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How do I tell my best friend that I'm suicidal? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Don’t know what to do, killing myself soon. I really don’t know what to say, I don’t think there’s really much to be said. I need help, but nothing or no one seems to solve anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't want to. This may be a terrible post and unrelevent, but I can't stop thinking about going back on meds. I don't know why but I just don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life, but it feels like I have to. Hitting myself doesn't help and not doing anything is doing much either. I guess I have to take them but I hate it. Makes me feel more useless because without them, I see myself as nothing. DAE feel this way?
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self.depression
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When the one person you're fighting to live for, joins in on the hate wagon I've struggled with so much, especially after my first (my son's dad) husband abused me in all ways imaginable. It destroyed how I thought of myself and what I should be doing and have found ways to work around it or when I attempted I ended up pulling through and always thinking "I have to do this for my son".
It isn't enough any more, every time I talk to my almost 12 year old it is always one thing or another about how I'm being mean to his dad and grandma, or how I did this, or I did that. His tone is a mirror of what how his dad has been treating me for almost 12 years.
I'm so angry/lonely/rejected/set back/broke/broken and a hundred other feelings. I've hated myself forever and have never wanted to continue this life but have always done so because that little boy needed and loved me. Now that I'm being pushed out and hated by him too I'm very badly struggling to understand why this world is worth it.
There is so much more I could say, but does anyone have ANY advice other than "love yourself" or "Do things for yourself", because I don't know how, I have no desire to, not one thing interests me and the only reason I'm still here is so they can't turn around and tell my son how much of a "crazy psycho" I was and turn what memories he has of me into shit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I finally realized that I need to see a therapist but the whole process of finding one terrifies me Where do I even begin??? What kind of person should I be looking for??
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self.depression
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Terminally ill mother and constant fear of losing her as well as extreme fear that i'm ill myself I'm a 21 year old male in my junior year of university. In May of 2016 my mother was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 metastatic breast cancer however it was being treated to buy time. For the last year or so, the cancer in her breast and liver seemed to disappear and she was healthy all things considered spare ambulation issues from pain and side effects from the chemo and radiation. For this time, I stayed at University because she was doing well and my stepdad was back home to take care of her. (I'm an out of state student, 850 miles from home). A couple months ago, she had some neurological symptoms and they did an MRI and found that the cancer ad spread to her brain. They started her on an oral chemotherapy which has slowed the progress of the tumor growth in her brain but it got to the point where the side effects were affecting her quality of life too much, she she has decided to withdraw treatment. A month ago I dropped my classes and moved back home to spend time with her and help her during the day while my stepfather works. In the past couple of months I've had this strange sort of tight feeling coming from my neck up the back of my head and too my eyes. Occasionally I'll get headaches in the same areas as well. However, this tight muscle feeling I can only describe as a dizzy feeling but I'm not actually dizzy if that makes sense but it does cause some mild nausea/butterfly in stomach feeling. IT's been getting worse as the reality of my mom's illness sets in as she declines and her neurological symptoms set in.
My question is, have any of you had these symptoms from anxiety? I'm constantly worried I have something wrong with me, IE cancer... but I'm terrified to go to the doctor because I'm afraid of what they might find. If it helps, the symptoms of this "ailment" are non existent when I'm out with friends or distracted. Yesterday I had to fly back to my universities town to take an exam for a class one professor let me stay enrolled in, in my absence. Leaving my mom for a couple days made me nervous and on my flight I had when I think was a panic attack. My head felt woozy and light and I was hyperventilating and wanted to pass out and I couldn't close my eyes without feeling dizzy. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.
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self.Anxiety
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Work challenges, life changes, relationship conflicts are taking over. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Monsters in my head again I hate my life currently. I switched to lithium two months ago and everything has gotten worse. I hate my body and am developing and ED again. I hate my house that I once loved because I can hear small noises constantly. I hate my job because well, I just hate it ( And this one actually is reasonable to hate, it's baby sitting a spoiled ten year old). And my husband is at his end trying to help me and balance school and work at the same time.
I just need to share this somewhere. I want to kill myself to get out of this mess.
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self.bipolar
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I wish the doctor would’ve never prescribed me Ativan. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I find Beverley McLachlin, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Canada, to be irresistibly sexually attractive [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Skiing anxiety. Any tips? I love to ski. And I'm a natural (or so I've been told.)
I've mastered techniques it takes some people months to get the hang of and I'm now starting intermediate slopes. I'm good at them, I can feel it. And for someone who is really only a beginner, I apparently "*look* like a pro!"
The above isn't me being boastful. It's something I'm ashamed of. I've got all this potential ...and yet I'm underachieving. My anxiety keeps kicking my ass and wasting what I ought to be great at. I'll be a short way down, I'll look at the steep steep slope and suddenly my stomach is in my throat, my eyes are watering, I'm too hot, my neck warmer is too tight, I can't breathe, I can't move, my goggles are steaming up and I can't even see... It's Hell. And the worst part? I start crying. And not just weeping either: big ugly babyish blubbery sobs and gasps with swollen eyelids and a red flushed face. It's so embarrassing. I apologize a lot when I panic because my parents, friends, and friends' parents were always super impatient with my panicking as a child. As an adult, I'm terrified of the people around me losing patience with me as well. And when people yell or scold me, my panicking intensifies. I can't cope at all.
And then I try to get over it. I tell myself I'll just take it slow.
And taking it slow means I have less control.
So I fall.
Yesterday, I fell on every slope. So I went to the green slopes to calm down and remember my techniques. I was so rattled that I fell there too. My tailbone and spine hurt, my arms are a mess, my legs are spotted with bruises. I'm so sore that I've chosen to take today off. I feel like such a loser. I am panicking in the lead up to pushing off the slope and then I'm panicking even more *while* hurtling down the slope. That's actually pretty dangerous because suddenly I can't remember what I'm meant to do.
Then there's my husband. He's a darling. He's handsome, athletic, strong, and insanely smart. He began skiing at age 2 and now at 27 years old he is an almost Olympic-level skier. He wants me to ski with him. He says I have lots of potential and believes we will one day be skiing black slopes together. Until just recently, he was very supportive and patient with my panicking. But yesterday, when I had the million-and-first meltdown on a slope he actually lost his temper. He didn't yell, not really, he just told me how pissed off he was and how he couldn't believe this kept happening.
"You were skiing fine. Then you fell. Again! What the hell?"
Me: "I know. I panicked. I started going really fast and then I couldn't think and I..."
Him: "Exactly. You panicked. You're not learning anything. I can't teach you anything."
Me: "I'm sorry."
Him: "You should be *past* this! We should've been on the advanced track *days* ago!"
Me: "..."
Him: "You skied well for all of five minutes today. *Five minutes!*"
Me: "..."
Him: "You've got the skill. You've got the techniques. You just won't use them. Now we're stuck up here. We've got a long walk back. I'd ski back with you but I know you're just going to bloody panic again. So we're walking now."
Me: "C-couldn't we get a ride? Snow patrol? Or a shuttle?"
Him: "Are you fucking kidding?! All the way out here? I'm not paying for that!"
Me: "Okay. I'm sorry."
Him: "STOP FUCKING APOLOGIZING!"
The thing I was most afraid of: him losing his temper at me because of my stupid panic attacks, finally happened. I'm mortified.
He left to go skiing this morning. He wanted me to come but I refused. I am very sore after yesterday and frankly, I don't want to ski with someone who talks to me like that.
Sorry this is so long. I've decided to cut it a little short. Other things were said yesterday too. Things that stung a lot.
Someone help?
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self.Anxiety
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I hate when people say: many great things are still ahead of you [deleted]
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self.depression
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I’m a sexually confused guy, madly in love with a bi guy friend I’ll never have I’m 19 years old and I was never sure about my sexual orientation. Since hitting puberty I felt infatuation and sexual interest towards both guys and girls. It never bothered me much as I’m surrounded by people that don’t care about people’s sexual orientation, so whether I’m gay, bi or bisexual isn’t really an issue. It is important to note that so far I only had the courage to be with girls.
My problem is John. John and I met about 15 months ago on some mutual friend’s gathering and it led to us staying up all night talking. I immediately felt some kind of attraction towards him - I found in him an amazing conversation partner, a wise, sensitive, incredibly emotionally intelligent guy who loves himself in a healthy way and doesn’t care what others think. Since then we only met a couple of times due to living an hour away from each other and living busy lives. Having said that, we are very close. Beside texting regularly, when we meet we have the most open conversations and share secrets we only feel comfortable telling each other.
As I got to know John I learned that he defines himself as a bisexual but is mostly leaning towards guys. He has slept with a couple of guys he met on all kinds of apps.
The more I got to meet him and talk to him the deeper in love I fell. He is a beautiful soul with which I have a rare connection and he is one of the most physically attractive people I know. I love his smell, his taste in everything, I love thinking about him and I keep fantasizing about sharing my life with him.
During multiple open-hearted conversations we had he made it clear that even though he cherishes me as a close friend, he is not interested in any romantic or sexual relationship with me.
It breaks my heart and it drives me crazy. I do maintain friendly contact with him and things aren’t weird between us or anything, but I’ll always crave more. He is the first guy I admitted to myself I fell in love with. It’s haunting me.
Any advice would be greatly welcomed.
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self.offmychest
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Any experience with Modafinil? My (very) cursory research seems like this might be good in addition to stabilizers and APs.
Any experiences? Good/bad whatever. Just looking for some thoughts.
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self.bipolar
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feeling extremely empty/what I learned this year so far I'm at that point in early adulthood where I realize:
my parents aren't perfect or the best people
no one cares about you, your wellbeing or what you are doing with your life
friends will leave you, oftentimes with no explanation, no matter how hard you try to make them stay or how good you are to them
same goes for boyfriends and even family in my case
9 times out of 10 no one gives a shit about your feelings or whether you're depressed or not
most therapists don't give a shit either and don't care about whether you make progress or not, you're just a number and a paycheck to them
people will overlook you if you're unattractive
most guys on dating websites just want to fuck you, waste your time and never talk to you again
you are the one who is in control of your life and happiness for the most part. if you don't have the means or smarts to improve things, tough luck.
it hurts that my brain doesn't work properly and I cant enjoy life as much as I should be. The last time I remember ever being truly happy was when I was in a relationship and he cut ties for no reason, although I am pretty sure my mental illness played some part in it. I just want to be happy again but I don't even know how.
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self.offmychest
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Depression This is my first post here. Sorry if I'm not in the right group or something, I just needed to write. I'm stable and have been for a while. I still experience highs and lows, just not as extreme as they once had been. I feel myself getting depressed. I hate this feeling. I keep trying to push this off but every few minutes I get a crushing feeling and I feel like I want to cry. In school on Friday I went to the bathroom for like 20 minutes and just cried and I don't know why. I have my finals at school coming up and some other kids are accusing me of doing something I haven't done and it all feels like too much. I don't want to do my work because I figure what's the point? I'm not going anywhere in life anyway. Even if I do well I don't deserve to go to a good college or have a good career. I just feel like shit.
Again, sorry if this is the wrong place. Just needed to rant.
