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I don't think I can finish school I'm in my third year of high school, and I only have 6 of the 24 credits I need to graduate. After several suicide attempts, I ended up missing a huge amount of school, which was sort of low on my priority list at the time. I'm thinking about getting a GED, but I've been told by many that its a bad idea. I don't want to just sit through my classes if I'm just going to fail anyway. I spend most of my periods sitting in a bathroom stall. I think I'm ready to check out.
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self.depression
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Just Need Someone to Talk To I've thought about committing suicide in the past, now that I live on my own I could actually do it with relative ease, one of my neighbors actually offered to sell me a gun the other day because he's moving and can't bring it with him. I just wish I could have someone to talk to help calm me down.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am going to lose everyone. I can't stop being a fucking hot-head. I lash out on everyone for the dumbest reasons and later I realize that it wasn't such a big deal after all. I can't stop myself and it sucks so much. I am going to lose everyone I love. I tried talking to my dad about this and he said it was a symptom of depression. Which, yes, it's no secret that I struggle with depression. My mom doesn't care enough to get me therapy because she claims I fake being mentally ill for attention. So... therapy is out of the question. I've been off my meds for about a month too. God. I just want to die so I don't have to deal with this shit anymore, you know?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Suicidal ideations can be scary, almost surreal Note: I am not actually considering killing myself
...but...
I own a .22 handgun. When I'm home alone I sometimes think about how quick and easy it would be to grab my gun, put in the clip, safety off, cock the gun, put it up against my head, pull the trigger, done.
Then I can imagine my parents coming home and finding me in my room, unresponsive, bullet in the head, blood, no longer in this world, gone forever. They would be completely devastated.
The main reason it's so scary is because, unlike most other methods, a life can change within seconds; it will be no more. It might be weird, but just thinking about it makes my heart race.
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self.SuicideWatch
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For the first time I'm truly fighting myself on whether to get it over with or not. This is a long post I've had depression since high school, anxiety since I was a small child, and officially diagnosed with bipolar in summer of 2014. 2014-2015 was rough because the antipsychotic meds were causing horrible side effects that my doctor wouldn't believe me about and only changed my meds when I wouldn't stop "complaining " and when the second one caused me to have a seizure and break my hand he stopped cold turkey. This made everything worse as I wasn't being treated for the anxiety or depression yet, I was only on a mood stabilizer that doubles as an anti seizure med, and I was just taken off a med that were keeping my hallucinations at bay. I began cutting more and more mostly because of the paranoia, emotional pain, and voices telling me it was the right thing to do. It led me to seriously considering suicide but a part of me was always too scared. I'm in a state now though where now I have everything planned out. I'm home alone for at least 3.5 more hours but I think I'll be found before I die, so I'm okay with waiting until tomorrow morning where I'll be home alone all day. I have a full bottle of 500mg of naproxen that I can take but I read that it will cause organ failure leading to pain before death so I was thinking of just downing all my klonopin a little before hand to make me drowsy and drift to sleep or at least maybe make the pain more bearable. I took 4mg of klonopin a little bit ago and I know it doesn't sound like a lot but considering they begin you normally at .5 mg it is. I also haven't been taking it consistently so I feel it'll have an even more added effect. I feel tired and my heart is kind of racing but at the same time I feel content. I'm a burden on my family and since I'm 25 I won't be on my family's insurance after August. I don't want to be relapsing my whole life and don't want to burden my boyfriend and family anymore than I have. I know they'll be sad, my mothers father committed suicide when I was younger so I know she of all people will be able to get through it. My dads sister also committed suicide a couple years ago so I know he will too. Everyone gets passed the pain of losing someone so I'm not really worried about the pain I'm causing. I can only worry about my own pain both physically and mentally.
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self.SuicideWatch
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nobody wants anything i have to offer i just sit here, quiet and alone, all by myself, all day, every day, waiting for nobody who will ever come, because all anybody wants from me is absence.
i keep well enough company with silence, and loneliness, and woe and despair - but sometimes, all the time, i wish i had people in my life. who cared, who found me interesting and loved me. i've never had that, and it often times feels like i never will.
i go through the motions, sometimes, surround myself with other people's presence - but mostly i feel like an imposition. mostly i feel like they'd rather i be elsewhere - or else*one* - like anybody but me would suffice. i feel all alone, even in the rare circumstance i'm surrounded by other people, and the only time i *don't* feel that way's when i've got an adequate distraction - like everything i've ever done's been some manifestation of habitually chasing yet another escape.
i'm restless but i lack the energy to move - i've got a restless mind, but lack anyone to express anything to, so i just keep it all to myself, which is probably for the best because none of it means anything anyway, i'm just so fucking crazy about everything, all the time.
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self.depression
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I just can’t be bothered living anymore Sometimes I feel like I’m literally just too lazy to live. I’m in debt not a lot but some I’m engaged but don’t think we’ll afford the wedding I want or a honeymoon we live with his parents I’m unemployed and I just don’t enjoy life. I just can’t be bothered dealing with life there’s no point. I just don’t want to wake up.
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self.depression
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Am I gonna be okay? I have depression for about 4 years now and it’s just get worse. I’m an international student and I’m currently a 1st year student in the US. I liked it here, it’s better than my home country. I thought when I moved to another country I would feel better but i literally feel nothing.
I don’t even know what I can’t feel...it’s just a deep void of nothingness. I did make friends but whenever I’m not with them I feel like they don’t really like me and the reason why they still hang out with me because they don’t wanna be racists, it’s probably not true but just the thoughts of it made me wanna cry. I’m trying to fit in right now by drinking underage and smoking marijuana and sometimes I try too hard to fit in I end up being awkward and I have this feeling that the guys in my dorm can tell that I’m trying too hard to be cool. I started drinking at like 15 because alcohol helps me forget reality and I don’t think drinking alcohol at a young age is cool by any means, to me it means that I have a problem. The fact that college freshmen think drinking alcohol is cool sounds a bit odd to me but again who am I to judge.
I always felt like I’m being judged by everyone for my appearance. I’m a 5’5 18M and I constantly feel ugly af, every time I looked in the mirror I started to feel worthless how can a person looked this weird. I’m really insecure about my body. Ever since I moved to the US, my eating and sleeping habits changed dramatically in a negative way, I gained weight and I started staying up late, I can’t sleep because my brain keeps attacking me.
I wanted to see a therapist but I’m afraid I might not worth his/her time since I always feel like I’m not good enough for everything. I don’t deserve anything...I don’t wanna take medication because it’s kinda expensive and I’m unstable financially, I just got a job offer because I lied on my resume and I think it would not be long until they know I lied. I just wanna drink alcohol until I passed out every night. My old friend from high school told me to talk to my parents about this and how the fuck Can I do that when they’re one of the reasons why I’m in this shitty state in the 1st place.
I have thought about ending my life many times, in fact I’ve only gone 2 days without thinking about suicide but I can’t do it...if I die who would pay off my parents debts. The last thing I would do before I died is to leave my parents with more things to worry about. I can’t die yet...not until I pay all my debt, but if something bad happens to me then I won’t care at all, cancer? Get shot? Get hit by a truck? I don’t mind if someone else end my life.
I crave physical touch, I want love, I want that feeling when you’re in love again. I only experienced love once and I was young, so that’s mean I’m still a virgin. What a fucking loser right? I do watch porn and I masturbate quite often but now I feel numb when watching porn, it’s just made me feel more insecure about my penis. Now I watch couples cuddling in bed or cute couples moments and cry because I know that I will not know how that feels. I remembered one night I was repeatedly listening to this beautiful girl saying “I love you” and cried myself to sleep. I’m so desperate that whenever I saw a cute girl while walking to class or on the street I start fantasize about my life with that girl.
I can barely made it through the day every day but I’m still here unfortunately. What I do is I’ll watch stand up comedies and browse memes whenever I can. My favorite comedian right now is Mark Normand and I think you guys should check him out sometimes.
I think I should end my rant here, it’s too long to read anyway I wouldn’t be surprised if you guys hate it. I lived in Cincinnati, Ohio and if anyone want to talk, just hit me up and we can talk about anything cause I also need somebody to talk to.
Thank you for your time and I really appreciate the fact that you made it this far. It’s 4:32 am on Tuesday. I don’t see the point in life and I seriously don’t think my life will get better. I have been subscribed to this subreddit for 4 days now and i took all my guts to post this here to look for help
P.s: I’m sorry for my English since it’s not my mother language. I’m also sorry if my post creep you out, just report it if you feel so.
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self.depression
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If I had a gun, I would have done it tonight I've been struggling with depression for a while. A recent breakup kind of triggered it. Last year, I had a massive breakup, after a decade-long relationship, from which I probably never really recovered, before jumping on this new relationship.
This is not even the worst I've felt recently. There's almost a calmness about it now. I just can't see a way out. All things that I haven't done over this depression period have piled up and now the pile is about to come down. I can't burden my friends and family with my horrible mood and constant whining self. I tried my best, but I don't know what to do anymore.
I kind of need a miracle, I guess. Something that would make things be different when I wake up. But I don't even believe in miracles. I don't take these words or this post lightly. I didn't want to bother anyone over here. But I need to tell someone that I really would have done it tonight if I had a gun. I really would. And this is horribly scary.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Day by Day I'm back to taking it day by day. I had my meds managed great for a year and didn't have any strong episodes, depressed or manic. Through some major stressors on top of that and I'm back to not being able to control my mood at all. Tried to get in conctact with my doctor about it and the best they could do was move my appointment up a bit. Still too far out. And my therapist is out of town for a month so none of that either. It's back to disrupting my work life, my hobbies and my relationships. That taste of normalcy was too good to be true. I just needed to vent and I'm sure you've all experienced that before. Any tips for getting through a rough patch until you can get to a doctor? Probably amixed episode.
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self.bipolar
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why should i try anymore why should i try anymore everyday i wake up and i distract myself from realising that my little sister will always be better no matter what that it would be better for my mom and my sister if i would die cause than my mom can give her more etc
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self.SuicideWatch
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2nd Semester Progress! Its the start of the second semester, and I have made some progress as far as taking care of myself and everything I have. It's hard to describe, but I started taking part in self-care; Meditating, taking meds, showing, cleaning, etc., etc. and ever since, I feel better. Not *good*, but better.
I just wanted to remind everyone reading to take anything that they need to take, shower if you need to, make your bed, practice breathing, just do **something**. And if you can't, that's OK! It took me a couple of months and a bunch of therapy to start practicing it!
