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sad as crap hi i am 10 years old, i really wanna die. DSS is in my life and i hate it. I dont wanna become a foster kid. my mom is on my brothers side , which he is the one who started all of this. im scared and ive been wanting to cut my wrist alot. But i have school and people will see it.nobody cares about me{thats what i feel like}
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self.depression
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Wanted to kill myself but didn’t today. Today at work I was put on cutting duty for brick. Today was really high paced, and it seemed like th cuts were being hollered left and right and sideways and around in circles at me. Mentally I’m not the most stable as a person and I can only handle so much fast paced working and demands before I get too stressed. Needless to say all the stress as of late and today really got to me.
I’m a very paranoid person as well and i struggle with mental illness. I began to think they were just doing it to wear me out and make me quit, and they knew me deepest secrets and hated me because of them.
With it all piling up on me, standing at the saw with the brick on the table and a box cutter (for some reason there was no chalk) to etch cutting lines in the brick. I started to somewhat hyper ventilate, tremble. My nerves skyrocketed and I started to tear up and choke. My inner being was screaming to kill myself, and to just cut and cut and cut, just violently start running laps on my wrist and throat. I got all choked up and got lost in my head. All I could think about was how good it would’ve been to just off myself in front of my coworkers. To not feel stressed anymore, and to break away. I just wanted to end it man.
In all honesty holding that knife and halfway crying is the closest I’ve ever came to killing myself. But I chickened out again. I just don’t have the audacity to do it. Gosh dang I hate being alive. I feel like Mr.Meeseeks. Existence is definitely pain man. I just hate being alive, and everything is just so bland and repetitive to the point that it all becomes annoying. Idk, I’m just annoyed that life sucks this bad and has no color to it. It just seems so meaningless.
Turns out, they had me on the saw because I was a lot better than the guy they had on and I was the only one available who could keep up with the demand and do a decent job. I almost killed myself for nothing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need help I'm extremely suicidal. I make too much money to get low income help and too little money to pay out of pocket or get insurance. I'm out of prozac. Have been for two months. I need to go to the hospital, but I can't afford to. I need help. I want to die so badly, but I can't hurt others by going through with it. I don't know what to do. I want the pain to stop
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Church for Christmas I was raised Catholic but hadn't been for years. This year I decided to take my kids in the hopes that it would be a fun thing for them. It wasn't. It was the typical challenge/response, Gregorian chants, sit/kneel/stand, and a boring homily. Very disappointed, especially given that it was the Christmas mass.
I'm not giving up though, going to try a non-denominational church to see if it's better. I want to feel uplifted, not downtrodden by forced conformity.
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self.offmychest
|
Amanda. You lit my heart on fire. But now all I feel is a void of emptiness. I don't know if I can ever be happy alone. I don't have a flame. I know you'll never speak to me again. I wish I could explain what this pain felt like without losing myself to it. But I fear I already have. Suicide is becoming a closer and closer option again. That's not your fault however. The short time I spent with you in my eyes was phenomenal. You connected with me in a way nobody else could. Now your cousin thinks I'm a creep. Your friends find me annoying and I honestly have no idea what is coming next. So where do I go from here? If I have to live knowing I'll never see you again I don't want to live at all. Maybe I am unredeemable... I don't know where to go from here. I'm thinking I feel like I'm already dead and I don't know if I can muster the strength to get up and grab the life that's out there for me. You are the strongest human being I have ever met. Maybe had I been a better more honest more hardworking man I could have matched you.
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self.depression
|
Ive slept in till 4 the past 3 days Like ive gone to bed super late but im still sleeping 12-14 hrs every day. Ive never done this before, maybe its winter break or winter making the depression worse idfk
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self.depression
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Strong benzo alternatives I've been agoraphobic for 15 years and the only thing that has ever really helped is lorazepam. Currently I only use it for things like the dentist or doctor and don't want to use it regularly and risk building a tolerance to my go to emergency medication.
Anyternatives for a very strong daily anti-anxiety medication? I'm on venlafaxine and can't use anything cannabis related as I'm in the UK. I've already got pregabalin and gabapentin on my ideas list for my doctor. Any ideas would be great.
Edit:
Dr gave me sertraline 50mg 1 daily still staying on my venlafaxine and lorazepam going back in a few weeks for check up.
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self.Anxiety
|
Night Eating On Seroquel/Quetiapine Has anyone else experience this?
My doctor has recently upped my dose of seroquel from 100 to 200. I take it all at night because it makes me quite drowsy. I've been on seroquel for years and have always had a problem with occasionally waking up in the middle of the night absolutely starving and eating anything in sight. Since upping my dose this is now happening several times a night. Doesn't matter if I eat until I'm so full I could burst right before bed, I'll still wake up at some point in the night needing to eat. I'm gaining weight quite quickly in part because of this night eating and it's making my already bad depression worse.
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, and if so, do you have any solutions?
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self.bipolar
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Anyone awake/available to talk? I could use someone to talk to
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to find GF But im so psychicaly ruined that even can't resolve to create a TINDER account.
Can you guys try to cheer me up?
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self.Anxiety
|
I used to love using organizers, now they make me anxious. In 5th grade, they made these awesome colorable organizers for every student and made it mandatory to keep up with them. I fell in love. Everyone else seemed to think it was tedious, but it made me feel much more clear-headed to have everything written out like that.
In high school, I still kept an organizer. But slowly, I started keeping up with it less and less. I thought it was fine because once I got the routine going, I didn't need to rely on it as much.
When I started college, same thing. I'd start off the semester writing everything down, then toward the halfway point I would stop using it as much. By finals, it was hidden in a drawer somewhere.
That's where I am now. As the dates start to stack up and tests and finals approaching, I find it too stressful to even think about looking at my organizer. Or even the syllabi for the classes. I'm overwhelmed by deadlines.
I just want to have one successful semester. I haven't had a single semester yet without flunking or dropping a class. I wish I didn't get so worked up.
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate car dealerships!!! I am "looking" at the moment just to get a general idea of what a car payment could possibly be. I was at the dealership that does trade ins.....and I repeatedly relentlessly stated until I was blue in the face: "I am just looking what the numbers would entail - not intending to buy right now...just purely looking what the numbers would entail for me to buy a car with payments (loan price, interest, monthly payment....etc)"
And I will be damned - if the entire sales crew didn't try to get me into a car right then and there - NOT ONCE DID THEY SAY OH IT WILL BE $X.XX - it was more "What are you looking for I can get you down to $X....you don't need to look at your spreadsheet you can wing it right?"
All I wanted to do was get the numbers, put them into my spreadsheet, with insurance price increase - SO I CAN KNOW WHAT MY FINANCES WOULD HAVE BEEN!!!!! - but no not once did they give me any numbers they just tried to steam roll me into trading in my car for a new one/used one.
I like to "Sleep on major purchases I am not a spur of the moment type of guy (mortgage, loans, hell my phonebill I want to know what it will be if I add a feature and THINK ABOUT IT for a day or two before doing anything!!)
I will not be doing business with them!! Can anyone relate?
I am literally foaming at the mouth with anger 3 hours wasted and not one fucking number to enter into my spreadsheet!!!
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self.offmychest
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It's getting worse. I'm not better. I'm not okay at all and it's only getting worse. I've had depression for years, but it's never been as bad as it is now. I can't function normally anymore and I'm wasting my life, people expect so much from me but I can't meet their expectations right now; I can't even meet my own. There's something wrong with me, I'm serious.
These past few months have been really tough and suicide seems so close. I really don't want to keep going feeling like this. Living hurts too much. Literally. My body is aching. I want to cry but I'm too numb for that.
And yet nobody cares. They all pretend to care, but not once have they tried to actually help me.
But it's okay. I have decided I'll end my life in January if nothing happens by then. It's the right thing to do.
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self.depression
|
aaagh if you look through my post history I've talked about my formerly physically/currently emotionally abusive father and slightly neglectful mother (I still love her though she isn't nearly as bad as my father) and I have two wonderful best friends who are the only reason I'm alive, and all of us are going to save up money to run away and escape, and might not make it until then.. all this past week, has been pure hell emotionally after my birthday I've been feeling excluded and that spiraled out of control from my own insecurities and it's led me back down a suicidal path and I haven't been able to do anything or function, I haven't showered or cleaned up after myself and ignored my schoolwork and have really just been left alone to my own thoughts and haven't been sleeping. I was doing amazing then it all spiraled into this. I haven't confided in anyone because I'll be guilt tripped out of any help by my father and my friend can't offer me the advice I need because in reality they're just as awkward in this type of situation as I would be, and I can't tell them my own insecurities about them "not caring about me as much as someone else" in my eyes as one of the things making me feel this way because in turn it would sadden them and I could never do that. And I've been isolating myself so much because I feel so fucked up and I want to kill myself. I really really want to at any moment and if I ever go outside, which is rare when I'm in this sort of depression spiral all I can think wherever I look is the way I could kill myself in that situation or the way I could die. God damn it. Literally in the room I'm in I could kill myself right now. all I can think about is dying. When people tell me if I died people would miss me, all I can think to myself is " yeah but when you die, the people that love you grieve and move on." And after I die people will think about me sometimes, but it will never impact anyone in such a gigantic manner that I'm told. Im so fucking depressed God I just feel so fucking empty, I haven't felt this depressed since I last had to go to a physc ward, and I wish I could get home help but I'll be guilt tripped into not going, and I can't stand up to my dad out of fear. God damn I want to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
"If I knew what was wrong with me I would do something about it" That's what you told me when you dumped me. Well I found a very informative webpage that describes exactly what's wrong with you, but I'm the last person you would ever listen to.
