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Telling myself it will get better. Hope I'm not alone.
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self.depression
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How can you overcome death anxiety related to hypochondria? I am constantly worried that some minor (or major but not serious) pain anywhere in my body can be a sign of a serious illness that will cause me to die. And I don’t want to die because I am scared of dying.
Sometimes it seems like the pain I feel is due to the fact that I constantly worry, which makes it difficult to recognize what pain is real and what is mostly made up in my head.
I just want to live in peace and I am not sure how. Logical reasoning like the low probability of getting a disease doesn’t help much.. so I need help. I feel the answer lies is not being afraid in dying, but I’m not sure how to achieve that.
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self.Anxiety
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Two days ago I was diagnosed with PTSD... I don't know how to feel. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Thousands of miles from home, from who I love and what I enjoy, and I'm officially suicidal. I've got nowhere else to turn, so I'm coming here. I'm sure this will be long, so I apologize for that.
I got accepted into vet school this past spring. Has been a dream of mine for a few years. Vet school is incredibly tough to get into and due to a poor semester in undergrad, this was the only school that accepted me. Said school is out of the U.S and thousands of miles from my home. I am not much of a traveler. I love to go see new places, I love to experience new things; but I love to come back home even more. I am very much a homebody when all is said and done. But in order to achieve my dream, I took the offer. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I figured I was tough enough to get through it. I bought the plane ticket and there was no turning back.
Everyone in my life was really excited for me, and as the time drew closer, each time someone mentioned it to me, I almost broke out in tears due to the sheer anxiety of even thinking about leaving. Still, I kept pushing it down and pretended to be excited. When I went to WalMart to buy the things I needed before I left, I broke down in the bathroom, crying big 'ol ugly tears. Every tear I cried, I was convinced I wasn't making the right decision. I didn't want to leave my cats, my boyfriend, my little niece who is just beginning to talk more and develop her own personality. I didn't want to leave behind going to concerts and races; two things that really help me enjoy life and keep me stable. Still, I kept telling myself it's all for my dream.
I spent my overnight layover in Miami on the airport floor, a blanket covering me, crying for hours without sleep. I thought all night about not catching my flight and heading home. I wish I would have. I landed later that day, was shown my dorm, and collapsed into a fit of tears and deep, dark feelings. I called my mother, and she was unsympathetic, saying I needed to get over it. I was already in debt, I had made a decision, I needed to go through with it. So, I went through orientation week in a haze. I didn't go to parties, I didn't really make friends. Sad doesn't even begin to cover how I felt, and the loneliness was so vast. Phone calls with the boyfriend helped, but he got tried of me being upset day in and day out. I quickly learned it was better to repress that I was upset than tell him. He would just get frustrated, upset that he wasn't "enough" to keep me happy. That made me feel even worse, because he wasn't the cause of my unhappiness. I looked forward to his phone calls every night, they were the brightest part of my day. Even if I was sad, they still cheered me up more than I can ever explain. I was already making him feel less than what he was, and I wasn't even meaning to...
Then the hurricanes hit. I evacuated back to the U.S and it was probably one of the happiest two weeks of my life. I got to spend time back at home, with the boyfriend and family and I even got to see a race, but I knew, inevitably, I would have to come back and start class. That day came and school started. I was so busy catching up on schoolwork I didn't really have time to wallow in my depression. Even to my surprise, my grades weren't too bad. I made a C on my first test (beginner's luck) and A's on all the subsequent ones. I was pleased that all the effort I was putting in was paying off. That was until I got my first anatomy test back. I failed by half a point. I was heartbroken. Hours of work just to fail by half a point. I had a meeting with the professor, she was really rude, told me to try harder and even asked if I had been tested for any learning disabilities (the class average was really high, so my grade was a huge outlier she said). She said that if I failed the next one, it was likely I wouldn't be able to recover and pass the class, which would fail me for the entire semester.
My mind snapped when I heard that. All the pain and suffering I had felt up to that point. All the tears and sleepless nights, all the loneliness and panic: if I failed the entire semester and had to drop down to the next class, that meant 6 more months on this god awful island. 6 more months of being far away. I worked my ass off for the next test. Spending every free moment not eating or sleeping or in class in the lab, or with a tutor or TA. I took my test, felt somewhat okay about it, and got the grade back: 42. Mega failure. My heart fucking broke into a million pieces.
I've been a wreck since then. I've barely been able to get myself out of bed to go to class. I'm sleeping until midday. Last night I got really drunk, had a full on breakdown, and self-harmed. First time in YEARS. I feel suicidal. Mostly because of the thought of continuing school here, but I also feel suicidal at the thought of dropping out and letting everyone in my life down. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to my mother about it. I can't talk to my boyfriend about it without upsetting him. I don't have any friends here. I don't have any activities here that can help take my mind off things, refocus or reenergize me. I feel like I'm just wasting away until I fail the rest of my exams and get to board that plane ride home, where honestly, I don't think I'll return in order to pursue my dream. And I can't even begin to think about where that'll leave me in the grand scheme of my life. Everything I've worked hard for for four years, I'm just so ready to let it slip away in order to end the sadness.
Tldr; Everything has fallen apart since starting vet school. Everything hurts. I'm afraid I won't make it until December.
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self.SuicideWatch
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You know you are fucked up when you cant enjoy video games anymore I am so fucked up that I can't enjoy any game anymore. I just wanna die now
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self.depression
|
I'm ruining everything for myself with no remorse I can't focus on a single thing anymore. I can't even pay attention in school or do homework. What homework I'll get done it will take an hour to get a single worksheet done. I'm failing almost every test and I take and my life just feels like suffering. I hate myself so, so, so much for ruining things for myself but I just cant help it. I'm always being told "just do your work" but it's so hard I just want to sleep and forget. Jesus Christ I literally can't do anything and no one in my life is being helpful. No one is helping me and I can't figure it out. The school system just dosent support mental health problems and I am so fucked I just want to die. Finals week is next week and I can't do this.
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self.depression
|
Anxiety comes in waves? For a couple weeks at a time I'll be anxious every day, overthinking my breathing and constantly feeling either the tightness or hollow feeling in my midsection. Then randomly, I'll have a really good few days where I don't experience the tightness feeling and life just feels much more smooth.
The thing I dont understand, though, is that I don't do anything different on these "good days", it just seems completely random whether or not I'll have a good day/few days.
Does this happen to anyone else?
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self.Anxiety
|
I can’t take it anymore because I hate myself. I don’t think I can go on much longer. Everyday I think about cutting my wrists and lying in bed to bleed out. I don’t want anyone to see my body after. I think I should do it and leave a note on my door
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self.SuicideWatch
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We put our cat to sleep in the face of a $4700 bill [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Lied to a doctor about being suicidal MY MOM WAS IN THE ROOM. THEY DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING ASK ME IF I WANTED HER TO LEAVE. I CAN'T SHARE ANY OF THIS BECAUSE I'M A MINOR AND THEY'LL IMMEDIATELY TELL MY MOM. So the doctor based my diagnoses on not being suicidal. I can't walk back on what I said now or it will look like I'm cherry picking symptoms to make people feel bad for me.
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self.depression
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Not even safe in my dreams I was literally crying in my dreams. There is no escape from the pain.
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self.depression
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What if none of it fixes anything? Do jobs fix depression? How to ask for help when people think I'm just not trying hard enough? (Sorry for the throwaway, friends know my accounts and I don't want to worry them)
I keep telling myself to just hang on long enough to get a job and move out of my dad's house. Then I'll have money and have more freedom; where to live, food to eat, I can come out to my parents as trans without worrying they'll cut me off financially/emotionally, I can get a haircut and surgery and dress however I want. I won't have to feel so sneaky about my gender and my relationship, like I'm expecting everyone to lie for me. I can finally pursue an actual diagnosis for whatever the heck is so neuroatypical about me. (Autism? ADHD? I don't know.) But what if none of it helps? For example, what if I do get a job, but then I'm too depressed to be on time and do a good job and keep up a healthy work/life balance?
Everyone thinks I just need to try harder. And god damnit, I *know* I do. I know I'm doing a shitty job applying for jobs, coming out, making/keeping friends, and not being a secretive piece of shit. Half the time I don't even know what I do all day. But it's so hard to try when you feel so alone and when it all feels so hopeless and when you feel like nothing you do makes any difference in how you feel. I take vitamins, my dad makes me healthy food that plays nice with my digestive system, I go on walks when I can, it distracts me and then I go back to... this. Everyone keeps telling me I'll feel better once I get a job, or once I come out, or whatever, but what if I don't?
I don't really know why I'm posting this. I wish I could still access therapy. My dad has the money for it but would probably just tell me I'm normal and don't need it and just need to try harder. I need help, from someone actually qualified to help depressed people, not friends and family who mean well but just want to pretend I'm totally normal and everything's fine and all I have to do is... more. It doesn't help. When I try to open up to people about how I'm feeling they just... tell me to do more, to stop sulking and feeling sorry for myself and just do what I need to do (which I am trying my best to do already)... so then I don't talk to them when I feel bad anymore... I hide it... and then I feel alone.
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self.depression
|
Goodbye for now Nine months ago, you received the news that you were in remission.
We were ecstatic.
Four months ago, you received the news that you had relapsed.
We were crushed.
Three weeks ago, you received the news that the tumour was shrinking.
We were excited.
Four days ago, I received the news that you were in ICU.
I was confused.
One day ago, I received the news that the tumour had spread and there were no treatment options left.
I was numb.
Today, I held onto your hand and played your favourite songs. The nurses told me that you were listening, and you squeezed my hand.
You were in my life for twenty-one years and that wasn’t enough. I’m struggling to think of all the years ahead of me without you in it. You won’t be at my graduation. You won’t be there to walk me down the aisle. You won’t be there for our father-daughter dance. You won’t be there to meet your (eventual) grandchildren. There are so many things that you’re going to miss, and I can’t help but think I’ve failed in not giving them to you sooner.