Good luck everyone, and a happy new year. C:
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self.Anxiety
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What would others people's life be like if I committed suicide? I imagine between not very different and even better that it already is. My family would have no one annoy them, and be treated to a nice, quiet household, without a single interruption. My friends would be the same; not being annoyed by me saying, "Hey, check out this meme!," and there would be no blatant stupidity or distractions in the classroom. For me, it would be nice to let other have a happier life and get rid of this despair I call life. No more mental illnesses, no more worry about if I fit in or not, no more me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do any of you guys subscribe to(follow) r/wowthanksimcured ? [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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How should I deal with seeing my ex on tinder? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don't know what to do :( So I do high school online, and with online school you can take more than the required five classes for each year. I ended up taking two extra classes thinking that it would be easy... and it hasn't been. Right now, I have two days left to finish everything and it's looking like I'm not going to be able to finish one of these classes on time. It's too late for me to withdrawal from the class and I've been having anxiety attacks over it all week. What should I do? I can't ask my mom for advice because I don't want to feel like a disappointment to her and I'm too scared that I'll seem like an idiot to the counselor. So here I am... ;-;
I guess I should mention I'm a freshman and the class is French.
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self.Anxiety
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Bad therapy experience. [rant] Who can relate? I just need to get this off my chest and maybe y'all can relate. I've had a bad run of it with a new therapist recently, also wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences.
Basically, I saw this therapist three times. The first time was an intake appointment so there wasn't actual therapy happening, but right off the bat I got a weird/bad vibe from this therapist. I told myself I'd give her a shot though because we hadn't had an actual session yet. And the next session actually went ok somehow.
But the third session. Oh my god.
Have you ever walked into therapy feeling not too bad, like you have a few worries you'd like to address but that over all things are going pretty well, and then walked out freaking out over a mile long list of new issues you hadn't even thought of as issues before? No? Wait, you mean that's not how it's supposed go? Well someone better tell this therapist that.
From the first thing I said, she was questioning me - and not in a "what does that mean for you/how does that feel?" kind of way, but in a, "yeah, but here's why that's just an excuse for not dealing with X" kind of way. She undermined everything I said. She brought my (very strong, healthy, supportive) relationship into question multiple times, implied that my partner (who she's never met) and I are co-dependent, that everything I do depends on her, and asked if she (my partner) "just wants to do nothing" because she doesn't like to be busy on her less-than-one-day off a week. She told me we need to do things more separately. Literally I'm in the arts and she's in law enforcement. Our careers and passions couldn't be more different. We just enjoy the time we get together and like to be a team. Which apparently is bad.
She also told me that me beating myself up for not getting things done is just an excuse to not get things done. Which would maybe have some validity to it if it weren't the thing I'm LITERALLY THERE TO ADDRESS.
She asked me so many repetitive, leading, aggressive questions that at one point she had me in tears about doing dishes. Honestly.
She also kept bringing up the fact that I don't have my driver's license (whoops shouldn't have told her that) as though it's the driving (heh, no pun intended) problem behind everything in my life, even though I never said it was. It is, in fact, a huge source of shame for me, but not much of a practical issue as I live in the city and can bus most places, and when I can't my girlfriend is more than happy to give me rides places (the therapist at one point asked if the gf gets frustrated with me for not having my license - just out of the blue, no prompting. Why??).
It felt like "gotcha" therapy. Like everything I said would a) immediately be called into question as to its veracity and b) be used as a way for her to point out a problem I didn't think I had.
The worst part was, I walked out of there believing her. The first few minutes of my walk home I spent terrified that everything in my life was wrong, I was a bad person, and my relationship was falling apart. I walked the whole 30 minutes home. Thankfully I've had enough therapy in the past to know that's not how good a session, even a hard one, is supposed to go. I spent the walk unravelling all the crap she'd pushed me into believing, and by the time I got home I had more or less decided to find a new therapist.
A good phone call with my mom and talking with my gf and my best friend helped confirm that this therapist is the problem, not me. I decided to ask for someone else from that clinic because they're nearby and take my insurance. You'd think the story would end there, right? Wrong.
I emailed her to say I don't feel comfortable with her and want to see someone else at the clinic (she's my only contact there so I didn't have a great way to not go through her). And she responded by asking if I would be willing to do a final session ~~to tell her how I felt and so she could recommend someone.~~ So I would have to tell her to her face what happened and so she could probably question and twist it and make me feel bad.
I told her no. Guess what. She got mad. She said "well a final session is usually how therapy is ended, and I'm not sure how to recommend someone to you." Like I didn't have a choice.
She sent another email like an hour later saying she'd forwarded my information. So whatever I guess. I'm still reeling from this whole thing. Honestly some of the things she's said to me remind me of the red flags I missed with my manipulative ex who eventually started harassing me. Which is insane for someone who's supposed to be a therapist.
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self.Anxiety
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Please use modmail! Think a post or comment breaks the rules? Use mod mail and include a link!
Have another issue? Use mod mail!
It's hard for me to check reports on mobile. We do not get notifications for reports.
Thanks guys!
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self.bipolar
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“Monkey Mind” A Memoir of Anxiety I was suggested this book by a therapist over a year ago and finally got around to reading it. It’s extremely relatable and certain parts had me actually laughing out loud. I’m not big into the whole self help book thing (which this totally isn’t, but if you’re into that, i don’t judge). This is just an incredible articulation of what it’s like living with anxiety.
Thought maybe another anxiety sufferer out there would enjoy it as much as i do!
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone feel the same way? I hate reality. I hate people. Most of them are either assholes or hypocrits. Many of them are drunkards, junkies, thiefs, generally a human scums which shouldn't be alive. There are also pathological families with children who are forced to live with these assholes. If Ihad any power over this I'd fucking make test for a license to have a child and then regular controls for every young pairs. Same with the human scums, I'd just kill every single junky, drunkard (my mother's one and I no longer can stand the sight of her being drunk) etc.
Not to. Mention every people in need from poor countries. They're often hungry and without medicines and there we go in uk some junky probably just wasted a months worth of food for them without batting an eye.
It's hard to accept this unfairness. I can't not give a fuck and live ignorant to what's happening around me. I keep thinking about this things and why I can't be a hypocrit and egoist as the rest of the people I know.
I can't enjoy life not to mention that I've got some chronic headaches and clinical depression which only make everything even worse.
I'm 24yo virgin and never had a girlfriend and it doesn't seem like it's going to change anytime soon.
Even if it had I doubt I could keep a relationship going the way I am now.
I'm concerned about dragging along some innocent person who enjoys life.
I'm anxious af, I only go out to work and to buy some food and stuff. I'm scared for going out and talking with people. I spend an hour a day just to make sure I've closed all windows and door. My doctor doesn't seem to give a fuck about me. When I asked for some basic tests and xray she said that they're too busy for that.
I'm thinking about killing myself using hellium gas and plastic bag.
I've tried taking some antidepressants but the don't seem to work and after a year of testing different ones I've had enough.
Before I do anything, I was wondering if any of you feel the same way.
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self.SuicideWatch
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can i talk a little? [a spill of insecure thoughts] [deleted]
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self.depression
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Noy to be an idiot but Anyone else start to feel manic after listening to certain songs? like you're chillin and feeling like shit and then you hear a song and mania immediately kicks in?
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self.bipolar
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Sometimes, pulling a trigger is easier then crying... and why that should scare you. I went to the gym this morning, got a good workout in, but I did not bring my phone. I forgot it at home, you see. No worries though I dont use it during the gym session. As I was sitting in the Sauna, my mind was going. Nothing special really, more like emotions boiling and starting to surface.
I go to the hot tub and soak there, but the emotions kept boiling. Tool a long shower, but again, the emotions kept getting hotter and hotter. I sat on the bench in front of the lockers, i only have my socks and underwear on and I loose my self starting at the floor between my legs. I did not even know that it happened until someone in the locker room asked me if I was alright. Apparently I was sitting like that for a while.
Finally finished getting dressed, and started walking to the car. I keep telling my self that no matter what i feel, the girls will keep me grounded. They are my reason to keep fighting, but it is still a up hill fight, until finally a single sentence keeps going though my head.
"I'm trapped in my head."
I would have called the Suicide hotline, but I didn't have a phone. I sat in my car, stone faced and zoned out with that sentence echoing over and over. Emotions, rolling and boiling, resentment, hate, anger, confusion, sadness and Rage. All of it fueling this sentence in my mind.
I finally get the car started and drive home. I need my phone, I still need to make it to work, wait I am also hungry... but I can't eat until 11.. but I did just weigh in at 321, but i am hungry... I am trapped in my mind... I can wait three hours, it is no worries, strength of will... I am trapped in my mind, maybe I should talk too... no they are busy.. but Maria may be home... Maria is stressed and we are fighting. Maria is sad too... its okay... I will go to QT and Get a hotdog...Hotdogs are good... Trapped...
I finally start tearing up as I pull into my apartment. I go upstairs and get my phone, sit down on the couch with a soft pilling and just started crying.
I don't think I was at it for long, but I did have to let it out. After a short time, I get back up, and got my god damn hotdog... okay I got 2 hotdogs... and a honey bun... and two cheese roller sticks that have a name I can't spell.
I ended up getting through it. The crying helped, but another thought crossed my mind and was snuffed out almost as quickly. A thought that honestly scared me...
Sometimes pulling a trigger is easier then crying.
That thought blazed through my mind and made me stop. My mind pulled it up, almost like it was an option, but not one to really be considered. Almost like "We always have plan Z, though we do have 23 other plans first..." Its hard to explain, but it did kick me into something close to action.
I am looking for help now. I have Depression and Anxiety, I know this now and I can look past my conditioning as a Strong Male and see that I am broken on the inside.
My daughters are my reason to keep fighting... but I can't put that kind of weight on them. I need more.. and by fucking God I will find it and push forward.
This... turned into a ramble... sorry y'all. Thank you for reading and have a good time.
If you have not seen Star Wars... do it.
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self.depression
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I think it would be really cool to start a group message with a bunch of us. I dont know a lot of people who understand whats its like. Being here was really great to me. The reddit bipolar community is really kind, i was super surprised. Anyways, if you have an iphone, lets set it up.
