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Anyone else hate being called strong? So I've been struggling a lot these last few months with depression, which became very evident at a family party last month, where I mostly laid in bed and cried. I also had a recent hospitalization, which, while unrelated to bipolar, was pretty serious. All through this, I was barraged with texts from family and friends telling me how strong I am.
And like, I get why they do it. They want to support me and they love me and they care and they don't know how to deal with this illness that I've dealt with all my life. I do. But it gets so exhausting, especially at times when I genuinely feel weak. When I know that I'm only doing 50% of what healthy me could achieve.
I'm extremely ambitious and relatively smart, so I often have to drop out on experiences I know could help me because of my poor health. This does not make me feel strong. It makes me frustrated and upset. And being called strong makes me feel babied. It makes me feel like I /should/ be strong, that if people keep saying I am, why can't I actually just get over myself and do this thing? It achieves the absolute opposite of what it attempts.
I guess sometimes, I wish it was allowed to be weak. I understand that the people saying this has no ill will, but when it's the only adjective people can think of to call someone who's ill it gets frustrating and upsetting. I guess it's better than when everyone thought I was lazy and asocial, but it makes me feel even sicker than I am. Tell me that you love me, that you hope I'll get through this, and then talk about your favorite television show or something. I don't need constant reminders of how sick I am, I know that perfectly well myself.
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self.bipolar
|
I don't think I've ever written a poem before. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
One of my best friends has been accused of sexual harassment/rape by another friend. I don't know what to do. Someone who has been a great friend to me, whom I love, has been accused of rape. To preface: I've been friends with this man for nearly 10 years now. Ill refer to him as friend A (or "A"). He has always been a great friend to me. There for me when I needed him. Always around if I wanted to hang out. Always there if I needed someone to talk to. We've been friends all throughout highschool and college. Although I don't consider him my greatest friend, he is most definitely one of my closest. Recently my greatest friend, my hetero-life partner (HLP), was told something disturbing by a mutual friend of ours. It's important to note that HLP and I are a couple years apart in age. This mutual friend (friend "B") says that when A and B were a senior and freshman, respectively, in highschool A made up a game. The game being that all the cool kids let A touch their dicks. B being a introverted, shy, anxiety ridden sort of person was too paralyzed to speak out, and let it happen. Throughout the year during the band/football season, A repeatedly grabbed B's dick without consent. Not until recently has B said anything about the incident.
This information has just come to light, and now I feel stuck in a situation where it is one friend's word against another. My HLP and his gf are vehemently on the side of friend B. They believe it's necessary to completely cut ties with A. I find myself in a position where my friend group is rapidly thinning, I feel depressed and alone most of the time, and now I'm split between two sides where either I must cut ties with one of my best friends(A), or severely hurt a relationship that has become a huge part of my life (HLP). No part of me believes that B would lie about something like this. I think it's super fucked up that A would do something like this, and I don't think I can be friends with him any longer. At the same time, I feel so alone. I don't want to lose any more friends.. especially not someone who has always been a great friend, and confidant. I feel caught between a moral problem, and my own happiness. I don't know if I'll ever be able to see A the same way again. I JUST WISH IT WASNT TRUE. I feel forced to side with HLP, friend B. In a few years they will have left me, I'll have cut ties with A, and I'll be completely, utterly, alone.
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self.depression
|
I feel so alone. I moved to Toronto for school and no one came with me . Not one of my friends, or even other people I know went to Toronto for school. The only time I talk with my friends is when we play video games, and none of them show even any remote amount of interest in my life outside that. These are people I’ve known since elementary school.
I had another group of friends I thought I was getting closer with, we were supposed to go to a New Years party together. They ditched me, I’m not sure why, or what happened. I think it might have been accidental, but none of them cared enough to try and fix it.
Also just found out the first group of friends had a New Years party. I didn’t get invited, even though I’m back in town for the holidays.
And that’s it. That’s all my friends. Everyone I’m even remotely close with. That’s it.
I’ve been struggling with this loneliness ever since I moved, and this is kind of the cherry on top of the pile of dog shit, spending New Years playing overwatch with strangers and having emotional breakdowns at 4am. Goodnight.
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self.depression
|
i really don’t think i’ll make it till new years
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self.depression
|
I want to talk to somebody Someone out there who wanna talk? Myself i need to vent some things and im looking for advice regarding my situation. We can help.each other.
Thanks, sorry for my english
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self.depression
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I love you: An Update So about 2 months ago I posted this:
https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/71ntlm/_/
and I got a fair amount of support from people telling me that I should go through with it and tell him.
I wanted to say it in person, but things are long distance, so I didn't get a chance to do it for a very long time. However I got to spend a little time with him recently, and not only was it said, but he said it first! It was perfect.
Things are still complicated as all hell, but at least now we know how we feel about one another, and now we can start moving forward together through this crazy adventure we call life. ❤️
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self.offmychest
|
How was dealing with your first job out of college? I'm pretty much lesving already after a very short time due to this depression and the failure and shame don't help things either.
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self.depression
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I had a patient who was manic and I don’t know if I did the right thing and I can’t let it go. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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My life is not how I imagined it would be [deleted]
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self.depression
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Green tea and coffee - not good for Anxiety? Is it true? I knew this about coffee only. Green tea also is a trigger for anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
About last night Last night i was feeling down in the dumps, went to bed angry and sad at the same time. Despair turned into cold comfort. I had a dream where i took my life with the same chemicals they use at the vet shop to send our pets to sleep. Last night before going to bed i was figuring out which would be the best way to go, on a graceful manner; without making a bloody mess or hanging from a tree. i decided that these chemicals let you sleep and go out peacefully. The dream was very real and ended with me being tired and sleepy walking to my bedroom and lying down in my bed and closing my eyes for one last time, never to see the light again.
I dont mean to unsettle anyone with this. I am way calmer as of this afternoon. I was hesitant to post this, as i dont want to steal anyones time with these kind of things.
I cant let go of my life, i have three younger siblings and a cheerful dog to watch after. I just wish i did not feel like this so often at all. I hope the owner of the eyes reading this is well, wherever you are. Please be well,
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self.SuicideWatch
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I had five kittens... Me and my girlfriend got a cat late last year because we wanted some animal companionship. She was about 4 or 5 months old when we got her and she was adorable as could be. But the person we bought her from hadn't gotten her fixed and we couldn't afford to do it at the time either. A few months later we moved out of our apartment to live with a family member till things could get better. Said family member lived in a mobile home that wasn't in the greatest of shape which led to our little brat getting out and wandering into nature on her own. Mix this with her severe lust for a male cat and in just another month we found out she was pregnant.
At first we were scared because we still weren't in the best financial stance. But nevertheless you can't just give up a pregnant cat. Now another month goes by and we see the opportunity to move back out on our own and we take it. Not long after we get moved in she gives birth to 5 little kittens.
Again we are still struggling to get on our feet so we don't have the money to go buy all the cat food in the world. So we try to give them as little as possible but enough to feed her and them. We do this week after week and its getting harder and harder the less food we have. Once the kittens get old enough to eat and drink on their own we put them before her. In order to do that we have to put her in a dog crate so she doesn't trample and attack the kittens. Then we get lazy and tired of her being so aggresive and just leave her in the crate for days.
Today I wake up and figure I should check on her and the kittens. So I walk in the spare bedroom where we are keeping them and I see 2 kittens lying on the floor and one walking around meowing. They have plenty of food left in their bowls so I figure they are all good and the 2 on the floor are sleeping. I walk closer to the cat in her crate and realize there is another kitten in the crate with her. And its not moving... I take a closer look and there's a piece of the 5th kittens skull on the floor. She ate one of them and killed the other. One of the ones lying outside the crate is dead too. I have no idea how it died but I'm absolutely mortified. I make sure the other 2 kittens are still alive and they are. But they seem to have no energy.
At this point I just don't know what to do. I feel like this is my fault because my girlfriend checked on them more than I do and I just got extremely lazy. Because of my laziness 3 kittens are dead. My girlfriend is at work and I can't call her to tell her. I know she's going to be furious and extremely sad.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm a minority. And my kids' daycare teachers are racists. Throwaway for privacy reason. But I really need to get this off my chest. I apologize if I am incoherent. Story telling has never been my forte.
 
Both my wife and I are Asians. We live in Midwest, suburban area. We send our two young kids, girl (6), and boy (3) to our nearby, well-established daycare. My daughter is one sweet little girl. My boy is rather daring, but I think he's pretty smart as hell for his age. They have been there since they were infants. Truth be told, my wife and I both thought the daycare is an absolute godsent. All teachers seem very nice, and often my kids would come home to show us what they've learned.
 
For me, that perception ended earlier today.
 
I ran into one of the teachers, who is an African American, and we had great conversations about various things, including our pasts, our plans for the futures, and obviously my kids. However, she did slip out that there's a concern there that will cause her not to stay there for more than half a year from now. I pressed, but she hesitantly refused. I confided her that I would not tell anyone, but if she would not tell me, at least confirm with me that both of my children are safe. She said yes. I felt relieved, but obviously something is still there. I pressed a bit more, and she confessed to me.
