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I am so lonely now I don't understand how people can talk to others and meet people outside of school, I see my school friends maybe once a season at most... I used to have online friends to talk to every night after school, but well, they all either hate or heavily distrust me now save for two, one of whom is always with her boyfriend and the other can never get time to Skype anymore. Now I feel like a hermit whenever I'm at home. There's just tons and tons of lonely and miserable thoughts filling my mind. My brother somehow is LITERALLY never not Skyping someone when he's not at school or asleep, and he complains about having nobody to talk to, when I consider myself exceptionally lucky to Skype one person for five minutes once a week...
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self.depression
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Just sad As of 10 minutes ago my birthday ended. Not a single member of my family, friends, or co-workers wished me a happy birthday. Not suicidal from it but I just needed to say it somewhere. I knew I wasnt THAT loved or whatever but this all really put it into perspective.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thoughts about evolution Hi,
I wrote a text about depression, anxiety and stress and really want to share with you. I hope it brings peace to your heart and mind.
https://medium.com/@vibaro/theres-a-ship-at-our-horizon-9d5267e3daed
I want to hear you, let's talk about it.
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self.depression
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Reasoning?? What even is this? If I was to say In this post that I am going to kill myself in 15 minutes what would happen? People commenting saying don't do it? I do not understand anymore. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I think my brothers might get affected negatively from their big sister necking herself. I'm sorry about this I just am sick of looking and looking and looking. I am nihilistic which has also helped me hold on a little bit. But I have a serious problem with myself. I can't hold a friendship over 1 year and my mother tells me i make my grandma want to die and from those 2 examples what do I take back about myself
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bipolar people of reddit, why would you or wouldnt you date yourself? (Or someone with BPD) Ive seen several forums about people in relationships, or have been in relationships with people with bipolar disorder.
MOST comments where very negative. MOST people simply stated "run the other way".
A few loved their SO deeply, just as long as they stayed on their meds.
K cool. Nbd.
BUT i dono, i think im a pretty decent catch, even with the disorder.
I would date me, and I would date someone with BPD in general.
Since i have it i know that not everyone with BPD is the same when manic or depressed. Theyre manic stage or depressed stage as well as their balanced stage would have to vibe with who i am as a person.
For example: No amount of mania is going to lead me to cheat. Dance on a bar? Perhaps.
The seeing things and hearing things can be weird, but it can also be really intriguing. I dated one guy who loved hearing about it. My family and friends just get super freaked out so no one ever knows when this is happening. Im just really stoic and withdrawn. I dont want to scare them.
What about you? Would you date yourself or someone with Bipolar Disorder? Why or why not?
(Not borderline, perse, but if you have that and feel like chiming in go ahead im interested)
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self.bipolar
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To people who complain about their judgmental, guilt-tripping parents: thank you [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I️ just lost my job and am struggling to get out of bed. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sitting at a party my family is having, and my anxiety is killing me! Sitting in a corner self medicating. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don't know what to do I have 3 essays due tomorrow, can't get in touch with my teachers and was absent yesterday. My hands are shaking and I can't get any work done. I can't calm myself down and I don't know what to do... I need help for relieving stress, anything to help
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self.SuicideWatch
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Found this game called Life, but my character has this annoying Debuff called Depression, honestly seems a bit unfair. [deleted]
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self.depression
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What have you guys done when hypomania symptoms make it difficult to function? This would be fine if I knew how long it was going to last and I didn't have to do anything, but I don't think I will be able to attend classes/make it to work in this state. I would go home, but I know I won't be able to sleep. I am bouncing off the walls mentally right now. My thoughts are crashing into each other, I have no conception of time, and am just generally in what feels like virtual reality. I don't think I'm in any danger, so the hospital doesn't seem appropriate, but I'm not quite sure what to do other than drive myself nuts.
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self.bipolar
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I'm afraid for my 20 year old brother - need some feedback / perspective [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m so tired of everything I’m tired of everyone looking at me as a failure and being right. I’m tired of not being able to hang out with anyone because of these stupid high school social circles. I’m tired of trying and failing every time. All I want is someone to talk to and help me work against my thoughts. The people who enjoyed ruining me have support circles, but apparently I’m not allowed one. If I’m not allowed to have a support circle, why can’t I just get a way to end it all peacefully. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m such a pussy, I spent last night secretly crying my eyes out. That’s not something real men do. That’s something pathetic boys like me do.
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self.depression
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Advice for my unsuppprtive parents. I've suffered with anxiety since I was about 15, now 21, and have been doing really well the last couple of months. Just after Christmas i had a really bad patch for a month and had to go back on meds and had to take some time off work. I still have the occasional bad day, but today I just couldn't make it to work. I got to the station to get the train and had an anxiety attack so had to go home. I live with my parents at the moment (although I am moving out in September to live with my partner and i am starting University). When I got home, clearly upset, my dad just looked at me and sighed and my mum is angry with me for not going in. When I was going through my bad patch, my Mum said that I just didn't have it in me to go to University and i will never be able to go. Does anyone have any advice on how to further explain how I am feeling? I constantly feel like I am a disappointment to them.
- my dad has suffered with depression and anxiety himself and they have both been supportive years ago, but they have a 'I give up' attitude because i still have rough days from time to time.
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self.Anxiety
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my friend is going to kill herself I don't know how to cope with it [deleted]
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self.depression
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Porn addiction So I have been in this sub for a while. I try to comment and help when I’m feeling good. Have met some cool people. Thanks everyone for a cool place to talk.
I’m to embarrassed/ashamed to talk about this with my other profile.
I am a pornography addict and have been trying to be clean/sober for a very long time. Longest time clean was about 2 years. Whenever I slip or go into a binge, it sends me into such a low all I want to do is die. Like planning it out and stuff. Then, when I’m feeling ok for a bit, it’s like I will use pornography to make the dopamine hit and go into a manic phase. It’s like a switch I can use. But that always goes to far and I go back low.
My doc diagnosed me as bipolar even knowing the addiction. I feel like my episodes are so closely tied to my usage.
Does anyone else get seriously f’d up with manic/depression from pornography use?
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self.bipolar
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God every firework is like another knife through my heart [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I just cannot be bothered being awake anymore, I like sleeping and dreaming, it takes me away from the shitty reality of life. Even nightmares asleep are better than the nightmares when I'm awake. I can't focus on my school work anymore because of how depressed I am and there is nothing to distract me from this pain, only when I'm asleep can I truly escape from the sadness and awfulness of life.
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self.depression
|
Has anyone ever called in to work because depression/anxiety was too overwhelming? Lately my depression and anxiety have been weighing heavily on me. I've been getting so stressed about work and life in general, and there are times when I've had panic attacks the night before having to go in. Normally I would just call in sick, but I work in a nursing home, and have chronic migraines. If I call in and don't have a replacement, another nurse has to stay for 8 more hours to work in my place. I've already had to call in more than I want to, and I'm afraid of being fired, but at the same time, I have the mental health concerns to deal with when my migraines are fine. I've tried asking coworkers to swap/work for me, but that can be hard, especially when a depressive episode hits suddenly. I don't want to go to HR about this because I'm worried that they might think that I'm unfit to hold my license and try to report it or something. I don't want this to be a routine or frequent thing, but am looking for advice on how to deal with this when it gets overwhelming.
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self.depression
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My doctor asked why I drink... And I didn't have an answer for him in the moment. But I do now. I drink because i get seven days every five years. Seven days, I think that I can make changes, write the story I've always wanted, and live the life I want. And then it goes away. Like a faery fart in a tornado. Ripped away. And until that time comes again, I wish away every fucking moment. Because nothing compares to that. To even just the hope that anything is possible. And I don't know why anything less than that is worth living for.
And people wonder why "stable" bipolars kill themselves. If "normal" is always just a little depressed, why fucking bother.
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self.bipolar
|
Feel like i just got slapped by depression I was having fun playing games with friends, I get up to do something and get a headache and BAM, now I'm in a super agitated depressed mood just out of no where. Have no idea what caused it, like he just dropped in to remind me "hey I'm still here, have a nice shitty rest of the night and get angry at your friends for no reason"
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self.depression
|
The loneliest time of year (me rambling about loneliness) Tomorrow everyone will resume normal operations since Christmas is finally over... but New Year's makes me feel shittier than Christmas. The biggest reason is because the 1st is my birthday. I always feel like a person's birthday should be their day to feel special/happy, and I never do. It just makes me super lonely because I never have that special someone to share a kiss with at midnight, and I never have friends to celebrate/party with. Maybe that's all my fault... I don't know. I'm just so fucking lonely, and this year is the worst. I keep thinking about my ex. I miss him so fucking much. We broke up because he was (is) depressed and "couldn't give me what I need." I understand, but damn there's a lot I would give to be able to hold him again and celebrate with him. I want this new year to be better, and I don't think I'm going into it with the right mindset... How do I stop depending a big chunk of my happiness on being with him? Or with anyone for that matter? Am I supposed to be okay with being alone? I don't know... Sorry for the rambling, I just want to sort my feelings.
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self.depression
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My view on what we call Humans. I want to open up about my vision on how I see the world and how I sometimes despise humans.
Our planet is sick, can we just turn a blind eye on it? Various species disappeared or are not to far from being extinct, why? Humans pratically holds 60 to 90% of these sad realities, without touching the subject of sickness such as cancer and many more, isn't (H)umans a terminal disease for our the Earth? Probably.
Let me explain why I decided to think as such, with the recent conflict between the U.S.A and North Korea, who would suffer more concequences? The U.S or N.K? None of these, it would have been the populations of both sides, this is war, rarely does it affect the 5% of world leaders but, populations are sent in the midst of these warzones, suffering - constently.
In our current society, we are the ones that are used to feed the ones of these 5%, why? Because the company leaders recieve more money than the one sweating day and night only, to barely be able to pay off their rent, food and their next lift to return to work the next morning...
Pollutions are affecting the Earth and species around the world yet, only to keep their pockets full, cars are kept on being made to be used of petrol, polluting the planet, it isn't that electric cars are hard to make or does not offer the required performances, it is because companies want to keep making their profits.