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self.bipolar
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I Don't Want To Be Alive I was doing better. I was. I got through the worst of things... or so I thought. I have been clean from consistent SH for months and from SH overall for weeks. The depression has been bad, but I've been fighting it. I have been doing better. Or so I thought. But now... now I feel as though I've been enveloped by a dark cloud that's trying to smother me.
I finally caught a break, finally got a change in pace, but I don't feel like it's changed anything. I'm still stuck. I'm still fighting. I'm still left wondering where food will come from, if we can pay the bills, everything. I can't find the strength to push forward, despite having an end goal (that I want so much it hurts) that is just out of reach. Knowing that it's so close, but so far away... easily obtainable, but seemingly impossible... it's not a feeling I can describe.
Everything is piling on top of itself, building up into a mountainous pile of worry and anxiety and bad... and it's suffocating me. I don't want to do this any longer. I don't want to fight every day I don't want to keep being just out of arm's reach, no matter what I do, of an outcome I want so much, of something that could truly change my life. I don't want to be alive.
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self.depression
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I've attempted 5 times this year and no one knows [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Looking for advice for my friend. He won't seek help himself. I know. Probably not allowed. But hear me out.
2 years ago I met my best friend called Samuel. We are having a blast of a time and i always like spending time with him.
Back then he told me he had a kid he never met, i never really thought much of it, until recently.
He's been getting more and more depressed and I found out he's thinking about ending it all because he never met his kid. He talked about ending it all because all he lived for was to support his kid (money) but he never met him and the girl he had the baby with never allowed him to.
Reddit, i need your advice how I can be supportive at best. Me and my friends have assured him many times that we will always love him etc.
Background:
He's 23, he had a kid on accident when he was 20 with a girl of his age. Girl never allowed him to see kid cause he was born after they broke up, and this has been fueling his depression. Kid has recently turned 3.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm in my car now at school with sleeping pills and a gallon of gas. I'm gonna crash my car into the highway without a seatbelt in about 10 minutes. I've said my last prayers, asked for forgiveness, and I'm ready to go home. I'm writing this instead of a letter so it's preserved online forever. Mom and dad if your reading this, thankyou dad for always being caring and understanding. Thankyou for introducing me to movies and music and for talking with me whenever I needed to. Mom, in my last thoughts, you never really lived up to much. I don't think you were made to be a parent. Clay thanks for being a good young brother, don't do what I did. I'm mentally ill and just want to escape from it all. All my grandparents, but especially Nana and Papa, thankyou for being great grandparents and always knowing how to make us happy.
My friends and teammates, good luck in your lives wherever you go and I hope it goes well.
Deric and Seth, my closest friends, thankyou for always being their for me. You guys are the best friends I could've asked for and I wish I had more to say.
Mark, my counseler, I haven't known you long and I know I was always awkward talking with you, please continue wirh what you are doing. Your great at your job.
Everybody else I didn't mention, the police or detectives reading this as my last note, I've hid alot of stuff in my life, stuff that would get me in a lot of trouble. Please don't see that as the only thing I've done. I'm a really complicated person with a twisted perception on reality now. It would take a miracle to stop me.
To all the people who have treated me bad in my life, fuck you all. We're all just a speck in the universe anyways.
I'm gonna go out smilling with tears in my eyes. I'm scared and excited, I don't really know what's come over me. I was okay last night but when I woke up, I don't know it's just this strong, strong, painful unbearable conviction to end my life.Gggggggggggg Edit** It has been about 5 days since I wrote this, and I am alive. I lost my phone in the accident, I'm using my PlayStation. Until I get a phone or computer replies will be difficult. Im gonna keep the story short until I get some easier way to communicate. After I wrote this, I went through with my attempt. I called 911 on twhile I was driving on a highway and they alerted a cop who was on his way home. I was pushing 100 swerving in and out of traffic. As soon as I saw his lights come on I crossed the center median into oncomming traffic trying to hit a semi. I lost control of my vehicle and rolled twice into a ditch, through a fence on the other side of the road. Apparently, there was a dead deer laying their and its antlers prevented the vehicle from rolling any further.I dont know how I got out and I walked over to the cop with my hands held high. He sat me down and talked with me and shortly there after I was transported by ambulance to the nearest hospital. I saw my vehicle and their was such a small chance of me surving, the passenger would have been dead. When I can Ill upload a picture. I was then transported by helicopter to a different hospital to be looked at. I had no major injuries except a small gash on the left side of my head and a possible mild concussion I still need to get looked at for. The accident happened Wednesday morning and Thursday night i was moved to a medical center for troubled teens where i had therapy sessions and counceling for suicide, depression and to develop coping skills. I was released about 4 hours ago.
Edit** Thankyou for all the comments. It feels nice knowing that so many people care. I love you all.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Flying soon but Ativan is not helping Edit: I did it! I flew. 2mg Ativan the night before the flight, 1mg to sleep, then I woke up and dragged myself to the airport with a supportive partner. That was difficult because I was off Ativan. Finally, I ate 2mg before the flight (1 hour) and 0.5mg after 5 hours.
Hi everyone! I am long-time lurker. I am really happy I have found this sub because it is not easy to communicate my feelings with people who do not have anxiety issues.
Background story: I took Ativan before (1.5 mg in total) when I had a panic attack after the take off on a 5h flight. I remained fully awake but I no longer cared about being so high up in the air. It was indeed a magical pill at the time.
Fast-forward to now: I am supposed to fly soon and I took Ativan (1mg) yesterday and today hoping to be able not to care about going to the airport, getting the ticket, and boarding. However, I still really do not want to go (the flight is the day after tomorrow). I am still convinced the plane will fall and yada yada, catastrophic thoughts running around my head, just a bit slower after taking Ativan.
I have 3mg left and I am afraid that it won't be enough for a 5.5 hour flight since after taking 1mg a day I am still freaked out. Has anyone experienced 1mg not working? How can I convince myself to walk into the airport and actually go into the plane?
I am currently in therapy for my anxiety and flying phobia but I am just starting the gradual exposure and mindfulness exercises. However, I am in a situation where the best option is to fly right now (instead of the long long and also scary train trip). Any help would be appreciated. I feel really miserable.
As a side note, a relative of mine sincerely said "why don't you just nap though the flight?". I knew this question did not come from a bad place so I just laughed and that made me feel better for a minute.
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self.Anxiety
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My cousin is depressed and not willing to try anything to get better. Redditors who were in this place and then decided to start trying again, what was the catalyst for this change? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I can’t get over my ex, it hurts so much. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Told my boss I have a head cold but I'm actually neck deep in a depressive episode This morning I called in at work and told my manager I've got a head cold and that I'm nauseous, but she just said I have to come in because there's no one to take my shift. I do feel congested but the only reason I called in is because I feel overwhelmingly depressed and I can't even cry or get angry. My job makes me dread leaving my house, not because it's hard, but the people I work with are incredibly rude and mean. Every time I've had an outburst where I've cried they ignore me then I'm positive when I walk out the door they all talk behind my back because they all do it to each other anyways.
Okay my rant is over, I just needed to tell someone how I feel. I hope all of you fine folks have a better day than mine!!
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self.bipolar
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Why do I even bother helping others when I can't help myself? I hate myself so much. I'm so unlovable it's written all over me. It's like people can just see me and see right through me that's how flawed I am. No one wants to be around someone who is unhappy all the time, not even family nor friends. Why do I even try to help others on this sub when I can't even love myself. I can't even find contentment. I keep saying it takes time and for me it's going to be my whole life. I don't even think it's worth living anymore. I've got no one in person and I can't even love myself.
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self.depression
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I'm going to be alone forever. I haven't even come come to having a form of connection with anyone. And I'd be fine with being alone but I kind of hate myself for being so flawed in the eyes of everyone else. So this is my fate.
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self.depression
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Goodbye, new friend Perhaps I'm more invested in this than I have any right to be given the circumstances but I can't help but be a little bit sad about the way things turned out.
So I met a fellow reddit user on a different sub and after posting in a thread they created we got to talking. I thought we had a pretty good dynamic for the few days we were talking but then they said they were going to create a new account and I haven't heard back in nearly a week.
I sent a very simple follow up yesterday so as to remind them I'm still here and then today I checked my messages and as it turns out they deleted their account. What stings the most, though, is that the last thing they said to me (okay second to last) was "I'm not leaving you."
Ouch.
Edit: I wanted to elaborate a little more by saying I don't begrudge them for suddenly disappearing like that. I understand they likely have very good reasons to do so and maybe they're moments away from creating that new account and sending me a message. We all have to move on some time though.
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self.offmychest
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What physical symptoms do you get when you’re having an attack?
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self.Anxiety
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Spiritual feelings I always seem to get a feeling that I am part of some kind of energy that runs through the universe either during a phsycotic episode or just after. Has happened all three times the same feeling. It feels really intense and I get some kind of idea that I should be doing something about it (non-violent, always makes me feel connected to nature and really compassionate). I feel like I am important and protected by it. Then the stage passes and I almost completely forget about it.
Does anyone else get the same? Not similar but the exact same? I wouldn't want to use meds to suppress this if we are just waking up.
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self.bipolar
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SMI? Yesterday I applied for an smi (seriously mentally ill) designation, which is an insurance thing in Arizona that gets my mental health services covered (with the exception of inpatient and residential services, services there isn't really funding for.) I did it because my prescriptions cost me $100 a month with coupons (my insurance doesnt do nearly enough), 1 hour of counseling is $60, labs are like $35, and a 20minute appointment with the prescriber is around $85. I work fulltime for $0.50 above minimum wage while paying on my student loans so I could really use the money my mental health is costing me. I still have a lot of mixed feelings on it though, like I worry I won't get it but the label still makes me uncomfortable. Thoughts?
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self.bipolar
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I'm achieving professionally but collapsing internally and keep obsessing over killing myself and others [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm struggling today A couple of weeks ago, I decided to stop taking my meds. I had been on Cipralex for about a year, but I began to feel more depressed as time went on. I tried increasing the dosage, but every time I increased it, I felt sick.
My doc put me on Ventlafaxine (Effexor), and mentally I felt great, but the physical side effects were awful. I couldn't take it. Then I forgot to take my pills for a couple of days in a row. And on day three, I knew I wanted off. I should have gradually gone off, but I was already two days in so I said "fuck it!" And just stopped.
I don't recommend doing that. Seriously, don't do that, ever.
