehend there is no talking to that man.
I apologise if this sounds crazy but i really just felt like this was the right place to post it. I'm hoping therapy will help me fix how broken i am. i dont like feeling so empty.
I cry all the time and i hate it. for years ive basically put on a happy face but its really not true. im honestly broken inside. I've no self esteem anymore and quite frankly im just on egg shells all the time with my emotions. im scared of being happy because i dont wanna go back to how i feel the majority of the time. i just feel so hopeless, useless like i shouldnt even bother. that its better to hide in the dark than feel happy because feeling happy just wont last long.
Tl/dr: I am 18, a fresher at college and have been struggling emotionally for years now and decided to self refer to therapy because of my dysfunctional family that always uses me as a bridge between the two of them as well as social problems I've recently been experiencing. Because of all this i feel isolated and alone. The emotional problems have left me unable to handle it the best way so i self harm when angry, upset or just feel crappy. because of all this i decided its time i sought professional help because i'm obviously not coping very well.
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self.depression
|
Waking up at the same time every night terrified ill see something Hello everyone!
This is going to sound silly, or stupid- but it really is beginning to affect me. It started about month ago and suddenly I was up around "the witching hour"- anywhere from 2-4, but usually waking around 3-3:30. I am a superstitious person (thanks mom!) and in the past had run ins that scared the crap out of me- so I do worry if there is something.
I wake up, and immediately its like a lightbulb goes off in my head of being terrified that something is standing in our hallway, or in our mirror thats attached to our bedroom door (facing us). I recite mantras which feel useless- I try to talk myself out of it with logic- which doesn't help.
Its like my brain actively searches for things to scare me further as I lay there awake. I think of my past experiences (I shove them out of my head and BOOM it worms its way in), I think of that scary tv show I once watched when I was 12 ect. I feel like I am not in control of my mind and that no matter how hard I try to logic my way out of it, do breathing exercises, ect it just DOESNT WORK!
I often wake my partner who is like "oh my god..this AGAIN?? There is NOTHING there. Its the house settling, stop being freaked out and go to bed". He's also diabetic, so by waking him I can mess with him blood sugar :(
I am at my wits end. Its been happening nearly every night and I feel I have no way to really combat it. Is this a ghost problem- or an anxiety problem??
|
self.Anxiety
|
God was trolling me so badly when he made me a skullcel manlet
I mean if I had a regular sized head and wasn't short I'd probably be modeling and getting paid for lookinggood and exotic.
my bodybuilding genetics and frame are top tier but im just so small and top light
|
self.depression
|
Please just unfollow me Why do you still even follow me? We don't talk and you don't even acknowledge my existence. Do you feel sorry for me? Do you plan on getting back together? Are you making fun of me with your new friends? Something tells me it's that. Something in me can't unfollow you so I'm just hoping that you do it first.
Fuck you.
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self.offmychest
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Was having a good morning for once but it's annoyingly easy to get sucked back into depression [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
The only thing that i truly look up to in life is going to bed at the end of the day, because i will be ''dead'' for the next 8 hours Nothing better than falling asleep for 8 hours, because i can't feel any mind-destroying emotions for that time.
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self.depression
|
My friend is on the brink and I'm not stopping him. A friend and I met through a mutually strong want to die. He's on the brink now and I fear any day might be the last. I'm doing better and don't actively wanna kill myself right now. But because of my past, I understand what it's like to truly want to die and everything in life holding you back and telling you no and making you feel guilty. So I have always been there - NOT as an encourager - but as someone who understands. I don't want him to die. It'll hurt me a lot. I wish he didn't feel this way. But I respect his decision because I was there once. And I'm the only one he talks to and shares plans with because I'm the only one who doesn't spew bullshit about things getting better. I tell him alternatives and tell him he means a lot to me and that he has time to reconsider.
But I feel guilty a lot. I feel like if he goes it'll be down to me. But I am also sturdy in respecting his choice. I don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I️ hate my fiances cat more than anything Love the woman. Hate the cat. Never say a word cause i love the woman and she loves the cat. But, FUCK that cat. It’s smart enough to where i know it’s being an absolute shit head on purpose. I️ Love most cats. The woman I️ chose has picked a cat that is the worst cat in the world. And this fucker is gonna live for 2 more decades. I’ve never hated any animal before. Fuck this cat
Edit: tried to fix my stupid iPhone glitch that ironically won’t let me type “i “. Fuck this OS and fuck that cat
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self.offmychest
|
I miss 2 guys in my life I miss my ex-bf. We recently broke up. I miss that I was always able to lean on him, he always listened to what was on my mind, what bothered me, etc. But since we had a long-distance relationship, he never was as available to me as he was when we lived together. We talked yesterday, and he seemed distant, it might be my delusion (I know I'm sometimes delusional, especially as he mentioned he is super stressed as he has a lot of work).
There's another guy that I miss. A guy that I was really good friends with, a guy who always cheered me up. But when he confessed his feelings, and I had a bf at the time and tbh I don't see him as very responsible, I didn't replicate his feelings. I think he doesn't want to talk to me again.
I know I have to get over it. I'm pretty sure neither of them is right for me, even though I know I have a lot that I have to change about myself!!!! I have realised that I have many faults, especially when it comes to relationships!!!
Just to get off my chest 😔
Sorry if my writing sounds confusing.
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self.offmychest
|
Is Wellbutrin and Lithium a combo? I'm currently on Wellbutrin 150 and Trileptal 600 and it's not working so we upped the Trileptal dose to 900, but my insurance isn't accepting it because it's not FDA approved as a mood stabilizer. So Trileptal is kinda working, I know for sure it works at 900 but I'm tempted to just try something else instead of fighting the insurance company.
Has anyone tried Lithium with Wellbutrin? It is a known combo?
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone else? Do you ever have a panic attack for no reason and people don't understand it? Everyone tries to find the cause of it but it's just the way my brain is.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I shouldn't have gone home for Christmas I don't know what I thought was going to happen, besides the worst. I went home to attempt to visit with my very demanding, self serving grandparents. They are really all I have left, and so I wanted to try. I wanted to forgive the years of manipulation. I wanted to forget the sexual abuse I had faced when I was younger. I just wanted to move on with my life and give my grandparents peace, so that everyone could be happy.
