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Nightmares Ever have recurring nightmares about losing someone you've already lost? I hate that my mind has to constantly remind me and replay what I already know is happening. As if I needed another reason to kill myself.
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self.depression
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Does anyone ever feel like they'll never be successful because of how easily overwhelmed they get? I get very distraught over almost anything- regardless of how small. It makes it very hard to cope with life. Anyone else this way?
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self.depression
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Anxiety medicine & sex life Is anyone else struggling with their libido since getting on their anxiety medicine?
I don’t have any sensation when my BF and I have sex. He and I lost our virginities to each other about 1.5 year ago. We had a great sex life then we faced a rough patch, so the sex dried up. Things have gotten back to normal in our relationship after many issue, but now I can’t seem to enjoy sex.
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self.Anxiety
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Playing video games- anxiety getting worse I’m 13 years old and I really don’t know if it’s bad but I find myself playing video games a lot more than usual, I feel like it’s an escape from the real world and I need your guys’ opinion if I should continue doing this. I’ve had anxiety since last year in 6th grade. I’d say it’s pretty bad and it affects me in the daily. I used to play soccer ALOT but know I’m not as interested as I used to be and I don’t even play anymore because of my anxiety. I just sit in my room looking at my phone the entire day. I just want to know if playing video games is something that occupies my mind when I’m feeling down or anxious. Also my parents have been fighting for about 11 months and just a couple days ago my mom told me they weren’t gonna fix things. And just yesterday my mom told me some pretty fucked up shit. Saying how my dad has been with another woman all this time and to not be surprised if my dad has like a girlfriend right after divorcing and it’s really making me erase my image of my dad. It sucks because I’m overreacting to it but I still think it’s really bad. Well I’m at school now... fuck my life. I’ll be seeing my therapist again in a couple days just for anyone curious.
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self.Anxiety
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Day 295 of not seeing my kids.... I’m almost done....I just can’t take it much more. I’m so sick of lying ex-wives that ruin me for me no good reason just to fulfill their greater plan of their adultery.
So many triggers.
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self.SuicideWatch
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One human being shouldn't have to endure this much pain, suffering, and struggle, especially not whilst watching everyone around him thrive. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Finals start tomorrow for me and I can't focus Granted for the past two weeks it's been worse, I still can't keep my mind in one lane.
This is my 5th year at my degree, usually it takes 3 or 4 years, but because I failed so many courses before, I'm still here. I feel like a failure at numerous things, constantly.
I worry about everything. The future, if my friends I love will still be there in the future, if I've messed up my chances at passing my courses, everything...
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self.offmychest
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Its easy to say you'll stay when things are going well. It sucks having depression and even worse being sick with some other crap that no one can diagnose. I'm in a fairly new relationship and the guy is great, really supportive. But I'm reaching that point in my illness where we're running out of easy things to treat. We've ran through all the autoimmune, typical infectious diseases, less typical infectious diseases, and we're starting to look at nuerological stuff like MS. Two of my doctors are pretty certain with my change in symptoms that's it something MS like and that's kinda scary. There are people with MS who live fairly normal lives and then there are people who are completely physically/mentally handicapped by it within like a year of diagnosis. I'd like to believe my boyfriend would stay if shit hit the fan, but there's really no telling how someone might react if it happens. I feel like I'm living my life in complete fear of some far off possible disability, but it scares me to think that everyone I know could easily just walk out and abandon me. And even worse,I don't know if I could even be mad at them. Why should they have to suffer because of my illness?
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self.depression
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Does anyone feel like their narrator inside their head is getting out of control? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel so dead inside and not whole I know I’m depressed and all that I just feel like a hollow shell and dead and sad and idk what to do. The other thing that sucks is I always am told it’ll get better and don’t worry. It also sucks that I have no one who likes me more than a friend and I’m sad because I’m bi and a guy or girl has NEVER like me more than a friend and it sucks. What should I do.
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self.depression
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My job closed their doors today with no notice. And I feel like my world is crumbling. Bear with me this is going to be a long rant. But I am stressed out and I need to talk to someone.So I got a message from my boss at my job that they were closing the doors today. And I am devastated. Last year I was robbed at my full time job as a bank teller. I had a emotional and mental breakdown. So I left. Started new meds and was working part time for a restaurant I have worked for on and off for 15 years. Two months ago my doctor and I decided we were going to change my meds. So we slowly started to ween me off of the meds I was on. Then boom my doctor left the practice I went to. And being without insurance I did not have the money to go to the doctors office which was required of me with my new doctor to get a new prescription. I had actually been handling the last couple weeks pretty well considering. And then came the message that my job had decided to close their doors. No notice. No heads up. Now I am not only without a job, with a 5 year old son right before the holidays. I feel like I am falling down a dark hole and I can’t seem to crawl out. I am afraid I am going to break.
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self.depression
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A moment of clarity I'm jacob. I'm 16 years old and I live in Minnesota. I'm posting this because I believe I had an intense moment of clarity while I was stoned. (Not the good kinda stoned) I mean where it was just too much.
So my buddies came over to my house yesterday. I'm usually not depressed but just a little lost sometimes. Just every once in awhile I'll get depression that will last from a day to a week usually. And one of them brought some really potent weed. And we were gonna do it both days of new year ( New Year's Day New Year's Eve.)
So last night was New Year's Eve. And we were smoking it. One of them didn't, it was just two of us and we were out in my old broken pickup truck freezing and smoking weed with a lighter with almost no fluid but it worked. A bottle and a 3/4in socket pressed into a water ballon filler as the bowl. It looked stupid but it worked. And we honestly had a fun time laughing about how stupid it seemed how other were inside and we're sitting in an old pickup truck smoking weed out a bottle. That night was fun, just sitting around chilling.
So the next day was not as fun. We were smoking some now in the morning. We smoked like 2 full bowls with low tolerance. And we were so stoned we were freaking out. It was not fun and felt very depressing and lost. The buddy that brought it had a little more than me and he got sick from it. I didn't but it certainly felt like it. While I was sitting in the other living room coming down. It suddenly struck me that I'm a nobody. That all these things that I do are not what I want to do.
It's about school is what my realization was about. It's a pretty small school so that's nice. But that's not what it's about. It's because I always talk about how I want to drop out and all about what shitty jobs I'll have to work. And I think if I drop out then I can just sit at home and play video games and live in those games in my head. But I realized sitting there that I was wrong this whole time. It's laziness that making me not do work and not give a fuck about school. I suddenly felt that I didn't want to drop out, how I wanted to do the school work. To not be shamed for what my opinion is about it. I feel that I have just already thrown my life away. I have all Fs in classes. And I feel I just need to do better because I haven't been trying one bit all school year so far. I feel I need to change it all then I think I would be happier.
I'm probably not making sense at this point my mind is still somewhat foggy cause I was like tripping for awhile from the weed. Btw I don't smoke that much just every once in awhile.
But now I'm asking for your advice on what I should do and tips to do it. I feel like I can't but I know I have to try.
I think if I finish school and graduate. I could do what I want then. Have a place to call home. Work a job and then when not working just have fun then like video games as an example I suppose. Just thinking about how I could have my own home and to love myself and not be ashamed that I'm throwing my life away.
I wouldn't have to be throwing my life away if I don't throw it away. Please send some advice. Thanks
Tldr. I had a moment of clarity about how I'm just throwing my life away but I can fix it if I try.
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self.depression
|
Management Of this illness has been in closer grasp than it ever has been but do you guys ever have days that you just feel like being an asshole?! I feel I spend so much time and energy controlling my initial reactions that sometimes it’s fun to just let it out. It always ends up in guilt and shame. I.e. a neighbor posted a joke on a neighborhood site, I thought it was ridiculous but serious so I reply with a dickhead response and quickly get schooled that it was a joke. I dont know. Maybe I just need to take up boxing 🥊 and get the anger/mania out instead of always trying to control it.....how do u guys cope?
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self.bipolar
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What would you do in my situation? I'm dying. I've been in my room for over a month now. I told my Mom I needed to goto the hospital a few weeks ago and then the following days I told her I needed her to make a doctor's appointment, she never did. I have zero energy and I am pretty sure I'm just gonna kill myself tomorrow. I'm 19 and do have health insurance. I am extremely sick and depressed. If I goto the hospital they're going to make me take meds? A chemical imbalance isn't the issue, my family is the issue and they'll just visit me in the hospital as well. What would you do? I've lost like twenty pounds in the past few weeks, I don't even know if I have the energy at this point...Im depressed, suicidal, and sick. How do I get the courage to go to the hospital? I have so many questions...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why the hell can I not stop having nightmares about my ex that broke up with me 2 weeks ago? Two nights ago I dreamt that she told me she cheated on me and talked about how much of an idiot I was. Last night I dreamt that she accidentally sent me a nude that was meant for someone else. This is just so tormenting and it ruins my whole morning. My dreams perceive her as a horrible person, yet she's one of the nicest and most caring human beings I know and we ended things on good terms. The flame just died for her and her heart wasn't in it anymore, that's it. I've known her and loved her for almost 4 years and this just hurts so much. I just wish these anxiety nightmares would stop.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know what to do This will be long winded. I apologize.
I am at my breaking point.
The love of my life hates me. He moved on to another girl THE day we broke up. I have nothing.
I've known him for a year. He helped me get out of a broken relationship. He helped me get on my own two feet. And I fell in love with him. I had that amazing feeling from him, the butterflies in my stomach, the warm fuzziness when we talked. He became my everything, my world. I loved him. He loved me. We joked about marriage, about living together, working together. We were amazing together.
The only problem was he had a few quirks. He had a set way of handling things and approaching things. Doing resets or tests, where he doesn't want to be disturbed. Yet, without realizing, I have interrupted his process or annoyed him with something, and he hated it. I tried to avoid doing it, but then I tried even harder and still made the mistake of interrupting and agitating him.
He let little things bother him, more than usual. Playing a competitive video game, where he was much more experienced than I, he took out his frustration on me. At first I took it. But it got really hard, and it began to hurt. We fought over it. Yes, I wasn't learning fast enough or was as great as he was, he expected better from me. He expected this level of perfection from me in gaming that I couldn't reach, and I tried so hard to. It ended up that we didn't play that specific game together anymore, or if we did, it was for short periods of time.
I don't want to sit here and talk shit about him. I don't want to paint him as the villian. He had his flaws. I had mine. Unfortunately, I agitated him to the point that he couldn't handle it anymore. Yes, it was my actions and mistakes. Yes, it was his reaction and responses. Together, we fucked up.
But he told me he hates me. He can't look at me and say he loves me anymore. He looks at me with disgust, because I was the idiot that couldn't stop triggering him. I was on the bus, crying, pleading for him to let me get home to work this out. I didn't buy half of the stuff I wanted to, because he mattered more to me than some shopping. But he was already done. He was telling me he was going to cam with another girl and enjoy himself. And he hung up. I don't know if he did or not. I may never know. The fact that he said it, hurt. I cried so hard, people were uncomfortable near me. He called me back within 5 minutes to say how much he hated me, and I tried so hard to not cry to try to talk it out.
But he's done with me. He's told me he has a new girl he wants to talk to now. That she is more important. He hates me.
I lost the love of my life. I have tried fighting to hard to make things work, and yes, I fucked up and made mistakes. Yes, I feel his responses and reactions were HORRIBLY out of propotion. He was my rock. my world. My everything.
I am in a state that I am terrified to be alone in right now. I've reached out to a few people to vent, to try to get something from it, but even with all of their reassurances that life will be okay ... I dont have it in me to believe it, or to trust myself.
I dont want to lose him.
I dont want to be alone ...
