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Sleep patterns during mixed episodes Just wondering, what are your guy's sleep schedules when you're having a mixed episode? Normal? No sleep? Too much sleep? Etc?
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self.bipolar
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Do you guys see your depression as an illness or as part of you? I have always felt like it is just a part of my personality. Mainly because I don't see myself ever truly overcoming it.
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self.depression
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Norovirus and taking medication Hey everyone. So sadly I’ve come down with a nasty bout of Norovirus and I’m being sick after pretty much every meal I have- I can’t keep anything down at the moment. I can’t seem to find any information online about this- how do you manage taking medication when this happens? I take Latuda, which needs to be taken with food, along with lithium and seroquel. I’m really worried about not taking my meds as I rely on them to keep me well, particularly the Latuda and seroquel in the short term but also the lithium as well. Thanks a lot!
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self.bipolar
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How do you tell the difference between your personality and bipolar? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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The Guilt after an Attempt is worse than actually dying I’ve attempted suicide today. I’ve told my SO about it and she’s been worried. The guilt is killing me because I don’t feel safe anymore, not even with my SO.
What can I do to battle this?
I want to live but a part of me wants to rewind time and make sure that I actually die because of the guilt and this very unsettling feeling.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm a coward. I wish I had the courage to just go ahead and fucking die, but I'm a pussy. Played, DDLC, seeing Sayori hanging like that scared the shit out of me for days. thinking about the pain of death makes me averse to actually trying to harm myself, so what then? I'm pretty sure I'm getting put out of my rented room any day now. No money to pay it, parents are estranged, and nobody is around that can fucking help. Pretty sure I'm NOT going to get back into the military, phone is fucked, and I can't bring myself to keep walking back and forth to check on jobs. Call it self pity, I don't care, fuck you. I just want to leave. If not on my own, then with someone's help. All these goddamned murders, and I can't find a way to die? Is this a fucking joke? It has to be, it has to be, it has to be, it has to be, it has to be, it has to be , it has to be. 22, soon to be 23, and I have nothing to show for it. Fuck this.
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self.depression
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It's been a year It has been over a year since I have stopped taking medications after finally getting approved by a doctor. I am 19 and struggled with being bipolar through most of my teen life, but I want to say to all you others who struggle with it, that it will get better but it takes time and patience. I was at a point where I felt hopeless and that I was truly being driven into madness. While I do still have my ups and downs, it doesn't hinder my day to day life as it used to. Always remember you aren't alone everybody, and if I can do it, so can you!
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self.bipolar
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My depression has affected not only me, but the ones that I have loved the most. The best thing that has ever happened to my life was my then girlfriend, now ex. We met in a crappy little community college 2 years ago and we were both in the same exact life situation. Almost down to a T. It was as if we were destined to meet, like something out of a cheesy romantic comedy. Looking back on it, I am unlikely to ever meet someone like her again.
We were doing great but my depression came back slowly after I was doing good for about a year. It came back very subtly, so much so that I didn't even realize it or want to accept it. I shut everyone off and isolated my self. I didn't want to/couldn't will my self to get help. I realized how I was getting but still didn't seek out professional help. For the last year of our relationship I basically ignored her and treated her terribly. When she dumped me I didn't even care. I just kept playing video games and watching netflix, I refused to deal with my issues. When I finally had a mental breakdown I thought about all the shit I did and how bad I had gotten. I read back all the loving cards she wrote me and I couldn't stop crying. She said she never wanted to get back to me. I poured my heart out to her and apologized for everything. I admitted all the harm I had caused her but it was too late. It was over.
Depression has made me quit school, given me social anxiety, made me very shy and afraid to get out my comfort zone. It has held me back from a lot of things. But of all the things that I regret and hate my self for, is is that I let depression ruin my relationship with her. And it's my fault for not confronting it. I think about her everyday and I want to cry, but my pain isn't anything compared to how much I hurt her.
It has made me realize that I never want to ignore my problems again. I am and will continue to suffer with it but from this year on, I will try to be a better human. Depression can't be an excuse for my behavior. I will forever be cognizant how my actions, or inaction can hurt those around me, who don't deserve any of it. This is my New Years resolution.
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self.depression
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A toast to all of us that haven’t been able to get out of bed until noon this week! May this turn around quickly!
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self.bipolar
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I'm so unhappy I hate myself so fucking much. I'm slowly ruining my own life and it's 1pm and I've skipped all my lectures and I've done fuck all since the moment I got up. I don't understand why I have to be such a fucking loser. It's pathetic.
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self.offmychest
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I haven't been attracted to another woman since my ex-girlfriend broke up with me 3 years ago and I don't really have any hope that I'll ever be attracted to someone ever again. Something is just broken about me and I don't think there's anything I can do to fix it. I don't even really look at women and even think "oh she looks pretty" or anything even really as simple as that. I don't really feel like a functioning human being anymore.
My ex girlfriend was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life, and in terms of personality and what she was like, she was basically perfect in that she was everything I want in a person. I don't feel like anyone can ever live up to what she was to me now.
I miss sex, I miss feeling having a partner and somebody to be around. I am so lonely that it gets me so depressed I can barely function everyday. And I don't really know how it could change when I can't even find another person attractive at the most basic level. It doesn't take a real emotional connection to think someone is hot, so I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
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self.offmychest
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Help! Been getting out of breath and racing heart for 3 days now everyone says it anxiety as I've had tests at hospital previously and all the doctors can say is anxiety I'm so scared can someone help
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self.Anxiety
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10 mg of Ambien + 50 mg of Seroquel = drunk I saw my psychiatrist the other day. I reiterated that I don't sleep and he finally agreed to do something about it. So he put me on 10 mg of Ambien (which I've taken before and would only help with falling asleep) and 100 mg of Seroquel (he told me to take 50 mg for the first week).
Well I took it and about 45 minutes later I felt like I was drunk. I couldn't keep my eyes open and I was stumbling around and knocking into things. I apparently decided I needed crackers to help with the feeling but was so uncoordinated that I dumped the entire box on the ground in the kitchen. I guess "drunk" me couldn't pick them up at the time because when I woke up there were crackers everywhere.
When I realized I needed to get to bed ASAP, I laid there and just had the strongest urge to move. It felt like my skin was crawling. But I couldn't get up because my eyes refused to open.
Finally I fell asleep, I still woke up at least 3 times and drunkenly stumbled around to get water and go to the bathroom. When it was time to get up for work, I was still "drunk" and felt it would have been unsafe to drive, so I never went in. I didn't get out of bed until 4 pm.
I'm really hoping it was only that strong because it was my first time taking both together. I really need to be able to get up in the morning and go to work.
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self.bipolar
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How do you manage your general anxiety? My anxiety has been so awful lately that I have been taking lorazepam again, and quite truthfully I absolutely hate the way it makes me feel. I have tried other medications but I always have the worst side effects from them. Any tips or ideas are welcomed.
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self.Anxiety
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I can't help but feel pathetic for coming here... [deleted]
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self.depression
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I've Set the Date If my life hasn't improved drastically by January 1, 2019, I'm going to kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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If you feel like shit all the time do something about it instead of complaining and making our relationship worse! [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I'm picturing what happens after my suicide I've struggeled this whole past year to keep breathing and getting trough the semester but my teacher just emailed me saying I'm flunking her class. I'm freaking out. I get one last chance to pass next week but I don't think I can do it and I'm freaking out.
This is the first year I've actually thought about killing myself, in a literal sense, not just in a jokingly distancing kind of way. Every second I spend thinking about it I know I normalize it more and more and I come one step closer to actually doing it. I'm going over all the things I would have to do beforehand. Write my family notes, plan my funeral, clean up my room, quit my job, notify my school. I'm going over the scenarios in my head. My parents finding me. My funeral. My friends reading their notes. My sister finding out. My teacher telling the class.
It just hurts so much. Maybe flunking seems like a trivial things but its the grand whole of it, you know. And it wont stop hurting. If this is the life I'm given I don't want it and I know that makes me an ungrateful piece of shit but it hurts so much.
