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I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop I want this to stop
fuck
Edit:
Cheers for the support, guys. Was having a bad time that night. I'm just glad I tipped my beer down the sink. Who knows what could have happened.
Stay strong, amazing people.
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self.depression
|
See somebody you don't know and want to talk to them? Walk over and say hello within 5-10 seconds. I read this somewhere as a good way of dealing with or getting used to feeling anxious when trying to meet new people or in social situations. Doing this doesn't give your brain long enough to start: planning what you're going to say / worry about being judged / conjure up 100 ways in which the encounter could go wrong. Also, from personal experience I have found that doing this somehow makes you feel more confident and as such probably appear more confident too.
Quick anecdote: I wish I had done this earlier on this year when I saw a girl I really wanted to say hello to at the train station near to my house. I'd seen her once before maybe late 2016/early 2017. I had just got on the tube and turned around to see this girl standing on the platform smiling at me. I was instantly attracted to her but my negative mind thought maybe she was laughing at me for some reason. I changed train as as I waited on the platform she walked past me and looked at me the same way. In my mind I couldn't decide whether or not she was attracted to me and trying to get my attention, Just a nice friendly smiley girl or having a laugh (this sounds so stupid to me writing it now lol). Fast forward to probably 3/4 months ago and I saw her again and this time I really felt like she actually just wanted me to say something to her... Lots of eye contact and as we got off the train and left the station she was maybe 5 metres ahead of me and once she was through the oyster gates she stopped and looked at a sign until I came through and started walking again (then next to me). I wanted to say something so badly and genuinely still feel so pissed at myself for not and I haven't seen her since... FUCK SAKE :(.
|
self.Anxiety
|
TEARS so i shared my problem to one of my close friend i shared how difficult it was what i'm feeling, i said it but i did not cry in front of her because i already feel numb, do i need to cry, for her to sympathize more?
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self.depression
|
Bad anxiety attacks when I'm in a confrontation? Obviously confrontation is a stressful time for most people however it really kicks my anxiety up to a new level. I start to badly shake and it has all the same symptoms for me as if I'm about to have a panic attack.
Regardless of the confrontation - whether it's in person or on the Internet - I'm the same way.
Usually I do my best to avoid such situations however sometimes you can't. Earlier today I had a minor argument with my mother and my anxiety was through the roof, it also means I tend to cave in and I don't stand up for anything.
Advice is appreciated! Thank you all.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety about anxiety One of my biggest issues that I have is that I am not formally diagnosed with anxiety, and so this leads to doubt in my mind that I even have it, or if I am making it all up in my head. I read this sub almost every day and see all of these relatable things and just tell myself, I'm not exactly like that, I am lying to myself, and then I sit here and have a panic attack over that because I dont even know what I am. I have panic attacks in school often causing me to miss out on material while I go to the bathroom to recover, I spend many hours at home just worrying about everything that goes on, and end up staying up until 2am in the morning.
Does being diagnosed help with this (making me feel more confident in my own anxiety)? I just started therapy again (when i was in 7th and 8th grade they wanted me to see a psychiatrist but I pleaded and pleaded and avoided that because i was so scared of being different at the time), but my issue is that on the surface I am doing really well, I have good grades, I do a lot of clubs, I play a sport, so my psychologist hardly recognizes what is going on at school and all and the fact that I am suffering.
In addition, I'm so scared about asking for a more formal diagnosis because in this day and age people might just think that I want drugs because on the surface i *act* fine, and have for a while, and just recently I have started showing my parents signs of all this stuff going on again. How do I ask for that?
Please tell me if this is all stupid and I should just shut up too
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why do I always mess things up for myself? [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Am I a loser? Late twenties and I still live with my mother.
|
self.depression
|
I feel out of place and really depressed lately. Hey everyone,
This is my first time ever telling anyone. I haven't told a friend, family member, teacher or anything before because I just can't. I've been told recently by my family and friends after I let out a sentence stating a feeling of helplessness to see a psychiatrist and I just can't do that. They want me to talk to the psychiatrist I'm seeing about adhd about this as well and I don't think I can physically do that.
One of the main reasons I've felt depressed is that I've felt out of place my entire life. I'm Northern African but I grew up in an almost entirely Asian neighborhood in the silicon valley. I also currently attend a University that is more than 50% asian (which I didn't know about when I committed to the college). It was always weird to me because I always felt out of place no matter where I went or what I did, seeing as I was northern African and everything I heard was about Asians. I was even called by a lot of my friends "More Asian than them" which kinda attributes to my parents living in japan for many years before I was born. It's always made me uncomfortable because I would always reply how I'm Northern African and all that.
Even back home, all my friends are either chinese or Taiwanese and I sometimes feel like the only reason I'm friends with a lot of them is because in there words, "I act Asian". It always makes me uncomfortable especially because I have a pride for my culture and I never get acknowledged as it. It always comes down to the same thing that I know many other people go through with, in the comftorable in my own skin. Sometimes my brain just has the thought "what if I was Asian. My life would be so much better" or " It's all cuz I'm African". And when I have those thoughts I just hate myself even more.
Another issue that has always come up has been my weight. I became overweight in High school due to never going outside and always staying inside and playing League of Legends. I went to an extremely competitive high school being ranked top 10 in the nation for SAT/ACT scores and it was very uncommon for people to go outside during freshman-junior year. Most my friends just stayed home and studied but I was always a terrible student. In middle school I got straight D's, I was one of the few of my year not to make honor roll because of my terrible grades and I just never felt like doing it. It never helped due to my older sister being extremely smart and applying herself. I've always had the thing where I was really good at numbers and science and was above average at retention of it so I never needed to study for tests, but I never did my homework or projects or anything, which always tanked my grade putting me at the bottom 10% of my school with 3 gpa only netting me average Universities whereas my sister, who's always been good at studying applying herself was a very good student getting into top 10 engineering universities and actually getting to choose a good university she wanted to go to. My parent's always complained that I never applied myself and I should work harder and it never helped that they would compare me to my friends and family friends who attended the school about how they all get home and study and I'm being useless and wasting my time only playing video games. Over time it just developed into a routine of me getting home, eating a ton of food, playing league, sleeping going to school playing league sleeping going to school, and I never enjoyed a day of it. I only played games because it got me through the day, not because I enjoyed them at all. And it's happening again in College. All I do is eat fat foods now that my parents don't watch me, I got my gpa up fortunately and am doing better with filling my resume with internships and works, but I feel worse now than before.
In University it just makes me envious of all my friends here and back home. How open they are and how much happier it makes them. They all seem to enjoy life so much, partying, drinking, smoking, all with friends and enjoying life. A lot of my friends open up to me and always feel comftorable with me around telling me personal things and have always gone to me when they're having issues with their parents or significant other or school and I personally want to tell them my issues but I just can't. I can't drink or smoke not because I think it's bad, but because my parents are muslim and I consider myself one and follow the faith although very liberally. I always have differing views on life with my parents like me and my sister are pro-lgbtq whereas my parents are against it. But my parents are very liberal in thoughts like my dad being such a big proponent of mental health issues but I still can't talk to him. I don't want to sadden him as it's already hard enough for my parents having to take care of my severely special needs brother.
It's especially hard for me in University because I wanna talk to people and really wanna better myself, but I've locked myself so much that I can't even tell my closest friends what kind of girl I like. This semester I started to actually scream at myself and started hitting myself when my roommate was out and I would hit until hurt so much that I had to force myself to go outside cuz I knew I wouldn't hit myself in public.
I began to have suicidal thoughts and actually at the beginning planned how I would kill myself and have it all end and wouldn't feel anything. When I thought of that I thought of how good of an opportunity my parents gave me, and how I was wasting it which made me want to hurt myself even more because I was a piece of garbage that can't even get ahead with all these boosts in life.
I don't want to have these thoughts anymore. I really don't want to die and I wanna stop being sad all the time. I can't remember the last time in life I was happy but I want to feel what it's like to enjoy life like my friends at school do.
I honestly don't care if no one reads this but this is the most I've been able to open up to anyone. Not a single person truly knows me and I always feel even worse because I can't tell anyone anything.
|
self.depression
|
Advice for calming down or preventing Hypomania when you feel it coming on? I'm trying to study, but I feel like I'm starting to get hypomanic. I'm not able to concentrate, keep jumping from one thing to another, and I have this hectic or frantic kind of feeling. I'm also having a lot of racing thoughts.
Aside from medication, what can I do to key myself down a bit? I don't really have time for this state right now. I'd like to avoid attempting to sleep if I can.
|
self.bipolar
|
I feel like a lost cause Title says it all. I’ve felt like a lost cause lately because I can’t get my ex out of my head or my heart. I care a lot about her and miss her like fucking crazy and I haven’t heard from her since last Wednesday. We didn’t end on bad terms even though she cheated on me and I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I feel hopeless and like a complete waste of time to anyone. I’m 26 and never lived up to my own expectations and I feel like I’ve been letting everyone down. My friends tell me I’m the strongest person they know after everything I’ve endured which when I look back at it and how I felt I think I was being over dramatic and childish. My career is shit I’m in a dead end job, I live with my parents. I feel like I’m a pathetic loser who will have nothing to show in life. I’ve been going to therapy even though I can’t afford it but its days like today when I know she’s not working this weekend that I want to be with her or at least talk to her.
