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Socially I Just Feel Broken On A Fundamental Level. Anyone Else Feel The Same? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Somebody PLEASE tell me how to get out of my head. I can’t take it anymore. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don't know how I feel about the girl I'm seeing. I've been on a few kinda dates with this girl (like we agreed not to throw labels around, but they are clearly dates) , and I've never been happier, but I don't know how I actually feel about her.
I like her, I'm attracted to her, and when I'm around her I'm happier than I can remember being, but there isn't that spark. It's confusing.
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self.offmychest
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When is enough...enough Using my throw away but not sure why. I’m just at the point of life where I don’t see a future for myself and I feel I’m too damn old to be at this point.
Some points about me:
Mid 30/ still living at home with my parents and have been for about 11 years now.
I’m overweight but don’t have time to go to the gym right now because I’m in school getting my bachelors. Which deciding to go back to school has put me in massive debt. So I’m stressing about that.
I left a stable job at a stable company with good progression because I wasn’t happy there. Took a job with a family friend for more money but it didn’t last, so I took a job just to make ends meet making a lot less money. I do kind of like what I’m doing now and my team is good and my boss is awesome. But honestly I️ don’t see a future there as I️ rarely have work to do and my boss seems to trust everyone but me.
I have very low confidence when it comes to approaching women and talking to them. I don’t know how to do that and severely fear the rejection. So I just don’t know.
I’m now at the point in my life where I’m like screw it. I’m just going to be alone and have no idea what I’m doing with myself. I’ll just stay single and hopefully find a path for myself.
TL:DR - I️ suck.
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self.depression
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i'm going to die of a broken heart I'm a 45 year old single man. I have never been lucky in love, and I have very few friends. The only joy in my life has been my 11 year old niece, who I have loved and helped raise as though she were my own child. Unfortuntely, my brother and his wife have split up in a messy divorce, his ex-wife has cut off contact with me, and I am no longer allowed to see my niece. She was the only person in the world that I truly loved and who loved me back unconditionally, and I don't really see any way to move on. There is nothing else in my life but work and debt and lonliness. I am going to take out an extra life insurance policy with her as the beneficiary, then maybe I'll start drinking pork fat and smoking 4 packs a day..
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's my birthday today. Going to be another pathetic day.
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self.depression
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Today is a good day Guys, I got out of bed and went to a lecture. I think I can do it. But it's just a matter of time until it comes for me again. So I have to do the best out of it as long as I work. It can come at any time, wish me luck.
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self.depression
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Talking to people about your (or just in general) mental illness. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I'll be gone, it's only a matter of time I'm gonna type this down in case I kill myself during the upcoming days. This is my fucking sob story.
A couple of years ago I stopped sleeping altogether. I couldn't study or work. I saw the school psychologist. Then another. Then a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with severe long-term depression.
I followed the psychiatrist's recommendation and saw a therapist. I got some bad vibes in the beginning, but it was my very first time and I didn't know better. I was put on medication too, which brought some complications. I cried a lot. I went to work since nothing came out of my studies, in order to support myself. I couldn't tell my boss I was seeing a therapist as I was afraid they'd try getting rid of me and thus my source of income. They kept increasing my working hours, although I expressed my inability to add them to my schedule. But according to my job contract, they had the right to do so. My therapist was a busy one. There was only one slot and I had to take it or leave it. Rescheduling was out of question, and the contract had already been signed.
I had to stay at work, my shifts were really mixed. I couldn't always see my therapist. After a year our contract was over and she said she can't say anything about my depression because I didn't attend enough sessions. She was unable to connect with me, but in her report she wrote I should be given the chance to attend further therapy in case I want to do so. I couldn't meet my psychiatrist anymore either since I dropped out of university, as the psychiatrist appointments are intended for students only.
I quit the job (customer service, lots of people screaming at me over the phone) and have been looking for a job in my own field since, something I'd actually look forward to doing. For the first months I mainly sat home though, anxious about everything. Pretending to be functional, that's the side everyone's seeing. And frankly on some days I do feel quite alright, until everything crashes again. Earlier I'd quit using social media. Some classmates sent a message asking how I'm doing. I told them my depression has taken a turn for the worse. I haven't heard about them since.
I've barely had energy for anything. Getting out of my home or doing chores. Usually I try to do something, just anything. Personal hygiene feels like a small victory, although I don't really look after the way I look, like using make-up. I'm so tired all the time. I tried eating healthier. I've taken vitamin supplements. Had my blood tests taken (no abnormalities). Tested for thyroid issues, nothing. Saw a sleep specialist due to sleeping issues, as I'm fluctuating between sleeping too little or sleeping too much. I could be tested for sleep apnea since it can't be ruled out, but the tests just cost too much. I don't have any savings anymore and my health insurance doesn't cover anything like that.
I've always managed to surround myself with people who are borderline sociopaths or contact me only when they need something. My help or if they want to borrow something. Sometimes it feels like they contact me out of pity, who knows. They seem genuinely interested for a moment, but not so much as to hang out with me. At one point I was suggesting various things. Going to movies. Going to museums. Going to concerts. Restaurants. Coffee. I'd offer to cook for them. Watch movies at my place. But no one has the money. No one has the time. And everybody has someone else to go with. Someone else to spend time with. I don't ask them all the time as I don't want to come across as creepy or desperate which'd make them feel awkward.
I've approached people in various ways. I'm curious about most people and want to get to know them. All I'm left with is this general feeling that nobody simply values friendships anymore. They're irrelevant. One of my long-time friends has autism. We used to chat almost every day. He found a new video game recently and people to play with, haven't really heard of him since. My family doesn't really care about what I do. They live in a different city and they have their jobs and worries and fights and disagreements to attend to. My long-time friend, a girl I grew up with, started to refer to me as an ex-friend a couple of years ago, despite the fact I'd always take the time off studies and work to travel and meet up with her in our home town. I eventually confronted her about it all, and she simply stated she wasn't interested in friendship between us anymore.
I befriended a guy online a bit over a year ago. My age, living in a different country. We'd shoot messages to one another. Keep each other company and crack stupid jokes. It didn't matter to me that he was a guy, I felt we got along most of the time. I honestly feel like ever since I was bullied by a bunch of girls around the ages of 10 to 13 it's been easier to socialize with guys, anyway. We kept messaging almost daily. I kept messaging him and asking how he's doing when he was going through a breakup and feeling suicidal. Then the messaging got one-sided. A couple months later he gets aggressive in his messages and tells me to fuck off. I really don't know if I should send him a message asking how he is now if I make him feel miserable just by talking to him.
It sounds like a fucking cliche but I'm truly happy only when sleep brings me some kind of a release. My dreams consist mostly of nightmares, but at least I can wake up and realize it wasn't real. My bouts of depression are getting more violent. I hadn't cut myself in almost a decade but today I did it again as I'm tired of the constant crying for hours and it the pain temporarily lifts as I pull out the blade from my skin.
I'm not good enough for this society. I'm pansexual, possibly polyamorous, geeky and generally too weird. Tomboyish and not pretty. Always too clingy, too cold, too ugly or too smart or stupid. I bite my nails. I look tired. I'm too depressed, people can sense it even if I kept it a secret. The only times other people have been interested in me is when they've been seeking for a romantic relationship or to take advantage of me. It always results in a break-up or heartache or me telling them I'm not interested in anything else but friendship. And then they all go away.
I can only afford going to the gym. People insist exercise makes you feel better, but for me it really doesn't. I can't immerse myself in myself. I have no actual interest in myself. I don't dream of becoming a professional in anything anymore, I'm almost 30 and have one degree. I don't want to become skinny or fit or good in something just so I can go being lonely and weird again. I used to be passionate about several things but it's all gone now. I'm just an empty husk.
The only reason I get out of my bed is my boyfriend, who's an angel sent to look after me. I'm so lucky to have found a person with who I feel appreciated. We'e been together for five years now. For the first time I feel loved. He sees my depression and doesn't flinch away. He cracks another silly joke and makes me laugh through my tears. He lives in another city because of work, though. I've had to stay in mine due to studies and work, we see each other on weekends. I sometimes honestly don't know why and how he manages to put up with me. I've looked into jobs in his city, but no luck so far. I'm also afraid he'd catch my depression and he'd stop being his happy and awesome self. That'd be the worst and I would have destroyed the last thing that keeps me here.
The universe is holding its breath and waiting for me to die. I just don't know how to say goodbye.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know what is going on with me Hey guys, I am very confused right now and don't know how to feel about myself. But I know I am empty and sad inside, even though it might not seem like it from outside.
I am 22, never been in relationship, never kissed a girl. I didn't care about that in past but since about 2-3 years ago something changed and I started to feel really alone. I know I have my family, which seem to love me, but I just...don't feel it...I can't really explain it...
Nothing changed since those 2-3 years in terms in relationships, even though I lost weight and stopped some bad habits (like biting my nails) and got job. I tried approaching girls (like irl) and now I tried online dating (Tinder, Badoo and some other local websites). Nothing worked. All I got was rejection. With online dating, I got mostly ignored or ghosted after few sentences or even days. I lowered my bars to the bottom and still even girls which are not physically appealing to me don't like me or answer me.
Weird thing is, that I don't have problem with people, like at work or my friends, it seems they don't feel about me like some weird guy. I don't know what is wrong with me, if I am just plain ugly or really boring person.
It's really uncomfortable for me to see my family and friends only on weekend, because I am all alone at my small flat during the week (because of work, which is far from my home). Since there is not much to do, because it's in fucking end of world, I spend time thinking about things and then it gets even worse, I get really bad mood and feel like just lying in bed or sometimes think about things like suicide...
I just need someone to love me. I would love to have someone at home, when I come after work, someone I can spend my free time. I need some physical contact, cuddling and someone to tell my things which worries me. I was already thinking about some escort, to just get some physical contact or more.
