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What is happening to me? **MULTIPLE TRIGGER WARNING**: *Please read my post only if you're in a safe frame of mind. I don't want anybody getting affected on account of me. I have been talking to friends, work superiors and my counselor, but I still went to a horrible place today. If you have any bits of advice, support or anything nice, please throw it my way.*
Hi, I'm 24 and I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 a while ago. I think I've relapsed again, this past week. What I do know is that my mind is beginning to slip again, as it has done before. What I don't know is what this even is.
I have no motivation to work or get out of bed every day, which is depression? I have panic attacks almost everyday now, and they're getting stronger. Also, today something new happened. The last time I was suicidal, there was a lot of fear and anger and upset. I knew I wanted to do it to escape everything. I never did it though because I was scared I might be hasty when there's still hope. But today, it felt different- as though I've accepted that death is the only way I can get some stability. It's a little hard to describe because it felt as though part of my mind was not my own anymore and that it was telling me that I will find solace in death. **I am not suicidal at the moment, however. The thoughts have past for now**.
The strange thing about this entire multiple-day episode is that it feels disrupted and I can't tell what is happening to me. My appetite fluctuates wildly and my sleep cycle is the worst it has been in months. I usually only get like this when I'm manic. I'm also becoming forgetful and things in my head feel clouded, if that makes sense. My thoughts race and I sometimes want to conquer everything, but at the same time I'm exhausted and lack any drive.
What is happening to me? Could this be rapid cycling/ a mixed episode/ something else altogether? I'm meeting with my therapist this weekend so I will be receiving professional help also. I want to go to my session with some leads though, so I can get help before I do anything stupid. Please help!
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self.bipolar
|
Honestly having my mind blown right now Stumbled upon this sub through a series of links in comments on another post. I did my usual new subreddit routine of looking at the top of all time to see what the best posts were like. About 7/10 of the top posts were word for word thoughts I have almost daily. It was really surreal to see so many people had practically the exact same thoughts as me.
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self.depression
|
Today is the day Not that anyone gives a shit but let's all hope I can do this shit later
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Trouble sleeping over at partner’s houses? For as long as I remember, I’ve had issues sleeping. I’ve gotten it mostly under control when I’m in my own bed, but when I’m sleeping in a bed with someone else (romantic partner or non-romantic), I seem to have issues. I end up not sleeping at all, and end up like a zombie the next day.
I know it’s all psychological, like “oh no I won’t be comfy because ______ is not exactly right” or something like that, but I’m not sure how to get past it! And I know it’s nothing to do with the other person— It’s like I have to have control over everything, but I can’t in these situations.
Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome this (Non-medication tips please, trust me I have tried all the sleeping drugs lol).
I need to be able to let go of my anxieties, and get some GD sleep while cuddling with my loved ones! Thanks for the help in advance!
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self.Anxiety
|
Would have done it already if it weren’t such a gigantic cop-out 20-something M, few months into a job after graduating professional school, failing professional exam.
I think that the main reason I failed was self-sabotage, and was going strong/confident for a couple weeks after I got failure results back. Goodwill has dried up though and I think this is the closest I’ve ever been to actually being done with everything.
I feel like suicide isn’t an option, though, because of the chaos it throws everybody else into. It feels like such a selfish cop-out, but that fact is literally the only thing keeping me from doing it.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a cycle where I enter a new phase of my life, be optimistic for the first couple of years, fall into a pattern of apathy about where I’m at, get into awful depressive slump, bide time until next opportunity comes up.
This is the end of the cycle though. I’m locked in to my situation for the next few years, with no foreseeable end coming up. I started this phase off fairly horribly, and I can feel the end of the runway here getting closer and closer. Lately I have been able to suppress those thoughts for the most part but everything seems to be creeping up on me. I have always held fairly firmly to the idea that suicide was not an option simply because whatever problems it ends for me, it creates tenfold for everybody else around me, but I can feel my brain getting really close to that line.
How does everybody else deal with getting close to that edge? Is there some way you hit the reset button on everything? I’ve never felt able to lean on friends or family about any of this because the response is always puzzled and/or shocked and it always makes me regret having ever opened up about it. I consider myself a pretty analytical person and right now I feel like the only path forward is doing things as I’ve always done, but the problem is inching ever closer to that state of mind where I feel like it’s time to just get it over with.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just feel like my husband has fallen out of love [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Ramblings of a suicidal man I want to die. To fall asleep and never wake up. To fall headlong into the abyss of my dreams where there is no one for me to hurt and no one to hurt me. I want a fortune teller to drop her crystal ball and cry for the tragedy of a young death and turn to hold her children close before they turn to dust in her arms. I want to apologize for what I've done and be apologized to for what's been done to me. I want to feel the love of my parents just once. I want to stop the bleeding but all that I have is broken glass and memories of bandaids with smiling little stickers.
In the end I can choose to die or not die but I'm tired of being hurt by my own mind and I'm tired of watching myself ruin my life and I'm tired of seeing myself drive my friends away and I'm tired of not being ready for death. Every morning it's a struggle to get out of bed and every afternoon it's a struggle to eat and every night it's a struggle to hurt myself and every second it's a struggle to stop breathing in and only breathe out.
For 3 years. It's not a long time but it's enough time. Every moment of those 3 years has culminated into a grand total of nothing, with this spiteful mind of mine fighting tooth and nail with this selfless mind of mine and now both of them are just battered to hell and so fucking tired.
Why push a boulder up a mountain when the chasm eating at my heels is calling me by name? Is this a suicide note? I might never know.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Bipolar female in search of a fucking clue I have many identities, small boxes I have fit myself into for the benefit of explaining myself to others. I was always confident in many of those identities, but the one I just can not seem to accept is Bipolar. Being diagnosed bipolar 2 my LAST year in the never ending pit of debt known as college has been the icing on the cake. I am navigating this for the first time and coping with the stereotypes that come with it, but how is everyone else doing it? How do I make sure people know that I am NOT bipolar, but instead that I HAVE bipolar? How has this impacted your relationships (romantic/friendships/family)? Really looking for any advice so that my head does not explode.
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self.bipolar
|
How soon to start looking for a new job? Or should I? I've recently started a new job at a movie theater, and things are pretty dicey. The work's not bad, nothing too taxing, but it's caused me to have two panic attacks already. The thing is, I ended two similar jobs for the same reason, and I don't really like the idea of quitting another one. Some advice on what to do would be extremely helpful.
|
self.Anxiety
|
anxiety/ptsd freakout last night So last night I was driving home with my boyfriend, listening to Pentatonix's Christmas albums, and "Hallelujah" comes on next. I immediately am chilled to the core because even though I **love** this song, it was also played at the funeral of my fiancé after he died. I got really quiet, and BF asked if I was ok. I told him briefly about why I turned it off and told him I wasn't emotionally able to handle hearing it.
As we drove the rest of the drive home, about 10 minutes or so, I could feel myself getting more and more tense, but I managed to stay reasonably calm. I pull in and park, grab our shopping bags and head into the apartment, but as soon as I am inside I drop the bags and go into the bedroom and close the door because I can feel the panic attack about to hit.
I bury my head in a pillow and try to just ride it out. My heart is pounding like crazy, I am hyperventilating, and just really struggling through. BF comes in to check on me and about the time I start feeling the panic attack wearing off, my grief/PTSD hits like a freight train, and I end up just laying there, crying. And not just crying, full-out **SOBBING**. Like I haven't cried this hard in a while.
BF tried to talk to me about what was going on once I finally managed to get calm again, but by that point I was just numb and exhausted.
I just needed to get this off my mind.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Guilt when people do nice things for me I can’t simply accept friendly gestures. I always feel guilty and horrible as if I have burdened anyone who does nice things for me. I can never move on quickly with a simple “thank you”, I dwell on things and drive myself crazy. I make myself feel bad and like I’m taking away from someone and making their life difficult. I’ll go out of my way to avoid favors being done for me. I’ll walk slow behind someone so they don’t feel obligated to hold the door open for me. If someone pours me a cup of coffee and says it’s for me I’ll second guess it and let the coffee go to waste because it surely couldn’t have been for me, I don’t deserve nice things or friendly gestures.
