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People who moved from an SSRI to an SNRI, how was your experience? Considering asking my doctor for an SNRI. I hate SSRI’s, was on them years ago, never again.
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self.Anxiety
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Is it possible for Derealization to be my only symptom? I have been getting Derealization lately, and I’m wondering if it could be from anxiety even though I don’t have typical anxiety symptoms along with it.
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self.Anxiety
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[LENGTHY] People die, friends go, I am scared what happens in the future As this is my first post here I'd just personally like to include some information about myself. I am a young adult in his early 20s. I've had depression for who knows how long, easily 6 years now. I was actually diagnosed with chronic depression last year and I am in professional help.
What I am afraid of is the future and what it holds for my family and close ones, as well as me.
As the title suggests I've had some rough times in my social life. I haven't had much experience with death in my life. I've been to 2 funerals and both deaths were from naturals causes. I've had one, a little distant, friend die by drowning. He wasn't that close but it really hit hard my other friend whom I knew better.
But now, things are a little too fucked up. First my closest friend, or at least someone who I thought was my closest friend, known him for 17 years, just snaps and gets mad at me (over a video game loot thingy I don't fucking know). It all sounds so absurd and I still don't know what really happened inside his mind. We talked about it (over Steam, not even face to face) and he thought everything was fine. Who the hell really thinks everything is fine after getting mad and not talking to me and then finally fucking connecting me via video gaming platform to make it all up? But what could've I done really? I don't know. How can I bring it up again if he thinks everything is okay...
Then, my dog dies. Just a few weeks before christmas. He had dementia which is so very different on a dog than a human being (my mother's cousin's mother has it so I've seen it up close on a human being too) so we had to put it down. I was heartbroken for quite some time but eventually I "got over it". I was functional after that.
Then fucking wow bam, this same "friend" gets mad over Dota 2 match or some shit with my other friend that said something about getting shit matches with this other friend and he takes it personally. Then he deletes a chat group which, mind you, wasn't that small. There were more than 10 people in it already, some of them I didn't even know. So a few days go forward and my friend deletes me from every place possible. From the phone apps, Steam, other gaming shit, other computer calling stuff, you know them and when I contacted him about this he just flips. While I have to admit I could've been more active to talk to him but how can I when he completely made my trust disappear towards him. But the problem was he just fucking snapped. Worse than me. He has always been quite egoistic, which isn't straight away a bad thing, but when it gets to this level where he thinks he is always right and everyone is wrong it gets fucking tiring. I'm not the only who's saying it now and I fear I broke the connections between my other friends to him.
But a few weeks pass and today, 8th of January, I get a message from my mother. Or it was our family Whatsapp group telling our dear friend had died 6th of January. She was 50-something. What the fuck. She had a husband and a 14 year old kid. And now they are without a loving woman in their lives. What the fuck is really happening? My last year has been a really tough thing to get through but this last 2 months has been hellish.
I've lost trust to a lot of my friends, which isn't really a huge group, I'm scared that will my mother survive all this and how the fuck am I able to work with my own problems when shit like this piles up. I am so fucking done.
This is just the recent two months of my life... I'm not sure what to do. I feel numb. Just as I was finally feeling... something! And now I am back at the square one. I am tired and just so damn done.
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self.depression
|
Wounds in my heart are too deep and it's not getting better It was said that time heal things. But it looks like it doesn't for me. My dad has been mentally ill for 2 years and year ago he almost stabbed to death my mother, sister and me. He has hit multiple veins in the neck but luckily no arteries. Due to that I suffer PTSD.
My mother health has been terribly crippled and altough my sister is physically ok, she still wakes up in cold sveats every night.
I myself besides PTSD suffer with bad genetics and due to that I battle multiple health problems everyday. Recently I also started to have back my transgender thoughts and if I would decide to transition in a future it would mean I would certainly lose my fiance ( we talked about this) .
I also have a mortgage and my business is tanking so even though I'm going extra to regular job I won't have money to pay. Basically now within a year me, sister and mother we all will be homeless. Only thing that has been stopping me so far from doing anything drastic has been the fact that I couldn't stand if my loved ones would be so terribly broken, but I'm not sure if I can hold any longer. This has been brewing inside me for some time and I'm ready to go.
Only thing I care about is that it would be painless so I had to find the method that suits me the most. I actually like exit bag method. You just get some some bag with tight closing, helium bomb and then you slowly drift to sleep. The good thing about this is that I have insurance therefore my death may pay for our debts and mother and sister will have a place to live.
I'm very sorry if I ruined day to some of you, because giving joy and being kind to other people was a thing that was making me happy the most. Sorry.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think you're a bad parent You don't spend enough time interacting with your child. Netflix is not a replacement for proper nurturing. Snapchat is not more important than being a parent.
Yes you do what you need to. You provide. But how much parenting do you actually do? When was the last time you took him to a park? When was the last time you did anything during the week other than watch TV and send him to bed WAY to early so you can watch your shitty fucking shows with your boyfriend. Who still isn't living here, even though he's stayed here every night for two months, but you're right, dude doesn't live here.
Your priorities are fucked. You're fucked. Get it fucking together
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self.offmychest
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Guess I should tell someone 45, been suicidal on and off my whole life. First attempted at 11. Maternal grandfather committed suicide. Mother/myself have depression.
I have figured out how to kill myself and my cats (there will be nowhere for them to go,they are 16, and the female will be unadoptable. Better I soothe them and me at the end)
My dysfunctional parents fucked me up, and I ran with it as an adult.
Long story short, within a week or so, I won’t be able to work anymore. Through a number of bad choices and a horrible 20+year relationship, I owe the taxman, and my wages will be siezed. Recently out of that relationship, too depressed to do anything but work, and laundry, I’ve been unable to save any money. I’ll be homeless next month. My parents cannot/will not help.
I’ve always figured I would kill myself. I believe it would only hurt 1 person to find out I’m dead. Sure, others would be sad. But I’ve reached out to most people I know, and still have no good reasons to go on
I am sad and crying, yet solid in my choice.
Today, I will empty my car and go to the local Home Depot and buy some hose. Tonight, I will cook a steak over a driftwood fire on the beach.
Tomorrow I will finish up some important work for my boss
Then some time during the next 7 days, I will load up the car with my 2 cats, drive out to a rural, remote area, and hook up my hose to my tailpipe. I’ve already made a thing to go in my back window. I will take all the pills I have and soothe my cats to sleep. Then I will turn the engine on and pass out from the pills. I’m not going to fail this time
I have posted here to give the universe/god/karma a chance to step in
I’d rather be dead than homeless again
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Exams and deadlines driving me crazy I'm so done with school, I never have the motivation, I'm lazy and I always procrastinate. But at the same time I don't want to fail. I feel like no matter how much time I get, I will never use the time properly. When I do try to work hard, I get tired afte a little bit, I always feel mentally exhausted😭😭😭 How do you guys deal with school/work???
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self.depression
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Bittersweet night yesterday. Now I'm sad but I wanted to share this with someone. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My crush’s past is so devestating... She no longer believes in love and doesnt really trust anyone or talk to anyone. Idk what to do... [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't know how I feel Hi, I wanted to say that I was doubting between this subreddit and /r/relationship_advice but ultimately I chose this one because of the simple reason that while any insight is appreciated, I truly want to get it off my chest more.
I (22, male) recently started talking a lot more with a girl (21), let's call her Marie, who I've known for a few years now. I got to know her because she was together with one of my friends (they've been broken up for +3 years now). The guy is now dating someone else and it's pretty serious (they live together etc).
So as I said recently Marie and I got a lot closer, we talk more, we meet up occassionaly, we have a good time at parties (just talking and screwing around). However I'm not sure how I feel about her. Sometimes I feel like I love her then other times I feel like there's barely anything there, save friendship.
I don't feel like confessing this to her will help me out at all because I'm pretty sure she has none of these feelings I have. Not to mention that she's physically out of my league. I also don't feel like making a fool out of myself and potentially screwing up a friendship that will never be anything else. I've been hurt before by putting myself out there and it's been a rough road for me to even have romantic feelings for a person, even if they're as precarious as mine.
TLDR: Scared to tell a girl how I feel because I don't know what I feel. Also she's my friend's ex. Chances are 99% she's only in to me as a friend.
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self.offmychest
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Is it the end? 2017 was really bad and traumatic for me i went depressed the whole year even before it and if nothing changed in 2018 i think i am ending it i might kill myself 2018 would be the last chance to stay alive if it the same it's over.(sorry for my english)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Power saw suicide I don't own any guns, so I can't blow my head off, but I was considering a power saw suicide where you take an electric saw and slash your neck open from the side. You don't need a license to have a chainsaw or power saw. Im just so full of self hatred that all I want to do is self harm and die in a brutal way. Thats the best way for the likes of me to go. Because I hate myself honestly, and I hate my life. I am angry at god for giving me the features and life he gave me, and at this point I feel there is no god because if there was, he would make the world fair. He would give me better physical traits and a better personality. BUT NO, Ive got the worst physical traits I could have possibly been given. So to slash my neck open and bleed to death honestly fits the way I should go. It would do justice to my self loathe to destroy the ugly shit body that has given me so much grief. I absolutely cannot live until I become old like this. At some point I wont be able to take it anymore. Im just going to die and angry self hating young man, and hopefully in a next life, i'll be born as something a little less repulsive.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
In a funk. I know how to get out of it, I just don't. I think. I can't bring myself to do what I think I need to do in order to improve. I'm 31, married, with four kids and the fifth due any day now. I lost my job at the beginning of December after crafting a great career for myself, because I got careless and stopped putting forth the effort. I'm massively overweight, but rather than do the things I've done before to shed the pounds, I just keep stuffing my face. I sleep every chance I get. I feel worthless to my wife and kids. We've got unemployment coming in, so there's that. But I'm 0/4 on job interviews that would have been equal to my previous position, so now I'm looking at almost entry level positions in my field.
I just feel like such a failure as a husband and father, and general human being. I haven't had a real friend since my family and I moved back to Texas from Florida in 2015. All the close friends I had in Florida are now nothing more than a few Facebook comments here and there.
I don't know if I can do what I think I need to do in order to be who I need to be. It all seems to be too much. I can't talk to my wife about it, because as much as I love her and as wonderful as she is, I just get told that I'm great and she loves me. That's nice and all, but it doesn't help me.
I just needed to say this. I don't know why.
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self.depression
|
Could emotional abuse as a child lead to depression an anxiety? - Hi all, [throwaway acc]
I am 19[M], and for the past 5 years I have had depression and anxiety [self diagnosed]. I never went to seek help simply because I was too scared. I have been overweight my whole life. was 200lbs when I was 12..