Over the past three years, nothing I do for them is ever enough. When I visit it's not long enough. Whatever opinions I hold aren't valid. Whatever my thoughts are, are argued against and expelled. It doesn't matter if I go to church every Sunday and make straight A's in college. It's not their church, and because school takes up a lot of my time it doesn't matter to them. I'm not giving them that time. I'm not doing exactly what my grandparents think I should be doing, whatever on Earth they think that should be.
I've started taking action to become independent over the past three years. I don't want them to be my only option. A few years ago I bought my own phone. A year ago I got my own phone plan. I've gotten an apartment now. I've bought a car recently. I just have to get new car insurance, and I no longer need anything from them.
I am afraid of being on my own. But in reality, I always have been.
|
self.offmychest
|
Overwhelmed by school work I got essays, presentations, tests within the coming weeks. I don't know if I can beat this, I just want to hide or run away.
|
self.depression
|
First posting on here. This is where I am at. The only reason I stay alive is for my children. Every day is a mental battle between wanting to just be done with everything and watching my kids grow up. At the moment I’m not sure which one will win and that is terrifying.
|
self.depression
|
Too depressed for online dating? I want to try online dating, because I am painfully lonely. I just want intimacy with someone. But, the thought of trying to compete with tons of other guys(who are all probably much more well adjusted then myself) makes me feel awful. And I have to actually have pictures of myself, which I have none off.
I know what will happen if I try. I'll look up how to make a good profile, maybe get someone to take pictures of me that make it look like I'm a happy person. Then I'll start swiping right(or whatever the fuck you do). And I'll wait, and wait, and wait. Oh what's that! A message. Oh, shit its a bot. No big deal, just gotta wait, gotta love yourself after all :) :) :). A few weeks later, I'll have nothing.
That shit would be devastating. I'd feel even worse then I do now. I'll basically have coup de grace'd myself by accident. What the fuck do I do?
|
self.depression
|
I want to kill myself. I can't though. And I hate it. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Has anyone here gotten over depression but still browse r/depression? It would be good to know as it seems my depression is clearly correlated with how much time i spend on r/dep
|
self.depression
|
Quit Facebook, now feeling lonely and depressed So, I quit Facebook. I just realized that I didn't do anything good with it. I just posted sh*t that nobody was actually interested in. I was only ruining my reputation with that. And Facebook made me very jealous of other people. I just couldn't take that anymore.
But now I am just feeling lonely. Because Facebook gave me at least the illusion that I had a social life. But I don't. Almost after every day I find myself alone in my apartment thinking these things again and again. Sometimes I think I am better, but then it again begins. It's been this way for about 10 years (am now 26).
And the funny thing is that on the outside my life looks probably quite good; I'm studying in university and I am involved in student activities. But I really don't have friends around. Almost all my relationships with other people are shallow and/or official. Nothing real, just smalltalk and other stupid sh*t. I hate it. But it has almost always been that way. And people who were my real friends, have just kinda drifted away; they moved away or spend their whole time with some other people I don't even know.
And naturally I haven't had a romantic relationship or sex in a long time. But I have kinda lost interest in sex and don't even remember what it feels like. Well, I have had only couple partners during my whole life so far.
So, I guess quitting FB made me realize what my life is really like...
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self.depression
|
Given up strength to even text people None of my friends but one ever texts me, mostly because a lot of my friends don't want my number. It looks like my friend is having a good time with her family while their over and I'm just sitting here alone with nobody, contemplating why I'm even alive. I don't care to even text them at time because I feel like I'd ruin their time with me being all sad. It even goes to the point where I feel to tired to even respond back. I feel bad for this but I know it's probably for the better as I don't want to ruin her day with the burden of my depression talking and her having to listen and deal with it. Anybody else ever do this, if so I'd want some advice on what to do because life is fucking shit I need somebody to talk to, but I don't want to be a burden when somebodies enjoying themself with my shit life
|
self.depression
|
*TRIGGER WARNING* I swallowed a bunch of my anticonvulsants and I feel myself slipping away I'm not telling anyone.
I'm sorry if this post doesn't belong there.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just need to vent. Guys, I can't really talk to anyone in my real life about this because they will tell me to "buck up".
So, I guess I should start by saying like many of you, I've suffered from severe depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. Lately, I've just felt increasingly worse. I can't stop thinking about ending this, everything. I'm tired, I can't remember the last time I actually ate, and I just want to cry.
This truly hinders my life, I don't drive, I'm almost thirty, and I have two kids. As you can see, I cause the majority of issues when it comes to my marriage, and being a decent parent. I feel selfish, but I see them as being happier people without me in their lives. I want to die, or run away. Just go. I realized though I would feel even worse by abandoning the people I love. The fact is, I don't have anyone to talk to. I can't get to therapy on a regular basis, the antidepressants I was on caused side effects like migraines and body tremors, and I've been having headaches for months before that anyway just not as bad.
My husband hardly speaks to me, and when he does it's usually complaining about my not doing something, or how I'm useless. I can't recall the last time I was able to have a conversation about things I like, or am passionate about without being told it's "stupid" or "I don't feel like talking right now" I feel so alone. The only thing he noticed was that I looked "sickly" and "skinnier" and said I needed to eat. I just feel to tired, and food doesn't taste like anything anymore. Just bland, and truthfully I don't even feel hungry. I want to change, I want to be what everyone wants me to be, but it isn't easy.
Today, was hard. I got a job, it starts Monday, but I have to find daycare services and figure out all the details alone because my husband wants to "teach me a lesson" as I'm not an adult he says. Went to my best friend's house who happens to be his sister, while she's supportive of any choice I make, her boyfriend who is a great guy made me feel like shit. He told me to just go and drive, that my fear and anxiety wasn't real, that I'm going to make my family broke and homeless, that I need to step up and be a good mom, etc. I know it was supposed to be a pep talk, and reverse psychology, but it didn't work. It made me even more sad, and anxiety filled. I don't even want to work, I don't want to do anything but go to sleep and not wake up.
I know this sounds like the rant of a crybaby, but damn, really I don't think I can keep going.
Add: Forgot to mention, I've been having hallucinations, auditory and visual. They've happened on and off throughout my life, but in times of stress they amplify.