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self.offmychest
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Should I tell my therapist I feel offended by something she did [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I have nightmares about my friend that recently cut contact with me [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I am at the end. Hello. Not sure what to say. I am done. I have been burning myself out trying to care for my disabled partner and now we have nothing left. I am broke trying to make sure she has everything she needs. We are losing the house. I have lost everyone else in my life trying to keep my partner happy.
I suffer from bipolar disorder and I am not able to cope with everything that is happening to me.
I think have to die. I have no options left.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Milnacipran and weight gain I'm currently using Milnacipran for depression/anxiety and I heard it does directly cause weight gain. Is it true despite following a low carb diet and daily exercise?
Not talking about cravings and such, just pharmaceutical weight gain.
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self.depression
|
Q to those on medication: What dose are you currently on? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
How do you know if a former step parent is only staying in touch with the ex step kid only out of obligation, pity, or because they think you need them? How can I identify that?
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self.offmychest
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Am I going insane or is this normal? Zoning out [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm losing reference Points. I don't know what the fuck to trust. I don't want to attempt describing my problems, because I don't know if my interpretation of them is credible, or just some construct I have created consciously. For example, I know its so fucking irrational and ridiculous, but I sort of begin to consider absurd realities like "haha what if I think I can (walk/talk/think/eat/sleep/blink my fucking eyes/dress myself/infinitely more things) like a normal person, but I actually cant and I'm in denial or not conscious of it, and everybody is just an actor like in that one Black Mirror episode where shes like brainwashed during the apocalypse, and they all convince me of my sanity out of pity, yet I know I could not handle absolute truth, but at the same time I want it for some reason fuck idk I'm rambling lol sorry but yeah IDK why im posting this maybe im
irrationally expecting some perfect shining reddit response thatws going to be of some value to me idk maybe its worth a shot.
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self.Anxiety
|
I just can't keep doing this to myself Hey there anybody,Im new to this so please be nice. I keep screwing everything up in my life then ask where it all went wrong. I have considered suicide and was going to commit but was to scared to do it. I'm just a big wuss and a screwball. I am currently in school and am trying to keep up grades and i'm trying to hold a job. I start focusing on one and the other slips. My parents are always yelling at me and my dad cusses at me over grades and hw wich I try and care about but just can't. I need somebody to give me some advice how to get out of this constant loop of screwing things up. Thank you for reading this. I just need some advice
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self.depression
|
It's my birthday and I shouldn't feel this lonely Usually, my phone is blowing up with calls from relatives singing happy birthday and stuff. I always found it annoying until today it was just my folks and my grandparents. My mom had to remind my sister after I kind of passively asked how she was doing.
I set off a couple months ago to travel with my partner and it's been cool, but it seems like my friends just forgot about me. Even the one time someone asked to Skype, I sat online the whole night and they never even logged on. I reach out people pretty often but this kinda stings.
I have a cold and I'm just chilling in my room with my partner and a bottle of wine now. Of course, I'm on reddit. I got congratulated with the looming knowledge that my student loan repayment plans will be decided on today and the DMV is still trying to take away my license after a scare with a physical disability. Right now, I'm in the middle of the Amazon and just took a hike through a rainforest the other day, but they're still on about when I was sick. Oh well.
Anyway. I don't expect a whole bunch here but I wanted to vent. Back to the wine, I suppose.
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self.offmychest
|
Musings about my younger self About nine years ago (damn!) I thought that I could see into someone's eyes to determine if they were good or evil. I honestly, truly believed it, because "the eyes are the windows to the soul".
I know that that belief may have been influenced by a manic state (having just moved with my family 1500 miles cross-country), and I was just a kid, but God damn. That's fucking funny looking back now.
What are some of the funnier beliefs your younger self held?
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self.bipolar
|
Haters gonna hate... ...and it fucking sucks, especially when you did nothing wrong, and you just were yourself.
What to do about it? How to accept it? How to accept you have someone whose aim is to hate you and let you down? Maybe understand why can help?
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self.offmychest
|
Black Sheep. Outsider. Running out of will to live. Not sure what to do. I feel like I'm out of options and my life isn't my own. 19 for reference.
My holidays were off to a solid start when my dad forced me out of the house almost literally from dusk to dawn to have me go around the local neighborhood and try to find a job, when i've already been inside these places sometimes multiple instances and gotten the same answer every time. This only stopped yesterday and today, and he wants it to start up tomorrow. I don't even know if he'll wake up to me being alive or home at that point.
He also started off my Christmas by having me do household chores while passively aggressively insulting me, and then flat out insult me by telling me I could only use his gift (a book I'd been wanting to read) once I'd gotten a job he was satisfied of. I also got to sit and watch as both my step-siblings got maybe $200, $250 worth of presents while I got another useless couple of giftcards, some bathroom supplies, a watch I'll never use, and some multitools - literally the exact same gifts I've gotten the past 3 years.
When I start to get pissed off at what was pretty much targeted bait wrapped in a box, he then proceeds to tell me that he will no longer provide a car for me, and that I can buy one myself, this after he has adamantly refused to do anything to help me get my license after 3 years. I still don't have one and that doesn't look like it'll change anytime soon.
That's all just the break. He forced me to stay in town and go to a college I hate while living at home because he refused to help me go to any other college of my choice, and he said if I did try to go somewhere else, he would cut me off and I would not be able to take a single thing with me, ie school supplies, clothes, literally everything would stay with him, and all contact/support would be cut unless I did things his way.
I feel like I've been a spectator to my life all year, just watching it slowly spiral and get worse and worse. I have almost no friends left and nobody who cares about me. I was always an outsider, but now it's worse than ever before by magnitudes. I'm watching myself become a black sheep. Everyone on that side of the family is super successful in one way or another, and I see the looks in their eyes whenever we visit. Of faked joy for my direction in life. Of pity. Of disappointment. Of sadness. Of disgust.
I know exactly how this is gonna end up. And the worst part is I don't exactly feel afraid of death. Maybe the act of dying, sure, but not death itself. I'm still not sure how or where. I'm not entirely sure I still want to die, but I'm damn sure I don't want to keep living like this. Hell, I'm not even living. I'm not even sure you would call this autopilot, because I'm not the one in control. I mean fuck, what're people gonna do? Miss me? Cry at the funeral? 6 months later I doubt half the people I knew would remember my name or ever think of me again.
I'm running out of reasons to live. I have nothing left to achieve. I've completely ruined most goals I've set for myself. I have nothing I want in life, because I know I'll never get it. I've pretty much given up on dating completely. I constantly think about how worthless I am, how nobody wants me or will care whether I live or die. I don't care how good for me it is, I'm tired of listening to my dad's choice for me, and frankly I don't see much of a reason to live if nothing I've ever done was mine. I'm almost done caring about my life. No reason for me to keep going at this point.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else get something I like to call "Phone Blindness" When I'm at work, sometimes I'll get a phone call where one of our team asks me a question and I can't immediately think of how to resolve it if it's something I don't do regularly.
I then seem to be utterly unable to read. For about 20 seconds or so I'm clicking around random folders and programs on my computer and I literally just can't even read what their names are. This only seems to happen when I'm on the phone and there is someone silently waiting for me to give them an answer...if I say I'll ring back and hang up on them I am fine again.
What is this? Why does it happen? Is it related to anxiety or social anxiety in some way?
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self.Anxiety
|
anyone only not kill themselves because of other people? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Progress Finally got a new filter for my Brita filter. I felt horrible just using the same filter for months, it would drip slowly. It took a long time to fill up. The water wasn't good.
My boyfriend replaced it last night and just the water tasting better has lifted my mood. Small things keep me happy now. I used to take a lot of things for granted.
My mentality was Oh, it's there. Okay. But now, I'm excited because I can go buy some towels that I want. I've always hated white towels. I wanted some blue ones and when I was moving in my dad looked at me like I was disgusting and said You can't bleach colored towels. Okay... well if I'm just drying my body off why do I need to?