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self.bipolar
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I destroyed the my relationship with the only person who ever made me happy. There's no point in living any more. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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i want to die i have just sat here in front of my computer for 3 hours and tried to think of what i could write here. and nothing came up. or rather, too much came up.
i am depressed since 5 years, and contemplated suicide for 3 years.
i dont see any reason in living. or i dont want to see it. i dont know.
i feel so much and feel nothing at the same time.
i want to be happy, but at the same time, i avoid it.
i found a girl, or rather my mother found her, and she liked me. that baffled me the most. how can a person like me, if i dont like me. i tried it. i tried to be happy. but i cant. i wont. i ended it with her. i didnt want to drag her down, i thought that she deserved someone better than me. i was saddened after i told her, but at the same time relieved, because i dont have to change my lifestyle, my surroundings, myself. i tried to change, but at the same time didnt want to change. i am my own worst enemy. its a cycle of hell. i just dont enjoy life, or i wont let myself enjoy it. i dont have hopes for a better tomorrow. i dont have faith in a god, because god is an asshole. i am a fat fuck, eat unhealthy and smoke 3 packs of cigs a day. i am too afraid to kill myself upfront, so i just do it slowly. im living hell everyday.
i want to die. please help me
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self.SuicideWatch
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Reasons to live Why do you want to live in this corrupt police state that falls deeper and deeper into shit everyday?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I slept with a woman, for the first time. I’m a woman. Scroll down for TL/DR...
So, this is my first time doing one of these things. I just have this bottled up inside and need to get it off my chest to anybody that I don’t know. That’s why we’re all here, right? I’m 21 years old. All my life I’ve struggled with my sexuality, but never had the courage to accept myself and remained in denial. I was raised in an old-fashioned Hispanic household with Catholic parents. Religion was always shoved down my throat but I never for one moment truly followed it. My parents always made it known that they did not agree with homosexuality, despite having some homosexual family members. It’s almost like they’ll accept anyone being gay as long as it’s not their own children. As a young child, I went through the weirdest experiences with sexuality. One of them being when my neighbor and I were just kids in elementary school and we discovered porn on direct tv. We would buy a bunch of porn on all of her tv’s and just lock the room and imitate what we were watching on each other. Not all the way but lighter things like flashing each other, making out, dry humping. Maybe to her it meant nothing, seeing as we’re still neighbors 10+ years later and we don’t say much past a ‘Hello’ to each other. Maybe she even forgot because we were so young. But I never did, and never shared this story with anybody else. That was probably one of the first moments that I began to question sexuality. But as any other unwanted memory, I always just kept it in the back of my mind.
Throughout the years, I never did more than just kiss girls. Girls that were friends. Still confused but I figured it was normal to pop kiss your friends. All I’ve ever dated and had sex with, were men. I’m currently on and off with my best friend (he’s a guy) for the past 6 years. He’s incredible. I’m convinced I want to marry him. He’s been there for me through the hardest times in my life. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like this is not the right time for us, and I still have some suppressed emotions that I have to confront. Such as my sexuality.
I met this beautiful girl about two years ago. We became instant friends. She worked next door. Time passed, life happened and we drifted. In the recent months, we rekindled our friendship and we have been inseparable since. She confided in me, and told me about her struggles with sexuality. She’s gone through so much similar situations, if not worse. Her parents are worse about sexuality than mine. She’s tried to come out to them before and they put her through therapy. I wanted to be there for her. I confided in her and she became the first person I’ve ever told about my attraction towards woman. She was so accepting. She helped me learn to accept myself. I thought I was developing a “friend” crush on her.
This is getting so long so I should probably get past the sap stories and cut to the chase. We both ended up confessing our feelings for one another. We’ve been spending so much time together. I’m finding it difficult to not want to be in her presence most of my days. We had sex for this first time this weekend. It was my first time sleeping with a woman and it was her first time too. It was everything I ever dreamt it would be. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. I feel like I’m going mad. I think I’m in love with her. But we can’t be together and we both know it, so we’re basically setting ourselves up for heartbreak. We’re both in extremely difficult situations. I’m moving away next year. We decided we’ll call it quits before then, so we’re embracing any moment we get to spend with each other in the mean time. I’m really going to miss her.
I don’t know what I’m doing in this moment in my life. All I know is I’m always going to be grateful she came into my life when she did. And because of her, I know that it’s okay to feel lost sometimes and not have everything figured out quite yet.
I guess I came on here because I can’t talk about this with anyone else. It’s a huge secret we both have to live with. I would never want my best friend to find out. So, basically in the recent months, my life made a drastic turn.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. It feels so good to let it out somewhere. I’m not seeking advice, just someone to listen. Hence why I made this throwaway account.
TL/DR; Had sex with a woman for the first time who happens to be a really good friend of mine. We’re both in love with each other but we can’t be together.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone else trying to manage without medication? Disclaimer: I’m not looking to be talked into getting on medication (or judged for not being on it yet), but if you feel like sharing helpful things I’m all ears.
I have Bipolar, PTSD, and ADHD. These things dominate every aspect and every single day of my life. Self-care is a full time job, therapy is all consuming, I am not stable, I can’t work, it isn’t a fucking cake walk but it is all I’ve ever known and I’ve accepted it. I have had these issues since the teen years, but just got diagnosed at 30. I figure I have somehow survived this long without meds so...
I have a Psychiatrist, we are in talks about meds but I’m not convinced it will be better. I haven’t heard many success stories of managing comorbid illness with medication. It seems I would be trading my physical health for my mental health. It also seems like the meds that help one illness can worsen another. Finally, it seems meds may help to lighten severity but don’t get rid of episodes. Is it worth it? Feel free to weigh in.
I have been giving the no meds, natural remedy, therapy, self care, lifestyle change route everything I’ve got. I really don’t want to be on meds (it isn’t a stigma thing I promise), but I am wondering what else I can do to make things better. If anyone else out there is managing without meds, I’d love to hear how/what is helping.
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self.bipolar
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Why did you have to lie? Using a throwaway because I have some residual embarrassment about being taken in by this guy.
He doesn’t like wearing a condom, I made him wear one the first time and he made a fuss and ended up taking it off halfway through.
So I ask him if he can’t bring himself to use a condom then he needs to not be Fucking other people. He deems this perfectly reasonable- his exact words. I’m satisfied with this, we fuck, he leaves.
Less than an hour later I’m apparently putting ‘pressure’ on him and he doesn’t want a relationship- no shit dude, me neither I just don’t want a raging STD or three. I didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell him I couldn’t trust him to sleep with other people and use a condom so I just dodged the questions and he made massive assumptions that I wanted a boyfriend.
I know getting out of there was a good call. I know I should feel good about this decision. But somehow I’m stuck on the fact that it’s perfectly reasonable to no fucking way in an hour. I know it was just about sex but it still feels like I’ve been used.
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self.offmychest
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Feeling Guilty About Taking Mental Health Days I really can't/don't want to deal with the world today, but I've already taken a lot of mental health days this semester. I've been having an off and on crying fit after waking up abnormally early, and the thought of getting out of bed up is stressing me out. Today, I can't even find motivation to even put sweatpants on.
I don't know if I'm a low-end mixed-state, or slipping back into a depressive stage.
I feel like a manufactured representation for someone's art exhibit representing depression. Numb, fake, and glued to my bed.
Taking too many days makes me feel pathetic. I just want to control the chaos inside of me.
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self.bipolar
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Panic attack? Hallucination? I don’t even know Okay...so I’m new to posting. But I need to know if this is normal. I was diagnosed bipolar a few months ago. I’m 27. I was put on lexapro with no results and have now been on latuda for a month and a half.
I was just sitting in class, paying attention to lecture when I had a panic attack. Or maybe a hallucination of sorts. I’m all jumbled up on what to think. There was a knock on a door in the hall, I know that. But my mind turned it into a couple gunshots and then I just started panicking but didn’t move from my seat. I couldn’t breath for about 20 minutes and was in full fledge freak out mode.
I know it’s not normal...but is it normal?
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self.bipolar
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Is it possible to not gain weight on Olanzapine? I just got out of inpatient with a prescription for Olanzapine.
Is weight gain inevitable? If I control my food intake and follow CICO will I still gain weight?
I'm freaking out.
Edit: am on 2.5 mg
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self.bipolar
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I've always been the lonely outsider and it's driving me crazy [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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i rlly need to share this with someone about the stuff my mom told me about my dad some simple information to begin with.
my dad died 03/03/2010, in brazil (my birthplace), he was 44 when he died, i was 6 at the time.
since i was really young when that happend, i didnt remember much of it, bercause of it, my mom, being concerned about the trauma, decited to "hide" some stuff about my dad, of coude i dont blame her, if i was on her shoes i would've done the same...
so on to the story.
my dad, from my memories wasnt a great dad, he was acoholic and abusive towards my mom, sadly, she couldnt just leave my dad because at the time we were really depended on him. the only memory ive remember was one that my mom locked me and my borther in out room so that he wouldnt beat us...
but the stuff gets worst. my mom didnt told me this until a few days ago, my dad... was a drug dealer, and owed a lot of money to a gang, who had given him money. they would hunt down my dad and my family, i remember countess times of strangers coming to our house and scaring us, of couse, i was a kid, so i thought it was only just bad guys trying to steal our stuff... but, they were trying to scare mt dad so that they could have the money back...
we moved alot, countess times.. i think it was because of the gang try to get to us, we went to a really small town, Piraquara, it was so small it didnt had any hospitals or sky scrappers...
and then, the day came...
it was night (around 8pm), my mom just brought a box full of vhs movies, i remeber bein so exited, i got a movie and ran to my room, i had a cube tv close to my door. i lived in sort of a farm on the rural zone of my city. so it was really easy to hear when a car passes by. my dad was comming from work, we had a gate so my dad pressed the button to open it, i was in the window of my house. since ive hear my dad coming i wanna see him. i was naive so i didnt know about anything... then, ive heard. BANG.... and then, a long, and unending horn from my dad's car.... i froze. i dint know what to do... my mom, acting fast, quickly turned off all the lights of the house and called 190 (te police phone number in brazil). i felt like the world had just stopped.... i had no idea what was going on... the only things ive remeber was getting out of my house after the police came, and going to the police car.....
just after years that i have now know exacly what happend to my dad. i thought he had died from a roberry, or a crazy guy who had shot him... but no, he got killed by one of the gang members, since he didnt pay for the money...
my mom, tried to give ur a false memory of him, saying that he was a hero... and, unintencionally, she caused me to have rlly bad depression... he was saying how much of a hero he was, while in my memories i just remerber him beating my mom and getting drunk.. i felt horrible about my self, ive felt like ive hateded a guy who didnt deserved this... she even manage to put a fake memory on my head, saying that we got into a home invasion and that my dad tried to save us.... ill give the link to that fake story at the end...
rn, after years of having thoes fake memories and wroung thoughts... i feel like i cant even trust my own thoughts, what if everything my mom told me was a lie? what if she didnt rlly loved me?
after knowing the truth, im having rlly bad relationships with my mom, she doent trust me because i secretly buy razors and drink, and i dont trust her because he manage to brainwhash me, making me mold a fake hero, who i thought it was my dad....
im just rlly hopping i get to go to therapy soon... i rlly need to talk about this to seomeone, and i dont trust anyone in my family to tell the.,,, thats why im doing it here...
im sorry if its rlly long, and i sorry didnt itsnt exacly suicide related, i just rlly needed a place where random people with similar problems can understand me.....
link to the fake story my mom told me (just letting you know, she told me on a fucking familly group thereapy, she fucking lied to my face and the therapist... i dont think ill manage to forgive her for that...)
https://www.reddit.com/r/nsfl/comments/7kf0l7/how_my_dad_got_killed/
i still have mixed fellings for my mom and dad, we lived in a rlly poor and dangerous place, being scared was our day-to-day life, so i know that my mom did all of that too keep us safe... and i rlly hate myself for not forgiving her... tho i dont express it how frustaded i am (because she is a good mother), i rlly wish that none of that wouldve happend...