Knowing that all of these actions make not only Earth but, species and us as well suffer, why is it that not everyone can eat and have a basic lifestyle without stress? Why do only a minority of people can smile without worrying? Yet, (We?) want to go to Mars? Speaking of Mars, is it even everyone that will be able to go to Mars when we have finished destroying this planet?
Where did everything go wrong? When we started to walk on these two feets or when we have started to think? Or simply that somewhere along the line, this minority of person was always present even before then, the leader of these group of Humans traveling were bound to have benefit of doing so...
I am not saying that all Humans are trash or anything as such, just that, somewhere, we have strayed from the path of being Humans to only being Humans.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone else get that weird gut feeling I get this feeling in my stomach like I need to cut it out. Get rid of it completely. Idk why Im even writing this. Im tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I should really stop looking forward to things. I've dealt with disappointment my whole life, and as a result, rarely look forward to things anymore.
Today, due to something out of my control, I missed out on something i looked forward to.
This makes me uniquely frustrated and sad at the same time.
I would prefer not to go into too many details, I just really had to get this out of my head.
Thanks for listening.
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self.offmychest
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Drugs and self medicating So in order to cope with my mental illness I’ve started doing cocaine once or twice a week. The come down isn’t that bad and it actually helps me come out of a depressive phase for at least a day or two. The last time I did it I was super depressed after but that’s because I only did like .5.
I get paid tomorrow so I’ve been strongly considering picking up again. I know I need to save money to find a new place and that I really shouldn’t be doing this anyway since it gives me lockjaw like a motherfucker. However I can’t help it.
I was wondering if anyone had any advice or reasons for me not to go and buy an 8ball or something tomorrow. I could really use a good reason from an outside source because I’m not strong enough to talk myself out of it alone.
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self.bipolar
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Do any of you have the impression that your gut health deteriorates when depression gets worse or vice versa? I definitely feel that there is a connection for myself - I am not sure about the direction of causality though
Science is finding out about more and more the important of gut health for mental illness. I hope that might eventually bring EFFECTIVE treatment options some day - if not for us then at least for future generations.
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self.depression
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No one likes me and I dont know how to change No one likes me. I dont mean that in an overly dramatic, self-pity, low self esteem kind of way. I mean literally everyone I know, friends and family, dont like me. I am 25 and have 0 close friends. I've had a handful of friends in different stages of my life like high school, then college, then after college/work but none were close relationships. I take initiative and start conversations and try get people to go out for lunch/dinner/happy hour but hardly anyone joins. They rarely ever ask me to join them. Even my online friends I know from real life avoid me. I always ask them to play games with me, but they never ask me to join them. I see them play games with each other though and its always me asking to join.
Since moving out of my parents house, I feel like even my family doesnt like me. When I call my mom, I want to talk about my new apartment or how I got a new TV or how there is a really nice park a couple blocks from my house that I eat lunch at. I started to notice that she would try and end the conversation early by saying "ok, thats nice, now get some rest" or something along those lines. Its not like Im talking her ear off, its just a couple of minutes. When I ask how she and my dad are doing, she just says they are "ok" or "doing well" and nothing else. Its like when you ask someone, "what music do you like", and they just say "I like all kinds of stuff". You know they are not interested in the conversation.
For thanksgiving, we had a family meal and I felt very distant from my siblings. I started a new job, moved to a new city, and no one started any conversation with me. I felt like I was eating dinner at a strangers house. Like if you joined a friends thanksgiving dinner with their family and you just kind of sit there while your friend's family all talk about stuff with each other. I felt left out.
I noticed this behavior from my coworkers too. When I first joined, they were very polite and helpful. Now when I speak to them, I feel like they are hearing me but not paying attention. Theyll just continue to look at their computer screen and say yes/yup/okay/sounds good. Im not asking a ton of questions or looking for complete undivided attention with a bright smile, its just feels like Im being dismissed.
The best way I can describe the way I feel with those around me is that I am being dismissed or cause them to be exhausted/annoyed when they interact with me. I feel like talking to family/friends is like a chore to them. I dont think I am annoying or rude. Like I said, when I talk to my mom, its just a couple of minutes, not hours, and shes already trying to end the conversation. I talk to and ask my coworkers questions once or twice a day, not hounding them with questions.
I dont feel sad about this because I think this is how its been my entire life. Only now am I noticing this because I am an adult and have to put more effort in trying to connect to others. I want to say that this is all in my head, but another part of me says to not call my family or ask friends to do things with me because I honestly feel like a burden to them. I ask my myself if Im being abrasive in any way but cant find anything that causes this. Maybe Im just "weird" or put out "bad vibes".
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self.offmychest
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A stranger complimented me I was walking with a friend back to our dorm when she spotted a couple of people that she knew. I stood by and waited for them to finish their conversation and out of the blue, one of the girls tells me that I'm really pretty. I'm insecure about my looks and this insecurity only increased once I started college two months ago. To hear this stranger tell me otherwise seriously made my day. As my friend I continued walking, I told her how surprised I was to get that compliment, and in response, she asked me why I felt that way when it was true. To be complimented twice on my appearance gave me a bit of my confidence back and overall just made me feel really good about myself. I want to start being more open with my own compliments the can definitely mean a lot to the receiver.
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self.offmychest
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"Spoonerisms" and language breakdown Does it happen to anyone else where your brain will switch consonants in spoken language, if you can find the right words in otherwise normal conversation to begin with? E.g. "fucking butter" becomes "bucking futter"...
The only other thing analogous to this is so-called "word salad" as seen in schizophrenia, that I know of at least. Sometimes I get confused, my language gets jumbled, I say nonsense words, I say the right words in the wrong order, its...nothing I have any conscious control over and it really, really fucking scares me.
I'm a smart guy. I have a bachelors, and I've really gone my entire life with some assurance in my intelligence. Having small breakdowns like this, without any control over when they happen, even though they're relatively minor lapses, is terrifying and frustrating and scary. I just want to know I'm not the only one struggling with this.
I'm close to tears writing this. This really scares me. I don't know what I can do about this.
EDIT: A phrase I used in describing it to a friend earlier was "verbal dyslexia." I think that's succinct enough to get the struggle across of what I'm dealing with.
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self.bipolar
|
My experience The internet is beautiful because it can give us the illusion of anonymity with our problems and the illusion of a community by sharing our problems with others.
I have been "depressed" for about the last two and half years - kind of a sinusoidal curve where I believe things are getting better only to peak and then fall back down again. Each low feels like a lower low. I just started college two months ago - and I feel like I have hit an insurmountable wall. I go to a fairly prestigous university, and I constantly feel like I do not belong in my classes. My grades are not as high as everybody else's. And I feel like I am just falling behind more and more everyday. My motivation to succeed has been snipped a little bit everyday by the understanding that I will never be as smart as a lot my peers.
I know what I would like to do in the world. I know how I would like to make a difference. But I feel incapable of making such a difference in the world today. It seems important to me that the most important thing in the world is to leave it a little bit better than it was . And it has been a hard realization to learn that I am most likely incapable of doing this.
I have always had drive; I have been told that I have a good sense of ambition - of dreams and of hope for the future. But for the last two months, I have learned that my dreams are most likely going to go unfulfilled by me.
I apologize for my grammar; I am more focused on content than I am on punctuation for this post. I also apologize for giving my problems to a subreddit that already has so many.
Best all luck to you all
-thecoolcatwiththehat
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self.depression
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I'm getting so tempted to just run away from it all... [deleted]
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self.depression
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Lost Hope Regained Life
Why do we bother
Pain is what it brings
Fleeting moments of happiness
Time is limited
Time has lapsed
My love for you as true as night
I hold you tight
never want to let you go
your smile brings me joy
but when its gone so am i
Staring at the darkness
It beckons
It wants me
It wants to envelope me
take me within its fold
I run
You won't take me
I am light
I am the trying to be the best I can be
The darkness wont touch me
I wont welcome you anymore
You have no place here
You've been replaced
The light will show me the way
Your shadow is of no concern
As my life will be mine not yours
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self.depression
|
Today I played my favourite game, while watching my favourite show and eating my favourite dinner but I still feel like crap I feel so stupid. All the time. Nobody cares what I think and nobody sees me. Sometimes I actually wonder if I'm invisible. I'm also addicted to cutting so that's great I guess. I have severe trust issues and my therapist has suddenly and out of the blue gone bonkers. Let me give you some context. I live in a medium sized house with two brothers, my parents and my cat. I live in an upper-middle class family. We have money, food, a house, two cars and access to therapy. I spoke to my therapist yesterday. I told her that I always feel lonely and depressed. First she said that all teens think they have depression. She then reminded me that 'Depression doesn't exist.' Which later turned into 'Stop lying for attention!' We also discussed how everyone has trust issues because really, no one is trustworthy. YES, she told me that no one is trustworthy! That is surely going to help me open up about my feelings.She also felt the need to tell me that she does not recommend therapy for 12 year old's because they haven't experienced life yet. I CAN'T EXPERIENCE LIFE YET! I spend all my time curled up in a ball on the ground crying! I cut my wrists in the bathroom every week, it's actually become a kind of bedtime ritual. She says "you don't need to just hide from the world, go do things that make you HAPPY!" Seriously? I really don't think she has EVER met someone with depression. She knows nothing about depression whatsoever. See that's the thing about depression, all the things that normally make you happy... THEY DO NOTHING. I am sitting, playing Minecraft and watching New Girl with MY CAT, MY BELOVED CAT! And yet I still feel like crap.. I'm on new anti-depressants, THEY'RE DOING NOTHING! I am so sick of nothing working! We then discussed how I just need to think happy thoughts and I will then be happy forever. And finally, the cherry on top, she tells me that I am UNGRATEFUL and IMPOLITE. Sometimes I am selfish, sometimes I am mean, and yet the only two insults in the world that do not apply to me are being impolite and being ungrateful. I am thankful for everything I have ever received in my entire life. Whether it's the phone I got for Christmas or the barbie set my aunt gave me three years after I outgrew barbie. And Impolite? I am by a long shot the most polite kid in my school filled with 700 kids. All my friends parents think that I'm a good influence. I say please and thank you, I offer to help with anything they need. I have gone to my friends house, helped make dinner, set the table and cleaned up her dishes. You might actually think that she was my guest at my house. I am just so sick of trying. All my therapists suck, all my friends suck, all my meds suck, all my teachers suck. All I want to do is sit back, cut and cry. But I can't because I have to keep on living even though I don't want to keep going. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I just don't get the point? I'm so tired of letting my walls down just to get hurt. I don't tell my friends anything real, because I don't trust them. And while my therapist sounds a little nuts, the funny thing is that I really thought things were working for awhile. A few sessions ago we really connected and I actually told her real things, not just what I thought she wanted to hear. I can't keep putting myself through this. I feel like I'm living a lie and I just don't want to do this anymore. Living is overrated. What's the point of living if you aren't enjoying it anyway? I feel so empty and drained. I just need to sleep so that I have enough energy to live in this hell-hole again tomorrow. I just think that.. I've done my time here you know, God had a really fun 12 years messing with me and wripping out my soul. It's a little ironic actually because everyday here, well everyday here, my will to live dies a little inside. I'm just feel ready to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I Need someone to talk to // Questions Hey guys, I hope y'all have been having a great day, b/c mine wasnt so great. For anyone who will listen and read this please let me provide some backstory / background text for the reason of me making this post.
