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Really struggling with working. Please, any advice? Every second I spend at work is literally agonising. It causes panic attacks and makes me feel just as depressed as the lowest point in my episodes. Now Christmas is here, I have an unfathomable amount of hours to do with barely any time off. Then any time I do get away is so filled with depression and panic anyway, I just can't get a single day without this pain, being made worse and worse.
I can barely get through the idea of having to work tomorrow, let alone getting through everything else. I just want to feel okay, but it's already been like this for months.
This is at least my next 60 years, I cannot understand how people can get through this. Please, any help?
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self.bipolar
|
Am I unlovable is that it? Yesterday, the girl I was seeing called it quits. Not a big deal in and of itself, but the fact is I've never had a LTR, I've never had anything that I would even consider a proper relationship. Its always the same thing, things start off great, we have good chemistry and a good thing going. But they always say they don't feel it, and end it pretty quickly. I hate being defeatist about this, so I always try to keep my chin up, but its starting to get to me.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel overcome with anger and irritability. This is not me. I feel like I want to scream. Do forgive me, I need to get this out somewhere.
It hit me as soon as I woke up. I'm so angry with everything, I feel desperate. Part of me wants to scream for help and part of me wants to stay in bed and sleep my life away so I can just stop feeling things.
I hate my work situation. I love the people I work with and everything is fine other than my manager. I hate her. No one has ever made me so irritated. She micromanages and I can't work with her breathing down my neck. She also has some sort of authority complex and wants to make herself look like she's so amazing at her job. If any of my team have a quiet day she goes on and on about how no one should have any free time and we should all be busy all the time.
I feel so resentful towards everything. Everything feels so bleak and all I want to do is quit my job and run home to my parents and not have to face anyone. I'm so stuck in a rut that I don't know what to do. My head feels like it's boiling up and it's about to overflow.
I just don't know what to do about any of this. Sorry for the rant.
|
self.depression
|
I don't know. Holidays suck for a lot of people. I'm no one special. When she decided to give up on a decade-long relationship, I thought I'd be okay. With Xmas coming up, I knew it would suck, but it's worse than I imagined. The family buzzed around as I sat on the bed for 45 minutes unable to move. When I could move, I tried a shower but had a hard time with even that. When she yelled at me for holding up the family, I told her to go. I don't know why I took so long in the shower. Maybe I didn't want to go. I keep telling myself it's because I wanted reassurance that going to my ex's family's house for xmas would be okay since I felt like utter shit about it. But.. she yelled at me instead. Told me I was holding up the family. Called me names. I told her to just go and eventually she did. I miss my kids. This is my first Christmas, let alone day without them. I'm very tired. I don't know if I see a point in any of this anymore. I know the kids would miss me, but.. maybe everyone is just better off. My soul is tired. It's just cold and empty inside of me at the moment. I could Uber there but they already opened their gifts. It's too late. Christmas is ruined. And it's my fault. I got nothing for Xmas, and all I wanted was to be around my family. But my family is gone. Her parents were my family until now, but I'm alone. So.. fuck it. Why bother.
Fuck it. I mean I don't know why I'm here. It's all pretty stupid when you think about it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Not Diagnosed but I believe I may think I'm bipolar, and maybe my therapist thinks as well. Maybe. Hi everyone!
Before starting I want to say 2 things: 1- I'm super newbie here, tho I've been reading a lot lately. 2- English isn't my first language, so I'm really sorry if sometimes what I say seems a bit odd.
I'm sorry if I shouldn't been posting here because I have no diagnosis for any spectrum of bipolarity. Also I don't look for one from you guys don't worry!
I just want to take it out of my chest because this past 5 days I had a rough "episode" that started with anxiety and panic attacks and ended with me really convincing my self that I was bipolar, after revisiting the past 10 years of my life, MOSTLY the "good times" that I started then to associate with hypo-mania, instead of being just "great times". Also, I'm a 25 female-ish.
Anyways... I'm not self-diagnosing my self. I mean, I really am not sure that I could ACTUALLY be bipolar. BUT still that episode of 5 days with almost no sleep, no eating, and really racing thoughts and analyzing my hole life, "CERTAIN without doubt" that "I have been bipolar the last 10 years of my life"...
Today I'm so much more calm. I haven't sleep for like 36 hours, but I feel good; I feel centered and I actually had been productive and nice and calm.
And today I had therapy.
I've been in talk therapy for the past year, because I spent all my 2016 in my room, depressed as fuck. I had "real reasons" like my grandfather's dead... but still... after 2 years depression and 1 year isolation...
Anyways, this year has been so much better. Still a bit of depression, still a lot of anxiety, but more productive, functional.
But for the 4 past months, I've been slowly starting to think, not anymore about my depression, but about what was there before. "That other me" that I always loved so much; so intelligent, so full of life, so sure that everything would be ok, that she was great and if she wanted, she could. A good me. A happy me.
The last 4 months, tho... I've been seeing the other face of the "happy me". The more happy I was, the more sure of me, sure that everything would be ok, that I knew what I was doing with my life... the more I put my self in really fucked up places.
Never before I thought about the fucked up places... I always taught, missing her, about the happy me.
But damn... that happy me was a teenager that managed to have really insane relationships with 50+ years old friend of family, for
for example... lots of others stuffs but those ones seems to me the most "really fucked up". Like I was 16 years old, and I was in that state of mind that I really thought what I was doing and our relationship as so great, and destiny, and I was the queen of the world, and I was inventing new deep ways of being with an other person.
ANYWAYS... again... not searching for a diagnosis... Actually is almost the opposite.
Today I went to therapy and I told my therapist that I had almost lost it for the 5 past days.
I just DIDN'T mentioned "bipolar", because I was calmer, and I don't like the idea of self-diagnosis, and even I'm afraid that now I'm analyzing my life "as if i was bipolar" and so my conclusions automatically do the role of "being bipolar symptoms".
And of course... fear. There is a part of me that is too afraid of what the answer could be if I asked "do you think I'm bipolar"... tho I don't know if I'm more afraid of a "no", than a "yes". I really don't want to be bipolar, or have any mental illness, but at the same time it would be a sort of relive being able to put a name in what "is wrong with me".
Anyways, I didn't talk about bipolarity with my therapist. But I did told her about the 5 days going crazy about being crazy. And I did told her what I taught about "the happy times", that now I see like SO INSANE, wrong.
AND SUDDENLY she was the one that started talking about "MANIC EPISODES". Like... she didn't "talked" about them, but she mentioned them so often (she NEVER did that before). Like "yes I understand that when you are in those manics episodes", "but you know there is a middle ground between your depression and your manic episodes" "it is normal that you miss your manic you". ((btw, I think she meant it more like "hypomanic" but meh... MEH because really now my problem is exactly that I don't know what she meant and I'm super overthinking it.
I don't know if she realized I was talking about bipolarity spectrum when saying "I've been 5 days trying to convince my self that I was crazy and going crazy about that".
Or if I'm SO sure (probably wrongly) about being bipolar that all I told and how I told it was a way to convince HER too that I'm bipolar.
Or if she actually things I may have some king of bipolar spectrum disorder.
Or if she was just testing how I reacted if she brought that on the table.
Or even if she didn't even realized she was using those words.
And well.. I personally didn't react. I really did my best avoiding the "possible diagnosis part" (from me or even form her).But I cant shut up the part of me that says "well.. she did said manic episodes referring to the episodes you are convinced are hypomanic episodes..."
At the end she even asked "would you take meds to feel better?". My family has an history of "not believing in mental illness and meds"... I was like that also, tho I've been changing my mind because I have been able to empathize and understand very close friends with mental illness... and probably also because of my own depression, that, even if it had a "motive", went WAY too far. So I just said like "Omg no. Or maybe. I don't know, don't want to have this conversation now". But then I said "but now I'm worried that YOU think I should take meds and I WILL overthink that". And she said "wait, no, I didn't said I thought you should take them. I asked because you look very anxious about you "being wrong" and wanting to feel better, so I was just asking if you think that's (meds) an option".
I just said again I didn't know and didn't want the conversation.
But now, again, I'm so overthinking about WHY she asked. + WHY she talked about manic phases.
When REALLY it has NEVER been in the table. She NEVER before talk about "manic phases" or even about meds.
Obviously we do talk a lot about depression instead.
Damn... I don't know even why I'm writing this down or what I except about posting it. I guess I just really needed to take it out of my chest. I so wish someone could explain me what my therapist thinks. I know you cant. I feel dumb I didn't asked her. But at the same time I'm so afraid of the answer... and I really don't even know which answer afraids me more.
Anyways... I wont see her for like 3-4 months, because I go away into a field trip with my college. And I'm just so anxious about it, because I probably was looking for her to say something like "no no, you are so not bipolar", and instead of that, she didn't said I was, but she kind of maybe said that I may (she didn't said that either... but... adsfgajdfs). And I'm just afraid because this 3-4 months I need to be productive and functional, so I need to be able to deal with depression (I've been doing ok dealing with it this past 6 months, even if it's never gone gone). But what afraid me is the other one. If I may really maybe have those "manic phases" as SHE SAYS (hypomanic) then what if I'm actually already triggering it and then yes I will not be depressed, but happy, in my field trip... BUT i will just end whit damn fucked up things LIKE ALWAYS ... IF those "happy time" I now see like MAYBE hypomanic are truly hypomanic phases.
Oh and yes, I'm also afraid I'm being actually hypochondriac and just making me (and maybe my therapist even...) believe I'm bipolar... and then act/fake like one because I would believe it. And I believe it, even if I know I am probably not.
Damn... I'm really sorry about this super long post.
Thanks for reading and... I guess I really just wanted to take it out of my chest and maybe see if someone can relate, or just to feel less awkward surrendered by people that at some point may have struggle throw the idea of a possible diagnosis.
