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I think my girlfriend is losing interest. She's all I have. I can't lose her. She refuses to tell me anything at this point and has been talking to a lot of other guys. I'm scared. I'll die if I lose her.
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self.Anxiety
|
Realized that a lot of what I thought was innate to my personality was my depression I've gone back on antidepressants, and I always respond really well to them. My depression has been a slow burn for years, so I've been able to dismiss it and understate how broad its reach is upon me, but now my happiness feels genuine for once and I feel like myself again. I'm more confident, more talkative and more productive. Obviously not everyone responds as well to medication, but I just feel really happy to be making progress and felt like sharing. It's interesting to see how much they have changed my outlook for the better.
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self.depression
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Depression and Anxiety has left me so lost and I don't know how to break from it. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Something good might have just happened but I don't know [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Today I played my favourite game while watching my favourite show and eating my favourite meal, yet I still feel like crap I feel so stupid. All the time. Nobody cares what I think and nobody sees me. Sometimes I actually wonder if I'm invisible. I'm also addicted to cutting so that's great I guess. I have severe trust issues and my therapist has suddenly and out of the blue gone bonkers. Let me give you some context. I live in a medium sized house with two brothers, my parents and my cat. I live in an upper-middle class family. We have money, food, a house, two cars and access to therapy. I spoke to my therapist yesterday. I told her that I always feel lonely and depressed. First she said that all teens think they have depression. She then reminded me that 'Depression doesn't exist.' Which later turned into 'Stop lying for attention!' We also discussed how everyone has trust issues because really, no one is trustworthy. YES, she told me that no one is trustworthy! That is surely going to help me open up about my feelings.She also felt the need to tell me that she does not recommend therapy for 12 year old's because they haven't experienced life yet. I CAN'T EXPERIENCE LIFE YET! I spend all my time curled up in a ball on the ground crying! I cut my wrists in the bathroom every week, it's actually become a kind of bedtime ritual. She says "you don't need to just hide from the world, go do things that make you HAPPY!" Seriously? I really don't think she has EVER met someone with depression. She knows nothing about depression whatsoever. See that's the thing about depression, all the things that normally make you happy... THEY DO NOTHING. I am sitting, playing Minecraft and watching New Girl with MY CAT, MY BELOVED CAT! And yet I still feel like crap.. I'm on new anti-depressants, THEY'RE DOING NOTHING! I am so sick of nothing working! We then discussed how I just need to think happy thoughts and I will then be happy forever. And finally, the cherry on top, she tells me that I am UNGRATEFUL and IMPOLITE. Sometimes I am selfish, sometimes I am mean, and yet the only two insults in the world that do not apply to me are being impolite and being ungrateful. I am thankful for everything I have ever received in my entire life. Whether it's the phone I got for Christmas or the barbie set my aunt gave me three years after I outgrew barbie. And Impolite? I am by a long shot the most polite kid in my school filled with 700 kids. All my friends parents think that I'm a good influence. I say please and thank you, I offer to help with anything they need. I have gone to my friends house, helped make dinner, set the table and cleaned up her dishes. You might actually think that she was my guest at my house. I am just so sick of trying. All my therapists suck, all my friends suck, all my meds suck, all my teachers suck. All I want to do is sit back, cut and cry. But I can't because I have to keep on living even though I don't want to keep going. I just don't think I can do this anymore. I just don't get the point? I'm so tired of letting my walls down just to get hurt. I don't tell my friends anything real, because I don't trust them. And while my therapist sounds a little nuts, the funny thing is that I really thought things were working for awhile. A few sessions ago we really connected and I actually told her real things, not just what I thought she wanted to hear. I can't keep putting myself through this. I feel like I'm living a lie and I just don't want to do this anymore. Living is overrated. What's the point of living if you aren't enjoying it anyway? I feel so empty and drained. I just need to sleep so that I have enough energy to live in this hell-hole again tomorrow. I just think that.. I've done my time here you know, God had a really fun 12 years messing with me and ripping out my soul. It's a little ironic actually because everyday here, well everyday here, my will to live dies a little inside. I'm just feel ready to die.
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self.depression
|
Im 21 years old and i hate my life [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I feel like such a waste of life. I can't beat this monster of a problem I have. I lost long ago and at this point I'm crawling around wounded from this 26 year long fight. I think I might be done. No amount of words can fix me. I was doomed from the start and never really had a fair chance. Life ain't fair though right? I'm fucking going insane.
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self.depression
|
I don't know anything I'm obsessed with finding my soulmate, but I don't know where she is. I've got no motivation whatsoever, nor did I have any dreams but finding my soulmate since my first crush when I was 11 (I've had two obsessive crushes and fucked up all of my chances with both of them, but that's just another story). I'm an 18-year old university student. I'm in the middle of all these confident, talkative students just being my silent, indifferent self. I'm getting bad grades and I don't even really care about it. I want to get a new crush so I will finally have a new goal in life, but I can't seem to find a good 'candidate'. No-one is both my type and pretty, and the ones who seem to be are already taken.
I still daily check the Messenger online status of my most recent crush whom I haven't seen since late 2016 (she's not responding to my messages). I hardly knew her but she was the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. The thought that someone is going to get a relationship with her, kiss her, and mostly, fuck her, is killing me. I get the urge to puke when I think of someone polluting her heavenly, innocent body with his dirty lust. I am afraid to go to the toilet because I'm paranoid something or someone brutal is going to grab me from behind and kill me. I'f afraid to get sweaty, which is the reason why I don't exercise. I smoke weed three times a week with friends and it seems the only way to have fun.
I'm socially awkward with just about everyone on my university. I have Asperger and still live at home with my parents. I am a kissless virgin. Lately I've been into sinister subjects such as serial killers, terror and mysterious deaths. I'm inconfident about my hair to the point where it gets absolutely ridiculous (even skipped a lecture once because I thought my hair did not look right). When days at the university last longer than around four hours I get paranoid that I might do or say something wrong, and I wish I was in my bedroom so I can't fuck up anything. About that, I tend to fuck up everything; I'm extremely clumsy. I constantly drop money from my wallet when I'm paying at a store, for example. Even paying by credit card doesn't go smoothly. I hold vague monologues to myself in front of the mirror (I mostly improvise them, but I've also been reciting Vaas's insanity monologue from Far Cry 3).
I have been trying to find a sexting partner, I'm generally getting sex-obsessed, I think (I've been trying to search for tips online on how to get one-night-stands and hookups). I'm currently on around 15 datingsites, without success.
I don't really know why I'm posting this. Maybe it is a cry for help, or for some genius to give me the right diagnosis. Cause that's something important as well: I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't even know whether I have depression, social anxiety, sex-addiction, love-addiction, or even nothing at all.
Does anyone know what to do? I have no idea myself. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to my apocalypse (chillax, I'm not talking about suicide, just things going wrong).
I hope anyone has tips, or anything that helps. Sorry if this breaks the guidelines, I really tried not to do so. Would be a nice fuckup again though.
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self.depression
|
Any books (self help or otherwise) you guys would recommend for someone with severe anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Nothing stopping me anymore I finally managed to isolate myself from anyone who would even remotely care if I killed myself and with that got rid of the one thing that stopped me everytime so far, not wanting to put others through that. Now that that's gone I can go in peace.
Goodbye
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Today i actually felt like killing myself, and it scared me There has only been one other time i wanted to kill myself, but i pulled myself together back then, but now i am affraid that i might be going into a really deep depression again, i am actually tearing up as i am writing this..but i'm a 17 year old guy..i don't want to be known as a depressive piece of shit, i don't want people to see me weak.
I haven't been good at making friends or even remembering people's names (half of my classmates as an example) and i just have been feeling like i need someone, who is not one of my parents, help me...or even perhaps love me, i just had another fucking fight with my classmates, and it is clear that some classmates don't like me and are even making fun of me, i do have some classmates who support me tho, but i am not sure what to do, i have great parents and a few great classmates but i am still depressed, hell i even have 2 pets who i'm pretty sure know when i feel bad, my cat just noticed me crying...
My parents don't know this tho, i keep telling them i'm fine because i'm scared.
I just want to be a normal guy, i don't want to be depressed and die alone.
Please, help me.