Edit: TL;DR no one seems to give a shit about this ghost.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Boy toying with my emotions I keep meeting a young man I can't have. It's killing me inside and trying to save face is making it quick.Had a half day. Saw him at lunch. He goes to school close to my office. He was so happy to see me and talk to me and everything felt good again.
He told me about his trip. I love the way his face lights up when he feels something real not that fake smile. He made fun of me for not getting the spicy option. I made fun of him for saying diet coke was a meal. Never heard him laugh before today. He says I should meet him here every day if I'm free this hour. Says he's bored between classes anyway. I told him no, I can't really afford it. He laughed and said he couldn't either and we could meet anyway because it's better than the library. I said I worked my lunch most days. He put working in air quotes, I didn't think people did that anymore but it was a very him thing to do. Was a good lunch. I can't see him all the time. It's too painful. I want to die.
He gave me a hug before he left. I'm trying to hold on to that hug and I know I shouldn't. He didn't mean it like that. He hugs everyone if they let him. I'm another person to him and it's not anything more.
He texts me after every time we meet. It's always the same cheery formality. "Was great seeing you =)" I didn't reply. It was stupid, you always reply to him. Idiot
He thinks I'm mad at him. I told him I didn't want to talk I have work. He wished me good luck on getting my work done and told me to cheer up buttercup. He's sickening sweet sometimes. I hate having to cut his shape out of my heart. Every push away he comes back again to comfort me. I feel delusional.
|
self.depression
|
Why it always come back Last week was very good and i think my bad feeling is just over.
But now it come back little weaker. Is fighting with depression like this? Whenever feel happy a while later feel bad over and over again?
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self.depression
|
My meds make it so much worse I was diagnosed with bipolar two 3 or so years ago and it's awful. I am always depressed unless i'm hypomanic, which doesn't happen very often. I miss being super happy when i'm manic because it's a lot better than the depression. i am on lamictal and latuda right now, and the latuda is ruining my life. i think about suicide everyday to make myself feel better, but i know that's not an option because i can't hurt my family. i have akathesia from the latuda and i also have this feeling like i'm not a person. i don't want to hang out with my friends or anyone anymore and i'm always stressed out and depressed. i'm slowly getting off of the latuda since it is ruining any happiness i could possibly have but each day that goes by i want to kill myself even more.
if anyone has any advice for me that'd be great because i can't seem to find anything that makes me feel better.
|
self.bipolar
|
It's been 3 years since my wife killed herself and it's all my fault. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Afraid I’ll never find a girlfriend Due to my crippling anxiety I can’t talk to girls or anyone in general really. So how the fuck am I suppose to talk to attractive women?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I need help I’ve been overdosing on pain medicine for four days, I can’t stop drinking alcohol, i can’t stop smoking cigarettes, I can’t eat anything at all and because of all of this my stomach hurts so fucking bad and it doesn’t stop, it’s been like this for days now. I can’t sleep and I can’t stop crying and I get terrible headaches every night. I’ve tried to hang myself with a belt in my closet but each time I give up right as I’m about to pass out. I hurt myself every night and I don’t know how to stop
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Fuck you I want to die. I fucking hate everyone and everything I want to break everything and cannot not fuck up. I ruin everything I do and can never seem to do anything right. I want to fucking break everyone's back across my knee and burn them alive. I can't do wellll enough in school for anyone to be truly happy. I have insane anxiety on where I will go to college and how I will do in life. I hate myself more than anyone else because of my inability to ever to anything right. Why the hell was i born? I didn't want to be born. I want to break everything and am often filled with rage because of how much of a failure I am. I fucking hate how my family never shuts the hell up and argues about everything and I mean EVERYTHING. I hate that I don't have many "friends" and I'm unsure you could even call them that. My only true friend was my girlfriend and she broke up with me because I'm to much of a fucking bum. She was my everything and I, for some reason, am unable to let go of her. I am currently drifting through the motions of life and I am watching everything slip away from me. That maybe my one and only, my grades, my 'friends', my conscious. I will do anything that will spike my dopamine level so I am able to escape reality. After my girlfriend broke up with me all I ever want to do is drugs because I makes me fell gooood and allows me to forgettt. I have quit vaping(gayest shit ever I will come to your house and beat you to a bloody pulp if you do it) and am trying to quit jerking off and smoking. I am just a disappointment to everyone around me and don't feel able to maintain what is expected from me. Sorry if you read this. Utter waste of your time
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Hope for better Hello am 26 years old and happens to live in greece.I hate my life cause am still living with my parents and in this freaking country cause of the crisis u cant find a job!U find something for short period and then u leave cause the payment is small and the exploitation from the boss is huge.The main problem is my independence.Without it i feel i cant level up my self.And since am male i cant feel man if i am with my parents.Don't know this issue if its something natural to feel but without independence i cant have a woman to love i feel wasted because this is how our modern jungle works today.I am an athlete but had an accident when i was 24 a virus go to my heart and get in hospital.Only relationship i had with woman was from distance we were talking 2 years she was in university in Japan but when i got heart problem she abandon me.After that i get well and now am fine i can do work out again but now cause of my stress of not being independent and be with my parents i have chronic disease heat rush.Every time i try to do something i get heat rush no matter what.The previous summer i was working and only with the idea that i had a work i was happy and the heat rush was off now am jobless again and feel wasted and heat rush is here again.I dont know but my mind works like a chain work=money=woman=family.It also troubles me the fact never had relationship in close and never kissed someone but it seems i have get immune from that problem.Am trying to keep up with positive side and hope for better.
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self.offmychest
|
Alone all the time I have been so alone for so long now that it doesn't bother me anymore. Don't know if it is a good thing or bad?
|
self.depression
|
Dont know what to do Please help me for the last few days I've literaly been laying in bed for the whole fucking day only got out to eat dinner and thats it. I feel like drowning idk what to do. Nothing makes me happy and I dont know how to spend my days. Give me some tasks to do. Cant hang with friends cause I dont have friends, almost no money and no car. Anything to make this suffering stop
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self.depression
|
All the embarrassing things I've done in my life make me want to die But I don't want to die either.
Maybe I'll become a hermit.
|
self.depression
|
I feel trapped Its hard growing up with first generation immigrant parents from Asia. How do you communicate with them when your first language isn't theirs and vice versa?
Sometimes I try my best to talk to them in their own language, talk about philosophy and the things I've learned. Talk about Jazz music, Charlie Parker, why bebop is amazing, why I don't want to live at home and want to just live if you know what I mean. I just get blank stares. "Why don't you want to find a nice girl and settle down? Give us some grandchildren already!"
I know I sound like an angsty teenager, but I'm in my late 20s.
My family has always babied me. Its not their fault, I allowed it to happen, blissfully ignorant of the world around me until it hit me like a truck. I am the youngest and the 'chosen one' to take care of them once they grow old. I don't shirk the responsibility, but I learned a long time ago one does not grow to become a man by sucking on the teat of their mother forever.
I had a great time living on my own for a bit, but I wasn't being responsible about it. After 5 years, I had to return home and work on consolidating finances. Regroup and determine the next best steps. I tried rationalizing that this was the most logical choice, but deep down I felt and still continue to feel embarrassed and ashamed that I failed my own personal goals. My parents were elated I came back, they love me here and would keep me here forever if that were possible.
It doesn't help that my father is sick. He doesn't see it but I do. I grew up with the man. I always respected him for the hardships he went through to raise 3 children, but he can be the most stubborn bastard in the world. His cough has gotten terrible lately, a 2 pack a day smoker who never tried to quit a day in his life. When he and I were younger he'd cough occasionally but now I see him get winded after a 5 minute walk.
No doctors, no quitting, not interested. Believe me we've all tried: pleading, begging, fighting. The man just deflects, denies and ignores it. It kills me on the inside but ultimately he has chosen his path and will walk it. I have to be okay with that. But sometimes I wonder, am I truly staying to spend quality time with him or is that just an excuse? What about my life? Is it fair that I sacrifice most of my young adult life trying to please my family? Am I just trying to play the saint here?
They both want me here. They want me to spend time with them and deal with their problems. You can hear the disappointment dripping from their voices when I talk about my plans for the future, They say they're lonely, that I plan on abandoning them again for trivial reasons. They say I should just hurry up and get married so they can finally rest easy knowing the last son has finally grown up.
These emotions and thoughts pull me in many directions. I'm not sure what to do with them and they bother me. Ultimately I want to live freely and be me, but I also want to make my family proud. In the show The Wire, Avon Barksdale called Stringer Bell a man without a country. I remember how that line hit very close to home for me. Too eastern to be accepted as western and too western to be accepted as eastern.
I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing but I'm doing what my gut tells me: which is to move on (and out) and figure out my own life. My parents had their chance to understand and frankly I shouldn't have to justify every aspect of who I am to them. I just hope I don't regret that decision in the future.
Thanks for reading
|
self.offmychest
|
My baby kitten is dying. Please help me feel better. I need someone to talk to. My kitten Kudo of 5 months is next to me.. slowly awaiting tomorrow where we will probably confirm that he has FIP. There is only slim slim slim hope that he could have another problem but I don't know if I should hold onto that.
Kudo is my baby. My first cat since I got my first apartment with my boyfriend. We are his parents and we did everything we could to make him happy. He's the cutest cat I've ever had.. He's so soft and friendly. Playful, snuggly, never had any accidents or was bad for the most part. Such a sweet baby.