 
My son's daycare teacher is a racist. Along with another one in the class next door. Now, while nothing physically has been done to my son (as far as we know):
 
* When my son cries, she would lock him up in the open restroom in-between two classes. And also let him cry in the corner, being completely ignored.
 
* Would insult him by nicknaming him "Ching Chong" or straight up "Chinese kid". Neither my wife and I are Chinese.
 
* One time, when my son got fuzzy, the teacher stated something along the line of "I don't know what you do at home, but we don't do your Japanese whining around here"
 
* I am not sure if this is specifically that teacher, but also rumor spreading that I don't love my son and the back of his head is flat because his father (me) has been hitting him in the back of the head since he was very little.
 
 
The teacher who confessed this to me said she already recorded everything and raised the issue. One parent of a minority child, who I assume received the same treatment, already found out about this, pulled her child from the school, and her relative who is an attorney is in the process of doing something about it. The issue seems to escalate to the point that the corporate/headquarter even came down to daycare this week to monitor. The teachers, however, are still there.
 
The thing is - I **want** to do something about it. But I already swore to the teacher that I would not, and allow her some time for things to transpire. If I raise issues about it, they would know that she would be the only one who could of told me. I do not know about internal investigation procedure or legality, but she is afraid she would immediately lose her job over discussing this matter with me. Even as I type this right now, I still have not told me wife about this. Nor do I plan to. After all, this teacher could have just not tell me a single thing. But she did. She trusts me enough to confess, and the last thing I want to do is betray her.
 
Now, had my son been in danger physically, I would have zero issue breaking that trust, and make action immediately. That does not seems to be the case at this point. I eventually want to teach my kids that, as minorities, racism is real. People will look at us differently. Treat us differently. Call us names. And I want to teach them to stand up for themselves. But right now, my son is way to young to understand. He does not know what being called "Ching chong" signifies. He's too innocent, too young for that.
 
The teacher who I talked to said that she will make sure the public knows about this as soon as her job here is over. But until then, all she could do is actively record and report this internally to higher-ups to best protect my child and any other minority children from within. Truth be told, I simply just want to see these two racist teachers fired, and raise hell with the dean of the school. Right now there are so many questions I have for the dean, the teacher who confiding me with the information, and the headquarter of this franchise. There are a lot of unknowns that I want answered. But I feel like I'm completely shackled down by the promise I made to the teacher not to tell anyone. Hence, I come here to vent off my chest as an anonymous, because I can't tell anyone I know around me.
 
I plan to dig deep further into this the next time I run into this same teacher. And I want to find out more what exactly is being done. I want to be able to raise this as high up as I can without jeopardizing this teacher's remaining career with this daycare, while forcing the racist ones out.
 
I feel like I'm being a horrible parent for allowing this to continue, and choose the teacher's career over my son's 100% well-being. But I do feel like I truly owe her for even letting me know about this, otherwise I would have been oblivious to the whole ordeal. And honestly, with this holing up inside of me, I might not last long before I storm into the daycare, confront the dean, and pull both of my kids out. But until then, I just want to vent and let someone listen to my issue, that I am not even willing to tell my wife about it (yet).
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self.offmychest
|
Stuck, badly. I'm just going to sort of bullet point the variables and issues here:
- was abused by my mom who had a form of narcissism where she would pretend her kids were disabled or abusive to get attention for herself
- was also bullied
- was rescued by CPS and lived with my dad and my brother who fought with each other. My dad was verbally and emotionally abusive. My brother was too, sometimes physical.
- my brother moved out. Now my one sister has ocd and can't be near anything that triggers her, which includes her family.
- my other sister is showing traits of narcissism and everyone can see it and she takes it out on me
- I have depression, OCD, anxiety, and along with my OCD I'm very paranoid, and very introverted
- I have no financial support other than my dad so I don't know how I'll move away
- sister who is narcissistic bought house that I was abused in. Put all of my stuff into storage. Lost it all. She doesn't know where any of my art or even legal documents are.
- she invited my dad and I over to decorate her house for thanksgiving. In recent events my sister had ruined them and bullied me along with others. I actually took a multi hour bus ride home just to get away from her abusive behavior.
- I told my dad I don't want to go. My dad says he doesn't want tot all about thanksgiving anymore and says I have a "fulfilled prophecy complex" where I expect things to happen so they do. I just know shit is going to happen because it happens. Every. Fucking. Time. He says he wants the family to get together. She didn't even invite our brother. It's all or nothing for him but it wasn't even all in the first place.
- the holidays make me want to kill myself. I hate Christmas. I hate thanksgiving. Everyone's so happy and blissfully ignorant, and while even though I know others have it worse, I just want to hang myself. I'll get really intense visions of me hanging on a noose, or me bleeding out in a bathtub. It's all I think about. My dad knows I'm depressed. Calls me "negative" and "over dramatic" and "hyper sensitive." I want to die so badly. I want to die. I don't focus ONLY on the negatives, I'm just honest. He just pretends there are no negatives. And he seems to forget I'm depressed, he even pays for me to go to therapy.
Some more problems:
- my uncle recently threw me under the bus when I asked him for help. He told me he'd convince my dad to get me a car so I could escape the house whenever my dad would get a abusive. Accidentally texts me saying that I'm being a brat, saying that my dad is right, and although I'm being annoying I need a car. I told him to fuck off and that I didn't want the car anymore. My uncle got mad and said he did it for me, when I now know he was protecting himself. All he did was enable my dad, and make me look worse. And my dad found out and still thinks genuinely about what my uncle said, who knows, maybe he meant it.
- my friends in college have already moved away, found apartments, found internships, and I know we are only freshmen, but I'm so behind. I'm so behind and no one knows that I cut myself. What and I going to do? Have my dad walk me into the hospital? Call CPS when I'm legally an adult? Move out when I am going to school full time? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
I'm so fucked. I'm so so fucked. I don't want to die. I'm just extremely fucked right now. I'm so sincerely, genuinely, fucked. I want to tell the world. I want to help others going through this, but as long as I am financially dependent on my dad, I must be silent, and it's killing me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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In a dark place and feeling angry. Need a vent. [deleted]
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self.depression
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How do you get past mental blocks, even when you know they're irrational? (self-rant) Hey reddit.
I'm a 2nd year @ university with social anxiety, and I'm finding it (and have always found it) very difficult to talk to people past the usual chitchat in class. I'm alright @ casually talking to people in class/clubs; I'm not the loudest, but I definitely talk more than average. But when it comes to going further (yeah I have them on FB, now I have to message them) I struggle. I always look for reciprocation in people (if they ask if I want to go to something, I can ask them) but it just seems that the other person is never the one to pick up their phone and text/call me. I feel like if I text/call first, it will seem needy, they'll judge me, and I'll look like an idiot. I talk regularly to a handful of people through classes, but even with them I can't find it in myself to offer to grab a coffee / study together / shop downtown. I know these people wouldn't look negatively if I asked, I know (pretty sure) that would be interested in meeting outside of class, but I just can't find it in myself to ask them. The fact that no one has asked me this semester to do something other than studying (go to X event or grab a coffee at Y o'clock) doesn't help. I can't help but feel incredibly self-conscious (what am I doing wrong in class/club that makes people not want to hangout?)
In terms of meeting other people, I unfortunately don't have many consistent clubs that I can go to (tried and failed to keep going to them @ start of year) and I'm a commuter.
Now to you guys: How do you get past your mental block? I've tried just about everything: therapy (tried 4 different therapists/social workers, still have sessions with 1 now), CBT, Mindfulness, etc... but nothing seems to work. I've had several therapists tell me that I've essentially done everything right, I just have to ask people. But I can't seem to get past that mental block.
Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
|
Has anyone else stopped telling people how they're really feeling? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Can’t deal with it I’m not articulate right now. I’m crying a lot. Everyone I know is super critical of me and can’t find anything good to say, think, or feel about me. I miss my eating disorder. At least hurting myself gave me some kind of worth as a person. Everything inside my head SUCKS and I’ve been patiently taking medications and waiting for them to work and I’m gonna need someone to give me a good reason why I should keep waiting because I’m almost at the end of my rope with living like this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Some Words From My Head I hate to sound like *that guy*, but does anyone here receive any professional help? I went through this shit phase once, but I've got my shit all cleared up now. Yeah, I'm still alone or whatever, but I've learned to accept it while discovering a chemical imbalance in my brain from a trusted psychologist. I mean, with this generation it's like 50% are angsty teens, upset over simple things who glorify this shit then there's another 50% who seriously suffer. Who are mentally ill. It bothers me that this sub even exists, knowing there are so many people who need help, turning to an inappropriate source. I understand a support group, but I've yet to see anything empowering here. Just shit that'll make even the sanest, happiest person kill their fucking self.
I suggest opening completely up to someone with a degree and credentials to aid you, not a bunch of kids on the internet. There could be something seriously screwed in your psyche and you may need medication or another form of treatment. There are also infections/diseases (and types of cancer, even) that can cause severe depression and addictions in people. Most don't find out 'til too late, when it spreads or whatever. Just a few words from my head... I wish you all a great 2018! My PM is always open!