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self.depression
|
What am I worth? I think a lot about what my impact on the world is and what my leaving it would do. I try to be a good person, and I want to be, but I don’t know that I really am. Everyone wants to think they’re a good person, even those who are objectively shit. I bring some people joy I guess, but that’s mostly my family. Do they love me because of who I am, or simply because I’m family and they kinda have to? I don’t think my parents could ever hate me because they put so much time into raising me and all. Do I really influence them, or anyone else for that matter positively though? I don’t know. I know I’ve also caused a lot of frustration and heartbreak. I was a shitty person as a kid for sure. I don’t know if my death would be a net positive or not. It would cause a lot of pain to my family, but in the long run, what have I really done to improve their lives anyway? How at any time do we know if we’re doing good or not? If I’m as shit as I feel I am inside, then I’d be doing the world a favor. I don’t know. I don’t want to wonder about my impact anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This is crippling my life. Just need to vent somewhere -
I’m 26, have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety since I was about 18 and I seem to work in cycles. A few months I’m on top of the world, excelling in whatever job I’m in, generally finding all relationships easier and feeling genuinely happy. Then, it turns. I fall apart mentally and self sabotage everything until I’ve alienated myself and I’m stuck, alone, in a room for days or weeks on end. I’m on heavy medication but that doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.
This last year has possibly been the worst. I’ve always had a temper and been aggressive but lately I’ve been losing it to a point of physically harming others. I live with my cousin (male) and one of my best friends (female) and things have gotten so bad at certain points that I’ve physically assaulted both of them and feel disgusting for that. Currently I have no drive or motivation to do anything at all and can’t seem to get out of this “funk” this time. My room mates “try” to help but seem to make everything worse. I’m back on the path of feeling like suicide is the best option and I don’t want to feel this way. I want to feel like I deserve to have good things happen but every time I spin it and good things come around I feel like I don’t deserve it and throw it all away.
Right now I barely eat, I only sleep through the day and it’s arguably my favourite time because it’s an escape.
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self.depression
|
Women, feminists, I love you and I want what's best for you. . .But I have some words for you right now. . . Look, dating is hard. . . .Like it SUCKS right now, or maybe it always has? I mean, the stories my mom tells me just seem so alien to me, when people just went out to people's houses and met up for fun, but that just DOESN'T exist today.
Why? Because women just can't feel safe in A society where men are ready to shout at them or assault them for saying "no".
But then there are people like me, or my friend Jacob. People who put ourselves out there and want you to feel safe and cared for or good about yourselves.
It just SUCKS that most the women I've been interested in so far? Are just so cowardly for lack of A better word, or maybe not?
It's like. . . .We meet at A club , or on campus or in A supermarket, and I we talk, A number is exchanged, and I've been through this a lot. A lot of heartache, pain, reddit rants, even wondering of my self-worth or attractiveness as A person, or maybe my skin color is damning me? I pretty much know when A woman is interested back or when she is just giving me her number to make me go away, and you know something? It's just lame.
It's lame how easy it is to scare A woman off, but how easy it also is to bore her and drive her away. It's like I'm doing EVERYTHING in this dynamic and I'm just getting frustrated and annoyed over it.
It's lame how much I had to learn just to figure out that I can't trust any of you at your word, but only by your actions or how much you talk about yourselves. Of course, some of you are so painfully socially awkward that it blows my mind how you have friends. But you know something? Those aren't the types of people I date.
I smile, I treat you with kindness, but for the love of murph? People will never feel safe around me enough to tell me "no" because of my skin color. Unless they are being rude, callous, or attempting to sound stuck up. To which I have to respond with A smile, and A shrug because that makes me less of A man or A monster if I don't, plus I don't like being angry.
No REALLY, I don't like giving into my anger over A girl, to A point where I literally keep gendered slurs out of my cognition because all they do is make me angry.
I just wished that you girls and women would understand where I'm coming from whenever I come online to vent. . . But the lot of you forget that there is A person hurting on the other side of the screen, a lot of you just want to throw out the "we don't owe you anything." or "don't judge the whole gender by the-" or "maybe the problem is you-"
IT BLOWS MY MIND How women say the same thing as those boys who couldn't WAIT to tell you : "not all men" during #Metoo? Don't you think I already know people don't owe me anything or not all women? Hell, I know not all women are like this, my friend Kisha told me "no" when I asked her out and we're friends now, or that the problem legitimately is me?!?!? I know ALL of that already. That is why I improve myself, keep myself cool-headed, and keep the B-word out of my head. Because all of those things are true, but I don't need that rubbed in my face, that freaking hurts and it feels so vindictive that you feel the need to tell me this.
I have spiritual needs too! I NEED some understanding sometimes. I NEED to let my frustrations out in A safe place where I won't be judged or mocked, and I NEED to feel like giving women the respect they CRAVE and deserve is not A waste of my energy along with all of this self-improvement / dating.
I need to feel good about myself like every other goddamn person on this earth looking for happiness, and sex and you know something? It sucks that all I keep doing is getting more and more cold and emotionally aloof to get better at this.
At this rate?
I feel like I'm better off becoming A sociopathic pickup artist. At least they aren't losing emotional energy because of the opposite sex.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm just so tired. I feel like the world is just pushing down on me and I can't really push back. I do the therapy, I take the meds, I go to the programs, I try hard in school yet I still feel like shit all the time. I just want to not have every moment be an unending slog of failure and sadness. I want to be happy but I just can't
|
self.depression
|
Between sleeping all day and crying all night I'm so exhausted that I can't even begin to think about changing [deleted]
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self.depression
|
What do you guys like to do? What do you do when nothing interests you anymore? I’m so utterly bored of everything. Nothing interests me and I don’t feel any sense of novelty even when things are actually new to me.
What do you like to do? What do you do when nothing interests you anymore? Do you just keep doing what you used to like, just like a habit, and hope the enjoyment comes back somehow?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Been struggling for a few months now Over the past few months it seems like everything has gone very down hill for me. I just made the transition as a college freshman moving away from home back in September, and from there on it kinda just went downhill.
At first I was very excited because I go to a lovely school, but a few weeks in my boyfriend broke up with me, and it gave me such bad anxiety. Another guy decided to take advantage of me because I was single, now I have to see him on my floor all the time. I haven't been able to befriend anyone really, as I'm always at work or studying.