So I am finally free of the side effects of the medication and the withdrawal but the anxiety is back in full force. I am actually surprised at how quickly it all came back. And I'm struggling. My heart has been racing all day, like I drank a thousand cups of coffee. I'm shaky, I'm hot and then I'm cold and my chest hurts and I can't deal with life.
This week I've taken 4 Ativan and I'm probably going to take another one tonight just so that I can sleep. I don't think I've had that many all year.
Next week I have an appointment with a psychotherapist and I am really hoping this goes well and she can help this bs go away. I don't want to be on meds anymore, but I can't live like this.
Has anyone beaten their anxiety with therapy? Are there other non-prescription remedies I haven't heard/thought of?
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self.Anxiety
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It's depressing when no one wants to experience things with you Hey man you wanna go to the movies? Oh, you've already seen it with other people? Dang.
Yo you want to get something to eat/come over for dinner? Nah? Ok see you later.
Want to go *x* or explore *y*? Oh, you've been there already/went there woth someone already? Ok see you later then.
So what are you up to this weekend? Oh, can I join, I'm not doing anything. Would love to go. No? Oh, alright I'll see you later then.
Maybe I'm just taking everything too personally, which is a very difficult habbit to break out of, let me tell you. It's kind of like my brain enjoys feeling this background-contempt for other people and it makes me feel like shit for being so ungrateful for the cool things that happened in my past. Depression makes you literally forget about them almost completely and you have to painfully look at yourself in the mirror, point, and say "No. YOU are the reason your life feels empty. Maybe stop wasting time and actually DO something to become a better person!"
And then the ADHD devil pops out and says I'm doing just fine. You're gonna die anyways but that hasn't happened yet! Go ahead, play that video game! Watch that show! Take however long you want to do chores, you've got the whole day, you unemployed bastard! It doesn't matter that you haven't had a friendly conversation all month! Conversations take too much energy with no rewards anyhow, just kick back and relax some more.
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self.depression
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Stuck in an endless loop beating myself up for mistakes [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Have you ended a relationship while manic and later regretted it? My (now ex) fiance isn't diagnosed as bipolar, but I suspect it. It never occurred to me to think that our relationship, which would go so well for months and then would have a sudden two week period of intensely angry fights, was the result of bipolar disorder. We had broken up about 4 times in 3 years, always out of the blue, initiated by him, for just a few days, but this time I was tired of fighting his moods and didn't fight for it like usual. On our last day together, while doing a last sweep after packing up our apartment, he casually mentioned that his mum "is manic." He had never told me that before.
I was really caught off guard by the breakup -- we had just gone to a romantic dinner the night before, and his temper seemed out of nowhere, so after giving him a few days to 'cool off' I tried to fix it, and that's when I found out about his new girlfriend. He was screwing her within 3 days of us ending in the bed that we were still sharing at night -- Awful.
Since we split I found out he's cycled through that girlfriend and now has 3 casual ones. He's bought a car, a new computer, 2 TVs. This despite being really tight on money generally and having a bunch of new expenses since we're not splitting them anymore -- I can't think of how he could possibly be affording this besides maxing out credit cards. He's deleted all his social media, sent angry ranting texts to his friends cutting off their friendship. Right before the breakup he applied for a bunch of jobs in exotic places (he's normally sort of boring about where he'll go) and was coming up with two totally separate out-of-nowhere plans to start businesses in fields he's not skilled in. Now I'm wondering if he could be undiagnosed bipolar. It might explain the sudden promiscuity, reckless spending, maybe even the bursts of anger out of nowhere, We're in our mid 30s, so it would be late to be diagnosed.
Now that I have this thought in my head, I'm obsessed with the idea that maybe he is sick, rather than cruel, and that he might come down from his mania and want to reconcile. I could forgive everything with a genuine apology -- and obviously a promise to seek treatment.
It's been about 3 months since we broke it off. We split our stuff, moved to seperate places, and after getting sick of getting angry texts out of he blue, I blocked his number. I'm not going to contact him, he'd have to come to me. I guess I'm not looking for redditers to armchair diagnose but wondering: do people who dump someone during a manic (or hypomanic) spell come to regret it when they've come down? I'm wondering if my hope for reconciliation is actually plausible, or if Im just grasping at straws?
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self.bipolar
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Friendly uplift Just wanted to say I'm proud of the positivity and love in this group and I hope you all have a stress free and successful new year. Anxiety can be battle and no one's alone.
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self.Anxiety
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Earlier today I felt like I was on top of the world, right now I feel like I want to die. I've improved so many aspects of my life within the past 6 months, I want to be proud of myself but the anxiety is always bringing me down. Most of the time I can't figure out what it's about and if it's about something specific, I've gotten better at eliminating it with logical reasoning and other coping methods. If the anxiety will be with me the rest of my life, I sometimes wonder how worth it it is.
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self.Anxiety
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Going through the after effects of a breakup Mid 20's Male here. My ex broke up with me a few months ago a few days after our one year. She was the most serious and longest relationship I ever had. I had plans/thoughts on asking her to marry me (never bought a ring though, but was looking). We broke up due to our differences. She was more withdrawn and distant, and I am more outgoing and wanting affection and consistent communication. Also, she sometimes suffered from depression and will tell you herself that she is anti-social. Honestly, it was probably for the best that we broke up, but man it still hurts some. I thought I found the one, but looking back, I was unhappy a lot of the time because I couldn't have her around a lot,
but we made time(both live with our parents). I have heard it said that women get over break ups quicker than men, I don't know if it's true or not, but 3 months, and I am still feeling pain. I sent her a letter wishing her and her family well, and offered friendship twice with no reply. No text, no phone call, no facebook post, no nothing. She has the right, but it's just hard. I am sad today. Maybe things would be different if we were friends or at least declare each other "cool" with each other, but nothing. Another girl who wants to date me wants to be with me, but honestly, I don't think my heart has healed despite the fact that she is a really great person. Heartache sucks. I think I will heal and love again, but man...this sucks.
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self.offmychest
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Self Worth I just need to talk this through. I grew up with very few close friends. But, I have a lot of friends just not a certain squad I constantly hang out with. Now let me tell you about my sister who is a year younger, being a year apart we have same friends. She has a "squad" that I am not apart of. And ever since we were little I have had a hard time making friends. And whenever I would either get mad or say something mean to either her or my parents their go to insult was always, "this is why you dont have friends" I dont know if they know just how much that breaks my heart. A part of me believes it. Becouse no words have the ability to hurt us unless we believe them. When I make new friends, Im slightly scared of them meeting my sister becouse she has a tendency to "steal" them away. I know this is a self esteem issue but I always think, "oh they probably like her more than me". One time, she got frustrated at me and blurted out, "This is why Chris doesnt actually like you and talks shit behind your back". That hurt so bad, becouse he was a close friend I introduced my sister to. Im so tired of constantly being told of what a friendless person i am. I want to have a core group of friends, but its hard becouse I keep thinking that nobody actually likes me. Honestly its gotten to the point where Ive cut friends out becouse I didnt want to have the same friends I rant to that my sister does. My sister seems to be more likable, I just dont know why Im not. Why do I constantly feel like Im competing with her? Ive struggled with my own self esteem issues but I just dont want to feel like I am worst than my sister. I dont want to feel the need to measure my worth compared to anyone else. But that requires getting over my own doubts that I am somehow uglier and less worthy of friendship than my sister. I need to find the confidence in myself. People that dont like themselves compare themselves to others while confident people only lift each other up. sorry for the grammer issues, in a rush.
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self.offmychest
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My brain is like when you have a dozen+ tabs and windows open and you don’t know which one the music is coming from I may or may not post a rambling post later. Stay tuned!
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self.bipolar
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I feel empty but am at the same time overwhelmed with feelings [deleted]
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self.depression
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I do not care for anything that life has to offer. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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My girlfriend and I are mentally unstable. I get affected so much when she's having a depressive episode. I don't want to leave her. But honestly I just want to stop us being depressed together every week. Need advice. This is really long since a lot has happened. I'm absolutely horrible at putting my thoughts into words. But lately this has gotten so bad so I decided to ask for advice. I'm sorry if this is a bit jumbled but I'll do my best to write it.
We are each other's first relationship, so we don't really know how relationships work. We're both in university majoring in Nursing (pretty fucking stressful, my dudes). I've always been...generally not okay because I've been bullied my whole life, which had a huge impact on me even today. But if you were to ask me, I don't think my depression (I can't self-diagnose but I honestly don't think i have one) isn't as bad as when I was in high school. My mental health only got worse this year. But I was the happiest in our first months, because I always believed I didn't deserve to be happy until we met each other. School started to take a toll on her, however. The more she's stressed, the more she becomes unable to cope. At first I thought I was the one causing her depression to deteriorate, but she's always reassured me that I wasn't. She hates it when I think I'm bad for her, or I don't make her happy. It's hard not to think that when I can't cheer her up anymore. I was even the one to convince her to seek medical attention in our fifth month. It was just getting worse to the point that she locked herself in her parents room while calling me crying and vomiting all over herself. She cried for so long I didn't know what to do. On top of that I had a group project to attend to when that happened. I'm glad she finally listened to me and went to her father's psychiatrist (her father has depression too) and got help. She's taking meds now. But lately...she thinks it's not helping. During our finals she almost killed herself. We're both academically focused and grades are a huge thing for us. So finals week and my girlfriend's suicidal attempt really fucked me up before Christmas. That was the first time I completely bullshitted my exams that semester. I was just fucking numb and didn't wanted to get out of bed anymore. I didn't attempt to study hard anymore that week. It really fucked me up. My girlfriend was okay, though. Her parents caught her in the balcony before she jumped. The balcony's locked now. It's like this every week. The pattern is this: she gets stressed from school, her mood fluctuates and I try to cheer her up and fail to do so. I get affected by her emotions and we both end up crying together. And then make up. We always, always make up. No matter how bad this is getting, I always choose not to leave her. But after we make up she promises a lot that this is gonna be the last time it happens. I'm tired of this happening every week, but I'm not tired of /her/. I can't just leave her just because she's sick. I really do love her. Despite all these depressive episodes, we still have happy moments to cling on too. We've always been in a LDR since I only met her on twitter because of art stuff. We're in the same country but she lives 13 hours away from me (7 if there's no traffic tbh). Hell, she even went to where I am all by herself making up an excuse to see her friends (which is not false, she stayed at her friend's house anyway) but actually she just wanted to see me. The previous episode, she made me promise that I won't let her die. I won't. I have contacts with her siblings and on new year's eve we finally told our moms about us. They were both supportive of our relationship. We reay do make each other happy. I just want to help us both and stop these episodes.