I just needed to vent. I just need someone to hear me. You dont have to help or anything. Just read and reply something, anything. I'm sorry if this triggers you or makes you feel bad.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How would you define depression to someone who has never experienced it? I was asked today what it was like to be depressed (by a close friend), and the only answer I could muster was "I don't know how to describe it" to which he answered, "that's fine". How do you describe it with words?
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self.depression
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What's the point? I'm done guys...ran out of steam a long time ago but today I realize how worthless my existence is. What is the point of living if every moment is agonizing, nothing is pleasurable and every memory I have of myself I'm either cringing to death or drowning in nostalgia? I'm 27 now and I have fuck all to show for it. While everyone around me is succeeding the thought of doing good for myself makes me want to puke. I hate it. I hate myself. Everyone in this world is so full of shit that I can't stand going outside and seeing all the smiling faces. All those foolish people stuck up their own ass. It sounds neckbeardy but it pisses me off so much when people make stupid jokes trying to make each other laugh and laugh themselves; it makes me mad bc laughing is just like this drug and we are all animals just trying to get off somehow. I hate seeing people express themselves now...it's all just so transparent. I hate people because I hate myself. I can never again conduct myself the way others too: carefree and "showing the world who they are" no one fucking cares.
I'm so stupid. I'm bipolar and I can't feel anything anymore. I've been numb for so long it's ridiculous. I developed a way to deal with my bipolar shit that when an unreasonable emotion came flying out of nowhere I learned to quell it almost instantly by taking a breath and thinking critically about what happened. Now? I can't feel anything without being "over it" in about 1 second. I'll feel like crying then over it. Feel happy? Over it. It's like as soon as I start thinking about the thing that made me feel something it becomes stupid and redundant-the way I see everyone and everything now.
I just want to go. I want to leave everyone behind. Nobody gives a flying shit that you're depressed but will flock to your funeral and facebook page to give their condolences and talk about how much of an amazing person you were and god what a shame this all is. Seen it way too many times. We're just monkeys on a rock hurling through space, fucking each other over to make a dollar. I know when realizing this you're supposed to go, "I realize this but I'm going just have a good time, live in the moment and find my OWN meaning blah blah blah." I just can't. Consciousness is literally pain and I'm beating my head against the wall because I feel trapped inside my brain. I can't feel good. I can't garner any satisfaction out of anything. I just want to be done.
If you read all that...I'm sorry. I might hang around for another day or two but it's time I moved on. Take it easy y'all.
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self.SuicideWatch
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weird question but does anybody notice they get really tactile seeking while depressed? The more I thought about previous episodes the more I realized how much I do it. Is it just me? anybody have a weirdly soothing texture they seek out
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self.depression
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I spend every day waiting for something that isn't going to happen. There's no point. Hey there. So it's 6am and I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, perhaps just to compose my thoughts, perhaps I'm hoping for some insight that'll make me feel better (I doubt it, but I'm sure I'll at least find it interesting).
I've suffered with on and off depression since my early teenage years, I'm now 22. I have never been officially diagnosed, I don't like the idea of medication (though appreciate why that may seem ridiculous) or predictable cicular conversations that ultimately don't actually help.
I used to have ideas and goals, but no longer. I dropped out of university at the age of 19 and since have had no aspiration. No desire to get better, no hopes or dreams. There's no point in trying, the end result is always the same. I can work towards something with all the best intentions in the world, but I always get dragged back to this place.
The thing is, it doesn't feel like excess negativity, it just feels like I see things how they are and all the magic and wonder I used to find in the world just dissapates. I loved that blissful ignorance, I crave it again; but it just won't come back, and when it does it's all too fleeting.
It feels like this can't be all there is to life, that something amazing has to happen; but I know that it's never going to.
I have my ups and downs, on my ups I can suspend that realistic view enough to enjoy pointless things and socialise. But my downs just keep coming more often and coming harder. I don't know what to do any more, I'm so tired of everything. I spend my day sleeping for as long as my body will let me, and in my waking hours I just look forward to when I'm tired enough to sleep again. I find no joy in anything I used to and constantly listen to music just to stop myself from thinking.
The small light I've had in my life recently has been a girl I met on the internet. She's in a relationship, so not in that regard; but she's been suffering from, I guess, some kind of depression due to difficulties in her relationship. I've talked to her every step of the way, and seeing my support give someone that happiness I can't find any more at least gives me some semblance of purpose. I know we'll never be anything, she's madly in love with her current boyfriend; I won't lie and say that I'm not upset by that but seeing how happy he makes her still gives me some amount of vicarious joy.
Though I'll know there'll come a point when I'm not needed and she'll move on. That's fine, but I'm just frantically searching for anything that'll keep giving my continued existence some modicum of purpose. The longer I keep going the less clear that seems to be.
I have regular suicidal thoughts, though I'd say it's all more hypothetical than something I'd ever go through with. I know it's not like I'd be around to deal with the fallout, but I don't think I could do that to the people close to me.
To be honest, I don't even think I want to die, I just don't see the point to living.
I don't know why I've written this. There's no rhyme or reason to it, there's nothing insightful or intelligent or any questions I'm asking. Though composing my thoughts has at least been a calming exercise.
I apologise if anything written here is in some kind of breach of the forum guidelines, though I don't believe so.
If you feel similarly or have any comments then please, do share them. If nothing else I'm sure it'll be interesting to see some other people's points of view.
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self.depression
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Sick Coworker I walked into the break room. My coworker was watching porn on his smartphone. I pretended to be looking for someone who wasn't there and left. I feel bad that I did not report my coworker to our boss. This is so disgusting. If you have to do that sort of thing, can't you do it in the privacy of your own home? Why do you have to bring into the workplace? Next time I see porn in the break room I will report it. And your butt will be crying for a new job. I am so disgusted.
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self.offmychest
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I am trans. There's no point in transitioning because I will always be wrong. I'm so tired. I don't really know what else to say. I currently live as and present as a woman. If I were to ever transition, I would still present femininely. But it doesn't matter, because I will never transition. I would divide my family. I would make what few friends I have uncomfortable. No one would ever seriously accept me as a man. No matter what, I will not *be a man*. I will never have the right body, no matter what kind of surgery I put my body through. And I am 26. I'm too old anyway.
It just hurts. I try not to think about it but sometimes, more often lately, it is impossible to ignore. I have spaces online, and friends online, that accept me as a man, which provides small relief, but it's small and, in the grand scheme of things, irrelevant. I hate my wardrobe and I hate shopping for new clothes because my body is wrong. Sometimes I can't stand even merely existing in my own skin.
At 26 I'm still a virgin, too. I've had a few relationships but they've never gone anywhere. And I think I am doomed to forever remain a virgin because I cannot imagine ever having sex in this body of my mine, and I will never have *the right body*. I crave intimacy, I want a partner so badly, everyone around me is getting married and it hurts me so much to watch them. I am happy for them, so happy, but I am so sad inside, so lonely. But I will never find someone who will accept me for who I am. I will never find someone who will understand the issues I have with my body and be willing and able to accomodate me.
I've made a lot of progress in these past few years in improving my mental health. All in all, I am happy. But there is this one thing that will always weigh me down, that will never go away. And it hurts. It hurts so much.
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self.offmychest
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Anxious about going to the psychiatrist for the first time. What's it like? Hi,
I'm a 23 year old guy and I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for about two years now. It got even worse late 2016 after a particularly upsetting event and I never really got better.
It's affecting my university grades, my work, and my few remaining relationships, and I'm ready to get professional help, but I'm anxious about going to a psychiatrist.
I've never been and I don't know what it's like. What kind of questions can I expect and how do I prepare for them? Is it like a regular doctor's office, but with less stethoscopes? Is there something I need to know or consider before going? If I can't find right words to say, will the doctor think I'm just faking to get a drug prescription? Am I likely to need medication, and if so, what is it like?
Please share your experiences with getting professional psychiatric help for the first time so I'm better prepared to face this.
Thanks!