Hugs to everyone :3
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self.bipolar
|
Nothing important Weird - ten minutes and I know I’d be regretting this. I’m doing it over a girl. Yet here I am i my bathtub trying to type with one hand ans with a big cut on my arm. Throwaway account to say goodbye to like minded people. I guess I lost - if I end up ok,I’ll update this
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm haunted by a relationship that ended years ago. I've posted this in off my chest, because I've never had the guts to talk about this with anyone other than my therapist. (My therapist wasn't as helpful as I had hoped) but
just now a picture of this ex girlfriend came up on Facebook. I've gone through so much to avoid seeing her face. I'm always afraid I'll see her in public. Sometimes I think I see her and it's not her obviously.
Four years ago, my wife and I had a trial separation. I was with this girl for maybe five months total. She was horrible. Controlling. Histrionic. She didn't want me being around my daughter and my wife at the same time. She didn't want me to talk to my wife... etc. I became an unrecognizable person to those who knew me. I 'm ashamed of how I handled the whole thing.
Five months. Four years ago. And I still think about it. Even though my wife and I fixed our relationship, even though we've had another kid together. Even though I am happier now than I've ever been. I still think about that brief time. I still think about that girl. I find myself wondering what that horrible person is up to. I think about if she feels the same way about me. I think about how I want her to know I fixed my relationship with my wife. I want her to know I'm happy now. I think about what horrible things I've done.
And today, out of the fucking blue... I see a picture of her because some one on my Facebook page ran into her at random and tagged her. Do I like the post? Do I ignore it? Either way, I'll be thinking about it all day. And I obviously can't talk to my wife about it.
Would love any support you can muster. Sorry for the throwaway.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My boyfriend says I shouldn’t listen to relationship advices from the internet [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I deleted facebook because fuck it. Facebook made me feel so lonely. I used to keep it so I could ask people for job references, but with the job I have right now, I don't think I'll need them.
So fuck Facebook. That shit was dumb anyway.
|
self.depression
|
A Year Later I didn't think I'd post here again but I'm desperate. In the year since i last posted, I've grown shallow and empty.
My natural response to everything, is to kill myself. Food is cold? No problem, I'll just kill myself.
I'm alone and the isolation is killing me. The voice in my head is killing me. I want to feel human again.
I want someone to talk to me again, someone who isn't a dead person talking in my head.
If this keeps up i will just jump. I'm on the edge right now. I don't fucking care anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I annoyed this person but did she hate me in the end still? I had a last appointment to get travel expenses for my new job with my job advisor who I'd been going to for 6 months. I'd never really got on with her in recent times as I used to just keep my head down rather than saying hello to her and I always felt she hated me because im quiet and ugly (the type no advisor wants to bother with) I got a new job and I told my new job that id been in a temporary work placement the last 6 months rather than being with that advisor the last 6 months as I said (because they didn't want to see too many gaps in unemployment, I lied) and my advisor (who didn't know tbh) contacted my new job to confirm my employment, and then my new manager questioned me about where I actually was the last 6 months ( I nearly got sacked) I emailed my advisor angry about it, but I quickly apologised as I realised she didn't know I lied. Then the next day I emailed her and asked her could I get a bus pass for the first week of work as I worked a week in hand and apologised also. I went in to my advisor and she asked me about getting to work and how much it usually costs me and she was looking at meeting furrowed eyebrows. I felt bad and there was an awkward silence as she was writing the paper form out for the bus pass, so I apologised again she then said 'it's alrigggghht' (but sounded annoyed) I then explained my manager questioned me about it and she seemed surprised like wtf and said 'did he?' And then she said 'just we have to contact them to confirm your employment' Then I said 'Its ok I understand' and she went quiet as she written the paper form out for me. A moment later she passed me the form and I stood up to go and said thanks, then she leaned forward slightly sitting down with her hand out and said 'awwwwwwwwwww, awwwww (more like rrrrrrrr) (it was prolonged than what I typed like an gap filler tongue tied I think) and said a few things then I said ok and slowly walked away (out of nervousness) she then said 'let me know if you need anything else' I just said ok and slowly walked away and then she said ' oh..and I'll stay in contact to see how your getting on, I'll contact you by email if that makes things easier for you' and smiled (she said it all really nicely) I said 'oh ok thanks, great' (I'm really shy)she said 'awww ok' then she turned back around sitting on her chair and said 'oh and...(I turned around) well done' and smiled.she said well done a lot since I got that job.
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self.offmychest
|
Free Time causing more and more anxiety During this long weekend, I'm dealing with a particular bout of depression and anxiety that exceeds anything I've had in some time. I find that this always happens when I have a long period of free time, as my inability to determine what to do with my time causes extreme anxiety. I know I want to do something USEFUL with my time, but I just cannot figure out what it is. I have plenty of interests (guitar, reading, writing, watching sports, running, playing video games, drawing). The problem becomes that I don't have enough free time to work on all of those interests so I become nervous that I'll start to lose ground on my other hobbies. I get trapped in my own head and I can't seem to let go until I return to the work week. When I'm busy during the week none of this seems to happen.
Any advice on how to start dealing with this? Should I maybe cut back on some of my hobbies so I don't have to make such a decision during every extended period of free time?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Back to work tomorrow and I’m so anxious So I didn’t get my colleagues a Christmas present... everyone in the department got me a birthday and Christmas present so I feel really nervous to go back and have not got them anything.
I just didn’t want to think about work over the holidays and I left a week early thinking they wouldn’t gift me...
I’m an intern and the money I’m earning I’m saving for uni :/
I just feel really bad that they’ll think I’m selfish :/
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self.offmychest
|
Decision-making & Depression I've been stuck at the same crossroads for so long, unmoving. I thought, eventually, that the stagnancy and indecision would lift but it hasn't.
Has anybody figured out a way through decision-making when the depression is real? Everything feels wrong. So I sit still, in an awful place. I don't have mental clarity- haven't for some time, and I am afraid that if I move in any direction it will surely be catastrophic.
How do you move forward despite depression messing with your thinking?
|
self.depression
|
My mom passed away July of this year from ALS. It's been 4 months and I still can't stop crying. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Is it possible to be happy but not want to live anymore? I’m not depressed or anything. My life is good. I just don’t want to live anymore. I still have these thoughts of actually killing myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm on a new medication and it's making me feel like shit In two weeks it's my next appointment with my doctor. Stupid drugs, why they can't work as intended?
|
self.depression
|
Can’t cope with not being attractive The only times I have confidence is when I feel attractive. But I just look like shit
|
self.Anxiety
|
Traveling abroad with meds? I know it's probably a bit of a longshot but I figure I will ask anyway...anyone have experience with bringing psych meds when traveling abroad? Specifically, to Spain? I'm going on a week's vacation there in a month from now - my fam and I actually chose it partially due to being seasonally affected- and it's my first time traveling abroad A) since 10th grade, so 19 years later, and B) on psych meds. I am on Lamictal, Wellbutrin XL, Ritalin, and Lunesta, and I'm not keen on the idea of avoiding the hassle by going off of them for the week. I looked at the State Department and Spanish Embassy websites and they talk about letters, forms, export and import licenses...all of which is SO not helping my anxiety. A good friend of mine traveled there post-9/11 and when a friend visited her there who was on psych meds, she said he got hung up at customs for hours.
Even after surfing multiple websites I'm not able to get exact clarity about if Ritalin is considered narcotic or controlled over there (I know it's Sched II here in the US), some say I need my prescriptions and a letter, some say just one or the other, some say it must be in Spanish and others don't...
I'm probably just overthinking it or freaking out more than I should, but I really just don't want any nasty surprises because I really want to enjoy my trip.
Help?
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self.bipolar
|
Worst night ever So I decided to go out last night up to Sonora. Which is an hour from where I live. My friend was telling me to come and go bar hopping with him. So we did. And he told me I could crash at his place. Long story short I ended up getting ditched by my friend and was alone all night. I was an hour away from home with nowhere to stay. My friend ditched me probably for another girl. So I was all alone in a back of a bar scared and eventually started panicking and crying. And while this was happening I kept getting hit on by older men. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt stupid and foolish for even going out. I thought he was my friend. But knowing now he is clearly not my friend. Anyways I ended up at a motel paid 100$ for a room and cried all night. I’ve never felt so stupid and left behind. I wanted to go home but I didn’t want to risk getting a dui no way. So I walked to the nearest motel. I honestly hate people. I’ve never felt so low in my life. I blocked him on Facebook and messaging everything. I deserve more than a disgusting drunk night. I’m tired of being treated like nothing. I think I handled things pretty well for what I was facing but I was still scared. There were creeps around left and right and even one drunk guy randomly got into my car like it was nothing! I was sitting in my car contemplating if I should try to go home or stay at a motel. And he randomly got into my passenger seat. I screamed GET OUT! He could have hurt me. I could have been really hurt out there. Only one guy actually tried to help me. And get me safe somewhere. But just the fact that this guy left me stranded at a drunken bar is NOT ok. You would think he would at least let me sleep on the floor or something! But nooo my safety isn’t important. Fucking bullshit. I need new better friends who support me and want the best. Ughhh I’m still mad at what happened. I’m just glad I didn’t drive home drunk I wouldn’t have gotten far. God was really shielding me last night. And I’m so glad I got home eventually.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I become so Obsessed with things i like that it takes away the enjoyment i have with it, how do i stop? A while ago I discovered this music group that is obscure in the west. I have so far downloaded most of their albums and singles from a career of over 20 years, so it's a lot to put it simply. Besides that I have a folder with nearly 80gb of videos and pictures of one of the singers.
Its hard to keep up with news about them since I don't speak the language, and I'm always on a state of nerves to keep myself updated, trying to find streams or downloads of the latest TV appearances,etc. I browse a forum for the singer in their language, and for some reason whenever I see a new post I get all anxious, I immediately past it on google translate only to read gibberish.
Recently I came across an exhaustive list of all of their songs. Some of those I just can't find, and I'm getting really anxious about it. Just now I was trying to find them, and I got so worked up over it that I'm still having a little bit of pain on my chest, and my eyelid won't stop twitching. The fact that I'll probably never listen to those makes me so anxious.