I also got my wisdom teeth out in September, and they gave me nerve damage. As 4 months later I still have altered sensation of a section of my tongue. After that I kinda fell back into depression, and my friends back home got tired of listening to it so they stopped talking to me. In November things began to look up, But as soon as I came back from thanksgiving break the transmission went out on my truck, I wiped out my savings.
When I came home for winter break things didn't get much better. My family continues to get on me when it comes to money, I try my best working 20-30 hours a week, in a toxic work environment. (Some kid at work likes to call me a toxic bitch and harass me because he prefers my ex over me, among many other things).
I need to retake a class because I didn't do so well, since I'll stay up till 5am and then get up at 7am, go to class until 2pm, then work from 3-11pm.
I'm just really burned out. I'm transferring back home next year, and I'll have to live on my own. I'm trying to go into 2nd semester positive, but I have no one that relates to what I'm going through currently. I think I might make an appointment with counseling
services or something. I sleep all the time and have no motivation, all I need is some support and to get back on track.
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self.depression
|
This isn’t for me, but for my mom, she needs to know she was a good parent, but due to some terrible things that happened to my sibling and I, she feels like it was all for nothing. She really is a great mom, here’s some of the things she did for us.
She has always been honest, even about difficult things with finances when I was a kid.
We moved almost 40 times, but she helped us not feel like the new kid when we moved, and instead helped us see it as a fresh start. It was a chance to make new friends and have new experiences that would help us grow, and we never had a shortage of friends, even with being introverted because of that attitude.
She always taught us, but never forced us into what worked for her, from religion to homework and dating.
She admitted there were different challenges to being a kid when I grew up versus when she did.
She had a rule to never punish a first mistake, but to take that opportunity to teach us what happened, an give us a second chance. It worked, because we pretty much never made the same mistake twice.
Her and my dad both made sure to spend time with my sister and I.
Both my parents told us they loved us every day at least once.
——————————
She is going to counseling and dealing with depression due to some things that happened to my sister and I that we never chose or wanted, but as a parent she thinks maybe she could have done better. I just want her to know she did good.
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self.depression
|
Is anyone else having a hard time eating? Yesterday I had a chicken salad (7PM) of which I couldn't eat (smoked weed to forced myself to eat it) and a biscuit (11PM). Today I ate an orange (around 10am) and spaghetti (8PM) of which I took three bites of and am just not that hungry. This has been going on for the past 4 days. Nausea is now coming into play in the mornings (I'm not pregnant, on bc, even took a test)
I'm getting worried and have been trying eating light to get myself to eat but every time I have something bigger, I give it to a family member or eat a couple of bites and don't touch it. =/
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self.depression
|
I keep reaching for any reason to continue but everything I find keeps on disappearing. Hey SuicideWatch. Its me again. I'm still alive despite thinking I was going to kill myself yesterday. I've been talking to my mom over the weekend over the phone. Hearing her voice has made me too scared to kill myself because I know what it'd do to her. Now here I am again. I have run out of things to say. I want to die. Life has turned me into a bitter, horrible person. I want to justify it with all the shitty horrible things I've had to suffer through. I shouldn't. Life is going to catch up with me. Sooner or later they're going to realize what I'm doing and I'm going to have to pay for it. Vague I know. But if I do kill myself and they find my post, they'll know what I'm talking about. I guess my posts here are turning into a journal of my final thoughts. If you're still here reading my post, sorry for wasting your time. There has been nothing substantial here. How pathetic of me to think that a stupid forum on the stupid internet would help stupid me in any way. I don't know. I suppose writing my thoughts feels good. Maybe it's just complaining that feels good. Its the only thing that does anymore. Mom, I love you no matter what. Don't be sorry for me, or sad when I'm gone. I wasn't happy in life, so please don't mourn me in death. I'm with Jonny now. You were a fantastic mother. You're the greatest person I know and you deserve more than this awful world has given you. I hope someday God will give you all the wonderful things you deserve for you deserve the world. I am sorry for being a terrible son. You didn't deserve how I treated you. Goodbye mom. Maybe someday I'll see you again, and maybe I'll be a better person.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate Korean Culture 1. Why do you support vanity so much? It’s almost to a stupid level. A person’s appearance has nothing to do with who they are or their qualifications, yet it is almost revered to a god-like status.
2. Everything is so backwards, from the overt racism and nationalism without trying to change to the suicide rates
3. I hate the fact that it’s acceptable to drive people into 14hr work days
4. Why do all kdramas leave me with a bad taste in my mouth because it implies that all women are gold diggers
5. Women are more than their appearance or weight or demeanor, but it really seems that Korea does not know what basic feminism is
And likely if I was ever to address these issues to a Korean, they’d accuse me of being anti-patriotic, then ostracize me. Literally there’s almost no chance for Korea to evolve if they can’t even discuss their own problems.
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self.offmychest
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Vocational Rehabilitation - Gov program I urge you to check out First, here’s the link:
[U.S. Dept of Education - Vocational Rehabilitation](https://www2.ed.gov/programs/rsabvrs/index.html)
If you have a verifiable Disability covered under the ADA ... and whether you have a job or not ... the vocational rehab can help. It’s federally and state funded.
It’s not amazing, where they throw thousands of dollars at you. But, they provide a shit-ton of help.
Some of the things they do:
- Provide discounts and funding for transportation
- Provide funding for additional education
- Provide funding to pursue a new career.
- Help with resume
- Psycholgical and cognitive assessment tests
- Results showing recommended fields
- One-on-one with a gov employee that helps run through different programs they have with schools and/or companies that get federal grants.
If it’s helped others as much as myself, let me know. I don’t want to bother the mods asking for a sticky or sidebar, unless it’s worth it.
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self.bipolar
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Fucking my boss. I thought he liked me. Maybe he did, at the beginning. It got sour and difficult v quickly. If I had any self respect, I would tell him to fuck off and not sleep with him anymore.