Recently, I've been feeling a little bit "down" as some would put it. I've been working my ass off in school, and I'm trying. I really am. My goal is to get all A's & B's, because I want to succeed. I have goals for the future. Or at least I had goals. Today I went from a 84.4 (B) to a 54.2 (F) and It kinda reminded me of something : I feel like a robot, doing the same thing everyday. Wake Up, School, work, etc. I've been struggling with my past depression too, But at my school, there's no one to talk to about it. And here's the worst part : They crack jokes about depressed people....and I laugh. Sometimes I join in. I feel like shit because of that. I already cant talk to anyone because of that. But now I'm putting down the people who are in the same boat as me. I'm fucking disgusting, and I know it. On top of that, my friends hate suicidal people. I cant even tell anyone I know about it. I've been struggling with depression for a while. I've been hospitalized for it 3 times, and at the time of this, I'm 15, and two of them have happened in the same year. Not good. I've tried different meds, like Seroquel, which I have 400MG for. I've been contemplating suicide alot. But I feel like I've just been becoming a hollow shell of myself. I dont know who I am, or what I'm gonna do. I've tried stuff like sports, but it hasn't worked. I've been raped before. 3 times, And I make jokes about that too. I'm an evil cunt. A horrible son of a bitch. I deserve to die. I've done drugs before, yet I critisize others for it. I'm a joke. A hypocrite. I've self harmed, yet I make jokes about it. What kind of sick fuck am I?
And most recently at my last hospitalization (AUGUST, 2017)I met this girl. Cheyanne was her name. Hospitalized for Meth possession and use. Fast foreward and she liked me. I still dont know if i really liked her or if i just led her on, but some part of me knows : I led her on. I fucking suck. She really really liked me and I led her to believe something false. Fuck. I've been abused before, but I've hit my sisters a couple times. Although it was never too frequent, I know I am a shitbag. I've punched, smacked and hit them. Females. I've stolen from my mother and have hidden money from her when everyone else was starving. Why do I deserve to live?
I'm scared of committment and I haven't been in a real relationship since 2015. Fuck. I'm Bipolar and depressed with anxiety disorder. I feel lost. I don't know why I do some of the shit I do. I don't. And I know I need to be punished for it.
My last real relationship with this girl (Anorexic btw) went sour. I was the reason she cut herself, why she wouldn't eat because we would always fight. I wasn't even supposed to be born. My "dad" had an abusive relationship with my mom. I was essentially the product of abuse and // or rape. Holy Fuck.
My youngest sisters dad had repeatedly beaten my mother, and I let it happen. I still remember the night when I could hear my mom being choked the fuck out and I was acting like I couldnt hear it. I'm fucking disgusting. I still remember the day when he stomped her out while she was pregnant, yet i'd always crack jokes at my mom and agree with him. Fuck me.
I'm loud, im obnoxious. I dont shut up. I lead people on. I rob. I steal. I sin. I'm a disgrace. If you have read this far, can someone please help me? Advice? Anything. Can someone give me a reason to live? I have a canister of 27 400MG SEROQUEL PILLS. I don't wanna die. Please help. PLEASE HELP. I'm almost crying. Holy fuck im crying. I need help. HELP.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Getting my first tattoo today... And ofc naturally i’m extremely anxious. Doesn’t help that I’m in a high stress period and my anxiety has been giving me a lot of physical symptoms the past week. Any tips? I’m not getting it in a known high pain spot, and I chose this artist because she’s known to not be heavy handed.
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self.Anxiety
|
If there was gun in my hand right now I wouldn't even think twice. [removed]
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self.depression
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im sick of my stupid life im sick of being 24 years old and having a useless bachelors degree and no motivation to go back to school, and knowing im not smart enough for graduate school. i'm sick of being ugly and watching all the attractive people be happy with their fucking lives. im sick of having no friends and of getting rejected by guys constantly. im sick of people just telling me to go to therapy like itll help me solve all my fucking problems- that 'you just havent found the right therapist yet!' ive been in and out of therapy for the last 7 years of my life, wasted thousands of dollars, it has never helped me. im sick of having ugly teeth, bad skin, a huge nose and nausea everytime i eat something. im sad that my parents dont give a shit about their only child. im sick of doctors not taking me seriously. im sick of barely being able to make a living wage. im sick of being scared of suicide- because im scared of becoming a vegetable if i fail.
im sick of my stupid fucking life.
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self.offmychest
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I really to talk to someone I’m feeling so anxious and hopeless right now
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self.SuicideWatch
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Sometimes I wonder why god made a person like me.. a push over, bashful as hell, awkward, weird, pushes everything down, has so much heart ache, pushes everyone away exc...
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self.Anxiety
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Is the diagnosis worth it? Hi, all. New to Reddit, so excuse me if I am doing anything wrong here. I just want some opinions on the following situation.
I was diagnosed with a number of psychotic disorders on the schizophrenia spectrum, but I didn't find my experiences related to those of people on that spectrum. I found that a combination of low dosage aripiprazole (works as a mood stabiliser on that dose, rather than an antipsychotic) and lately some SSRI medication helped me cope better than anything else, I have been out of hospitals for almost 5 years.
Now my current UK psychiatrist tells me that what I have experienced were actually manic states and not psychotic breaks, and I can agree to that, even my previous doctors did, I did have two full blown psychotic breaks when I went unmedicated for a long time, but generally my disorder was rather mania-related than anything else and I never hallucinated in my life.
Coming to the point of this post, my doctor tells me to look into both schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder to see which one seems closer to my experiences. Now, both of them are mood disorders, but I seem to fit better in bipolar, as I have the risk-taking behaviour, grandiosity, hypomanic states even medicated and depression, complete with suicidal ideation and sexual relaxation, anxiety attacks when depressed and social anxiety. I will look instinctively for anything that might trigger or satisfy my manic state , spending, sex, caffeine overuse etc, then do and say stupid things I feel are legit only to realize, when I get back in the depressive state, that my behaviour was disastruous and feel ashamed. So there.
Problem is, my current medication is keeping me within highly functioning limits of my states and with some therapy I could fight the suicidal thoughts and anxiety as well, so I am afraid to tell my doctor what my findings are, so that I don't have her deciding to put me on Lithium. I have history of thyrroid issues in the family and Lithium is known to trigger that kind of problems, plus I am functioning well using aripiprasole as a mood stabiliser.
TL:DR Is it worth pushing to get a diagnosis of bipolar if I am already functioning on aripiprasole on a low dose, with few to no side effects? The risk is to be put on lithium instead, and not be highly functioning anymore, as I happen to get all side effects for all medication that I tried before, aripiprasole is the only one I can tolerate. I mean, it's good to know what my diagnosis should be instead of schizoaffective or schizophrenia, but is it worth talking to my pdoc about it openly? I am certain she will agree to my conclusion, but I am afraid she might want to tamper with the cocktail of medication that kept me sane-ish for so long.
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self.bipolar
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Tell me something about your most recent nightmares I have nightmares 5 nights a week and I don't know what's happening to me
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self.depression
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Have you noticed if your physical appearance changes in mania vs. depression? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I'm not going to let my brain take my happiness away. I'm going back to therapy today.
I first went to therapy years ago. It helped me through the end of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Then therapy helped me through another relationship, one that ended on bad terms when I had to break up with the person for reasons we couldn't control.
I stopped therapy while I was single for a few years. I was pretty happy for that time, because there was little emotional weight on me.
Now, I'm in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. But somehow, even though everything is okay, I'm not okay.
My significant other is very supportive. Our relationship is full of love and communication. But, as I'm sure anyone reading this can relate to, my brain chemistry combined with my past experiences results in the creation of problems that aren't real. I know they're not real, but I can't get rid of them by myself. Neither can my SO.
I'm getting help. I'm hopeful. This time, I'm not going to let my brain ruin something beautiful.
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self.Anxiety
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My mind is spartic so this may be hard to read. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need help I just had a panic attack. It feels like my body wants me to kill it. I don't know if I'll have a place to live pretty soon. I'm so scared to talk to people, even writing this is a big deal for me. I dropped out of school at 15 and was a shut in until 19. I don't know how to make friends, I don't know how to be likable. I can't talk to people, I can't cross the street, I can't get a job, I can't drive, I can't even fill out a check I'm so stupid.
My grandpa has given up on me. I think I'm too old for anyone to care about me. Too old to be having talks about what I want to do with my life. My life should've already started.
My grandma tells me that I'm ugly and stupid and I'm never gonna do anything with my life. She beat the shit out of me and all 3 of her foster kids. She turned all of us younger kids against each other. I'm terrified of my grandma. I'm completely reliant on her for food and clothes.
This past year my mom seemed like she wanted me in her life and I thought we were getting close so I told her some of the things that happened to me when I was little. She was the first person I ever told. Now she doesn't want to be around me and she doesn't talk to me. I regret saying anything at all.
The older I get the more I realize how fucked up my childhood was, and that once people find out you've been damaged in that way they want to distance themselves from you, and I guess that's normal, but it hurts to be left alone, abandoned all over again.