Now I am just lying in bed, crying because of all of this. I feel like a weak person.
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self.depression
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I decided to take a different route home and ended up in a serious car accident I’m 21 and I was t-boned by a guy who ran a red light at 60 mph and my car went airborne and rolled. Thankfully I made it out without broken bones or a concussion. 8 months later I still don’t have a car and I have back and neck problems. They aren’t painful, but it is kind of scaring me because I’m afraid they will never go away. I don’t have a car still and half of my paycheck is spent on Uber. I’m trying to save up to move out of my parents house because of my emotionally abusive father. I sometimes wish I was killed in the accident. I feel like a total loser and I wish I wasn’t driving that day.
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self.depression
|
starting meds again, Latuda and Gapapentine after years of being against meds I have come around after a rough six months and I'm doing medication again. I feel happy and nervous.
I'm taking Latuda at lunch, Gapapentine 300mg at night for 3 days then on the fourth day take it morning and night every day.
Anyone familiar with those meds?
Nervous because I am scared or side effects and the strange ride of trying meds. A little sad because I feel like taking medication is like saying,"my natural self, my natural personality and way of feeling and thinking is too much."
Ultimately though I am happy because rather than wallowing in my sadness and anxiety I am working towards being better and doing the best I can in the name of wellness.
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self.bipolar
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Don’t want to do it anymore I just don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to go about the days anymore. It feels like the last couple of years had been one never ending day. It’s exhausting. I just want it to be over.
I’m just sad man.
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self.depression
|
suicidal. Please read. i already posted this on r/depression but nobody responded.
i cried today in therapy because I was thinking that the only thing that's keeping me alive is my dog, close family members and my boyfriend. I don't want to make them suffer, ever. All I want to do is overdose and drink a shit ton of alcohol and just die already, I see no future for myself and life will never be good again. I'm on Paxil, Lexapro, Seroquel and Lamictal.
The only good moments are with my boyfriend, I need him more than anything right now and I don't want him to abandon me because I'm such a mess.
I don't see any point in living. Life's not treating me that bad but I just don't see why I should exist, I just want to disappear because everything is so mundane and blurry, just, white noise.
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self.SuicideWatch
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im even fucked for therapy yay today i finally had a 15 minute phone consult with a therapist. For the first time in months, I was honestly excited to be talking to someone. I wanted to lay out my problems and have someone give me guidance.
the thing is, in college when i called our counseling services they asked me a bunch of questions about my background and stuff and i did feel like i opened up and had a productive explanation of my depression and what i was looking for.
but i guess maybe thats just college therapists. when i called this office today, there weren't any questions. she basically asked "what can we do for you" and for some reason i had no fucking idea what to say. she kinda explained their services and it turns out they have a 200$ intake session to start out with, and THATS where they actually ask you specific questions to get you to open up and get your background and stuff.
As a result the convo felt super awkward. my massive social anxiety and brain fog didn't help lol. i basically asked a few random questions and she answered and then i was like "cool thanks" and the call ended.
seems like therapy is gonna be off to a great start.
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self.depression
|
I hate myself I don't even know where to start. I have good friends, I know my family loves me. I've had it pretty easy in life so there's no reason I should feel depressed everyone tells me.
I do though, every morning i wonder why i should even get up. Whats the point? I'm a sad lonely miserable fucker who is for some unknown reason hung up on a woman who will NEVER reciprocate. I know it, she knows it and a few people that I bitch to about this know it. What's worse is that I met someone recently. She's sweet, funny, cute, awesome to talk to and I like her a lot. However recently I got in a bad spot mentally again and for some stupid reason I spilled it all to her. You can imagine how that turns out, she confessed she did like me in a way that could be more than friends but once she found out I was hung up on another girl that yeah, not anymore. So I finally meet someone new who actually showed interest in me and my stupid ass pushes her away.
It's like I'm destined to be perpetually fucked that's not the first time this has happened to me I feel like I'm constantly sabotaging myself and my happiness without thinking about it by bringing up shit that doesn't matter anymore to people I shouldn't be.
I just don't know what to do anymore I feel so lonely and unwanted. I feel like if I died tomorrow nobody would give a shit except my mom and even if she did she'd get over it soon anyway.
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self.depression
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I got hit by a car yesterday. As the title states, some lady hit me with her car yesterday. Managed to walk away with a scratch and sprung wrist. Was thankful that I survived but now, I'm starting to wonder would it have been so bad had I not.
I feel like I'm a burden to everyone, especially my boyfriend. The only thing that keeps me from suicide is the fear of God. That's probably the only reason.
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self.offmychest
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A poetic description of depression Husband was talking about depression, (luckily he has never suffered from it) and was sympathizing and mentioned how hard it must be to suffer and only be able to enjoy happiness in small amounts before it's taken from you. And I gave him a response that surprised even me I told him depression makes you feel like you are trapped deep underwater and everyone around you is living their life on land. They all get to run around dancing, smiling and enjoying life under the Sun and enjoy being alive. But then there are some of us that are stuck underwater where no one can see us and the only time we get a break from feeling like we're drowning is when a single straw will descend and give us just a breath of air. and we want to hold on to that straw as much as possible, but sometimes we just can't as much as we want to. And we want to go join the rest of the world that's not underwater, but we're suffocating. And without the our air, we aren't string enough to break through the surface. Sometimes we need someone to extend a straw out to us to give us enough air to be able to pull ourselves out of our pools, because it's not always our choice to be there. Many times we end up drowning in pools other people or just unfortunate circumstances puts us in. And too often people are ignorant to how deep depression can drown you. They think that by telling you to breathe, that it just goes away. But they can't see how difficult it is to do that when you are deep underwater.
I know it's cheesy, bit I guess I felt like I should share. Down vote me to Oblivion if you're gonna
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self.depression
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Felt good to finally tell her how I felt about her manager and have other people back me up on it My SO has some pretty social coworkers and from time to time, they all go out, even the higher ups.
Last year, at this 90s throwback show, I was out with her, her brothers, and her friends. At this point, we weren't really a thing yet. Then a manager and a boss of hers show up, lets call the younger manager Craig and the older guy boss Keith. Everything was fine up until towards the end of the show. She was dancing close to the stage with her friends when both those managers walk by. They tried to keep dancing with her and her friends. At one point, Keith grabs my SO by the hands and tries to kiss her hand. She pulls away and just walks away. I almost went over there, but it looked like she handled it and plus, he's like a higher up boss of hers. Anyways, since that night, I've always had my reservations about the little guy.
Yesterday, we did this running event. I did a 2-person half marathon relay and she did a 4-person relay with her coworker/friend and two of her bosses, one of them being Keith. After the event she hung out with them and I just went to go hang with her brothers. Later that night, we pick up her and her friend from her friend's house. Her friend was somewhat drunk and she started talking about the two bosses and how creepy they were. On the way back home, I told my SO "I'm so glad she thinks they're creepy because I've always felt that way about the little guy (Keith)." Then she asked me why I felt that way and I told her ever since that night he tried to kiss her hand. She said she didn't remember it, but her brothers said they remember seeing that happen.
I've spoken to her about this once before, but she kind of just brushed it off as just me and my overthinking. It feels good to have some other provide back up and have one of her closest friends even say that they were creepy. I just hope she knows now they they're not "just being nice".
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self.offmychest
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Six Years and it's Only Gotten Worse. I don't even know where to start with this. Maybe the title, I guess. It should be self-explanatory, but I have to start with something.
So. I'm 18 years old, have a great family, parents never divorced, they were never abusive or negligent, made a lot of friends in high school. I work for one of the best companies in its field in Phoenix, my boss likes me. I've never had money issues as far as I can remember, I'm a smart kid, all the good stuff.
But I can't remember what it feels like, to feel.
A little over six years ago (in May of 2011), I was a scrawny little 11-year-old who just finished 6th grade. At the time, I had a lot of anger issues, and a lot of kids in elementary school picked on me because of it (they eventually stopped when they realized that having a chair or desk thrown at their head wasn't fun). I had a cousin from out of state, and she was my best friend at the time. But because I was a naive kid, I didn't know that she had depression. And that she was on meds.
Because she was my best friend, I often called or texted her. One day, on my way home from school, I was texting her. She said something about having to go back to work, and I did the usual "Bye, love you" kind of thing you'd usually do with a family member. And I remember what she texted back.
"Aww, I love you too. :)"
And I still remember that message, because that's the last I ever heard from her. Two weeks later, I was on summer break. That day, my parents told me that my cousin had died. They didn't say how. ...That is, until right before her funeral in Las Vegas. Apparently, my cousin had deliberately OD'd on prescription meds that weren't hers in the middle of the night.
Now, back then, I was a very emotional child. I didn't react well to bad events, because I was very sensitive. So, as you can guess, this whole situation wasn't good for me. It took me until a year and a half ago to finally move on from that event. But, my cousin's death sent me down into an ever-worsening spiral into depression.
I started seeing a free counselor, but he's rarely even in-state because he travels often. I want to start seeing a new counselor, but they're very expensive for my budget (my car insurance is insanely expensive because I'm a "new" driver, and my biweekly paycheck makes budgeting a pain in the ass).
Every waking moment of every day, I want to die. I'm a very analytical person, so I've written dozens of entries in my personal journal detailing exactly what I've been dealing with. There's a TL/DR list below (warning: it's still long and descriptive) of what it's like for me to live my daily life.