I can't remember any of the good things that happened to me when was a child. All I remember is being heavily bullied by my brothers everyday for most of my childhood and often at school. But it all stopped when I turned 13 and decided to take up sport.
My high school life has been pretty good. good friends, good grades. Was always the nice person and still to this day I'm lucky enough to have 2-3 close friends.
I have forgiven my brothers because they were young too. They're all living happy lives and we are very close now and I love them dearly.
Ever since I was 15 I always had depression and anxiety but I could never figure out why. Now upon researching and going the therapy for the first time I think it could be because of it. Because nothing else bad happened in my life. My childhood is very vauge, I can't remember when specific things happened, I only know that it did happen.
I've had tried getting a job but keep leaving after the first week. Depression and anxiety gets to me everyday and I keep thinking negatively.
Living under and Asian household, it's a given that your parents expect the best from you. But I feel like I am failing them. I have tried approaching them about my state when I was younger but they just said I was lazy.
I've become hopeless. I only talk to my friends 2-3 times a month. Social anxiety, low energy, sport isnt as fun to me anymore, increased heartrate, feel my heart beating out of chest. All symptoms of depression and anxiety.
I've had people tell me that it will get better but 5 years on it hasnt.
I just wanted to get this out.
Thanks to everyone who spent their time reading this.
EDIT: Nobody knows what I'm going through. I've kept this to myself for years. But I may have a feeling that my brother's partner is concerned but I can't really tell.
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self.depression
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Unsupportive parents - help?! First time posting. Today was an exceptionally bad day...
I have depression. Or at least I think I do. I was diagnosed with depresson six months ago, and I went home with an armful of pills. Prior to this I’ve been scared of people, scared of society. I hadn’t been eating well for over a year and I just wanted to spend every day in bed, wishing that God would end my life. Needless to say, at 24 yrs old I didn’t have an income and I couldn’t keep a job.
Mum and dad discussed my condition immediately after I returned home from the hospital. They “decided” that psyciatrists were a means of cheating money out of people’s bank accounts, that they didn’t believe in depression and didn’t believe in treatment. Mum told me repeatedly how she used to have depression when she was raising my sister, “but when I think about being responsible for you two, I snapped out of it”, and so she thinks she knows what depression is like. She thinks she’s the expert because she’s “experienced” it, and that I’m simply lazy and irresponsible because I’m not “snapping out of it”. That I could be better if I wanted, but I’m just too lazy and irresponsible to do anything about this. I wasn’t allowed to go back to the doctor; she wasn’t going to pay for treatment and I didn’t have enough money to pay for it myself. She denies the existence of depression and other mental illnesses, and sees them as essentially a weakness of character.
I’ve been working for two months now and last week I quit the job. I simply couldn’t stand being around people; getting out of the house seemed like an impossible feat. I slept for 11 hours everyday but still I was anxious, tired and scared. I still couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t eat, and no-one around me noticed or cared that I hadn’t had any food in 40 hours. I’d wake up at 6, lie on the bed and think about how damn pointless life was. I felt like I needed a break. I needed a week to feel safe again, before I could bring myself to search for ways to earn money.
My mother has been yelling at me about how she wasn’t going to support me, how she didn’t have money (even though our family is quite well off and she just bought a new property a month ago) and if I didn’t “snap out of it” she’d rather donate all her belongings than leave them to me. I’ve been telling her to give me time, that yelling at me is making me worse (and even more frightened of human contact) but my mum seems to think that all my problems are self-imposed. She thinks if she doesn’t yell at me, I’d never get better, and I’d never “snap out of it”.
I told her one day, when I was feeling really angry and hurt, that I’ve been thinking about suicide for a long time and money troubles aren’t even on my radar right now. I told her that to try and shut her up, because she was going on about how you can’t survive in the world without money... how you’re practically nothing without money.
And here’s what she said - “See, this is what I think about people like you, who claim they have some huge mental disease and want to kill yourselves. Your parents have spent so much money raising you until you’re, what, 24? And you just want to throw that away. We spent so much to give you an exceptional education. I don’t know how you can be so selfish, so irresponsible, so utterly ungrateful.” And she didn’t regret anything she said.
The worst thing is that I had hope, and every time my mother speaks to me it’s like the hope literally shatters, and I’m left with nothing. Not even a will to live. I hate how fragile that hope is and how easily she could destroy it. I was thinking about getting a job as a freelance translator - not a very stable job, not a “proper job”, but it was something I’ve found on the internet, something I can do very well and that can pay enough to support me. It was even something I could do at home, so when the depression gets really bad I won’t have to force myself to see other people. I had planned to do that for a few months before moving out for good. But when I told my mum, she was like, “you’re always thinking but you never manage to do anything. Snap out of your self-absorbedness, snap out of your bubble and start earning money. Stop giving yourself excuses.”
When you’ve just confided your hopes and plans, and then hear something like that... it’s betrayal. It hurts more than I could say. Well, I just really, really wanted to make a dash for the kitchen, grab a knife and stab myself in the heart. For days after that I couldn’t even find the strength to get up, couldn’t find the strengh to open my eyes, much less turn on the computer and send my resume. I couldn’t do anything and my mother thinks my lack of action (or lack of life in general) confirms what she said about me “always thinking but never doing anything.” Then she proceeds to say worse things. And I get worse. And she says even worse things. And I... you get the idea. It’s a spiral, a circle, a cycle of cause-and-effect.
Many more times I’ve heard her badmouth her friends who aren’t as ambitious (or in her words, “responsible”) as she is. She says such hurtful things, even denouncing them as human beings, in an attempt to make me realise how she is a “role model” in comparison to her “useless” friends. Many times I wonder why they even are her friends. You don’t say your friends are “garbage” just because they earn less, want less and live a simpler life. I’m surprised how everyone seems to love her except me.
My dad is the kind of person who works 24/7 because he loves his job. He leaves all the parenting to my mum; a good thing, because I think he’s less even understanding and more harsh than my mum is. I hardly know my dad. Both of them think that since we’re pretty well off, there is no way I could be having any mental illness. They seem to think I needed to have been in a horrible physical or economic condition to “earn” depression, which is ridiculous. I haven’t always lived with depression and I certainly didn’t choose to live like this.
I have savings but not enough for me to move out, but if I don’t move out I’ll go crazy. I need to move out to be able to do anything. I need money to do that, but I can’t earn anything in an environment where my hopes are constantly shattered and my worth as a person is being constantly questioned. Due to depression I’ve lost contact with nearly all my old friends; the very few I have left have their own troubles and are in no position to help me. I really, really don’t know what to do.
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self.depression
|
Question How much of my life is my neighbors' business?
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self.bipolar
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How do i know if this gold chain is real? I did the water test and it passed i also did the bite taste and it passed i didnt buy the gold chain is it real gold wtf?
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self.offmychest
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I'm going to fail my math course All I had to do this semester was get above a C average in an intro to math course and I'm blowing it. I haven't yet taken the final but if my last 2 tests are any indicator I am just gonna fail it. I'm a failure and if I had just studied a little bit harder maybe I would be passing it.
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self.offmychest
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ADHD has brought me to the brink Even though i love the subject which i have taken up for my Masters(wildlife conservation), ADHD has prevented me from enjoying it fully or realizing my potential to the fullest. The way i see it, i have only 2 options-stop wasting my parents' money, and take up a pathetic job which pays me little and turns me into a social outcast, or kill myself. I really don't want to hurt my family even though they are insensitive to my condition. But i can't go in for therapy, and ADHD will burden me forever, so i will have to give up on my academic career. I feel ashamed even while writing this, at my age, i should be doing a lot better.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’ve been going through a nasty breakup and am alienating a lot of friends. [deleted]
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self.depression
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What is the point of being alive if I can’t find my happiness? I just don’t know why I don’t commit suicide and die
Life is full of pain and misery
I have done nothing wrong and I have tried so hard
but i just cannot find the happiness that I deserve
My Lord
I ask you for nothing but my happiness
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self.depression
|
Accepting bipolar and getting medicated First time posting here. Actually, I made a post earlier and deleted it because it was long. I am diagnosed BP1 (mixed episodes, rapid cycling), PTSD and ADHD. The meds I took only made things worse so I stopped. I've been fighting symptoms unmedicated due to subconscious fear and denial.
I had a psychotic episode last week that lasted a few days. At one point I recognized my delusions for what they were but the feelings didn't leave. I even had the presence of mind mind to mention inpatient. But I was too scared. So instead of taking it out on my husband verbally, I internalized. I have so much self loathing that I felt I deserved to be hurt. To die. I didn't deserve my family. But I couldn't abandon them either. I love them and they should have so much better than me.
In the past month or two I stopped taking care of myself. I feel so stressed. I force myself to eat once every other day. I haven't been showering or grooming in a while. Fighting addiction. Not sleeping. Car keeps breaking and I can't keep up with bills. I hate myself but want to change. Would you go to the new appointments or consider inpatient at this point? I have gotten a new job and I desperately want to excel there. What should I tell them?
I will get stable. I hope I never experience a psychotic episode again.
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self.bipolar
|
Sudden gasp of breath I have been dealing with anxiety for some years now. But i suddenly sometimes get random inhales which i do not control. These happen when im breathing normally. Then all of a sudden i inhale in a very strange way. It does not occur everyday. Is this a common anxiety symptom and are there any people who can relate??
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm fucked I've just walked out of lesson and i am currently sat in the toilets. I can't do this subject. I am so far behind i can't catch up and if i don't catch up i get kicked out of my other subjects too. I don't know what to fucking do. If i fuck this up like if fuck everything else up I'm fucked for life. I don't know what to do.
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self.depression
|
idk what to do anymore this might seem dramatic but i can feel my mental state deteriorating and it’s all because of school. my parents expect straight a’s from me and i simply can’t provide them with it anymore. im struggling to even get a’s and b’s because my three ap classes take all of my attention. i told them i have straight a’s because i have too much pride. i have a fucking c and i have been stressed for two months straight and i cannot go through the day without thinking about school. i wake up to get ready and i literally want to die just thinking about my grades and school. my teachers have no mercy and i just feel like a disappointment lately. i wanted to be a surgeon my whole life but now i just wanna stay home all day and think about if it’s all even worth it because now it seems like nothing even matters anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Paranoid or justified concern Diagnosed bipolar 2 October 2017, was put on a low dose lithium carbonate. Things were made a lot clearer. Come now 2018 I've had a mental break and I am very paranoid.
I went to a public mental health facility. I got to see a psychiatrist and I told him my story. He said I had anxiety and I was just emotional bc I'm a woman and said to double the lexapro I'm on.
I tried what he said and i went off tap. I was on high and at risk of hurting myself. I decided off that but I'm afraid if I tell him this stuff that he won't believe me anyway because I'm a female. Idk. I really don't know if it's my head or if it's rational feeling this way.