Whatever's wrong with me gets worse and more intense with age. I thought I would even out by my mid-twenties.
I need help, I don't even know the first move. I want to talk to other people. I need advice on how to talk without being scared. I want support from someone and I want to give support in return. I want to feel needed and helpful. What things can I do to help myself?
I want to be normal, live on my own, work, be a productive citizen and all that good stuff. But I feel like I'm trapped, and that no one loves me, and no one wants me to do good or have a nice life. I feel like the only way to get away from this feeling is to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel so lonely. I just feel like no one will ever love me, and this scares me. All i want is to be happy. For once
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self.depression
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It's too late for me An engineering degree is useless if I am not working as an engineer.
I did all the right things yet 6 months later still no engineering job. A bunch of people mentioned that interviewers care more about how you answer a question than what. Interviewing seems to be my biggest struggle. Yet those interpersonal skills are crucial for everything: making friends, finding a wife, getting promotions, etc.
Most of everyone's big moves: career, significant other, house, friendships, first kid, establishing themselves in a community and building roots happens in their 20s. The 30s are for refining those big moves: marrying your girlfriend, getting a puppy, promotions, more children, etc. People who don't make those moves like the creepy guy who hangs around my aunt are losers
I'm 26 and terrified at the thought of being alone and not being able to build those roots or having sub-par results compared to someone who had little to no problems in their 20s.
Why keep going if my life is going to be sub-par? The only thing stopping me is devastating my Catholic parents who think suicie3 means hell or deep down there is a hell and I will go straight down if I kill myself
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self.SuicideWatch
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Figuring out meds So I saw my doctor today and since we upped my Lamotrigine last time I think I've gone full mania instead of my regular hypo and I think he could tell that I'm still up because I wouldn't really shut up where usually I don't talk unless he asks me a question. So we are upping my quetiapine and seeing how that goes. If that doesn't work he said we are going to switch to lithium.
The other night I got black out drunk and wrote a list of things I've wanted to tell him but I get too nervous too (yay anxiety) but I didn't end up handing it to him (yay anxiety again). I've been having some auditory hallucinations since I've been up. Usually at night. It's like someone turned a tv on and I can't find where, then it's gone. I dunno if that's part of the mania or if I'm just going crazy now or what.
On a good note I've somehow managed to save a good chunk of money for my tattoo appointment at the end of the month. I haven't spent it all. Though I have like $14 in my bank now because I spent what I didn't take out and hide in cash. 😑😑
I'm on 150mg lamotrigine and I'll be going up to 150mg quetiapine. Hopefully that works out. Anyone have any advice if I do end up on lithium? The name itself sounds intimidating.
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self.bipolar
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The way women work out is one of the most cringe-worthy and insulting to one's intelligence I have ever seen, and it urks me how much ya'll are being LIED to repeatedly. Okay, so. . . . One day I was on facebook and some guy was calling fat people lazy, he was fat, and he worked out and he lost his weight, good for him.
A girl came in and said she dieted perectly, she ran 2 miles every day, lost no weight, and couldn't meet her goals.
Nobody replied to that, but I tried to start dialogue with her, I don't remember if she replied or not but later upon reflecting I went: "ugh".
For every girl who is going to start up A gym membership and spend 3 hours on A treadmill "every day" until she loses the weight, just stay home and do whatever the hell you want because its NOT going to work.
Because 1.) You aren't going on the treadmill every day, you're going for A day or A week and then you're going to forget and get lazy.
2.) A treadmill isn't an exercise that culls weight!
A treadmill, running, row machines? That isn't going to do SHIT.
You are doing an isolated exercise that only works 1 group of muscles with NO resistance, what does that mean?
You aren't being challenged, and you are just working your lungs, working your lungs isn't the same as working your body.
You NEED to be doing burpees, you NEED to pick up weights, you NEED to stop believing that picking up weights will make you look like A man, or will make you less pretty. Fun fact? It won't, it makes you sexier, slimmer and gets rid of cellulite.
You wanna know why you aren't losing weight? A LOT of ya'll don't work on your muscles.
If you don't want to work on your muscles, just forget it, accept your body for what it is, and move on, because you aren't going to do anything about it.
Running 2 miles per day is not doing something about it, its using A bad solution and getting mad because you failed.
Its like taking A hard math class and learning how to do A formula without knowing how A formula works.
Its like watching A bunch of marvel movies to know what good characters are and then trying to write A book with good characters.
It doesn't work!
And society is BULLSHITTING you over and over again, and I WANT to say its not your fault? But look. . .There are people who give you magic solutions and then there are people who give you real solutions.
Much like the weak men who want the body but not the journey, ya'll pick the magic one's.
You aren't going to get the ass of an Instagram butt model by doing the same squats as she does, even SHE won't get the ass doing her workout regiment, you wanna know how she got that ass? Implants.
There are VERY few natural and some un-natural workout models who deserve your respect.
If she doesn't have muscles, un-follow her and stop wasting your time. If she doesn't have abs, un-follow her and stop wasting your time.
Its the SAME shit with "self-defense" classes, or "beer yoga" or "chicken nugget yoga" it's fake as shit and you are wasting money for trendy fitness to feel better about yourself.
Kicking A person in the balls, or learning A few throws, or the performance of how this martial art works? ISN'T how you learn to defend yourself.
This isn't how one defends ones self, nobody is teaching you how to fight unless you are getting hit in the face and hurting.
Because A fight is performance SECOND and mind FIRST and I GUARANTEE you, unless these coaches set you up with A partner and your partner isn't trying to kick your ass?
You aren't going to be ready for A sexual predator or A creep , or A rapist when he shows up.
If an MMA coach pulls you to the side, won't let you train with the other guys and treats you like A friendly little pal? You are doing yourself A service by bouncing from that class ASA FREAKIN P. Because you aren't going to be ready to fight.
If the teacher puts on A belt demonstrates A throw and tells you to do the throw and ya'll just repeat the throws on one another without sparring? LEAVE, you aren't learning how to fight and you aren't going to be tough when you are done with that class.
You NEED to spar, you NEED to get hit, you NEED to work your muscles.
If you don't do this then you're just going to be weak, afraid, taken advantage of, and lied to when some banana oil salesman starts giving you "magic 6 pack workout regiments."
Stop accepting insulting solutions or doing weak regiments that build up to nothing, you deserve better for fucks sake.
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self.offmychest
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I'm at fault I've always been the super cheerful/optimistic/fun kind of person to be around, extremely extroverted, open about everything, will never hesitate to lend money/cook/accompany someone to the ER/drop everything just to offer a shoulder to someone in need, literally donate my meal so someone homeless can have a better life that they so deserve.
And yet, here I am. I absolutely despise the very fabric of my existence, nothing I ever do is good enough, my parents had me as an accident and have made this painfully obvious to me, all of my friends have told me they would do anything to be there for me. Yet multiple groups of friends across the whole gamut of personalities have given me the impression that I'm the friend that people just tolerate - that I'm everybody's acquaintance and nobody's friend. At the end of the day it's my fault because I just laugh about how much pain I'm in, and half-assedly convince people that I'm fine even when I think they're truly worried. Even my psychiatrist doesn't believe I'm *that* depressed. My anorexia has caused me some real medical concerns, my autism has me humiliated when I never know better, my anxiety is through the roof, and my depression wants me to self-destruct.
At the end of the day, nobody would lend me money, nobody would help me out with food (which I have issues with), I had to ask multiple people to accompany me to the ER, and every time I finally gather the courage to ask for help, I think either I expect too much, or maybe I just couldn't read the signs that people don't give a flying fuck. And maybe they're onto something.
I wanted someone to just check in to see if I'm okay, but my words fall on deaf ears. I've been offering people to come over because my roommate of 2 years had moved out, and it feels like people do it because it's the right thing to do, and not because they actually cared to. I've moved away from home 7000 miles away, and do not have a functional relationship with my parents. I can't bother my partner with things as I've already maxed out on a lifetime of insanity, and I can't help but feel that maybe if I just stopped trying I'd finally be happy. I don't want to feel like this anymore, and it's been two decades of dragging my feet when I could probably save 20 people with my organs alone, save a metric fuckton of landfill space, save about 100 more patients that my therapist could see instead of me, and save everyone a whole bunch of breathing space.
I want to die and as much as I hate to admit it, trying to help others while completely negating myself is the only thing I have left before I actually do it. And the former is running pretty thin right now.
tl;dr: I am an entitled, pathetic POS excuse for a human being, and anyone in their right mind would be wise to just never contact me ever.
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self.offmychest
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FEARLESS FRIDAYS MEGA THREAD. Here we discuss embarrassing stories, funny stories, WTF stories, and everything in between. Need to get something off your chest? Here's the place to do it. Not yet diagnosed and want to ask a question? Feel free to do it here. Pretty much anything goes in Fearless Fridays
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self.bipolar
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Opening up I used to be a very open guy, but after life hit me hard i haven't opened up fully to anyone in approx. a year. I need some advice because i want to but im scared people will react in a horrible way and ill lose them. Im also afraid of phrasing it in a dumb way, and making it seem alot less/different from what im actually living through.
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self.bipolar
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Strong fear of doctors. I have both anxiety and PTSD. I also have a major fear of drs which is triggering for the ptsd.
Its ok for me to regularly go to the drs for checkups and for me prescription but I don't like to and usually don't let them do anything or check anything. If they try to I tend to panic and can react violently while trying to get away.
Because of this possible issues go unchecked and untreated. I'm afraid that I’m eventually going to end up with serious health issues that too be prevented but the fear of them doing anything is too great for me to have anything checked.
Does anyone else have this issue?
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self.Anxiety
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I cry myself to sleep I just lay in a fetus position in my bed feeling depressed. Thinking about why I am like this. I start to think about her and then I break down and fall asleep. This has been going on for 2 months and no one knows that I cry literally everyday 3 to 4x
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self.depression
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Studying Does studying make anyone here hypomanic? I start to feel hypomanic with increased stress levels, and studying for a long time stresses me out. My drive to be productive makes it impossible to stop "stressing"--if I don't feel like I'm accomplishing enough in a given amount of time, I get depressed/feel like a failure. This has been ongoing for the past three or four years.