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self.SuicideWatch
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My thoughts on women who attend parties I think a woman who attends parties, raves and other such illogical waste of time 'events' and hooks up with random men every week are not ones that are meant for marrying or even loving by a real man as they have no morals.
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self.offmychest
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Lost my closest friend, No friends and in college. Lonely and wishing for that strong connection again. I'm an 18 year old guy just starting my first semester of college. It's okay since the works not too hard and I made all A's in High School. Graduated High School in June and I've been thinking about a lot of things. Things that happened leading up to all my close friends leaving or ghosting me right before I graduated. I'm even questioning if they were even my friends or they were just using me for the 3 years that I knew them to drive them around.
While I was in High School I had a close friend, Let's call her "jewel". I had first met Jewel when I moved to a new school in my town during my sophomore year, It was the other high school in my town. Me and Jewel used to be best friends, Every day I would be in class and we would both be interested in each other, Talking to each other the whole class period while still somehow scrambling our work together. You could say we were both heavily invested in each other for at least a year or two, Like it was fate or destiny that we crossed paths. She would always say things to me sexually as I recall one moment where she said she was going to make sexual jokes about me when she needed my attention or when she was referring to me. Junior year comes around but she's different, But I'm still the same, I haven't changed. During this time she is also dating this dude, She seems happy with him and I have no problem with it. Then all of the sudden she texts me late at night and the weirdest thing happens, She tells me for whatever reason that she just had sex with her boyfriend and that they "Laid" it down. I didn't even know how to respond with such an odd and misplaced text from her so I remember I just responded with"That's not really any of my business but OK". By the end my junior year she started having sprees where she would talk to me and be really cool and invested and then she would start distancing and sit away from me not talking to anybody. I ask her if she's OK and she said she was fine but I could tell she wasn't. Senior year comes around and I haven't talked to her in a couple months, As the first day comes around she sits with me and we are back to our old ways but there is still something wrong with her, She's not the same. During the end of the year she just stops talking to me all together, She stops sitting with me at lunch at the last month of school. I do not know what I did wrong and I still think about her as a friend. I didn't know a lot about her, I wanted to learn more about her life and where she comes from before I made a move on her and started getting romantically involved. I feel like she dislikes me now because she thinks I do not like her in a romantic way. I would talk to her but she doesn't reply to my texts and I have no idea where she's at. Now in college I know I have bigger and better things but I wanted to get this off my chest for a while. I just do not know what went wrong, I just want to go back to the good old days. I want to be with her while I'm in college but I just can't seem to find her in my town. She also was having family problems and moved out and lived with multiple people. She couldn't live with me because my parents wouldn't let her. Any advice on her or what I should do? I really want to reunite with her, Especially since my life routine has been very boring with college and going to work. Any advice on what went wrong or what I should do? Please ask me questions on the details, There is years worth of experiences of details with her that I might be leaving out, I just need someone to reignite them so ask away.
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self.offmychest
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I just want to shut out the entire fucking world My anxiety never gets better. I can't overcome anything. Exposure therapy doesn't fucking work.
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self.Anxiety
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Abilify tremors starting after a year? Very very shaky and the only thing I can think of is the Abilify, I am on 10mg a day
Can this start after a year?? Worried
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self.bipolar
|
Had to say something... and ask something Hi,
I don't want to die, but death is on my mind everyday. I go to sleep thinking about it, and I wake up thinking about it. It gives me new perspectives and points of view of everyday experience, and it's looking bleak. Suicidal ideation serves as a consoling psychological crutch, and it's a little scary.
I have dreams, aspirations... I'm passionately curious, but sometimes it's all I can do to just breathe. I love life but I can't deny that I've seriously considered giving up. The daily struggles of mental illness has had an accumulative affect on my desire to live. I can't tell my family about what I go through, they have enough on their plate. They're struggling too you know? Just in a different way I guess.
I struggle to cope everyday, I can barely function. Infact... I'm a non-functioning member of society. I have done nothing to contribute to society. I've become a burden on society and on my family. I hardly ever speak to my family but I rely on them to survive because I can't work in my current state. I'm lucky I'm not on the street. Can't afford drugs or therapy. Family don't understand. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I've done a lot of personal research on my condition, and psychology in general and it's helped but... Idk.
I'm alone day in and day out. I listen to the saddest songs with the saddest lyrics just so I can have something to resonate some of my feelings. I can't even leave the house. I don't think I'm agoraphobic but leaving the house does induce intense anxiety. I think it's related to c-ptsd. If I'm not in a state of intense anxiety- heart palpatations, uneven breathing, shaky hands, feeling like the end of the world is ontop of me - then I'm morbidly depressed.
I hope it's okay for me to ask but does anyone know where I can read suicide journals? I've read one and now I really want to read more. I hope it's not inappropriate to ask.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like I’m an inconvenience or a nuisance to people, and I am not genuinely wanted. And for that reason, this world would be better off without me. I’m not suicidal, but if something were to completely accidentally kill me, then I’m sure a lot of people would be relieved to be rid of this unwanted individual (me).
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self.depression
|
Anyone on the autism spectrum? Hitting a hypomanic insomnia state where I can't focus on any tv shows or sleeping so I figured to make a post here.
So if anyone has autism plus bipolar please private message me or I guees you could leave a comment.
I can't really promise I'll get back to you in a day or even longer knowing how I'm cycling pretty heavily but I'll try my best..
Peace.
Going to try and get some sleep again..
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self.bipolar
|
Anybody else have anxiety of dying in their sleep but their depression accepts it? Every night I hesitate to fall asleep because my thoughts of death consume me but at the same time, I accept it
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self.depression
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Casually Suicidal I have recurring thoughts of hanging or shooting myself. It's this tape that keeps playing in the background. What if lose my job? Don't worry, you can always hang yourself. Lose my house? Just shoot yourself. Problem solved! I feel so nonchalant about it, like it's the easy, obvious solution. It's hard to bring it up with my therapist, because I don't really want to hurt myself. It would be nice to cease to exist is really how I'm feeling.
Does anyone have suggestions for bringing it up with my therapist or making the script stop?
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self.depression
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This loneliness is eating away at my entire being. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Every year gets better, but every year gets worse It’s torture. I can see the light, the promise of something new, independence. But my heart knows that it’ll be more of the same for me afterwards: I’ll work hard for little pay, fail to interact with others, never get my dream job, and forever be stomped all over by my superiors, for no other reason than the stain on existence that is the human race.
And I DONT KNOW WHY I FEEL THIS WAY. I have plenty to be objectively happy about but I can’t stop concentrating on the hole inside me, getting bigger and bigger as I realize I’m destined to never graduate, I’m destined to stay in my garbage blue-collar hometown building trains or some bullshit unless I kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't want to kill myself, but I also don't want to live anymore [deleted]
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self.depression
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I made up my mind, but I don't understand why people don't understand [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression attacks are back. It's 3.30 am, third night in a row as I cannot sleep. I don't even care if I'm gonna miss morning classes at uni. Right now I'm just comforting myself reading the sub and realizing that at least I'm not so alone with all my problems. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Is a relationship healthy while depressed? I've been in a relationship for a while now. It's the first one I've been in since I started struggling with depression in force about 3 years ago.
When I was single I just felt this constant, gnawing loneliness. It was like a dull pain, if that makes sense. Since I started seeing this girl though it's become more volatile. It's like the lows drag all my insecurities and self-hatred into a single point. The consistent pain felt, in a very vague sense, manageable, or at least allowed me to function. This does not. At the same time when I see her in person it feels like I'm being sheltered from the storm, if only for a moment.
We're about to enter into a long distance relationship, and I just don't know if I'm emotionally ready for it. I don't want to expose myself, or her, to the pain. I feel like I need to work on myself before I can have a relationship that does more good for me than harm. It doesn't help that, now that she knows of my depression, she's become totally focused on long-term solutions and is afraid of enabling me by being an "emotional band-aid."
I love her and don't want to break up with her. At the same time I don't know if I can deal with these ups and downs. When you're depressed is it possible to be in a relationship that is both positive for you in the long run and makes you feel better in the short term? Is it possible to have a relationship at all?
Sorry if this is hard to follow. I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts.
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self.depression
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Finding an apartment has made me realize how creepy men can actually be. Offering reduced or free housing for a live in girlfriend is weird. You are weird. Not just pathetic and creepy, but really really really weird.
Here’s a few examples of emails I’ve gotten over the past few days:
Creep with kids:
“Its me, my 2 sons. My sons are 15 and in high school. I'm in my 40's
Renting has worked out great so I decided to give you a shot if you're interested. If you are open minded I think it can work.
I'm a single good looking dude with no attachments so there would be no drama. Not looking to be tied down but wouldn't mind a winter affair. I am willing to share my room. Kids are aware. Price is negotiable. We can make it whatever we want it to be. No pressure.”
Creep that’s also racist:
Email one: “Can I see more pics? You can move in this weekend if you’d like”
Email two after I didn’t respond: “You scared? Come on baby”
Email three: “Stupid fucking ni*ger”
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self.offmychest
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Tired I've been feeling tired and unhappy ever since I can remember.
I've tried everything. Years of therapy. So many antidepressants. It never helped. I shouldn't be this unhappy, I don't want to be tired like this forever but it does not get better.
I will overdose soon. Opiates, benzodiazepines, alcohol, promethazine. It will probably take a long time before anyone will even notice me being gone.
To you, the reader: Please take care of yourself if you can. And thank you for listening to me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling like such an Alien right now. Family mistook a bad joke as me being manic. Thought I had been doing really well recently now I’m reevaluating all my recent actions and behaviour and am wondering what everyone else I’ve come in contact with is thinking. Never did this pre diagnosis, doesn’t feel normal/human. Fuck.
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self.bipolar
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There seriously has to be acceptable solutions and responses to people that seriously just want to end their lives with no pain. So instead of saying why I hate my life i'll just c/p my facebook post.
"
Boy I wish there was a way to like have income for family after death. And a way to instantly die painlessly. I'm Straight up sick of life. Living with family and now with fucking people I don't even know is miserable. Always being in debt is miserable. Being single literally my whole life is miserable, did you know I'm a 30 year old virgin? That's pretty fucking miserable and pathetic! Having a ridiculous amount of free time and nobody or nothing to spend it on/with is miserable. Having no clue what you would even be doing a few years from now that is positive is pretty miserable. Knowing there is literally nothing that is going to change any of this is also miserable as fuck.
Guess my plans this weekend is trying to find out the best way to keep to myself until i finally have the courage to kill myself!"
I guess since I hate my life I am an attention whore according to some! Judging by responses such as "You wish you had cancer after I told you I had cancer? You really are a miserable dick. Get a job if you need money that damn bad. I know blind people in wheelchairs with severe mental health issues who work. Stop making fucking excuses as to why you can't do shit. Maybe if you weren't obsessed with getting your 30 year old dick wet you could find some ambition. You don't care about helping others but you want all of Facebook to care about your virgin dick? Suck that shit up and do something to make your life better, instead of bitching and whining for attention."
Like there really is just nothing I can do right apparently. Joined the military when I was 18, pretty much was a failure most my time in there, my commander hated everything about me and made sure I felt like the piece of shit I am until I got out, got out tried to go to school, found out I couldn't even do that because I have some kind of mental block and I cannot retain information to save my fucking life. Been doing nothing but collecting my disability for the past 8 years.
Now I just live paycheck to paycheck(paychecks that I dont even earn) while going to the casino and losing a lot of it and also telling myself I will "do better" and just never do it.