As an adult, being able to make decisions for myself is awesome. I can choose where to put my clothes, how I dress, how I make my food, how I eat my food. And that was a big factor in feeling better and less depressed. I still have my down not happy moments but overall it's satisfying.
I would get in arguments with my grandmother because she wanted me to eat a taco how she wanted me to. She'd storm off because I didn't feel like having onions that day. My dad would tell me how to wear my hair, would go through outfits just to find one that he liked, and he controlled when I did things I wanted.
Having independence is everything I have thought. It's what I dreamt it would be. All the adults who said I couldn't do it, lied. My counselors from Benjamin Franklin High School.
My uncle, my dad, the social worker at my former high school. I did it with no help. My dad told people he paid my rent which is a lie. He didn't lift a finger helping me move. He hasnt been more than in the door of my apartment. And when he saw my apartment he demanded that I clean it up to his standards.
I knew that even having moved out, I would still be controlled if I allowed them to come into my life. But I'm happy because I proved C the counselor wrong. I proved B the social worker wrong. I made it. Being told that I would fail not only in school and work, I made it.
I'm still working on myself. It's HARD. oh, baby, it's not easy. The days your feet hurt and your muscles are in pain but you have to get up and go to work. Finding the courage to believe in yourself on days that the voices of the people who said you wouldn't be able to do it run through your head. It's not easy, sometimes you cry in frustration, pick yourself back up, swallow the anger and smile even though it's ripping you apart inside. Paying the bills just to have it come back in a week!! You're like I JUST paid it!
But the thing for me is paying it off and saving is a visual accomplishment. I feel valued. My dad told me I would never afford it, I needed a roommate. I supported my boyfriend for months, both of us, off of one income and to be told that I couldnt do it by people in my situation working a job that paid more than me? and they had benefits?
i did it, and I'm happy because I didnt give up. I kept living on hope. i get a break. i get to truly relax without obsessing over my calculator.
and it's worth it. because of a water filter (lol) but damn that water filter was progress. finally able to get a water filter, not having to cut out dinner to get it. being able to get it and still eat.
i'm a hard headed person who doesn't give up easily. I may adjust to my surroundings but i wont accept defeat.
i proved a lot of people wrong, and a water filter made me see that. sticking it through with my boyfriend. ignoring the negative but using it as fuel to get through.
Damn, I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self some advice. I wish I could just be her friend and make her realize some things.
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self.bipolar
|
Once the mask is off, everything starts falling apart again [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Mom is dying, I want to die with her Barely even have the energy to write this but don't know what else to do. I just found out my mom's cancer is back and within probably a couple years at most, she will be dead. She's not a candidate for more chemo because of her poor health.
I have nobody to talk to. I have siblings who I love but talking to them just makes me feel worse because we're all going through the same thing and they're not in a position to take on my burden as well as their own. It's just brutal. Like a nightmare I can't escape. I just want it to end. I don't want to wait to lose my mom.
I try to distract myself but no matter what I do, I can't think about anything else. Anything I'm normally interested in I just scoff at and think "who fucking cares?" Everything I read online is about how after you lose your parent you never really recover. I can't imagine going on living life being this miserable.
I can't keep going like this. Need an escape now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I had a really tough week with my social anxiety and today's the first day I've gone without crying and it feels nice, sorry for the lame post just felt good and I wanted to share. Anyone else had a nice day l, they would like to share ? I feel like being positive
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self.Anxiety
|
my sisters lived a thousand lives and i feel like mine will never begin [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I just feel so much resentment these days. I feel disgust around the people who are supposed to be close to me. While being out of state (and actually being quite content there, for the first time in my life) my friends have been pressing me to come back for university here, only to treat me like some mostly irrelevant passerby when I did return.
The ones who I would count as the loyal friends are now feeling inclined to ignore me until I'm jumping through hoops for their attention. And the girl who was saying she loves me and needs me back now tells me straight-faced that she wants me to come to an event so I can help her fuck some musician. And this is just the start of it - everywhere I look it’s just straight up disrespect and disinterest from the people who I invested so much hope in, and who claimed to have so much affection for me.
And to make matters worse I seem to have crossed a line that prevents me from making new friends as well: in the past I used to like people and like earning their affection, and this was usually through drinking and revelling, since I’m introverted in most other ways. However these days, now that my view of people has declined so much, I simply do not have any interest in going out of my way to these sorts of events.
So I am just keeping to myself and becoming more lonely and resentful with each passing day. I'm already basically a resentful grouch at the ripe age of 21. Even just my face while just static and without expression looks extremely hostile and bitter all the time now.
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self.depression
|
Just my depression rant I cant sleep. The same ideas keep going through my head. You are alone, you are a failure. I am 23 years old college student I have no friends, no car and no money. I am going to drop out of college though I've been there four years and I only have an associates degree I feel like I've wasted my time. I am going to drop out. The finacial aid reps told me I may have to pay the school back since I am on finacial aid if I fail or drop out but I have no idea how I am going to do that I did not even have enough money to buy the books I needed.
The reason I feel alone is because I have no friends and no girlfriend I wish there was someone I could talk to knowing that they would try to help me. But I dont trust anyone people tend to lose respect for me when I tell them the truth. All my mentors suck they make a dysfunctional family, they have horible advice most of the time, I wish they had asked me what I wanted or who was I before assuming I had to go to college. I basicly shit myself on the inside when I found out I had been signed up, I wanted to go to college one day but they took away my choice when they signed me up and I knew to little of the system and feared it, thats why I couldnt drop out then. Then they left me alone to fight all my inner deamons they offer no emotional support. In a way they ruined my life. It seems so difficult for them to ask me the simplest of questions. Such as, who are you? What do you want out of life?
I tried to follow one of my family members decissions because I wanted a leader, no I needed a leader. But after working on assignments with him I feel like I am more mature then him even though he is twice my age. He began to scream at me after a simple mistake and I told him to stop, but he would not and he did not let it go, so I told him to leave and he did I dont plan to ever speak to him again. I dont need such a toxic personality in my life when I am already depressed and beating myself up, I dont need someone else to beatup my emotions as well.
My plan of action is to quit college, I may return one day but I hope I dont because I want to make a buissness. I want to meet more girls and I want to get a job. As for my debt I am unsure of how I will pay it off hopfuly someone will hire me, so I could save enough money to buy a car, hopfuly being able to drive a car will give me enough confidence to start asking out women. I just hope my plans go well before its to late.
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self.depression
|
Girl at induction chose her epilepsy as her "Biggest Achievement so far" (X-post bipolarreddit) Will it ever be acceptable for me to stand up and say *standing here* is my biggest achievement so far.
She has epilepsy and survived several heart surgeries as a child, which is awesome.
My "Biggest Achievement" was a work achievement that was sustained by a very long and dangerous period of hypomania that landed me in hospital for a month.
Why do I feel like I have the hide my medication from everyone?
Humans are silly.
|
self.bipolar
|
same cycle every two weeks I'm still here. That's something I should be grateful for I guess. I honestly thought I was going to be gone by now but instead I spent every single cent of my paycheck in one day and called out of work for two. Now I'm out of money sitting at home researching gun prices again. I honestly don't get it. Every single time I'm sure I'm going to pull the trigger I just spend all my money instead and then sit around waiting for the next paycheck absolutely certain I'm going to do it next time.
I'm really sick of this illness. Yea sure I'm still alive but in order for me to convince myself to stick around I blow all my money as soon as I can instead of saving it and using it like a rational person. I'm not even sure if it's worth it at this point.
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self.bipolar
|
Apparently being bad at a game is forbidden in today's society I know it's not the norm, but goddamnit.
I was playing a game and having trouble against a character, so I went to the game's Discord channel's dedicated venting server and helped myself. One guy comes in and starts gving advice, which I take, and say that despite the advice, the character still pisses me off.
Cut the insults. "lol what rank are you?" "If you're still having trouble you're pretty bad tbh". Constant badgering. Someone comes in and points out how the other guy is being an asshole, and he just doubles up and starts telling us we're worthless and shouldn't even be playing the game because we're polluting it with how bad we are.
I just sat there, not having an idea what to do, and I just left the server. Another one I left because of people being major assholes for no reason.
Why are people like this? Why are people so elitist? Why do people take every single opportunity to boost their ego and trashtalk someone?
Games are my escape. But I can't take the toxicity around them. I can't go to any community and not see a toxic cesspool. It's seriously dragging me down over time :(
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self.offmychest
|
Any success stories on dating someone without a diagnosis? Hey friends. Im not super good with maintaining things, jobs, friends or romantic relationships are usually short lived. Right now im dating this girl and she is really special and im really really scared. I explained to her how I get, but I don't think she is taking it serious enough...