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to kill myself before my family finds me out [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is this mania? My friend was recently released from the hospital. She had suicidal ideations with a specific plan. Now, she feels fine. Very fine. However, I've never seen her like this (I haven't known her that long). She is doing all kinds of things now. Doing all kinds of crafts, constantly buying stuff in thrift stores and garage sales , posting all kinds of stuff on Pinterest, decorating her house, getting dressed up and very into her appearance, cleaning, road rage. I KNOW none of this is ABNORMAL. It is just EXTREMELY different because she's so happy now all the time. I'm only learning and read about this disease after her hospitalization because I care about her. ❤️
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self.bipolar
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I'm stressed all to hell I'm in my first year of college, which I know is stressful in itself. But I've always viewed myself as a very laid back guy that doesn't let much get to him. And I'm still losing my mind here, I feel like my life is out of my control, I can't find a good balance of time, I don't have the time to workout or the time to chill, my girlfriend is long distance so my weekends are shot for productivity, I'm taking 17 credits, I need to get a job and volunteer for my resume but I can't bring myself to do either, I need to find a place to live next year, I'm doing terribly in one of my classes but it's honors and I know a lot of people are doing badly but I can't help but feel like I should be doing better because there ARE people doing better and I'm not one of them. I don't know what to do and I don't have the motivation to figure it out and there's so much to do I don't know where to start
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self.offmychest
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No. I can't be anything I want to be Oh! Believe me have I not tried. I have tried so many times, never seeing the noble light at the end. My mental conditions have darkened it. Oh, even if it isn't for them I would have still seen nothing bright.
I hate the look on my face. I despise every part of it.
I wanted to be intelligent. That, still is my biggest dream. It means a lot to me. Awareness, this would be thing that could make me happy the most. I'm not who I thought I was. No. There are people at 12, finishing college. Who am I to be smart besides them?
I wanted to make art. I wrote. I've enjoyed my style of creative writing. People did so too. I could dance with the sentences, they all awakened a sense of inspiration and excitement inside me. They were beatiful. I could feel and think, overwhelming emotions and thoughts. Philosophy and art. Golden times of my 18 years of life. It only lasted a couple of years. Depression embraced me. I've lost that ability to think, write and feel.
I've met someone in that time. Soon to be my girlfriend, my heaven and hell. Her.
I needed to be tough for her. Manly. So that she could love me. I was always the kid who got bullied. I needed to "man up". Social acceptance was killing me too. Where I live, it's ghetto so you must be tough. I was scared, too scared. Powerless. Like a little cat. I have dealt with it. I got mentally strong and tough. Fearless. Leader. Charismatic. Assertive. Dominant. I've changed myself and my whole character in ways very few could. My intelectuall days were over, I didn't care. Rush of self-esteem was pretty amazing.
I had few hobbies now and then. Little pieces of motivation.
I was always interested computers. So, maybe hacking? I did try and fail. No motivation and no enjoyment. Also, those "real" hackers, they did start young too. It was so obvious from their childhood that this will happen.
Boxing. Practiced it for a month. Then failed. At the first time I started it, being a champion wasn't my goal. I wanted to get even tougher, but yes, failed. Second time I wanted to be a champion. LMAO. Failed eventually. I want to start for a third time. Wonder when I will fail.
I'm tired and I've lost the motivation to write all of my pathetic life. There are so many things but fuck it. I guess im nothing but a piece of shit.
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self.depression
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Mania- a summer of madness I took a trip to the other side. I entered a World of higher consciousness. I perceived the matrix as such. I saw other people in a dreamy state (i.e they were asleep/I was awake). I could feel other people's feelings. I could read their minds. I became one with my surroundings. The Sun, the Moon, the birds...they all brought me messages.
I felt protected and special. I learnt many things everyday. For example, how names tied souls together....how souls- according to their level of consciousness- were more or less 'real'.
My potencial seemed unlimited. The World was in my hands. I met my childhood cherub. I had sex with him (electrifying). I met Dracula. I had mentors and missions. I met Buddha/Christ. I gave myself to a higher power. Everything on earth seemed meaningless, fake, unevolved...I had accessed a higher level of reality. I interacted with the weather, the skies lit up when I was angry.
The veil had been drawn. I received information constantly. I felt I belonged to a higher order of people who had access to 'source', one of the 'chosen ones'.
My summer was full of magic. I could see the World as a mere illusion. I felt at home. I crossed the streets fearlessly. I lived in a state of bliss in which anything could happen and all of my dreams would come true.
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self.bipolar
|
Back again... I was here a little under a year ago after my girlfriend broke up with me and I'm back. I went on Prozac and that helped, but recently I'm finding myself in the same place I was when I started the Prozac. I'm going to look into upping my prescription to 20mg, still really low. I have no self-worth, and I think that's where this starts. My dad always placed my older sibling above me because they got straight A's and I would get low A's and high B's. This led to me having almost no sense of accomplishment growing up. I was also heavily bullied in elementary school when I learned what sex was and some girl accused me of saying I wanted to fuck another girl, in 4th grade. This reputation followed me through middle school because some insecure kid decided to bring it back up to make himself feel better. This also led me to have this mindset that liking girls is this taboo thing that no one should do. If you guys want the full story of my ex go back through my posts and it's there somewhere, but tl;dr it was a long distance relationship that ended when she cheated on me. I decided against dating for the rest of the school year, yes I'm 17 and a Junior now. This school year I was put into an English class with this really cute girl that seemed to like everything I like, she was literally perfect. I ask her to homecoming, no mention of a boyfriend. I start talking to her about herself after class, no mention of a boyfriend. I ask her to the movies, no mention of a boyfriend. I ask if she has a boyfriend, suddenly she does. This is where my depression came back, that moment. I just want someone in my life to validate my existence whose job it isn't too. I have problems with my dad because of my upbringing, and I have issues with my mom because she is a hard liberal and I'm a moderate conservative. I fucking hate my older sibling because they're an sjw cunt. Sorry, that was mean. I tend to lash out at people because I don't want to look weak, but at the same time, I yearn for love. I have trouble going to school because of the whole English class thing. I can't sit in that class without actually wanting to kill myself and it's too late to switch out. (I'm going to cross post this to suicide watch). I've lost all motivation and my grades are plummeting because of it, and that is making my depression worse. Sometimes when I'm driving down the street I consider running my car into a house or something like that, just so once someone would feel the pain I do. I don't want to drag others down, but I do at the same time. It seems I've been buried alive by everything in my life. Nothing seems to help anymore, I'm already in Dialectic Behavioural Therapy from when I had depression before, but I don't know if that is helping or not. I don't want to be mean to other people, but it seems like second nature because of all the shit that has happened to me in my life to be a jerk to people so no one knows me well enough to bring me down. I want to isolate, but I also want love. Please help me.
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self.depression
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I think I may be developing some form of agoraphobic-like (open spaces) anxiety. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My brother's birthday gift (Spanglish) Hi,
Today is my birthday so my brother wrote me something cool I wanted to share. This is only for Spanglish speakers.
I hope you enjoy it:
Broda, today is tu cumpleaños and eso quiere decir that you have to have diversión, because es ley y si no la cumples you go to the cárcel, to the bote and eso is not cool. Oh broda, hermano de la infancia, de la teen y de la adoult y de la life o sea de always, hoy cumples 38 years menos 11 that vienen siendo 27. When llegue to that edad entenderé lo que you understeand now y nada of this have sentido so, here come lo mero perron.
Orgulloso always lo he estado, esta de mas decirlo, así like say that siempre me ha encantado our relación and your especial brain, que llega a donde pocos can come, y eso que apenas vas en los 27.
Some times I can ver like si estuvieras a little frustrado, maybe I no se why but hay algo que I know y es that tu have more barba que yo and that no importa donde te encuentres or how do you feel porque siempre te adaptas y cultivas tu ser like a base de warcraft. It's importante that siempre be tu and lo sigas siendo, que always seas better como person, que siempre recuerdes que los bad moments son para learn y si no se aprende los seguiremos teniendo hasta que lo aprendamos so, no caigas en la trampa de la chilisad, y sobre todo recuerda that you have a broda que siempre estará cuando lo necesites sin importar donde este, porque si alguien es el best broda 4 eva ese eres you. Para que es tan los hermanos si no es para enseñarse, apoyarse, bromearse, compartirse, regañarse, invitarse, entenderse, respetarse, valorarse, abrazarse y amarse por toda la vida, o por lo menos , eso es lo que mi hermano mayor me enseño. Feliz cumpleaños Car 😁🎊🎊🎉🎉
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self.offmychest
|
I'm about to have a breakdown and i dont know what to do? I called in sick on Wednesday for work and someone did my cleaning route at the bank for me. Well the guy didn't lock the doors, turn the lights off, or put trash bags in half of the garbages. Yesterday at work my manager called me and told me this and the people at the bank probably thought I was the one who did those things. Then yesterday the bottom of my vacuum (by the roller) bent and broke and I wasn't able to finish vacuuming so their floors and carpet look like crap (plus they have ice salt everywhere which is impossible to get out). I really need this job but I'm so burned out and stressed all the time.
Also I moved out two months ago and my dad dug through all of my stuff that I left behind at his house. I'm 23 and I'm just pissed off that my privacy is being intruded.
Christmas is in less than a week and I have bills due. I don't get paid till Friday and I still have like 10 people to buy gifts for. I barely have money for food or barely enough fuel to get to work.
I already have problems with anxiety and stress and I am about to have a breakdown. I'm seriously terrified of losing my job and having companies come after me for small claims.
Could u please give me tips on what I should do?
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self.Anxiety
|
Is this common, normal, is it part of the normal human experience? I often just feel shit/desolate/sad for no real reason. My life is pretty great, I grew up quite privileged, I love my job, I have no reason to be sad, but nevertheless I keep finding myself in this state. I used to go stand on bridges and cry in the middle of the night, I have taken too many tablets after a drink and woken up (I am certain I didn't want to die). Does anyone else have this, is it normal?
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self.depression
|
I should like this girl, but I don't So I recently got out of a relationship of only 2 1/2 months, of which I cared for her very much, and while she cared originally, towards the end, she clearly did not. Regardless, a couple weeks later, it still stings a bit. It doesn't hurt, just stings when i see her, things that remind me of her, etc. It's small potatoes compared to soem of my other breakups. Anyway, thats not what I need to let off.
I met this girl on Plenty of Fish, a place I went just sort of as a resource to meet people. I'm a pretty average looking guy, so i didn't really expect much out of it. I actually got a few matches on certain sites, but after reading through this girls bio, she peaked my interest. Same interests, artsy, pretty driven, etc. So i was kinda surprised when she messaged me first. We have been talking pretty consistently every day for about four days now, and Honestly she is a very kind, nice person and we actually have quite a bit in common both from a life perspective and a view on life in general. She's not the most attractive ever, but shes not bad (looks are a wee bit important to me, but personality is way more important)
I don't get it. Everything spells out that I should like this girl, everything I thought I would find attractive in someone is here, and for some reason, i just view her as friend material. I feel like something is wrong with me in a way, but I know that its not the end of the world. Just makes me feel like an ass, and I really don't wanna lead her on.
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self.offmychest
|
Terrified of more of my loved ones dying. All my grandparents have passed away. My father passed away nearly 10 years ago. The boyfriend I had at the time of my dad's illness/death and who helped me with my dad's death committed suicide a couple weeks ago. Pretty much every night since I've been having nightmares of him dying or reliving my father or grandfather dying. And I'm panicking about more of my loved ones dying. I don't think I can handle anymore grief in my lifetime but I know it will happen someday. I'm worried my fiance or mom will die, and then I'll be incredibly depressed and I'll have no one to help me through it this time.
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self.Anxiety
|
xpost r/drugs, throwaway - I tried to end my life via Valium, Codeine, Endone and bourbon 3 days ago. Today my moods and emotions are beyond erratic. Does anyone know if these swings are fallout from what I tried, or chemicals rolling through my system? I was told by a user in r/drugs to post here. I hope that's okay?