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self.depression
|
Accused of a henious crime i didnt commit Im either thinking of running away and trying to make it by hunting and fishing for the rest of my life or killing myself. I feel as though i should give myself the chance of the prior before the latter as the end result would be the same if the prior fails:death by suicide. Who knows, maybe one day society will collapse and i can communicate with others again. I know that sounds a bit crazy but i dont see any other choices. Thoughts?
Edit: to those who say hire lawyer: The person who did this to me has solid "evidence". I know it wont end well and my family and everyone i know will think me a monster :(. I wish i could just fall asleep and never wake up so this nightmare could go away.
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self.SuicideWatch
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X-post Everyone hates me at work and they're forcing me to work more so they can goof off I used do a certain amount of work. Let's say 100%. It was fine if a little stressful at times. I worked 8 hours a day.
We hired another guy and now I do 55% of the work.
For the last year, this guy has been lazy, slow, and the quality of his work shit.
Yet, everyone loves him. When the director told me there had been complaints from clients I honestly reported that "Arthur" usually is on his cellphone, smoking outside, chatting with people, etc. Nothing was done and my supervisor never forgave me. She ranted at me in private about it. She chats with Arthur maybe a total of an hour a day. She's married but acts like she has a crush of Arthur.
Even though Arthur has been fine with the work for a year, recently he's been staying two - three hours overtime on a regular basis.
Either he's gaming the system, working slow to gain overtime pay or he's grossly incompetent and getting worse.
Now the director and my supervisor are pushing me to take 77% of the work. Even through it wasn't decided yet, today the front desk sent one of his clients to me. During the meeting, I could hear Arthur laughing and chatting with another employee. This is my future. Me working so he doesn't have too.
Nothing talks to me unless it's strictly about work. No one seems to notice this guy is a clown. Everyone loves him and fuck me.
I don't want to work to create a paradise for this guy. I have no friends. I was raped when I was 8. I've been bullied and abused my whole life. I don't know why people hate me. I don't know how to fix myself. I might as well kill myself instead. I don't see anyway out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
merry christmas. i love you i want to go to heaven, like, i don't really believe in god or heaven but i just wish i could go to sleep forever and have a good dream. i never have good dreams in real life and i'm so tired. suicide's so messy and lonely and terrifying, i can never do it, i haven't tried in a long time. and everything hurts again like it always does and i have no one to tell who hasn't heard it before. i get like this too much. i love the world and i love people, i love you who are reading this and are probably so sad too, but i just don't know how to live. i won't do it today, i probably will at some point in my life, or maybe i won't but i don't see it ending any other way. i'll refrain from berating myself about it. i'm tired. i love you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate normal people Why are the other people around me normal and don't need antidepressants? Why do I think like this and why do I need to go to the doctor and be prescribed antidepressants? Why do they love life and love each other and have fun? Why do they have sex and physically consummate their love for each other and I can't?
This is new; I've never felt this angry before a month or two ago and now I spend every night hating myself outside of school.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I lost my crush and that is the last straw [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I've never achieved anything ive set out to do and I hate myself for it [deleted]
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self.depression
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Exhausted by depression Throwaway because my other account is related to my occupation. TLDR: sick of the grind of depression, no support system, just need to get it out.
Basically, I have no will to live. I don’t want to kill myself, but I wouldn’t mind ceasing to exist. I’ve been like this one other time in my life-when I was 15 and hospitalized for 4 weeks. During that time, however, I did want to die. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin from anxiety but at the same time, I have zero energy or motivation to get out of bed. Recently I’ve had some serious financial problems, but nothing else has changed. I have an amazing job that people dream of and thousands of people would take in a second.I live in a beautiful area of the country, and I have food to eat and a roof over my head. I have a couple friends and a boyfriend and two cats. I’m so depressed at this point that the none of this seems to matter. I just want to sleep as much as possible.
I’ve been on and off antidepressants since I was 9 years old (28 now) and it’s been 3 solid years with none. I felt good for a long time and one of the worst parts of this is knowing that at any time, for the rest of my life this can and will return. For no reason. And I worked so hard to wean off medications and it’s very discouraging to know it’s time again.
I have a doctors apt at the end of January to ask to be put back on meds. Definitely not looking forward to the usual 6 week haze that follows. I’m also in the medical field, and sadly there is a pretty big stigma associated with mental health. It’s not respected and no one talks about it. Patients with it are taken less seriously. I feel very alone. I’m estranged from my family for many years and moved across the country 3 years ago and have a very small circle (like 3 people.)
I guess I just needed to get it out. And continue to analyze how I’m going to make it and function for the next 4 weeks (and then 6 weeks for full effect of meds) and I’m just sick and literally tired of the beast called depression. I know it can get better, I’m just tired of waiting.
*edit typos
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self.depression
|
Opinions on marijuana as a mood elevator for BP2? I use marijuana in small amounts in the day to elevate my mood during depressive weeks. When I'm hypomanic, it helps me calm down and stay productive and happy. Takes the anxiety away during hypomania but elevates my mood and gets me productive during depression.
Opinions? My meds are Lexapro (3rd week on new dose, finally starting to feel ok) and propranolol (I try to avoid this because it makes me lazy as shit if I am not on my way to something productive).
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self.bipolar
|
You're not required to stop your life and risk your own health to try and help/fix a friend who's feeling suicidal Don't make people feel bad for not being able to handle their friend's mental breakdown without reaching for outside help.
Like calling the police/hospital
There's a facebook post going around that's stating that if you're friend is having a mental break and is suicidal, then you shouldn't call the cops/hospital. It claims that you **need** to go over there yourself, or to call their family (which by the way is *the worst possible idea* because a good portion of the time their break may be *caused* by family), or to call a neighbor (Maybe if they are close to a neighbor, but you need to be sure), or to 'call the guy who owns the bar next door' (???? Why would this even be a consideration????).
Sometimes calling the police/hospital for your friend is the best solution. However, you need to be absolutely sure they are seriously going to hurt themselves. Don't feel bad if you can't make it to your friend, or if you know you can't help them for *whatever* reason. It's not your fault if you need to reach out to someone official to help.
Actually, encouraging your friend to call a suicide hotline if you are unable to stay talking to them is probably a better idea than **anything mentioned on that stupid facebook post**.
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self.offmychest
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She gave me the ring back, now I'm lost. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Weird head sensations before bed? Hard to explain. Ill try my best [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I lasted 3 months. I guess I'll just vent/ramble since I don't have anyone I'm comfortable sharing my feelings with in person. The last time I felt noticeably depressed to the point where I could feel it in me was 3 months ago, in those 3 months I wasn't happy but I wasn't depressed. I made friends, school, work, very minimal thoughts of suicide (1-2). It was great, but I started to feel it set in again. I'm distancinf myself away from people again, my temper is short, think of suicide a lot, very little motivation to do anything; At work I've left terrible closing shifts for a solid week in a row, I started slacking off majorly with my school, blah blah blah. Anyways hello again seems like I'm really not worthy of anything.
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self.depression
|
My girlfriend need's help and I don't know what to do Hi,
Recently my girlfriend and I (7 years together) have purchased a house together. We've been living here for 4 months now.
At first she was a bit teary and telling me she was homesick.
Now everyday when she comes home is she is upset or angry or down or is generally moody. Throughout the night she will have likely 1 or 2 'breakdowns' and start crying. She tells me she is never sure why or she tells me it is to do with her parents being divorced.
Recently they've been happening more frequently and it is driving us apart, I really want to help her as much as I can but nothing I say or do seems to get us anywhere and within a few hours we are right back at where we started.
If anyone has any advice or links or anything they can offer to help it would be much appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
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self.depression
|
Is it gonna get better ? I have seen people said it is going to get better, that it will pass or it is just a phase but is it really ? It is so tiring and frustrating when you feel like there is no way out except one that will not make you feel anymore. They say talk to people but people, do they understand ?
I am so fucking tired. And alone. Goodnight.