-Complete and utter lack of any motivation whatsoever
-Forgetfulness, memory loss
-"Brain fog" keeps me from focusing on anything and everything
-Tendency to space out
-Sudden and reoccurring moments where I feel like I can't move or think or do anything, like an extreme weight has been placed over my mind which blocks me from functioning; similar to spacing out, but on a much worse level
-Disassociation from the world around me
-Unintentional, subconscious habit of repressing/suppressing feelings so I don't have to react to negative events; a constant denial of events that happen around me
-A complete lack of the ability to feel or process emotion, unless deeply-troubling topics are brought up or I listen to certain types of music
-Not able to recognize the proper passage of time; things happened a lot longer ago than I remember - probably ties in with the memory loss
-Troubles forming complete, comprehensive thoughts (it's like reading the words on the banner at the end of a commercial; I can catch bits and pieces, but not much else)
-A constant sense of hopelessness, like I will never amount to nothing and will never find a soulmate
-Don't feel loved or appreciated, even though I know that I am
-Feel like I ruin most of my friendships, whether or not it was intentional
-Feel like all of my friends leave me in the end - high school graduation worsened this exponentially
-Unable to focus entirely on tasks, whether work-related or not
-Not able to pay attention during conversations (I'm a heavy visual learner, not auditory); leads to me forgetting things that were just said literally two seconds ago
-Hard time socializing with my peers; a history of bad friendships has left me feeling like my friends don't care about me and they often don't pay attention to me in conversations
-Introvertial nature leads to me habitually isolating
-A lack of purpose; don't know what I want to do with my life and I feel like I'm not needed
-Feels like there's a constant weight or pressure on my chest; I don't think my brain tells my lungs to breathe
-Always feel irritated, can never be comfortable; something always feels out-of-place or is in the wrong spot,
there's always an itch somewhere, always too hot or too cold, etc.
-I'm never not tired and/or fatigued; no matter how much sleep I get, I am consistently tired throughout the day
-Troubles falling asleep; I can be completely exhausted but it will still take anywhere between 30min - 3hrs or more to fall asleep
-Complete and utter lack of self esteem; I don't value myself at all and personally couldn't care less if I died
-I grew up Christian, but I've lost my faith. I do believe that God exists, but I don't believe IN God anymore - basically, I don't believe God is actually there for me,doing things; he's just left me to rot.
-If I had nobody that cared about me, if I knew it wouldn't affect the people around me, I very likely would have resorted to suicide a long time ago. But I've been through the aftermath of suicide, and I know that it destroys people. I can't do that to my friends and family.
I don't know what to do. Almost my entire family is Christian, so most of their advice is revolved around the Bible, but that's no help for me.
The actual TL/DR: I have a lot of issues and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of living like this. I want to die, but I could never bring myself to commit suicide, because I can't do that to my friends and family.
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self.depression
|
My husband is sending dick pics to other girls [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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How much does it take Let me just start by saying I honestly have a great life now . I don't mean to brag or make this sound too cocky but I have a perfect job , great family , tons of friends , I'm good on looks , I have lots of talent in all kinds of things , and im an all around good person . But the pain and stress of my past is completely and totally eating me away . I've been through a lot of things multiple drug addictions , several abusive relationships , health problems , I was homeless , raped , my mom used to beat me up , my dad doesn't talk to me , I've been arrested about ten times , jailed , spent my teenage years on pills in juvie mental hospitals and rehab , and have always had a horrible drinking problem . I tried to kill myself once last year already with pills and it didn't work but I managed to almost drive myself into complete kidney failure . I was in the hospital for a bit from that . I play it off like nobody knows why my kidneys went into failure but I know exactly fucking why it happened . So yeah lifes great and all cleared up now but my fucking mind isn't. It's so screwed and fucked up and I totally know it . Everything eats at me more and more every day . My head feels heavy from all the thoughts and there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about killing myself . I'm pretty good about concealing all those thoughts and feelings though and keeping them to myself . Sometimes they come out when I'm drinking very heavily or just on random days but today is the most ive felt it in a long time . I woke up hungover of course and late for work obviously and I'm just sitting here thinking I can't take it any more and it makes no sense the pain I feel from my past is so deep in my skull it completely fucks up any chance of happiness in the present . I think it's insane . I'm always going to remember and know what happened in my past so there is no escaping it . That's what makes me think it's time to try again and do it right this time . My life would be fucking amazing if I could erase all my memories.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
just a tip my anxiety has been through the roof lately, and it’s become increasingly difficult to fall asleep because my mind just thinks about literally everything at an uncomfortably fast pace
<sigh
it’s lonely, because I don’t even know who would understand
in any case, I guess I’m just here to ask for any tips or tricks because some shut eye would be nice :’(
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self.Anxiety
|
Manic episodes without psychosis? Hi all! I've only had 4 full manic episodes since my diagnosis in 2016. All of them have presented with psychosis in some form, so I was hospitalized each time. I did feel the pressure of hypomania but I don't really know how to recognize mania without the psychotic symptoms. What are manic episodes like without psychosis? I just want to know what to expect so I know when I don't need to seek hospitalization. Thanks y'all!
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self.bipolar
|
Birthdays are so weird to me. I posted yesterday about a situation that made me feel really depressed.
Today is my birthday, and I have a strange feeling. I feel brokenhearted because a specific person doesn't care about me.
I hate birthday messages on Facebook, because I feel like they're just a social convention, and they're not genuine. My family has been there for me, and I love them very much, but I still feel lonely. My little brother, who is the most important person to me, has lost respect for me, and that makes me incredibly sad. My very few friends usually don't even remember this date, but I have to say, my best friend gave me a ticket to a show I want to see, so that was great, but we can't be together because he lives in Australia, and I'm in South America.
Now, reading everything I just wrote, it seems like there's nothing wrong with my situation. Of course, there are some details of my life I didn't mention, that make me feel bad and frustrated right now, but other than that, I shouldn't be feeling like this. I feel ungrateful. Why can't I just focus on those good things, and enjoy everything? Why is it so hard? It just sucks, and it makes me feel guilty, and that makes everything worse.
I should just get out of bed, and get some fresh air, I guess.
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self.depression
|
It all comes rushing back I tried to kill myself a few months ago. Obviously it didn’t work. I spent one day in the hospital and then they sent me home. It was a truly awful experience. I learned a lot about the people in my life that night and the following day. The months since I’ve learned even more. My friends and family don’t understand mental illness at all being at the forefront of my new knowledge. Some of them try but they give up when the water gets a little cloudy.
For the few weeks following my attempt I was miserable but somehow I managed to get myself out of bed long enough to clean my apartment. I felt better, I had a small amount of progress. I was able to see some semblance of a future. I even was able to leave the house with a friend. It didn’t last long.
The people that had been attempting to help all disappeared. My texts from family stopped coming. I lost contact with any friends I had left. I stopped trying to maintain myself and my apartment. I stopped forcing myself to get out of bed. I started eating only what I could get delivered and drinking soda. I’ve only left my apartment one time in the last few weeks. I’ve even run out of medication and my fear of leaving the house to get more is overwhelming.
It seems any progress I have made in my life has disappeared. I feel like a baby. I can’t do anything for myself. I don’t know why my fiancé is still here. He doesn’t seem to even notice how bad things have gotten. He seems uninterested in anything besides video games and random tv shows. I suppose he was always that way though.
I guess what I’m trying to say with all of this is that I’m alone and more depressed than ever. The only option that makes sense to me is suicide. It’s become more than just an option actually, I want it more than anything. I know better than to think I could ever be happy. I’m 31, I’ve tried 100 different ways to better myself. Nothing worked. I’m out of energy. I think I’m done. I want death, I want quiet, I want nothingness.
I’m going to do it right this time.
Thank you for allowing me to write this. I’m not sure why I have. Someone besides me should know how I feel. I have no one else to tell.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm still trying to figure out why the people who are meanest to you are also the ones telling you not to kill yourself. Seriously though the title says it all. I'm so done with the same people who guilt and yell at me trying to cheer me up.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anybody terrified of living with parents forever or for too long? I’m 17 and still in high school. Living with my parents is stressful.
The only time I go out is with them and them only. My mom has been stressed lately so he anger plagues the family and household with constant complaints and over-reactions of anger for little things. (She has always been angry I guess it’s her nature but some of it might stem from her childhood.)
They don’t understand depression and anxiety and instead blame it on the devil and that I should pray. I tend to receive extreme anger when I refuse to participate in court dances for some birthday parties where a lot of people would see me. Trying to go on diets annoys them too sometimes.
I love my parents to death and I’m greatful for them but I really want to move out in my early to mid twenties. I want to be the best that I can be. I want to work on my anxiety and depression. I want to make a lot of great friends that I can be close with and celebrate holidays with. I want to start boxing and eating healthier. Am I alone on this?
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self.Anxiety
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Homelessness Ahead What I look forward to in the next 3-4 years ... my mate will have passed away, I’ll be too old to keep my job, I have no savings and I’ll be homeless.
After years of considering my options I’ve chosen suicide.
Has anyone dealt with these circumstances and ended up in a “decent” situation? I work in a homeless shelter and know what people go through.
This is a very cruel world and unless you have family, and/or friends - we are on our own. With no money that isn’t a viable option.
Thank you for listening.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Currently in the hospital Has anyone had a severe burning sensation in the mouth and a pain in the back of the head that feels like needles stabbing you? It is feeling so bad that i feel like knocking my teeth out and pulling my hair out. I have never had a breakdown this bad.
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self.Anxiety
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Best friend is ignoring me for being too clingy. I honestly want to die right now. Tonight I plan to stab myself in the arm, deep, with the largest kitchen knife in my house. Everything is pointing towards her ignoring me because of how I am. I am a clingy, horrible person. Will I bleed out, who knows? I don't really care right now, I need to stab something living that I hate a lot.
I will update this post if I actually went through with the stabbing, or if I didn't. I cannot get an honest answer out of her; she lies to me so I can feel "better" but to be blatantly honest it just ends up hurting to know the truth.
If I do end up dying from blood loss (unlikely, I don't really want to die I just want to stab a living thing and see the blood flow out of it and the wound itself) then bye, I guess. It's a shame it has to end up this way, nobody will put up with a clingy mess such as me.