Wordy title explains most of it. By "fallout", I mean an emotional fallout. Ive read people in this situation can experience an emotional drop and Im trying to ascertain if that's what I'm feeling or if it's potentially a side effect of the substances leaving my body
Im asking so I know if I need to be further mindful of my mental state, or if I can just wait for it to roll through
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Everyday that passes reinforces the idea that killing myself is the right choice. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My Friends Help Keep Me Sane There's not much relevance to this post except to thank my friends in a way that I couldn't in real life because of how nervous that would make me. They're the sort of people who like to goof off and don't take anything seriously, so I can act however I want around them without fearing rejection. They like to talk with me about my passion, Star Wars, and never complain in a rude way when it starts to annoy them and they just want a break; they kindly say they'd rather talk about something else. They allow me to have fun without causing me worry of embarrassing myself. When I had my breakdown at my surprise birthday party, they didn't ignore me or judge me for it- they tried to help me, to brighten my spirits, to make me happier. They didn't tell anyone at school about it that I didn't want to know, and they try not to bring it up so I can forget about it and move past it. This is a simple post- not asking for help, nor asking a question, nor sharing a horrible experience- it's just simply thanking my friends in a way I could never sum up the courage to actually tell them. Thanks for always being there for me and for never judging me for my faults. You don't know how much it really means to me.
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't talk to people I wonder if any other people suffer from selective mutism or at least that's what I found out is my problem called. I simply froze outside and even if I want to talk, order stuff or go shopping I just can't because I am not able to open my mouth and get stuff done. Anxiety and this whatever this is is mainly a reason I am not able to get a job and never had any. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am so isolated thanks to that and drives me crazy and makes me so worried about my future. If there is any honestly.
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self.depression
|
i sexually assualted(?) my friend when i was black out drunk and now i want to kill myself this has been eating me alive ever since it happened, and i’ve almost killed myself once since then, but my dad was able to pull me back into rational thinking, but i cannot drop the guilt, shame and the idea that i am now a terrible person. we are both female. so B was a very good friend of mine, i’ve stayed with them for weeks when their mental health was bad and visa versa, we had a very close friendship, we’d kiss and make out with each other under the influnce whether it was drugs or alcohol, (our relationship is non existent now as we both became toxic to each other for unrelated reasons) but we remained friends and neither of us wanted anything more, sex was off the table and we both (as well as i’m aware of i’ve woken up with bruises on my thigh close to my crotch area before), i had told them bruises on my neck we’re not okay but they still gave them to me occasionally but i would say “its okay they were drunk and did not realize what they were doing,” so one night we decide we’re going to drink something, we end up getting hard iced teas and a bottle of whiskey, i was aware of my low alcohol tolerence but my plan was to get completely messed up and other times when i’ve done this nothing terrible has ever happened other than a killer hang over. i start taking shots of whiskey and quickly become intoxicated, i had underestimated how much i could handle and i blacked out, the last thing i remember is leaning against B in a cuddling type of way. I wake up the next morning, my ride is on the way and we say goodbye to each other, everything seems very normal other than the fact i had consumed so much alcohol i am still drunk the next day and i don’t sober up till about 6pm. things seem okay between me and B, but three days later they message me asking if i remember anything about that night, i say no, and explain just how intoxicated i was, and B tells me that i had forced myself onto them, we did not have sex, but i had kissed their neck, attempted to grind against them and had gropped them, they had to push me off three times before i stopped apparently. i do take Bs word because i trusted them a lot and it upset me greatly i could do something so awful to another human being, i apologized profusely and in a state of panic explained that something similar had happened to me recently and i may have had some fucked up way of projecting that, and that i was so sorry, and i understand that explanation could of seemed like an excuse but i couldn’t stand to be that kind of person. i am a child sexual abuse victim and seeing myself as someone similar to my abuser made me physically ill, i told B we didn’t have to be friends at all anymore, they could block my number and me off all social media in order to remain feeling safe, their safety and emotional well being meant so much to me i was willing to never see one of my best friends again. but B insisted we stayed friends and that they just needed to get it off their chest. I still cannot think of myself as a good person, I sit and wallow in self hatred and guilt everyday because of my disgusting actions, it was a mistake and i would never ever do something like that had i been aware of what i was doing. the situation eats away at me so much because of the fact i was black out. every time i tell someone they say i did the right thing and that i was drunk beyond doing anything rational or thinking straight at all, but my actions are my responsibility and i can’t feel better about this. i really want to kill myself so everything will just stop.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I'm going to kill myself before my 17th birthday My life isn't even that bad, it just feels bad. Awful really. My family really sucks though, I can't talk to them for the life of me. They don't really pay attention to me either. Just my younger sister(15) and they always compare me to her. My birthday is coming up, I'll be turning 17 in just a few weeks, I've wanted to kill myself on my birthday for awhile now. I've been in a depressive episode(bipolar disorder 2) for almost a year now, I stopped taking my medication because I'd rather feel depressed than numb- the funniest part is I still want to kill myself on my medication. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and he just uped my dose. It did nothing.
I think I'm going to just celebrate on my birthday, write my letters and then //method// I sort of just wish I was alone. I kind of am thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend so he doesn't feel as effected by me killing myself, maybe he'll resent me.
I wish I was lonely.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Please someone read this, i've been holding so well since my dad died but now... I feel like killing myself is sooner or later inevitable.
I came back home from my boyfriend's house because I think I should spend some time with my mom. My dad's death made me speak what I feel and even stopped suicidal thoughts. But today.... I decided to be honest about few things unregarded to my dad. Now mind you, me and my mom has always had rocky relationship and I would never tell her much.
Now I reminded myself why... Since my dad died I've been honest to her about my limits towards me seeing his corps the day before burial and I've been crystal clear that this Saturday I didn't feel ready yet to go to the cemetery and I assured her that I'll surely go one day.
An hour ago she told me that me telling her all of that is avoiding all those responsibilities. I'm shocked, I feel hurt, I feel anger and... Hatred...
One of my coworkers told me "don't do anything you have no strength for, don't push yourself, everyone grieves differently". She's the only person that understands me... I will talk to her tomorrow because she will understand. She's such a kind person...
But not... I feel so weak and I feel like sooner or later I will kill myself because that's too much, I have no one to realistically help me besides good words. I feel like now there's nothing that will hold me. At least i want to be understood by someone. I won't get it from mom, I feel like I won't get it from boyfriend.
Im too tired, I really am. Please someone believe me. I have no where to go, nowhere! Please.
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self.depression
|
How do you guys get through your anxiety without sabotaging your relationship with your SO? I’ve always been the type of person who’s been gravitated towards romance. The thought of loving someone and being loved in return was nice but I’m a closed off person who’s too afraid to let someone in. I recently got into a relationship with someone who is really incredible. He’s very patient and understanding about my anxiety and depression. It took a while and a few arguments for me to open up a little bit. I believe him when he says that he cares about me and I do believe that he’s committed to our relationship but I keep having these negative and sabotaging thoughts. There’s times where I feel like he’s only with me because I’m the only one available. When he meets someone prettier with less baggage, he will leave me. The thought of him leaving is engraved in my mind so bad because in the past, I had people I care about die or leave willingly. There’s times where I get jealous when he thinks other girls are cute. I know I shouldn’t get jealous of that because it’s normal to have a celebrity/porn/anime crush but it bugs me a lot. I know, a lot of you would say “just talk to him. Tell him how you really feel”, but it’s really hard for me to open up. I grew up with a broken family and having someone there for you to trust and support you scares me. I’ve always managed to “handle” my episodes on my own. I feel like I’m sabotaging our relationship. Making up scenarios to pick a fight and give us a reason to break up. I really don’t want to lose him. In the beginning, I was hesitant to go out with him but the more we hung out, the more I started to like him. Now that I know more about him and met his family, the more determined I felt to make this relationship work. So how do you guys cope with your anxiety? Do you feel like your SO is tired of your meltdowns? Has there been times where the relationship almost ended because of it?
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self.Anxiety
|
On Prozac, things were looking great. Now... I'm worried Hi all - first time posting re my depression on reddit.
I'm diagnosed with moderate depression (by someone who noted down my description of my depression incorrectly), and the only treatment I have is Prozac (this is due to many many mistakes by medical professionals and no longer trusting Therapists in our system). I was first diagnosed with Chronic depression when I was 14, and I've only been diagnosed once since.
So, after various struggles, I decided to try drugs again - Prozac. I was on the losing end of the battle, no motivation, felt nothing, everything was numb and nothing gave me joy. I saw my favorite band, spent time with my boyfriend at my favorite places, played my favorite video games and none of it gave me any joy. More often than not we'd sit in a slump, him sad and anxious about me, me having no urge to do anything whatsoever.
So when I started prozac, I was really hoping for it to work. Eventually, it really did. After a few months I found myself writing again, able to get out of bed despite sleeping so poorly, enjoying myself, loving my partner and friends. I could listen to music again, food finally tasted good and I ate less. I didn't need to comfort eat, or smoke weed (which I had started doing every single day just to rid myself of the feeling of anxiety and nothingness).
But now, I've started feeling anxious again. It's been 3-4 months (my memory was shot by the depression, and now from bad sleep) and I'm so worried I'm going to crash back down. I'm on 40mg and don't really want to go to max dose of 60. I'm not sure if this is temporary? But the anxiety is awful.
It started off manageable. Like I just figured hey it's life. I'm going to get anxious or sad occasionally, even on happy pills. It's just a part of living.
But it's happened enough now that I'm concerned. I'm really scared. I've read articles that suggest anti depressants aren't actually all that helpful, and that diet/exercise/good lifestyle is more effective. I ate healthy as hell, started lifting weights and doing yoga, and developed a healthy work/life/social balance and still I felt utterly nothing aside from being grumpy and numb.
So... If medication doesn't work... Honestly I don't know what to try next? I'm not sure how to cope with my anxiety, any tips? I meditate occasionally, haven't been to yoga in a while and I'm not working out as much (my sleep pattern is still awful from the Prozac). Work life is fine (I'm underpaid but hey ho), relationship and personal life is great. I just... I feel worried, tight chested, even now. Since last night I've felt anxious and I CANNOT SHAKE IT.
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self.depression
|
Anxious around family since I dyed my hair blue Idk if this really belongs here, but I will delete it if I get a comment about it.
So my mom wants me to color my hair back to my natural color ('dark blonde') because she doesn't like that I colored my hair blue (now more green/light mint+ darker roots) but it's honestly the most comfortable thing I've done in a while its almost therapeutic for me to look at...
I've had a lot of problems with my identity from a young age, anxious about a bunch of stuff mostly just cause I'm very introverted and even in my family I never felt like I belonged, but I was alright with it. Until I wasn't and got agitated and kinda did dumb stuff (not drugs or anything just other stuff without thinking about anything) and felt really down.
Lately life has been good but I still needed something to make my life a little more exciting. After a few weeks of thinking I dyed my hair. It felt really exhilarating when I did it and I gained a lot of confidence, but when I got home from college one weekend I felt this huge amount of anxiety when my mom told me to quickly go change it back at the hair dresser. Not surprising, they couldn't fix it in one go so I've been using some products to remove the dye slowly but now it's at a stage that I really like... tomorrow morning im going back to the hair dresser and I don't know how to face anyone who stands against me. I know I have the right to change my hair how I want but I'm just really puzzled by this.
TL:DR; Ive dyed my hair against my mother's wishes, I'm not close with my family tbh and I've been through some shit and it makes me feel better somehow. Deciding if I should dye it back to blonde or just keep gradually getting rid of the dye. ADVICE?
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self.Anxiety
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Just my fucking luck 🤦🏽♂️ So imagine I’m out on a first coffee ☕️ date and I see in the corner of my eye the most beautiful women I have ever ever seen in my life .... the world is fucked.
So I met this girl at a party and through a friend of mine, she’s cool not my typical type but hey
, life’s for living and we definitely ain’t getting younger.