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self.depression
|
Just got told by my friend to stop talking about my depressive thoughts. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
am I an offender a lot more than a victim? so, hello my name is Depri (not really). my diagnosis is type II bipolar disorder but it took about 26 years of treatment to get the diagnosis. it turns out it's a very difficult illness to diagnose. my hypomania went undetected for all this time because it mainly consists of rage and irritability. I'm going to try and be as brief as possible but this is long so bear with me and please I appreciate honesty, really, but be easy on me, this is difficult for me and in other subreddits I haven't experienced such kindness. my request is for your opinion on how I stand in life and whether I could be a lot more like an offender than I am a victim.
something that happened when I was 18: my mother took my two younger siblings and fled my home openly justifying herself with the reason that the mental health crisis I was going through at the time put an unbearable strain on her and she couldn't share a roof anymore. I experienced this as abandonment and it scarred me, especially since I nver heard from her again, I only ocassionally see my brother at my grandparents, never again heard from or saw my sister or mother. at first I owned up to the responsibility of her exit, feeling absolutely horrible about myself until a well-meaning family member pointed out that she had abandoned me on account of my mental illness and never looked back which positioned me in a place where I wasn't the one responsible for the break up of the family. only yesterday, 11 years after all this, I came to find out that my parents had consulted at least about 2-3 psychiatrists behind my back, one of which went as far as to diagnose me (I never met this physician or even knew this was happening). apparently because I self harmed, was very angry and threw fits and was also suicidal at least one of these psychiatrists gave a medical instruction to my mother and siblings to flee the home because my behaviour was a sign of them being in imminent danger in their physical safety (I, to this day, don't have a single record of ever hurting anyone physically). these piece of news I got only yesterday shocked me so much, from my own point of view I couldn't understand why a doctor would advise a mother to leave their daughter behind. so, because I didn't want to discuss this offline and was very confused, I posted this issue in a relationship subreddit. and honestly the answers made me doubt myself greatly. the commenters pointed out that the fact that they fled and never looked back was telling of how toxic a person I was and how they needed me away for their own health (I've since deleted the post out of paranoia that someone I knew would read it). that if a psychiatrist was behind this then the signs of danger were clear. I don't particularly enjoy simply not owning up to my mistakes and being in denial so I considered they could be right. so basically I'm contemplating having done a world of damage as an 18 year old and just trying to understand if I really am a toxic enough person that being left behind by their own family is actually medical advise. I don't rule this out. what I am saying is that, for someone who never wished to hurt anyone ever, this is a lot of owning up to do.
I've also been to the "raised by narcissists" subreddit and honestly those stories make me doubt myself greatly.
that was yesterday. yesterday was an ugly day because of this, but the previous ones weren't so easy either. I'm having a hard time in general with things but that's besides the point of the post. today my partner of 4 months and only reciprocated crush of my life left me. his reasons all had to do with behavioural issues I have, such as a constant bad mood, not being at all affectionate, and a lack of control of negative emotions. honestly even as heartbroken as I am right now I couldn't blame him, even at the worst of the conversation and even as he was saying his decision was final. I aknowledged I am that way. to put it lightly, "difficult". he's not perfect either but as soon as he gave me his reasons I knew I had no one to blame but myself for the break up.
so I have two days in a row of evidence that I am not the victim I make myself out to be.
I am occupied in the medical field and as shocked and sad I was when I learned I had BD II I was actually quite relieved not to have a personality disorder instead, of the type where you're always the victim and it's always someone else's fault. but I am beginning to really doubt myself in this regard and need some outside perspective.
**tl;dr** how can you ever draw the line between your position as a victim of wrongdoing and actually having responsibility over negative events?
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone feel stuck? You want to get help, but you don't want to go to anyone because you risk the chance of ruining any relationship and then you get into that mood and want to get help but it just keeps on cycling.
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self.depression
|
Bad work environment, not sure how long I can hang on I'll spare the details, but I have been in an extremely toxic work environment for awhile.
I've been applying for jobs but haven't really found anything or heard back, all of the jobs I have heard back from ended up sounding like I wouldn't be happy there, either. But at the same time, no one's still even offered me a job yet.
Things at my current job are getting just really, really bad and no one will help me. The people in power are the ones making my life hell.
The problem is I can't find another job with comparable pay and benefits...which is still not even that much pay to begin with.
So I feel stuck here.
I just don't know how much longer I can stay here in this job...I'm having a hard time hanging on. :(
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self.depression
|
Am searching for an album music The album picture has spinal cord and the coccyx is shaped as heart
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self.bipolar
|
Has anyone tried Betterhelp, Talkspace, or any other similar mobile based therapy?? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I like porn that depicts rape, which makes me feel bad, and I don't see why it's OK just because it's a fantasy [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Need input on xanax (thinking to swhtching to it just scared) I’ve been prescribed Wellbutrin and Prozac for Anxiety and None have worked. I’ve thought about asking my doctor about Xanax or a similaf Type of drug and heard small doses of Xanax isn’t very dangerous but still worried to talk to my doctor About it. Any input on this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone drink daily? Worst year of my life. I used to cut myself and alot of other destructive things(i've more or less stopped those things). Things getting worse. Im trying to get better/improve but I just want a way to cope and feel better. Theres no need to suggest anything else. Ive either tried it, wont try it because its not for me, or due to my circumstances cant do it. I thought I could just start drinking again. Atleast until things get better. Im confident that I can stop if/when i need to im just thinking about the health effects. Atleast i'd legitimately be happy while im drunk so i'd rather do that than say cutting myself or od'ing on medication.
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self.depression
|
‘Permanent solution to a momentary problem’ But no. It isn’t. It’s not momentary. This is life. I’m going to be like this my entire life. Il feel this way when I’m 30 and being an adult. Il feel this way when I’m 60 and starting to retire. Il feel like this when I’m 80 and on my deathbed. This is my life; an endless stream of constant ‘momentary problems’.
Imagine a lifetimes worth of pain and misery, ended in just a single pill, trigger pull or cut. Yet, I can’t bring myself to do it. Yet I ask others not to.
I don’t condone suicide. I don’t want to die. But, sometimes, I do wonder; what’s so great about living this Groundhog Day of ‘momentary problems’ over and over again.
The only ‘momentary problem’ here is me. Me, myself, I, my brain, my mind. And sometimes, sometimes I’m glad this ‘problem’(me) is only momentary.
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self.depression
|
I like to masturbate with strangers online. I often go to random cam sites and look for girls to masturbate with and when I can't find one I go to the gay section and find guys that look effeminate enough and make them wear women's clothes (I don't know if that makes me gay). I guess I like to show my penis, even though it's not really big. Does anybody else do this?
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self.offmychest
|
I Like being sad. I enjoy feeling sad for some reason. It's like some sort of addiction.
and i don't know if i want to stop it.
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self.depression
|
fear of checking my email,voicemail tied to rejection I've experienced a lack of many things in my life.Lack of a decent K-12 education.Lack of functional parents.Lack of money.Lack of resources.Lack of a happy loving supportive stable family.Lack of a car.Lack of freedom.All of them stemming from my upbringing in poverty.Because money=choice & when you are poor you constantly hear the word "No".Throughout my teen yrs I would constantly worry if I was going to lose this or that.I never felt safe or secure in anything.I think that contributed a great deal to my anxiety issues.
Now,as an adult (just turned 30 on Dec 9) I can't bring myself to check my email.I'm afraid of someone emailing me with a rejection,denial etc.Or someone emailing me hateful judgemental things.Why check my email when my whole life could be taken away....in an email.I have trouble checking my voicemail for the same reason.Now I have developed a "voicemail stutter" when I try to leave a message and its pretty bad.Half the time I can get through it but its brought on by my nerves,I guess.I think I would be happier if this whole world was empty & I was the only one left.Then there would be no judgement.I'm far more forgiving than most people.If I sound too simplistic its because I am currently undergoing adult testing for autism spectrum disorder (Asperger's I think,now its called Social Communication Disorder which I'm unsure about the name change).
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self.Anxiety
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Dissociation experiences I'm working on a project and I need to write about some experiences with dissociation, I've never had an experience myself so if anyone can share one of their experiences, be it a small one, or a massive one, anything would help. Thanks.
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self.depression
|
I must die in a few hours! My plan was actually to end it a few weeks ago, but I didn't went by it for some reason and from that time on till now, it was pure torture. I'm literally done and tomorrow, the coming days, weeks, months and years will be worse, so I must get the hell out of here.
I've thought about vanishing for life, but my suffering will not stop or minimize to the level I want it to be.
If I'm not dead by this midnight, then for sure I will be crazy and I don't want my family to see me like this. I've been internally dead for the last 2 years, but I will be physically dead and become nothing for eternal in a few hours.
By the way, it will be via short drop hanging (I've no gun or grenade like I previously had).
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't want to feel like this anymore. Everyday all I feel is either mindnumbing numbness, sadness, or anxiety to the point of me not wanting to do anything. Today has been one of the worst days, and nothing bad has even happened. Hell, yesterday I got to make out with a guy I really like.
I guess the anxiety has been really bad today, because I think the guy I really like and I's relationship has been just... fucked up by it. I dunno. I was awkward and shitty yesterday. I'm awkward and shitty today. I feel so trapped. I don't want to feel anxious anymore.
I've been crying most of the day, for no reason. I just can't find any reason *not* to cry.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My pharmacy gave me bupropion (Wellbutrin) from a different manufacturer and it stopped working If your pills suddenly change in size/shape, it is likely that a different manufacturer has made them. You might think all generics are made equal, but in fact, they are not.
I was on generic bupropion (Wellbutrin) 300 mg XR for a few months. It worked very well for me, and additionally helped me quit smoking completely. Bupropion is often prescribed for anti-smoking, and when I've attempted to smoke while taking it, I don't get a buzz at all.
When I got my refill last month, I noticed the shape had changed from an oblong tablet to a round pill. It was still labeled as bupropion 300 mg XR, so I figured it didn't matter. A couple weeks after that change, I've been experiencing horrible depression. I have insomnia and can't sleep until 3-4 am sometimes. My anxiety levels are higher every day, and my phobias of public places (Walmart especially) is getting stronger. Also, I started smoking again.