TL;DR: My girlfriend and I are mentally unstable. She has diagnosed depression while I'm still scheduled for assessment. We're in a LDR for almost a year now. I get affected so much when she's having a depressive episode. I can't just leave her just because she has depression and the one keeping me alive. Please help, I'm such a mess.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Finally Kicked Facebook's Ass. I deleted both of my accounts from FB. I hope FB can go eat shit and die.
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self.offmychest
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I love my coworkers. Lately it's been tough dealing with customers and I feel like half of it is because my skin color and I've been feeling discriminated lately. Yesterday was the pushing point and this one interacting between a customer made me cry but I did a good job of hiding it. A couple minutes after one of my coworkers approached me and said "You're amazing, you're doing a great job" with a sincere smile on her face and it made me feel so much better. She asked how I was doing etc. Right after my feeling down all my coworkers made jokes with me and I just value that so much. I'm glad I've got such positive people around me. My last job was the complete opposite and it was fucked. I haven't been feeling loved at all lately but these very few people who I work with make me feel wanted. Have a good night everyone
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self.offmychest
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I hate myself [Porbably just Rant] Monday night 10:48 pm
I am in my bed with my computer in from of me, my room is a mess and that is one of the signs that show me something is not right, me not caring about how my space is.
In other times I will hold long conversations with myself about why I do the things that I do and what kind of person I am becoming, I am not longer like that, most of the time, I am what I am and part of that is learning to go with it.
So yeah, I feel bad and I want to talk to someone, I wish that I could talk to someone about how things don't feel right now, but I can't. I have done it in the pass and people don't get that this is just depressed me talking, looking to express because I an hardly contain all these things that I am feeling, and at the same time I know that I won't... I can't, I am on my own once again.
Me, with me, me hating me, me with me in a room full of me, and my mess, and my garbage, and I want to scream, while I am looking at this screen, i just want to hit myself and hurt myself, and somehow I am not doing it, I am struggling to keep my composture, to just continue doing something, anything that won't let me hate myself so much right now.
Why do I hate myself... no... I won't fall in that trap, it's enough that I know I hate myself and that I am depressed the rest is bias, I hate myself because my chemistry is letting me to think that, tomorrow will be another day and things may have change...
I want to drink, or consume drugs, or do something, and at the same time I don't want to move, i just want to stay here, I want to die everytime so often, and at the same time I hope for tomorrow to bring me some other me...
I don't know what I am doing, none of you will make me feel better, even if you do know what I am feeling, even if you do feel the same or even worst I don't think that I care right now, I care about me, and I know that this thing will pass, and I know that is not so bad and yada yada yada, I just wish that I could feel different and feel it easy and look at it from a distance and say "oh"
Well good luck with myself, I hope that you dream, and you change and feel glad with your pathetic life you fucking failure, I hope that you are glad of the things you have achieve which are so important and meaningful, and that if tomorrow you go out with someone you will know exactly why they don't like you.
Oh and by the way you live in a fucking fairy tale, you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing, you just live this life that you say to yourself is okay when you know it's not because you know that i fyou try to go for the one you want you will fail. So continue doing your things, with your minimum effort trashy trashy.
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self.bipolar
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Did anybody else have Hallucinations as a child but none as an adult? I haven't been diagnosed with bipolar but I'm curious to know if anybody else had hallucinations as a child/teenager but none since then?
It's bothering me a bit looking back so I wanted to post this in a "safe" place. I've not ever really told anybody about this before. Some of my childhood experiences that I put down to a wild imagination include:
- Seeing dark figure shapes walk into my bedroom. Sometimes
I could tell if they were male or female. If I recall correctly this happened a fair bit roughly between ages 9 to 12.
- I saw a fairy with gorgeous wings sitting at my study desk writing in a book. Maybe age 9 or so.
- I saw my dads car bonnet/hood open by itself and a lonesome hand stick out of it. This one scared the life out of me and I ran a away pretty damn quickly. When I walked backed later the bonnet/hood was shut. At a guess I may have been around 7.
- One night a friend tried to end her own life. When I came back from hospital with her parents I slept in her room. I saw black figures floating around the ceiling all over her room. Age 16.
- One morning after staying up all night I started seeing animals float around the room. I thought it was down to sheer exhaustion so I went straight bed.
I'm in my thirties now and haven't had any since. Has anybody else had similar experiences?
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self.bipolar
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How do depressed musicians have motivation to make music? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I hate being so unhappy... I hate how I'm here at college and everyone else has friends and my only friends from last year pushed me away. I hate how I have no motivation to anything and how activities that used to be fun now feel like a chore. I hate how this is putting a huge strain on my relationship with my girlfriend who I haven't seen for months due to being at college. I hate how it has caused us to nearly break up after two years and deteriorated to the point where I don't know if we will be in a relationship still in a week from now. I hate how I regret waking up each morning and I hate how bleak I think the future will be. I just hate how life feels worse than death at this point.
I just want to be happy...
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self.depression
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I'm depressed and I am thinking of killing myself. I am writing this to help me feel better and get a burden off my chest.
So when I was born my mom and dad already broke up, fortunately my dad still loved me and is still keeping in contact with me and I sometimes visit him, but sometimes I am scared of him, he is still a good dad though. When I was about 8 my mom got an abusive boyfriend who was also a drunkard, fortunately he wasn't abusive to me, after a year my mom finally got rid of him.
when I was about 12 my mom got another boyfriend who seems okay but I still don't like him.
So about 6 months ago my mother and my stepfather had another argument with my grandmother (mothers mother) but this time they called the police and I went to the child protection agency, after that my mother had to leave the house with my stepdad and I lived with my older brother (he's 21), and with my grandmother, that didn't make me as depressed as it should have.
The biggest cause for my depression was definitely my school (I'm 14 and in 8th grade), as I was am getting slightly bullied, don't have that many friends, and get below average grades and I don't have the willpower to do anything about it.
So I am thinking of hanging myself, the only problem is I don't know where is a good place (don't want to do it in my house)
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm going to push all my friends away from me
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self.depression
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I’m a wreck and I can’t even tell anyone. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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2017 tried to kill me In January I had just moved out of my college dorms with my abusive roommate into a house with a friend and her friend.
In February said friend ditched town, left the house a mess, and didn't pay rent along with owing me for a security deposit.
In March I lost control.
In April I had my first attempt with xanax, an entire bottle of my prozac pills, and fireball. I don't remember much of it besides the hospital.
In May I was denied to the arts program at my university.
In June my cat was hit by a car.
In July my entire friend group left me. They gossiped about me and told everyone I was crazy.
In August my roommate/close friend moved to California without saying goodbye. She also didn't pay for her dog's damages. I was also used by a guy I had a lot of feelings for. I found this out through a friend he was seeing someone else.
In September I was in a new apartment and my next best friend (that didn't turn on me in my previous friend group) was my new roommate. He slowly started just being mean to me for no reason.
In October he moved out along with moving out of our friendship
In November I realized my family hates me.
In December I realized that I have no friends. My mom has been diagnosed with the same cancer that killed my father when I was 12.
I wonder what's left.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Whats wrong with me? I honestly don't understand why I'm not happy. My life is SO much than a lot of people. 2 parents that will always have a home for me. Every day feels like a grind. I want to just sleep away they days until I have to get up to do something. But, I'm told having a good sleep schedule will help with productivity, which will help with happiness. I don't do anything remotely risky, and I don't understand why. I'm confident in the majority of things I want to do. I go over almost every situation in my mind for most things I do. Have a speech coming up? Okay. Practice. Get up there? I hate how every word comes out of my mouth. Gunna order some coffee? Practice your order. Breath. Wait. Did I say 2 shots or 3? Did she understand me? Want to talk to any other human being? Way the pros and cons of even looking in their direction before you even think about what they want to say. I looked too early. FUCK! They saw me look! Eye contact. Does that mean the wouldn't mind talking? Or are they just looking to see if that creepy dude looking at them is still being a creep. Fuck! Just look down at your book/tablet/phone/laptop and just pretend nothing happened. Spending MY OWN money is even hard. "Is it really worth it? Will I enjoy buying (X)? Maybe. But I shouldn't? Why? Because spending money on yourself is stupid. You're stupid. Just be happy. You should be happy." I'm never happy... I smile. I laugh. I have dreams. I want to be a lawyer. Not a single person I've talked to think I can do it. I just... I don't know. I walk into 99% of situation, confident. Once there, my mind fills with doubt. As if every minor movement is the wrong one. I just want to be happy, is all.
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self.offmychest
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How do you legally deal with a violent bi-polar person in your state? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else have social anxiety but act like an extrovert? My friend made a comment today where she said she thought I was a massive extrovert, but I think I use extrovertedness to mask my social anxiety. I'm pretty introverted but being introverted does nothing to help social anxiety.
Does anyone else put on a bubbly exterior to hide their awkwardness?
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self.Anxiety
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It feels like there's no way out I have PTSD from many different kinds of child abuse. I should've been in foster care, but slipped through the cracks and was stuck with abusive, volatile parents. I still am, and I don't know how to get out.
I have $124 and no job skills or degree. Minimum wage in CA is $10.50, rent is about $1500/mo. I have pets, no credit rating, have too many mental breakdowns each week to work (I've been fired/ quit my last 5~ jobs because of PTSD). Even living in my car would be hard, because how would I take care of my pets (the only reason I'm here)/ receive mail/ do anything?
I just want to die. I am afraid every single day and my doctor says I have high cortisol and am at immediate risk for heart-attack if I don't de-stress soon. But how? I don't have anywhere to go--no family, no friends in this time zone, no means of moving to the countries my BFFs live in. I hope I do have a heart attack, because at least no one will blame me that way.
I've attempted suicide three different times, but backed out every time. I wish I hadn't. I don't want to be here.
I know it's dumb to be upset about like, "I wasn't loved enough" kind of stuff, but I wasn't. My parents hate me, wish I were dead, etc. But I'm 22 and too old to be fostered now. I'm so dumb, I should've reported everything to CPS. Now I'm an adult and no one cares. No one wants to take in stray adults.
I used to be able to see a future for myself. I was going to take my $6,000 and run, but my mom took that money and now I have nothing except the $124 I have hidden under the carpet. I do own my car outright (title and all-- it was a hand-me-down), but it's not worth much. Still runs and all, but too small to live in.