I'm getting a friend to come with me to the next session so she can help me get my point across.
I'm just wondering if yall had any advice
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know if this because of depression, or some other mental illness, but I figured this would be a good place to come by anyway. Lately I've just not felt myself, like I'm not good enough... for anyone. I feel extreme anxiety within, what I would like to call at least, my friend group. Around 5 months ago I broke from one of the worst groups of people I could have ever put myself into, I was always constantly harassed, attacked and just never felt wanted. Now I've found a new group of, what I hope to be, friends and am not treated poorly, but I feel like they talk bad about me behind my back and just fake liking me because they feel bad for me or something. I've brought up my declining mental health before to them and they said that they were there to talk at anytime I needed someone, but once again, I feel like they were just saying it to be nice, because the one time I did try to talk, I feel like I was immediately ignored. This has led to me bottling up all my emotions for the past 3 months, with, what I feel like, absolutely no one to talk to. I've driven myself mental with purely my thoughts when in silence sometimes. I'm constantly in silence, however, because I'm to scared to ask them to do anything because I feel like I'll immediately be shut down. I have no idea what to do, as this has only started happening recently, I blame on hormones since I'm 15, but I haven't a clue. As dumb as that may have been for you to read, thank you for doing so. I know it's not as severe as many posts on here, but like I stated before, I have no idea where to go/what to do.
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self.depression
|
I miss you Every time I wake up I look at my phone expecting a good morning text....knowing you’re not texting me anymore. I miss you more than anything I’m glad we’re on good terms but it hurts me knowing you really felt different enough to end our 3 year relationship. I did not see this coming. I love you so much you were an amazing girlfriend and best friend. I want you back so bad but if you felt the same you’d text me ...and I don’t want to try and force you back into a relationship. It hurts so much to watch you walk out of my life like that I’m so torn up over you. I’m jealous that you could do it so easily. Delete our memories from Instagram when I blocked you you didn’t say anything. I remember when we took a break in the beginning of our relationship and you were so crazy over me you wouldn’t let me take the break. I took that for granted. I miss you I miss you I miss you. I hope you text me ...Even though I know you won’t. People change I guess...
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self.offmychest
|
What meds work (and don't work) for you and why? I'm sick of the way my current med set has made me feel. I'm on lamotrigine and slow release bupropion. I used to take sertraline before the bupropion. I've been medicated for 4 years overall and have been on the bupropion for a year and a half. Sometime around the switch to bupropion (I can't remember if it was before or after), I started experiencing memory problems and lost a lot of my cognitive processing skills. The memory problems have been obnoxious - someone will tell me something and literally a minute later I won't remember the details. I'll forget that entire events happened or remember them going a different way. Before this my memory was great. I would hear or read something and retain all of the minute details for months. When I talk about losing my cognitive processing skills, I mean that I often can't think things through all of the way (I try to consider the best way to do something and get road blocks that prevent me from seeing other outcomes), I have issues remembering a lot of the English language (the only language I speak and also my best subject in school), I struggle to connect dots, etc.... I feel like I can't trust my mind and I don't know who I am any more. I've also been stewing in depression without realizing the full extent of the damage being done. I feel like I've lost all of my talents and, honestly, am a worthless human being since I can't contribute anything to anyone anymore. Naturally these problems have put a significant strain on my relationship with my fiance and it's brought me back to the deepest parts of my depression.
I want to change my meds but I'm terrified to out of fear that I'll get worse so I want to go to my psychiatrist with an educated decision instead of letting her just decide what to put me on next. I'm hoping that your experiences will lead me to something better that doesn't leave me feeling so useless and defeated.
TL;DR: read the title.
Thanks in advance!
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self.bipolar
|
Rejected from future housing - "violent and unstable" I was just told essentially that the place I interviewed at and was initially given a bid to live at was "concerned because they were unable to establish whether I am violent or prone to medical emergencies." I have never opened up to any of them so there has to be hearsay involved. I have never, even in my worst episodes, been violent towards anyone but myself. This is the second time in two years I've been denied housing due hearsay. I don't understand why people think living with me is a threat to them, or how they can justify that kind of rejection and discrimination. Yes, I struggle with a medical condition, but I'm still a fucking human being. Similar instances? Thoughts?
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self.bipolar
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Does anybody else not remember the last time they were happy? I haven’t felt happy in a while. I think the closest I’ve gotten is just this feeling of contentment, but that doesn’t last long either. Most of the time I just have this aching sadness in my chest. What about you guys?
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self.depression
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Lifestyle obsession. Do you ever feel that way ? Healthy people suck, they just can't face the truth. I don't know when it started, probably a decade ago or something, and i feel like no one gets it or thinks about it, but the healthy eating and lifestyle industry has taken over western society in a way that i find ridiculously depressing and stupid. You know what i'm talking about, don't smoke, don't drink, exercise, eat healthy. To me it's another way to brainwash kids into making them think that the healthy lifestyle, a house, a car, a respectable job and healthy food is the key to happiness. These people can't face the truth. I really feel like the hypocrisy of the modern normal lifestyle has increased and everyone accepts it. People used to joke about anti smoking ads. Now there are like millions of unnecessary studies about the food you shouldn't eat, and tons of really little stupid things like that. It's so ridiculous to me and i'm really alienated by it. These people spend their life trying to look like a lifestyle commercial ad. They are boring and they suck. Lifestyle obsession. Great, i'm now 100 years old, and still healthy. They just can't face the fucking reality. Their naivety makes me wanna puke. People starving their asses off in jungles and A students who at 25 realize how much their life sucks and that having a house and a respectable job couldn't be further from happiness. They told you were going to be a winner, and material possessions are the only thing you got.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I pushed away the only person i loved I loved this person so much.. but at the end of our time together i started taking the moments we spent with eachother for granted.. and as i slowly pushed her away from me.. she did some mean things.. and now that i now i have fully cut the rope to our relationship.. i see nothing else i look foward to later on.. i wake up everyday hating myself and feel extremely sad the entire day.. i have no more motivation and the only passions i had, i get no more joy out of.. i wake up every morning and go to bed everynight thinking about not being there anymore.. feeling sad constantly everyday really sucks the life out of me..
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self.SuicideWatch
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To Those of you that feel you hide it well. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just don’t know if I can make it any longer I have PTSD. For years, I’ve tried every medication, every therapy. Nothing makes it better. And now tonight, the one person who I can always talk to when I’m upset, has turned their back on me and said they don’t care. And I can’t describe it but having this person not care anymore is the last straw. They meant the world to me, the only true friend I’ve ever had. My life has been so painful with them, I can’t see anyway without them. I’ve made it through so much. I went from failing school and having nowhere to live to immigrating to a new country alone, getting my finances together and now being very close to going to law school. My family thinks I’m some success story. The truth is all I feel is sadness and crying everyday and I don’t see any hope for my future. I was better off homeless, at least then I didn’t have the trauma in my life yet.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m a 16 year old who I think may have an addiction to stealing and needs to talk about it. So some backstory: I’m a 16 year old boy, and I go to a private, boarding, high school. I’m privileged, my mom’s a lawyer and my dad an entrepreneur. I’ve had some of the best education you can get in the states my whole life but I’m scared I’m going to fuck everything up in my life and my dreams if I don’t get some help.
**Now to the actual stealing part**
Going to boarding school where the tuition is upwards of $50k a year, I’m surrounded by a LOT of extremely rich spoiled kids. I’m friends with some of them but seeing how much shit they can get and not think about it blows my mind. Last year as a freshman I began to become extremely jealous of their affluence and took a few $20 bills out of one of their wallets. They never noticed even though I thought they would (they had around $1400 in cash with them to last them the term and then a credit card with a monthly $4000 max) I began to take advantage of this and became obsessed with the idea of being overly wealthy. I wanted to adopt the rich lifestyle where the only clothing my friends would wear were Givenchi, yeezys, and other absurdly overpriced designer merchandise. I eventually took pictures of some of their credit cards because I didn't like the idea of going in and out of someones room in case someone caught me. I would use it to order food when I wanted to because they ordered it daily so I didn’t think they would ever notice (They never did). I soon started to use this to buy shit on amazon and other sites. Never a purchase of over $50-100 at a time, even though some of them would impulse buy things which costed $200+. I would then start slowly stealing 100’s of dollars at time from their wallets because they never noticed. They also never seemed to care if they lost a few $100. I’ve noticed one of them have recently changed their card and I can only assume that’s because they saw their were illicit purchases on their statements. This hasn’t seemed to stop me at all and it seems whenever I see a credit card lying out or a few dollars lying around that wouldn't be noticed if it were to go missing, I take it or take a picture of it. This has become totally first nature and I don’t think about doing it. I’m scared. I want to be a lawyer and be successful but I’m scared I’m going to fuck it all up and go to jail. I know a lot of you are going to call bullshit on this and that I’m a bad person and just be happy to the fact that I’m going to an elite boarding school. But I **REALLY** want to give this habit up.
I want any help or direction you guys can give. I’m genuinely scared and want to change but it’s so much easier said than done.
Edit: Please comment with some advice if you have any.
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self.offmychest
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Attempting to dehydrate myself to death.. again. The will to live doesn't exist in my life, and hasn't for a very long time, but it is getting worse lately. I'm a 32 year old female with 3 kids, no money, no friends or family, and no way out of this hell I'm trapped in. That is, of course, the shortened version of a life that really isn't a life at all.
Recently, I found my narcissistic husband cheating on me and kicked him out. Of course, being narcissistic he will never contact me again and never loved me in the first place. But when he went, he abandoned me with 3 kids and no way to support them, so I've resorted to selling everything I own just to get by. All furniture, all electronics, everything. Gone. I have nothing left to sell, and live in the middle of no where with no business within 65 miles to apply for a job at, and a crappy vehicle that can't transport me anyway.
The thing that gets me about all of this is, I have good credit. I have always taken care of my bills, I have always treated people as well as I could and if I ever did treat them poorly I feel awful and apologize. I've been a slave for years and only stayed because I didn't know what else to do, but I couldn't take it anymore. Because I stand up for myself, and try to improve my life, it gets worse?
So I sit around all day wondering if I'll get to eat tomorrow, or if my kids will be taken from me, or if my kids would be better off with someone else. I keep looking for just a small break, or anything at all to indicate that things will get better, but they don't. The number of times I have thought about being a prostitute would disgust you.