I'm so sad that tomorrow we might have to put him down... I've never felt so lost in my life. I've cried so much because Kudo means so much to me. He helps me when I'm having anxiety or feeling sad or lonely. I don't know if I can stand being in this house if he's gone.
Please someone help... Thank you..
|
self.offmychest
|
i’m a failure last week i took pills and tried to kill myself. eventually i called the suicide hotline and the police found me. i was admitted into the hospital and left after three days because i wanted to go home to have christmas
now i’m here in bed thinking about getting a gun and shooting myself, or taking all my pills. i don’t want to live but i don’t want to die. i haven’t called my dad since right before i tried to killl myself. i have debt on debt and have no ambitions to do anything with my life. i’m a failure of a human and a waste of space. i don’t know what to do
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Insurance temporarily not working and off meds. Any tips at managing symptoms of mania while off meds? Hi I have bi polar 1 and I temporarily do not having working insurance due to me not filling out paperwork in time. I am normally prescribed seroquel 300 mg but I am out and due to my lapse in insurance I can't refill. Last night was my first night without medication and I can feel my mania already kicking in. Anyone have any tips and advice to get me through without totally losing it?
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone here date successfully? If so, can you teach me your black magic ways? This is baaarutal
|
self.bipolar
|
Someone help me, please.. I'll just get to the beginning..
Ever since I was 8 I've been battling with depression.
When I was 14 I developed severe anxiety.
Over 3 years ago it hit hard, out of nowhere. I dropped all interests, lost friends, never left the house..
Now, for the past year, especially the past 6 months or so, I've have been getting increasingly alarming mood swings.
I am literally shifting through moods several minutes or so, multiple times a day. I just had an episode now of feeling irrationality angry.. Then, I started sobbing horribly before now feeling elated and almost.. High?
I just need help and advice of who to go to first.. Doctor? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Are they expensive?.. I have insurance for the dr but I dont think it covers a psychologist or psychiatrist..
Im so fucking scared I thought I could do this alone and fight through with no medication but my god I literally sobbed out that I feel fucking crazy.. Because i truly do..
|
self.bipolar
|
Is lethargy a bipolar symptom? Little background information before we start:
Lithium 300mg x2 a day for the past 9 months. I haven’t been taking it that often these past few weeks due to the increase in feeling lethargic. Haven’t been drinking as much liquids but the tiredness has only increased a tiny bit due to that. FT4 was high months ago but it has maintained normal levels since. Asked my doctor if I could be diabetic but she told me that was almost a definite no.
I’m 19, my diet is meh but not horrible, my BMI is perfect for weight/height and yet I’m so fucking tired all the time. This has been going on for what it seems like 3 years now. It doesn’t seem to be a seasonal thing but I can confirm that it does worsen in the winter. On record I was sleeping 17 hours a day last year.
So what I’m trying to figure out here is if this is an actual medical concern or just a bipolar symptom that I will forever have to live with. If I wasn’t so goddamn tired all the time this disorder wouldn’t be nearly as inpairing as it is. When asking my pdoc if my Lithium could be the culprit she mentioned that she had never had a patient complain so much about this symptom but that my level is so low (.03) that it couldn’t be toxic. The best way I can put it is that I’m extremely tired when I don’t take it and even more tired when I do.
Ugh.
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone in the Philadelphia area? I could use a friend to hangout with Doesn't matter who you are, I could really use a friend to talk to and hangout with. I'm a really friendly person who can get along with pretty much anyone lol.
I'm 25 year old male who moved back home after spending most of my time in New York area for school and work. I have lost all contact with old high school friends and all my new york friends tell me Philly is too far of a commute to visit. So I wanna expand my friend group and not be depressed and bored while I am at home.
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self.depression
|
Anyone here feel like they're going down a career path that won't make them happy? I'm a college student in my 3rd year, and ever since I've started here I've had a growing feeling that this isn't the path that will truly make me happy. I would drop out if I had a guaranteed better option, but I don't. I'm really not sure what I would rather do. I'd love to start my dream of making music regularly, but dropping out to pursue a music career is one of the dumbest things you can do in this day and age.
I just want something to change. I can't take this feeling anymore.
|
self.depression
|
I may just actually end it all I don't wanna type again, read the previous post I made. But yeah. I'm so done with everything.
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self.depression
|
(Slight TMI) Should I get my prolactin levels checked? If I'm understanding correctly, Latuda can increase your prolactin levels. I'm pretty sure that's happening to me because my breasts are feeling pretty similar to when my milk came in after giving birth.
I see my psychiatric med manager on Tuesday. Is this worth bringing up or am I worrying over nothing?
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self.bipolar
|
Does anyone get motivated to exercise when depressed? I feel like I'm the only person to feel this way, but when I feel like absolute shit and considering I'm fairly obese, when I get depressed I just want to exercise like crazy. Anyone else feel this way?
|
self.depression
|
Best jobs for Bipolar I have been through three jobs in the last 2 years. I was on the police department for 3 years and lives it until I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD after several shootings I should have died in. So I have found out that I am only able to take so much stress. I was a service manager at 2 oest control company's. Just left the last one because I went through a manic stage and had wonderful ideas and was getting the employees moving and making the branch money. Then all of a sudden BOOM. The depression. Was unable to get along with the branch manager due to him being a desk jockey and I just left. Had no more appeal for the job all 9f a sudden. Need a job asap but not sure what to do. Anything will help me.
Thanks.
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self.bipolar
|
I don’t want to die but I must. Tired of crying and no one there My girlfriend and I went through a rough patch a month ago and several instances prior to that. I have changed drastically. It’s nothing severe like physical altercations or disrespecting her. It was more of us being frustrated with the fact that we miscommunicated certain things when we knew we were better than that. It has taken a toll or her and she told me she doesn’t feel the same as she used to about me but want to make it work. I feel that when I decide to end my life she will not even care the way I would like her to care.
I’ve been extremely lonely for years(family included) I am as helpful as possible to those who I love(family included) but I’ve never gotten the same in return. As I struggled academically but finally able to obtain my law degree, no one was there. As I struggled financially until I was able to open up my own company, no one was there. All through my life I’ve had to do it all by myself. That’s not an exaggeration. I’m tired of going through life alone, not being able to exhale. I have made peace with the choice to end my life. I know a general sense of time and method. At the moment I am doing all things to make arrangements for the ones I’ll leave behind. I love you all. Please remember Hope creates opportunity....but opportunity ignites hope.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Turning my spoilt ass brat life around Throwaway here because my main has probably too many bits of info that make it easy to doxx.
I grew up in a relatively ok middle-class family with a couple of other siblings. However, I wasn’t a decent kid in school and frequently got into fights because I had a stick up my ass/anger management issues and at several points, the police were called in and I was threatened with juvenile prison. What hit me the hardest was some of my relatives saying I wouldn’t amount to anything and of course, my parents were incredibly disappointed to say the least.
I cleaned my act and managed to go to college, but I was still a fucking brat. I fooled around, sinking my GPA while I just kinda went with the flow. I was a real fuckhead to my parents, demanding them to sponsor expensive college overseas trips and for more pocket money while I continued to be a fucking bum. I was really unaware that my parents had made some bad financing decisions of their own and had a mountain of debt to deal with. Not to mention, my siblings would soon be entering college and that was another fuckton of debt.
It was one of those cold nights where I had a sudden reckoning. I don’t know how to put it, as a Christian, it was like God speaking to me inside. I asked myself what the fuck I was doing and just how much of a fucking shit I was throughout. I decided I had to get my shit back together. My college majors were on the liberal arts side as a result of me fooling and fucking around because I wanted ‘easier’ modules to clear. This wouldn’t cut it.
I had some interest in the finance sector because I loved working with quantitative data and the pay was a great way out but my lack of internships and experience was a real pain. In addition the application dates for the bulge bracket banks summer internships had already passed. I caught up with a few of my school friends and I was encouraged to network actively and revamp my resume, which I did. I got around to speaking with seniors who got into banking from an arts background while participating actively in case competitions to hone my skills. I managed to land an internship with a boutique firm and no words could describe how relieved I was. I studied in the days before endlessly while memorizing every technical aspect needed, and got my friends to practise mock interviews with me. I was really thankful that my boss saw the hunger in me and chose to overlook my shitty GPA and lack of experience. It was also a half year internship that required a leave of absence so that probably worked in my favour by culling half the competition.
It was a great step forward and I learnt a ton (over many sleepless nights at the office) while working on many live projects but the small nature of the firm meant that they weren’t open to hiring graduates at this point. It’s ok, I still had another summer to go (delayed graduation). As the opening dates opened, I got right in to applying for the big bulge bracket banks and just about anyone in that industry. I managed to get into a few superdays and it’s all a blur now. Whether because I was nervous and it showed or I was just plain terrible compared to anyone else, I didn’t get a single offer that summer. Both bulge bracket banks and just about any firm. It was really fucking devastating and crushing to my self esteem as even unknown small accounting firms passed over me for other candidates. I had alot of self-doubt and was wondering if I made the right choice to move in this direction.
So how did I spent my summer? My last chance to get a top internship to boost my job prospects? As a fucking waiter because I couldn’t find a single internship. Anyhow, the bills had to be paid and I wanted to send my parents some cash so off I went, working my ass off everyday. I wanted to make full use of the summer and not waste it/have something to show for it so I got started on learning programming and it was really great fun as I completed modules after modules while working on mini projects.