I reported it to my pharmacy and they have ordered the old manufacturer again, with a "Do Not Substitute" order as well. Turns out, [this is a really common problem with bupropion](https://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2017/07/17/problems-with-generic-wellbutrin-bupropion-not-again/), and despite numerous FDA complaints and reviews, it continues to happen. I'm sure the FDA has a lovely "free market" excuse as to why they cannot enforce consistent manufacturing of bupropion generics.
I'm posting this just as a warning. If your generic medications change, and you feel like they aren't working anymore, they likely aren't. Let your pharmacy know immediately and demand the version that works!
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self.bipolar
|
Does this happen to anyone else here? Hey guys,
I've been dealing with anxiety my whole life and I just wanted to ask if what I experience regularly happens to anyone else. So, as with anyone else that has anxiety, throughout the day Im constantly questioning myself, double guessing, overthinking and just generally anxious. But when my anxiety level starts to rise (for example when Im talking to someone/doing a speech or something like that), something weird happens.
For example yesterday I was doing a group critique in my art class with my teacher and a few other students and it was my turn to present my work. Every time that I'm in a situation like this, Ill start to get warm and when my anxiety reaches a peak I start to feel very off. It's almost like being high or drunk without any of the good parts. Things seem blurry even though I can see everything clearly, it's hard to focus on other people talking even though I can hear them, and it almost feels like a different world even though I'm very aware that its not. It's feels like a kind of survival mode where I can't really concentrate fully on anything but am just trying to seem normal until I can get out of the situation. I guess I feel detached or removed and everything feels fuzzy. Its very hard to describe but it happens often to me.
The reason I'm asking is because whenever I hear about anxiety, its usually associated with panic attacks, but I'm not sure if this is the same thing. I'll never end up hyperventilating or anything like that, in fact it's so strange because I can act pretty damn normal on the outside compared to how crazy everything seems on the inside when Im going through one of these moments. So would you classify this as a panic attack or is it something else? And does anyone else have experience with this?
Thanks.
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self.Anxiety
|
So, today's my birthday. Over the years I have spoilt my relationship with all my friends that I have no one to wish me. I have never felt so alone in my life. And seeing others celebrate their birthdays so amazingly just makes me feel so much more worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them that they are happy and don't have to go through the things that I have to, but then again what did I do to deserve all of this.
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self.bipolar
|
I’m really done.. gonna start preparing I’m just tired. been suicidal for 6+ years and suicidal daily nonstop for like 4 years. I can’t change my life in the way I need to in order to feel even a little better. so I’m just fucked. and I’m not gonna make myself keep suffering. I live with family but haven’t spoken to or really seen them for a month now and they’re doing so much better without me. I tried to kill myself when i was 8 and I really wish it had worked, they’d be so much better without me all together. so I’m really ready and done. I’m gonna start getting ready to kill myself by just cleaning up, writing a ‘will’, and figuring out what i want to say in my note.
I’m not posting for the ‘don’t kill yourself’ stuff just because it makes me feel less alone with other people who are suicidal too
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self.SuicideWatch
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We are sinking further in debt and I don't know what to do [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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To my neighbour: You owe me an apology When I first saw you, I thought there goes a fantastic woman, a woman people can look up to, a woman who has made her way in the world, a woman you can depend on and admire. A woman who is strong, a woman who "gets it".
We probably traded jokes once in awhile passing by. I'm easy-going and full of laughter and you're always very serious and busy commanding the crew of gardeners outside your yard to plants those perfect veggies.
So I want to be clear with you just so there's no confusion: *No, I am not interested in your husband.* Sure, we chit chat once in awhile, he may give me some tips on how to plant the perfect cabbage, but dear neighbour, what kind of person do you think I am?
I have no romantic interest in your husband whatsoever. I am not interested in men who are MARRIED. I am not even interested in men who are even LEGALLY SEPARATED or on the verge of divorce! I have no interest in men with messy love lives with multiple lovers in the background! Please listen to me, I have no interest in your man! Stop confusing me with all the other women your husband talks to! I've only been perfectly neighbourly and platonic in my interactions with him.
I have always liked you, admired you and DEFENDED you, so I think you owe me an apology.
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self.offmychest
|
I tried to make a friend and it didn’t go so well So I spend a lot of time by myself because I don’t have very many friends and the friends that I do have are too busy to hang out, and it gets to be on the lonely side.. So today I invited a guy over to come play video games with my little sister and I and he strictly knew that’s all I was comfortable with doing (which he said he was cool with) but it seems to us like he didn’t care. He’d been chilling in my room with us, on separate sides of the bed, when he starts scooting closer and closer. At one point he turned towards me and stuck his hand down his pants (he did that a couple of times whenever he’d scoot closer) while my 14 year old sister was sitting on the bed with us. I felt uncomfortable enough that I had to leave the room and go sit with my mom in her room. We ended up having my sister tell him I was throwing up and I just want to go to bed so that he would leave. I’ve never felt this uncomfortable around someone, to the point of feeling super nauseous. One of my friends that I told, told me I should have known what to expect and that guys want sex. I know I’m probably overreacting and over analyzing it all, but it was just a situation that I wanted to get out of..
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self.offmychest
|
Let me vent. I need to get this outside of my head. I feel: I'm fat. I'm below average in appearance. I'm below average dick length. I'm lazy and unmotivated. I'm depressed. I can't keep friends. I don't know how to open up to people. I've been day dreaming at work all morning about how to get rid of my financial woes. I want to drive to Alaska and disappear. Makes me feel like a child because I can't fucking confront life's shit. Nothing makes me happy. I work a decent job with less than decent pay because I can't find the motivation to find something that pays more because I don't give a fuck about the field. I'm an asshole. I'm short for a guy. I'm balding. I feel lost in life. I can't be intimate with women because I feel incredibly inadequate. I don't know what I want with life. I can't afford health insurance because I'm over there threshold for Medicaid. I need to see a therapist butt can't afford it. My car's a piece of shit and likely to die soon. I feel uncomfortable in my body. I'm at least average intelligence, but I can't form complex ideas in real time during conversation. I'm a 31 year old failure of a person with a desolate and nihilistic outlook on life and the future. Hopefully sending this into the Reddit ether will help, if only temporarily. I'm not looking for kind words or any help, per se.
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self.offmychest
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Looking for some friends Hey I was wondering if anyone between the ages of 15-18 (I just find it easier to talk to people around my age, I'm 17) would want to join my Reddit chat group for people who are introverted or suck at socializing like me (don't worry if you just want to listen that's fine too)
Some things I like
Soccer
Tv/movies
Music
Working out
Video games
Lots of other things also
Just pm me or send a message to this post if you want in and I will add you
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self.Anxiety
|
Everyone wants to listen once it’s become too much. Once you break down and finally let it show. Those that had no clue suddenly care and those that have cared are nowhere to be found. I’m fucking tired of this shit man. If I’m so willing to let go then who the hell are you to want me to stay all of the sudden?
Why are all my jokes funny now?
Why do you care *now*?
Everyone likes me and not a god damn one loves me. Geese, what a wonderful world this is for me.
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self.depression
|
Uncontrollable Spending Does anyone have any tips for how to handle spending while manic or even when feeling calm? I have spent over $1100 this week on clothes and shoes, and even spent extra to pay for rushed shipping. I used to only spend when I felt manic but now I can't stop. I talked to my therapist about it and we established some spending "rules" but I'm having trouble getting disciplined. Thoughts/tips?
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self.bipolar
|
Bipolar type 1 on JUST Lithium Any Bipolar type 1s out there on just Lithium and nothing else? I’m on Lithium and Latuda, but Latuda is outrageously expensive and caused me to gain weight. I want to lower my dosage of Latuda, but if there’s any chance of me being fine on Lithium alone, I want to pursue it. I don’t deal with depression really, just one terrible episode of mania and hypomania leading up to it. Any thoughts? I’m only going to change meds if my doc allows it of course, but I wish I could part ways with Latuda.
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self.bipolar
|
Even With severe anxiety, i called to support net neutrality! I have pretty severe anxiety, and even phone calls make me squirm and shake. But I know that this is something worth fighting through my anxiety. [This website](https://www.battleforthenet.com/) is awesome because it literally provides a script that you can directly read to your representative. I was very proud of myself, even though my voice was shaking and I sounded like a robot. And yes, I plan to make this call daily going forward.
Please, please don't stay silent! I know it's hard, but it's extremely important.
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self.Anxiety
|
lonely, depressed, and generally useless i'm 24. no college degree. just started a part time supervisor position of a store at the mall. i still live in my moms house and nothing carries any real weight to me, including the things i know i'm passionate about. it seems like everything i want to do i should've been doing since i was a kid, so i feel like i'm always behind and will never get anywhere. i get that i'm still young and i have a lot of time left to do shit but i don't get that feeling. i've wasted my life up to this point and i don't really see anything getting any better
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self.depression
|
My Favourite Erotic Literature Writer Disappeared... On a site that I frequent, an author who wrote amazing stories left the site, deleting their account and all their stories. (I read them for the plot rather than the erotic parts, sad as that is.)