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self.depression
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My gf sexual abuse as a child, and our feelings toward it, are worrying me. My gf was repeatedly sexually abused/molested by her uncle by marriage when she was a child. It was her much older sisters husband. It happened when she was around 9-11 years old and happened quite a few times. She's not really sure. We've been dating a little over 2 years, but she told me this a year ago. I'm the only person she has ever told. When I heard it I nearly had a panic attack. Anyway, the fact that this is a secret and that everyone in her life has no idea but talks positively about this guy and love this guy torments me. It's her parents and sisters and everyone. He has divorced her sister since a while, they have a few kids, and he has another child from another woman. It has bugged me for a year, I've already gone to a therapist but I'm still very emotional and pensive about this. When my gf told me this happened to her, she told me that at the time it happened, she liked it. Like literally when she was young and he did that to her, that she liked it. But she meant because she has always felt unattractive (she's a bit overweight). This detail screwed with my mind. I mean, what child could like that? She shouldn't have even felt attractive/unattractive at that age. She said she doesn't mean that she liked it, but that at the time she felt like she did. It was the attention she never got. Now as an adult she says she feels ashamed that it ever happened. We've gotten into arguments about it before and she refuses to tell her parents or a therapist or anyone else about it. She just wants to forget about it and move on. There are a few times when her parents and rest of the family start talking about him and I just get up and leave. She always says sorry but that's it. I tell her that she should tell someone, even if it's not family. A therapist could help her out but she says she doesn't need one. She acts and seems totally fine all the time, even when I get upset about it when her family talks about him. I'm worried because of the fact that she said she liked it, and has never really seemed bothered by the fact that it happened. She even had him as a friend on Facebook for years. That bugged me so much. She says she doesn't need therapy and doesn't feel the need to tell anyone else about it, even though her abuser has young daughters. It bugs me and makes me feel like she doesn't regret it happened, which would be a horrifying thought to deal with. Whenever we have talked about it she cries and feels ashamed and is scared to tell her family because of judgement, but she still remains solid on not ever disclosing it to anyone else. I'm worried because I don't understand. Most similar stories I've seen on Reddit and have heard seem to show that people are deeply bothered by their abuse even so many years later, but for my gf it doesn't seem that way. Whenever people talk about him around her she seems so perfectly normal and unbothered. And to me she says she never had any intentions on airing this out and that she just wants to move past it. Did she really like it? Shouldn't she seem bothered? She doesn't even want therapy. This is really screwing with me. Reflectively, I know I'm not being the best partner, I know it seems that I'm pressuring her, but it just bothers me that she doesn't seemed so bothered considering what she said to me about liking it. I'm not able to shake the thoughts of her abuse lately and it's really messing with me. It messes with me especially when we are getting intimate. Why am I the only person she's ever told? Why do I have to sit there and stay quiet when her family is talking about him? I feel like her parents and sisters, especially the one who was married to him, should know the truth, but that's not my call to make. I really love her but this is messing me up. Damn.
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self.offmychest
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Not a single aspect of my life is positive. **Looks :** Average
**Personality :** Stone
**Health :** Have to calculate what I eat in order to not rip my asshole apart
**Studies :** Studying a long as fuck course with grueling hours. Regretting getting into it. But now no turning back. I'd enjoy it, or be less stressed about it if not for monstrous lecturers. Every morning I wake up thinking what will I get chewed out for today
**Future :** Bleak. Specially job-wise. Relationships also have been forced so far, in my sad attempts to be a normal person. Marriage and kids don't look like its happening. In my culture this is undesirable. I'm the weirdo
**Religion :** Have to fake it. There is no freedom of religion where I am from. Sometimes normal people things make me feel conflicted. In the west its OK for casual sex, drinks etc. Here people do it too, even if they believe in God. Funny thing is, I'm the one with faith issues and yet I'm the one feeling guilty even thinking about these things.
**Mentality :** I can't bring myself to compromise. I can't be happy if I can't make others happy or proud of me. But doing what makes me happy most likely would make people (family mostly) detest me.
**Age :** Not getting any younger. Wasting my youth in pursuit of a grueling career. Never had any fun. People think I'm weird.
I wish I were deleted.
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self.depression
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I wish I had cancer I wish I had cancer. I know it’s fucked yo. Something my family couldn’t afford to treat. I would die as some sort of hero. I would be dead and my family wouldn’t be ashamed of me. Instead I’m going to have to do the tide pod challenge. Or jump off my building that might not be tall enough.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Sitting here with bottles of pills in my hand [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m visiting friends at school and all I want to do is go home and sleep. Does anyone else feel this way? I’d rather rather be alone sometimes but I don’t want to lie to my friends so I usually end up making an excuse. Is this bad?
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self.depression
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I don't get it I don't understand why I never see the point in life. I havnt for years. I'm only 20, and decided years ago I would kill myself at 25. I'm in and out of depression. I fight it so hard but it always comes back. As I'm typing this I'm already trying to decide if I'll end it tonight just so I don't have to deal with this shit anymore. My bf tells me I'm just negative and it's all in my head. I'm sure that's common with people who don't understand it. Heck, sometimes even I don't understand it. He told me I can't cut, I can't smoke, and I can only drink on his terms. I have no way out, I'm stuck in my own head.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im hypomanic and i need to write a 10 page paper I cannot focus!! I'm listening to loud music, fidgeting with thinking putty, chewing gum, etc. And i cannot focus on this fucking paper. It doesnt help that i lost my keys and im super hungover :(
Update: its getting so much worse the more i try to focus the more i cant. My body is literally shaking. I took half a melatonin so hopefully that can calm me down but i really dont know how im going to write this paper, and my therapist already wants me to take this semester off but i cant, im just so frustrated
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self.bipolar
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Could my birth control be making my depression worse? Last month I started camrese lo because I have really unbearable cramps and so I just wanted to not deal with a period for a while.
Around the same time I started cymbalta on the starting dose of cymbalta a everything was fine then when I got switched to a higher dose it everything started getting bad I started losing focus in class, I stopped showing up to class, felt like I couldn’t breathe, fast heart rate, etc.
I stopped taking cymbalta, the fast heart rate and feeling like I can’t breathe stopped, but I still felt pretty shitty. I’ve never felt this depressed in my life before. I never felt this disinterested in things and just felt frustrated and annoyed. I know when you stop taking antidepressants, you get withdrawals and get to a slump (these are like my 6th anti depressants so I’m not new to the rodeo) but now I’m starting to think could my birth control be the reason why I was having severe reactions to cymbalta and why I feel so fucking depressed now to the point it’s messing up my school work and relationships?
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self.depression
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DAE avoid hanging out with friends because it makes you nervous? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I have anxiety because I have anxiety I think. Please help. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Questions about seeing a therapist I'm interested in seeing a therapist, and I had a few questions:
1) How do you guys fit in time to see one? If I have to go to a doctor, I just take off work for a day. But therapists are long term. How can I take off work once a week every week? Do most therapists operate at night?
2) Did it help?
3) Should I be concerned about therapist technique (e.g. behavioral, cognitive, humanist, psychiatry, etc)? Or has the subfields more-or-less converged by now?
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self.depression
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Not an emergency but... suicidal thoughts have come back [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Small Victory Saturday 9.16.17 What did you accomplish this week? Let's be proud of our achievements together =)
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self.bipolar
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I'm going to die Hi Reddit. I just needed somewhere to dump my emotional baggage for a while before I finally kill myself. I keep writing new versions of my "note" and there's no one in my life that can help me, so here I am. I just really wanted to tell someone before I go.
Thanks
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lexipro experiences I’ve tried a lot of different drugs for depression and anxiety, mostly SSRIs. My nephew on my sister’s side is on the asperger/autism scale and has been on a TON of differnt drugs. She said that his current cocktail includes Lexipro and has helped a lot. She has also been taking Lexipro and said it has helped. Since we have the same DNA, perhaps it might work for me. I’m just looking to find people who have tried other SSRIs but have settled down on Lexipro and see what their experience was.
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self.depression
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I had to completely surrounded by my family for the entire day. I don't like my family at all. They don't listen to me at all. The disregard any of my interests, they talk over me constantly. They treat me like a child. They make fun of me for the way I look, even my hair. Man I've had long hair for almost a decade. I get poking fun at it when I first started growing it out but get some new material if you're gonna try to be a fucking comedian.