I feel like I'm spinning my head in circles trying to figure out how to get out. But the realities are that I have no credit, no job skills, no money, and a mental illness that all but prevents me from working. And my therapist wants to keep going over old stuff instead of working with me to get out, which is my main stressor.
Ugh. I just want to be done.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like a total phaggot I'm utterly useless, friendless, jobless, stuck at a shitty school and I'm also phat as fuck. I do have certain goals and dreams but I feel it's just way too hard to be productive when I'm drained both physically and mentally most of the time spending my entire day overthinking about this cruel plain of existence I'm stuck in. I have 0 self confidence which obviously makes things infinitely worse. Literally the only progress I managed to realize is consistent weight loss.
Should I kill myself already?
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self.depression
|
Hi all Hey I'm can and I suffer from anxiety due to personal reasons. Always feeling like something is wrong with me when I'm with friends and I asumme the worst or overthink things I have over cone some stuff but not all of it and spend plenty of time prob too much trying to deal with them or just making myself feel worse hope you can accept me with open arms love to you all :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I dreamt I killed myself Not long woken up from a dream about me killing myself. It wasn't a gory death or anything remotely fun in that sense I was taking these bright pink pills, hundreds or them throughout my dream. Then I died in my bed.
Feel rotten being awake now , I wish death would take whats left of my being away. I dont fit in anywhere I wanna selfishly feel like I belong, like I'm wanted and loved.
being so lonely tell you what really does make you self obsessed. Bad enough my depression and anxiety leave me over thinking and worrying all the time.
I've always been awful with coping with bad news I hate to admit it but I'm good at lying to myself I know that's nothing to be proud of Im not pleased with myself.
I've always joking said I like guys with huge arms because arms can keep you safe loads of cuddles with a big pair of arms... I know I need help im not indenial but I'm past caring I feel so empty. I have no idea why I was put in this world Im not good at anything I can do decent liquid eyeliner though (lol) oh dear... *sighs*
Maybe some people aren't meant to belong here. I'm far too sensitive to keep going. Im sorry to those who are and who feel lonely. I would cuddle all of you; my arms aren't big though lol
♡
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self.SuicideWatch
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Fuck everything. Fuck everything fuck everything fuck everything. I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. The question is whether or not I can live with that.
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self.depression
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I thought about it for a while and now.. For like a month iam thinking about suicide. I put a belt around my neck but didn't push the chair and afterwards I became depressed unable to eat for 2 weeks. I finally sorted out my feelings and after a month it came back stronger due to various events and i might actually do it for real this time. I have no self esteem, no confidence, I consider myself boring useless and I feel like iam only used by people else Noone cares about me. No matter what anyone says it doesn't help. I had only one sided loves just like now and my heart is being torn apart every single day and it's aching and hurts a lot. Before asking just confess and move on its not that easy. Already confessed already got rejected and I just can't move on, even if I try to cut the contact she will find a way to do so and wants me to solve her every problem and be there to her, iam special to her but not special enough to be in a relationship. I try and help everyone with huge success while wearing the strong, everything is fine rely on me mask but iam at my limits, Iam certain now that i can't find happiness and I will never find it and never achieve it. My surrounding and friends are finding or already found happiness and I couldn't do it in 10 years even once. The only reason iam not hanging myself right now is bcos my mum is sleeping a few rooms away. But once she's away or at work I seriously might do it without a second thought. Before that happens please someone seriously help me. I am here crying unable to eat or drink.
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self.SuicideWatch
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what the heck just happened to me? I've been pretty stressed these passed few months. I might have a brain tumor, I'm being tested for an eye exam on the 28th, but I'm still anxious for the results. I had also just looked into some lucid dreaming stuff, so maybe I wanted to fall asleep so badly that something weird happened. I was asleep for about 15 minutes. When I opened my eyes, I stared at the light switch. All of a sudden it began shaking. I don't think I was shaking and I knew the room wasn't shaking. I could stop this feeling when I sat up. Was I having a seizure? Everything just started to violently shake.
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self.Anxiety
|
Should I just visit miro? Seems like my life just isn't going to work out. Girls don't like me and I'm not getting any younger.
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self.depression
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I linked up my credit card to AutoPay today. [removed]
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self.depression
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I have a meeting with a psychiatrist on monday Is there anything I cannot say to this person? For example, being suicidal, is that a reason to lock me up somewhere?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don’t want to do this anymore... Life sucks.
My anxiety has been increasing, and as a result of that, I’m feeling more depressed. I’ve barely been able to get out of bed, and I have no motivation. On top of that, someone I really liked just flat out did a 180 on me, and started blaming me for everything. I felt lik shit. I had three panic attacks last night. I’m strongly considering just putting an end to it all.
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self.SuicideWatch
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lol please answer Asap For about a year know I’ve been forcing myself to be happy and been mostly optimistic about everything. I’m so sick of it. I’ve had enough of all this bullshit. I don’t really like talking to anyone about my feelings because their mine and it’s no one else’s problem. I just want to cry ig but it doesn’t work. Nothing feels real anymore. :))) I’m a guy if that helps at all
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self.depression
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I feel like I am not human. Had a few good days, now I feel like shit again. People can be so unforgiving.
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self.depression
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Im already here,Why the fuck cant i just do it? Im already here at this balcony,It's almost Midnight,I was so ready and cool with it but all of a sudden,I got scared of it...No im not scared of death nor high places,Something inside me is telling no,Like why the fuck?..What's the point?..Why cant i just jump?..My life is getting worse already,My disorders are getting worse and worse and my family wont care,I sent goodbyes already but why cant i do it?..Im so fucking tired,Just let me be but why cant i?..The voice earlier said that i will do it now it's saying not to go?..What?...To fucking rape me again?..To fucking use my body for that disgusting shit again?..Demons,Humans,Animals,Everyone fucking hate me,I have no place,This Schizophrenia is manifesting a demon that uses me and then outside of my rooms are cruel human beings,Im so fucking tired why cant i just do it?..Something's reaching out?..does he not understand how tired i am?..I cant do life like this anymore,No one motivates me enough,No one loves me enough..I cant do all of this anymore..Im so tired and not a single person cares,I hate myself already but why cant i just jump off this damn balcony?...Why the hell cant i do it?...Is my punishment not enough?..This has been too long,Im just fucking 14,Why the hell do i deserve this?..Im so fucking mad about the world ,Why wont it let me kill myself?..Does it want me to reach out to people and get hurt?..Does it want me to rewrite those goodbyes to make me look pathetic?...Im so tired,I dont wanna do this anymore,Why cant i do it?..
Can somebody help me?..How can i change my mind to jump off this building?..This is high enough to crack my skull,Can someone please help me..Just how?...I dont have any peace but this,Please someone tell me how to change my mind...Please.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Daylio Advice Just started using Daylio because I’ve been seeing a lot of recommendations for it from this subreddit.
How do others define your moods based on what Daylio provides?
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self.bipolar
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regression sorry for posting this bullshit
over the past 6 months ive 'gotten my life together'. im back in school, i have a job and a girlfriend, i moved out of my parents place, im back down to a normal weight
but i feel more isolated and full of despair than i have since i was like 15 and first dropping out and using drugs and self harming
i break down crying in the bathroom at work almost every day for absolutely no reason
i committed 100% to the advice people give you about 'just putting myself out there' and 'being positive' and its done me absolutely no good at all
i took meds for a while in high school but stopped when i didnt notice any difference. a while ago i went and got prescribed wellbutrin and it hasnt helped at all either. it all makes me think that the problem isnt even chemical. it's just a fundamental issue with me as a person. and that makes it even worse you know? like i dont even have an excuse for being weaker and less capable than everyone else.
and to add on to it, all these new responsibilities mean that i cant vent in the ways i used to without throwing everything away. i cant drink myself into a coma every night, or eat until i puke, or lock myself in my room until it feels safe to come out anymore
i feel like im in the deep end and im just sinking and theres absolutely nothing for me to grab on to
and all im thinking is, why do i bother, you know? whats the point of putting in this effort and feeling this bad if its ALWAYS gonna be this way? if my stupid brain just hates being alive so much that i cant find any enjoyment no matter what i do?
thanks for reading, sorry again
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self.depression
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I’m thankful for all of the thoughts and prayers that make mass shootings a regular part of our lives in America. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Hopefully on my way to an official diagnosis to see what's wrong with my because I know I'm way more than just normal anxious/nervousness [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Here is my story I am about to type a lot but you can decide if it is worth the read. I have been messes up for a while, I moved halfway through 7th grade to NJ from Hawaii. Ever since I got here I haven't fit in, my relationship with my parents is declining, and things have gotten hard. I never even had the thoughts of being sad, hurting myself, or killing myself. I got through that year with minimal sadness, still thinking maybe things would change. I was so optimistic that I could turn things around. But they never did, I went through 8th grade hopping around groups and then getting kicked out, trying to find those friends to help me. Trying to find a love, knowing I am to young to truly know what that means, I still tried, and failed. People only decided to date me out of pity, or lie and say they liked me. The longest I dated someone was a day in 8th grade. Then I found out they lied and were faking it the whole time. After the second time this happened is when I started to decline. I never really noticed it at first, I just kept on with my life. There were more and more sad/bad thoughts coming into my head. Near the end of the year I thought I had found my friend group, these people were like me, we had good times, I had a lunch table and didn't have to eat in the bathroom anymore, that was a relief. With this came a girl I liked, which is a whole different story, but part of this one. She lied to me for 2 months, and a lot of her friends, telling people she loved me, and others she never did. I didn't know who to believe, but still having hope I decided to believe that she loved me like she said. She didn't. I got into a spat with someone in the group and it turned into something else, here is what it was over. These boys in the group, friends with the girl I was talking about earlier, yet these three boys all thought I was trying to take their girl. Knowing I was in love with the girl that crushed me (though she hadn't yet at this point) they still decided to believe that I was trying to take their date away from them. So the rumors started, me slapping other girls butts, me trying to kiss someone, all of them were false. So one day I walked up to the girl that was the source of the rumors, and we got into an argument, she stepped to me, and I pushed her away. Knowing this was a bad decision I took to snapchat to try and stop the rumors before she started them. I got in trouble by my school for posting, while she, accusing me of pushing her in her boobs, which shown by the security cameras, was completely false. But did people around the school see the footage? No, so they believed her over me. I ended up with an ISS and a lot of people hating me. Over the summer I went to a camp which was where I was truly happy, four days where I did not want to die or hurt myself. That continued for about a week, but then everything came back. My summer continued, I was dreading school, but I knew I had no choice anyways. It was the first year of High School, everything matters. So I dived headfirst into 9th grade with a now very low self esteem, and a lot of hatred for myself as well. I was now stuck in a mentality. A mentality of wanting an end, an end to the crippling fear, doubts, and shame. An end to the feeling of being constantly overwhelmed and under equipped. Where you want to be happy and confident deep down, but you just can’t seem to be that person. Where you hate yourself for being flawed. It is a dark mentality to be in, and I am in. I do not know if I have depression but it sure feels like it. I tell some people but I figured I would throw this out here so people know why I’m gone if I decide to go. But I don’t know if I will because I reasons to live and people to live for. It is all just so confusing, not knowing if you have depression or not, with your life falling apart around you. But you can’t complain or tell people because then they hate on you for wanting attention, or tell you that you should be grateful for what you have (which I am). I have a good life, but not a good mind. I can’t really explain it. I just don’t know, ya know?