I will try my Best not to even think of killing myself, i don't want that...but i did warn my classmates that i want to kill myself... What do i do..
|
self.depression
|
I need to put some stupid stuff in perspective before it starts me down a path... Hey guys,
Need some advice on how to handle. So apparently according to my psych I may have the kind of makeup that finds/needs something that is a problem to worry about (just so I can keep my anxiety issues fresh and relevant I guess lol)
This seems so silly posting but we have neighbors who moved in who run their ducted a.c constantly now that it has warmed up (even when it is 22c). (Southern Hemisphere here) it’s right near our fence, it’s all I can hear through the whole house and it sounds like I’m living in a pool filter all the freaking time. My hubby seems to be able to just let it fade into background noise, it doesn’t bother my kid. But I can’t let it go.
I mean it’s causing massive anxiety. It sounds so stupid, but it’s all I think about and it triggers all sorts of other shit. It’s like a sense of injustice, it’s like I can’t believe that I can’t open my windows for the next 5 months. It’s invading my personal space - and my head!
I’d talk to them but they have a baby, I don’t blame them (although my rage is building) and they probably don’t realize how loud it is and I don’t know what they could do about it if they did know.
Please help me put this into perspective. I know I can get carried away with doing that but I get fixated on the things I have no control over for some reason. I know the situation isn’t that bad but it’s all I can think about.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'll never be stable My pdoc wants to stop switching drugs every few weeks. I stop them because of unbearable side effects or them making me suicidal or whatever. So now I'm stuck on a combo where I can't sleep through the night and I'm still depressed and he won't do anything about it.
My therapist told me to stop talking to my main support person unless it's really bad so I'm not so dependent on her.
I feel like in the last two days so much of my help was taken away.
I feel like my depression will never get under control. And now I'm suicidal again.
|
self.bipolar
|
I hate my life I literally hate myself for everything. I’m so over myself. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that this is my life. I feel that I would have been a different person if my cousin hadn’t done that to me. I feel it changed me and I can’t get over it. People have been through worse than what he did to me so I shouldn’t make such a big deal. He changed me though. Everyone noticed the changed but still don’t know why. My parents still ask what happened to me as if it was my fault that my personality changed so drastically. If they only knew would they still believe me. And even if they did what would happen? How could his parent a believe me? It’s been years. Why didn’t I say anything. It was my fault for not telling anyone then. It’s too late now.
I hate that I have this incurable thing and the fact that I can’t even afford treatment for it. I hate that doctors just shove birth control at me without any advice or explain just because I am not looking to get pregnant now. If I can’t even afford to go to a doctor how can I afford the $300 birth control????? The only thing that I felt was pretty about me was my hair and now it’s all gone. I want to feel feminine and I can’t even have that.
I hate this crippling anxiety. I can’t do anything. I hate my job but I can’t do anything because of this anxiety. And then this anxiety causes depression and now I’m stuck. I hate myself. It’s just better if I weren’t here. I literally don’t contribute anything. Why should I stay here. I’m literally mad all the time. My boyfriend and family don’t deserve that. People say to think about family. I am. It would be better for everybody if I weren’t here.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
WarningIs this a Manic Episode? [Please HELP] [x-post /r/bipolar] I've been diagnosed with bipolar by three different psychiatrists. I kept asking for different opinions because I thought I was "simply" afflicted with major depression (on and off, for about a decade!).
I've finally accepted the diagnosis and started the treatment, but the pills that the doctor prescribed are exclusively to treat symptoms of depression in patients with bipolar disease (Lamictal).
For the past 5 days, however, I've been experiencing something **very** different:
* Some of my thoughts seem foreign to me, in the sense that I **know** they don't make sense, but I am still drawn to/consumed by them.
* I do and say things that are completely outrageous. Even though I am perfectly aware that they are outrageous, I somehow can't stop myself.
* It's very easy to trigger my irritability. I am screaming loudly and aggressively, and using profanity at the slightest of provocations.
* I am vicariously living some fantasies. When I say vicariously, I mean that I am having extreme reactions of nostalgia over things that never happened (fake memories). It's strange in the sense that I **know** they are fake but, at the same time, I believe them?
My head is a big mess. I don't have any answers. When I'm depressed, none of this happens.
Right now, I feel like I have more than one person inside my head. There is the rational side, the side that is aware that something is off, the side that is writing this. And then there is the unbalanced side, the side that is causing all this havoc.
The only thing that seems to help is to go clubbing, or to a place with a lot of noise. It somehow makes my thoughts more clear and leaves me more relaxed (even without the help of alcohol).
Has anyone experienced any of these things? I am scared, but I end up driving away everyone that tries to offer their help.
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self.bipolar
|
Anxiety about starting medication Does anyone have any tips for getting over anxiety wrt starting new medication?
I've had a new medication (strattera/atomoxetine) I've been prescribed for about a week now but whenever I go to take them I get super anxious and scared so don't. Although I know it's logically very unlikely, I keep fixating on the potential for bad side effects and it's freaking me out. Like I really want to try these as they might help me a lot I just keep getting too scared
Does anyone have tips for getting over this fear? :/
Any help is greatly appreciated
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self.Anxiety
|
I have no purpose except to die I keep feeling like I can see into the shadowy heart of things. like, I'll be riding in a car past some beautiful mountains, but all I can think about is how there is a dark shadow version of that mountain somewhere.
I just got home from work and all I can see in my mind is an image of my body upside down hanging from barbed wire. the word "garotted" keeps running through my mind.
whenever I'm stressed out by external things, my thoughts shift from being these dreamlike images of violence, to vicious self-hatred. the following thought has become like an automatic reflex: "kill yourself, you fucking whore." I'm not sure where this comes from...it's not even a bad thing to be a sex worker, but apparently it's the worst insult my mind can come up with for myself.
Anyway...the "funny" thing is that all these self-hating and suicidal thoughts are so unpleasant that I want to die to escape them.
I wish very much that I didn't hate myself and I'm not entirely sure if I have great reasons for hating myself (though I can think of at least a couple decent ones) but at the end of the day I do hate myself and I have for years and years, I hate myself with the kind of passion that I've never felt for anyone else, good or bad, and I can't think of any reason why I exist on earth at all. I wish so badly that I knew why I was here, I wish I had something that I lack...a purpose I guess. I wish that the same vividness that runs through these suicidal thoughts could be turned toward something more positive. but no. that's why I sometimes feel like I don't have any purpose except to die...to free myself from this self-hatred and aimlessness in life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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waiting is the worst just waiting for the bus to arrive, waiting by the door to leave sets my heart off and makes me so anxious, even waiting for my lesson to end,, its terrible
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self.Anxiety
|
Here from /r/depression I've felt suicidal for over five months. I've attempted around four or so times, and have been cutting so much that after three months, none have had any time to heal. They got bigger, going from an inch to having 30, each deep as hell, and stretching across my entire leg. I've never felt so alone. Hotlines never work, family doesn't care, and my friends try their hardest. I've felt empty since June, when my girlfriend left me. She never explained, but I know it was me, even though she was the one person I've been fully committed to, without me even questioning once if I wanted to stop. She was my everything, and she's on my mind EVERY second of the day. She legitimately hates me, and refuses to talk to me, which I've respected for months. I would never want to bother her after everything I had to have done to her... but every day, every place, every experience just continues to remind me of her. Her lips, her voice, everything just haunts me. And of course, tomorrow just has to be what would've been our "one year anniversary" if things were still... existent... I can't go on like this. My mind doesn't even work anymore. It's just fucking ripped into two now. I have to deal with panic attacks and complete breakdowns on a daily basis in school, and of course my friends like to taunt me over everything. I don't know who'll even see this, if anyone, but keep going. Another common teen suicide, you won't find ANYTHING of interest here. If tomorrow goes as I expect, I won't be seeing any of the responses to this. Unless somehow my ex decides to confront me or something, I feel like this is it. I want to be free of this emotional torment. So, to prevent myself from ranting any further, goodnight, reddit. Goodnight to my friends, family, and to those who put up with my hell. "And I think I'll blow my brains Against the ceiling And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall Fall on your tongue like pixie dust" I'm hoping she can live her life to the fullest, she deserves it more than I.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm not insecure or jealous because I don't want a girlfriend with a large sexual history. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else feel like commiting suicide out of spite? Because I do. Every single time my family tells me to "snap out of my depression" and "go back to being the person you used to be" I feel like killing myself in front of them. They don't understand the severity of my situation. They think I can just "change". As if I wanted this to be my life. I absolutely hate myself and think of how every second I'm alive is wasted. My mind is a mess and the last time I was genuinely happy was ages ago. I don't know what to do anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Always feeling tired? I always feel tired even when I eat well and get enough sleep
I Don't drink often or do any drugs besides nicotine and caffeine
Is this a symptom of depression? Anyone else feel like this? Is there anything I can do to stop feeling fatigued everyday?