School came about and this time it was time to find a job. I applied for the same banks again (why not?) but this timr my resume was far behind the pack with a gaping hole for the summer and I only made it to the first couple of rounds. At some point in time, I kinda didn’t gave a shit as I contemplated just being another speck, working something ordinary with just enough to survive. By virtue of luck, I came across an ad for a graduate position with an algorithm trading firm that had grew rapidly over the fast few years with a monstrous pay package to boot. They were rather resume-blind for the initial hiring process but had a series of complicated maths tests under a short duration of time to sieve out candidates. Somehow honestly, I managed to pull through. It was just such a relief and soon I could see the silver linings. I rehearsed every day, preparing a pitch that would help explain why the fuck I was being a bum for the summer. I struggled with it and decided that I really should just be honest. There was really nothing to lose for me at this point. Who am I? Shitty college undergrad with a shitty resume that managed to make it this far alongside far better candidates. And also, a generic pitch probably wouldn’t be enough to allow myself to stand out.
So off I went, with the HR and directors. I showed all my cards. I told them that I’d made a number of bad decisions during my junior years and I was desperately trying to make up for lost time. I didn’t get a summer internship but I spent nights slaving away in front of the computer after trying to make ends meet with programming codes, demonstrating some of my mini projects. My shitty GPA couldn’t be erased but for the past 2 semesters I had scored a perfect 4, with A+ in quantitative finance modules. I had no experience whatsoever in this role but I was desperate for an opportunity and I would do whatever it takes for me to find the solution if there were any questions.
I left the interview red-eyed and feeling rather shitty about myself, embarrassed that I went on a seemingly emotional rant. As I was pondering over my next steps earlier today, I received a call, with an offer from that company. I could barely conceal my delight as I was read out the full compensation package, which was a fucking load of money. I had never seen so much fucking money before and it was definitely going to be a load off my parents’ shoulders especially since they’re getting old and stuff. I don’t know what to say as I’m still in a whirl now. I’m grateful that there’s someone watching over me from above, for having parents that put up with my fucking bullshit when many others would have just thrown me out, for having friends that were willing to go the extra mile etc. Anyway I accepted that offer without hesitation and for once, I seem to be right back on the path again. I know some of you might ask me to go and give my parents a big hug or something but we aren’t that sort of people. We’ve never been one to talk much and I hope that coming right home and passing them a chunk of my pay check every month might just make up for a fraction of the pain I dealt them throughout these years.
Sorry for the long ramble, just getting it out. Also haven’t cried a like a baby/from joy in ages.
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self.offmychest
|
Just got accused of being anti-trans, so that's fucking lovely It really upset me, I posted on an app simply asking "pick a character of the gender opposite yours, you get their powers but you have to wear their costume!" I go to a really nerdy college so this kind of thing is fun for us, well I got attacked for implying genders have opposites as it's a spectrum (fun fact things on a spectrum DO have opposites unless they are dead center)... So now I get to feel even more like garbage for asking an UNIMPORTANT question FOR FUN
Edit: I would also like to add that they weren't even like... Direct with me, they were snarky and passive aggressive, and that's what I think really upsets me
|
self.depression
|
I don’t think I’ll ever love another man as much as I love my brother [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel like people lose interest anytime I organize something This is something that's been bothering me for years, but I've noticed that people who are usually always invested in stuff that requires someone taking the lead, aren't interested when I take the lead.
At my summer job we often play Mafia after work's done, which everyone always enjoys. But as soon as* I'm* the narrator, even if no one else wants to do that, people start getting distracted by literally anything else. I know it's not because I'm bad at it, because the few people who are still invested really enjoy it. There must be something about me that just makes people lose attention.
It's happened so many times that I put hours and hours of work in something for my classmates/friends/colleagues to enjoy, but they just seem to immediately forget that I did. Group games that everyone forgot about, day trips that nobody even responded to (even though they all wanted to go on one and nobody else was prepared to plan it)... Three days ago I asked in our pretty active group chat of 5 people if someone felt like going to the cinema next week.
"Seen by Everyone"
I'm really starting to feel like I shouldn't even bother trying to organize stuff anymore. Most of the time it's just a wast of energy anyways. It'd be easier for me to accept it if everyone around me was a dick, but they're all great people.
|
self.offmychest
|
Get horribly depressed when it gets dark? Hi. So I've been depressed for a couple years, but it gets considerably worse during winter - particularly, when it gets dark. It gets dark around 4:30 where I'm at and it just leaves me so fucking depressed the second it gets dark. This is probably for multiple reasons but the darkness leaves me feeling so closed in on and isolated / lonely. The second it's dark outside I feel so claustrophobic and lost and also the feeling of the day being over where in the morning it feels like it's full of possibilities is devastating.
I was wondering if anyone had any advice about this - It's not like I feel great during the day, I have a lot of day where I'm very depressed, but the night makes it way worse. The only things that help with this are going out and doing things and hanging out with people or going to concerts, but since I'm in high school and my friends are sometimes super busy, especially on school nights, this isn't possible often. I wish I was dating someone because I think it would help with the loneliness a lot, but I'm not, and my best friend who I used to text with all the time and used to help me with this stuff a lot is dating someone now who she hangs out with most nights so I kinda lost my main support system, and I kinda wish I could talk to my better friends about it but I don't wanna make them feel like "obliged" to text with me, plus when I'm like that, it takes someone who knows exactly what/how to talk about it to actually coax me into having a good conversation, otherwise I tend to be pretty shitty to people who text me when I'm that sad idk.
The other thing that helps is working out, which I started doing the other week to try to bulk up a little bit but since I'm actually working out to get stronger I have to take breaks a couple days a week so there are some nights where I just don't have anything to do to help me get over it and it destroys me and leaves me feeling so suicidal and tired and horrible. The working out also only helps for a bit unless I just keep doing it for hours which always leaves me like physically in a lot of pain. Distracting myself in other ways - TV or music or movies or other things I usually love make me just feel worse. I guess this post is partially to vent and partially to ask for advice about this. It's such a horrible feeling to know I'm going to be practically incapacitated at 4:30 every night and leaves me with a lot of dread starting in the afternoon.
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self.depression
|
Depression,motivation,life purpose, word vomit??? Hi my name is Laura, I am 23 years old and I am a loser. Quick warning: this post may be very long and random but I am sick of all of this nonsense just stirring around in my head and I had to get it out! So here we go!
I have never been a good student. All through my childhood I never paid attention in class or did my homework or tried at all in school. I also had a lot of trouble keeping friends and was bullied from a very young age. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was thirteen after a suicide attempt. Although I believe my anxiety started when I was much younger, probably eight years old. Even though I was never a good student I was always a very creative person. I used to love to write stories for fun and when I was fourteen I thought I had found my calling in life: I was going to be an ACTRESS! Stupid, I know. I remember I had what felt like a huge life altering moment. I was helping out with the school production of West Side Story and I was watching all the actors and dancers on stage and I KNEW that this was what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a performer. Also, in my mind this was a way for all of my favorite fantasy stories to be REAL. I was never going to go to Hogwarts or be a super hero but acting in the movies was the next best thing! I remember blowing off school and not even thinking about college because "I'm going to be an actress so it doesn't matter."
I was on anti-depressants on and off for TEN YEARS. I just recently stopped taking any form of medication because of a book called "anatomy of an epidemic." The book basically said that people on medication long-term ended up being in worse condition than people who had never been on meds at all. This freaked me the fuck out, so I stopped taking them. It's not like they were really working anyway. I wasn't getting good grades, earning a degree or going out to pursue my dreams when I was on them. I was still doing what I do now: If I'm not at school (same community college I went to right out of high school, going on 5 years there) still barely participating, or at work at my crappy job in a restaurant then I'm at home lying in bed (still living in my parents house) and cycling between the same 4 apps over and over and over again. I am not an active participant in life. I am so lazy and unmotivated I cannot stand it. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I used to have hopes. At least I WANTED to do something even if I made no attempts to do it. I don't WANT anything. I don't want to be an actress anymore. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to move, I don't want to think. I wish having a "destiny" was real. I think maybe I should go back on my medication but it's so expensive and at this point I just want to be better. My parents were so amazing and supportive to me when I was growing up. They paid for all the therapy and meds and I wish so so badly that I could repay them. I wish I had been better. It breaks my heart thinking about how badly I have let them down. They're the only reason I haven't killed myself yet because I would hate to make them sad. If you have actually read this, thank you. I'm sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. I'm kind of just shouting into the void that is the internet. I don't know what else to do.
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self.offmychest
|
Last night was 8 years summed up in a nutshell Long Story Tl;DR at bottom for anyone wanting to skip
So a little about me first. I'm 22 years and I work full times fixing other people stuff. Some of it broken by themselves others by people they know. I am generally the kind of person who keeps to myself on my days off. I don't go to bars or clubs or drink, I also have social anxiety so being near strangers makes me more uncomfortable and awkward than I usually am. Because of this I'm single, I'm not bothered by that fact. In fact I like being a young bachelor going to the movies when I want, eating when I want doing whatever. But at the same time, I get lonely so I usually hang with a couple friends to not feel alone. A lot of the time I get people telling me that I should get a date or meet someone or get out of the house. Which was my big mistake, there was a girl I used to talk to about a year ago but stopped because I felt I wasn't good enough for her. She usually talks about things that bother her and constantly gets harassed by other men in public and social media for her looks. I started talking with her again because she was going through a time where she's trying to head in the right direction in her life. I was supporting her ever decision to live a clean life and all was good till last night.