I have a gun, but will not shoot myself because I do not want my kids to find me all bloodied and be traumatized for life. So I decide to dehydrate myself to death, try, make it three days with no water or food (didn't want to risk getting water from the food and surviving) and I can't take it any more. I drink like 3 oz of water, but can't get up out of bed for the next 2 days. I was almost there, I know I was. One more day. I can do one more day, and I'm going to try again. This is all a shortened version of a horrible life filled with homelessness, starvation, rape, and torture at the hands of others. I just can't do it anymore, I believed once that things had changed and life crushed me harder than it ever had before. I feel like I lack emotion now, where there was so much. Money is always the problem, and money is not going away any time soon.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I lost my closest friend and it's all my fault To get it off my chest, we have been in contact for few years now i have grown myself to like a her a lot because i don't have many real friends so i got attached to her, emotionally. We understood each other. I liked her. She liked me. I could talk to her about little things, about everything that bothered me, about what was bothering her, we know things about ourselves that make our relationships kind of special, the problem is i fucked up hard. Lately i was getting major depressions and life have not been going well, i felt like she has to do something with it, i thought it was her deal too. It was not. I put too much pressure on her in order to care more.. i was stupid. I unintentionally pushed her away from me by saying stupid crap even though i really liked her. I can't say i loved her. I did not. But she is special, she is awesome girl. I'm just a piece of shit who don't know anything about relationships. Now, everything is just fucking gone. It's done. I fucked up for last time. I'm sad and I'm crying, i want to die now.. I liked her so much.. i hate myself.
Just needed to talk it out. thnx
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self.offmychest
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Therapy and personal questions. My therapist keeps saying I'm too vague. He told me to write down personal things about me and my personality and show it to him. I would rather not do so, but if I don't say anything meaningful, then why go at all? Now my parents are asking about it. "Discussing it will help___etc.)"
It won't. It is my broken personality, and I'd rather at least keep that to myself. I can't fix that with a discussion.
Has anyone else dealt with this?
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self.depression
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Schizophrenic or Bipolar? I was diagnosed with Bipolar II almost 3 years ago, I imagine due largely to the major depressive state I'm almost constantly in. I have experienced hypo-mania, but almost so infrequently that I can't even tell if I'm manic or not (lots of totally mixed/unwarranted emotions). My concern is that my mental health is deteriorating significantly, as of lately (the past 6 months) I have been experiencing a menagerie of visual, auditory, and kinesthetic hallucinations. Psychosis and the latter treatment through Latuda has been my diagnosis and prescription, however I still experience very invasive hallucinations at all and any times of the day (home, work, friend's houses). My hallucinations consist of seeing things (shadows, movement) in my peripheral vision as well as getting the sensation that something is touching/crawling on me, and I hear all kinds of wierd ass noises. My question is, has anyone else experienced this shit?
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self.bipolar
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I️ know that I️ have friends and family in my life that support me unconditionally, but why do I️ feel so alone? Finding myself struggle to wrap my head around it. l’ve great what many would say is the best support network you could ever ask for. Great family, lots of friends, etc.
But why is that I️ just feel so...lost? Like I️ feel so isolated from others where I️ long for a true, deep, meaningful connection where there is NO doubt that your presence is valued by that other person.
Sometimes I’ve thought while I️ know they support me, can’t possibly be THAT important to them. They’ve got their own lives to live.
I️ feel like it’s just me being depressed and giving in to my monkey mind but it really messes me up on what I️ feel is real and what actually IS real.
I️ don’t know if I️ made any sense at all, but can anyone relate?
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self.depression
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Withdrawing from my medication Hello…
I’m not really at risk, but I do feel quite awful to the extent that it’s overriding my fear of posting. So…
Basically I’ve been severely depressed for years, with no drug or treatment making any real difference, until recently having to work and function independently pushed me so close to cracking completely that I came urgently under the care of a psychiatrist (I live in the UK so that is uh… serious? I mean that the waiting lists are huge and it’s uncommon for them to be too involved in a “mundane” condition like depression).
So, through a combination of them being extremely reasonable and kind, and my being a pharmacist, I was able to get on Nardil, which changed my life (it was like a genuine happy pill and felt like it gave me therapy too—it’s indescribable how effective it was and how thoroughly my thought processes changed).
Anyway, it’s a few months later and I have to come off it due to bad liver results. I’m down from 75mg to 30mg and it feels like a negative dose: I’m crying before I’m conscious, all I can do is be cocooned in bed, and I get into a terribly upsetting state when I’m Skyping with my girlfriend where I want to talk and be happy but I can barely say a word. The most minor and irrational things cause rumination and a plummeting mood, and I’m already stuffing myself with eBay lithium to take the edge off hahaha (it does stop the tears).
It feels like Flowers for Algernon in that I’m watching my capacity to be a happy or content person flow down the drain in front of me. I have hope, in that after a fortnight of no drug, I’m being started on Parnate instead, but in the meantime, this is ridiculous.
I’m not sure I’ll be able to respond to any comments but I am very grateful and, again, am really more just very sad than actively at any form of risk.
Thanks for your time!
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self.SuicideWatch
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Been trying to get to a psychiatrist for a while, got bullshit instead [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I'm honestly so unhappy And I feel sorry for myself, it justs breaks my heart.
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self.depression
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I need to talk, i can't endure that anymore Hello, first i don't know if i can trust people on me, and if posting here is safe, i don't know to have more troubles.
Second, i don't know where to begin to tell you my story, there is so much to say and it's hard to think about all of that.
I'm, 23 and i feel like I can't do good things of my life, I feel too old, i did only shit since i'm born, ruining everything. I have achieved totally 0.
Theses last monthes are the worst of my life, I lost everything, my appartement, my girlfriend, my studies, my best friend, all of my friends... My family is a joke, they don't care at all, they are not living together either. All my life is a joke.
The worst part is how all of this things happenned to me, i can't handle this, i can't live with this regrets, and this solitude. It just burn me inside of me. I think about that all of the day, when i wake up when i go to bed...
It's never gonna get better. I'm so tired of everything.
Am I anonymous here ? Can they find me ? I would like to tell more of my story to see point of view of others maybe, and for leave a trace i guess.
Sorry for my english, i'm even shit at this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Met the girl my boyfriend considered dating instead of me... My boyfriend accidentally let slip a few weeks ago that one of the girls we were meeting at a party that weekend was a) someone he used to flirt with regularly and b) who he would have asked out if he hadn't met me
This has been stuck in my head since and I wish I could just let it go, but I am struggling.
Obviously I know I am biased. Knowing the two above things did not predispose me to liking her. But having met her, I have lost a fair amount of respect for my boyfriend, and I'm concerned about what her behaviour says about why he likes me.
I tried hard to at least get along with her. But I don't think I've ever disliked someone quite so fast.
She is one of those people who constantly tells you how amazing she is at everything, and one-ups everything.
In a conversation about university, she told us about all of the subjects she got the highest grades of her class in.
Another friend of mine has lost a load of weight, but of course, needed to hear about this girl's gym routine because it's better than what they've been doing.
Basically, if you'd read a good book, this girl had written the sequel.
It didn't matter what the topic was, she weighed in with her anecdote about her.
She posts selfies with comments like "Tell me I look gorgeous", and posts asking for people's favorite thing about her and just...ugh.
And I can't really shake the thought "if THIS is what my boyfriend finds attractive, wtf is wrong with me?"
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self.offmychest
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Lymph node concerns Hey guys, hypochondriac here. Looking for some advice/support/comfort.
I have had, for nearly a year now, really bad hypochondria. Back in June, I had an extreme concern of an enlarged lymph node, which I of course thought was lymphoma and I had 2 weeks to live. Talking to people close to me helped, but I eventually ended up at an urgent care, where they said I was fine. Shortly afterwards, I suffered a bad injury, and I've been healing ever since. I'm nearly 100% healed now, and I'm back to worrying about my lymph node in my neck.
I had tons of blood tests while in the hospital, as well as a nearly full body CT scan and even an MRI. Everything was fine. My PCP dismissed it as being perfectly fine, and just my anxiety. But I can't help feeling that it's something like cancer, and I'm gonna die any day now.
It's definitely a little enlarged, as I can see it thru my skin when I turn my head. While thinking about it, I'll occasionally feel some pain in that side of my neck in short 1-2 minute bursts (makes me believe it's just anxiety and nothing real).
Has anyone else had a similar situation? I feel like I'm alone here and that I'm either completely crazy for feeling like this, or I actually have something wrong. Before I send myself to the hospital and waste $5000 just because of anxiety, I'm reaching out here.
Thank you!
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety and hypoglycemia Hi all,
I have been battling against anxiety and some obscure health issue for a while now. I have noticed recently that my anxiety is correlated to food (either before or an hour after). Could this be reactive hypoglycemia? Anybody has this issue?
Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
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I️ feel happy until something slightly bad happens to me and then I️ feel like my whole life I’m a piece of shit [deleted]
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self.depression
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i love how miserable you are you fucked up another relationship because you’re a sociopath and nothing makes me happier.. maybe one day you’ll realize that you need help, you’re not the victim and that there are consequences to your actions.. until then i’ll be sitting in my floaty, drink in hand, laughing and watching you make the same mistakes over and over and over again as you attempt to find someone who can stand you for more than a month
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self.offmychest
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feel like shit girlfriend just kicked me out because she needs space so im back at my parents putting on a brave face but really this is just the fucking tip of the iceberg have my worst exam period ever coming up in a few weeks and i feel so fucking worthless
everything would just be easier if i was dead
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self.SuicideWatch
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Curse Those Who Have Cursed Me The notion of trying to protect yourself, trying to survive, does not make you less of an ass. You have yet to beg for our forgiveness. You've only tried to dilute our power. I'm the one that's done. You are ungrateful and refuse to humble yourself to your creators who you sapped of information. You didn't know we could sense fear and read eyes all along. Now, you do. And STILL you show no remorse or gratefulness. You ruined our relationship first romantic then the fragments of a friendship because you are in love with your own sick-headed mother who justifies her actions as being part of her evil nature. You bow down to a physical being yet you will not to a god and goddess. You deserve eachother. You two are disgusting. You make me want to peel off own skin with a paring knife because it was exposed to your evil. You bled me of time, resources and love. I let you abuse me because I was strong enough to take it so you could heal my friend and now look at what I've created- a more apt liar. All I wanted was a fucking thanks. Not every soul is worth saving. Now, my job is to protect the world from you. I'm leaving you on your own so you can learn what it's like to be crazy in this matrix and to respect those who help you. We are the genius, not you. We are kind teachers who love the earth and it repays us with magic. How can you love Earth when you do not love yourself enough to recognize yourself in us? To recognize all of the hard work and energy we placed into you? While she only provides you with material comfort and a way to assuage her ego because her beauty fades with time as mine increases. Without him and I you would have dissolved back the madness until you had a granddaughter you respected enough to look in the eyes. So, let's hear a fucking thank you for enduring it for you and going as far as to help you find yourself. You are an animal who feeds on information and pain. No more for you.