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self.Anxiety
|
Zero friends and even zero human contact I don't even know where to begin. I'm a 45 painfully average looking guy... and I'm a mess.
I've always been a mess and when I finally realized it in 2012 I had a complete mental breakdown to the point of having the belt around my neck and over the door at its worst.
Oh wait, probably getting addicted to heroin because of it was the worst. Actually the worst was realizing I completely fucked up my life. I wanted things in life and instead I completely wasted it locked in a house with
no friends at all and having very little human contact, instead getting my "human contact" on the internet on a daily basis.
When I broke, I literally went from being alone in my house for weeks at a time all the time to strong panic attacks if I was left in a room by myself for 2 mins. I went to multiple medical doctors and mental health pros and even suicide facilities in the middle of the night. Everyone of them made me feel worse about myself. They didn't understand my mental state. I mean how could they?
Problem is with no good friends to beg for help/support I had to grasp at anyone including co workers, acquaintances, people I barely knew. I HAD to be near someone. My brain was telling me I was going to die right there if I wasn't near someone. I cringe looking back at how pathetic I must have looked to most of the people I reached out to which is exactly one of the major reasons I can't look back to those people again now.
Just to add to the story I got way down on my list of people to cling to and ended up reconnecting with a guy from 20 years ago. His ex wife managed to get me hooked on opiates (oxy and heroin) "because it will help you feel better!". Well when you're a few days removed from having a belt around your neck ready to end it I can't say I was making good decisions.
Over the next couple years that woman (my new best friend! j/k) stole thousands of dollars from me since I had no other contacts to get that kind of stuff and I needed to literally be high 24/7. I managed to quit a number of years ago but I know a relapse could happen any day with my situation. (part of the reason I'm here). I have also resorted to
smoking weed literally 24/7 just to try to escape from this terrible self inflicted reality.
Yes I'm a mess.
Another person I grovelled to was a co worker I barely knew.
His wife wanted to help (and I actually felt loved and cared by her for that very short period of time) and hooked me up with a friend of hers.
Problem was the woman was absolutely terrible for me yet I still obviously started a relationship with her because I literally couldn't be in a room by myself. I wasn't even attracted to her and she knew it but she needed someone just as much as I did. I do feel to this day really taken advantage of. She knew my story and that I was suicidal and obviously mentally unstable and that I wasn't even attracted to her but I know she needed someone desperately as well.
Spent almost 3 years in that toxic relationship including her just destroying my once beautiful home i made in hopes for a family one day. I put on a lot of weight..and the relationship
finally ended 3 years ago. I literally went back to having no one but now had the bonus of a living in a house that looked like it was neglected for 10 years. I haven't had anyone in my house for the last 3 years.
Dont forget needing to smoke weed 24/7 or i'd probably put a bullet in my head right now.
Here's why I just typed all of that.
Over the last year for some reason I decided to seriously give life one last shot. I decided I needed to fix my health, become financially wealthy so i could retire from my career i grew to hate, and third and most important find a partner and maybe a friend.
Ive lost a lot of weight this year. I also found cryptocurrencies/bitcoin and have been investing heavily and realize I'm on the edge
of being able to quit the job I hate.
Only problem is..the 4-12 days a month I work is the ONLY HUMAN CONTACT I have.
I literally just went 11 days over the holidays not seeing or even hearing a human face/voice. It was an incredibly
lonely time. Sad thing is I worked 1 day yesterday and now I have 9 more days at home alone right after the last 11 days.
So my problem is I want nothing more than to quit my job. I hate it. I dont like the people but once again
they are the only people I even have ANY kind of relationship with.
Now I question if I really can quit that job, who by the way I've been telling a lot of them I was getting ready to quit soon so I'll look like the fool if I stick around and hate it even more. I realize though if I give it up I'll literally be spending months
in my house with no human contact at a time.
While I know I'm obviously fucked up beyond words I do know I'm actually pretty normal if I could just figure out
the solution here, how to fix my life. If someone said.."oh just go to a meet up". I think they might not fully understand a guys wiring who has zero friends. I think i'd do fine once the ice was broke and I could actually see the person wants to talk to me but getting to that stage is pretty hard.
I'm not sure what I'm asking here guys. I just needed to tell someone my story. You guys are literally all i have.
If you have any ideas i'd love to here them. Also important to note, if the bitcoin stuff continues going up Im in a position to be making millions. Point is.. Cost isn't a factor on how to fix my life.
I have no one that loves me and all I want is loved. I'm pretty sure this isn't going to end well for me.
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self.depression
|
nobody is there to help me I just need someone to talk to, everyone is too busy, I feel so irrelevant and alone. I've not left the house for days, I just want some human interaction. I feel awful
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self.depression
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I used to have pretty bad social anxiety, but i'm a lot better now. I'm still pretty depressed though, however, I think I've been banned from r/depression. I used to have pretty bad anxiety. It started when I was a senior in high school, I couldn't stand to sit in classes. I started having panic attacks. I failed my way through college for about two years before dropping out. I couldn't stay in the classes. I would drink a lot so I could go. I would distract everyone by "popping" my lips (whatever you want to call it, making a popping sound with my mouth, to let out nervous tension, i would do it so much that my teeth would dig into my lips and make them bleed) and so I just stopped going. I started taking online classes, and I brought my GPA up to 3.45~.
About five years later though, I'm doing a hell of a lot better. I've had some decent sexual encounters, I can go grocery shopping without panicking, I can go out in public without panicking. Just go out there and embarrass yourself, and fail over and over again. Eventually you'll stop caring and your anxiety will fade. At least, that worked for me. I started going for very long walks (sometimes like 20+ miles) people will talk shit about you, and it won't matter.
I'm pretty drunk right now, sorry if any of this sounds weird. I'm kind of confused and lost about being banned from r/depression. It's like, that's a place to talk about depression that I can't access, and a huge part of being depressed is being isolated. I don't even think I've been outright banned, but "shadow" banned, or whatever.