I hate to be like this, this takes away all of enjoyment I get from listening to them, watching videos,etc. I hate this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Those of you who see or used to see a therapist/counselor how much have they helped? My parents want me to see a counselor for my anxiety and anger management issues, but in the end it's my decision. I think it would be nice to finally be able to talk to someone, but I'm just nervous about opening up to someone like that, especially since bottlimg my emotions is one of my problems, and kind of don't want to go. How has your life been changed for better (or worse) by seeing a counselor?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I really wanna die (24 M) English is not my first language... Sorry for the redaction.
I've been depressed for 3 years since she left me. I'm fucking tired and angry. I hate feeling like this. Nothing makes me happy. I'm in a new relationship now, but I don't love her. I don't think I'll make it through this year.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
We don't need any more celebrities running for president. One of my least favorite trends of the Trump era is any half-relevant celebrity in America considering a presidential bid. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of Kanye, the Rock, Zuckerberg, whoever, thinking they have the intelligence, the experience, or the guts to run the most powerful nation in the world. And I'm sick of all the halfwit comments on social media going "ha ha well he can't be as bad as Trump! He should run!"
Like, no, sorry, but *fuck that*. "Not as bad as Trump" should not be our main qualification to be a political leader. Besides, I don't know how you could look at the mess currently residing in the Oval Office and think "oh, we need *more* people with absolutely no governmental experience, that'll work out fine". We already had our experiment. We already elected someone with no knowledge of the political system. Do you think it worked? Do you think Dwayne fucking Johnson would really be any better? I don't.
Maybe these celebrities are good people. I don't know. I don't entirely care. We don't just need any random good person. We need somebody who knows what they're doing and can keep everything running as it should be right from day one. We need somebody who can negotiate with Congress. We need somebody who won't look like an idiot in front of foreign leaders. We don't need a celebrity. We need a politician, and anyone who can't see that now, of all possible points in history, honestly might need their head examined.
Regardless of your political leanings, surely you agree that we need to elect someone whose only bright spot is "not being as bad as the last person"; we need to elect someone with knowledge and compassion, who will try to effect real, constructive change in our country. Mark Zuckerberg is not that person. Kanye West is not that person. Dwayne Johnson is not that person. Oprah, or George Clooney, or whoever else I've heard rumors about, is not that person, unless they spend a few years as a governor or senator and learn what the hell they're doing first.
The most powerful country in the world is not something we can entrust to any random movie star or socially inept rich kid, especially not one who's arrogant enough to think they could run a government without any experience whatsoever. We should have figured out by *now* that we really, really don't need any more celebrities running for president.
tl;dr Saw an article saying the Rock is seriously considering a presidential run and got unnecessarily steamed, sorry.
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self.offmychest
|
Things getting better Just got the runners high :), running daily, Ran twice today, looking in better shape and ive only been running for like 6 days :)
Understand that anxiety aint u, start to understand your anxious thoughts, notice them, and give the bitch some resistance.
Btw: (the runners high works better if you in a negative mood, search it up, so whenever u feel like shit go for a fucking run
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self.Anxiety
|
"dude just go to the doctor lmao" i've spoken with so many psychiatrists and psychologists. i take SEVEN fucking useless pills that don't do anything else than kill my libido. i'm lost. i must die.
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self.depression
|
dating even though you know you'll die soon I know that I am going to end up killing myself. That's what I've always planned on. I'm not making this post to have people tell me that it's going to be okay or to seek help, because I know all of that. Every moment of my life for a very long time has been centered around suicide. A lot of the time, it's all I can think about. It's not an active plan, but more of an obsession.
Recently I started dating a man who fell in love with me, but the whole time all I could think about was killing myself still. I broke up with him because I thought it was unfair to him, that I was unhappy because of my illness and how it's damage control. Was this the right thing to do? He keeps insisting that I let him help me but I know that he can't.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I crave the feeling of being useful and appreciated. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I don’t want my dad’s foreign wife to come to America [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Metformin for atypical anti-psychotic metabolic syndrome? Hey! Has anyone here taken metformin to help combat the anti-psychotic induced weight gain.
I take Seroquel and it's causing the most ridiculous cravings. I've managed to not gain weight, but only because I was taking weight loss pills which is terrible for bipolar people, I know, but I was desperate.
I spoke with my Dr after doing some research and she agreed that I should try it and put me on it now. Only been a few days, but I definitely notice the cravings have stopped which is major. Its also free through Publix, CVS and Blink Health, so nothing to lose but hopefully the weight!
Anyone have any success stories?
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self.bipolar
|
Want to kill myself becausei have no future. Is it really worth it to work in a dead end minimum wage? Because i believe that i can't get a better job because of my disability. I do many times think about suicide. Why? Because i dont want to work in a minimum wage job all my life. That would be very Depressing. I would always be dirt poor. Is such a lvie really worth living? Working in a dead end minimum wage job all your life? What do you think? Is it worth it? The pay is so low that you cant afford any luxuries, or maybe a few but you will never live a normal middle class life. Its just existing. Then you will need to work till you are dead because you will never able to retire on a minimum wage job. But because im disabled i believe i can't get something better. Only unskilled work. So should i kill myself?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My MDD stole my happiness away. I can't recall the day I was genuinely happy at all.
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self.depression
|
my bipolor and meth ok so in high school i did meth a few times and i must say the high that i got from meth isnt too much from the high i get from my manic episodes,as a person with bipolor im mainly on the manic side,but i never got addicted to meth not sure why?,my thoery is people that are depressed get addicted easier than people whom are not having mania most of the time i already had a high that could sometimes get as euphoric as meth any thoughts?
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self.bipolar
|
It's been a rough 6 years I'm 22, F, and for as long as I can remember, I have thought about killing myself.
(Currently drinking, please excuse any and all spelling mistakes)
I always thought having suicidal thoughts and tedencies was normal, because of the people I hung out with, but as I got older, I realise that is no longer the case.
I've been on and off medication for about a year and a bit, ad the first batch on meds I was on, was the worst thing ever (sertralie 50mg), I took that for about 6 months on an off, just to have a bit of normalcy in my lif. Recently, I've been put on a lower dose (Citalopram 20mg) which has started out great. I didn't feel like a zobie, i didn't feel weak walking, or even sitting up. I could keep food down. I felt like a normal huan being. That was about 5 weeks ago. I've always been suicidal, from a very young age, but I never told my family about it. Now that my family knws about it, they keep sayibg I have no reason to feel or be suicidal, just like m=I have no reason to be depressed. I took a day off from work today, and I got told, I'm throwing everyone in the shit for today, which ust piled on to how I was feeling.
I'm currently drining wine, and may drink another bottle, and see if I am coscious enough to take some pills. Ive never really used this place, but it seemed like a good place to just kind f let things go. I dont expect any sort or form of response on this. I guess I just wanted to see if it would get posted or whatever.
I apologise if this was a wste of time. But I feel like a waste of space.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.
I always thought I'd join the 27 club, but I'm not famous enough for it, but I've got a drug habit anyway that I' not proud of.
Thank you.
I love you, stranger
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nothing special You know, it feels really pathetic that I feel this shit for no apparent reason, when there are people living lives that are so much worse and they're happy, whilst I arguably live a decent life. I'm 17 and live a normal mid-upper class life whilst going to school. I've not undergone any parental abuse and no real bullying. Even though my life seems fine I'm at this state of not being sad enough to kill myself, but not happy enough to enjoy life. I barely sleep at night (last 4 days i've slept about 6 hours in total) and when I'm not sleeping I just look at my roof and hate myself in most ways and contemplate why I think like I do etc. My parents have no clue what's going on and they just think I'm a normal, nerdy teen.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think im guaranteed to flunk out of school and I want to die [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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If you're depressed, how often do you have good days? I've been feeling more down lately and I don't think I'm really depressed, but I just wanted to compare with others' experiences. Even though I started experiencing more down days lately, probably every 4-5 days I'll have a better day where my mood feels positive/happy. The other days, I feel sort of neutral and anhedonic, but not too terrible.
Do depressed people regularly have good days where they just feel a happy, positive mood? Or is depression more of a consistent, crushing experience?
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self.depression
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Happy new year everyone i really hope this year is better for all of you.
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self.offmychest
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waking up everyday questioning my intentions. i’m not a horrible person, i know i’m not.
i do my best to please everyone else around me before i even start working on myself.
even while my girlfriend and our child are sleeping, i’m selfishly questioning how i am even alive right now.
i’ve never been happier than i am right now, but i still have this underlying feeling of not being good enough for her. that she deserves better than i can provide, same for our little one.
i feel like i’m betraying her for being the way i am.
Anxiety and Depression. eating away at me like maggots on cold rotting flesh.
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self.depression
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I think my life is over. My husband left me with no real explanation. He treats me like the enemy. I love him, I can't see a way to go on. I am obviously a horrible person.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My dreams, the things that kept me sane, are now gone. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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It hurts so bad, I think I might go mad Sorry for the long post, it may seem incoherent at some points, I was literally writing down my thoughts.
It's been the best and worst experience of my life, I've changed university, same career but different university, I was expecting to make lots of friends but I've only found my expectations crushed, I feel worthless, I don't actually think people from my class want to hang out with me outside class, no one comes up to talk to me, or rarely does, but the rest do between them, maybe if I killed myself I would stop humiliating myself in such a way, but I feel that would be cowardly from my part, and I can't do that to my family and other friends.
When I ask them to hangout they either say no they can't or they don't want, they rarely answer the phone and I got pissed off with a friend of mine the other day, I apologised cause he was actually right and I just took the chance to vent out, I even opened up a little bit and told him how I viewed him, that I saw a friend in him and that I hoped it was mutual, at the moment it felt like the right thing to do, but now I feel ridiculous, stupid even.