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self.bipolar
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Should I commit suicide to avoid dropping out I want to drop out of college because I feel that I'm too sad and afraid to put the effort into producing anything creative or to put on a brave face three or four times a week. I'm not cut out for this world but I don't want to disappoint my parents who paid for my education.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just missed a final This the first time i ever felt suicidal, I've failed so many semesters before this but this semester was going great i was expecting A's and B's. I was sure this exam was supposed to be tomorrow but i looked at it again and it's going on right now, will soon finish. No matter what i do i guess i'm bound for failure
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self.offmychest
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I think I actually might kill myself I want to kill myself before the next semester of college starts. I hate college but I'm there for my parents. I don't think I can take another semester of feeling like an idiot. Everyone has thought I was an idiot since I started going to school. I never want to say anything in class ever again because people always laugh at what I say. I actually do well academically but I'm sick of this. I hate my life. No matter what I do I'm going to be unhappy. I've been thinking about killing myself since I was little. I've come close to attempts but i'm so scared it won't work and then I will be institutionalized and everyone will at like a moron.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can someone help? I just want to run away and disappear and I just might do it tonight... I am in that mindset again, of escaping. I kind of just want to quit school, learn stuff on my own. Learn to dumpster dive better, try to support myself somehow, work on what I want. I don't know what to do.
I failed 2/3 classes in the first period because I stressed out on essays / presentations and didn't do them. Now there is a group project where the drafts for the plan are due on Thursday, and my partner wants to get something done by tomorrow (even though I feel our subject is somewhat vague, idk). I just wanna grab my stuff and all my layerings and escape into the night for a while, maybe come back in a week... then I would surely fail my classes again. But I don't know if I care, I don't want to do this. It gets to the point where I just don't care about doing it, don't care for putting up with the stress when I could just not do it.
I used to really think the world was a dream that I could awake from -- a sort of solipsistic idea. I tried to escape before (suicide attempt a couple years back). I used to think that maybe I could escape to / re-create a new consciousness that was perfect, a 'heaven' of sorts. But now I have talked recently to a friend about stuff like this and she was talking about how a 'perfect' world could never be, that it would just become normal and I would seek something. This makes sense. But surely there are happier worlds, realities where I am 'happy' more than I am 'sad.'
I know this isn't organized, and I have written more about this before, but I can't seem to care to write it all out again, it always come back, I always feel down again. Life is so much a sense of ups-and-downs: sometimes I am having a lot of fun and on top of the world (just danced all night at a party a couple days ago) but then it comes down again and I just wanna get out. It doesn't help that I don't know who to say this to sometimes, you never know if you are burdening someone, or how much is okay to tell someone. It's probably not fair to unload all of this everytime I feel stuck.
I don't know what to say anymore... my mind is racing and I am feeling trapped.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i wouldn't consider myself suicidal anymore but death would be a huge relief A bit of backstory before I begin: I'm 16 years old, when I was around 13-15 I was *extremely* depressed and had extreme anxiety. I'd spend all day in bed, wouldn't/couldn't go to school, had panic attacks in the bathrooms, dissociated in the middle of class, almost flunked out. All that good stuff. I attempted suicide once during that time via downing two bottles of pills but I was a dumb preteen who didn't realize an extremely low strength flu medication wasn't going to kill me that easily and there was absolutely no ill affects of the attempt, which was a good thing since I immediately regretted it but also didn't tell anyone out of fear. Since then my mental health has *greatly* improved and I no longer would consider myself suicidal, at the very least not to the very high degree I was then. I do still suffer from depression and anxiety but to a lesser extent, I have bad days and really bad days and yeah, sometimes I want to die, but I don't think at this point in my life I would ever actually commit. I have a long way to go for my mental health but for now I'm doing decently enough.
Onto the point I'm trying to make though: I wouldn't call myself suicidal, but death would be a relief to me. Despite my improved state of mental health I still have my own problems, I'm very stressed out pretty much all the time, I'm not doing too good in the school department, and as adulthood grows ever closer my anxiety and fear and doubt grows ever larger as well. I'm a closeted gay trans guy as well and thats a big addition on a lot of my stress and fear not to mention dysphoria can make it hard to want to do anything, much less live in a rural town full of mostly close minded people. I don't particularly *want* to die and I'm actually quite afraid of the idea of death most of the time but when I really think about it, especially on those days my stress is peaking through the roof, death doesn't seem like the worst option in the world.
I'm not exactly religious, I consider myself agnostic at best, but I do like to believe death isn't the end and the other side is somewhere peaceful and somewhere you can be happy and if there is a god or gods I hope they are loving and forgiving. As compared to the stresses and anxieties of real life it seems like, for lack of a better term, *heaven*. I'd rather live out my days somewhere I can be carefree and happy than here, stressing over every little thing and hiding who I really am from my family and my community, and if there really is some grand afterlife where everything is perfect and you're free to be who you want to be and do what you want to do than.....that's where I want to be honestly, not here. I don't know maybe that does make me suicidal in some regard, I guess what I really want is just.....peace and happiness and it's really hard to come by that at the moment.
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self.offmychest
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Update of the day: I'm cold. I went outside finally. One of my friend reached me and I answered her questions. She only told me to be safe which I "did".
I spent 200$ on gifts (when I'm sad, buying stuff, help me to "cope") and my cut reopened by themselves (the bag was heavy and harshly brush them...) while I was OUTSIDE...
Well, my life couldn't worse than this, I think. :))))))
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self.depression
|
Any hope left? Have I screwed up? So sorry for the long post.... just needed to get this off my chest.....
I'm almost 25 and feel like I have nothing to show. I graduated last year (a year late) from college after getting kicked out of the first university I went to for a combination of starting a protest to help get better wages for food service workers and because I had crippling depression. The depression started in high school - I went to a very very strict Christian school where, as a non-white non-Christian female, I did not fit in AT ALL. Yet, my parents forced me to go there despite having no friends and being told I was going to hell everyday. Furthermore, my dad was a complete control freak who was pretty emotionally abusive. Since graduating, I've worked odd jobs for not a very long period of time - 5 months here, 6 months there. I've worked at a law office, a psychologists office, a lab, and a variety of other places, yet have no clue what I want to do with my life. I thought I wanted to help others struggling with mental health issues, but I don't know if I can if I have so many issues relating to anxiety and depression myself. I decided to quit my last job about 6 months ago because my boss was harassing me and had saved up enough to take a road trip for about a month and a half. That was the most amazing time I've had in years! I moved to California because a friend said I could stay there while looking for a job (I am from the south). I've been unemployed since then (so over 6 months now) and am now regretting quitting my job...I should've just put up with it and found another one... but then maybe I would've regretted not doing something I'd dreamt about for decades (the road trip). I don't have any friends in California other than her and am getting more and more discouraged about the job search. I've found it hard to get out of bed in the past few weeks and keep applying or to keep up my side hustle (tutoring). It's so hard to make friends and I don't have many friends really period. I'm getting more and more depressed as the days go by and I don't know if my depression will ever end. It's a monumental task to get out of bed even to just go eat and brush my teeth now. I am scared I wouldn't be able to hold down a job even if I get one is this continues. I am so sick of having depression and it feels so insurmountable when your in it. Even baby steps (like eating, exercising, etc) are incredibly difficult and feel meaningless. I don't know if I will ever be truly rid of depression/anxiety in my life. If it won't, I really wonder why I bother to live...
If you read the whole thing nonjudgementally - thank you - I truly appreciate that. Have any of you been depressed before multiple times? How did you get your motivation back? Does depression every end?
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self.offmychest
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"I don't love you anymore" That's what my ex told me when they broke my heart. I gave them everything, and they happily took everything I had. They told me they loved me up until a few hours before we broke up. It's been a few weeks now, and I've had many panic attacks reliving those last few moments. I just don't feel like I can do this anymore, I just want to die. How can someone tell you they love you and then turn around and smash your heart into a million pieces? How can someone be so cruel? We had years together, how could they throw it away and act like we never loved each other?
I've been depressed for a few years, but I guess with them in my life it was easy to deal with. Now everything feels heavy and I just wish I hadn't wasted all those years on someone who doesn't appreciate me, and I can't help but question every single time they ever said they loved me.
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self.depression
|
I want to be better I want to be better, I want to succeed, I want to be strong, I want to be happy, I want to be different, I want to belong. I will beat my depression.
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self.depression
|
Hopeful and Frightened Last week my pdoc started my on 25mg of Lamictal, increasing to 100mg over several weeks. I'm also on Clonidine as a sleep aid and to help me get off of all opioids... right now I am clean from opoids for the first time in years and with my family... first family Christmas where I was not high or detoxing. Big step for me. But, tomorrow I have to go back to my house and am horrified because delivery services are common place where I live and with that ease of access to narcotics is not good. I had a breakdown once today fearing going home knowing that heroin/fentanyl is available just as easily as ordering a pizza. I've been pleading with my pdoc to give me at least an emergency scrip for nalaxone pills before I get the Vivtrol shot so I am unable to use but he's on vacation. I've done the "narcan challenge" by narcaning myself and it had no effects on me -- proving I am clean. The depression and isolation being there wears me down and I reach a point where I just want to not feel anything and relapse. It happens fast. I'm working at getting a place in a new town, a new job, trying to fight the cravings as best as I can but when I reach that point it the cravings become all encompassing. I still use benzos to kill the cravings at home and today being Christmas which has always been a depressing time for me has made it worse. The only reason I've not used is I've been able to sedate myself into apathy... and applied for some jobs while I'm calm enough to be rational. I'm legit frightened of going home. If I didn't have animals to take care of I'd not go home tomorrow, but I love them and won't neglect them. I dunno what to do. At this point my only thought is to get weed to also numb me into apathy so I don't use as I have been a benzo addict before and I don't want to go down that path again. I'm changing my life as fast as is realistic but I can't get out of it. I'm trying to reach out to my clean friends to do stuff when I get back but being Christmas most people are busy. Anybody been in a similar situation? What'd you do? Any suggestions?