I'm sorry for even posting this, I am just frustrated beyond belief. I know most of my problems, but I am either too lazy or unwilling to fix them and just seek attention. I guess i'm a masochist, I am just really sick of living such a pathetic life and really want a way for me to go away painlessly while not leaving my family behind with nothing to show for it and just hope things are just better.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lost and no support system My husband isn't the most emotionally supportive person. I told him my depressive and suicidal thoughts and he becomes angry every time I share how I feel. He threatens to off himself first. Last Monday, our friend died due to multiple organ failure and I reminded him to take care of himself - to eat better and to lessen his smoking. He told me if he dies because of his negligence, I can handle myself. I felt so discouraged and what very little optimism I had just left me. I feel like I really have no one to talk to.
I'm having serious what-ifs in my life that I can't just go back and pursue again. I'm looking for ways to kill myself. I'd rather make it look like an accident but all the ways I've researched aren't really 100% foolproof. I'm just so tired. My insurance policy isn't fully paid yet. I have a couple more years and that's pretty much the only thing that keeps me going. I'd want to at least leave something for my loved ones before I die.
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self.depression
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denied inpatient care so last night I went to my towns hospital in desperate need of help an told them I was going to kill myself. I told them I wanted and inpatient program. Instead, regardless of a suicide attempt two nights ago and fresh cuts on my arms they referred me drug counselling. Drugs are not even my problem. What do I do to get them to take me seriously. Do I actually have the be sent in an ambulance
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self.bipolar
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A,project: bipolar guide So I've seen people wanting to do this or an app and then shit happens and it gets dropped, which worries me b/c I struggle a lot. I'm doing this as a two birds thing a) I need to function IRL and be able to start and finish projects despite mood states and executive function issues. B) I want a guide of the stuff I've learned and I'm sure people will find it useful, particularly new people
I've been wanting to do this since spring. I guess I'll start now.
A number of you guys have posted skills, studies, useful information for this disorder and how to cope, I'm trying to collect it in one place that's easy to find.
I'm not really sure how to do this. A web site maybe to start? I'm not sure how to collect info either. I might just post a weekly topic and add that information to the guide.
Maybe we could start with a list of topics you'd like to see in a guide... What say you?
Some of mine:
Crisis section
DBT Skills, hotlines, resources for healthcare, meds, housing, other assistance
After crisis section
Finding resources to get back to work, maintain stability, working with your partner/family, books/videos (for you/them), working with work
A general guide for the new
What is hypo/mania?
The top five meds and side effects (lamictal, lamotrigine, seroquel,...)
Things to have checked: thyroid, vit d, vit b12...
Grey Matter/White matter and how to restore it
Top Self care tips (diet:keto, meditation, yoga, exercise, sleep, SAD therapy lights, coping skills:DBT)
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self.bipolar
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Interaction I always feel like "friends" only talk to me when they want something or they are afraid I'll kill myself.
I guess it should make me feel better when someone interacts with me but the thoughts above make me think I'm a nuisance and not worth talking to.
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self.depression
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How Does One Crawl Out of the Pit? Just as the title asks: how does one crawl up?
Every day I'm in this grey, lifeless limbo. All my Life, my vitality, has been vacuumed out. It's like living in Purgatory. And I am sick and tired of it. I'm sick and tired and exhausted of living in my room and not being able to find the door to get out.
I was at a point in my life where I just felt like I was falling apart, breaking down inside. Leaving bits behind me like broken glass. And so I stopped and jumped off the ride. No, it wasn't smart: I have a place to live at the moment, but no job, no insurance, a doubtful future. So no, I won't argue it wasn't very smart, but it wasn't any stupider than ditching from a speeding car before it goes off a cliff.
Now, I just want to find a way to live, not just suffocate under mere existence. But I have no idea what to do or where to go. I honestly don't, can't, believe that I can get out. The way people believe in the God's provision, the way that they believe that God will always be there for them no matter what; that level of belief is just how deep my own belief in my worthlessness. It's not just self-doubt: it's a black hole of self-loathing.
I'm just tired of going on day after same grey, featureless day. I tell myself if I had some ambition, some dream to chase after, that'd be the kick in the pants I needed. That I just need a chance, a push in the right direction. But it's not true, I'm too lazy to ever work after anything. So what's the point of even trying? What's the point of chasing after doors, when they're all the wrong one?
I know, no one else can figure anything out but me, it is my life after all. I've tried to get help: the few friends I have (we just live too far to be there for each other, besides I always end up drifting away from them), from my family (the most I ever got from them was a lecture on how I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and simply choose to make myself happy). I've seen therapists: I saw my first one until I had to start working nights, my second until my employer changed insurance and she didn't take the new one, and saw my third for 4 sessions before my car was hit by a semi truck.
So here I am, no job, no car, no insurance. And the barest flicker of life. It's like Life is saying "No, Son, this is how it's supposed to be. This is just how you're supposed to be you little shit." The irony of course, is that I'm not that deep. My life, such as it is, isn't that craptastic. People have come through a lot more shit than anything I've ever faced. (Though instead of being inspirational, it just throws more shit on to the guilt dumpster fire that's always raging inside.)
So that's it. That's my long-winded rant. I'm breaking down, rotting inside. And I'm too much of a coward to end it on my own. But I have no idea where to go. No idea what to do next. All I wish, is that I could lay down tonight, close my eyes and never have to wake up again.
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self.depression
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A Broken Vase Analogy Hey so this may be cringy af but doing analogies to compare myself to certain things and situations help me explain myself and how i feel currently. So here is my broken vase analogy.
At first im a vase. Not anything special but this vase can help life thrive by place some flowers in it and can hold beauty within itself. This vase in particular was knocked off its shelf for the first time and shattered. Physically and mentally destroying it. People walk past once and a while. They dont see the broken vase as they step on it. Crushing the broken pieces even more and hurting the person who stepped on it. Causing a situation where both the vase and the person are hurt. After 3 years the vase is still broken. On the ground. Person after person is stepping on it making it harder to fix. Hurting more and more people. Longer and longer time goes past. The vase waits for someome to pick up the pieces and try to fix the cracks. Or someone to throw out the vase so it no longer hurts anyone else.
Tl;dr
Someone startes a chain reaction where people hurt me and i hurt them back. No one has good intentions to help me but rather stumble upon me. If that makes sense?
*sidenote*
Sorry if this was really dumb and cringe. Just wanted to right somthing that reflects on me.
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self.depression
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I need to die. It's no longer a want I really need to die. I just figured out that I have no empathy. I don't care about the emotions of anyone. I understand why I haven't had a friend in 8years it's because I'm not capable of being in a relationship where I care for another person. I never learned empathy because I never had a friend and now I can't make a relationship with anyone because I'm evil I'm not human. I can't believe it took me all these years to realize this. I have to die someone like me shouldn't exist.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is there a link between a generally fucked up life and parent's divorcing when their child was young? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Happy new year!! I wish my bipolar peeps a safe night filled with love and happiness with no drama! I also wish you a stable new year. I hope this next year brings you a little closer to loving yourself and teaching other people how to love you so you have the support network you need moving forward. I hope you experience a sense of inner peace and confidence that will allow you to be successful in any part of your life. Overall, I simply hope this year gives you a break from the hardship so you don't feel like you "white knuckled" it to 2019. For those of u in deep depression now please know you have value and this too shall pass. It may not happen as fast as we like but I promise it will pass. Please hang in there! I believe in all of you!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
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self.bipolar
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MY BOIS I JUST GOT MY CRUSHES NUMBER AND IM SUPER HYPED [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Struggling a lot right now. I know I shouldn't cut myself. I shouldn't drink heavily. I shouldn't avoid lifely duties. I should do my homework, go to my classes, take my medication.
I know exactly what I have to do to feel better. Yet I have these stupid fuckng impulses to do stuff that makes me feel worse. This cynical part of me enjoys chaos. The cynical part of me enjoys psychosis and forgetting that I exist.
i can't help but recognize that the better I feel, the more self-destructive I act.
Does anybody have their own experience to share about this? Or any idea of how to work through it?
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self.bipolar
|
My depression has destroyed so much of my motivation that I'm not even going to study for final exams This is a low point.
I have always gotten good or decent grades even though it takes me a while to start studying. I just can't handle it anymore. My mind is totally foggy and I can't concentrate. I have exams next week and I have barely started studying. I am getting an A in all of my classes. I can get a 0 on the exam and still pass the course.
I have never failed an exam before but this time, I don't care because of my depression and because I can pass the course anyways. I have left all my studying for last minute. My plan is to just review a bit and maybe get a 60? A 30 or 40 would leave me at a B average. Next semester I will start fresh.
This is the ultimate low for me. I have never failed an exam and I always study to do well because I'm a perfectionist, but I might next week.
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self.depression
|
I can't think of a single good reason to not kill myself. Hello. My name is Erik. I'm 29 years old, and I'm seriously considering killing myself. In fact, I already have a plan of action in place and the means to carry it out, but I'm desperately looking for some reason, anything at all not to go through with it. But the more I think about it, the more it seems like the only logical option. Here's why:
1. People hate me. Seriously. I have no friends at all and haven't had any for over a decade. I've never had a girlfriend or even had a girl be remotely interested in me. In fact, every girl I meet treats me with absolute disgust. All of the friends I've ever made in my entire life abandon me. About six months ago a new girl started at my job and it seemed like we were going to be friends, but once she got to know me she stopped talking to me completely. That's usually how it goes. Once people get to know me, they run for the hills as soon as possible. My mom is the only one who actually likes me, I think. I've tried going out to meetups and joining a Buddhist group to try to make friends, but after 3+ years of trying, I still have not made a single friend. People just hate me, there seems to be nothing I can do about it.
2. I'm an utter failure. I seriously can't do anything at all right. I barely scraped through high school, and that was only because I am intelligent and could pass my tests with ease. Once I got into the "real world", however, things completely fell apart. I immediately failed out of college, then was forced to move in with a bunch of ski bums who HATED me (see #1). I lived with them for five years, and during those years I completely broke down, mostly because of their constant talking behind my back and telling me I was a fucking weirdo who was probably a serial killer among other things. It got to the point where I couldn't hold a job (because people at work always hated me too), so I had to beg for money from my mother to pay for rent and food. I would have been homeless if not for her support. Even with her help, I had to steal food from my roommates to survive, which of course made them hate me even more. Eventually I broke down and they called the cops on me, and I was taken to the hospital. Since then, I have struggled and failed to do anything constructive with my life. I am holding a job, somehow, but that's mostly because it is the easiest job in the world. I literally just sit in a warehouse all day every day and play on the computer. If I couldn't have so much down time at work, I know I would break down and fail miserably. Oh, and I should mention I work completely alone. I couldn't work if it required interaction with other people, not in a million years.
3. Therapy and medication aren't working. I feel like I've tried everything, and nothing seems to help. My therapist tells me I need to "love myself first" but how the hell can anyone do that if everyone around them hates them so much? It seems to be a catch-22 if you ask me. Humans require connection, it's a basic need for us. If you take that away, how exactly is a person supposed to believe they are lovable or worthy? It doesn't make a damn bit of sense to me, and yet that's what everyone tells me. "Love yourself first." Easy for all you people to say, you have reasons to believe other people can love you. I don't have any reasons at all, only experience after experience of not being good enough in any way for anyone at all. All those experiences undercut any attempts of my therapists to help. I just can't believe what they are saying to me.