This last 2-3 years haven't been that good, I'm unable to vent out emotions, it's really hard for me to cry, and I just build up this emotions, and they are rotting my insides, and now I don't know if I'm just being a drama queen or I'm going insane, or what the hell is going on.
I'm a guy by the way.
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self.offmychest
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I want to give up on everything, because of school [deleted]
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self.depression
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I’m probably going to kill myself in the next month [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I was molested my by history teacher in high school It was my junior year of high school, and because of when my birthday is, I was younger than everyone else in my class. So I was 15. My teacher was mid-forties and married. He kept asking me to stay after class to talk about the days lecture and the next days notes. I was a history buff and at the time I really enjoyed the time period we were covering.
Then it started. The casual touches on my arms or shoulders, pats on the back. I thought I was mature for my age and was excited that I had a grown up friend. So when he started kissing me I was just even more excited because a grown up really thought I was pretty! This continued for the rest of my time at high school. We never actually had sex, so at the time I didn’t think anything was wrong about it.
Fast forward to 2012, 4 years after graduation, while I’m working for a police department, and it hits me that there was something deeply wrong with that scenario. However, I didn’t want to say anything because I was embarrassed that I hadn’t spoken up before.
Now it’s been 10 years and I’m starting to think this is why I’ve had so much trouble with relationships since.
And also, is this my fault or something for being all excited about it at the time or not coming forward earlier?
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self.offmychest
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I don’t find enjoyment in anything alone anymore My depression used to manifest itself by making me isolate myself from everyone and being sucked into my own interests, but now it’s done a complete 180. I can’t stand to be alone. Playing video games, drawing, watching movies/tv used to be things that gave me a sense of satisfaction, but now I can’t stand to do anything. I just sleep instead. I’ve made many new friends this year, but I don’t like to reach out first because I always assume they don’t want to talk to me. I have friends but no one to tell my real problems to. I don’t want to bury someone with my emotional baggage because that’s what my ex did to me and I was miserable then. Now I buy things for people and give out candy in school to bribe people into being my friends, it’s worked but no ones close to me. I compulsively buy things online and drink so I can feel something, but it’s stopped working. I just don’t know how to feel satisfaction anymore or pride in anything I do anymore.
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self.depression
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I just wanna find a girl who is as depressed and easy going as me... impossible? [deleted]
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self.depression
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DAE worry their getting manic when they can’t sleep at night, then wake up in the morning and feel totally euthymic? (As in stable/chill/‘normal’)
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self.bipolar
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Suicide or escape The way that I see it, I have two options left in my life. My misuse of drugs and alcohol have ruined all of the relationships that I have had in my life and last weekend was the final straw. I made a choice under the influence of drugs and alcohol that has filled me with self-hatred and burned all of the remaining bridges that I have left.
Therefore, I believe that I have two options left:
A. Kill myself
B. Get as far away from my old life as possible
I think that I am going to go with option B, because my worst case scenario is that I go back to option A, but at least I can say that I have tried. I have almost no money as I am a university student, but I think that I have enough to take a bus to a different city that is fairly far away from where I am now. I plan on telling no one where I am going to go and I think that the sensation of having essentially a new life will provide me with at least a small bit of satisfaction.
Once I get to this city I will be homeless, but I figure that I can likely use soup kitchens and homeless shelters to at least survive until I figure out what is next for me. I am going to leave my cell phone, wallet, and pretty much all of my personal possessions behind, I do not want anyone to be able to identify me or track me while I am gone. I recognize that this is clearly not a very good solution, but as I have previously mentioned the alternative for me is more of a fail-safe assuming that my plan of finding a new life doesn't work. Ideally, I would like to some day make it to a different country where I could perhaps make a better, more permanent life for myself.
I would appreciate any critiques or thoughts you have about my plan, but please know that this is less of a post for ideas and more of a place to collect my own thoughts. I hope that you all find the strength to carry on, and I hope that some of you are stronger than me and can face your problems rather than run away from them. Godspeed boys, godspeed.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I fear that i might be mentally retarded without knowing it I have this creeping suspicion that I'm actually dumb without knowing it. And that people are just being nice to me, while hiding the truth. There is not much actual evidence to support this claim. I KNOW that these thoughts are illogical, but hey that's just anxiety for ya I guess .
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self.Anxiety
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Experience stopping both lamictal and welbutrin cold-turkey? I had an ephinany last night that I don't have any disorder. It's the medication that has been making me feel bad. I'm sure people think this all the time, but I am so serious. And so sure. I'm excited.
So, I am going to stop taking medication. I'd like to do it sooner than later, so tapering down feels like it will be too slow.
Thinking, will it be okay to stop lamictal 200 mg and welbutrin 150xl suddenly?
I'd rather just be done with it.
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self.bipolar
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I started medication almost 4 years ago. still struggling to get it right. need some insight. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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what is the fastest possible method i can kill myself ? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Finally out of the darkness It’s been a bit I know I’m not manic rn... I finally found the power to quit my substance abuse. Turns out pot and alcohol were making me a thousand times worse! (Lol) once got through the dependency I started to see significant change. Even was finally able to apply for ssi which I always put off to get high or drunk. Needless to say I think I’m about to see a light at the end of this dark tunnel
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self.bipolar
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I stopped giving a fuck about your rule when I was listening to some guy trying to break into my house 5 minutes after I came home [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My anxiety story - onset and relapse This is my story with anxiety so far. I hope it's okay for me to post it here. I think it will help me feel better having it out there. If you choose to read it, thank you.
### My first experience with "full-blown" anxiety
Near the beginning of 2016, I got sick with a cold. I spent a few days resting at home and eating pretty unhealthily. As I was getting over the cold, I found myself feeling dizzy whenever I moved my head. I chalked it up to the cold and/or dehydration, so I had some water and rested some more. It hadn’t gotten any better after a couple of hours and I was mildly worried.
Later that afternoon, I tried multiple times to urinate and was unable. I had just moved to a new town and didn’t have a doctor yet, so I went to the ER, where I had to wait four hours (thankfully after two hours of bladder agony I was able to relieve myself, but I still wanted to know why it had happened). The ER doc told me “we’re not sure why it happened but you seem fine, here are some pills to help you pee, okay bye.” I felt a mixture of relief, confusion, and worry.
The next few days were the true beginning of my anxiety woes. In a matter of 72 hours I became all but bedridden. Here’s a list of my physical symptoms:
* Nausea/heavy gut feeling
* Loss of appetite
* Weakness and fatigue
* Elevated heart rate
* Diarrhea
* Bladder pressure
* Shaking/spasms (especially in arms)
* Hot and cold flashes
* Dizziness
* Eyes sensitive to light and motion
It was all-consuming. I was in a constant panic about my health, fearing I had some horrific illness. Heart problems? Neurological disorder? I ate very little, and I was afraid I was just going to waste away from malnutrition. My symptoms would always be severe in the daytime and then ease off a bit in the evening, then the cycle continued in the morning.
Finally I broke down and allowed my mom to stay with me to take care of me, which was a huge deal to me because a) I usually hate asking for help, and b) I lived with four other guys. She lived in my bedroom and I took the couch, and thankfully the other dudes were very accommodating.
Because my mom is a wizard (and I hadn’t the strength to even make a phone call), she called around to the local doctor’s offices and managed to land me an appointment with a new primary care doctor for the very next day. When my mom told the doc about my history with constipation of all things, he took an x-ray and determined I had a blockage in my bowel, causing some of my digestive and urinary problems. For the rest, he diagnosed me with anxiety and put me on Lexapro for that. My mom thinks it’s possible that the constipation triggered the onset of an anxiety disorder in me.
Lexapro, of course, takes a few weeks to see results. It felt like a long and difficult climb to feeling normal again. My mom stayed for the first two weeks and left when I had improved enough to take care of myself. I got a therapist to keep me on the right track mentally. Another two weeks went by before I could go back to work. Two or three months went by before I could say I felt fully normal again.
### My anxiety relapse
Everything was going swimmingly until a week ago, when I played some stupid computer game that I didn’t know was a horror game in disguise. I guess psychological horror gets to me in a way I never realized before, because upon a certain event in the game, I felt a sudden terror wash over me… a kind of fear I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. I quit the game immediately and thought I was fine, but for the next few hours, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking and I couldn’t get it out of my mind. When I turned off the lights to go to sleep, I had a panic attack, which I hadn’t experienced since my first run-in with anxiety. I turned all my lights back on, put on some classical music, and got about three hours of sleep.
The next few days were just like the original onset of my anxiety, complete with all the same nasty physical symptoms. I’ve yet again been reduced to a shuddering nauseated pile of anxious misery during the daytime, and my mom has come back to take care of me. My psychiatrist put me on hydroxyzine as needed for fast-acting relief, but the results have been minor. My PCP doubled my Lexapro dose; yesterday was my first day of that. He seemed confident that it would fix me up, but I know it’ll probably take weeks, and that sucks. In the meantime, I’m just trying to keep up my nutrition and combat the nausea that steals nearly every second of my focus.
*****
And that’s my whole story. I suppose this is just a way for me to unload my thoughts, find other people with similar experiences, and maybe get some advice for dealing with the rough times. I've been lurking this sub for the past two days and it seems like a wonderfully supportive community, where anxiety sufferers can interact with others who know firsthand what it's like.
Thank you for reading.
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self.Anxiety
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My girlfriend isn't attracted to me We've been together for 6 years, she still wants to be with me but I know she doesn't want me physically. She feels guilty because we don't have sex, I feel like everytime we do it's pity. Now I feel guilty because she is trying so hard to keep this relationship, but i know this has to end.
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self.offmychest
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i'm overwhelmed by apathy and i think it's going to cost me my job. First of all, I don't know why Reddit decided to capitalize every word in that title like this is a Buzzfeed article, but I can't fix it.
Second of all, this is going to be long and whiny. I'm sorry for that, but I'm desperate for any kind of advice from people who struggle with the same disease.