You have suffered a lot in your life, and I know that you felt, at times, that you failed in providing our family with the best life possible. I know it’s too late, but I just want you to know that you were all we ever needed. I can only hope that, wherever you are now, you’re at peace. I hope you’re eating a big well-done steak with a bottle of beer in your hand – and, hopefully, you didn’t set off the fire alarms while cooking it.
There won’t be a day that goes by where I won’t think of you. I’m going to try my best to live my life to its fullest. I’m scared shitless that I’m going to forget things. Forget your voice, your face, our memories. But for as long as I can breathe, I’m going to keep your memory alive. You can count on me. You always did.
I love you so much, dad. I hope we can meet again one day.
EDIT: Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me for your loving and kind words. I can’t express how grateful I am to have people from all around the world thinking about my father and my family.
He passed away peacefully at 14:35 on 15 December 2017. I know there are many obstacles ahead of me and it is only with your messages that I have the strength to carry on.
To everyone reading this, I urge you to contact your loved ones. Spend time with them, share experiences with them, talk to them about anything and everything. Because, at the end of the day, it can all be taken away in an instant. Best wishes to all of you over this holiday season.
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self.offmychest
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SSRI's and emotional numbness. Hi all. 30M here. So around 13 months ago I went to the doctors because I was having anxiety about social things. Even being at work my mind would race that people were laughing at me, that I wasn't good enough, that my mind would constantly wander off and I could barely concentrate on anything. Daydreaming was frustrating for me, in a way it was ok because I am quite creative but another horrible because I lacked focus on "The Now"
Well anyway skip forward to the last 12 months. I feel like the Sertaline I was prescribed has made me emotionally numb. I've been single for this last 12 months and I felt like I can't be bothered to find a partner, I'm ok with being by myself but I feel it's like the easy way out by not making any effort. I don't feel I want to connect with people any more but also I'm scared of being around people on my own because I'm afraid I have nothing to say or that I'm boring them, so when it comes to dating now, I simply avoid this situation by not doing it. Being social I find it very tiring. I've always been introverted but it's got a lot lot worse this past year and I'm not sure if it's the SSRIs. My anxiety levels have dropped a lot but I'm now too passive about everything and not forming any real connections with people.
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self.Anxiety
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Gonna get some more rope tonight after work Next step is to get a hotel room and hang myself. Soon this will all be over.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm always sick. I always have some sickness or feel shitty all the time. Western medicine has failed me. If I am not doing better by 2020 I'll probably kill myself.
Just needed to vent. Thank you for your time.
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self.offmychest
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Happy About A Suicide Growing up I attended a pretty preppy private school. I was there from kindergarten all the way to 8th grade. I had a really wonderful, privileged life with a great group of friends almost the entire time. Late in my career at this school I suffered a very traumatic injury which required multiple surgeries, during the worst of which I required 7 blood transfusions. I almost certainly would have died if not for some incredible luck and timing.
When I returned to school months later things had changed in a very bad way. My group of friends had at first been very supportive but over time they drifted away from me. I had trouble making new friends and became very socially awkward. Over time I started being bullied, it always hurt, but it didn't ever really strike deep until one day a kid started to tell me that he wished that I had died (he said it in a much more hurtful way than that, but if I use the words he said anyone who was in the school will immediately know who I and him are). He didn't just say it once though he said it many, many times. Over the course of my last year and a half at that school he probably averaged saying it 5 times a day. If I opened my mouth to speak he would interrupt me and say it. Eventually, other people started to say it to me as well, and before long I was crying in my room every day wishing that I didn't have to go to school. I would pretend to be sick for weeks to try to avoid my classmates, but my parents would always send me back. I was too broken at this point to tell them what I was going through and when I finally did years later it about broke their hearts.
A couple of years after I left that school I went to a party for one of my very old friends (from the group that had drifted apart from me). This person was there and the first thing he said when he saw me was, "Hey, didn't we used to say ..... to you? Holy shit that was funny."
That was the last time that I saw him.
I heard about a month ago through a strange circumstantial conversation that he had killed himself. Apparently he was attending an Ivy League School, was very loved by all those around him. His obituaries read like love letters and are written by his professors, family, and friends alike. They all seem very sad. But when I heard the news I laughed, I laughed for about 30 minutes, and since that day I have found myself daydreaming about his death multiple times a week. It feels kind of wrong to be so happy about someone's death. But I am.
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self.offmychest
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It’d be great to hear someone’s input on this Hi, so I’m an 18 year old guy who’s really struggling to fit in and if anyone could take a few minutes out of their day to read this that would be much appreciated :)
Ever since I’ve been a little kid I’ve felt quite odd around people my age and somewhat out of place. I have a small group of friends who I’ve been with for the majority of my life. There are around 5 of us and it kind of feels like that everyone has their own “pairing” whilst I kind of just float about. Plus they have their own very similar interests in their pairings and mine are quite different. During group conversations I can just drift off without speaking but there will be other times where I talk WAY too much. I feel really awkward when it’s just me and somebody else 1 on 1 and that can even be with someone I’ve known for years. This is because I’m not really used to being the one holding the conversation. So I feel more disconnected from my friends than ever.
I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life (yes I know that I am very young and it’s irrelevant) but it is a bit concerning. I feel that I’m average looking but I lack so much self esteem and actually never find myself in a position to talk to girls. And the majority of girls in nightclubs are 100% out of my league. Most of them are with their boyfriends for a starter. It’s not a desperation but it feels utterly hopeless. I can barely get a match on tinder and my page isn’t cocky or awkwardly cringe it seems just fairly normal.
I started my first job last night working in a bar and almost had a panic attack just purely out of sheer fear because I was making a lot of mistakes. This is another issue, I absolutely crumble under pressure yet I want to become a Firefighter. Doesn’t exactly sound like a great choice for me does it? It’s because I’ve always wanted to do something extraordinary and challenge myself, but every time I do I just panic and essentially shut down. This crumbling under pressure can cause me to fail and go silent in situations and then people will speak to me like I’m stupid, whilst I can barely defend myself. It is so frustrating. I’ve always wanted to be a leader but I’m not even a follower, I’m kind of just wandering around getting lost.
Any advice? I’d really appreciate it and yeah that was a mouthful (sorry)
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self.Anxiety
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Second meeting with career/job counsellor tomorrow. Terrified of the future and doing anything about it tbh. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm about to turn 26 years old. I was a high impact athlete for 15 years of my life. I think I have severe CTE. I'm looking for help. As the title says, I played football and wrestled for 15 years of my life. I've suffered more blows to the head than I can possibly remember. In the past I've settled down, I no longer play sports and I've attempted to start a family twice.
I generally view myself as a very loving and caring person. Maybe even too much at some times. I for some reason put a lot of emphasis on trust and faithfulness. Well, in the last 2 relationships I had, the first lasting 5 years and the last one lasting 2, I've found myself becoming more angry and short tempered. I was cheated on in both relationships.
The anger only really came out at the end of the last relationship when I found my girlfriend sleeping with her ex boyfriend. My anger exploded so badly that I destroyed a lot of our old apartment when I found them together. I also beat her ex to a bloody mess and then fled the state.
This is not normal behavior. I shouldn't have exploded so badly. I shouldn't have gotten so angry. I should work things out in a civil manner, but I seem to have some imbalance inside of me that ignites with primal anger and I can't control it.
I'm wondering if I should seek professional help to cope with my anger. I do sometimes contemplate suicide. I'm also wondering if the years of head injuries and sports might have something to do with it. I'm wondering if I do in fact have CTE. and if so, how bad is it?
Lastly I'm wondering if any other redditors have experienced similar things, and how they cope with the extreme anger that sometimes overtakes them.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I constantly sabotage new romantic relationships I have only been dating for about 6 years. 4 of those have been spent in relationships (one serious two-year relationship, one serious one-year relationship, and two several-month relationships). The other two have been strewn with dating fuck-ups and disasters.
I am a pretty attractive female, probably an 8 out of 10 by most standard measurements (25). I'm not a supermodel or anything, but men constantly approach me and pursue me. However, when it comes to men that I am actually interested in... I am atrocious to date, at least in the beginning.
I see a therapist, I've examined my own behaviors, I've recognized the patterns... but it still happens every time in some slightly different way even though I think I have control, and then I feel ashamed and like shit about it. It always beats me, and I always make a mess. Some guys can handle it and those are the ones who stick around to see me and love me for who I really am. The abrasive behavior, the aggressiveness, is just a front. I call it me being "Asshole caleb__crawdad" when I inevitably end up apologizing for being such a giant dick to people I like.
I'm posting in r/depression because I know this stems from some trauma I endured in my childhood and is directly tied to my self-esteem/self-worth issues and horrendous anxiety. I understand there is some degree of anxiety in new relationships, but it destroys me to wonder and I would rather build up the self-fulfilling "he's just going to let me down anyway" blocks so i can knock them down with my own shitty behavior.
Does anyone else do this? I hate it so much. I want it to stop.
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self.depression
|
The text crisis line has had me on hold for over twenty minutes and I can’t make a phone call to the regular hotline [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling ignored.. I've been thinking about suicide for years now as an option.
I am on the autistic spectrum and have tried to kill myself before.
Basically as the years go on, my friends have drifted off from me.
Mainly because I feel I am too much for them and they all have relationships.
The one thing that always make me think about suicide is being alone. I do not want to be one of those 40 year old men who spends all their time alone. I know for some people, that would be great for them but for me, it' a no. I'd rather just end it if I know that is going to be my life from now on.
I know my issue may sound silly but hey ho.
Sometimes I feel ignored by my friends and I'm starting to question if they want to even be my friend?
I also have ADHD so I can get really hyperactive sometimes.
Plus I am struggling job wise and I if I do not get a more permanent job soon, I'm going to have to go back and live with my parents which will cause me to be alone even more.
So basically, I've decided to give myself to new years. If nothing improves and I do have to end up going back home. I'll end it, no one would care anyway since everyone ignores me. They probably won't even notice.
The only reason I'm holding on for another month is to try and see if there is a light in the end of the tunnel. Here's hoping..