I later managed to find out that they gave a warning that they were gonna delete their account, but I missed it. They didn't give a reason why.
I'm sorta sad about it now and I'll miss their work but I'll soon be over it. I just hope they left because they were gonna get published rather than anything bad.
Anyway, there's my there's my aimless vent (can't really do this with anyone I know, that would involve admitting I read erotic literature and that I only read it for the plot.) I hope anyone who reads this finds my minor sadness amusing, this isn't really as sad or serious as some of the other things on here, I just wanted a place to cast this into the void.
Thanks for reading, have a great day.
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self.offmychest
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Fighting depression... Where Can I Find The Type Of People I'm Looking For Online? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm gonna die alone lol Never going to find anyone right for me. Never going to compromise with someone I'm not happy with, but I'll also never find someone I'm happy with.
Kinda feel like this is fate.
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self.depression
|
What depression is to me... It took me a while to even recognize that I have depression and have been dealing with it since about October/November 2016, around the time my youngest was born and we moved into my in-laws basement and my husband was getting ready to start school, so you know, lots of major life changes. It was so subtle to me. I knew a few times when I felt like the world was crashing down around me, but I thought I managed to shake it off. I thought if I had depression it'd feel completely crippling and like the world was ending all the time.
Now I've been learning that depression for me feels like, "Why bother trying now?"
It's staring at the mess that keeps building up because I have 2 kids (the oldest turns 3 next month) and no motivation to clean it up.
It's feeling absolutely overwhelmed by the mountain of laundry and still passing it by because I don't have the energy to deal with that right now.
It's giving up on writing because I suck anyway, when that's actually not the case, but that's what my brain tells me.
It's feeling guilty about having a girls night without the kids because then it's somehow my fault when my baby screams the whole time I'm gone instead of sleeping, even though my husband wouldn't even dream of blaming me one bit because there's no way that is actually my fault.
It's not talking to anybody about how I'm feeling because I know I'm being ridiculous and I don't think they'll take me seriously.
It's looking in the mirror and hating what I see when I used to think I was beautiful.
It's being afraid to be intimate with my husband because I'm scared that he's just trying to be nice when he says he loves my post baby body, but I think he's secretly cringing inside every time he looks at me.
And see, I know deep down that all of this is not true, but it's so persistent in my head that I can't think of anything else. My husband told me I need to start doing some positive affirmations every day, like a therapist told me, and I agree. The problem is, I can't think of any. Anything positive I try to say just sounds so hollow and fake. I can't take it seriously because there's this mean little voice in the back of my head laughing at me and saying, you know that's not true.
You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're not important.
Your children are going to grow up and be ashamed to call you Mom.
Your husband is going to resent you and could very possibly leave you one day because you can't pull yourself together.
You're a failure and an embarrassment.
The people around you don't really like you, they merely tolerate you.
I don't know how anyone with severe depression does it. Mine is just mild. I'm high functioning. And most people who know me can't even tell. I had to tell my husband what was going on because even he didn't know.
Sorry, I know this is long. I don't even know why I'm posting this. Even as I write this there's that voice saying no one even cares.
And there I go again, apologizing for something that requires no apology.
Anyway... here's the first time I've given voice to what I have been feeling the past year. I'm still not brave enough to say anything to anyone I know.
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self.depression
|
How do you guys do relationships? I feel like my girlfriend is literally just brought along on whatever ride I happen to be on that day. I try really hard to find a balance between keeping her informed and aware but not active participant but I haven't found anything that seems to work. I feel guilty constantly as I feel like a burden and a chore. I worry about how BPD might affect her pregnancy if we were to get there, or our kids seeing me just incapable of not crying and trying to explain it to them. I mean I could rant but I think my point is across and I more so would love to know how or if you guys are doing it or have advice or insight, bc I feel like it should almost be criminal for me to date someone and subject them to my reality.
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self.bipolar
|
Fuck my life. Just got played at work. Girl. Same old same old. I have another job. It's only part time. Just built up from homelessness after staying with a friend to a hotel. Begged and pleaded, but she's with someone else I work with after nights of flirting. Looks are not deceiving... How do I quit a job I need to not live in a tent again?
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self.depression
|
Idk anymore. I’m scared for myself. I have this emotion pent up in my head that Never goes away. It scares me because it makes me volatile and at the first feeling of being pissed off I’ll snap or do something brash like hurt myself or go off on someone. The other day it happened and I cut myself and I called my mom (I’m currently at college) to talk to her and see if that could calm me down. It didn’t. I ended up going off on her and I just didn’t feel relieved or anything. I still felt it in the back of my head but it was just more apparent. I am terrified about how I am right now. It affects me to the point that I legitimately can’t be genuinely happy. I’m just a blank person walking putting a face on in order to make sure that my friends don’t worry about me.
I had to get that off my chest. It doesn’t make sense but I just typed how I was feeling.
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self.depression
|
I can't deal with any of it anymore. Every day follows the same routine and I can't deal with it anymore, even though I know nothing will change.
I continue to poorly in school because I'm never capable of comprehending anything people attempt to teach me. It can be one of the most basic tasks humanly possible and yet I'll still probably manage to struggle with it. Every time I try and educate myself on various subjects I end up panicking because I never understand what I'm reading/hearing. This is the exact reason why I don't have any hobbies.
I so desperately want to know how to "fit in" with people and learn to socialize, but I know that both of these goals are unrealistic. Talking to people is a foreign concept to me and one that I've decided I will never grasp. Perhaps some of us are bound to loneliness, if only due to our own ineptitude.
The house is always a filthy mess and having to live in that kind of environment causes me stress, but nothing is ever done to fix it. I live with my family and every time I put the effort into cleaning the house I do it knowing it will be a mess again within the next 12 hours. The place is unsightly to the point where I'm unable to have my friend over, which is embarrassing, but that's how it's been for as long as I've been alive.
I have a younger brother who never stops yelling and is rarely scolded for it because my parents don't want to have to deal with it. Him having discovered the iPad is something I wish had never happened because he acts like such a brat about it constantly. It is typical he doesn't receive enough sleep because he'll be on it all night, causing him to behave terribly the next morning. He screams and cries when he's told to do anything and I have hear it every day.
I'm going to be part of an employment program soon which is already something I'm stressed out about. By the end of the program (which is a month long) you are expected to have a job, which is something I doubt I'll be able to manage. The most anxiety inducing part is knowing we'll have to do mock up interviews to eventually prepare us for a *real* interview, which I can only picture going horribly. The fact that we'll have to list our "positive traits" off to people also sounds dreadful because I know I don't have any, and I'm not exactly a good liar.
I'm sick of my life being the same endless pattern full of nothing but anxiety and self-hateed. God knows for how much longer I'll have to continue living in this house and how pathetic of a future I'm sure to lead. Therapy gives me nothing more than someone to talk to on occasion, which can help with the loneliness, but nothing else. This state of mind is actually an improvement from when I hadn't been taking medication, however, as was probably made obvious from my post, I'm still not happy.
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self.Anxiety
|
Fuck Microsoft I just spent the last week trying to recover my decade old Xbox live account just to be denied because I can't give them the console ID and IP address of a 360 I haven't owned in 2 years. The account is in my name and my identity hasn't changed so how have I spent the last week trying to recover only to be told nothing can be done. I've spent hundreds of dollars on that account and apparently I'll never be able to access it again. Seriously Fuck Microsoft. They said I can't even go to a store in person to verify my identity because they have nothing to do with the recovery team. What kind of dumb shit is that. Anyway sorry for the rant. Just bothered that my account is gone for good
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self.offmychest
|
Just need someone to talk to.. Don’t care who you are, I have had arguably one of the worst week of my life and I don’t have anyone to turn to.
|
self.depression
|
To whom it may concern I've always thought about having the perfect suicide letter set aside for people to find, just in case.
Yet, I've never really planned out nor thought I would even if I did. I never contemplated it but I'd embrace death if it was to come right at this moment. Until I started entertaining the thought for some reason.
From little passing thoughts to full epiphanies — I smile at the idea. When I'm alone for the day (like right now) I just think: if I went ahead with it, what will happen next?
Isn't it weird? The most basic human instinct is self perseverance, yet here I am, toying with the idea that goes straight against this.
My mother has told me before about something else: "your demons are strong". I think this might be very true about other parts as well.
This year I talked someone out of killing themselves and another into seeing a therapist. But the truth is I don't think I can save myself. It seems like the simple act of passing the day is a battle against my mind.
Do my friends know I've missed 90% of the semester because I'm too tired an worn out mentally and physically and not just being lazy? Do they catch the seriousness in the jokes I make about being depresses and offing myself? Does it matter or is it all for naught? And for how long does this last?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
skipping school. skipping school because I just dont feel like going anywhere. I drink jagermeister and feel numb. yesterday I couldn't do anything so i went to my bed early. I've been feeling this numbness for a year and a few months. Only psychedelics and my dog keep me going.