Is this even doable? I went to bipolarSO and its all disaster stories.
If someone has some advice or success stories it would be greatly appreciated
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self.bipolar
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I feel like I’m just a black mark on other people’s lives [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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someone talk to me please i just wanna die really really fucking badly and no ones listening they just give stupid advice
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else feel like chronic anxiety has made them feel constantly stressed and get anxious super easily now? I am almost thinking that my nervous system rewired itself to being anxious.
|
self.Anxiety
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DAE consume small amounts of caffeine and sugar and as a result become overwhelmingly anxious?
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self.Anxiety
|
I am a sack of potatoes I miss holding someone. I miss waking up and feeling the magic of a sun beam. I had something really special with a girl and I threw it away because I am too insecure and schizophrenic and one of my other sides took over my thoughts and actions. Now I can't take back what I said and did, but it wasn't me. And I don't think anyone will understand, nor will she. No matter how much I plead, and yet I haven't begged once for her back. I never asked for her back, because I am incapable and inadequate.
I have always been on borrowed time, apparently when I was young a curse was put upon me. Now I don't believe in God or anything but I do believe that there is evil and if you allow evil to enter your life evil will come. It haunts me everyday. I mourn the dread.
I just have a list of things I need to get done before I leave and I'm almost there and that kind of makes me really happy for a change. Happiness is subjective but I'm just trying to make it by. I don't need money I don't need a fancy car I don't need a job.
I used to have this night terror where I would wake up screaming every morning. I would always have this thought in my head that would go are you going to hurt yourself isn't that what it means to be alive no but if you ask me that again I'm going to hurt you maybe if I wanted what everyone else wants I'd be happy a house, car, a relationship, a kid maybe I don't know how to be happy it's all I've ever done.
Most of the days I want to go to school and and learn how electronics work, study acoustics, study math, and study the solar system. But I can't even get out of bed in the morning.
I just miss the girl who told me her favorite number was 28.
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self.depression
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I lost the love of my life tonight, my job and I’m my integrity all in 3 days. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I've been here before, but now I have something to live for. Why do I still feel like this [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm 21 years old and have 35 000 USD in savings and it creeps me out I'm 21 years old, and in my savings account I have 35 000 dollars. Some of it I've earned myself, some of it I've gotten from relatives over the years, and some of it is from a fund my grandfather started when I was born. You could think that having all that money would feel amazing, but mostly for me it just feels weird.
The most I ever spent on one single occasion is when I booked a trip for me and my SO, and that was around 800, it's like I can't even get how much money I really have, or what I should or shouldn't do with it.
It bothers me that some people struggle so hard and only manage to scrape by, that some people will go all their lives without having as much money as I have now at 21. Here I am with all this money and I don't even appreciate it as much as I maybe should? I don't know, sometimes it just creeps me the hell out checking my account and seeing that number. Sometimes I get this thought in my head that I should give it all away, not that I would ever follow through with it, but I think I would feel better without it.
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self.offmychest
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I'm a useless and worthless piece of shit! I will never been loved by anyone, no one respects me, I just feel like a piece of meat!
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel rejected by my big brother and it hurts. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I don't know what to do anymore. But it isn't this. This is a Made for T.V Lifetime Movie This seems like the right place to post this. I'm not sure. I don't trust my brain to know what's right anymore. This may be a bit long...I have no idea. I've never really...done this before.
I don't even know why I'm writing this or what I want, but I think maybe if I get ot all out then it'll clear up some space inside my head before my brain explodes? Maybe I want to feel like someone is listening? I feel so outside of reality that I can't work out my reasoning.
To begin, I'm a twenty five year old girl and I feel like everything I've ever done has been a waste. I dropped out of school after my controlling father pushed me into a technical college that I had no interest in. After that I just kinda...bounced from abusive relationships to near homelessness. I've done absolutely nothing with my life and all those mistakes are beginning to smother me
I'm currently only not homeless due to kindness I don't deserve from a friend. Despite putting in numerous applications I am still unemployed. I'm completely broke. I have no car. I have very few marketable skills. I'm also chronically ill, which makes finding work harder. No one wants an employee with brittle bones who suffers dislocations on a daily basis. No one wants someone who comes with a broken body and mind. And my health isn't improving by my financial situation. I sometimes wonder if my waist is thinner than my wallet. I'm 5'3 and I've dropped down to 88 pounds, making my illness flare up and worsen.
I'm thankful for the one friend I have that gave me a place to stay, but I was see her patience wearing thin. She knows I'm trying, but trying doesn't pay bills. I know I'm trying, I also know I'm a huge burden both financially and emotionally. I wish I could stop
Every single time I try to do something right and good it fucks up. When I try to fix my life the universe shuts me down. Every relationship I've tried to be in has just been a new form of torture and abuse, which, admittedly, is almost certainly my own fault. I feel like I seek out people who send out red flags, as though on a subconscious level I desire the pain and turmoil. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. I don't want to suffer, not really. I want to be loved but I can't think of a good reason why someone would want to do that. I feel perpetually trapped in a Smiths song, and that's not the band I want narrating my life. I'd like to live in a world where Bowling for Soup or The Aquabats are making the soundtrack.
I feel like my mind is starting to go. I used to be a maths genius, and now I'm having issues with basic addition. I can't focus despite being on Adderall that I really can't afford (though, it did help for a while. Now, taking my Adderall is equivalent to replacing dead batteries in a remote with the dead batteries in a vibrator. And I've begun to speak like an obnoxious teenager trying to wax poetic, which is truly rock bottom.) I can't watch a television show without getting confused, it's as though seconds after watching I forget what was happening. I lose time. Days seem to move so quickly but each hour stretches on for months.
I feel like there's nothing left for me anymore. Like I blew all of my chances. Like there's no way to pick myself back up from this. I've tried so hard to be bubbly and optimistic, especially when applying to jobs. But my optimism is about as real as my hair, and I've been wearing a weave for years.
I don't want to kill myself. Not exactly. The thing about it is, I don't think I could. I don't think I could find the motivation. I'm not sure I want to die exactly either. I think I love my dog too much for that, and I could never hurt the one thing that loves me. I just want time to freeze for a while. Just stop the world and take a few weeks to figure out how I let myself get here. I know there's no magic spell to fix it, I don't trust magic anyway. I'm just not feeling like there's any way to make it better.
I'm sorry this is long, probably disorganised, and had frankly pathetic attempts at humour. I thought if I wrote it down it would help. I'm not sure. It got it out of my head.
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self.depression
|
I don't hate the Kardashian/Jenners, and here's why In order to be a mature, functioning adult in this day and age, you have to have a college degree, a job that comes with a benefits package, and you have to hate the Kardashians. The only thing trendier than liking the Kardashians is hating them. In spite of their millions and millions of followers, everyone you speak to over the age of 26 and particularly over the vapidity of the selfie generation, will report a seething hatred of the Kardashians. They're shallow, talentless, uneducated, acquired fame through some ill-gotten combination of nepotism and a sex tape (or, even more disturbing, their daughter's / sister's sex tape.) I get it. I'm not their number 1 fan, but I don't hate them.
First of all, the Kardashians, sex tape aside (or maybe the sex tape helps prove this point) epitomize female empowerment. In their world, it's so kick ass to be a woman that even your dad wants to become one. They hustle, they earn, they self-promote. If you think it's just sex, you're not paying attention. Maybe that's all you see, and if so that's a you problem (and yes, there's a trace of misogyny in that mindset).
Secondly, they represent successful women of a broad range of body types. Some are thin, some are thick, some are average in size. That's freaking refreshing considering Hollywood and pop culture pelts us with a barrage of waifs who could all share the same size 2 dress. Physical diversity is a welcome change. With the exception of the perfect half-Olympic-athlete Kendal Jenner, they prove to companies, marketing teams, fashion designers, modeling agencies, boys and most importantly: girls that you don't have to be skinny to get millions of followers. The consuming public is far more accepting than we've so far received credit for.
Third of all, they own their sexuality. I grew up being taught if a woman does porn, she's untouchable. No man will want her, no job will hire her, etc. The Kardashians are just a small case study, but nonetheless prove that humans are capable of acknowledging that women are sexual creatures too...and that's okay! Close minded "s---" shamers and other sex negative losers be damned. Even worse are the high and mighty "I don't take selfies so I'm the best person who ever lived" judgmental hypocrites.
So they don't play the guitar or dance or do whatever else you think is worthy of attention and a pay out. They found a way around that. Arguably, their path to obtain and maintain fame was harder as a result, and therefore even more admirable. I don't agree with everything they do or represent, but I don't hate them as much as I'm supposed to. I even think they add just a little bit of value to a generation.