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self.bipolar
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‘Is this funny or am I manic?’ I’ve been a clown all my life. I’m known for my humour and always like cracking jokes and being silly. Since experiencing mania and knowing how crazy your mind gets like how you do or say things you 110% think are appropriate but in reality it’s the complete opposite, I’ve started to find myself questioning my silliness and reviewing jokes and stuff which takes away from the spontaneous aspect of it all. It’s so lame.
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self.bipolar
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Anybody feel patronized by loved ones while hypo/manic? Usually the people that are close to me are able to tell when I'm getting manicky, but their warnings tend to come off a little like they think I can't take care of myself or make good decisions. Don't get me wrong, they're usually right and I do start to watch myself to stay in control. It's just that it kinda irks me because it makes me feel like I can't handle myself. Idk anyone else experience something similar?
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self.bipolar
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Confessed to my crush But nothing happened. We haven't spoken about it or anything. I also suspect she likes someone else, which is probably why. But I see her every day, and it fucking hurts. I can't get her alone to talk either, since the other guy is always there. I don't know what to do. I want to tell her exactly how I feel, things like her laugh is the best thing I've heard for years. I don't want to do it over a text, but my anxiety keeps me quiet. And I already confessed over a text, and even that felt kinda disrespectful. I just don't know what to do.....
Update
We talked about it, and she's not really looking for a relationship. Am I bummed about that? Kinda, but not as much as I thought I would be. I'm actually feeling happy about it, since it was the first time I really told a girl how I felt!
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self.depression
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I can't go back to school, and i'm worried i never will [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I really need help I'll just cut to the chase. I'm very depressed and not entirely sure why. I have a lot of stress and trauma so I think that contributes to it but I really can't point to one thing. I am only happy when I'm with a select two people. Neither of which I see often so I end up very depressed when I'm not with them. I'm good at masking it while I'm with people but as soon as I'm alone it hurts so much. I used to think that taking my life seemed completely abstract but now it just seems closer to reality. However, I know I would never because I have a lot to live for and a lot of people care about me. But I just need some way to get rid of the pain. I can't see a therapist reguarly due to complicated reasons. I was curious about anti depressants I don't know much about them but I just need some way to not be sad all the time.
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self.depression
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Having what I call a "high alert" day.. posting to distract my brain. What weird names have you all made up for your symptoms/anxiety? I need something to distract my head. I think we all probably call our anxiety weird things or make up names for our syptoms.. thought it would be neat to hear some of yours!
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self.Anxiety
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Everything I've ever done has been a mistake I just feel like there's no point. Everything I've ever done has only caused me more misery. I try to make progress, I try to get somewhere and I know I should be proud of how far I've come but it just feels like soon I'll be back where I started or even further back. I try to pick myself up every day tell myself that there's a reason I'm here but even if don't believe it. I try to lean on my family and friends but it's hard for me to be emotionally close to anyone after all the times I've been lied to and betrayed. I just wish this all could be over like I could just open up my eyes one day and suddenly have a great wonderful life, but I know that's too much to ask. Thanks for taking the time to read, I hope you're doing better than I am.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Happiness is a choice? When people say happiness is a choice it makes it seem to me that they’re saying happiness is being dangled above me and if I jump high enough, if I strengthen my legs enough I’ll be able to jump high enough to reach it.
When in actuality, because I suffer from depression, how It feels to me: I’m trapped in shackles, and I can see happiness behind a glass wall. It’s illuminating and glowing, and I can see others basking it it’s glow, prompting me to come join them. Then they start trying to yell encouragement at me like “you can do it!” “Come get your happiness,” “you’re not trying hard enough!” “Try harder,” but it doesn’t matter how much I struggle against my shackles I can’t reach it, I can’t get to it. I could struggle until my limbs bleed, and I still wouldn’t be able to reach it.
Because with how my mind is, it’s an unobtainable dream. Then when others try to suggest it’s from lack of trying, well it feels like they’re rubbing salt in the cuts that the shackles have dug into my limbs.
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self.depression
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Business travel w/ bipolar? Hi Friends -
I've got Bipolar, but i've also got a cool startup job. They want me to travel for three weeks a a time, which I just can't do given my sleep schedule and the time zone changes. HR knows I have "health issues" that prohibit the trip duration they want, and they asked me to make a list of what I am able to do and what I am unable to do. So far, I have the following:
- Must have solid 9 hours off-set for sleep
- Trip duration of no more than 5 nights -
Must have set schedule of work hours
What am I missing? What else do I include? Clients are film production people.
THANK YOU!
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self.bipolar
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Very alone, and desperate for meaningful connections. Hello all; this is my first post here. I've tried posting elsewhere on Reddit about my various problems but I invariably get down-voted and then end up deleting my posts (ridiculously over-sensitive, I know!)
I'm 48F, and have been widowed for 4 years. I live alone. I have various mental & physical health problems, and have a stoma bag. I've had 4 ops in 3 years - one on my heart & 3 on my tummy. Since my ileostomy operation I've been able to get out & about a bit more, which is great, as I spent so long stuck indoors I started to develop agoraphobia. I've tried to tackle that by joining a couple of local history groups & going back to church - all of which I enjoy!
I've just deactivated Facebook today - I'm a total social media addict & literally get nothing done, plus it was making my anxiety far worse. I was completely obsessed with these strangers, their lives and their opinion of me - it was so destructive. I belonged to 100+ groups! The thing is, I'm so desperately alone and just want to belong somewhere, to be accepted & at least not disliked. I'm very socially awkward & must seem very aloof. Most of my posting on FB was a carefully-curated cry for attention - not that I think I'm in any way wonderful, but to see "likes" coming in made me feel better, if only for a little while. "Yay, they liked my post - I've made a connection!" I am trying to forge more meaningful connections in the real world now - but it's hard!
I recently developed an obsessive unrequited crush on a guy in one of my groups (I always seem to be obsessed with something!) Part of me wants him to notice me, the other part hopes he doesn't lol! Daft, eh?!
I also suffer from Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder. I've learned it's a form of OCD and dissociation, which seems to make sense.
So I'm not sure what I'm asking for here - just some understanding, I guess. I'm so tired of watching the world from behind a glass wall and tired of having such low self-esteem. I'm also tired of stress making my poor ileostomy go bonkers lol! Part of me feels I deserve better than this; another part of me feels like a total loser & a waste of space. Sigh! Thanks for reading my waffle lol!
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self.depression
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Just a question..? I've had depression off and on since I was a teenager. A lot of things happened over the last 5-6 years of my life and it came back full force this time. Even with my antidepressants and anxiety meds I hardly ever feel like doing anything much less get out of the house. My question is can the doctor prescribe me something to go along with my meds or change my meds to give me some energy during the day? Thanks in advance
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self.depression
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How to tell if you are hearing voices Sometimes I get thoughts that pass through my mind that I didn’t really think. Like I’m thinking about something but those other thoughts are happening too so I have a bunch of thoughts in my head at once. They aren’t auditory (I don’t actually hear them through my ears) but it’s as if other people got into my brain and are having conversations. Sometimes it’s familiar voices. It’s usually the strangest and most random things that they say. It doesn’t usually cause me distress but is often when I’m trying to sleep. Didn’t get a full night sleep last night and the strange voices or thoughts were there even when I tried to clear my mind and focus on nothing. I had manic psychosis once before almost exactly 2 years ago. Could it be a sign it is coming back?
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self.bipolar
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Inpatient treatments I’m considering trying an inpatient treatment, since partially I just want to step out of life so I can focus on getting better. What has been you all’s experience with inpatient treatments? How helpful have they been? How do they compare to regular outpatient therapists?
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self.bipolar
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I almost died today Im in an extremely abusive relationship. We had a happy day today surrounded by family. We usually have about 50 people at our thanksgiving get together. My boyfriend and I sang to our favorite Highly Suspect songs during the hour drive while our two year old watched the ipad in the back seat. We ate, socialized, played ping pong, joked, laughed, held hands. We had a great day up until it was time to go pick up my step son from being with his mom. Me & B got into an argument on the way home because he complained about being tired and I reminded him that I had offered to drive. I told him to take a nap once we got home but I asked him not to "go to bed for the night" B does that a lot, he will lay down after dinner fall asleep and stay asleep until the morning. Which always leaves me to parent alone. We got home, the argument turned physical. The kids were playing in their room. Dragging and body slamming happened in the garage. I ran out of the garage into the back room (second living room/play room) which is on the other side of the garage door. He followed me taunting me. He Slammed me on the floor. I'm laid face down on the rug legs and arm spread out like a starfish while he choked me. He had me in a "sleeper hold" I think it's called. He didn't use his hands, he used his whole arm. The light was off In the room I couldn't see I couldn't breath. I couldn't fucking breath. I tried to scream and nothing came out he was screaming in my ear the whole time. I couldn't tell him I couldn't breath I was flailing my arms and legs trying to tell him to stop. He took that as me fighting back and he squeezed harder. It felt like my eyes were going to pop out of the sockets. I stopped flailing and tapped his shoulder over and over trying to let him know I can't take it anymore. He didn't care. I stopped tapping I stopped moving I just layed there not moving while he choked me. I thought that would scare him into thinking I was out but it didn't he was still squeezing my neck. I was about to pass out I was about to die. It was a horrific feeling being so close to passing out from not being able to breath. All I could think about is this is how people feel while they are drowning. My eyes hurt I was squeezing them shut and in my head I saw my body sinking in a black ocean trying to gasp for air, I was drowning. He loosed enough I could extend my neck and get in a pinch of air. I can't breath I can't breath please let go I said. I'm crying. He doesn't give a shit. He's still screaming. It's my fault I deserve to be choked out. That's how he thinks. He looses up exactly three times until he finally let go and left the room. I laid on the floor finally breathing. I couldn't let the kids see me like this I got up went to the bathroom my face is dark red. The bags under my eyes were swollen my face was covered in red dots. Broken blood vessels im guessing my neck is the same except with big purple red marks. My ear has purple red dots all over the back on it. I look like Shit I feel like shit the left side of my throats hurts like hell it feels like I have strep throat but only on the left side. Hour or two go by I go into the bedroom fucking broken inside I look him in the eyes and tell him he almost killed me I started crying a lot his arms are folded he's just kicked back on the bed watching TV he's defending his actions. A few back and forth talk and he says "next time I'll just put twist your arms behind your back" (while he sits on my back) idk what it's called. But you get the idea. "And break your arm then." I'm so incredibly fucking broken inside ;(
**tl;dr:** Happy thanksgiving with family turned into my boyfriend choking me out once we got home. No remorse, tells me he won't choke me next time he will break my arm.