For some background info, my three year anniversary with this company will be in the spring. Things started off okay, but in March 2016 I suffered from what I can only describe as a breakdown. I took two weeks of unpaid leave from my job to recover. I saw three psychiatrists and two therapists all of whom confirmed that I was, in fact, in crisis, but I didn't seek out any further help.
Ever since then, I feel like I haven't recovered fully. I think I've only worked a full 45 hour week four or five times since then. My manager and higher ups are very understanding, but it still makes me feel awful.
In November of last year, I went into crisis again. I ended up going on a 14 week medical leave from work to attend a partial hospitalization/intensive outpatient program. Truthfully, I didn't feel like I was ready to go back to work, but being out of work was incredibly punishing financially, even with disability benefits and putting in freezes to my bills for "financial hardship." My SO was essentially singlehandedly supporting the two of us and it felt awful. He was doing his best not to push me, but the guilt was overwhelming. I was discharged on a Friday and went back to work on Monday.
Anyway...this is where I'm at now. A little over a year later, still feeling like I haven't made any progress. I feel like I've given up, like I'm physically crippled from apathy sometimes. I haven't seen my mom in 4 months and counting. I skipped out on the wake and funeral of a family member. I bailed on Thanksgiving dinner with my SO's family at the very last minute, like an hour before we had to be there. I know that I look like a total asshole, but I can't...care? Anymore.
It's also been affecting my job worse than it ever has. I literally don't even show up to the office until 11am, 12pm, 1pm, every day. I don't even show up. My manager brought to my attention that I hadn't even worked 20 hours for 2 weeks in a row at one point and he wasn't sure if he could depend on me to handle my own responsibilities anymore.
To my credit, last week I tried harder. I dragged myself in every day, even if it was an hour or two late. I worked my hardest. I met all of my deadlines. I followed up with all of my clients. But my manager called me into his office again on Monday and said that my attitude has been awful and "if you cant control your emotions, I'd rather you just stay home." I couldn't even take that gracefully. I cried in his office right in front of him. It was humiliating.
I'm at a loss. I took a mental health day yesterday to recuperate but now it's 10am and I haven't even left my bed, even though I've been awake for three hours. I know I'm fucking up. I know my company's patience can only stretch so thin. I feel like I should be terrified of losing my job, but I'm not, and that terrifies me in turn. I just came down from the most destructive hypomanic episode of my life. I blew through thousands of dollars, got three spontaneous walk-in tattoos in three days when I've never even had tattoos beforehand, bought an expensive MacBook that I don't need, etc etc etc. Last week I had another fit of hypomania and got another tattoo on a whim, and it made me not able to pay my full half of the rent. Like...what the fuck.
My psychiatrist keeps telling me to just "wait it out, be positive" while he keeps fiddling with my cocktail of meds trying to jumpstart my brain back into normalcy, but I feel like he's frustrated with me at this point and to be honest? I'm frustrated with myself. This week I told him about the apathy and everything I wrote here pretty much, and he just upped my Adderall which does nothing to motivate me, although it does help me focus.
I...don't even know how to close this out. I just feel so lost, so frustrated with myself, so numb to how I'm ruining my own life right now. I just need support, I guess. Anything.
TL;DR Had a breakdown, never fully recovered, hypomania is getting more destructive, depressive episodes are full of overwhelming apathy. I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my job and it's going to send me into a downward spiral of ruining my life.
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self.bipolar
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The easiest way for me to describe mania to someone without bipolar disorder is to refer them to Yeezus by Kanye West I can’t even listen to this album anymore. It sends me into a hypo state regardless of my current stability.
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self.bipolar
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21M diagnosed with depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts with a few years plan... So I don't know why I thought about posting here and if you're reading, I'd give more attention to other severe posts than this lame ass one. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was 15ish but never did anything about it. However there have been times where I've made plans, or gave circumstances in which I'd kill myself, only to never meet the criteria. There have been times when I'll have a knife ready, only to be a pussy and whimp out. But I have gave myself an overall plan within the coming years.
If by 30 years old (if I haven't killed myself then anyways), I don't have a solid band following with my music, a reliable wife/possible family, or a steady career then I'll just off it then. Just need any one of those to work out. Really fucking dumb, but I'm so lonely and desperate that I just need something to work for me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I sincerely believe I am biologically inferior and therefore have no place in this world. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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On my way into the hospital Please send good vibes my way. <3
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else here have a problem with constantly having the mental images of hurting yourself or committing suicide? I have been having this problem in which I constantly think of the visceral feeling of just putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger, along with the physical reaction. It's not only that, I also can't stop thinking about how satisfying it would be to cut my wrists open.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Wanting to make amends vs. knowing I should kill myself - TW: #metoo [deleted]
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self.depression
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Last night, I got the Suicide Hotline voicemail. Twice. TLDR; Had emotional crisis. Called Suicide Hotline twice and got voicemail. Called local intervention line twice and didn't get through. Advocating for more accessible resources in critical times.
-
I didn't make it more than five minutes down the street after work last night when I was overwhelmed with the stress of events from earlier in the day. With tears blinding my vision, I pulled into the nearest parking lot, a local high school and backed into a spot under a lamp post easily visible from two adjacent roads.
I had been sending out my SOS texts to my friends heavily in the last two weeks and I have been fortunate and grateful that they had been answering but tonight felt different. I felt like I was being a burden. How many days can I keep desperately needing their voice to prevent myself from harm? How many days can I keep sleeping on the couches out of fear of what I will accomplish? Do they think I'm a bother, only reaching out when I need- truly need- them?
So instead of reaching out to the only two people who understand how I get in this critical time, I tried the Suicide Hotline. With my face cramping in pain, mucus wetting the front of my shirt, and used napkins now lining the floor of my passenger seat, I waited.
And I waited. The auto message ensured me my call was important every couple moments and I continued to wait. The music seemed to get fast and fast making me more disoriented as I help up the phone and I waited. And after 7 critical minutes, I made it to the voicemail. It told me the mailbox was not monitored and may not be answered right away.
So I hung up and called my local United Way mental health crisis intervention line. And waited. And waited. And waited another 8 minutes.
So I hung up and called again the local crisis line again with the same results.
I made a fourth call for help. This time, back to the Suicide Hotline. And unpatiently waited until the voicemail once again.
I only hope that more lines will open up in the upcoming days before the holidays so that those of us who need that intervention can get the immediate help they need.
What have your experiences been calling support lines?
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self.depression
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New city - new doctors. I've recently moved interstate and it's kinda just occurred to me now that I need to find myself a new doctor, psychiatrist and psychologist. I have started having a few concerns about my medication and I'm so anxious that I have to start fresh with a whole new doctor after being treated by my previous doctor for 5 years.
Anyone have any tips on how to make this transition easier?
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self.bipolar
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not sure if this is normal breathing, or anxiety. Hey all! I've quit smoking for 2/3 months and, honestly, I know this time I'm done for good. I smoked for 6 years and bounced between vaping and smoking for 2. Im working out now and happy I've stopped. Sadly, though, the fact that I spent so much time smoking is wreaking havoc on my health anxiety (I do have GAD and always feel kind of worried, even on my medication: 20mg of Celexa daily - health is just what gets me kicked into obsessive fits).
Ive now noticed this breathing symptom a few times and I want to see if any of you have had the same experience?
Sometimes (not too often) when I breathe ill be done exhaling, but there will still be a breathing sound/breath coming out. When I inhale, the inverse happens the same way. It's more that I can feel it than hear it, but I can definitely feel and hear it. It's NOT a whistle like a wheeze, it's more like the air is still getting squeezed out and hasn't fully emptied yet. Like there's something blocking the air I guess? Almost a droning feeling, like a bagpipe or an accordion, if that helps get my point across?
Does this sound familiar?
Also, I know you're all going to say go to the doctor and I get that! I just have gone so much for random stuff I don't want to let anxiety rule my life and always go at the drop of a hat but, that being said, I do notice this physical sensation so it's not just in my head.
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self.Anxiety
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Never going to get a life ? Or a girlfriend ? (Rant) I’ve been single my wholeeeee life. Yea I’ve gotten pus*y before. Hella times. But that was like 4-5 years ago. I haven’t gotten anything in 4-5 years. Not even a hug. I moved to a new state. Everyone here is rich and stuck up & theyre all the same. I don’t really have any hobbies besides gettin drunk/drugs. playing video games, and that’s it. Im not good at any sports or and instruments. I cant get a girlfriend-believe me. & don’t try to say “you’re probably not even trying” or “it will come your way !” Bec believe me. I go up to girls, talk to them, smile, etc. then I’ll ask for their #/snap/ig. Half of the time they say “I have a bf/gf” or they’ll give me a fake one. Yea. Every. Fu**ing time. Yes. And my standards are not high by any means. Probably about average. Im depressed and just feel like ending it all. Nothing goes right in my life. No family, I live with a roommate who is never here. Im 25. No license or a whip. Wasn’t really popular in h.s. (I did online bec public school sucks in Az) sooo yea. Just a rant. Ig Im just ugly and can NEveR get a girl. I don’t do anything sooo tf is my pourpose to be here ? I’ll look back when I’m in my 70s thinking “what did I accomplish?” Nothing. No life. No friends/family. No “Action” nothing. Im just going to work my life away then when the time comes I won’t have shit. I contemplate suicide a lot. Like a lot. I’ve been to different institutions and sh*t. Nothing helps.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Marriage sucks Why did I say yes? Why did we have to be so different? He hates everything I like to do and I like doing things he does. Its not fair. No I'm not planning on getting divorced but I do realize I made a terrible mistake.