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self.depression
|
The most annoying part of my depression The whole hating life part of depression is really shitty but the inability to remember simple things or everyday tasks is the most annoying part of depression for me.
I have to make lists for myself to remember stuff and then ironically within a few minutes I'll just end up forgetting about these lists. This cycle just repeats and repeats and it's so damn frustrating!
Anyone else like this?
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self.depression
|
Apple cider vinegar? Anyone have any luck with using apple cider vinegar to help anxiety? I notice I'm a bit less manic when I take it. But I just started so I guess it could be placebo but idk , we'll see. Have you ever tried it?
|
self.Anxiety
|
You It's been 3 years since we've talked in person. You were all I had, I wanted to grow old with you. Ending it was the biggest mistake of my life. You'll never know I ended it to try to protect you. Now you've been with this guy for 2 years I guess, and I had my share of relationships with girls I couldn't care less about, all the while still loving you. It's not like we'll ever get together again or anything, and that's alright. You're happy and I knew I loved you the moment I put your happiness above all else, all those years ago.
Back home we lived 5 minutes from each other and now in this country we're still just an hour away. I know we won't be meeting though, because I'm an old friend you can do without.
When I came to your city, I sat at the bus stop for 2 hours before I had to leave, waiting for your reply since we were supposed to meet. Earlier that day I walked around your campus for an hour, waiting. You didn't cancel, you were just doing your lab reports.
Everyday I wish I don't wake up the next day.
Everyday I wish we could get coffee and sit down and talk for a while. I would trade my life for that coffee.
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self.offmychest
|
To the only people that understand this gut-wrenching emptiness It's my birthday, today.
I never thought I'd be making a post on here. But no one gets it, and no one should. As much as my depression is not a secret, it has taken a dark turn, for the last time.
It's been years now but lately I've been suffocating more than I have been able to breathe. There is no oxygen in the air around me. I can't feel this way anymore. There is so much guilt, and shame, and there is no plausible reason for me to keep going. I'm so sorry mom and dad. I'm so sorry to everyone I know and love, and those who know and love me. You may love me, but you can't save me from myself. I can't go through this much longer. I have tried, but there is no way to turn it off. There are no reasons, there is only suffering. When I go, please remember me for the good, and not for the demons that tightened their grip on my soul.
Please, God, have mercy on me when I make it up there. It was not an easy decision to make.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It comes and goes I'm fine for a month or two, and then something very minor happens and it all suddenly comes back, hitting me like a tsunami, and I start drowning again. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can put my life on hold while I get my shit together. I just have to keep going and hope that it eventually goes away again, albeit never permanently. People say depression is like a broken leg, but I strongly disagree. At least for me, it's not something you ever fully heal from. It's always in the back of my mind, waiting to spring out unexpectedly and get me feeling like I don't deserve to live just because I messed up on a cookie recipe or some stupidly minor shit. How do I break this cycle? I've taken meds, and the amount of time in between my depressed bouts seems to be longer, but when they come, they feel like hell.
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self.depression
|
Looking for people who have undergone ECT Long story short, I'm looking at getting ECT over the summer. Yes, I've tried everything else already for the past 9 years.
Please do not try to scare me away from doing this. It's my only hope.
I want to know if ECT helped your depression. That's my main concern. If you answer that, then please tell me how you coped with the side effects, if you are still experiencing side effects today, and if it was worth it to you.
Please keep the fear-mongering comments to yourself. This is not the place for that. I'm at a place where I've run out of options, and it's either this, or I lose the battle with depression and kill myself once and for all. This last-resort treatment is my only HOPE. Please don't take that away from me by telling me a horror story of your uncle who got back from the war and had ECT and spent the rest of his life drooling with a numb gaze. I've heard those stories. I want to hear the positive.
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self.depression
|
Today I was very close to killing myself Ive been planning my death for a while. Ideally I would take Nembutal from someone who supposedly sells it from Mexico but I don't have the money to buy it right now. There is also a gun in my house and I've been plotting to use it when Im home alone. My father came home early today so I was unable to do it. It is terrifying to work up the nerve to do it. I kept on thinking about it and immediately I felt a physical resistance in my brain. I wish I would've taken control of my life in the past and had more faith.Now I'm so mentally ill and so lonely. I'm going to do it one of these days. Its just hard to work up the courage to do it. What do you guys suggest I do to get the courage to do it. Ive been trying meditation which really calms me down. So maybe I get the gun lay down meditate and shoot myself with it...?? Does that sound like a good idea... I feel like I would be less fearful if I were laying down.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Sorry folks, we've got a troll: Please message the moderators if you get harassed via PM after posting here. We are **so** sorry that this is necessary.
In recent days we've been targeted by a PM troll who's been sending pro-suicide messages to people after they post here. The admins have suspended the main account this person was using, and they're looking out for alts, but if these types of individuals sometimes try to get around their site-wide bans. We feel it's better to let you know this might happen again so that you can be forewarned, and also so that if it does happen, we and the reddit community team will be alerted as soon as possible.
If you get a hateful, pro-suicide PM, please be aware that this person is doing this indiscriminately, and they probably haven't even read what you posted, so it's *not about you*.
If you don't think you could handle receiving something like that, we completely understand. In that case, your best protection is to set your messaging preference so that you can receive PMs from trusted users only before you post (anywhere, not just here) about your struggles.
On desktop you can do that here:
https://www.reddit.com/prefs/blocked
(On mobile, it depends which app or browser you're using.)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Breaking up while in mania I knew as I was dating my boyfriend that he had a bipolar diagnosis in his teens. I was in love with him by then and chose to overlook it; I believed him when he said that he didn't have it. That was about it, however. I never imagined the nightmare I'd be entangled in when he went through a manic episode with me. First, it began as a persistent feeling of fear for my safety. He asked daily if I was okay and that he was worried despite the fact that I wasn't doing anything unusual or putting myself in harm's way. He rushed home from work once when I didn't answer a text (I was playing with our new pet and did not have my cell on or by me). About a week later, he developed severe stomach pain where doctors ran a battery of tests that were normal. Finally, he took an antianxiety when I realized he was not well at all in a different sense and started to cry in the ER, and he began to "feel better." I had no idea what was happening, but prior the ER event, I recall finding him pacing in darkness one night. The next day, he proposed. I had said yes, and in the hotel we stayed at, he thought he saw someone peeking through the curtains of a 19th story window. During and after the ER, he began to exhibit increased paranoia and delusion, believing people were after him or trying to kill him. He turned off the router. He took apart his cell phone. He tried to get me to perform surgery on him. He had moments of deep weeping and depressing nostalgia. He almost left the house, in cold November, in his underwear because he "knew he wasn't safe" and "needed to run away" and then drove off to God knows where. He spent hundreds of our money. I tried my best to get him help, but with almost no knowledge of what was going on with him or the mental health system, and professionals we sought help with not recognizing that he wasn't himself, he steadily worsened within hours.
Ultimately, I called the police to get him shortly after he ran off. They found him almost incommunicable, curled up against pillows in fear at a hotel. He was hospitalized for a few days, and during that time, I broke up with him.
He was released. He entered himself into a better facility for hospitalization again, to get through this period. He is still not himself, and I am trying to make it clear to anyone involved that he no longer has me in his life, and I am not his guardian.
I worry about him, because he moved a far distance to be with me; in some way, I feel like I'm all he has. I want him to move back and be with a support network that is better than what I can provide, and I don't think I can handle this.
I suppose what I really want to know is if he truly loved me, or if he just loved himself. His mother revealed to me that he doesn't adhere to medication, so this "mild episode," as she put it, seemed to be a fairly regular occurrence. It happens once a year or every other year. The thing is, my ex-boyfriend/fiance never told me about that. He never prepared me for it despite moving in together. I met his family, and they didn't tell me a damn thing. It caught me entirely off guard, I felt sucker punched, and I'm still reeling from what happened-- The fear that he was not himself, anxiety over getting a steadily declining loved one help, sleepless nights from when he'd keep me up with his mania, and the hundreds of dollars he spent; I feel like I am in a nightmare that refuses to shake hold of me.
Did my ex-boyfriend really love me? Shouldn't he have known to tell me, to prepare me, for moments like this if he did?
When will he understand that he will never get me back?
Was I right to break up with him?
This is bipolar, right?
I feel heart broken. For the first time, I find myself wishing I could cure this.
|
self.bipolar
|
Feeling strange in my relationship I dunno what it is but as much as I love my boyfriend and enjoy the time I spend with him, lately I feel numb for lack of a better word. Like I don't feel anything unless something upsets me then it's anger and frustration.
It's been a rough few months with things at work causing me to make a contract decision in less than 24 hrs (not ideal) and still processing my best friend's death. I think I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed plus I normally struggle this time of year.
Does anyone else get like this and if so what do you do to cope? Currently in psychotherapy which helps but it's hard to take their advice to be kind to myself when I feel like this...
|
self.depression
|
Anti-Miracle (noun):1) a horrible event so impossibly improbable it defies belief, 2) a message from God that He hates you and you don't belong here Throughout my life I've had these messages sent to me constantly. Such unbelievable bad luck -- literally beyond what all reason and probability we've been taught as "real"...