So I texted her first if she is doing good she tells me yeah she's just stressed out from being work and harassment. That she also needs cigarettes and she'll pay me back tomorrow. That she wanted to hang out where we first met, but only if I drop off the cigarettes by her workplace. Now being the timid naive fool that I am. I wouldn't have guessed that I was being used at that moment. But I did exactly what she said and agreed to meet her where we first met after she got off work.
I have met 4 women in my life thus far that I generally cared for, and every one of them stood me up and played me. So as I just barely got to the place where we agreed to meet. I texted her to let her know that it was dark and abandoned. I was j
Hoping she would read this immediately so we can agree to meet somewhere else. She read the messages for me dropping of cigarettes pretty fast but not these. So not 5 minutes after waiting I see a police cruiser pass by and take a u-turn. I understood what was going to happen, I just was hoping it wouldn't. Sure enough he pulls up by me as I sit there with my phone in my hand and begins questioning me. Keep in mind, I just got there and barely took a seat and already I get labeled for suspicious behavior. So I talk with him being cooperative for 10 minutes meanwhile no text back. After he was done with me I call her 3 times and text her once to let her know I'll be waiting at McDonald's. So I get to McDonald's and wait for 10 minutes still with no response. So I wait another 10 minutes and still no response. So I text her to let me know when she is headed to McDonald's. 10 minutes later still no reply. I call her and get put instantly on voicemail. As I waited I finally gave up after some dude was staring at me across my table for i don't know how long and laughed.
Tl;DR A person I used to talk to that I decided to reconnect with stood me up and used me so she can get a pack of cigarettes. Meanwhile I give up on waiting after I was questioned by police for waiting 5 minutes on our agreed location and laughed by some dude who was staring at me.
Sorry if this doesn't belong.
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self.offmychest
|
I want to drop out before I have a chance to fail. I might as well start feeling shit at a job full time before u have to chance to fail my classes and hate myself even more than I already do. Atleast if I start working right now, I can earn some money, though i don't even know if that would help anything. Has anyone else dropped out?
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self.depression
|
Should I talk to my sister? My family has always been a bit dysfunctional. Nothing major, but I can remember quite a few arguments between my parents that I could hear from my room upstairs. They used to make me kinda scared. Not really sure why. I wasn't fearing for my safety or anything (unless my dad was pissed at me), they just used to make me nervous and scared.
I've always been kind of a shy kid and my sister, from what I can remember, used to be pretty good at making me feel better if I was ever upset. One day when I was pretty young - around 10 or so - her and my dad (her would have been step-dad if my parents were married) got into an argument and the next thing I remember she moved out of our home and in with my grandparents. They lived pretty close but I didn't really get to see her that much. And even when she got her own place not far away I didn't visit much. I was busy being an anxiety-ridden teenager too worried trying to make excuses to get out of kissing girls and thinking of ways to derail any conversation with the mention of sex amongst my friends so I wouldn't have to admit I was a virgin (something that didn't change until I was around 23/24) in case I did it wrong and everyone at school made fun of me.
I don't remember too much about that period or event. I don't remember a lot of my childhood. Maybe I'm forgetful or maybe there wasn't a lot going on in my life to remember. I don't know if that's relevant or not but I'm not very close to my family now. I've always been more of an acquaintance to them than a son, I've never been able to laugh and joke with them. They seem better at that stuff than me. Maybe I'm the black sheep?
I feel like I'm rambling, but I'm not happy with my life and I wish I had been a better, more well-adjusted son and family member in general. I used to enjoy spending time with my sister and I'm starting to realise I might be a little annoyed or upset at her for 'abandoning' me. Or maybe I should have made more of an effort to go and see her and talk to her. I just felt if people didn't come to me then they didn't want to be around me. If I went to them I'd probably be bugging them.
Maybe I'm an optimist, but I don't think it's too late to change some of these things. I feel like I'm already a better-functioning human than I was a few years ago, even if I still have a long way to go. It's only recently I've realised I have anxiety and depression. I went my whole childhood and most of my twenties thinking it was normal to worry about every little thing since I had no one to talk to about it. I would have liked to have had a sibling to potentially share some of this stuff with and I feel like that was taken from me.
What I'm trying to ask, in a very long-winded way, is if I should tell my sister I wish she had stuck around a little more when I was younger? She was my big sister. That's what they're for, right? I don't blame her, she probably had a lot of her own stuff to deal with. But I feel like I became very isolated after that incident and I wish I'd have had someone to talk to. My dad is a pretty sociable person and I don't think he quite gets me and my mum was lovely but not without her own addiction issues.
I just felt - and still do feel - alone a lot of the time. I don't want my sister to think I'm blaming her for anything which is why I don't know if I should bring it up to her. It can't change the past and may only make her feel bad about it. Is it selfish to want to tell her I wish she was there a little more when I was younger? Sorry for the ramble. And thank you if anyone made it this far.
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self.depression
|
back at home for the year and i miss being at Uni So I'm 2 years into uni and for my third year I do a job in industry, and cause it's unpaid I decided to do it at home. I was completely miserable at uni yet somehow the moment I'm home from there my time there matters again. I'm from a big family and the one thing I learned at uni is that I do really like privacy and having my own personal space to myself, and losing that has been hard. I guess I just wanted to share that with someone.
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self.offmychest
|
I have bad anxiety and when I drink I start to get really moody. Does this happen to anyone else? This only happens usually around people I hold a grudge against or dislike. I will start to get very envious and jealous of them. Then I’ll think everyone is against me and I’ll just want to leave and go home. I will never act like this at a bar, club, or in public for obvious reasons.
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self.Anxiety
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What is the alcohol rule Can anxiety sufferers drink socially, since alcohol in the long term negatively affects anxious people and make the condition worse. I only drink socially and do not want to make my symptoms worse in the long run. Talking about 8 bottles a week max?
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self.Anxiety
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Increased sex drive on Celexa? I just recently started taking Celexa and I noticed it makes me a lot hornier than how I am at baseline. I still get the side effects that make it harder to keep an erection but my sex drive has increased a lot (to the point where I'm masterbating 4-5 times a day. Is this normal or even possible on Celexa?
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self.depression
|
Get out of my dreams. I don't call you text you or contact you just like you asked. I let you have most of our mutual friends. You dumped me in a shitty way and all I ever felt was sorry. I still love you, a part of me always will. I'd like to talk to you as friends, I'd love to hear you tell me about the new star wars movie, I have Pokemon questions I just can't answer, I read the books you told me to while I was sweating and crying through my addictions but I can't share my enjoyment with you. I won't watch stranger things, I can't enjoy any TV shows we watched together.
That last night, days before you ended it, we held each other and watched a movie, you could have broken my heart and let me say goodbye instead of waiting to text me out the blue.
I got better like you wanted but without you here what's the point.
I'm slimmer, like you wanted.
I'm sober like you wanted.
Drug free, like you wanted.
I've left your life, I've stopped being angry.
So please, please, for the love of fucking god, stay out of my fucking dreams.
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self.offmychest
|
Always the backup friend I feel like I'm constantly misunderstood because of the way I express myself (or the way I don't express myself since a lot of my friends describe me as flat). I'm always told that I seem pretty good at rolling with the punches in life since some of my housemates know that things have been bad in my home life this semester. Even though I think I have friends at the moment I'm always just the one that they call if no one else is about or if they have absolutely nothing to do. No one seems to understand, I'm pretty sure it never gets better and there's no way for me to ever be "normal", people are always saying that uni's one of the best parts of your life but if this is as good as it gets I don't see why I shouldn't just end it now....
Sorry for how disjointed and not very well put together this vent is, I've been thinking about this constantly for hours now and it's the middle of the night, even though I've been thinking about this for so long and it makes sense to me it still doesn't seem like I can word anything right...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’ve got so much going on in my head and no one to talk to about it. I’m constantly sad, every day. I just sit and do nothing, except for when I’m forced out of the house. I’m not completely alone, I have my family and one friend left; but I can’t talk to them about anything. My family is always so happy, they never understand why I get so downhearted, and the thought of pushing my last friend away terrifies me so much.
I feel like my problems are so small, especially compared to other peoples I see on here. But that doesn’t stop me from crying about them almost every night. I’m pathetic like that, and it only makes it worse. I can’t remember the last time I was legitimately happy, and that’s all I want.
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self.depression
|
Just a thought More of a small rant lol. So I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, as usual. I kinda hate my docs. They helped me out for sure! No doubt about that. But I feel like they're not doing enough and they don't want too. Does that make any sense? They always seem to argue with each other about what meds to give or what kind of treatment in general. Like they don't know and they're just guessing what works. And fortunately for me they're not off from the target.
Just something I've been concerned about lately. Every time I tell them that dr. "So-and-so" said this, they'll give me this dirty look and pretty much say "well dr. Whatever doesn't know what they're talking about, we're gonna do this instead".
It's pretty frustrating. I guess, idk. It is annoying. Hell, they can't even figure out what's wrong with me. Some of them say <insert random type of bipolar here> or they tell me it's not bipolar, I'm just emotionally disturbed. Same shit? Maybe...
I'm getting tired, I hate so many things about this. Can't even explain it. Can't do something so basic as explaining how I feel. Maybe that's the problem. I suck at talking about my feelings and my situation that I'm just confusing everyone.
Either way idk what to do about anything. Didn't have a fucking clue at the start. Don't have a clue now. And still won't years from now.