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self.offmychest
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I'm so lost mentally Idk what to do. I'm lost inside my mind with doubts and shame and guilt and fear. I lost interest in everything, but I still normally have energy. I can laugh and smile and kind of joke around(only in groups now it seems). But I have no motivation or care to do anything. I just always feel empty, nothing brings me genuine happiness. The only thing that did was my ex from a year ago and I lost myself even more in her. I idealized her immensely and changed myself to meet what it sounded like her ideal man was. I would constantly push her away because of the pain I would feel when jealous or feeling like I wasn't making her happy and that she would leave me. I felt like I ran out of jokes with her somehow, like my in the moment humor was AMAZING with her. Perfect in fact. Then we ran out of things to talk about because we didn't share any major hobbies(plus on top of that nothing gave me any pleasure to do) and I felt boring and insecure and thought she would leave. I only get pleasure/any sense of enjoyment from people. Like they can make it fun, but never happy.
When I'm alone it's brutal. I can't stay interested in anything. Lately I've been trying to take my medicine because I was gonna try to get better, but I've lost my appetite. I don't get out of bed to eat or make things because I just feel so weak. I am insecure and can't see any value in myself, or strengths, or passions. I don't know who I am despite using personality tests for a year to try to help but now I'm even more confused. I feel like I just say whatever will keep others happy. I hide myself because whoever I am is...idk. gone now almost.
I thought I might have bpd, but I'm not sure. My ex said I was always hot and cold with her, like I'd love her and be 100% but then I'd quickly go to 0% because I felt like she was using me behind my back or that I wasn't good enough or that she liked another person. I just would hate her so much and my blood would boil and boil and boil until I said something completely harsh and cruel and she would feel bad. Once she felt bad I'd lose all my anger and go back to loving her 100% instantly. The problem is sometimes it seems like I'm faking. Like I'll act more depressed to others but also even to myself. Idk why I do that. Its like I want the label so that I have an excuse to continue to do nothing because I feel so weak and uninterested in life. But that's also because I'm like...what if I'm just that lazy and unmotivated. That I can't even just buck up and live life and push through with some courage. Instead I just give up on everything and retreat back to doing nothing. Idk why I sometimes make myself appear more physically depressed, or more so than that, criticize myself extremely harshly on purpose to convince myself I have problems? My psyche also gets pleasure from submissive ideas and there has been sexual orientation doubts and gender dysphoria doubts that idk if it is me or psychological problems that are causing it.
I don't even know anymore. I don't know who I am, my brain is in a fog, I'm so weak, I have no energy, I am not always down in the dumps, but never above laughing, always internally apathetic. Laughing at jokes is the best I can muster in terms of positive emotions. I don't feel the love when people do nice things for me, I just simply acknowledge it and remember that it was done for me.
I can't connect with others in close relationships. I don't know what qualities about myself I actually have and which ones I have convinced myself I have,idk what is normal for other people and what is normal for me.
I just want it all to end. I don't even want to spend the time to sort out my brain, I just want to die. It feels like I'll never find out who I am. I don't want to find out if at the end of the day I just faked it all and I'm just that terrible or person. Or that i'm that weak, or that far gone. Idk
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else an avid gamer like me before the depression? ....and now that escape from reality makes me feel a little closer to normal i spent the first 32 years of my life never experiencing depression but now i wonder if i did and i just wasnt bad enough that videogames wouldn't alleviate it completely. I don't understand myself anymore.
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self.depression
|
What can I do instead of going to the hospital? It doesn't seem like it's worth it and I really have schoolwork I need to figure out. I seriously hate myself for fucking up. I had the chance to make up some work and I didn't and now I have a 73 which isn't foregone but I also was supposed to cover an event and it fell through and I didn't have a back up plan. It needs to be school sponsored and this assignment is due Monday. I wish I had a single room so I could cry in peace. Today is my dad's birthday and tonight is a late thanksgiving dinner made my room mate for 9 of us or so.
I don't have a doctor to get a note for incompletes from and I keep having suicidal thoughts.
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self.bipolar
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Odd Dreams I started on zoloft like 5 weeks ago an then they doubled it and added sleeping pills 2 weeks ago. The sleeping pills help me fall "asleep" but I'm 99% sure I don't get REM sleep, because a bit after falling asleep I been dreaming in a kind of living way. I can't continue control what happens in my dream but I can control my actions, at least I feel like I can. The weirdest part to me is that if I don't like my dream or have seen all it has to offer, I will halfway wake up, roll over, and immediately start another dream. I do this about 10-12 times a night and this had been happening for a little more than a week. Another thing to note is many of my dreams are extremely weird and sometimes even horrific and I can remember them pretty well. Curious to see if anyone else has any side affects like this.
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self.depression
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Letting my feelings out I've fallen in love with you dear. Well
The fantasy that I could actually be with you. The addict who couldn't even begin to crawl out the hole he dug himself. Daydreaming about a life so near yet out of arms reach. If only for a moment I could actually feel what your lips taste like on mine. The peace, my heart would skip beats and give me a high no drug could ever get me. Oh how I wish I could wake up and see you next to me, I wanna stay dreaming. I don't want to wake up and reality is too harsh bring me back please bring me back. When your face dissolves and the sun peaks through the curtains with my eyes trying to focus looking around only to see that only in my dreams will I be happy
Only in my dreams I can find peace
Only in my dreams I can find happiness
Only in my dreams I can find you
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self.SuicideWatch
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help!! is there a group were you have a friend thats bipoler.
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self.bipolar
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I'm going to kill myself if I don't graduate college in 3 weeks I'm in my 30s and my wife and I have sacrificed everything for me to return to college. I have done AMAZING the past few years, but one of my final classes is giving me trouble to the point that there is
a better than even chance I don't pass, and I don't graduate.
I am pleading with my wife to cancel the party she wants to have with family and friends. Our entire lives our riding on this. I've done everything right! I have applied to grad school!
If I don't make it, I'm going to kill myself. I'm too weak to deal with another failure. This was my last shot.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just want it to be over I’ve been saying that I want to kill myself since senior year in high school. That was 3 years ago. Somehow I’m still trucking. These past 3 years have been really tough and it’s not even something significant that has altered my life. It’s just rejection. I’ve been getting rejected a lot by women these past 3 years. At first it wasn’t easy letting go of someone who didn’t like you back, but now with the experience I have gotten over the years, it’s quite easy to move on to a different girl. I’ve definitely missed some opportunities with women liking me and not realizing it. But now I’ll take any opportunity i can get as long as I’m attracted to them. Ive come along way being that shy, not confident kid who didn’t know how to talk to girls. But still it hurts a lot.
I’ve been left on read, ghosted, more recently I went on a date with a girl and she gave me a fake number afterwards. I don’t understand what I did to deserve that and I’m not gonna lie it made me feel like complete shit. To make things worse, i went to a party this past weekend, got introduced to a cute girl. We talked for a bit. Asked to get coffee with her and got her number. The next morning i texted her “Hey, it was nice meeting you”. She left me on read. That was Monday. I’m was talking to another girl that i met on tinder and have been casually texting this past week. We were supposed to go to a bar tonight but guess what? She cancelled on me. Probably done talking with her as well. Just my luck, same shit different day. Now I matched with ANOTHER girl a couple days ago and we had coffee today. I thought it went well. Texted her that it was nice meeting her but haven’t gotten anything back. I sent that 8 hours ago. Went on another bar date with some other chick. I thought it went well. She said she would text me today but I haven’t heard anything from her and I’m expecting nothing at this point.
I don’t know why I feel like I need a woman to feel happy about myself but I certainly feel alone. It’s not even the sex that I want. I just want someone to cuddle with in bed, talk to, and make laugh. The way Hollywood makes it, it seems so easy and achievable. But it’s not. Every romantic scene that I see in TV just makes me feel shitty about myself and makes me think “why can’t that be me?”. I’ve tried tinder ever since it came out. I’ve maybe had a handful of successful dates? Maybe 3 or 4 first dates that went onto a second date? There was this one specific women that I connected with and I think she felt the same way. Too bad she moved across country, probably most likely won’t ever see her again. I felt the most compatible with her. But that’s just my luck I guess. I haven’t had anything that felt like that since and that was in August.
I know I should feel more appreciative because I know there’s a thousand guys out there that wish they could be in my position. But sometimes I wish i was in their position because honestly it doesn’t feel any better maybe even worse. I’d like to think that I’m attractive, I’ve been told that I’m handsome. But I don’t see it yet. I’m social, funny, approachable...i don’t get what I’m doing wrong. People praise my humor and that’s the only thing i like about myself right now, the ability to make people laugh by being goofy. I go out, I’m trying to go out to more bars or just wherever to meet women. I have had so many failures in the dating game that i just feel hideous. I do have a crooked nose and i feel like that’s a big issue. I’ve gotten plastic surgery to fix it because people were making fun of me for in back in high school but it’s still slightly fucked up. Who knows, maybe it’s not as a big deal as I’m bringing it out to be. Maybe my standards are too high but I’ve always been told to never sell yourself short and always go for the best. And I don’t think that’s gonna change. I may have fucked up early with being clingy as fuck to some women but I have definitely learned from my mistakes and rejections. Im adaptable. I’m always learning new things about the dating game but nothing seems to change. Same results. I think I’ve figured it out. I’m just used as a coping method for girls and that’s all. Whenever they’re down, they rely on me to cheer them up and I oblige. I’m like a gay best friend to them.
This year I have definitely gone out with more women than in previous years thanks to online apps. But nothing happens after the first date. I think I’m close to giving up. I dropped out of a huge university back in 2015 because I said some suicidal shit, mainly about my women problems. I’ve been at community college ever since and I am transferring to my cities university in the spring that’s about the same size as my old university, just a tad smaller. The girl to guy ratio is like 60:40 but I still don’t think I’ll find anyone. People see me as this confident, funny guy on the outside , but they don’t know how empty I feel on the inside. Talking to people won’t help as i already feel like my depression has consumed me and now I’m just waiting for the right time to kill myself. I’ve been exercising and focusing on school to see if it help me overcome this phase that I’m going through but I just find myself back to square one. I always expect the worst when a girl takes forever to reply back. I always think maybe I should have said something different. I always think that it’s something that I did wrong. I always over analyze things.
Im jealous of my sister. She’s everything that I’m not. She’s happy. She’s married. She’s living in a big city with a steady income. I don’t see myself ever becoming like that. My parents always praise her and seem to favorite her more over me. Even more of a reason to kill myself.