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self.SuicideWatch
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The kindness of strangers Isn't it weird how strangers can come to be the only people you trust or appreciate? I used to complain about not having many friends but now I realise that friendship doesn't mean much in my life. My so-called 'friends' which are mostly fellow students and one or two old high school friends barely take the time to talk to me, get to know me, and never go out of their way to help me. I've come to expect that from every friendship and even family members. I don't remember the last time I got a message from a family member asking how I was, or the last time I received a gift from them. Almost all of the people I know are selfish and only care about themselves. I try to help others because I enjoy doing it, and I started thinking nobody appreciated it.
This Christmas I received a surprise from an old client. This person is practically a stranger to me whom I have only ever talked to on the Internet. They have gifted me approximately $350 worth of materials for my profession. Words can't begin to describe how delighted I am. I never expect anything from anybody, yet here we have a stranger going out of their way to help out another person, after that person had almost given up on humanity.
The gifts are extremely handy and I am so grateful for them but even moreso I am just overwhelmed with joy to know that there are strangers out there who care about me, whether past clients or appreciators of my work, because I was starting to feel very lonely.
The point of this post is that even if you feel completely alone, know that there ARE people out there thinking about you, even if you are completely unaware of it. And not being in this world would make an impact on their lives, whether big or small.
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self.bipolar
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I don't know if I can fight anymore I beyond miserable, I just feel empty. Its like I'm not allowed to feel anything. Everything I do is escapism, music ,anime, gaming. I push everyone including people that care. I burned way too many bridges and I feel all alone. I do have friends but I still feel alone. The only things keeping me breathing are that I'm a Christian and I fear going to hell and i don't want to hurt the people close to me but honestly i'm starting not to care. Why am I like this IDK, but I'm just tired of everything and everybody. I don't know what to do.
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self.depression
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Can I just feel happy again? I have no more hope. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I can't do anything right Fuck everything. Fuck me. I can't do this anymore
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self.depression
|
Running on empty - I can’t keep going on like this anymore I'm 24 and have been struggling with profound depression, anxiety, self harm, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, and an eating disorder since age 6. I was raised in an emotionally abusive and manipulative environment where academic success was valued above everything else. My dad literally nicknamed me "dysmorphia." I went to a sum total of 2 therapy sessions as a child and each time my parents would tell me how hard it was for them to pay out-of-pocket because they didn’t want to use my insurance (which would have covered the sessions) so that when I had a job at the NIH, they wouldn’t find the fact that I went to therapy as a child and fire me. I now know that their logic was utter insanity. Fortunately I was bright and succeeded academically. I graduated from high school at age 15 with several academic journal articles to my name, graduated from college at 19, and got into one of the top MD/PhD programs in the country. This is all despite a suicide attempt at age 12.
After my first year in the MD/PhD program (and 7 years of weekly therapy and living independently and away from the grasp of my emotionally toxic mother) I finally opened up enough to admit to myself that I was transgender (MtF). I began transitioning and had to take a leave of absence from my program due to the time and emotional energy that I was putting into my transition. I do not doubt for one minute that I am transgender. It explains a lot of previously-explainable thoughts and feelings from my childhood, and the few changes that have happened to my body since I began my transition have been for the better. That said, I still can’t bare the sight of my face or my body. There are so many things that need to change. I’m going grey (yes, at age 24), I have some serious brow-bossing, my nose is too wide, my upper lip is too long, my jaw is too wide, my shoulders are broad, my boobs look deformed and half-developed like a 13-year old girl’s, I’m ridiculously fat, have a double-chin, and I won’t even get started about below the belt.
Since I’m taking a leave of absence from my program, I lost my stipend. Transition costs are $1,000 per month alone, I have to pay rent for two apartments (mine and my wife’s - we just moved in together and the lease on my old apartment doesn’t end until July) which costs $2,500 per month. I have 5 cats, two of which are kittens and three of which are chronically ill, so their medication/vet bills/prescription food is easily $600 per month. I’m working 5 different part-time jobs to try and make ends meet, which they never do. I even turned to some less-than-legal ways of making money online with the hope of relying less on savings, only to be scammed out of $5,000 when I went to cash out. At this point putting a little bit of money away so I can deal with my dumpster fire of a face or blatantly incorrect genitalia is a downright hilarious idea.
I have no hobbies that I can financially afford to do, other than binge-watching shows on Netflix/Prime which honestly is more so that I don’t have to be in the miserable present rather than because I intrinsically like the show. I’ve eaten the same meal at McDonalds every day for the past week because I can’t make myself cook anything (which isn’t exactly great for someone with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia). I can’t keep a friendship to save my life. My wife (who I met at age 16, pre-transition) has her own mental and physical health issues which are often triggered when I’m not doing well, so I can’t use her for support more than sparingly. I’ve been in weekly therapy for 5 of the past 7 years and it’s only helped a bit. I spend all my time that I’m not working sleeping or doing whatever I can to not be present in the moment. My cats were legitimately my main reason to live for awhile, but now I’ve found myself thinking that “someone else will take care of them” or “they learned to love me, so they’ll learn to love their new owner” which means that in a way, my last support is gone, which in a way is scary but also a relief. A few days ago I drank half of a fifth of hard liquor so that I would pass out and be physically unable to walk out of the apartment and lie down on the train tracks.
I guess I’m just posting here because I know I’m “not supposed” to commit suicide more than me actually wanting to continue this shitshow of a life.
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self.depression
|
I don't grow as I age. I just kind of linger. I used to make plans and set goals. With the now certain knowledge I'll be unable or unwilling to follow through I don't bother anymore.
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self.depression
|
Help Wanted | Does anyone know anything about marking up transcripts in order to process them for qualitative analysis? Would anyone know where on the Internet I can get advice about this? Using an alt because I am spraying too much information into the Inter web.
—————
I have recently got a job at the local college helping with a moderate sized interview survey of people's experience with altered states. My job is to read the interviews and tag relevant passages so they can be subjected to qualitative analysis. I am wondering if there is any software that I should use to facilitate this; as this sort of work is common is there an industry standard out there?
Going online it seems as though [TAMS (Text Analysis Markup System)] ( https://medium.com/@ash_tay21/touring-tams-analyzer-text-analysis-markup-system-2017c3f8fa3a) might be useful. Has anyone used it? If you have I would appreciate talking with you.
My concern is both getting data into and out of the system. Because of the amount of work involved (and the length of some of the text blocks) I am not a big fan of using a mouse to highlight text. At some stage, in order to facilitate write up, I also would like to export the tagged files to some sort of data base. I presume the software allows me to do this.
The other option is simply to type in the various tags by hand. At the end of this I would still be face with the problem of porting the data to some sort of data base so I can work with it.
I have been unemployed now for seventeen years so this project means a great deal for me. Thank you for any help you can offer.
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like notifying someone and pointing out that they've gained weight is the worst It sucks because a flaw about your personality can easily be fixed and I doubt it has a strong impact. Being reminded constantly of body flaws is the worse in my opinion because that can just ruin someone completely. It just hits you in the heart because that's what everyone views you as. What sucks even more is that, you can be confident in your own skin and as soon as someone points out a flaw, that thought stays with you forever and will never escape your mind. All these insecurities build up and it's just horrible.
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self.depression
|
February 10th I don’t even care that this is my main, I literally cannot be bothered to make a throwaway right now and I might delete this later. I think I’ll be leaving on the 10th of February, 2018. It sounds stupid but February 10th is the birthday of my favorite fictional character of all time, and I want to spend it with her one last time before I go.
I just, I don’t see the point in anything anymore. I’m a failure in life, I’m constantly disappointing everyone I know, uni is a bust and I pushed away every friend I had due to my depression and anxiety. Not that anybody would give a damn if I live or die.
February is a bit far away, but part of me wants to give this misery of a life one last chance. If I don’t get my shit together at least a little bit by then, it’s game over for me. I’ve already got everything planned out anyway. So yeah.
I know nobody cares but I just wanted this off my chest and out there in the void.
Edit: Didn't do it. Of course family things would be happening on the day I decide to end my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wanna die I've been really wanting to die for a while now. I can't handle everything that's happening around me and no one seems to listen. I want someone to look at me and not be disgusted with everything that I am. I want to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just feel stuck I just don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like my life has reached a plateau where it felt like things were getting better, but they’ve reached their maximum and now I’m just on a straight line with no changes. I live a relatively routine life, I have a girlfriend, but I feel stuck, and I feel like I could be doing better for myself. Not relationship wise, but me wise. I keep telling her I’m okay because I don’t want her to bear my weight, but I’m not. I’m a depressed sack of shit. I need help and I don’t know where or how to get it. Help. Please.
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self.depression
|
Not gonna do it now but... ... the desire grows and grows. first time i tried i was 16 years old... 10 years have passed since and it's only getting worse and worse. I get by each day by thinking of the misery i leave behind if i do it, but if i dont i am thinking of the misery i am. Tried talking to people but they can't seem to grasp my situation as i am always laughing and joking and i am the life of the party, i have tried seeking professional help but meds made me a bad person and therapy did not work for me. Each day gets harder and my regard of my loved ones gets engulfed in all the pain i try to keep in control. My parents were raised in tough times and they do not grasp this whole "i cant stand it anymore thing" and they are all like suck it up and it will pass, but so much time has passed that i feel that i cant be any better and i don't know how.
I don't know what to do anymore, i am begging God for the strenght to live and get though the pain but my faith leaves me.
Help me...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Only 19 and I’m already done with this life [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Gift of Games sucks balls I’m not posting because I did t get anything, I’m posting because I believe that you shouldn’t have to make a huge essay long case for why you want to request a game; I am not seeking pity, in my opinion the whole point of Gift of Games is to hope that people are charitable enough to buy or give you a game.
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self.offmychest
|
Books about coping skills? My SO has always had anger issues, and was recently diagnosed BP.
She's working with a therapist now, and is making progress.
One of her main issues is how to cope with her anger and not let it control her.
We were wondering if anyone could recommend any books that would help her to learn how to cope with her anger.
Thanks.