Then they poke fun at me getting mad about having to take care of everything around the house. "You're living with mom rent free why are you mad about doing chores hahaha" Well actually I'm living with her because she's not physically able to live on her own and me living with her and taking care of her is wayyy cheaper than having to pay someone to help out around the house. But of course I can't bring it up because we don't have ANY uncomfortable conversations in this family. Nope, we don't talk about anything that doesn't make us feel good. We don't have deep or important conversations here, we don't apologize or be vulnerable with each other. Above all else we **don't rock the boat**. Fit in and act exactly like everyone else, don't be different in the slightest bit.
I'm the black sheep of the family. I wear lots of black and grey, I have long "rocker" hair, I have tattoos, I'm an addict (with 2 years sober but who cares they still lord it over me). Sure sometimes family members have different tastes than you but you still love and accept and respect them because they're you're family right? Guess they didn't get the message! Aaaaaand they're surprised when I'm not incredibly excited for the holidays or family gatherings! Hmm I wonder why that could be?
It's insidious. They all act polite enough on the surface but there's *extremely* deep dysfunctional behavior in this family. It really, REALLY hurts me to say this, but I'd be fine with never seeing any of my family again, maybe with the exception of my mom. But she even pokes and prods at me about everything in my life.
I really don't know what to do. I just want to leave them and never see them again. I know they are going to give me absolute HELL over it, but if push comes to shove, I'm gonna take leaving my family in the dust over wanting to kill myself every day. Fuck them. Fuck everything about them.
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self.depression
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The pit in my stomach makes me want to jump off a bridge. I've been suffering from really bad anxiety and depression, but I think I just had the worst anxiety attack.
I got an email from a commitment at my University asking about when we should hold our next meeting this upcoming quarter. I saw it and panicked.
I hate school. I don't want to go back. I want to stay at home. Thinking of school just made me super sick to my stomach.
After this, my mind went on an insane tangent.
I'm currently in the middle of losing my SO. I was told Im not capable of being in a relationship and meet someone else's emotional needs. It might be true, but I don't want it to be. I need someone to help me, but I hate that my SO is hurt in the process. I need her there, but knowing she gets hurt hurts me too.
So I started thinking about how much I hate school. Then I started thinking about going back to school without my SO there for me. Then I just went down this spiral where I couldn't breath and I was just panicking.
I hate this feeling. I don't want to live with these feelings anymore. I just want to sleep forever. I just want to feel normal again. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start getting better. I'm too overwhelmed with everything.
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self.offmychest
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Don't tell people to you care or love them when it's a lie The most important people in my life after hurting me try so hard to say "I care about you" or "I do love you". Even after back stabbing me. After I tell them that, after I beg them to realize how much they've hurt me, it's "oh but I care about you". If you fucking cared, you would've never done something like this. If you fucking loved me, you wouldn't never considered something like this.
Just because you say something doesn't mean you mean it. If you say something with the intention of meaning it, you have to SHOW it. If youve done something to emotionally abuse me to the point of where I nearly attempt suicide, and still want to say you care about me, you have to fucking PROVE it.
My ex? Fucks other guys, "oh but I still love you". Try calling, doesn't pick up. "I care about you." Bullshit. You wouldn't have put me through years of back and fourth drama and fuck boys just to tell me you still love me in-between each and every monthly fuck buddy. If you cared, you'd reach out to me. You'd talk to me. If you still love me, you wouldn't have lied to me in the first place and wouldn't have spent Christmas with one this year, funny how that works! You wouldn't have pushed me to suicide to begin with with all your rediculous lying, bullshit, and insults.
One of my best friends. Tells me how much I matter to them, "always". But immediately lies to me repeatedly. Then says "I care". If you cared, why the fuck would you lie to me? Nevermind that - worse - why can't I be angry about it? Why can't you talk to me about WHY you lied and deceived me? Why? If you cared, you would. So don't keep fucking saying you care. At this point, I may as well be dead, gone and forgotten because you won't bother to talk to me anyway. You say this shit, but do you actually mean any of it?
And they're not the first two people nor the last. I've had family do it too. I've had relatives and people I genuinely love and cared about do it.
Don't say shit you don't mean. If I don't mean anything to you, don't say you love me. If you don't care about my well being, don't say you care. Don't return my phone calls or messages? You don't care. If you insist on lying to me? You don't care. If you insist on fucking and dating with other people, and not talking to me, you don't love me. Stop telling people you love me. What the fucking hell is wrong with you?
I'm tired of these people doing this to me. I let them and I listen and I want to believe they care so fucking badly. Chance after chance I give them. I look away and past absurd shit no one else would tolerate. But I still get called a hurtful person. I still get lied to. I still get abused. I still get blamed. But, you care about me right? So that makes everything horrible you do to me OK! Why am I the one wondering everyday if you're ok, if there is something I can do for you, buy for you, make for you, say to you to make your day better? Why am I the one caring more about the person who says they care about me but clearly doesnt based on their actions? Why do I allow redemption but when I'm on the chopping block for the most absurd bullshit, I'm the bad guy?
I can't handle it anymore. I can't live like this. I can't do it.
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self.depression
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I’m a guy and I recently got stood up by my crush. One of my friends (female) talked to me for pretty much 2 days straight. We have a class together at school and she’s quickly become my best friend. After about 2 weeks I fell in love with her, and although she hasn’t admitted it yet, I think she— likes me. Another thing I should mention is that I don’t dream. But last night I dreamed of her. It wasn’t anything to crazy, I was just cuddling with her. When I woke up, I told her. And we’ve talked all morning once again. She’s pretty much turned my life around and I feel happy for the first time in several months. She is the reason I wake up every morning now. :)
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self.depression
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tips on reducing panic attacks and nightmares while sleeping? Hi all, first time posting here. I often get panic attacks or have nightmares while sleeping and it's really taking a toll on me. I'd like to know what y'all do to handle panic attacks while sleeping or just anxiety around sleep in general.
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self.Anxiety
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Sometimes I wonder if i'm not depressed at all, but just a terrible person. Not even sure why i'm writing this. Attention maybe? But i don't think that's the case. I have an alright life. I have a fabulous boyfriend (i'm bi) a decent family where not a lot went wrong (apart from my dad leaving several years ago).
I've always felt there was something different about me, not in a unique "i'm so special" kind of way, but that there's something sort of odd about me sort of thing. For a while I thought maybe i had autism but i don't believe that's the case.
I'm just selfish. But not in a pyschotic way, I care about other people. I just think I should be better than what I am. I've always wanted to be a writer. I think i'm good at it, creating a narrative and making new characters, characters who are brave and noble but ultimately flawed, like i like to think i am.
Right now, (i'm in the uk so the time is 3am) I have work in 6 hours, and i'm sitting at home drinking whiskey while my boyfriend sleeps. He's lovely, but I often think about the longevity of our relationship and whether he secretly hates me. I know in my heart it's not true, but i'm troubled.
I hate my job and though some of my collegues are actual arseholes, most of them are just decent people slogging through the 50 hour week on minium wage to make it by. I can't help it but part of me thinks i'm better than them. In terms of intelligence. I was always told I was a gifted child but I've realised in adulthold (i'm 22) that i'm average. I have no issue with that, but i'm just unhappy. Not sad, not upset, just unhappy.
I was always that one child that never had the right form for school for a trip when everyone else had managed. I didn't have the pen for a pop quiz when everyone else did. It's always felt like everyone else had a memo on how to behave in life that I never did. I alsys try to be polite when the moment is necessary, but at heart i'm ruthless when the time is ripe. But i don't know why, and I hate myself for thinking it.
I should probably see a therapist, though i have done in the past for an anxiety disorder and depression. It helped, but i still feel like there's just something off about me.
Anyway, i don't know why i've written all this, maybe because i'm drunk. I just feel sad, and wanted to rant about things in a place where perhaps some people could accept that. I'm sorry.
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self.depression
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Starting Work Placement It's my first day starting work placement to gain experience to pass my course at college, to say my mental health isn't up to scratch and i've got a doctors appointment which will make me over an hour late is just the beginning of my stress. Kinda have the urge to just skive off but i know that will have serious consequences, idk.