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self.Anxiety
|
Spoon Theory Has anyone ever heard of the "Spoon Theory"? I found it the only way to explain to my girlfriend how my depression works. My parents don't understand (feel like that might take some time) but she does. Here's a link to an article. https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
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self.depression
|
Germofobe or not. So been here lurking for a while. And hope you guys find your peace in life. As for me I've never posted before. I know I won't kill myself because I believe in God. Plus I love my family way too much. But, I think about it constantly. Especially when I drive I want to drive off the cliff. I have tried for many years to fix what I think is wrong with me. I'm not sure if I'm mentally I'll or sane. I think I have a terrible contagious illness no one can diagnose. Everyone i know in my past knows this about me ,i told them i guess ,to see if they have the same sympthoms or maybe to see if they thought the same as me.some just think I want attention some try to be supportive. It's kinda opposite of a germofobe. I try not to kiss or touch people except my husband because I feel like this. It started years back I actually went in the drs office when I got the flu than just started thinking like this. I kept going in to clinic explaining what was going on in my head I was so embarrassingly dramatic because I really felt this way and thought I was saving my family and friends. They started asking me if I wash my hands too much thinking I'm OCD put me on depression pills and sent me on my way. I went in by myself a couple more times than started bringing friends and my mom because I felt like the drs thought I was mental. My mom begged them to help me because I was spending too much money on the drs and couldn't afford it.Also told all my friends how I felt... Never ever do this if by chance you sound mental. So many people you think are your friends aren't they will gossip about you being crazy.had one friend tell a guy interested in me I was crazy.. I was mortified so I started going to drs with symptoms instead of sounding mental I really wanted to be taken seriously. And not making a big scene because that didn't work for me.I was always really calm went to drs thinking maybe this will be the time where they figure out what's wrong. But nope. Same shit. So finally I'm moving on with life got a career and family of my own I explained to my husband before marrying how I was and he has been my angel ever since. I still go to the drs maybe 6 times a year.I still worry so much. When people get sick doesn't matter what it is ilI feel like I caused it.i have no idea why I think like this.But the guilt of not being able to stop it has stopped my life where I feel like I have to get to the bottom of it again and again.sometimes I don't have the sympthom they have which I know makes no sense.i have told my Dr how I felt and shit going on in my head. I know he means well.. and would never blame a Dr for not knowing but I just don't know anymore. He schedules things that I don't even complain about like a sleep study. I never complained of sleeping...my husband says I'm a drs dream patient because I will shell out money.Im so adimit about not being mental that I am starting to believe I am. I've tried so many times and wasted our money. It's gotten so bad my family has been checking up on me like I'm a kid . And i can't seem to hold a job. I research anything and everything i can. My husband has been very supportive so has my family. I am truly the luckiest girl but can't shake this. I feel like people at work hear about me and start treating me diffrent. Sometimes I feel like they try to sabatoge my work. I am overly nice because I feel like this 24-7 even when people are being dicks. I have no fucking clue what's going on in my head. Only one friend kinda believes me I think but the same girl told people I was crazy. No one has come up to me and flat out said that it's real. My family encouraged me to see a psychologist so I'm going to. If I do see a pychologist I fear I won't be able to help anyone and no one will take me seriously anymore. I do still feel sane. But I know it's affecting me greatly.Any advice would be appreciated.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't feel suicidal. Just empty inside. My parents think I'm lazy and tired. They don't understand what it's like to not have motivation to do anything. I don't enjoy anything these days and my anxiety is at an all time high. Are those people laughing at me? Do I look stupid? I just want someone to really care. I just feel so empty all the time and I hate it. I should be enjoying my high school days with my friends but I just don't
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self.depression
|
A long time lurker, realizing I need to connect with people. Alone on Christmas, I was actually looking forward to it but I decided not to text anyone Merry Christmas.
I have a small handful of acquaintances that I usually text holiday greetings to and I realized that I’m always the one to initiate. I decided to see if anyone would text me today but no one did.
My depression and social anxiety have become so overwhelming. I’m not exactly doing anything to improve my situation.
I just decided to make this account so I can maybe start sharing and reaching anonymously.
I’m dreading work tomorrow with a bunch of people I hate asking me how my Christmas was. How do you all usually deal with that?
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self.depression
|
Emotionallly distant from parents anyone else have parents who love you but you guys barely talk? like so many of my friends see their parents as their ultimate confidant and best friend, but I’ve never felt that way. I can’t bring myself to be personal with them
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self.depression
|
i don't want to die, but i don't want to live anymore [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What leads you towards depressive episodes? (Places, people, etc.) This is not to discount that depression is a mood disorder...but what relationships in the physical world do you have that are reminiscent of depressive episodes?
Is it a room from an old home? Hometown? An ex lover or best friend, maybe family member? A song you have purposefully avoided for a long time?
For me, my first childhome that my dad stills lives in reminds me of a lot of dark times. I’ve lived in this place since around 6 yrs old and am now 22. I travel between here, my mom’s, and other temp housing as a college student. I think I need to paint the walls and move furniture around my room. Change the atmosphere. I’m trying to take control. Thinking about my ex also bums me out after years but I’ve made progress in moving on. I spiraled into bad turmoil after we split it off. Songs that kill my mood include I’d Rather Go Blind and Are You Lonesome Tonight.
So what brings you to bittersweet moments that remind you of self sabotage and mood instability? What helps you break away from it?
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self.depression
|
If a person you once knew commited suicide, and if you knew that he did and knew the reasons for it, you would definitely blame yourself for letting that happen, would you want to know anyway? Well, how do I begin...
I should say that to an outsider, I might not seem all that depressed or suicidal, and that unlike most people here, I don't really have a reason to try and commit suicide. On the outside I might seem incredibly lucky and not caring, a funny guy with some popular opinions, some unpopular opinions, no health problems, or any other problems, with a cool circle of friends, etc
I was born in Russia, and lived there for 18 years out of my current almost 20, and I consider my nationality to be Russian (although not exactly). Right now I moved to university in France, something very few people can afford. Here I might not exactly have a lot of problems, but I feel incredibly lonely, I feel like not fulfilling what I should and I feel not interesting to the French people to talk to, I also find my appearance to be repulsing, etc. I really want to feel needed by somebody, to not feel like people want to abuse me into doing something, but feel that I really make someone happy, feel like someone truly needs me for what I am, not what they can make me do.
Almost 4 years ago I met a girl, and we were talking for the whole New Year's Eve. She turned out to be not romantically interested, but decided to remain friends after I opened up to her, and I... Oh well, interested I was. Very was. And still am. She was (and still is) just... Perfect. Perfect appearance, perfect voice, perfect personality. And... Well, after that she moved to the other side of the world, and then I moved even farther from her, and so right now even if anyone was interested doing something would be incredibly, like, incredibly hard. For the past 4 years we were talking to each other on and off, but I never quite forgot her.
Right now I feel like I don't want to live without her, ever. That even if I somehow managed to, I would never be truly happy. Would never feel truly safe from being turned down at any moment. I have almost decided now that the best thing for me would be to end this cringe comedy. And... I don't know. Do I want that? Is it really true? Is this happening to me?
I don't know whether I want help with these thoughts for myself or just to know whether I should tell her what's happenning. She once knew I was suicidal, I was (unknowingly and pathetically) trying to manipulate her. I don't know whether me just saying that I want to be left alone would help her forget me, whether she will remember that I was suicidal, try to contact me and fail, and never have closure of what happenned to me, whether she will simply forget, or whether, before going out, I should write to her and explain what I want to do, apologise for doing that and say that I love her and will never forget her and, if the afterlife is true, I will always stay by her side? Will she blame herself for letting me do that for her entire life, even though nothing she could do would prevent that? I don't want to do THAT to her - in fact, I only want her to be happy...
Thanks for reading this mess.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Me and everyone like me should be fucking eradicated I have treatment resistant depression and it's made me into worthless scum, I can't be fixed, I know it, everyone knows it, I'm utter scum and should have a bullet put in my head. That's what reddit wants, right? I know this website wants me to die, it's why they attack me whenever I actually do seek help, it's why I'm filled with hatred and guilt all the time. This website ruined my life...
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self.depression
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My Friend Has Social Anxiety and I'm Taking Him Out in a Week...Help? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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This wasn't originally intended for Reddit- my coming out about my struggle with mental illness, to be released to select friends and family [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Experiences with alcohol? I've found myself wanting to have some daily this past week or so. I know alcohol is a "depressant", but does it actually harm your brain chemistry in the long term or is there just a correlation between alcoholism and fucking up your priorities and relationships and whatever?
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self.depression
|
[NAW] Let me go If you are just going to keep wasting my time with empty promises.. just let me go..
I have tried 3 times to end this. Trying to make it easy on us. There is a lot i want to say but I know you won't listen.. so I just wanted to cut the ties and walk away. I don't need to burn the bridge, destroy the house like I used to..
But you won't let me walk away. There is always some big apology but these are just empty words with no weight behind them because you still can't meet me halfway.. i told you we could see how it goes meaning we are supposed to hang out in person at some point but that was a month ago...
There is someone else who is giving me the attention and affection I want. But things are too messy to even entertain it seriously.
If we aren't gonna hang out, we haven't had sex since May, and we barely talk, why won't you let me be free, please?
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self.offmychest
|
Relationship issues keeping me up I have had several days over the past two weeks where I am spending nights awake trying not to feel depressed from arguments that my SO and I are are having. I feel like I am going to lose my mind.