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self.offmychest
|
I want to kill myself. Nothing new, but this time I’m not afraid. Really I’m just waiting for the right time. When’s the right time? I’m glad you asked. I’ve gone over it many times. I won’t go into too much details about my plans. I’m waiting for a summer evening when I have enough Oxys, vodka and weed to get the job done, along with my sleeping pills. I used to be scared of whatever comes next but idc now.
Why do I want to? So many reasons.
I’m not as smart as I thought I was and that really kills me.
I’m weird and no one would ever want to be with me if they really got to know me.
I don’t have any strong suits.
I can’t do good in school because of how much I procrastinate.
Idk I was gonna try to write more. But I’m burnt out bc I posted a bunch of shit to my Snapchat already
I took some Xanax bc I’ve literally been crying all day (same with yesterday) and I was supposed to be doing a giant paper that’s due today that %15 of my grade and I haven’t even started so yeah fuck me I’m a fucking idiot
I just need a reason to keep going. It’s hard to keep going for people anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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Everyone around me is getting into relationships and I feel like I'll never get one [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I'm starting to feel like my family is falling apart and that I'll never really interact with them when I'll be financially stable. I just really need to get this out. I've been meaning to see a therapist lately but my schedule and school work have made it difficult to make the time for appointments. Please bear with I'm trying to condense eight years of feelings into something cohesive.
The beginning of this semester I received a check from financial aid that I've been using to live off of the past 4 months. I'm unemployed and don't have a license but both are things I'm working on to become more financially independent.
Before this semester started my dad would give me money to pay my rent and groceries and while I was/am grateful to my dad our relationship has been pretty strained these past few years due to a fight that happened the summer before freshman year.
He and I got into a fist fight (he swang first) and I went to live with my mom that summer. We've made up since then and we're civil towards each other but I knew then after he threw the punch that nothing would ever be the same. There's just a giant rift between us.
To backpedal a bit I used to be an incredibly angry person during my teenage years to the point where my father has since admitted after our fight that I do intimidate him when I'm angry. It took me forever to realize that my depression doesn't manifest itself as sadness but as rage, and while I can say that I'm no longer an angry person I'm still a depressed one. I still get angry when I'm depressed, I'm bad about self-isolating, I've always felt like John Abingale Jr from that scene in Catch Me if you can where he comes back from France and runs off to find his family only to discover that he has two new siblings. I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in.
My dad remarried right when I was about to turn 13. My Dad and my step-mom have been together 8 years now and while I was happy for my Dad at the time I've never felt like I was part of the family. I distinctly remember a time where my two step-brothers and my step-mom and dad were all watching a movie and I just felt like a ghost.
I love my step-brothers but I'm indifferent towards my step-mom. The only one I really relate to is my 19-year-old step-brother but ever since my dad got married again anytime I see the four of them together I just feel like an outcast.
Part of it is honestly my fault from my angry days. I'm 6'3, 260 Lbs and I used to yell so loudly to the point where I've quieted my old lunchroom before.
The thing about my dad and I is that while we both have our share of issues I can honestly read him like a book but I'm still a mystery to him. I know that growing apart is common when men grow up and he's started talking to me as an equal ever since our fight but the reason I'm so bothered about my family drifting apart is that I realized ever since I got the check that I've been living off of I haven't called my dad once. I know in some ways that it's a good sign that I can handle most situations on my own but on the other hand I've come to the realization that were it not for the fact that we were related I wouldn't talk to my father at all.
I just realize that he's not capable of understanding me as a person and although I know that, that's okay it still makes me sad on some level. I think the reason I haven't asked him for help in a long time or confided in him is that I know deep down that he's not capable of giving me the emotional support I need. The problem is that feeling seems to have seeped in with everyone I know, and the thing is I just feel so detached from everyone. My family, my friends even though I know they love me I worry that deep down I don't care about any of them. And I hate that, that these people who have raised me or helped me on some level I feel like those attachments are worthless. But the thing is that I'm very empathetic and emotionally intelligent. I love my family and I love my friends but I feel like there's a level of intimacy that I'm seeking that just isn't possible. I know that my depression is blocking those receptors but even when I've been happy both with myself and my life. I've never had that sense of understanding that I've craved.
I know relationships take effort on both sides to maintain and I do try to maintain them but reconnecting just always seems so foreign. Lately whenever I'm around my dad I just don't have anything to say to him. He's recently started a new business and while I don't need him to babysit me the fact is that he hasn't really bothered to contact me either. Every time I see him he'll take me out to lunch and then leaves. I'll ask him about what's going on in his life but then he never goes into any detail.
It's to the point where I legitimately just don't have anything to say to him. I'm always at a loss for words for what to say it's beyond maddening. I just really don't feel any bond or kinship with him at all. I know he's my father but for all intents and purposes, he may as well be a stranger on the street.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone take trilafon (perphenizine)? I was curious if anyone has taken this med, and what you're experience was with it. I know it's an older AP, so hopefully someone has some insight.
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self.bipolar
|
What's the point of life A philosophical, which no one can answer. And i'm tired of it.
Humans, we're made of atoms, general matter, which can be found everywhere in the universe. So what is the difference between me, and my door? Some would argue that i can think, but my thoughts are just molecules, molecules that make me happy, molecules that make me sad, how am i different from my science experiment, where I mix an acid and a base, to make salt, they're both just products of chemicals mixed together, to make a final product.
It makes me depressed thinking about how irrelevant everything is, we are just matter which has become able to use chemicals in their favour, nothing matters, because, my body is made of basically the same atoms as a tree. Even writing this, i'm thinking about how it's nothing else but electrons and chemicals in my brain.
If someone could please come with a good reason, why we are different from every other matter in the universe, i would greatly appreciate it
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self.depression
|
Thank you So three years ago today. I posted here and I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for listening, and thank you for your words. Life is really beautiful. Thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do I accept my limits without hurting my future I am an ambitious individual and I have always believed that I will get something to work if I push myself far enough.
The problem is, obviously, bipolar disorder. I have limits on the level of stress I can take before getting sick. This has been infuriating. I can not properly maintain work relationships, friendships, family relations, work performance or push myself to grow. I try to have the things others have in their lives but I can not handle it all because I swing into episodes.
I always thought I could achieve goals as long as I didn't give up but bipolar is now there twisting my arm to let go of the life I want.
How can I have a fulfilling life where I don't continuously get sick and therefore end up ruining everything again and again? Does anyone have a good balance?
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self.bipolar
|
Obsessing over a mistake. Long history with anxiety/panic attacks. I’m 25 and am obsessing over one mistake I made about five years ago and I feel terrible. Iv convinced myself I’m a bad person. Everyone has told me to just let it go because I’m not a bar person, and that everyone makes mistakes, but it’s always in my head. Long story short, I was in a casual relationship (he told me we weren’t and we’re never going to be official and we were to see other people) with someone who left me to pursue someone else. But before he left I went on a date with someone. And I don’t know if it’s just because he never knew since I never obviously got the chance to tell him since he left and changed his number, but I feel awful about it. But I know myself I sound quite ridiculous that I’m so upset over that, especially now. Can anyone offer any advice or something they know may help me? Anyone with anxiety who know what to try and think of instead?
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm stressed about taking 1 day of stress leave. I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't. I have a really high pressure job. Without getting into too much detail, I work in the healthcare industry and I love it, I wouldn't do anything else.
Last 4 months, I've been feeling more frustrated and under pressure at work and it shows. I work in an environment where, I'm actually confused about where I stand with my coworkers and manager. I've been starting to crack under the pressure more, snapping at people, swearing a hell of a lot, coming off as intense - not in front of clients of course.
Recently, I've been taken team lead a lot - not more than expected for everyone else who also works with me, though. There's a LOT of politics I could really care less for all on top of the work you do as a regular staff (for only $2 more an hour...).
No one has said it directly to me but I am pretty sure my co-workers think I'm an absolute nut, a loose cannon; I think they think I'm incompetent.
On top of all the bullshit that comes with team lead, we have rolled out a new computer system at work. More like - my employer rushed it out, actually. Our training was half ass and with limited support to help us work with it in real time.
Look, I work with life and death situations. My job is stressful enough and then I have to deal with all the politics on top of that. Yesterday, I just completely lost my cool - I am so fucking embarrassed about it. I'm a fairly tech-savvy 25 year old and I could barely understand what I was doing. No one died, no one got injured but it is a serious hazard.
Sure, employers have policies and rules and it's seeming like a fad these days to take a "mental health day". But in my line of work, it's like admitting weakness. There's this unspoken rule where it's "best practice" and "your right" to care for yourself and take time for yourself. But if you avail yourself of that "right", you lose credibility - people think you can't handle the position. This has actually happened to me before, and I don't want it to happen to me again.