4. I can't be alone anymore. Seriously. I'm nearly 30 and have never experienced love or sex, or even a close friendship. I WILL NOT go into my 30s this way. I can't. I will choose death over loneliness for the rest of my life, and I can't see any other options than those two. No matter what I try, people just despise me, and I can't take it anymore. But I don't want to kill myself either. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I got diagnosed with a rare medical condition and I worry it's slowly destroying my life [LONGISH] [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Mostly just venting as an anonymous nobody Disclaimer: sorry if you see this as me complaining, I just feel like I need to get things off my chest with the anonymity of the internet.
I’m a 19 year old guy, graduated high school in 2016. I’m currently recording with a band.
I feel stuck, I feel like my whole life is going no where. Like I’ve been waiting for this time, and now that it’s come I’m wasting it completely. I haven’t gone to college. I honestly don’t know if I want to or not. I always told myself I would. When I graduated I said I would go to school after my bands album was complete. We had been building a studio for years and recently completed it, so I already knew the process would be arduous, but even so, here it sit almost two years later with only 4 songs and album artwork to show for it. We are still making progress and I desperately want to finish this album and see what I can do as a musician.
But I also feel that I am wasting my time, this part of my life only comes once, am I wasting it? If I go all this way for my project and then have nothing to show for it I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. It feels like the people around me are giving up on me, nights get longer and longer and I’m often awake until the sun rises because of awful thoughts that invade my head at night. I don’t want to die, I figured that out after I tried to some years ago. But I don’t know what I do want, I feel lost. I feel like I need direction. Can anyone relate? I feel so alone when I’m like this, like I can’t quite explain what’s going on in my head. It’s probably because I don’t understand it myself. I’m sorry for the long post, I’m going to try to sleep now
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self.depression
|
Something isn’t right. My 72 hour hold that lasted 16 days... I don’t know what to do after this experience. Sorry if this post looks crappy on a desktop, because this is all being typed via iPhone. Hopefully you guys could give me a little bit of advice about this. Please, any input!
A little background information about myself -
I’ve been dealing with benzodiazepine addiction for about 9 years. So many failed attempts at kicking benzos have caused me to lose faith about being able to control my anxiety and depression without medication. For the past 3 years, it has become severe. Very severe. 10-20 Xanax bars a day. If I can’t acquire Alprazolam, I’ll take any benzo, with the equivalent of roughly 10 bars throughout the day. Whatever gets rid of my crippling anxiety has been “okay” in my book. This addiction became even worse after I started using Clonazolam, Flubromazolam, Flunitrazolam, and many other RC benzos. To top it off, add close to a handle of vodka a day. I got my first 5150 in California, during fall of last year for thoughts of suicide. Here is my story about what has happened to me during this month.
On New Year’s Day, I made an impulsive decision to pack all of my belongings in my car and make a trip to Las Vegas. I don’t exactly know why I came to Vegas. Probably because I knew I had a friend who would let me stay at his place, and worst case scenario, I could hang out at Casinos during the night when it’s cold. After about a 6 hour drive, I arrived at my friends house with almost no gas left. I spent the last of my cash on a celebratory tall can after I got here. To top it all off, my tolerance was so high, I was taking at least 10mgs of Clonazolam a day.
By my second day here, I started using Meth. I’m not a big fan of stimulants, but every decision I was making was on impulse. Nothing made sense. 5 days later, I’m still awake, dehydrated, haven’t eaten much, and of course, I had gone through all of my Clonazolam. The withdrawals were hitting me hard, so I decided that my only option was to go to the ER, in hopes of them keeping me comfortable, and pointing me in the direction of a rehab or detox facility. I had a refill for my Klonopin prescription, but I told myself that I needed medical care from a professional. Here’s where I’m having a hard time comprehending what they decided to do with me, and how I was treated. I clearly explained to the nurses and doctors that I was withdrawing from several types of drugs, as well as alcohol. I can’t stress enough how many times I told them, LONG TERM BENZODIAZEPINE ABUSE/DEPENDENCY.
I remember the first two days. They kept me comfortable with IV fluids and Ativan as needed. After two days, I went into some form of psychosis. I don’t remember the third day, but days 3 and 4 consisted of extreme auditory and visual hallucinations. These were by far, the craziest and most intense hallucinations I’ve ever experienced from withdrawals. I thought that the damn thing that holds the saline bags with the computer to adjust the flow, was a time machine. I spent three days wide awake, traveling around the country, hanging out with friends, and talking to my new best friend, the time machine. The nurses that had to put up with my shit were a part of my “trip”, but in my mind, I was not in a hospital. I can’t comprehend if what they did to me was normal, or even legal.
My first memory of these hallucinations consisted of a lot of Ativan, as well as listening to music on my phone. It was later confirmed by a nurse, that I was given 42mgs of Ativan in the span of 12 hours. Even I said holy shit, 42mgs was okayed by the doctor!? After the 12 hours, a new nurse was assigned to watch over me. I’ll just call this guy Steve. He found it necessary to grab me by the wrists throughout the night, and constantly yell at me, or tell me to stay in my bed with a very aggressive tone. I wasn’t combative. I was hallucinating from the drugs, and wandering around my room. Now what I don’t understand, is why they didn’t sedate me with a non-benzo alternative, or use restraints if necessary. My wrists are still bruised from this guy “man handling” me throughout his shift. Security was eventually called. I can’t remember what I said or did to make him so angry, but I clearly remember him saying that he’d “kick my teeth in”. I was shocked and told him that he can’t talk to me like that, and he repetitively said that he didn’t care. I tried bribing him to let me go with my expensive RayBan sunglasses (prescription) and he slipped them into his pocket.
At day 5 or 6, the hallucinations were gone, and I was somewhat coherent. I was told that the doctor placed me on an L2K (involuntary hold) because of my hallucinations. I was agitated, but again, not combative or suicidal. Verbally, I was an asshole. I feel as if most of the agitation was caused by my rapid changes of the types of benzos, as well as the doctor switching me to 5mg of Librium after so much Ativan was pumped into my arm. I demanded that someone explain this “hold” to me. They said that the medical doctor had cleared me after day 3, but I needed a psychiatrist or psychologist to take the hold off. I was also told many times that I had no rights. None. No phone calls, no visitors, etc. I somewhat accepted my fate, but was very confused. How could the medical doctor clear me while I was hallucinating? Despite what they said, I knew that I still had rights as a patient, but they were limited.
Later this night, Steve was assigned to watch me and my roommate. My roommate was an elderly man and very delusional. Yelling the whole time, with incomprehensible words due to his thick Louisiana accent. I didn’t know much about him, but I knew that he wasn’t a threat. The old man could barely move. I had a very hard time sleeping because of his bursts of anger, but I still had sympathy towards the man. Almost every nurse treated this guy as if he was an animal. He was spoken to with a very aggressive tone by Steve. I could tell that Steve didn’t care about his patients, because he said loud and clear during a cell phone conversation, that all he wanted was to pass his test so he could get “six figures, a Tesla, and a penthouse suite”.
I was watching Steve, while I was acting as if I was asleep, because he gradually became more irritated about my roommate. He became so frustrated with my roommate, that he basically put him upside down. Picture a 30 degree angle, with the roommates’ head at the point where you would measure the angle, and his feet upwards. He slowly wrapped the old mans blanket around the bars on the side of the bed, almost like a restraint. I couldn’t handle what I was seeing any longer and blew up. I asked Steve “what the fuck do you think you’re doing!? The old man can’t defend himself!”. I was told to mind my own business, despite the fact that he forgot to close the curtain, and this was happening a few feet away from me. I continued to yell at Steve and demanded that security was called. Guess who showed up? The asshole that took my shades! As he slowly pulled out gloves and put them on like he was going to touch me, I asked him if he was still going to kick my teeth in. The look on his face could only be described as a pause, with pure “oh shit.” Now someone in a different room was yelling and screaming. He immediately ran off. Steve was replaced by another nurse. After this incident, I never saw Steve, nor the security guard again. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...every time my roommate moved a muscle, it was either for water, or to use his bedside commode. He was as slow, and just as dangerous, as a vicious tortoise on the prowl.
When I admitted myself to the ER, I told them about my CA health insurance (Private insurance). I didn’t have my new insurance card with me, but I was told that they would call and get it figured out. Now the big question. Why was I in this hospital for 11 days? I was told that I was uninsured and put on a waiting list for the county psych ward. I argued with one of the nurses watching me one afternoon, because he said that I was “technically” uninsured. I told him that I “technically” was insured, but it was out of state. He continued to lecture me as if I was a child, and became very frustrated. I was then approached by a lady who wanted to help me sign up for Medicaid. I calmly asked her to please call my insurance company. I was later approached and told that I was insured, and that it would change many factors about my stay there. Please note, at this time, I was still denied any phone calls. I was told that this isn’t CA, and there was no such thing in Nevada as a 72 hour hold. I continued to ask for paperwork regarding my rights, but was only given verbal lectures. Also, documents stamped with the words “unable to sign” while I was in my psychosis. To top it off, they tried giving me Trazadone multiple nights for sleep, which was marked on my chart as one of my few, severe medication allergies. Might I add the IV problems!? I have the forearms of a junkie right now. Being above par in vascularity, I don’t know how they could miss my bulging veins. Two days went by with the IV being in my muscle, and getting hot shots of Benadryl and Benzos. Maybe that was their way of getting back at me, but damn that hurt. Ethanol detox? Why the fuck am I on a alcohol detox protocol?
About 4-5 more days passed by after I was told that I was insured. I didn’t really care because I was being fed benzos at my discretion. Librium, Ativan, Xanax, and Klonopin were given to me. Really? Four different benzos? I finally settled on about 3mgs of Xanax a day with about 2mg of Klonopin. I couldn’t make it any more clear that I was addicted to these drugs. It seemed as if none of these “healthcare professionals” even knew what a benzo was. I was happily sedated, and quickly befriended most of the nurses. The female nurses weren’t afraid of me anymore and it was now rare for me to have a male nurse babysitter. Finally, one of these nurses understood my frustration and took her time to call around. Within a few hours, she found a private psych ward that had a bed for me. Finally, 11 days later, at 11pm, I was told that the ambulance was here to take me to the facility. Of course, my prescription shades were on my list of belongings but nowhere to be found. I was frustrated but ready to get out of there. I was given 1mg of Xanax and hopped onto the gurney.
Things only went downhill from here. We arrived at the psych hospital, and I was actually excited to see a psychiatrist in the morning. This excitement quickly turned into worry. I was given the typical cold turkey sandwich, and given a quick debriefing about the facility. The guy admitting me looked like he hated his job and hadn’t slept in days, and told me that health care in Nevada sucked, but this was the “gold standard” as far as psychiatric care goes in this state. I was strip searched, put in a green gown, and tossed into the Adult Male Unit. I was still anxiety free and asked the Mental Health Technicians, aka, MHT’s a few questions. They immediately snapped at me. I felt as if I was a burden to them, since it was 3am and I had just arrived. I sat in one of the two chairs that were in the hallways, and was quickly told to get off of one of the chairs because they were for “techs only”. This guy then told me that I could sit on the floor or pace the hallways. I leaned against a wall nearby trying to comprehend what was going on, only to hear these two “techs” talk about their fighting skills in Judo and Boxing.