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self.bipolar
|
I really need help with this situation So for the past 6 months I’ve had feelings for this girl, who is just perfect in every way. People have been trying to set us up because we have the same interests and we work really well together. When I began talking to her I wasn’t sure about things because I was (and still am) really insecure. So when we started talking I saw what our friends meant when they said we would get along well, the conversations we had never seemed to stop and when we talked time seemed to go by a lot faster, and it would never be enough. We used to talk for at least a couple of hours every day. After some time I asked her out and she said yes (I’ll talk about this later). But since she is really busy and doesn’t have a lot of time to spare we never ended up going alone, but a month or two later we went with our friends, so we never were actually alone. She is the type of girl who is so nice she won’t even use curse words but would rather use “fudge” and similar. And so our friends started teasing us both about each other, and I knew they were just joking, but she never quite got what they meant by that.
So fast forward a bit for 3 months and we got to september. This is when things got complicated. Up to this point we became the ultimate best friends, and I didn’t mind that. So then people started to talk about us and wondered what was going on, and I even forgot about that whole date situation. So basically one of our best friends started talking to her about it and she seemed a bit hesitant. Then she came to me and asked me if what he said was true “Is it true that you like me?”. I said yes, there was no point denying it since it was obvious. That’s when things went downhill. She started talking about how she can’t even imagine having a boyfriend, and how she is a terrible girlfriend because she is completely oblivious (which she is but it doesn’t matter). I told her that I don’t mind things like that, and we talked for a few days about this. We (she) came to the conclusion that “we” will never happen because she can’t imagine having a boyfriend and she really hates all that relationship stuff such as hand holding and similar - she even refuses to say the words such as crush or kiss or anything similar - and so I decided to stop with my pursuit after her, and we remained the besties we were before that. I still had feelings for her though. I thought I could deal with those and that they would eventually fade away. During this entire time I was getting so many mixed signals which confused me too much. This was all unintentional by her because she is the kind of friend that when you get to know each other a lot she would do a lot of things.
After this I cried. I cried like I’ve never cried before. But after some time I got myself back together.
This is where things get a lot worse.
She realised she has had a crush on one of our best friends. This alone isn’t that much of an issue, but the things that happened from there are what caused me to become really sad and depressed. He at first didn’t have any feelings for her other that that they were friends. Before all of this happened all of them asked me if I was ok, and I said I was, but I was nowhere near being ok. So they continued doing this. The other friend and I helped the one understand what was happening and we got him to realise that he also has a crush on her. He had just gotten out of a relationship because he said he is too relaxed to be an actual boyfriend, and that he is too oblivious to do romantic things. So the two of us helped him with the process of asking the girl out. This was all painful for me because this was happening two weeks after my heart was broken. This only made it worse.
I helped another guy get the girl I had strong feelings for.
So since I was the one who knew a lot about her, I ended up helping him the most, and the day he went to ask her out I helped him with the details, and I even told him what to do and what to say. At this point he had just left to go to her place and everything was in place. When he came there I called her to look outside on the street. From there I couldn’t do much.
This was a week and a half ago.
My heart was stomped on.
I felt like I was dying inside.
But I did it all because I still cared for her and for him as well and I wanted her to be happy, even if it meant hurting myself in the process.
This hurt me so much it left a hole in my chest which I may never fill.
One of my other female friends realised all of this and I talked to her about it a lot and she was really helpful and supportive. I cannot thank her enough for what she did. She brought me back from depression. She is the reason I can still talk to these people.
I still help him with their relationship.
Today they went out again.
She always texts me after they did anything because she wanted her best friend to know all about it. I listened to her every time and was supportive. I acted like I was perfectly ok with everything and that I was happy.
I was happy for them, but I wasn’t happy.
I knew this was going to happen but I decided to go through with it.
I still have feelings for her and it is causing a lot of pain and sadness.
Even though I talk to the other friend about this I still feel depressed.
I could really use help with this situation because I don’t know what to do and I think that if I don’t do something about it that I won’t be able to fix it later.
I haven’t talked to anyone about this other than the other girl.
I needed to get this off my chest.
All advice is welcome and I would be really grateful if someone can help me through these difficult times.
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self.offmychest
|
After weeks of spending all my free time in bed, I finally got my life together! In November I fell into a deep depression again. I was suicidal, took a few days off work, and missed class for grad school. Shortly into this time my grandmother (who I was close with) went into hospice and passed away mid-December. It was a difficult and emotional time, and my productivity suffered. My bedroom became a disaster area and I had to take an incomplete in my class.
Fast forward to this weekend. I finally got a little motivation and finished all my coursework and cleaned my room! I feel like a real live human being again!
Just wanted to share my success!
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self.depression
|
I'm so dead inside I can't even cry I've been depressed since high school and it's been like this for so long that I literally can't experience emotion at all. I haven't been able to cry for longer than I remember, I am physically unable to enjoy anything, I can't connect with people, the only thing I've felt for more than 10 years now is constant pain. my birthday was a week ago and nobody remembered. I used to have a friend but even they don't talk to me any more. sometimes I get close to crying but it feels like I'm so used to living with incredible pain that I'm just used to it now and nothing can actually push me over any more. I have tried so hard to make things better and all it's ever done is make me want to die even more. after trying for so long I have no reason to believe anything will ever change. I wish life was fair, I wish I could die.
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self.depression
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Visions/Hallucinations I'm planning on going to the doctor tomorrow. I tried to get help last year, but gave up. It was suspected that I may have bipolar 2 disorder. I gave up seeking help, because I was waiting months to see the psychologist, and she finally saw me, she was not helpful, and only gave me information about self-help groups I could attend, and that she would then see me properly after a few months (I was not in a good state to attend said groups even if I wanted to). That was the end of my reaching out for help.
The thing is, I have spiritual beliefs. I have been meditating for several years, and started to have visions, and to a lesser extent hear voices. This was my goal, I wanted these experiences. However, I have had a couple of experiences which have been very intense where I can't sleep through a night because I am hallucinating - things like demonic entities, extraterrestrials, information about the government.
The thing is, in my psychiatric assessment last year, the doctor didn't ask me about this kind of thing much. I mentioned that I had visions as of a result of my meditation practise, and he didn't seem concerned and asked nothing more than that.
I just want to know anyone's opinions of this - I am wondering whether to mention this tomorrow when I see the doctor. Has anybody else experienced this? Because of my meditation and spiritual beliefs, I have never felt that I was 'delusional', but I know that on paper, these are symptoms of bipolar or another mental disorder. I believe that my experiences are authentic to me, and not mere hallucination.
I guess I'm just not sure how to view it anymore. I have long periods of depression, with shorter periods of being higher. I have always been afraid to go on meds, antidepressants etc because I don't know how to trust them. But I am going to the doctors tomorrow because I realise that my low cycles are becoming more dangerous.
I just would like to hear anyone's thoughts on this, or if you had a similar experience, thank you.
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self.bipolar
|
school. yikes. hello everyone. i am writing this in tears because tomorrow morning i’m right back to school after a two week holiday break. i seriously don’t know how much more of it i can take. i’m not just your average rebel kid who hates school, i hate everything about it. i have no friends and because i’m embarrassed to sit alone i kind of slide at the end of a random group’s table at lunch everyday. i feel TERRIFIED everyday i am in school. it’s only my second year of high school and i’m only half way through the year. my hands are literally trembling with fear everyday for no reason. i have a million things going through my head. what if there’s an assignment i forgot to do? what if my phone buzzes and i get in trouble? what if i go to the wrong class and get detention? what if the teacher calls on me and everyone laughs at me? the list goes on. i hate every living minute that i am in school, yet when my mom asks how my day was i go “fine” because last time i told her i hated it she just put me in therapy for a few weeks, which didn’t seem for me. does anyone have tips for me on how to handle the two and a half more years of school? i really do not want to even go through those next two and a half years, but i guess there really isn’t an option at this point.
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self.Anxiety
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question for those with OCD I'm not sure how to experience this but say if I'm around a former alcoholic, former drug addict, someone with a troubled past or just has done something bad in the past or say homeless, then I feel like a bad person for being around them and I feel like I will somehow get contaminated by them and end up being like them.
I feel really really bad about this.
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self.Anxiety
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I have no idea which subreddit to put this [removed]
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self.offmychest
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New job, relationship problems, money issues, moving, I'm losing my mind [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Why it is that when I have a period of happiness hours-days later I look back and feel ashamed for feeling so happy? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm seriously going to kill myself without her I don't know when, but soon hopefully.
Casandra left me a year ago and I refuse to accept it. I can't live without her anymore and if she doesn't want to be with me that means she doesn't want me to live. I'vsle been dating a girl since September, but its not the same. I just went autopilot, I never asked this girl out, she just started calling me her boyfriend and its been like that since. But I don't love her, never will, nor will love anyone ever again. No one could even amount to a fraction of Casandra and I need her to understand that I'm dying without her. I've tried to take control over my life since I got out of the hospital but it doesn't work. I need her, but she wants to love herself. Fuck my life
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self.offmychest
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I hate receiving gifts I don't mean to sound unappreciative but any gifts I receive throughout the year just shows me how everyone around me knows absolutely nothing about me. I've received the same book three years in a row and I never enjoyed the first copy. On the plus side my daughter loved all her gifts which I was severely stressed about. Merry Christmas everyone and remember, there's always someone you can talk to.
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self.depression
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Struggling to balance mental health and university I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, but recent years of trauma have made me more prone to panic attacks. Today has been really hard on me, and to be honest I’ve just been laying in bed crying since I got home from work hours ago. Physically, my chest is tight and making it hard to breathe and I’m feeling like I could throw up any minute. I have homework due tonight and an exam tomorrow that I know I’m not yet prepared for. I feel so immobilized by my anxiety, and it seems like it always gets me at the worst times- like when I have serious assignments/tests to do. When it’s a lighter school day, I’ll take a xanax and just sleep it off and possibly take the next day off of classes.
I don’t know how to find motivation in these moments. I wish I could just pause the world so I can have a moment to feel emotions and breathe without falling behind on my responsibilities and things I care about.