And last's night's little Hate Note from God wouldn't be a huge deal to anyone else. A medium sized dog [who I love(d?)], destroyed a seemingly indestructible table that I also loved -- the physics of which literally make ZERO sense. The point is: furniture and space. I have no HOME because my possessions are not safe because *her* possessions are building up and burying them all and pushing even the dog into tighter and tighter spaces until she innocently destroys something I love... It makes no sense to you, but it's a fucking symbol of how irrelevant I, my things and my feelings have become in my own home.
Nothing will ever get any better. Everything always gets worse. I'm too old to have children now, so there's really no point in finishing out the next ~30 years.
My job is shit. My friends have real lives of their own. My body is falling apart. My mind has long since been ruined. I'm constantly broke. I'll never even be able to afford my own house (anywhere near a place where I could find work anyway).
And my relationship is an unfathomable tangle of bullshit and inexplicable guilt trips.... it's ending, and I can't bear to admit that because I'm too old, fat and ugly now to ever be accepted by anyone else ever again. I AM **SO** FUCKING ANGRY AND RESENTFUL OF ALL THE BULLSHIT WE'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH SINCE HER GRANDMOTHER DIED AND SHE WENT OFF ON THIS NEW CRUSADE.....
Before that there was a PLAN that was feasible. Now she wants to be a nurse and go to nursing school and FINANCIALLY RUIN US BOTH WHILE **ALSO** RUINING THE HOUSE IN WHICH WE LIVE BY BUYING MORE AND MORE FURNITURE WHEN THERE'S NO FUCKING ROOM FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the relationship has to end. Which means I have to end. Because I can't survive "dating" again -- anyone, for any reason. (Besides, I snore and that makes me an unlovable monster apparently -- and the goddamn incompetent CPAP tech refuses to let me try the full-face mask... it doesn't matter) Fuck that shit. I'd rather die.
And I know the spot. There's a road across the way from our house and down at the far end there's an empty lot with lots of trees and a pretty stream. Let the city clean up the mess.
And let her live as long as she can, happily in her piles upon piles of furniture and horseshit that are suffocating me and turning our house into a goddamn garbage dump. (Which will be less than 1 month because I pay for literally everything -- but am not allowed to sleep in my own bed or even own a table without it being destroyed)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Should I never date again? Is it too much for me to handle? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Afraid of not having anxiety? Have you ever experienced anxiety so much that you feel strange when you don’t have anxiety on some days? Example a week ago you had episodes of panic attack and anxiety attack but when you don’t feel them at all, you are anxious about not having them? Do you feel strange when you don’t feel strange/odd/scared/etc... throughout the day/week?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think I’m lost. I’m out of breath and empty. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I don't want to kill myself but I completely understand those that want to The day in and day out depression, lack of enjoyment in anything you used to be passionate about, constant exhaustion. Only for your symptoms to subside for a few weeks and then come back worse than ever. Yay
|
self.depression
|
Depression and willingness (tw) I have been in a straight depression and in bed for a week now. I know I have the ability to keep pushing myself forward, to get up in the morning, to get at least some things done, to utilize coping behaviors. Yet I feel so hopeless about my situation and the future I just don't feel like it's worth even trying. I'm not completely depressed to the point where I can't function, it just feels like I'm making the choice not to fight. Sometimes I wish I were dead. I don't feel as awful as I can be, it's not like I want to sleep to escape pain, I just don't want to keep summoning the energy to do things. I'd rather lie in bed and rest, even if it's uncomfortable and painful to my body. I am daydreaming a lot to escape though because there is nothing here for me except just grinding through yet another day.
I can't even buy myself groceries, I just don't care about food, even though I'm hungry. I have a pdoc appt tthis week that will force me out of the house but I'm not sure that I will be able to do anything else. I'm sure I'll seem fine when I'm there and they won't believe I'm depressed and it will be another discussion of proper sleep hygiene so I feel better. Fuck sleep hygiene. I give zero fucks.. I can't even bring myself to go down the street to buy non dairy milk to mix the protein powder I have for breakfast. That used to help get me going in the morning. Instead I'm lying in bed hungry and weak all day trying to find a reason to get up.
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know what to do. I just feel so overwhelmed at the moment. There's like a billion and one thoughts going through my head. It just feels ironic cause what I do for a living involves helping others in their worst medical times.
Truth is, I cut my arm up again the other day. I'm forcing myself to throw up whatever little food I have inside of me.
This may seem silly but it's all because of a boy, a boy who I love sincerely but very well end everything with me soon.
I feel numb and empty. I need help but I can't seem to function.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Today, I felt overly sentimental when I was people-watching at my local DMV. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
The worst part about suicidal ideations is going to bed because you don't want to wake up tmrw.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Psychologist Woodlands area Can someone recommend a good psychologist in the Woodlands, Tx area? Or how to go about finding a good one? Funds are low so I feel like multiple appts with diff docs is a huge obstacle. TIA
|
self.bipolar
|
Grieving Spouse Suicide As the surviving spouse of a successful recent suicide, I am having some difficulty reconciling my emotions with returning to daily life.
I took two weeks off of work, but have gone back. Some days are better than others, some days are unbearable. Today, I opted to stay home without pay after multiple bouts of tears last night and this morning. I've mostly been able to keep the tears under control at work, but my anxiety is sky high at times while my desire to actually be at work is at rock bottom.
The tears will likely take care of themselves with time, but lately I am having a really difficult time with tolerating work due to the anxiety. It doesn't help that the nature of my work is often dynamic and can result in me being forced to work extra hours I really don't want at this time, facing customers who may be grumpy themselves if not totally irate.
So I guess what I am looking for is some tips to help deal with the anxiety. It just feels like a struggle to be there, and like I am at risk of losing my job if that anxiety bubbles up into a negative interaction with a customer.
I can take additional time off from work, but only under unpaid FMLA if I am treating for depression, which I am not. For stigmatic reasons, I'd rather not go that route.
I am not suicidal or even unable to function in ways outside of my work issues, though the anxiety is always present if significantly reduced.
Any advice?
|
self.depression
|
I’ve made up my mind. It’s happening I’ve always had a firm anti suicide stance. I personally think it’s a selfish thing to do but over the years my stance has faded. About a week ago I made up my mind that I’m going to kill myself. Not tonight, definitely not tomorrow but with in the next couple of months. I just have a few more things to tie up before I go, like paying off my last credit card and purchasing one of those urns that grows into a tree. If I don’t have any debt, have the urn, and funeral all paid for it’ll make it easier for my sisters. They’ll understand my decision in deciding to kill myself.
This past week has been a weird one knowing that I’m not going to be around much longer. Knowing that I finally won’t wake up. It’s oddly relaxing. 😌
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self.depression
|
What do you do when the bad thoughts start creeping in? I was pretty stable but now hopelessness and why keep going when it's never going to go away type thoughts are peeping in. I don't know how bad the thoughts could get. I almost hospitalized myself on two different occasions last year for wanting to go through with it.
I've talked a lot on here about how awful my pdoc was and I found a new one. She's much better. Prescribed latuda but the pharmacy is still trying to get with aetna to get it covered. She won't label my rescue kitty as an ESA even though she does help me SO MUCH. Pdoc doesn't believe in emotional support animals. $300 pet deposit and $20 a month on top of latuda costs is going to suck. And I have to get my sweet kitty her shots and get her fixed even though I'm the 3rd one to have her. I'm her forever home. I really want her labeled as an ESA but nobody will do it. Old pdoc said no well before this cat was in the picture and again after I got her. She cuddles, she's quiet, she doesn't scratch or bite, she's perfect. Calm, will let me pet her as long as I like. And I'm good so far at making sure she has lots of food and her litter box is cleaned twice a day. It makes me shower and eat. If she's doing it then I should too. That could be contributing to the stress, and it being the start of the school year. Going into my second year of teaching. Kids come back next week. I'm going to be a hot mess when the kids get here and suicidal thoughts ain't fun for nobody.
|
self.bipolar
|
Feeling Alone Forever It's new years but that hasn't sparked this post. This post was created out of loneliness. I always find myself feeling so stupid, but I am just not satisfied and if i'm stupid so be it. I thought getting financial freedom would bring me happiness, and it hasn't. I'm even more sad now that I have no obligations. I just keep thinking about the point to anything, and I can never find it. The only thing that keeps me happy is listening to very old vocaloid songs, but no one ever wants to listen to vocaloid with me. It makes sense though, i'm a 21 year old man now and it doesn't make sense for me to enjoy such a dumb and girly and cringy type of music, I get it. I just sit around these days listening to vocaloid or electronic music longing for the days back in middle school and highschool when I wasn't aware of how irrelevent these types of music were around me. When I got lost in these worlds and had no cares in the world. I don't like most people. I don't know what to do now. Years of isolation to become financially free and no happiness to gain from it.
|
self.depression
|
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