So go on the date, really nice place, one of those definite first date “just grabbing a coffee vibe” places.
She’s speaking about herself, she’s laughing way too loud, that over laughing where it’s on the verge of annoying but we actually chatting about some interesting topics and she has a good smile so it’s livable - I’m sure there’s something about me which she don’t like but hey it is what it is.... moving on!!
So half way through my convo my eyes gaze around the premises as you do, need to check your exits and entrances lol, and what do I see the most beautiful women I’ve seen.
Now my type has always been vague but my perfect women was her, i did not no her but I knew it she was single, she had to be. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks imagine I couldn’t look like I wanted too, so my mind was playing tricks on me creating an even more perfect image of her, and then the few glances i could grab without pulling attention to my gaze it was confriming it.
Now the girl i came here with was chatting and my body was in auto pilot, all i could think of was 'Fuck the perfect girl is right over there', if i was not with this girl i would walk over in front of her friends and just say ' Hi' .... it works trust me it does.
The worse thing is i actually needed to go toliet and walked passed her locking eyes for a second now she gave me lock eyes, she gave me that ' You with a girl so your taken look' i had to give that ' Yeah i am, im taken look back, im not totally arse, just a man.....
🤦🏽♂️🍪☕️
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self.offmychest
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How My Teeth Ruins The Day I’m back to the point where I’m overly fixated on my teeth (which, for the record, I always am). My guess is that I now spend at least 15-20 minutes on brushing my teeth after every meal (which is about once per day - and a small one). I brush the same teeth over and over again numerous times because I’m afraid I might have missed a spot and, as a result, will get cavities. Which, again, will result in discolored teeth. I stopped eating and drinking anything that’s bad for my teeth in 2016. Even then, I barely ate and/or drank anything that could damage my teeth.
I stopped that year because I felt terrible each and every time I consumed anything that could damage my teeth. For example, I could get pictures of my teeth rotting while attempting to eat a chocolate, or constantly thinking about future cavities and fillings while attempting to drink an energy drink through a straw (to avoid getting anything on my teeth).
I haven’t tried eating or drinking anything like that since, so I don’t know how I’d feel now. If how I feel now is any indication, I’d still feel pretty terrible to this day. It’s tiresome... I do enjoy food, but the whole regiment I have to go through afterwards just isn’t worth it. It’s not uncommon that I only eat about four sandwiches per day. Basically, I usually eat breakfast, and nothing else. I do sometimes wait until later on during the day so I won’t have to walk around feeling too hungry for too long.
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self.offmychest
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just flushed my life down the toilet in three years [deleted]
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self.depression
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👁👄👁 I’ve attempted suicide in the past, with tablets cutting, and I drunkenly tried again last night, I swallowed a bottle of hydroxyzine 10mg, which did nothing.. I felt guilty about worrying my husband, who was pretty upset. I usually feel pretty unhappy, but I feel like I get these moments of clarity, where I think that the only thing that makes sense is for me to kill myself, and once I get that feeling, I feel quite determined. I don’t really have any friends or family to talk to, and I feel like I’m doing nothing other than hurting my husband, which is the last thing I want to do. I do still, most of the time, wish I was dead. I hate my life and I hate everything about it, other than my husband and my pets. I think that, in the end, they’d all probably be better off without me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
When every single word in a song directly speaks to you Tame Impala - Yes I'm Changing
Tame Impala - New Person, Same Old Mistakes
MGMT - Little Dark Age
Arcade Fire - Everything Now
I'm finally crying after a long time of numbness and it's a horrible sweet release of emotions. Song suggestions would be appreciated, if this is not the right place to post this I will delete it.
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self.depression
|
I wish I could stop existing It's too painful and tiring to go on. It wouldn't even matter if I'm gone. Sure I have friends and family that would be sad for a bit, but they'd get over it.
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self.depression
|
HELP my family is poor. its sunday night and im gonna kill myself, but tomorrow my mum has a job trial thats shes so excited for and shes been wanting a job for ages, but if im dead i wont have to worry about that
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self.SuicideWatch
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It doesn't go away like flipping a light switch Half of the reason I don't even want to open up about my depression to most of my friends is because no one understands it. Everyone's always asking me "why are you still depressed?" Just because I've gone to 2 months of therapy so far or because I'm supposed to just get over it? I'm so tired of explaining myself to everyone. If I had a dollar for every time I had to say "I have chronic depression and I'm not on medication so if my life is going good I'm ok but if anything bad enough happens I'm thrown into a depression for a few months" I'd be rich. Sometimes it hurts to feel like no one gets it, even if it's not intentional, but it's a very isolating feeling. Hell, there's people who go to therapy for years and even then it's still hard. People act like there's this magical cure for it and there's not.
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self.depression
|
Unnecessarily complex job orientation process Having just gotten away from my extremely toxic work environment, I'm grateful to have gotten a part-time job to help with my expenses while I rebuild myself and get back into the industry.
That said, I work as cleaning staff for a gym and get paid minimum wage. So WHY IS THERE A DAY LONG ORIENTATION PROCESS AND A FULL HOUR LONG ONLINE TRAINING COURSE COMPLETE WITH MULTIPLE QUIZZES?! GAH! Plus, I've already worked 2 shifts and shadowed for another 2.
Now granted, as long as they pay me for the day, I'll do it, but seriously? I'm scrubbing toilets and folding towels.
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self.offmychest
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When you want to get some help but when you're about to you feel silly. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I need help - 20 m I had suicidal thoughts for a long time. My life has been fairly easy, I never had to feel hunger or was abused. I was an ambitious boy. To clarify in my country there were state exams for highschools, I was around 1000 among 1500000 people. Things kind of changed from there. I wasn't as succesfull in highschool. I really studied hard and made it to the college I wanted. Top university in germany for my field. (I'm not from germany) My suicidal thoughts were there around those times but it was more like "if i don't get in to this college i might aswell die." I dreamed big, and stupidly. I wanted to change the world and become someone important.
I failed man. I failed and it feels really bad. I studied for two semesters in that college. I had to had good grades in my field to be really succesfull. I couldn't so I tried harder. I had no friends anymore. I stopped talking to people and just studied. I wasn't asocial/antisocial before. But the college pushed me there. Our finals were projects and I had a really hard time finishing mine. I did not sleep for around 35 hours the day I tried to kill myself. I was screaming in my room that i wanted to die I wanted to be saved from this suffering. I know it sounds stupid to you people. But it was my world it was all i had known and i was failing it. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to stop for a long long while by then. Everyday I was taking sleeping pills for sleep and everyday I told myself "this is it, im gonna take all of this and die i just need to write a letter to my family". I thought people wouldn't even find my rotting body for a long time. Nobody ever knocked my dorm room.
That day I was screaming and crying. My project wasn't finishing. I took my knife went to the shower. I prayed. Then I went for a smoke. I wanted to end it. I really did but i wanted to tell my brother first. I called him. He told me to not make rush decisions and everything could be saved. He told me "I cant control your life, what I'm asking for you to do is write your professor a mail anf ask for more time, and don't kill yourself until you have a calm mind. Then the decision is yours. Try to sleep for now.''
I did all he asked, the professor gave me more time and all. I failed anyway
I am getting help. My family dont know it in detail but they know what happened. Im currently seeing a psychiatrist, I dont take meds but I'm going to gym and it has its own kind of high. Well it used to. At first i was always better when i did sports. But for a like a week or so i feel like the hell is back. (Hell isn't a metaphor, i have sleep paralysis and sotimes see visions. I saw death and felt pain as everything went bright during a paralysis around the time i was doing the projects)
Im srudying to go in a US college but its really stressfull. If everthing goes well ill be 21 as i start. And i feel like nothing is going well. I feel like shit all the time. I dont even have to think about anything. Its just meaningless crying, just blank thoughts and crying. I had to write an essay and told my brother it stressed me out and he told me he would do it for me. Then i cried. Not due to happiness i was genuienly sad and i knew it was illogical, i can't help myself. I just want it to end.
Sorry for bad grammar
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self.depression
|
I'm tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. Time heals. Time heals. Time heals. Time heals.
It's that easy. Don't worry everyone, you'll get over it. Time heals. It doesn't dull. It heals.
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self.depression
|
I really want to be raped and murdered. (mtf 16) I don't know if it's a fetish or if it's because I'm suicidal or both. I want to walk down a dark street alone, and have someone try to rape me and once they discover I have a penis, I want them to murder me.
I know it's really fucked up. I'm not sure what made me like this. I know the rape thing can be from a variety of reasons and is a fetish that shouldn't be shamed, but I want to be murdered.
I attempted suicide 2 times, one by overdosing on lithium and the other by slitting my wrists. I'm also a cutter and I'm trying to quit. Anyways, I'm not sure how much I look like a girl. I've been on hrt for 14 months and I can definitely pass in the dark or at night. So provided that I find the right people, getting raped should be no problem.
I know that it isn't safe. I know I could be raped and then left for dead before going to a hospital where I recover for weeks and living a miserable life. I want to kill myself again, but I don't have a good plan. Please don't redirect me to suicidewatch. I'm not actually going to do it now.
I don't know why but I feel that trying to get murdered is something that's better to do than suicide? I don't know to be honest. It's a little weird for me. I know trying to get murdered has a much higher chance of failure than actually trying to kill myself again. But I don't know.
At this point in my life, I don't care what happens to me anymore, that much anyways. I'm not into drugs but I wish I was sociable enough to go and find a dealer. To be honest, I almost jumped off a bridge but I didn't because I knew it wouldn't kill me because there weren't cars underneath.
I mean I'm a really good liar when it comes to real life. Nobody knows about these problems except for people on the internet. Well except for a couple of medical professionals. But I always lie to them if they ask me if I'm a danger to myself. I am a danger to myself.
I really don't want to get better because of what it would mean for my family. They're already in so much debt because of me and they don't have insurance that covers my visits to psychiatric wards. So it's not worth it. And I know they love me but I'm not worth them using all their resources on me when I'm probably going to die before I turn 20 anyways.
And I also want to be assaulted. By anyone. I haven't gotten in a fight since I was 12. Nobody ever hits me. I need to feel pain. And not pain from myself cutting. I want to feel pain from someone else. I want someone to smash my head into the wall. I want someone to call me worthless and useless and tell me that I don't deserve to live. It's not just rape and murder. I want everything bad to happen to me.
And I know I never have a future and I'll never be happy. Lots of people say that. Am I selfish? Yes, I'm selfish. I was born to 2 loving parents who accept me for who I am and I still want to kill myself. Other transgender teens would kill for that. I think it'll be better for them when I die. But other people think it won't.
And really I need to feel something. Other than nothing like my medication makes me feel. I'm sad, depressed, and my medication just drowns it out a little but I still feel it. And I want someone else to do it to me. Hit me. Rape me. Murder me. Kidnap me. Call me stupid. Call me selfish.
Everyone at school knows I'm transgender. I dress promiscuously sometimes to get attention. But nobody gives it to me. Not even when they see some of my cuts on my arms, belly and legs. I'm just a freak. Nobody will ever love me. I should stop seeking validation and attention because I don't deserve it. My school counselor only sees me out of obligation. I have no friends. The one boy who always asks me if I'm okay is doing it out of pity,
I don't know if it's my shitty self esteem that makes me feel this way. I'm never happy. I don't enjoy anything, I don't enjoy life. I want to feel death. I want to be a bigger victim than I am. I used to never go near wild animals because I was scared of them. Now when I see the wild cat near my house, I try to get closer and pet him. He allows me. I would never hurt an animal. But I want him to scratch me. I want him to bite me. But even he knows I'm not worth it.
And I also want to freeze to death. In the winter, I still wear a tank top and a miniskirt. I don't wear a jacket outside. I'm freezing and I'm cold. I want to catch hypothermia. I want people to look at me and think about how desperate for attention I must be.