I feel as if none of my friends care about me either. Whenever i to hang out with someone, ask for advice, or just want to talk i get left on read. I feel like i have no one. I thought maybe a change of scenery would help me but I’m starting to think that it’s gonna make it worse. My goal is to move to Pittsburgh once I get my degree here in NC. Working for the major league team over there, the Pirates would be my dream job as I’m a huge baseball fan. But now, Im starting to think that it might not happen. I still live with my parents. I did terrible this semester in school, only got one A, I’m pretty sure i failed or got a D in my other two classes. Will probably be put on academic probation going into next semester.
I don’t know what keeps me going. All i do now in my free time is drive around and listen to music that i enjoy in my car thinking about different things. What my life could have been if i didn’t drop out my first university. Why i cant get a girlfriend. Why I’m such a fuck up. I do this every single damn day. I don’t know if it’s therapeutic but it’s somewhat calming. Im such a fucking moron. I miss everything about my old university it but know that I will never ever go back to study there. I only go back up there to visit friends once a month or so because it is 6 hours away. I feel like they are the only friends I have left.
I just wish a loaded gun would drop right infront of me so I can just end it. I’ve started to look at gun permits and went to a gun store the other day and it’s pretty expensive, looks like I’ll have to save up but I’m pretty bad at that too. I’ve started to look at the suicide success rate for guns and I’m guessing if I find the right gun, it’s doable. Either it’s that or I’ll just drive myself to my death but I know I’ll never have the courage to do that. Probably no one is gonna read all of this. Probably nobody cares but I feel like nothings gonna change. I’m starting to get that feeling about not giving a shit about anymore. I guess next semester will determine what i will do with my life. Hopefully I get rejected a bunch of times so i can get closer to finally killing myself. Can you blame me? I know I’m gonna keep trying because i have nothing to lose. Hopefully there’s gonna be a rejection that I will experience that will finally push me off the edge.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression getting in the way of work. I’m an artist and I work from home. I can’t work regular 9-5 jobs because they feel soul sucking and I would take as many trips to the bathroom as possible to vent in front of the mirror or dance or cry and just be alone. So now I’m in charge of providing for myself and I’m on Day 5 of not putting pencil to paper and starting on some work that absolutely must get done in order for me to get paid. I don’t understand how I can just keep putting it off when the consequences for not doing my work would be so bad. Legit, lack of ability to provide for myself BUT that doesn’t get me started. I’ve had depression since I was a child and it got in the way of doing school work. My parents just thought I was lazy, they didn’t understand I literally couldn’t do it.
Instead of working I’ve gone to bed at 6pm for the past 3 days.
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self.depression
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Am I Depressed? Hey guys.. I don’t know if how I’ve been feeling is depression or not and I feel stupid reaching out to a doctor for help if I’m just going through a teenage crisis. I’m 16 years old and I haven’t been happy in quite some time. The last time I was genuinely happy was back in March when I was on vacation in Europe, I had a solid group of friends, I had a good school life and I was talking to a boy I really liked. Since the summer though I have been especially unhappy with my life. My group of friends have fallen apart, I am no longer that smart girl I used to be, the guy I liked so much only talks to me when he has no one else and wants to hook up with me, I’m not naive anymore to my parents relationship and how a lot of the times they’re very unhappy together. I have such low self esteem that I allow this guy to use me because I miss the way we used to be and even though I know we are never going to be like that again I still hook up with him when he wants to because I crave his attention and affection but then he always goes back to the girl he really likes. When we were together it was really good but this back and forth of him always leaving me then coming back to me completely broke me and hurt me and changed me completely. Before all this hurt, I was such a happy girl who didn’t rely on anyone now I’m completely different because of how much he hurt me and I hate it. I lost a lot of my friends who thought I didn’t care about their friendship and the friends I have now don’t care about me as much as I care about them. The people I care about the most I always try and keep in touch and build on our relationship because they mean a lot to me but I’m fed up because regardless of what I do i’m no ones number 1 and I’m overlooked and it drives me crazy because I feel so alone no matter what I do. I hate where I am in my life right now and I distract myself with homework and the internet and volunteering and work but I’m still not doing as well in school as I used to. My life has no direction either I am not taking a lot of courses that will guide me in a solid direction. I try and distract myself from life as much as possible but when I am not distracted i’m super unhappy and always begin to overthink and drive myself to tears. It’s been like this for months I’m ashamed to talk to a doctor. I can’t see myself growing up and living a fulfilling life and I feel like it would be much easier for me to die but the only thing stopping me is when I think about my mother. I don’t care as much about what my friends would think because I’m not that important to them I know and I know that they’d move on pretty quickly but it breaks my heart to just imagine how my mom would be. But everyday sucks and is a struggle and I’m unhappy. Do you think I’m just going through a rough time. Maybe i rely too much on others to be happy? No matter what I try i cant be the girl i was a year or two ago and I can’t be as happy as i used to. it drives me crazy and I wish i was.
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self.depression
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I wish there was a restart button in real life Made me thought when I saw someone posting about a pause button.
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self.depression
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I made an attempt to join in on a group conversation and failed miserably. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Virgin shaming is fucked up and needs to stop It's toxic and disgusting. There is nothing shameful in being a virgin at any age, for any gender. This double standard we have over sl*ts/virgins for men/women needs to end, and we shouldn't stigmatize people who speak out against it.
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self.offmychest
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I'm so very close to just killing myself. Whenever I think of the future I just become numb and frightened. What am I living for? What's the point? Why am I still here? I can't say that I'm doing bad; but I'm also not at a place in my life where I want to be (obviously). Back in high school I kept thinking "I'll just graduate and then kill myself". (I've always had suicidal thoughts ever since I was around 15.) I gave up my future because I didn't want to be a part of it. I saw more negativity than I did positives when thinking about it. Now as I'm 21 years of age, I can't stop thinking about how much I regret it. I regret not going to a university and trying to see how better life could be. Yeah, there's always the opportunity to go back and try, but I just can't find the motivation at this point anymore. It's a hopeless cause for me and my suicidal thoughts have gotten worse as the days progress. Just today I found myself thinking about suicide and I started crying at work. I kept thinking "I should call suicide hotline" or " I need to talk to a friend" but it just doesn't feel right. I'm scared that they'd call the cops to try to help or w.e.
I have family and friends that love me but I don't feel comfortable talking to any of them which is why I'm here. I'm so very pessimistic that I just think they'd be like " shut the fuck up" or just guilt trip me about my mother; who'm I love so very much and I don't want to hurt her, but this pain is getting close to unbearable that I almost don't care about how it'll hurt her at this point. I think I'm dangerously close to ending it all and I don't even know what I want to hear. Thanks for reading. I just needed to vent.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Realizing I'm not the person I thought I was I thought I was someone people could trust. But the truth is in the last three years there have been three cases where I've done or said something to someone (flirted with a friends sister, drunkenly flirted with a friends gf, and drunkenly made out with another friends gf) and asked them to keep it from them. I have literally cared about my own skin more than my friends enough to try and keep something from them. I feel absolutely terrible about it and I've lost trust from people that I care about. I don't blame them. I don't blame anyone. If they don't forgive me I don't blame them. I can't even forgive myself right now
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self.offmychest
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I just need a place to let go In March I had to have surgery to remove a tube and ovary because of the amount of pain that I was in on a daily basis. That surgery ruined everything, the pain went away, yes. However, it opened to doors to other health issues that were lying beneath the surface. I started having fainting spells, luckily never passing all the way out. I wasn’t eating but started gaining weight, my hands and feet started to go numb, my memory got worse, everything just deteriorated. I haven’t been able to go back to work and I feel absolutely useless. I’ve two kids I can no longer support the way I used to, my husband and mother have to help, and I feel like dead weight. More than hating myself, I feel like I make my husband resent and hate me for being broken. Who wants a broken, beaten down wife who can’t remember what she was talking about 30 seconds prior? I just cry some days and try not to look as sick as I feel so I don’t bother anyone.
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self.depression
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The tables have turned (literally) I study to be a therapist in mental health and disorders. In 6 months I'll graduate. I've had an internship at our national suicide prevention foundation. I picked up thousands of phonecalls of people on the edge of a building, on a bridge or on traintracks. I've saved the lifes of maybe hundreds of people. After that I worked as a careataker of 10 people who lived in a community for people with psychosocial problems (autism, BPS, depression etc.).
And look at me now. diagnosed with a developmental disorder, mental disorder and autism. I barely function, I waste away my study, talents, friends and family. There are days I want to die, and the fact that I'll be a therapist, helped so much people with the exact same shit makes this even more laughable. I'm a fucking joke. Heck maybe some of my old patients who are depressed will read this and laugh too, how can this be possible?
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self.depression
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Anyone else can't sleep on their back because they end up choking on their saliva? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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terrible terrible terrible living arrangement I flat with my recent ex and another friend, my door opens facing her door, most of the time it's fine-ish. Manageable. We're generally on "good terms", "good terms" being that we agreed to break up because her last relationship ended messy and she wanted to still be friends with that ex-partner, whom was also a close friend of mine, and who is currently I assume snuggled up nice and close to her as I write this alone and discarded 10m away.
I feel like her cum-rag, a scapegoat for their relationship, and now an angry, anxious scribble. I've told both of them it makes me uncomfortable, which is massively understating it but I can't tell them that every time i hear a cough from her room i want to die cause that would just be straight up manipulation. But she either doesn't care, or she's not listening to me. And the more I nag and the more big freak outs I have the less she cares for sure, I've been draining her emotionally recently but whooolly shit if she would just go stay at his place I wouldn't have to sit in my cage of a room awake all night trying to talk myself down. I suspect that he doesn't give a shit at all, and honestly that's fair enough cause I put him in a similar situation, but I can't believe she doesn't understand or care about how destructive this is for me.