Sleep deprivation was starting to kick in. I finally passed out, then was woken up a few hours later to someone screaming at me for morning meds. I didn’t have any prescribed; I was still waiting to see the doctor, and passed out for another hour. Again, I was woken up by a very loud tech yelling at me to go to breakfast. I used the bathroom and walked out of my room, only to have the door closed behind me. In order to sleep during the day at this place, the doctors had to clear you for bed rest. I soon learned that all of the patients were locked out of their rooms for the majority of the day, so they would be forced to go to group. Quite funny how the groups consisted of everyone making beds out of the chairs, including myself. Even if I wanted to pay attention to the unlucky person leading the group, their voice was not heard due to the snoring. This place was so unsanitary that I was sure, a swipe with my hand on the ass spot of these chairs made it clean enough for my face.
One of the first things that I realized was that, at times, staff seemed to outnumber the patients. I’m 5’10” and I didn’t see a single tech that was shorter than me, weighing in at over 200-300lbs each. It seemed as if none of these “MHT’s” had any background in mental health, and were placed there to act as bodyguards to the nurses. With the vast amount of techs, nurses, and staff dispatched around the facility, nobody seemed to be able to answer a single question that I had. My next move was to find a patient that was somewhat normal. Almost every patient was having a conversation with themselves, aggressive, or so paranoid that they would hide wherever possible. I’m not trying to sound better than any of these patients, but it was very clear that I was one of the few people in there that didn’t have SEVERE psychiatric problems. I still couldn’t grasp the fact that I was seeking drug rehabilitation, and ended up in a place like this, almost two weeks later. I met a semi-normal guy like me and he told me to follow the crowd and I’ll be fine. It seemed to work. After I managed to grow a pair and talk to some of the “lost” patients, I didn’t realize that I was surrounded by professional athletes, rock superstars, and undercover CIA agents. These people seemed very under-medicated, or at least on the wrong medication. This was the definition of a loony bin. Nothing like I had seen in California.
Finally, it was my turn to meet the psychiatrist I was so anxious to see. I walked into a room with him, and about 5 other staff members. He introduced himself, and asked why I was there. This was definitely not the place for me to work on my anxiety and drug issues, so my story quickly changed to going to Vegas like anyone else and partying too hard. I had my mind set that my hold was over, because the staff at the hospital assured me that I would be in and out in a day. They were wrong. Just like in CA, my hold didn’t start until that moment of meeting with him. He noticed on my chart, the large amount of benzos administered to me in the hospital, and told me that he was going to observe me for a few days and put me on a benzo detox. Once again, I accepted my fate. At least I was going to get a proper taper...or so I thought.
The psychiatrist cleared me for bed rest, after I told him that I really hadn’t slept much due to my roommate in the hospital. Our conversation only lasted about 5 minutes, without any questions about my history of drug use, let alone anything about me. I didn’t really care at the moment. I just wanted out. I slept the rest of the day, and was woken up to cold sweats and the typical benzo withdrawal symptoms later that night. After bugging the staff for about a half hour, I was finally directed to my assigned nurse. He told me that I wasn’t on a benzo taper. I didn’t argue much, and walked away for a short period of time. After walking by him again, I was flagged down and told that I indeed was on a benzo taper, which would consist of 2mg of Ativan every 4 hours, along with vitals being checked, for 24 hours. Most of us would think that after 24 hours, they would taper me down to 1mg, correct?
This facility seemed as if the patients had most of the control. During my 5 days there, there were 3 fist fights between patients, several wrestling matches of tech vs. psycho, and nonstop chaos. If someone wasn’t screaming in agony all night long, someone was screaming at the staff. Urine was thrown at staff on multiple occasions. Threats of suicide or killing someone, unaddressed. I couldn’t believe what was happening by the minute. It had been about a week now of me being in my zen-like state, but I slowly felt myself going crazy. To get anyone’s attention, I had to be a persistent asshole. They seemed to ignore me most of the time since I wasn’t really a problem. This whole scenario reminded me of an episode of Locked Up, with schizophrenics instead of killers. I don’t understand why some of these patients weren’t sedated and isolated. Staff threatened to give someone a “shot” on many occasions, but seemed to resort to wrestling instead.
About that taper...24 hours went by comfortably, but then I was soon hit with the news that I would only be given a dose of Ativan if I scored high enough on their charts. So basically, I had to cause a scene to get anything, which I wasn’t about to do. I refused to leave my room the following day due to real paranoia and sickness from withdrawals. The only nurse who seemed to have a heart in this place came to my room a few times, and gave me some Ativan because he knew how much I was hurting. This guy also stated that he used to have a problem with Xanax, so he must have felt my pain. The only other time that I was given Ativan after a cold turkey, was when my blood pressure would spike up to 170 over 100. Why the hell would he even put me on Ativan for 24 hours when he could have just made me suffer when I got there?
This is probably my longest post to date, but this experience has really made me lose faith in our health care system. I have too many questions, and probably forgot to type a lot of key details. January 6th until the 22nd...this month has been so fucked up. I feel as if I’ve been brainwashed as far as my rights go. They have made it loud and clear why I was put on this L2K, but I don’t necessarily agree with it. I still have a huge bruise on one forearm from the IV put in my muscle. On the other forearm, one vein has a row of about 10 bumps. All the veins in my forearms feel hard and abnormal, unlike before. It’s freaking me out. Most of my other questions are stated in my story. The most positive thing about this experience was the food. God damn that food was delicious.
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self.Anxiety
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Im actually really sensitive but im able to hold it in Even the smallest things could destroy me for hours. I just cant be with anyone in this world. I get hurt easily and distance myself from the person without telling them why. I just cant. This feeling is so painful, I'd rather die.
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self.depression
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Any advice on regaining interest in hobbies with depression? Lately, I've been in another slump with my depression. Generally drawing is the one thing that brings me gratification but whenever I hit these lows I feel nothing when I'm drawing but frustration. I'm tired of wasting paper with half finished sketches and ideas. Does anyone know of some sort of exercise that helps get you out back into your hobbies?
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self.depression
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Lets Talk about Wellbutrin For those of you who have tried this medication, how did it work out for you?
* Is it like a typical antidepressant where the full effects are felt after six weeks or are the effects fairly immediate?
* Is anyone taking it as their sole medication or is it always taken in conjunction with a mood stabilizer?
* What side effects, if any did you notice and at what dose?
I have a med review coming up soon and want to be as informed as possible and I find anecdotal accounts extremely useful.
I have been on a low dose for the last three months in an attempt to recover from a two year bought of depression that has left me virtually bed bound.
I think it might have helped a little; I now feel frustrated at my lack of functioning rather than crushed by it. The fatigue I feel however is still completely overwhelming.
I am also on a low dose of lithium but am questioning if this is benefiting me at all or simply making me more tired.
Any thoughts on Wellbutrin gratefully received.
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self.bipolar
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I asked someone out TL;DR: I finally asked a girl out, she said yes, we hung out all night till next morning, and I'm seeing her again hopefully soon. This is what feeling on top of the world must be like.
I'm a young shy guy & still living with my strict parents.
I've always been reserved and shy even after being told I'm not unattractive or boring.
Every time I feel a girl is flirting with me I either brush it off or can't muster up the courage to ask them out for a date or drinks or anything actually. Even after they specifically tell me "call me".
That changed this weekend. I had a customer who was new to the area come in and after a a few hours together I felt like she was a friend more than she was a client. After I closed the deal on the business end I simply asked "do you have plans tonight?" She said no, then I asked "would like to grab a drink with me?" and she said YES!
I literally had to yell at myself in my head to ask those 2 simple questions. Boy am I glad I did.
After almost flaking a couple times I picked her up, we went to a nice bar I picked out, talked, joked and shared stories for the next 6 hours and we ended up at her place. We spent the night together and she even gave me a ride back home in the morning because I didn't drive there!
I can't wait to hang out with her again.
I'm most proud of myself for having the courage to ask in the first place. I'm going to chase this feeling from now on.
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self.offmychest
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Thoughts on Aripiprazole (Abilify)? I've recently been diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder. It's not the biggest surprise as my dad has it and it runs strong throughout our family. I had to go to a behavioral institute and be examined for 5 days, afterwards they prescribed abilify. I've never taken pills in my life, so I'm a little weary.
Just wondering if anyone has tried it? I understand it's different for everybody (it is chemistry after all) but did it make your symptoms better? Were there any side effects?
Thanks all!
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self.bipolar
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It's not that I can't find someone who might love me... ...it's just when this absolutely perfect person randomly appears in your life, starts showing some affection, but you are such a failure that you ruin it like you always do and all the potential that was there at the beginning is gone, but you try to hold on to this person even though there wasn't a real connection between you in the first place, but this just makes her even more distanced, which makes you more depressed, which makes her more distanced and you're just like AHHHHHHH STOP!
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self.depression
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I just I feel everything I do is either wrong or a failure... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Mental breakdown in class. Lately I had to deal with more than I'd usually do, and my patience has reached it's limit.
I can't sit in class anymore, because it's silent and I have to hear myself thinking.
Our teacher just randomly asked everyone what they planned to do after graduation. My classmates said stuff like "Maybe an internship, or a study" or "I'm going to do an apprenticeship".
I started having a panic attack which I tried to surpress. I don't see myself in my future. When my teacher asked me, I just answered "I want to live."
Then I snapped, started crying and ran out of the room.
I came back ~10 minutes later to grab my stuff and go home, I also had to make sure that my teacher noted me as absent in the class register.
When I came in, everyone became silent. They stared at me. They didn't know that I would actually show an emotion as some point. They have always known me as that strange guy who sometimes just stares into nothingness, or as the guy who's always extremely cheerful. They kept staring. No one said anything.
Now I'm at home, in front of my PC. My head feels like it's going to burst, my stomach feels like someone kicked me several times. My legs feel numb. I can feel my pulse in my entire arms. I feel like shit.
I can't do this anymore.
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self.depression
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I think things might be looking better for me I just told my girlfriend that we’re taking a four-day break (and the reason it’s only 4 days is because i’m off from school for 4 days and it’s my first ever break with her so i wanna go small), and i’m going to see my first ever professional therapist on Saturday! I went to see my school therapist in the past, but, she seemed more to pressure me than actually help with my issues. I’m hoping the appointment goes well for me, because I’ve heard about other people’s experiences with therapists and they don’t go very well. So, as nervous as I am about it, I’m (somewhat) determined it’ll be good. Wish me luck though, guys!
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self.depression
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My Mom won't let me Live my Life I'm 20 years old and have been living on my own since I was 17. Growing up in my family's house was exhausting for me. I felt like I needed to raise myself and my siblings, since my dad was always away (he's a pilot) and my mom just was all over the place.
Last year I was living on my own in another city, and when my mom decided she didn't like my roommate, I was forced to move back with them because I had nowhere else to live. Also in that time, my boyfriend and I were forced to break up because my mom stole my iPad and read all of my messages and texts, and, after discovering I spent nights at his place sometimes, was very angry. So now I'm back living with them, with a curfew. I started dating someone else, and my parents loved him... so I felt like I was doing something right for once. But he wasn't good to me. Eventually that ended too, and now I am currently in a good relationship that I am very happy in. My mom just hates him and makes me feel guilty every day for dating him through little remarks and by avoiding me and treating me differently. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't like seeing me happy. I've tried confronting her about how I feel controlled, but that upsets her and causes her to lock herself away for at least a day. I feel hurt and emotionally damaged every day because I don't feel loved or supported, and instead completely controlled. Whenever I'm out I am constantly afraid of what I'll tell her when I get home about where I was and what I was doing, since I know she'll ask a ton of questions. Even if I'm doing something completely normal, like getting coffee with a friend, I know she will have some problem with it. I want to move out, but I know it won't fix anything. I just want to live my life without worrying about how she'll treat me for every little thing I do. I want to love my boyfriend without being ashamed. I want to get to know people without my mom wanting to know their address and phone number. I feel like a failure of a person even though I know I haven't done anything wrong. I'm unsure of what to do, whether to do what's best for her or to do what's best for me. There isn't any way to win it seems. If i move out and try to cut myself off, my mom will just say I'm ungrateful for everything good they've done for me over the years. If I tiptoe around my mom's feelings for her sake, nothing will ever change and I'll feel trapped like this forever.