I don't like hurting other people or triggering them. But I want people to be triggered by me. I want them to tell me to go kill myself. I want them to tell me I'm a worthless waste of space. I want them to help end my suffering. But I'm not worth it. Nobody will commit a crime to help me. I'm not worth it at all. Nobody wants me except my parents. They care too much. They should let me go. They always are kind and even when I don't listen to them they still love me. I don't deserve that. I don't want to hurt them but I have to hurt them a little or else I'll be hurting them for the rest of my life.
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self.offmychest
|
2.5 weeks on Zoloft I've been on Zoloft for 2.5 weeks now. 1 week on 25 mg, then 1 week on 50 mg, and now I'm on 75 mg. In the first week and a bit I had fairly bad anxiety in the mornings, and I have been having wild and vivid dreams. Now I feel like a robot, like nothing really phases me anymore. On the plus, I don't feel sad and as anxious as I used to, but I don't feel very positive either. Everything is just dull. Does this eventually go away? I want to feel happy, not feel nothing.
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self.depression
|
i don’t know what the point is anymore being alive just seems so pointless. i feel as if i stay alive any longer, i’ll just continue to fuck things up and i will always end up a sad piece of shit. i didn’t ask for this. i didn’t ask to be born. i know i have a few people that love me but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. ending it all would be so nice. i wouldn’t have to deal with anything or anyone. i wouldn’t have any opportunities to mess up. i’m unsatisfied with everything in my life and it’s taking a toll on my entire being. i feel like a guilty fuck whenever i do ANYTHING. life is not enjoyable. none of this pain is worth it. why the fuck am i like this. i’m so ready to be gone.
(i’m just venting, sorry if it just seems like a jumbled mess)
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self.depression
|
Want to hurt myself in interesting ways but I don't want to die. Please help! for my entire life i've been dealing with different ways to really hurt myself and kill myself but I really do not want to do it. Right now it's at its worse. Because usually I could handle by holding my hands down or restraining myself but this time its far too much. I want to breathe in so deep that my lungs will pop. Its been a though on my mind for way longer than any other time i've had a problem like this and I really need help. Can't find anything about it online. It really sucks and I just want to get past it. I'm really not a depressed person. And if I ever am, I never see suicide as an action to take. Life is amazing! and i've had an amazing life so far and I know suicide wouldn't do anything good for me. I really really love life and I'm scared of dying.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm gonna try something Something that I have been noticing recently is that when I start thinking about my depression, I get more depressed, so maybe all my depression is just placebo and all this sadness I have been through it was just my mind. I gonna try thinking that I don't have depression, and be more positive. I'll update if I notice any difference
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self.depression
|
Letter to my Addict Son To my son,
I am writing you this letter, knowing that you will never read it. While your eyes may lay upon it, you would never really hear my words. If you did read this, you would see it as some sort of manipulation and claim I was trying to control you. More than likely demean me for my feelings. I want to reach you. I need to reach you. More than anything in this world I want to help you but there is no way. You won't let me.
“You’re ridiculous’, I can hear say it, even as I write this.
When you were born, there is something special about you. Something that said you needed more attention. I gave it. You were daring. Always taking risks getting hurt. You feared nothing. I worried so much about you growing up that I did all that I could to protect you, to control the environment so whatever you did would not get the best of you. But now that you're grown. You are still fearless and I can do nothing about your world around you. I can't control it. I can't protect you from harm and I can't stop you from getting hurt.
‘I’m fine, mom, you’re ridiculous’
You say you don't have a problem. that this drug is not a problem. Yet, since you have delved into this world, you've given up your wife, given up all of your friends, lost two jobs, and rarely see your son. In fact, it controls you so much that you were so wasted, you slept the entire day away and missed your son's birthday. You woke up enraged, out-of-control, destructive and barely remember that night. Yet you blamed everyone but yourself and this drug. I don't get it. You weren't raised around it. You had two parents who didn't do drugs. Who are there for you, supported you, disciplined you when needed and loved you unconditionally. You had brothers and sisters that you clung to. Siblings one for all all for one. Now that family I built, has crumbled and is falling apart. Yet, you don't have a problem with this drug.
I blame myself. Even though part of me knows it's not true, I still blame myself. Was I not there enough? Not watching? What could I have done differently to stop this. To stop the spiral path that you walk on. The path that you believe don't take.
If I try to approach you in an understanding way, you tell me I am trying to control you or manipulate you. If I take the route of tough love, you say I don't believe in you. There seems to be nothing I can do. You want nothing to do with me. You play me and I allow it. One day you need me the next day you treat me like a stranger. My heart is broken. I am crushed beyond what you could imagine.
‘Stop it, Mom, you’re ridiculous.’
No, I will not stop it. I can’t. I am your mother.
I pray that you never have to watch your child self destruct. I pray that you never experience the heart ache of feeling hate from a child you love and I pray that each you time you see his face, you don’t have to walk away and say, “Please dear God, don’t let this be the last time I see my son.’
Because I do that.
Every text, call, message that goes unanswered, I worry and become obsessive. I fear the phone ringing and getting ‘that call’.
You say the drug and your lifestyle isn’t a problem. Yes, It is. You have given it to me. I carry this burden every moment of my life.
There isn’t a morning I wake up and don’t think of you. There isn’t a night when you aren’t the last thought on my mind.
Nothing I say can get through to you.
I am the enemy.
I cry every day, every single day. You don’t see it. You’ll never see it again. The last time I cried in front of you, when I lost it over your behavior, you ridiculed me and mocked me. Then you went on a tirade of how I wasn’t your mother, how you didn’t care. How you never wanted to see my face again. How I … was nothing to you.
You released such hatred. People have said that it was the drug and alcohol talking, but as a mother I heard my son. I will always carry what I heard, and I believe I heard your heart.
I grieve for the son that not one year ago would call me every Friday night on his way home from a late gig. For the son that would never walk away from me or hang up the phone without saying he loved me.
I grieve at the thought of the ending that I fear is inevitable.
‘Stop it mom, you’re being ridiculous.’
I hope to God I am. I hope I am ridiculous because I miss you. I love you with all my heart and soul and I want you back. I want my son back.
I know quitting for me is out of the question. Doing it for yourself is not an option, but will please, please do this for your son.
He deserves a lifetime of knowing the wonderful man I raised. He deserves that in his life. He deserves you! I may not have you anymore … but can he?
I love you.
Mom
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self.offmychest
|
i dont want to die, but i feel like i'll always be broken [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I really should be on r/Anxiety but I won't get the cold comfort I do not need but absolutely want from here...
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self.depression
|
New. Hi. Wanting to feel less alone. Hey, all!
I was just diagnosed with bipolar (II) last Wednesday and I'm actually writing this from a hospital room. I don't feel like re-hashing my entire backstory right now, because it doesn't feel necessary and I am *so tired* of doing that over and over every time I meet a new medical person right now. But I had some new-to-this thoughts that I really just need to talk to someone about. And even in the hospital, we have groups and things but no 1 on 1 assigned go-to therapist.
And moreover, I don't know everyone's diagnosis, and I know others are depressed, but I feel still somehow like I'm the only one with bipolar. I'm still, in a hospital for this issue, the only one dealing with it. Which makes me feel all the more alone.
Someone during a group said something that just made me unbearably upset and anxious and I barely made it through the group. They were expressing hope that their doctor had indicated their issue was something to work past- that there was a root cause they could fight through to be healthy.
I know bipolar is "managable" but I also know it's for life and there is no "fixing" it, or "root cause." I need help quelling some of the thoughts I keep having around that issue, especially because I think they are the core reason I'm feeling slow to feel better, even with meds and relaxing and introspective time spent here. But without knowing another bipolar person, or having a daily 1 on 1 therapy meeting, I don't know who to express them to in a constructive way. Maybe someone here can shed some light, if anyone sees this post!
- I am alone. I am the only one with bipolar.
- I'll be a burden on whatever romantic partner takes me. (like I perceive my father to be on my mother)
- I should break up with my current partner because he deserves to be with someone healthy (although he's been a godsend these past two weeks, staying with him because he's a most excellent and deeply understanding caretaker in a crisis feels selfish)
- I'll be a burden on my friends
- One day I'll have to file for disability (like my father)
- Even if I find meds they'll stop working eventually
- Even if I find meds I'll have days where I am erratic, unpredictable, hypomanic, and depressed all at once
- Even with meds most of my days will be "bad" (like my father)
- Even when I dig my way out of this rapid cycling depressed episode, it'll inevitably happen again and I'll end up here again
- If I don't end up here again it'll be because.... well. It'll be a worse episode and at the end of it, I won't... be.
- I can't trust myself in the future not to end it, so I should do it now...? Wow that's fucked up logic there.
- No one (I know) who has bipolar is in a steady relationship or has a "career"- they all have day jobs they barely hold, or are unemployed.
So I feel ultimately that this dream I have- of becoming a great artist, of going back to get a masters for sustainable design or landscape architecture, and working at a high level in that field- of having a wide circle of friends and a close, tight, stable, healthy long-term relationship - of having children, maybe - of not needing hospitalization again....
This diagnosis is good because it helps me to find this subreddit, and to seek help, and to get the right kind of meds for how I'm feeling, and to read about it more and understand my emotions and my responses, and in turn to separate out the disease/disorder from my persona/identity.
This diagnosis sucks because I don't want my life dreams to crumble in my hands and it adds one more notch of fuel to the burning self-harm "you'll never be good enough, you're a burden to others" fire.
So.
How to cope? Any good examples to the contrary of the worries I listed above?
Much love to you all. Nobakot888.
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self.bipolar
|
DAE feel like they’re unable make decisions because they feel permanent? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want to die but have a 10 month old son It's not postpartum depression. Just circumstantial. My son's father is not involved at all. We weren't together, just worked at the same place. I fell hard really fast, ended up pregnant. Got in a fight over work things were he said I was useless, fucking stupid, no one there liked me. That's the last time I saw him. I quit and walked out. He knew I was very late, possibly pregnant. I was to scared to take a test until couple weeks later. I texted him, he never replied. He left town. I eventually found him on Instagram and Twitter. He blocked me on Twitter and never responds to my Instagram messages. All I want is for him to say something. He has a girlfriend who he travels with. He's happy and in love. They're back here again, in the national park couple minutes from where I work/ where we met.
It's just not fair. I was 18 when I ended up pregnant. I cried mostly everyday of my pregnancy wishing I was dead. I didn't want this to be my life. I live in a conservative state, I didn't have friends, I didn't drive, i couldn't have an abortion. My mom would have never allowed me to.
I wonder if he ever feels bad about doing this to me. Probably not. I want to commit suicide in the hopes he'll somehow find out and know it was his fault. Maybe then he'll feel guilty.
I love my son so much and will eventually get some therapy to help me move on from this. I just needed to vent.
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self.depression
|
Started therapy, so irrationally angry right now. Anyone with some insight? Sorry on my phone please forgive the formatting. So I recently started therapy as in only 3 sessions so far. And most of our talk has centered on my seriously fucked up childhood. I mean I always knew in the back of my mind how messed up the crap I had to deal with was but I just decided numb was better than mad or sad which became my default emotion for the last 18 years or so. But ever since I've had to start really thinking about this crap I have just been so irrationally angry at everything. Anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Any idea how I can deal with it?
As always thanks for your time in atleast reading this even if you don't comment. Take care guys
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self.depression
|
Lonely yet hate socializing. Easily depressed even though I have a girlfriend. I'm lonely and depressed and whenever i try to do something about it by trying to socialize with people at work or other social events I find myself bored, irritated and almost prefer to be back home by myself. I can't stand small talk, i want conversation that's somewhat deep and intellectual. People around my age (mid 20s) just seem to always have conversations about menial crap i could care less about. Parties, hooking up with women, VERY immature humor and just overall seems boring to me. Can a person really be lonely and hate socializing but feel the desperate need for it?