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self.offmychest
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Listening to piano covers of my favourite songs get me so emotional I don't know if it is because I wish I kept up with piano myself, or if it is the soothing sound that a piano seems to make.
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self.depression
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My pet bird died today He had a bacterial infection and looked fine until the last 24hrs where he deteriorated quickly. His female friend is sitting at the window chirping by herself. I want to die
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self.depression
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Man 2017 beat me down. This has been one hell of a year for me. Ive lost my pops grandpa and a horse. Been finding some healthy and unhealthy ways to cope, but i got one more curveball thrown at me, and idk how to handle it. Between all of the loss, i never really felt like giving up. Ive been there before, but i felt like i could get through it. Then today, in the middle of my vacation, i found im supposed to return to work days earlier than the plan. If i miss these days im fired. Im being considered for promotion and thats the best thing i got going for me right now. So i spent hundreds of dollars to fly home to make it to work. Now the reality is setting in that I'll be alone for days during this time. If all the other loss i was dealt this year werr curveballs, i must have foultipped one, because this fourth one feels like a strike out. Im shook and cant seem to see straight. Shits tough for me right now, and if Im being honest, i dont know if i can continue.
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self.depression
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I don’t think I’ll ever get far in life. Even when I was little I have always felt that my role in life was to be a “support” character. To always help other people get to their goals and dreams. My self esteem is gone, my confidence is gone, and I’m scared that once again if I try to break out of the monotony that is my life I’ll fail and be in a worse situation. I know that I should stop throwing myself a pity party but it’s something that eats me up inside. I try so hard to succeed when I do get out of my comfort zone but I feel like life is always showing me why I shouldn’t try to do something or why I’m not good enough. I feel incompetent and useless and that I really won’t amount to anything.
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self.offmychest
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I just feel I have nothing worth living for. I feel useless. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Dear lord...if you haven't tried anti anxiety meds, PLEASE DO. $4 for a month's supply. Took full effect in 3 weeks. My life is beautiful again, and I feel so happy and confident. The angry, judgemental voices are gone. I'm fighting for myself again instead of being walked over constantly.
I know how hard it is to get yourself to go...but do yourself a favor if you haven't tried anti anxiety meds, and try them. They've changed my life, and many others'. You may be able to find peace again, too!
Some urgent cares in the US will evaluate. I paid a total of $70 to get evaluated and get a prescription for 3 months, and I got referrals as well. Totally worth it.
Edit: I wanted to add that just because others have had negative experiences with medication does NOT mean you shouldn't try to see if it helps you. Please talk to your doctor about this opportunity. Medication is here to help you, not hinder. Give it a try; a majority of people find peace and success in medicine! If it doesn't work, then you move on to the next possible solution.
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self.Anxiety
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My life is falling apart I'm 25, still living with my parents, I can't drive, I've never had a job, and I've been in the same place in life for 6 years. The only reasons I've had to continue have been movies and video games that I want to experience before I die. All day long I've been thinking of my ex girlfriend (the only person I've ever actually dated) who accused my parents and I of lying and making up our problems (anxiety, depression, stress, Aspergers) and, after I left her, texted me "Fuck you, bitch! I hope you die alone and miserable!" Since then, I've tried to get back into the dating game only to be shot down at every turn. I was also told today that I'm apparently a terrible son and may be kicked out of the house with nothing.
All I've done is lay in bed thinking about how I can kill myself with everyone thinking I skipped town. I've got a number of plans and a list made of reasons to end it all to push myself over the edge. I don't see myself ever achieving any of my dreams, love, a good job, to not feel alone anymore. The more I try to think of those movies, games, and hopes; the more fleeting, temporary, unrealistic, and worthless they feel. It's not enough to make me happy for more than just a little while, if at all.
I feel like my ex was right. I just want to stop feeling empty and meaningless, but I can't see myself ever really being happy again. I feel like I shouldn't even have a right to complain and I just want to disappear and stop existing.
Small update: since yesterday, I've made a list of every reason I can think of to push myself over the edge and finally kill myself. I'm up to 68.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I keep pushing people away... Idek what is wrong with me but I get very out of touch with what is happening and keep thinking people are pushing me away or don't want me. They do but I keep telling myself they don't which leads to fight which leads us to drifting a little. Can anyone help me?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why am I an awful person For the longest time I’ve worked so hard to impress people that maybe don’t deserve me and others who I don’t deserve I spend all this time trying to be a good person and nice to people but I get hurt so often I think I am starting to loose patience and become mean. My closest friends say I am nice but idk if they are lying or not ... I feel like no matter what I do I ruin everyone’s life . I am sensitive and Idk I never thought I was mean but people said I was Idk who it was anonymous and now all I think abt is how awful I am. Why do I constantly try to make everyone happy but just get let down and told I am an awful person. Life really hasn’t been going my way these past four yeArs.
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self.depression
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Does anyone else feel like they are about to have a panic attack at any second for days on end? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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It's been a year since I changed my life and nothing changed [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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The world feels.....fake? Something doesn't feel right. The world I see in front of me feels....fake. Like I'm caught in a very vivid dream that still has cracks. I don't know what this sensation means. What is happening?
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self.depression
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Birthday.. 1 hour past 00:00 my birthday. As same as I thought nobody called..
I was waiting but still, Sitting alone in dark waiting for something that you know not gonna happen is hard..Somewhere under all this pain I knew this gonna happen...
I wanna say if I am depressed that doesn't mean I depressive, people can talk to me, be friends with me but......
No birthday wishes, no birthday songs,no one's here, only a small cake in front of me..
But I'll probably be cutting something else...
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self.depression
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I just want to end this It’s unfair I’m in so much pain and my feelings don’t matter it’s so I want to kill these people ( who are supposed to be family ) I don’t have any family money I’m worthless can’t get s job to save my life invaluable I’m looking for my knife cause I’m gonna drudge up courage to do this I know I can I want it sooo bad I just want non of this bullshit to matter anymore how does a family complete rally around an abusive man and I’m the bad guy for being angry and not wanting a relationship with this piece of shit my mother is a toxic narcissistic cunt ass fucktard bitch and all I ever wanted since I was fourteen was get away from her I can’t do this anymore someone is cursing me I feel like nothing good ever happens to me and I can’t take this pain anymore it hurts so much
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self.SuicideWatch
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This is My Last Attempt I can't fix me. I can't fix the problems in my head.
For years I've struggled with depression and anxiety for multiple reasons. For years I've managed to find either reasons to keep living or methods to prevent myself from ending my life. I have a couple of things to hold onto right now, but I don't know how long they'll stick around. I'm going to tell you my problems.
Starting with my method of coping. When I'm overwhelmed I isolate myself to cope, so I don't make those I care about go through my shit.
Then comes the loneliness. I fear being alone, I can't do this, live my life, alone. I just can't.
The panic. When I isolate myself it scares me, so I panic and reach out to people, whether it's those close to me or those that aren't. The other part of this is that after I reach out, I oftentimes feel worse. I feel regretful and conflicted.
The regret. I reach out because I need help, but without knowing what it is I need that they can actually give it just turns into me venting everything that's in my head, whether it makes sense to me or not. I often can't stop myself because at that point I just don't know what to do. It makes me feel regret because I feel like it pushes them away, no one wants or needs my problems or thoughts. But I share them anyway, I just want the pain to end and I don't feel like I can do it alone.
The voice in my head, the one a lot of people have to deal with. The cause of my inner conflicts. This is the worst part. When I fall into panic reach out, the voice is always there throughout. "No one cares", " give up", "you look pathetic", " they deserve so much more". And afterwards, the self criticism and over thinking turns into repeatedly apologising, to myself and those I reach out to. I don't want this, I just want to get the thoughts out and take the feelings with them. Without the voice telling me I'm pushing those I love away in the process.
People I used to talk to asked me why I wouldn't talk to them about my problems, why I would just lash out and retreat into myself instead. I don't know how to handle my own emotions and the horrible thoughts in my head, not when my own mind makes them worse.
I'm just trying to stop the pain. Holding on hurts and isolating myself is only repeating the cycle I keep going through. Sure suicide would fix it, it would stop this. If nothing works soon that's my solution regardless. I don't know how much longer I have before I can't do this anymore and I give up for good.
I'm tired of being upset and angry at myself. Sick of feeling pathetic and worthless. Exhausted from just trying to keep my thoughts at bay. I've tried for years to fix this and I've tried for years to cope. I've done everything I can.
If anyone I care about or hold close ends up here, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through me. Thank you for tolerating it for this long.
If this doesn't end soon I'm going to do the only thing I know will work.
I'm sorry...
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self.depression
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I get depressed by what I don’t have, then when I have it I move onto something else and it makes me even worse.. it’s a horrible circle I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy as an adult for more than say a few days or maybe a week at most.
However sitting down and talking to a therapist about it we discovered what I don’t have makes me depressed but doesn’t make me happy.
When I was 18 I was told to get a job, I was depressed with no job, so I finally found one that paid minimum wage and it did not make me happy instead I was depressed I didn’t make good money.
I then found a job that paid more, again it didn’t make me happy and this time I became depressed from not owning a car.
With that money I bought a car, it didn’t change anything and then my sadness came from not being fit enough, I now go to the gym all the time and now it has moved onto not being in a relationship.
Once I’m in a relationship something else will be my next cause of sadness and just thinking about it right now is killing me, I literally go to work, go to the gym, go home and put in music until I fall asleep and wake up, then do it all over again as it’s the only comfort I know and just for that period of time I’m somewhat comfortable.
I’m sure I’ll never be happy or content with life or myself and don’t know how much longer I can handle the crushing weight I carry on myself.
Has anyone else experienced this or even know how to describe it?
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self.depression
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I feel like this is finally catching up to me Since my mom passed away two years ago, I haven't cried since. I've had those days where I'm just down for no reason, and I feel like I don't fit in. I end up feeling out of place. Today, when I got home from class, I just felt really down. I went to my room and started doing homework, turned on some music to try and get it to go away. But nothing. Currently I feel like I could just ball my eyes out but I can't. As much as I want to I never can.