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self.offmychest
|
Yeah. Help? I'm sat awake with alcohol at 5.30am GMT. I'm cried out. Convince me not get a knife. Samaritans not replying. Assessment today at 2pm. Help me last that long.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Broken I do too much for the people who don’t deserve it. I love too hard. I care too much. I miss him but he doesn’t give a fuck. Im not being considered as a priority. Im always being ignored. I pour my heart out to him but he does care. I constantly think about our memories and the times we’ve spent together and no matter how hard i try to forget about them no matter how hard I try to keep my mind somewhere else it always seems to make its way back to our memories and everything that’s connected to him.I feel so lonely and beat down just worn out. I’ve dealt with so much mentally. Im tired of being disrespected. I was too nice in the beginning and now I’m being taken advantage of. I feel like I’m being manipulated and I’m just so lost, confused, depressed, anxious.. and I don’t know what to do. I’m so stressed out and sometimes I just wish and hope to God my life will be taken from me soon because I don’t want to deal with this pain anymore. I don’t want to live with my anxiety or depression anymore and the fact that I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life makes me want to die even more. Sometimes I wish something would happen to me just to inflict emotional pain on him and make him live with regret for the rest of his life because of how much pain he’s put me through. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t love me. I don’t have anybody else.. no friends, just him and my parents. I feel like everything I’ve held close to me is disintegrating right before my eyes. Im just so hurt and Im so tired of the shit. Im tired of being disrespected, not being prioritized, not being valued.. I’m just tired. He doesn’t understand me either I try talking to him about things but he never understands how I feel.. it’s always “you’re overreacting” “you’re making it a big deal” “you’re a baby”. I hate how things change. I hate how we don’t talk anymore. I wish I never met him. I wish I wasn’t so in love with him and I wish I never would’ve fallen in love because love really fucks with your head. I’ve been going thru a lot and my heads just been in a fucked up place and idk what to do, how to get myself out.. I’m just so lost and stressed out. I hate life. I hate love. Fuck everything man..😪💔
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self.depression
|
I have never taken drugs in my life. Nothing else explains how I'm feeling now. #Tell me if this is strangely structured, then I'll try to edit it to make it clear. I just want to be understood#
I am 'fine' 98% of the time. If I have depression, at those times neither I nor anyone else can tell that.
The other 2% splits into two parts. The first part is the nice part. I feel mellow in a strange way. The thought of not being here anymore comforts me and I know that eventually everything will be okay. I feel reassured. I feel happy and bordering on euphoria.
The very last part turns into living hell. The mellow feeling becomes bit by bit more dreadful. The spasms start. I get very hateful thoughts about myself instead of comforting ones - over time, they turn to being targeted at my family and father and mother instead of me. Sometimes the spasms devolve into a weird guttural breathing. I can't explain it.
At that point I usually get away from everyone and retreat to myself. I get thoughts blaming myself. I have different conversations play out in my mind, it's different kinds of advice that people have given me over time. I'm aware that these conversations are only in my mind and that I am creating them. They are very frustrating because it makes me feel that it's different people worrying for me instead of just myself.
When I'm in one of those states, I just freeze. A lot. Sometimes it takes me 5+ seconds to answer a simple question ("what's the time?").
My movement is strange. I stumble around almost like I'm drunk, with the exception that I always manage to land properly and coordinate myself when I *really* have to. Sometimes a weird limp develops, which makes my mind accuse itself of just pretending. I get repetitive movements and random hand-wavy motions, think sorcerer casting a spell. I also brace myself suddenly, as if about to throw a punch. The strange co-ordination loss seems to last from 4 to 8 hours.
Then I turn a bit violent towards myself. It's not the kind of self-harm that I often hear about, mine is a bit more head-related. Usually I start beating myself on the head with my fists and this brings about instant calm. Not healthy, but works. Once I smashed a plate over my head, it was more dramatic than painful really. When I was in psych I used to ease myself by slamming my head on the wall and/or door. After that, I have really low energy and usually end up falling asleep.
-------
During those times, I'm still in track of reality. If you asked me what time it is, I would eventually remember that it should be about 5pm, for example. I don't really feel anyone is persecuting or following me, and nobody is pushing thoughts into my mind or controlling me. So I don't think that I am psychotic.
Usually when this happens, I start thinking that I'm just pretending, and I'm bringing all of this on myself on purpose to get attention. This blaming turns it into a meta-problem because I start thinking that I'm one of those people that makes up their conditions. Which brings on further blame and guilt.
If someone would call me during that 1% time, I would sound like I'm slightly drunk or very tired.
As much as I hate to say it, most of the time this state is 'triggered' by something else. My mother telling me that I'm wasting my life, my (now ex) girlfriend saying that I just need to sleep around, a thought that I wasted my opportunity at one of the best universities in the world, etc.
I'm not sure what is going on. People tell me "you're just overthinking all this, just relax man", or "you are going through darkness because you have lost your path to God", or "just be positive". **I feel alone.** I have never ever met anyone that goes through this. I have never seen a forum post that describes anything similar. I want someone to understand me.
-------
Thank you if you read even a bit of this.
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self.depression
|
Just failed the biggest exam of my life thus far It honestly doesn't hurt. I studied and hoped and hoped to pass, yet I still failed. I've screwed up my future. I can't cry, get mad because it doesn't even bother me or hurt me. I'm completely numb.
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self.depression
|
Happy crying at everything and obsessed with one song, but I can't remember if this means I'm going up or down. Does anyone have insight? I really should keep better track of symptoms = going up or down. I'm really confused right now because these symptoms happen pretty often, but I can't for the life of me figure out if I'm happy or headed for depression.
I think im going up, most likely. Obsession, happy crying (no sad crying and I don't really feel down on myself....) however, I tend to land in depression much more than mania. I'm already not thinking straight, hence this help post.
Honestly I just need a stable ish person, or someone who keeps better track of things to tell me the obvious because I can't see it.
Sleep is normal so far but I take 400 mg seroquel at night, so that kind of skews things. I actually slept almost all of the day today, but i haven't had great sleep in a week because l was on vacation. After something like that I usually do need a sleep day. When in full blown mania the seroquel might as well be a sugar pill though... I'm headed somewhere....but I don't know where.
Advice MUCH appreciated!!! Sorry this post is sloppy.
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self.bipolar
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My husband doesn't love me anymore, and he's right not to. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need advice
Throwaway...
Hello,
I have been dealing with depression issues for around a year now. At first, the cause of my problems could not be understood by either the professionals or family members I consulted. Then, as the weeks passed by, I had a romantic breakdown. While it was not a pleasant experinece, it was also not the cause of my depression and I felt quite unperceived when everyone seemed to think it had a big role in my psychology.