I don't know what to do right now, any input is welcome.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't really have a place in this world. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Reluctant Introduction Hi everyone. I'm KissKissAlpaca, and as of December first, I've been diagnosed as Bipolar, perhaps Bipolar II.
I've been... Hesitant to post an intro here.
I'm not sure why.
My first post here was of my visual mood diary, and I've posted a bit over in r/bipolarart. Maybe it's less personal like that?
But anyways... I'm hoping to come to better terms with myself, and I suppose reaching out is a good way to start that.
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self.bipolar
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I'm an arrogant prick and I'll never be better than that The only reason I ever got out of the gutter and tried to do something with my life was because one person figured I might be worth the effort. But now they're gone, and there's no one left with any expectations for me. I don't have anyone to make proud anymore.
And I've gotten so damn arrogant about it all too. I'm not a smart person, I'm not a hard worker, I'm not a charitable and responsible young adult. It's all a fucking farce, a scam. I bluffed my way through school. I'm completely unable to keep a partner satisfied without them cheating on me. I'm a piece-of-shit schizophrenic heroin addict, and I used it to get an advantage. I got leniency where I didn't deserve it, extra time on exams when I could have finished without it. All of these things I never earned. People think I'm clean and on medication, but I'm not. They think I'm working hard, but I'm not. I only help people so I can convince myself I'm a good person, and even then I'm shit at helping them. I'm a shit teacher, they're just all too polite to say it. I'm dragging myself along all day and convincing people that I'm somehow better than they are.
I'm not better or stronger. I can't keep pretending that I belong anywhere but in the ground. I was going to kill myself when I was 8 but just never got around to it, that's how unorganised I am. I was too curious; I wanted to see what would happen next. But I can't keep being curious because this game isn't fun anymore. I've made all of the moves I'm capable of making. Now I'm just prolonging things because I'm scared to die, and that isn't good enough. I knew this was coming, I've had 22 years on Earth to prepare for it.
I'm bored of the game and I think I'm done hurting people.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling numb as Hell Everyone experiences it differently of course but.. I feel hopeless to the point of being numb. Everything makes me feel empty or even sick to my stomach because I realize I'm doing things I used to enjoy but not feeling anything. Or I dread my plans tomorrow morning because I'm making assumptions about how the day will go. It's specifically affecting my relationship with people and my s/o (we live together so they are the closest person to me, I just don't have the energy to argue, be romantic, or even have sex). It all just makes me feel anxious. I'm scared that feeling good things won't come back. Please help.
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self.depression
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I just FAILED my physics midterm and will probably be placed on academic probation. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I feel like all of my friends hate me and I never do anything other than lie and bed all day trying to be on reddit so i can distract my mind from suicidal ideation because of my antidepressants not working half the time. I ve had quite a bit of attempts the past few months
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self.depression
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I hate being a working mom My experience as a mom working full time outside the home is that it sucks. Everyone gets less than my best this way and I am so fucking drained and exhausted every single day. I have no choice but to work because I am the breadwinner.
I feel fat and ugly because I am so exhausted that I don't have time to work out, eat whatever's quickest, and don't have the energy to do my makeup or hair.
My husband and my kids make the struggle worth it but I feel like I am failing them. I also feel guilty complaining because many people struggle way worse than me.
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self.offmychest
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Pasty 14yr old straight out of Germany So basically I think I'm legally retarded at most times. Sometimes its so hard for me to make sense of anything, literally anything. And then there comes the anxiety that I have problems with identifying. It's just that constant feeling of being lost. Sure, sometimes I light up but most of the time I have to try to hold up with whatever is going on. There is so much self doubt in my head. Just please give me any tipps for life there isn't much info to begin with but anything is helpful.
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self.Anxiety
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"Pushing through the fear" activities only make things worse for me, instead of helping me get used to them. I constantly read and hear that the best way to tackle fears is to just do it, but this just doesn't seem to help me, and instead hurts me and makes things worse.
Does anybody else have this issue? I'm not sure how to break through when I keep having such negative experiences, especially socially.
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self.Anxiety
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My parents think I’m gay, I’m not, and I do surprising well with women. I’m 20, haven’t had a girlfriend in recent years..
I can see the confusion, I am interested in music and fashion, I spend most of my money on clothes..
I get compliments a lot, I dress somewhat similar to Harry Styles (skinny jeans, boots, shirts, not so much floral Gucci suits).
I was in the car with my father and he was saying how some friend of his’s daughter came out as bi and how great it is, how accepting it is, how open we’ve all become, how no matter what there’s always love there.
Even when I casually changed topic he went back to it again.
He said if there’s anything I ever want to say, just know he will always be there to listen.
I’m straight.
My friends know me as someone who is good when it comes to women.
I get asked to give advice.
If I’m being honest, I get around..
Now I don’t want to go telling my parents that.. but I’d still rather them not question my sexuality.
It’s not like my dad is a macho guy, he likes golf, guitar, and fixing computers. He didn’t care for sports when I was playing as a kid.
I know he means well, I know where he’s coming from it just annoys me.. irrationally, it’s just if he saw me on a night out he’d be very surprised.
None of my family hear from me about that sort of thing, even my brother, I’ve mentioned a girl I was with maybe a couple of times but that’s it..
I just needed to write this as opposed to getting pissy at my parents.
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self.offmychest
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I broke up with my boyfriend because he was causing my anxiety to flair, but now have anxiety over the fact we broke up. This is just an anxiety mess, which seems to be common.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, with a guy who was depressed, inconsistent, controlling and selfish. My time with him was spent regularly worrying about the state of our relationship, or if he was going to freak out again if I went out with friends, trying to get him off the couch to go out or work out, and many other things.
I broke up with him about a month ago. The breakup was messy, and he still texts me and we talk.
It’s probably because we still talk, but I find myself still anxious and beholden to his reactions. I also find that I worry that I made the wrong choice, or messed up my life, but only in moments of heightened anxiety or panic.
Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to handle this? It’s the first time I’ve struggled in a breakup before. I realistically know that he wasn’t good for me: he revved up the stress more than he calmed it, which, for someone who’s struggled with panic attacks and general anxiety for years, is a huge problem.
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self.Anxiety
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Can't find dad after talks of suicide I just got a call from my sister. Apparently my dad has been talking about suicide and now no one can get a hold of him.
I'm not sure what to do. His phone is off, we don't really know where he could've gone. I'm not even in the same state.
Does anyone have any ideas? I'm freaking out.
e: Thank you for the suggestions. Unfortunately, we didn't find him in time. This is the worst I've ever felt.
If anyone comes across this and is thinking of hurting themselves, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone. There's nothing wrong with having these thoughts, and there are an insane number of people that want to help you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I used to wonder: "Why do people commit suicide? What could be THAT bad?" And then I feel the same feels at time and realized how disrespectful and ignorant I was.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm Over Love. Pt. 1 Well, here I am today. To tell yer folks my story. The story of a dumb teenager who fell for the trap of unrequited love... twice. I don't want to drag this writing, nor I'm that able to write excellent essays. Forgive me if I bore you.
2014 - 7th grade.
Just hit puberty, and due to that my mind began to evolve and act in wildly peculiar mannnerisms. Looking back to it, I disdain those, of course - not because they were of sheer stupidity, but of the fact that these didn't help me grow into the person I aspired yo become - but never worked on that. I had issues. Mental. I was insecure, feeble and sulky. Few friends were a nice company during those days, but... I never fared so well in social activities, or studies... or anything. I was (and am) a mess. But I digress. Girls... they were my weakness. I couldn't communicate with them without the feeling of, well, how shall I put this, erotica? No, it was shyness. Thinking that they were into me, merely because they spoke to me for a few seconds. Disappointment. On my laptop, everyday (I guess), I turned on myself with hentai games, and nude photos of models. Porn wasn't for me. I disgusted that, weirdly at the same time, played these games. A trainwreck.
First day of 7th grade... no, second day. And there was this mass transfer of students between sections due to inconvenience of space. I was retained at where I was, with my future best friends, and ex-best friends. I sat there, by the door to my classroom, when a bevy of girls surged in. I couldn't care, really. I was a pervert, but I didn't hope to fare with anyone of these. Except (let's call her 'Sarah') of her. Long, black hair waving down her back; well-structured face with a tanned skin tone, and those eyes - seemed sleepy, but really were those nonchalant and, of course, mesmerizing. She was near perfect, that includes her persona as well. But we'll come to that later. My main reason, however, of my interest in her was not of her obvious beauty, but of the mystery and the popularity she carried with herself. Wasn't of extreme popularity, she was simply well-regarded due to her talent in singing, and her peculiarities. Anyways, I was invisible to her for a while, until... did I mention I was a fat pig?