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self.offmychest
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would it be an asshole move if I just disappeared [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My Gram died a couple days ago but I feel so disconnected from it all She was one of those really awesome, don’t-give-a-damn old people that I aspire to be one day. 93 years of sarcasm and sass. We didn’t really bond until I was 15 (I’m adopted and was still adjusting up until that point) when she had a stroke and I spent the summer as her companion, cook, physical therapist and partner in crime. We became very close and when it came time for me so serve overseas she even gave me a little clay hootie owl (she LOVED owls) to watch over me. Needless to say I haven’t been able to see any family stateside very much over the past 4 years. But this year I finished my enlistment and was honorably discharged, I got to see her a couple times before I moved to California. Now she’s gone and there wasn’t even enough time or money for me to go to the funeral. She died, one day passed and today she was buried. And now one more lost in my very old and small adopted family. I’m only 25. My parents will only make it maybe another 5-10 years and then they will pass as well. It took me so long to build trust and these relationships and now it’s all about to be gone. I’m rambling but it’s just a shame in my view, it’s almost like all evidence of the second chance I was given is about to be wiped away and I’m too far away and broke to even be able be a part of it all.
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self.offmychest
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I will never know how to be a normal functioning adult I grew up in a household of mentally ill people, most of whom I've cut contact with including my emotionally abusive manipulative borderline-PD mother. I was neglected as a child and never taught even basic self care. My mother hated everyone and had a really negative attitude and wouldn't let me spend much time around friends houses because I'd come home asking why their families were so different (and happier). Sometimes she'd force me to stop being friends with people.
Fast forward to present day and I am a recluse. My partner has hashimotos which is an autoimmune disease affecting his thyroid thus causing him problems like depression. Our 7yo son has ADHD and ASD. Our 9yo daughter has inattentive ADD like myself and I worry she will probably get bipolar too. The most normal person I know is our 2 yo daughter lol. Every day I struggle not only with my mental illnesses but those around me, and the eternal guilt that I have messed up my kids lives whether through genetics or parenting I dont know. I love them to bits but they deserve better than me for a mother.
People have tried to give me advice like "go somewhere and meet new people". It simply doesn't work like that when you've never known how to interact with people. Made worse but the fact you have bipolar, ADD and ASD. The closest I ever get to meeting people is in my dreams. I have only ever had one job and only for a year. I make do with selling art or art commissions but I don't think I will ever be able to hold a real job when my anxiety is so high, my people skills are nought and I have no experience at 28 years old. I'd be an unreliable worker since I would rarely actually be able to work. People have said I should volunteer - same thing, the anxiety would eat me up. I'd have constant panic attacks. I have trouble with being close to people. I tend to sabotage the few friendships i get. I rarely am close with my partner because I struggle with touch. I know that life is worth living but I just dont know how to live when I cant even do basic adult things?
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self.bipolar
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You're invited! But there's no space in the car [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Meh.. I'm not thinking of hurting myself, but just wanted to say that when you poor 20hr days into a project for a few weeks, & I try to do something nice by giving away and open sourcing some of my artistic endeavours (which would allow people to make money from my work), I get told it's so easy, and trolled, when the guy even said it was easy because he traced over my image (created by me from a blank canvas)... not realising that the conceptualisation is sometimes the hardest part, like making something that doesn't yet exist in that form.
On top of everything else that's going on not even going to start, sorry), it's got me back on meds. Things get better I guess, so there's that to look forward to, or there's always more meds. If you would like to put a smile on my face, please send a hug or well wishes towards my loving grandmother in the comments, who could really do with a thought or prayer. When she smiles, I smile, so it may be the best thing in the world right now. Thank you🙏
Not using a throw away... maybe I should, but honestly, I'm just at that point where everything I try to do right, usually goes to shart anyway.
I would like to maybe help someone here with a little smile, so if you see any of my artwork in my post history, or really like Deadpool, hit me up and I'll do up a custom wallpaper or something for a few people.
Thank you🙏
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self.SuicideWatch
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I always end up laying on the sofa alone feeling depressed! Hi everyone, right now I’m very depressed. I have depression so I usually feel this way all the time. Right now I’m relaxing and trying to take it easy but I just can’t. I feel depressed all the time and wish I had a friend I could talk to in real life. Whatever happens I always end up laying on the sofa alone feeling depressed. Thanks for reading!
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self.offmychest
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You know when you think you're getting better but you're not [deleted]
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self.depression
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Why not overdose and die Feeling like shit, my live is going nowhere but backwards. Everyday is a setback. Have a bottle of Klonopin 0.5mg thinking of swallowing them all and pass out and die peacefully.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i do not deserve to be a human being. i need to die. i am not supposed to be alive. i need to end my life. every decision i made. every friend i made. i fucked up all of them. i gave them so many problems. i am not supposed to be alive. i need to die. please. i need someone to talk to. i seriously do. please..
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self.SuicideWatch
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What does dosing less or more Lithium, do to your brain? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Don't tell me what I will and won't do, especially when it comes to my safety. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I got a gpa of 1.78 for my first sem. Lol Not even mad cuz i expected it
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self.depression
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Words strung together. It feels like, *there's nothing wrong.*
Is how I'd describe myself right now. Odd how we only notice how much we need something until we lose it. Even a papercut on a finger makes us consciously aware of how significantly important it is as a means of touch or its contribution to the hand as a whole.
Little things...
Am I doing something right? I'm not exactly doing something wrong.
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.
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self.offmychest
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Suicidal because of tough Job Market? Is it normal that i want to kill myself because i am anxious that i don't get a decent Job that pays atleast a living wage. because i don't want to end up on welfare or worse end up homeless. So what should i do? Just kill myself because there is no hope to live a normal life? Or what should i do? I am very anxous about becoming homeless.
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self.SuicideWatch
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40 and alone I'm 40... or will be soon. I don't have a husband or a boyfriend.... my longest relationship was 5 months last year. I don't have kids. What is wrong with me? Why do I repel men? I tried last night, and all it did was put me into a deep sleep. I can't even do that right.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thought about how easy I️t would be for me to just slam my car into a barrier on the highway and end I️t. Wouldn’t be hard, just one quick turn.
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self.depression
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My Grandma is Dying Just finished breaking down after leaving her side. I had to lift her up to go to the toilet seat right next to her bed. I already knew something was wrong. She's too heavy. I can't lift her up.
For context, she had a stroke and can barely move her right side.
When she was finished I had to lift her back up with my aunt keeping watch. I tried to hold her up while my aunt told her to move her dominant leg back to the bed. She kept slipping and I had to hold onto her with all my strength.
My aunt's desperately trying to get her to move and she starts crying and saying she can't do it. It fucking destroyed me hearing this from her. This woman was always there for me, and now...
I was forced to put her on the edge of the bed while my aunt calmed her down. When we finally got her into position I left and broke down. And here we are.
I fucking hate myself for not being strong enough to hold her. I feel like an awful grandson.
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self.offmychest
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When does mental illness stop being an excuse? Some back story: my brother has struggled with depression (now diagnosed as bipolar) for years. Conveniently, he is always “depressed” when he does something shitty or illegal (read: three DUIs before the age of 18) and has never had to take responsibility for his actions, because my mom treats it like she is punishing him for being ill.
Cut to two years ago, he quits his job in a manic episode and asks to live with me for a while. I agreed, mainly to spare my mother some stress, and he lives with me for a year. During this time of manic and depressive episodes, I start actively avoiding my house because of the cloud of doom. I put my foot down with my mother about him needing to move because it started impacting my own mental health (and the smell in my spare room).
Cut to Christmas Day and I learn that the “fall” my frail Dad (who walks with a cane) had a couple weeks ago wasn’t a fall at all. My drunk brother, in a manic state, KICKED my disabled father. He had been living here for ~10 months and because my mom knows my reaction will be anger mixed with an intolerance of my brother and his actions, she choose not to tell me. My sister decided to tell me about 5 minutes before Christmas dinner. I know my mom wants me to have this “poor little brother and his mental illness” reaction, but I feel like anger is an appropriate reaction to when someone kicks my dad.
TL/dr: my brother kicked his father, an old disabled man who walks with a cane, and blames it on his mental illness, again.
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self.offmychest
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Do u think what my boyfriend said was mean? I texted my boy and told him that I don't understand why he likes me since I'm fat and ugly? He texted back "you're not ugly. Maybe u can get your hair done or buy new clothes to make yourself feel better."