(Anyone that goes to university and registers for mental health accommodations- what accommodations do they give you? All I really want is 1 day extensions once in a while so I can get through a panic attack and be able to do my homework the next day, but I don’t know if universities tend to do this.)
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self.Anxiety
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Not happy with my looks. Growing up all of my cousins are becoming more attractive and taller and shit. i am 5'6 and all of my cousins are above 6ft both of my family sides are tall in height and i am here looking fucked up since childhood. i thought hey maybe during puberty i will improve but no i look hideous. balding, short. everything a girl would not ask for. and i am only 19. i am never getting married probably. Fuck my genes. Amen.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm sick of being called an incel by losers who don't know shit. Okay, so recently. . . .I paroused A reddit that happened to be talking about marriage and divorce. Somebody was particularly pessimistic about relationships and marriage because he believes most relationships don't go well and most couples are usually unhappy.
I agreed with him partially, being A person whose parents fought like frogs and dogs at A young age and whose mother and father were divorced.
I also understand that divorce is only 40% of marriages, but still success wise ? Marriages get A D.
I got called an incel for saying : "Divorce rates don't lie."
I talked about the divorce rate because 1.) 2 things happen when 2 people who are dating don't understand each other emotionally, either divorce or cheating.
2.) My parents got divorced, I needed knowledge to dominate that fact to make my peace with it, so fuck off.
3.) We live in A society where the people growing up value status, being right, and being better than other people , at our core that is what our values are as A whole in society, sorry but that's just the way it is .There are VERY few people who actually just want to help just for the sake of helping or doing good, and its DISTURBING how many people want to do good so they can feel better about themselves or feel superior to people around them.
But that aside. . . .
Here is the thing. . . .This isn't the first time I've been called that. . . . .
I've also been called an incel back when I had troubles with girls and was talking about how angry and frustrated I was with them. No gendered slurs, no bigotry, yet admittedly A bit of objectification, and more importantly? An understanding that I could do better and the problem was me.
You know what one girl said? "You're still on the slippery slope to becoming an incel."
A slippery slope is A fallacy. . . . .And she says : "Yeah but still."
NO.
You don't ignore the fact that what you said Is LITERALLY incorrect factually and then try to defend it, that's bullshit.
And you know what? I've met actual incels on this site, those people HATE women.
You know what they do? They use terms like: " THOT." or talk about women only like "money" or "tall guys" or "good looking guys."
Fuck, one guy frustrated me SO much with his b/s, he thinks women are shallow and vain and only want tall handsome guys.
Otherwise, why is no one dating?
Because, women don't tolerate social inadequacy anymore. Neediness, objectifying, and A lack of grace, honesty, refusal to show vulnerability and a lack of style is unappealing in A society full of guys who have ALL of those things and don't want to bother getting rid of them.
I figured this out and I got better.
Fuck, I went out for new years last night and had SUCH A good time, I danced with A bunch of girls and A bunch of guys and flirted with a bunch of girls and A bunch of guys(Tee hee!)
You know how many girls rejected me? Lots.
You know how many guys rejected me? All of them.
you know how many fucks I gave? 0, because I just wanted to have fun, and have fun I did.
Even shared my new years kiss with A stranger.
So you know what?
Before you have the BALLS to call me an incel? You had BETTER be having A better time with women and friends than I am right now, because unless you are? I don't wanna hear shit from you.
I'm not an incel.
I don't blame my previous or future women problems on women, I blame them on me.
I don't justify said blame with clever "facts" about the gynocentric elements of our society brought up by A patriarchal upbringing in A status obsessed world.
I don't use words like :"Thot", I mean FUCK that's usually A person I unfriend on facebook within days!
This is not meant to correct anyone's thought processes, the people who are going to call me an incel made up their minds already.
This isn't meant to sway anyone's opinion on me, as I don't need approval from figurative objects.
This is not A post to make me feel better about myself, I'm doing fine and I'm happy, but I wanted the catharsis of telling people who use the word "incel" like the word "fuck" how much they suck.
The rest of you have A nice day.
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self.offmychest
|
Can I actually shoot myself please like I have nothing left lmao, i'm fucking insane, why am I forced to just suffer every single day. I can't preform basic human tasks, I can barely function why am I forced to stay alive.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nightmares and waking up at 3:00 at night. Help PLEASE I am only 14 and I had to tell somebody about this. At first i thought that it had nothing to do with my anxiety but after reading a similar post on this sub i think it may be connected to my anxiety.
I had trouble sleeping since the last month so i decided to move to a different room. That partially took care of the problem but i started having nightmares and now I'm afraid to sleep.
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self.Anxiety
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What should I say that I dont want to go to College anymore? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Watching Stranger Things made me realize that the last real friends I made were from 12 years ago and that I haven’t made any real connections with anyone since I moved away from them. I immigrated to America at 12 years old, after a childhood of moving every 2 years, to live with my parents. I didn’t know I was moving to a new country so I never said goodbye to kids in my school that I never really hanged out with bc they lived a good hour away. I was too young to own a cellphone, and too poor to own a PC so I was going to lose contact with all of them anyways. Like Max in Stranger Things, my first landing spot in the US was a small town, and, like her, a couple of eccentric kids approached me and made me their friend. I never realized that they were going to be my last real friends. I moved away a year later to a city where no one was interested in getting to know me. It was 2007, and it was starting to be the time when kids raved about myspace, facebook, and flip phones. I never owned a PC until 2011, no cellphone until 2012, no car until 2013, and I lived a good 20 minute drive away from my school so it makes sense that I was basically unavailable to my school acquaintances to make a bond that is more than superficial. Well, I think I’m being too generous there, no one really ever asked if I had a phone, an AOL, or a ride anyways. And I don’t think I was trying to be unavailable. I sat down and talked to people during lunch. I talked to people in class. I joined team sports to get to know people. Even in HS, I already felt like everyone already had their group of friends, and I got the feeling that I wasn’t welcome to join them. After all, no one ever invited me to join in, and I had no avenue to ask them to hang out with me. After HS graduation, I met a girl that ended up becoming my gf for 4 years. She was from my HS. I found out from her that kids in HS thought I had my own group and that was why no one really approached me even though they all thought I was kind and somewhat good looking. I think she only got together with me because she thought I must have social connections with the fun party non-nerdy kids. After all, a guy in several sports teams who took AP classes can’t be a loser right? Sadly, she was wrong. My “friends” in college were pretty much desperate geeky guys who were trying to get in her pants. They all left once they found out I was with her. I realized this after transferring to a uni. No one gave a shit about me. Even when I go to hang out in the game rooms, no one who I went to talk to the day before would approach me after they saw me again the next week. I guess I really just don’t understand people. After 3 years with gf, I thought that maybe even though I’m a loser she actually did love me for who and how I was. I was wrong. I caught her one morning a few weeks before I graduated from college cheating on me with a “friend” from her uni. I never felt pain like that before. Even the lone “friend” we had made together in JC didn’t contact me. She preferred to hangout with my cheating ex than me. Fastforward to the present. I’m in a grad program of 32 people. All the faculty and the cohort ahead of us talked up making lifelong connections and true friends. Sure they all talk to me in class when they need to, but I’ve found out that everyone else have group chats and talk to each other often. No one ever messages me or talks to me in class during breaks. The only guy who approached me was basically manipulating me. The girl he was into was into me and he was trying to make sure I don’t like her back by getting me on his side. I found out she was into me bc when I was asked about girls and hair, I commented that I liked them up and not let down. She would deliberately pull up her hair in front of me since then even when the occasion didn’t call for hair up in a bun. It’s almost 75% into the program now, she’s pretty much seen that I’m kind of a loner. She doesn’t pull her hair up anymore.
I know its pretty long. I just feel like I don't have anyone to say this to. My brother can't relate. He's got no problem making lifelong friends. My parents don't care. They never cared much for friendship. They cared more for expenses and possessions then and now.
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self.offmychest
|
I have to go to work. I have to take out the trash. I have to pay bills and buy groceries and do laundry. And why?
So I have what I need to go to work again and take out the trash again, pay more bills and buy more groceries and do more laundry.
To what end? What is being gained by all this tedium and expenditure of effort?
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self.depression
|
I don't care Don't even feel like writing anything. Just want some human interaction.
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self.depression
|
I’m afraid to post this I want to talk about my depression because all I receive on Reddit is negativity, but here I go...
I’m 22 but I just started my freshman year of college (full time), I work 48 hours a week at a dead end job, I have a 5 month old with a stay at home mom, and I’m starting to lose my hair. My life is a mess. I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing. However, I’m doing well. But everyday getting up and out of bed is a struggle. Everyday I when I wake I consider just giving up on everything. Other people have college graduate parents that push them to go to college and guide them through everything or at least someone close to them that’ll help. But my parents were either trying to get rid of me or just not around. They said “graduate high school, get a job, and get out.” I graduated high school and my parents didn’t even stick around for the get a job part. So I was on the streets by the time I was 19. I had no teachers that took an interest in me through my school and none of my family care about me.
While everything is fine now and I’m building my future.... knowing that I don’t have a supportive family or that no teachers through school ever got involved just makes me feel... worthless.
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self.depression
|
What do you do after a full days work? What are your hobbies, habits, and routines? What keeps you busy? When I am not busy and productive is when I get the most depressed. Keeping my mind occupied is critical, but I also suck with routine in my life. The only things I routinely do are go to my day job, work out afterwards, and eat dinner. Other than that it is all up in the air. Just want to see how everyone else spends their time after an 8+ hour day.
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self.depression
|
I don’t get how this sub works and I’ve never posted here but I think I need to What the hell do I even write here.
Currently downing a strong drink mostly to keep myself busy. Excuse the shit grammar because I’m just going to stream consciousness here. I might delete this tomorrow so that I don’t have to look at it later.
I don’t know if it’s something I’d go through with because I’m scared of it not working and having to deal with taking off work or whatever. Which is probably a weird reason but who cares.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Crying.. Again... I feel so unbelievably terrible.