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self.depression
|
What did I fuck up so badly? No one else seems to have such a hard time just being alive. Every day I take ten minutes or so to wake up. My bedroom is dirty, this is a given. My sheets are usually cleaner than my bedroom, although that isn’t saying much. When I’m fully awake I remember about everything I’ve done wrong, everything that’s exhausting and awful about my life, and how I want desperately to die, and that’s pretty much it. That’s what I do with my day. Sometimes I’ll go to class, or write an essay, but those are really just things I do with my hands while I think about how much I want to kill myself.
What happened here? What did I fuck up so badly? I’m always bored, no matter what happens. I fail at everything, except things that don’t matter. I have friends, but I don’t remember the last time any of them asked me if I wanted to hang out, and they’re busy when I ask. I feel alone. I’m losing weight. I feel tired.
On top of everything else, my dog has late stage cancer. He’s a good fucking dog. Christ, I can’t even write about this. I think I’ll go get drunk. Maybe I’ll sleep for while.
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self.depression
|
10 years and counting - living with depression and anxiety I tried to kill myself when i was 8, drunk shit ton of pills because I dont want to go to school the next day. Then attemp after attemp at shitty methods I just try to live with it.
It get worse lately, I tried to drown myself, thought about jump of a high place or just something to end my life again. I cant go to theraprist, I have no money, family wont understand and telling them will just make it worse. School is killing me, social is killing me.
If I werent such a pussy this would end already.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Cleaned my room today I'm obviously cured. Bye forever r/depression!
/ssssss
Edit. This got a lot more attention than I expected. I am really glad that this place exists, you made my day even better. I am definitely not leaving anytime soon, regardless of if I ever get better or not.
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self.depression
|
Anti-Depression / Anxiety meds that don’t affect your sex drive? So, I’m a female. I have been taking Lexapro off and on since the Summer last year. I keep coming off of it because I can’t orgasm when I’m on it and it usually takes a week after I come off for me to be able to again. I’ve read that this is a common problem with this medication. I don’t see how not being able to climax is supposed to help anyone who is depressed tbh.
So anyway I’ve read about Wellbutrin being good + not affecting sex drive in women, is there anything else?
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self.depression
|
My fiancee left me a couple months ago, and things aren't getting better. About two months ago, my fiancee left me. We've been together for six years, and she was... really everything I've ever wanted in a partner. We were so happy together. I never had any doubts, and as far as I knew, she didn't either. When she told me one night that she didn't love me anymore, it was the most soul-crushing surprise I've ever had.
I spent a couple of weeks basically doing nothing. I stopped going to school, I barely ate, I didn't talk to anyone... But I started going to counseling, and I started taking some natural supplements for mood control, and things started to get just a little more manageable.
And then, I had a breakthrough with my counselor that, basically, I've been depressed for a really long time. I haven't been happy with myself for years, and I can see now how much that made me an awful partner. I know that I could have been better for her, and I can't help but feel like this fucked up version of me is what pushed her away. I resolved to be better--not for her, but for myself.
And in that respect, things have been great. I've been eating healthier, I've been working out every day, I'm doing better hobbies than just sitting on my laptop for hours on end. I've lost 15 pounds, grown more muscle than I've ever had, and my BMI is now below the "overweight" threshold. I also have a co-op lined up at a really good company, who have expressed interest in hiring me full-time after the co-op term. I have made so many changes and strides in my life that I should be so proud of.
But I just don't care. Since she left, we've seen each other a couple of times, and she has told me multiple times that she really wants to stay friends. She's seen the changes I'm making, and she's so happy for me... but she doesn't feel any differently. And she doesn't have any answers for me about what changed either.
I feel so utterly depressed about my life. I'm still eating better, I'm still working out, but I'm losing the pride that came with it. When we were together, she told me endlessly about how she wanted to grow old with me, and we always talked about the family we wanted... As much as I am happy with the person I am now... she was my partner--my best friend--for six years, and she left. She sees how better I am now, and she didn't come back. So much time has passed, and I've made no progress in how I feel for her. Every time I think about her, I just fall into misery. I just want her back so badly. We were so fucking happy, even with my shitty issues in the way. I miss going to bed with her and waking up next to her in the morning. I miss talking to her every day about how our days went. I miss cooking for her, and watching TV with her... I miss just seeing her every day. I don't know what to do with myself. My school has even been on strike, so I don't have that to keep me busy.
I just... I don't know what to do. I love her so much... I feel so worthless.
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self.depression
|
Advice is needed please. Uh, well long story short. I'm the kind of person that has no friends because of my looks. And well recently things have been looking good for me. I've been going to the gym and I'm much more confident in myself. So for the problem itself. I meet this nice guy when I was playing a game. The first few weeks started out really nice he was funny and kind. But he started asking for pictures of me. Now I'm not stupid and declined knowing dangers. It's been continuing for these months and I really like having a friend that I can just talk to every now and then. But I hate that he randomly asks "Can I see you?" Or "How do you look like?" I don't know what to do to be honest. Should I send him a picture or just say no? I really just want to play and have fun.. My previous(current) depression might be affecting my judgement but I just need some one to tell me if I should or not. Thanks
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self.depression
|
Anyone have solutions for excess sweating on wellbutrin / bupropin? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I had my first panic attack and now I'm scared as hell of it. Yeah. Thursday I got home from rugby practice and as soon as I enter the bathroom. I suddenly couldn't breathe and ripped off the layers I had on. Still felt like I was choking & I just suddenly fell and everything went numb and it felt like forever. Now if i even think about it I just suddenly become cold & my hands start sweating a little bit so yeah. Just wanted to put this somewhere. yeah. rugby. fun. recommend it.
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self.offmychest
|
I can't get past my mistakes and it's killing me Does anyone else have a really hard time forgiving themselves, which leads up to constant feelings of guilt and fear, not only because you did terrible things in the past, but also because of terrible things you might/will do in the future, while the disappointment (whether real or not) of the people you love just eats you alive? Why is it so hard to forgive yourself and why can't I get my own mistakes out of my head?
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self.depression
|
Lost the last reason to force myself to live My boyfriend is leaving me. I’m in my 30’s and I’ve been through deep heartache before this so when I say this is truly different than even the other dark times I’ve been in, I mean it.
We have this huge life together and I just can’t live without it being how it was. It was like the most perfect and beautiful dream.
I always said I can’t kill my self because of my dad. He’d just die. I talked to him last night and explained my boyfriend’s depression and my dad said that some people are just depressed and he doesn’t get it because he’s the type of man that will just keep going no matter what. I asked him what he would do if I died suddenly and he said he’d be deeply depressed but eventually he’d pick up and move on because there’s no way to bring me back by torturing himself forever. Makes sense and I wasn’t offended and I know he still loves me more than anything or anyone. But it made me feel that it’s okay to do this. I’ve maybe eaten two full meals since the day before thanksgiving. Other than that, just a soda or an orange here and there. I try to eat but I just can’t.
I have to go back to work tomorrow or I will lose my job. My boyfriend only cares that I’m cutting myself and not eating. He left the day after Thanksgiving and has been back a handful of times to try and talk to me or spend time with me and check on the cat. My best and only real friend is supportive but it doesn’t help once I hang up the phone.
Death seems so easy. It’s easy to get a gun. And cheap. I don’t give a shit if I’m pretty or funny or smart or likable. Don’t care that I have a job and a car. Nothing matters more to me than the well being of my boyfriend and relationship and my heart. He’s not in love with me like he was and I literally cannot bear it.
I don’t need to be talked out of it. I can’t be. I’m a pussy so I may not go through with it. My boyfriend is coming back today but I think once I eat and get the energy to appear well enough to get a gun I’ll at least go buy it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I dont know what to do anymore. This might be long, so sorry about that. I dont know what to do anymore, my depression and anxiety are kicking my ass, i dont sleep and my performace is lacking in my work and home life.
I love my fiance and our two cats but lately all she seems to want to do is tear me down over my shortcomings. I do everything in my power for her and it just doesnt seem to be enough. My wants and dreams for my life seem unattainable at this point and i wake up with a feeling of dread everyday that i will never get out of this rut. The meds dont help, my depression is as bad as ever and my anxiety is completely crippling and i have no way to relieve it, ive tried so many different things i dont know what else to try.
If i knew i could make it seem like an accident i would have done it already, the only thing stopping me is my love for my family and they cant know i killed myself, that would break them but all i want is to sleep forever. Sorry this is so long and rambling, thanks to anyone who read this i just needed to tell someone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Whatever. I just don't care. Do whatever you want, people, but leave me out of it, because right now I don't care at all.