Was he insulting me?
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self.depression
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failed suicide attempt tuesday. really don't want to keep fighting anymore. my life is literally so bad right now some people will not believe me.i dont even know where to begin. lets start with my mental illness. i am bi-polar with adhd, mild ptsd and i finally found out i have disassociative identity disorder. i am on medication and for the most part it has been under control until recently.
i don't even know where to begin so i'll just let it flow out in no perticular order.
my mother is in her sixties and is getting dimentia. it runs in my family. i recieved a traumatic brain injury in 2013 and i am noticing what i believe may be the begining of my own battle with the same disease.
i found out that my dad is a child molester. unfortunatly i found out after he raped my son. now my son has ptsd and several other mental issues because ot it. the last 3 years he has been on a drug bender that he has finally gotten out of but it cost him his diploma. not graduating has made it difficult for him to get a job. i feel like its all my fault.
my house went into foreclosure and part of my mental illness is not dealing with problems. just ignoring them as they just overwhelm me. i tried to fix it but it was to late and my house sold on dec 23. i don't know what to do or if i even can fix that.
i have thousands and thousands of dollars in medical bills and credit card defaults that i just can't pay. i used to have a really good job and i got paid well before my accident but now i work at a small store and i haven't gotten a raise since i started in 2014.
i can't afford to register or insure my car so im driving illegally and have been for 6 months so i know i'm pushing my luck.
I haven't paid my electric bill in 3 years. i owe $21,000
i feel like a complete waste. thats why i tried to hang myself but i couldn't even do that right.
i tried to call out today and my boss decided my presence at work was more important than my mental health. i cried in the back of my store for 20 minutes. i'm at my wits end. i can't take it anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i just took 19 pills in class ok so im 15 and i just took 19 pills in class now i feel sick and tired idk what to do should i go to the office or message my mu cause like i dont wanna die anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you guys deal with people you dislike? (Before I start, these are issues I have in my family as well and I would appreciate if you shared your thoughts and could give me advice somehow, thank you!)
So, I have had social issues for a long time and I know I'm not perfect and that I almost likely annoy people from time to time but when someone near me does something I dislike or that annoys me I just can't let it go.
Most of the time they do something annoying but then stops immediately which is fine, but there's also those who constantly annoy me with their personality and small things they do and I can't tell them to stop doing it.
While they do annoy me I am scared to tell the truth and speak up because I don't want to seem like an asshole and make them feel bad. I know they're not doing it on purpose but it's killing me and I don't know what to do.
The worst thing is that I have that with my mom and dad. My dad is a lot like me and doesn't speak up often and gets very easily annoyed which makes it hard to even speak to him or ask questions (I often stutter or speak to softly so he doesn't hear me which makes me feel worse).
My mom on the other hand asks questions about everything: my day, my thoughts about that picture I really don't care about and other things I wish she just didn't ask.
You might be thinking that she's just trying to be nice and converse with her son, and you're right, she's not trying to be annoying, but a lot of the time I feel like just screaming at her or punch myself just to avoid the questions but I know that will only make it worse.
I really don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt them and tell them the truth since I personally don't think they are good parents at all and I doubt they'll just let me say that but as I said, it makes me feel horrible.
Advice would be appreciated :)
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self.Anxiety
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What would you sacrifice to make your anxiety go away forever? Wonder this all the time sometimes have weird hypothetical thoughts on it like “would I push this button if I knew it would make my anxiety go away forever but one person somewhere in the world would die” lol sounds sick but just stupid shit like that I wonder sacrifice a limb idk
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self.Anxiety
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I don't know how much longer I will make it :/ [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Has depression made anyone else boring af I've become such a boring and stupid person thanks to depression. I can't read or learn or remember things anymore, I don't have any hobbies. And quite frankly I have nothing to say to anyone anymore. They can start talking to me but I won't give anything much besides "Mhm. Okay". I used to be so much more interesting, I used to always crack jokes and clown around. But now, I'm as bland as raw tofu. Before I could make people laugh and genuinely want to be around me, but now they just look at me in awkward panic as they feel our conversation dying.
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self.depression
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Anyone have a story about why they don’t trust people? Trying to find people to connect with how rude people can be when you reveal parts of your depression to non-depressed people.
I have four:
1. On two separate occasions when I had explains my sadness I had someone tell me
“what are you going to shoot up a school or something?”
As a half-joke/serious kinda way and all I can do is wonder why would any person say that to some else?
They know I would never hurt anyone but they still said it
2. On another occasion, I was talking about how I felt guilty (nothing, in particular, just my depression getting the better of me) and the person I was talking too said: “ew you didn’t rape anything did you...”
I was stunned at how rude that statement was! In their defense I guess, is how vague I was being cuz I don’t like to open the depression’s floodgates all at once. Regardless if they were depressed or not, I would NEVER do that to someone.
3. This girl would talk to me about her problems with me on multiple occasions and I tried talking about how I was feeling as a way to relate to her and she said, “Um, when did we start talking about you?” Preceding with awkward silence
4. My friend was talking about his roommate’s depression and how he would say “ I don’t think I deserve happiness” which crushed me cuz I felt the same. My friend showed no concern whatsoever and even laughed and said “oh that so him” which caused me to call my friend out and called him a monster
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self.depression
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I really want to stop smoking weed but it’s the only thing i’ve got If i don’t smoke weed and have something to help with the anxiety then i’m just stuck with these thoughts and there’s nothing that i can do. I don’t think i can do that.
I need something to get rid of all this stuff but i can’t keep doing this
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self.Anxiety
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Do you act out in anger? My whole life I felt like I was the nice guy who got shit on by everyone around them. I'm 24 now and I have a good job. I've always struggled with pretty bad anxiety my whole life. At some points not being able to go out in public. I've grown increasingly hateful the older I get, because of how I see people treat someone.
I have the worst attitude now adays. You know... that phrase "I hate people"... that's my motto.
But recently I've been really angry at work. I lash out when my job becomes super stressful on busy days. I can tell people think I'm crazy.
Do you have any advise? It seems like when I hold it in and don't lash out it builds into a huge blowout. I need help guys. I've been scared my whole life, but now I'm just angry. How do you handle work place stress?
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self.Anxiety
|
Me (23M) and my girlfriend (22F) are both in medical school, and she is suffering from depression. We both want to become doctors, but medical school is really stressful for someone with depression and anxiety.
She's an amazing person. She's beautiful and smart. I can honestly say that I want a future with her. However it's getting harder to keep up with her depression.
She'd have episodes where she can't even move and I'd have to do all the chores and prepare meals for her. She would also be self defeating and I'm running out of words to cheer her up as I often feel ignored. Her mind would be so foggy and she'd have problems trying to remember what she studied, and she'd get low grades as a result. It's been like this for months and I'm getting tired. I feel so inadequate and usesless because I can't do anything to make her happy. I also have my own problems and grades to look out for and I can't keep juggling all these responsibilities by myself.
She doesn't want to seek psychiatric help, because she doesn't believe that it will help her. She doesn't want to be treated like a case by someone who doesn't really understand what having depression feels like. Also, she doesn't want her family to find out that she has depression as they might stop her from going to medical school.
We tried getting into meditation and it seems that it doesn't work for us. I love her so much, and I want the best for her, but I really don't know what to do.
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self.depression
|
I left him and I feel much better I was in a 6 month long relationship with an emotionally immature guy. I realized very recently that the relationship was abusive because of all the emotional baggage he unleashed on me. It felt like I was always there for him and wanted the best for him, but he never did the same in return. I was afraid of saying no or speaking my mind in case he threatened to hurt himself. His mood fluctuated so quickly, and there were times where I would cry in public because of him. If i said the "wrong thing" he'd go silent and shy away from me; i would fake setting up an uber for him to switch back to being normal. I was weary of sharing my accomplishments in case he beat himself up because he can't do the same things.
I didn't ask for much, but when I did ask for a couple things (one being something he did that was very triggering for me) he refused to change the behavior and made excuses. I exploded on him once over these issues, and instead of apologizing or acknowledging them, he said we were through. He couldn't laugh at himself. He never owned up to anything. I couldn't be independent and I felt like i had to agree with him on everything.