I'm sorry if this is petty. I just don't know what to feel anymore.
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self.offmychest
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This is fun. I love waking up at 3AM for no apparent reason and suddenly getting engulfed in stress and anxiety.
No point in trying to get back to sleep now! :D
I hate this life.
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self.Anxiety
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My abusive friend made me uncomfortable in the restroom and I don’t know what to do. Don’t know where to turn. TL;DR on the bottom of post
(We are high schoolers, to be clear.)
My friend gave me a Hi-Chew pack for Christmas. My abusive friend LOVES Hi-Chews, so I gave her one, and turns out she had 6 Hi-Chews in her mouth (the other 5 were from her house, not me) and I needed to go to the band room to grab my bass clarinet. She gets a sugar buzz, so I guess that could have been the cause of her insanity. She followed me, no big deal, and then when I go into the band locker room, she closes the door and says, “Lets play hide and seek in a dark room.” so I say, “There’s not enough space, so let’s not.” Then she goes, “Ok, close your eyes and count to 20.” Me, in complete confusion, text my friend Jackson (name changed) to come and help save me. Jackson knows my friend is insane and crazy, so he says, “I got you, I’m coming.” So the girl and I play 3 rounds of Hide and Seek and I walk out of the band room, and I see Jackson and two of his friends outside the band locker room. They didn’t bother doing anything, they were just laughing at me. It didn’t bother me too much, so I just went. The girl follows me, grabs my wrist, and pushes me into the girl’s restroom (I’m a female). For 45 minutes, she’s talking about how big my breasts are, making slurping noises right next to my face, and just overall making me uncomfortable. She then grabs my phone and refuses to give it back until 15 minutes later and says she flushed it down the toilet. I know she wouldn’t do it, but she’s so freaking insane that I wasn’t sure if I shouldn’t have believed her (I later got my phone back). A week after that happened, I went to the counselor and as I told him about what has happened, he told me that the situation has gotten worse and that I needed to bring the girl’s attention on how she’s abusing me. The counselor recommended that I bring her to his office so that we can talk about it. I said that I’ll bring the girl into his office, but I’m reluctant about this solution because the girl might act differently around the counselor or start making up lies. Until then, I can’t do anything until I see my friend two weeks later (due to winter break).
What can I do or say to my friend after what happened?
TL;DR- My abusive “friend” locked me in a band room and made me uncomfortable in the girl’s bathroom, went to the counselor and I’m going to be talking to my “friend” about the problems.
Sorry for the length of the post.
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self.offmychest
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I feel so empty Nothing brings me joy anymore, nothing makes me sad. I´m just a machine without any emotions. It has been like that for many years, basically my whole life, but it never was a real issue for me. I even enjoyed being the one, that was never sad or moody. People even complimented me for that, which was something that was completely new for me after enduring years of bullying in school.
But for the last half year, I was doing worse and worse. I lost interest in everything, even my biggest hobbies, like video games or computers. Everything I do, I only do to kill time, there is nothing that i enjoy doing.
I also lost the drive to do things for school, or anything else for that matter. I´m still doing fine, never really did much for school anyways, but now I do nothing, I just can´t bring myself to care enough to do something.
I just can´t grasp what happened. I don´t even have a reason to feal down, nothing bad happened in my life. I know depression doesn´t discriminate but I still feel like an ass, because i´m complaining even though I really don´t have a reason to. Honestly if anything I should be happy, i´m doing well in school, I will start to study computer science in a few months, I have friends, that definetly would support me, even though i´m way to afraid to approach them about my struggle, and a family that would do the same. And still, i´m not able to be happy.
I feel like I don´t live, I just exist, and i stop seeing the point in doing so. I don´t plan to comit suicide, at least not seriously, but I suspect, that if things stay the way they are, I will probably do it someday.
I don´t really want to ask something, just vent and maybe get some responses or some conversations going.
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self.depression
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I never know where to start, or even what to ask on here....there are so many ways that anxiety, depression, etc etc etc torture me, and I seem to lack the language or ability to talk about "it" in a way that makes me feel like I've captured "it" e.g- every day I wake up and a handful of terrible fears and regrets that I can't just "let go" (considering some of them are tattoos I regret and can't afford to get more removal done on because I've already paid over $10,000 for removal and don't have the time or money because I'm clawing my way out of debt so I can realize other dreams...), and the feeling of those regrets and anxieties is so ancient for me, so fundamentally part of who I've always been and who I've become, that it really feels hopeless at times.
Actually, "hopeless" feels a bit toothless when it comes to describing the sense of doom and brokenness that overwhelms me on a regular basis. What I feel is something closer to suddenly being the victim in a horror movie in which I was fed a powerful hallucinogen which kicked in at the exact same time as everyone I know and loved turned on me and revealed how much they despise me and told me what a joke they all think I am...well, maybe that's a bit dramatic, but it's somewhere between the two, and it definitely involves a distinct feeling of being so terribly broken and malfunctioning, so embarrassing, so dim witted and useless, and so chaotic and unreliable that I will either end up dead or in jail.
I just feel broken.
Interactions with other people are hopelessly fraught with awkwardness and fumbled sentences, avoidant eye contact at a critical moment, or too much eye contact. Social situations are also overshadowed by this through-line of disappointment at the difference between who I think I should be, or who I really, really want to be (cool a.f Jason Statham type guy with just the right amount of detached and hilarious punk rock comedian who can mingle with intelligentsia with ease) and who I am (hopelessly afraid and awkward guy who is too eager too impress and too stunted to have a normal track record of human relationships (vague complaint, I know, there is no "normal", but I really feel stunted when it comes to connecting with people, both friends and loved ones).
If my mind would shut up for a little while I'd be able to bask in what is actually a pretty good life, because most of what tortures me is in my head....
Well, I now feel ashamed that other people will see this (even though I've shot my deepest darkest out in to the internet on various forums countless times) and have run out of things to say, so I will abruptly end here!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Depression hit hard this weekend, so I wrote this. First time posting here. Been dealing with this shit almost all by myself for as long as I can remember. I don't know why, but I decided to write down what I have been feeling. It ended up being longer than I thought, the structure is shit, my wording is bad, and overall it's just a mess, but I'm just tired of dealing with it alone. So here I am.
My Depression
When I wake up
And I don't really know what for
It's hard to get up
Get dressed and get my self up out the door
I can't shake off
This feeling no one cares at all
And nothin' matters
But I still ain't gonna drop the ball
I'll shoot till I score
Even though it don't really matter no more
I've already lost
But regardless of cost
I just want someone to care
This is my depression
The one I'll never mention
Pretendin' my life is a blessin'
But I'm fillin' up with tension
And I've got nobody listening
Nobody even missing me
They're dissin' me
Makin' me feel like I'm a damn disease
I don't know...
My life's not bad
There's those that have it worse
Abused or hungry
Even living feels like a curse
There's not a line
Not a standard for depression
Some have it, some don't
And it's all about perception
So it's ok
I know you aren't going to understand
It's ok
Just don't try to pretend that you can
Fix me
Change me
Cure me
Or whatever
You can't
And you won't
And it's probably for the better
Every time I want to talk about my feelings
Or say I want to cry
I tell myself to MAN UP
Because no one likes that kind of guy
They'll say it's ok
And they'll say that they don't mind
But when they realize the truth
They won't be so kind
It's not just a phase
and it's not going away
This is who I am
Why won't anyone stay?
So this is my depression
My weight to shoulder
And I feel it every day
And every day I get colder
When you ask
I'll smile and say everything's alright
But on the inside
I'm still fighting the same fight
I want someone to care
But I can't open up
Because if I do
After a while, you'll say "Enough!"
And you'll leave
Slow fade, like everybody else
So I shut up
Afraid that I'll be taken off the shelf
It's an endless loop of pain
And I just want to die
But I won't
I'm not that kind of guy
That would cause more pain
A lot of "What could I have done?"
A lot of blaming
And then, all of a sudden, they would come
"We cared so much!"
"He seemed so happy!"
"How could this have happened?"
Where were you all those times I felt abandoned?
This is my depression
This constant state of despair
My imperfection
And I'm always going nowhere
I just want a connection
Someone to show me that they care
But I'm left with questions
When they vanish into thin air
And all I want
Is somebody that cares
But my depression
How is this even fair?
My depression
Nothing can compare
To my depression...
But do you even care?
|
self.depression
|
I meant every word of a text I just sent and it made me realize how depressed I actually am. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Friend being cyberbullied and won't do anything anymore My friend who i won't name recently got bullied on discord alot and doesnt even do anything anymore, any tips? also the guy who was bullying her the most was Pipo#7516
|
self.depression
|
I am rarely happy anymore - life just seems like one big chore. It seems life is just a series of events that go wrong and you spend your entire time fixing it, picking up the pieces of life and putting them back together....only to have new problems arise....if not the same ones....it is a never ending cycle and I don't know how people find the strength to live to 60 or 70.
e.g. Car breaks down; losing a job and going through the soul crushing routine to find a new one - only to find you are too old, under qualified, or you didn't know the right person; the older you get the smaller your circle of people you can trust/know/love thins out and you inevitably alone. OR me right now:
"My car is starting to break down and it is a junker not worth fixing, it was involved in a hit and run no note.....so I realize I might have to get a used one....realize I have to make car payments there goes my "buffer" of a safety net and possibly need a higher insurance for full coverage...a new expense.....come to realization "If I could just make more money my life would be better....try to find a new job........well....F*CK!!!!!!!!!! they want me to have 10 years of experience....how do i get experience if no one takes a f*cking chance on me"....get an interview....hope for the best.....never get a call back.....continue going to my job now where I can barely make ends meet......even after slashing my expenses to try to get a savings account going....lease on rent is about up.....and it is going up another $20......where I get nothing out of it!!! I have asked numerous of times for new flooring in the kitchen and bathroom - does the landlord do anything about it nope.....so I try to save up for a down payment on a house......and bullsh*t expenses keep coming up draining my savings account.
In the words of Mr. Meeseeks "I just want to die!!!!"
I rarely find happiness in anything, life just seems mundane, pointless and short. I have become very narcissistic lately.
I see no reason to work other then to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach - other than that I don't see much of a point to life. Why try to gain all these possessions (car, tv, computer, phone...etc.) When you can't take them with you once you are dead.
My life literally seems like the following:
(("Get up, Work, Home, Tv, Bed.....repeat" + "Buy Stuff") x roughly 60 years or so) + inevitable death = my sum of existence.