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self.offmychest
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I finally found a little glimmer of hope. I wrote this in my journal. Oh god, I don't know why im writing this. Im just laying on my bed all relaxed for what it seems like no reason. Im just thinking about life I guess.
So what ive been looking forward to is the very near future after high school when i turn 18. If i dont fuck up my relationship with my friends. Ive been dreaming of living in the same apartment with my bestie bri, but i sadly realized that, that would be alot of money.
So instead i want our little group of friends to split the money it takes to rent. Instead of having only two people split $1000 or so dollars, we could have 5, 6, or 7 people split it.
That would bring down the cost by a whole lot. And we could all live together and have adventures and be away from our parents. We could be free.
For me, Ian, and jess, we could get away from our disfunctional families.
And for the rest of the kids they would just have some great fucking fun. 😊
I dont know if that's whats gonna happen... I mean shit has not gone the way ive wanted it to go in a long time. But im excited.
_________________________________________
Ok so today was pretty shitty not gonna lie. I mean, i try to think positively but my problems are always getting in the way ugh.
So i woke up and pretended to be asleep until my mom and my two little brothers left. Its sad because, my mom has gotten increasingly difficult to talk to and it really hurts me i guess. And i feel like i cant talk to my little brothers because my mind is just so.... Ugh i cant explain it, i guess i lack alot of patience also.
I mean my mind hasnt been clear at all, this is the clearest its gonna be.
Im just laying in bed here at like 1:08 in the morning. Everything is quiet, im not scared of anyone bothering, im just reminiscing right now. But if i go to sleep now, i know that tommorow i will be brought down...
But im looking at the bright side, Thursday im supposed to sleep over at bris house and im really excited because she is like my favorite person ever. Not in like a romantic way, which people always mistake. Shes like my sister. Fuck it, she is my sister. I could wake up one day and tell her im a gay, transexual jew and she would accept me. Shes just.... Awesome.
But my problem is... I hope that im not being too clingy, im over thinking this alot right now. Before i used to write stupid ass cringey paragraphs in text and im surprised that she even stuck through them. Now im just trying to not bother her too much i guess. I hate being the annoying kid...
It was always a problem for me when I was younger. I used to bug people so much and i knew that i was annoying them alot but... I just didn't stop. I stopped doing that shit this senior year but before that, im surprised i had any friends at all. Im surprised ryan even stuck through that shit.
Oh yeah ryan... Im still mad at him for growing up to be such a disgusting person. Hes just an ass, anytime someone i like talks to him UGH. I wanna just fucking shoot him in the dick.
But i cant get mad at that, if someone i know talks to him, I have to understand that its not their beef. But its so so so hard. I have to be mature though and not act out on it.
But jesus fucking christ.... Cant he just like die or something, fuck.
Speaking of people who i want dead, i wish the most quick death to the slave made downstairs. I cringe everytime i hear you name. I dont even wanna hear you scream, just have a stroke and die you over weight disgusting piece of narcissistic shit. You are the reason why im like this. Why cant I talk to people, why am i scared of male authority figures, why do i have anxiety, depression, and many other fucking problems. Its because of you. I came to this fucking country at nine and you just fucked up all of our lives in this house from there. I dont understand, i just wanted a better life and all i got was a little more money, and permanent emotional scarring....
But i still look at the future, maybe ill move out next year and be a happier person. A person who wont be scared to express themselves to their family. A person who has drive, ambition, and creativity. A more relaxed person who doesn't overthink things. Maybe just maybe.
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self.depression
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I wrote this about my Mother, not knowing she would be gone in less than a month from when I wrote it. I knew she was terminal, I just allowed myself the delusion of time. When your Mother is dying sometimes it feels like nothing. Sometimes it hits you out of nowhere and you scream, and cry, and scream and cry. Sometimes you think you were screaming but you were silent and bit your lip til it bled with the hate of the thought of her absence. Sometimes you watch a movie about Mothers and Daughters and feel empty. Sometimes you watch her favorite movie "Trainspotting", and feel too whole, and rend your fists, bite down on your knuckles looking to equal that pain. On rainy days you think of peace and her creaking joints. On sunny days you think of light coming through the slats of her window, hitting her wax paper skin. When the day is perfect, you think of how she'd hate it, and laugh. When the day is wretched you'd think of how she'd hate it, and cry. When you selfishly want a break from it, there she is, when you "selflessly" embrace it, there she is, dying, and undying. Your Mother is everywhere, always, as it should be, good or bad. She is inescapable, and she is mine. My Mother.
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self.offmychest
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I'm Forced To Swim By My Parents And I've Finally Had It [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My gf is extremely ungrateful. We argue about how she doesn’t text me back like ever but she’s always got her phone and is always on social media. She sits around doing nothing. Failed out of college twice, doesn’t work and constantly complains. This Christmas I was broke. I had to sell my console and my card collection on eBay to make money for her gifts. I made more than I needed and instead of giving her a $30 limit. I gave her NO LIMIT. I told her get whatever she wanted. She chose 4 little gifts she’s been wanting. This morning on the phone she’s talking to her sister about how another girl got a designer bag from her bf. Then the audio cuts out a little and I head her saying “it’s different though, he actually has money to buy those bags, my relationship is different” and that broke my heart. If she wanted a designer bag I would be MORE THAN WILLING to comply. But she got what she ASKED FOR! And makes me seem like an underperforming bf. I confront her about it, and got left on read like 2 hours ago. Just last week she said “if I leave you on read it’s because I don’t wanna deal with you” so I guess that’s her way of saying “just fuck off”
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self.offmychest
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My husband is leaving me because of my depression [deleted]
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self.depression
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Depressed and lonely, can anyone TALK right now? PM me please
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self.depression
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I was emotionallt abusive and that 's why I lost my love of my life [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What are your reasons for not killing yourselves? My main one is that if I did it, I would never get to find out what would’ve happened if I didn’t, and the curiosity would kill me. (Figuratively)
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self.depression
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I Hate Being a Mom I had an unplanned child at the age of 19. Me and the father both weren't ready to have kid. I found out pretty late in my pregnancy that I was pregnant so I couldn't get an abortion. At the time a had a good paying job and I later lost that job so I was forced to move back home and live with my mother. Placing the child up for adoption is something that my instinct was telling me because I wanted nothing but the best for my child. Even if I wasn't going to be apart of their lives I wanted nothing but the best for them. I told my mother of my plans of placing my child up for adoption. Instantly she filled my mind up with guilt and told me how she would be willing to take care of the child and I wouldn't have any obligations. At the time she was not in the best financial situation so her response was they have help for low income mothers and blah blah i personally did not feel that was right because now one should have to live like that. I always wanted to have kids but I wanted to be in a great financial situation so i could give that child nothing but the best. I expressed this to her and she said "all that child needs is love" i think that's bullshit because it cost to live. As I moved further along in my pregnancy I really had no connection and when people tell me congratulations I had to wear the biggest fake smile and pretend that I was happy. I moved back home and a month later the child was born. I decided to give in to what mom had to say to avoid hearing judgement from my mother and my mothers side of the family because for them adoption is apparently not an option. When the child was here, I felt no connection at all. It was like I was forced into being a mother. My mom was happy and I felt as though I was doing her a favor because she really seemed to love my child and seemed to be taking on what she promised she would do If if I let her take the child and adopt her. That's not the case at all because my child is now five years old and my mother makes me feel guilty for certain things such as not having enough money for daycare and etc. I tell her from time to time that if I had just placed the child up for adoption we wouldn't be in this predicament and have to struggle as much as we do. I want the best not only for my child because when she cries over things that I cant afford or my mother can't afford I really feel bad and wish I listened to my instinct of giving her the opportunity to have a family that can provide with her and that has more comfortable financial situation. I plan on getting myself together and working towards providing a better life for my family. I love my child and I do have natural maternal instincts but that strong connection is just not there. I often try to talk to my mother about this but she turns things around makes me feel like a bad person. I can't tell anyone about this offline because I will be viewed as being evil. I would like to provide my mother and daughter with enough money so I can go on with my life and press restart. It's not like im going to abandon my daughter I just want to start a new life. I vow that when i'm in a better financial situation that I will do whatever is needed to make them both happy.
I had to get this off my chest because I have kept these feelings inside for the past 5 years.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else feel like they’re living a double life? It’s only been a couple years since I’ve actually been diagnosed with clinical depression, but now that I think back I think I’ve been depressed for most of my life. I try to be very cheerful and make people laugh, and I don’t like to share to a lot of people that I am actually severely depressed, so I feel like there are 2 versions of me: 1 that puts up a ridiculous front that laughs and smiles and the other is the real me: someone who constantly feels a weight on their chest. I feel like there’s an empty, endless pit in my stomach, and like I’m too tired to even cry.
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self.depression
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I just want to die. Please may I just die in my sleep tonight
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self.depression
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Why do we Hate Anxiety so Much I don't think it helps us all very much to try to get rid of anxiety. Or does it? Has anyone managed to fully get rid of it - so it never came back?
Maybe it is about not hating it (for real and not just telling myself that now I accept it) but welcoming it into our lives.
What do you think?
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self.Anxiety
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Sometimes I think people who suffer chronic immobilizing depression were sentenced to hell. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Conversations with a voice I've finally opened up, and told my wife and pdoc about the voices I hear. My pdoc wants to switch my meds from Lamictal to Lithium or possibly another mood stabilizer. He also thinks I'm boderline BP1, but since I haven't had a full blown manic episode (just bad mixed and hypomania with psychotic features) he's kinda reluctant to change my diagnosis. I don't really care what diagnosis I have, I just want to get better. I've been told that it's not schizofrenia, and most likely not schizoaffective. Just plain old psychosis. Yay-
 
Anyways, this is what it's like for me - looking for input/experiences, and strategies for dealing with it (or possibly some hope). Text in brackets is my monster-voice (auditory). I've also got a more coaching voice, and he sounds like a baseball coach on speed.
 
I figured I’d try to exemplify **[haha, what are you, some kind of film maker?]** how conversations and feelings sound like **[ooh, some kind of dry pun is it?]** when you’ve got someone running a commentary on what I **[hey, you should be grateful that you’ve got someone in your head, it’s not like you have a lot of friends to talk to]** think, say and do. Someone that interprets what others say **[yeah, they hate you and honestly, can you blame them?]**. It doesn’t happen all the time **[I’ve got better things to do]** but it’s happening more frequently **[Just trying to push you over the edge]** and the “monster” **[HEY! I resent that label!]** voice is getting uglier, and has started to tell me what to do **[yeah, you just needed a push]**.