I broke up with him a little over a week ago and I feel so much better. My friends even told me they were happy for me, because they knew that he was pulling this kind of behavior. I am happier and I've already met some guys who seem really nice, but I'm still weary of how my future relationships will turn out. For now I'm just glad to be gone.
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self.offmychest
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Just about to take my first dose of lamotrigen I've had what was thought to be depression since the age of 17. I'm 25 and had a tough time this year.
I've been diagnosed as bipolar type 2 and amnt sure what to expect from this medication. Im still on effexor for the time being (man it is hell to get off of it)
Can people tell me the positives of these meds please?
I guess, could people also prepare me for what to expect? After effexor, meds scare the shit out of me.
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self.bipolar
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Overcoming anxiety Can anyone suggest different ways of over coming anxiety and coping with it better ??
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self.Anxiety
|
Song lyrics are such a sad sack cliche But holy shit, dinosaur jr, "thumb":
Pretty good not doing that fine
Getting up most every day...
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self.depression
|
I've got a story to tell you all... Let me tell you all a story. 19 years ago, a little girl was born 2 weeks early. She had a full head of black hair on her head and almond shaped eyes. Her family swooned over her, each member wanting to hold her and never let go. For the first few years of her life, she was happy.
Four and a half years later, another girl joined the family. This baby looked a bit different than her older sister, but no-one cared. She had light blonde hair and round eyes. Her older sister ran into the hospital room the minute she was born screaming "WHERE'S MY BABY SISTER?!"
That year...things started to change for the then four year old. Her dad began to physically abuse her whenever he was sure she had done something wrong or was just in a bad mood. He'd yell in her face, grab her under the chin in a sort of choke-hold, lift her into the air, yell some more, and then throw her into the wall. The girl tried going to her mom for help but her mom just stood there...watching. After a year of this, the girl could barely get her words out when her dad began yelling at her. After three years, by age eight, the girl simply stood there, not saying a word and allowing herself to take her dad's beatings because a voice in her head had begun telling her she deserved it...and she believed it. The girl's sister got everything she asked for, including the care, love, and attention from her parents.
Eventually the mom and dad divorced. The mom and two sister's moved further north up the state, moving from a county house to the mountains, the girl leaving behind her only friend of eight years at that time, and the girl thought the hard part was over. Little did she know, it had only just begun.
At her new school, she made a couple friends, but eventually they stopped talking to her, instead walking past her as if she wasn't there. When she moved again, they stopped talking to her altogether. As if she never existed in the first place.
She moved to 2 more houses over the next four years, eventually ending up down the mountain in a city. At her last house, her mom had met and started dating another man, who she was going to marry. The girl thought this new dad in her life would be different than her real one, who she rarely heard from anymore and saw only once a year, but she thought wrong.
A month before her 14th birthday, she came home from the summer camp she'd been at for the past 2 weeks. Her new stepdad waited till the mom and younger girl left town to go to a competition the younger sibling had before telling the older sibling to get her cell phone and laptop.
"I noticed you were acting differently," he told the girl, "so while you were away at camp, I took your computer to the police to have it searched and I found out that you have more than one account for a couple of the social media platforms you're on. So tell me...are you or are you not sending nudes to some secret boyfriend you have?"
"What? No."
"I'm gonna try this again," the stepdad sneered. "Tell me the truth!"
"I am!" the girl shouted, tears beginning to form in her eyes.
The stepdad slammed his hands on the table, causing the girl to flinch backwards.
"TELL ME THE TRUTH DAMMIT!"
"I am!" The girl yelled, her voice shaky as tears streamed down her face.
"I also got recordings of phone calls you had in the middle of the night and when I listened to them, I heard you talking to a boy on the other line so I know you're lying to me."
"I never made a phone call to anyone late at night. Ever!"
"I have proof right here that you did," the stepdad laughed. "Listen."
He opened his laptop and pulled up a file. All that could be heard over the speakers was static.
"See, look, here," the stepdad pointed to the screen as more static played in the background, no dialogue to be heard. "Right here you tell him that you have to be quiet because 'my family is sleeping'.".
"I'm telling you, I never made any phone calls in the middle of the night!" The girl all but yelled.
"Fine, you won't tell me the truth?" The stepdad yelled, throwing his hands in the air. "You've left me no choice. I'm going out later today to buy a new modem. One that'll allow me to turn the internet and talk and text usage off when I want. Unless you wanna confess. Last chance."
"I--I-I-- d-dii--didn't d-ddoo it," the girls voice shuddered.
The stepdad bought the modem, telling it to turn the wifi, data, and ability to make phone calls and/or text anyone after 11pm at night. The following year, the girl found out that her stepdad had been spending the last month or so eavesdropping on her bedroom door late at night and, when he "heard her voice", instead of opening the door to check, the conclusion of talking to a secret boyfriend late at night once again came up. The stepdad wouldn't let the girl say anything as the conversation from the previous year happened once again, only this time with the mother.
New year, new house. The first day of high school would be starting up soon. Like most of her new schools, the girl met a couple people who treated her as a friend but never spoke to her outside of school. The next three years went by the same way. The first eighteen years of this girls life had gone by. She was an adult. An adult who constantly got ignored, talked over, or interrupted by the same people who told her time and time again to talk more.
Have you ever been in a car crash? Whether you were with someone else driving or you yourself were driving? Specifically a crash that totaled your car. Thankful no one was hurt, you got out of the car. Taking to social media, maybe you took pictures of your car and asked your friends if they knew where you could find a new car. If they knew anyone selling one and when they ask why, you tell them you totaled your car? Now imagine not getting a single phone call or text from any of your friends asking if you’re okay. You are okay, no one was hurt. But you also crashed your car and could have been injured. Instead of people asking if you’re okay, you get videos sent you you of concerts, driving down the street late at night, etc. All that happened to the girl only a week before this story ends.
So now we're caught up to the present. Right now the girl is sitting on a couch at home typing this as her so called friends hang out with her other so called friends around town or spend time at a beach a few hours away. The same people who said they couldn't hang out because they had to go to their jobs or they were too busy.
"I have to cancel, something came up. Maybe next time." A few said, for the hundredth time in a row before they got in a car with other people and headed out of town for some fun.
I'm gonna finish this off by asking you a few questions. Have you ever felt like no-one was there? Even when you were surrounded by people? Have you ever felt like people just...forgot about you? Have you ever felt like you were drowning even when standing on solid ground? Or like you've suddenly just disappeared?
Let me end this for good by rephrasing the first sentence.
Nineteen years ago, I was born.
|
self.depression
|
how much ativan could kill a 16 year old female approximately 5'6 in height and 120 pounds? [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
It really doesn’t help when your mom acts like she doesn’t give a crap about you. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Bloodwork and the little things we do to stay alive It's not the blood work really it's all the little things I just don't want to do right now. I've got to get my health stuff done (cholesterol, blood sugar, thyroid, random shit that my meds can fuck up). I've got to do it early in the AM so I can get my lithium level set up (9-11 hrs post dose). I've got to fast. I've got to get my fucking celiac test. Then I've got to drive to another city and pick up a fucking garage door opener so I can go to my classes. I've got to feed my snake, which means I have to go to the fucking pet store. So much. Fucking. Shit. To. Do. I need to pack my bags for a trip I'm going on and I need to send a draft of my paper to my boss before I leave. I know I should be excited about the upcoming semester and about wrapping up the draft but I just... meh. It's not even a mood thing necessarily I feel okay I just have an overwhelming about of stuff to do this week. I've been taking care of a diabetic cat as well which is just one more thing I've got to do.
I didn't get to go to a beach this year and I only went to the pool once so I kinda feel like summer is passing me by. Like I'm surviving, not living.
But writing this has made me realize that it's probably best if I take care of the snake today, so off I go!
|
self.bipolar
|
I couldn't escape. When i try to escape before, i always go back down even harder. Whether it would be in school, having friends, trying to have a girlfriend, i always have been hit by illness, family problem, rejection, etc. Even though around people i fell lonely, even when talking with others. When I'm playing, somehow as soon as i laugh with colleagues after a few seconds ill feel lonely or sad then ill think this happiness will have a price so i will be more down. I cant escape. I wish i could! in the future! I wish i could.....
|
self.depression
|
This is my family’s first thanksgiving after... everything. Hi.