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self.offmychest
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I am a horrible human being. I am a horrible human being. No, really, I am. I have done some terrible things, I have no friends, and I hurt everyone around me, but I don't think about other people. I dwell on my self-loathing and forget that other people have feelings too. So I am a horrible human being. I have turned into a monster, physically and mentally. I need to be alone. If I could have someone fix me, I would. That would be perfect. That would work out. But no one can fix me. I am damaged goods. I am a waste of space. I am having a panic attack along with a depressive episode. I am lost, I have no hope, and I don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Life is weird Hello r/suicidewatch,
It has been a while since I've been on here, I'm hopeful on an off chance someone will remember the last post I made from another thrower. I was struggling with depression and this girl really helped and I got some good advice. I wanted to update and speak my mind on current issues. I'll start with background I've attempted 6 times I (m 16) have struggled with depression since I can remember. I have gone back and forth from amazing to not getting out of bed for a week. My last post I talked about two girls one I had a small 3 week fling with who used tried using me for sex and was almost as abusive as my first girlfriend. The second girl (was F17 is F18) we'll call O who I'd been dating for about five months, one day before five months she told me she'd been seeing her ex. O and I shared a couple classes (1 We perm shared, and a couple others that would intigrate [intrgt as our school called it] roughly a third of the time.) we would sneak off and make out a lot. She constantly would be getting handsy under the tables in class and one time she gave me head when we were the only two in the classroom. I really loved her but I got sent into absolute hell when I heard that she didn't care about me. I then got involved with this other girl we had a thing and she was like I don't really want to be public and texted her ex… ALOT even though she claimed he was abusive (he wasn't turns out she's an attention whore.) and then I met this girl I fell in love with her on sight. Well call her R(F16) she and I have been dating for 3 months. R makes me feel like no other person has (yes including O) and I'm worried because she makes me so happy and yet I still feel like killing myself sometimes. I hate this feeling idk what to do because I'm sitting here looking a vile of mercury that I stole from school but I love R and I am just at a loss for words I just don't know. Please help I don't know wth is happening.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What does your psychosis look like? I'm Bipolar 1 with psychosis, and I was wondering what types of psychotic symptoms everyone else had.
During my last manic episode, I was afraid of my reflection because I felt like I was watching myself dying in the mirror. I also got scared of one song because I had a feeling that it was somehow related to my death. Colors became so intense and bright that it seemed like someone had cranked up the saturation of my world to the maximum setting. I became really paranoid that everyone I knew hated me and were silently judging me whenever I walked by. I also experienced severely disorganized speech and behavior due to my dissociation--I had extreme difficulty finishing a sentence, completing a simple task, or driving my car. I would end up places and not really know why I was there.
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self.bipolar
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Today I noticed my Anxiety Today I realised I may have Anxiety as I’ve started a new job and did well on my first day, the second day was today and I felt petrified. I froze, went really weak, started shaking and felt really ill. I didn’t even feel better when I got home after calling off sick because I physically couldn’t focus or do anything, I barely got home. Only when my parents have gone out and I have slept from 9am till 8:30pm do I feel a little better but I still have this fear. I need to speak to my parents when they get back and sort this out. It’s terrifying me. I just needed a place to confess all of this. Thank you if you read this
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self.Anxiety
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Season changes & mood Anyone else notice a relationship between the time of year and mood? My manic episode was in the late fall/early winter and if I look back I had patterns of strange behaviour at that time of year in prior years. I’ve also talked to people who only become manic in the fall. Maybe something to do with the weather/earth that shifts our consciousness or maybe it’s a stressful time of year, I don’t know.
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self.bipolar
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Fuck it if i die it won't matter..hit or miss Does anyone live in Berlin?I need someone to talk to..I don't give a shit if your a potential harm and definitely intend to harm me..heck take me out if you can
But if your not it'd be nice to talk to someone
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thinking of trying it tonight So may be a bit of a long read so sorry
Im 20 and from the uk. Had a history of eating disorders and depression since i was atleast 14. The eating disorders was mostly a control thing ( divorce,bullying..etc but thats mostly resolved now and the depression i think came from that and me isolating myself from everyone.
I did get help for the depression when i was 16, avoided medication and went to therapy for a year. I thought i was "better".
i did think i was, like i became more social and had friends and felt happy. I felt really happy for once. But since 18, my life has been an up and down mess all because of my choices. To sum up most of the bad ones in the past 2 years; binges on drink and drugs, had several intense relatioships with older men ( fyi where people have took advantage at "parties" ) , several risky sexual stuff like getting into car with strangers drunk in the middle of the countryside and having unprotected sex and being in a random country on holiday to meet a random person myself , cutting off friendships because i felt they were holding me back, going to £2000 debt, self harm. Like I went on a date with a guy twice and told him i loved him and was planning on dropping out of uni and moving to the city to be with him. LIKE THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY, RIGHT? But it felt normal to me.
i've done most of that stuff because i felt like i was invincible and i felt crazy good for months which i why i did that. Like i felt untouchable and it felt amazing compared to how i feel but for the past few months, its been more of a self harm thing. Like i dont care what happens to me anymore and i've hurt so many people with my actions. Like the guilt is killing me. i can't handle the 2 sided emotion, i have no in between. Like i'm either ecstatic making poor choices or wanting to die and trying to kill myself slowly . I can't handle it. Like i know i'm not normal.
I have friends and family but that's not the problem, i have a support group. I just can't deal with what's going on in my head
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't see a point in my life anymore I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t stop thinking about suicide. I can’t find anything in my life anymore, everything seems to make me sad. Every time I get happy, the sadness that comes after the being happy gets worse. Every night I cry and I’ve fallen back into self harm a little. I’ve also developed an eating disorder (according to my doctor) and my depression has gotten to the point of crying in my room alone and wrapped in a blanket (i’ve never been able to do that before, I could never sit alone and still with sadness until now)
I don’t know what I need, my limerent type feelings have begun to resurface as well and all my problems are just too much to deal with anymore if i’m just gonna be miserable anyways.
I wrote a suicide note, I have a ‘will’ (notes that I trust my closest friend to share with those I mentioned in the will). I’ve already preplanned my funeral too. Every one thinks i'm way better off than I really am
I said I wouldn’t kill myself until i’m 21, I promised someone that.
But when therapy, antidepressants, and reassurance haven’t done shit and I’m falling back to where I was two years ago, is there really even a point?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm gonna die alone I have no friend because of my anxiety. I really hate life. I'm awkward irl and I don't think I'll ever meet someone who likes me.
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self.Anxiety
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Lyrica and Lunesta Has anyone had experience with one or both of these meds. I’ve felt suicidal for months. I believe these meds are responsible. Just went off cold turkey a week ago. No longer suicidal thoughts. A ways to go yet with anxiety.
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self.bipolar
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Need advice/counseling. I just can't let go of my wonderful childhood and are so afraid to face adulthood. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Meditation I have been using the free meditation app Oak. I am finding it helpful for clarity. I thought I would just mention it. Hope all are having a good new year.
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else feel unsafe about showering while food is cooking? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I'm more prone to depressive swings during certain times of the day. Is that normal? Hello,
So, first off, I have not been diagnosed as on the bipolar spectrum, though I'm considering inquiring into that. So, for all I know, I might not actually be bipolar. That said, after talking to a professional (who recommended I seek treatment), my symptoms seem to generally fit enough that I'd like to ask you for advice. (I personally think cyclothemia fits the bill, but I'm not a doctor.)
I've noticed lately that I tend to get into really, really dark depressive moods (the kind that you can physically feel, you know. You get all cold, pressure on your head and shoulders, lethargic, you feel really dead and empty as opposed to sad, etc) during the late afternoons and evenings. It's not like it doesn't happen at other times, or it happens every evening, but it seems to happen a lot then. Which I guess kind of would make sense-my willpower is at its lowest, I regularly feel bad about not achieving my goals, and due to my situation in life, I don't really have much to do in the evenings other than reflect upon my past, which tends to trigger a depressive episode more than any other factor. So, is this at all normal? What would you recommend doing about it? I've responded to this by taking sleeping pills to ensure that I can terminate the day, but I want to find a more stable interim solution as I look at professional help.
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self.bipolar
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School makes me want to die! D: My teachers hate me (at least so I feel), some teachers give me a new thick packet EVERY SINGLE DAY, I barely have any friends in my classes, I take 16 exams in a year, people call me gay and stay way from me mainly because I don't like the "cool" stuff like Fortnite, I'm under a ton of pressure to get good grades, my teacher threatened to give the class assigned seats at lunch if I keep sitting with my friends, my entire class thinks I'm weird so It's either sit with them and tolerate them or get beaten up because one of the kids in my class beat up one of my friends and they broke their jaw. My teachers give detention for the littlest things! (Like being late to class a few times, the hallways are crowded and teachers like to hold students back because a few students are being jerks, and also talking in class will get you detention in my homeroom.) It's just so stressful sometimes and I contemplate suicide. I've talked to my parents and they do their best, they have suggested talking to the teachers but the last time they did this my teacher hated me on a cellular level. PLEASE help! ;-; I really don't want to kill myself but lately I've been considering it a lot.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Whatever i do,I just dont feel any motivation to live life anymore! ._. So yeah,14 y/0 HS dropout that everyone hates..
Since the first 2 months of my depression,I wanted to die already and it's been 2 years since then!...Since last month,i've decided that i wont go through anymore....It's not because i wanted to do it,I just realized that whatever i do i just cant seem to motivate myself for a long period of time...So im just trying to find the right time to go to ma auntie's condo where she lives to jump...
Tbh with ya'll,Im happy right now...Im doing everything okay and acting normal,But im finishing the things i should watch,Playing the last games i want to play and play basketball with other people...Im just finishing the things i wanna do or i should do so i have no regrets anymore...I figured that everyone would be shocked or sad for a few months but i remember that suicide is a "Permanent Solution" so that means i wont have to worry about them since its a permanent solution..Right now im living life as it is,Happy outside and sad inside ma room...But it's better this way.
I've planned it all out already,At 12:00MD,Im gonna go and see a beautiful and nice view at the rooftop without anyone for the first time,I always wanted to do it,A peaceful time alone with the cold breeze and the starry night..And then finally at 1:00PM or 2:00PM,Im gonna jump and leave a letter that says "Goodbye"...And im also gonna put "The End" at my diary on the day i will jump (Which i will hide on OUR house lol )..So yeah it's up to them to understand why because i know that the ones that truly loves me will understand right away..