I ended up ranting at work, being intense and stressing everyone else out when we're all already stressed. I feel so embarrassed about it.
I got home last night and lost my shit again in the driveway, called a friend, he slept over but I think he felt obligated too and I felt like I just leaned too much on him. I've leaned too much on family and a previous relationship before and both situations had bad results so I tend to resort to having to deal with things on my own because I'm just too hot headed.
I'm trying to do everything right. I know stress has been a serious issue for me most of my life. I'm on medications, I go to the gym minimum 2x per week, I'm working on eating better and sleeping better. I'm fucking trying and I'm still not on par with everyone else - story of my life, inadequate.
So, I called in "sick" today. I don't work with idiots, they can put two and two together to figure out why. I feel so embarrassed by my behavior last 6 months. I feel so intensely guilty for taking the day off. I feel like everyone is just rolling their eyes when they realize they have to tolerate working with me for a shift. I think they think I'm incompetent which makes me question if I'm incompetent. I feel like a stereotypical "weak millennial" for this.
I don't know how to not feel bad about taking a day off because I've completely lost my shit yesterday.
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self.offmychest
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I just found out that after trying my absolute hardest despite a raging eating disorder and suicidality, I failed at least one uni course. I can’t hold out any longer.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Consciously aware of how dumb this is, yet still experiencing physical reactions How is it possible for my brain to recognize that the perceived “threat” isn’t real, but the physica reactions continue to occur?
The chain of events that I feel I experience are
1. (occasionally) intrusive thought sets of alarm bells
2. uncomfortable physical reactions - shaking nausea elevated heart rate
3. full blown panic attack OR brain recognizes “hey everything is ok, its just anxiety, let’s calm down”
4. body continues to act crazy even though i mentally know things are not on fire
(this isnt always the case. sometimes my anxiety will be full blown for a day and i will think something is wrong even tho i dont know why! but in situations above, it feels ridiculous to me that i can see myself violently shaking and reply that i have no idea how to make it stop even tho i know its my anxiety)
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self.Anxiety
|
If you know you're going to be depressed for the rest of your life, is there any point in taking medication? It's not going to cure anyone or anything. I have my doubts that living with the side effects like weight-gain, diabetes, nausea, cavities (due to dry mouth) and many other things would make me happier.
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self.depression
|
Wellbutrin XL Hey all. For those of you that benefited from taking this medicine at 300 mg... how many 300 mg pills did it take for u to feel better? Were u guys taking 200 mg and 100 mg pills before taking 300 mg?
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self.depression
|
How do I go about checking myself into a mental hospital? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm having a bad anxiety attack and I don't know why. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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In the past I was a pretty bad person, I took drugs, lied and stole. I was lazy. I pushed away and treated like shit the people I loved the most. I lost everything. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I feel like want to spend the rest of my life working, because I want to forget that I feel sad and alone [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I got a boner today and I felt kind of bad about it Today, I came into the academic advising office for my major's department at my university. Mainly to talk about scheduling for the next few years and how a prospective double major as well as studying abroad would influence that.
My advisor for this appointment was an intelligent woman who knew stuff about scheduling like the back of her hand. She told me about loopholes and whatnot that I didn't even know existed, and I learned how long-term scheduling (at least in my case) is a lot more versatile than what I thought it was. Granted, being proficient at this is literally her job, but it was still impressive.
She was also quite attractive, which leads me to my next point.
I got a boner.
Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. I am an avid wearer of jeans, and it is quite easy to do the good old concealed carry in those. However, because I've been sick recently and have been dressing for maximum comfort, I was wearing sweatpants today. So, not much chance in hiding that. Unless if my sweater was baggier than I thought, there was little chance of avoiding my erection just shy of actively looking away from me.
I do hope she didn't notice, but even if she did, she was still so cool and nice for the duration of that meeting. Which somehow makes me feel a bit worse in the case that she did notice. I'm sorry if my bulge has made anyone feel uncomfortable.
:(
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self.offmychest
|
I told basically all my friends I was going to KMS. Now I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like such a fraud. I made some epic goodbye speeches and really planned on following through. Now I'm too scared to follow up and feel even more depressed.
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self.depression
|
Has anyone gotten any benefit from counselling / talk therapy? Most posts here seem to focus on medications, which makes sense as talk therapy isnt generally considered effective for bipolar disorder. Going into my final year of my bachelor's I am looking into trying anything that might prevent me from sinking into depression again (i am hoping taking my meds will be sufficient for preventing mania). My insurance offers weekly counselling with a psychologist and I am considering calling for an appointment. But I am hesitant since my schedule for the forseeable future is very packed and based on everything ive read it seems like somewhat of a waste of time. I already have a very good psychiatrist, but my appointments are limited to once a month for 15 minutes and mostly about medications. Is there any benefit to talking with a professional in preventing a depressive relapse?
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self.bipolar
|
Got Wellbutrin added to my Buspirone - will it help with my social anxiety (don't have any motivation or focus at all)! I know many people say it may make the social anxiety worse, but I think it may have the opposite effects. I need motivation, focus and energy. I just can't pull myself together. Doctor thinks i may have a slight for of ADD, but first wanted to Wellbutrin since I am also dealing with anxiety and some depression.
I am just wondering if anyone as successful trued wellbhutrin with it helping with their social anxiety? I think the stimulant effect will give me energy and motivation to work towards my goals, which will give me more self confidence and in turn help my anxiety.
Has anyone experience something like this. I start wellbutrin tomorrow. I know it takes a while to kick in.
What is everyone thoughts on wellbutrain for social anxiety, for someone that lack motivation, eregy and concentration?
The burpirsone is helping me GREAT. I just upped my dose to 20mg today, and I am really noticing a difference. Like I said, I just can't find the motivation to get stuff done. And I have A LOT of goals I want to accomplish to get my life going. But I just cant. Its really pissing me off. I hope wellbutrin works, because in 3 weeks I see my doc again and we my try another ADD medication. I want something that will make my head think straight/clear, allow me to focus on my goals, finish tasks while also making me more social and out going and increase my confidence. I just start getting my life in order and start working towards my goals. Im tired of living at my parents house working bullshit part time job. I have goals I WANT to do, but can't pull myself to together. I am just trying to excel my life and not live with my parents anymore. 24 years old, I want to get my shit going. I just need the motivation. I know people say wellbutrin increases anxiety levels, but I think it would do the opposite and make my more confidence, and focused with motivation
Opinion! help? thanks guys! this community as been a great support system for me.
Please let me know all your thoughts on this. I would really appreciate it
Please guys, I need your help and personal experiences. Thanks thanks!
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self.Anxiety
|
Brown in America "Yeah, but he doesn't act like it."
That's what my coworker's wife told my wife when they were out one day. I don't know how the conversation came up exactly, but it came up that I don't act "brown", "Islamic", or "Indian". My wife didn't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I don't know what is the way I should be acting, but this statement hurt. It also made me feel like I didn't belong.
Growing up in an Islamic family post-9/11 family, all I wanted to do as a kid was be a pilot. That dream, like most dreams, got the mix of "you can do it" and "ever think about something else?". Being who I am from my background, it also got something more subversive. A quick hesitation from some, with a look that sized up the 5th grader, wondering about my true intentions of wanting to fly. Even my own family urged me down a different path, thinking the US wouldn't accept me (i.e. us) doing that.
I'm a pilot.
I feel now, on getting to this point, I've lost my identity. I don't feel fully accepted by my community. I mean, im accepted into the fraternity of pilots, I'm just not in touch with being a White, Christian male. There's nothing wrong with it, not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that I'm a small voice drowned out by everything else.
People talk about deployments from the military, and when they were working with Saudis, Iraqis, etc., and talk about how fucked up their culture is, and blame Islam. They speak as if they're the experts of the religion, and all its evils. They cheer and nod along with talk that promotes anti-Islamic culture. They talk about how if Muslims come to America, they need to drop their religion, and align their ideas with American culture because it doesn't mix work with their beliefs.
And I stay silent.
I don't practice the religion. My family does. I know them as hard working, loving people who love this country. I feel like I let them down when I say nothing. I feel alienated from my own culture when I say nothing. But if I say anything, I only know it'll lead to a hardship on my wife and I, not those who say it. If I say anything, because I don't practice, I get comments like "why are you mad, you're not Islamic".
It kills me that if I say something, I'm the one at fault. I'm the one 'acting out' or putting a racial spin on it. I can't get angry because I don't practice, even though it's a culture I was raised on.
It's not everyone. It's not blatant sometimes. It's comments, small things said around work that aren't directed at me, but to a culture I know.
I don't feel accepted by any culture. I've lost an identity that most have.
Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
|
Reasons why I should kill myself I'm gay in a homophobic country,,,Have severe social anxiety,,,Am depressed,,,Dropped out of college twice,,,Have no friends,,,Have no romantic partner,,,Have no social life,,,Family thinks i'm a disappointment,,,Stuck in a job I dislike,,,Tried therapy which made me feel even worse
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Did my girlfriend of 3 years leave me because of my anxiety/depression? Hi there, in need of some advice..
On the 3rd of January my girlfriend of 3 years decided to tell me she wasn’t happy anymore and wanted to break up. Now, let me go back to the start.. I’ve always suffered from depression/anxiety but it’s been up & down/managed with medication over the years. Confidence has a lot to do with how good/bad it is too. If I’m feeling really good about myself my anxiety isn’t really apparent, but when I feel bad about myself or something that’s happened/happening it’s chronic. When we met I was very self confident, over the past 3 years I’ve had quite a few small low moments in my mental health (which she’s always been amazing with) She was incredibly understanding & great at looking after me etc. However, back in September we had a bad car accident which triggered my anxiety pretty badly. Ever since then our relationship has not been the same. I admit that I pushed her away sexually because I wasn’t feeling great so we weren’t sleeping together very much anymore. Another factor of this is because she drinks heavily, since the accident she’s been out of control with her drinking which has made her less attractive to me. I don’t want to be near her when she’s drunk & she knows this. Despite all this we’ve still been very affectionate towards one another since the accident (kissing/cuddling) just not a lot of sex. We had a good Christmas with her Family, but from Boxing Day onwards to New Year I was really poorly with my anxiety/period etc. She was working New Year but we spoke on the phone when midnight came & said we loved one another etc. She went drinking with work friends that night but didn’t come home until the next day. (Before anyone asks, no I don’t think there’s anyone else & I’ve even asked her. I think it’s just her love of the drink that she can’t seem to give up) The next 2 days after New Year she was going to work (she works in a pub) then came home & started drinking at half 2/3 in the afternoon. I was getting ready for work the day we broke up & could hear her making a drink. I shouted down to her.. ‘Babe are you drinking already?’ She replied ‘Babe it’s fine..’ After that I snapped. Her drinking was making my anxiety worse & she didn’t seem to care. I knew she had a problem but I love her more than anything & was willing to stick by her. I came home from work early to confront her about her drinking. Then out of the blue she turned around to tell me she was unhappy etc. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me & that she’d rather give up everything to move back home. (However she’s an hour away from home where we lived here & her whole family drink like she does) Since the break up we’ve seen each other a couple of times (She came round to talk, see the dog, pick up her stuff etc) When she first came round to talk she just told me that we hadn’t been the same for a few months & that she loved me but just wanted to be friends (which I declined) I told her I can’t be friends because I want to be with her. I can’t imagine my life without her & I’m willing to work through anything for us to be together, even her drinking. However she seems incredibly closed off to that idea & said the argument we had when we broke up was like the final straw for her. We went a week with no contact (which has been hell, I’ve never cried so much in my life. I am broken) However she text me this morning to say she hopes I’m alright & wonders when she could see our dog. I replied, answered her questions but asked how she felt about everything & if she still feels the same or if she’s willing to talk to me. Since then (this afternoon she’s read it but not replied) Now what do I do? I love her so much, I want us to be together.. but if she doesn’t I can’t keep seeing her just for her to see our dog. I feel awful by cutting her off from our dog if she replies that she still feels the same but I’ve given my heart & soul to her but nothing in return since we broke up. Please give me advice, help, where to go from here.. I’ve been medically signed off work with stress/anxiety until next week but I emotionally feel like a wreck, like my life has completely been torn apart by the one person who always said they’d never leave me. How can I trust anyone ever again if we don’t get back together? Do you think she left me because of my anxiety/depression & me pushing her away or because I confronted her drinking? Help.
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self.Anxiety
|
18th Birthday is coming up in a week and I'm afraid I'll snap and do it. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Should I try regular exercise before thinking of going to therapy?
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self.depression
|
the dream (im 16 btw, might be important. idk) i bet she would love me. she would care. she wouldn't have any shame saying "oh, that guy? i'm dating him, and i love him. he tells me i make him happy. he does anything for me, he even says he'd take a beating for me because he doesn't want me to get hurt. he never asks for sex and he makes me happy" to her friends or family. she wouldn't mind hugging the worthless, disgusting, ugly piece of shit that is me. she wouldn't run in fear at the thought of kissing me. she would have joy when she sees me. i would do just about anything for her. she would help end my pain (go view my post history if you want to know more. or don't, wouldn't be the first time someone didn't care) and i wouldn't feel alone. but yet out of 7 billion people she doesn't exist. i will never get a girlfriend nor have i ever had one, and i've never hugged, kissed or held a girls in any romantic setting. no girl will ever love me. i'll always just be stuck jerking off with my hand and looking at porn. maybe if i hit the lottery then i could find a girl willing to to at least act like she loves me for money. maybe then i wouldn't want to die on a daily basis. but the likelihood of hitting the lottery is slim to none. maybe i raped a girl or abused her in a past life, and this is the punishment i get. maybe i deserve this.
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self.depression
|
I'm not feeling suicidal. But right now I feel like it would feel so good just to put a bullet through my skull.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Bipolar vs Cyclothymia = how to avoid feeling as if you're exaggerating Hello everyone,
**first, I hope this is not offensive to anyone. If you think it is, please let me know.**
My fiancée has a diagnosis of cyclothymia, but she didn't get any real info on it by her psychiatrist. He kind of threw the diagnosis at her and left it at that, without offering any coping mechanism besides meds, or even a clear explanation on what it is.
My fiancée now feels like she has a milder version of Bipolar, and that her struggles aren't and won't be taken seriously by others because "at least it's not Bipolar", "it's not as bad so get over it".
Even worse, she often doubts the severity of her symptoms, and at time the diagnosis itself - I blame the way her psychiatrist handled things for this, but this is another topic entirely. She's afraid she's exaggerating and she'd tired of second guessing herself.
She can't see a therapist right now, so that's not an option. Do you have any advice/thoughts on this? Do you consider Bipolar *worse* than Cyclothymia?
Thank you
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self.bipolar
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How do I call the police in a different state to tell them my friend is trying to kill herself
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm gonna be alone on New Year's Eve.. again [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I FEEL LIKE SHIT RIGHT NOW. I FEEL LIKE SHIT RIGHT NOW. I don't know what to do.. Or well I have several thoughts that are going through my head.. Several that are extremely illogical and point blank stupid. Of those are essentially ways I imagine to end my life. I can hang myself or I can overdose. But I know all of these “scenarios” are stupid. So why can't I just shake it? Why do I just keep on thinking about it?? Do I secretly think that maybe some part of it IS logical?
But let's start by explaining what is the thing that triggered these emotions.
It's stupid I know, but it's work. I know that the end all and be all of a person is not defined by the person's profession. However, you can't deny the fact that the persons profession is a large part of that individual's life.
In short, I have been an utter failure at work when my depression hit and I am struggling to keep up. But the simple thoughts of..
I need to get work done.
I need to get my reports done.
I need to get my visits scheduled.
Thinking about these things sends several cyclical and debilitating emotions through my head. Thoughts of hopelessness, despair, impossible, monumental, and above all else that I struggle with the most is lack of ethical meaning.
I know there are different schools of thoughts on how I can proceed - of the most prevalent is to come to the realization and accept the fact that I'm in the situation I am in and also the associated emotions with it. I need to take these emotions and understand that these are purely my thoughts/feelings and not necessarily reality. For however much it perceive it is reality - it is NOT. This is an important realization that I must differentiate.
Thoughts are not reality.
Emotions are not reality.
Reality is reality and there is nothing in this world you can do about it.
I needed to ground myself. I needed to write this out. I needed this as a distraction. I needed this to refocus.
Thank you for listening.
|
self.depression
|
My last real attempt was in 2008, let’s see if I can succeed 10 years later. A lot has happened in 10 years. Hospitalizations, medication changes, lifestyle changes. The only thing that hasn’t changed is my deep and utter need to kill myself.
The only thing that keeps me from slicing my arms open with a scalpel I keep hidden is my family. I’m an only child of two people who absolutely hate each other and would probably off themselves if I did. They want me to make something of myself but that will never happen. To them, I’m the only thing they did with their lives that is worth anything and the problem is that I AM NOT WORTH ANYTHING.
I have no college degree, I work at a dead end job, live with my parents, and I’m basically 30. There’s literally nothing here for me. I love my parents and don’t want them to live miserably. That’s the only thing keeping me here. I almost wish they would just die in a car crash so I could finally end all of this.