Just when I thought my life was coming together, it comes crumbling down again.
When I finally start to feel better about myself and my life and like a capable adult and my family was wrong about me, life comes to drop kick me in the face and remind me that I will always be shit.
Eve worse, I can't stop thinking about how life was going to be with my ex.
He was in school, getting three really good degrees. I knew with him I'd never have to stress about money. This just makes me feel even worse because I realize that I would be using him. And I know the reason I miss him lately is because of the fact that I'm broke and about to be fucked and I just hate my life.
I want to fucking die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Enough is enough This is my declaration that I'm not giving in anymore. That I'm not giving up. Instead of folding and allowing myself to be deterred by what's happening to me I won't let it stop me from doing what I need to do. No more running. No more crying. I'm done and I'm going to start trying to live again and working towards a better life. No matter how sad things get or how bleak it looks or even if I have to lose what's left of my life I'm not backing down this time. I'm going to fight this with all the energy I have. Hopefully you won't see me posting in this subreddit as much anymore
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self.depression
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Way too anxious about being on vacation The last few years have sucked. Like really sucked. I’ve been struggling with depression, two of my grandparents died, my cat died, one of my best friend’s dad died, and then my mom died. It’s been complete bullshit and with Christmas coming up I knew it was going to be hard with so many people in my family not with us anymore.
So I decided to treat myself to a vacation and rented a condo for a week at a ski resort near my family (I also grew up near here and skied here a lot as a kid) I scored a very cheap pass to this resort this year and I thought it would be a good chance to actually get some time on the slopes.
I used to love to ski, and grew up in Vermont near a lot of great hills, but I’ve since moved to Boston and with everything that’s been going on I haven’t skied much in the past few years.
Anyway, I got this ski pass, I Air BnBed this condo, and I invited family and friends to come up and ski, or just hang out and play games or whatever. (Most of them live nearby) A few people are staying for days at a time to ski with me, and they seem really stoked for it.
Initially, I was excited too. I thought I would have a chance to relax and hang out with my friends, see my family, and actually get to ski without having to drive for 3+ hours each way. I thought this was an awesome plan which is obviously why I decided to do it in the first place.
But now I just feel so anxious and honestly sick to my stomach. I got to the condo this afternoon and got settled in and took a few runs before the lifts closed, everything is great, people are coming by tomorrow, and I have nothing to worry about but playing video games and chilling.
And honestly, I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there. I am genuinely on the edge of tears or vomiting and I have no idea why. I guess I’m just hoping that by putting my thoughts out there maybe I can let go of all this anxiety and just have a good time.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
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Load of shit So maybe it's just me being triggered by nothing but I just found this subReddit and thought maybe I can lurk and see some helpful posts but it just seems like this is a bullshit subReddit to post pictures of stupid fucking animal pics. No offense to the animals but save that shit for r/awww
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self.bipolar
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I hate happy environments I don’t like being around happy people because it makes me angry. I’m not angry at them for being happy, I’m more angry at myself for spoiling the mood. I’m at my worst during birthdays and weddings. Today is my mum’s birthday and I feel like I’ve already ruined it because I’ve been in a bad mood since I woke up. It’s her 50th and I want her to be happy but she wants me around so I know I’ll spoil her mood. My own birthday is coming up as well and I’m not looking forward to it. My parents have been asking me why I’m in a bad mood and I don’t know how to explain it to them.
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self.depression
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I hate my soon to BIL. I truly believe he might be a psychopath. He used to beat my fiancé when they were younger. He lashes out at my fiancé’s mom, who is severely mentally ill, & disabled, but is also one of the sweetest woman I’ve ever met. Fuck, I named my kid after her. He calls her at random, just to scream at her. He says horrible things to this woman. I understand she wasn’t the best mom, but the things he says are horrific. My fiancé was diagnosed as schizoaffective last week, & he’s having a really hard time with it. Despite all the shit his brother did to him when he was little, he still loves him, & called him for support. His brother gave a length, completely bullshit explanation as to why it was a false diagnosis. Saying he doesn’t hear things or see things, & how he still functions. My fiancé can explain to me in great detail his hallucinations, & you can fucking see how bad they fuck him up. You can see how terrified he is. There are days when he struggles to get out of bed, because there’s fucking shadow people surrounding him, screaming at him. He’s on meds, but we’re struggling to find something that works for him. But on his good days, he’s amazing. He’s an amazing father, & an amazing fiancé. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life. His brother called my MIL the day after my fiancé told him, saying how he was faking it, & that he was going to get our son taken away. This piece of shit has called our son an “it” since day one, & has never, ever been supportive. I have no idea what I’m going to do if I see him at Christmas, because I detest this man. Fuck.
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self.offmychest
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I have to take skill evaluations weekly and I'm about to snap. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Untitled As someone that has been as much of a ghost as can be within this society, my time alone has occasionally taken me to the thought of what an afterlife will hold. That thought, since my encounter with an absolute negative of a completely baffling entity(s)/experience, has become paramount.
That negative force(s) had totally blindsided me and forced me into questioning everything I had ever understood. I feel that these questions became, more than ever, essential and forefront to all other aspects in life (certain aspects that for all intents and purposes, just do no exist.) I had hoped modern science and testing could point to a definitive answer, even a clue as to what transpired on that night. Little by little, test by test, it has left me empty handed as to what that experience was. So my questions remain the same, albeit, of greater importance to any other.
Will there indeed be multitudes of angels to welcome me with open arms after my human eyes have closed for the last time? Will my father be there waiting for me? Or is there that absolute negative that awaits?
Being an integer that simply dissipates no longer sits right.
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self.offmychest
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Can't say no to people I've been getting better at it, especially when it comes to guys asking me out and asking for my number and all that jazz, but in regular situations I'm struggling.
For example, Mormons came to my house the other day and instead of telling them to fuck off, i said they should just drop a book by because I was constantly busy, which they took as coming to my house once a week to try to talk to me. Another thing is I work as a substitute teaching assistant and I can only work until 12:30 because I have class at the college at 1, which is a 15 minute drive away. The admin tries to get me to stay until 12:45, which totally stressed me out. I was literally sprinting to class yesterday.
Today I stayed until 12:45, pulled up to my house at 12:55 to a Mormon walking to the door. I just drove away and now I'm sitting in my car a block away hoping my brother didn't let him in. I am too much of a people pleaser it's gonna get to me one day.
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self.offmychest
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I'm so lonely but being around people gives me anxiety attacks I dropped out of high school months ago because of my anxiety. The few friends I did have left town, so I have none now. I can't even be around people, I can't leave the house. I cant get a job. Every time I think about interaction I can't breathe and I get this pain in my chest. It's so lonely, I just want a friend, but I can't even maintain friendships properly. I just end up ignoring them because of anxiety and then I'm alone again. I fucking hate this, its like a curse. I just want to be dead
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self.offmychest
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The day to day of American society makes me want to end it [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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The last straw Today on the bus I started thinking what would happen if I killed myself, then I started to feel something cold dripping down my wrist. Obviously there was nothing wrong with my hand, but I started thinking that I had already sliced my wrists and fell into a panic attack. I couldn’t even look at my hands I was so afraid. I think my subconscious already knows I’m going to do it. Either way the cashier at the Macdonalds that I’m posting this from was nice so I’ve calmed down a little bit. This was the last straw. I’m going to seek professional help. Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
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Anhedonia... Is anyone else dealing with this issue within their depression? For me, it's severely affecting my relationship (I KNOW I love him, but it's like my emotions refuse to feel it)...my hobbies, eating habits, etc.
I know that everyone with depression experiences it to a degree....but what do you do when it's so bad you can't get pleasure out of anything?
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self.depression
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do i have anxiety or am i just a “worrier” hello everyone. this is a dumb question because, well, i think i already know the answer. ever since i was young i just had these fears. fears of discipline and judgement. i thought it was normal, but then when other kids started to act off in classes and i was too worried to do so because i was scared that a teacher would yell at me, i realized i was different. i am now a sophomore in high school and life has never been worse. every morning, i wake up close to tears, if not in tears about the day ahead. i have this same feeling of “fear” that i did when i was young, but now it’s about everything. will i miss my next class? will i go to the wrong classroom? will i forget about the assignment? did i forget about a test? over and over. is this just “worrying” or is this anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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I (M45) feel I missed out on my sex life, because I've only had 3 different partners. [NSFW] [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Family members hurting my recovery, need advice I’m recently had to move back home because of suicidal thoughts and being unable to do school with depression. I’m trying to recover, but my parents keep giving me a list of what they want me to do everyday. I’m getting consistently 80-90% of the list done, but completion is hard for me right now. And everyday, my mom comes home and screams at me about how I can’t accomplish anything and am completely irresponsible or guilts me about how much she’s doing for me. If I show how upset I am, both of my parents say to suck it up or they won’t let me go back to college. I feel completely guilty, worthless, and unloved. Help!
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self.depression
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Little things ever set you off? I had been doing really good today, got off work early, got home and the package I had ordered was here two days ahead of schedule. Open it up, and I had been sent the wrong item. I know it shouldn't be a big deal, it's an easy fix, I just have to contact their customer service and they'll take care of it, but I'm sitting here feeling really upset and let down. This happen to anyone else? It always seems to be the little things like that that just make everything spill over.
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self.Anxiety
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If I doubled my dose of Zoloft (400 mg) will i be alright? Hey guys, i take the largest prescribed amount of zoloft for panic disorder, which is 200 mg. I think I might have accidently taken 400 mg today. I've been on 200 mg for around a month now.