So btw this is not a "Help" letter or a "Motivation" letter,I simply posted this because this is also a part of the last things i wanna do because if some people here wanna find me and see this,Or even my family maybe,Atleast they'll know that im gone or what the reason is....It's also not something i posted for popularity,But if any of you want to help then gladly please...But i've already reached that point,The point where you just calm down and finally end everything...But this wont be my last post yet i think,But this will be one of my last posts..Because that day is really close lol,So i guess see ya'll in hell? lmao
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self.SuicideWatch
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Gender dysphoria is going to kill me I literally think about killing myself every night, every moment I spend
is shit and I can't get away from the dysphoria. I cry half the time I look in the mirror and I have no motivation to do anything. I have nothing to do and literally every day I'm alive is shit. I tried to put in makeup today and it made me look even worse and I just started crying. I have bad anxiety and I'm too scared to present as female publicly, somehow the idea of that seems scarier to me than death. Im fucking disgusting and I hate being reminded that I exist. If'm not passable and treated as a woman (not a trans woman) by my early 20s I'm going to kill myself, right now it's only a question of whether I do it before that. Idk why I'm posting this, nothing anyone says is going to change the fact that I'm not a girl. Everyone I talk to who offers to help me inevitably just ends up disappearing suddenly and cutting contact with me, I just fucking want to look feminine
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate when people call me. Whenever my phone rings I feel my stomach flip because I’m sure someone is calling me to tell me someone is dead. I’ve told people to text instead, and two people who can’t fucking get this is my mother and my mother in law.
What’s worse is that they call over stupid shit that could have easily been sent by text. My mom will call and leave a voicemail where she just says “call me.” And when I call her? It’s stupid shit.
I’ve started not answering my phone ever and if someone doesn’t leave a voicemail or the voicemail is something insubstantial, I ignore it.
They know it gives me anxiety. I explained to everyone why I’d rather them text. However, these two either don’t care or really think their trivial calls are important.
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self.Anxiety
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Working a new job after unemployment for 4 months is making me so anxious It’s only day 2 of my first work week and it’s already so overwhelming that my IBS is acting up and every time I’m in there I feel scared anxious and upset. They didn’t train me very well at all, and no one is trained or familiar with the programs they have me using for work. So when I need to asks a question, no one can answer it but the girl who just quit and I’m replacing and I have to text her - they just tell me to text her. It’s not fair to her and also it’s not okay that I have no one to answer my questions but her. I feel like I’m already messing things up but I’m trying my best so I don’t really know what to do other than that.
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self.Anxiety
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Ever Feel like a Victim? I'm the bipolar family member and I feel like a victim because the universe chose me to have this chemical imbalance. I'm trying to seek help and my mother who has no clue what it's like, tries to help all the time and I don't want her help. I just want her to listen. She is a RN of 40 years and has no training of dealing with mental health patients since apparently they didn't teach that eons ago. She literally texted me to look at the positives in my life and how I'm loved and crap I don't/won't accept. I have a appointment on May 10th for a psychiatrist and that's the soonest I can get in. I'm trying to use my resources and they just bite me in the butt. Every religious person has also been a jerk to me recently so I'm not going that route either. I feel like a victim. I do not want to feel this way forever. I am trying to find help. I have been off meds since October since my doctor has given up trying to find me something to help since I've tried almost every pill on the market for insomnia/depression/bipolar1. I have tried everything under the sun except medical marijuana or CBD oil. I am going to venture into those avenues soon, because at this point it's worth a shot. I do not want to self Medicate or self harm and my relationship with my bf is in the toilet. I now understand crazy cat women and I do not even care about cats but somehow my best friend has 2 and they are my God-Nieces. Life is weird.
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self.bipolar
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My body fucked me up Actually it's not like how you think. After a series of unfortunate event yesterday, today i will done my ielts exam. BIT WHAT A FUCKING GREAT MORNING, woke up late more than 30mins, got yelled at, run with injured ankle, making some false excuse at the centre only to be foubd lying and got rejected. The cause of this is simple, just because my body didn't hear the alarn and my aunt's wake up call. I really want to inflict some pain and/ or death to this motherfucking body. Since i got unstable emotion, i feel greatly dishonered, dumb and a desire to erase my existence. Please help.
Forgot to mention my result is aborted (dunno other word), i spent a large sum of my parents money just to get depression lmao
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self.depression
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Has anyone literally became mute when they were depressed? When I developed mental health problems I literally didn't talk for about a year. I still said the odd word but literally one word at a time. I didn't do much at all except play Xbox. I didn't work I couldn't. I said one or 2 words at a time and I didn't see anyone except family. Eventually I got my voice back and started saying longer sentences. It all happened pretty gradually. But I don't feel like my personality ever came back. This happeend after a break up and I was devastated. This was a very long time ago now. But I still feel like I haven't recovered. I don't know if I'm depressed nwo tbh. I do hate myself sometimes because I feel like I'm only half the person I used to be. But maybe I never really recovered from it all? My confidence is definitely low so maybe it's just that. Do you think I was catatonic? Has something like that ever happened to anyone here?
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self.depression
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People who have took buspar then stopped, did you notice a different? Recently stopped taking 20mg's of buspar a day, and I've literally had no difference in my anxiety. Anyone else have this experience? I was taking it for a year.
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self.Anxiety
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[dAE] If I don't have it now, I'll never have it? Books about it & about insecurity? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I'm having what I believe to be a mixed episode. I feel myself slipping into a depression and I'm very irritable and paranoid. My doctor took me off benzos because it's addictive, but it's all that helps. I need relief from these constant racing thoughts. Anybody else? Advise? This is exhausting. Seeking relief
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self.bipolar
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Vitamins and supplements for anxiety? So recently I started adding these to my diet:
-Vitamin D
-Magnesium
-Omega 3 Fish Oil
-"Stress B-Complex" (a mix of Vitamins C, E, B6, B12, Zinc, Folate, and some other stuff)
I was thinking of trying something called Ashwaganda that is supposed to help with stress and energy. There's also stuff like Lemon Balm, Holy Basil, Valerian Root, and L-Theanine that supposedly help with stress and anxiety but I'm not sure how effective they really are.
Does anybody here take vitamins or supplements? Do they help at all?
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety causing strong body odor. I can't take it anymore I've always been a little bit anxious, but earlier this year (around February/March) my anxiety and depression kicked up a notch. I was still in my senior year of high school at the time. At this time, I noticed (and everyone around me noticed, also) that I get anxious and begin to sweat profusely from my underarms. I'm not talking about normal, odorless sweat. It's a strong smell that is almost constant, unless I'm sitting in my room isolated because of how insecure I am. I would get shit from everybody and be on the tail end of every joke because of this. I went from being a pretty chill kid with all the confidence in the world, into a disgusting sweaty person full of anxiety; confidence now at zero. It got so bad that towards the end of the year, I couldn't even go into school. I was out for an entire month.
It's 8 months later and here I am. Still anxious as hell, and still a hermit because any social situation causes me to stink up entire rooms. I have tried every prescription anti-perspirant to no avail. I can get out of the shower and the odor comes back within 10 minutes. I am prescribed Xanax XR, which helps a bit with the anxiety, but not the foul body odor. Doctors haven't been able to help me in any way and it feels as though my armpits are controlling my entire life. I have a job, but it's extremely difficult to find the motivation to go in just knowing I have a barrage of insults waiting for me (from coworkers as well as customers, I work in a restaurant).
I just feel like shit, and if my odor would subside I would be able to live a happy, mostly carefree life. It's hard to be optimistic though, it's been going on for so long and it's sent me into a long, painful depression. I guess I just needed to vent and ask if anyone here experiences the same thing, or if there's anything I can do about it. I also suffer from CPTSD, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it.
TLDR: My constant anxiety is accompanied by a strong body odor that will not go away no matter what I do. Wondering if this is common or if there's a remedy, although I'm sure I would've found it by now
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self.Anxiety
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I miss you. I don't understand why you don't care at all. Not even a little. Not even a return Happy Thanksgiving. So many tears. Sometimes I hate you. You're so cold.
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self.offmychest
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Figured venting here is cathartic if nothing else... ***Apologies for the impending word vomit. I'm not going to spend time editing this, I just want to put this out there while I can bring myself to do so.***
I'm so tired.
I spend each and every day funneling every ounce of energy I can muster into putting on a happy face and telling myself that I *can* be happy and I'm worth putting in the effort.
Recently it's become progressively harder and harder to put one foot in front of the other and tell myself everything will be OK.
Yesterday (my 24th birthday) was easily the hardest day I've had in a long time -- and I feel like an ungrateful prick for feeling that way.
Put simply, starting from when I was a young teen I stopped celebrating my birthday. This wasn't a decision I made but the result of all of my 'friends' deciding spending time with each other on the weekends was vastly more important than spending a *single* day with me.
In more recent years I usually get the general 'Happy Birthday' posts on Facebook, and my girlfriend; to her credit does her best to make the day special. This year it simply wasn't "enough". Over the years I've become incredibly jaded when it comes to my birthday. I tell myself that I don't care and it's not something I even need to pay attention to -- but I'm lying and I know it. All I want and all I've ever wanted is 10 seconds from the people I love most in the world to reach out and tell me I *matter*. This year very very few did so.
I feel so broken, and I feel selfish for feeling that way. A few reached out, I even recieved a gift sent to me by my parents. I just can't help but feel an empty chasm in my stomach when I think about all the people I love who seem to be indifferent to my existence.
I spent the evening after I got off work alone in my apartment, with nowhere to go and nothing to do -- feeling like no one cared where I was or what I was doing.
It's the first time in a very long time that I've had suicidal thoughts.
Today what somewhat better. It was a more 'normal' low day instead. Probably because the "pressure" of a day I've come to hate so much isn't there.... but now I'm alone again, in my apartment with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company. I hate myself for letting "another day" bother me. I hate myself for feeling ungrateful for the people who *did* show they cared. I hate that all I seem to be able to see is the negative.
I can see objectively speaking that the way I am behaving is neither healthy nor productive -- but it doesn't stop the feelings from coming and I really just needed to put these thoughts out in open.