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self.offmychest
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Predicting the Worst Some on another subreddit wrote, "I know that this is something that I will live with the rest of my life."
I used to believe that. *Really*. Then I got into the stuff listed below and discovered that "The past is history, the future is a mystery, and all I really have is right *now*." As well as, "How the hell do I actually *know* what the future will be like?" (Because I was damned sure what it was going to be on May 28, 1997, and October 12, 2002, when I emptied the medicine cabinets into my stomach. But I was wrong.)
I found out that what I *thought* was far less useful (or helpful) than what I could see, hear and otherwise sense. The following might be worth a few minutes of your time to get a sense of how I gave up thinking and got into looking, listening and feeling.
[Experts on meditation](http://pairadocks.blogspot.com/2016/08/on-meditation.html)
Hmm. You ever see an Oscar-winning movie called >>> "[Life of Pi](https://www.google.com/search?q=life+of+pi+trailer&oq=Life+of+Pi+trailer&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j0l5.9029j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)" <<< or hear a (big) hit song called >>> "[Ride the Tiger](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBtIbaFAVTg)?" <<< They're all about this stuff.
(When the singers use the word "love," what they mean is *being with what IS in relationship,* instead of our *ideas* about things... which is exactly what "the tiger" is. When I was willing to ride that sucker rather than run from it, things got better in a hurry. NOT saying it "cured" bipolar, but my *experience* of it is just not what it used to be.)
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self.bipolar
|
It's just me I've read a lot of other people's postings and talked to some pretty great people. I don't know if anyone will end up reading this, but I don't know I feel like I just need to get this out of my mind.
I'm 30 and I'm a guy. I happen to be a short guy, which means that a lot of people don't view you as a human being. Only real men are tall after all. Well my entire life has been a shit show full of all kinds of fun moments. I was the loser in highschool because I was smaller than the other guys. So I'd walk home with people just pelting me with rocks and telling me to kill myself. I wasn't strong and I tried to end things and I tried to hang myself pretty early on. I was 15 when I went home and just decided to do it without thinking, but I was unlucky and I survived. So I thought maybe there is something more for me and I was wrong, so very wrong. I don't have a job currently because the one I had I quit sometime ago to move thousands of miles for a woman and it ended up not working out, there's a whole story there that's just fucking... It's... I don't know... So I thought when you love someone there's nothing you wouldn't do for them and gave up everything. I've seen people telling me you shouldn't give this up or that... What is love supposed to be if you're not willing to give them all of you? So when things fell apart, I was sent packing, and losing my job again and everything that we had made together, it was all taken away with the words "I don't feel the same anymore..." No matter how hard I fought, she would remind me how little it would make a difference no matter what I said. It was my fault for not showing her the love I felt because I wasn't good at those things, but I did love her. So I had to move back in with my father because I have nothing. As I suffered getting over her I just came to realize that I'm just shit all around. I met her online because when you're a short guy, no one fucking cares and before you decide to say someone does or someone will. Possibly you'd like to remind me there's always hope or someone for everyone. You can forget that nonsense. I've been me a lot longer than you have. I feel like people are basically telling me to keep fucking dancing you clown. As each day goes on, I feel less and less of anything. The idea of suicide never scared me, but I had family and we were never close, but not even that works anymore. There's just this empty feeling, nothing I used to enjoy doing works. I just can't bring myself to do them anymore. I mean I totally suck ass at life and relationships. A lot of people try and give me hope and I don't care if life's going to get better or there's that special someone another ten years down the road, but they're there. I say I'm a fucking clown because I'm a fool. I'd literally give up everything for someone else and I have, weird right? Whatever love is supposed to be. I am honestly no good at it, so people tell me just get used to being alone or find the joy in it. I find no joy thinking about killing myself all day long or feeling absolutely no emotions towards anything. I firmly believe it doesn't matter what you'd do for someone, but it only matters what the person looks like doing it and don't tell me looks don't matter, you're fucking lair. I'm not perfect at all and I'm probably never going to have some kind of amazing job or house. I only wanted to be with someone and have fun with them, but it'll never happen because anytime I have any kind of relationship trouble, it turns into a fucking catastrophic melt down.
I just see no hope and feel no hope and I don't even know what to hope for anymore... So let's say I met someone. I'd honestly ask them what the fuck are you doing, there's better people out there than me. I'm just a fucking mess of nothing... This rant of mine is all over the place. I just find myself asking why am I here or what was I meant for? Because in the 30 years I've been alive I have no fucking clue.
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self.SuicideWatch
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If it’s possible please If it’s possible for someone to help me, for someone to save me. Please please do it because I can’t go on like this. I’ve been told a lot of things and given advice but it’s not working. I need some sort of miracle or something... seeing how things are now I’ll definitely be dead before the end of the year, maybe even month.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Head Pressure Anyone else get constant pressure in your head, where it feels like buzzing energy is coursing through your skull. I feel like I have excess energy in my head at all times.
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self.bipolar
|
I really just want someone to talk to I'm having a lot of trouble in my relationship at the moment, and I want to be able to talk to someone through PMs or something. I don't wanna put everything out on here, but I really want to be able to talk some things through with someone understanding.
Thanks reddit
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self.depression
|
Accepting my inconsistency I'm not going to beat myself up anymore.
I go thru days, weeks, even months sometimes of being great at scheduling and following thru.
When I stop, I get mad at myself.
I'm done doing that.
I'm consistent with taking meds and have been for over a year. I'm consistent with therapy. I'm consistent with my daughter.
So screw my micromanaging/going on the fly mixes. I'm just "that way," and at 30 years old, I'm finally okay with that.
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self.bipolar
|
How do i not fake excitement and enjoyment in life i feel like when I'm in one of my more depressed points in my life i just fake my excitement and enthusiasm for things that normally i enjoy but in these times i just cant seem to. i just wanna know if i should continue to fake it until i feel normal or no idk what to do
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self.depression
|
I’m so tired of coming home to loneliness and depression Nobody to talk to. Nobody that can show me I’m not crazy. I try to engage with people and nothing ever comes of it.
I try to get close to people and I come out the other side creepy. I’m tired of people acting like they understand me and turn the whole thing into a joke.
I’m about to go workout, maybe I’ll be able to channel this anger and frustration into something productive. I sure hope so because otherwise I’ll fail another quiz because of my frustration. I feel so stuck.
I know I am a dick sometimes, I know I’m an asshole, but it’s not easy to fix your personality. It’s easy to recognize but it takes so long and so much dedication to really make the changes.
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self.depression
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you aren't the person you said you were. and you knew you were lying about it the whole time. [removed]
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self.offmychest
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All my friends are becoming much more successful than me Trying not to wallow in self-pity right now but just felt like venting a bit. All my friends who I went to school with are now in long term relationships, becoming doctors, or traveling the world. One of my friends who graduated with me now works at a very large tech company, works from home whenever he feels like it, and goes on international trips for fun every few months with his girlfriend. I'm trying to not compare myself to them but it's very difficult, especially when I'm single, moved back in with my parents, and am unemployed.
I know this won't be forever for me and I need to work hard to get to where I want to be, but it feels discouraging when I've moved from entry level job to entry level job and not really gotten anywhere with my life, while my peers all seem to be moving up to higher income brackets.
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self.offmychest
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I’m currently in a psych ward at my local hospital and I want to shed some light on things to help anyone that I can. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I’ve been running on empty for too long. I can’t keep fucking going. This shit is just too much. I’m just so tired all the time. Got diagnosed with generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and depression recently.
I can feel my whole future crumbling. I used to be such a smart kid, and now I doubt any university would ever want me. I just want to fucking die so I don’t have to deal with any of this bullshit ever again.
It’s like my mind and spirit died months ago, and I used to be horrified at the thought of my body being found dead. The thought of never seeing my dog, or never smelling vanilla, and the simple pleasures in life. But I’ve run out of reasons. I don’t care if my hands never grip anything ever again, I just want my whole being to be dead. I don’t care if i never taste any food ever again, I’ve tasted everything I want to taste.
I’m just out of reasons to stick around.
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self.SuicideWatch
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In two weeks I'm going to kill myself I just need two weeks to settle everything and make sure I don't leave a mess behind for others to clean up. And I need someone to know. To acknowledge me. That I was here.