Will I be OK? Is there a "lethal" amount of zoloft? I have narcolepsy and my memory is shit so remembering if i took my pills is pretty difficult for me. Just want to reassure that I wont be freaking out or dying over a double dose, cause i know that 400 mg is a ridiculously large dose
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self.Anxiety
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it's not so much the depression anymore, now i'm just scared of everything i honestly have no clue why or how this is happening to me.
my anxiety manifests itself in mostly physical ways, which is terrible because any kind of health-related issue feeds into a cycle of panic and i get obsessively preoccupied with the idea that i'm somehow dying. as weird as that sounds. as far as i know i'm healthy, but for some reason my muscles are always aching and the only time it becomes bearable is when i'm alone and isolated in my room.
my mother suspects agoraphobia, and i don't know if she's right but i do know that i only feel at ease when i'm alone and in a safe, comfortable, familiar environment. i have no obligations or responsibilities at the moment though so it makes me feel very useless, like i'm throwing my life away by isolating myself to lessen the heart palpitations and nausea that comes with the constant anxiety. just coming out of my room to talk with my mother takes a toll on me for some reason.
christmas was painful for me. we went to new york to see family and for some reason the day after we got to our hotel i had this searing pain in my abdomen that wouldn't go away the entire week. on the plane ride there, i kept having this terrible feeling like my throat was closing up despite the fact that i could breathe just fine. swallowing was a bit difficult. and then just constant nausea. constant fatigue. wanting to cry at everything. random panic attacks. every single day, reaching its peak christmas morning and settling after i had a glass or two of wine and then coming back after most people had left. any time we were out all i wanted was to go back home. and then the day before we were set to leave it just disappeared, almost all symptoms, and i finally felt a bit of relief but even now, still, just stepping out of my room terrifies me.
i have a therapist appointment tomorrow and i'll probably just read this post out to her in an attempt to explain this. i genuinely don't know what's wrong with my brain, or my body, and the uncertainty is probably what scares me the most about it. i just wish i didn't have a body sometimes.
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self.depression
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Help with a friend who has anxiety So my friend (16yr old female) had a breakdown last night and self harmed, she hasn't done it in about 6 months, she told me about her anxiety and depression a few months ago when we started talking after high school, I suffer from depression myself and know how much of a struggle it can be same with social anxiety.
I'm not sure how to help as the usual stuff does not help and can make things worse. She did say it was a one time thing but I know it doesn't work like that.
Is there anything I can do to help her, I'm not the best with emotional support because I find it hard with those things, is there anything I can do to help? I told her to go to the doctors about it but she refused.
(Sorry about the the lack of english skills in this)
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self.Anxiety
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I think I knew I was depressed, when it was too hard to fake not being depressed around friends.
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self.depression
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I am a male and I am extremely terrified of becoming physically unattractive to the point where it is like OCD [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My dog is dying and I’m sad How do I get over this sadness
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self.offmychest
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Feel like I destroyed my life before it began... So, long time lurker here. Pretty sure no one will respond. First off, Happy New Year's to everyone. As for me, I'm spending it alone in a NYC apartment that doesn't belong to me. Don't ask.
Anyways, I've been dealing with depression for a long time. First got diagnosed with it my senior year of high school. That was also the year I got suspended for drug use (I attended a boarding school), and subsequently got waitlisted at 5 top 20 schools that I would have got into if it hadn't been for my suspension. I hate myself for it. Just finished my first semester at a random, no-name college and it was pathetic. While I work two jobs, I isolated myself, and as a result, practically have no friends left. Always wondering what would of happened if I laid off the drugs in high school and got into a decent college.
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self.depression
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I lost my best friend and can't stop the dark thoughts (long story) I'm 16M, and I've suffered from depression for most of my life due to past sexual abuse by my mother and medical issues that kept me indoors and in pain. I thought about ending my life whenever I was home alone without my siblings because I was so lonely. Despite trying hard to make myself fun to be around, I didn't have any real friends I could connect with. That changed met the friend this story is about (Amani, 17M).
I'd seen Amani around in my school, but I didn't talk to him until we were both in 8th grade. We became best friends really fucking fast. I could talk to him about anything or nothing at all, and there would be no awkward silence. We were inseparable for two summer breaks. I felt like he was the only person outside of my family who accepted me despite the flaws with me that I can't change.
I have what is called an invisible disability, which is arguably the worst kind. I look normal from the outside, but there are plenty of normal things that I can't do like a normal person, and it tends to get under the skin of people who might otherwise be potential friends. My insides are like swiss cheese. I can't eat anything solid. It's a human instinct to share food with someone you like, and people get offended when I don't accept it. It makes the situation even worse if I kill the mood with a heavy explanation like, "I had cancer..." I don't want people to pity me.
Another problem is that I don't have any romantic or sexual desires. I don't know if it is physical, psychological, or both. You might wonder why that would matter to someone who doesn't intend to ever have sex with you, but it does. Sex is everyone's favorite topic, and someone who doesn't care about it seems like they have something to hide. I've had a lot of people try to get me to admit that I'm gay, and they think I'm just an insecure liar if I tell the truth.
Amani is the only person who understands my problems and also doesn't make me feel like a victim when I talk about them. Just talking to him for a while is enough of a confidence boost to get through something that really freaks me out. I've been devastated that things between us have crumbled over the past few months.
I feel like Amani is the one who changed a lot and very rapidly. He went from being a guy who rarely ever talked about sex to being obsessed with losing his virginity. He started doing tons of cool shit to try to pick up the trashy women he thinks will put out for him.
He started smoking and drinking to try to get with women in their mid 20s at bars. They know he's only 17 and think he's a fucking retard. He keeps getting rejected, and it makes him more bitter toward women. He's deep into the 'incel' and 'power of seduction' shit. His older sister and him always acted like they hated each other, but she's the one giving him all this shitty advice that he is taking. He links me to pages on incel forums about advice I'd given him in the past and why it's wrong because 'all women are XYZ and anyone who disagrees is a white knighting beta male'. He's fallen into a cognitive bias that we used to talk about all the time. He's become a True Believer of sexist propaganda. There's no arguing against him with logic when he responds by getting angry and claiming malice.
He's gone off the deep end in so many ways. He brings weed to school with him to show off to underclassmen, and it's only a matter of time before he gets caught. Police bring drug dogs through the halls. He got someone to hook him up with a prostitute and bragged about how she let him fuck her without a condom. I can't even begin with that one. He was one of the smartest people I knew and became a moron to get laid and he's not even successful at it.
One day he told me he spends too much time with dudes, and then he stopped eating lunch with me at school so he could sit with girls he thinks are trashy. We were drifting apart until we got to a point where we stopped even talking to each other at all. I'm not going to lie, It's been painful. I started eating lunch alone because my other friends just talk about Amani every day and what new stupid shit he's done...it makes me feel like I'm about to cry because I remember him there cracking jokes with everyone. My depression is back, and I can't stop thinking about my own lonely self or worrying about what big mistake Amani is going to make. He's a ticking time bomb at this point.
I had several serious talks with him, and he says he always wanted to be like this but couldn't until he bought a car and had some money in his pocket to do what he wanted. His parents go out all the time and just leave him alone. They don't care what choices he makes as long as he is alive when they get back.
I don't know how I can let all this go and just find more friends. I've been trying to find more best friends while I had the confidence boost of already having a good one. The right things just have to click, and they usually don't. My siblings are all out of the house, and it's just me alone every day after school until after 6. My bird died. I get rejected from every job I apply for. Therapy is useless. I can't stop thinking about self harm all the time. It would be really easy for me to do by chewing on some forbidden foods.
I'm not making this thread to ask for pity. I'm looking for advice on how to fix my life.
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self.depression
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No suicide prevention chat available when you truly need it, just makes me feel more hopeless. I guess it's another cry for help, whether answered or not. I keep pondering with the sleeping pills if maybe it's time to take all of it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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any advice for a 30 year old family man just trying to keep it together whos battling a secret depression and mild to extreme anxiety? lately it feels as if i have no one to turn to except my wife, i dont deserve her and she gives me great support but at times it feels as if i dont want her to know how i suffer from depression. I lost my late brother to suicide, my mom to a heart attack and my dad seems to be ready to make his way out. any little advice to more would be great. thx.
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self.depression
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What's the point of trying if many things in life are about luck?
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self.depression
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Anxiety from parents My mom is the source of my anxiety for sure. It is a quite strange relationship since it is only her and I in the house, along with my pets. She isn't the luckiest in terms of health and has been dealt an unlucky hand with the diseases she has. She has Parkinson's disease which is quite uncomfortable to be around. She constantly uses her disadvantages as excuses to have me help her with literally everything, and makes me feel guilty if I need alone time from this constant nurse like support. I am the parent in this relationship, if it wasn't her paying the bills it would totally be. I have to sacrifice my own emotions around her since her feelings trump mine. It has been this way for a long time. When I was really young she was on various medication that made her very agitated and hard to be around. She would throw temper tantrums around me as a kid, breaking or at least throwing things across the house, usually after flipping over the coffee table. She would quickly abandon me when I didn't do everything she wants me to, if I questioned her or asked her a question that she didn't like for whatever reason she would make threats and take things away. She would often threaten that "I would wake up one morning and see her hanging from the rafters". I wasn't even 10 when these things slipped into conversation and arguments. She often said how much better other kids in my classes are compared to me and how "they don't treat their mother this way" or whatever. I can't recall a single time where I could go to her for undeniable support. She was always taking away my computer or game devices when I spent "too much time" on it, even though it is an escape from being around her honestly. She never cares about what I am interested in, if she shows any interest its that fake parent interest where they are just unconsciously listening. More recently from the past few years is when the parkinson's really took effect in everything. She can't go a week without guilt tripping me because "she won't be around much longer" or stuff like that. She would have arguments about useless shit but would refuse to lose any argument in any way. She also says insane things like "she is scared that one day I will murder her". Now that her mother died it released all the insecurities she had that were buried deep down, she won't even leave the house for anything except picking up grocery's once a month. I honestly can't handle this shit, it is absolute lunacy to be around and has done so much emotional damage that I can't describe it. I feel like my childhood was ripped away from me because of all the constant parental pressure on me to help her and if I didn't respond to her quickly she would end up doing something destructive towards me. The most painful thing is how insecure and emotionally volatile she is, her emotions are so inconsistent that I fear talking to her every day because who knows what kind of curve ball she will throw my way today. Most kids had to worry about what toy they were getting for their birthday while I had to worry if my mom would pay her bills in time or if she would just not pay them to spite me. At the same time I had terrible school experiences, mostly alone each day, mainly because of the lack of comfort in home, I just felt it wasn't the time to get involved in friends when I can't even get involved in my own household without feeling stressed and anxious. Even recently I hear things slip into arguments that are emotionally destructive, she has no boundaries for insults and destroys your feelings and expects me to still hold up my end of the family, which I always do. She says things like she may "murder me in my sleep", "going to release your pets into the woods", "when you go to the gym I will destroy everything in your room". I am at the end of my rope and am eventually able to move out in less than a year, freedom. She will most likley say I am going to let her die or whatever, 100% my fault I am sure. I just can't handle the constant emotional volatile person in my life. Does anybody else have any experiences with people like this and how to deal with them?