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self.depression
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Sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm still here. And I think about who would care if i died (not many). I still have a few things to live for, but who knows how long that will last, and everyday is just prolonging the inevitable. It feels like I'm putting in maximum effort and it's still not enough.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I regret everything The title makes no sense, I know. I feel I should introduce myself a bit before getting to the post content: I'm almost 15, and was diagnosed with major depression in November.
I've had depression symptoms (being ignorant, I thought it was normal back then and caused by "hormones") since last year, though, and I wish I had gotten help earlier. I would be able to listen to music, do schoolwork, play my favorite games, watch anime, and so many other things. I am constantly envious of other people and hold random grudges because they can enjoy things I used to.
I feel like my teen years are being taken over by depression, and I feel like I'll never get better. I know this is supposedly a normal part of depression but I feel so alone. I'm the only one in my house with depression and it seems I have no one to talk to. To add to that, I have a hard time expressing my feelings in general.
Thank you for reading this giant wall of text.
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self.depression
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I can only focus on the bad things happening in my life, especially at work. Is this normal? It’s just a constant state of “You’re super depressed, isolate yourself from everyone because your a poison, waste your day away, think about progressing in life but of course you won’t do anything, etc
I just feel like I have a mild OCD and I can’t stop obsessing over my mental health and how I’m slowly rotting. I can’t focus on anything else.
Please someone tell me it gets better or something. I’m only 23 and I should be enjoying my life
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self.depression
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Anxiety because of no anxiety. Yesterday was a good day. Keep myself busy playing games with my family. Hardly any anxious thoughts. Went to bed at midnight still hardly any anxiousness. Woke up at 3am then fell asleep again. Finally woke up a 6 and I felt great! But now I’m sitting in bed and it’s an all out battle. My mind is try so hard to get me anxious. It’s annoying, it is throwing anxious thoughts at me left and right. I feel like sometimes my mind wants to be anxious, like it desires it, looks for it. It’s very frustrating!
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self.Anxiety
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This maybe my second post in the past half an hour. [deleted]
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self.depression
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A Tale of My Depression...and I Don't Think It Can Be Beaten I've struggled with depression my entire life, I think (I'm currently 28). As long as I can remember. At the very least, I have zero happy memories, especially from my childhood. No family ties as my father has been out of the picture since I was 16, my mother and I have been together in the same place maybe three times since I was 18, and both of my brothers are in the military, out of state. I'm the oldest, and I was in the Marine Corps from ages 19-23.
I've always been alone, and never really felt like anybody cared about me. I definitely never got that impression from my family, I was always made to feel as if I was a burden on them. Even today I see my friends talk about their relationships with their own parents, and I always wonder what that's like. What's it like to know you have somebody who cares, just a phone call or text away? Somebody who won't think, "Oh God what's wrong with him this time?" When you just need someone to listen?
Over the past couple of months, my depression has gotten to the point where it's been unbearable. My boss sent me home from work to go to the mental health clinic at the VA, they put me on meds, and I've been on them for about a month. Sure, maybe I don't have massive meltdowns every night anymore, but I sure as hell still cry myself to sleep every night, and I go to bed wishing and hoping to God I don't wake up and have to face another day.
I do have some close friends, from work, and they live nearby. When it was "really bad," and when I say that I mean to the point I couldn't hide it, they would take turns hanging out with me, making sure I wasn't alone, all that. One night about a month and a half ago I was going to kill myself and if they hadn't told me to come stay over with them, I probably would have. So I suppose I have something resembling a support system although out of fear of being a burden I don't talk to them about my depression anymore.
Every waking moment is a struggle. I was divorced about a year ago, and since then I've always been alone. I don't particularly miss my ex-wife, but I do miss having someone to share life with. All of my friends have a significant other, and I'm alone. I just want, more than anything, somebody to care about me and want me to care for them. And I know, in my mental state I probably need to learn to "love myself" or whatever. But I'm just deathly afraid that I will never find someone, and I'll die alone. I've only had one real relationship and that turned into a marriage that failed, I feel like a failure.
I'm not a bad looking guy, and the girls at work all love me and always say things like "you're gonna make a girl really happy one day" blah blah blah. But I don't believe it because everybody in my life that was close to me at one point, eventually got tired of me. My parents, my brothers, friends, my ex. Everyone just gets bored of me and decides they want to move on.
I did something resembling dating not too long ago. A girl from work, that I had always ignored. Turns out she had a thing for me for about a year, and we started talking, and got pretty close. It felt like a relationship for awhile, really. I let things move at her pace, because I didn't want to put any pressure on her for a relationship, whatever. I just liked hanging out and having fun with her, that's how I saw it. Then she hit me with the "let's be friends, I'm not ready for a relationship" talk and that hit me like a ton of bricks. My depression that had been dormant for awhile came roaring back, and since then I've felt like I'm drowning, meds or no meds.
I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of crying. More often than not, I do. My dogs don't cheer me up anymore, my interests don't cheer me up anymore, nothing does. Nothing makes me happy, and I don't think I ever will get a taste of what that feeling is like.
All my life I've been nothing but a giver. I always want to help others, always put others before myself. I'm loyal as all hell. But for some reason I have zero meaningful relationships, and apparently now I'm crazy to boot. I guess the meds are helping a bit because I don't want to die AS much, but it's not like I'm happy. I'm just numb. Every day is the same, every waking moment is the same, and I'm going to be like this forever.
Somebody tell me it gets better. Because every time I think "hey, I'm happy, this is good," it all comes crashing down at some point. At this point I'm afraid of the highs, I'm afraid of the good days. Because all that means is there's a bad day around the corner, and I'm going to go right back to that dark prison in my head again. I know this isn't the suicide reddit, but I think I'm ready to die. I wouldn't kill myself, no, because I don't have the guts to. But if something were to take me, or I just didn't wake up? Yeah I'm cool with that.
If you read everything, thanks. I just want to know somebody cares. I want to know what that feels like. I always care for everyone else and will drop everything for them...but just for once in this miserable existence we call life, I want to be the one that somebody drops everything for.
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self.depression
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At what point do I need to consider going to the hospital The title pretty much sums it up.
I keep having thoughts of suicide and the only relief that I get is when I can keep my mind busy with something. However when I can’t the thoughts are very strong. I’m an adult and when I told this to my therapist she basically said that if this continues that she would have to tell my parents about it. I could tell my psychiatrist, but I’m scared of going to the hospital. I don’t want to go especially during this time of year. It would just ruin it for my parents. I’m just so lost right now.
Sorry I keep posting so much.
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self.depression
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BipolarLife I can see myself having future, a momentary wild and fun future but never a settled one. Something I have accepted is not in my path. I’m going to be practically single for the rest of my life. The closet thing to a real relationship I can ever have are people that I can relate to. Being around them is the only way life is livable, you don’t feel alone, you don’t feel an outcast. It’s been a life long search to feel accepted as just ones self.
The most painful thing right now is the tease. Finally finding that place of content, having it in sight but never in grasp.
I wake up knowing I have no settled future. This momentary future that works for me has its requirements. 1 I need my people around me - I need to feel as part of a ‘normal’. I need to be able to feel not alone in this world and able to enjoy others company. It’s what makes me humble, fills the void that materialism used to fill.
The rest of it: requires money; 2 I need to be able to be creative so my brain can flourish, without this I feel like I’m a crazy hyperactive dog locked in a cage with a muzzle. A muzzle being an anecdote for my own in house personality suppressant due to my past behavior looking back at periods in mania.
3 Things needs to be simple and easy - my medication drains my whole body of its energy, usually just the though of doing something practical takes up most of what I have.
4 And of course I need to look good to feel good - when I feel alone i not so much blame but hold accountable my own personally for being this way and in these moments my looks are probably the only thing I hold on to and cherish about myself.
Living by the moment is the only practical impractical solution. From the moment that I’m conscious I drown into this awareness until I can force myself to open my eyes. 1,2,3,4 times usually I force my eyes back shut hoping for life to just go away.
I live in the constant battle- trying to take each moment at a time is difficult when your mind tries to forward plan everything. It’s not so much racing thoughts but a defense mechanism. I was always told to be ‘realistic’. Optimism isn’t being realistic. And I know I’m far from stupid. I have proof of this. In my world being optimistic really is stupid.
It’s actually falling into this stupid optimism that gets be out of bed in the morning. The whole ‘maybe somethings going to work out today’. And as that day unravels the cycle of disappointing events continues as becomes one extra thing to add on the list for not wanting to wake up tomorrow.
I imagine this being like Newton’s cradle. Hope knocks you into the world and every time you just come slamming back harder and harder - and unfortunately you will never break.
‘Unfortunately you will never break’. This is the hardest thing to cope with. In good times and times of being content, everything can be forgotten. In dark times you’re just left with 2 options. Option 1 you can fight it - just the mere though of the energy requirement is enough to drag you deeper into mental oblivion. All you want now and more is Option 2. Option 2 is not available ‘Unfortunately you will never break’.
Option 2 is not so much as pessimism or depression. In the outside perspective of being realistic it’s the ultimate defense.
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self.bipolar
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I hate that my divorced parents don't talk with each other. My parents have opposite opinions when it comes to me and getting a job and my own apartment, but that would not be a problem if they would talk about it with each other and not just me. It fucking sucks to be in this situation, and it is fucking unneccesary, which only makes it suck more.