So wish me luck, reddit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Well, I did it this time (huge hypomanic fuckup) During a bout of hypomania - I decided a month ago to move halfway across the country. I had secured a job and it felt like I was finally ready to be on my own and start a new life. I got here and the job isn't what was advertised ... it is in an extremely rough part of town, and my living situation isn't much better. I know that if I don't do something quick, I'm going to crash back into depression. I'm thinking about going home where I have a safety net (albeit a shaky one), my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my family. I'm so embarrassed and devastated by my decision, and now I'm worried as hell. I realize I am truly as mentally ill as has been described to me as part of this illness. I have made the ultimate hypomanic/manic fuckup, and I'm scared to be honest. I could really use a friend right now - I'm in a terrible spot. I can't believe this has happened to me. I think it's time for me to continue to wait on the disability process and hope for the best; I do not believe I am capable of working at this time in my life. I can't describe how scared I am right now.
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self.bipolar
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The only thing keeping me alive is my low self-esteem The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that people will see me as some attention whore or weak once I commit suicide. I just want to die but I can't let the people think that of me.
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self.depression
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Feeling Alone in a Group of People No one seems to care that I walked off to my room. No one seems to care that I'm not eating. No one seems to care that I'm having a really bad day.
The past few weeks have been horrible. I also just want to disappear. I've been crying almost every night. I've wanted to start self harming again. And I've been heavily thinking about suicide.
I only have one thing to look forward to, and after that, I don't know if I'll be here.
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self.depression
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Zoloft side effects and marijuana? I'm not sure if this post belongs here, but about a week ago I got prescribed 50mg Zoloft for my depression and I have been having a lot of nausea and vomiting. Could marijuana help ease my side effects, or would it make it worse? I often smoke it so it isn't new to me, I just need some relief from these side effects.
I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes, english is not my first language
Edit: it ended up helping a lot, I smoked a couple joints with my friend and the nausea and vomiting went away! :)
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self.depression
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Finally cleaning my room... After 6 years of depression and 1 year of being free of it, I’m finally cleaning my room. For the first time in maybe...5 years. I’m so ashamed of how horrible it is and how dirty I’ve let it become, but I’m thankful I’m actually cleaning it.
A PSA to the rest of you: throw out any food or drink cans. They will grow mould and it will be disgusting.
It’s hard to not lose hope whilst doing it all but I have to as I’m getting a new bed in soon. I even have to get help from my dad it’s that bad in a corner. Might post a before and after once I’m finished, but I feel like a skank haha.
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self.depression
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Ghosted In A 15 Year Relationship. tldr: Got ghosted from amazing 15 year relationship. No contact since. Don't know why.
When I was 16 I started College. I am a male. On my course was this amazing girl. She was sweet, lovely, caring, and unlike the other girls on the course, she wasn't nasty or anything. She was the same age as me.
We very quickly became a couple as we got on so well. Shortly after we finished College at 18, we both got full time jobs and moved into a flat together. It was perfect. We never had kids though as we weren't interested and didn't feel we had the parental instinct in us.
Our relationship was perfect, our sex life was great, and whenever we had a problem we would work through it together instead of arguing or anything. Her family loved me and my family loved her, which was amazing.
About 6 weeks ago I decided to go to see a relative for the weekend. I went on my own as my SO had work that weekend. I left at about 1am Friday morning. I texted my SO a couple of times on Friday and Saturday.
On Sunday at 11am, I left to go back home. When I came back home at about 7pm, her car was gone, so I assumed she may have been working overtime. When I got inside the flat, I noticed all of her stuff was gone, EVERYTHING OF HERS.
Over the next couple of days I tried texting her and calling her: NO RESPONSE. Her family: NO RESPONSE. I looked on Social Media and noticed she, nor her family were on my friends lists. I tried emailing them, no response. I tried asking some of her friends what happened and they were as confused as I am.
I rung her employer and they said that on the day before I came home, she handed in her resignation as wasn't seen again.
I went over to her parents' house and their was a "To Let" sign on it. The parents seemed to have moved out. I still have had no contact from any of them. I don't know what happened, I'm so confused right now!
A couple of days ago I received a letter from her saying: "DO NOT CONTACT ME OR LEGAL ACTION WILL COMMENCE! FROM {INSERT SO's Name}
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self.offmychest
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I think my favorite part about Reddit is that is has no emojis It makes it feel more real, no bull thrown at you
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self.depression
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Anyone else here feel like they aren't "worthy" of their anxiety? I've heard stories of people who have going through so much in their life and still have been able to be sane productive individuals that don't suffer from anxiety attacks. My life wasn't perfect, especially my childhood, but I feel like nothing exceptionally terrible has happened in my life to warrant me feeling so emotionally fragile and prone to anxiety. There was no big "event" to trigger these feelings inside me and I keep thinking that I'm just a weak person.
Anyone else understand this feeling? Do we just have a defective brain?
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self.Anxiety
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Recently prescribed medication — your thoughts/experiences/reviews on Prozac? So I’ve recently been diagnosed with depression and was prescribed Prozac. I come from a family who believe we should avoid using too much medication and they’d prefer if I go for a more “holistic” route of curing my depression. I completely understand where they’re coming from. I’ve heard from other friends who are also taking medication that they’ve had bad side effects from different antidepressants. I wanted to know what experiences/reviews any of you have for Prozac? Weight gain, acne, fatigue, etc.?
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self.depression
|
Anxiety is becoming too overwhelming to cope with I️ feel like I’m losing my mind. Every night it gets worse. Insomnia, intrusive thoughts, songs playing over and over in my head, headaches, tinnitus, dpdr. It’s all just too much. I feel like I’m on the verge of a psychotic break or something. The day is bad enough, but I️ dread the night now because my anxiety is at its worst. I️ have anxiety attacks during the day too, but at night, just the baseline level of anxiety is so much higher. It consumes every thought. Every single external and internal stimulus makes me even more afraid. I️ feel like I️ want to cry.
I’m supposed to be living at school but I️ spend every night at home, and I️ still can’t sleep. I’ve had anxiety before but never this bad. This is horrendous.
I️ think the thing central to my anxiety is my fear that I’m developing schizophrenia. I️ read [this article written by a guy with schizophrenia describing the onset](https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/3b7yvv/this-is-what-developing-acute-schizophrenia-is-like-009), and it scared me into obsessing about the disease all the time. I️ don’t think I️ have it, but every night I️ start believing it more and more. There’s a lot more to it, but all I️ can say is that I’m afraid and everything feels hopeless and futile.
But I’m sure a lot of people on here have had it much worse than me. So, anyone who found themselves at a mental/emotional rock bottom and clawed their way to recovery, please tell me about it
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self.Anxiety
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You've been controlling me for too long Dear little voice in my head,
You have made me stayed with the same girl for four years even though she was abusive and making you feel like you just are some little piece of shit. She never had sex with in this time, and you waited for her to be ready, knowing that she'll never be. I have been taking antidepressants for 1 year and a half and i feel like it's mainly your fault.
I have recently gained back control, broke up with her and managed to find a new girl and become an happier person. But now she's back on my mind because you can't let go of the past.
You are making me sick. I don't want her anymore. But you seem to like being like pain. Leave me out of this.
Thanks
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self.offmychest
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I feel crushed between my mother and my wife [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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How do I accept that this is all there is for me? Bipolar disorder destroyed my life. Ten years ago, I was going to be a surgeon. Now I'm on my every year of trying to complete an English degree. I won't be going to grad school or teaching like I planned with it. I'm drowning in debt and have I no hope of a good job.
I have no friends and no romantic connections.
I can't take care of myself on a day to do basis. I've been in treatment for five years and trying all the medicine and doing everyone they say and it doesn't work. I lost my health insurance and haven't been able to see a psychiatrist or take medicine. I go to a therapist who works on a sliding scale, but I feel worse after every session.
I've realized my condition means I'm always going to have the bare minimum in life. I'm struggling just to get through the next hour. I'm not as capable of being an adult as those around me and I don't have the social resources that would help me get better or live a life that's worthwhile.
I'm all alone with this and not getting better. I'm crazy and so behind in life and need so much to get out of the trap I'm in.
I don't know what to do to be ok with everything being a disaster.
I had so much potential as a young person. I had ambition, but the skills to get where I wanted to go, then I went crazy and lost it. And I wrecked my life to the point where even that better version of myself can't fix it.
Everyone around me is fine and they don't understand why I can't be like every else and finish school and get a job and make money and have a a partner. I can't understand either. And no one cares. I have no one to talk to, never get a break from crazy. Never get to feel undamaged.
This is life for me and I hate it and I've done all I can to change it and it won't change.