I don’t even know where to start. One of my parents told us that they’re an alcoholic over the summer. They cheated on the other with a family friend, they lost enough money to pay off my student loans 5 times over due to a gambling addiction, and now I have to spend an entire Thanksgiving with them. They’ve “apologized” to me, but honestly I felt like that apology only came around because they had to please AA. My sibling attempted suicide over keeping this secret because this family member forced them (soberly and drunkenly), and I can’t look them in the eyes. I’m afraid of the similarities I see between myself and this person, and I don’t know how I’m going to survive this weekend.
|
self.offmychest
|
Alternatives for ssris So tomorrow I have an appointment coming up for my anxiety which lately has grown to the point where it’s taking all the pleasure of of leisure activities and I can’t get anything done because my anxiety makes it too hard to get Around to in the first place if that makes sense. I have been referred to a top doctor ( not sure whether it’s just for teens and under or not ) but was referred to this person to be reviewed to see if I was fit to be prescribed ssris or not. Now after reading about how most ssri medications have around the same success rate as a placebo pill and often they also cause conditions to get worse and on top of that they interact with pretty much anything including passionflower which I often supplement, I’ve decided there is no way in hell im trying those. So I wanted to know what other alternatives there are that have a success rate that makes them worth actually stopping supplements for? Also how can i avoid having these ssris forced on me. And can anyone tell me what these doctors obsessions are with their damn ssris?
Cheers!
|
self.Anxiety
|
I should be an actor... I feel like most people who have depression could work in theatre or movies. I don't know how you guys feel about putting on an act when really you feel so sad that it's hard to breathe, but recently I have been having to act like I am getting better from depression. My roommate confided in me one day when I came back to our dorms that he struggles with depression. He was placed in a foster home after his parents died, and his foster mom committed suicide. After that, his friend also committed suicide, so of course this takes a toll on someones' emotional health. I told him that I started taking meds and going to therapy, and I smile and laugh and act like I am doing better so that he can feel encouraged to get help with his depression. I feel so fake though, even though I am getting help, I don't think it is helping me, my chest has that particular empty feeling and breathing is hard to do. I feel like crying a lot of the times now while I am laying down in bed, and driving to and from class. I would never let my roommate know that I was actually not doing better though. I really want him to get help because I see myself in him, and he is a really good person who doesn't deserve to be sad. I wish depression never existed, it is such a sick disease.
|
self.depression
|
Books about Worry Has anyone found any books that actually help people who worry a lot?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I sent in my undergraduate application to my old university last week, and I'll probably be rejected. Today I got an invitation via mail for their open house. The soonest date is after all the acceptance and rejection letters finish rolling out... [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I hate my life Someone please tell me this gets better cause I can't see it.
|
self.bipolar
|
I have a huge crush on my friend I have a huge crush on my friend BUT he is in a relationship.
He is everything I look for in a partner: same sense of humor, same tastes in music, movies, interests in general, and he's very attractive (the definition of "my type"). It's difficult for me to find people I'm attracted to but he checks every box.
We do light flirting sometimes but I don't know if his feelings are mutual. We would see each other around a lot and eventually he approached me and started talking to me which is how we became friends.
I would like to tell my friend about my feelings but I don't want to ruin our friendship and I want to respect his relationship. I feel like telling him would only be to get this weight off my shoulders and just put him in a tough spot so I'm telling you all instead.
|
self.offmychest
|
I need to vent a bit Hey, I need to put my thoughts into writing and figured this could be the place. I am young, as will be apparent from the post, and I am overwhelmed with emotions right now.
Life happened and some of the people who were close to me are dead, my parents are divorcing, I am moving out of my parent's house for the first time and started my own business, which has been a huge success, but I have been working non-stop for the past 3 months, Christmas and New Year included, and so I didn't celebrate with them as much as I could.
My little sister just came to the room as I am writing and in her cute young voice said "DepressedCzech, if you eat an orange, put the peel into this glass so my room smells nice". This isn't going to happen ever again, not a single time anymore in my life, because I am not going to be there.
I am just bawling my eyes out right now, because I feel like a whole "stage" of my life just died and it will never be the same again. I have always lived in this place, with these people. And now, everytime I am going to see them, it is going to be just a "visitor". I will no more know their little quirks which annoy me. I will never be with them together ever again. They will only grow older, and there will be a time when they won't be around anymore.
And all of this scares the shit out of me. I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know if I am going to have enough money to survive, hell, I might not even be my with girlfriend in a year's because something will fuck up. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze time.
However, the worst part for me is death. I am immensely scared of it. I just don't want it to happen. The thought that I have lived through about 1/4 to 1/5 of my life is chilling. Maybe I am a bit hard on myself, but I feel like I have been useless. Doing nothing but going to school and trying to make money somehow. Great. Cool. Now how's that going to help you when you die, Mr. Ing. Lying-5-feet-under. And that's good scenario, you might get fucking lucky and die at 25 of cancer. Just great. Going to school, maybe getting bullied, getting in love for the first time, enjoying a vacation or two. Boom, dead, no more life for you.
The worst part about this whole thing is that there is no "solution" to this. I am a very analytical person and this is just killing me. This is simply life. People are gonna come and go, the girl/man you've been with for 15 years might decide "Meh, I don't like you anymore". I know all of this, I don't want it to be like that, but there is nothing I can do. And this is what kills me. It's just gonna happen, and I will have no control over it.
I am sorry this is so long, I am just gonna cut it here and go back to packing things. Please let me know if you have any advice, but I feel like I just have to soldier on and make piece with the fact that I am going to see my sisters not as often. I will never ever see my parents smiling in a photo together again. I will never see some of my relatives ever again. I am going to move in a house with a girl I would die for, but she might someday just make her mind and go. And I am now grown adult fully responsible for his own life. That is shortening with each monotonous day I am working, and not spending time with the people I love the most, who might not be here soon. And sometimes nice thing will happen, but then again the monotony and memories of "how the last year's birthday party was great". Yeah, but the 364 days of the year you are just a mindless zombie, giving up your life for other people so you can afford food and a roof above your head.
Someone on reddit in a post about depression wrote "Not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to be anything. Not wanting to be at all. I don't necessarily want to die. I just want to have never existed." It's unbelievable how accurate it is.
|
self.depression
|
Anyone have depression in cycles? Or seasonally? My depression the last 3-4 years always starts around September and ends around February.
Basically I have 6 months of feeling great and 6 months of feeling like shit. I really want to quit my job and life and just sleep until next year.
The pull of my bed keeps getting stronger everyday that passes.
|
self.depression
|
Ugh, the Demands of Holiday Socializing Ugh, I hate how this time of year means increased social pressure. I hardly have the energy to socialize to begin with, but add all this holiday stuff on top and it wears me the hell out. Went to a Christmas tree decorating party this afternoon and after an hour I started fantasizing about announcing "I have a mental illness so parties are very draining to me ... so ... yeah ... thanks so much, but I have to go now." I did manage to last a couple more hours but now I'm soooo tired. Thank heavens my husband understands.
|
self.bipolar
|
I have absolutely no idea where my life is going, anybody I can kind of talk to? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I am 23 and I've had anxiety issues for my entire life and have never had professional help. Can't afford therapy, was wondering what the pros and cons of anxiety medications are as well as people's experiences with it? Has it helped? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
What are your ways of coping when in a depressive episode? I've suffered from depression for 7 years and am medicated for it. Been out of therapy for just under a year and have gone from being sectioned to now seeing my psychiatrist every 6 months. Safe to say I have recovered to an extent.
However, every year without fail I get in a depressive rut during winter due to my seasonal affective disorder. I was wondering what any of you guys do to get out of the vicious cycle of depression such as activities, hobbies, ideas I may have never heard of, anything really. I would seriously appreciate any of the help as I really am sick of feeling like this from November to March.
[Edit: a word]
|
self.depression
|
Any tricks to convince me to go to bed? Anyone have any handy tricks to trick themselves into going to bed, when they know they need to, but they just don’t want to?
Other than sleeping pills?
|
self.bipolar
|
no friends, spend the weekend drinking alone in my room playing video games [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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