I'm stuck in a situation I can't even understand no matter how I try. I've overcome so much dumb shit before. But this... no matter how how much I do, I'm still so far behind.
I hate how the only way I can sleep is with Seroquel. I can't do something so fucking simple as sleep. The only human function where you don't have to do shit at all. Yet, I can't do it. The most simple thing anyone ever does. And I'll still fuck it up.
Every time I look at this sub-Reddit I envy the accomplishments you guys can do. I read your success stories and I wish that could be me. I see some of the art and paintings you guys do. I wish I had that skill. Regardless if it's cause of manic or not. You guys take something that's one of the worse things anyone could have. And you make the best of it.
And what do I do? Absolutely nothing. I hold in my emotions to the point I want to throw up. And then I drink myself until I don't feel a thing. And after that I just start losing it like I did the other day. But tbh, I always lose it some level. Alcohol or not. Meds or not. I'll always lose it to some degree. Lose everything. But then again I never really had anything to start.
I lost and gain so much in my life. But I don't care. There was only one moment in my life I EVER felt any joy and happiness. And it's long gone and it will never come back. And it's all my fault. Cause out of every problem I "think" I can fix, people I "think" I could've helped. I couldn't help myself. Still can't. And it cost me the only thing in this world that ever meant anything to me.
|
self.bipolar
|
Husband is being a bit of a sh!t So the husband was laid off from his job at the end of October, and he’s been looking, and he actually has a third interview, on site, and they’re actually footing the bill to fly me out as well. It’s a good prospect and good job, but it will mean a cross-country move. This is of course terrifying in itself, and the job I’m sure is also scary as it’s slightly outside the husband’s comfort zone. No one expects to be laid off after 14 years at a job. This is also his first lay-off ever.
We lost our benefits. I work, but not enough hours to get benefits. I applied for the ACA, but it spit us out due to his lack of a job and told us to apply for our state’s Medicaid, and we’re in the quagmire of that red tape, as it could take up to 45 days for them to decide if we’re worthy of tax-paid medical benefits, which we’ve paid into all these years, but that’s another gripe for another day. So we’re not covered medically, I’m worried about running out of medication, and the husband is a seething cauldron of angst. To top it all off, he’s being an ass. I get it. He’s worried. He’s depressed. He’s stressed.
We are luckier than most that we have a good savings and we don’t need to make too many adjustments to our lifestyle because the money will be there for a while. I’m still working, I’m destashing yarn and knitting bags and good clothing and bringing in money. But he snaps at me for asking how he’s doing, for asking what his plans are for the day, and meanwhile I’m still doing most of the household chores, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, chasing down all the bullshit to try to get us medical coverage, going to work every day, and then I have to put up with his attitude and meekly ask him if would please take the garbage out because I don’t know if he’s going to gripe at me. Goddammit, I’m tired and stressed and worried too. I’m ready to drop-kick him into next week.
It’ll get better. Right now I’m just pissed and I’m on strike, house-hold-wise.
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self.offmychest
|
I have some things to say about my girlfriend [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I think I'm done with living... I am not clinically depressed or have never been diagnosed with anything. I don't know if it is stupid of me to not talk about my problems but I honestly don't care. My doctor recommended me to see a psychologist and even sent something to my parents to take me but I just burned the paper and never mentioned it to my parents lol. That was the last time I told my doctor about how depressed I feel. I just fake being happy. When she or anyone asks how I am feeling, I say that I love life and I am happy. I tell them how I have so many supportive friends but in reality I have no one to talk to and I barely have any friends.
I don't talk to any of my parents either. My mom left me alone and went to live across the country with her boyfriend. She recently just came to visit my aunt who lives in the same state as me. She called me and said that she will pick me up and take me with her but I don't care about her. Why can't she leave? I want to cry every day but I live in a small house with 3 other families and it would just draw attention to me. So I usually just sit in bed and stare at my phone. It isn't even on. I just stare at a black screen and see myself. I live with my dad and it is hell. I can't go outside or do anything. If I want to go to the store that is a block away I can't. It has been like this for my whole life. There isn't anything I love in life. I just want to slit my wrists. I have a blade hidden under my bed. I can just already imagine the blade going across my skin and cutting my veins. I want to die already but I still haven't cut myself. Its like I am too scared to die. I think I'll just Waite until I get out of high school and move and never talk to my family again. I don't even talk to them but at least in a year I can be by myself and live without internet, talking, just be nothing. But it feels too far away. I want to die but then I don't because I hope things get better, but since I was 12 I have been feeling like this. but every year it gets worse and I know it will never get better.
I don't want to see my mom or dad or family.
I just want to die and see nothing.
There is nothing more to life than being a caged animal locked to the confines of a small room with other people. I hate this life. I hate myself.
there seems to be no point in living.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I would very much like to die. I am neither sad, nor depressed. I actually have a very good life with a family that cares about me, but I don't believe that I deserve it. There is nothing terribly wrong with my life, but I simply cannot find any purpose or point to it all. I know that we make our own purpose; that the purpose of life is not to be happy, but to be useful. Yes, but then what? We die, and then we're forgotten. I have been flirting with the idea of suicide for a while now, but so far I haven't put together any concrete idea. Unfortunately, these suicidal thoughts constantly plague my mind.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety is fear leaving the body 'Anxiety is fear leaving the body'. I use this as my mantra of sorts, and this weekend has been extremely difficult for me. I have had mood swings, freak outs, and have alienated everyone from me in my angry, near suicidal mood. SKOL Vikings, maybe that will cheer me up.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm thinking constantly of killing myself ... I'm fighting serious depression by myself. I'm at home fighting serious depression by myself ... I'm think of killing myself just about everyday. Every. Single. Day.
I've tried therapy & am currently on medication (actually my second round of medication, the first medication I tried made me sick & started my thoughts of suicide). I'm calling crisis lines almost every day to talk myself down. I've been having panic attacks that are making things worse.
I'm trying to fix my life, but I'm not sure I'm going to make it some times ... I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have a lot of problems to solve & no idea how to do it.
I have a simple plan that's painless ...
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self.SuicideWatch
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The only thing that is keeping me from suicide is that my depression deprives me of the energy to actually do it [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Suicide is the only option to escape poverty? Is it really worth it to work in a dead end minimum wage? Because i believe that i can't get a better job because of my disability. I do many times think about suicide. Why? Because i dont want to work in a minimum wage job all my life. That would be very Depressing. I would always be dirt poor. Is such a lvie really worth living? Working in a dead end minimum wage job all your life? What do you think? Is it worth it? The pay is so low that you cant afford any luxuries, or maybe a few but you will never live a normal middle class life. Its just existing. Then you will need to work till you are dead because you will never able to retire on a minimum wage job. But because im disabled i believe i can't get something better. Only unskilled work. So should i kill myself?
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self.depression
|
When I was 15, I put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. The slide jammed. To this day I regret not clearing the jam and just shooting myself again.
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self.SuicideWatch
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[NAW] So sick of dealing with people who have seemingly no emotion and aren't passionate about anything. I feel like a crazy person every time I want to share my thoughts and feelings. I got laid off from my job the week before Thanksgiving. I decided to finally try to take my side venture full-time. I make a lot of cosplay related stuff and other 3D printed props. I work literally any time I'm awake and not at the gym or running errands. And you know what? I fucking love every second of it. I'm passionate about a LOT of things in life - there's just so much to do and learn.
My boyfriend on the other hand responds everything with "okay"
"Want to come over? I'll make us dinner" "okay"
"Hey I'm feeling really down today and could use someone to talk to" "okay"
We don't fight or argue, just me getting upset at lack of empathy.
He's not the only one in my life that is like this. For some reason I tend to attract towards drones with no emotional range. What is wrong with me? I just want to share experiences with loved ones and friends, good and bad, but no one is fucking having any of it.
**Edit:** post was removed because I referred to myself as the B-word. There are a lot of things I enjoy about my relationship. I just had to vent about being passionate in a vacuum.
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self.offmychest
|
Think I made a fool of myself...not sure I redeeemd myself.... I had a last appointment to get travel expenses for my new job with my job advisor who I'd been going to for 6 months. I'd never really got on with her in recent times as I used to just keep my head down rather than saying hello to her and I always felt she hated me because im quiet and ugly (the type no advisor wants to bother with) I got a new job and I told my new job that id been in a temporary work placement the last 6 months rather than being with that advisor the last 6 months as I said (because they didn't want to see too many gaps in unemployment, I lied) and my advisor (who didn't know tbh) contacted my new job to confirm my employment, and then my new manager questioned me about where I actually was the last 6 months ( I nearly got sacked) I emailed my advisor angry about it, but I quickly apologised as I realised she didn't know I lied. Then the next day I emailed her and asked her could I get a bus pass for the first week of work as I worked a week in hand and apologised also. I went in to my advisor and she asked me about getting to work and how much it usually costs me and she was looking at meeting furrowed eyebrows. I felt bad and there was an awkward silence as she was writing the paper form out for the bus pass, so I apologised again she then said 'it's alrigggghht' (but sounded annoyed) I then explained my manager questioned me about it and she seemed surprised like wtf and said 'did he?' And then she said 'just we have to contact them to confirm your employment' Then I said 'Its ok I understand' and she went quiet as she written the paper form out for me. A moment later she passed me the form and I stood up to go and said thanks, then she leaned forward slightly sitting down with her hand out and said 'awwwwwwwwwww, awwwww (more like rrrrrrrr) (it was prolonged than what I typed like an gap filler tongue tied I think) and said a few things then I said ok and slowly walked away (out of nervousness) she then said 'let me know if you need anything else' I just said ok and slowly walked away and then she said ' oh..and I'll stay in contact to see how your getting on, I'll contact you by email if that makes things easier for you' and smiled (she said it all really nicely) I said 'oh ok thanks, great' (I'm really shy)she said 'awww ok' then she turned back around sitting on her chair and said 'oh and...(I turned around) well done' and smiled.she said well done a lot since I got that job.