I'm one of the lucky few of those who are lonely and depressed that does happen to have some family members and a girlfriend that cares. However, it doesn't seem to help. Since I don't have much of a social life and nothing of interest really happens because of it, i feel as if I have little of value to offer to family or my girlfriend to have them care enough about whats going on in my life. It just seems that my girlfriend stays because she knows that I will be loyal, either because of my personality or because she knows i don't have anyone else to literally go to, or perhaps pity. Because when we have conversations it just seems like a repeat every day since, like i said, i have nothing new of interest to share.
I was diagnosed with a panic attack / anxiety / depression disorder at 14 years old and take medication for it. It helps a lot but i feel its more just to suppress the symptoms. I no longer have panic attacks because of the pill but i think without it i'd almost push myself to commit suicide or at least go off the deep end mentally. I feel i'm always standing on that edge of insanity but i don't tip over because the pill acts as a safety rope, like its meant to. So the rest is up to me to deal with my depression.
I literally have 0 friends. I get no texts or social media notifications from anyone every single day. It kinda hurts when you see everyone else laughing and texting and talking with others at work over their phones or with each other. It shows there's people that enjoy their company and think of them enough to want to talk and have a good time, where as with me there isn't anyone. My girlfriend messages me to say good mornign or goodnight or to see what i'm doing but nothing more than that.
I could go on and on but i'm sure most who relate can understand to some point. Even as i'm writing this out you may notice that my thoughts seem to jump from one to another and may even make not logical connection sometimes. Just lost and confused and tired of hearing the old "things will eventually get better" because as a logical person i know the universe we live in and the life we live is nto always fair. It doesn't cater to us, that sometimes people are dealt a short stick and that's just the way it is and there's nothing to change it. We live to suffer only to die at the end of it all. So why not cut the suffering trip short and get to the end faster.
What is the trick to being happy as a severe introverted personality along with major character flaws due to my disorder. Especially in this day and age its so easy for others to make friends and connect that they can easily pick and choose adn if you have even an ounce of negativity in your life that may trickle a bit into theirs they don't want to help ro deal with it, they rather just leave you in the dust to deal or cope with yourself so they odn't feel responsible.
I don't know what i'm asking for by posting here, if i'm asking for advice or just venting but i need help and something needs to change. Again i haven't gone into deep detail of how deep the problems run with this battle.
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self.depression
|
I hate greeting cards. They are the worst thing in the world People just go around and fill out greeting cards with such ease and comfort. Me? I just stare at them and think Do I really care? Does the person really care receiving them?
I'm jealous of people who are able to just buy greeting cards and write some crap. It feels so empty whenever I do it like the person receiving it knows I had difficulty and now they just accept it to be nice and avoid rejecting me. I feel so pathetic and shitty that something so simple gives me such problems and anxiety. I hate myself for this stupid crap.
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self.depression
|
I don't know if im depressed Alright so i think im depressed but im not sure. for the last three years basically ive felt absolutely no happiness, hell any emotion except sad, there was however a time i did but that was due to a relationship im no longer in, i have absolutely zero motivation to do anything ever, i find no joy in anything i do and as a result do nothing of value throughout my day and then feel like a piece of shit when my day ends, i even have the irregular suicidal thought and have gotten the means to do it in front of me but never followed through with it. so simply put i feel as if im depressed but i don't want to book a gp appointment because i feel as if id get told i won't be
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self.depression
|
First time taking Lamotrigine/questions I have bipolar (not sure which type yet/newly diagnosed) and I have been cycling rapidly lately. I just started taking lamotrigine and I feel like it made my depression and anxiety worse on the second day of taking 25mg. I'm not sure if this is just my mood swings or if it's the medicine.
Anyone else have experience with this medication? Ultimately, I'm going to ask my doctor when I go back soon. Just curious and impatient I suppose.
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self.bipolar
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What's the fucking point? I'm just some dumb fucking tranny so my death wouldn't mean shit but another statistic. I relapsed for the first time fucking forever. My meds are fucked I'm a month out from seeing my doctor to get them fixed I see my therapist soon but he can't prescribe shit. My mom tells me she loves me but I can't talk to her cause I'll dissapoint her. It'd break her heart to say "I want to fucking die and splice my arms open". I'm not going to cause more issues for anyone else. I can't start hormones even with my moms support because we have to do it so secretly and if I wait until I'm legally an adult waiting that long for hormones I don't want to be seen as some tranny fag dude I want to pass I never want to have to hear me be referred to female again I want to live as my authentic self it's horrible not being able to live as who I fucking am and have to live as a subset I just want to be normal I wish my brain was normal I wish I had friends I don't even have anyone to fucking talk to except to nobody on a forum I'm just so Fucking pathetic. Fuck
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self.depression
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How do you tell your partner that you’re having suicidal thoughts? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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547 days since my suicide attempt and I'm so happy to be alive. 547 days ago I had never felt so hopeless.
It's been a long and shitty road with a lot of ups and downs since then, but so much has changed.
I got a good job.
I met my best friend.
I found the most amazing, unique and special girl who feels as happy to be with me as I do to be with her.
I traveled to some incredible places and had some incredible experiences.
I'm studying from home to catch up on the education my depression denied me.
In the new year I'll be starting my PPL, the first step toward my life-long goal of being paid to fly. It's a path that will probably be paved with a lot of sacrifice and debt, but I've realized how incredibly important it is for me to pursue what I'm passionate about, and I'm so lucky to have people who support me.
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self.offmychest
|
Long time reader, first time poster Well guess I'll start off by saying that it's going to be a long one folks. Mostly a rant on how I'm feeling and how fucked I feel sometimes. I've read hundreds maybe thousands of these posts and have seen similar situations all the time but I'm hoping that writing it all out will help. I have a few people that I confide in but I feel like a burden for constantly reaching out to them about the same problems every damn time. So I guess to start off I'll say that at one point in my life I felt like I had it all on track. Was having the kind of life I really, really wanted for myself ever since I was a kid thinking of a future. I had the decent job that would some day become a career with some hard work. Had the girl that made me smile from ear to ear with some occasional fighting but we all know that happens. Had finally moved out and everything was going great till something in me(it's me, I'm not stupid, just feels easier to blame "something" rather than yourself) broke. I started acting like a jackass to my fiance and caused even more fights. I moved up at work and made it to the manager level so I had added an extreme amount of stress to my workload and would bring it home with me. Eventually I started going out to hang out with my "friends" who had never really gotten along with my ex and had let them fill my head with what they thought and it had started to pop into my head that maybe, just maybe they were right. Things started to break down between us and we looked for help, had a great counselor lined up and everything. Then I decided to fuck it all up again and not put in the work for us. All the things the counselor said make perfect sense now, 2 years later, but back then I wasn't having it. There was no way I was the problem right? Fucking wrong. Now fast forward to the present and I see that period of my life as some of the best times I've ever had. Can't seem to do anything at all without remembering how happy I was and how stupid I was for not working on it. I was told by everyone that "moving on takes time" and from my friends "get under another girl to get over her". Now I've got a great girlfriend but I can't appreciate her completely because I'm still so fucking stuck in the past. I hear a song, or talk to a person, or see something and I'm taken back to that happy place, leaving nothing but emptiness in my mind. And now I know I should be talking to someone professional but I just tuck it all inside instead. Venting when I really feel like exploding but keeping the rest to myself. Helping everyone I know with a fake smile on my face. Kinda scary how well some of us can fake emotions when we have to do it daily. So now I dread going to sleep as I have dreams about some version of a "perfect" life I missed out on and when I'm awake I get pulled into these fits of depression that take longer and longer to get out of, just feel so fucking worthless sometimes. Well rant over, I'll probably be back and thanks to those who actually made it through this, and sorry it was all over the place.
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self.depression
|
I hate my autistic friend. Okay, maybe hate is a bit strong, it would be much simpler if I simply hated him, I would tell him to fuck off and that would be the end of it.
The thing is, I actually do care about him, I'm not sure if it's because I want to avoid any responsibility when it comes to him not feeling well in order to spare my own conscience, or if I actually want to avoid him getting hurt.
I matter to him way more than he matters to me, we haven't talked much but he already considers me one of his closest friends, I ignore his messages and answer him days later but whenever I message him he always responds within seconds.
He's very overweight and suffers from Binge Eating Disorder, which is something he told me when we first talked, apparently he doesn't feel the need to eat much when I'm around... I feel really guilty when I don't want to talk to him.
He's kind of awkward in that "nice guy" way, in the sense that he tries to flirt with me in what he believes is a subtle manner, I've told him before that I only like him platonically, several times.
I always groan in frustration whenever he messages me but I don't want him to stop because I feel like I'm one of the only good things in his life, which is even shittier considering the only person he believes to be his friend doesn't care much.
I feel really guilty when I have those feelings, I don't have the heart to tell him he's bothering me, but I feel like I'm leading him on when I say I enjoy talking to him. I come up with excuses for not answering him instead of telling him that he bothers me, out of cowardice and a will to spare his feelings.
In the end it doesn't really matter to me, if we stop talking, and it feels wrong to feel that way about someone who values you as their dearest friend.
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self.offmychest
|
there is nothing to fear but fear itself - 2018 I am creating a documentary/short film about Anxiety and how we struggle. I am going to be interviewing people and asking them questions about their struggle with Anxiety. Please private message me so I can ask you questions and you can answer them. Thank you.
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self.Anxiety
|
Can i avoid poverty? Unfortunately i don't have a very good education. And can't get that easy a good one. So how do i avoid poverty, because i don't want to live in poverty all my life. And die in poverty. Is it necessery to go to an university and study if you don't want to get a low paying job? Because if belive that i am too dumb for such an thing. Because i dropped out of school because of an ilness so i have no real education. The only job available therefore are unskilled work i think, and such jobs doesn't pay well. Am i in a hopeless situation? sometimes i think about to just kill myself, dont want to live in poverty all my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can't get any good news from anywhere I lost my business and started all over. I owe taxes left and right, owe the IRS over 200k, credit is shot, savings are depleted, and rebuilding just is not working. Anything I am currently touching is nothing but bad news. Went into business with my dad and even that is losing money left and right to the point where I just don't know what to do anymore. I generally dislike waking up in the mornings. I have 0 minutes of non anxiety during the day. The only happiness I have is my kids but I see myself as a failure to them. I've never had suicidal thoughts but lately I've caught myself hoping some drunk driver would plow into me on the way home so my wife and kids get the insurance money and can buy a house and be set.
I've never looked into or thought depression/anxiety medication was an option but all of my problems are related to money and I just don't know how to climb out of it. Never really posted here but maybe venting will help?
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self.depression
|
Feeling Dread About My First Job Hey everyone. So I'm an 18M who recently graduated from High School in June of this year. I have ADD and Social Anxiety if that matters at all. Until recently I have been unemployed but I just got my first job. It's at a grocery store as a general clerk. I start my actual training tomorrow and I'm feeling really bad about the whole thing. I'm so used to attending school and the idea of working for so many hours of the day seems terrible. I also know I need to go to post secondary but I haven't found a course I am at all interested in. It's also that I just hate the whole idea of being forced to choose something. What should I do to feel less anxious and bad in general about my first job? And how do I deal with the reality of working for the rest of my life and the pressure of finding something I like?
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self.Anxiety
|
Gets More Enticing Everyday It's 1:30 AM on a Friday morning. I have work in seven hours, and I'm sitting here naked in my living room drinking a tall boy listening to bad pop music. All I can think about is whether the fall from my 4th floor will kill me (it probably won't and I can't fit through the windows anyway).
I'm 23 years old.
I have a relatively solid paying job that I'm good at.
I have a college degree.
I live in a major city surrounded by young people.
Yet I've never been more unhappy.