I quit antidepressants by the beginning of summer and am putting up a facade ever since September.
I thought changing my attitude, be it artificially, could result in a better outcome but it only made things worse. I feel just as lonely and sad as ever and now also tired on top of that. Being myself didn't work and now being someone I'm not is also wrecking me. While the outside me smiles, I keep remembering my past mistakes: mistakes that are not major and probably forgetten by everyone but me. I cringe and cringe and cringe at myself. I still can't get my head together like I couldn't last year but now I'm expected to because I smile. I feel like I'm too deep in this drama and have to get good, at least better really soon.
I plan to cut all my connections this summer, when I graduate from high school. I want to start a new life from scratch but I am scared the moment I remove the facade I'm going to crumble and end for good.
These flashbacks to my past mistakes reached a point where it affects my daily life now.How do you deal with anxiety issues?
To people who had put up facades before, how did you get rid of yours?
Is cutting all my connections, leaving all my friends behind, a sensible idea?
These are my main questions but I'm open for any advice. Thanks everyone in advance.
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self.depression
|
What do you do when you feel that depression takes control of your life completely? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Prozac 20mg starting out again Was off, but realized how much it actually was helping me, so after a few months have started prozac again at 20mg. (will prob increase later). But the start up side effects are really messing with me... Instead of going back to the doc and asking for 10mg to ween myself on to it, can I just do 20mg every other day?
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self.Anxiety
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Why it's so hard to find someone who will understand me? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Any Diary/journal apps recommended? I am in not a good mental space lately I just feel if I post it going to trigger some poor person.
I am paranoid that someone will read my book if I write in it or if I die someone will read it, so my ipad is locked with fingerprint.
I want to talk to someone but I don't feel like talking to someone at the same time I just feel my problems are my own no one needs to play hero on it.
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self.bipolar
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I can't stand stonewalling I hate the silent treatment. I don't know if I've done something wrong or if it's not related to me at all. The silence is deafening. I constantly think about what's going on and come up with some line of reasoning that leads to a breakup. It's definitely over-analyzing, but I internalize it just fine, occupy myself, and give her space.
A day goes by, I break and probe the situation: "I'm not mad" and while she's acting a little closer to normal I still feel something's off, and I'm not sure if something really is off or now my perception is skewed because I'm upset.
Why can't we just exchange a few sentences so I at least know what's going on? This ignoring thing is childish and drags it out over much more time than should be necessary. It hurts more than it should (including the dismissive answer), and I guess there's nothing left for me to do but wait for some nonverbal cues and try not to think about it.
Sorry for the rant, sure this will all blow over soon and I'll laugh about it later. Right now it's driving me up the wall.
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self.offmychest
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my friend cut me off and i’m a wreck. we talked nearly every day and hung out often. the last night i saw him, i texted him to see if he had gotten home safely. he opened it the next day and no response. i gave him three weeks. he’s online, i see his activity. asked him if everything was alright and he opened that too and still no response. been over 24 hours. i’m a blubbering mess. my friends keep abandoning me or stop putting effort into our relationship. i desperately need a friend right now but i have no shoulder to cry on. my eyes are red and swollen and now i have to go to work and smile at customers and act like everything is wonderful. i don’t know what i did to deserve this. something must be wrong with me....
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self.depression
|
Vacation depression?? I am not sure if I might have depression or anxiety. Maybe I have both?
I have been on vacation at home for a week. While common sense tells me I should be happy and relax, I have fallen into a deep depression. I feel guilty and anxious, like I have something I need to do urgently. This feeling stresses me out. There is nothing urgent I need to do. Why can’t I just relax and do nothing? It’s a really hard feeling to describe. I feel worthless like I need to accomplish something. I have already reorganized my broom closet, done laundry, and sanded my deck outside to prepare for staining. WTF is wrong with me. I’m not lonely or anything like that. I have a wife and kids. I just can’t get my brain to turn off and chill out. Maybe I need to smoke weed? Does that help or make it worse? Anyone else feel this way? Constant sense of urgency and guilt? It’s more than that but that’s the best way I can put it into words :(
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self.depression
|
No one is going to understand me, I’m seriously losing it! I’ve suffered from severe harm ocd for the past year and I seriously am losing my mind. I can’t take these thoughts being in my head all day anymore. I keep saying fuck it I don’t care just do it and get it over with. I feel like I’ve lost all my emotions like I don’t care anymore and I’m just going to act out on these brutal thoughts. Every time I feel a little bit of sadness or anxiousness i tell myself right after that I don’t actually feel this way and then it just goes away. I’m slowly getting rid of all my emotions by telling myself I don’t feel anything. This makes me feel like I’m just going to do it any second. I can’t even understand my thoughts anymore. I can’t tell what emotions I’m feeling and which ones are real. I’m not the loving person I used to be, I want to say I’m scared but I don’t know if I am or not. Please can anyone tell me what’s going on? I’m not even having panic attacks and I don’t even feel like I’m anxious I just don’t know what going on with me. It’s like I’m telling myself I want to do these things and it honestly seems like it’s working. I’m on the edge here.
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self.Anxiety
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Does Wellbutrin make anyone Else sweat excessively? I'm always sweaty! N matter what antiperspirant I use, it's no match for Wellbutrin. My pdoc said sweating is a side effect, but damn this is unpleasant.
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self.bipolar
|
I Proposed Tonight and He Said Yes! We've been dating for almost 5 years and today I got down on one knee with the ring and asked. I cried when he said yes. I just wanted to share this with someone since we are both kind of loners. Now we can be loners together for life! Happy New Years, everyone.
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self.offmychest
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Fuck the world The world we live in is cruel as hell, I've accepted that obviously I'd just like to point it out if you weren't aware, putting a gun to my head is strangely satisfying and I feel like blowing my brains out would be good fun at the moment, I dunno why Im feeling this, it's a weird feeling,
I feel happy yet I want so much for my brains to explode onto my wall. Help me understand myself right now please
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know how to be a real, normal person I'm dreading work on monday. I don't understand why the fuck I can't just be a professional and not bring my sad, mopey life into everything. I hate that when I drink I feel the need to confide in people about my problems that no one really even gives a shit about anyway. I don't know how to be more than my one-dimensional, sad self that somehow can't have a separate existence from how terrible I feel.