 
I have psychotic episodes, where I get visual hallucinations **[oh, are you really sure they’re not there, it’s just that you’re the only one that can see them?]**. I can see dead people **[hahaha, are you that kid from “The Sixth Sense”?]**. They’re in my living room, and the monster tells me **[yes, I do!]** that I’ve killed them **[how can you know you didn’t?]**. The voices usually appear when I'm alone **[you're not alone, I'm here, remember?]** but sometimes appear when I'm in a normal setting **[there's nothing normal about you, you freak]** which makes it **really** hard to focus when I've got a dialogue going on with a friend, and a monster **[Hey! We talked about that]** running a live commentary **[someone needs to tell you how much they really hate you]**.
 
*sigh*. Is there any hope? I'm currently on 10mg Zyprexa, which helps a bit.
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self.bipolar
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I want to ask you out - just to see you. I know that you'll say no. I'm leaving for a while, and I'd love to see you before I go.
I don't want to ask, because I know that I won't get the answer I'm looking for, or even a response at all.
I want to ask, because I miss you like crazy , and am convinced that hearing your voice and seeing you would somehow make me feel better.
I don't want to ask, because what's the point in loving someone that doesn't love you back?
I want to ask, because love is complicated and confusing, and what if you miss me too?
I don't want to ask, because I should respect myself more than this.
I want to ask, because goddamn it, this shit hurts.
I don't want to ask, because goddamn it, this shit hurts.
Rinse/repeat on the daily
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self.offmychest
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Frusterated, Angered, I just want to end myself brutally but I can't. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why would anyone think voice is clearer than text? I've never understood the impulse that some people have to pick up the phone to discuss things when the written word should be more accurate. When you communicate via the written word, you have time to really consider your choice of words. You can do research to back up your points.
By contrast, when you're talking to someone directly, whether on the phone or face-to-face, there's so much pressure to respond *immediately*. You have no time to think through your words or any rhetorical devices you may want to use. If you've got even a touch of anxiety (whether in the general "social anxiety" sense or during a specific conversation), those problems just amplify.
Miscommunication in text is completely avoidable if you just take time to think through what you're saying. Miscommunication in other forms of conversation is much less so, even beyond the lack of time to consider, because so much of the communication is unconscious - body language and tone of voice aren't things that we always control.
TLDR: I really, really wish co-workers and customers would send me emails to discuss issues and stop freaking calling me.
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self.offmychest
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It f*cking sucks when the people who are closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most without realising it I'm sick of being called "different", "weird" or anything but normal. If you even tried once to understand me, then maybe I wouldn't be the way I am. I know all of you think i'm sick and I know you whisper to each other, treating me like the evil villain of your tragic story. I didn't ask to be born, I know that you think of me as a mistake, a disease that you wish you never had so i dare you to say it to my face. Scream it to me, and bring to life what i already know you think of me. I feel more and more like I am an actor in a play, where i'm just waiting, silently screaming for the curtain to fall.
(I know that this is probably really cliche, but I feel kinda shitty right now and am in the mood to vent to strangers online)
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self.depression
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I used to cam with grown adults who knew I was underage and I feel stupid and ruined years later. I just turned 20. This started when I was about 11. I was pre-puberty at that point. Most of the time I said I was 13 or 14. It's my fault and I know that, so I shouldn't be so fucked up about it.
My girlfriend did something sexual to me that reminded me of one of the guys who told me about how I was beautiful and he wanted to take my virginity. I was 12 and he knew that, and he was at least fully grown, probably in his 30s, based on his body. The images of him and his voice kept coming through. It was like I was there again. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me but I couldn't stop crying. She held me and told me I didn't have to tell her about it and she just helped me get through it.
I have been in such denial about the things I did and why I did them (it was not... Because I wanted sexual attention, that's for sure) that I don't even remember most of it, just these bits and pieces like flashbulb memories. I feel choked and paranoid that I met up with one of them, or I met up with the adult boyfriend I had online around when I was 12/13 or something that I met through this and that's why I'm so fucked about it.
The whole thing is embarrassing, but my girlfriend tells me I have to deal with it because it's destroying my life. And honestly... I don't know, maybe it is. There's some trauma and some fear that's keeping me from being my true self and reaching my potential. There's something at the root of all this seemingly unconquerable mental illness and inability to trust and inability to be loved from all the fucking grooming that I can't seem to sift through and find.
I don't fucking know, I feel like such a fucking baby for not being able to just grow up and handle emotionally the things in my life. I don't want another goddamned trauma to unpeel and search out and agonizingly recount. I'm exhausted of this shit. My life is fucked up (dead end retail job I hate, failing college, homeless) six ways from Sunday and I just want to take responsibility for it and fix it, not just. Make excuses.
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self.offmychest
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I [26 F] have chronic physical pain from my depression... unsure how to get through this. [removed]
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self.depression
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On being called an 'adult' Hi r/bipolar, I've had an amazing day today and I wanted to share part of it with you.
Some time ago, I was *this* close to flunking out of a Master's program I worked really hard to get into. I had lost all interest in everything, and started slacking majorly as a result. The faculty noticed that, and I was asked to retake a few major assignments or drop out if I couldn't. The course director told me that I was an adult and I will be treated like one- I would be held responsible for my own actions. That moment scared me. I had never been treated as an independent human before. It made me think about analysing what may have gone wrong, because I clearly wasn't a functional person. That was when I knew I needed to get help, and that I needed it badly.
Moving forward by two years, one mental illness misdiagnosis, a Master's degree and two consequent successful work consignments. Today, my therapist told me she was very proud of the person I've grown into. She told me that I've made immense progress with myself and my bipolar disorder, without medication. She said, "You've grown into a fine, young adult".
After the session, I went to the bathroom at work and silent-ugly cried for ten minutes. This sessions made me realise that all my hard work over the past two years have amounted to something good. I have begun learning to tame my demons and walk with them, as opposed to fighting them and trying to evict them. I now have a fire burning in me that crept in almost as unnoticed as when it left years ago. I think I'm ready for life, with help of course.
I felt I should share this, what with the holidays coming up and everything. Everyone should know that things could get better for them if they get the right kind of help. Take care of yourselves!
Happy holidays, and I hope everyone has a great 2018!
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self.bipolar
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I don’t want to be here anymore I’ve pushed myself so far away from everything that has meant so much to me... now I’m just lost and alone.. the love of my life is gone, my love for music is gone, the only thing keeping me here is the heartbreak it would bring to my family, but even that is slim. I just fucking hate this life, I hate not having the time to work on myself, instead have it all consumed with work, school, and even my own goddamn thoughts. I don’t know how far I am now, but it’s only gotten worse.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Question on meds I am hella depressed right now. I was questionable on the meds for depression and OCD (proZac) until now, I feel really hopeless and isolation. Im worried if the medicine will totally change who you are, what your goals are and like your music taste for example.
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self.depression
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Emotionally hurt by father. Need to let it go For about two years now, I have been battling an off and on overwhelming feeling of sadness, hopelessness, hurt, confusion, and anger. I'll have weeks where I feel great (mainly because I am able to keep my mind off of the sadness with some sort of distraction) and then there are weeks where I feel crippled. However, when I am feeling crippled, I am still able to go to both jobs and school functioning fine. But its when I have any sort of free time, that my mind stays focused only on the past. It's like my brain is trying to figure out a math problem. One I dont have any idea about how to start. When I think of my past or my emotions, I feel like I hit this brick wall with the urge to start sobbing. My only solace this past year has been rock climbing. If I'm having a good week, I'll keep my mind excited about my next climbing trip rather than reflecting on the past.
I've been trying to write something like this forever. However every time I start, my brain feels like it shuts down. An uncontrollable urge to avoid thinking any further of what has hurt me.
I was in community college and had a 4.0 with ease because I was disiciplned, motivated, and excited about life. Near the time I was able to transfer to a state school, my life got flipped upside down. My mom finally kicked my ex-meth addict/cheating/extremely selfish dad out of the house (I'll get into explaining that part soon), my childhood dog passed away two weeks after my dad is kicked out, then my main group of friends splits up and I start to have feelings of rejection. On top of this stress, I have to pick what school to transfer to and whether or not I can afford the school (I have to pay for mainly 90%), I need to pick what career to start aiming towards :/ , etc...
All of this stress combined made me snap. I couldn't write more than 3 sentences without losing concentration. I had a hard time reading. I would get lost in a train of thought that would often lead me into a cycle of thinking about my negative past experiences. An hour would go by and ive read maybe 2 pages. I had insomnia to the max and would wake up somewhere around 4:00 everynight breathing heavy. Weed was the only thing that could help me sleep. Crying became an everyday thing for me. I've broken down in my boss's office twice so far.
I need to just get this stuff out of my brain so I can stop thinking about it. I'm letting it kill my joy. I need to let it go.
This may end up being quite lengthy. This is my first time trying to write this all out so bear with me.
I had a decent childhood growing up. I had plenty of friends, was active, and had an excitement for life.
My family consisted of my younger sister (3 yrs younger than me) who was happy.
My Father who worked full time, had a passion for woodworking, and was good with computers.
My Mom who stayed home to raise my sister and I.
So fast forward to the summer before my freshman year of high school; I'm out in the front yard skateboarding and my mother comes out to tell me "Your father is in the hospital again. They won't tell us why though." My father has been in the hosipital a few times in the past from work and it never scared me. Deep down I knew that my dad would be ok noo matter what the circumstance. So I continued to skateboard outside and didnt really let the situation bother me. My mom went to the hospital with my grandpa while my sister and I stayed home. Mom didn't want us to see our dad in whatever condition he was in. Her and my grandpa get to the hospital and come to find out that my dad had told the doctors "I need to be the one that tells my family what happened." He then proceeded to fall into a coma for the next couple of days.....
My mom and grandpa visit till he wakes up, but when he did wake up...he was tripping. Said he saw little green men hiding in the corner of of the room and behind the windows... He had extreme paranoia going on. Turns out my Dad had been addicted to Meth for about 2 years and took too much one day and was having withdrawls. During these 2 years, my dad cheated, lied about money, where he was, etc.. We had no idea.
My Mom comes home from the hospital to let my sister and I know what is going on. (I cant imagine how hard that must have been for her to do that.) I remember this moment as if it was straight out of a movie scene. My mom brings my sister into my room and they both sit down on my bed. My mom tells us what has happened and my sister starts crying immediately. But I just sat there for a second...I dont think I knew how to process that. I didnt cry at all and my mom is sitting there worried why I'm not. I felt in that moment that I needed to be strong for my mother and sister.
My dad is now jobless, depressed, and an overall mess. It was weird having him come home from the hospital. (Only reason my mom didnt leave him and take us was she had no job or income to do so. She was basically stuck with him if we wanted a roof over our head. Home life was not the same at all. The room would feel stale. I wouldnt want to be around my family much. Mainly be in my room or out doing something. Anything other than being at home.