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self.Anxiety
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One of those days... It's been one of those days where everything hurts and it feels like everyone hates you and is out to get you one way or another. This whole weekend has been one of those days.
I thought that I was making some progress and was finally starting to see what my life could be like without my depression weighing heavy. I lost weight. I was eating good. I took initiative to interact with other people and projects. Everything was going good, so it's really confusing to be at this low again.
Friday I slept all day and didn't go to school. Saturday and Sunday I basically stayed in the house and was throwing a pity party just for me. Now it's Monday, and I'm finding it hard to get out of bed and start my day. I really need to focus and go to school, but it's just really hard finding the motivation to do anything these days. I just want to cuddle up and cry.
How do you get over these days?
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self.depression
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I feel the mania coming. I'm scared. I'm already pretty hypo... it feels really good (doesn't it always). I haven't slept for over 24 hours. I can't stop talking. I've been shopping. I'm irritable because of the not sleeping thing. I'm jittery.
However, consciously, I know better. I know that this is bad and that this is dangerous. I was ready to leave for school when I realized my dog had hidden both my shoes. It took me 25 minutes to find my left shoe in a 790 sq foot apartment. Then, I got frustrated that my dog outsmarted me and I started getting so overwhelmed that I started overheating (my stage before shaking).
I called my psych and left a message at 4AM. I tried to come across as level headed as possible, just saying that I was having issues sleeping... which was true at the time.
I called again at around 9 AM to update them that it had gotten worse. I had vomited and I can feel the roller coaster climbing.
I want to call again because I'm so anxious and scared of this, but I'm afraid if I call again and express that I can feel incoming mania and I'm afraid of it, that I may get involuntarily committed which I don't want.
I'm at school right now and I forgot my benzos at home. I have never needed them at school, but having them up my sleeve would be really nice right now.
Update: Psych has prescribed risperidone. Antipsychotics have had a history of messing with my sleep, so fingers crossed.
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self.bipolar
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So today was awful. I am posting here because I don’t know where else to do so. Yesterday a libellous post was put on Facebook basically calling me and my actions the equivalent of Kevin Spacey. I was listed by name and it was full of half truths and distortion. It has inspired a me too brigade of imagined or blown out of proportion acts. All of which are from years ago. I would point out that these things are not sexual assault although they claim that it felt like it to them so because I have a penis it must be true. The place I go every year for a conference has contacted me and refunded my money asking me not to come because they can not guarantee my safety. I went through my Facebook today and excised almost everyone I knew from that part of my life. I’ve contemplated ending it. I don’t want to but I am so fucking alone right now and hating my life. My son hasn’t spoken to me in a year. He is 800 miles away so that makes it easy on him to avoid me. I can’t tell my wife about this. This stuff literally happened 3 years ago. Also I didn’t do what is alleged. Hell even the other person has said that I didn’t sexually assault. It just felt like that to them. I’ve lost almost everything in my personal life. Plus my team is doing horrible in its sport. I have two choices. One of which is to go on the offensive and sue for libel which a lawyer friend is suggesting. The other? Give the crowd what they want. My head.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m one bad day away I haven’t been happy for months. I don’t have anything that makes me happy or motivated. I’m just a shell and I hate it.
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self.depression
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I keep thinking about this girl There is this girl I have liked. Well I admit it is an infatuation for now I guess, I don't know her, only seen her a couple of times around campus, and on social media. But I keep on thinking about her and I have done with many girls. I hate it because I know I should just do something about it or give up, but I feel like I should try to just stop feeling this way. I either have to just take action or move on. Problem is just me, I am an introvert and got like one good friend right now, who I met this semester. The other problem is she is beautiful for sure and one of those cheerleader girls, while I am hopefully a 7, but probably a 5 to be honest.
It is hard to explain but all I do is keep dreaming about her and it is just stupid. I know I need to keep my expectations down but I wish something might happen. Basically am I being an idiot and should I just quit because my chances are slim?
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self.offmychest
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No one tells you what graduation is really like [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I use consumerism as a way of ignoring my own unhappiness. I’d change, but then I’d have to come to terms with the fact that I don’t have anything else which makes me happy. So, yeah, how can I make myself happy without buying that stupidly expensive smart watch?
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self.offmychest
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I found out someone I used to be close with committed suicide on Monday. He was a year younger than me, we met 8 years ago. We always used to talk via FB messenger, email, skype, phonecall, despite being in different countries constantly. We were both bi and promiscuous at the time we met. A lot of our conversations were explicit and uncensored. Then he met someone, we spoke less. I met someone, we basically stopped speaking.
He got married, began to settle down to a life. I couldn't make the wedding.
They watched 13 Reasons Why two weeks ago. It triggered a memory for him that he didn't want to share with his wife. He told her that he knew he'd spoken about it once with someone he used to know quite well, but he didn't remember who, didn't want to tell someone new, and didn't want to look for who he'd told.
I don't know how he killed himself, I don't want to ask his wife. His widow.
To try to understand why he did what he did, she went through all his Facebook messages. He alluded to the memory only once. With me.
He and I used to speak so much. I lost my skype account two years ago and cleared my email archive around the same time. I don't remember if he ever told me. I have nothing to tell her. I have nothing to help her understand why he left her so suddenly.
She had to go through all our messages back and forward over Facebook, every time her husband bragged about sleeping with other women and men in great detail, just for next to nothing. With next to no explanation to why he would want to leave her.
He loved her so much. I know this. I attempted suicide three years ago. I know he would have felt that it was easier and kinder for him to leave her. I know he would have been in a lot of pain to even try to take his life. But he succeeded where I failed.
Please, please, please, if you're down, if you wanna take your own life, please talk to someone. Anyone. Please don't think it'll be kinder or easier. Please check in with friends. Please don't let the blackness win.
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self.offmychest
|
Am I fucking unemployable or what? I'm currently in College (or my country's equivalent, whatever) in CIS (network management, to be more accurate), and as a part of my course, I have to do an internship at a company. I always showed up in a classy shirt, pants and shoes: I'm making an actual effort in being nicely dressed; I also have a car I can use (it's my dad's old car: he bought a new one but didn't sell it so that my sister and I could use it, and it's the family's backup car) along with a driver's license, so it's much easier to go to a company's place.
My resume isn't particularly impressive, but there shouldn't be anything that'd ruin my application: during the summer, since I'm 16 years old (20 now), I've worked at the same factory every summer, and everyone liked me, especially my boss (he called me my man once and I was beaming). Besides that, I don't have any experience in CIS besides at school, since I'm a student (what the fuck can you expect?).
There might be one somewhat minor thing that could maybe harm a bit my reputation, though. During one of these summers, the company I worked at previously first told me that they wouldn't hire students this time (turns out that they changed their minds a few weeks later, thankfully), so I had to look for another job elsewhere. There was barely anything that was sort of close to home (I didn't have a car at my availability during that time) besides some company that made a special variant of plastic bags, so I applied there due to a lack of choices.
However, it turned out that I shouldn't have applied there: I didn't read that previous job's description well enough, so I didn't notice that the job was at an assembly line (thus very reliant on manual tasks) which is kind of a problem since I've had lesser than average motor skills ever since I was born. Anyway, turns out that I hated this job because it was repetitive (though I still did my best) and got fired 2 weeks after I started since I didn't perform well enough (I wasn't fast enough due to my reduced motor skills). I didn't list this in my resume because I was ashamed of my poor performance, worked there for only a very short time, and didn't want my reputation to be tarnished because I mistakenly applied to a job that wasn't made for me.
Anyway, I've been rejected by four fucking different companies and am starting to be desperate (there are other offers left, but they're all MUCH less interesting and are located in places that are kinda far from home), but one of them particularly irritated me.
Meet F inc, a company that's in the middle of nofuckingwhere town. Despite being in the middle of nowhere, I still applied because their offer was interesting and it was not too far from home (about 35-40 minutes, which isn't that bad in my opinion). It's a tiny company, though: there was only 1 IT guy who might as well be considered the CTO since he's the only one with knowledge in IT. He mentionned having a lot of work all the time since he was working alone, which is probably why they offered an internship. It's not even close to any other college (not even my own!) and none of my class comrades applied there, so I can't fathom how anyone else would accept their offer. Why the fuck wouldn't you hire the ONLY guy who bothered to not only accept your offer, but also drive all the way there? Good job, F inc, you might as well not post anything since you're fucked and won't have anyone else apply for you.
There are about 5 offers left, but they're either garbage (one of the companies REQUIRE you to have a car, but won't pay for your transport and won't pay you, so you'll have to pay everything out of your own fucking pocket), at far places, or in my state's metropolis (I want to avoid going there because there's a shit ton of car traffic all the time and it takes a ridiculous amount of time to get there when you take the bus + subway, so fuck this).
It'd be fucking ridiculous if a lack of intership was the only thing that'd make me drop out of college, since I've spent 4 years studying there and got decent grades; I'm probably fucked and don't know what I'll do if no one will hire me.
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self.offmychest
|
Working retail while depressed How do you do it? Im struggling so much with depression recently. I also work at a extremely busy store. I'm also hyper-sensitive to rudeness and poor manners. Every day I'm at work is such a huge struggle. Everyone is so mean. All the time. I always leave work feeling suicidal.
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self.depression
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