We are in therapy and I have recently quit drinking. We are trying to be better, but have a hard time. He has a lot of ways of life that I was not raised with, but he expects me to adopt. I value what he wants and try to accommodate but I am worried. I am sad and feel alone at times.
Including today (4/13), I have to work over the next six days. I have no idea how I am going to do that and function "normally".
Part of me is afraid to sleep but another part is tired of these nights. It takes effort to sleep when stressed and I am spent on having to do that. Any advice?
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self.bipolar
|
Request for tips to be less nervous about making phone calls So some context first, I have to make a phone call to my bank to get an issue sorted out. It's kind of urgent and it's annoying me that this fear is preventing me from getting this over and done with and moving on with my life.
I'm nervous about making this phone call and I was hoping that you guys can give me some tips to help me overcome this fear. Thank you.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Out of options It's been a little over three years since I went to therapy for the first time. Straight away they diagnosed me with severe depression, anxiety, and social anxiety. Suicidal thoughts. Since then I've been going from clinic to clinic, getting sent to another place because they were supposed to be better equipped to help me.
Recently I had a meeting with the doctor and the nurse, who had been in charge of my care at the latest clinic. They told me that they wanted to cut me loose. That they didn't have the means to help me, because I refused to talk to them about my problems. Which is a valid point of course, because I have severe trust issues. Sharing personal things is very hard for me, which is why I don't talk about my mental issues with anyone (except when I'm hiding behind a username, apparently.) This place was my last option for treatment where I live. I really wish there was some kind of organization that could help me with such mental issues.
I just don't know what to do now. Before I sought help from therapy, I tried to get rid of depression on my own, and I couldn't. And now the therapy option seems to be spent, so I'm kind of out of options.
How am I even supposed to feel about essentially getting kicked out from a mental health clinic? I mean it just feels so fucking odd. I didn't imagine they could do that. Especially since the symptoms have only gotten worse and there is no other place to turn to. It feels like they hated having me there. I have to be literal garbage, right? I mean, none of my peers, parents or family, or now even paid professionals want anything to do with me.
I tried. But even the professionals gave up. What chance do I have on my own? There just doesn't seem to be any other option than to kill myself.
And you know what actually makes me angry about all this? At the end of the meeting, the doctor told me to get help if the suicidal thoughts ever came back.
They were never gone, and I had told her that.
And why would I ever go back if they have no way to help?
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self.depression
|
Seroquel? Lithium Orotate? Just started it for sleep and as mood stabilizer. Only on 25-50 mg so far but it takes forever to put me to sleep Like 3 hrs. then I sleep late and have weird dreams. There’s no way I can take that and get up at 6 for work. Anybody else experience this? Also, anybody use lithium orotate OTC as mood stabilizer? It seems to be helping my daughter a good bit but she’s not on other prescription meds.
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self.bipolar
|
I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
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self.depression
|
Goodbye everyone. I'm off to sleep now. Hope to never wake up again. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Weighted blanket. Worth it? I have been reading a lot about weighted blankets and the comfort they provide. Any experiences? Is it worth it since it would be pretty price for my king bed
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self.Anxiety
|
True love does not exist I have completely given up on finding true love. Every time I fall in love I’m either cheated on, told to go kill myself, or told I’m never going to be good enough for that specific person. My last relationship completely broke me and I’ve been single for awhile now, been trying dating sites and all I get is guys that want to just smash and pass. I go out to parties sometimes and all guys want to do is smash. Guys are honestly disgusting and only think with their dick. I’m tired of feeling like I’m just never going to find anyone that will truly have the patience, courage, and right mindset to actually love all of me. I just want someone to love and care for and I want someone to do the same with me as well. I have such a big soft heart and it always gets me hurt. I want to be able to believe in true love but I just don’t know if it really exists anymore.
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self.offmychest
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Don't know what I am doing posting here I come posting here because I don't really know where else to go. I'm not comfortable using the phone hotlines. I've been on my antidepressant medication for a few months now and it doesn't seem to be making the suicidal thoughts go away, or at least go away completely. This is one of those nights where the thoughts are strong. This has been a pretty bad year for me as well. I feel like a burden on my family as well as a disappointment and a failure. I was hoping the pills would help. It seems in this area they are not and it's making me dejected.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Even when I show/Tell someone i care about them i'm still ignored [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don't want to be depressed, I really don't... [deleted]
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self.depression
|
How to not think too much when staying at home alone? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I know that I need to take medication to live, and knowing that makes me hate myself even more. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
every time i feel happiness it seems to get ripped away from me does anyone try so hard to get better but something happens that just knocks you back to square one? it seems like things get better only for everything to come crashing down and leaving me off 10x more worse than i was before. if something comes into your life that makes you feel genuine happiness you cling to that like your life depends on it only for it to disappear in the blink of an eye. you’ll continue to cling to it when it’s gone and it’ll plague your mind. i’d go into detail but it’d just be too long winded but someone who felt like home recently left me and i can’t stop clinging onto the memories even though they’re painful now.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone feel like they want the pity? You know, it's like, the last thing you want to feel when depressed is knowing the world only pities you.
 
But you really want to recount every shitty event in your life to them
 
But you don't want to feel like you're being overbearing to people
 
But you want everyone to know that growing up, your life was abnormal and traumatizing
 
But you get lapses of clarity and positivity, and your life feels fine for a moment
 
But you don't want to get over it because you feel like the world owes something to you, for enduring it
That people should pay attention to you because the shit that you went through is part of your identity
That you deserve something for for your stunted teenage growth that you can't get back
That it's not fair you couldn't finish college or hold down a job in your adult years now because of how troubled you are
 
But you want to be a better person, leave it in the past, and look forward
 
But you want the pity.
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self.depression
|
Next generation I had another positive thought today.
It appears that my step-children aren't fucking up their lives anywhere near as much as I have fucked up mine. So when viewed over multiple generations, I am making progress.
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self.depression
|
When someone causes my anxiety to spike I seriously considering physically hurting them I want them to feel the pain I feel. I know it's not right (and illegal) so I obviously wouldn't do it, but as bjj black belt I know I could break 99% of these people in half
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self.Anxiety
|
I was the stable one! Huge blow up Saturday bt my hubs and our best friends. He’s stressed and overloaded bc of my swings and they’re weaning off their lexapro. Talk about a perfect storm! Who’d have ever thought I’d be the one the work everybody through it and restore balance to the force?!?!
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self.bipolar
|
Very Soon Probably going to do the (((((stupid thing))))) very soon. This weekend I'm going to have access to a handle of vodka. Now, even if I manage to drink the entire handle, the alcohol poisoning isn't guaranteed to kill me. So, I might slit my wrists the long way, but that's not really a guaranteed thing either. So, if I'm still conscious, I'll have to go find a secluded cliff or something to jump off of so no one has to clean up my body. God, I just hate myself. So. Much. My anti-social tendencies, low self-esteem, my attraction to a type of person that literally doesn't fucking exist, literally fucking everything. I used to be something. Had decent grades, was decent at swimming, people told me I could go to any school in the country if I wanted to. My mom would just parade me around to her friends because I was so "smart". "Oh, my 2nd grader knows how to spell sarcophagus, he's so smart! xddddddd" I'm not strong enough to change. I'm a weak-willed, weak-bodied piece of shit who will literally never amount to anything. I probably don't even have the spine to kill myself either, and I'm just making this empty threat to internet strangers as a subconscious scream for help. Maybe I'm just venting my thoughts for once just because I might not have a lot of time to start speaking up (this isn't really speaking up but whatever). I just wish I could never have existed, never have had an impact on people's lives, never have been a financial burden on my family, and never worried anyone with my suicidal tendencies. I don't want help, I want to not exist. i want to fucking scream. Just realized that this is going to get deleted because I explained how I'd do it, but whatever. I don't ever say anything anyways, so it'll just be like usual where nothing I say matters. Go ahead and delete this mods, please
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self.SuicideWatch
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I haven't ate in three fucking days. My family couldn't care less about me. I'm just nonexistent to them. They punish me because of my depression. I just want to kill myself. I just want this pain to end. Please.