I am aware some response's to this post cannot be said due to the rules of this subreddit, if you care enough to feel free to PM me.
Have a fantastic dayyyyy!!!! :)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else feel like they have no more interests? They just waste time? sooooooo I just felt a gut punch today. My mom bought me the witcher 3 for my birthday 2 year ago (she's an absolute jewel). I finally was able to play it last week after I upgraded my pc a bit. But a realization finally punched me in the face. I remember playing the witcher 2 about 5 years ago when I was 14. Something just wasn't right this time. I remember having fun before, being genuinely interested in how the game was programmed(I was a programming geek), combing every bit clean and loving the story, staying up till 4 am reading about it. But now I am just going through it till it's socially acceptable to sleep. I realized I do this with everything in my life. I just wait for the day end. Music, games, programming, books and writing all things I fell in love with growing up and now there is nothing. I just wait for the day to end and then sleep. I just wanna smile again. I wanna stay up till 4 am just reading about shit cuz I am so interested in em. Now I just feel jaded all day.
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self.depression
|
Insomnia, health anxiety, and panic attacks. It's 1 am where I am, so I don't really expect any responses in time for anything to help, but maybe writing this up will help me calm down. I tried calling the crisis hotline twice, but got disconnected, so I guess that's a bust.
I'm a 20 year old college student with a history of OCD, among other issues. My primary problems were with health anxiety, and worrying about having deadly or debilitating diseases. By the time I was about to enter sophomore year in college, my psych and I agreed I had been doing well enough that I could stop taking my meds (prozac). For the most part, I've been doing fine this semester.
Until about a week ago. For whatever reason, I haven't been able to sleep well lately. At first I was usually only getting about 4 hours of sleep, but a couple times I've gotten closer to 6, but woken up multiple times during the night. It's worth mentioning halfway through the week Thanksgiving break started, so I was at home instead of my apartment. Naturally, I started worrying.
My number one fear right now is Sporadic Fatal Insomnia, a rare prion disease where, among other things, the sufferer gradually loses the ability to sleep then dies over the course of about 18 months.
Tonight has been the worst night yet. I was tired all day, so I got in bed at around 10, only to be jolted awake at around midnight. The defining characteristic of SFI is not being able to enter REM sleep, so short sleep worries me. Additionally, I'm starting to feel like I have a fever, and I can't tell if it's an actual fever brought on by my weakened immune system or just symptoms of anxiety.
I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack after waking up around midnight, and I'm still anxious out of my mind. My legs started shaking and have trouble stopping, even when I'm just lying in bed. This is even more worrying because muscle spasms are another symptom of SFI. It's made it impossible for me to try and relax.
And even if I don't have the rare disease that I can't convince myself I don't have, I'm still screwed. Aside from feeling like shit, I have a 6-page paper due a day from today and it's only half done since I couldn't work on it much the past week. If I can't turn it in, it's basically guaranteed I fail the class.
I don't even exactly know what I wanted from writing all this. My life was fine a little over a week ago and now it feels unbearable. Just getting ready for bed gives me anxiety. My legs won't stop shaking. I'm worried I'll die. I don't know what to do.
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m the girl that seemingly has everything... I’ve had more suicide attempts than I can count on one hand, and I’m proud to say I’ve never taken a long time off work, and I’ve never been sent to a psychiatric hospital.
The reason I’m posting today is because I had a day off work today, and I sat in bed and looked at the box of pills I have on the bedside table. Took two and struggled through the next 5 hours before my flatmate got home, waiting to give in to the feeling. Instead I cut pretty badly for the first time in quite a while.
Then, tonight, I went to a bridge near my flat and stood there for longer than half an hour. Not sure how I’m feeling now I’m back home but I’m sufficiently pissed not to give a shit. There are never any consequences to my actions and there is nothing the services can do to help. Unless they lock me up and take away my resources.
Anyhow - my friends can’t do anything, or don’t like to talk about it so I guess it’s the unspoken situation. Thanks for listening.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just want my life back I feel like so many things have been stolen from me. I've been abused for years and I have no idea how I'd ever break myself of having awful people in my life. I feel like I did something to deserve the way I'm treated, but it makes me want to die.
 
I want to be able to read again,play around with makeup, go hiking, write, play music, draw, paint, and trust. I have no energy to do the things I enjoyed, and when I do try, I break down because I can't stop thinking about all the horrible things that have happened recently, and forever ago.
 
I don't remember the last time I felt truly happy or secure. And even when I did, I was being betrayed behind my back, like an idiot. I can't trust anyone, I don't have anyone. I was promised the world and left with nothing but a broken soul. I gave everything up believing that I was making an investment, and I've lost everything.
 
I've had an attempt a few times a month up until lately, now it's more like at least once a week. I wondered why I couldn't do it. I feel like I get so close, but I can't shake that instinct to live. I realized that it's because I don't want to die, I just want my life back.
 
I guess deep down, I don't want to die, I just know that I can never be the same, so I know I have to go. I've been through too much and I'm not strong enough to keep going and continue being hurt by everyone I love. Every time I try to get back up and brush myself off, someone hurts me. Every single time, without failure. I'm hurt, then told to go to therapy and promised a better life. I go to therapy, and then when I'm doing better, someone strikes again.
 
Yet, I'm so lonely. It's easier to be around people who you know you can't trust, than to find new people and wonder when they'll hurt you. I wish that I could have someone who I could trust completely, someone who would treat me kindly and with respect, someone who would just smile at me and hold me, but I know I can't have that. Especially not now. I'm just a broken person. This "life" experiment was a failure, I feel like it's reasonable to call it quits at this rate.
 
I don't know when I will do it, but I'm determined.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't even look myself in the eyes (Ignore)
I'm really lost on where and how to start this. I guess I'll start by saying fuck you. Fuck you. I think you're pathetic and I hate you. Why are you like this? No don't answer that, you don't even know bc you're too stupid to know. I wish I can find you and beat the shit out of you. I wanna see you bleed. I cannot emphasize how fucking much you hurt me last night. I can't express the feeling of dejection and disappointment I felt this morning. No really. I wanted to cry. And I yelled at myself. I yelled into my bed the second I woke up. I yelled so loud my throat hurt. I kept hitting snooze bc every waking second I spent knowing what I did was torture. I am beyond mad. And I'm mad bc I'm too upset to feel anything else. I feel almost overwhelmingly distraught. I keep hoping that if I just yell and beat myself enough, this all goes away. All I want is for this fucking living nightmare end. Will it? I'm so afraid it might not anymore. What if this is just my life now? What if I really have dug myself into a hole I can never get out of?? What can I do!!! Ok. I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not trapped. I have ppl out there and I have options, alternatives, a life of things to do. I still feel powerless. Completely powerless. This isn't motivation or a sense of discipline. It's utter disgust and guilt that's clouding my mind with anger and frustration. I'm keeping it contained for the moment but I feel it festering. Nothing I do right now feels like It'll satisfy me or get me to where I want to be. Some part of me deep deep down tells me this is another lesson to learn. That through this failure, look for a silver lining. That maybe this is all just 1 step closer in the grand scheme of things. I know don't what to believe. I know what I want to put my faith in but that depends heavily on my own actions and fuck that guy. I'm referring to myself in the 3rd person bc that's how ashamed I feel to associate myself with that sick fuck. Oh how he's tortured me into sadness and regret. *Sigh* I guess this, right here, is a start. Admitting it. I almost couldn't bring myself to put it in writing but.. No I had to. I have to face these actions wether I like it or not and trust me I realllllyyyyy don't want to. I wish I could jump off a building and I'll wake up. It'll be me and my own life but in that version I'm not a huge steaming pile of shit!!
Ok. So I've established that I am broken with no sign of success in sight. I also hate myself (currently at least) and I am filled with regret to the point of mental torture. I blame myself and only myself. I really truly feel like I caused myself to lose. To lose a battle, to lose myself, to lose my happiness. But actually!! Yesterday I was, not became bc I always was, that person. He's a person in my mind I refer to as the real me. The real me! Oh man is that guy frickin cool! He didn't give a fuck, he couldn't give a fuck! It's not just that he didn't care, but he didn't let anything get to him. He walked around with no chip on his shoulder. Nah this dude actually ENJOYED his life, he smiled for no reason just because he could, and when song came on he lipsynced and danced like an idiot, the best way to dance imo. Oh man. It's like that guy had a 6th Sense. He really felt emotion. Like actually felt and understand what he felt. He was happy. But something snapped. Something changed and now he's gone. He's fucking GONE. AND IT'S BC OF ME, THAT LITTLE SHIT!
Maybe, after all this...I feel 1% better. Maybe, just maaaaaybeeee there's this small small part of me that's saying "Hey. I hear you man. I'm here now. I'm that guy from before. I make mistakes too but the difference is I can pick myself back up. You look up to me right? And you think I'm strong? Well I am and this is something that made me strong. You can't do it alone dude, but I gotchu. I'm here for you. I'm here to tell you that it's not impossible. But it IS the hardest thing you'll do. Everyday. From morning till night you'll struggle. And the part you won't believe is that it gets easier. I know right? Wait.. if it gets easier then why can't everyone just do it? Well it gets really fucking hard (pun partially intended) before it gets easier. That's where you give up. That's where you hurt because you consider yourself weak."