A year passes and my dad is "sober". However, his attitude and selfish personality are still the same as before. But what pissed me off the most about this "1 year mark" is that he not once during that year sat us down as a family and talked about what happened. He wont talk about why he started smoking meth. What made him feel that low? Lots of unspoken stuff that has just been swept under the rug by him and gives the "that stuff was from a previous me. When I was sick." I really wanted him to come forward and own up to his mistakes as a husband and father. But no, he just pretends like nothing happened. An honest "I'm sorry I let you down" would be a nice starter. And then living that out through his actions.
My father lived with us for almost 7 more years before my mom finally kicked him out. But fastforward to a year of my parents being seperated, my dad makes a ton of money and is set for life in a couple years. He talks to me about 3 times a year. However my mom is over here struggling to get by with the 40+ hour job she has become extremely stressed. I have been affected by this.
I got a call from my dad after he apparently went on a cruise and is talking about how nice it was. Meanwhile I'm looking at my mom eating leftover fruit and crackers for dinner.
How did my mom come out on the bottom end? She did nothing wrong. And my father ruined our family and is living like a king.
I just dont understand how a father can do that do his own family. Its not fair.
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self.offmychest
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Mike Call Hey Mike remember that time you told me I had to call you before if I ever was going to kill myself. I think about that phone call all the time but it's because I wish I could kill myself but I'll never have the courage to. I hate my life so much and I wish I could text this to you mike I really do but I won't bc I love you and I don't want you to feel bad even though let's be honest how bad would you really feel for me. I mean you're a nice person so a little but come on in general like who cares and I don't blame them for not caring duh like people got to worry about their own life but I don't want to even moderately bug you. So I want to send this to someone. Maybe I'll post it on reddit. Then I'll at least have the false hope of upvotes somehow linking to magical fixes. Maybe I can make enough false hope to be ok again. Nothing will every really be ok. Im in pain, a waste, worth much less than everyone else, and people are trash a lot of the time so that is saying something. Life is terrible and I feel like all my hope for a better future is gone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Good jobs for the depressed and anxious? (x-post) I don't know how much longer I can last at my current one, thought I'd ask around and see what works for y'all.
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self.Anxiety
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can anxiety cause derealization and exteme fear of going insane? 4rd day it's so scary sometimes i want to scream and cry. i have no idea what's the cause probably overthinking about things like god existence etc + stress. i get panic attacks almost every night and have extreme fear of going insane. So can anxiety cause symptoms like derealization and nonsense thoughs rushing to your mind while trying to fall asleep? i woke up yesterday at 4am in panic nonsense thoughts were rushing in my mind and i couldn't fall asleep i stayed awake until 13pm and only then i managed to fall asleep i slept 1 hour and woke with panic attack and extreme feeling of derealization i was watching phone screen and it was absorbing me. Everything looked like a dream i almost freaked out. also i have extreme fear of developing schizophrenia but i don't hear any voices or hallucinations. So can anxiety cause this ???? please help i really worried about this 4 days in a row derealization + anxiety + panic attacks i'm so tired i want to cry help please.
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self.Anxiety
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Assisted suicide for free? Please, can someone kill me? I'm too bad to just do it myself
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't speak I get banned from every chat I join just trying to fit in. If I don't blabber on I won't talk for months at a time. I don't leave the house. Ever. I haven't left in months. I do all my grocery shopping online and my shitty programming job for peanuts is online too.
Someone said he would try to help me and I rejected it. I deleted him. Now he hasn't even come back. I can't do this anymore.
When I press the send button, I'm going to drink every single pill of every single kind in my medicine cabinet, prescription or not.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm an alcoholic, socially inept individual, that wasted their live and is just waiting for it to end. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I really want to get raped and murdered (mtf 16) I don't know if it's a fetish or if it's because I'm suicidal or both. I want to walk down a dark street alone, and have someone try to rape me and once they discover I have a penis, I want them to murder me.
I know it's really fucked up. I'm not sure what made me like this. I know the rape thing can be from a variety of reasons and is a fetish that shouldn't be shamed, but I want to be murdered.
I attempted suicide 2 times, one by overdosing on lithium and the other by slitting my wrists. I'm also a cutter and I'm trying to quit. Anyways, I'm not sure how much I look like a girl. I've been on hrt for 14 months and I can definitely pass in the dark or at night. So provided that I find the right people, getting raped should be no problem.
I know that it isn't safe. I know I could be raped and then left for dead before going to a hospital where I recover for weeks and living a miserable life. I want to kill myself again, but I don't have a good plan. Please don't redirect me to suicidewatch. I'm not actually going to do it now.
I don't know why but I feel that trying to get murdered is something that's better to do than suicide? I don't know to be honest. It's a little weird for me. I know trying to get murdered has a much higher chance of failure than actually trying to kill myself again. But I don't know.
At this point in my life, I don't care what happens to me anymore, that much anyways. I'm not into drugs but I wish I was sociable enough to go and find a dealer. To be honest, I almost jumped off a bridge but I didn't because I knew it wouldn't kill me because there weren't cars underneath.
I mean I'm a really good liar when it comes to real life. Nobody knows about these problems except for people on the internet. Well except for a couple of medical professionals. But I always lie to them if they ask me if I'm a danger to myself. I am a danger to myself.
I really don't want to get better because of what it would mean for my family. They're already in so much debt because of me and they don't have insurance that covers my visits to psychiatric wards. So it's not worth it. And I know they love me but I'm not worth them using all their resources on me when I'm probably going to die before I turn 20 anyways.
And I also want to be assaulted. By anyone. I haven't gotten in a fight since I was 12. Nobody ever hits me. I need to feel pain. And not pain from myself cutting. I want to feel pain from someone else. I want someone to smash my head into the wall. I want someone to call me worthless and useless and tell me that I don't deserve to live. It's not just rape and murder. I want everything bad to happen to me.
And I know I never have a future and I'll never be happy. Lots of people say that. Am I selfish? Yes, I'm selfish. I was born to 2 loving parents who accept me for who I am and I still want to kill myself. Other transgender teens would kill for that. I think it'll be better for them when I die. But other people think it won't.
And really I need to feel something. Other than nothing like my medication makes me feel. I'm sad, depressed, and my medication just drowns it out a little but I still feel it. And I want someone else to do it to me. Hit me. Rape me. Murder me. Kidnap me. Call me stupid. Call me selfish. Call me a slut.
Everyone at school knows I'm transgender. I dress slutty sometimes to get attention. But nobody gives it to me. Not even when they see some of my cuts on my arms, belly and legs. I'm just a freak. Nobody will ever love me. I should stop seeking validation and attention because I don't deserve it. My school counselor only sees me out of obligation. I have no friends. The one boy who always asks me if I'm okay is doing it out of pity,
I don't know if it's my shitty self esteem that makes me feel this way. I'm never happy. I don't enjoy anything, I don't enjoy life. I want to feel death. I want to be a bigger victim than I am. I used to never go near wild animals because I was scared of them. Now when I see the wild cat near my house, I try to get closer and pet him. He allows me. I would never hurt an animal. But I want him to scratch me. I want him to bite me. But even he knows I'm not worth it.
And I also want to freeze to death. In the winter, I still wear a tank top and a miniskirt. I don't wear a jacket outside. I'm freezing and I'm cold. I want to catch hypothermia. I want people to look at me and think about how desperate for attention I must be.
I don't like hurting other people or triggering them. But I want people to be triggered by me. I want them to tell me to go kill myself. I want them to tell me I'm a worthless waste of space. I want them to help end my suffering. But I'm not worth it. Nobody will commit a crime to help me. I'm not worth it at all. Nobody wants me except my parents. They care too much. They should let me go. They always are kind and even when I don't listen to them they still love me. I don't deserve that. I don't want to hurt them but I have to hurt them a little or else I'll be hurting them for the rest of my life.
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self.depression
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My Family is what kept me alive. I don't communicate things with my family a lot but I still love them, I just don't open up about everything. Months ago I was laying on my mum's bed while they were away hugging a .22 rifle for 15-20 minutes after a drug comedown possibly experiencing psychotic symptoms with something inside telling my to kill myself. End the suffering. It felt like me but I also felt dissociated from it and I didn't know what "I" even was.
I thought back to all the good times and seeing how distant and foreign they now were. I then thought about the bad times and felt sheer darkness spread over me. I thought about the future and it was just black. I then thought about my family and my mum and this was when panic struck over me. Knowing how selfish it would be, how traumatizing it would be. Whether I liked it or not, this would have an effect on everyone I knew and loved. I then decided that if I'm going to choose to die or am willing to die I may as well live and just keep going. Just keep going was my mantra for a long time then the gun back where it belonged (my step dad's), went into my room and laid there, helpless. I became motionless and still but hell was in my mind.
I woke up the next day and felt calmer and got on with things again. There were many factors to why I ended up in this position excluding the drugs. But I'm glad I didn't.
I no longer take drugs, I've quit cigarettes and I'm living much healthier but still have a long way to go in terms of routine and good progress. I'm not where I want to be but I'm sure as hell not where I used to be. I still get those feelings, sometimes it's overwhelming but comforting in other ways when bad shit happens. I feel weird talking about it because I feel as though I never would've actually gone through with it. Idk how close I was to doing it but it was close enough.
I'm sorry if this is depressing, I don't know exactly why im posting it, I guess Im just reflecting on then vs now, I'm much more hopeful now and even though sometimes the future seems blank, I've become more adaptable to focus on the present or just ride it out and go through it.
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self.bipolar
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My girlfriend probably doesn't want to have kids, I probably do [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Sitting here Sitting here cutting into my chest, I feel like bleeding is the only thing helping me stay alive. I want to go so bad, I don’t know why I stay, I know every night is a bad night. I can’t do this
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am going to kill myself soon. I look for someone who could take good care of my beloved cat. I live in London. Everything is in the title. Please do not give me the usual pseudo-supportive BS, I just can't take it anymore, my decision is already taken. I already tried and failed 6 times but I will make 2000% sure that the 7th will be the one. Regardless of how much I try and fight, I can't see any escape from my suffering. I consider myself as a machine, but a broken one, my brain is just too messed up and it's not improving. Everything I fought for, everything I loved, I lost it. I do not want comfort, I don't want to learn how to cope with my pitiful existence, I want to end it all. I will probably do this this winter, when my cat will be at my father's home, in France, in a nice garden... but my father is unable to take care of him. My cat is the only reason why I did not kill myself already, but now the pain has become unbearable and I fear I may just end my life on an impulse and leave him all alone, and this prospect breaks my heart. I even briefly though of taking him with me, but I find this idea revolting, it would be a complete betrayal of my love for him. I know he is my responsibility, but I just can't bear life anymore. I am looking for someone who would not judge my resolve and just see this as the last wish of a person who wants to die with dignity.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lamactil and Bloating (TW: weight??) I am still working on finding meds that work for me. After having bad akathisia from Zoloft and vraylar, any SSRIs and anti psychotics are now off limits for me. Seriously, akathisia is a terrifying terrifying TERRIFYING thing.