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self.bipolar
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I'm a coward On my 18th birthday last month I got 500 euros, of which 300 I had to spend on getting my driver's license and I promised my parents I wouldn't spend all of them because some would be needed to repair the car and etc.. Guess what... I spent them all. My parents expect me to still have at least 100 euros and I have absolutely nothing. I'm the most stupid person in the world, I hate everything about myself, my height (5'4) my hair (gingerish honey), I have had no luck with girls, I have friends, but as I said I'm just such a coward, I can't bear to hear what my family says to me, we aren't really well off, I know it's selfish so I decided to OD on acetaminophen to cause me a painful death i deserve. I wish there was any solution to this but there's nothing. It's only a matter of time before they find out about the money.. God this is all so childish and silly but oh well, they always say that actions have consequences. Thank you for reading, I wish you all the best and goodbye
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self.SuicideWatch
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Should I just kill myself? There's nothing worse than being a trans. And being a repressed trans on top of that
Even if I had the courage to tell anyone I'm hated by everyone. Instead I just exist in silent Misery
If I kill myself there's a chance of being born as a real girl, but in this life the best I can be is some hormonally, surgically mutilated male that lives in a world of fantasy and delusion
Death is literally the only choice
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self.SuicideWatch
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I fucked up So I'm both an intern and full time in a graduate program. Over the last month I've been cheated on by my boyfriend, I cut my dad out of my life, and my sister has been in and out of the hospital and doctors offices with stage 4 kidney disease and mental health issues. She doesn't need dialysis now but will in the somewhat near future. Taking care of her has been a family effort.
Obviously all of this is super overwhelming. I've been so anxious that I have been sick to my stomach. I'm doing my best to keep surviving
Big issue is that with all of that I'm behind on my classes. So badly that I'm going to fail some as of tomorrow.
I decided to talk to my advisor about it. I was talking to her and I didn't want to tell her that I'm bipolar and depressed and I have all of this shit going on...
So I lied. I told her that my sister is starting dialysis and I take her to a lot of appointments. And then I told my friends in my cohort the same thing just in case she asked them. Someone cried because they felt so bad for me.
I feel so bad for lying about it. I needed an out so I didn't have to reveal my emotional issues but I think I crossed a line. And I don't really know what to do about it.
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self.bipolar
|
If anyone reads this... Know that, first of all, I'm exhausted. I dont mean that in a I had a long day and I need a drink way.
I'm exhausted with life. Everyone has their own hand they've been dealt with, full of ups and downs. It seems like I've had more downs than ups. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Long story short, I'm a 28 year old, single mom of a young boy. I've had a series of failed relationships, including the one with his father. But that's not what has me down tonight.
The 1st thing is that I was recently denied a job that I worked really really hard to try and get. You will see why this is such a disappointment to me in just a second...
I'm currently in a relationship with a man whom, has good days, and bad days.... very bad days. He lies to me, hea stolen money from me, hes stolen items from me. We fight on almost a daily basis. He's lazy, he's immature, and he's irresponsible.
Now before y'all get opinionated and tell me the obvious, that I should just leave him...its not that simple. See it wasn't always like this. We met awhile ago, we moved in together after a couple months dating. My son is very attached to him for one and for 2, without his finacial help, i wouldnt be able to maintain living the lifestyle I do. Which is NOT above my means whatsoever. In fact we live paycheck to paycheck. Those two things combined are making things hard to....change. ....also doesn't help I am extremely vulnerable to manipulation. I'm not going there.
I want someone who LOVES me. And respects me. Who loves my son. Who will love us both. I am so tired of ending up with losers, and you know what, maybe it's me. Maybe im too much to handle, i dont know anymore. I love fearlessly. I trust endlessly. Why cant I have those things in return? I want someone to look at me as if I were the most important thing ever. I want someone to FEAR losing me. I want to be married. I want more children. I want to do the cooking and cleaning for a man who APPRECIATES me. I have done it on my own for so long, so it's not a matter of loving myself and doing things for myself.
I think I'm so desperate for a family that I create something elaborate in my mind.and when my reality doesn't match my fantasy I start to freak out. I wish this could make sense for you, whoever, reading this.
I just want to be happy. Whatever that means. I look at all my friends and classmates getting engaged and having babies and I just cry inside. I'm not happy. I am not where i want to be. But I just do not know how to handle this anymore. I am sad all the time. I love my son to death. I would kill for him. I would do anything for him. He's been my rock, and he doesn't even know it. Everytime I feel like giving up, i look at him, and think if I made it this far "alone". I can continie on.
Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
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Heavy thoughts about my future Hello all,
Life for the last few months for me has been a rocky coaster. It all started when I was entering university in September of '17. I thought University was the thing to do after I graduate, I never actually thought about what I really want to do. It wasn't until I entered university in the fall of that year where I started to question as to why I was there in the first place, am I supposed to be there? Anxiety got to me, I dropped out and stayed home to rethink my choices. This was to my parents dismay. A few months later I re-enrolled in university thinking that I wasn't thinking clearly when I first dropped out, but now that university has started again, I feel as if that I'm going down the wrong path. I've been waking up feeling depressed, negative, and having to constantly reassure myself that going to university is a proper decision, but I feel as if I'm lying to myself.
My parents have always envisioned me going to University, getting a bachelor's degree, attaining a future for myself, but I've always thought otherwise. I love being on my feet and working with my hands but my parents discourage me from pursuing a career in it. Everytime I bring the topic up of maybe choosing a different path other than Uni, they always shut it down and give me a guilt trip, saying things like (ie:so and so is at uni, are you not better than them to stay in it too?). I understand they want me to have a future by way of a bachelor's degree and that they worry about my future, but its something that's been chipping away from me that doesn't make me want to go. I know if I continue with university I will either have low motivation with it or will abandon it.
All of this has drained my energy, stressed me out and has made me dislike the things I use to. I feel as if it's either I do what they want to make them happy or do what I want at the expense of their happiness. I'm stuck, idk what to do, I feel utterly hopeless...
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self.depression
|
I’ve been noticing that most of my problems and symptoms coincide with ADHD and Bipolar, my question is, what exactly does a manic episode feel like?
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self.bipolar
|
Weight gain and Abilify I was prescribed Abilify 2mg. I heard about the akathisia and weight gain. I’m going to be starting at a very low dose (1mg and then 2mg). I was wondering if the weight gain was dose related or if lower doses have less of a risk? Also any experiences are welcome since this is my first time on an ap 😬
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self.bipolar
|
What do you do when you're having a severe episode and no one from your support system is available? Really having trouble with this. My support system is pretty limited and I've been going through a crazy manic depressive episode. No one has been available for one reason or another. Short of calling a hotline of some sort... What do I do when I have no one else to turn to?
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self.bipolar
|
FUCK IT ALL IM DONE welp... i tried to reach out to you all one person responded and that was it.. im going to finish my bottle of booze and then shoot myself i wish you all the best in your life.... IF there is something out there after this life so bid.. and if not.. blessed thy shall be
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self.SuicideWatch
|
LSD, Caffeine, and BP2 I am manicly depressed.
About a year ago I first started drinking caffeine. It made me so much better. When the mania faded and it was just an addiction, I still wasn't having depressive phases.
I then did LSD. That helped even more. LSD would completely flip the episode I was having. At this point I was controlling myself to have basically permanant (hypo) mania. I was doing fine.
I then had to stop drinking caffeine regularly and had to many bad trips, and since bp2 is a predispoal to psychosis that was an issue. About 2 weeks clean and I started getting super depressed. This lasted for 1.5 weeks. Then mania. It all started coming back I forgot how real mania felt. I forgot how bipolar induced depression felt. I am thinking about treatment. I want to try cannabis to see if it will help. I also wanna try cannabis because of an auditory sensory disorder that causes me extreme stress and anxiety. I wish i had the courage to ask my parents to let me see a psychologist.
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self.bipolar
|
It's a rough time right now I've been putting an unloaded pistol to my head for the last few days. In a way I think I find it therapeutic, knowing that I have the option if I ever needed it. I realised that it's not therapeutic at all when I put bullets in the magazine today.
It was a rough year over all but the last few months are where it got worse. My hours got cut back at my job, my grandpa (who has been my best friend as long as I can remember) says he won't live to see next christmas, I kissed my friend and she hasn't talked to me in over a month, and everything in my life just seems hopeless.
I'm exhausted from what I feel is a rat race and I just want to rest. When I sleep, which isn't often, I never feel well rested.
I can't find anything that brings me joy in life either. It really just seems like there is nothing but misery in this world. I don't like this state of mind but I can't seem to find a safe way out.
Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place, I don't know where else to go.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just told my mom about my depression I still have not thrown out the word suicide but it's still a considerable step for me. now I feel better overall.
If anyone else has been terrified to reach out to family members or friends like I have, please try to give it a shot. There's always someone who can help you feel better.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it worth to push through? How do I know I am not destined to suicide? My mind is literally pointing to it automatically without me doing anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Yesterday was awful. (Content warning: Suicidal thoughts) I don’t know what it is about Christmas but every year I always feel like shit. Yesterday was just straight up awful.
My kids tore into their presents like a starving cat eating for the first time in a few days. It was great. They loved everything my wife and I picked out for them. That alone should’ve given me the strength I needed to push through the day.
But as the day progressed, I kept sinking into a deeper depression. Around noon I started to experience suicidal thoughts that persisting pretty much the whole day. I put on my best mask and just powered through it. I cleaned the whole house, finished my Gundam Model and cooked two tasty meals. I had to stay busy. I couldn’t be idle or else it would get worse.
At bed time my oldest son said he didn’t get enough presents and he wanted more. I flew into a rage at the drop of a hat. He made my wife so upset that she started to cry, so what do I do? I ground him and tell him he needs to appreciate what he got, because everyone got something yesterday but me.
I spent the rest of the night in a terrible mood. I relapsed and had roughly four shots of tequila before I snapped out of it and smoked a bowl.
Before my wife went to bed, we had a nice long talk about the day. I told her I had been feeling suicidal all day and just broke down. I cried for the first time in a year.
No one called me yesterday. No no texted me. Not a single fucking person. No one. I had never felt so unwanted in my entire life. My mom gave me this long winded excuse as to why she couldn’t be there on Christmas Eve with her grandkids. She did the same on thanksgiving and for my youngest’s birthday.
I’m so sick of my mom blowing us off. She would rather spend her time with her drug addict boyfriend and his mom than people who moved three thousand fucking miles to be closer to her. She’s such an ungrateful cunt. I cannot stand her at all. She drives me insane.
I’m just rambling and wanted to just... Blab off a strangers ear. My wife and I had a great talk last night and I’m so glad I have her in my life. I have no idea what I would do without her.
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self.bipolar
|
I Feel Like I'm Never Home There's a book by Kafka in which the main character sorta of transforms himself into this gross bug and it end up never being notice by its family. Well, that's really close to how I feel in my house. I feel like I don't matter at all. I am always embarrassed to leave my room cause my sister and her boyfriend hate me. And he's staying here this whole week.
Me and her argue a lot and that's why they can't stand me.
After we argue I feel ashamed and uncomfortable at my own home. My own home. But when I tell how I feel to my mom, she, angrily, answers "if you don't like it here, you can get a job and move out, you're 20 after all."
This week there's a very important test coming and it'll determine if I will be able to go to college or not. And I really needed to use the computer for studying porpuses, but nope, they took it and aren't even using it. God I hate this part of my life.
Fuck, man. What is there to say anymore?
|
self.offmychest
|
2nd time it hit me, doing everything I've learned from the last time... but it isn't enough I'm talking to 2 friends, my mom, a counselor at my university and a doctor, but talking about it isn't helping. I'm doing everything to tackle this as soon as I felt signs and my mom started noticing it. Immediately tried to stop it with all the techniques I've learned from my past therapists, but somehow I don't care. After 1.5 months of depression, I still don't have a therapist I can talk to. Things are getting worse and for the past 2 weeks I occasionally had suicidal thoughts. It's consuming me to the point of no return. Anyone has some advice?
|
self.depression
|
I know I'm going to keep going but I want to be done so fucking bad [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
As a challenge, I'm going to take a sip of Clorox Bleach everytime I see other people get treated well on Valentine's. THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. I have decided to do this to myself because I am just so damn tired of being treated as a complete loner amongst my peers. I attend a junior college btw. Everyday I hope my life will someday get better but its only sloooowly progressing. Since tomorrow is Valentine's day, if I see anyone either kissing, hugging, or giving each other a gift, then I will take one sip each. Nobody will even pay attention to me or ever give me a gift :(
I'm EXTREMELY scared of doing this and I might end up probably dead right there at school if the bleach ends up being too toxic :(
My life is just filled with misery almost everyday.
If I do die, then I just want to tell you all here goodbye...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm not really suicidal.. but I think if I did die, nobody would care or miss me. I wouldn't really consider myself suicidal, or at least not as much as I used to be. I have major depression, and really bad social anxiety. I have friends, but none of them care about me. It's not anything new, I've always been the guy in the corner who's just there because everyone feels bad for him so they decide to be my friend. Mostly likely it's due to my social anxiety, but who knows anymore.
I'm always helping people (mainly friends), but when it comes to me being helped, nobody is there. Everybody is "busy". I am still in love with my ex, but he's already dating someone else, even if we just broke up not too long ago. My family could give less shits about me either. I'm still in high school btw
I guess I'm just tired of it all, but I don't want to die really, or not as much as I used to. I don't have anything to live for, either. They say to change your situation if you don't like it, and I have but nothing changed. I'm still dead inside, and nobody cares about me. I just don't know what to do anymore, like is there really a point of living? I have nobody to live for, and nobody would truly miss me, not my friends family or ex.
I guess what I want to know is, what is there to truly live for? I don't plan on killing myself of anything, but I don't see why anyone would care if I did.
Thank you all.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Hate the ‘pity look’ and ‘smile always’ shit I was recently diagnosed with clinical depression and severe anxiety. My parents accepted it. I thought everything would be a bit better now but THEY ARE ALWAYS TELLING ME TO SMILE! Like no, I can’t. When they feel I’m not listening they fight so much and just as I enter the room, they start smiling at me and if I dont smile ALL THE FUCKING TIME, they start loading me with so many questions. I thought maybe they are concerned but this wasnt working for me so I told them directly that I can’t smile all the day long and I try to be happy but I just cannot so please I’m not comfortable. They still don’t understand. They treat me like a child. They always show me pity. I do not like this at all and even after confronting with them several times, they dont wanna listen to me. Ughh!!!
|
self.depression
|
it sucks coming on here and having no one reply to your post i understand the majority of people on here are probably trying to get some help/relief themselves, and that a reply isn't guaranteed but it kinda gets to me that on top of nobody caring about me in real, nobody online really cares about me either...
i really am alone in this life... oh well....
|
self.depression
|
Just realized that depression makes you self sabotage your own life!! lets try and fight this battle!! [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else obsessively research whatever they think is wrong with them at the time? To further explain, sometimes I get stressed out and then my mind starts jumping around so I automatically think I have to figure out what’s wrong, one time I thought I was a schizophrenic, one time I thought I was an alcoholic, one time I thought I was pregnant, another time I thought I was just plain crazy. All through these times I would obsessively research each thing...like every second I got just to try and “ease” my mind...I think it does the opposite. Does anyone relate to this in any way shape or form? I have GAD and persistent depressive disorder (those are the two most important).
|
self.Anxiety
|
Today was a hard day I don't know. I just feel so down and sad for no reason. I've been doing really well lately, but today was rough.
|
self.bipolar
|
Need to take my power back (long'ish rant) Hi all, I just had an anxiety attack and I'm still raw from it, so please forgive my ranting here.
My story is that my anxiety is caused by work. My boss, in particular. She has a way of making me feel like a piece of trash over making mistakes. I'm a project manager, and at times the hardest thing to do is to communicate. If I leave one loose thread out there, and she even hears a whisper about it, I have an email coming straight away.
This morning I had three and it really toppled the progress that I've been making. I feel like I'm back at square one again. I tried my standard coping techniques until I just decided to let go and feel it.
That's when the anxiety attack hit me (whole body tremors, hard to breathe, uncontrollable sobbing, feeling cold, and a clenched jaw). It felt like I got hit with a wave, then it subsided, then a second wave. My wife, god bless her, let me cry on the couch and helped me through it.
As I laid there on the couch, I kept thinking that I "need to take my power back" and that this one person shouldn't be able to put me into this state. An argument could be made that I put myself in that state and that my reaction to her is up to me. I just don't know how to change that reaction and strike some sort of balance here.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think I sexually assaulted someone when I was young and it eats away at me. When I was 13, I had a girlfriend who I spent a lot of time with. I had known her since we were little and we had always felt a sort of puppy love toward each other. In the summer between seventh and eighth grade, we kissed for the first time. We didn't even know how to kiss and we weren't doing it right at all, just kind of discovering these things for the first time.