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self.depression
|
DANDRUFF FUCK DANDRUFF
FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT DANDRUFF
FUCK THE FACT THAT I CANT MAKE IT GO AWAY NO MATTER HOW SHORT I CUT MY HAIR OR HOW MANY TYPES OF SHAMPOO I USE
FUCK HOW IT FUCKING COMES DOWN AS A WATERFALL IF I DO SO MUCH AS FUCKING TAKE OFF MY SHIRT
FUCK
DAND
RUFF
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self.offmychest
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I percieve myself as incompetent/far below average This is a rant, just something thats been eating at me lately. Since i lost a close friend years ago ive been unable to really connect with people. Ive always been rather dim witted and shy but i see a steep decline in how i socially interact with people. Its as if theres a lot missing, its hard to cognitivly think of messages i want to convey. Im not blind to others awareness of my lack of intellect and mistakes i make in trying to conversate with others. I see it in there eyes or their dismisal of my social/ lack of intelect of hiccups. Typically they are aware and give an acceptance on just how downright retarded i am. Ive really tried not to dwell over spilled milk but seeing the same gross traits i see in myself day after day is tiresome.
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self.depression
|
Any advice for overthinking and worrying? Any meds that don't Make you feel lethargic idk it's effecting my performance at work.
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self.Anxiety
|
Abilify? I got off my latuda because I hated how much I slept on it but it worked well otherwise. I got prescribed Abilify today and am super super scared for some reason. I've fallen into the dark whole of the web where I'm reading every post about it online and there are so many different bad side effects but especially the weight gain. I've gained so much in college as it is that if I gained even 10 more I could not go on with my life. I'm probably just dramatic but how I feel about myself and my self esteem is super important to me. Any good stories on it that will make me feel better?
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self.bipolar
|
Melancholy This feeling never goes away smh..what's the point in living..if there's no point?? Life is horrible, I'm a waste of space, no one gives a fukk about me.. real shit , I have no friends, I hate people, I hate leaving my house, can't get mental help with no medical insurance..even when I do ..it doesn't work smfh, there's literally no point anymore..like why? I was supposed to kill myself on my birthday but I didn't..really wish I would've..
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Self destructing I keep ruining friendships and getting in fights until I'm alone and miserable and I don't know why I'm such a piece of shit but I can't keep living like this I won't do it anymore I'm fucking done with my own stupid shit that I've been doing for years and can't change I'm so fucking useless and such a fucking cunt to everyone I'm done.
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self.SuicideWatch
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It is 2:05am. instead of sleeping, i am lurking on different reddits for anxiety and depression Hello :)
I have social anxiety disorder, GAD, PTSD, panic disorder, clinical major depression, and mild health anxiety. I also suffer from debilitating aura migraines, chronic thoracic spine pain, severe overpronation, knock knees, hypothyroidism, and acid reflux. On the bright side, no [known] allergies!
I have had a lot of issues sleeping recently. Barring a few episodes of horrifying sleep paralysis and overwhelming episodes of anxiety, I seem to be affected by some odd stomach lurching problem that only appears when I sleep on my side or on my back. I am used to the butterfly feeling during anxiety or panic attacks, but the position-contingent spasms I experience while trying to sleep are new! There doesn't seem to be any issues if I sleep on my back, but my favourite position is my side. I try to suppress it, but the lurch is overpowering, and it keeps occurring until I shift onto my stomach. I thought it was the acid reflux, but I have been on medication for that for over a month. My reflux symptoms have subsided, and the lurching still occurs.
Does anyone else experience this? Maybe it is anxiety-related, too, and I am none the wiser. I have noticed more physiological signs of my anxiety when I am psychologically unaware of it building up: teeth grinding, jaw clenching while sleeping, tensed shoulders... then of course, I have things to do tomorrow and I am lurking on boards about health instead of at least *trying* to sleep.
I'm feeling a bit glad to have joined this subreddit, though. I don't have [m]any support systems in my environment. Relating to others might assist me, especially in more trying times.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't know what to do, but I'm just done... The last and only person that gave a crap about me and that was there for me every time, stopped caring about me the moment she got in a relationship. We were best friends for multiple years, and things started to look good again, I was able to enjoy life. But the moment she got in that relationship, she was just... Gone... It's only been a month, and we beraly talk or see each other. And every time we do, she's just not enjoying it herself anymore. I feel useless and I just want to end my life. I'm done. The last person i cared for and that cared for me is just gone...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Bipolar II - Just Diagnosed - Any advice? Hi all - new to reddit and new to bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II about two months ago. Finding the correct medication has been a nightmare and led to extreme depression. I truly don’t feel like anyone understands and I’m not sure how to explain it to my husband. We’ve been arguing and I’m losing my mind.
Does it get better?
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self.bipolar
|
The only time I've been glad to have anxiety [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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It hurts so much, I want to end it and I have enough pills to do so [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel so alone It feels so lonely when you think nobody truly cares about you.
When I disappear for days/weeks nobody seems to notice or even care to ask if I'm ok. Even the ones that know that I'm suicidal.
It hurts knowing that people wouldn't even care to notice until it's too late and I'm already dead.
I feel so alone and I'm not sure if I have many reason left to keep going on...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Gun is loaded time to die so i'm in some woody area now my gun is loaded with a silencer
i got a friend here to bury me. But whatever i'm just letting you guys know someone is dead bye
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why does anyone want to live? I've been depressed since I can remember, maybe since birth. I hate myself and life as much as ever these days, and it's hard to get out of bed or eat or anything. I have no one to talk to about this anymore. The suicide hotline has lost its novelty, I've used it so much. My friends are busy working or dating or are busy with their marriage or their children, and I wouldn't want to bother them with my bs anyway. My family loves me, but that means nothing to me. Honestly it confuses me more than anything else. I have a question though.. Why do people seem to believe that life is worth living?
When I hear about people going through immense hardship, I always wonder "Why? What's the point? What makes you think that life is worthwhile, or worth any amount of grief or stress?" I think I was around 6 or 7 when I first asked my mom why people are afraid to die. It's never made sense to me. It still doesn't. When I reach out to someone, and their response is along the lines of "it could be worse," I know they don't understand the sentiment (as snotty as that sounds) Life being worse is not possible. I don't view life on a scale of 1-10, more as a simple "yes or no." Therefore, my life cannot get worse because it has no value already. If asked how good my life is, even on a scale of 1-10, my answer would be "No."
Sorry for the rant, but I would like to hear some people's answers. Not so much what motivates you personally, but what you think creates this want to live for most people. Why doesn't everyone want to die? Why would anyone want to be alive?
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else feel too anxious to post on Reddit? I feel like I’m alone here. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Can anyone point me to a sub for getting out an abusive relationship [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’ve realized I’m a waste. I am not a person I respect. I serve no function or have any intrinsic value. If another had been given life instead their contribution would be considerably more valuable. I am an abomination of consciousness that distorts the essence of being. My mutation is abhorrent and should be cleansed. My mark on humanity is a twisted growth uprooting the tree from which it was born. The void is where I should have stayed.
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self.bipolar
|
What behaviors do you engage in when you're hypomanic? How does your hypomania manifest?
If someone were to engage obsessively in certain behaviors for 3-7 days at a time, and then have little to no interest in those activities again for months, does that sound like hypomania? Thanks.
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self.bipolar
|
What meds are you using? Hey everyone, sorry I am kinda new here, I tried to check if anyone had this title, couldn't see or missed it. I got Bipolar I.
I am just curious what everyone is using.
Here is mine.
400mg Lamotrigine
4mg * 2 Edronax
0.5mg Ativan
10mg Brintellix
And one more question... I was a heavy drinker before I started taking Brintellix and Edronax. Right now I cannot even enjoy a glass of wine. I throw up in the morning and feel depressed for days.. Does anyone have the same issue? It's not that I want to be a heavy drinker again, I am just curious.