I hate this. I started taking prozac again and going to therapy but nothing is working. And here I am bringing my problems into a medium where no one wants to hear about them anyway. I'm sorry
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self.depression
|
Anyone else have experience with Lexapro? Got prescribed Lexapro after being diagnosed with GAD, depression, and panic disorder. Having cold feet about the side effects I'm reading about, wanted to get a feel for other people's personal experiences with the drug.
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else's mood tank when sick? How do you combat this? I fell ill very quickly with what seems like a flu last night and have felt horrible all day. It seems to have affected my mood and I sort of feel trapped in rumination when I'm not tossing and turning. What do you do when you're sick to both feel better and keep depression at bay? I'm really not good at self care, especially when ill so any suggestions will be appreciated. I also feel really depressed that I'm missing out on Christmas with my family.
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self.bipolar
|
Can't decide what to do tonight I feel like I need to get out of the house, but I don't really like my options... They are:
A) Go out to some bars etc. in my local college town and deal with drunk, belligerent college kids.
B) Go to the nearest major city and fight insane traffic.
C) Stay home, play video games, drink, just another night of the same shit...
Don't feel like doing anything tbh, but I know sitting around dwelling on it will probably make me feel worse. I'm sure a lot of you are in a similar situation.
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self.depression
|
I feel not brave enough to make my decision. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My sister passed a week ago She had cancer. My family is turning on each other, I was with them for three weeks. Over the weekend I took a trip with my other sister and nephews into the mountains, where she flipped out on me and threatened to leave me...or make me make my way back home. It would have taken me 1 day and 17 hours to get back to my family via bus and train. Luckily she ended up driving me back to my family but she just destroyed the little self esteem I had left. I returned to the city I live in last night and have no support system here. My brain keeps telling me that my best option is to end it all.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Wanna kill myself Not the first time, been struggling with depression since the age of 6. Turned 24 not too long ago. Thought I was finally all good, still have episodes but it's whatever, I've been dealing with them long enough that I know they will end. Same when feelings of wanting to commit suicide pop up. I don't want to share my whole life story so I'll spare the details and jump to the important bits.
A few days ago I figured out why I was depressed at such a young age, why it has increased in sophistication over the years. Then I found something out yesterday that just destroyed me. The first exacerbated my symptoms, the realization yesterday made it jump to a new level. In summary I feel like I'm a ghost, everyone else is alive but me. Even when it comes to having hobbies, everyone seems to have at least one. Or people want to feel connected and loved, or understood by others. But I don't care about wanting to feel connected, loved, or understood by others, I mastered the one on one social game and can become close friends with anyone I want. I've had close conversations with people, longest being ~12 hours long, average being ~90 minutes long. I have had more than enough of those. And my friend and family situation is good, they care about me a lot. My mom even bought me an apple turnover for Valentine's Day, bless her heart.
But no matter how hard I try, the meds I consume, the therapies I look into, the realizations I've made (I'm no stranger to self-compassion, vedantic philosophy, or non-duality. I've learned a lot of stuff, know true nature--it's all awareness, doesn't even make sense to say awareness is aware of itself, or more precisely everything is love. Even felt this with my being a few times--, and practice meditation on a daily basis. I don't believe in God, I know God, not religious though since I don't have a belief), the talks I give to myself to calm myself down when my mind jumps the gun, it all just seems to be an elaborate lie I tell myself to become convinced I can be changed. But how can that which is dead ever come back to life? Everyone else is alive but me. I'm tired of trying to become alive.
I just want to run away from everything and everyone. No more having to deal with people, in the short-term they can bring joy and happiness but in the long-term they only bring misery, they're essentially the bane of my existence. But I've got a love for everything I can't shut down (I've tried many times) so I can't bring myself to hate anything. I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I have to purposefully make myself stressed out and anxious to be compelled to get stuff done, I'm deliberately procrastinating on academic work because that rush of doing things at the last minute consumes me (like I've got a CS assignment due tonight and a CS midterm due tomorrow for a class I'm ~3 weeks behind. I'm smart enough where I'm not tripping, that's not an excuse to still do it though). I'm driven by fear and stress because if I try leting myself be driven by anything else (or nothing at all) then I just stop interacting with everything and begin retreating into myself. Even making art, something I've recently discovered, is done moreso out of compulsion than want. I find art to be boring when made voluntarily, but when I have an emotion building up pressure inside of me then I become consumed with trying to give it physical form until it explodes into a piece that captures it. It's cathartic but it's not a permanent solution, I also don't want to build up renown for this (already starting to get noticed by a few, think it'll get worse if I keep this up) so I'm thinking of stopping or destroying my pieces. I'm rambling, my point is that I don't have hobbies, even things that seem somewhat comforting.
It really hurts me for wanting this especially since it's incredibly selfish to not only my loved ones and friends, but also to my mind and body that are sincerely trying their best to keep me alive (like my cells don't deserve this, they're doing their best to make sure both of us stay alive), but I just want to end it. I thought about it and I think it's pretty much impossible to sensibly isolate myself unless if I go to someplace like India so suicide seems like the next best option. I'll do drop-ins at my university (UCB) Friday, maybe tomorrow, to get help since I'm not delusional enough to think what I want to do is in any way healthy, but the pain is just too much now.
In terms of wanting help (since I'm not one in the first place to be that comforted with words like "oh, you'll be alright hon, just hang on longer" or whatever) I'm wondering if anyone has experience with feeling dead relative to everyone else. Doesn't need to be personal, I'm also content to be pointed towards others' stories. I want to know if there are people that have felt dead--as in they see everyone being lively, having meaningful friendships with others, pursuing interests, motivated to get things done, and don't feel any of that, like a ghost whose hand passes through everything--and were somehow able to come back to life. It also really hurts me to see others have an active life because it automatically makes me question what I'm doing with my own (I'm also extremely insecure, that's a talk for another day), so I would like to hear what people have done to sincerely stop giving a shit about others' lives and comparing theirs in the process. I get it's not healthy to want to isolate myself but it's too painful for me now and just need to run, and if I can't physically do it because of how widespread our species are then I'd rather just end it than deal with it.