I have a feeling this is my last year. This could even be my last day at this point. It’s gone too far. I don’t think it’s enough to live for them anymore. I don’t know what else to say.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I contacted an online suicide hotline chat and they "hung up" on me :/ I guess I'm pretty sleepy anyways. Maybe it was an accident or something. Just said they ended the chat. Oh well.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Hi, I’m looking for help! Hi everyone,
I’m just reaching out because bipolar (which has been a diagnosed part of my life for 11 years) is reaching a point I don’t know how to mitigate.
I’ve made an effort to medically and emotionally set myself up well, but am at a bit of an impasse.
I’m sure this subreddit is a wealth of love and info that I could rifle through, but tbh I just need someone to tell me life is okay, worth it, and something I can conquer.
P.S. I’m openly weeping on the bus, which is definitely not embarrassing ;)
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm being crushed. It's all crushing me. I know I need to move on and move up, I desperately want a purpose, but seeking it out looks like an indomitable task. I'm frozen with indecision, my motivation is literally gone, I wake up tired, I hate my job, little things can infuriate me, I spend hours upon hours upon hours at the computer trying to escape it all, I can't bring myself to speak to my dad on the phone (which has unhelpfully spawned a lot of confused/angry text messages), and I just don't know how to proceed.
I ran and I ran, but at last it all caught up to me. The enormity of the total collapse of the life I lived for 23/25 years has fallen on me like a ton of bricks, and it's paralyzed me.
The past two years have been horrendous. I thought I'd handled them well, but two recent events shook that belief: 1) my brother to his credit is going to start talking to a therapist; 2) my friend simply observed, "You look exhausted" when I came into work after a good night's sleep.
As for that 2015-2017 window.... My parents got divorced, leaving me in no-man's-land (no thanks to my siblings, who took the divorce way worse than me and refused to speak to my dad for a year). I'm at a job I despise, but when I look at new ones all I can see are faults. The Dept. of Education is hammering me with student loan payments and it's only a matter of months before my savings are wiped out and the loans start to go unpaid. A girl I had fallen for hard gave me the brush and never looked back. My brother is falling apart, smoking and drinking and partying (though as I said *he* recognized something wrong too) while my sister is withdrawn and lashes out at the slightest provocation-- basically, home has become toxic.
Never mind hitting the ground running, I feel like graduation was tantamount to being pushed out of a plane. Now it's ceaseless from both parents: "Have you got a real job yet? Why are you still single? What are you doing with your life?"
I wish they would understand "I don't know." I really don't.
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self.depression
|
Why do I even keep trying to live? For the last two hours my roommate is telling me how he kissed my crush, every day is another step back, everyday I have to try harder and harder to get out of bed and keep up my facade, every day I get lonelier and lonelier, week after week it gets harder. Always another problem, always another punch in the face. The only reason I didn't took the exit bag yet is because I don't want my 2 roommates to have to pay my rent after I'm dead.
Anti depressants just make me aggressive and I get a therapist, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't know how long I can keep up this facade, I barely sleep, barely eat and puke the little I do eat right back up
Please just give me one good day, one day without problems, one day without something going wrong - Just. One. Single. Day.
|
self.depression
|
i’m becoming terrified of my future so i’m 16, a junior in high school. my whole life i’ve struggled with confidence in my abilities. i doubt myself a lot and i’m aware of it, but i can’t seem to stop doing it.
but like anyone else my age, i have my permit and i get my license in 6 months. however, i don’t like to drive. i haven’t driven since the week after i got my permit, 6 months ago. i’m not scared i’m going to get in an accident or hurt somebody or anything like that. when i did my 6 hours to get my permit i was actually told i was a better driver than most. but i have this issue where i’m terrified of what others will think of me if i fuck up. something small like doing a shitty job when i change lanes or something scares me into not wanting to drive at all bc i don’t want anyone to think less of me. i know that’s stupid and not a reason i shouldn’t drive but that fear consumes me in my everyday life.
i promised my dad i’d start driving after the new year, and i plan to uphold that, maybe it’s just a hump i have to get over. we’ll see. but with getting my license in 6 months, that also means that i gotta be able to pay for gas money. which means i have to get a job.
so i’ve tried to get a job before. quit after the first day. i didn’t like my position, the place itself, or the people. it was a general store that sold sandwiches and drinks and stuff like that. i was the cashier, and being a quiet person that didn’t work for me. the owner kind of humiliated me by making me repeatedly use the intercom system to call out peoples sandwich orders, saying i’m “too quiet” and yeah, correct me once and i’ll fix it, no big deal, but don’t make me do it over and over, that just put me down. and then my friend who works there told me a few days later how the owners and some of the employees were making fun of me about how i was quiet and that i wasn’t saying thank you to the customers for their business. like yeah, i’m sorry i didn’t do that, that’s my fault, but it was my first day, i was stressed the fuck out, cut me some slack. the owners also scared me away with their whole “you have to uphold this expectation to the customers because our store has been here for over 75 years”, and yes i would expect your worker to be nice to customers and have good hospitality but don’t throw that at me and say that. it just scared me and turned me away.
long story short, my first job experience kind of was crap and it made me not want to do it anymore. i don’t want people to criticize me or look at me in a negative way. it just put a bad taste in my mouth.
so driving and getting a job are my struggles right now, but i have to do them i guess, im just terrified for reasons that i shouldn’t be worried about. but i don’t know how to get over my fears.
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self.depression
|
My pain was ignored, I had a hysterectomy, and I am angry. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Anonymous confession to the wall. This account has very little attaching to me. I have an actual account. But this post I hope dies.
I'll explain the account name, I have a dark sense of humor, I love cats and I am 22. None of this matters but if you can somehow know who I am, just forget me. I am not worth your time remember.
I never planned to live this far. My plan was 18. I wanted to take my life for the first time when I was 4. Its my earliest solid memory, not the one I tell people is my earliest memory that one was one that my mother told me about so it just hold well with everyone else. God knows my actual memory is me hitting my head violently against the wall. I hit my head until it bleed once, but I stopped because I feared my mother would be upset that her kid would die. I stopped because regardless of the lack of empathy I feel for myself; I still feel it for others. I just look in the mirror and see some kid who doesn't matter. I could go into why I don't matter but that just seems to be my issue and could get me linked to who I am.
As one might guess I ended up not dying at four my mother was able to get me a little help from someplace that didn't seem to get that I barely spoke after my dad died. They told me to stop keeping my negative emotions to myself or to stop bottling them up as one of them said and rang through the walls through my mothers house every time I wouldn't talk to her.
I tried to help myself but I found it easier to hide those negative emotions because I was still having the good ones sometimes not like the bad ones didn't just wave sign that said "I'm still here!" So I got better, I hid those emotions further. I ended up studying other people who seemed to be normal, taking pieces from this person and that person until I made a person so fake that no one knew what I was actually feeling. No one knows or people just think I am just a little "quirky" but always so happy and a bundle of joy. No one sees this force that keeps me here or the force that keeps me thinking about ending it the same way each time.
This part of me that both pulls and pushes me to and from the edge leaves me hanging, because I failed life, I spent my school years educating myself to the point where I was able to go to college around the same time I could first drive for the only reason of living to my families expectations. Until I die I get to keep lying to people to let them have a nice life and not worry about me while I continue pretending to be happy and always wishing that I would just die from a heart attack so didn't look like I killed myself.
TL;DR? I would avoid any profession that requires reading.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
DAE find it hard to chill out because you feel like your wasting time? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I’m not sure The majority of the time I go to speak in english, my throat closes up and I can’t speak, I run out of breath quickly and get very embarrassed, is this anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Whats the point? Disappointment after disappointment. Everybody sais it gets better, but it never has. I'm depressed for over 2 years now. I scared everybody away with it, I can't talk to anybody about it. My therapy has come to an end, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I just don't want to feel the pain anymore and let it all go.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I just thought of an analogy to anxiety Have you ever seen one of those videos, on r/sweatypalms of people high up in the air with no safety percautions? No safety net, no rope, no railing? And your mind is going through all the things that could go wrong. They could trip, they could slip, what they are standing on could collapse, they could have a cramp, they could faint, or simply have a gust of wind blow them off. That's what anxiety is like (at least with me) but for everything. Every conversation. Every social interaction, every risk, every time I go to school and worry there is a stain on my clothes that I can't see. And it doesn't even make sense. I have hung my feet over the edge of abandoned buildings up 30 feet in the air with little hesitation, but I cannot bring myself to say one sentence to my crush.
Ugh
|
self.Anxiety
|
Planning. I have a date,a place,a method,
but I want to do it now.
Right at this moment.
Fear stops me.
I think this is the lowest moment of my life.
I don’t talk to anybody,I don’t even respond.
It’s like I’m dying.
I’m getting close...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I lie to make myself appear better than I really am. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Tried to overdose but I just can’t do it [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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