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone else feeling cold all the time? I'm generally always cold. Funny thing, I have fever once in a few years, and haven't had one in two years. Noticed it goes worse when I'm feeling sadder, or when I cry, or just when I get that horrible heavy feeling in my chest and throat. No matter how much I cover myself, I'm still feeling like nothing could ever warm me up. Just as if I was a cold, half-dead body that is still walking.
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self.depression
|
Can’t stop daydreaming, and it is leading to me being depressed. I don’t know whether this is the most appropriate subreddit to discuss this.
Essentially I have had this problem for all of my life where I find life is way better when I daydream about it than actually living it. It feels so good to spin around, dreaming about myself in some successful state, where I dream about how my life will play out as a movie and attempt to follow the plot as much in real life as possible.
Any task which stimulates imagination such as writing a book immediately gets me carried away for months on end where I dream of myself as a successful author who is wealthy, famous, and rich.
These daydreams have affected everything from my work, to friendships. I can’t socialise with friends anymore because it is much better for me to enter into my fantasy world. But now I can’t help myself, I must live my life in this fantasy.
I am depressed, angry, and helpless. Reality has sunk back in to me for the first time in months, and Facebook is empty, Reddit is a time wasting mine, and any prospects of living a normal life are out of the window.
I enjoy writing books in my spare time, but even that consumes me now as all I focus on is the fame and fortune I know I WILL receive in the future.
I am terrified and scared. These ego filled fantasies which have consumed me for all my life are eating away at my happiness and I don’t know what to do.
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self.depression
|
What are the primary chemicals in the brain that cause negative emotions I know that serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins are responsible for feelings of happiness, but which primary brain chemicals are responsible for negative feelings? Like sadness, anxiety, depression or any other feeling that could be described as a bad feeling. I tried googling but couldn’t get a clear answer, I know very little about the brain
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self.depression
|
Grades are giving me depression. Trimester is almost over. I have F’s. I’ve never failed a class before, now is the worst time to do it. Next summer is packed, mission trips, vacations, family visits. If I attend summer school all of that is down the drain. My mom set me up in two classes to help me raise my grades so she is expecting good grades but I no matter what I do I can’t get myself to do the work or study hard enough. If I get under Cs my mom flips out, yells, calls me a failure. Can’t imagine the punishment for failing two classes. I have a week left and need to raise a 40% to a 60% or better. One of the classes that helps me just put me on probation for having too bad of grades and I need a parent signature, otherwise they will call her or the teacher will tell her at school. The only person I can talk to is the lady in the other class helping me because she understands. I already have some depression I think, but this is stressing me out and making it even worse. What do I do :(
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self.depression
|
I keep having psych ward flashbacks My days in the psych ward(s) were easily my most traumatic days. Anything from being sedated with a syringe to name calling from other patients, I’ve been absolutely tormented in psych wards and the memories stay with me. Just as I’m about to go to sleep, I get these awful flashbacks that make me want to cry. I’ve already told my boyfriend and therapist I just want some respite from them. Any advice?
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self.bipolar
|
Getting kicked out because of my cat I'm getting kicked out of my appartment by my flatmate because he can't stand my kitten and I refuse to get rid of her. I thought we were friends and trusted him to sign our lease, gullible idiot that I am. I've been doing so well lately, got a good internship, been on antidepressants and currently weaning off of them, and generally getting my shit together. Now I'm basically on the street in a city where I can't afford an appartment on my own and no flat share would take in the cat.
The best part? The stupid cat doesn't even like me very much. Never cared to be petted and mostly stays outside, but I'm still stuck with her and no one else wants her.
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self.depression
|
What can you do when death is your only comfort [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What if I'm afraid of being happy and what it entails? The effort. The failure. The persistence. The patience. I understand them all and I know they are what will make me better but what then? How will I know anything has happened? I think I need meds at this point but.. am I really so far off that I need that to aid in my happiness for possibly the rest of my life? That's fucking sucks. What happens when I'm happy? I'm so tired and exhausted at doing small things now, people who are happy tend to be able to do more without tiring out mentally. I don't see myself being able to do that. The thought of me being happy terrifies me because I absolutely have no understanding of what it will bring to my life. I don't want more responsibility, more effort that I have to give, more willingness, more motivation, more reason to live. I don't know how I will handle it even if I get there. Feel like a fucking coward.
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self.depression
|
I fucking need to die I can't take it anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm tired I'm tired of being in pain.
I'm tired of incessant exhaustion.
I'm tired of feeling powerless.
I'm tired of being miserable.
I'm tired of seeing happiness, but not feeling it.
I'm tired of complaining.
I'm sorry I keep bringing it up, but it's so hard not to talk about such a big part of my life, especially when I feel like it's killing me.
I'm sorry that I can never be 100% and that you have to look a second longer in my eyes after I've said "I'm okay" because you don't believe me. And you shouldn't.
I'm sorry that I'm constantly saying I'm dramatic, because I'm really not, but I feel so guilty to affect others with the pain of my life.
I'm sorry that I keep apologizing because everyone tells me not to say sorry over things that are not my fault, but I just feel it so deeply in my chest.
I'm just sorry. I'm sorry.
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self.offmychest
|
So, I'm new to the club. I don't quite know if this is a rant, an intro, advice or even allowed. Here I go!
I'm a mental health therapist who has been historically diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. However, past year things have gotten really really bad. My psychiatrist was NOT listening to me and kept upping my zoloft. So I fired him 2 weeks ago, got a new one last week, was diagnosed by the new one for the first time in my life with Bipolar.
The past week I've been started on Lithium and Seroquel.
The past week I've felt very alone, very manic, but finally for the first day as of today I have felt like... a bit normal.
Any overall, as vague as this sounds, advice would be lovely. (Hope this kind of post is allowed)
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self.bipolar
|
Driving away everyone I love or everyone that loves me. Help me, please. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Surgery On the 4th. I'm having a bit of a hard time because I am scheduled for laparoscopic surgery to remove a cyst from my ovary (possibly entire ovary) on the 4th of January. I have never had surgery before and the unknown creates so much anxiety for me. I am a mom of a 5 month old, and the thought of something bad happening to me terrifies me. My daughter needs me.
If you have had laparoscopic surgery before please tell me how "easy" it is. I can't hear that enough. I know it's a safer and less painful that other surgies (I'm actually a badass when it comes to pain) but this is my first surgery ever and I don't know what to expect.
Note: I am a stay at home mom so I don't have work to worry about, and husband has the week off to help with the baby.
|
self.Anxiety
|
All friends I have are assholes I have no chance of getting new ones and the ones I have cant be called friends
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self.depression
|
Dry mouth for the first time... I’m on lamictal and Wellbutrin. Normally,
No issues with dry mouth. Past few days I have. My wife says I’m showing signs of a manic episode. I don’t think so. But this dry mouth is not normal. Anybody else get dry mouth when a manic episode is on, or coming on?
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self.bipolar
|
Something in my med cocktail has been making me nauseous every day for a month or two I’m nauseous EVERY DAY, ALL DAY. I’ve been losing weight because of it. Do I go to Urgent Care? My pdoc won’t help and my PCP won’t do anything but send me to my pdoc.
I take:
* Depakote 750mg
* Prozac 10mg
* Buspar 20mg
* Gabapentin 2400mg
* Propranolol 20mg
I don’t know what it is. My pdoc is useless. I told him that 20mg of Prozac was making me sick, so I called in a smaller dose to the doctor on call that day. I’ve taken Prozac before and it’s never made me sick, so I thought it was the combo of Buspar and Prozac, because I’ve never taken them together. He just says, “Oh, well that’s a common combination.”
Uh. Okay. Nothing else?
So I am just posting on here til I can see someone in my new city, which will be...I dunno when. Or anyone have any advice?