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self.offmychest
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Bipolar a Disorder vs. BPD CLARIFICATION TO ONE AND ALL:
BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder
BPD is not and is never a shorter version or abbreviation of bipolar disorder.
One is a personality disorder generally caused by attachment issues from traumas in childhood.
The other is a mental illness that is likely a genetic condition.
One is a persistant and pervasive struggle, controlled with counselling with little evidence of medication help.
The other is episodic, if controlled with proper treatment in medication, therapy and lifestyle changes.
They are not the same thing.
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self.bipolar
|
Last week of graduate classes and social anxiety. ABORT! PANIC! SEND HELP! I need some serious encouragement here friends.
I finished my last day of graduate classes today. I now have 10 days to finish 6 different assignments (30 pages of writing), write the introduction to my thesis (topic is still shaky), and finish up my internship before Christmas break (I'm getting my masters in teaching so I'm in a classroom while doing all of this).
I'm in panic mode. Totally freaking out. I'm worried that I can't get it done.
All the anxiety has made me over analyze my actions and my ability to be a good teacher. I have always had social anxiety and it is a billion times worse now, and it has impacted my ability to do my job.
I was really close with my narcissistic father and cut him out of my life this quarter, and that made me depressed, and my sister has advanced kidney disease and doesn't have a strong prognosis. That didn't help either.
An issue I am struggling with as a result is lying. I had to get extensions on some of my work this quarter due to depression. I've lied to my mentor teacher and in-laws about how far behind I am in my homework because I don't want a lecture or people to think I'm lazy. I exaggerated my sister's illness to get the extensions I got because I didn't want to disclose my depression and bipolar disorder to the university that will be recommending me to certifications and writing me letters of recommendation. At some point I decided to stop lying, but now I'm having a hard time because eventually I have to fess up to the people I lied to, and how do you explain that and still keep your job and reputation, and not get in trouble/kicked out of your university?
Today I lied to a girl in my cohort about what my boyfriend and I did for our anniversary because I know she would be super judgemental about it. We got a descent hotel room, took a bath, ate room service, and just relaxed for a night. I felt obligated to make up a story about going to a nice restaurant, it was all romantic, yada yada yada. And now I'll think about it for like a week.
Someone please help me survive/fix this/give me an anecdotal story.
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self.bipolar
|
Welp, I'm fucked So I work at a retail store, and I'm pretty sure I'm about to be fired. In my store, they have a self checkout lane that I have to watch for a couple hours at a time. One day last month, my manager came to me and told me that they expect us to catch at least one person trying to steal or leaving something in their cart and trying to leave with it per shift. To me that felt like a ridiculous quota to have to hit, and it doesn't take into account the fact that if I'm talking to people and paying attention, they're less likely to steal.
So I found a solution that I thought would keep them off my back while not making the store lose any money. If I didn't catch someone by the end of my shift, I would record some item that somebody left behind as an item that they forgot in their cart but didn't want (basically I'd claim that they were *going* to leave the store with it, but that they choose not to purchase it when confronted).
Here's the problem; apparently I was overzealous. I "saved" the store the most money out of all the cashiers, and now they want to put my face on the wall, but first they're going to check the cameras to make sure I did what I said. Therein lies the rub. I didn't, so I'm officially fucked.
I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was anxious that I was going to lose my job if I didn't. So now I'm anxious that I'm going to lose my job since I did. I guess anxiety just breeds bad decisions, which breeds anxiety. Fuck me.
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self.Anxiety
|
I (33/m), known as an upbeat, positive dude, going through some stuff I'm known as Mr. Positivity to even my closest of friends. Honestly though, I battle body insecurity (I'm a thin man), depression caused by loneliness, anxiety from financial struggles, and I often find myself playing the "what if" game.
The thing is I know better. I teach others how to cope with these things and sometimes I struggle coping. It's tough for me to find someone to talk to about all of this, because I am trying to keep up the perception.
Bottom line: I've helped a lot more people go through what I'm going through and I can't seem to follow my own advices. Just needed to throw that out to the Redditverse
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self.offmychest
|
I'm getting urges again I just need someone to vent to, to tell shit to that i haven't told anyone. I feel like I don't know anyone around me anymore, so I can't talk to them. And I really just want to die. I barely know myself anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I've had depression for several years. How do I not lose hope and keep fighting my depression? (21f) [deleted]
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self.depression
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Happy or manic? (Type 1) How do you know if youre just genuinely happy, or just manic? Ive been on abilify for a couple weeks and ive felt happy, im feeling myself, im more active and interested in my previous hobbies. Ive been going through some major life changes that werent really in my favor. So im a tad worried that mania is just making me okay and not super overwhelmed and devastated. I had a bit of a depressed episode for a week, and now im okay. Any thoughts?
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self.bipolar
|
He always says he will die young..
A very close friend who I dated for a while was later diagnosed BP2, I am not BP. He will often make comments that he will die young and won’t be around later in life. I ask if he feels suicidal, he says no, he’s convinced he’ll die of a heart attack.
I know BP can have a higher risk of suicide - I get terrified when I hear these comments.
Anyone else been there? Said these things? Advice in general?
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self.bipolar
|
Anxiety is starting to severely impact my relationship and I need help I’ll try and make this as short as possible. The basic issue is, my boyfriend of three years has a really large family (5 brothers and sisters, a couple of which are married/dating plus his two parents). I come from a small family of just me and my mom and brother, so it was a culture shock at first. And over the time we’ve been together, my social anxiety has worsened, and I also have a sound hypersensitivity condition (misophonia), which has a trigger of eating or basically any mouth noises. So over the past 6 months-year or so, it’s been really difficult for me to be around his family and his tolerance for it is really starting to wear down. Whenever we’re all together at their family home, I almost always end up in a corner by myself because it’s just so many people and they’re usually eating and it feels like baptism by fire sometimes. And I know it’s so unfair for me to make him choose between me and his family, especially because he’s so close to them.
He’s told me that this is becoming a problem for him (I don’t like it either, of course) and he’s not close to thinking about breaking up with me, but he does want it to be fixed. He also said that he wants to help me however he can. I’ve already started going back to therapy but I’ve had trouble coordinating my schedule so I can go regularly, but it’s been helpful so far. The thing is, I’m so keenly aware of my problems I just don’t know how to overcome them. And it’s difficult sometimes because for example, I have to choose between sitting by myself and only being a little bit in a bad mood, or sitting with the group and being in physical pain because of my sound issues and still be really closed off. I have to find a middle ground but it’s terribly difficult. His family knows about my issues with noises but it’s hard to tell people to stop eating or doing completely normal things, and I don’t feel like they’d be as receptive to helping me out as my boyfriend thinks they would be.
So I guess I need advice about how to begin to overcome these problems. How can I prepare myself for being in large groups? I’m longing for the times when I’ve been able to enter a large group seamlessly and be the “class clown”. How can I tell my boyfriend to help me? What’s the appropriate thing to ask for? I don’t even know if I know what I need at this point but it might feel better to tell him something. I really love him so much and it’s not only unfair to him for me to act this way, it’s really unfair to me and I don’t want to live like this. Please help.
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self.Anxiety
|
What's the point of failing 24/7? Literally, everything I've ever done has ended up being a failure. I've done nothing in my life that I can be proud of. I've achieved nothing in my life and I never will because I'm braindead and autistic. I seriously see no point in just being a constant fucking failure while literally everyone is so fucking happy and they're constantly succeeding. What the fuck did I do to live in such pain? Why do I deserve all this suffering?
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self.depression
|
I've come to terms with something For the longest time I've been messed up by this, but I think I've finally come to terms of the fact that I'll die alone. That might be a bit far, yes, but what I mean is that I'm not cut out for love. I'm not gonna get someone I love. I'm not able to maintain a realitionship or do a hookup, and I'm fine with that. I'm not going to chase a dream that can never be fulfilled anymore.
You may be asking: "if he's really come to terms with this, why is he posting this?". I don't know, I just feel like it was a good way to get it out of my system
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self.offmychest
|
Is there anything worse than having other people confirm your own insecurities? Fuck
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self.depression
|
Am Incel. Finally gonna turn 21 next month. Thinking of ending it all. Im almost done with life. It's been nothing but a nightmare. I hate myself and wish I wasn't born. Ive decided to end it all next month. I hope death treats me better.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Nothing is getting better Hello, I don't really know where to start. I guess for a little background info, I have depression, anxiety, and OCD. I've been self harming for 6 and a half years, my longest clean streak only being three months.
Recently things have been pretty rough for me. I'm not too sure why but I've been very down for no reason. Self harming more often and more severe and thinking about suicide.
There's been a lot of drama in my life but I didn't think it would affect me as much as it has.
On Friday night I cut to fat for the first time. It was scary but also exciting. I gave my blades to my friend because I couldn't trust myself. Something about the deepness was appealing. Since then I've been thinking about slitting my wrists enough to kill me or downing all of my medication.