I am 30 years old and I feel like half of my life is over. I am not suicidal by any means but sometimes I think "If a meteor from the sky struck me down and killed me....I'd be okay with it"
(Side note: I may be feeling extra depressed because of my "sunday blues" the feeling doesn't set in until about 6PM - I had today off.....so tomorrow is my "monday" - and even though work isn't that bad.....I still haaaaate going!!!!)
|
self.depression
|
getting bad again i was feeling not so bad for a few weeks, but it’s sliding downhill again. Idk suicide just makes sense at this point. I fucked up my life and I’m tired of fighting, shit would take too long to fix and by then I would have no chance of getting into the career I want, so what’s the point. I’m done bye fuck this
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My mind went blank and i stole stuff from work The company i work for is in a moving process so many departements are left vacant or just stuff that isnt picked up yet to the new location. Wich typically means fridges with plenty of old food in it and beer, and i had to work christmas and i allready went through a difficult time and i am still doing it. I just got some bright idea that all the beer around the building werent going to be missed so i took some of it (4 cans all in different departments...) thinking that it wouldnt be missed since they have allready left... And i felt somekind of «fuck you mentality» too them since they were the ones that put me on this shift and never give anything in return... i drank the beers when i got home and dissolved further into my missery till my mom had to throw me into the ER a few days later. Now on sick leave and just got home, i have felt a big regret for stealing the beer... Fuck... I cannot grasp why i even had the thought of doing this and i dont know what to do if they find out!!! Its just some cheap beer i could easily buy for 10 bucks and now my job can be on the line because of this... idk what to do!!! I feel so ashamed!!! It`s not the first time doing something really stupid while depressed but this is just a small inane stupid thing i did wich can have big consequences for my stupid shitty life.. i cant bear it and its making it all worse!!!
(Im Scandinavian..)
|
self.depression
|
Realised something awesome today Warning: somewhat disgusting level of positivity to follow!
I realised today, just how much better this summer had been for me than the last one. I normally get pretty serious mixed episodes this time of year. This Summer, I'm feeling really great. I stopped self-harming several months ago, I haven't had any ideation in ages, and my self-esteem has improved at ton.
It's so awesome, I haven't felt this human in years, and compared to last year my meds are working awesomely. We changed my mood-stabiliser, and whilst I'm not perfect, I haven't had a real episode in forever :)
My parents are really happy with me; my mood stabilisers combined with my ADHD meds have made me more functional, and my mum said the other day that I'm now "a pleasure to live with". That's amazing, because I've been useless for a long time.
I'm back at university in a month, and for the first time in years I'm super excited for it. I'm confident that my mood will be decent for the semester, and I'm able to focus now enough that I think I can get back to having a good GPA.
Apologies for the silliness, I'm just really pleased with it.
|
self.bipolar
|
I use to have goals but now i just dont care anymore,I am not afraid of consequences no matter how destructive they can be for me [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Severe depression I swear I feel like there is hardly anyone that has depression as bad as me. I literally have done nothing almost every day sitting on my couch just sitting and staring for the past 7-9 months cause of my depression. Please if u have had depression this bad please send me a message.
|
self.depression
|
Help getting over a somewhat fear over the number 13 (Really Quick) I know that the number isn’t bad but for some reason when I (Think) I did something particular.... 13 times I get anxiety for no reason and it’s irritating me. Do y’all agree that it’s just a number? And please tell me positive things to get rid of it
|
self.Anxiety
|
Ain't no rest for the wicked... (Money don't grow on trees... I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed...)
I'm having one of those nights. You guys know what I'm talking about. Brain on overdrive, questioning everything about my past, present, and future. Mostly how I need to get a job, but just don't feel ready right now. Can my family just understand that?
I've had a lot of ideas lately, but no energy to act on them. I'm out of Klonopin, and my anxiety is through the roof. I AM dealing with more shit than I've ever dealt with in my life... but it still feels irrational. I'm thinking positive! Don't happy thoughts lead to happiness? That's how it works, right?
"Normal" people have told me thoughts are what lead to feelings, but for me... it seems feelings are what lead to thoughts. I can TRY and think positive, think of a million possibilities... but all I end up realizing is the mess my life has become.
How do I fix it? I don't even know where to start.
|
self.bipolar
|
How early is too soon and how late is too in terms of taking medications Apologize for the awkwardly phrased title. What I want to know is if I want to take my meds earlier than the usual time because I can't take it at the same time, how early would be too early? Same for taking it late, how late would be considered too late?
|
self.bipolar
|
When does sucide not become selfish? Posted 3months ago, 6months, 10months etc and I still feel the exact same. Nothing interests me except lying in bed listening to music. Ive tried things, I've gone to therapy been on ssri but no real difference. I've got a job worked 50hours some week for money I dont want and to allow me to live a life I don't want to. I dropped out of college a few months ago as I just couldn't get myself to study, I didn't see myself around in 3 years(length of course). I have many other issues that contribute to my depression but this whole mentallty is there regardless
|
self.depression
|
I tried to make a friend And got a string of abusive messages in response. Why do I even bother? :(
|
self.depression
|
Telling my pdoc about the sounds in my head today. Wish me luck. I'm terrified.
|
self.bipolar
|
School is ending and I hate the college admissions process and I am really really really sad... Fortunately, I had quite a good high school experience, at least in junior and (not finished) senior year. I am not going to lie I had an amazing experience. I was famous and everyone was at least sort of interested in me.It kept getting better and better as time went on.
I got to know almost everyone in my batch, I took part in various co-curricular activities, won scholarships to go to GERMANY and AUSTRALIA and although I was too emotionally unstable to ever take part in romance I am about to dance with the girl I have always had a crush on (unfortunately I stopped crushing on her once she said yes, dancing is still fun)
And now, everything has come to a screeching halt. Exams are taking place every week. There are so many exams! The classrooms are getting lonelier and darker and emptier as people stay at home and study. I can barely meet my closest friends anymore. People seem more mellow and robotic.
And there is the horrible college admissions process which keeps making me feel so so so terrible. I don't want to sell myself to these places and write these terrible long braggy essays. It is all so fake and scary. I have to do so many stupid annoying things and I no longer have time to do the things I want.
It has all hit me so suddenly and I feel so lost, scared and confused.
All my parents have to say is "You have realized all of this now?"
|
self.offmychest
|
*trigger warning* I'm terrified that hurting myself will become a habit [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I've been secretly depressed for the past ~3 years. Please give me advice reddit people.. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
How to deal with close friend moving on from you and other toxic people in your life? Hey guys,
Thanks in advance for your advice/opinion.
So following the title, I once had a close friend (let’s give her a fake name, Sarah) that worked with me. I would give her advice for all her problems and vice versa. We would party together and hang out all the time. However, I left my old job and got a much better one. Since then she stopped talking to me as much and we’d occasionally talk. I understood that people move on and especially since I don’t talk to them anymore. But I’m just struggling to come to terms with it because I thought if I made an effort to chat to her and see her all the time then we’d be okay. But whenever I’d bring up how it would be great if we hung out and did stuff she’d say yes but then I’d see on her snaps that she had gone out with her other friend.
I’ve been struggling on holding on friends ever since my depression/anxiety took over. It’s been about 7 years and I’ve gradually lost friends. At this current time I’ve only got Sarah (and when we use to work together I thought she was my closest one), and one other friend (and let’s call this friend Elena) I chat to regularly.
And I feel like the Elena has been quite toxic to me as she has been speaking to me in a pretty accusatory manner when I don’t follow her advice as I felt the advice was counterproductive. Essentially my bf and I had some troubles with our relationship because since the start of our relationship (we’ve been together for 10 months) I would ask him to text me as I felt like the attention would ease up on my anxiety (this feeling was driven by the fact that I was worried he would cheat on me even though I know realistically he wouldn’t but my depression he been dictating those beliefs). However he still wouldn’t text me months in because he said that it was just who he was, he didn’t text people in general. I mean he doesn’t even message friends/family. But I couldn’t accept it and kept trying to get to to change for me. So I spoke to my friend Elena about it wanting to know what she thought. She was really unhappy with his behaviour and said that it’s not worth my time but she said ultimately it’s up to me and advised me to have a weigh of the pros and cons of my relationship. So I did have a think about it, actually I had a bit of an enlightenment because of r/relationship_advice, someone was in a similar situation as me and I realised I didn’t want to force someone I started dating because of who he was to change because I was insecure. I felt my relationship was being to driven my depression and not who I actually was. My boyfriend is always available for me when I need him but just that he can’t message me whenever I wanted - I couldn’t crucify him for that as he’s been wonderful to me for everything else.
I then spoke to Elena about my conclusion but she instantly said that I’m just going to break up with him eventually and that we wouldn’t last. I defended myself and changed her mind eventually but I felt like my self esteem had been smashed because she had no faith in my judgement and that felt crap.
I was wondering what you guys thought?
How should I change my perception about Sarah moving on so I’m not so bitter about it?
Also how should I deal with Elena, from this experience I feel she’s just a bit too toxic to handle?
I am so afraid of confronting her as my self esteem feels like crap already but if I stop talking to her I truely don’t have anymore friends.
Thanks for reading everyone and once again thanks in advance for responding.
|
self.depression
|
(18F) I really want sex but I'm tired of dating After I broke up with my bf I've been thinking about sex constantly and I'd really want to find a someone to have sex with. Thing is I'm not really confident enough for one night stands and I'd like to have something more long lasting anyway.
Thing is, it's so tiring to look for a suitable man, I was let down as well after finding one. I already planned to meet up with him and everything was great but then he ghosted me.
I also live in a small town so it's hard to look for people locally, and I want to know the person at least somehow before traveling to meet him. This post had no point, I'm just feeling kinda hopeless atm. Perhaps some advice on one night stands / having casual sex would be nice. I'm kinda shy with new people and it's hard for me to do chitchat so I'm afraid of meeting random ppl.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel doubts about my relationship when I'm depressed? [removed]
|
self.depression
|
Woke up to my brother touching my boob I’m panicking a little because of this incident and I need to get it off my chest.
Yesterday I went to bed early because I had work this morning. After a few hours of sleep I woke up to a light squeezing feeling on one of my boobs. I move a little and look up and I see my little brother standing over my bed and then quickly leaving the room as he noticed that I was waking up.
I’m having a lot of anxiety now because I hate the fact that he did this. We’ve always been very close and the last thing I want is to destroy our relationship, but I still want him to learn what’s right and wrong and that he needs to respect me and other women. I can’t decide on how to react to this, should I say something to him?
EDIT: I texted him this morning and asked what he was doing in my room last night and he came up with some lame excuse about him just getting his phone charger (which he and I both know isn’t true)
|
self.offmychest
|
I don't know what to do I can say i'm blessed, I'm 20 with no bills, free college tuition until i'm 25, and a full time 5 x 8 full benefit job. But I can't handle the pressure. I want to work but with a full time job I don't have the time to attend classes and waste the free tuition, I hate the job because I work taking phone calls everyday being yelled by customers but the pay is good. My parents only keep me around so I can attend college but if I don't I'm out. I just want to quit, and attend college full time and have a social life because i still have so many hours to complete to be even close to getting a degree. My depression just gets to me because i'm unhappy and stressed with no social life whats so ever and I want it back. My parents want me to work both full-time and attend college full time but i just can't. I really don't know what i should do, should i leave my job and accept my parents being disappointed over giving up such a good paying job just to achieve my dreams, or give up my social life and college dreams just for a Full benefit job and work throughout my 20's.
|
self.depression
|
Does anybody here have a hard time getting ideas across to others? I have moments when I can barely think at all and then I have others where my thoughts are racing. In these moments I have deep, life changing thoughts every minute and I always feel compelled to share them. I’m not sure if it’s nervousness or what it could possibly be, but when I do share my thoughts to others it doesn’t come out very coherent and I hear myself and I’m like wow that sounded stupid. It flows so smoothly in my mind when I think about it. Almost like an external source has given me the information, like I heard it through a pair of earbuds. Then when I share it with others it’s just not the same at all. I’m at a point where I just want to say fuck it and ramble like a madman and maybe I will get one or two thoughts across that make sense eventually.
|
self.bipolar
|
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