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self.offmychest
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To my ex SO who sapped my happiness and fueled my anxiety for the past 3 years, fuck you (also please tell me why this was removed the first time) It started off like any high school love interest; awkwardness, hormones, weird silences because neither of us knew what the hell we were supposed to do. Over the years, I’m not quite sure why I stayed with you. Perhaps it was fear as to what you might have done if I left. Perhaps it was how I wanted to help you, to fix you. I may never know and I’m okay with that. I’m okay with never seeing you again. You were mentally abusive and always made me question myself, everything I said you had to argue the point. Your deliberate lack of compliments for me whilst complimenting every other person you met drove me insane. I was always there for you during your worst moments, there to comfort you and support you through your hard times. Was it so much for you to do the same for me? Rather than tell me how much I “overreact” whenever I had an anxiety attack and told me that you were going to ignore me until I was okay again, treating me like some toddler, you could’ve spoken to me to calm me down. I even gave you instructions on what to do for fucks sake. For 3 years this “relationship” was loosely held together, with me too scared to move away from you but you were openly looking at other people. I’d say I hope you’re happy with who you’re with now but that’s too good for an asshole like you. I finally worked up the courage to leave you and move away so I’d never have to deal with you again but you keep trying to drag me back into your life. If you wanted me so badly why couldn’t you show it with basic human compassion instead of simply treating me like a moral support robot who only exists when you need something. I’m a human too, a human who is moving on to better people.
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self.offmychest
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Death will free me Why struggle every day? Why suffer?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Unless you face the social injustice of the group you are 1.97857896% of, it doesnt fucking matter. Im so tired of people using their heritage or their ancestry or some minuscule portion of their dna as a means of "oh Im .9999999999 percent Navajo, so I totally get it"
It bugs the shit out of me and I think its completely ignorant and selfish.
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self.offmychest
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Child threatening suicide on Skype. How do I help? I can't figure out how to report this on Skype. A friend of a friend of my son is threatening suicide on Skype. My son's friend only knows this boy though Skype, not IRL. He's only 12 years old. All I have to go by is his Skype ID and that he lives in SW Arkansas. He said his mother passed away, and he has expressed that his dad is abusive. Also has a history of cutting. He lives in a different state than us, so I don't know if calling 911 would do anything. What do I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Here I am Made a new username just for this.
I have had depression since I was a kid. I remember the first time I had a suicidal thought, I was in 5th grade. So 10 years old. 33 now. As an adult I have tried a few times to get a handle on this, but the depression comes and goes. Most recently I went like 1.5 years where I felt fine and thought I had finally grown out of it or something.
This summer it all changed, though. I could blame some things, but those things have been removed and I am still depressed. And it is different now.
I have always done everything I could to not admit that I was depressed, so some other issue that I think is justa symptom would be dealt with unsuccessfully. Like not sleeping well or having trouble concentrating.
I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis two years ago, which gave me a hard time mentally for a couple months. I even went to a therapist, but still wouldn't let depression come up.
It is different now, more debilitating and physical than ever. I have no energy, no motivation. My desk at work is covered in crap where I used to be the most organized person in the office and other people's messes bothered me. I'm not getting things done, missing deadlines, and I'm not even sure where to start to get a grip on anything at work right now. I can't think straight and the only thing I can concentrate on is mindlessly browsing Reddit and praying my boss doesn't start tracking internet usage. I have always had low energy, and some of that is from MS. But lately I sit on my ass at work, get home, eat, and I just want to get kids in bed and put myself to bed too. Then my wife wakes me up 11 hours later. I have nothing left for energy. At all.
I did tell my neurologist about my newfound slovenliness and such, which led to a referral to a neuropsychologist. Because now it could be MS or it could be depression or it could be some mix.
I just hope I am going in a right direction finally. I just feel completely detached. I am alone at work most of the time. Today I was going to clean up my desk. That was literally the one thing I told myself to accomplish today. Now I'm off in 45 minutes and haven't done shit for work. Including cleaning my desk. But a neuropsychologist doesn't really diagnose stuff or do much... It will be useful to know what they have to say, but I'm still not doing anything.
At this point I don't even know how to ask for help. My wife knows some things, but I even avoid talking to her about this stuff. I live in a small town and can't go to the doctor without talking to a personal friend. My wife is at one of the doctor's houses right now spending the afternoon with his family. All the nurses and office staff are people I know well. I get anxious thinking about telling anyone about this.
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self.depression
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Does anybody else isolate themselves when you feel lonely? [deleted]
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self.depression
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You hurt me first I know I said some awful things last night. You've said some awful things before too. I just wanted you to care as much for me as ibhave for you. But that doesn't excuse my behavior. You may not want to be with me now. After everything I said and how I acted. But I love you. I hate it when you're mad at me.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else struggle to feed themselves because they get bored after two bites? I have had such a hard time eating lately. I will be hungry and know I NEED to eat, finally gear myself to the effort of cooking something, barely touch it, then get bored of eating and not want to anymore.
Does anyone else experience this?
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self.depression
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Anyone else worried about never getting better? Just got out of my third psych ward stay. I was released after completing 5 ECT sessions. Still feeling zero improvement. Still got five to seven sessions to go. Can’t shake the feeling that my case is a lost cause though.
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self.depression
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It amazes me how quickly I flip. A couple of weeks ago I was an inch from going back to hospital. I was told that if I didn't go to work that Monday (I had taken some days off) that I would have to go back to inpatient. I was self harming and so depressed. I felt so hopeless.
But I didn't want to go back to hospital. It's too awful.
I had to really think about how depressed I actually was and I decided that I'm not at the stage where I am so bad I will kill myself. I have the power and control over my actions. And if I have control over my actions I can go to work and do a good job. So I put on a brave face and went to work.
I forced myself to put the effort in over these two weeks and go over and above the call of duty. I delivered a key piece of work for a new senior member of staff, working crazy hours with him and producing something I am truly proud of.
He came over to me yesterday and said that he was blown away by my work and wanted to extend the opportunity to work with him as an advisory/management role. I'm buzzing!!!
I have to make sure I don't get triggered into full blown mania because I haven't slept much, but I feel so proud of myself that I have more control over my life.
I had a couple of very public breakdowns at work of the last years and I've been so afraid that it has destroyed my career opportunities. But it makes me feel so proud and happy that I'm getting recognised again for my hard work.
Just wanted to share!
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self.bipolar
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This is ruining my life, I beg for help [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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In need of a LOT of help here, please! (Not for me) My sister and her bf went to jail on 12/9 for raping another young woman. My sister's bf killed himself in jail the other day. My sister has no clue what happened. She and I have been estranged for several months and now she wants to see me on Saturday. How can me or my family....or anyone....tell her that her bf killed himself? She was on suicide watch when she thought he was just in the hospital. Any advice???
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self.depression
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I'm [23 M] swamped by my own mediocrity. I'll be honest; my life is not bad in the slightest. I've got a good-paying job for my age as a software dev, I'm fond of my coworkers, I'm living with my best friend in a nice flat, I'm in the middle of writing a first draft of a novel, and I have a loving family.
Yet I can't help but feel... crushed by it all. I feel like I never meet anyone new or interesting, and my love life is non-existent and in my current form seems to be likely to remain that way.
I swing from phases of giggling, manic insanity and inspiration to complete despondency at my inability to pick up new skills. I look at my novel, which I'm working on with my best friend, and every time he points out a flaw or I have to rewrite a section, I become crushed by the realisation that I'll never quite be up to snuff.
I have aspirations of a satisfying career, a worthwhile writing collection that people will consider timeless, and some mental stability (and following the latter, and only then, maybe having a family), but for the life of me, I just can't see it happening.
The light's there at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel just keeps getting longer, it feels.
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self.offmychest
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When to push myself out of my comfort zone and when to give myself a break This is my first time posting on this thread and I’m feeling (shocker) a little nervous about it because I don’t know where to begin. Basically I’m in a pretty time consuming/difficult major and it’s triggerd my anxiety pretty badly which, as always, has reflected on my social life.
I’m in a pretty big group of friends (eight; some I know from high school, others new) and we always hang out together at Uni, but being in big groups like that always keeps me on my toes at the best of times. Conversations in big groups are always stressful for me; I never know if I’ve said the right thing or if I’m welcome in this conversation or not. I always feel left out and like I don’t belong because I’ve been the outsider before, even though this time I know I’m not (they all seem to like me and think I’m funny etc etc). For the past couple of weeks I’ve been alternating between spending breaks alone and hanging out with them (I’ve also muted all of our group chats). However, distancing myself for too long also gives me anxiety because I start to feel like I’m being phased out, so I force myself to hang out with them, which in turn gives me anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle. My best friend, who is a part of this group, has offered that we hang out just the two of us if that makes me more comfortable, but I know she would prefer being in a big group, so if I take her up on that, it’ll only cause me more anxiety because I’ll feel like she doesn’t really want to hang out with me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve read countless times that you shouldn’t isolate yourself and listen to your anxiety, but I don’t know if that’s what I’m doing. When should I force myself to hang out with them and when should I stay alone?
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self.Anxiety
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It feels like I let myself down. When I graduated high school, my intention was to go to college and become a certified Paramedic/EMT.
Instead, I started smoking marijuana and working full-time for next to nothing pay. Now I don't know if I'm willing to give up mmj/ the occasional acid drop to pursue an actual career.
That alone makes me feel shitty. But when you have piercings, tattoos, like casually doing drugs on the weekend and your hair is the color of a rainbow, how do you find a job that takes you seriously? I'm not even 21 yet. I don't drink. I don't do crazy stuff. I literally just like getting high. I'm responsible, pay my bills on time, and worry way too much about my future.
Why can't I find an employer who can look past ME? I'm talented, skilled, fast-paced and a great learner. I bet I would make a great paramedic. But now I don't have the confidence or the means.
I know this is stupid.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know how to deal with me. For about 2 years now, I think of ending my life multiple times a day. The way I think about killing myself varies. I don't know exactly how the thoughts started. Everything I do, I think of how much of a moron I am. I constantly think of how much I hate myself, and how no one loves me. I know that adults with ADHD have a high chance of depression and suicidal thoughts. I want to seek help. But I can't afford a therapist and my insurance won't cover it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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The more I think about it, the more I think some people just weren't meant to be here. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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