Late Sunday night / early Monday morning it got bad. I figured out I was getting cheated on. I immediately broke down. I wanted to cut out my friend had my tools, I thought about just taking all the pills I could find. Anything. I messaged my friend instead and ended up driving home (I live on campus).
So I drove 2 hours in the dark with only 4 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. I either can't sleep or sleep all day, I can't eat, I can't stop thinking or shaking and suicide just seems like the right way to go. I know it's where I'll end up eventually anyways.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Am I so used to anxiety that I am bored when its not there? I think its really difficult to feel calm for me, and whenever there is nothing to be anxious about, my mind seeks out any reason to be anxious about. Its like I trained my brain to never shut up, so intrusive thoughts are becoming more like an invitation when I feel thats things are too relaxed. Anyone had this?
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self.Anxiety
|
Making to the first appointment? My PCP has placed me on Lexapro at my request, but has acknowledged it might not be the right medication for me. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in February...but that seems so far away.
I have started struggling with the impulse to hit people as well as imagining injuring people (like dislocating shoulders...not like maim or murder). My PCP is uncomfortable changing my medication and would rather that piece be handled by the psychiatrist.
What are my options at this point? With the medication I want to punch people...without it i want to die...I just need advice to bridge the gap.
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self.depression
|
Alright I’m in denial but I think my depression is coming back [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Handling grades? I am in my first year of grad school. Most of my classes have had lots of points from participation/presentations/papers. However, my research class only has 100 points total for the entire class.
Two weeks ago we turned in our methodology for our research proposals.
I checked grades today. I got a 10/15. It has brought my grade down drastically. And we were told that he would not regrade the papers when they are turned in for the full proposal. Meaning I have no chance to rectify this.
I don't even know what I did wrong because he writes notes on the paper copies and we didn't have class this week to get them back.
I don't know how to handle this. I'm at work trying not to cry and I keep feeling like I can't breathe. And Im only halfway through a 12 hour day.
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self.Anxiety
|
Been off Prozac 6 months and life is hell [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I've dealt with anxiety/Depression for years, but I've always refused meds due to work. Looks like that's about to change and I don't know what to expect. I want to know your stories and experiences. First off, sorry if this is improper format or the wrong place. I read the rules in the sidebar and it seemed ok.
I spent the last 7 years in the military and over time, depression and anxiety built up. It got bad. When the anxiety was at its worst, I couldn't sleep for more than 2-3 hours a night. I experienced sleep paralysis almost nightly. I couldn't think clearly. Everything was just a fog. I was seeing people/faces out of the corner of my eye. I heard voices on occasion. I couldn't function. But, I had a security clearance, so going on meds meant that I couldn't do my job. That would only add more stress and make it all worse.
So, now, I chose to get out. I've been out for 4 months now. The VA is just now starting to look into treatment and acknowledging my claim. I've spoken to 3 doctors and they all seemed to lean towards medication.
When considering meds, I've got a lot of concerns that come to mind.
Now, in my current job, I hate my boss (temporary boss, only 1-2 more months). I've blown up at her for how she treats the employees. I've been tempted to walk out. I'm worried that if I go on an anxiety med, I might stop giving a fuck and walk out. I've worked with people who just seemed to stop caring about anything when they started meds.
I'm working on my bachelors with intention of going into medicine. I need to maintain a high GPA to get selected for med school. What if my anxiety over failing is the only thing keeping my grades up? One bad semester, while figuring out a dosage, would be all that it takes to ruin my chances.
Another concern is... well... sex. I'm so caught up in my own head during the act that I can't finish. Then I start to realize it's taking me too long and that she is probably judging me over it and that just makes it worse. Bright side is, I can go for hours, I guess. Maybe meds could help me relax and fix this aspect of my life.
I'm just really worried about losing a part of personality if I pursue this kind of treatment. Even though anxiety is weight on my mind and on my life, it's still a big part of each. Am I better off just bearing with it?
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self.Anxiety
|
My doctor keeps pushing sSRI's on me after I've refused [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I love my girlfriend, but I feel unhappy in our relationship. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Id rather die than live of welfare. Yes i would rather die than live off welfare. I know i am probably not able to work because of my disability. But i will never, live of welfare or disability benefits, i rather die. I rather kill myself. If i can't live independently i deserve to die. That's the surviving of the fittest. If i can't support myself i deserve to die too. In the past disabled would be killed if they can't survive. I don't think we should reward the lazy and the unfit. And if i am unable to live independently too, i don't deserve to live off others labour. I don't think suicide would be wrong in this case because i am a burden. What do you think?
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self.depression
|
Help me I’ve been on anxiety and depression pills and they aren’t working. I’ve also been prescribed trazadone for sleep but I can’t sleep. I lay here wide awake and it’s tearing me up. I am feeling so much anxiety right now. I literally broke down crying cus I can’t fall asleep as I can’t rn
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self.Anxiety
|
I can build mountains with my bare hands, But my fingertips are dynamite.
Why am I so self destructive?
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self.depression
|
My job makes me miserable and I'm too miserable to look for a new one [deleted]
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self.depression
|
is it really this hard to admit that yes, i feel so lonely and empty [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I have weird thought patterns. I feel like if I take off my clothes in front of a picture of somebody else then I'm going to turn into them because of the alignment of my body and their picture and there is some meaning to that. It's quite scary. I'm not even sure what it is. I constantly seek reassurance that these things aren't going to happen and feel better when somebody tells me it won't. Please help.
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self.Anxiety
|
" Thry told me to pour my heart into everything I do. Now they ask why I'm so empty." I've poured and poured, constantly. Yet I seem to never find someone capable of reciprocating the love. Cheated on twice, and "Friendzoned" by someone who was just simply using me for personal gain. I don't have anything left, and I'm broken. I really wonder how peaceful the after life can be sometimes. Maybe it's nothing, a plus. Maybe it's what we always dreamt of, a plus. Who knows.
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self.depression
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I think it might be my time to go ? [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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what are psychiatric evaluations like? hey all, I'm a 15 year old girl, just started high school, recently started seeking help for my worsening mental state that i kept secret for almost 3 years out of fear of being ignored or ridiculed, blah blah blah. i have a psychiatric evaluation in less than a month, and i have absolutely no idea what to expect. can anyone help me in the comments by telling me what i can expect? what kind of questions are asked? what it's like overall? thank you all so much in advance. i'm just so anxious.
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self.depression
|
It's Not As Simple As Just Not Caring I hate when family lectures from a point of ignorance but still manages to stir up ingrained guilty conscience [triggers?] and personal insecurities.
Very old fashioned working Greek immigrant grandmother-in-law lectures on job market, brushing out dreads, why ever get a nose ring, and get pregnant [young aka now]! All in broken English over delicious food and hospitality.
I need fresh air and trees now but I just want to curl up and hug my pillow.
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self.Anxiety
|
Can anyone give me one reason to remain alive? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
To weak for suicide I want to die so bad , but i know i will not be able to do it Becous of my mother who i love.
When im close to a atempt the thought of hurting her stops me from doing anything.
Still im scared that 1 day i will feel so bad that even that tought wont stop me and that i will go trough with it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My name is for her, but I'm the one at this moment who needs help Hi all,
Throwaway and all that nonsense. First and foremost, I'm scared. She cried today and was unable to work because I no longer function. I'm not able to reply straight away, but can and will.
I don't want to do what I do anymore. I want to help. I feel compelled to help others. Those less fortunate than I am.
I turn to Reddit, because it's helped me in the past. How can I survive?
Thanks.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My friend committed suicide on the day after I saw him for the last time. So a really good friend of mine that I knew for 10 years committed suicide on the 26th of December of 2017. This has made me feel very insecure and almost depressed. He lived 40+ minutes away from me. But the thing is he told me that we will go to Arizona to check out a school there. And we were supposed to hang out on Thursday the 28th. But I have no idea what caused him to take his life. I got the call from his aunt at 11pm on that Tuesday as I was going to bed that he is in the hospital. And my mom came in my room later and told me that his mom told her that he hung himself. I did not talk to or see him that day. But earlier that day he uploaded a Snapchat video of him watching Lord of The Rings on a Macbook Pro. And the regret I already have is why did I not talk to him on that day? That's what is bothering me about my friends death the most. Is that I wish I asked him if he wants to hang out with me on that day. But I had no idea that he was gonna do this because there were no warning signs or I did not get any feelings that he was gonna do this. But he smoked weed alot and I heard later that he took XANAX(anti-anxiety pill) and mixed it with weed and painkillers. But I am not sure if that was the cause of his death. I asked my Parents and Friends about why do I have such a regret of not reaching out to my friend that day because I wish I reached out to him and ask "Hey wanna hang out?" or something? But they keep telling me to not have such regrets and there was no way that I was going to prevent my friends suicide. Why do I keep feeling guilty? I miss my friend. And I wish he was still here physically. But I heard he had depression and he never told me that he actually had depression. I miss my friend and I want him to be physically here again. What do I do? On the Monday(1 day earlier) that I saw him he was completely normal I did not notice anything strange in him his suicide just completely caught me by surprise. The 25th of December of 2017 is the last time I saw my friend.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Everyone feels like a stranger. Everyone feels like a stranger to me, I have nobody I can be comfortable around, and it feels like I have no real home. I'm constantly lonely, and the only thing I trust is my cat.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
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