We were watching TV and I asked if I could touch her between the legs, she said no. I tried to anyway - not in a sexual way (I wasn't really thinking that way yet), more in the way you'd try to tickle someone who told you not to tickle them. She kept closing her thighs, I kept trying to, one or two more times. She didn't really express any emotion other than a vague annoyance, and I wasn't persistent. We quickly forgot about it.
Still, once I was older, about 16, I remembered the incident and realized it may have done some emotional damage to her. As we were still good friends around that time, I brought it up with her and apologized as sincerely as I possibly could. She appreciated it and shrugged the whole thing off.
That exchange was about four years ago. With all the news about sexual harassment and assault, this incident has come back into my mind. I pride myself on being the type of man who listens to victims and doesn't silence them, isn't complicit in "everyday" rape culture - overall, I do my best to be an ally and to fight sexism and misogyny.
I can't stop thinking about this, about at some point in my life being part of the problem. I'm not sure if I'm blowing it way out of proportion. I hope she's okay.
|
self.offmychest
|
I hate my body Went to the gym today and college and realised how many of my classmates are so much fitter than me. Still feeling down and honestly feel like crying. Pathetic, but I just don’t want to live in a world where I can’t appreciate myself.
|
self.depression
|
lost will to live Hi all,
I am male, 32 years old, PhD.
I met 5 months a woman in which I felt so deeply in love. She left me for another guy.
I have lost my will to life, I was so in love.
I know I sound like a teenager, but this is what was happening.
What s the cure ?
|
self.depression
|
Had a mental breakdown, it sucked. I was in my room having a bad time and out of anger I punched my table and fell on the floor.
My parents came in to yell at me and I started crying, for 40 minutes straight.
It was the worst I felt like I couldn't move or speak properly at some point.
My brother came in and made me feel better yet this happened again today and probably will happen tomorrow.
I need some way to prevent myself from breaking down.
Anyone?
|
self.depression
|
What do you do when you drop hard I just had a bad drop. Can't stop tearing up and wanting to crawl into a corner and hide from the world. What do you do when this happens.
|
self.bipolar
|
Temper and Anxiety I tend to feel very stuck a lot of the time, like
no one understands me except my girlfriend. I feel like everyone would rather blame someone else for my problems and that just makes me feel like complete shit. For the past couple months my temper has really shot up, half of the time I feel like punching a hole in the wall or even hurting someone, like myself. I did it once but it just caused pain for the ones around me. Tiny little things set me off into a rage that is unexplainable, a rage that makes me feel like I need to break something or scream but I can’t, which just creates more rage and anxiety. What do I do?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Opposite experience Tl;dr My husband of almost 10 years is still really attracted to me, but I'm not sure he likes me (my personality) very much. Yeah, kind of a lame problem...
After multiple children and some weight gain, I know I'm really lucky to have a husband who still finds me attractive. Over the past couple years, though, I've started to get the feeling that I'm just not his type, personality-wise. I'm introverted, not naturally verbally affectionate, and a little on the insensitive side (I guess - my husband seems overly sensitive to me).
He has a tendency to bring up how all his past girlfriends were much more affectionate and extroverted and whatnot. If I ask him what he likes about me, he answers primarily with physical attributes. I really don't even understand that, as I'm not pretty or anything, and I kinda always assumed that if someone fell in love with me, it was for *me* and not my appearance. And I was pretty happy with that outlook.
I've seen men and women complain that their spouses don't find them physically attractive anymore (and vise versa), which sucks, I'm sure. I just never expected to have the opposite problem of my husband being attracted to me *only* physically.
|
self.offmychest
|
Is this what depression feels like? I've recently been doing terrible in college. not because I'm not smart enough nor is it due to not having enough time. for some reason I've been struggling with priorities and I've started getting terrible grades because of it.
because of the lack of sleep I feel my heart becoming weaker and I'm having less and less of an appetite. my breath smells terrible from the lack of fluids. I'm lonely...
although my enthusiasm to succeed haven't dimmed, I find it difficult to focus on completing tasks. I'm told that I have adhd but, I really hate to use that as an excuse. I've been avoiding the meds, but starting today, I decided to give them an honest effort.
honestly I just feel sick without actually being sick.
although I'm not truly depressed, and the concept of suicide really offends me on a deep level, but I couldn't help but wonder 'Is this what depression feels like?'
ps. you don't have to provide support. this was mostly reflecting for myself. even if I don't succeed college I'm sure with my relaxed personality and ability to learn quickly, that I could find a good job... eventually. even just writing this has made me feel better. I guess theres something therapeutic about your voice being heard.
|
self.depression
|
Having trouble accepting that medicine helps I finally hit the lottery and found a medication that helps me. Unfortunately, I hate the thought that I NEED medication to be a functioning human. I feel like by taking the meds, I'm admitting that I'm crazy. I find myself feeling ashamed every time I take my medication. Has anyone dealt with this?
|
self.bipolar
|
It's April 11 Two years have passed since the things in my life really started to come apart. Fuck, man. I don't even want to admit to this but, shit, I'm not proud of myself for living through it all. It feels like walking through mud. I can make it to the end of the bog but I feel so horrible the entire time that I forget what my motivation even was to begin with. It's 12:25 now, ten minutes after I started writing this potmst because I put my phone down in the middle of it and almost fell asleep. I'm exhausted. I'm not any happier than I was at midnight on April 11th, 2016. A lot of days I just feel like a horrible person. Like the only real purpose I'll ever serve, the only thing I'll ever amount to is making people upset and making them hate themselves and me. It doesn't feel like two years, because two years is a long time to me and I really expected something to change for the better by the year 2018. If anything's changed at all, it's a change for the worse. It's fucking 12:31 now and my last recent Google search (aside from this subreddit) is "reasons not to kill myself". It's a good life. I think I can keep telling myself that for another two years.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I am so tired. Honestly, why do I even try? It feels like life is just an eternal suffering peppered with insignificant bits of satisfaction. I'm so tired of trying, one can only muster up so much drive and motivation. I will always be flawed in some way to others. I feel broken and abnormal that I can't be like them, but I really did try at least once in my life. It sucks when you have so much love to give to others, but all they see is the hate you feel towards yourself. I am so tired.
|
self.offmychest
|
Have any of you ever told your boss/ supervisor about your depression? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Nobody wants to love me anymore Every relationship I've been in has been ended because of me being depressed and I can't take it anymore. My last girlfriend (ex) said "There will be someone that cares about you enough to help." But there won't be. It's hard to love me and I don't want to keep hurting people because I'm depressed. I just want someone to be there for me and not try to fix me like everyone I've dated tries to do. They try to make me more "normal" and it never works. The last person I dated forced themselves to love me because they were scared I would kill myself. I can't live like that. I was just a liability to her and everyone else. I want someone to love me for who I really am. To other people I'm only that depressed kid who nobody wants to love because it's too much work.
|
self.depression
|
I'm not sure what I'm feeling... For a few days, I've been having trouble thinking, sometimes it feels like it's hard for my words to come out. My head starts to get lots of tension and feels incredibly heavy, and I get pretty nervous. I start to hesitate a lot, and my mind goes blank, but I'm pushing myself to get the words out there. It just seems strange to me though because it happens during normal conversation where I don't feel anxious or anything. I've had anxiety for over a year now, and I've felt great for months now, but I don't know why this feeling/difficulty thinking and talking is happening...
Has anyone ever felt this before? I don't know whether it's brain fog, dissociation, or something else...
|
self.Anxiety
|
How to get help for my wife Hi all. Long story short, we have been married for 16 years and since the past 3-4 years my wife has been going through "highs" that last months and then "lows" that are equally long and seem to be getting longer. When she is at a high period she is waking up at 5am, exercising in the morning, has breakfast ready for our 4 kids every morning, takes them to school and is out all day doing volunteering work and shopping. She quite literally is super mom, and burns herself out. When she is at her low she sleeps in until noon, mopes around the house kind of lost, doesn't want to do any shopping or drive the kids anywhere, and does minimal work around house. She is a wonderful mother and I can tell shes trying to stay positive in front of the kids. But the ups and downs are obvious enough that our friends mention to her "you dont seem like yourself". I feel like my help and support is pretty consistent, but obviously need to help more when she is low. I do most of the work to get the kids ready in the morning and to bed every night. And I handle a lot of the house cleaning and dishes, etc. I think she realizes she needs professional help but I'm not sure do I should just make an appointment or if I should push her to do it? And do we talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist or something else. Thanks for any help.
|
self.bipolar
|
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