I didn't treat her poorly, we didn't fight while we were together. Recently my behaviour has deteriorated but I just don't have the energy to be nice about it anymore. I don't yell or anything, but I know I'm not pleasant to hang out with anymore. I always get upset about something, but to be fair that's because she always feels like she has to mention her ex.
Since this whole debacle began I've already tried to..uh..die once, so it's not like no one knows I'm on the edge, or have been recently. And my reward for trying to recover from that was that her ex gets to come round almost every night and I have to wake up knowing someone who hates me is sharing my house. I can't eat, I barely sleep, I just started a course of citalopram that I've been putting off forever so hopefully that helps in the long run but man, I never know if I'm even going to make it to a long-run.
On top of this I'm unemployed, I've got issues with poly-substance abuse, I'm out of shape, and everything just sucks. I imagine that if I were experiencing this later in life it would be much more effectively catastrophic, as I'm currently only 20, so I guess I still have that teenie bit of hope that eventually some alternate and fantastic version of myself is going to blossom and save the day and make me successful and happy and talented, but as it is I'm a wreck of a being and also the only person who actually has the ability to change my life. I just don't believe I have the capacity right now, and in this situation don't see myself finding it soon.
It's only for another couple of months that I have to live here, so moving out isn't an option as no one is going to want to take up my lease for 2 months. She's already stated she won't move out either, cause she offered awhile ago but I didn't want her to.
I don't know, has anyone got any advice?
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
How can I let people know that their behaviour can have severely detrimental effects on my physical and mental wellbeing without seeming like I'm offering them an ultimatum, or seemingly like I'm pinning my mental illness onto them?
Like I want her to be happy and all, except if she doesn't care about me enough to make sure I don't kill myself when I live 5m away from her then it seems like a waste of my energy to give a shit whether she's getting along fine with her ex.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I was getting better.. I really thought I was. Everything was going good. I was finally getting work under control, school under control, my life as well. Until I lost control and became unforgiving to myself. Until something happend that triggered me and voila I was a crying mess on the floor of the bathroom. Wondering what I did so horrible in my past life to deserve this. To deserve this life and this fucking illness. How do I cope with it.. How do i continue. And how the fuck do I make things right.
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self.depression
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Awkwardness My moods cycle but so too does my awkwardness. Its like i can go from being really uncomfortable around people--to suddenly very outgoing and charming. I cannot predict which version of myself i will be and it seems random and each can last for extended periods of time. Others can feel it as well. I really feel like two different people, i'd rather always be the smoother version of myself but its not possible. How i see myself, and the world really depends on when you ask me. I tend to think i will be whatever state i am at the moment forever. I am so goddamn tired of it.
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self.bipolar
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Antidepressants I've tried so many combinations and nothing ever seems to really work. They definitely help, don't get me wrong, but I still feel like I'm just drifting. I don't think anything will ever really work and that just makes me even more sad. This is just ridiculous. Anyone experience the same thing and have some advice for how to deal with this? I'm just so exhausted.
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self.depression
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What has worked for you in stopping anxiety and panic attacks? So I run my own business and I have done so full time for about a full year now. I literally just noticed today that I get these strange anxiety panic attacks that can last for days. I did not label them as that, I did not label them as anything really. But ever time I would get these my decision-making capability would go down the drain and I would either shut down my business completely because I was "miserable" or just make really bad business decisions.
Edit: It makes sense that I felt miserable never taking a day off. Probably because I would never take a day off!!
I literally have not taken a single day off in about 7 months working every day, including birthdays, for 12-14 hours. When I would say I was taking a day off I would just work for 6-9 hours.
Today is my first day that I am going to force myself to not do anything business related and this is when I realized what was happening, the anxiety and panic attacks. Today has been amazing so far and I have only been awake for 2-3 hours. I have just been sitting on my couch blissing out and drinking green tea. I feel amazing!
With that being said, I shut my business down yesterday which is what sparked me to start thinking of why I seem to do this every month or so when business is going so well. I intend to get the site back up on Tuesday. I am thinking of taking Monday off too as taking today off feels so amazing.
My Psychologist has been trying to get me to take days off and be more social for months but I have not told him about this issue. I will bring it up next time I see him.
Have you experienced things like this and, if so, how did you end it? I feel like maybe for me, when I feel this coming on, I may just need to step back as I am doing now and take a break for a couple days and then get back to it. The problem is that there is so much pressure in the entrepreneurship community to never take breaks, work 14+ hours a day 365 days a year and I feel a pull to identify with those standards, silly I know.
Any input?
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self.depression
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Job interview tips? Been reading this sub for a while now so I think maybe someone can help: I have a job interview Monday, and I'm already feeling anxious about it even though it's 5 days away. I've been going through every worst-case scenario in my head and am terrified something's going to go wrong. It's not my dream job or anything, but it is my first interview for a post grad position, and I really want to get out of my current job (retail ugh) any tips on how to keep my anxiety under control, at least for the duration of the interview so it goes well?
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self.Anxiety
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Depakote Question.. I started depakote yesterday. I’ve taken three doses so far. I feel a little better.. a lot less anxious and less paranoid. I’m less irritable and on edge. My question is - is it too early for me to be feeling the effects of this medication or could I be going into some sort of episode? We aren’t sure what type of bipolar I am yet and I’m still learning a lot about the disease. Thanks in advance. I’m still a little clueless and scared about this all
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self.bipolar
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I hate junkies. I hate junkies, but I pity drug addicts.
To me, a drug addict is someone like my stepdad. He relapsed on heroin after many sober years. My mom found out and he left us. We haven't seen him since, neither has the rest of his family. He knew he had a problem so he ghosted us. He never stole from us, lied to us, acted violently, or did drugs in the home we shared. He chose to deteriorate away from us where we couldn't be hurt by his addiction.
Junkies are people that lie, steal, connive, and manipulate. The ones that beat and rob a 75 year old woman for $40 (this just happened in my hometown last week). The ones that steal their moms credit cards and pawn family heirlooms. The ones that have irresponsible sex, get pregnant, and continue to use. The ones that suck money out of the system not because they're disabled, but because they're so fucking high all the time they can't work and all their money goes to drugs.
I used to have sympathy, I used to be a kind and understanding person. Now I'm just a cynic. I don't want to hate anyone. I want to believe that addiction really is a disease. But I don't think it is. My boyfriends dad was diagnosed with cancer today. That's a disease.
Addiction isn't a choice, but that first hit IS a choice. You know the effects of this drug. You know what addiction looks like. Yet you still do it. That's why I think the whole disease theory is horseshit.
I don't feel bad for junkies, I wish I did but I don't. That includes you, dad.
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self.offmychest
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My depression is ruining my relationship I don't know what to do.
This is literally ruining my relationship.
I've been with my current boyfriend for over 3 years now, and we even talk about getting married, but my depression is ruining everything. I don't have many friends, and I don't want to put more stress on my boyfriend. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this.
On days I don't work or have school I try to hard to do things around the house to help out, but I barely have the energy to take the trash out. Getting out of bed is so hard to do every day. I don't remember the last time I felt happy to wake up and just feel alive.
I feel like I'm just pushing him to his limit, until he finally snaps and breaks up with me.
He's been so understanding of me for so long, and it's just getting harder for him to deal with this.
Today he got mad at me because I didn't finish cleaning the room. And I get it. We've had talks about this before and I promised him I would try harder.
It's hard for him to understand that it's a struggle for me to get out of bed, and that I'm not just completely lazy.
I don't know what I'm doing to do when he realizes that I'm not worth all of this added stress on him.
I don't know how to fix myself.
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self.depression
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How do you feel when someone in remission posts something positive or upbeat here? I've had three good days in a row and I woke up today feeling good too but now I don't want to just abandon my fellows but I don't want to make you guys feel envious or more depressed either.
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self.depression
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I think I am going to make a mistake tonight. I have a bag of pills sitting on my dresser and I don't know whether or not to txt my GF, she'd be asleep right now and I don't want to be a bother. Or worry her.
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self.depression
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I want to get better but I don't like the world. This is a horrible world. Human nature is selfish - we use and abuse each other as we see fit. We're nice when it benefits us and we do whatever we want behind closed doors. The rich exploit the poor who have to struggle every day, physically and emotionally, just to get by and if someone makes a mistake and loses their living the world doesn't care a damn.
Sure there are nice things in life, it can't be denied. I'd love to be rich, to sail around the world in my yacht, no cares no worries, maybe throw a party where I can drink and drug myself silly and just pay someone to clean it all up. But of course, such a life is only possible when we exploit the third world for cheap goods and labour. When we use people's lives for our own ends. And with that comes guilt - the guilt of becoming the rich psychopaths we once loathed. When we're poor we just want to be rich to live the lives we dream of - when we have the lives we dream of we can't help but feel guilty.
I want my depression to end. I dream of just being a normal guy, have a girlfriend, a nice house, fun hobbies, good friends and a job that pays well and suits me. Same as everyone right? Well to get that I'm going to have to fight for promotions against people who might need them more than me. If I rise high, fire people who aren't pulling their weight. Humans are animals who care only about themselves, and I'm no different. I know how I work and it's disgusting. If I went out and acted how my nature wants to, I'm as bad as anyone.
I just want to get what I want, but I'm disturbed by the rules of life that I'll have to play by.
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self.depression
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My first day in rehab/therapy Hey guys, first post here so I hope it doesn’t read too badly. I’ve struggled with a year long depressive episode now, involving heavy alcohol abuse. Something quite uncommon for an 18 year old.
Yesterday, I made the first step to talk to my mother about it, and with a councilors help, I was checked into a three week rehab program that also specializes in mental disorders.
At first I was very afraid and nervous, but I spend my first day here with lovely people of all ages going through the same things I am. I just wanted to share how grateful I am for my 3 room mates, that understand me and are in general awesome people. For the first time in months I felt accepted somewhere and I thought I’d let you guys now :)
TL;DR: People in rehab made me smile for the first time in years
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self.depression
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