I'm one of those people where I deal with things by tossing it to the side and forgetting about it. I know it's not good to do that but I'm a shy/to my self guy so opening up is very hard. The farthest I've gone to opening up to someone is when I went out for coffee with this girl I used to go to high school with and we were talking about family. She asked me where my mom was and I felt really uncomfortable telling her but I did. Afterwards it felt good to get it out but I felt bad for sharing that part of me that I hate reopening. It's a part of my life that replays like it was yesterday.
I just wish that I can just have a good cry one day, just to let it all out.
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self.offmychest
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What are some of the most depressing albums you have listened to? For me it has to be:
Godspeed you black emperor - F#a#infinity
Julien baker - Turn out the lights
The postal service - Give up
Whenever I listen to a depressing album I tend to relate to it and eventually fell a bit better
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self.depression
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How i fucked up my life (very long and weird) Hello everyone! I'm writing this mostly to get this off my chest and will be pleased if someone can relate at least to an extent. Sorry for possible mistakes, not my native language. TLDR in the bottom.
I am 20, male. I always was an anxious person, after researching all the internet about anxiety disorders, I would say I had GAD since 13-14 - worrying about everything, can't relax, constant sweating, blushing, inability to perform even under slightest stress, could get overexcited easily, sleep problems. I haven't been noticing it because I was feeling it constantly, may be I was thinking it's just life or I'm a bit shy (lol).
2 years ago I was anxious one evening and decided to hame some sexual activity by myself in order to relax (sorry, but I think it's an important detail). Right after finishing I had some sort of shivers, was feeling cold and experienced some muscle stiffness. I woke up the next day feeling especially anxious for no reason, now my hands and feet were constantly sweaty, had some strange bowel movements(D) but I haven't attributed it to the night before. (Later on I found out I got pelvic floor dysfunction, when you clench your muscles a lot due to anxiety and bad habits and they become chronically spasmed).
I got lots of urinary, sexual and gut symtoms since that night as well as constantly spasmed genitals (sorry again). I went to urologist and he said I have "prostatitis" without an inflammation and prescribed me antibiotics (?!). After finishing treatment I had no relief at all. I began to be more anxious. That's when I considered fasting as a miracle cure for my "prostatitis" and also probably for anxiety. I did water fast for ~ 10 days which was stated as an average period (the idea of fasting probably originated from Russian doc, in his books long water fasts considered to be great for all sort of diseases, providing neurogenesis and "updating" your whole body...). I know how STUPID and INSANE this sounds but I was desperate to cure my "prostatitis" and there were no side effects as I researched, no negative anecdotal exp. and lots of positive.
After going out of the fasting, probably in a week or two I experienced some sort of nervous system hyperarousal (or probably hypomania). My mind was always racing with some thoughts, I can't fall asleep but didn't mind, read lots of books, was very talkative with my friends. After being in this hyperarousal state for probably 1.5-2 months I started to feel that it's not normal, I can't think straight, have diarrhea, can't concentrate and after becoming aware of this I started to get some sort of panic attacks.
And those panic attacks usually weren't "classic" - they usually didn't involve musch physical symptoms but rather some sort of mental confusion - racing thoughts, feeling like my mind is going too fast, that i'm going insane, I wanted to run away from myself. Every day was a struggle - I was convinced I'm going insane, having schizophrenia and probability of me being bipolar (because I found out those feelings of energy wasn't normal) was driving me more insane.
After severe all night long panic attack (now with physical symptoms) I decided to go to psychoterapist because I felt like one more day of this will kill me for sure both mentally and physically. Was diagnosed with GAD and Depersonalization and prescribed lexapro. After 2 months my anxiety diminished as well as my ability to feel anything. Only then I started to feel depersonalized - everything was so flat. But looking back it probably was comfortably flat I was calm sometimes, although my not stop mind chatter was diminished only slightly.
After being 1 year on it I'm now 2 months off. My symptoms have returned. I now have: non-stop mind chatter (it stops when I'm doing something interesting, concentrated on some task); extreme brain fog; short-term memory problems; depersonalization; depression (from constant stress and living in my head); cold extremeties; weight loss; appetite loss; sleep problems; wired feelng; severe IBS; constantly pulsating pupils (without change of light), general feeling like my nervous system just won't stop firing ALL THE TIME and I can't stop it or run away from it. And LOTS of other symptoms.
My life was so much different 2 years ago, I still just can't believe this is happening to me. I tried all sorts of supplements and nootropics in order to avoid being on SSRI, which doesn't seem to help much. I feel so hopeless and desperate.
And I think the worst in this situation that it doesn't really seem like classic anxiety that have some triggers, I don't afraid to go out, talking with strangers - it seems like I am more afraid of my own internal world and being alone than than the real world around me. It's just SEVERE stress (fasting) induced nervous system overdrive. How something like CBT is supposed to help with this?
Tomorrow I'm having an appointment with another psychotherapist in order to have some meds prescribed because every minute now became a struggle.
Thank you for reading. Finally got the whole story off my chest.
TL;DR Fasted for too long - got nervous system overdrive and breakdown. Symptoms are persistent and overwhelming. Meds help just to numb me. Feeling hopeless.
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self.Anxiety
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So I'm looking for a reason to not end my life (long post, please ignore if you don't feel like reading) This is going to be a bit sporadic and potentially unfocused, but I find seeking help from strangers slightly cathartic, even if it feels horrendously wrong. So apologies in advance.
This began approximately 16 years ago, when my father chose drugs over his family. I'm not going to get into the specific details because that would bore a lot of people, but it largely influenced my life even to this day.
I was 11 at the time of the divorce. My mother, bless her soul, did the best she could with what life shoveled in her face and tried her hardest to raise her two kids: myself and my sister. I was really attached to my father, so this feeling of utter betrayal made me a bit of a problem child. I still apologize to my mother for the little shit I was while growing up.
Throughout the ages 11 to 19, my mother got together with three different people over the course of those 8 years. The first two men were total pieces of garbage and if I could go back and have my fights with them again I would make sure to break some bones this time. The third one turned out to be a decent human being and honestly I am happy she is happy with the man she is now. At the time of me being 19 however, I was too much of an ass to notice.
We got into fights a lot, and when he finally decided to choke me in one of my altercations I decided to move out. It was basically when I decided it was time to quit being a kid and time to start being an adult. You see, this entire time I had never forgiven my drug addled-meth head-piece of shit father that left all those years ago. Even to this day the betrayal still stings, even though I want nothing to do with him anymore today. So I suppose that was a large reason I had fought with every male figure in my life.
The plan I had been cooking up this whole time was to murder my father and then end my own life. When I turned 21, I finally had my chance. I managed to find him and convince him I was the tearful son that he remembered that wanted nothing more than to reunite with his long lost dad. He came to my state, he bought me food, he even rented a hotel room which he invited me to stay for. He even gave me a knife as a belated missed-birthday's present. I felt like it was whatever god that was paying attention to me TELLING me that I should do it. But in this decade of being apart, I had a little stepbrother through my father. He was a sweet kid, and I didn't have the heart to deprive him of the father that was once deprived of me. Hell, even typing it out now is getting me teared up. I stayed up all night, caressing the knife debating on whether I should do it. But I couldn't do that to this sweet 4 year old. I wouldn't deny him the father I wish I had.
It was that night I decided to forgive. Make no mistake, I forgive but I haven't forgotten. The burn of that betrayal still simmers me every time I think about it. I still can't promise I wouldn't murder the man were I to see him again. But I can say for certainty I have no interest in pursuing the matter anymore. So on my life I went, at the time I was scrubbing dishes at Cracker Barrel *and* selling games at Gamestop. To be honest I was coping then with what I am still coping with now: while everyone was planning their college plans and futures, I was planning to kill my father and then myself at the age of 21. For all intents and purposes, that opportunity had come and went because of my sympathy for a child whom I had no right to deny a good future to. I had accepted it, but I have yet to be able to answer the question: "What now?"
I am now 28 years old. I have since gone into martial arts, largely resulting of my getting choked by my now stepfather (sidenote: in hindsight I totally deserved the choking, but its influence is not lost) and the fact that my biological father was always stronger than me. I have since been in many fights due to either various forms of work or purposefully putting myself into dangerous situations. I have done well enough, with only a few scars to me, and worse injuries on the others.
The martial art I had gotten into was a stroke of luck from meeting a guy through someone I worked with at a factory. There's nothing but the McDojos where I live, so I wanted someone who taught the practical stuff. The stuff that could legitimately save my life in a bad situation. I have been in enough events to know that the teachings weren't a load of bullshit. But my sensei and I have had a recent falling out, and I haven't been able to find a different instructor.
When the ambition to kill my father was gone, as well as losing my ability to learn more from any martial arts master, a lot of what I have lived for has gone away.
I did have friends as well. I suppose to be specific I still have them. But none of them live near me anymore. Once upon a time, I was in the same house as many of them. They are some of the best people I have met. They are people I hold in the highest regard. But most of them moved across the country for one reason or another. I don't blame them, hell they had invited me to come along. I really wanted to, GOD I really wanted to. But in the area I live in, the job I had with the limited qualifications to my name was actually really good and I had zero guarantee I would find an equivalent where they were moving. So despite telling them I would go the entire time leading up to their move (to be fair I legitimately thought I would be leaving with them until that point) I backed out because my cowardice once again talked me out of the situation.
I have never forgiven myself for betraying the friends most important to me.
They have all left, and I am the only one remaining. I am alone, my ambitions unrealized, my sensei a lost cause and my job a dead end, I don't even know if my biological father is still alive or not and I don't have any intellectual based qualifications outside of a high school diploma from a state that oppresses education, and I have the social skills of a skunk. I don't see a way out. There aren't people to meet. I don't have the means to leave. I don't see a way out. Maybe, just maybe there might be a clue or a detail I have missed, but I can't guess for the life of me.
I can only play a fresh round of Russian roulette every morning so long before I lose.
I can only drink myself to sleep so much before I don't wake up the next morning.
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self.SuicideWatch
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