Well thanks man. That's what I'd imagine he would say, the guy from yesterday oh man he was a dream. He's a world different from me. And ya it is me, I can't keep running away. Haha if only I could journal here and live with my thoughts for the rest of my life. Or at least just for today.
Well, there's only one step after this. Only one step. And I've done it a thousand times. And I'm afraid I'll have to do it a thousand more. I'm so scared that I will fail anyways that I'll just give in to make it feel like I made the decision on my own and it's what I wanted. That's some bullshit.
Well. Here I am. 1 bullshit journal entry later. I woke up to get to campus today. I biked in the rain to help my sister. It's something. It's not nothing. And I did it today. I picked myself up this morning but wasn't ready to forgive myself yet. I still don't think I am. I face this unorthodox duality of being hurt and simultaneously being the one who hurt me and I can't let myself off the hook for it. This one really cuts deep. It hurts so much more because of how much loved what I had. And I lost it and meant so much to me. It meant everything to me.
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self.offmychest
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Applying to jobs fucking sucks When they're all garbage. Might as well burn my diploma because that's about as much it's worth if I could go back and actually educate myself I would. Fuck applying to jobs especially low level jobs. Then people wonder why I'm depressed and why I wish for death.
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self.depression
|
Remedies/ useful solutions to reduce anxiousness Hi everyone! I have a very good friend who has been suffering from anxiety the past few months. He gets anxious from little things in everyday life, making him unable to focus when studying. Also, today was a bad day - he felt anxious for no reason, and he almost cried on the public transport.
As exams are approaching in two weeks, I hope I can get some help from the community here, so I can help him get back on track for revision. As he has great aspirations for the future, results will be key to help him reach his goal. That’s why I’m really worried.
Thank you so much <3
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self.Anxiety
|
If they only knew... The man who raped me 8 years ago died in a hiking accident last week. Everyone who knew him is devastated and all I can think is good riddance. He had many friends and family in the community who viewed him as a great, upstanding guy. When it happened I was too young to be brave enough to say anything, but old enough to be blamed and not believed, so I picked myself up and walked forward in life. It does me less good now to smear his name than it does to just let those who are feeling the loss of him remember him as good and decent. I just needed to get this off my chest or else I thought I might bust at the seams with how actually relieved I am that he received his karma. I don’t care if it makes me a bad person.
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self.offmychest
|
Knowing your place I messed up my life almost 4 years ago. Along with my own life, I’ve hurt others. Including the love of my life (who I can’t seem to stop hurting or hold on to), my son (who above everyone else, I want to be a good father to), and people who love(d) me who had wanted nothing from me except my own happiness.
This past year I thought I was trying to piece myself back together. Found along the way that it’s not about who I was but the person I’d like to be.
Last night I left the woman I love to talk to my parents. To ask them what my place with them is. They want their son back. The one who would always drop everything and anyone to do what they want. The one that always went out of his way to make them happy. I went there to ask them what my place with them was.
I showed up for dinner 30 minutes late because I got lost. They had started dinner without me. I went in wrecked and I’m sure it showed. My eyes were swollen from crying. I couldn’t stop shaking because I was nervous.
Before hand, the love of my life had already gone home from what was supposed to be an amazing few days in San Diego. I ruined it because they called. I left the evening of the second day to go see them.
After dinner I asked them if we could please talk. I asked them what they wanted. Why they didn’t tell me they were going to be in town for the holidays. Why they only called last minute. Why didn’t they tell me ahead of time if they had this planned awhile back.
I spent Christmas Eve alone. I went to work. I couldn’t see my son, I couldn’t be with the love of my life, I had no friends to spend that evening with. The family I live with had gone to a resort to spend Christmas and New Years. I was alone. I was miserable and hurt. I was angry.
My parents said that they weren’t sure if they wanted to see me. My mom called me. I spoke to her and my dad. They changed their minds.
I show up. We talk. It clicked. It wasn’t me needing to know what my place with them was. It was them needing to know what their place with me is.
I love them both. I hate them both. I told them that they’ll always be my parents and that I’ll always be their son. I’m not at their beck and call. I’m not something that they can lay bait out for and expect me to fall for it every time. My mom slapped me. My dad yelled at me. I yelled back. They said that I’m being stupid. My dad said he has no idea where he went wrong in raising me. I replied with he didn’t raise me. I yelled and screamed. I told them what they did. How I made the wrong choice of seeing them instead of staying with the love of my life. I left
I’m tired.
She left the hotel we were staying at that evening. For some reason, I went back and parked my car in the same lot where it was the day before. I was too scared to go back up to the room and knock on the door to see if she really had left. She doesn’t lie. I knew she left.
I’m writing this all at a breakfast cafe near by after spending the night in my car.
I don’t want to go into the new year like this. No more. I don’t want to hold anyone back or be held back by anything or anyone.
I’m tired.
|
self.offmychest
|
I’m going to slit my wrists tonight I’m never happy anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don’t know what’s going on I feel like Ive completely lost my mind. I was getting to sleep and then suddenly felt so overwhelmed, irritable and scared. I’m now wide awake and very worried and idk what’s going on or how to calm down. I genuinely feel like I’m spiraling right now
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm not okay, I don't want to be here. I'm finally admitting it, I'll hide it from everyone until I'm gone, but ill admit, I want to die, and I have done for the best part of 6 years, im not going to lie to myself anymore.
I am 20, I have had depression for 6 years, ive tried most things to help it, but I don't want to pretend Im okay anymore, I have given my all, tried my hardest to make everyone else happy, giving everything I have to try and make sure no one feels this way, I don't think I can stay here anymore, im slowly but surely stopping to care about the clean up, or who finds me, im fighting a losing battle alone, no one is there for me, ive lost people I was close to, and im only spoke to when people want help, but when I need it, I have nobody, im prepared now, im happy to say I have no fight left, im weak, im alone and death is the only ally I have, im going to wait till the 25th of January, the day I truly lost everything I was, the day my ex had the abortion 2 years ago, and ill join my lil man, to protect him so he isnt alone again.
|
self.offmychest
|
In the last 24 hours I have slept 16 of them Holy shit I am going down fast. Yesterday got home and fell asleep at 6pm, slept until around 8am this morning, then skipped my classes so I could keep sleeping until 12pm. I'm doing pretty bad right now lol
|
self.bipolar
|
Anybody else have urinary problems when anxious? So when I'm anxious, whether it's in a public bathroom because of my social anxiety, or if I'm just feeling anxious at home I seem to find it hard to pee. It's sometimes literally impossible in some bathrooms such as at a bar or a gig. When I'm at home I can eventually get a stream going with breathing exercises and generally calming myself down but even in a cubicle in a busy public bathroom it's just the presence of other people that makes my body so anxious it just locks it off. I'm really hoping this goes away with my combination of therapy and medication because it really is the most debilitating aspect of my anxiety and is putting a halt on my recovery. I finally pluck up the courage to fight against the anxiety of going out and when I get there I have to leave early because I'll literally cause physical damage to myself by holding it in.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Fuck idk Im so upset. I have no friends. Im the type to push people away and cut people off quick bc I can get so mad easily bc i have anxiety and it causes me to be irritable and depressed.. so i have nobody. I have a boyfriend but even him i feel like he’s not there for me.. he’s one of the reasons why i get so upset tbr lol.. sometimes he ignores me and he doesn’t text me back or wanna call me or anything the whole day.. it makes me feel horrible.. i tried to leave him to see if he’d care it was more of a test and he didn’t want me to leave he wanted me to stay.. we talked thru everything and he says he’s sorry and all but yet i still don’t feel like he’s there for me bc he’s still doing the same fucking shit im just so confused and i feel like im losing everything that matters to me i just feel like it’s all disappearing my mental health is shit i feel depressed and suicidal and i have nobody to talk to it sucks i hate being lonely and i hate how people just take advantage of me with no remorse it just hurts and i have no idea what to do i feel frustrated, confused, depressed.. i havent seen my bf in 4 months he says he isn’t ready to meet my parents and he’s going thru a lot of stress and everything and im trying so hard not to push him away im trying my hardest to stay bc i really do love him he’s done a lot for me but on god these past 4 months have been complete shit compared to how things use to be i just wanna make things better im just so hurt and lost and confused i want answers to all my questions and i want things to be fixed but ik its not that easy im just so upset i don’t know what to fucking do anymore
|
self.depression
|
Don't feel like I'm living my life while trying to find a medicine to "fix me" (22F) My quality of life is really hard lately. Trying SSRIs that don't work and make me sick and lose weight and give me such bad anxiety when I get on them.
Patching up the problems I get from these meds with xanax (my doctor told me to use it daily) I'm a zombie. I dread taking it. Without it I'm anxious but with it I'm not myself and incapable of doing things I love.
It's hard to see hope - it's been 3 months of a mental health roller coaster that's also caused physical issues with my stomach. It's hard to watch people living their lives while mine passes day by day, doing nothing. It's hard seeing people be able to enjoy even the little things like food. I can't even eat.
It's so hard
|
self.depression
|
Afraid of losing my dog, and what it will do to my depression. 2017 was a terrible year. I dealt with a horrible breakup. Depression and anxiety symptoms that had been held in check for a while became really bad. I lost a friend to suicide. I had my closest friends move away. I had physical health issues to deal with. I had some troubles at work.
The worst part of the year was that my dog got sick twice, and the second time was cancer. Like a lot of people, my dog has helped me through some really tough times. She's been the only reason I've gotten out of bed some days. I've had her for over 11 years. Six months ago she had some aggressive and expensive surgery to treat the cancer and it (seemingly) worked. She recovered well and is back to being her old high-energy self. The last couple of months I have felt so much better because she has too.
Last week I found a lump on the site of her surgery. I'm waiting to see a specialist, but I'm devastated. If the cancer has returned I don't know if it will be treatable this time. I don't know if I can afford more surgery.
I'm not stupid - my dog is 11, and I know realistically she will only be around another couple of years at best. But I can't imagine life without her, especially now. I don't know how to handle her being sick again and potentially suffering. I can't handle her dying. I can't handle her being gone.
If you're not a pet person, you probably don't understand this, but for 11 years I've always had at least one thing that loved me and relied on me. She's kept me going and I don't know what to do without her. Thanks for listening.
**TL;DR: My dog may have cancer again, and I'm afraid of losing her.**
|
self.depression
|
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