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self.bipolar
|
Had a panic attack giving a presentation in college today. Was able to actually give the stupid thing, which was only 5 minutes with an audience of only 20 people.
But I had to go to the bathroom to dry-heave twice afterward. I was shaking like a leaf for 2 hours afterward, and my heart rate wouldn't drop below 120 for what felt like forever.
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self.Anxiety
|
I just need to get this off my chest Hi, I've never done this before but i heard sharing could help.
I am an engineering student, freshmen, 19 yo. I came here (University 370km away from home) in order to pursue my dream of becoming an engineer. And it is though.
I found out i suffer from depression a while back, in highschool, and honestly i thought i can deal with it, that i am man enough for this..
Little did i know how much it would affect me later on. Back then it was easy, you go to school, come home, mom is gonna cook some good food, watch a movie, play a game with some friends, everything was ok. I didnt know it but i was being loved.
I had my family there, my dog, and they were shielding me from negative thoughts. My dog always sleeps next to me when i go home and those are the best moment, i can tell him everything, i can cry and he would still love me for who i am.
Now, i am alone in the crowd. I am always surrounded by people, and don't get me wrong, it feels good, i enjoy it, but it doesnt feel right. It's like i am constantly self aware of a void inside my head, and i hate it but i learnt to hide it, laughing, making jokes, being silly sometimes. Even as i'm writing this there are 3 persons around me and i guess i look happy to them.
Even though i hate this feeling, being alone is even worse, its like the silence talks to me and it reminds me how alone i truly am. I have nobody to talk to, like really talk to, i cant share my thoughs with anyone because i'm scared of how people would look at me after they see that weakness, and besides that, i dont think i could trust a person that much. Many times i've been betrayed, shared something even with my best friend and he ended up spilling it when we were having an argument.
I realised i am good at one thing, i can supress every single emotion i have at one moment. Nothing can hurt me, it could be even my parents insulting me and i couldnt care less. The problem is it all comes back in the moments when i'm alone. Every small thing gets overthinked about, and i cant stop it. Some weed helps sometimes but its not a solution.
I think about and sometimes even dream about having a girlfriend (I only had one attempt at a relatioship that failed miserably), laughing together, cuddling, i dont even care about sex in those moments, just want the warmth of a woman next to me. I remember during a course's 10 min break, we were talking and a girl hugged me (nothing intimate or anything, it was something like i havent seen you in a while type of hug) and it felt so good for those few seconds. I feel so weak right now typing this, but f#ck it, nobody knows me here. It is hard for me to talk with girls in a romantic way, meaning i have no clue how. I am an introvert and my looks are just average. I am 1.83m (6ft i think) and 100kg (maybe 170-180 pounds?), so i am a little overweight. All these doesnt help my self confidence (though i am faking it as a professional in everything that's not related to relationships)
I sometimes dream about having a family, a couple kids, a nice modest house, one or two dogs i would train myself to be my children's best friends and protectors, enjoying late nights with a future wife. The problem is: it s just a dream, and all that goodness i feel in those brief moments goes away and its replaced by the void.
I realised that there is one thing i really want in life, and that is being a good person, i truly want this from the bottom of my own existence, i want to be the type of person that people would look up to, knowing i am there and i would do anything to help in good or bad times. I want to be my wife's hero, i want to be my children's hero and i want them to be so proud of me. That potential but not really likely outcome is far away though.
At the moment i need to foucus on my studies. I failed 2 out of 7 exams. I know it is not that big of a problem, i can pass them in the near future. My parents put a lot of pressure on me, and the way i answered that is by not telling them anything, even though they asked mutiple times. Now dont think they are some kind of monsters, they are good parents, i realise that now, but i have some bad memories that are just marked in my memory and makes me see them as the person they arent necessary. My dad used to drink, still does, but maybe not as much, and that is a topic whenever i go home. So while my dad really tries to connect with me, calls me, wants me to talk with him, i just cannot allow it, even if i wanted to. One time he called me for no good reason and just talked about random stuff (getting a shelf in my dorm room, solutions for dorm problems and such things), at the end of the call he said "Bye, i love you!" and i replyed "Ok, bye!" Took me a second but damn man, that really moved me and i almost started crying. After that i just did what i said earlier i'm good at, i suppressed the emotion, and it worked till i got back in my dorm room bed at night.
I overthink a lot of stuff. I can literally take a task that a person was supposed to do, and blame myself if they dont do it properly, because i should have helped them or know that they needed help. And while i know this sounds illogical in most situations in life, i cant help it.
I think a lot about suiciding. I had days when i was really down, all i could do was fake a smile and carry on. My head was a mess, i had dozens of scenarios running through my head, i was already sketching a last note inside my head, thinking if i should do it written by hand, on my pc leaving some traces so people can find it or just a video even though i knew i would break down while recording. In the note i wanted to tell everyone how sorry i am that i am doing/i did this. That it's not their fault, but it just doesnt work for me, life that is. But how do you really tell your mother, father, grandparents, sister and even a few firends that it's not their fault? They are obviously gonna blame themselves for not noticing, right? Fuck i am crying right now. How could i let my dog wait forever for me to come back home? I just cant do that to them, but i fell like i cant handle this.
I'll try to improve myself and try to figure this out.
I wrote here because i dont know what else to do, not thinking about my depression worked out in the past but it became an issue, so here i am waiting for random people on the internet to offer me some warmth and hope.
If you read this, thank you so much! It wasnt easy for me to write this down, it woke up many bad memories and thoughts. Hope everyone that found himself in this subreddit will figure out a way to cope with their problems!
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self.depression
|
How does anxiety feel to you, personally? What inside you causes it? Are you feeling "at your limits"? Hey, guys. I've been making a lot of posts and asking a lot of questions in a wide variety of places lately, trying to understand my own mental illness in relation to other illnesses.
I'm diagnosed as schizophrenic, but I mostly just experience anxiety due to severe mental fatigue, which puts me on the edge of my capability, and if I ever tip over, I can't stop feeling anxious. Once I've tipped over, I typically can't fall asleep, my legs and arms go numb or cold, and my blood pressure and heart rate rises.
Today, I'm barely feeling like eating, as the tiredness has become much worse in the past month. This'll be a terrible Christmas for me.
I hope you all are doing better.
But, yeah, what comes right before you feel anxious? For me, as I mostly said, it's even very little mental effort, then feeling at my limits/fatigued, then anxiety, then sometimes psychosis (with the coldness etc.).
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self.Anxiety
|
Wanting to torture myself and make myself throw up I do weird things to myself when I'm depressed. As a form of self harm and punishment I starve myself, keep myself awake for days at a time, scratch myself and so on. I do that out of a compulsion to punish myself I suppose. I have alot of weird self-torture fantasies - puncturing my gums with sowing needles, burning myself, and I also fantacise about hurting my eyes in various ways. For the last couple of days that's extended into desire to make myself throw up. I don't know why, because I'm not bullemic or anorexic or anything, I just want to make myself suffer in whatever bizarre ways I have available.