I like to think it's a generational or societal problem but at this point it's probably just me. My friends are abandoning me in drove s. When I do see them, they don't want to do anything adventurous or exciting. I spend most weekends either alone or with my friends at a pub where everyone stares at their phones. People barrage me with complaints, needing advice etc. yet are conveniently busy when I need help.
I try to meet friends at work and just get blank stares. Half of my office are people my age who have never left their state and still date their boyfriends from high school. The other half are in their mid 30s/40s and have no interest in doing anything. I joined a sports league to meet people. I took a foreign language class to meet people. I go to bars alone, social events alone, try to talk to people, use dating apps, use meetup.com- and all I get is the same slack jawed response of everyone staring at their phone the whole night or not wanting to do anything.
Occams razor dictates it's me. So I've just accepted I'm a fuck up and there's not much of a point in going on. I came into college a loser. And in many ways I still am; but I did what you're supposed to do. I got a fresh haircut. I got new clothes. I learned how to hold a conversation and not make an ass of myself drinking. I have a genuine varied interest in sports, politics, history, literature, and the world around me. I brush my teeth and use deodorant. I regularly go out of my comfort zone to meet new people. I love meeting new people.
Yet for some reason I am so goddamn alone. And I don't think any amount of socialization or deodorant or what have you can fix it. I'm off putting. I'm awkward. I'm an asshole. I'm bad. I'm worthless.
My parents and my older cousins tell me it's natural to be this miserable after college. If that's the case, I honestly don't see a point in living. If the rest of my life is convincing myself that I'm happy watching the Big Bang Theory, eating at Applebees on Saturday nights, and having no friends than what's the goddamn point anyway.
If I had known I would have peaked in college, I would have just partied and fucked around the whole time. Glad to know I wasted four years going to class instead of savoring my last few chances at being happy.
If you're not born popular you're behind. If you're not popular or happy by 20. Off yourself. Because it's all downhill from there. Life's a race and I'm so far behind it's time to put down the controller and throw a temper tantrum. If I wasn't such a coward I'd be dead by now
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Clonazepam (klonopin) instructions seem to contradict itself... i'm a little anxious about withdrawal So I've recently been prescribed .5mg Klonopin and it's been life changing and I'm very happy with it. The instructions says that I can take it 3 times a day as needed. Reading more online about it, websites seem to state that Klonopin is easily addictive and stopping the drug suddenly can cause severe withdrawals and, if abused, death.
So now what does that mean...? I don't think I need it all the time. I'm on Lexapro too. So what if I go a couple days without taking Klonopin? Will I go into withdrawal?
I mostly take it once a day. In the last couple of days, I have been taking 2 to 3 because of scary environmental changes. Now I am at home without too many stressors so I don't think I'll be taking when I'm not exposed to scary/stressful situations. Is that bad? I'm confused and I don't want to be taking the drug the wrong way.
TL;DR: Klonopin, what is it and how to I make sure I don't get withdrawal
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self.Anxiety
|
I could have the best life, but my depression is keeping me from it. On the upside, I have an amazing girlfriend, a loving family, a good household, a car, good friends and a band that just had their first practice and already sound amazing.
But on the downside, since my cousin died after getting hit by a car, I have gotten extreme paranoia and anxiety(even worse than before) and got depression back in a sense that I have completely stopped going to college without my mom knowing and I am either going to like to her about my grades or run away/kill myself first. Because school is all she cares about but all I know is that work brings me enough grief and stress (despite the fact that it's an easy job. Just makes me feel like I've hit my dead end at 19.) and other things are enough to distract me and keep me living. I want to do youtube and stuff and ive started my channel and my friends loce my stuff but i cant bring myself to make videos knowing no one else will care about them. And I'm just so sad for no reason.
I could have the best life, but this life is killing me.
Edit: I hate being a happy depressed people. I see other people with lives worse than me that are happy with their lives and envy them that they can be happy about it. I don't know why I'm so sad.
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self.depression
|
Feeling sad and defeated My brother was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1. He’s kind of ran his life into the ground, including not having a car or place to live. His wife kicked him out. They have 3 kids.
Currently he’s refusing to take meds, and he’s self-medicating.
Today I was helping my SIL out, and he stopped by. I had my 6-month-old son with me.
My bro was seemingly unstable. He was banging things around and sighing loudly and talking to himself, and he wouldn’t talk to me.
Anyway, I was not comfortable. I’ve seen him flip his shit — like yelling rage/scary/abusive stuff.
As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t feel safe having my son around him.
I hate that I feel this way and am having a hard time with it. I guess I’m just seeking some support/advice.
This all hurts my heart.
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self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else have body shakes/vibrations all the time? Even when you’re not anxious
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self.Anxiety
|
Facebook is killing me but I can't let go I deactivated my facebook account over a week ago. I think I've logged in at least once a day so far to see what's going on. Why? Fuck knows. It's so damaging to me, I know it is yet I can't let it go completely. And people are still sending me messages on there?? How sad that the default way to communicate nowadays is fucking facebook. And every time I attempt to deactivate it, it gives me 'solutions' to every single reason I select. AAAGHHHH. Fuck off. This is purely an offloading post. I'm done with facebook yet at the same time I've got so many pictures and articles saved.on my account that I don't want to lose. Jeez I just fucking hate today's society. I hate it.
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self.depression
|
So it’s stress.. So I went to a nurse practitioner who basically told me that my issues were between my poor diet and anxiety. While it feels good to know I’m not in danger I still need help calming down. I’m going to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist but is there anyway I can help myself now with small baby steps?
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self.Anxiety
|
Not being allowed time to calm down from anxiety attack, and caregiving literally gives me anxiety **"Not being allowed time to calm down from an anxiety attack":** my mom got mad at me yesterday that was definitely not my fault. So of course I was all worked-up emotionally. But before I could go to my room for a few minutes and calm down, she asked me to do something else related to the thing she'd blamed me for. I thought I was gonna be okay to do it but no, cause I was still shaky. So I asked for time to go calm down and she kept saying no (and actually put her hand up to block the doorway to keep me from leaving the room!) until I got frantic and begged her and my voice got all high where she'd be able to say I was "screaming" at her. I'm pretty sure she blames me for ALL of it now,
**"caregiving gives me anxiety":** my mother is a high strung person caring for her own high strung mother. My parents want me to do caregiving for grandma too, but I don't want to. But their insistence and their own high strungness gives me anxiety about the whole situation altogether and now I'm starting to low-key freak out whenever I'm asked to do something to help caregive.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My family doesn't understand the concept of saving money and always falls back on me to pick up the slack [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I need to die My friends and siblings are ok, I’m not
Please tell me I can kill myself
There’s no way out
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I'm gonna try to drink myself to death tonight I'm sick of trying to understand people and for them to understand me.
This is my fair well. I've spent so long trying to gain friends and none of them just do what I'd like them to and that fine and all because I know they would like me to do what they want but theyers not a too and frow in my life anb i can't take it any more. I think this is it! fuck you world! fuck you people fuock you god I hate it all and I want to die! I wish the americaa luck in it's goals what ever they may be. I wish whoever is reading this luck in their life and maybe what ever their goal is because I sure as hell can't figure it out. I'm quarter of a bottle in now and I plan to finish the rest so we'll see f it manages to finnishe me off. Peace out futher fuckers
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't want my life to end soon-TRIGGER WARNINGS I have been still focusing on the news that is going on sometimes, especially North Korea news and God knows if that situation became worse already or not.
I feel like shit for talking it out here because I sometimes beat dead horses. But I sense that something developed not from directly hearing about anything, but a little anecdotal "oh I believe war is more likely now that UN did their latest punishment" yeah.
I feel really angry at almighty G-d for being born in today's social and political climate as a present-day 20s aged guy who might never survive past 40 in such a volatile environment. But no, everyone close will un-sympathetically tell me "it's God's will" or "God will protect us" etc. (yeah right, but I hope I'm not in trouble since I put a trigger in the title).
I just wish I can articulate better.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why is it so loud? Why is it so loud in my head.? The voices keeps on repeating how much of a failure i am.
Why is it so loud? Why do keep on telling me to open my skin, why do keep on telling me that the wound is better than what i am feeling right now.
People try to tell me things, and it keeps on repeating on my head over and over again.
The blade keeps on winking at me everyday. The noose is calling me every night.
I dont want to wake up.
I do want to listen to their voices. I want silence.
Forever.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I convinced myself that the only way to win an attractive girl was to play games with her. I lost. This will be long, this will be a mess, this will be pathetic. But I need to write this all down somewhere so I can truly ram home for the final time just how insensitive and manipulative I've tried to be throughout. I let my insecurities from my 21 years of living manifest and come together. I don't even need people to read this or reply to it, but I just need to type it. It sucks enough that I played with and lost a girl that seemed into me, but writing this story out will only give me that true reminder of having to sort myself and my problems out for good.
---
Today I fucked up? The last few weeks I fucked up... the last few months, really.
---
So, this story starts with your good ol' cupid itself - Tinder. After using the app casually for a couple of years without trying and getting below average in regards to total matches, a really attractive girl messages me from nowhere. As I say, I use Tinder so casually it's silly - I never even message girls first out of a fear of rejection.
Nevertheless, me and this girl get talking quite casually, and after five messages, she references my silly bio of "lets try to send 5 messages before one of us inevitably blocks the other", and starts to joke around, asking why she hasn't been unmatched yet. Despite my slow replies - sometimes up to four days - things get pretty flirty from there, and she then asks me out for coffee because I'm "hot" supposedly - first I'd ever heard that, and from an incredibly attractive girl, too. I'm already overthinking at this stage.
**Major Fuck Up #1**
I tell her I'm busy for a month but that when I'm back in town I'd be happy to see her (in reality I was shitting bricks at somebody asking me out - cheers, social anxiety). Surprisingly, she says she'll wait for me and adds me on Facebook.
**Fuck Up #2**
When she adds me, I have the usual look at the person's profile. All seems cool, but I notice she's added a couple of guys along with me, which likely means she's dating other people. That's sucks because I'm already an introvert and hate competition, but she did nothing wrong, so I can't do anything about it but expect the worst and for her to cancel on me - mainly because I never get any female attention, and the other guys are hot. Me noticing this completely made my approach from this point in robotic. I needed a way to beat out the guys that were much more attractive than me, so I took the worst of all: indifference, and waiting for her to come to me every single time. As you'll see from here on in, it doesn't work well.
Anyhow, a rather casual conversation started after she added me, with us then not speaking for a good week or so. Despite this not being bad in itself - especially when she's waiting for me to give her confirmation of a date I'm available - it's something that hurts me big time as we go on.
A week or so later, I decide to go for it and tell her a date I'm free for in a couple weeks time. We agree, and things are set up. Again, I leave the conversation silent. After a week or so, she messages me to see how I'm doing, and we have a pleasant enough conversation that naturally dies out.
This is where the silences become excessive and essentially structured by me. Because she's likely dating other people, I don't want to put myself out there and message her all the time, only to be eventually shot down - so what I do is continue to hold back and wait for her to message me.
A few days after that she messages me and ramps up the flirting again for the first time since we spoke on Facebook, really. A few more days of silence follow, before the date itself arrives.
Despite my anxiety; my ideas of her not finding me attractive in person; my ideas of us not gelling; my ideas of her friendzoning me after the date, and everything else - it goes incredibly well. We go from coffee, to a pub for one pint, to a short walk outside. Five hours spent together, laughing, flirting, and having a lovely time, with the last part of the date spent with her making a move on me and us having a make out session for over an hour. Despite being hidden away a little, we were still in public. She starts to tell me how hot I am, talks dirty to me and tells me how turned on she is. You could see the lust in her - she couldn't stop staring into my eyes and kissing me. After getting all hot, she starts to squeeze my crotch. This turns into a handjob, which turns into a blowjob. She said she promised herself she wouldn't be so easy, but she was really into me and needed to go further.