EDIT
Um, forgot to mention that this isn't something I've just tried over the past year...I've been trying to feel alive for a very long time now. Ever since I was very young at 6, maybe earlier, I would always compare myself to others and try to figure out what was wrong with me to be inferior. I was pretty stupid, uncoordinated, and socially inept back then, I'm none of those things now, but it fucked with my head too much and now it's incredibly difficult to not feel like shit when others are doing better or I know I can do better. Just trying to be as lively as others and failing repeatedly over the years has taken a toll on me. What's the point of trying if I can't succeed? It was stupid of me to ever think I can be like any of you.
EDIT2
Still planning on killing myself, [REDACTED]
EDIT3
Actually I can't discuss suicide methods so I had to remove most of my edit2. Summary is that I have to do more research, travel to a few places to determine which ones are ideal, logistical stuff like that. Also best way for body to decompose quickly. So I should be safe for a while, just gotta hold onto my current plan to stay sane until then.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
When you birthday is between christmas and new year Most of the people think that it would mean I could pretty much celebrate for several days and that it's the perfect timing since I'd be gifted so much.
In reality it's a day that's forgotten, and in my surroundings even by my family. Gifts? nope. Nothing. Literally a day like any other day.
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self.depression
|
I was just diagnosed with bipolar type 2 And honestly everything makes sense now. Why antidepressants wouldn't work. Why I go out and do stupid things like being a getaway driver, sleeping with random women, and getting in a car with a drunk person driving. I didn't realize that there was a thing for that.
And then when the lows hit, it makes so much sense. I thought I was just insane, now I KNOW I'm just insane.
Starting mood stabilizers soon. Wish me luck
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self.bipolar
|
Can I just vent for a minute? Bipolar disorder is so freaking annoying. Received my diagnosis 5 years ago. I was pretty stable may-nov, but then mania had to come rolling around. I slept 3hrs. I'm so frustrated its 2am wtf am I supposed to do this early in the morning? My mental health provider is a telemed NP, so I think some ambien or some benzo would probably help greatly, and she cant prescribe them. She's gonna wanna try seroquel and I am not down for being tired all the time. I refuse to go back to that. They dont understand how groggy these meds make us feel. I'm just so tired of being tired. She's been a disappointment lately anyways. It's time to part ways, I just need to do it. Her capacity to prescribe is limited which means my course of treatment is also limited, and she just doesnt get me anymore. She used to, not anymore.
I'm being so needy to the people I love I am pushing them away. So I'm trying to give everyone space and it makes me feel so alone. ... it's eating me alive.So I've been waking up at 2am every morning wtf am I supposed to do so early?I cant hit anybody up. I dont wanna do something too mentally stimulating. I dont wanna exercise, I can do jack shit, but i'm disabled I dont work, I do plenty of jack shit. ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRR so frustrated.
I absolutely hate the solution to this is more drugs. The solution is to be tired. fuck that.
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self.bipolar
|
Please help, I feel like I'm going insane! My thoughts are killing me [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Hiding from your employer that you're in therapy I've been able to keep my once/twice weekly therapy appointments quiet for years by having them during my lunch hour or after work. Unfortunately, thanks to scheduling changes on my therapist's end, it's now much more obvious to my coworkers when I'm not there. I gave my boss a heads up, using the "physical therapy" white lie, and he was understanding -- but he then said "and it's temporary anyway, these things get better in a matter of weeks." Hahaha...right...
So in about 6-8 weeks, the fact that I'm still disappearing on a regular basis is going to start raising questions. I'm considering finding a new therapist if I can't change the schedule to something more discreet by then, but I really like the one I have. And I know I can rely on the ADA and HR to get an accommodation for this if push comes to shove...but having my boss/coworkers know that I have an unspecified-probably-pretty-serious medical condition feels like it would have a pretty negative impact.
Anybody got clever, innocuous excuses for being late to work or needing to step out for an hour once or twice a week, every week?
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self.depression
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Is this depression? I don't know if this is the right sub or not but I feel the need to vent, or at least write my thoughts down somewhere.
Basically I had a friend of 15+ years visit me (I moved away about 3 years ago) for 4-5 weeks. His stay was over and he flew home 3 days ago. Since he left I've felt like utter shit, not wanted to do anything, called in sick at work. Struggling to do basic things around the house and can barely sleep.
He's the closest thing to a brother I've ever had and it fucking sucks not having him here, it feels like a goddamn breakup.
How am i suppose to deal with this? I don't know where to start.
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self.depression
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Real talk time. I'm at the breaking point. I feel like giving in and going to a doctor is going to make me weak. I'm not emotionally weak at all. I function normally unless I have some abnormal pain. Then health anxiety kicks in and I start to panic a little.
I've been doing good at controlling this for a while, but I'm tired of fighting. I just want it to go away.
I miss being a kid. Kudos to anxiety being passed down in the family.
I honestly have a fear I'm going to die soon almost everyday. I constantly find myself thinking that my parents are going to outlive me because these pains are secretly something serious.
Despite the hospital taking several tests and telling me I'm healthy (well, as healthy as an overweight person can be), I still panic.
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self.Anxiety
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What happens when you go to the hospital? I'm really upset right now but it doesn't feel like a panic attack usually does? And i'm getting weaned off my meds because the doctor says they're decompensating or something and I won't see a proper psychiatrist to change them until January. I was doing so well and i had a job and i moved out and I could go outside without panicking but the past few months everything is going bad again. I'm off work for a month because i can't handle it, which made my boss upset with me, so i can't imagin egoing back.
I've been really down and i don't want to die but i just keep thinking about how good of an idea it sounds and i'm trying really hard not to hurt myself even though it makes me feel a little better. I called a crisis line and they said that i should either go to the hospital or somewhere with someone to watch me but I can't inconvenience my mom. She'd make me go home and wouldn't let me live alone anymore if I did something stupid.
But the hospital is scary and waiting times (canada) are really long and would they even be able to help? I took ativan but it didn't help at all. The only thing I can really remember about the one time i was taken to the hospital was being taken to a cold white room with chairs and tables chained to the floor, but even then they didn't do anythingnto immediately help?
I don't want to hurt myself please give me advice
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self.Anxiety
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tired of feeling like i’m wrapped in a damn lie [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Today's my birthday I was at the museum, had amazing chinese food and got Kindle as a gift (I love reading).
Last year and two years ago I was just lying in bed all day, staring at the walls.
If only these three people I considered the closest acquiantances just said happy birthday to me, it would be the perfect day.
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self.depression
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