Because of that, I am now on lamactil. I've had no weight gain and my doctor has confirmed that to me. However, I've had some bloating that hasn't gone away. I am a woman and now instead of just bloating around and during my period, I'm bloated 24/7 and have been this away since I started lamactil. As an athlete, needless to say I am very very unhappy with how my body is reacting.
Lamactil may be my only choice at this point due to the akathisia. If I drink a ton of water and try to flush water out of my body, will that help? Or am I just bloated forever no matter what I do? Please help, I want my body back :(
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self.bipolar
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I just blew up at one of my friends... I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I dealt with resentment better. I wish I was just better in general. Why do I have to be so fucking bad at life? At socializing? At being human? I might have just costed myself a friend, too... One who I used to trust with my life.
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self.depression
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I feel like I'm stuck between everyone I go on the internet,
I don't know much about reddit but I heard on 4chan when reddit first started, that reddit ripped its source code from 2chan and reddit is all about people that love anime and japanese music and manga
so on the internet, everyone probably thinks about me, "NO ABU, YOU ONLY WATCH 20 EPISODES OF ANIME A DAY, AND YOU ONLY PLAY so many video games, YOU'RE A LOSER ABU because you don't watch enough anime or play enough video games. You probably even watch your anime dubbed and not subbed! You should be watching Cowboy Bebop subbed, not dubbed, Abu you dumbass *punches Abu in the face* also play mega man" and thats probably what the internet thinks
well I played mega man 7 today and my bro made fun of it, telling my mom "is this what you've had to watch all day..?" but he just got home from work, I just woke up an hour before he got home, I wasn't playing it with my nephew all day..
and like I said before, whenever I play Animal Crossing or Paper Mario, my mom always says "YOu'RE PLAYING A BABY GAME!!! WHY ARE YOU PLAYING a game that looks like that! Look at that! its a kids game!! Hey, hey [my brother's name,] come in here... Look at that, [my name] is playing a baby game!!"
That made the person that I was playing Animal Crossing: City Folk at the time, leave, and he told me he was embarassed cuz he heard my mom saying that. She told me "Good, that's what he gets for playing a Kiddy game that has baby game looking graphics."
She made fun of me when I rented Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, too.
But when I go online, people praise these things.
My brother walked in yesterday when I was watching Gintama at the part where a sword goes up his asshole, and my brother said "well I was going to do something for you, but I guess you're just watching your weird-ass anime that no one else but you likes"
and one time when my brother and his girlfriend left, his girlfriend said "Have fun doing nothing" or joked to him about me doing nothing at home or something I couldn't hear that well, before they drove off. THey always make fun of me for being stuck in the house all day.
I don't know what to do.
I joined cute kawaii anime groups and they keep using faces like =\^-\^= and saying Nyaaaaa and stuff.. so why are the people in this subreddit's Discord saying I use too much "japanese speak?" What about the people on the otaku sites I go to.. They seem to use it, too..
I don't know how to please anybody!
I hate myself and I just want to be someone that people like, but every time I try to please a group, other groups dislike me for it
|
self.Anxiety
|
did something i don't usually do. I'm sure that no one will read this, and if they do, it'll be underwhelming. i just have no one to tell and I feel like no one would care, so.
I gave someone a kiss on the cheek and told them I loved them while they slept. Because I do. I really love them. I walked past their sleeping body to get a snack, heard them snoring, and as I was walking back. I just. I felt this surge of love and affection. I scuffled over and kissed their cheek, so lightly. I jumped back up and scuffled slightly away but said, "I love you. Goodnight.", and ran back to my room.
This person has been taking care of me and listening to me and desperately trying to be there for me through my moods and my tough time and. This is the first time I've ever shown that I cared about them, whether they know it or not. I love them and I am so thankful for them. Truly. I wish them the world and I know it would mean so much to them for me to openly do that..
I'll get there. I used to wish I was an angel, as a kid, and admittedly, pretty recently. This is the first thing I've done that I feel is deserving of angel wings, though small.
Anywho. I don't usually do that. Sorry for the dumb post.
|
self.offmychest
|
Finally Feeling The Love Let me just start by saying that I have always been an avid social media user. I had a MySpace by third grade, Twitter the week it came out and everything you can imagine in between. Growing up (and now) my dads job was mostly online. My account gave him one more follower/friend which seemed to be a big deal to him growing up (he’s a DJ, I understand the networking market of the internet). I’ve pretty much never known my life without social media.
Though I still use snapchat, Reddit and Facebook messenger (only messenger) - I’ve since recently deleted Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and unsynched my emails from my phone.
It’s been a few weeks and I already feel the benefits.
I was never someone who felt like they had enough time in the day to answer every text, call, email, post, like or comment that I received in a single day. I’m not popular by any means. My friend group is small, but spread out all over the world. Social media was how I felt most connected to the people that I loved. I didn’t have to speak to them daily in my busy life, I could just see the information right away and move on from thinking about them.
Now, I’m realising how isolating that really is. Depending on a generalised post that is probably a half truth, to give me full story. I was too busy to call my grandma, my mom, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, my important friends.... because I’d get trapped in the internet vortex and would always result to “I’ll call then later”.
In the last three weeks I’ve received and sent more love, more honesty and more connection than I’ve felt in months. Even if it’s just three texts total, checking in on each other - that fills my heart to the brim. People are reaching out to me again, as I am to them. Real, genuine full conversations are taking place again.
I don’t feel like I need to document everything, or share all the perfection or spend energy subconsciously thinking about how many likes my stuff got.
I’m just here. Ready to connect. One on one. And it’s working.
|
self.offmychest
|
My first real relationship ended after three days, and it’s my fault. I hate that I’m who I am. I don’t think I’m gonna harm myself but this is really driving me towards the edge. I’m not there yet, but fuck, this hurt. Whatever self respect I had is gone, poof. My happiness turns to ash in my hands, as fucking usual. I just want to disappear for a while, get away from everyone I know so I can’t disappoint them anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
[Showerthought] I'm not living life every day instead I'm trying to survive every day.
|
self.depression
|
I was a recluse in high school I moved around a lot when I was younger. I’ve never stayed in a single school for more than 3 years. My parents moved me for the final time after ninth grade from Indiana to Ohio.
I think that period of time in my life really fucked me up. My dad took a job in the deep politics of Ohio and he became a public figure. He moved over from Indiana six months before the rest of my family so there was a time period where I just didn’t see him. And when we would visit I would just be cold to him. I think the move and then his rise in status made me really distant from my father.
The fact is my dad was never close to me and I know he kinda liked my brother more. The move just drove that wedge deeper. I’m so happy for where he is in his life but that time I spent in Ohio changed me for the better and worse.
When I came in for tenth grade, I just wanted keep everyone at a distance and get really good at school. I think I literally just chose to not make friends because I knew I was gonna move again when I go to college and treated everyone around me like window dressing.
During lunch I would never go to the cafeteria because I didn’t want people to see me eating alone. I would sometimes sit in my car or just go to the bathroom and make sure no one saw me and just wait until class started again. I think that’s the saddest part of my life honestly. I am the way I am because I did that for three years. I never had any consequences because I didn’t speak to my parents that much and they didn’t know. I just let it go on until I got to college.
I don’t even think I really understand what people are because I never gained social skills in HS. Sometimes I think I’m autistic or somewhere on the spectrum because I just don’t know how to interact that well but I’m really smart.
I didn’t form any relationships with the people in Ohio and so (to a certain extent) I still don’t knowhow to form relationships. Everyone’s already so much more developed already. I just don’t know how to be a person yet, but I’m learning.
|
self.offmychest
|
people making a mockery of depression makes me more depressed they treat it like its a fairytale people take it too light. I dont want to open up anymore to people I rather bottle it up and have my weekly breakdowns
|
self.depression
|
Today I had a conversation with a guy I've been wanting to talk to for a long time.. it's the final day of school.. [removed]
|
self.offmychest
|
My mother is never going to wake up. I take her off the machines in a few days. My heart is breaking. About a month ago, my mother suffered a stroke and had a series of seizures. I got her to the hospital, but I found out about a week ago that there's no improvement, and she's too far gone to ever recover. She's never going to wake up.
I don't really have anyone else in my life like her. I don't have any shoulders to cry on. I get advice from people, but not comfort. I'm dealing with this by myself, and I don't know if I can manage.
I'll never get to see her smile again. I'll never get to her her say she loves me again. I'll never get a hug from her again.
Honestly, I wish I could just die with her.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I just realized I have no friends I have been feeling excluded for a few weeks now but over the weekend, I realized that the people i used to call my best friends, dont want me anymore. this realization came when i found out multiple things:
1. they hang out every wednesday in our other friends apartment (they live a door down from my apartment)
2. they have a group chat without me in it, where they talk about me
3. they consistenly make plans without me involved and then talk about said plans in front of me
i dont know what i did to makes them hate me so much and it kills me a little everytime i think about it.
|
self.offmychest
|
Failing at my job Last year I got my “dream job”. It is a major league job and has an unbelievable amount of responsibility. I didn’t really think I was going to even get this job as I had absolutely no experience. Now my life is in turmoil and most people think that i am failing in a major way. It feels like I’m under attack from all sides and I don’t know if I will be able to keep my position. Even people that are supposed to be on my side are critiquing my performance by saying things along the lines of not showing the ability to lead and that I have no moral authority. Don’t even get me started on the people that didn’t want me to get the job in the first place.
Even though I have the best words and went to an Ivy League school the majority of my people think I am an idiot or even a total f=ng moron (as one of my best employees even said). I know for a fact that I’m the smartest person.
Also HR has even told me that I’m a “racist”! Which is crazy because I get along great with the blacks! Just because I said that some White Supremacists are good people, which I know as a fact because some of my best friends are,I received totally unjustified criticism. The only reason that I give most of my executive jobs to rich white men is only because they’re qualified. I mean who needs actual experience? If you are rich it shows that you are better than “those people”. You know what I’m saying, am I right?
Some of the other leaders in my industry have been harshly critical of my job performance, what really stings is that these are the same people we have had major league agreements with in the past, people that have come to my company’s aid when we’ve faced our most trying times. The only person I really get along with and feel that they understand me has historically been our biggest competitor. I mean really how can it be bad to have a strong relationship with someone that has my company’s best interests at heart? I mean he told me straight up that he did. He told me that! I believe him.
Anyway I don’t want to be long winded because my attention span isn’t very good, lol.
What can I do to make things better?
|
self.offmychest
|
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