**Fuck up Number 3**
I didn't cum. Okay, that part isn't really my fault. After all, I'm a kissless guy who spent years being bullied for my looks, yet suddenly, this beautiful girl is completely intoxicated by me and doing *this* in public. It completely renders me immobile. Instead of telling her I felt uncomfortable, I just made the situation awkward, and probably made her feel undesirable. I kept stopping her when I thought there was a person nearby, I kept making stupid comments like saying I was cold. I did everything bar just communicate properly. Think Simon's comments in that episode of The Inbetweeners where he's in bed with Tara - yeah, that bad. At least I didn't slap my penis, I guess. Anyway, eventually, I break things off rather abruptly and say I need to get my bus home. We kiss goodbye, too, so all seems okay.
**Fuck up number 4**
When I get home, I saw she sent me a message thanking me for a great time and talking about something we mentioned during the date. Also, it's a minor thing, but she also added kisses for the first time in our conversations. I told her I had a great time, too, but after receiving another message from her, I went offline for the rest of the evening. My first girlfriend years ago broke up with me for being smothering, so even though continuing a conversation with a girl I'd just got rather intense with would not be smothering in the slightest, I convince myself it is - not to mention that I bought into stupid mind games early on. With hot guys being added at the same time as me, I convinced myself that I'd only win her if I acted different. What was different in this case? Replying *after* she went offline 3 hours later. Well done, me.
When she woke up the next morning she replied drying to what I said, and didn't use kisses in the message (sure, I never reciprocated by replying with them myself, but I assume she was on a high when she got home which I screwed up by leaving her hanging). This time, the message wasn't open-ended, so I didn't reply, but I could have easily done so if I wanted to - such as asking about her day ahead, talking about something from our date more or *anything*. After all, I have now met this person and got physical with her after a wonderful night - I no longer need to play games, right? Well, I wish I told myself that at the time, but by this point I'd basically committed myself to acting indifferent. After all, it got me a wonderful date, didn't it? Yeah, that's what I told myself.
To follow through with this I decide to wait until 2 days after the date to ask her out again. Why? Again, me overthinking; me reading rubbish like making a girl wait will make her want you more, and stuff like that.
She agrees to a second date - although her messages now seem to have less enthusiasm. Then, two days before the date she cancels again due to a family trip. This seemed a bit dodgy, but I let it pass. An entire week passes before I decide to get in contact with her again. Turns out, she saw another guy a week after meeting me, and was going to see how it would go. Seemed a little rubbish to not tell me, but I can't complain after leaving her out to dry. I wish her luck, and say she knows how to contact me if she needs.
A week passes before things go wrong between them two. I don't know whether he did something wrong; pumped and dumped her; there was no real connection, or whatever, but it was abrupt, and I was the only guy left in the picture. Her Tinder was deleted, and she asked me out again.
At 5am the day before the date she messages me telling me she's sorry for cancelling again, but she was having a bad time with personal problems for the last week and needed space to be alone. I kind of gathered beforehand that she had some personal problems, and I felt for her. Either way, I did probably the only good thing that I did this whole time. I told her to take a couple of weeks to focus on feeling herself because mental health has to be a priority and I wanted her to feel herself if we met up again.
2 weeks later, she does message me, and we organise to meet up properly. We flirt around for a day, and for the first time I feel like my communication with her is good. I don't leave big gaps anymore between messages (yes, of course I tended to wait a specific amount of time before messaging back), and the conversation felt natural. Unfortunately, we then come to the most major of fuck ups.
**Major fuck up number 5**
The day after, we're talking again, and the following happens:
Me: "Looking forward to you buying the whole pillow store then ;)" (a joke referencing our first date)
Her: "I thought you were going to say something sweet like looking forward to seeing me again ;) clearly not, haha"
Me: "Eh, depends how the day goes. Right now, you're alright, I guess ;)"
Her: "haha wow you really know how to make a girl feel good"
Me: "Well I don't see much appreciation from your end either, young lady"
Her: "Always me that has to say something first"
Me: "Well I can't give you too much praise too soon ;)"
And that was that. One car-wreck of a few texts where I initially think she's still being flirty, before I go into complete self-destruct mode and make it worse. I bat aside her wanting a compliment, I patronise her by calling her "young lady", and I essentially tell her to earn her praise in my final message after she'd potentially opened up about talking through an issue she has with my communication. I realised it all about 30 minutes after it happened that my game I'd played this whole time out of insecurities had finally caught up with me, and it was probably done for.
After she ignored my last message, I sent her a casual apology for teasing her the morning after, and also sent a opener a few days after. Neither received a reply, and I haven't messaged her since. That was 3 weeks ago, and I regret it the more I think about it. She still has me on her friends list on Facebook, but that just makes it all of the worse because I cling to hope that she'll forgive my stupidity throughout. For four months we spoke, and I was only at my genuine self on the date itself. I limply liked one of her recent posts the other day, and that's the most I've tried in the last 3 weeks. I know it's done for now. Even if she messages me and I change my approach and be myself, she'll think that I'd only be acting that way because she got annoyed at me in the first place. To her, I as a person will be this disinterested, teasing player, when in reality I'm so insecure that I played games to try to win her. I thought that the only way she'd truly like my looks was if I put up a fake persona, but that finally seems to have run its course. After speaking since July, I finally hit that last nail with a silly 3 messages which probably completely summed up to her everything negative about me.
Who knows, maybe she just wasn't that into me, maybe she was stringing me along as a backup, but that's not the point. The point is, I played a four-month-long game and added layers to it throughout - thinking that *this* was the way to win a person over. This post is so long because I let all of my insecurities over my 21 years combine together for this one situation. The current situation sucks, and I wish I could do something about it, but it's the biggest of wake-up calls, and a lesson I had to learn: too bad that lesson is being carried out with a girl I was so in to, but that's my responsibility, and, Becky, I apologise for it.
|
self.offmychest
|
Anybody oversleep? I'm on mirtazipine and its a side effect, but these 12+ hour sleep days are really contributing to a cyclical problem. I have no energy and am demotivated. Honestly no idea if it's the pills or me, its making living very difficult though.
|
self.depression
|
How do you guys deal with loneliness? Going through a depressive episode now, and I'm lonely. I hate being by myself, and in my thoughts.
I have no choice but to be alone, as everyone either is busy, asleep, etc. and so I don't really have the resources to be around people.
Any advice would be appreciated, it hurts and sucks being lonely.
Thanks.
|
self.bipolar
|
My girlfriend has terrible anxiety. I need help with a new development in our lives. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
No energy I completely have no energy to do anything. I need energy though to do things that I need to do like cleaning, homework and grocery shopping. I am so bummed out not to mention I have three kids. Do you guys have any suggestions? I’ve been on a super depressed streak. Luckily I am no longer suicidal just depressed
|
self.bipolar
|
Thick thighs are pretty great but I wonder what it’s like to have skinny legs. I’d never try to get them cuz I’m too lazy to exercise but I just wonder. Sometimes I wish I was tinyier (idk how to spell that) with skinny legs.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm tired of trying I have a high survival threshold so realistically I will never be in danger of suicide - I'm too afraid of death. But I wish I wasn't. I wish I wasn't so inured to this pain, or that I was braver, so I could remove myself from this hell. I'm tired of trying. And I've tried for so very long. I'm so tired, it hurts to get up every day. It hurts in the large ways and the small ways. It hurts all the time. I am so tired.
I don't want to blame God for my existence but I do. I swear somewhere along the line there was a mix up. I wasn't supposed to be here but I am. I'm so tired. All I do is hurt people, waste time, effort, resources. I've never been worth anything my whole life. And I never will. I've already tried cutting off all my social contacts, and I know if I just took the money I had and traveled out the door no one would find me. I sometimes wish I had a less caring family, because then I'd have more reason to leave. But they care about me at the same time that they demand I be someone else and I'm just tired.
|
self.depression
|
Medication switch from Pristiq+Lamotrigene+Latuda to a MAOI?? I've tried all kinds of stuff... Tri-cyclics, SSRI, SNRI, current regimen in title. Lamotrigene+latuda has been rotated in and out with Wellbutrin, ability, and a few others.
Anyone given up on these modern miracles in exchange for the older tried but successful MAOI? I'm aware of the interactions of maoi with other stuff and the risks.
I am looking for anything that will work at this point.
ugh. depression SUCKS
|
self.depression
|
Why is it that I want to get out and do stuff but hate actually doing it? Like I can barely walk to my bus stop for school in the mornings. This shit is so damn irritating. There’s so much I want to do and want to say to friends, that I can’t just act like I’m okay about it anymore. It’s gotten so bad that instead of just progressively making my hand worse by punching stuff I’ve also recently just lost all appetite anytime I start to get hungry I feel like throwing up, anytime I eat I feel like throwing up. Not to mention the restlessness. Only get a couple hours of sleep per night nowadays. And I’m only 17yrs old. There’s clearly something wrong with me at this point.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Help me to stop hating on myself because of that. Please, reddit. *TL;DR* (But you should read the full story):
After three months of a great connection, without anything official, she just ditched me for someone else and in like a week they became together.
......................
I (21m) met someone (22f) three months ago.
The connection was great than ever, we had a lot in common, we hanged out for hours, we were together a lot, she gave the good signs of interests, the best ones.
We set a date two times and it got postponed that way because... Well, i don't really know.
The first time was legit, a family friend died that day.
But the second was her just acting weird, hours before and ghosting me.
And than back to normal saying sorry and SHE proposed another date for it and told me she's coming near my place. I guess it's ok, maybe something personal happened.
I asked about our date and of she still wants it at some point, she said she doesn't know because our distance (3hours drive) and It shouldn't bother her.
Hours later we were back to normal, from her side and mine.
Three months of this mixture of emotions and obsessions (from me) and dissapointments and expectations again, and on and on.
I asked for her direct answer about us a **week and a half ago.**
She said she just doesn't see it happening because we live 3 hours from each other and work is too much.
Two weeks ago someone (actually a good guy who works with me and had no idea, who has a gf so ignore him) asked her if she has anyone.
She said no.
He then asked if she wants him to "intreduce" her to someone.
She said yes. No hesitations at all.
A week later: They're together. A couple.
..................
I'm a depressive person. Obsessive compulsive personality disorder person.
When I realized about it I was having a "something" attack at work. Not panic, but something. Idk.
I was shaking. I wanted to cry. I wanted to stab someone. Kill myself finally.
I wanted to never meet anyone again.
I isolated myself for a few days at work.
I still don't know how to take it.
All I know is that I'm in a bad state.
I hate myself so much.
How shitty and lame should I be to become so... disposable?
Really? In a heartbeat you'd ditch everything and become a couple with someone who you met a week ago? Is place of residence everything for you?
He is not even that of a hot shot.
He's kinda "meh" who speaks like a nerd and buys a lot of gifts.
Friends try to convince me it's not my fault that it happened like that, that she was the idiot and unfair one.
But I don't believe it.
If you can make someone fall for you so much and get to be with someone else so fast just cus you want, maybe you're just... Good. Idk.
And from my side... If someone can keep you around to play with your emotions and kick you out without hesitation... Well, they only do it to lame people.
Please help me believe something else.
Get me out of this.
Just... Something.
I'm not looking left and right when crossing the street tommorow cus I seriously want a truck in my stupid fucking face.
|
self.depression
|
I 100% want to drop out of Uni When you're depressed and undiagnosed you're shitty, and can't even explain why you're shitty. You don't have the energy to do anything, you make a terrible student and by virtue of that make a terrible group partner. Well, guess who's a group partner 3 times this semester! It gets to the point where you just want to die. I don't think I'll ever be successful, ambitious, or as smart as I was in high school. I need to tell someone but I don't have the strength. Please help me. I know I don't belong here, I'm just here for society and my parents.
|
self.depression
|
I have a lot of options for my future, but now that I can see them, I feel too old to really do them [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
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