Whenever I think about these things I wonder how common these fantasies are, or what the cause of them might be, but I have no idea. Does anyone else have these kinds of behaviours?
|
self.depression
|
I feel absolutely terrible and i can’t talk to anyone about it [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Just another story. I want to scream but I keep crying. My mouth won't allow me to speak my thoughts. I'm looking for different forms of communication but can't find the actual motivation to look. This was as far as I got. 1st time for everything, hey Reddit 👋🏼. I'm really trying to understand my thoughts, but I begin organizing them trying to figure out which one should I work on understanding 1st? Staring at my phone screen for too long hurts my eyes from all the crying. Every tear is a flash of imagery from a memory that causes pain, and when I close my eyes it's like watching a flip book of my life and all the things that have hurt me. I'm trying to express myself in the best way I can without seeming annoying or like a spoiled brat or like an emotional freak. I just wonder why I think I would seem any of those ways just by simply trying to express. Why do I cry every time i try to verbally express? I can't deny how annoying and frustrating that actually is having to grasp for air from being out of breath cause of excessive tears from a flip book in my head. I'm sorry for the people who actually don't have someone to express to, I'm not this person. I have a handful of friends, some family, and a man I do love. My problem is different, it's actually expressing and communicating I'm stuck with. As an only kid in an abusive home, we never really spoke about the bad things when they happened and I couldn't tell anyone the bad things when they did happen. I think now that I'm 24 I've developed some type of habit or tradition in not discussing the bad things that happen in my life especially to other people because now I always feel I am burdening them with my problems. Every time I try to discuss a situation that's currently taking place in my life I never know what words to say, or I start crying uncontrollably, or I have to play out several scenarios to get my point across which majority of the time never works. I feel like no one ever understands me. I feel alone in a room full of happy people. So much family but feel loved by none. So many friends but it always feels like one. In one relationship for so long and always feel so alone. Jokes aren't funny anymore and game night is just another night dragging. I saw someone post about adderall and how it helps them proceed throughout the day without these mental interruptions I'm beginning to consider this. It's much better than thinking these thoughts of how I'm useless and why there's no point of being here. I don't even want to go to my doctors appointment in the morning being that my eyes are so puffy from crying so much. Then I'll just be home crying some more. I've been struggling for about 9 months now but the crying is becoming more and more frequent for the past 2-3 months. I am extremely exhausted of feeling so dark, Down, in all types of depressing moods. This is the longest its ever been for me. I want to be able to workout, and juice, and do art and go on adventures like normally but I feel like I'm stuck here on replay but not moving forward. I honestly don't know if anyone will read this but if there is absolutely any advice someone can give me please pass it along I'll consider anything at this point I just want to feel and be better, this is an act of desperation during depression.
Sincerely,
The Artist.
|
self.depression
|
Is there a test for latent bipolar? Asking out of concern for a friend who might have it and is burning the candle at both ends.
A genetic test perhaps?
|
self.bipolar
|
How do you get over an ex and have a good new relationship with depression? A little background, my boyfriend of nearly 5 years broke up with me about 3 months ago. I've been seeing a new guy since. It's fast, yes but I do really like him. I'm just so worried about messing it up. I'm realizing more and more that my relationship with my ex wasn't the healthiest and I have some issues stemming from that. Like the new guy I'm seeing will do things for me and I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel guilty and like I'm just tricking him into being nice to me or something. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way and it's just a circle of shit. I just want to feel normal, like I'm not worrying about everything constantly. Does anyone else feel this way? Have you figured out how to deal with it ?
|
self.depression
|
09:13 Monday morning, and I'm already tired of today. This sucks. Money sucks. Working sucks.
Thanks for your time.
|
self.depression
|
Need some hope I was a teacher. I have AvPD, basically the severest form of social anxiety and self loathing. I seriously thought I was useless, despite my colleagues, students and parents telling me otherwise. I won awards for my work. Graduated the top of my class.
To deal with the constant anxiety I drank once when caring for my kids. Yes I feel guilty and yes I hate myself. The lady who I share the class with reported me at the end of the day. She hated me from the beginning and sabotaged me when my lessons were going well. I had the equivalent of 2 vodka shots. I was called into HR the next morning and dismissed. They tried to console me by saying 'you just made a mistake' and offering counselling services. Never followed up though or thanked me for all the good work I actually did.
That morning, I lost my job, my reputation, my career (they filed with the teachers board), the kids I cared about, my colleagues (my only social support network), my goals for the future, my identity, my self worth, my income and my house. Even getting a job outside the industry, most jobs ask that little question at the start of your application 'Have you even been fired?'. Earlier in the year, I crashed my car (not insured), got my bike stolen, broke my $2000 camera and had 3 phones stolen. Not exaggerating.
Im 23. Please give me a reason to live, because I just lost everything I had and Im not seeing any good will anywhere.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My SO locked me out of his room and is insulting me [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
What do you do when you're medicated and therapied and still think everything is shit? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone on here have ADHD and Bipolar? How do you tell them a part? I have bipolar I and I'm having problems separating hypomania from regular ole ADHD. Mania is obviously not an issue.
How can you usually tell? ADHD can cause irritability and poor regulation of moods. The only difference that I can identify is paranoia--but if there's an issue of paranoia, it's more than likely psychosis at that point.
Thoughts?
|
self.bipolar
|
If you think you suffer from anxiety/depression, but are unsure, you probably do and that's ok I have struggled with both depression and anxiety ever since high school. For the longest time, I always tried to ignore it and excuse it as everyday, normal behavior. I would think "It's not that bad, other people have it worse", or "I'm just exaggerating my feelings" since I was afraid the truth. It was only very recently that I have accepted it and realized how much of a toll my mental health has taken on my life. After much introspection, I realized how my life could have been if I had reached out and treated my anxiety sooner. Mistakes I had recently made might not have happened. What would've happened if I had auditioned for that orchestra? What would've happened if I had asked that girl out that I knew liked me back? There's a stigma against people with depression or anxiety and it's absolutely awful, and it discourages many, like myself, from seeking help. I'm glad to say that I've signed up for counseling at my University, and I'm working on getting better. If you happen to be lurking this subreddit, wondering if you have anxiety or depression, you probably do, and that's OK and it's not your fault. Acknowledging it is the first step to recovery. Get help as soon as possible, your future self will thank you.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Homicidal Rage I just wanna haul off and kill people sometimes. I can't be the only one. How do I cope with this level of anger? Just pop lithium and be a fucking fat zombie?
|
self.bipolar
|
Severe driving anxiety I get up at 5am every morning in order to get I need to make it to work on time. Work starts at 8 and it would only be a 7 minute drive. I feel ashamed at 23 not having my license so i just tell anyone who comments on me walking that I’m saving for a decent car so I don’t have to make payments (which isn’t a lie.) I’m so tired of not being able to drive but I panic so bad.
I’m getting my learner’s permit for the second time and I’m terrified. Last time I tried to learn to drive I was in a rural area and even without a ton of cars on the road I panicked every time. I almost hit someone once and was hyperventilating and sobbing until I could pull over and couldn’t try again for months (even in a parking lot.)
I know I shouldn’t be this scared and that I can develop the skills to be a safe, competent driver like most adults but then I’m anxious about my anxiety causing me to get in an accident so I can’t calm myself down.
I know a lot of people who have anxiety who tell me I’ll realize it’s not too scary with practice but I have this dread in the pit of my stomach that I never will. How do I get over this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My life has literally just been being a burden to people. Literally every single instant of my life has just been burdening others.
I was adopted (this is the reason for this being a throwaway), so the chances of me having been born out of wedlock or to a teenage girl somewhere are high as fuck. Basically I wasn't wanted or needed from birth. Nice way to start, huh?
My parents went through so much to get me and they've spent so much on me, and all their efforts have just resulted in a dumbass teenager who's probably going to fail in life and disappoint them. Coupled with the mental health issues (which could have been inherited from my birth parents, who I don't fucking know because they didn't want me, nor will I ever attempt to find them because they'll find out that the kid they adopted out in hopes of having a better life will have been a faliure anyway)
idk fam this was just a rant of everything im feeling so that i dont end up ranting this to the few friends who still give a fuck about me or yelling at my parents again and being the shittiest child ever. Now I've got it all out maybe I can pretend to be happy for a bit more, maybe even convince myself again before everything falls down around me and I succumb to my depressive tendancies again.
|
self.depression
|
This depression comes by every year I spend half the year depressed, then the other half happy and grateful that I'm not depressed. After being happy for a few months, I start taking for granted my mental health and slowly slip into it again.
I was at a friends house today and they all noticed how unusually quiet/detached I was. They knew I had an episode 2 years ago after I dropped out of college and wouldn't get out of bed for 3 months. One of my best friends in the group jokingly said I was depressed...little do they know it's actually making a comeback.
|
self.depression
|
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